#oh sorry that I don’t wanna clean my brothers fucking piss off the toilet seat!!!

[m4ggotm0ld]

the feminine urge to bitch slap every man ever

[straight-into-the-animus]

(Not) Getting Married Today (French Fryes)

This was a fic request for my amazing pal @etzee-ohs that was a long time coming, but finals kept getting in the way. Sorry about the wait and I really hope you enjoy it!!

Read on Ao3

Jacob could hear Evie’s heels clacking on the tile as she came into the bathroom, and quickly slid the lock shut on the stall door.

“This is the men’s room!” He tried to protest, but it came off as more a whine.

“Why’d you run off?”

“I had to piss.” Jacob scooted back on the toilet, almost willing his body to become more compact to avoid being seen.

“Are you a racehorse? You did it twice before we left the house as well.” Evie must have found where he was, since he could see through the gap in the bottom that her short heels and bottom of her pantsuit stopped in front of his stall door.

“Maybe I had a lot of water.”

“Are you even dressed? The ceremony is in an hour.”

Yes, Jacob was somewhat dressed. And no, Jacob didn’t need to be reminded of the time crunch. Arno’s family had gone full out with renting a hall for the ceremony and reception, a lovely villa in the countryside that was way too clean for the rustic look it was going for.

They said they want to take care of it all, Arno had smiled, obviously happy his family had such a blessing and wanted to help, and Jacob tried to get away with a joke that he still wanted a say in the catering and cake -- which he did get the choice of, and thoroughly enjoyed so much that he had hard times with every cake. It wasn’t going to be a big wedding, just the people closest to them. For the past thirty minutes even Jacob where he was had been able to hear the sound of tires crunching on gravel as expectant guests rolled up, and all made excited and general conversation. Jacob was a simple man and would’ve been happy to have a courthouse ceremony in their pajamas, so to get married in a hall was more than he ever dreamed of getting. But in the year and a half it took, neither of them backed out. Jacob didn’t say anything, never questioned Arno and why he wanted this, and he was regretting it.

It wasn’t to say he didn’t want to spend forever attached to Arno, because he did. He knew that even if they ended up splitting, which killed Jacob to think of, he’d never marry again because Arno would’ve been it. But he didn’t want Arno to spend forever attached to him.

“It’s not too late to run, right? I mean. We’re not gonna get the deposit back. I can send something to compensate Arno’s stepdad. You think they’ll accept American money?”

“I’ll drag you back if you think of leaving.”

“Can you just stop, Evie? You’re not helping.” Jacob got off the toilet and opened the door, taking in the concern of his sister’s face. “Why the fuck would Arno wanna marry me?”

“Because he obviously loves you. Can’t you see that? He asked you, right?”

“He asked ‘cause he doesn’t know anything.”

“You’re calling him stupid now?”

“No! Or- yes. Stupidly romantic. It sounds like a good idea but it’s just gonna be a pain in the ass for him eventually.”

Evie fixed him with a look that just seemed to scream that he was an idiot, and he hated it with all his heart because he knew he wasn’t. She spoke, slow and measured, and even if Jacob didn’t want to listen he did.

“You’re not a pain in the ass.” At Jacob’s snort, she rolled her eyes. “Not most of the time. Right now you’re pushing it a bit. But I think Arno really did know what he was doing when he proposed. Have you ever known Arno to back down on anything?”

And Jacob hadn’t -- it was why he was the best at pulling Arno away from fights or at the very least supervising to make sure it didn’t go too far. And why their rare arguments lasted for days sometimes. But he refused to answer and went to wash his hands all the same to avoid her.

“Okay, just- Just don’t cancel anything. Please. We can figure things out.” Evie put a hand on his shoulder and led him out the restroom to go to his actual room, getting no fight in the action. He felt like a livewire and she had to sense it by the way he was silent for once. “I need to step out for a minute to talk to someone and you’re going to relax. Okay?”

Jacob glared but did as asked, looking all the picture of a petulant and scared child as he sat down on the cream sofa.

--------------

Evie stepped out of the room, closing the door, before walking to the end of the hallway and dialing the first number in her contacts. Élise picked up within a few seconds.

“How is he?”

“I finally got him to settle down. He’s curled up on one of the couches. How about your brother?”

“This close to hyperventilating into a paper bag.” Élise sighed, and Evie heard her moving quickly to likely go somewhere more private. “He’s deadset on thinking Jacob doesn’t want this.”

“Obviously we can tell they’re made for each other if they’re going to be like this,” Evie mumbled, pacing a step back and forth at a time before something hit her. “I might have an idea.”

“I do love those.”

Evie grinned.

---------------

Evie waited a few minutes, unwilling to go back to verbal abuse, and came back into where Jacob was likely wanting to drown his sorrows, glancing up at her. At least he had moved on from the whining and shivering aspect and now just seemed to sulk in his seat.

