#oh and also it was my therapist who accidentally exposed me which is totally not her fault it’s just like ahhhh

[visionsinroseblush]

in case you were curious so far then we year has sucked for me 🥸

[antheminmyheart]

ghost of you (asheiji)

This oneshot is birthday gift from me to myself

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You May also find this oneshot on my AO3 account: https://archiveofourown.org/works/33681853

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In which Michael makes an imaginary friend.

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Warnings: post-canon, grief/mourning

Michael is eight. Eight years, five months, and four days, to be exact. He’s too old for imaginary friends.

But, his friend that shows up in his parents’ living room one day can’t be imaginary. He can’t be, because Michael recognizes him.

“Ash!” he squeals.

He’s not sure what Ash is doing here. According to his parents, Ash had “gone away for a long time,” and they’d both had tears in their eyes when they sat him down to talk about it. That was just a few days ago. But, Ash is back. He hadn’t been gone for very long.

He’s back, and he’s right here in Michael’s living room!

The older boy looks surprised. And pale. He looks very pale, but it only makes the green of his eyes even brighter as they widen. “Michael?”

“Hiya, Ash!”

As Ash’s eyes soften, they are sad, but calm. “You can… you can see me?”

“Course I can, silly!” Michael grins as he jumps to his feet. “Oh boy, just wait ‘til I tell Mom and Dad that you’re back. They’ve missed you a whole lot.”

“Wait, Michael,” Ash calls out.

Michael, who’d started for the hallway, stops in his tracks. Confused, he turns back to the older boy.

“I don’t think telling your parents about me is such a good idea,” Ash says softly.

Michael juts his lower lip out in a pout. “Why not?”

“People don’t…” Ash pauses. Hesitates. “People don’t… normally come back from where I went to.”

“Where did you go?”

Ash hesitates again. Michael frowns.

“What’s wrong, Ash?”

“Nothing, buddy,” Ash says. “Just… I went to a place that you won’t have to worry about for a long time.”

“Oh. When I do have to worry about it, then will you tell me?”

Ash cringes, but he nods. “Of course.”

Michael smiles, eyes sparkling again. “Okay!”

“Michael?”

At the sound of Jessica’s voice, Ash freezes. As Michael looks at him, he puts a finger to his lips.

Michael nods.

“Yeah, Mom?” he calls back, going into the hallway. His mother is coming down the stairs.

“Are you talking to someone?” she asks. She’d just gotten out of the shower and she’s wrapped in a fluffy robe, her hair still dripping wet.

Michael shakes his head. “Just me. I made up a new game.”

“Oh. That’s nice.” She smiles, but it’s small and sad. All of her smiles have been sad since Ash went away.

As she turns away to go back upstairs, Michael says, “Hey, Mom?”

Jessica pauses, then turns to face him again. “Yes?”

“I miss Ash.”

At that, Jessica’s eyes mist over. She stares down at the floor and tries to hide her sniffling, but without much success. “I think we all miss Ash, sweetheart.”

“Will he come back?”

Jessica tries to hide the tear that escapes down her cheek, but she’s too late. Michael sees it. “Probably not, Mikey.”

Michael’s eyes widen. His mom hadn’t called him Mikey since he was a little kid.

“Okay, Mom. Okay.”

“Michael, if you…” Jessica pauses. Takes a deep breath. “If you want to talk about Ash, or anything else, your dad and I will always be here to listen.”

He nods. “Will Dad be home soon?”

“He has another hour at work, but he’ll be home after.” She ruffles his hair, but he doesn’t cringe away like he normally would.

He nods. “Okay.”

After she goes back upstairs, Michael returns to the living room. Ash is huddled in a corner on the floor, knees drawn up to his chin.

“Are you okay?” Michael asks, voice squeaking a little.

“I will be,” Ash mumbles.

“How long will you stay?”

Ash lifts one shoulder in a half-hearted shrug. “I don’t have anywhere I need to be. I can stay awhile.”

Michael’s eyes light up again. “Oh, yay! Will you play with me?”

Lifting his head, Ash manages a small smile.

“Of course, buddy.”

*

Ash keeps his promise. Ash stays.

They’d been almost caught a few times, but Michael is starting to think that neither of his parents can see Ash, which is weird. They’d had no problem seeing him before he went away.

When he asks Ash about it, Ash says he doesn’t know. He says that the place he went to changed him, and maybe grown-ups can’t see him anymore.

Michael accepts this answer, but he’s still curious about where Ash went. Whenever he asks, all Ash says is that it “was a bad place.” He’d tell Michael more about it when he was older.

Michael didn’t like this answer.

He was almost eight and a half. Eight years, five months, and twenty-three days, to be exact. He thought he was plenty old enough.

But, even though he gets frustrated, the frustration usually fades quickly. Ash was sticking around, and they still played together. That was enough, for now.

It took a lot of concentration for Ash to play, though. He could hardly roll a car across Michael’s bedroom floor without focusing absolutely all of his attention on it. Michael thought maybe he was sick, but Ash said that the place he went to made him weak. Not sick, just weaker than he used to be.

Michael hadn’t realized it before, but Ash was good at keeping secrets. He wished he was as good at keeping secrets as Ash was.

Because one night, about two or three weeks after Ash came back, Michael accidentally lets their secret slip.

He and his parents are sitting around the dinner table. Salmon, green beans, and rice tonight — one of Jessica’s favorite meals. Max and Michael normally preferred burgers and fries. But, it’s still good. Everything Jessica cooks is delicious.

Max is talking about work, and Michael, in typical eight year old fashion, zones out.

That is, until Ash’s name comes up.

At the mention of Ash’s name, Michael perks up. Forgetting the promise he’d made, he pops a piece of fish into his mouth and says, delightedly, “We’re going to play a new game later!”

Talk ceases. Max and Jessica both turn their attention to their son.

“Who are you going to play with, bud?” Max asks.

Michael smiles. He thinks it’s funny that Ash started calling him ‘buddy’ like his dad does. “Ash! He can’t play a lot of games anymore, but he said he’s gonna teach me a new one. One he can play.”

The clinking of silverware stops. Both adults freeze, then glance at each other.

“You’re going to play a game with Ash?” Jessica asks.

“Yeah!”

“Where did Ash come from?” This time, it’s Max who speaks.

Michael shrugs. “He came back. You guys acted like he’d be gone forever, but it was just a few days.”

“A few days? But it’s been weeks…” Jessica glances at Max.

A frown is settling deep in Max’s brow. “How long has he been back, bud?”

Michael shrugs. “You guys talked to me, told me Ash had gone away. But then he came back again a few days later.”

Jessica sucks in a breath.

“All right.” Max inhales deeply, nods. Then, he smiles. “How about you finish dinner in your room, huh? A special treat.”

Michael’s eyes light up. “Can I watch TV?”

“Of course, bud.”

Jessica helps him prepare a tray, then Michael takes his food to his room without complaint.

When he arrives in his room, Ash is waiting for him.

And then he remembers his promise.

“Oh!” Michael gasps. He stands there, tray rattling as his hands start to shake, and his lower lip quivers. “I’m s-sorry, Ash.”

Ash, though, only smiles at him. “It’s all right, buddy.”

“Are you gonna leave?” Michael’s eyes fill with hot tears. “I’m sorry!”

“Nah.” Ash leans back, crossing one Converse-clad foot over the other, “I won’t leave.”

“Really? You’ll stay?” Michael sniffles, but manages a smile.

Ash smiles back. “Yeah, I’ll stay. But, playtime is going to be a bit delayed, all right? I need to check something.”

Michael nods. “O-Okay.”

“Finish your dinner, huh? I’ll be right back.”

Ash leaves Michael, still sniffling but calming down, in his room, and ventures out. He knows there’s no reason to be overly cautious or sneaky, but old habits die hard

(pun intended)

as he creeps down the hallway.

He finds Max and Jessica talking in the kitchen. He stands, totally exposed but unnoticed all the same, in the doorway, and watches.

Jessica has her head in her hands and her shoulders shake. Her tears are silent, but he knows she’s crying. Max has a chair pulled up next to her and he’s got his arms wrapped around her.

“Maybe this is his way of coping,” he mumbles.

