#oc: p. ena bristol

[writersplight]

HIS LOVER, SACRIFICIAL LIVES *

Pairing: Erwin Smith/OC (P. Ena Bristol) Summary: There is one way for Erwin to achieve his dream, and Ena is determined to give everything for that. Content warning: character death, and the trauma that comes with it. Word count: 2629

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Erwin had a bad idea. Discussed it briefly with Levi, his right hand, who agreed he should go through with it. Give up on your dreams and die. Ena, however, had another plan. It was her quick thinking that got her to this conclusion. “Do you want to know a secret?” she whispers, leaning on the side of whatever he was sitting on. A box filled with something that will never be used until this village is safe. He makes a sound, but doesn’t look her way. “I’ve always wanted to be a commander. I knew it was a very tough position to get,” her hand rises from the box to his shoulder, getting his attention, “laced with death and hard decisions, but I’ve always wanted to be one.” There’s a silence, and his head slowly turns her way. Her eyebrows furrow with pain he cannot place, but her lips slide into a smile. His face melts into a reaction, from numb to confused. “Why are you telling me this?” “I know how you can see the basement. But, like all of your decisions, it’ll cost you some lives.” He turns her way, interested in her suggestion. Ena breathes, pulling Erwin into a tight hug. She talks into his ear, whispering so quietly.

“Use my ODM gear gas. Climb the wall on the far side. Hide until everything is all over. Until everything is over. You can’t get hurt or die in between everything, or I’ll be so cross with you.” Her hands slip from his shoulders to her gear, which falls to the ground after struggling for a little while. She pulls away, her smile fake and big. “And let me live out my commander fantasy. What do you say?” Ena wastes no time dropping to her knees, doing her best to secure her gas into Erwin’s ODM gear. She needs to ensure this all happens. Levi, off to the side, watches. He doesn’t yet know what was said. He was sure it was a bad idea. Just like the suicide march Erwin was planning. All horrible ideas he has no choice but to agree to. The commander stops her, grabbing her wrists. “Why?” he asks, not understanding how someone so close to him would want such a position. He was still stuck on her confession. He knew he was the walking symbol of death, and thus, thought of Ena as life. Why would Life sacrifice itself for Death? “Why would you want to be a commander?” “For the respect,” she half jokes, getting back to work. The shorter blonde almost laughs, but cannot. She stands, dusting off her knees, done. “I can’t really put it into actual words. But I’ve always wanted to be a commander. Who are you to deny me that dream?” Weakly, he stands on his feet. He feels like he’s going to vomit, but pushes the growing nausea down. For Ena. For Life. He tells Levi first, who argues numbly that she shouldn’t take his place. He looks to Ena, who was rounding up the troops with the confidence of a commander who has done a thousand marches to hell. I can’t say no to her. Not when she’s this stubborn, Levi. He agrees, voice distant and lost in the wind. Finally, before she mounts Erwin’s horse, she pulls Erwin and Levi in for once last squeeze. The real commander doesn’t move, too stunned by his choice to let her die with his soldiers. Levi, however, forces his arm up to touch her side. If it’s her last hug, her last wish, her last goodbye. . . He can live with being briefly inconvenienced by the physical touch. How selfish of her. She whispers, as she pulls away, her eyes not meeting their gaze, “See you boys in hell.” Then, Ena mounds Erwin’s white horse, her voice ringing out to her cadets. “My soldiers, I am not your usual commander, but I expect the same amount of respect. Follow me to hell.” She takes the lead, seeing Levi zip along the walls. Erwin follows, going up. He watches from the top, for a little bit. Her angry gaze is on the beast titan. “My soldiers, I will not lie to you. We are dying today. It won’t be for nothing. We are dying so the others who have fallen before us can be set free. We will follow their example, and we will fall with purpose! My soldiers. . . trust in me! Trust that those after will follow suit! Do not yield; lash out and push forward! Don’t go down without a fight! Scream until your last breath! Until there is nothing but your voice echoing off the walls! Push forward! My dear soldiers. . . Rage!” Before anything major happens, Erwin runs across the top of the wall, trying to make it into the inner walls. To where his office is. Maybe he’ll be safer there. If he gets tired, he can rest on the top of the inner walls, but he can’t be close to the suicide march. Just then, he sees a flash. He stops, thinking Eren has transformed. It’s Reiner; the armored titan. It takes a while, but he forces himself to look away. To selfishly claw his way towards a longer life, despite his soldiers needing him. But he made a promise to Ena, and he intended to see this one through. Before he could reach the inner wall, there was a bigger explosion. The colossal titan. No. Bertoldt Hoover. Anger bubbles below his skin as he surges forward. Every selfish act cannot match the weight of this one. He’s sure she’s dead by now, as he cannot hear her voice ringing out from such a distance. It makes him so irrationally angry, and he cannot place why her death feels this way to him. Like a personal attack.

From the inner wall, he sees so much, and so little. He forces himself to watch, not having the strength to continue. After regrouping, and Armin gaining the colossal, they slowly made it back to their offices. His office door, strangely, was already open. Like someone had already been in there. Cautiously, he enters, mind buzzing with thoughts of what was actually in the basement. Grisha Jaeger’s second family. Not exactly anything huge, but proof enough that the world isn’t just them, something he’s always suspected. On his desk was a lovely concealed letter. He doesn’t know when or how it got here, but it was titled to him. Without sitting down, he opens the letter. It’s times like this where he misses his other hand, and that’s not only due to the semi-constant aches as the nub of what’s left heals. He takes in the information, his heart sinking like a brick.

Dear Erwin Smith, With so little time, but so many emotions, I have some exciting news. I don’t know when I’ll get to tell you, so I’m writing this and hiding it in your office. I’m pregnant. I’m more than certain it’s yours. I know how nervous you are to be a father, so I wanted to give you time to process this on your own. I don’t want you to think of me, or our child, as a burden to hold. We are a family. One where we will perfectly ourselves, indulging in conspiracies and having weird quirks—the whole nine yards! Just like I dream of. And, as a second, I want you to know that I love you. I have for the longest time. I don’t know what the future holds, or how long we’ll get. I know I’ll never get that big, glamorous wedding I told you I dreamt about. For now, until you get the time, I’ll pretend we’re married. I love playing pretend. Maybe I’ll even pretend to want to be a commander. That’s a joke, I could never want such a horrible job. You do make it so easy. Maybe, if I switch places with you, you’ll learn how to relax. . . Just a silly thought, I know. You’re in commander position because you fought for it. You crawled your way here, fighting tooth and nail, and brought everyone a taste of hell on earth. I think that’s why I love you so dearly. You’re so selfishly human, and one of the craziest bastards I’ve ever had the pleasure of meeting. Never change. May our enemies one day get a taste of the same hell you bring. The next few pages are the results from the doctor’s office. I requested they write down the news so we can share it. However, I was impatient and peeked. Isn’t this exciting, Erwin? Come find me when you’re ready. With love, P. Ena Bristol

