#oc x canon / self insert healing me one post at a time

[luv-indigo]

drawing something soooo self indulgent. im gonna implode

(wip)

[beebubb]

My creepypasta AU! I really wanted to make my own creepypasta world where i can come up with ideas for the characters as to designing and coming up with their personalities and other stuff!

But before I describe my AU/world here are a few things I want to mention first

1. Some of these ideas are inspired by vivziepop, snuffbomb(I do not support what he did in the past, I just like the characters from the comic Creeps), and pastamonsters

2. There are ships that I will include with my OCs but it DOESN'T mean that I'm one of those fangirls that are like "BEnY iS mInE aNd nO oNe eLsE CaN hAvE him!!" and go after other fans! I respect if you ship yourself or your own characters with the same pasta that I like or if you like someone else! Also I might post some headcanons later on that will be based off of my AU and also I might do those Y/N x *insert your creepypasta love interest here* later on as well! So if you like this and wanna ask something or request something later on you can!

3. You don't have to completely like or agree with every single thing I write or make in my AU! This is just for my entertainment and for others!

4. This is includes demonology so I have like princes/kings/Dukes etc of hell so yes that does mean I include stolas but it is not the same stolas from helluva boss (made by vivziepop)

5. The entities I mention that are part of Demonology, each have their purpose as well.

OK now that I got that out of the way here is a bit of my AU!

The world is divided into 3, which is the earth world, underworld, and hell. What's the difference?

Earth world: this is the normal human world, where people like us exist etc

Underworld: this is where all monsters and killers live and exist (I was inspired by this part by the Creeps comic sense I really liked the concept of having an underworld for killers to live at)

Hell: this is where prince's, queens, kings, princesses, of hell exist. So pretty much rulers of hell.

What happens in the underworld?

(this was also inspired by Creeps) in the underworld it is kind of like the earth world, but of course like I mentioned before, this is where killers exist and all that.

The difference is pretty much what you do, what you can study for, what you do for work, and lifestyle.

What can you study for and work for in the underworld?

Here you can study for careers like morticians, hitman, bounty killers, professional stalkers, and killer apprentices(can also be known as studying to be a proxy), or a demon's apprentice (what you dedicate for is depending the demon you decide to work for)

There are also normal jobs of course, like surgeon, CEO, entrepreneur, and pathologist.

What's the difference between hell and the underworld?

In the underworld it is pretty much normal people that became killers, ghosts, etc.

In hell, only royalty and rulers live there.

Who are in hell?

Queen: lilith

Kings: bael, paimon, asmodeus, purson, belial, viné, balam, zalgo, zagan

Dukes: amduscias, Agares, eligos, astaroth, valefar, barbatos, gusion, zepar, bathin, saleos, aim, buné, berith, focalor, vepar, vual, crocell, allocer, murmur, gremory, vapula, flauros, dantalion.

Princes: vassago, sitri, ipos, gaap, stolas, orobas, seir, beelzebub, lucifer, slenderman (he is zalgo's son here)

Marquises: gamigin, aamon, leraje, naberius, ronové, forneus, marchosias, phenex, sabnock, shax, orias, andras, andrealphus, kimaris, decarabia.

Earls: furfur, malthus, raum, bifrons, andfomalius

Knights: furcas

President: barbas, buer, botis, morax, glasya-labolas, foras, malphas, haagenti, camio, ose, Amy, valac.

How can you get to the underworld?

There are a few ways that you can get to the underworld which are

1. You get brought by a demon from hell or by slenderman himself (very common and popular way). This usually happens once the underworld would be a much better place for you (for example, for Ben drowned he was brought to the underworld by slenderman after he died sense well he's a ghost now and was literally part of a hunted legend of Zelda video game so he was basically a bit of a poltergeist)

2. If you have any background with a killer that already lives in the underworld that was or is still related to you, you can also be brought to the underworld (kind of like when will Grossman was brought to the underworld and Isaac was looking for him (Isaac was his great great great grandpa I think))

3. Once your time has come to be in the underworld, you'll be teleported here, if you are dying then you would just wake up here, and if you are still conscious, you'll black out and get teleported.

What happens once you get to the underworld? Do you change?

Not much is changed, you still have the same personality and physical appearance that you had when you were in the underworld, the only physical change varies depending on how you died or why you came to the underworld (kind of like hazbin hotel and helluva boss, that depending on how you died you get left a mark that shows) or depending on what you did to yourself, a few examples are these:

-Jeff the killer: sense he killed his family and cut a smile on to his face, then when he's in the underworld, that smile does become permanent and a part of him, so it won't heal like a normal cut

-amari (my OC) didn't do anything to herself like Jeff did, but she was just power hungry and thrill seeking out of killing, so sense she has no self inflicted physical marks, once she came to the underworld, she had a skull in the iris of her eye (this kinda came out of the "the eyes are the Window to the soul" thing, and sense she literally wanted the death of others, she had a skull on her eye)

What pastas will I include? (if you are interested in having me do a y/n x creepypasta thing and you wanna know who I am including then this list is for you!)