“B-By thinking he can see Ash? Max, Ash is, Ash i-is—“

“I know.” Max cups her face in his hand. He attempts to wipe the tears away, but they come too quickly. “I know, Jess. But, I don’t think he quite understood when we tried talking to him. Maybe this is his way of… processing.”

“He’s too old for imaginary friends, Max!” Jessica snaps.

But, she’s not angry. Not at Max.

She’s angry at the world.

She’s heartbroken.

“This will last a few weeks, maybe a few months,” Max predicts, “but he’ll grow out of it. Maybe it’ll help if we sit down with him again. Explain things… properly.”

“Y-You mean, tell him—“

Max nods.

“Oh, but Max—“

“I know,” he mumbles, pulling her into a hug, “but, is it really fair to let him continue to believe that Ash could come back someday?”

“I, I—“ Jessica hiccups, sniffles. She rests her head on his shoulder and closes her eyes. “I suppose you’re right.”

“I’ll talk to him after school on Friday,” Max mumbles, rubbing her back.

“Okay,” she whispers. He holds her tight. “But, what if…”

“Hm?”

“What if… it doesn’t help? What if he still thinks he can play with Ash?”

Max sighs deeply, presses his lips to her forehead. “If it doesn’t pass after a few months… it may be a good idea to take him to a child therapist.”

“Max,” she whimpers.

“I know. Shh. We’ll cross that bridge if we come to it.”

It is then that Ash chooses to take his leave. He returns to Michael’s room with hunched shoulders. He can no longer feel pain, but he’d swear his heart would be aching in his chest if it could.

Michael, though, is thrilled (and incredibly relieved) when Ash returns.

“You came back!” he exclaimed, hopping off his bed. His plate, now empty, sits on his dresser.

“I told you I would.” Ash smiles, but it’s small and shaky.

“I’m sorry,” Michael says again.

“Don’t be. You kept the secret for a long time.”

“Can they see you now?” Michael asks.

Ash shakes his head.

“But—“

“They know, but it’s still probably a good idea not to talk about me too much, all right? Sometimes grown ups think ghost stories are silly.”

Michael frowns. “But, you’re not a ghost, are you, Ash? Ghosts are dead people.”

Instead of answering, Ash says, “Hey, how about I show you that game now, huh?”

At the mention of a new game, Michael grins.

“Okay!”

Questions forgotten.

*

When Michael comes home from school on Friday, he doesn’t come straight to his bedroom. Instead, Max calls him into the living room. He says he needs to talk to Michael about something important, but assures him he’s not in trouble.

Ash could observe, but he knows that he’d only be distracting Michael.

So, he sits on Michael’s floor.

And he waits.

Michael is gone for a long time.

But, finally, his bedroom door creaks open. He pokes his head into the room first, lip quivering, eyes flooded.

“Michael—“

“You lied to me,” he whispers.

Ash stares down into his lap, fiddling with the zipper on his coat. “I’m sorry, Michael. I—“

“I said ghosts were dead people, and you said you weren’t a ghost!”

Technically, Ash hadn’t. He’d changed the subject. But, he knows what Michael means. He’d been lied to for weeks.

He felt betrayed, and it was because of Ash.

“I’m so sorry, buddy. I…” Ash hesitates.

Michael stares at him, heavy tears down his cheeks. His eyes are red and swollen.

“I can leave, if you want,” Ash offers, quietly.

He doesn’t know where he’d go. But, Michael doesn’t have to know that.

“No,” Michael whimpers.

“What?”

“I don’t want you to leave!” the boy cries. He sits on the floor, school bag still heavy on his back, and sobs. “Don’t leave, Ash. Please don’t go.”

Ash had thought it selfish of him to stay.

But, looking at Michael, eight years old and already having to deal with more than any boy his age should, he thinks it’d be much more selfish of him to leave. At least, for now.

“Okay,” Ash mumbles. “Okay, buddy. I’m not going anywhere. I promise.”

“Ash?”

“Yeah, buddy?”

“C-Can I hug you?”

“I’m… not sure, Michael,” Ash admits.

“Can I try?”

Ash hesitates. “All right.”

Michael hurries at him, arms outstretched. But, he passes right through Ash like he’s made of smoke.

Ash shivers. Michael hangs his head low and sniffles.

“I’m sorry,” Ash says.

“I wish I could hug you.”

“I know.”

They’re interrupted by Jessica, who knocks on the open bedroom door. Michael looks up at her from his position on the floor, then looks away.

“I’m so sorry, baby,” she murmurs.

Michael ignores her.

“I don’t think… I don’t think it’s good for you to be alone right now, Mikey.”

“I’m not alone,” Michael says. He looks next to him, at Ash. “I have Ash.”

Jessica looks directly at him.

Ash’s green eyes are wide and bright.

But she does not see him.

“I’m so sorry, Mikey. Please… come watch a movie with us? It will take your mind off of…”

“Go with her,” Ash whispers.

Michael freezes.

“Go on, buddy. It’s okay. They just want to take care of you.”

“You’ll stay here?” Michael whispers, believing himself to be quieter than he is. Jessica���s eyes widen.

“I promise.”

“Okay,” Michael mumbles. Slowly, he gets to his feet. “Okay, Mom. Can I pick the movie?”

Jessica tries to smile.

“Of course.”

*

Michael turns nine tomorrow.

And Ash has stayed through it all.

Since learning of Ash’s death, Michael has tried to quiet down around Max and Jessica. He still talks about Ash sometimes, but, though the subject is still a sensitive one, they have dropped the idea of taking him to see a child therapist.

Ash and Michael still play sometimes, but mostly Ash has become somebody to talk to. Every day, after he comes home from school, Michael tells Ash about his day.

Ash can’t help but compare his nine-year-old self to Michael, and he’s so grateful he would cry if he could. Michael had gone through a lot in the past year that no eight-year-old kid should have to go through, but it was nowhere near the inferno that had engulfed Ash’s childhood. And, most of all, Michael had parents who loved him. Who supported him. Who helped him however they could.

Something that Ash himself had never, ever had.

They’re in the kitchen. Ash is leaned against the refrigerator, arms crossed over his chest, easy smile on his lips. Michael is helping his mother frost his chocolate birthday cake, but he keeps sticking his fingers in the frosting whenever she turns her back. Max is decorating in the living room, but pokes his head into the kitchen every once in awhile to sniff the air.

“Why does Michael get to lick the spoon?” Max whines.

“Because,” Jessica huffs in exaggerated annoyance, “only one of you is turning nine tomorrow.”

Michael sticks his tongue out at his father.

Max grins, about to retort, when the doorbell rings.

“Ah!” Max grins. “I believe our special guest has arrived!”

“‘Special guest?’” Michael echoes. He and Ash exchange a look, but Ash shrugs.

“You stay there, boy!” Max orders before hurrying to the door.

When he returns, Ash’s jaw drops.

“EIJI!” Michael screams.

Eiji smiles.

“Hiya, Michael.”

Michael runs across the room, knocking Eiji back against the wall in a hug. Laughing, Eiji wraps his arms around the boy.

Ash is frozen.

He can’t stop staring.

It’s only been six or seven months since Eiji left for Japan, and, apparently, he’d come back earlier than that for the funeral. But, this is the first that Ash has laid eyes on him since… the hospital.

Since he was alive.

Eiji’s hair is a little longer, a little shaggier — it looks like he’s trying to grow it out — but, otherwise, he looks the same as he had six, seven months ago. He—

No.

Not the same. Not quite.

His eyes are dark, dark and sad. He’s laughing as he hugs Michael back, but there is a heaviness behind those eyes that wasn’t there before. Because of…

Because of Ash.

“Eiji, Eiji,” Michael repeats over and over, like it’s been a lifetime since they’d seen each other, “You came from Japan?”

“I did,” Eiji says. His voice is soft.

“You came for my birthday?” Michael squeezes tighter, afraid to let go.

Eiji laughs as the air is squeezed out of him. “I did, yes. But, not only reason.”

“Huh?” Michael finally lets Eiji go as he takes a step back and looks up at him.

The gentlest smile pulls at Eiji’s lips. “I been thinking of relocating to New York. Permanently.”

Ash’s mouth falls open.

“You’re moving here?!” Michael demands.

