#obviously it's annoying to be so thoroughly misunderstood

[fox-guardian]

Just saw that post you made about gender. Yeesh, sorry people misinterpreted your words and took it too seriously. And that you had to explain all that to them. I hope it didn't cause too much distress

aw, i appreciate it, but don't worry, i'm vibin! i just figured i should clarify the whole nonbinary angle, just in case anyone else was confused or what have you, it was kinda important to the message.

[bestgirlinc]

Film Review: A Goofy Movie

A friend of mine convinced me to branch out a bit so here we are! I think I'll have to grow into these too, but I am confident I can do decently.

Music: As a musical I certainly hope the music is good. Of course it is very 90s Disney, lots of Broadway style numbers that logistically make less sense than normal musicals but still, not bad. The stand outs are obviously the ones done for the fictional musician Power line. But the "On the Open Road" and the "After Today" songs are also certainly fun ones. The regular music is good too, very Disney, but good Plot: The Plot is a simple one where the teenage son, Max, is a misunderstood troublemaker and his father gets the wrong idea as to what is going on. This misunderstanding causes them to not discuss the actual issue and be stuck going on a road trip. Goofy acts like Max is a little boy who is down a violent path. Max thinks his dad is just being weird and annoying him. They learn to be closer and talk more and become closer as a family. Overall, very good plot even if it is a simple one. Don't go to Disney for complex plots. Themes: I would say that honesty and learning to tell people the whole truth immediately is the biggest theme in this movie. The movie has so many moments where if they were honest no issues would happen at all. Another major one is to not listen to people who give advice you know isn't right. The case in point being that Goofy tried listening to Pete. Pete is a man shown to be a bad person that even Goofy knows is bad. Goofy in trying to listen to his friend's advice messes up further rather than just following what he knows works, being honest. The themes come together nicely in the end and create a simple yet nice bow.

Overall the movie is a simple one but a definitely fun one. A romp that I thoroughly enjoy every time I watch it. Trust me, I definitely plan on watching it a million more times. I give it an 8/10

[kkairosclerosis]

uncommon things i associate my deities with~

hi guys! im back from a quick hiatus! 

i recently moved to the city, but not too far from where i lived previously in the country. living in the city, however, is proving to be a bit more difficult then i had imagined, so ive been taking some weekends to go back home and ground myself again so i can feel more connected to my craft<3.

anyways, this morning, i was sitting on the porch of my parents farmhouse, looking out onto the sunset as my idiot dog ran laps around the frost-covered lawn, feeling more connected to my deities than i had in weeks. i decided, ‘hey, here a nice post idea. maybe ill talk abt the things i associate with my deities that others might not, and hopefully inspire them to as well!’ so, here it is! 

uncommon things i associate my deities with!

hermes——««

if this isnt your first time on my blog, you probably know: hermes is my patron. he has been for a while, even before i began to worship him. if you want to know more about why, check out this post. 

regardless, you can imagine that i hold very dear everything i associate with him.

in this case, it’s my dog. 

my dog is an...interesting border collie named oliver. i got into hellenic worship very shortly after getting him, and i have a very strong feeling he has a lot to do with it. 

i am thoroughly convinced my dog is a child of hermes. hes chaotic, but extremely smart. very, very fast, and spends hours running out in the yard. just running. nothing else. its even more intense when its windy, which, if you read the aforementioned post, you know that i associate the wind heavily with hermes. hermes is also the god of animal husbandry, and oliver is quite the farm animal. 

watching him run, i always get a strong sense of comfort. i know that the energy of hermes resides in him, its very clear. its almost as if his running brings the wind.  like hes running, and hermes says ‘hey, that looks fun! let me join!’ 

i, very regularly, ask for hermes protection of oliver. i do this because i know of the love hermes has for him. i can feel it. it makes me comfortable knowing hes safe while im not home with him. and i can tell it makes oliver feel safe as well.

aphrodite——««

aphrodite has always been dear to me, even before i started actually worshipping. i remember reading about her in the mythology books i frequented in the art room after i finished my projects, carrying them out to the field to just sit and read. she was an embodiment of beauty to me, and that has not changed since, so its natural that i associate her with one of the things i find most beautiful on this plane of existence: clouds.

