#oh i graduated btw i forgot that happened! i will be proud of myself no matter what anyone tells me <3< /div> Explore tagged Tumblr posts

[quakiebaka]

signing contracts yippeeeee!!!

[marvelousaddiction]

Rules: Once you have been tagged you are supposed to write 92 truths about you. At the end choose 25 people to be tagged. 

I was tagged by @pheonyxstorm

LAST: 

Drink: Last thing I drank was a coke, last alcoholic beverage was Gentlemen’s Jack (but I may have regular Jack tonight)

(btw Tay, try Irish Trashcan, optional but add strawberry sour straw candy)

 Phone Call: My momma lol 

Text Message: @ceobryce

Song you listened to:  Rammstein - Feuer Frei! (and Victorious a Breezy original)

Time I Cried: two tears in the shower, I missed the breakdown this time and I took care of myself so yeah...

HAVE YOU EVER: 

Dated someone twice: nope

Been cheated on: twice 

Kissed Someone and regretted it: yep, four people.....well....yeah four

Lost someone special: yep, some of them died, and one of them is still alive but I wish her the best still

been drunk and thrown up: yes, twice, but only a little bit each time  and I’ve never really had a hangover, only maybe a mild headache when I wake up, I barely notice it 

IN THE PAST YEAR HAVE YOU:

Made a new friend: I’d like to say so 

Fallen Out of Love: no

Laughed Until You Cried: all the time like (almost) errday

Met Someone Who Changed You: no, not really, but people I have always had I’ve come to some realizations about leading to changes in myself, example, I drink sometimes now

Found Out Who your true friends are: mhm, I always constantly play it safe in this department because of my past

Found out someone was talking about me: honey, listen, people been talking about you since you came into this world and they gon’ talk about you after you out of it. (at least you're on their mind) 

GENERAL:

How many people in Tumblr do you know in real life?: @ceobryce @wolfsilverlight @leftzombiepenguin @brayamac @violet-soulkeeper17 @talonvictor @oneshoeshort (and Megan, I have to find her name and edit this lol)

Do you have any pets?: Yep. Dusty Leroy (my last name), Simba Sophia (my last name), Angel Clemingtine (my last name), Bobby Lee (my last name) and Loli (Lolli) Pop (my last name) 

Do you want to change your name? : First name,no, it made Papa proud I was named after him, Middle name, yes until this past june because I was the only kid of my dad’s kids (and grandkids) without the middle name Marie but in June something happened that changed my mind so I thanked my mom for naming me Irene. Last name, eventually lol, yknow marriage and shiz

What time did you wake up this morning: 6:00

What were you doing last night: laying in bed, talking to @browneyedhunter and ignoring what was going on outside my bedroom or trying with all my might and failing 

Name something you cannot wait for: Just one thing, other than actually starting my life (long ass story), tonight (giggidy), the black panther movie and april fools day to take a day trip to Raleigh and see Kevin Hart (if life allows) and down the line a little bit, to be a mom 

Have you ever talked to a person named Tom?: not to my recollection, but yes in my dreams, Tom Hiddleston is a amazing man 

What’s getting on your nerves right now: nothing really at this moment, i guess being a female has terrible timing 

Blood type: blood? red? 

Nickname: Nerd, Short Person, BabyGirl, Jess, Jessie, Jessie Jess, Angel, there are so many 

Relationship Status: Happy 

Zodiac Sign: Cancer (June 25)

Pronouns: She, her, I am a cis girl lol but I will proudly respond to Dude, Bro, Bruh, Broski

Favorite Show: Obviously Supernatural is number 1, top 3 are Supernatural, Sherlock, and probably Penny Dreadful (but I have many favorites)

College: Not yet, I took a placement test and such but I am trying to get things straight first. Fingers crossed, within the next year or so I can start. I took some CP/ college class in high-school, there was one, Physcology, where  the professor actually came and taught us and I did well in that also I think I made like a high Cor a B but with the history class they gave us a book, popped us in front of computers. I tried, I really did, but I also did something there that I never did in school before, I tried and couldn’t learn anything (that is when the computers actually worked) and it was just boring so I got fed up basically said fuck this shit and failed on purpose. My education currently is K4-graduating from high school with a diploma. I actually love learning so please don’t misunderstand, I hated school, but I still tried my best and did pretty well and never flunked a grade level or anything, I was also that person everyone hated for reminding teachers of homework when they forgot it because I was the one that, not exaggerating, had mental breakdowns doing it. In highschool there is/was a notorious teacher that everyone hated, literally, someone keyed his truck, but, he saw how hard I worked and such and he actually became like my best friend and I may have been a teacher’s pet but he and my other math teacher my senior year were my best friends. Okay long unnecessary rambling sorry 

