#obviously i had to redo the ending and take out the suicide but i typed up both versions anyway

[psychoticwillgraham]

just remembered a short horror story that i wrote in 9th grade (which is unfortunately lost to time now) that my English teacher was obsessed with and tried to enter it in a statewide writing competition for me but they rejected it bc it was obviously about a lesbian couple.

basically the only restrictions were no curse words except for hell and damn and it couldn’t be extremely gory which was definitely a challenge for me bc that’s when i started writing rlly gory stuff.

basically it was about a lesbian couple (they were married even tho gay marriage wasn’t legal yet but this is fiction so.) who got separated during the zombie apocalypse. the main girl, the protag, was able to get back to their house in time to board it up but her wife was still at work and had called her to warn her about the zombies. she said she was fine and not to worry because ‘I’ll always come home, no matter what’ and when she hung up the phone, she said ‘I love you, and I’ll see you soon’ even tho the protag already knew her wife was fucked bc she couldn’t leave the workplace due to the lockdown.

so basically the protag reflects on their life together, already knowing that her wife is probably dead already and was as soon as she hung up the phone. it gets real emotional and she goes through her wife’s things to pick which stuff she’ll take with her, and starts packing.

near the end, it had to be like 2k words or less so it was short, she hears the front door creak open, and immediately grabs her gun and runs to the living room. at first, she assumes that it’s her wife and that she’s ok. then as her wife shuffles in, protag realizes it’s her and gets excited for a moment, until she sees her face. her wife had already turned and walked all that way from her job just to see her partner. the protag then loses her shit and lowers the gun, running towards her zombie wife who hasn’t made any moves to lunge at her and eat her yet, and embraces her, knowing that she’ll probably be eaten by her eventually. and even if she was going to die, she wanted to die in her wife’s arms.

her zombie wife hesitates for a moment, looking like she’s about to bite the protag, but instead hugs back, and that’s when the protag’s decision is made for her. she kisses her wife one last time, steps back, and shoots her. she drags her to their bed and tucks her in one last time, then says her prayers and kills herself right next to her wife. and in the end, her wife kept her promise.

she’d always come home, no matter what

[sannie-hannie-archive]

Tagged also by lovely @jeongjarsofhannie!! Thank you so much Daphne!!!

Tagging: If you want to do it obviously you do not have too if you don’t want too :) .... @angelyoons @bbysquirrelsblog @leetaeiil @fightmejeonghannie @jeongahn @eggyyoon and anyone else who wants to do it....I don’t have many people to tag lol

rules: answer these 92 statements and tag 10 people! if there are questions that are too personal or you don’t want to answer, skip them or make a new one :^)

THE LAST (1-5):

drink: Water basically all I drink now

phone call: My dad

text: Don’t text much

song you listened to: Hola Hola by KARD

time you cried: 2-3 days ago from stress gotta love preparing for college

HAVE YOU (6-11):

dated someone twice: Haven’t even dated someone sooo....

kissed someone and regretted it: Never kissed anyone either....

been cheated on: Nope since I’ve never been in a relationship

lost someone special: Yes unfortunately...

been depressed: Lately...a little...

gotten drunk and thrown up: Nope not old enough to drink yet....I’m almost 18 soo....

LIST 3 FAVORITE COLORS (12-14):

Dark sapphire blue

Dark purples

Black

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU (15-21):

made new friends: Yes all of you guys aka my mutuals 

fallen out of love: Nope never been in love to begin with

laughed until you cried: Definitely lol

found out someone was talking about you: Nope but everyone talks so who knows....

met someone who changed you: Yes

found out who your friends are: I don’t know how to answer...? I guess

kissed someone on your facebook list: Don’t have a facebook sooo....No

GENERAL (22-34):

how many of your facebook friends do you know in real life: Don’t have a facebook so yeah...

do you have any pets: I wish!!!! I love puppies so much omg <3<3 I want one so bad...