when i was thinking of writing this post, i was sitting and looking at a cloudless sky. i was thinking: why is it that we most often consider a cloudless sky beautiful? is it because of the absence of ‘blemish?’ does a cloud signify a flaw? must all beautiful things be completely clear, or without mark? 

obviously, i thought this was ridiculous. clouds are so very dear to me. i mean, i have an entire album of photos on my phone of pictures of clouds i have taken. i have always been enamored. 

while i was pondering this, it hit me. beauty is unique. beauty is individual. thats exactly what aphrodite is about. these ‘marks’ in the sky are what make the sky beautiful to me. aphrodite is in these ‘blemishes’ because i find them beautiful. 

now, i dont mean to wrap this up in a corny way, but i encourage the people reading this to think this way about themselves. beauty is in your imperfections because they make you you. i have not seen one cloud that looks exactly like another i have seen, and thats exactly what makes them so beautiful to me. aphrodite loves all of you, and someone else does as well, so do not disrespect them by being mean to yourself. their idea of beauty is not misconstrued, so trust them. and if you dont think someone thinks your beautiful, know that i do<3.

apollo——««

apollo, to me, has always been sort of an enigma. i have a harder time interpreting his signs, especially recently, and i think that its particularly because of my recent falling out with my creative side. i have sort of abandoned my art, and it think its difficult for him to communicate with me through anything else.

one thing, however, i can feel him in is the sound of the birds in the morning. particularly, roosters.

as i mentioned before, my parents live on a farm. its natural to hear roosters first thing in the morning. some people find it annoying, but to me, its incredibly comforting. it means another morning has come. i’ve lived another day, and i have a whole new one to look forward to, until i hear the rooster the next morning. it means the sun is rising, and apollo rises with him. 

as a witch who particularly enjoys the sunrise, but has a hard time waking up to see it, the roosters serve as a sort of natural alarm clock. even if i do not physically get up to see the sunrise, i know it is happening, and i am awake for that first moment of dawn. it brings me comfort and a sense of small accomplishment, even on really difficult days.

and the days im in the city, and cant hear the roosters, its the morning songs of the birds in the part right next to my apartment building. this might be even more so, as apollo is the god of music. 

its a different type of comfort to wake up to the chill of the morning and hear the birds, knowing its a deity that loves me and wants to see me the next morning as well. i hope you, dearest reader, come to feel the same:).

asclepius——««

now, i haven’t talked about this much on this blog, but to me, asclepius has been such a pillar for me as of recent. with the pandemic and my own current health situation, i rely on him a lot for hope and support. i ask him to protect both me and my friends and family from illness or ailment, and in case of ailment, i ask him to facilitate a speedy recovery. thus far, he has never failed me, and i do not ever expect him to. i put my trust in him wholly. 

other than health, i find myself associating asclepius with cleanliness. while i see asclepius as the medic, i also see him as someone who is clean and organized. this is why i associate him with dewdrops.

now, bear with me in my explanation. morning dew, to me, feels clean. it feels almost pure, as it is one of the first forms of moisture a person can be met with during the day. 

picture it now. you wake up at sunrise, and venture out into your yard, the chill of the am just tickling at your face, cooling your nose to the touch. you take your first step off of the deck, and your bare feet sink into the grass, cold, and now wet from the dew. the feeling is shocking at first, as your feet get used to the new temperature, fresh out of the warm comfort of your blanket that sits invitingly on your bed inside. 

but the feeling is fresh. its grounding. its healing. 

that, to me, is how asclepius feels. 

sobek——««

i must be honest, sobek is the reason this post came to existence. i feel extremely strong about this one, particularly because i feel that sobek is under-appreciated and misunderstood as a god. i constantly encourage people to include sobek in their worship, as he, to me, has proven to be one of the most reliable gods i have ever worked with. i feel such a sense of comfort and love within him. i could sit in his energy for hours, days even. especially as a person who suffers from bouts of paranoia, his energy is one to learn to accept and become. 

for me, i see sobek in flowers. 