Hair Color: brunette, naturally, will eventually be black I know for certain. However, I colored it black once years ago, and in highschool I bleached my bangs so they were blonde, about two years ago but longer I put blue where the blonde was and that faded to teal, then i put red streaks throughout my hair when that was gone. Its been natural for a long time 

Do you have a crush on someone: yes. celebrities, obviously, but there is one man on campus i sware i cant take my eyes off of lol. My babe,marie, and I have a whole private joke thing about it. He is known as Superman, you had to be there

What do you like about yourself: this one is really hard, honestly. It varies but I guess....I mean, my sweatshirt I am wearing now? that count? Oh! I can drink and not become my big sister, despite having to convince myself of that. It is complicated and my eyes too lol 

FIRSTS:

First Surgery: it was getting my tonsils taken out when i was like maybe 5 or 6

First Piercing: ears, although i was never really able to wear earrings because of a reaction but they are closed now. I’m really thinking about getting my belly button pierced

First Sport You joined: there was the time when I was little and wrestling my dad, but that career ended when I kicked his nose/mouth and they swole, and the time I played football as a baby at my moms old family church but I bit my evil cousin? do those count?

First vacation: I don’t know if I ever had a vacation but I know my first time leaving home for a trip we went to Virginia, then Pittsburgh PA, then Niagra Falls NY

First Pair of Sneakers: I am willing to bet were hand me downs or from dollar general or a thrift store

Right Now: 

Eating: Nothing at this second

Drinking: Nothing at this second but later Jack & Coke/soda  and going to taste green apple Crown Royal with sprite,supposedly tastes like Jolly ranchers 

I’m about to: respond to @browneyedhunter, shes been waiting while I typed all of this and hopefully tonight......uh giggidy 

Listening to: keys typing and Jimmy’s snoring behind me 

Want Kids: in the future, someday, yes, very much 

Get Married: maybe, I’ll see if life let’s me but people say Jimmy and I are married. By people I mean my 62 yr old parents and his grandad, and his mom 

Career: I really want one someday, but, we have talked, and we would both be alright with being a SAHM too. Right now, I don’t feel like I am doing my part despite what everyone says; but as long as I feel like I am doing that, I am good

SO TIREED!!! SHOULDERS HUUURURRTT 

Lips or Eyes: who’s?

Hugs or kisses: again, who are we talking about?

Shorter or tall: I am shorter than everyone, @emoryhemsworth knows what I mean since we are both 4′9

Older or Younger: I have a thing for older guys

Romantic or Spontaneous: both

Sensitive or loud: those things don’t always necessarily correlate 

Hookup or Relationship: Relationship. Unless it is another girl’ then I couldn’t do a relationship unless it was Poly

Troublemaker or Hesitant: hesitant af 

Have You Ever:  

Kissed a stranger: no, that is how disease happens. Unless...I guess Jimmy was technically a stranger when I met him and we kissed 

Drank hard liquor: the hardest thing I have found I actually like is whiskey or Irish Trashcan 

Lost Contacts/ glasses: nope

Sex on first date: believe it or not i have only ever done it with one person

Broken someone’s heart: I think I broke Faith’s heart when I told her true things about disney,childhood movies, fairytales etc 

Been arrested: no, my parents have though XD

turned someone down: nope

Fallen for a friend: Yup, wish her well but she co go screw herself or that sweet soulles-

DO YOU BELIEVE: 

In yourself: most of the time, no

Miracles: yes, because of I have lived through some, many of them 

Love at First sight: i guess 

Ive tagged people lol, I am done 

[desthen]

“I can fix the biggest mistake of my life”

“I can have what I’ve always wanted”

----

A cover for a story I’ll probably never write. Based on the Timewish Au from the gravity falls fandom. But! with a time loop. Summary and excerpt under the cut

Stan wishes he was never born/died as a baby, and the twist is that Ford grows up alone, and when he gets a Timewish, wishes he’d had a twin brother/his brother had lived. And of course because I love alternate universe crossovers, the conflicting wishes have to be resolved. So the wishee from each timeline has to confront the other and decide on a new wish. I’ve been placing them in a time bubble, which First timeline Ford eventually breaks in to. I’ve got a lot of ideas for it, but I’m not much of a writer, so it’ll probably never get done. But I really like how this turned out. 

Honestly though, the idea came to me because I saw the Timewish au and was thinking about new timeline Ford. And myself. My mom was a twin and growing up I was always envious of that. I thought about what if I could timewish myself a twin sister or brother. And I just, hell yes I would. Better then changing any of the mistakes I’ve made or others have in my life, If I could change something about my own life in the past, it would be to have a twin. So I figured it wouldn’t be out of the realm of possibility for Ford to feel that as well. Especially after meeting Dipper and Mabel. (and if Stan died instead of never existed. either way though, it would work). 

