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tiredassmage · 2 years ago

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It's that time again - update rambles time kdfnalsdfnsd. The short version is, overall, I'm really pleased with this update, but there's... at least one thing missing that did sort of derail me in the end and I'll still need to go back and play it pubside on my Trooper, which I think I might enjoy slightly more for... cohesion of a story's sake, but that's. a) getting a bit into the actual ramble and b) getting my personal blorbo feelings involved which is absolutely what I do here but, let me do it in the right place, lmao.

Mechanically, this was. a really sweet update to me. There's lots of doing in progressing through the story part. The fights are engaging, the action is selling. It doesn't play like a bunch of run to checkpoint x, do y, hand in z, which is very nice. There's. actually a few things to consider. Comparing to 7.2 in Showdown, the action isn't just in the cutscenes this time - it's definitely there, too, I have plenty of nice action shots to add to the blasters out collection, lol - but it's also in the gameplay, at least from my take, so! I've really no complaints from a gameplay perspective thus far.

I haven't worked on any of the dailies or done the little follow up with Lane or whatnot yet because I sort of had my fill with the story for the day and I wanted to check out some of the lighting changes in other parts of the game, hehe! So, might run into other things later, but we'll see.

I also love seeing locations from earlier in the game making a comeback. The little hints here and there are enough to be exciting for me - though I see some people saying missed opportunity to do things with Jorgan and Corso and I will more than likely agree with that. I'd always be a sucker for more references.

Petra's really cool. I love her. Loved meeting her and working with her. As a local Imperial Agent enjoyer, I think it's only natural to say I do love the sneak and spy elements of this update, lol.

I got a lot of what I could've ever hoped to ask for out of this update. I'm just... missing the saboteur options? Which... really threw me at the end. There's at least a place or two that it felt exactly where those sort of options should've come up, but there's at least no directly labeled sight of them around, which is... jarring given Tyr's extensive history as a double agent for the Republic.

It's... a really tricky situation to deal with on Ord though, so that's. how I'm choosing to sort of interpret that one. There are some areas that felt a little too tight on strictly Imperial loyalty for how I typically play him, so it's. It's jarring, in short. One of my disappointment areas, I have to admit. I haven't done any of the dailies, but it looks like it'll end up being interpreted as Imperial support either way - which, fair, I'm playing an impside character, I know, but the lines were very clear on Ossus for where that saboteur option was involved and they even appeared on Manaan. I'm still hoping to see that storyline go somewhere even though there feels like there's a lot of moving parts on the board at the moment.

SO. With that said, onto my giggles and other miscellaneous references because it seems the last several story updates have thematically been reflective and reference-pockmarked for me, lol.

I cannot tell you the way I squealed with excitement to see these two in frame and actually doing something like cooperating.

And also the way I am, once again, haunted by being an Imperial Agent girlie. Because all I can think of in this is Double agent. Triple agent. Do you even know whose lies you're telling anymore?

Primarily, of course, my own feelings about blorbo who's been in the spy business for literally about half his lifetime and a double agent for maybe half of that - now he's going to balance being a double for the Republic with working with Sa'har? Ough. Tyr, babe. I hope you know what you're doing.

He wants to help her. He's wanted to from the start. Sa'har's I'm not sure I -want- to leave, speaking to that I'm not sure I can leave a job unfinished that Tyr is so, so painfully familiar with experiencing. Maybe he's got fleece over his eyes because of his own complicated feelings about working in unseen ways, but he does believe her.

ALSO THIS GIRL. NEARLY GIVIN ME A HEART ATTACK. GIRL I LIKED YOU DON'T SCARE ME LIKE THAT. Anyway. I love her. I love. Again, one of the most hilarious dialogue wheels you could give this man is I'm no traitor (lie, you've been once since you were in your late twenties, and you're like, what 46ish? It's been a long time since Hutta, agent) / I don't work with traitors (another lie, you're still kissing Theron Shan [Tyr. argues that doesn't count which is the only reason this is the option I went with] / and [Attack]

And then I won't be normal about him taking option 2 and dropping "I'd like to believe I've always been fighting for something greater."

I'm fine. I'm sure I'm fine. [Girl who is constantly plagued by the emotional agonies of maining a double agent.]

ANYWAY. Or perhaps also on that note. Krovos getting a little sharp about his misplaced priorities. Nothing comes of it. Yet. But it's enough to keep my brain stew going and bubbling about the weight of it all.

And it's just. so very Tyr to throw himself in the line of fire trying to keep people he meant to keep out of overcomplicating situations safe.

And I am, overall, just a sucker for the way this update brings it back to... I guess grass roots, you could say. Grounding the story in what's actually happening to places like Ord Mantell, brushing with some of the consequences on people in general - the Hidden Chain stealing supplies, possibly moving people, even, or at least their allies might be - sells the big story in the end, I think. Otherwise, the big, vague prophetic 'the fate of the galaxy sets on your shoulder' doesn't really settle as much. This might be what you're fighting for, or it might be what you're costing along the way. And I just like having that connective tissue that is 'they're here for supplies;' they're rebuilding and moving forward with plans after Ruhnuk, and Malgus's threat that all things will still unfold according to a plan is still lingering around.

[Also, Rass people. The flirts. wtf I love it. They're adorable.]

And I really am just. Such a hopeless sucker for scenes like this. A little slice of just being people in between all the galactic turmoil and heroics.

So, I've still got a fair amount of things to be chewing on! Once I'm through this last week of finals stuff, I'll expect I'll hop on TrooperTyr and go. redamage my emotions further and play it pubside and have a whole other whirlwind of emotions about how he handles it too dlfknsadlkf;sld. For now, time to pop some screenshots into the queue! ^.^

OH. ALSO. Kessing's Landing is fucking beautiful.

#dot talk #swtor spoilers #swtor 7.4 #spoilers #swtor chains in the dark

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auburnflight · 6 months ago

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In Defense of 2B

The blorbo poll is pretty obviously supposed to be lighthearted, but hey, I'm into NieR because I like philosophizing and turning things around in my head. So I thought it would be fun to write about my reasoning.

Now, in case there's any issues with reading comprehension or anything, I would NOT say a lot of this same stuff about real-life situations. But NieR:Automata has a lot of fantasy twists to consider, and that led me to vote "innocent."

The biggest one is that these characters are androids, not humans. They're pre-programmed. One could go on a long tangent about just the nature of artificial general intelligence, and we obviously don't have any real-life examples to compare to here. But my point is, in my eyes, the guilt lies more with the people who programmed these beings to do these things, rather than the beings themselves.

Now, beyond their basic programming, let's consider the circumstances in which the YoRHa androids actually live. I'm going to start with some general thoughts before I get into 2B's specific role as an executioner.

Let's say that the YoRHa androids, individually or collectively, decide that they're sick of doing what their commanders and the Council of Humanity are telling them to do. Could they strike? Revolt? Destroy their oppressors and make themselves new lives of independence if they only band together?

Honestly, not really. Monitoring and tracking technology aside (since due to these, the androids likely couldn't even get that far), YoRHa seems to have an endless capability to manufacture new androids, not to mention the resources to hunt down and destroy existing ones if they're considered a threat to the project. Part of me questions the scientific and logistical sides of things: Where do they get all the raw materials and energy to continuously manufacture these state-of-the-art androids? Wouldn't they run out eventually? You'd think so, but... We're looking at fantasy. And NieR canon is a bit wobbly even about well-established facts. For this subject, it doesn't touch on it at all, to my knowledge. And if it did, it could probably undermine the scientific foundation of the whole thing pretty quickly. Unfortunately, this question seems to be one of the "suspension of disbelief" elements that we have to sidestep here.

Further, not only are dissenting androids replaced: their memories are wiped. They're factory reset and returned to their original programming. It's not like humans, where if enough of them strike and just spread the word of how awful YoRHa is, everyone will learn, and eventually no one will want to work for them. There will always be androids with fresh consciousnesses to bring back into the cause.

Now, onto 2B's circumstances specifically. Let's focus on what she would think we're bringing her to blorbo court for: perpetuating the cycle of killing 9S repeatedly.

