#often it still hits. probably because i've only been doing it for like 4 months lmao but still

[kalashtars]

starting a commonplace book and actually committing to it was one of the best things I've done this year. this is your sign to start a commonplace book 🫵

[heavyhitterheaux]

Ghost Part 4

AN: 💕

Synopsis: The two of you have finally gotten on the same page regarding Ace and Jack has shown you that he's all in when it comes to his and Ace's relationship. However, he ends up taking one step forward and a hundred steps backward when your safety is compromised

Pairing: Jack Harlow x Reader

Read Part 1, Part 2, and Part 3 first

Please Do Not Repost My Content Anywhere

Sitting in your car in front of your apartment building, you let out a loud sob that you had been holding in since the judge had made her decision.You were confident that she would rule in your favor, but the only thing or person on your mind rather was Ace.

He had gotten so used to seeing Jack often that you weren't quite sure how he was going to adjust to only being able to see him every other weekend. And you didn't know the first step in how to explain that to him and more than likely he probably wouldn't even understand. This was the last thing you wanted to ever happen, and you thought for sure that Jack would meet you halfway in order to do what was best for Ace, but once again his pride got in the way.

You had lost track of time and didn't know how long you were sitting in your car crying when you grabbed a tissue from your purse in order to wipe your face and make yourself look a bit more presentable. Blaire wasn't going to bring Ace back until later in the day and you still had some time to kill. It was simply decided that you would get into some comfy clothes and watch Disney plus because you figured that was probably the only thing that could somewhat lift your mood. 

Before you started watching anything, you sent a simple message to the group chat since you knew that they had been waiting to hear from you.

You- I got full custody of Ace 

Blaire- 👀👀👀

Nadia- As you should. What them child support payments looking like?

You- 40,000 a month

Liv- DAMN he actually got lucky. For a celebrity, I’ve heard of people paying a lot more than that.

Blaire- But how are you feeling overall?

You- Sad for Jack believe it or not

Liv- He got what was coming to him smh I don’t feel bad because he brought this on himself

Nadia- I second that 

You-  But now I have to tell Ace and I don’t know how he’s going to take it

Jack was in a daze driving home from the courthouse and the realization was hitting him that he didn't do anything but make things more complicated for himself. He had now driven a bigger wedge in between the two of you and knew deep down that no matter how much he apologized to you that it wouldn't be enough. He wanted to have a relationship with his son, but also wanted to have a healthy relationship with you too and at this point even getting you to talk to him was going to be a challenge.

He had gotten home and didn't realize that Clay had been following him and pulled up behind his car in the driveway. Jack sighed to himself not wanting to hear him say ‘I told you so’ again since he had a feeling that he would never let him live this down. He knows that he fucked up and doesn’t need to hear it over and over again. 

Once he stepped out of the car, Clay was next to him with his hands stuffed in his pockets and simply looked at him.

“Clay, not now. Please not now.” Jack said as he pinched the bridge of his nose.

“I'm just here for support. What just happened was a lot to take in and even though you've been treating me like shit the last few months, you're still my big brother and I still care about how you’re feeling.”

“I know and I'm sorry. I just… There isn't any excuse for the way I've been acting and treating you as if you're not important to me when you know that you are. I just want that close relationship that you have with Ace and I’m jealous of it and not afraid to admit it. You've been in his life since he was four weeks old and I can't say the same thing. Y/N is never going to forgive me now. I wish I would have talked to her when she gave me the chance.”

“That is literally all she has wanted from the very beginning. She never wanted it to get to this point and she actually low key thinks that you hate her.” Clay quietly said as they both walked into Jack’s house.

“What? I could never hate her. I don't hate her. Why would she think that? Never mind, don't answer that. I… get it.”

“And you failed to realize how this would affect Ace because he's the one that's at the center of this whole thing.”

“And now I can't even see him how I want to.”

“You now have to make it up to not only Ace but Y/N too.”

“And I don't have any idea on where to start.”

“You already know what you need to do and no one should have to tell you that. You can start by being the best father you can possibly be to Ace. This isn't rocket science, but you damn sure know how to make things more complicated. Are we sure that you’re even the older one at this point?” Clay asked while smirking and Jack gave him a small smirk in return and shrugged his shoulders. 

Jack's mood had been off for the rest of the time that had passed until it was his weekend with Ace and he wanted to get himself together before you dropped him off. But he just couldn't shake this being his new reality. He knew now that he should have talked to you and simply let you explain, but his thoughts of you moving and taking Ace flooded his mind and that was the only thing that he could think of. But all in all, he just made a bigger mess. 

He had sent you multiple text messages with you responding in ten words or less and it wasn’t because you were being mean or trying to spite him, you genuinely had no idea what to say to him at this point. Until you did, there was no reason for you to give him a longer response. 

It was a little awkward when the person supervising the visit, Britney showed up at his house ten minutes before you were going to drop Ace off and knew that he had to prove to her and to the court that he could take care of Ace and take care of him properly. But most importantly, he wanted to prove it to you. 

Once he saw your car pull up, he went outside to meet the two of you as you were helping Ace out of the back of the car. You were grabbing Ace’s backpack that had all of his toys (and told him that he could only bring three because Jack had an entire playroom in his house specifically for him) and clothes when you heard his voice.

“Hi Y/N.”

“Hi.” You responded while barely looking at him and took a deep breath before continuing to talk.

“His clothes, shoes, and toys are in here and I'll come and get him Sunday at 5.” Was all you said as you handed him Ace’s backpack and Ace was simply looking between the two of you.

“Um, okay.” 

“Make sure he's ready by then for me to come and get him. Okay, Ace, give me kisses.”

You kneeled down to his height and he immediately embraced you and it seemed as if he was holding onto you as if he didn't want you to leave.

“Mommy, can you stay?” Ace asked as he pulled away from you.

“Ace, you're going to have fun with daddy and I'll see you in two days, promise.”

“And we can call mommy before you go to sleep.” Jack chimed in with an attempt to make it less awkward, but he knew that this was probably going to take a while.

“Will you sing to me when I do?” Ace asked, looking at you hopeful. Just about every single night, after the two of you read a book, you would sing him to sleep.

“Of course. Anything for my baby boy.”

—

“Daddy, you okay?” Ace asked Jack as he looked over at him and saw that he was staring off into space when they were supposed to be baking brownies. Peanut butter and chocolate, which he learned how to make from you which had now become his favorite.

“Oh, I'm fine. Now let's get this batter in the pan so we can watch a movie.”  Jack answered as he ruffled Ace's curly hair that resembled his.

“Can we watch Cars!?”

“Of course we can and when our brownies are done, we have ice cream to go with them.”

“But you still look sad. Are you sad about mommy?” Hearing Ace say that made Jack's breath hitch and he simply sighed before saying anything else. To only be three almost four, Ace was incredibly smart and picked up on a lot of things that went on around him.

“You definitely notice everything, don't you?” He asked as Ace simply smiled and nodded.

“I hurt her and I don't think that she's ever going to forgive me.”

“Just say sorry. That should make it all better. Mommy has a big heart like me.”

“That she does, but I don't think that's going to be enough.”

“Well, I still think you should try.”

“Ace….”

“For me?” Ace asked while looking up at his father with eyes that resembled his.

“Now you know that I have a hard time telling you no. And stop with the puppy dog eyes!”

“So you’ll do it!?”

“I’ll try for you.” 

The next few months came and went with the celebration of Ace turning four, and Jack having to do more and more appearances and fly around the country. When that happened, Ace would just stay with you until the next weekend that he was able to come and get him once he was back in Louisville, since he wasn’t allowed to take him across state lines yet. It was Friday afternoon and you were cleaning up your classroom as Ace was sitting at one of the tables coloring when he suddenly asked you about Jack.

“Mommy…”

“Yes?”

“Can daddy come over for a movie night?” He asked while turning around to look at you. 

“Um, Ace we have to see. Daddy might be busy.” You said while grabbing your purse from underneath the desk and taking out your keys.

“Can we call him?”

“Sure, we can call him once we get outside in the car. Come here so I can help you put your jacket on. We can finish coloring at home.”

Ace was secured in the back of the car when you slid into the driver’s seat and attempted to turn the car on. The only problem was that it wouldn’t. 

“You can’t be serious right now.” You muttered to yourself as you lightly laid your head on the steering wheel. Liv had taken a half day today in order to go to a few doctor’s appointments so you know that you couldn’t call her. Nadia would still be at work, and Blaire didn’t close the bakery until seven.

So, that left one person.

Jack.

You sighed as you dialed his number and he picked up on the second ring.

“Hello? Y/N? Are you okay? Is Ace okay?”

“Hey, we’re fine. But I need a favor. Are you at home?” You mumbled because you didn’t like asking him for help, but at this point you needed it.

“Of course. Yeah, I just got back in. What’s going on?” Jack asked as he was looking for the Chinese take out menu from his favorite spot. 