Erwin sank to the floor. For the first time in a long time, tears flooded his eyes. It all made sense. He was in love with Ena. Even still, he sent her to her death, with their unborn child growing inside her. She didn’t even hesitate in lying about wanting to be a commander. All so he could live. . . He doesn’t realize when, but Levi is there. The smaller male is kneeling next to his crumbling form, confused. He’s never seen his commander cry. He didn’t even know what to do. “I sent a pregnant woman to her death.” He finally croaks, meeting the other’s gaze. He limply hands over the doctor’s note, keeping the love letter to himself. The other scans it before sighing. Figures. Erwin doesn’t know when the tears stopped, but he’s glad they did. “She didn’t even want to be a commander. And now. . . I’m still alive. Without her. And our child is. . .” His voice disappears with his trail of thought. How could he continue going on without her—knowing she charged towards her death with their son inside her—knowing she was the embodiment of life? Levi digs into his pocket, handing over a patch. “Cadet Forster said she wanted you to have this.” It was covered in blood, no doubt mostly her own, and his heart ached. If he could go back, what could he do differently? Could he make all those late nights where they found each other in their company actually mean something? Not that it matters. She put her all into a relationship she couldn’t even have. For what? What was it all for? “You’ve sent so many soldiers to their deaths before.” Levi states, standing up. Even his gaze is dark and far away. “Ena’s shouldn’t stop you. She wasn’t different from the rest.” The commander finds himself shaking his head, and it knocks him to the present. “You’re wrong. She wasn’t just some pregnant soldier. She had my son—” “It’s not like you can say you loved her, so what difference does it make?” The shorter captain points out, and Erwin’s mouth runs dry. A bitter laugh nearly leaves his lips. He couldn’t say it when it matters most, so he’s not completely wrong for saying that. Still. . . “It’s different to me.” He says finally, standing up. His eyes are on his dusty desk, where the letter lays, out in the open. “Though it is true I couldn’t tell her to her face how deeply I cared for her, I’m sure she knew in her heart. That’s why she lead the suicide charge. It should have been me. . . I can feel her death weighing the most on me right now, but I don’t expect you to fully comprehend. You’ve never been in love. . . have you, Levi?” “Can’t say that I have.” His eyes are out the window. Not watching, barely even looking. It was getting awkward. Erwin sighs, sitting down in his leather chair, head in hands. “Our next plan?” The commander thinks aloud, voice muffled. “We get to the ocean. That’s what Cadet Arlert wants, and Ena would have wanted me to keep moving forward. I will barrel full speed into the future, and I won’t look back. We should leave in two days time. I will warn the cadets. Though tired, this should give them something good to look forward to.” Levi says nothing. There’s nothing left to say to him. Nothing would help him, or make him feel better. He believes he loved Ena, and feels her death weighing on him like all of the other people he’s sent to their death. Worst of all, she was pregnant with their child. . . So he lets his commander walk away. Levi wishes he could feel some sympathy for Erwin—so he can offer him some much needed warmth like Ena used to—but he pushes his feelings down to a point of all around numbness. He can’t feel bad, because he can’t feel period. So, he keeps his mouth shut and lets Erwin walk away. It’s not like it matters.

Erwin forgets how he ended up in the bathroom. It’s been too long since he’s seen Ena. Her smile used to drown out the static in his mind. Her touch could physically push away the dead soldiers he’s sent to their demise. Before her, he didn’t need that. He can’t remember what changed. He’s sweating and heavy over the bathroom sink. The room is spinning. His eye bags are prominent and a deep purple. His beard is starting to come in. His hair is disheveled, maybe he's noticed it’s greying. Erwin finds himself staring at his eyes, exhaustion creeping in, growing more prominent as the weeks go on. Has it been a month? Two? Six. The edges of his eyes are red, bloodshot from fatigue. Maybe tears. He hears a voice, so sweet and sad, and his eyes dart to find it. He needs to, gripping the edge of the sink with desperation of a starved man in front of a banquet. From his left, in the mirror, he sees the source. Her long blonde locks are curled slightly, and she smiles at him sadly. Her eyes have no pupils. She doesn’t look clothed. “Erwin. . .” Her lips press into a sad line. Sad, sad, sad. She tugs on his wrist. “Aren’t you tired? Don’t you want to sleep? For me?” Her voice is so heavenly, it pulls on his heart strings. He so deeply misses her. He turns to her, slowly, making sure she doesn’t disappear like before. It’s happens before. Erwin swears he can see her sometimes, like watching a memory. He wouldn’t be able to handle it. He presses his lips to her cold forehead, muffling his voice, “I miss you.” She hums, turning. Her hand reattaches to his wrist, pulling him out of the bathroom and down the hall. “You’re so tired.” She practically drags him to his room, his body too heavy for her ghastly body. He feels like he’s starting to freeze over from her touch, but he doesn’t let go. Once in his room, the door shuts. It’s just them. Private. His hands snake along her frozen body, sighing. He misses every inch, he doesn’t want to forget every curve, dimple, and stretch mark. He feels like he’s caressing carved marble. “I miss you,” he repeats, and her cold fingers push his body back. He stumbles backwards before sitting. His hands are firmly on her hips. He needs this—he needs her. She smells like winter, and he can see a faint aura of cold condensation coming off her body. Erwin meets her pupil-less gaze. Her hands fix up his disheveled hair. She doesn’t look sad anymore, face flat. “I wish you could have loved me when I was alive. When it mattered the most,” she hisses quietly, and it sounds like the howling wind. Just like that, she’s gone, like all the other visits prior. The commander shuts his window. Once again, he cannot stop the tears that follow her leaving.

[writersplight]

A COMPARISON

AN: I feel I should include a content warning of some kind. There's nothing explicitly done wrong or said, but there is this hint at past bad sex experiences, and well as vague sex talk. ——— When Erwin talks, even if it’s directed at her, his words are chosen precisely. He could be talking to anyone really, and his words float through her like she’s air. It was never full conversations, just words floating from his mouth to her ears, with flat responses. There are hidden messages behind his words, and it takes learning how to decipher him to figure it out. Yet, they are forced and hollow. When Onyankopon talks, it's engaging. He’s fully listening to whatever she has to say, even if it’s nonsense, with questions and the perfect amount of eye contact. In return, she listens to all his facts about airplanes and zeppelins he has to offer. How can she not? His smile is so warm and inviting, she can’t help but sit down with a kettle of tea and hear him explain the mechanics of it all.

