#numb emotions and scattered thoughts

[starch1ldz]

*shaking myself by the shoulders* SCREW YOUR HEAD BACK ON AND GET A GRIP

[betweenstorms]

Part Three of Where We Part (previous chapter) (next chapter) (masterlist) Childhood Friend!Simon x fem!Reader

At first, you could only blink, the cigarette dangling from your lips as his words settled over you like a slow, creeping dusk.

Simon Riley.

After all these years, standing in front of you, bigger, harder, and somehow even more distant than the boy you once thought you knew. It was like some cruel trick of fate, a cosmic joke that you weren’t sure you were ready to face.

You let out a surprised, awkward chuckle, but it caught somewhere between a giggle and a whimper. It sounded so awkward, so pitiful. Gosh, you acted ridiculous, like a bloody schoolgirl, but the alcohol had numbed the embarrassment.

You really wanted to laugh at the absurdity of it all.

Simon Riley, standing outside a pub in Manchester like it was the most normal thing in the world. Like his entire life hadn’t been torn apart. Like he hadn’t disappeared from your life without so much as a word all those years ago. The laugh died in your throat, because there was something about the way he carried himself that told you he wasn’t here for a casual pint with old friends. Simon would never be here for something so trivial, so simple.

“You’re…” you started, but the words got stuck in your throat.

You wanted to ask where he’d been, why he was here, why he looked so different yet so familiar at the same time. But nothing coherent came out, just a jumble of thoughts, words and emotions that refused to form into sentences.

The last time you’d seen him, he was just a skinny boy.

Now, he was all sharp edges and quiet intensity. He was hard. Rough. Weathered. His face, a canvas of scars and hardship, told you that the years hadn’t been kind to him, but God, they’d made him heartbreakingly handsome. His body, once lanky and hunched, was now huge and muscular, the kind of frame that spoke of power, discipline, and control. His scars, the faint lines etched around his eyes, the ruggedness of his face—they only added to the dark appeal that cloaked him like a shadow. And with those intense hazel eyes that seemed to hold a thousand secrets, he was the kind of man who turned heads, who commanded attention, and somehow, that was making your head spin more than the beer had.

You shook your head quickly, like a cat trying to shake off water, hoping to rid yourself of the thoughts creeping into your mind.

“S’been a while.”

He didn’t smile. He didn’t offer any pleasantries. It was as though the years that had passed between you were an afterthought, insignificant compared to the weight of the heavy silence that lingered in the air now. You tried to find your footing in the forming conversation, your mind still struggling to keep up with the reality of him standing there, right in front of you.

“I—sorry, I just... didn’t recognise you,” you stammered, your voice a bit too loud, too high-pitched in the quiet night. You took a nervous drag from your cigarette, stealing a glance at his face. “Bloody hell, seems like you only pop up when I’m tipsy.”

You attempted a joke, your voice trembling slightly. It was weak, you knew that, but it was the only thing you could manage in the sudden tension of the moment. You flicked the cigarette nervously, watching the ashes scatter to the ground. Anything to stop yourself from looking directly at Simon, anything to break the intensity that had settled between you.

“Not intentional,” he said simply.

“Gosh, you look so… different,” you said softly, the words slipping out before you could stop them. It wasn’t a question, but a statement, an observation that felt far too obvious.

Simon tilted his head slightly, his sharp gaze flicking over you, sizing you up with that same old intensity that made you feel like he could see straight through you.

“You don’t,” he said flatly, his voice rough, like gravel underfoot.

You snorted, rolling your eyes. “Liar.”

Simon’s lips twitched, but it wasn’t quite a smile, more like a faint acknowledgment that he’d heard you. It was painfully obvious that he wasn’t going to indulge in any sort of nostalgia or humour. He was as closed off as ever. And yet, despite it all, despite the time and the layers of this strange silence between you, the weight of history between you was undeniable.

The warmth of the alcohol in your blood made it easier to stand there without fidgeting, but deep down, you were brimming with questions, confusion, a strange mix of anger and relief.

You couldn’t decide whether to yell at him for disappearing or thank him for being here.

Here with you.

“Where’ve you been?” you finally asked, trying to sound casual, though the question felt like it was hanging heavy between you both, too loaded with unspoken things.

Simon let out a soft huff as if the answer was far too complicated to explain in the back alley of a pub. He didn’t want to talk about it, that much was clear. You desperately wanted to keep him there, to say something, anything, that might ease this strange reunion.

“You just… vanished,” you pushed. “After everythin'.”

His hazel eyes flicked to yours, and for a second, there was something there—something raw and fragile beneath the stone mask he always wore. But it was gone in a heartbeat, replaced by that cold, guarded look you had always known him for, even as a kid.

“Had to,” he said, his voice dry as sand.

“That’s it? You just… had to?”

He glanced away, the flickering light from a distant streetlamp casting long shadows across his scarred face. “Does it matter?”

His words hit you like a punch in the gut.

Did it matter? Was he mad? Of course it mattered.

How could it not? You’d grown up together, after all. You’d shared so much, more than either of you ever said aloud. His family buried, his house empty, no one knew where he’d gone. You had carried that silent burden with you for years, the burden of not knowing, letting it weigh down on your heart like a lead weight. But maybe that was the root of the problem. Maybe you had been holding on to something he had long since let go of. Maybe you were clinging to the memory of a boy who didn’t exist anymore.

You swallowed hard, resisting the urge to press him further.

This wasn’t the time or the place to dig into the past. Maybe not ever. Simon wasn’t the type to dwell on old wounds, and you knew that no matter how much you wanted answers, they weren’t going to come easily. Instead, you took a long drag from your cigarette, letting the smoke fill your lungs and dull the ache in your chest, watching the pale plume rise and disappear into the cold night air.

“Suppose it doesn’t,” you muttered, more to yourself than to him.

Simon didn’t respond. As usual.

You both just stood there, cigarettes burning down to their stubs, and you couldn’t shake the feeling that the silence between you wasn’t just awkward—it was something more. It was the echo of all the years that had slipped by without either of you being part of each other’s lives. Fifteen years. You were different people now, shaped by other worlds, and yet… here you were, standing in the same place, in the same city that had once been your entire universe.

Much to your surprise, Simon was the one to speak again.

“How’ve you been?” he asked, the question almost noncommittal, but there was an edge to it—like he wasn’t sure if he wanted to know the answer.

You hummed, looking down at the scuffed toe of your polished shoes, suddenly finding the concrete more interesting than his piercing gaze. A frown formed on your lips as you mulled over his question, not sure how to respond. There was something so absurd about it, but at the same time, something so normal about him asking how you’d been. Something that almost felt... wrong. As if you were supposed to have a neat little answer, a perfect summary of everything you’d done, achieved, or failed at since he’d vanished.

But you didn’t know what to say.

How could you compress the years, the loneliness, the small victories and large failures into one simple response? How could you even begin to explain everything you’d gone through, all while he was somewhere you couldn’t reach?

“Uhm, dunno,” you muttered, your voice full of bitterness you hadn’t meant to let slip. It sounded insignificant, just like how you felt in that moment—small compared to the towering presence of Simon Riley and whatever hell he’d walked through to get here. “What am I supposed to say to that?” You laughed, but it was hollow, like you were trying to convince yourself that you found it funny.

Simon crossed his arms over his broad chest, deep in thought.

His cig hung loosely between his fingers, the glowing tip flickering like a beacon in the dark. His brow furrowed as if he were calculating something important, something far beyond the alleyway of a dingy Manchester pub.

And then, out of the blue, he asked something ridiculous.

“You married? Got kids?”

For a moment, you thought you misheard him.

It was such a normal question, one you might expect from an old friend or a distant relative. But coming from Simon it was jarring. Almost laughable. It didn’t match his rugged, military exterior at all.

You snorted, caught somewhere between amusement and disbelief.

“Nah,” you said, shaking your head slightly. “Not even close. My fiancé cheated on me with my roommate from uni, if you can fuckin' believe that. But that was years ago now. I haven’t really had anythin' serious since then.” The chuckle that followed your statement was missing humour. You said it as casually as you could, but the old wound reopened just a little. 

Simon didn’t respond immediately.

He didn’t flinch, didn’t offer pity or sympathy, but you saw something flicker in his eyes—an acknowledgement, perhaps. Maybe even some empathy, though it was hard to tell with him. He was never one to show his emotions easily, not even when you were kids.

“Bastard,” he hummed after a beat, the word falling from his lips with the same cold weight that had always been in his tone.

It wasn’t much, but somehow, it felt perfectly enough. Like in that single word, he had offered all the understanding you needed.

“An understatement.”

He took another long drag, exhaling slowly, smoke curling up into the air and disappearing into the night. The question had seemed so out of place, but maybe it wasn’t. Maybe it was his way of trying to understand what he’d missed—what had happened to you in all those fifteen years he was gone.

“What about you? Wife, kids?” you asked, your voice softer now.

Somehow, you were afraid of what his answer might be.

“No,” his voice was flat, almost mechanical.

There was no trace of emotion, no elaboration.

Just a simple, cold statement of fact.

His gaze flicked briefly to you before settling somewhere off in the distance, like he couldn’t quite bear to look at you for too long. Then, the quiet between you stretched on again, thick, unyielding and undeniably familiar. The sounds of the city filtered in, the distant hum of traffic, the occasional shout from the pub, but here, in this small bubble of time, it felt like the world had fallen away. Like it was just the two of you, suspended in the remnants of a shared past that neither of you knew how to navigate anymore.

“I thought about you,” you admitted quietly, surprising even yourself with the confession. “A lot, actually. I wondered where you were. If you were alright. If you were even alive.”

Simon shifted, his gaze fixed on the ground.

“Sorry.”

It was more than you’d expected from him. So you just nodded, unsure of what else to tell him. You stood there for a moment, your heart thudding in your chest at the weight of Simon's quiet apology. You weren’t sure what to say in return. It hung in the air between you, fragile and tentative, like a bridge over a chasm that neither of you were ready to cross. His eyes, once sharp and piercing, softened in the dim light, but he kept his gaze away from yours, as if looking directly at you would acknowledge the gravity of what you’d said. That you had thought about him. His broad shoulders shifted, his jacket rustling slightly, but he didn’t move away.

You felt a sudden tension in the pit of your stomach.

The kind that comes when you’ve said something too vulnerable, too real, something that can’t be taken back. Therefore, you took a deep breath and decided to shift the conversation, hoping to relieve some of the tension that had settled thickly between you both.

“So, you’re still in the military?”

You flicked the last of your cigarette to the ground and stamped it out with your shoe. He nodded, but didn’t elaborate, his face unreadable in the shadowy light of the pub’s back alley.

“On leave?” you hoped to get something, anything, from him.

“Yeah,” Simon replied curtly, his voice rough and clipped.

He ignored the question that still hung in the air: why here?

You licked your lips nervously, wondering if you should keep going or let the conversation fizzle out. But there was something in the air tonight, something that made you feel like you had to at least try. This wasn’t just some coincidence, was it? Seeing Simon again after all these years felt too significant to let it slip away without trying to make sense of it.

“Where do you live now?”

For a second, he hesitated, tapping his lips with his cigarette, clearly weighing whether or not to answer you. His gaze flickered to the side, his brow furrowed in thought, and then, finally, in a voice so low you almost missed it, he said, “Got a flat in London.”

London. The city you both now called home.

Your heart skipped a beat at the revelation. The vast city suddenly felt much smaller. He was so close, yet he’d been so far from your life for all these years.

“Well,” you scratched your neck, unsure how to approach the next part. “You could visit me sometime. You know, when you’re on leave. I’m not far, really. We could… catch up.”

It was a clumsy invitation, but it was genuine.

Despite the awkwardness between you, you wanted him to know that he wasn’t alone. That even after all this time, you were still here.

Simon didn’t react at first. He stood there, arms crossed, his still frame making it seem like he was wrestling with something deep inside. You weren’t sure if he’d refuse, brush off the offer like it meant nothing, but he didn’t. The silence stretched on, but then he shifted again, flicking the ash from his cigarette.

“Maybe,” he muttered, his tone giving nothing away.

It wasn’t a yes. But it wasn’t a no either. 

His next question, though, caught you off guard.

“How’s your parents?”

You hadn’t expected him to ask about your family. Your parents were never nice to him. But something in the way he asked, in the way his voice softened ever so slightly, as though asking about something more human softened the edges of his tough exterior, and that made you realise that maybe he hadn’t forgotten everything from your childhood. Maybe, just maybe, he still cared, in his own distant way.

You smiled faintly.

“They’re good, well, as good as can be, I suppose. They moved to London a few years back, actually. After my dad was diagnosed with cancer.”

The words felt heavy, even though you’d gotten used to saying them. It had been years since the diagnosis, but the weight of it never really faded. It was always there, lingering in the background, a reminder of time slipping away. His expression didn’t change much, but there was a shift in his posture—a slight drop of the shoulders, a softening of the jaw. It was subtle, but you saw it. He dropped his cigarette to the ground, crushing it beneath the heel of his boot with a sharp scoff, a sound that was more resigned than dismissive.

You pushed yourself away from the wall, the sudden anxiety making your pulse quicken.

“Leavin’?” the question spilled out before you could stop it.

The fear of him slipping away again, without any warning, without a trace, gnawed at you.

You immediately felt heat creeping up your neck, embarrassment flashing across your face. Why did you care so much? Why did you sound so desperate? You pursed your lips, trying to gather the frayed edges of your dignity, feeling a bit foolish for asking.

Simon looked at you, raising an eyebrow as if you’d just asked something utterly daft. His expression didn’t change much, but there was a glimmer of something, amusement, perhaps, in his eyes. “No,” he muttered, resting his now free hands in his pockets. “Not yet.”

The relief you felt was almost palpable.

You bit your lip, feeling foolish for jumping to conclusions, for thinking he’d just disappear again without a word. You exhaled slowly, trying to calm your racing heart, grateful that he wasn’t about to walk away just yet. There was still time. Time to say whatever it was that needed saying, even if you didn’t quite know what that was yet. You watched him carefully, still half expecting him to turn and leave despite his assurance.

The years had taught you not to rely too much on anything.

The autumn wind picked up, sending a sudden chill through the alleyway, but neither of you moved. This whole charade, the whole small talk felt like a delicate dance—one wrong step and it could all come crashing down, leaving the silence too much to bear.

“Thought you’d be married by now,” Simon said, his gravelly voice cutting through the quiet.

You blinked, startled by the sudden statement.

Pouting a bit, you looked up at him, feigning offence. “Can’t tell if that’s an insult or a compliment, mate.”

He shrugged, tilting his head to the side, and for a moment, the faint shadow of a smirk played on his lips, barely noticeable. He looked at you, not just a glance, but a slow, measured observation, like he was trying to piece together who you had become after all these years.

You found yourself doing the same.

When you first saw him that night, standing in the dark, your reaction had been immediate. You were drawn to him. Not just because of the memories you shared or the ghost of the boy you once knew, but because of him, the man he had become. The raw, rugged power he exuded. It stirred something deep in you, something that made you feel small and breathless in his presence.

What did he see when he looked at you? Did he think you’d aged poorly? Did he think you looked tired, worn out by the years? Or did he see the remnants of the girl you used to be, the one who had laughed too loudly and dreamt too big?

“Why did you say that?”

“Figured you’d have that all sorted by now. You always talked about it.”

You blinked, momentarily thrown by his response.

Of course, he remembered. He always had a knack for remembering the things that mattered most to you, even when you hadn’t realised how much they mattered to yourself. You had talked about marriage that much, hadn’t you? About the picture perfect life you imagined for yourself. A house, a garden, a family—simple dreams that felt so far away now.

“Yeah, true. At one point, all I could dream about was that,” you confessed, your voice quiet, almost lost to the night. “Perfect house, perfect family... maybe a couple of dogs runnin’ around in my perfect bloody garden. I thought I had it all mapped out when I left, like… you know, everythin’ would just fall into place once I started my life in London.” You smiled faintly, but there was no happiness in it, only a soft, sad acceptance. “But it didn’t. None of it did.”

The confession felt surreal, especially with Simon standing there, his presence almost too big, too solid for such vulnerable words. But at the same time, there was something comforting about it, knowing that he wouldn’t judge. Simon had never been one for meaningless platitudes or false reassurances. If anything, his silence, his mere presence, felt like the only kind of understanding you needed.

You could feel his hazel eyes on you, heavy and contemplative, as though he was waiting for you to continue. And suddenly, you wanted to. The words spilled out, unfiltered, like they had been sitting on the tip of your tongue for far too long.

“Now? I dunno. Now I’m just happy if my parents are healthy. If I’m healthy. I’m not really thinkin’ about love anymore. Not like I used to, at least. When you’re young, you think you’ve got all the time in the world. You think everythin’s just gonna... work out. But then life happens. Things change. People leave.”

Simon's jaw tightened just a fraction, as if the truth of what you’d said had hit closer to home than he’d care to admit. You wondered if he thought about those years like the way you did—if he ever looked back and felt the same sense of loss that gnawed at you every time you remembered the way things used to be.

“You can still have that,” he muttered, his voice low, almost gruff. The words felt heavy, like they carried the weight of more than just an offhand comment. “If that's what you truly want.”

A sharp pang hit your chest, not from the words themselves but from the rawness of them. It was the sort of thing people say when they don’t know what else to offer—when they’re too afraid to dig deeper, but they can see the cracks in your carefully maintained façade.

You weren’t sure if he meant it to be comforting, but it didn’t land that way. Instead, it just scraped against the edges of something you didn’t want to acknowledge.

Without thinking, you reached into the pocket of your jacket and fished out your cigarettes, suddenly needing something to do with your hands, something to break the intensity of the moment. You tapped the pack against your palm before offering it to him. He looked at it, hesitating for a moment before shaking his head.

“Maybe once,” you mumbled, trying to play it off like the subject didn’t sting as much as it did. “But not really anymore. I’m too old for that shit. That ship’s sailed, Si.”

Simon reached into his pocket and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on, the small flame illuminating his roughened features in the dim light as he leaned toward you. You cupped your hand around the flame, lighting your cigarette. He watched you closely as you took a drag, his eyes following the trail of smoke as it curled upwards into the cold night air.

“You’re not old,” the tone in his voice was oddly serious, almost reprimanding, as if he was annoyed at your self-deprecation.

You snorted, a dry laugh escaping your lips, smoke swirling around your face. “You should tell that to my back,” you joked, shaking your head. “Some mornings, I feel ancient.”

Simon didn’t pick up on your sarcasm. He fixed you with a look, his brow furrowed, as if he was thinking back to something. “Maybe you didn’t take my advice last time we talked.”

You stilled at his words, as his reference hit home.

You knew what he was talking about.

That summer night, fifteen years ago, when you’d left him standing under the rose bush in your parents’ garden. He’d told you to live your life, to move on. And you had, for the most part. But now, standing here with him again, you wondered if you had truly moved on, or if some part of you had been stuck in that moment ever since.

You felt a sudden ache, a strange emptiness you hadn’t realised was still there, like a flower wilting under the weight of its own bloom. You looked down at the ground, avoiding his gaze, feeling the years press down on you like the world had shifted beneath your feet.

You let out a shaky breath, suddenly feeling small in his presence. “Yeah, maybe I didn’t.”

You hadn’t taken his advice. You’d spent too long waiting, too long caught up in the idea of what could have been, of what should have been. And now, here you were, standing in the same city, still trying to figure out what your life was supposed to look like.

Simon pushed himself off the wall, straightening up, his large frame suddenly seeming even taller, more imposing. His movements were deliberate, but not rushed, as though he had made up his mind about something. Your cigarette hung loosely between your fingers, long forgotten, as you watched him, your heart sinking as you realised he was preparing to leave.

“Find the happiness you deserve.”

It wasn’t a command, but it wasn’t a casual suggestion either.

This time, you didn’t mock him. You didn’t roll your eyes or laugh it off, like you had fifteen years ago. Instead, you bit the inside of your cheek, lowering your gaze to the ground. You weren’t sure if you could say anything to that. What was there to say?

Before you could fully gather your thoughts, Simon stepped forward, and suddenly, he was standing much closer to you than before, so close you could feel the warmth radiating off his body.  Your heart skipped a beat, your breath hitching in your throat as you instinctively looked up at him. His presence was overwhelming and it made your pulse quicken in a way you hadn’t expected. The air seemed to freeze around you both, suspended in that moment.

He didn’t say anything, he just watched you, his hazel eyes studying your face like he was trying to commit it to memory. His gaze roamed over your features, and for the first time that night, you felt truly exposed under the weight of his attention.

Then, without warning, Simon’s hand came up, and his fingers gently grasped your chin. The touch was firm, but not harsh, guiding your face up toward him, tilting your head so that your eyes met his. You felt the cigarette slip from your fingers as you stared up at him, wide-eyed and breathless. Your mind raced, trying to make sense of the sudden closeness, the unexpected touch. What was he doing? What was he thinking? The warmth of his hand on your skin sent a shiver down your spine, and for a moment, time seemed to stand still.

Simon’s gaze remained fixed on yours, his calloused fingers still holding your chin in place, as though he wanted to see you clearly, perhaps for the first time in years. You didn’t dare move, didn’t dare breathe, afraid of breaking whatever fragile moment this was. The world around you faded into the background—the pub, the noise, the cold. None of it mattered. Only him, only this moment, suspended between the past and the present.

Then, just as quickly as it had started, it ended.

Simon released you, his hand falling back to his side, and he stepped away.

“I’ll visit,” he promised, his voice calm, almost casual, as if nothing had happened at all. The distance between you felt sudden, leaving you dumbfounded and your cheeks burning hot red. He turned away from you this time, his broad back blocking out the rest of the alley as he moved to leave. “If I’m in London again.”

You blinked, still trying to process everything that had just happened.

The impact of his intoxicating presence, the way his warm touch lingered on your blushed skin, the way his words seemed to hang in the air long after he’d spoken them, like a secret. The whole situation, the proximity, the way he had touched you, the idea that Simon Riley might actually show up again, left you reeling.

Maybe this wasn’t just a fleeting reunion. Maybe it wasn’t just a chance encounter. There was something more to this, something unspoken but undeniably real.

“Yeah,” you breathed, not sure if he heard you. “I’d like that.”

And for the first time in what felt like forever, you believed it.

Originally, I planned to end this story after the first chapter, but the kindness and encouragement in the comments have inspired me to keep going. Now, the story feels incomplete, like there's more left to explore. I’m considering turning this into a short series, with one or two more parts to make it feel whole. Thank you for your comments and support—I really enjoy talking with all of you!

[chestersturniolo]

“Fine!”

Chris Sturniolo x collegestudent!reader

based on this request (warning; mentions of eating/sleeping habits)

*°:⋆ₓₒ

The coffee table is a disaster—papers scattered everywhere, books piled high in random heaps. You’re sitting cross-legged on the floor, hunched over your notes. Your back aching from hours in the same position as you try to cram more information into your exhausted brain. The exam is looming, and despite how tired you feel, there’s no time to stop.

