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08melancholie · 3 months ago

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Patch up, Cowboy. — Micah Bell/Arthur Morgan

tags: Tension, Sexual Tension, Unresolved Sexual Tension, Unresolved Tension, Mild Smut, Non-Graphic Smut, Blood, Blood and Injury, Blood and Violence, Gay Panic, Sexuality Crisis, enemies to whatever the fuck they are, Jealousy, Jealous Micah Bell, Micah Bell Is His Own Warning, Toxic Yaoi type shit i love them oh god, Arthur Morgan Does Not Have Tuberculosis, Medium Honor Arthur Morgan, Toxic Yaoi

summary: Law always finds itself around Micah and Arthur, no matter what job they do. This time, though, they get surprised by a bunch of bloodthirsty O'Driscolls and one hell of an ambush. Put your differences aside and patch up, cowboy.

a/n: my first character/character fic thats posted woah, were making history here chat

words: 3,040 | AO3 LINK

A red rag draped over his leg, medical alcohol between his thighs and Micah's chin in-between his index and thumb, holding up a clean cotton cloth to his mouth and collecting blood.

"'Ya gotta stay still." Arthur's voice grumbles, slightly strained. The fire next to them crackles loudly and the night is silent, all for the occasional cricket or animal howl in the far distance or moving shrubbery. "I can't do it if you're squirmin' around the entire time." He holds onto the chin of the other with a firmer grip, trying to wipe his bottom lip of the leaky red substance. Micah's hand stay in his lap, palms squished between his thighs as he leans his head back, looking down at the other cowboy.

He snarls when the alcohol-infused material brushes over his busted lip, trying to jerk his head away—to no avail, as Arthur's grip keeps him exactly where he is, unmoving. "Damn it, Morgan.. thought you was a gentleman." His laugh is a small wheeze, the hot breath escaping his mouth and landing on Arthur, who tuts at him and shakes his head at the comment.

—————————————————

A nice little homestead that needed urgent clearance and robbing—deemed perfect for Arthur and Micah, by Dutch. Clearly not, by Arthur's protest to the idea. Micah gives a very offended scoff at the other man. "Come on, Morgan. You an' me, it's a perfect team." Arthurs' eyes practically roll to the back of his head, but he can't find it in himself to go against Dutch's word, no matter how much he may hate the blonde snake.

He gives Dutch a look, very obviously, before sighing and calling Micah to follow over to where their horses were hitched up. They rode mostly in silence, every attempt at small-talk between Micah and Arthur lasting a measly few minutes, if that many.

The homestead looked partially abandoned when they arrived. "This don't look good," Arthur wanted to listen to his gut and turn back, or find something else that actually looked promising, but of course, Micah was having none of it.

"Oh, don't be like that," He rode Baylock closer to Arthur and pulled on his horses reins. "thought you was one of them.. 'don't judge a book by it's cover' fellers." He mocks, trying to get Arthur to keep riding towards the homestead. With more reluctance, Arthur follows along. "That's the spirit." Micah makes sure to comment, looking over his shoulder to where Arthur is riding close-by. They hitch up a safe distance away—you never know, even if it looks abandoned. "Follow the lead, cowpoke."

Micah's got his hands on his two DAs, fidgeting with the handles while they slowly creep up the area, heading straight for the little house. Arthur puts his bandana up and places his hands on his gun belt, walking to Micah's left. They approach the front porch, making their way up the small set of stairs and up to the door. A quick glance to each other, Micah puts up his own bandana and nods for Arthur to have the honours.

The door swings open into a worrisome silence, nothing but the slow creaking of the old hinges as the door slows its pace and hits the wall. "Well, looks like nobody is home." Arthur glances at Micah at his quip, narrowing his eyes before walking by the man.

He gets straight to business; opening drawers and cupboards for anything useful. Micah does the same—kind of. He looks here and there while mostly just exploring the house. Soon, Arthur is left alone in the main room, a living room and open kitchen. He's looking through the kitchen drawers when the silence gets abruptly disturbed; a gasp, metal clanking, a gunshot. Arthur is quick to stand up from his crouching position and draw his revolver, checking the corners over to the room where the noise came from. As much as he'd love to see Micah shot, he doesn't need that right now.

One of the doors down the hall is ajar, and theres a scent of gunpowder coming from the room. A quick cock of his revolver, huff and prayer before Arthur enters the room; just to find a grinning Micah, leaned on the wall and playing with his revolver. "Didn't know 'ya cared that much about me, cowpoke." Arthur is just about to berate the blonde for the idiotic quip, before he's met with Micah's wide eyes— "Shit!" —and a quickdraw. Micah shoots right past his shoulder.

Arthur grips his gun and turns, to see a man on his front bleeding out on the living room floor. "The hell?" Both of them exit the room, Micah first.

Micah walks up to the dying man, using his boot to kick the mans gun out of reach, just in case. He crouches down and grabs a fistful of his hair, lifting the body up slightly. Nothing that could make him stand out—except a bright, neon green neckerchief. "What's an O'Driscoll 'ere for?" Micah murmurs between the two men before using his brain to connect two and two together, releasing the dead mans' hair and instantly standing to his feet, walking and shutting the front door.

Arthur catches on just as quickly, instantly readying his gun. "O'Driscolls ain't ever travel alone..." He comments, and he's very correct—proven so by the sudden gunshots that smash the house windows, glass flying over the floorboards as both of them duck, away from the view inside of the house through the broken windows. It's at least four other people shooting, against the two of them. They've dealt with worse, surely; this will go smoothly.

They're ducked under one of the two windows each, peeking out to shoot. Theres a few more than four, seven instead. Which is odd, as O'Driscolls never really go out in bigger groups than of three or four, which makes Arthur and Micah assume this was very planned. That's an afterthought, for now, as they need to focus on shooing them all dead. First three go down easily, until the other four start getting closer to the door. Something Arthur and Micah don't notice, is the O'Driscoll right at the door just waiting for the right moment. When it does come, it almost ruins the entire mission. The door opens, hitting Arthur in the side and shielding him from whats happening on the other side when the O'Driscoll busts in. Micah, thankfully, has a good reaction time and manages to stand up and move before getting shot. Unfortunately, it isn't enough as he gets shot in the thigh by the O'Driscoll before Arthur can close the door and shoot him. Micah hisses as the bullet penetrates his skin, clutching it and spitting out blood from his mouth, having bit the inside of his his lip open during the small stumble to the ground. "Get up, Micah!" Arthur's back is pressed to the door to prevent anymore surprises. Micah regains his composure with a low grumble, spitting on the floor before getting up and grabbing his guns again.

Gunpowder fills the nostrils of the two men by the time the last one of Colm's men escapes for his life, rushing away on his horse before Micah or Arthur can shoot him down. "Damn it," Arthur holsters his gun and places his hands on his hips, looking over to Micah. "we can both agree that was planned, right?"

Micah is picking glass out of his boot, sitting on the couch inside the house. "Mm, yeah. Seems so." His thigh is still bleeding slightly, his chapped lip stinging. Arthur got him a towel from the bathroom to wrap around his bullet wound, try and stop the bleeding until they can get him taken care of.