“Well,” Eiji says, “I sure going to try.”

Ash continues to gape at a man who cannot see him.

What happened to going back to Japan?

“It’ll be wonderful to have you around again, Eiji,” Jessica gushes, wrapping him in a hug and gently squeezing, “You are always welcome here.”

Eiji holds Jessica close as he hugs her back, sturdy and comforting. “I appreciate you very much, Jessica.”

Jessica is shaking her head as they pull apart.

“You boys,” she murmurs, voice thick, “did not deserve any of what happened to you.”

Her own traumas go unspoken.

“I hate to interrupt,” Max says, stepping in as soon as he realizes Jessica is becoming overwhelmed with emotion, “but, I think we still have some presents to wrap. Can you watch the cake for us, Eiji?”

Eiji laughs. “Of course.”

Wrapping his arm around Jessica’s shoulders, Max leads her out of the room and takes her upstairs.

Michael waits until they are out of earshot before turning to Eiji, big smile on his face. “Guess what!”

Eiji smiles. “What?”

“Someone else is here for my birthday!”

Snapping out of his Eiji-induced trance, Ash’s eyes go wide. Pausing, Michael looks at him. Ash looks very scared for a moment.

But, after a moment, he nods.

“It’s okay,” he whispers.

Michael grins.

“Huh? Another guest? When will they come?” Eiji asks.

“They’re already here!”

“What?” Eiji crosses the kitchen and looks out into the hall. “Where?”

“Right here!’

Eiji turns to look back at Michael, who’s pointing at the wall.

“Ah, I get it. Is your friend invisible?”

“Yes!”

Eiji chuckles. “Well, then. What his name?”

“It’s Ash!”

The laughter cuts off as quickly as it had started.

“Your imaginary friend… is Ash?”

Michael scowls. “He’s not imaginary. He’s dead!”

He says that so excitedly that Ash can’t help but laugh. He covers his mouth with his hand.

Eiji is starting to look a little pale. “Don’t be silly, Michael. There’s no such thing as ghosts.”

“Yes, there is!”

Shaking his head, Eiji leaves the kitchen. Michael and Ash both follow him into the living room.

“Don’t you believe me?” Michael asks.

Crossing the room, Eiji goes to Jessica’s bookcase, picks a seemingly random book, and begins to flip through it. “You’re very imaginative, Michael. You should be an author when you grow up.”

“I’m serious!”

“There’s no such thing as ghosts,” Eiji repeats. He takes his book and sits on the floor… just like Ash does. Leaning against the wall, he pretends to read.

Michael looks at Ash, exasperated.

Biting his lip, Ash looks back at Eiji. His head is bowed as he skims the page.

Michael bites back a giggle as Ash moves closer to Eiji. He stands right in front of him, and Eiji shivers.

This, though, is where Ash falters.

In the months since Ash had shown up in Michael’s house, he has not been able to muster the strength to touch a living human.

Ash looks back at Michael, who nods his encouragement. He turns back to Eiji, who is still pretending to read though his teeth have started to chatter.

Slowly, very slowly, Ash bends down. Then, he leans forward and wraps Eiji in a hug.

Michael is all but holding his breath.

At first, nothing happens.

Then, Eiji gasps. The book falls from his hands, into his lap, and his head jerks up.

He stares directly into wide, bright, beautiful green eyes.

Ash’s smile is very soft.

“Hello, Eiji,” he mumbles.

“Nice to see you.”

[k7l4d4]

A Steven Universe AU

Hello all! Today, I am going to document an AU I had for Steven Universe! I would like to personally thank my friend Flamestar50 for the help I received to build this AU. I am going to mark down the information for the AU I had discussed with Flame when discussing this AU, so here I go! To note, the information will be about the questions Flame asked me, and my responses.

Okay, I talked to Flame and they are okay with this. Enjoy fully.

ALRIGHT!! Basically, assuming you know who Doctor Priyanka is hopefully, before Canon starts, Greg accidentally says something to Rose while they are talking after she got back from a particularly stressful mission, and it causes all the repressed pain and guilt, along with a not so healthy dollop of self-loathing, to come surging to the forefront. 

To better process her feelings, Rose heads to the Beach and, well, ends up lamenting to herself, attracting the attention of a visiting Priyanka Maheswaran (Hope I spelled that right), who decided to approach the giant gem and get her to talk about her feelings.

Flame: huh, how does that go

Me: Well, because Rose has a LONG history of not thinking things all the way through and often not being able to see the full picture accurately, she ultimately decides to just spill it all. To vent every little thing about herself, all her actions, all her choices, all her mistakes, to a total stranger, because she genuinely cannot TAKE IT anymore! 

Surprisingly, or probably not, Priyanka is moved, and understandably worried, by Rose's pain, and makes a point of comforting her, with Rose herself having shapeshifted back into her Diamond Form for the first time in CENTURIES. 

Priyanka is genuinely in awe of all that Rose has done, and all that she has been through, and decides it is her duty as a medical professional, albeit not one licensed in psychology, to take on Rose as her patient, as the Gem is clearly not in a healthy or safe emotional state. Oh, and the other Gems and Greg all ended basically overhearing the whole thing while the two are none the wiser.

Flame: oh no, how did they react

Me: Well, shock for the most part. Amethyst and Garnet are, understandably, angry at being lied to, yet they can't bring themselves to be angry because, unless you've got a serious callousness to you, it is hard to be angry at someone who so clearly loathes themselves so completely and utterly. 

Pearl is mostly shocked, and a touch despondent, that Rose had withheld all this hurt and inner turmoil from her. Greg? He doesn't know how to process what is going on, but what he does understand is that Rose, the person he loves more than anything else in the world, the one who finally made him see his own value and worth and could never even try to judge him, is hurting, and in need of comfort. They basically decide to shift the discussion back to the Temple for the rest of the initial event.

Flame: How will this effect Steven in the future?

Me: Well, I haven't finished describing the set up just yet, but it will have its effects on his future (HA! Snuck in the reference!). After moving back to the Temple, Priyanka in tow, the Gems (and Greg) basically hash out everything they can. Garnet, Amethyst, and Pearl are all understandably distressed and hurt by the secrets Rose has been carrying, but the sheer pain and hurt she clearly feels about herself convince them to work through it together. 

For Amethyst, it partially convinces her to stop bottling up her insecurities, not after seeing what a wreck it made of Rose. Garnet knows she will have to fully confront her feelings on the subject later, but decides to be there for the others now. Pearl just wants to finally help Rose the way she feels Rose helped her. And Rose? She just feels such intense, unconditional joy and love at the fact that they don't see her as a monster, that they still love her, flaws and all, that she doesn't have to run away anymore. 

The revelation of her feelings acts as a catalyst that causes her to involuntarily shapeshift into a new default state that merges her Diamond and Quartz forms, a symbol of her finally accepting herself completely, taking the name Rose Diamond; she isn't going to pretend she is something she's not anymore, she's going to show the whole world the entirety of who she is, flaws and all, so she can finally start to grow. 

And then they realize that they never got Priyanka's name, and everyone starts cracking up at the sheer absurdity of it all, Rose included! I got more, but that is the initial intro to the AU.

Flame: what else ya got

Me: Well, because of her sense of obligation, and the fact that she honestly enjoys Rose's company, Priyanka more or less becomes the Gems' therapist, and often silently screams in her own head that she isn't trained for this. One of the things Rose does once she comes clean is to try and make amends for the things that came about due to her lies; for starters, she releases Bismuth, after she tracks down Lion that is (that crazy feline does whatever it wants, I swear). 

Much like in canon, Bismuth is snapped out of her hyper-blood-rage once she is exposed to the Corrupted Gems and figures out that the Corruption partially came about due to her giving the idea of faking her shattering to Rose. Bismuth is MASSIVELY uncomfortable around Rose, and often adopts a loose, battle-ready stance whenever around her, but, partially due to working with Priyanka to help treat her PTSD, is gradually coming around. 

Bismuth more or less does her own thing, but makes an effort to be there when needed, like when the Gems find an experimental Warp Pad. The Warp Pad, according to the notes Pearl finds, is supposed to be the ultimate escape system, allowing any being to enter the warp stream and proceed to a pre-determined Warp Pad across the Galaxy, and the next time that corresponding pad is used it will automatically bring them back. 

