#now i have to lose all this weight and teach myself how to eat properly and reverse all of this damn damage

[halcyonmachines]

dude it's so crazy how pervasive the "fat liberation" movement has become in progressive spaces. i'm so glad i got to overcome it and deconstruct the rhetoric i was presented with for yearssssssssssssssssss. because it was literally fueling and normalizing my disordered eating in a way i can only imagine would be eerily similar to proana shit if my issues landed on the opposite side of that spectrum

[satrs]

Can’t feel my face - bllk x fem!Reader N°8

warnings: mention of sex.

"Well where are you two coming from just now?"

Oliver stated in a teasing manner, looking at you and Shidou stepping out of the elevator. "Had fun?"

Shidou nodded eagerly, a joyful smile implanted on his features. You only huffed out a small laugh, questioning the man where Sae is.

"Oliverrr! Come on, let's gooo", the girl who wrapped herself around his neck whined, causing the man to click his tongue.

"Seems you also had your fun", shidou stated, earning a questionable look from Oliver.

"Not in the slightest. As you can tell." The heavy weight on his neck soon disappeared after his words, causing him to sigh out at the relief, hand reaching up to ease the tension.

But the relief didn't last for long, when a sharp pain rushed through Oliver, imprint of the woman's hand visible on his cheek in a red tone, "Ouch."

"Asshole!", the woman spat, huffing out a mass of air before sprinting off, Oliver not sparing her another glance.

Shidou snickered at the scene that just unfolded before him, tapping the young man on the shoulder, "Couldn't be me, bro. Show my pretty girl where the boy genius is, alright? I gotta head home, I'm trashed.", he stated, leaning down to plant a soft kiss onto your forehead.

"Today's the best day of my life, honest. Let's meet up sometime, hmm?" you giggled at his action, agreeing before heading off with the raven haired male.

"You're a terrible playboy, you know that?", you teased the man, earning a low chuckle from him in return.

"And you're a homie hopper, huh?", he shot back, attacking you.

"A certified at that", you responded. "What's up with Sae's nickname anyway?",

"Just what it sounds like, princess. He's a damn genius. He has not even once stepped a foot into the ring and knows more about boxing than anyone 'round here."

You raised an eyebrow at that, surprised by the fact that Sae had a name to him too. The boy genius? Didn't sound as bad as the other ones, to be honest.

"And what's yours? Playboy of the ring?", you asked, causing the man to turn around and snicker at your teasing. You really couldn't irritate him, huh? Always smiling or laughing at teasing comments, what the hell is up with him?

"I wish, but no. They called me the final wall. Cuz' no one ever managed to get past me." You looked at him, interested and hoping to hear more. "But I'm not boxing no more."

This made you even more curious, "Why not?"

"Cuz' of that damn Mikage. You know how normally the bet's money or other valuable things? Well, Reo sure as hell needs no damn money anyway, so he thinks of creative shit." Oliver explained.

"So, when I was up against that spoiled brat Nagi, he made a bet. A big one at that. He said, that if I won, I would become the official owner of Blue lock, that also included all the business and money it made and all that stuff. No one would say no to sum' big chunks."

You nodded in agreement, waiting for him to continue. "But if I were to lose, I would have to stop boxing. Forever. Well, you can tell what happened from then. I was a damn dumbass. I underestimated that brat, and overestimated myself."

You felt sorry for him. It must feel awful to be robbed of the thing that you loved so much- if not lived for.

"But it's alright. I can still be on the ring, just not literally. I train Barou and teach him all the stuff I know. I never thought watching from afar would be so fun."

"You should teach him how to properly talk to people. He's damn disrespectful." A grin creeped its way to Oliver's lips at that, leaning down to your level, whispering into your ear, "but I did a good job at teaching him how to eat pussy, huh?"

Goosebumps rose all over your body from his answer, embarrassed but also aroused by the feeling of his breath hot in your neck.

„There you are. I went looking for you almost everywhere.“ Thank god. You didn’t know what else to do after Oliver's comment, relieved to see Sae.

You were quick to move to him, causing Oliver to look after your figure, chuckling at your state.

Likewise, you were such a tease yourself but couldn’t handle a little bit of his? Cliché.

How would you react to him teasing you differently than words? He was dying out of curiosity.

But he would save you up for later, not here around the other men, eyes fixated on you.

He still didn’t know how and when to do it, but the time will come. Most definitely.

„You got my keys? I’m tired and still got work tomorrow.“

Sae nodded at that, a bit sad at the fact that he barely got to spend any time with you here.

He handed you the keys, and you bid him goodbye and went out on your merry way.

„Wait up pretty. Could you spare me a ride? I got here with Shidou, and he’s gone now sooo“, Oliver mentioned, earning an amused huff from the woman.

“Sooo you can walk home I guess.” You walked out of the building, heading to your car.

„C‘mon! Y/nnnn, I really do need a ride, I’m not foulin‘ you pretty!“ He sounded desperate.

He could’ve easily asked Sae or even Barou, but where would the fun be in that?

“Alright, move your ass.” You let out a defeated sigh, stomping your way to the driver’s seat, banging the door closed.

He let out a small laugh, quickly moving to the passenger’s seat.

You'll be a fun one, that's for sure.

"So, where should I drop you off?", you inquired after starting the engine, driving off.

It was silent for a while, causing you to quickly glance at him, urging him to answer.

"At your place."

You were quick to harshly step on the breaks in the middle of the road, looking at him shocked.

This caused the man to erupt in loud laughter, "I was just playin' pretty girl. Also, you're hellaaa lucky no one's on the road right now."

"What the fuck, Aiku?" You were irritated and annoyed that you were so foolish. Of course, he would want to fuck, what else would a guy like him want when he's asking you to drive him home.

"Damn, no more 'Oli'? I'm hurt." What the hell? What is wrong with this man?

"Are you stoned or something? What makes you think I would want to fuck-" "I never said anything about fuck, did I?", his tone was more serious, leaning his head against the window while looking at you intensely.

Damn does eyes, you thought. It was impossible to escape from his gaze once he captured you in it, his different colored eyes too interesting to not look at, observe.

"Then what the hell do you want? Look, I'm tired, and I need to go to work tomorrow-" He broke through your words, interrupting you.

"I wanna get to know you, Y/N." Yes, he must've had one or two lines, because there is no way he would think that you buy that weak ass cover up lie.

You just looked at him, flabbergasted by his behavior. Suddenly, a loud honk came from the back, causing you to snap back to the road, quickly starting your engine to drive.

"I'll drop you off at the subway. Look how you get home, I don't care."

"I'm serious, you know?", you huffed, eyebrows knitting in annoyance, keeping your eyes firmly on the road, because you knew if you looked at him, you would straight up drive to your home.

"Look, I was supposed to crash at that girl's crib earlier, but she just wanted to get dicked down. And I'm definitely not in the mood for that right now."

You stayed silent, but still listening to him. So he has nowhere to live? Why?

"I'm kinda short on money since that shit with Reo and Nagi happened." He admitted honestly, earning your sympathy with each word that left his lips.

"I just need somewhere to stay. A few days at max. I'll get my wage by that time and search for a prominent job to-"

"Shut it." he thought he would have to sleep on the streets tonight at the sound of your voice, but as he saw you turn the other way, away from the subway, a wave of relief washed over him.

He felt embarrassed to ask you, but did he really have a choice? Sae defiantly wouldn't take him, seeing him as a weight on the ankle. And Barou? He wouldn't hear the end of it. Shidou? Out of question.

Reo or Nagi? Hell nah.

Suddenly he was silent, a bit too silent for your liking. Where are his snarky comments? His teasing? He was turning shy on you now?

He interrupted your thoughts with his next words, causing you to take a quick look at him at the honest sound of his voice, "Thank you. Really."

Your lips formed into a thin line, he had a hard time, you could tell. Your gaze went back onto the road, "No biggie."



"Sooo", you began, careful to utter your thoughts out loud. You didn't have a guest room, only a rarely spacious couch for the matter.

"I'm no one to state extra wishes. I'll sleep anywhere, couch is fine." he shrugged, rubbing his neck nervously.

You hummed, standing in front of him for a minute or two, before making your way into your bedroom.

"There is another toothbrush in the shelf under the sink. I also got a big shirt if you want."

He breathed out a small laugh at your care, "All good, pretty."

You nodded at his answer, "I'll get going. Good night." "Night. Take a good rest."

You threw yourself on the bed after you changed into your sleeping wear, going for just a pair of panties and a simple undershirt, given the rather high temperatures at night currently.

What is even happening right now?

You never had this much action in your life. Two good fucks in one night? Possibly going on a date with the richest man soon? And one sexy ass guy in your living room right now?

This must be a dream.

Your thoughts got interrupted by a knock on your door, animating you to stand up and open it.

There stood Oliver before you, only in his black sweatpants hanging low, showcasing his boxers and V-line.

„Uhmm, I wanted to ask if I could shower? And could I get a towel, if it’s not a bother.“

You forcefully tried to get your eyes up to his face, as if they were glued to his incredibly well-trained body.

„Uhm sure, yes. Yes wait of course.“ you muttered in a nervous manner, causing the man to feel a bit worried.

„You alright pretty? I can also just go I don’t necessarily need to-„

„NO! Uhhh no, no. I mean yes I fine hah, why wouldn’t I be?“

His eyebrow raised in question as you sprinted to grab a towel for him from your closet, quickly handing it to him, avoiding his gaze.

„Thanks. For everything.“ he told you, earning a small nervous smile from you.

„I-it’s fine. Goodnight.“ you quickly closed the door in his face, leaning against the door while letting out a small huff.

Oliver's eyes widened in surprise, but quickly shrugging it off and making his way into the shower.

You on the other hand were trying your best to contain yourself. Why the hell did he wear no shirt? Was he trying to flatter you? Fuck, this was too much.

You didn’t want to make him feel uncomfortable or anything, since he clearly stated earlier that he wasn’t in the mood for any sexual activities.

But fuck, he looked so delicious in only his pants, his trained body made you want to just jump on him and-

Y/N. Go to fucking sleep.

As Oliver felt the warm water fall over his raven locks and down his body, he couldn’t get the image of you out of his head, no matter how hard he tried to do so.

Your nipples were perfectly outlined in your thin undershirt, areola and rest of your tits a bit visible, leaving just a little bit for the mind to imagine.

And your panties, those damn panties. Why would you do that to him? Couldn’t you put on pants or at least some shorts?

Actually, never mind. He was happy with what he got to see, but being bricked up in the shower of the woman he told and promised not to have any sexual intentions on the mind with did not help him right now.

He placed his arm on the shower wall, leaning his forehead against it while looking down at his erected length.

You wouldn’t come in right now, right? He could just keep quiet and-

“Fuck.”



ᵃˡˡ ᶜᵒⁿᵗᵉⁿᵗ ᵇᵉˡᵒⁿᵍˢ ᵗᵒ k-azus.°

Hihihi^^ Who do you like most so far?

[unseededtoast]

Rectify | Bucky Barnes

Part 13/37 | Part Twelve, Part Fourteen

Summary: I've lived every day for the past five years looking over my shoulder. I knew they'd come for me, it was inevitable. I was foolish to think I could outrun my past. It's followed me everywhere I go, lurking in the shadows, waiting for the perfect moment to strike. Never would I have anticipated that the shadows would lead me to the light.

Bucky Barnes x OC

Series Warnings: Discussion of human trafficking, alcohol consumption, graphic depictions of violence, sexual content, discussion of suicidal thoughts.

a/n: Hi everyone, thank you for checking this out, I appreciate any and all support! This series is also posted on Ao3 and Wattpad if you prefer those formats/platforms! This is a completed series, and it's going to take some time for me to transfer it to Tumblr, so please bear with me!

"I want to undo the programming. I can't jeopardize my position here by getting too involved, I won't risk losing you again."

Sunlight wakes me up and I squint my eyes as I sit on the edge of the bed, preparing myself for whatever the day may hold. Hopefully it's less messy than yesterday. My feet hit the cold floor and I go to look in the dresser across the room, under the tv. I find there are different sized shirts and pants in the drawers. I rummage around until I find some black joggers and a dark green long sleeved shirt. I grab the new outfit and take it with me to the en suite.

Thankfully the en suite is stocked with fresh toiletries. I can't say how old the supplies in the bunker were, though I'm willing to bet it was all over ten years old. There's a fresh toothbrush, shampoo and conditioner, along with several other things. I set the clothes down on the counter and take a hot shower, scrubbing away the grime I couldn't get rid of in the bunker. Once I'm out I dry my hair and braid it off to the side before I put my clothes on. I pair my new outfit with the Shield issued boots I got and leave my room to see what I can find for breakfast.

I step out of the elevator and see everyone gathered around the counter, eating from a stack of pancakes that's by the stove. I catch Bucky's eye quickly and avert my gaze. I'll probably have to deal with this today, just not right now. I take a plate with two pancakes and sit next to Natasha. Tony's in the middle of saying something,

"Bruce says he wants some time alone to relax, the whole thing got to him pretty bad." I catch the end of everything he was saying. I hope Bruce is okay, I miss him.

One by one everyone finishes breakfast and walks away until it's only Steve, Bucky, and myself. Feeling like the silence needs to be ended, I decide to ask Steve his version of what happened over the last few days.

"Well, some of them got away, but we got most of them. It's hard saying how long they were infiltrating Shield." Steve answers simply. His answer matches the one Natasha gave me yesterday.

"So this whole situation got me thinking a little bit and I was wondering if you could teach me how to fight? Hitting people with lamps is starting to become a pattern for me and I don't want to get too reliant on them." I ask Steve who looks surprised.

"Uh yeah, sure." I smile at his answer. Bucky frowns a little bit, but stays silent. Steve and I walk out into the yard and I wait for his instruction. I don't know the first thing about fighting, I hope Steve doesn't mind starting from scratch.

He shows me how to stand and how to shift my weight when I land a punch. For him this must be comparable to showing a child how to ride a bike with the training wheels on. I get the hang of throwing punches relatively quickly and Steve starts showing me how to properly kick.

"Now try it all together." Steve says as he backs away from me. Steve is going extremely easy on me, never throwing a real punch or kick, which I am entirely grateful for; I'd probably die if he punched me. I take a quick breath and try to hype myself up before I start going after Steve. I throw a punch to hit his jaw, which he blocks, then shift my weight to land a kick on his torso, which he also blocks.

"I look really stupid right now, don't I?" I ask Steve as I finish putting everything together that he's taught me so far. He shakes his head,

"You're starting out a lot better than I did." I smile a little at the fact Steve is being patient with me and turn to do it all again. I see Bucky watching us off to the side and catch his gaze for a few moments. His blue eyes hold a certain sadness in them, one I haven't seen before. I look away and start the drill over again. I feel guilty for avoiding him, but I don't know what to say just yet.

Steve and I work for the majority of the day until I feel my muscles begin to ache. I stand across from Steve who looks like he's not even a little bit tired, which he probably isn't. I think he might be able to do this all day. I put my hands on my hips and take a deep breath.

"Can we pick this up tomorrow? My non-super soldier body is getting a little tired." I say, slightly envious of Steve's endurance and ability to keep going.

"Of course. You did good today, don't sell yourself short. Every single one of us here started somewhere." He says as he walks back into Stark's building. Bucky is still sitting at the edge of the grass, and I know I've stalled as long as I possibly can. I sit next to Bucky, nervousness taking over me. A few days ago this would've been a nice evening to spend together. I don't know where to start, there are so many things I want to say.

"I missed you." I want to start the conversation by showing him I care about him a lot. It won't be easy explaining to him why yesterday morning can never repeat itself, no matter how much I want for it to.

"I missed you too." He says quietly.

"Did Steve ask you about yesterday?" I ask, wanting to know what he said to Steve and if our stories aligned with one another.

"I told him I offered to share the bed because the couch was hurting you." He answers, still staring off and not looking towards me.

"I told him the same thing." I say, feeling only a little bit guilty for not giving him the whole truth.

"If he wouldn't have walked in would you have kissed me?" He directly asks, this time looking at me. I know the time has come to set the boundary but I don't want to do it. I sigh,

"Bucky, I want to help you. I want to help you through the process of getting your memories back, and I want to undo the programming. I can't jeopardize my position here by getting too involved, I won't risk losing you again. Even if that means putting personal feelings on the backburner." I avoid his question and the words are hard to say. I wish I didn't have to say them. He stays silent for a few moments, processing everything I said.

"You won't lose me again, and I won't lose you." I want to reach over and comfort him, but doing so would only make things harder.

"I can't take that risk. You mean too much to me and I still have so much work to do." I explain. We're still going to be in each other's lives, that's part of the job description. We just can't get intimately involved and I hope he sees it the same way. Without another word, Bucky gets up and leaves me outside alone. Perfect.

I stay outside, taking in the cool evening air. I hope that in a few days this blows over and things go back to normal. Bucky and I can forget that yesterday morning ever happened and continue like we were before. I can't exactly put my finger on what I feel for Bucky. I know I deeply care for him and have since our Hydra days, I just can't explain why he made me blush in the bunker, why I was so nervous to share a bed with him, and why I would've let him kiss me.

The image of us dancing in the Shield compound comes to mind, and I remember how warm I felt sharing that moment together. I've only ever known the Winter Soldier, I'm just now meeting Bucky for the first time and I feel drawn to him. In the Shield compound we spent hours together as he explained what he remembered and I would tell him small bits and pieces about what happened to me after I escaped. He's the only one who truly understands my trauma from Hydra, we're able to empathize with each other in a way nobody else can.

Not only are we able to connect on an emotional level, I'd be lying if I said I didn't find him attractive. His blue eyes are captivating and full of life, life I have never seen in him before. He's gentle, I remember how carefully he held my hand when we danced, how delicate he was when he rubbed my back. I love his long brown hair, how it blows softly in the breeze and the stubble that adorns his jawline. His jaw is sharp, but has a softness to it that makes him all the more inviting.

I push the thoughts away and stand from my spot to make my way inside, walking past those who are having dinner and heading straight to my room. I feel a little bit empty on the inside, knowing I can't spend the evening with Bucky watching tv or talking about something random. Besides Steve, he's the only other person I've created a meaningful bond with, and I fear that the bond has been damaged.

My room is too quiet for my liking, but fits right in with the way I'm feeling. I go to take a quick shower to wash off the sweat from today's lessons and put on some light cotton shorts and a t-shirt. I make my way over to the mini bar and find a bottle of vodka, this should be enough to drown out the sadness for a little while. I tip the bottle back and feel the burning sensation travel down my throat.

I sit on the couch, bottle in hand, and look out the window. I tip the bottle back again, and again, and again. I feel my lips become numb, along with my fingertips. I don't know why I'm getting so worked up about the situation, Bucky is still in my life, he's still going to be around. However, I think that just having him around will never be enough, I'll never be fully satisfied but I'll have to make it be enough.

I finish half the bottle and decide that's probably a good stopping point. I know I need to eat something and most people are probably in bed right now, so it should be safe to sneak downstairs. I tiptoe down the hall, being overly-cautious of making sure my steps are straight and that I'm walking in a straight line. I get in the elevator and step off at the ground floor. Tony is sitting behind the wet bar and looks up when he hears the elevator ding.

I stand frozen in place, knowing I am far too inebriated to have any sort of conversation with him. I see him smirk and he walks over to me,

"Looks like we had the same idea." He sits me down at the counter where the stove is and places a plate in front of me. It's leftover Chinese takeout that the others had earlier. I dig into the noodles as Tony watches me.

"You're not a spy. Natasha showed me the video." He says and I scrunch my eyebrows together,

"What video?" I ask, words slightly running together.

"This one." Tony flips his phone around to show me the screen. I see security camera footage of Steve and I helping Bucky into the plane. I swallow the bite of noodles in my mouth and look back at Tony once the video ends.

"He's heavier than you think." I smirk to myself. Tony walks over to the bar and makes some sort of mixed drink. He pours it into two glasses and hands one to me. I clink the glass with his and down the fruity mix, not feeling the burning tequila.

Tony and I stay in a comfortable silence, each of us dealing with our own reason for getting drunk. I'm happy he finally sees me for who I am now, and not just a supposed Hydra spy. I get up from the uncomfortable counter stool and lay on the couch that's situated in the middle of the room. I use a throw pillow to support my head and curl up on the couch, closing my eyes and feeling the room spin slightly. I feel a blanket being tossed over me, and give into the sleep that's calling my name.

[juleswolverton-hyde]

Not by the Moon | 04

Genre: Smut, Romance, Strangers to Lovers, Drama, Tragedy, Werewolf AU, Supernatural AU, Bookshop AU

Pairing: Bookshop keeper!/Werewolf!JB x Reader

Warnings: A sprinkle of jealous werewolf!Jaebeom and poor yet adorable attempts at coming across as human.

Summary: Every story has a purpose or goal it is dedicated to, their authors at times going to great lengths to see the project they once started to completion. Nevertheless, the things the writers swore on to see their latest art piece to completion are static.

Unchanging.

