#now that I’m grown I’m scared of ghosts memories feel like weapons | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

ofstoriesandstardust · 2 years ago

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give me back my girlhood, it was mine first (b.r.b.)

a/n: i went back and forth about posting this but ultimately decided this was something i wanted to share. originally inspired by this post and conversation with @struggling-with-delia who has indulged me in every sad thought i’ve ever had about this universe. this was in some ways very cathartic for me to write so please don’t be mean. also there's a piece I've been writing in tandem to this that I've been working on that resolves things a bit more

summary: A ghost from Rebel’s past appears, threatening to spill a secret that could upend everything she’s worked to build.

title comes from and this piece was inspired by taylor swift’s “would’ve, could’ve, should’ve”

note: this absolutely, on no uncertain terms, contains discussion of sexual assault and other content that may be distressing for the reader. if you feel that this may be triggering for you, please do not read it.

main masterlist | top gun: maverick masterlist | same mistakes-verse | same mistakes-verse timeline

warnings: sexual assault, bullying, blood, dark themes, flashbacks, violence, cheating, PTSD, panic attacks, brief mentions of vomit, heavy angst, sexual assault across the military, Navy inaccuracies,

word count: 4,841

“and now that i’m grown/i’m scared of ghosts/memories feel like weapons”

Bradley Bradshaw was many things, a protector being one of them. He’d give up his whole life if it meant protecting the girl he loved.

He was only seven the first time he protected her, too young to even know what the word meant. He just knew that his friend, Uncle Mav’s daughter, was on the playground sniffling, rubbing her eyes as blood ran down her leg. His head swung towards the school bully, where Cole stood laughing.

He hurt his friend.

Cole raises an eyebrow. “You got something to say Brad?”

At just ten, Cole was one of the meanest kids in their school, which was an accomplishment considering it was filled with Navy brats just like him and Uncle Mav’s daughter. He was in 5th grade and spent his time bossing the kindergarteners around. It wouldn’t have been the first time he pushed someone for not getting what he wanted.

“You leave her alone!” He yells, puffing out his chest.

“Oh yeah? What’re you going to do about it Brad?”

His fists clench at his side as he tries to give Cole his meanest look. “I mean it.”

Cole chuckles, crossing his arms. “Hey Brad, heard my Dad talking the other night. Isn’t your Uncle Mav a murderer?”

Uncle Mav a... he doesn’t even know what the word means.

“Like my Dad always says, the Mitchell family needs to be put in their place.”

When his Mom picks them up from school, she doesn’t speak the whole way home. She doesn’t say anything to them as she unlocks the front door and begins to cook dinner. She doesn’t say anything when Uncle Mav enters the house, both him and his friend flying off of their chairs to run to him.

He scoops them up, pressing kisses to their faces as they both laugh. He carries them to the kitchen where he sits Brad on the dining table, even though Mom always tells him not to. His friend wraps her arms around her Dad, leaning her head on his neck.

His Mom sighs, setting the spatula down on the stove as she turns to Uncle Mav. It’s taco night.

“Uh oh.” Uncle Mav says. “I know that look.”

His Mom sighs again, putting her hands on her hips. “Brad, why don’t you tell Mav what happened at school today?” He huffs, looking at his godfather, shrugging. “Brad hit Cole Anderson.”

“Captain Anderson’s kid?”

His Mom nods. “Gave him a bloody nose.”

Uncle Mav sighs, turning to him with a dissapointed look on his face that is making him squirm. “Baby Goose, you know better than to hit people.”

“But he pushed her!”

Uncle Mav’s eyes glance down to the band-aid on his daughter’s knee. The school nurse put it there while they waited for his Mom to be done talking to the principal. She nods, confirming it.

“Yeah Dad, and he called you...” She looks to Bradley for help. “Mu- mur-”

“Murderer.” Bradley finishes for her.

“Yeah, that! What does that even mean?” She asks as Uncle Mav deflates.

“Never mind what that means.” He says sternly. He looks back to him. “You do not push or hit people Baby Goose.”

He lets out an exaggerated sigh. “Fine.”

