#now its just a bunch of fucking nerds and idiots and cringe bitches

[claireredfield]

Insane rant here but i hate what resident evil has become i hate how its fans are bunch of 30 yr old blue haired they/them liberals who dont even appreciate the series or its characters for what it is. You all fucking suck i miss the old days where leon was called gay for his hairstyle and weskerfield was peak yaoi

[cheseyre]

good news, sluts! my brain's no longer being completely stupid (only mostly), i've seen the new asides and...have some thought-y thot thoughts:

*deep inhale*

Okay, first things first: this art style is soooo fucking cUTE and I'm a jealous, squealing bitch. Anyone who knows who the artist is, could you link me to them, stat? I think Thomas mentioned them at the beginning of the ep, but nYeh, brain hurt, doesn't wanna do wooork-

Okay, I'll admit, I was a little...apprehensive when I first saw the thumbnail and title. Part of it's just me being a bitter Remus Stan, but also...okay, deep breaths, controversial opinion time, get ready:

I don't ship Prinxiety.

Like, at all. 

I can see the appeal, and these dorks were so very, VERY cute in this particular ep, but I was honestly turned off by the ship long ago due to how overwhelmingly popular it is and how some fans characterize these two and treat this relationship as if it's the only valid one, y'know, the works—slight tangent, but that's also why I don't ship Logicality or Remile. I honestly vibe much better with ships like Roceit or Analogical, y'know?

Cutting in for another brief tangent: I'm surprisingly okay with Demus/Dukeceit/Receit/Trashnoodle/Whatever-Their-Ship-Name-Is-Oh-God-Why-Do-They-Have-So-Many-Fucking-Names; maybe it's cause they haven't actually interacted in canon and the fan content gives me such good Gay Disney Villain content, idk man im weird—).

Still, their interactions were both hilarious and sweet and like I said, I see the appeal, it's just not my cup of tea. y'all Prinxiety fans got fucking FED and I'm happy for you nerds. Enjoy ze happy boys!

I guess another factor in my...low-key hesitance when I first saw what the ep was about is that...okay, get ready, another controversial opinion, le gasp: well, I'm not a big Virgil fan. In fact, at times, he swaps places with Patton as my least favorite sides—especially with some of his recent behavior in eps like DWIT (the "prohibit your breathing comment" really triggered me, for example). Sometimes, his attitude, especially around other sides like Roman or Janus, reminds me a little too much of my sister, who I don't have...a very good relationship with. Add to that how the more...intense side of the fandom has a disturbing tendency to turn him into the 'uwu precious woobie emo baby who can do no wrong' while unnecessarily villainizing other CERTAIN sides in the process, and...I think you all see where I'm going with this little rant 😅

However, upon actually watching the ep, he wasn't...that bad? I don't think? I enjoyed watching him be a flustered, disaster-y mess and genuinely excited at the end, his interactions with Roman were nice enough, and him literally pushing Thomas to make a move with Nico despite his obvious panic attack was a nice moment of genuine character development. I like seeing that, that's the good shit right there. And him being all flustered and shit, and smiling so much at the end of the vid was just...well, adorable. This man has no fucking right to be this cute, my god

alsoooo 

pURPLE EYESHADOW

PURPLE EYESHADOW HE LOOKS?? SO GOOD?? WTF?? SLAY EMO, SLAAAAAAAY FUCK, DOES THIS MEAN I HAVE TO CHANGE MY HALLOWEEN COSTUME NOW?

alsoooo 

hAPPY ROMAN

YESSSSS~ MAH BOI MAH SON MAH DUMB BITCH HIMBO PRINCE MAH EXTRA MESSY CINNAMON ROLL

ITS  BEEN SO  LONG

AND HIS LITTLE HEART EYES THROUGHOUT THE VID, OH MY GOD-

IMMA JUST IGNORE THAT "ADDING [MISTAKE] TO THE LIST" COMMENT I AM LOOKING AWAY I DO NOT SEE IT LALALALALA

THOMATHY, SIR, YOU HAVE NO RIGHT MAKING THESE TWO GAY IDIOTS SO BAEBY

Okay, but Virgil not realizing that "cyberstalking in real life" is literally just stalking is both a big ass mood and further proof that, yes, Logan is indeed the only one holding the braincell out of this disaster of a lot. God help them all if he ducks out in the next ep.