None of them swore by the Moon nor Love because they can solely genuinely swear on all that changes like themselves.

And yet, a wolf in love foolishly swore by the moon.

That is when Time truly started ticking.

Author’s Note: This chapter is from Y/N’s POV.

Previous Chapter / Next chapter

Masterlist

There are a lot of extraordinary people in the world, but you often don’t find them remarkable until you happen to stumble upon  and talk to them. The wolfish man holding tightly onto my hand, his arm draped across my shoulders, as we swagger over the pavement to his home above Paper Souls is such a curious person.

The good hour he dozed off hasn’t helped his sickly state. Even though he was nestled comfortably against me, occasionally a pained delirious whine fell from his panting lips as his features turned into a grimace. Upon waking, Jaebeom tried to dismiss his symptoms as nothing to worry about, but I insisted on getting him home as soon as possible.

“I’m sorry I ruined our outing,” he murmurs, voice strained. As we ascend the stairs to his apartment, he keeps his head bent low to focus on his steps.

Step by step. One foot before the other. There you go.

“It’s not your fault you got sick,” I reply, keeping a close eye on his movements to offer additional support if needed.

He turns his head to me, a few long black locks partially concealing the sweat on his brow. For a moment, it seems as if he wants to protest yet decides against it. Henceforth, what I get in reply is a hum resigning in the notion it’s indeed not his fault.

Is your condition causing this?

The question burns hot on the tongue, but I swallow it down. Hopefully, we’ll get to talk about it properly sometime in the future. 

The day we know each other.

We make it to the top, albeit not effortlessly since I have to steady him when he almost trips on the last step. Panic and instinct rush through me when Jaebeom threatens to topple over, so I act quickly and shoulder more of his weight after clumsily steadying us both on the narrow staircase. 

“Are you going to be alright?” I ask, out of breath. The adrenaline of the potential danger has spent whatever energy I had, the muscles in my limbs melted.

“I will be,” he weakly answers. 

I gently let his arm glide from my shoulders, the removal of the weight simultaneously a relief and a missed presence. The attempt at letting him stand on his own feet is successful, although his hand shakes as he unlocks the front door.

The feverish fingers glide from the doorknob to entwine with mine once more before his tongue runs over my lips again. Despite this being the third time it happens, it still doesn’t fail to bewilder me nor bring a boyish smirk to his face when I look at him, speechless.

“Thanks. Today nice. I-,” he starts up and averts his gaze to the side, a rosy flush on his cheeks, “I mean, today was nice.”

I put my hand on the side of his face, gently compelling him to look at me. A cheeky idea rises in my mind, tempting me to go against my very nature.

Which I do.

Standing on the tips of my toes, I close my eyes and give him a peck on the cheek. The action surprises us both because he looks utterly gobsmacked when I have gathered very piece and sliver of the courage needed to look up at him.

However, before I can utter a word, a hesitating hand reaches out to carefully brush against my cheek, the touch as light as the fall of a feather on porcelain. The gentleness of the contact forms a funny contrast to the roughness when he firmly presses his lips on mine the second after.

Musk mingled with the musty perfume of books, warmth of spices and bitter coffee with a hint of fresh cologne fills my nose and overtakes the senses. My brain short-circuits, filled with a strange primal instinct no one has ever awakened before. Notwithstanding, something in the way our bodies harmonize in the small yet passionate contact triggers it, leaving me wanting more.

Skin on skin.

Just us.

But it’s too early and we barely know each other. This isn’t right. Not now, at least.

Hence is why I pull away, taking a step back with the imprint of his moustache ticklish on my lips. 

A whimper like an abandoned puppy erupts from his throat as he chases after my mouth. Nevertheless, when I take a step back to avoid further contact, he gives up and lowers his head. However, as rapidly as disappointment had overtaken him, he rights himself and clears his throat. When he speaks up, the words come out in a mumbled mess. “I- I’m sorry. That was too direct.”

“No, it’s fine,” I reassure him, vaguely gesturing with one hand while I rub the back of my neck with the other. “I- I liked it, but let’s not- Do you... really see me that way?”

“In what way?” he asks, blinking as he gives me a blank look. But, the meaning dawns on him after a moment in which I badly try to articulate what I mean. 

He grabs my right wrist, the one he bit, and holds it up for me to see. The broken skin has already healed a bit, but it’s still sensitive and throbbing, especially now that JB puts pressure on it. “I didn’t do this out of some de- del- confused?”

“Delirious?” I help him, wondering what point he is about to try and convince me of. 

“Delirious! I didn’t do this out of a delirious frenzy. This means something to me. Something important. To me, this is us.” JB takes in a deep breath to steady himself, his voice strained as he seems to hold something in. “What I want for us. And I want others to know this because you’re my territory.”

“I’m just a friend.”

And scared of losing you to Love.

“You are, but you’re also more to me. I know you said you want to take things slow and I agree with that.’’ His expression softens, dark eyes filled with tender affection. ‘’However, I want you to know how I really feel about you.”

“I don’t want to risk our friendship.”

“Me too. Yet,” he closes the distance and cups my face, his thumbs lovingly brushing my cheeks, “you deserve to know my intentions. Know I want to take the risk when you’re ready to do so too.”

“Thank you.” I run my hands over his arms, his body heat warming my palms through the fabric of the sleeves. It’s a pleasant thought, knowing he is there to catch me should my knees give out. Which is likely to happen as the leftover tension from our trip upstairs fades and affection fills the heart. 

“For what?”

“Waiting.”

Until I figure out when it’s the right time.

He nips at the tip of my nose, his tongue cheeky in its feather light touch. “I always will. Do you have any plans tomorrow?”

“I’m going out for tea with a friend.” The delight in his expression sours as it did in the park, the confident playfulness replaced by a vicious brooding. The autumn chill cools my face, the warmth and safety of his hands fallen away. 

Turned to stone by the suppressed vehemence, I stumble over my words as I swiftly explain myself. “She is an old friend I met at university. We go out for tea or coffee often, especially before I have to go on a trip.”

“Ah, I see.” He hangs his head in remorse, but perks up immediately as if remembering something. “I got you something. Wait here.”

He rushes inside, coming back soon after with two books in his hands which he holds out to me. A collection of Keats’s poems and Songs of Innocence and Experience by William Blake.

The books I read when we met.

“For you,” JB happily announces, the bright proud ring in his voice distorting it to sound like a bark. “So you have something to read when you’re away.”

 “Thank you so much. That’s so sweet of you.” I accept the gift, showing my gratitude in the brush over his fingers as I take the books from his hands. “I should get you something in return.”

“Just send me a reminder to take my medication every day.” He tucks a strand of hair behind my ear. “That’s all I want.”

I nod. “I can do that.”

“And a text you arrived home safely.”

“Of course.”

“And let me pick you up from the airport when you come back.”

“My, do you have any other demands?”

Lips pursed as if seriously considering the rhetorical remark, Jaebeom tilts his head to the side. “Well, eating together again would be nice. Maybe we can go around town and try out various cafés and go bookshop hopping? I could also cook for you at least once a week, though I’ll have to ask Jinyoung to teach me.”

Oh my God, he really is serious.

Before he continues adding to the evidently growing list, I cut him off. “Okay, okay, I hear you. One thing at a time, alright?”

“Right,” he chuckles, “one thing at a time.”

“I’m gonna go.” With a heavy heart full of reluctance, I initiate our goodbyes. “Go to bed and get some rest before your fever worsens. I’ll text you tomorrow.”

“Can I have one more kiss?”

“Of course.”

I stand on the tip of my toes and tenderly press my lips against his. “Goodnight, Jaebeom.”

“Goodnight, Y/N.”

I ascend the stairs, but do not head home immediately. Instead, I remain where I stand and turn around to wave at the wolfish man gazing down at me.

One more moment with him.

Before I set off on the homebound journey in the next.

Above, the moon is waning.

Yesterday evening, Morgan sent pictures of the place she has chosen for our next tea adventure, lyrical about the interior. Since the moment we met, in our first year of studying journalism at the local university, we have been visiting coffee shops and tea rooms around the country and occasionally written an article about them for the university’s blog. Our adventures always begin the same, never having changed in the six years we have known each other.

A picture.

And a rant about aesthetics, reviews, and the potential of having discovered a hidden gem.

The latter might be the case of Moon Bunny Coffee and Tea, a tea room inspired by the French countryside. The far wall is made of bare brick, which forms a strangely yet nice contrast to the white wooden furniture and neatly set tables. From the speakers in the corners of the establishment, instrumental pieces and French songs alternate each other to enhance the atmosphere that makes one feel as if they are truly in France. And if the interior does nothing for the imagination, the pastries and beverage names noted in French on the menu will do the trick. 

It’s only recently opened and is run by a young couple. Élise, the owner, has opened this establishment after working in various patisseries in Paris during her teenage years. However, she has now settled here with who I actually presume rather than know is her partner. According to the context Morgan sent, the tall guy with pale blond hair, oval narrow face and a leather necklace with a strange bauble - that seems to change colour - hanging from it is called Mark. The level of familiarity between the two as they work makes it easy to assume there is more than friendship, hence the suspected relation between the two.

“So, have you seen him again?” Morgan takes a sip of her cinnamon and apple tea, a smirk on her cherry red lips.

I told her about Jaebeom and the strange first encounter with him. Regardless of the weird amiability that grew between us as the hours passed in each other’s company, I could not help but remain wary. After all, the bookseller has a particular reputation thanks to the rumours created by the local gossip mill. In hindsight, it’s idiotic I used those groundless stories in my analysis or, rather, overanalysis of the kindness he showed me. Yet, I did, though they sound as absurd as they did before now that I know him better.

Notwithstanding, whereas I was losing my sanity anxious bit by anxious bit as I told her about it over the phone, Morgan’s enthusiasm grew at the same rate. Each argument in favour of the concern about my strangeness or far-fetched theory he was merely polite, she countered with a more realistic view on the situation. In the end, it’s also her input which led to me dropping by Paper Souls on the way to work and back on a daily basis.

And I’m glad she’s part of the reason I did because I might otherwise have given up after the third day of seeing the bookshelves cast in shadows. 

“I have,” I admit, unable to suppress a smile at the memory of our outing to the park.

And what came after.

The memory of the chafing of his moustache triggers a phantom of the loving warmth of his lips on mine. Cheeks heat up, remembering the roughness of his sturdy hands. A sharp sting followed by a throbbing treks through my wrist again, the half-healed wound suffering from a pleasant phantom pain.  

“Judging by that grin of yours, you’re not telling me everything.” Morgan cuts her scone in half and smears some of the homemade strawberry jam it comes with on one half, followed by a dollop of clotted cream. 

I nibble on the rice cake filled with red bean paste. Maybe it’s not a perfect partner to the tea I chose although it makes for a delicious combination regardless. The taste of red beans is an acquired one, but the subtle sweetness evens out the bitterness of the beverage. “We went on somewhat of a date.”

“Somewhat?”

“It kind of just happened.” The whiskey tea I ordered is stronger than I thought, howbeit not in an unpleasant way. Like the real drink, it goes down smoothly and warms the body from within. “He offered to go out for lunch in the park and I agreed. It was nice. Really nice.”

Especially his body heat, the safety of his presence. How protected I felt despite not knowing him all that well.

“And?”

“And?” I repeat like a parrot. I know what she’s unconsciously aiming at, but that doesn’t necessarily mean I’ll tell her outright. It’s always fun to tease the raven-haired woman a little. 

“Details, lass!” 

“We kissed,” I say, the confession hardly louder than a whisper. ‘’And I was the one to initiate it.’’

“How scandalous.” In fake shock, she clasps her hand over her mouth. “You’re a bold one, Y/N.”

“Oh, stop it.” I take a sip of tea and point at the other half of her scone. “Clotted cream with jam instead of the other way around now?”

As a fierce defender of both sides of the old discussion, Morgan indeed now smears the fluffy white cream on the other half first before she tops it off with the jam. “You really like him, don’t you?”

“I do, but I’m not sure if there’s a future for us.” I lean back, cross my arms and look out the window. 

A little distance away, there’s a metal bench and somehow an image of myself sits on it, alone. No wonder she looks glum because she is the me of the future, a woman who’s heart was devoted to the type of love that is, like humans, a plaything of Time.  

She tilts her head to the side, brow furrowed. “How do you mean?”

“It’s not my place to say this, but,’’ I turn back to her, absent-mindedly rubbing the mark on my wrist, ‘’he told me he has this condition that’s kinda like dementia, but he gave off the impression it’s also not. I don’t know what’s going on, only that there’s a deadline. A cruel one, and while I know avoiding it is futile, I’m not ready to face it nor will I ever be.”

The confusion on her face lightens to understanding concern. However, despite her features softening, there remains a hint of brooding in her attitude. “I see. It’s like that,” she murmurs cryptically as she takes a bite of her scone, more to herself than as a reply to me. “The story is repeating itself.”

“Morgan,” the mention of her name makes the raven-haired woman snap out of her reverie, “what do you mean?”

Instead of providing a proper answer, she dismisses the questions with a vague gesture. “Just the murmurs of an old soul.”

There is inherent beauty in the medieval cities of Europe that leaves one in awe wherever they go. Furthermore, the shops specialized in local goods and hidden gems add to the flair of narrow streets enclosed by tall buildings that breathe history. Nevertheless, regardless of the ancient beauty, there is nothing which can compete with a warm bed at the end of a day full of running from one end of the town to the other in search of the best chocolatiers.

Well, there is one thing.

As I’m putting on my pyjamas, my phone gives off a light buzz, indicating a new message. 

Jaebeom: Can we video call? I miss your face. 

You... You miss seeing me?

In spite of the unease of not having makeup on, I oblige and call him first. It has not even gone over once before messy black locks show up on screen. However, before he can have a good look at me, I quickly slink beneath the blanket.

“What’re you doing?” He, too, is in bed howbeit without any insecurity whatsoever. In fact, he is more than comfortable wearing not even a top regardless of the chilly weather, leaving defined collarbones and defined chest muscles on display. 

“I’m not wearing makeup, so I look horrible.”

And you showing up like this doesn’t help either.

Because the bare skin, little as it is, unleashes a storm of butterflies in the stomach. The temperature in the room rises or maybe it is simply my body reacting to the aching to run my fingertips over his definitions, the features that unintentionally unleash an absurd frenzy holding the middle between unashamed love and lust. The cheeks heat up as the need for the thick comforter decreases yet the growing discomfort is not enough to come out of hiding. 

“I’m sure you don’t.” Either intentionally or not, he puts on irresistible puppy eyes. The well-meant tenderness in his voice also stirs something in me, charmed by the kindness. “Please don’t hide. I want to see you.”

Although reluctant, I lower the sheets. 

Only to want to pull them over my head at his words and the stupidly bright smile accompanying them. “You’re even prettier like this.”

“Shut up, you weird wolf,” I grumble, jaw clenched as I strain myself not to hide again. To distract us both, I change the topic. “Did you take your meds?”

“I did! And I mean it. No, no, no! Get out from under there. Y/N, come on. I’m not lying. You are pretty. And caring and nice and-’’

“You’re handsome.” I glare at him, peeking just over the edge of the sheet. Unfortunately, my revenge isn’t successful since it merely yields a low chuckle.

Though it seems the victory is still mine because he bites on his bottom lip and softens his voice further to a timid whisper. “Even with my new look?” 

He shows off the mess of his shorter black locks, which are shaved on the side and longer on top. It’s a shame to see the long hair go because I personally think it suits him better, but he pulls the cooler style off too.

“Even more so because of it.” Although they’re essentially minor changes, it casts Jaebeom in a whole other light. He’s still a wolfish man, and I doubt I’ll ever see him as something else, but the new look gives him a more human allure. As if he’s tuned in better to life in the city instead of wandering the rough landscape in his mind. 

“I’ll tell Jinyoung he did a good job, then.” He gets up on his elbow, a view of the upper part of his chest filling the small screen. The veins in his hand form mellow ridges on the back of it, highlighting a few patches where the skin has scraped off, as he fluffs his pillow before lying down again and snuggling into it to get comfortable. “How’s Bruges?”

“It’s a really pretty city. I think you’d like it.” A wistful smile forms on my lips, in part dazed by the entrancing sight a moment ago. “I wish you were here. Wish we could get lost forever... together! I mean, get lost together. Here. In the city.”

“Are you getting sleepy?” His features soften into a dreamy expression though a cheeky spark illuminates the night sky in his eyes. 

“No,” I fiercely protest. That is, until an involuntary yawn escapes me, which makes it impossible to hide the fatigue of running about town the entire day anymore. “Maybe.”

“Go to sleep, Y/N.”

“Don’t want to. We’ve only been talking for a few minutes.” I conceal another yawn by pulling up the comforter.

“You likely have another busy day ahead. So go hit the hay and I’ll talk to you in my dream.”

“Who says I won’t do the same?’’ I remark smugly, proud of the comment that pops up and is too tempting not to make. ‘’Wouldn’t that make it our dream?”

“We’ll talk in our dream,” he corrects himself, a content hum following the correction. Notwithstanding, the delight darkens into a stern seriousness as he tries to look over my shoulder to scan the room, to inspect every nook and cranny instead of what’s on display in the background. “By the way, what’s your colleague doing? Are you alone?”

I roll my eyes and sigh. “He has his own room because he tends to want more of the local taste, if you know what I mean.”

“I don’t.” A deeply puzzled expression forms on his face, clearing the spine-chilling suspicion. “Is that code for something?”

“An affair, JB. My colleague more often than not enjoys a one-night stand, if not more, with local girls. It depends on how long we’re away.”

“Have you ever done that?” It has to be the exhaustion, but the question strangely sounds like a whine.  

“Never. In fact, you...” I bite my lip as my stomach ties itself into a nauseating knot, chest constricted with bleak worry about what he will say about the confession balancing precariously on the tip of the tongue. However, I swallow hard and continue the unfinished sentence. “You’re the first guy I’ve dated.”

“We’re dating?”

“Are we?” His question makes me wonder if we actually are, if I didn’t jump to a fantastical conclusion. Then again, we kissed, went out together, and drank coffee in his shop. Nevertheless, also judging by the curiosity in his response, I doubt it’s right for me to assume it’s true. “Well, maybe we aren’t. After all, we’ve only been to the park, so I suppose-’’

I’m wrong, because we barely know each other and yet. Yet, I kissed him. And he kissed me back. Is that anything to go by, a valid reason?

“We’re dating!” The sudden outburst catches me as much off-guard as the enthusiastic addition or, rather, plan for when I return. “I’ll cook for you after bringing you home. Afterwards, we can just sit on the couch and read. You can also nap on me to cure your jet lag. Does that count as a date?”

“I don’t know if it does according to the official terms, but,” the fatigue ebbs away, replaced by the giddiness of going home as soon as possible, “it does to me.”

“Two dates,” he murmurs thoughtfully, nodding as if confirming an unspoken notion. “We’re dating.”

Weirdo.

I watch him analyze the situation, overcome with affection. When he bites down on his index finger to suppress a broad grin, I almost have to do the same. 

“I wish I was there with you,” Jaebeom eventually notes to break the twilight hush, at last content on where we stand. The yearning of the wish is tangible in my bones because I feel the same way, though I try not to show it. “I should’ve given you a shirt or something, but I wasn’t sure if it would be good. That’s not the word. Ap... ap... appropropiate? Appropriate. If it would be that.”

“I do have the books you gave me, so I do have a piece of you here.”

But I do miss your scent. Wait, that’s weird to say. I shouldn’t say that.

Though it’s indeed strange and I don’t tell him, it isn’t a lie. Jaebeom does smell nice, like a wild forest in which the air is scented by a cologne that barely conceals its secret. The ferocious guardian in the shadows. 

 “Still, I wish I had given you something that marks you as mine.” Gaze downcast, the big wolf man pouts at the thought, sulking. 

“You have.” I hold up my wrist, the place where he bit me now nothing but a red blotch.

“It’s almost gone. I should renew that once you’re back. A shirt and bite. That should show other males we’re together,” he muses, the disappointment gone in an instant as his focus changes.

“Totally not possessive, are we?”

“I’m not,” he grumbles. “Just marking my territory.”

“JB, you are.”

“Does it bother you, make you upset?”

“Yes and no.” I take in a shaky breath, distracted by the thought of the implications I want him to be. After all, something about the feral allure melts any resistance and lets me slip into a headspace I didn’t know I had. 

Somewhere, deeply hidden in the brain, there’s a different woman, a different ego. A part of me which wants and needs him. That doesn’t mind being his possession.

His mate. 

“Don’t get me wrong-’’

“How can I get you good?”

The unintentional play on words uttered by urgent yet confused puppy eyes distracts me from the splendid explanation I wanted to give him.

How... How does he do it? Does he even know what he’s doing? Never mind.

“Don’t misunderstand me,” I begin anew, “I appreciate your concern for me and I really do feel safe with you. But you bit me. In public too! I get it’s your way of telling me you like me and maybe I don’t actually mind the mark you left behind so much-’’

“So it’s not the biting?” A boyish smirk plays on his lips. Had he had an actual tail, it would have been swishing heavily with a dangerous cheer. “I can do it again?”