They don’t talk for all of dinner.

That night, after his Mom has left the room, when Uncle Mav is tucking him in, he presses a soft kiss to his forehead, causing him to squirm. “Stop that Uncle Mav. Kissing’s gross.”

Uncle Mav chuckles. “Sorry Baby Goose. Maybe it’s your punishment.”

“Are you still mad at me Uncle Mav?”

His uncle sighs, tucking his comforter around him tighter, before looking over his shoulder. “No Baby Goose, I’m not mad.” He leans closer to him, letting his voice drop down to a whisper. “Don’t tell your Mom I said this but between you and me, I would’ve done the same thing.”

That was the last time they went to a school on a Navy base.

“Hey Buddy.” You coo, dropping down to a crouch as you scratch the dog’s head. “How you doing?” He whines in response. “I know, I know, I’m sorry I left you alone all day today. I’ll be back later tonight, I promise.” You say, standing up to get him food.

Since moving in with Bradley officially, since he proposed, the two of you had made more efforts to be at home in the evening. Buddy loved the attention and it was good for your relationship to live a more grounded life.

That wasn’t to say you saw your friends any less. They had simply transplanted themselves from the pool table of Hard Deck to the kitchen table of the Bradshaw home. You could often count on at least a few of them being around, playing with Buddy, taking him on walks, cooking dinner, or watching movies.

Still, it was Harvard’s birthday and he wanted to go out for drinks in celebration. You’d told them to go on ahead of you, so you could go home and feed Buddy. Bradley had offered to go with you, but you waved him off, wanting to change into a different outfit, not liking the one that had been in your bag this morning.

After getting him his food and changing, you’re on your way to the Hard Deck. The parking lot is busy for a Thursday night, a new squadron docking that morning.

You turn the ignition off, grabbing your keys, sans present, which had been left at the house for when the crew returned to have cake. You shut and lock the car door behind you, already able to hear the music coming from the bar. You scan the bar upon entry, looking for your fiancé and friends when you spot him.

Everything freezes.

He was thirteen. He doesn’t remember much about that time, other than he was in the principal’s office, getting yelled at for shoving a kid in the lunch line.

Most days, he didn’t like being around Mav’s daughter at school.

He was in 8th grade and she was only in 6th. Still just a kid. An annoying one at that.

His friends on the baseball team didn’t like her, always teasing her, saying she was a teacher’s pet. He pretended not to know her at school, even if they did homework together and helped Mom make dinner most nights. He pretended he agreed with what they said, even if they played board games together with Uncle Ice and Uncle Slider when they were home. He took part in all of it, even though she’d been spending more time at Aunt Sarah’s and Uncle Ice’s lately and he missed her.

Still, someone from the baseball team, Ethan, tried to look up her skirt. She’d squirmed away, backing into the wall. Ethan had grabbed her arm, trying to pull her back from him.

He remembers pulling Ethan away from her, and when the kid laughed, saying it was just a joke, he’d pushed him, the kid skidding back into the chairs in the cafeteria.

His Mom was so mad that Aunt Sarah picked them up, making them dinner. When his Mom picked him up, she didn’t say a word to him until the next morning, when she told him he couldn’t keep doing this. That there were better ways to solve problems than with his fists. That she knew he didn’t like Uncle Mav’s daughter most days.

He had tried to protest, because he did like her, but she just wasn’t cool. Not like him.

She had just shook her head, saying she raised him better and to get in the car. When Uncle Mav’s daughter pulls him aside before the bell rings, muttering a quiet thank you, he resolves to never leave her side again.

He- He couldn’t be here.

How was he here?

But here he was, laughing alongside Bradley and Javy and your Dad-

Oh God, you were going to be sick.

His Dad, now an Admiral, stands next to Cyclone, who’d been convinced to come out with your team.

After more than three years together as a squadron, Cyclone had begrudgingly come to like the lot of pilots, relaxing even just the tiniest bit to come out for one drink for Harvard’s birthday.

His Dad, who’d been so instrumental in threatening your career, was standing there with your family, like it meant nothing.