An excerpt from when they’re in the bubble, arguing about what new wish to make (in the option where Stan wishes he’d died as a baby):

Looking at the life he'd wished in to existence, or back as it were, made it seem like his old one should have been the preferred one. And yet... and yet, he remembers that it wasn't. He remembers an emptiness beside him he'd never been able to fill and the envy of an only child wishing his family was bigger. Wished that the life that was stolen from him with his first breath had lived beside him. He remembers and he remembers, but it does no good, because Stanley is standing right in front of him, asking to disappear again.

I also had some fun thing mixing with a Jimmy Snakes headcanon/au I saw. In that the Globnar Stan has to do to win the wish was challenged by Jimmy, who blamed him for his death and subsequent demonfied 100 year contract (which he tried to get out of via time travel, causing his time arrest).

Here’s the run down for the story:

intro - jim pov challenge - ford pov globnar - stan pov wish - ford pov alternate line - altford pov colliding wishes (transition) - altford and stan pov bubble - alternating povs ford arrives - altford pov ford tries to fight himself, then is confused, then distraught, then yells and convinces - idk pov new wish - altford new alternate line - outside pov? idk pov

I was thinking Stan tried to give the wish to Ford at first, but he declined, not wanting the responsibility. Here’s the excerpt of that (one of the tiny bits I wrote)

“Make your wish." A glowing orange orb floated between them, an hourglass shape in it's center emanating lighter than the rest. Stanley seemed to change as the light from it cast orange highlights on the surrounding area. He made a half smile at Ford from across it's surface. "Well? What's it going to be? I still think you should take it" He saw the deflection for what it was, an attempt at denial he almost didn't let work. They could talk about this later, when there wasn't a huge audience from the future watching their every move. He shifted his focus from his brother to the orb and forgot for a moment that there were people waiting as he considered the opportunity. There were an endless possibility of improvements to make to his life and the lives of his family, yet he stood with a feeling of trepidition stopping him from jumping in. He could go back and fix the turns his life had made he didn't like, force the script of to follow the path he'd wanted all along. His impact could be made good and beneficial, a long list of contributions to improve the world like he'd always wanted, but... he'd been striding towards that purpose for a long time and it had done him no good. He'd fallen for a demon's con at the first sign of success and almost ended the world with his mistakes. He could fix those with this, but why should he be given the chance to? You didn't learn from mistakes if you never made them, and he'd made a lot.  what right did he have to change time? The responsibility of everything that happened that he didn't prepare for would lay squarely on his shoulders, haunting him. What if he went back to change his mistakes and only exacerbated them or made worse ones? What if he inadvertantly caused someone he loved to die? The responsibility was overwhelming. He could overthink this to death. "I refuse to take it" He whispered as he looked back to his brother, who had a unreadable expression on his face that quickly changed to confusion. "I don't want it" The orb floated away from him. Stanley's confusion turned to anger "That makes no sense, Poindexter. Who wouldn't want a time wish? Just take it!" Stanford just crossed his arms and looked away "Nope! Won't do it! I guess you'll just have to make it for us" Stanley was flabbergasted. (lol his face right here cracks me up but I’m not sure how to write it). 

Also another bubble excerpt, but after old Ford breaks in and starts arguing:

'what if we flip the equation?' He looked tired. 'i'm not changing my wish, Stanford. ' He powered through 'what if we put you back, and take someone else out?' He sighed in resignation. 'I'm not doing it.' 'just listen to me! You want to take yourself out of the equation without considering what that means for everyone else tha-' 'You think I haven't considered everyone else?!'  the question was half shouted. stan was looking  at him with frustration. 'that's the whole point of this, Stanford. everyone is better off without me. I don't see what's so hard to understand! You're the smart one! you're supposed to be able to understand simple math!' 'that's not the point!' he'd gotten off track. stanley had always had a way of riling him up to go off topic to get his way. he took a breath to calm himself down, then asked in a quiet voice 'What if it was me?' the question caught stan off guard, not expecting his anger to fizzle out so quickly.' what?' 'what if I wished myself out of existance? what if you were born alone. and your life is just fine and everyone's lives turn out better because I'm not there. and then youre given the choice we have now, to get me back or keep me gone. Which.. which one would you pick?' 'that's not fair stanford. it's not the same' 'it very much is!'

You’ll note that Ford doesn’t have the correct number of fingers in the picture. I mean you can probably guess why based on context clues. He’s the alternate timeline Ford who grew up alone. You only ever need one friend, but he didn’t have any. and with no one to make him feel normal. So, when he was in high school, he cut off his extra finger. Or one of them .

