#now she throws crazy parties at her crib & invites everyone

[plumbewb]

retired emo/club kid who has had too many run ins with the law (she just can’t go out past a certain time now lol), who also happens to be the drug dealer for her apartment complex. <3~

[lord-explosion-baku]

Opia Night 2

Vampire!Shinsou x reader

Warnings: alcohol mentions, mentions of blood, dumb mc, campy vampire bullshit, swearing

A/N: ahhhhh. okay. so. this was a tough write. I think I got stuck because i started taking myself too seriously and then i just started throwing words out left and right. this is very back and forth, no-goal-reached, bullshit. I mean, getting from point A to point B is r o u g h, bro. Im SO SORRY. I was trying to make this natural and it just AINT. she’s messy today and it’s fine. Gotta just post what we can when we can lmfao. SOO! I’m aware that this chapter isn’t good, but I do hope that you find it entertaining regardless! I promise Night 3 will be better!

(PLEASE DO NOT REPOST MY WORK ANYWHERE WITHOUT MY PERMISSION)

Night One

Night Two

You woke up to your phone buzzing next to your head on your pillow. Once, twice, and the third double-vibration made you realize that you were not going to be going back to sleep any time soon. Blinking at your window, you groaned at the flecks of dust that were lit up by the golden remnants of twilight. You’d slept most of your Friday away after slaving away on your school work Monday through Thursday. You tried telling yourself that you deserved the rest, but sleeping through sunlight has become habitual to you when you had nothing else going on. When you woke up from your coma, you would usually sleep some more. Usually.

The phone on your bed was alight with three unread messages, all saying something different, but with the same invitation handed out:

Kirishima(7:02): hey :)

Sero(7:07): you busy?

Kaminari(7:15): babe! partaaay tonite!!!! come over!

Again, you groaned.

The last night you’d spent over at their house was a complete disaster. You totally embarrassed yourself by screaming out of nowhere. Or so it seemed to have come out of nowhere to everyone else who heard you; what you thought you had witnessed went completely unnoticed to everyone at the last party. But to you, it was so vivid.

Purple-haired-couch-kid. Fangs. Blood.

You completely freaked and locked yourself in the bathroom. It took both Kirishima and Sero to coax you out after you battled the idea of calling the cops to their house. When you came out, there was a swarm of kids eyeing you like you were crazy. You asked to see Kodai. She appeared. She was unharmed: no blood, no marks, no recollection of any handsome boy who took a bite out of her wrist. Kamianri’s garage-sale couch had been occupied by no extremely handsome man, and there were no purple-haired people to be seen at the party afterwards.

It wasn’t something you could have imagined unless your drink had been spiked, but you thought you were pretty careful when it came to open containers! And besides, who’d want to spike your drink with hallucinogens. Getting you high could have been a prank or someone thinking they were doing the rest of the party-goers a favor, but to what you could tell, nobody else was seeing shit. So maybe you were crazy. Maybe there was no alluring voice speaking to you in your head, and your psyche had suddenly broken out of the damn blue. In the psychology class you took freshman year, you learned a lot about different mental illnesses that cause hallucinations and paranoia. Maybe you had to get yourself checked out.

Your phone buzzed again.

Kaminari: Kiri is gonna be real bummed if you don’t come :”(

Well, that was on him. You couldn’t really imagine why you would receive such a welcome invitation to another one of their parties after the big fuss you made. After you realized Kodai wasn’t in trouble, you stormed home; you lived close enough, so it was fine to leave your car there. You didn’t speak to anyone about what happened afterwards, so you were sure you’d be snubbed by your friends for at least a little bit. You figured that… if they wanted something else from you, maybe the rule of party fouls would be ignored.

You sighed, knowing that even though Kirishima definitely had a crush on you, he was still your friend and a great guy. You couldn’t think bitterly of him just because he might’ve wanted to kiss you on several occasions when you were just hanging out. You did sleep with him once, back in the day, but you both agreed to just be friends afterward. You were… kinda wild back then and didn’t like the idea of having a boyfriend. Kirishima tried to be understanding, but every now and then, you’d see him look at you with those sad, puppy-dog eyes.

There was a bleep! and you saw that you got a Snapchat notification from Sero. You pursed your lips and opened it to see a video of Kaminari singing your name, pushing Kirishima’s shoulder, and a chorus of several people making gross kissing noises at the two of them. You rolled your eyes and were about to close the video, but something—no, someone—in the background caught your eye.

You replayed the snap. There was singing, gross kissing noises, and him—right at the end of the video. He was only there for the last two seconds of the video, but those mesmerizing indigo eyes leering at the phone camera seemed to grab you by the throat.

You didn’t fucking imagine him. You didn’t fucking imagine him.

Sliding the screen to show the front-facing camera, you grimaced at your face. You rubbed the sleep out of your eyes and snapped a quick photo with the tag, ‘who is all there rn?’

Kaminari’s reply came instantly. It was another video of people hooting in the kitchen taking shots. Sero was sniffing at a rough-looking pineapple and Kaminari was yelling.

“Who is all here right now?!” Kaminari called and cheers came as a response. Kaminari turned the camera to face his grinning self. Kirishima was in the background checking his hair in the mirror. When he saw that the camera was in him, he flexed his arm, the dork. Then, Kamimari threw his arm around somebody, and pulled him into frame. You actually gasped.

“Why, the whole word is here, babe! Come overrrr!” Kaminari sang at you, but you weren’t paying any attention to him. Purple-haired-couch-kid was side-eyeing your drunken friend, but when he looked into the camera, he appeared to be amused. He wasn’t as dressed up as he was two weeks ago; he just had on a plane black T-shirt with the same ropey necklaces. The camera didn’t do his likeness any justice. The shadows under his eyes seemed to be much darker, and his skin was straight-up pale. Still, his gorgeous lavender eyes had you captivated. He was all you could see.

Purple-haired-guy’s ivory arm wrapped around Kaminari’s shoulder. He grinned, the whites of his teeth gleaming dangerously at the camera, squeezed Kaminari against him, and the video ended. You were too enamored to even thinking of taking a screenshot and you couldn’t replay the snap.

You cursed and covered your eyes with your pillow. You really were planning on sleeping the rest of the night away—maybe put on some cheesy soaps you could snicker at before zonking out. But now, it seemed, you didn’t have any choice but to go to the party. You had to see him.

A shower and a quick trip to the liquor store later and you were showing up to your friends’ rented domain with a six pack in hand. You entered without knocking. They never had the door locked; it was a constant open-invitation to ‘Denki’s Dank Crib’ as Kaminari wished people would call it.

You were immediately slapped in the face with human musk and you were glad to be wearing something more light: a white, chiffon top over your sunflower skirt with yellow, scrappy heels. It wasn’t everyday that you wanted to dress nicely, but as ridiculous as the concept was, if you did see the purple-haired-couch-kid… you wanted to look nice.

“Hey, you! Glad you could make it!” Strong arms pulled you into Kirishima’s hard chest. He smelled like sweat and old spice. He held you for two seconds too long, going so far as to rest his nose on the top of your head, before you pulled away, offering him a friendly smile. “Your conditioner smells nice!”

“Hah… thanks.” You grimaced.

“Oh, I’m sorry! That was really creepy! I’m sorry!” A slow blush bloomed on Kirishima’s cheeks. “I wasn’t trying to be weird. I might’ve had a few drinks already and I just… uh…”

Lending him a saving grace, you lifted the six pack up. “Care for another?”

“D’aww, you didn’t have to grab beer!” Kirishima grabbed the six pack from you. “I do love this stuff though! Thank you!”

“I couldn’t come here empty handed. It’s the least that I can do after what happened last time.” You started walking towards the kitchen, keeping an eye out for the purple guy or Kaminari.

“What happened last time?”

“You know,” you said while Kirishima cracked open a bottle, “when I had a freak out?”

“Freak out?” He offered you the bottle, but you shook your head. “What do you mean?”

You scanned the kitchen and saw only a few kids you didn’t know and Sero messing around with some frothy, yellow liquid in a beat-up blender. Looking to your right, you saw that there was nobody occupying Kaminari’s old loveseat. It wasn’t like you were expecting to see him there with what—Kaminari on his lap?—but it didn’t hurt to check.

“Like when I screamed and locked myself in the bathroom,” you said. “Then I left without saying goodbye.”

Kirishima’s brows crinkled. “I don’t remember you screaming or anything like that. You did leave a little suddenly, and I was bummed for like a minute, but that’s yesterday’s news. You’re here tonight!”

“Kiri, I was standing right next to you when I threw a fit. You don’t remember? You got me out of the bathroom.”

Kirishima shook his head. “Are you sure that was me?”

You were positive. You were definitely leaning on him, talking about how you didn’t need any boys, and Kirishima was warm like he always was when you touched him. You turned to look back at the couch and then you saw that purple guy bite Yui Kodai! Everyone heard you!

“You’re here!”

Sero zoomed towards you with two large cups of something in-hand. He gave you a bright smile and offered you one of the cups. “As soon as I heard you were heading over, I started making these! Piña coladas!”

“Oh…” you took the drink and gazed into the glass. It was yellow and mushy. Thinking back on your original theory—being drugged—you gave him a tight, closed-mouth grin. “What’s in it?”

“Uhh… Pineapple, coconut rum, and ice?” Seeing the unsure look on your face, Sero hastily added, “the pineapple was close to expiring, but I tasted it, and it’s still fine! Promise.”

“Did you even blend it right?” Kirishima asked, peering into your cup. “It looks like it’s breathing.”

“It’s not my fault our blender is janky!” Sero shot back. “I’m not the one who’s always making weird, keto-friendly protein shakes with, like, kale and shit added in every morning like some sort of psychopath.”

“It’s not crazy to be looking after my body. In fact, you could learn something from me!” Kirishima poked Sero in the ribs. “Skinny.”

“I’m not skinny,” Sero argued, flinching away. He lifted up his shirt to reveal his tight, well-kept abdomen. “I’m lean.” Sero smirked when he caught you staring.

“Alright, well, our girl only deserves the best service, and this ain’t it, chief.” Kirishima reaches to take the atrocity out of your hand, but seeing Sero’s dejected face, you pulled away.

“This is fine,” you promised warily. Beside yourself, you took a sip of Sero’s sloshy creation. You got a big chunk of pineapple in your mouth and chewed the rum out. The parts that weren’t chunks were all watery, like you were drinking straight rum. You forced yourself to smile. “It… tastes good at least.”