“No.”

Maybe someday I’ll let you. But not anytime soon.

“But you said you didn’t mind my mark. If that isn’t a problem, why can’t I refresh it?”

“Jaebeom, please, let me finish talking.”

“Sorry.”

“Thank you.” I take in a deep breath. “Now, normal human couples don’t bite each other to let others and one another know they belong together. So let’s try to find other ways to do just that. Commonly, the girl wears the guy’s shirt. I think that’s a good starting point for us.”

“What are other ‘ways’?” he asks, evidently not too keen on the idea.

I tilt my head, trying to come up with the most frequent ways in which people casually express being taken without immediately suggesting obvious physical marks. “Necklaces, bracelets and rings are common couple items. Some even go as far as getting matching tattoos.”

“I like the sound of that, a tattoo. Permanent. Permanent human mark.”

“Let me think about that one, okay?”

“Okay.” He nods in agreement. “But, if I understand you correctly, I can give you a shirt.”

“You can.”

“And you’ll wear it because it has my scent on it.”

“That’s kind of the idea behind it,” I confirm, glad he understands the underlying meaning despite not explaining it.

He looks down at his chest only to discover he’s not wearing anything. The glance over his shoulder falls on a black shirt somewhere behind him. He turns away, grabs the piece of clothing and holds it tightly against his body when he turns back to me. “Sounds good to me.”

I guess I’ll be given a ‘welcome home’ present.

[hazard-queen]

Hi, I like your headcannons on the characters. If it's okay, may I request Riddle, Azul, Jade and Malleus with a femreader who always gets bullied (cause she's magicless and made supervisor)and nearly physically assaulted her only because she's the only female in the school. You don't have to do it if ever and that's okay.Have a coffee so please stay healthy and stay safe. (First time asking and feeling nervous)

Ah dear don't be nervous, feel free to request at any time ^^

Ok i will try my best to stay healthy tho *takes coffee and start drinking it* thank you for the coffee ~♡

Have a good day and take care~♡

P.s : if anyone facing something like bullying i kindly ask you to talk to me about it ,I listen and do my best to help anyone who's having such a trouble

All my love~♡

Riddle rosehearts

• Tears were running down your cheeks as you were running the halls to go to your room, not wanting to talk to anyone or see anyone...but of course it was seen by your dorm leader who followed you.

• "(Y/n)!.....(y/n) stop!" Riddle ran behind you as once you heard him you began to run faster till you reached your room and slammed the door into riddle's face, he didn't know what's wrong but he truly wants to, he stood in front of your door knocking softly.

• "(Y/n), can you please open the door?" Yes he got upset cause you slammed the door in his face but he calmed himself, he noticed that you changed from before, not cheerful or even smile anymore, he begged you to open the door as he could hear your cries getting louder.

• "What have i done to them?"

• He heard your words cut by crying and sobbing , he frowned on hearing you, he wanted to be there for you.

• "(Y/n)...my dear, can you please on the door? I'm here for you,please let me in" riddle said softly as he waited for you, you slowly opened the door, he saw your swollen eyes and tears are still forming in your eyes.

• "They bully me, they say horrible things about me, i never harmed anyone so why do they do this to me?" Your voice cracked at the end of your words, riddle took you into his embrace allowing you to cry your heart out patting on your head.

• "You say they bully you huh?" You heard riddle speaking so serious as you rised your face to meet with his.

• "Yes"

• "Names.....i want names!"

• You told riddle the names of those students who are bullying you, he was smiling to you and you didn't know if that an innocent or an evil smile, he placed a small kiss on your forehead before speaking again, "don't you ever worry about this, I'm here for you....and don't bother thinking about them anymore! Now take a good rest and do your homework!"

• Riddle encouraged you to go on and do not let any of those to annoy you....the weirdest thing that they never appeared in your direction again! You went to ask riddle about this and let's say you began to smile again.

• "Oh them? As i said, don't bother thinking about them anymore! Any one that dares to bully any part of my dorm especially you it will be off with their head!"

Azul ashengrotto

• Azul noticed some changes on you recently, you used to join him or the twin in lunch and eat with them what is like more than ten plates yet your visit to the lounge is always welcomed.

• But it has been so long time since you joined them or even seen you eating properly, you began to seem....thiner? It's not like you joined pomefoire or something ,have you?

• He began to get worried but he became more worried when he invited you for a meal with him but you turned it down and left immediately! He talked this to the twin and decided to do a little trick to drag you to the restaurant in the lounge!

• You ran your way to octavinelle when you heard that azul is not doing well, you let the twin to guide you to where he is, you found him taking a seat on a table and pointing to your seat, you looked at him questioning, he looks fine!

• "Erm...azul...you're ok, aren't you?"

• "Yes my darling, am i asking for alot by making you join me in meal?" Azul asked with a closed eye smile as you took the seat in front of him, he took the menu and talked to you, " so! What do you want to eat? Oh don't worry, it's on me!" You looked at azul quietly then shook your head, " thank you, I'm not hungry"

• Azul ignored what you said and ordered two plates which made you upset, "azul, I'm sorry i don't want to eat this!" You frowned to him, " you don't want to eat this or you can't....(y/n)....are you dieting??"

• You kept quiet for a moment before you smile, "yes....i guess i need to lose weight", your words semt normal but your face said it all, "(y/n)....why are you dieting?"

• You told him about those who bully you about how you look and this all brings back memories to azul, tears began to fall from your eays as you spoke, azul reached his hand and tangled his fingers with yours looking you into eyes , "no matter how you look, i will always love you"

• Next day you heard that called for you, going there to the lounge, your eyes widened as you saw the guys who were bullying you on one of the tables, you turned to walk away to find azul behind you with a closed eyes smile, "so, dear i have a surprise for you!" Then he took you to the table of the group you hated, they looked at you then theu began to whispere to each other and laugh, you wanted to leave but azul held you back, " so, i investigated and i knew everything! And i wanted to give you something!" And azul spoke plates were put on the table! And by plates we can mention what is not less than a hunderd plate of food! It looked delicious yet scary! Why would azul do this?

• "Eh....we won't eat all of this! We're leaving!" One of the students stood to leave only for floyd to push him back and jade staning on the way!

• "Now! You're not leaving this place before finishing all those plates with no lefts!" Azul smirked as he saw the horror expression on their face as the twin blocked any way out!

• "But azul! They will get a hart attack this way!"

• "Exactly!"

Jade leech

• You were running from them, they bully you almost every single day, you're a girl and weak and have nothing in hand to do, you didn't even look ib front of you while running as you suddenly hit someone and fell to your back.

• "Oh my! Are you ok miss?" Jade bent to offer you his hand, you looked at him in a shock, your eyes were full of tears as you helped yourself standing, "what's wrong?" He looked at you worried only for you to look back fast like if there's someone chasing you then you ran away without saying a word to the male standing there!

• Jade was deep on though about you and why you were like that, could it be that someone is hurting you? He decided he was going to ask you next day about that

• Next day jade got shocked to see you, you were limping! He rushed for you all worried asking you if there's something wrong with you but you shook your head saying it was just an accident, he knew it wasn't, ~sigh you left me no choice~

• "Ow!" Jade squeezed his eyes shut as if something got in it, "what's wrong?" You looked at him worried as he bent down to your level , " sorry but it seems something got in my left eye, can you please check it?" You innocently nodded as he opened his eyes to you....

• "Shock the heart"

• Now he can inquire you for the truth behind your weird actions, " now tell me...what happened to your feet?" Jade asked you and you answered immediately, "they pushed me from stairs" jade frowned on hearing your words , " they?" He knew it, some students were bullying you, you told him everything and at the end of your words you cried.

• "Do you need my help?" Jade asked while he already know the answer, "yes, please" you nodded

• Next day you had totally no idea by the conversation you had with jade or what have you told him, you saw these bad guys again and as they saw you they walked towards you, you wanted to run but you couldn't do that anymore since your feet is hurt.

• "Now now! Since you're here...how about a flying lesson?" One of the students spoke evily as others started laughing, suddenly two tall figures appeared behind you made them start to retreat scared.

• "My my! Floyd, it seems that there are some naughty students who needs to learn a lesson here aren't they?" You turned back to see jade standing behind you along with Floyd and they were wearing scary expressions on their face.

• "Yes~ but what lesson do you want us to teach them?

• "Hmmmm....how about a running lesson?" The smirk on jade's face was from ear to ear as he began to laugh evily of how he was going to punish them for mistreating you.

• "Hai hai~"

Malleus draconia

• He heard crying sound, it was from a person who almost had ran out of breathe from crying, he followed it to see you sitting on one of the corners all alone, he reached his hand to your shoulder from behind, you gasped turning back to see the tall man behind you.

• You took some far steps from him, let's say he feel sad whenever people run away from him but he's used, "what happened to your arm?" His eyes landed on the bruise on your arm that you covered at an instant.

• "Non of your business..." you moved to walk away only for his hand to take a string grib on your arm, "let me go!" You struggled to free your hand but there's no way you can escape malleus' grib, he strated revealing the rest of your arm only to see more bruises and scars on it, "who did this?"

• ".........they stole my locket, malleus...it's a gift from my mother and it's the only thing i have from my world, there's a picture of me and my family on it" you creid as you couldn't handle this anymore.

• " they do this to me cause I'm magicless and i can't defend myself, i had nothing to do but to beg them to return it....malleus please return it to me" you looked at him with a teary eye then you threw yourself into his chest.

• "Don't cry! If they are bullying you cause you are magicless then i have a great solution for you!"

• You walked towards those guys all nervous and all but wearing a serious expression on your face, " return me my locket!" You spoke loud enough more like if sebek was speaking, they began to laugh and one of them got your locket out in his hand, "oh you mean this?" , you walked towards him to snatch it but he moved his hand fast away from you, "give that to me!"

• "Make me!"

• You remember his words, you slowly rised your hand to the air and that's when suddenly these students began to float in the air!

• " w what?"

• They were floating in the air and some of them were hitting the others..it was so fun watching them like that!

• "P please...but us down!"

• "Give me my necklace first!"

• And they did as you said giving it back to you...and that's when they all fell to the ground and began to ran away...

• You ran towards malleus hugging him as he was hiding behind a wall...it was his magic after all you know!

• "How about i invite you to eat something together?"

• "Is it an invitation? Then deal"

[chrysalispen]

xxviii. dulce et decorum est

AO3 Link HERE from here on out the chapters are... probably gonna be pretty long XD 

===

“Just one more…”

Aurelia wedged the bucket carefully beneath the wide throat of the hand-pump and scratched yet again at the cloth on her head. Sweat trickled steadily into the rough fabric as she worked, making it increasingly uncomfortable to wear as the day wore on. It was another hot, still day, the only sounds to be heard coming from birds and a chorus of cicadas, and if Vahne hadn’t been dogging her heels for the last two days as she helped care for the Wolndaras’ mysterious friend, she’d have risked removing it just to get some cool air.

But she didn’t dare do that. Too easy for a stray breeze to ruffle her fringe and reveal her third eye, and while Vahne might not care, she doubted she could say the same for the girl’s guardian.

Resolved to see this task completed at the very least, she turned back to the heavy curved iron handle. While it was a blessing that there was a large underground water source -- one Rhaya had said had kept them through the Calamity while so many others succumbed to flux -- it was certainly far less convenient than drawing from the river or using a water crystal.

“Miss Aurelia! Is the bucket full yet?”

“One moment!”

This time Aurelia threw her weight against it with a low, soft grunt. The handle moved perhaps a quarter ilm the first time, and the second time she was rewarded with the gushing babble of cool water spilling into the bucket. She eased off the handle and continued to pump until the bucket was filled, then lifted it back into its locked position and headed for the clotheslines she and Vahne had raised behind the house. The bucket thumped against her leg as she wove between the wet sheets freshly hung upon the washlines.

She rolled up her sleeves and dumped the fresh water into the spare washtub, ignoring Vahne’s lifted brows at her obvious clumsiness, and pulled up the washboard once more. The soap kept slipping from her fingers, and Aurelia cursed as the skin was grazed from her knuckles for the umpteenth time that morning. Shaking off the water and sucking on them gingerly, she noticed the girl was watching her with a mixture of amusement and confusion.

“You aren’t using it the right way,” Vahne said after a moment.

“What?”

“It’s going to take forever if you keep handling the linens that way. Here, let me show you.” All business, the girl came trotting over the grass towards her and took the cloth and soap from her hands. “You have to push down and scrub. Like that. See? Really get the soap into the cloth. Else it won’t wash out proper, and you’ll have to have another go.”

Aurelia watched Vahne work, the small hands surprisingly strong and swift. “You’re very good at this,” she observed. “Do they not have washtubs in that village of yours?”

“The Hearer to whom I’m apprenticed has a young lady named Noline take in our washing twice a week. I’m certain the villagers do their own wash otherwise.”

“Ha! I knew it.”

“Knew what?”

“You come from a rich family, don’t you? Had servants to do your wash and the like. Am I right? I wager I’m right.”

Aurelia could only laugh, as much at herself as the absurdity of it all: without realizing it, her young friend had guessed correctly.

“Yes, I come from a well-to-do family. Was it so obvious?”

“Well… yes, it was, actually. Just ‘cause… you don’t know how to do some things I thought everyone knew and it’s a bit strange, that’s all.” Vahne’s brow crinkled. “I didn’t mean it in a bad way.”

“Such as?”

“Laundry, for one. The way you wash dishes. You can’t cook-”

“What? Of course I can cook. I can make a pot of tea,” Aurelia protested. “And boil eggs.”

“That’s about it.”

“...Do you talk back to all your elders like this, or am I just especially lucky?”

The girl’s answering grin had regained much of its cocksure brashness, and she looked more now like the prickly, self-assured child Aurelia had rescued from the ruins. “You’re not special. I’m like this with everyone.”

“I see that.” She reached for one of the sheets to set in the wringer, the way the girl had shown her. “Rhaya must have had quite the time with you.”

“She’s used to it. I’ve lived with her since I was six summers old.”

“Six summers? That’s a very long time.”

“She’s had the care of me since Mum died,” Vahne shrugged. “Where’s your parents, Miss Aurelia? Do they still live in Gridania?”

“Oh... “ Aurelia hesitated. “Well, that’s… no. I don’t have any parents. I mean, I did, but they’ve been gone for a long time”

The girl looked some mixture of sad, surprised, and embarrassed. “I’m sorry,” she said, abashed. “Aunt Rhaya always tells me I ask too many questions.”

“That’s all right.”

“You’re an orphan then. Just like me…” Vahne’s nose crinkled and she paused in her scrubbing to scratch the tip with one soapy finger. “After helping us out, I bet she’d be happy to have you if you ever just wanted to come and visit and eat with us or tell stories or… something. If you have the time and all.”

“Perhaps you can show me how to properly do my wash.”

“And I can teach you to cook. No offense, Miss Aurelia, but I’m worried you won’t be able to feed yourself if all you know how to make is tea and boiled eggs.”

Aurelia laughed.

“Ah, you raise an excellent point. Well! I suppose I can find the means to submit myself to another teacher. Provided the Hearer is amenable.”

“What’s ‘amenable’ mean?”

“It means if he likes.”

“Or you could not worry about what he thinks and just come visit me anyway,” Vahne retorted with the cheeky cheerfulness of the very young. “Here, give me the soap. When you’ve put the rest of the sheets through the wringer, we can hang them to dry.”

I do believe, Aurelia thought with amusement as the girl continued to chatter, that I have been adopted.

~*~

Keveh’to Epocan sat belly up to the bar, morosely turning the faceted glass in idle circles. He’d long since drained its contents and now he was deciding whether or not to chance asking for a refill and thus calling attention to himself. At the moment he was the only Miqo’te man in sight, and while none of the few patrons huddled over their tables with their food and ales seemed to care about the presence of a Keeper man - which surprised him a touch - old habits died godsdamned hard, and so did the anxiety that always arose under curious stares.

That said, he was just inebriated enough not to pay it as much mind as he would have at any other time.

He tilted his head forward to rest against the wooden surface. Like the rest of the building it was still very new; the twin scents of tree sap and fresh varnish tickled his nose. He was supposed to have returned from his rounds a bell past, not that he supposed Mariustel Aubaints would give a damn one way or another. Laurentius Daye too often came to the Druthers, and he was far from the only one.

Buscarron’s Druthers - like many other places in the Twelveswood - had been born in the wake of the Calamity out of a need that had not always existed. Once this place had been naught save a single cabin just ahead of the lumberline, serving as both a rest stop and a watch station for travelers passing south into the marshes. There was a need for more eyes on the road in places where the Wailers and their reduced numbers could no longer venture and that had given way to business opportunities, and Buscarron Stacks had taken it upon himself to retire and open a bar.

Some had criticized him for it, lamenting the loss of the familiar watch, but Keveh’to personally found Buscarron’s decision to be a sound one. Running a tavern was just as good a method of information gathering as sitting in a cabin by the road - probably better, in fact. Drink had a tendency to loosen the tongue and relax the mind, and not all of the patrons of the ex-Wailer’s new watering hole were what one would call on the right side of the law. Most were trappers and hunters and the odd adventurer, and rural Wailer units on patrol, but Keveh’to’s keen eye had spotted one or two faces here that had been peppered across wanted posters in Gridania and nearby Quarrymill ever since the takeover of old Boughbury.

“Another?”

“Please,” he mumbled. “Bowl of walnuts too if you’ve got ‘em.” No sense in drinking himself stupid and paying for it the next day. He’d be expected on wall duty regardless of how miserable he felt.

His thoughts circled back to that piece of metal, burning a hole in his pocket.

Fumbling at his belt he fished around in the small pouch where he’d hidden it until his fingers, made somewhat clumsy with the whiskey, were able to safely retrieve it. He squinted it in the dim light, turning it over and over and all but enthralled by the way the curved cylinder caught the refracted bits of prismatic light from his tumbler and-

“Wouldn’t be flashing that about if I were you, mate.”

Keveh’to jumped, nearly losing his tenuous grip on the- what had Aurelia called it? A casing? He managed to catch it before it fell to the floor. Steel winked at him from his fist, curled half-open- and when he looked up, he saw Buscarron, the proprietor, grinning at him.

“You’re the new bloke, right? Sergeant… Evocan. No, Epocan. Got assigned to- where’s it, the Willowsbend outpost? Out there on the old Sentinel road?”

“That’s me.” The man slid a small wooden bowl full of shelled nuts towards him and reached for the decanter behind the shelf. Keveh’to watched the liquid spill into the glass, his ears twitching. “I don’t know that we’ve ever spoken but I’ve been in-”

“-a couple of times before. Aye, I saw you with young Laurentius, as I recall.” Buscarron’s lone eye twinkled at him, but there was something not quite mirthful about his words nor his demeanor as he slid the refilled glass over the varnished surface. “You take care ‘round him, you hear? I’ve known him since he was a young lad, and he don’t always think twice about judging the character of his friends while he’s about making ‘em.”

“I think there’s no danger of any close association.” Keveh’to picked up the glass. “I keep my business and my personal affairs separate. Try to, anyroad.”

“Probably for the best. Is this a personal visit, then? Or business?”

“It is, but…” Hells, he might as well get on with it. “...Might as well make it both.”

“Ask away,” Buscarron said, reaching for a cloth and a soapy glass. “Don’t think I’m going anywhere for the nonce.”

“I take it that you recognise this?” Keveh’to opened his hand. The casing lay in it still, lantern-light winking cheerfully back at the pair, and the Hyur squinted at it thoughtfully, the sun-wrinkles in his face bunched behind his eyepatch.

“Seen it once or twice. That ain’t from any Eorzean weapon.”

“That’s what my partner said too.”

“Your partner sounds sensible if you don’t mind me saying so. Where are they?”

“She’s tending to an urgent affair elsewhere,” Keveh’to said glumly, “or I’d have brought her with me.”

Buscarron’s brows arched, but he made no comment.

“I see,” was all he said. “I’m going to take a wild guess and assume you want to know if I’ve seen anything.”

“Have you?”

“I don’t think I’ve personally seen any imperials about these parts, but you understand I’ve been busy with the ales and spirits as of late. Short of one of ‘em walking in and asking me for a drink, I doubt I’d have had the opportunity to meet any of His Radiance’s finest.”

Keveh’to sighed, but the Hyur held up a hand.

“That isn’t to say I don’t want to help you. You might consider asking some of these folks hereabouts if they’ve seen anything out of the ordinary.”

“If any of them will talk to me.”

“Oh, ask around and be patient, and you’ll get a bite from some soul or other, I guarantee it. Might’ve actually worked in your favor, comin’ out here without your Wailer mates,” Buscarron observed. “Them what’s most like to have seen any wanderin’ ironcoats about the forest surely won’t be telling the law about it. Not if they think it’ll end with ‘em warming a space in a gaol cell.”