-Jeff the killer

-Ben drowned

-Jane the killer

-Will grossman

-laughing jack

-nina the killer

-hoodie/Brian (I won't include marble hornets so here hoodie/Brian are the same, same goes for masky/Tim)

-masky/timothy

-sherry(my OC)

-eyeless jack

-slenderman

-ticci toby

-amelie/lady(my OC)

-amari(my OC)

-clockwork

-Damien (my OC)

-hobo heart

-offenderman

-splendor

-puppeteer

-zalgo

Info of the demons

They all have different personalities, morals, and different beliefs. So just because they are demons, it doesn't mean everyone is evil (except for zalgo, he's an evil mf)

-Some of them teach at the institution or schools

-they can make deals with anyone from the earth world and underworld

-sometimes they can take someone under their wing when they see potential in them

-Some of them have businesses, safe houses, proxies, etc just like slenderman

-sometimes they hire hitmen, bounty killers, and stalkers

Well that's it for now! I hope you like this concept I made!and like I said, I this is just for fun! Nothing of this is Canon for the original creators of the pastas or other characters, it's just something I made for my own entertainment and others!

[the-lightest-shadow]

Tell me about your ocs!

I got two people actually say they want it and a few more liking the post so here we go, in no particular order:

Takashi Shimizu

Male

His quirk allows him to change the pressure of water, allowing flow to increase or decrease in speed. Can be deadly if worked on.

Hero outfit is currently just a wet suit and cap. It has a logo that says “logo” in kanji.

Cheery

Made for an attempt at a collab classroom

Has artwork made

Ayame Togata

Female

Made as one of the two Big Three twins I made

Has an upgraded version of her father’s quirk that allows her clothes to stay on and even clip through dust particles, making her appear to float in the air.

Actually a villain

Is a villain because she, quote “wants people to fear her instead of respect her”

Has artwork made

Tomomi Amajiki

Male

Other twin

Also has an upgraded version of his father’s quirk. It can last longer and have more unique effects when he eats meals or combined foods.

A currently unknown to him combination allows him to see the future.

Is currently hiding the fact of being able to see the future because he doesn’t know what causes it.

Haruto Ueda

Male

Quirk allows him to manipulate clouds, including if they have lightning in them or not.

Hair is cloudlike, but not in the same way as our canon cloud boi who I’m forgetting the name of.

For the collab classroom

Has artwork made

Kaori Yamasaki

Female

Quirk is spider. She’s spider-like and can do things spiders can do. {climb up walls, produce silk from her mouth, venomous bite etc.}

For the collab classroom

Has artwork made

Mao Maki

Female

Quirk allows her to grow flowers on any living or once-living surface. If it’s an animal, it’s one that works with their personality or species. If it’s a plant, it’s the type they normally grow. They sting badly and fall off after a few minutes.

Very serious about becoming a hero.

For the collab classroom

Has artwork made

Sherley Zima

Female

One of my examples of “this started out as a planned self-insert but now she’s her own thing” OCs

Quirk allows her to manipulate the temperature around her. The closer to the center of her radius {her} you get, the stronger it’s effects. Unless you’re on top of her. Then there’s no effect at all.

She’ll pass out if she uses it for long. The effect will slowly dissipate in those instances.

Exchange student.

Is now part of the collab classroom

Has artwork made

Kumiko Hisakawa

Female

Don’t remember her quirk

Was made for the collab classroom

I really should try and remember her quirk

Has artwork made

Yuuma Aizawa

Male

EraserMic child

Quirk allows him to erase the quirk of others with vocal commands. Vocal commands are also needed to deactivate it. Can only erase one quirk at a time.

The vocal commands are along the lines of “stop”, “cancel”, and their reverses.

Mostly reclusive personality.

Didn’t discover his quirk until he was about 13.

Might change him to nonbinary but still using he/him pronouns

Kageko Yukimura

Demifemale

Self-insert villain made to ship with Dabi because shut up

Quirk manipulates liquids at the molecular level, allowing her to boil or freeze any liquid {that can boil/freeze} as long as she has physical contact on it.

Ultimately her goal is to kill 99% of all people who kill innocent people and any “heroes” that don’t kill killers or at least advocate for “this person should be killed ngl”

????????

He/Him

Villain that I haven’t given a name to yet

Has a horrifying quirk that’s a type of brainwashing that makes the affected person believe they were acting of their own free-will as they’re under it.

Activates with wrong answers to questions.

Yuu Ikeda

Genderfluid

Any pronouns but he/him are allowed.

Quirk allows them to quick heal and regenerate any lost body part, from skin to full limbs to even organs.

When regenerating, their frame can change, along with other things. The only thing they can’t change is their eye and hair colors.

Ran away from home because their parents weren’t accepting

Is a black market villain at the age of 11.

Keeps selling their own organs to stay alive

Is actually very kind and probably would’ve tried to be a hero if they had an accepting household.

Is one of my favorites

Hoshiko Kaminari

She/Her

One of three Denki Kaminari x Ibara Shiozaki kids I made because It’s my rare pair and I choose if they have kids!

Oldest

Her quirk is that she has electric fence wiring as hair. As a result, she needs an insanely high amount of iron in her diet.

Side effect to her quirk is that she’s immune to all electricity-based attacks.

Doesn’t know how to swim, and even if she did her hair would weigh her down.