“I’m at work with Ace and my car decided that it doesn’t want to start.”

“Say less. Drop me the location and I’ll come get both of you.”

“Thank you, I’m sorry to ask, but….”

“No need to apologize. I’m on my way now.”

It took less than twenty minutes and you finally saw Jack’s jeep pull up beside you and this made Ace yell in excitement.

“Looks like you get to see daddy after all, huh?” You said as you peeked at him in the backseat and he excitedly nodded towards you.

Jack hopped out while coming over to you and opening your door.

“Thank you again for doing this.” You said and Jack simply waved you off.

“It’s not a big deal, Y/N.”

“I didn’t take you away from anything did I?”

Jack immediately shook his head no as he opened the back door and unstrapped Ace from his car seat and picked him up.

“Hi daddy. I told mommy to call you because I missed you.”

“I missed you too, bubs.” Jack answered before kissing his cheek and putting him in 

His car seat in the back of his jeep. Jack then opened the passenger side door and helped you up, while putting your purse and work bag in the backseat. Once he slid in the driver’s seat, he started making his way back to your apartment.

“Daddy, I’m hungry.”

“What do you want to eat? I was actually going to order Chinese food for dinner. Did you want that?”

“Yes! I want an egg roll!”

Only now you noticed that he was going in the opposite direction.

“Umm? Jack? My apartment is that way.”

“I know.”

“Then where are we going?”

“I want to show you something and I figured that this was a good time in order to do it.”

He glanced over at you and saw the look on your face and couldn’t help but to laugh.

“No kidnapping involved, promise.”

It was another fifteen minutes when you noticed that all of you were literally a few streets over from where Jack’s house was. He then pulled in front of a modern looking house and it looked as if it had just been built and no one had the chance to live in it quite yet. You looked around and saw that there were others similar to it and that it looked like they were building more.

“Jack? What is this? Where are we?” You asked not having the slightest clue on what was going on.

“This is your house.”

Your eyes went wide as you looked at him in disbelief. You looked out the window at the house before looking back at him and was clearly confused. 

“I…”

“I don’t want you two in that neighborhood anymore because it’s not the safest. This way, Ace can go outside and play all he wants and I don’t have to worry about you two not being in a safe environment. This is a gated community so unless you have the passcode, you can’t get in.”

“Jack….. You bought us a house?”

“Yes.”

“I can’t accept this, how in the world am I going to pay for it?” You asked as a million things started going through your mind.

“No one said you had to pay for anything. You need more space, even if it’s just the two of you.”

“But….”

“Y/N, it’s a gift. No strings attached. It’s fully furnished and everything.”

You sat there for a minute before glancing back at Ace who was too busy playing with one of his toys to notice you.

“Come on, let’s go inside so you can at least look at it.” He said while holding up the keys and smiling at you.

“Is this a ploy to get me to stay in Louisville?” You asked, suddenly getting defensive because of his previous actions.

“No, not in the slightest. If that’s what you eventually want to do, then okay but this house will still be here and still be yours. Just while you’re here I figured that the two of you should be as comfortable as possible. And also that you would have probably said no if I asked the two of you to move in with me so it would be safer knowing that you would probably want your own space. You don’t have to move in immediately, but come on so we can at least look at it.”

“Okay.” You quietly said before taking off your seatbelt and getting out the car as Jack did the same thing while tending to Ace after.

All three of you walked through the house and you were in awe. Ace’s bedroom had a Louisville Cardinal theme since that happened to be his favorite team right along with his dad, while your room had a black and gray theme. Ace had his own playroom filled with toys and even a mini kitchen with a working stove that was perfect for his height.

“Ace, don’t you like this house and want to live here with mommy?” Jack asked as Ace had begun examining the stove and the little apron that was hanging to the side that had his name on it which was similar to the one that you bought for him.

“Yes! I like it.”

All Jack did was look at you, but you still had hesitations in the back of your mind. It was true that you and Jack were growing close again and working on being good co-parents to Ace, but you couldn’t take him possibly doing something to mess all of this up all over again. Before either of you made a decision regarding him, you would call each other and discuss it first. This just seemed all too much for you and you were overwhelmed.

You remained quiet as Jack simply laid the keys in your hand and closed it.

“Whenever you’re ready, there is absolutely no rush. Please understand that. And also understand that I’m trying to do my best to make up for what I’ve done or what I haven’t done rather. I just want to do right by the two of you.” He whispered so that only the two of you could hear and all you did was nod in response before Jack went to scoop Ace up in his arms.

“Bubs, you ready to go to daddy’s house and eat Chinese food?”

“As long as we watch Cars!”

“Uh? Again?”

“This is nothing compared to his Lion King phase.” You muttered as all three of you made your way back downstairs.

“Oh, one last thing. Let’s go this way.” Jack then led you both in the direction of the garage and your jaw dropped once you set foot in it.

“Didn’t realize that your car was going to give out on you today, but… surprise.” was all Jack said as you were now staring at a BMW SUV. When you and Jack had first started talking, you told him that this was the car that you eventually wanted to buy for yourself and had no idea that he actually remembered. 

“Jack….”

He didn’t say anything and instead slipped his hand in his back pocket to get the keys and hand them to you.

“Ace can ride with me while you test out your new car.”

About another month had passed and the temperature was beginning to warm up and you couldn’t wait to be able to take Ace out all summer and was trying to think of where you wanted to go and wanted to do. You also made sure to include Jack in your plans if he wasn’t too busy. You had the night to yourself since Ace was with Jack and you were currently fiddling the house key in your hands that Jack had bought you. He told you that it was no rush and you were deciding to take your sweet time. As far as the lease for your apartment went, Jack said if you wanted to break it, he would pay for it. But at this point in time, you feel that he already did so much for you already and would probably just ride it out until it was time for it to be renewed again. However, just about every day after you were finished teaching, you would take the long way home to pass by it.

It was around midnight when you had gotten a text on your phone from Nadia and it seemed urgent.

Nadia- Go look at Jack’s instagram…. NOW

You- Why? What’s wrong?

Nadia- HE POSTED YOUR FACE, THAT’S WHAT’S WRONG!

Your heart was now doing backflips as you logged into your instagram app to see that he did indeed post you and now thoughts were beginning to run rampant.

Liked by urbanwyatt, estgee, champagnepapi, 2forwoyne, taylorrooks, saweetie, and 1,200,154 others

jackharlow: Y/N, thank you for being just an amazing mother to my son who has wanted for nothing ever since he came out of the womb. I'm thankful that we're in a better place with one another and keeping him at the center of it because at the end of the day, he's the most important part of this. I can't change the past and what went down between us, but I can move forward and do what's best for the both of you.

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You wasted no time in texting him wanting to address this and how incredibly dangerous it was.

You- Jackman, I’m coming over because we need to talk

Jack- Is everything okay?

You- No, everything is not. I’m getting dressed now

Jack was waiting at the door for you once your car pulled behind his jeep in the driveway and he could tell that you were fuming. He simply stepped aside to let you squeeze past him as you went to sit down on the couch in the living room. All Jack did was come and sit next to you waiting to hear what you had to say.

“Y/N?”

“Why did you post that?”

“Because I figured you deserved a public apology. I just wanted to show how appreciative I was of you and how important our relationship is.”

“Do you not understand what you just did? First, those pictures that were taken were for your birthday and for your eyes only and I actually forgot that I even took them until now. Second, Jack, I have an Only Fans. Did you not put two and two together?! NOW PEOPLE WILL KNOW WHAT I LOOK LIKE AND MAKE THE CONNECTION! I hardly show my face on there, but I have some videos where I do!”

“I….”

“I could lose my job over this! And that’s exactly what I was afraid of! Even if it was a few years ago, they aren’t going to see it that way.”

“Wait, your Only Fans is still active!?” Jack asked curiously, but all you did was roll your eyes.

“Is that really all you got out of that?! Yes, it’s still active! Any time if I was in a bind or needed money, I would upload videos to get paid for it!”

“Why, when you could’ve asked me?! You need to deactivate it and how was I supposed to know you still had it?! All I was trying to do was something nice for you. I swear that I can never win with you!”

“I’m not deactivating anything because that would literally be how me and Ace would eat some days when you were nowhere to be found.”

“Well, I’m here now! You don’t have to worry about that anymore! Anything you want or need, I’ll get it!”

“Every time I need something, I’m not going to run to you and ask for it. We’re not in a relationship anymore or did you forget?”

“I… well what if I want us to be?!”

This had you taken aback and you simply looked at him in disbelief as you shook your head. 

“Jack…..”

“Please Y/N, just give me another chance. I’ll delete the post and make this right and I’m sorry for doing that without clearing it with you first. I compromised your safety and you know that was never my intention.”

“It is literally only a matter of time before someone finds my account.” You muttered without giving Jack an answer.

“I can delete it.”

