#oh i wish i had the stamina. i want to write a time loop for ninjago so bad but it requires SUCH delicacy and this. this fic is the blueprin

[un-pearable]

NOT FOR VERY MUCH LONGER UPDATE 💥💥💥💥💥💥💥💥💥💥

[gottawriteanegoortwo]

Dilliam - A Battle of Rank

Today I learned about the Purple Heart! It’s absolutely perfect for Damien given everything he’s gone through! According to research I did on the USO, the Purple Heart was originally called the Badge of Military Merit. It wasn’t actually in use in the era I set WKM, but hey, Mark’s manor had a high-tech security camera among other things, so let’s blame broken time!

Unfortunately, not-writing has taken over my brain. BUT! I've had this saved so I can gradually work on something absolutely kinda-angsty-but-adorable that you inspired. Hopefully it’ll work for you!!

For context, in the War/Role Reversal AU, Damien lost most of his left leg while in the war. This goes a little into detail of his struggle with a prosthetic leg, but I’m not entirely sure what the tag would be for a trigger warning. If anyone knows it (or anything else I might have missed), please let me know! I’ve used a read-more just in case.

(also, I need to give this AU a proper tag for easier searching. Whoops)

Word count: 1,293

-

There was no denying the closeness between a Colonel and one of the soldiers that had been under his command during the war. When he discovered Damien was alive, but badly injured, William decided to dedicate as much time as he could to help Damien adjust to his new life. Whether it be emotional support to help him through the grief of losing a leg, or physical support (being a physical crutch or carrying him), William tried his hardest to be there. That didn't change when Damien finally could get a prosthetic a year later and relearned how to walk with it. William stayed loyal no matter what.

The general in the barracks noted this behaviour. William was always an eccentric, but helping another soldier seemed to give him grounding and a focus. Who knows how he might have handled the impact of civilian life if left drifting alone. Though it was not a normal situation… Colonel Barnum was never one to do things the "normal" way. Perhaps General McRoy noticed the loyalty of old friends twinned with the guilt of not being able to do enough to help. Perhaps he noticed the love that William was struggling to keep a secret. Either way, he said nothing and allowed his subordinate more flexibility with his duties.

Which was how Damien was being escorted back to City Hall by William after an official visit to a local school to talk about the purple medal he had received during the war. The pair took advantage of the pleasant weather and opted to walk the short distance back instead of taking the official vehicle as they had earlier. It allowed the two friends to chat about small nothings and their friends.

"- so then Mark kicked up quite the fuss after the ball splashed in the swimming pool. I don't think I've seen him have such a temper tantrum over golf since - Damien?" William cut himself off mid-sentence as he turned his head to notice Damien wasn't there.

"I'm alright, keep going." Damien tried to insist with a wave of his free hand. William could see how Damien struggled to walk, how he was leaning heavily on the ornate cane, how exhausted he looked. The Mayor gave a heavy sigh as William marched over. "Colonel, please. You don't need to-"

"You can't keep pushing yourself if you're tired, Damien. I'm going to help you back to the office, and then you're going to rest. Colonel’s orders." He looped Damien's right arm over his shoulder to provide further support as they hobbled toward City Hall.

"Fine, you can help, but I hope you realise how humiliating this is," scowled Damien. The sour tone was noticed, but ignored by William.

"We're nearly there," William instead replied, nodding toward the building as he tried to lift the mood for the final stretch.

--

William stepped out of the office to fetch Damien a cup of water. When he returned, he was greeted with the sight of Damien back at his desk, busy at work. The glass was slammed down on the desk with such intensity that it made Damien jump.

"Is this what you call 'resting'?"

"I'm sitting, just like you said. What more do you want?" Damien reached to the left to grab a page that had fluttered off when he jumped, to no avail. William had snatched it up, forcing him to stay in the conversation.

"I left you on that couch for a reason, Damien. You were supposed to be putting your leg up to let it rest. I trusted you to be able to follow that simple order!" William pointed to the couch in question. His snapping didn't deter Damien.

"Did you forget I can't lounge around during work hours? If my legs hurt, they hurt. I'm an elected official. I'm supposed to be working to help the people. That's why I ran for election-"

"- and that's why you went to war!" William cut him off. "Always thinking about others and never considering the consequences to yourself! Tossing away pieces of yourself until there's nothing left, is that what you call serving others? Are you content with destroying yourself for the sake of others, Private?!"

“For God’s sake, William, we aren’t in war anymore! You aren’t my superior that I have to obey every little order from. We’re both civilians, and I’m now higher ranked than you!”

