#oh man do you ever love someone so much that youre just like sighhhh i love that person so much

[dsm--v]

how sprout looks taking every chance to compare us to whizzer and marvin

[reysjedi]

My thoughts but mostly my feelings.

This is the 3rd time posting these. Idk how but they keep getting deleted. 3rd times the charm?

*****TROUBLED BLOOD SPOILERS AHEAD******

Okay so I am going to start with the non ship stuff first because once that begins I will become slightly incoherent lol

• I love Barclay. He is so freaking funny. His friendship with Robin is everything. “You need to learn to read the room, mate.” I think he will be coming for Ilsa’s number one spot on the “Cormoran & Robin Shipper” list soon. 

• Speaking of Ilsa “It’s Robin’s birthday, you total dickhead.” I love it so much. Hoping for a miracle baby for her and Nick next book.

• I enjoyed the case. The characters seemed so developed and realistic. I really didn’t see the murderer coming. I also loved how it brought up why we trust certain people without a second thought. 

• I had very few disappointments in this book (besides not having a kiss which I wasn’t truly expecting) but my 2 were 1. That Strike didn’t go to his Dad’s party. Idk I really wanted that for his character even if he ever does reconcile with him it won’t be at a public event, I just really wanted to him to go and of course bring Robin. 2. That Robin wasn’t at Joan’s funeral. The flowers were lovely though. 

• Speaking of Joan <3 <3 <3 “I wish I had met your Robin.” I cried. I think it was really important for Strike to know Joan was proud of him and that he can think of that and her when he looks at the ocean. 

• Delving in to Strike’s psyche more was amazing. Learning more about his childhood. His mixed emotions about Leda. Yes. Yes. Yes. 

• I also loved Robin’s journey in this book. I’m also about to turn 29 and in a transition point in my life and how people kept saying “she was traveling in a different direction than the rest of us” really resonated with me. 

• I’m super excited about Michelle joining the agency. Robin needs another female coworker. Speaking of, I love what Pat brings to the team, especially her dynamic with Strike.

• I CHEERED when Strike manipulated Creed like that will be awesome on screen.

OKAY NOW TO THE SHIP STUFF * cracks knuckles *

• I don’t think I have every loved a literary couple this much. The way JK manages to grow and develop their relationship each book sighhh 

• THE AMOUNT OF TIMES I shouted “COMMUNICATE YOU IDIOTS” WHILE READING THIS BOOK lol but they do and when they do sighhhhh okay sorry can’t skip to the end

• I find it really funny that in a group chat on here I said I wanted holiday fluff L O L

• I was so upset for Robin on her 29th. I can’t believe he forgot but BOYYYY DID HE MAKE UP FOR IT

• Okay so let’s start the holiday fuck ups: Christmas

What a classic man. Waiting the last minute to buy presents and agonizing over it. Then he’s going to buy her perfume which just so happens is exactly what she wanted on her birthday (and yes he gets a major hint from Ilsa but still). 

AND THEN HE PANICS because picking perfume for someone is pretty intimate and he was basically delirious because of fever AND HE GETS HER CHOCOLATES sighhhh I felt so bad for how stupid he was unknowingly being. 

Her gift for him is so thoughtful and the only thing that cheers up his miserable Christmas <3

• Next, bloody Valentine’s Day: What a disaster. Robin finally lets out her frustrations on him and I think he was genuinely shocked. She had NEVER said anything like that to him. Strike has said several times how he appreciates “Robin being the only woman in his life who wasn’t trying to change him.” He thought she had no complaints because she kept quiet. It wounds him.

“And don’t buy me any more fucking flowers!” I was so worried he would take this as wanting no romantic gestures but he didn’t <3 and they even joke about it later <3

Then he thinks women never want him to apologize first (really Cormoran???) and isn’t going to call first BUT HE DOES he calls and it’s kind of a lame apology but HE CALLS FIRST. 

• The banter the entire book was amazing because GUYS THEY ARE BEST FRIENDS.

