#oh i love when he gets to deliver his zingers

[guttersniper]

@observingly said: that’s an old person’s word. 

the interestings.

there’s a solid beat of silence. he blinks, showing eyelids purpled by spiderwebbed veins left by sleep deprivation, stress. finally: “ well. i’m talking to an old man, aren't i? “ unruly brush of singular brow rises, dryly questioning. “ know your audience, and all that. “

[piratecaptainscaptainpirates]

I do love that Izzy, before giving Ed the deathbed aplogy Ed very much deserved, did take the time to get one last dig in at Stede. "Oh, great, Bonnet's in charge, I'm fucked." One last zinger, delivered at a time when there was no way even Queen Bitch there would've been able to say a damn thing about it. Ed's in tears and upset, even Stede isn't going to start an argument right now and Izzy knows that. He decided he WOULD be getting the last word, and he took care of that before even giving Ed his apology, and honestly I do respect him a bit for that

[alienposadismo]

So I got two wack Sakamoto Days AU ideas that are stuck in my head.

Not entirely sure if they are on Ao3 yet, but still. Oh, and uh, very minor spoilers I think.

Idea 1 - The KFC AU.

What if Taro Sakamoto was the manager not of a convenience store post-retirement, but of a KFC joint?

Did I just put the SakaDays crew into my work shoes out of boredom? Partially, but hear me out.

In theory, there wouldn't be that much change from the base canon. In practice, however, there is quite the potential for some funky and funny scenarios. Think about it - in a convenience store, the average business loop is clients come, take what they want, pay at the register at leave. Meanwhile, in a KFC joint with the former hitman legend in it, you could have:

Shin managing 5 delivery orders at once along with 5 assassins at once (with Heisuke and Piisuke as the ones delivering and Shin as the one preparing for delivery)

Lu in the kitchen, cooking up both enemies and burgers

Taro stunning opponents with corncobs and catching bullets with thongs

Slur's headquarters and operations utilizing McDonalds for maximum irony

Delicious Colonel comparisons with Sakamoto's fit and stache and all

A showcase or two of what happens when there's a really annoying CIVILLIAN client

Taco Bell JCC? Burger King Order?

And those are just the examples I can think of off the top of my head. Goes to show that this idea's quite the Zinger. *ba dum tss*

Idea 2 - The Trans Aoi Sakamoto AU

What if Aoi Sakamoto was the protagonist, while ALSO formerly being the legendary hitman Taro Sakamoto?

Synopsis is simple - Taro Sakamoto remains this boogeyman, this legendary undefeated hitman atop the assassin world... and then he vanishes with no trace. Or rather, whatever traces are there lead to the Sakamoto store and the completely different-looking Aoi... who conveniently has Taro's surname. And his glasses. And his combat prowess. And the ability to bully Shin via imagine-kills. And a mysterious 1bil bounty on her head.

How does the drastic transformation work? Nagumo and his magi- I mean disguising skill! What about moments where Sakamoto slims down and goes serious? Well, you now have two levels of removed limits - disguise pop, where underneath you got the fat Taro form we know with the power boost of the disguise no longer being a priority, and slim down, where she goes REAL serious! What about Hana? Well... yeah, that one would be a bit trickier to adapt, given the biology-based gimmick of our new Sakamoto and all, but hey, Ao3 is gonna find a way! Hopefully. Either it or me. Maybe a transmasc husband could do the trick, though I am getting off-topic...

Yeah, ch.74 onwards gave me, or rather my imagination, that banger of a concept. Maybe in part cause I am also one of them trans femmes? I dunno. Point is, it rocks, go make fics and fanart based on the idea if you want to, I'll love every second of it all. Same goes for the KFC AU idea, though you can tell which one I am more passionate about...😘

OG Art I used for the Trans!Aoi edit - https://danbooru.donmai.us/posts/7466271?q=sakamoto_aoi_%28sakamoto_days%29+

(Twitter doesn't work right on my end 😔 )

Anyways, uh, hope ya had fun reading this!

[spacedlexi]

sorry for randomly dumping my headcanon here but I feel like I’m going insane and need at least one other person to hear this opinion without getting jumped (transphobia sucks) and this is related to the trans headcanon post so anon ask it is

like a week ago when I was really tired I thought about how there isn’t a lot of representation for queer POC, especially when it comes to trans people. so being Black and transmasc myself a lightbulb practically lit over my head at the chance to headcanon a well-loved Black character (Louis) as trans (and transmasc at that! always felt somewhat excluded due to most people subconsciously only viewing young, white, and/or skinny characters as transmasc) and I wrote down:

“Trans Louis… his deadname was Louise and his parents were rich enough for him to buy testosterone without anyone noticing and they chalked the changes up to puberty. Either he gradually brought more and more masculine clothes and his parents didn’t care or again he brought them without anyone noticing and brought them to Ericson’s/wore them when his parents wouldn’t notice”.

that was written somewhat un-seriously because I was tired but now my brain has latched onto transmasc Kouis and I feel like I need at least one other person to see my vision or I’ll go insane.

ALSO YOU’RE SO RIGHT ABOUT VI’S WEAPON BEING A BUTCHER’S KNIFE. didn’t get it at first but when it clicked I stared at the corner of the room like a sitcom character staring at the camera when a laugh track plays after they deliver a classic zinger.

awe 🥺 come into my open arms you are safe here. i did really like way back when the transmasc louis transfem vi headcanons were a little popular. even if i didnt necessarily share them myself (but thats mostly just bc i dont headcanon a lot. i did draw them with the trans flag tho). it was cute :') and im glad it makes you so happy!! i see your Vision anon i Get It. if he could do what he did to his parents i think he could secretly buy a whole new wardrobe if he wanted dfgsdfg

and yeah butchers knife violet just reinforcing her masc lesbian vibes for me when i Realized. like oh its intentional isnt it. theres no way that girl is fem shes just a secret softie. how am i Not supposed to think shes got some gender thing going on with those layered baggy shirts and vest that hide her frame 🤨 ??

[gffa]

Oohh, you got a lock and loaded rant about Yellowstone that you would like to share? (Mine would be a simple note that it's hard to be interested when the writers can't stop jerking their main characters off and write some actual nuanced characters with different view point that leads to interesting conflict)

OH BOY DO I. I literally had to delete it from that previous post because I was going off on the same tangent as I've been going off on for the last week, but my basic problems with Yellowstone are: - With a handful of exceptions, the characters are all becoming the unfun kind of unlikeable and I’m not sure the show knows this - Characters standing around while others deliver zingers and don’t retort back can work occasionally to show when a character is overwhelmed, but too often it’s used just to jerk off the character of the scene and after five seasons of it I’m bored - And most severely: STOP MAKING ME WANT TO DEFEND JAMIE, I DO NOT WANT TO DEFEND JAMIE Do you know how hard a show has to fuck up for me to stop liking a character like Beth?  She is my JAM, a hot mess of a lady character who has all these hard, jagged edges, who is legitimately mean and cruel at times, but there’s such worth to her, in her soul, she has her massive internal world and motivations that drive her, she’s the kind you can peel back the layers on for days and still find more to talk about!  I loved Beth so very much. But then the show took this weird turn into making Jamie the villain and, like, yeah, he’s absolutely a shit, but the refusal of the narrative to recognize the things that I have seen the other characters do to him, is driving me batshit.  John fucked that boy up!!  John swings back and forth on whether or not he even really loved Jamie, like you don’t think Jamie felt that all his life?  Beth herself even says that John made Jamie into this and made him desperately want John’s approval and John hates him for it, and it’s like yeah!!! and then the show’s tone is like, “And that’s all Jamie’s fault.” because that’s the way Beth treats him. And it’s like.  Mr. Sheridan.  I’m begging you.  When Beth says to Jamie, “You hurt people and then blame them for being hurt, that’s evil, Jamie.” she’s 100% right and I get that the characters wouldn’t get the massive hypocrisy there, but YOU THE SHOW WRITER should be getting it, but it’s nowhere in there!   Or, like, Beth has repeatedly been wrong about Jamie (he wasn’t involved in the season 3 finale’s attacks on the family, but she was sure he was, etc.) but is still treated as being insightful and dead-on about seeing into how Jamie’s just a disloyal snake who was born evil or whatever. I loved the show back in the first couple of seasons, that moment when Jamie tells her, “If hating me keeps you from hating yourself, I can live with that.” like OHHHH that was some good, complicated, tasty stuff!  But this turn into not even acknowledging how deeply John fucked Jamie up and that Beth contributed to that (there used to be brief moments of Kayce commenting that Beth had gotten too twisted up about Jamie that made me think the show was still acknowledging it, but it’s been like 2+ seasons since then, it feels like) and I’m just. I DO NOT WANT TO DEFEND JAMIE, HE IS A SHIT, but I can’t stand how the writing has taken this turn into John and Beth being not at all responsible for this shitshow and it’s ruining even all their other scenes, because the show used to be pretty good at showing that, yeah, these characters were ALL fuckups, I am totally onboard for the show about characters who are all fucking awful and they all hurt each other!  But I think the show is trying to make Jamie evil in a way that’s not being earned and it’s driving me up the WALL because, like, now I have to spend time thinking about Jamie when I could have been doing anything else.

[imaxafterlife]

""Norm, you don’t understand. I never had a problem with the jokes. I loved them. I just noticed that about six months ago you stopped doing them. You never bring O.J. up at all anymore.”

“Well, Don, that’s because a jury of his peers found Mr. Simpson not guilty of all the charges filed against him. He’s as innocent as you or me. If I was to mention O.J. at all on the telecast, it would be to deliver a profound and heartfelt apology for the cruel, racist remarks I made in my self-appointed role as judge, jury, and executioner.”

“Norm, I’ve known O.J. for many years. He’s a close friend. I visited him in prison every Monday morning, and you know how I’d greet him, Norm?”

“No, sir, I don’t.”

“I’d give him the business about this whole double-murder thing. Lay a couple of zingers on him from your Update segment. Boy, old O.J. would see red, I’m here to tell you. And the more steamed he got, the funnier it struck me.”

“Well, it’s nice to know you liked the jokes, sir.”

“Well, there’s the rub, son,” said Don. “Ever since he’s been acquitted, he and I golf over at Brentwood. We have a standing tee time every Monday at six A.M. Problem is, you’ve decided to stop doing jokes about him and I don’t have anything to zing him with. Do you follow?”