"Don't you talk to your commanding officer like that!"

"Don't you talk to your Mayor like that!!"

Damien slamming his hands on the desk cut the argument short. Both men were on their feet, glaring at one another. Damien's hands were flat on the desk to keep himself balanced, but it did little to stop his vision doubling and his head briefly drooping. It was only for an instant, but it was enough for him to feel firm hands on his shoulders, gently easing him back into his seat. The chair was turned so William could kneel down and look him in the eye.

"I've told you a dozen times not to stand up so fast. You get dizzy far too easily," tutted William, placing a hand on Damien's forehead to make sure nothing else was awry. 

"I'm sorry," Damien mumbled, "I know you mean well. It's so frustrating knowing I'm so… Helpless. Everything tires me out faster, simple things are such a struggle. It's been - what, four years? - since I lost my leg and it's still like I'm back in 1919 in that blasted rehabilitation centre trying to balance all over again." As he blurted out his frustrations, William rubbed circles into the back of Damien's hand with his thumb. "What happened - what we helped do - I wouldn't change my outcome for the world but… God, I just wish I didn't keep falling back when I think I've made progress." William sighed softly in sympathy. He had received a rather nasty gunshot wound in his shoulder that sometimes acted up, but it rarely hindered him. Damien couldn't go a day without being reminded of his leg.

"Don't start that nonsense, Private. You've come on in leaps and bounds. Your stamina is much better, your gait is steady and even. What happened today is one tiny stumble on the long road of recovery. Just stop, look back, and see how far you’ve come.” William seemed so sure of his words, until he noticed the way Damien’s face scrunched up. ���... What?”

“Everything you just said used walking metaphors. That’s the opposite of reassuring.”

“Oh, uh, shit, I… Fuck, sorry.” A nervous chuckle escaped the Colonel. “You’re doing great, Damien. You know you’re the smarter one out of the two of us. Using smart words in a smart way is your job, not mine. I barely survived high school, remember?”

“But you’re a Colonel. That means you’re a very smart man too,” Damien, at last, had a smile on his face. “May I take your hand?” When William nodded, the Mayor was quick to do so and kiss the back of it. “Thank you for being here for me, even if I’m still the worst patient.”

“You’re a woeful patient. But you’re handsome, so I’ll forgive you.” The smile was matched as an idea popped into William’s head. “May I kiss you? As an apology, I mean.”

“Yes, sir.” It was a quiet reply, but enough for William to hear and quickly follow on that request. When he pulled back, he reached out to adjust the medal still pinned on Damien’s jacket.

“There. Now, finish what you’re doing so I can take you back to your house so you can lie down without interruption,” Damien gave William a tired look, but the Colonel quickly continued, “s-speaking as a concerned boyfriend, of course.”

[galaxy-otter]

Self Insert Handplates Bittybones Story- ACT FOUR- Troubling Would be an Understatement

Your POV-

You ran down the hall, practically jittering with excitement. You opened the door to your guest bedroom a bit and whispered, "Guys? I have someone I want you to meet." Two small heads perked up at your voice. 

You gave them a smile and 2-P smiled back, "HELLO Y/N! WHO IS THIS PERSON?"

"Uh, he hasn't given me his name yet. He has, like, a crack running down his face. A lab coat. Other stuff." Alright, you didn't really like the reaction they gave you at the 'lab coat' description. 

They both tensed, and 2-P spoke, "DO WE UH, HAVE TO MEET HIM?"

"Well, no, but he IS gonna be staying here for a while. Like, a LONG while, but no, you don't." You heard a sigh of relief come from the boys and you trecked down the hall in disappointment. Turning the corner, you leaned against the wall of the kitchen. "Uh, well, they're a little shy right now, so no meet up. But, for now, why don't you rest a bit. Don't think I don't see those bags under your eyesockets, mister." You wagged your fingers in a playful motion, causing the skeleton to roll his eyes. 

He got up and looked over the counter, "Uh, I can't get down."

"Oh, shit, sorry dude. Do you want me to carry you there or...?"

He gave a slight nod and you scooped him up in your hands. Passing the guest bedroom, you turned and stepped foot into your room. Placing him on your bed, you gave a small 'huff,' "Make yourself at home, dude! I'll be in my office if you need me. Have a good nap, little dude!" 

Gaster's POV-

Gaster curled up the best he could with the ache in his nonexistent stomach. Why... why was this human so nice to him!? All of the other humans were absolute garbage to him, even before he was small! Speaking of which, why was he even small in the first place? What happened to him and the subjects? All he remembers before was him staring at the camera in the bo- subject's cell. 

