#now that i don’t have constant posts telling me i have main character syndrome for wanting cori to matter to the plot agdhjs

[scionshtola]

ive been thinking about dt a lot again and i think my feelings have settled back into a mild “story didn’t hit but it was mostly fun to play”

[mareliini]

(I post most of my art in insta nowadays. No link, but it's mareliiini, with three "i"s.)

Time to say final goodbyes to this hell year, as well for a full decade of art..

Year summary: like previous year, finding stuff to fill up some months was hard. I've had some big art bursts in early jan-feb, summer, and during autumn, when i produced several pieces in one sitting before fading into obscurity of life and knitting for months. My artistic balance has relied on to comic making schedule, honestly since 2011, so without that constant flow of crunching up pages weekly I was left wandering amiss and motivationless. I've always made a rule for myself with these yearly summaries, that I wont use comic pages unless there's nothing else that month to fill it up, and this year I couldn't even rely on that.

Decade summary: Started filling up the latter monstrosity of a dA meme back in 2014 and filling it up has been a yearly tradition ever since. It is so wild looking back. 2011 I had been in Uni for a year and haven't really drawn "seriously" ever, outside of private diary doodles and plastering my room with fish art (do not ask me about my finding nemo phase please) and surrealist charcoal renderings. Reliable access to internet and fandoms, and the whole culture of creating in those spaces is really what made me draw more reliably in the first place.

Home was always filled with art supplies (comes with dad being professional oil painter with a severe case of procrastination syndrome), so in a sense I've been priviledged for early and easy access to those... many gouaches and dip pen nibs I use still, are stolen from home drawers, not that I'd had had money to buy completely new art tech supplies on the fly. Only in recent years I've been comfortable enough with my income, that I could purchase better quality watercolor papers and ink sets, and not feel bad for using them regularily. For comic pages I still use cheaper paper, though that has been upgraded several times since the cheapest sketchbook paper I started with. You don't need Big Quality to make Good Art, but it makes the experience of making it a bit more fun.

Looking back, 2014 and 2015 seems to be most important turnaround time. I was breaking away from the mold I'd created my art identity around of, and growing tired of having story ideas but no original characters. I've had some in the early teen years, but I'd been comfortable for years with using pre-set characters from whatever fandom I was into at the time. And there's nothing wrong with that, I say as an avid fanfic reader, but at some point with making Hey it's summer! the frustration between story I wanted to tell and feel proud of, and the set of characters I had decided to work with, to the point of them being almost oc's in the au world, it just put everything in halt. I'm never going to finish HiS! because I cannot finish it with those characters, and cannot remove the story entirely from it's fandom roots even by made-up ocs. 2014 was largely spent on focusing oc's... I created a bunch of grandma characters for a story I'll never be clever enough to write, and then accidentally stumbled upon Jooel in a dream I wrote up and continued later (yeah they're there in 2014 row). I think most of Bus cast was created in that year, but I didn't have clear enough plan for it (and never had even during writing) untill some years and one cloud comic later.

2015 was Big Year for original writing, as well for everything else. Which is why I have to bring it up. As short detour as the tau fandom was, it granted me the first real friend group online, one which is still together now, give or take a few changes and dramas. It wasn't the main reason, but one of the big ones for me to get proper smart phone to keep connected to them outside evenings (biggest reason was neko atsume..... i wanted to feed my cats....). Cloud story was a wild experience I can never replicate, but also a memory I will always remember fondly. 2015 also was the year I started my three years government supported therapy, which I believe affected Bus a lot. I was really tired and couldn't bother to spent time to look for the perfect fit, so I ended up with a therapist who uh, I guess helped? some? Would not recommend my tactic but it was best I could do at the time. Before that bus had never been more than wild ride of found family tropes frollocing around finnish highways, it was a roadtrip story at heart with supposed collection of small moments of each character, of local problems and stories and people they meet with 4 equally written main characters. Therapy thethered it to one character and one town with whisps of its origin, but it provided a big supplement for the somewhat-working therapy sessions.

[temporoom]

This post is about something very personal and difficult for me to talk about, especially in a language which is not my mothertongue. So I will ask you to be nice with me, to not send me hate messages or political opinions. I honestly wrote this whole post with trembling hands, talking about this kind of subject is hard for me so please, be nice. Thank you.

Okay, that’s a difficult question for a lot of different things (including the fact that it hits a bit too close to home for me). So I asked specialists about it (A.K.A. my mother who specialize in autism and I really don't want to say more on this subject), so here is my full answer with the explanations as to why.

No, Norman does not have the asperger syndrome.

I know it could feels like he has it for a lot of different reasons that I’ll explain. But no. He is not asperger. Aspergers have a few particularities that define them as being asperger. You consider them as being asperger as long as those particularities affect their daily life on a constant basis :

Difficulties with social interactions : problems looking at people directly in their eyes, problems with keeping a trivial conversation, as well as a lack of flexibility in those.

There’s two types of aspergers : the ones who avoid social interactions at all cost since it’s difficult for them, and those who searchs them but who don’t have a filter when they talk, always saying their honest opinion on things. It has nothing to do with negativity or positivity in this case, it really is just an honest opinion.

They focus on a particular subject in which they will get very comfortable with and in. They usually wants people to understand this subject they are into, so they will talk about it often an explains when the people they talk to doesn’t understand. They won’t talk about this subject to people who seems to clearly don’t care about it, but since it’s what they like to mainly talk about it can also mean that they can just stop talking to this person definitely. Since they are very comfortable in this subject, they won’t get intereste in other subjects and try to come out of this comfort zone that they made for themselves. 

Aspergers are usually either hypersensitive or hyposensitive. For example : one individual can be unaffected by the cold, but can be very affected by strong smells to a point it can become overwhelming and undomfortable. It usually has something to do with the five senses that are : taste, sight, earing, smell, and touch. 

Asperger people usually prefers when there’s rules to follow, it usually is more comfortable for them.

Autistic withdrawal : something that happens between 2 to 4 years old usually, when the child will progress abnormaly quickly but will isolate himself. After this sudden progress, they will develop slowler than other children during the rest of their lives.

You must have noticed one thing, I didn’t talked about intellect. It’s for a simple thing : intellect has absolutely nothing to do with being asperger. Aspergers can be very smart people as well as people with a basic intellect. I’m insisting on this because someone at school already told me that aspergers were obviously smart people while it’s wrong. Society usually shows smart asperger because the contrast between the particularities I talked about and their talent is impressive for most people. But intellect has nothing to do with asperger syndrome.

Now here’s the thing : you can have one of those particularites and still not be asperger. You are asperger when those particularities affect your daily life. You can also be asperger and only have a few of those particularities, but you are as long as it affects your daily life.