You barely register the sound of Chris’s footsteps as he walks into the room. His voice is gentle as he crouches down beside you.

“Hey, babe-“ he says, placing a kiss on your cheek. “-Is there anything I can do to help?”

Without looking up from your textbook, you shake your head. “No, I’m fine” you mumble, eyes glued to the page. You flip to the next section with more force than necessary, frustrated by how little you feel is sticking.

Chris watches you for a moment, concerned. He tries again. “You sure? You’ve been at this for hours,,maybe you should take a break. I can get you something to eat, or we could—”

“Chris!” you snap, cutting him off

“I said I’m fine” The words come out harsher than you meant, but you can’t help it. You’re overwhelmed, and his hovering is only adding to your stress. You let out a sharp sigh “Yknow what, maybe I’ll be able to focus better someplace else, without you hounding me”

You don’t even look at him as you start packing up your stuff, shoving papers and notebooks into your bag with irritated movement.

Chris stares at you, hurt flickering across his face. “That’s not fair y/n-“ he says , taken aback. “-I’m not hounding you. I’m just trying to help”

You keep your head down, not meeting his eyes as you zip up your bag. You can hear the frustration building in his voice

“-I’ve been watching you study yourself into the ground for days. I don’t even remember the last time you ate or slept properly-“ he says, letting out a sigh. “-all I’ve been trying to do is help, but if you don’t want me to, fine”

You stand up, slinging your bag over your shoulder. “Fine!” you spit, brushing past him toward the door.

He steps aside as you leave, his voice softer this time, tinged with disappointment. “Fine”

~~

Days passed without a word from Chris. You were too consumed by your studying to dwell on the argument, burying yourself in books and notes until your mind feels numb. The exam day finally came, and when you walked out of the hall, there was a weight lifted off your shoulders. It went well, better than you expected.

But now, the following day, nothing is left to distract you. as your curled up on your couch, the argument with Chris floods back into your mind. It’s like a fog lifting, and you realize how badly you handled things. The stress, the pressure—it made you lash out, and now you regret it. You hated how quiet the space was around you, usually filled with Chris’ voice saying something either flirty, outrageous or hilarious.

Just as you’re lost in thought, there’s a knock at the door. You groan, dragging yourself off of the couch making your way to the door.

As you open it, your heart skips a beat. Chris is standing there, a mix of emotions on his face, holding a huge bouquet of your favorite flowers.

“Chris…” you whisper, placing a hand on your chest, overwhelmed by the gesture but also the regret bubbling up inside you.

He smiles softly, almost testing the waters.

“Hey, ma… I uh- heard your exam went really well” he says, holding out the flowers toward you.

You hesitate for a second before reaching out to take them, your fingers grazing the petals as you admire them. A small smile plays on your lips as you look at the flowers, then back up at him. “Nick told you, didn’t he?” you say with a small smile and playful roll of your eyes. Chris chuckles, nodding. “Yeah, he did”

His smile fades a little as he glances down, then back up at you, his expression turning serious. “I’m really proud of you, y’know-” he says quietly. “-and… I’m sorry. About everything. I just wanted to be there for you, and I guess I should’ve given you more space”

You shake your head quickly, guilt tugging at your heart. “No Chris, it’s not your fault. I shouldn’t have pushed you away. I was so stressed, and I took it out on you…I’m sorry”

He steps closer, his eyes softening as he reaches out to tuck a loose strand of hair behind your ear. “I get it. It’s been a rough time for you-“ He sighs, shaking his head slightly. “-I just hated seeing you so stressed. I just wanted to make it better”

You smile up at him, the tension between you melting away. “You always do” you whisper

He comes forward and pulls you into his chest. His familiar scent seeps into you, and for the first time in days, you feel at peace. After a moment, you pull back slightly, looking up at him with a soft smile

“Come inside?”

•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

a/n; thankyou for the request anon!! lyly

- 𝑺𝒂𝒈𝒆 ♡

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[brailsthesmolgurl]

RETRIBUTION

SEQUEL TO DAMNNATION. kindly read the prequel to get a better idea on the story's direction. I know I promised an alternate ending, where angst is not involved, but I want to prolong this pain for you masochists :> Enjoy this long, hefty, and incredibly hurtful read. But, it is okay my lovelies, I shall have a good-comforting parallel-universe ending written for you guys this week. SOOO pls do keep up with my profile :)

The legend goes on, with the God of the Sea failing to protect his beloved. His fate was decided for him by his people, but now, he shall take fate upon his own hands and remake his own endings. But, does fate falter? Even to a God?

Warnings: Angst Angst Angst Angst, Spoiler to Rafayel's Lore and I put in some of my own zesty twists to the lore, Deaths and Bloods and some okay maybe not some descriptive gore.

Rafayel walked across the sandy paths of Lemuria, in his human form, with his beloved laid peacefully in his arms. Rafayel did not even bothered to shift back into his merman form as he wanted to dedicate the mundane's death to his people. Or rather, to show how much he loves her, by being a shadow of her, a human, walking amongst Lemuria. A promise he had always given her.

"You promise to show me Lemuria someday right?" He remembered the way her face would light up when he tells her stories of Lemuria. From how Lemurians had sourced for various kinds of sea stones from different parts of the ocean to build their homes to how Lemurians were created, to what do their daily routines consists of and many other kinds of stories that a man could ever dream of hearing from an actual Lemurian.

There was not a moment that y/n was ever bored of it. Instead, whenever he visits, it naturally became a conversation starter. Y'n would ask him of the most random things. "So do Lemurians possess any gardrobes?" Rafayel nearly spat his tea out, snapping his head towards her when she mentioned about toilets as they were having snacks in the middle of the night within her chambers. "Or perhaps they just do their business wherever they are allowed to---" Before she could even finished, Rafayel would have his hand on her lips, to silence her before she continue ruining his appetite for the rest of the night.

The swipe of his fingers on her pale lips reminded him of those days. She is no longer smiling now, eyes and mouth closed, her skin looked ghoulish under the water, skin reflecting light whenever the lightning above struck the surface of the sea. Rafayel's face is a sheet of calm demeanour, but the soul that lays beneath the hunk of this man is a roaring sea, just like how he summoned for the storm before he stepped foot into the vast ocean.

Fishes and various kinds of sea creatures that used to swim along the pathways are not seen nor found within miles of Rafayel's sight. None of them were brave enough to be within his presence as they knew the aura that Rafayel had emitted. It is no doubt that sea creatures are much smarter than Lemurians. Every step he took made the sea creatures scattered further away, burying deeper into their hideouts, scared for their lives.

Rafayel stood in front of his kingdom, eyes pinned against the marble white towers that he calls home. Cheers and laughters could be heard from the banquet hall, where the Lemurians were probably herded, awaiting for his return for a grand celebration towards the revival of Lemuria. But Rafayel was far from a celebratory mood. "We have arrived, my love." His voice monotonous, no hints of happiness nor giddiness, nor sadness, nor disappointment. Just numbness. A man with feelings bears empathy and sympathy, but, a man without feelings bears emptiness, null and void of all emotions.

He continued his course, holding onto y/n tighter in his arms. He had the initial thought of wanting her body to rest within his chambers before he commits bloodshed. But, having an audience might not be a bad idea. Instead, Rafayel wanted this. He knew that she could not be able to tell nor see, nor to be there to stop him, but he wanted her soul to watch him commit this, to execute damnation upon his kind. All he wanted, was to show her how much he loves her, to the point he is willing to do this, to be a mad man.

The heavy doors leading to the banquet hall slowly opened with a chant of a spell. Rafayel's eyes staring straight ahead, his once two-toned irises had now dissolved to be a dark maroon colour. His guess was right, all of the Lemurians were gathered within this hall, laughters and conversations filled the environment. But, almost abruptly, the laughters and conversations seized, and Rafayel could care less about the whispers that started to take place within the silence.

It did not took long before some of the Lemurians sensed something was off and they started swimming towards the heavy doors. Rafayel chanted something under his breath and the doors slammed right in front of their faces. The ones who tried to escape were shocked, but none of them made their move to question why the God of the Sea had a dead girl with a gaping orifice on her chest within his arms and why did he chose to present himself in a miniature form of a mere mortal. Practically the size of an ant compared to the average 2m Lemurians surrounding him.

"Your highness!" Arvia was initially cheerful, emerging from the crowd before he spotted the girl the God was holding onto. He stopped in his tracks, wanting to turn back before he felt a strong force pulling him towards Rafayel. Arvia faced Rafayel, eyes bulging when the invisible force coiled around his neck. "Your highness.... please!" The young merman coughed, the crowd watching in horror.

"You were the messenger weren't you?" Rafayel asked, eyes looking past the young merman, not even sparing him any last bits of attention.

"I was only...executing...what...was being....told..." The merman replied, his breath getting more restricted by every passing second. "I did...not...know...of...the ceremony. Please...I just want to save---"

"Your highness, no!" A mermaid appeared from the crowd, with blonde hair curling like tendrils on land, hazel eyes staring at the young merman before darting over to Rafayel's figure. She happened to be Arvia's mother. "He did what he have to...To save us all." Her sentence made Rafayel's right eye twitched slightly, fueling the God's wrath even more. "Then," Rafayel turned his head and angled it upwards to stare at her right into her eyes. His dark eyes could quite literally burn a hole through her soul as she finds herself talking back to a God. Not just any God at this moment, for he has taken his stance as a vengeful God. "Should it be justified? That I am only doing this to save my beloved?" Before the mother could even say anything, Rafayel only exhaled his breath and Arvia's head immediately got cut off clean by the invisible force. The head's eyes blinked a couple of times, floating upwards towards the surface, while its body sank onto the sea floor, twitching as it goes down. Blood seeping out into the ocean waters, creating symbols guided by the waves.

Lemurians within the banquet hall went into immediate panic, screaming and screeching, wanting to leave the banquet to save themselves. Rafayel looked up, watching as the Lemurians tried to flee. Like a bunch of fishes trapped within a fisherman's net, pushing against one another and fighting for whatever that is left for their puny lives. His voice was hushed, but clear enough to be heard within the hall. "Don't worry my people, you shall only feel the hurt that I had felt." And all of the screams halted.

...

Amund dragged himself across the sea floor, a trail of blood painted by his very own body fluids. The man was in agonizing pain, nearly to the point of passing out. Just a while ago, he was getting all cozy within his own chambers before he heard loud screams that travelled through the sea rifts. But it did not took long before it stopped so he took no mind to it, figuring it was just another norm for those celebratory parties. Not segregating the mischievious ones from the docile ones, that is just an invitation for a mishap to happen at a party.

He heard a swoosh coming from the side of his house and his door slammed open to reveal the God of the Sea, in his mundane form, covered in splatters of blood from head to toe. Amund's jaw dropped when the screams finally registered into his head. The screams may just be caused by this man standing right in front of him. The very girl Amund had tortured set securely within Rafayel's arms. Rafayel's unusual calm demeanour is not part and parcel of his personality, which further solidified Amund's questions to himself.

"Your high---" Amund was literally smashed through the walls of his house and the merman landed roughly onto the sand pile behind his house. Rafayel walked through the hole, eyes still hollow and face expressionless. "Pleas---" Another slam through another wall. And this repeated for a couple of times, until Amund was laying on the sandy pathway in the village, blood pooling out of his mouth. He tried to escape, pushing himself up and trying his best to get his tail to wag so he could generate enough momentum to give him a boost off of the ocean floor.

"It was a fairly easy instruction." Rafayel spoke, finally. Maroon eyes boring into Amund's skull. "And yet, you failed." Rafayel knelt down, showing Amund the girl he was holding onto the whole time. "You had deeply failed me, Amund. And you had failed Lemuria." Rafayel stood back up on his feet, licking his lips and looking back towards the towers that he had walked out from. "For what you had done to her, death would only be the easy way out for you." Rafayel's eyes turned a darker shade and Amund let out a blood curdled scream, begging for his highness' mercy.

It has been a while, with Amund crawling on the sea floor. Dirt and rubble trapped under the old man's nails. Some of his nails however, were ripped off due to him being tossed around---his failure to hold onto anything to slow down the impact, caused some of his nails to be ripped right off of his fingertips during the impact---with Rafayel's invisible force whenever he tried to plead for the God's mercy.

Rafayel had managed to pluck out the merman's scale, piece by piece. Lemurians scale are used to make lethal weapons not only on land, but also in the waters. Yet, they are the hardest to harvest as pulling off ONE scale would equate to a human ripping off their whole scalp in one go. So, one could only imagine the pain Amund is going through currently. Amund could barely crawl, eyes swollen from the sand that had entered his tear duct and hoarse voices turned into silenced croaks.

If Rafayel was not holding onto his beloved, he would have easily been the one to pluck out Amund's scales one by one. Rafayel's blinding rage had deluded his mind, as he watched the merman who is the reason behind his lover's death. "She was going to be my mate, my lifetime mate, for this upcoming season, do you know that?" Rafayel scoffed, tears stinging at the back of his eyes.

"But you had to just test my patience, and my capabilities as the God of the Sea. Hence, what you had experienced today, shall never equate to the pain you made me go through. For you had taken my fate, my people's fate upon your own hands." He gave Amund a good kick and the guy groaned in agony, facing down as he regurgitated blood. "What I did today, was nothing but a mere taste of what I am capable of. AS A GOD." His last sentence carried a strong surge of disgust, his bloodlust psyche temporarily separated his status between Amund, an ordinary merman and himself, which is made to be a God.

"I curse...curse her." He managed to choke out and Rafayel's eyes widened, immediately leaping forward to grab the merman's head to face him. The merman croaked out his very last laugh, taunting Rafayel's actions and the last sentence of his was spoken in Lemurian, a rendition of a chant to curse y/n to be reincarnated into a sea witch.

Rafayel's blink of an eye sparked his evol, and he stood there, watching the eternal flames that was casted on Amund burn the merman from what was left of him into a pile of dust, waiting to be consumed by the planktons that lives within the sea water's ecosystem. Tears unknowingly flowed down his cheek and trickled onto his lover's face. The show is over and so is his wish to see her to be a mundane again in her next life. Rafayel held her corpse closely and tightly to his body, soft sobs finally leaving his lips as he faltered to the sea floor.

...

Hundreds of years has passed. And hundreds of years, Rafayel had travelled the seas to search for her. To at least sense any signs of her presence. Ever since the massacre, Rafayel was tied down by his own guilt, for not only failing to protect his lover, but also being the sole reason for the extinction of Lemurians. How uncanny, a legend that tells the tale of a God seeking vengeance upon his own kind just because they had killed his one and only lover. That tale would surely be pure nonsensical or would and could possibly generate pure hatred from anyone who hears it.

Rafayel could care less, like how he heard the screams of his people in their very last moments, the sound of blood and tears splattered across the once white and pristine walls that they were confined within. The sound of Amund begging not to be killed---with his throat slowly giving up on him---the last curse that he uttered and the last sounds that had bubbled from him when he was lit up with Rafayel's evol.

A hint of humming caught his ears and the man stopped his movements, ears twitching in directions to catch onto the tune. A tune only he has ever whistled. With a gesture, dolphins came surrounding the God in circles, by command. "Find out the source for me, yeah?" Rafayel asked and the circling dolphins chirped in return before they dispersed into all directions.

Rafayel's heart skipped a beat, out of nervousness? He had no idea, he still has not gotten used to the idea of his heart being whole again. Because his heart has only been whole only when he was with her. He does not need a whole heart, he only needs her to fill in for the whole of his heart. And for that moment, he shall forever await.

One of the dolphins returned, whistling back to catch the God's attention. Rafayel looked up, and without hesitation, grab ahold onto the dolphin's fin and he was led towards the source of the humming. The dolphins brought him through the kelp grounds, where his people would usually come by to forage for food when they migrate to the northern side for warmer waters during the changing in seasons.

The dolphin led him to the side of the cliff, where it plunges down to the deepest part of the ocean. Creatures beneath those waters are indespicable, and no Lemurians had ever dived that deep. And that includes the God of Sea himself. The humming came again, this time further confirming that the source of the sound came from down below. Rafayel turned around to look for the dolphin, but the poor creature had left him all alone the moment it dropped him off here.

With a deep breath and a puff of his chest, the purple haired God swam deep into the dark waters below. All of his senses heightened to the max as he himself would not expect what he might encounter. Legends were told that there lives a sea serpent so huge that it could engulf the whole world if it awakes. And that was the only legend that still kept Rafayel on edge till now.

His fear dissipated almost instantly when he spotted a faint light in the far distance within the dark. You see, Lemurians although are half-fish and half-man, they do not possess infrared vision that allows them to see in the depths. Within the depths, Rafayel's flames do not work as well as this is the place where Gods are not exactly welcomed. He sped up his swimming when he noticed the light bounces further down into the dark. Pause. Then the light comes back up, but this time, at a very high speed.

Noticing a huge shadow, Rafayel turned and immediately started charging full speed towards the cliff again. But due to the darkness of the waters around him, the God found himself entrapped in the darkness, bumping and hitting himself against the cliffside. The bone-crushing, chomping sounds that came from behind him made him not-one-bit curious to see what was actually chasing him. Right when he was about to be gnawed by a creature, he heard a voice calling out in a language he had not heard of and he blacked out.

...

"I think he is waking up." A voice whispered next to Rafayel. "His eyes are fluttering."

"Is it? Oh yeah, he does look like he is awakening." Another voice intruded, deeper, but not enough to be known as a man's voice.

Rafayel slowly opened his eyes, before he was met with two snailfishes. One with a red while another is tinted with a blue hue. His eyes darted in between the two fishes as he was trying to comprehend if they were the ones talking earlier.

"Good morning." The red one spoke and Rafayel gasped, moving away from the fish. His pupils blown out as he was shocked. He has seen fishes all of his life, but he had never encountered talking fishes. EVER. But making spells to make fishes talk is definitely a skill only a sea witch possesses. This gave Rafayel a thought, maybe she felt lonely down here so she made herself some friends.

"You scared him Red." The blue one spoke this time, and it swam closer towards Rafayel, using its spiny fins to mimic how a mundane would usually talk. Gestures, as what was taught to the snailfishes, is a common courtesy of good body language to humans. But given the snailfishes had never been in contact with any humans, they took the closest resemblance to what their highness looked like. Rafayel looked just like a human to them.

With parted hair and two eyes, a nose and a lip. He is obviously a human to their knowledge. "We are not going to hurt you." The blue fish gestured it's small fins in circles, speaking slowly for each word, afraid that the man before it would not understand them. "Our master ask us to care for you as she went out to gather some food."

"Who is your master?" Rafayel asked as he sat up, kindly hoping that it was the girl he had awaited for many years. "Where is she?" His excitement made him winced, his head still hurts, a side effect of a sea witch's spell.

The feel of the water temperature shifting made the two snailfishes swam off to one of the tunnels. Rafayel took this time to observe his surroundings. Contrast to the dark waters he was in just now, he is currently in a cave like structure, with huge seaweeds and some pebbles laid out beneath him and a sea lantern hung up at every corner of the cave to provide some decent lighting. For a moment, he did not believe that he is in a sea witch's abode.

The walls had paints on them, some forming artworks of the seas above, and some were writings written in what Rafayel assumed to be sea witch's language. Rafayel stopped at one of the drawings, it was a rough sketch of Lemuria. Seeing the sketch, his breath hitched in his throat. The past memories of his massacre surfacing again but he forced it down. Not willing to show weakness in such a foreign territory. Below the sketch, there were symbols that Rafayel could not read. But he decided not to further crack his head.

The fishes returned and Rafayel's heart dropped to the bottom of his tail when he was met with her. The girl who he had always been waiting, the girl he had committed massacre for, the girl that had made him suffer with loneliness for the past hundred years. Y/n is now in front of him, but other than human legs, it was swapped with a black and singular long tail, resembling one a Moray eel has. Her once brunette curls took on a much darker shade, the same as the waters below here. The curse happened after all, for she had became the sea witch of the depths.

"You are awake." Y/n spoke and oh how he missed her voice. The voice that produces the best laughters and asked the most silly questions. Yet, with this version of her, her voice held none of those characteristics he remembered. It was deadpanned, the lack of emotions nearly made Rafayel winced. With his lack of a response, the sea witch looked towards both of her friends. "Does he happen to be a mute?"

"He spoke to us just now, but more like engaged us in a question or two." The blue snailfish chirped, swimming back to the side of Rafayel. The same fin that used to make gestures came to give a pat onto Rafayel's cheek and the merman turned to look at the fish in question. Seeing Rafayel's reaction, the fish hurriedly swam back to its master. "He is a human as you described right? Right, master?"

"Not quite, Blue." Ironic, Rafayel thought. It is very ironic of her to name things exactly based on the way they looked. It has always been a habit of hers. She placed the seashells she had harvested neatly onto the floor and she swam over to have a closer look at Rafayel. "I think, his origins are of a mermaid." Her eyes are now a different shade of colour, black irises match the shade of her pupils. Another staple for a sea witch. "I apologise for the black out you had to experience earlier on. I had to cease the Angler Fish from rising towards the surface as I did not want it to disturb the ecosystem as of above."

"Do you know of my name?" Rafayel asked, a glimmer of hope shined in his eyes as he really wished for her to remember at least a slither of memory of him. For he had been her one and only lover in her past life. But with the way she raised an eyebrow and tilted her head, his hope got extinguished like a fire that could not be ignited.

"What do you seek for, Lemurian?" Y/n swam back towards the pile of sea shells she had collected and she grabbed one of the bottles from above her shelf. Examining the shells one by one before placing them into the bottle, only the ones that has spots on them would be chosen while the other would be tossed aside and the two snailfishes seem to be having a feast with the leftovers.

The turn of her head got her to look him right into his eyes. The warm glow emitting from the sea lantern casting a soft glow on her face. Just like the time when he held her in his arms, on top of the rock. He tore his eyes away from her, his cheeks burning from how affected he was from her gaze. But he answered her. "I came here for a potion. A potion to cure me from my wandering heart." ...

It took y/n 100 days, a cycle between 50 days and 50 nights to produce the potion that Rafayel had requested for. Shortly after the interaction, Rafayel had returned back to the shallow seas, as he could not bear to watch the love of his life not knowing him for who he is and who he was to her.

His last words to her before he departed to the shallows was, "Once the potion has been completed, I shall meet you at the sea stacks by dawn. The one far north." He said, index finger pointing towards the said direction. His eyes does not meet hers before he left. That was how heartbroken he was. His heart wearing him down day by day as he waited for the potion to be crafted.

During the 100 days of wait, he kept going back and forth between the waters and land to keep himself occupied. But the land served him better as the mourning of the princess had ended long ago. When the princess went missing, the King sent out every single one of his troops to search for the lost princess.

Rafayel purposely placed her back onto the sea stacks so she could be found easily. Knowing the God, he would have kept her by his side even if she were to be nothing but a bag of bones, but he knew, her people would want to know of her whereabouts. Even if it would only bring them to her corpse. He could not give himself anymore liberty to take her away from her people, like how he had singlehandedly perished the people of his kingdom. He did not turned his head back at all once he had left her there, swimming away in full speed so that he would not be discovered and caught, and to save himself from crying anymore.