Upon discovering that information, and seeing that the Warp Pad hasn't been set yet and still can be, Rose, without actually explaining to the others, uses the warp to rescue Spinel. I'm gonna leave it here for you to process and ask questions before I proceed.

Flame: Oh god, how is spinel gonna react to this version

Me: Well, considering she is still near-totally innocent, she basically asks if she won the game. Yeah. Rose basically cries her eyes out, and tearfully says that, yes, Spinel, you're the winner, and gets an ecstatic hug that feels just a little too tight. 

Upon noticing that Spinel is subtly shying away from the plants, and that the roots of some have actually started growing over her, Rose carefully picks a weary Spinel up, and carries her over to the warp pad back to earth. When Spinel asks where they are going, Rose simply says they are going home, getting a content smile in return. Upon returning through the experimental warp, Rose is bombarded by a storm of panicked shouting from the other gems, only for them to calm down at the ragged Spinel in Rose's arms. 

Rose attempts to brush off the danger of using an untested piece of potentially lethal tech, only for the warp to blow up behind them; none of them were hurt, it was more like a collapse, but the implication that that could've happened while she and Spinel were in the warp stream causes all the gems to shoot Rose looks that scream "We told you so." I'll let you process this while I gather my thoughts.

Flame: oh dear

Me: Yeah, Rose doesn't like to think things through when there are people who need help she can give. After carefully explaining who Spinel was and the situation surrounding her, which involves Pearl face-palming, Garnet pinching the bridge of her nose, Amethyst a little shell-shocked, and Bismuth pummeling a concrete pillar into gravel in anger, they take the sweet gem back home. 

After making sure Spinel is situated comfortably, Rose breaks the news; she never planned on coming back. As Spinel freezes up, whether from shock or hurt is up to debate, Rose explains that she had never understood Spinel, always seeing her as a silly doll that the other Diamonds gave her to be a toy who couldn't take things seriously, with each word causing Spinel to slowly shake her head, shuddering more and more, before Rose apologizes for being a bad friend. 

Before Spinel can completely LOSE IT, Rose, tears of shame, regret, and heartbreak, pulls Spinel into an impromptu hug, begging, pleading, for the chance to let Spinel be happy. After calming down enough not to lash out in out of control pain, Spinel, shaken but not broken, asks as calmly as she can to be alone for a little while. They give her her space. And another pause point!

Flame: I thought she was gonna lose it, I sure would have.

Me: She came VERY CLOSE, but Rose's presence, which she still associates with good things and happier times, manages to keep her just stable enough to go off the deep end. Spinel quickly becomes a regular patient for Priyanka, who makes a point to try and help the child-like gem to grow and develop as an individual like it's her personal missions. 

Over time, Spinel gradually manages to come to terms with her situation. Spinel developed a phobia of plants due to her time in the garden, but also enjoys gardening, seeing it as a representation of her happiest memories, as well as a way to conquer her fear by leveraging control over the plants. 

With prompting from Priyanka for the both of them, Rose and Spinel make an effort to rebuild their old relationship into something healthy for the both of them; for Rose, it is a chance to finally befriend and learn about Spinel as a Gem, and not the toy she treated her as, and for Spinel, it is a way to come to terms with her past and start making new friends in the present and future. 

The two manage to reach a mostly amicable bond, but things occasionally get tense between them; Rose's past actions left deep scars on Spinel's heart, as while she still acts like her happy-go-nuts self, albeit tempered with proper emotional reading, she now holds a deep disdain for other gems and gemkind as a whole, making an exception only for those who've also been burned by Gem Culture and her friends, often acting similar to her initial debut self when communicating with gems who don't meet this small criteria. 

Spinel genuinely loathes the fact that she is a Gem now, and finds human company effortlessly more enjoyable than any time she spends with other gems, no matter how much she views said gems as friends and family (Spinel very much enjoys the concept of family, and sees it as one of the many ways organic beings are superior to Gems in her eyes).

Flame: awww,poor spinel

Me:Yeah, she's a sad bean, but she wouldn't change herself for anything in the universe! Did I ever give the name for this AU? If not, the name is Here For You. One of the biggest divergences from canon in this AU? Rose lives after giving birth!! 

How you may ask? When you are good friends with a doctor, and you suddenly spring on them that you, a non-human, non-organic alien plans to have a half-human child and you most likely won't survive the experience, you can expect them to put their foot down and help with the situation. 

Priyanka essentially grills Rose on everything she knows about her race's biology, such as it is, her understanding of human biology, and makes her research methods to create gemstones and such; Priyanka isn't willing to have Rose relapse into her suicidal impulses again, even if it is to bring a child into this world, and is dead set on finding a way for them both to survive. 

With Priyanka's help, and some scavenged Gem Tech from the Kindergartens, Rose manages to conceive (HA!) A method to have a fully half-gem-half-human child without killing herself. It largely involves artificially mixing her own gem essence with that harvested from old injectors and eating. SO much eating. Rose essentially is ingesting and absorbing the needed materials to build a human fetus and Diamond Proto-Gem together as one, without sacrificing her own gem in the process. And it works!! Mostly.

Flame: what do you mean mostly

Me: Well, the process was completely experimental, and they had no actual clue what they were doing, just making their best guess. The process worked, but it left Rose horrifically weakened. Her Gem's internal structure was dangerously demineralized, as in it lost a lot of minerals that compose its structure, and became insanely fragile and delicate as a result. 

Giving birth essentially permanently crippled Rose; she can no longer shapeshift at all, her bubbles have a high chance of popping after forming and she can no longer teleport them, and a lot, if not all, of her powers besides her healing tears have been hamstrung to near uselessness. 

She is now both weaker, and slower than any human, and constantly falls unconscious at random to conserve her compromised energy reserves. But it was worth it to bring her twins into the world!! ...Maybe that had something to do with it...

Flame: wait, twins!?!

Me: YES!! ULTIMATE SURPRISE REVEAL!! Yeah, in canon, before they settled on whether they were having a son or a daughter, Rose left two tapes behind for whichever gender her child ended up being, Steven Or Nora. So, in this one, she ended up giving birth to Twins!! Nora and Steven Diamond Universe!! 

To clarify, Rose would've been weakened no matter what happened, but giving birth to twins nearly shattered her and permanently affected her abilities, not that she'll ever regret it, though she grows frustrated with how frailly she is treated by the others. You wanna hear about the twins next? 

Oh, and in case I forgot to mention it, the twins were only partially an accident, as Rose didn't intend to have two kids, but is fine with it, she just overdid it on the eating and stuff needed to create the children and had just enough left over to jumpstart the development of a second child. Yeah.

Flame: go on and tell me about the twins!

Me: YES!! Due to Priyanka's influence, both twins end up actually, you know, GOING TO SCHOOL. Steven is, well, basically exactly the same, and still heavily takes after both his dad and Rose's Quartz form, but being around other kids his age has improved his social skills and given him a larger group of peers and pals. 

Nora is a bit of the opposite, polite, a little standoffish, neurotic, snarky when stressed, with a vicious temper towards anyone that hurts or messes with Steven, she basically looks like a miniature, human Pink Diamond in terms of appearance. Nora has a natural knack for her gem powers, and more easily manifests those powers more closely associated with Pink Diamond as opposed to Rose, with her Gem Weapon being a MASSIVE Two-Handed (Zweihander) sword whose foremost section resembles the shield everyone thought it would originally be, whilst still possessing her family's flower motif. 

Nora is the younger of the two by about five minutes, but is much more mature as compared to Steven, not helped by him still having his aging problem while she ages more normally, and people are often shocked at both her age, as her height and attitude give her an older feel, but that she is also both Steven's TWIN and the technical younger of the two!! 

It kinda mindblows people. (I was considering shifting some of Steven's personality, but I couldn't bring myself to do it)

Flame: any last points

Me: Well, Spinel basically becomes Beach City's premiere part-time employee, as she works on and off at literally every place in town at some time or another, and she bluntly refers to Greg as "The Deadbeat." 

Spinel adores the twins, often serving as their babysitter, as well as a babysitter to most of the other kids in town, and basically acts as their bodyguard whenever she goes on missions. Oh! I also have special plans for Lapis, as well as some other Homeworld Gems, but I'll save those for tomorrow. 