do you want to change your name: Sometimes yes sometimes no depends on the day lol

what did you do for your last birthday: Uh not much really....Just stayed home and relaxed

what time did you wake up: 8:30....Unfortunately...

what were you doing at midnight last night: Sleeping.....

when was the last time you saw your mom: Literally 10 minutes ago probably

what’s one thing you wish you could change in your life: Nothing yet....Maybe redo last year so I can be better prepared for college but I’m taking a gap year since I graduated a year early so I have a whole year to get all my testing and applications done so yeah wish me luck with that....

what are you listening to right now: Nothing....

have you ever talked to a person named tom: Yup 

most visited website: tumblr/google/youtube one of those three probably google

LOST QUESTIONS (35-64):

moles: I have one on my side where my ribs are, a couple on my back, and I think that’s it...

marks: I have 3 scars on one of my hands, a ton on my knees, a long scar on my leg, and like a few on my arms.....I’m so clumsy lol

childhood dream: Vet

hair color: Ruby red with blue ombre-ish ends lol

long hair or short: I have long hair but I’m thinking about cutting it short...

do you have a crush on someone: Not really....

what do you like about yourself: I’m pretty nice to everyone I meet, friendly, and helpful. I’m also very hardworking and determined to make something out of my life...

piercings: I have 2 sets of them on my ears but I want more....

blood type: I have no idea...

nickname: Shay

relationship status: Single

zodiac: Virgo

pronouns: She/Her

favorite tv show: Tons.....I can’t decide between Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood, The Flash, Attack on Titan, or Sleepy Hollow....

tattoos: None but I wanna get a few I think...

right or left hand: Right handed

surgery: Does having tonsils removed count?

hair dyed in a different color: Yes...I dyed my whole hair a different color which is red (my natural is dirty/strawberry blonde) and dyed my ends blue but when I was younger I dyed sections of my hair a lot of different colors....

sport: I love to play Softball but haven’t been on a team in forever sighs....But I love to watch Football and Basketball with my dad

vacation: Anywhere I just would love one! Never been on one in years...

MORE GENERAL (57-73):

eating: Probably a pastry soon

drinking: Water 

i’m about to: Look up and study for the SAT probably....

waiting for: Nothing really.....

want: A lot of things lol

get married: I want to eventually when I meet the right person and I’m ready...

career: Game Designer hopefully for Square Enix or something in culinary...

WHICH IS BETTER (65-73):

hugs or kisses: Hugs <3

lips or eyes: Eyes <3<3

shorter or taller: It doesn’t really matter to me...I don’t care about height much...

older or younger: It doesn’t matter to me either....As long as I love being around them then I don’t really care if I like you I wanna hang out with you simple as that...but as long as it isn’t too much of an age difference...

nice arms or nice stomach: Uhhh what?

sensitive or loud: Uh not sure...probably sensitive because I’m a pretty quiet person so I don’t know if I can handle a loud person...

hook up or relationship: Probably relationship

troublemaker or hesitant: I’m more of a hesitant person so I like more hesitant people but I don’t mind troublemakers as long as they don’t do anything extreme....

HAVE YOU EVER (74-83):

kissed a stranger: Never

drank hard liquor: Nope 

lost glasses/contact lenses: I probably need them but I haven’t been to the eye doctor sooo...no

turned someone down: Nope

sex in the first date: Uhhhhh never

broken someone’s heart: Don’t think so

had your heart broken: Nope

been arrested: Nope

cried when someone died: Yup.....I’m a very emotional person sooo yeah

DO YOU BELIEVE IN (84-89):

yourself: Not really....

miracles: Definitely

love at first sight: I believe you can be attracted to someone at first sight but not love someone....

santa claus: When I was a kid yeah...

kiss on the first date: Yeah probably

angels: Does Jeonghan count? jkjkjk but yes I do...

OTHER (90-92):

favorite thing to do when you’re bored: Sleep, Play video games, Watch tv

do you wear socks to sleep: Never I hate that

favorite movies: Tons but none I can think of right now.....Any Marvel movie really, Suicide Squad, John Wick movies, Pirates of the Carribean movies, All the older animated Disney movies, and I’m drawing a blank....