"Can't stay here, might come back." Arthur comments, opening the door and checking the surrounding area before beckoning Micah to follow suit. He grumbles, getting up from his seat and putting his guns into their holsters, walking—a bit uncomfortably—around the shattered glass pieces and out the door. They're mostly silent for the walk back to the horses, given how theres little to say here. Micah mounts up on Baylock with a hum and pat to the steeds neck, Arthur soon following. It was getting dark, slowly but surely, as the sun started dipping down around the earth, deep oranges and pinks filling the sky, with faint hues of blue still present. "I say we camp out, don't trust going back like this." Micah shrugs neutrally, deciding on just going with whatever Arthur has to say. They ride a few miles away from the homestead, into a nearby forest.

With their horses hitched safely, the two outlaws set their tents up and Arthur starts a little fire while Micah tries cleaning his wounds up. His lip is absolutely busted, few smaller gashes and splits in the bottom one along with the bigger one he bit into his flesh. It's a hassle to clean, even more his thigh. One spot on the towel is fully soaked, absorbing Micah's blood like a sponge. Peeling it off brings a grumble out of Micah, turning it over to a cleaner side and dabbing at his thigh. Arthur finished up the fire and looks to Micah, who seriously looks like the doesn't know what he's doing. For a man so stubborn, Arthur knew Micah would never allow him to help the clueless outlaw.

"You know what you're doing?" He decides to speak up, getting up from his crouching position and placing his hands on his gun belt.

Micah looks up at him from his thigh with an annoyed pout. "Of course I do.." He continued to dab at his thigh, but starts slowing down. "..clearly."

Would his hatred for Micah win over, be more important than not letting him get a nasty infection? That's a million dollar question.

And here's your answer.

Arthur sighs before walking over to the man and casually seating himself right next to Micah, prying the towel out of his hand. Micah goes to protest, snarl at him, but Arthur shushes him. "Don't be an ass now, it'll get infected if 'ya don't do it right." Arthur places a two fingers on Micah'd thigh, stretching it slightly which causes some vulgarities to slip from Micah's mouth. "Ah, 'm sorry," he places the towel back down and goes for his satchel, digging out a flask-like bottle and a small rag, along with a mini-box; mystery item, woo. "Hope 'ya don't like these pants that much," Arthur draws his knife and, carefully but swiftly, cuts up a better opening to the wound through his trousers.

"These are practically all I wear, Morgan. Surprised 'ya haven't taken notice of it."

"One of the girls'll sew it up for you." Arthur replies. Micah rolls his eyes and sits back, letting Arthur work with no further quips or protests. Arthur takes the flask and pours some of the liquid onto his clean rag, removing Micah's towel. "What's that 'ya got there anyw—shit!"

Arthur presses the rag—now soaked in medical alcohol—down onto Micah's thigh, grabbing his knee with the other hand as Micah tries to jerk it away. "Don't be a baby, Bell." He keeps the other outlaws' leg close, not letting him pry it away. "You're fine, stop overreacting."

Micah grumbles again, still letting out little hisses to the burning-tingly sensation in his leg. "Could'da warned me, 'ya know?" He mumbles, placing his hands in his lap and looking away from the white rag on his leg as it slowly changes in color.

After a moment longer, he takes it away and drapes the slightly red rag over his thigh, moving to grab the box. He opens it to reveal a needle and some thread, for the stitching. Micah watches him place the end of the thin string piece in his mouth, observing the action. A little too closely, maybe. Arthur runs the thread through the hole in the needle, looking at Micah. "No snarky comment 'bout it?" Micah rolls his eyes while Arthur gives a brief huffed laugh, leaning down slightly. He places his whole hand on Micah's upper thigh, trying to use the campfire to better see what he's doing.

A few twitches here and there; a gasp or two; Micah's arm finding itself gripping onto the wood log they're sat on. He never liked getting stitches. Nobody did, to be fair, but he had an extra hatred for it. He let out a deep exhale when Arthur finally finished, relieved. "We still got that lip you chewed open." Arthur reminds him, which breaks Micah away from his moment of gratitude. "Come on, it ain't nearly as bad as this," Arthur gestures to Micah's fixed up thigh, and he just waves him off. Arthur puts the needle and thread away, thankfully, and instead gets another smaller rag out. I mean, damn, is he always this prepared? Micah angles himself slightly more to face Arthur, who dabs a bit of the alcohol onto the clean rag, making Micah grimace. "You'll be fine." Arthur sees his reaction and clicks his tongue at the man.

A red rag draped over his leg, medical alcohol between his thighs and Micah's chin in-between his index and thumb, holding up a clean cotton cloth to his mouth and collecting blood.

Despite how confident he sounds, Micah is sweating; his hands are clammy and his eyes are slightly widened, staring either at Arthurs hands or his eyes, switching frequently between the two. Arthur was mostly focused on making this less painful for Micah, surprisingly, so he didn't notice much about how Micah was reacting. Thank God.

The rag swiped over his gashes, sending little tingles through Micah's mouth, causing his slightly parted lips to twitch a few times. His eyes were on Arthurs' face, taking note of the slow flutter of his lashes every few seconds he'd blink; the crease in his eyebrows as he focused; his slightly crooked nose that's been broken a few times, something he knew of, because he was there for one of the instances before; the slightly plum-ish color of his mildly chapped lips and their mostly thin, yet soft look—stop.

He grimaced at his own trail of thought, and his lips clasped down closed—right over Arthur's thumb. The man glanced right up at Micah's face, which was getting more red by the second, his blood split between going to his face and his trousers. Arthurs' eyes flicked between Micah's mouth and eyes, just like Micahs' own two. The silence was deafening, awkward and felt so much longer than it truly was. What made it even worse was Micah opening his mouth, just for Arthur to keep his thumb there for a moment, staring intently at Micah. Both of them hadn't yet realised the very defined outlines of their erections, leaving little to imagination if any of them dared look down and check.

After what felt like years, Arthur clears his sore throat and retreats his hand, wordlessly starting to pack up the medical supplies. No words were needed, actually. Their new, little problems spoke volumes, that much was obvious. Micah slowly got up and instantly retreated to his tent, leaving Arthur to intently wait for Micah to close the flaps before hunching over and exhaling all his pent-up breath, head in his hands. What the hell was that?

He glared at his own boner when he leaned his head down, cursing at himself. The distaste he held for Micah was not strange to anyone; in fact, it was a known fact that Arthur simply did not like Micah. That's how its always been, and how Arthur planned to keep it. None of this... whatever it was, with Micah, will ever mean anything. Arthur knew what he was, like Micah did. Both of them were specifically only into women, and this was a simple reaction of touch-starvation, their bodies being confused. That's what they'll go with.

Now there's another problem to solve, in the tent right next to the culprits' own one.

The campfire had long extinguished itself by morning when Arthur walked out of his tent, instantly feeling a certain heat in his cheeks at the sight of Micah—the early-bird, obviously long awake by the time Arthur had gotten up. Micah doesn't dare look his way, the beige hat he wears covering his cheeks well enough. The mere knowledge of his presence brought color to the pale, weathered skin of Micah Bell.

The awkwardness of last night didn't even compare to the one of riding back to camp. It was quite the ride, a slow, silent and painfully on-edge trot through West Elizabeth and back to Horseshoe Overlook. Neither of the two spoke, not even small-talk was deemed possible at this point. They rode alongside each other for a few hours, silent and red in the face.

Seeing camp come into view might have been the highlight of this trip for the two of them.

They hitched up wordlessly, ready to part when Dutch's voice beamed through the campsite, making both men curse and reluctantly turn. "My boys! Tell me, how was that?"

The truth would make him lose his goddamn head.