It wasn’t exactly the answer he wanted, but it did make surface sense. Even five years ago he’d associated the attention of the Wood Wailers with harassment at best, wrongful accusations at worst. “You have my thanks for the advice. And the drink.”

Buscarron let out a dry cackle.

“Don’t thank me now, lad,” he took the emptied glass, brows lifted in amusement across the weathered canvas of his face. “You haven’t got what you’re after yet.”

One bell later he had to admit, however grudgingly, that Buscarron’s warning carried some weight. Most of the responses he received were blank stares or simply a hostile, stony silence as he tried to explain himself. Some few souls said they would like to be of help but had no idea what object he was even holding, and others thought he was having them on. He needed another few bells to ask around the entire rest stop in all honesty, but he knew he didn’t have them to spare. The day was wearing on towards late afternoon, and he would be missed if he weren’t back by dusk. Resigning himself to the fact that his inquiries had proven fruitless, Keveh’to made for the chocobo paddock.

He was reaching for the braided reins to loosen them from the post when a sharp prickle ran its way down his spine and gooseflesh spread over his forearms. He froze in place, one hand still on the reins and the other on his mount’s flank, and out of the corner of his eyes he saw four Hyur in dark leathers with their faces covered. They had fanned out around him, and looking over their shoulders he watched four more put down what they had been doing to stand and grab a weapon where each had had one concealed among their tools.

So that’s how it is. As ever, the thought was barbed with cynicism. Same shite, different pile.

The Miqo’te bit back an exasperated sigh and his fingers closed around a dagger he’d concealed behind the saddle, just over the strap that held the blanket in place. “Right, gentlemen,” he said without turning around, his muscles already tensing in preparation to dodge a blow aimed for his back. “If you’ve come to ask for a dance-”

“Hold your weapon, Wailer,” one of them interrupted, the flow of his baritone like creek water, cool and unhurried. “We’ve not come to fight. Just to talk.”

“Have you now?”

“Aye, we have.” The man’s tone didn’t waver even once. He was in charge of this encounter and it was clear he knew it. “Boss said he wants a word with you.”

The boss, he thought. That sounded suitably ominous.

For a brief moment he gave idle consideration to the idea of fighting his way out, but it was just that: a flight of fancy and little else. It was obvious these men had orders to detain him, and he had no doubt they were likely to drag him off his chocobo and force him to do what they wished if he attempted to escape. Keveh’to was no coward and could well hold his own in any fair fight, but didn’t rate his chances against eight fully armed men, all of whom carried themselves with the casual swagger of battle-hardened veterans.

Those cold eyes locked with his, the faintest hint of a smirk tilting those smooth lips. No, he didn’t rate them at all.

His hand withdrew from the blanket to fall at his side.

“Well,” he said with forced cheer, “you’ve got my attention. Lead on, gentlemen.”

=

Buscarron didn’t even glance at Keveh’to upon his re-entry to the tavern, and he suspected that was by design, for this time he entered as a sort of vanguard’s spearhead, followed by the four men who had accosted him in the paddock. They led him past the bar without pausing and towards a small, round side table where a middle-aged Midlander in leathers sat alone, his lance leaning against the wall as he perused a book and sipped a cup of black Thanalan tea.

The entire scene was so incongruous that he might have laughed did he not know better; any of the men at his back could cause him undue harm or simply kill him, and he knew why they didn’t. A mild sidewise glance upwards, and hazel eyes locked with rain-grey. The man’s expression relaxed into a smile that was friendly enough, for all it was quite bland and didn’t reach beyond the curve of his mouth.

“Well. A Keeper! Don’t that beat shite all.” He folded a small corner of the open page, shut the book cover, and set it aside. “I didn’t think the Wailers recruited your kind.”

There was no point in lying to him. “They didn’t. Not exactly.”

“What’re you called?”

“I’m called Keveh’to Epocan. In polite society, anyroad.”

The man let out a delighted guffaw into the spine of his book.

“Seven hells,” he cackled, “finally I get one with a sense of bleeding humor. So, if you keep company with Wailers but you ain’t a Wailer, then who do you work for?”

“A Grand Company. I’m a sergeant with the Order of the Twin Adder in Gridania.”

“We found him about to leave town,” one of the men began, but fell silent at the lift of a hand.

“Sure the good sergeant can speak for himself. Go on, this is a private matter.” Out of the corner of one eye, Keveh’to watched the men exchange surprised glances, but they shuffled away and left him to speak with their leader alone. “Have a seat.”

Keveh’to sat. The act brought him face to face with the most nondescript-looking Midlander man he had ever met: sandy hair going to silver at the temples, rheumy hazel eyes, and absolutely no distinguishing features whatsoever. He could have passed this man in the street any number of times without having any idea who he was looking at.

By design, of course.

“I guess there’s no point in pretenses,” he said. “I’ll assume you’re the leader of the Redbelly Wasps.”

“One of many. But I see you’ve heard of us.” The bandit leader inclined his chin. “We’re an informal lot- we don’t much stand on ceremony. But if you need a name, you can call me Arthur. Keeps things friendly, like.”

“Well met, then, Arthur,” he said. It wouldn’t hurt his chances to be polite. He gestured at the half-cleaned plate at his host’s elbow. “Hope I didn’t interrupt anything important.”

“Not at all. I like to take my time with my meals,” Arthur said. “Sit back with a bit to read and watch the comings and goings ‘round these parts.”

“You’re a regular here?”

“I am. We’ve a deal with ol’ Busc, see. He knows all about our little feud with Gridania, but he wants this place to stay neutral and it’s in our best interests too. So we don’t bother no one while they’re here, and in turn, they don’t bother us.” Arthur smiled. “It works the same way for you and yours, Sergeant. A two-way road, you might say. You don’t call your Wailer friends to haul us off to rot in a gaol cell or swing from a gibbet, and we don’t send you back in small pieces to whatever hole you crawled out from.”

“A good system,” Keveh’to agreed mildly. He knew a veiled warning when he heard one. “So what was it that you wanted to discuss?”

“You’ve been showin’ a bit of steel about the tavern today, so I hear. Can I have a look? I know it’s in that pouch of yours.”

“Mate, you have eyes in this tavern waiting for me to draw a weapon just so they can put a dagger in my back. I’m not that much of a fool.”

Arthur shook his head with a sigh. “Come now, Sergeant. I know you aren’t about to shoot me. We’re friends for the next quarter-bell at least, which means I’ll not raise a hand against you. You’re safe and all. Go on.”

Keveh’to’s eyes narrowed at the man, but he wasn’t about to accuse him of lying about their truce- and Buscarron’s reputation, at least, he did trust. His fingers eased loose the leather knots of the pouch and drew forth the spent shell. It rolled into his palm, winking steel and brass in the flickering lights, and he held it out to Arthur.

“Open your hand,” Keveh’to said, and when the Hyur did so, he rolled the shell into his waiting hand and watched as he squinted at it. “That look familiar? Something that one of your people might’ve seen recently?”

“Imperial ordnance,” Arthur mused. The fingertips of his other hand drummed a slow and constant rhythm against the surface of the table. “Where’d you find this?”

“In a copse just outside Willowsbend.”

“Willowsbend, eh…”

“You know the place?”

“I’ve got a couple of men with sweethearts in that very same village. Off near the old Amdapor ruins.” Arthur rolled the piece of metal in his palm. “Funny you should mention, though. One of ‘em said something about hearing what sounded like a gunblade discharge a few nights past while he were out making sport with his lass. Multiple shots, he said.”

“And he said it was gunblade fire? You’re sure?”

“Don’t take this the wrong way, Sergeant, but we don’t just feud with the Wailers. The Garlean Empire wants the wood too, and their fancy magitek makes them far more of a threat than your lot with your bows and arrows.” Arthur squinted at the metal in his hand. “We’ve all of us got in skirmishes with imperial scouts here and there- though this is the first in over a year they’ve ventured out this far from their castrum. Could be they’re about to take another tilt at us, could be they had some other reason for being out here. You ask me, it’s probably the latter.”

Keveh’to’s brows arched. “That’s not much to go on.”

“That’s what I have.”

“Care to tell me who the girl is or did your man say?”

“You maybe could talk to her yourself if you’re so inclined? She heard the sound too, he said, and she’s one of your villagers. Makes it easier for all concerned - and I trust you’ll not be sendin’ your friends to set a trap for my man, now I’ve told you what we know? Fair exchange of information and all that.”

“I’ll not breathe a word. And the girl...?”

“Oh, aye, I can give you the girl’s name right enough,” the bandit leader said with a smile and a shrug, holding out his hand to pass the gunblade shell back to Keveh’to. “It’s Noline.”

~*~

The sun had long since fallen below the trees, and the sky had darkened to a deep, rich blue, limned with the brilliant pinks and orange of sunset. It seemed to cast the timberline in an otherworldly glow, and Aurelia found herself admiring the view while she removed her pattens and hoisted the basket of clean linens to take inside. She missed the dramatic skyscapes of Gyr Abania and even Garlemald, but the skies over the Shroud held their own mysterious allure that she couldn’t deny.

With a distant sort of amusement, she imagined how her aunt and uncle would react if they could see her as she was now. Filthy and tired after a day spent on her knees scrubbing dirty linens on a wooden and copper-plated board until her slender fingers had gone red and raw.

Aunt Marcella would have conniptions, that’s what. A rueful grin lingered upon her face as she nudged the door open with the flare of one hip and her mind turned back to the night’s tasks.

She would set the basket in the hall for Vahne to sort, then go back out to get water from the well pump to wash up and find a meal. Once she’d eaten it would be time once more to check on her patient’s vitals and change out his bandages. After that… well, chores or no, there was precious little to do whilst overseeing a single patient’s recovery so long as there were minimal complications. A cup of tea might not go amiss, and she could perhaps make some new entries in her journal tonight.

Cheered by the thought, Aurelia made her way into the hallway, set the basket on the floor, and plucked a washcloth from the pile.

“Ah, Mistress Aurelia.”

She paused. The voice had come from the direction of the stove, and when she looked over her shoulder she saw Rhaya Wolndara ascending the ladder.

“There’s stew in the pot,” she said. Her demeanor was still somewhat stiff and mistrustful, but she had seemingly decided to stay her judgment upon Aurelia for the time being. “I had a haunch of venison that needed finishing off before it went over. Since we’ve got four mouths to feed right now, that should be no issue.”

“Thank you,” Aurelia said, and meant it. “I realize I’m an imposition here.”

Rhaya sighed. “I’ve no children and no particular desire to have them. Vahne is the closest I’ll get, and she’s… young and prone to thoughtlessness. And she seems to trust you, despite having known you for less than a sennight.”

Aurelia said nothing at the woman’s pointed words.

“Surely you have other patients. Why would you disregard them to help us?”

“Because that’s what I do,” she said simply.

“With no expectation of payment in return, I suppose.”

“Perhaps Vahne misunderstood or did not explain. I am not the conjurer in charge of the village where she found me, but rather the conjurer’s apprentice. I have a roof over my head and meals provided to me.”

“A novice.” Rhaya’s eyes narrowed. “And yet you seem to have a very thorough knowledge of field medicine.”

“I was originally a chirurgeon by trade. Before the-”

“Aunt Rhaya! Aunt Rhaya!!”

The panicked cry startled them both, as did the immediate slamming of the cabin door. Vahne’s fingers fumbled at the locks as she threw the big bolt, and the sounds of her rapid, heavy breathing filled the small space.

“Vahne?” Rhaya emerged fully from the root cellar, her brow indexed with a deep frown. “What’s happened? Are there wolves near the coop again?”

“N-not wolves,” she gasped and bent over to cough from her exertion, “bandits.”

“What do you mean, bandits?” Rhaya said, in a sharp and incredulous voice, and Aurelia watched her jaw tighten at the news. “That isn’t possible. Are you sure?”

“Yes! I was putting up the feed when I saw- they’re all hiding in the hay fields. They’re wearing that strange black stuff so it was really hard to see them, but they’re out there.”

“Did you see how many were out there?”

“I-I’m sorry,” Vahne panted. “I didn’t see how many there were. I thought they might grab me if I didn’t run away fast. But-but they didn’t follow me so I don’t think they know I saw them.”

Rhaya was already halfway across the common room in search of her bow, growling, every hair on her violently lashing tail standing on end. “Those lying bastards,” she spat, slinging her quiver over her back. “There’s not supposed to be any bloody Wasps out there.”

She sounded so certain that Aurelia frowned.

“I was under the impression that bandits don’t much care whether or not they’re trespassing.”

“You wouldn’t understand and it’d take too bleeding long to explain. Let me get these bastards off my property first and then we’ll-”

Aurelia never heard what Rhaya had intended to say. Her senses were overwhelmed by a preternatural, primitive flash of warning that snapped through her soul seemingly out of nowhere, and before she could even question it she had grasped both Miqo’te by their shoulders.

“Both of you,” she shouted, “get down! Now!!”

She threw them to the ground and dropped to join them just as she heard an all too familiar explosion and one of the window panes shattered. The gunblade’s bullet drilled harmlessly into the wall where Rhaya had been standing only moments beforehand.

Vahne screamed.

On its heels came another shot fired, then another, and another. Aurelia turned her face to the ground and made sure her body was blocking the girl’s, lying unmoving beneath the sensation of broken glass and wood chips pelting down onto her back. After what felt like an eternity but must only have been half a minute if that, the fields went silent. The stink of black powder rankled in her nose and she coughed.

From the other side of the broken windows, a heavily accented male voice barked:

“Sixth Cohort Velites, hold your fire!”

Aurelia Laskaris felt her stomach drop through the floor.  

Vahne cowered beneath her, shaking and crying and awaiting another barrage of gunfire. On her other side, Rhaya’s pretty face was livid with fear and fury, her ears laid flat against her head as she spat foul curses beneath her breath. Aside from shredded curtains and broken glass and chipped furniture, all else appeared as it ought. They hadn’t hit the lamp that sat in the front window, though perhaps that had been by design rather than providence.

The only other sound in her ears was the chime of broken glass dangling from newly emptied panes in the night breeze like cracked teeth and the crunch of multiple footsteps. The imperials were approaching the door.

A gauntleted fist crashed against the panels, once, twice, thrice, and Vahne jumped beneath Aurelia’s protective arm.

“We have come on behalf of the XIVth Imperial Legion,” came the shout from the other side. “We have evidence that a deserter is being sheltered upon these premises and have come to arrest the criminal, as is our right by imperial law. Surrender this traitor within the next five minutes and we will consider clemency. Be warned that any show of resistance or lack of response will be taken as a tacit admission of guilt in aiding and abetting a fugitive-”

“Piss on your swiving Emperor! This isn’t one of your provinces, you tin-plated whoresons,” Rhaya howled at the top of her lungs. “And if you don’t clear off my land right now, I swear by the Twelve you’ll live to regret it!”

“Miss Aurelia,” Vahne whispered, her eyes wide as saucers. She was trying to wriggle out from beneath the arm that pinned her to the floor. “Aunt Rhaya, what are they shooting at us with? Are they bandits?”

Aurelia struggled to sit up. Her head covering had been knocked askew by the last-moment dodge and only barely kept its perch, tilting so far forward that it covered her eyesight.

“No,” she said, her voice flat and grim. “Definitely not bandits.”

“This is your final warning,” the disembodied man’s voice shouted, now tinged with no small amount of irritation. “Present the deserter that you have been illegally harboring or prepare to face the consequences due for your defiance. You have five minutes. Choose wisely.”

“Bugger it all,” Rhaya hissed. “If it were Wasps that’d be one thing, but imperials?”

It was difficult even to hear her own thoughts over the relentless thumping sound of her heart in her ears. Outside there was the sound of shouted orders over the thrum of cicadas and the calls of birds - clearly, the soldiers were not bluffing, although she supposed they ought to be thankful for any sort of warning.

“We’ll have to drive them off if we can,” Aurelia whispered at last. “But first things first, that trapdoor-”

Rhaya reached for the bow and the arrows, which had scattered when they had dropped to the floor.

“Vahne, go down with our friend. Shut the trapdoor behind you and stay down there- and keep quiet.”

“But-”

“No buts. This isn’t a job for children.” Vahne opened her mouth, then shut it, seeming to realize an argument would be futile. “You’ll help me best by remaining out of sight. Go down into the cellar and shut the door behind you, and don’t you open it until one of us tells you it’s safe. Do you hear?”

“Yes, auntie,” she mumbled. Aurelia watched her go, spindly legs and still-awkward gait and all.

“It’s just you and me, then, conjurer,” Rhaya said. She grimaced at the broken glass all over the floor. “Damn it, this glass cost my grandmother a fortune- ”

“Don’t worry about that right now.” Aurelia stood, and the moment she did the kerchief on her head fluttered loose and fell into her hands. She stared at it, chewing on her lip… then a slow and wicked grin stretched its way across her face.

Rhaya gave her a blank sidewise stare. “What’re you smiling about?”

“Pray tell me, Mistress Wolndara,” she said without looking up, still grinning, “might you show me where you keep your leatherworking reagents?”

~*~

Never expected I’d ever miss Ala Mhigo, Argas rem Canina thought to himself, but here we are.

The observation was silent for necessity’s sake, as he didn’t want the inhabitants of the cabin overhearing any orders he might have had to pass along, but he was miserable. They were coming into what locals called the dog days of high summer now, and though it was more temperate than the city where he had been posted for so long, that wasn’t to say it was more hospitable. Even did one discount the humid and sweltering heat, and the bandits, and the beastmen… well. Carbonweave might be effective at preventing death by immolation but it was utterly useless against midges, and the Eorzean variety were both vicious and plentiful. Vicious and plentiful, he thought. Just like everything and everyone else in this godsforsaken forest - even after having a blasted moon dropped on their heads.

Eorzeans, he was starting to realize, were an annoyingly resilient lot.

“My lord,” a voice muttered at his shoulder. Phoebus pyr Cinna, lips set in a cold and angry line, already reloading his gunblade - like the other frumentarii the pilus prior had handpicked for this mission, the man was an officer, albeit a junior one. “It’s been nearly five minutes by my count. Your orders? Do we take the door down?”

Argas took a moment to consider his next course of action. He wasn’t accustomed to fieldwork any longer and he knew it showed. He’d spent the last three years behind a desk- but by His Radiance’s Will, some things one never forgot. He still knew how to track down defectors, and that was why Fabian rem Corbinus had entrusted him with the task of leading a squadron of velites on his retrieval mission.

This one was worse than most of the criminal rabble that deserted their posting. Usually, the bastards were found again within days’ range of the castrum they’d fled, with naught save the clothes on their backs. But just turning tail and running away hadn’t been enough for him, Argas thought sourly.

At the very least, the Crow seemed to want the deserter either retrieved or dead and wasn’t terribly minded as to which solution they sought.

Pale hazel eyes tracked over the facade of the cabin. One of the others thought she’d seen movement inside earlier, but aside from the single lamp still burning in the window (and somehow untouched by their opening barrage of firepower), all remained still. He’d seen the child running through the fields to the house so he had no doubt the owners of the cabin were still present, likely hoping they might be left to their own devices if they remained silent.

He sighed aloud in disappointment. He’d heard tell that the primitive folk of the Black Shroud worshipped forest gods and in return held the power to turn the wood to their very whims, but there appeared to be nothing to such tales after all.

This didn’t promise to be much in the way of sport.

“My lord?”

“We've been more than lenient. Let's-"

Something came flying through one of the broken windows to crash at their feet with a tinkle of shattering glass. Its contents splashed against their carbonweave leggings, and as one the squad staggered backward, coughing -- the reek was enough to fell a behemoth.

“Seven hells,” came Phoebus' choked voice from behind him, and that was when the rock struck him in the chest and knocked the breath from him in a great gust.

Taken by surprise, Argas had little chance to defend himself. The force behind the wind gust that followed took him off his feet and sent him sailing clear of the porch to land at the foot of the steps, slamming against the stone and mortar lip of the nearby well.

“Open fire!” he snarled, over the levin shocks of pain radiating into his right arm from his side. If a fight's what these savages want, then a fight is what the bastards will get! "They've got him! Take them down!"

An arrow whistled through one of the broken windows, aiming at his face. Argus took hasty evasive action, rolling to the ground and covering his head with his arms, and the projectile struck the wooden panel bare ilms from the space his throat had so recently occupied. He heard another pained cry as a second arrow struck true, then the sound of a gunblade clattering to the ground. Another gust of wind punched into his back and cut tiny paper-thin slivers into the exposed edges of his tabard, near blinding him with tiny splinters and the tattered corners of leaves.

“Phoebus!” Argas shouted. “Don’t just sit there, smoke them out!”

His second immediately scrambled to obey. Between wild-fired shots with his gunblade, the other man fumbled at his belt until he unclipped a small device, pulled the pin with his teeth, and tossed it at the cabin. It crashed through another windowpane and with a tight, flat bang smoke began to billow everywhere, in the cabin and along the length of the porch runner. Eyes watering, Argus coughed and covered his mouth with his forearm.

