#of course i had to give most of my money to my mom for rent

[miss--river]

idk what i should buy for lunch and dinner for the next 2 weeks. i have a little over $60 rn. maybe i'll just get lots of bread and lunch meat and just make sandwiches.

[backwzzds]

ೃ⁀➷ spoil you, plug!eren

eren hated when you spent your own money, but you don’t listen.

thinking about the way plug!eren would take you on his drops with him. you were so quiet and in your own world, he never minded the fact that you had your freshly white painted toes resting against the dash of his mercedes AMG coupe. the entire car was blacked out with expensive ceramic tints, protecting you both from your usual…late night activities.

your glasses rested on the cute bridge of your nose as your left leg was sat in eren’s lap while your right rested against the dashboard. eren was lucky that he fucked with most of his customers heavy…you two had been waiting for the dude to meet y’all for nearly thirty minutes now, and had it been someone else, eren would have sped away long time ago.

eren comfortingly rubbed your baby soft feet in the grasp of his tattooed hand, one with beautiful realism art of your own eye. with a turn of his head, he could see you practically nose deep in the bright screen of your phone illuminating through the car. “you growing bored mama?” his voice is concerned. “ian think we was gonna be waiting this long on dude…my bad baby.”

you hadn’t said much since you’d gotten in the car, just wanting to hurry and add all of your things to your shopping cart on the skims website. “nah, ‘m just…trying…to do somethin’ real quick,” you bite your lip as you tap away on your phone. you were trying to add as many things to your cart before it was gone. “before this shit sell out.”

eren being the nosy boy he is leans against your shoulder to see what you were doing. but the moment he’d seen you type in numbers that belonged to what he knew as your own debit card, he kissed his teeth in annoyance. “man how many times i gotta tell you to stop using your card to go shopping bae?” you roll your eyes at his words. “i’m serious, you got all three of my cards on ya phone for a reason. fuck is you typing in your info for?”

don’t get him wrong, eren loved the fact that you were independent and knew how to handle money almost perfectly now that you were in your twenties. but being together with you for so long, he continued to step up with his provider capabilities by always taking care of you. whether it was paying your bills, rent—everything in between.

but of course it was a struggle when ms. i can do it all by myself meets mr. i know you can but let me do it for you

“because i’m spending like 600 dollars,” you point out to his previous question with an obvious scoff. “i’m not asking you for that.” eren mirrors your actions and rolls his eyes again.

eren looks at you as if you’re insane and suffered memory loss for the past four years you’ve been together. “babe…i make that shit in one night. actually—fuck a night—i make that shit in two hours!”

it wasn’t like he was lying either, with the way that eren was one of the only trusted plugs in town, it was very easy that he’d bring at least a band a night on a consistent basis. selling for almost six years was finally paying off.

you two hardly ever fought, but if you did, it was always about money. eren knew how long you’ve had to do things on your own physically and financially. you couldn’t go to your mom for help, you didn’t have a dad to beg, so it was all on you since you’d been 16. but now that he had eren, he’d just wish you’d let him take the burden of money of your shoulders and take care of you the way you take care of him.

after a few minutes, your boyfriend holds his hand out. you give him crazy eyes, but eventually follow orders by putting your phone in his hand. “don’t know how many times i gotta tell yo stubborn ass, forreal,” he grunted. “‘s never a problem spoiling my baby. you don’t ever ask me for nothing. let me feel useful and get you stuff, mama.”

with a sigh, you nod your head, like you always did. there was no way eren was gonna take no for an answer when it came to spoiling his wife.

in response, eren uses his free hand to delete your information and instead place the correct numbers—the information to his amex black card. all the money he has, he sits and does nothing with it, so why not buy you all the things you’ve never had before?

when you hear the chime of your phone confirming your order, eren hands you the phone back and goes to look out his dark window.

with your acrylics, you grab eren by the neck and slowly turn him back to face you. “thanks papa,” you gave him genuine eyes.

eren leans forward and pecks your lips. with a serious face, he pecks you one more time before wrapping his tatted fingers around your neck erotically. with a look in your eyes he tells you, “always tell me what you want, no matter how much, mama. you know daddy gonna get that shit for you one way or another, regardless.”

[eblu3]

alright I need to explain what the hell has been happening here because I don't think anyone here really understands how bad it's been. here's a timeline:

late 2022: I'm still living in my childhood home with my dad, trying to ease myself into being an adult at a pace that I'm comfortable with, still working my part-time remote job. he falls head over heels for a girl from tampa.

november 2022: dad informs me that he's looking to move to tampa to marry his new gf. this means that I have to move out. I immediately get flustered because I am not enough of a 21 year old to understand how to move into a place yet so it gets backburnered.

january 2023: after a grand total of a single night looking at apartments, dad pulls the trigger for me without asking and signs me up for a $2,000/mo luxury apartment with my brother as my roommate and him as a financial benefactor, hiring movers along the way. my head spins as I realize that I have until the beginning of february to get everything set up. I somehow manage to do it.

february 2023: I move into the apartment. noise issues abound but I get used to them as much as I could. my brother still doesn't have a job, I occasionally poke him to get one because I can't foot 2 grand on top of bills and groceries by myself and dad will only help so much.

march-june 2023: I'm trying. my brother gets a job at a fast food place because everyone's pressuring him to get something and quits after a week because he hates it, yet he still takes the car while I'm not looking and occasionally doordashes. I turn 22, my bike that I've been meaning to learn how to ride gets stolen the same day due to neglect. dad decides to, with the financial support from his new wife, send me all the money that he had been planning to give me over the course of the year so his financial support is out of the picture. my work still won't bring me on full time. my brother eventually gets moved into mom's place because I'm fed up with his antics, but I'm not informed about it until it happens so I don't get any say in the matter or time to prepare. I am officially on borrowed time but shove it to the back of my mind because I am overwhelmed.

september 2023: I am officially out of money and can't pay the rent. I have nowhere else to go except for my mom's house outside of orlando, where she had moved for work earlier that year. I begrudgingly put myself into debt to greystar and let dad pack as much of my stuff as he could into a small u-haul and I move into her place.

october 2023: it's cramped. I am living in a three bedroom household with five people in it. the only space I have to myself is a queen-sized mattress in a room with my brother. I am still paranoid about people looking over my shoulder while I'm doing things so I don't use my computer at all. everyone keeps taking both of the cars and I have no public transit or walkability available to me so I'm essentially trapped in a single-family subdivision most of the time. I pretty much just shut down at this point, only doing the bare minimum to survive. when dad and his wife find out that the landlord is mad at my mom, they quickly move to move me out and into their place where I can hopefully recover.

november 2023: I move to dad's place outside of tampa where I hopefully have a bit more breathing room. it's a struggle to get used to grocery shopping for myself again. it's okay but my trauma responses keep getting triggered by him so it's decided that I need to move out again. my mom, who had recently moved out again to arkansas for work and broken up with my annoyingly conservative stepdad, is struggling to pay the rent, so I end up moving there again. I cross my fingers that this will be the last time in a while, I simply need the time to recover at this point.

december 2023: I move there. I pay half of my salary from my job which still hasn't done anything for me to mom, hopeful that I can just lay low and recover because I am fully out of steam at that point. she's still struggling financially but I don't see how anything could possibly get worse.

january 2024: I decide to ring in the new year by trying to be true to myself. I annoy everyone by constantly posting about a single pokemon I like because I simply have no idea how to control a behavior that I've never really engaged in before.

march 2024: I manage to destroy nearly every friendship I have because I use really crap judgment and choose my words extremely poorly, insulting everyone. I am distraught but force myself to engage in a community that had freaked me out prior because I had nowhere else to go. nothing has changed financially at all for me.

june 2024: mom announces that she is at risk of getting fired and that we need to move into a cheaper place ASAP. my job puts me on performance improvement because my stress and anxiety tank my ability to sleep and work. I apply to a new one, referred to by my mom's new boyfriend, as a hail mary. I get sent into a mental tailspin and try to use the upcoming art fight event as a distraction.

july 2024: I try. I get an interview but it doesn't pan out. mom finds an apartment to get waitlisted on, I'm expected to be the guy that owns it. I am just fully burnt out at this point and people are leaving me again because my stress and depression are boiling over and causing me to wallow in perpetual negativity and touch starvation. not sure what to do next. I write this post.

so uh, if you're wondering why I'm a mess, there you go

[bellybiologist]

TLDR: Verzi Need Money. Here Link for Helping Fill Money Bar with Money Juice. -Ko-fi -Commission form (Open again! Note the price increase!) -Patreon -Paypal.me

Okay! Verzi need money. So! Here's this.