Sero was ecstatic. “Lovin’ your look, by the way. Yellow heels look good on you.”

Kirishima rolled his eyes and placed a hand on your back. “C’mon, you don’t have to be nice to him. Lemme make you something good in the kitchen.”

“Oh, wait, Sero. I wanted to apologize to you too!”

Sero raised a brow. “Apologize?”

“Yeah...” You turned your head from Sero to Kirishima, hoping for any sign of recognition. “For freaking out. Screaming. Locking myself in the bathroom. All those good things.”

“Oh,” Sero said. “Yeah, well, you’re forgiven.”

“So you remember!” You beamed.

Sero’s hand went to the back of his neck. “To be honest, I don’t remember a lot about the last party. I think Denki broke a table—“

“You helped him break the table,” Kirishima interjected.

“—aaand someone stole my good bong? That’s it. I’m sorry you had a bad time, though. Hopefully you’ll have more fun tonight! Kaminari bought a karaoke set. It’s got all the shitty songs they’re playing on the radio right now.”

“Where is Denki,” you asked, looking around. Damn it, if nobody remembered you screaming, at least you could count on Kaminari possibly getting the name of the kid who he had his arms around in that video he sent you.

“Off somewhere being a dumbass.” Sero waved his hand absently at the crowd of kids in the living room. “You wanna smoke? I just got a new bong and it hits pretty smoothly. Or maybe you wanna try karaoke? Though you would probably wanna get a couple drinks in before that, huh?”

“Ah, maybe later. I just gotta find Denki.”

“Why?” Kirishima asked suspiciously.

“I just gotta ask him something…” you pulled out your phone and dialed his number. It rang three times before getting to his raunchy voicemail. You scoffed.

“He could be up in his room,” Kirishima suggested.

“With a chick?” Asked Sero, amused. You made a face and Sero quickly corrected himself, saying, “I mean… with a nice lady?”

“Who’s to say.” You took a sip of Sero’s special beverage. It was gross, but you were here, and probably getting a little annoyed. You came out, so you might as well try to enjoy yourself.

“I’m sure he’ll come down eventually. If he really is with a girl, he’ll be down soon, and he’ll be hungry,” said Kirishima. “Hey, I’m gonna be ordering a pizza. Any topping preference? I was gonna get a few and wanted to make sure—oh, hey!! Bakugou!”

Your eyes followed Kirishima’s to see some grouchy-looking blonde kid coming in from the front door. You took advantage of both Sero and Kirishima greeting the guy with high-fives and fist-bumps, and made your way into the dining room where kids were playing a drinking game on a broken table.

You chatted a bit with a few kids you hadn’t met before, a girl whose name you forgot from the biology class you took last semester, and some guy who was so drunk you couldn’t comprehend a single mumble that rolled off his tongue. Nobody seemed to know where Kaminari was. Nobody seemed to have seen any boy with purple hair and an angelic face...

You scooted past three boys who were playing some stupid slapping game and into the living room. You sat down on the couch and checked in on your phone messages. It’s been two hours since Kaminari last texted you to come over. You thought about shooting him a text now, but—

‘Do you realize that all of the air in the room goes out when you walk in?’

You choked on air, as embarrassing as that was, and looked up, expecting to see someone who spoke to you. Nobody was paying you any mind for Kaminari's shitty couch, but you knew you heard that titillating voice, and it wasn’t because you were crazy.

‘Such a pretty little thing to be left all alone at a party. Did you lose your fan club?’

“Actually, I chose to sit here by myself,” you said aloud, minding the few people who actually turned to see you talking to yourself. You shrunk back into the couch and pretended to be taking a video of yourself.

‘Well, I’m sure. It’s a comfortable couch, afterall—better when shared.’

Oh, so this voice was a dirty, little thot. You clicked your tongue and texted Kaminari. ‘Hey, I’m here. Where are you?’

Kaminari(11:02): side yard.

Hopping up, you headed for the sliding patio door.

‘Eager to see your babe, babe?’

“Oh, shut up!” You hissed while walking outside and a girl watching a beer pong game frowned at you. You weren’t sure, you thought that you could hear a chuckle in the very far back-end of your head.

Kaminari was in the side yard, thank god. He was leaning against the house, staring absently at the side gate. He was alone, not on his phone or anything to keep him busy. He was just standing there.

“Hey, Kami!”

Kaminari barely turned his head towards you when he said, “hey...”

“I’ve been looking everywhere for you! What are you doing hiding away in the side yard?”

“‘m just chillin’. Waitin’ for my friend…”

“A friend?” You asked. “Kaminari, are you okay?”

“Of course,” Kaminari said, still staring at the side gate. “I’ve never been better… it’s a nice night…”

You stepped out in front of him. Kaminari didn’t meet your gaze; his yellow eyes were hazy and blank. You waved your hand in front of his face and he didn’t even react.

“Kami…”

“It’s a real nice night,” he repeated dreamily. “I‘m waiting for a friend...”

“What friend, Kami? Who are you waiting for?”

“Uhh… Dunno. He just left…”

“What does he look like?” You asked, growing impatient. Kaminari wasn’t the brightest, but he was never really this slow. There was something wrong with him.

“Hmmm… like the moon…”

“Denki.”

“...”

“I saw you near a kid with purple hair and a lot of jewelry in some of the snaps you sent, Kaminari. Do you know where I might be able to find him? He was at the last party too.”

“Yeah... That’s my friend…”

Thank god, thank god someone else knew who the hell you were talking about. “Do you know where he went?”

“To get a snack…” At that, Kaminari cracked a grin.

Fangs and blood flashed in your mind. You clenched your teeth together. If you remembered correctly, perhaps purple-haired-couch-kid’s idea of a snack wasn’t suitable for this party. You grabbed his wrist. “C’mon, let's go back inside. You need some water.”

But when you turned back to your house, you bumped right into what felt like a brick wall. But it wasn’t a brick wall. This barrier was a person whose ivory skin practically glowed an eerie white under the moonlight. This barrier was a person whose indigo eyes scanned you like a marauder finding his treasure. This barrier was a person whose flushed lips tugged up into a smirk when you shrieked.

Your stomach sank when he laughed at you after you leapt back and against Kaminari’s chest. Kaminari placed a gentle hand on your shoulder, as if he was trying to be reassuring, but his touch was too light and vacant to do much to calm you.

Goosebumps crawled up your skin when you took in couch-kid’s sudden appearance. You were mad at yourself for thinking that even though he was frightening in the dark, his sharp jawline was practically begging to be nibbled on.

Jesus, what the fuck was wrong with you?! You couldn’t be thinking about hooking up with strangers that bite while Denki was high and everyone else was forgetting shit! You shook your head and scowled.

“Sorry about that… didn’t mean to scare you.” Your heart did a little jump at hearing his voice for the first time. At least, you were pretty sure this was the first time you’d heard it. It did sound oddly familiar, but you couldn’t quite place it.  

Couch-kid held out his hand. For a second, you thought he was going to shake your hand, but then you saw that he was holding a wrapped cereal bar. Froot Loops. “Here you go, Denki.”

Kaminari’s arm snaked through the opening between your arm and waist to grab the treat. Your body nearly vibrated from being only just a couple inches away from Couch-kid’s finger tips. His arms were nice—white and long, but strong, with a few prominent veins running up them. Did he drink weird, keto-friendly protein shakes with kale and shit added in them like Kirishima? Why did you care?

“Oh man, thanks Shinsou. I was starting to get dizzy,” Kaminari said, unwrapping the sweet treat. You heard him crunching from behind you, and you don’t know why, but you were suddenly very irritated with his presence. You shouldn’t have been. There was obviously something going on with him and you should’ve been wanting to help him out, but then, you really wanted to be alone with Couch-kid. The thought just made you more agitated.

“Not a problem,” Couch-kid—Shinsou—purred. He didn’t look at Kaminari when he spoke; he was eyeing you.

“Shinsou,” you said, pulling at the hem of your skirt. Did he remember you? Did he think you were dumb for staring at him without saying anything for so long back at the last party?

“That’s me.” Shinsou grinned. This time, he took your hand, rather than offering his, and kissed the back of your wrist. You honestly would have swooned if you didn’t see him do the exact same thing to Yui Kodai just a short while ago. Still, his cool lips making contact with your skin made tiny electric currents shoot up from your arm, to your neck. You shuddered. “I don’t think we’ve officially met. It’s a pleasure to make your acquaintance.”

“The, uh… pleasure’s all mine?” That was what they said in the movies, right? Cheesy soaps, whomst? What a weird thing to say, anyways. Even still, as silly as that old-time greeting was, he could’ve easily said something as ridiculous as, ‘charmed, I’m sure,’ and you still wouldn’t have been able to muster out a bark of laughter like you would with literally anywhere else.

“Denki, didn’t you say you wanted to go sing some karaoke?” Shinsou asked, his eyes still on you.

“I did say that,” Kaminari said, taking another bite out of his cereal bar. “Karaoke sounds nice…” And without any ceremony, he started walking. Sliding past you, he made his way down the side of the house. Just like that?! He was going to leave you with a stranger?

You called, “wait! Kaminari... are you really okay? You were acting a little funky just a minute ago.”

“Mmm, yeah, I’m fine. I just really wanted cereal.” Kaminari wiggled the now empty bar wrapper in the air. “But Shinsou took very good care of me…” That faraway look returned to his eyes when he said, “I’ll catch you later, babe.” With that, he was gone, leaving you alone with a guy who simultaneously made the hair on the back of your neck stand up and your heart melt with a quirk of his brow.

Shinsou’s eyes scanned over you, up from where your hand was bunched up in your skirt, to your torso, your collar bones, your lips, then back down to your neck. Unease settled over you when his eyes finally met yours and you had to quickly look away. You wished that  you were anywhere else in the world. You also wished you could think of something, anything, to say to him, but asking about Kodai seemed to be so wrong to you, at the moment, and the last time either of you had interacted, you were about to hop into his lap!

Finally, you mustered, “do you know if he smoked anything? He really wasn’t acting like his usual self. I’m worried something might be wrong…”

“Not to my knowledge. He might’ve had a couple drinks though,” Shinsou said. There was another long pause, and you fought your brain to come up up a normal conversational topic, but Shinsou beat you to to the punch. “Is he your boyfriend?”  