Hair needs to be cut with wire cutters or similar, as it doesn’t stop growing unless she stops getting her needed iron.

Hair-wires stay live for about 10 seconds after being cut

Another one of my faves

Rai Kaminari

Male

Middle child, younger brother of Hoshiko.

Has the same quirk as his father, but can withstand higher amounts of voltage before frying.

Hinata Kaminari

Nonbinary

Youngest of the family, Hoshiko’s younger sibling.

Quirkless

Yuki Tetsutetsu

Female

Name is not written as “雪” {snow}, but as “勇気” {courage}

Don’t have another parent, probably just someone I’ll make later {unless someone else wants to}

Quirk allows her to make any metal she holds stronger and can be unbreakable with focus. It can still get knocked out of her hands, though.

If I have to explain who her dad is....

David Jerome

Male

Made for my AU story “Reborn”

One of the reborn individuals {you’ll understand what that means soon}

Quirkless

Was an American tourist at death. As a result, is Japanese isn’t perfect

Died in a car crash, along with his mother and father. Only his younger sister survived on their end.

Kind but quiet. Very supportive

Default emotions are fear and regret

Yuuki Hayashi

Female

Made for my AU story “Reborn”

One of the reborn individuals

Don’t remember the quirk I had given her, but it wasn’t an impressive or powerful one.

Died from anaphylactic shock

Default emotion is disappointment in self

Kohaku Mizushima

Agender

Made for my AU story “Reborn”

One of the reborn individuals.

Quirk allowed them to make a ball around them as a defense. It was hard to break and could hold in whatever was already around him as well. Couldn’t be seen through and wasn’t recommended for long use.

Died from... drowning... that may have been self caused...

Harsh, but very much protective

Default emotions are sadness and anger

Ryou

Male

Made for my AU story “Reborn”

Quirk allows him to resurrect anyone who has died within the last 24 hours. Upon resurrection, the revived {which he calls “reborn”} will have different colored sclera than before that relate to how they died in one way or another. They cannot die from the same thing again, and he cannot revive someone more than once.

Has a friend that works for the hospital, allowing him to revive random people easier than otherwise

Tries to keep is quirk hidden from the public because can you imagine what would happen if word came out about a quirk like that?

Whenever he picks a child, which is actually rare, he’ll take care of them. The previous three are under his care.

Is rich

Chaotic Neutral

And I believe that’s all of them besides Ryou’s friend, but he’s literally only named and given his job.

Any more questions? Maybe about individual ones? Send em here or here!

[giranswife]

Ghost

Summary: It’s been quite a while since everything went down. Ash has been able to stay under the radar, but she knows that there isn’t much longer before she has no choice but to figure something else out. She wouldn’t be able to do this for long, but a familiar face at her door will change all of that.

Warning(s): angst, self-insert x canon

(( This is a fic that is in my au where Ash gets booted from the league because of her connections with some fellow heroes. It’s also after Giran breaks up with her which I haven’t posted yet, but it’s basically following that. She’s still in hiding right now, but I just for some reason wanted to write this angst. This is my self-insert/oc shipped with a canon character. ))

Time had never passed by so slow before. Weeks turned into months, and I was still finding it hard to sleep at night without the thought of him. Things were already hard enough with being in hiding, and only recently being able to go outside. Every single day, my heart was filled with regret and sadness. I didn’t even know where to begin with healing, and if it weren’t for my friends, I’m not sure if I could’ve done it without them.

With me being so on edge, I’ve only just recently stayed at an apartment under a different name. Even my hair was different, shorter and dyed a bit darker blonde to keep me inconspicuous. Things have been a lot different now, but I’m slowly getting better. I forced myself to get better, refusing to be hung up on him. On my old life.

This was my life now, and I had to face the facts. Nothing can be like it was. I even kept low for a long time, until I decided it was safe to start doing things again. Mainly just protection gigs and under the table work. There’s nothing else that I can do, unless I want to move. Which I have been considering for a while.

But I couldn’t run for much longer. I knew that I couldn’t.

It hurt so much to think about my friends being there for me even through all of this. Which is why Sayeko insisted that we hang out today, wanting to make sure that I was okay. I’d been avoiding them for a bit, wanting to limit contact as much as I could. It was for their safety after all, but of course, they would insist otherwise.

Seeing her was nice, though. It was definitely something that I needed.

“How are you doing, Hon?” Sayeko asked.

The two of us were taking the back way to my apartment, and I was carrying a takeout bag to eat once we got there.

“I’m… fine.”

“You sure? Your apartment turning out okay?”

“Yeah… it’s the best I’m going to get right now. Until I figure out what I’m doing.”

She nodded, the two of us walking a little closer as we spoke. Not wanting anyone to listen to our conversation.

“Just wanted to make sure. If you need anything, just ask.”

“I won’t… the last thing you need is to be around me.”

“Well, too bad. I’m here and you can’t make me leave. We’ve already discussed that.”

That was a comment I expected. Sayeko was insistent from day one that I couldn’t change her mind. I loved that she was a loyal friend, but this was my battle to fight. She didn’t need to get involved, but it was too late now. All I could do was hope that nothing came about this for her.

