#oh god this is the year of the yodelling i forgot about that oh no

[grunge-mermaid]

is this just normal post-swedish eurovision or is 2017 unusually terrible?

[greenerteacups]

hi GT! 🩷 just finished devouring the last update, i'm living for this marriage of impending doom brought by the unspeakable dolores umbridge, and the lovelae reminder of how i cannot ever miss high school, brought about by that lovely scene in the great hall! god forbid hermione stay near draco's kneecaps again 😭

anyway, i wanted to share an excerpt from book three, that remains–to this day –my favorite passage from your masterpiece. at the risk of oversharing, i lost my mum a few years ago. these lines reminded me of our complicated, but still very much full-of-love relationship. i also think, if i may, this is the last interaction between narcissa and draco before the themes grow darker. and you did follow this up with the loveliest tribute to narcissa malfoy i have ever read, with your opening swan song that came as the first chapter of book four. anyway, thanks for helping me deal with my grief, GT 🩷 from the bottom of my heart, you are a blessing to your readers and i hope you know that 🥹

– from the final chapter of book three –

“Mother, I really would prefer you cut to the quick and gouge my ears off. This is cruelty.”

“But you understand, darling, don’t you? And you will be careful?”

“I’m always careful,” he said, stung, “and — anyway, I’m a Malfoy. I can do as I like.”

“I’m sure you can,” she said quietly.

This had the effect of a bludger to the back of the head, when he had been expecting one to come from the front.

“What do you mean?”

“Oh, you’re tall,” she said. “I forgot how tall boys get, at your age. We have to get you new robes, your ankles are showing, it’s an affront to the family. I’m sure the tailor is still open. What do you think? A quick run to Diagon Alley, and then dinner in London? We can even catch a show, afterward, if you’d like.”

“I’m flattered that you bother to ask me, as if you didn’t buy out a box last week.”

“Aha! You caught me. I wanted an evening with my special boy. You must escort me to Azkaban, for my terrible crimes.”

He sighed and let her take his arm. “Just the first act.”

She patted his wrist. “Oh, the first two, darling. The first two, surely. Everyone knows the first act is only setting the stage for Act Two.”

“Just two, then, and no more. I’m dead tired from the train, and I haven’t the patience for yodeling men in tights.”

“Yes, two, of course. Goodness gracious, will any of these bellhops deign to take your trolley, or shall I have to Summon one from the States? I hardly recognize this place, it’s so overrun. Hello? Yes, you, there — do you imagine my son ought to carry this himself?”

They would be there through the very last note, for certain, but his mother would manage it slowly, in increments — “Oh, darling, just ten more minutes, until this progression resolves” — and he would be dead on his feet by the time the last one finished. Narcissa could be neither outwitted nor outlasted in a contest of wills. That was alright, though. The intermission would give him time to catch up on Runes. And if he finished that, he could get started on his first letter: Dear Granger. It’s a lovely evening, here at the Royal Wizarding Opera, and I regret to inform you of your impending defeat. I will accept tribute by way of praise, tears, and long-form odes to my brilliance, which you may submit by owl post with your next letter…

It was a mild, soft blue evening, and Wizarding London lay under a silver film of smoke and industrial blear. The streetlamps blazed like the flare of Lumos on the rows of a hundred black wand-tips. Somewhere out in that long dark forest of chimneys, there was a girl with her Runes textbook balanced open on her lap, reading furiously. And somewhere in the Scottish highlands, there was a castle waiting for him to come home.

–

Your comment really spoke to me. I hope that in your grieving process you receive all the compassion, time, and patience you need to move forward and be well. It's an incredible compliment to have provided a resource for such a loss. There's so much I want to say about Narcissa and Draco, but I'm going to hold myself back and let the rest of Book 5 play out, and hopefully that will speak for me better than I can here. Anyway, my kindest wishes to you, and thank you for reaching out. It means more than you know.

[painless-innit-colourful]

OKAY! Here's my full commentary of the night, from two middle aged unmarried women, a young sapphic that wasn't really watching, and me, the only person in the room that has watched Eurovision before. We're all performers (one former professional dancer, one dance teacher at university, one student dance teacher, and one singer in training) and we had some... opinions. Okay, let's go!

Cyprus: Bad Romance, if it was sung by Shakira with added yodelling.

Albania: SHE'S GOT GAS (lmaooo Graham Norton mentioned flatulence during the postcard and it ruined us).

Israel: Quite a bop, though that girl did not have legs, she had sticks. (Also the dancer on the front left had pulled his calf by the end lmao.) Thought it was an ironic choice of song name for the country that's been bombing Palestine.

Belgium: Too angsty for Eurovision.

Russia: Brilliantly wacky - very Eurovision. We in the living room are slightly worried for their safety after tonight. Awesome.

Malta: OH YEAHH, THAT BANGED. That's a Top 40 in the UK for sure. That's the living room favourite for now.

Portugal: "I don't know where I belong-" "I'm from the deep south." "Of Portugal."

Serbia: "This is like when three... Unmarried women in their 40s are drunk on New Year's Eve and go: 'Hey, what if we did Eurovision?'" / "Destiny's Inappropriate Auntie." (thanks Graham.)

UK: Alright (definitely better than our last one), but we spent most of our watch session talking about how my aunt literally taught one of the dancers two years ago.

Greece: WE SPENT MOST OF THE SONG TALKING ABOUT THOSE DANCERS. THE AR DIDN'T QUITE WORK 100% LMAOOO. Also her catsuit? Impeccable. That's a Bond girl right there.

Switzerland: We had so much to say about that one. It sounded like Writing's On The Wall. It looked like performance art. It was shot like a Bond opening. Then he started WIGGLING. AND HIS SHADOW MADE HIM LOOK LIKE HE HAD A MULLET.

Iceland: WE WANT THEM TO WIN. THAT WAS SO GOOD. THAT WAS SATIRE. I WANNA GO TO THE PUB WITH THEM. THAT WAS AWESOME. "How does it keep getting better" HOW ABOUT YOU TELL ME!!!

Spain: Ah. A 6 metre moon. We were hoping for a staging malfunction.

Moldova: Learn some Breath Control lady. Also those backing dancers were the best part. One of them looked like Michael McIntyre.

Germany: Good LORD. That was the cheesy filler song from a musical, with the addition of a hand near constantly giving everyone the finger.

Finland: YOOOOOOO. Okay. That was like, incredibly ironic to say they weren't allowed to put their middle fingers up after what just happened in Germany... Lmao. Anyway! That was awesome. Did you see the audience? They were going crazy. So were we. Hope that wins. Living room favourite.

Bulgaria: Pretty staging. Pretty lady. Pretty voice. Ehhhhh song.

Lithuania: AYYYE. THAT WAS TOO MUCH FUN. The choreography was terrible, in the absolute best way. We loved that, a lot.

Ukraine: Ukrainian folk rave. An unexpected bop. No idea what was happening with the visuals. Why did she murder Orville.

France: Very nice song, always love the sound of the French language. We spent three minutes talking about why we dislike the French.

Azerbaijan: Great song. We spent two minutes trying to remember the name of Little Mix song I always sing "My lemons" to the chorus.

Norway: EXCELLENT SONG. However, we could see why Graham Norton said not to look at the screen. Good GOD what was that choreography. Who's idea was the devils.

Netherlands: Kinda forgot what nation that was: some great African influences. Anyway, tonight the 80s reign supreme. Why they were dressed like airline staff, I don't know.

Italy: Very glam rock. We spent a minute talking about Estonia's entrant from last time.

Sweden: Oh, that was so cool. That was the kinda song I can imagine hearing on the music channel in a hotel room where it's the only channel in English. That guy could go mainstream.

San Marino: WHY IS FLO RIDA HERE (still don't like San Marino after their dentist beat us last time).

[blissedoutphil]

Knick-Knacks

scatter-brain-at-work:

They did their house together.. Prompts on buying cute knick knacks for their forever home?

Thank you for your prompts! Combined these 2 to make this lil fic to start the year, hope you all enjoy! :) Also, I’ve been here 4 years and still have the hardest time thinking up a title smh

1855 words of fluff & kisses uwu

or read on ao3!

“What are you doing?”

Phil felt the sofa dip next to him before his brain registered what Dan said, too focused on his laptop.