“But not before almost a million people liked it. The damage is done so it doesn’t even matter at this point.”

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[valkerymillenia]

Something just hit me so hard about my autism.

I went to my job's Christmas party and as usual I was struggling a lot to socialize, I mask very well because I've had years of practice but it was still really hard to fit in, to actually engage, I didn't have enough of a script to fake it, it was hard to talk to people naturally, it was difficult and because of it, as usual, I got ignored and overlooked. But that's fine with me.

And then during the party I found out that my coworker who's been there less than a year and still struggles with the job is getting her contract renewed into a tenure position.

Now, what's the problem with that? The problem is that I've been working there for 3 years and they keep fucking around with my contracts, they even told me last month that they weren't renewing my contract because "my work is flawless and they like me but it's logistics, they currently don't have space for more tenured workers and if they renewed my contract they would have to give me tenure", so they are letting me go with the intent of re-hiring me in the near future (which can take anywhere from a month to a year) so they can do this all over again.

They've done this to me 3 times already. It's legal but it's not ethical.

And today I find out that this coworker, who is my neighbor and friend -and openly admits she's not a good fit for this job and that I definitely need it so much more than she does- is getting tenure (but she's much older and bubbly and socializes a lot with the rest of the staff while I only focus on the customers).

So obviously, I feel mocked. Obviously, I'm upset.

However, that's not what this post is about, that wasn't my realization.

You see, when I got home I told my father and he was furious and went on a rant about this.

And then he accused me of not doing enough, he accused me of not caring enough because I wasn't showing anger, I wasn't upset enough.

But I was upset, I was angry, I was livid, today has been a shit show on my emotions in several ways, even before the party... But I'm not good at showing my emotions, I'm not good at expressing what I feel at all, which is why I'm often accused of not caring about anything.

That was my realization.

All the neurotypicals expect me to perform emotion for them like a soap actor, just as they expect socialization in ways that don't interest me, and I don't know how to do that.

If you actually see me crying or really outwardly upset or angry screaming (that last one I can count in one hand how many times it's happened in my entire life), that's because I've reached a MASSIVE breaking point and you should probably keep an eye on me.

If I'm actually naturally talkative and bubbly with you, if I laugh and open up and info dump and act random and not scripted and polite, that means I trust you with my life and love you and feel comfortable with you, and believe me that only 3 or 4 people have ever seen that side of me.

The rest of the time I struggle showing emotion, often even struggle with understanding what I'm feeling at all.

And it just hit me today that that's not normal to the rest of the world, it just hit me today that even my own family doesn't get when I'm beyond upset or depressed because I always either look calm or I "look like I don't care".

I don't even know what to do with this realization, but it explains why people put so much on my shoulders and put so much pressure on me and take advantage of me so often- because I never show a limit.

[dudeyuri]

I'm having thoughts and feelings about bad buddy must be a day that ends in y. But like, last episode tomorrow, kind of verklempt, need to word vomit

My first watch of Bad Buddy kind of smacked me upside the head. I know this is not a unique experience. I was left reeling for a bit. Watching Bad Buddy was the first thing I did in 2023 and I watched all 12 episodes in one sitting like a glutton and I stayed up til 1am even though I had to get up at 4am the next day (I haven't done stupid shit like that since college). Then I started my rewatch the next day. Then I put it aside for months because it was actually a physical ache in my chest when I thought about it. I just...never?? encountered such a fulfilling narrative that followed through on all its promises. Even with its deliberate deceptions and twists and uncertainties - I put my trust in Bad Buddy's narrative and was rewarded for doing so like never before.

It got me from the first episode - the first episode did what I think almost every first episode should do: tell you exactly what the story is going to be, without telling you exactly what the story is going to be. Fantastic writing, deliberate pacing, satisfying character development, pitch-perfect acting, all top-notch. It kept the energy up all throughout even as it got heavier, and stuck the landing in such a profound and bittersweet way. This was the first Thai BL I've ever watched, and probably the third BL I've ever watched period. One of my first impressions after finishing it even for the first time was that it was, maybe above all else, self aware.

My initial impression was also not a unique one: so far this is funny, charming, an exciting premise. And by episode 4 I was starting to get hit with it: this story is all those things and a knife in your gut, a lump in your throat. And it's queer, and it's tragic. Like, from the jump we see the two households both alike in dignity, we know what this is: it's Romeo and Juliet (or Kwan and Riam). We know how it ends. Pran knows how it ends. They teased us the whole show with Pran's decor, his doorknob hanger, like this show's version of a comedy and tragedy mask - what's it going to be? How's it going to end? Everyone watching knows how romcoms typically end. But everyone also knows how Romeo and Juliet ends.

In a move that can really only be described as revolutionary, Bad Buddy decided that queering the Romeo and Juliet narrative meant a happy ending. With caveats, but happy and alive and together. It was as simple as two characters finding their agency in a world trying to deprive them of it, seeing every path around them that led to tragedy, and instead trailblazing a new one that led to happiness. (everything that could be said about this has already been said; I look to this essay by @chickenstrangers often!! helped me make sense of pat gets shot lol. MK I hope you're not sick of people linking this left and right). It's a narrative choice that resounds.

I was personally struck by that specific pain Pat and Pran experience, the pain of having to lie to your parents and keep love a secret from them - is there a queer person out there who doesn't relate to that in a bone-achingly deep way? Regardless of your relationship with your family. Having to partition yourself like this is part of the queer experience. And it's exhausting because you just have to live like this. It's exhausting because the people who are supposed to love you have made a liar of you instead. You can be surviving and thriving and happy, but your parents will still ask your siblings about their love lives and ask you about the weather (too real??? oops). There's a hint at a possible thawing in the final episode that gives hope, but Bad Buddy does not magically make the parents realize they were wrong and accept their sons' love - I mean, that just doesn't happen. It would have made for a disingenuous ending, it would have been a disservice to the narrative and to the viewers and to the metaphor. If you're lucky enough to have parents who would, you're lucky. It's a sad truth. "We can't change the world...but the world can't change us either."

At first glance, Bad Buddy plays in the "BL bubble". Upon a slightly closer examination Bad Buddy says there can never really be a bubble--stories aren't crafted in a vacuum, the dominant ideology that is homophobia traumatizes and endangers and oppresses all who do not align with it, still there are happy endings for us here. We find each other and carve them out ourselves. To say all this, and to not veer into heavy-handed "yeah okay we get it" territory is a feat honestly! Seldom accomplished in such a riveting and sexy way! How refreshing! Bad Buddy reminded me of reading a good poem - upon first read, a good poem is about "a thing," and it's evocative as is and you don't even have to read it again to enjoy it. But you can also consider it carefully and unearth "the other thing," a deeper meaning, the answer to "why was this written?". Bad Buddy trusts its viewers to get there. I mean I know it's really not much of a hidden message, but again, they are subtle with it, iykyk etc. BB doesn't hold our hand, but it takes our trust and respects it and doesn't break it (though it shakes the jar, like quite a bit, lol. All good stories should tbh).

I think a lot about the form, too. In a less capable storyteller's hands 12 one-hour-long episodes can drag (I'm thinking of some recent gmmtv BLs lol), or even not be enough (I feel like I personally see that in a lot of western shows whose fanbases are out here begging for second seasons to tie up loose ends). P'Aof (and co.) knew exactly what to do with 12 episodes. Has anyone in the entire history of TeleVision ever known what to do with 12 one-hour-long episodes as undeniably as P'Aof and co in making Bad Buddy??

I know I'm being a little dramatic, excessively lauding good writing like this. Like yeah stories should be good and thoughtful and make sense, of fucking course. But I just have to appreciate it in a genre, in a capitalist reality, where a story does not have to be profound or clever or full of love to be marketable. They truly did not have to go this hard. (Though the writer in me who now considers Aof a personal idol also thinks: yes of course they absolutely did have to go this hard in fact It Is The Only Way). I'm so so grateful for it for so many reasons!! And I didn't even breach the topic of how fun and sexy I think Pat and Pran are together. Didn't even mention the fingersucking, the scent kink, the kissies - all genuinely just as important to me as everything else. It's all in the making of a good story! I am taking notes through my tears and I am so thankful

[clairedaring]

tag game ✨

huge thank you to the lovely zey @thasorns for thinking of me. i love you too (´▽`ʃ♡ƪ)

1. why did you choose your url?

no one remembers her but claire dearing from jurassic world will always hold a special place in my heart.

2. any sideblogs? if you have them name them and why you have them.

poomphuripan - the bl sideblog that i started just because my main got deactivated for a bit but i guess for now, it's mostly uppoom and msi-focused. in december, it'll probably be torjj and spare me your mercy-focused. i think i'll probably just be using these for the ql series i have a crazy hyperfixation about.

huiyanan - a pentagon yanan/hui focus sideblog

coryjeacoma - my musical theatre sideblog for random audio bootlegs and sometimes musical gifs

ryuvachirawich - my unused (mostly lakorn) gifs blog for extra gifs i make but that doesn't make it into any main or sideblogs. at first i was trying to keep this sideblog lowkey but then i needed to tag the gifs w my gif tag anyway so i could search for them so disclosing is fine 🤣

3. how long have you been on tumblr?