There was a slam and then a loud cracking sound as the door was kicked open to slam on loosened hinges against the outer wall. Two female figures emerged through the smoke, their noses and mouths covered in cloth: one a wiry auburn-haired Miqo’te with eyes that burned as balefully as ghost-fire, the other a tall, blonde, and willowy Hyur.

The Miqo’te threw herself off the steps and lunged at his other two operatives. Behind her arrows came more flying stones and sharp bursts of wind; the force sent her targets crumpling to the ground with a groan. At his side, Phoebus pyr Cinna took aim and fired at the woman. The smoke obscured his sight, but the lack of response was enough to indicate his second’s bullet had missed its mark.

Grinning mirthlessly, his second opened the revolving chamber of his gunblade to reload--

“Take your hands off your weapon,” the quiet command drifted through the smoke plumes that still billowed out of the cabin door, “and keep them where I can see them if you please.”

They had forgotten the Hyur woman. Her voice was dulcet, clear- and, the pilus prior thought, her accent was immediately recognizable. There was something in it of Ala Mhigo, but she was no more an Eorzean than he was.

Another deserter, he thought in silent dismay. Two of them. Hells below.

Argas watched Phoebus’ hand freeze in place along the hilt’s trigger guard, heard coughing and swearing from the others, then his gaze traveled from his second to the young woman who now towered over them both. She held a glowing wand at the ready, a simple leafless branch with a small corona of light at its tip, and he had no doubt by the look on her face that she was willing to use it.

“Have your optio drop his weapon, my lord,” the Garlean woman repeated. “Tell your subordinates to stay where they are and keep their hands in sight.”

Phoebus was already baring his teeth.

“We don’t take orders from-”

“Do as she says, Cinna, you damned fool,” Argas snapped. His second continued to glare at the woman, but placed the gunblade flat against the ground and raised his hands in the air.

“Cease fire!” he shouted.

For a few moments, silence returned to the clearing and the sounds of the forest intruded once more. Full night had fallen, and the smoke made visibility poor besides, but the tall woman was close enough for him to see her face from the point of light gleaming ominously in the small stick she bore in one hand. Something on her brow, just beneath her hair, caught the reflection from the aether that cast the visible half of her face in a lambent blue glow.

Argas craned his neck up, squinting-

-and she kicked him roughly onto his back and planted a slender, pattened foot against his chest. The edges of his broken bones ground together beneath its pressure upon his sternum in a way that left him gasping and breathless.

“You dare to treat an officer of the imperial army in this manner-" A pained and very undignified moan escaped his lips as she leaned her weight into the foot on his chest, the pressure on his ribcage inexorable and, increasingly, unbearable. He spat a mouthful of dirt to one side, panting. "You will regret your insolence, madam. Mark my words.”

“Mark mine first, pilus: there are over two hundred bones in your body, and I know precisely where and how to break all the ones which would leave you able to answer my questions." The woman’s mouth was set in a tight line. "Who are you?”

“Argus rem Canina,” he managed. “And you are-”

Her foot bore down once again, and the pilus prior’s query ended in a howl of pain and a string of Ilsabardian vulgarities which she proceeded to ignore. “Why did you fire upon civilians with no prior warning?”

“He’s a deserter,” he ground out between clenched teeth. “Harboring deserters and defectors is a violation of imperial law and the penalty-”

“I’m well aware of the provincial statutes, my lord, and none of them apply here. Perhaps it has escaped your notice, but Eorzea is not an imperial province.”

A shout caught their attention, followed by the sounds of cursing and grunting-- and the sharp bark of a discharged gunblade.

“Rhaya!” his interrogator shouted. Her attention turned towards her companion, all thoughts of questioning forgotten.

The moment he saw the window of opportunity, Argus took it. He unhooked the flash grenade from his belt, pulling the pin as he did so, and tossed the activated projectile at her feet.

The world exploded in white, blinding all of them; he could hear only the keening high-pitched sound of a magitek detonator-- but it had the desired effect. The pressure on his chest evaporated as she fell back. He felt arms fumbling around his shoulders to pull him to his feet, slapping his weapon back into his hand.

“We should press our advantage, my lord,” Phoebus hissed in his ear.

“No,” he winced, coughing and clutching at his hurt side.

“But--!”

The weapon in his hand felt as though it weighed tonzes; his fist remained tightly closed about the grip, for it would be inviting courts-martial if he lost it - but his arm trembled violently, weakened by the debilitating pain in his chest; the very act of breathing felt a torment. Argus knew he could not continue to fight if pressed, and with at least one other of their number wounded that would leave the others at too much of a disadvantage.

There was naught else to be done. He ground his teeth in frustration.

“Damn you, do not countermand my orders!" Argas snarled. "We withdraw!”

He could feel the resigned slump of the shoulder against his own.

“Velites!” Phoebus pyr Cinna shouted in the direction they’d last seen the others, his voice hoarse from smoke inhalation. “Fall back!”

And under the cover of smoke and artificial light, Argas rem Canina and his comrades fled.

[iohourtime]

Okada Junichi x Yamada Ryosuke (Cinema * Cinema 86)

Cross-talk

The bond between Hijikata Toshizo and Okita Souji that was cultivated naturally

Okada: I feel like it is sort of like fate that I get to play Hijikata Toshizo. I can't explain it well, but I always thought it would be a role that I would play. When we were filming, it felt like the [character] was looking at me.  

Yamada: On the contrary, I was not familiar with the history at all. I also had to learn about the Shinsengumi from scratch.  It was my first time participating in an authentic historical drama, so everything on set, including sword fighting, was new to me.

Okada: But Yamada-kun is a once-in-a-millennium talent. Your sword fighting was really perfect.

Yamada: (Tongue tied) I'm happy [to hear that] ...  

Okada: Before we started shooting, he said to me, "Please teach me all the things I don't know." We would rehearse together and explore ways on how he could show an Okita-like fighting style. That said, Yamada-kun could do it right away. That's [why you are] a once-in-a-millennium talent. Did you enjoy your practice?  

Yamada: Very much.

Okada: [The training] included wrestling. You must have wondered, "Why wrestling?" (Laughs) 

Yamada: At first (laughs). [That’s because] you need to use your waist when you swing the sword, right?

Okada: Yeah. Including the approach, he learned things really quickly. 

Yamada: I think there are many actors who want to play Okita Souji. Moreover, Okada-san is Hijikata. However, I would hate for people to think "I'm [only selected for the role] because I'm his kouhai." That's why I want to play [the character] properly.  Unfortunately, I didn’t have the ability [to do it on my own]. So facing that [problem], if I could ask for help, there was no reason for me not to.  But it was not just me [who asked for help].  All members of the Shinsengumi called Okada-san "Teacher!" (Laughs)

Okada: I had the opportunity to choreograph sword fighting scenes in which I was involved. Every time someone finished a sword fight, everyone would look at me as if they were asking "How was it?" (Laughs)

Yamada: We did look.

Okada: Right. That kind of atmosphere sometimes made me feel like Hijikata. Suzuki Ryohei (who played Kondo Isami) was also very good at mood making on set and just like the director of the Shinsengumi, he brought everyone together. In that setting, the relationship between Hijikata and Okita also became apparent.

Yamada: It worked well.

Okada: Yeah. I feel that we were able to play that naturally. We never talked about "Let's do this!"  It just worked (laughs).

Yamada: Perhaps because you are a senpai who I already know...  But on the other hand, you are my actual senpai, right? Nevertheless, [my character] in the movie was cheeky and I poked Okada-san. That definitely wasn’t something I could do normally.  

Okada: Ah ha ha.

Yamada: However, I was surprisingly not nervous when I did it. Since Okita would surely do this.  

Okada: The relationship between Hijikata and Okita was like that of sworn brothers. Although the members of the Shinsengumi might be like that too, but among them, Hijikata, Kondo and Okita had the deepest ties.  I think women like that sort of relationship.

Yamada: That’s true...  

Okada: I asked myself “Why is the Shinsengumi so beloved throughout the times?”, after all, it is an important point. They did cruel things and although objectively speaking, you can’t understand them sometimes, there was a trust that existed among these men. There was a bond between them, right? In a sense, this connection transcends life and death.  

Yamada: Okita really liked Hijikata-san and Kondo-san. Whether it was during his childhood in his hometown or after he joined the Shinsengumi, Okita's feelings [towards them] had not changed at all.  Although there was a hierarchy and discipline [in the group], they didn't matter. He had always thought that, "I like Hijikata-san and Kondo-san, so I'm in the Shinsengumi."  That's why I wanted to cherish that feeling when I was performing.

Okada: After all, movies that depict human [relationships] are good. Hijikata, Kondo and Okita were historical figures. That's why it was easy for us to play them and we were able to emphasize the connection between these characters. No matter how much Hijikata was feared at that time, the connection between these friends remained the core. Hijikata once said "the purpose of a man’s life is to create beauty" and that represented what he held dear to his heart. Although things were cruel, there was beauty within them. As you see the [story of] the people and the era unfold on screen, it will be nice if this idea is reflected as well.  

Yamada went through extreme weight-loss under the guidance of Mr. Okada

Okada: Yamada-kun is cute no matter what. When I watched him working hard, I loved him more and more. Because (of the role), he had lost 8kg, you know. It must have been hard.  

Yamada: Yes ... (laughs).

Okada: Suzuki-kun and I are familiar with that (laughs). When he consulted me [on weight-loss methods], I casually said, "You should try dehydration."  It was a hellish method that I don't want to do again, but it is very effective if you need to do it quickly. Yamada-kun really did it. It was hard, right?

Yamada: That was really something...  

Okada: You often had to act in that condition. Time passed slower and your movements also became more [laboured]. Although that annoyance... was brewing, you didn’t say it out loud (laughs).

Yamada: Was it brewing? Honestly, on the last day [of the extreme diet period], I thought “it might be good to die” (laughs), but the day after “my” death, I had to film sword fighting [scenes].  

Okada: You muttered, "I have sword fighting on this day", I thought you must be concerned (laughs).

Yamada: “What should I do?” I thought and panicked. However, I thought Okada-san and others have experience in [losing weight in a short period of time] and they taught me a lot. Okada-san and Suzuki-san were so detailed that I almost asked, “Are you doctors?”

Okada: I said "Do OO and OO!"  

Yamada: "Huh?", I asked as I took notes to research later. However, if I were doing this alone without any knowledge, I might have used some dangerous methods [to lose weight]. Instead, I was able to trim down to the goal weight correctly.  

Okada: That was cute. Quietly~ eating almonds while conserving energy (laughs). You were very endearing that way.

Yamada: But when I was filming my “weak” scenes, I was scolded a little by Director Harada (Masato).  

Okada: Is that so?

Yamada: I was taking too much time between movements.  

Okada: You couldn’t move right (laughs)? I don't think people who have not experienced it would understand. But I like that scene. Hijikata laid down next to Okita, who was suffering from tuberculosis, and said, "I'm going to sleep here today." It showed their relationship. Although it would not come out of his mouth, I think Hijikata felt calm being next to Okita.  

Yamada: That's right. For Okita, I think Okita was very lonely. Both the Shinsengumi and Hijikata-san were steadily changing. But when Hijikata-san was in front of the sick “me’, he turned back to the old Hijikata-san and snuggled up to him. He showed “me” a side of himself that he never let others see, and “I” liked it.  However, when we were filming the scene, I was just not able to move... that night, when I went to the sauna by myself to reflect [on the mistake], Okada-san also came to the sauna.

Okada: I remember that. But you weren’t scolded [by the director] so much to be worried though. That was just like Yamada-kun.

Yamada: Hm~... 

Okada: As expected, a once-in-a-millennium talent will be a perfectionist. Although that's fine.  

Yamada: I'm really glad you said that. I'm glad we were able to act together and get closer.  

Okada: Hm~.  

Yamada: Eh?! We did not get closer?  

Okada: Nah, we weren’t that distant to begin with. Well, if we compare [our relationship now] to when we were rehearsing before the shoot, I think we have gotten closer. Yamada-kun gave me the most delicious strawberries I’ve ever eaten.  

Yamada: Is that so?! But I'm glad you liked them (laughs).  

The movie scenes and lines that left an impression

Okada: In "Joker", the cut when Joker raised his chin and looked up to the sky was memorable.  The lighting was exquisite. I wanted to know the behind-the-scenes scoop for that scene. It was really amazing that the lead actor could push the momentum forward in the movie with just that. He acted like he was invincible. I think it may be an eternal theme for people in the movie business, it is jam packed with the hopes of the actor who wanted to become that*.

*I’m not entirely sure if I interpreted this correctly, but it’s kind of the filler part of the cross-talk anyway, so I am not too concerned about it.

Yamada: The last scene of "Romeo & Juliet". Juliet revived and looked at Romeo with a smile, but Romeo just drank poison. I cannot forget the surprised face of (Leonardo) DiCaprio when he realized that Juliet was alive. He was in pain and then just died...  Couldn’t he wait another 20 seconds?! (Laughs) This is my favorite movie.

Hijikata & Okita

Okada Junichi

Memorable scene: Okita looking outside grabbed my heart

When the increasingly sick Okita looked at the [view] outside from his room with a hollow expression, the cut was beautiful. The trailer included that scene but when I watched it as part of the finished movie, it definitely left an impression. I saw up close the hard work Yamada-kun himself put in. Since he asked me for advice on how he should [show Okita] using the sandanzuki (the 3 stage thrust, Okita’s special move) while he was ill, I knew about the scenes he was filming. I didn’t actually see the filming of the scene where he was vacantly staring outside and fading away quietly. I saw it for the first time in the final cut of the movie and it grabbed my heart.

Message from Senpai to Kouhai: The image of Yamada-kun doing his best made me cry (laughs)

Yamada-kun is very smart. A good guy. That’s why I think you can indulge yourself a bit. However, you are not in a position to be indulgent, so you won’t do that and that is Yamada-kun [in a nutshell]. There are also a lot of responsibilities you must shoulder in the group.  There are many things you need to care about, to think about, and when I saw you working hard to bring smiles to everyone’s faces, I wanted to cry (laughs). Well, you are great. I hope you can fly high and soar in this splendid era.

Yamada Ryosuke

Memorable scene: I wanted to fight with everyone in Goryokaku

The Goryokaku scene was one where I thought “I wanted to be there”. I wanted to fight together with Hijikata-san, if not, at least I might watch the filming. What was I doing then… I was probably at another job. It was Hijikata-san’s final battle scene, the fight was crackling, he rode a horse too, anyway, it was cool! Although it was a sad scene, you could instantly understand Hijikata-san’s way of life. I was fascinated. It was so cool. I also wanted to ride a horse (laughs).

Message from Kouhai to Senpai: As my senpai in life, I respect Okada-san.

Okada-kun was unusually gentle. Really, like a teacher. When I asked you about things I didn’t know, you would answer no matter what I asked. Moreover, you are not annoyed [by the questions] even a little. It’s not just with me, the way you accept everyone is amazing. There is no distance between you and the staff. As a leader, Okada-san, you made sure the mood was harmonious, so everyone wanted to get close to and talk with this Okada-san. Not only on set but in other places as well. As my senpai in life, I respect you from the bottom of my heart.

Back Shot Story

When Okada senpai got praised by the kirakira Yamada-san, he shyly said, “Is that so!”. When such an Okada-senpai saw Yamada-san’s potential in historical drama, he got excited excited. “After sword fighting, let’s ride horses next! Go practice!”, he suggested excitedly. Does that mean they will act again in a period drama soon?

[halorocks1214]

the law of equivalent exchange

AO3 Link

Word Count: 4182

Just like all my other plot bunnies, this got three times longer than I estimated. Whoopsies. At least I’m fairly proud of this. Another title for this fic could be ‘something that I would love to see happen in the finale but know it won’t so I’ll just write it myself instead.’ I was probably going to write this fic regardless, but @gumnut-logic​‘s #FabFiveFeb just gave me one heck of a push to do so sooner than later. Hope you enjoy!

Warnings for The Hood being the creep he is and no-no words. There’s one F-bomb because I can’t seem to not have at least one.

“No! You can’t!”

Alan should probably be focusing on whatever the heck John was yelling at Scott for over the comms (let’s face it, Scooter, you haven’t been making the rashest decisions as of late), but he barely heard his older brother to begin with. With the blood rushing to his ears and his heart reverberating ten times faster than healthy throughout his entire body, all Alan could really focus on was trying not to pass out.

When his body decided to properly function, he tried reaching to turn his comms on as quickly as possible, but the figure he was praying to God to be a hallucination started talking, freezing Alan’s movements completely.

“Now then, Alan, let’s not be rash. I just want to talk. Is that so bad?”

Hand hovering over the button, Alan gulped down any fear he was wearing on his face to glare at The Hood directly in his eyes. If this was the stupid way he was going to go out, then he won’t be going out like a coward.

Against all of his training and judgment, Alan took his hand away from his comm and brought them calmly down to his sides. His whole stance was taut, and he at least hoped he looked more threatening than a lion cub play fighting with its siblings, “I don’t know, I would say it is considering who you are.”

The Hood chuckled, turning Alan’s stomach inside out. Alan just couldn’t understand this man. Ever. The way he slyly grinned as if he were some suave bachelor and not a creepy murderer. Alan tried desperately to cool the nausea in the pit of his gut as his family’s sworn enemy continued to speak, “As an honorable man even I have to admit defeat from time to time. You Tracys beat me fair and square, and the only way I caught up involved cheating. I was surprised I could sneak onto the ship as I did. Very well, Jeff Tracy is yours once again.”

Wait, what?

Alan blinked in shock before his brain caught up to him, making him bring back his glare, “There’s a catch here.”

The Hood raised his eyebrows at the way the boy spoke his words. It was not a question, no, the youngest Tracy stated them as if it were a matter of fact. The Hood’s smile grew wide, “You’re always quick on the uptake, Alan. Even if I lost this race, I did come out all this way. I can’t leave with nothing, not after all the time and effort I gave up. Surely, you understand that?”

Chills fled down Alan’s spine at the speed of the Zero-X. The gleam in The Hood’s eyes slowly morphed into hunger, like a starving lion about to make a move on an ill and weak zebra. Alan was pretty damn sure he wasn’t weak nor ill, and he didn’t feel like growing black and white stripes at the moment.

The Hood stood to his full height, “Have you ever heard of the saying “An Eye for an Eye”?”

Alan’s glare dropped off his face and went right back to the wide-eyed fear he had at the start, making him look a few years younger than he was. Screw looking fierce, he needed help. He needed his brothers.

Once again, he reached to get to his comms. Even if it were only one word, one second, one yelp of pain or fear, his brothers would realize something was wrong and come running. He hated it, occasionally, how he would always be seen as the baby, but if it meant getting home and away from this freak, then Alan was willing to be swaddled and rocked to sleep as much as his older brothers wanted.

However, that familiar cold voice spoke out once again, somehow stopping time itself in the process.

“Ah ah ah, Tracy, I thought I told you to be careful with that thing.”

Alan was breathing heavy, minute trembles beginning to show, “G-Give me one good reason I shouldn’t, you m-monster.”

The Hood’s grin turned playful as if what Alan wasn’t getting was supposed to be obvious, “Have you been listening to your brothers’ predicament at all?”

What did that mean?! Shaking his head, Alan, much to his displeasure, started to completely ignore The Hood so he could turn up his comms to listen. Crap, he forgot about why they were even out here! Why haven’t they finished the mission? Why haven’t they been able to find Dad? From the way The Hood was talking, Alan figured the older man was going to let the teenager writhe in agony as he listened to whatever he’d been missing.

Suddenly, a new, semi-unfamiliar voice boomed through Scott’s side of the comms.

“--head that way. If Johnny’s calculations are correct, it should be the path of least resistance.”

That was followed by a louder Scott responding with, “Yes, Father.”

Continued and ended with Virgil stating, “Lead the way, Dad.”

Alan blinked a few times again, the hand he was holding up over the comms suddenly very heavy and stuck in place. Even if he wanted to, he couldn’t find it in himself to contact his brothers for help. That was-- it was--

The Hood gleamed with anticipation at the recognition in Alan’s eyes, “If I can’t leave with anything, no one is. I’m positive you don’t want to be the one to ruin this for the rest of your family, do you?”

Ask Alan and he could very easily explain to you that his life could be broken into two parts. The parts had very simple descriptors too: With Dad and Without.

The Zero-X went up in flames before Alan was even ten-years-old, leaving a broken family and a confused child. A child that reacted like any other kid to losing a parent so young. He was sad and scared and for a while he just wanted his Dad to come back, even though his little mind knew it wasn’t possible.

But as the years went on, Alan got used to growing up without his dad in his life. Of course, the blonde missed him, and of course, he would do anything to get him back, but the sad fact of life was that Alan didn’t grow up with Jeff.

He grew up with his four older brothers and his grandma and Kayo and Brains and even Penny and Parker--

You catch what he was saying?

They tried to fill in the gap of a missing father with their own stab at being mock parents for the youngest Tracy. Alan suspected later in life that they did it in an attempt to fill their own gaps and heartbreak.