“What? No!” You still couldn’t look him in the eye as you answered. You hoped that it was dark enough to be able to hide your flushing face. “He’s really just a friend.”

“He calls you ‘babe’, though.”

“Yeah, well, if you put a skirt on, I’m sure he’d call you babe too.” You shrugged. “He’s just a flirt.”

“You weren’t wearing a skirt at that last party,” Shinsou mused, which gave you a little rush. He remembered you. “And he still called you babe.”

You pressed your lips together to keep from smiling, but your humor rang out in your voice when you asked, “are you interested in him or something? Because I can go get him back for you, if you want. I’m pretty sure he dated a guy our sophomore year.”

Shinsou clicked his tongue, amused. “It’s not him I’m interested in. Not really my type.”

“Right, right,” you laughed, gaining more confidence. “Well, I haven’t seen Kodai here tonight, but I think I have her number saved. Would you like me to give her a ring? It’s the least I can do for you taking care of my poor, dumb not-boyfriend while I was away.”

You reached inside your purse to grab your phone. You really would have called her, but before you could even touch your phone, Shinsou’s fingers were wrapped around your wrist. You almost yelped. Shinsou’s fingers were much cooler than his lips were and it surprised you.

“I knew you were jealous,” he remarked darkly. Immediately, you yanked your arm free, but that only prompted him to grab your wrist from a newer angle. You narrowed in on him, ready to bite—he was someone you didn’t know grabbing you, so obviously you had every right to—but as soon as you gazed into his eyes, you were lost.

His pupils were abyssal; so dark that they appeared white. Looking at him, your body felt cool—numb almost. Beyond any control, your body relaxed which made you lose your tight grip of Sero’s shitty piña colada. You didn’t even care about the cold, sloshy mess splattering over your heels.

Shinsou backed you into the wall, his stare intense, his lips parted and amused. He planted his free hand on your arm and took his time running it up to your shoulder, your neck. The tips of his fingers lightly danced across your jugular, the pad of his thumb slowly running up and down the pulsing vein. He scrutinized you dangerously, daring you to move, to run, to scream for help. Not knowing whether you were scared or aroused, you let him touch you, though ‘let’ didn’t seem like the appropriate word. It was like you had no other choice. He wanted to study you, so he would, and you would not object. So naturally, when Shinsou slid his hand to the nape of your neck, you turned to grant him access to what you knew what he really wanted.

He first pressed his nose up against your skin and inhaled deeply. You shivered as he groaned, “I’ve been waiting for you for too damn long. My sanguine.”

When Shinsou’s lips pressed against your flesh, you melted. Every nerve-ending in your body set aflame; you were no closer to fleeing the scene than you were indulging in the sweet sensation that his kiss had to offer. His cool tongue traveled up your neck, sending waves of jubilant shivers down your spine. His fingers hooked around your shoulder as he deepened the kiss. You felt a tingling sensation warming up between your legs that was only a tiny bit eased when he lodged his knee between you. His hand slid down your back where he pulled you on to him more comfortably; held up by his thigh, his arm, and nothing more.

“Nhhh-“ you tried to object, like you should, like you knew you wanted to, but a carnal urge pulled at the strings of your willpower. Whether he kissed you, or killed you, you wouldn’t be able to deny him his satisfaction. You would give him, Shinsou, a stranger, anything he wanted at any given moment.

But when you heard your name called from inside, the spell was broken.  

You tensed. Shinsou’s lips froze against your skin. You felt his hands tighten around you protectively, possessively, and you knew you were in deep shit.

“Kiri,” you whispered despite wanting nothing more than to say another man’s name. Kirishima was looking for you and yet, here you were, in his side yard, with another boy. Perhaps you hadn’t changed as much as you originally thought you had.

“Don’t-!” Shinsou hissed when you tried to pull away. There was urgency in his voice, something unexpected from him. His eyes were desperate and hungry. Terrifying. It felt good knowing that he wanted to keep you, and that thought was more frightening than what you thought was his original intentions. Fingers slid their way to your waist, and Shinsou bowed his head, dipping in to kiss your lips, but before he could, your hand fell on his face.

It wasn’t a slap, no. You literally put your entire ass palm on his face to save yourself from a kiss you actually wanted.

“O-oh god!” You stuttered out. Beyond any responsible control, you shoved his head back. “I’m sorry!”

Finally freed, you bolted a good five feet away from him, back towards the house. Your assaulter gazed at you with surprise, sleepy eyes rounded in a sort of sincere, pitiful way, but you couldn’t let his dejection get to you. You swallowed harshly as you backed away from him and the wall, going against every fiber in your body telling you to stay put, to stay at his side, to let him satiate any and all needs that he had.

The thing is, you would have. Despite not being able to bark out the half-dozen questions you had for him (why do you bite people? Why can’t anybody remember you? Why do I think I can hear your voice in my head? Why the sudden smooches? What the fuck?) you would have stayed with him there, had you not heard your name called a second time.

“Leaving so soon?” Shinsou asked, gaining some composure, though as lax as he tried to make himself seem, there was an imperative note in his tone. “Don’t want to let your fan club down, I guess.” His voice was a shrug. “And here I thought you were going around asking about me.”

That was so excruciatingly embarrassing; being caught showing interest. Did he know how many people you spoke to? You wished you could wither up and blow away right then and there.

You glanced through the glass door to see Kirishima holding his phone up to your ear. A second later, your phone started buzzing. You ignored it.

“I guess I just wanted to know who you were, is all,” you said, a perfectly normal response. That was you: calm, cool, and collected—totally not willing to makeout with extremely hot strangers out of nowhere. “I haven’t seen you around before that last party…” which would be a perfectly fine segue into asking him why he bit Yui Kodai, if only you could will your body to ask!

“So you’re satisfied?”

“Uh-huh!” Not at all. Not at all. But that didn’t stop you from turning back towards the house.

‘Liar.’

Your body went cold. The voice rang too clearly to have been said aloud, but it was definitely his. In. Your. Head.

“What did you say?” You asked, turning back, trying to keep your tone steady. You didn’t know why, but you thought it would be bad if he heard your voice crack or squeak.

“I asked if you were satisfied. We barely got to converse and yet, you’re skittering away after making such a fuss about finding me. Why is that?”

“I’m not skittering away and—hey!” You put your hands on your hips. “You called me a liar just now, didn’t you?”

Shinsou placed his hands in his hips, mocking you. “I said no such thing!”

“Well, no, maybe you didn’t say it with your mouth…”

“What else would I have said it with? My hips?” He smirked. “Are you sure it wasn’t your own conscience calling you out?”

You scoffed. You couldn’t believe he was teasing you!” And what about your conscience?! Do you just go around attacking people’s necks out of nowhere like that as a hobby?!”

“Interesting choice of words,” he chuckled. “No, I wouldn’t say attacking people is a hobby, but more of a necessity. And I don’t usually go for the neck, either. I save that intimacy for victims who are a little more willing…”

‘Really, I wouldn’t want a single drop of you to run down your arms, anyways.’

“Willing?!” You started, incredulous. You pointed a shaking finger at him and continued with, “you really have a thing or two to learn about cons-!”

“Hey!” Kirishima was sliding the door to patio open. “I was looking for you! The pizza’s almost gone, but I saved you a couple slices.” He looked at you and registered the expression on your face. His eyes narrowed as he approached you. “Who are you talking to?”

But when Kirishima looked down the side yard, there was nobody there—just the slushy remains of your piña colada. He bent down to pick the cup up to see you shaken, wordless. “What happened?”

You could only shake your head. Because you didn’t know what happened—you didn’t know anything! Shinsou was there and now he wasn’t, and the more you tried to say anything on the matter, the more the words got stuck at the back of your throat.

“Hey,” Kirishima said, full of concern. He grabbed both of your trembling hands and wound his fingers through yours. That was intimate. Something sweet. Something that was supposed to be reassuring. What in the hell was supposed to be intimate about a guy you barely met narrowing in on your neck like that.

You sighed and allowed your head to fall against Kirishima’s chest. He wrapped his arms around you and held you close while that angry blonde kid, Bakugou, appeared at the doorway, munching on a slice of pizza (probably the last one.) He took one look at you, rolled his eyes, and walked away. Kirishima asked you what happened once more. You said, “I’d just really like to get home.”

“Let me walk with you,” Kirishima whispered. That would be pulling him away from his own party, but he didn’t seem to care about that. The world really needed more Kirishimas.

“Okay.”

Making your way through the house, you saw Kaminari in the living room slurring the lyrics to a lame song, Sero cheering him on while simultaneously recording every word, and Bakugou glaring out the front window. Kirishima quickly told Sero where the two of you were headed which made Sero form a tight line with his mouth. After seeing the stricken expression on your face, Sero seemed to ease up a bit.

Kirishima held your hand while he walked with you. He tried to make light conversation, attempting to get your mind off of whatever happened when you were alone in his side yard, but you couldn’t entertain him with idle chit chat. The entire walk home, you thought you felt somebody’s watchful gaze on you.

TAGS FOR EVERYTHING (CLOSED): @ayeputita @yandere-inamorata @dee-madwriter @unboundbnha @rizamendoza808, @lemonlordleah-shinzawa-kitten @rubycubix@smbody-stole-mycar-radio @zellllyyyy@sarcastictextstuck@kpanime @captain-sin-allmight-queen @psionicsnow@wickedlewicked @ghost-of-todoroki @kattariapenn@im-an-adult-sometimes @bnhya @local-senpai@eggpienutbuttercroissant@usernamekate94 @reyvenclaww @hi-ho-and-hello

[lonelypond]

Parent Trap, Ch. 8

NicoMaki, NozoEli, Love Live, 3K, 8/?

A chapter full of conversations.

And We Talk

Clack...clack, light but solid, bamboo striking bamboo, Nico sliding closer to Umi, the pace of her blows picking up, as Umi manuevered her sword to parry, easily absorbing the increasingly frantic energy Nico forced into each strike. Sensing Nico’s flagging stamina, Umi dropped to one knee, rising with a strike that forced Nico to block behind her, Umi’s blade sliding off, and Nico leaping into a overhand strike, which Umi parried and then forced Nico’s sword down.

“So are you going to tell me now why you’re paying me three times my normal rate to choreograph a fight scene for you.”