The beloved princess' death was mourned by all. Every citizen within the Kingdom's grounds were in tears, regardless if its a man or a woman, an adult or a child. That was how loved she was. Her people mourned for her for nearly five decades, and that was how long Rafayel refused to surface and to walk on land. Every time he closed in to the shores of her kingdom, the sounds of the cries of her people would strike his ears. He became so used to it that he would visit the same place every day, by dusk, just to silently cry and mourn with the people of her kingdom.

He would not even go anywhere near his kingdom either. For it was filled with the bones of his people. The people that he used to cherish, that he would always go back to. But now, all he returns to, is a dead and eerie silence. The bloody stains of his people had now hardened, taken over by sea crustaceans as Lemurian blood offers a lot of benefits to the sea creatures. If any Lemurians lived past that day, Rafayal would definitely earn the title of 'The God Who Went Deranged'.

The day has finally came, where they shall rejoice by the sea stacks. Rafayel was already waiting there since dusk, body floating above the waters, facing up towards the bright skies painted in pastel yellows and reds. Blobs of clouds that seemed so edible Rafayel wished he could fly instead of swim. A bunch of bubbles surfaced next to him and he slightly turned his head, watching as she emerged from the waters, holding two vials in her hand. Her face expressionless and cold as the first time he had met her in this life.

"Here." She handed him one of the vials and he took it, repositioning himself from having to float, to facing her directly. "Are you sure this is what you desire?" Her question caught his attention, his mixture of lilac-lapis orbs stared into her obsidian ones. "Because your memories will be perished forever, do you know that?"

Rafayel looked at the vial, the contents of the fluid is watery, and takes on a sheen of coral-like pink. "My mind is set." His eyes caught her again. "This is what I had desired when I met you that day." His words although does not hold any meaning to the sea witch, but it held meanings that one could never fathom, within the God of Sea's memories.

"This is usually done between two, one to forget while the other to contain the forgotten memories." She explained, holding up the vial to her eye level as she continued. "And since you do not have anyone you want to consume this with, I shall be the one to contain your forgotten memories."

As expected, Rafayel knew she was going to say this. He had never once mentioned anything about the Lemurians being extinct. Neither did she asked. Always putting people ahead of herself, her nature still seeped through from her past life that it has easily become one of her core personalities even till now. Rafayel silently sighed in his own mind when he looked at this woman in front of him. The lover that he had sworn his life to, became the lover that was seemingly a stranger to him.

"We shall consume this together, and with a chant of a spell, hence the void of the memory shall take upon its place." Rafayel pulled the cap open, mirroring her actions and they drank the mixture together. Rafayel winced at how bitter the content tasted but y/n seemed unaffected, as sea witches are not equipped with a sense of taste as most of their potions tasted wicked as their personalities had always been portrayed to be. "Well enough to start?"

"Hu-Ayr-Tey Ta-Fa-Fu-Lei." Rafayel chanted and he watched as y/n's eyes widened. Finally, a reaction from her. Not in the way he had hoped for a reaction of course. You see, Rafayel, being God of the Sea, although had never travelled through the deep waters and had never knew of the Sea Witches' language, but the spells equipped by the sea witches were born out of a God's nature. Should there be benevolence, there shall be malevolence. Just like how Rafayel's massacre is a proof of a God's malevolent nature taking place physically, a sea witch's spells are born out of a God's mentally twisted nature.

"What have you done?!" She held onto her neck, feeling herself struggling to breathe as her neck is closing up on her. "WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!" She raised her voice, looking at him with anger that starts to paint her face a shade of red. "How do you know of this spell?!" She was in disbelief, eyes shooting daggers into the merman in front of her. Rafayel showed no amusement though, his eyes although were entirely focused on her, his heart crushed.

Fate in general, creates thousands and millions of possibilities towards one's ending. For a God, fate should easily be nothing but a just another miniscule issue within their palms. But for Rafayel, the moment he fell for a mundane, was the moment he signed a blackmail for himself. He has to gamble with fate now, just like with any other mere mortal. The only advantage he got is that he could look into the near future to help him better plan out his upcoming course of actions.

This happening now, marks one of his course of actions. The fate he had chosen was to kill y/n with his own hands, so she could be reincarnated to be a human in her next life. Then, he could take place as a man, on the land, seeking for her love and attention, just like how a mere mortal would. Yes. Rafayel, the God of the Sea, would risk his status of being a God just to be a human, just to be with her. "This is the only way." He spoke to her, as he watched her slowly lose her memories to swim, her tail, now a pair of legs, flailing clumsily in an effort to save herself.

The spell that he had uttered, does not only make her forget her own identity, but it makes her forget everything, wiping everything off of her memory and giving her a clean slate. A reincarnated soul would always remember bits of their past lives, that is how deja-vu and realistic dreams come about. But this spell would wipe her memory of her past life as well. As bad as it sounds, Rafayel sees this as the only viable way for him to live his next life, having to protect her. All the other courses of action, would only lead to more bloodshed and he grew tired of it.

The tears came flowing again, watching his beloved struggle to breathe as she started to choke onto the seawater that is rapidly entering her lungs. Rafayel could only watch, he could not interfere as it would ruin the course of her next life. Heart wrenching, gut punching, every other word of torturous feeling would describe him perfectly at this moment.

Y/n reached out her hand to him, desperately looking at him and clawing for him, seeking for his help to drag her out and onto solid land. But his refusal seemingly made her accepted her fate. Her pupils then slowly stopped moving, her body slowly stopped thrashing and twitching as she continued descended deeper into the waters. A scene that reminded him deeply of Arvia during his last moments.

Once the bubbles had stopped surfacing out of her agape lips, Rafayel swam down as fast as he could, and he held her cold body in his arms again, closely studying her very last moments. Her eyes were opened, in a state of shock and acceptance, lips blue like the shade of his lapis-coloured eyes, tail had now taken form into two legs, her body stiff and hollow like how she was when he first found her in the past 100 years. The curse was finally broken, but it also broke Rafayel. With shaky breaths, he uttered. "In your next life, I promise you. I promise. You shall only ever hear of my name as to be Rafayel. I shall no longer...be the God of the Sea."

Parallel Universe Ending is Out: Salvation

I love doubling the damage sometimes, this one-shot had became somewhat of a small series. I enjoyed using a bit of my gore movie visual experiences within this piece of writing. Thank you for the ones who wished for a sequel. I hope this makes you bawl your eyes out.

But do not worry, I am already starting on a not-so-angsty ending that takes place in a parallel universe. I don't think this series would continue on as I think it is best to leave it to you lovelies' vast imagination.

As usual, any requests you want me to write? I can write it for ya :)

Have a good day and pls cry for me lovelies :)

[diorcities]

☆͟ bambi (ldh)

pairing: haechan x afab!reader. genre: smut. wc: 2.8 k

your numb legs scatter on either side of his body, inert.

his face appears in the haze, he is flushed, brows frowned. his moistened eyes consumed by his pupil, dilated. your heart skips a beat at the view. your breath shortens at the sight of him. arms holding his weight on either side of your ribs covered by a film of sweat. just like his chest, rising and falling, erratic. “oh,” he says when he kisses your hand. you seem to tense around him at the simple sound of his voice. “do you like it when i'm sweet to you?” he asks, sinking deeper into you, gummy walls wrapping around his cock. a pleasant warmth has settled in your pussy and a tingling buzz in your belly. yes. yes.

from the moment you met haechan, your body reacted on its own. a force pushed you towards him. his energy captivated you even when you felt chills run down your spine when his eyes landed on you and he smiled mockingly. had you looked so scared that he started laughing?

he was constantly on the prowl. his eyes seemed to find you even before you noticed his presence in the room; even with the fiery feeling in your chest that something was wrong. the sixth sense that was triggered every time your body collided with him, every time your hand brushed against his under the table. were you stupid?

there was some curiosity in you. a caged part that wanted to discover that abstract gloom that ripple behind his stormy eyes. now you wanted to release it every time his lips landed on your exposed neck skin. his canines peeking into a smile before gently biting you. “i want a taste of you.”

armageddon was released in your stomach, and a revolution took place in your chest. haechan laughed. would he know the effect he had on you? would you know too? the way in which he completely paralyzed you, not because his hands imprisoned you against a wall while he kissed you effusively, but because the sensations were overwhelming and there were too many. many, yet not enough. the way his tongue teased yours, and you melted into his passionate mouth.

he used to tease. “are you like this for a kiss?” when the truth was that he was just as catatonic as you. “wait when we do other things.” things. things. you wanted more.

troubled senses and disjointed thoughts wander through your mind as a haze settles in your vision. moist cheeks. half-open mouth. constant blinking. “look at you.” you can't even follow the thread of his words as he slowly penetrates you, rudely tapping his pelvis against you calmly, “taking this cock so well, mmm?” your hands go to his cheeks, but you're not sure you're controlling them; all this has you in a state of lethargy. in an astral projection. your emotions react to him, the way he floats above you, the way he slides inside you without giving you a break. you have suddenly lost your voice. your body no longer feels yours. it's his.

“do you like me to be sweet, pretty girl?” the pleasant feeling of being in space, while fucking you patiently does not allow you to respond, “do you like to be praised?” it's impossible when all you can think about is his cock inside you, expanding you for him, and the way his arms tighten under silk, tanned skin when you touch them, how he tries to look serene even when you know he's on the edge of the abyss, with you. taking the time with his leisurely thrusts, his constant pounding, until he crushes you completely. until you become a meaningless jumble.

his breath messes up some strands stuck on your forehead by sweat when he brings your face closer. “so fucked?” he asks before joining his mouth to yours. he kisses you at the same compass of his movements, taking advantage of the fact that you correspond to the gesture to grind himself against you. your legs twist from the sensation you get when you stimulate his shaft against your nerve endings. a whiplash runs through you and makes your hair stand on end. “hae.” you're drunk with pleasure, and even then, the only thing you can think about is his name, all the time.

your hands are wrapped between his and placed at the height of your head, squeezing gently as his face is lost in your neck, increasing the intensity of his hips crashing against yours. panting leaves your lips. “i'm fucking you dumb, mmm? my smart girl has nothing to say.” your eyes go to the back of your head when it's unbearable and overwhelming. the way he penetrates you with rhythmic beats that makes you sigh with fascination, enraptured and numb. absorbent thrusts and enveloping movements that cause a knot to tighten and a moan to come out of your lips. “you feel so good, doll. shit, you squeeze so tightly.” you've lost count of the times you've come on his cock. haechan doesn't seem to want to stop for a while, and you feel like a wave of delight assaults you at knowing how good the previous ones were. how he knows exactly how to make you feel good.

haechan knows you perfectly. the way you stir under him, and your breath is short; the way your walls pulse rhythmically around him, he knows you are about to explode. “i know, i know.” his hands leave yours for short seconds to pass them under your thighs and raise your legs on his shoulders. his cock is now pressed into the swollen area of your core, and you think you will enter limbo at any moment, “my pretty pillow princess wants to cum?” he asks, pinning you down as he glides easily in and out of you. your eyes close when the knot intensifies. a fire invades you and expands from there to your stomach, a pleasant pain overwhelms you, and suddenly you feel that you need to go to the bathroom. “hae...” the sensation intensifies with each thrust. hearing the slapping sounds of your wet pussy every time he slides his cock, every time he pounds as your pussy clenches and narrows around his thick length.

you're completely out of your mind. blurry and dizzy. feeling his grip on one of your legs and the other one on your hand like an anchor, so you don't be propelled towards the limbo. a strangled gasp leaves your mouth when your body sinks into the sedative effect of his thrusts, entranced by the way he moans as the knot in your stomach releases and drags you into semi-consciousness. your heart thumps erratically as the white sensation takes over your senses and leaves you in a catalytic state. pussy throbbing and numb legs trembling in his grip. haechan laughs in a snort, on the verge of collapsing if you keep looking like this while he fucks you. “why you cry, pretty girl?,” he asks with bated breath. your eyes have not opened again and your muscles seem to have shut down “aren't you enjoying this?” he lets go of your legs that fall on either side of his body, spread open with him in the middle, still buried inside, feeling the sensation of your high on his aching cock. feeling you jolting every time he plowed his dick into you, sensing the way your swollen walls pressed his length.

he has stopped a couple of times to watch as your body falls inert back to bed, tits bouncing and belly trembling every time he extinguishes the friction of your pelvis. feeling him still inside you while drinking the view of your naked body covered in sweat. receiving no reaction other than your hand always looking for him, wrapping your fingers in his forearm while you breathe heavily before he passes his arms under your lower back and raises you slightly so that your pelvis is suspended right where he wants while your back is laid on the mattress.

your sore legs pressed together above the knee as haechan resumes and increase his moves, hitting your sweet spot that sends signals to your senses and manages to bring you out of lethargy. your hands clench into fists on your belly, feeling his pelvis's constant pounding without respite or mercy. collapsing on the mud surface of the bed feeling your legs tremble. your hand reaches his stomach for a break, retrieving your voice to call for his name in a pant and plaintive moan.

he finds it funny that you can't string your words together, repeating his name in that tone that makes his cock twitch. “i thought you want me to fuck you until my cum starts to drip from you,” he recalls your bold moment from hours ago, now you're overstimulated and ruined, losing count of how many times you had cum. feeling now and then his precum mix with your arousal. “you feel so creamy right now.” he affirms your suspicions, hearing the lewd sound of his cock each time he burrows it in and slides it out.

your head lolls back when you feel him pushing deeper, pressing your rubbery walls and the swollen spot of your core. your hips react on their own when his arms take you back by the lower back, pulling you towards him; he has not gone unnoticed the way your eyes closed tightly with this position that limits his thrust to shorter and more precise ones, allowing him to press his shaft with your sensitive folds. an overwhelming feeling settles in your head, spinning.

hands making fist the sheets under your bodies due to his tip constantly pressing that hidden spot inside you, filling more and more the pool of pleasure you had emptied. feeling the straining sensation of your core releasing waves of electricity into the rest of your body. haechan speeds up the rhythmic pace of his movements, filling the room with his lascivious sounds, overflowing your senses, and clouding your mind. “don't stop.” your eyes open through the mist that blurs your tear-filled eyes from the euphoria he makes you feel, and your wet, swollen lips moan his name as your hands wrap around his waist, burying your nails in the smooth tanned skin, “p-please, don-stop.” his movements become erratic and desperate, lowering the intensity of his strokes and becoming slower and rougher.

your body is dropped onto the mattress by him before he leans over you without wasting time. grunts leave his lips with each thrust, feeling his cock being sucked into your pulsating pussy, feeling you tighten along his length as he feels his cock being stimulated by your rubbery walls.

he can crush you into a mindless jumble of limbs. he knows he can make you feel good, and make you cry from how stimulated you are. he can last for hours. you know it. he knows it. haechan possesses self-control and stamina. but when you look at him, panting from those beautiful lips of yours and tearing through the haze that settles in your mind, furrowing your eyebrows due to the blow of sensations that overwhelms you when you start pulsating again, he can't take it anymore. a guttural moan leaves his lips as his body convulses slightly, eventually releasing his load inside. his warm seed makes your body shrink slightly, feeling it fill you with small spasms.

haechan slumps over his arms on either side of your body, and his hair tickles your cheeks when you hug him by the shoulders, feeling him emptying inside you. the lower part of his body suffers shivers as he milks his semen on you, which begins to gush out of your destroyed pussy.

the splash of his warm seed leaks out of you, and when he glides out his cock, the sucking sound accompanies it. the sweet satisfaction of your climax lulls you to sleep and makes you drowsy. you can barely kiss haechan back before he turns away from you and sees the wet, sticky mess on your pussy. a shot of bliss washes him at the thought of you being almost unconscious for him. he must fucked you good.

“don't fall asleep yet, bambi,” he says, on the other side of your dreams. you feel him positioning between your legs, caressing the skin of your inner thighs while he kisses your neck. the motion of his hands wakes you up from your reverie. “go clean yourself first,” he presses, using his hands to lift you up so now you're sitting on his bed. a dizziness suddenly attacks you, and you feel so weak that haechan finds it funny, yet his voice is so soft and tender when he talks, that he seems endearing, more that mocking. putting his shirt on you, he adds “go, go,” encouragingly, as you put both feet on the cold floor.

your legs feel leaden as you put your weight on them when you stand up. one step forward and before you can register it, your legs fail and you stumble before collapsing on the ground. your neck feels like it's going to combust at any second as you notice the warmth that overwhelms when you knowing he's looking. and now everything fits. this is but a demonstration of what he has done. of the mess he has made in you.

“go on, bambi. walk a little more.”

[upon-a-starry-night]

There's this idea in my head that's causing real brain rot. So that one time, when Connor and Hank are on the rooftop, and he almost kills Hank? Can I request something like that, but with an f! reader? Maybe f! reader is on the deviant's side, and Amanda has already taken over, as a result, fight ensues. Major hurt/comfort. You choose how this ends. Thank you in advance 😭

Connor Rk800 x Gender Neutral Reader!

DBH Masterlist Main Masterlist

Word count: 2.5k

Warnings: Hurt/comfort, angst, minor violence

A/n: I always thought Connor should’ve had another chance to become deviant at this rooftop scene so this is the perfect opportunity to write it! I hope you enjoy!

-

The night air is cold as you step out onto the roof, a distant alarm blaring as it fights to be heard against the harsh wind. 

You flinch and pull your coat tighter, watching your breath fog out in front of you, snow scattering in every direction. It’s a night you’d rather be spending in the warmth of your home, curled up with a good book and good company. Unfortunately, your good company chose to go bad cop on you and now you’re out here trying to get him back.

You can already feel your fingers growing numb and you regret not bringing gloves up here with you. As if life being a detective wasn’t hard enough.

You squint at the light illuminating from the giant Android billboard and instead focus your gaze on the figure near the edge of the roof. It’s the last place you want to see him right now. On this roof- on the wrong side of history. Making a mistake you know he’ll regret.

It’s all you can do to hope you’ll be able to convince him to come back. 

You don’t know what happened. One day he’s kind and funny and even a little flirty and the next he’s cold and calculating. Had he just been pretending the whole time? Did he tell you all those sweet things just to eliminate you as a threat to his mission? 

Whatever the reason, even if he was faking it with you you weren’t faking it with him. Over the past few months, you’ve formed a genuine connection with Connor. A connection you thought was more than just partners working on the same case. 

You think back to all those late nights Connor stayed up with you as you wrote your reports, cracking jokes so the police precinct felt a little less cold and dim. The time he helped you move your furniture after your previous apartment almost got broken into. The little moments where he’d walk you to your car no matter the time, or go out of his way to pick you up a coffee.

That couldn’t have been fake, right? Nobody went through that much effort just to make sure you were friends. It was because of the way he treated you and cared for you that you found yourself in love with him in the first place.

You sucked in a sharp breath and shook that thought from your head. You’d only just realized it last night. You’d planned to tell him today but something about him was different, he didn’t look at you the same way, though his body still lingered near yours. Then you’d gotten the call this evening about where he was headed and you knew you had to stop him.

The Connor you knew wouldn’t do this. But maybe the Connor you knew wasn’t real…

“You don’t want to do this Connor” He doesn’t even flinch at your voice. He probably heard you from the second you got there and was just waiting for you to say something. 

Perhaps that was a sign? Your Connor was always polite with you.

“You shouldn’t be here, Detective.” His voice bites at you with more coldness than the night air and it makes your heart sting. It’s a tone you’ve only ever heard him use with suspects or Gavin. Even when you first met and he seemed devoid of emotion his voice was warm, friendly. What happened?

Was it something you had done? Something you said that gave away your feelings about him? He was built to read body language and pick up on subtle clues after all. Had he known even before you? Was he disgusted by you? That a human like you could fall so easily for an Android?

He shifts the position of his gun, getting a better shot on Marcus and you take another step forward, if you could just reach him then maybe-

“You won’t stop me from accomplishing my mission.” Him and his stupid mission. It’s all he ever used to talk about before he started being open with you. You thought you’d become more important than his mission. Guess not.

“What mission Connor? What? You think you shoot this guy and it’s all over? The whole rebellion falls down? Is that it?” You scoff, shoving your hands into your coat pockets to try and garner some warmth. “You shoot Marcus, someone else will just take his place. Do you really want to spend your life hunting down Androids until you’re the only one left with a soul?”

He doesn't speak but you see the way he squeezes the gun tighter, your words clearly having an internal impact. 

“Come home Connor,” You say it out of instinct, your home had become a shared space with Connor, a place he knew you’d always welcome him into. “We can find a good movie and-”

“And what? Huh? Sit there and pretend like we could be anything other than a human and a machine?” His words cut deep, slicing your heart open and revealing all the ugly fears that had been festering in your brain. The urge to throw up fills your stomach but you push the feeling down.

What Connor thought you could or couldn’t be didn’t matter right now. Even if it hurt, you had to make sure you stopped him no matter what.

He places his finger on the trigger and you know you have to resort to the last thing you wanted to do. The last thing you thought you’d ever do to Connor. You pull out your gun and aim it at his back. Emotions well up in your throat as tears threaten to break free

“Get away from the ledge” You wish he couldn’t hear how your voice trembles but you know he does. You don’t know if you have the gall to shoot him and he knows that. Still, he stands up and turns around to face you anyway.

It’s the worst sight in the world- the image of him in front of the barrel of your gun. His eyes are cold and unrecognizable, and you take note of the fact that he doesn’t drop his gun. A strong breeze roars through and you shiver, watching the wind ruffle his hair.

The same hair he used to let you brush your fingers through as you spent hours talking on your couch. His head in your lap, his eyes closed, his LED spinning blue, and a content smile on his face. You remember wanting to take a picture of how cute he looked then, just like a happy puppy. 

Oh, how things change. 

Your hand shakes as you hold the gun, maybe from the cold, maybe from the anguish, probably from both. 

“Go home detective. It’s not my mission to kill you but this is none of your business” You nearly flinch at the word ‘kill’ but manage to hold your resolve. You couldn’t show weakness in front of this version of Connor.

You scoff, “None of my business? You call you killing an innocent man none of my business?”

“It’s not a man. It’s a machine-”

“He has a family! He has people who care about him and depend on him! He has a partner and friends! Like you and I were-”

“We weren’t anything but coworkers Detective. If you thought we were more, you were mistaken.” He cuts you off with the words you feared to hear more than anything. Words he promised you he’d never say when he told you “I’ll always be here for you detective” with that stupid sunny smile of his.

Wiping a tear with your shoulder, you shake your head as you try to get a read on him.

”you don’t mean that”

“I think I do” He tilts his head, in a way you always found cute but now just find menacing. 

“I can’t let you kill that man Connor” You tighten your hold on your gun and he narrows his eyes, sizing up whether or not he thinks you’ll shoot before going to put his gun down.

Your body relaxes slightly only to be met with the full force of his gun being thrown at you. You try to block it but it crashes into your arm, causing you to hiss out in pain. In the next second Connor is coming at you, disarming your gun and throwing it across the roof. 