👀

And Thomas x Trash Can is my new OTP.  I dub thee ✨ "Trashmas" ✨

we sTAN TRASHMAS

Wait, does that mean Remus actually WAS in the ep? Cause, y'know, trash man?

hmmm

👀 👀 

Okay, okay. 

With how much Virgil and Roman were going off about Thomas constantly lying, I was (understandably) a tad bit disappointed my snek son didn't even make a fucking cameo, but y'know what? In hindsight, I'm okay with this it's fineee~

He was just off playing with shadow puppets and stealing money from us desperate, content-starved peasants with his sheer extra-ness and, honestly? Gotta respect the hustle. 

Get that precious, precious coin, dapper snake! Wring us poor losers dryyyy!

*evil snek laugh*

Also, this is a breather ep and adding Janus in probably would've caused unnecessary drama with the Roceit breakup and the constant antagonism between Virgil and him. It probably would've distracted from the point of the ep (flirting with social anxiety, exactly what it says in the tin)—much like it wasn't really Virgil or Remus's place to show up during POF. Does that make sense? I think it makes sense. Sorry, brain going brr-

Still, I can't believe the "Fuck Janus Sanders" Club is actually canon now 😂

God, first Patton in a skirt and now this. 

Thomas Sanders, you delight in fucking feEDING this gremlin nest of a fanbase, don’t you? You RELISH our screams of joy and pain and suffering, dON’T YOU?

What's next, actual canonical Janus and Remus interaction? Patton saying the fuck word? The Dragon Witch comes back? Janus's bowler hat gains sentience and takes over the world, Doris-style? What do you have planned, Thomas? Joan? WHAT ART THOU PLANNING, I MUST KNOW YOU HEATHENS YOU FIENDS-

And Virgil's little "would it be fair to him" comment, tho.

👀

Like, I get in the context of the ep, he was likely talking about Nico and how it wouldn’t be good for a potential relationship with Tomas to be founded on lies, but still...my anxceit heart aches, man. 

Gimme that sweet, sweet angst with a side of mutual regret and possible future reconciliation and maybe something more wink wink nudge nudge on top, pls

...and fries.

Honestly, tho, that entire bathroom monologue was fucking beautiful, man. And relatable, too—i can't tell you how many times I've talked to myself in public restrooms because I just didn't know how to get the words I wanted to say out. It's...kind of embarrassing, tbh

Speaking of embarrassing, uh, crying stall guy.

Just...

Crying Stall Guy

Like, I was expecting someone to come out the bathroom stall after Thomas stopped talking, but...I honestly wasn't expecting that. God, that whole scene was so cringe worthy and fucking hilarious

Honestly, Thomas in the ep in general was a huge ass mOOD and we collective gay/bi disasters ALL related with him, and if you say you don't, you're either lying to yourself or a demon. 

There is no in between 

sorry I don't make the rules

Like, I get this series is literally a gay disaster talking to himself for thirty minutes or longer, but like- EMPHASIS on the 'disaster' part 😂

Like...Thomas, you're lucky you're such a goddamn bean, because GOD, I cringing so hard when he first started talking to Nico

Although, I too have apologized profusely for genuine mistakes and am a flustered bi mess around my crush sooo

😅

And god, Roman's "thirty = old man" jokes made me feel old...and I literally just turned twenty, like, come on, man!

Maybe that's because I was literally watching this ep after finishing my ACT and had been sitting with a bunch of high schoolers, with their tiny fucking desks and tiny fucking water fountains smeh

*clears throat*

Anyways, uh, we STAN Nico Pintrovert Florés in this house

Like

He gives me such big Carlos from WTNV vibes for some reason and this makes me sooo happy

and YESS, he's a WRITER

And he's??? So sweet?? A pure bean?? Just sits on his laptop at the mall food court all day, like a god-fucking iCON?? A Nightmare Before Christmas fan?? weARS GLASSES??

my hEART

*cries*

The fandom seems torn between "Nicomas" and "Karrot Kings" as a ship name atm—personally speaking, I'm casting my vote for the latter