• TIME FOR CHAPTER 58: “Romantic Whiskey in the Dark” aka THE BEST CHAPTER TILL 73 The intimacy, honesty, and vulnerability of this scene * clutches chest *

“I’d like to go to the Ritz please”… lol little did we know

He finally tells her about his Dad and half siblings pestering him. He even tells her about his childhood (y’all I couldn’t believe it). Picturing young Cormoran with too short pants, anxious to meet his Dad, and then the crushing realization that he didn’t want to see him. Then him calling Strike an accident in front of him. My heart broke.  

Robin FINALLY asks him about Charlotte and he tells her about her overdose and how much anxiety that was giving him.

I feel like typing Strike’s entire inner monologue starting with “How could he say, look, I’ve tried not to fancy you since you first took off your coat in this office…” but just do yourself a favor and read Chapter 58 again (I’ll be reading it & 73 at least 5 times each today lol).

Then he brings up Ilsa trying to set them up. * flails *

They talk about Matthew and Sarah because they are sharing. And guys, sharing is truly caringggg.

Then they have the conversation about wanting to have kids. (I have a few idk meta? thoughts about all the foreshadowing in this book about them having a kid together).

I absolutely love how Robin calls him out on his “self-indulgence.” I’m not saying Strike will ever change his mind about kids but I loved that she challenged his reasoning. They are so perfect together I swear.

Then he calls her his best friend. And Robin dies. And I DIED. It was so perfect and genuine. Her response was so cute because she was so taken aback. 

EVERYTHING WAS PERFECT

Then they both start thinking about the bed that is MEARLY UPSTAIRS AND I THINK I PASSED OUT FOR A BIT.

Seriously guys CHAPTER 58 IS EVERYTHINGGGGG

• I loved how they had an honest conversation about Strike’s protectiveness of her while on the job. 

• Strike chastising himself for considering/wanting to buy her a stuffed donkey <3

• “Ya but you’re exceptional.” He so casually makes Robin’s heart soar. It is perfect. 

• OKAY I THINK I’M READY TO DISCUSS ROBIN’S 30TH I NEVER and I mean NEVER COULD HAVE IMAGINED THIS FOR THEM

Back to Strike appreciating Robin “never wanting to change him” but then she tells him she hates when he’s late (andddd he’s on time NO DARE I SAY EARLY for their meetings for the rest of the book). She often feels underappreciated and wishes he would just make more of an effort. AND BOYYYY DOES HE EVER.

HE CHANGES GUYS��� TO MAKE HER HAPPY “People can change. Or so a psychiatrist in Broadmoor told me.”

She thought he forgot again * cries *

He arranges for her to wake up to his donkey balloon and signs it “(Not flowers) Love Strike x” GUYSSSSS

Robin’s little tarot card read (WE NEED TO META THE CRAP OUT OF THIS) T

hen they meet up and HE LETS HER PICK OUT HER PEFUME (what she has been searching for the entire book, the perfume that suits her new life and he buys it for her in the best possible way THE SYMBOLISM COROMORAN IS ONE WITH THE PERFUME THE PERFUME IS ONE WITH HIM * flails *) and HE ADMITS HE FUCKED UP GETTING IT FOR HER ON CHRISTMAS

SHE ASKS HIM TO HELP HER CHOOSE BEWTEEN THE LAST TWO AND HE CHOOSES THE ONE THAT REMINDS HIM OF SEX. I mean I never thought the description of “musky skin and bruised flowers” could be so sexy. 

I DIEDDDDDDDD

THEN HE TAKES HER TO THE RITZ FOR CHAMPAGNE <3 <3 <3

ROBIN WAS SO SHOCKED BUT NOT AS SHOCKED AS ME

“Strike, said Robin, This is thoughtful.” Oh you mean just like you asked him to be? This is him trying. HE’S WOOING YOU ROBIN. 

GUYS WHAT IF THE NEXT BOOK STARTS RIGHT AFTER THEIR DATE (yes it is totally a date) AND THEY HAVE SEX BECAUSE THAT WAS STRIKE FINALLY TRYING (and he changed his phone numberrrrr) 

THAT WAS PEAK ROMANCE (I need fics).

I am seriously so happy with how far they have come together and super excited about their future <3

wow

If anybody read all of that message me so we can discuss (flail) together.