When Erwin would touch her, it would be quick, with specific purpose, and fleeting. Even when there were no meetings, no eyes on them except for the moon—completely devoid of life and love. It had to be initiated by him, whenever it was convenient for him. She’d be putty in his hands, though, soaking up every second. It was rare he had any semblance of “vulnerability” with her. Every touch was over way too soon, leaving her with an emptiness to deal with. She always pushed it down, making excuse after excuse for him. With Onyankopon, he listens. His touches are experimental, and he never does anything without asking. The first time they slept together, he reassured her that she wasn’t there for a quick, meaningless fuck. He just thought they should share a bed—he made some comment about how Ena mentioned cuddling earlier in the evening, but she refuses to acknowledge that as her full offer. That isn’t to mention the first time they had sex. She didn’t know the bedroom could be so. . . Satisfying. She was brought up on the idea that her life should be dedicated to pleasing a man in one way or another. The idea of actually living outside of that is a concept she only dreamt of when she ran away from home at the naive age of seventeen. Now, at almost thirty-nine years old, she’s faced with what she wants. And Ena’s never been so confused. At this point, her life is so much different than it was when she joined the Survey Corps at twenty-one. She had options beyond “kill the enemy and live another day”. Beyond “constantly prove how worthy you are”. Everything she wanted, and yet everything was so confusing. She kept expecting Onyankopon to snap and become impatient with her, or to up and leave altogether. But he didn’t. And he hasn’t. There’s no ultimatum with him. It’s always a fair and just compromise. At this point, laying awake at night, listening to him breathing, she realized how unfair it was to compare Erwin to Onyankopon. No one could compare to the openness he willingly shares with Ena. He’ll talk with her for hours about feelings and coping mechanisms, and if he does manage to step over a boundary, he sets time aside to fully hear her side, and to apologize. Rolling onto her side, Ena remembers the first time she initiated that she wanted to have sex with Onyankopon. She was really nervous “taking the lead”, but he was into it. He’s a hell of a listener, that’s for sure. It was a new territory for her, and he was always asking questions and for consent. There was a moment when she became hyper-aware of her surroundings, causing her to become still. That familiar stillness, the lifeless corpse of herself that was waiting for life to be pumped into it. She hated it. Suddenly, the pleasure was stimulating in all the wrong ways, and there was too much air in her lungs and not enough. “Is this—” “God, please stop!” His movements stopped immediately, concerned. She’s never shouted like that. She was never shaking like that. Or still. He pulls out, and gives her space. When Ena sits up, the room seems to turn with her in the middle. She didn’t know when Onyankopon left, or how the water got in her hands, or why she was crying so hard. She didn’t do anything wrong, but she held the guilt of every quiet woman in her bloodline. Onyankopon didn’t do anything wrong, but he did feel bad for not noticing sooner. Like most things in her life, her symptoms were quiet. They crept up on her, and she didn’t blame him. He put an arm under her, with permission, to help her sit up. He put a blanket around her. “I’m sorry, I don’t know what came over me,” she whispers, wiping her eyes with a handkerchief that was handed to her. “Did I hurt you in any way?” “What? Of course not! You’re so good to me, and you know what you're doing, I just—” Ena pauses, and her eyes drop to her hands because telling Onyankopon about her previous relationship was always so hard. She always felt bad for wanting better, due to the circumstances she was faced with before on the island. She made sure to clarify Erwin never

intentionally hurt her, and meant his best. Even still, he would focus on his own pleasure, and believe that if he was feeling good, so was Ena. Not true, but she restated that he didn't know, and she couldn't help because she didn't know how to please herself. Onyankopon nodded along, sipping his own glass of water. He didn't villainize her past "boyfriend"—in quotes because they were together, but they weren't able to slap an official label on it. Even still, he had to wonder why she put up with him for so long. “I don’t know why,” she admits quietly, and he realized he asked that out loud. He began to apologize, but she assured him there was no need. After all, she was beginning to wonder about herself. “I used to say ‘because I love him’, right? But now that I have freedom right now. . . I’m sure it was a form of love, but it’s nothing like what we have. I just feel bad for constantly bringing him up, Onyankopon. He’s just the only frame of reference I have.” “And maybe an unintentional source of trauma?” he wondered, and Ena shrugged. She knew that was right, but it was a lot to admit. She didn’t want to admit that about her dead boyfriend. “It seems to me that he’s the reason you’re hesitant all the time. I don’t mind it, you're open to talking through your problems, but I’m concerned as to why he’s still got a death grip on your decisions. . . No pun intended, I promise!” He sees how her face twists up with this visible guilt. He puts a hand on her thigh. “I could be in the wrong, it’s okay to tell me that—” “I know, but I don’t think you’re wrong. But I don’t want to complain about the life I had in Paradis. It feels. . . Wrong,” she finally looks back at him. Even in a moment like this, he was so goddamn pretty. “You can still love someone even though they’ve traumatized you. It’s nuanced, Ena. For a situation as complicated as yours, there will always be nuance.” He explains. “Yeah?” she turns to face her lover with a nervous smile. “So you’re not upset with me that I yelled at you to stop?” “Of course not! I could never be mad at that. I’m sorry I didn’t notice sooner.” She didn’t hold him in contempt, and told him that. She was just overstimulated in all the wrong ways. It happens sometimes. When he suggested relaxing for the rest of the night, she agreed. It started with a shower, where Onyankopon cleaned her hair so nicely. She used her lavender soap that he buys for her to wash his body, loving the idea that he’ll smell like her when he’s out and about in the morning getting groceries. Then he brewed some fancy tea blend bought from Levi’s shop, and they read some book Armin Arlert published, with in depth illustrations and diagrams by Jean Kirschtein. They go on explorations of other countries, studying various plant life and bugs. Weird, considering the ocean is bigger and far more interesting, but it was a good read nonetheless. And Ena totally didn’t slip and nearly cracked her head open when she stepped out of the shower. Nope. Onyankopon catching her and holding her close was merely him showing affection, and not caused by her slipping. It totally was, she’s just embarrassed. Months later, now, she rolls over to face him. He’s so sweet and patient with her. Not to say she isn’t patient with him, it’s just the first time that it isn’t stressful. Ena almost feels like she doesn’t deserve him. He understands her in a way that she’s never known—not to mention he can cook, clean, and understands that sometimes people just want alone time. Oh, and he loves taste-testing her experimental meals. As well as taking her flying on whatever complicatedly named airship he loves. And the way they pick each other’s brains. . . It’s sort of unfair to compare Erwin Smith to her current boyfriend. She can’t help it, she was raised in a society where comparing one another was supposed to be inspiration. Ena never felt inspired by having her hair, her eyes, her nose, her body, or her strength compared to someone else. It felt like an insult above all else. She knew, however, that Erwin liked

that challenge of trying to “best” someone, and that probably hasn’t changed since he died. Ena was okay with that.

[writersplight]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, ERWIN!

It was Erwin Smith's birthday. Ena was reminded every second of that fact. He made an announcement early this week not to throw a birthday in celebration. Of course, she had a plan to celebrate without breaking that rule. It has more to do with funds than not wanting to celebrate. It was the end of the night, and most have already said happy birthday. Not Ena. Despite being his girlfriend, she has carefully avoided him all day. It was easy, considering how she stayed up late the past few nights to make sure she was on top of her paperwork in order to be able to go out in the morning. She went to the market, getting extra sugar and butter for the icing she's going to be making. She spent a while getting everything together, using Levi to block the door so she wasn't interrupted. It took a lot of begging and promising to get him to do that for her---mainly, he wanted a slice of cake because he keeps his birthday a secret so he's never tasted what cake is like. After it was done cooling, and she decorated it, they made their way to Erwin's office. Levi just opens the door, relieved to see he was still working. He moves out of the way, while Ena comes in backwards. "Good evening, Erwin," she greets, turning and placing the small birthday cake down. He places a greeting kiss on her cheek. "And happy birthday." Usually, they end their days together, doing paperwork, but he'll let it slide for cake. Ena cuts Levi out a piece, and sends him on his way so they can be alone. He's happy to do so, knowing how nauseatingly lovey-dovey they can get. "Sorry for ignoring you all day. I just wanted to make sure this stayed a secret." She apologizes, pulling up a seat. He's still looking at the cake. Though it's rather small, it's so cute. And it looks delicious. He's so lucky. He reaches over, dragging her chair closing so he can side-hug her. "You're so nice to me," he mumbles into her hair. "Thank you. How'd you know I like plain vanilla icing?" "I didn't, it's the only icing I know how to make." Ena's face is red at the quick affection from her boyfriend. She forgets how soft he can be in private. He doesn't bother cutting a piece off, using his fork to taste. It was. . . So good! Possibly the best cake he's ever tasted. It's not often he gets cake, so he's grateful when he does. The commander takes another forkful off, turning to Ena. "Open," he directs, and she does, eating the forkful. She has to admit, it turned out well. It's a relief, knowing how shameful it would be if she fucked this up. They share the cake together, and the smaller blonde takes over his paperwork. It's basic monthly financials, something she's very familiar doing. "When's your birthday?" Erwin asks, with a certain sheepish aura, after swallowing another piece of cake. She rolls her eyes, turning her attention back to her boyfriend. He was still giddily digging at his small cake. She takes a napkin and wipes the little bit of frosting that has accumulated on the corner of his mouth, leaning against his desk. "It's at the end of February. Why? Do you have something in mind for me?" He pulls Ena onto his lap, looking over what she wrote for the financial plan, having nothing to correct. He hums, his chin resting on top of her shoulder. He cranes his neck to press another kiss to her cheek. "I might have a few ideas."