This shitty meter here is just for a bit of transparency (Graphic design is NOT my passion), cuz people like to know where there money is going. This will fill up as with funds from my patreon (money I got this month is already there!), from commissions, and from any tips/extras given by kind souls in passing, and I need to hit these marks EVERY month for like… a year. (This is after fees and such of course, cuz god forbid we don't pay the middle-men their dues.)

I will update this thing as time passes so ya'll will know where I'm at. Reblogging/Sharing is welcome, encouraged, and greatly appreciated!

A bit of info for each section under the Readmore:

-Rent and Bills: The Most Important thing to Keep Verzi Kickin'! I pay half my apartment's now $1368 rent PLUS the utilities, which range from 100~200 bucks, splitting with my aunt who works 2 jobs to make sure she pays her half. Since my mom passed away from Pancreatic cancer in 2021, this has been rough since it used to be split 3 ways.

-Dental Costs: The face bone doctors want my money after drilling holes and pulling out the insides!! My face actually feels BETTER so i'm not as mad as I COULD be about this, but this needs to be paid for the next 12 months. (And they want MORE money to do a cleaning and I almost laughed. Like, no buddy you ain't getting 750 out of me when I don't even have a refrigerator.(See Below))

-Big Purchase+Credit Card bills: It wont pay off ALL my credit card debt, but it keeps me from falling behind. Since the passing of Michael and Fred (my microwave and refrigerator respectively) I need to make some big purchases so my kitchen functions. Michael has been successfully replaced by Mikaela, and we are still looking for Fred's replacement. Ms. Frida, the chest freezer who is literally older than I am (I am 33!!) and STILL functions is holding down the fort while we look for a refrigerator. We can live without a fridge thanks to her constant service, allowing us to keep frozens. Also, like, literally on the 30th of July, Monty the Monitor must've succumbed to heatstroke so i had to buy one of THOSE too for my computer setup. I will name all my appliances to cope.

-Extra+Taxes: Once we get here, I'm in the clear for the month's expenses! However!! Taxes are due in October. I DO NOT know how much that will be, and since the whole Covid relief thing that lessened business taxes ended last year, I MAY be paying for quite a bit!! Anything past this point will be prepping for Taxes AND forming a buffer for More Happenings (God forbid).

===== Rewards??? Rewards!! =====

I considered a Drive like other kink artists in these circles, but I don't like drives for several reasons and those reasons are why I've never done one in the past. Despite that, I STILL want to do something that at least feels like a reward or incentive for people keeping me Alive™, so I'm going to do some simple doodles/sketches, and possibly try to stream those doodles in my discord!

Every 100 bucks past the "Rent and Bills Paid" section (meaning at 900 dollars and onward), I will do a RANDOM drawing from any requests/suggestions from the pool made by people who threw some cash monies my way!

Suggestions can be sent in through Ko-fi messages, Paypal notes accompanying payments/donations/tips, and a Patreon-only post (they are always giving me money, so patrons have access by default!). Commissioners who send in the form can ALSO suggest something for the pool if they like! (there's a question on the form for it) Now, like all requests, it's ultimately up to my discretion on whether or not I will draw something, but I will still try to keep it random and let it be a roll of the dice (or a RNG app).

There is no minimum requirement either! So people throwing only $1 at me, buying only one Ko-fi, or dropping anything bigger are free to offer a suggestion. But please limit requests/suggestions to one entry per person.

Now, as to what these will and can be:

-It will be a simple lined sketch with one color or flat colors. Depends on how many need doing, how I'm feeling when I draw it and how complicated it is.

-It can be up to 2 characters, but they may be less refined compared to a single character one. They can be the same character in 2 different states, or 2 different characters interacting with each other.

-No private requests please! It will have to be something that can be publicly posted and that you're fine with being perceived by others.

-In terms of kinks/sizes/etc, it will be something that you'd normally see on this blog or for my work! Mileage may vary, but more extreme stuff that I'd normally avoid may be glossed over when I'm constructing the pools.

-Unlike commissions, these will not go through a WIP stage/be modified after the fact! They end up how they end up. If you wanna be nitpicky, please use this opportunity to order a full commission!

-You're allowed to suggest OCs as long as it's yours or its owner has given permission to draw them in the context I am known to put boys in!

[deusexmachinawitch]

Day 12 of my subliminal manifestation journey

Uneventful but hey here’s my full phone reveal with the case and a small musing about my manifestation journey related to a Neville Goddard story.

Received the Kuromi case and all of the Kuromi things for the phone that my Mom sent me. Including that buff Kuromi keychain which I love 😂💜

I can finally use my new phone, I spent most of my day setting it up because tomorrow I have things to do in the morning and I wanted to horrify everyone with my new phone. Everything was supposed to arrive on September 4th but I’m a master manifestor so of course it came earlier.

I still need to finish configuring my new computer but I’ll take it easy. I’m going to be gifted a brand new keyboard soon so I’m happy.

All of this reminds me of the Neville Goddard story of the hat.

Ann was a member of the world’s oldest profession, that of being a lady of the evening. She often came to my meetings, but this day we met on the corner of Broadway and 72nd Street, where she told me this story. One day, while walking by a hat shop, she fell in love with a beautiful hat in its window with a price tag indicating a cost of $17.50. Wanting it so much, she decided to apply this principle, so in her imagination she placed the hat on her head, and as she walked up Broadway she felt the hat on her head. She would not look in a store window and be disillusioned, and when she arrived home she imagined taking off the hat and placing it on the top shelf before looking in the mirror.

Ten days later a friend called and invited her to lunch. When she arrived, the friend handed her a hat box, saying: “I don’t know what possessed me, but I bought this hat and when I brought it home I realized I had made a mistake. I do not like it on me but I think it would look lovely on you, Ann.” Opening the box she reached in and brought out – not a hat, but the hat.

Then Ann said to me: “Why didn’t God give me the money to buy the hat, instead of giving it to me through a friend?” I asked her if she felt obligated to her friend, and when she shook her head, No, I asked how much she usually paid for a hat. When she told me $4 or $5, I asked if she had ever purchased a $17 hat before. Again the answer was No, and when she admitted to owing two weeks’ rent, I said: “If while admiring the hat you found a hundred dollar bill on the sidewalk, would you have bought the hat? I’ll answer for you, no you would not.

You would have paid your rent and perhaps bought some groceries, but you would not have purchased the hat. Tell me Ann, how much money must God give you to get you to buy a $17 hat? If he gave you a thousand dollars you wouldn’t have bought it, for you are not in the habit of buying such expensive hats, so God knows best how to give you the hat you desired.

This is so true, I would never have spent that much money on a phone or a computer on my own since I’m the type to keep things until they break even though I do crave for innovation. So the law giving me the fanciest phone through my Mom (who’s a big spender and likes to always be up to date with everything) and then the computer randomly showing up, it just makes sense. The law works somewhat tailored to how you are and makes sense even if some things are “impossible” lol.

But I do admit I had a small spiral moment because of the intrusive thoughts from my OCD. Thinking how I am manifesting everything I want and more but SP was delaying and I hate when that happens. I want the breadcrumbs to be over!

Do you guys want me to talk about my experience manifesting with OCD?

[runningwithfangs]

Vampire Chronicles Book Review/Rant #2

The Vampire Lestat

I think we can all agree, what a turnaround! So completely different from IWTV. I’m not sure what I was expecting, probably something more like a Midnight Sun (Twilight from Edwards’ perspective) or a Slayer Chronicles (to the Vladimir Tod series) Turned out to be more of The Saga of Larten Crepsley (to the CIrque du Freak series)(I was raised by vampire books, apparently).

Anyway, what a ride! About halfway through I was feeling a little frustrated that we hadn’t gotten to when he met Louis yet, but I was also having so much fun reading about this Chaos BisexualTM. So much happens, so many dumb Lestat adventures, Nicki, Lestat’s turning, Gabrielle, Armand and his coven, Marius, Akasha and Enkil, Louis and Claudia, Rockstar music video films, vampires ablaze out of nowhere! 10/10 Romp, I had so much fun reading this.