“You’re supposed to help pack,” Dan grumbled.

Phil gave a non-committal hum, earning himself a poke on the arm.

“Ow!” he glared at the object that jabbed his arm.

“If you don’t help me sort all the shit out, I’m gonna throw them all away,” Dan threatened, waving the pickle in his hand and pointing it at Phil threateningly.

“Not my yodelling pickle!” Phil tried to snatch the item from Dan, offended that Dan could even suggest such a thing.

Dan couldn’t help chuckling at Phil making grabby hands, all attempts at being stern gone. He glanced over at Phil’s laptop.

“I swear to god, Phil.”

“What? Don’t you think this is cute? I think we should-”

“If you buy it. I swear to god I’m gonna find the CEO of Wish and beg him to ban you from their website.”

Phil blinked at Dan in shock for a moment, before a smirk crept on his lips.

“Then I’ll just find stuff on Firebox instead.”

“Phil!” Dan yelled indignantly, “we’re supposed to be getting rid of stuff, not adding on to our pile of crap!! What happened to a ‘fresh start’? Didn’t we settle on minimalism? I’m not having yet another Useless Box on our shelves! I thought we agreed that having a clean space is-”

Phil giggled throughout Dan’s rant, unable to take Dan seriously with the way he was waving the pickle around while he monologued. He let Dan go off and patiently waited for his turn to finally speak.

“Yes I know I have a problem,” Phil admitted, “I promise I’ll help get rid of shit, but... you gotta agree with me that we need a new talking fridge pig?!”

“Our fridge pig is doing just fine,” Dan declared.

Phil sighed and leaned back into the sofa, staring at Dan. A small smile crept on his face.

“What?” Dan asked suspiciously.

Phil continued to just look at him. With the soft smile on his face and his wide adoring eyes like he’d never been happier in his life than in this moment when they were arguing about adding talking miniature animals for their refrigerator.

“Oh no,” Dan shook his head, despite feeling warmth bloom in his chest, “you’re not getting your way with your silly puppy dog eyes.”

“I wasn’t even doing anything!” Phil whined in protest, but his smile grew wider. And the warmth in Dan’s chest spread up to his cheeks.

“Okay okay,” Phil conceded, “I won’t get our poor lonely fridge pig a friend...”

Dan knew there was a condition before Phil even continued. He jabbed Phil’s arm with the dreadful pickle.

Phil giggled, Dan knew him too well. But he continued anyway.

“If I can get my dinosaur lamp a friend.”

Dan stared at him incredulously. Phil giggled even harder at Dan’s reaction, and switched tabs on his laptop to show Dan the triceratops figurine he found.

Phil’s eyes were still on his laptop when Dan attacked his side with the pickle.

“Hey!” Phil squeaked, but it tickled more than caused any hurt. And Phil couldn’t stop the high-pitched laugh that followed.

Dan poked him again, and grabbed his hands that came to protect his side.

“I’m gonna tickle you with this pickle if you don’t stop trying to fill our new house with useless things,” Dan threatened, going to poke Phil’s other side and making Phil squirm under his grasp.

“Dan stop,” Phil said in between laughter, attempting to free his wrists from Dan’s grasp and save his laptop from sliding off his lap.

“Not until you promise,” Dan persisted, moving the laptop to the couch before he started to full on tickle the side of Phil’s ribs, “to stop going on Wish!”

“If you don’t stop,” Phil struggled to speak, “I WILL buy those things!”

Phil was wheezing, feeling out of breath as he struggled under Dan’s relentless fingers. Dan was already sitting on his lap, effectively trapping him underneath with no escape. He tried freeing his hands from Dan’s, but Dan was somehow stronger.

Dan was sniggering along too, almost like he forgot why he started it and was just enjoying having Phil at his mercy. The yodelling pickle rolled off and onto the floor, forgotten.

There was only one solution, Phil thought, and he wasted no time. He craned his neck up and kissed Dan.

Dan groaned, but he couldn’t resist kissing back. At once, his tickling slowed. He was never good at multi-tasking if Phil was kissing him, and Phil knew it. He pulled back quickly.

“Nuh-uh, you’re not gonna distract me like that,” Dan chided, giving Phil a deserved poke.

“But that will distract me from Wish,” Phil puckered his lips, “better than the pickle tickles!”

Dan narrowed his eyes. He lets Phil get his way too much. But Phil knows exactly how to make Dan give in to him, and Dan doesn’t mind after all. Phil was still puckering his lips up at him, eyes wide and inviting.

So, with Phil’s wrists still in his grasp to be sure that Phil wouldn’t take revenge on him, he gave in and kissed Phil.

Phil’s fingers twitched with the need to touch Dan, so he compensated by kissing Dan harder, licking into him when Dan parted his lips. Dan was leaned backwards by the sheer force of Phil kissing him.

“You know what would stop me from going on Wish?” Phil muttered when they finally broke their kiss.

“Stealing your laptop and phone?” Dan deadpanned.

“No,” Phil smirked, barely able to contain his laughter before he even made his joke, “if you tickled my pickle.”

Dan’s mouth fell, rendered speechless by Phil’s humour, “I-”

Phil couldn’t even breathe he was laughing so hard, so delighted by his own joke.

Dan huffed in disbelief at what he just had to hear.

“Just for saying that, you’re not getting anything more!”

Phil knew Dan was feigning being offended since the corners of his mouth turning up gave him away.

Dan released his grip of Phil’s wrist to grab the yodelling pickle from the floor to throw it at Phil, but it was a mistake he should’ve seen coming. In an instant, Phil’s fingers were attacking his sides and reducing him to a squirming mess of laughter.

“Okay how about if I tickled your pickle?” Phil suggested in the most serious tone he could muster while poking Dan’s tummy.

“Stop saying pickle!!” Dan yelled in between breathless laughter.

Phil didn’t give him a chance to breathe at all. When he finally stopped the tickles he was back to kissing Dan.

“But I asked so nicely,” Phil persuaded, twitching his legs to get Dan off of him.

Dan shook his head fondly, getting up and pulling Phil up with him.

“Promise you won’t add more crap to our already huge pile of crap,” Dan murmured, walking backwards as he continued pulling Phil away from the couch and to their bedroom.

“Promise,” Phil answered, coming so close that Dan could feel his breath against his lips.

“And-” Dan abruptly paused when his heel hit a box on the floor. He carefully moved aside, still manoeuvring his way backwards.

“And promise to stop being on your laptop and help me with clearing all this mess! Just look!” Dan gestured to the minefield of boxes all over their apartment.

“I promiseeee,” Phil dragged out, chasing Dan’s lips to catch them between his own.

In hindsight, it was probably a bad idea for them both not to look where they were going. On the way to the room, the back of Dan’s legs hit about three boxes. Fortunately, Phil’s firm hold on his waist kept him from losing balance.

“Ohmygod-” Phil gasped, breaking their kiss when he almost slipped on some bubble wrap.

Dan laughed, finally it was Phil’s turn to trip up. But they were still going strong, almost reaching the bedroom already.

Their bedroom was bare besides the bed and one bedside drawer. And the miscellaneous crap on the floor that Dan was painstakingly sorting into ‘Throw’ or ‘Keep’ piles. And two empty boxes for the piles that he brought in before finding Phil chilling on the couch looking at Wish of all things.

In the heat of their moment, Dan had forgotten all about the piles on the floor. Phil continued walking Dan to the bed, his fingers already at the hem of Dan’s tshirt, ready to pull it off at any moment.

It all happened so fast that Phil had no time to catch Dan this time. He barely knew what happened; one moment he was mouthing at Dan’s jaw, and the next moment there was a loud thump as Dan left his grasp, a hurt noise from Dan, and a random metal ball rolling away from Dan’s foot.

“Wha-” Phil said, confused.

Dan groaned from the floor.

Phil reached his hands out to pull Dan up, brows knitted in confusion and worry.

“Why do you even have that ball?!” Dan griped as he got up with Phil’s help.

“I don’t even remember getting that,” Phil answered, finally taking in their surroundings.

The ‘Throw’ pile was strewn all around after Dan landed on it, with many items making their way to the ‘Keep’ pile.

“Fuck,” Dan lamented, “Now I gotta go through the pile again.”

“I’m sorry,” Phil felt guilty seeing all the things from his impulse buying habit.