[writersplight]

THE FATHER IS A DEAD MAN

For: @elijahlittle A/N: This bitch took me so long to write. I will probably post more because I enjoy pain caused by Erwin Smith. Enjoy <3 ——— Ena’s dream for the longest time was to be a beloved mother and wife. She has been looking for a husband ever since she left home, the desire for her dream to come true burning within her. For years now, since joining the Survey Corps, it had been put on the back burner, always in the back of her mind. Unfortunately for her, she fell for the commander. Erwin Smith. A monster of a man to some, but to her—due to years of chipping away at his exterior walls in private—he had shown her some of his humanity. Deep, deep down below the veil of a commander was a human that she has risked it all for. In his own way, he has shown how fond he has grown of her, too. Like almost a month ago, when Ena entered his room to hand him some tea she made, and they shared a passionate night together. Ena never thought she'd get that far with the commander, so she cherished every moment She could have sworn he said something about loving her, but she didn’t ask. She held onto that like a lifeline. Through all the recent mornings of her getting sick and feeling nauseated, she thought: “He said he loved me, so I’m okay.” It was all worth it. With the betrayal of Reiner Braun and Bertholdt Hoover—the Armored and Colossal titan—and now news of the titans in the wall, and the Beast Titan, Ena was instructed to stay in Wall Sina and see a doctor. She didn’t argue, because she was growing concerned about being this sick in the morning. Also the increase in appetite. In hindsight, she should have known what was happening to her. However, that didn’t stop her from pulling him off to the side, and, though his eyes were distant, and he wasn’t the Erwin she knew then, she told him to “Hurry back alive”. The doctor confirmed it, after she waited for a few hours. Half of her dream was being achieved. She was going to be a mother. Only three weeks along, she could see her life unfold. Maybe this will be the thing that grounds Erwin, and ties him to her officially. Up until now, she was content with the privacy, with the late night whispers and touches. But now. . . She awaited them to come back, a nervous smile on her face that didn’t match the others. There were always injured soldiers, and reasons why missions extended passed what she was told. That was normal. Her light blue eyes wandered for the commander, going from distressed teen face to distressed teen face. Something was off, that was more than apparent. She grabs onto Levi and Hanji’s arms, searching for something in their faces. “Where’s Erwin? I have some news I have to break.” Ena’s voice is wobbly, seeing their face grow grim. She’s sitting at a table, where some cadets and Levi join her. Armin sits farthest away, at the end of the table, head leaning down. “Ena. . .” Hanji starts, but quickly stops, looking at the ground. There’s no point in crying, is there? Not all over again, after crying before. It’s not what’s expected of them now. As the 14th commander of the Survey Corps. . . “He’s dead.” Levi finishes, getting up for tea. He gets her some. She’s filled in on the mission, the basement, the whole Armin being chosen over Erwin. She’s silent, taking it all in. Her eyes wander to Armin, who won’t even look up. Her heart squeezes, not able to imagine the pressure he must feel. Still, she listens, holding back her own news and tears. It feels wrong to be happy about it now. “So. . . Armin was chosen over Erwin?” Levi nods, slowly, bringing his cup to his lips. She nods slowly, mulling over the information. To her, though she misses him, it makes sense. She manages a small smile, turning her head. “Armin, come here.” She instructs, and he does so instantly. She takes his hands in her own when he sits in the chair to her left. “I can’t imagine the pressure you’re under. Bertholdt’s memories, the Colossal titan’s powers, feeling like you were chosen over Erwin—it’s a lot for a boy. However, you are not Erwin. You are your own

person. Do not let Levi or Hanji pressure you into filling his shoes. You’re brilliant on your own.” He looks mortified. She sighs, moving her hair off her shoulders. “You must, instead, promise me one thing.” She holds out her pink finger. “You must be the opposite of Erwin Smith, got it? You cannot lose sight of your dreams or your own humanity, okay? Can you promise me that?” Tears well in his eyes, as he locks pinkies with her. It was a difficult promise, one that he will most likely break, but Ena was already prepared for that. It was okay for Armin to break this promise, because it was only made to take the pressure off of him at this moment. “Right, thank you.” She pulls away from the burdened cadet. She sighs, looking down at her tea. It was untouched. She didn’t want any of it. She licks her lips, swallowing what little tears she had. Clearing her throat, she makes her announcement. “I’m pregnant.” And the father is a dead man.

She cries on her own time. She’s not going to be the strong soldier she built herself up to be. She’s not going to have the support of a husband. Her child isn’t going to have a child. Ena cries harder at the thought. On the left side of the room, but in a separate quarters, Levi hears her. It’s not like he was sleeping anyways. He says nothing, sitting in the loss of a friend and the mourning from another. ——— It’s a boy. Ena smiles, holding it close to her body. It was a long nine months, but so worth it. Her baby boy, so small and fragile. Her baby boy. Half of her dream is still completed. He’s alive and healthy. “What are you going to name him?” Levi asks, peering down at the small baby. He looks disgusted, but that’s just his face. “I don’t quite know. I haven’t given it much thought.” she whispers, the exhaustion kicking in. She didn’t know birth was so painful, or this long. She’s been in labor for ten hours. But, she wouldn’t trade it for the world. She has her baby boy, her dream, in her hands. What was once thought of unattainable, was struggling in her clothed breasts, peacefully sleeping. “What about ‘Erwin’—junior, of course,” Hanji suggests, and the mere thought of it made her clutch her baby closer to her chest. “If they share the same name,” she slowly says, continuing to mull it over, “will they have to share the same fate? Would I have to watch my son become desensitized to deaths he caused—to my own love? Would I have to watch him throw away his life, while I’m on the sidelines?” The blonde didn’t realize she was crying until Levi held out a handkerchief. She takes it, wiping her face haphazardly. Her eyes pierce the new commander, who gulps. “That’s not—” “No one can live up to his name, his selfish selflessness. I will give him a different name, and he’ll forge his own path.” She says, with finality, and Hanji nods, going to leave. Unlike Erwin, they could not stand awkward situations they made, and refused to sit in them. “I have thought about it,” Ena whispers, stopping them, “but look at him. My beautiful baby boy is part of me, too. It’s one thing to lose a lover that was barely yours, it’s another to lose your baby boy to a name he knows nothing of. . . I don’t want to rob him of any opportunities he has to be a regular boy.” They nod, leaving. Levi sighs, sitting back. Through everything, he’s still here. For some reason. It’s as confusing as it is comforting. Soon, the cadets come, amazed by the little baby. They were polite and quiet—those who got rowdy were threatened by Levi—and she handed her baby off to be held one by one. When it got to the last person, Connie, it had to be taken from him. He was crying hysterically for some reason, and his hands were shaky and unstable. He returned later, with flowers and an apology. “You’re going to apologize for crying, but not tell me why?” Ena jokes, shifting up in her bed. She was still sore and tired, but was restless. Her baby was sleeping in a cradle next to her. “Right, uhm—” he sits down, wiping his hands on his pants. “Sorry. He just—whatever his name is—he reminded me of when my youngest brother was born. I miss my family.” “Ah. . .” was all Ena said, leaning over to put her hand over one of Connie’s. Her eyes searched for the younger cadet’s, getting all the information she needed. Now that she was a mother, she could read people slightly better. It’ll only get stronger as he grows up. “Then I think you have a dream similar to mine. For different reasons. I had a bad, distant family, so I wanted to make one who was close. For how you act, I assume you had a close family.” The buzzcut teen nods, a deep frown on his lips. “You’ll find someone. Right now isn’t the best time, you’re still young, but it’ll come.” She advised, before pointing towards her baby. “That baby boy right there, should be enough motivation. You’ve got a big heart, Connie, I don’t doubt you’ll achieve your dreams.” He nods, and says something about how late it is, that they both need their beauty sleep. Ena stops the teen