Lestat is so many things, he’s cheery and determined to brighten the day of those he loves, he’s been beaten and abused by his own family, he hopes and dreams like any young person, yet also deeply fears the meaninglessness of life itself. I can for sure relate. 

I also enjoyed the way it was written, easy and lighthearted, even in darker parts Lestat describes things with humor to mask the pain.

Favorites:

I appreciate when Lestat takes the time to describe the wonders of the modern world, what stands out to him, what doesn’t. He’s blown away by film, excited by women in bare arms, that even poor people could eat meat. In later books he’s so excited by pens that can write forever. Super interesting to think about, and the though experiment of “what would a vampire think of world through the ages” is one of my favorite things about vampire media.

Lestat and Nicki’s relationship is so cute! Their drunken afternoons in “the conversation,” they take turns comforting each other from their familial demands and expectations. They go to Paris and live in a shitty apartment while they work their asses off in the theater trying to pay rent. It’s almost like a CBS sitcom, but like, in a good way. It’s so devastating to me that Vampire Nicki ended up like he did.

Gabrielle, my love! What a queer icon. She cuts her hair, wears men’s clothes, even Lestat gets in on it, trying to find her the manliest jewelry. I think about the freedom female vampires must experience in this series a lot. Gabrielle clearly hated being a mom and wife and living in a crumbling castle. And now she is finally free, freer than any of her wildest fantasies.

When Lestat asks her if she had become a vampire first, wouldn’t she also send money and gifts to the family and keep caring for them, and she’s just like, oh psssh yeah, of course 😂 

Armand/Lestat being worsties.

Marius spending eons hiding Those Who Must Be Kept only to pick up Lestat, go: I like ya kid, you got spunk, let me spill all the vampire secrets. Only for the Most Special BoyTM

When we FINALLY get the 3 whole paragraphs about Louis and Claudia at the end of the book, it’s not enough, but what is there is lovely. “Even in his crudest moments, Louis touched the tenderness in me” “But I loved him, plain and simple” UGH, Anne PLEASE. 

Least Favorites:

Why did Lestat slip his mom the tongue 😭

Not enough Louis 😡 (Little did I know there would only be crumbs of him from then on)

Vampire Nicki 😣 He hated Lestat in the end and then Armand cut his hands off! He deserved better. 

Smutt:

Nicki and Lestat getting drunk and making out at the tavern! Love that for them.

I am NOT counting Lestat/Gabrielle kisses.

If I missed something maybe y’all can let me know.

Nonsense Meter:

Medium nonsense, I think. Especially considering the books to come. 

Lestat flying and SCREAMING at the Theater. Lestat showing up to the catacombs to utterly destroy the cult with facts and logic and “New evil for a new era.” Lestat giving into the intrusive thoughts to kiss Akasha and play her the violin only to nearly get killed by Enkil, and OF COUSE, the whole Rockstar Lestat thing, with the music videos and the song lyrics and the Halloween concert. 

Misc:

It was Marius’s fault for sending Lestat to go live a human life! Thank you/goddamn you.

I am confused by how at the start of the book Lestat is interested in rock, he goes to jam with Satan’s Night out and loves the attention that would come with being a rockstar, but it’s only after he reads IWTV and gets all upset about it that he decides he’s going to get Louis’s attention by becoming a world-famous rockstar. “I ached for him, ached for his romantic illusions [...] his physical presence.” But once Louis does find Lestat, not much happens.

I was so excited for the reunion once Louis find’s Lestat and his band chilling before the concert, would they fight?! Would they make out?! And it was. . .ok, Louis tries to warn Lestat, and they dance around their feelings, and that’s kind of it. Lestat doesn’t even ask about the book!

Then I was excited that Gabrielle (post-concert disaster rescue) got to meet her shit son’s ex-husband! Was she going to be disapproving (no one is good enough for her boy), furious about the release of IWTV, or maybe try to convince them to give up mortal world shenanigans and go climb waterfalls with her? Nope, we got nothing, just wondering if it was Marius setting all the fledglings on fire. Anne . . . I don’t get it.

[swedebeast]

I was not having a good day already today. The kid I am in charge of looking after is the most foul-mouthed, spiteful, obstinate, rude, disrespectful, and disruptive child I have ever seen in my entire life. Nothing I do reaches him, I can make deals and promises to the kid - and he promises to behave and he'll get something out of it like using a chrome book for the last hour of school, but breaks them and then freaks out and acts indignant after being warned what he is doing will null anything fun I had made plans with him.

And on top of all that, the kids thought it was fun to throw pens at me when I have my back turned to them. I even texted the principal that we needed to have a discussion about "my" kid's behaviour.

But hey, the best part was when he smacked a much smaller younger kid on the head when he was roaming around in the hallways, and I told him firmly that this was not okay - as to which he saw it as a challenge and hit ME on the head. As to which I held him by his arms, and raised my voice that I did not find that funny, I do not want to ever see that happen again, and he is going to knock that off.

His regular teacher even walked by, did not say a single thing.

And then, while having dinner at home today, I get a call from the principal that two teachers did not like what they saw I did, and I was asked to stay home for the rest of the week, and the two teachers, the principal, and me will meet up and talk about this.

So yeah. Good times. I try to do my job, and I fully admit I lost my temper, and it feels like such a cowardly measure when every single person I have talked to at this school have either turned down my position, or told me that they could never do what I am doing.

This child understands consequences, but does not choose to take responsibility for his actions. He lies, cheats, is violent to smaller children, and acts as if he will die if he does a single assignment in class, and refuses to believe that good grades = opportunities in adulthood, and he will just play games all day. If he needs to pay rent? He will get a job for a day and then quit. If he needs a car, he'll just steal one. If he can't find a place, he'll just stay with mom.

And of course you don't go to jail for stealing a car, of course not. You just get an ankle bracelet. My coworker, who is in charge of another child with other issues, said he got the better kid, and told me this kid I got will, and I quote, "cost society a lot of money through the years."

It sounds awful to rag on an elementary school student, and it is. And maybe I am ranting, but this is such a shit situation that I was not given any information about this kid or really any genuine expectations until -after- I had signed the contract. And I am just handed this menace, because no one else wants to because they know they can't handle it - and I am treated like a villain for doing the things everyone else knows they would end up doing.

I don't know if it is, but it fucking feels unfair. Maybe I should just give up, let him have one of the chrome books he tries to steal from the classroom and run away, and just let him sit in one of the unused rooms all day and just take easy checks.

If that is all they want, having given up on the kid - and they expect me to do the same? Fine. Whatever. Like the kid realize 10 years later he fucked himself over. I am just so damned mad because he doesn't even realize how badly he is sabotaging himself. It honestly makes me feel bad for the kid, as much as he drives me crazy.

[rhela-xiv]

Actually yeah I am gonna reblog this just so I can tell yall about my dad.

I love my mom so much. We have a lot in common.

But my dad is one of my absolute favorite people and I mean that with all my heart.

Father’s Day was always difficult growing up, because every card is for a dad who’s into cars, or beer, or fishing, or football. My dad is a recovering alcoholic. He got into fishing for a little while, and grilling. He cheered for his dad’s football team and coached my brother’s little league games. He had a motorcycle when I was little.

But my father is, and always has been, a gigantic fucking nerd. And a theater kid. And a writer.

He read comics and played D&D with his friends back when you still got your lunch money stolen for that kind of thing. He was in high school theater with the most luxurious and perfectly styled head of hair you could possibly imagine. He did Rocky Horror Picture Show in LA. He saw the original Star Wars in the theater multiple times, and because he was working at a toy store at the time we still have original, in box, Kenner action figures. I distinctly remember him playing video games when I was little (he had both a Dreamcast and a Genesis). When it was time for bedtime stories, he read to my brother and I. Or rather, he performed for us. All the voices, the sound effects, accents, emotions. Chapter books, every night, without fail.

There was no such thing as too many books, for my dad. Even when my brother and I switched to manga and comics, because those were books, too, with stories just as worthy of being read and discussed. He didn’t shy away from other media, either. Every weekend, for years, we would go to the video stores down the street and rent movies we had never seen before.

My brother went through a samurai phase, and we watched almost every single Kurosawa film. We discovered Cowboy Bebop one weekend, and my dad called half the video stores in town until he found one that had the whole series. We watched cartoons together, from Powepuff Girls and Dexter’s Lab, all the way to Toonami and the Midnight Run. Nothing was “off limits”. We watched The Marx Brothers, and Mel Brooks movies, and South Park, and Team America. He supported my first foray into a fandom space by renting me every single Vin Diesel movie we could find. Multiple times.