She obviously doesn't want to. She feels guilty. But how much of it is really her fault?

She can't just refuse. She'd be considered defective, destroyed, and discontinued. Side stories like "Memory Thorn" briefly explore the possibility that I referred to earlier: that the same role would just go to a different executioner model entirely. (And to her, that's an even worse outcome.)

The existence of tracking in the black box signals and of other executioner models makes a physical escape highly impractical, if not impossible. A2 manages, but I would argue that that's partially due to two factors: 1) Her model was already abandoned by the time she arrived on Earth. YoRHa cared more about manufacturing their newest line than about preventing her from disabling all the tracking stuff, which, if my memory serves, was briefly detailed in one of the side stories. And, 2) she was alone. When it comes to escape, the only way for 2B to achieve her ideal goal would be to escape with 9S. And not only does the logistics of a second person complicate things--you'd bet that YoRHa is going to quickly shift their focus if two of their highest performing androids go missing at once.

Given this mountain of problems, 2B is at least trying to minimize the amount of suffering she causes while stuck in this cycle. And I mean--we're in NieR. That's still a lot of suffering. Nevertheless, I give her credit. As is hashed out several times in canon, it's not like she's going about her job gleefully committing crimes. She's trying to be as kind-hearted as she can, given that she's stuck in the circumstances of having to do this at least once a month with no foreseeable way out except through.

The other characters acknowledge this whole situation, too. I'm honestly still a bit foggy on Commander White's role in all this (NieR lore is very deep and convoluted), but even she seems to offer to shoulder some of the culpability for said crimes.

So, I guess, technically, 2B is guilty in the sense that yes, she carried out the specific actions that the blorbo court is trying her for. But who is really the criminal mastermind behind all of this? I don't think it's her. And does she really have any power or agency in this situation? My argument is, very little, if any. So, presented these two choices as a binary, that ultimately leans my vote toward "innocent."

Submitted by Anon

#nier #nier automata #aki likes analyzing things #this is the kind of stuff my brain does at 2 AM

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senseioftheseidiots · 2 years ago

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Now this is surely an..interesting match...

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apoptoses · 2 years ago

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how did you stop comparing your writing to other people's? if you can please share some of what helped for you ❤️

So. First things first. Step away from the fic.

Seriously. We have to develop the skill of being objective about writing before we can stop comparing.

Fic typically has a certain kind of writing style so you've gotta diversify your portfolio of inspo. Take a week long AO3 cleanse. Pick up a few books at the library, watch that movie you've been meaning to watch. Read some books about writing technique and only once you mentally feel refreshed can you come back with a clear mind.

And if you stop reading about your blorbo and start reading about some character in book you don't care a ton about you can disconnect. We project onto our faves, it's just a fact. So when you're reading a shitload of fic about your fave you're thinking 'yes, this is how i see them, no this isn't how i see them' and then you get into the spiral of 'but this is how i wish i could write about them' and you're on a one way train to Sadness.

But! Picking up, say, Call Me By Your Name- Elio and Oliver are fun, but they're not My Guys. So I can look at their experiences in the book more objectively and then actually look at the writing style itself. It's like taking two steps back from a painting and suddenly seeing the whole image at once. If you're too close (physically and emotionally) you're cut off from the big picture.

Then when you pick up a writing technique book, you can start seeing the stylistic choices used in Thing You Just Read But Are Not Too Close To. Get back into your literary analysis mindset. Get objective.

Now that you've done your cleanse, come back to a favorite fic. Print it out or download it to your phone. Treat it like an academic exercise. Highlight what you like about it. Figure out what skills that writer had to work on- was it description of places? Was it word choice?

Put those skills into a list of things YOU, the writer, want to work on. And then research how to get better at them! Remind yourself that you're learning and then you'll find yourself comparing in a objective way and not a self-esteem based way.

Now on the psychological side-

Comparing yourself comes from being insecure in some way (I know this, I have been there, I have suffered a lot from it). You gotta work on your self talk.

I've said this before, but work on changing the way you think about your work.

this work sucks -> this story needs edited

X writes blorbo better than me -> I need to reread the source material and write some meta about this aspect of blorbo

X's fic is so much better than mine, I'll never be that good -> X has spent a LOT of time working on their fic and if I work hard my fic will be good too

It sounds silly but god, it works! If I catch myself saying a negative thing then I stop myself, figure out how to reword it, and say that thought to myself in the new, not harsh way. Your brain works like a muscle, you've gotta train it until it remembers these things and you catch yourself before you spiral.

Also, if the person you're comparing yourself to is your friend- ask them about how they do the thing in their fic you like so much!

Remember that they're human too and are likely hitting the stages of grief as they write, and they're here to support you. My most feared writers are now my friends and I go to them for support when I'm in the weeds of self esteem.

Finally, if comparison is stopping you from sitting down and writing at all, you gotta just push through that pain. Write something. No pressure, it can suck, just put a 100 words down. And then the next day do something different. And the next. Just a 100 words! Until something sticks and you feel like you can keep going with it. And then apply previous steps so you don't give up before you're done.

And then? Post it. Fuck it. Your brain might be telling you it's not as good as X's fic but someone is gonna come into your comments and gush about loving it. If you can't post it because you're proud, then post it for the validation. Just share the thing so it becomes habit.

Lastly.

It's fic. We're not competing. We're not getting paid. We're doing this for love of our characters and if you're comparing and struggling with negative self talk then you're not having fun. Figure out what it'll take for you to find the joy in fandom and then try again.

I hope some of this helps! It's so hard but being objective about it is the most important thing you can learn to do ♥ And I promise, your work is better than you tell yourself it is.

#apoptoses answers

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the-one-who-lambs · 3 years ago

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SIT DOWN it’s STORY TIME.

Y'all would not fucking BELIEVE the counseling appointment I just had. I PROMISE it’s related to Cult of the Lamb. Just sit tight.

TL;DR: I have been questioning whether I am autistic for YEARS. What helped actually set a potential diagnosis for me in action? It was motherfucking Cult of the Lamb.

Context: I recently moved, transferred health systems, and needed to refill my adhd medication (vyvanse, which is a controlled substance) so since my new health system has different diagnostic requirements for ADHD I had to go in for a psych eval to basically confirm that yes I still have adhd. Which all worked out, btw, I have access to my medication again.

BUT.

When I thought the appointment was nearing a close, she brought up the fact that I had self-identified as "neurodivergent" and last time she had asked me to explain what it meant to me. I explained that it encompassed many different ways of thinking and different brain chemistries/structures, including but not limited to ADHD, autism, PTSD, cerebral palsy etc. She then asked if I could potentially relate to any more of these identities and nudged me towards autism. Which was so validating because I've been wondering for years but like. For a therapist to just come out and lay it right in front of me was... unexpected. So that day I told her yes, I related to many autistic traits but that I also knew that there was a lot of overlap of symptoms between autism and ADHD and that non-autistic people could have autistic traits as well. I was deflecting wanting to deal with this and apparently it was obvious because she brought it back up again today.

There was a part of me dreading this appointment because I knew there was a chance she'd bring this up and then I would have to deal with it and it would feel real. So when she asked about it again and pointed out, hey your psych results and history questionnaire from your parents and past diagnoses and etc all line up with this and i just start tearing up because I don't know what else to do

And we had a long conversation about it and kinda unpacked my internalized ableism about this and pointed out some things in my history/questionnaire/eval that had led her to pose the question about pursuing a potential second evaluation for autism. So I accepted, because I had been procrastinating it for a while (due to fear of finding out that I was right I guess? but also really wanting to know and knowing in my heart that I know myself best and I was probably right?). If not now, when. So I have a follow-up appointment for an autism evaluation on October 24. Whatever the outcome I'm just proud I did this today.

Here's the fucking kicker that I think y'all are gonna appreciate.