*crosses fingers* please dont be another janus x remus multiple ship name issue guys, please please please I can't keep track of them all-

*clears throat*

On that note, I'm guess I'm gonna go try and whoo over my crush with carrots now. If THIS disaster can do it and make it actually fucking work, god damnit, so cAN I

Meanwhile, in hell, my brain's just screaming "CANON LOVE INTEREST CANON LOVE INTEREST CANON LOVE INTEREST-"

God, I hope Nico isn't just a one-shot character, he's too pure and Thomas and him are adorable gay Disney fans and I stan

Oh, I wonder how the other sides'll react to him.

Wait.

Oh god.

Oh god.

This ep just unleashed a new fresh hell of potential Nico x Sides ships, hasn't it?

Welp, time to prepare for ze incoming flood of fanfics, I guess. I'll get my umbrella and rain boots.

That last shot of Virgil during the endcard was so fucking ominous oh my god mom im scared can you come pick me up-

Goddammit, Thomas and Joan, I'm NOT fucking ready to be traumatized again, fUCK

I wish I wasn't a broke ass university student so I could contribute to Thomas's gloriously extra Patreon—both so I can support my favorite content creators who make this amazing blessed content and also, to join my boi Janus in fucking  destroying society by giving money to the people who actually deserve it, fuck YOU GOVERNMENT-

Okay. 

Okay. 

New headcanon time as to why Patton, Remus, and Logan weren't in the ep: they were helping Jan film that Patreon promotional video. 

Like

Remus directed it, Logan helped with the lighting and script, and Patton was just there as the cheerleader. 

The reason Janus made a dog with shadow puppets wasn't just to flaunt his deity status and prove how he is truly above us mere wretched mortals 

despite that being the absolute truth and we all know it, don't lie to yourselves

No, it was really him trying to do something cute and silly for Patton, because Moceit rights, daMMIT

*inhales*

noww 

guys, gals, and nonbinary pals

it’s time forr

the most wonderful time of the yearrr

WAITING FOR THE NEXT EPISODE

Step right up, folks! Hear ye, hear ye, my prediction for the next episode: Prinxiety v. Moceit! With special guest stars: Karrot Kings vibing in adorable gay and Intrulogical, bitter at being excluded aGAIN

Who will win? Who will lose? 

here’s a hint: we all will because in this sick twisted game they are no winners only losers-

Place your bets, folks! ✨

Haha im not readyyy~

tl;dr

this episode has cleared my skin, watered my crops, and ended my suffering—an adorable calm before the... angsty fucking shitstorm that’s coming far too soon. Prinxiety stans, enjoy your food. Place an 'F' in the chat for me and my fellow grieving Remus stans. Trashmas is the true OTP, but Karrot Kings is cute too I guess. I've only had Nico Florés for 24 minutes, but if anything happens to him, I'll kill everyone in this room and then myself. Purple eyeshadow Virgil makes me question my sexuality aGAIN, and happy gay disney prince rights y'all. Say a big ole 'fuck you' to capitalism by giving your local dapper snake moneys. Concussion makes brain go brr and imma go buy some carrots and be gay now.

psst hey @quarantinevibes2020​ you wanna join me in being disaster-y? i’ll bring my best gay stare and you bring the wine

Until next time, my lovelies! ~ Ches 🖤

[grays-library]

The Femanist

Chels couldn't keep away from Twitter thanks to the literal war that was going on about her and her fellow women online. She clicked on the photoshop window she had open on her second monitor. There was a picture of her -- marble white skin, short, dyed pink hair, skinny, heart-shaped face -- that she had added text to. She couldn't believe that in this day and age people still couldn't accept feminism. Which is exactly why I have to keep fighting these manbabies.

She typed a message into the textbox on the screen, probably too forcefully. She hated this stupid imageboard, with its "2edgy4me" attitude about every serious issue including, lately, her favorite writers and magazines. These nerds just don't understand why it was important to share stories of disempowered groups like women and minorities -- no matter the cost. They didn't get that no matter how good her life was, it would never outweigh the oppressive force of the patriarchal microaggressions that permeated the lives of her and every other woman.

