#obviously i am mentally stable over this and that's why I am posting it instead of sleeping

[kindahoping4forever]

Luke at Milan Fashion Week 17 June 2023

📸: Edward Berthelot for Getty Images

[manofmanymons]

may you share some takuma x kaito hcs i am in drought and dying

Yeesus do I need to start writing about them again is the takuma x kaito fandom okay al;kfjdaklj I thought was getting too annoying about them but maybe not???

first things first in case you missed any of the other times I rambled aggressively about them

here's the most recent time someone asked about them <3

here's a post from that time someone (multiple someones? all the same anon? I'll never know) was asking about marriage hcs 💍

here's a time I was just randomly babbling about them :P

this isn't a hc but just a scene that haunts my brain a lot >w<

this post talks about multiple ships but they're in it 💃🏻

here is a short fic that's like 90% just me shoving hcs in your face 📝

and since we're already shamelessly self plugging here's the first thing I ever wrote about them teehee

OKAY SO

GETTING TO THE ACTUAL POST NOW LMAO

several pre-relationship hcs

Dracmon knows the idiots are crushing on each other before either of them figures it out. Agumon can tell that there's something different about the way Takuma talks about Kaito but he's not sure exactly what it is.

Y'know that scene where if you pick the wrong dialogue, Kaito will get all pouty if Takuma says people would like him more if he softened up his speech or looks a little? I imagine Kaito might briefly worry about if Takuma would actually like him better that way. In the end he doesn't change, obviously, but the realization that he likes someone enough that he considered changing for them for even a second gets him angry and a little embarrassed. How dare Takuma make him have Stupid feelings.

Literally every single one of their friends (and most of the kemonogami) knows Kaito has a crush on Takuma. They have the restraint not to make fun of him for it, but they very much ALL know. They'll even try to subtly (why does that not look like a real word) play wingman for him, making excuses for why those two should be alone together or asking Takuma about his thoughts on romance and if he likes anybody. Takuma only realizes that's what they were doing in hindsight years later. Kaito never notices even though he's the one they were trying to help lmao.

At least some of them have bet on how long it would take them to get together.

Fuck it I don't talk nearly enough about idiot pining Kaito. He likes Takuma so much it's embarrassing. Miu has sent pictures to their friends' secret groupchat that doesn't have Kaito or Takuma in it of the stupid way he smiles when Takuma texts him. Ryo caught him on video trying to strangle Takuma for calling him adorable once. He will secretly replay the part of the video where Takuma calls him adorable when he's alone because he likes hearing it. Lowkey sped past the cute, silly "butterflies in your stomach" kind of crush straight to the "my heart hurts when you're here yet aches worse when you're gone" kinda head over heels. He would die before admitting it, even to Dracmon. We love a boy who's just a tiny bit pathetic alkdja

I swear I'm not tryna be hardcore delulu playing the game with ship goggles on but like...Every time I think about that time where he gets mad at Takuma for being too close to Miu, but instead of complaining about him being too protective, Miu remarks that it looks like he really wanted to spend time with Takuma, it just kinda reads like he was perhaps a little bit jealous. Most mentally sane and emotionally stable way of expressing that you want your friend to pay attention to you.

I think it's hilarious that Kaito's voice is so goddamn deep for a 14 year old. I also think it a contributing factor to Takuma's crush on him. Like "wow that guy sounds cool."

Anywho, established relationship part

For the first few years post-canon, they keep going back and forth between who's taller. Takuma doesn't really mind either way, but Kaito hates being shorter. Solely because of how funny his reactions are, Takuma will jokingly call Kaito "little" whenever he's taller, even if it's only by 1cm. "My precious little boyfriend," "my little love," etc. Kaito hates this. He does not hate how happy Takuma sounds when he's saying it.

Usually when they're in public, people assume they're friends. Kaito is unbothered by this. Takuma does not like the way people look at his boyfriend. Again I really don't think he's the jealous type in the sense of ever legitimately worrying about anyone stealing his bf away or minding it when Kaito spends time with Not Him, but I could see him getting irritated if anyone openly stared at or god forbid flirted with his bf in front of him. Bc like real talk for a second, outside a shitty small town, you cannot tell me that no one aged 13-17 would crush on Kaito just from looking at him. Way too many angsty teens in the world.

Freaking cat boy constantly lies on top of whatever Takuma's working on and falls asleep.

They are secretly both the "would you still love me if I was a worm" boyfriend.

Bf who overthinks x bf who rarely thinks things through

Obsessed with Takuma constantly thinking of 2-4 different ways to respond during conversations being how he actually thinks and not just a game mechanic. The patience it takes for Kaito to cope with being stared blankly at for 10 seconds after asking for a kiss bc Takuma's too busy wondering if he should ⬅️ tell him he doesn't need to ask next time, ⬆️ just kiss him, or ➡️ ask if he's sure he wants one. As if Kaito didn't already feel dorky enough for asking. "Why would he ask?" HE'S ALLOWED TO PROPERLY ARTICULATE WHAT HE WANTS SOMETIMES INSTEAD OF WAITING AROUND FOR TAKUMA TO MAKE THE FIRST MOVE OKAY BUT HE WAS STILL SCARED OF DOING IT WITHOUT ASKING FIRST

Dracmon really does trust Takuma a lot and is more or less the captain of this ship. He still threatened to kill him if he ever hurt his partner when they first got together. Even when your bestie can turn into a mechanical dragon with cannons, something about a 10+ foot demon pointing a gun at you and telling you he would not hesitate if you screwed this up will really set ya straight.

Most of the time they hang out, they do whatever Takuma wants to. It sounds bad, but Kaito just really hates making decisions and really likes being around Takuma regardless of what they're doing. It took Kaito confirming this for Takuma's mom to stop getting on him about it though.

As close as they are, Takuma knows and doesn't mind that there are some things Kaito is always going to want to do with Miu instead of him, and Kaito knows and doesn't mind that there are some things Takuma is always going to want to do with Minoru.

Uhhh they are,,,very silly. Kaito high key one of those kids who decided he was too old for a lot of things when he was still really young, so sometimes Takuma has to force him to act his age and/or make up for lost childhood. Of course, Takuma himself has a tendency to think he's older than he actually is, but sometimes Kaito sounds so much like a tired adult that even he knows that's not normal.

Kaito has a lot of biases regarding how dumb he thinks romance is that he has to get over now that he's in a relationship. He's about to call someone else's big romantic gesture stupid until Takuma comments on how sweet it is and he has to go "yeah, real cute" instead. He's trying his best guys he really is.

...Several love songs have wormed their way into his playlists since dating Takuma. Some were even there since back when he just had a crush. Many are a result of Takuma sending him songs and saying "this made me think of you." Don't tell anyone. He only listens to rock and metal, he swears.

Sorry besties I cannot think of anything else rn I'm sure there's more but I'm eepy

[gibbearish]

something kind of. bitter. abt tons of posts from about a month ago being like "anyone daring to even consider the words 'compassion fatigue/burnout' is a piece of shit for trying to assuage their own guilt over not paying as much attention as they should, much less telling OTHER people that it's ok to look away when it's not your place to say that because you're not the victims. 'wah wah my mental health' well at least you're not being bombed so you'd better be thankful you're not in their position. if you're not constantly tortured with graphic visions of genocide then you aren't actually doing your part" vs posts now being like "psa, if you're constantly being haunted by images you've seen and it's affecting your mood significantly, that's not normal and there's a word for that!" like. wow yeah damn if only someone had tried to warn people that this was a thing before it started to set in. such a shame no one did, oh well. and i know it's probably not the same people making those posts, but it still. Feels. and i know i've already made a post to this time before but idc the shift has put it back in my head so i guess take 2 on why i found this so annoying in the first place

it was always with a vibe of like, "this event is so horrible that the regular precautions to avoid compassion fatigue shouldn't apply, fixing it is more important." which. /is/ true in a sense, however those two things aren't actually related in the way that framing that way implies, paying attention doesn't actually /do/ anything concrete that would be lost by taking breaks from consuming news about this. there's the implication that the more people that pay attention, the more people in power will be forced to behave knowing that the world's eyes are on them. but like. this far in, they know everyone's eyes are on them by now, and have decided to proceed anyways. just kind of... looking at them harder isn't going to change anything. and also like.... "when the event is this horrible, why would you be thinking about that instead of putting them first"? because. the more horrible the event. the more. likely learning a lot about it will fuck you up? thats. that seems pretty obvious to me? like. there's more Shit For Your Brain To Torment You With 24/7 if more shit is being done and reported on. the worse something is, the worse it'll make you feel to spend all your time thinking about. yes, some people will be ignoring it because they genuinely don't care, but that doesn't automatically mean the ONLY way to care is to Pay Constant Attention No Matter What.

and like. yes, we should do all we can to help palestinians, but some people act like because we're not being killed and they are, we owe it to them to take on as much of that trauma as we can by proxy? like since we aren't having to go through the actual thing, any negative affects we go through can never compare and are therefore irrelevant, and we should instead only be thankful it's not happening to us. i've said this before but it feels very much like the old "finish your vegetables, there's kids starving in africa" thing parents would say, where it's like. ok, i get that the sentiment behind what youre expressing here is "you should take care to be thankful for things you take for granted, because there are people out there suffering without this," but theres always an implicit "and if you don't use yours right, you're hurting those people by wasting what they could've used" when that just !! doesn't actually follow after the first part, that is not the conclusion you should draw there!!! i would obviously give my leftover vegetables to someone else sooner than throw them away but until warp technology is cracked i am limited by things like distance and expiration dates and stable temperature zones, and i would obviously give my leftover Not Being Bombed to every palestinian if i could but until The Way Reality Works is cracked i am limited by. yknow. the way reality works. abstract concepts like that just arent transferrable without a LOT more direct involvement than just. looking at some posts or not.

and i think that's the crucial thing that bugs me abt both of these is not just that the conclusions they offer are wrong and manipulative, but that the /premise themselves/ are, and they take something HUGE for granted, which is "the thing i want you to do is Right and will Work, therefore i'm justified in forcing you to do it, regardless of any discomfort this causes as it will still have a net positive impact." eating your vegetables is Good for you, so forcing you to eat more when you don't want them is justified, and your reasons for not wanting them don't matter. palestinians have asked us to keep reading and sharing their posts because it helps them, so shaming people for not wanting to is justified, and their reasons for not wanting to don't matter. nevermind that overeating can be bad for you and children are indeed capable of telling when they're full or of having slightly smaller stomachs than the serving sizes their parents dish up, nevermind that they can have food sensitivities or even just /dislike the flavor of something/ and we don't force adults to finish foods they know they dislike, nevermind that compassion fatigue was already an existing concept long before this, nevermind that this is The Mental Illness Website, nevermind that reblogging a bunch of posts with graphic videos that will keep you up all night and be filtered by half your followers anyways doesn't stop fucking BOMBS. it's all we can do, nevermind that it's largely symbolic, therefore if you're not doing it for ANY reason, you are Bad. so do what i say in order to be Good even if it hurts you. it's just such a manipulative, PATRONIZING way of going about things that it just grates at me every time.

[ladyanput]

Ok so this is the third time that I'm sending you an ask tonight. (or is it night time in your country?) I'm being annoying right now but whatever. So I've been cackling about those salt fics you wrote because they are just amazing. I have a request, though it is up to you to write it or not. So, can you write a salt fic where someone got an interview with Ladybug (probably Aurore) and then they ask her why they replaced the old heroes like Rena Rouge, Carapace and etc. and LB is just like I don't work with dumb shits or somethin'. Then there is also a new Black Cat (Probably Luka, Felix, or Damian) because Adrien here is an asshole and this fic is saltier than salt water. Then LB also insults Alya's blog and their school. Those foolish mortals get some lawsuits and the rest is up to you. (This request is probably messed up since it's already midnight here and I can't sleep.)

You're never annoying, I just apologize that it took me so long to get to you. I do hope you don't hold it against me, darling.

A one on one interview with Ladybug was basically unheard of if you weren't the Ladyblog or Nadja Chadwick. Ladybug had made it firm that she wasn't a celebrity, she was a hero. She wasn't there for clout, for attention, for fame or fortune. She just wanted to keep Paris safe.

That's was Aurore admired about her. And why she felt queasy as she sat across from the heroine, who had given her of all people an interview. But she got ahold of herself, taking deep breaths as the cameraman began counting down. And when he hit 'one', she put on her best smile and straightened in her seat.

"Hello Paris! Welcome back to 'Latest Buzz'! I am your lovable host, Aurore Beauréal. Today I am here with a very, very special guest, our very own heroine of Paris; Ladybug!"

Ladybug beamed right at the camera, but gave a shy little wave, giving away the nerves she obviously had.

"Now, Ladybug, I'm so glad you requested to be on the show. You know, I initially thought I had misheard when Estelle told me. Usually you're not big on personal interviews." Aurore gave her full attention to Ladybug, but keeping the bright, friendly smile and perfect posture.

"Well, I tried a few times actually. But when I did, none of them were really great experiences." Ladybug admitted and both girls immediately thought of that disastrous Face-to-Face interview. It left a bitter taste in their mouths. "My issue is that misinformation has been spread around a lot recently. It's made me realize that I need to find more trustworthy sources."

"Ladybug. I vow on my integrity as a host and Estelle's reputation as a journalist that we are people who research facts. We don't ambush our guests, we respect them." She said, placing a hand on her heart. Ladybug saw an honesty in her eyes that she hadn't seen in such a long time. It honestly made her feel.. Respected. "Now, Ladybug.. We both know you have a lot of fans. A lot of admirers. False information can be spread so easily these days, which sources specifically are you telling people to avoid?"

"Well.. With Face-to-Face, I found that I was entirely ambushed in that interview. I wanted to speak about my hero work, but instead Nadja kept trying to needle her way into my personal life. That picture she had shown in largely out of context; when Dark Cupid attacked and Chat Noir was under his spell, it was the only way to get him free."

"Yes, I remember watching that. I'll be honest Ladybug, I felt bad for you." Aurore bit her lip, but smiled a bit when Ladybug nodded. "I mean, Chat Noir wasn't helping either. He seemed to be trying to push this narrative forward that you two are a couple."

"And we're not!" Ladybug burst out before she could stop herself. Everyone in that studio could hear the utter stress and frustration in her voice. "I've begged and begged Chat Noir to stop with the flirting, the 'telling people we're dating', everything! I just wanted him to focus and he couldn't seem to do that!"

"Is that why you replaced him? Because of his slacking off and refusing to take anything seriously?" Aurora sat up an bit straighter, her eyes going wide.

".. Not exactly, no. It was a bunch of issues that eventually piled up and boiled over." Ladybug made some gestures with her hands, trying her hardest to find the words but just letting out a long and pained sigh in the end. "I do enjoy my new partner now. He is more serious, more stable. I know he won't go off and pout if I deny something he wanted. I needed an entirely new team, as a matter of fact."

"Well I am going to say, on behalf of everyone here, that we're glad. We swear on our integrity as journalists that if such rumours were to ever surface again, we will do our proper research." Aurore beamed and many of the staff and crew behind the cameras nodded and gave Ladybug their thumbs up. Honestly, it warmed Ladybug's heart to see such support.

When had been the last time someone had supported her like this? Sure, her parents supported her, but her friends..? Her peers? No, none of them had supported her in a long time.

"Speaking of research, I'd say to stay away from the Ladyblog." It burned to say it but it had to be said. Alya had crossed so many lines it wasn't even forgivable at this point. She had gone too far, had betrayed too many.

"Wait, what?" Aurore nearly jumped out of her seat but quickly composed herself, taking a deep breath. "Pardon me Ladybug, but the Ladyblog has been a vital source of information since the very beginning."

"And I'm not denying that!" Ladybug quickly held up her hands, her eyes desperate now. "But please let me explain. The Ladyblog was amazing in the beginning, but like all things, it started to go astray. It was things like trying so hard to find out my identity. Trying to push that narrative of that whole superhero couple thing.. Ladyblogger Alya Césaire has proven time and time again that she is not trustworthy. I mean, I thought she was my biggest fan. Why does she keep pushing my words aside?"

Many people who watched the interview would agree. If you idolized someone, respected someone, truly looked up to them.. Why would you push aside their words, their wishes to try and push the narrative you're so convinced is true, but isn't there?