He held Dan delicately like Dan was fragile, but also firmly like Dan could fall again at any moment. He gently sat Dan down on the bed.

“I promise I’ll help,” Phil said, more sincerely this time.

He immediately sat on the floor and looked at the ‘Throw’ pile - or what was left of it - wondering where to even begin.

“So all it took was for me to fall on my ass for you to help,” Dan remarked sarcastically, but he smiled when Phil looked at him apologetically.

Dan slid off the bed and joined Phil on the floor.

“No more tickling of pickles?”

Phil chuckled, but he shook his head.

“After I help you clear what you’ve started.”

Dan smiled, happy that Phil was finally helping, and they slowly went through the mess together.

--------------

“Hey! You were gonna get rid of the cactus magnets?! How could you!!”

Dan shook his head in defeat. They’d already debated on whether to keep or throw - no, yeet, as Phil had insisted to call it - five other things prior.

“Maybe I should’ve done this on my own after all,” he sighed, “we’re never gonna be done.”

“Oh we’re gonna be done alright! There’s still unfinished pickle business after this!” Phil said with conviction.

Phil would never tell Dan that he thought Dan was a bad actor, because no matter how much Dan sounded annoyed or upset with Phil, he could never wipe the fond smile off his face.

“Fine we’ll yeet the magnets,” Phil sighed, before quietly adding, “I already bought new ones from Wish anyway.”

“Phiill!”

[multitudinus-a-blog]

BIG FAT ENDGAME POST

MAJOR SPOILERS BELOW THE CUT

so a majority of this is just going to be me yodeling out of my own asshole because i’m literally going fucking feral and have been for about three straight hours and i’ve literally cried myself to the point of almost fainting from dehydration anyways y’all been warned lmao

TONY FU GUKING CLAPPED BACK H A R D IN THE BEGINNING THE W A Y BOB DOWNEY JUS FUCKIGN WENT FOR THAT WHOLE FUCKING SCENE MEATY AS F  U C K ON MYG GYOD the way he said liar had me going into a damn near conniption fit rIGHT THERE

starting the movie off with jeremy renner and giving a shit about hawkeye in the movie.......big fat n*ce

SOMEHOW I FORGOT HE WAS MARRIED TO VELMA DINKLEY 

linda cardelini is so incredibly valid i caNT

 S C  C  OT T

HOLY FCUK

PAUL RUDD FUCKIGN FLEXED HUH

WHEN HE’S SEARCHIGN FOR CASSIE’S NAME IN THE GRAVEYARD YALL I ABOUT SHIT A B R I C K

‘ anyone seen a piece of shit van??? ’ 

so anyways when scott reunites with cassie and finds out that she’s grown up in the five years its been i coiuldn’t stop thinking of my own dad and that got even worse when tony goes out into the woods on his n pep’s lil lakeside cabin the way he’s interacting with mORGAN

MORGAN FUC VGKIN STARK

‘ mommy sent me to come rescue you ’ IM SO

GOD HIS FACE WHEN THEY SHOW UP TO HIS FUCKING HOUSE GOD I LVOE HIM

scott is DOING HIS BEST

‘ it’s nOT....like time traVEl its..........ok that’s exactly what it is ’ YFODSAUFDSKALL IDIOT i lov u

scott actually having MAJOR anxiety and being nervous, the way he paces, getting lost, speech patterns, ugH

am i even gonna be able to finish this post??? PROBABLY NOT

im literally already emotional all over again jsut thinking about it

god tony rly said fuck thanos rights 

steve rogers rly earned my respect in the course of this movie and that is one HELL of an uphill battle god bless america’s ass

that was just robert staring at evans’ ass for the hell of it dont lie to me there was NO ACTING REQUIRED

HULK MESH BRUCE IM SO!!!!!!!!!!!

thor was fuckgin beautifully done bc he’s fuckgin depressed and dealing with the repercussios of being a failure and id die for him oh mgyoD???!?!?! let him play fortnite shut the fuck up

as soon as bruce mentions thanos’ name you see how fuckign broken thor really is and i Felt That

THE WAY BRUCE SPEAKS TO THOR IS SO IMPORTANT ABOUT HOW MUCH HE VALUES HIM AND HOW MUCH MERIT HE HAS AND IM JUST A BIG FAT FUCKIGN MESS OVER JUST THE INTERACTIONS IN HIS LIL NEW ASGARD CABIN

ALSO TONY AND NEBULA PLAYING GAMES AND HIM TEACHING HER HOW TO AND ABT SPORTSMANSHIP AND WHEN SHE PROPS HIM UP WHEN HES SLEEPING AND PROBABLY THINKING HES GONNA DIE AND ACCEPTING THAT UNTIL CAROL SHOWS UP

THAT SHIT HURTED

i literally cant fuckgin procss everything that happened there was so fuc f gkin much

“““““““howard potts”““““““

PEPPER DID THAT DID THAT

IF Y’ALL EVER LEAVE PEPPER OUT OF SHIT AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD I’LL END YOU MY FUC GKIN SELF

HOLY FUCK SHE WAS SO POWERFUL

UGH

WE STAN THE MARVEL QUEEN S

strange making direct eye contact with tony and tony fucking k n e w

in conclusion tony stark was, is, and always will be the absolute heart of the marvel cinematic universe we know and not even his death can change that

avengers Actual Literal Inarguable Proof That Tony Stark Has A Heart endgame

sAM!!! GETTING!!!! TO BE!!!! CAP!!!!! GOD!!!!! THATS WHAT I DESERVE

wong being the absolute LEGEND he is for like FIVE WHOLE SECONDS OF ME LOVING HIM IRREVOCABLY

jeremy renner getting the fucking respect he deserves lord in heaven i love clint barton so fuckgin mjuch dond tfuc gkin touc  h me

say what u want abt scarjo but my god she DID THAT did that

BRUCE REALIZING NATASHA WAS GONE MY ABSOLUTE H E A R T

I COULTN TELL FROM THE GIFS IF TONY WAS THE ONE SAYING HUH THIS IS NICE WHEN HE HUGGED PETER BC HONESTLY IT CAN GO BOTH WAYS AND FRANKLY THEY KILLED ME

peter saying tony

i want to fucking die

im taking legal custody of morgan edwin antoinette baby girl stark 

please watch this movie i’m literally beggin gyou

[captainsimagines]

RENT - Part 6

In which eight old friends in dire need move in together for one year. 

Warnings: language; mentions of drug overdose; mentions of drugs; PTSD; Bucky being stupid lol

Word Count: 4,800+

A/N: Is this a late AS FUCK update or what? I'm sorry, but writer’s block is a bitch. Enjoy, babes.

PART SIX

Natasha - “Tango: Natasha”

(5) (7)

TEN YEARS AGO

“I just... need some time for myself.”

Steve shuffled slightly on the hot concrete, head down and face somber. The extra heat this spring made soccer practice that much more difficult. Although, Natasha’s words added a foreign heat within his chest- one that he chose to ignore.

He didn’t want to look Natasha in the eyes because if he knew himself, he would break down sobbing in the middle of the quad. But surprisingly, he held it together and managed to look up for once, taking in her purple highlights mixed in somewhere with all that blonde, just blazing in the spring sunlight. 

“Do you want to talk about it?” he replied, interlocking his fingers with hers for the last time. Natasha stuttered over her next few words, pulling her hand back and giving Steve an equally devastating grin.

“Alone, babe.”

He didn’t want to fight and he didn’t want to pressure her. All he could think about was Sam’s constant blabbering about love and how it never works. ‘If you love something or someone, let it free!’ Sam would cry, making his words even more dramatic with the sound effects he would include. Gunshots, bell noises, yodeling- literally anything you can think of to make Sam even more annoying than he already was.

But Steve ignored his inspirational words, letting go of Natasha physically but not emotionally.

Natasha stood from the playground bench and dusted herself off. “You understand, right?”

No, he didn’t.

“Yeah. Some time apart might do us good.”

With an almost unnoticeable nod, Natasha walked away and left Steve to ponder about what the hell just happened. Two years they had dated and Natasha woke up one morning calling it quits. Steve knew she must have had her reasons, but he forgot to ask what they were.