But Aizawa was right. This was all my fault, and until I did something about it, we were all in danger.

“Just promise me that if I left you won’t follow me,” I said.

“What? You’re not leaving-”

“Sayeko, I can’t stay… As much as I want to, it’s not a good idea. Either that, or turn myself in, which isn’t going to be the case.”

She breathed a sigh, looking down at the ground with somber eyes. A part of her knew that I was right, but I could tell that she was fighting against it. But we couldn’t do that for much longer. The two of us were well aware of that.

“Okay,” She mumbled, “But… at least wait until Mai and I can figure something out. If we find an alternative.”

I nodded, giving her hand a small squeeze of reassurance. It was difficult, but I knew that she wanted to do something. Anything. I couldn’t fault her for that. She was a good friend.

Maybe even more than I deserved.

The two of us climbed the stairs to my apartment, and I went to pull out my keys. Just as I did so, I heard Sayeko chirp and it suddenly made my entire body freeze. My first thought was that someone was there. Either the authorities or a pro-hero finally here to take me in. Either way, I was ready to shift in any second, the bubble of anger in my chest.

Lifting my head, I gritted my teeth and prepared myself for the inevitable.

But nothing could have prepared me for what was in front of me.

My eyebrows lifted, and I felt the keys slide from my hands. There must have been shock coating my face, but after that moment I was numb. It was almost like I was seeing a ghost. One that I really didn’t think I’d see every again. One that I had just begun to put in the back of my mind and heart.

Giran pushed off of the wall beside my apartment door, taking one last drag from his cigarette before he tossed it to the ground. If Sayeko wasn’t here I would’ve sworn that he was a mirage. Or a nightmare coming to fuck with me. He didn’t come any closer, just a few steps away from the door. He must’ve known how I would’ve felt seeing him in this moment.

“What the fuck are you doing here?” I asked.

The anger didn’t go away, in fact, it had gotten worse. A part of wished it was someone else that I saw. Even if it was someone here to take me away, at least I could fight my way through. In this moment, I knew that I couldn’t run because it’d draw attention. And I couldn’t fight him… because there was a part of me that was happy to see him.

The part that I tried to swallow way down.

“You’re a tough woman to pin down, y’know that?”

My lips twitched into an almost snarl at those words. He has the audacity to make sarcastic remarks right now? He sure did have a lot of fucking balls.

“Yeah, well, you kind of fucking know why that is,” I snapped.

He nodded, crushing the cigarette under his boot and taking a couple steps closer.

“I came to see you,” He said, “I’d get if you didn’t want to see me. But I thought I’d try.”

“Why?”

He paused, and I noticed the hesitation. It was strange, being on this side of the conversation. Even after all that time I knew him, right now I couldn’t quite figure out what he was thinking. This felt a little more like something that I would do. I began to wonder why he came here in the first place. Especially after everything he said that night.

It was his decision to leave. Felt like it was all to keep himself safe, though sometimes I wonder if that was really it.

“Wanted to see how you were.”

“That’s it? Really?”

Sayeko touched my arm, and I glanced up at her with lifted brows. She seemed to give me a questioning look, and I could only imagine what was on her mind right now. She saw me all those nights I stayed up, tears streaming down my face. It was probably harder for her to watch this than I imagined.

“Want me to kick him down the stairs?”

I paused for a second, the bubbling in my chest started to subside. There was a part of me that wanted to hear him out. The part of me that also wanted to run to him in this very moment and hug him. The same part of me that wondered if he was wearing my favorite cologne. Each scenario that I played out hurt worse than the other.

In the end, I decided to hear him out, but only because there were so many things that I wanted to say.

Quickly walking past him, I unlocked the door to my apartment. There was a lot of distance I kept between us, because I didn’t want him anywhere near me. The closer that he gets, the more that I feel my heart weighing in my chest. This wouldn’t last long if all my feelings come rushing back. After I tried so hard to push them away and was finally getting over him.

The kinds almost fell from my hands a couple of times, and I finally noticed they were shaking. I was a complete mess in this moment. Maybe I should’ve took Sayeko on her offer.

She decided to stay instead of going home, wanting to make sure that nothing went down. Also to kick him out whenever we were done. She did, however, go into my bedroom to give us some privacy. Though, I almost didn’t let her go. Because the second that she closed the door, we were finally alone.

The feeling that followed next was painful. I remembered the last time we were alone and all the things that he said to me. Every way that he broke my heart into pieces, after I was already going through enough. Of course I realized that a lot of it was my fault, but… I didn’t realize he would toss me aside too.

He knew this whole time what would happen once the league knew the truth. And yet he couldn’t be there when I needed him most. I understood it, but that doesn’t mean I forgave him for it.

There was a good amount of distance between us, and I was happy he didn’t try to get any closer. It was really difficult to look at him, because I felt my chest hurt whenever we made eye contact. This was going to be one of the hardest things I’ve ever done so far.

“Alright,” I said, folding my arms over my chest, “What do you want? You got ten minutes.”

“This a nice place you got here. Definitely an upgrade.”

Sighing deeply through my nose, I squeezed my arms to keep calm. He wasn’t the type to stall, so this was just getting annoying.

“Giran, please. You show up at my fucking door after everything. Just fucking tell me what you want.”