You try to throw a punch but he swiftly blocks it, grabbing hold of your shoulder and throwing you to the ground. The impact is harsh and the cold only makes it worse. You can already feel the nasty bruise it’s going to leave but you don’t allow yourself time to dwell on it.

Grabbing a metal grate from nearby you launch it at Connor and use it as a moment of distraction, rushing towards your gun near the ledge of the roof with Connor hot on your heels.

Connor sweeps your legs from under you as you’re inches from the gun, sending you crashing to the ground in a fall that stings your palms. At least it helped that your hands were practically numb from the cold. 

Army crawling as hurriedly as you can, you manage to swipe your gun as it teeters precariously off the edge of the roof. In a motion that sends pain through your injured shoulder, you manage to flip onto your back and point your gun at Connor just as he stands directly over you. 

For a brief second, you can’t help but think that Connor was taking it easy on you, but then he smirks like an asshole and your flame of hope dies out

“You really gonna shoot me, detective?” The cocky disbelief in his eyes is the most emotion you’ve seen from him all day and in a moment of weakness, you hesitate because you’ve seen that look when Gavin throws his fits about Androids or when the other detectives think they can do his job better than him. Cocky was an emotion Connor didn’t often show but it always made you laugh.

He takes advantage of your moment of hesitation, twisting your gun from your hands and throwing it off the roof. It lands with a solid ‘clack’ in the snow below. You try to sweep his feet but he blocks your legs with his arm, grabbing them and pushing them to the ground. He reaches down and grabs you by the collar of your sweater, angling you so that you're dangling over a fall that would definitely kill and for the first time, you truly feel scared of Connor.

You struggle in his grip to no avail, eventually giving up as you stare into his eyes for what might be the last time. You feel tired and angry and heartbroken and you don’t have the energy to fight him anymore. You let the wind rage around you as you hold out your arms, daring him to drop you.

“Moment of truth Connor…what are you gonna do?” You struggle to catch your breath as his LED violently flashes red. “You gonna kill me for trying to be a good friend?” You wait for anything to happen, for him to throw you off the roof or respond but all he does is stand there staring blankly. His LED goes crazy, flashing from red to blue to yellow and back again, like he’s having some sort of internal struggle. 

His grip on you seems to loosen a bit and you inhale sharply “C-Connor” You cry out desperately and he gasps, his grip tightening as he pulls you into his body and clings tightly to you. He takes a few steps back from the roof, forcing your body to move with his as he brings you both back to safety.

His arms wrap around you in a tight embrace and you’re unsure what to feel until you hear his pained voice

“I’m sorry.” It’s more raw than you’ve ever heard it before and soon enough tears are streaming down your face as your arms reciprocate his hold. His hands clench tighter to your jacket at the sound of your sobs. “I’m so sorry i-” His voice breaks off and his chest starts shaking and you look up to see tears streaming down his face.

You’d never seen him cry before, you didn’t even know he was capable of it- and from the looks of it neither did he.

“A-amanda- she took control and I couldn’t-” His eyes refuse to focus on you, staring at the swirling snow behind you, so you release one arm to cup his face and bring his gaze down to yours. “I tried to kill you” He looks absolutely heartbroken at what he’s done and he quickly begins to scan you for injuries. His hands coming up to cup your jaw and tilt your face this way and that.

You manage a smile through your tears as you realize you have your Connor back. Relishing the gentle way he holds your face and the concern that never leaves his eyes as he looks over you. 

“No harm no foul” You attempt a joke and Connor’s lips quirk up for the briefest moment before his gaze zeros in on your shoulder and he frowns

“I hurt you” You pursed your lips, unable to deny that fact but not wanting to ruin the moment. Reaching up, you wipe the tears from his cheeks with a gentle hand, watching as he leans into your touch.

“It’ll heal.” You tell him instead, just happy to be bruised and safe rather than dead. “What happened back there?” He looks like he wants to say more about your injury but after reading the look in your eyes he drops it.

“ I broke free. I was stuck in this frozen garden for so long. I couldn’t control my own body or words but then I heard your voice and I had to save you” You lay your head on his chest once more, feeling the steady flow of Thirium pumping through his body, the cold long forgotten from your mind.

He rests his chin upon your head, pulling you into a hug once again. 

“You’re more important to me than any mission.” His voice trembles and it takes everything in you not to start crying again “I didn’t mean any of it- those awful things I said, I didn’t mean any of them… I Love you, Detective”

Your gaze snaps to Connors, a wide smile and a light blue blush dusting his cheeks. Those three words- three words ten minutes ago you were sure you’d never heard from him. You had to make sure you hadn’t misheard him 

“What?” your heart pounded in your chest

“I said I love you, detective” This was really happening. Connor loved you back. You couldn’t help the tears that fell at the genuine emotion in his voice.

“I love you too, Connor” A delighted laugh escapes you as you pull him in for a kiss, soft cold lips meeting yours. Sure this wasn’t your ideal confession but with Connor, nothing ever went as planned, and that was perfectly fine with you “Now let’s go home, it’s freezing up here”

-

A/n: peep me watching the roof scene over and over to get this right (and also just to admire Connor) ~ Starry

[word-wytch]

Don't Stand So Close To Me — Chapter 15

Eddie x Teacher!Reader

Chapter 15/? 10k. Series Masterlist

✏︎ The aftermath of a kiss makes thoughts come alive — both desires and fears. 

✏︎ Series Summary: Forced to move back home to Hawkins after your fiancé cheats on you, you begin to fall in love again with an audacious 20 year old metalhead, only there’s one problem — he’s still in high school and you’re his English teacher.

While you struggle starting over in a place you never thought you would return, Eddie struggles feeling stuck in a place he can’t manage to leave — until you offer to help him. Of all the lessons learned, the most important are the ones you teach each other.

✏︎ Series CW: forbidden romance, slow burn, true love, smut (18+ mdni), internal conflict, student-teacher relationship, 10 year age gap, mutual pining, sexual tension, emotions, drama, angst, character development, happy ending :)

✏︎ Chapter CW: smut 18+ (imagined oral f!receiving, piv, creampie), cumming in pants, angst

Wednesday, December 11th 1985

The flag was whipping in the wind. Towering above the parking lot in a blur of red, white, and blue, it cracked against the pale grey sky. 

Meeting your eyes in the rearview mirror, you checked for any obvious signs of guilt. The harsh morning light made it clear what you’d missed in your haste to leave. You thought you had gotten it all, but the mascara resting in the lines beneath your eyes said otherwise. Truthfully, washing your face had been the last thing on your mind when you stumbled home after midnight, and it was clear you needed more than the five minutes you allotted this morning in front of the sink. After sleeping through your alarm, it was a miracle you were here at all. Swiping your knuckles across the bags under your eyes, you figured that would have to do.

With a final, bracing sigh, you opened the door and slumped into the freezing cold. Slamming the door, you marched across the snow-dusted pavement and hiked the heavy leather strap onto your shoulder. Students scattered around you with bright colored backpacks, rushing from their cars toward the squat, concrete building that loomed on the horizon. Eyes steeled on the glass doors ahead, you swallowed a sickness rising up from the pit of your stomach. Pebbles crunched under your boots as you dodged glances, offering little more than a timid smile and a raise of your hand at the greetings hurled your way. 

Pulling open the chilled metal handle, that school smell—indescribable yet unmistakable—gusted hotly over your numb cheeks. The office was abuzz with shrill ringing phones and gently chiding voices. Eyes glued to the long, grey weather mat below, you approached the clock-in station.

“Good morning!” the receptionist greeted cheerfully at the back of your head. 

“Morning, Judy,” you offered weakly, selecting your punch card from its wooden slot on the wall. With a shaking hand, you slotted the index card into the machine, lining it up with this week’s row of black-inked numbers. It snapped to life, stamping today’s date in a crooked line beneath the rest. 

Tucking your thumb under the strap, you trudged along your usual path, raising your eyes just enough to see where you were going. Fluorescents danced over the polished tile, over the shimmering salt-stained boot marks and stray pebbles you were suddenly so captivated by. Past the glass trophy cases, inside the cafeteria, you crossed the row of principal portraits from years prior outside the teachers lounge. It was difficult to look at them today, the judgement painted so clearly on their features from inside their thick, ornate frames. Their eyes seemed to follow you as you passed. Dodging their scorn, you ducked inside the door.

Your soles met the padding of the threadbare carpet, marching toward the one thing you truly depended on, stationed at its post on the end of the long, veneer table — the coffee machine. The room was spinning with activity, a bustle of chatter you hoped you could hide in. Most were on their way out, making small talk and gathering belongings from their seats at the round tables. Your skirt swished forward as you halted before the machine, tapping the cuff of your tall boots. Grabbing a mug from the stack, you filled it with haste.

You wondered if anyone could smell it on you — the cigarette smoke that clung to your coat. Shrinking down into your turtleneck, you sidestepped to return the pot to the warmer. 

“Good morning,” stated a voice behind you with cold professionalism. 

The plastic slipped in your hand, coffee hissing against the metal plate as you fumbled it into place. “Principal Higgins! H-hi—good morning!” 

She always terrified you, even as a student here. Even before last night. Standing all of about four foot ten, her stern, nun-like demeanor and white cloud of hair remained consistent with your memory, as if she had reached a point in her aging where she just plateaued.

“How are you?” she asked. Not as though she really cared, just as something polite to say.

Whipping around as the blood drained from your face, you addressed her. “Good! I’m good. Just getting things wrapped up for the semester. You know how it is.” 

She nodded curtly. “Glad to hear,” she answered, though nothing about her expression seemed glad.  It never did. You thought you saw her smile once in September, but it could have been a trick of the light. Smiling weakly at the floor, you dipped around her and shuffled toward the open milk carton. The air was thick and stuffy, filling your lungs in shallow draws. Peeling back the soggy cardboard, you swallowed your hammering pulse. 

“Hey stranger,” Diane greeted warmly, grabbing a mug from beside you. “You ready for winter break yet?” 

Fixed on the coffee as the milk swirled like smoke, you couldn’t find the courage to meet her eyes. “I’ve been ready since October,” you admitted through a strained chuckle.

Diane tipped her head back, laughing into the fluorescents. “Oh man I feel ya, I’ve been counting down the days myself.” Steam rose from her mug as she filled it.

There must have been a sign on your back. Something like kick me. A bump from behind had you lurching into the table, sloshing coffee over the rim. Snapping your head over your shoulder, you glared at the culprit. 

“Jeez it’s crowded in here,” muttered Ms. O’Donnell as she lumbered over to the coffee machine. “Everyone mingling like a flock of hens, you’d think we’d all have places to be by now.”

With a sharp sigh, you grabbed a handful of flimsy napkins from beside the sugar. Diane glanced in brief annoyance before reaching through your line of sight for the milk carton. “So, did you catch Cheers last night?”

You froze, heat creeping up the collar of your coat as the coffee bled through the paper. Images of sweating glasses on cocktail napkins and plush lips clouded your vision as you blotted up the mess with a trembling hand. “No I uh, turned in early I’m afraid.” Your stomach curdled with the lie.

“Aww, well you’ll have to catch it on re-run because it was a good one. I won’t spoil anything,” Diane said, bringing the mug to her lips as she leaned against the table. 

Grabbing the handful of warm, soggy napkins, you pivoted to toss them in the trash. Finally, she caught you with her eyes. Rich umber, deep with caring and kindness, captive for anyone who needed a good listener, for you on so many occasions. Diane was good like a cashmere cardigan, like a box of tissues passed across a desk. Your eyes met the floor again quickly, heat rising in your face. You shuddered to imagine what she’d think if she knew. 

The room became a blur of scooting chairs, of vending machines whirring, of crackers and candy dropping into the bins below. Metal flaps whined and slammed as hands reached in to grab them. It was closing in on you — the copy machine ink wafting warmly across the room as it spat out stacks of tests, the hole punchers clicking and binders snapping open to devour papers with their jagged maws. You stood there in the middle of it all, spinning like you’d stepped out of a carnival ride.

Diane leaned closer, eyes narrowing. “You ok?”

Blinking rapidly, you snapped back to attention. “Yeah—yeah I’m fine.” 

Folding her arms across her sweater, she knit her brows in disbelief. As the school counselor, it was her job to see through bullshit, and she was good at her job. Before she could comment, the bell had your stomach lurching. “I have to go,” you said with as much of a casual farce as you could muster. “I’ll see you later.” You grabbed your mug, shielding your face with it as you sipped off the top before vanishing into the hallway.

-

The AV cart was heavy despite its wheels. Avoiding your tired reflection in the glass of the large television, you braced the metal frame and peered around it, marching carefully down the crowded hallway. At least you had something to hide behind now. 

There were footsteps all around you, weaving to accommodate the metal mass as you trudged slowly forward. What became unignorable was the set behind you, shuffling down the hall at an increasing speed, growing louder as they neared. Eddie halted just behind your shoulder, bumping it slightly in his haste. “Hey,” he breathed in your ear, curls tickling your cheek.

Sucking in a breath, you whipped your head around to meet his crinkling eyes. If he had a tail, he would be wagging it. “Eddie,” you hissed. “Get—” you elbowed him away, heart pounding into your temples as a hundred eyes passed by around you. 

He didn’t seem phased. Hovering at an uncomfortable proximity, his focus stayed glued to you as if the rest of the world had fallen away. “Here,” he offered, reaching over to take the reins. The meat of his palms grazed your knuckles; warm and pliant like you remembered them. 

“I’ve got it,” you insisted, gaze dutifully forward, gripping the metal frame firmly.

“Come on, let me help,” he muttered, leather forearms insisting against yours as he tugged the cart in his direction.

Face fully on fire now, you released your grip, repelling with a twinge of remorse from the solid contact of his shoulder. Head darting left and right, you scouted for faculty, keeping a steady pace beside him. Not so close as to draw suspicion, but close enough to feel his magnetism prickle your awareness. His fingers pinked under his rings, knuckles white in his grip as the strong angles of his hands kept the cart from veering. “It’s um—” Eddie started, dipping his head toward your ear again, “good to see you again,” he uttered with a fervency that could have evaporated you.

“Happy Wednesday!” chimed Ms. Click as she waved you down from outside her door. 

The blood drained from your face. Raising a trembling hand, you returned a weak smile before locking your vision on the end of the hall. It was closing in again; the lockers, the voices, the squeaking of wet boots against the tile. There was the potent scent of cigarettes, fresh on his hair like the snowflakes that clung to his curls. They were melting, dripping down his wild ringlets onto his shoulders with every step. It was beautiful, the way they bounced and swayed in the wind as he walked. The way the droplets settled in the wrinkles of his leather coat. The way it tapered toward his narrow waist. As he braced the cart, you selfishly admired the angles of his shoulders — broad and capable. Selfishly, you wondered what else they could accomplish, how they would feel, bare under your palms. Crossing your arms coyly over your turtleneck, you snatched your mind from the gutter.

Eddie lolled his head toward you, peering under heavy lids. His smile was lazy and generous, brimming with boyish glee. “God you look pretty today,” he sighed. Your uterus beat your stomach to a backflip. 

Halting outside the door to your classroom, you turned to face him. “Eddie, we can’t—” your desert mouth hung open as those soft umber eyes ushered your words into the din.

“I’m allowed to talk to you,” he asserted, shifting to the fullness of his height as he dropped his hands from the cart. 

“Not like that. Not here,” you corrected, just above a whisper. 

Brow lowering, he swiped his coat aside to access his hip, resting his hand above the chain that dripped toward his thigh. It was suffocating — the heat from his gaze, from your turtleneck, from the thoughts hammering like pinballs against the inside of your skull. 

“Listen, I just…” you swallowed, “it’s just—” you glanced around, meeting the waves and bright hellos that passed through your door with a vacant smile before lowering your voice, “—hard to be back here today.”

Eddie tipped his head forward, shifting on the balls of his feet with a subtle nod. “Yeah. Yeah, it is.”

You huffed through your nose, eyes pleading with him as you shrank toward your door.

“I’ll see you later,” he promised, drifting in by an invisible tether with every inch you moved away. 

“Yeah.” Your exhale was heavy, lingering in his gaze for an aching second before ducking through the threshold. 

______

The static from the television prickled your forehead as you rewound the tape, fussing with the buttons on the VHS player seated on the shelf below it. The screen fizzled grey as as your fourth period class filed in, shuffling feet and relieved exclamations echoing behind you as they passed.

You could have left it alone and walked away, but you would take any excuse not to face them today. Leaning against the cart as you stared into the crackling static, that telltale scent wafted in on the air, tugging at memories of smoke rings and stage lights, filling you with equal parts dread and aching familiarity. You could see his silhouette out of the corner of your eye; tall and dark with a halo of frizz, boots heavy against the tile as he approached you. Swallowing your rising pulse, you couldn’t help but indulge for a second, shifting just enough to catch the soft pink of his smirk before his shoulder nudged yours in passing. Desks squeaked against the floor behind you, yielding to the weight of twenty students as they filled the five tidy rows. When the bell finally rang, you shut the door and mustered the courage to address them.

None of your classes were studying To Kill A Mockingbird. Irrelevant as it was to your lessons, you would excuse it to all of them by citing it as a great example of storytelling. Weak, but it was the best you could come up with on such short notice. You doubted anyone cared, they all seemed just as relieved as you were for a break from the fluorescents. 

You flicked off the lights and pressed play on the VCR. The room was bathed in white and blue as the opening credits rolled, and you took your place behind the big desk. Propping your head wearily against your hand, you stared down at the sea of white below you. Eyes unfocused, black ink and graphite chicken scratch blurred together as a different film played out behind them. 

The set was dramatically lit; a spotlight of interrogation that beamed down on your small chair facing Martha Higgins’ desk. The props were hyper-realistic; files she flipped through with her spindly, arthritic fingers containing your teaching license and contract for the year. The prominent lines on her forehead were growing increasingly severe as she considered the delivery of your inevitable punishment. 

A jungle of items framed the papers that sprawled across your real desk — the spider plant Susan had given you when the leaves were beginning to blush with oranges and reds, the stapler you’d had since college, the mug with a quill printed on it which now held your pens. You wondered what it would feel like to pack them all into a banker box in the middle of a winter afternoon. To lug it down the hallway, dodging the scorn of your former colleagues. With a heavy sigh, you buried your spinning head in your hand.

Eddie was seated as he always was, cheek pressed to his knuckles as he watched you from his corner of the room. A straight shot toward your desk in front of him, he gazed with reverence as the white light from the television bathed your one exposed cheekbone in a holy glow. Picking at the chipped veneer on the desk with his restless thumb, he recounted the feeling of it in his hands. The angle of your jaw, the notch where it met below your ear, the soft skin of your throat that hummed beneath the pads of his frozen digits, warming them to life with every swell and swallow as his mouth enveloped yours. He’d played it over and over the whole drive home, every moment since he’d opened his eyes this morning, convincing himself with every replay that it wasn’t a dream. 

He’d gotten a taste. Not enough to satisfy him — the opposite really. Like first bites often did, it only brought awareness to his hunger. The light played softly on your stiffened jaw. How he ached soothe it with his lips again, to feel the hard bone under supple skin, to hear and taste your sighs again; more moving than any music he’d ever heard. 

The darkness gave quiet permission for his mind to play a film of its own. In this one, the room would be the same. Just as dark but empty, save for you and him. He would scale the isle in five swift steps. Lifting your worried chin with his knuckle, he would draw you to the fullness of your height, capture your body in his arms and pull you into a searing kiss. He knew what it felt like now, and that only fueled his wild imagination. He knew you’d melt like putty, let him be the only thing holding you together, keeping you from falling to the floor with the strength of his arms around your soft cotton waist. 

He had memorized the shape of your lips, how slick with hunger they were as they slipped against his. Your hums would be quiet here, timid and shy as you glanced over his shoulder toward the door with worried eyes. On this set there were no real hallways, no extras making noise or slamming lockers. Nothing in the script suggesting an interruption, only the pretend risk that made a thrill rise in him like the tent in his jeans. The way you would shyly toy with the pins on his vest, insisting that “we shouldn’t,” and “it’s just not right.”

You wouldn’t protest for long, not in this script. Not when his teeth found your neck again, dipping down below the collar of your turtleneck. It was a nuisance really, nothing but a sponge for his spit as his tongue soothed over where his teeth left off. You would be needing it later because he would leave a mark this time. Several, tasting every moan you offered as he sucked bruises onto your delicate skin. He hadn’t tasted nearly enough of you, hadn’t felt nearly as much as he’d wanted. 

Closing his eyes, he surfaced a touch-memory; the shape of you beneath your coat. He imagined the slope of your waist in his hands as it looked like today; where the cotton met the wool of your skirt, heaving against his palms as he left his sloppy trail. Impatiently, he would free you from the confines of it, tug at the cotton and greet your warm, soft flesh with his aching fingers. You, of course, would give him full permission to remove it once you felt the insistence of his touch, felt his thumb drag over the small of your back, across that dip he caught a glance of last night. 

Tugging the cloying barrier up and over your head, he would shield you from the door with his body, letting the mass of the AV cart block any eyes wandering the hall from what he was about to do next. In the soft, flickering light from the television, your chest would rise and fall, spilling over from your white lace bra as it heaved in anticipation. 

The real you sank deeper into your chair. Shoulders slumped, shielding your eyes with your knuckles as you stared blankly down into the sea of papers. There was a heat emanating from the back corner of the room, one you could feel with the crown of your head. You knew exactly where it was coming from, and from whom. Hesitant as you were to address him, it was burning too hot to ignore, boring into you with a palpable insistence. With a swift, upward glance, you faced off. 

Eddie’s lids were heavy, cheeks pinking at the sudden confrontation. He licked his lips, eyes darkening as he swallowed. You could almost feel them again, cradling yours in a phantom kiss just like they did fourteen hours ago. His mouth had been so needy. So hot and plush, tongue slipping against yours like he’d been starving. 

Eddie closed his eyes in a slow blink. When he opened them again, they were so heavy with want that it rippled from across the room, shooting straight between your legs. You’d never been kissed like that before. Kissed so hard it robbed you of your senses, of your oxygen, of your goodness. It was easy to imagine; doing it again. Especially when he was looking at you like that. 

You indulged for just a moment, joined him in the scene. Alone together in the dark, empty room. It was easy to imagine what those lips would feel like going further; sucking your collar bone, grazing it with his teeth, trailing his sopping mouth to the place where your neck meets your shoulder before his calloused thumb slipped the strap of your bra to the side. 

Wringing a hand behind your neck, you glanced toward the television with a sudden feigned interest. The feeling wouldn’t leave you though; clouding your mind with wet smacking lips and the chill of the air at your nipples. 

He knew they would be perfect. He could just tell. They would heave beneath his watering mouth, puckered and primed for him to latch. Capturing one of them in his wet heat, you would melt into his waiting arms. Back arched, mewling so needy and loud it would cause the door to open if the scene was real. He was certain he’d be able to taste your hums through your skin here too. Even better perhaps.