soldier before he leaves, pointing to her son again. Her smile never falters. “His name is Ezran.” ——— It’s hard raising a baby and being in the Survey Corps, but she manages it as best as she can. What makes it easier is that everyone adores Ezran. He’s a bundle of joy, with an insatiable appetite for knowledge. Just like Erwin. In fact, he looks a lot like his father. Shares most of the same features. But his eyes. . . They’re a pale, dull blue just like Ena’s. Everything else is a copy of Erwin—as Hanji has said. Internally, she has agreed with them, but she refuses to say it is allowed. Ezran shouldn’t be compared to someone he doesn’t know. He doesn’t need that invisible pressure. Though, she hasn’t withheld stories of Erwin’s. . . accomplishments. She loves him, but she’s sure not to paint him in too good a light. He was immoral at times, and made their personal relationship rocky and uncertain, but a four year old didn’t need to know that. He just needed to know his dad was a hero before he was a man, and made raids like this possible. She stayed away from the fight, with Hanji and Onyankopon. She rocked Ezran, who was dozing off. He was such a sleepy baby, despite everything. He saw his first death tonight. Two little kids hopped onto the aircraft, and the smaller one shot Sasha. The commotion spooked Ena, and she ran to check. She couldn’t cover her son’s eyes in time. He saw Sasha’s limp body and everyone crying. He cried, too, much to his mother’s surprise. She expected him to gravely look down upon the dead body as if it meant nothing. It was in these minutes that she forgot her son was not his father. He still had his humanity. She held her son as he cried over his lost friend. Ena cried for another reason. ——— It’s all over. Eren sacrificed himself, and there are no more titans. Ezran and Ena are alive. Levi is alive. Hanji is not. It’s okay. Well, no, it’s actually not okay. Eren committed a mass genocide in seconds, leaving only a handful of people alive. She could rationalize it, however, because her baby boy was still alive. Though he had no intentions of killing him off, Ena recalled begging Eren on her knees in Paths to spare his life. “I don’t—he’s going to live,” Eren says, a promise in his tone. The blonde mother erupts in a new set of tears, pulling him into a hug. She couldn’t forgive him for that distanced, god complex he developed to trick Zeke, but this was a step in the right direction. “Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!” she chants, eyes blurry from the tears. If she couldn’t have Erwin, then she wanted her son. That’s all she remembers. But when it was wall over, the first thing she felt was Erzan running towards her with tears in his pale eyes. He couldn’t have understood this. She just reassures him that he’s okay, and that it’s all over now, though her leg is missing. It was chopped off before everyone went titan mode. She was okay with it being gone. Her son was okay, that’s all that mattered. She’ll explain it later, and as many times as he needs her to. But not in this moment, where she smiles and kisses his cheeks, mentally thanking Eren for being alive. Ezran is six years old. They live with Levi. He’s mainly confined to a wheelchair, so he needs help. With the help of Armin, Connie, and Jean, Ena was made a wooden prosthetic that is strapped to her hip. Her leg hurts most days, but she does her best to stay out of a wheelchair herself. Her son is so chatty, and he reads with an aptitude that even Armin can barely keep up with. His mind is a sponge, soaking up any information he can get his hand on. “Mama! I finished ‘A Wrinkle in Time’!” he called to her, holding out his copy. She wasn’t even halfway done. They talk about it, and she lets him spoil the ending for her, not wanting to stop his excitement. He looked so happy reciting his favorite parts of the book, she didn’t have the heart to stop him. “Mama, what are we going to read next?” She taps her chin, before shrugging. “We’ll ask Armin when he visits us later. I think it’s lunch time.” He

grabs her hands, pulling her into the kitchen. Ena puts her son on the counter so he can help. He stands, when her back is turned, and he nearly falls. She manages to dive and catch him at the last minute. She sighs, glad her reflexes are still working, before she begins tickling her son. “Be more careful, bug! You could have gotten hurt!” He squeals, trying to run from her. Pushing away from her didn’t stop her, and he couldn’t run far from her. He grabbed the first thing blindly, and pulled, not seeing until the last second it was her necklace. He gasps, looking down at the locket. He stops, prying open the heart. It was a picture of an older man, who looks just like him. It was the smallest drawing he’s ever seen. “Is this. . .” “Yeah, that’s your dad. Erwin Smith.” Ena sighed. Even with Ezran around, who looks like the spitting image of him, she still misses him. Sometimes, when she goes to bed at night, she dreams of Erwin meeting his son, and how happy he would be to see Ena’s dream. Once, she dreamed they got married, with little Ezran as the ring bearer. . . She sniffed, pulling Ezran onto her lap. She held him close, like letting him go would mean losing him forever. He didn’t seem to mind today, eyes on the locket. From what he could tell, it was drawn by that Horse Guy, whatever his name was. Gene, or Janet—it was hard to pronounce for the little guy. It was nice. For a moment, he thought: If I was like him, would Mama stop crying? It was only a whisper, before he turned to her with a question. “Can we go visit his grave today, mama? I need him to hear about the books I’ve read!” She thinks it over. When was the last time they both visited? Ena goes every other Saturday, but she only brings their son on rare occasions. With a content sigh, she nods. “Okay. We’ll go after Armin visits, okay?” She stands, offering him a hand. “Now, what did you want for lunch today, Ezran?”