My voice croaked a bit, and I realized that my eyes were getting cloudy. The last thing I wanted was to see me cry, but there was no way I was going to be able to control my emotions. Not right now. There was so many things that I was feeling all at once, and I couldn’t seem to focus on one.

It was unfair. All of this was so unfair.

He must’ve noticed the break in my voice, because he got right to the chase then.

“I told you why I’m here. Wanted to check on you, and I meant that.”

“Okay, well, you checked on me. I’m a fucking mess. Now, will you get the fuck out of my place?” I asked, rather aggressively.

“It hasn’t been ten minutes yet,” He answered back, “That’s not the only reason why I’m here.”

He stepped a little closer, and I felt my throat close.

There were so many things that I wanted to say in that moment, but everything seemed lost. I was just so angry and upset and a little happy. It had been months since I heard his voice and saw his face. Obviously I was going to feel so many things in that moment. But if he were to get closer, I was afraid that I’d lose it.

And I didn’t want him to know that. Because this wasn’t fair.

“I came back because I fucking missed you.”

That seemed genuine. More genuine than I probably have ever heard him. But it wasn’t going to be enough. Not after all of this.

“Missed me? You were the fucking one who tossed me out. I missed you for months, but I fucking got over it. I got over you.”

“I know-”

“No, you fucking don’t. You don’t fucking know how long it took to fucking get over you. How fucking hard...” I croaked from the tears forming in my eyes, “it was to move on.”

Cursing under my breath, I looked down at the floor and tried my hardest to stop it. But there was no use. All of my pain was bubbling up to the surface, and it was not going to fade. It had been months of pain and sorrow finally coming to light. So much for refusing to cry in front of him.

Instead, I looked up at him through gritted teeth and cloudy eyes, clawing into my arms. There was still a lot I had to say.

“What do you want? Came to fucking rub it all in?”

“Of course I fucking didn’t-”

“Then, what is it? Huh? Because if you’re here to apologize, then save it. I don’t want your fucking apology, and I sure as shit don’t need your pity.”

The hardest part was keeping my anger in check. It’s been so long since I felt so emotionally unstable that I would involuntarily shift. And I intended to keep it that way. There was no way I was going to ruin everything over him. Not now.

The fact that he could barely even look at me was making me pissed. After everything that happened, the least he could do is give me that.

“Fine. No apologies.”

“Great,” I growled.

“How about I fucked up,” He said, and this time took a couple more steps closer.

My eyebrows lifted curiously, and I didn’t take a step back. There was a part of me that still wanted to stand tall, even though I was begging myself not to let him get any closer. Because that would be the moment that I broke. Smelling him and being close to him again. There was no way I was going to be able to handle that.

Breathing heavily, I felt my shoulders slump a bit and I made the mistake of relaxing a little. It would be my downfall if I got too comfortable right now.

“Excuse me?” I asked.

“I fucked up. Made the biggest mistake of my life letting you go.”

Those words were exactly what I wanted to hear. Everything that I replayed in my head couldn’t come close to hearing it in person. There was such a big part of me that wanted to reach forward and squeeze my arms around his neck. Let him touch me and forget about everything that happened.

But I couldn’t. And those words were several months too late.

“Yah didn’t deserve that. You needed me, and I was lookin’ out for myself.”

Swallowing hard, I felt a few tears roll down my cheeks and I stared at the floor with intense eyes. A ball in my throat began to form, and I couldn’t stop my arms from shaking. This isn’t fair. This isn’t fucking fair.

Who in the hell does he think he is? What does he think this is?

“I regretted that decision the second I made it. Just wanted you to know that… I didn’t forget about yah.”

The more steps he took, the more that I found it harder to breathe. All of my thoughts of being a badass bitch were fading away. Now, I just felt vulnerable and nervous. All the things that I never wanted to happen. Because he’d see it as a way in, and I couldn’t allow that. Couldn’t let him think that he had a second chance at all.

“Then… why didn’t you call? If you missed me so much… why are you only here now?” I asked.

“Didn’t think you wanted to see me. And finding you wasn’t easy.”

“Yeah, well… I’ve been in hiding, jackass,” I snarled, “Of course I didn’t want to see you. You basically said that you didn’t want me.”

The reminder of that night tore me apart. The way that he spoke to me. It was something that I will never forget. I had replayed that in my head over and over for so long. It was one of the reasons that I moved on so quickly.

Giran was closer now, but still keeping his distance for the time being. Which was a good idea. Any closer right now, and I just might bite his hand off.

“That was just to make sure that you left-”

“Right… because breaking my heart wasn’t enough. You decided stomping on it was much better.”

“I’m s-”

“Don’t. Fucking. Apologize.”

The familiar burning in my chest began, and I felt my eyes widen. The redness began to take over, and I slowly started to lose my cool. All of this was beginning to be too much for me, and I knew that he’d have to leave soon. I couldn’t trust myself to keep control too much longer. Not when old memories were being drug up again.

He put up his hands as a sign of agreement, taking one slight step back.

After a few slow, deep breaths, I began to calm myself down. The burning began to subside, and I relaxed my shoulders once again. Focusing on the techniques I taught myself a long time ago.