With a broken heart and a wad of cash in one hand, Natasha sprinted down the alleyway looking for a familiar face. Checking to see if the coast was clear, she jumped up and held onto the balcony railing, pulling herself up and unlocking the bedroom window. On the inside sat a couple men in a circle, each rolling up their own specialty treat.

“Where’s Scott?” Natasha asked, avoiding eye contact at all possible costs.

No one responded, but one man pointed through the doorway and resumed his work. Natasha followed instructions, heading through the wooden, swinging doors. Once in, she saw the man she bargained with almost every week.

“I’ve got his money,” Natasha sighed, holding up the cash and stuffing her free hand in her pocket. Scott looked up from his paperwork and hummed, holding his hand up in the air so Natasha could throw it.

“Think he’ll have the rest ready by next week?” Scott asked, putting the money in a nearby drawer.

“He’d be lucky to have half.”

Scott chuckled and leaned back in his chair. “I’m sorry you have to do this for him.”

Natasha gave a nonchalant shrug, struggling to hide her true feelings about the whole situation. “He’s my dad. If I can’t get him off the needle then the least I can do is make sure he doesn’t go into massive debt.”

Scott opened another drawer and threw Natasha a new iPod, with new headphones and everything. “For all your hard work.”

Natasha rolled the gift over in her hands and sighed deeply, “You don’t have to.”

Scott held his hand up, “Don’t even mention it. You deserve so much more. Now go, before the scum of the operation show up.”

Natasha always took that advice, leaving from the same window she climbed through to get in. And every single time she left Scott to run his business to enter her own reality, Natasha wanted to scream. She wanted to scream and run away, tell you, Sam, Bucky... Steve!- about everything she had to fix and suffer with everyday after school.  

Ironically, the entrance into her own reality allowed her to finally scream once she opened her father’s bedroom door to let him know she got home safely, that she was heartbroken over Steve and wanted to talk, that she had dealt with his debt and would most likely take care of it next month as well. Rolling him over and slapping him repeatedly did nothing- shaking him and yelling did nothing- and when she dragged his limp body from his messy bed and removed his clothing to submerge him in the freezing tub water, it did nothing. So, she called 911 and sat on the closed toilet seat while watching her father’s index finger twitch every so often, his eyeballs brushing alongside his thin blue eyelids as if he were peacefully dreaming.  

TEN YEARS LATER

Steve stumbled out of bed, stretching his sore muscles and cracking almost every bone. Looking over at the clock he noticed it was only six in the morning, December 24th, early as shit.  

He wrapped a blanket around his shoulders before standing from his bed to walk to the bathroom, eyes closed halfway and body sagging. Without thinking twice because let’s face it, he has only had roommates for three days now, he pushed open the bathroom door to take his morning piss. 

 “Oh my god!”  

Steve tumbled to the ground at the sudden yell, scrambling across the floor to find some sort of balance. “I am so sorry!” 

You held the towel close to your wet body, an expression of surprise and absolute mortification etched into your sleepy face. You rushed to the door to close it, to slam it in the pervert’s face, but you were quickly met with another tired individual who rubbed at his eyes in order to make sure he was seeing what he was really seeing. Except this individual- the exact individual responsible for your perplexed state- ran in with a handgun held high.  

“What’s going on?”  Bucky’s yells of confusion and Steve’s cries of “Bucky! Fuck! Bucky, put that shit down!” coupled with your outbursts of curses as well. You shielded your face, as if that was going to stop a bullet, and Steve just held onto the side of the door, looking in between you and the scared veteran.  

“Boy, if you don’t-“ Sam stumbled in, yawning until he noticed Bucky’s current weapon in hand. “Oh, hell!”  

It was a funny scene, a rather comical one, one that neither one of you would ever forget, but it caused mayhem. Two men cowering on the floor, you gripping onto the sink both angry and terrified, and Bucky just being... Bucky? No, he wasn’t in that moment because his sudden approach to the whole situation was a bit overdone and exaggerated. That was saying something- running in with a loaded handgun, and all. 

All of you fiddled with your fingers and knocked your knees together, avoiding eye contact with the one and only Peggy Carter.  

She stood there with her arms crossed, her left foot tapping, and her eyebrows raised in an almost comical sense. “Well?” 

It was silent for a second, just for a bloody second, before Steve spoke and if he had known any better, he would have realized that his input wasn’t really needed. “I didn’t even know Y/N was here...” 

The three of you facepalmed. You could literally feel Peggy’s cheeks redden in absolute anger.  

“Okay... let’s get one thing straight,” Peggy started, pacing slowly from one side of the room to the other. You were sat in between Steve and Sam, normal clothes on now, hiding your face in your hands. “Why is there a gun in the apartment?” 

You all looked at Bucky. He cleared his throat and shrugged. “Ex-vet.”  

Peggy’s face seemed to change dramatically, almost as if she understood the obvious struggle. “I understand... but Bucky, I have to ask- why was your first instinct to pull out your gun?”  

Bucky looked to the floor, “Like you said, it’s an instinct.”  

Steve shuffled slightly, changing the focus for Bucky’s sake. “Why did no one tell me Y/N was here?”  

“Dude, you got home at like... two,” Sam answered. You decided to finally speak up.  

“I needed a place to crash for a couple of nights. Only until I get this creep to stop following me home.”  

Bucky was about ready to pull his gun again, obviously forgetting it was in the hands of the ex-cop. “Some guy is following you?” 

You brushed off his surprise, “It’s fine. Luke’s got it covered.”  

Sam almost flew off the couch, “Ooo! Who’s Luke?”  

Answering for you, Steve waved his hands. “Co-worker who could beat all of ours asses... at once.”  

“Alright,” Bucky fist-bumped. “I trust this, Luke!”  You rolled your eyes and stood from the couch.

“Yeah, and I also have to head to work.”  

“Woah, this early in the morning?” Sam asked.  You sighed and went to grab your backpack. “Lunch time is when we get the most customers. Working during that time is considered a freaking privilege.” 

It was silent again and no one knew what else to say. You pulled on your coat and grabbed your gym bag, looking over the people standing in the below-freezing living room. 

“Um... do you guys want me to pick up dinner?”

With a couple shrugs and slight mumbles, you nodded your head and sighed. Ducking your head to the floor, you quickly left the apartment with a heavy weight on your shoulders- the weight obviously resembling unspoken feelings about everything. It wasn’t love, it wasn’t jealousy- it was just so uncomfortable.

“Get up,” Wanda said, slamming the fluffiest pillow she could find onto Natasha’s back. “You have work, babe!”

Natasha groaned and rolled over, tucking her hornet’s-nest of bed hair underneath the mountain of pillows on the king-sized bed. 

“Babe, if you’re late again I don’t think I could convince your boss to let you keep your job.”

“Okay,” Natasha drawled out, rolling over and over until her leg hung off the side of the bed. “I’ll be right there.”

“Alright.” Wanda scurried across the bedroom, putting on her earrings and stepping into the high heels she had recently bought. “I’ll see you at dinner?”

Natasha finally rolled off the bed, still wrapped in the duvet and warm as a child on Christmas. “Yeah, definitely.”

Multi-tasking. That’s what Natasha does best. With a dead-end job and poor income from her side, Natasha felt as though her love for Wanda was all she had to offer. She loved her, with all her heart, and if that meant suffering while making hundreds of copies of a single sheet of paper and texting Scott about the money she just acquired, then so be it. 

Natasha struggled to leave that part of her life behind but the sudden rush it would give her was just too addicting and every time she brought home a little extra dough, Wanda would smile. And not one those, ‘I haven’t seen you all day, let’s go to bed’ smiles, but the one that clearly illustrates compassion and acknowledgment. She was trying, and Wanda realized that. 

No, Wanda did not know about Natasha’s side business- no one did nor will anyone ever know.  She no longer aided in her father’s downfall, but she did it for herself. Deal with purpose, Natasha would say, sneaking through every dark alley in New York City with her key positioned in between her index and middle finger. 

“Are the copies almost finished?” T’Challa asked, walking into the copy room to check on his new proposal. Natasha hummed her response, handing him the fifty copies she had already piled up. 

“Will you be taking an early lunch break as well, today?”

Natasha shrugged and answered with a quiet ‘sure’, giving T’Challa the last of the copies. 

