#number one way to get me to check out mentally goodbye i am unavailable for the next 3-48 hours

[mollypaup]

panic attacks inherently ruining your ability to recognize that you are having a panic attack is funny.

[thewayiremember]

14.5 - NATHANIEL

SUMMER. 1 YEAR BEFORE THE ACCIDENT.

           I swear nothing ever goes my way. That summer we decided to pretend we were responsible adults and that it was time to start earning some money on our own. Well, Bobbie and Nicole decided, I didn’t have a say. You’re not kids anymore? Cool, well, I’m not a kid anymore either, pff, I can get a job… Even if I really don’t want to… Plus, I knew it was going to be good for me. I would never have to ask for money again. And hearing less from my parents about how I’m lazy and not doing anything was a pretty great reward actually.  

          Being fifteen didn’t leave us a lot of options. Not many employers want to hire a bunch of kids. But I was clever about it and knew how to at least make some fun out of it. I convinced them to apply for a job in an amusement park. They always need extra hands in the summertime. Smart? Of course it is. We would have free tickets. Free rides every day. And it’s close to the beach so we could go there and cool down after working in the heat for so long. It was a great plan.

          But as I said before, nothing goes my way. I should have known that by now. We called, went for a job interview, everything seemed fine. “Okay, you’re going to be ushers,” he said. Well, that was simple, wasn’t it? Yeah, too simple as it turned out. The next day we were supposed to be sent an e-mail with work regulation and that kind of stuff. And we were, but I got a different one. Something along the lines: “Sorry to inform, but we hired someone better than you.” They had enough people, apparently. Well, don’t hire Bobbie and Nicole either, what am supposed to be doing without them? No, I’m kidding, they wanted this job for real, so I’m glad they got it.

          But seriously, what was I supposed to do? If I had told my parents about it they would have only made me feel worse than I already did. And now, that Nick and Bobbie were going to be unavailable for the majority of the time, I had to find another job. Even I know that wasting time in my room the whole summer would be very foolish of me.

I saw on Facebook the other day that a girl who had just finished her senior year in my school was looking for someone to help her or rather keep her company selling ice cream. Her name’s Martha and she has her own ice cream truck. She’s cool. I’d met her before, actually, while volunteering at school to spread awareness about climate change. I messaged her and got the job.

The first day wasn’t that bad. Martha and I had nothing in common, but surprisingly the conversations were endless. She had just finished high school and she still didn’t know what she wanted to do in life. You’re old, how can you not know that by now? But she really didn’t seem to be bothered by it. “Whatever life brings,” she told me. Kind of refreshing.

          On the second day, I started to realize why she was looking for someone to help. Sure, it wasn’t that hard of a job, but doing it alone I would have lost my mind. And I don’t know what the problem was, but we didn’t have that many clients. Like, really, what was the problem? Kids are weird these days. When did they stop liking ice cream?

          After a week I already regretted that I had taken the job, but I tried very hard to hide it from Martha so that she wouldn’t feel bad. Looking at the weather full of potential outside the truck’s window got pretty depressing. I could have had so much fun in that amusement park and instead, I was locked in that claustrophobic space with nothing to do. I told Bobbie to stay alert and if anyone in the park would quit their job I was ready to quit mine. Sorry, Martha.

          We had our three favorite parking spots in our city. One with a view of the hills, one with a view of the ocean, and one with a view of the lake. Maybe we would have had more clients if we stayed more in the middle of the city, who knows? But again, Martha didn’t seem to be bothered at all, so neither was I.

           The spot at the lake is the closest to my house and most of the people from that area who are my age go to the same school as I do, so a lot of the faces I saw during work were very familiar. But some of them I saw for the very first time. Like that Golden Retriever Boy. That was the first thing I noticed about him – Golden Retriever vibes. At least from the 50-meter distance that we usually had between us. He always had so many friends with him. He has too many. I don’t like them. Every other day I’d see them hanging out and wondered where were they going and what was their plan for that day. That job made a very nosy person out of me. I just hoped that nobody would notice.

           The Golden Retriever Boy wore the same camel shorts every time I saw him. And I thought my sense of fashion is poor. But one day he wore different ones. Wow, look at him, spicing it up! Haha. I snorted too loudly. The boy and his friends all looked at me from across the street. Oh God, he’s looking at me. Oh my God, he’s coming here. Oh my God, what do I do? I looked at the ice cream fridge to see my reflection in the glass. It was too late to hide, so I fixed my hair and tried to act natural.

“Double vanilla for me, and single dark chocolate for a friend of mine that you’ve been checking out for the last couple of days,” he said with a bright smile on his face, kind of laughing at me. Yeah, there are three of them, who is he talking about? I eventually assumed he was talking about the girl.

“I’m sorry… I… I wasn’t… You can tell her I wasn’t,” I tried to explain myself while trying to get a proper scoop. My hands were shaky and I felt redness on my face. I can see him trying not to laugh. Like, “Dude, it shouldn’t be that hard to give me that ice cream.” And he’s right, it shouldn’t! I don’t know why I’m so nervous. I handed him the first cone and for the shortest second our fingers met. My heart’s not beating, I died. I tried to do it again with the second one, but God gave up on me, and I wasn’t so lucky this time.