When do we get to read book 6??????

[lovemesomesurveys]

My very first survey on this blog in 2014/present

A lot of the answers were the same for it being a 4 years difference, which is kinda sad lol.

Are you attracted to the last person that kissed you? Sigh. Very much so. || Not anymore. Oh man. This was still when Joseph and I had our thing going on.

What did you do yesterday? I’ve been on break for the past week and I can honestly say I haven’t really done anything. It’s been kinda nice. || I just rested, Tumblr-ed, did some surveys, colored, and watched TV.

Something you really want right now? Hmm. I don’t really want anything at this exact moment. || Food. I don’t want to make anything; though, cause it’s almost 3AM and I should just go to sleep.

What were you doing an hour ago? Making this side blog. || Surveys.

If you could seek revenge on someone would you? Nahh. I’m not revengeful. || I’m still not.

Does any part of your body hurt right now? Nope. || My back kind of does.

Did anyone see you kiss the last person you kissed? Probably. Sighhhh. It’s been so long since he and I last saw each other. The situation with me and ~him is complicated. Isn’t it always? || I believe so.

Can you recall the last time you liked someone? Yep. Right this very second. I more than like him at this point, but like I said. It’s complicated. || Yeah, back in 2016.

Would you ever get a tattoo? I want to. I’m just a big ol’ baby. || Haha. I’m still a big ol’ baby.

Do you think you will be in a relationship 3 months from now? HA. That’s funny. || Nopeee.

Who was the last person you talked to on the phone? Uhh. Probs my mom yesterday when she called from work. || <<< Honestly, same. lol.

Who was the last person you talked to in person? My brother. ||  <<< Same again. Omg my life is so predictable.

What plans do you have for tomorrow? Coffee with Amanda. Maybe get some more Christmas shopping done. Hopefully! || Aww, back when I had a social life and did stuff. Anyway, tomorrow I have that doctor appointment I’ve been dreading. I wish I was having that day from 4 years ago.

Has a friendship ended recently that you wish had not? Not recently, but yes a friendship has ended that I wish had not. || Like all of them.

What are you listening to right now? Hey Arnold. || I Love Lucy.

What happened at 9:00 am today? It hasn’t been 9am yet, but I imagine my ass will be on the couch scrolling through Tumblr and watching tv. Exciting stuff, guys. || Ew why was I up so early? lol. I’ll still be asleep at 9.

Ever given your ALL to someone who walked away? Yes. I put my heart on the line and they walked away. Awesome. || Yeppp.

Have you ever kissed the last person you texted? Nooo. || On the cheek.

Do you and your last ex hate each other? Nah. We don’t talk, but there’s no hard feelings. || Nope. It’s like that situation as the one from before.

What are you afraid of? Life. Death. || <<< That, and just that things are always going to be how they are for me or even worse.

When was the last time you were sick? Always. || I last had a virus type thing a few months ago, but otherwise I pretty much always feel crappy in some way.

Are you one of those people who are always cold? No. Although, I am right now. || No. I’m the one who’s usually always hot.

Where are your biological parents? In their room. Sleeping. || <<< Yep.

Do you have any summer plans yet? I wish. It’s still awhile away, though. It could change. || Summer is just about over, thank goodness.

Do you tend to waste a lot of money? On food. Always. || I have a bad habit of online shopping lately.

Last thing that you said out loud? “Goodnight, Jon.” || “Goodnight.”  Based on this survey it would seem like my life hasn’t changed at all lol.

Do you have trust issues? It’s not really trust issues. I just have a hard time opening up in general. || Yep, still that way.

Do you think this year will be better than the last? This year is just about over, which is crazy. I always hope the next year will be better, but there’s always something. || This year was awful.

What are you doing? This pretty much. My tv is on, but it’s background noise. || Sigh. I could just paste this and not change anything.

Are you a jealous person? Yes, but not like psycho jealous. You probably wouldn’t even know it. || I have my moments of envy.

Do you think age matters in relationships? Well, yes. To an extent. || <<<<

When was the last time you got a haircut? I think maybe back in July. Or a little before then. I’m trying to grow out my hair now. I’m over short hair. || Early August I got it trimmed.