“It’s fucking raining now.” Jacob bemoaned loudly, looking out at the dark sky that had just recently been light and sunny.

“I’m sure they’re moving anything they need to inside. And they say it’s good luck, you know.”

“They made that shit up to comfort the piss poor bride who lost her expensive summer wedding.” Jacob sniffed, and Evie tried not to notice the red puff under his eyes from rubbing them until it became too much.

“Do you want me to put some makeup on that? Get you all dapper?”

“There’s no point,” Jacob said, “there’s not going to be a wedding.”

“I promise you there will be. Everyone’s showed up, besides.”

Jacob sat back, obviously displeased with what she said. But at this point, she couldn’t mince words. It was all or nothing. Both of them were silent for a while before Evie’s phone buzzed, and she checked the notification.

“Here. A video to cheer you up, maybe.”

“Is it a virtual cat poster thing?”

Evie rolled her eyes and pulled up the video Élise had sent her, handing the phone over to Jacob. Jacob pressed the small triangle for play almost absently. The video had some motion in it of the phone being set up, and lean subtly against something small while two people were right in the middle of a conversation. He recognized the visible figure standing in front of one of the small mirrors, undoing and redoing his hair in an anxious manner.

Despite what Jacob thought, his heart did that standard skip it always did upon seeing him. He hadn’t gotten to see him since they arrived and separated, but Arno was half-dressed in his blue shirt and crisp dress pants, bowtie undone haphazardly.

“-don’t get why do you think Jacob is going to regret this? He said yes, didn’t he?”

Faintly he realized it was Élise speaking to Arno, and Arno sounded… panicked.

“He said yes because he didn’t know what he was getting into! I didn’t want that.”

Jacob’s heart sunk, but Arno continued, giving up on his hair with a frustrated groan.

“I’m grateful we did- Were going to do it here. And it’s beautiful. But… I’m not exactly marriage material, Élise. Don’t give me that look, it’s true. I’m an idiot most of the time. What happens when the honeymoon phase is over? And he realizes after a year or two that he doesn’t want to deal with me? It’s his right, but… I’d be heartbroken. And if I hurt him? I love him too much to put him through this.” Arno mumbled something else, sitting in one of the chairs with a dramatic huff and burying his face in his hands. There was one final line Jacob caught. “I’m nothing without him and he’s everything without me.”

Jacob was vaguely aware of Evie shouting about how he could’ve broken her phone, but he didn’t even realize he had dropped it as he hurried off. There could have been more but he didn’t need or care to hear it. He ran off through the hallway, almost knocking over poor waiters and workers alike as he looked for his fucking perfect fiance, who was somewhere thinking that Jacob couldn’t want him more than anything in any sense of the word.

Élise was waiting outside a door, and she barely looked up as Jacob stormed into the room she was near. Arno saw him in the mirror, jumped, and spun around, a tremulous smile playing on his face before it fell.

“What’s wrong, Ja-”

“I love you too, Arno. I said yes because I love you. Yeah, even with your fucking wardrobe and ego and attitude and smarts and good fucking heart.” He blurted out, not letting Arno get in a word edgewise before continuing. “Don’t you ever think you’re anything less than it for me, please.”

“Jacob, darling, mon amour , just breathe.” He held Jacob loosely but tried to get the man to look him straight in the eyes as he spoke. “Where- where is this coming from?”

“I saw the video. Evie had it. Where you said that shit all about you.”

“I- Élise filmed that?” He sent a half-hearted glare as if his sister could see him through the wall, but Jacob held his face and turned him back to look at him.

“I get it if you don’t wanna get married to me. But don’t be a dick to yourself in the process.”

“Of course I want to get married to you. I proposed. And I meant it.” Arno said, serious before turning shy. “I suppose… I just got worried. That I was being selfish by asking somehow.”

Jacob looked down, shyly grabbing Arno’s hand and playing with it. It was a distraction so he didn’t have to watch Arno’s no-doubt judgy gaze. “I was worried. I thought you were making a mistake with all this. With me.”

“I could never. If anything I was worried you’d be making a mistake with me. Compared to you, I’m-”

“You’re not nothing.” Jacob’s head snapped up. “Don’t say that again. ‘Sides,” Jacob ended up giving a half-smile, “I need someone around to keep me in line. That’s worth something, isn’t it?”

Arno smiled and ended up giving a somewhat surprised huff of laughter. He glanced down again. “Looks like we’re both a few idiots.”

“It’s us. I wasn’t expecting things to go perfectly.” Jacob’s smile grew at Arno’s second bit of laughter and it turned a bit sheepish. “So… After all that… Do we want to get married still?”

“If it means I get to have you for good, then of course. If you’re sure you want it as much as I do.” Arno looked up and gave a small smile, but it was brilliant and blinding. “But you’ll need to leave so I can finish getting ready.”