Nico stepped back, freeing her sword, then attacking again, sliding forward, dodging to the side, pushing back, but found Umi always there to calmly parry.

“It’s like a dance.” Nico struck Umi’s sword rapidly and repeatedly as she slid to the right, then pushed forward, Umi responding to each movement.

“Perhaps.” Umi held up a hand, “Let’s take a water break.”

“If you need one. Nico’s fine.”

Umi raised an eyebrow at the obvious sweat rolling down Nico’s face. Nico scowled as she swiped a forearm over her forehead. “It’s hot in here.”

“You were too hasty. I prefer to work at half speed to perfect techniques.”

“Nico needed a workout.”

Umi chuckled, “My training dummy rates are much cheaper than even my stunt choreography hourly.”

Nico grabbed her water bottle, “Ha! Nico will pay both.”

Umi watched, concerned. She didn’t know Nico that well, but something was obviously disturbing her. Nico sat on the bench, slumping forward, head hanging down, more than physical exhaustion weighting her.

“Hypothetically…” Nico began.

“Yes?”

“Let’s say you were a guy and you found out you had a child you didn’t know about.” Nico glanced up, her ruby eyes challenging Umi to flinch, but Umi remained solid. “What would you do?”

“Everything I could to help the mother.”

“Just like that.”

Umi shrugged, “If I had a child, I would have had a committed relationship with the mother of the child. If she chose not to include me at first, but then later reached out, that does nothing to change my responsibility as a parent or my affection as a…” Umi stumbled, Nico leaned forward, curious. Umi had always been almost prudish about her relationship with Kotori, “a former paramor.”

“No one night stands.”

“No.”

Nico raised her water bottle in a salute.

“Is this about Maki?”

“I thought you didn’t spend time on TWIG?”

“Kotori does.”

“Nico knew that. What does she think?”

“You never looked like you had baby weight. And she wants to design you a dress.”

“We’ll talk. And not hypothetically, like Nico’s question.”

Umi did a slow sword sequence as she considered how to continue the conversation. “What does this hypothetical guy want?”

“Romance, love, being there...the complete package. ” Nico was slumped again.

“Can’t Maki be part of the complete package?”

Nico glared. “It’s not that easy. Everything’s backwards. Nico’s backwards.”

Umi, not letting Nico look away, went through a series of movements that made Umi look like a river rolling along in its bed, graceful, surging, continuing. “Some things are just natural, Nico.”

“Not with everyone who has a phone and the TWIG app watching.”

Umi settled into ready pose. “So close the app. Step off the stage. Seize the opportunity.”

Nico had her sword in both hands, “Opportunity?”

“Yes.”

“Nico’s not sure. Last time Nico checked it was a locked door. No knocking. No open window. No welcome mat.”

“And you gave up?" Umi chuckled, "Doesn’t sound like Nico.”

“No.” Nico slid into attack position, shoulders squared. “It doesn’t.”

And the dance began.

###

Nico was showered, locked in the Ayase-Tojo spare room, and ready to get back into the conversation. Texting. Sexting. Remind Maki of the good things. The sexy things. The fun things. The Nico things.

N: Nico misses seeing your nightly pajama snaps.

M: Dia’s been throwing up all day.

So sexting out, sympathetic in. At least Maki was texting. And mentioning Dia instead of aggressively avoiding the name.

N: Can Nico help?

M: Don’t distract me while I’m trying to watch a using your washing machine tutorial. Laundry is not in the nanny’s job description.

N: You don’t know how to do laundry...it’s easy, open the lid, put the clothes in, put detergent somewhere, push a few buttons. Most laundry machines are super instructive.

M: I have to be careful. It’s Dia’s things. Mama didn’t pack enough for throwing up. And Dia threw up in the bag. She didn’t like the car ride. Or lunch.

N: Is she allergic to something? Are you keeping her hydrated?

M: I know how to take care of my daughter.

N: Right, Dr. Maki.

M: ಠಿ_ಠ

N: I’m sure the laundry will be fine. Text Nico sometime (ɔˆ ³(ˆ⌣ˆc)

M: (🖒^^)b

###

Maki had finally gotten Dia to sleep, put on some Chopin, and collapsed into the couch when there was a thud at the door. She pulled herself up by the couch arm to see Raye standing there, coat and hat on, headphones off for once, and her backpack on the floor.

“My ride’s here.” Raye announced.

“Your ride?”

“Dr. Nishikino agreed that I could take my month’s leave now.”

“What do you mean?” The panic in her own voice was grating.

Raye made a skutching noise, “I’m a live in nanny in Chicago, with a personal chef on call, not a Cheesehead hostage eating frozen pizza two meals a day.” An eyeroll and a gesture toward upstairs,”I said goodbye to Dia.”

“You can’t leave...I don’t…”

“You’ll be okay, Maki. You’re a mom. Moms know what to do.”

Was there some kind of Mom superpowers that kicked in when you were alone with your child? Maki had never been alone with Dia without someone in shouting distance. Everyone she trusted was five hours away.

###

#Nico was trending. Just #Nico, not #ThatKillerSmile. Pics of her and Umi sparring, Nico’s kiss on Umi’s cheek when she said goodbye...whoever took that had a top tier zoom lens. Influencers were reposting older pics.

Nico’s phone pinged. Tsubasa. Nico picked up.

“Hey, how’s the tour?”

“Finished. Back in Chicago. Throwing a rave Wednesday. Drop by.”

“Nico will be in bed by six. Shooting for the video the next day.”

“Too bad. You could have brought Maki and hung out with Honoka.”

“Oh, Honoka, huh?”

“Yeah, she’s great. We’re really having fun. And no pressure.”

“Good for you. But Maki’s in Wisconsin anyway. Staying away from snap crazy stalkers.”

“Oh.”

That was a tone.

“Oh?”

“That’s the other reason I called. Some PR firm offered A-Rise a lot of money to boost pics of you with anyone but Maki on TWIG.”

Nico felt her lip rise in a sneer as suspicions started to gather. “That’s why Nico’s trending.”

“Probably.”

“Do you know who?”

“I texted Cocoro their name. Turns out they represent, among other clients, the Nishikino Medical Group.”

A shrewd, calculated move. Nico was impressed. And livid. But red hot anger wouldn’t do her any good now. She needed to counter. Or ignore. But she definitely needed to make sure Maki wasn’t thinking she was out there swinging for new partners.

“Nico?”

“Sorry, Nico was thinking. Thanks for the heads up.”

“Anything I can do?”

“Cameo in That Killer Smile.”

“You got it. Just not too early in the day. But think about coming to the party. You need some fun too.”

“Maybe Nico will take a nap.”

“Not much else to do with Maki in Wisconsin. Bet you have some good visuals though.” Tsubaba's tone was a conspiracy invitation.

Nico's reply was curt. “We’re done.”

Tsubasa laughed as the call cut.

One, disrespectful. Two, Nico didn’t need to be reminded of how Maki blew everyone else off the hot curve. Nico had to scheme.

###

Lilo and Stitch for the fifth time that day. Maki was about to claw off her ears.

“NICO!”

The Nico cries had stopped until this last viewing. Maki could see Dia was getting tired and cranky. Maki was also getting tired and cranky. Maki checked the time. One a.m. She should have never let Nico get into the habit of singing Dia a lullaby over the phone.

“SING!”

“Nico’s asleep, bun.”

Dia jumped off the couch and raced to the door, “Nico!”

Repetitive firmness was a necessity with Dia. Never retreat from a decision. “It’s time for sleeping, Dia. Nico’s asleep. You should be asleep. Mama is tired.” Talking about herself in the third person. Sure sign of exhaustion. “C’mon, Dia, let’s get your pajamas on and put you in bed.”

“Tsuki!”

Tsuki had fallen behind the couch, Maki picked her up, and Dia ran to grab her, then screamed “Nico Nico Ni!” right in Maki’s face. It took all of Maki’s remaining self control not to react to the volume. She picked up Dia, did a quick visual check of Dia's clothes to make sure there weren’t any closures that might interfere with sleep, grabbed her laptop with her other hand, and marched upstairs. She put Dia down gently, taking extra care not to let her frustration turn into excess energy that would unsettle Dia further.

“Nico!” The demands were getting weaker, Dia would sleep soon if she didn’t kick into tantrum gear.

“We’re going to call her, bun. Just let Mama set this up.”

Maki flipped up her laptop, moved the EFF.org sticker, hit video call. Nico sounded sleepy and had some kind of green goop on her face. Maki just stared for a minute. Nico did the weirdest, cutest things.

“Maki? What’s wrong?”

Maki woke up from her imagining what it would be like to spend the night in Nico's arms, what the green goop would smell like. Avocado probably. “Sing to Dia.”

“What? Did something happened?” Wide awake Nico.

Maki could hear Dia pulling herself up on the crib rail, “NICO!”

“Hi Dia.” Nico waved.

“Look, just sing, make sure she doesn’t fall out of the crib, and text me if she’s not settling down.” Maki let her face relax, knowing she looked exhausted, “I just need a few minutes.”

“Okay, Nico’s on it”

Maki remembered the earlier part of the day. “No Elvis.”

“What?” Nico shook her head, sitting up, setting her phone on her nightstand, “Never mind, just text Nico sometime.”

“Okay.”

“Nico’s got this. Get some air.”

“Thank you.”

“Thanks for calling Nico. I missed seeing your face. Now go look at some stars.” Nico smiled. “Hi Dia. Your pretty mama is going to go look at stars and Nico’s going to teach you her new song.”

“Sing!”

“That’s right. You’re Nico’s first audience. So pay attention.”

Dia had settled back down. Maki put the laptop at a level where Dia could see Nico through the crib bars and as Nico started singing, backed quietly out of the room.

###

Stars. Inhale. Cold air. No sense of time passing. Maki half dozing, maybe actually asleep for an hour or two. Nico was keeping an eye on Dia. That was a calming thought. Was that good? Maki realized she only had vague panic flashes of her last IRL encounter with Nico, Eli calling and saying something about Nozomi and paperwork and then fear kicking in. Maki didn’t have the mental bandwidth for any news that might trigger another explosion of emotion so talking to Eli was going to have to be another day thing. She reached into her pocket for her phone, to check notifications. A message from her mother, probably about Raye; Eli, not going to deal with that now; and Honoka. Maki hit play.