not many would see this, as sobek has this image of a tough, crocodile, protection god, which he is. but what a lot of people forget, is that sobek is also a god of fertility, particularly in harvest. in fact, sobek has done so much for my family’s farm. our garden is plentiful, and our harvests are more than we know what to do with. we end up making a lot of extra things with it, and giving it away to family friends and neighbors. i genuinely think that sobek creates abundance in our garden so he can give to our community. that is how loving i know him to be. 

however, what i specified was flowers. one of the most common offerings i give to sobek are roses. he seems to love them. sobek seems to protect that of which he loves, and roses are a symbol of love for me. i want to attempt to give him what he has given me. 

my family has a wildflower garden in front of our home. the morning i was sitting on the porch, i felt his presence, and i immediately looked to the flowers. delicate, yet extremely strong, and persevering. thats how i wish to be, and i can feel sobek in the encouragement of the flowers. 

i hope that didn’t come off too corny, although im pretty sure it did lol. i hope that this post was a good insight into my deities and how i understand them to be! again, disclaimer, not everyone experiences the gods in the same ways! some may agree with this post wholeheartedly, and some may have completely different experiences that make them disagree entirely! i am not one to gatekeep and define what the divine is, because the divine shows itself in different ways to different people. i hope you enjoyed this post, and have a wonderful day!

p.s. i love you and you’re worth it!

[foxymoxynoona]

Hi, me again 😶

I appreciate the lengthy answer you gave my ask. (I obviously can't read the tone through text, but you didn't seem as annoyed as i thought you might be(?) so that's a lowkey win for me actually explaining why i sent the first ask(?) Lol)

Also yeah, no, i wasn't 'cockblocked'. Amended isn't a fic i go to for that kind of instant gratification :) Out of all four, it was the only one i actually wanted to read at first (only followed by TL, but not soon after) And it wasn't for the sex, I read the tags.

With that out of the way,

I tried thoroughly answering your answer (lol) but I kept running in circles and not being able to properly articulate what I'm thinking, so I'm just going to write a shorter version :)

I think it does eventually come down to what you said about Amended being intended more for readers who personally relate than for those who don't.

While I've obviously had certain negative life experiences, i doubt they can be seen as traumatic. Or if they can, they're nowhere near Isabella's level. I suppose i've also had different coping mechanisms than her so that's probably another one of the reasons I didn't think all of her reactions were justified. It's all a question of whether it made sense to me or not. Did jk's behavior look faultless to me? No. But I could understand jk's p.o.v more than hers, even if he was wrong in some of his assumptions and didn't voice them calmly. Sometimes I wish they could read each other's minds..

I did, however, understand the analogies you made and they did give me a better understanding of why she acts the way she does.

Honestly I was surprised there even was another sex scene in this chapter. Thought they'd talk about it properly before attempting again. But noPe :) I'm rather apprehensive about the date and how Jungkook's.. "plans" are going to go, considering everything..

------------------

I do appreciate you truthfully picturing the process of her overcoming parts of her past trauma and learning that it's okay to trust someone again. It's just quite difficult to grasp the depth and gravity of her trauma from an.. "outsider" 's perspective 😅

-👀

Hello again 👀!

First, I do want to apologize that my joke about being cockblocked sounds like it landed poorly. I had not read your initial comment as being very serious (since it just said you were annoyed with Isabella) so I responded in what I understand the tone to be. I'm sorry I misunderstood that initial ask!

Second of all, I'm not annoyed! I find and hope all these discussions are actually useful for anyone reading. Mental health is a big, huge aspect of life that I just feel like is so poorly represented or discussed. I have had serious anxiety all my life (without even knowing it! I thought that's just how everyone's brain worked!) but when I had my first major depressive episode, I remember after I was out of it being like: holy shit. I did not understand what depression was before this! Even now, it's hard for me to fully recall how utterly potato I was because it seems impossible that I was that way but I was! Our brains map the world and our place in it, and it can be challenging to get into the head of someone whose brain functions very differently than our own. So that's all to say, I think talking about these things is valuable to broaden our own understanding of ourselves and the people around us who navigate the world differently than we may.