Lunch breaks for Natasha consisted of two things: actual lunch and a drug deal almost always going right. It was the rarest occurrence for a drug deal to go horribly wrong, the only instance being when Natasha had to stab some guy in the neck to get him to leave her alone. But Scott didn’t mind, he really didn’t- the less of those crooked men buying his drugs, the better. A weird drug dealer Scott was, but that’s what made him the best and it’s what kept Natasha around for so long. 

“Care to join me?” 

Natasha leaned back just a little, surprised by her boss’s question. “Why, may I ask?”

It was T’Challa’s turn to shrug. “I just want some company.” 

So she agreed, quickly returning to her desk to shut down her computer and pick up her purse.  

“I wanted to tell someone. Even a complete stranger...”

Natasha rolled her eyes and sipped her drink casually. “I bring you your coffee everyday.”

T’Challa seemed to shrink, his hands coming to rest on his thighs as he stared at his untouched lunch.

“I’m sorry about that,” he admits, looking around the restaurant, at nothing in particular. 

“It’s not even my job,” Natasha continues, picking at her fries now and debating whether she should challenge her boss even more. “When I made you get my coffee, it was your job. Interns get coffee.”

T’Challa tried his best to hide his smirk, finally lifting his full burger to his mouth. 

“I’m not meant to get your coffee, boss,” Natasha declared, crossing her arms and staring at the man whose mouth was currently full of food. “Interns, I tell ‘ya.”

“I admit I make you get my coffee because you annoyed me with that bowl-cut you once sported.”

Natasha’s face twitched slightly but in an amusing way, allowing T’Challa to label this lunch as friendly and overdue. “My girlfriend was never good with scissors. It was the only style I could manage.” 

T’Challa nodded, “You will no longer get my coffee.”

“Wow, my prayers have been answered.”

“Because I’m quitting.”

Natasha spit out her french fry and watched it land near her boss’s soda. The two were silent for a moment before Natasha reached over and grabbed the potato, wrapping it in a napkin. 

“Quitting?”

“I don’t want to be apart of the mess my father has made. I don’t want my name anywhere near it.”

“So, your plan is to run?”

“Excuse me?”

Natasha no longer sipped her drink but gulped it, nervousness spilling from the sides of her lips. “I mean, you could stay and fix it. But if you want to quit, then quit.”

T’Challa couldn’t remember the last time he spoke to someone who wasn’t trying to sign his name onto a piece of paper. It was sort of comfortable and new, a feeling T’Challa used to be well acquainted with. With a change in position and a whole new outlook on life, it was almost distasteful in the eyes of capitalism. He should be destroying buildings and constructing new and shinier ones, writing checks and stamping the outbox letters, attending gala after gala to bring home the prettiest woman there! All for the cameras, all for the spotlight, and for what exactly? 

“I am not running.”

“I take it back,” Natasha stated, slurping the ice cubes from her empty glass. “But it’s what an intern would do.” 

 “You were met with a what this morning?”

You had to stifle your giggles after telling Luke about your rude awakening. The shower did nothing to freshen you up, but the gun, oh that worked perfectly. You quickly extracted the dollar bills from your clothing to hand them over to Luke for safe keeping. Not many of the girls did it, but everyone trusted Luke. If you didn’t have a break to put the money you earned for that hour in your locker, he would gladly keep it safe in a respected pile. 

“All three of these guys I went to high school with. It was like choir all over again, except with guns instead of horribly practiced piano.”

Luke shook his head in disapproval, sliding a full glass of beer to the man down the isle. “Why does a man suffering with PTSD have a gun, anyway?”

You set down your tray of empty glasses and stared at Luke in confusion. “PTSD?”

“Sounds like a bad case if his first instinct was to kill.”

You sucked in a single ragged breath, focusing on Luke’s chin while you formulated your response to that. Bucky? PTSD? Sure, you knew he was excited to join the army after high school and ‘save the world’, he would say. He definitely wasn’t the same man considering ten years had passed since you last saw him- what, with the full grown beard, muscular build, and constant smoking habit. Oh, you could smell his breaks each time he left his bed in the middle of the night to smoke through the broken window in the living room. But PTSD? How hadn’t you figured that out by just this morning’s encounter?

“You think?”

Luke sighed and nodded, “The guy probably feels safe with that gun under his pillow. That’s enough info.”

You grimaced, “I don’t feel safe knowing it’s even there.”

“Understandable. But what are you going to do? Take it away from him?”

You chuckled slightly, picking the tray back up now that Luke changed the empty glasses to full ones. “It already has been. Steve’s neighbor took it without even asking.”

“You planning to stay there again tonight?”

You groaned, “I’m picking my shit up after my shift.”

Luke opened his mouth to speak but your boss rounded the corner to interrupt. 

“Do I pay you to talk to the whores?”

Luke breathed through his nose and scrunched the napkin in his hand. You ignored your boss’s gruesome remark and instead looked over at your friend, silently begging him not to risk it. Luke resisted, like always, and whispered a small ‘sorry’. You gave Luke a little grin, walking over to the booth with the drinks and your famous hip sway.

“Could you just keep her company for a few minutes while I arrange the paperwork? She came all the way from the upper east-side because she heard my classes were just that good.”

Steve sighed but agreed anyway, because refusing the simplest request from Peggy was near damn impossible. “Sure thing.”

“Oh, thank you! Thank you!” Peggy cheered, grabbing her phone to head to her small office space. “I won’t be long! She’ll be here any minute!”

“I’ll make sure she enjoys herself.”

“Don’t scare her off, Rogers!” 

“I won’t-!”

“Peggy?”

A small yet shrill voice sounded from the side of the studio. Peggy waved at her new customer.

“Wanda! So glad you could make it. Steve, here, will keep you company while I handle something real quick. I’ll be right back!”

“O-“ Peggy left before she could finish her sentence. “-K.” 

“Um, hi! I’m Steve and I probably can’t teach you tango but I’m good company.”

Wanda set her stuff down and walked toward the middle of the room. “It’s alright.” 

The air was thin for some unknown reason, but Wanda could have sworn she had the right idea. His last name sounded familiar, oh so familiar, but she couldn’t put her finger on it. There was a heavy weight in her stomach and she begged silently for Peggy to come back. “Want to dance anyway?” 

Steve chucked, “I don’t really dance.”

“Why are you here, then?”

Steve released a long “Uhhhhh...” before he crouched down to check if his shoes were neatly tied. 

“You sound familiar,” Wanda verbally admits, walking over to her bag to get her dancing shoes. “Not your voice, obviously, but your name.”

“I’m not really recognizable,” Steve joked, patiently waiting for Wanda to put on her shoes or for Peggy to save this awkward encounter. 

“Did we go to college together?” 

“I went to NYU for like... a year.”

Wanda knew. She knew who Steve was. It took a few seconds, a few quick glances, but she knew who was standing in front of her. There was no way she could miss it considering Steve’s name spilled from Natasha’s lips every single day. Steve used to say this- Steve used to do that!- Steve was my first love!- it would never end. And it never bothered Wanda before because there wasn’t a time in her life where she thought she would ever meet the guy. 

“Nevermind.”

She was going to nudge it out, reveal their similarities in partners, out of spite and a little out of pride. 

“My girlfriend was going to go there but she decided to go to community college instead.” 

“No shame in that,” Steve said, walking over to the stereo to start Peggy’s music and completely oblivious.

Wanda pushed further. “Yeah, Natasha was always destined for great things anyway!”

Steve stumbled a bit, clicking the buttons and blinking repeatedly. It was like he was slapped in the face with her constant, agitating tone. “That’s nice!”

Well, what else could he say? It was only a coincidence, Steve thought. There was no way the world was that small. However, Steve wasn’t stupid and knew there was a catch with this woman. If he ever knew Natasha, then he would understand the reason Wanda had traveled to the depths of fucking Brooklyn to take a dance class with a complete stranger. It was the same feeling Steve experienced when he was dating her- a feeling Wanda, without a doubt, was suffering under.

So he decided to play Wanda’s game for a while longer, nodding along to whatever ‘new’ information Wanda fed him about Natasha- how she dyed her hair red after the blonde completely killed her hair, how she studied in communications, and how she works for a brilliant martial arts studio in the winter. 