“Hey, Maki! Tsubasa’s throwing a huge party and invited you and Nico. So you should really come. It’ll be so much fun. Tsubasa’s gonna have a private karaoke room, and an entire arcade and the best DJ in the world. We gotta hang out.”

Party? Why hadn’t Nico mentioned it? Maki flicked over to TWIG, searching #NICO...Nico kissing Umi on the cheek, Nico with her arms around a group of scantily dressed women, Nico at a concert, leaning down into the crowd, Nico writing her phone number on a barista’s stomach…

Maki hit call, “What the hell are you doing?’

Nico sounded sleepy. “Maki?!!?!”

“Yes, Maki, your girlfriend, not that that barista would know that when she called you.”

“What barista? Maki, what’s going on? I just got Dia to sleep. She’s so cute.”

“We got invited to a party and you didn’t tell me.”

“DId Tsubasa call you?” Nico’s question was sharp.

“No, Honoka.”

“Oh, that makes sense.”

“What do you mean?”

“Never mind. Tsubasa and Nico have different opinions on dating.”

“Does yours include giving random women your phone number. And why are you kissing Umi?”

“Slow down. Let Nico catch up.” A pause, “Dia’s still sleeping calmly. Nico does an excellent lullaby. Now what did you do?”

“Searched TWIG to see what you were up to.” Saying it out loud, Maki felt a bit sheepish.

“Cyber stalking Nico. Classy.” Nico hummed, obviously searching through pics. “The Umi kiss was friendly, the barista pic is Photoshopped, and Nico is at home in bed and has been since 7 p.m. getting her beauty sleep before a video shoot at 5 in the morning.” An inhale, “And why you’re seeing pics of Nico with everyone else in the universe is because your parents PR firm is paying influencers to flood the algorithim with pics of Nico and anyone but you.”

“They’re not.”

“They are. A-Rise got approached. Nico has receipts. I can forward you emails.”

Maki was silent.

“And the reason there aren’t pics of us is because you’re in Wisconsin at an undisclosed location because your parents think Nico is going to steal you.”

“I don’t care what my parents think.” Maki felt pressured, with a sudden urge to bolt for the woods.

“If that’s true then why are you in Wisconsin?” Nico sounded annoyed.

“Just shut up for a minute…”

Silence. Maki heard what she’d snapped at Nico echo.

“Good night, Maki.”

“Wait, Nico, I just…”

Call ended. Maki leaned forward, fingertips barely clinging to her phone. How did this work? How exactly did this happen? What had Eli said?

###

“Oh, hi, Maki…” Eli was on the couch, eating chocolate ice cream and watching a production of Swan Lake.

“Why did you call?”

“What did Nico tell you?”

“We're not talking about Nico, Eli.” Maki’s voice had no chill. “Paperwork. Nozomi. What did that mean?”

“Ummm…” No matter how much Eli had rehearsed this in her head, telling Maki was not easy. She glanced toward the door of the spare room. Nico had gone to bed hours ago because of an early set call. So no interruptions. “When I started working on the procedures, Nico was the first person I asked to help. Nico’s always the first person I ask when I need any kind of help. She’s amazing.”

Eli had expected some response from Maki, but no, just waiting, judging silence.

“Okay…” Eli coughed nervously, "So Nico donated eggs, but absolutely refused to be an anonymous donor. She wanted a family but not until she met someone she wanted to marry and was ready to stop touring as much as she had been. So I banked most of her eggs and used the rest in my early tests.”

“So Nico wasn’t just an anonymous donor?”

“No.” Eli laughed, “She was very clear about no little Nico’s running around without her knowing about it. She’s furious right now.”

Maki sounded angry. “How did it happen? Did it happen? Is Nico really Dia’s...”

Eli paused Swan Lake, and headed to the freezer to put the ice cream away. Melting chocolate all over the couch was too easy a tease target for Nozomi. “As far as I can unravel, when Nico came back for her ultrasound to make sure everything was okay after the donation, Nozomi was there and altered Nico’s paperwork. So Nico was in the system all the time, but you were the first and only to match.” Eli pondered whether or not making a pot of coffee would be worth it at this hour. She wasn’t sleeping. Not having Nozomi next to her was lonely. But Nozomi was still being infuriatingly disingenuous about the turmoil she’d thrown Nico and Maki and Dia into. “I’ve taken Nico off the donor list now that I know.”

“So it is true…” Maki’s voice was a low whisper, barely heard.

“I’m so sorry about this, Maki, but from what I can tell, Nico is your egg donor.”

And then the roar, “Why would Nozomi do that to Nico? To you? What the hell kind of friend alters your medical paperwork? What kind of wife...how can you...that’s so many kinds of illegal, unethical, just awful, Eli. Why would she do that?"

Eli winced. All of that was true. But she knew that Nozomi really believed she’d had Nico’s best interest at heart.

“I know, Maki. I’m trying to explain it to her, how I would feel if I had missed the twins’ first steps or when they said “Mama”...it’s still so amazing, Maki, to watch them be their own people, but you know that, and Nico missed so much of that with Dia and I’m heartbroken for her, I just can’t bear to think about it, but Nozomi really cares, I promise…”

Maki cut Eli off, voice in efficiency professional mode. “Is Nico okay?”

“I don’t know. She’s super busy. Super busy usually means stressed.” Eli rested her forehead on the refrigerator, “Are you okay?”

Maki made a huffing noise. “I have to go check on Dia.”

“Maki....”

And Eli was alone. Or maybe not.

“Better make that coffee, Eli-chi.” Eli turned, Nozomi stood in the archway, Eli’s robe wrapped around her. “I miss you. I haven’t been listening to what you've been trying to say. Help me fix this, my love.”

Eli was going to cry, Nozomi opened up her arms, and Eli rushed to be held, Nozomi’s fingers in her hair, Nozomi’s sweet, soft voice promising everything would work out.

A/N: Shakespeare season. How you?

[justanotherinterludeff]

13

I'm selfish I want you all to myself I swear You don't need nobody else I swear I want you all to myself Because I'm selfish, yeah

Selfish x PnB Rock

I hated making big decisions. Partially because I felt like no matter how many times I went over the decision in my head, it was always wrong. The next part was just because I didn’t really care for change. It’s been something I struggled with since I was a little kid. 

 So, when I decided to move out of my mama house, the shit was a little confusing. I worked hard to pay my mother’s mortgage off and keep her financially stable. It was the least I could do since she helped me raise Leilani. So, I knew I had to leave her with my mom when I made the decision to move out. 

Leilani deserved to grow up normally. Be in school, have friends, a real life. My lifestyle was dangerous, and having Lei live with me was too fucking dangerous. I wasn’t risking my daughter’s life for no amount of easy money. It wasn’t like I was moving to another state. I would just be a 30 minute ride from my mother’s house. 

But I couldn’t tell Lei that. When she saw all the boxes packed with all my things, she was confused. I sat her down and let her know what things would be from now on. I was confident in my decision, but the second she started crying, I felt like shit. 

 "Please, don’t leave me daddy.“ She sniffled. To say my heart hurt would be an understatement. A nigga felt like shit. I promised her I would come see her everyday, but that just seemed to make her cry harder. When it was time for me to get going, she wouldn’t even come out of her room to say goodbye to me. I went in either way and kissed her forehead before letting her know I loved her. 

 That was three weeks ago, and I was still feeling like shit. Every day I’d wake up in this room and she was the first thing I thought about. That lil girl really had my whole heart, and the fact that she was sad about this was fucking with me. I was snapped out of my little daze when my phone rang. Figuring it would be the moving company that’s been calling all week, I didn’t bother to look at the caller ID. 

“Yeah.” I huffed into the phone. “Okay, first off, that’s not how you answer a phone.” My sister mouthed off. “What’s up Naomi?” I sighed. “I have a surprise for you.” I could hear the smile in her voice. “I ain’t really in the mood for no surprises, Omi.” I washed my hand over my face. 

“Well, it ain’t about what you want right now. Come open your door.” She snapped before hanging up. The three beeps went off in my ear before I moved the phone from my ear. I sighed and prepared myself for whatever my crazy ass sister considered a surprise. 

I left my bedroom and swung the door open, “Surprise!” Naomi stood there with her arms open. I kissed my teeth. “Okay, that’s just rude.” She rolled her eyes. “It ain’t a surprise if you here every other day, Naomi.” Which was true. Ever since I left my mama’s house, she was here all the time. Partly to help me move in and get the place decorated, but still.

“It is a surprise if I bring somebody with me though.” She smiled before waving whoever over. My brows knitted before I saw Leilani saunter her way over to the front door. She ran straight over hugging my legs. I bent down and scooped her up before throwing her in the air repeatedly, while her giggles filled the hallway. 

“Alright, can we move the love fest inside please?” My sister suggested and we all made our way inside. After the kisses stop, Leilani just laid her head on my shoulder and continued to hug me tight. I swear, that’s all I needed. I was alright now. “I love you, daddy.” “I love you too, princess.”

“Grandma said that I hurt your feelings. I’m sorry.” He little voice trailed. “It’s okay baby. Don’t even worry about it.” I sat us both down on the couch and she curled her way into me. She looked up at me with eyes that were just like her mother’s. 

“Did the furniture for her room come yet?” Naomi asked making me break our stare. “Nah, they supposed to be here any minute though.” She nodded and went off to the kitchen. “Come here, Lei.” I stood her up and walked her down the hallway of the three bedroom condo. I directed her to the first room on the right hand side.

“This is gonna be your room.” I let her know. She walked around a little bit, before looking back at me. “But, I don’t have a bed. Or any toys here.” She looked at me for answers. “Don’t worry, I bought you a bed, and a dresser, all that. It’s coming later. We gon’ get you some toys and clothes too. That way when you come over, you’ll have everything you need.” 

“How come I can’t stay?” Her puppy dog eyes doing something to me again. I sighed. “Trust me princess, I want you to stay, but daddy… Daddy has to be at work all the time. I gotta make money so you can have everything you want and take care you you, grandma, and Auntie Nae.” “So, that’s why I stay with grandma?” She asked and I nodded. 

“How come I don’t have a mommy?” She cocked her head to the side. “When Cassidy can’t stay with her daddy, she stays with her mommy. Where’s my mommy?” Cassidy’s name came up a lot these days. She was slowly but surely turning into Leilani’s bestfriend. She saw their family dynamic and I guess she got curious.