2014... what do you mean it's been a decade since i started using tumblr.... time isn't real

4. do you have a queue tag?

i tried but i've given up on queue-ing in general so i don't. my tumblr is constantly in two modes: super active or going months without a single post lmaoooo.

5. why did you start your blog in the first place?

i wanted to be where all the gifmakers are but i have too much interests so this shall remains a multi-fandom blog or more like a "whatever media claire is consuming atm" blog 

6. why did you choose your icon/pfp?

dirk gently is the single most perfect holistic detective in existence. sometimes i'm too attached to my url and my icon, i don't think i can ever change them. headers i can but i haven't changed my url/icon for 3-4 years i think.

7. why did you choose your header?

i feel you linger in the air is THAT series for me. dethroned almost every other thai series on my all time fave list (i say almost because bad genius series is still holding its crown well)

8. what’s your post with the most notes?

i just checked and apparently it's my first and only merlin gifset 😅

9. how many mutuals do you have?

i have no idea but i love all my mutuals （づ￣3￣）づ╭❤️～

10. how many followers do you have?

i hit 1k recently. crazy to me because i've left this tumblr empty for months before starting being active again last october???

11. how many people do you follow?

4000+ but that's only because i'm too lazy to unfollow people. so yea i rarely see things on my dash. i just end up scrolling through my fave gifmakers tags to find things they make.

12. have you ever made a shitpost?

i don't think so????? i mean the closest is probably me saying super random things on this tag.

13. how often do you use tumblr each day?

it used to be once a week... but these days it's really a daily routine lmao. although i'm pretty sure i'll leave my tumblr dusting once my stand-in ends... who knows... we'll see...

14. did you have a fight/argument with another blog once?

how can i? i'm so non-confrontational, i reblog things in private to argue with op 😭 lmao (arguments that op will never see lmao, i'm saving them and me both the trouble really). just enfp things.

15. how do you feel about ‘you need to reblog this’ posts

huh why do i never get them on my dash (⊙x⊙;)

16. do you like tag games?

sometimes i forget but i love being tagged in them because i get to know about all the great mutuals i have on here, especially music tags because i always get incredible new music recommendations

17. do you like ask games?

apparently i had my asks closed without knowing for quite some time so i haven't received asks for so long. maybe one day i'll do them but i have bad records of answering asks so ƪ(˘⌣˘)ʃ

18. which of your mutuals do you think is tumblr famous?

i'm not sure if being THE certified way apologist/way gifmaker qualifies her as tumblr famous but maybe sasa @zhouxiangs is the most famous mutual i have

19. do you have a crush on a mutual?

let's call this mutuals whose editing skills i wanna steal (´▽`ʃ♡ƪ)

lana @sherrymagic whenever you see me reblogging lana's joe sets every week, you'll see me gushing about the consistency in her coloring and that's because that's something i'm obsessed with, especially considering my stand-in's grim/dark cinematographic coloring. also i don't know how lana chooses the perfect lines from each eps to do her recap sets because most of the times i can't even choose between which scenes to gif.

eva @alienwlw eva makes the most beautiful lyrics set and is willing to do my most niche requests and i'm always looking forward to seeing her gifs because it's always so warm and grainy and crisp and i'm just like wahhhh *heart eyes emoji* every time

20. tags?

no pressure tagging anyone today ヾ(⌐■_■)ノ♪

[killerandhealerqueen]

Fic Writer Wrapped- 2024 Edition

How many stories did you complete?

28

What is your total word count for the year?

747,677

What fandoms did you write in this year?

CSI: Miami, Formula 1 RPF, S.C.I.谜案集 | S.C.I. Mystery, 仙剑四 | Chinese Paladin 4, 大��寺少卿游 | White Cat Legend (Live Action), 恨君不似江楼月 | Killer and Healer

Did you write more, less, or roughly about what you expected?

Amount wise, I know I wrote less than previous years, but I also started work this year, so I haven't really had like a whole lot of time to write like I did in the past. Also, my fics have gotten longer so I tend to dedicate more time to the longer oneshots and the multi-chapter fics rather than just cranking out quick prompts and what not

What’s your favorite story of the year?

Oh, I loved all of my fics this year but I think Die Trying takes the cake, just because I've been working on it for almost...7 months and I'm really happy with how it turned out, especially because the little shit wanted to fight me so often when writing

Monster Like Me is also great and was another story that I spent a lot of time on (I rewrote the damn thing three times before I was happy with the final result)...so...yeah. These two are probably my favorite, but like I said, I love all of my fics that I wrote this year

What is your most underappreciated story of the year?

Um...I'd have to say For All Eternity and Curse of the Mermaid. For All Eternity because it's an immortal x demon wuxia/xianxia fic (like who doesn't love a good immortal x demon fic like come on peopl) and Curse of the Mermaid because it only has like 3 kudos and 118 hits. And while I try my best to not focus on numbers/stats, I was really proud of how the fic came out. But then again I also know that the couple that I wrote it for doesn't have as many fans as the main pairing so like...I get it but still.

(Die Trying is also underappreciated but I also know that I literally just posted it like 3 days ago so I'm not gonna freak out about those stats just yet)

Biggest fanfic-related disappointment of 2024?

Um...I guess just the drop in viewership/readership. And comments. Also some of the fics that I thought would do really well didn't do as well as I thought but hey, everyone likes what they like. Can't force people to read something they won't enjoy

Biggest fanfic-related surprise of 2023?

Surprised by how many people enjoyed my F1 fics. Like what the fuck. I wasn't even like super big into F1 and just kind of wanted to try my hand at it, but people were just so nice and receptive and I was just blown away by the response

Something you look forward to working on in 2024?

Definitely look forward to continuing to work on my Killer and Healer rewrite as well as a couple of other multi-chaptered fics for some other non-cdrama fandoms (and write at least 2 more F1 rpf fics)

Tagging: @ahhhnorealnamesallowed @clawbehavior @breitweisergallery @theotherwhybietoldmeso @hyperbolicgrinch

@sunriseverse and anyone else who wants to play

[coldbrewgf]

thank you for the tag @newbromantics ☺️ i'm finally getting to this after several days omg

1. do you make your bed?

usually! not super well but i at least try to pull the covers up and fluff my pillows

2. favourite number?

11... when i was playing soccer as a child i was number 11 when i made a goal from half field and ever since then it's just been my lucky number

3. what’s your job?

i just started one (1) month ago as a program assistant in executive education. it's been a bit of a wild ride already but i feel like it's going to open some good doors for me!

4. if you could go back to school, would you?

...perhaps. i would love to expand my knowledge and maybe take another undergrad program in something that i would actually want to pursue now but also looking back on my undergrad i was somewhat miserable and maybe that had more to do with my mental health at that time but still. maybe if i could just do it slowly with a course or two at a time

5. can you parallel park?

i can but i am not efficient at it and i try to avoid it if i can. if i'm parking on the street i look for a spot where i can just pull up to the curb and not deal with all that maneuvering

6. do you think aliens are real?

i mean i think they're out there somewhere but i don't think that they're like among us or anything...

7. can you drive a manual car?

not at all, i don't even think i know anyone with a manual car to practice. i do think it's kind of a sexy skill to have though and i would like to learn eventually

8. guilty pleasure?

honestly i'm only half guilty about it but musicals. only half guilty because i know theatre kids are annoying but i also am not an annoying theatre kid, and also because i think i have at least Some Taste

9. tattoos?

i have 8! various things that i've liked and are special to me in different ways

10. favourite colour?

probably green, but i also wear a lot of blues, so one of the two!

11. favourite type of music?

honestly my tastes range all over the place, probably most often in the indie category. lyrics matter a lot to me so regardless of the genre if the lyricism is there i'm there. a banger can entice me more than a slow song, but if i'm in the right mood a ballad can hit.

12. do you like puzzles?

yes!! nyt games is my friend and i do the new yorker crossword... if i remember i play the cinematrix... i went through a big sudoku phase a little while ago...

13. favourite childhood sport?

i played soccer as a kid, and that was kind of my only team sport, but i also did karate which i have fond memories of, and playing badminton in gym class was always my fav

14. do you talk to yourself?

not really i don't think?? maybe a little bit but not constantly

15. tea or coffee?

coffee... i mean look at my url

16. first thing you wanted to be when growing up?

a paleobotanist like ellie in jurassic park... my older brother wanted to be a paleontologist and we both loved jurassic park so i thought i had to be like ellie

17. what movies do you adore?

fav of all time is my own private idaho (1991), my others in my letterboxd top 4 are when harry met sally (1989), twin peaks: fire walk with me (1992), and before sunrise (1995)... movies from this century are like inside llewyn davis (2013), stoker (2013), and emma. (2020)

i'm tagging @intrusivethoughtsandprayers if you want to, and anyone else who does :)

[todayimgonnaplay]

Today I'm Gonna Play: Persona 3 Reload

Phew, this took a pretty long time to complete! This was one of the many awaited games of this year that I've wanted to play, and I've finally completed it today! This isn't my first time playing P3, but since I only have experience with Portable, that's the only version I can compare it to when I talk about P3R.