“I dunno. I quite like the idea of undoing your work so far.”

Arno chuckled and gently stopped Jacob’s hands from teasingly going too far up his chest.

“We’ll have the honeymoon for that. I promise.”

“Making me wait so long. Glad I know it’s gonna be worth it.” Jacob grumbled good-naturedly, and leaned in for a tender, chaste kiss. He was only barely pulled away when he spoke again, unable to help it. “I love you.”

“And I love you too.” Arno smiled. “Now. If we want to ‘do the damn thing’, as everyone says, we both have to finish getting ready.”

“Already nagging and we haven’t even exchanged rings.” Jacob grinned and gave him one final kiss before walking out of the room. Élise looked up as he left, and she grinned.

“Glad to see you’re finally acting like adults.”

“I’m definitely doing something at you and my sister’s wedding in return.” Jacob sent her a look, but he was smiling all the same before he hurried back to his room.

The wedding ended up starting just ten minutes behind schedule in one of the halls, hastily set up to work against the rain. But neither of them wanted to rush it.

---------------

Evie wanted to hit them for how much they ended up making everyone cry. There wasn’t a dry eye at the vows, or the kiss, or the reception, and Jacob and Arno held onto each other in a first dance that didn’t consist of anything more than just swaying in place. Evie and Élise sat back at the head table, red hair brushing Evie’s shoulders as Élise leaned on her.

“You think our wedding will be as hectic as theirs?” Evie asked, and Élise rested her chin on Evie’s shoulder as she looked up at her.

“Knowing us? Absolutely.”

Title and work inspired by Getting Married Today from the musical Company!

I hope you enjoy! If you do I have a Masterpost here and more ideas for writings and prompts here, so feel free to request! Thank you so much for reading and have a wonderful day!

[collecting-stories]

Small Heath - c. 02 - Finn Shelby

Summary: The reader meets Finn on his turf. @poisonxxvy 

Solomons Masterlist | Peaky Blinders Masterlist

✰ ✰ ✰ ✰

You recognized the tall young man almost instantly, ginger hair shaved close to his head but in need of a trim, peeking out from the cap on his head. He was at the bar, talking to another man and his back was turned to you. It gave you the perfect opportunity to sneak up behind him; the commotion of the pub making sure that he didn't hear you. When you were close enough you snatched the hat off his head and jumped away, just as he whirled around. His friend seemingly so alert that there was a gun pointed at you in the next second. Unperturbed by either of them you laughed as you placed the peaked cap onto your head, flattening the short bob hair-do that was so on trend at the moment.  

"What in Christ's name are you doing in Birmingham?" Finn asked. He gave a reach for his cap but you stepped back further. His friend, realizing no threat existed, lowered his gun.  

"Here for business."  

"Yeah, which corner they got you on?" He asked, his friend laughing beside him. 

"Why you wanna come visit?" You teased, watching as Finn's face as it turned bright red.  

"What were the directions from Alfie then? Come down to the Garrison and fucking bother me?"  

"Yeah, he says, alright love, go on over to the Garrison. That Shelby tosser is getting pissed off his ass and trying to act like he's such a big man in front of his friend." You countered.  

“Don’t laugh." Finn grumbled when his friend let out a rather enthusiastic chuckle.  

"Sorry mate, who's this then? Your girlfriend?" The friend asked, eyeing you up. 

You sent him a smile in return, looking sweeter than you were, and Finn shook his head, looking more like a tomato then ever. "Not my girlfriend. She's Solomons' kid."  

"Well, Solomons' kid, it's a pleasure to meet you. Name's Isaiah Jesus. You ever been to Small Heath before?" He asked, reaching out his hand to shake yours.  

"Can't say I have." You replied, taking a look around the pub. 

"I'd be happy to show you around." 

"Except you can't because she's leaving." Finn butt in, grabbing your upper arm and hauling you away from where Isaiah was sitting.  

"It was nice to meet you!" You called over your shoulder and he sent you a wink back in return. Finn, still holding onto you, lead you through the Garrison and out onto the street.  

"Where're you meant to be right now?" Finn asked.  

"Waiting in the car at the betting shop."  

"Perfect." Finn gave a light squeeze to your arm, "let's go." He didn't release your upper arm as he lead you away from the Garrison and toward Watery Lane but his grip wasn't tight or menacing, in fact you could have easily pulled away if you wanted to. "Listen, don't flirt with Isaiah. He's not a very...he doesn't much care for the one girl kind of thing." Finn commented.  

"I was just being nice." You replied, "didn't go there to see him anyway."  

"Yeah you went there to harass me."  

"What fun is being stuck in a car in Small Heath when I can be manhandled by you in the street?" You joked, jostling your arm a bit. "I should scream really." 

