#of his relationship with louis he was playing games and daring him to admit he cared enough to be mad about it

[winepresswrath]

i am absolutely a nicki girl by the way it's just that much like show!lestat my love for him is so pure he doesn't even have to be hot. he can be an ugly crier with a floppy lil wig it only inspires tenderness.

[gracefullou]

maybe i'm underestimating him but i feel like people give niall too much credit and he's probably clueless and dumb to realize he's being played by harry. idk he never striked me as an evil person like harry does. maybe his marketing is working on me idk

I disagree. N*all may seem like the fun happy with everything guy but he is very aware of his surroundings and everything that's happening and chooses his next move accordingly. No one is that chill, and definitely no one loves humiliation that much especially not a pop star and ex-member of the most popular boyband in the world. Until today, N*all always showed support to Hrry and even went to his concert with zero aknowledgement in return. He never showed that much support to Louis even though he is the one who always supports him and even went to his show on his first tour but did Niall go to Louis'? Ofc not but he did go to Hrry's <3. And for all we know, since he started with his problematic shit Liam doesn't even exist to N*all, he stopped mentioning him altogether. Not that the power behind Hrry is a secret. Everyone in the industry knows the azoffs and who's their golden boy. Remmember what happened to L*am in 2019 when he dared to say he wouldn't dress his son like Hrry (or something like that. I forgot what he said exactly). Do you really think the relationships he managed to build with celebrities are all his irresistible charm? He got Ed Sheeran and Shawn Mendes on stage with him, he's besties with Lewis Calpadi and now has Hrry Styles at his concert. Good for him i guess. I'm not too proud to admit that i never thought he'd survive the hunger games and he proved me wrong. Even someone so boring like him with his vanilla standard music and no real fans could make it as big as he did if you suck it up to the right people.

[horansqueen]

AM Conversations : chapter 13

A Niall Horan fanfiction ; rated MA

CHAPTER 1 || CHAPTER 2 || CHAPTER 3 || CHAPTER 4 || CHAPTER 5 || CHAPTER 6 || CHAPTER 7 || CHAPTER 8 || CHAPTER 9 || CHAPTER 10 || CHAPTER 11 || CHAPTER 12

NOTES:

-one chapter is her pov, the next is his. -4k. -im sorry, i never proofread, i hate it. -there WILL be smut. but not only smut. -this is a romance, comedy, smut story. -for the summary, check my MASTERLIST.

- IF YOU WANT TO BE NOTIFIED WHEN THIS IS UPDATED, I THOUGHT I COULD START A TAG LIST SO LET ME KNOW. IF YOU’D RATHER BE NOTICED IN PRIVATE, MESSAGE ME TOO PLEASE!

- there will be smut added soon, just thought i’d give a fair warning!

- i’m having a hard time finding 2015 Niall gifs so i may add 2016 gifs instead. if you want to propose me any PLEASE message me. youll make my day!

- thank you so much for all the asks i get. you guys make me so happy. i cant even explain. thank you forever. i love you!!!

-please, message me, give me feedbacks, it would mean sooo much to me!

Chapter 13 : Her chapter

OLIVIA

Harry was staring at me and I was staring right back. I could feel my heart beat hard against my rib cage but I was not really sure why. Clearly, he thought Niall and I had seen each other naked and although it was pretty true for me, it wasn't as obvious for him. I had caught Niall masturbating completely naked in bed when he was 13, but when Niall saw me, I was wearing a shirt and panties. We got changed in the same room quite often but I knew Niall and I knew he would never look at me without my consent, whether it was out of respect or simply because he was not interested.

Harry's lips curled slightly on the left as he kept his eyes on me and I did the same, looking away and leaning against the couch behind me. It was embarrassing to talk about it and I wanted to talk about something else. I turned to my best friend and had to swallow hard when my eyes landed on him. He had just admitted he had slept with Maya and after what I had confessed to him earlier, it made it even worse. Now I knew why he was trying to reassure me about my jealousy for her and it had worked quite well but now, everything was ruined. I had came to make myself believe that they hadn't done anything. Niall was a discreet person but the way he acted with Maya was so different than how he acted with Heidi and he never explicitly confessed to having sex with her. Perhaps I just didn't want it to be true and now it was hitting me right in the face.

"Sorry guys, but Louis and I have both seen 4 persons in the room naked too, why didn't we get votes?" Liam argued with a frown, obviously talking about his girlfriend who put her hand gently over his.

"Don't go there, Liam." Louis quickly replied, taking the cigarette that was waiting behind his ear and putting it between his lips. "It's a can of worms and no one wants to see that."

Everyone remained silent when he lighted it up and after a few seconds, Eleanor smiled and read a question outloud. I felt the tension in the room calm down suddenly and took my pencil again, ready to keep playing.

"Who's got a deep secret they never told anyone?"

I suddenly held my breath and my eyes got bigger for half a second. I felt extremely exposed for no reason and I closed my eyes, imagining all the eyes turned to me. It was paranoia, it had to be, because no one knew I had feelings for my best friend. No one knew I've always had feelings for him, and that I probably always would. Reluctantly, I opened my eyes again and noticed everyone was busy scribbling down a name and no one was giving me any unsolicited attention. I felt my body relax slightly and quickly grabbed my pen, scribbling the first name that came in my mind.

I waited impatiently for Niall to read all the answers outloud and stress came back when I heard my name. I didn't want to seem like it was true and I simply waited for Niall to be done.

"I don't know why anyone would write Harry." Niall laughed. "He walks around naked, no matter who's in the room, I don't think someone who does that can have any deep secret."

Harry grabbed the first thing he could reach and threw it at him but Niall simply laughed, moving his head right on time not to get Harry's pen in the face.

"Liv doesn't have any deep secret she's never told anyone, she tells me everything, right?"

I held my breath again as I stared at Niall. His eyebrows were raised, his lips were curled into a satisfied smile, and i felt guilt invade my whole body and making my head throb. Could he read in my face how embarrassed I was? My lips parted and I was about to answer when someone else talked.

"Everyone's got secrets." Louis pointed out, taking a sip of his beer. "I'm sure you keep stuff from her and she keeps stuff from you."

"So you keep stuff from your girlfriend, Tommo?" Niall argued, his gaze moving from me to his bandmate.

Louis laughed and rolled his eyes.

"She's not your girlfriend, Neil."

Silence fell in the room and I swallowed hard, trying to find a way to ease the tension. I had no idea why these kind of games always ended up in some sort of arguments but I didn't want to be part of it anymore. I was about to just get up and leave when Lottie groaned low.

"You're both so fucking annoying." she let out. "I think it's time to find a new game to play."

She dived her hand in her purse and bit her bottom lip as she searched for something. After a few seconds where my heart threatened to jump out of my chest, she pulled out cards and sent all of us a smile.

"It's a game I used to play at parties when I was younger." she explained, shaking the cards to put our attention on it. "Kiss And Tell. It's some sort of truth or dare game but the questions and the dare all have to do with kisses. And to avoid everyone to choose 'tell', we'll use a dice. 1,2 and 3 are kiss, and 4, 5 and 6 are tell."

She checked the cards and got off the couch to sit on the floor, putting the two stacks on the carpet. I noticed Harry had gotten up to find a dice and I suddenly realized how bad of an idea it was.

"Okay but maybe I'm not interested in making out with everyone here." I pointed out, staring at the big 'KISS' written on one of the piles.

"Kisses on the cheeks are fine," she chuckled. "but you're ruining the fun, Liv!"

I remembered that time when we were 15 and went to a stupid party. We had played spin the bottle and when it was Niall's turn, the bottle had pointed at me. I couldn't believe I was going to kiss my best friend, who was also the boy I was in love with, in front of everyone. I remember how close he was, how his eyes had roamed on my face, how I held my breath, how scared I was, and how he had apologized in a whisper right before to press his lips on mine. His 'I'm sorry' had haunted me for weeks. What did that even mean? Was he sorry that we had to kiss in front of people? Or that I had to be kissed by him? Or maybe he was just sorry he had to kiss me because he really didn't want to. We had never talked about it after that but now that there was an other chance I could kiss him, I knew I didn't want to go through that again. Would anyone notice if I got up and ran away?

"No way, I mean unless you're actually dating someone, there's no reason not to play! A kiss has never killed anyone!" Max let out, making me turn his way.

"Well, actually..."

"No, no stats darling, please." Niall cut me straight, his lips curling slightly to the right.

I raised my nose in a grimace and shrugged, glancing at the cards again. Lottie decided to start, just to show us how to play and had to kiss the person she trusted the most in the room. Without a surprised, she walked to her brother and kissed his cheek for a few seconds with an exaggerated 'muah!', making me laugh.

I watched as Gemma grabbed the dice and got a 2, picking up a 'kiss' card.

"Kiss the person you could have dated (outside of your significant other)."

Her eyes roamed on everyone and she sighed in a defeated manner. I could bet kissing her little brother's friends was not something she had ever thought about.

"I'm sorry but i've seen all of you pre-puberty and it's a complete turn off." she pointed out, getting up and walking to the other side of the living room. "Except you."

Max chuckled but got up too and I stared at them way too intensely. It's not that I didn't want to kiss anyone. In fact, I didn't really mind, but I didn't know how i'd react if I had to kiss Niall again. I honestly thought it would hurt me even more than it did the first time. The kiss lasted a bit too long and the way she gripped the side of his shirt made my heart jump. I couldn't stop thinking about that kiss I shared with Niall and how I was torn between hoping to do it again or to never do it again.

When I got out of my thoughts, I noticed Gemma was back on the couch while Max had taken place somewhere on the floor near his best friend.

"He didn't look that bad pre-puberty but he's better now, trust me." Eleanor let out, making Gemma chuckle a bit.

It took only a few seconds for Julie to breathe her courage in and grab the dice before grabbing a 'tell' card with a small relieved smile. I knew no one would have forced her to kiss someone else than her boyfriend but I could understand why it was stressing her. In fact, the amount of stress invading my body at that exactly moment was clearly too much to contain and I started playing with the sleeve of my sweatshirt.

"Tell us about your most memorable kiss." she read out loud, sending a glance at Liam.

They both smiled at each other and I bite my bottom lip, forgetting how nervous I was for a few seconds. The level of complicity they had reached had me quite jealous. It must be amazing to be able to get to that point with someone when that someone was your lover. I knew Niall and I were extremely close, probably as close as Julie and Liam were, but we were just friends, and I think that toned down the relationship a bit. Not because friendship was less important than love, of course not, but because when you're best friends and dating, there was only the two of you. That intimacy wouldn't have to be shared with a boyfriend or a girlfriend outside of your relationship. It was complete. It was full. I wanted to be complete with Niall.