So many of y'all know I write Narinder as autistic and boy howdy have I been projecting onto him so hard. When doing research for writing Requiem I realized how many of these traits I was checking off for myself. I published it like 2 days before the appointment. I have a LOT of trouble describing myself. My personality, my symptoms when asked about them, etc etc. But because I had done so much reading I had an idea fresh in my mind about what my autistic traits were because I had written them out and compared them to what I was writing. So I was able to articulate the things my counselor was asking me about so well and I felt like I had the most productive appointment I've had in ages. Looking back, I realized a lot of the things she asked me were autism-related rather than ADHD related. (For example, she asked me about any special interests I might have. Literally infodumped about the history of ALL my hyperfixations for ten minutes, then infodumped about my current hyperfixation cult of the lamb and my special interest (creative writing) and how I've been combining these two things and projecting onto blorbo from my video games and shit.) And all this really helped her in my evaluation and led her to propose the further evaluation for autism in the first place.

Also kinda screaming at the fact that I might have to send my therapist my fanfics so she can use them as a diagnostic tool.

Well. Back to writing.

Update: got diagnosed lol

#cult of the lamb #hannah's rambles

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safyresky · 25 days ago

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I'LL GO FIRST!!!

BUT FIRST! LET ME JUST SAY! WHOLLY FUCKING SHIT?!?!?! THE DETAILS?!?!?! WHAT A MASTERPIECE!!!! 🤩🤩🤩 I hope you had as much fun arting it as I am LOOKING AT IT. It's a feast for my eyes, look at all the DEETS. holy shit i love fashion time. i love dressing up the blorbos. holy SHITTT.

ANYWAY

THOUGHTS ON JACQUELINE (and co. to a lesser extent) being in the WILD WEST. After some gushing.

FIRSt off, love that Killian thrives in the wild west. THAT checks out :3

HE LOOKS SO HAPPY I JUST WANT TO ALWAYS SEE HIM HAPPY

LOVE that Elle's tinkering with the thing as they go! Very on brand for her and also the RoE parrallels with B doing the same thing have me like AHHHHH (barfs heart emojis)

AND I AM SO SURE SHE WILL MANAGE TO FIX THAT THING! SHE'S GONNA SHOW FATHER TIME'S WATCHES WHO'S BOSS. HER. IT'S HER. SHE'S GONNA GET EM!!!!

MEL'S FIT! AH! MEL! I love that she plops onto Jacqueline! K and I have had many a chat and the two of them very much do plop on one another a lot. (they get rather close, though I'll defer to @kscribbs for matters on Melusine the Watery Queen!)

Using THAT to segue a bit into group dynamics bc I HAVE thought about the four of them SINCE the very first beautiful hangout post of them AND! 100% the whole reason this group hangs out is Jacqueline. 100%!!

She's the glue lmao. She's so silly and determined and brushes any negativity right off her shoulders that she somehow manages to wrangle the three of them on an ooting every so often and it is literally on her Magical-CV I'd bet lmao

"Proficient in swords. Great communicator. Organized. Able to bring the most unlikely of teams together."

She probably starts with Elle or Mel; recruiting the girlie she HADN'T started with after that is usually easy, and then Killian gets dragged into it somehow

Idk WHY or HOW Jacqueline manages to influence him but it seems she does? @lmelodie you're the expert there, so I'll leave that to your discretion ;)

Jacqueline's just a force to be reckoned with, I suppose!

NOW. JACQUELINE IN THE WILD WEST

She didn't actually GO out west at ALL. 100% avoided it because it sounded too hot and not fun and a likely spot for running into Big Bothers who, at the time of the wild wild west, would have gotten PRETTY BANGED UP upon a run in with the Little Flurry!

So she deffs avoided it lmao

SO. IN THIS SCENARIO. I IMAGINE SHE IS VERY EXCITED TO EXPERIENCE IT! Probably asking Kills all sorts of q's about it, which is either gr8 for him bc one of his fave times or really very annoying. It could go either way, I suppose, but again, you're the expert! I defer that to you! :)

She 100% treats it like Piracy, but on land with horses and carriages and a lot more guns

Which I think she isn't the best at using but tries her darndest!

The MOMENT she gets her hands on swords or knives or bludgeoning weapons though, she's UNSTOPPABLE. Whatever badies are chasing them here aren't gonna know WHAT hit them

(snow. and then a baseball bat or something HEAVY. Lead pipe? Candlestick? Stolen blacksmith's tools?)

I just know she's gonna compare driving the coach to steering/keeping a ship on course I can hear her already

"Not as intuitive as a ship, but like. Same diff. DEFFS prefer a car, I will say, but you gotta do what you gotta do when you're in the old west. Oh, hey! A lead pipe! Tucking THAT away for later"

hehehe

Someone in the wild west probably owes Jack money and comes after Jacqueline about it

(One of her Legate tasks is keeping track of people who owe jack money, people jack owes money to, people who want to kill jack, people who want to kill her, people who want to kill the both of them, people SHE'S accidentally pissed off, and so on and so forth lol)

And THAT'S why she kept the lead pipe on hand! 😉

Weather/power wise, she will most likely be keeping up an area of effect so she stays cool and everyone within 5 feet of her stay cool like some kinda dnd shit, but I'm sure she'll get tuckered out and a bit cranky. Possibly hangry, too

100% she's sprite sleeping after THIS excursion

"That was AWESOME" She yells, before passing out on the spot probably in Mel's house or Elle's house lmao

They just throw a blanket on her and leave her there--not the first time she's done this, and certainly won't be the last I imagine lmao

The saloon doors swing open with a worn creak with their entry. The patrons inside barely batting an eye at the two women who enter. The terrible desert heat has melted most of Jacqueline's frost off her at this point, blending in more with the rest of the folks around here. Her and Elle both look over the hourglass in Jacqueline's hands. The sand unnaturally halted in space mid pinch point, neither flowing down nor shifting, no matter which way she turns it over in her palm.

"Why is Father Time's stuff always so finicky?" Elle asks. "And I mean like ALL of his stuff is just so touchy and for what?"

"I know right! He calls it timey wimey nonsense and as accurate as that description is, not an excuse for all his shit to go haywire this often."

The pair only have a second to linger in the doorway before they’re split down the center. Killian moves past them with Mel tossed over one of his shoulders, limp and dehydrated, cloudy in the eyes. Both girls stumble to the side as he bulldozes past them, this time garnering the attention of the saloon goes.

However few are there this early in the day, they all cast concerned glances to each other, watching the stranger cross the length of the building to the bar at the back wall, depositing the other stranger onto a stool. A few onlookers letting out a sigh of relief when the woman manages to sit herself up and confirms her own mortality.

Jacqueline's brow furrows, handing the hourglass to Elle before following the both of them to the bar.

"Keep the drinks coming for this one, been out in the sun too long," Killian drawls to the tender, "She's got a bit of the visions goin'. As many as it takes, and sprinkle in a few beers for her too. I'll take care of the tab at the end of the night."

The barkeep shrugs as his only nonchalant confirmation.

Killian takes his hat off and sits next to Mel, just in time for Jacquline to do the same on her other side, holding her shoulders as she sways slightly.

"Kills I told you; I can keep her hydrated.”

��There's only so much snowballs can do in a desert Jacqueline.”

“Hey, I have never come across a problem that can't be solved with a couple dozen snowballs! I use them so much for a reason.”

All three briefly pause as a tall glass and a taller mug of beer slide across the countertop to Mel and Killian respectively. Mel takes the glass without hesitation, gulping down the drink in record time with a satisfied huff. A tint of color returns to her eyes, spinning a pointed finger in the air and sliding the empty glass, "HOH! Good stuff. Another, please barkeep.”

“Plus, I highly doubt that you can keep making ice out of thin air when it's 103 out here.”

Jacqueline's nose scrunches, “I can go as long as I want out here! Summer sprite blood comes in handy for that, you underestimate me?!”

“A little,” he punctuates the sentence with drowning the first half of his own drink.

Jacqueline grumbles to herself, snagging the second glass sliding down to Mel before it gets to her. She takes a sparing glance around the mostly empty establishment, waiting until the bartender has his back turned, and holding a clenched fist over the cup before dropping three summoned ice cubes into the water. She makes direct eye contact with Killian. He rolls his eyes; Mel takes the glass without comment.