Steve wasn’t about to lose this battle no matter how much he wanted to laugh at her silly attempts at picking at his insecurities. He wanted to catch Wanda completely off-guard, and that’s exactly what he did. 

“Natasha sounds so different from when I used to sleep with her.”

It was low. A low blow. An incredibly derogatory, pitiful, but necessary low blow. 

“Excuse me?”

The music sounded lowly, a quiet tango enveloping the two rivals. “I didn’t mean it in-”

“What did you mean, Steve?” Wanda seethed, angry that her attempts at making Steve crumble snapped back at her. The comment wasn’t even directed toward her and Wanda almost begged for it to be, but the comment centered around the love of her life. Steve insulted Natasha and all she wanted was for Steve to insult her.

“You were just going on and on! You obviously knew who I was!” Steve yelled quietly, not wanting to alert Peggy of the commotion.

“No,” Wanda said, reaching for Steve’s hands and interlocking their fingers in a tight stance, their chests resting against each other’s. “You meant something else.”

A rock to hide under sounded so good right about now. “I just wanted to make you mad.”

Wanda didn’t appreciate his response, even if she did egg him on. She was hurt, emitting the emotion throughout the studio to the one person she believed deserved to be on the receiving end. 

“Hey, you’re dating my ex. Small world, but you don’t have to make me jealous about it. It’s been ten years.”

Wanda stuttered when Peggy pulled the door to her office open, both her and Steve standing close in a not-so compromising position. It felt like one, though.

“Hey! You’re dancing! Okay, I’ll only be a few more minutes!”

Then the door shut again, the music seemed to become louder, and the anger radiating from the small girl in front of Steve clogged his brain. 

“This is weird.”

Steve twirled Wanda once, impressed by how quickly she snapped back into his arms, almost as if she was challenging him again with freakin’ tango. “It’s weird.”

Wanda groaned, backing up slightly but still allowing Steve to lead. “Very weird.”

“Fucking weird.”

“I’m so mad that I don’t know what to do,” she admitted, taking the liberty of leading from now on since Steve was so horrible at the simple task. “She skipped dinner and I had reservations! I was freezing while waiting for her outside that damn restaurant and to top it all off I’m with you!”

Steve swayed to the music, studying Wanda’s swirls of madness creeping from the sides of her eyes. It was familiar and from that moment on, Steve used the music and dancing to channel her anger from her. “Oh, I know this act.”

Wanda released her grip from one of Steve’s hands, unraveling and spreading her arms out. “What act?”

“It’s called, the Tango: Natasha.”

Wanda completely untangled herself from Steve, pushing him away to stare in bewilderment. “That sounds so fucking stupid.”

“Yeah,” Steve chuckled, crossing his arms and smirking. “It’s a dark, dizzy merry-go-round where she keeps you dangling and you never know what to expect! She skipped dinner, you said?”

Wanda shuffled uncomfortably, “You’re wrong.”

“She skipped dinner and her excuse was that she simply forgot, right?”

Wanda huffed a loud breath of air, “It’s different with me.”

“But you toss and you turn because her cold eyes can burn, and you’re waking up to the same routine all over again. Right?”

Wanda shook the thoughts from her head. Everything Steve was saying was unbelievably true, so sickeningly true, and her stomach was starting to churn. “Did you swoon when she walked through the door?”

Steve grinned, looking at his feet. “Everytime, so be cautious.”

Wanda rolled her eyes but persisted, “What did you think she was doing every time she skipped out?”

Steve sighed heavily and responded with a shrug. He held his hand out for her to take, eager to start the dance again instead of talking about an ex he hadn’t even spoken to since graduation. “I never assumed the worst of her. I loved her. She was just so secretive that it was slowly killing me.”

Wanda followed Steve around the studio, absentmindedly dancing for a while before she pushed him away again. Steve stumbled back but before he could ask why she did it, Wanda practically screeched, “She cheated!”

“Woah, woah! What makes you think she cheated on me?”

“No, not with you! Even though I see why she would, but she cheated on me!”

Steve stuffed the back-handed compliment deep within his chest. It wasn’t the right time to dissect that proposal. Still, he didn’t feel like comforting his ex-girlfriend’s, new girlfriend- someone he barely met- because it was just so weird. 

“I doubt Natasha would-”

“I’m defeated, I should give up right now,” Wanda sputtered almost incoherently, running over to her bag to pack her things. 

“Hey, don’t just assume-”

“Okay! Let’s dance!”

Steve stood completely still, eyes dramatically landing on Peggy and Wanda, Peggy and Wanda, until he threw his hands up. “Well, that’s my cue! I’ll start fixing the floor tomorrow, Peggy.”

Peggy happily giggled, unaware of the fight and revelations that just sneaked into the hard cracks on her studio floor. 

“Where did you say he was?” Natasha asked, climbing through the all-to-familiar window. 

“Out back.” 

“Thanks.”

The apartment smelled like smoke. Not from a cigarette or a fire, but days old smoke that made even the heaviest drug addict sick to their stomach. Scott didn’t dare stay there for more than two hours. He only sat, received the money his clients made that week, and left. Each client came and went, one after the other with a fifteen minute division between each of them. No one knew each other, no one fought, and no one would even know they were working for Scott unless they stayed at his place for more than requested. 

“Got it all?”

Natasha threw the wad towards him and lifted a single finger.  “Don’t underestimate me.”

“I never do,” Scott smiled, taking out his checkbook to write the monthly allowance. “Still coming to the workshop this week?”

Natasha nodded, gladly accepting her earnings. “Teaching people how to fight? A fun hobby.”

“Well, when I’m not dealing heroin it’s a wonderful pastime!”

Natasha smirked and waved a small goodbye to her second boss. However, her day seemed to tragically rust because there was always that one person who found out- someone who didn’t follow the rules- and could possibly ruin the whole operation. 

“I didn’t know Lang employed women.”

Stepping from the window onto the ground, Natasha clicked her key and shoved it between her fingers. She wanted to kill him, scream at him for pissing on Scott’s brilliant business tactics. 

“You’re fifteen minutes early.” 

The man shrugged and turned his head to chuckle, allowing Natasha to scan his body up and down. His pale skin made the smallest scratches visible, even the noticeable needle marks along his arms. If Natasha took anything away from this type of business, any rule that could follow her for the rest of her life, it would be that no one experiments with the merchandise if you’re actively selling it. 

But Scott wouldn’t argue with it, because the more people he got hooked was just income. 

“I see no problem here. Our little secret,” the man snickered, stepping around Natasha and climbing through that damn window. 

A/N: WOW FUCKING KILL ME! I PROMISE THE NEXT UPDATE WILL BE WONDERFUL LMFAO I HATE MYSELF!

TAG LIST: @4theluvofall @ihavemymomentsstill @sumafamouxx @chook007 @shrekssunflowers @seems-sosimple @evyiione @fireflyloki28 @smollyssa 

[autumn-in-phandom]

Mario Kart Phan-Prix #2

THE SUBSCRIBERS STRIKE BACK!

I wasn’t going to take notes, I was just going to sit back and watch, but between natural hair mentions, sausage fest and biting ass…

-Phil getting massaged by his pixel self and Dan being disturbed, while actually controlling the mouse, telling him he can’t say “yasss” while that happens.

-Teeked, teaked, tiqued? over the edge. Reminds me of teet/teat in ‘I Am Bread.’ The word is tilt Phil. English Language and Linguistics fail.

-“rickety wrecked”

-Phil turned “soft boye” comment into a sort of “yeah boi” with his inflection.

-“Expose me”- P

-Dan totally read the complaint about not receiving soup in a Damien voice from DD.

-Also these promises of things like dates from Mario reminds me of 2009-2011

-I love them managing each other. Dan dimming Phil’s screen and telling him he’s not allowed to do shout outs and Phil checking that Dan tweeted.

-Furry or Philly, “looking sexy”- P

-“Sausage fest”- D

-Phil thinks he should dye his hair mint green. Nah I tried the pastel range, yah gotta go dark Phil.

-Appreciating the well manicured beard

-Natural brown haired mii looks like Phil

-Stop canoodling down there

-“Don’t even look at me.”- P

-“He’ll be coming round the corner when he comes.”- P

-May do something special for 3 million subscribers, that’s a thing

-“Dat ass”- D

-“I’m gonna bite someone’s ass.”- P

-“Protect your butt.”- D

-“My butt has a shell against it and it’s not gonna get touched.”- P

-Phil story about renting a house second year of college, no idea how to live, almost got evicted.