He gets that timewish btw, the same way Soos did in the show.  Dipper and Mabel win it for him while visiting for the summer at his research facility. He grows up defined by his intelligence. He gets in to west coast tech and focuses on the most profitable career path he can think of to make his father proud of him. But that isn’t what he really wants to do. It takes him a long time to finally realize what he wants to study and go for it, creating a rift between his parents and him. Goes to gravity falls to study anomalies when he’s about 40. 

Also Bill is still DEAD okay. He doesn’t show up to mess with Ford or anyone in this timeline because Stan’s smart and he made part of his wish that that stupid triangle stays dead. 

Timeline 3 is where things get real fun. Cause the time police don’t want them coming back and doing this again. They’re banned from timewishes and Globnar and a safety is put in place (or the brothers include it in their wish to make sure they don’t make the same mistakes again). Where they remember their old lives when they go back this time, as they happen. Probably in dreams. or they just wake up and know what happened this day last time. So Ford grows up remembering a life where things were pretty similar and one where he grew up without his brother. And Stan just remembers the first. They talk about it a lot when they’re kids, which is slightly ostracizing. Ford is really protective of his brother, because he remembers what it was like without him. (oh no you found me out, all of this is really just a cover to have more protective Ford fic). When the science fair comes around, the machine still doesn’t work (because someone else messed with it this time or because of a malfunction. you decide). But they still fight about it because Ford thinks the first timeline just happened all over again. But this time they’re just used to talking about stuff okay. They’ve been doing it their whole lives. and They talk about it and calm down before Filbrick tries to kick stan out again anyway. Which Ford makes enough of a stink about that their mother steps in an no one gets kicked out. Ford winds up going to backupsmore and meeting fidds again. Stan graduates high school and gets a job in sales or something. They keep in contact, still talking about their alternate lives, although it’s more stressful for them both now. Because Stan sometimes lies and Ford can tell. Or he tells the truth and it’s not really great. and then when Ford goes to gravity falls, Stan and Fidds go too and you found me out, this is also a cover for some mystery trio fic. Eventually they catch up to the timewishes. And Ford is understandably horrified.

One last quote from I quite like:

So, maybe the world doesn't end without you in it. Maybe everyone's lives turn out just fine. But, I'd rather have you

Anyway, if you read this far, thanks! I just wanted to share my idea somewhere. Maybe someone else will write it someday. I would seriously love to read it

[mandaani]

Know Yourself in Detail

Hello guys, how are you, I hope you guys are really really well. In this article, I am going to describe myself in pretty detail. From my SWOT, Hobbies or interest, where I come from, Education and many more. This article I make to not just to make you guys know about me, but through this article, I want to know more about myself too, and try to explore it through make it in an article. Why? Because I can explore more about something when I can write it. Btw, after this one, I hope you guys too will post about you, hence we can know each other deeply, even we are never meet.

Okay lets begin.

My name is Meri Andani. People usually call me Meri. Currently I am living in Kukusan Beji, Depok, West Java. I live in Depok started from 2014, approximately 2,5 years until right now right?. Previously, I life in East Lombok, and I born in east lombok too, just from 2014 I was move to Depok for high academic purpose.

I fulfilled my education from elemantary school, junior high school until senior high school in east Lombok. I am a graduate student from Elementary School which named SDN 06 Kembang Kerang. SD 06 Kembang Kerang is located Montong Pace. Montong Pace is the name of a village in East Lombok, and that nearest from my village which named Bagik Rebak. Bagik Rebak is a villlage in Lombok which located in the middle of nowhere, but its not too hard or difficult to reach, even it is located in the middle nowhere.

After graduated from elemantary school, I continued my education to Junior High School which named SMPN 02 Wanasaba. SMPN 02 Wanasaba is located in Karang Baru. My junior high school also can categorized as the school which located in the middle of nowhere, but its never mind to me, as long as I can got a whortied education program, and not too hard to access, its oke. Actually, before I registered to SMPN 2 Wanasaba, previously I registered to the favourite school in my region, but I was rejected. Even, I remember that my education score record was good in my elemantary school, and now I just grateful for what I have been through.

After graduated from junior high school, I was registered and acceped in one of favourite Senior High School in my region. And from this stage, I knew more about myself, and I knew about what the thing which I am interested and so on. In the second year, I joined the Economic Olympiad Club, and had joined in this club taught me many things and very help to more understand in the economics subject and also in the mathematic subject. I had joined the competition in Economy for two times, in the regency level and in the province level. It such a great experience, and those competition may help me too to pass the test in the selection of become a  university student. I got a good rank in my class, mostly I got the 1st place and sometime got the 3rd place in my class. And those achievement were a ticket for me to passed the test in university selection. But the most factor which sent me to passed the university selected was Pray. Hard Pray, Pray and Pray. Oh I forgot to tell that in the senior high school, I was a student who really really didn’t like about cheat. I try to did all my exam based on my personal capacity. Keep your honesty and keep integrity, Guys!

