#oddly. it hit me with a sense of melancholia

[athousandbyeol]

>> a boss and a babe episode 7 | stills

[starboundbane]

11 question meme

I try to be mysterious but I love taking about myself

Rules: Answer your set of questions and add 11 of your own

Tagged by: @butwewereanempire *winky face kiss emoji*

1. What is your fondest memory?

I’m not sure. I have some fond memories but most of them were tainted by these people later on hurting me or something bad happening.  Sometimes oddly graphic fond memories come up again though, like scenes in a movie. Pineapple juice with ice cubes with a girl from Ecuador that shared my name. Finding out that the bumblebees in my grandma’s garden went into a little hole in the ground. Having Renée sleeping at my place for the first time and us baking brownies together that we also had for breakfast on toast the next day. Valentine's day this year, me alone at 7am on my balcony in the thickest sweater with a giant mug of green tea, enjoying the cold. Sitting with Laura on the windowsill of her room on the 6th floor, loudly playing fuck-marry-kill at 2am. A night walk in our pajamas through the hotel park with Asia.  Sitting in this jazz café with a red haired boy that later on abandoned me.

2. What is the weirdest and/or dumbest thing you’ve done with your friends (or for them) 

All my friends are terribly weird and so am I, I don’t think anything we’ve ever done was normal. Helping a friend hide the fact that he was building a blunt in the supreme court, for example. The windowsill thing was definitely up there as well, considering the fact that we let ourselves fall backward, hoping that the bed was in the right place (it was). Walking barefoot through the lake and then lying on the gravel yelling “I AM THE SAND GUARDIAN, GUARDIAN OF THE SAND”. That one time i volunteered to pierce 2 girls’ ears in our room during the class trip, while one was half naked because a 3rd girl was dying her hair. I succeeded, they’re very happy with the results.

3. Villains or heroes or anything in between?

Listennn I love me a Good Hopeful Hero that just genuinely wants to do good and help people. Fuck yall, its not boring. But the rule of thumb for me is Anti Hero. I, for one, am an anti hero, and I love anti heroes.

4. What is your biggest pet peeve in any kind of writing

When the writers don’t care enough about the audience the actually make three dimensional, complex, unique, diverse characters. When beloved characters get dragged through the mud because it's easier to write them emotionally stunted, straight, and stereotypical. Amazing and creative plotline possibilities going to waste because million dollar studios are afraid to take risks. Overgoing and tbh insulting fans. I just,,,, care a lot about character writing and I don’t fucking get why you would purposefully do the exact opposite of what your loyal audience wants you to do.

5. What is your ideal aesthetic and what is your honest one?

Ideal: Black and white, dark blue dark red, lilac. Ravenclaw & Slytherin. Books about astrophysics, arched eyebrows behind glasses. Ambition and intelligence. Knives and flowers. Snowy mornings, the sound of your boots/heels hitting the ground when you step into a room with confidence. Holding all the power and knowing it. Plants and the song “Killer queen”. Elegance and oddity. Vampires and Aliens. Smiles through bloody teeth, bold fashion choices. “Okay, so i lied”, “The darker the night the brighter the stars”. Coffee shop dates with your friends, holding a face gently between your hands. Cold eyes turning soft for the right people, dancing with flowy clothes. Studying anything and everything, walking through the streets of a beautiful big city on your own. Shameless flirting and dangerous grins, smooth criminal as your theme song (and a lot more, i have a whole folder)

Honest: Similar, but also: Cold stares and clenched jaws. Purple circles under you eyes, looking into the night sky and sighing wistfully. Sitting alone in a room full of people. Melancholia and nostalgia while aggressively rejecting sentimentality. Planning 3 years ahead. Having no place that feels like home. A not really hidden meaning behind sentences, revealing itself only to those who listen closely enough to analyze the careful choice of words. Aching to live in fiction, or in the future. Staring at people who left you when they can’t see it, wondering why you couldn’t keep them. Telling people you work better alone, when in truth you simply always had to. Bruised knuckles, a poker face with tear-shot eyes.

6. Best breakfast you ever had?

Me and my dad driving to the city to eat in this amazing breakfast restaurant and then walking around the city until noon. I just,,, love that shit.

7. Whats the book you’d like to read but hasn’t been written yet like?

I.. honestly don’t have a good answer to that yet. Maybe sometime later

8. We all have A Type. Whats yours?

Dating wise? I’m somehow into gingers. As a professional bisexual, i must say I prefer boys with light hair, and for girls, i don’t really have a preference. Outside of gender, i must say i like people who are rather the opposite of me. I like sunshines, kind people with big smiles. But i’m also into power-couples, so be my sunshine but also kick somebody’s ass with me. For fictional characters? I honestly don’t know, some characters just draw me in.