“Look, I didn’t come all the way over here to piss yah off. Just wanted to see your pretty face again.”

Pursing my lips, I felt my bottom lip quiver and looked at him once again. The sound of those words really did warm my heart a bit. It reminded me of just how hard this entire thing was. Reminding me of just how fucking happy he made me at one point. How I thought that it would be my safe place forever.

I’d had people my entire life leave me before, but this time it was different. This was the worst feeling I’d ever felt before. The first person that I had ever loved left me when everyone else was against me. I never felt pain like that before, and I’d been through hell. I thought for once in my life I would have someone who wouldn’t leave when things got rough.

I was just mistaken. Again.

“Don’t do that… it’s not fair,” I said, “It’s not fucking fair.”

He took another step closer.

“Just tell me to leave. I’ll head out the door and let you get back to your life.”

Swallowing hard, I chewed on my bottom lip and felt more tears fall down my cheeks. I shook my head, my jaw tight from gritting my teeth so much.

“Fucking shit,” I gasped, “I don’t know whether to fucking kiss you or strangle the fuck out of you for what you did.”

Now I was just speaking out loud, my thoughts and emotions spinning into one. The anger had seemed to go away, and now I was just feeling broken and sad. It was so hard not to rush up and hug him right about now. It took everything out of me to stay put.

“I wouldn’t blame yah if you did,” He said.

“You can’t… fucking do this, Giran. You can’t come waltzing in like nothing happened and… look at me like that. It’s not fucking fair.”

The sobs were coming up now, and I internally cursed myself for it. But it hurt so much. The fighting inside me was getting so hard to bear, and the longer that I looked at him the worse it got. Everything that I wanted to happen months ago was finally happening again.

Why couldn’t I just forget everything and let him hold me?

A part of me wanted it more than anything. The bigger part of me knew that it couldn’t happen. Not right now. But when he stepped closer and I finally smelled his cologne, I almost broke. It wasn’t just my favorite kind, it was the one that I bought him.

“Tell me that you’ve moved on,” He said in that voice that always makes me weak, “And I’ll never bother you again.”

Biting my bottom lip, more tears stained my cheeks as I closed my eyes tight. The next few seconds were the hardest that I ever had to go through. Standing there and partially wishing that I’d feel his lips on my forehead. That I’d feel his hands on my hips and the warmth of his body against mine.

But instead… I spoke.

“Giran…”

Breathing another sigh, I croaked softly, “Get the fuck out of my house.”

It wasn’t the answer that he wanted, but it was an answer all the same.

He nodded, taking one last look at me before he stepped beside me towards the door.

Keeping my eyes straight ahead, I listened for the door to open and held my breath. It took every fiber of my being to stand there and clutch my chest, instead of turning around. I wanted to tell him that I wasn’t serious and throw myself at him, but I didn’t. I stood there and listened to the front door shut behind him.

And then… I lost it.

Sobbing uncontrollably, I kept clutching my shirt and completely broke down.

After everything that happened, and after he came to my front door asking for forgiveness, I couldn’t do it. I was still alone. But the worst part of all of it was I knew the truth.

I wasn’t over him. I will never be over him.

[leta-the-strange]

Spoiler-free COG feelings/essay/thoughts before I see the movie. Spoiler-free because the movie isn’t out here til the end of the week but obviously, I’ve picked up info from trailers and interviews and things like that so sort of common knowledge stuff but I guess if you’ve avoided all the promos for the year I wouldn’t want to ruin it for you now so don’t read until after you’ve seen it if that’s the case (again, I only know basic info).

I have a lot of feelings that I’ve been sitting on for a while because frankly, large parts of the Fantastic Beasts and Harry Potter fandom terrify me. It’s why in my nineteen years (okay, thirteen years – I had to learn how to read) I’ve distanced myself from engaging in the fandom too much and when I do, I try and stick to as safe, neutral content as possible.

But I’m going to write a little bit a lot (my anxiety’s poppin off the charts right now) not to antagonise anyone or personally offend people just to get this pent up crap off my chest before I see the movie. 

I have Māori and Pākehā parentage. Although I am proud to be a Māori girl and I’m definitely not white-passing, I do acknowledge that out of my family, I was born with the lightest skin and being a lighter-skinned/mixed poc among my family and friends has made me recognise my privilege. That isn’t to say I haven’t experienced lifelong struggles with racism, bullying and discrimination but I will never experience the same micro-aggressions and experiences that they have. Although, I do have light-skinned privileges and I don’t ever want to take away the struggles of my family that I won’t experience on the same level, growing up looking a little different opened me up a lot of feelings of invalidation within my own culture. When I experienced racism as a child, I was also met with disdain for being upset about it when I wanted to talk about it. This was when I was a child and I didn’t understand lighter skinned privilege or the animosity from some of my own people. I am far more educated now, but during that confusing time I, like most children, turned to literature (which in turn is what helped me make sense of the world).

I’ve gotten a little off track – this isn’t overly important to what I’m writing about, but it is introducing my opinion as coming from a woman of colour who has experienced racism and horrible bullying, but I always feel the need to clarify my position as a lighter skinned poc before giving my opinion based on those experiences.

