#obviously I'm being a selfish asshole because they're great and they're going to be great parents and they're so happy

[sunstranded]

The ACTUAL xNTx Struggle

a blog from aff that I moved here

Okay so this isn't like my usual works that is either about me and my works or mamamoo this is a tangent about being an xNTx (ENTJ,ENTP,INTJ,INTP) whoever sees this tell me what you think or not, I don't really care I just want to rant.

Be advised, I am not basing anything I'm saying from the 16 personalities website with cute characters. I am basing all of what I am saying and also consider myself an INTJ based on cognitive functions by Carl Jung not the way 16 personalities website with 5 letters because they treat it as behavioral (which is wrong interpretation of MBTI tbf)

Now to my actual rant. First would be the stereotype NTs get. Stereotypes are fine when they're in comedic/satirical contexts but in the real world it sucks ass. It's not like MBTI that gives you a type to know yourself. Stereotypes reduce you into something that justifies prejudice against you. Typing yourself as whichever doesn't do that because it tells you you're understood, normal, and here's how you can work things out from people different from you. Stereotypes don't do that, only thing it does is either be funny or be a pain in the ass.

I should say, I am an INTJ but I never act like an INTJ fully when with other people. Even with my friends. There is only one person I never filter my INTJ self on and that person is an ENTP. ENTPs are one of the best and natural manipulators that I know do it out of convenience, curiosity, and not anything maliciously selfish and twisted. They're NT, obviously to me I'd see their reasoning to be logic-inclined or curiosity-based rather than "just felt like it."

Whenever I talk to this ENTP friend of mine I always feel great afterwards. It's because they get me and expound on the things I say in an NT way. To clarify, if you are reading this and aren't NT-type, what I meant is very abstract ideas played around in a logical way. So imagine an abstract concept like intrinsically valuable happiness then instead of going on and on about what makes YOU or PEOPLE happy, NTs would play around it with the question of: "what is intrinsically valuable?" rather than "what makes me happy?"

The thing I just mentioned by the way is the very reason I am the most private, loner, tight-lipped person in all actuality. Obviously if you follow me, see my A/Ns, my works, my feed, it doesn't feel like that. It feels like im an extrovert. Loud mouth full of random ass shit to say. I also interact with those who comment like I'm just all about the jokes. It's very unserious, unvillain-like, and inclined to feelings type of behavior. This is by the way, the reason why 16 personalities website is shit. I got ENFP there and from Cognitive Func ENFP is NeFiTeSi which, I am very much NOT. The behavior I have been describing when you follow me and see my works and feed is ESFP. Which is essentially the inner child/ aspirant version of an INTJ. ESFP are SeFiTeNi it is the reverse of INTJ's NiTeFiSe. I act and behave like an ESFP here because this is where I release my creative side. But I am NOT ESFP. I'm an INTJ presenting as ESFP so, I still to the core think like an INTJ. I just act like an ESFP.

With friends I hang out with, they also thought I was an ENFP (granted they didn't deep dive on Carl Jung as much as I did) but that assumption is still relevant to my point and the stereotype I am sick of that I keep getting as an NT. I had friends that straight up LEFT me despite 14 years of friendship because I was being such an NT. Aka the stereotype of UNFEELING, VILLAIN, EVIL, and straight up an ASSHOLE. I have received that IRL so much so I learned the NT struggle the hard way.

Actual NTs that are reading this will get what I mean. You can't be the honest rawest version of yourself in public. Because there are significantly less NT types than the others (SF, NF, ST) a lot of NT types in any setting, when they become their REAL selves, the version they are most comfortable to behave as, it's a painful what the fuck. It's always received as a cold, heartless, and inconsiderate to think, act, and speak like an NT type. 

I've mentioned how I've been treated by friends I've known for so fucking long. It takes time for NTs to warm up to anyone and show their trueselves because the way NTs depict their very real heavy emotions is weird. They're seen as very untrusting and emotionally empty but they arent. They feel. They feel things the same way everyone else does. They just don't act on them. They feel them even deny, but they won't act and use their feelings as reasons for what they do.

I never admitted this but man did it not only piss me off but kind of killed me inside when a friend I've had ever since forever walked away on me. On text too. Just upped and left. INTJs are masterminds, long-term planners, future-focused visionaries with executable ideas, but despite all that in the simplest sense, INTJs are problem-solvers. They will always seek out a problem with anything and give someone a solution AND THINK that they are being kind. So imagine you approach an INTJ with your poetry and they point out how you could use this to improve it or how you can change this word or ask you why this why that. TO THEM, that's how they would show they care. They imagine a problem where your idea won't work and give you a back up plan in case. Obviously they suck ass at deliverying it gently. So they sound like a critical condescending jackass. I learned that the hard way several types over and over because it didn't make sense to me. Until I realized that the way I view "showing my care and interest" isn't going to be the same for someone else. It sucks, but that's fine.