[writersplight]

AN HONOR

Ena never really gets a lot of time alone like this with Miche Zacharias. She doesn’t need to, job-wise, and it isn’t demanded of her to be buddy-buddy with him. And she doesn’t have a secret motive, like a perverse crush on the mysterious man. Still, she finds herself, when they do have moments alone together, speaking her inner thoughts aloud. He has an aura of trustworthiness that compels her. It’s not often she gets the chance to be completely honest. Miche seems to welcome it, and the smaller blonde trusts him. This time, she hadn’t said much. The taller scout leader had gotten so used to her spoken inner turmoil filling the silence, that he almost felt the need to say something. He was a man of few words, all super calculated. He worried he had done something to disturb their weird relationship. He didn’t. When she packed up, done with her late night paperwork, still smiling. “I didn’t have much to say today, sorry. But. . . I wanted to thank you. You know me more than anyone else here. It’s a good feeling. Not only that, but to know I’m not judged for who I am.” She takes her leave, pausing in the doorway. There’s an inner debate, a hesitation. No, she’s calculating. “If you ever need anything, you know where to find me, Miche.” He nods, and wishes her goodnight. When they speak next, Miche is the first one to engage. He holds out something carefully wrapped in a napkin. “Erwin mentioned you liked the banana bread, but often miss it. Here.” She takes it, muttering her gratitude, before digging in. It was only an hour later, when she finds him again. He is overlooking Keith Shadis training the cadets from his assigned post, questions waiting impatiently on her tongue. “So. . .” She begins quietly, leaning over, “how often does Erwin mention me?” There was a certain look that he briefly sent Ena. He almost smiles, because he knows all too well about the crush she has on the commander. He’s joked in the past about it being inappropriate, but he didn’t mean it. They were both adults, Erwin being slightly older by a few years. “He mentions you at times.” Too vague for the smaller blonde’s liking, shown by her cute little pout, but she was still pleased. Miche waits a beat before adding, “He seems to keep notes on your emotions, and your likes. Do with that what you will.” She nods slowly, her eyes still on the training scouts. It was strange to see the “infamous” Eren Jaeger training, but at least he wasn’t paired up with Jean Kirschtein. Those two have been known to have clashing egos that get in the way of their sparring sessions. She sees how each pairing can improve. For instance, it’s way too obvious Mikasa Ackerman lives for Eren Jaeger. There’s nothing wrong with being inspired to live by someone, as Ena operates similarly, having issues living for herself. However, she is easily distracted by Eren getting hurt. It is a small, fatal flaw that Ena can identify within seconds. On the other hand, there’s someone like Connie Springer, who naturally holds back. In the way he moves and strikes—it’s like he’s afraid to hurt someone. Even in battle, there’s moments where he hesitates a beat too long before striking the titan down. That could result in someone dying or injured. She almost says something, but it isn’t her place. It’s Keith’s job, and he isn’t the one to work with an individual’s strengths and weaknesses, just wanted everyone to focus on doing the task with the correct form and strength. That’s how most army generals operate in his position. She remembers when she was first training, seven years ago, and she would whimper every time he yelled at her. She hates confrontation; having just run from that in Wall Sina. Now she can see how important that was. It was less about her personal self esteem, and more about preparing her to get used to the loud noise other people make during missions. She’s grateful, and can be fond of those memories now. There’s a tap on her shoulder, and she turns, seeing Miche gesture behind them. It’s Captain Levi, who whistled like a disappointed but

lazy dad for their attention. “He’s calling for you,” Miche says, and she gives a quick nod before rushing over. She was quick on her feet, knowing the shorter male wasn’t the one who wanted her. He was more of a messenger for the commander when he wasn’t spinning like some sort of metal top to kill titans.

“Levi, is there anything I—” “Captain,” he corrects. Ah, so this must be serious. She corrects herself after a quiet apology. “. . . Did I do anything wrong?” They pause at Erwin’s door. It was a bit of a walk, but they both sped walk like it was urgent. “I’m not sure. He didn’t say.” She thanks him, sucking in a breath as she pushes his office door open. He was going over something in a folder, not looking up until the doors closed behind her. She salutes him. “Ena Bristol, you were not at your post.” “My post? I wasn’t given direct orders to stand anywhere, Commander.” He didn't meet her gaze, eyes buried in the documents on his desk. “Yes you were. You should have been standing outside my office, preventing any of the military police from coming in until two.” He explains, eyes flickering up for the briefest second. “Isn’t it Levi’s job to be your guard dog?” Maybe she was a tad out of line saying that. In any other situation, he might have laughed. But he was playing his stupid little mind game with her. This was the only way he knew how to get alone time with the shorter blonde. He’s been transfixed on her as of late, wanting an excuse to see her more. “I don’t understand this act. You’re a cadet, and yet you act above it all.” “I ‘act above it all’? Sir, may I speak freely?” He doesn’t answer her, so she sighs before continuing. “To be fair, I’m older than the 104th. I’ve been fighting for seven years, so forgive me if I act ‘above it all’, but don’t forget to take some of the blame. You put me in a position where I almost operate as a financial officer, but you keep me on this line where I can only taste the beginning of my job.” “Oh?” He looks up, cocking his eyebrow. Something hits Ena, and she realizes something. This is a set up to this little daytime game he plays. He used to play his little mind game with Levi, if memory serves her right, but now it’s on her. She pockets that thought for now. “This game of yours is exhausting. You know, Commander, you don’t need to pretend to yell at me to talk to me, right? People may get the wrong impression of me. That I’m ‘insubordinate’.” “And you're not?” She covers her face with her hand to laugh. Something about Erwin makes it hard to be mad at him forever. He sighs, sitting back some. Today’s game is over, and he’s retreating. “You’re right, though. Apologies for wasting your time. I did, however, mean to send out that your post was in front of my office, and I will take full responsibility. In the meantime, shall we discuss your future position as a financial officer?” Ena was surprised how easy that was. She pulls up a seat, beginning to ask about her job. While the smaller blonde was off, probably flirting her way out of a fake argument with the commander, Miche had time to think. Not that he couldn’t think with Ena there, but his post changed. He could sit down, with a drink, and think over everything. She was going to come back, a story in hand, and probably ask for advice. “Something, something, taking life by the balls,” she’d say. He sighs, pushing that aside for battle plans for his squad. Erwin reviewed them, making any edits he felt necessary. He looks at the notes closely, thrown off for a second. “Act like you’re intercepting, but continuing riding until you circle back to the collective group.” It occurs to him he’s heard those exact notes. But who said them? And, furthermore, didn’t that start an argument? Wait. That’s what Ena said, verbatim, and it didn’t start an argument. It sparked a very interesting back and forth between her and Cadet Arlert. He remembers leaving with a headache because of how loudly passionate she got with the cadet, firing different tactics back and forth. He can recall the fire that was brewing in Erwin Smith’s eyes, studying the two blondes without saying much. He had this creepy look in his eyes, especially towards the end, where his eyes were only on Ena speaking freely and excitedly. It’s been years since he’s looked so passionate at someone. Heh. . . Oh no. They both like each