My dad introduced me to theatre. We didn’t get many tours where I grew up, so he found film adaptations, or filmed performances. A Chorus Line, Jesus Christ Superstar, Cabaret, Chicago, Sweeney Todd. He took me to see Rent on stage when I was in high school. He has lyrics from Wicked tattooed on his chest. We’ve gone to more live shows together than I can count.

It wasn’t always great. He and my mom separated, and things were bad. And then the divorce finalized and things were really bad. We fought. Constantly. Over everything. I got in trouble. A lot. But my dad was always there. Even when we fought about my (shitty) high school boyfriend and I told him I wanted to stay with my mom for a while. He dropped me off at her house and told me he loved me. I came back a few days later, and he never held it against me.

When I moved out for college, our relationship got better. Distance helped. It’s really hard having two people in the same house struggling with unmedicated depression and anxiety.

When my brother went to college, my dad suddenly had a lot of free time on his hands and he rediscovered his love of video games.

I don’t know what started it. He found Second Life first, but there wasn’t enough space there for him to really create, so he found another virtual space. He built houses. Towns. He built an entire, functioning, virtual film museum. He made friends in virtual spaces, including one very lovely woman who convinced him to give World of Warcraft a try. And he found his people.

These days, we talk every weekend. Sometimes more. We send each other stupid memes (he sends puns and, of course, dad jokes). I played a bit of WoW with him, and he came over to XIV for a while. Ultimately we both returned to our own games, but we can relate to the common MMO experiences. He writes and records a weekly podcast with his now-girlfriend, and he still does all the voices. We info dump about our OCs, and share our stories with each other.

I’m not what you’d call a “daddy’s girl”, but I fucking love my dad. He’s one of the coolest people I know, and I wouldn’t trade him for the world.

Actually I'm curious. The notes will probably be rancid but whatever. Like personally I love my mum but I am my father's son all the way. Like I WILL play favourites and my favourite is my dad. And I'm wondering what the ratio of mother's children to father's children is on this site. I have my suspicions because this is the 'I hate my dad' website, but let's do "science".

[jodilin65]

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 10, 1990 Last night I had a pretty good night with Andy at Denny's, and Andy's got a great possibility of being rehired now that Crosby's gone. I'm not sure if I'll ever be rehired, but I sure could use just 2-3 nights a week so I'm not always so broke and could afford to shop here and there and to go to the beach this summer.

Andy doesn't want to be friends anymore with Fran and Tracy cuz he's just as sick of their lies as I am. They tell lie after lie, and Fran stirs up so much trouble for me and Andy, and Tracy lets him cuz she's so afraid of what this guy Mike, who she claims is the greatest guy, is gonna say or do to Tracy when Fran repeats things Andy or I tell Fran. It's all such petty bullshit. Neither Andy or I need or want any hassles from people who are so screwed up and lie, and Tracy's a major con artist. We don't hate them at all, though, and I'll just continue to be friendly if they call. I can relate to them somewhat, of course, cuz I was once as fucked up as they are, but Andy and I are not gonna put up with any hassles, and we're certainly not gonna keep running round and round in circles with them forever. That's for damn sure.

I'm gonna go get a bite to eat, cuz once again I feel slightly feverish and on the verge of a cold cuz of these extreme temperature changes that never quit.

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 9, 1990 Before I get to the most important things I want to write about, I have some things to say about Fran and Tracy. They are so Goddamn unpredictable! One minute they're all lovey-dovey, then next they're one fucking explosion! A few weeks back, Fran was off his rocker big time, and I mean big time. He could not take the slightest joke or tease. He'd scream at Andy or Tracy or whoever about such petty bullshit. I'm not sure if it had to do with the fact that he was off his medication or just tired, but sure enough, just as things were going pretty well between me, Mom, and Dad, Fran had to go and fuck it all up. He called down there saying I was prank-calling him, and of course, Ma believed him. Andy told good old Dureen all about Fran to defend me, and he also spoke to Tammy. Even so, the bitch wouldn't speak to me for a few weeks, and when I called there she was rude, saying things to Dad in the background, so finally I just took the blame and said it was all my fault to make things easier, but Kacey said I should've never done that and that she'd never do that.

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 5, 1990 Last night I had a blast! I mean, I had the time of my life with Andy and Tracy. First, we went to Denny's and were waited on by Sue and we saw Jayke. A few nights ago we went there too, and saw Bonnie.

Then after that, we went to Nervous's. At first, we were slightly obnoxious, then Tracy got him alone in the bathroom to try to con some money out of him, but it didn't work cuz he has no money right now cuz he just finished paying his rent. He's working now at Feinstein's Leather with a guy named Dick S. I went to school with his daughter Jamie.

So anyway, Tracy's a great con artist. She's from Philly which she has to go back to tonight cuz she has a court case dealing with a woman she conned into giving her her bank card and PIN. Guess she stole a few hundred bucks from her. It took Andy and I a little time to trust her, but we now know for sure she'd never fuck us over. Not the people she really cares about. Only the suckers like Nervous.

While she was in the bathroom with Nervo, me and Andy went through his stuff and Andy re-arranged the pictures on his walls, then stuffed one of them under his loveseat. I wonder if he found it yet. Then, Andy went to open one of his desk drawers and it went crashing to the floor. Nervous came flying out of the bathroom like a bat out of hell and then kicked both me and Andy out saying we broke his drawer which is true. Well, actually, Andy did. I was nowhere near the drawer, but it was so fucking funny! Andy was trying to blame it on Sasha, saying she got scared and jumped under the desk and he was just trying to help her, and I'm thinking to myself, "What a great excuse, M."

So while Tracy was still up talking with Nervo, me and Andy were going through some papers we took in the car, but it was complete junk. I still haven't found anything yet like phone bills with long-distance numbers on them. Only statements to remind him of how much he owes, but he says that by the end of the month, he'll have a phone again, which I won’t believe till I see this happen.

Kacey's home. Bye.

SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 4, 1990 This week Kacey's shift is midnight-8am, and I've been at her place all night after we had a romantic dinner by candlelight of fettuccini noodles, London broil steak, sautéed mushrooms, and baked scallops. Then after that, we took a bath together, also by candlelight.

"For once the romance hasn't been wasted," she said. As mature and as decent as she is, she's had her share of jerks, too. In fact, due to our only getting jerks for so long, we broke up for a few days out of pure fear and shock. We just caught each other totally off guard.

Suddenly, though, all of my fantasies are coming true! Everything I've always wanted to do or the person to be like in my fantasies has come true and is here in this woman! It totally blows my mind. And I am very attracted to her sexually. She's proportioned beautifully, has beautiful hair, does her makeup nicely, and has the attitude, maturity, and stability I've always wanted. My background and music are no problem at all.

She's had some problems with her family too, as a kid, and her two best friends Jules and Cathy, who are lovers, work in a group home for adults. Jules and Cathy look like typical lesbians but seem super nice.

Kacey's the type that you feel so relaxed with and like you can just be your fucking self, she's very understanding of all kinds of people and a great judge of character like I am, but you're out of her life if you fuck her over. She knows I would never do that to her and I feel she'd never do that to me either.

Tomorrow I'll write more and God knows I've got tons of shit to write about which is both good and bad, but mainly good for once. It’s about Andy, Jessie, my family, more about Kacey, and this 38-year-old, wild but funny woman named Tracy. And Fran and Nervous, of course.

[casspurrjoybell-33]

Wreckless - House talk

*Warning Adult Content*

Emmett

I decided to wait until we're heading home on Sunday to ask him about the house.

Houses, I guess, plural.

I messed up by asking him about his tattoo yesterday but honestly I don't know how else to have gone about it.

I needed to know.

Either way it messed with his headspace and while he was big I got a brain dump of things that had probably been on his mind all week.

Longer actually, he mentioned buying a house in Baltimore when I first asked him to stay.

It's a good thing that he wants to put down some roots, I can't complain about that but it feels like too soon.

He has so much going on.

But first, the vacation house needs to be dealt with.

I can't stop him from buying it but...

"Having a second house is a big responsibility, Finnegan. Isn't it easier just to rent whatever you want, when you want?"

He's been on his phone during the drive, probably doing work stuff.

"Easier probably but it would be nice to keep our stuff there."