I glanced at him, making my heart jump in my chest, before to focus on Julie's story. I would have expected her most memorable kiss to be their first but it ended up being that one time, when he was on tour and they hadn't seen each other in weeks. It was in the way Liam had looked at her, how her whole body had given in, how it felt like the first time again... It was about how much they had missed each other and how they realized they didn't want to be apart for that long again. The romantic in my sighed internally as I brought my hands in my sleeves, gripping my shirt with both hands from inside. I could have something great with Harry, I knew it, but would we ever be as close as I was with Niall? That was clearly impossible. Right?

I saw Niall grab a card and my heart seemed to stop but I relaxed when I realized it was in the 'tell' pile. I moved my knees up, my arms around them, and leaned my cheek on them to look at my best friend. He seemed surprised by the card in his hand but finally read it outloud.

"Tell us about your most awkward kiss."

When Niall turned to me and dived his gaze in mine, I held my breath. I didn't want him to talk about that kiss we shared over a decade ago but I knew it had came to his mind and somehow, it made me feel like shit. It really was awkward, but to me, it was weird because I had feelings for him. For Niall, it was probably awkward because he didn't have feelings for me. He didn't want to do it. After all, he had apologized before doing it.

"Oh god." he chuckled, rubbing his eyes slowly and extending his legs on the carpet. "One time I was hanging out with this girl I didn't like and she just misread some signals or I don't know, and she kissed me but she did it so quick her front teeth hit my upper lip and it started bleeding. I don't know if it can be considered a kiss but it was horrible."

Everyone laughed but I just kept staring at him. I already knew about this story. That girl was one of my friends and after that day, I stopped speaking to her. Now that I thought about it, it was wrong of me because after all, she had no one idea how I felt for Niall, no one knew, but I couldn't deal with it anyway. It was not her fault, it was mine.

"Okay, my turn." Harry let out, extending his body close to me to grab the dice and pick a 'tell' card.

I felt extremely lucky that both of them had gotten that instead of a 'kiss' card. I didn't want to kiss any of them at this moment, but I also didn't want to see them kiss anyone. I closed my eyes tight at that thought, realizing how much of a loser I was, before opening them again. Harry moved his gaze up to look at me and his lips curled slightly into a fond smile. I couldn't explain how much I enjoyed it when he looked at me that way.

"Tell us about your favorite kiss." he read, his eyes never leaving mine.

I didn't want to hear about it but at the same time, I was dying to find out what kind of kiss could be his favorite. Was it romantic like Julie and Liam's? Or was it in a heated and passionate moment? I ended up thinking that knowing Harry, it could be a first kiss when he was young with someone he really loved, or an intense kiss before making love. He could give any of these answers and I wouldn't be surprised.

"My favorite non-kiss involved jello." he started, still staring at me. "And I was so close to kiss her but her clumsy ass choked on it. She probably thinks she ruined it but it made me like her even more. There was also this non-kiss in the pool, where I kept thinking about her lips and the way they would feel. Or that non-kiss at the lake where we got cock-blocked."

During his whole monologue, I held my breath and everyone was focused on him. It was always that way with Harry, he always had everyone's attention because he was captivating. I didn't want to think about everyone else in the room, though, and I didn't have to. He was looking at me, and no one else.

"But my favorite kiss is the kiss i'll get when we finally kiss for the first time. So it hasn't happened yet, but i'm still hoping for it." he concluded before I exhaled suddenly, realizing I was out of breath.

I smiled at him, my lips parting slightly and my heart jumping so hard in my chest that I honestly thought everyone could hear it through the powerful silence filling the room. No one dared to talk and Harry smiled more, chuckling low before moving his chin a bit.

"Your turn, Liv."

It took me a lot of courage to roll the dice and I had to swallow hard when I saw the number 3. I knew my luck couldn't stay forever and I shook my head, picking a 'kiss' card. I didn't want to read it, I didn't want to kiss anyone with everyone watching, and it took me forever to read the card. It took a few seconds to process what I read and I held my breath, confused and stunned by the words on the card.

'kiss the person you love the most in the room.'

I didn't even have the guts to read it outloud and I just pressed my lips together and shook my head.

"No, sorry, I can't do that."

Quickly, I got back on my feet and ran to the bathroom, locking the door behind myself. I leaned against it, my head hitting gently the wood, and closed my eyes as I tried to calm the erratic beatings of my heart. I knew my reaction would bring a lot of questions but I didn't care. I just couldn't deal with that card.

I felt the card between my fingers and held it tighter, glad that I had brought it with me so no one could read it. I slipped it in the back pocket of my jeans and pressed the palms of my hands on my eyes, trying to get rid of the shame invading my whole body and mind.

Instinctively, I thought about Niall as soon as I saw the words but picking him would be admitting something I was not ready to admit and probably never would. I knew it could pass as strong and intense friendship but I didn't think everyone would be gullible enough to believe it. It was obvious to me that at least one person would find out about how I really felt, and I was scared that that person would be Harry.

How did I really feel about Harry? Was he only there, in my heart, to fill the space I wanted Niall to fill? Was he someone I could fall in love with? Or was I doomed to date people I would never really love simply because I couldn't seem to forget about how much I loved my best friend? Was that void I wanted Niall to fill going to be there forever? Was it possible for me to be satisfied with someone the way I knew i'd be with him?

My head said it was possible for me to be happy without him, but my heart screamed louder, telling me i'd always be missing something inside of me and I tended to listen to my heart in every circumstances.

I jumped in surprise when I heard a knock at the door and moved away from it. I was not ready to face anyone but i knew i'd have to, sooner or later, and perhaps it was better to do it now and get it over with.

"Babe?" I heard a low but high voice. "Please, let us in."

I recognized Eleanor's voice and the surprise was even bigger. We've always been on good terms but I wouldn't consider us close. Still, I had to admit I was touched by the fact that she was ready to be there for me and I unlocked the door, opening it slowly. The shock was even bigger when I saw Lottie, Gemma, Julie and Maya waiting with her. I stood there, motionless, my lips slightly parted, and El just raised her eyebrows.

"Can we come in?"

The bathroom was large but clearly not built for 6 girls and I sat on the edge of the bath tub while the others leaned on the walls, sat on the toilet or simply on the floor and I waited until someone would talk.

"Okay so I don't know what your card is, but clearly, you want to kiss Harry, right?"

"Uhm.."

What was I supposed to answer to that? No one knew how I felt for Niall, meaning that no one could help me with this confusion that was tearing me apart. All of them thought my reaction had everything to do with Harry when it was a lie, and I had to keep on lying.

"Oh what he said about the kiss?" Maya let out, moving her upper body in our direction as her lips curled into a naive but happy smile. "That was so great! It wasn't even for me and it made my heart melt!"

I knew she was thinking about Niall and I swallowed.

"Yea." Gemma groaned before letting out a chuckle. "My brother has that effect on people."

"Wait." Julie quickly said, raising one of her hands to get silence. She turned to me. "You want to kiss Harry, Liv, right?"

"I mean..." I slowly raised one of my shoulders as my eyes roamed on the five girls around me. "I guess, yes."

That was not a lie. I just omitted to add that I'd prefer to kiss NIall.

"We could cheat?" Lottie proposed. "So they get to kiss? Or find a game that will have them kiss immediately?"

"7 minutes in heaven?" Maya quickly suggested, her face illuminating.

"What are we, 12?"

The discussion kept going but I remained silent, only half-listening to what they were proposing as they threw ideas on how and when I could finally kiss Harry. I knew they meant well, and I could admit that I was deeply grateful and moved by the fact that they were there for me and cared enough to try and help me. I had known these girls for a while and I liked them a lot, but even Maya, whom I had just met, was trying to find a solution and the fact that it made her even more perfect than she already was made something stir in my stomach.

Their voices became a background noise and I suddenly held my breath and jumped on my feet again. I was tired to wait, tired to ask myself questions, tired to analyze every move of everyone, including myself. I deserved to be happy, I owed myself to at least try, and it was time I did something about it.

"I know what to do." I just whispered, opening the door and walking out of the bathroom.

They remained motionless and in shock for a few seconds but ended up following me to the living room, getting there just in time.

The boys were now standing up, talking and drinking. I noticed Harry saying something and Niall laughed but they both noticed me when I entered the room. I had never felt so determined in my life. I knew I had to do it and I knew I had to do it now. It didn't matter where we were and with who. All that mattered was this.

I walked up to them and noticed Harry's lips curl at my sight. Quickly, I got on my tiptoe, gripped his shirt tight and pressed my lips on his. He smelled like expensive cologne and I closed my eyes, enjoying the feeling of his mouth against mine. His hands found my waist but I could barely feel the tip of his fingers brushing against my sweater as he deepened the kiss but kept everything slow and gentle. He tasted amazing: a mix of sweet alcohol and caramel. How was that even possible?

I think I heard a few positive reactions around me but I tried to shut down every single senses except the ones that made me enjoy this kiss. The way he smelled, tasted, felt... And at this exact moment, I asked myself why this hadn't happened before? Why did we wait so long to get this incredible and inexplicable feeling? There was no answer and I pushed the questions away to focus on this moment that I knew i'd never forget.

[darling-clemmy]

Queen of Diamonds (ClemxLouis Fanfiction)

Summary: During a simple card game, Clem and Louis get a whole lot more than they bargained for. Requested by Anon💕. (Everyone is alive and Clem and Louis aren’t together yet.)

Word Count: 1,719 words

Genre: Fluff

Warnings: Underaged drinking

A/N: I’m not super proud of this fic, but nonetheless, I wrote it, so I’m posting it. I hope you enjoy :))

“Okay, everyone! Everything is all set!”

The short redhead trotted back into the main building after catching everyone in the courtyard’s attention. It was a cool late spring night, and the green buds on the oaks had just blossomed into delicate leaves. Taking advantage of the nice night, the kids decided to hang outside, but Ruby (and Violet since she got cold easily) had another idea: to have another hootenanny in the music room.

AJ, Tenn, and Willy had decided on their own accord to have a party of their own, away from all of the older kids. Although Clem, Violet, and Mitch had all loved their respective kids endlessly, they appreciated the fact that they’d be getting some free time away from them. The absence of the younger boys also allowed for the teenagers to be, well, teenagers. This was also promised in two bottles of beer that Marlon and Mitch had found on a supply run not too long ago.

The group made their way up to the music room, now basked in the glow of red candlelight and the crescent moon in the sky. Soft upbeat instrumental music vibrated from the record player, filling the room with a sense that maybe the world hadn’t entirely gone to shit. Louis quickly identified the genre as country, to which he pestered Ruby about, knowing she chose it. She didn’t pay him or his cruel words toward the music any mind, and refused to put on a classical vinyl.

After groaning in dramatic agony, Louis changed the topic. “Seeing as there isn’t much else to do, how about a game?”

The idea excited Clem, as she always enjoyed playing Louis’ silly lighthearted card games. It gave her a sense of peace, of joy, for a few minutes in the midst of living among the animated dead and the cruel living. Even if it was just the two of them playing, it made her feel happy. Actually, especially if it was just the two of them playing.