Do you know anyone that smokes weed? Tons of people. || Yep.

Who is the last person you rode in a car with? Mom & brother. || <<<<

What is one thing you’d love to happen tomorrow? I’d like to get more Christmas shopping done. My plans for that are still up in the air. I can’t believe Christmas is already next week like wth??? That went by SO FAST. || I just hope my doctor appointment goes okay. I want to get it over with.

Did you sing at all today? Yes. || No.

Do you look more like your mom or your dad? My mom. || <<<<

Where will you be 2 hours from now? In bed asleep. || <<<< Omggg.

Are there any stressful situations in your life? A few. || There’s plenty. A lot has changed in that sense anyway from 4 years ago.

Are your lips chapped at the moment? Nope I’m good thanks for asking. || No.

When you met the person you now love, what happened?: Uh well we met through a mutual. Nothing happened right away. He pursued me first after awhile, but I wasn’t interested initially. Boy did that change. || I don’t love anyone in the romantic sense.

Did you realize anything today?: No, but it’s early. || Not so far.

What do you need right now?: Sleep probably. || Sleep. Food.

What’s your favorite food?: Mongolian BBQ. || Taco Bell, chicken tenders, french fries, Top Ramen.

How are you feeling today?: Just kind of whatever. It’s 1 in the morning.|| Anxious.

What is your biggest fear?: Life and death. || I answered that already in this survey.

Describe your looks to us: Ugly? Ha. I don’t know. Look at my avatar.  || <<<<

Have you ever woke up next to someone and wanted to puke? UH no I can honestly say I have not. || No.

What are you listening to right now? Degrassi. || I Love Lucy.

Are you afraid of death? Very. || Yes.

Do you open up to people easily? No. It takes a lot. || <<< I’m the most open in surveys.

Do you miss anyone? So very much. || A few someones.

What are you going to do tomorrow? I feel like I’ve been asked this a billion times. || As I’ve stated already, a doctor appointment.

Does any part of your body hurt right now? Noooo. || Kind of.

[sweet-xoxo-thatcares]

I remember when dad couldn't pick me up after our 2nd transfer bus got pulled out from dropping me and the other kids in my neighborhood. It was bus 130.

That whole end of my 7th grade year, I walked the way home by myself. I cut through northern high parking lot and around that big ol' man made water basin that they had there. It stood across the view of a gas station and a Publix. Man, did they have some good ass chocolate chip cookies, not too hard and not too doughy. It was like a soft, hard cookie dough cookie that barely browned in the oven, but just enough for the thick chocolate chunks to melt in your mouth with that buttery dough. I never walked over there though because...mom wouldn't have allowed it...and I was way too scared and nervous to run across the street with those cars there. (Vs now, I do that as a fun, little escape running super speed as soon as the walk light comes on lol 😆 mom and dad think I'm nuts for doing that cause they're afraid I could get hit. But when you blast Jasiah, Denzel Curry, and Suicide Boys in your Ear you feel like you can do anything. So I kick in nitro)

Anyways, the walk was about two to three miles, and at the time that was the longest mom and dad had ever let me walk by myself. Mom wasn't there because she had already moved to Mississippi for her new job. I wanted to help out Dad, since he had to pick up my sisters from school at the same time I got to our base for school bus dropoffs. It was so fun back then to ride the school bus. I always sat near the window, or at least tried....I hated sitting by people I didn't know because I was afraid people were gonna make fun of me for being big or having sweaty armpits. I have noooo idea why, but even my sisters went through it to around their puberty time. It's like our glands produced so much more sweat when we were stressed, working out, or just barely even sweating in Florida. Like all of my shirts always had this itchy, cracked, dry spots in the armpits because I had to swipe sooooo much deodorant on it was crazy. I remember counting it out, like 16, 27 times I would whip cream my damn armpits because kids make fun of you for being fat, now everytime they saw my sweaty, funky pits and yes they used to get that bad it was annoying as hellll. And Bighead used to make fun of me for that. I used to call him all types of names cause he was such an asshole to me and my friends, practically tortured me for fun all through out middle school until we later on had to move to Mississippi too from Florida.