It was then that Elle gently intersected herself between the other two women, “Hey so, bad news, I have no idea how to fix this thing.” The elf sidles over to Mels other side to take her own seat, “It's not like any of his other stuff where there's mechanics inside it or something, I just can't figure it out.”

“Huh. Well, I guess we have ample time to figure it out if nothing else.”

Mel, already finishing her third glass, finally pipes up, a bit more life in her form than a few minutes ago, “Oh no, I'm sorry ladies, but I cannot stay here in this dry pit of despair for any longer than I must. Water is too sparse here and I feel like a piece of wilted flora.”

“Very fair. Mel, we will not let you get shriveled up—”

“—Again,” Elle adds apologetically.

“Again.”

“To be fair, I might've let my pride get in the way of that one. Should've told you sooner, really.”

“Girl, it’s fine. Everything will be fine, we'll get this hourglass working again and we can all go home,” Jacqueline assures her.

Mel sighs and falls over to lean against Jacqueline's side, “at the very least, even without the ice on the outside, you still run very cold.”

“Thanks! It comes in handy,” she cheerfully responds, wrapping an arm around her and pulling Killian in as well to share the cold. He immediately pulls away in favor of finishing his first drink of the night.

OOH BOY, you y'all remember that little project I mentioned I was doing here? Well, this is the FRIST HALF of that thang. WELCOME TO THE COWBOY ADVENTURE BABYYY LETS GOO

There was originally gonna be more of a story besides the little blurb up there, but I decided, fuck it, too impatient, I've been laboring away at this for TOO LONG I don't have more time to write a proper one shot of this right now lol

The top illustration absolutely took me SO LONG to complete, I really fucked myself over for doing a STAGECOACH AND TWO HORSES!

But allow me to get into some nitty gritty about this little adventure:

Killian's cowboy outfit has always been this way; this is always what he was gonna look like.

And he canonically LOVED the wild west era, was active for the entire thing, had an absolute BALL, pretty sure it was one of, if not his FAVORITE era. I imagine the rag he usually has tied around his foot was his old bandana from this time!

But conceptualizing the girls' outfits was SO FUN.

I had an inner debate with myself on whether or not Mel would be wearing pants for this adventure, and something maybe a little more femme and historically accurate.

But I found out what a Victorian Cycling fit looks like and it was PERFECT for her. Still moveable but almost a little nerdy looking in some kind of way, and just a looking just enough out of place for where this is taking place in.

I also kind of had this same dilemma with Jacqueline, because she really does rock the chaps, I was tempted to make that her ft but ended up with a more Annie Oakly (A famous sharpshooter) looking skirt.

And because her brother already has the chaps in my personal style catalogue and I didn't want them to be TOO matchy in the meta

And because Killian is still on probation from the LAST time he drove, I got to do a little nod to this piece where the sibs are in the same situation. Having them make similar faces in this scene gave me such joy >:)

Elle I pretty much got on the first try.

I tried out the jacket and hat on the second one, but what I've found is that she really pulls off the bustled skirt look. Changed out the lace for the stripe pattern and she's good lol (and ended up making her skirt green in the illo because it would've blended too much with the red coach.)

I think Elle is actually gonna be the sharpshooter in this group! Kills ends up giving her the shot gun and she handles it pretty well!

I think this little chase scene ends when they abandon the coach and jump onto a moving train to escape.

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agentmmayy · 3 years ago

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november & december rotation

combining these last two months of 2022 into one rotation post since i did not listen to that much new music but what i did, i found some really good songs to end the year with so here’s a post to start the new year off

golden child - paravi: whole bop!!!!!!!!! paravi’s voice is gorgeous. delivers the struggle of growing up “the golden child” so poignantly and without remorse. it’s absolutely delicious and cathartic

remember why you fell in love - natalie madigan: not to blorbo this but i will. chenford. ‘we were adding up sins in the city of angels’ ‘if i said i’m gonna die i’m gonna do it my way’ this song is their entire arc no i don’t take criticism

don’t say - gabrielle aplin: the kind of song to listen to when dancing in the rain or driving through the city looking up at the tall buildings and realizing how so very small and insignificant you are. emo song.

craigslist personals - WRENN: usually averse to titles like this but this song pleasantly surprised me. the chorus has been stuck in my head and rattling around in it for the past 2 months especially with the line ‘if you pretend i’m not around can you pretend to hear me out’ also the vocals are insane

don’t go - kate stephenson: ‘you think you could leave me when i need you most i guess i’m dancing with your ghost’ it’s about the continuous cycle of being let down and being ready for them to leave and to get out of the relationship or situation but not wanting to leave the security of it and then the song shifts with same line but instead ‘i guess i’m laughing at your ghost’ the growth!!!!! the journey!!!! the realization that you don’t need them!!!

nostalgic for the moment - kathryn gallagher: this song has a soft core early-mid 2000s rock aesthetic. favorite part in particular is ‘i like it when you touch me i like it when you call i picture how your clothes look on my living room floor’ something about the cadence and the vocals and just how vivid and honest it is. but also how sexy it is. ‘i pretend my hands are yours whenever i’m bored’ hello???????

rivers of my love - natalie madigan: tbh i wasn’t as impressed with this song as the previous one but as soon as i heard ‘i got restless in the bed that we made’ it put me thru the mf roof!!!!!!!!!!!!! what the fuck!!!!!!!!! enraptured ever since. the song is a relentless cry of admission and it hurts so good

moonlight - madison rose: perhaps my favorite song on this entire rotation. the sing-a-long capability is unparalleled and yes i have sung along to it and danced in my chair and around my room. the perfect song to round out the previous ones

GHOSTS - PI3RCE: i think this is ranking right up there with ‘memory lane’ on the gut-punching scale because every lyric came for my ass. which. ‘all i know is you’re the only solid thing i’ll ever know’ + ‘all my older loves have crumbled in my memories just like stone now they’re just ghosts’ how am i supposed to live laugh love in this situation!!!!!!! i’m not sure if it’s the slow almost syrupy music or the gentle hushed vocals but the yearning and the grief and the love is so palpable i tear up every time listening. the part about this song that blew my mind the most is that the singer is also a ghost. that’s why the song feels so ephemeral. and i will blorbo this. derek hale. and i’m a sucker for a cello.

putting this here at the end because the transition from don’t go to nostalgic for the moment was too perfect but this is such a contradiction regarding the use of ghosts compared to don’t go. a ghost being someone you’re glad to let go of where it’s bittersweet vs a ghost you can’t let go of and follow them onto the same plane of existence and even then you’re still looking for them is so insane to me. don’t go has the journey and the growth past that state of being meanwhile GHOSTS is stuck just like, well, a ghost

i won’t need to dream - jude york: everything about this song is dreamy (obviously) it reminds me a lot of similar songs, at least lyrically and in the first few lines, from disney films. it’s so hopeful and not exactly an adult version of those songs but one that makes our dreams seem more reachable. also i think my soul ascended hearing 1:04-1:16 for the first time

#tbh the songs i listened to most in december were 'memory lane' and 'running up that hill' but i've talked about those enough already #so have these instead #oh and 'casual'#any song: *mentions ghosts or has it in the title*#me and 152glasslippers immediately: DEREK HALE #the vibes recently have been 'songs that reminisce a relationship but in a positive and not salty way'#confused but here for it #monthly music rotation #monthly music roundup

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linalilia · 2 years ago

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Can you believe that its been a year since we played this bingo game? Time flies, huh? Anyway, I was thinking that I could tell you my in-depth opinions of your Milgram ocs (and vice versa) before we move onto trial 2! Then we can come back to this and compare how our opinions of each others' ocs have changed. :D If that's okay with you, of course! Please don't feel pressured to do it if you don't want to!

I'll make a post about my thoughts on your Milgram ocs separately. Don't want to put such long ramblings in your ask box, haha. Look forward to it!

OHHH YEAH I REMEMBER THAT it's really been a year, huh.. and sure, i'd love to do that! sounds very fun <3

and speaking of trial 2, i'm not sure if i'll be able to post stuff like album covers and everyone's designs this month (maybe i'll post a pre-t2 voice drama or two though), because of irl things and i still have a lot of art to work on, but i already know how everyone will act and i have everyone's song titles and trailer voicelines ready and. yeah my ocs' t2 versions will act so different from their t1 versions 😭

anyway, here's what i think about your milgram ocs!