You were going to be sick.

You walk to the other end of the bar, hoping to hide yourself in the crowd. You order a shot from Jimmy, but don’t drink it, letting it sit on the counter in front of you.

You should leave, you think, get out, text an apology to Harvard, telling him you weren't feeling good, Buddy had an accident, you needed-

An arm slithers across your shoulder, drawing your attention to the man next to you, offering his trademark smirk. “Howdy there, Rebel. Long time no see.”

At Top Gun, he’d been one of the best, beating you out for the trophy hands down. His callsign was Cobra, because like his animal counterparts, he was deadly.

Deadly in the way he flew.

Deadly in the way he interacted with others.

He meant to kill.

It also helped that his real name was-

“Cole Anderson.” You mutter, picking up the shot glass in your hand.

He leans closer, chuckling darkly. “Now, you know that’s not my name anymore darling.”

You knock back the shot, alcohol burning your throat. “Fuck off.”

He mock hisses, letting the hand that’s still not on your shoulder come up to his chest. “Oh how you wound me.” He makes a tst sound like with his tongue, something you can still feel up against your neck-

No.

“Careful girlie, we wouldn’t want your little found family to find out about your precious little secret now would we?”

It feels like someone has dumped a bucket of ice down your back as you go cold. He glances down to the ring on your left hand, picking it up, examining it.

You want to pull away, but you suddenly feel frozen.

“Wouldn’t want Bradshaw to know I hit it first. Hey, maybe we can compare notes, see if his fiancé’s any better than she was at Top Gun.”

You swallow, your eyes flickering back to your fiancé. Beer in hand, he’s laughing with Jake and Javy, not a care or clue in the world. Your eyes fall to your Dad, who’s in deep discussion with Admiral Anderson and Cyclone.

Cole’s eyes track to where you’re looking. He sighs, arm finally leaving your shoulder. “He’d be so disappointed in you if he knew.”

He’s sixteen the next time it happens.

It’s a sunny April day, warm and 80 degrees, towards the end of the school year.

She’d spent all night crying into his arms as he desperately tried to console her after she’d walked in on her boyfriend cheating on her with her best friend.

His Mom was getting sicker by the day.

Uncle Mav was around a lot more now, but he knew once his Mom was gone, so go would Mav.

He’s leaned up against the wall outside her History class, as she rubs her eyes tiredly. “Brad, can we get food after school? Or do you have practice?”

“No practice today. We can get food and then I’m dropping you off at Uncle Ice’s while I go to see Mom, right?”

You nod, opening your mouth to say something more when there’s a shout of your name from down the hallway. You both turn, your ex-boyfriend pushing people out of his way to reach you. You roll your eyes, turning to walk inside your classroom when he grabs your hand.

He pushes himself off the wall as you tear yourself out Ben’s grasp. “Leave me alone Ben.” You mumble, stepping back from him.

His eyes are wild, desperate, as he steps forward to reach for you again. “Please, you have to understand. It was an accident-”

“Oh, so your dick just accidentally fell into her best friend?” He seethes. Ben’s eyes snap up to him.

“Stay out of this Bradshaw.”

“Bradley, just leave it, he’s not worth it.”

“Not worth it? Sweetheart, I’m the best you’re ever gonna get.” Ben says through gritted teeth, reaching for you again, taking hold of your shoulders.

“Ben, let me go.” You say, trying to pull yourself from his grip.

“No! Not until you listen to me.”

He pushes the boy back from you, causing you to stumble. “Don’t fucking touch her again, do you understand me?” He asks, grabbing a fistful of Ben’s shirt in his hand.

“Oh yeah? What’re you going do about it Bradshaw?” Ben asks, getting in his face as best he can with Bradley’s hand still on his shirt.

“This.”

He barely recognizes what he’s doing before he’s swinging, fist colliding with the side of Ben’s face. Ben stumbles back, spitting out blood before he looks back up, lunging up for him.

Everything goes fuzzy until he’s sitting in the front office, ice pack to his cheek and a disappointed Maverick standing in front of him.

The next hour is a blur.