In short, I have been accepted to become a student in the best university in my country, which named Universitas Indonesia. Truly, this is a beyond expectation for me to accepted in this University. Previously, I  have a plan to registered in Airlangga University, which located in Surabaya and also categorized as the top 10 University in Indoesia, but I cancelled it because there were just few senior that study in there. And finally, I committed to registered in Universitas Indonesia, which high risk, because there were so many competitors, and even, I chose a major, management, which usually become a highest devotee in Indonesia.  But, my way to got this university as not smoothy as I tell you like now, I had been forbidden to got into university because financial reason, I remember that at that time, I got high pressure and stress. And I confess that it was not easy.

And finally now, I am pursuing my bachelor degree for management major in Universitas Indonesia. Here,  I got so many challenges and stuggless too. And its natural for every students that usually come from the territory to get compete in the urban area and in the best university. There are many kind of the struggles, from the cultural side, environments, habit and many more.

In my first year of study, I got high pressure especially from the cultural side and the way my friends behave to me. And fortunately it just not happen in me, but in another student especially from the territory too. This phenomena is not a thing that must be hidden again, because I think people usually know, and may be it is good if we categorized as public secret. The public Secret which I mean in this article is the cultural that students who come from territory usually not too got good behavior from the students which come from urban Area. And you must know guys that most of the students in Universitas Indonesia are come from Urban Area.  Simply, I really really felt it, when I felt that I have no friends, I did many things alone, like pray, went to canteen, study, went to class and so on. Those all actually made me stress, I felt there are no one want to friend with me. Unfortunately, those pressure effect to my education performance. I though that I was a student who is not too care about education, less spirit, I can’t saw how was students compete out there, and simply I felt isolated. I was not good in my education and my organization and so on, in my first years of study, and it was continued to the second year of study.

Until, I found the day which I make me miss myself as an active student, friendly, have many friends, and diligent as like as in my Senior High School. I want be back as the student like what I was in Senior High School. I realize that there are no benefit to become a passive student and still perceive that become a student which come from territory virtually didn’t got friend is a very bad and worst perception. I try to change, try to left out the negative perceptions and start to make new positive perception, and try to friendly, make my friend comfortable with me, show that I am caring with them, try to helping them and shows that I am a person with a good team work, and many more. And those all lead me to the new environment, a very comfortable and competitive environment. I have many friends, I can learn much things from them, I am proud that now there are many of them asked me to help them and asked to join their group or team and so on.

Simply, I just want to say that, negative perception and attitude won’t give benefit, the negative just give you a negative things. Be a positive person, show your ambition, do good and do best, have a good team work and have a leadership characters. Not too care about people perception which make you feel that you are nothing. Just do good and do best, with a good intention to. Make God as your primary intention,  make yourself and your family as the intention. Have a desire to give good impact to others, not spread negative impact to others but be inspiring.

Challenge yourself, focus, keep up your Ibadah. Be a very good person in front of God, and automatically you will be a good in front of human too.

Be brave, be ambitious, and give the dogged and damn efforts for everything you wants.

[eirosbraindump-blog]

BRAIN DUMP ENTRY #1

November 8, 2018

Thursday: around 10:30 in the morning

Hello, Joe!

It has been a long time since I called you that. Usually I would just slam words and feelings at you and have forgotten the reason why I named you Joe. i wanted to have someone whom I can always rely my stories to, and that is my journal, it is you Joe.

I wanted to have a friend whom I can trust the secrets of my life with, because as of now I don’t think I have one.

Side comment: Fuck, this is very unusual of me to do journaling early in the morning because most of the times I do this at night pero kailangan ko na magreflect. I need to do something productive because I think I’ve been wasting a lot of time.

______________________________________

Around almost 7 in the pm. Lol haha. Whut???

OKAAAAAAY, so it’s basically NOV. 9, I got distracted by movie watching yesterday and left this one hanging. I’m such a fool. I haven’t done anything productive and I’m pissed off with myself because even journaling, di ko matapos tapos. Sooooo yesterday I just watched a couple of movies (not that important) and then drowned myself on the internet, AGAIN.

Thoughts raging, scribbled memories and fucked up mind. That is basically who I am right now. I don’t even know what to write. I got a lot of thoughts going on in here.