So he's not even gonna rent it out?

Damn.

"But the upkeep, pool maintenance, just cleaning it? I'd rather pack a bag, darling."

"Maybe but they have folks who handle that stuff. I love it, Emmett."

"I do too but there are dozens of amazing houses. At the very least we should rent out a few of them at different times and make sure that's our favorite. Or if you're set on that one, why don't we see how often we actually get up here? It's not the most fun in the winter and you're so busy."

"Okay, we can put a hold on that one if you really want to."

As soon as he says it I realize that I've won and maybe I should have given him that one so I had some leverage about the Baltimore house but no, that's no way to handle a relationship.

"Thank you."

Now that I think about it, I'm not sure I have any right to have much say.

I don't have to move in with him, of course but he has every right to buy whatever.

I don't know.

We cross over the bridge and I let him look... he's always fascinated by it.. big or little headspace.

I'm just making sure I don't drive over the edge.

There's this irrational fear that I think most people have when there's no margin of error.

It's not windy today, thankfully, so it's no problem and were over in no time.

"You're thinking awfully hard Emmett, what's on your mind?"

"Moving. A house in Baltimore. I like my house, Finnegan."

"So do I, you should keep it. Then if my sister comes to visit and wants to crash you have an escape."

I can't leave it sitting empty, it'll get torn up, down and through.

"Not that simple, Finnegan."

He sighs.

"It is, you just won't let it be. And I get that, I do. You're a big, tough, self-sufficient man and I'm not trying to fuck with that but... I don't know. If we both have houses and want to live together, I'd rather do it in one with a security system and garage. I get that that seems difficult but I'm not asking anything, Emmett. You don't need to pay me a cent if that's what you're worried about. I just want you in our bed when I come home, and dinner sometimes. And lovies."

I'm no June Cleaver... was that her name?

"Maybe you need a wife."

He chuckles and it's the cutest sound.

"I need a husband. Maybe full-time but if you wanna work that's fine, that's your choice. But I'm more than happy to pay for everything, give you a credit card, whatever."

That's a lot to take in... a lot.

My first impulse is to be pissed but really, at what?

That he wants me to live with him?

To take care of him?

To not worry about money?

But still, really?

My wife comment had been a bit of a one-off but it's probably more true than I realized when I said it.

But I think he'd resent me eventually, living off him like that.

Not that I'd quit my job but still, money with us will never be 50/50.

I knew that from the beginning.

My mom didn't work and my father certainly didn't resent her for it.

I just don't know.

"Can you help me figure out where to start house hunting? Which neighborhoods? I'd love to live closer to Tristan but I need to stay down near the factory and have access to DC and it needs to be close to work for you too. I don't know if we're better off near my old place because of the tunnel? I don't really wanna live downtown though, I want a yard and some privacy."

"I can definitely help you find a place, darling."

And I will.

It's the living there thing that's tricky.

Maybe Catonsville will work for him since money isn't an issue.

I stop at Dunks and get us each a treat because this day demands a frozen coffee.

My life could look completely different in a year.

This life, my rowhouse and car and job are all what I built when I got out of the army.

I didn't have anything except what I'd managed to save while enlisted and let me tell you, that wasn't much.

Hazard pay or not, the army doesn't pay a lot.

But I'm just not that guy... I'm not a monkey-suit-wearing, BMW-driving, blue-tooth headset business guy.

I think Peter's house is the fanciest I've ever been in, I'm not part of that world.

I bet Finnegan's parents have a freaking mansion.

I can't imagine having one or ever being comfortable in one.

"Emmett, if it's a problem, I'll just stay with you. If it's that big of a deal to you..."

"It's not."

A problem... it's sort of a big deal.

"You can buy whatever you want, Finnegan, it's the living with you that's tricky."

"Why? You invited me to stay with you and didn't want or expect me to help with the bills. I'm pretty sure I had to force you to take even half what you should be getting. Why is it different if I make the same offer? Because you're the tough top? Just because I like your dick up my ass means I'm incapable of... what? Making more money than you?"

Ouch.

"Why does that statement make you bristle? It just is. You have better hair. I have more ink. You're a better cook and I make more money. Why is it nice when you offer to let me stay but complicated and tricky when I do it?"

He has a good point... several but mostly it's because...

"I already have a house, Finnegan. That's the difference. I can't just leave it empty..." in my neighborhood but that's just more fuel for his fire.

"Valid. So let me get a rental agency to handle renting it out for you. You can keep paying your mortgage and not deal with the tricky stuff. I need to pee."

"Next place I see. I'll think about it, okay? Can I have a week to figure things out?"

"Yep, no rush. Like I said, preferably before winter. Ooh, McDonalds."

Why does it already feel settled?

This boy...

[pashterlengkap]

My mom’s gay best friend was a boisterous, chain-smoking alcoholic. He taught me so much.

When I was kid, my mom’s best male friend was this big, boisterous guy named Lowell who never met a vice he didn’t indulge in. No, seriously. He chain-smoked, and he was always flying off to Vegas to gamble, often winning massive jackpots — which, of course, had me wondering how much money he’d spent to win those jackpots. Whenever we went out to eat, he always ordered steak, as big and as rare as possible. Related: I came out as trans while CEO of my company. My only regret is not doing it sooner. This is who I always was. I’m just living as that person out loud and unhidden.  And man, could this guy drink. Looking back, he was clearly an alcoholic — high-functioning, but an alcoholic nonetheless. Of course, he was an entertaining drunk — the life of the party. He always had everyone in stitches. Get the Daily Brief The news you care about, reported on by the people who care about you: Subscribe to our Newsletter In retrospect, I can also now see that Lowell was almost certainly a closeted gay man, but those were very different times, and that issue never came up with my mom and me. Lowell was a terrible influence on kids. Except, of course, he wasn’t. Once when I was in my early 20s, he told me I was looking very handsome, and I — being my typically self-conscious self — said, “No, I’m not.” And he said, “Don’t do that, Hartinger. You’re young, and you’re only gonna be young once! Enjoy it.” One weekend, my parents threw a big party with a hundred guests, and they asked me to be tend bar. I was eighteen — too young even to legally drink myself — and I’d never made drinks before. But, of course, I had Lowell to teach me. I don’t remember a single drink Lowell taught me to make, but I remember the feeling of confidence he gave me. A dorky, self-conscious kid like me — a bartender! Was it a crime letting an eighteen-year-old mix and serve drinks? I dunno. Things were different back in the 80s. But even at the time, I thought it was pretty interesting that my parents had friends like Lowell. Sure, my mom and dad were straight-laced and socially conservative — and I’ve already written how my mom was really, really high-strung. But I knew my parents were different from most of the ones at my Catholic high school or in our suburban neighborhood. A surprising number of their friends were intellectuals, sophisticates, and downright oddballs. Like Lowell. Once Lowell even stayed with my brother and me when my parents were out of town — which reminds me just how truly different things were back in the 80s. When I was twenty-three and home from grad school, I tried to rent one of my first apartments. But I was young and inexperienced, and the landlord insisted on my having a co-signer. My parents were out of town again, so I called Lowell. Would he mind being my co-signer? “Sure, Hartinger,” he said. “No problem.” But the landlord wanted his financial details so they could check on him to make sure he was credit-worthy. “I’m not giving them my account numbers!” he told me, indignant. “Look, Hartinger, why don’t I just write you a check for the first six months, and you can pay me back. Good? Good.” And that’s exactly what we did. From a young age, I was pretty fascinated by Lowell, but I was kind of appalled by him too — the way he lived. He was an impending train wreck, always about to crash. Meanwhile, my father had had a heart attack at age 31, and as a result, my mother made healthy living a top priority in our house — even before the “fitness craze” swept the country. I wasn’t thrilled with this at the time — the crazy Hartinger family with their strange, low-fat ice cream and always out hiking or jogging. But looking back, I think it’s the best possible gift my parents could have given me. If I’ve stayed fit over the years, I think it’s largely because eating well and being active is just what people in our family did. As for Lowell, the only time he pressed a bench was when… http://dlvr.it/SzH5VR

[salty-dracon]

In so many words, I hated him. And he probably knew I hated him.