One thing I think is worth pointing out in this story too that hasn't actually come up tonight: JK in this story also has trauma. And he also went through a period of deep pain that caused him to isolate himself and hurt the people around him badly. And his traumas still influence how he behaves. Isabella is his first "real" relationship. Remember how hurt Miranda was when he committed to her without committing to her?? And then didn't tell her he'd fucking gotten MARRIED? We just are seeing JK further along in his healing journey because he has been in a safe, loving, supportive place for far longer than Isabella has, and he always had family love and support, even at his worst (in high school when he really hurt Isabella). Isabella didn't have that. She has been alone and is now having to learn how to function without being in survival mode all the time. It may be worth everyone remembering that this isn't a story where JK stumbled into what is definitely a relationship with someone only starting to process intense trauma. He went into this eyes wide open, and with his own experience helping him understand the fear, and the loneliness. He's not actually a saint, he's just been through something similar and he understands (at least a little) and he loves her.

As for coping mechanisms, that's another good point: they're different for everyone and just like love languages, we can most easily understand behavior similar to our own. I love learning more about the way people work, and I hope my stories can help readers learn more beyond their own experiences or patterns as well, like how to recognize other love languages or coping or defense mechanisms.

Jimin actually called JK out on one of his this chapter: "you'll have sex with her before you love her because you're confident about sex." Is it worth thinking how different this story might be if Jungkook had been honest with Isabella at any point in their relationship about the love and guilt and regret he has from how he treated her when they were younger? Maybe not, but maybe!

And finally, as for sex: I had actually expected a lot of people to be upset about them having sex before they'd resolved more, haha. Because it's totally fair to theorize they jumped the gun getting physical! But they did it! Because they're horny for each other! It was a big step forward though before they were really ready to talk about some of the Big Feelings that might come up for either of them. They are a couple that tends to take a big leap and then scramble to figure out wtf they just did

Anyway, hope all this gives some more food for thought!

[arse-blathanna]

A small Simmons moment with Red Team's newest member; Locus, for fluff week pretty plz 😄

I love this prompt and everything it stands for so much more than you could ever believe. Thank you so much for it, I love it. 

[Read it on Ao3]

Title: A Lukewarm Welcome

Fic Summary: Simmons stands up tall. “I know that you aren’t used to things here, but usually if someone’s name is on a day for a chore, nobody else picks it up. That’s my job!”

“Your job is doing the things that your teammates don’t do?” Locus asks

Rating: G

Relationships: Locus & Simmons. Background Grimmons if you squint.

Characters: Locus, Simmons

Tags: Getting to Know Each Other, Team Bonding, Chores

Simmons has been trying his absolute hardest to get used to how things are with Locus around, since he’s apparently staying with the Reds now.

He might spend a lot of his time trying to avoid the massive ex-mercenary slash mass murderer gone almost pacifist. He might duck out of the room most of the time if Locus is around because he’s scary, but Simmons is trying.

Really, he is. But it isn’t as though there isn’t anything for him to get used to. It definitely isn’t like Locus is constantly brooding, or like Locus seems to do everything like he wishes that he could disappear at will and the only thing stopping him from doing just that was a verbal agreement that said he wouldn’t. Or like Locus isn’t completely fucking terrifying and nobody will say anything about it.

Nope. There is definitely absolutely nothing about Red Team’s new addition that has Simmons a little on edge.

[Read it on Ao3]

Simmons walks into the kitchen on a perfectly normal Tuesday evening, the same way that he would any other Tuesday because that’s the day that Grif has dishwashing duty on the chore wheel and Simmons knows that Grif won’t do it. He’s expecting to find the kitchen empty, save for a too-tall stack of dirty dishes that someone will need to deal with.