I made iced oreo coffee btw. I’m proud, though i still have to perfect it. but I’m proud. Hehe

So back to my magulong sarili, I watched a movie a while ago. Crazy Rich Asians. It’s a good movie though, while watching that I have a lot going on in my mind. First, I got jealous with the girl because how can she be that lucky! Like oh my gosh Rachel, u got a crazy rich man like that who really loves you and then you only gonna turn him down! She is really a strong woman btw. Nick’s family hates her and she just got along with it. SECOND, arrrgh that movie made me feel how single I am and it made me miss my fckin ex-boyfriend AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH. As much as I wanted to forget that asshole, I can’t. because you know what? He gave me two years of happiness that I can’t just forget, bet nobody can do that to me, even my family. Though I appreciate them, every moment of my life I’ve loved my family especially my parents. But there’s just something with Kiko that really made me who I am today. When I met him it was like I finally knew who I really am. I found myself you know? I learned so much for the past two years that I’ve known him. It taught me so much lesson. Life taught so much. I became to appreciate little things because of him. Although I know that we’re not that lowkey to everyone but our treatment, the way we treat each other is kami lang ang nakakaalam at kami lang ang nakakaramdam. Damn you, kiko. I loved you. I really did love you so much it came to the point that it broke my heart really bad. I still love you up until now though, but I don’t think I’m in the right position to love u like I loved you the way I did before.

Kani-kanina lang, I’ve watched a video about journaling, I forgot the name of the girl but there’s this one thing that she said that I can’t forget (though she just re-quoted it, she’s really not the one who said that, I think.) “Forgiveness is the way/road to Happiness.” I don’t think that I have completely moved on yet, I’d just lie to myself if I said that I already did, but I don’t know if I have completely forgave you, and I know that I have been a bitch at times to you (on social media) and to your girl. But that girl is really being a lowclass obsessive bitch she’s really like nagpaparinig sakin na parang mas affected pa siya kesa sating dalawa. Aarrrghh. I cant just be happy for you yet. You really broke my heart Ching. Anyways, as I was saying, that girl on the video also said to write a letter of forgiveness to someone because it will help yourself to freeload your bothering thoughts. So I decided to do that, not just now because I cant promise myself (yet) that I won’t get affected just by seeing your random jejemon-ish pic with the girl i-was-once-got-jealous-into-but-you-said-to-me-don’t-because-she’s-just-a-friend-who-turned-out-to-be-your-girlfriend-today together with you.

Aside from hating and loving my ex at the same time, I have more randomly important life-related thought still going into my head like: what am I going to be after graduation? because I never saw myself being an employee. I don’t know, whenever I think of what am I gonna be, I just see me walking with confidence together with high-fashioned business clothes with high heels and sunglasses inside a random office building. Maybe I’m gonna be a ceo or something. Haha. And then there’s this purpose chorvaness of me. like, what is really my purpose in life ba? What is my actual calling? Am I gonna be like this forever?

Eiro, you know yourself better than anyone else. I can see who am I on the inside, but theres this one thing that I can’t see that people can see: who am I on the outside. Let me give you an example kung gaano kagulo ang personality ko (idk if personality is the right term but. . .) 1. Before sembreak came, I was like ‘oh I should do something productive on sembreak, like I should re-learn photoshop, read books, learn something new and blablabla.’ Some of that happened syempre kasi I was in the urge of reconstructing and discovering me diba? I re-learned Photoshop but I stopped when I got proud of the first project that I made. I didn’t even bother continuing the second project. And then I read a book naman although–haha, I stopped, I don’t know why pero gabi ko kasi binasa yun tapos kinabukasan I didn’t bother to touch it. I cant say that it’s the same old eiro kasi di naman ako ganito dati. You know what? I’ll be harsh to myself, I became a fucking ningas cugon na!

(break muna nandito na parent ko hehe)

Bello. It’s NOV 13 na and I can’t even get this fucking done. It’s around almost 10:30PM so maybe I’ll be like medj sabaw na hahahaha. But I need to get this done you know?

So many things have had happened this past days. Im afraid that my parents are losing their sparks for each other, and I don’t want to let that just fade, so I always make a way to remind them the reason why they stayed at each other’s side. My mum can be stubborn sometimes and my dad is a big pain in the head. Theyre both a pain in the head.

My relationship with kiko is a big blessing in disguise. Yung mga lesson na natutunan ko is naapply ko sa mga magulang ko. And I’m proud of what I did to both of them. I have so many problems in life and I don’t want my family to be one of them. Aside from my friends, sila na lang ang pinagkukunan ko ng lakas at ayoko naman na pati sila ay maging dahilan ng pagsuko ko. Lord please give me strength.

My parents are okay now. I guess the advices that i gave to them works. I love them so much and it hurts me whenever I see them into cold war.