Eddie shifted in his seat with a mild grimace, hand darting beneath his desk in time with a swift raise of his hips as chair legs scraped the tile. He glanced at his lap, then back up at you. 

Your face became a roaring furnace, paling only to the heat pooling under you. The pale television light flickered across his flushed cheeks, his lowered brow, his smoldering eyes that held you captive. He wanted you to know. Indulging, you imagined what was going on under that desk. What it would look like if he were to stand, to scale the room in a few eager strides and show you up close. 

“Need you now, Eddie,” you’d croon with a swipe of your hand up the generous bulge he was sporting, punctuating it with a pinch of his weeping head through the denim.

Eddie took his cue. In one dramatic swoop, the papers fluttered to the floor, the plant made a mess of the tile, the stapler clattered beside your shattered mug as pens rolled down the isles. Backing you into the edge of the big desk, he kissed you again. Hot and slick, body flush with yours, pressing his need against your pelvis as he probed your aching mouth. Parting only to shed himself of his outer layer, to lay it down behind you like a blanket, shielding your bare back from the cold wood.

From the confines of his small desk across the room, real Eddie took a deep breath, lids closing heavy on the inhale, fluttering open to a pained pout on the exhale.

Seating yourself on the edge of your desk on set, you would free him from the confines of his jeans. Pawing at his belt, you would tuck your fingers beneath it and tug urgently, rattling metal and leather before working his button free. Slowly, your nimble fingers would locate and lower his zipper, and a sigh would be the second thing that escaped. 

You were an A-list actress, looking down at his proud length like you’d never seen a dick before in your whole life. The coyness with which you peered from under your lashes was thoroughly convincing. Oscar-worthy. With a timid, chalk-dusted finger, you would draw a line from base to tip, admiring the way it bobbed, the way your touch encouraged it to glisten. Real Eddie swallowed, drawing a deep, impatient breath. Convincing as you were of your innocence, he was certain those fingers would know what they were doing as they traced his ridges with a teasing curiosity.

Unable to take any more of it, his hands would find your knees; bare where the stockings left off. They would roam under your thick wool skirt, up those impossibly soft thighs and draw back the curtain as you braced yourself against the desk behind you. In this scene, of course, your costume called for nothing underneath. You would be ready for him. Back flush with his coat, legs spread, glistening with need in the pale light from the television behind him. 

Impatient as he was, he would be remiss not take this opportunity to satisfy a curiosity of his own. Crouching down to level with your sex, he would take in your scent first. Breathe in your delicious, heady pheromones, let it cloud his vision further, as if there was room for anything else other than the persistent thought of you. Eddie wondered what you tasted like. Your mouth was exquisite, so what must you taste like here? With a generous swipe of his tongue, he would find the answer. 

The real you crossed your legs tightly, as if that would stave off the throbbing between them. Real Eddie caught it, the shift in your seat, the subtle raise of your knee under your plaid skirt, the way you worried your lip with your teeth as you glanced shyly toward the papers still, unfortunately, on your desk. 

What might his tongue feel like there? The question grappled for your attention despite futile attempts to shove it away. His tongue had a certain talent, you’d noticed, as it probed against yours in the dark last night. A sense of rhythm was a hard thing to teach. His tongue would be warm, you were certain of that, saliva slick as he pressed it flatly to your heat. He would take his time, savoring every groove and fold across this new terrain as if he were committing it to memory. Propping up on your elbows against the satin liner of his coat, you would catch those deep brown eyes, peering into yours with a smoldering hunger, lower lids pinching in pleasure as he drew slowly upward.

You would paw at the crown of his head, rake your fingers through his curls and tug, feeling his approving hum against your core. Halo of frizz tickling your thighs, his tongue would lathe slow and steady, closing those plush lips over your aching bud before sucking a kiss where you needed it most.

Exhaling deeply, you toyed with a pen on your desk; pressed your thumb into the cold metal nub, studied the tension a moment before releasing. Eyes unfocused, you were helpless as the film played out behind them. Click. Click. Click. Light flickered from the TV, twenty eyes distracted and oblivious. Throbbing, you shifted in your seat and caught the scent of your own arousal. Embarrassment flooded your cheeks. Never in your life had you been so grateful to be in the dark.

Try as you might to gleam a single chaste thought from the words printed below you, there was no space in your head for it. Just Eddie, crouched over you like a preying animal, looking at you with those lust-blown eyes like he’d make you his meal. Wrapping those ringed fingers around your hips, shifting his to meet them as he stood. You could almost feel it; his cockhead pressing with insistence at your entrance. Almost feel the safety of his shadow, how his curls would kiss his cheekbones as he hovered above you, how his lids would flutter as he pushed in. That deep, relieved sigh you would both breathe together as the long ache was soothed upon joining.

It was a moving picture. 

From the back of the room, Eddie watched your face burrow into your hand; fingers splayed across your forehead and eyes, shoulders slumping on your ragged exhale. How desperately he itched to ease them with his hands, his teeth, his tongue. It was painful; his cock straining against the confines of his jeans. Silently, he thanked himself for grabbing the black pair from the pile on the chair in his bedroom this morning, certain he was leaking through by now. 

Slowly, he shifted his hips upward, relishing in the drag of the fabric against his sensitive head as it moved toward his waistband. He paused before tucking it, arching forward again with sinful fulfillment. It felt good. Too good. Good enough to do it again. The way the cotton raked against the heart-ridge of his cock, the way the stiff bend in his zipper hit that sweet spot when his hips canted forward. 

Eddie glanced around the room, flushing furiously. All eyes were forward. No one seemed to notice.  Gripping the edge of the desk, he continued to rock his hips; slow and quiet micro-movements, careful not to creak the plastic chair. The shrinking, logical part of his brain couldn’t believe he was doing this. It was a new low. Perverted, even for him. But the tension was mounting, becoming unbearable, and the relief it offered was enough to drown out the shame.

He bet you would be so tight. He could almost feel those gorgeous legs wrap around his waist, your boots crossing at the ankles behind him, drawing him closer as you whined from the stretch. He could almost see you bite your lip and knit your brows, feel your fingers dig into his strong shoulders as you adjusted to his size. He would go slow, knowing it’s been a while for you. You would clench and arch but take him so well as he inched his way to the hilt. Then, bracing against the wood, he would happily give you what you needed — jack hammer hard, rutting like an animal in heat. You would be sinfully wet. He bet you were right now, sitting up there with your legs crossed and head down. Pity it would go to waste. If he had it his way it would be dripping onto the desk, slicking his balls as those pretty, perfect tits of yours bounced with every snap of his hips. 

The fabric was hitting him just right, scratching that itch with each flex of his cock against the dampened cotton. It was a slow mount, subtle and teasing, but it was enough. Anything would have been enough. A breeze. Eyes closed, forehead hung on the heel of his hand in feigned boredom, he imagined it what you would feel like under his thumb; rubbing that little button of yours that made you squirm and moan so deeply he could feel it from the inside. 

The hardest part was steadying his breath. He supposed he couldn’t fault his body, it was just doing what was natural in a place he shouldn’t be doing it. He couldn’t fault his heart for hammering, or his hips from wanting to buck, or his hands for itching to expedite the relief. What he would give to crank the volume on the television, to draw a curtain and just get it over with. God forbid you wisened up to his antics, although the thought did send a jolt to his dick. He knew he should stop before he did something utterly shameful, but the spot he was hitting was just too sweet, a feeling he was helpless but to chase.

He would give you everything you ever wanted. With gritted teeth he would ream you until you came undone, make that pretty face of yours contort over and over as you writhed against the desk, howling his name into the drop ceiling. The slap of skin on skin would echo off the tile until he’d rendered you utterly stupid, which was difficult to do.

“You want it, huh?” he’d huff into your ear, peppered with nip of your lobe. “Want me? Want my cum?”

Tugging the hair at the nape of his neck, you’d mewl your answer. “Yes. Please.”

Slumping forward in his desk, Eddie buried his head in the crook of his arm. Fuck. His boots dug into the tile, thighs straining, lip pinched in his teeth, desperate to restrain the bucking of his hips. There was an animal inside him, tugging like a rubber band waiting to snap. His aching balls begged as they drew upward, cockhead so sensitive it could feel every stitch. Eddie burrowed his nose into the desk, both chasing the feeling and running from it.

He would show you how much of a man he was, paint you with proof on the inside. Remind you as it slicked your thighs with every click of your boots down the hall.

Huffing into the dark cocoon, his free hand gripped the metal legs below him, holding on for dear life as the wave approached its crest. Hips stuttering, breath fogging the desk, he hit the wall. The one that made his mind go blank, his eyes roll back, his whole body tense and tingle like a yawn. 

It came out like a whimper. Warmer and wetter with each pathetic spurt. A small, strangled sound threatened the back of his throat. It tried to escape his gaping, downturned mouth, but he choked it back. It was a relief to get it out, like a dirty confession. Wave after hot, thick wave of frustration pooled in his boxers, clung to his balls as he emptied them completely. When the last of it crested with nothing more to give, his hips rocked to stillness, and the rest of his body went limp. 

He looked like a puddle of leather and hair. Squinting as you peered around the student in front of him, you wondered why his back was heaving like he had been running. 

Eddie peeled his face up from the desk; cheeks flushed, mouth slack, looking at you in a way you could only describe as absolutely fucked-out. A stray ringlet swayed in his ragged breath. There was that feeling again, that pulse between your legs that made you clench them. Quickly as he’d met your eyes, he blinked away as if it burned.

Eddie was a mess. Shifting in his seat with a grimace, he could feel the cotton cling to his skin as he sobered to the chalkboard, and the desks, and the twenty other people he prayed were oblivious to what he’d just done. It was like he was waking up from a wet dream, only he had never gone to sleep. He blinked down at his desk, mortified as his cock softened happily, lolling in its sticky puddle. It was seeping through the denim, cooling in his lap as the seconds ticked by. Glancing at the clock, he calculated another twenty minutes before he could clean it up. Twenty whole minutes to sit with the consequences, to stew in a puddle of his own shame. He supposed he could excuse himself to the bathroom but that would, of course, mean addressing you. It would mean getting up and walking in front of your desk, and the entire class, while you handed him a hall pass like a fucking child. He would rather sit.

Blinking back your thoughts from the gutter, you righted yourself in your chair, chastising yourself as you uncrossed your legs, your own mess trailing cooly against your inner thigh. It was uncomfortable, embarrassing, but there was nothing you could about it now. Flipping through your Rolodex of thoughts, you searched for anything. Anything at all that was chase, or sensible, or mildly interesting. 

Looking down at your naked hands, another scene fell open. This time the set came from memory. A pawn shop in early summer. It was vivid — the rain beating against the large window framing the on-ramp of the highway, Frank Sinatra mocking from the dusty speaker in the corner. The diamond sparkled magnificently as you passed the ring over the glass countertop. Brilliant rainbow fractals brought out by certain lights. They would catch you by surprise sometimes, tickle you with delight in the supermarket or the mall. It winked at you under the fluorescents then, a fleeting goodbye. In the moment, you weren’t sure which was worse — catching your own pained reflection in the glass below you or the pity in the eyes of the man who took your once-prized possession.

You left with twelve hundred dollars in an envelope, a fraction of what it cost him. The banker box rattled in the passenger’s seat as you slammed the door. Stuffed too full for a lid, your quill mug clattered against the plates your grandma gave you. You’d run out of newspaper wrapping your knick-knacks, resorted to your clothes to pad the rest.

The mug cast a shadow across your desk now, flickering in the light of the television. 

You clenched your fists, fighting the touch-memory of Eddie’s ribs under your palms. You’d felt safe for a moment; nestled in his coat, in his hair, melting into the heat of his mouth. What you would give to live it all again, right now. What you would give to have him all to yourself, every day. For the luxury to go on a date, to be seen in public together, to explore where this was going. Glancing across the sea of twenty desks, reality stared back. Where did you think this was going? 

Eddie’s pencil clattered to the floor. His curse was audible, even from the front of the room. Was this where you would place your trust? Your career, your future? In the reckless hands of a twenty year old man? He could ruin you. With a bold move, or a misplaced word, or a drunken gloat one night with his friends. Or god forbid it all went south and in a blind fury he lashed out and retaliated somehow. He wouldn’t do that, would he? You thought you knew him well enough to know that he would never, but did you really? You’d known Eddie Munson for all of four months, which felt strange to consider. It terrified you, the depth of your feelings in so short a time. Terrified you almost as much as the consequences for them. 

Your hand twitched beside the green grading pen resting on the pile of tests you’d barely touched in the last thirty minutes. There were more in your bag to be graded — the stack you’d abandoned on your coffee table last night. It would all catch up to you eventually. The homework, the papers, the secrets. After all you’d been through, had you learned nothing? No one really knows what they want at twenty years old. You certainly didn’t. A head full of fantasies is what you had. Snatching your pen with a firm click, you slashed an X through one of the questions on the test below you and buried yourself in your work.

When the bell finally rang, Eddie hung back in his seat like he always did, waiting for his moment with you. But by the time he had stripped himself of his jacket and secured his flannel around his waist, you had already made for the door.

______

The metal serving spoon smacked the plastic tray, leaving behind a glob of tomato sauce over the tangle of limp noodles. With a tight-lipped nod of thanks, Eddie took it from the lunch lady and made his way into the settled cafeteria, finding his place at the end of the Hellfire table. Steamed carrots bounced from the tray onto the sticky veneer as it fell from his hands with a clatter. Slugging off his backpack to the floor, he slumped into the empty chair that had been waiting patiently for him for the past twenty minutes. 

“There he is,” Jeff nodded to Dustin across the table.

“What’s the story this time? Got abducted by aliens?” chortled Dave.

He would think they would stop asking questions by now, but apparently he needed to teach them a lesson. “Nah, just… jerking off,” Eddie said with a deadpan shake of his head before spearing a meatball with his fork.

The half-truth earned him a rowdy chuckle from the peanut gallery, a gag from Mike. He would spare them the uglier details, like the balled up boxers shoved in the bottom of his backpack or how awkward it was to strip them off in the stall of a bustling bathroom. Glancing down at his lap, he checked that the flannel was still cloaking the drying white stain. 

Jeff’s leather jacket squeaked from the bend in his arm as he leaned against the table. “I was just filling the boys in on the show last night,” he said with a glint in his eyes.

Eddie looked up with a full mouth, eyes like saucers. 

“Yeah, told them about our special guest,” Dave added with a raise of his eyebrows.

He could only respond with a nervous huff, turning back to his tray as his stomach did kick flips. 

“Is it true?” Mike asked Eddie. “She seriously got up and danced?”

Eddie swallowed the whole mouthful at once. He couldn’t lie his way out of this one. “I mean, nothing too crazy. Just for a song.”

“Yeah a song Eddie made us play for her,” Jeff said with a wink. Dustin and Mike’s mouthes fell open simultaneously.

“Think I saw her tits at one point,” Dave reminisced. 

Eddie scoffed. “You did not see her tits, dude. You’re so full of shit.”

“I dunno man, her shirt was pretty short,” Gareth added with a playful nudge. 

“They’re both full of shit,” Eddie shakily assured to the two youngest members. 

They barely paid him a glance, chuckling amongst the rest while Dave rubbed lewd circles over his chest. 

“HEY,” Eddie barked. “Look at me, all of you. This doesn’t leave this table, do you understand me? If I catch wind that any of you went and told anyone about last night I’ll skin you alive, I swear to god.”

Gareth shot him a tired look. “Jesus, dude. Nothing even happened.”

The knot in Eddie’s stomach released slightly. “That’s right. Nothing happened.”

Dave snorted, stabbing his bendy straw into a leftover carrot. “Yeah man, chill out. Nobody’s gonna get your girlfriend in trouble.” 

The blood drained from Eddie’s face as the whole gang erupted in laughter. The uproarious, table slapping kind. It was a joke. A good one, it seemed. The word echoed like the pulse pounding in his ears. Girlfriend. Girlfriend. Girlfriend. A warm, gooey word. One that made his stomach churn with longing. Biting back venom, he wondered how their faces would change if he slapped them with the truth. Would they still be laughing? Would they even believe him? They could laugh all they want—for your sake at least—but it stung nonetheless. 

Dave caught the bitter shift in his expression. “What? You clearly have the hots for her.”

“Who doesn’t?” Jeff laughed.

“ANYWAY!” Eddie punctuated with a smack of his hands against the table. “Gareth, you’ve been awfully quiet about your date this past Sunday. Please, regale us,” he gestured grandly.

Gareth chuckled nervously, pushing a noodle around with his fork. “Oh uh, nothing really happened there either.”

Dave rolled his eyes. “Seriously dude? You’ve been on like three dates and you haven’t even made it to first base?”

“I told you, Cindy’s not like that!” Gareth defended before glancing around sheepishly. “But we did…kinda… hold hands on Sunday.” 

A long oooh emanated from the table. “Hands cupped or laced?” Dustin asked with a raise of his eyebrows, demonstrating with his own hands.

“Ok so,” Gareth began with an emerging smirk, “you know the Large Marge part of Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where her face goes all,” he demonstrated with a bug-eyed look, hands splayed on either side of his face. 

The table responded with chuckles and nods. “Gets me every time,” muttered Dustin.

“Well, Cindy’d never seen it before, so she jumped and like, grabbed my arm,” he paused for effect, “so I just went for it.”

Approval bubbled up from his captive audience. 

“Cupped at first,” he clarified, cutting through the noise, “but after like ten minutes she didn’t pull away, so,” he laced his fingers triumphantly. There was a barking applause, fists rattling the table. Jeff clapped him on the back with a blinding grin. 

Eddie was an island. Oceans away, he managed a soft smile. His night had been far from innocent — a frantic tangle of hands, and tongues, and teeth in the frigid darkness. Phantom feelings that tugged at his lips and fingers, at the forefront of his every thought. Thumbing at the rubber rim of the lunch table, he dreamt of a universe where the walls and roles fell away, one where he could speak of his firsts too. 

______

Eddie had been watching the clock all day. In eighth period trigonometry he watched second hand crawl around the clock face fifty times as his thumbnail worked the paint off a pencil, chipping at the indents his teeth left behind. The final bell was the sweetest sound he’d ever heard. Slugging his backpack over his shoulder, he didn’t even bother to stop at his locker before ducking down the hall where your room resided. He almost collided with a straggling sophomore exiting your door on his way in. 

Perhaps he had arrived too early. It wasn’t the scene he was accustomed to — you, standing at your desk, shoving folders into your satchel like you were trying to make a run for it. His small wooden chair still leaned against the wall. The AV cart still towered where it was when the lights were off. Glancing down, he quickly checked to make sure the flannel was draping correctly. 

“Going somewhere?” he teased, unable to hide the concern creeping in.

Your smile was a coy, fragile thing. Chest rising with the kicking of your heart, you opened your mouth but had no words to show for it. Fumbling with an overstuffed folder, you hovered it over the opening of your bag before sliding it in with a sigh.

Eddie shut the door. 

Turning over his shoulder, he snatched your eyes with a startling hunger. Your hands went slack, leather slumping against the desk as his heavy boots met the tile. He was slow in his approach, stalking past the empty rows, parched eyes drinking in every detail of your features. Like a moth drawn to a flame, you met him at the edge of your desk.

His curls were wild, chocolate eyes fiending, a soft concern weighing his brow. Under the fluorescents you could see very clearly what you’d felt last night. The shadow of stubble, the dip of his cupid’s bow, the soft ball of his nose that was cold against your cheek. Under his jacket, the taught landscape of his chest rose and fell. You swallowed, toying with the wool of your skirt. 

“Hey,” he half-whispered, lids drooping ever so slightly. 

“Hey,” you replied, like your tongue was feeling the word for the first time. It tugged a gooey softness from the corners of his mouth, and you cursed yourself for the pang to taste it again. So plush and pink, drawing your gaze long enough for him to notice. 

Eddie dropped his backpack to the floor, tossing it hard enough to collide with the wall below the chalkboard. Shoulders unburdened, he rolled them back to assume the fullness of his height. With pupils blown, he darted out his tongue to wet his lips, looming like a wolf that sees a rabbit. 

He closed in with a step, to which you retreated. The edge of the desk bumped the back of your thighs. Heart hammering, you peered into his hungry eyes. You’d been here before. Not long ago, in your imagination. Different, darker, quieter. 

Eddie drank in the sight of you — your tight cotton shirt and your soft heaving chest. How the band of your skirt hugged the curve of your waist. You, woman.  

Like a false sense of safety, his scent enveloped you. It was dizzying, how badly your hands burned to trace the swell of his pecks, to tangle in his hair, to capture his hot, slick mouth again. Terrifying, the part of you that begged for him to press forward, to tumble you backward, to take his place on top of you. Timidly, your fingers curled over the corner of the desk. 

As he leaned closer, you could feel the tingle of heat from his chest, the ghost of his breath on your face. His arm became a cage as he steadied his palm against the wood behind you. “Been thinking about you all day,” he murmured in your ear. 

You shivered, lids fluttering closed for a selfish, greedy moment. Glancing over his shoulder at the narrow sliver of a window in the door, you peered at the lockers on the other side of the hall. There were some still slamming, slowly petering out as voices drifted further with each passing second. “Eddie,” you warned, placing a hand over his sternum. Eyes dipping slightly at your touch, the solid swell of his chest expanded under the cotton. He stepped back with a gentle push, your palm lingering before falling away. 

A deep breath fumed through his nostrils, heavy and tired. With a tight lipped nod, he backed away, pivoting toward his folded chair beside the door. It screeched as he dragged it across the tile, past the rows of desks, in front of yours, all the way to his usual place beside you. He snapped it open and paused, gripping the wood in his palms, staring down at the place where he’d sat countless times. How small it was compared to yours; padded with armrests and wheels. 

“So we just…” he flexed his fingers and shook his head, unable to suppress the sting in his voice, “go back to normal then?”

Eyes cast down at the empty seats, you sighed. “I don’t… think we can.”

“Good,” he stated, shoulders relaxing slightly. “Come on, let’s sit down.”

It was enticing, that chair with its worn leather padding. What was more enticing was the space beneath the desk; a safe haven for hands and arms, for cupped palms and laced fingers. On top of the desk lay your bag, and your keys, and the plant still alive in its unbroken pot. Your head was pounding; a dull ache that had been radiating from your temples since lunch. Lockers slammed outside the room, fluorescents hot on your skin. With a deep, lamenting sigh, you gave him all you could manage — your honesty. “It’s been… a hell of a day for me—”

“You could say that again.”

“I—” you sighed sharply, “I really think I just need to go home a-and… think things through.”

“What’s there to think about?” The words tumbled out like an avalanche he couldn’t chase. Your balking expression made him wish he could suck them all back.

“Oh gee, I don’t know,” you gestured wildly to the classroom, “we could start with my job.”

“I’m sorry that was—y-you know what I mean.”

“Do I?” The steam from the pressure could have burned him.

“We—we both clearly have feelings for each other,” he explained, lowering his voice. “I just… thought we would figure it out.”