...

....

.....

White, everything was white. He was big again, staring at what seen like an endless white void. It, in fact, WAS an endless, white void. He walked, and he walked, and he walked until he couldn't anymore. Collapsing to the ground, he sighed. There really was no end to this void, was there? This was what he deserved, in a way. He had done terrible things, to CHILDREN, no less. No... it was for the good of the underground. He said he was going to get them all out of there and he MEANT IT. All he was was a mistake. No one cares about him... no one... no on-

"Hello?"

What appeared in front of him was a human. ANOTHER human. She wore round glasses and a red scarf with a tear around her neck. She had what appeared to be a scar on her left cheek, with a blue hoodie and grey sweat pants to go along with it. She was barefoot and appeared to be a child. He gained the courage and spoke, "W-Where am I, human?"

"You're, uh, in the anti void. You're kinda dreaming right now. Still with that other human, small, and asleep." 

She reached her hand out, but he slapped it away, "I can get up on my own."

"I... okay, I guess."

Gaster got up and dusted himself off, eyeing the human as he did so. Now, with regained stamina, he started walking again, with the human behind him. "Why are you following me, human?" 

"To make sure you don't get lost!" She gave him a smile, but he scoffed at it. What did she want? All humans want SOMETHING from monsters, that was how it always was and always will be with the two races. 

"What are your motives?"

The human tilted her head, then smirked, "Not gonna ask me my name first?" Gaster kept glaring, and she giggled, "I'm just teasing, all in good fun. I don't have motives, and my name is Twiggy, by the way. You can call me Twigs, though." She held out her hand, and he reluctantly took it.

"All humans have motives, you MUST have something you must want from me."

She shrugged, "No, but a certain someone wanted me to say he missed you. He wishes to see you again, you know." 

Gaster narrowed his eyesockets at her, "Who are you talking about?"

Twiggy tapped her chin a few times, "He really big, and goopy. Has a skull face and a whole bunch of bones sprawled over him. Ring a bell to ya?"

Gaster's face drained, more so than he ever thought possible, "How do you know him?"

Again, Twiggy just shrugged it off like it was no big deal, "Spooked me by nipping the back of my shirt. Told me to tell you that, nudged me, and left."

He nodded, trying to wrap his skull around that sudden information. 

"Oh! Also, there's someone I would like you to meet. Follow me." She motioned for him to follow and he did. The anti void seemed to get darker and darker until it was just a void. A white, sitting figure sat, head to the floor.

The figure turned and spoke, "Twigs, is that you?"

Twiggy ran over to them and gave them a hug, "Swap! I want to meet someone!"

"I don't know this place like you do, but I'm PRETTY sure that there's no one... out... there." 'Swap' stared at Gaster for a solid minute, then put her hands around her mouth, "Oh my goodness, your from the original Handplates universe." Swap got up and ran over to Gaster and put her hands on his shoulders, causing him to tense. "I have a friend that lives there. Do you know Maple? Well, if so, I'm kinda an alternate version of her. Oh goodness, I'm rambling again. Sorry about that, I've just never been to the original universe before. I'm Swap, if you... already hadn't known that." She put her hand out and Gaster took it. 

Gaster sighed, "So you're a version of Maple? You... kind of look like me though."

"I'm kind of you AND Maple. I'm from SwapPlates. Everyone's roles are swapped. For example, Alphys is captain of the royal guard instead of Undyne, and I'm swapped with you! The only people who aren't swapped are the brothers. I... created them in my AU, but I didn't DO anything to them. It's kinda a MercyPlates situation. I have a wife, her name is Insanity. She's from DustPlates, has a high LV. See?" She showed her hand to reveal a blue and orange ring with tiny bones carved into it. "She had it made to represent Sans and Papyrus, or 1-S and 2-P in your case, isn't that thoughtful? She also got me this." Gaster let out a small gasp as she showed the subjects handplates. It looked to be 1-S and 2-P's handplates, half of each, put together to form one. It now read WDG-1P. 

"How did you-"

"Insanity gave it to me for my birthday last year, won't tell me how she made it or got it. Do you know?"

Gaster shook his head. He was lying, of course, he knew exactly how this Insanity person got it. The only way she could have got it was killing... the brothers... he didn't want to think about that right now. 

Swap's voice shattered his train of thought, "Are you okay? You don't seem to be handling this very well."

"I... am just not used to the lack of color, that is all." He looked at Swap, "Why are you two even here?"

"I go here to smoke, but Twiggy just goes here to relax. Queen Toriel would be pretty mad if she found out I was smoking, heh."