[otnesse]

Reply to BringsYouWings

Responding to BringsYouWings regarding her reply to my reblog on Together Forever.

Did you see how massive her gym got? She’s doing a great job as Gym Leader with lots of Water Types to train– being a Pokemon Master is a very undefined goal! But getting close enough to a Water Type to Mega Evolve has gotta be bringing her closer to that.

Yeah, I saw that, and I also knew about her mega-evolving her Gyarados before that as well thanks to the Televi-Kun bit. Heck, part of the reason I'm really looking forward to her gym battle with Ash is because hopefully she'll restore honor to herself and to all Gym Leaders as well especially after what the idiot writers did with them in AG.

Unfortunately, after how Hoenn and Unova's Gym Leaders got the whole reputation of Gym Leaders being skilled trainers irreparably tarnished, and how even Sinnoh's Gym Leaders, who definitely were somewhat competent, only got to be competent by a downgrade in Pikachu and Ash's competency where they lost to them despite their having beating a freaking Regice beforehand, I'm very cynical about the Gym Leader profession in the Anime as a result, and especially regarding how Misty's Water Pokémon Master goal most likely won't be fulfilled while she's Gym Leader.

To explain exactly what's driving me to think that, let me bring in an anecdote regarding, say, Team Rocket. In particular episode 3, the second episode they were in. Jessie, James, and Meowth managed to defeat Ash's Pidgeotto, blindsided Pikachu, and they had the advantage in EVERYTHING, even if they didn't resort to two-against-one in a cheap match against Ash. The only Pokémon he has left is Caterpie, which aside from being completely inexperienced, but was also weak enough to be captured without even a fight, and more importantly was near-DEAD thanks to earlier events (it had only one battle under its belt, the aforementioned Pidgeotto which nearly got it killed and eaten for breakfast due to Ash's complete idiocy). By contrast, Ekans, Koffing, and Meowth were a LOT more experienced than Caterpie (at least in the dub of Island of the Giant Pokémon, they were under Jessie and James' team for a whole year before the events of the anime), had the type advantage, and even managed to take out the pokemon that gave it trouble earlier. And in Meowth's case, he was probably with them for even longer than that. Despite all of that, Caterpie not only beat them, it utterly, completely humiliated them easily. Thanks to that loss, Team Rocket got a reputation of being grossly incompetent trainers not only among the fanbase, but based on some barbs by Misty and some other characters, even in-universe, and this was despite their first appearance having them be formidable enough to actually have wanted signs requesting their capture.

You might be wondering, okay, what does that have to do with the Gym Leaders, and by extension Misty? Well, thanks to that so-called Fresh Start for AG, Ash started using completely rookie-based teams against the Gym Leaders of each region after Johto, exempting Pikachu (which is a whole other issue in itself thanks to the writers loving to do pointless level resets on him, with BW being the worst of them). It initially started out a bit well, as Roxanne at least lost to Pikachu, a confirmed veteran, and Brawley managed to completely beat Ash and Ash winning on a retry (the only Gym Leader in Hoenn to ever do so if I might add. I'm not counting Norman, because they needed an excuse to force Ash to go the route of the games, especially when he obviously isn't Ash's father unlike Brendan/May). As soon as they got to Flannery, however, it completely fell apart as each and every single one of the Gym Leaders started losing far too easily to his rookie team (and in the case of Wattson, both Ash and Wattson seemed to outright cheat during the fight, the former with Pikachu being supercharged, and the latter with his using a robotic Raikou.). That reminds me far too much of what happened to Team Rocket in Episode 3. I could tolerate it with Team Rocket, since I am sort of expecting that bit even if I don't like it. I CANNOT tolerate it with Gym Leaders, however, since they're supposed to be leagues above that kind of mockery. DP does slightly better, where Ash actually DOES have to work on actually beating the Gym Leaders with various retries, and tying in one case, with his rookie team. Unfortunately, while it does allow for good development for his Sinnoh-Mons, it came at the cost of shafting Ash and especially Pikachu themselves, considering Pikachu ends up losing to the gym leaders considering that same Pikachu managed to completely wipe the floor with Brandon's Regice, so, while a slight improvement, it's not enough to truly redeem them. Then BW came along and proceeded to turn Ash into a huge-scale idiot that even made OS Ash seem like a bona-fide genius by comparison. That bit, alongside them redoing the whole "let's have the rookies trash most of the Gym Leaders like they were tissue paper" plotline for all of them, save for the infamous Palpitoad gym match, made the Unova Gym Leaders out as being even WORSE than the Hoenn Gym Leaders. And the Hoenn Gym Leaders and how they were depicted was an ESPECIALLY sore point for me because of the fact that this was right after the writers callously forced Misty to abandon her goal by having her sisters completely irresponsibly leave the gym to her while they went on a cruise, since it seemed to imply that they are thinking, "Misty's so weak we should make her a gym leader and be a punching bag to a bunch of rookies! Ha ha ha!" This is a really disgusting treatment for even a decent trainer, much less one who explicitly wanted to be a Water Pokémon Master in the OS.