“Sir, I hope you’re not asking me to do what I think you are.”

“If you want to save your job, Norm, get back to the O.J. jokes. You promise me that and I promise that you can have Update as long as you like.”

“I don’t think I could do that, sir. What about the jury system and fair play and all that?”

“Oh, c’mon, Norm, O.J. can take a joke. They’re all meant in good fun. And I’m just a guy who works hard trying to make the TV viewers happy. Heck, the only kicks I get are when I can give my friend O. J. Simpson the business. Now, you wouldn’t want to take that away from me, would you?”

“I’ll have to think about it, sir.”

But there wasn’t a lot to think about. I flew back to New York and talked with Lori Jo, Downey, Frank, and Ross. We all agreed that what we had done to O.J. had been unconscionable. We had been mostly fueled by my lifelong institutionalized racism. Now that we’d woken up to that fact, to continue to make O.J. jokes while the real killers were at large was out of the question. And for what? So Don Ohlmeyer could get under his pal’s skin at the Brentwood Country Club? The only thing O. J. Simpson was guilty of was being the best running back in history. And while O. J. Simpson had proven himself to be the greatest rusher, I had proven myself to be the greatest rusher to judgment."

-from Norm MacDonald's memoir, "Based on a True Story"

[janelevy]

my thoughts (that nobody asked for) on the zoey’s christmas movie

what a super cute supersized zepisode!! i enjoyed it a lot. it delivered exactly the kind of cringe and laughs and tears we’ve all come to expect from this show and these characters. spoilers below the cut

the good

the songs were actually really really awesome and really well done. standouts for me were “have yourself a merry little christmas” with mitch (shot in fuzzy black and white like the old movies they’d watch together? showstopping beautiful amazing), “wish you were here” (CHILLS), “bad blood” (will never not love jane’s impeccable physical comedy), and literally everything mo sang. 

it was nice that we got to see zoey sing some heart songs! have we not been wishing for this through fanfic for ages?? it was something i was really looking forward to and i liked how they handled it.

they also didn’t shy away from putting our beloveds’ flaws on full display. FULLL display. but hey, that’s what keeps things interesting and gives characters depth! it was sweet to see zoey and max talk things out and reach an understanding with each other about why he got the powers (more on this later tho)

bernadette peters is a gift. enough said. she really helped with getting through some of the verrrry awkward moments with jack the christmas tree guy.

SIMON. confirmed bi leif!! SIMON. mckenzie and tobin!! SIMON. and mo getting his own storyline for the movie was incredible. very hard to watch at times, but WOW perry is such an amazing boyfriend and i’m so happy for them and amirah and august they’re so sweet together

oh, and the SETTINGS!! this was such a gorgeous movie all around. the bright, spacious mall. outdoors at night with lights and merry people milling about. the familiar clarke homestead. even the brief glimpse we got of sprq point (with the matching sweaters!!) was beautiful and it was so so nice to see it again. they definitely captured a great holiday-friendly vibe here and it surpassed my expectations for sure!! this made their world feel a little... i don’t know... BIGGER. lots of fun pretty settings and the gorgeous overhead shot of san fran like THANK YOU

the lines about “sweet caroline” being a Not Good song (thank youuu mo), cats eating at the dinner table (cried laughing because this is literally my grandma i shit you not), and big league chew (if ya know ya know. david had some real zingers this time around) 

the not so good

soooo. of course they can only fit so much in a couple hours, but i can’t deny that i kind of felt the absence of the coders and SIMON for most of the movie. understandably this was a clarkes-centered movie (as it should be), and understandably max will be hanging with the clarkes now (which i suppose he would be even if he and zoey were still just best friends, but i honestly can’t remember if it was mentioned on the show that he spends holidays with zoey’s family or if i read/wrote it in a fic somewhere. oh well) though it does beg the question, what about visiting his family back in new york for the holidays? not for christmas, obviously, but i was still kinda surprised we didn’t even get a mention of the richmans (?)

but anyway. god i just love simon so much and i should’ve put this up in the good section but i ADORED every second he was on screen. he knows zoey so so well and is such a wonderful friend to her and god i love him. plus, the fact that he got zoey a replacement snow globe when the old one broke and he didn’t even know it broke? AHHHH. but yeah i still wish we had more of him, though i deeply appreciate every second of him we did get.

the only debatably “weak” song, if i had to pick one, would be “call me maybe.” though it was a very amusing surprise and of course still had a gorgeous backdrop so i wasn’t mad about it. it was both interesting and frustrating to see max and zoey’s different takes on how to handle the heart song.

and on that note i might as well dive into the whole explanation for max getting the powers in the first place. (also i’m sorry but i kind of found it funny that he’s already lost them again? the timeline for this show is all kinds of wack but when all was said and done he only had them for like 2-3 weeks right? and side note: it’s been 1.5 years since zoey got her powers, i think they said? and mitch died in march 2021? idk i guess it could line up but hmmm) 

so. max and the powers. the scene where he and zoey come to a conclusion about it was very sweet, and “time after time” wasn’t half as cringey as i anticipated it to be. but, like... i’d hope that max could be a good enough partner to zoey that he wouldn’t NEED to get the powers to in order to support her? i guess for him it WAS necessary to understand what she sees/how she feels in order to be a good partner for her? i don’t think it would necessarily be that way for everybody, though, so i’m a little skeptical of the logic there. but again, this movie didn’t shy away from showing their imperfections and having them make mistakes, so hey, max is only human. i’m just the person who wrote 70k+ words of fanfic about zoey and max only to end up not being that big of a fan of them anymore. but yeah, fine, they’re cute.

(oh and i cannot believe they actually had leif say “clarkeman” whyyy)

[clumsycapitolunicorn]

I’ve finished The Nanny!

Ohmygod, I can’t believe I’ve actually finished it! The finale was beautiful! Everyone got to be happy and it also had the chaotic energy that each episode has!

•NILES AND C.C. ONCE AGAIN DANCING AND BEING THE ABSOLUTE CUTEST DOING THEIR SECOND (well third now if you think about what they were doing for weeks) FAVOURITE ACTIVITY. DANCING. AND NILES PROPOSING AND AFTER SOME DRAMA AND SOME HELP FROM ONE FRAN SHEFFIELD (FRAN HELPING NILES AND CC WHEN NILES DID EVERYTHING TO PUT HER AND MAXWELL TOGETHER IS WHY THEY HAVE THE BEST FRIENDSHIP) SHE SAID YES!!!

•OFC IT ISN’T FRAN AND CC IF THEY DON’T GET TRAPPED IN AN ELEVATOR!!! THE PURE CHAOS OF IT ALL. THESE TWO SHARING ONE BRAIN CELL (AND TWINNING WITH PREGNANCIES) WAS GOLD. AND THE FRIENDSHIP WE COULD’VE SEEN EARLIER. AND THE FUTURE FRIENDSHIP THEY WILL HAVE. C.C. GOING FROM CHECKING UP ON FRAN TO GOING BACK TO HER OWN PROBLEMS (at least she asked if she was ok first) AND FRAN GETTING HER TO UNDERSTAND NILES LOVES HER AND SHE SHOULD TAKE THE CHANCE OR SHE WON’T KNOW AND MIGHT REGRET IT. I LOVED THAT C.C.’S THOUGHTS WERE SHARED SINCE THEY WEREN’T IN DUMMIE TWINS. THE FACT IT HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH NILES BEING A BUTLER AND JUST WONDERING WHY HE WANTS TO MARRY HER. OH SWEETIE. ALSO C.C. SINGING TO TRY HELP FRAN. THE FACT IF NO ONE HAD FOUND THEM C.C. WOULD HAVE TO HAVE DELIVERED FRAN’S TWINS. LUCKILY, FRAN HAS A LOUD VOICE THAT CARRIES SO THANK YOU FRAN’S VOICE.

•CC ACCEPTING NILE’S PROPOSAL AND WITH THE POWER OF HIS LOVE FOR CC, HE OPENS THE ELEVATOR DOORS (DAMN NILES), TAKES HIS FIANCÉ’S HAND AND KISSES HER IN FRONT OF EVERYBODY WHO WERE AS HYPED AS I WAS SEEING THEM ENGAGED!!! (Lmao poor Fran) AND THE FACT HE NEVER CALLED HER C.C. EVEN THOUGH THEY WERE TOGETHER AND DOING IT THOUGH GOD HE AND MAXWELL ARE A RIGHT PAIR. (Loved Niles defending CC against Maxwell in the hospital)

•THE FACT THEY GOT ENGAGED IN SCRUBS (CC’S MADE UP VEIL THOUGH) AND MASKS. THE FACT HER NAME IS CHASTITY CLAIRE! (I mean even though the first name is certainly something and very ironic considering...you know...there is a ring to it. No wonder she went by C.C. though). NILES, THE LOVE SICK PUPPY DOESN’T GIVE AF ABOUT HER NAME AND HE DOESN’T MAKE A ZINGER ABOUT IT. WHEN IT IS RIGHT THERE.

•FRAN HAVING HER BABIES AND AND AND C.C. IS PREGNANT!!!! I MEAN THE WAY THEY WERE AT IT OFC.

•THE WAY THEY HAD TO FLASHBACK TO BABY MAGGIE AND BRIGHTON LIKE THAT.

•NILES AND CC’S LAST SCENE WITH THEM STILL BICKERING AND ZINGERS BUT LIGHT HEARTED. THEY ARE MARRIED. THEY ARE HAVING A BABY (OHMYGOD MY CHAOTIC SHIP HAVING A BABY THAT BABY IS GOING TO BE ONE SARCASTIC KID) THEY GOT TO BE HAPPY.

•THEN THE MONTAGE ENDING (well done to whoever picked out the make out for niles and cc one of their iconic moments).

This show...its been a comfort to me and I don’t think I’ve ever made so many gifs for one show before (still more to come) I LOVE IT. IT IS FUN AND CHAOTIC AND I WILL GET BACK TO IT AGAIN YOU KNOW I WILL.

[the-light-followed]

WYRD SISTERS (1988) [DISC. #6; WITCHES #2]

“‘No one would come up here this time of night.’  Magrat peered around timidly.  Here and there on the moor were huge standing stones, their origins lost in time, which were said to lead mobile and private lives of their own. She shivered.  ‘What’s to be afraid of?’ she managed.  ‘Us,’ said Granny Weatherwax, smugly.”