He looked at the black floor, then had a thought, "Is there a way that you two can make me big again?" 

Swap pondered for a bit, then perked up and smiled, "Yea, I think so, but I need someone to help. Follow me!" He followed her through what seemed like an endless loop. Black, white, black, white, it just kept going. During a white transition, however, he saw a familiar figure laying down, supposedly asleep. He backed up on impulse and Swap turned to look at him, "Are you ok?" He shut his eyes and nodded. She smiled, "He not gonna hurt you," she pointed to herself, "Not on my watch!" She walked over to the sleeping figure and lightly shook his skull, "Void, wake up, I need a favor." Void grumbled and nudged his head on her cleavage. Swap pushed him away, "Stop that and get up already."

"Alright, alright," Void sighed, "What is it Swap?" Before she could answer, however, Void had caught sight of Gaster. Gaster tensed more and more until he was eye level with the figure, "My oh my, what do we have here? Docter WD Gaster, in the void? Fall into the CORE already, huh?" 

Swap put her hands in front of Void, "No, he has not. He was shrunk and placed in a different universe by Author-Chan and we need you to change him back."

Void smiled, like a sadistic freak, "That... can be arranged..."

Author-Chan is me for you confused peeps. 

A cliffhanger! Never thought I'd do one of those.  Just a hint though, none of this will be NSFW! I don't swing that way when I write fanfics, so don't expect anything like that. Expect warnings, though. Warnings like self-harm, depression, stuff like that. Oops, did I give another hint about MC? My bad! Enjoy guys! :)

[unwillingkomaedakin]

Entry 4 - July 2nd 2020

i haven’t written in here in quite a bit. nothing much has been happening. i finished watching kaguya-sama and now i’m watching haikyuu. it’s midnight as i’m writing this, it just became the 2nd. i just want to write about something that happened just now. it’s really embarrassing. but this is a diary or something, it’s anonymous. so i’ll write about it. 

i found the type of porn and sex positions i’m into, cowgirl and missionary. so of course i was getting off and shit. i don’t have a piss fetish or anything of the sort, i’ll say that now. i learned to get off with my left hand, but my right hand is my dominant hand, so i don’t have a lot of stamina when i get myself off. i’ve never actually came before, but i think i’ve come close. i always lose all my strength and stamina right before i peak. to help with this a bit and to distract myself from being worn out and trying to reach a high, i usually get off when i have a near-full bladder. it puts me on edge, and it distracts me somewhat from feeling tired. there’s this video called unsettling Komaeda noises or something that i usually listen to on loop when i’m getting off as a stimulant of sorts. 

i also just wanna write about why i’m such a nymphomaniac. i’ve never had a real friend before. i’m the very definition of lonely and sad. love and acceptance is the thing i crave all day every day. i’m not sure if this sounds a bit weird or is taboo or whatever, but i’m more into sex for the intimacy. or something. i’m bad at wording things. i love it for the feelings, not the pleasure. to have proper sex with someone, you feel extremely comfortable around them and love them a lot. and they feel the same way about you. and you two trust each other completely and want to do it to make the other happy from the pleasure. the feelings and intentions is what i’m invested in. wholesome sex. that sorta summarizes it. i’m not exactly into a lot of kinks or whatever. i do have a praise kink. but that’s it. i love it because of the feelings involved in having passionate sex. i want to have someone i really love and trust, and they feel the same way about me. i’d love that more than anything in the world. 

as stupid as this sounds, Komaeda is probably the closest thing i have to a friend. i love Him and His character. i love everything about Him. i relate to almost every aspect of Him. low self-esteem, sickly, an outcast, “strange” ideals, somewhat breathy voices, yearn for nothing more than someone who cares. i fucking love Him. He’s my comfort character. as my name implies, i’m a Komaeda kin. haha. it does sorta suck, but it makes me happy that i’m so similar to someone i love and adore. Komaeda and i naturally get along on island mode in danganronpa 2, and i think we’d be best friends if we ever met. i love Komaeda. when getting off, most people probably imagine the person they love or admire doing things to them, but since i have no one, Komaeda fills that void for me. i have such a strong connection to Him, He not only brings me extreme comfort, but He’s the person i’d trust with having sex with more than anyone i know. i hate everyone i know. they’re all horrible people. i’m a little obsessed with Komaeda i suppose. He’s my profile picture on discord, and has been for months. He brings me so much comfort that not having Him as my profile picture can cause me to feel physically ill or even have a breakdown from discomfort, distress and panic. it brings me comfort knowing that my profile picture will always stay the same, and won’t suddenly change on me. anyway, i think that’s enough rambling about Komaeda for now. 