This is in direct contrast to the Original Series Gym Leaders where, Misty's sisters aside, the gym leaders (even Team Rocket in their brief stint as Gym Leaders) were complete and utter beasts on the battlefield (Brock was formidable enough that Ash had to supercharge Pikachu just to even have a shot at winning after beating him with minimum effort. Lt. Surge managed to wipe the floor with at least sixteen trainers prior to Ash in a month, and did so with such viciousness that many of his opponents had to be sent to the Emergency Room afterwards. Sabrina's psychic powers, let alone her skills, were such was that even challenging her is essentially commiting suicide, and Blane, a trainer who was largely apathetic, actually managed to completely trounce Ash with his Magmar, and overall ALL of them gave Ash a complete run for his money. Heck, even Team Rocket, who ordinarily are joke characters since Episode 3, managed to take a level in badass when they became Gym Leaders temporarily. Even in Johto, Ash mainly got his easier wins via veterans such as Charizard, Bulbasaur, and Pikachu, showing them to still be very proficient at battling.). In fact, of all the series after the Original Series, the only one that actually comes close to restoring a Gym Leader's honor was in XY, where many of them managed to trounce Ash without Ash or Pikachu looking bad as a result, and even the one who did lose on the first try against his Kalos Pokemon had an explicit handicap.

So yeah, now you know EXACTLY why I'm not happy with how Misty's a gym leader, and why I want her to pursue her goal again. And even ignoring that, let me point out that there's a whole argument made by DBZ Fan on how, even ignoring all of the above, being a Gym Leader won't get her far in her Water Pokemon Master goal in the long run, as you can read here: https://www.pokecommunity.com/showthread.php?t=336960 Long story short, you'd need to be an Elite 4 member or even Champion level before you can come close to becoming a Pokemon Master, or even a Water Pokemon Master (and we know that's the level since Misty fangirled Lorelei, an Elite 4 member, in the Orange Islands). Besides, did Ash become a Battle Frontier brain? No he didn't, and he certainly never settled down to become a Gym Leader either.

Hopefully, I've made things far more clear this time around, at least enough to not question why I think she shouldn't be held up in the gym anymore.

[quinsheart]

Dear you,

Can't image that I found your personal email and deliver this shit right into your inbox right? Maybe you don’t know me but I know you. Maybe there are lot and lot of girls around you so obviously, it's hard to remember the girl you pushed down the bed. 