"And don't get me started on the whole Lila Rossi craze she seemed to be on now." At Ladybug's mention of Lila Rossi, both Estelle and Aurore had to keep from rolling their eyes. They knew all about the girl.

"You speak as if you are quite frustrated, Ladybug. What an odd reaction to your best friend." Aurore leaned forward a bit in her seat. Everyone else got to the edge of theirs. Ladybug only shook her head, looking utterly defeated.

"That's the thing, she isn't my best friend." It took everything to keep from satin that she hated her, that she had taken away her friends and her life. "The only times she's met Ladybug is when she's been akumatized, which has been around six or seven times at this point. And the other things she's claiming are so outlandish! Saving Jagged Stone's kitten from a airport runway? Clara Nightengale stealing her dance moves? And the Ladyblog just posts it out there, claiming every single story is true. I'm just scared that people are taking this one hundred percent seriously. That's why I had to drop Rena Rouge and Carapace from the team as they believed Lila Rossi over me. They didn't even try to confirm these rumours! And it hurts to think that one day, someone will take Lila's words seriously and get hurt. What if she says it's safe to dip strawberries in bleach? Or tells someone that she found a way to tame some kind of wild animal? Someone would get hurt because they believe her story and try it out for themselves!"

"My goodness, I can definitely see how that is a problem. Misinformation is very easy to spread thanks to the internet, so you being worried is a very relatable thing." Aurore nodded, then tilted her head ever so slightly. "Ladybug, do you know anyone who has taken her word seriously? This is besides the Ladyblog of course."

Ladybug closed her eyes briefly, mentally debating with herself before finally giving in. These things needed to be said.

"Collège François DuPont. Now I wasn't there personally, but I heard about this situation and looked into it. The entire situation was appalling. Apparently a student was found to have cheated, assaulted another student, and commited thievery. But the thing that stuck out is only one person saw her do all of these things; Lila Rossi. No investigation was done, no questioning other students. This student was then expelled immediately. Her teacher and her principal didn't even give her a chance. And from what people have been saying, Miss Rossi's behaviour is actively encouraged in that school. She misses countless days, no, months of school, claiming she's traveling. But when she was supposedly in Achu, doing whatever it was she was claiming with Prince Ali, I was fighting her akuma here in Paris on Heroes Day!"

"I was at school the day that happened. I knew the student that happened to. They're the nicest person in that school! Never a bad thing to say about anyone, always willing to help! I agree with you on how things were handled, it's a level of incompetence that is baffling." Aurore's hands slowly curled into fists as she remembered it all. She slowly shook her head. "The principal, their teacher, their class who backed up Rossi. It must have hurt them so much, made them feel so alone."

"That's why I want people to be more careful with what information they take as fact. It's so important, because stuff like that can lead people to a desperate place. They feel alone, like the entire world is against them. I wouldn't have let the principal and the teacher get away with that gross negligence in their jobs." Ladybug leveled her gaze directly to the camera. "People of Paris, please listen to what I am saying. I am here to be a hero, to protect you from the terror of Hawkmoth and to defeat him. But please, do not be like Principal Damocles, do not be like that teacher and her class at DuPont. Do your research, look up your facts. Do not let a liar lead you to do something dangerous and hurt yourself as well as others. Respect each other, talk and be honest. I swear on my life that I shall do the same. You are the people I swore to protect and I love. I am saying this all to protect you. And I'll hope you'll all forgive me for not protecting you sooner."

...

The interview rocked Paris. Ladybug speaking so openly about her frustrations, about the discrepancies in the Ladyblog and Lila Rossi had many people double checking the sources of everything they learned from that blog.

Alya could barely show her face as she made her way though the school hallways. Her reputation as a journalist had gone down the drain. People had basically started boycotting her blog, harrassing her, or trash talking her on other forums and sites. Even a lot of news outlets picked this up.

What hurt the most from that interview last night was Ladybug's words towards her, both as Rena Rouge and as Alya. Surely the heroine had to be mistaken, she had never beytrayed Ladybug! And that Oblivio incident, it was just to show Chat Noir and Ladybug that they were meant to be together!

Her family was upset with her. No, upset was too tame of a word. They were pissed.

"I can't believe she lied to us.."

"Well what do you expect from someone who keeps harrassing Ladybug?"

Alya flinched when she heard the whispers and rushed into Miss Buster's class. The entire class was there, all seated, all looking utterly miserable. Many of them looked as if they had been crying all night. A lot like she had.

"W-where's Miss Bustier?" Alya asked when she eyed the empty desk. Many of her classmates shot her glares, but didn't say anything about the interview last night. After all, they had no room to talk.

"She and Principal Damocles are with the school board now. We're getting a new teacher." Adrien was the one that spoke up. He looked utterly miserable. So unlike his usual self.

"Lila isn't coming back. She was pulled from school when her mother found out what happened." Alix muttered from her seat, arms crossed and shoulders hunched.

The class went quiet as they all internally contemplated how things had gotten like this. Their eyes focused on the door when it abruptly opened and Marinette came strolling in, carrying a box.

"Good morning everyone!" She said brightly, pretending not to notice the downcast expressions on their faces. She set the box on the teacher's desk before she turned towards them. "Oh? What's wrong everyone?"

".. Did you not watch the interview with Ladybug on 'Latest Buzz'?" Alya stared at Marinette, a bit dumbfounded by her friend's lack of awareness of the situation. She had been expecting Marinette to rush in with support and a fiery vengeance against those who had humiliated her best friend, maybe even a fresh pastry. But instead she was greeted with empty hands and a cheerful hello?

"Oh, well I haven't really had the time to watch much television. I mean, with my transfer papers, needing to plan out my new schedule with all of those new classes. Busy as a bee, that's me!" Marinette just beamed, giving Adrien a playful wink that had his stomach churning.

"Wait, transfering?" It was Rose that spoke up, her large eyes seeming impossibly large now. "Transfer what?"

"To my new school, of course." Marinette giggled and clasped her hands together. "I start on Monday."

"New school?!" Alya was on her feet and rushing towards Marinette. The others quickly followed, crowding around her. "What do you mean new school?! When did you ever say you were going to a new school?"

Marinette blinked, as if stunned, then tilted her head ever so slightly.

"I told you all last week, don't you remember?" Marinette tapped her lower lip, seeming to be wracking her brain before she abruptly snapped her fingers. "Oh! I forgot, you all were deep in conversation with Lila about her upcoming event with Jagged Stone and Clara Nightengale. You know, the one she said she'd be attending with Ladybug, since they're such good friends. Did she ever say how it went?"

All of the students shifted uneasily, suddenly seeming to refuse to meet her face.

Alix murmured something so barely audible, Marinette held a hand to her ear and leaned closer.

"I'm sorry, what was that?"

"Lila was lying to us!" Alix snapped as her cheeks went a flaming red.

"About everything! She never knew Jagged Stone!" Juleka spat out in fury.

"Or Prince Ali!" Rose sniffled.

"And she wasn't friends with Ladybug? They were barely acquaintances!" Alya wailed out as tears welled up in her eyes.

But Marinette hardly reacted the way they were expecting. She just gave them a small smile and nodded.

"Oh, yeah. I know."

Alya sucked in a breath sharply.

"You knew..? But why did you never..?"

"Oh Alya, you silly forgetful thing. I told you the day she returned from her long 'trip', remember? I told you she was lying." Marinette gave Alya a smile that said 'oh you silly thing'. "But you told me that I should really check my sources. And I got tired of trying to bring up any lies, since that was always your response. So I decided to just stop. I mean, since you're such an inspiring, honest journalist you must double and triple check every source you come across and found every story to be true!"

Alya flinched and looked away, feeling the churning feeling in her gut again. No, the Ladyblog had been the only source for the stories. The. Only. One.

"And I'm sure all of you knew what you were doing! I mean, it makes sense; trusting the words of a complete stranger over someone you've known for a while now. Some of you since we were in diapers!" She focused her gaze on Nino and Kim, who had the grace to at least look ashamed.

"Marinette, you really should-" Adrien began, reaching out for the girl, but was cut off by her clapping her hands together.

"But it's alright! I decided that fighting with you all wasn't worth it, so I took Adrien's advice and took the high road! Don't bother exposing Lila, she isn't hurting anyone!" Marinette announced brightly, giving her hands a little wave.

The temperature in the classroom dropped by several degrees.

".. Adrien, she's kidding, right?" Nino glanced over at his friend, his eyes pleading for him to deny it all. But the sight of the blood draining from the model's face and the sweat starting to bead at his forehead told him everything he needed to know. "Dude.."

"How could you?! You knew this entire time and didn't even try to tell me?!" Alya rounded on Adrien, fury in her eyes.

"Now, now, don't get mad at Adrien. I'm sure he knew you all were going to do you research. Besides, it's not like this did anything bad for anyone." Marinette pressed a hand to her cheek, still grinning. "I mean, it's not like you all took her advice without doing any research. You didn't try the things she suggested without actually checking them out to be true, right? No one lost any scholarships or job opportunities. No one's relationships were ruined. No one was hurt."

The nauseous feeling spread to all of the class as the reality of everything caught up with them.

"I'm sure everything will go back to normal, right? I mean, I'm sure that that woman from the education bureau isn't here to fire Damocles and Bustier for their severe neglect in their duties. Expelling me with the most mediocre and shaky proof. Surely that's a school I should feel safe in! That I should be proud to be a part of. But alas, my preparations for my new school are already done, so oh well."

Marinette shrugged and adjusted her purse strap.

"Anyhow, I wish you all luck with the amazing things Lila has helped you to do! I know it must have been worth ignoring me and convincing me I was crazy. With all of the free time I've had, with you guys practically replacing me with Lila in the group, I've had tons of time to spend with my boyfriend."

"Boyfriend?!" Alya's eyes went owlishly wide as she gaped at Marinette. "But what about Adrien?!"

"Oh Alya, I fell out of love with Adrien forever ago." Marinette shook her head in an almost patronizing way that had Alya's cheeks burning with embarrassment. They didn't even pay attention to Adrien's noises of surprise. "I mean, you claimed I was jealous of Lila getting close to Adrien, that I should let the jealousy go. And you know what? You were right! So I decided Adrien wasn't worth the stress, the embarrassment.. I mean, I couldn't even talk to him straight. I thought he was the most perfect guy in the world! Goodness, did I learn my lesson!"

She giggled as if she found the entire thing amusing. She then beamed at the class.

"Well, ta-ta! I need to get back home and make sure everything is ready to go. I wish you all the best, I really do!"

They all watched, shellshocked as Marinette breezed out of the classroom like it was nothing. Like she wasn't leaving her friends, her school, her life behind. And they all would wonder exactly how badly they screwed up, if she could walk away do easily, without a care.

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[jazy3]

Thoughts on Grey’s Anatomy: 17X16

SPOILERS AHEAD!!!

I really liked this episode! I loved the scenes between Meredith and Bailey and Meredith with her kids. So precious! I think Meredith is the perfect person to take over the residency program now that Richard has too many jobs as Bailey says! I think she is really going to shine in this new role. In the past I thought her and Alex might wind up running the hospital with him as Chief of Surgery and her as Residency Director. While that won't happen because Justin Chambers' exit, I think it will be great to see Meredith step up and take on the role. Ultimately, I want to see her operate again and be a badass, but since she’s still recovering, I think having Meredith take this on while she recovers from COVID is a great idea.  

I’m glad that we got to see Maggie and Winston disagree on something and work through it in this episode. While I think Winston did overreact a bit when Maggie was upset and a bit reluctant about the wedding planning and said that everything felt like a compromise I'm glad that they showed the two of them disagreeing and working through it because up until now they've been portrayed as the perfect couple. I loved the scene where Maggie and Winston talked about the wedding and then it was revealed that Maggie had arranged for her Dad and Winston’s Grandmother to fly in for the wedding. That was very sweet and they got the actor that previously played her Dad back!

I also really liked the patient that Maggie, Helm, and Richard treated. I felt so bad for her when she told them that her husband had died and her dog had ran away and that she wasn’t good with people. I suspected she was pretending early on because of her loneliness. I was so sad about the missing dog for the whole episode and I was ecstatic when they found him! I’m more of a cat than a dog person, but pets are family. I am also glad that we got to learn more about Helm in this episode and that she appears to have left her Meredith obsession behind. That was funny the first few times they brought it up, but then it just got weird and annoying.

Especially after both CeCe the matchmaker and Carina talked to Helm about it and told her she needed to move on and find someone that could love her back and then she went right back to being obsessed with her. That’s been her whole personality for the past three seasons. Now in this episode we learn that she likes to cook, that she makes a mess when she cooks, and that she likes to watch the news. I think Helm moving in with Levi and Jo is a good thing, but he definitely should have cleared it with Jo first and they for sure need a bigger place.

I really liked the scene with Link and Jo. I like that he called her out on the fact that she obviously wanted to adopt Luna and told her she should stop doubting herself. I was surprised and disappointed that Jo’s adoption application was denied. She's clearly formed a bond with Luna and she was ready to have kids with Alex prior to his departure and she was close to Val prior to her death. I’m curious as to why her application was denied and why she failed the background check. I hope we get a follow up to that because she would be a great Mom to Luna and I want to know what happened there.

When we found that out my first thought was, “That’s illegal!” because here in Canada and in Ontario specifically to the best of my knowledge you can’t discriminate against someone and reject their adoption or foster application because they are a single parent, have had mental health issues in the past, stole a car while homeless or lived under an assumed name while fleeing domestic violence provided they meet the other criteria such as being able to provide a safe loving home and can prove that they are financially stable and have a good support network in place.

I was confused as first, but then my friend Amy and I were talking about it and I realized that I was applying my own context to another situation. Having the right to adopt and not be discriminated against is something that the women’s, gay rights, and disability rights movements here in Canada have fought very hard for. A lot of changes were enacted in the 2000’s and 2010’s to make it easier for people from all walks of life to adopt and foster. In fact, in many cases social services will look for prospective parents who share a child’s background or history because they will be able to relate to the child in a way that a parent without that experience might not be able to.

That’s not to say that everything is perfect and that discrimination and unfair treatment doesn’t happen. It does. People can be sneaky about it. But you do have recourse here. You would be able to contest the discrimination. I’m not familiar with adoption laws and policies for Washington State where the show is set so it’s possible that this kind of discrimination may still be legal there or there may not be specific policies addressing it. If anyone does know I would love to know more as what I’m saying is based on the experiences of people that I know here in Ontario. I do think that Jo will eventually get custody of Luna. They've spent a bunch of time setting this up and dropping hints about this storyline so it would feel hollow to have it end like this. It would also put Jo back in a dark place which she just got out of for the umpteenth time.

I’m interested to see where they go with Amelia and Link’s storyline around him wanting more children and Amelia not wanting anymore. Couples getting together and then realizing at a later point that they feel differently about having children or having more children in this case is a real thing that happens. Amelia and Link started off as casual sex partners which progressed into something more serious when Amelia found out she was pregnant. They've become this beautiful family and it turns out they are a great match, but because they didn't start out with marriage and kids in mind there are bridges that they have to cross at some point. I'm glad that Link is voicing his desire to have more kids down the road now so that they can talk about it.

I totally get why Amelia doesn't want more kids. After what happened with Christopher and Ryan and then Owen, Betty, and Leo and then with Meredith's kids I get why Amelia doesn't want more children. It's a lot of work, she's been through a lot, and getting overwhelmed could impact her sobriety. Link is a good guy and way more sensitive around this topic that Owen ever was so my hope is that they'll talk it out, Amelia will share her concerns, Link will understand, and he'll fulfill that need for more kids by spending more time with Leo or Meredith's kids.

Also real talk, Owen was an absolute asshole to Cristina and Amelia when they didn’t want kids and straight up said that there was something wrong with them because they didn’t want to be with something who treated them poorly and kept trying to force them to have kids that they didn’t want. While it’s great that he gets it now and was able to offer some words of wisdom to Amelia in this episode and be supportive it doesn’t make up for or change the fact that he was god awful to both of his ex-wives because they didn’t want kids and he did. He knew Cristina didn’t want kids long before they got married and he married Amelia without ever talking about his desire to have children and just assumed she wanted that too.