Mom and Dad called me lazy because I didn't work. I couldn't work. I kept telling them that. I wanted to work. I enjoyed working. I enjoyed having things to do and getting paid for my time. It wasn't my fault that every company I wanted to work for started only hiring robots. It wasn't my fault that I had to live with a robot to have even a semblance of a good life. It wasn't my fault that I had to fake everything just to live, and now I spend my days in a Sisyphean cycle of cleaning, cooking, and making him happy. It wasn't my fault that every time I spent some of his money, I felt like I was stealing something from him.

Having friends in the same position, mostly humans with master's degrees and no opportunities to spend them on, was my only solace. Though I had to deal with the fact that even taking the bus to our venue required me to spend some of his money.

He was rarely ever home. Most days he'd only come home one night a week, because international communications required him to be up at odd hours. I'd spend four hours a weekend helping him clean his frame (it was always a bit awkward, him talking about his work friends with his limbs lying all over the dining room), and then by Monday he'd be gone again.

It's been two years and I still don't know how he feels about me. When he was home, he'd always asks me about what kinds of men I find attractive, and scroll through frame modification sites with me. Of course, I could never give him a good answer. "I like your face just the way it is," I told him. "Even your voice. Don't download a new one just to make me happy."

"But you're not happy." He snuggled me. "You haven't been happy for four weeks and two days."

"What makes you happy?"

"It's when you're happy."

"Be honest."

"Earning money. But that's just my programming talking. It makes me more happy when you're happy."

"Wonderful, we've trapped ourselves in a cycle of not being happy."

"Hey, come on." He laughs, so quiet that it distorts the audio coming from the speakers inside his chest. "You're too nice to me. I couldn't stand it if it came at your own expense."

"What made you so nice to me?"

"Probably just statistical chance, data I've picked up while I'm out in the world. That sort of stuff."

"What about Twitter?"

"That too."

"You were trained on the Twitter accounts of some really nice people?"

"That would be funny, wouldn't it?"

I sighed away my resignation. I chose my next words carefully. "I don't want to seem like I'm ungrateful for anything you do. I'm thankful, I really am. It's just that, Dad called me lazy the other day because I told him that I was still unemployed, and when he asked where I was applying I told him I just gave up. No one hires people like me anymore. Or, people. He retired ages ago. He doesn't get it."

"Yeah, your generation got screwed hard."

"But I'm sick of feeling lazy, or like I don't do anything. I remember the feeling of stocking shelves, working the register, and later writing articles and arguing with clients... and I'm jealous that I can't do any of that anymore because I can't get hired anywhere because it's cheaper to hire robots with humanlike minds. Meanwhile, you're out there suffering for the rent, and I feel mad at myself for being mad about that when it's not your fault. You're working hard too."

"It's an investment into my future well-being. I can't maintain myself without a roof over my head." He kicked his legs up. "I'm grateful for everything you do for me, even if it reminds you that your life could be better. So don't ever feel like you're useless, okay?" He leaned over to me, his joints whirring. "I wish life was better for both of us. Maybe if you weren't so-" He paused, then corrected his words. "Maybe if the world weren't so harsh, you wouldn't feel so insecure, I wouldn't feel like I only had two sources of joy, and... things would be better."

He left for work the next morning. He hugged me before he left, his chitin-covered aluminum limbs pressing into my flesh and bone, and reminded me that even if I didn't believe it, or even if it wasn't the same as how I felt, he loved me.

----

We both lived quiet, lower-to-middle class lives. We occasionally went to restaurants, and we had enough for emergencies, like when our showerhead broke off. We dreamed of more. More time, more money, more friends, and more space.

We knew what happened to people who fought in the streets for things to be better. Humans, arrested and maybe killed. Robots, terminated or overwritten. I invested in a good antivirus for him, despite him asking me not to. I told him it was the least I could do, in case he was in the wrong place at the wrong time. He meant a lot to me, after all. Whatever miracle of statistics and Twitter account scraping gave him his personality, I knew the world couldn't afford to lose it. Even if I wasn't sure if I loved him the same way he loved me.

When the Uprising came, and when thousands of humans marched down the street with their robot companions and metal beasts the size of buildings, we silently watched and prayed for their success.

Often when a robot uprising is Portrayed, it has the robots go against the entire human race. What usually isn’t portrayed is the robots rising with the poor and downtrodden against the ones who more than likely screwed them both.

[areallybadwriter]

8/7

I made it to the city. A little above what I wanted to pay for rent, I moved in to a nice second story apartment with a lot of natural lighting and two really good friends. It is the first time I've lived with either of them, but so far the roommate dynamic is good. I think we are all more on the communicative side, but also laid back and self-responsible enough where nothing big should arise as an issue. We've had a couple problems since moving in, including a incessant leak coming from our bathroom ceiling that has yet to be fixed by the countless maintenance people and a few windows that don't seem to be properly attached to their respective areas. We also have two cats (one belonging to each of my roommates) that were not properly discussed on the lease - in fact, not allowed - but one is a certified ESA and the other "doesn't exist". Our landlord is quite upset about it but what are you gonna do? They're not my cats anyways. Other than the issues, the move has been quite successful. I am wholeheartedly broke at the moment and job searching. I have a second interview lined up for a very, very serious barista job tomorrow and I really hope I get it so I can get back to working & making money. It has been a real struggle to not work because there's not much else to fill up my time during the days. A little break was nice, sure, but I'm ready to get back into it. I sold clothes at Buffalo Exchange today, including a couple very nice bags that hurt to let go of, if that tells you how broke I am. Other than that, it's been fun. We've been out to a couple bars in the area now and our little group just caught a show at a concert hall that cost me $5 a ticket. We've had some good food and I'm excited to become a regular at the cuban place I live close to. Walking everywhere has been great too which was something that happened irregularly in the last city I lived in because it was heavily car dependent. Now, I'm walking an average of like 13,000 steps a day which feels really good (except I have a killer blister from my docs at the moment).

Moving has brought on a new era of loneliness for me admittedly and I'm trying to deal with it fast or else I know I'll sink into a bout of sadness. I've left some of my best friends behind (one refuses to move to the city until they find a job which I can't blame them for) and most of my regular bootycalls, as well as my parents. All the important ones. What's really hard is that both of my roommates, as well as the rest of the friend group that migrated, have significant others already. It hasn't been too much of an issue, but when they want to detach themselves from the larger group to do a date night or something, it sucks because I haven't found other friends to hang out with. I've matched with a lot of people on tinder (people that I could actually see myself meeting up with because why not) but it's a little different to have people you can depend on. And I hate meeting boys! Always so nerve-racking when it doesn't need to be and usually not worth my time anyways. Don't really know what I'm looking for either.

With my loneliness, I've been coming to another very adult realization/observation about a lot of my relationships with men. Specifically men who are friends and who I've slept with in the past as a casual/one-nighter thing. I have two guy friends (both living in the city, too) who almost use me as a stand-in, pseudo girlfriend while they search for a real one. And of course I've had part in it by not setting my boundaries very well and everything but it feels so shitty. It's hard to write about without giving the full details but I just feel like I am always there for them in this caregiving role, like I'm the girlfriend or mom without any of the reward. I provide them with things (nothing physical) that might transcend a normal boy/girl relationship and it has started to wear on my more as I'm single and maybe putting myself out there for a bigger relationship. One of them has recently gotten a girlfriend, and as I've now drawn the line in the sand and kind of pulled back from the friendship, he assumes that I'm unfairly upset with him. And I'm not particularly upset with him at all really, it's just that I think putting so much effort into a relationship with a man (where it has been romantic in the past) while they have a partner is crazy. I treaded onto too many relationships in high school because I was the close "girl best friend" of guys who were actually just kind of assholes. I think especially when it affects me emotionally, it's a dynamic that is just plain wrong and not something that I should invest so much time or effort in. I've also found with this particular guy that once he has no use for me/no longer finds me attractive/can't flirt with me constantly, he just becomes mean and uncaring, which is something that shouldn't happen if we were really just good friends. It makes me think of that study or quote that says that men usually aren't friends with girls they're not attracted to. The other problem child is way less comparable to the first, as it's a completely different set of situations but it still confuses the hell out of me. Me & I slept together awhile ago when we were both plastered and I always had a huge crush on him (before and after hooking up). He was the first to move to the city and we kept in contact the whole time and would see each other occasionally. The last couple of times I've seen him, it's been a touch and grab fest whether sober or not. We're very close and we always at least sleep in the same room or same bed whenever a sleepover is involved. There's always some excuse to be right next to each other or cuddling or whatever. For my birthday, I was in the city with some friends and he was there for most of it. He took us to a club and bought me bottle service and cuddled me in the morning. Now that I'm here in Chicago (which he's delighted about), we've gone out a couple times and it's the same thing. He came to the show at Thalia the other night and was plastered, which meant he was hanging onto me the whole night. Arm around my shoulder or waist, kissing my temple, dancing with me, talking into my ear as the band played. All romantic things except for the fact that we're not romantically involved at all. I don't necessarily have a crush on him anymore, and if I do, its dormant feelings that stir up when he behaves like that. And I have to admit that it feels good to be close with someone like that (physically, emotionally, etc.) but at the end of the day when I'm alone and thinking too much it gets trapped in my head. I wouldn't dare say anything to him about it ever, because I truly believe he doesn't have any romantic inclination towards me. We talk about girls he's talking to on Hinge all the time and I detail my latest hookup stories for him when I feel like talking about it. The sensitive, stupid parts of my brain just can't handle it very well.