Due to their parents being friends, Connie basically grew up with Steven and Nora, and is currently entering the phase of life when people start to develop more mature crushes, and has shown signs of crushing on both of them. Yikes.

[sapphicmsmarvel]

Feysand: Punching Bags

Modern Feysand AU

Feyre breaks up with her abusive boyfriend and goes to a boxing gym to work out aggression. She meets the trainer Cassian who then realizes, hey, you’d like my brother. 

Also: “Hey kiss me, my ex is here.” 

All of the bat boys are actual brothers and Mor is all their cousins. 

No azriel and mor love story for that reason. 

and can we talk about how i got this idea from talking to my therapist

Stupid dick.

Those were my only thoughts as I got out of my car to go into the boxing studio.

Work out your aggression, Alis, my therapist, said to me. You went through an abusive relationship, Feyre. It’ll help get that resentment out.

I sighed again, pulling on the door handle, I could practically smell the sweat. The place was called Blood Rite. Nesta and Elain grimaced at the name after I told them where I was going. There was another thing that caused aggression; judgement from my sisters. 

There were two black haired tan men at the counter, one had shaggy hair that didn’t go past his ears. The other had long hair that was pulled into a bun. I walked up to the counter, the bun-man greeted me, “hi, welcome to Blood Rite, how can I help you?” “Hi, I spoke with someone on the phone that said I could just….come in and punch?” 

He smiled, Jesus he was pretty. “Yeah, just a 50 dollar fee and you can punch till your heart's content.” 

“Thank you,” I paid, I was about to go to the locker rooms when he called out. 

“Miss? We always ask names here, I’m Cassian, this is Azriel.” The shaggy haired one smiled and waved. 

“I’m Feyre.”

“Nice to meet you, Feyre.” I smiled in response. and went to the locker room with my bag. I wasn’t used to smiling at males again, Tamlin didn’t like it and I didn’t want to get hit. I sighed in frustration, I know I couldn’t have left in that situation. But it was still frustrating. I threw my bag into a locker, slid my phone into my leggings pocket and plugged in the headphones. 

I wrapped my hands and began punching, I punched before Tamlin, it was one of those things he “didn’t like me doing”. At first, I didn’t notice the controlling aspects. He blamed it on his ex, Ianthe or whatever. 

Punch. Punch. Punch. 

I didn’t wear the right clothes, I ate too much, I didn’t eat the right foods, I didn’t smile enough, I was too nice, too flirty. 

Why was I not good enough for that piece of shit? What did I do? What did I do to make him so fucking angry that he hit every goddamn day of our relationship?

Every cell of my body was on fire with different emotions, my hands felt numb, it wasn’t because of how much I punched, it was because of the anxiety coursing through my veins. My legs were itching to have kicked him in the balls, at least once. 

I could still feel his hands on me, how he’d grab my shoulders and yank me back to him if I walked away. How every time he was behind me, every hair on my body stood up. 

Someone touched my shoulder. 

Without thinking I spun around and punched them in the face. Then I saw the tan skin and long black hair, Cassian fell to the ground groaning. I ripped my earbuds out of my ears, “oh my god, I’m so sorry!” He groaned, “fucking hell, you throw a punch.” “I’m sorry,” I winced, I offered up a hand to help him up, he grabbed my hand. “Oh thank god it’s not bleeding,” I said.

“It’s alright.” He said, “but damn you throw a good punch.” 

I winced again, he continued, “but I was telling you, we’re closing.” 

My cheeks went crimson, “aw shit, what a way to end your night.”

He shrugged and smiled, “no problem, but I can tell you’re going through some shit, there’s a great place down the road, you seem like you need a friend.”

This dude would totally be a serial killer. “Sure,” I said, “What’s the name, I could meet you there?” Eh, what else did I have to lose? I was living in my sister's basement.

“Great, there’s this place called Rita’s down the road, I’ll be there in ten, I have to close down the computers and turn on the whole security protocol.” 

I nodded, “okay, see you there.” I ran off to go get my bag, I went to my car and hoped to god that I didn’t get killed tonight. 

------------------------------------

Rita’s was a bar. I quickly looked up their menu on my phone, Cassian said he’d be here in ten because all he had to do was close down the computers because Azriel took care of the money. 

Ugh, they had truffle fries, what a blessing. 

I saw him walk up to the doors and wait, I looked at the clock, he was right on time. I swallowed down the bundle of nerves, what if Tamlin showed? My stomach fell to my ass. 

I swallowed my fear and met him at the door, he offered me his arm, and I took it, smiling. We went and sat at a table, a waitress came, we ordered. 

He sighed and looked at me kindly. “So, you want me to ask the hard question or the easy ones?” 

“Give me an example of both.” 

“Easy: what’s your favorite color?” not red, “Hard: what made you so angry that you punched me that hard?” He asked, concerned. 

My stomach sank, “blue.” I answered the first one. 

He nodded, “Mines red, favorite food?”

“Truffle fries.” I said, “Chicken wings. This place has the best truffle fries.” He said wistfully. 

“Yeah, I saw their menu online, definitely going to enjoy those. So do you own the gym?” 

“I run it with my brothers, Azriel and Rhysand.” 

“Ah.” I said, awkwardly closing the conversation. 

It was awkward now, making friends was never my strong suit, it was Elains. 

“You should really talk about what’s bothering you.” He said gently, I nodded, “no judgement?” 

“Nope. But you’re so much like my brother, not talking about shit, afraid of being a burden.”

I huffed a laugh, “wow, you really attacked me with that one.”

“Hey, I know shit. So tell me.”

So I did, I spilled my guts to a complete stranger, I told him everything. From Tamlin and I meeting, first date, first signs of abuse. Everything. He held my hand. 

I made a friend.

---------------------------------------------------------------

A few more months went by, Cassian and I had a routine of me going to the studio every Monday, Wednesday and Friday night. Cas staying an hour after hours for us to talk, work out, whatever and then getting food after. 

But tonight was different. Cassian invited me out with his friends, who apparently have been dying to meet me after accidentally giving him a black eye. Azriel and him talked me up, I have never met Rhysand, he only came in on weekends and weekends were the days I dedicated to myself.

But I’ve heard the other regular girls gush about him. 

I wore skin tight black jeans, black shirt with no sleeves that was skin tight and had a cut out by my breasts. If I lifted my arms, the shirt exposed my midriff. Tamlin had forbidden this shirt, so I felt it was needed to break it out again. My muscles from working out and punching shit showed off quite nicely and I had heeled black boots. 

I shoved my phone in my pocket, grabbed my leather jacket and headed out. I thought I had managed to avoid my sisters’ gazes but nope, Nesta is like a hawk.

“Where the hell are you going looking like that?”

“Out.” I said as I grabbed my keys.

“Feyre.”

“Nesta.” I said, warning in my voice as I turned around to face her. I wouldn’t be backing down, I will never back down again. 

Elain turned the corner, her eyes widening at my outfit, “where are you going?”

“She says she’s going ‘out’.” Nesta said. 

Elain hummed, “well, have fun Fey.” She smiled, a genuine, real smile, grabbed her hot chocolate and left the room.

I looked at Nesta with a ‘ha’ expression and opened the door to the garage, but not before I heard her go, “be safe.” I sighed as the door shut, if I went back in, it’d kill Nesta’s pride, me knowing that she cares. I brushed it off, I was going to have fun tonight with friends. Well, friends of a friend.

Good enough for me.

------------------------------

Rita’s was packed, I tapped my fingers on the steering wheel in anxiety, okay I got this. 

I pulled out my phone to text Cassian, I’m here. 

Three dots popped up, fuck yeah, i’m on my way to the parking lot. 

 I smiled and got out, it was warm for March but the sun was gone so it was chilly again. Clutching my jacket closer to my body, I walked to the doors. 

I ignored the creeps outside, Cassian came out and greeted me with a hug, “heya Feyre.” He waggled his eyebrows at the rhyme.

I rolled my eyes, “that was awful.”

“Get used to it, the group is ready with stories and puns for you.”

“Is it too late for me to leave?” I joked as he pulled me into the building.