so today i was just getting off and whatever but i didn’t realize just how full my bladder was, and in the middle of getting off, i pissed a tiny bit, like a drop. if there’s anyone else reading this, i just wanna say, i was equally as grossed out as you would be. i don’t have a piss fetish. so i was like “oh shit” and went to the toilet and pissed like a third of it out so i still had enough to help me get off easier. so when that’s over and i return to my room, i finish the deed. that ends after like 30 minutes. somehow my bladder has completely filled up again. usually after i get off at night i take a shower, and since i needed to piss really soon, i decided to hurry into the shower. i get my pajamas ready and run to the shower. in the shower, there’s this small pole connecting the shower head to the wall. we have this plastic shelf that usually hangs on the pole that has the soap, shampoo etc. on it. for some reason, this shelf had been taken out of the shower and was sitting on the other side of the room leaning up against the wall. this was literally the first time it had been taken down since i’ve lived in my house, and we’ve lived here for like 4 years or something. just my luck. half of the stuff on the shelf had been moved around so i took a little to find my stuff. 

while looking for the soap and trying to hold in my piss. it started coming out, completely against my will. i panicked so much. luckily it was midnight so almost everyone was asleep and didn’t hear me panic. i start taking off my pants and socks in a hurry to get into the shower as soon as possible to avoid actually pissing myself. however, my pants just so happened to get stuck on my socks, and before i knew it, i pissed myself. my underwear were drenched in piss. you could even see it. of course i wrapped my other clothes around the underwear so you wouldn’t see it. i’m really scared as to if you can see if someone pissed themselves from looking at their underwear like a day later. i really hope not. then my mom would know that me, a high schooler, pissed herself. i haven’t pissed myself since i was like 4 or something. anyway, i got off topic. after a few seconds, i finally got my pants and socks off. i quickly hopped in the shower and (for lack of a better term) let it all out. that event was fucking absurd. i never imagined that i’d piss myself, let alone as a teenager. i’m torn between finding it shameful or hilarious. 

in a few days, july 4th, my family is going on a trip to the capital of my state. for literally no reason at all. yet my bitch of a mother always complains that we have money problems, yet she wastes money on an expensive trip no one asked for. my god, she’s a fucking hypocrite. i really fucking hate her. anyway, i’ll be away for like 5 days or something, so i’m not sure if i’ll be able to write on here during that. i really want to though. i haven’t gone on a trip in years, and it’ll be eventful so i want to write about it. i have this diary app on my phone that i haven’t touched in god knows how long. i might write the entries in there and post them on here when i get back home. i don’t know. i’ll probably figure something out. 

my Komaeda jacket still hasn’t arrived yet, i really hope it gets here soon. travelling gives me a lot of anxiety, so having the jacket would definitely calm me down a lot. i’m doubting it’ll get here in time, it’d be a miracle if it did, so i guess i’ll just wish. i ordered another Komaeda figure, that’s my third one. i’m still looking for the Komaeda chara-forme figure, though it’s really rare and overpriced. i honestly doubt i’ll find it anywhere for a good price, let alone at all. i can hope though. hope. i can hope. i have hope that things will turn around. i can’t stay sad forever. things have to turn around eventually. right?

[glitteryhottubavenue]

Days and days and days

thats how it happens

You pracitice something for days and then it becomes yours. Little by little the pieces get put into place and at least your learing and there and figuring it all out. This is the post where I dont give a fuck about spelling errors

sorry bitches

cardi b is the voice of a geneation of girls who need to own themselves

what the fuck did I just listen to

That girl has power, stamina, timing, and intellegence.

get.it.

I think thtere are definte differences between white and black culture and I always feel like I should be speaking up for the female tomboi lesbian population.

There thats it. 

Ugh, still figuring out how to get the difficult stuff into words that are articulate and coherent. Its a process

But again that’s where the practice comes in right.

I can do this for 30 days and then 30 days after that. At some point things will get done

I learend alot about what we can do in a moment tonight onestage. There is a lot of milage in the non verbal scenes when taken at the right time

Now I need to find / create a track that has a slow build into what is a cool song that is obviously pointing in the direction of sex. I’m thinking Erykah Badu’s I Want You and creating a beginning that uses the breathing as a slow build. There needs to be a chord or something underneath it that overwhelms the theatre.

How can I get 3 channels out of my little mini board. Ugh my kingdom to own my own motu. Universe! I need another 8 channel motu to work with please. Maybe I can buy one? I should check in with ebay to see if they have one that I could snag. Then that would make my life a heck of a lot easier cause then I can jump through the LCS and just assign and direct via Qlab.