Thank god Chels' father had hired a cybersecurity expert for her, that meant she could really show these idiots who is boss with no personal repercussions. She had come up with a brilliant "false flag" that she was sure the media would pick up on immediately. They all fought for social justice like she did. Well, the good ones at least.

"Fuck these stupid Vivian posts, you faggots", she typed into the text box, cringing at the f-word, "focus on the bitch who actually needs to be fucked."

Then she saved and attached her custom photo. It was the picture of her, with red text overlay reading, "Next on the hitlist: Chels La Marke, Social Justice Whore." No doubt her sisters in feminism would be monitoring the thread and screencap it immediately, send it to the "right" people. These Vivian threads were the worst. So perverted.

Chels tabbed back over to her twitter timeline. Only boring "goobergrapers" repeating the same old arguments. Objectivity, "ethics", etc.

"Bored now, fuck you", she typed.

Chels was proud of herself. She'd been personally responsible for creating a petition that got Bayonetta 2 removed from her local games stores, she'd actually made a few ex-"gowmbergrompers" check their privilege for once, and now she was going to successfully false-flag a bunch of shitgoblins into visiting and "dosing" her personal blog. Hellooooo Patreon money.

Chels sighed. Nothing left to do but wait. Her boyfriend was out distributing flyers for their bi-weekly Feminist Science Club meeting, not that he'd ever actually make a move on her anymore. It had been fun and arousing guilting him about every sexual urge he'd had, but he'd been completely domesticated lately, and, though she hated to admit it, she was bored of that. Sometimes she couldn't help but imagine being taken by a nice strong man. She couldn't help the patriarchy she had been socialized in, sometimes it slipped into her fantasies!

Chels found herself imagining some buff juicehead ignoring her preaching and whining, pushing her down on the bed, tearing her clothes off and fucking her tiny ass raw. She begged him to stay, to emotionally attach, but he never would. He ignored all of her commands, always returning when he needed to please himself with her. Like some kind of toy. This figure had invaded her fantasies as of late. It turned her on so damn much. Guilty pleasure, she figured.

She slipped her hand down her pants, revealing the Raised Feminist Fist tattoo she had tattooed above her...Cunt. That word, so filthy, always turned her on. She hated it, of course, but it was so powerful and so charged that it always worked for her. Cunt, cunt, cunt. She whispered it softly as she slipped her fingers down into her thin slit. She was still tender from her failed pube-dye experiment last week, but that almost added to the sensation of her sliding her fingers between her lower lips.

She imagined herself reluctantly letting go, letting the muscled man lift her small frame and slide his cock into her, stretching her more than her boyfriend(s) ever could. He pounded into her again and again, and she looked down to see her crotch throb with each thrust. She could imagine his hands on her back, his muscles flexing as he fucked her so hard.

Damn, I'm really getting into this, she thought, pushing the fantasy one step further, I'm really enjoying getting fucked by an "alpha".

She was soaking herself, and she laughed at a thought. My boyfriend really is a fucking beta isn't he? That only turned her on more. Her whole body was feeling warm and tingly. She could tell this orgasm was going to be astronomical. She flicked her finger across her clit rapidly, sending shocks of pleasure through her crotch and thighs. For some reason, her clit felt twice as hot and engorged as usual. Damn fantasies...

There was a ding from her laptop. A PM? What the fuck? She spun in her chair and, using her other hand, snagged the mouse and clicked on the twitter tab. Who the fuck is this? Some random Social Justice blogger she had followed back last week had sent her a PM.

"Nice try, Chels, I know it's you posting on chan", the message read, "you've been posting under the same I.D. across multiple threads you fucking retard, and your security sucks. If you haven't already noticed, I've devised something special for you, courtesy of my friends on the deep web. Hope you liked this actual sock account.

Chels' skin prickled. Who the fuck are you? Her hand hovered over the keys, but she couldn't think straight. She was still so turned on. Her head was hazy. She felt hot. A second message dinged through.

"Go check that Vivian thread you shitted up."