"Good luck with that, I'm a Shelby." Finn replied matter-of-factly. 

"That's a bit barbaric don't you think?" You asked.  

Finn let go of your arm finally, stopping in the middle of the semi-deserted mud road to shove his hands in his pockets. "I'm just being honest. You wanna make a scene, best not do it with someone who's brother owns half this city."  

"Only half?" You joked. 

"How'd you get away without your dad going mental?" He asked.  

"I expect he knows by now. Goliath had to pee so I snuck out while he was taking care of business. I'm surprised no one's out looking for me."  

"You spoke too soon." Finn grabbed your wrist and pulled you down an alleyway lined with public toilets. He tipped his head to two men who were busy cleaning out one of the toilets as he passed.  

"This is lovely." You muttered but followed suit and tipped the cap you were still wearing at them.  

The alleyway let out to a small courtyard connecting the backs of houses. Finn pulled you along through someone's clothesline to hide behind a half wall. Both of you crouched down as you heard voices, smiling at each other as you tried to stay quiet. He peeked up over the wall, trying to see if anyone had followed or if it was just the sound of the two workers chatting with each other.  

"Well?" You asked, standing up beside him and glancing over the wall, "do we have followers?"  

"Seems we lost 'em." 

"This a really splendid date you've taken me on Finn, just really splendid." 

"Walking you back to your car isn't a date." He replied, reaching for his again but missing as you stepped away.  

"If you wanted to walk me back to the car why'd you hide from whoever's looking for us." 

"Cause I'm afraid whoever's looking for us is in your dad's pocket not my brother's. They'll be less than forgiving with a Shelby."  

"So you've pulled me into this alley that smells of...soil and death?" You covered your mouth with your handkerchief as proof of the foul smell, gagging for dramatic effect.  

"You're fine. Come on."  

"I was being honest about coming to find you earlier Finn." You commented, following him back passed the workers. "It wasn't just by chance, I heard your cousin mention you were down at the Garrison and I was just fucking lucky that it wasn’t so far away from the house." 

"Why's that?" Finn asked, looking back at you.  

"Well cause I got all dressed up." 

"What for?"  

"I'm really not sure Finn." You replied, rolling your eyes at the clueless young man walking in front of you.  

As you turned back onto Watery Lane, closer now to the betting shop you could make out two men standing at the stoop of a house. One you recognised to be your father, leaning on his cane as he spoke to another man. You heard footsteps behind you and glanced back to see Goliath and Ezra, both looking displeased. Goliath grabbed your arm the same way Finn had earlier though the grip was much tighter. Finn stopped walking when you tugged at his hand and he turned to see both of them.  

"I was already walking her back." He said, raising his hands in surrender.  

"I shoulda fucking known!" Alfie called, stalking over to the four of you. The other man followed beside him, looking equally as annoyed as your father. "Bring you along to learn something and what do you do? Go traipsing about with the little Shelby. Now get that fucking cap off your head and get in the car." He shouted, waving his cane at you. 

You pulled the cap off, ruffling your hair in the process, and handed it back to Finn. "I'll see you around." 

"Like hell you will." Alfie huffed.  

"Finn, go inside." The other man said and you realized that must be one of his brothers. An older version of what your young ginger could turn out to be.  

You pulled away from Goliath and climbed in the car, slumping down in your seat. Alfie, Goliath, and Ezra piled into the car after you. As the engine started you glanced to the house, where Finn stood at the open door, watching you. Your father sent the young man a hard look and then pulled the car off the side of the road, beginning to drive back to London in the dead of night.  

"Woulda stayed over if it wasn't for you taking off with that boy." Alfie commented. 

"I was bored, I didn't know he was a Shelby." 

"Oh! She didn't know he was a Shelby, well if you didn't know he was a Shelby...what do you think? Hm? That your dad is a fucking idiot? I wasn't born yesterday. Shoulda known when you got yourself all dolled up and insisted on coming along."  

"I'm sorry." You replied, "won't happen again." 

"You're fucking right it won't. You'll be sitting locked in your room for the next week and a half." 

"No! Dad!" 

"End of discussion." 

"Dad, that's not fair!" 

"What did I just say to you?" He asked, "end of the fucking discussion. Now sit there and don't fucking speak to me." 

-

In which Alfie overreacts and Finn is oblivious. 

tagged: @thinkingsofamadwoman @breathlesssouls @listensweettea @danceyreagan @5secondsofjoal 

[theamazinguchihabruhs]

Getting A job Part 3

Read part 1 and 2: https://theamazinguchihabruhs.tumblr.com/post/164227575161/getting-a-job-part-2

Part 3

“Two milkshakes-” I slipped over a wet spot on the floor, causing me to fall forwards right on the lap of the first customer while my tray fell on the person sitting next to him. “What the-?” I looked behind me at the water on the floor.