Kudos on AO3 always appreciated! This ship has me in the worst chokehold known to mankind, they make me absolutely sick and make me want to bite my fingers off for writing this but..... toxic yaoi. Need therapy bad.

EDIT: I honestly left this a very open ending, and technically; a part two is possible. Please do tell me, on AO3 or here, if that's something you'd like to see! <3

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vanteguccir · 9 months ago

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idk if this will go through but ill try. i want to try and clear things up before it gets out of hand. drama isnt necessary. i made that post to back up my friend cause this topic means a lot to them. thats not to say i didnt mean what i said but im gonna be honest with you im not even apart of this fandom that much anymore so. it wasnt my intention to make you think i was hating on you i only wanted to see if you could find perspective on the situation. i know it doesnt seem offensive to most people but thinking from matts point of view it must be pretty embarrassing to have people so openly speaking about a breakdown he experienced. expand on other areas of their life if you want but this one feels a bit to close to home to be comfortable. obviously i cant tell you what to say or do or think but i was hoping you could try and consider our point.

-evangelineshifts

Okay, here we go again

I understand that, maybe, your reblog on top of my story was harmless, but it still doesn't make sense to me that you backed up your friend when she insulted me, asked other people to throw hate at me, and said to me, a 20-year-old woman, manager of an area of a multinational company and student at two universities, to "get a life", as if I was a nobody

NO ONE in this fandom creates fanfics with the intention of the triplets reading them one day, we create them for ourselves, which is exactly why our characters don't have a name, but Y/N, and we create each of the stories from our imagination and our desire, that's exactly why we even have fanfics where Chris and Matt are drug dealers, even though they say that they would never smoke, OR just like we have several fanfics based on one of the podcasts where Matt almost had a panic attack

The triplets have already read much worse fanfics than the ones that exist here, and they know that we write everything we want about them, and I have NEVER seen them complain about it. If you want to criticize some fanfic writer that writes about the triplets, you should go to Ao3, there are fanfics even about inc3st

If you don't follow up the fandom anymore, I genuinely don't understand what you're doing here, and it's definitely not by acting like this that you're going to change my opinion or that of any reader and writer of the fanfics on the Sturniolo's Tumblr

#vante asks #chris sturniolo #matt sturniolo #nick sturniolo #sturniolo x reader #sturniolo triplets

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cowboy-robooty · 1 year ago

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no guys see robooty itager is the slowest burn fucking imaginable. because i think that 1) italy would have to initiate them dating since germany thinks hes rejected forever after buon san valentino (my boy loves one sided crush) and 2) if they dont slow burn theyll crash and explode. because i think italy takes forever to realize he genuinely really fucking love germany and ONLY loves him and is willing to be loyal 'n treat him well to have him. Since i think italy isnt the type to really love ever since his kindergarten crush so he takes forever to recognize what he feels is genuine love (plus his love is born from a sense of entitlement but thats a whole 'nother enchilada). but yeah and because they take forever and are fully developed in their feelings when they date things are happy happy sunshine swag peace and love ❤️ they do stupid shit as bros the only difference now is they make out sometimes and japan cries himself to sleep everyday ^_^

but in a world where somehow they started dating BEFORE italy completely sorts out his feelings then OHHHH MY GOD. HELLWORLD. LITERAL HELLWORLD. because italy would totally cheat on germany and germanys heart would have youtube poop glass shattering effect explosion and italy would be #unloyal and #mean #scumgong and he would break up with germany for being so clingy and upset about him breaking his heart everyday or germany would break up with italy because everyone in his entire life (2 people: japan and prussia) is telling him that he needs to because italys making him chew glass (they take like 6 years to convince him and have to resort to saying its for italys own good if he breaks up with him). and then when they break up germany would hashtag die and explode because he obviously still loves italy but hes held back by prussia to not come back to him and tries to satiate his autistic brain by thinking "he was mean to me and told me to leave. im sorry ill leave now sorry for bothering you" and he also doesnt feel close to anybody except italy and has to go "brother....... i am.... not feeling good right now........" and cant say much else bc WE SAW IN THE ANIME GERMANY WANTED TO VENT ABT ITALY AND REALIZED HE HAS NOBODY BC HE ONLY IS CLOSE ENOUGH IN THAT WAY TO ITALY. and then cut to italy and hes partying it up because hes pissed off at germany for being on his ass hardcore every single day for the past god knows how long (hate my wife syndrome) until a while later the partying slows down and he has a bunch of moments where he thinks "well usually right now germany would do [thing]" and that builds up until he is hit with the full realization that germany is not going to stay by his side anymore. because hes run away now and hes never ever coming back. and that realization is like the evil version of italy realizing that he loves germany and wants him to ALWAYS be by his side; so much so that hes willing to do what it takes and compromise and be loyal n shit to make that happen. and now italy is freaking out because he doesnt feel this urge ever and now hes already fumbled the dude hes fr in gays with. but this realization is evil because its under a sense of panic and shit so its also motivated by italy feeling a sense of entitlement to having germany by his side and like HES SUPPOSED TO BE HERE.

and from there italy would get back together with germany either easily bc he would just ask and say sorry and germany would go "well to be fair I should have been better as well. yes we should try again i want to too, i will try my best to not fail you this time." or it would be hard because germany would have his mind made up (with prussias support and urging and shit) to be like no italy we arent good for eachother and i cant (shouldnt) forgive you for doing those things to me and italy would be like Oh. and chew glass and freak the fuck out until he decides hes going to use #emotional manipulation and sob to everyone about how germany wont take him back and make everyone hate on germany and call him a terrible guy n shit to make germany feel so guilty and think hes an awful person to italy that he takes italy back. but even then their relationship is now fucked up forever because they live in perfect symbiosis thats their entire thing but now they dont because germany now has doubt of italy because of how he went into their relationship before and didnt give a fuck and italy unlocked his evil paranoia because now when he gets scared that germany will leave him he cant be comforted by thinking that would never happen because IT DID. HE WAS SEPERATED FROM HIM IT IS POSSIBLE TO MAKE GERMANY RUN AWAY. and because of that italy gets a lot more freaky about not wanting anyone to like germany so germany wont like them more than him and being emotionally manipulative and possessive and yandere shit because his paranoia is driving him to it. itager is great because it has so much potential to be evil like italy could emotionally manipulate germany so hard and all that shit but it would never happen because germany is so loyal and obsessed with italy that he never makes italy feel paranoid and like he has to. theyre like imagine if someone who has potential yandere gene in them dated a person who loved them more than anything in the entire universe and bends to their every will and never even glances at another person. that yandere gene is never getting activated bruh and at most manifests when italys like WAHHHH GERMANY YOU WONT LIKE RUSSIA MORE THAN ME RIGHT?? WHY DONT I HAVE THE MOST GERMAN TOURISTS IN THE WORLD WTF IS THERE SOMETHING ABOUT ME I NEED TO CHANGE????? but in the world where they rush things they break up and it disrupts all this homeostasis and makes them a little evil afterwards because italy has excessive paranoia that cant be quenched and germany has autism doubt because "he betrayed me once...... so hell probably betray me again *cries*"

#robooty kun #sorry not abt my life but this is robootys fucking essay #itager #i looooveee this shit okay dey make me crazy