Now let’s go back to the main subject with Norman :

Norman clearly doesn’t have any problem with social interactions. He can look at people directly in their eyes, he can keep up with trivial conversations, and he is very flexible when talking to others.

He doesn’t avoid any social interactions as I said, and he does have a filter when he talks (or else he wouldn’t be able to lie to Mama)

I don’t think you can consider Emma a subject. 

Now here’s something that maybe Norman is affected by : he seems to be sensible to cold as early on in the show he puts on a cardigan (before anyone else it seems). But that’s the only noticable thing. He doesn’t seem to be hypersensible or hyposensible to anything besides feeling easily cold. (Or he’s like me and likes to have two layer of clothes all the time even if it’s useless)

Clearly, Norman doesn’t care about rules (otherwise we wouldn’t have this first chapter)

We can’t tell for that one since we almost never saw Norman Younger, but from the novel I don’t think he was affected by it.

Yep. Norman is anything but asperger. But he indeed as a special thing that people often misinterpret as asperger syndrome because of this intellect trope that I talked about earlier. And something that I think a lot of TPN readers can relate to :

He is a gifted child.

It sounds like a quality because in English you don't have the word “surdoué” (translated literally : overtalented). But being a gifted child actually has a lot of cons that can all fit Norman :

As you can guess, gifted children have obviously a superior intelligence. The difference with aspergers is that they are aware of it, maybe too aware of it. They usually notice it when they are at a very young age (around to 2 to 3 years old, when they enter school).

Aspergers have difficulties with social interactions because it’s usualy hard for them to either follow the conversation or to keep a filter on. Gifted children have the same problem... but it’s mostly because they feel like people around them are absolutely stupid, and that it should be common sense to undestand what they are talking about. They talk with adults a lot because they feel like they can talk on the same level with them, and not with other children their age.

They are not obsessed with a specific subject, they usually can keep up with multiple hobbies and subjects at the same time without being particularly into it.

The less rules they are, the better a gifted child feels. A lot of gifted children feels out of place at school because of those and because of how the school works. That’s why a gifted child can be a top student as well as a really bad student. They can be CEO, but also gang leader, to even simple artists… their only limits is how people perceive them.They usually like to experiment and to discover new things. 

Gifted children know they are gifted, and will progress quickly during their whole life. 

I don’t think I need to explain how each of those fits Norman.. and overall a lot of the GF children. 

And I can already see you coming with your “but he lacks flexibilty in his way of thinking you said it yourself in one of your posts!”. He doesn’t, he just thinks that since he is smarter, his opinion is obviously the right one. 

I’m sorry if you hoped that Norman could be asperger because of indentification or because you would think it could be nice. But from what I stated in this post, I personally don't think he is.

But if you want other character that I think that are asperger (and this time I’m sure of it) : in Magi the labyrinth of magic, Uraltugo (or simply Ugo) seems very asperger to me. And in The Fantastic Beasts And Where to Find Them, Newt Scamander is definitely asperger and no one can convince me otherwise, it’s the most unsaid asperger person I’ve seen in fiction so far.

At least, even if i ended up saying that he is not, I hoped you could learn a few things as well. I usually avoid talking about this type of subject because it’s too personal for me, but as I wrote this post I think I could somehow learn how to deal with it. So thank you! I hope you have a nice day!

[redqueenmiku]

Why do you dislike Rosalina? Is it because of how she appears more often? If so, she has been a spin-off regular for quite some time now. I do think it was a bit odd for her to get into Smash and in a platformer before Daisy, but I like the character regardless. She is a unique and gorgeous addition to the cast. Before you ask, I adore all three of the Mario ladies equally!

Well, thankfully, I already had something typed up specifically for this occasion. It was going to be its own post, but I think an ask is a perfect segue into releasing this thing I’ve had lying around wondering whether I should post.

Now, DISCLAIMER: I’m not trying to tell anyone they shouldn’t like Rosalina. This is just the reason why I personally dislike the character. This is an opinion piece. Nothing more.

Also spoiler: I do dwell on her game appearances for a while, but that’s not the only thing I touch on.

If any of you read all that’s ahead, thank you so much for taking the time to hear me out and please excuse any pettiness I may display. Thank you.

Now, welcome to a rant I like to call…

DEATH BY OVER-HYPE: THE RISE AND FALL OF ROSALINA

Now, as we all know, Rosalina first appeared in 2007’s Super Mario Galaxy. In said game, she served as Mario’s guide, being the caretaker of the game’s spaceship hub world, the Comet Observatory, and its residents, the Lumas. She was regal, mysterious, and motherly with a stoic yet kind air to her. You really got the sense that she was unlike any character in the series beforehand. She was powerful and she was in a league of her own.

This same game also gave us Rosalina’s backstory in the form of her storybook. She was just a normal girl until she found a Luma and a broken spaceship. She helped the Luma repair the spaceship and set off into space with it to find its lost mother. Along the way, she took in more Lumas, who became her family as she traveled through space. There’s something about a dead mother in there that I thought was way better explained than it actually was and then the first Luma Rosalina met transformed into the Comet that became the Comet Observatory. It’s a touching story.

After that, Rosalina began appearing rather frequently. Of course, she regularly showed up in Mario Kart starting just a year after her debut, but she also stepped foot into Mario Party, Mario Golf, Mario Tennis, Mario Sports Superstars, the Mario and Sonic series, and even bit cameos like the Mario Mash-Up pack for Minecraft or as a sprite in the moon-themed areas of Super Mario Odyssey. I have no complaint about any of these appearances. They’re all either inevitable and open to all sorts of characters already or, in the case of Super Mario Odyssey, it fits her role.

Now allow me to complain about a select few appearances that really get on my nerves.

Now, games like Mario Kart and Mario Party and all that make sense. Those are games where all sorts of characters show up and it makes sense for the most distinct characters to make constant appearances. Rosalina was always going to be a regular for those.

What I can’t excuse is three very specific games.

The first is Puzzles and Dragons: Super Mario Bros. Edition. Now, this might seem like a really weird game to be bringing up, but, when you really think about it, it’s really messed-up that Rosalina appears in this game. The only other non-enemy characters playable in this game are Mario, Luigi, Toad, Yoshi, and Peach. Rosalina has absolutely no reason to be in this game, yet here she is.

You know what other game Rosalina has absolutely no reason to be in? Super Mario 3D World.

Super Mario 3D World was Rosalina’s fifth appearance in the franchise and her very first playable appearance…in a game that takes place in another world, the Sprixie Kingdom, and whose only playable characters are franchise staples Mario, Luigi, Peach, and Toad in a throwback to the US version of Super Mario Bros 2. Rosalina has zero reason to be in this game, much less be a prominent playable character.

Then, there’s the biggest blow of them all, which came just one year after 3D World: Super Smash Bros.