I walked that walk because I never wanted to put my pride to the side and just ask Bighead, the idiot who lived in the same neighborhood as me, like I literally stayed about 10 min walk away...and I could see him and his mom and his sister, who I was friends with...drive pass me each and every day. I would listen to music on the radio with my earbuds in my turquoise mp3 player. They kept playing "There goes my baby" by Usher alot at that time.

I even remember reading The Giver on the walk home, because I really didn't wanna miss my favorite home TV shows like iCarly, sometimes Arthur or whatever cartoons on Cartoon Network.

I used to think about Bighead alot when that song would play at the same time his mom drove by. I still hated his guts though, always picking on me, being a hassle...it was a honest waste of a crush to have even liked him. He never changed as I found out later on in high school when we both reached back out to each other, on and off. Total jackass. Probably a narcissist...

Speaking of books, Ms. Simmons gave us this book about the holocaust called Night by Elie Wiesel. It was a good book and Im shocked crazy earring Ms. Simmons thought it was ok for us to read about kids and people getting hung, but I was glad she did. It had an audio book that cams with it, I almost wanted to watch it if they ever made it into a movie.

I think Ms. Simmons might have inspired me to wear different, quirky earrings like that. Cause she was the 1st white woman I ever seen wear them like that or even asymmetrical earrings. She loved alot of color and if she wore cherries, she had cherry earrings, sorta like that. Matchy-matchy. She even had a candy cart after school so I sorta liked her for being creative. That was until she pissed me off about a test,

And I don't play about my tests.

My ass was on the line, that's why.

I hated getting bad grades at home, because who do you think starts checking up on you more??

Yea, and I hate being micromanaged...if I even got a C or a low B, dad would lecture me on doing a better job cause he didn't want my grades to fall 😒 I always tried to explain myself when I felt like it was an unfair grade cause some people put trick questions or essay sections. And I used to hate those. Now I double check everything and I have alot more to say, instead of being afraid that I'll get it wrong, fucking up my chances to get a closer chance at an A or a B. Daddy said to always go for A's, always do your best. But that meant cramming my short term, photographic memory with alot more papers and notes.

Boy did I used to hate taking notes. Now after everything, I see I need notes to keep up on knowledge and bullshit from misinformation given to me by other people.

I used to actually be so innocent, only caring about not disappointing my parents and not making them look bad when we go to school or go out with them in public. And of course kicking Bighead in the nuts everytime he made me feel like the ugliest girl in school just because he made a comment about my fat rolls popping out in my bright, tight, stretchy cotton tshirts or from me not smelling good from being sweaty 🙃 he had a whole bunch of people I didn't even know, just laughing at me just because he made it seem like it was ok for them to laugh at me because he was. He started it. And it kept going 6th and 7th grade...it followed me all the way until I....well until I realized Darius wasn't my person either 😑

Fairytales and movies blew up these love scenarios, and even in anime or Korean dramas (based on Japanese anime) where the quiet, shy girl ends up falling for the aloof, emotionally unavailable guy who's cute and he's popular, "but oh, he would never talk to me or look at me that way" sighhhh, babygirl feeling.

Then at the end he reveals his true feelings and it turns out he made her suffer and wait for him for so long, just because he was too shy to tell her or too ashamed because he didn't want to be made fun of by his friends. And then they kiss and live happily ever after.

That's what the old me in middle school and high school used to think of love in high school was like. Boy, was I stupid 🤣 that's the most dumbest shit I ever heard. People wtfff???!! Why the fuck is it expected for us to be submissive, take this boy's bullshit and commital issues to just you, as if him showing you any kind of attention is worthwhile the wait as if he's the best thing in the world, letting you into his circle like he's vip. Which is not true. Because when you look at somebody like that for so long and then you let them get away with treating you like shit, just because you like them...is so not cool and you deserve better. Looks can only last so long.

And maybe that's why I had to look at that lesson again from somebody like Jay, chubby, but cute, but still not as masculine as Bighead, where at home in Florida, boys who didn't care about you as much, athletes, and mixed/black/white/Asian skinnier people were popular and you weren't....because of your clothes, shoes, your big hands, big feet so you had to wear boy shoes, your thick, strong legs, your height, your double chin, your sweaty gland disorder from puberty, your fat rolls on your back, and even your backpack....was not cool or even popular.