HARUTO >>>> no really i love him a lot! his design is so ��💖💞💓💗 he sure is a pretty boy! he's very fun to draw and i like how he actually looks like a guard in that picrew!

now, about his personality. i love how chill and relaxed he is, his personality is like a nice break from those guards who take their job much more seriously (*ahem* es, eiji and miki). it's really cool how he understands that all of this is some kind of experiment too, because again, those guards believe that milgram is always right no matter what and never (or rarely) question it. i find very interesting how he's so unpredictable, but his verdicts also sound.. reasonable? (well, if we're talking about the canon ones) like he doesn't jump to conclusions and also his decisions are understandable. and it feels refreshing to see a character who's an amnesiac, but doesn't really care about his memories and who he really is. i have this theory that haruto was, like, a completely average person and his memories really aren't that important, but maybe he was "chill" in a different way, like maybe he was just very apathetic? maybe that's why he has a feeling that his memories don't really matter? i'm very excited to see him in season 2! maybe he will get some character development?

ichiro!! my son!! my blorbo!! i would be terrified of him irl but i still relate to him a completely normal amount okay, okay, gonna be honest, i didn't know what to do with him when you posted his poll, like, at the same time i don't think forgiving him is the best decision, but also.. it's complicated, like, i think i need more info about him and his crime.

i love how he just goes with the flow and doesn't really care about anything and the fact that he likes to draw makes him even more cute <3 his mood swings make him more realistic too, like he's not just -_- most of the time, like he's actually a very emotional person!

about the "part of a dynamic" part, i just think that even though ichiro's personality is what makes him unique, when it's just him, there's not much to talk about, i guess? like i think his personality truly stands out when he's interacting with someone else. i still like him a lot though!

akane!! i don't have much to say about her, but i really do think she's innocent, at least right now, and as i've said before, i thought that an innocent verdict could "calm her down" and make her open up a bit more, also i just don't think her crime was that bad, like i think you said it was self-defense in some way? even if it wasn't, i really don't think that akane is a type of person who would kill someone for no reason at all and i trust her. also i really like her cuter tsundere side too, hehe <3 i would still find her intimidating irl though.

also i really like the parallels between ichiro and akane, like, the first one still acts like a small child, meanwhile the other one is more mature (even though she doesn't seem like it at first?), it's like.. both of them are coping in a different way, i guess? makes me think about haruka and yuno too.

it's daisuke's turn! I WANT TO BITE HIM DJFHKSDKSLLS /pos. okay, he's another milgram oc of yours that i would be too scared to talk to irl i'm just a scaredy cat okay but i really do think he's innocent, again, at least right now, like i don't care about his job, you know, do what you gotta do, and when it comes to his crime.. idk, i'm really getting innocent vibes. like, if he regrets it, that's enough for me to forgive him. and come on, his poor little meow meow energy is so strong! you've also mentioned that he's suffering from survivor's guilt which is.. interesting. i really don't have any theories right now and i'll need more info to understand his crime better, but i'm excited to find out more about him! also all the women rejecting him is so funny HDHSKSKSKKD he's such a loser /affectionate

i think you've said that suzume is that one oc you've struggled with the most and tbh i think i can see that? not in a bad way, of course, it's just.. she kinda has that energy, like, she was added later than everyone else, i guess? like at the same time i really like her but i don't have that much to say about her? i do have my theories though and also her mv is one of my favorites! really wanna draw something based on it when i have the time, hehe.

i LOVE her design though, she's so pretty 💖💖 she kinda has that "third sanada sibling" vibe /j about the "didn't get enough screentime" part, i just.. it's like i can't really understand her personality, i guess? like i remember reading her profile and her voice drama and still going "WHO ARE YOU" JDJKDKSLDKS. like, i can describe everyone else's personality traits, but when it comes to suzume, i'm like ".. uhhh her mv has pretty crystals :D" AND THAT'S NOT EVEN A PERSONALITY TRAIT. that interaction with shun has helped me understand her a bit better though! (also help i've finished working on shun's mv description recently and now i'm looking at the shun x suzume part like. are you sure you'd be okay with a bf like that suzume. are you sure) i also have a habit to call her suzu whenever i think about her or talk about her out loud skdksdls please don't mind me i talk to myself way too often

. i am going to be honest with you, i genuinely forget that haku exists sometimes AND I DON'T KNOW WHY 😭 like i really love his design, i think he's very (unintentionally) funny, his mv also makes me THINK, but also. i don't know why, he's just so forgettable djsdjksksl?? like, whenever i feel like i forgot one of your ocs, my brain goes "you know. the one who has a brother" and i'm like "OHHHHHHH", like the piano part isn't even the first thing i think about??

again. i would be too scared of him to talk to him if i ever met haku irl. i can't describe it, it's just.. the vibes are weird. like i voted him innocent, mostly because i just felt like it would be weird for me to vote him guilty when i don't even know anything about his crime *insert kei's 100% guilty rate joke here* also. i might be wrong and i won't be surprised if i am wrong, but. is it just me or haku's brother's vibes are weird too. like i don't wanna say he manipulated him or something but like. i feel like there is a reason why haku was so loyal to him and it's not necessarily "oh, you know, they are family, they're very close and all", i feel like it goes deeper than that and it's actually darker. i may be overthinking it though.

YUI!!! one of my faves, honestly. probably because i had a long idol/music games and anime phase. i love her design a lot, she's very pretty!! she's such an interesting character too, because like.. at the same time the fact that she refuses to admit the fact that she's a murderer annoys me a bit also come on her milgram cover is inmf, but also i kinda believe her? like maybe it wasn't an accident, but an indirect murder? like she really was the reason why her victim died, but it's not like, you know, she did it with her own hands. that would be so embarrassing though, like she's really not doing well because of her guilty verdict right now and then it turns out that it really was an accident 😭 very excited to see her go crazy <3

listen. again. sorry for mentioning their designs all the time, i'm that kind of person who cares a lot about the visuals, but i really like rin's design! he's very cute!

(also a note: i actually can imagine all your ocs as milgram characters? like they have the perfect designs for that, i think. like they're not too bright and colorful, but they're still easy to remember and i think that's cool and they fit the whole milgram aesthetic really well! like, i wanted to try and draw my ocs in milgram art style, but i kinda gave up because i couldn't imagine them actually looking like milgram characters at all djdkslsl)

but when it comes to his other traits.. i really don't have much to say? like seriously, if i had a chance to talk to him, i would just go "get over it" sjhskaslsls. i have no idea what that girl did, like maybe she started dating someone or simply spending more time with someone, but come on, dude, get up, this is embarrassing. him being the youngest prisoner doesn't help his case either, like i can't take his crime seriously at all, i'm sorry :'D but who knows, maybe he'll turn out to be the most scary and dangerous prisoner here!

noa is another forgettable one for me, i'm sorry djfhnkdsl. i have a habit to refer to noa and suzume as a set, like, you know, sad girls who have some kind of love-related problems. it doesn't mean i don't like noa though! i just really don't know much about her and i don't know what to say about her. i would love to learn more about her relationship with her husband though and like.. how and why her whole crime even happened. and it's nice to see that your prisoners have a good older sister figure here if we don't count her using alcohol as a coping mechanism <3 her dynamic with rin is cute too!

OHHHH kiyoshi is a difficult one. like i voted him innocent (i think so? i don't remember that well actually), but.. i can't help but feel like something is wrong. like i really can't believe that it was just "self-defense". come on, his song title is literally "true colors", THERE MUST BE SOMETHING. but if he's just obsessed with justice or something and he saw what he did as self-defense, i won't be surprised. and the fact that he's more cheerful now also makes me feel like kiyoshi has a darker side that he hasn't shown yet. like don't think i will go easy on you this time, old man, i'll be watching you very closely <3 (also i remember you saying that riku and kiyoshi would get along well? i wonder what you meant by that.. maybe it was about the "everyone relies on them, but they can't rely on anyone" bit?)

and another one with scary vibes jsjksklsls maybe i'm just not a fan of characters who kill for justice, their morals or what they think is "right"? like something about that sounds messed up to me. and yes, i voted mayumi guilty AND I DON'T REGRET IT OKAY. sure, maybe your patient was a criminal, but again, you're a nurse and you should do your job. don't think that you have the right to decide his fate or anything like that. i'm sure mayumi really had good intentions and she really is a kind person, but yeah, right now i can't say she's innocent or that i'm planning to forgive her in season 2.