“Yup, you’re stuck with me and now them.” 

My heart warmed at being accepted so quickly, Lucien didn’t accept me quickly. My heart then cooled at the thought of him. I missed him. 

“What’re you thinking about?” He said as we walked to the back of the club. “It’s just...been awhile since I’ve been out like this.” I shrugged. 

He nodded and squeezed my hand in comfort. 

We found the group in the back, well, I’m assuming they’re the group based on the fact that Azriel is there too. When he saw me he smiled (which was rare and I was so happy to see it), he got out of the giant booth to hug me, which again, surprised me but I was glad for it. 

“Everybody, this is Feyre.” I waved awkwardly as both brothers had their arms around me. 

“I’m Morrigan,” said the beautiful blonde. 

“Amren.” The other woman said, she was beautifully terrifying,

“And I’m Rhysand.” Said the most beautiful man I’ve ever seen. He had the most beautiful eyes, Jesus christ. Were they violet?

I knew there was good genes in that family (hello look at Cassian and Azriel) but fucking hell. I smiled at all of them, don’t be an idiot, Feyre

Cassian let me slide in on the left side first of the u shaped booth, then he slid in after me. I was right next to Morrigan who hugged me, “I’m so glad to finally meet you!” She squealed. 

“I can’t believe you punched Cassian.” Rhysand laughed downing his whiskey. 

“She’s working on her anger management.” Cassian joked.

“Watch it, I can punch you again. And this time, it’ll be on purpose.” I gave him a look that had him howling. 

The others started laughing which eased the knot that was formed in my belly. Morrigan began telling more stupid stories about Cassian. Turns out they were cousins, Jesus everyone is related except Amren. 

Eventually, Cassian and Morrigan worked together to drag Amren and Azriel out onto the dance floor. 

“I can’t believe we kept missing each other.” Rhysand said. 

“I know,”

“Was it worth the wait?”

I pretended to think about it, “hmm, I finally met the great Rhysand and he doesn’t ask me to dance? Not really.” Okay, I need to stop drinking. 

But he smiled, those violet eyes twinkling. “I guess that means I can’t disappoint.” He got up and offered me his hand, I smiled and took it. 

He led me onto the dance floor, “just an fyi, I haven’t danced on the club floor in about three years.” I warned. Another thing Tamlin ruined for me. 

“Well, then, let’s dust off those moves!” Last Friday Night by Katy Perry started playing. 

I nearly rolled my eyes but then Rhysand started twirling me around, I started laughing. He then did some weird disco which nearly killed me. He pulled me into his arms, him and I danced together, his hands on my swaying hips, it felt freeing. We kept laughing and I felt light. 

Haven’t felt this in years. 

I saw a flash of familiar bronze hair, my stomach sank, it was Lucien. ANd next to him, Tamlin. Motherfucker. I quickly turned into Rhysand who noticed immediately, “what?” He whispered. 

“Keep dancing,” I said breathlessly, “him and his friend are over at the bar.” 

“Who?” 

“My ex. Blond and redhead guys, blond is my ex.” 

“The ex?” He referenced, Cassian told me that Rhysand had asked about my story, and he told it with my permission. 

“Yes.” I said, nerves fluttering in my stomach. 

“Hey, hey, hey, it’s okay. But they’re looking.” 

“Fuck. Kiss me, please?” “Darling, you don't have to ask. Been thinking about it all night.” I turned my head, he went down and met me. This kiss was seering. My fingers wove themselves into his hair, my fingernails scraped his scalp and he groaned into my mouth. His hands slid up my waist, he gently squeezed my mid riffe, his fingers cold against my hot skin.  

We pulled away, he checked, “they’re gone.” I smiled, “thank you.” 

“Anytime.” He smiled back. 

The group found us, it was obvious we had kissed, both our lips were swollen, his hair was a mess thanks to me, and his hands were still on my wrist. 

They were about to say something, when Juice by Lizzo started playing. Cassian shouted and dragged me to go dance with him, I grabbed Rhys, who grabbed Az, who grabbed Mor and she grabbed Amren. All of us ended up in a dance circle just being idiots. 

Mor and I duetted the bridge of the song, “somebody come get this man, I think he got lost in my dms!” 

“What!” 

“My dms!”

“What!” 

“You better come get your man, I think he wanna be way more than friends!”

“What!” 

“More than friends!” 

We danced a few more hours away, when the others got tired, but I didn’t wanna go home. It was 2 in the morning but I felt alive. Rhysand and I went down to a diner, the others were ready to throw in their dancing shoes but since I wanted to stay out; which never happened, Rhysand stayed out with me. I didn’t have to worry about coming home to an angry man who would beat me. 

I felt so free. 

We pulled up to a 90s themed diner, the car ride wasn’t awkward but it wasn’t at ease, that kiss loomed over us. 

“I’m sorry about that kiss,” I said, once we were seated, my conscious just wouldn’t let me wait till later. 

“It’s okay,” he smiled. “I didn’t mind it.” 

I smiled. The waitress came over and we both ordered milkshakes. “I craved milkshakes like crazy whenever I went out.” I said. 

“When was the last time you went out like this?” 

I sighed, trying not to let the smile slip, “three years. But hey, I made some pretty amazing friends tonight, and I met you.” Vodka makes me ballsy, never again. 

“I’m different from a friend?” He asked, smiling. 

I nodded, “I don't kiss my friends.” Not like that, at least. 

“So is this a date?” He asked, quirking his eyebrow. 

I nodded, “I think so.” 

“Thank God, cause seriously, you’re beautiful.” He said, “and I’m a lucky man.” 

I smiled, little did I know, this was the beginning of the rest of my life.

[captain-annoyingbouquetpupp-blog]

hello how are u?

Idon’t know what it’s like to watch someone die suddenly. I can only speak to watching them die slowly. Except it isn’t slowly. It is something else. Time shatters. Skies swallow them. Multiple skies. There is a soundtrack. There is a light show. Different for every death and every loved one left behind. And then there is just you. A miniature version of you that is quietly on fire. You are Polly Pocket. You are Polly Pocket standing in the middle of a tiny, hollow forest fire. This should horrify and anger you, Polly. You live in Death’s pocket. There’s a bed, a kitchenette, a bathroom and a forest fire. It all matches. It’s all bright pink because you are a girl. It’s blue if you’re a boy. Which isn’t fair. None of it is fair. I’m sorry Peter Pocket, I wish we could change colors. I’m sorry Peter, you think you can scream but you can’t. You can’t even talk really. So the fire eats you, like it eats me. It eats me like the cancer ate the bodies of my loved ones. Slowly and then enough. Enough.

Complicated grief “they” call it. “They” equals, “Who the fuck are you?”

Ilove making my therapist laugh. Oops.

She thinks I deserve physical contact. “Hey, leave the jokes to me, Lady!” I zing, but it’s very charming, very charm-zing, “Have you ever read Plotinus?”

Before she can answer, time is up. Okay, I’ll just tuck this therapy receipt into my dead dad’s fanny-pack that I am currently wearing and be on my way.

I only read like a page of Plotinus’ stuff but get this, he was a philosopher who was ashamed of having a body. And right now that just feels so right. Should I date him? The answer is nope. Plotinus was ashamed of having a body because he thought his spirit was too amazing to be contained in a body. I shouldn’t date him because if we were at the food court in the Topanga Mall in 2003 and that John Mayer “Bigger Than My Body” song started playing, he’d be like, “This is me! This is ME!” and I would be mortified in front of the staff and everyone in line at Sbarro. Again. Once is enough, Plotinus. Sbarro me the pain, I’ve Sbarro’d enough.

Plotinus, you and I share the same shame but we are so different. You are like John Mayer and I am not a dick.

I’ve had body shame. Of course I have. As a teenager I was awful to my body. I starved it and binged it and let idiot boys violate it. Even when I got a little better, I still complained about my hot bod for all of my twenties. But I have stumbled upon a new kind of body shame. A deeper shame. I’m ashamed of having a body because it ends. It’s so embarrassing. Your body will end. Yours and mine. I saw it happen to someone I loved so much. Twice. In two years. Back to back. I saw my dad’s body end. I watched it end. Yellow, gaunt, swollen, then gone. Wrapped in a white shroud, carried down my sister’s steps, his feet sticking out of the sheet on the stretcher. They bumped his head on the gate. My sister and I saw it happen. We wanted to tell him that they bumped his head on the gate, but there we were, stuck in the very first moment of never being able to tell him anything.

