#oda is in between too based mostly on what we know about his teen self

[allbuthuman]

BSD and loneliness

Loneliness and what it does to a person, as well as how far the attempts to counteract it can go, what they can and can't do, is an overarching theme in Asagiri's writing, and many of the stories portrayed can basically boil down to "this person is suffering because they are really, really lonely", which I love. Here I want to focus more on loneliness of the "existential" type, the one that's almost intrinsic to someone and stems from who they are rather than whom they do or don't have around them, because, in my mind, it makes for great tragic stories.

Dazai

He is the most obvious example, and probably one of the loneliest characters I've ever come across. Able to comprehend everything, yet unable and from a point onward unwilling to be comprehended, no one can understand his mind, and even those "like him" who might, like Fyodor, won't understand his emotions. First of all, of course, he controls them too well. Secondly, although I do think there are moments he shows a need for connection, he does that from the safety of his usual persona (for example, hiding behind his usual teasing), so that, in the mind of others, there is no clear distinction between the two. Thirdly, the awareness he has of his own emotions is probably very low, since he's learned that the only way to survive and make sense of himself and the world is to rationalise. There are meagre chances for Dazai the human being with emotions to be less lonely, until he chooses to let himself be seen and be vulnerable, and, at this point, it would probably be extremely hard for him to actually practice that, even if he did make the decision.

Dazai does understand that it's better for people to be with one another rather than alone. It's clear even in Stormbringer, when his mental health is arguably at its lowest. It's clear in Dark Era, when he says that if everyone around him died, it would be a form of suicide (I'm using these examples even though there are clearer ones because these are probably the times he was doing the worst). But he doesn't believe that he can have true companionship, and is also being taught to believe that attachment is a weakness, that loneliness is where he belongs.

And then there's Oda, who, while admittedly unable to understand his mind, comprehended exactly this loneliness of his. He and Ango both did, and, as per the light novel, they could not manage to interfere, but were by him as he experienced it. And yet he barely knew that was the case, until Oda made it clear, and then the one person who he now knew could see him died.

But what people rarely comment on is how much capacity to care for someone Dazai had. There was one person, the first person who saw beyond the unpredictable Demon Prodigy, the first person who acknowledged his loneliness - didn't even manage to break through it, just acknowledged it and treated him with care, and that was enough for Dazai to care about him as much as he did, and that is heartbreaking in itself.

Lastly, but perhaps the most telling point of all is Asagiri himself admitting that he never knows what Dazai is thinking. I don't want to get too into meta, but being the creation of someone, and still not being understood by your own creator is possibly the loneliest position I can think of.

Verlaine

My second favourite example, because here we have someone who was loved, and he knew that he was loved, but it wasn't enough to change things.

Verlaine's loneliness is objective, in the sense that he really is fundamentally different than those around him, he really is not biologically human. That loneliness of his, combined with the hatred that it fostered, was what led him to seek Chuuya - he thought that the only person who could understand him was one who shared that nature, and incorrectly believed that Chuuya would think so as well. He needed Chuuya, and thought that Chuuya would need him in he same way. He was, however, wrong, because Chuuya, being uncertain of his humanity instead of certain of his inhumanity, put great effort into being among other people instead of discarding them.

Rimbaud knew Verlaine's nature since the beginning. He accepted it, he cared for him and loved him regardless. He knew that it made him suffer and was there for him, and he did try to empathise with him, while knowing that it was impossible, because the gap was not one that could be mended. In Verlaine's case, no love could be enough to change his nature, a nature that made him look at the world with hate, including the person who loved him. To a person who feels like they should never have been born, even the sincerest "I'm glad you were born" would only cause pain, until it was too late.

Of course, that's not to say that he actually hated Rimbaud - it's very apparent from the ending of Stormbringer that he cared about him, and that he did appreciate all the efforts he made for him. I don't know if you want to call it love, but it's the closest thing he had the capacity for. But, at the end of the day, nothing that Rimbaud would do could change the fact that Verlaine perceived the gap between himself and the world as unbridgeable. Yet still, he was affected. Nothing could really change, but Rimbaud reached him somehow, although the ending couldn't have been different.

Shibusawa

Here we have an example of someone who shared a similar kind of loneliness, but never had anything to counteract it. He's portrayed as comparable to Dazai and Fyodor: smarter than everyone around him, detached and bored. But, in contrary to Dazai, he isn't shown having any meaningful relationship that could challenge that. This difference is recognised by Dazai, who tells him to his face that he wouldn't think like that if he had any friends. This is a "playful" way to put it, but in reality Dazai simultaneously empathises with his point of view and discards it, because he now knows better than to view people the way Shibusawa does.

I haven't read the light novel, I'm just basing this on the movie, so I can't say much more, but I think his character works as a good point of contrast between people who still try to find "meaning" and those like him, who have decided it's not worth it.

Curious to see where Fyodor, the other so-called superhuman, will fall in regards to this loneliness, but I think we don't know enough about him and how he actually feels in order not to grasp in the dark.

(part 2 about the less existential type of loneliness if i gather enough coherent thoughts)