So yesterday, I have this kwento. I dreamt of kiko. I dont want to forget that dream kaya I immediately get my phone and wrote down what happened. Here’s what I wrote:

“11/12/18 4:47am grudgy and sleepy. but idon wanna forget this dream that i had. i meed to write this i had a dream i was with kiko we are on the fx daw and we were standing i know right haha basta fx yun you know dreams are weird sa pagkakaalam ko we were going to sm north edsa and i was hugging him while standing. and he keeps giving me forehead kisses. puta namiss ko yun. pero may isa akong nagawang mali, binitawan ko siya. kumalas ako sa pagkakayakap sa kanya sa kadahilanang majudge ng mundo. were fckin doing pda on that ride. i hate myself for that. binitawan ko siya pota (nakuha tuloy ng iba). then i woke up. Lord, please stop giving me dreams like that. iniisip ko tuloy na sign siya or something. lalo po akong umaasa. please sana yung nangyari po na yun panaginip na lang na habang tumatagal nakakalimutan. i am happy Lord kasi having a relationship with kiko taught me so many lessons that i can say i already applied to some. i see it as a blessing in disguise. pero, how long will i keep hurting Lord?  -your broken daughter,Eiro.“

Yeah, I kinda forgot that ganyan pala yung mga sinulat ko.

Kiko having a girlfriend is a big slap on my face. I think I lowkey gonna accept pa if he broke up with me just to save the relationship, kaso hindi eh. Pinagpalit ako friend. Agad! Alam mo ba yung feeling na parang wala ka ng karapatan na mag selos at mangamusta man lang sa kanya kahit gusto mo kasi alam mong may nagmamayari na sa kanya? Yung parang ang only choice mo na lang is mag move on at parang wala ka na sa lugar masaktan? Though I’m really moving on, may mga times lang na pagdumadating yung mga dates na  ay kinalaman sa kanya is biglang bumabalik lahat ng sakit. All I have to do is wait for that day to be over. And it is so dumb of me because I didn’t even noticed that 4 fucking months have passed and the pain that I am feeling is the same like it just happened yesterday.

Anyways, you know I really need to stop talking about them no? kasi it’s bad for a moving on Eiro.

So It’s almost 11pm and this time is way passed my sleeping time. I just got a lot of brain dump going on that I need to write or else I think I’ll get crazy.

Kinakamusta ko lang naman yung sarili ko and I just really wanted to finsh this entry. And also I am requiring myself to reflect weekly, if not, monthly. Just so I see my improvements and how far I’ve come.

Another side story or cause di ko lang maisingit sa iba hahahah. I am so much thankful for my friends. They really helped me cope up with my problems and helped me get up in my broken situations.

And oh my gosh, nakakainis pala kasi Kiko is using our slangs when we were still a couple sa new gf niya. Like omg ang lame lang at nakakainis kasi. Di ko maexpress through sulat yung nararamdamn ko pero its like a big “PUTANGINA BAKIT?” to my face.

I know bashing them and ranting here are useless, pero kasi it helps me cope up with my problem. Kailangan ko lang mailabas to and to let myself believe that I’m the better one. Friends also said to me that the best revenge is to show them that you are not affected kasi pag pinakita mong apektado ka, ikaw yung talo. And to show kiko that you improved and that youre even happy without him is the best that you can give to him and to yourself.

Girl, I. AM. SERVING!!!

You got served mf a-hole together with your bitch! Jk I still care for you, Ching.

Oh right, shit. With these raging thoughts and feelings, I really need to write a letter to Kiko. Di nga lang yung letter of forgiveness hehe.

So I think that’s it for today, I still have a lot going on though. Hehe

- Confused Rose

[laviedepaloma]

My First post ever!

Where should I start....

It all began when I moved to SoCal...

My life wasn't going according to plan back in Texas. I had recently graduated from University and  I was a bit stuck helping my parents get their USA residency. The process of  helping my parents took 9 months and finally when they got their papers.. I felt relieved( I was finally able to move out and  find a job and start my professional career).

Little that I know it wasn't that easy. My first plan was to moved to Dubai .. but that didn't go so well. Not only because I couldn't find a job but I also didn't had enough money to  go and stay there and  find a job. I had spent so much money on going out and  helping a friend in need. I decided to stay in the US and get some experience  and maybe later on move to my so beloved  Dubai.

I met this guy online that lives in LA  and started talking to him almost everyday. He talked about how great California was and that it was a great place to live.. despite of  how expensive the cost of living is. I always loved California and it was a place I wanted to move when I graduated from High School... which also didn't happen because I was too young to be living by myself (according to my Dad).  I decided to apply to some jobs and visit California and see what my options were.

I visited LA twice and it wasn't until the second time I visited that I got a job. A job that wasn't exactly what I wanted. For starters the location wasn't in LA  it was actually in OC (Orange county) which is still a pretty cool place to live I have to admit.