“Oh, my god, really? We have a party and we still have to play one of your stupid card games?” Brody whined, already reaching for one of the glass bottles in the middle of the circle they were all sat in.

Louis swatted her hand away. “Hold on. How about we compromise?”

Brody raised her eyebrow. “Compromise?”

Clem could see Marlon smirking, looking between his best friend and his suspected girlfriend.

“Yeah. How about we play truth or dare, but with a twist. Whoever has to answer or do, has to also take a drink.” Louis explained, not waiting for a response before passing out small decks of cards. “You all know the rules—highest card asks, lowest card does.”

“Fine, I guess I’ll play. Only for a little, though,” Brody sighed.

“I’m surprised you caved in so easily.” Marlon teased while everyone else grabbed their cards, earning him a scowl from the girl.

For the first round, Clementine got the lowest with a two of hearts, while Mitch got the highest with a king of spades. Clem looked up, meeting the mischievous eyes of the boy across the circle from her.

“Huh, look at that, I win,” he brags. “How about a truth?”

Clem shrugged silently before sliding a beer over into her lap. Not bothering to read the label, she pryed the cap off and took a quick sip. She already knew she wouldn’t like the feeling of drunkenness or the taste of the alcohol. Her face stayed moderately straight at the bitter taste, not wanting anyone to taunt her.

“What’s the farthest you’ve gone with a guy?” He asked as simply as asking her favorite color.

At his words, Clem blushes instantly, embarrassed at both her truthful answer—not having done anything at all—and how she’d have to admit it in front of Louis. Would he think she was boring? A prude? She had never really talked to him about his past relationships before she arrived at Ericson a few months ago. How far had he gone?

“That’s a gross thing to ask, Mitch,” Ruby chastised.

Noticing her silence, Violet spoke up, too. “You don’t have to answer that, Clem.”

“No, it’s okay.” Clementine replied, pushing away her thoughts. “I haven’t done anything, really.”

“Really? Nothing at all?” Mitch pressed, not so sneakily glancing between her and the dark boy beside her.

Louis noticed this. “What are you insinuating, dude? She answered the question, leave it be.”

The tall boy rolled his eyes in response and grumbled something under his breath. As everyone else began to move onto the next round, reaching for new cards, Clementine looked over to Louis, giving him an appreciative smile. He smiled back, sending over a discreet wink, too, burning up her just cooled down face once again.

In the second round, Aasim got the high card and Violet got the low.

Violet’s face fell into an anxious expression. “I hope everyone is okay with me, like, not drinking. It just doesn’t really have a great history in my family, if you know what I mean.”

Everybody sincerely understood and nodded quietly. They had all been through their fair share of trauma, and Violet’s just so happened to be related to the addictive liquid. What kind of friends would they be if they pushed something like that on her?

“How about a dare,” Aasim decided, thinking for a few moments before speaking again. “Tell anyone in this room something you’ve wanted to tell them for a while, but don’t say their name.”

“What kind of dare is that?” Marlon ridiculed, to which Brody lightly jabbed him in the bicep, telling him to shush.

“Ah, shit, okay,” Violet whispered. She took a deep breath, “I really—“ she paused before her face hardened and she stated, “You’re a huge dumbass.”

“C’mon Vi, we all know that’s directed at Louis,” Aasim replied.

They all began to laugh, yet Clem remained quiet, especially once she saw Louis’ solemn face. His usual starry, hopeful eyes were fixated on the wooden floor. His bottom lip was puckered out, something he instinctively did when his hands cramped up when playing the piano, when Marlon hit him in the arm a little too hard, when AJ mentioned some scary story from before him and Clem had arrived at the school. Louis made this face when he was sad, and Clementine didn’t like it one bit.

Before she could say anything, the group silenced and continued playing. They reached for new cards and Brody drank a long swig, claiming it was in place of Violet’s. Louis looked up and met Clem’s staring eyes for a moment before she looked away, embarrassed.

A chorus of “oo’s” echoed as it was realized that the apparent king of games had the lowest card. A three of clovers.

Mitch had the highest once again. A queen of diamonds.

He’s probably cheating somehow, Clementine thought to herself.

“Now I’ve beat both of the lovebirds,” he teased, smirking.

“Do you ever stop, Mitch?” Ruby scowled.

Ignoring the upset redhead, he kept his blue eyes on the boy with dreads. “I dare you to give Clem a kiss.”

“The most legitimate of dares,” Aasim mimicked, referring back to a card game a few months back where Clem dared him to kiss Ruby.

Clementine went red, a hot prickling sensation moving across her torso, up her neck, and to her face. Of course she’d like to kiss her long-time crush, but in front of most all of the other kids? That just seemed to suck all of the giddiness and magic out of it.

“I’m not doing that if she doesn’t want to.” Louis refused, squinting his eyes at the group before widening them at the sight of the girl avoiding eye contact with everyone else. His voice lowered. “Do you want to?”

She had felt nervous before, of course—the first time she walked through a herd, when she thought AJ was dead after he was first born, when she read a poem aloud to her kindergarten class. This was different, though. Very different.

Clementine knawed on the inside of her cheek. She looked around the room from the foggy windows to Brody and Marlon sharing the bottle of beer to the mahogany piano to Louis’ impending stare. After squeezing her eyes shut to clear them of the blurriness, she opened her mouth to speak.

“I don’t know,” she choked out.

Louis’ eyes softened more, if that was even possible. Yet, at the same time, there was still a flicker of disappointment in them. “That’s okay, Clem. We don’t have to.”

She exhaled shakily before jumping to her feet and pacing out of the room. It was all too awkward. Too embarrassing. She was angry at herself and Mitch and the fact that her head still felt heavy despite her not drinking much.

Before she could open her bedroom door, she felt a heavy hand grab her shoulder. She turned and was met with a pair of dark, kind eyes.

“Louis,” she sighed. “I-I’m sorry for walking out like that.”

“It’s okay, Clem. I just wanted to make sure you were alright.” Louis said, reaching his hand up to touch his neck.

She leaned back against the door. “Yeah, yeah, I’m fine. Embarrassed, but fine.”

“Mitch was being an ass. You don’t have to be embarrassed,” he comforted, moving his hand out to clasp her’s.

Clementine gasped softly at how warm and coarse his palms were. Still, she didn’t pull away.

The teenagers’ eyes traveled from their entwined fingers to each other’s faces. The hallway was dark, with the only light radiating from the shadows of the moon and stars. Despite that, Clementine was able to see each and every freckle dusted across his nose, his chapped lips, the barely noticeable dimple on his left cheek. All of these features on top of Clem’s already instense attraction to him resulted in a surge of bravery.

Standing up on her tiptoes, she kissed him. It was sweet and gentle and somehow even better than how Clem had rehearsed it in her head millions of times.

She pulled away, just enough to where their lips still brushed over each other.

Louis chuckled ecstatically. “What was that for?”

Clementine grinned. “I think I owed you a dare.”

[adorasbiceps]

I had to write about my brotp at some point and this idea just came to me so, in light of all the recent discourse that’s been going on, enjoy these two dorks:

"Oh ho, there she is!" Violet stops in the doorway of the piano room. Louis was sitting at his piano, as he always was, just playing a soft melody that Violet didn't recognise - it must be new. She doesn't say anything, that was kind of their dynamic, Louis did the talking and the jokes and the over the top dramatics and Violet kept his ego in check with her witty comebacks and glares. "Have you come to chop my piano into firewood?" He asks and Violet rolls her eyes which only makes Louis grin more. She enters the room, coming to stand by the edge of the piano, she still hadn't said anything but Louis didn't really need words from her. Violet wasn't too sure she should speak anyway, given what just happened on the roof. "You look flushed my dear Violet," Louis notes, he's looking at the keys of his piano. "does that mean my teasing of Clem's unrequited love wasn't actually unrequited?" He asks quietly. He's still playing that song. "Lou..." Violet almost whispers, she sighs and sits down beside him on the piano stool watching his hands drift over the keys - or tickle the ivories as she'd heard Louis annoyingly refer to it as. Violet and Louis had talked about this, they'd made a pinkie promise on it too, they both liked Clementine, a lot, but their friendship was also extremely important to them, they weren't willing to risk that, not for anyone, even the cute new girl, so when they'd accidentally gushed about Clem to one another and said "Hey, wait a minute" and admitted they both liked her, well, that couldn't come between them - nothing could anymore. "All is fair in love and war right?" He asks and he has his smile and joking exterior but Violet sees right through that bullshit. She knows Louis must have been hoping Clementine meant him during the game of truth or dare, when she admitted she had feelings for someone, as much as Violet had been hoping it was her - and it had been her! Violet nudges his shoulder, she feels dumb doing it, feelings aren't her forte, but Louis is important to her and she knows this has to suck on some level. "I'm sorry Vi, about how I've been acting the past couple weeks." Louis says, his hands stilling finally. "It's fine," Violet shrugs. "Marlon was your best friend." She may not understand why Marlon did what he did, she didn't know how to feel about him either, not after Clem revealed the truth, but it's more complicated for Louis. "I'm sorry too for, you know, speaking ill of the dead I guess." She'd said some bad things about Marlon, some of them true, some of them, well, harsh but maybe not untrue. She just couldn't believe Marlon did that, any grief she felt about his death got swallowed up by the red hot ball of anger she felt in her chest. "What Marlon did... it was fucked up." Louis says. "But hey, it's you and me against the world." Not entirely true but Violet got what Louis was trying to say. She may not like to admit it, but Louis was very important to her, she'd give her life to protect him and she knew Louis would do the same for her. Weirdly, other than maybe Tenn, and with the exception of Clementine (obviously), Louis was who she was closest to, he was her best friend, even if he was outrageously annoying. Violet sees him grinning and she just rolls her eyes at him which seems to make him grin even wider. "So, what happened with Clementine?" He asks, turning back to the piano instead of looking at Violet. She could tell he'd tuned the thing, now it didn't sound like he was banging a bag of cats against a wall. "Oh, uh, um-" Violet stutters, she felt her heart rate pick up a little, even now when she wasn't even in the presence of Clementine, she felt nervous, like a thousand butterflies were set loose in her stomach, and she was just talking about her - she wasn't even here! - god, she's a fucking mess. "Dude, you're blushing!" Louis says with a big goofy grin. "I am not!" Violet protests, scowling at him. "You so are." He retorts. "Screw you." Violet grumbles. Louis just chuckles and shakes his head. It wasn't just that Violet was hesitant to talk about Clementine with Louis but she just didn't want to hurt him. "Come on Vi, cat got your tongue?" He asks, bumping his shoulder against her's and Violet glares back at him, though she is slightly amused, not that she'd let him know that, their entire relationship relied on Violet bringing Louis' ego down not up. "We pinky swore on it, it's cool, I swear." He puts his hand on his chest, where his heart was. Violet raises an eyebrow in slight hesitation but Louis just nods his head so she thinks what the hell, if she wasn't going to tell Louis then she wasn't going to tell anyone and what then? Besides, this might be their last night together, what if the raider assholes showed up and Violet never got to have a heart to heart with her best friend, plus she just had to tell someone, Louis was the only person she wanted to tell. "She kissed me." Violet confesses and she can't help the smile that pulls at the edges of her lips. "Holy shit!" Louis says and Violet smiles softly. "That's what I said!"