What I am sick of and tired of is every other type painting us (NT types) as JACKASSES when we just show how we care differently. People would rather assume and ask. It hurts my very soul to be at the end of a relationship BLINDSIGHTED that things were fine but they were getting sick of my behavior and how I show my care love etc. etc. Fucking communicate, don't wait for the last moment where everything is too late. It happened so much with me that I stopped acting like an INTJ to anyone I'm close unless I am 100% sure they're an NT type. If they aren't I get tired of hanging out with them but I still remain genuine with what I say, I just filter how I do it.

It's a pain in the ass struggle to keep doing because the world won't accept a conventionally smart "know-it-all" jackass that trips on even pavement. That's why I hate being called smart by the standards of society. That's why I absolutely resent being put in a higher pedestal because of how I think. It's just different. It isn't higher nor unattainable for others. It's just different. And I am FUCKING tired of having to bridge that differential gap with other types because I can understand and act without my feelings being the reason each time.

I wish the stereotype is deleted man. Fuck that shit. I hate it. It makes me cry inside when INTJs or ENTPs or ENTJs or INTPs are just reduced into smart robot unfeeling people. This idea and all of the things I said really really bleeds into my work. It bleeds into all the angst I've written. So much so that a lot of the angst don't feel like angst. Not because I don't feel and I can't make people feel but because the angst style I have is not focused on the character's feelings. Rather, what they are going through and how they deal with it. That's why ENTP characters under my angst don't act like ENTP. They act like the INTJ (the shadow function of ENTP) stereotype I've been labelled as. That's why ESTP characters act like INFJs (their aspirant function) when in love, giving and understanding to a fault. Idealistic in the long run but blindsighted by present logic and data. I haven't shared this part of the other angst I'm writing but the INTJ charac there acts like an ESFP (their aspirant function) because that's how INTJs tend to act when they're stressed. They grip to instant gratification that fulfills their internal beliefs personal feelings. ENTPs when stressed would be different but I personally prefer making them act like their shadow function wherein it's their last resort of solving a problem. ENTPs when acting like INTJs are hyperfocused on one thing and believe it despite outward realities. That's why they act like a victim sometimes or sometimes they erupt in and attack with logic.

But in reality NT types are the types that would fall head over heels, roll over the carpet, kneel and pray, when someone expounds their ideas in a way they prefer. ENTP and INTP prefer expounding them by different seemingly irrelevant ideas. INTJ and ENTJ prefer expounding them in a deducing or deep dive way. I only speak for myself on this one but when I talk to someone else I prefer INTP or ENTPs than ENTJs or INTJs it's mainly because having someone expound my deductions and deep dives is fucking attractive. Like yes, tell me more. TELL ME HOW WRONG I AM. (I will stop here omg lest this will turn NSFW real quick)

For the sake of actual coherence and brevity, let me summarize it all to 3 points. Honestly as much as I want this to be 5k words, I don't think people will have the patience for that.

1. The stereotype of UNFEELING, VILLAIN-LIKE, EVIL, CRITICAL and CONDESCENDING know-it-alls ENTJ, INTJ, ENTP, INTP types get reduced into being bleeds into how they get treated by anyone when they start acting like their raw and true selves without a "feelings" filter.

2. The treatment they get for being themselves forces them to feel unwelcomed despite having good intent, so most of them mask themselves and act like a different type completely. This also validates the other stereotype of them as scared of vulnerability or untrusting of others.

3. All NTs struggle with this in a different way but I think all INTJs will agree when I say the very thorn and achilles heel to all my Ni-long term plans are people. We can't control them, nor do we want to but it takes us more time to understand them because we want to understand them in a way that makes sense to our knowledge and beliefs. But man does it tire us to keep doing so, working more than everyone else just so that we don't get reduced to our stereotypes.

[big1ron]

PART 3 GRIM HUNT.

Holy shit guys. It's Grim Hunt time. You want Peter and Kaine relationship? this is the Peter and Kaine comic.

In some ways this is Kaine's full on redemption. I know there's a comic literally called redemption but this is it.

I might have to go step by step for this one because ho. lee. shit.

Step one: acquiring a Kaine. Ominous warnings, blood, danger, Peter's already sick (drugged but he doesn't know it) we're of to a great start. Going into it with a clipped wing. And no flight feathers, really. Kaine is the stronger one. If someone was able to do this to him, Peter's in for a hell of a day.