He should really call Cristina and apologize because what the hell? I think it’s the difference between perception and experience. Before when he wanted kids but didn’t have any he was in love the idea and couldn’t understand someone not wanting that. Now that he has two kids he realizes how much work that is and why someone might not want that especially if they are dealing with other issues that could be impacted by having more children. I really enjoyed the patient storylines this week. I had previously read a study about what Amelia is working on and how doctors and scientists have now determined that there are two types of patients who appear brain dead. 

The kind that actually are where their body is still alive but no one’s home and the kind we see in this episode where their body is still alive and they are still in there, but can’t communicate in traditional ways, but can communicate through thinking about different things to answer yes or no questions. There is a special kind of machine that is needed to scan for this and they are expensive but they’ve proven that hospitals make the costs back within a year because the machines allow them to determine which patients are actually brain dead and which can still make decisions and answer questions about their care.

Something I didn’t like about this episode was that Levi chose Nico over Dr. Mason Post the hot Vaccine Doctor. I was really rooting for them to get together and for him to start something new with someone who might actually treat him well and I was so freaking disappointed wand pissed off when Levi showed up at Nico’s place and got back together with him instead of going over to Mason’s. I’m Team Mason all the way! He's a gem. He's attractive, funny, smart, direct, and kind. He's everything Levi deserves in a partner after the nonsense Nico has put him through.

I liked Nico and Levi when they first got together, but after Nico revealed that he lied about being out to his parents their relationship went downhill fast. He's treated Levi like crap ever since and his one-time apology doesn't fix that or do anything to address the way he's acted or fix his and Levi's relationship problems. I hope Mason returns next season, Levi winds up with him, and Nico goes off to work for the Mariners as he was supposed to originally.

My only other complaint is that Meredith and Hayes didn't have any scenes together this week, but it looks like they'll have scenes in the finale so I'm happy about that. My favourite moment of the episode was when Amelia told Owen that Tom had moved to Boston to help Jackson with the changes he wanted to make and Owen thinking that he had been fired said that he hated that there was one more thing he had to like and respect about the guy. I'm not an Owen fan in general, but that line cracked me up! I’m really looking forward to the finale! I’m excited that based on next week’s promo Meredith and Hayes will have scenes together and hopefully we’ll be getting some movement on the world's slowest moving slow burn storyline!

I swear to god glaciers move faster! People have gotten engaged, broken up, gotten back together, and moved to Boston in the time that Meredith was on that beach while Hayes worried about her from afar. So, I'm excited for that. I'm also excited for Maggie and Winston's wedding and to know why her Dad and his Grandmother are objecting. I hope to see Jo adopt Luna and I'd love to see some father-daughter scenes with Richard and Meredith.

Until next time!

[pagan-witch-chronicles]

Shadow Work and My Experiences With It

When it comes to witchcraft, there comes a time where you must face your own shadow.

“Each of us is like Dorian Grey. We seek to present a beautiful, innocent face to the world, a kind courteous demeanor; a youthful intelligent image. And so, unknowingly but inevitably, we push away those qualities that do not fit the image, that do not enhance our self-esteem and make us stand proud but instead, bring us shame and make us feel small. We shove into the dark cavern of the unconscious those feelings that make us uneasy - hatred, rage, jealousy, greed, competition, lust, shame - and those behaviors that are deemed wrong by the culture - addiction, laziness, aggression, dependency - thereby creating shadow content. Like Dorian’s paintings,  these qualities take on a life of their own, forming an invisible twin that lives just behind our life or just beside it. 

We generally seek to punish that which reminds us and makes us most uncomfortable about the part of ourselves that we have not come to terms with, and often “see” these disowned qualities in the world around us. “

When we do not want to acknowledge traumas, events, or parts of ourselves - the brain tends to automatically categorize these pieces and fragments of our selves and our memories into the dark, far corners of our minds where they may be forgotten. These are things that simply happen unconsciously, causing the growth and production of our “shadows.”

Shadow work is a typically intense practice in which we delve deeper into the self in an attempt to embrace these lost pieces of ourselves. I typically tackle my shadow work by practicing mindfulness and through meditation. There are many reasons why one would want to try shadow work - one of my own reasons being to tackle a trauma that was affecting my every day life.

Trauma can cause the mind to shatter,  splintering off into several pieces. When someone becomes ashamed of these parts of themselves, of course they actively try to hide and shield these fragments as a form of protection. In order to begin my shadow working journey, I needed to acknowledge these fractured pieces of my own soul and accept them - no matter how “broken” I wanted to believe they were. But this idea of these fragments being separate from myself was just an illusion - of course these pieces were still part of me. I just needed to learn that and accept it myself.

Shadow work is by no means, easy. Through meditation, I allow any and all memories and past traumas to revisit my conscious mind so that I may hope to learn from them and accept them. It is different than reliving painful events for me, rather I am freely and consciously allowing myself to feel the emotions tied to each event in the hopes that I may begin to heal from them. Shadow work is not for the faint of heart. It comes and goes, and not always when I have the time or want to acknowledge past traumas. We do not always have control of when our subconscious minds cry out to us, begging to be heard and that’s okay. When the strong waves of emotion come, I do my best to acknowledge what I feel and let it take its course. I try to understand where the feelings are coming from, and make attempts to mindfully acknowledge them so that my shadow can be heard. When I practice shadow work, I practice extreme self care. The emotions and feelings my subconscious may bring up can sometimes be very painful, and I treat my self very carefully. I prepare a bath with lots of bubbles and different herbs, and on the particularly bad days I also add a few drops of essential oils and bring some crystals with me. Candles are optional. I take care to be gentle and patient with myself, and if I feel the need to cry then I let myself cry. I let my self be vulnerable, which can also be very difficult - however by being vulnerable with my self, I find that I am often able to learn and accept more about myself than I had known before. I meditate on these feelings, and assess where they are coming from and why. Usually when I practice shadow work, it is because stressors in my present life are subconsciously reminding me of previous situations or scenarios I have been in before that I have not fully accepted or moved past just yet. You cannot rush the healing process - assuming you have moved past traumas or forcing yourself to forget them is what dooms most of us from the start. The first lesson of shadow work is to force nothing. You have to let your thoughts and emotions flow free, without limiting them. Now obviously you don't want to let your anger run rampant and take it out on others, but you want to let out all those emotions in healthy ways without simply burying them. When you bottle up your emotions, you only do harm to yourself. Instead of avoiding them, working through them has helped me grow in leaps and bounds. I was able to work past some of my rougher childhood traumas and understand them. I was able to understand and in some cases, forgive some of my aggressors. Not forget them or what they’ve done to me, but forgive them. This has also done wonders for my self confidence and mental health. The process takes time, and it’s never really over. Once you start, you’re never really done with it.

In my experience, shadow work can be incredibly liberating given time and patience. These things just do not work or happen over night. In fact, more often than not my deities will send me shadow work because I am avoiding issues that I allow to keep reappearing. That happens, it’s normal. Shadow work is not always pleasant, and I do not, by any means, encourage baby witches to practice it without at least some experience in the craft and stable support systems. Shadow work is so much more than practicing mindfulness, because the state of your self and your mental health is incredibly important. You cannot simply wish the pains of your traumas away or banish them so simply; there are layers and layers of effects and learned behaviors that usually need to be worked through. This also does not come over night. In order to practice shadow work, you need an extreme and in depth knowledge and understanding of yourself, and an open mind. More often than not, you come face to face with thoughts and aspects of yourself you have not faced in far too long- parts and sides of your self that may be surprising or startle you. Know thy self. You must be firm in your belief and identity to face your shadow and remain unscathed. This is not some simple thing to address, and it is not something to make light of. Your shadow will break you given the chance, especially after prolonged ignorance. If you refuse to accept your shadow self, it can and will kill your spirit. It will poison your soul. But when practiced and done safely and correctly, shadow work offers you all that you need to heal your wounded soul and liberate the self. Yes, it’s daunting. Yes, it’s dangerous. No, if you have a history of mental illness or other illnesses, this probably isn’t a great idea for you. This has simply been a post on my own feelings and experiences with shadow work, and hopefully a useful new perspective on the workings. 

[scientistowengottlieb-newtkelly]

Thoughts and feelings about Pacific Rim 2?

you sure you wanna open up that particular can of worms?

movie review time! be warned i'm not in a good mood as i am shaking in pain, however this review would have been scathing regardless. and none of this is to say pacific rim is perfect, it's not, but... aye, i have no words for the world of difference there. oh wait! i do:

so. first and foremost, i hate it. as both a movie and a sequel. did i find it entertaining? yes, mildly, so i suppose it did its job, however the only thing that keeps me watching it is because, simply, it's part of the pacific rim franchise whether we like it or not. therefore, i squeeze as much salvageable content from it as i can, such as how one might analyze the precursors, how we are to view hermann and newt as characters pre-, during, and post-uprising, what we are to expect from drifting (though this one i take with a grain of salt, there is a whole other rant preserved for the joke of an attempt to develop that shit within the movie)

one of my biggest issues with pacific rim is really simple: it plays out like DeKnight did not watch the first fucking movie or was scrolling through twitter while doing it and decided he'd make a cash grab since the first one was relatively popular. "haha the kaiju were going for mount fuji the whole time!!" bitch no they weren't!!! why the fuck did they end up anywhere near sydney, australia, then!!! why did they turn tail on places like manila and san fran instead of heading straight for japan!!! WHY DID THE ONE THAT WAS IN JAPAN NOT SUCCEED, THERE'S NO WAY WITH THOSE MARK 1 JAEGERS THEY'D HAVE BEEN ABLE TO REASONABLY FIGURE OUT THEIR PLAN AND WHERE THEY WERE GOING IN TIME TO STOP THEM!!! newt literally lays out what they are doing in the first movie and they completely ignored that!!! not to mention, if the destruction from elements found in mount fuji would have been enough to terraform the earth, WHY DIDN'T THEY JUST FUCKING DO THAT WHEN THEY WERE SUPPOSEDLY ON EARTH AGES AGO??? THERE WERE VOLCANOES WITH THOSE SAME ELEMENTS BEFORE RIGHT NOW, VOLCANOES ARE NOT A RELATIVELY NEW THING EARTH CREATED SUDDENLY AND I WOULD IMAGINE NEITHER ARE THOSE ELEMENTS!!! IT MAKES NO SENSE!!! and.... okay the fucking drones. how did those bitches make breaches??? we know the breach is some result of precursor/kaiju technology, apparently they know the breach's atomic structure as hermann said in the first movie, but how tf some kaiju organs and tech from earth only is ALL it takes to open a breach... illudes and confuses me... why were no more breaches made by the precursors once they realized how long and how many resources it was taking to kill the humans off??? if it's??? shit they could do with simple earth materials + their own biology??? they could have ended things much faster??? shit just doesn't add up, idk, that was Vague and Annoyed Me

and the jaegers.... were....... strange? the fight scenes were so underwhelming, i could count on one hand the number of maneuvers—NOT SCENES, MANEUVERS—i thought were badass and moved well. their fighting was confusing and paced really weird and some of the moves they pulled... don't... work like that... like some of those scenes were just hand-to-hand combat but in big robot form and they didn't sit right with me at all.

and the characters......... oh my word, the characters. look: i love jake pentecost with all of my heart and soul and john boyega's beautiful acting just barely saves the movie from its poor writing. i do love him as a character. but can someone explain to me why in the world they thought it was a good idea to make the only black guy a black market thief/runner, deep-record criminal with daddy and authority issues, and who they dare try to play off as some kind of lazy??? they made him every stereotype they could and said "yeah let's go with that". i'm- aaaaaaaaaaaaaa and what was with the child soldiers??? ROBOCOPS?????? mako....... character assassination at its worst........ my baby......... but the movie was paced so GOD DAMN POORLY I GOT BORED AND LITERALLY MISSED HER DYING THE FIRST TIME I WATCHED IT. and i couldn't tell you the names of half of those poor damn kids, i really couldn't. and can i also say they killed off one of the only two darker skinned kids?? like y'all???? the other darker skinned kids (one of the children i can't remember the names of because it was uttered ONCE in the entire movie or some shit) didn't even GET characterization. my whole heart goes out to her and those other underdeveloped fucks. speaking of...... i am ashamed about jules. from the movie that brought us the mako mori test, they threw in a girl simply for the sake of some shitty, awkward, and unexplained love triangle between jake and White Angst without much else to put to her name. she deserved better. amara was... a decent shot, but very hit or miss because of the writing. i, personally, am very neutral about her leaning towards liking her, but i know people who swing love and who swing hate. liwen was like,,,, they tried really hard to make her unlikable at the beginning because "oh no, she must be the villain! GOTTEM plot twist!!!" and then suddenly she's no longer. threatening everyone except newt. idk i feel like they leaned to heavily one way and i got whiplash when she's actually another but there was nothing to... portray that. at all. i do like her character, and that says a lot because they got me to sympathize with a capitalist without actually regretting it later, but there could/should have been More there. she was powerful, though, in multiple different aspects, and we saw that from her CONSISTENTLY and i 😳🥵👀💕 mako mori test pass for her

now, let's talk about hermann (and by extention, newton, however he'll be getting a section all his own the rat bastard). that man is one of the single instances of decent cross-movie characterization i saw in the whole god damn film. the idea that he takes on newton's roles, that he is more outspoken for himself, that he is just slightly more unhinged after his drift with newton: THAT is on point. he's himself, you can see it, you still know that he's hermann with ever step, but there's something that has shifted in him in those 10 years and it's good without being too much. the "i still get nightmares" scene, the way he presents himself, that scene gives me chills because god bless burn gorman and his acting ability. every face and intonation of his voice is just wonderful and i think his performance was great for what he was given. king shit.

the biggest disappointment of my life came in the form of a kaiju vest wearing bitch at work. at his corporate job. as a boss. for a tech company that undermines all of his and, frankly, hermann's work over their lifetimes. 10 years older and exaggerated to the teeth. newton "move you fascist" geiszler. let me preface this by stating for all to see that i do not hate the idea of newton being the villain. story wise it was a bold move and there was something possible there. BUT THE IMPLICATION THAT ONE OF THE MOST OBVIOUSLY NEURODIVERGENT CHARACTERS IN THE WHOLE FUCKING FRANCHISE, ESPECIALLY GIVEN THAT HE HAS BEEN CHARACTERIZED AS HAVING A "BORDERLINE MANIC PERSONALITY" AKA HAVING ONE OF THE MOST DEMONIZED MENTAL ILLNESSES OUT THERE, ENDS UP ACTING AS THE GOD DAMN VILLAIN OF THE STORY IS A HOT GARBAGE TAKE WHEN YOU FACTOR IN THINGS LIKE POOR WRITING NOT MAKING IT CLEAR WHETHER OR NOT NEWTON IS EVEN IN CONTROL OF HIS OWN FACULTIES AND THE VAGUENESS OF "WILL HE BE 'REDEEMED' OR NOT" BEING UP IN THE AIR LIKELY NEVER TO BE CANONICALLY FUCKING ANSWERED BECAUSE BECKHAM AND DEKNIGHT SHAT OUT A MOVIE THAT BOMBED IN THE BOX OFFICE. we aren't even gonna TALK about the fact that this bitch got AWAY with it despite not even acting in a remotely stable way comparable to himself in the first movie in the 10 years he supposedly dropped off the map from all of his friends because, clearly, hermann hadn't seen him or he wouldn't be so excited with a picture of the two of them on his desk, nor would he have to tell newton about his idea for rocket thrusters with kaiju blood fuel because he would have simply written to him about it. for some strange reason people see his ass show up decked out in a suit he wouldn't even wear for Stacker Fucking Pentecost and a behavior of "Haha Gotta Listen To The Boss" and think "ah, yes, well, time changes a person. THIS BITCH HAS APPARENTLY BEEN LIKE THIS THE WHOLE TIME, YOU THINK HE GOT A JOB WITH LIWEN LOOKING AND ACTING LIKE HE DID BEFORE AND THERE WAS A SHIFT OVER TIME? NO, HE HAD TO HAVE CHANGED IN A SPLIT DECISION AND LIED ABOUT HIMSELF THROUGH HIS TEETH AND NO ONE CONTACTED HIM, OR WAS WORRIED ABOUT HIM, OR DECIDEDLY THOUGHT "YOU KNOW, HE MAY BE EMBOLDENED THAT HE SAVED THE WORLD, BUT I THINK SOMETHING LIKE THAT WOULD HAVE THE EXACT OPPOSITE EFFECT ON HIM AND HE WOULD DO HIS BEST TO AMPLIFY HIS CURRENT STANDING TRAITS. LISTENING TO AND KISSING THE BOOT OF AUTHORITY FIGURES? DIVORCING HIMSELF FROM HIS WORK WITH KAIJU XENOBIOLOGY THAT EVEN HERMANN PICKED UP? TO BECOME THE THING HE HATES? AND FOR WHAT? MONEY? FAME? BITCH WHO ARE YOU?" unreasonable. ridiculous attempt to do this just for a plot twist that was underwhelming at best. i've decided to stick to the fan theory that he was not in control 99% of the time but literally that movie causes such a hellfire path to appear in my wake as i think about it because i know people who don't take it like that and think newt wants what's happening because "haha horny kaiju man" and i wish to scream at the top of my lungs because this is exactly WHY you CANNOT spare ANY EXPENSE to the GOOD, PROPER, INTRICATE directing and writing of a character who is neurodivergent and also ONE OF THE CENTERS OF NOT JUST THE MOVIE YOU'RE WRITING, BUT THE FUCKING MOVIE AFTER THAT. i could go on but i sincerely don't fucking want to, despite how long i've been waiting for someone to willingly hear me out on all of this. all i'll say is if by some miracle they are greenlit for a third film and deknight's working on it and i see ANY sign of a bury your gays end for newt, i'm going to commit the first hate crime against a cishet white male.

to end, the only valid kaiju in that movie was the mega-kaiju, i don't remember the appearance or the names of the three that got through the breaches but the mega-kaiju could kill me and i'd die happy 🥰 beautiful design, that scale comparison when it came face to face with newt? amazing, chills, *chef's kiss* there are exactly two things i liked about uprising and that bitch is one of them.

sorry if this isn't what you wanted, but as i said i am in a bit of a bad mood and have been curled up in bed trying not to think that i'm dying and i've repressed all of this for a couple months now and very few people have actually heard PORTIONS of my frustration so. here it is.