I only want to have on my station 

my computer

a mixer

a guitar stand

a motu

a horn place

my dj stand

wireless router 

The computer needs to go to 8 channels 

The mixer needs to hook up to the sound system

I need a boom box (or maybe just one with a jambox in it)

I need a speaker on my desk

I need a power strip (computer, mixer, motu, wireless, jambox)

I need a way to hook up to the main system with 10 sends

8 from my computer as playback on Qlab

2 from my mixer that will mix the microphone(s) 1 wired, and 2 wireless, My guitar insert, 

I’m thinking about how I can get the speaker on my desk to play. What would that be? How can I cue that and will I need a seperate line. How many can I get milage out of. I really just need to sit with the system and wrap my mind around how it works, I will do this on Tuesday with my full effort. Maybe I can get a place in pasadena that will be a short distance and that way I can just be in the area. I want to manifest a low rent space in pasadena that would be nice

I havent also figured out my connection but I think I’m getting closer to what the show should be. Tonight I tried to start a remix of Childish Gambino’s Redbone. That jam is my JAM it is so good and I think a very chill transition thing if I can remix it. I just need to tamper with the timing and everything and make a loop or sample that is perfect for the show. you already started to do it with the beginning and now you just need to expand it elsewhere. 

How long do you have to wait after rinsing out your mouth to start eating or drinking stuff again I always forget 

I had a great meeting with paul today.

I apparently am going to learn how to play the trombone

I need to message my friend and ask for help with the following

Desire on the soprano trombone

supersition on guitar

come together 

a beat for desire as a secondline

I need to listen to secondline beats and then match the trombone part to it

I can probably just look up the chords to the various tunes but maybe getting input on how to arrainge the frets though I could probably just look up the different ways to play it and then go from there.

I am again stressing about my right hand no being so good at typing

I think that practice is just doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results

I heard that before and it stuck with me

I am astounded at what humans can do all the time

I think we are really fascinating and I can’t believe that the culmination of it all is like out of some terrible 90′s movie about a future dystopia in which the media and entertainment industries have taken over. What is that about. 

Why have we not learned to work with the planet. How can we be multiplying so fast and now learn to sustain ourselves. Who are we and what are we doing here. And what are these connections we feel with one another. and why is sometimes one so strong and the other not and what is love baby dont hurt me no more

I sometimes get carried away with the spiral of the human condition. I give a lot of words to my explainations and I probably shouldnt be shy about that

These are the ramblings of a girl growing up

I never wanted to be a girl though.

And I have feelings about not seeing that but they are at conflict with the fact that I have seen other girls who look like what I used to look like and so I should probably stand down because it is time for a different civil movement. AND I can also create the movement if I write a good enough script for representaion. I would like to be involved in more projects that represented more people. I like to think that I have a good track record and am constantly supriesed when I find out that others want to do the same and are voicing their stories. I love the lgbt culture I think that there is a utopia out there for that and we had it at one point and I am a little bitter I didn’t get a chance to grow up in that culture but I’m glad for the time I got to spend there and to have met the people that I met because I think it was good for me and I just wish I looked a little more butch. I am working on it. I think its a matter of shrinking my boobs but we’ll see come the end of this apparent 60 day challenge that I;m on. I want to represent queer culture and look good doing it. But also be healthy and not drink after the opening. I won’t drink till the show closes how about that. Unless I do get an apt. close and then maybe when I have the day off the next day but In the meanimte no sir. I can get by on my vape pen and occasional puffs but low dose puffs because I want to be safe driving around this town. I need to stop texing and driving or looking at spoitiy.

omg I recconnected to whitney’s And I will alwaysl love you today. It was magical That lady’s voice oh my god, talent, true talent right there, and that song my god. I wish I had appreciated when it was on the radio back in the day but it was always a slower song and I didnt care because I preferred whiny teenage boys screaming about their adolescens. I should have braved it out and gotten into bikini kill further and discovered i couldve started my own band like they did but I was more interesetd in sports I guess

[katherine-rambles]

lately i’ve been learning a lotta things that.... make me wonder if i have low-key add/adhd?

evidence in the “probably” pile:

i learned recently that becoming angry at interruptions can be a symptom of focus issues, and that many add/adhd folks HATE interruptions.

guess who has literally scheduled her entire life around avoiding interruptions, since as long as i can remember???