-Dil’s birthday is tomorrow

-Phil is a backseat stream manager

-Beard guy is the most attractive subscriber, that’s why he gets the crown.

-“Shut up!”- D “Buh shudadaduh”- P (or something like that)

-An artist in the chat says Phil is her muse

-“This is your fault Dan”- P

-“Thicccc” microphone

-“I’m gonna shave your beard off.”- P

-“I’ll protect *your* butt.”- P

-Not arms gaming challenge (I’m intrigued, I watched all the gaming challenges the other day and think their due for a new one.)

-“I’ve got a story.”- P (Life going in slow motion, extra step thing.)

-Dan doesn’t want to look at the message for Phil’s Monster Coke anymore.

-“Birthing breaths”- P

-"I know how to play, Daniel"- P

-Dan’s a bastard… well that’s news to me…

-2018 calendar “Oh god the idea”- D (I want to know!)

-Dan unironically listens to the Mario Soundtrack

-“Get bananaed hard.”- I didn’t write down who said this but I’m pretty sure it was Phil.

-D&P livestream “tension ups” (butt clenching)

-Phil touches Dan’s hair after someone complimenting it, asks how he did it today, insinuates he spends hours sculpting it, asks if he prefers having it curly, is basically in love with Dan’s hair.

-Dan says something rude to a subscriber in the game, Phil reminds him: “It’s not me you’re talking to.” (Why does this make me soft?)

-Viktor from Sweden/YOI reference again.

-Dan asks Phil to help with his geography.

-ALeaningPhil

-AFlirtingPhil, scolds Dan about bragging

-Phil sings some song about breasts/mountains that has something to do with being humble… Ah it was Shakira. And I forgot to mention the yodeling! There was yodeling earlier.

-What rhymes with “tick tock clock”- Phil demanding a 7 Second challenge, Dan to his credit does not say cock.

-“Phil you spork”- D

-“Kartage”- D, “Kartation”- P

-Phil’s been stalking subscribers

I forget where this belongs but “deep sea green”, “azure mystery”, “jade depths” would look much better on Phil than mint. No, I haven’t been making hair color edits, why do you ask?

Well that was lovely! <3

[docholligay]

My Personal Eurovision Rankings--2017--part one

APPARENTLY IT WON’T LET ME LINK MORE THAN 5 VIDEOS IN  A TEXT POST SO STAY TUNED. 

My feelings about Eurovision only get deeper every year, despite not being Actually European, as The Germans loved to tease me during the meetup. (I’m now the fucking person who says shit like ‘Oh my god Switzerland has improved Apollo SO MUCH since the national final’) These are my FAVORITES, not which I think is likely to win--I have very different tastes and desires from the judges, who are terrible and boring. Which is likely to win would be a very different conversation. I’M STILL FUCKING FURIOUS ABOUT ICELAND LAST YEAR IS WHAT I’M FUCKING SAYING. 

Some surprises this year! Germany put out the first non-what the actual hell thing since I started watching Eurovision (2013). Russia has taken a huge shit. France continues to be France (okay, not everything was a surprise, but after last year’s actual decent song, I had hopes.) EPIC SAX GUY IS BACK. 

I’m only going to actually discuss my top 5 and bottom 5, FOR THE SAKE OF BREVITY, but know I have feelings about everything, and the full list of my picks is at the bottom of the post. 

Only one song do I feel I’m being unfair to based on non-song reasons, despite this being a Pan-European Proxy Song War. Some of these were INCREDIBLY DIFFERENT TO PICK BETWEEN. (How am I supposed to pick between Spain’s garbage and Finland’s? They are both terrible. SPAIN AND FRANCE?? DON’T ASK THIS OF ME GERBEAR.)  I used this generator to create this list, which DOES require you know the songs reasonably well or have youtube up in the other tab. 

All videos linked work in America, I don’t know about elsewhere. 

Top 5 below the cut

My Top 5

5. Montenegro: Space

I wish I could offer up a reason for loving this song that wasn’t, “It seems like what Stephen Colbert was going for with ‘translated from the original European’” It’s the best most ridiculous piece of gorgeous nonsense. Please watch the video and give yourself the best gift you’ll have all day. 

4. Belarus: Historyja Majho Zycchia (I know the z is a different letter I can’t get my keyboard to do it)

I’m reasonably certain “The sun will sparkle in our blood” is some sort of expression that doesn’t translate very well, but if this incredibly peppy song is actually about dying on the barricade or something, I will feel redeemed. I was HORRIFIED to find out that I apparently love this song so much when it came up number 4 in my death match rankings. It belongs on a Wes Anderson soundtrack. What the fuck am I doing with my life. Who am I. What is this twee shit and why am I buying into it fully. Help. 

3. Portugal: Amar Pelos Dois

My Cherished Eurovision Friend and I have a major disagreement over this song. I fucking love it. It’s SO DIFFERENT from everything that comes up in Eurovision. It’s a ballad, but it’s done in a very 50s crooner style, and because his sister wrote this song, he has a very personal connection with the song, and it shows, there’s none of the emptiness that I find with 90% of ballads, it FEELS like something, and I don’t speak a damn word of Portuguese, in fact, I am unfairly biased AGAINST Portuguese because it panics me into thinking I forgot how to speak Spanish for a few seconds every time I hear it. 

2.. Estonia: Verona

If you ever seen me listening to this in the car, and I don’t scream out the line, “BEFORE THE ROMANCE TURNED TO DRAMA” something is very wrong with me. In fairness, you could have just had Ukraine and Estonia send all their entries to Eurovision instead of anyone else, and you would have had a very solid show (despite my hating what Ukraine eventually sent--you can’t afford to win again, I get it.) This wasn’t even my original pick for Estonia’s national contest, that honor goes to Vihm. BUT I DO LOVE THIS SONG, and I have won over many of my Fellow Americans to it. It’s just a great europop song, Koit has an amazing voice, and while I don’t think it’ll do anything major in the actual contest, it’ll stay on my Eurovision playlist eternally and I hope it’ll have a decent showing.

1. Romania: Yodel It! 

If I were going to hatch a Carmen San Diego esque plan and steal Eurovision, this would be the winner everyone would be trying to imitate next year. It’s catchy, it’s fun (LOOK AT THEM THEY ARE ENJOYING THEMSELVES SO MUCH ONSTAGE, which is something I sometimes find missing from performances) and it’s just bonkers enough to keep the true spirit of Eurovision alive. 

[while-my-tardis-gently-weeps]

Eurovision 2017: Initial Thoughts (3/13)

Now that the songs for all the participating countries are announced, here are my initial impressions of each piece. The stand-out entries (so far) are in in bold, and the ones in italics are ones I’m keeping my eyes on in the coming weeks but didn’t quite make the mark. 

In alphabetical order:

ALBANIA - Lindita “World” - On first listen, I liked it, but it didn’t really leave a lasting impression on me. Above average Eurovision ballad, but nothing more.

ARMENIA - Artsvik “Fly With Me” -  Okay song, forgettable.

AUSTRALIA -  Isaiah Firebrace “Don’t come easy” - Australia brings it again! 3 for 3 from down under since they joined Eurovision. Only heard the music video version though so I’m curious how he will do in live performance. It definitely didn’t impress me nearly as much as Dami Im’s did last year, but I was sold on her live performance last year, not the recorded version.

AUSTRIA -  Nathan Trent “Running on air” - Thoroughly average pop ballad with good energy and beat, but it’s been growing on me. A LOT. I blame it on the gorgeous Austrian mountain backdrop in the music video. Austria should definitely keep that up in the live staging if they know what’s good for them. I can’t be the only one sold on the scenery porn.

AZERBAIJAN -  DiHaj “Skeletons” - Good, but didn’t make much of an impact on me. Withholding further commentary until I listen to it more.

BELARUS - NaviBand “Historyja Majho Zyccia” - A charming little piece, bonus points for not singing in English. I don’t see it winning Eurovision, but it’s absolutely delightful to listen to.