Instinctively, Chels tabbed over to the thread. Ten updates. All of them except one were denouncing her image. The last one was a hyper-realistic picture of Vivian fingering herself. The text next to it read, "Have fun looking like this girl for the rest of your life, Chels." For some reason, the image turned her on. Chels shook the thought from her mind, as best as she could.

It was then that she noticed the room was foggy. There was some kind of purple haze filling her vision. She tried to stand, but her legs were wobbly. She accidentally gasped, taking the purple smoke into her lungs.

"Oh gawd..." she moaned, as every erogenous zone on her body came alight with feeling.

Chels threw her head back, filling her lungs with the purple smoke. She caught a glimpse of her screen, which was glowing bright green. My computer...compromised? She could barely think.

A light pain shot through her spine, waking her enough to stumble to her feet. Her cunt was so wet for some reason. She looked down at herself. Something was definitely wrong. Her pants were tightening. She rushed to peel them off, but only succeeded in drunkenly stumbling as she hopped out of her pants. Hell, my shirt too? She took that off next.

Looking down again, she could have sworn her body was warping before her very eyes. Am I fucking high? Her legs were thickening, her feet, shrinking. She felt herself grow closer to the floor. Chels' eyes shot to the body mirror in the corner of the room, and she stumbled towards it. 

"My legs feel weird..."

Chels gawked at the image reflected in the mirror. She was inches shorter, she'd gained weight, and...spots...were spreading across her bared breasts. As she leaned in for a closer look, she realized they were freckles -- and that her once nearly flat breasts were pushing outwards and gaining weight. She watched in horror as her areolas lightened and expanded. An involuntary moan slipped from her lips as a wave of pleasure surged from her cunt.

She gripped the side of the mirror, clenching her eyes shut and moaning again. When she opened her eyes, she was horrified to see her hair lengthening and changing in color. Oh god. It's red. Oh my god what is this? She watched her breasts settle into their larger size and greater weight, her face round out ever so slightly, her belly get a little lazy pudge, her hips round out, and then it all clicked when her eyes changed. Green. Why are my eyes green! No, this is impossible!

Chels looked at herself again, gawking. Gone was the skinny, dyed-hair, pixie girl with marble skin. Instead, her body became that of a short, slightly pudgy, large breasted, red-head. Her eyes looked tired, and her expression, mildly annoyed. With horror, Chels realized that her tattoo had become a green-and-purple infinity. She had become a perfect model of a "girl who games", that GamerGate icon, Vivian James.

Chels screamed in horror, the voice that came forth completely alien to her. It was soft and a little raspy instead of the loud, nasally voice she had always known to be hers. Her hands shot to her face, touching to feel if it was real. As her fingers touched her cheeks, the finishing touches of her radical female transformation completed. Freckles dotted across her face, and reddish pubic hair appeared above her slightly chubby cunt. She gawked in terror and arousal.

Her cheeks were flushed red, and, somehow, she couldn't help but be turned on looking at her new body. Her mind filled with images of Vivian -- herself -- being fucked. She imagined her now large, heavy breasts bouncing with each thrust of her imaginary lover. His cock pushed into her reddened pussy, sliding against her enlarged clit.

Chels, still dizzy, fell onto her bed, unable to resist fingering herself. Frantically, she felt down between her new folds and quickly found her clit; it was indeed larger. She stared at her tattoo, turned on by the downright evil of it as her fingers flicked across her nub. Such a taboo image, on her flesh. Her breasts jiggled as she forcefully fingered herself, hoping to replicate the images flashing through her mind so rapidly.

She closed her eyes tight, picturing cum rising from the cock of her lover and splashing into her red pubes, across her infinity tattoo, and onto her thighs. She tried with whatever will remained to think of her actual boyfriend, but it just didn't turn her on at all. She came to the image of Vivian-Chels being fucked by a musclebound, masculine, hero trope. She came, convulsing and tightening around her fingers.

Falling to the floor in ecstasy, Chels glanced over at her computer. A red light was visible through the dissipating purple-and-green haze. The light of her webcam. They have it on video... Chels honestly tried to work up care, but, for some reason she couldn't. She was so satisfied. She hugged herself, shivered slightly in the last wave of orgasmic bliss, and went to stand.