[cherrystreet]

Another bombarding! BUTTTT!! (Just popped in my head after my last msg) Harry's POV during and after the fight and then his convo with Cam when he sends him home! (Sorry I'm just in love with TWG and would die for more, whatever it is!) 💜💛💚💙

ALRIGHT STEPH HERE WE GO. THE FIRST PART OF THIS ASK, 364 DAYS LATER. I LOVE YOU.

Harry looks down at the floor, back up at Louis, the insecurities coming out before he can stop them. “I don’t always know how you feel about me.”

The looks Louis shoots back is downright menacing. “You must be kidding.”

“No,” he says softly, “I’m really not.”

“I have been nothing but honest with you from day one,” he sneers. “Do you expect me to trip over myself for you, like everyone else does?”

“No,” Harry replies honestly, “never. That’s what I like about you. That you never act a certain way around me.”

“Then what are you trying to say?!”

Harry puts his head into his hands, frustrated. His head is starting to pound. “Don’t think that I’m comparing you to anyone when I say this--”

“You’re already off to a bad start, I can tell you now.”

“--but I know exactly how Cameron and Bryce feel about me. They can verbalize it. I never have any doubt with them. I don’t have to guess. With you…”

If Louis wasn’t mad before, he sure as hell is now, and Harry doesn’t know how to get out of this. “I don’t give a fuck about Cam and Bryce. One single bit. As far as I’m concerned, they don’t fucking exist. This is about us. And you’re going to sit there and tell me you’d rather be with one of them because they’re willing to up and move to your perfect fucking home without an argument or care in the world.”

“I didn’t say any of that! Christ, Louis.” He stands, now, staring at Louis directly in the eye, needs to be level with him. “Being in this position is so fucking hard, okay? You think you have to second guess everything? Try being me. All I do is worry and stress over every little thing.”

“Oh, poor Harry, everyone wants him and he can’t fucking decide what he wants.”

Fuck, he’s going to start screaming. Louis can hear him but he isn’t listening. “It’s not like that! Fuck! I know I told you I enjoy the chase, but Louis. Give me something to work with.”

“I am! I’m giving you everything, but you just don’t want to fucking listen to me!”

The irony. “No, you’re not listening to me. I have to choose, okay? I have to choose between three people who care about me, whom I care about, too, and I thought I knew what the end game was, but now I’m not sure, because the one I wanted can’t tell me exactly what he’s thinking about our relationship or even discuss moving without having a fucking panic attack. I have to choose and it’s tearing me apart and I can’t fucking think straight. I have to pick. I have to.”

Louis covers his ears with his hands and Harry’s entire body is pulsing with adrenaline, anger, the need to tell Louis exactly what he’s thinking if he could just have a moment to do so. But.

“Just because I can’t say the words you want to hear specifically doesn’t mean I’m not in this, so how dare you tell me that I’m not worth it,” Louis shouts, his voice hoarse, “because I tell you how I feel every damn day. It’s written all over my face, the way I touch you, the way we talk, I fucking know it. Stop saying you have to choose, stop saying you have to pick. I can’t. I can’t fucking.”

Harry desperately wants to pull Louis into him, but his limbs feel frozen. “Louis…” he manages.

“No, get out. Just. Out. Please,” Louis pleas, and he seems so small.

“No, I’m staying here, we’re fixing this.”

He looks around, everywhere but Harry’s face. “I’ll leave, then.”

“This is your room.”

“I don’t care.”

“I do, though.” Don’t leave me. Us.

“Awesome. Don’t follow me. And don’t be here when I come back.”

“Louis.”

It’s wrong, it all feels wrong, and Harry doesn’t know how to backtrack, to get Louis to stop shaking or yelling or looking at him like that. He doesn’t know why or how it spiraled so quickly but now Louis’ out the Goddamn door, part of the crew closely following behind him, and Harry feels sick to his stomach. He looks at the mess of M&M’s strewn across the coffee table, the rumpled up sheets on Louis’ bed, the photo of his mom on his night stand, and Jesus Christ, he doesn’t care where the hell he ends up, just as long as he gets to have all of this with Louis.

He looks up helplessly at Zach, who’s already lowering his camera cautiously. The air feels oppressive, suddenly, and he needs to get up, get out, get his boy.

“Zach, I’m gonna…” Harry stands up and points to the door. “I have to make sure he’s okay.”

Zach makes a face. “I mean, you can if you want to, but are you sure you should?”

“Yes,” he replies with certainty. “He needs to know I’ll go anywhere with him.”

“Specifically away from this villa that he clearly asked you to stay in?”

Harry frowns, doing his best to hold back tears. He feels pathetic. “I didn’t get the chance to talk. I wanted to go over the negatives with him, and then the positives. And then he…” He trails off, doesn’t need to recap it. “I need to fix it.”

“You will,” Zach says. “Can I just…”

“Can I what?”

He hands Harry his headphones, turns the camera. “Sometimes it’s easier to see where it all went wrong from an outsider’s perspective.”

“Zach, I don’t want to watch this.”

He presses ‘play,’ anyway, and Harry’s stuck, watching it all back in front of him, helpless. It hurts worse this way, seeing how quickly Louis’ guard went up, how Harry didn’t catch it in the beginning and kept pushing. He rewinds it, watches it from the start, then does it again. He hopes for clarity. Instead, it makes him feel like shit, moreso each time.

The worst part, he thinks, is that he didn’t initially catch the way Louis’ body language changed so quickly, how his eyes turned glassy, how his entire demeanor changed to a fight stance. Harry drags his hands across his face, thinking that maybe, he doesn’t actually know Louis the way he thought he did, and what the fuck is he supposed to do now.

Harry spends the rest of the evening alone in his villa. He writes out exactly what he wants to say to Louis, beginning with an apology for being so pushy, so demanding, followed by an explanation of how he intended for that conversation to go.

“I wanted to tell you that I’m afraid of leaving California,” he says to himself, staring at his reflection in the mirror, “and that I have so many uncertainties and I need to be able to talk about them with you. Because this thing between you and I is a serious thing and we need to lock down some future plans. I’m not sure where I’m going to end up, physically or emotionally, but we need to explore all of our options. It’s important to me. You’re important to me. Even if I don’t understand exactly what happened back there, I do understand that I want to fix it. All of it.”

His cheeks are red, his lips are cracked, he looks like hell. He keeps practicing.

“You told me you weren’t thinking about our future and it hurt. Like, I think about you in my life probably more than I should be admitting to right now. And, it’s. Everything got lost in translation and I came off like a massive prick. I’m not blaming you for how I sounded. That’s my own fault. I’m just, terrified we’re not on the same page. We need to be. Same book, same page, same ending.”

He takes a deep breath. It comes out shaky.

“I’m not supposed to tell you I’m in love with you. But I’m telling you I am. And I will follow you wherever we need to be. San Francisco, Chicago, the North Pole… I don’t care. I’ll do it. The fear of leaving my life behind isn’t nearly as scary as the idea of not having a life with you.”

He sighs, wonders how Louis will respond, how he’ll react. Hopefully he takes it as well as Harry’s mirror did.

Harry waits until the crew has gone to bed and all the lights are out before he sneaks back to Louis’, ready to grovel, ready to give Louis whatever the hell he wants just so he never has to be the one to cause that reaction ever again. He does his best to prepare himself for Louis refusing to speak to him, or maybe to send himself home.

He squeezes his eyes shut as he knocks on the door. Worst case scenario, if that’s what Louis wants, Harry’ll just jump into the water, maybe drown a little bit.

Fuck, he’s second guessing everything.

Louis opens the door a moment later, naked sans boxers, and Harry’s mouth goes a little dry. He’s effortlessly beautiful and Harry can hardly stand it. All the words he intended so say are gone, his brain empty other than the swirl of Keep him. Save him. Love him.

“Can I come in?” Harry asks tentatively, voice cracking.

He nods, takes a step back, crosses his arms over his chest, like he’s trying to hide. “Harry…”

Harry can hear the apologetic tone in his voice, can see it in his eyes, and Christ, he knows his boy, what was he thinking. They’re both in this. They’re here. “Lou. I’m, like.” Impossibly in love with you.

Louis reaches out, touches Harry’s hand, and that’s all the invitation Harry needs before he’s pulling Louis into his arms, holding him carefully, tightly. He knows Louis will hook his chin over his shoulder before he actually does it, his stubble rough even though Harry’s t-shirt. He smiles.

They stand there for a while, long enough for Harry to memorize the rhythmic pattern of Louis’ heartbeat against his own, and when they finally break, Louis takes a moment to drag his finger across Harry’s cheek, his movements slow and meticulous.

“Lou,” Harry whispers, his eyes closed, “I’m so sorry.”

He’ll get his thoughts about - eventually, maybe not right now - but first and foremost, he needs Louis to hear his apology, needs him to know how much he’s cared for, needs to let Louis keep touching him like that because it’s enough to keep him from crumbling.

And he knows Louis is going to counter Harry’s apology with his own, which he does immediately, and though it could potentially feel stale to already know someone so thoroughly, it just makes Harry happy. Happy that he’s lucky enough to have this, even if he doesn’t actually have it yet.

Yet.

Harry knows Louis; all doubts are out. They’ll have it. No more questions.

He doesn’t get the rest of his mirror speech in, because Louis slides his hands into Harry’s pockets and rests his head against Harry’s chest and everything else feels like it suddenly comes second.

“I just want to be with you,” Harry murmurs, the most he can spit out.

Louis nods against his t-shirt. “That’s what I want, too.”

“Thank God.”

[shagharoldd]

Not As Long As Me

(Image not mine...unfortunately) Warnings: None!  Synopsis: Harry gets jealous that you are really close to one of the other boys and true feelings surface. Word Count: 1693 Apparently I have a hard time writing blurbs...sorry Xx I hope you like it still! Please leave me comments! Or send me requests!! 

~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~

These kind of nights were your favorite and the ones that you missed the most when he was gone: snuggled in on a cold winter night, playing stupid little games with Harry, wearing your favorite pajamas, sipping tea slowly. You both tried to do it at least once a week, however, this week you had done it twice.

“Morgan Freeman?” You ask, tilting your head to the side, all of the clues that you had been given pointing towards him. “Yeah,” he smirks, throwing his card down, running his hand raggedly through his hair. 