There was a gap between you, cluttered with papers and pens. Your bag slumped in the middle of the mess, gaping and stuffed to the brim. Pulse hammering behind your eyes, you blinked them slowly with a pained sigh. “I know,” you admitted, toying with the strap. “Eddie, please, I need some time to think about all this.” 

It hurt to imagine. You, going home, sitting there in your slippers at your coffee table and deciding that he wasn’t worth the risk. Closing the flap on your satchel, you tugged the leather heap across the desk, but Eddie’s hand was quick to pounce. “No, we need to talk.” 

Frustration pinched your brow. “I know but—”

“Then let’s talk, yeah?” he gestured to the chairs.

A cluster of shadows passed by the window over your shoulder. “Not here, not right now.”

Eddie rolled his eyes. “Then let’s get out of here.”

“And go where? A table at Benny’s?” you snapped.

“You’ve got a place, right?”

Folding your arms, you shot him an incredulous look, though the thought was both thrilling and terrifying. You lowered your voice. “What happened last night was… impulsive.”

“I’d say it was a long time coming.”

You sighed. “Regardless, I think that’s enough for this week.”

Eddie would disagree, but his tongue had a wrangle on the words this time. In the pause, it was easy for both of you to picture; his clothes on your bedroom floor. Easy to picture the ways he could ruin you in private — fold you like the chair under his wringing palms. Still, the ways he could ruin you in public were equally vivid. 

You turned to grab your coat, brushing past him. The arm of his jacket was smooth against yours. Electrified by the contact, you lingered for a moment, unable to abstain from drinking in his form, his scent, from basking in the prickle of his aura. 

He could see it clearly in the harsh light — the shadow that clung beneath your lower lashes, the sagging exhaustion in your eyes. Gravity tugged at the corners of your natural lips, so different from how they appeared last night — dark and dusty red, framing a smile that outshined the moon. His fingers twisted against the wood. “Please stay,” he begged softly. 

Your eyes drifted shut, a split-second relish in the sweet pang of his voice, though the words rung a different bell; a different man saying them. In a flash, another scene appeared — you, at the door of your old home in Indianapolis, cradling the last of your belongings as your free hand gripped the knob. 

Opening your eyes to the radiator, and the windows, and the pale grey sky before you now, you relinquished a shaky sigh and tucked your fingers under the thick collar of your coat. It still held a subtle fragrance, clinging to the memory of last night, desperately as you were. Eddie watched with rapt attention as your brow pinched in pain, fingers twitching under the wool he’d memorized the shape of you through. When your lip began to tremble, his hand lost control. 

“Hey,” he whispered, meeting the soft cotton slope of your shoulder with his palm. 

Your head snapped toward his umber eyes; warmer than the hand that thawed your shoulder, callus catching on the cotton as his thumb soothed over it. You followed it down to his wrist, to the tendons flexing beneath the chain, dipping under the sleeve of his worn, leather coat. How desperately you longed to wrap yourself inside it again, to nestle into his beating chest and hide there forever. 

A voice crackled over the loudspeaker, and reflex had you flinching. “I’m sorry,” you mouthed, tears burning behind your eyes as you snatched your coat off the hook.

Bitterly, he dropped his hand. The contact hurt to break, almost as much as it hurt to watch you don your coat, to snatch your bag, to sling the heavy strap over your shoulder. Helplessly, he stood there, feeling like a fool until the welling of your eyes made it unbearable not to advance. “It doesn’t have to be like this,” he pleaded. “Like—like a big deal. Not if we don’t make it one.”

You froze, eyes narrowing as a pained fume left your nose. “That’s easy for you to say.” With a bitter huff, you turned on your heel and left him in the classroom with only the echo of your footsteps. 

______

A/N: Yes, in my story Principal Higgins is a woman. I know in canon Eddie says “flip him the bird,” but for some reason my brain didn’t register that until literally two months ago. I always pictured Higgins as a stern, ancient, nun-like woman and I can’t seem to shake that characterization from my brain. Perhaps I’m just scarred from Catholic grade school. I think it works well for this story, so Martha Higgins it is. 

Also sorry I never stated this in the tags but the upside down does not exist in this universe.

The smut is coming very soon. Pinky swear. Our Lady of Internal Conflict is just having a moment. 

Taglist: @mermaidsandcats29 @toxicjayhoo @ooo-protean-ooo @jadequeen88 @wroteclassicaly @kissmyacdc @mantorokk-writes @storiesbyrhi @trashmouth-richie @carolmunson @blueywrites @alottanothing @bebe07011 @latenighttalkingwithgrapejuice @idkidknemore @alizztor @godcreatoreli @ethereal27cereal @munsonsgirl71 @mrsjellymunson @emxxblog @siriusmuggle @sidthedollface2 @dollalicia @lma1986 @catherinnn @eddiemunson4life420 @readsalot73 @big-ope-vibes @barbiedragon @ladylilylost @3rriberri @princess-eddie @nightless @eddieswifu @thew0rldsastage @chaoticgood-munson @hanahkatexo @eddiemunsonsbedroom @beep-beep-sherlock @averagemisfit03 @vintagehellfire @haylaansmi @sllooney @lunaladybug734 @callingmrsbarnes @ajkamins

______

MASTERLIST ⎮ AO3 ⎮ KO-FI

[ruiniel]

What You Choose

Fandom: Demon Slayer: Kimetsu no Yaiba

Pairing: Rengoku Kyojuro x f!reader

Count: 2K

Rating: T (M later)

On AO3

Summary: I recently watched/read KNY and have emotions. Likely done before, but wanted to get this out of my system so wrote it down. Rengoku survives the fight with Akaza, but some battles are not so straightforward.

Tags & Warnings: Rengoku lives AU, multichapter, blood, injury, pining, angst, second person POV, demon slayer!reader, tsuguko!reader, alternating POV, Oblivious Rengoku Kyojuro, for a while at least, Death, Mild Gore, Mild Hurt/Comfort, Eventual Smut

All characters depicted are 18+

I.

Everything fades. His body is going numb, his vision blurs as he stares down at his reflection in the dark pool of his own blood, unable to lift his head. The cries of grief surrounding him become dim and scatter like dying leaves from his consciousness.  

I've done my duty, I've given my all.

The last he remembers is a small, clawed hand and a sudden, blooming flame bursting through his shattered torso, scalding him from within in ways his own fire never could. 

I see... So this is what it feels like… to burn. 

The balmy weather outside has no effect on you, seated at the side of the infirmary bed, your head in your hands. 

“Perhaps you should go and rest. There’s been no change, and we’ll be sure to inform you of any developments.” 

Aoi’s words are void of their usual sternness. You’ve heard them before, and yet—

“I’m fine, I really am.” You gaze back at the prone figure lying motionless beneath crisp white sheets. His gold and crimson hair is messy, and you’ve never seen him so pale, his features so sunken. The bandage covering his left eye is stained red in places, the usually smiling lips dry and bloodless.

Aoi sighs but says nothing else, and soon her departing steps echo against the walls.

I can’t. I can’t leave his side. You wish your thought could reach him, down to whatever place he’s struggling in now. You ball your hands into fists over your knees, a poor attempt at holding your composure. Please, come back. Please.

Weeks have passed since the mission on the train, since your group has returned with wounded bodies and spirits, though none in such a critical state as your mentor. Rengoku Kyojuro has not awakened since, and in contrast, since the nightmares the demon has placed upon you in that baleful encounter, you’ve not been able to sleep more than two to three hours every night. Every time, waking up in a sweat, the memory of what happened always the last image you remember. 

“How is he today?”

You’re drawn from your thought by the gentle voice of the person you feel like you owe a life of debt to, and turn to gaze into the tired, worried eyes of Tanjiro Kamado. He stands by the bed now, glancing down at the Hashira. The slow rise and fall of his chest is the only sign that he is still alive. 

You shake your head as Tanjiro takes a seat. “How is rehabilitation training going?” 

Tanjiro smiles, still staring at the bed and its unresponsive occupant. “Almost done, I feel my strength returning to what it used to be and more. I admire how well you’ve upheld yourself, though,” he murmurs. 

It’s true, for some reason, you’ve been the least scathed of them all, needing much less medical care than the rest. No, you know the reason why. “It’s because of him,” your words escape you. “If… if he hadn’t trained me as he did, if he hadn’t driven me so far beyond my limits, I don’t know if I would have survived for as long as I have in my role.”

“Oh, yes, I’ve heard. They say Lord Rengoku’s methods are… harsh to say the least.”

A smile tugs at your lips as a known pain pricks your heart. “But… but I’ve been remiss in thanking you, young Kamado—or rather, your sister. If she hadn’t…”  Your throat tightens; you don’t want to break down, not here, not before Tanjiro and not before him, no matter he can’t hear it. 

“Please, please don’t worry, it was a stroke of luck and quick thinking on her part, I only brought the box closer—”

“... she healed him! I saw the flames engulfing him, I saw the wound close. I don’t know how she did it but… Nezuko is someone... very special.”

Tanjiro lowers his head in humble acknowledgement. “I will tell her.” Then, as though remembering something, he reaches into his pocket and hands you a small bag. “Here, I’ve not seen you join meals very often and… well, please take them.”

You don’t have the strength to refuse, and take the bag from his hand, meeting his kind smile. “Candies…”  You thank him before placing them on the bedstand, and after a few more moments of sitting in comfortable silence, Tanjiro takes his leave. You watch him depart, endeared by his manner and honesty. He has a good soul, a strong will—perhaps the strongest you’ve known, apart from…

You stare back at your mentor, memories of the past flooding behind your eyes.

Five months prior

“Good! Again!”

You’re panting, your total concentration breathing nearly failing as you evade another deadly arc of the Third Form: Blazing Universe. 

The sun has westered and a bluish twilight sets over the lands, but your mentor still has you parrying his unwavering techniques, before making you attack using combinations of them in turn. 

“Lord—lord Rengoku—”

His blazing speed cuts your words short as your blades clash, and you stare into bright, golden-rimmed irises. He’s smiling, as usual, with a devilish spark in his eyes. There is a sudden flutter in your stomach, overriding the fatigue in your burning muscles. “Come now, don’t tell me you’re beat! You’ve come so far after only three years!” he says as you fall back, lunging for another attack the following second.

The sudden weakness you feel when you’re close to him has you confused, because it was not there before. It all began in the past year: whenever he stares at you in a certain way, whenever he touches you during training or meets your eyes, something gnaws achingly at your chest. It’s as though you need something from him, but have no idea what it is. 

“I knew it from the moment I took you on as a successor,” he says, merciless in his offensive. “If you—” Parry. Lunge. “—carry on like this—” Attack. Jump. “—you’ll reach a Hashira level of skill in no time at all!” 

You don’t have the chance to reply, though his words feel like honey coating your senses. At first, he’d been sparse and strict, keeping to instructions and nothing else. But you struggled, worked harder than you had for anything in all your life, and it seems he acknowledges this fully now. 

“Now—Ninth Form: Rengoku!” 

That means you must attack, and he must deflect. But—Ninth Form?! “I—I can’t, I’m… I’m too exhausted for the Ninth!”

He bursts forward with Unknowing Fire, forcing you to duck and curl your body, rolling away into the dust, rising on one knee. 

The Flame Hashira turns, pointing his weapon at you. “Is that what you plan on telling the demons?”

“Well, no, but—”

“At no point during a battle will you have the luxury of biding your time. If this were an actual encounter, you’d be dead.” He no longer smiles, his face turned cold, eyes glinting like molten steel.

You feel the rush of shame like fangs biting into you, fueling a horrible need to prove him wrong, to rise up to the challenge in his voice. With a hiss and a groan you grip the handle of your katana tightly, breathing and striving to light that spark in your heart. 

With a cry you speed forward, clashing with him in a desperate lunge. 

“Ha!” The smile returns as you grit your teeth. “Better!”

His face is so close to yours again, so close you feel the rush of his breath on your cheek. 

Your knees feel weak again, and you close your eyes, pushing forward in an attempt to skew his balance. 

What the hell is happening to you? 

“Faster, the fire is still weak! It must rage!” the Hashira says, grinning like a madman now, and where once you enjoyed the path of learning and reaching your full potential, now his attitude brings forth an ache that confuses you and leaves you anxious.

Even so. Your blades sing against each other as you lunge back in a high jump, landing in a lowered stance with one palm braced against the earth. Your uniform is wet on your back, and you’re closer to your breaking point than you've ever been.

But the thought of disappointing him, now that feels unbearable. So you do what you always do: you push yourself more, more, harnessing all your strength into one melting core, bathing your heart in it and firing up your veins. 

You attack.

He laughs outright. “Not bad, but—” Your swords clash, fiercer than before. “I know you can do better, and you can be faster.”

“I’m doing all I can!” you yell, at the end of your tether now. It’s not the first time, nor will it be the last. But he takes no offense, he never does, and that's one of the things you appreciate about him. “But you—you make it impossible! You always want more, even if you know I’m not ready for it!”

It must be the fire rushing through you that has you speaking this way, daring to say such words despite knowing full well what you were in for, when you accepted to become his successor. 

“Wait until you’re ready, and you will never improve!” the Flame Hashira throws back.

A growl leaves your throat as you fall back then speed towards him again, trying the Second then the Third form in succession sloppily but you’re past caring. 

Your arms feel as though they will tear and your bones might splinter as you crash against his unwavering stance, and you meet his scarlet-gold gaze as he speaks softly, his voice imbued with warmth: “You can surpass the impossible. I believe in you.” 

Your eyes widen, that damned ache ringing through your body like a weakening poison and—

For one split second, your stance weakens, and you’re thrown back, losing your balance and falling heavily onto the ground. 

Rengoku stares down at you, tilting his head to the side with a strange look on his face as he sheathes his katana. 

Your vision sways, your lungs might burst. You barely clutch at the helping hand extended to you, aiding you to your feet. He grasps your shoulders. “What happened there just now? Your focus melted like wax.”

“I…” You can’t look him in the eye. His hands on you diffuse heat, permeating through your clothing. It feels good. It scares you. “I don’t… know.”

“Tomorrow, again,” he says, releasing you. “Please do better. Remember we’re doing this for you, but foremost for the people.”

“Understood,” you murmur, biting back tears as you watch him walk away.

Midnight has arrived when you end your reverie, thinking about that emotion that took root in your body and spirit, growing stronger as time passed. And you never dared tell him, never dared facing it nor can you explain why. You take a deep breath, leaned with your arms folded on the edge of the bed, your forehead resting on them. You never told him, and now… 

And now with each day I’m losing hope.

Your shoulders are shaking, and your eyes sting. There is no one else here but you and him, the long chamber of empty beds the only witness to your breakdown. 

You’re so absorbed by despair, you don’t perceive the faint movement, or the hand gently placed on your head.

“... Why are you crying?”

You choke on a silent sob, blinking in shock at the low, throaty voice, broken with disuse. Slowly, you raise your head.

He's staring at you, a bleak smile on his lips, and you're utterly, incomprehensibly frozen.

“You… you’re awake?” It feels like the dumbest of questions: your body knows the truth before your mind catches up. 

“That… depends. Are you really here?” he asks in turn. 

You nod, biting on your lower lip and wiping your eyes with your sleeve. “Yes, yes I am.”

The smile wavers for a moment as he grimaces in pain. “Oh, I see. Then… it seems… you’re not rid of me yet.”

All the gods in all the world couldn’t keep the emotions flooding you at bay, and you shake your head as warm tears flow down your face. 

PART II

[crepes-suzette-373]

[Part 1]

The Totto Land plot in the "defective quadruplets AU" (explanation here). I had wanted to make it as drawings/comics, but it got very long, so this becomes a fanfic instead. Assume that everything before this point, and anything that I gloss over, happens exactly as it is in the original series.

*VS*VS*VS*VS*

Sanji blinked slowly at the high ceiling of the lab. His whole body hurt and his face stung to point of numbness. He barely registered the medics approaching, their shoes crunching on the debris scattered all over the broken floor tiles, and when the stern voice of his older sister rang out, it sounded like it was coming from worlds away through the throbbing in his head.

He let Reiju pull him up and lead him away. He never expected anything other than suffering and torment upon returning to this place called Germa, but there were moments, when he closed his eyes, that he thought he saw flashes of hope at the back of his mind.

Blink.

A child Niji was holding a dead rat in one hand and offering him a living rat with his other.

Blink.

Never mind the dead one, Niji would never touch living rats.

Blink.

Yonji was asking him if he ever tried making medicine instead of cooking. Wasn’t the only difference between them their tastes? Food is good, medicine is gross, but you have to mix stuff together to make them both.

Blink.

That’s can’t be. All Yonji ever wanted to do was beat up Sanji and call him weak.

Blink.

He was able to keep up with Ichiji in a swordsmanship bout. Ichiji still won at the end, but Sanji wasn’t immediately pummeled to the ground the moment the instructor said “begin”, and Ichiji even said he did okay.

Blink.

That had to be a dream. Ichiji had always been impossibly strong, and Sanji never stood a chance against him.

*VS*VS*VS*VS*

Reiju led him to her room, and applied a face mask that hurt like hell but fixed his appearance. Only temporarily, she’d said, and he barely listened to her half-heartedly scolding him for returning.

“Reiju,” he interrupted, “Tell me, were there ever times—you know, back then—when they weren’t so…so terrible?”

There was silence, and it was a moment before Reiju replied, simply, “Yes.”

Sanji sighed. “So it was real. I almost thought I’d dreamed that up,” he said flatly. He didn’t know what he was expecting to feel from the answer, but he still felt as hollow as before.

“They’re still like that, even now,” Reiju spoke again, “If it’s any consolation.”

It wasn’t. He was still trapped in a marriage he didn’t want, with the lives of everyone in Baratie and his very future as a cook dangling over certain doom by barely a thread. He thought of Zeff, the man whom he owed his life to. Sanji would rather endure a million beatings than allow the man, who was his father in all but blood, to die.

As if life hasn’t given him enough burden to carry, Luffy came bounding at the Germa’s cat carriage, grinning and cheerfully chattering away like usual. How Sanji wished it could be like all their previous adventures, where they could throw themselves at the enemy and fight to the very last spans of their lives. This time it was different, and no amount of desperate fighting could get them through it.

So Sanji hardened his emotions, to whatever extent it was capable of, and landed a kick on his captain. He echoed the horrid drivel that was drummed into his ears all day long, even as every word tasted like poison on his tongue, and rained flaming blows on Luffy, desperately willing the stubborn rubber man to leave. Every hit was like a blow to his own soul, and he was certain his heart shattered at the utter disgust Nami-san directed at him through her tear-filled eyes.

*VS*VS*VS*VS*

Multi coloured unwanted guests barged in on Sanji while he was preparing food for Pudding.

He said nothing and kept working, all the while anticipating the usual slew of mockery for his unroyal-like behaviour. None came, however, and the only sound came from utensils clattering and food sizzling and bubbling on the stove.

The silence made his chest tighten, and every few moments his eyes darted towards his three intruders, watching for any dangerous movements. There was still nothing. The trio had seated themselves at the small dining table in that kitchen, and were just sitting there doing nothing.

His hands began to tremble, unwittingly. He had to steady his right hand with his left to lift the pot of pasta from the burner. He drained the pasta and, as he stirred it into the sauce, he glanced back at the table. A shiver ran through his body when he saw that there was only two, now. Where did—

“I want that,” came a low voice from his other side.

“Gah!” Sanji screamed and nearly dropped his spatula.

Niji had made his way over unnoticed, and was pointing at the burger patties still cooking in the other pan. “I want two,” he spoke again.

Sanji stared. Niji stared back.

Completely bewildered, Sanji could only say, “It’s not done yet.”

“Then I want that,” Niji said, pointing at a plate of sandwiches to the side.

Still very confused, Sanji waved a “go ahead” gesture, and went back to finishing the pasta. Somehow that weird little interaction stopped his tremors and, even if he couldn’t say he was no longer tense, he was able to proceed without hiccups.

Moments later, the sandwiches were still untouched and Niji doesn’t seem to have even moved a muscle when Sanji returned from getting a plate of buns and lettuce for the burgers. Shaking his head, Sanji turned off the stove and lifted the pan of patties.

Niji looked over, then. “Is that done? I still want two,” he said. He glanced slightly at the buns and toppings on the other plate, and then added, “I don’t want the bread and green stuff. Or any gross sauce.”

“Yes, yes, now go away, you’re bothering me,” Sanji replied without thinking. His insides were already recoiling the moment the words left his mouth, and he waited for the angry expletives to come. He was surprised when Niji instead immediately returned to the table without another word and sat back down. 

There was no time to dwell on it, though. He made a quick check of the roasting meat (still a little more to go), flipped the grilled fish, and then began arranging the burgers. The best one went into the bentou box. He put the lopsided ones on a plate and the remaining patties on another. After a moment’s consideration, he ladled a portion of curry in a saucier, and placed it on the plate of meat patties alongside condiments in little soufflé cups. He brought three sets of knives and forks alongside the plates to the table.

”Whatever happened to ‘royals shouldn’t cook’?” Sanji mumbled quietly to himself as he laid down the plates.

He was heading back towards the stove, when from behind him he heard Ichiji’s voice, “You already did the cooking. The food can’t be unmade.”

Sanji hadn’t been expecting a reply, and he instinctively directed his attention to the table again. Yonji was stuffing his face with the burgers and Niji quietly eating his meat patties—Sanji couldn’t help raising an eyebrow when he saw Niji had poured on the curry. Ichiji wasn’t eating, and he just sat there looking at Sanji with his arms crossed.

Why? Why why what why what…?

A dozen formless questions spun in Sanji’s head as he and Ichiji held eye contact. Then it became too much, and Sanji almost ran back to his cooking as though in escape.

In many ways it was. Cooking was his solace, and going through the motions helped his nerves settle back down, even with the gleaming gold around his wrists serving as a reminder that one of his last few comforts could be taken away from him any time.

In the middle of placing sandwiches in the bentou box, a thought made him pause: Niji hadn’t touched those for some reason. He glanced at the table, and saw that Niji had finished his portion and was just sitting idly again. Sanji looked down at the sandwich plate, then at the empty plate on the table, and it suddenly dawned on him that Niji didn’t take the sandwiches earlier because he had been waiting to be served like the stupid spoiled prince that he was.

Sanji could only huff. “I give up, this is crazy.”

*VS*VS*VS*VS*

It wasn’t until the bentou box was packed and ready that Sanji realized that what he had been making was the typical menu for the crew aboard the Sunny. Between the unwelcome presence of certain individuals—who all still haven’t left yet—and his jumbled emotions, he hadn’t been thinking as clearly as he should be while cooking. In fact, come to think of it, he probably hadn’t even been thinking at all, and was only moving out of pure instincts.

Even though he didn’t prepare the meat in a Luffy-sized portion, it was still way too much for someone like Pudding. As he was mulling over the food, Ichiji’s voice interrupted his thoughts.

“By the way, Sanji, we don’t actually have hostages in the East Blue.”

“What?!”

He whirled around so fiercely he knocked over the bottle of wine. It fell back on the counter with a thud, and normally Sanji would’ve worried about it falling to the floor, but he paid it no mind.