Rating: 6/10

Standalone Okay: Yes

Read First: Yeah!

Discworld Books Masterpost: [x]

* * * * * * * * * *

I’m just going to jump right in with this one: the best part about the Witches sub-series of the Discworld is that they are all, in their own way, stories about stories.  They’re stories that follow other stories, the tropes and archetypes and established narrative structure, but they’re also stories that subvert that structure at just the right moment to make something that feels much more truthful, and often, much more real.

Stories about stories.

This is sometimes very literal: Wyrd Sisters, for example, has very obvious Shakespearean roots, notably from Hamlet and Macbeth, and seems to gleefully delight in throwing around references—three witches meeting to cast spells, blood on the murderer’s hands that won’t wash away, the ghost of a murdered father begging his son to seek revenge, a theater called The Dysk that mimics Shakespeare’s Globe, etc., etc., etc.—that then get turned over on their heads.  We’ll see it done again with the fairy tale elements of Witches Abroad, and the Phantom of the Opera parody that is Maskerade. These books are, in a very real sense, skipping the setup and instead using cultural touchstones as framework. The books starring the witches are literally new stories being told about stories we, the audience, already know and recognize.

But sometimes it isn’t literal at all: witches, after all, work magic most often through psychology and metaphor.  “Headology,” as the witches call it, is the basis of witchcraft, and it’s all about the stories being told.  It’s in the things the witches do for respect, like their hats and black outfits and their out-of-the-way cottages they pass down from one witch to the next, or the way they bow instead of curtsey.  It’s in the things they call magic even when it isn’t, like using real herbs and medicines to cure illnesses, or waving their hands over a pot of tea and chanting nonsense before ‘reading the future’ in the leaves, all of it only for the look of the thing from the outside.

And it’s also in the things they tell themselves. For example, when Magrat’s broomstick stops working in Wyrd Sisters, she does what she calls a Change spell—which simply means that the rest of the world remains the same, but she changes the way she sees herself.  Before, she was a young woman on a broom rapidly falling out of the sky, and now she’s a confident young witch who can deal with any disaster that comes her way, so she’s therefore a lot less worried about it.  

And it works.  That’s the thing: Magrat is just fine.  Witches do magic in and on themselves, it’s all nothing more than a thought, and yet it works.

None of the Witches books are particularly subtle about the point they’re trying to make with the whole deal, either.  In Wyrd Sisters, it seems like everyone is talking about the power of words and stories, the way that the things we tell ourselves and each other can shape the reality of the world we inhabit.  There are some negatives you can pull out of that message—history is malleable and written by the victors, propaganda triumphs over the truth, etc., etc.  But there are a lot of more interesting, thought-provoking ideas to consider, instead. For example: just because narrative structure has already delivered us the broad strokes of the plot (anyone who’s studied any Shakespeare, which can reasonably be assumed to be any native English speaker older than about sixteen, can probably guess the general course of Wyrd Sisters by about page twenty), it doesn’t mean there can’t be originality and meaning in the specifics.

And that originality and meaning is what makes all the Discworld books work so well.  Pratchett is parodying, sure, but he’s also creating something very new and earnest and sincere, and that just doesn’t work if the story is an exact beat-for-beat retelling of an already-told tale.

Wyrd Sisters agrees with that idea. Destiny is all well and good—it’s nice to think that what’s to come is pre-planned, easy to predict, and impossible to subvert—but the world just doesn’t work like that.  The story isn’t plotted out in advance.

As Pratchett says later in the book: “Destiny was funny stuff…You couldn’t trust it.  Often you couldn’t even see it.  Just when you knew you had it cornered, it turned out to be something else—coincidence, maybe, or providence.  You barred the door against it, and it was standing behind you.  Then just when you thought you had it nailed down it walked away with the hammer.”

The witches certainly don’t truck with destiny.  Or, well, it may be a tool in their storytelling arsenal, but they don’t see it as a concrete thing.  Destiny is what you make of it, and Granny and Nanny are movers and shakers.  That makes it especially ironic that the book is called Wyrd Sisters—the word “wyrd” is an old Anglo-Saxon concept referring to fate or personal destiny, so the “wyrd sisters” themselves typically would be the three Fates, a la Greek mythology, rather than three women who tend to grab Fate and Destiny by the ears and twist until they decide to agree that the witches have the right of it.

Honestly, though, if Granny Weatherwax looked at me like that, I’d do whatever she wanted, too.

I just want to bring up something I really like about Pratchett’s writing style: despite the fantastical setting, despite how far from reality he can get, he’s not afraid to switch to Roundworld concepts or just flat-out break the fourth wall in exchange for better, more impactful descriptions.  I like to call this cinematic writing, and sometimes that’s actually very literal. There are quite a few passages in various Discworld books where he starts to write in an almost movie-script style.  After Moving Pictures, which is still a good four books away at this point, I think that becomes less notable.  Here, and in the previous few Discworld books (Mort, Sourcery, Equal Rites), when Discworld does not have any parallel equivalent to Roundworld’s Hollywood, it’s pretty damn unusual for an author to just outright throw aside their own fantasy setting to make a description in real-world terms.

My favorite example of this from Wyrd Sisters:

“It is almost impossible to convey the sudden passage of fifteen years and two months in words.  It’s a lot easier in pictures, when you just use a calendar with lots of pages blowing off, or a clock with hands moving faster and faster until they blur, or trees bursting into blossom and fruiting in a matter of seconds… Well, you know.  Or the sun becomes a fiery streak across the sky, and days and nights flicker past jerkily like a bad zoetrope, and the fashions visible in the clothes shop across the road whip on and off faster than a lunchtime stripper with five pubs to do. There are any amount of ways, but they won’t be required because, in fact, none of this happened.”

You can practically imagine the way that scene would look in a blockbuster movie, and it’s wonderful that Pratchett describes it crystal clear just to let us know that it is not, in fact, how it looked at all.

There’s a lot more to like about Wyrd Sisters, too, for all that it isn’t one of my favorite Discworld books.  It’s a far better introduction to the witches—specifically Granny Weatherwax—than Equal Rites is, even though Equal Rites is technically the first book in the Witches sub-series.  It introduces some characters we’ll see a lot more of later, like King Verence and the greater Ogg family, but also characters that will go on to become staples of the Discworld, like Nanny Ogg and Magrat.  We also have some lovely cameos from already established characters: notably Death and his interactions during the play at the castle, but there are some good Ankh-Morpork moments, like the Librarian’s appearance at a barfight.

And we get to see the good old Discworld humor really click—it’s all about that balance between absurdism and realism, or between established tropes and self-awareness.  One of my favorite examples of this comes right at the beginning of the book:

“As the cauldron bubbled an eldritch voice shrieked: ‘When shall we three meet again?’  There was a pause.  Finally another voice said, in far more ordinary tones: ‘Well, I can do next Tuesday.’”

Pratchett’s really got a sense for it by this point, and he can deliver zinger after unexpectedly delightful zinger.  Discworld books are always beautifully funny, of course, even though after a while you really get a feel for when a good joke is coming.  Some people might think that knowing the punchline is coming might make it less funny: it absolutely does not.  All it does is make the unexpected, sneaky moments—when the humor Pratchett has been secretly setting up for ages finally creeps up to smack you in the face—hit harder.  Maybe others disagree, but I can read Discworld novels again and again, and they always get me just as much as they did the first time through.  In my opinion, that’s real comedic talent.

Up next in the series we have Pyramids, our first unconnected one-off story, which is wonderfully weird even for a Discworld book!  Stay tuned!

* * * * * * * * * *

Side Notes:

Every time that oh-so popular Ankh-Morporkian dive bar, the Drum, pops up, it’s fun to note where it’s at these days: Mended Drum, Broken Drum, etc.  In Wyrd Sisters, Tomjon and Hwel go drinking in the Mended Drum.

There are several adaptations of Wyrd Sisters, including a 4-part BBC radio show, an animated film, and a stageplay.

As I go over my highlighted quotes and annotations from each book, putting these posts together, I learn more and more about myself.  What I like, what I find funny, what I care to notice.  For example, Vetinari shows up exactly ONCE in this book, and just in a footnote, and yet I still highlighted it and wrote a note next to it that contained mostly exclamation points.  There’s no real point to this; I just want everyone to know how much I love Vetinari.

Favorite Quotes:

“As the cauldron bubbled an eldritch voice shrieked: ‘When shall we three meet again?’ There was a pause.  Finally another voice said, in far more ordinary tones: ‘Well, I can do next Tuesday.’”

“Witches are not by nature gregarious, at least with other witches, and they certainly don’t have leaders.  Granny Weatherwax was the most highly-regarded of the leaders they didn’t have.”

“Now, just when a body would have been useful, it had let him down.  Or out.”

“‘No one would come up here this time of night.’ Magrat peered around timidly.  Here and there on the moor were huge standing stones, their origins lost in time, which were said to lead mobile and private lives of their own.  She shivered.  ‘What’s to be afraid of?’ she managed.  ‘Us,’ said Granny Weatherwax, smugly.”

“‘How many times have you thrown a magic ring into the deepest depths of the ocean and then, when you get home and have a nice bit of turbot for your tea, there it is?’ They considered this in silence. ‘Never,’ said Granny irritably. ‘And nor have you.’”

“His body was standing to attention.  Despite all his efforts his stomach stood at ease.”

“Back down on the plains, when you kicked people they kicked back.  Up here, when you kicked people they moved away and just waited patiently for your leg to fall off.”

“The Ogg grandchildren were encouraged to believe that monsters from the dawn of time dwelt in its depths, since Nanny believed that a bit of thrilling and pointless terror was an essential ingredient of the magic of childhood.”

“She gave the guards a nod as she went through.  It didn’t occur to either of them to stop her because witches, like beekeepers and big gorillas, went where they liked.  In any case, an elderly lady banging a bowl with a spoon was probably not the spearhead of an invasion force.”

“‘You’re wondering whether I really would cut your throat,’ panted Magrat.  ‘I don’t know either.  Think of the fun we could have together, finding out.’”

“Wizards assassinated each other in drafty corridors, witches just cut one another dead in the street.  And they were all as self-centered as a spinning top.  Even when they help other people, she thought, they’re secretly doing it for themselves.  Honestly, they’re just like big children.  Except for me, she thought smugly.”