BELGIUM -  Blanche “City lights” - Love it! Though not as much as a lot of other people seem to. It’s unique and ethereal and showcases her voice very well, but it’s a bit one-tone and kind of resembles dozens of other songs in the same style. Not to mention that it will fit right in among the Skins soundtrack. That said, I see it doing very well and it’ll be a much-welcomed breath of fresh air after listening to generic eurovision ballad after generic eurovision ballad.

BULGARIA - Kristian Kostov “Beautiful mess” - A lot better than I expected, but to be entirely honest my expectations were very low going in. It will depend on his live performance I expect.

CROATIA -  Jacques Houdek “My friend” - Nice, but boring.

CYPRUS - Hovig “Gravity” - Powerful, energetic song that can do extremely well with the right staging, (like Russia 2016 or Sweden 2015, though this one is definitely more along the veins of the former rather than later. That might be my fondness for Mans talking though). 

CZECH REPUBLIC -  Martina Bárta “My turn” - Um, no. Not feeling it at all. I don’t know if anything can fix this one. 

DENMARK - Anja “Where I Am” - I like her voice, I like her performance, I like everything except this boring snoozefest of a song. There are those ballads of yesteryear that were propelled to high rankings by a phenomenal performance, but this one is just too average for that to happen. It might carry her past the semis on a good night but I won’t hold my breath for anything more than that.

ESTONIA - Koit Toome & Laura  “Verona” - Sounds a bit retro, but not in a bad way. Laura’s facial expression during the chorus bothers me a bit though.

FINLAND -  Norma John “Blackbird” - I love Finland for always taking a risk. Doesn’t always work but I appreciate the effort even if the song crashes and burns spectacularly. Wonderfully dark and definitely something I would listen to normally but I’m not sure if it will keep my attention sufficiently enough during a lengthy (Semi-)final. 

FRANCE - Alma “Requiem” - One of my personal favs this year. Fell in love with the tune from the start. Would I had preferred it if they stuck with the original version? Hell yes. Do I think version with English added is as horrendous as everybody says, not really but everything will depend on the live performance I think. I’m 100% behind another song but I’ll be hoping and praying that she does well in the final.  

GEORGIA -  Tako Gachechiladze “Keep the faith” - This song annoys me greatly. 

GERMANY - Levina “Perfect life” - I have to stop forgiving otherwise-generic pop tunes for having lyrics that tick my fancy despite everything. That said, it could have been worse.

GREECE - Demy “This is love” - Good but a bit too generic. 

HUNGARY -  Joci Pápai “Origo” - Not exactly my cup of tea at first listen, but it’s rapidly growing on me, to the point that it’s squeezing past other entries to be one of my favs before I knew it. Can do without the rap; it’s extremely jarring. That chorus though. SUPERB.

ICELAND - Svala “Paper” - I quite like it, but don’t exactly love it (yet?). Need to give it a few more listens but I can see it growing on me a lot more in the coming weeks.

IRELAND -  Brendan Murray “Dying to try” - It’s growing on me. Mostly because of his voice. The song itself is a bit forgettable but not so disastrously average that it can’t be salvaged by a live performance that knocks it out of the park. But even so the left side of the final voting table might be a bit of a stretch.

ISRAEL -  Imri Ziv “I feel alive” - It’s okay but doesn’t stay in your memory for long.

ITALY -  Francesco Gabbani “Occidentali’s Karma” - Remember what I said about being 100% behind one song? WELL THIS IS IT! I was already sold by the joyous, fun, and all-around spectacular performance at San Remo, but then I read the lyrics. AND I AM BLOWN AWAY. This man is a genius. This is Italian pop at its very best even without understanding the lyrics, complete with a staging that can do very well in Kyiv. But with the lyrics? Such a clever critique of Western appropriation and commercialization of Eastern philosophies disguised as a perfect explosion of effervescent joy. My only worries: he needs to do some major cutting to make it fit within the time limit, and there won’t be a live orchestra in Kyiv for the “ale!” moment with raised bows, so I’m crossing my fingers that everything will come together perfectly even with these restraints, and that there will be improvements in the staging that help carry the messages in the lyrics across to a non-Italian-speaking audience. (and the length of this alone is a testament of how much more I love this one above all other entries. Italy2018 please!)

LATVIA - Triana Park “Line” - Latvia’s been on a roll since Aminata! It’s not quite on the level of the last two years imho, but great song nonetheless.

LITHUANIA -  Fusedmarc “Rain of revolution” - ...Aaaaaand right from my most favorite to least. No. Just, no. 

MACEDONIA -  Jana Burčeska “Dance alone” - I won’t cringe if it comes on while I’m partying at a club, but I won’t love the DJ for putting it on either.

MALTA -  Claudia Faniello “Breathlessly” - Another boring ballad stuck in the dead zone between “not bad” and “not great.”

MOLDOVA -  SunStroke Project “Hey, Mamma!” - Oh this is fun! I can dance to this one. Not masterpiece material but it doesn’t aspire to be one either. It brings the party, and that’s all it needs to do for a job well-done, I’d say.

MONTENEGRO -  Slavko Kalezić “Space” - I would rather spend the time staring into blank space. No thanks. 

THE NETHERLANDS -  OG3NE “Lights and shadows” - Like Estonia’s entry, this one is also a bit retro, with a dash of Glee thrown in as well. I know I definitely want them to qualify, and probably even end up on the left side of the chart during the finals, but something about the song just doesn’t quite do it for me.

NORWAY - JOWST “Grab the moment” - It’s growing on me. A lot of Norway’s songs tend to be growers for me. I don’t think it will quite get there though. 

POLAND - Kasia Moś “Flashlight” - This can either be a dark horse or a disaster depending on how she performs live and the staging. I fell in love with the music video version but the live version from the national final left me a bit flat. We’ll wait and see I suppose. 

PORTUGAL -  Salvador Sobral “Amar Pelos Dois” - Marvellously quaint, reminiscent of one’s best dreams under the Mediterranean sky, best enjoyed with headphones and your eyes closed...WAIT. “Your eyes closed?” Yeah, that’s my main worry with this song. Someone please get that boy a good stylist so that he doesn’t look like a library-dwelling classics major pulled on-stage last minute after a week of all-nighters. And add some better staging too. But, yeah, best wishes for a top-five finish Portugal!

ROMANIA -  Ilinca feat. Alex Florea “Yodel it!” - I am reminded of how much I came to love “My Slowanie” from Poland. It never pretends to be anything deep or profound, but Ilinca just sells it so well. 

RUSSIA -  Yulia Samoylova “Flame is burning” - Funny that Russia chose a song with this title... Politics and transparent appeal for sympathy points to counteract booing and flaming aside, it’s an okay song and she’s not necessarily a bad singer, but by GOD if you can’t even fake passable English by hiring any half-way decent diction coach then stick to Russian!

SAN MARINO -  Valentina Monetta & Jimmie Wilson “Spirit of the night” - It’s fine, I guess. Just heard it again in the last hour but already forgot how it went.

SERBIA -  Tijana Bogićević “In too deep” - See last comment.

SLOVENIA -  Omar Naber “On my way” - *Facepalm*. Enough said.

SPAIN -  Manel Navarro “Do it for your lover” - Makes the last one I commented on sound decent, if not good, by comparison.

SWEDEN -  Robin Bengtsson “I can’t go on” - What happened Sweden? You’ve been going downhill since Mans in 2015. I always want to vote for Sweden because they host it so well but this definitely sound like they are trying their hardest to avoid Sweden2018. Not even my everlasting love for Petra (+Mans) as the host will make this less cringeworthy. 

SWITZERLAND -  Timebelle “Apollo” - I quite like it. Despite myself. The red dress she wore during live performance certainly doesn’t hurt. 

UKRAINE -  O.Torvald “Time” - Definitely refreshing, and mad points to Ukraine for the second entry in a row that’s different from the Eurovision norm, but this isn’t exactly good rock is it? 

UNITED KINGDOM -  Lucie Jones “Never give up on you” - Good showing for UK. In general? Not so much. Kind of like Denmark this year, really, with a combination of good vocalist and subpar song, but this song is a step (or two. or three) down from Denmark’s. 

Top 3 Picks:

Italy - “Occidentali’s Karma,” Francesco Gabbani

France - “Requiem,” Alma

Portugal - “Amar Pelos Dois,” Salvador Sobral

(I’m noticing a theme for my top picks...)