“I win?” You ask, incredulous, mostly because you never win. After it kicked, however, you were elated. I win!” You yell, jumping up from your place on the carpet. You do a little victory dance, which ends up looking more like the dance from Napoleon Dynamite. Harry rolled around the carpet, laughing so hard his eyes were brimming with tears. In all honesty, you hadn’t realized how ridiculous you had looked until you stopped, rewinding the last minute in your head. Upon this realization, you laughed harder, nudging Harry slightly with your foot. “You’re such a weirdo!” He laughs, pushing himself to his feet. He starts walking towards the kitchen, and you grab his hand, pulling him back towards you. “Where are you going?” You ask, grinning wide at him. “To get food.” He chuckles slightly, leaning a little towards you, your faces just inches from each other, “You exhaust me.” Harry and you had been friends since you were children. You lived down the street from him growing up. Your parents were good friends and your sister and Gemma were inseparable; Gemma was even in your sister’s wedding. Hell, you were even with Anne when Harry had auditioned for the X-Factor. “I do, do I??” You smirked, looking down at his lips. You licked yours subconsciously, but when he started to lean in, you pulled away quickly. “The sandwiches await!” You exclaim, pointing towards the ceiling. You take him hand and pull him towards the kitchen. He laughs at you, but is rather quiet while he makes you both food. It’s not that you don’t have feelings for him: you always had. From the time you two pretended to be married when you were younger; you even had a ceremony, complete with a veil made out of toilet paper. To the time your high school boyfriend ditched you at the dance and Harry swooped in, making you completely forget about him. “I think I just wifed you,” You smirk when he hands you your favorite sandwich, “Aren’t I the one who’s supposed to be making you sandwiches?” He laughs, taking a bite of his sandwich, taking some of the mustard the dripped at the corner of his mouth, and bopping it on your nose. You glare at him, but he just smiles and walks towards the couch. You wipe the mustard off of your nose, following after him, and pop your finger in to your mouth. You’re sitting on the edge of the couch, your toes stuck under Harry to keep them warm, when Niall walks in, along with Louis and Liam. “Niall!” You exclaim, jumping off the couch quickly. You run to him, wrapping your arms around his familiar frame. The boys had just gotten back in to town about a week ago, and while you had seen Harry almost every day, this is the first time you had seen the other boys. “Y/N!” He laughs, picking you up off your feet slightly, his arms wrapped around your waist. He twirls you in a circle quickly, then puts you down, kissing your forehead. “I’ve missed you!” You and Niall and clicked right away, becoming fast friends. He was also the only one who knew your true feelings for Harry. He was the one who you would message when Harry wasn’t acting quite himself: he was normally rather chipper on the phone, but when he became quiet and distant, you knew something was up. Niall would keep an extra eye on him for you and report back to you. You walk towards the couch, your arm linked with him, and you both plop down on the couch next to him, talking like rapid fire. You both had so much that you wanted to catch up on; just talking over the phone never quite did it. Eventually when your conversation died down, you looked around the room, the other three boys sitting on the floor, playing some card game, occasionally dipping a chip or two in some dip they had found. The boys had become so comfortable with you, and you with them, that they just helped themselves when they walked in to your house, and you loved it.

However, you would catch an occasional glare from Harry, out of the corner of your eyes or straight on. He would watch you and Niall, and you could feel a sudden jealousness coming from him. He always acts weird when you are with Niall, like he thinks that you two are going to have feelings for each other or something. But that wasn’t the case whatsoever. You two were just really close’ he had become like a brother to you, and you loved him, but nothing like the way you loved Harry. You were always just too scared to tell him out of fear that it would mess up the relationship that you had. “Don’t you dare,” you warn, holding up your finger, but despite the warning, Niall’s hands find the most ticklish parts of your stomach, sending you squealing. "Say you love me!” He yells, tickling you more and more. “I will, “ you inhale deeply, trying to gain your composure, “not,” you start to lose your resolve, “admit defeat!” “Say it!” He continues, his hands becoming more ferocious. “Fine!” You give in, pushing him away, “I love you!” He stops tickling you, and crosses him arms, looking smug as you try to gather yourself. "I knew it,” He laughs, leaning his head back on the couch. You scrunch your nose up at him and hit his arms, chuckling slightly. Harry grumbles and pushes himself up from the ground, and storms off towards the stairs, his long legs carrying him there quickly. “What was that about?” You asks, looking around confused. Liam just shrugs, but Louis looks at you and says, “I think you know. “ You look at him confused, a sudden pang in your heart from not knowing what happened. You slowly walk up the stairs, knowing that he went straight to your room. The door is closed and you knock on it softly, before opening it up. "What’s wrong?” You ask quietly. He is standing in front of the window, his arms crossed, and you walk up to him and put your hand on his back. “Nothing,” he grumbles, shrugging you off. “Something is.” You say softly, turning him to face you, his eyes not reaching yours. “Tell me,” you mumbled, squatting slightly so that you can make eye contact with him. "You,” he sighs, leveling his eyes with yours so that you could stand normal. “What did I do?” You ask, dropping your arms and instantly feeling guilty, hurt coming across your face. “Do you not think I see the way you and Niall act around each other?” He whispers, crossing his arms, exhaling. When you look confused, he quotes in an Irish accent, “Say you love me.” Sudden realization hits you, and you shake your head quickly. “Harry, Niall and I, w-were just friends,” you looked at him, your eyes sad. “You don’t act like it.” He sighs, and turns to sit on the bed. You sit next to him, taking his hand. “What is this really about?” You ask eventually, walking over to him. You stand in front of him, your body between his knees. You place your hands on his cheeks and pull his face up to look at you. “Y/N, I-” he pauses, and you give him a moment before nodding for him to continue. He takes a deep breath, then continues. “I love you. I-I’m in love with you. I always have been. But I’ve always been afraid to say something because I didn’t want it to ruin our relationship. But when I see you with Niall, the way you two laugh and act, it makes me jealous, because I know that we are never going to be more.“

Your hands begin to shake, as he is saying the same things that your heart feels. By this time he had pulled him face from your grasp, and he is looking down in his lap, nervously playing with his fingers. You see a tear fall into his open palm and you lift his chin, running your thumb across his cheek, wiping away a rogue tear. "Why can’t it?” You finally ask in nothing more than a whisper. “What?” He asks, his brow furrowed in confusion. “Why can’t that it be us?” “Y-You don’t feel that way about me.” He says, shaking his head. You laugh, standing up and kneeling in front of him, lifting his chin to make eye contact with you. “Harry,” you whisper, kneeling in front of him, placing your hands back on his cheeks, a slight chuckle escaping your lips, “I’ve been in love with you since I said ‘I do’ back when we were four in your mothers basement.” His eyes dart up at you, searching your face for clarification. “I always have been,” you add, before sliding your hand to the back of his head. You pull his lips towards yours, placing your lips on to each other. The kiss isn’t heated, nor is it intense or overly romantic. It was the kind of kiss that a couple has after being in love for fifty years. It was a soft, delicate kiss, one with love and belonging. Eventually your lips part ways, and you both sit there, silent, staring in to each other’s eyes. “Do you know how long I’ve wanted to do that?” You ask, breaking the silence, a laugh in your voice. “Not as long as me,” he winks, pulling you in for another long kiss. 

[junker-town]

How France is bringing romance back to American football

Illustrations by Brittany Holloway-Brown

Finding the romance in football américain

By taking football out of America, the French made it more communal and passionate than ever

Louis Bien •

La Courneuve may not have become France’s football powerhouse if Bruno Lacam-Caron hadn’t chased a girl. They were dating when she introduced him to a classmate named Yazid Mabrouki, who told Lacam-Caron that he wanted to start an American football club — football américain, in the parlance — in their dirty little Paris suburb 32 years ago. Lacam-Caron thought that joining the Flash might bring him even closer to her.

His relationship with football endured longer than his relationship with the girl, who he later married then divorced. He has never left the Flash, through the long period when the team was a glorified group of friends playing in a park, to now as a European Football League powerhouse. The Flash have won the French championship nine times and claimed a European championship. They have never been relegated out of France’s Élite division. Lacam-Caron has been the team’s general manager since 1994.

American football is a sub-chic sport in France, fervently practiced but in just a few small, insular places like La Courneuve and Saint-Ouen-l’Aumône in the Paris suburbs, or Thonon-les-Bains in the Alps. It has become French like so many things that define France — simple and good, rough and beautiful, like red wine and two-top cafés. It isn’t ubiquitous, but the sport is growing. There are now approximately more than 22,000 American football players in France, up from 2,000 20 years ago.

Lacam-Caron was one of the first few.

At age 14, he was living in the middle of France when his older brother died of leukemia, then he went — “psheeewwww,” he says — to Paris to live with his mother. Lacam-Caron’s parents were divorced and he didn’t like his stepmother or stepfather. He laughs and admits he was “a big asshole.” He says that maybe 80 percent of the original 26-person team was in trouble with the law, including him. He stole car radios and sold them. The other guys stole money, cars and wallets.

“It was a good salvation for me and my friends to be on this team,” Lacam-Caron says. “Because we create a new thing, a new family. We didn’t have a past. We come in like virgin people.”

Lacam-Caron didn’t care that he was playing an “American” sport. The sport shaped him as he and his teammates were simultaneously interpreting it 5,500 miles from the States.

France’s first American football club formed in 1980, four years before the Flash. In the years since, Lacam-Caron has helped build the Flash into a self-sufficient football machine, just as other programs are being molded in hidden places around France. French football exists. It isn’t a secret. It is spreading as a whisper you must be privileged enough to hear. And to the sport’s closest caretakers, that’s just fine.

“What does La Courneuve mean?” Mike Leach is wondering. “Is it some dude’s name, you think?”

I think the Washington State head coach thinks I know because of my name, and because I pronounce French words better than he does. I say it may have something to do with roosters, which isn’t even a little bit correct.

“They like roosters and frogs,” Leach says. “Why the fascination with roosters and frogs?”

The rooster is the national bird, and I think they just like to eat frogs.

“Well you know Benjamin Franklin thought the wild turkey should have been our national bird.”

The question I asked was about Flash de La Courneuve’s pro style offense and whether that was Lacam-Caron’s influence. Leach has been a friend and consultant to the program since 2010. He knows the Flash almost as well as anyone, but curiosity gets ahead of him a lot.

Leach loves history and wants to travel more, talk to more people, and see more things. His first head coaching job — 11 years before he took over Texas Tech, and 23 years before he took over Washington State — was with the Pori Bears in Finland. He had to have an interpreter tell his players what he wanted them to do. Physical demonstrations often translated better than words.

“Sometimes they’d laugh at inopportune times, and I’d be like, ‘Uh, hey, well hopefully you got that,’“ Leach says. “They were probably goofing on me, which would be understandable.”

Shortly after Leach was fired from Texas Tech in 2009, he met Lacam-Caron in a roundabout way through a former Flash quarterback named Braxton Shaver.

Shaver came from McMurry University, a small Methodist college in Texas, to play two seasons in La Courneuve before trying to find “a real job.” Then he decided he missed his friends in France and went back to La Courneuve to play three more.