If Rosalina hadn’t appeared in Super Mario 3D World, there would be absolutely zero merit to putting her in Smash Bros considering that, outside that single instance, she was made no more important than any other character in the Mario series and she had never done anything to merit a Smash appearance. Because Super Mario 3D World exists, though, she has to appear in Smash, right?

And then there’s a point that I’ve had yet to bring up: the existence of Baby Rosalina. Like, gee. Rosalina sure warrants a baby form that goes against her entire backstory, doesn’t she? Let’s just do that.

By now, my biggest problem with Rosalina should be readily apparent. Rosalina shot to favorite child status way too quickly and her most egregious appearances are nothing more than blatant fanservice.

There’s an old document I have where I try to talk about my distaste for Rosalina. The explanation was really poorly thought out and filled with a lot of salt that didn’t need to be there, but one particular section I can still get behind is one where I essentially compare Rosalina to Shadow the Hedgehog. I think the comparison is still rather relevant.

Once you really start thinking about it, Rosalina really has this kind of Shadow the Hedgehog syndrome, not in the personality itself, but in how her creators treat her. Both characters were created for a specific purpose in a specific game in already well-established franchises with a lot of characters already, but gained an explosion of popularity due to popular aspects in their characters along with their compelling backstories that shot them past the other characters into a place where they’re now used in just about every game including ones they have no place in and are touted by their fandoms as some of the best characters to ever exist.

One major difference between Shadow and Rosalina, though, is that Shadow is actually a really well-developed character that has developed even beyond where he first came from. This is the effect of being part of a largely story-driven franchise that has allowed Shadow to evolve and come into his own. He’s earned his place among the cast through meaningful interaction.

Rosalina is cursed with coming from a franchise that doesn’t even have well-established characters much less any kind of evolving story. Rosalina just…exists, meaning she can’t do anything to really make herself fit in being who she is. Her personality constantly fluctuates to the point where the most I can tell you about her personality is that “she’s nice”. The rest of the main characters in the franchise all come from the same world and regularly interact with each other. This has the negative effect of making Rosalina feel like an outsider. She doesn’t need to be there in any instance and any time she is it just feels like going out of her way to be there, which would be fine if Nintendo wasn’t trying to sell her as this mature, introverted character that’s supposed to contrast the rest of the cast. She’s constantly contradicting herself left and right and it doesn’t feel like Nintendo ever really knows what to do with her but shove her in everywhere they can because “she’s popular, right?”.

That would be the reason I don’t like Rosalina. She doesn’t fit in, but Nintendo keeps trying to shove her where she doesn’t belong. She doesn’t have a consistent identity outside of the one from Galaxy that she keeps contradicting all the time and she’s been in games she has absolutely no business being in for absolutely no justifiable reason.

Now, maybe I’m just being over-critical, but this is something I personally feel very strongly about. Rosalina is one of the most overrated characters in existence in my opinion and it’s gotten to the point where I don’t even want to see her anymore, even in places that she does belong. She’s been absolutely ruined for me by Nintendo’s practices concerning the Mario franchise and I can’t even stand her anymore.

Yes, it’s petty, but that’s just me.

At the end of the day, I know that this is just my opinion. I hope no one came to this rant expecting otherwise. I just wanted to make clear my emotions about this character. If you’ve made it to this point, thank you for hearing me out. Have a nice day.

(oh this is going to be sooooooo controversiallllll….)

[paleblood-skyler]

Call of Cthulhu (2018) Post-Credits Thoughts

Short Reaction: I’m about to go play it again.

Long Reaction:

Hooo boy I’m glad I finally got this! Its absorption power is telling from the fact that it took me just about 24 hours from disc arrival to game completion. To get the quick issues out of the way (since most of this will be splurging about how great it was): BAD BAD BAD character animations and lip synching. But I knew this going in. Luckily, I grew up with Oblivion as my first real game. So yeah, my immersion fortitude is strong. If yours isn’t, this could be a deal breaker since it is BAD. But I got past it quickly. Also it’s very clearly made by a small team in a non-primarily-English-speaking country because by about the halfway mark the subtitles become particularly horrendous. I’d like to be able to fly over and do a little grammar sweep of the entire script and have them patch it because I might not be a programmer but I can English pretty okay and wow I want to do that for an otherwise great game.

Now, the things I actually care about are done phenomenally. The atmosphere is top-notch, from the fidelity and aesthetic perfection of the environments to the oppressive sound design, and the constant feeling that shit is real bad and Pierce’s mind may shatter at any moment. It all feels so dark, damp, dreary, desolate, depressing, and deadly (are there any positive d- adjectives?). This is greatly helped by the fantastic selection of environments, which all feel like must-dos for a slightly long-form Lovecraftian work. I won’t list them all since being blind (spoiler-wise and cosmic secrets-wise) is always a big plus for stuff like this, but going in I did know about the fishing village on Darkwater Island, and it looks just like it sounds. Friggin great. That blessed Fishing Hamlet aesthetic never stops. It could’ve stopped, which would’ve sucked, but it didn’t. And a certain visual by the end had me cheering...

Story-wise, holy hell, inject me with that drip drop slip slop Lovecraft fhtagn fluid, it’s a good one. They did the best thing they could’ve done with this IP, which is use the background premise of Cthulhu but craft in front of it a completely original story that feels like it could’ve been one of the originals. And it’s filled front to back with non-forced references that make me grin, and never get in the way of its own story. Don’t let the main art of the Big Dreamer strutting his stuff worry you about the game’s restraint. It paces itself big time and lets you dip your foot in the madness before you get really wet. And by R’lyeh, do you get wet. I really had to pace myself a bit because at a certain point the madness is nearly nonstop, but it never sacrifices the faithfulness to the original stories’ feeling. Your character is SO in the dark, and it seems that the way you play is what determines if he stays that way. But is the light a good thing? The voice acting is usually great, and the protagonist’s is, critically, always great so that helps a whole lot. Then there’s THE FEAR. A certain problem shows itself and everything about that is Big Nope territory. I wasn’t expecting to be as consistently stressed as I was. At one point during a rather informatively murky part of the story (and repeatedly during was that even real segments), I was impressed that I found myself actually going “WTF IS EVEN GOING ON??” Like, I know Cthulhu and stuff, because that’s the name of the game, but the feeling of helplessness as you get constant senses of danger and madness without any actual tangible/physical threat makes for an impressive concoction. And a certain big Just Don’t Look At That segment was palm-sweating.

Gameplay... From the start it feels like you’re a detective. Cause you’re playing a detective, shocker. But they did it well, I think. It’s satisfying to pick up all the notes, you don’t have to worry about it turning into an action game so pump those investigation points, and the amount of detail and flavor text thrown into the world to fill those bookshelves with 1920′s-accessible medical and history books is really appreciated. The best part, of course, is whenever one finds some artifact of the occult. The sanity system makes it such that you have to pause before opening alluring esoteric texts such as these, and wonder whether you’re ready for its contents. Can your mind take the hit? As for decisions like these, I haven’t done a second playthrough yet to gauge how much they and your sanity affect the game. I’m not expecting a whole lot of variety since the game is fairly linear and certain things have to happen, but on the first go, decisions feel important. Which is important.