You remember the way your ears had started to ring after Cole had disappeared, the panic that had ripped through you that he might go tell them, the fear that was settling deep within you at seeing him again after you thought you never would.

You remember it being hard to breathe.

You remember Callie’s hand on your back as you emptied the contents of your stomach into the sand and again on the side of the road.

You remember Nat taking your keys from you, driving you home.

You remember Nat helping you change.

You remember the way she tried to talk to you but everything sounded mute as you stared numbly at her.

It’s not until Callie’s sitting down on your couch, handing you a steaming mug of tea and Buddy’s climbing up in your lap, settling his head on your thigh that you come back to yourself.

Nat and Callie are both watching you carefully as you remove one of your hands from the warm mug and move it to comb through Buddy’s hair, the dogs steady breathing helping to calm you.

“I don’t want to talk about it.” You finally say, not looking up from your golden retriever.

“He was one of the Army guys.” Nat begins, taking a deep breath. “One of the guys from West Point while I was at the Academy. He cornered me in a bathroom during the game.”

Your eyes still don’t leave your dog, even as you register what she’s saying and your hand stills.

“Basic training. Twice.” Callie whispers. “Fritz was who I went to after the second time. He begged me to tell but I never did.”

A lump forms in your throat as you look up towards the ceiling, trying to choke back your tears.

“Top Gun the first round. His was Dad was one of our instructors. He warned me what they would do if I talked. I didn’t listen and now there’s a black spot on my record. No one will ever believe me again.”

Callie reaches out gently, taking the mug from your hand before setting it on the coffee table.

“I believe you.” Callie whispers.

“As do I.” Nat says, taking your other hand and squeezing it.

The front door of the house opens at the moment, the noise of the boys entering the home.

“Cake time!” Harvard cheers as Buddy leaps off the couch to go greet the boys. Fritz and Omaha approach the couch, Omaha sitting on the arm next to Callie with Fritz wedging himself in between you and Callie.

“Everything okay?” Fritz whispers in your ear. “You guys disappeared really early.”

You shrug him off, standing up from the couch as Bob sits on the arm next to Natasha, Javy and Jake replacing you in the spot you'd been occupying on the couch.

“I’m just gonna grab your present from the kitchen.” You mumble, even though no one’s listening, the boys all chatting amongst themselves.

You feel off-kilter again, like one wrong move will send you spiraling for a second time this night.

Bradley’s grip is on your waist before you realize it as he presses a chaste kiss to your lips. “Honey, you’ll never guess who I ran into tonight.” He says, shrugging off his jacket. “Cole Anderson, that kid I gave a bloody nose to when I was, like, 7.”

Everything freezes.

It feels like all the air has dissipated from your lungs as your ears begin to ring.

The door shuts once more, your Dad coming in to view. “Man, seeing Admiral Anderson again tonight was so strange. Admiral Anderson, it’s got a nice ring to it.”

You look to Callie and Nat as if they might be able to help you, as they look on, concern etched on to their faces.

“He hurt you.” Fritz blurts out, as your eyes fly back to him. “He hurt you, didn’t he?”

You watch in real-time as the dominos begin to fall, the web of lies untangling before your very eyes.

Omaha clues in first.

Payback makes the connection next, Fanboy right after him.

Bob and Jake figure it out the same time Yale does. It would almost be comical if you didn’t feel like all the air was being squeezed out of your lungs.

Javy’s halfway out of his seat as you stumble back, afraid that if someone touched you now, you would shatter.

All you can do is watch your Dad visibly deflate as everything falls into place for him, understanding more than anyone else in the room does.

You don’t dare to look behind you to what Bradley’s reaction is, afraid you’ll see the moment he realizes you’re damaged goods.

It’s silent in the room until Omaha clears his throat. “For what it’s worth, Rebel, I believe you.”

A sob overtakes you before you can stop it, almost bringing you to your knees as arms wrap around your center, pulling you to their chest. They move your hair to one side, tucking their chin into your neck.

“You’re safe, I’m here.” He whispers. “Let it go, I’m here.”

“He made his career off of destroying mine.” You whimper.