So many but let me remind you of it a little bit. I texted you that I needed a bathroom because I needed for some medical help so I ended up at your place when obviously, it wasn't my plan as many people think. It was a nice day but somehow I got into some kind of accident which made me pretty vulnerable to think of any options instead of knocking your door and asked for help. It was kind of you to let me use your bathroom and it was a story of 5 minutes. I don't know how many times I have been telling story in details, but don't worry, not to the police or anyone who can do the justice, just to myself. Then you made me a cup of tea, my favorite mint tea. I wanted to leave as soon as possible but you were blocking your door. I did make sure that you didn't put anything on my tea so in my head, I thought: “Just take a sip and get out asap" and it didn't go as the way I planned it. As long as I sat down, you started kissing me. I tried to push you away, I said “no" and “please stop"; but it seemed like “it was a signal for you to go further". Why? What was going on in your head that day? And how could a “no" has other different meaning? The moment you pushed me down your bed was the exact moment I knew I couldn't be alright again. I wanted to scream but then it scared me. I don't know for sure what was “it" in this case but my natural instinct told me not to do anything stupid because you were like an animal and my life could be in danger if I went against your will. I laid down, counting times and made a wish. I have never ever describe the whole details to everyone because I could not face it. I wasn't drunk at all and I remember every details as much I appear I didn't. It didn't take me so long to realize that I was raped. I was there myself and I witnessed every moment. I still remember the way you breathe onto my face and how you went inside me. The best is yet to come, or in this case is the worst of it. When you were about to finish, you slapped me and held my nose so I had to open my mouth. Too bad, way too bad when this wasn't a scene in porn at all.  

It didn't stop there did it? Because the story went on and on. This wasn't a Tinder date where you hooked up and said goodbye. To you, this was like a trophy. You took out the best of me without caring and I guess I don't have any right to ask for your care at all. You pushed me down on your bed isn’t enough, lately I became a target so you could drag around. We had a connection and somehow it was so convenient. “She has smaller boobs than you, dw, you're still the best" or “she was so bad at it". Who gave you a right to do that? The story kept going on and on by those texts you typed on your screen. I wished I hadn't know this back then but the other girl was my friend and it was my fault for letting myself ruin it. Not so many, but some people knew the truth stood behind the story but too bad, it wasn't enough to speak out because you turned it into some sort of your game after all. 

What could have stopped what happened that day? Was it “the look of vulnerable on my face when I knocked your door”? Was it “those texts I had sent you before"? Was it “I should have done something else"? No, it was you. You could have stopped all this thing but somehow you decided to go on. 

Every girl needs to be pushed a bit. Girls are all hoe, they all want it but they always say no. If you made clear about your no, I wouldn't do it. 

No means no and it will always mean “NO". I showed up at your door didn't mean I wanted to have sex with you. How sad when no one actually believes it because “I knocked your door myself" or “you should have known better". Everything was a hint “have sex with me" in my world, the world I am living in. It brings you so much benefit and excuses to destroy someone. 

She was right there using my bathroom. She wanted me to and I did what she wanted. 

Again, no means no and nothing can be an excuse for you to do what you want toward me or anyone else. 

I wish everything would have stopped at some point. I wish it was a scene of a movie so I could forget it. You can wake up every morning, having a life you want but not me anymore. I acted like I was ok with it but the truth is, I wasn't and I am not until now. I couldn't sleep at night without dreaming about being raped by you again. I have a big history of “sleep paralysis" and guess what, in dreams where I can't move myself, you were there. I had a hard time going back to my life without the feeling “I am gonna mess up again". I am mentally fucked up like they said. I cried so much that there was no days I woke up with healthy eyes. I am an artist and a creative person, I need myself to be inspired but the joy I want to feel is now feel with my memory of you. Move on, they would say, report him, they would say but the damage is done and no one can redo it. What's the point in reporting you and spend countless amount of time testify for my words. I want to forget everything but I am sorry to myself when it's not a movie. 