“If you mop the floor, put a sign out! Everybody can sue us!” I hissed getting up, rubbing my head. Everything was swirling for a moment. I looked at the man and I gasped seeing the milkshake spilled on his lap.

“I am so, so sorry! Let me get that for you!” I grabbed a bunch of napkins I leaned over the first man to reach the second lap to clean the mess I made. “Please don’t tell my boss, this third time this week, he is going to scold me for sure this time” I said. I wanted to grab more napkins, but the man suddenly stopped me, crossing his legs and putting his briefcase on his lap.

‘It is fine, really” He said.

“Are you sure?” I leaned slightly in, “Your face is as red as a tomato, are you alright?”

“Y-Yes!” He said, sweating nervously.

“Well, I guess you are in luck, I love tomatoes” I said, “I will get your milkshakes right away”  

I walked back to the kitchen to get him a new milkshake. I saw Foxy lean against the counter, looking slightly annoyed.

“It is so busy” He said, “It has been ever since you started working here”

“Hnn, coincidence?” I said. He walked towards me, adjusting my cat ear that had apparently shifted when I fell.

“They are probably all very eager to see you” Foxy said.

“Me?” I laughed from the idea. I was such a lousy waiter.

“You should take your lunch break, let Bunny handle your tables” He said, putting my tray on the counter and shoving it to Bunny.

“Shoot” I said.

“Why did you take this job?” He asked.

“Cuz money” I said. I meant it more as a joke, remembering how I threw the cash over Izuna only to be able to shout  “Makkeee it raaaiiinnnn~!!!”

“You are providing for your family too?”

I blinked a couple of times, looking at Foxy cluelessly.

“What?” I asked.

“Yeah, my father died when I was ten, my mother is sick, she is in a wheelchair, I dropped out of school to work and provide for my younger sisters”

Wow...now I felt like jerk.

“What about you, Kitty?”

“I...I am an orphan…” I whispered.

“Oh, you poor thing” He suddenly wrapped his arms around me, “You are all on your own, you don’t deserve this...” He whispered. Now I felt like a bigger asshole than before!

“Uhm...it’s really not that bad...I have five brothers-”

“You are providing for your five younger brothers? You are such an angel-” He kept talking, but the sudden guilt just became bigger and bigger. Why did people with sad back stories ruin my mood. Now I am the jackass!

“Not at all-” I was going to come clean, but I suddenly heard a familiar voice from all the people in here. From customers to employees. I always recognised that one voice.

“What is this, dattebayo?”

I turned my head to the door, seeing Naruto enter the cafe with three other guys. I suddenly ducked under the counter, causing Foxy to give me a weird look.

“T-That blond! He cannot see me!” I hissed.

“Who is he? He is hot” Foxy said.

“He is…he is my…ex…” I was not gonna say the love of my life that doesn’t know I am his yet.

“Awkward...I will distract them and you go crawl from under the tables to the restroom and then go escape from the window” He whispered before walking to distract Naruto. I did as Foxy said. I crawled from behind the counter under the first table, but before I made it to the second. I saw the chairs move. I remained under the table, my legs and arms were wrapped around the centered leg to occupy minimum space. I heard some voices and right in front of me I saw a pair of orange and black sneakers. I just knew they belonged to Naruto. It was just my bad luck they took the table that was the same one I was hiding under.

“So why did we come here, Menma?” Naruto asked.

“Because it is basically a daylight stripclub! But instead of a lap dance, you get giggles and fries” An unfamiliar voice answered.

“Giggles and fries?” I could recognise Nagato’s voice...Oh fuck, I am busted for sure. I shook my head and tried to encourage myself. Come on, I had 7 years of military training. I should be able to sneak out here without anybody noticing!

“Yea! Feast your eyes on these hotties” This Menma guy said, “Hey Bunny, is the one with the cat ears around? The one in that crop top and mini skirt?”

I suddenly felt disgusting.

“Kitty? Kitty was around here a minute ago, y’know how kitties get with strangers, they get scared and hide, hahahaha” She laughed.

“That pussy” I heard this Menma comment. I wanted to scratch him, but that would blow my cover.

“We should have gone to the diner near the hospital-”

“Because Sasuke works there?” Nagato teased him.

“Fuck yeah, dattebayo”

“What is it with you and this Sasuke guy, anyway? Kitty is totally your type! Raven, slim, nice ass, juicy thighs, not to mention, little paws to scratch you-”

“...that weirdly sounds like Sasuke” Nagato commented.

“Ew!” Both Menma and Naruto suddenly said.

“Nagato you are married, you are forty years old, keep it in your pants!” Naruto exclaimed, “I will tell Itachi and then we both are on his black list”

“Black list?” I whispered. I should ask niisan about that.