Bradley shushes you softly, adjusting his grip on you and moving you so you can tuck your head into his shoulder. He whispers sweet nothings, mostly mumblings about how much he loves you, into your ear as you cry.

At some point, Bradley lowers the both of the two of you to the ground, letting you sit in his lap. Once he does, Buddy noses his way in between the two of you, nudging Bradley away so he can lick your tears.

“Buddy.” Bradley huffs. “Could you read the room please?”

You let out a strangled choke, almost a laugh if tears weren’t still falling down your face.

“Harvard, I ruined your birthday, I’m so sorry.” You cry, looking over to the man. His eyes go wide as he shakes his head.

“Rebel, please do not apologize. I don’t give two shits about my birthday. This, you, is more important.”

You shake your head, saying nothing more as you pull your dog to your chest, tucking your face into his fur.

“Mav left.” Bradley whispers, drawing small circles into your waist.

You shrug, pulling away from Buddy. “He’ll probably never talk to me again.”

“Do you want to talk about it?” Jake asks, unease filtering in his voice as he leans over to rest his arms on his knees. Javy vaguely looks like he might stab someone.

“The last time I talked about it, it nearly ruined my career.”

“Did Mav know?” Bradley asks.

“Kind of.” You breathe out, feeling yourself stand up. Your hands come up to rest on your shoulders, crisscrossed, as your fingernails dig into your back. “When it happened, I- I went to another female pilot on base. Fox was her callsign. I asked her for help and she looked me dead in the eyes and told me verbatim, for your sake, take what happened tonight and forget about it. She told me to never talk about it again or my career would be over. I didn’t believe her, I thought she was crazy. The Navy would have to care about what he did to me.”

You take a shuddering breath, unable to keep eye contact with anyone as you feel yourself begin to pace, fingernails beginning to claw at your skin.

“I went to the other instructor. I told him, I told him what happened and he just looked at me and asked what I wanted to do. I told him I wanted to make an official report of what happened. He told me they'd open up an investigation into him.” Your shoulders begin to shake as it suddenly becomes hard to breathe again.

“By the time the investigation was over, Cobra had a glowing review from every corner of the Navy about how he was an exemplary pilot and man. They labeled me as a liar. They were going to take my wings for filing a false report. The only reason they didn’t was because someone on the investigation committee knew I was Ice’s goddaughter. They said that it would be bad for a man like Ice’s reputation if word got out that his goddaughter fought her way to the Top Gun trophy by lying and trying to ruin a good man. I still don’t know if Ice ever found out. For once in my life, I’m glad he’s dead because I don’t think I could ever look him in the eye again if he knew.”

You desperately try to suck in another breath. “Dad has access to all of our files. He has access to mine.” You whisper, skin buzzing. “The contents of the investigation was sealed, but the black mark on my record doesn’t go away. The spot on my file that says I’m a liar, that I don’t work well with others, that I have a history of falsely accusing other pilots.”

A strangled sob works it’s way up through your chest and out of your throat as your fingernails dig into the soft part of your skin.

“The Navy has been punishing me every day since it happened. It’s why they sent me to fucking Germany three days before Christmas. It’s why they sent me to the Green Vipers, it’s why I never said anything about them either and why I lied to Davis. Dad was right, when he said I got lucky that the higher ups cared enough about what Ace and Atlantis were up to. For all he knew, his daughter was just going after another pilot to get her way.”

“Honey, you’re going to hurt yourself.” Bradley says, but the ringing in your ears is back, the only thing grounding you is the sting of the nails digging into the flesh of your arms. You might be drawing blood but you can’t tell.

“I said no more secrets and I’m sorry I lied, but I never wanted to think about this ever again, let alone talk about it. It was probably the darkest point in my life. My only regret is that I didn’t walk away, that I let the Navy punish me for years because I thought I deserved it. I made the mistake of trusting him. I thought the shit that happened when were kids was past us but he was still getting revenge on me for it. He wanted me to suffer. I thought I could trust him. He was my wingman, I was supposed to be able to trust him.”