“‘Man just went past with a cat on his head,’ one of them remarked, after a minute or two’s reflection.  ‘See who it was?’  ‘The Fool, I think.’  There was a thoughtful pause.  The second guard shifted his grip on his halberd.  ‘It’s a rotten job,’ he said.  ‘But I suppose someone’s got to do it.’”

“Granny’s implicit belief that everything should get out of her way extended to other witches, very tall trees and, on occasion, mountains.”

“Only in our dreams are we free.  The rest of the time we need wages.”

“Words were indeed insubstantial.  They were as soft as water, but they were also as powerful as water and now they were rushing over the audience, eroding the levees of veracity, and carrying away the past.”

“‘Witches just aren’t like that,’ said Magrat.  ‘We live in harmony with the great cycles of Nature, and do no harm to anyone, and it’s wicked of them to say we don’t.  We ought to fill their bones with hot lead.’”

“‘I shall haunt their corridors,’ he said, ‘and whisper under the doors on still nights.’ His voice grew fainter, almost lost in the ceaseless roar of the river.  ‘I shall make basket chairs creak most alarmingly, just you wait and see.’ Death grinned at him.  NOW YOU’RE TALKING.”

[lit--bitch]

Current-Reads (20/04/2020 - 26/04/2020) 🍓🐢

(Disclosure: I don’t know anybody I’ve been currently reading this week. 😊)

Adding the preface again here: every Sunday without fail I throw up the freshest literature and photography I’ve read over the week, sometimes it’s a book, sometimes it’s a piece I saw in a magazine or an online zine, sometimes it’s something I saw on social media, etc. Sometimes I add ‘RECOMMEND’ next to a few of the titles, but that’s not to say I don’t recommend all of them, I just love some pieces more than others. Not everything will be everybody’s cup of tea, yanno, c’est la vie. And any titles that you see in bold are hyperlinked so if you click or tap them they’ll direct you straight to the source… or shopping basket. 

This week I’m gonna throw in a red herring and tell you about something I’ve been watching as well as what I’ve been reading, because I think it’s really cool and definitely appropriate for the age we’re living in at the moment. 

So I’ve been reading: Susan Sontag’s As Consciousness is Harnessed to Flesh (Diaries 1964—1980) which was edited by her son, David. I also read an interview on Granta from March between Rachel Long and Morgan Parker. I’ve also tucked into a couple pieces on Fence, Lexi Welch’s ‘Astroturf’ and Anthony Michael Morena’s ‘The Whale’. I also saw Cecelia Knapp’s poem in Bath Magg Issue Three (but the whole issue is an absolute smacker, it’s great). Last but not least, I’m up to episode 5 of a brand new thing called The Midnight Gospel. It is crazy good. And it’s on Netflix right now. 

***

Cecilia Knapp, ‘I Used To Eat KFC Zingers Without Hating Myself’, Bath Magg Issue #3: I really loved the whole of Issue Three, I guess I was quite struck by this particular poem for its “staccato-ness”. This poem is buttered with present-day references. But they’re not necessarily about creating a familiar environment. Rather the object of familiarity is found within the assemblage of places, snacks and thoughts, all of which compound the grief ‘I’ is experiencing. The ‘I’ ruminates on life’s banality and their personal insecurities in living banality: ‘I need a thigh gap. I use emojis / to avoid conflict. Worry I’m a gentrifier. Watch docs about murdered women’. The vapidity is funny. The pain is not. The insecurities deepen. Your body, your life, continues the ache of day-to-day routine, and finds no resolution in the things which may or may not stand to comfort oneself when ravaged by loss. The poem feels quite loose, and disinterested. It’s a sore poem, but its array of references make it colourful. It sort of reminded me of Édouard Levé’s work a little bit? But if Édouard Levé had been a pop culture fanatic chewing HubbaBubba bubblegum on the London Overground.  Bath Magg is a pretty exciting new magazine, (been around just under a year I think?) and they’ve published a lot of great writers, many of whom are emerging and I’ve spotted some quite established peple in there too. Kudos to their rubber ducky logo. It’s run by Mariah Whelan and Joe Carrick-Varty. 

In Conversation with Morgan Parker and Rachel Long, Granta Magazine: I deeply love Morgan Parker’s work, she’s, in my opinion, the master of titles. I can’t think of anybody who titles their work as well as Morgan Parker does. And I love the depth of honesty and charisma in this interview. Like yeah, it appears to be a generic Q/A but, it genuinely feels like a conversation, and it’s welcoming and unpretentious. Rachel Long asks some penetrating questions, and Morgan’s answers are so detailed and self-aware. Most of the discussion revolves around the action of writing poetry in general and where does that impulse arise from, but they do discuss Morgan’s latest collection Magical Negro which came out February last year. It’s a narrative on black womanhood, on micro-aggressions and reoccuring violence, it’s about breaking down white perceptions of blackness, and dissolving those projections. What I love about Morgan Parker is she’s tackling this fucking idiot thing where (mostly) white people think she’s attempting to represent all black women in her writing, which is, by Morgan’s own admission, impossible. Her work is a duty to herself, to the background she’s lived and lives, and to unpack that discourse in her own way. And if it resonates, then great! I felt all this was inherent in the interview and only adds to my respect for her, and to Rachel for being such an attentive interviewer. BTW Rachel Long has a debut collection coming out this July, My Darling from the Lions.

Anthony Michael Morena, ‘The Whale’, Fence Portal (Streaming) (RECOMMEND): I can’t tell you how much I adored this beautiful mass of whale and word. It’s an essay which references the American Natural History Museum’s Blue Whale model. The writing is thick with feeling and fat with concern. It blends monologue, memoir. It’s non-fiction and documentary. It’s elusive, enigmatic, fragmented. It’s like broken biscuits and blubber. To me it felt like a note on the offences of climate change, the emotional response and grief as we bystand erosion and corrosion, the loss of life, and the urge to merge something back together as it dissolves and fragments before our eyes. It’s as personal as it is public. A gorgeous and complex piece.

Susan Sontag’s As Consciousness is Harnessed to Flesh (Diaries 1964—1980) (RECOMMEND): I felt so afflicted reading Susan Sontag’s diaries, because y’know, it’s the equivalent of invading an Ancient Egyptian pharaoh’s tomb. Like, leave people alone. At the same like, this woman. These diaries are still shaping me, and each section leaves you with the weirdest aftertaste. Her personality permeates through every detail, every line-break, every reference and articulation of feeling. You learn so much, you gain so much from her perceptions and observations. How do I contain Susan Sontag? How do I describe these diaries? Not at all. Just buy it. 

Lexi Welch’s ‘Astroturf’, Fence Portal (Streaming) (RECOMMEND): My eyes locked onto this piece and just didn’t really stop reading. Lexi’s voice is enamouring and hypnotic. It’s so violent too. You’re lunged into friction burns and sports injuries, time and progression, the tensions between collectivity and individuality, family and sexuality, or as Fence put it, ‘lesbian eros’. This piece felt acidic. At times you can’t tell if the ‘I’ is indifferent or hurting to the point of numbness. It straddles so many different thematics, and breaks down a lot of conventions pertaining to the “ideal experience” of family relationships and team work. The resolution seems to be that in spite of people, our collectivity is defined by our collective solitude. This essay kicked me around a football field. It takes a good few repeated reads to appreciate its kaleidoscopic shifting, but it’s definitely one of my favourites.

The Midnight Gospel, from Pendleton Ward and Duncan Trussell, Netflix: (RECOMMEND) So the other day my friend Ben linked this to me and I had seen the trailer ages back and thought “Oh yeah I really wanna watch that”, but just forgot. After his reminder, I started watching it and ever since I’ve been saying to loads of other friends “Have you watched ‘The Midnight Gospel’ on Netflix?” because I’m d y i n g  to talk about it with everybody. 

I literally can’t categorise this “TV show” to you. It’s like if animation had a baby with a philosophy podcast and then put that baby onto an IV drip of psychedelics. It’s this swarm of different stimuli which you kind have to zone in on and absorb individually and yet somehow collectively. 

So like, “Clancy” is a spacecaster who sets up “spacecasts” (podcasts) with creatures from other simulated worlds and he interviews them. But when Clancy transports himself into these worlds, it’s not like they’re sat down on some cream sofa with two glasses of water like it’s animated Oprah. No, his interviewees are like in the middle of fighting off a zombie apocalypse or meditating on a mountain or trying to find and save their lost lover. And Clancy just joins them on the journey and interviews them about their “specialism”. These are real people that are being interviewed like, the first episode is with Dr. Drew Pinker. And when you’re watching it, you think that the animation is totally separate to the conversation exchange the characters are having, but that’s not true. They have intersections, they have meaning. It only becomes obvious that it has meaning right at the end of each episode, but if you lock on you’ll see it’s all relevant throughout. 

One of my friends was like “Oh I might stick that on tonight and have a joint” and I was like, don’t fucking get high when you’re watching this because it’s already intense enough as it is, like you know that Pendleton Ward and Duncan Trussell have felt some real shit to create this absolute rare jewel. In my opinion, you don’t need cannabis to appreciate these discussions. But if you wanna do it, then hey it’s a “free country”. And it’s not as though there’s a serious, central core plot like there is with Rick & Morty, I mean there is a kind of overarching plot but it’s not always integral. Like ultimately we’re invested in Clancy’s story but also all the stories of all the other people that come his way. There’s multiple plots, there’s multiple dimensions and ways of seeing. It’s a programme which delivers on multiplicity, which manifests itself in everything and everyone we see and know and touch and hear, etc, etc. 

This production articulates some of the revelations that psychedelics can give you. Psychedelics don’t make you see the world literally like these animations do, but the sensations of the animation are reminiscent of an acid trip’s oscillating moods and sensitivities. It’s really cool, and it’s very poignant, and it’s my new favourite show to watch. And what’s so great about it is that, it requires multiple watches in order to really absorb everything in its entirety, so it’s a series you can just keep going back to even after you’ve seen them all. It’s re-watchable. Just fundamental goodness all round. Best way to indulge in it is with ice cream. 🍨

***

So that’s it for this week, next Friday’s review is Annie Ernaux’s A Girl’s Story translated by Alison L. Strayer, published with Fitzcarraldo Editions. 