He would later start to think they failed at that latter objective as well.

That’s where the second part of his life came in to view. His brothers had many, many more years with their dad that they had to realize they would never have again. Scott was trained by Jeff with tips and tricks that nobody else in the Air Force knew. Jeff personally recommended John to the best of the best at NASA. Jeff took Virgil to meet one of the best mechanics in the world at the age of 12. Jeff was at every single one of Gordon’s swim meets to cheer him on.

Alan remembered being tucked into bed and pictures being hung up on the fridge and gold stars for eating his vegetables, and he was going to love getting that back, but he remembered Scott giving him piggybacks even more. John proofreading his papers even more. Virgil letting him sit on the piano bench while the older brother practiced more. Gordon teaching him how to dive into the deep end even more.

He also remembered Scott hiding a bottle of “adult juice” from Alan’s wandering eyes more than once, too many grey hairs for someone in their mid-twenties. He remembered how John was gone more and more, flinching at more and more hugs, only to be swallowed whole by the endless void that is space and Thunderbird 5, barely even being planetside for more than a fourth of the year.

Alan remembered how Virgil got quieter and quieter. Alan remembered the tap shoes, the musical scripts: they were currently collecting dust in the back of a random closet, shoved behind weight lifting gear and medical textbooks instead. And Gordon, his immediate older brother, his partner in crime... Alan wasn’t stupid. He knew Gordon dropped out of college and even the Olympics (after getting a freaking gold medal too!) to join WASP where he was nearly put in a goddamn chair.

Alan has been slowly watching his family barely try to hold it together, and it all started with dark laughter and a ball of fire over the ocean.

His brothers needed their father back, and no doubt Jeff wanted his sons back. Alan would hope he would want all of them too, but...

... After everything his brothers (and even Kayo and Brains and Grandma) have given up, surely Alan could give back, even if it’s just this one thing? Besides, Alan would hate himself forever if he was the reason they couldn’t complete their mission. He tends to feel that way on a failed missions anyway.

Yeah, right, the mission objective: get Dad back. Think of the mission, think of the mission. If that mantra was the only thing that was going to keep him convinced he was doing the right thing, then only he and The Hood would know.

Alan’s voice was breathy. It felt like if he spoke too loud the blood in his ears would make one final rush to try and bring him to la-la land, “... Do you promise?”

The Hood blinked and raised one eyebrow in a motion that spoke, ‘What did you just say? I wasn’t listening that hard in the first place.’

Alan’s trembling was more than minute, yet he forced his voice to be firm and steady this time. His glare was back to being fierce, and the fire in his eyes was redder than his ‘Bird. He enunciated just about every other consonant in his words, “If I go with you, do you promise to never go after them again? Because I know there’s no point in going with you if you just keep chasing them.”

The Hood stared blankly for a moment before his typical, creepy demeanor came back. With a few chuckles that brought physical bile up Alan’s throat, The Hood threw his arms out to his sides to make his point more clear, “Dear Alan, if you come with me there’s no point in doing so. There’s nothing I could do that could be worse.”

Jeez, way to kick a guy while he’s down. Alan flinched but continued to hold his head high, “I want your word.”

The Hood thinned his lips in disappointment. He still complied with Alan in the end, “Once you agree to come with me, I’ll take away what’s disrupting your unique vessel, leave your family alone for the rest of their lives, and then we’ll ‘get the heck out of dodge’ as you all say.”

Ew, that one was bad. He bet The Hood made it bad on purpose, the prick. Alan inhaled before exhaling the longest breath of his life, “Fine. Then you have a deal.” Like a true gentleman (Penny would be proud, right?), Alan held his hand out, initiating a handshake to seal the deal.

Then, suddenly, his watch started ringing. On the hand he was holding out. Alan found himself hating that noise for the first time in his life. Panicking, Alan made sure the hologram that appeared was himself and himself only, “H-Hey, brother! Did you find Dad yet?”

A familiar mop of ginger hair floated in between him and The Hood. Raising an eyebrow, John playfully rolled his eyes at his younger brother’s antics. Yes, let Alan play a little bit. They did just do the impossible, after all, “Actually, Alan, we did. Scotty and Virg are almost back with him. I was calling to let you know.”

That smile... the way John was sarcastically bantering with him... the nicknames... it was all because they were getting Dad back, wasn’t it? Alan felt tears mist his eyes. Their family really would be better off...

“Uh, Allie, you good?” Gordon’s voice rang out a few feet away from John

Crap crap crap. Bring it back, Alan, bring it back! “Uh-- yeah! Don't worry, I’m as cool as a cucumber in the middle of July! Hah...”

John’s eyebrow raise was no longer playful. In fact, it was filled to the brim with concern, “Are you sure? If you’re having trouble finishing up, Gordon could easily come up to help you out.”

Alan registered the strawberry blonde’s mmhhm with growing dread.

Dangit, guys, stop being such moms for once in your lives! “No! Wait--” Alan coughed into his hand to clear his throat. He looked away while doing so and then looked back at John with one of his familiar sly grins, “John, Godrz, I swear I’m good. It just took a little bit more to stabilize this part of the rocket. Just give me a few minutes to finish up and then I will be right there to celebrate with you all, got it?"

John contemplated his brother’s words before conceding. Alan was a trained member of IR. His judgment could even be better than theirs sometimes, “Okay.” John leaned his head out of the hologram for a moment before leaning back in with a cheeky grin, “Hey, don’t let Scott know I told you this, but if you want to rush your diagnostics, go ahead. I won’t blame you.”

Alan felt himself snickering along with Gordon. Yeah, this was the right thing to do, “FAB, Johnny, my lips are sealed.”

With a wave, John cut his video feed, leaving Alan in utter silence. Letting out a sigh of relief, Alan let his arms fall to his sides. Everything was going to be okay. Dad was back and could pilot the Zero-X in his place, his brothers would get back a vital part of their childhoods, The Hood would leave his family alone (Kayo would thank him for that one if she could), and things would go back to what it once was.

... He felt really dirty. He abused John’s trust for a reason his older brothers were going to hate themselves for. Alan was allowed to feel regret, right? Because--

Suddenly, Alan felt an arm around his shoulders bringing his tiny body to be closer to someone else. Okay, Alan wants to take it back, this is awful! God, he might genuinely throw up-- John wait--

“Aw, don’t be like that,” The Hood stated coyly, “After all, it appears we will have plenty of time to get to know one another. Better sooner than later, right?” The laughter that rung out in the room sounded like it came from an 80s sitcom dad.

Sweating bullets, Alan grinned in a way even a literal brick wall would know it was forced. So this is what it's like to walk into the pits of hell, good to know.

---

Scott couldn’t really describe what he was feeling at the moment.

The best word he could come up with was elation because holy fuck:

Dad was finally back.

When he stepped into the cockpit with the rest of his family, the world turned upside down, and in a good way. The first to leap out of his seat was Gordon, of course, but also with tears streaming down his face as he flung himself into his father’s arms for the first time in nearly a decade. Scott couldn’t remember for the life of him the last time Gordon genuinely cried. And he meant genuine, I can’t believe this is happening tears, not Gordon, it’s a fictional movie-- But they’re still puppies, Scott! tears.

Slowly stepping back, Gordon moved out of the way for John, who finally initiated a hug himself with no need for bribery, no need for Scott to promise there’s no ulterior motive behind a goddamn hug. John started talking about what he could add to his room back on the island now that I’ll be down more often and Scott thought himself would burst into tears.

Then there was Virgil. Oh, Virgil, who had the best teddy bear hugs in the entire galaxy, was holding back when it came to his dad as if the middle Tracy squeezed too hard the image in front of him would shatter into itty bitty little pieces that he couldn’t put back together again.

And Scott? Scott felt like he could finally breathe again. His dad being back meant he didn’t have to shoulder, well, everything in their lives anymore. At least, not like before. No more needing to be at every Tracy Industries conference, no more needing to be the constant head of IR relations. Sure, Scott wasn’t going to just drop it all, he’s not an asshole, but one day it’ll be a co-piloted effort, in a sense.

It was also going to be nice to just have an extra head around the house, for more than one reason. Chores won’t be so abundant, Grandma might not cook as often, Scott also needed help getting Alan a geography tutor of some kind, and their dad was always incredible at--

Oh, shit. Wait, where was Alan?

Scott bounded toward his four family members who were currently laughing as if nothing were wrong anymore, “Guys, where’s Alan?”

Both Virgil and Jeff jumped, the beginnings of guilt filling their bodies. Shit, of course, that should’ve been the first thing they asked! Before the self-hate train could leave the station, John waved them off in an attempt to calm them down, “Alan’s down in room C6, remember? We sent him down there to keep the ship stable while you two went out to find Dad’s signal.”

Gordon was wiping away his remaining tears as he grinned his biggest grin ever. He started walking out of the room to where his younger brother was waiting, “Y-Yeah, considering he piloted the rocket, we figured he would be better staying inside to keep it in one piece for the flight home.”

Jeff blinked. Alan did?...

A grin spread across his face at the news, a sharp bark of laughter exiting his chest before he could stop it, “Man, I knew he would be just as you guys one day. I’m just surprised it came so soon!”

Scott blinked at his father before his shoulders relaxed, “Yeah, no kidding. I can’t wait for him to tell you all his stories. Some of them are really killer.”

Jeff directed his grin towards Scott, ruffling the brunette's hair like all those years ago, “Me neither! Lead the way, boys.”

They all mindlessly chatted as they made their way to the youngest’s location, unaware of what was about to befall the family. They got to the place Alan stated he would be at and gave each other one last look. Their expressions were giddy: it felt like they were about to jump out and say Surprise! like one of Alan’s birthday parties.

Scratch ‘like’, it pretty much was that.

The door shhed open to a dark room, sending shivers down the family’s spine and killing the mood instantaneously. “Uh, Allie?” Virgil yelled out into the chillier-than-normal room. Suddenly the lights came on, blinding them for just a second. When they reopened their eyes, everyone’s heart dropped to the floor. Gordon would swear he heard five different, distinct thunks in the future.

Because Alan was very much not in the room, which meant he wasn’t keeping everything 'stable' like he said he would. The older Tracys wouldn’t be freaking out so much (maybe Alan just went to get air somewhere else? Heh) if it weren’t for the fact that Alan’s IR sash was laid on top of the control panel. It would’ve been more reassuring if it wasn’t so neatly folded either, to be honest.

The four brothers didn’t even think as they sprinted over to the scene.

Gordon and Virgil mindlessly grabbed the sash and unfolded it, as if their youngest brother were somehow hiding inside the object that was five times smaller than he was. Scott and John rushed over to the control panel and ran a quick but effective diagnostics to figure out what the hell just happened. Meanwhile, Jeff blinked a few times before gaining a serious look (John would later call it the good old fashion Jeff Tracy rage) as he went to join his two eldest sons in their scramble to figure out the why.

With a few beeps signaling the end of the diagnostic, John flinched before shakily bringing his hand to his chin, “This has been stable for the past 20 minutes...”

Scott bristled in anger, not at John, never at his brothers, but at the implications of those words, “What the hell does that mean?!”

John sharply inhaled before looking his older brother dead in the eyes, an emotion between fear and anger stirring within, “It means, Scott, that Alan was a dirty liar.”

Before Scott could question even further, Gordon piped up from his search of the red sash. His tan seemed much paler all of a sudden, “We... we called Alan right before you guys brought Dad back. He said he had to stay here to make sure everything continued smoothly as he just got it stabilized.”

Jeff could feel the self-loathing rolling off of his sons in waves. He wasn’t sure how to comfort them, though, as he wasn’t exactly sure how to anymore. He was sure he could have, but that idea flew right out the window when Virgil mentioned John didn’t really like surprise hugs nowadays (apparently, he "barely liked hugs longer than 5 seconds in the first place"). His second-born loved nothing more than to be swept off his feet from behind back when, well...

Plus, he has always tried his best to never be a hypocrite. He couldn’t help but feel responsible, just a little bit, “Boys, I can’t help but apologize for everything that appears to be happening. I--”

Before Jeff could continue, or any of his sons could argue with his apparent apology, Virgil finally got sick of the tension and aggressively shook Alan’s sash once more, causing a tiny roll of paper to fall out of the pocket. The one Alan specifically requested Grandma to sew on for him when the senior Tracy got the time.

Every family member present jumped as they felt their stomach rip in half. They all looked around at each other with anxiety clear in their eyes... but Jeff noticed that none of his sons looked at him. Clearly, they weren’t used to him being there just yet. Well, he might as well make up for lost time.

He took a step forward and bent over so he could grab the slip. Before he could blink, Scott snapped out of his funk and grabbed it much faster. Jeff didn’t even have a second to reassure his eldest it was okay before Scott rolled open the slip of paper and read it to himself.

Chaos reigned when his only response was to fall to his knees and drop the horrifying message.

“Scott?!” Virgil cried out. Both he and Gordon ran to their oldest brother’s side to find some way to measly comfort him. Meanwhile, John felt something akin to a panic attack coming on. What could Scott have read that made him react like that? John couldn’t move, so Jeff bit the bullet and finally picked up the note himself.

John was abruptly brought out of his head when he heard his father whimper. Yes, whimper, as if he were a baby deer that just got hit by a speeding car. Moving on autopilot, John walked over to his father’s side as the older man covered his hand with his mouth.

Jeff registered movement at his side. Not looking up, he shoved the note to whoever wanted to read it. More guilt filled the back of his head. He shouldn’t be subjecting his sons to this, he should try and protect them, but he would be lying if he said that didn’t feel pointless.

No, not Alan, not their baby.

Shaking slightly, John gripped the note to the point of wrinkles without looking at it. Inhaling once more, John ripped the bandaid off and read what was tearing his family apart one by one.

John was suddenly thankful he didn’t eat his bagel that morning. The last thing he wanted to do was throw up over all of his remaining family.

Do you remember what the alchemists in the olden days based their theories off of, Jeff?

Don’t worry if you can’t remember, I can just tell you.

It was a little something called The Law of Equivalent Exchange.

I win, Tracy. I always do.

[maree-ff]

How Could You?

CAMILA

I carefully took a seat on the couch, sinking into the material, feeling my body expand against my clothes. Bringing my hands to his back, I used the song in my head to guide the motion of my hands to keep Jorden at ease. He’s working through his second nap of the day and I’m doing everything I can to keep as still as I can. I want Jorden to catch up on his sleep now that the house is quiet again. With the girls at school and Andre working in his office, this is the perfect time for him to sleep. Dre and I have both been waking up at random times throughout the night for the past two weeks. Jo has been waking the house up screaming his head off. Each night is worse than the last. 

Our first taste of this when Jorden was around six weeks old. Back then we found a quick method to soothe him while he was resting after the third night. Now, exactly two years later, we’re going through the same thing. Again. This phase of his bad dreams are on another level. His cries and screams are bloodcurdling. With me still adjusting to being at home mom as my full-time job, I’m at rock bottom. Not working and making my own money is a foreign aspect of life for me. I don’t like this change. I hate this. I love being with my son everyday, teaching him new things, being able to monitor what he’s eating, drinking, and involved in. Honestly, it’s all a blessing in the midst of the madness. 

My feet have been sore for a week now, I have knots in my muscles and joints, my migraines have kicked up a notch, and my hair is shedding. Andre has been paying very close attention to my behavior and he’s about to figure out that I’m hanging on by a thread. I’d say that I’ve done a pretty damn good job of keeping myself composed but I don’t know how much longer I can hang on. At a time like this I’d love nothing more than to hug and talk to my mother. The memories of finding about her accident and death have come back full circle, with a vengeance this time! 

Around the time I lost my mom I was almost full term with Jorden so I never got to grieve properly. I had to keep myself together as best I could so I didn’t go into early labor, have a nervous breakdown, etc that would’ve harmed my baby. 

A tear rolled down my cheek just getting too deep into thought. 

“Pull it together.”  I whispered aloud. 

I speedily reigned in my emotions, focusing on ensuring my baby is relaxed. He shifted within my hold, turning inward so I can see his face. Cuddling him closer to my chest I re-situated his blanket to keep his back warm. His forehead began to  pinch but I intervened at the perfect moment. Touching my lips to his hairline I closed my eyes, swaying gently from left to right. 

“I promise we’ll get through this bubba.” I spoke quietly to him. “I wish you could tell me what’s scaring you so badly. I wish you would talk to me.” I sniffled feverishly beginning to weep in silence. I’m losing myself in motherhood. Not knowing how to stop Jorden’s bad dreams and not knowing what causes them is taking a toll on me. Combined with the other changes in my life, I feel like I am about to crack. 

The floor shook slightly as Andre came closer to this room. It took two seconds for me to stop crying only to start up again. That first step he took into the room I shielded my face in Jo’s hair. This way my demise won’t seem so obvious. 

“Mmph..” Jo squirmed and fidgeted, raising his hand to tug at his hair. Easily I stopped him before I felt Andre looking in our direction. 

“How’s he doing?” He asked first. 

“Okay so far. He’s still squirming and pulling at his hair but no crying yet. You still have work to do?” 

“Yeah. Yeah I’ll be done in a couple of hours.” 

That was the end of our conversation. For now at least. We usually keep conversation brief until Jorden is further into his naps. I continued to clear my head of all negativity and remained focused on my baby. With only my ears I picked up on Andre cleaning our room and folding the laundry I washed this morning. 

For a two year old who comprehends extremely fast, Jorden still has trouble talking. He always tries but his words come out jumbled together. I’m in shock that at this age, my son isn’t speaking in at least half sentences. Andre is a little more patient when it comes to teaching Jo new words and phrases which is why he volunteers for the task. I on the other hand get frustrated because I don’t understand what’s going on with our son on a chemical level. 

I have bombarded Denise with many rounds of twenty-one questions as to where I went wrong in my pregnancy. She’s told me at the end of every hospital visit that I did nothing wrong. None of Jo’s learning abilities make any sense to me. Why is he struggling? How can I help him? How long will this last? 

“Look at me..” 

Turning to meet the eyes of my best friend I averted my sights down to his lap. I can’t keep this up much longer but the last thing I want to do is fight with Andre over the same subject. 

“Why are you trying to hide from me? I know you Camila so why don’t you just talk to me?” He advised.

I shook my head as a sign of disagreement, rubbing Jorden’s bareback. “There’s nothing to talk about. I just wish we knew why he keeps waking up in the middle of the night, screaming at the top of his lungs.” 

“You must think I’m stupid or that we just met yesterday.” 

“I’m not thinking either one.” Switching Jorden to my right side I watched him go back to cleaning. He left the room for around five minutes and returned with Jo’s laundry. We resumed our conversation and I decided to open up more about what’s going on within me. 

Together we discussed different scenarios that could be behind the reason Jo keeps having nightmares. A few explanations started making sense to me and ultimately we decided we have to monitor what Jorden hears and sees a little more. He can’t be around when we’re fighting, we have to work on our issues in private and do better at keeping the peace in front of our kids. 

“I’m just scared that he won’t make any progress within the next year. I’m scared he won’t want to talk.” Breathing out through my mouth I threw my head back in the couch. 

“He will. We have to be patient and let him talk when he’s ready, Camila. The more we force him the more he pulls back.” Andre fought. 

“I know that but he’s already two years old. You don’t wonder why he’s not progressing? You don’t wonder why he’s not at least showing more interest in using his words?” 

“Camila..” Andre huffed. Our eyes met and in this moment I can sense how agitated he’s becoming with me.  “How many times are we gonna go over this? Let him be. I don’t understand why you’re trying to put this pressure on him to do something he doesn’t seem to be ready for. Denise said that he will start speaking in his own time. The only thing we need to be doing is prepping and teaching him. The rest is up to him.” He argued boldly. 

Peering down at Jorden wiggling around in my lap I watched him turn his face up to me. His lips squished together, the tips of fingers resting against his cheek and tiny lines etched on his forehead. I kissed each individual crease to help soothe his mind from whatever he’s thinking. 

“Lo siento mucho, mi amor. I must have done something wrong to cause you all of this trouble.” I whispered against his cheek. “I should’ve read to you more, played better music and spent less time stressing so you wouldn’t be progressing so slowly.” Hugging him tightly I ran my fingers through his hair. 

“Excuse you?” 

Glancing up from what had my attention I looked at Andre seeing this strong look of disappointment in his eyes. 

“What?” I retorted. 

“What did you just say to him?” 

“I was apologizing to him for all of the things I didn’t do while I was preg-“ 

“Nah don’t do that. Don’t try to cover it up now.” 

Not understanding what Andre is upset about I went back to talking to Jo. 

“So you’re just gonna ignore me? I asked you a question Camila.” Coming to stand in front of me Andre used his feet to support the weight of his body. He crouched down before me, appearing defensive and ready to strike. 

“Can you stop staring at me? I didn’t say anything wrong.” I defended myself. 

“So now you think it’s okay to call our son “slow”? Are you out of your goddamn mind? What the hell is wrong with you? Why would you say that?” He rambled off. His eyes bounced between Jorden and I, seeming to get more and more riled up. 