I'm probably in the minority that liked Tartarus in the original versions. The randomly generated dungeons and amount of them didn't bother me at all. Each floor felt it had a short and even length to explore, and the shuffle cards encouraged me to fight every single enemy (or Shadow) that appeared. Reload definitely improves on a couple aspects in that the floors look more appealing in terms of design, and are also varied per set/block that you traverse through. In addition to that, there's even additional dungeons for more challenge or encounters that spice up climbing through these floors. Despite that, I kind of felt myself getting pretty bored about 20-30 hours in the game grinding through them. I'm not sure if it's because I've been playing Persona games the past 6+ months that I'm starting to hit a fatigue, or if there's something I don't like about this revamped design. In the end, I had to switch to playing Peaceful to just get through the game. One thing I do miss and wish were in more RPGs that do dungeon formats was being able to split your party to search the floors. This made clearing them much more faster, and also helped with leveling up too. Although I think leveling in Reload is a lot more lenient, and there's a new scouting feature instead where you send 1 party member to move up a floor in advance, which is probably why they removed splitting. But this occurs randomly rather than something you can do by choice, and is mostly for item collection.

In terms of non-combat or the social aspect, I definitely liked seeing familiar and new faces, yet also didn't like them at the same time. Seeing them fully voiced in a 3D environment compared to P3P is like night and day and makes it much more immersive! Being able to see their stories as these characters struggle and change really pays off well when you finish the game. Compared to Persona 4 where I loved how tight-knit the main cast was, I couldn't really get into the social links individually (but I loved the detail of many of them being acquainted with one another). With Reload's theme of Death, it beautifully illustrates how death can be both literal and metaphorical, and how people can overcome or accept it, while looking forward to a better tomorrow. That being said, some social links definitely felt infuriating to go through, which made it hard to sympathize with those characters. 4 on the other hand at least made them bearable at most (except two that I really disliked). One really neat aspect that Reload added were link episodes with male characters and even antagonists to flesh them out more, as well as activities with the main cast. Not only were they enjoyable and added more characterization, they still provide gameplay benefits just as much as the regular social links do, so they didn't feel like a waste of time.

This is probably a nitpick but one thing I'd REALLY like to see improved upon in future titles (or maybe I'll change my mind with 5 Royal) is to allow for more time to socialize. For a game about time management, they're really brutal with how often can you hang out considering the amount of holidays, exams, and even time skips that block your progress. It makes this one unique aspect of this series so stressful to go through if you want to max all social links, unless you use a guide and follow it strictly. Fortunately, multiple playthroughs do solve this apparently as these stats can carry over. But personally, to think about going through a second playthrough when I've technically played this entry 2 and a half times, it can get really exhausting.

Apart from gameplay, the best highlight for me is the UI. Portable's UI is one of my favourite (if not my most) in all video games. I love how minimalistic yet stylish it is. Reload completely revamps it by using a water motif as a reference to the sea of souls, while also propping the protagonist. It never gets tiring to look at!

A mixed opinion I have is about the music. The new music is always great, which I think only P3 has been able to pull off compared to the others regardless of version(for e.g. I'm not a fan of Shadow World and whatever 5 Royal's opening and battle theme are). But the old singer is definitely someone that is hard to replace. Although she performs amazingly in the new songs, and I have come to accept some of the remixes; She carries a sense of monotony compared to a relaxed yet somewhat carefree style that the old singer had. Maybe monotony fits with how the protagonist is, but this is just preference.

Overall, I think this remake was made with a lot of hard work and passion, trying to bring fresh ideas yet being faithful to the original version of 3. Although I felt tired of playing it at some point and started rushing, I'm still glad I had the opportunity to go through this journey one more time. I think it's going to take a lot longer now to check out Persona 5 Royal, but I will be looking forward to Episode Aigis this year!

[slickshoesareyoucrazy]

Photograph

In the summer of 2021, right after everyone got their first set of COVID vaccines, my best friend of (at the time) 30 years, A, drove 5+ hours and stayed with family he was estranged from and uncomfortable with to see me. In April of that year (as in, 3 months prior to this rare in person time together), my dad's lifelong best friend died. He died 2 days before my dad's vaccine wait time was up, so my dad hadn't seen his best friend since Christmas of 2019. And then he DIED. A and I talked about this when it was happening and in the immediate aftermath A LOT. Big, long, weighty conversations that we COULD and DID have with each other at other times over our 30 year friendship, but usually we just sent each other random shit (that was usually extra silly) on text. Both of us clearly felt some anxiety about it, having that empathetic reaction of 'what would I do/how would I feel if...' Like, Christ, how fucking awful it must be to have your best friend die and not have seen them for so long. It had been a long time since we'd seen each other in person and we both brought it up a lot in May and then in June A was just, 'I'm coming home for a weekend.' COVID robbed a lot of people of a lot of joy and connection left, right, and center, and this was a way it personally got us. He made the effort to come up here to make sure we got time. I took a picture of A with me in our back yard. I took one of him petting our dog too. The first pictures of A I'd taken since high school. I didn't take pictures the other dozens of times we saw each other between graduating high school in June of 1996 and June of 2021, but I did that time. Turned out to be the last ones I got to take, because A died in early December of 2023. They were the last ones. It kind of feels, looking back now, that some inner part of me knew I better take some photos. Some part of me maybe knew they'd be the last ones.

I've written about A's red hair here before. And how because of his gingerhood, Ed Sheeran songs always reminded me of him. I teased him about it. (I don't normally tease people, but he teased me all the time, which I haven't really ever tolerated from anyone else either, and turnabout is fair play and all). He liked Ed Sheeran, which I still find hilarious, because he was SUCH a grungy emo punk almost all the rest of the time, music-wise. But he liked Red Ed. Probably because of the shared gingerhood, although he never said that was why. A did have some Sap Potential, as much as he gave me the business for that all the time. He was all Pearl Jam, Live, Radiohead, Audioslave, (and especially) My Chemical Romance and shit, but he also loved Elton John and Billy Joel. Anyway, he sent me songs on text all the time. It's actually a main way he'd let me know how he was feeling and how he'd say the Big Important Shit to me, and occasionally he'd send me an Ed Sheeran song. He sent me Photograph more than once. Almost as often as that fucking MCR song that makes me cry now. Admitted it was his 24th most played song on Spotify; admitted it made him cry if it hit at the right time. It's made me cry every time I've heard it since he died (which has weirdly been pretty often, particularly without seeking it out). But now it's strangely prophetic on another level because J did buy me a new charm for my necklace. For A. He bought me a locket that holds 4 photographs: me with J, me with our son, me as a toddler with my grandparents, and me with A...that last photograph of us together.

Here are some song lyrics:

We keep this love in a photograph We made these memories for ourselves Where our eyes are never closing, Hearts are never broken, Time's forever frozen still And you can keep me Inside the pocket of your ripped jeans, Holding me closer til our eyes meet. You won't ever be alone. Wait for me to come home. Loving can heal. Loving can mend your soul. And it's the only thing that I know. I swear it will get easier. Remember that with every piece of ya. And it's the only thing we take with us when we die.

I used to think keeping a photograph inside the pocket of your jeans was kind of strange; it would ruin the photograph. But then I remembered we are old people and this song was written by a Not Quite As Old As Us Person. I do carry photographs of everyone I care about around in my pocket every day in my goofy phone. And the final chorus changes to:

Oh you can fit me Inside the necklace you bought When you were sixteen Next to your heartbeat Where I should be. Keep it deep within your soul.

I never wore a locket until today, when it arrived after J special ordered it for me on Mother's Day evening. I didn't buy a necklace when I was sixteen, but now I do carry A (and J and our son and my grandparents) around next to my heartbeat every day (and next to the original charms J and our son got me years ago)...where they should be. Where they ARE. Where they always have been.

A, look what I'm doing now, you fucker. I'm analyzing a fucking Ed Sheeran song and crying while I'm doing it. Jesus, you'd read this and make fun of me so hard core I know I'd eventually just tell you to eat shit or go fuck yourself or something. I miss you. I miss you making fun of me, which is something I can't even believe is a real thing I'm saying, because sometimes you really did drive me fucking nuts and piss me off. "I'm lovable this way," you'd say, just fucking oozing smartass snark, and my face would get red, and I'd do one of those teenage girl scream-sighs at you and then you'd laugh that laugh I'm never gonna hear again.