Leilani was like her mother; curious. She always had questions about everything. Why was the sky blue? How come she had to go to school? Where did babies come from? All this from a four year old. She had questions about everything, and it was up to me, my mama, and Naomi to give her answers.

This question though, stumped me. I didn’t wanna lie to her and tell her she didn’t have a mother, because she did. But, I also didn’t know how to tell her that her mother up and left her when she was only months old. “Uh..” I started. “You do have a mommy. She carried you in her belly for nine months, made sure you was nice and healthy when you were ready to come out.” 

“Then, where is she?” She asked. “Uh, mommy, uh. She um.. She left for a little bit.” “Is she coming back?” “Uh, I don’t know princess.” I told her honestly. “Well, if she does, can I stay with her when you have to go to work?” “We’ll see baby.” I ran my hands through her curls and kissed her forehead. 

I could hear the doorbell ring and I knew it was the people with the furniture. “Brysonnn!” I heard Naomi call. I scooped Lei up and through her over my shoulder while she laughed. “Coming!”

“Do you wanna get the Dory fruit snacks or the Frozen ones?” Naomi asked Leilani. She sat in the cart, weighing her options. It was funny as hell to me, she sat here really thinking over some fruit snacks. “Hm, let’s do Dory. I have Anna and Elsa all over my room anyways.” She grinned. 

It was true. The movers dropped off everything Lei would need in her room and we were in Walmart getting her everything else she would need. Well, Nae was and I was just tagging along to pay for everything. She chose all things Frozen for her bedroom. Sheets, curtains, all that shit. 

Naomi was also helping me get stuff for the spare bedroom, and some stuff for mine as well. Plus we had to get groceries, so this trip would be a big one. We had gotten everything w would need for the bedrooms. The groceries were last.

“Daddy, can we get Oreos too? I love oreos.” “Anything you want princess.” I replied. Naomi rolled her eyes and grabbed the cookies for her. “What?” “This little girl is beyond spoiled.” “So?” I chuckled. “I'm just saying. You think it's cute now, wait until she's 16 and you buy her a BMW instead of the Benz she wanted and she throws a fit. I can see your old ass now. 'I'm sorry princess, daddy's gonna get you the right one. Matter of fact, keep this one. I'm gonna get you Benz too.'" She shook her head while I cracked up.

“Nah, she ain’t ever gonna get that bad. Ain’t that right lil mama?” I asked pinching her cheeks. “What’s a BMW?” She asked looking at her auntie. “See.” I chuckled. We continued down the aisles. I made sure to stock up on spaghetti and spaghetti sauce. I made a mental note to get some ground beef too. Considering that’s all a nigga could put together. 

“So, what’s up with you and Mack?” Considering I see Mack’s bitch ass every day, I heard my sister’s name more often than I did when I was living at home. All he talked about was Naomi. Shit was lowkey annoying. No lie, I was happy shit was going good for them. My bestfriend was happy and so was my sister. For everyone’s sanity, this was a good thing. 

“We’re great.” She grinned. “We went on another date last night. Annnddd he invited me to his pool party on the 4th.” I made a face. “Ain’t you always invited to the pool party on the 4th?” I chuckled thinking about the party that was this Saturday. Every since that nigga got his own crib, he made it a habit to have a pool party on the 4th of July every year. “And do I ever make it a mission to go?” I thought about it.

“Nah.” I answered finally. “Exactly.” She rolled her eyes. “Oh so now you gonna go cause that’s your boyfriend?” I asked. “He’s not my boyfriend... yet.” She smirked. I shook my head. “Aren’t you going?” She asked. “Hell yeah! Every year Mack got all the baddest women- I mean he use to.” I corrected myself seeing the look on her face. 

“Yeah, good save.” She rolled her eyes. “Look, that nigga might be taken, but I’m not. I can look.” “Wait, I thought you and Z was...?” “You thought wrong.” I chuckled. “No, I’m not! You liked her! What happened?” She questioned. “We just had little misunderstanding, and we stopped talking.” I explained. Naomi though, wanted to know the whole story. So, I let her know what happened. 

The last time Z and I spoke was about a month ago. The same night everything went down. Shit really just went left. After I made a couple drops, collected some money, I got a text from Jelani letting me know what the move for tonight was. I had canceled on seeing Z earlier today, so I was free. I get there, wasn’t in the mood to drink cause I was driving home, so I sparked up the blunt. 

Imagine my surprise when all I wanted to do was chill and smoke my blunt, and I feel somebody slip themselves on my lap. Cierra was somebody I’d see whenever I went out.  Mack and I went to high school with ole girl, and she had a reputation then, and it surely followed her. She was thirsty no lie. In no way, shape, or form, was I interested in Cici. Her sitting on my lap was beyond innocent. For me at least. 

When I seen Zemora pass by, I knew it wasn’t the weed making me trip. I shooed Cierra out my lap and made my way to her because I knew there was no way she ain’t see us. But, the second a nigga tried to explain himself, she shut that shit down. I understood, considering the way shit looked. So I showed up and her crib, explained, and she still wasn’t having it. 

I knew when I was mad, I hated when people still persisted to speak to me. So I gave her her space. I think that was way too much space, cause it’s been a whole 4 weeks since we’ve talked, much less seen each other. I completely avoided going by her crib. Hence why Nae was always by my house. 

“That girl Cierra always been a ho- thot.” Naomi made sure to change her wording remembering Lani was still in our presence. “Word.” “What’s crazy is, she hasn’t even said anything about it.” She thought for a second. “Then again I ain’t really been home.” She said more so to herself.

“Where you been at?” I hit her with a side eye. “Work.” She giggled before walking off. She better not play with me.

Saturday, July 4th

“Issa bad bitch. Issa bad bitch. Issa bad bitch.” Juju danced while she clapped the flap iron together. We were getting ready to head out to Mackai’s pool party and she was already turnt. “Can you chill with the “Issa” shit, issa annoying.” I rolled my eyes. 

“First off, that’s not even how you use it! Issa dummy.” She cracked up. I rolled my eyes and continued to run the comb through my bundles. I was really feeling this lioness look I had going on with this hair. I pushed it all over to one side and admired myself in the mirror. 

“Oh shit! Did Mackai do that?” She said inspecting my neck. My hand went to my neck, feeling how sore certain spots were. I wanted to slap myself for not remembering that he had left his mark on me two days ago. I spent the night at his house and things got a little heated. That was the farthest we had gone. And with the kisses Mackai was just laying on my neck alone, I was shook. 

“Who else would it be?” I giggled fixing my hair so it covered everything. “Mmm, girl. You are getting really serious about my big head brother.” She shook her head. It was true. In the short time me and Mackai started dating, my feelings for him had grown drastically. 

I was all about him. Literally, from the moment I woke up, to the second I went to sleep he was who I thought about or was talking to or about. Maybe because it was because I’d liked him for so long and we were finally doing something about it. I’m not entirely sure what it was about... but I was really feeling it. Really feeling him. 

“Something like that.” I smirked. “Nigga look like he was eating your damn neck. That’s all he was eating right?” She smirked and I died laughing. “Don’t be nosy.” I playfully bumped her. “So much for you not liking him.” She shook her head. “I know right.” I sighed. Boy, how the tables turn.

“Naomi!” I heard Z call from the other room. I yelled back, answering her, and she called me to her room. “Honest opinion, how do I look?” She posed quickly. “Bitchhhhhhh!” I gasped. Now, I could tell that Z had a great body when she was dressed. Her body was out of this world in a bikini.

“Oh my Goddddd! Look at your ass! I’m so jealous!” I whined. She laughed and reached for her denim shorts. “So, yes?” “Hell yeah.” My brother won’t know what hit him.” I stuck my tongue out and she rolled her eyes. “Girl bye, I’m not worried about your brother.” “Rightttt. And that’s why you’ve changed three or four times already right?” I sent her a look. “I’m just indecisive.” She stuck her tongue at me playfully. 

“Indecisive these nuts! Is Adrienne meeting us there still?” I had extended the invitation to both of them. Seeing as how, we were all cool, I thought why not? In the small time we’d been living together, I can honestly say I consider Z my friend. Her and Juju were still adjusting to each other, but Juju wasn’t being rude anymore so they were trying. Adrienne I was just starting to get to know. She reminded me a lot of Juju as far as her personality went. So, we were cool too.

“Nah, I gotta go get her. Can you text me the address and we’ll meet y’all there? She lives in the damn boondocks.” She rolled her eyes. I laughed, “Yeah. I’ll text it to you right now.” I said sauntering back into my room. I grabbed my phone off the charger, seeing messages from my brother and Mackai. I sent Z the address and she let us know she was leaving before she left. 

Big Bro 😬: Bring some more ice when you on your way please 

I hit him back letting him know I would, before going to Mackai’s message. 

Kai ☺️: Where yo fine ass at?

I giggled out loud and let him know I’d be on the way soon. I set my phone back down and saw that Juju was almost ready. She had her bikini on and she was fixing her hair. "How come everybody got a fat ass except me?” I pouted. “Don’t worry, my brother is trying to handle that. Give him a few months." She laughed. I rolled my eyes and snatched my outfit from the counter. 

The two piece bathing suit went on first, followed by the skirt. Oh yeah, I was definitely feeling myself. I swished out the bathroom, watching Juju shake her head at me. "Come on, I'm ready to see my man."

When we pulled up to Mackai’s house, cars flooded the block. We could see multiple just arriving when we did. Some girl walked past us with only a pair of pasties and a bikini bottom on. “Bitchhhhh, no she didn’t!” I gasped. “Shit, she got the body for it, why not?” Ju shrugged. More power to her I guess.

We found somewhere to park, and got out. Ju opted not to wear any kind of cover up nor shorts. A bikini, sun glasses, her hair down her back, and a pair of Gucci sandals. My bitch looked good. Z texted me, letting me know she had picked Adrienne up and they were on the way. When we were walking up the driveway, we could see a group of boys either sitting on the hood of a big Jeep Wrangler or huddled near it. 

It wasn’t until we heard our names being called we paid close attention. Amari, Jelani, some of their other frat brothers, along with my brother, and Mackai. I couldn’t keep my eyes off him. He donned a pair of distressed, denim shorts, black Nike socks, three different gold chains, and a pair of Jordans I didn’t really recognize. No shirt. He looked like a fucking snack. Fuck that, a whole meal.