By the end, after quite a few awesome things they pulled, I actually felt like I, and everyone else, were merely pawns. Playthings of the great and terrible unknown. Even when I did what I thought was right, learning everything I could to make informed decisions... there was more terrible truth to face, including the feeling that nothing I did matter. And that’s what this genre is LITERALLY ABOUT. So well done. Lots to be impressed by here, at least for someone who can look by a decent amount of flaws to see the stuff that actually matters. My only gripe in the arena of things that “actually matter” is that Mr. Protagonist may suffer from a bit of the Chosen One syndrome... The ending has me wondering if it in fact goes against the philosophy of Lovecraftian fiction at a critical moment there. But I’ll think it over. I have plenty of time to think, anyway. Back to Darkwater.

[koalas-koalas-everywhere]

Live-blogging The Hobbit

Since I said I’d talk about how much I love Bilbo.

Also, live-blogging might be a generous description. A report from the brim every few chapters, maybe.

Might be annoying to my current followers, but they’d do well to remember this is how I got most of them, even if the live-blogging was for a different fandom. 

Now, to start! The first two chapters!

An Unexpected Party

The very first page, with the description of Bag End, had me doing a lot of double takes, mostly because of things I already thought I knew because of, you know, osmosis, so it went a bit like:

 “the hobbit was fond of visitors” ????? Didn’t Bilbo use the One Ring specifically to avoid unwanted visitors? 

However big you thought Bag End was, you’ll have to guess again. The most generous illustration probably got the size wrong. It not only has multiple bedrooms (not enough for all of the dwarves, though), it has wardrobes (rooms dedicated to clothes), and kitchens, and dining rooms.

“most Bagginses were rich” Clearly the best use for their money would have been to redistribute it, but are you trying to tell me some of them weren’t and the rest just said it was none of their business?

The fact that the Bagginses are described as reliable/predictable and Bungo doesn’t get much personal description while Belladonna, of the Took clan, outstanding/odd, does get further insight into her place in her family and is described as both famous and remarkable? *kisses fingers like chef*

Like, up till now, the only description he personally gets is, like, “Bungo, that was Bilbo’s father, built the most luxurious hobbit-hole for her (and partly with her money)” and it’s still a description of Belladonna because the paragraph’s about her still, you can tell because, even though in the last sentence Bungo was the subject, Bilbo is still referred as “her” son.

Also fitting because Bilbo’s arc is about accepting his heritage from both parts of his family, and we’re about to get into how much of a Baggins he is, so extra emphasis into the Took side will be good for the next few chapters.

So, it says Gandalf last visited before the Old Took died, which was in S.R. 1320, when Bilbo was 30, a.k.a. 20 years before. While Gandalf is definitely remarkable enough, given the time lapse, I can forgive Bilbo for forgetting about his appearance. My reasons are that my own memory begins to get blurry about faces some five minutes after someone’s gone out of my sight.

“‘Good Morning!’ said Bilbo, and he meant it.” [to Gandalf]“‘All of them at once,” said Bilbo. “[...] If you have a pipe about you, sit down and have a fill of mine! [tobacco]’” and I’m going to skip a bit here, [to Dwalin] “‘I am just about to take tea; pray come and have some with me.’ A little stiff perhaps, but he meant it kindly.” Just... he’s so nice? Often in interpretations of the Shire and of Bilbo himself, when hobbits are nice it’s a matter of politeness for its own sake, as a ritual, but he’s so earnest? It’s really politeness as a kindness, as it should be. The only times this isn’t the case is when, after Gandalf reveals he’s looking for a fellow adventurer, when he just shit-talks adventures and looks at his mail hoping Gandalf will just go away instead of telling him himself... until he gets tired and does so. Then later when he gathers from Balin that a lot of people might be showing up and you can sense some reluctance in his decision to go without, and a focus on duty. And last as the night goes on and the dwarves keep being rude af. 

Also, I once saw someone wonder why Gandalf would mention Belladonna in the movie when he supposedly knew the Old Took, and someone said it was just to make the connection more direct, son->mother, instead of son->mother->grandfather. Well,

[Picture of my book, relevant quote: “To think that I should have lived to be good-morninged by Belladonna Took’s son; as if I was selling buttons at the door!”. End description]

Read ‘em and weep.

A funny thing about the book is the narration. It’s supposed to be Bilbo’s account, just compiled by Tolkien, right? So, Bilbo’s descriptions, meaning how he is described, are noteworthy. Admittedly, I don’t read autobiographies, so I don’t know what’s a common way to describe yourself in third person, but this narrator is kinda... distant from Bilbo? In that you don’t get the sense he’s writing the story. He’s at once roasted relentlessly and praised, mocked and defended. All in all it’s an affectionate voice, although one that feels the need to go “listen, I know how this all looks and that you doubt him now (and honestly? same), but he’s a pretty cool guy, once you get to know him.”

“Bless me, life used to be quite inter-- I mean, you used to upset things badly in these parts once upon a time.” Lmao

“Very amusing for me, very good for you” - Gandalf about sending Bilbo to his death.

Bilbo, to Gandalf: “Come tomorrow!”

Bilbo, to himself: “what”

Himself, to Bilbo: “I also don’t want me to be doing what I’m doing.”

Strange dwarf (with a blue beard?): *basically pushes his way into Bilbo’s house*. Bilbo: ............... wanna eat?

“The poor little hobbit sat down in the hall and put his head in his hands, and wondered what had happened, and what was going to happen, and whether they would all stay to supper.” Hero. Those are appropriate priorities. Meanwhile, there’s people waiting for him to open the door lmao.

*banging at Bag End’s door with a stick instead of ringing the bell* 

Bilbo: who’s the fucking beast.

“Bilbo sat on a stool by the fireside, nibbling at a biscuit (his appetite was quite taken away), trying to look as if this was all perfectly ordinary and not in the least an adventure.” They [the Valar] can’t see you if you don’t move.

I like how “Far Over the Misty Mountains Cold” is about both the gold and treasure and the sheer history, represented by song. Yes, the lyrics are mostly about the treasure, but the book itself says it can barely be called a song without the music. The dwarves’ work is talked about without equating it with their craft, but more as a cultural activity that builds identity, again, like songs. They’re mentioned both in the context of being sung deep in the mountain, only for dwarves ears. This comes to a head later, when the last line says “to win our harps and gold from him!” From this, I’ve reached the conclusion that dwarves don’t just want the Mountain for the economic benefits, but because of the sense of cultural identity, represented by songs and harps, that they lost along with Erebor. I’m sure this isn’t surprising in general, or a new reading of dwarves in general, or even a new reading of the song in particular, but I just wanted to put it out there.