I can't focus on anything. I thought I could block memory as I said but no, I was lying about it. I remember every details, however, I am a coward. I am living in the world where a girl drinking will be describe as “spoiled" and girl with guys could be described as “slut". I didn't tell the truth or how I felt to everyone, including my boyfriend. You didn't only destroy a person, you almost destroyed her precious person in her life. He is so pure and literally anything a girl could ask for but I had to keep this things away from him. I was terrible enough and sorry but I couldn't drag another person into this mess. And I have made another mistakes of picking information to tell him, which clearly put him in furious and he made me tell this story over and over and over again. Thus, I never blame you for this because it was my choice. I could be truthful, I could be opened, I could ask for help and move on. You don't know how hard is it to face something which is so horrible. I chose to become someone I am not anymore. I become isolated to everyone. I cut off all the connection to my friends and my family. I feel scared when I have to go outside. I am dark and livid, I start reading things like “suicidal" on the Internet and think it is a part of my depression. Actually it is not. I chose to do more stupid things and destroy people around my life, he once cared but not anymore. I made mistakes, mistakes come with mistakes and they create a big chains for me to hold on. Being raped is not an excuse for me to destroy everything because no one actually look at the fact I got raped. They only look what thing I have done to them and make them feel bad and leave me because “I can't be with you anymore". 

I am so weak to confront to anyone, including myself. I have been lying to myself and made this disappear. You know why? It is much easier to take the blame, accept it and move on but no. I am wrong and I have always been. This is our fault, you shouldn't have done this to me. You completely destroyed my life, however, choosing how to react to it is my choice. I could have lived a new life, started all over and I am so sorry, this is not some kind of Hollywood movie. You have been convicted of violating me, intentionally, forcibly, sexually, with malicious intent, and all you can admit to is telling people I gave a hint. You made myself an uncomfortable place to be as much as I make effort to accept the truth. 

Someone told me I was a lying slut on the day which was supposed to be my happy day. Partly because of things I have done personally to him but I feel like he was right. You called me a lying slut. You called me an addicted slut who was seeking for an attention. The truth is, both of you were right about me. I have been seeking for attention and I am a slut. He also said I could live up to my reputation now and I guess I could. From the person who my boss said “she was full of sunlight” to a person who is ready to give up on herself any minute, I feel angry, I feel breathless every time my boyfriend talked about another incident which happened on the same week. I can never forgive myself from making the worse decision ever. You broke me and I broke another person. I am addressing my problems to let you know that what you have done doesn't stay between us, it affects on other person also and please don't blame me for being unable to control everything. My mind is fucked up and other people is normal, that's why I am ready to let people have big problems to leave me and it's feel much better that way. If you hope you were right about me, then congratulations, you were. I cheated on my boyfriend that same week and now he called me a lying slut. I was alone, stuck between you, your action and your list of words “who is better on bed with you" and I needed help. I made my boyfriend thought that he was so useless and he couldn't do anything to help, I made him think that he was never good enough and he never see past that point. Everything was supposed to be “helping me overcome this" but it was all about “how me slept with another guy" and I also made another mistake with another scumbag and now I am being torn apart by the truth and lie behind it. No one would believe me. You destroy me, I destroy other people in my life, finally live up to my reputation, “a pretty little lying slut". Should I say thank you? 

I don't enjoy, I don't like it at all. Everything is so terrible that I start enjoying my boyfriend's big rant about “how did I destroy him?” rather than facing the truth that I was raped. I am mentally crazy, as much as my medical report says. No one believes I am spending most of my times in and out of the hospital, meeting up with therapist. Daniel said he couldn't separate truth and lie from me anymore and that I would do a blessing job to leave him alone. I lost my precious person in my life. I couldn't ask for any kind of help because my parents are abusive also. I tell myself “Ashley is going crazy because he left" just to cover the fact that “Ashley can't face the truth she was raped". I have done so many many things for him because I cherish him so much and at least it makes me forget the little fact for a while. I don't forget it, I remember details and I let them destroy me despite “Ashley, you have options to move on or drown yourself with it". Life, please give me an instruction. God, please take me away. God doesn't hear it so I am ready to take myself away from this pain. Everything comes all in once and it is beating me daily. This is my last straw to you or anyone. You are a big asshole yourself but I don't hate you for it. You make me sick, just like what you said to me after you finished “your job". 