You were different so you just didn't fit in with everybody. But it made me feel alone, cause nobody new looked at me, talked to me, or even asked me where I got my new Adidas (cause I actually did like Adidas).

After awhile I stopped caring and didn't care to give new people a try. I'd rather eat by myself than to eat with people who made me feel unwelcome with stares, stressing me out because I don't know what they're judging me on or was gonna comment on me next. It was so aggravating for me just to speak to someone random unless we had to because of class. I really don't remember nobody was calling me ugly, but just for them to comment on anything little thing or how my hair looked like momma did, really hurt.

And it was mindfucking me. Because the people I ended up running away to, did the same thing as them. Reminding me of home in Florida, where comments felt like mom's pinches. Reminding me that I'm not doing a good enough job of representing her, or just looking good enough to be liked or told I looked great today. Because I rarely got compliments until I got a perm redid, or I got braids. I'm glad I rebeled against perms because my ends kept breaking off and I would hate how rough the texture would get and I wore bonnets/wraps that kept falling off because I'm a wild sleeper, always kicking and moving around. Maybe that wasn't a good mattress match for me idk....but taking care of permed hair was so frustrating. They said don't use too much heat to flat iron or flat iron too much, but your hair don't look good as is, not being straight and I hated how that Florida humidity would poof up my hair because our school was not an all indoor school. There was only the 7th grade hallway and the gym in AC, but everything was fucking outdoor, concrete style. So you was always hot, always sweaty. So not the same in Michigan. I always thought I looked like Dora with my orange tan and black Bob hair. I never liked taking pictures in middle school because I felt so ugly just because no boy at school had asked me out, and the boy I wanted was a little ass, scrawny, bony bully, picking on me at school for how I looked and how I dressed, and my sweaty, funky pits and even my boobs. He made me hate my big boobs. He always made fun of them in how I ran when he would pass me on the track with his friends. It was hard enough to have older boys say something when you got DD's at such a young age....I hated them. I would have donated mine to the girl with A cups because I hated them being made fun of or being commented on. It was embarrassing for me when ppl would ask me what size are they and I felt pressured to say what size. I hated when a group of people would come up to me to say something, I would go defensive, excited, anxious, tense, and then almost ready to fight if they said something I didn't like to hear cause constant criticism made me not wanna hear any of it. And mom didn't make it no better "do you want people talking about you?" It was just a hassle to please her and she almost always bought clothes that either felt uncomfortable to wear, but was cute for her, so she made me wear it, or she just wanted it because of the patterns she liked. I rarely had a choice or say in anything. And that I didn't like too, because it's my body. But to them, it belonged to them and I had to do what they said. Wearing clothes that felt unreal, unmanageable because most of it in my closet weren't really mine, they were hers.

I guess she got the memo, so she started doing gift cards. I can't believe I used to wear fuchsia or hot pink so much and my skin color down there looked like a browned, golden-orange. We used to wear alot of orange and bright green too. Green and gold used to be mom's favorite colors. It reminded me of Christmas 🎄 which I also miss too.

Christmas in Florida used to be the greatest because we had a house full with aunty and uncle and the cousins. Flint used to feel the warmest because when we visited got the holidays, everybody was there. All in one place. We were together, celebrating, eating homemade country style, traditional food all night long, with the kids in my other grandma's basement watching movies and playing games, and the adults upstairs. I always felt like the baby and later on the middle child between both, child and adult.

And I'm kinda seeing now I got stuck this way, people pleasing towards both sides, between the adults and the kids because I was so used to being the middle man, the negotiator, the even-steven, fair and square, Charlie Brown in my family as being the oldest. I always felt the need to keep both sides on one accord, because sometimes we misunderstood each other. Cause that's the way dad brought it to me, he was Mr.negotiator between me and my mom growing up. He got to have fun and play games and sports, watch cartoons with me as a kid, and then at home with mom he would do romantic, adult stuff for mom like drink out of these expensive looking wine glasses and chocolate strawberries 🍓