#I AM SO SORRY TO SAY THAT I FORGET ABOUT SOME OF THEM SOMETIMES again my brain is too tiny #or maybe it's because like. my brain likes to think of some of your ocs as the same person like i've mentioned noa and suzume #also yeah my judgements can be a bit harsh sometimes 😭 maybe i'm secretly an eiji kinnie /j #very excited to see what you think of my ocs though!#expect to see more fanart of your kids when i'm finally free btw :)#lina's ask box time!#lina's friends!#friend: aurora! 🌠

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thetalltranstiefling · 1 year ago

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Its 4am and I’m jet lagged as fuck but blorbo brainrot persists. I present to you part 3.

Taylor is living in a nightmare.

After his stupid sperm donor for a father stayed for dinner the first night of Hanukkah, his mom- who is WAY TOO NICE by the way, invited to let the guy stay to help with food for the next night. And the next. And then it was all of them. And as if things couldn’t get any worse, he never left! Now that loser is around all the time, doing all the house chores. Taylor confronted his mom about it and she said she ‘hired him.’ Hired him!! To stay in the house! Why would she do that?! This is all so unfair!

And the absolute most horrible thing of them all just happened.

Taylor got a call from his mom- that’s not the bad part, he loves his mom. So much. The bad part is the completely terrible news she broke to him. “Tay, something came up at work, and I won’t be able to go with you to the anime convention today. I want you to take your father with you instead.”

And Taylor’s reaction of course, was completely reasonable. “WHAT?! I’D RATHER GET EATEN BY A SNAKE AND SLOWLY DIGESTED! I can’t take that loser to a con he’ll embarrass me in front of my people!”

“Honey, please calm down…”

“Can’t I just go by myself? Or with one of my friends? I’m an adult, I don’t need someone following me around anymore! Especially not him.” Taylor shook his fist as he stared at one of his Demon Slayer posters on the wall. One of the lesser demons in the background getting its head sliced off looks mildly like Nicky and it’s his favorite thing to glare at when he’s practicing being menacing.

“Taylor, I love you and I respect your independence of course, but you have to remember we are famous and rich. Not everywhere is safe for us. I’d just feel better if you had someone who will be able to protect you if anything happens.”

“Oh and he’s been so great at that in the past, hasn’t he?” Taylor threw a ninja star at the poster but it just hit Inosuke in the forehead. He huffed.

“Come on, it’s been years now. He’s trying his best. Can’t you at least give him one more chance?”

“I gave him plenty of chances already! I don’t owe him my sympathy.” Taylor glanced at a box in the corner of his room under some stacked up manga, where two halves of a certain wooden sword are collecting dust in the dark. He put the part of himself that cared in that box too… He turned away and quickly went back to being annoyed.

“Okay, well I didn’t want to have to pull this card, but I’ll be honest with you, Tay. I do not trust you not to get into trouble, and your father is the person I trust the most to make sure you behave.”

Taylor made an offended noise, sliding off his bed with his legs sticking up in the air. “MOM! Don’t tell me you still have feelings for him! Don’t you remember what happened last time you trusted a man like this!”

“Hey, you cannot compare Willy to your dad! I am paying him to do what I say! That makes it completely different!”

“You’re blinded by your love, Mom. Blinded I say.”

“Will you please just do it, Tay?”

“Mom-“

“Pleaseee, for your momma?”

Taylor got up off the floor only to flop back onto the bed. “…Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhfine.”

“Thank you, sweetie. Oh-! I have to go!”

Taylor made a face. “Awfully convenient timing-“

“Bye, I love you, baby!”

Taylor sighed. “Love you, Mom.”

Nicky’s life has been so nice lately he’s starting to question if it’s real or if he finally went too far with one of those hard imp drugs.

After helping with the food for Hanukkah and staying with Cass and Taylor for the entirety of the holidays, Cass invited to let him stay if he does all the house chores (besides cooking, which she enjoys when she has time). And he’s so grateful for that because it’s been the greatest job ever so far. He’s really been able to learn a lot about how Cass has changed, with her life, habits, and likes. Not to mention all the above about Taylor, who he barely knew anything about before. Even if it’s just as their housekeeper, he’s so happy to have grown closer to them.

And to top it off, the craziest thing just happened.

He’s embarrassed to admit that he nodded off in the living room after sweeping and mopping the floors. He’s been plagued with nightmares for most of his life, and being alone in the tiny guest room of the house with only his worries and two loud voices in his head doesn’t help so much. So telling himself that he’s ‘just gonna sit down for one second’ on this nice, comfy couch blanketed in warm sunlight from the freshly wiped windows is entirely a lie.

Nicky’s not completely sure how much time passed, but eventually he heard muttering. “God…so pathetic…” Then he got poked in the shoulder. “Hey!!”

“Guh-!” he awoke with a start and- Taylor was looking directly at him. Surely this isn’t real. His tail started moving back and forth excitedly. “Hi Taylor, do you- do you need something?”

Taylor’s arms were crossed and he pouted. “Mom said I have to take you with me to the anime con I’m going to today. But this doesn’t mean we’re not still mortal enemies, alright? Just get off your ass before we’re late and we have to stand in a line like losers.”

Nicky sprung to his feet. “What- we’re what…you’re…taking me with you? Out? To someplace?”

“Do I have to repeat myself, old man? Come on, let’s just go, I’m not talking to you anymore.” Taylor turned on his heel and started towards the door. He almost forgot his keys but when he turned around to retrieve them he saw a strange human guy standing where Nicky had been standing. “GAH- Wait,” it took him a second to recognize the magic disguise. “Why the fuck are you wearing that??”

“Uhhhh, so I don’t look like a tiefling?”

“No! No no no! You can’t go looking like my lame dad! Just stay yourself!” Taylor grabbed his keys, acting as if this wasn’t a big deal.

“What?! I can’t do that! What if someone-“

Nicky looked at Taylor’s disappointed face and stopped talking, releasing the spell without another word.

“Heh. That’s what I thought.”

And that’s where they’re at now. Nicky walks beside Taylor to the lightrail.

“Don’t walk next to me.”

Nicky walks behind Taylor to the lightrail. Very awkwardly. What do I even do? I’ve never gone on a real outing with my son before! And he doesn’t even want me here… What kinds of things do I say? I really just want to make sure he has a good time and also a safe time but what does that even look like- don’t you even start Nicholas.

“But I can help if you just let me take over! I had plenty of safe fun with my dad!”

I don’t want- Oh no-

“No, you should let me handle this!” Nick chimes in. “He’ll love me as much as I loved hanging out with my dad!!”

The last time I let you ‘handle’ something I ended up in a dumpster! Neither of you are helping me figure this out!

Nicky is suddenly pulled from his anxiety-ridden thoughts by a guy walking by them. “Sick costume dude!” He holds his hand out for a high five and somehow- probably Nick’s doing- Nicky sticks it perfectly as they pass by each other. After a few seconds of being frozen there his face flushes. I mean technically it’s my skin, but that felt kinda nice…

“Cass would have plenty to say about-“

NICK SHUT IT.

“Heh.”

This happens a few more times as they go, various people complimenting Nicky’s ‘awesome cosplay,’ until Taylor says, “…Okay you can get closer to me.”

Nicky tries not to seem too visibly excited about this for fear he’d take it back and walks next to him for the remainder of the journey to the lightrail. Once onboard they get quite a few stares from the other passengers, but Nicky does his best to be cool for Taylor and stands there holding one of the straps on the roof as if he were posing. Taylor begrudgingly mutters something about wishing he had worn his Tanjiro cosplay and Nicky smiles, his nerves eased a bit.