“Well, I’m glad you weren’t… checking her out,” he said, still kind of laughing at me. He winked at me. Is that a friendly wink, or a passive-aggressive one?

“Nathaniel, come on! We’re gonna be late,” I heard the girl yell at him from across the street and watched him go. Is that his girlfriend? Is that why he confronted me? Okay, well, I’m just glad he happened to be chill about it.

Martha was laughing at me too. “Ugh, boys,” she shook her head.

“Yeah… Boys,” I sighed.

            Nathaniel… That’s a pretty name, it suits him. Ugh, get out of my head. I couldn’t stop thinking about him that day, or the next day, or the day after that. About his messy hair, his flawless, already a little sunburnt skin, and those eyes… mesmerizing golden-brown eyes. Whenever I tried thinking about anything else I’d feel my hand still tingling from his touch. I knew I shouldn’t be giving myself false hope, but I wished he would order those stupid ice cream cones once more. I really wanted to see him again. But four days had passed, and still no sign of him.

“You’ve been quiet lately. Does that pretty boy has something to do with it, maybe?”

“Martha, stop it.”

“Oh, Ian, you’re blushing.”

“Martha, you know I will never admit it. It’s too cliche.”

“Oh, look, speak of the devil.” My body acted before I could even think. I straightened my posture, tossed my hair, and turned around. Okay, Ian, don’t act like an idiot this time.

          He ordered the same flavors as before. One for him, and the other one for his friend, a guy this time. I hadn’t noticed he had freckles before. Not many, only a couple on his nose. On the inside, I was pretty tense, but I don’t think it was that noticeable this time. My hands were steady, and I could even speak full sentences.

“Hope your girlfriend didn’t think I was some kind of creep. I really wasn’t checking her out, you know?” His friend laughed out loud trying not to spit out his ice cream. Why is someone always laughing at me?

“Oh, she’s just a friend, and don’t worry about it, she didn’t really care that much.” He seemed embarrassed, I really shouldn’t have asked, it’s not really my business. But, oh my God, was I happy to hear that. I smiled, making him even more embarrassed. His friend was still repressing his laughter and for a while none of us said anything. Eventually, Nathaniel broke the silence. “We should get going, but the ice cream’s good, I’m sure I’ll be back,” he said, winking goodbye.

           A day later I got a call from Bobbie saying that they’re looking for ushers again at the amusement park. “Um, you know what, Bobbie, I’m good… Yeah, I know what I said… But it’s not that boring in here after all…” Nathaniel said he’d be back. There was no way I wouldn’t have taken that chance.

           He was back. A couple of times, actually. Sometimes with a friend, sometimes alone. We weren’t really talking about anything but ice cream, and I didn’t think it was my place to change that. I was at work, I really shouldn’t be making clients uncomfortable. But the time was passing by, and the butterflies in my stomach were growing bigger each day.

           The next time I see him, I’m going to give him my number. That was the plan, anyway. Would he laugh at me, if I told him how I feel about him? Maybe, but you only live once, I guess. Of course, I wouldn’t be brave enough to tell him in person, so I had to figure out a plan. Don’t laugh at me, but after staying up all night, writing him a note was the best plan I came up with. I tried finding him online, but you’d be surprised how many Nathaniels live in this area. So I wrote a note and was preparing myself mentally to give it to him. I was excited, and extremely nervous, and Martha was cheering me on… but he never came back. August 14 was the last time I saw him. At least that’s what I thought.

1 YEAR LATER. 7 DAYS AFTER THE INCIDENT.

           I’d done my time in the hospital and was about to leave for good. And I couldn’t wait to leave. That place was really depressing. But I couldn’t without telling him what was on my mind.

“I was really hoping you’d wake up before I had to go. I couldn’t believe when I saw you here, lying in the same ward. I thought I’d finally have a chance to get to know you. Cause I liked you, you know? I don’t know if you remember me, but we’ve met before. The ice cream truck, from a year ago? You always ordered double vanilla, remember? Cause I do. I was always hoping you would come back so that I could see your smile again, to hear your voice. I even got the courage to finally ask you out… kind of. I wrote you a note. Want to know what it said? “I like you.” And I left you my number. I remember I tried to be more poetic, but that was the only thing I had in my mind. Why did you come back? I know I didn’t even know you, we barely talked, but I really felt like I lost someone close to me. For a while, I would catch myself wondering how you’re doing, and I was sad for a while, but you know, it passed. Were you thinking about me sometimes, too? Anyway, it doesn’t matter. I only feel comfortable talking to you about it because it’s ancient history. And because you’re asleep.”

          I thought that was a good time to stop talking, because deep down I didn’t think it was ancient history at all. I tried to convince myself that it was, that’s for sure, but I felt like I was playing the part of Megara from Hercules and all I could hear were the Muses singing repeatedly in my head “Who do you think you’re kidding, Honey we can see right through you,” and I felt helpless.

          I got a text from my mom saying she’s waiting for me in the car, so I got up, gathered my stuff and took the last look at him. “My name’s Ian, by the way,” I said, thinking I’d never see him again. Again.