“First of all, you need to watch your mouth. Secondly, I did not call him slow. I said that he’s progressing slowly. Sl-ow-ly.” I broke down each syllable so he can hear exactly what I said. 

“And now you want to speak to me like I’m stupid. Alright.” Standing to his feet Andre moved in, taking Jorden from me. 

“Wow, this is what you’re resorting to? Why are you taking him from me?” Rising from the couch I followed him down the hall. “How old are we, Andre? Can you stop for a second and talk to me?”

“Enough!” He barked. He spun halfway around and to my surprise Jo did not wake up at the volume of his father’s voice. We had an intense stare off. After I came to my senses, I looked around our house trying to figure out who this man thinks he’s speaking to like that. 

“Put him down.” I said. Andre didn’t even flinch. He stands strong, holding our son, with hard eyes and an even harder face. “Put him down, right now.” I said again. 

Andre hesitated for a quick second and took Jo into the girl’s room to lay down. When he shut that door I charged toward him, closing all space between us and shoved him with all my night. He lost his footing for a quick second but his reflexes saved him from falling. 

“I don’t know who the hell you think you are talking to me like that but you need to get your shit together!” Composing myself I pulled down my shirt and stood my ground. 

“Don’t put your hands on me like that.” He warned sternly. 

Huffing like an angry bull I shook my head. “And you will not talk to me like you’re god or that you own me like I am property. I am not your child so I do not have to listen to you.” 

“How dare you? How dare you talk down to my son like that! How could you have sat there and labeled him like he’s some sort of science experiment? How could you talk badly about him to his face?” Andre stormed past me and headed back to our room, pacing back and forth. 

I followed suit to continue this debate once the door was cracked. “He is my son too! He is ours together! I carried him, I nourished him, I gave him life and is still to this very day nursing him myself! Don’t you ever again in your life come for my role in our son’s life. Don’t you ever twist my words around to make me sound like the bad guy. I would never say such a thing about our little boy. Never! I am the only person to blame for why he’s not where he could be. You have NO  idea what it’s like to adjust to a new baby, take care of two children, fill your shoes and still take care of myself.” 

“That doesn’t give you the right to say that he’s progressing slowly. That’s fucked up and it’s even more so that you’re trying to cover it up! I’ve apologized for being absent for as long as I was. How long are you hang that over my head? Huh? You think I purposely set myself up? You think it was easy being a prisoner? That was hell for me, Camila! Absolute hell and after all that I’ve done to try and makeup for my mistakes, you still blame me!” 

“Because I needed you, dammit! I needed you like plants need sunlight and water.” Pausing momentarily I shielded my face and let it all out. My mom and Divya have both warned me about holding things in, especially for long periods of time. “Andre, I have never said or believed that what you went through was easy. I’m sure being in prison is extremely difficult but I had to take your place. I had no choice but to be everything and more to our kids to keep us going. No one is diminishing your pain and suffering but take a second to think about how hard it was for me to play both roles.” 

I sat down ready to explain myself more. “I love you and our kids with all of my heart but I’m miserable. Jorden isn’t talking, he’s not sleeping well, I’m not working to provide for myself, and I-I feel like I’m losing it. I blame myself for why he is this way and my mothers gone. I wasn’t allowed the chance to grieve how I needed to because I was keeping it together for Jorden. The anxiety that I felt going back to work immediately following my maternity leave was so challenging for me. You’re back to providing for us all and while I’m so very grateful and appreciate, I miss making my own money. That feeling of providing for our kids just as much as you is gone and I’m lost on how to get it back.” Sharply exhaling I curled up in child’s pose, staring blankly at this new bedspread. 

“Why are you bottling your feelings up until the last second? You never used to do that with me.” His caring tone matched the voice in my head that sounds like my mom. I can hear her speaking to me and it’s bringing forth a lot of mixed emotions right now.

“I don’t know. I never thought I’d be this exhausted, Andre.”

Sitting next to me Andre turned me on my back so that we’re face to face. “Do you need to getaway by yourself? I can make that happen if you feel that you truly need it.” 

“I don’t want or need that.” I simply declined.

“Then what do you need?” He countered, laying beside me.

“For you not to pick fights with me. We’ve got too much at stake to-”

He  motioned for me to stop talking which means that he knew where I was going with my statement. “I know. I don’t like fighting with you either and I’m sorry for getting you riled up. I took what you said out of context and I apologize. We’re in this estranged and unfamiliar place but that’s no excuse for us to go at each other. Our relationship has changed baby but I don’t love you any less.” Andre lifted my left hand and ran his thumb pad across the tan line that hasn’t faded from my where my ring used to be. He softly kissed my hand, released it and left the room.  

I sat up in bed, sniffling my heart away, drooling at him undress at a snail's pace. Quietly exiting to check on Jorden I felt my tears amplify. Reviewing our petty yet important debaucal I stood in the doorway watching our little boy sleep soundly. His soft snores give away that he’s going to get a great nap this afternoon. The rising volume from the bathroom caught my attention again. My feet picked up speed before my brain could tell them to move. I stumbled a bit as my heart raced from within watching my man in the shower, all alone. 

Even though we have called off our engagement, he’s still my lover. He’s my everything. He’s part of the reason I live and breathe. Going backwards to shut our door I retracted yet again, discarding my own clothes. Discreetly yet using some noise I joined him with tears still rolling down both cheeks. With ease I shut the door feeling the temperature inside my body rise.

I snaked both hands up his back, up and over his shoulders.getting lost in the muscle mass and definition. “Lo siento mucho..” I exhaled, going in to kiss his left shoulder blade. 

“You don’-” he began. 

I silenced him abruptly. “I do.” Carrying on with my antics earned me the secure feeling of knowing where I stand within his heart. We are apart but we are one. We always will be. He is my better half as I am his. 

[lovemesomesurveys]

Name:  Stephanie.

Country: USA.

Age:  31.

Gender(s): Female

Height:  ~5′4

weight:  70-something lbs.

eye color: Brown.

skin color:  White.

Heritage: I’ve been really wanting to do one of those ancestry dna or 23 and me tests to find out exactly what I am. Relationship status:  Single.

Are you physically healthy?  No.

Are you mentally healthy? Nope

Job?:  No job.

school:  I graduated college back in 2015.

Favs:

Animal:  Dogs and giraffes.

Flower:  I don’t really have one.

Movie:  I have many favorites.

TV show: I have many favorites.

Music:  I like variety.

Band:  One of them will always be Linkin Park.

Video Game: Mario Bros games and Animal Crossing: New Horizon

Gaming Console: Nintendo Switch.

Name:  Alexander. ;)

Person:  My family.

Love life:

1: Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend? Nope.

2: Do you love them? 

3: Are you still in love with an ex? No.

4: How many people have you dated?  Two.

5: Do you think you’ll get married?  No.

6: Have you ever been emotionally/physically abused in a relationship?  No.

7: Have you ever hurt your partner by accident without knowing it? I’m single, but no I don’t think I have in the past. But if I didn’t know it then I wouldn’t know?

8: Whats important to you in a relationship?  Communication, trust, understanding, patience.

9: Do you have to see them everyday? ( or hear from them)? I’m singleeee. 

10: Do you think you can love someone within 2 weeks? I personally don’t think so.

Friendship and Family:

1: How many friends do you have?  Zero.

2: What type of friend are you?  Not a good one anymore.

3: Have you ever been friends with someone for longer than 7 years? Yeah. My former best friend and I were friends for almost 15 years.

4: Do you have one best friend, more or none?  One, my mom. 

5: Have you ever had a friend just stop being your friend and you never knew why?  Yes.

6: Do you get along with family?  Yes.

7: Do you have a family member you hate?  No.

8: Does your family accept who you are?  Yes.

9: Are you an only child or have siblings?  I have 2 brothers. 

10: Do you have parents that still live together? Yes.

School:

1:What grade are you in? I’m not.

2: Are you in Middle, High, or college? ( or neither)?  Neither, like I said I graduated college back in 2015.

3: Whats your favorite class?  English was always my favorite. In college I enjoyed most of my psych classes.

4: Do you have a fav school year?  Elementary school years.

5: Are you a good student?  I was, yeah.

6: Do you think homework is good or bad?  I wouldn’t say it’s good or bad. I mean, I get seeing if you’re understanding then material and whatnot and applying it. I guess it depends on the amount assigned and what type of assignment it is. 

7: Have you ever had a teacher who was really funny but had poor teaching skills?  Yes.

8: Is your GPA high or low?  It was high.

9: Do you like to particpate in conversations in the class room or are you the listener?  I was definitely a listener. I haaaaated classes that made class discussion apart of your grade.

10: Do you take part in extra school events? (eg. Plays, sports, leadership,clubs)? I was in clubs in high school and the psych club in college, even serving as a board member.

Health

1: Do you need to lose or gain weight?  I definitely need to put on some weight.

2: Have you ever had the swine flu? (H1n1)  No. I remember being scared about getting it and that whole thing wasn’t even on the level of covid. 

3: Do you like to go to the doctors?  Nooo. I’ve had more than my share of doctor appointments of all different kinds all throughout my life. They still make me anxious and stressed out, they’re definitely not something I find enjoyable.

4: Have you ever puked in school or at work?  I remember getting sick once in kindergarten and having to rush outside to the trash can.

5: Have you ever been extremely sick where you couldnt even leave your bed? Yes, I’ve experienced that several times.

6: Do you hate puking or does it make you feel better? I hate actually doing it, but afterwards I usually do feel better. There are times where it gets to the point where I wish I would just do it already and get it over with cause I know it’d help me feel better. That’s when I’m really not feeling well.

7: Have you ever coughed up blood?  No.

8: Should you be eating healthier ? Yes.

9: Do you lie to your doctor?  I downplay some things or not share certain things, admittedly. :X

10: Have you ever taken too much advils?  No. That would make me sick.

Mental Health:

1: Do you have a mental illness?  Yes.

2: Do you take anti-depressants? No.

3: Are you mentally stable?  Uhhh.

4: Have you ever been misdiagnosed? Yes.

5: Do you think you have an disorder but havent been properly diagnosed yet? Maybe.

6: Is self diagnosing good or bad? I don’t see an issue with researching yourself and thinking you may have something, but it’s important to take that information to a doctor. However, sadly I know that not everyone is able to do that. And I also have a problem with doing that myself, which I think can cause unnecessary stress. I also think people tend to throw around labels and say they have something when they don’t. Gah, it’s a slippery slope.

7: Should we give more money to mental health research?  Yes, absolutely.

8: Do you think everyone has a chance to over come their mental disorders?  I think many can learn to better manage some of them, but I feel like they’re always going to be there. 

9: Would you ever not date someone if they had a severe disorder? ( Schizophrenia,BPD, mood disorders)? I don’t know and I’m probably horrible for saying that. I have my mental disorders and I know it can be a lot for people to be around and handle. I just... I don’t know if I’d be able to be there for them in a way they might need ya know? I lack the experience. I can’t say no for certain. I think it would just really depend on the situation and if I learned more about it. 

10: Does mental illness run in your family? Yes.

SEX

1: Virgin?  Yes.

2: what age did you lose it? 3: Did you take sex ed? 6th grade, middle school, and a health and psych class my freshman year in high school.

4: Does size matter?

5: Whats your favorite poistions?

6: Does virginity exist? I believe so. I know some feel it’s not a real thing or a social construct, but to me it’s a thing. It’s someone who hasn’t had sex. When you have sex, you’re said to have lost your virginity and to me that just means in the very literal sense that you’re not a virgin anymore. I’m not referring to it as something deeper. Although, it can be for some people. And while I don’t think it’s like losing some part of yourself or something life altering, I personally feel like I would feel a change in some way. I also want to add that it’s something I want “lose” or share with someone special. I don’t know, man. I’m sure I’m not explaining it well. It’s just a personal thing.

7: Do you think sex is overated?  I wouldn’t know.

8: Is making love and fucking different? One just sounds more romantic and slow and passionate and the other sounds rough lol 9: Is it important for both genders to understand eachothers bodies?  Yeah.

10: If someone was a virgin and was raped, did they lose their virginity? If it’s not consensual or your choice then you can choose not to count it is how I see it. Like yes, technically they’ve had sex, but something so horrific and traumatic doesn’t count. Losing their virginity should be done their way, with someone they want to share that with. In the situation they were raped, they’re allowed to take their power and control back and count it when they do so with someone they want to do, consensually. 

Check the box:

1.My hair color is: [x] Brown [] Black [] Blonde [x]Red [] Funky colors [] Auburn [] more than one color <<< It’s a mix of my natural color and red because I haven’t dyed it since February.

2.Eye color: []Blue []Grey [x]Brown []Light brown []dark brown []green []amber [] I have two different colors of eyes

3.I am a : []Male [x] Female []Trans Male [] Trans Female []Gender Fluid [] I dont have a gender []Non Binary [] other

4: I am: []Fit [] Average [x]Skinny []Fat

5: I love my : [x]Hair []Eyes []Smile []Teeth []Skin []everything about myself []None of these.  <<< Italicized because I only like my hair when it’s been dyed and my roots aren’t showing haha... unlike now.

6: I hate my: [x]Hair []eyes [xx]smile [x]teeth [x]skin [x] everything about myself [] I dont hate anything about myself

7: My feet are: [x]Small []Wide []Narrow []long []large [x]Ugly []Pretty

8: I have a hard time: []Finding something to wear [x]Making Friends [x] making food [x]staying focused

9: I am: []Employed [x]Not employed []retired []I can’t work []Self employed []Looking for a job

10: I love: []the moon []the sun [x]the stars []our galaxy []planets

Bold what is true:

I am Funny

I am a girl

I have no hair

I have curly hair

^ I hate it

I have straight hair

I have a dog

I have a cat

I have both

I love to get drunk

I don’t drink

I love to smoke weed but i hate smoking cigarettes

I love both

I rather have one best friend than 20 friends who i am not close with

My dad died

My mom died

My parents are both dead

My parents are alive

I like to touch my bruises

I have funny teeth

I love Mcdonalds fries

Sometimes when Im alone I sing as loud as I can

even if i cant sing

I believe in God

I believe in the butterfly affect

I hate video games

I wish I was taller

I can’t understand math

I am very good at writing an essay

I never had sex before

I love Mac N Cheese

I love Disney Movies

I prefer Dreamswork over Walt Disney

I am going to College

I finished college

I wish I went to college

I hate my job

I am the boss at my job

I have a feelings for a friend but i cant tell them because it would ruin our friendship

^ I have feelings and i told them

I wish soda was healthy

I sleep with the window opened

This survey was too long

[stepfbdbamby]

1. So now to the diet on of the most important things.

Why? Cause a slender figure helps you a lot to look more like a girl.

 Healthy Eating/Diet To become the perfect sissy bimbo the figure is an essential part of your existence. You can train all you want, but training will only form your body a good figure is 80% based on your eating habits. Here I will give you easy simple tips. What are the important things that I am looking for in this to make it work? It must be flexible and easy, so it can work for everyone and is easy adaptable.

1. Don't eat between meals. (Exception you are going to train - we will handle this topic later in this blog). - There are arguments that you should smaller meals more frequently during the day This is often said by people that do regular training. My counter argument is that you should see training as a different thing. For training you don't "eat" but you look that you have enough energy and the right stuff for training and recovery. So you don't really "eat" between meals, but more you look for the right state of nutrients and energy for the training and then recovery phase. 

- why I am against eating between meals beside for training reasons. a) Intermittent fasting has proven to be beneficial. ! I don't suggest you do it, but it shows that there are benefits to have time between meals! b) It helps you to learn about your hunger and appetite. Often when we eat between meals we have forgotten how it is to really be hungry. Which is understandable in a time where we just have to walk to the fridge to get food. c) It gives you clear guidelines. You have 3 meals beside meals for training and that's it. d) your body can relax. If your body is constantly in the process of eating it is stressful. TIP- Have cucumbers around to eat when you have the feeling you need to eat something now.- Have them already prepared!!! Cause if you get stressed or craving and they are not already there you won't clean a cucumber then. It is better to throw away one or two (If you don't want to waste food - believe me if you are a stress eater you are much worse for nature than when you throw away 1-2 cucumbers per week but then become a normal eater).

2. Healthy meals A great suggestion is to split your plate into three separate parts. (PICTURE 2) This helps you in a few ways - You eat lots of vegetables and fiber, - you have a simple way to check if you have good nutritions

- you don't have so much doing a calorie count cause the plate regulates it for you automatically.

What you still have to look out for?

a) potatoes, green peas, corn, and squash. Kidney beans, pinto beans, lima beans, black-eyed peas, and lentils are not vegtables but should be seen as healthy starches. b) be carfull with sauces, fats (butter etc.) they are delicious but often huge calories. c) the plate should be normal stacked. Don't cheat yourself by only taking one plate and stack it up to the brim with food.

Know how much calories you need per day & how much additional you need when training. You shouldn't count calories but you should have more or less overview how much food you need per day approximately.

& Plan your shopping and cooking ahead and don't let yourself drive too much by your own appetite.

- You can still adapt your meals if you really crave for something, then change your meal to it as long you have a healthy version

& replace rice, pasta, potatoes, bread with healthy alternatives but still eat them from time to time cause to reduce cravings. 

3. Accept your cravings even the bad ones, but also understand what the body tries to tell you.

Here I gave an example: I had once a college that always craved chocolate cake - he eats it often as lunch. I told him that the craving is only the animalistic part of him that craves for engery sugars and fats. He should try a good alternative. Some meat that has a bit more fat in its well seasoned - not salt, but more herbs and spices, fruits and good carbs and as dessert a little bit of dark chocolate. It solved his cravings.

So always think if I could eat chocolate all day, then your body wants to tell something but because chocolate can't be the solution we need to understand what It needs. - google about cravings. & Don't deny yourself some stuff you like. pizza, burger, fries everything is ok as long as you don't overdo it. But with time you should replace it with healthy alternatives.

4. No cheat days or if then make a healthy version. This stupid 10000 calories, pizza, fried food, donuts will stress your body so much you will need a week to recover. Yes, it pushes your metabolism up so you burn more, but at the same time you will achieve a healthy weight by just eating healthy and normal. & Add the stuff you like to your meals. If you want a sugarglaced and filled donut. Take one, but maybe only eat a third or half of your meal as dessert and the rest the next day.

5. Time between meals. Have at least 4 hours and maximal 7 between meals during the day. - Everything under 4 hours you still are processing your food. Everything over 7 hours you go into the craving mode. At 7 hours you will have already a few hunger phases, but not craving already. 

5. Learn to understand hunger/appetite/fullness/empty stomach. - Many that have a weight problem and eat during meals are not used to have the body not processing food. It makes people having a need to eat often again, that's why waiting at least 4 hours is so important.

- Learning what is hunger and what is apostate. Waiting at least 4 hours will teach you when you just would like to eat stuff or when you are really hungry. - Learn that hunger goes away you have to wait for about 20min. No matter how hungry you think you are but it will stop. The body needs to spend energize to send you hunger signals if after 20min nothing happens he will stop doing it to save energy. ! But after 7h you should always eat something! By then you might have 2-3 hunger phases already. Mostly it is one phase per hour. After 7h the body will not start with hunger, but with cravings which are worse because then comes the time you go into frenzy eating.

6, Start a food diary Do not count calories!!! But a diary helps you to become more conscious about when and what you are eating. If you go over my tips over and over again and start do a diary you will become more and more conscious of your eating habits and this will help you to change them with time.

7. Chew all your food well If you eat fast or swallow before you chewed the food well it will these following negative effects.  - It is bad for your digestion which can lead to problems with stomach and intestines which can lead to problems with time - it helps you to digest things better, helps you to get more nutrition and more vitamines in your body - cause you eat more consciousness your food you will taste it more and it will satisfy you more which leads to less cravings during day.

TIP for this: - Heat up your plate so the food doesn’t cool down so fast when you eat slower - Put down your cutlery between each bites this will help you to get used to chew your food properly 

8. !!!! No processed food!!!! The problem of processed food, or food that is created especially to taste delicious, makes your body addicted to it and crave it even more. Why I explain in the later part. The same goes for sodas. Tips for all that have a problem not to eat between meals and/or are stressed eater! First: Welcome to the club: I myself am a stress eater too and I struggled all my life with being overweight. I still am but I have it manageable under control and slowly going down by trying to do the stuff above. What you read is a lot of my own experience and by searching on the the internet.

Why is this so important! READ THIS! Your body's job is to keep it going. To achieve this it doesn't have the capacity for self reflection. So our body still exists in ancient time where we didn't have any processed food and when we didn't have a supermarket or just could go to the fridge to eat something. Further more can't our body grasp the concept of prepared food that was especially created to taste delicious - perfect combination of salty, sweet, fatty etc.

This leads to these following problems: 1. Our body sees processed food as hightly valuable cause the information he gets by taste signal him that this food is full of nutrions. For example: Sodas are overly sweet - the body sees this as a high recource of vitamine cause it interprets it as a ripe fruite.