other. Great. That means everyone will have to bear witness to them pussy-footing another their feelings while blatantly flirting. . . Dammit, he didn’t want to get anymore involved, but if Ena’s going to start talking about him more, it’s going to become annoying. He pinches the bridge of his nose, pulling himself out of his emotions. He needs to be tactical and sneaky, while carefully choosing his words. If he does that right, maybe getting Nanaba in on it too, he can expedite the process. As if on cue, Ena Bristol barges into his office with a folder. She’s beaming, and demands they talk if he’s not too busy. Curious, he let’s her sit down and say what she needs to say. “Miche, I finally am getting cleared! I’m going to be the first in-regiment female financial advisor! All those times I checked over the wrong crunched numbers are no longer! It’s official.” She announces with excitement. Miche wonders, briefly, if he’s the first she’s told. It’s a sweet thought, but he doesn’t ask. “In the past, we’ve hired men from outside the regiment to come in and crunch the numbers, but they’ve always been off. I’ve proven myself to be able to do the math, and I’m saving the Survey Corps hundreds by doing so.” He tilts his head to the side. “How so?” “It always costs us hundreds in coins to hire an advisor from the capital. The men there are begging for work, but also want to be compensated like kings. But with me, I get a ten coin pay raise, thus directing more money into what we actually need to do. Research, food, cadet clothing—did you know Cadet Springer has been sleeping on a broken bed since the Battle of Trost? Now we can finally get him a new bed!” Ena’s hands move as she talks. She’s not randomly gesturing, it’s like she can’t stop them from flapping about. It’s cute how excited and into her job she is. Admirable, too. “I’m glad you’re actually invested in your job.” He says, simply, and the shorter blonde is back to beaming happily. “Thank you! I’m sorry for firing off at the mouth, I just wanted you to be the first one I told. That’s what the meeting with Erwin was about.” Miche presses his lips into a small smile, his heart warmed by the information. Despite their job, which causes them to risk their lives, it was nice to find solace in moments like this—pure moments in time where death was not on the mind, where they can be friends. It was rare. Well, memory says so, but the human brain is literally programmed to hold onto bad memories, so who’s to say if peaceful moments are truly rare? “I’m surprised. I thought you were going to talk about Commander Erwin the whole time.” Okay, maybe that was too bluntly said. Regardless, Ena laughs. “Nah. . . What good is it boring you? Besides, I’m not going to pursue him. I already hear rumors of how I slept with him to get where I was before. I don’t like how people think I’m just some common slut instead of what I am—a soldier.” She sighs, and he feels guilty for bringing the topic up. “I don’t think you’d be a common slut if you pursue him. Who knows. . . Maybe it’s worth it.” Ena tilts her head to the side, a small smile on her face. Even when she constantly annoys him with gossip she’s heard and questioning his group’s strategies, he’s still a good friend. It makes her feel warm, even if she knows she’ll never be able to thank him properly for all the help he’s provided. “Good to know you think I’m not just some common slut.” He puts his hands up in defense. “Hey, everyone knows what you did to that one Garrison official—” “It was for the good of the Survey Corps—you know that!” She shouts, cutting him off. She stands, raising her folder to hit him playfully over the head. Just then, there’s a knock on the door. Commander Erwin, Captain Levi, and Hanji Zoe walk in. They stiffen into a salute, which is met with the commander telling them to rest. “It’s dinner. I was wondering if you two would show your faces with the rest of the veterans. Unless,” he backtracks, glancing between Ena and Miche with this look that wasn’t quite skepticism or

jealousy, but an angry mixture of the two, “we’re interrupting something?” “Not at all, sir. We’ll be happy to join you for dinner.” “Is Nanaba joining?” Miche asks. Ena turns to him, not even concealing the smug smirk on her face. She knows those two are an unofficial couple, and she supports their relationship wholeheartedly. “Yes, she’s there.” “What are we waiting for? Let’s go!” Hanji shouts, turning and practically running towards the mess hall. Ena and Erwin stay back, watching. When they’re alone, they begin walking. The commander clears his throat, looking forward. His question was too awkward for him to look her in the eyes. He was true enough with himself to know when he’s a coward, but proud enough not to admit it allowed. “May I inquire about the closeness between you and Squad Leader Miche Zacharius?” “You’re asking to ask?” the smaller blonde snorts, rolling her eyes. “He’s one of my best friends. I know it’s hard for you to tell, but we’re not dating. He’s after Nanaba. But he won’t tell me if they’re dating or not.” “They’re engaged.” Ena stops, gasping. Erwin halts at her side, even though he could keep walking. It was an excuse to be near her, and to get more alone time with her. “That rat! How have they both kept that from me? I went to both of them for love advice. I gave both of them love advice.” “Maybe he couldn’t find the right time to tell you? I’m sure they wanted to. You’re a close-knit group.” They both start walking again. “Maybe. Or, maybe they were scared I was going to be loud about it. They are quiet people, and I know I’m intense.” “I like that you’re intense.” “Well, you surround yourself with intense people already. I’m sure one more impassioned person makes no difference.” “What do you mean?” “You’re close with Hanji Zoe, Captain Levi, and Miche Zacharius. They’re all intense. Captain Levi and Miche specifically in battle. Seeing those two take down titans is like watching a magic show in Wall Sina.” She explains, gesturing lazily and mindlessly. The commander has never stood and watched a magic show in Wall Sina, but he doesn’t question her about it; he’s sure she’s right. He trusts her judgement more than he knows. “I suppose. But you’re not too intense. Whatever passion you bring to the table is admirable. I like seeing you all. . . is ‘fired up’ a good turn of phrase to use? It’s inspiring to see, which is why I let you and Cadet Arlert go back and forth last week. Two passionate strategists going back and forth with new but informed tactics. . . Sorry, you’re probably tired of me going on about work.” Erwin cuts himself short, politely. Ena’s eyes turn away from the commander, cheeks rosy with blush. She’s not used to being complimented like that from her superior. She is beside herself with glee. Just then, from the end of the split corridor, she hears her name. Her head spins, seeing some of the 104th cadets. “Miss Ena—” They see Erwin with her and still, saluting. “Uhm—” He laughs it off. “At ease.” He turns to her. “I guess you won’t be joining us for dinner?” “Sorry. Maybe another time?” she offers, and he nods. Her hand touches his arm, reassuringly. “We can continue talking tonight if I catch you, okay? See you later, Commander.” He watches the newly appointed financial officer join the cadets, engaging herself in whatever childish conversation they were all having. He makes notice of how motherly she is to them, even if she’s scolding them. As he turns to join his friends in the mess hall, he can’t help but wonder what she’d be like with a child of her own. The thought was stupid and selfish; he couldn’t possibly claim Ena like that. Dating isn’t discouraged, but it’s sad when in the Survey Corps. Not to mention the burden of being with a commander. Even still. . . Seeing her with someone else, letting someone else claim someone he’s interested in again. . . Sitting down at the veterans table, he sighs internally. So much to consider. “Where’s Ena?” “The cadets piqued her interest before we got down here.” Erwin answers,