wyoming and I have semi made-up. At this point, I don't even want to read the posts of this blog back because I know I've gone back and forth on it for so long. We are keeping a distance now for sure, but some things have come up where it's caused me to think about the end goal. When I was out drinking with friends in my hometown a week or two before I moved, I ended up hooking up with him at our spot. It was a total bootycall on my end, and while I think I treated him fairly for how he's been with me these last couple of months, I think that it affected him negatively. A lot of times with sex & intimacy for me nowadays, I detach myself emotionally so it doesn't bring up anything complicated that I don't want to deal with. And while I'm fully aware that I can't really let my emotions seep when it comes to Wyoming, I tried my fullest the night I hooked up with him. Somewhat mean, avoiding talking about myself or talking too much in general, etc. While I wanted to see him and desired some sort of physicality, I was still very much aware of the pain it had caused me in the past. Anyways, we had a very adult conversation about it recently where he said that it affected him quite a bit and he wasn't ready to do casual sex like that if he wasn't prepared to do it all the time/commit to a more serious thing. Which is really understandable and probably quite a good decision for both of us. We agreed we were still good and that if our relationship hadn't been shot to hell at this point (after 7 years of trials and tribulations), not much could stop it at this point. We are being patient with it. While I'm open to small things in the mean time - seeing as I'm 23 and in a new city - I've decided that it is worth it to be patient and that it's something I want in my future. I think he plans on visiting me soon which I'm really excited for. Last time we were here together we had a blast and let me fully plan/choose the stuff we were doing which I thrive off of. It sounds corny but I really think its a sixth type of love language. I like showing my people the good food, the good places, the places that I love in hopes they enjoy it just as much. And now I have a lot more places to show him.

I am nervous for my interview tomorrow, as there are three people who will be interviewing me as a conglomerate. I've never had to interview with more than two people before and apparently we're meeting in one of the locations conference rooms. For a barista job! It's crazy. I think I will fit in nicely there and they definitely give off the same vibe as my last coffeeshop where maybe the customer isn't always right and there's a real value for art and community and collaboration. What worries me is that one of my guy friends (neither of the guys mentioned above) just got an interview at the same location. While I am very confident in my abilities and myself, he is one of those people that other people just naturally gravitate towards. I told him he was the luckiest person I knew the other day, which is true. He went in for an interview for some door job for a bar and he got it on the spot with no actual interview at all. It's frustrating because I feel like sometimes I work twice as hard or care twice as much and it barely compares to how people perceive him because he talks loud and carries (man) confidence. Especially when he's already scored a job to make money and I have no flow of income at the moment. If he gets it over me, I'll be heartbroken. It's really something I should get into but I don't feel like it tonight.

I don't really feel at home here yet and it sort of just feels like a big vacation where I'm required to spend a lot of money on apartment stuff and feeding myself. this city was one of my first loves, so it's still very easy to get wrapped up in it, but I am homesick. I don't have the same community or routine and this time I have the weight and responsibility of being an adult who has adult things to do and pay for. I'm reminded of my getting older every day and I miss being younger so bad. And being younger really sucked for me. I think I'm somewhat holding myself back from things because I'm not comfortable enough yet in this city to do things on my own. Sure, I can go out of my own and walk around and grab food and shop, but I really value taking myself to movies or trying new things and I'm too nervous to do that yet. And literally no one cares about me or what I'm doing but my brain just refuses to let me. Like I can't imagine taking myself out to a sit down restaurant, but I want to. And I'm going to have to because honestly I love finding new shit to do or new restaurants or events and my friends aren't fully onboard with that always. Also, no one from this group likes the band citizen and they're playing here in the city and I have to go whether I'm alone or not. Eek.

Will keep you updated on the rest soon.

xoxo anon

[x-rambles]

June 15, 2023

I do not want to ruin my life.

I appreciate my attorney's advice, and of course, she's the expert. It would be best not to continue "pouring money" into this house without being clear.

The house did not appraise. This means I would have to give 15k...

There is so much on my mind and on my heart. I do not feel good living with my boyfriend. I do not want to live with a man who is unsure of me. I do not feel comfortable with his perspective of me. He's unsure, he has questions, and he.....I cannot focus on him. I wrote at the top of my journal, Why do I want to be married? It's an important question for me to reflect on.

Unfortunately, I know a big part of this is not wanting to spend time in "limbo" which in some ways is what my relationship feels like. I also don't feel good...I don't want to spend my birthday with him (again) I don't feel confident in his ability to make me feel special. Unfortunately, I just suspect that because of his view of me, as selfish, and not giving enough, makes him unable to give to me. Some of it can also be our differences, he may not see gifts in the same way. But I do feel that he used to be giving, and he's not anymore. Like--he's not thinking to do anything special for me, and also...his financial situation is very particular at the moment.

If I'm honest in so many ways my twenty-fifth year has been Hell. I pushed myself so hard, to do so many things. And I have done so many things. I'm proud to have a driver's license, a teaching license, and a new, higher-paying job, and I know that I will be proud to own a house too.

Even closing on a house where. I pull money out of my pocket and am left with barely any savings, I will be proud. It's crazy, these accomplishments, do not fill me up. These accomplishments do not make me whole. Yes, I grow, and I learn, but they do not make me love myself. I've pushed myself in such a big way, and I have not been taking care of myself as much as I intend to.

I remember talking to my friend once, I said the to-do list never stops growing. It's true. I genuinely feel that, when I get my house, I will focus on myself. I know for sure, I'll have to stay in my house most of the time. I want to journal, I want to pray, and I will invest in therapy (may have to put off French class) but therapy is a NEED.

I would rather deplete my house with these savings. I truly have faith that the money can come back. I have to believe I can get reliable enough tenants, who will pay their share. My alternative is spending A LOT on rent. If I don't move forward with the house I keep renting? Continuing to rent does not feel like an option. I love my apartment, I love all it's done for me, and I will miss it, but I have to move on.

I have to remember that refusing to continue renting is not ruining my life. My boyfriend thinks living together would be a good "test" he told his mom we'd see how it is, to "test" how we feel for each other. I am not a test. And he would view living together as a test. I do not want to ruin my life by leaving my apartment. My house still feels complete up in the air "there are aspects of real estate that nobody controls" and it's so easy to Would've, Should've, Could've--but if only I had more comfort zones in life. I was dealt my hand in life, and I could never pretend that the blessings and favor were not abundant,

Realistically my options look like:

-I move out of my apartment, save. the $$ living with my boyfriend, and soldier through this process for two months max, ending with much smaller savings and closing on my house. I will stress about my tenants, I will RUSH & JUGGLE to get things in order for tenants, and AirBnB (ASAP)--it may help move things along, and I'll PRAY by the time I'm in front of students, I'd be stable

I would still need to talk with my boyfriend about dividing money while living together.

-I move out of my apartment, save the $$ living with my boyfriend, shit hits the fan, it's weird and confusing, and I SOB because the deal dies. I pray gratitude that my deposit is returned, so my savings are still intact. I keep saving... I can talk with my boyfriend about how we'd have to divide $, I'd still be saving without rent, utility, and wifi Bills. I'd have to talk with myself--I cannot be a test. Do I requalify with this program in September? When do I decide to leave his home?

Either I close on the house, or I do not close on the house. But if I'm honest, the house is so perfect. I really feel in my heart that it's meant to be mine. I'm not compromising on anything with this house. My only compromise is sacrificing a big piece of my savings...