His body ended at sixty-two. Samantha’s body ended at thirty-seven. My friend. She was beautiful. Striking. She had bones and breasts and liters of blood and then like an epic and shitty magic trick, all of those things disappeared. I watched cancer suck her teeth and then drown her. I watched cancer eat my father’s eyes. I heard him breathe a few hundred cancerous, morphine death sighs and then poof, gone. Watch your head on the gate, Dad. Why didn’t you say, “Ow”? Why didn’t you move your head? Why didn’t you lift your head up and say, “Hey watch the gate, will ya fellas?” to the funeral parlor guys? Oh. Oh. Right.

My dad died in March of 2015. Samantha even helped me grieve. She had lost her father at age fifteen. She was diagnosed with stage IV lung cancer in November of 2015. She never smoked. She ran half-marathons. She almost didn’t tell me when she was diagnosed, to protect me from more cancer. I’m lucky she told me because hearts are not really for protecting, they are for getting obliterated. She died October of 2016. But timelines don’t even matter. Grief is like time-travel, except it sucks. Think Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure meets The Diary of Anne Frank. You visit the dead where the drinks have little umbrellas but no taste. You meet them in the Bermuda Triangle — three separate, swirling worlds — their illness, their death, and their life before those two inexcusable mistakes.

Being died on isn’t easy. It’s much worse to be very ill and then die. Duh. I know they had to do the impossible thing. They had to suffer beyond words and squeeze in their last laughs and cast their eternal love spells and sum up their life experience or not sum it up at all and then they had to vanish. But I had to watch, helpless. I have specifics if you want them. I have hundreds of specifics if you want them. They live in me. In my plastic stomach. My formica head. My heart that is bloated with pain. I had to watch them die, slowly. Until it was sudden. Until it was final. And now I just have to be here. I mean I’m lucky to be here but goddamn.

The amount of grief that’s coursed through my body is too much. Death. Divorce. Death. Death. If you acquire too many losses in a short period of time, are you just a loser now? Probably yeah. I don’t have cancer but cancer has gutted me and made me pretty much feral and deranged. Very subtly. Thanks, cancer, you’re a shitbag. For two years cancer has made me say I’m fine because I’m not the one with cancer. Also, in a total dick reverse move, cancer-grief has even made me accidentally torture a cancer patient/survivor with my suffocating, desperate love. The subtext of all of my mistakes: PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME PLEASE DON’T DIE. Cool! Way to go, Me! Way to ADD some bullshit to a cancer patient’s plate.

Speaking of plates, did you know grief can destroy many parts of you? Did you know that the complications of grief can be delayed? That when a major death occurs, you are often just in shock for the first year? So when everyone forgets about your loss, that’s when it starts to pummel you the hardest? My appetite and digestion are fucked. It’s exhausting. My insides aren’t working right. My insides seize up. Like they used to do when my dad would burst into my room yelling at me. I’d try to fit under my bed. I’d try to get small. Now I can. Now that I am Polly Pocket. When you are Polly Pocket you can disappear a little. You can move the furniture around in Death’s pocket. You can gaze out at the pink flames as you sip your pink lava tea. People will let you disappear if you fight for that. They’re busy. Or more loyal to your ex. Or not thinking about you. Or if they do, if they reach out, you should probably stay home and tend to this fire, Polly.

An unfortunate side effect of trying to become invisible is that you don’t become invisible. It’s very troubling. You can disappear but people can still see you. And boy do they see you. When your body has changed significantly, people often talk about it to your face. I lost 20 pounds from grief. Just grief. No cool healthy diet/exercise thing. Loss of appetite. Trauma-related nausea. Severe constipation with a side of bleeding asshole. HOT. I’m 5 foot 2 inches. I was 128 pounds, now I’m 108 pounds. People notice.

People love it! “Divorce looks great on you.” “You’re in such great shape!” “What are you doing, you look amazing.” “You’re a babe now.” “So good for on-camera work.”

People hate it! “Don’t lose any more weight, you’re too thin.” “Oh my god, I didn’t even recognize you.” “You’re so tiny.” “You look like a young Willem Dafoe.” (Okay, I added the last one.)

I have never felt more exposed. More embarrassed. More at a loss for words. I have to wear my trauma in public. I have to take it with me on stage to my comedy shows. I had to take it to my grandma’s funeral, my dad’s mom. The funeral he skipped because he was too dead to attend. He died March 12th, 2015, she died on September 11th, 2016 (hilarious move to piggy-back onto a national tragedy, Grandma.). But timelines don’t even matter. Think Back to the Future meets Nell meets Weekend At Bernie’s.

[adorkablemusicman]

#LostAndFound Hayden & Violet- #TheMeetCute

Vi: [I wasn’t ready to start a new school. Well it wasn’t that I wasn’t ready. It was more that I didn’t want to. My Dad had a bad night, a very sleepless night where he was in pain and his medication wasn’t helping. A doctor was going to come out while I was gone today to review his painkillers. I was the sort of girl that kept to myself so I didn’t care about being the ‘new girl’, mostly because I had no intention of actually speaking to anyone. The objective was go to school, do my thing and then come home. My grandmother gave me money for lunch, apparently you had to upload it onto your school card or something and then you used that to pay. Very modern and fancy. She also snuck a homemade birthday brownie into my bag. I loved her. Mom dropped me off out the front of the building. “Do you want me to come in with you?” she asked.]

No, it’s bad enough I’m the new girl on her birthday. I don’t need my mommy playing escort. [I retorted back and sighed when I saw her expression. One of tiredness and hurt.] I didn’t mean that. I just mean I’m not a kid. I love you.

[I bid my mother a quick goodbye, ensured I had my phone with me and took the walk of a few yards to the school doors where I could introduce myself to the office lady with a stammer. Poor human.]

I’m Violet Temple… today’s my first day.

Hayden

[Sunday night turned into a late one unintentionally but it happens a helluva lot when I get lost in my writing and I’ve been trying to pen a couple of songs at the same time. Really my concentration should be on my school work, I have so much to reacquaint myself with that's for damn sure. And still my gut instinct always goes straight back to my music, my muse loudest when I should definitely be working on something far more important.

Come early Monday morning I'm hanging hard from lack of sleep but I can’t say I’m not buzzed. It’s 8.15 when I pull into the school parking lot, my hands steady on the wheel for sure but the shot of espresso I’d picked up on the way in was definitely kicking in right about now. I would need it this mornin’ thats a sure certainty, what with me showing the new student around. I didn’t mind it, I like meeting new people but its also evident, at least in my mind that I’m not in a very sociable kinda mood. Then again who the heck is on a Monday morning I suppose. I jump outta my truck and slam the door heavily, taking in the still half empty lot. It was way too early, earlier than I usually bother to get here but I wanted to stop by the music room and the Canteen before heading to the principal's office. En route from the Music room a little while later, halls are starting to fill up, the buzzer for homeroom only about 10 minutes or so away. I’ve managed to book time in the music room for myself and the guys every Wednesday up until the spring dance, which is only Seven weeks away. The theme hasn’t been picked yet and I’m not that much into the formalities of it but I’m hopeful we can get the gig if we keep up with practice. I debate picking up a coffee before heading to my appointment at the school office and decide I can manage it and still be on time. As it turns out the coffee machine is on the slow side this morning or damn it maybe it’s because I’m in a hurry but whatever the reason, I barely make it to the front office with a second to spare, bypassing the ditzy Ms Campbell on Reception as I all but skid into the Principals office without knocking.

‘Hey, I’m late, sorry I’m late, you know…’

[ I clock the principal, sitting on the edge of his desk, halfway through saying something about schedules and maps, turning as I crash into the room, my coffee sloshing a little over the side of my paper cup, hitting the floor with a splat.]

Damn it...I’ll clean that…[ I shake my head and chuckle, casting a glance over to the young girl seated in the chair opposite.] ...It’s errr, been a busy mornin’, I’m all yours now.