And he is. Peter has a shitty fucking day! Lets skip it for now. Because it only gets better from here.

"But you did. You did because we're connected."

"Bull. I did it because I was bleeding out and they knew I was a coward."

608 forced Peter to accept that Kaine is his clone. Forced him to think on the fact that he could end up just like him, they're the same. It allowed him to expect better of him. To actually have some kind of empathy for him. And this is that realization becoming useless again. Being disregarded.

Kaine is a bastard. He's a self admitted coward. He saved his ass, but he wants Peter to run and screw the rest. He doesn't care if they live or die. Only Peter. And yet the cracks are already obvious. Before I even go into The Big Thing, its so obvious that he cares a whole lot more than he lets on. Than Peter even notices.

"I owe you because you saved me" Doesn't cover the actual concern he displays here. Doesn't cover the fact he actually tries to talk him out of going off to die.

And it certainly doesn't cover this.

....

That's a full on self sacrifice.

And a damn cool one too? Like come on. I know I'm biased but you gotta admit that's cool as hell. I didn't include all of it (go read the comic) but he's stabbed by two knives and a spear, shot twice, mauled by a lion, and then sacrificed at an altar. And THEN he's pinned to a wall as a trophy. And THEN he's set up in a mausoleum and coffin to taunt Peter.

I don't want anyone to jump in front of a bullet or stay behind in an explosion ever again. If you're not doing it like Kaine you're not doing it at all.

But here he is again. The fuck you, how dare you sacrifice yourself and force me to step in and take it.

"I'd sacrifice myself not once-- but a thousand times." And hell yeah, he's proven it.

608 was strange as hell. But this? This is the exact same Kaine we know and love. A weird, confusing asshole that would for some reason do literally anything for Peter.

And Peter wasn't expecting it. Obviously he wasn't because who the hell would? Kaine doesn't care about other people, clearly. He's a selfish piece of garbage. But Peter, and Peter's life, the "what if" that is Spider-Man is the only thing keeping him going. Because he does not deserve to be saved. But it was nice to see what it was like.

Pure regret. What could-have-been.

But what was the tipping point? Did Peter's words get to him? Did he finally manage to knock some type of responsibility into him? Hell no. Of course not.

It was here.

His punishment was life. He chose death. And in death, he got to see what it was like to be someone. To be Peter. He didn't die for him, he died in his place. He shaved to look like Peter. To fit in the mask. He made up his mind before he left. When he had that conversation with Peter, he already knew.

Something else.

Kaine can see the future. He knew he was going to die. He's prevented his futures from coming to pass before. He could have avoided it. Run off and left the others to die like he told Peter to. But he wanted this.

Dead because for once in his miserable life he decided to do something noble.

And Peter?

Peter loses it to be frank with you.

He Mark of Kaine's her. He actually fucking does that! He pulls her face off!

And this is the first time he calls Kaine his brother!

Kaine calls Peter his brother a couple of times before this. References him as such. But the moment of sacrifice is when Peter decides he really is his weird messed up brother.

The fact he can't do that to his face does hurt me. Especially given what happens next. But for the first time, he cares about Kaine. And about avenging him.

Kaine Parker. A brother.

He's given a last name. He's family now.

(also, i couldn't find a good place to stick it, but Kaine does clean Peter's entire dump of an apartment. Just because. He makes his bed for him. So when Peter goes home he has that to look forward to.)

What’s about Kaine and Peter throughout history together like their interactions, brotherly moments, cares about and respects each other. 

Alright I'm gonna have to do this one in instalments again cause these guys have a LOT of history.

first off, image/page dump here we go. MAN Kaine loves exposition and saying exactly what's on his mind.

(seriously I cut so much and its still a lot.)

So. Part 1, Clone Saga.

Peter and Kaine miss eachother for the first half of the Clone Saga. Kaine doesn't do much for a while actually. He runs around in the background, watching ominously.

The clone Saga is a mess. we all know this. So there's a lot of inconsistencies. Does Kaine think Peter is real? Does Kaine think Peter is the clone? Doesn't really matter. What does matter is he absolutely adores Peter. He commits a whole lot of murders in his name. Little bit (lot bit) of a stalker, never really puts up a pretense of not knowing who Peter is. They do a lot of fighting, (obviously, Kaine is a villain) but Kaine never wants to. His entire motivation is to protect Peter's life. He's obsessive and jealous but that's his entire goal. Also, he hates Ben Reilly. Because fuck 'im. And the Jackal for obvious reasons.