Bradley’s hands are on you, trying to pull your fingers away from yourself but you pull away.

“I swore that no one would ever hurt me again. I would prove to myself and them that I learned. I wouldn’t trust anybody ever again. But then you people came along and I forgot that and I got comfortable. Too comfortable. I thought that I could forget it, that I could just pretend it never happened. But he’s back and he- do you know what he said to me tonight? He told me he wanted to go over there and ask you if I was as good as I was at Top Gun. I thought if I ran from it long enough I could pretend that I wasn’t- that I’m- that I’m not some cheap whore, nothing but damaged goods that have been passed around.”

It’s silent for a moment as you try to catch your breath, unable to cry anymore tears. Bradley takes cautious steps towards you, gently pulling your hands away from you. Your fingertips are stained with blood, you note, as his eyes search your face.

“Honey, I love you.”

The words that he’s always spoken as a promise make you whimper, a small reassurance that this hasn’t changed how he felt about it.

“Honey, what happened to you was not your fault, do you understand me? That blame lies with Cole Anderson and Cole Anderson only. You are a not a cheap whore and you are not passed around damaged goods. You are fucking Rebel Mitchell, my fiancé and the love of my life. You are one of the best people I know. You are so much more than what he did to you to every single person in this room. No one is angry at you and no one blames you. No one.”

“You didn’t deserve it.” Javy says from the couch. “Never ever did you deserve that because Rooster gave him a bloody nose when you guys were in elementary school.”

“What Cole did was learned. He knew that his Dad hated us. He would do anything it took to destroy the Mitchell name, just like his father. He knew what he was doing to you and you can’t be blamed for any of it.” Bradley adds.

“Dad’s never going to forgive himself.” You whisper.

“That’s not on you.” Bradley says firmly. “That is not your weight to carry. Maverick made his choices.”

“I should’ve been smarter.”

“No.” Fritz says with such conviction you’re forced to meet his eye. He’s got a hand on Callie’s thigh, squeezing it ever so gently. “No one deserves that and it is never, ever the victim’s fault. You did the brave thing, reporting it. You did the right thing, reporting it. I am proud of you for having the strength to do that, and to do it alone.”

Callie stands up, pulling you into a hug. Your arms automatically wrap around her as she cries into your shoulder. “I’m sorry.” You whisper as the familiar feel of Natasha’s arms meet the two of you in a group hug.

“Don’t be.” She whispers. “It happened and I can’t go back and change it. I’m just glad you don’t have to carry this alone anymore.”

You nod, a lump appearing in your throat at her words.

You didn’t have to carry it alone anymore.

He’s in his forties the next time he protect his girl.

She wouldn’t like it if she knew he was here but this is their team’s little secret. The girls don’t need to know.

Anderson turns, a smile lighting up his face. “Bradshaw, man!”

He strides towards him, punching him before he can think better of it.

Cole stumbles back, hand reaching up to touch his jaw. “Bradshaw, what the fuck, man?”

He grab’s Cole’s shirt, pulling him close. “You stay away from her or I’ll fucking kill you, I swear to God.”

He expects some sort of sneering remark from him, something nasty, but he doesn’t expect the pure fear that appears. “Bradshaw, Bradley, man, listen, we were kids, what-”

“She was a kid, Cole. She wasn’t even 25 and you took everything from her. You knew what you were doing and if you ever go anywhere near her again, I will kill you. I will make you pay for what you did to her.”

“My Dad-”

“Knew what what he was doing too.”

“Rooster I’m sorry.” Cole gasps out, eyes wide.

“You better be.” He growls. “You’re lucky I don’t beat the crap out of you, do what I couldn’t do when I was seven. You’re even more lucky I don’t let them have my leftovers.” He says, jerking his head back to the other pilots. “Are we clear?”

Cole nods frantically, grasping at his hands to try and get away. He tosses him back on to the ground, Cole’s body making a rather nasty thump as he greets the ground. “Good.”

He turns around, heading back to his car.

If he happens to watch Coyote give Anderson a black eye from the driver’s seat of the Bronco, well, that’s between him and Coyote.

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