Vi:

[Everyone I’d met so far seemed perfectly nice. The lady on the reception desk and then the Principal. I had my schedule, a diary for recording assignments and a map so I didn’t get lost - though I wasn’t really at one with directions. It just seemed like a normal school with everyone doing their normal thing. As I waited for my chaperone slash tour guide slash school buddy - jeez, how dorky, I could see students being dropped off in cars, gatherings on the front lawns before people made their way in and all I could think about was how I would rather be at home. I wanted to make my Dad his ice tea when his temperature was up, I wanted to read the comic section from the newspaper to him. Instead I had English, Math, Gym and French to deal with today. I was glancing at the clock and time was ticking. But moments later the door flung open, I heard a splat of liquid on the linoleum floor before I saw a person. I was already grabbing a tissue from my pocket to sink onto my knees and wipe it up.]

It’s okay, I got it. [I let the tissue suck up the coffee splodge and looked up at the… woah it was a guy. He was around my age and looked… exhausted. Handsome was my second thought but first was exhausted. But his smile was welcoming and I got up to my feet.]

You’re my ‘buddy’? [I asked @WhereDorkBegins, my voice accidentally laced with a tone of surprise.] I’m sorry, I didn’t mean for it to sound like that. I’m Violet.

Hayden

Yeah thats me... [ I answer hearing the surprise laced in  @ViFeelinShy’s voice, offering a smile as I take a couple seconds to fully appreciate how pretty she is, not that I’m not used to seeing a pretty girl but that, I hadn’t been considering a lot this morning apart from getting to school on time to keep my ass out of detention again.] I’m Hayden [ I offer Vi my hand as she stands and it might come across a little awkward, mainly on my part because I’m not sure if I’m keeping it cool, or why it even matters that I do.] Oh you didn’t have to…[I nod to the floor where the coffee spill was seconds earlier] But yeah, thanks. [ I give Principal Roberts a nod before turning my attention back to Violet.] And hey, no problem, I’ll try my best not to be offended I promise. [ I grin around my coffee cup as I take a sip and hope that came across the way I’d intended, suddenly it seems important that I make a good impression on this girl.

Principal Roberts gives Vi his brief introduction of me and how I’m the perfect student to show her around even though my Grade point average could use some improvement. He then jokes rather awkwardly that she could consider tutoring me in Math at some point, given her previous grades at her old school. I would feel bad for @ViFeelinShy but I’m too busy cringing myself and casting an eye to the clock on the wall. I hold open the door for Vi after the principal finally excuses us, not wanting us to be too late for homeroom and would you believe it we both had English together. Vi collects some paperwork from the secretary and joins me in the hall, the hustle and bustle has died away as students can be heard scrapping back chairs and chatting to each other behind closed classroom doors.]

So...that was fun..[ I shake my head with a low chuckle, shifting the weight of my bag on my shoulder.] I swear I’m not usually this wired..[I lift my coffee cup to emphasise my point] Well darn, I am to be honest. Might as well be honest..

[We stop by @ViFeelinShy’s locker and I offer to help with the standard combination, jiggling the door in a certain way when it gets a little stuck.] I had that locker last year...it can be a pain sometimes. [ Another grin her way and I hope I’m not being a total pain in the ass, I have a feeling if I was then Violet would be polite about it.]

So, where did you move from? Its gotta suck starting a new school real late…

[We’re not far from homeroom but there’s still a good ten minutes left and Ms Lockler wouldn’t mind if we were a bit late, given its Vi’s first day.

Vi:

[@WhereDorkBegins was polite enough, I just wasn’t all that good at talking to people that I just met. I got nervous and awkward. Jeez, the therapist was right, the diary was a good idea. But then did that make me my own brand of cuckoo? Hayden guided me through the school like a perfect tour guide, pointing different rooms out, the bathrooms, which people to avoid. I held my bag over my shoulder and clutched my books against my chest until I was shown my locker. Then I felt exposed. I placed the books into the locker that honestly smelt like boy but fortunately not in a disgusting way. More in a “I bathed in aftershave” kind of way. I could cope with that. I’d borrow a hanging scented air freshener from my mom tomorrow to put in here. I liked vanilla. And I digress as usual. I was lost in my own thoughts when I realised @WhereDorkBegins was talking to me. He must have thought I was terribly rude as I stared into space.]

Move from? Oh, Atlanta, Georgia. [I nodded in agreement with the boy, starting a new school this late into the semester did suck. I was brutally aware of people walking past me and staring at the ‘new girl’ but then I was equally aware that the boy in front of me was cute. He’d overdone the gel a little perhaps but he’d still make the centerfold of teenage magazines easily.] To be honest, I’d rather be at home. This wasn’t my choice. [I murmured quietly with a tinge of sadness, leaning against the lockers.]

Hayden

Wouldn't we all rather be at home… [ I grin, tilting my head to catch her eye line.] Actually, I'd rather be playing my guitar, but I'm not exactly the academic type… [We start the walk to home room, I'm holding back a little because I'm in no hurry to get there, enjoying this girls company, even though she's hard to read right now. I wouldn't take kindly to being hauled into a new school either. Lord knows there has to be a good reason for it but I don't want to ask too many questions given that we've just met.

  I introduce her to the tutor and give her arm a gentle squeeze of support as the teacher introduces her to the rest of the class. I slide behind my desk and give her a hopefully comforting smile, easily distracted when #Matt and #Heather start chatting to me.

The bell goes for next class and as everyone files towards the hallway akin to a herd of rampaging wildebeest, I introduce Vi to Matt, Kelly and Heather, wanting her to feel more at ease on her first day.

The morning passes and it turns out we both have the same English and Math class, a fact I'm quietly celebrating that's for sure. When the buzzer for Lunch goes I hang back from my group of friends, catching Vi talking to the teacher, probably on what she's got to catch up on.]

‘You like her don't deny it’ Matt quips as he moves past me, punching my shoulder the way he does. I shake my head but can't stop my smile even as he says it.]

Shut up… Gotta admit she's cute though, no denying it.

‘Yeah, yeah… Way too good for you,man.’

[Another chesty laugh from one of my best friends and bandcmates and I flip him a V, turning quick to Vi as she steps out into the corridor.]

Hey, so lunchtime I usually head to the diner across the street, was just going to check if you wanted to join a few of us…

[ I'm hopeful and maybe a little over zealous here but I wanted to get to know Vi better and I hoped that wasn't coming off too strong.]

Vi:

[@WhereDorkBegins looked after me all morning. He told me who to avoid, student and teacher wise, the sort of people who would have my back. Of course he told me my first choice should be him and his friends. I listened to him talk about music and his guitar. It seemed that we were polar opposites with nothing in common, he describing himself as the non-academic type whereas when I was in the right frame of mind, I liked school and I liked to learn. But he was my ‘buddy’ and nobody else seemed keen to talk to me or build friendships so he was who I had for now. The thing I did like though? His smile put me at ease. I couldn’t work out why but in each lesson he had made sure he caught my gaze, he’d smile and sometimes wink. I was walking behind him down a corridor as we’d just left Math and his friend talked to him - I think he said his name was Matt. I couldn’t hear their conversation but it was obviously hilarious. It was followed by another welcoming smile as I caught up to them. I blinked more than once at Hayden’s question. Not that I’d been asked, well maybe a little but at another concept.]

You’re allowed to leave school grounds here? [I couldn’t believe it.] You got suspended for that at my last school.

[Well done, Violet, you sound like you’re ten years old. My mom had packed a lunch but I could abandon that, or eat it at the diner. Though that’d probably be frowned upon. Then I remembered. I’d been so occupied by school, I hadn’t checked my phone.]

Hold that thought. I’m in, but just give me a second. [I rummaged around my bag for my phone and found it at the bottom. There was a text from my Dad wishing me luck. I’d cherish mundane messages like that. I quickly tapped out a reply.

“School is fine, the people are really nice and helpful. We’ll watch your documentary later. Miss you, Dad. Love Vi” I sent it and shoved it into my pocket. I felt guilty for enjoying my morning of education. There was an hour for lunch but I didn’t know the area well enough to go home for it. So I committed myself to the lunch plans with Hayden and his friends.]

Lets go. [I smiled with a slight unease.] #EndFlashback