They arrive at the convention center and he no longer stands out so much. Which is somewhat a relief, Nicky’s conflicted there because on one hand anxiety and the other Taylor seemed to like the attention.

“Y’know you could-“

No. I’m not doing that, Nick.

They walk around a bit, Taylor talks to all his favorite fan artists at their booths, he must be a regular. But at one point something catches Nicky’s eye and he purchases it. “Hey Taylor, look!”

Taylor turns and sees him holding up a little keychain of the Death Note excitedly. “It’s like a little inside joke, y’know, cause of that one time? Do you remember-“

“You mean the time you offered to murder my friend for me?” Taylor raises an eyebrow accusingly.

Nicky goes stiff and his arm drops. “Um…yes…I suppose that is what I’m referring to…”

“Uh huh.” Taylor snatches the keychain from him and pockets it. “Well I’ll remind you even if you’re mom’s butler, I’ll be doing my own revenge murders, thanks.” He starts walking off.

Darn.

“Are you sureeee you don’t wanna do it? It’d make Taylor happy and he might be impressed~”

No, Nick. I am not doing that.

“Suit yourself loser.” Nick laughs and disappears, leaving Nicky defeated.

And, inevitably, Taylor gets himself into trouble. Nicky feels it with that weird sense he has before actually pinpointing it.

And of course, it’s by larping with someone who’s a little too serious.

“Didn’t expect to see you here, Taylor.”

“You’re the one who barely comes to cons, Hero.”

“Maybe it’s because I have a job and an actual life.”

“Heh. Jealous you don’t have the level of expertise I do, are you?”

“I learned to shoot a gun when I was five.”

She what- How long has it been since I spoke with Lark and Sparrow-

“Oh, do you want a fight?” Taylor unsheaths his sword cane. There’s a couple of ‘ooo’s from passersby, but none stop, they’ve seen it all before.

“If you mean a fight for honor, to the death, in which you die,” Hero unsheaths a sword of her own, “then absolutely.”

Nicky looks between them. Her sword is brimming with magical energy and I sense genuine murderous intent- what is their deal?!?!

Taylor just grins and gets into a fighting stance. She does the same, Nicky can tell immediately she’s aiming for his sword arm. They charge at each other.

A gunshot. I’m bleeding, I’m bleeding, it hurts so bad, why… My best friend just took my arm.

“No, stop!” Nicky steps in front of Taylor, taking hold of Hero’s blade. Taylor’s sword hits him in the back and he winces, but his focus is getting them out of this situation. “Please, whatever you have against him…don’t.”

“Hey what the hell?!” Taylor steps around to look at him with anger and surprise. “Seriously? You think just cause you’re ‘hERe tO pRoTEcT mE’ you can stop me from having fun with my friend-“

“We’re not friends!” Hero comments.

“Okay my enemy!” Taylor goes back to glaring daggers at Nicky. “But come on! Don’t be lame!”

Nicky looks at Taylor. “…I’m sorry, but, on behalf of your mother it’s a no.” He lets go of Hero’s sword and she puts it away with a scoff.

“Tch! Whatever! I hope you choke on the stupid fucking money she gives you to care about me!” Taylor starts stomping away.

“Taylor-“ That one really hurt… Nicky stands there, ashamed. I’m the worst dad in the world…

Nick reappears. “Nooooow..?”

Nicky considers it this time, and sighs. Okay, fine, now.

“Oh hell yeah this is gonna be so sick!!”

Nicky looks around to make sure the area is clear. And then…

A column of flame shoots up from where he’s standing. People step away, startled. Taylor turns around.

Nicky steps through the fire. He raises his arm, pointing a glowing hot katana at Hero. “Hero Oak Garcia. No one threatens my son without going through me. I, the Prince of Hell, challenge you, to a duel.”

The onlookers start muttering, confused. “Is this a show?” “What anime’s the ‘Prince of Hell’ from?? Sounds made up to me.” Nicky gets a little embarrassed but keeps his eyes on Hero.

She blinks, and laughs. “Oh this’ll be fun.” She redraws her sword, and Nicky can visibly see the magic now, weird purple energy coming from a stone inlaid in the center of the blade. Someone from the crowd shouts, “Ready, and, fight!”

As soon as Nicky’s blade makes contact with Hero’s he can tell he was correct. The magic isn’t just to be showy, and she swings to kill, just like Lark. Nicky has zero clue what her original intentions were with Taylor, but it’s certain that she’s pissed at him for interfering. Regardless, he has no intent to so much as scratch her and falls into a dance of defense with every movement.

That is, until she looks in Taylor’s direction. Nicky looks over quickly, falling for it, and she smacks him across the face with the blunt of her sword, knocking him over. The crowd cheers as she stands over him. “Wow, you really are just Taylor’s lame dad-“

She’s interrupted by her sword getting knocked from her hands. Taylor holds his sword cane to her throat. “Heh. Looks like I win this one, Oak.”

She makes a face at him and rolls her eyes. “Yeah, whatever. I’ve got better things to do than play with you. See you around, Swift.” She retrieves her sword and walks off.

Nicky’s ears ring briefly as he’s rubbing his cheek where she struck him, before Taylor’s hand comes into view. “I told you, didn’t I? I do my own revenge murders.”

Nicky smiles and accepts the help getting up. “Do you…wanna go get some ice cream?”

“Only if Mom’s pity money is buying.” Taylor starts running off. “Try to keep up, duel loser!”

Nicky laughs. “Hey!! Don’t forget I can do this!” In a single beat of his wings he shoots across the room, grabbing Taylor and flying right out the door.

“Gah!! Dad stop! Out of all the things you’ve done today this is definitely something people will get suspicious of.”

He called me Dad!! “I. Don’t. Care!!” Nicky holds onto Taylor tightly and does a flip in the air.

Taylor screams but it’s followed by laughter. “Geez, where’d the other guy go?” He admires the view as Nicky looks at him fondly. That’s exactly the way you laughed, when you were a tiny baby, and I used to take you flying…

Needless to say, he does plenty more flips and barrel rolls, just to hear that laugh again and again.

When they arrive at the shop, Taylor orders a strawberry ice cream in a chocolate covered cone, and Nicky gets himself mint chip in a cup, which Taylor makes fun of him for. “It’s just because I’m really afraid of dropping it, okay?” He admits, red in the face as Taylor laughs at him.

They walk out to sit on the curb. “Well cones are better, they’re like cups, but edible and delicious!” Taylor breaks a piece off his. “Here, try it and I know you’ll change your mind.”

“Okay, I guess i-“

His phone rings in his pocket. “Oh, sorry, one second.” He sets his ice cream down and takes it out.

His stomach drops.

It’s Glenn.

Nick immediately starts shouting at him. “Go on! Answer it! What’re you waiting for, dumbass!”

Nicky presses recieve and holds the phone to his ear, but immediately recoils at how loud everything on the other end is. ‘NICK!! I NEED YOU THE FUCK DOWN HERE! WE’RE HAVING ANOTHER WAR AND IT’S GETTING REAL BAD!’ Gunfire. Crashing. Shouting. ‘COME ON OPEN ONE OF YOUR PORTALS OR WHATEVER! QUICK!’

Nicky freezes. “I-“ He looks at Taylor, who looks away from him without comment. Nick keeps shouting, now trying to push his way into control. “Come on, you heard him! He needs me! Let me take this!”

“I…”

“…Nicky what are you doing? HE’S YOUR DAD HE NEEDS YOU RIGHT NOW LET ME-“

No! Nicky rips control of himself away. Mentally at least.

“I told you to stop calling me that.”

‘WHAT?! I CAN’T FUCKING HEAR YO-‘

Nicky hangs up, staring at the phone in silence. Taylor looks back at him. Nick’s anger gets so intense within him that it makes him physically shake. “…Are you fucking kidding me right now? I help you out with your son and this is how I’m repaid?! You can’t let me have anything for two fucking seconds!”