Peter has no idea Kaine exists for the first bit! And his first impressions of him are that he's insane and a murderer. Because he is. But Kaine is just so damn weird and makes so little sense that he's slightly conflicted. Influenced by Ben, he considers Kaine extremely dangerous. But he's nowhere near as personally invested in Kaine as Kaine is in him. He doesn't want him to die, but that's only because he doesn't want anyone to die. He doesn't shed any tears when he's arrested or dies.

His thoughts on Kaine would probably be: "Huh. That was fucked up and I learned nothing."

This relationship is extremely one sided.

[pandemellia]

Ugly Thoughts #4: Idiots surround themselves with other idiots🤡

So there's this artist my ex's partner is mutuals with.

I visited his Twitter page a few times. Talented artist. That's cool.

Until one day, (I think this happened around early October) I noticed my ex's partner liked a tweet he posted about getting into a new relationship.

I'm thinking like, "but didn't he drew art of his girlfriend, like a few months ago?"

Then the thread mentioned how he didn't care about how he was moving too fast, how he didn't care who it affects, yadda yadda.

I looked at the artist's ex girlfriend's Twitter for clues on when they broke up because I got a little curious. It was around late September. This guy jumped into another relationship around a week after his last one ended.

As I mentioned before, it's a huge pet peeve of mine when people rebound.

It shows how desperate they are; and let's be honest, they're only using the rebound to fill a void within them because they can't stand to be alone. This is unfair to the new partner. That being said, I don't feel sorry for the rebound partner if they know they're dating someone who just got out of a relationship. Actions have consequences. They're asking to be used. Rebounding instead of shows weakness, and that's just unattractive to me.

I hate how some people are like, "pEoPlE hEaL aT dIfFeReNt pAcEs". Shut the fuck up, you're just letting your emotions control you.

I say as I let my unhealthy attachment to my ex have me stalk his socials lol—BUT at least what I do is not at the expense of anyone else's mental health.

Rebounding also proves how little they respected their prior relationship. Did they really love them in the first place if their ex was so easy to replace? Like you already abandoned them, why you gotta rub salt in the wound by dating someone else so soon? Maybe the dumper had an ex who was a huge asshole, and did deserve being broken up with. Still, why use someone else's energy and time to fulfill your hedonistic urges? Being single for a while to heal isn't gonna kill ya. Trust me, I should know.

Moving too fast really shows some people's need for instant gratification and how quick some people are are to swap out partners like they're objects (it's already bad enough that this is easy to do with dating apps).

I don't know, something about rebounding feels so wrong. I really hate breakups and abandonment that much, I guess.

I'm not gonna sugarcoat it; I judged the fuck out of this person, especially when he said, "I don't care who it affects". I don't have the slightest idea on who initiated the break up, or what happened. But that comment rubbed me the wrong way. That phrase didn't sound like a self care type of selfish, it sounded more like a malicious type of selfish.

Then they tweeted about how in love they are with this person, which is something else I hate about people that rebound.

Bitch, you are not in love with them. You're infatuated with them, or you're thinking with your privates. Yes, attraction does lead to love, but it needs to develop first. Which takes TIME.

I feel like these are the type of people that think love is a feeling, and not a choice, so that's why they dump people because they simply "lost feelings for them".

Fucking idiots. You're obviously not gonna be in love with your partner 24/7. The honeymoon phase is not gonna last forever, so stop chasing it by going from relationship to relationship as soon as the infatuation ends. Keeping the love alive is an effort both parties in the relationship will have put into long term. Love doesn't work the way it does in these fake ass romantic fairytale movies. You'd think these grown ass adults would know that by now.

The homewrecker even commented the first tweet saying that it's great they both found happiness. 🤡

This makes me seem like a bitch; but God when I read that, I wished this guy's new relationship failed. XD

I know, I'm so miserable, that I wish bad on people who have nothing to do with me lol.

But listen here, it's homewreckers and people that move on too fast that enable each other and think their selfish actions are appropriate like these assholes are doing.

It's an echo chamber.

It's idiots surrounding themselves with other idiots.

The more idiots there are with this selfish ideology, the more pain they spread and waste other people's time.

So my wishes came true. This guy and his new girlfriend broke up about a week ago.

I like how he tries to play it off saying that it wasn't gonna work anyway because she was problematic.

Which is unfortunate that people like that still exist, but this is what happens when you rush into a relationship without getting to know the other person. That's yet another problem with jumping from one relationship to another.

You had it coming.

Now if only my other wishes came true.

That's what I'd call a Christmas miracle. XD