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tamrielf · 1 year ago

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ive been living with sensory issues my whole life, i freak out when someone makes small changes to my routine, like i hate doing spontaneous things, most of the time i hate physical affection, & i have such a hard time socializing & making friends. i have bipolar disorder and other disorders like anxiety, etc. but my treatment for those things doesn't help with these other issues i have. i hate being like this and i want to work toward change but i don't know what to do to work toward it. 😞

like i said i have trouble making friends and i always have since i was a kid. i've always felt like an alien compared to other ppl. and that's fine because i prefer being alone. but i hate that i can't act normal in social situations and ppl always think im rude or weird when im not trying to be 😢 and it sucks because i kinda have to be in social settings sometimes because i have children. and i dread it for these reasons every time. nobody is interested in the same things as me. and when i talk about my interests ppl tell me im too obsessed with something or tell me its weird altogether. which hurts. and when i am able to make "friends" i always get taken advantage of because i can never tell when someone is taking advantage of me and my kindness or if they have malicious intentions with me. and i feel stupid every time because my bf will tell me they are "obviously playing you" or my mom will say stuff like "can't you tell that they aren't interested?" or the one i always get is "why can't you see that this guy is flirting with you/trying to sleep with you."

idk if im just having a panic attack or a mental breakdown or what. but this has been building up inside of me for years. i feel so stupid and weird. i have to carry lotion around with me because if my hands don't have moisture on them at all times i literally sit there with chills going up my spine and i can't touch anything. certain clothes make me want to rip my skin off. and my family gets annoyed every time i have to run back in the house because i forgot to grab it. which just adds to the guilt i feel for being this way and i can't control these issues no matter how hard i try.

i've literally made so many lists and "rules" for myself on how to act around ppl and i try so hard to follow them just to get through whatever event is going on.

i think thats why i throw myself into my interests and use them to escape reality so much. once i find something i like i become obsessed with it forever and i talk about it so much to the point where my bf tells me its too much. certain characters and shows are the only thing that brings me comfort sometimes. i have so many unnecessary lists and categories for my interests. i know its very time consuming and pointless but just having them makes me feel better. like pinterest for example is my best friend lol. making these lists and stuff just soothes me in a way. as stupid as that sounds. but even tho it comforts me it still makes me feel stupid because ive never met anyone else who does that.

i've never ever spoken about this stuff online/publicly before. mainly because of embarrassment and fear of being bullied for it since ive already been relentlessly harassed for a million other things. i just have so much anxiety all the time. and doing pointless things helps with it but i want to stop feeling this way. or at least have answers as to why i am this way so maybe i can fix it. im tired of feeling awkward or different from other ppl. i want to be normal and pleasant to be around. i want to get along with the other parents at school functions instead of being scared to talk to ppl. i can't even make eye contact with anyone i talk to. ive tried since i was LITERALLY a child and no matter what i always get scared or nervous and look away. and its really noticeable to other ppl because they've mentioned it to me.

i'm posting this to vent but also maybe someone reading this has gone through the same thing or can help me. because i feel so hopeless and im scared im going to be this way forever. ive only been able to find info on the sensory thing and ive found that there is no way to get rid of it. ive tried everything and ive given up on that. but i know i can change my actions and how i interact with ppl if i can just figure out WHY i am like this.

pls don't laugh at me or say anything mean if you choose to comment on this post. i already have so much anxiety and fear about posting it. i don't want sympathy or anything like that. i just need help 😞🥺😢

i have an appointment booked for seeing a psychiatrist but that isn't until november i haven't seen one since i was a little kid. so i'm hoping to maybe get some answers in the meantime.

i already can't work and im getting disability soon because my bipolar is so crippling. it affects my ability to function so much. and i have these other problems on top of it. the fact that i can't even make a living like "normal" ppl makes me feel bad about myself already. and since i can't get a job or a career i want i just want to feel normal in my everyday life and around ppl AT THE VERY LEAST.

#kh

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acemarkey · 2 years ago

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today on ena and cater's ramblings and character analyses: david chiem's system coding!

as a system ourselves, we've managed to pick up on some of his behaviors, which are, if you look deep enough, symptoms of did and/or osdd. so we're gonna talk about that now!

the layout of what we're going to talk about: his "facade" slipping (masking), his possible memory issues, him pausing before doing stuff, his tumblr page quote, and just going over his entire reveal (since it shows a lot).

1: facade/mask slips

several times in drdt, david's facade will slip when he thinks no one's looking, or if he's stressed. the first example is in the prologue itself, during his introduction:

and then he panics and asks teruko to forget what he said right after:

thats the first instance.

there was also before the first trial, when david snaps at teruko to shut up and leave him alone before immediately correcting himself and apologizing, along with several others.

during trial 2, david rambles on about arei being tricked, spewing out derogatory adjectives, and nobody really questions it?

this can be seen as both masking (pretending to be a different alter/one person, essentially) and cofronting (when there are 2 or more alters fronting at once).

the first instance in the prologue seems more like masking, as do most of his slip-ups. the one before the first trial seems like cofronting because of how quick the correction was.

otherwise, he's good at maintaining his mask.

2: memory issues

...it's clear he has memory issues, and they're very apparent in trial 2.

we'll talk about him forgetting the conversation with are in the last section. for now, we're focusing on this:

david doesn't remember going to the relaxation room at first, and he goes along with it because if they're saying it happened, it had to have. and teruko points out his confusion.

but the topic is changed after.

before the breakdown, he said "i was wrong, i think," as if he didn't really know what he did and what he was taking accountability for.

memory issues and amnesia are a big part of systemhood, especially if you have DID. if there are any other mentions of david forgetting things, someone let us know so we can add them! because we forgot. very ironic, i know.

3: pauses

before doing a lot of things, whether it's acting or responding to someone, he pauses for a second, or ignores someone.

like, when he's asked for his alibi pre-trial 1:

of course, he could just be ignoring teruko, since xander just died. but.. he does this a lot.

he hesitated before running after arei. and. well. we'll talk about the rest at the end.

this can be seen as switching (which we'll talk about with the breakdown), or dissociation. mostly dissociation, though? i don't know how to elaborate, but he just seems more distant than one would during this. shrug.

4: quote

this isn't concrete in the slightest, but the source code quote on david's tumblr page is "i hate you, i hate you, i hate you, i wish you would just die."

we know that most people will likely say their quotes in some canon media, like min and arei have. and the quotes, i think, can be up to interpretation on who they were about. arei's doesn't count, but min's has both first and second person pronouns ("i wanted to save you.") honestly? in canon context, this can be seen as her telling teruko she was trying to save her, and her trying to save herself from execution.

david's also uses first and second person pronouns, which we don't believe any other quotes do. obviously, he hasn't said it (yet), so we don't know who it's directed at, but since most quotes are somewhat directed at the owners, it's clear it'll be somewhat about himself.

this completely diverges, but we think it could be "pre-reveal" david directed at "post-reveal" david. since... it doesn't seem like the two like each other, based on how relieved post-reveal david felt after dropping the facade (even though i don't think that's what happened), and pre-reveal david's panic over being called a manipulator.

5: chapter two, episode eleven

alright, this'll be the longest section, but it covers a lot of stuff.

first: david didn't remember the conversation with arei at first.

second: at first, he was panicking over being called a manipulator (he panicked twice! first with arei, second right before he broke down).

first instance ^ here, we don't know what happened after yet, but he was extremely quiet, like mentioned before.

second instance ^ right here, he clams up real bad, as teruko points out.

and what happens right after?

he breaks down. the way we saw it was him switching out with the post-reveal david, but it can also be seen as him giving up on masking. with the long pause, it feels like a switch, though.

and suddenly, after the breakdown, he remembers everything, from meeting arei to going to the relaxation room, and has zero problems with being called a manipulator. he doesn't pause that much anymore, and just takes it all with zero issue.

he did a complete 180. two very different personalities.

now, we hit the image limit, so it's hard to elaborate further. we'll close the post off here:

tl;dr: david is incredibly system-coded, whether it be on purpose or not. he dissociates, has moments that can be described as switches, struggles to mask sometimes, and has bad memory issues.