Obviously from my content, I love Leta Lestrange. Perhaps it started out as a matter of representation, but I feel like over the past year, I have become intrigued with her for a number of reasons. She’s striking me as a Sirius, Regulus and Andromeda Black type character. Different to her family and caught in a struggle of light and dark (magic, not skin colour). Loves magical creatures. I haven’t seen it yet but it seems like she is one of the centre point characters of the film. She seems to be connected to many of the main characters in one way or another and has always striked me as the most intriguing.

I really do hope I am wrong but the ‘other’ love interest’s in the Harry Potter universe are usually treated terribly. They experience character assassination to further the development of the canon/new interest.

I really hope this film doesn’t do the whole blow out a woc character to make the white, self-insert, classically beautiful, ‘im not like other girls’ character shine brighter.

Before everyone comes for me, I wouldn’t say I’m a Tina ‘anti’ whatever that is. There’s no like extreme hatred at all! I would say I don’t like Tina as a character, or Queenie for that matter. Not yet anyway. The new trailer gives me hope that this movie might win me over finally. It doesn’t need to be upsetting or offensive to anyone. There are lots of people out there with favourite and not-so-favourite characters. A lot of people dislike Ron, Dumbledore, Snape, even Harry…and there are people who have those characters as their favourite.  

There are a lot of reasons I don’t like Tina and Queenie. I may address them in a different post if being vague upsets people more than going in-depth but at this point, I am trying to stay as unconfrontational as possible but I have seen people get extremely furious when they don’t deem your reason for disliking them to be ‘good enough’ so if not saying exactly what I find uncomfortable about them is not as preferable as telling people then I can write it up as respectfully as possible if I’m treated the same way. All I’ll say is that I think Tina is a good person, but, in my opinion, not a great character. Queenie is the opposite. I would not like Queenie as a person but I have to admit, she’s a good character. But I’ll hold the rest of my opinions until after the second film. 

Honestly, the film adaptions leave some of my favourite book characters to be desired. Maybe if FB was a novel, I’d like Tina but I really dislike her in the movies. I have seen people blow up when this is said. I try to understand the outrage. I think one of the reasons I dislike Tina is one of the reasons why people love her. She is, at this point and in my opinion (which is ONLY an opinion), a self-insert character. Any Newt x Reader fanfiction can easily read as a Newtina fanfiction and vice versa. I know. Because I’m a FB fanfiction writer myself and tried to write her. Sometimes when you attach yourself to a character so much, it can feel personally offensive when someone says something as harmless such as they don’t like then. I don’t experience this as often. Every Reader/OC fanfiction is, perhaps unintentionally, but nearly always aimed at a white person in description. In actuality, nearly every character in literature is, intentionally or not, described with textbook white features or assumed white by the fandom/readers/watchers.

I know people are going to hate this opinion because I’ve seen people jump down other people’s throats when this gets brought up. I do believe, whether it is conscious or not, Leta not being white COULD, subconsciously, be a factor as to why she is so inherently hated. I’ve seen more hate for Leta than any other character – even the antagonist! I hate what they did to Lavender Brown, book and movie wise, but even she, being as over exaggeratedly unlikable as a romantic plot device, received and still receives far less fandom hate than Cho Chang (who was also eventually written to be ‘jealous, hysterical, unlikeable’, etc, etc – I don’t agree btw I love, understand and appreciate Cho and Lavender)  who was smart, talented, kind, traumatised, and until it was no longer convenient to the main characters romance for her to be ‘likeable’ anymore.

I wish I could enjoy going through the Leta tag but often, her and Newt can’t even be in a scene or photo together and people lose their minds with anger and hate. Literally, the comments on any scene/photo they are in are all along the lines of ‘stay away from newt!/poor tina/urgh, don’t flirt leta/leta WHAT ARE YOU DOING?’. Sorry, to break it to you guys but it isn’t a love triangle. It’s a love conga line. The only person getting in the way of ‘Newtina’ is Newt. Instagram is even worse. By worse, I mean horrible beyond belief. The better comments are the ones are the ones merely (though still grossly) comparing her to Tina and how much they dislike her, the other ones are wishes that she’ll get killed or join Grindelwald. It’s literally not even hidden the fact they wish either of these things happen so Newtina can happen faster. I’m not a Newtina shipper at all (Yet. Again, this might change if the films improve) but this would be one of the worst ways to further your ship. That is literally not going to change the fact that Newt’s still in love with her (you can have feelings for two people at the same time. The filmmakers confirmed - in fact, one of the first things about the new movie that they confirmed - that Newt is ‘absolutely still in love with her’), it just makes her conveniently unattainable. I do have a feeling that Leta might die and if it happens, it better not be because she’s unwillingly in the way of a ‘love triangle’ that people have forced these three characters into. If Newtina is going to happen in a way that isn’t awful, rushed and horrible, it will be slow-burn and it’s in own time AFTER Newt has healed and properly fixed things with Leta. You can’t be best friends and in love with someone for 15+ years and fall out of love with them immediately after they die, turn bad and settle for a woman you met for like two days and collectively spent maybe ten hours with. It might be a Ron/Hermione situation where it’s slow and eventual. That’s the only way I could possibly get on board and I think it could be done tastefully if they don’t resort to lazy writing. I do have my fingers crossed I’ll start to like the Goldsteins before this happens and I can enjoy it as much as everyone else does.