I like how immersed in, well, everything Bilbo has been up to now. I get this feeling of constant movement in the inside from him. Every smoke ring fascinates him, and every suggestion of adventure appalls him, and everything that happens is the best and worst thing that’s ever happened to him, not (just) because of his (sometimes, this doesn’t happen that much) exaggerated reactions, but the time he takes to tell us his feelings and thoughts about things. 

Also, him being snapped out of his adventurous daze by a sudden fear for his home (comfort), A+ Baggins/Took conflict.

“I want these dwarves to think I could fuck someone up, which is made all the easier by my desire to fuck them up”

“As soon as I saw your funny faces in the door-step, I had my doubts.” Bilbo that’s racist.

Gandalf is like that meme of the driver who’s threatening to turn the car around because his children are being rowdy, only instead he insists he will not turn the car around no matter how much they beg.

I don’t know if this is the I’ve Watched The Movie Where He Was A Main Character Syndrome talking, but I’m feeling much more compassionate towards Thotin this time around.

I noticed what I’d written the moment I finished the word, but this is too fucking hilarious to correct.

Bilbo: “uhh, five feet high is pretty noticeable for a door”

Tolkien: you’ll have to forgive him, he was born with dumb bitch disease. The buffoon. The absolute animal.

Also, “He loved maps, and in his hall, there hung a large one of the Country Round with all his favourite walks marked in it with red ink.” In this house we love one (1) nerd.

Thorin: *bitches*

Bilbo: Not in my house. *bitches harder*

Thorin: you fucking hayseed.

Bilbo: prob, bob?

Roast Mutton

I commend Bilbo for actually going - if I had to run for 15 minutes they’d still be waiting for me.

Did Gandalf bring Bilbo an actual bag or did he just decide pipe weed and handkerchiefs were the only thing he’d need for a five month minimum journey.

If he has time to complain about it, he also has time to sew himself some clothes out of the kerchiefs ig

“[Gandalf] had eaten most, talked most, and laughed most. But now he was simply not there at all!” Gandalf you ass.

“Dwarves can make fire almost anywhere out of almost anything” this has so much comedic potential.

I relate to Bilbo because I always catch on to the fact that I’m supposed to be lying way too late.

Kinda reminds me of that post about the fae who’ve learned how to tell the truth in a very specific way so it will be misunderstood being flabbergasted by someone who just comes up to them and lies.

Bilbo: *is caught lying*

Trolls: 

Bill said burrahobbit rights!

Dwarves:

Gotta hand it to Tolkien, though, Bilbo does have dumb bitch disease.

I love how Sting is supposed to be just as special as Orcrist and Glamdring, yet the narration makes such a small deal of it. It’s clear from the start it’s of the same make as them because, although it’s not mentioned along with them at first (which makes sense, since it’s sheath’s not as pretty, Thorin and Gandalf’s taking of the swords isn’t even separated from Bilbo’s by a stop, just a semicolon, yet it doesn’t get a second though.

I like how in the movie it’s all Gandalf: “Imladris” Bilbo: *delighted gasp* “Rivendell” while in the book it’s Gandalf: “Rivendell” Bilbo: “Where’s that?” Gandalf: “Don’t interrupt!”

So that’s that! Don’t know if I should stick to doing it like this, every two or so chapters, or every chapter as soon as I finish, or try to do my impressions as I go and then publish them when I’m done, because this actually took me longer than I thought it would.

[evansencezz]

RAREPAIR SHIPS WITH MY OWN OCS—🎰

notes: i know i know, basically non-cannon ships, slight age-gap, lots of queerness, also showing off my new oc updated personalities and pronouns if i did change them

—Astro x Aether: Middle children

—okay okay just here mw out on this one i swear

-so so they are around the same age, astro being older month wise

—but this is so obvious and cute to me like one day i was just like: “what if astro and aether dated?”

—also i changed aether’s sexuality to be omnisexual but with a prefrence for woman

—and i feel like they’re relationship would just be constant flirting but aether taking it more jokingly while astro being more serious

—and because aether only flirts with people that are more shy then him i feel like astro being extremely blunt and flirty towards almost everyone would make him shy and giggly

—*vine boom sound effect*

—oh fuck did i just drop faceclaims too yes i did

—yes lee felix has aethers face just shut the fuck up

—people when i mention that aether owns a whole ass casino: 😱😱😱🔥⁉️⁉️🤩🤩🥳🥳🥳😎☹️☹️

—yeah but support the movement of astro x aether for sex

————————————————-

—Hiraeith x Tyler: Annoyed X severe flirt syndrome

—okay i know this isnt really a rarepair i just havent made a post on it yet

—but this AU is so fucking funny and i luv the mafia side of it like hiraeith is so fucking annoyed by his shit and he just blinks cutely

—hiraeith: “after this, i’m done with you!”

—tyler: “no ur not lol”

—but i feel like it would be her bickering half of the time and him just being un-bothered.

—please leave me alone this ship is so stupid

—oh nooooo i dropped my faceclaims again even though they arent as atturate as aethers and astros

—they are basically complete opposites or married

—tyler is so fucking stupid and touching i hate him

———————————————————————————-

DROPPING SOME OC HEADCANNONS AND QUESTIONS I GET HERE TOO;

—“what if akari just pulls a one eighty on us and tells us that everything that’s been happening in the main au is in someones head or not real.”- friend

-i would never do that to you guys and i cant just ditch my ocs like that bruh

—“what was the first ship you ever made?”-another friend

-KAI X THERIEAN LETS GO BABYYYYYY (it was akari x jiren)

—“what’s your most hated character?”- follower

-probably a tie between maya or arashi 😱

-justice for maya on my life bro she is my skrunkly meow meow and i luv her soooooo much :33

—“why do i write mainly either romance or depressing shit.”-friend

-because all my ocs are litterally emo and have trauma and i need something to balance that shit out also romance makes me lose my shit because romantic comedy is so fucking funny for no reason luv that stuff

-“hi! i’m new here, just to clarrify, akari the character isn’t ment to be like yourself insert or anything right?-follower

—nope! akari is just the name i’ve been going by for two years now. it’s also not my orginal name so yeah, i have a deadname ☠️

——————————————————-

HEADCANNONS;

Hiraeith-

-defentily would own a casino with aether and be a card dealer

-here’s some lines i think she would have;

-“who told you that? actually- no. let me guess, aether? i fucking knew it.”

-“this is all aether’s fault.”

-“well yeah, i was in prison for a while. not more then aether though, and mine was in rapture. i dont think they liked me that much.”