#danganronpa despair time #drdt #danganronpa: despair time #fanganronpa #david chiem #drdt theory #woooh!!#🎨#♦️

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her-canine-teeth · 10 months ago

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maybe by flower face - notes

Im sorry abt the blocks of text in the middle omg it was NOT supposed to be this long but im citing ppl! very exciting.

STILL WITH COLOURS but now its harder to explain bc its not pov; theyre being talked to. so im gonna just keep the original colours from the planning doc (wich is mostly who is shown rn)

jackie blue, shauna red

You cut so deep but

she cuts herself. p obvious i think. but its not only physical (more or less) but also jackies words (in the context of the whole scene)

I’ve always loved you deeper

1we know cannibalism is a sign of love (at least i think everyone whos found my edits does. idk the fanom rlly apart from tumblr). shauna has always loved jackie (even though she doesnt know it), through the years of feeling inferior to jackie (until the end). 2jackie cuts herself to give to shauna but its like more outer layer ig? anyways shauna eats like. her whole or at least not 5 cm flesh

Those voices in your hallway, if you let her in,

sort of resembles a hallway//obvsly th hallucinations started before she ate the ear but it was like the start of the hungry thing

You’ve gotta keep her

love the eye thingy omg. same as above

who’ve you been talking to

more like 'what have u done' but u get the picture

What do they want you to do?

also like. obsvious i think

Baby, I’m afraid you’ve been reckless with my heart

NOW jackie is talking. no more 3rd person narrator.

anyways yeah i dont rlly know what to explain here. she tore the last connection jackie had to their friendship and uh @amygobrrr said it better than I could rn

bc "Shauna was supposed to be the one person who truly loved her. The one person who loved Jackie, not as a soccer captain (like the team did), or as just a girl (like her boyfriend did), or as the mirage of perfect daughter (like her parents did), but loved her as her, as Jackie. Shauna's journal reveals even that to be a lie. [...]

Jackie is hurt, not over Jeff—though he provides her with a convenient excuse to the others—but over what Shauna being willing to sleep with him says to her about how Shauna must view their friendship. Shauna has told her that love and friendship don't matter. The romantic love Jackie knew she didn't feel for Jeff, the romantic love she believed Shauna didn't feel for her, and the platonic love she believed Shauna did; none of them mattered, none of them ever existed. [...]

Jackie is, at this point [the arguing scene], totally convinced that no scrap even of the friendship she was so desperately clinging to really exists. Everything she feels for Shauna is unrequited—everything except, of course, the anger and the hurt."¹

anyways thats why she died

While i was sleeping you slipped in and burst apart

sleeping = death. thats my humor. bursting apart references the panic yk sorta

God knows i love you so, but i won’t be your ghost

(^ thats not wjat ure hungry for is sorta love to me. idk why but i always have to think of that. one day im gonna analyse that)

ghost/hallucination idk. jackie tells her 'what? actually, you dont know. [my death] was totally ur fault'. shes not formless, passive, not just like hanging there (obviously its more shaunas pov as shes the one imagining the whole thing. so its shauna making jackie reject her again? (nvm the 'but we were just children' rn) maybe bc its because thats the most prominent memory shauna has of jackie; being rejected constantly. bc of jeff, bc of her giving her attention to other ppl, by telling her what to wear etc and therefore directly rejecting a part of shauna herself.

in her hallucinations jackie is way more like sharp and mean sorta; thats how shauna remembers her. this is how she lives on in her memory; for shauna, jackie is saying: im not yours, i never was and i never will be, even after death. even when literally nobody else can see me (REGARDING THE LYRIC. NOT THE ACTUAL TEXT i should probably say this.) doesnt matter if that is how jackie really was/felt about shauna bc thats not what it is about. not anymore, not for a long time; its about how shauna sees jackie, and herself through jackie. jackie doestn exist anymore; shes a mere mirror through which shauna sees a distorted version of herself whcih she attributes to jackie. (i feel like i should make a post abt this (esp bc you can reverse the whole thing) if somebody is rreading this (hi) pls tell me if i shouldd)

You’re the one who’s in my body ripping at the seams

(still jackie talking like vo style) I LOVE THIS its about shauna living jackies life. she lives the normal, homecoming-queen, married-her-hs-sweetheart life, not the went-to-brown life. instead of jackie - bc she 'killed' jackie (for the sake of this symbolism). thats shes in her body is a bit more extreme than that shes just living her life but like i get it? she has assumed jackies role, she literally married jackies boyfriend. shes not living a live similar to the one jackie wouldve led, but literally living her life.

but its ripping. bc shauna is not jackie (but fundamentally different.) shes not the normal housewife; if its only bc she cheats or her violent tendencies (outright murder) or her past alone. stuff thats like bigger than jackies body? idk how to say that. rabbits dont symbolize that but they remind me of like innocence almost? childlike maan idk how to say that but stuff that shauna is decidedly not; stuff that jackie probably would be. to me, it shows the difference; shaunas assumed life vs her real self. shes keeping the ceramic rabbits, shes keeping them, shes trying but shes still sb else. its not her life, it was never supposed to be

You’re the one who’s crashing on the highways in my dreams

(now shauna is talking) the bridge has aways been symbolic with dreams for me. probably bc its night there idk anyways jackie is haunting shauna, similar to a nightmare. when she turns jackies gone; it becomes abundantly clear that its not real, its a dream but shes still dead

maybe i won’t, maybe i will

yeah. maybe shell stay outside, maybe shell come inside

haven’t slept so easy since you left me in the wild

rlly love this bc technically shauna left jackie outside, in the wild. and she didnt sleep that well out there (she died). BUT i love it more to interpret this as 'jackie went outside, jackie died and left shauna alone to spiral into madness or something close to.' also shauna hasnt slept that easy after tbh

I wish i could have loved you right

bet she does wish that. bc they loved each other! they really, obviously did. but they (here shauna) didnt know how to do it right;

but i was just a child

(which makes sense consiering their circumstances etc). and they were children and like its normal to make mistakes and idk its probably not that normal to cheat on ur bff with her boyfriend but the point is children make mistakes. only normally they dont die for it. and i dont think shauna was cheating on jeff for jeff but for jackie (which is like. wildly popular thought (?)(has to be bc ive heart of it lol) so i dont think i have to explain it much) (or at all rlly) bc she wanted jackie and the only way she could have her was by getting with her boyfriend (the only person with which she was physically sort of closer than shauna). smell jackie on him and pretend its her etcetc

maybe I won’t, maybe I will

she was with jeff, she is with jeff, but in the same way jackie was and is still with her.