[iamjjmmma]

My Own MBTI Test (Yes, You Can Call It JJ’s MBTI Test)

Usually, I only use this account for SU purposes. However, I don’t have any other ideas as to where to post this other than my own website I don’t have the time or mental wherewithal to create as of now, and I really don’t want it hanging around in my docs in the chance of being deleted. 

Basically, I made this due to the idea that MBTI tests you can find on the Internet tend to be clunky and long. Sure, they allow for variety, which allows for complexity in discerning your personality, but this also makes for what can be a frustratingly long experience. That being said, because of this test’s binary nature, it may not be completely accurate. However, it will make an attempt to distinguish both your general MBTI type and your specific composition of each of the four letters. As usual, let me know if you find anything wrong with the test.

Without further ado, let’s begin. For ease of taking the test, you can copy and paste, open a new post, and then bold what applies to you before reblogging it. Make sure to credit me. 

General (this is used to obtain your type. Because of the binary nature of types, you must pick the one that most closely applies to you).

It’s been a long, mind-numbing, draining day at work. Your friends call and ask you to join them for a night on the town, with them covering all the costs. What do you say?

A: “No, thank you!”. Then, you settle in for a nice night of watching movies, eating comfort food, and having a hot bath. (Introvert)

B: “Sure!”. You then have fun with your friends. (Extrovert)

Would you rather have a career in which you work with your...

A: Hands (Sensory)

or

B: Mind (iNtuitive)? 

Head or heart?

A: Head (Thinking)

B: Heart (Feeling)

Would you say that you’re quick to jump to conclusions (this includes if you’re prone to saying, “I don’t know all the information and can’t form a perfect conclusion from that, BUT here’s the conclusion I do have…”), or is it more natural to you not to form an opinion until you’ve examined every possible source? Be honest. 

A: The Former (Judging)

B: The Latter (Perceiving)

The capital letter at the beginning determines your type (except for iNtuitive). For example, if you picked B, B, B, A, then your letters would be E, N, F, and J (ENFJ). Go back through the test now, see what you picked, and write your letters down accordingly. 

Now, if you’d like a specific composition of how introverted and extroverted you are, then you need to take four more tests. (Don’t worry, it’ll still be shorter, and easier, than the vast majority of MBTI tests you find online.) 

The Introvert/Extrovert Composition Test:

Which would you prefer to do on the weekends with no prior plans?

A: Have a deep, personal, one-on-one day spent with your best friend

B: Have a fun, but not too personal, outing spent with a group of friends

Where are you more productive?

A: Someplace quiet

B: Someplace loud

How would you describe yourself in terms of your speech?

A: Reserved, taciturn, reticent

B: Outgoing, talkative, jovial

When you want a friendship, you..

A: Wait for someone to take the initiative for you, and then eagerly join that friendship

B: Take the initiative yourself

In general, which are you more prone to feeling in social situations?

A: Overwhelmed, overstimulated

B: Bored, understimulated

Where would you prefer to be?

A: In the background, where you can lie low

B: In the center of attention, where you can show off

How do you feel when talking to people you’ve never met before?

A: Awkward

B: Energized

You tend to get more joy out of...

A: Reading a book at home

B: Watching a movie at a movie theater

At work, you’re seen as someone who’s..

A: Timid and meek

B: Brash and perhaps seen by others as overbearing

Finally, in general, after social interaction, you feel...

A: Drained

B: Satisfied/wanting more

Obviously, if you chose A more often, you’re more introverted, and if you chose B more often, you’re more extroverted. But add the number of times you circle A and B. For example, if you, in that ENFJ example, circle A 3 times and B 7 times, then your introvert/extrovert composition would be 30% introverted, 70% extroverted. (Note: If you choose 5 and 5, don’t automatically assume you’re an ambivert. True ambiverts are in fact incredibly rare, and you’re better off going with what you chose on good ol’ question 10 to determine whether or not you’re an introvert or an extrovert. You just swing very slightly that way and may have ambiverted functions, that’s all. In addition, pure introverts and pure extroverts are incredibly rare, which means that if you circled 10 on either side, you’re probably closer to being 95-99% of one or the other instead of 100%. Bottom line: everyone has some introversion and some extroversion.)

The Sensory/iNtuition Composition Test

How well do you tend to remember events from your past?

A: Very well

B: Poorly

In general, do you focus on the here and now, or do you tend to get distracted by other timeframes?

A: Here and now

B: Other timeframes

Do you often dwell on the past?

A: No 

B: Yes

Do you often dwell on the future?

A: No

B: Yes

Which of the following beliefs best applies to you?

A: “I am who I am thanks to the past, and there’s nothing I can do to change it.”

B: “Who I am now is who I am now. The past doesn’t matter.”

Your romantic relationships with others are mostly driven by?

A: Your differences from the other person

B: Your similarities to the other person

What grades did you/are you getting in school?

A: Mostly C’s, D’s, F’s 

B: Mostly C’s, B’s, A’s 

Someone who is fundamentally incompetent in your field, but very high-ranking, and someone who is very low-ranking, but is shown to be fundamentally very competent in skills related to your field, are both making conversation with you, acting very condescending in the process. Which one would you kick out of the room first?

A: The low-ranking one

B: The one who is fundamentally incompetent in your field

Would you describe yourself as more results-oriented or more process-oriented?

A: Process-oriented

B: Results-oriented

Finally, would you describe yourself as someone who prefers to be more concrete or more abstract?

A: Concrete

B: Abstract

Again, if you chose A more often, you’re more sensory, and if you chose B more often, you’re more intuitive. But add the number of times you circle A and B. For example, if the ENFJ example chose A 1 time and B 9 times, then their sensory/intuitive composition would be 10/90. (Note: If you choose 5 and 5, you’re in the right for assuming that you’re an even split between the both of them… in fact, this is the most common even split in all of these tests, and, surprisingly, these won’t fundamentally affect your personality in any drastic way. You simply prefer to have a completely even balance of sensory input and intuition. In addition, pure sensors and pure intuitives are incredibly rare, which means that if you circled 10 on either side, you’re probably closer to being 95-99% of one or the other instead of 100%. Bottom line, just like in the introverted/extroverted test: everyone has some sensory and some intuitive preferences.)

The Thinking/Feeling Test. Possibly the easiest test you’ll take among these four. 

You have an unlikely dream you want to pursue, such as being a famous musician without any income to help get you off the ground. Do you pursue it?

A: No

B: Yes

Would you rather be in a relationship with someone who’s guaranteed to give you a financially stable existence or be in a relationship with someone that you’re completely, utterly, madly in love with?

A: The former

B: The latter

Your business is doing poorly, and one of your employees is in danger of being laid off. You have just enough money in your bank account to keep him afloat in your company, but that’s just about all the money that you have. What do you do?

A: Fire him. It’s the tough choice, but the choice you’ll have to make for the good of everyone involved, including the employee. 

B: Give him the money. It’s what he would’ve done for you, and there’s always ways to find more money through your family and friends.

Would you rather be alone forever or settle with a partner who is less than ideal for you?

A: Be alone forever

B: Settle for a partner who is less than ideal for me

Your friends invite you for a surprise trip across the country, visiting all of the places on everyone’s bucket list! However, this will require you taking 3-4 weeks off of work, as well as paying for all of your travel expenses, and perhaps some of your friends’, out of pocket. What do you do?

A: Decline the offer.

B: Accept the offer.

How do you react when you’re grieving?

A: I do my best to suppress my emotions and get myself and my family out of this crisis. I can go through my emotions later.

B: Go through my emotions as soon as I can. The sooner I do that, the sooner I can move on and help others move on as well.

Would you describe yourself as more liberal or conservative? (If you’re a centrist, just pick the closest one you lean to.)

A: Conservative

B: Liberal

Do you believe in soulmates?

A: No- there are over 4 billion adults on this planet. Statistically, there’s no way I can possibly meet them all, let alone whittle it down to the one person out of everyone who’s most ideal for me.

B: Yes, of course! Why else would someone choose to spend the rest of their lives with someone else?

It’s a Saturday night, you’re exhausted, and all you want to do is watch a movie. Which genre do you pick?

A: Something thought-provoking and based off of real events and concepts, such as a documentary or movies based on a true story.

B: Something unrealistic, but always sends you over the moon, such as a comedy or a romance. 

Finally, what would you say personally rules over you the most?

A: My head

B: My heart

Again, if you chose A more often, you’re more thinking, and if you chose B more often, you’re more feeling. But add the number of times you circle A and B. For example, if the ENFJ example chose A 5 times and B 5 times, then their thinking/feeling composition would be 50/50. (Note: If you choose 5 and 5, you’re in the right for assuming that you’re an even split between the both of them… in fact, this is the second most common even split in all of these tests, and, surprisingly, these won’t fundamentally affect your personality in any drastic way. You simply prefer to have a completely even balance of being ruled by logic and being ruled by your emotions. In addition, pure thinkers and pure feelers are incredibly rare and are more caricatures than anything, which means that if you circled 10 on either side, you’re probably closer to being 95-99% of one or the other instead of 100%. Bottom line, just like before- everyone is ruled to some capacity by logic, and to some capacity by their emotions.)

Finally, the Judging/Perceiving Composition Test.

You’ve just woken up in the morning, and you’re deciding what to do for the day. What are you most likely to do?

A: Make a to-do list

B: Just stay in tune with yourself and do whatever you’d like to do

You’ve just planned a trip to the East Coast, but a hurricane suddenly hits, as it often does, and all your plans for what you’re going to do for these next three days are ruined. How do you react to this?

A: With anger, constantly checking in to see if the hurricane will end, and making plans B, C, and D

B: In stride- hey, there was always a chance this could happen, and besides, this is a chance to stay in and play board games!

How do you approach work?

A: As work. Play can be saved for later.

B: As play- sometimes, I make it a game to see how quickly I can do tasks, see how many coffee breaks I can take without others noticing, or see what potential pranks i can lay on people. 

In terms of priorities, how do you approach work?

A: Work is always first-priority. That way, what I want to do can be saved for later without further interruptions.

B: Work is always as far back in the priority list as possible- I don’t want to be a killjoy. 

A new goal appears in front of you. How blind are you to things such as your immediate surroundings, new information, and the names and details of new people that come across you during this time?

A: Very

B: Not very much so; I can keep everything scoped in front of me

How do others tend to perceive you?

A: No-nonsense, structured, and rigid

B: Flexible, relaxed, and open for anything

Which of the following is closest to your work style?

A: In long-term efforts, with short breaks in between

B: In short bursts, with long breaks in between

An approaching deadline looms for one of your school assignments. What is your reaction?

A: Calm...I’ve done this assignment two weeks ago, and can now work ahead to work due later this month. 

B: Panic...I’ve only gotten this halfway done, and I only have a few hours to do the rest!

Do you tend to make decisions the moment they’re needed?

A: Yes

B: No- often, I’m so busy sorting through the given information that I miss it when it happens

Finally, do you see yourself as someone who quickly makes judgements on certain issues, or someone who takes care to view every side of the argument before voicing an opinion?

A: The former

B: The latter

Again, if you chose A more often, you’re more judging, and if you chose B more often, you’re more perceiving. But add the number of times you circle A and B. For example, if the ENFJ example chose A 7 times and B 3 times, then their judging/perceiving composition would be 70/30. (Note: If you choose 5 and 5, you’re in the right for assuming that you’re an even split  between the both of them… in fact, this is the third most common even split in all of these tests. However, this will end up changing your personality drastically, and may change most of your functioning style to the point where people sometimes see you as unpredictable or chaotic. In addition, pure judgers and pure perceivers are actually somewhat common. However, you should also take into consideration if that happens that if you circled 10 on either side, you’re still probably closer to being 95-99% of one or the other instead of 100%. Bottom line, just like before- everyone judges, and everyone perceives.)

[need-a-fugue]

In the Beginning - Chapter 3

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x OFC

Summary: He knew how to hide, how to either fit in seamlessly with his surroundings or lean back into the shadows to escape detection. He knew how to get around without money or supplies. He knew how to get any supplies he may need. He knew how to evade and how to disappear. What he didn’t know – from the moment he pulled Captain America’s body from the Potomac – was what the hell he was going to do now.

Warning(s): some angst, some emotional and mental turmoil… nothing big

A/N: This is the first story in a series I’ve been working on for awhile (Supernova), an AU wherein Bucky Barnes gets the girl, and a chance at a new life.

Steve always hated going to the doctor. Always. They very rarely seemed to help him when he was a kid, instead issuing out lame advice like, stay indoors and don’t play so rough. And all too often his mother heeded their words, locking him away in the apartment to watch all the other kids play stickball in the alley. But did that keep him from getting sick? Nooo. And when an asthma attack happened during his quarantine, what advice did the doctors give him? Get out more. Get some fresh air. The apartment’s probably too dusty.

From a very young age, Steve Rogers was taught that doctors are only out to make your life miserable.

Then there were the doctors who relentlessly poked and prodded him post-serum, each one eager to find something – perhaps a sickness that the serum couldn’t fix or prevent, maybe a side effect that just took time to show itself. Sometimes doctors would enter the room and just stare at him, as though he were a fascinating marvel in a circus sideshow.

“Well, you kinda are,” Tessa tells him as she snaps on a pair of latex gloves.

He gives her a disappointed, almost motherly look. “I am not a specimen,” he tells her, his tone leaving no room for argument.

“You are a medical miracle. That serum is one of the greatest inventions of the 20th century… of any century.”

“But the serum isn’t me.”

“Sit,” she tells him as she approaches. He goes from leaning up against the exam table to reluctantly sitting atop it, the paper crinkling beneath him. “I know it isn’t you,” she says, taking hold of his left arm and inspecting the faded bruises. “But it’s a pretty damn big part of you. And like it or not, it’s the part that’s most visible. Especially to doctors.”

“I just don’t like being treated like a science experiment,” he sulks.

“How’s the range of motion?” she asks, her fingers gently probing along his shoulder. He lifts his arm above his head and rotates it in a large arc to show. “Good.” She steps back and snaps off the gloves, leans against the wall opposite him. “You get how amazing this is, right? You dislocated your shoulder two days ago, and now it’s basically healed.”

“Yeah, I know. But – ”

“Would you blame someone for staring at a person who could fly? Or who could… freeze things just by touching them?” He cocks his head at her, a little confused. “Yeah, it’s a thing. I had a friend who could do it.”

“Fly or freeze things?”

“Freeze things.”

“Really?”