Instead, when he walks in he finds the kitchen occupied and with Locus’ hands deep in the sink as he washes something. The former mercenary looks tense and frustrated, but doesn’t seem to notice him.Simmons freezes at the door. His cardboard and colored construction paper chore wheel is taped to the door beside him, dish duty clearly under Grif’s name. Locus hasn’t noticed him yet but Simmons also really doesn’t want to try and push his luck. Not when he’d be pushing his luck with a mass murderer that could definitely snap his spine in half with one hand. He gets the feeling that surprising Locus would be a fast way to end up stabbed, at the very least.Locus sets the plate he was cleaning in the rack idly. He lets himself stretch and roll his neck, and when Simmons sees the slight bit of grey eye, he knows that he’s been seen. When it comes to Locus, he also knows that the guy’s vision isn’t entirely based on movement. Locus lets out a sigh though, turning back to his work and grabbing a washcloth from next to the sink and drying his hands for a second before glancing back towards Simmons. “Is there something that you need?” He asks, not seeming quite annoyed but also not coming off as too happy either. The washcloth gets dropped next to the sink again before Locus reaches over for a knife that is in the pile of dirty dishes, and just like that Simmons freezes entirely. “I uh-” Simmons starts, somehow managing to feel like he’d just been put into an interrogation. No matter what, one of the things that he was pretty sure he was always going to be confident in was that Locus with a knife was probably just as scary as Felix as a knife. Probably scarier, since Locus tended to be methodical in ways that Felix just wasn’t. It didn’t help that Simmons didn’t usually carry a knife of his own around base. “I was going to do the dishes!” Locus raises an eyebrow. “Your chart said that you do the dishes on Wednesdays.” “I do!” Simmons answered. “But I also usually do Tuesdays because Grif doesn’t do the dishes when everyone else is here.” “I see.” Locus turns back to his work, reaching for the sponge that he’d been using to clean. “You can leave if that’s all you’re here for. I believe that I have the situation handled.” Simmons looks at Locus’s hands as he cleans the knife in a far too practiced way. “I would but-” He takes a breath. He’s got to get used to this. Locus is part of Red Team now, that means that he’s got to get used to the prospect of Locus being there and living life. Or at least doing chores like the rest of them. “Why are you doing the dishes for Grif?” Locus shrugs, disinterested. “He asked me if I would.” He lifts the knife up, holding it up in front of his face and turning it in the light, expression thoroughly bored. What he’s looking for, Simmons doesn’t know. “And since I owe you all for allowing me to be here, it was the least I could do.” “Oh.” Simmons hadn’t been expecting something so normal. He’d been expecting some sort of weird answer from Locus. Like something sinister. Probably involving that knife. “I guess that I should add you to the chore wheel, shouldn’t I?” Locus shrugs, and Simmons is pretty sure that’s as good as the answer he got out of Locus was going to get. He gives Locus yet another suspicious look, walking over to the door and pulling down the chore wheel. It only takes a cursory glance for Simmons to realize that he’s going to have to remake it from scratch. There are six of them to account for now instead of only five. Maybe life would be a little bit easier because of it. Either way, he was going to have to ask Donut for any crafting supplies and hope that there was some green construction paper among it. They’d never used green before, since it wasn’t a shade of red. They’d never needed it.Simmons looks back up at Locus’ back once he’s sure that Locus isn’t paying him any sort of attention. The dishes by him do look like they’ve been cleaned until they were nearly immaculate, and all of the knives used for cooking had been set aside. Probably for the sake of sharpening them, Simmons realizes belatedly. He swallows. “You know-” He speaks up, and sees Locus’ shoulders stiffen significantly. Obviously nervous. “It was nice of you to do the dishes. Because you really didn’t have to.” Locus rolls his eyes. “I had to.” “No, you really didn’t.” Simmons stands up tall. “I know that you aren’t used to things here, but usually if someone’s name is on a day for a chore, nobody else picks it up. That’s my job!” “Your job is doing the things that your teammates don’t do?” Locus asks, but there is something about it that seems… off. In ways that Simmons has never considered and definitely isn’t used to. “Or-” “I mean-” Simmons feels like he’d just been shocked. “That’s not it entirely! I just want to make sure that you and I have clear ground rules!” He takes a breath when he realizes that Locus has turned to face him partially. “You’re a new Red so you don’t really know how things work here!”Locus raises an eyebrow expectantly. Simmons takes another breath. “It’s just that you don’t even know our operations yet! Or Sarge’s protocols! As second in command-” “I was under the impression that you were third in command.” Locus deadpans.“It’s my duty to do everything that Sarge doesn’t.” Simmons keeps on going. This is a conversation that they need to have. “And to make sure that everyone else has their stuff together. I take the notes at our staff meetings and maintain the chore lists. I help make sure that things are clean, and-” He looks at Locus, and Simmons only gets what he could describe as a pitying look in response. He should have been ready for it and he knows it. But what right did Locus have to judge? He was new. Surely he’d never been in the same place!“Simmons,” Locus sighs, reaching for the towel by the sink so that he could dry his hands off. “I’m not trying to intrude on your place here. I can see that you value your position.” “I do!” Simmons exclaims, but when he looks at Locus’ face he can’t help but feel almost guilty. Like maybe he had misunderstood something. “I just want to be sure that everyone here will be able to co-exist.”