Run back to you

always (shows the progression, jackies always there frfr)

There’s something dark inside me and i can’t get it out

violence etc; its obviously still in her adult years

My thoughts ring in your voice now and i can’t make a sound

like i said above. shauna projects her thoughts onto jackie

You loved me holy with your cross and your disease

eating=holy??maybe. cross stands for faith; technically christian faith but it says YOUR cross and its a heart so its their faith into each other. disease bc idk made sense in my mind

Did you feel that close to god when you had me on my knees?

actually not sure abt that one; either its jackie asking: shaunas finally standing her ground, being bigger than jackie, confronting her and jackie is subdued (on her knees)

OR its shauna asking (in the context of the argument) if jackie ever felt that close to god when she idk put shauna under herself?? how do i word this (in shaunas pov) and jackie responding 'what? no'

If you don’t love me now, well then we all go down

if shauna doesnt go outside to get jackie inside then theyll succumb to cannibalism. and jackie dies (which is what happens, bc shauna does not 'love her now'

I’m your sweetest parasite, you fill me up with pesticide

shauna still loves jackie. think thats clear somewhat. (=sweet) jackie basically nests herself in shaunas brain, wont let her go (=parasite). pesticide doesnt refer as much as like. 'go away fuck u parasite' but, U GUESSED IT, the words that jackie says. bc she doestn actually say them (bc shes dead); thats shaunas doing.

bleed me Baby, gemini, hurt me til you feel all right

she bleeds. she loves her. idk what else to do. she does tell her; twist: shauna still is very much not alright

and i won’t, no, i won’t

she wont

You got into my head and now i’ll never be the same

'parasite'; as we see the violent tendencies have carried on into the adult life. also I rlly like her look here I think it rlly captures the essence of what i was trying to say

My trigger finger twitches every time i hear your name

well she does look uneasy

And maybe I won’t, maybe I will

maybe

Run back to you

literally spends the rest of the song running back to her. BUT ITS NOT RLLY HER OMG

you can find the edit here

¹whole cited post

#mitos incredible life #long post #like fr guys every time im writing these i get possessed halfway through and go completely off the rails #jackieshauna: The Shark In Your Water - notes #jackieshauna: The Shark In Your Water #god dont i love having Too Many Tags #anyways

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the-sun-is-also-a-star · 1 year ago

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sheep, i had a thought (if you don't like wolfstar ignore)

Imagine Remus and Sirius. They're like, objectively, gay. They know they're somewhat queer. But nobody told them what queer is. Nobody gave them the opportunity to understand their feelings.

James, on the other hand, knows what queer is. But he isn't. He assumes his very obviously gay friends know they're gay. Upon learning that they really don't (and naturally poor moony is having many panics that thinking Sirius is hot- especially after he takes off his shirt- is a sin, very wrong- I'm imagining he was raised Christian by the muggle counterparts of his family so struggles with religion) know, James talks to them.

For once Potter isn't jokey or silly, he's just. (excuse the pun) Serious. He tells them what it means, how ok it is (specifically focusing on Remus) and how he accepts them.

Now they understand their feelings. Sirius is a lot more confident. He did know, like, boys are hot. But he thought that it wasn't a thing. Remus feels a little better but still struggles.

And then we get to watch them fall in love.

rockstar, (thats your name now thats what I'm calling you) wolfstar is my whole existence atp

this is like one of the best things I've ever read. its not many a time where you see james understanding sexuality before wolftstar but i LOVE this i hadn't actually thought about it.

amd like sirius growing up in a blood supremacist pureblood household, so obviously he had no idea what bejng queer was and remus growing up in a conservative christaian household so he doesn't know it either.

but hear me out, hope and lyall being SUPPORTIVE parents about it too

omg this is so good

#rockstar tag!!#sheba asks

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starscelly · 2 years ago

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anyone want an essay on how i think/interpret Miro as just a Guy rather than miro the player, wrote on 23hrs of no sleep and having not read it over once since? bon appetite.

so. if you know/follow me you know i am a Big miro heiskanen guy. occasionally to a deranged level. and as much as i feel the need to scream about him every .5 seconds i do in fact have to confess. i have no fucking idea what his personality is. like he’s so insanely quiet and/or professional in everything he does that im like ok, but who the hell is miro the Guy.

and initially i put all of this on language barrier stuff - typically, guys who have super strong accents or not the best english tend to be more comfortable in interviews with their first language. and miro for sure is! but it’s not stuff you couldn’t pick up on from his english interviews or even watching him on the ice. whether its in finnish, english, or the universal body language, at first look miro is a pretty standard hockey player: he’s pretty quiet, has no problem chirping the guys in his circle, and is nauseatingly humble. he stumbles through the same interview clichés, he doesn’t go out of his way to pick fights or get physical - will typically avoid it, even - and he doesn’t tend to get super yappy towards other players or refs. if a little scrum doesn’t directly involve him, he’ll skate in to get his guy or break it up, but he almost never even Looks at what’s happening (i’ve noticed he just looks down at the ice a lot if he has to step into commotion near the net or anything). like he is the most normal, boring man in the world seemingly. minus a few more yappy angry moments this season. he just seems happy to be here and ruin the lives of the opposing team all the while being like :| :\ !!!

but like. obviously i would not be making this post if thats all i had to say lol. when i’ve heard the term “quiet confidence” used to describe guys its… well its quiet in the way every hockey player HAS to be quiet. like they’re quietly confident because they know if they go in front of the media and say they know how amazing they are, someone online will immediately call them full of themselves and talk shit and scrutinize. the sport is team-first occasionally to a fault, we all know this. but if the behavior of a lot of guys in this league can be described as quiet confidence? miro’s confidence is silent. everyone on this team will talk about how they’ll lay down their lives for him. kill for him, probably. but you will almost definitely not directly hear the words “i am the best defenseman” coming from his mouth, no matter the context.

but you do, you do hear hints of it if you really listen. you hear it in the “i know when i play well” line he gave razor. you hear it in the not hesitating or being nervous to say “i was happy with my defense. it was defensively my best season”. you hear it in that one postgame where he says he had robo swap places with him because miro knew he was a stronger skater and would do better going backwards. you see it in the way he saw the panic from losing one of their highest scoring defensemen, their “top dog” dman, and can tell in the change in his play that he just knew he had to take up the mantle, he was gonna be The Guy with nobody else to fall back on, there couldn’t possibly be another option. and he’s succeeded TREMENDOUSLY at this, for the record. i’m sure there are others for it, but i feel like one of the reasons he never gets big with cellying is because he thinks he just did what was expected of him, why would he go crazy over something he knew he could do. in an nhlwam he talked about scoring more this season (outright saying he needed to be better about getting points for the norris btw) not as if it was a goal to work towards, but as if it was something set in stone, definitely going to happen. hell, even when hes getting chirped (by calling him attractive. a very hockey chirping) for looking like leonardo dicaprio, he doesn’t default to “ahhh nooo…” or “yeah right”, he says “no, nobody made fun of it. i guess they liked the pictures”. it’s never loud, he’s never boasting, he’s just very sure in his own abilities and doesn’t feel the need to brag about things he thinks should be expected for him anyways, or things he already knows he’s good at. like its a given. silent confidence.

i think it’s very very easy when guys are as quiet as miro is to write them off as. i dont want to talk specifically abt fic characterization so know that that’s not the context of how im talking abt this lol i just cant think of a better word. but its easy to act like he’s “submissive” almost. like i feel like there’s this underlying narrative of allowing himself to get pushed around by older defensemen and whatever. but i dont see that? not in that like. i think there’s fights in the fuckin locker room or something. but i get the vibe if he wanted to say something, he would. we’ve seen him yap at refs when absolutely necessary (hell. we saw him hit one and get away with it somehow lmfao), i personally can’t stop thinking of the lack of hesitation from him to call out / make fun of suter in an interview with kivi (in a lighthearted way, on a non-hockey related matter but still an embarrassing one tbh).

i feel like we all get this idea in our heads when people are placed in positions like his - initially as second priority to klinger, and then constantly being stuck with a liability on his d pairing - that they probably just get like. "oh this sucks, but i cant pick a fight about it, for team dynamics/coach respect/whatever". but i do think miro just. genuinely is not worried with it. he knows his own ability and cannot be bothered by whatever else is around him. which im not saying as a defense of the some of the…. defensive coaching decisions. but i do seriously think he doesn’t even care. not in an apathetic way, but in a complete confidence that he’ll be able to handle whatever it is way.