“Ah,” she starts, waggling her finger at him. “You see? It’s fascinating. Out of the ordinary. Amazing! Why wouldn’t people want to see that?”

He hops down off of the exam table and grabs his shirt from the chair off to the side. “Out of curiosity, if you’re so comfortable with people ogling… enhanced individuals, why are you hiding who you are?” He raises a brow at her, quirks his head.

“That’s not the point,” she replies, smile fading. “And for the record, you signed up for this. You agreed to take the serum. You allowed them to dub you Captain America. You went on a freaking USO tour.”

“Tessa… I’m just trying to explain to you why I don’t like doctors.”

“But I’m a doctor,” she whines.

“You’re my friend.” He pulls the T-shirt back on over his head and looks her square in the eye. “And that’s mostly because you were able to see past the amazing and just see me.”

“Yeah,” she sighs. “I am pretty great.”

“Definitely,” he says with a laugh. “Now can I be cleared for duty?”

“Yeah, of course,” she says reaching around him and grabbing a tablet off the desk. She taps a few times, swipes all the way down without actually reading the form on the screen, and scrawls a messy signature with her index finger. “But, you can’t leave yet.”

“What? Why not?”

She tosses the tablet onto the chair beside them and turns to peek through the closed blinds on the window. “Because as soon as you walk out of here, Claire is going to come in and lay a million problems on me.”

He lets out a small chuckle. “Welcome to heading up your own team.”

“Ugh,” she breathes out dramatically. “It’s not just that. I mean, it is. And I never said I wanted this either.”

Steve places his hand on her bicep and gives her a reassuring squeeze. “You’re a good doctor.”

“I’m barely even a clinician,” she interrupts.

“And we all trust you,” he continues, unfazed. “You should be the one running the tier 1 med team.”

“I think Tony just thinks that if I’m closer to the action I’ll decide to jump in.”

“He’d make you a hell of a suit.”

“I already have a suit. And I don’t wear it for a reason.” She sulks for a long moment, actually sticking out her bottom lip like a toddler. “I just want to do my research.”

“Didn’t Tony give you a whole staff for your lab?”

“He gave me Max and four interns. And Claire.”

“And that’s not enough?”

She stares down at the floor for a long moment, grinding her toe into the tile. It is enough. To make sure that the lab stays up and running. But she wants to be the one running it, and lately it feels like Max has been doing most of the day to day stuff, leaving her stuck on the outside looking in. “How’s your friend?” she asks, finally looking up at him.

“Changing the subject so soon?” he asks with a smile and a wink. She only glares in response. Steve leans back against the exam table and lets out a long sigh, his face turning more serious. “Bucky’s fine. Or as fine as he can be, I guess.”

“It’s been, what, six weeks?”

He nods. It’s been almost four months since the Triskelion fell, the entire event ending for Steve with his best friend turned cold blooded assassin dragging him from the Potomac. Bucky didn’t exactly disappear after that. He actually followed Steve for a little more than two months. Followed him upstate once he left DC, taking some time for a little R&R. Then he followed him back to New York when Steve gave into Tony’s pleas to join up with the Avengers full time. He even followed him up to Ontario when the ragtag group of superheroes went on a recon mission to find more about old Hydra bases. That was where Steve spotted him, when he casually stepped out from behind some trees as though he’d been waiting for him there all along.

That was six weeks ago. The crazy mission in Ontario, the bizarre conversation with a man who so looked like his friend yet was so obviously not him, at least not entirely. The decision to bring him home and help him rediscover who he actually is, or was. “Yeah, six weeks.”

“I guess he’s still just staying holed up in your place… acclimating?” Steve nods again, a sadness filling his eyes. “It’s kind of starting to cut into our time together.”

That brings a hint of a smile to his face. “Yeah, sorry we haven’t been able to have movie night in a while. Although it really seems like you’re the one who blew it off the last few times.”

Her hand flies to her chest, an expression of mock horror taking over her features. “Blew it off?! I was trapped here,” she says, flailing her arms to indicate the tight exam room. “Or in the lab.”

“You love to work,” he says, shaking his head and chuckling. “This place is your life.”

She merely shrugs. “Well you could’ve come to see me in the lab, brought me some of your mom’s chicken soup to keep me going. You used to do that sort of thing for me.”

“I’m sorry.” He takes a step closer and places his hand on her shoulder, gives her a firm squeeze and says with utter sincerity. “I promise I’ll make you some soup soon.”

“That’s all I ask.”

He chuckles again before saying, “Actually, I was thinking that maybe you could meet him.”

She glances up only to find that Steve has averted his gaze and is now nervously staring at the door in front of them. “Bucky? Sure. I wanted to meet him when he first came here. Or check him out at least. You did promise that you’d get him to the med floor and I’ve yet to see him.”

“Yeah, he hasn’t really been totally… stable.” He looks over and connects eyes with her. “He’s just… he’s figuring things out, I guess. Hydra did a lot to him.”

“Torture?”

He takes a few steps back and straightens himself in that way that indicates the beginning of a very serious talk. “I’m sure. And brainwashing… programming, he calls it. He’s not himself.”

“Steve, if you expect him to ever be the carefree kid you grew up with, you’re just gonna be disappointed.”

His shoulders slump rather dramatically and he gives a half-hearted shrug. “I know. But I want him to be… I don’t know. I guess I just want him to be okay.” She nods slowly. “When I came out of the ice, I was lost. I didn’t know where I was, and I didn’t really know who I was. And it’s different with him, I know it is. I was never… programmed or anything. But just being in a totally different world…”

“Well, what did you do that helped? What got through that lost period?”

“I’m not sure I am through it,” he says with a sort of self-deprecating smirk. Then, looking up at Tessa, “You helped, though. You helped a lot.”

She nods again, a serious look on her face. “Movie nights can do wonders for emotional healing.”

He laughs heartily. “Yes. Yes, they can.”

“So you want me to come over and make nice with your assassin friend,” she states, no question needed.

“Would you mind?”

“I don’t mind. Tony told me not to go near him, so I’ve already been thinking about just dropping by anyway.” She shoots Steve a smile when his face falls yet again.

“It’s just… you were one of the only people who treated me like a real person. Even though you’re a doctor,” he finishes with a hint of disgust.

“Careful,” she tells him, aiming a sharp index finger at him. “I can still revoke that form clearing you for duty.”

[ladyboltontoyou]

Arthur Morgan x Reader: Farmer’s Daughter. 6

Ask: oh my god! what if the parents from your “farmer’s daughter” fic found a wealthy man and they wanted him and their daughter to “get together” so they arranged some kind of a meeting for them. Since the girl knows Arthur there’s literally nothing this guy, her parents found, can impress her with. When she’s about to be bored to death they dump into Arthur in town? He rescues her and they take off, he gets a little jealous and it ends up in some smut in the bushes?! oh pretty please! love you!

Warning: Cursing, smut.

Pairing: Arthur Morgan x Reader.

A/N: I fucking loved writing this omfg. hope you love it as much as I do!

A week later and you hadn’t seen Arthur since. You were worried to pieces, even though he had told you before that sometimes he had to travel for work unexpectedly. It was hard not to think of everything that could have happened to him. And to make it worse, the last thing he had said to you was ‘I’ll see you tomorrow.’. Maybe if he didn’t say that you wouldn’t be in such a bad state of mind.

Also, unknowing to you, your parents had been up to something for the whole week you had been stressing over Arthur. If you hadn’t been under so much mental pressure you would have noticed they were planning something.

The day they had been out they met up with their two longtime friends in Saint Denis. They had a son named Thomas a few years older than you, you’d met him once when you were both very young but neither of you remembered it. Since you were both of age now, his and your parents decided it would be a good idea to spring a meeting upon you. Of course Thomas knew about it, why wouldn’t he? It seemed everyone knew about it besides you.

You were in the garden reading a book trying to distract yourself when they decided to spring the whole thing upon you. You sat on your favorite bench under your mother’s lemon tree, halfway through the book when you heard the sound of footsteps on grass.

“There you are!” Your father said as though he had been looking for you for hours. “Come inside, we have some very special guests I’d like you to meet.”

You squinted up at him and sighed, putting your pressed leaves between your pages. “They’re worth me putting my book down?”

He hummed and pretended to be deep in thought. After a moment he snapped his fingers and clicked his tongue. “Yes! They are. Now come on. Don’t keep them waiting.”

“Alright, alright.” You rolled your eyes and stood up from the bench, brushing off some of the jasmine flowers that had gathered in your lap.

Once inside you were met with three people, all with their backs towards you. They were all dressed nicely, especially the tallest man.

When your mother saw you came in her eyes brightened up and she smiled widely. “(Y/N)! You remember Mr. and Ms. Dewitt, don’t you?”

The name rang a bell, but when they turned around you had no idea who they were. “Of course I do!” You smiled, not wanting to be rude. “How could I forget?”

The couple, obviously pleased with your response, smiled widely and complimented you and your dress. They exchanged small talk for a while before their true reason for visiting was to reintroduce you to their son.

“You remember Thomas, don’t you?” Ms. Dewitt asked, referring to the overdressed man next to her. “Our son?”

You put on another smile and lied again with a nod of your head. “It’s been so long I almost forgot!” You laughed, causing everyone else to chuckle as well.

“Excuse me for saying this, but, I just can’t help but be struck by your beauty.” He said in a wonder-filled voice. “When my parents told me you were beautiful I didn’t take them serious enough.” Wow, where did that come from?

The first thing you did was recoil in surprise but you were quick to correct yourself. “Oh, thank you!” You pretended to be bashful, knowing that’s what was expected of you. You had manners but they would only extend so far, you hoped your parents didn’t expect anything to come of this.

“(Y/N),” Mr. Dewitt started and you looked at him with a smile. “My wife and I have made reservations at the new diner in Saint Denis for the two of you to have lunch. Why don’t you head out now so you can have time to catch up on the ride?”

You looked at your parents in surprise but they didn’t seem to notice. Had they been in on it too, you wondered? Well, you were around the age your mother was when she married your father. You supposed they thought it was time for you to find a husband as well.

“Oh, of course. How generous of the two of you!” You said when you regained your bearings. “I’ve been wanting to go there for a while now, thank you so much for the opportunity.”

“Of course darling!” Ms. Dewitt beamed along with her husband, they were clearly pleased with your reaction.

“We’ll be off then, it was wonderful seeing you again, Mr. and Ms. (L/N).” Thomas said and crossed the room to take your arm in his. Before you could tell your parents goodbye he was walking you out the front door.

In some way you had to be grateful to your parents, the whole ordeal took your mind off of Arthur for a bit. The surprise of it all was so intense you had trouble processing it Normally, your parents were very open and communicative with everything in their lives. The fact they kept this a secret from you was so strange you still wondered if you were missing something.

“A wonderful day, isn’t it?” Thomas said as he helped you up on the wagon he and his family rode in on.

“It definitely is.” You sighed and got comfortable. Hopefully, today would go by quickly. You just wanted to get it over with and come back home.

“Are you familiar with the sport of archery?” Jesus, why did this guy talk like that all the time? That was going to get annoying quick.

“Sure am.” You worked on pushing back your cuticles.

“Well, what do you think of it?”

You looked at him with a tired expression and forced a smile. “I think it’s great.”

Thomas smiled back and whipped the reigns, forcing the horses to go faster. You looked to your side at the landscape passing by and wished for something to happen so this already dreadful date would end. Sophisticated men were always so fucking boring. You wished you were with Arthur instead.

Oh, Arthur. Your heart ached at the thought.

“So, your father sells horses, does he?” He asked and pulled a cigar from his coat pocket. After lighting it he pulled a big puff of smoke and blew it out, not noticing that it had blown directly in your face.

“Yes.” You waved the smoke away.

“Good business?”

“Yes.”

He made a humming sound and offered you the cigar. You politely declined and watched the trees pass by. You were almost in town, thank god.

“You ever hold one of these?” You looked back to him and saw he was holding a revolver in his hand, still driving with the other.

“Woah, jesus!” You laughed nervously. The last thing you expected was to see a gun in the hands of a stranger who was supposed to be a gentleman.

He laughed, mistaking your nervousness for something else. “It was my fathers. He gave it to me for my twenty-fourth birthday.” He flipped the gun around, admiring it. “Would you like to shoot it?”

“No thank you.”

“I insist!”

You looked at him with furrowed brows, your top lip raised in confusion and a little bit of disgust. Where did his manners go? “Fine.” You took the gun from him and tried to resist the urge to shoot him. You pulled the hammer back and fired at a passing tree, missing it because one of the wheels ran over a large rock.

Thomas grinned and took the gun back from you. “Let me show you how it’s done.”

You crossed your arms and watched as he fired at another tree, totally ignoring the fact that you were entering town and he was being extremely irresponsible. When he hit the easy target he laughed and blew out a large puff of smoke, looking to you with a smile. Arthur could shoot better. And he wasn’t cocky about it.

“Impressive.” You lied and watched the people you passed walking on the sidewalk. Right when you passed the stables you swore you saw a familiar face, but he wasn’t looking in your direction so you couldn’t be sure.

“Would you mind if I stopped by the post office? I should only take a second.”

“Of course not.” You yawned and took interest in the lake off to the side. A few people were fishing and you saw two men arguing over something serious.

Once Thomas went inside you sighed and picked up his still burning cigar from his seat, taking a mouthful of smoke. You didn’t mind cigars since you didn’t actually inhale the smoke. Cigarettes, on the other hand-

“(Y/N)?”

At the sound of that thick accent you looked down and saw Arthur standing there with a confused expression. “Arthur!” You gasped with a wide smile and jumped off the wagon onto him.

“Jesus!” He grunted and caught you, laughing in surprise at your excitement. “Been that long, huh?”

“You have no idea.” You sighed and kissed him, finding comfort in his large, warm form.

“I thought that was you I saw with this pretty boy.” He set you on your feet, nodding his head to Thomas in the post office.

You groaned and rolled your eyes. “It’s been the most boring hour of my life. My parents set this whole thing up with the intentions of starting something between us.”

Arthur frowned, looking back into the post office. He looked angry, unreasonably angry. “You wanna get the hell out of here, then?”

“You know I do!”

Arthur whistled for his horse and hoisted you up, taking his sweet time in climbing on. It was like he wanted Thomas to see you run off together.

You rode off, continuing in the direction you were going with Thomas until you were out of Saint Denis. He only stopped when you were deep in the woods, and even then he continued a little more. When he finally came to a halt he basically dragged you off of the horse, pinning you against the nearest tree and smashing his lips against your own.

“Fuck, Arthur!” You gasped against his mouth as he hoisted up your dress and yanked down your small clothes. “What, where-”

“Be quiet.” He breathed and suddenly he was inside you, forcing his cock deep until he couldn’t any more. He let out a long shudder and buried his face in the crook of your neck, kissing and biting your sensitive skin.

You moaned and nuzzled your face into his hair, closing your eyes. “Arthur.” You exhaled and pulled him closer to you. “Oh, Arthur.”

“That feel good?” He grunted and started moving quickly. “Yeah?” He gave a particularly rough thrust and forced a yelp out of you.

“Oh! Yes!” You moaned and threw your head back, your walls clenching around him as your orgasm came out of nowhere. “Fuck!”

Arthur bit down roughly on your neck, hard enough to leave deep red marks that would surely turn into bruises later. He came with three quick thrusts and let out a loud groan, his breath shaky and labored. “God damnit, woman.”

He let you down and you pulled up your clothes with vibrating hands. “Where did that come from?” You stuttered and watched him buckle his belt.

“Just didn’t like the idea of you marrying some rich boy.” He admitted shamelessly. “I swear, one day I’m gonna take you away from there and we won’t have to hide anymore.”

You smiled at the thought. “That would be the day.”

@strawberrymigraines

[tocxmply-archive]

BRAINWASHING & ACTIVATION WORDS          

          so --- the process that underlies HYDRA’s creation of the Winter Soldier. first of all, this can be described as a process of brainwashing/ mind control/ mind manipulation to the point of breaking down one’s identity and reforge it at another’s will. what we know from scientific evidence is that this process is still debatable — whether it is real or a different psychological phenomenon, what it takes to happen, consequences, etc. obviously, it is impossible to conduct research to test hypotheses in such a field — for this reason, i have researched accordingly (shoutout to @timeripe for coming along for the ride) and i have tried to build up this background as realistically and plausibly as possible. 