9. Out there, in some parallel universe where shit never happened, there is a better version of you - the person you’d like to be. What are they like?

Less troubled, less melancholic. Maybe not constantly abandoned. Not constantly doubting herself, always expecting people not to want her around. A better person, maybe living in the present for once, having a good life for more than 5 hours for once. But other than that I don’t like the idea of “fixing” my issues. They make me who I am. I don’t want to be fixed, i want to be helped

10. What would you get into an argument over?

Most things. I’m a very confrontational person, I let people know when i don’t agree with something, I’m honest about my opinions, and i have said opinions about pretty much everything.

11. 3 things you love when people do and 3 you absolutely hate

love:  - people being genuinely happy to see me - when you and the other person care about each others interests & passions and rant and debate for hours - when somebody stands out in the crowd due to dressing with a unique sense of fashion, and stands up for what and who they believe; Just generally people who light the whole room up when they walk in

hate: - “of course we’re friends!” *proceed to not give a shit about you* - people who ditch you as soon as shit gets complicated because they can’t handle people with problems - When people can’t stand the fact that you’re doing You and living the way you want to, but are also too afraid to tell you what their problem is

My set of questions

1. One fictional character you would like to date, and why

2. Whats an opinion you’re very passionate about at this very moment

3. What do you imagine happiness to be like?

4. If you were a character stereotype used in movies/ games/ books, which one would you be 

5. The aestethic of your favourite field of study

6. What personality traits make you fall in love 3 times quicker than usual

7. What would your ideal café look like?

8. What would be your ideal aesthetic and what is your HONEST one? (keeping this one bc its so good)

9. What’s the person /one of the people you wish you could’ve kept in your life like?

10. Whats a part of your personality that you don’t like to admit

11. What would your romantic relationship ideally be like?

@stevegrantrogers-buckybarnes @soft-raphael @butwewereanempire (if u wanna go again lmao) @schope-nah @an--asexual--assbutt and generally everyone who wants to do this

[veneficiumitas]

SHADOW WORK CHALLENGE ► Day 2: Childhood - The Birth of the Shadow

Tarot Q: What facet of my childhood have I overlooked or otherwise need to reevaluate?

THE HANGED MAN

it seems as if the hanged man is telling me i should spend time in (transpersonal?) meditation and/or reflection of my past. it is through suspending myself with my own discernment and intuition, will the answer come to me. only time will tell.

🍂

“Infancy, childhood, and adolescence all set the stage for the development and reinforcement of the shadow. For the sake of brevity, I am using the term ‘childhood’ to cover all of these life stages, however. Bear that in mind whenever I refer to childhood throughout this challenge.”

“Trace back your memories as far as you can. Try to overview your early life in as much detail as possible. Articulate or otherwise express how you experienced childhood as a whole. Heed to any areas of resistance you encounter. Note pivotal turning points or memories that stand out. Attempt to recall the first time you experienced emotions like sadness, anger, jealousy, anxiety, remorse, and contempt.”

🍂

i had a relatively decent childhood. the only abuse i suffered was at the ‘disciplinary’ hands of my mother who was toeing the line of physical abuse until my aunt intervened. i still ran from her, hid under tables, and cried a lot. i was a very oversensitive child who couldn’t bear the brunt of jokes, and i’ve soon come to find that i exhibited symptoms of RSD. both my parents had also emotionally neglected me, so i guess that explains my fragmented sense of self and my perpetual confusion with my emotions.

► MEMORIES THAT STAND OUT:

4-6 YEARS OLD

my mom hitting me with a wooden spoon for shaking and dropping my medicine on the couch; i hid behind my dad who argued with her.

despite all this, i was bold somewhat as a child, holding hands with the boy i liked (then getting yelled at for doing so when there was size order) and having seen a budding friend of mine in kindergarten play fight with another girl whom i mistook at first glance as serious, i tore them apart forcefully only for the girl to grumble that they were only playing. i never came between anyone after that because i took it that i was too dumb to realize that or anything of the sort. i had also asked the other girl in 2nd grade to be my best friend, which she agreed to.

in kindergarten, i had a bully who i can only remember having ripped scissors out of my hand at some point and me subsequently bawling amongst other mean-spirited jives at me.

i was somewhat friends with another girl who was a chronic thief, and due to this alongside her bullying personality, she had a bad reputation.a few grades or so later, i became the bully for a moment when i sneered at her while teasing her about a ‘loser crown.