Much of finishing your job. Turning someone into your little games is also one of your best things to do. You didn't give up on me after finding out I was in the same city as you. What would happened if my coworker, aka Ross buddy, hadn't seen my face of terror and how tight I held his hand at Piu Piu that day? I was there to pick up Ross because he was stressed out by our client and I had to pull him out of there cause we needed to finish our work. Yep, I dressed a bit inappropriate: my off the shoulder shirt and short skirt cause we planned to work outside at Starbucks. I caught your eyes once again and it looked so “magical" to you like how you described it when you talked to me. How dared you? Which cell in your brain made you think you could talk to me? It happened so quick that I only answered “like a common convos" and I pretended to be in hurry. Luckily, Ross knew sth wasn’t wrong and we left as soon as possible. Lately, he made a call, telling my manager that he didn't care how much work we had to do that night, he wouldn't do it and made me speak out what was going on. I was scared like a little puppy lost his mom. I said “he raped me" and Ross spent all night keeping his eyes on me, no words. Your text came to my phone and you used your country number - which I didn't know before to block. You said I looked so good tonight and now you had a new apartment, invited me to stay there again. Wow, how gentle you were and how sweet it was. I was living a dream for a moment and I let you destroyed it again. I showed up late to work, I screamed at my boyfriend and I did stupid things so he could rant at me for cheating (how much his friends were right about me when they don't even know me yet). It has been a hard week and everything got worse in my brain again and again. Who I am? I wish I knew the answer. 

You don't know that I got so scared that everything I am doing can be a reason for something bad happens. If I dress a bit sexy, it would be a sign to my own mind that I am asking for sex. Another question would be asked if I tell someone I saw you again at the bar: “Why didn't you run away?” I can't bear thinking how I don't feel disgusted and turn away whenever I see you. That how my life is like right now, everything small thing can easily kill me inside. I am torn apart, hearing “you have choices, don't act like you don’t". Go to see a therapist, you have sex with other people easily, don't act like it affects you. It doesn't affect me, does it? I should be someone who locks herself up from people because “she talked about it, she cries over it". I want to get on with my life, I try not to be destructive, I try not to be a wrecking ball. The more I try, the more I go deep down into a big mess. 

If it's against your will, it's rape. 

I do not want you to be behind bars, I do not want you to be rotten in hell. I want you to think how did you destroy me inside out. You can't give me the life I had before. Nothing will change your mind about me also because I am one of those girls you put on your schedule. You are happy to be a lady killer, you are everyone's want but not me, I am not one of your little toys also. I have talked to them, those girls you used to sleep with and surprisingly, I am not the only one. She moved on but I don't. I haven't faced it the way I should yet. I wish I could be desperate forever, or maybe be like in the movie where a girl slowly takes step by step but not me. I am sorry and if you think I am angry, my organ will explode and die, you're right. Congratulation. 

This is step by step: 

1. You invited me a cup of tea, my favorite mint tea which I could never take it again. 

2. You started kissing me despite how much I said “no" and “I have a boyfriend" 

3. You locked my hands down, took of my shirt and my pants. I said no and you locked my mouth with your mouth. 

4. You tore the condom with you mouth, you used your legs to lock my legs when you put the condom on. I was too tired to get up and I knew that going against your will could lead to violent action. 

5. You went inside me like an animal. You pushed my shoulder down and I started counting times. 

6. When you were about to finish was when I couldn't move my body or think anymore. You held my nose and you slapped me to make me open my mouth. You put your ball into my mouth as you started jerking off. How much I disgust you? No one can tell. 

7. You made me drink it and I threw up in 1/1000000 second. I had the urge to get up and lock myself in your bathroom again. 

8. I heard clearly what you said afterwards. Those disgust words are still stuck inside my head. How did I end up being your game for days after that? Manipulation and I was so afraid that I would destroy everything I had in my life. 

9. You left your apartment and left me the key. Lucky huh? 

The story didn't stop right there....but it stops for now. I am too nice with everyone, I have been satisfying everyone's mind and turn out, I am not ok at all. 

This is me speaking on behalf of my dead self. Because when you see this email, I am already dead.