“Aaah, where is Kitty? I was hoping he would drop something and then when he picks it up we get a great ass view”

…suddenly the phrase ignorance is bliss made so much more sense to me.

“You keep it in your pants too” Naruto commented.

“Nah! Daylight strip club” Menma argued.

“Have you made up your minds?” I could hear Foxy’s voice. I had to catch his attention so he could distract them so I could make my escape. I grabbed my collar with the fake bell on it and took it off before throwing it under the table. I saw Foxy’s hand pick it up.

“Hey, that belongs to Kitty right?” I heard this Menma guys ask.

“Ooh, Kitty must be in the kitchen, you know what…? You guys should greet him, he would love that, why don’t you follow me!” Foxy said. Yes, he was a genius!

“I don’t know Kitty, I will just sit here-”

“Nonsense, Kitty...loves meeting people!” Foxy said, “You should go say hello to him!” I am so glad Foxy was persuasive enough. They left the table and I took my chance to crawl away from under it and run to the restroom. I immediately hid in the last stall.

I had to get out of here and fast! I stood on the toilet seat and opened the small window in the corner. I pulled myself up trying to crawl out of it…and I thought I was so smooth and that this was going to work...if it didn’t reach my ass. Yup...my ass didn’t fit. I cursed as I was halfway out. I felt like God was punishing me…and after what I heard about myself doing this job…it made sense why God hated me. I tried pulling myself out, maybe I should get some lube or something! Isn’t there a lube dispenser in this restroom. You would think people come here to jack off before eating their food.

My eyes widened, hearing the door of the restroom open. Okay, I was busted, but there was still this small hope it was either Foxy or my boss or anyone that was not Naruto or Nagato…but I was just not a lucky person.

“Sasuke?” I heard the familiar voice say.  I know panick makes people do stupid stuff, but I never really understood why I did what I did.

“Who is Sasuke?” I said in a high pitched voice, “I don’t know who this sexy Sasuke is...I am Kitty”

“Yeah, Sasuke is pretty cute”

“I am not cute, I am sexy, usuratonkachi!” I hissed and then I immediately realized I was set up.

“Yeah, I can recognise that butt out of a million, dattebayo” I could hear him sigh deeply, “What are you doing?”

“I am...catching some air” I said, but the silence made it clear that he did not buy it “I am smoking” I corrected myself, but still didn’t get a reaction “Uhm...weed...I am smoking weed”

“You are stuck, aren’t you?”

‘You think there is an ass diet?” I sighed, “I am stuck”

“Were you…trying to hide from me?” He asked. I heard Naruto stand on the toilet seat. He wrapped his arms around  my hips and he pulled me free with one jerk.

“Kinda...” I answered, turning my head around to look at him. He shook his head, putting me on the ground before jumping off the toilet seat.

“Izuna said you worked at the diner” Naruto looked utterly confused. Like he was trying to figure out why I was doing what I was doing. His eyes were fixated on my eyes, it felt pretty forced. Like he kept telling himself not to look down.

“I did…for two weeks…and then I got offered this job and it was so easy and it was so much money…I took it” I said, “Your eyes are making me uncomfortable, just look where ever you wanna look” His eyes immediately lowered themselves.

“Easy money, huh? Are things that tight?”

“No...oh, I am going to sound like a jerk” I sighed “Shisui and Itachi said I had to do something this summer, either an internship at the hospital or law firm and I said...I rather choose a job, so, I took the diner job and I regretted it because it was boring, but it was too late to go back to their offer because it meant they won, so…I got offered this job and everybody kept calling me a natural and saying I was really good and I got tons of compliments and tips and I guess...I did kinda like the attention so…here I am…a month later”

Naruto gave me this confused look before shaking his head.

“I am trying to reason with your explanation, but I can’t”

“Success and money?” I shortened it to the basics.

“No, I don’t get how somebody like you can sink this low to do this just for some attention, are you that mentally fucked? Do you have that many issues?!” He sounded pissed and if this was anybody else...I would have probably told them to fuck off because this was my life...but with Naruto…it almost felt I was getting scolded by my father. I lowered my eyes to the ground. I felt like a ten year old again…

“Is it wrong of me to be disappointed in you? You are smart, talented, funny and…” I felt his hand on my cheek, causing me to look up “Already so beautiful, without those cat ears and super short skirt, why would you ever need a bunch of perverts to remind you of that?”

“Don’t be disappointed…” I whispered.

“Does Itachi know? Shisui? Madara? Obito? Damn, does Izuna even know?”

“No one, but I never lied!” I looked away, “They just never asked-”

“Don’t put this on them, hiding the truth is still lying”  He frowned.

“No…” I pouted, “Not really”

“Sasuke” Naruto shook his head.