[sources: click, click, click, click, click, click]

1. ELECTROCONVULSIVE/ ELECTROSHOCK STIMULATION (ECS)

          starting at 1944 --- right after Bucky’s fall and when he was captured. ECS was growing quite popular in the psychiatry field in the 1940s, after observations that, for example, it was useful to put a person in an anesthetized state. it was also already demonstrated that the electroshock provoked retrograde amnesia, in that patients could not remember the treatments and therefore had no ill feelings toward it. knowing this, as well as the effect of a general sense of confusion left after treatment, it’s small wonder that HYDRA saw the potential this could have in producing compliant soldiers for their cause. nowadays. it is also known that memory loss and confusion are more pronounced for patients who receive a steady flow of electrical impulses and who undergo bilateral electrode placement, both of which are the Winter Soldier’s case (re: the latter, it’s not actual electrodes used on him because the machines we see in the movies are quite rudimentar tbh, but it is a protocol of bilateral stimulation). we also know that some patients have persistent memory losses, especially with bilateral ECS. therefore, it is also not difficult to envision that, with frequent and non-optimized shock sessions (if not downright done on purpose to force all these side effects), in the course of 70 years of captivity, the Winter Soldier’s memory was frequently wiped clean for the most part and that some portions of it may never be entirely recovered, even if he’s to be removed from this hazardous context (i will venture deeper into his memory + amnesia in a different meta). additionally, whereas nowadays there is no solid evidence that ECS causes brain damage, there are reports that it might result in a lack of blood flow and oxygen to the heart, heart arrhythmia, and persistent asystole. 

          tl;dr --- this is a procedure that, when done without regard for the patient’s integrity (which, disclaimer, is NOT what happens nowadays during perfectly safe and optimized ECS therapy sessions), is terrifying af and does not immediately produce immense trauma only because the procedure in itself, ironically, causes the person to be unable to remember it. again, a perfect mechanism to be used by HYDRA standards.

2. CLASSICAL/ PAVLOVIAN CONDITIONING

          this is depicted in “Captain America: Civil War”, by the use of the infamous activation words and how they promptly revert Bucky back to the Winter Soldier mindset and, basically, turn him back to HYDRA’s puppet with zero autonomy/ agency. classical conditioning is “a learning procedure in which a biologically potent stimulus (e.g. food) is paired with a previously neutral stimulus (e.g. a bell). it also refers to the learning process that results from this pairing, through which the neutral stimulus comes to elicit a response (e.g. salivation) that is usually similar to the one elicited by the potent stimulus“. so, how does this apply to the activation words? 

          from what we can see at the start of CA:CW, during the flashback in 1991, the biologically potent stimulus is the ECS, as discussed in topic 1, which provokes a state where, right after the session, the Winter Soldier is 1) in a state of confusion, 2) in an anesthetized state of sorts, 3) having no recollection of what just happened, and 4) with his memory in general converted to a clean slate. all of these are ideal, in turn,  to induce a state of hypnosis. in this case: “hypnosis is a state of human consciousness involving focused attention and reduced peripheral awareness and an enhanced capacity to respond to suggestion. during hypnosis, a person is said to have heightened focus and concentration. the person can concentrate intensely on a specific thought or memory, while blocking out sources of distraction. hypnotized subjects are said to show an increased response to suggestions”. again, it’s not hard to see how convenient this is when you’re trying to create the perfect soldier/weapon, who’s 100% focused on your objectives and doing your bidding only. this is the default mode of functioning of the Winter Soldier, and what is achieved via the activation words.

          so, the way i see it... what happens is that, after every ECS session, a hypnosis session immediately follows. during hypnosis sessions, the Winter Soldier undergoes indoctrination on the whole HYDRA is here to save the world, we fight for freedom, everyone who opposes us needs to be removed, we’re the good guys, etc --- a message we see being clearly used in “Captain America: The Winter Soldier”, by Alexander Pierce, when Winter questions the man on the bridge --- he’s immediately reminded of how he himself changed the century, how he’s doing the right thing and this man doesn’t matter, yada yada. whenever this message does not work by itself, then a new ECS session is needed to restart the cycle; aka wipe him and start over. 

          during hypnosis sessions, that is also when the activation words are recited, again when the Winter Soldier’s mind is solely focused on them and nothing else. and this is how the conditioning, therefore, works: an initially neutral stimulus (activation words) is associated with other stimuli (shock sessions + hypnosis sessions) which is able to produce a desirable response (absolute compliance, zero resistance, zero questioning of orders, zero agency), so that, by itself, the neutral stimulus becomes able to elicit this same response.

          let me add here that the state of cryostasis the Winter Soldier is kept in, whenever he’s not needed, is also essential for this process --- as, despite the popular “cold sleep” name, this isn’t true sleep at all. this does not allow for REM sleep to occur, which in turn does not allow for short-term learning to be properly converted into long-term memories. which, again in turn, explains the Winter Soldier’s amnesia and, as well, why the conditioning must be reinforced every time he’s awoken (i.e., the reason why he’s awoken, dragged out of the cryo chamber, shoved down for ECS + conditioning --- as we see depicted at the start of CA:CW).

          a final thought: i personally don’t believe the activation words would ever be as powerful as to immediately and inexorably turn Bucky into a complete robot, after simply reciting them once, as we see done by Zemo. alternatively, what i headcanon is that, while the end result is the same, it requires longer and more effort to get there --- so that Bucky will try to resist the effect that the words are trying to provoke, and it will take a couple more times of reciting them (while he is somehow unable to block them out, for example by being physically constricted) for the brainwashing to be completely successful.

3. CONSEQUENCES

          first and foremost, i love the general idea depicted at the end of “Black Panther” that recovery IS possible, even for someone who’s quite literally gone through hell and back. however, i don’t agree with the idea that the activation words can be entirely removed, so to speak --- for example, it is well demonstrated that operant conditioning responses can take as much as 10,000 attempts without any sort of reinforcement, before eventually becoming extinct (thank you B.F. Skinner). ofc there is always the excuse that this is fiction and we can make technology as badass as we want, but i’m not a fan of that --- so i go for a compromise as realistic as i can do.

          we know that Shuri was able to “deprogram” Bucky quite substantially, but we aren’t explicitly told how --- only that it was achieved by the time of “Avengers: Infinity War”. we also have Bucky himself stating that he is now “a semi-stable 100-year-old man “ --- semi-stable obviously implying that he still has to deal with some sort of sequels, despite his huge and beautiful progress. and this is absolutely all right. persons who endure trauma and/or mental disorders do not magically revert back to a state where they are totally fine, no matter how excellent the therapy is, and i am very glad this much respect was given to this topic. back to Shuri’s strategy, i would say this was heavily based on a protocol of counterconditioning/ stimulus substitution and systematic desensitization. to make a long story short, the rationale was to break the association between activation words + Winter’s mindset, to make it so that the power of the activation words over Bucky is as reduced as possible, and to instead associate these activation words with desirable outcomes --- for example, a positive stimulus, such as affectionate human contact, that is offered at the same time the words are recited --- so that the words are gradually able to elicit a positive emotion, rather than complete submission. 

          from what we currently know, this sort of intervention has great success and, for example, was one of the earliest behavioral treatments for post-traumatic stress disorder. however, we also know that it is not a perfect technique (like none is) --- which, all things given, leads me to believe that the words have not lost their power entirely. so... whereas, for the most part, by the time of IW they have become obsolete as far as triggering the Winter Soldier mindset goes (provided Bucky is in a positive context), they can still provoke anxiety and they can still bring back a great deal of noxious memories associated with those days. so, for example, reciting these words at this point in time will not succeed in brainwashing, but it will provoke a negative/vulnerable mindset and, under certain circumstances and in certain contexts, may provoke an actual panic attack. this also applies to other triggers/stimuli (which i will discuss in another meta) but, essentially and most significantly, to the activation words --- given their relevance re: the Winter Soldier. 

          to conclude: in my portrayal, the events that are post-CA:CW will bring about the start of Bucky’s recovery --- which will be progressive, extended (tbh it will likely be a lifetime process), and not entirely able to revert him back to the man he was in 1944 but that will, no doubt, make a huge difference for his mental health, integrity, and stability. depending on the timeline i’m writing him on, obviously, his progress will greatly vary --- right at the end of CA:TWS, he’s dysfunctional for the most part and greatly vulnerable, whereas, by the time of IW and beyond, he still suffers from severe PTSD symptoms but has learned how to better cope with them and how to preserve his well-being.

[hellzyeahthewebwieldingavenger]

Spider-Geddon #4 Thoughts

Oh dear how quickly we can fall.

So the good news is Molina is back on art and Barberi’s art complimenting his work makes for a mostly smooth transition between the two.

Other good news, we FINALLY take advantage of getting to see these Spider-Heroes interact. We see PS4 Spidey react to seeing an advanced Miles Morales and to seeing versions of himself and MJ married, not to mention learning other Peters ask RYV Pete and MJ how they wound up together. We also get to have a Peter Parker react to the presence of a Norman Osborn.

It is simply put the best scene of the entire comic and maybe the event over all, definitely the main book.

Yes indeed it sure was a great...page.

One page. Out of five issues. The penultimate one in fact.

Sigh...other good stuff...

·         Getting to see other people react with justifiable suspicion against Norman.

·         Norman being a sneaky bastard.

·         One or two funny lines, the crown jewel of which is Ben Reilly saying he’s never met a Norman Osborn who didn’t want to stab him in the back. Because of course...this is exactly what Norman did at the end of the Clone Saga

·         Seeing and acknowledging Spider-Cop!!!!!!!!!!!!!

·         Dinosaur Spider-Man exists!

·         Dissing the Other as a Deus Ex Machina.

Now that last one is a contestable point because I dunno for sure if the Other would be regarded as a dues ex machina.

And part of that is that it depends upon whether we are referring to it in the context of Spider-Verse alone or it’s initial story.

To me it didn’t just show up at the end of Spider-Verse and kill Solus therefore it doesn’t meet the requirement, and it was already established the Other has the ability to wipe out Inheritors way back in the original Other storyline. But was that a dues ex machina unto itself? You tell me.

What’s interesting is if that line came from Slott or Gage, I’d suspect the latter at which point gloriously it’d be Gage throwing shade at Slott.

Now he should still be wary of what he throws around because when you look at this issue he lives in a glass house. A smaller glass house than Slott perhaps but a glass house nevertheless.

Now some of these my problems might be born of ignorance because I haven’t read or can’t remember every single Spider-Man/Marvel comic.

But...for just one problem among many with the issue...you telling me Norman Osborn fucking with the Web of Life and Destiny means that there is 0 ways to travel between dimensions?

Like...even Doctor Strange or Reed Richards can’t help you (and the Spiders can tell even though they’ve not even left the room)?????????

Regarding Ben Reilly he’s seemingly willing to kill. Now of course Clone Saga era Ben Reilly really wasn’t. Or at least his attitude was the same as Peter’s was on the topic. I dunno what happened between Clone Conspiracy and this comic so set me straight but it seems like he’s back to normal now and as such...wouldn’t his attitude be the same as back in the 1990s? Now last time I covered this series I mentioned how it doesn’t make sense for the Spiders to not kill the Inheritors so on one level this does make sense, but it’s nevertheless internally inconsistent because Peter and the other softer heroes aren’t willing to do that. So what’s Ben’s deal.

Again that’s all debatable as a criticism because I don’t have all the info.

But there are plenty of other problems the biggest being the thing at the heart of this whole event, poor timing.

I spoke before about the headfuck that was the tie-ins happening during or after issue #2 despite being released earlier and placed earlier in the reading list.

The same thing happens again because if you, like me, were reading Spider-Force guess what a massive plot point from that gets spoiled as Jessica Drew makes it back to Earth 616 with Solus’ crystal...and runs right into the Inheritors. Nice to know however the final issue plays out their overall mission was a total and utter failure. At least with Scarlet Spiders back in Spider-Verse it served a purpose.

There is another headfuck moment of dumb in that scene too as the Inheritors try and fail to feed off of Jessica Drew, failing because she’s radioactive.

Now she’s wearing her radiation suit and, if you’ve been reading Spider-Force (it helps because this issue barely tries to explain) you’ll know she’s just got back from a radioactive Earth. So one would think the Inheritors’ inability to feed off of her is due to her recent trip there right?

Wrong, it’s because her powers are connected to radiation apparently.

Now I’m no Jessica Drew expert so I consulted the marvel.wiki and am taking their word as gospel for the sake of this post. It reads as follows:

“When Jessica Drew was about a year old, her parents moved from England to a small cottage in the outskirts of Wundagore Mountainin Transia. Her father, Jonathan Drew, geneticist and research partner to the man who would later become the High Evolutionary, found large amounts of uranium in their property, which gave them the financial resources to build a research facility to keep working on their controversial studies of evolution, genetics and cell regeneration

In the course of the next three years, life was good, until little Jessica became ill, poisoned by her long-time exposure to the Uranium that was so prevalent in their land. Jonathan, being an expert on the regenerative and immunological properties of arachnids' blood, injected Jessica with an untested serum made with the blood of several uncommon species of spiders, in the hopes of stopping the tissue damage and immunizing the girl from the Uranium radiation in her blood. Then, he sealed her in a genetic accelerator created by Herbert Wyndham a.k.a. the High Evolutionary to speed the process, but it only seemed to work at a very slow rate. In stasis for decades, her aging greatly slowed, until the treatments finally finished in recent years.”

 Can you spot any words or phrases in that remotely similar to ‘radiation blast’ as used in this issue? Let me know if you can because I can’t.

It’s not even like the radiation played a factor in actually granting her powers according to this. Whilst Spider-Man got his powers from a radioactive spider, for Spider Woman radiation was the disease the spider science was curing. The untested serum her Dad gave her is what gave her powers, the radiation had nothing to do with that. Basically unlike Peter, Jessica’s powers are not derived at all from radiation itself.

So yeah...Gage seems to have seriously contradicted Jessica Drew’s you know...origin story...

That would be bad enough but it gets worse.

For the sake of argument let us pretend that Gage’s ‘revised origin’ for Jessica was true. The implication of the comic is then that because of that the Inheritors can’t feed off of her life essence because radiation is poison to their kind.

Now let’s ignore for the moment that they somehow lived off of giant radioactive spiders for at least over a year, and how radiation is poisonous to most things so phrasing it that way is rather redundant (it’s like saying ‘Oh wait you are vulnerable to fire aren’t you!’). Instead let’s focus on this headscratcher. Jessica’s powers coming from radiation makes her inedible to the Inheritors...buuuuuuut...Peter Parker isn’t...nor are any of the other people who got powers from radioactive spider bites...

*head desk*

Were the editors drunk when they failed to catch that obvious inconsistency?

I mean Spider-Man literally has radioactive blood! That’s a line in the 1960s theme song!

How do you screw this up so badly?

It’s especially incompetent when the fact Jessica just walked out of a radioactive planet and is wearing a radiation suit could easily be used as an alternative explanation. Say she is at the moment contaminated with radiation but is herself not adversely affected by it thanks to her powers. This would actually be more in line with the original Morlun story because Morlun could feed off Spider-Man no problem up until he injected himself with radiation and became temporarily radioactive. So okay they can feed on the life force of totems with low levels of radiation in their blood but not when they are seriously cranking up the dial on a Geiger counter.

There are other inconsistencies though, albeit not as idiotic as that one.

The comic can’t quite decide whether or not Solus got killed last time because he battled the Other or if any sufficiently powerful sharp object could kill him. Doc Ock brings up Leopardon then Miles dismisses that option because Solus beat Leopardon in Spider-Verse an event Doc Ock knows about. So Doc Ock, who states he knows the wisdom of avoiding past mistakes, is suggesting they try the same thing that failed before a second time.

Now of course Otto is not mentally stable, oh no wait maybe he is because Gage paints him as in the right so often (and implies being in a new body fixed his insanity in a way later comic but that’s neither here nor there). It just doesn’t make sense on his part, nor does his dismissal of the Other as superstitious mumbo jumbo.

Ignoring how anyone in the Marvel Universe disregarding magic is fundamentally stupid, Doc Ock is fighting other dimensional totem vampires wrapped up with a cosmic web that enables travel between universes and is connected to a form of danger precognition for everyone associated with a spider.