That shitty Job was my only excuse to move because I no longer wanted to live in Texas. The next step  was to find a place to live.. after hours of searching  and investigating areas near my Job, I just couldn't find anything. OK here it goes...... but don't judge me, I went on Craigslist. Yup! Craigslist was my last resort and my only key to find something. I said to myself "How bad can it be, its worth the try" Lol. I am not gonna lie it wasn't easy but i founded a great place to live In Huntington Beach only 2 miles away from the beach at a great price( to be exact only $725 a month utilities included and  did I mention we have a pool!)  it was just unbelievable. The people reading this in SoCal please don't be jelly Haha. That's why we should never judge a book by its cover.. I didn't judge craigslist neither should you.. okay maybe just a little bit somethings can be super sketchy there I have to  admit. I was just lucky and now I really love the place where I live. The tenant and my roommates are great and I can't complain. The only thing is maybe I share a bathroom but that's about it...

Okay taking my story back to that time. I had finally found a place and I was so ready to go back to Texas pack all my things and move to SoCal. That's exactly what i did. Took the first plane back to Texas and  I started packing. Call me crazy but i drove from Texas all the way OC all by myself  hahaha. It took me a week  to pack   and exactly one day of driving if it wasn't because I stopped in Arizona to rest. When I finally got to LA I had all that weekend to sleep  and rest before I started my job on Monday.

My Job literally sucked no joke... It was the worst job I ever had. I was working 12 to 14 hrs a day  for  only minimum wage (commission base only) . I had no time for myself I had weekends off  and they were begging me to work on Saturdays like for real? This wasn't explained to me when  I got interviewed which was so unprofessional...I did knew the kinda job  that I was doing . I only wanted an excuse to move out.  A month passed and i was slowly getting tired of this job ... you may be thinking a Month and tired of the job already .. Well yes! It sucked that much... In march  I went on a business trip for the job.. and in that trip i decided to quit  i wasn't getting enough money and management was so rude and inconsiderate to their employees. I had no benefits no 401k ... nothing. I was talking to my sister that night  that I decided I was gonna quit once the trip was over  and one of my coworkers overheard that I was telling her  that and that I  also had a job interview that coming Monday.. Next thing one of the managers called me and asked me if everything was okay and i said, Yes everything is fine. She then said, "so why you want to quit' and i was like who said i wanted to quit?????? I overheard she said..  she was  far from me the only one that could have said anything was  my  coworker who  I realized was a snitch.......  Then my manager said  I also overhead you have job interview on Monday. I felt threaten  by her and I told her, yes I do is there a problem.. I am allowed to do it.  There is no words to express how unprofessional this was. To the point that she even said we are sending all of you back home when the week wasn't even finished. We still had more day of work there!  Thankfully I was only 3 hours far from my home, So I drove back home that Friday night and on Saturday I wrote my resignation letter. In a way it had to happen this way because it open my eyes that I was being exploited by this company. There is so many things to go on detail about this but I will not go into it ...You can already see it sucked!

I had no friends since this job consumed me a lot.  I did had friend who would call me occasionally and he was I guess the only person I could talk about what happen and my life. He is the kind of person who would talk to me for a long period of time and then he would disappear for also a long period of time. I haven't talk to him in like a month.. So he is not a reliable friend. I was without a job for about 3 weeks to be exact. In those 3 weeks I focused on finding another job. I had several job interviews and no luck. I was nervous and desperate for a job.. You know I have bills to pay everyone does. The only thing that saved me was my tax return.. and  I thank God for that.  I went into old habits of talking to strangers online on a virtual chat that I used to use a long time ago. I believe that kind of helped me to distract myself and talk to people since I had absolutely no friends. I met cool people that I talk to now and its been great so far.  During that time I also met a girl that lives near me and now we are good friends.. I enjoy hanging out with her a lot.

The third week I finally got a call from a recruiter. She had found me a good job. I did the interview and in less than a week I had a job already. Things just started to fall into place and I was finally getting my life back. I forgot to mentioned while I was unemployed I decided to become a vegetarian and its been a great month without meat. I feel amazing! I am not saying I will never eat meat again but I can definitely say we don't need meat in our systems.

For now I dedicate my time to getting the best out of life and to be a better person.  I feel like my life has just started and that definitely this chapter will be a good one. Moving to another state wasn't easy at the beginning but now  I feel blessed and I know many good things will come my way. I miss my family back in Texas but I know my Dad is proud of me and that was my initial goal in moving out. I really wanted to show him that i can be independent and that I am grown woman. Even though I miss Texas I know  living there wasn't for me. I love California specially the surf city I live in. :)

This is my first post ever ..I will try to post twice a week so wait for my other posts coming out soon! I have a topic that I think some people,  specially women can relate to.

OH! btw writing is not my strongest....so don't judge me if my grammar isn't the best lol

The End...