Locus takes a breath, almost wincing and seeming very unsure of himself. “I simply intend to try and stay out of the way.” Locus admits, making a point not to make too much eye contact. “I’m sorry.” Simmons can’t help the surprise that goes through him. He looks down at the chore wheel, and frowns. This is something that he should talk to Sarge about anyways, and Locus- He’s really just trying to exist. Doing chores that wouldn’t have been done otherwise. Contributing in a way that isn’t just carrying the team during Capture the Flag.“It’s okay.” Simmons says, but he isn’t quite exactly sure as to why he says it. The idea that he would ever have to reassure Locus about something would have been laughable, so long ago. Now it just feels… strange. And almost wrong. “I believe you about just meaning to do the dishes.” “That’s all I’m doing.” Locus replies, looking back at the dishes. He frowns, like there is something he’s unhappy about. Maybe something hadn’t come out as cleanly as he would have liked. Simmons doesn’t know. “I understand that you aren’t sure about me being here.” Locus says quietly. “I don’t blame you.” Simmons looks up at Locus and shrugs. “I mean, I think it’s nice having someone else that does chores. And Grif likes you.” That alone counts for a lot in Simmons’ mind. He got a taste of what life without Grif was like, and Simmons hadn’t liked it at all. Grif had said that he didn’t like most of them. He’d been excluded from that, which was a relief. But Grif having someone else that he likes is good. Grif seems happier. That matters a lot more to Simmons than anyone probably realizes. “Grif is…” Locus’ voice trails off. “He’s surprisingly… kind. I suppose. I don’t exactly understand his attachment myself, but… it’s nice.” “And Sarge likes you.” Simmons adds. “And Lopez too.” Locus shrugs, not exactly smiling. He’s far from confident and they both know it. Simmons frowns. He knows that Locus probably just isn’t used to people wanting him around in general. Even on Chorus it had seemed like Locus’ partner hadn’t even wanted him. It at least explains why Locus likes to keep his distance from the others. Maybe distance keeps it from hurting less in the long run.“I try to do what I can.” Locus says, shaking his head and going back to the work he was doing in the sink. Simmons watches him reach for a glass and a sponge, beginning to clean again. “You don’t have to like me.” “I know.” Simmons stands up and pins the chore wheel back up. He wants to say more to Locus, but can’t think of anything. Locus is different from the rest of them and they all know it. Simmons just wishes that he actually knew how to make himself fit with Locus around. “I just… I guess that it’s nice having you. We can win capture the flag now.” Locus raises an eyebrow. “I mean, you’ve evened the teams. Skill-wise, not people wise. Kind of.” Simmons barrels on. “And that’s pretty nice.” Locus shrugs. “You and your teammates deserve more credit than you’re giving them. But thank you.” Simmons swallows, feeling nervous still. “I should probably leave you alone, shouldn’t I?” “I would appreciate the space.” Locus replies, his shoulders stiff. “But the company hasn’t been terrible.” Simmons feels his cheeks get red mostly out of surprise, because he’s pretty sure that’s as close to a real compliment as Locus was even capable of giving. It’s a surprise, and not at all an unpleasant one. “I’m going to think about the chore wheel. I mean-” He looks back at Locus. “You’re a part of the team now. I guess that you should be included on that. And I guess that I should let you know that Donut’s Wine and Cheese hour is open invitation.” Locus freezes and looks back at Simmons with a very confused look on his face. “What?” “Wine and cheese hour.” Simmons clarifies. “It’s how we unwind as a team. You should join us sometime. Donut knows how to treat guests.” Locus is silent for far, far too long, and then he sighs. “I’ll consider it.” “Cool.” Simmons blinks. “Welcome to the team, I guess. And… I think that next time it’s Grif’s day to do dishes, I’ll do it. You can take out the trash that day instead.” Locus blinks, and nods. It’s not much, but it’s definitely an olive branche. One that Simmons hopes that Locus decides to pick up, because it’s something that can make Locus being there feel quite a bit less scary. “I think that would be good.” Locus says. “Thank you.” “Thank you.” Simmons answers. “I think I’ll leave you to it.” He looks back at the sink one last time, and Locus’ frame. He’s doing his best to fit in, Simmons understands. He’s familiar with it himself, and the least that he can do is try not to be the odd one out with regards to Locus being there. Figuring out a chore schedule is a good place to start. Simmons is sure of it.