It’s not two seconds, it’s a day then a week then a month then it’s years! I’m not doing this anymore! I’m done! I’m done, okay?.. Nicky’s eyes tear up as he stares into his ice cream cup, remembering the last time he had a cone. He dropped it and Glenn laughed at him. He was 4.

“…Fine. Fine, try to do everything yourself. But you need me. You know that. You’re a terrible son and the lamest dad alive. Good fucking luck.”

Nick disappears. Nicky has a bite of his ice cream, trying and failing to ignore Taylor staring at him.

“…Dad issues?”

Nicky looks over, silent. He puts his ice cream down again and looks away again, ashamed.

Taylor smirks and goes back to eating his own. “Yeah, me too.” He puts his free hand over Nicky’s.

Nicky smiles a little and leans against him.

Taylor gets annoyed again. “Don’t push it.”

He stops. “Sorry.”

I WROTE A THING POST-S2 ENDING BYE

(tw: brief self-harm, severed limb mention, death mention)

“Fuck off.”

The words Taylor said to Nicky when it was all over. “You’re a loser. Go away. You’re not a part of this family.”

And those are the words Nicky hears in his head as he’s kneeling in the flaming pit of Hell, watching his mage hand cut off his remaining arm over, and over, and over again before it regrows no problem.

Another voice rings out, of a much younger child wishing to please his father. “Y’know what would fix this, man? Some weed, dawg. That always makes Dad feel better, right?”

It’s accompanied by a third, flat and perfectly consonated. “Have you no sense? That won’t solve anything. Listen to me instead, my Dad says-“

“BOTH OF YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP!!” Nicky slams the flat of the sword into his own head, hard. Enough to knock him over into the ashes of his discarded limbs, all parts of him, but broken and disconnected. The ringing in his ears drowns all the voices out, letting him think for a bit. Kind of.

He realizes at a certain point, lying with all these shattered pieces of the past he once was, that the ringing is no longer coming from his ears, but instead from his pocket. His phone. He pulls it out and clears his throat before answering, not even bothering to check who it is because 90 percent of the time it’s Glenn butt-dialing him. But instead of the drunken slurring and usual crashing sounds he’s expecting, he hears the voice of someone who knows him all too well.

“Hey…it’s Cass…” is all she says.

Nicky wants to cry and start rambling on about how good it is to hear her voice and how much he misses her but he chokes it down and just responds, “Hi Cass…it’s Nicky.” God she knows that you sound so dumb she’ll think you’re drunk and hang up!

“Can we just talk?”

She didn’t hang up. Nicky sits up, “yeah, we can talk…” He climbs out of the pit of severed arms to sit on the edge, looking down into it. “…what do you wanna talk about..?”

Cassandra sighs, watching through the window of her house as Taylor leaves for Norm’s house, where they’re having tapas to celebrate the win. She promised to join up with him, but… “I just… You never really told me why exactly you left. -I mean I kind of have a general idea. It’s not because you didn’t love me or Taylor, or anything like that. I know that… I guess, ‘for your safety,’ isn’t really a good enough answer for me. I think I have a right to know the full story.”

“Of course, yeah, of course you do… Well I… Uh,” Nicky doesn’t even really know where to begin. “Well… Long story short, I’m a tiefling from Hell- you know that-“ he has a brief flashback from their first meeting, swords flying, “yeah, and, the guys wanted to do the whole Code Purple thing on Hell, and I told them no, and Terry shot my arm off, and it didn’t come back ever-“

“Yeah, severed limbs don’t tend to,” Cassandra flexes the robotic hand she recently got calibrated.

“Yeah…”

“Okay, but that doesn’t answer the question.”

“Sorry, sorry, I’m getting there, I didn’t mean to end there- fuck I’m messing this up, I’m sorry-“

“Nicky.”

His voice cracks a little and he hates it, “yeah?..”

“It’s okay. Just slow down. Take some deep breaths.”

“Okay.”

“Do you need me to count?”

“No…”

She knows he’s lying. “Breathe in. One, two, three. Breathe out.”

She hears him exhale on the other side. “Good. Again.” They do this a few more times before she says, “now I’m assuming after that fight with your friends was when you came home.”

“Right…” Nicky remembers standing there in the doorway, Cass coming from the other room holding little Taylor, big grey eyes looking at him, oblivious to what was happening. “Not you, loser.”

“Why didn’t you stay?” Cassandra’s voice pulls him from his thoughts again.

“Why didn’t I stay,” he repeats to himself. Why didn’t I? Why didn’t I? I could’ve chosen to stay and protect them. I could’ve fought for us. I could’ve changed. So why didn’t I..?

…

“Because I didn’t want to be for you and Taylor, what my mom was, to my dad, and me…” Nicky only realizes what this means as he says it. “Cass, I- I was worried that there was a chance that I couldn’t protect you, that I’d die trying. And then I’d be gone and that’d be it- not that I’m scared of dying, I just- I saw firsthand what a death in the family can do, the rift it creates. I experienced it. What it did to me, and what it did to my dad. That is what made me who I am-“

Part of you, Nicholas’ voice says. Never whole, only part.

“Shut up, I’m talking,” Nicky hisses back, then panics, “oh god, Cass, sorry I didn’t mean you-“

“I know. It’s okay.” Nicky remembers with a wince the time he told her about the voices. “Please, continue.”

“…I’d rather that you have a deadbeat husband who was horrible and who left you than a good one who you miss. And I’d rather that you be angry at me than grieve the loss of a love-“

“But I did grieve over you!” She shouts suddenly, and it breaks Nicky’s heart how upset she sounds. “Every single day I did, for a long long time! Because you were my husband, and Taylor’s father, and I loved you more than anything! And every day I hoped you’d come back! And that’s your problem, you have no sense of your own worth! You think you’re worth more to me dead than alive?! Really? Are you fucking serious?!”

“Cass-“ Nicky can’t hold in the tears anymore, he holds the phone away from his head so she won’t hear him sob, only to pull it back to his ear as soon as he hears any sound from the other end.

“Nicky, I trusted you to come back. And you didn’t. But that’s not even what I’m upset at you for anymore, I’ve had plenty of time to be upset at you for that. The reason I yelled- which I’m sorry for- is because I am frustrated that even after all this time you’re still so focused on your hate for yourself and this whole complex you have about ‘always screwing things up,’ that you can’t pay attention to the things around you that would fix that. You know you can talk to me about anything, and in this case some communication about how you were feeling would’ve really been helpful-“

“But I didn’t know.”

“You would’ve figured it out a lot sooner.”

Nicky goes silent, he can’t argue with that.

“Listen, if you’re going to be a part of this family still, you need to start working on how you think about yourself.”

“What- what?” Nicky’s tail slaps the ground behind him repeatedly in surprise. “But Taylor said-“

“Taylor, well, you know how he is.”

“I kind of still don’t…” Nicky admits, defeated.

“Well, he’s not the kind of person to always say exactly what he means. He’s a little ‘delulu,’ as he likes to say.”

“‘Delulu’..?”

“It just means he’s in his own little world, an anime world. And I’m sure you know animes are..?”

“Very dramatic?”

“Yes. That’s Tay for you. Very dramatic. He gets it from me I think.”

“You’re not that dramatic.”

“Well I’m an actor, so, I certainly can be.” Cass laughs a bit, and Nicky’s glad she’s not there to see him melt at the sound. “My point is, he’ll come around, if you make an effort to change.”

“…And what about you?”

“Why do you think I called, dummy? We wouldn’t be having this conversation if I didn’t love you anymore.”

“Ah…that makes sense…How badly did I freak you out when I showed up at your door that one time?”

“Well I was startled considering you were banging on the window frantically, but if I’m being honest I almost let you in.”

Nicky laughs, “at least I’ve still got some rizz left.”

“It had nothing to do with rizz! I wanted to smack you!”

They continue talking about this or that, nothing all that important. But it’s thanks to Cassandra jamming her foot into the crack, that the slammed door does not stand completely closed.

#ty once again to my one fan #u know who you are <3 #i was able to write this thx to you and im really happy with it #dndads #nicky freeman #taylor swift dndads #cassandra swift #glenn close dndads #hero oak swallows garcia

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