Stay safe and well as always, my little caramels. 💁🏽

[littlewalken]

Spider-Man x Deadpool story starter

I start it, you finish it

Contains a hint of lemon

Spider-Man + Deadpool

“PNDB”

This wasn’t supposed to happen.

Deadpool had to be smiling underneath his mask. He stood at the podium twiddling his thumbs, waiting. Peter Parker lifted his camera to his face and took a picture. There was still a good couple of minutes to stop this.

Being “the local leader” J3 Communications had been steadily building its footing with it’s independent television empire, and part of that included a local UHF channel which allowed anyone their fifteen minutes of public discourse-as long as it didn’t incite hatred, violence, or break any other FCC laws. 

So today it was the turn of the masked vigilante Deadpool to make his choice of chairs, tables, podiums, and fake plants and take to live air with a 90 delay. He had even left his weapons at security to show how serious he was about things. And he had to be serious because he hadn’t cracked a single joke. Well, he had, but they weren’t the zingers he was known for.

Even if Peter wasn’t the staff photographer required to get a few shots of everyone who appeared he would have been there n one form or another. Spider-Man’s presence might have set Deadpool off. At least he didn’t know who it was under the mask.

When it was time Deadpool took a deep a deep breath, “Ladies, gentlemen, and everyone in between and not. Fifteen years ago, last Valentine’s Day, that night exactly, I took your mother to pound town. Being the stupid idiots we were, we placed you for adoption in what was hopefully a loving family and not a Dickensian orphanage.

“Every Father’s Day that goes by, every Christmas, every one of your birthdays, I think about you,” Deadpool wiped a tear from his mask. “I think about all the things I’ve missed out on, teaching you to ride a bicycle, teaching you how to lob grenades, and all that macaroni art!

“So, if you’re the fruit of my loins please come to meet me this Saturday at noon on Fog Hill. And remember to spay and neuter your pets and strange relatives!” 

With that Deadpool left the podium. The control room would repeat his message two more times and pad the rest of the time with PSAs. 

“Hey! Shutterbug! I’m ready for my close-up!”

Peter knew better than to look through the view finder as sure enough, Deadpool had bent over and was mooning the camera with his bare ass. 

“Think I should have invited mom to come along too?” Deadpool wondered aloud. “Naw, she’ll probably hear about this any way.”

“Are you really looking for a child you gave up for adoption?” Asked an intern who was still fresh to the world.

“Nope, sorry, too old,” Deadpool dismissed them. 

“That’s front page…” 

“Nope nope nope,” Deadpool teased. “I doubt Babypool would read it anyway. I can see them now, one of those sword carrying Fedora tipping pony pokers, pajama wearing cat hoarding, do you think they’re in a relationship with a waifu pillow or a cardboard cut out? What if they’re normal? OMFG my child could be an accountant!”

This wasn’t supposed to happen.

Peter Parker found his mind sent back in time, back to the April Fool’s Day after the Valentine’s Day Deadpool had spoken of. The day he had to make many adult decisions as the result of an adult choice he had made about six weeks previously. He would have to tell other people. 

Ned Leeds approached with a triumphant grin on his face as he held up his prize-a bag from a high priced jewelry store, even though it only had one handle and a mysterious stain. 

“Thanks, buddy,” Peter said as he took the bag and put it in his backpack.

“What do you need it for?” Ned asked in anticipation of being part of a great practical joke.

“Something… Something that I don’t think is that funny any more.” 

Ned could sense something wasn’t right with Peter. “Okay, but if it gets funny again please let me know. Or video it, okay?”

“You’ll know, everyone will know,” Peter said quietly. He could get one at the nurse’s office, she’d give him a pass for gym too. I’ll have to tell Mr Stark I can’t web sling for awhile. I’ll have to tell him. I’ll have to tell Aunt May.

Not wanting to tip anyone off Peter did his best to look green as he headed for the nurse’s office. The kid coming out made a comment asking if Peter had eaten a certain something at lunch too and he nodded. There were a few other queasy looking kids there. 

He had to write his request to the nurse on a note because he couldn’t dare say it aloud. Not that he didn’t already know. He just wanted a second opinion to know the first one was wrong.

It wasn’t wrong. 

And so, only a few months into being 18 and an adult, he had to figure out how to make it right. 

***

There was some stupid musical that had a song about taking away all the trappings of a magical evening and seeing things for what they really were in the daylight, and he was quite sure Joey McIntyre was involved with it. 

Deadpool had positioned himself on the roof of the park bathrooms in what he was sure was a sensual pose. After all the last time he and Spider-Man had been here things had gotten rather passionate. The poor kid had blubbered about his horrible Valentine’s Day, no tuxes left to rent in his size, melted chocolates, abandoned by his date, not wanting to intrude on friends who had gone off with theirs. 

It had taken longer to get through all the discouragement and consent then it took for the somewhat awkward masked sex. Please tell me there was at least one back of the car my parents are out for the evening something before this. 

“Couldn’t stay away, huh?” Deadpool asked when he thought he saw something moving on the roof. He’d already told two raccoons and what he hoped was a pigeon. 

This time it was a person dressed in a Spider-Man costume and holding a gift bag. 

“I got you something.”

“A present! For me!” Deadpool squealed as he hopped to his feet. “Oh, you shouldn’t have! What on earth could it be?”

Spider-Man held out the bag but he didn’t budge. Something was wrong.

“Is it a bomb, please tell me one of my arc enemies has forced you in to delivering a bomb to me or they’ll kill your parents!” 

Even that failed to get a reaction from Spider-Man. 

“Thank you,” Deadpool said as he took the bag. He looked inside, took out the object, turned it a bit to catch the yellow security light. “You Bedazzled it and everything.”

“I thought you’d find that funny,” Spider-Man said quietly.

“I love it,” Deadpool said in a soft tone. 

There was a silence waiting for the other to laugh and break the tension. 

“Do you think unplanned parenthood is still open?” Deadpool finally asked.

“It’s called Planned Parenthood,” Spider-Man said.

“I don’t think so, we definitely didn’t plan this. 

***

“Is it Ned?”

“It’s not Ned.”

“Is it Flash Thompson?”

“It’s no one from school.”

“Is it Tony Stark?”

“No.”

“Is it Dr Banner.”

“It isn’t an Avenger.”

“So it was someone worth laying down with but not worth bringing home and introducing to me.” Aunt May returned to her larb. Of course she’d find the box to the home pregnancy test Peter had taken. He should have thrown it out at school but the positive result had shocked the sense out of him. 

“We kept our masks on,” Peter admitted. “He’s never asked who I am.”

Clunk, May’s fork hit the floor. The waiter brought her a new one. 

“I was going to take a gap year any way,” Peter said, the waiter still being close enough to possibly hear. 

“Are you going to keep it?”

“I don’t know.”

***

Tony Stark was taking the news harder than Aunt May did. He got up from behind his desk and marched to be face to face with Deadpool.

“Hey hey hey, he told me he was 42!” Deadpool joked. 

“Spider-Man,” Tony heavily emphasized the second word. “Can make his own choices. I just want to make sure that you…”

“Have already told my amazing baby mama that I will support him in what ever choices he makes with our prom night dumpster baby because it’s his body!” Deadpool snapped. 

“Halloween,” Spider-Man said. “That’s about when it’s due.”

“My bad math,” Deadpool said. 

Tony Stark still looked mad. 

***

Peter Parker looked at his phone, he was purposefully ignoring all of Tony Stark’s messages. All these years later, even after arranging the adoption, the subject of the Spider-Pool baby still pissed him off. He looked around at everyone who had gathered at Fog Hill in Central Park like Deadpool had asked and quite a few of them looked way to old. 

It was hard to pay attention to everything in general with the crowd, even Peter’s Spider-sense seemed to be going a bit crazy trying to sort its self out. When Deadpool finally arrived the crowd went wild. He climbed up on a rock and scanned the crowd.

Looking for a better line of sight the spider part of Peter’s brain directed him to a near by jungle gym. A couple of people who had been sitting there had gotten off to get closer to Deadpool but one kid remained. They were wearing a grey hoodie with goat ears and well worn sneakers. 

“Hey,” Peter said.

“Hey,” goat hoodie replied. 

His spider sense had never felt this way before. 

***

“It’s always fun and games until someone loses an eye.”

Spider-Man just shook his head. He had climbed up the sky scraper to think and Deadpool had followed.

“Do you think Tony Stark will tell you who it is?”

Spider-Man shook his head. 

“Because if either of our identities are compromised the bad guys could go after our kid and learn the identity of the other and all hell would break loose?”

Spider-Man nodded.

“Do you think our kid was even there?” Deadpool asked.

“Yes.”

[kasienda]

Since I'm just getting to your new fic, how about Chibiusa for the character ask?

Why I like them: She’s fiercely independent! She’s adorably sweet even though she tries to act tough. And of course, she’s resilient! This girl has gone through a lot of trauma, for which she unjustly blames herself for, and it’s easy for me to love her for that reason alone. Because she needs it! I also believe she’s a brilliant combination of Usagi and Mamoru both. Where she has Usagi’s compassion and desire to make others happy, but tries to muster up all the dignity and propriety that Mamoru can bring to bear. She’s been isolated and is afraid of being alone (just like him) with some abandonment issues there, and she is a bit of a crybaby that embodies Usagi’s go to coping mechanisms. Why I don’t: Chibiusa was not a character that I connected to strongly as a pre-teen and I never obsessed over her, but I never actually disliked her. Her story arc and behavior in both the 90s anime and in Crystal always made sense to me. And now, that I’m trying to write a story where she features prominently, I feel like I’m appreciating her more and more! Favorite episode/scene: In the 90s anime, I loved the moment where she was holding Mamoru’s hand when Usagi was walking beside them, and she just reached up to hold Usagi’s hand as well. She didn’t think about it because it was the most natural thing in the world. Sure, it dissolved a few minutes later, but in that moment it was just too cute! In Crystal, I loved the moment where she tried to give the Tuxedo Mask doll to Usagi to cheer her up. I was SO ANGRY with Usagi for not understanding immediately that this is what this precious child was trying to do! I also took absolute delight in the Crystal episode where she’s out in the rain, and she’s lonely so she tries to conjure fun with the Abbra Cadabbra! There was like magic and confetti, and the other little girl was pointing to her. “Look!” The mother, who hadn’t seen any of it, just pulled the child along. And then Chibiusa just wilted. It was cute and funny and in the end, so very sad.