I'll see you at the cemetery tomorrow, man. Hoping for growing grass and some kind of sign that you're ok. I'll show you my new, enhanced charm necklace. The one with your photograph. Next to my heartbeat where you should be.

[claudiajcregg]

i'd love to hear any behind the scenes you have on 'say it's here where our pieces fall in place' bc i read it and loved it and i want to know about it 💜

Welp, I've been thinking about this since you sent it and I feel I won't do it justice! I feel like I could say a lot if I went chapter by chapter, but many tabs of unread fics stare back at me. I'll skim and try to say something, though.

Some commentary on say it's here where our pieces fall in place under the cut! I am sick and rambly. And lbr I can never shut up anyway, but this might be too incoherent even for me. (Original ask post here)

It was sort of an unofficial NaNoWriMo project, in that I set myself a goal to tackle “longer fics” or ideas I wanted to cover but hadn't. From my notes, I had this idea to write a ficlet per year because I always enjoy this kind of story, and I know I'd tried to approach different ones in the past. I started writing in late October/finished in Nov 2021. (The other fic I started was never finished, even if dammit, it hits.) I posted it in January, so it wasn't that bad, considering I'll often take months.

It's maybe important to note that I had only finished writing “The Monster (affectionate)” (aka the 148k-ish word IM AU) in early September and I felt a bit burned out after spending five months writing that (would’ve been less but the struggle was real for the last third of the story. Oddly reminiscing of you-know-what story these days). This arbitrary deadline helped me get back into writing. Granted, I wrote a couple of fics in those five months, but I wanted to try another multichapter.

Anyway. I picked some random, perhaps not obvious choices for the vignettes. It was partly to avoid writing something I might have potentially covered at one point, and also a challenge. Some are also strange (the dream!), but I kinda loved it? (Fun fact: the fic references the Sherry-Netherland, whose exterior is the establishing shot in Internal Displacement. I swear there is some thought put into my writing.) And as the A/N I wrote to myself, I definitely wrote and rewrote bits and pieces of this on my way to and from therapy, haha.

Let me find a fun fact about each of the chapters, if I can think of any.

1998: actually repurposed some campaign fic idea I distinctly remember writing in spring 2018, while I was still in uni. It also has GLOVES. I live for that.

1999: I like the idea of exploring Danny and Abbey's relationship! They presumably have a good one and yet, I don't think we ever see them interact. (And god. Danny's recent, pre-campaign breakup is a recurring theme in my campaign stories too, loool.)

2000: Danny and Josh are an underrated friendship, and I like the references to Rosslyn. There was so much in those months in Midterms that we didn't see, and I like thinking Danny visited his friend.

We also got two back-to-back chapters focused on Danny - I remember trying to make it even, so that the focus was more or less evenly split.

2001: the Manchester fuckup! And it's one of the dream chapters! There were two of them? (We're 3 out of 4 in which I was surprised by the focus, but now I kinda want to re-read it all properly?) I'll say that I can see some vague, unconscious inspo from Freefall by KadeeFalls in this chapter (esp since I was just talking to you about it)... But I'm mostly obsessed with the magical realism (there's another term that my foggy brain cannot think of rn) of dreams, and how it can help us clear our heads.

2002: I remembered this was set after Simon! I know it's probably an odd, controversial choice but they both tried to move on (at least, we know CJ did), and it felt disingenuous not to include it. There are moments when she almost admits to her previous (?) feelings for Danny, but stops.

As with most thus far, there were fluffier and probably better choices for 2002 (Christmas!!), but... My brain wanted it to appear like CJ couldn't really bring herself to think about Danny.

2003: Aw, the specialty store is inspired by a franchise over here that had Goldfish (not many flavors) and I took a dramatic license and added it over there. I also added a small flashback because I love thinking Danny doesn't think they're all that but likes them. (But will tease CJ about it.) Plus, some more resolution to moving on!

2004: Yeah, the formatting is weird. (This is one I'd have to go back and do a blockquote or something.) Danny winning a Pulitzer for the Shareef stuff is a mostly accepted headcanon. CJ seeing his picture on the paper and having feels is just something I love, especially if he mentions someone else. (Look. I'm all for letting him pine, but he deserves to move on and fail too.) Plus Josh teasing her!

2005: The Sherry-Netherland! fwiw, I'm sure I had finally figured out this was the place and decided it would be so cheeky to add it here. I'm so sMaRt. Flowers when she gets promoted! And my spin (in this story) of CJ vaguely shunning him. This is the angst before the fluff.

2006: I remembered this one was a dream at some restaurant! (Again the formatting is not great, but I didn't want to tip my obvious hand.) The same way I think CJ's dream in 2001 was about her wondering how Danny would have reacted, this is about Danny realizing he needs to reach out to her... But with the added family ~tale~. Def inspired by that lyric in "Sad Beautiful Tragic."

2007: I feel like having it at some random dinner with Josh and Donna was an odd choice, but I loved the idea of a double date! The scarf scene is just so! And the chaos siblings energy is great. It was a reprieve from the angst.

Meeting at LAX was right there! I had written a story or two trying to do it justice, so I'm guessing that's why it's not. And fwiw the airport story I wrote shortly after that is the one being posted ~soon~. (A rewritten, slightly expanded version.)

2008: Pregnancy mood swings! It hurt to make them fight, but it's so fluffy otherwise. From what I remember, it has various references to things that happen in the story (particularly from the first two chapters) but it still manages to close it rather nicely, showing how strong their marriage is. I hope.

Okay. This has gotten way too long and it's probably useless.

I've always said I could have written another 11 chapters using different scenes, because there are just so many, even outside the obvious ones... Though I feel I wouldn't be able to recapture the magic.

I do definitely want to reread this for real. As with many fics, it's one of those I used to reread often before posting it (especially the last quarter/third) and then just ignored after. See some other recent examples, such as memoir fic, Portland fic.

Thank you for asking, Ally! God, I used to be a good writer. What happened?!??!

[carrickbender]

Sonntag seiben

1. September in the PNW means harvesting and putting in things for the winter that give hope that, at some point, we will see the sun again and taste the sweet goodness of the gifts of nature. This year is special because another generation of our family gets to decide their fate as either pickers or non-pickers. I've always been a picker since I was probably a bit older than Henry; My grandmere and I would dutifully pick the tiny delicious huckleberries right on the border of Idaho and Montana, and one of our favourite patches was yards away from where one of her relatives surveyed in the state lines of Montana(plot twist: it's backwards). My mom, on the other hand, was born a non-picker who often loved finding a nice shady spot with a book. Thankfully, as she and I were both raised as only children, she has become a picker because berries won't pick themselves and blackberries are awful to pick. And Buggy was such a trooper: he started off picking berries but then he just wanted to eat berries even double fisting them. Tradition can be so delicious.

2. I finished my 2 weeks at Medline on Saturday, and they were absolutely good people for whom to work. And on Tuesday, I start with a municipal organization in emergency mitigation services, which should be a good job. Its a serious pay cut from Cosmo, but I cant wait any longer. And with graduation looming for me at CWU and my MBA application submitted, my options are expanding by the day. I refuse to be blind to the silver lining to my loss of my job at Cosmo, and I am open to the lessons that the universe is teaching me.

3. So for a long time I couldn't wrap my head around affirmations, but now that I'm doing them, I feel different. I think maybe, just maybe, the reset has begun and I'm looking at how I reclaim grace. To all who helped: much love.

4. To all of you who do online tutoring, what do you think of it? I have some expertise, and I think I could parlay it into a little more income and use it for the benefit of others. Thoughts?

5. We find out this week what sort of pre-k/transitional kindergarten programme Buggy will be in this fall. And, cool thing: H was also accepted into our local college and is going to be finishing her degree in Chemical dependency counseling. Her sobriety not withstanding, she is so smart and if she wouldn't have had her oldest son so young she could have done anything. She was studying to become a nurse when "life" and a few other things got in the way, and I think how much of a loss it was, truly. So having her go back to school is truly making sure the smartest person in this house gets to use that amazing brain for good of others and not just making good stuff like the boule in the picture.

6. Jimmy Buffet and Bill Richardson, on the same day? I got to meet Bill and hear him speak, and he was truly a champion for the forgotten and unjustly imprisoned. And Jimmy... I heard so many stories of him playing the Elbow room in Dutch Harbour and Tony's in Kodiak that, turns out were all true. While he might have been seen as a brand, some of his lyrics really hit my old broken down ass self pretty hard. And like his lyric said,

"I hope you're enjoying the scenery

I know that it's pretty up there

We can go hiking on Tuesday

With you I'd walk anywhere

California has worn me quite thin

I just can't wait to see you again"

Peace be with them...

7. The agates and the quartz glass are from a local beach, and 3 generations of hands have touched them. 3...Somewhere, my father figure is proud and glad it took(and that his great grandson loves rocks and getting dirty, just like him).