Chels felt so relaxed. Even her expression felt chill. She walked over to her computer, smiled slightly, and sat down in the chair. She didn't even try to turn off the webcam. Something about not giving a shit felt nice. She bit her lip as a thought crossed her mind. A half-second later, she had propped her leg up on the armrest, giving the webcam a nice view of her red-haired pussy.I should be concerned, right?

Chels clicked out of twitter, opened up steam. Fuck it. I feel fucking fantastic. I'll just play a game and let this fucker enjoy the view. Unbeknownst to her, the video of Chels La Marke A.K.A. Vivian James was streaming live to her Social Justice blog. 

She woke up in a pool of her own sweat,looks around the the room and sighs

It was all a dream..a weird ass dream.

[leightaylorwrites]

Leigh Dissects YA Fiction: They All Fall Down (Chapters 9 - 12)

Chapter Nine

Levi certainly wasn’t grieving Olivia’s death…

Of course not. Why would he be grieving his ex-girlfriend? That would imply that he cares about anyone other than you and with this being a YA book, it’s unlikely that a romantic lead would be so complex. 

[...] his open varsity jacket making his shoulders look even broader.

A specific sport isn’t named. Does the author think all varsity athletes get the same jacket? There are emblems, symbols, and other things that are specific to certain sports. This is what happens when you base your YA book on your own nerdy high school experiences and don’t do basic research: you get things wrong.

“Why is everyone so certain Levi Sterling is going to jail?” I demand.

You can’t demand a question that has to be answered by multiple people when you’re only with one person. Also, didn’t you, like recently, say he might’ve been a murderer or rapist?

I nod sympathetically, supposing that’s a legit enough connection for a guy like Josh to shed a few tears.

Because for a masculine boy to cry, it has to be legitimized.

Was he kidding? Girls like Olivia and the rest of them on that list didn’t hang out with nerds like me. But guys don’t always know that.

Okay, even if we’re going with the ridiculous idea that people don’t have friends in different circles, the same would be true for boys. Geeky boys and jocks wouldn’t hang out. Why wouldn’t he know this?

“I missed you last night,” he says right into my ear, with a secret, sexy voice that should have every cell in my body jumping up and down.

You’ve spoken for a total of three minutes.

“I had…” Movie night with mom. “Something else to do.”

Why can’t she just tell him the truth? I get it’s geeky but it’s not like you were committing a crime.

A flicker of distaste crosses his expression as he conciders what could possibly have been more important than his game, and his gaze shifts in the direction where Levi had been. “Out with your parolee?”

Dora doesn’t tell him the truth about her whereabouts as a way for the author to throw in cheap tension. If she had a legit reason or given an explanation (like how I said spending time with her mom is ~geeky~), then it would’ve worked. Without that, this is just lazy writing.

“Good thing, ‘cause they're saying he was there and was having a deep and heated conversation with Olivia before she died.”

Did this book have an editor?

“Good thing you weren’t with him.”

He’s said good thing twice in the past quarter page. Either the author discovered a new phrase while writing this chapter, or someone stans NCT.

“Listen, I know it’s not going to be really fun under the circumstances and all, but a bunch of kids are getting together at my house tonight. Will you come?”

Y’all really about to have a party when someone just died. I get the popular kids are supposed to somewhat suck but there’s sucking then there’s being horrible people.

“We’re changing clothes, you freakazoid!”

Outdated reference is outdated. Most of this author’s demographic does not know that song. Has she ever spoken with an actual teenager? In this century?

“His parents passed away many years ago.”

Please be related to the cult I’m probably totally wrong about.

“I never got into the house but I’ve heard it’s amazing, with an indoor swimming pool and a ten-car garage adjacent to some of the prettiest parts of Nacht Woods.”

Good Lord. First, it annoys me when characters who are loaded go to public school with a bunch of people who are nowhere near as rich. School zoning doesn’t work like that, with only one megarich kid and everyone else being middle class. Second, why are we getting this awkward splooge from Generic BFF’s mom instead of having this description when Dora gets to the party later????? Why is this writing so bad? Where is the editor?

“The grandfather, who’s retired, of course, made a killing on Wall Street, as I understand it.”