Favorite Season: I think Black Moon is definitely Chibiusa’s most interesting and developed character arc. I don’t know that its my favorite season, but my favorite season for Chibiusa. It really explores her character from lots of different angles. I’m going to try to flesh it out further myself in Coming of Age. (Chapter 2 might even come out soon!). Favorite line: I can’t think of an exact quote at the moment. But she sure delivers some zingers. And I just appreciate the sass. And the moments when she is being genuine and sweet. Favorite outfit: I don’t know, but I have discovered, in looking for inspiration for the story, that there is some gorgeous fan art of this girl out there! Here’s an outfit that I don’t think is canon, but is adorable.

OTP: Helios. I don’t obsess over it though, as it isn’t very developed in canon or in my head.BrOTP: Setsuna and probably Hotaru too. I feel like Chibiusa is to Hotaru what Pluto is to Chibiusa. Growing up Chibiusa is portrayed as isolated and bullied. Pluto was her one true friend! Similarly, Hotaru is locked away in some lab, and Chibiusa becomes her one friend. Lonely souls all of them, that find comfort in one another. Head canon: I guess the setup of my story is that Chibiusa was sent back into the past so that she could grow up finally! She deserves to grow up! Being trapped in a body and mind that doesn’t grow or mature is a sentence to stagnation and decay. And I don’t want that for her! Unpopular opinion: That I like her in all versions? Even the 90s anime! Apparently, no one in the West agrees (she was actually one of the most popular characters in Japan in the 90s). In all the reviews I have received in my story so far about HALF have made some comment of “I hate the pink spore” or “Please make Chibiusa likeable instead of bratty”. It’s actually a joke to me now! A wish - that she gets to grow up with a happy family in a somewhat normal life. And maybe hopefully, I can redeem this character in my story. That others will come to appreciate and love her. 

Oh god please don’t ever happen: I have issue with the canon’s portrayal of the Chibiusa/Mamoru pairing! In general, Usagi’s jealousy over Mamoru’s affection towards this child confused me. Might she feel neglected as his attention is suddenly divided? Yes! But worried that he’s romantically in love with her? Especially as a seven year old?! Weird!! And that Black Lady pursues this too? Even more weird!! And despite that, my physics brain immediately simply jumps to the “You know, if you win him over, you cease to exist right?” I just don’t understand this theme at all! Five words: Resilient, sweet, sassy, fierce, vulnerable, needs to be loved! Nicknames: In my notes to myself I tend to write Chibs. I’ve been having Pluto call her Sweetling. And reviewers have told me I cannot refer to her as “child”. That apparently, is too impersonal. (Though I think they just can’t hear my tone of voice! Haha!). 

[kyulilitanako]

How I fixed “The Emoji Movie”

(inside my head, without actually having seen it, or "Wreck-It Ralph," or "Inside Out," or "The Lego Movie," I seriously need to get out more, although I did see "The Lego Batman Movie" and that was pretty cool.  ♪ Friends are Family ♪ )

So, if I was the Queen of Hollywood, this is what I’d do.  Let us begin.

1. A little product placement is not a sin, but full-blown product immersion is both a sin and a crime, and in a world run by evil geniuses, the guilty would be stripped naked, wrapped several times around in succulent vines and acacia leaves, and dangled upside-down from a crane just inside the giraffe paddock at the zoo during feeding time.  More on this later.

2. Gene's new problem is that he desperately wants to help Alex take a shot at true love with Addie, because he's a romantic at heart, but fears he will never have the opportunity to do so, since kids...probably don't send a "Meh" to their crush to demonstrate their affection.  At least I don’t think they do.  But anyway.  Gene feels the pang of unfulfilled dreams because he thinks (based on what other emojis say) that humans ONLY interact through their phones.  We’ll fix this.

3. Jailbreak doesn't reject being a princess, she just wants being a princess to mean something more than a pretty dress and sparkly crown. She wants to do something heroic because she understands girls can lift themselves up without pushing approximately half the population down, and that you can be pro-woman without being anti-man. (Source: am girl.)

4. Hi-5 has been reduced from sidekick to running gag, showing up only occasionally to deliver a zinger and then disappear again for awhile.

5. Alex gets more screen time, often while he uses his phone to record a vlog about Addie, the Girl of His Dreams, but he never plucks up the courage to post it to...wherever, and always saves it to "Draft." But Gene watches these videos religiously, becoming more and more determined to bring the two of them together, somehow. Vive l’amour!

6. Smiler doesn't persecute Gene for being a multi-faceted misfit, she gleefully attempts to exact justice because Gene now exploits Jailbreak's mad hacker skillz to send cryptic, Cyrano de Bergerac-esque messages to Addie's phone, pretending to be Alex. See, the world can never know that phones have tiny sentient entities inside them, running around having coherent thoughts (ohai, Skynet!), therefore Smiler believes whatever fate she calls down upon Gene is justified, and...y'know...once in awhile, the villain has a point.  Crazy, I know.

7. Some of the rounder emojis have bodies now! I mean...Jailbreak already had a small one, because she's wearing a skirt (that's a skirt, right?), so why not put a little meat on ALL of their bones so they don't look like ping pong balls on sticks? Then Jailbreak can slap a sparkly pink crown sticker on her cargo pants and say, "This is my princess dress."

8. Jokes.  There should be some!  Low-hanging fruit should be kept to a minimum, with no more than three (3) instances of scatological humor throughout the picture.  Sorry, Mr. Poop.

9. And about that Poop emoji.  In my version, he is now a mentor who shows up about an hour in, to reveal to Gene the myriad ways in which humans communicate, and to encourage Jailbreak to forge her own path to princesshood through valiant deeds, all while delivering a powerful message about transcending one’s limits, as he must have done himself to become such a wise oracle despite starting his digital life as a neatly-coiled pile of excrement.  I would gladly have Sir Patrick Stewart voice my headcanon Poop emoji, even knowing that he probably thoroughly enjoyed doing the job he’s already done.  To each his own.  Moving on.

10. Gene’s parents have a little less screen time now, and instead of debating what kind of “Meh” their darling boy will make, they can just do a bit about the red-hot passion of their marriage, but in the same monotone voices.  It’ll work.

11. Instead of old school emoticons being “the elderly,” maybe they’re just a bit older than other residents of Textopolis, and not totally decrepit, shouting “Ow, my colon!” when someone bumps into them. Seriously, old people don’t say that.  You generally cannot feel your colon.  Maybe they walk into the McCafé app and get a free senior’s coffee instead.  That’s plenty.

12. Back to the product placement.  If you’re gonna have your main characters running through apps, the goal is to do something clever with it, which is the opposite of what I gather has already happened.  So, you’re running from some bad robots, and you run into the Facebook app.  Can you rip elements off the phone’s screen and use them as weapons?  Rip off a “Like” button and hold it up as a shield?  Would the “Like” button then disappear as Alex was about to tap it?  Was this possibility even explored?  You remember those animations of the stickman who runs amok all over the UI and does battle with the user by attacking the cursor?  That shit was awesome.  Let’s do some of that.

13.  Instead of trying to get to Dropbox so they can alter their own source code..........? (LOL THEY DON’T KNOW HOW TO COMPUTER)  Instead of that, Gene and Jailbreak go to the Cloud so they can infiltrate Addie’s phone and deliver proof of Alex’s ardor “in person.”  If we absolutely must visit Candy Crush, maybe they flip over a bunch of red jellybeans in the shape of a heart, or...something.  Maybe they could meet their Meh and Princess counterparts over there, and maybe they’re hilariously different.  Or something.

14. Once that happens, though, Smiler is going to go into absolute panic mode, and probably send a whole army of robo-meanies to all sorts of different phones trying to track them down.  As the virus of her own making spreads, chasing the virus of her worst fears, she resolves that she will use her bots to wipe every phone within her reach rather than let the secret of living emojis be discovered.  We’re already suspending ten kinds of disbelief to get this far, so expanding Smiler’s powers might not be terribad.

15.  Meanwhile, Gene and Jailbreak, while trolling around inside Addie’s phone, learn that she’s leaving with her family for the whole summer (maybe going to the cottage?  around here folks love going to the cottage, it’s the summer thing to do), and if Alex doesn’t make his move soon, he could lose her.  Oh noes!

16.  Home stretch now.  Gene realizes, after all his efforts, the best way Alex can tell Addie how he feels is with his own words, and fortunately, Gene knows where to find some of them!  With Jailbreak’s help, he transfers a copy of Alex’s unposted vlog to Addie’s phone, where she stumbles across it and plays it.  Now...if this happened in real life, it’d be some pretty serious stalker stuff, but again, we’re suspending fair amounts of disbelief already.  Did the actual movie establish Addie crushing on Alex at all before the end?  Well, whatever.  Maybe if his vlog is sensitive and heartfelt enough, she might not feel too creeped-on.

17. Which brings us to the big action finish.  Working in tandem with someone still back on Alex’s phone (idgaf, pick someone at random.  It can be Hi-5 if you really want.  I guess.), Gene co-ordinates a series of brief messages between the phones to get both Alex and Addie out of their houses and walking around outside.  Jailbreak hacks into the traffic light system (yeah, this is starting to pop up even in small towns now, they can change the length of a green light with two mouse clicks at a price tag of $15,000 per intersection or something) and actually manipulates the traffic in the real world to herd the lovebirds towards each other, all while robo-meanies chase them through Addie’s phone, up through the Cloud, and back to Alex’s phone in a big production that has all the emojis on Addie’s phone banding together to aid the success of their mission, as well as their subsequent escape.

18. Alex and Addie find themselves standing on the same street corner with nothing to do but have a conversation, which they somehow manage.  Addie suggests maybe Alex and his folks can come up to the cottage for a visit.  (I’m sure her parents will love that.  Invite some more strangers while you’re at it, honey!  We’ll have a luau!  But anyway.)  It’s not everlasting love, but it’s a start, and that’s all we’re really looking for here.

19. Back home again, Gene is proud that even a “Meh” like him can help fan the flames of a budding new romance (wait, buds don’t flame....) and learned that human speech is far more powerful at conveying emotion than he was led to believe by his peers.  Jailbreak is proud to be her own definition of a “princess,” having demonstrated courage, valor, and encyclopedic knowledge of several programming languages.  Smiler keeps on smiling, even though she’s seething with twelve kinds of rage, which she won’t be able to act on because...heck, I dunno, maybe the robots didn’t make it out of the Cloud.  RIP robots.