like No Joke i would do homework in the early afternoon so my parents wouldn’t bother me whenever to do chores (because to them homework was Above interruptions, but nothing else was???) and then after they went to sleep i would read/play videogames/art/etc. all of which, had i done during the day, they would have felt ABSOLUTELY FREE to interrupt me and then get mad when i got mad at them for interrupting me and didn’t immediately drop it because i’m a stubborn asshat

from research of the above, i’ve learned about (and immediately converted to) the school of thought that “attention deficit disorder” might be inaccurate, and “attention regulation disorder” might be a better way of phrasing it. see this link for more info

from that link: “But with people with ADD, who have impaired executive functioning, the inability to self-regulate appears as laziness or lack of willpower. It clearly is not.”

i’ve always had IMMENSE trouble self-regulating. without places to be, work structures and schedules to support me? i 100% fall apart. i’m still having trouble, as a 23 yr old adult, at setting up bedtime and wakeup routines!!!

from a list of ADD symptoms, inattention: “Be easily distracted by things like trivial noises or events that are usually ignored by others.”

i can’t often stand music or tv or whatever while i work. either i just Stop Doing What I’m Doing and pay attention to the music or tv show (and thus waste a couple hours on tv shows i don’t even like) or i turn it off. 

relatedly: i cannot go to bed with the tv or music on, despite it being a regular occurance for many of my friends. (guess who stays wired up on sleepovers while other ppl fall asleep to media.... :^) )

from a list of ADD symptoms, inattention: “Be forgetful about daily activities (for example, missing appointments, forgetting to bring lunch)”

i circumvent this now by writing a bajillion lists all the time, but when i was younger... i almost failed sixth grade because i wouldn’t bring my homework to turn in. 

which is to say: i would take it home, i would DO all of the work, but i literally forgot to bring my homework to turn in, on a regular basis, for the better part of a year. 

my teachers were confused at my great grades but lack of homework, so they talked to my parents about it, and that got drilled the fuck outta me, but... yeah

also? i can’t sit anywhere but at the front of classes. if i am not at the front i cannot pay attention, due to all the shit that people get up to. i’d love to join u at the back of class my delinquent friends playing games on your phones, but i cannot or I Will Fail. 

from a list of ADD symptoms, inattention: “Have a hard time paying attention to details and a tendency to make careless mistakes. Their work might be messy and seem careless.”

there’s a job in libraries that i cannot do. it is called Shelfreading, and basically, the idea is that you read the collection numbers on the shelf (that bit on the end of the spine libraries use to keep things in order) and make sure that the books are, indeed, in order.

i begin falling asleep maybe four feet into shelfreading. i literally cannot do it when i am Any degree of tired in the first place, but even when i am at my Tippity Toppity Best i’m the absolute worst at that job. it is my least favorite part of libraries-- even including the time I had to be a part of moving a library, and i wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy. 

from a list of ADD symptoms, hyperactivity: Fidget and squirm when seated.Get up frequently to walk or run around.

me. 

i can’t sit/stand still. 

from a list of ADD symptoms, hyperactivity: Always be "on the go"

when i’m not depressed, i ALWAYS need something to do. i have ‘patience’, but only if i’m doing something else in the meanwhile. 

for most of my childhood, i had drawing as a “something else”.

from a list of ADD symptoms, hyperactivity: Talk excessively

hhahhaaaahahhaha i’m so insecure about this but basically i can and often will babble on until you tell me to stop. case in point: look at how long this post is getting. i do that in speech, too

from a list of ADD symptoms, impulsivity: Impatience

fufufuuuuuuuck it me. i literally cannot play some games because of how slowly the characters walk. i will never be able to replay the older pokemon games because of this. rip me

from a list of ADD symptoms, impulsivity: Having a hard time waiting to talk or react

!!! i’ve channeled this into “interrupting folks to help them find words”!!!!!! 

from a list of ADD symptoms, impulsivity: Have a hard time waiting for their turn.

hhhhahmmmmm this might be a reason why i strongly prefer single-player sports. 

in tabletop, “waiting for my turn” doubles as “watch other people make fun things happen”. and any other time i need to wait i can usually do something else while i do so.

from a list of ADD symptoms, impulsivity: Blurt out answers before someone finishes asking them a question.

yes. but it’s kinda rare, i wonder if this is one of those semi-gendered symptoms.

but also, did you mean, “raising my hand before the professor is done with their thought”? 

from a list of ADD symptoms, impulsivity: Start conversations at inappropriate times.

hhhhaaaa i’m sure becca can attest to my inability to wait five seconds before beginnning a conversation that’s awkward while the person who reminded me of something is still around. 