-“what the fuck did you do now?”

-“aether is older by three months..i don’t get too caught up on it. she’s a little stupid but i think she means well..I THINK SHE DOES..”

-“don’t take anything that moron says seriously. half of the absoutetle bullshit that comes out of her mouth makes me want to shove a knife down her throat.”

-“or maybe you just suck? ever thought about that?”

-her zodiac sign is scorpio btw

——————————————————————————-

Aether—

-like said before, he’s defentily my more morally grey character

-has a restraining order and DUI placed on him, to which he broke both lol

—very friendly and half of the stuff he says he doesn’t mean to be taken in the way it comes out as

-lines;

-“oh! you met hira’?? what do you think of her? yeah, she’s a little defensive at first but she’s a sweetheart. also, she sticks to a more..moral code then me.

-“hira’s bailed me out like six times at this point.”

-“guys, hiraeith is our sugar mommy what do you mean.”

-“what the fuck do you think it is? vodka and ceral, obviously….ha! no, i’m just fucking with you! HAHAHA!”

-“wha- of course not! i’m not that naive jesus!”

-her zodiac sign is leo btw if it wasn’t obvious

————————————————————————————-

Suimuki—

-the one and only the love of my life in the rogue au if u couldn’t tell im having rogue au brainrot

-she’s so funny in the rogue au though god someone help me im being strangeled

—defentily has nerve damage from carpal tunnel and SH

—hands and fingers dig into her collar bones when they are visible ong

—her hair gets all frizzy and her eyes go all big and panicky when something goes out of plan and gets extremely stressed

-has a crush on killian and its so bad bro

-lines;

—“did you need something? otherwise i’ll- oh..you want me to help you with reading? pfft-how old are you? what are you even- oh! wait-that’s one of my books! give me that!”

—“don’t fucking listen to jin, half of the actual shit that comes of her mouth is stupid.”

—“i wanna eat clean things so bad maybe its because i around constant dirt but my god .”

—“shits fucking wild omg”

-“this guy is just a big fucking asshole, huh?”

—“fuck you and your mother!”

————————————————————————

Ace—

—i luv her so much in this au oh my god

—litterally only cares that she gets paid and keeps the person whose misson she’s carrying out isnt shady

—main member of a rogue band

—likes rain alot but protects the person hiring her from it with an umbrella made out of magic

—her whole left arm up till her bicep has her mark of the arcane which has a vine like pattern and its a faint teal color

—lines;

-“all that matters is that i’m paid of my job, i dont care if you think my actions are appualing or not.”

—“i prefer to be more of a grey area, not many pepple like me.”

—“what- that’s not funny or cool at all! you-ugh! just on!”

-“godess?? seriously? i don’t think im a godess im just a adventurer..”

——————————————���——————————-

Akari—

—ofc u know i had to mention my skrunkly menow meow :33

—she’s so cool in this au and mother ugh

—how did this become a headcannon and ship thing about rogue au what

—she defentily wasn’t expecting into get into a school uptop and freaked the fuck out when she did

—more relaxed in this au but can be serious when she needs to be

—defentily has been in prison multiple times :3

—avid wine drinker like how is her kidney not dead

-firm believer in chaotic yet influencer drumk akari

—her hair is way more disheleved and curly yet still long in this au she also has blue stripes throughout it

—also has both her eyes in this au but has a scar right below her left eye

-i luv her so much oh my god

-lines;

—“what, you mean like- uplanders? oh boy..”

-“hang on!” “well obviously, i don’t feel like being dragged down to hell just yet!!”

—“i blame all my problems on astro and they have no problems with it.”

—“whose the delusional one, now?? celeste is my favorite by the way!”

-“i’m not a bad person! i mean, i’ve killed like two people! but that wasn’t my fault!”

-“at this point, i wouldn’t be surprised if astro stole the document from me and said; “just kidding! of course they wouldn’t want you akari! your a downdweller!”

———-

[lilaswordsandthings]

Terminal/Chronically Ill Characters in Literature & Media (A Writer/Survivor’s Perspective)

As someone who has struggled with chronic health issues and has also lost friends and family to variations of the same condition I was born with, characters that are like me and my loved ones, and relationships similar to those I had with the people I’ve lost are something that I naturally gravitate towards and pay particular attention to. However, I find that it’s so rarely done well… so let’s talk about it.

 For the structure of this post I’m going to be talking about 4 examples, two bad examples, and why they’re so flawed, and two good examples and what they got right that the others didn’t.

 For some reason, writers seem to find it difficult to pull off a (main or important) character with a chronic or terminal illness, especially when that character has some kind of relationship with a character who is either healthy or somehow medically better off.

 Usually, what we get are things like Me before You (I apologize right now to anyone who enjoyed that book/movie but I really didn't) or Everything, Everything by Nicola Yoon, (which I liked but I still feel like it was a bad portrayal of what I'm talking about).

 Now let me fully explain why these portrayals fail epically.

 In Me Before You by Jojo Moyes the character William has been severely and permanently injured and is now wheelchair bound. He also wants to die. Yes, you read that correctly, this character has literally given up to the point where he can’t wait to just end it and there is no amount of effort by those who care about him that can convince him that his life is still worth something. This is problematic for a couple of reasons but firstly because he’s a horrendous example for anyone who either has been injured that way or knows and cares about someone who has. Secondly, he’s a total 100% STATIC character. His outlook doesn’t change in this story, at all. At the beginning he wants to die, and by the end the people around him have given up trying to change his mind. I mean, I get that he’s not really the main protagonist here, Louisa, his caregiver/girlfriend is, but that actually makes it worse! Not only do we have a completely static secondary main character; but we have a defeatist protagonist who literally gives up trying to save the man she supposedly loves. What kind of thematic message was the author trying to send here? I just…can’t get over how messed up this is…

            Now, as I said above I personally enjoyed Nicola Yoon’s novel Everything, Everything and its film adaptation. However, I did have issues with it in terms of this topic for several reasons.

 1.      Bad research. This was largely corrected in the film (or at least glossed over enough that it wasn’t really noticeable) but the Main Character Maddie’s illness, as described in the book, is not SCIDS (Severe Combined Immune Deficiency Syndrome), they tell you she has SCIDS but in terms of what they’re actually describing? It is actually presented as matching an even lesser known disorder called Mass Cell Activation Syndrome. When I first read it I tried to rationalize it as (spoiler alert) being that Maddie’s illness isn’t real and is a figment of her mentally ill mother’s mind, her mom can make up her own rules and boundaries in terms of Maddie’s condition and this was yet another subtle hint at the hidden truth. However, honestly, I don’t think the quality or accuracy of the book lends itself to Yoon pulling that off quite this well if that’s what she was going for; and it’s a shame.