20. No dance party at the end.  Just.......just no.

And that’s how I would fix “The Emoji Movie.”

[news-mashable-yahoopartner-blog]

The essential list of Trump trolls, from the NSFW to the out of this world

There's one thing you can say about our current president: It's definitely easy to troll him. It's almost harder not to troll him at this point. 

SEE ALSO: Watch Trump's ridiculous tweets transform into poetry before your eyes

And there have been some great ones over the past few years, like when Gawker's Ashley Feinberg managed to get Trump to retweet a Mussolini quote. Or the time Deadspin just went all in with some 🔥🔥🔥 .

Since the inauguration, the troll train has been full steam ahead, with the most recent in the line catching our attention in — ahem — entirely new ways. 

What better time to look back on the best trolls of our 45th president since his inauguration than now, as we head into the Independence Day holiday?

1. Pressing the Fleshlight

Buzzfeed writer Jesse McLaren gets points for being super subtle with this one. A quick glance and you wouldn't even notice the sex toy hidden on the shelf behind Trump's Oval Office desk, casually blending in with assorted trophies and knickknacks. 

I photoshopped a flesh-light into the background of this photo please RT so one day it accidentally get's used in an article. pic.twitter.com/HdDNMTYkDu

— Jesse McLaren (@McJesse) June 27, 2017

2. Getting real about Time

That fake Time magazine that the Washington Post discovered on the walls of Trump golf clubs is sure something. A lot of people got in on the trolling action, including one Virginia congressman, but nothing tops a cartoon from the New Yorker, a publication that's been pretty clear on its stance on Trump from the beginning. 

Today's daily cartoon by John Mavroudis. See more cartoons here: https://t.co/y2VewFsZHF pic.twitter.com/mRyREUDgTA

— The New Yorker (@NewYorker) June 29, 2017

3. "Real Fake" is really real

An easy way to troll Trump is to hit him where it hurts, like in front of his gleaming tower along the river in downtown Chicago. Fake news? Real news? What is life anyway? Life is strolling along the Chicago Riverwalk near the Trump Tower and happening to run into a sculpture that says "Real Fake" which doesn't have anything to do with Chicago Mayor (and Obama ally) Rahm Emanuel. Not at all. 

I believe we've hit peak-level trolling. pic.twitter.com/Zvc5lm1FDT

— Anthony M. Kreis (@AnthonyMKreis) June 27, 2017

4. Turning Trump into a poet

To celebrate how truly bizarre most of Trump’s tweets are, Reddit user Darby Crash recently created "Poet in Chief" — an algorithm-run generator that turns President Trump's 140-character messages into literary masterpieces. Users can click on individual poetry lines and be transported to Trump’s original tweets. Try out the trolling yourself!

Image: MASHABLE COMPOSITE: TOM PENNINGTON/GETTY IMAGES AND EMOJIPEDIA

5. Macron, thy mortal enemy

It took a few months, but Trump finally has a nemesis willing to go one-on-one with him on a global stage. It's France's new president Emmanuel Macron, who won't just out-macho Trump's handshake, but will also recruit action film legend (and former GOP governor!) Arnold Schwarzenegger to troll Trump on his decision to remove the U.S. from the Paris Climate Agreement. Note the high-level troll-appropriation of Trump's own (silly) slogan.

I was truly honored to meet with President @EmmanuelMacron about how we can work together for a clean energy future. He's a great leader. pic.twitter.com/MSoxjIruup

— Arnold (@Schwarzenegger) June 23, 2017

6. JK Rowling and Stephen King tag team POTUS

JK Rowling brings pure magic to Twitter feeds with each and every Trump troll. The Harry Potter author never holds back, and on occasion, even joins forces with another awesome human, like — oh, say — Stephen King, to take down the U.S. president. When King discovered Trump had blocked him on Twitter, Rowling stepped in to lend support. If you want more epic shade from these pals, here’s a scathing selection of J.K. Rowling's most brutal Trump burns, and Stephen King's. 

Trump has blocked me from reading his tweets. I may have to kill myself.

— Stephen King (@StephenKing) June 13, 2017

I still have access. I'll DM them to you. https://t.co/MhibEYDBTg

— J.K. Rowling (@jk_rowling) June 13, 2017

.@StephenKing On a sliding scale of Annie Wilkes to Cujo, what level of delusion do you reckon we're at today? pic.twitter.com/vmPwdS47Ks

— J.K. Rowling (@jk_rowling) June 15, 2017

7. A glass of shade on the rocks

Smirnoff’s icy-cold new ad campaign trolls President Trump in the least subtle of ways. In the aftermath of former FBI Director James Comey’s testimony, the company decided to promote its American-made vodka by sending up Trump's alleged ties to Russia. Trump claimed several of Comey's accusations (made under oath, BTW) were completely false and said he'd be 100 percent willing to share his account of what happened under oath. Smirnoff then created the following ad:

Smirnoff's new ad campaign pic.twitter.com/IPEwbLJFlq

— Robbie Gramer (@RobbieGramer) June 11, 2017

8. "Cryin' Chuck" weighs in

Don't think that Trump's political opponents are holding back, either. Senate minority leader Chuck Schumer (D-NY) certainly had some fun at Trump's expense after the absurd pageantry of that first big Trump cabinet meeting in which Trump was heralded as a glorious leader. Schumer and his staff decided to hold their own little ceremony of praise. 

GREAT meeting today with the best staff in the history of the world!!! pic.twitter.com/ocE1xhEAac

— Chuck Schumer (@SenSchumer) June 12, 2017

9. Tim Cook takes a bite out of Trump

Sure, Tim Cook might act (mostly) diplomatic at those tech summits, but he's thinking the same Trump Twitter jokes as the rest of us. Like this zinger he delivered while making the commencement speech at MIT's graduation. 

10. An out-of-this-world Trump troll

Yes, Trump got trolled from space because the limit does not exist. A French astronaut who lived in space for 196 days had a lovely tweet to send Trump upon his return to Earth. He threw shade at the president’s decision to withdraw from the Paris Climate Agreement by sharing a photo of the agreement floating on the International Space Station (ISS), and referencing Trump’s slogan in his hashtag.

I took the #ParisAgreement to the ISS: from space, climate change is very real. Some could probably use the view #MakeOurPlanetGreatAgain pic.twitter.com/0AuMTr9J39

— Thomas Pesquet (@Thom_astro) June 6, 2017

11. Raining on Trump’s climate-change denial parade

Ahead of Donald Trump's declaration that the U.S. would be withdrawing from the Paris Climate Agreement, Weather.com’s forecast called for heavy shade. The IBM-owned Weather Company transformed its homepage into a scorching hot message for Trump about the reality of climate change. Headlines like "Still Don't Care? Proof You Should Care Now" put climate-change deniers in their places in a refreshingly unique way.

Hey @weatherchannel — I see you. Wow. pic.twitter.com/wOWEop67Qj

— Scott Gustin (@ScottGustin) June 1, 2017

12. Pay bribes here!

We already know trolling Trump at his places of business is one sure way for publicity. Another target was his posh D.C. hotel that coincidentally hosted a big re-election fundraiser for Trump on Wednesday. D.C. artist Robin Bell, who would subsequently target Jeff Sessions, projected phrases like "Pay bribes here!" and "Emoluments Welcome" onto the Trump hotel. 

Right now at Trump's DC hotel! pic.twitter.com/95cwrUmbmF

— igorvolsky (@igorvolsky) May 16, 2017

13. Bigly ethics violations?

Trump was only in office for a few months before he raised the ire of the Office of Government Ethics (OGE), which has already had its hands full with the Trump White House. The OGE tweeted out a reminder about ethical loyalty shortly after reports surfaced that said Trump demanded loyalty from now-fired FBI head James Comey, a saga that continues to stretch on. 

pic.twitter.com/Cdmlta2ecl

— U.S. OGE (@OfficeGovEthics) May 12, 2017

14. The tweet came from (near) space!

Before Trump upset astronauts by pulling out of the Paris agreement, the president had already been hit with a troll from above. The Autonomous Space Agency Network, amateurs who promote DIY space exploration, released their own shot at Trump via a printed tweet on a weather balloon. It didn't quite make it to space, but it's close enough. 

.@realDonaldTrump: LOOK AT THAT, YOU SON OF A BITCHhttps://t.co/Vu7q2j8g1t pic.twitter.com/EU1obtes4q

— ASAN (@ASANspace) April 12, 2017

15. Trump Draws

One of the best one-stop Twitter accounts that hilariously sends up the president is Trump Draws, which mocks Trump's love of himself, attention, and maybe not having the most bigly intellect. 

tapes pic.twitter.com/EYKHaGE1Lh

— Trump Draws (@TrumpDraws) June 22, 2017

16. Clinton's revenge

Both Hillary and Chelsea Clinton have taken plenty of shots at Trump since the election. Some might say they're being sore losers, while others point out the popular vote totals. 

Of course @HillaryClinton has a theory about #covfefe pic.twitter.com/Dr5rcUCFZy

— Mashable News (@MashableNews) May 31, 2017

17. The best words!

Merriam-Webster’s official Twitter account has become a crucial member of Trump’s die-hard group of trollers. The dictionary continually corrects Trump’s bigly word mishaps by defining the most-searched terms related to Trump. For instance, whenever Trump spells the word “council” incorrectly, Merriam-Webster is there. And when he created “covfefe”? Forget about it. Since his inauguration, the dictionary has also trolled Kellyanne Conway’s “alternate facts” remark, and Ivanka Trump’s use of "complicit," proving that no one in the administration is safe.

'Councel' is by far our most looked up misspelling today.

— Merriam-Webster (@MerriamWebster) May 18, 2017

18. Trolling from the other side of the pond 

Trump's treatment of our allies has been a significant storyline of his presidency, but it's not like Europe is ignoring Trump. Not long after Trump's inauguration, the cheeky Dutch used a parody of a tourism video to take potshots at the new U.S. president. Several countries wound up following their lead. 

19. Late night drama

Late Night hosts take the political shade to a whole other level. Who could forget Stephen Colbert’s Emmy hosting announcement in which he mocked the Trump administration's false claims about inauguration attendance. “This will be the largest audience to witness an Emmys, period,” Colbert said in a statement. “Both in person and around the globe.” The late night show shade has been so strong who could even recall every troll? But recently Colbert and Seth Rogen joined forces to slide into Donald Trump Jr.’s DMs. A family that gets trolled together stays together, maybe?