“Got damn Jamie!” Jelani tried to mumble under his breath. Mackai made sure to smack him upside the head. “Watch your mouth nigga.” He muttered. I went over and hugged my brother as the rest of them engaged in a conversation. “Why you acting like you don’t see your man?” He chuckled as he kept his arm over my shoulder. I rolled my eyes. 

Mackai and I really hadn’t gone public with our... thing. I mean people knew but now that I thought about it, this would be our first outing out together. Honestly, I didn’t know how we were approaching it. I was just gonna go with the flow. If he wasn’t ready for the public thing, I’d be cool with that. And if he was to flaunt me, I was ready for that too. 

I took my eyes off Bryson to look over at Mackai who was already staring at me. He signaled me over with his head and I sauntered over quietly. He pulled me into a hug and when he released me, he planted a kiss on my cheek. “What’s up beautiful? ‘Bout time you got here. You lookin good.” I blushed and subconsciously looked around to see if anyone’s eyes were on us. 

“Thank you. You look nice too.” My eyes scanned his tattooed arms and then his chest before looking up at him. He chuckled as he watched me watch him. I couldn’t help it. He looked good. Before Mackai and I could get too deep into each other, JuJu snatched me up to go inside with her. She wanted to grab something from Mackai’s room. 

She whisked me away and before I knew it, we were in the house. “You and him might as well fuck each other, all that eye sex y’all doing.” Juju laughed when we were in private. “Y’all staring each other down like a pair of horny ass teenagers.” “Shut up, Juju.” I rolled my eyes. “I’m just saying.” She laughed. 

When we finally made our way outside, we made sure to get drinks before finding somewhere to chill. We were bobbing our heads to the music, sipping our drinks, and doing a little two step. I was feeling really good. I felt even better when I saw Z and Adrienne waltz in, both holding red bulls. I waved them over and Adrienne caught me waving my hand in the air. She grabbed Z and they made their way over hand in hand. 

“Hey y’all! Y’all look cute!” Adrienne complimented as she gave us all hugs. “Thanks babes! This bathing suit is bomb too! Look at you! Looking like a snack.” I hyped her up. “Well, you know.” She flipped her hair over her shoulder and did a turn. We all laughed. 

I passed Adrienne a drink, and while I was extending a drink over to Zemora, O.T. Genasis’s “Thick” came on. She made sure to take the cup from me before bending over and making her ass clap. Because Zemora was always so shy, and reserved, I couldn’t believe what I was seeing right now. She began bouncing her ass, letting her tongue out of her mouth. 

Adrienne tapped me, “She’s drunk.” She laughed. “She said she wanted to loosen up before she got here.” “How much did she have to drink?” I asked. “Four shots of Ciroc.” Zemora had admitted that she was a light weight, that’s why she didn’t drink. I tapped Z and she stopped dancing. 

“You good?” “Yessssss! I feel so good! I just wanna dance.” She let her tongue out again before wining her hips. I chuckled. “Okay. I just don’t want you to get too drunk. I’m keeping you on this one drink minimum.” “Okay mom.” She laughed. 

For the rest of the party, we were lit. We danced on each other, laughed, and drank some more. Z had sobered up a little so we let her have another drink. Nothing too strong though. Mackai and his crew were to our far left. Every few seconds we would lock eyes, but I would look away. I just wanted to have fun with my girls. When all of them started making their way over to us, I got a little nervous. 

They had been throwing girls in the pool all day and I wasn’t with the shits. I didn’t come this cute to be thrown in the pool. He swiveled his way through the crowd, I couldn’t help the scream that escaped my mouth when he picked me up. I wrapped my legs around him, if I was going in so was he. 

“Chill. I wasn’t even gon’ throw you in.” He chuckled. “Gimme kiss.” He mumbled. “No.” “You know I hate when you tell me no.” His hands moved to my ass and I gasped. “You drunk?” I asked. “A little bit. I’m high as fuck though.” He admitted. “Gimme kiss.” He repeated. Instead of being stubborn, I gave him what he wanted. I intended for the kiss to be innocent, but it was something about kissing Mackai that always made me take it to the next level.

We heard a throat clear and I pulled away. Our little group was shaking their heads, “Chill with that caking shit.” Jelani waved us off. “Hater.” I mushed him after Mackai put me down. He didn’t let me go far though. He made sure to keep one hand on my waist. 

I looked around while moving my hips to the music. I noticed Z in the corner of my eye dancing by herself as some random song played in the background. The DJ quickly switched to Vybz Kartel’s “Fever” and all hell broke loose. She bent over and was dancing, when all of a sudden one of Amari’s frat brother slid behind her. They grinded against each other, even attracting a small crowd.

I looked to my left and I could see my brother, clenching his jaw, while sipping his drink. I was no secret that him and Z ain’t talk no more. He stopped coming by the house, she stopped mentioning him, and he stopped mentioning her. I asked both of them what the issue was and neither of them wanted to get into detail. He said it was a big misunderstanding, and she just didn’t wanna talk about it. 

But the fact that he was sitting here with a clenched jaw said it all. He was still feeling her and the fact that she wasn’t paying him a bit of attention was killing him. I shook my head, noticing how they had one thing in common. They were stubborn. 

After the song went off the small crowd dispersed elsewhere and Z stood up straight. She started walking away from him and he grabbed her back, a little too rough. At least from where I was standing. She was trying her best to get him to let her go, but he wasn’t budging. I tapped Mackai and before I could get him to go help her, Bryson was already on his way over. 

“Fuck is you doing nigga?” He let her go almost immediately. The second he let her go, Bryson grabbed him around the neck. Z was already making a beeline back to us. Another crowd was forming, and Mackai knew that was his cue to get over there. Amari and the rest of them rushed over as well.  

“You fucking stupid?” I watched Bryson ask. I watched the other dude struggling to breathe. Bryson lifted his shirt slightly exposing his gun. “Yo, B. Let this nigga go. It ain’t even worth it.” Mackai tried to talk him down.

“I need some water. My head is spinning.” She let us know. Juju, Adrienne, and I escorted her inside. I peeped that the dude was being escorted out, followed by Mackai, Bryson, and some others that I knew they ran the streets with. I just knew he was about to get his ass beat.

In the meantime, we tried to get Z to sober up some more. Juju was getting her some food from the kitchen, Adrienne went to get her water, and I opted to stay with her. She was laid across Mackai’s bed, cuddled up to his pillows. “You okay mama?” I asked rubbing her back. 

“I’m okay. Where’s Bryson?” “Um, I think he’s still outside.” “I wanna tell him thank you.” “I don’t think that’s a good idea right now. Bryson ain’t the best person to talk to when he’s upset. Just give him a few alright?” She nodded and just then, Adrienne came back with the water. 

We all stayed in the room for about half and hour before Z felt a little better. I could tell she was sobering up because her words weren’t slurring anymore. “This is why I don’t drink.” She sighed. “Yeah baby girl, you are a light weight.” Juju chuckled lightly as she handed over the plate of food. “I’m good.” She declined. Ju shrugged and started picking at the food.

Someone knocked at the door and Adrienne let them know it was okay to enter. Amari walked in, and shut the door behind him. “Yo Z, you good?” He questioned. She nodded, “I’m fine Mari.” “On my mama, imma beat Nigel’s ass.” He huffed. “Amari, violence is not needed. I’m fine. It’s not that deep.” 

“Fuck that, Z. That nigga know better. He gon’ see me believe that.” Zemora could only sigh and sit up straight in the bed. “Is he gone? Because I wanna go back to the party.”  She let us know. “Yeah, B and them kicked that nigga out. If you going back out there, you not drinking no more.” Amari told her. “Okay, dad.” She rolled her eyes. 

“You ready now?” “I’ll come with the girls.” “Alright.” He nodded and exited the room. We all sat around for another minute or two before getting up and readjusting ourselves to go back to the party. When we stepped back outside, it was like nothing had even happened. Bryson, Mackai, and Amari were now chilling closer to the pool, sharing a blunt.

Mackai signaled me over and I nudged the girls in that direction. As soon as we got to them, Kai handed the blunt off to Amari and he cornered me against the fence. “I told you how good you look today?” He asked licking his lips. “You did.” I giggled. “God damn.” He shook his head and looked at me from top to bottom. 

“You don’t even know how much trouble you causing today.” He smirked. “Me? I ain’t doing nothing.” “You girls in here man, cause you all I got my eyes on.” “Oh, all your hoes?” I asked. “I ain’t got no hoes. I’m a married man.” He stated proudly. I hid my blush with an eye roll.

Without even asking, he gripped my ass, pulled me closer to him, and smashed our lips together. Like I said, whatever Kai wanted to do I was with it. So, the fact that we were engaging in PDA was all I needed. These bitches could be mad all they wanted to. Kai was my man.

[destinywasson]

Infertility

This was forwarded to me by a very special friend. Please read it. 💛💛💛💛

Dear Infertility Sister:

I’m writing because I know that you’re hurting. I know it’s not easy being you. I know you feel wounded and alone.

I know that it doesn’t make sense that you are being excluded from experiencing what your own mother, sisters, aunts, cousins, and friends have all been able to do without any trouble.

I know that you feel immeasurable desperation to have control and a say in when to have a baby. You wonder why everyone else gets to plan and choose and you don’t.

I know you feel powerless at the hands of your body. I know you hate your body because it has betrayed and rejected you and made you its victim. When you were a little girl, your body deceived you into believing that one day you’d get to have a baby. Sometimes you remember when you played with your friends and put a ball under your shirt and pretended to be pregnant. You remember how much you loved your baby dolls and how you believed that one day the scenario would be real.

I know that you feel stupid when you recall the times you had pregnancy scares and all the years you used contraceptives. You now realize it was all in vain because your body isn’t able to do what it was created to do.

I know that you feel defeated and resentful for doing everything you were supposed to do to prepare your body for pregnancy. You ate right. You stopped drinking. You bought pre-natal vitamins. And I know that you still take prenatal vitamins, you still avoid alcohol and all the other pregnancy no-no’s …just in case maybe this month you really are pregnant.

I know that you’ve kept track religiously of your periods for what seems like an eternity and that you have tried every imaginable trick and tip you’ve heard about or read about in an attempt to conceive your miracle.