 2.      She’s not really sick! This goes off of my last point but the fact that she turns out to have been fine this entire time cheapens all the drama and risk that came before that revelation, including her relationship with the novel’s male lead, Ollie. Which is why it’s a terrible portrayal of that kind of relationship, because the barriers and hoops they have to fight their way through to be together just *poof!” disappear. That’s not life! Since Mass Cell Activation Syndrome can appear and/or change at any moment and spontaneous recovery is at least theoretically possible, we really could have had something if Maddie had actually had the condition that was actually described in the book and you know, really had it at some point but then her mom kept it going because she’s incredibly paranoid and not right in the head. Sadly, however, no… that’s not what we got.

 This lack of honest and positive representation for people with chronic illnesses, the spectrum of form and severity even a single condition can take, and the relationships between the chronically ill and those with a different health status than them, fortunately, is beginning to improve. Two of the best recent examples of this that I can think of are John Green’s novel The Fault in Our Stars, and the Manga Your Lie in April originally created by Naoshi Arakawa and brought to life on screen by A1 Pictures and the stunning voice talents of both the original Japanese and English dub voice casts.

 The Fault in Our Stars by author and YouTuber John Green is a beautiful story about two friends turned lovers who find meaning, support, safety, and even hope in each other when the universe seems to be conspiring to take everything else in life away from them, because well…cancer can do that… I loved reading and watching these two interact and the best part about it is that neither is defined by the hand life has dealt them, it has profoundly affected who they are and how they see themselves and the world, as of course, it would, and it continues to throughout the novel. However, we always see this in the context of who they each are, it never becomes who they are. That balancing act of being honest about what situations like that do to people is what is missing from so many works that attempt this kind of story and this is a great example of when it’s done right. There is, however, one that I feel is even better.

 Your Lie in April originally written in manga form by Naoshi Arakawa is easily my one of my favorite series of all time and is probably the best example of chronic illness/relationships. Let me explain why.

 Plot Summary

 For those of you who haven’t seen/read it, let me give you a ballpark idea. Kousei Arima was once a competitive pianist and child prodigy, trained, brutally, by his abusive and terminally ill mother. Once a great pianist herself, she is now weak, wheelchair-bound, and running out of time, so she brutalizes her only son mentally, emotionally, and physically in her rush to train him to play the music exactly as written, knowing that this will allow him to succeed on the competitive scene and thereby support himself after she’s gone. Soon after his mother dies Kousei suffered a breakdown under the pressure and after that day, gives up music almost entirely until he meets the beautiful and vibrant Kaori Miyazono. Who is a violinist but plays with a freedom and grace that Kousei has never seen before, and it is her constant prodding that brings him back to the stage. Kaori however, has a secret. She has been diagnosed with an unnamed terminal illness that, as the story progresses, gradually robs her of her mobility and coordination and becomes an increasingly prevalent threat to her life.

 Kaori is where this story really shines in terms of our topic because her journey with her illness is among the most human and genuine portrayals of a situation anything close to hers, that I’ve ever seen. For a few reasons:

 1.      Kaori is more than her illness. Again, we see how her illness has affected who she is and how she sees the world and her place and purpose in it, but it is never her defining feature. We also see who she is apart from it, her love of sweets, her upbeat and freewheeling personality, and of course her obsession with music.

2.      How she copes: She’s had this illness for most of her life but the gravity of her situation doesn’t really sink in until she’s thirteen or fourteen and catches her parents crying in the hospital waiting room. To quote the Anime: “That’s when I realized I didn’t have much time.” And the moment she realizes this, she hits the ground running, determined to make the absolute most of every minute she has left, so that she can die with as few regrets as possible.

She doesn’t run from her illness, she keeps it from her friends until it becomes obvious for their sake, she fully accepts the reality of her situation and does what she can to make the best of it. This includes wanting to do something good for someone that’s going to matter, in the form of dragging Kousei out of his emotional funk.

That said, she’s not an angel by any means. She doesn’t suffer in silence the entire time, there are moments even before her friends find out that we see the cracks in her façade. We see her cry, and lament, and break down, and towards the end even start to give up. Even then though, unlike in Me Before You she doesn’t give up to the extent that she’s unreachable, all it takes is a kick in the pants (not literally) from Kousei and she renews her will to fight and go on as long as she possibly can. To quote the anime again: “Maybe I’m just greedy, but I want to dream again.”

3.      The Ending: In the end of course, Kaori dies, the show takes a no holds barred realistic approach to the situation, there’s no miracle cure, there’s no misdiagnosis, nothing to save our heroes from the inevitable tragedy that will tear them apart. Unfortunately, as I know all too well, such is life. In life sometimes there are no magic answers, no way to save the day, only the harsh reality to swallow. The fact that this series was willing to attest to that, just makes it all the better.

4.      Kaori X Kousei: Over the course of the story we see Kaori and the progression of her illness mainly through Kousei’s eyes and the tumult of emotions he goes through in reaction to it is not only realistic but beautifully done. At first, he notices little things here and there, her collapsing after their duet, how thin she is, the more obvious her illness becomes the more apprehension he feels at the possibility of losing yet another person he’s come to know and love. At one point, he even avoids her for a time, unsure of what to say or do, which while not the most admirable reaction, is a totally normal and human one.

Kaori sees him struggling emotionally and laments ever getting involved, wondering out load during one of his visits if it would be better had they never met, and giving him license after her impending death to forget all about her and forget everything they’d shared. By the end though, Kousei decides he could never do it, and chooses instead to cherish Kaori’s memory and let her continue to drive him forward in music and in life.

This last point is very, very important because this a question that everyone has to ask themselves at some point. Was it worth it? Is it better to love and to lose than to have never loved at all? What both positive examples have in common is they answer that question with a resounding YES!. 

So what have we learned? We all know that one-dimensional characters are neither interesting nor realistic and should be avoided at all costs. An illness or disability does NOT warrant an exception to that rule. Or the rule about avoiding static or passive characters either. It’s nuts that we seem to somehow think it is. 

[silentfcknhill]

hey I've seen you reblog stuff about drugs and stuff and I just wanted to ask what narcatics were you into? random and blunt question but just curous. I'm having a hard time lately... drinking but I'm trying to quit with with it now and just started weed. I just feel like it's neve gonna be better, you know? shit I so okay for so long and then it all goes to fucking hell again. I'm sorry for unloading like this....