20. Souza shades like no other

Perhaps the ultimate Trump trolling master is the Insta-famous former White House photographer of Barack Obama, Pete Souza. Souza watches Trump like a hawk with his photo archive at the ready, just waiting to revive the hundreds of stunning shots he’s taken of Obama to show the contrasts in their leadership. Each Souza troll — from Trump’s visit with the Pope to his Paris Climate Agreement decision — includes a fierce caption. Let us admire one of the greatest posts: Souza’s response to Trump refusing to shake German Chancellor Angela Merkel’s hand at their White House meeting.

First time meeting Angela Merkel in 2009

A post shared by Pete Souza (@petesouza) on Mar 17, 2017 at 12:54pm PDT

Additional reporting from Suzanne Ciechalski

WATCH: Are these tweets by Trump or a troll? Adam Pally is on the case.

[thewaitisogre]

WEEK 1 RECAP: Bobby’s Welly Intervention! September 24, 2018

Oh, how I missed regular Dancing With The Stars. I had a fling with Dancing With The Stars: All Athletes, but that was a phase. I’m fully committed to you, my love, so one bother me for like the next 10 weeks. But it’s not like anyone wants to talk to me for the next 10 weeks because all I will talk about is Tom Bergeron’s silver mane and Grocery Store Joe’s ominous attitude. Let’s get into this mess! Tom Bergeron introduced the opening pro number with a glittery walking stick in hand. Boy, we are all getting old. And to the dances we went and there are so many. All Athletes un-prepared me for this. 

Dances

Star: Mary Lou Retton, retired gymnast | dance: cha cha | score: 6 7 6

She seems super excited to be there. The gymnasts can always turn the excitement for performances. Guys, shes had a bunch of injuries and she is 50, but she is turning it. She lost a little timing. That tends to happen when people are violently excited.

Milo Manheim, actor | cha cha | 7 6 7

Another pig bull (typo and it stays) song! What is it with this show and Pitbull? It was a bit too sexy for a 17-year-old Disney Channel Star. They didn’t mention this, but he has dance experience. If he gets his waving inflatable arms under control he could win. 

Evanna Lynch, actress | foxtrot | 7 5 6

This promo package filmed at Universal’s The Wizarding World of Harry Potter is so crass, but I love it. That was rough. I’ve seen mountains smoother than that foxtrot. What saves her is her Harry Potter connection and her backstory. Her deal is she was rejected from three dance schools and wants to show those chumps what they’re missing, but does Ireland even get ABC?

Danielle Umstead, blind paralympian | foxtrot | 6 6 6 (nice)

Her partner Artmen goes “I’m the complete dark over here.” And Danelle replies “I’m the one in the dark. What are you talking about?” Haha ableist speech! She is not a bad dancer. Funny enough her obstacle is all mental. She needs to get over her nerves. 

Bobby Bones, radio host | jive | 7 6 7

Isn’t it amazing that the star that will be a handful this season won’t be the blind one? Because that jive wasn’t crazy enough, Bobby had to almost dislocate his partner Sharna’s shoulder and writhe around the floor like a possessed Buddy Holly on Ketamine.

Juan Pablo Di Pace, actor | salsa | 7 7 8

Every season there is that star that was cast to give the soccer moms a wide on. Well then get me the mini van and call me a soccer mom because that was hot. He is super forceful, though. You don’t want to injure your pro the first day. 

Nikki Glaser, comedian | salsa | 6 5 6

Here is the deal. Nikki isn’t a dancer, she sucks at social media like she was massaging her aching back with a Hitachi magic wand on instagram, and she is injured on week one. She is going to get eliminated soon and it’s a shame because she is kind of the perfect self-aware narrator. Just a sample of her quips:

“They say dance like nobody’s watching and I won’t even do that because I’m scared I will catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror.” 

“You look like you should be constantly emerging from a pool in slow motion. That’s how hot you are.”

Bruno said “You have to think of the arms and the body together.” Nikki says “I’ll tell them to talk to each other.”

Alexis Ren, social media user | jive | 7 7 7

Alexis’ biggest accomplishment is being the Sports Illustrated Rookie of the Year, but she is better known for being a babe with bandwidth. In my previous piece I mentioned Alexis has dance training so we could expect splits from this couple and they delivered with overnight shipping. It was pretty great, considering the camera man had an apparent aneurysm because for the last 15 seconds all we saw was the ceiling. 

John Schneider, actor and singer | foxtrot | 7 5 6

He won’t win but he will have a good run. There were a few mess ups, but I liked it a lot. Just work on those shoulders, John, and keep milking your stint as Bo Duke. 

Tinashe, singer | jive | 8 7 8 (highest score of the night)

Were there any doubts this would be anything short of amazing? She is trained in all styles except for ballroom. I don’t have real complaints. My complaints are like her pink dress should’ve been less pink. And could I make just one joke? “I’ve never been to oovoo jiver.” Okay, that was the joke. 

Nancy McKeon, actress | quickstep | 6 6 6

The usual frame issues in a typical quickstep, but she is sweet as pie. This is a long episode. I deserve a sandwich and a beer. There are two more dances left. Tom Bergeron, give me strength. 

Joe “Grocery Store Joe” Amabile, The Bachelorette “star” | quickstep | 5 4 5

It’s almost the end of the night and my patience is running out. Joe said “I got eliminated the first night.” Can he get eliminated the first night again? He looked like he was doing flag football drills and accidentally wondered into the ballroom. The pity isn’t that he’s a bad dancer, the pity is that he makes bad television. It’s really hard to get any kind of comment out of him. If he isn’t out by Most Memorable Year I’m rioting. 

Demarcus Ware, football player | cha cha | 8 7 8

A palate cleanser! He is such a sweet man. He danced kind of crazy, but when he gets his limbs under control he could be a contender. He tied for highest score of the night. And that’s all the commentary you will get out of me. I’ve had too much ballroom for one day. Excuse me while I drown myself in pale ale.

Tom Bergeron Quip of the Night

Tom on Bobby’s post-jive outburst: “Bobby was last seen doing cartwheels down Topanga Canyon.”

Len Goodman Zinger of the Night

To Juan Pablo: “You are the hunk with the junk in the trunk.”

Observations

Bruno: bumps microphone. Tom: “There is no way that microphone is gonna last the entire season.”

No one is that competitive... yet

Tom to Evanna: “how many more references to Hogwarts will you tolerate?”

This current boys troupe, Robert, Vlad and Artur, is probably the best-looking they’ve ever had

Danelle’s seeing dog didn’t get enough camera time

Tom to Bobby after Len said his dance had a lot of “welly”: “we are going to have a welly intervention.”

This hat is preposterous

Dancing With The Stars is on Sundays at 8 on ABC. Click here for more recaps. 

[studioes-blog]

Dont force it, work with it.

Shawn, is a mountain of a human being. In fact it was a challenge to shoot him with my low ceilings in the studio. What I took away from this shoot was, when you have a look don’t fight it work with it. Shawns family wanted to redo their senior photos because they were not happy with the results. I am thankful that they chose me to do the re-shoot. I had a quick on the spot interview with Shawn and learned of his love of basketball, video games and how he views life itself. The words that stood out to me when talking with Shawn were fearless, content, control, these words were used to describe how he feels when he is on the court with other players. I ran with it and he delivered.

Guess what guys its SEO time! My favorite time of the blog. This time as a photographer of senior portraits and other photographic needs. I am going to say it flat out. I don’t like Maroon 5, came on the radio the other day in the car and I said “No sir, I don’t like it” and that’s that. That happened while I was at Fort Bragg going to Lillington with a stop off in Bunnlevel North Carolina.

Common photog knowledge will tell you to make the model smile and then in the after shoot go gonzo on the frequency separation to make the skin oh so silky smooth. Now once again with this being on the internet I have to speak frankly here, I am not condemning photoshop at all, its a tool we all must use and adapt to each clients needs and wants. I use frequency separation all the time and I cleaned up Shawns skin quite a bit on his shoot, I want him to look his best, but again its what me and the client are after in the shoot. This is the reason Shawn and his parents sought me out, as his previous shots were tight closeups only and his skin was so blended, well it was very noticeable to end the story here. When meeting with mom and dad the goal of the shoot was some wider frames for a project that mom had in mind and they wanted their son to look like himself and boom:

Haha more SEO. You know I also shoot some newborns did a headshot the other day and well I love this photography thing. In fact I couldn’t be happier to serve the fine people of Pinehurst and Fayetteville North Carolina. This SEO tag is a little lame, Ill get it right in the next one. Promise, if not I’ll be a free photographer! Hoho, watch that one rise in the google search ranks. I love algorithms, so smart yet so dumb.

The smile, when a client uses words like dominant, fearless, control, I don’t see a smile. Shawn is a very gentle young man and my shoot with him was a blast. There was no need to force a smile out of him. He has that dominant presence in his stance and height add in the look and he rocks it, again don’t fight it work with it.

You might notice the use of the white background and since no one reads this Ill talk to myself here. I love the white background, so clean and ready for anything. We chose it so Shawn can stand out in the frame, he carries the contrast, both in his fearless mindset and the caring young man he is in person, then apply that visual contrast to his images. 

SEO baby! Pressure is on folks I would not like to work for free so I need a zinger here. Studio ES a photographer that works more than 9 to 5 and you will get more than 5 portraits which is better than anything Maroon 5 puts out. OHHHH got em. Come see us for all your photographic needs in Sanford and heck Ill even drive to Fort Bragg and Fayetteville North Carolina for senior portraits, newborns and headshots.

I want to close with my favorite image of the shoot. Its those moments why you never take the camera to far away from your eye.

yeah yeah, photos, babies, seniors portraits, maternity! oh and Shawn and family ordered prints! let me give a seo shout out to White House Custom Color for great prints. Studio ES, Sanford what ever, love vinegar in my BBQ North Carolina.

Joe Mcnally once stated in his books you never take your eye out of the camera and don’t put the camera away until you at home. That is not verbatim but you get the idea. I live by that philosophy I wish Shawn all the luck in his studies as he tackles programming so he can work in the gaming word. Its a booming industry and I know he will be a powerhouse in it. Thanks for the opportunity guys.