at some mcdonald’s playground, i was playing with some girl and some random boys would call me an “ugly booger face” or whatever unimaginably horrible insult a 6 year old could come up with, and i remember feeling relieved they weren’t talking about me but the girl i was with, thus i laughed along until it was evident they were talking about me. i told my uncle who mistook what i said, and told all the boys in this particular roomy area of the structure to let me play with them. i felt obligated to crawl in and just started awkwardly jumping around, playing by myself in the end

7-13 YEARS OLD

i wanted to be like one of the ‘cool kids’ and jumped over a single step; then got yelled at by my teacher. i wouldn’t stop incessantly crying, declaring “i hated school” as my dad told my teacher upon seeing me, and i wouldn’t stop well until a few hours later despite my mom’s lackluster efforts in comforting me until she’d yell at me to shut up.

in 2nd grade, i pointlessly fought with a girl over her stuff spilling over into my side of the desk, until we both ended up crying.

i cried until i got a bloody nose over the division of farm animalsbetween me and my group members for some silly project???

a lot of the time in middle school i’d forget things in my bag. in 3rd grade, i once left my folder in my cubby and once i mustered up the courage to ask to go get it, i got yelled at. i held my tears in.

in 4th grade, i accidentally got a small hairbrush tangled in my hair as i was playing with it. incredibly embarrassed, i asked to go to the bathroom to sort it out myself, and stayed for the longest time trying with my ‘friend’ at the time. when i came back to class after going to the nurse despite my humiliated judgement, i got yelled at and the rest of my day was sour.

got cyberbullied due to a shoddily-filmed video of my 5th grade school supplies. in the comments, people would continuously call me a myriad of things-- the most common of them being “whore” and “slut” for some reason? i wanted them to hurt too, so i fired back with replies of my own.

PIVOTAL POINT: in 6th grade, my mental health took a turn for the worst. this was the beginning of the downhill battle i’d still come to fight with today. my hygiene was poor which i’d be self-conscious about, but my mom never taught me basic things i should know growing up so i never bothered with it. one day when a girl was crying because of some other mean girls at my table, another girl i knew said “well at least they didn’t say anything about amaris” to which the girl viciously lashed out with “YES, they have; they talk about how ugly she is!” i always knew people talked shit about me behind my back, and this solidified my belief. i’d also come to overhear the first girl playing “would you rather” with me and presumably a few other ‘ugly’ people. this is the year i started to romanticize mental illness, depression, and suicide.

a friend i had made in 7th grade who was a pathological liar (she was a leo of course lmfao) always got on my last nerve. can’t begin to list all the instances my blood would boil around her (anger?)

other friend had agreed to a jab i had made myself at my mother and i got very pissed off at that.

in 8th grade, i broke down during in-school math tutoring, triggered by the teachers there talking about me and how i would look pretty in a dress or something of the sort. i remember crying out that i thought that i had body dysmorphia. i got sent to the guidance counselor who would basically tell me to practice affirmations in a mirror

broke down again about figuring out how to get home when i was hanging out with a group of stoner kids at a bonfire, having one of them who apparently had a crush on me invite me. i think this was because i felt like a nuisance and bother

14-17 YEARS OLD

real jealousy happened when i met a group of juniors as a freshman with my only friend at the time who was considerably more conventionally attractive than me. the only two guys of the group who we both semi-crushed on pined after her in a oddly manipulative dance of sorts while i got pushed to the sidelines just to witness it all.

i’d get jealous every time she’d mention something about her boyfriend at the time who ended up being one of the juniors we met freshman year. i eventually told her “i didn’t want to hear it” when she told me he called her ‘sweetheart’ for the first time

more jealousy when we both crushed on the same dude later in the year, and she’d supposedly subconsciously flirt and hold his attention for longer than anything i had to offer, or so it seemed

i broke down after talking to an internet friend of mine about aforementioned crush via text, i’d come to dub this night/break down as the first time i’ve ever really felt raw and what it means to feel alive

my melancholia would begin sometime during junior year

anxiety was prominent all throughout my early life, mainly during the night in the dark. my paranoia due to particularly watching the bottom feeder and chucky made me believe they were always just about to jump out and kill me, so i’d constantly lay wide-eyed in bed during the night. in the 3rd grade, i would sleep under the covers due to how big of a thing bloody mary was at the time and my friend group was heavily involved in it. (PIVOTAL POINT) i think the brunt of anxiety started this year, in my senior year, 17 year old me at the start of september would constantly cry/have anxiety attacks before school. come to think of it now, the anxiety became more visceral in my junior year

i’ve never felt real, palpable contempt; maybe the only time i’ve come the closest was when i told a kid who targeted me constantly to annoy, “kill yourself.”

remorse is not an emotion i’ve felt often, i don’t think. i’ll have to contemplate more on this.

(x)