Why the fuck would the idea of a specific cosmic entity who’s specifically able to kill Solus superstition from his POV, especially when he knows for a fact it did what an obviously more powerful giant robot couldn’t do?

Another minor inconsistency is the Otto implying on one page that he  brought the Spiders to Earth-13 in order to analyze the Enigma Force and then locate it in Earth 616...but then on literally the next page Miles claims it was his idea.

Which is it? It’s somewhat important as it defines the power dynamics between the two would be leaders.

Speaking of the Enigma Force that’s another big problem.

In Spider-Verse the Enigma Force was essentially useless against the Solus because it’s pure life force and he feeds off of that. Ridiculously overpowered, overselling of the villain to cheaply build him up?

Most definitely.

But as a sequel to that story shouldn’t Spider-Geddon try to be consistent? Because suddenly we’re claiming that Solus didn’t actually eat the Enigma Force but simply...killed Captain Universe Spidey (????????????????) and the Enigma Force is still on Earth-13. And as mentioned above the plan is for them to analyse it on Earth-13 and hopefully then use that to track down the 616 Enigma Force.

My question upon hearing that plan was....so?

So they find the Enigma Force and/or the new Captain Universe. Then they either have someone bond with it or ask the new Cap for help.

And...what?

Then go punch the Inheritors?

They already know Captain Universe is a massive food source for the Inheritors. Yeah sure, in Spider-Verse Solus claims it’d be too much for any of his kids to handle but surely between all of them they could eat him?

Then again both Spider-Verse and Spider-Geddon have been hugely inconsistent with how the Inheritors feed. Not only did we get Verna draining any given person’s life force in Spider-Force #2 but I double checked the original Morlun story. He states clearly feasting off of Spider-Man alone would sustain him for about 100 years.

But between Spider-Verse and this story the Inheritors have all chowed down enough for like a millennia a piece then.*

Oy vey, yet another inconsistency I just realized from the previous issue is...weren’t they going to blow up the New U labs? SP/dr was ready to remotely detonate the charges and kill everyone in the process but then Leopardon intervened allowing everyone to escape...couldn’t they detonate the charges remote at that point? There is no reason the New U labs should still be standing.

One final inconsistency I’ll bring up is that Spider-Man PS4 claims that Miles is a good leader because he’s not lost anyone yet. I guess screw Spidey UK and Noir, but in fairness you could argue Miles wasn’t in charge at that point so they don’t count. What is more confusing is that on the very next page Osborn complains that the Inheritors numbers are growing as theirs are shrinking. Again which is it, are the Spiders losing or maintaining their numbers?????

Let’s move on from inconsistencies to a different variety of bad and dumb shit.

First of all Otto and Ben Reilly apparently hatched this whole other plan behind everyone’s backs making a bargain with the Inheritors.

When?

When could that possibly have happened?

I’m not even saying it’s not possible but it’s never explained it comes totally out of nowhere.

Otto didn’t even know Ben was around until last issue when he mounted his raid on New U and surprise attacked the Inheritors so if this plan was set n motion before that how and when could Ben have been integrated into it?????

Before issue #3 is actually the only time I can think of when Otto could’ve done this but it makes just so little sense. He didn’t know the Inheritors were having trouble with the New U tech (again, that seems unlikely given the tech Jennix was used to working with) before issue #3 to my recollection. So there was no reason for him to offer to help him understand that tech (and yes it’s clear Otto made the offer, the Inheritors didn’t make the first offer to him) and the Inheritors clearly attacked him and his group in issue #3. Meaning the offer must’ve been made during issue #3, between issues #3-4 or during issue #4 but there wouldn’t have been any time or any chance for Otto to get away and talk to the Inheritors.

I also don’t get what Ben Reilly has to do with any of this.

Finally, and most insultingly, is Gage continuing to wank off Otto.

Now even Miles is holding his hands up and saying Otto is superior, Otto is the smartest, Otto is the leader. On the one hand this slightly helps balance out Miles being framed as a better leader than Peter was in Spider-Verse (more Slott’s fault for Peter’s shitty characetrization) and no one else considered for leadership (like RYV Peter). On the other wasn’t this event supposed to serve Miles? Wasn’t it promoted somewhat like that?

Why are both this story and it’s predecessor so intent upon making Otto writer’s pet?

One final thing which is I guess more a problem for me is that this issue blew the promise last issue made regarding Norman.

It had the opportunity for some intrigue and Machiavellian shenanigans with Norman Osborn forming a secret third faction within the Spider Army. But then it amounted to him and Spiders-Man being kicked out of the group and wrecking the Web of Life & Destiny. When you consider how he was utterly not built up in the main book at all until the end of the last issue. Like he comes out of nowhere unless you read his debut but nothing conveyed to us that that was a must-read issue to get the main book.

Yeah so overall we crash back hard into the low quality of the prior issues of this series.

Oh well...just one more comic to go...of the main book. Still got another Spec issue, Spdier-Force issue, Ghost Spider issue and 2 Spider-Girls issues to go...sigh...

*Also pretty sure at one point in either story they ate Spider-Hulk. If Jessica Drew is inedible due to radiation how is Spider-Hulk edible?

[leakinghate]

You are Wrong about Lotor

The advertisements for this season promised to blur the lines between good and evil and delivered exactly that. By the conclusion of Voltron Legendary Defender season Six our paladins have apparently killed the only true hero in this show, destroyed their only access point to unlimited clean energy, and kickstarted a civil war in the Galra Empire. Team Voltron, has become the villains.

What’s that?

Doesn’t sound like we watched the same show?

Let me explain.

The writing and framing this season were truly incredible. Meticulously calculated to provide just the right information at just the right time to draw the exact wrong conclusions. It aims to provoke a violent emotional reaction in the viewer and discourage them from thinking critically about what they’re seeing. Even better, it’s a double trick, as additionally, our protagonists in the show fall into the same trap. It’s so incredibly meta, to have your audience make the same, independent conclusion as your characters.

It’s emotional manipulation at it’s cruelest, and this is only the first of the one-two punch that’s due to land it’s second hit next season.

Because team Voltron is wrong about Lotor, and so are you.

To cut to the chase, the story the narrative wants you to conclude, is that Lotor is keeping a group of Alteans hostage to systematically drain them of quintessence for use in his experiments.

I’m going to tell you right now, that’s not what’s happening.

Romelle is either hopelessly naive or malicious: she straight up admits to only knowing parts of the truth. Suspiciously, she is the first and only person Keith and Krolia encounter, but just so happens to be the only person privy to the ‘dark secrets’ of the colony. What luck! Of course, they must avoid interacting with the other Alteans who reside in the colony, as nobody else would believe Romelle if she told them. Convenient.  As far as I am concerned, everything she tells them that was not also directly witnessed by Krolia and Keith is suspect.

Speaking of, how is it, exactly, that we know Lotor is extracting quintessence from these people? Hmm? Do we have any concrete proof? No. Keith jumps to conclusions. Keith shoots first and asks questions later.

Upon discovering the emaciated Alteans in the pods Keith immediately declares that Lotor must be harvesting their quintessence. We see no actual quintessence in the lab, and by the accumulation of dust it appears that the facility has been unused for quite some time. Logically, the quintessence that the blade intercepted, and that Keith and Krolia have been seeking the source of, had to have come from somewhere, but that place isn’t this lab. But, this is no time for logic; Keith, Krolia and Romelle race off to the Castle of Lions to confront Lotor.

Sendak was absolutely correct when he said that the paladin’s greatest weakness was that they value the lives of others. Because just the suggestion that some innocent people may have lost their lives is enough to prompt the paladins to ambush someone, guns drawn, who has thus far proved himself a powerful and valuable ally. They ask Lotor exactly zero questions and don’t allow him the time to explain themselves. And it was the idea alone that caused them to act, because at no point did they seek out any proof whatsoever!

Allura alone I will grant some leeway in her reaction.

I 100% understand why Allura reacted the way she did, after all the shit she’s been through. She’s only just managed to feel that not all Galra are as monstrous as Zarkon. She’s fallen in love with his own son, and she’s hoping with everything she has that he’s really a good person. I’m sure there was still some residual fear there, it can’t have been more than two years from her perspective since everything she’s known and loved was taken from her. It takes so long to shake a trauma like she’s been through, and many people never fully do. And when she discovers that Lotor has been hiding the existence of other Alteans from her? That he admits to having to sacrifice a few? That fear and anger flared up.

It’s conspicuous, that circumstances conspire to both render Lotor unconscious and to remove him from the castle before he can explain himself. He doesn’t even hear half of the things that he’s been accused of doing and so wouldn’t know to deny them. No one ever, at any point, asks Lotor if he’s been harvesting quintessence from living Alteans. We’re left waiting to hear his side of things, and then, the next thing he says referencing Team Voltron is this:

“Zethrid, Ezor, my deepest apologies for lying to you both. But in order to gain the princess’s trust, and make the paladins of Voltron believe we were truly at odds, it had to be done.”

This comes at an interesting place in the narrative. Seemingly confirming that Lotor has been manipulating Team Voltron the whole time, and thus invalidating the sincerity of any of his prior actions since splitting from his generals. Because it follows immediately upon the horrific accusations he was denied the chance to refute it also tricks us into thinking he’s admitting to them. After all, if he’s been faking this entire time, what couldn’t he be capable of? Except. This apology is itself a lie.

In fact, regardless of whatever understanding Lotor and Axca have between them, it is impossible for them to have been working together at any point between Axca’s betrayal at Daibazaal and The Generals allying themselves with Haggar; after the point in which Allura and Team Voltron began extending some trust to Lotor. While it’s possible - even probable - that Lotor and Axca may have had contingency plans for faking a split between the generals and Lotor, and some of those plans may have included attempting an alliance with Voltron, there are far too many moving pieces for all that transpired between them to have been planned ahead of time. Far too many opportunities for one or all of them to have died. And, consistently, Lotor puts his own survival and that of his loyal allies above all other priorities.

Simply put, if the generals hadn’t been recruited by Haggar they would have been executed. If Axca was loyal to Lotor at this point she would have had no good reason to risk her life by returning to the empire, especially when Lotor had just killed Zarkon.

He says this when he does because he needs Ezor and Zethrid to not fight him over returning to the Castle of Lions. His words towards his generals, notably using ‘power’ instead of ‘peace’, are chosen to convince them to work with him again and to give the impression that he has control of the situation and a plan - which he absolutely does not.

We know this is a facade, because the moment Lotor comes face to face - or ship to lion - with Allura again he drops it and reverts to language and mannerisms he’s been using before with her. But he’s doing this openly in front of his generals and they’re visibly perplexed.

Lotor rushes back to the Castle of Lions to attempt to reason with Allura. He loves her, and he's willing to put aside his pride and plead with her in front of both of their teams. You can hear the panic in his voice as he tries to hold it together.

And then Allura accuses Lotor of being worse than Zarkon. Everything after that, isn't really him. He has a mental breakdown. He’s had every support ripped away, and 10,000 years worth of repressed pain and anguish come crashing down on him. He's lost everything that matters to him, had the one person he though he could trust, the woman he loves, accuse him of his own greatest fear, and he's hurting.

In meta about prior seasons I’ve seen it expressed that it’s a miracle that Lotor escaped his upbringing as apparently put together as he did. He’s paranoid, and occasionally willing to go against his own moral code if it means surviving another day, but surprisingly stable.

Well, it turns out he isn’t. Lotor fairly obviously has some degree of mental illness, and it unfortunately contributes to his decline in the season finale. At the risk of getting too personal in a fandom meta post, Lotor’s breakdown is eerily familiar to me - and I would expect many other fans with experience with mental health issues as well. I too have had crisis like that, complete with screaming, ranting and threatening to kill everyone who’s ever even so much as looked at you funny.

This whole situation went to hell because team Voltron has a history of making decisions based on emotions rather than logic. So far, it’s worked out pretty alright for them, but that’s about to change. They’ve lost their home, their best chance for stability and avoiding a civil war in the Galra Empire, and a loyal friend. Because they let their emotions get the best of them and couldn’t take fifteen minutes to sort out their facts from their fears.

The only negative thing. The only negative thing Lotor admits to, is that ‘many Alteans perished in [his] quest to unlock the mysteries of quintessence.’ He does not say how they died, he does not say he killed them, he doesn’t even say that their deaths were intentional. For all we know, they died in a lab accident. Those Alteans in pods? Among the many functions pods like those are established to have in VLD are healing and cryopreservation. We don’t even know that those people are the deceased Alteans in question. We don’t even know if they’re dead!

The one and only time we see the blue quintessence used as intended in show is when Lotor uses the last of his supply of it to energize his Sincline ship and attempts to pass through the gate for the first time. In response to Zethrid’s concern that this is the last of their concentrated quintessence Lotor states that once they get into the rift they will have access to an unlimited amount of it. Therefore, it stands to reason that the white quintessence found in the rift contains the same properties as the blue of unknown origin. But that the yellow and purple the Empire uses apparently does not.  Lotor doesn't need the quintessence in the rift for the empire: he needs it for the Alteans. He's not manipulating anyone, his goals are the same as theirs: peace and free energy for the universe. While it’s likely the blue quintessence does have some relation to the colony, whatever that is, there is currenly no evidence whatsoever that it’s being extracted from sentient beings. He’s clearly looking for a replacement source as it is. He likely wanted to tell Allura about the Altean colony, but felt he needed to secure reliable access to the quintessence field before he could do so.

So what’s this second punch that’s going to land next season?

If you haven’t guessed already, think how this is actually going to turn out. Because we know Romelle is wrong, whether on purpose or by accident. She basically conspired to kill the man who did everything in his power to save her people and her culture. And she did so by turning his friends against him.

How are the paladins going to feel when they realize this? How is Allura going to feel? She left Lotor to die in the rift. After he begged her to see reason. After he confessed his feelings for her. After she fell in love with him.

Ultimately, despite what many people expected, and indeed what many people are saying, Lotor has never intentionally manipulated the paladins and he didn’t betray Team Voltron.

Allow me to repeat myself:

Lotor didn’t betray Team Voltron

They betrayed him.

Sincere thanks to all my fandom family in the Lotura 18+ discord. Nearly all of the conclusions reached in this meta were origionally hashed out during chat sessions. Love you all, and I hope for anyone disheartened by s6 this meta can give you a bit of hope for the future.

I sincerely believe, that when all things are said and done, Voltron: Legendary Defender is going to go down as one of the best shows ever created.

[jack-andthestalk]

Our Son, Chapter 4, Foundations.

By the time myself and Willie were up and showered the following morning Jamie's jeep was gone from outside his cottage. Good! I thought I would just ignore him for the rest of my time here, we could resume our contactless parenting as soon as I got back to Boston. Willie and I wandered down to the main house for breakfast, checking over plans with Jenny for her imminent big day and catching up properly with Ellen. It was soothing to be in their company, no matter what had happened with Jamie and I, the women in his family had loved me unconditionally, which for me with no real family to speak of assides from Lamb well it was very much reciprocated and appreciated !

As the morning wore on, Ellen and I moved out to her garden to do some weeding and choose the flowers for Jenny's wedding bouquet, Willie came to help 'Gwanny' but really causing more destruction than anything else, digging up flowers and turning the watering can upside down drenching himself in the process, I was just finished pruning Ellen's rosebush when I felt a shadow looming over me.

I didn't turn to see who it was, I heard Ellen say "Ach Jamie, there ye are mo Graidh will ye clip that top rose for me there, Claire and myself are too bitty to reach it". He didn't respond but suddenly I felt his big body reach above my head and clip the rose Ellen was speaking off. He was right behind me now, I could feel his breath on my back, "what have ye planned then Jamie?", Ellen enquired. "Ye have a look of purpose about ye" I heard him exhale. "I was thinking we could go for a ride Claire", he said ignoring Ellen's question. His voice sounded gruff and hoarse as if it hadn't been used much.                                              

I dug my hands into the clay below the rose bush, wishing I could sink into it and disappear altogether. I felt completely exposed by our argument the evening before, I couldn't bring myself to turn and look at him, instead I just answered "il get Willie a dry jumper and he will be ready to go with you" I made to stand from my knees, "I dinna mean Willie, I thought just you and I would go, Mam will be fine with willie?" He obviously had looked at Ellen for approval as she was nodding vehemently at me saying "oh aye, me and Willie are due to start making some scones, are we not Willie?"