‘Are you going to tell them?” I asked, “My brothers...I mean…”

“I think this is the quarter-life crisis my dad was talking about last night during dinner...” Naruto let go of my cheek.  “Do me a favor...quit and let’s put this all behind us and...deal with this together, dattebayo” He took his jacket off and wrapped it around my shoulders. His hands squeezed my upper arm in a supportive way. I narrowed my eyes when I looked at him.

“Your father and mom are on vacation, I know this because therapy is cancelled for two weeks, so, Uzumaki, explain to me how your father told you about a quarter life crisis last night during dinner, which is also...oddly specific for somebody with the memory of a goldfish”

Naruto’s eyes widened.

“On the phone! When I was having dinner...dattebayo!” I smell bullshit.

“Why would you lie to me about such a small thing...unless…you were not even home last night because...you were doing something you are either ashamed of or don’t want me to know” I slapped his hand off me. “Tell me”

“Oh, I was just...not home-”

“You just said avoiding the truth is the same as lying, you hypocrite!” I pointed an accusing finger at him, “What could be so bad?”  

The door of the restroom opened and I got pushed back inside the toilet stall before Naruto locked the door behind him. His hand was wrapped around my mouth while his other hand was wrapped around my waist. He shushed in my ear and I frowned.

“Oi cousin, you in here?” I could hear the voice that sounded familiar. I guess it was the Menma guy from before.  

“Just taking a dump, Menma!” I heard Naruto say. Alright, I know Naruto has this protective nature. He could chit-chat with somebody for 5 minutes and still push them off the street when a car comes. But this…this was just weird. I didn’t have to be genius to know this cousin was a pervert, but was it really that bad to hide me? Was he that ashamed of me? Why would he even care? That guy talked very highly about Kitty ten minutes ago!

“Oooohhh~ Taking a dump eh? And when did you grow the extra pair of legs, eh? Little cousin?”

“...about ten minutes ago, dattebayo” Naruto answered.

“Ten minutes, hey slut who is in there getting some from my cousin, is he that bad, couldn’t blondie finish you off in about five, pfff~” He laughed for some apparent reason.

I looked in the corner of my eye and saw Naruto give me a rather annoyed look. I gave him a small nod. Yup, I got his back. He removed his hand.

“It is not me who isn’t finished, damn Naruto, you got some stamina there, I’ve climaxed for the third time-”

“Climaxed...really?” He whispered.

“What? Not good?” I whispered back, “I thought it sounded a better than cumming”

“...it sound weird, dattebayo, anyway, can you mention me having a big dick or something? “

“Mentioning?! Are you telling me-” He wrapped his hand around my mouth and gave me this sweet, pathetic, smile. I rolled my eyes.

“Oh~Naruto~ Your penis is...prodigious!” I said rather loud. He rolled his eyes. Apparently my dirty talk needed some work.

“Uh...sure thing...Naruto hurry up fucking around, I am not going to wait an hour for you to finish fucking some tramp like in the stripclub yesterday”

“MENMA!” Naruto shouted angrily.

“Be safe…hey, there is a condom dispenser in this restroom, classy shit, Nagato and I are gonna order already, dickhead” I could hear the door shut and I looked right into Naruto’s eyes.

“Funny...you are lecturing me for working as a waiter in a skirt that is a little short, but meanwhile you go ahead and fuck some tramp in a bathroom stall...of a stripclub” I shook my head, but couldn't help but to smile a pathetic smile. For a moment, I thought I really meant something to him. I was stupid.

“No, Sasuke, just hear me out”

I took his jacket off and threw it back at him before trying to get out of the restroom stall, but he blocked the way.

“It is not what it looks like-”

“Really? Because I see some hypocrite douchebag blocking my way!” I hissed grabbing him by his collar, “And if he doesn’t get away from the door, I will fucking kick him through it!”

“Just listen! Dattebayo!” He snapped at me, grabbing my wrist and pinned me against the door. My eyes widened. I did not expect this outcome…and I am awkwardly turned on.

“Somebody has been going to the gym” I looked away.

“Yeah~ I have been really trying to work on my bicep game, awh~ thanks for noticing-” He suddenly shook his head. Apparently he didn’t want to go off topic. I was expecting some dramatic speech...but I got none. If I had a watch I would have checked the time to indicate how long he was taking, but not only did I not have a watch. Both my wrists were pinned against the door.

“Is there anything coming? Or are you wasting both our time?” I asked.

“Alright!I was never good with words to begin with, was I at the stripclub?...yes! But does that affect the amount I care about you? No, of course not!”

“Naruto, I have seen Zootopia I know exactly what you are doing” I rolled my eyes. “Now before I kick you in the nuts, have you actually got something useful to say or is this it?”