#i feel like i lost a plot a little towards the end. but this is miro heiskanen 2 me #i have genuinely struggled with this for a long time lol #bc im like. okay he's not the guy getting dragged around and out and about everywhere like a shy kid.#which i feel is an interpretation i see or see similar to a lot. which is fine!#but also. he's not like. fuckin. tyler at his age. yk #obviously theres a lot of in between between the two but. idk #this is mostly an appreciation piece for his confidence/mindest tbh #also its like. when he's seen as this completely silent little thing. why do u think they gave him an A.#why do u think he has to release the bitch so often #recently #idk!!!!! just thoughts. thinking #miro heiskanen #yap yap yapping #long post #hey. let me know if this is entirely incoherent LMFAOO

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canthelps · 1 year ago

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Summer North's incredibly personal Fouth Album-A Little More Time- is OUT NOW! listen here

Happy Birthday @lcvewaslcst

Song explanations under the cut

The Alcott (The National and Taylor Swift)

summer wrote this after the meeting with their lawyers and going to the bar together. its the surprise that molly still wants anything to do with her, about how difficult it is for her to be with her after she knows shes hurt her so much. she doesnt want to get ahead of herself, because she still thinks that shes unworthy of mollys love. “how many times will i do this and you’ll still believe?”

Sunshine Baby (The Japanese House)

written while they were starting to get back together. shes worried that shes gonna fuck it up again but all she wants is just to be back with her wife and its all she can focus on. she just wants life to be easier “well ive gone a little crazy, surely someones gonna save me. i dont know whats right anymore, i dont wanna fight anymore”

I Love You but I Need Another Year (Liza Anne)

much darker sound, written in the depths of the break up. about how she broke up with molly because of her own mental health. she doesnt know how to deal with her mind. “you’re sticking around but how can you stand it? I can’t salvage your mind while im losing mine. and nobody should have to deal with this. but i need you i dont wanna leave you” Also a sick song live because she gets to show off her guitar skills and headbang. probs a fan favourite live. the whole thing sounds like a panic attack

Emily I’m Sorry (Boygenius)

Called Molly I’m Sorry (obviously). An apology song to molly, pretty obvious. she’s sorry for what she did. she shouldn’t have done it. she loves her too much. written a few weeks after the lawyer meeting/the bar. summer coming to terms that she could come back “im twenty seven and i dont know who i am but im becoming someone only you could want”

A Little More Time (Role Model)

Is about summer struggling being in LA, far away from her home and family. Molly is the only thing holding her to LA, so when they break up she doesn’t quite know how to feel about it. Its about her realising that the only thing that will make her love LA again is being with Molly. “in a city with no seasons, in a house thats not a home….am i permanently broken, or is it just the sunshine blues?”

Bad Idea (Girl In Red)

They hooked up while broken up. its literally just about that. they should not be booty calling each other when theyre broken up and trying to figure things out but they do. its a banger and the fans love it. summer wasn’t sure about putting it on the album bc it makes it sound like she cheated. but she and molly both know thats not true and thats all that matters. also the use of darling links back to the previous album

Big Star (Lorde)

another song about how she doesn’t deserve molly. summer does refer to herself as a cheater in this song but once again she never cheated on molly! just a lovely song about how amazing molly is and how much summer loves her. ignore that the original is about a dog. its romantic. “toss up if its worth it every time i get on a plane. i’ve got so much to tell you and not enough time to do it in” was probably written before the break up. when her downwards spiral was starting

Not Strong Enough (Boygenius)

I DONT KNOW WHY I AM THE WAY I AM NOT STRONG ENOUGH TO BE YOUR MAN. literally its just summers mental issues getting in the way of her being happy lmao who can relate! was written on the same day as sunshine baby bc shes what? TALENTED.

Gemini Moon (Renee Rapp)

another song about how summer believes she is actually the worst!! anxious avoidant attachment who? no its just her gemini moon. “i bet youre sick of it, believe me so am i….but really i should just be better to you” honestly this one is a maybe for the album but ive been working on this playlist for months and i want to get it done

Anti-Hero (Taylor Swift but the Keaton Henson Version)

do i really need to say it? its me hi im the problem its me?

Everything (Muna)

shes helplessly in love with molly and everything is about her even when theyre broken up. was written deep in the break up when all she could think about was her wife “four hundred and counting and my only question is how would you feel if one was me. would you wish we made love again, would you want to revisit the marks on my skin, cause the world could be burning and all id be thinking is how are you doing baby”

Show Up (Samia)

its a song for her fans, about how no matter whats going on in her life she will always show up and perform for them as long as they still want her to

#yes i went a bit extra with the tracklist but!!#summer has many emotions and its an important album #ship: summer and molly

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opinion-haver · 1 month ago

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these replies perfectly summarize how we got to the issue of devaluing human connection in the first place and how this post is pretty much exacerbating the issue:

“yall are so dumb” - this sentiment writes off an entire population of people who are struggling. literally destroying human connections directly. and i think that in and of itself is dumb

“this is sooooo dystopian” -its pretty obvious how people running to ai therapists fullblown sucks and is dystopian but one must not forget that pointing at an issue isnt actually addressing it, especially when the comparison is rooted in nostalgia.

“these people are pitiful”- another strain of thinking people are so dumb. its patronizing. if you cant find shared humanity— if you cant see within yourself a version that would succumb, you dont understand the problem.

honorable mention: the tools introduced above lend a very fun look into how ineffectual the system is and how these tools dont address at all the reasons why one would speak to an ai therapist in the first place.

worksheets: if i was going through a breakup or panic attack or some shit equivalent you would be absolutely kidding me to think that i would open up a worksheet. im suicidal not a masochist. zero humanity in that response.

chart-games: i find these useful, i even made a modified in-browser personal guide just for myself. but the issue is that most of the times conscious malaise isnt often cured by just eating or drinking just because you forgot. and thats if you remember to go to the website when youre doing badly in the first place. if im in hell im checked the fuck out.

finch: as a daily user of finch, i know directly how helpful this tool can be. it pairs the dopamine rush of games with executive function, like so many other gamified trackers out there. i like the data analysis personally, reflections are so useful to knowing yourself from day to day. but its very much trying to monetize your self care. to gate some of its tools behind a premium subscription because (paraphrase) “you deserve self care” is insidious as hell. and the ways it treats you is patronizing. i know youre dressing up a cartoon bird but i dont think helping the bird discover it likes baby shark is particularly salient to the aging tumblr userbase

ok so ive complained a whole lot. but in order to put money where my mouth is, whats the solution?

well obviously! to foster human connection of course. if these people dont know what real human connection is like its because nobody has BEEN real human connection for them. and vice versa— if you strawman these people into mindless idiots then clearly you dont understand their psyche.