Shaver’s last season in France was in 2006. In 2009, Lacam-Caron reached out to Shaver because Hal Mumme, the godfather of the Air Raid offense, had become McMurry’s head coach, and he wanted to know if the coaching legend was interested in visiting the Flash.

Mumme declined the offer, but he put Shaver in touch with Leach, who was living in Florida without a coaching job. Leach had wanderlust and a lot of time on his hands. He and Lacam-Caron exchanged a few phone calls, and then Leach was on a plane to spend a week in La Courneuve as a guest of the Flash.

“I was in touch with him, he said, ‘It’s not a joke. It’s Mike Leach,’” Lacam-Caron says. “And fuck, Mike Leach came.”

In La Courneuve, a street market envelops the games. The city is a popular place for artists and writers who want to live in “Paris” without paying the rent. A good deal of the population, 36.3 percent, was born outside of France’s five-pointed continental footprint. Booths outside the stadium sell dishes from Guadeloupe, Martinique and Tahiti. Inside the stadium, music will be blasting, “and the best way to describe it is ‘explicit,’” laughs Shaver.

He and Leach became close friends after that first meeting. They explored Cuba together. In 2015, Shaver traveled to the Middle East by himself, a trip he says he could only do because of the confidence he developed when he continued his playing career in La Courneuve instead of some Texas arena league.

American football clubs in France need American imports to succeed. American players are simply better — they start playing football at an earlier age, in better facilities, with more quality coaches, and a more rigorous practice schedule.

The way Leach and Shaver landed in La Courneuve is the same way that players in far-flung schools come to France. Few people seek it out. The opportunity has to come to them, often by word of mouth, and then players have to be daring enough to go.

“There’s a story you always hear, a kind of agreed upon story, of Division I football players from big schools sometimes don’t do so well when they go to the European leagues,” Shaver says. “They carry their pads to practice, they’ve got to ride the subway, they’ve got to wash their own clothes when they get home.”

They’re good players, but they have to be a little scruffy to end up in France. Ryan Perrilloux, former five-star prodigal son of Louisiana football, started last season for the Argonautes in Aix-en-Provence. Josh Turner, once a top-150 high school recruit for Texas, was the offseason’s prize signing for the Thonon-les-Bains Black Panthers, even though he was never much more than special teams ace for the Longhorns. He served a two-game suspension in 2014. Black Panthers president Benoit Sirouet calls him “the best athlete of his time here in France.”

Thonon-les-Bains is the most secluded of France’s football cities, hugged between the French Alps and Lake Geneva. The town is next to Évian-les-bains of Evian Water fame, and the Black Panthers play their games in full view of the real life three mountain tops on the bottle label. Players joked that they were showering in Evian water after games: The water from the shower heads really was that clear.

Thonon is small, a town of about 40,000 people where football is bigger than even soccer or rugby. American football is the only sport in which Thonon can claim a top-league team all its own. Sirouet says the club now has almost 500 members. The Élite squad won back-to-back titles in 2013 and 2014 behind French national team head coach Larry Legault.

Sirouet attracts a lot of athletes who are tired of France’s obsession with soccer. The Black Panthers regularly draw 1,000 to 2,000 people to watch home games at perhaps the best American football facilities in the country.

“It’s pretty weird seeing like a full turf practice field in the middle of France,” says Sam Poulos, a former dual-threat quarterback for Grinnell College in Iowa. He will be going back to Thonon to play a second season. “That’s a lot of money for a town or team to put in.”

American players get paid, too. The monthly stipend isn’t much — 500-800 euros a month depending on the club — but most of their French teammates pay dues, and often buy their own equipment.

The perks are better than the pay. Poulos gets housing and a car that he shared last season with former Idaho State linebacker P.J. Gremaud. The team was sponsored by local restaurants, so Poulos and Gremaud could go to a different establishment every night and get a free meal.

Clubs practice just two or three times per week and play games every other weekend. There’s no comprehensive film study. Most of the French players have to work jobs, or go to school, or be parents. Poulos and Gremaud, free of the football regimen as they knew it, took mid-week trips into the surrounding nature, up into the mountains.

“It was absolutely incredible,” Poulos says. “One of the more beautiful things I’ve ever seen.”

Shaver has been back to La Courneuve from Texas five or six times since his last season. Leach visited a second time in 2015 to host a football camp, and hosted three Flash coaches to shadow his staff for three weeks through the Boise State game in September. Lacam-Caron once asked Leach if he would like to coach for the Flash. Leach said no, but the offer stands.

“I’ve actually thought about if and when I ever retire,” Leach says. “Just pick out someplace over there and I guess rent a house … satellite from there and kind of saturate the region.”

Shaver will will hop on a plane for any flimsy reason to come back. He likes the idiosyncrasies.

“After a game in college, we’d all gather around on the field and say the Lord’s Prayer, right?” he says. “At La Courneuve, at the end of the game they bring out Heinekens.”

Anthony Dablé would rather he never play in France again. Just a handful of French players have ever made it to the NFL for even a tryout. Richard “Le Sack” Tardits, born in Bayonne, set the career sack record at Georgia before spending three seasons with the Patriots until 1992. He is the only French person to ever play a regular season game in the NFL. Dablé could be second, and the first who was entirely Euro-raised.

Dablé came close last year. In February, he signed a one-year minimum contact with the Giants to play wide receiver, but was cut from the team at the final roster deadline. He bided his time in Boca Raton, training at XPE Sports Academy, throughout the season. He had tryouts with the Jets and Patriots in September. In early January, he signed a reserve/futures contract with the Falcons and may finally take the field in 2017. At 28, his opportunity is now and only now.

When he was 17 his cousin showed him the video game NFL Quarterback Club ‘98. Dablé didn’t understand the rules, but he understood big plays when they happened — long passes and kickoff returns — not just by the yards they gained but by how scarce they were, even in the polygonal universe.

“And you know that it’s special because it doesn’t happen all the time,” Dablé says. “You have a lot of runs, and short gains and everything, so when you have a big pass and a big play, you understand.”

Dablé calls football his father. His biological father wasn’t around as he grew up, something he was OK with until he was 19 and rudderless. He had dropped out of his university psychology program and was working in fast food when he joined the Grenoble Centaures, his local team.

The machinations that wear down some players invigorated Dablé. He spent hours, daily, watching clips on NFL.com. He watched so much American football that he learned how to speak English from the commentary. His 6′4 frame is prototypical in the United States, and mammoth in France where football doesn’t usually attract many of the best physical athletes. With the Centaures, he had several coaches teaching him the game, hands on, no translation needed.

Dablé became a specialized big play weapon.

“The mindset and the lessons that you get from football, and the game of football is so similar to life,” Dablé says. “It tells you not to give up, and to have a plan, and help each other, have each other’s back.”

Dablé’s first career reception was a slant he housed in his first game in front of a crowd made up of friends and family. The first big game he played was in front of 7,000 people for the Élite division championship against the Flash in 2011, in which he caught another touchdown.

“It’s like practice is the way it works,” Dablé says. “Whether it’s one person or 100,000, that’s the same. You just have to do your job.”

In 2011, Dablé watched a man who looked a lot like him go No. 4 overall in the NFL Draft. A.J. Green was 6’4, 211 pounds, with a 4.5 in the 40-yard dash — like Dablé, or close enough. He set his eyes on the more competitive German league, joining the Berlin Rebels, then the New Yorker Lions, Europe’s preeminent club. In two seasons, Dablé caught 145 passes for 2,437 yards, and 32 touchdowns. He won two German titles and the Euro Bowl — Europe’s Super Bowl.

In early 2016, the NFL called. His agent had forwarded Dablé’s tape to the NFL United Kingdom office, where it found former Giants defensive end Osi Umenyiora, now working as a league ambassador. Umenyiora brought Dablé to London the next day for a workout, then — upon confirming that Dablé was the same athlete he saw on tape — told him to take a trip to Florida to train for the NFL regional combines.

The Giants hosted Dablé for a tryout two weeks later, then signed him right after. He was wanted. His mother cried. He couldn’t stay on the roster, but he knows now that he belongs to a class of people who can call themselves the best in the world at something. His future is in football, and he says he will only play it at the highest level before heading off to the sport’s peripheries, into coaching or broadcasting.

“When you get to a certain level, it’s harder to go back down,” Dablé says. “It’s going to be boring.”

Dablé misses the kinship of small-time French football and where it has brought him. It’s hard to make friends with NFL players, especially as a complete outsider, he admits. Rosters turn over rapidly. Some cliques have been in place since high school when many professional players remember playing against each other.

But returning would be like admitting he needs the coddling of a parent. France doesn’t get the external attention that mounts pressure and creates prestige.

“Because really a game of football is just four quarters,” Dablé says. “What’s happening is advertisements and a show — before the game, the tailgate, and all the family comes and they have a barbecue together — that dynamic that brings the game of football has to happen in France so that it can grow.

“Because even in France, it’s not called football it’s called American football, so people know it’s American. That’s not our sport.”

The French don’t genuflect. John McKeon, a former NC State offensive guard, played in La Courneuve after a stint with the Helsinki Roosters in Finland. He thought he had a chance to make the NFL as a 38-game starter who had helped protect Philip Rivers. When he didn’t stick, he said “oh shit” and went abroad. McKeon had NFL size, but his new teammates stood up to him.

“A lot of these guys are paying to play, they come in after work, after they’ve had a long day at work, they’re tired,” McKeon says. “There was this defensive end who I think played Division II or Division III ball here in the U.S., but he was a French citizen. … He comes in right off that bat, head down, trying to take out the new American kid, who they’re paying to be here.”

McKeon now runs American Football International, a website chronicling American football as it is played outside the United States. Joining the Flash allowed him to go to places like Moscow, Barcelona, and Vienna. Culturally, it felt more like football as he wanted it to be.

“It’s that community aspect — ‘I’ve played next to this guy for five, 10 years,’” McKeon says. “We love the game, we love each other, it’s not because I’m getting paid a lot of money. And that kind of goes back to why I fell in love with football. I was disenfranchised with college.

“College is not a friendly sport. College is a professional sport.”

Formal American football has existed in France for more than 30 years now, despite its barriers to entry. Few major sports are as unintuitive, or require so much space, expensive equipment, and bodies. Marc-Angelo Soumah remembers when teammates used to play in motorcycle helmets. “[We] didn’t know much about the game, but we had a lot of enthusiasm,” he says.

Soumah was a Flash player in the 90s before joining Browns training camp as a 29-year-old wide receiver in 2003. He later became president of the Fédération française de football américain (FFFA) and is now head coach of the second-division Fontenay-sous-Bois Météores. He once had to work an entire summer so he could buy his own equipment. Back then there was just one supplier called Trocasport, and cleats, a helmet, and a full set of pads could cost $2,000 in French francs.

