#oh my god the tumblr update to formatting keeps bugging out this is awful

[bookwyrminspiration]

Response to an ask from Ophelia:

(this is the one about the two people)

Hello!! Welcome back! You're not bothering me at all, you never have.

I'm really sorry to hear about that situation, it sounds absolutely exhausting and frustrating. Especially just one after the other like that--but I suppose if you were trying to spin a positive on that you could say that at least they're both out of the way now and out of your life.

I know it's hard to recognize when it's so fresh, but I do think (based on the information I have) that it will be better for you in the long run. Having friends and people close to you is valuable, but you want those to be the right people, and it sounds like those people were not the right people for you. If there was such a discord between your perceptions of each other, it's telling. It's not either of your faults, sometimes people just don't work together, including as friends. There doesn't have to be a huge underlying reason, sometimes people just don't work, so please don't blame yourself for this.

You being upset is entirely valid and I'm sorry you've lost those two people in your life. If there's anything I can do to help please let me know and I'll do my best to.

I think I understand what you mean by putting so much effort and trying so hard with people but it never seeming to work. You can see all these people around you hanging out and enjoying themselves and being friends, and you can see what they're doing but when you try it doesn't seem to work right. And they make it look so effortless!! They just become friends meanwhile you're stuck trying to figure out how they do it and guessing, and you guess wrong a lot. It's so much effort without the reward, you know?

There was one time in eighth grade (age 13-ish) where I had a class of like 8-10 people and so due to close proximity, I became friendly (not friends) with a bunch of people I hadn't really talked to, and towards the end of the year one of them said something along the lines of "yeah you're much cooler/nicer now." and when I asked for clarification she said "you were such a bitch in sixth grade" (age 11-ish), which really took me off guard, because the way I remember sixth grade I was super quiet and did my work and was generally the living embodiment of "the smart kid" and didn't interact with others, but to her I seemed aloof and rude and entitled and condescending. And it was just this quiet realization of even when I'm doing nothing, I'm still doing it wrong to everyone else. When I try to interact I say things wrong, and when I don't interact I'm somehow also doing it wrong.

It was a shock at the time, but now I've moved on from it and realized that no matter what I do, to some people the genuine me is going to be incompatible with them. And that's not either of our faults. Some people don't work together. So instead I can let them go and stop trying to fit somewhere I won't ever, and look for people who I am compatible with. It's not necessarily easy to find people, but it's also so much more satisfying and rewarding than trying to make someone else work.

That...might not be very helpful to hear right now, so I'm sorry about those two people. It really does suck, and I hope you find more people in your life who are the right people for you.

As for my meltdown, it was surprisingly not as bad as I had been anticipating, but still wasn't fun. It was the kind where a situation happens and then you're like "oh I'm going to have a meltdown about this but not right now." Where you recognize you're on a decline but aren't at the bottom yet. I'm kinda used to them and know what will happen, but it's always disruptive.

I was able to relax after though, and played tiny tina's wonderlands with my dad for a few hours. It's the dnd themed borderlands shooter game we've been playing for the past few weeks. I'm currently playing a level...32? 31 or 32, gloombringer (started as a clawbringer then multi-classed as a graveborn), and my dad is a level 31 Frostwilder (started as a spore warden and multi-classed as a brr-serker).

Claiming Sophie Foster was also like a "eh why not" kind of situation. Her being autistic is an idea I've been aware of for a while (first saw it in a fic a while ago, but unsure if nilnaea would want it shared as they sent me the link personally, not publicly), and then when I was doing some recent analyses on her I realized that a lot of what I was saying just sounded like my experience growing up autistic, so when I had the meltdown it was on my mind.

I hope you're doing okay after the emotionally exhausting two days, and if there's anything i can do to help I'll do my best. I'm always here <33