[psshaw]

The Train/Murder Story

Uuuughhhh, fine I can’t stop thinking about it. FINE. Here it is, the absolute worst, dumbest, evilest Tucker story.

Here’s how someone like this eases you into his “criminal history”.

In addition to a bizarre (I’m now told nonsensical) cocktail of serious illnesses and psychiatric conditions and extremely disturbing abuse stories, he’s a petty criminal who’s never been caught doing anything. Here’s one from early on, testing my boundaries:

Admittedly, I tend to think lowly of shoplifters. But he’d removed any selfish elements, and I’m never ever going to stop someone from telling a cool story. Which will come in handy later.

It’s very “Jesus of Suburbia”. Stealing for charity, returning just for the thrill of it, never getting caught. Apparently in someone else’s RP, he once proposed that his self-insert would do good deeds that were somehow so good that someone would map them out and notice they made a pattern on the map. Gran. Di. OSITY. It’s interesting noticing how little I ask of him in our convos. If he ever truly liked anything about me, it was probably that I let him talk about himself for hours. Other people with, like, needs? Weren’t so lucky around him.

Plus he makes all these references to being super manipulative (but toward people who deserve it!!! For being bigoted or annoying or something!!!! You’re different and smart and pretty and you’re changing me for the better!!!!!!!!!!), and stuff like the lock-picking incident from the last post. Pretty classic delinquency. My life was nothing like that, but sure, some people just have issues.

But then he starts hinting at something darker. I think I texted something joking like “what, didja kill someone?” and he acted really ‘nervous’ and admitted it involved “taking a piece of someone” (paraphrasing, obvs). A physical piece? An emotional piece? My prevailing theory was someone’s prosthetic limb. Surely it wasn’t really murder, hahahaha. Ha ha. But eventually he told me... teeth. 

The only proof of that I have of that is me teasing more later:

(He wrote posts about how great I was and would dramatically narrate the PAIN of writing them. I didn’t follow his blog at the time, so this was... very obviously a way to make sure I read them. I have shots of a few, but this post has enough digressions already.) 

“Murder” has 162 CTRL+F matches in these logs, which actually seems low to me. Most of them come before this story. We talked about my serial killer characters, Tucker’s fantasies about being killed by them (I know, but I was used to people doing this already), and lots of horror movies and shows like Bates Motel and Dexter. We were so comfy with the subject that seconds before the story came up, we were talking about his hypothetical modus operandi.

VERY, VERY COMFY WITH THE SUBJECT.

And then of course, he has that classic Tucker Lightbulb Moment, like, “funny thing!-- This conversation reminds me of my dark, twisted past.”

Intrusive thoughts. Watch what he’s about to say he did because of intrusive thoughts. I don’t think he fully understands what that term means.

I don’t know if I’m more like a wide-eyed kid with a juice box, a mom telling him I’ll wuv him no matter what, or an overzealous drooly journalist. Back then, I had absolutely no fear. The internet was a beautiful place where I could read great or horrible things, enrich myself with other people’s articles and blog posts, and just... click away, and not have to engage with anyone on an emotional level. THIS... was like winning the Omegle lottery and chatting with Jeffrey Dahmer for a while. Even as I was reading this story come in line-by-line, my brain was screaming “holy crap fuck stay cool, this is a once-in-a-lifetime experience, good thing I’m ready to ghost this messed-up dude when he runs out of stories.”