If you are still reading this, don't labour tomorrow. Rest. Relax. It's been a hard 9 months, and judging by our mountain ash bushes here, it's going to be a long miserable winter. Many blessings yall, and be kind to yourselves and take a moment. If my stubborn ass can finally say, and mean it, "I love the person I am becoming", you can too.

Much love!!!!

[doctorgeekery]

20 Questions For Writers

Thanks for the tag @sinvulkt!

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

I have 7 works.

2. What’s your total AO3 word count?

60,129. Wow, a lot more than I thought, especially since I am terrible about posting things I write.

3. What fandoms do you write for?

Looking at my official statistics, apparently I have written the most for Marvel (4). Most of those are marvel crossovers with some sort.

However, Marvel is definitely NOT what I have written for the most. Back in middle school and high school, I wrote a lot of Harry Potter fanfiction and posted it on harrypotterfanfiction.com back when that still existed. I wrote two novel-length stories in addition to one-shots. If I were to add those to my AO3 stats, things would be very different.

4. What are your top five fics by kudos?

1. It's Nice Being an Avenger (2,331 kudos)

2. The Dark Knight and Gotham’s Prince: Our Sweethearts (1,070 kudos)

3. Just Call Me Lucifer, Love (778 Kudos)

4. Avenging with the Nine-Nine (475 Kudos)

5. Melting the Ice (78 Kudos)

The number one fic is a crossover of Netflix's Daredevil and the MCU Avengers. It wasn't too popular for about two years after I wrote it, but then after Charlie Cox as Matt Murdock/Daredevil appeared in Spider-Man: No Way Home, the popularity skyrocketed. I got at least ten kudos every day for about two months after that movie.

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

Yes! I do not get them terribly often so I try to remember to reply to all of them. Some of them I might forget to reply to and wait until a few months later, though.

6. What’s the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

I tend to usually post-humorous fic to AO3, so of what I have posted, the angstiest fic is probably "Harklin", which is set in the Star Wars High Republic. I usually end on a positive note. The darkest fic I've written - one I wrote in high school in which the main character committed suicide - had a somewhat uplifting last few sentences as the main character only committed suicide so she could be with the ghost she fell in love with.

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

Most of my fics have happy endings. "The Dark Knight and Gotham’s Prince: Our Sweethearts" is probably one of the happiest, though - I had a few commenters gushing about the happy ending.

8. Do you get hate on your fic?

Nope! I am glad. Sometimes people will point out minor corrections/mistakes, but that's not hate. And I'm glad they do it, because then I go back and fix it.

9. Do you write smut?

No. I read it sometimes, but I have no desire to write it.

10. Do you write crossovers?

Yes, I have a few crossovers posted - most notably the Marvel/Lucifer TV crossover and the Marvel/Brooklyn-99 crossover. It is interesting, since I rarely read crossovers, but I love to write them.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

I don't think so? Never checked, but nobody has told me that it has been, soooooo.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

Just hit this milestone a few years ago! Someone asked me if they could translate "The Dark Knight and Gotham’s Prince: Our Sweethearts" into Chinese, I said yes, and it is now posted as a translation of my fic. HUGE honor - the day it was posted I was grinning so much.

13. Have you ever co-written a fic?

Yes, I co-wrote a one-shot once back when I was writing on harrypotterfanfiction.com. I literally just looked it up on wayback machine because I don't remember it well (looks like I published it in 2014), but it was for a challenge/competition thing with another randomly assigned author. We got along quite well and had a lot of fun!

14. What‘s your all-time favourite ship?

When reading fanfiction, I tend to not read a lot of romance, and I don't write a lot of romance, either. I don't have a "this is 100% my favorite ship" that I am sure about, but the first one that popped into my brain when reading that question is Supercorp.

15. What’s the WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

"Avenging with the 99" - essentially, the cast of Brooklyn 99 teams up with some Avengers for their annual Halloween Heist. There's so much pranking and a lot of fun, but a) after a certain point, I struggled with where to take it and b) I know at one point I planned who was going to win... but it's been so long that I have forgotten.

In middle and high school, I planned out an entire seven book series for Albus Potter, Harry Potter's son. I completed the first two books (something I will always be proud of) and started writing the third while I was still editing the second book, but then I quit. I had outlines of plans for all seven of the books, which I know I still have somewhere. At this point, it has been so many years and I have fallen out with the Harry Potter fandom completely, so I know I will never go back to it.

16. What’s your writing strengths?

Dialogue. I love to write dialogue, as it comes so naturally to me. Easiest part of writing, by far.

17. What’s your writing weaknesses?

One, I hardly ever write. Most things I write I don't complete. But when it comes to writing itself, I am AWFUL at description. I can't describe locations, people, etc. If you see a fic of mine with a lot of description, know that it took me a painfully long time. Often when writing a first draft of something, I will say [insert description of place here later] because trying to describe things ruins my flow.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?

I have never done it, but I don't see why not. I think it depends how much - a few short phrases here or there would be awesome, but I don't think all of the dialogue should be in a different language than the rest of the fic.

19. First fandom you wrote for?

Harry Potter

20. Favourite fic you’ve ever written?

Honestly, "The Dark Knight and Gotham’s Prince: Our Sweethearts" is one of my favorites to go back and re-read. I still laugh when I re-read it.

I will always be proud of the first fic I ever wrote, simply because it was novel-length (75K words) and I did an excellent job for a 13-15 year old. I would never want to re-read it now, though - I will probably cringe at it.

As for tagging... uh, I think @sinvulkt already tagged most people from our Star Wars discord, so I shall change fandoms and tag @starsandstormyseas. I will also tag @chaosgoblinhours because I love their Gutterworks series.

[eyepatchdate]

ok. so. a bit of admitting a shame here. my first playthrough of lies of p i DID cheat on second phase of final boss. i had his first phase down and his second phase i was barely lasting at all. i spent idk. an hour or so trying and was getting sick of it esp because you can't use a spectre on that boss. i was SO good at first phase but it still was a pain to get through first phase to get walloped in second phase. i have wemod on my computer so i just cracked that babey open because i wanted to. finish the game. i AM hoping that i'll be able to fight him properly in new game plus here (and I will be a little more patient as i wont be like 'i MUST finish this game' especially because i am getting the same ending i got the first time rn). anyways.

my thing with these boss-focused games is like. i do love challenge and its fun but i do not enjoy spending hours on a boss. this is ironic (and i am making this post for this reason): in other games i do this without hesitation.

i nightmare raid in swtor. we spent like 9 months irl as a team working on taking down revan, and every week i get into swtor for 2-4 hours to slam my head against bosses i've been fighting for years with my team. that is like. endless patience.

also. in megaten games i am ALSO much more chill with boss attempts taking hours. my first playthrough of strange journey, i didn't know what shekinah's mechanics would be (obviously) so i was not prepared and thus EACH ATTEMPT i would survive about 12 hours worth of turns before I'd die (or kill her). i legitimately. over several weeks. did multiple 7-12 hour attempts on the final boss before i finally got her down (pausing often of course but i timed myself for a few of those attempts just so i had an idea when i realized how long it was taking me). ofc my second playthrough i was way more prepared so the fight took, idk, an hour or whatever. but i had the tenacity to keep pushing rather than change my party setup that first run. i was OBSTINATE.

and like. swtor isn't turn based and strange journey is, so like, you can pause during the fight and whatever. but THEN i remember when i played raidou 2 i ALSO had an issue with the final boss b/c i refused to play that game correctly, so i wasn't using demons as attackers. i put everything into raidou and my demons were healing tanks to me. i got so good at dodge rolling and such. and the final boss is like, you are supposed to use your demons offensively and hit weaknesses to keep your magitite up, etc. i did do a little bit of that, but i spent like 2 hours rolling around on the ground in my successful attempt (and if memory servers, the final boss of raidou 2 only took me like. a handful of times to beat. i may have even beat it on my first go? i probably needed like 2-3 though, but it wasn't long. my successful attempt took longer than anything else and i did all of that in an evening).

anyways. idk. i am rambling. i just think it's interesting that in games like lies of p and furi, these like more boss-focused hack-and-slash-with-parries style gameplay im like. nah.

[imiren-kul]

Okay I'm gonna start using my blog for like, actual blogging. I was telling some friends about the antics I get up to at work and they were saying I should write it down and share it so I guess that's what I'm going to do.

For some backstory/context, I currently work as a driver/salesperson for BlueBell Creameries. If you don't know, it's an ice cream brand that only sells in the American South and has a cult following here in Texas since its original factory was based in Brenham, TX. It's really good ice cream, arguably one of the top three options you can find in most grocery stores.

I also used to work for a flatbed company for a while about a year ago or so. That may come up in the future but I'll elaborate as I need to. All you need to know is that is was a nightmare job where every day was a new calamity.

I'll try and update art least twice a week if not daily. It would probably be fun and cathartic to share some of the wacky shit that happens. I'm also told I'm a good story teller but the jury's still out on that.