I swallowed the lump threatening to build in my throat. Why the hell was I such an emotional mess, I didn't want Ellen's sympathy, she must know about how Jamie felt about Willie's conception. I was mentally spent from it all. "no thank you Jamie, I want to finish these plants for your mother and...", A hand gently rose from behind me and rested on my shoulder, "Please Claire." A plea.

Ellen was watching the two of us curiously now, what she had first thought was as a simple invitation to go horse riding, was now apparently something else completely. She took another look at Jamie and seemingly made up her mind. " Go Claire", she said softly, "the plants will bide", a simple tilt in her head and a pleading look in her eyes, told me she was asking not telling me to go.

I turned to look at Jamie, his blue hooded eyes, watching me intently to see what I would do. "fine", I said with resignation, " I'll need to wash my hands".

Once we got to the stables, Jamie began mounting a horse he referred to as 'Donas', I looked around wondering why he wasn't saddling a horse up for me when he stretched out his arm indicating for me to mount Donas with him. I didn't move to join him but merely looked at him sceptically, "where is my horse?",  "Its easier if ye ride with me".

I hissed back,"don't be ridiculous I am perfectly capable..." he gave me a grave look, "i dinna say ye were not capable but we have a bit of ground to cover and it will make it easier as ye are not familiar with the route". He outstretched his arm again, his eyes met mine for a second, please. "Fine", I murmured and took his hand. I settled myself between his legs but did not allow my body to rest against his, leaving a polite distance between us. He just wrapped his arm around my stomach and hoisted me into his body, "Ye will nay be too comfortable if ya ride like that, rest against me, aye". 

“Where are we going?” I asked sometime later, I was lulled by the heat of his body and his strong arm wrapped around me, his other arm managing the reigns easily, the muscles in his arms twisting and turning, guiding Donas.

“I have something in mind I wanna show ye” he said gruffly. With that he used his strong thighs to squeeze Donas down a grassy pathway I had not been before.

We were riding for well near an hour, my little knowledge of the Fraser lands told me we were near coming to the border of those lands, or what I remember to be the border. All of a sudden Jamie turned Donas and we trotted through a small clearing of trees before mounting a hill, once at the top Jamie stopped Donas tied him to a post on a fence and said we would walk from there.

I could see it almost immediately, it was the a half built house, little more than the foundations but all internal walls were well on the way to show the outline of each room, whoever was building it had started to clad the external wall with the most beautiful natural stone that I knew to be very similar to the stone used on the tower in Lallybroch.

Jamie turned to me and put his hand out to help me down the hill, he turned to look at me, as I carefully traced my hand over the beautiful stone fronting the house, "the stone is it from the main house?", "Aye, its from the tower, it was a wall that had crumbled and I kept the stone for this", he said pointing at the house, "Its beautiful Jamie, are you doing all the work yourself?", he looked pleased at this, "Aye, when I can..I usually spend the weekends doing it..there is nay rush as such..I hope to have the roof on before winter though and then I can start thinking about windows and such".

I nodded, "well give me the tour then!" Jamie looked so pleased with my interest, my heart nearly burst looking at him. He took great time in walking me through each room and why he had chosen its position, for the light or a view. When he was finished I turned to him and said "its lovely Jamie, I hope you have many years of happiness in it". He looked at me bewildered, "its nay for me Claire...Its for Willie!"

"for Willie?" I asked incredulously.

“Mmm aye, well I ken he lives in Boston” he looked at me earnestly “and no matter what ye think of me Sassenach, I would never interfere with that”. He kicked stones forming the foundation, “but when he gets older and feels like maybe spending a bit of time here or having a place to bring his own family, I want it to have made it for him .., somewhere he can come.”

 "Jamie", I said in almost a whisper,  "its such a wonderful thing to do, Willie is so lucky", I realised he was still looking at me intently, "I have no brought anyone up here asides you, Mam and Da", he smiled then and said " I brought Willie up once, and he told me he would prefer a treehouse". We both laughed at that. "C'mere he said there is one more thing I wanna show ye", he led me to the back of the house where there was the foundations of another dwelling, much smaller, perhaps a garage I thought. It had the outlines of three rooms, and one tiny room, which was either a closet or maybe a washroom. I noticed on the blocks that were lying ready to use in centre of the dwelling, sprayed in some sort of paint was the words 'CB bedroom' and 'CB Kicthen', I supposed they were to identify where the various blocks were to be used. I looked at Jamie curiously "this is rather big for a garage?", he shook his head "its no a garage" a smirk forming on his lips, "its a granny flat" he said proudly.

Confusion written all over my face, he nodded in my direction and said "for you Sassenach", I shook my head as if to say I don't follow, he turned away to fiddle with a piece sticking out of one of the half built walls. "I ken that if Willie comes home from Boston either with a wife and kids or just for College, he will want you to come too aye, at the very least at holidays and such? so I thought it best to have yer own, so ye wouldna be on top of the other". My mouth was hanging open agape, "ye will always a place here Claire", he said softly. I literally was lost for words "Jamie I don't know what to say, I..I..".

He smiled pleased that he had left me speechless, "ye dinna need to say anything, I hadna planned on showing ye it until it was finished but after last night...weel I wanted to explain to ya", Jesus was I going to cry again? " Claire, what I said last night came out all wrong..I ken the truth of how Willie came to be" he looked into my eyes and they were so soft I could have drowned happily in them, memories of our night together written on his face, "I was worried that someone who didna ken, or didna know us!", 'Us', "would someday tell Willie that he was only the result of a one night thing, which in practice may be true", he smiled ruefully, "But we ken you and I, that there is more to it than that, Aye?"

I nodded my head in agreement. "Yes" I said weakly, he continued "So when Da talks flippantly like that, I get worried that he will say something in front of Willie and he will no ken the truth from us, so he will get the wrong idea".

He moved to an arms reach in front of me and tentatively touched the back of my hand, "I couldna ask for a better mother either Claire, I hope ya ken that?", his eyes searched mine to see if I believed him.

"Yes, thank you Jamie", My eyes were filled with tears but I was determined he would not see me cry again.

We eventually made our way back to the stables on Donas, the atmosphere was lighter between us, we were joking and happy to be in each others company. It was so long since I had seen this side of Jamie, probably the last time I was here, before we had the strains of co parenting affecting our relationship. Jamie was pointing out various landmarks on the Fraser lands, when he slowed Donas and pointed to a cave hidden up high on a hill, "do ye remember that cave Sassenach?", A knowing smile formed on my lips but I added rather noncommittally, "yes something familiar about it alright"

He stopped Donas and rested his chin on my shoulder, the act was so intimate, my heart started beating madly in my chest, I hoped he didn't notice. Even though there was no one around us for miles, he bent down and whispered into my ear "that's where ye pinned me down and kissed me for the first time, aye?" was he flirting? 

I snorted "I did not pin you down", you Mr Fraser, made up an excuse that you had lost something in that cave and made me go with you to find it, when you got me there, you put your foot out tripping me up and YOU then pinned me to the ground"

I could feel his chest vibrating behind me, "Aye weel" he said lightly, "ye clearly enjoyed yerself cause I see ye have no forgotten one single detail Sassenach".

I reached back to slap his thigh.

By the time we reached the paddocks I was fully resting my body on Jamie, his arm strong around my middle holding me there. In the distance I could see the figurate of a woman leaning against the paddock fence, looking out at the direction we were coming. I could tell she was smallish with long blonde hair.

"Who is that at the paddock Jamie?"

He hesitated in answering, sighing first, "Eh..that'll be Laoghaire, Sassenach".

[oleaspur]

ummmwine replied to your post “zenkaiankoku replied to your post “i find it really interesting how...”

oh totally to all of that though, like, yeah i think ppl either smooth him over WAY too much &/or make him like, more stable than evan which is like??? they have Different Problems actually but connor is definitely the least okay / least okay to be around of all of them...but it's also like...clearly just as Off to interpret him as somebody who just acts out completely at random and is just Intensely Angry ALL THE TIIIME instead of yeah, him having this actual internal

OK im replying under the cut because this will be long but tl;dr YOURE RIGHT

process behind the stuff he does which like, from an outside perspective would clearly be unjustified or over the top or irrational etc etc etc...and tbh like interpreting him as like, slow to warm up to ppl and quick to draw back thx to paranoia or potentially actually sort of latching on to ppl too fast but it can also go sour rl quick All Thanks To Splitting is valid af and like!! we don't know cuz canon doesn't say anything about that kind of thing re him. liiiike

i think the difference between having a relationship w someone with something like depression and anxiety and with someone who has a disorder like bpd is that w/ depression and anxiety you can almost always take a step back. its not going to be the case that everything you do impacts them and that their response to your actions is going to be a public thing.. bpd for me at least is very loud. it takes up all the space it can possibly find, so every interaction Means something and every response you have to those interactions needs to serve some kind of a function and it needs to be Known. its why at least for me i tend to suffer more when i have close relationships with people, because youre constantly having that sort of connection. like im not saying its always a bad thing because the good times are! so good! but everything is horrible and intense All the time so it never feels like youre doing something wrong when youre acting out. its more like why DOESNT this matter to everyone else the way it should. 

the splitting thing just makes so much sense to me because i used to be the kind of person who would say like , really awful things to my family as a result of it. i dont ever want people to think im justifying what connor supposedly did but i think there Should be an explanation beyond hes just ‘a bad person’ or Vaguely troubled. there is a genuine attempt to reach out to evan, however minor, and i think that its way more compelling to treat him as someone who Does crave genuine connection w people and is just unable to approach it in a healthy way than anything else

i don't think that reference to that particular incident with zoe is meant to be like "there's a specific canon answer to what issue made connor act like this" but like i can so see that being more of legit paranoia fueling that problem somehow and just...like hghh again out of all the senior kids he'd definitely have the most work to do before he'd be able to have a good relationship either in terms of on his own end or re the other person's end of it...like obviously

there's the violence which is like. number one Got To Get Rid Of That Asap mostly for other ppl's sakes but then like. figuring out how to deal w the underlying crap would be more for his sake. like god that all of them were in therapy but also connor's problems definitely seem intense enough that he could probably stand to look into being medicated instead of having to self medicate cuz i figure that's what he's trying to do even if its kind of backfiring sometimes...

definitely definitely.. i could say a lot about why i think having connor and evan (or jared i suppose but i havent thought about that so much) bonding initially and then it going downhill because of a lack of an actual understanding of each other’s issues (and then both learning and coping separately IN ORDER to build an actual relationship with each other) is more interesting and genuine feeling than them Immediately helping each other and it actually working. but it would be long.. 

they all need to See Someone. + obviously medication is never the be-all end-all of any kind of mh treatment but for me personally therapy was never useful UNTIL i was on medication that actually helped regulate my moods first. the sort of things they talked about were never feasible for me because my moods dropped SO fast and because just being told to do things was so infuriating.. and so on. i definitely agree w the self-medication part i usually see that as connor trying to deal as best he can w something that no one else seems to understand or struggle with. sometimes it seems like the best way of coping w things is to try and detach urself from it . obviously that isnt healthy at all but when u dont know how else to deal w ur problems u find your own solutions :(

ANYWAYS the point is that like. first of all projecting shit Is Valid And Who Cares Anyways but in this case its probably also more accurate than what ppl write when they have no experience with such intense and unmanageable things and stuff that you really can't quite imagine accurately unless you know it firsthand already. and godddddd a trope i cannot stand is like, the 'i just need one good relationship and that will fix things / inspire me to choose to be able to

handle this and voila! i am handling it" like!!! i LOVE good relationships being mutually helpful and with this cast it's easy to see how they'd clash cuz they all do in canon!! but it's also ughh so easy to see how they could all understand and help each other even tho their specific problems are different when u zoom in enough. and like it's cool as hell if a relationship helps you / motivates you but it's not gonna fix everything and it shouldn't!! and like yeah with

connor i really see his shit as being involved in / close to the clinical psychotic types of issues. which yknow, people REALLY don't tend to know how to write if they don't have lived experience or really do a lot of good research anyways. like badly written anxiety is still probably gonna be closer to the mark than badly written delusions or smthing, idk. but anyways i am going ON AND ON and the point is. bpd connor is valid as fuck and i love that perspective on him

YEAH i think when i was younger i fell into that kind of writing as a sad sort of wish-fulfilment thing because it makes sense to want things to be that way. but its not helpful to people who relate to those characters, or realistic/healthy to want that sort of solution because it just doesnt exist

i think with personality disorders especially its hard because to a certain extent its like... it inhabits you. i was SO worried that once i started being able to deal w my mental health issues i would stop being a real person because like. it informed Everything in terms of how i approached the world. its hard to write something like that but like.. it all makes sense in your head. you have your own internal justification for everything even if you never reason it out and even if you couldnt possibly explain it in words you KNOW youre feeling this way for a reason and youre justified and should be feeling this way. its weird stuff

ANYWAY ty for this i LOVE talking about this kind of thing and literally everything youve said is so good and real.. connor is important to me even if he has barely any characterisation in canon lol

[bard-dadsquared]

Do mobile read notes work? Guess I’m about to find out because I feel like anyone who pays attention to anything I post might be doing some big worries. So yeah. And despite knowing I don’t owe explanations my brain is urging me to explain my thought process anyway, idk maybe for my own peace of mind? And also because I don’t like the idea of someone potentially seeing me as overdramatic because I have one failed attempt at making an appointment at a PP clinic for HRT and yeah anyway more under the cut if it even works.

So if anyone is worried first I wanna say, I’m... managing. I can’t say I’m fine because I’m hanging on by a thread to be honest. I’m at least not as unhappy as I was living with my mom because attempts have been made to use my name l/pronouns. More effort anyway than was being put in while with my mom.

While that helps obviously it’s not a fix it all. I’m still misgendered constantly to the fact I frequently doubt myself until I put myself in theoretical situations that cause dysphoria. Thanks brain.

There’s a lot I want to do and I’m having a hard time hashing out how to get it all done. While I’m trying to focus on one thing at a time sometimes my brain says “fuck you” and the results are feeling overwhelmed and depression.

My list is mostly

Get HRT going

Find a therapist

Get a job

Get my GED

That doesn’t sound like a lot I guess but there’s a lot of steps for all of them and there have been endless obstacles. My little brother is doing amazingly with all of these goals. He has his license, he has his own car, he’s been living on his own since he was 16, he has a stable job, and he’s self sufficient. He’s taking his GED tests soon and I’m just sitting here wondering how the fuck he did it when I can barely call and make myself a fucking appointment.

I am having a hard time finding a job because I don’t know anyone who babysits free. We can’t afford childcare for us both to work. Because of my limited availability people won’t hire me. They’re gonna hire the guy with open availability. They’re also going to hire the guy with more experience.

So I tried focusing on a therapist. That didn’t go over very well. I had several reccomended to me. I emailed, called, and left voicemails. Nothing. I guess none of them are available. I’ve been trying to find a therapist since before I left Texas and I’m having the worst go of it. It’s discouraging because my mental health feels like it’s just steadily declining and it sucks.

My husband works all day everyday. He doesn’t have weekends because on his days off work, he’s going to school. He’s almost never home, I’m lonely. I have no friends to visit and for some reason have been extremely apprehensive to reach out to my online friends because I know I’m depressive and probably exauhsting, and my anxiety keeps telling me that most of them are distancing themselves from me to begin with and if they’re doing that then o should probably leave them alone and let them approach me instead whenever they’re ready.

I lost a potentially good friend over a misunderstanding because I thought she was criticizing me and got upset instead of stepping back and thinking about the whole thing rationally. I don’t like myself.

I don’t have any transportation and I don’t know who to call in this town for ged stuff and even if I did I couldn’t go to classes because once again we can’t afford child care and my husband works all the time. I also don’t have the money to get to the classes even if I could take them anyway.

Can’t afford to take another drivers ed course to get my permit/ license. Can’t get a job, can’t get the help I need, I’m lonely, and I can’t even make and appointment for myself.

I’m trying not to be so negative, and I’m trying to have a positive outlook but after so long it’s hard to do. I feel like I’m just wasting precious energy in stuff that might never happen

And I feel like the “professionals” won’t even give me a second glance because I’m “functional” because I’m not a danger to myself or anyone else. “”I don’t need help””

And that’s depressing.

My.. attitude about one failed attempt of making an appoint may have been a bit over the top, it’s just... *shrugs* I’m tired.

Why is it too much to ask that something goes right for once?