Which he has to do eventually, right? Nope. There was always a new one to string you along with.

So while we bonded over the fact that he trusted me with this confession he’d never made before (HUGE lie, check footnotes), this story actually backfired on him.

Because WHY WOULD YOU TELL SOMEONE YOU JUST WIG OUT AND HURT PEOPLE AT RANDOM? THAT YOU THOUGHT OF SOMEONE AS “PREY”? WORST CASE, IT’S TRUE. BEST CASE, IT’S WHAT YOU WRITE WHEN YOUR ONLY EXPERIENCE WITH MURDER IS... GOD, I EVEN THOUGHT PARTWAY THROUGH “THIS SOUNDS LIKE SOMETHING I READ ON DEVIANTART IN 2004”. But I decided this story was “not self-aggrandizing enough to be fake”. He adds this “pathetic” element to every story. It’s like a humblebrag, but for dark pasts one normally gives to their most goth Neopets.

Note that the guy getting his head bashed in is even more stereotypical than the guy from the bar fight, and the motive is just bare. He’s a prop, a cardboard standee Tucker flipped over. This story isn’t about a guy dying, it’s about Tucker, who conveniently wrestled with no horror or guilt at what he’d done, doesn’t feel haunted by taking a life or by being chased by the police or by the fact that he uncontrollably killed someone and could do it again, OR THAT I would tell someone with authority what he did. But no, the only emotion he apparently knows is “sweaty”. 

It really felt like I was talking to a film character. A freshman film student-level one, at that. I had to convince myself these things were true, only because I couldn’t prove they weren’t, and I didn’t understand how he thought he was benefitting from these lies.

In retrospect, we think this version of the story was him trying to appeal on some level to my thing for evil characters. But he totally misunderstood that my focus is on charming, funny cartoon villains that like to break out in song, not “basically Johnny the Homicidal Maniac”.

So this story is scary as hell. People ask sometimes, “Why would you keep talking to a murderer?” Which is a fair question, but it implies that I would normally overlook a murder and become codependent on an obvious psychopath. Which, ew.

The thing was, he immediately went back to being a cutesy, relentlessly flirty guy worrying about nothing more serious than his day job and drawing furry commissions. Because... well, that’s what he really is. And the fact that I’d listened without saying “shut the hell up, freak” definitely endeared him to me further, so I got even MORE praise for being special and different and able to save his messy ass. And so the cycle of codependency continued, and we dug ourselves into a deeper hole.

He never really talked about being haunted by hurting another person, or worried that the police were onto him. He never wrestled with the fact that he could someday do this to someone he cared about. He didn’t even seem to feel guilty. He was about as nervous about this as I would be about stealing 20 dollars. The story was only made to give him faux pathos. That’s all.

I don’t think he’s hurt anyone without the help of a keyboard, honestly. Which, thank god.

To support that theory: there are OTHER versions of this story. 

Memories are imperfect and tainted by emotion, but I saw enough crap like this that I believe the core of these testimonies are true. Individuals are designated by color.

These are from the convo where I realized my experience wasn’t unique:

And from talking to a friend, one he’d devalued while getting obsessed with me, but not the one mentioned in the "Fake Ask” post:

The theme of trains is apparently common.

“Anika Harlson” is a fake name from when he would be high school age. Not being able to use your legs-- CLASSIC teen fib.

Ending this on a silly note: He still tells people he’s a murderer. Last I heard, he was still not denying it when asked, from the safety of private chats to all of 4chan. He would rather tell the whole internet he’s a murderer than admit he lies sometimes. That’s, haha… that’s the complete opposite of what a murderer would do.

God, this is the most fantastic mess. It’s just really freaking interesting, too.

And I really want to thoroughly illustrate how this stuff happens, cos I wish someone had told me! If I do another post, I’d love to touch on how someone like this serially creates codependent relationships, and the idealization > devaluation process.