American football was too expensive to be played on a whim back then. Today, newcomers to American football can afford to play more casually. Xavier Mas, head coach of the two-time defending French champion Saint-Ouen-l’Aumône Cougars, has noticed that his under-19 players seem to have different motivations than he did.

“Some of these kids, they only have two practices, and they are like asking for, ‘Do you have this type of glove?’“ Mas says. “And I’m like, ‘Dude, you don’t even know how to play football and you’re already talking about how you will look on the field?’

“I’m trying to find a football player and not a model.”

The clubs do a good job of managing themselves, but they lack strong central organization. The FFFA doesn’t have the resources to do much more than sponsor the teams in France. The most equipped organization in Europe, the International Federation of American Football (IFAF), is a farce of leadership disputes and dysfunction, exemplified by the 2015 IFAF World Championship.

In France, club-level caretakers like Lacam-Caron, Sirouet, and Mas are the most competent drivers of the sport’s development. They are first-generation football players, so their stake is personal. They are inclined to protect what they feel is best about American football, even if it means neglecting attention and profitability.

The word “American” in the name of the sport works against it. The French are notoriously wary of anything they think might impinge on their cultural identity. The government has been trying to beat back marauding vacationers for decades, and has resisted the English language’s global takeover. Media coverage of American football largely centers on head trauma and domestic abuse scandals.

French football clubs have agreed on a few small gestures to distinguish themselves. There’s a reason the name of the France’s championship game — Le Casque de Diamant, the diamond helmet — is not a “bowl.”

“I am French,” Soumah explained in a 2015 interview. “For me, if I call it a ‘Bowl,’ I’m going to have the impression of copying the Americans. A French name shows that it is appropriate [for France].”

The growth of the sport would accelerate if international players started popping up in the NFL — say, if Dablé or Vikings receiver Moritz Boehringer from Germany became American football’s Tony Parker and Dirk Nowitzki, respectively. The NFL is understandably hesitant to invest in an unstructured system, however, leaving the sport to move at its glacial pace toward mainstream relevance.

“Players are here for passion, because they love the game,” Soumah says. “And that’s the way we play it, for the guys next to them, for their coaches.

“You know Bill Belichick, ‘Do your job?’ That will never work in France.”

On Nov. 13, 2015, 130 people died in terrorist attacks around Paris. Three explosions occurred near the Stade de France where an international friendly soccer match was taking place between France and Germany, just four kilometers away from where the Flash de La Courneuve play their home games. Two Flash players worked at the Bataclan, the night club where 89 people were killed. They both called in sick with the flu that night.

La Courneuve doesn’t get many visitors. It has one of the highest rates of violent crime in France, and has become associated with acts of terrorism that have taken place in the last year. Many of the perpetrators had been living in Paris banlieues like La Courneuve. France, like many Western nations, is dealing with a rise in racism and anti-Muslim sentiment.

Lacam-Caron brought his players, many of them Muslim, closer together after the Nov. 13 attacks. Insulated them. The Flash quickly set out trying to get updates from every member of the club to make sure no one had been hurt or victimized. They organized discussions between players, coaches, and the organization’s board to iterate in no uncertain terms that it did not equate “Muslim” with “terrorist.”

“We then refocused on the practice of sport, our social actions, and the organization of [activities] in order to ensure that our members think of something else, and do not fear.” Lacam-Caron says.

La Courneuve as France sees it — and as the world thinks of it, when it thinks of it — is different from how its players and fans know it. The insularity of France’s American football programs has served them well as both a barrier against negativity and a force of communal and personal growth. That incubation means that football in France won’t be big business like the NFL soon, or ever, but it also preserves what’s special about it.

The sport has defined itself in marginal places that are more beautiful and welcoming because football exists in them. The questions of what is “French” football and what can “French” football become assume there isn’t an answer already.

“Very quickly, we understood we have a role on the society, we were the connection, we were an example, and we can do something,” Lacam-Caron says. “We had a mission. And the sport was a secondary goal for us.”

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[horansqueen]

AM Conversations : chapter 16

A Niall Horan fanfiction ; rated MA

CHAPTER 1 || CHAPTER 2 || CHAPTER 3 || CHAPTER 4 || CHAPTER 5 || CHAPTER 6 || CHAPTER 7 || CHAPTER 8 || CHAPTER 9 || CHAPTER 10 || CHAPTER 11 || CHAPTER 12 || CHAPTER 13 || CHAPTER 14 || CHAPTER 15

NOTES:

-one chapter is her pov, the next is his. -3.9k. -im sorry, i never proofread, i hate it. -there WILL be smut. but not only smut. -this is a romance, comedy, smut story. -for the summary, check my MASTERLIST.

- IF YOU WANT TO BE NOTIFIED WHEN THIS IS UPDATED, I THOUGHT I COULD START A TAG LIST SO LET ME KNOW. IF YOU’D RATHER BE NOTICED IN PRIVATE, MESSAGE ME TOO PLEASE!

- more smut to cum

- i’m having a hard time finding 2015 Niall gifs so i may add 2016 gifs instead. if you want to propose me any PLEASE message me. youll make my day!

- thank you so much for all the asks i get. you guys make me so happy. i cant even explain. thank you forever. i love you!!!

- the ending sucks? im sorry

-please, message me, give me feedbacks, it would mean sooo much to me!

Chapter 16 : His chapter

NIALL

I tried to enjoy the afternoon with everyone but I couldn't pretend that I didn't mind that Liv was not there with me. After all, I decided to accept Harry's invitation this weekend to spend time with her and I was a bit annoyed that I was stuck with other people. I swam a bit but ended up mostly checking stuff on my phone and trying not to interact with people too much but I couldn't ignore them forever, especially not Maya who had tried to catch my attention all day.

I felt her sit on a chair next to me and it reminded me of when we were all around the fire a few nights ago. I could still remember her hand on my thigh and It made me swallow hard. I could feel her eyes on me and after a while, I couldn't resist and looked up, sending her a small but uncomfortable smile before looking back at my phone.

"I know you're avoiding me, Niall." she just admitted with a sigh, making me close my eyes. "I'm not sure why, though. I mean, you kissed me yesterday.. Is it wrong of me to think you may like me?"

I remained motionless for a few seconds, not really sure of what to answer her. I had no idea why I had kissed her but somehow, I regretted it. I knew doing something like that with her was going to make everything messier and that was why I had decided not to do anything in the first place. Now, it was too late and I knew blaming it on alcohol was just plain wrong, even if it was tempting.

I breathed in and turned to look at her, the expression on her face making me feel extremely guilty. Did I like Maya? No, I really didn't think so, and I was not sure why. She was physically everything I would have dreamed of, and had a great personality too, but I just didn't feel it at all. I remember wanting to shag her a few years ago but now I just didn't care. It made no sense and I didn't even want to try and understand my own feelings.

"Honestly, Maya." I sighed and shook my head slightly. "I'm just not ready for a relationship. Actually, I don't want a relationship."

I saw her face change and I could read sadness on her traits. I was a fucking asshole and also an idiot.

"I'm sorry, yesterday was just... a spur of the moment." I explained, moving my face closer to her and talking in a low and gentle tone. "Maybe I shouldn't have, but at that moment I really wanted it, but I don't think I want things to go further, you know?"

I noticed how disappointed she was and perhaps even heartbroken. I didn't know she liked me that much and it surprised me but there was nothing else I could do. I knew if I kept talking I would probably make things worse so I just reached out to grab her hand and squeezed it a bit, sending her a sad smile.

"Are you okay?"

I expected her to take her hand back but she just squeezed it too, putting her other hand over mine.

"No, I mean yes." she expressed, closing her eyes for a few seconds and chuckling low. "I mean, if you change your mind..."

I opened my lips to answer her but suddenly received a beach ball on my head, making me groan as I turned around. Gemma was laughing and Louis just shrugged as an apology, his eyes open wide. He looked amused and I just rolled my eyes.

"Clearly you suck at this game Tommo!" I yelled loud enough for him to hear when I noticed they were playing volleyball. "The girls are winning!"

"They beat us in numbers, that's why we're losing!" Liam argued, making me laugh again.

"Yea you tell yourself that, Liam!" I let out with a laugh.

"Why don't you show us your skills then, Neil?"

I hesitated a few seconds but finally got up, taking my shirt off and throwing it over my phone before running to them and joining the guys' team. We played for about an hour but lost against the girls and when we all walked back to the cars, I was exhausted. It made me realize I hadn't thought about my best friend in a while and just that simple idea made my heart skip a beat. She probably wasn't thinking about me either, most likely too busy to make out with Harry and I grimaced at that thought. I felt like i'd never be at ease with their relationship and it bugged me.

I noticed Maya decided to ride with Louis and it made me frown but at the same time, it was a relief. I didn't know how to act around her anymore and I was scared I had been a bit rough with her. After all, I did send her a few mixed signals and it was wrong of me, but it was better to be honest now than to make her believe something could happen between us.

"It's early, d'you think Harry and Liv are done doing it or should we just go grab a bite to give them more time?"

My head moved up to fast I almost heard my neck crack and I stared at Louis as he unlocked the door of his car to let people in.

"They're not... doing... anything." I pointed out with an annoyed chuckle, raising one of my shoulders up. "What are you on?"

"Oh Neil, you poor poor naive boy." Louis said with a laugh, shaking his head and putting his hand on my shoulder. "They've been postponing this shit for so long, don't you think they want to have some fun now?"

I frowned more, my eyes roaming on his face as he smiled more.

"If he touched her i'm gonna kill him." I just replied without thinking, making Louis chuckle.

"That's not really your business, Niall, is it now?"

My facial expression changed but I tried to keep the anger in. I was tired to hear that it was none of my business and that I was not allowed to protect and care for Liv. She was my best friends and that's what best friends do. I wanted to tell him to keep his opinions to himself but I swallowed my words, the feeling extremely unpleasant. Louis took a step closer and looked behind himself to make sure everyone was in the car before turning back to look in my eyes.

"If you want to be more than friends with her, you need to do it now, or it may be too late." he pointed out in a low tone, raising his eyebrows at me.

"I have no idea what the f-" I started, taking a step back, as he gripped my shoulder harder.

"Shut up." he cut me. "That little competition you've got going on with Harry? It's getting annoying, and it's about Olivia. The sooner you open your eyes the better, so we don't have to witness it anymore, okay?"

Without giving me the chance to answer, he turned around and sat in his car, closing the door roughly. I stood there for a few more seconds and finally pushed all the air out of my lungs before walking around my car and sitting behind the wheel. I would have laughed at his words if I hadn't been so fucking pissed. Everyone around me was going fucking insane, and Louis was just the worst of them all.

Maybe the way I cared about her could pass as more than friendship but they all knew how close Liv and I were and I couldn't understand why suddenly, it meant something else. Nothing had changed between us except maybe the fear of losing the other but that didn't mean we had feelings for each other.