It’s okay, I hope you don’t mind if I ramble a long-ass answer. I was mainly addicted to drugs that were not traditionally considered addictive physically, just psychologically. My main drugs of choice were weed, acid, mushrooms and occasionally molly. I never had a huge problem with alcohol, as in I didn’t drink often but when I did I went way overboard and would often mix drugs that would make me very ill. Weed was okay for me at first before I went overboard and was spending hundreds a month, and I am not completely anti-weed like some people in NA, but I think there are people who can and can’t handle it mentally. I can’t. If you have mental health issues, especially anxiety (though I’ve seen some people it can help their anxiety), paranoia, dissociation, derealization or hallucinations/problems with reality to begin with, it is like playing with fire. I’m not saying you should panic, everyone has different reactions, but I could never smoke again after the bad acid trips and ego deaths I’ve had. Too many flashbacks. And I got serotonin syndrome a lot. I quit using 17 months ago and I’m still dealing with effects like visual fractals, a new worldview and mood problems. 

For about a year I was suicidal and having panic attacks every day, and I had to work double shifts while crying and vomiting (quiting was not an option because we are too poor and I did not want to be homeless again, especially in that condition). It takes a while for your brain to recover and learn to produce it’s own serotonin after smoking weed every day for two years, so there is a major depression that occurs when you get clean. I lost my appetite for a couple months, and also couldn’t sleep on my own. Drugs were basically my go-to for every minor inconvenience, so learning to be a person again and deal with problems directly was difficult. I became extremely paranoid while detoxing. I also lost all interest in everything, I experienced no joy and only dread, terror and depression. My obsessions such as movies and music were no longer enough to enjoy, I needed to experience them on absurd amounts of psychedelics and meditate on them and see them from weird perspectives to appreciate them. I have started gaining back my appreciation for the little things in life again by now. 

The hardest part for me was coming to terms with the fact that I will never be the same as I was before ever again, and now I just have to adjust. It sucks that I was a teenager while this was happening, and my brain was still developing, so now it became a part of my youth and shaped my personality a lot. But I try to think of it positively, because now I have a new chance to become a better person, I have a fresh start and not many people can have a second chance after fucking up and having no common sense. I am lucky to have not gotten into any legal trouble, though a lot of relationships were destroyed, I really deserved it. I am not trying to self-pity, but it is a fact that I have suffered beyond words and been to hell (I’m not religious but to me hell is a psychological state of torment and existential darkness and lack of reality), but I have also grown as a person and become exponentially more self-aware, empathetic, introspective and accepting of my defects. 

I know exactly what you mean when you say you feel it will never get better. When you’re in darkness it effects your whole perception and sense of reality and colors every area of life. We lose our memory of anything good ever. Kind of like a Dementor from harry Potter has sucked out our soul, which Dementors incidentally were written by JK Rowling as an analogy of her depression (Sorry for random reference, I am a fan of Harry Potter). But we are both still young, well I am and I assume you are as well as I don’t know many elderly people on Tumblr, and time changes things. Time doesn’t heal, but it does give you the opportunity to heal and grow. Nothing will ever magically heal, we will always be addicts, but you will have good days, and some very good days and memories, and those are worth riding through the bad to get to. It is very difficult to keep perspective, but I spent a couple years of my life on drugs. I have 70 years left ahead of me, best case scenario. This is not the end at all. 

I have seen people successfully drink and smoke and not become upset or addicted, but I have Asperger’s and BPD and I was foolish to ignore the sensitivities and chances I was taking and I put my trust into the wrong influences and people. I have developed my own coping mechanisms throughout my life, because addiction was obviously not the first and only trauma I’ve been through, I’ve been having issues since being a toddler basically including emotional violent abuse from the time I was born, sexual assault, personal deaths, bullying, self-harm and mental illness, having parents who are mentally ill and unstable and dealing with their suicide threats as a child, divorce, homelessness, murderers in the family, robbery, knife attacks, being a therapist to my mother, trying to stay objective as she described to me her post-partum depression involving demons telling her to throw me off a balcony and molest me, multiple suicide attempts of my own including a horrendous overdose, multiple hospitalizations, medications, dating a man in his 40’s as a young teen, being cheated on twice, coming to grips with my LGBT identity, and much more. I grew up in a fantasy world, always acting and playing pretend even to this day, I live my life through the eyes of my favorite characters, even while alone. AT this point it is very easy for me to detach from my emotions and reality and observe my own suffering as though I was a character in a movie or something. This is also why I have a decent tolerance to pain. I just view it as an experience, a memory. Time is really an illusion, so when I am hurt, I just remember that in a few hours it will be like nothing ever happened. 

Also, the one most important message I took from NA is probably the simplest, and most people don’t give it a second thought because it’s just a cliche to them, but when you really meditate on it and practice it, you realize how incredibly true and helpful it is: “One day at a time.” And that motto is a principle, not have to take it literally. I know for a lot of people, myself included, it can be more like one minute at a time, but you really gotta try to keep priorities in sight and self-care when need be. Sometimes there is nothing you can do to help yourself but go to sleep all day. It is fine to do that. I have trained myself to fall asleep relatively quickly using deep, controlled stomach breathing and and stims and mental focus patterns such as waterfalls, space travel, etc, movement that stays constant and is relaxing. Music helps too, but only without lyrics. There are a lot of sound pieces on youtube and stuff made for relaxing, like the sound of rain, or nature like the ocean or amazon. Whatever suits you. It is handy to have an off button like a computer sometimes. You just shut down and reboot. 

I’m not saying it is healthy to be avoidant, and I definitely have shut down and become very robotic as of late, but it is highly preferable to the alternative for me until when/if I learn better skills. You will hopefully feel better when you wake up, whether it was physical anxiety or mental or both. Plus, scientifically, sleep and dreaming is when our brains process information and memories, so we may come to familiarize ourselves with unknown fears or stresses while we sleep and wake up more able to deal with them rationally without the fight or flight. One day at a time ties in to a concept we call “the triangle of self-obsession”, and it relates to how living in the past causes resentments, focusing on negatives in the present causes anger, and fear stems from living in the future. One day at a time, take shit as it comes and don’t cross bridges before you get to them. of course, planning still is good but we must be flexible and not place our whole mental state on something that hasn’t happened yet. Anger roots back to fear, fear roots back to lack of control, and once we accept that we really cannot control everything and be omnipresent and all-knowing puppetmasters, we become more humble. 

I myself have come to terms with the fact that I am very narcissistic. I never thought I was, due to low self-esteem, but it only recently occurred to me that being narcissism is usually just a symptom of low self-esteem anyways, and it is just expressed differently. Some people build massive egos and brag. For me, my narcissism forms through being self-centered and selfishly focused on my own problems. Some people focus daily on distinguishing whether they are living and acting on their own will or their higher power’s will, and adjusting their behavior accordingly, because living on our own will is what got us in this position in the first place. I don’t really have a higher power in the traditional sense at this point, but it is still good to be mindful that I am not the center of everything, and that even though I claim to be open-minded, I am still just as judgmental and hypocritical as anyone else, I just express and experience it in different ways. Anyways, long tangent, no one cares, I will shut up now. I am kind of a basketcase, but if you need to talk, you can message or dm me anytime.