What is this SENTENCE?! I suck at grammar and sentence structure and all those technical things but damn, I know I could do a better job at this editor who works for an actual publishing house.

“Really hit it huge in the go-go eighties.”

“Where’d they go-go?” Kayla asks, making everyone laugh.

Not me.

“It’s the idiots who can’t handle the peer pressure. But, okay, you girls use common sense.”

Fucking hell. If they’re pressured into drinking then they’re not idiots. That’s why it’s called PRESSURE. And why are we acting like people with common sense don’t drink? They’re not mutually exclusive.

“(...) I’d love to just sit around that table for house with a family that is so whole and happy. But I only have myself to blame for that.”

Shut your melodramatic ass up.

Chapter Ten

God save me.

(..) what feels like a half-mile-long driveway (...) At least fifty cars are in the drive and along the street.

Driveway. It’s called a driveway. You just used it in the last sentence.

She’s cute - and has to be freezing - but, really, nothing extraordinary to look at.

What a fucking bitch. Honestly, Dora, please die.

“We’re going into the woods.”

Yes, now it’s the point in the book where a Native American burial ground is invaded by drunk suburban white teens who literally have no respect for the land. This includes our protagonist. And if you’re thinking she’s going to mention how wrong and disrespectful this is, bring your expectations of this author down. No, further. FURTHER. Yes, that low.

“We’re at Meesha mound.” She leans closer and lowers her voice. “Indian burial ground, you know. Cool, huh?”

“Very.”

To be fair, Dora says her “very” is sarcasm but like?? Nothing is done or said about how horrible it is that they’re doing this. Or even the improper and offensive usage of “Indian.”

She misses my sarcasm and takes me down a dark path.

Obviously bad metaphor is obviously bad.

“I like Sisters of the List,” Kylie Leff says, leaning into Amanda. “We’ve been blood sisters since kindergarten.”

Can I return this book and get cult lesbians instead? Side note, if you want to watch something about a cult lesbian, AHS: Cult was AMAZING and its best season since Coven.

She holds up a single knuckle and Amanda meets it with one of her own in the most feminine and lackluster knuckle tap in history.

We get it. Fem = bad, hot fem = bad, weak fem = bad.

Why was Dora expecting some epic knuckle punch when Kylie only used one knuckle? Does she think she has super-strength?

It’s Candace Yardley, number ten, who up to this point has been virtually silent. Once again, I take a second to admire her dark good looks; she is runway perfect.

Why is this book so racist?!! Having the Asian character be silent until Dora is ready to comment on her ~dark good looks~?? And she has to be at the bottom of the list? What IS THIS?!

She smiles at her best friend.

How many times must we be reminded that Kylie and Amanda are gal pals, heteros, and that this book has no room for lesbians? Petition to save Kylie and Amanda from this hetero dumpster fire.

I take the vodka bottle and let a few drops touch my lips, the flavor like bitter grape cough medicine.

One, you can’t taste much with your lips. Two, that’s not what vodka tastes like.

“You bitches cray.” She sings the last word on a laugh. “But I need to get fried.”

Let’s play “spot the Token black character.” I think the usage of the word cray is a testament to how old this book is. Back when white authors thought it was fun to use cringe aave. You gon finna catch me is SHAKING.

“Thank god that chapter is over” - me after every chapter.

Chapter Eleven

“YOLO, baby girl. Which translates into ‘have some fun.’

Petition to have white authors never write black characters again.

I can smell beer, and the sound of rap is barely drowned out by loud boys and girls laughing. Really? On the night after the girl they all planned to vote for class president next year has died? They either don’t care or… they don’t understand death.

You fucking asshole, Dora. Some people have different coping methods. And, how would you know they don’t care or understand death? Do you think you’re the only person in your whole school who has lost someone?

They don’t know how permanent death is. But I do.

Earlier, we learned that Generic Good Boy is a fucking orphan. He lost BOTH parents. You lost ONE brother. Shut up.

“Like I said… YOLO.”

Stop. I’m begging.

“You know what I remember about you in middle school?” (...) “You were hydrogen in our Dress Like an Element Day in science.”