To be honest, after seeing the trailers, I see only two endings for Leta (and I hate them BOTH):

She joins Grindelwald: If this is the plot twist, it’s the shittiest plot twist ever. Pretty much 90% of the fans since seeing the first film have assumed/liked to believe she’s pure evil. Probably the characters themselves all assume she’s evil from her last name. I was worried the whole ‘haha, I was on Grindelwald’s side all along!’ situation was going to happen. We know JK hates Slytherins. My ‘Leta joins Grindelwald’ theory would be that she has always been on the good side – or trying to be – and after YEARS of oppression and discrimination and being distrusted by maybe the central characters in this film no matter how hard she tries AND maybe finally realising that Newt isn’t going to ever forgive her she just snaps and goes all ‘f*ck you guys then’ (I wouldn’t blame her tbh). HOWEVER, I doubt this. In a trailer, you literally see Leta THROW a fucking spell STANDING BY HERSELF (what u doin bby?) at Grindelwald. Trust me, if this was Tina it would have been all everyone was talking about but of course the fandom was all ‘yeah, see, she’s in the same frame as Grindelwald SHE’S EVIL’. One of the trailers is literally titled Leta vs. Grindelwald. Everything in the trailers/promos points to Queenie joining Grindelwald but *shrugs, I guess*.

Leta dies: I get this may seem the preferable way to appease the Leta haters and the Leta lovers especially if she dies after redeeming herself or heroically or whatever but urgh, no. I know everyone’s like ‘DoNt MAKe ThIS AbOUT RaCe’ when the woc character inevitably is killed but I’m sorry. To have been able to sit in a theatre as a little girl and see Leta Lestrange in the wizarding world would have blown my tiny mind. Honestly, as an older teen seeing Zoe Kravitz in that little photo frame in Newt’s case in the first film was iconic enough for me. After growing up being made to believe I was ‘unattractive’ because of how I looked, seeing total dreamboats like Callum Turner and Eddie Redmayne’s characters being all heart-eyes over Leta is, like...wow!  And I do have an uncomfortable truth for people who want Leta to die. That would possibly be the WORST thing to happen for the Newtina thing (would pretty much be the last nail in the coffin for me ever coming around to it). I’ve seen it happen in my family when someone you love dies. Your feelings for them essentially FREEZE. You can’t fall out of love with someone who is dead. That’s of course not to say that you don’t love again and just as much as the first time. But it takes time (LOTS of it) and there’s a little part of your heart that’s like…permanently sealed off. I don’t even like Newtina yet and I’m hoping for the sake of the Newtina fans that Leta doesn’t die because freakin’ yikes. Just let them heal and connect and be besties again goddammit, its POSSIBLE (and bet your ass I’ll write it my god damn self to prove it if they don’t). 

I know these are highly unpopular opinions and I HOPE that I am wrong, and they do her character justice and don’t discard her via death or the dark side.

In summary, I suppose my biggest struggle with Leta’s character is definitely the overwhelming fandom hate which I still can’t quite comprehend. I really want to believe it isn’t a race thing. Though, I have seen horrible posts about Leta, mean comments on nearly every Leta promo, Zoe Kravitz literally being called a c*nt in the comments of a Leta post on tumblr, a lot of fanfictions having her be primarily evil, selfish, manipulative, in some a rapist even, ugly, cruel, etc. But honestly, she’s literally not interfering in Newt having a relationship with anyone at all??? She’s literally been villainised because her friend can’t get over her (getting Snily nostalgia). But buggered if I’ve been able to find next to anything of that calibre about Jacob’s fiancée (literally a Queenie doppelganger) who left him, like, the day he met Queenie. I get that it was a deleted scene for those non-hardcore fans, but Leta-hate was literally kicked off by a picture in a photo frame and a comment made by a, in my opinion, kind of not-nearly-as-infallible-as-people-think character that barely knows Newt breaking into his head non-consensually (after being repeatedly told not to) who had an agenda to hook him up with her sister. Sooo…*shrugs*.

Even I personally have tried to keep out of the fandom debates, but I wrote a Leta and Newt story (still ongoing) that I stopped for a while because the kind of disgusting comments I was receiving about people hating the pairing. Which, I get. You don’t like a pairing, that’s cool? Why are you going and seeking out a piece about them and then taking the time to leave a comment? Whenever I start to read a story about Leta being this horrific monster of a person and being torn apart and compared and occasionally borderline racist, I just…click out? I know it’s only a small patch of weeds in what is likely a garden of roses, but I have never come across such an insecure fandom for a literal canon ship. If the relationship was that pure and strong, you wouldn’t feel the need to kill or villainise the (non-existent) ‘threat’. I just hope the writers feel the same way. You can write healthy closures and strong women of colour characters without casting them aside for plot development/man pain/stereotypical Caucasian romance/plot device, etc... I’m going to go into the theatre at the end of the week slightly optimistic to be fair but I’m also fully expecting to be disappointed but honestly, Leta could avada kedavra every character and she’s still going to be my favourite, I don’t make the rules.