I drove the whole way back to the lodge in silence, trying to respect the speed limits, even if I was impatient to get back there, if only to know if Louis was right. Now that he was mentioning it, they were always flirty around each other and it made something stir in my stomach. I remembered the way they danced at the club or the things they said when we played truth or dare. Why didn't I notice that before? It seemed so obvious now that that's what Harry had in mind when he asked me to spend time with Liv alone and I slapped myself mentally for being so oblivious to his intentions.

My seat belt was undone as soon as I parked the car and I quickly grabbed my stuff to walk back inside fast. I was still mad and I really didn't feel like talking with anyone so when I rushed to my room, I didn't think to knock. If catching my best friend masturbating wasn't enough, finding her naked under one of my bandmates would certainly do the trick from now on.

Liv let out a short high-pitched scream while Harry muttered a curse word, pushing his body over hers to hide her from my eyes. His reaction brought back the anger inside me and I held my breath as my eyes found Liv's. She immediately closed them as I remained motionless, facing the bed. I couldn't think of any worse scenario than this exact one.

"Niall, could you please just fucking leave?" Harry asked, glaring at me.

"You're fucking my best friend! I'm not leaving!"

The words escaped my lips and my heart skipped a beat. It didn't make any sense but at the same time, it did to me.

"We're not having sex, we were just making out." Liv explained in a soft voice, her eyes still shut tight.

"You're bloody naked!" I mentioned, my face twisting into an upset grimace. "You guys have been dating for like, two minutes!"

"That's none of your business, Niall, now leave." I heard Harry say, making me even angrier.

"You, you don't tell me what to do!" I let out meanly, taking a step closer and pointing a finger at him.

"NIALL! LEAVE!"

The room became quiet and my eyes met Olivia's as my lips parted in surprise. I let my arm fall back on my side, my heart beating hard in my chest as I tried to remember if my best friend even yelled at me before. I couldn't really blame her. I was, in fact, yelling at the guy she liked while she waited naked under him, but I was still shocked by her words. I remained motionless, just staring at her for a while, until she swallowed hard, closing her eyes again.

"Please, Nee, leave." she repeated in a low tone this time.

It took me about a minute to turn around and leave, shutting the door so hard behind myself that the frame shook slightly. I passed my hand in my hair, pulling on it hard and roughly, as I paced in the hall. I didn't know how to let go of that insanely painful and annoying feeling inside of me and I groaned low, closing my eyes hard, trying to get rid of the image of Harry on top of my best friend.

I don't know how long it took but it seemed to take forever until the door opened again. Harry stopped in front of me and we stared at each other until he shook his head a few times.

"What?" I let out a bit too loud, raising my hands up. "You're mad at me because you didn't have time to shag her?"

"I'm mad because you hurt her and she's sad." he let out slowly and in a low tone, making sure I heard every word. "I'm mad because she asked me to leave and I can't comfort her, she won't let me be there for her and yes Niall, I blame you."

He just moved past me, hitting my shoulder with his arm lightly as he left but I didn't budge.

"If you loved her, you should have told me when I asked you." he added as he reached his room. "Now it's too late."

I held my breath until I heard his door close and took a few steps, pushing on the ajar door of the room I shared with Liv. I was surprised to see her walk quickly around in the dark, wearing Harry's shirt. The sight made me cringe but I just shoved my hands on my pockets.

"What the FUCK are you doing?" I asked, my eyes following her as she grabbed stuff around the room.

"I'm leaving!" she just let out, not even looking at me.

"Leaving? From here? Or just from this room?"

She didn't answer but sniffed and that's when I noticed she was crying. I felt my heart break in my chest and most of my anger vanished. Seeing Olivia sad was the worst thing in the fucking world. I could have told her to leave. I could have told her to go see Harry if that's what she fucking wanted. But she was crying and it made me want to take her in my arms instead. She ended up on her knees, sobbing even more, and I knew that if she was shamelessly crying like that in front of me, it meant she couldn't control it. I sighed and put myself in front of her, getting on my knees too. They brushed against the carpet and I winced a bit at the pain in my left one, making me realize I shouldn't have played volleyball for so long.

"Please, petal, i'm so sorry."

Cautiously, I reached for her shoulders with both my hands, expecting her to push me away but instead, she just collapsed in my arms, her head leaning against my upper arm. I held her closer and tighter, burying my face in her hair and smelling the same thing I had noticed a few days ago. I inhaled deeply, the scent of vanilla invading me, and pressed her body against mine the best I could. It was ridiculous. I was ridiculous, and I was not even sure why she was crying. All I knew is that I wanted her to stop being sad.

"I'm so sorry." I repeated just as low. "I really shouldn't have. Fuck. I don't know why I got so pissed I just.. I just don't want him to take advantage of you."

I held her close a few more minutes and she wiped her tears on my shirt, looking up in my eyes. I brought both my hands to her face and cupped her cheeks, running my thumbs under her eyes to remove what was left of her sadness. My gaze traveled on her face, noticing how heartbroken she looked, and my lips parted slightly at how close we were.

"He was... he was not. I wanted this." she murmured.

I couldn't understand myself anymore. I didn't know what was happening to me, or what I wanted. All I knew was that I was losing her and that no matter what I did, nothing seemed to go back the way it used to be.

"I don't deserve it but please, forgive me." I breathed out, watching her eyes flutter close and open again, my face still only a few inches away from hers. "I'm gonna leave you two alone now, okay? I'll let you do whatever you want without a comment and without butting in."

She closed her eyes and I felt her shake a bit, aware that she was near sobbing.

"Hey, hey, Liv..." I tried to get her attention back. "I promise. Just... look, i'm so fucking scared to lose you."

I thought i'd regret my words but as soon as they escaped my lips, I felt an incredible relief wash over me but still held my breath. I could feel my heart beat against my rib cage but her eyes opened and she shook her head lightly.

"You'll never lose me, Niall." she pointed out, swallowing hard. "I feel like you're always so close to leave. I'm scared you'll realize that I'm nothing compared to the people you hang out with and you'll just drop me."

Her voice was low and weak and her words shook me in a way I didn't expect. How could she ever think something so bad coming from me? How could she ever think so low of herself?

"If anything, you're too good for me." I whispered, running one of my thumbs on her lips. "You're my best friend and I love you, okay? I'll always love you."

Her eyes got slightly bigger when I moved closer for a few seconds but I finally moved back and licked my lips, still cupping her face.

"You understand?" I asked, raising my eyebrows as she nodded slowly. "Okay."

I loosened the grip I had on her cheeks and she sat up, closing her eyes. I felt like shit for how I was acting around her and even if I couldn't shake the bad feeling I had about Harry and her, I knew I had to keep it to myself from now on, even if it would be tough.

"Please, stay."

She didn't look at me at all. She just got up, leaving her stuff on the floor, and walked to the bed to sit on it. I got up too and sighed, biting my bottom lip as I looked at her.

"Are you hungry?" I just asked, shoving my hands in my pockets again.

"Yea, give me a few minutes, I'll dress up and meet you in the kitchen." she said after clearing her throat. I nodded and turned on my heel but stopped again when I heard her voice. "You should go talk to Harry."

I shut my eyes tight, grabbing the inside of my pockets tight as I breathed in. I knew she was right, but there was nothing I wanted less than to go talk to him. Still, I had to do it for her.

"Okay."

I closed the door behind myself and quickly walked to Harry's room, knocking on the door. It swung open after only a few seconds and when I saw his smile fall down, I realized he had hoped for Liv, and not for me.

"Harry, I just wanted to say that i'm sorry." I quickly let out, one of my hands still twisting the fabric of the inside of one of my pockets. "That won't happen again."

His face softened slightly but I could tell he was still pissed at me. We remained silent for about a minute and I just nodded a few times, turning around to leave.

"Why?"

His question made me frown and I turned around to look at him again, shrugging.

"Why what?"

"Why didn't you just tell me that you loved her?" he questioned me, taking a step closer to me and leaning against the door frame.

"Because I don't." I rolled my eyes. "What's wrong with you guys? Liv and I have always been close, it's nothing new."

"No, things have changed." he argued again. "You never cared about who she dated before."

He was right, but I couldn't tell him that I knew him and that I was scared he'd break her heart. I couldn't tell him that seeing them together gave me a wrong vibe. I couldn't tell him I felt like I'd be the one who'd have to mend the pieces of her heart after he breaks it. So I just shrugged and raised my eyebrows.

"I've always been protective of her."

"That's very close to being possessive. You should know that."

I grimaced at his accusation but swallowed a bitter remark.

"Well that's over." I just explained. "I promise this won't happen again. By the way, it's dinner. I think Louis bought food on his way back."

When I walked down the hall, I heard some whispers and everyone was sitting at the table when I entered the kitchen. It was so obvious that they all had been listening that I suddenly felt nauseous. I took a seat as everyone started taking food from the bags Louis had placed on the table. He had decided on chinese and it made me take a mental note to hit the gym as soon as this crazy weekend would be over. I realized a bit too late that I was sitting next to Maya but I decided to not overthink it.

I tried not to stare when Liv and Harry entered the room too but noticed Louis sending them a smirk. They both sat next to each other but on the other side of the table and I bit my tongue hard enough to make sure I didn't make any comment about it. Was I annoyed that my best friend wasn't sitting by my side? Yes. But after the tantrum I had just thrown, I knew I should lay really fucking low.

We all started eating but for some reason, I didn't feel like talking with anyone. I didn't add anything or even laugh when Louis made a few comments about Liv and Harry spending the whole day alone together in the house. I focused on eating what was in my plate quickly and when I was done, I brought my dishes to the counter and got out of the room, letting myself fall on one of the couches with a loud sigh.

I only had a few minutes of alone time when I realized Maya had joined me, taking a seat next to me but not close enough to touch me. I looked up at her and blinked a few times as she sent me a sorry look.

"We sort of heard." she confessed, nibbling her bottom lip as my gaze dropped to my lap.

"Yea, I sort of guessed."

"I know you just want us to be friends but I want you to know that, if you need me, I'm always here."

I felt defeated and I didn't know why. I felt a lot of things these days that I just didn't understand. Olivia and I had talked, and we both made it clear that we would never leave each other. Then why did I still feel like shit? Why did I feel like a truck had ran over my heart until it stopped beating? Why the FUCK did I feel like I had lost?

"I don't know what I want anymore, Maya." I sighed, closing my eyes and passing one of my hands in my hair.

"What does that mean?"

I stayed motionless for a few seconds and finally opened my eyes, sighing again. I shrugged and looked up before diving my gaze into hers. She was gorgeous and kind. Smart and sexy. She was literally everything i've always dreamed of.

"It means i'm not making promises, but I guess we could try. We could go on a date, maybe?"

I saw surprise light up her face and her lips parted, making me chuckle sadly. I was not sure I was doing the right thing but at this point, I was not sure of anything. Perhaps, finding myself someone to be with would make all of this easier. Maybe I wouldn't be so angry anymore when I'd see Harry with my best friend.

"If you're still interested, of course."