simply. The smaller male makes an annoyed sound. “I just wanted to know if she likes tea.” He huffs, grabbing his cup from the top. Miche speaks up, from the end of the table. “She does, but you won’t like how she takes it.” Levi scoffs. “What, does she take it with a bunch of sugar?” “No, she had it with milk and honey. Sometimes sugar, too, if she needs to stay up.” His face reflects nothing but disgust. Milk and honey? Fine, depending on the tea. But also with sugar? . . . He supposed if she only does it to help her stay up, he can’t blame her too much. Still, it doesn’t beat pure tea by itself. Ena finds herself outside the commander’s office. She feels bad for declining the dinner invitation. Especially since she was so adamant about saying yes. Even still, she didn’t know if it was “proper” to be outside, awaiting him like this. Just then, her best friend rounds the corner. Miche Zacharias in the flesh. “Good evening, Miche.” She kept her voice low, stepping carefully away from the door. She doesn’t want Erwin to know she’s been pacing outside of it, mustering up the courage to talk to him. Her taller friend did not engage in such dances. “You should see him. He didn’t talk much during dinner, but I bet he wanted you there.” She nods quietly. Miche walks past her, turning in for the night. She stops him before he gets too far. “You’d tell me if you and Nanaba were official, right? That’s how close we are?” His lips slide into a small smile. Such a shy tone for someone so unabashedly themself. This Erwin situation has certainly done a number on her. All should be behind her after tonight. “Of course.” A beat passes. “We’ve been engaged for two weeks. You’re the first person I told.” Ena smiles, wishing him a good night. It feels good to have a friend to run to with good news, or to encourage. Once he leaves the corridor, she sucks in a breath and knocks on Erwin’s door. He is at the door in seconds, opening it and welcoming her in. “Financial advisor, what brings you here this late? Have any inquiries about next month’s budget?” He steps aside so she can enter. She does, slowly, taking it all in. When she was in her earlier, she was more concerned about fighting for her position than to admire the interior decoration. “You should have seen this office before I became commander. It was a lot more bland. Like a holding cell.” She nods along slowly to what he says, her finger absently running along the books. It’s no surprise that there’s no dust. Erwin chooses to be friends with the Captain Levi, so his office must be spotless. While her eyes wander, Erwin sits down and watches her. From what he can tell, she’s not analyzing him critically. She’s not analyzing him at all, in fact, because she’s thinking about what to say. Her lips part, “Sorry to come here so late. I want to apologize for bailing on your dinner invitation. I didn’t expect the cadets to have taken up that much time, I—” “You don’t need to apologize. I’m not offended. It’s admirable how the cadets have all taken a liking to you. You’re like their stand-in mother. They all need that.” The advisor’s face turns beet red, and she makes her way to his desk. She puts her hands on the desk, leaning over. Despite her red face and his status, she doesn’t hesitate to tease him. “Do you walk around and make note of all the female soldiers and their ability to be maternal? Or do you have some sort of obsession with me?” Erwin made sure to keep his eyes on her face while she taunts him, trying to convince himself that this still can be a professional conversation, but he couldn’t help but dip his gaze a little lower when she glances away. He wasn’t quick enough, however, because he was caught. He swallows dryly, realizing he’s played right into her game. “You can stand to be a bit less obvious, Commander.” He���s used to having the name spat at him with all the poison in the world, but the way Ena practically purred the title made him adjust in his seat. All words have left his mind, leaving him red and speechless. “What’s on your

mind?” Her feigned innocence has him swallowing. Maybe it was just him? He was just imagining her tone change, and making this all awkward? Even if he was, he couldn’t go back. In fact, his feelings were incredibly hard to push down. Maybe it was because it was late, and the tension in the room was poisoning his brain. He gathers some words, watching as she walks around the side of his desk. She leans against the desk, crossing her arms over her chest. “I want to try something. It’s. . . unprofessional of me, however. My position. . . it could look like I’m taking advantage of—” “You? Unprofessional?” She briefly leans closer to him, her tone oozing playful sarcasm. “Never.” Her face softens. She’s not going to tease him. “Sorry, I couldn’t help but tease you when your face gets like that. Please continue. What did you want to try?” Erwin’s hands reach up to touch his face, feeling the warmth radiating off of his cheeks. All because of her, his brand new financial advisor. He clears his throat, his eyes tracing the floorboards. “I do wonder, though, if you would think lowly of me if I told you that I have yet to. . .” He shakes the thought from his head. “Ena, if I may, I would like to kiss you. I want to know what it feels like.” He’s never seen her face go so red. All her movements still, her face drops from prideful to surprised. She swallows, and moves closer. The commander doesn’t hesitate to grab her arm to yank her closer, their faces hovering inches from each other. He scans her face, taking in the laughing marks and the contrasting bags under her eyes. Her perfect blue eyes, her hooked nose, and finally, her lips. Currently she’s biting them, nervous, as one of Erwin's hands travels to her nape. It rests there comfortably, while the other is on her hip. She cannot fully comprehend what is happening, sure this is a hallucination of some kind. Then he pulls her in, from the hand on her neck, and kisses her. It’s so gentle and soft, unlike anything she could imagine. Their eyes open slowly, she can’t help but smile. Today is full of wins, and her getting Erwin to herself is the cherry on top of her promotion. “I don’t want anyone else to have you,” he admits, quietly. The hand from her nape leaves to cup her face. “I’m so fond of you, but I will get you killed.” “It would be an honor,” Ena breathes, laying into his touch, “to die by your command, my love.”

[writersplight]

LOVE ME IN DEATH

A/N: I wanted to toy with the idea of Ena moving on before she was "in too deep". Apologies. ——— “I’ve decided something,” Ena said with finality, breaking the silence she was sharing with her commander. It was rare that anyone could convince him to break away from his busy schedule. She assured him it wouldn’t be far, and be less than an hour. It’s been more than that, but she wouldn’t say it. She likes hanging out with him. It was obvious to everyone why, so she laid in the clean grass, looking at the clouds above with him. He hums, eyes on the sky, not looking over.

“I’ve decided it’s okay if you don’t love me now. It would be stupid ask that of you.” “I never said—” Ena shakes her head, looking over at Erwin. He sat up and looked over, confused. She mirrored him, her arms holding her up. “You don’t love me, Erwin. I know that now. You can’t love me; you don’t know what that is. I can’t even teach you. You’ve already dedicated your heart. And, I’m letting you know that I accept that.” There’s a pause, where she looks away to the sunset, and all her best features are covered with a lovely orange glow. Her blue eyes, her wavy hair, her lips, her everything; illuminated by the setting sun. Her lips form a soft smile, and Erwin doesn’t realize he’s staring. “You can’t love me now. But you’ll love me in death, as that is when you have time.” Another silence. Erwin couldn’t deny her. She was right; he didn’t know what love was. He spent most of his life dedicated to the Survey Corps, climbing the ranks with humanity’s best interest in mind. He didn’t have time to learn about love—not properly. There was a time, where he did feel the giddiness of love like everyone did, but that woman is married now. He can admire Ena, but his mind is always elsewhere. It’s not the dedicated love she desires, and it was cruel of him to string her along. At first, he can admit, it was fun. A new experience. But the act has grown stale, now it’s just a dead horse to beat. It’s no longer fun for him. “Sorry.” Erwin felt he had to apologize, not knowing what to say. The squad leader shakes her head, standing. “Don’t apologize, you’ll tarnish my efforts! I’m trying to be mature here.” “I suppose you are far more mature than when you first joined the Survey Corps.” She hums, a short sad sound. Part of her hoped he would have tried to convince her he was capable of loving her. As always, she fooled herself. “I am. We should head back. We both have duties we’ve been ignoring.” It’s the first time Ena suggested they go back. It was always Erwin who would jump at the chance to get back. Now, he was watching her go, like she did so many times before. He couldn’t explain it, but as she disappeared into her squad’s barrack, he felt this disappointing feeling wash over him. He was expecting more. Of what, he’s not sure. All he knew is that he was disappointed that she was moving on, even if it was the right move.