“What do you mean there’s no hostage?” Sanji asked, his voice rising in a mix of hope, fear, and rage. “If this is a trick—”

“Our ships are all here; we don’t have anyone assigned to target that restaurant of yours,” Ichiji said, his voice flat and toneless as usual. “Big Mum’s crew gave us the picture and information and let us handle the rest. I do not believe they sent any ambush parties over themselves.”

“If you’re worried, do you want to give them a call?” Yonji asked, holding out a dendenmushi that had materialized from who knows where. His tone was light, and the corners of his mouth was turned in a slight smile as he spoke.

Sanji exploded.

“You’re telling me, now, that you’ve been making empty…you’ve been threatening me…and it was all nothing?!” The words came in a mad rush and he was stumbling and slurring over them in frothing rage. “You think this is funny, don’t you? Playing with people’s lives? Why are you even telling me this?”

He wanted to scream, to hit them, and he also wanted to cry. He thought of the cruel words and punches and the burning pain of electricity searing his body. Luffy’s expression burning determination, even with his bruised and battered body, and the haunting expression on Nami-san’s face. Everything he went through, everything he did…what was the point of it all?

“People die when they die,” Ichiji stated matter of factly, “All we needed was for the wedding to proceed as planned. You’re getting married tomorrow, so I don’t see any difficulties in telling you this.” He tilted his head a little, and then said, “I’m sure you’ve heard that your crew mates have been caught, yes? We might be able to negotiate to bring Cat Burglar Nami with us after the wedding. I’m sure having a familiar face around would make you feel more comfortable.”

“If you touch Nami-san I will rip you to shreds,” Sanji snarled. “I can’t believe this. You also threatened to kill all the hostages if I fought you. What was that about?”

“That’s your punishment. You kicked me for the sake of that kitchen girl.” It was Niji who responded this time. “As royalty, you can’t attack your big brother for the sake of that kind of lowly servant. If you want a match, I’ll take you anytime.”

“I stopped associating myself with this miserable lot ages ago.”

“But you are our brother,” says Yonji, who was idly poking at the dendenmushi on his hand, “What else would you be?”

Sanji gaped at Yonji like he was speaking gibberish. Then he cast his eyes towards the other two. There were none of the twisted smirks he’d seen on their faces the other day. All he saw were vague looks that seemed like on the border of forming expressions, but didn’t quite fully get there.

“What—what is wrong with you? With all of you? Why are you acting like this?” Sanji choked out. Their calm, matter of fact manner somehow deflated his rage. He almost would rather they berate and hit him again, because he could kick and fight and vent out all his feelings. This, though, only made him feel like he was losing his mind.

Three faces glanced at each other around the table, and then almost in unison they said, “This is just how we’ve always been.”

At those words, Sanji recalled in his memories the echoes of his own tiny voice asking the same question, “Why are you like this?”

 “This is just how we are,” three equally tiny voices gave the same answer.

There was a vision at the back of his mind, then, of a view framed by the metal of an iron mask, and three pairs of little eyes peering at him through bars of steel. The same three pairs that were directed at him, in the present, except on the faces of grown men.

Wait… eyes?

Sanji blinked. He didn’t know how it never registered until then that Ichiji and Niji weren’t wearing their dark glasses and goggles. He also hadn’t noticed before that their hair were different, too. Ichiji’s wasn’t sticking up like a chicken’s comb, but loose and relaxed, and he thought it looked a little like Reiju’s hair. Niji’s hair was also not in that…whatever that weird style he usually wore, which Sanji had mentally dubbed “the banana”, but draping down his face like waterfalls. Yonji’s hair doesn’t have that little tail at the back of his head that looked like a duck’s butt.

What could this possibly mean—? No, that’s not important. He could puzzle over this later. He had to find Pudding immediately.

This whole time, with the looming threat on Baratie, there was nothing he could do besides let himself be dragged around and placate Big Mum enough to plead her for mercy. Now that he knew Baratie was safe, he could save Nami-san and Luffy. Pudding had helped them get in; surely she could also help them get back out.

With the explosive bracelets still on, Sanji himself still had no chance of leaving. Besides, after what he’d done he didn’t deserve to return to the Sunny. The least he could do to atone for it was to get all the Mugiwara crew out of there safely.

This was no time for flowers and wine, but Sanji still grabbed the food before rushing out. He had prepared that bentou to make up for the dinner Pudding had missed, after all. She could always have it later. The portions… no time to worry about that too.

He sprinted through the chateau, all the while somehow trying to keep the food from being jostled too much. However, when he made it to Pudding’s room, the stupid talking door would not let him in, saying that Pudding was busy.

Busy? Busy with what? With who?

For a moment, Sanji felt a little fear creep into his heart and considered returning later. If one or more of Big Mum’s other children was inside… No, he had every right to be there, as the bridegroom. He could always say he wanted to discuss the wedding, or… other private matters. His mind wandered a little at the thought, but he shook himself out of it. More important matters are at hand.

Pudding’s room had a window overlooking the balcony. He could take a quick look inside to see what’s going on inside before deciding what to do next. As he got closer, he heard laughter. His heart lightened a little. It doesn’t seem like she was busy with something too serious. Maybe he could get her to let him in through the window—

It was then that Sanji discovered that the girl he thought to be his single source of hope in this whole ordeal was, in truth, poison coated in deceivingly sweet layers of custard.

*VS*VS*VS*VS*

He visited Reiju in the infirmary, after making sure to immobilize the guard outside. He told her, with his head held in his hands, about what he’d overheard Pudding say. In turn she revealed to him his bracelets were fake, and told him to flee immediately.

“It’s truly a pity for our brothers, but at this point, death would be more merciful than this sad excuse of a life they’ve been living,” Reiju said.

“What do you mean?” Sanji asked.

“Remember what you asked me before, if they ever act unusual sometimes?”

“Yes,” he replied, immediately straightening up. That had slipped his mind in the confusion. “Actually, I just saw them act weird again. They… they told me Baratie is not in danger.” As he talked more and more words rushed out, “… Ichiji’s not wearing his sunglasses. Niji too. And he wanted food. And they didn’t call it rat fodder…”

Reiju smiled sadly, listening to him ramble.

“I don’t know if you remember,” she interrupted, her voice soft, “Every once in a while you managed to keep up just a bit better…”

“I do!” Sanji almost shouted, “I think… I thought… I thought they weren’t terrible to me if I can do well, and I tried so hard, and…”

The memories that he thought he’d forgotten floated back to the surface. Now that he spoke it out loud, he did vaguely recall that those three were ‘different’ on the days that he thought he didn’t fall so far behind. He remembered the flash of memory from the day before, of successfully putting up a proper fight in swordsmanship class. He was beginning to remember other moments too, like occasionally tying with Niji or Yonji during track running.

“…but it wasn’t ever good enough in the end,” he said, looking at Reiju. “And that wasn’t even why they’re like that, was it?”

His older sister then told him the story of their mother, how she fought Vinsmoke Judge over his insane plans, and how she took a drug concoction that destroyed her body in desperate attempt to save her children.

“The drug she took took effect on all of you, but only you were born as a regular human being,” Reiju said. “Those three… On those days that they changed, it’s not that you did better, it’s because they’re the ones who lost their abilities.”

“Lost their abilities?" he echoed. "What do you mean? How?”

“I don’t know. Their enhancements would just regularly come and go without warning. In the end, they weren’t the perfect war machines that father wanted, but they weren’t regular humans either. Those brief moments were probably the closest thing to ‘normal’ they could ever be.” Reiju sighed. “As I said, Sanji, death would be more merciful to them. Living this kind of halfway existence is not really living. Escape and let Germa be destroyed. It’s the only thing we deserve.”

*VS*VS*VS*VS*

Sanji left the infirmary with his mind in a fog. When Yonji showed him the manufactured Germa soldiers, he had been sick to the core, but never in his imaginations did he expect Judge to be so… so insane as to do that to his own wife and unborn children. Had it not been for mother’s sacrifice, Sanji himself might have been…no, even with what mother did, if anything had gone differently, it might have been Ichiji or Niji or Yonji in his place. Sanji would have been on the side doing the tormenting, then, and he’d never have been any the wiser.

What a horrible thought.

The blond slumped to the floor. Those three… He had always thought of them inhuman monsters, and knowing that he’d been mostly right didn’t give him any satisfaction. They didn’t become like that willingly, did they? Something had been ripped out of them before they were even fully conscious, and they could only live on with whatever mangled mess of their hearts that were left.

“This is just how we are”, they had said. That really had been the truth, after all. In all these time he’d been half convinced that he had dreamed up those moments were they were decent, or if they’d been pulling a trick him, but no—it was truly their nature, and he didn’t know if it was possible for them to be any different. 

Ever since he was hauled away from Zou, he despised the constant reminder he faced that he still had blood ties to the Vinsmoke family. It made him feel like he was smothered in thick sludge, weighed down and dirty at the same time. That interaction earlier, though, in the kitchen... It had been truly bizarre, but he had to admit—it wasn’t all bad.

Ichiji revealed the truth about the Baratie and they offered to let him call the restaurant. His heart lurched. Were they… trying to make him feel better? Niji and Yonji called him brother, too, like it was the most obvious thing in the world.  There was no mocking, no berating—it just was.

Sanji didn’t dare hope—tried to force himself not to think—because he knew it would only hurt all the more, but he couldn’t stop that little voice inside that told him maybe they were trying to be his family, in the only way they knew how. Perhaps the faintest glimpse of what might have been, if life was much kinder to all of them.

He pulled at his hair. Maybe Reiju did have a point, that death would be mercy compared to this kind of warped state of living. Besides, even if he wanted to do anything about Big Mum’s plot, there was nothing he could do.

A lumpy looking individual came waddling by just then and snatched a piece of meat from his food basket. In a flash he remembered Luffy declaring he would starve to death if Sanji doesn’t return to feed him.

That stubborn rubber man always meant every word he said.

Sanji kicked away the greedy lump, took back the meat, and fled the scene.

Making sure all of the crew made it out of there safely was what he’d initially set out to do after all. First, he needed to find Luffy. Then, feed Luffy. After that, the Mugiwara captain could probably manage on his own. Sanji would deal with whatever were to follow as they came.

[to be continued]

*VS*VS*VS*VS*

It's my first attempt at writing something that is a little longer. I hope you enjoy.

[humanitys-strongest-bamf]

Reunions | #LeviMonth2024 Hurt/Comfort Oneshot

✧ word count ➼ ~1.5k ✧ notes ➼ canonverse to modern!au, i was sad as i wrote this ✧ comments ➼ levi month entry for august 31! was a fun event, and was a nice way to dip my toe into writing again after only posting smutty rambles for a few months dkfjksdfj ✧ content/warnings ➼ graphic depiction of injury, death, blood, canonverse-typical violence, levi ackerman suffering when he deserves so much better >:(

{{ August 28 (Crime + Secret Relationship Part 2) }} Masterlist

You vaguely heard someone calling out your name.

"_____! _____, can you hear me?!"

Your head bobbed to the side as you slowly peeled your eyes open. Your vision was blurry and your hearing was muffled. Your body felt numb and you felt like you couldn't move a muscle.

"...L...L-Levi-" you weakly mumbled, your voice barely audible as you attempted to call out to him. Blood was dripping out of your nose and mouth, and you had a nasty stomach wound that resulted in you losing an alarming amount of blood. There were multiple lacerations on your body that had resulted from you getting thrown across the river after straying too close to a Thunder Spear that hadn't been secured in place.

Hearing your voice, Levi's heart swelled with relief. You were alive, and that was all that mattered for now. He gently cupped your face in his hands, wiping away the blood that was dripping down your face.

"I'm here," he reassured you, barely able to conceal the panic harboring within. "I'm going to get you out of here. Just hold on."

Your body was limp as Levi threaded his arms underneath your knees and shoulders, lifting you off the ground. Your breathing was unsteady and raspy, and you were unable to even hold yourself up as you rested your head against his chest, taking what little comfort you could from the sound of his heart beat.

Once he finally got you out of the debris that was scattered around from the explosion, he set you down carefully onto the bed of grass, immediately scanning the area for anything that could possibly help to treat your wounds until he could get you to the infirmary.

Given the fact that you were in the forest and away from any major villages, there wasn't much he could do. He eventually ripped off his cloak, pressing the cloth against your stomach wound in an attempt to stem the bleeding.

"You're going to be okay," he promised, his voice steady despite the fear that threatened to overwhelm him. "You're going to make it out of here."

A part of you already knew that it was too late. You were beginning to drift off into unconsciousness, and you knew that if you fell asleep, then you likely would not wake back up. You had lost too much blood.

"...'m...I-I'm sorry-" you mumbled, your words slurred and barely comprehensible.

"Don't you dare apologize," Levi snapped, his emotions finally rising up to the surface. He hated seeing you like this—vulnerable and in pain.

He leaned down, pressing his lips to your forehead, already knowing that there was nothing else he could do. His grip on you tightened, with some naive part of him hoping that some miracle would happen.

Pulling away, he looked into your eyes, willing you to stay with him.

"Please, _____," he pleaded, his voice barely above a whisper. "Don't leave me."

He didn't know what he would do without you, and the thought of a future without you by his side was unbearable.

Levi brushed a stray lock of hair away from your face, his touch gentle despite the anger and sadness that threatened to consume him. He wasn't ever going to forgive himself for failing to protect you.

You used the last of your energy to force out a half-hearted smile, before finally giving into the numbness, your eyes glazing over.

As your body went limp against him, Levi felt as though his entire world had come crashing down around him. He held you close, the tears prickling the corners of his eyes as he silently mourned the loss of the person he loved more than anything else in the world.