Listen, I like the fact that Dora and GGB have natural chemistry as characters whereas Dora and GBB are forced like hell. But could the author not think of a more interesting element? Why would GGB remember this in particular? Even if he thought Dora was cute, it would make sense for the element to be something less common and therefore more easy for the reader to see why it was so memorable.

“You’re the Latin expert.”

She’s a junior in high school.

“(...) he lives to meet pretty girls.” The way he says it makes me feel like I really am one of those pretty girls.

Because he just told you his grandfather likes pretty girls? An old man? That makes you feel pretty? Really? That?

“Wait--I want to kill her, er, say hi.”

Ignoring this horrible attempt at humor, Dora is upset with her friend for drinking at a party. I’ll point you to Dora’s weird grape cough medicine vodka from her cult meeting in the woods.

“I play on two travel teams--hey, Ryan--and lots of these kids are from all over this side of the state.”

They came all the way out here for one party? Are there no parties in their own neighborhoods?

“Kenzie.” The older man nods in approval. “Of course.” Flashing an easy, wide smile, he looks down--way down--at me. Instantly, I can see where Josh gets his gifts--his height, the build, the sort of raw masculinity mixed with charm that rolls off him. That’s hereditary, I suppose.

I just threw up.

This man is at least sixty, given that his grandson is a high school junior. And Dora just spent a paragraph lowkey lusting after him. I haven’t witnessed something so grossly uncomfortable since Throne of Trash the series we don’t acknowledge.

“You were absolutely correct, Josh. She is a refreshing change.”

Get it? Because she’s not like those other girls.

“You’ve taught me everything, Josh says, a respectful note in his voice. “Including how to pick quality girls.”

Women aren’t avocados.

He pats my hand and shifts in his seat. “Let’s change the subject. I understand you’re on that list that does nothing but objectify lovely teenage girls.”

You can’t call out the list for objectifying them when 1) you’ve done that since you met Dora, 2) you act like a fucking pedophile while you’re touching her, and 3) you follow up the fact that the list is objectifying the girls by calling the girls “lovely.”

“But his legacy lives on, right back in Nacht Woods.” He angles his head toward the back of the house. “He’s buried there, too.”

So not only has this author disrespected Native Americans with using their burial ground for horror aesthetic reasons, but she’s also allowed a white character to be buried there.

“Not him, per se,(...) but the things that mattered to him. I made a place to honor him.”

I know we need exposition but it makes no sense here. They’ve spent half a page talking about this dead dude, rather than the scholarship Dora wants.

“How do I apply?”

“No application necessary, dear. You just have to finish the ropes course Jarvis built in Nacht Woods (...) You look fairly athletic.”

Oh my god. How many ways can this author metaphorically shit on this burial ground?

“Quit hittin’ on my chick, Rex.”

Dora’s next thought is her freaking out about Josh calling her his girl, which okay, I get. But… shouldn’t she be a tad bit concerned about this creepy pedo man who just offered her a scholarship as long as she completes The Hunger Games?

“She’s a total brainiac (...) I think that’s hot.”

“Quite,” his grandfather agrees.

I’M NOT MAKING THIS SHIT UP

Chapter Twelve

I haven’t had anything to drink since my one sip of grape vodka, but Molly’s borderline tipsy(.)

We’ve got clarification that her vodka was grape flavored (ew) but what the hell is “borderline tipsy”??? Either she’s tipsy or she’s sober. Tipsy is the full in between of sober and drunk.

“But the weirdest thing of all was the texts disappeared about ten minutes after I got it. I can’t find it in my deleted texts, nothing.”

SHE TRIED TO SEARCH DELETED TEXTS AND WAS SURPRISED WHEN SHE COULDN’T FIND ANYTHING ASHJLDFASHLJL

(...) ready for dark looks from my list sisters(...)

We’re really using this name?

But I won’t tell these girls that. They’re wack.

I love 2001 slang.

Also, you guys don’t know how hard it is for me to not make a Malibu’s Most Wanted reference right now.

Having to post all my notes/opinions means I’m having to read over some of the book again and if you can believe it, these are considered the good chapters compared to what comes later.

Using my irritation as free entertainment? Enjoy my writing as free entertainment, too. I’ve got a freebie book called Epic here.