So I'm gonna update yall on the latest happenings before I start the week.

I've had no less than 4 freezers go down on me this month and one freezer is on its way out. The first one seems to have been a one-off weird malfunction. It's working and I haven't had ice cream go bad in a few weeks. I'll check back in on that tomorrow. Another one that went bad is on Mondays route as well. (I hit different stores on different days of the week. So Monday stops are different from Tuesday, Thursday, or Friday stops with the exception of major grocery stores that I hit every day.) The second convenience store that went down, I lost like 40 some pints of ice cream. I left them with a minimum of ice cream and I'm not gonna go back until my territory manager gives me the okay.

The third one was actual at a grocery store, one I call the Cursed Randall's™. It's very gross. The back rooms are a disaster and the frozen manager is disgusting. There's a river of slime in the back lot where I park I have to step over. Anyway their freezers suck. They go down more often than they should and the ice cream is always slightly soft in the doors. They got fixed and I refilled the freezers so it's back to the status quo for me.

My latest store that had a freezer go down has been a problem child for a long time. The freezer has failed several times before and has melted ice cream in the past. They fairly recently got a new freezer unit but they put it in the back corner of the store next to the cleaning supplies so they never sell much or any ice cream. I deliver there maybe once a month. Anyway, they lost all their ice cream recently because of some kind of failure. I chunked like 50 pints, 5 ½ gallons, and dozens of snacks. I told the manager on duty that I couldn't guarantee they'd get a credit on the ice cream since this has been happening so much. I'm not gonna go back there either until I get the green light from my TM.

There's more lore but I'll fill you in as time goes on. Hopefully I'm able to keep this going and that yall enjoy my stories. I also have a dashcam so I can share videos of the idiots I encounter on the road as well!

[neodreamgirl]

there's so many things that have been bothering me these past couple of weeks...

but what I really want to talk about is the fear I have of becoming depressed again. things are difficult right now for me financially, and I am finding it very hard to find a new job. throughout this difficult transition of being a college student to being an adult navigating the real world, I have been lucky enough to still be on anti-depressants. they block the extreme negative emotions that come with depression, but I still feel secondary things. my mood is very low, I feel tired often, I don't want to talk to anyone, and most of all, I feel shame. you can also add in a touch of frustration to the mix.

actually, frustration might be what i have been feeling all along. i'm dissatisfied with where i'm at in life. I feel embarrassed, ashamed...it seems like no matter how many job applications I fill out, no one thinks i'm worthy of hearing back. every time I walk into my job, I get a headache. i'm so frustrated and upset with myself because there is no one to blame but me. my efforts may not be enough. my resume is garbage. maybe i'm not hungry enough for success and the cosmos are acting accordingly? I don't know...

but there's something so humorous about this. there are two other things bothering me at the moment, too, but I can't seem to focus on them. I think I have learned to prioritize better now that i'm 25...the frontal lobe is in full effect it seems. I feel like i've detached from this guy that I was dating for about 3/4 months. at first, I was full of anxiety when he suddenly stopped texting me, but it went away after I made note that I have abandonment issues (LMAO?). i'm upset that we aren't talking right now, but I'm not too sure why it isn't bothering me as much. or maybe it's bothering me so much which is why I haven't reached out to any of my friends about it. someone that I considered my best friend hurt me, too. I had considered her my best friend for 5+ years and she turned around and threw my struggles in my face when I couldn't be there for her because of them. she hasn't apologized for it, either. she acts like she did nothing wrong. that sucks. but, I also haven't reached out to anyone to tell them how much it bothered me that she texted me recently like nothing. she ignored my text about how I feel like she doesn't care about what I have to say, therefore I feel like we should take a break from our friendship. she ignored that text for weeks.

these two situations and the way i'm handlng them feels new to me. I usually get very anxious over being ghosted and super upset when someone I considered close pisses me off/hurts me. instead, it's like a shallow feeling of disappointment mixed with sadness. the best part about the guy and my best friend is that this all happened at the same time. both of them just disappointing me back to back.

i think my frustration overshadows every other emotion. my frustration seems to be the driving force behind me isolating myself and wanting to stay in bed all day on my phone, laptop or reading a book. in fact, the only thing I have interest in doing is sleeping, pilates, and reading. i'm afraid that if this goes on, i'll become depressed...I don't like who I am when I am depressed. maybe the anti depressants will prevent that from happening, but still. it feels like I don't have the energy or motivation to interact with people, which is probably why I'm not hitting up that guy, bothering him and asking him if he's okay. it's like i'm content with not speaking to him at the moment. I don't want to go back and forth with my "best friend" because I know she won't listen, but also because I don't have the energy. I feel like I need to let these things run their course while I stay in my own bubble and figure out what my next step is with work. what do I do? who do I talk to? how do I lock in? I feel like hiding from the world until I have it figured it out. which sucks, and I know it isn't healthy, but it feels nice for a while...

[dirtyscholar]

Writing asks 4, 10, 32

Thank you for sending another one of these! They're so fun, and I feel like I don't get to talk about my writing process a lot so that's very nice.

4 - What's a word that makes you go absolutely feral?

This is so difficult for me because I have a new word I like every few weeks? recent ones have been pulchritudinous, polysemy, oeuvre, and juberous. I also have words I probably tend to overuse while writing, like frothing or feral (ha) or inexorable. (do not ask me the rhyme or reason to that i just notice them a lot lmao)

10 - Has a piece of writing ever “haunted” you? Has your own writing haunted you? What does that mean to you?

Yes, regularly. I just read a fanfic by @rocket-eighty-eight on A03 called Some Weird Sin, and I've gone back and read this part over and over again:

What else is he going to tell Nate, Chris, Michael, Trejo? That he picked up some cokehead stray in an insomniac fugue state the last time they were in town, and for six months now he can’t stop fucking thinking about him? His voice and his hands and his laugh, that gleaming fishhook smile puncturing the soft parts, parts Neil didn’t even know he had left? How Vincent’s got eyelashes like a woman and a stare that hits like a high-powered rifle, blowing out the back of your skull? That the way he’d looked at Neil, or how his ass had looked in those pants, shotgunned all the blood from Neil's brain right down below his belt? Still does, if he thinks about it?

Also wait hold on this part, where they manage to make a flight of pigeons??? like the most???? incredible fucking thing I've ever read??

Pow. Distant, muted, what sounds like a truck going over a construction plate down the road. But it’s enough to spook the picnicking flock. They explode into the air in a shimmering mass of feathers, a contorting abstract shape of tightly choreographed and inconstant boundaries, shifting in synchrony. A collective, fearful consciousness, undulating in the air. He watches them ascend like a gray plume of smoke, wheeling up into the clear blue sky, his view of it unbounded, exhilarating and infinite. He thinks about the story that never got written, that will never be written, just a seed kept deep in a pocket of his mind. Charlie got out in three months and died the next week with a stick in his arm. Misjudged his tolerance. The state locked him up alive, then set him free with a death sentence.

Insane work. As for my own work haunting me, I think there's a few things I've written that I really love, that I come back to from time to and go damn. I cooked. This bit stands out from recent days:

But I’ve got no more time to think about it; I catch sight of March waiting at the top of the stairs. Sprawled across the landing, he’s just as exposed by the sunlight as the world outside, the window at the end of the hall burning away every hidey-hole and pocket of gloom. But unlike the gaudy black wood paneling or the mashed vegetable green of the scuffed walls, he looks good. Night creatures because of our job, I don’t get to see him lit up like this often, spun gold woven into the waves above his forehead, the narrow sideburns, the bristle of his facial hair—from scratchy mustache to the faint trail of sand-glint prickles along his throat. Hazed by a cloud of smoke thick as the smog outside, sunlight and silk-thin wisps put him in a world I’m not sure I should disturb.

32 - What is a line from a poem/novel/fanfic etc that you return to from time and time again? How did you find it? What does it mean to you?

I quote "Nobody can save you but yourself" from the Charles Bukowski poem all the fucking time. I think I found it while I was reading a Spike x Buffy fic? It's evolved to mean many things to me, primary among them that you can't save people from themselves, only they can ultimately make that decision.

Also, I constantly rec this fic to everyone I know lmao, but Mine and Apart by objectlesson completely changed my entire writing style and perspective on art for all time. The whole thing is quotable, but this bit in particular forever dwells in my brain.

“For a man who drinks so little, you care so much,” you say, and it comes out sounding sad, tired, perhaps even a little bitter. You cock your head, astounded by the tenor of your own voice, all that’s seeping through the careful white bandage you keep taped over the wound of your mouth.

GODS that last line kills me. It tells you so much about how the character perceives himself, and what his words reveal about him to the object of his affection. Wish I could get it tattooed on my body.

Anyway, sorry this was so long! But if you want to answer as well, here you go! 8, 18, and 39 @risingphoenix761