"...don't leave me," he repeated, his voice breaking with grief. He knew that there was nothing he could do to bring you back, but that knowledge did nothing to ease the pain that was tearing him apart.

~~~~~

Levi's eyes snapped open as he heard the sound of leaves and branches moving around him.

He had fallen asleep against the tree that he had been leaning on, and he knew that it was because his insomnia was particularly bad from the previous night.

The rustling of the leaves around him wasn't odd for a hiking trail. It was fall, so the weather was nice enough that everyone was wanting to get outside for a final chance to enjoy the sunshine before the winter settled in.

However, he had purposefully wandered off the trail after shaking off some of his more noisy colleagues, needing some time to himself to sit in the peace and quiet.

Levi looked over with a frown on his face as he heard someone walk towards him, not wanting to be bothered. He had assumed it was Hange coming to drag him back onto the trail. Yet, he was only able to blink in astonishment instead as you ran past him, chasing down a squirrel that had snuck up on you and ran off with your lunch.

You hadn't met before. He hadn't even seen you before, yet you seemed familiar. He felt like he knew you, but he couldn't recall your name or how you had met. He certainly met a lot of people while working at the local clinic, but he felt like he would've certainly remembered your name if you felt this familiar to him.

You immediately froze once you noticed that he had opened his eyes, suddenly forgetting about the squirrel that had snagged your sandwich from you just moments ago.

"...did I wake you up?" you whispered quietly.

"Nope," he responded in a flat and nonchalant tone.

You found yourself feeling relieved for just a split second before realizing that he wouldn't have been able to respond had he still been asleep. Your small smile immediately turned into an unamused frown as you stared at him, annoyed that you had actually fallen for his comment.

"...you're hurt," he suddenly muttered.

You blinked at him in confusion for a split second before following his gaze towards your forearm, where there was a shallow, but not insignificant scratch poking out from under your sleeve.

"Oh, this?" you remarked nervously, pulling down your sleeve to conceal it. "...it's fine, I just stumbled into some of the branches on the way here, chasing this damned..."

You trailed off as you looked around you, only now remembering your original purpose for straying this far off the main trail.

The squirrel was gone—and so was your lunch.

It was a small cut, and one that probably would have been fine had you just covered it up and dealt with it later, but Levi felt the compulsion to help you, as if it was born out of some sense of duty that he had failed to accomplish before.

"Should probably still patch it up so it doesn't get infected," he noted, pushing himself off the ground, and making his way towards you.

You felt your pulse quicken upon seeing him approach. There was something familiar about him, and some part of you felt like you had a lot of things left unsaid to him even though you had never actually met before.

"There's a check-in post nearby," he announced, motioning over towards the other side of the clearing. "They probably have a first-aid kit of some sort."

"O-Oh, there's really no need," you stated with a nervous chuckle, taking a step back and nervously scratching at your head as you tried to hide how flustered you actually were by him.

"And they'll help you find your way back to the trail."

The nervous look on your face turned into a slightly embarrassed pout once he announced that he knew that you were lost.

You barely noticed the small smirk he shot in your direction before he gestured for you to walk with him as he began to lead the way.

Still weirded out by that odd feeling of familiarity, you stood still without moving, staring at him as you tried to piece together what exactly it was that felt so comforting about him.

"You coming?" he eventually called out without turning around.

You were initially hesitant, distracted by your own confusion, but eventually nodded with a small 'mhm', doing a slight jog to catch up with him.

"Uhm, can I get your name?" you asked curiously as you walked next to him.

"...Levi," he eventually responded, glancing over towards you

"Levi fits you," you noted with a nod.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah!" you confirmed with a slight shrug. "I dunno, if I had to guess your name, Levi would have probably been somewhere on that list."

He looked at you with curiosity in his eyes, clearly enjoying the banter, as mild as it was.

You began to open your mouth to announce your own name, but Levi interrupted you, with the two of you having arrived at the outpost.

"You can tell me as we get you patched up."

#: @shayewrites @littlerequiem @i-lev-you @humanitys-strongest-brat @mostlilo @dustbuniesworld @levisrations @ebechnasheim @moonchild-angel @jayteacups @bipolargatto @samackermaan @deepzombieyouth @levkuna @levisfavoriteteashop @ackermanswifee @ae-chidori @2dsimpomg @anti-cupid

[theartistisme43]

Chapter Two: The Smell of Copper and Disinfectant

HOSPITAL, BLOOD, PANIC ATTACK, AND GUN MENTION TW:

There was a dense ringing in SMG4’s ears as he floated in a void of numbness, he could hear a distant beep every now and then, and muffled, discombobulated talking…

4 didn’t know where he was, or what was happening… Every time he tried to figure it out, something pulled him into a deeper rest, but he could feel himself getting closer to a light every time he attempted to gather his thoughts.

All he remembered was creating tomato soop, and then… Nothing.

4 tried to get out of whatever state he was in, but he felt trapped and unable to move, as if he was being weighed down by something, almost like…

Sleep paralysis?…

Was he asleep?

The more he thought of it, the more he could hear, the more he could feel, the more he could think.

Just like a knife, memory cut into him.

“I’m sorry, I have to do this…”

BANG!

With a gasp, SMG4 shot up in bed, making Mario almost fall back with a gasp of his own.

4’s eyes refocused as his mind began to process where he was, as they tiredly scanned the area around him.

All of his friends were here, scattered around in his hospital room.

Just as 4 intended to speak, a sharp, horrible pain made him hiss in reaction. He looked down, seeing a gauze pad that was secured by tight bandages wrapped around his chest and back to hold it in place. 4 could feel how tender his skin was under the medical wraps.

“…wh…” He found his voice as he winced hard.

A gloved hand took his, as Mario looked at him with love in his eyes… And an air of sorrow to them too.

“Miei cari Quattro... ero così preoccupata!” The red plumber embraced him, avoiding his wound.

SMG4 enjoyed the hug for a moment, but wondered what all the fuss was about, he couldn’t remember what happened for some reason… Did he have a kitchen accident or something?

“SMG4!” Meggy exclaimed, coming to hug him too. “You’re awake!”

4 attempted to use his right arm to pat her back, but it hurt far too much for him to move it, so he used his left to do it instead.

“What happened?” 4’s question made almost everyone in the room uncomfortable, as a few of his friends avoided looking at him.

Meggy sighed, willing herself to say… Something bad from what 4 could gather from her face.

“SMG4… Do you… Not remember?” She asked softly.

“No, please tell me..” 4 said. “I can handle it, whatever it is..”

“SMG4.” Meggy began, brows furrowing. “SMG3 shot you…”

4 paled, the ringing in his ears returned as his heart began pounding.

Like a train, feelings of grief, betrayal, and heartbreak came hurtling into him.

Now he could remember.

SMG3’s eyes were cold and empty, the way his face looked was like something straight out of a horror movie.

SMG4 tried to brush it off by mentioning his newest meme, but 3 didn’t care, merely raising his gun with the intention of killing 4.

And he shot him.

Watching him bleed out as he lost consciousness…

SMG4 was hyperventilating as he clutched himself, suffering through a panic attack as the previous day’s events became clear.

The very person he had come to trust, come to love, stabbed him in the back. And why? Because he got bored of being good? Because being evil was much easier for him?

“SMG4, it’s going to be okay…” Meggy tried to vocally help him through his attack, but all of the emotions he felt were relentless.

SMG4’s brain couldn’t register anything as a monsoon of thoughts and questions rendered all of his senses useless.

His fingers were practically digging into his skin as his chest heaved, eyes staring into nothing.

All 4 could see in his mind was SMG3’s terrifying expression as he watched him lay there helpless, his own blood pooling around him.

But suddenly… He was encased in warmth, a safe feeling he had felt many times.

Mario held SMG4 close, letting him clutch at his shirt as to not damage himself anymore, like the other times he helped him through past panic attacks.

The meme guardian rode the aftermath of his attack, coming back to reality with heavy yet softer breaths.

“There we are…” Mario muttered. “I got you.”

4 had pushed his body too hard, his ribs hurt slightly from his rapid sharp breaths, and this didn’t help with his still tender injury.

Mario saw something in 4’s eyes fade.. He didn’t know if it was exhaustion, or… Hope leaving him.

As 4 returned to sleep, Mario still held his hand, his heart breaking as he watched someone who was so full of life feel so defeated…

“Gli farò pagare la pena per averti ferito, Quattro, te lo prometto. Non avrò pace finché non lo troveranno..”

Mario had tried to whisper only loud enough for 4 to hear, but his quiet promise was understood by his green brother.

Luigi looked on in concern, as he watched his twin brother begin a tread down a darker path... Grief considered, he wanted 3 to pay for this too, but this just wasn't right... This wasn't Mario.

"Come on guys." Meggy whispered. "Let's let SMG4 rest."

Their friend group had quietly, one by one, left the room, but Luigi stayed put. He joined his brother's side, placing a kind and comforting hand onto Mario's own.

Hurt, angry, tired eyes glanced down, and then up to Luigi's face.

Luigi looked back with a soft and concerned look in his, as Mario silently brought his hand down to his side, away from Luigi's hand.

It would be a fight to get Mario back, but Luigi was willing to do whatever it took to save his brother from his own rage.

"Sono qui anche per te, Mario. Non dimenticarlo mai..."

[snickerdoodie]

“Need you now”

Summary: The Tornado Wranglers weren’t known for staying in one place for longer than a few days; too many storms to chase, fans to see, family’s to help. It required constant movement and you knew that, but it was never easy for you or Tyler.

Pairing: Tyler Owen’s x f!reader

A/N: Funny story about this fic, I actually based it on my grandma and late grandpa. It makes me so teary eyed every time she tells me the story but I love it sm😭. I’m not even gonna lie, I didn’t really know if I wanted to post this cuz it just…felt like it didn’t turn out right. Feel free to listen to the song while reading, it’s “Need You Now” by Lady A. Not proofread, per usual. But I hope you guys like it!

“Picture perfect memories, scattered all around the floor

Reaching for the phone, 'cause I can't fight it any more

And I wonder if I ever cross your mind

For me, it happens all the time”

You knew what you were getting yourself into when you started dating Tyler Owen’s; a famous YouTuber, Tornado Wrangler, and an overall state superstar and hero, but nothing prepared you for all this. The waiting, the longing, the empty bed side, the constant anxiety that maybe today was the day he wouldn’t come home from a chase, it was all awful.

And here you were again, laying in bed alone, tucked in the shriveled up covers and blankets staring blankly at the brain dead tv show with nothing but numbness. It’s been 2 weeks since you’ve last seen and heard from Tyler, with every passing day you miss the toothy grin, his warm, strong embrace. You miss it all. It’s like they say; you never know how much something means to you until it’s gone, and right now, you couldn’t miss him more.

Too busy caught up in your thoughts, you barely process the blaring sound of your cell phone going off. Someone was calling you. In a slumped up ball of blankets, you lazily pick up the phone and glance at the caller ID, not expecting the man you missed most to be the face you see. A wave of emotion hits you at the photo. It was a selfie of the two of you cuddled up in the gleaming sunlight by the bed of a lake. Clothes damp and hair wet, you both decided to bask in the blaring sunbeams as a way to dry off and stay warm.

As hastily is possible, you hit the green accept button. With shaking hands and a wobbly smile, you bring it up to your ear, not even registering the sweet muffled melody coming through the other end.

“Oh my god, Tyler,” you blurt, voice nearly scratchy, “God, I’ve missed you so much…I-“ It’s only when you stop to take a breath that you hear it.

“It's a quarter after one, I'm all alone and I need you now

Said I wouldn't call, but I've lost all control and I need you now

And I don't know how I can do without, I just need you now,”

As you feel your throat close up and eyes brim with tears, you stay silent. In your blindness to hear Tyler’s voice again, you completely missed the pianos intro, deaf to the lyrics all together. But once you hear the chorus, you melt away. The once welled up tears cascade down your cheeks like a broken dam; no matter how many you wipe away they keep falling. The swelling of your chest becomes nearly painful, trying to hold back the choked sobs that threaten to escape, but it’s a lost cause.

In one last hope, you put the phone on speaker and bring your legs up to your chest, burying your head between your knees as one of your hands holds the cell up. Just as you do, a blubbering whimper travels from your throat as a sob follows it soon after. As the song continues to flow around the room, the quiet but definite wails carry on, an unstoppable sound that breaks Tyler’s heart through the staticky reception of the call.

Minutes pass by as your weeping slows to small sniffles, eyes closed as you focus on the last remaining lyrical bits of the song.

“Guess I'd rather hurt than feel nothin' at all,”

You don’t trust yourself to speak, the emotions still raw and twirling in your mind, a powerful force that only one person can tame.

“Hey baby...”

You nearly burst into another onslaught of tears at the sound of his voice. It’s quiet and nearly as syrupy as your own, and unbeknownst to you, Tyler had too, lost himself at the sound of you. How could he not? With every twister he went through, he always thought one thing; What if doesn’t come home? What if this is the one that finally takes the Tornado Wrangler down, leaving you with nothing to mourn over. The thought alone gave him goosebumps.

“Tyler..” you whimper, chest swelling at the relief of hearing him once again.

“I don’t even know how to start tellin’ you how nice it is to hear your voice again…god I’ve missed you, sweetheart,” With a smile, you repeat back.

“I’ve missed you too, Tyler…I miss you being here with me..” If you close your eyes tight enough, you can really picture him here with you. His breath winding down your neck as his stubble pricks the side of your face. The smell of his cologne mixing in with the scent of your perfume. Listening closely, you hear shuffling then a deep breath, before he finally speaks,

“I’m coming home soon, baby, I promise you I am.”

“I just need you now,

Oh, baby, I need you now.”

Three posts in one day?!? A new record for me. Lmfao I actually wrote this one today and had a crisis if I wanted to post it or not. I know this song is about heartbreak and wanting someone back after they’ve left…but I wanted to try and make it about longing, like the story my grandma always tells me. I hope you guys like this fic! I honestly might rewrite it on a later date, but I was kinda texting the waters with it. As always, comment if you liked or disliked something, inbox is still open!

[whumpwillow]

on writing trauma

Note: I don’t have any experience with this personally (though I do have a degree in psychology, which is still such a wild thing to say tbh) this is just research that I’ve done into the topic. I’ve tried to get everything correct so as to not offend anyone, and as always, not everyone’s experience will be the same, so this is just a general information starting point. 

Symptoms: 

Insomnia Decreased concentration Loss of interest Irritability Depression Memory problems Nightmares Flashbacks Hypervigilance Mistrust Panic attacks Self-destructive behavior Loss of sense of “who I am” Outbursts of anger Withdrawing from people Difficulty connecting with people Fatigue Lethargy Mood fluctuations / mood swings

Feelings:

Hopelessness Numbness Shame Worthlessness Intense fear of loss and abandonment Suspicious & untrusting Demotivated & drained of energy Judgmental of self and others Emotionally cut off Scattered and distracted Self-sabotaging Negative & pessimistic Self-critical Feeling on guard all the time Empty 

Thoughts: 

“No one can be trusted” “Everyone will hurt you” “Everyone cheats or is dishonest” “Sharing your feelings will result in losing people” Belief that you are not safe and will never be safe

emotions associated with trauma:

shame anxiety depression suspicion unease desperation overwhelm

—

[green-eyedfirework]

Slade mates Dick for bureaucratic reasons but then Dick’s body thinks he’s unclaimed.

~#~

Dick felt like he was moving through soup, hot and sticky all over.  His hair was stuck to his skin and his mouth was dry, his whole body aching faintly.  The worst soreness was the deep cramp inside of him, a fullness with clenching tremors that danced on the edge of painful.

He registered the squelching noise right before the curious numbness between his legs, and the rest of the dominos fell swiftly after that.  His legs, folded and braced above him, the fingers clenching against his waist, the rocking motion in tune to the cramping deep inside him, the warmth in him, around him, everywhere.  The thick, powerful, choking scent of alpha arousal.

He was naked.  Bare skin pressed against bare skin as Dick—as Dick was fucked, that's what this was, there was something inside him, rocking so deep he felt like his insides had been rearranged.  He couldn't help the shocked, hoarse whine as the cock jammed inside him, pressing at parts beginning to wake up, and he was met with a low alpha rumble.

Dick had to fight to get his eyes open, they felt like they'd been glued shut, confusion and panic rising ever higher, and managed to crack them open to see the alpha looming over him, on his knees with Dick half in his lap.

The confusion receded at the sight of the silver hair and scarred eye.  The terror surged.

Slade thrust forward a few more times before he stilled, warmth pooling every higher inside Dick, and what few fragments of scattered thought he had coalesced into the urge to flee.

Dick had thought—Slade had said—he didn't remember what happened, everything was a haze, all he could remember was the heat—this wasn't his room, this wasn't his nest—where were his siblings—what was going on—

Dick didn't bother trying to ask questions.  If Slade hadn't noticed he'd woken up, he would soon, and Dick moved.

His legs were braced on Slade's shoulders and Dick yanked them back, trying to kick Slade in the chest to push him away.  His hands scrabbled at the sheets—the wet sheets, fuck, how long had Dick been out, how long had Slade fucked his body like all that mattered was an open hole—his voice dropping to a hiss as he struggled.

It was a testament to Slade's distraction that Dick got one foot against his sternum before the mercenary reacted.  Fingers wrapped around his ankle, yanking Dick's legs apart again, and Slade drove them back, pressing down relentlessly to fold Dick in half.  Dick tried to lash out with hands—they wouldn't even curl into fists, they were so weak, and Slade had to let go of his knees to grab his wrists.

"Dick," Slade growled, pinning him down, but Dick's legs were now free and he tried to kick out again.  "Dick."  Dick snarled at him, angry and wordless, fear beginning to fracture into too many emotions to control.  "Dick, stop fighting!"

If Slade wanted an omega who just laid back and took it, he'd chosen the wrong one.

Slade growled, loud and sharp, and some part of Dick still caught up in heat haze flinched back at the sound, but Dick had spent years training to fight those instincts, and he kept writhing.  Something inside him jerked painfully as he tried to slide up the sheets, though, and Dick's jolt of realization was overtaken by Slade bending down and latching onto the side of his neck.

The bite hurt.  Dick felt himself go limp as Slade's teeth dug against his collarbone, holding him in place and not letting go.  It was worse than the claiming because Slade was pressed against every inch of him, pinning Dick thoroughly, from his fingers on Dick's wrists to his knot inside Dick.

There was something thick and hot in Dick's throat and it was quietly choking him.

His eyes prickled and no amount of furious blinking could stop the tears trickling down the side of his face.  He could smell his heat scent growing fainter, replaced with the quietly bitter scent of misery.  He took a breath and it came out strangled.

Slade released the bite.  Dick took a fuller breath, muscles working again, but Slade stayed where he was, breath puffing against Dick's neck, a clear threat if he tried to fight again.  Dick stayed still and squeezed his eyes shut, trying not to let his breath hitch.  Fuck if he'd let Slade know how much it hurt to know how completely he'd miscalculated.

"Deep breaths, little bird," Slade murmured, voice soft.  "Calm down."  Dick imagined stabbing a knife into the man's remaining eye.  "You'll hurt yourself if you try to move now."

Oh, Dick would hurt himself, not Slade's knot would fucking tear him open if he tried to jerk away.

"Dick?"  Slade's voice sounded so gentle.  Such a lie.

"Fuck you," Dick tried to snarl, but it came out broken and half a whimper and Dick ducked his head against his arm as Slade lifted up to see him.

He couldn't hide it, not entirely, and Slade made a soft sound, one hand letting go of Dick's wrists to brush the tear tracks on his face.  "I'm sorry, little bird," Slade said slowly, "I had to—"

Dick jerked his head back to glare up at Slade, cheeks puffy and eyes still wet.  "Had to?" he repeated, voice as low as he could get it, chest heaving and rage-fury-betrayal running through his veins.  "Keeping your cock in your fucking pants is beyond Deathstroke the Terminator's infamous skillset?"

Slade looked down at him, face impassive and jaw tight.  "Will you let me explain," he said evenly, voice clipped.

"Explain?!"  Dick's voice broke on the screech and, to his horror, it cracked completely, his entire body trembling as he failed to control it.  He tried to take a deep breath and suppress the tears, but it broke halfway through and he dissolved fully into sobs.

"Dick," Slade said, quiet and full of expertly feigned remorse, and he let go of Dick's wrists completely to instead wrap an arm around Dick's waist.  Dick let him, seeing no point in trying to attack a superpowered mercenary with his fucking knot still tying them together, and Slade shifted position, rolling onto his side and pulling Dick with him.

Dick ended up half on top of Slade, half tucked against his side, and he burrowed his head against Slade's shoulder as the tears dripped down.  He couldn't stop shaking, and as much as he hated it, the soft circles Slade was rubbing against his back were helping to lull him into calmness.  Complacency.  Stupid fucking omega hindbrain quieting with a noseful of Slade's scent.

"I'm sorry," Slade repeated, keeping up the quiet strokes.  "I didn't want to.  I made you a promise and I intended to keep it."  Dick snorted wetly and sniffled.  "You were dying, Dick," Slade said softly.

A jolt of alarm shot through Dick.  What.  "And you decided to see if you had a healing cock?" Dick snapped back, rigid and tense.

Slade exhaled.  "Ever heard of bond rejection?" he asked.

"What?"

"Bond rejection—sometimes an unstable claiming can lead to bond rejection, where the body of the claimed person believes that the claim is unfinished and seeks to rectify that."  Dick was slowly going cold—the rush of dizziness and fatigue after the bite, his unexpected heat, when it wasn't supposed to be for another month, the way he felt so much worse than normal—"Long story short, your heat was getting worse and worse, so we called the doctor.  She diagnosed you with bond rejection."

Dick swallowed.  He—he remembered feeling sick.  Tim's worried face.  Jason trying to soothe the pain that wracked aching muscles.

"The only way to stop it was to stabilize the claim."

Which meant completing the mating.  Something cold and unpleasant was roiling in his stomach, but Dick couldn't deny that he was feeling better. 

No nausea, no headache, no fever burning through him.  The unnatural warmth was dissipating too, replaced with the coolness of sweat drying.  He felt as weak as a newborn kitten, but he also felt more clearheaded than he'd been in days.

"I'm sorry," Slade repeated against his hair, keeping Dick tucked firmly against him.  "There was no other way."

Dick took a shaky breath and didn't answer.  But he also didn't try to push Slade away.

[hamsterclaw]

Weighted

You don’t know if you needed Namjoon, but he comes to you anyway. Part of the Love AU, read the rest here.

Pairing: Namjoon x afab! reader

Warnings: Sex, swearing, mention of self-harm

Rating: 18+

Word count: 1.1k

There are weighted days, like today, when the world sweeps by outside your window and you feel inconsequential.

Your presence is irrelevant, you’re a speck of matter in the universe, and it doesn’t make a blind bit of difference whether you are here or not.

You’re curled up in the duvet you dragged from your bed, scattering the clutter on your coffee table in its synthetic wake, face pressed to the glass.

The height of your apartment makes you feel a vertiginous swoop in your insides as you take in the city below you.

You’re too numb to feel anything but the basics. Hot, cold, hard, soft. Higher emotions escape you when you’re like this.

There’s a buzzing of your intercom that you’re trying to ignore.

It’s probably some parcel with something you thought you needed before you’ve come to know better.

Nothing can fill the void.

The sound of a key in the lock makes you groan and pull the duvet over your head.

There’s only one person with a key to your apartment, and it’s not a fuckboy that you need right now.

The door opens and you don’t look, buried under the textural swirls of your duvet, a sea of ivory.

There’s a few steps, the clatter of keys in the dish in your hallway.

Now he learns to put his keys in the right place.

One divorce too late.

The footsteps stop right next to you but you keep your eyes tightly closed, so tight the firebursts behind your eyelids are blinding anyway.

Kim Namjoon sighs, the impatience he puts in the sound making you feel the first emotion you’ve felt in days.

It’s anger.

You try to push it away but it burns bright.

‘Did you slit your wrists under there?’ he asks. He pats the fluffy bulk enclosing you half-heartedly.

‘Take any pills?’ he continues.

Like the anger, Namjoon is getting difficult to ignore.

You pull the covers off, head surfacing from the softness, re-entering the world where everything is too bright, too loud and too goddamn annoying.

‘Do you need something Namjoon?’ you ask, flat.

He doesn’t answer at first, eyes scanning your face.

Finally he says, ‘Need a fuck?’

You blink up at him.

Namjoon sighs again. ‘When did you last eat?’

He doesn’t wait for an answer this time, turning and heading in the direction of your tiny kitchenette.

There’s unnecessarily aggressive clanging of pots, even the hiss of the kettle seems louder, a scream of discontent cutting through the fog of your detachment.

Your traitorous stomach rumbles, but you can’t bring yourself to get up and go to the kitchen.

You close your eyes instead.

When you dip back into the world, Namjoon’s sitting on your couch.

‘I’m not heating this up again, so you’d better eat,’ he says, not looking at you.

It feels like you can’t move, the heaviness of everything presses you down.

Eventually, Namjoon gets up and sits next to you on the window seat.

‘Open,’ he says, holding out a mouthful of noodles.

It’s too big, he always makes each forkful the size he would eat himself, like he hasn’t noticed that you eat smaller bites.

It’s delicious though.

You wipe the drip of broth off your chin on your t-shirt, and to his credit, he doesn’t even blink.

Namjoon scans channels on your TV whilst he feeds you, you can hear snippets behind your head.

Canned laughter, classical piano, tension and an explosion.

Namjoon sets the empty bowl down.

‘Want to take a shower, baby?’ he asks.

His tone is gentle, coaxing.

‘You’ll feel better.’

He places a warm hand on the small of your back, leading you to your bathroom.

You’re not wearing much but he helps you out of your clothes anyway, puts the shower on.

His clothes land heavily on the floor, the denim of his jeans solid against the tiles.

He tests the water, tugs you in next to him, shielding you from the fall of water with his own body.

There’s the squirt of soap, then his warm hands smoothing over your shoulders, brushing over the rounds of your breasts.

Your nipples harden under his palms, there’s no way he hasn’t noticed, but he carries on, hands kneading your back.

He’s semi-hard, you note distantly, his cock rising a little away from his body as he cleans you.

He reaches between your legs, thumb over your clit, fingers sliding along your folds. You arch your back a little, and his cock hardens even more.

Namjoon kneels to slide soap down your thighs, behind your knees, and you put your hand on his shoulder to steady yourself.

When he comes back up he’s fully hard, cock pressing into your belly.

You curl your hand around him instinctively, and you both watch the head of his cock appearing and disappearing in your fist as you stroke him.

Namjoon wraps his hand around yours, uses his other hand to turn the water off.

‘Let’s dry off,’ is all he says.

He wraps you in a towel, grabs one for himself.

The way he tents the terrycloth makes your mouth water.

Lust joins anger in your newly re-acquired library of emotions, and the combination of both is so acutely Namjoon in your experience that you revel in the familiarity of it.

Namjoon dries you off in front of your mirror, and you both watch as he plays with your breasts until you’re breathless.

He spreads your legs, delves his fingers in between, shows you your own arousal coating his fingers.

He’s dropped the towel, his cock nudges between your ass cheeks, the promise of filling you up tantalising.

Namjoon tugs you onto your bed, grabs a pillow, slips it under your hips.

‘Watch,’ he says, voice velvety.

His cock juts from him now, full and hard and seeking, as he lifts your hips and pushes into you.

You grasp the sheets underneath you as he fills you, his hardness thick and hot.

Namjoon snaps his hips forward, and you moan.

‘That’s it,’ he says, his voice thick, slurred. ‘Show me that you like it, baby.’

‘Come close,’ you pant, and he dips his torso so you can curl an arm around his shoulders, hold on to him whilst he fucks you so well everything else falls away from this moment.

There’s nothing but the slap of his sex against yours, his mouth on yours when he finally decides to kiss you, the hot spill of his cum inside you as your cunt contracts to take him, over and over.

There’s nothing but Namjoon, and you, and fuck what a mess you both have made.

‘Happy anniversary, baby,’ he says, face buried in your hair.

There’s the prick of tears in your eyes that you blink away before he can see.

Then, the third emotion, always inextricably linked with Kim Namjoon in your mind.

Sadness, lingering long after the anger and the lust have gone.

[3hks]

I write fanfics but I was wondering if you could give some tips for writing angst? Or like just how to write angst in general

Thanks in advance if you do

-anon

Yes, of course! I LOVE angst so much, so thank you for asking! There's a lot of different types of angst, so I'll briefly go over several and give you some advice on how to make it hurt!

First of all, let's talk about the two different types of angst briefly (I'm sure there are more, but I think these two categories cover most of them!). In the first half, I'll roughly cover the internal/emotional one, which is pretty much a one-man-show for angst!

Let's start with the emotions involved with this group. There are a few key feelings--besides depression--that you'll want to be able to utilize because they are the foundation of good angst!

Emptiness: Not necessarily sad, but it's emotion where there's nothing except for a hint of melancholy and perhaps loneliness or a lack of fulfillment.

Numbness: In all honesty, numbness is essentially the same as emptiness but it's usually the result of another emotion. (Grief, shock, stress, etc.)

Regret/Guilt: This hurts A LOT. The feeling of regret for something you did/didn't do is incomparable. Painful reflections, agonizing over a sorrowful mistake, and being forced to accept it knowing there's no going back is absolutely HEARTBREAKING--which is why it makes good angst!

Loneliness: Being isolated and/or feeling alone makes one feel disconnected from everyone else. This is a common factor in depression.

Self-Hate: A traditional one; nothing hurts more than seeing a character beat themselves up when they shouldn't.

Despair: The feeling of excessive hopelessness leaves your character feeling powerless and in a metaphorical sense, drowning.

Internal angst can create highly pensive situations while involving one person! Thus, first person point of view or third person limited (to the character) is the best option because focuses and highlights the character. Not to mention, thoughts are crucial to angst for it offers insight to their person and obviously, first person is the best at accomplishing that goal, but third person limited can also achieve a similar effect!

Next, there's the romantic/platonic type of angst. This not only relies on the emotions and thoughts of the characters, but is also subjective to the situation they're in, which means there's more freedom to explore around! Again, let's look at some emotions that are commonly used!

Hate: Hate is frequently found in problematic and/or toxic romance tropes. Sometimes it could be one-sided hate, where one resents the other, but the other holds absolutely no hate, and sometimes it's mutual animosity.

Fear: This fear is typically along the lines of being afraid of rejection, so much so that it feels difficult to make a decision and progress forward. Fear can easily delve into anxiety.

Longing: Unrequited love hurts a lot, but it doesn't always have to be one-sided. Both sides pining for each other unbeknownst to them also makes a good story.

Grief: The loss of a loved one is hard to cope with yet relatable, generating a lot of empathy and empathy from your readers

Hesitation: In particular, when the ship or close friends are hesitant to get close. This could be due to outside factors, fear of opening up, or self-doubt.

Additionally, the emotions I listed in the previous division still applies here! Contrary to the internal angst, this type works better when both perspectives are written to fully demonstrate their current circumstances and dynamic. Third person is recommended!

But on top of emotions, the situation matters a lot too, so I'll quickly go over some examples of situations that can induce angst!

Anxiety/Panic attacks: This includes a lot of intrusive, scattered, and overwhelming thoughts. Description-wise, make sure to focus on their senses! (Ex: Breathing: heaving, struggling to breath, etc.) Chest/heart: tightening up, pounding loudly, etc.) Eyesight: Blurring, unfocused, etc. Hearing: Too loud, drowned out, etc.)

Final Messages: Did your character die or leave? Their final messages matter a LOT. After all, that's they last thing they're remember by. Sometimes these messages are kind, but they can also reveal confessions (love, regret, mistakes) that hurt, and they can even completely change how your character views themselves and the world.

Misunderstandings: Misunderstandings can go from innocent mistakes to detrimental oversights. Many romantic slow-burns incorporate this tool, as a matter of fact!

Coping: For the most part, it's good if someone's able to cope with a devastating situation, but sometimes these can be quite painful. For example, maybe a character's coping mechanism is to avoid all topics of their previous love, preventing them from facing the issue head-on.

In conclusion, writing angst involves a lot of aspects! From start to end, there will be a huge mix of emotions and thoughts. It may be hard to figure everything out, but try your best to apply your past experiences and do what you think fits the best!

Happy writing~

3hks <3