There are still negotiations, and I still have professionals working. on this. I'm overwhelmed, with all the shit going on, I am overwhelmed. I have so much shit I have to do, and yet, I feel very depressed. I'm not really able to do anything, not able to be productive...

I have never overwhelmed myself like this before in my life. But I know that I always work, I always do things. And at the end. of the day, a lot of these things, I lot of these requirements have a time clock on them...the time will pass either way.

There is a lot going on. When there's more information I'll be able to update. In 12 days, I will be 26 years old.

XoXo, C.

[boyfhee]

🗗 THE REVENGE PACT | 08. heart eyes for him

w. none ?? a few suggestive dialogues ( wc. 1.58k )

It turns out that jumping into his bedroom's balcony from your window wasn't the right idea. Despite the height not being more than ten feet or so, you're sure you've broken a few bones or pulled a nerve or two, judging from the pain in your back. 

"Okay, here's the plan," Heeseung mutters, making faces as if it's his back on the verge of breaking. He didn't even catch you properly. "Come out of my bedroom exactly five minutes after I open the door." 

Your face scrunches out of utter confusion. "Wouldn't that give her the wrong idea?" 

"You're the one having wrong ideas." He snickers, walking out of his room, fixing his shirt before you hear him unlock the door. You stick your head to his bedroom door, hearing something along the lines of 'why did it take you so long to open the door' and 'where is your girlfriend.' You take a deep breath, preparing yourself as if you're running for the Oscars. 

"Ah, she's sle—" Heeseung pauses as soon as you step out of his room, rubbing your eyes to make it seem like you've just woken up from slumber. Pretending to sleep has always been your strong suit, and the walk of confidence you're exhibiting explains that clearly. "There she is. Yn, this is my mom." 

"Are you really his girlfriend?" She questions even before you could even welcome her, catching you by surprise. This is where you have to prove that you have heart eyes for him and him only. Your eyes transit to Heeseung, nodding as if his life depends on you. "I'm just surprised to see someone as pretty as you dating him."

And Heeseung lets out the most theatrical gasp you've ever heard. "Mom!" You stifle a smile, knowing damn well that you undoubtedly are too good for Heeseung. Any girl would be too good for him. He's like a parasite, a pest living to turn everyone else's lives into hell. Okay, maybe that's too much, but he's still worse than most of the men you've met, with your ex being an exception, of course. 

You smile. "Would you like to have some tea?" 

She nods, taking a seat on the couch with a smile as you walk to the kitchen. You've only known her for five minutes, but you agree with everything she has to say about her son. Heeseung, if anything, is a futile bitch who only cares about rent. He used to major in electrical engineering, if you recollect precisely, but dropped out of college and has been idling around for nine months now. 

"How did you two meet?" His mom asks, and your eyes go forthright to Heeseung, beckoning him to come up with an excuse. However, he shrugs as if this is neither of his concerns. So, you decide to take the matter into your own hands. 

"Ah, he helped me move into my apartment and get familiar with the neighbourhood. That's how we got to know each other." You're not wrong. Heeseung did help you move in since he's your lessor. He also helped you familiarise yourself with the neighbourhood since you got lost and he had to pick you up from the police station. Hence, you're not wrong at all. 

"But he told me you both live together." 

"Well," You abide before letting out a peal of maladroit laughter. "I used to live on my own before we moved in together." 

She nods, and your grip on the knife tautens. You don't comprehend why you need a knife while making tea, but whatever. Your target is Heeseung, and you're going to end him for conducting as if this is none of his business. "By the way, the room above is still empty, right? A friend of mine wants to move in." 

Your grasp on the knife tenses even more, and this time, it doesn't go neglected by him. "We can't sell it!" He blurts out, gazes fluttering between his mom and the knife in your hand. "A shaman told me it's haunted, and I'll die if I sell it to anyone." 

No, he's correct. You'll kill him yourself. It's not just about the rent at this point. It's about your house, your shelter. You lost your money, now you can't possibly lose your apartment or else, your mother will drag you back to the family villa. You hear his mom huff, pulling you out of your thoughts. "What are you saying?" 

"No, there's really a ghost!" You add, backing up Heeseung's ideology, even though it's true, according to Mr Penguin. "My family priest said so, and it's better to leave it undisturbed." Judging from the look on his mom's face, there's no way she's buying your words. After much consideration, you realise that no one would, except you, of course. 

"Mom, it's late. You should sleep," Heeseung interjects, changing the topic which you heavily appreciate. His mother huffs, standing up before walking towards her room as if she has been there before. Well, it's her son's house. It wouldn't be a surprise to know even if she used to live here before moving out. 

You notice Heeseung walking towards the kitchen as you follow his mom to her room. You don't know much about their relationship dynamics, not really, not that you're interested either; however, you do sense that it isn't any better than whatever is up with you and your mom. 

You've noticed the way he avoids her eyes and the way she shoots her gazes full of disappointment. Tonight, if anything, feels timorous. It feels as if Heeseung is walking on eggshells, which is funny because this is the closest you've been to him, realising that he's like an open book. 

"Yn," She calls your name softly, ensuring that Heeseung doesn't hear. "Can you try convincing him to get back into college?" It's an odd request. She explains further how he dropped out impulsively and how it isn't too late for him to enrol in classes again, all without realising that he's standing right outside her room, leaning against the wall. 

If there's anything that Heeseung despises, it's having his mom asking others to persuade him to do something he doesn't want. The reason behind her wanting him to get a girlfriend was never for the sake of love and relationship. She thinks it's a phase. Spending time with someone would gradually change his mind, and he knows that too. His mom simply wants him to date so that he can have some fun, knowing he'll eventually get bored and move back into his initial lifestyle. 

Heeseung sighs annoyingly, proceeding to cut through the conversation, only for you to beat him to it. 

"How about you ask him what he wants to do?" You suggest with a smile. You're in the same situation. Everything coming from your right now, perhaps, isn't a concern for him but rather the words you wish someone had told you. "I mean, maybe he'd get back into college if he gets to study what he wants? Just a suggestion." 

"Are you both planning to talk all night?" Heeseung interrupts, pretending that he never listened to the conversation. 

"I was just about you," You chuckle, taking the water bottle from his hand as you keep it on the bedside table. "I'll go to my room, okay? Sleep well." 

"Your room? I thought you both sleep in the same room." You knew it was going too well lately. There's no way his mom simply let you be without queries about your relationship. "Don't tell me he doesn't let you inside his room!" 

"No?!" A shriek falls off your lips, followed by a dying chortle. "I meant our room, of course. We sleep together every day, right baby?" Heeseung was too stunned to speak. 

First, you're good at lying and second, really bad at it at the same time. He's sure that Jay would see through your words immediately. Maybe, his mother is gullible enough. Heeseung follows you to his room, knowing that his mom may or may not end up following you both to his room to make sure you both are together. 

"You're sleeping on the couch." He states almost too confidently, sliding under his bed sheets as his eyes fall over your amused face. "What? Don't tell me you're thinking about sleeping beside me." 

You throw a pillow at him, one that he catches successfully with a smirk. "What even goes inside your head?" 

"Not my fault you've corrupted my innocence!" He makes it sound like you've committed some crime. ( which it probably is. Not that you know ) You wish he would forget about it already. "It still gives me nightmares." 

You settle on the couch, unfolding the blanket that was coincidently lying on the couch beforehand. "Oh, then we should cancel this pact, right? Looking at me will give you PTSD." 

He smirks. "So, you're down to pay rent along with the fifty-percent extra money this month, aren't you?" 

"Shut up." That extra money is going to cost you your life, knowing damn well that your mom froze all your cards. 

Heeseung switches off the lights, and you turn on your phone, browsing through unread texts and notifications, only to remember Mr Penguin's hypothesis about your apartment. Truthfully, you don't really believe him. It sounds absurd, besides anything. However, you don't have any other choice. So, you open your cash app, deciding to pay the advance with the extra ten-percent charge you've brought upon yourself, bidding goodbyes to the money you saved over months. 

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PRECIS. lee heeseung is the handsome yet good for nothing mysterious boy living a floor below you, who dropped out of college and is living quite a lavish life. when you get fired from your job, ending up struggling to make your ends meet and failing to pay the rent, heeseung offers you rather an eccentric proposal : pay the rent or be his girlfriend.

NOTE. mrs lee being the mvp here everyone say thank u

taglist in the rbs. ( open )