“Fine! You want the truth, Uchiha?! Have it! Have it all! I hate, no, I despise, no, loath the idea of you working here because I am jealous! I am fucking jealous, if jealousy had jealousy that would be me, right now!” He shouted. “Just the idea of these son of bitches looking at you, seeing the shit which is only supposed to be mine to see - and only mine!- It grinds my gears! After hearing what my fucking cousin said about you...it makes me actually want to break his jaw! But I can’t! Because you are here, willingly, exposing yourself for some fucking tips! I have been waiting three years on your damn ass while apparently I could have just come here and see you bend over the tables - in a different sense!- I am going off topic…” He took a deep breath, “My point is…I am selfish and jealous...apparently for no fucking reason either” He fixated his look on the ground before letting me go. He sat down on the toilet and ran his hand through his hair.

‘Fuck me…” He whispered. A silence emerged in the bathroom, but then there was a huge farting noise and we both turned our heads to the stall next to ours.

“S-Sorry, I ate some bad meat...continue, please” The person said before making some uncomfortable noises when he proceeded to empty his bowels. Naruto and I shared a look, a small smile appearing on our faces. Both holding back our laughter as we covered our nose.

“Say I gave you twenty bucks...will you quit?” Naruto asked. He had a look on his face that reminded me of a kicked puppy. I guess he felt guilty for his own outburst.

“Naruto, I make twenty dollars just by asking people if they want order already”

“I have a gift-card for the ice-cream? Bet you don’t get that a lot”

“True, but I don’t like sweets”

“Well, too bad, that all I have” He sighed.

“Naruto…” I put my hands on his cheeks, lifting his head so he would look at me, “It’s alright, I'll quit” I said. His ocean blue eyes started to sparkle and I guess he was very relieved.

“But not because you told me to” I looked away. I haven’t forgotten what his cousin said.

“You quit because you have self-respect? Dattebayo?”

“Nah, I got none of that, I quit because the chances of my brothers finding out what I actually do for work is getting too high, dude, Nagato is here, he would have told Itachi-nii for sure! I would literally get killed by my brothers if they knew” I said.

“You are awesome, you know?” He wrapped his arms around my waist and hugged me tightly. I allowed my hand to go through his hair a few times.  

“Aawww~ Kiss, kiss, kiss -ugh...diarrhea is the worse!” The person suddenly moaned in pain before we could hear another load drop in the toilet.

“Uhm...try activated carbon” I said, letting go of Naruto.

“Where...do I get that?” And there went another load.

“Try the pharmacy” Naruto got up.

“T-Thank you...you two are a cute couple”

“He can’t even see us?” I whispered. Naruto pointed at hole through the wall that went completely unnoticed by me. Damn, was I traumatized by them?

“Ugh” I took a step away from it. Naruto chuckled, wrapping his arm around me.

“Keep hydrated, stranger with diarrhea” He said.

Oxoxoxooxx

I kicked my shoes out when I got home before walking inside the living room.

“Hey y’all, I quit my job, wasn’t worth it, got boring, so about that internship?”

“YES?!” Both Itachi and Shisui suddenly stood in front of me.

“Told you he would quit!” Itachi said.

“Fuck yea, good thing you aren’t determined at all!” Shisui added.

Well…that was mean...I should have known they would react like that. Now I could say I take the internship at the hospital, I would hurt Shisui that way. But I could take the internship at the lawfirm and hurt Itachi that way...if there was only a way to hurt them both.

“So who are you going to choose?” Itachi asked.

“Y’know what, why don’t you two fight to the death and I will go with whoever wins “ I said, walking pass them to the kitchen to get something to drink. In my surprise Madara was already sitting at the bar table drinking some whisky.

“Why are they arguing?” Madara asked.

“Hmm...internship” I said, sitting next to him. He poured me a glass.

“You quit?”

“Yes”

“Odd” He said, looking at me from the corner of his eye.

“How so?” I asked.

“Because last time I went past the diner to get some coffee and to obviously annoy you, they said you quit...about a month ago” He laughed before shaking his head, “It is just so funny because...around that time this maid cafe got very popular because of a new waiter that apparently quit today, according to my sources”

“Ha...what a coincidence” I chucked down the whiskey before grabbing the bottle and pouring myself some more. “They are still going at it...” I tried to change the topic.

“Oh, you know what? They said you couldn’t get an internship at my firm, but what if I offer you a temporary job? As my assistant?”

“...really? How much does it pay?” I heard something break in the background and I swear...I did not want to turn my head to see if I was right.

“I don’t think you are in a position to bargain” Madara said, shaking his head.

“I take it” I said, raising my glass. “Cheers”

“Cheers” Madara said.

“Should we tell them I already took your offer?” I asked.

“Lesson 1 in business school, when you see your two rivals fight each other...just enjoy the show and stab the winner to the death just to see the pain in their eyes”

“That…cannot be really what they taught you in business school”  I commented.

“Nope, I was sleeping and fucking around all through university...no idea how I got here, but alcohol works” He said.

Edited by @Failureoftheyear