in lieu of an ai therapist, reach out to a gd friend.

if you dont got friends, go make em. its ez. outside is easiest— show up to some kind of local thing or the other. it doesnt have to mesh with you completely but learning about Hetero Jessicas worklife balance is way more illustrative of human reality than chatgpt. but outside is not the only way. go ping someone random. get over the initial fear. fall in love with strangers. learn about their cats and trade cat pictures or some shit. its not easy but its worth it. hell, if you want to dm me i might even reply, if im not busy.

solidarity saved me. it can save you too.

guys. please

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langermanns · 20 days ago

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discussing alters

ok well. now im going to actually talk about the system itself because nobody is listening so that means i can say whatever i want. and make it look pretty so i can organize my thoughts better. yaaay

blake — also known as michael because i felt stupid naming him after blake langermann. anyway. a few years ago i was leaning really heavily on outlast 2 to work through some stuff because i thought i was in a safer space to deal with things that i had never been able to revisit and process before. but things were sooo bad during that time period, he ended up shouldering a lot of the damage and i guess ended up becoming a whole separate alter. so i would say he exists to deal with this specific brand of yucky feeling. (should mention that he is me right now. like. fronting.) both in dealing with what happened in 2019-2021 as well as the stuff i was originally dealing with. he just makes me think of cold miserable weather, the silence of snow, being alone in the woods, cold seeping through your socks. that post-traumatic feeling. and he tends to be a lot better at articulating his feelings than the host. at least in regards to those specific traumatic time periods. when its the host fronting, i dont really want to talk about any of it. and if i try, he ends up creeping in and either making me shut up entirely or i get like this, where i just yap yap yap about it.

hush — not sure i know how to talk about her. she's sort of an early version of blake. an extension? but she came first. and i have a lot of complicated feelings about her for a number of reasons. first, she's a girl. i mean she is me, and i used to be a girl. im okay with saying that. but there is that element of dysphoria in referring to myself as a girl. also just the fact that she's younger. definitely a representation of myself from back then. and i try to keep her away most of the time, if that makes sense? like, i dont want her to front, and if she does, then i want her to be protected. safe and alone. i dont want her out and about, i dont want her around anyone at all. she can sit in my room and play video games until we go to sleep and i wake up normal. i could probably make a whole separate post to talk about her but idk if i want to. i think i panic a little at the fact that she exists at all, so i try to shove her away to protect her, but then im kind of mistreating her by not acknowledging her? i dont know. its complicated

adam — bro this guy. i hate him. if i had any doubt about whether or not i have at least 1 solid, distinct alter, he is that. persecutor. angry, he is so angry and violent and awful. you know in the perks of being a wallflower, where charlie blacks out and beats the shit out of that kid? that's adam. literally. i have done exactly that. so i guess he serves as kind of a protector, in the sense that if there is an issue he will solve it (with his fists). but he's also just so angry he doesn't care who he hurts, including himself. he's just a stupid pitch black pit of rage. its not that i cant control him, because ofc i have the sense not to hurt the people i care about (besides like, being a little grumpy towards them). but at the same time i kind of genuinely cannot control him, i cant control when he fronts, and i cant calm him down when he does. it is worrying bc i know how much damage he can do, and in my "right mind" i would not do any of the insane shit he does. which obviously does not excuse me from the consequences of his actions, because those are still my actions. we are one person. but i can look at him and say that he is separate from me. to the rest of the world we are one person, but i know that he isn't me.

ok well. i think thats it? i wont bother talking about the host because thats literally just me. i mean not exactly, because im fairly certain that blake is fronting rn (forgot to mention that the only time i feel comfortable talking about system stuff is typically when blake is fronting, lol). but the point is, the rest is just me. ^ these three are just the people that i can recognize as "not quite me." with adam its very distinct, and with blake and hush its like... you guys are different, but im the only one who really knows that. so. yeah. idk i have more thoughts but thats enough for now

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da3drat · 2 years ago

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How about questions 3 and 5 for any couple you like?

AAA tysm for asking! :))) (sorry this took so long???? i didn't expect it to get this wordy sdjfklsj)

gonna do martin/celeste since I feel like I've been neglecting them in favor of [redacted] hahaha

3. By contrast, what was the moment that first made their ~heart~ Soft for the other person? Not necessarily a conscious realization of “I love this person,” but a moment that had them like “Oh…I adore them…”

Celeste is pretty soft hearted by to begin with lol, so it happens for her very quickly. There's so much build up to meeting him between the long walk to Kvatch where her mind has time to wonder what he might be like, and then the hours of adrenaline and panic of getting through that first oblivion gate only able to hope and pray that he's even alive. So when she finally meets him and all that buildup of energy releases, the relief has her vulnerable. And she tries to get him to go to the camp at the base of the bluff to wait for her where its safe, but he insists on staying to help despite everything he's been through since the initial attack the night before and she's just like. oh. i am going to protect this man if it kills me.

For Martin it takes longer, but it still happens before they reach weynon priory.

After they leave kvatch he is understandably very quiet. He has a lot on his mind (understatement), he's overwhelmed, and he just went through an incredible amount of trauma and watched people he's known and probably counseled as a priest for years get brutally killed by daedra. So after a few days of silent walking Celeste starts babbling. It's not nervous babbling- it's relaxed and clearly meant to be comforting. And he doesn't expect it to work but it does, it gives him something to focus on, and he learns a lot about her very quickly. She talks about her family, the ranch she grew up on, about restoration magic and swordplay and holiday traditions, and the more she talks the more he finds himself interested and wanting to know more.

And after a day or so of this it opens him up a little and that night by the fire, as if she can tell he's ready to talk (she can) she looks at him and says "You look like you're freaking out." And he can't help but laugh because yeah obviously what the fuck. But it breaks the tension and it gives him an avenue to talk without it feeling quite so heavy. And she listens to him. Really listens, in a way nobody has listened to him in a while, like he's the only thing in the world worth paying attention to in that moment. And by the time they turn in for the night he finds himself feeling lighter, and really grateful for her. Not her as "the person who showed up to save my life" but her. As just Celeste. As a friend.

5. How do they consciously realize that they like the other character? Does it take them a while?

For Martin it happens right away. Suddenly becoming the emperor comes with a particular kind of solitude and loneliness he isn't used to. And that solitude hits him hard when Celeste leaves for the imperial city. We see in the game that the blades don't know how to treat him as anything other than the Emperor, and even if it gets better over time I think he needs a friend the most towards the beginning of the game where the pain is still fresh and the anxiety is at its worst. And Celeste is routinely the one who gives that to him. She laughs at him and with him, she's warm to him, she treats him like a peer. And when she leaves he really feels her absence and it makes him realize how much she means to him.

It takes Celeste longer. She is a paladin of Mara and she does her damnedest to embody what she believes that means- she is overflowing with love. So it takes her a while to realize that Martin is special to her, that the affection and care she feels for him is different than it is with anyone else. She figures it out when she returns to the temple with the mysterium xarxes and Martin goes "thats dangerous, give me that!" and she feels like her heart is just exploding with warmth. People don't worry about her. She very intentionally doesn't give them reason to. She never returns with injuries, she never implies any of the insane tasks they ask of her is more than she can handle. But Martin worries. Martin sees through her mask. And that is everything.

questions here!

#THIS GOT SO LONG IM SO SORRY #i have much to say about these two #tysm again for asking!!!!<33333 #celeste #the dragon waits #martinxceleste #asks

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