I know you are sick and tired of seeing doctors and being physically and emotionally vulnerable with each insemination or in-vitro you do. You’re exhausted of being poked and prodded; of having ultrasounds, blood tests, procedures, and surgeries. You’ve endured enough humiliation to last a lifetime, opening your legs for strangers month after month, each time praying that this will be the last time.

I know that you hate yourself for gaining 10lbs due to fertility treatments and had to buy bigger clothes but not for the reason you wish it were.

I know how nervous you were the first time you had to give yourself an injection and how you made your partner do it for you because your hand was shaking so badly.

I know you don’t sleep for two weeks after you ovulate, wondering if this is the month that the stick will have two lines.

I know that you obsess over your cycle and every symptom you feel or think you feel that could indicate that you are in fact pregnant this month. You push on your breasts hoping they are tender and sore more than usual during this time of the month. Each time you go to the bathroom, you check the tissue to see if there is any sign of your period…even if it’s in the middle of the night, you turn on the light. And if you see pink or red, you say some strong prayers that it’s only implantation spotting and not really your period.

I know that you feel like throwing those injections, vaginal suppositories, and pills out the window after every failed cycle or that you sob when the doctor calls to tell you that the test was negative.

I know that each month when you get your period you privately fall apart and cry out in anger, frustration, and sorrow because with each failed cycle, you have a little funeral in your head for a baby that wasn’t. You cry and grieve for the loss of your dream.

I know that you don’t know how much longer you can put yourself and your partner through this torture. You question if the strain on your marriage, on your savings, and on your sanity is all worth it.

I know you feel like you’re going crazy because infertility has taken over your life and has become a full-time job; a round-the-clock obsession; the only topic you think about and talk about.

I know you wonder if you are a terrible person for not being happy for your friend when she tells you that she’s expecting. I know that you feel jealous and sad that she gets to have what you want so desperately. I know that when you hang up the phone with her, you cry. I know that you feel guilty for avoiding her now that she’s pregnant but it’s the only way that you can cope with your misery.

I know that you feel like screaming when you get yet another invitation to a baby shower and you contemplate if you are emotionally strong enough to attend. I know how much courage it takes to RSVP. I know that most of the time you don’t go to baby showers, but that if you decide to go, how draining it is to endure three hours of fake-smiling pretending to be happy when you’re not. I know how painful it is to make it through the party listening to everyone talk non-stop about pregnancy and babies. And how much it hurts when someone you’ve never met asks if you have children.

I know that buying a baby gift seems like an impossible task. I know that walking into Babies R Us is out of the question because you don’t think you can handle it without breaking down in tears in the store. I know that sometimes you’ve given your friends money and asked them to buy the gift for you.

I know that seeing co-workers go on maternity leave is like a knife in your heart. You wonder if your turn will ever come. You started trying to conceive long before any of them and here you are, still trying. They all got pregnant within a few months of trying, had a full-term pregnancy, went on leave, came back, and you’re still there, feeling left behind, still waiting for your dream, still feeling incomplete.

I know that you cringe at the sight of the maternity department and wonder if you’ll ever get to wear the clothes so many women complain about. I know that maybe you even have a pair of maternity pants at home and that occasionally you try them on and imagine what it will be like to someday have a belly big enough to fill them out.

I know that sometimes you have thrown away birth announcements unopened. And in a moment of rage you’ve torn them up into a million pieces.

I know that when you stand in line at the grocery store, you avert your eyes away from the baby sitting in the shopping cart in front of you because it’s too painful to see his smiling face. And once in a while, when you’re feeling strong enough, you steal glances, imagining what your baby might look like someday.

I know that it hurts when you walk past the baby section in stores because it is a reminder of what you want and can’t have. I know you daydream of one day shopping for diapers, strollers, and baby clothes.

I know that when you see a pregnant woman you feel envy and a deep sense of injustice. You wonder why she has the right to be pregnant and you don’t. You wonder if she struggled with infertility too or is it just you who is going through this torment.

I know how difficult it is to walk past the room in your house that should have been a nursery by now. I know that some days you walk in there and look around, wondering if you’ll ever see a baby sleeping in a crib. And sometimes you just have to close the door of that empty room because it represents the emptiness you feel inside.

I know that you wait until the last minute to plan vacations or parties because your life is on an indefinite hold. How can you plan a trip six months from now when you might be pregnant by then? Your live your life in a perpetual state of uncertainty.

I know how hard it is when you run into old acquaintances and they ask if you ever plan on having a baby because you’ve been married for so long and you’re not getting any younger and your clock is ticking.

I know you avoided going to your high school reunion because you couldn’t bear the thought of hearing old friends sharing stories of their children or having to explain why you don’t have any of your own.

I know that the holidays are difficult and depressing because they are not what you envisioned for yourself this year. You wonder when your turn will come to celebrate your baby’s first Christmas. When will you get to shop for gifts for your little bundle? When will you get to send out holiday photo cards featuring your pride and joy? And I know that you disappear from the room at the holiday party when you see the moms coordinating a group photo of the kids.

I know that you detest Mother’s Day with a passion because you yearn to celebrate what is supposed to be the highlight of your life.

I know that you change the channel when you see commercials featuring babies, pregnancy tests, and ovulation kits. It makes you feel cynical seeing the giddy faces of the women in the commercials because that is not your reality. Everywhere you look, you see happy mothers with their sweet, warm, precious babies. You are surrounded with reminders – when you drive past a playground, when you see a mother on a walk with a stroller, when you attend a child’s birthday party, when you see ultrasound photos on friends’ refrigerators or on co-workers’ desks. No matter what, you can’t escape this hell on earth you’re living.

I know that you have a secret shopping bag in your closet with gender neutral items like pacifiers, rattles, and onesies in hopes that maybe the Law of Attraction is real and it works. And maybe you’ve already bought a card to give to your spouse telling him he’s going to be a father.

I know you daydream about telling your spouse that you’re pregnant and you imagine how you will announce it to your family and friends. I know you actually already have it all planned out.

I know that you wonder how your partner can choose to remain with you if you are unable to produce a child. You wonder if maybe he will leave eventually. You feel like a disappointment. You feel like a liar for promising him a family someday. You feel the need to apologize to him month after month, year after year. You feel the need to thank him for sticking it out and not running away.

I know that when you got the dog you didn’t think you’d ever have or wouldn’t have for a long time, it was because you needed someone to nurture, mother, and love. Maybe you cried the first time you cuddled with her because the happiness you felt was so bittersweet. She isn’t the baby you wanted but she is someone that needs you and loves you unconditionally just like you know your baby would. She is someone you can take care of and brag about and share stories about. She gives you a reason to get up in the morning and she always licks your tears away.

I know that you feel tremendous sorrow when you see children being mistreated or you hear news stories of babies found in dumpsters. You think to yourself…if only those mothers knew what a precious gift they have been given. You get angry with God. Why did He bless those women with motherhood and not you?

I know that it upsets you to hear your friends laugh and make jokes at how fertile they are and that they got pregnant even while being on the pill or on their first try. I know you can’t stand to hear women say they got pregnant by accident or when they call their child an “oops baby”.

I know that it angers you to hear women complain about their pregnancy or babies. How dare they not appreciate what you wish so badly you could have?

I know you feel uncomfortable and awkward when you’re among women and the conversation turns to pregnancy and babies. You feel like an outsider; like you don’t fit in; like you aren’t part of a club you so desperately want to be a part of.

I know that you feel like punching people in the face when they make stupid, ignorant comments in an attempt to make you feel better about your childlessness.

I know that your friends think they’re easing your distress when they say “Well, at least you’re having fun trying” but they have no idea that sex is no longer passionate or playful, but rather an obligation and a job. Your friends don’t know that your sex life is no longer spontaneous. Sex is always scheduled and only for the purpose of reproducing. They don’t know that you lie in bed for 30 minutes afterward with your hips propped up on a pillow, with tears streaming down your face, while you pray to God, Jesus, and all the angels and saints to please make your dreams come true this time around.

I know you resent your friends and family for their obliviousness to your suffering and that they think that if you “just adopt” or “just don’t think about it” it will all be better. If only it were that simple; if only they knew the depth of your wounds.

I know that you feel despair as you wonder if maybe you are meant to have a child-free life.

I know that you are afraid that it’s never going to happen. You are terrified of living the rest of your life feeling unfulfilled, unloved, bitter, and inadequate.

I know that you wonder if you will ever be able to walk away; to let go; to make peace. You question how you will know when it’s time to stop trying; you ask yourself if giving up means you failed; you question if you are indeed a failure.

I know that you feel like you’ve been robbed of your innocence because you can never look at a pregnant woman or baby the same way.

I know that your infertility and your desire to get pregnant, to have a baby, and to be a mother have become your life’s mission. I know that you wake up every morning and fall asleep every night thinking about pregnancy.

I know that sometimes you wonder if the only pregnancy you’ll ever experience is the one you have in your dreams while you sleep.

I know that you wonder if your turn will ever come; will your dream ever come true; will this chapter of your life ever end; will you ever feel the joy of pregnancy and motherhood; will you ever hear the word “mommy”; will the pain ever go away.

I know that you ache to have morning sickness; to feel a kick; to have a baby shower; to go through labor and delivery; to hold your baby; to see his face; to feel like God didn’t forget about you.

I know that you feel that this is all some sick, cruel joke and you wonder if you are being punished for something; you wonder why this is happening; why is this the life you’ve been given; what did you do to deserve this kind of pain and suffering; why are you not able to experience what you feel is your divine right as a woman; why don’t you get to have what every other woman seems to take for granted; why don’t you get to be like everyone else; why have you been deprived of this joy and wonder of life.

I know that you live in a lonely world feeling like the only woman in your circle of friends or in your family to be burdened with this tragedy.

I know that you feel broken and less-than. I know that you feel shame. I know that you wonder if maybe you aren’t worthy of being a mother. I know that infertility has dimmed your light.

I know you wonder if the storm you’ve lived in for so long will ever pass; will the sun ever shine again; will you ever see a rainbow.

I know how you feel because I was once you.

I wish there were magic words I could say to make the hurt stop. I wish there were some deep words of wisdom I could give you that would have it all make sense.

All I can tell you is this:

You are not broken. You are not less-than. You are worthy of love. You are whole. Forgive yourself because you’ve done nothing wrong. You have nothing to be ashamed of. You are deserving of acceptance and belonging. Be kind to yourself and love yourself. Know that you are enough. You matter greatly. You are loved. You are not alone.