something that seems like impulsivity might have a hand in:

right now, i really don’t want to be spending money. and yet??? i have like ten purchases in the past three days or so around 10 bucks a piece. for random videogames, toys, books, a tiara, a hat i found at a storage store, a couple of things i thought would make great gifts for specific folks in the future.... why tf can i not wait until i get my goddamn paycheck at the end of the week????

something else that seems like impulsivity might have a hand in:

i am a Serial Procrastinator. the only way i get things done is by procrastinating on one thing by doing something else. very few of my tasks are both Proactive and Not A Part Of Putting Off Something Else. 

from a different list of add symptoms in adults: Restlessness, Trouble Relaxing

i’ve said that i literally cannot relax. that is: actual relaxation occurs so rarely for me that i treat it more or less like a myth. 

from a different list of add symptoms in adults: Trouble Starting a Task

hey, did you know that this (in addition to being super tired) was literally what kickstarted my depression? now ya know

welp

more generally, i am a ninety-per-center. which is to say: i got a’s in school, but it wasn’t because i studied and memorized every last detail. getting 100% on anything was extremely rare for me, even though you’d think i’d have a higher chance at it with my average so high. 

i hate straight-up memorizing. i’m terrible at it. if learning only happened like that, i would be a highschool dropout. 

what i AM good at is being a magpie of knowledge. learning is legitimately a hobby for me. 

so learning MORE for me is often about contextualizing something new in terms of what i already know. 

one of my other hobbies? READING FUCKING EVERYTHIGN as a child. i read so much that my average reading-words-per-minute is 700 (w/ 100% retention-- that’s an easy reading pace for me), but i can jack it up to 1k with 80% retention. theoretically, if i could keep that up, the internet tells me i could read the entire bible in 24 hours at that rate.

my good grades also gave me a positive feedback loop: having good grades meant that teachers didn’t care if you doodled during class, and doodling during class is apparently a huge coping mechanism for ADHD/ADD.

uh. 

so. 

in researching and writing all this out.... i’ve basically convinced myself that i probably have some degree of add/adhd, but i had really good coping mechanisms that developed early. 

when some of the things i’d relied upon began falling apart, i spiralled into Depression because executive functioning is hard

oh my god now i’m taking a test and.... SHIT IT ME http://totallyadd.com/adhd-quiz-start/

ESPECIALLY 

My home or workspace is cluttered, piles everywhere.  Things have to be out where I can see them, otherwise I worry that I’ll forget about them.

When I am alone I talk out loud to myself to stay on track.  I have sticky-notes everywhere.  I’ve bought things and then realized I already owned one.

You probably don’t bounce around like a hyperactive child, but perhaps you often feel restless.  Driven.  Like there’s a dynamo inside you. Maybe you’re impatient.  On the go.  Thoughts race, sometimes tumbling, ricocheting as you pour out one idea after another.

I walk faster than others and have to wait for them.  I like to be in action, on the move.

this only applies in crowds; in other situations i’m small and can’t keep up the same with folks. But in crowds if I’m not moving forward i want to tear my hair out

I find myself stirring things up. Teasing. 

auuugh i’ve been trying so hard to stop this one because it’s often really rude and invasive but I HAVE SO MUCH TROUBLE STOPPING MYSELF

I’m drawn to one hobby or obsession after another. 

did you mean “project”? did you mean “life consuming goal projects that take ~80 hours during a month when i’m also in school full time and work part time??” 

I have more stamina and enthusiasm than anyone else if it’s something I find interesting.  I dive in whole hog, like a whirling dervish, with tons of energy.  But then suddenly crash. 

I always have lots to say, but I’m not so great at listening.  I can be an enthusiastic chatterbox who just can’t stop. If someone else tries to speak I get louder because I feel pressure to get it out. 

I am full of ideas – my mind jumps and races ahead.  I don’t sit quietly and consider, but immediately offer one idea or opinion after another. 

I may seem impatient or dominating, always adding my two cents, having to contribute my ideas… and I have lots of them. 

I’m instantly enthusiastic and interested in new challenges.  I say yes to everything, then end up overwhelmed with commitments.

HOLY FUCK

HOLY FUCKITY FUCK

I SCORED AN 18/18 ON A SCALE THAT’S MEANT TO BE 10/18 “YOU SHOULD MAYBE CHECK WITH YOUR DOCTOR”

you mean to say, i have been dealing with this all on my own, for TWENTY GODDAMNED YEARS, AND PEOPLE DIDN”T NOTICE OR CARE JUST BECAUSE I GOT A’S IN CLASS

i may be, more than a little pissed at this. hguhgugh