The results in the problem, that our body starts to crave this food cause he sees it as hightly valuable which leads to the next problem.

2. Cause our body is always in survival mode and tries to keep the engine going. Valuable food he sees as important to consume. Cause the body doesn't know we have supermarkets or fridges. So he gives us the input that as soon such food is available, we need to consume it. Which leads to the problem that we have lost our feeling of when to eat and when not. 

Summery and how to lose weight in short:

1. Chew well: This will help you more then any other diet thing. Forget the right food or intermitten fasting etc. If you chew right you are about 50% at your right weight already. How to achieve this? - Take more time for you meal. If you chew better you will take more time. If you always take only 5 minutes for your meal and stuff yourself like a goose you will never make progress  - put down your cutlery during every bite. It will take time to get used to but if you have the next bit already on your fork in front of your mouth you wont chew anyway. Your body is programmed to open its mouth when foot is presented to it.  - Chew well: I mean really the food should be mush. And if it is already mush at least have your salvia coated everything - like 10 bites or 6-7 turnarounds with your tongue.

minor tips:  - hot plate for hot meals: So your food doesn’t get cold when you eat slower. - smaller bites: But as long you chew really well that isn’t so the important point.

Result/Benifit: - less problems with digestion and prevention of diseases: A well chewed meal that is well coated with saliva will help the body to process it much easier - which also puts less stress on the body - therefore less diseases.  - better nutrition: Because a well chewed meal helps to extract more nutrition which makes a meal more healthier (well junkfood will still be junkfood but you know what I mean) - you will eat less automaticly (reasons)   a) The more time you need for your meal will help to reduce appetite and hunger beceause on the process of eating your body will slowely reduce the hunger/appitate.   b) chewing the food better will help you to expereince the nuances and flawors stronger which will help to feel more satisfied with your meal, expereince more endorphines in your brain while eating which leads to the reaction that the body conects more value to the food (better tasting - more nutritions) which will help to reduce cravings and hunger during the day.

2. Have fix times when to eat: For most of us this is a given by job etc. But I suggest you keep this on your weekends and vacations.

How to achieve this:  Min/max between Meals: There are people that might eat only one meal or intermediat fasting etc. but this is what I found out for myself. !!!Training!!! is an exception to this rule cause you need enough energy for training and your body needs energy to recover this should always be implemented with the daily portion planning & that you don’t crash during training or aftwards.  Meals per day:  Only meals that are not connected with any training regime I suggest three.  Many of you might now say. Hey I can’t eat something in the morning. I was the same but there are many reasons to do it. 

[talesfromthegameff14]

Truth is a Blade

[Warnings: Mentions violence, nothing graphic]

The door closed behind me, leaving the warmth of the sun dappled couch and the pervasive scent of flowers and spice behind.  It was colder out here, or at least I assumed it was as I felt the gooseflesh rise up along my arms.  My thoughts occupied all of my awareness, in particularly Arha’s words over and over.  

“...sometimes you're really hypocritical...” 

“Many people are loose-lipped... Saying things they don't mean, in the spur of the moment...” 

"Always... been the one sent to die...?"

"But you still feel like you're the one sent off to die?"

"I wouldn't send you out to die."

It’s been a part of my life for so long I’d forgotten how deep that truth went, how much blood was spilt along that sharpened fact.  It was like a piece of shrapnel left in a wound, sitting, festering, waiting for the impetus to shift and break open flesh, spilling infection into veins, tainting blood and body with the unseen disease that it’s carried for so long.  

Her words were the lance and I was the one to suffer for it.  I didn’t blame her, she spoke a Truth I needed to hear.  It didn’t matter that I wasn’t ready. Truth doesn’t care, it simply exists waiting to be acknowledged and learned.  I could see it for what it was, could feel it in my bones, but I quaked from it.  I wanted to run, needed to try and outrace what was coming, but?  That would be to deny the truth and I owed my sister too much to run from what she said.  

Azim’s damned eye above I wanted to anyway.  However, there was no outrunning truth. Just like there was no outrunning the nothingness that was hard on it’s heels.  Easier to forget, let that fog take it and have it be gone. I, couldn’t.  Not now, I didn’t have the time to fall.  

The harsh laugh that escaped my lips startled me enough that I turned my attention to what was about me instead of within.  Still Ul’dah, quiet and cool with the promise of Starlight in the coming weeks.  This wasn’t safe.  Home would be safe, but I wouldn’t be alone.  No, somewhere else.

Aether flowed and brought me elsewhere, back to the abandoned Ilho on the Steppes near the caves where it all started.  I could see the Dawn Throne from here, seeming to float above the grasslands in all of Azim’s splendor.  It was from his lips that I first heard it, the laughing and jeering as the other hunters commiserated with him over his worthless son.  

“Can’t even die properly when he’s sent out to do so, keeps limping back to the tribe as the sun comes down.”  

“Maybe he’ll grow into his strength?”

“Hah! Better to give him to the Buduga. At least there he’d be of some use warming bedrolls.”

Raucous, derisive laughter drowned out whatever came next.  I remember running before I could hear more, back away from the tribe so I could lick my wounds alone, in the dark.  

That was the first time I heard it, but it wasn’t the one that cut the deepest.  No, she was the first to do it, sending me to the mines with an untended wound and allowing no one to help me. I only survived because someone dared to find a way around her orders, teaching me how to tend to my own wound without healing me herself.  By the time my feet trod upon Doman land I almost expected it.  By the time it did come?  I didn’t just expect it, I felt like I deserved it.  I was xaela after all, savage to the core.  Hadn’t I proved it in the blood of those I was supposed to serve?  Elder Ikue made it clear to me that all I was belonged to her and in turn to Doma.  I was a weapon to be used and nothing more.  

I clearly remembered each time I was sent out, the surprise in the Elder’s eyes that I came back battered but alive grew less and less each time I did so.  Soon enough it was myself and four others that were called to do the impossible.  I hated all of them, but I trusted them with my life.  We knew each other's flaws and strengths better than our own, when to come together to fight and when to scatter to the winds to survive.  We were all so different except in one way, we’d all been marked to die.  Marked, yet refused to do so.  

But now? Now I have a family.  I cut and can be cut and bleed. I am more than a weapon now.  Was, was I more than that then?  Was that all a lie?  

I’ve felt what it’s like to want to die, want it enough to actually go through with the act.  I left that behind over a decade now. By the time I was healed enough to be the Elder’s weapon I realized I wanted to live despite how she sent me out to do the impossible.  It was as I told C’arha, I survived because I wanted to.  

"I'm glad you did."

“Me too, Khti, me too.”

I was surprised by my voice, the harsh croak breaking the silence as if I’d been screaming or crying.  That’s when I felt the wetness under my fingertips on my cheeks and noticed the sun setting off to the west behind me.  When did that happen?  How long had I been standing here caught up in the past?  Hours, it had to be hours.  It couldn’t have been longer than that, could it?  No, hours. I was only thirsty and not overly so.  If it had been longer it would be worse, I knew that too well.  Still, it was dangerous to lose you’re sense of self here, I should go home.  

Yet, I couldn’t take my eyes off of the shadowy force that was the Dawn Throne.  Even in the dark you could still see it from up on high in the western mountains.  I knew he was there, saying the end of the day prayers to Azim, thanking him for another day.  I didn’t want him to have another day. I could feel the rage try to shake loose at that thought, it would be so easy to give into it.   Another savage giving into baser instincts that were so terribly reviled, considered uncivilized, beneath those that  prided themselves on being better than that.  It’s the thing that chased me in Doma, and still does.  Horns and tail and scales marking me as less and more.  Even now, despite the tournament I won being acknowledged and blessed by the Temple Guardian, some whisper about me being not good enough.  

Will I ever be?  Can I ever be more than a weapon sent to my death for Doma?  What more can they want from me to prove my loyalty?  They don’t even know of my mistake, anyone who knows that is dead, soon to be dead, or I know that they will hold the secret to their grave.  

They would never know, wouldn’t care what I did out in the steppes.  But, I’d know, I still felt regret over Odtgerel even though it needed to be done.  Some would call it justice, it kept her from hurting others.  I knew in my heart what it was though, simple vengeance, a blood spilling to try and find some peace from her words that still stung and taunted every time I made a mistake.  

I, I didn’t see my family as savages even if so many in Doma and elsewhere would call them that. Yet, I still tried to hold myself to that elusive standard set by hyur civilizations everywhere.  I had to be better than where I came from, better than others that wear the same horns and scales that I do.  

“...sometimes you're really hypocritical...”

But, is it khti? Is it hypocritical to want to be better? To improve yourself?  But, is this something that has to be improved?  It was beaten into my body and mind that I would always have to be better than those around me to get anywhere.  If I wanted to lead I needed to be more disciplined, be faster and stronger, be more skilled, do everything I could to inspire confidence in those around me so they would see the man first instead of the horns and scales.  

I’ve always wanted so much, so much that I gave up on long ago.  Now I almost have it all, almost.  I have family, I have a place I belong, I have friends and loved ones that see the man and not the scales and horns. Yet, I still want more.  I thought I could find it in Eorzea, but they follow Zareen despite... all of it.  For how much longer it’s impossible to say, but I can’t take it from her.  It would break her and as much as I want what she has I won’t do that again.  

Here? Doma? I could find it in both places, I think.  Here, the ones that made me would haunt me. Constant weight and comparison despite how little each of them gave me past the rutting where I was conceived.  Doma, too many would still see the savage, if two decades hasn’t changed it then nothing will.  Though House Sakanoue, that would be worthy.  I trust her, that.. That could work.  At least I wouldn’t see his shadow every sunset and I’d still have the sky.

There were no easy answers anymore, I knew that.  That was one thing about being a weapon, it was simple then.  Eat, slip, kill, survive, heal, sleep, go to the next.  I won’t ever tell anyone, but I do miss it sometimes.  Not often, but times like this?  I miss it. [ C’arha belongs to @ala-mhinyan Zareen belongs to @yzareenxiv House Sakanoue belongs to @vibrantstillness ]

[dwarrowdams]

So.

Writing has been an important healing tool for me over the past year and a half, so maybe writing about this will help me on my journey towards healing.

Hey, I’m Bree and I have an eating disorder.

TW for negative self-image, internalized fatphobia, and discussion of bingeing/restricting/other ED things below the cut.

It actually started when I was about nine, since that’s when I decided I was fat.  I wasn’t, but I was the tallest and heaviest of all of my friends (most of whom look like they could’ve been blown away by a strong breeze) so I assumed I was fat.  Whenever I said it out loud, other people were all “oh Bree, you’re not fat!” but I’d already made up my mind.

That’s why it was so easy to start bingeing.

When my mom died (just before my eleventh birthday), I kind of fell into the role of emotional caretaker of my dad and sister.  I would listen to them and support them (especially my dad), but when I needed someone to listen, there was no one there.

Know what was there?  Food.

I remember that the first few times I snuck into the kitchen for candy or chips or whatnot, there was this niggling voice in the back of my head.  It wasn’t telling me to deal with my feelings properly or to eat something healthy or even to see if I was hungry.

It was saying “you’ll get fat if you eat that.”

But I already thought I was fat, so it was pretty easy to shut myself up.

Eventually, that voice went away as I kept tiptoeing into the kitchen when my family was away or asleep to munch on something: not because I was hungry, but because there was this gaping emptiness inside of me and I thought that maybe food could heal it.

And that’s when I actually became fat.  I didn’t notice any change, since I’d seen myself as fat for years previously, but my doctor did.  Apparently she told my dad that I must be “stuffing [my] face behind [his] back.” (And yes, those were the exact words used.)

When my dad brought this up, it wasn’t to ask why I’d been eating so much or if something else was wrong.  It was accusatory, and that accusatory tone haunts me to this day.

In retrospect, it seems obvious that something was wrong.  I mean, I was thirteen, had recently lost my mother, and was going through puberty.  Suspecting an eating disorder seems obvious, but I guess my doctors thought that because I came from a “good home” (I mean, I did originally, but that ended when my mom died) and had a “loving parent” (heeeeellllll nooooooo) I must just be fat with no other underlying cause.

I think that’s around the time I started restricting.  I’d skip breakfast and/or lunch regularly.  I watched how much I ate with friends because I didn’t want anyone else to comment on my appearance.  I came to crave that empty feeling that comes with not eating for hours.

But as soon as I was alone, it was back to the kitchen: not because I was really hungry, but because I felt so utterly shitty.

I don’t really remember how long this went on for, but I think it was probably until college (although it did calm down significantly when I was in high school).  When I was at college, I was always able to access healthy food and usually ate with people (for the first year, at least), so it was harder to fly under the radar.

Besides, I was away from my dad and his endless cycle of diets and poor eating habits (not eating all day and then having two bags of chips, drinking only protein shakes for a day, etc.).  And, most importantly, I was away from his inability to grocery shop, which meant no more coming home and being like “hmm, well we have eggs so I...guess I’ll fry those??  And maybe have Doritos too??? Otherwise it’s mac and cheese again and I’m sick of that.”

College allowed me to gain a little more healthy self-image while teaching me how to eat reasonably healthy meals that were the appropriate size.

But I still had to go back to my dad’s in the summer and winter, and that slowed my progress.

Especially the time he paid me to lose weight.

I’m not sure what prompted it, but I do remember him saying that he’d pay me $10 for every pound I lost.  I would be weighed once a week.  At the time, it seemed a little weird, but I tried: not super hard, because I knew that doing so would mean not eating, but I wanted that money (and, perhaps more importantly, my dad to be proud of me).

Now that I’m on my own, it’s easier.  I make sure I have enough food and know how to prepare healthy things, but that doesn’t magically take away years of body shaming, poor self-image, and disordered eating.

Someday I want there to be a happy ending to this story, but for now, it’ll have to be bittersweet.  I haven’t binged in years, but I still sometimes struggle to make myself eat on bad body image days.  I still crave the sharp edge of hunger and need to remind myself that the emptiness in my stomach and the dizziness in my head are not badges of honor.  I still need to remind myself that the point of exercising is feeling good, not losing weight.

It’s not as hard as it used to be, but it’s definitely not easy.

Still, I’m going to keep trying because someday, I would love to just be able to eat foods that are nourishing and enjoyable and have fun exercising without that voice in my head commenting on my fatness.

[myshiki]

my body. Trigger warning- body issues, eating, etc.

**I know there is nothing wrong with fat people. I use the term “fat” in this because it has always been a go-to negative word to describe myself. Idk if that makes sense. I just want to make it clear that I think that all bodies are beautiful, and fat, plus-size girls are beautiful, but this is about myself trying to accept my own body for what it is and how society and family make it difficult.

This morning I was in the shower and really thinking about why I hate my body the way that I do. I’ve come a long way with liking my body, and I do think my body is a nice shape and has pretty parts. At certain angles, of course, I like it. But my weight insecurity takes over my life and always has. Sometimes when I’m around certain people, I am obsessing over whether or not the way I’m sitting or lying down is making me look fat. “How fat does my face look right now?” “Ew, my legs look huge. I wonder if they’re thinking it too.”

I remember being in elementary school and hating my body. I remember shooting baskets with my friend at PE and she looked to be around the same weight as me. We were talking about how much we weighed and her number was about 15 numbers lower than mine. My eyes actually got teary. I instantly hated myself. I remember visiting my grandma’s home and she’d say things to my sister like “Alexa, you’re so thin, you could be a model!!! ...Hannah is the sweet one.” I instantly hated myself. Around age 8, I started dieting with the help of my mom. I tried different ones, but the only one I ever saw results from was the ‘Special K’ diet where I would eat cereal for breakfast, a “normal” lunch, and a Special K granola bar for dinner. I lost 20 pounds from this. This was bad, obviously because diet culture can be so toxic, but also because this did not teach me how to eat properly at all. I am a very disciplined person, so even though I was starving at night from only eating a granola bar for dinner, I was okay because I was picturing me thin and happy. As I got into high school, my mom was buying herself and I diet pills. I took one every single day and hid them back in my closet because she didn’t want my dad knowing about it. I saw absolutely zero results from these but took them for months and months and months anyway. 

My mom would never ever straight up call me fat or anything close to that. She would just hint that I should exercise (she was right) and then would ask if I wanted to try a new diet with her. I think subconsciously, this was all worse for me than I thought. After my mom passed, I found a mom in Sheyenne and Abby’s mom. She was always there for me and loved me like her own. But because she loved me like her own, she felt comfortable ALWAYS joking about my weight with me. Except she was the only one ever bringing it up and I was never joking with her. Every time it stung because it was in front of her daughters and other family members and no one really defended me. I guess because it was so repetitive? She’d always say things like “these kind of shirts look bad on me because I’m a bigger girl. haha.. Hannah gets it” and I’d look at her and smile or try to laugh. No one would say anything. Would even call my legs “chubby” or “jiggly.” Things like that. One day her and Abby’s stepdad called Abby’s legs fat, and I jumped on them so fast because Abby doesn’t even have “fat” legs, but also.. shut the fuck up?? You should never ever talk to your fucking kid like that. Nothing boils my blood faster. Their grandma would ask me multiple times “have you started the KETO diet I talked to you about?” Without me saying anything at all, she would sometimes say something like “If you want to lose weight you could ___.” I could never escape the body shaming. And this hurts more as an adult because I now realize that I’m a little bigger than the average size, but not to the point where my girlfriend’s family should be commenting on my body every time I see them. This also hurt because Sheyenne is half my size, and while over time I did get over that a little bit, I was still self conscious about what people thought when they saw us together and knew we were a couple.

I don’t know if this is because I was with such a small girl, but now I have the fear that if any part of my body is on somebody, I’m crushing them. I would get on top of Sheyenne and she loved it and never made me feel fat, but idk. I still can’t put my legs on somebody’s lap because I’m afraid they’re so heavy that I’m crushing the person. I can’t put my head on somebody without thinking I’m crushing them. (I think this is because Sheyenne always teased that I had a heavy ass huge head). I’m not eating as much lately because of the breakup and loss of appetite, but also because I’m seeing my body shrink and I’m happy about it. I hate myself on days I look chubby in the face. On days I look in the mirror and think I look fat, I hate myself and I’m more cold with people that day because “why would somebody want to hear sweet or flirty things from somebody who’s ugly. If I sound confident but look like this then I’m going to look stupid.” I’m afraid of eating anything at night lately because then I’m like “I’m not going to lose weight and then feel fat in the morning and then hate myself the whole day.” Losing Sheyenne has made these thoughts 10x worse and I’m not sure why. I think once I start going for runs again and buy groceries at my dad’s, it will be okay. I’m not super worried. I just wanted to be vulnerable and open about how often I’m obsessing over my body. It’s so exhausting.

[fatgalfitness]

Food isn't going to fix it.

I hurt myself pretty bad at the gym last night. It was just a fluke. Wasn't paying attention, or wasn't braced properly, or just plain effed up, but halfway through my third set of squats, my back seized, I dropped the weights, and I hit the ground. I couldn't move. I had to call Steph and Mari to come help me. It was scary. I laid on the floor by myself for 30 minutes, crying because I was mad at myself for getting hurt and I was scared of what I'd done.

They eventually got me up and to my house. I went to see Dr. Bob this morning. He put lots of needles in me, and gave me stretches to do. Dr. Bob is a miracle worker slash witch doctor.

My back is still pretty angry, and my goal right now is to just be able to bend over enough to put pants on. I'm upset that this happened, and I feel foolish. I know it can happen to anyone, but that doesn't matter. I messed up.

I'm much more of a slave to my emotions than I'd care to admit. My anxiety can run wild and I lose control of my own mind. For a long time, I dealt with those feelings with food. My brain could be quiet for a few minutes while I ate. Crunchy things could literally drown out the hate my brain was spewing at me.

So even now, I struggle with emotional eating. When I'm sick, I want junk food. When I'm sad or stressed or anxious, I want food to keep me distracted. Food has a control over me that I don't always understand.

I want this post to be about how I triumphed over that this time and came home from the doctor and made a salad. But that would be a lie. I went through the Wendy's drive thru and got a kids meal.

It didn't fix anything.

Food doesn't magically cure anxiety. It doesn't make you any less sad or make your day any less stressful. It's a powerful crutch that gives temporary relief to bigger issues.

I'm sad because I hurt myself. I'm angry because it makes me feel foolish. I'm stressed because I have too much to do this week to be injured.

All of that piled up and rather than face it, I muffled it with a junior cheeseburger.

Food isn't going to solve your problems. It isn't going to cure your anxiety or teach you how to cope effectively with stress and anger. At best, it's going to give you five minutes of relief. At worst, it's going to build a habit where you defer your emotions and never actually address the root issues.

I am terrified to admit this so publicly, but it's the truth. I struggle daily with placing food on this pedestal as a solution to my problems because I'm too afraid to actually face what I'm dealing with. But I don't want that to be my reality anymore. I want to build healthy coping mechanisms for my stress. I want to learn to keep my schedule manageable and to create space in my life to breathe and face what's causing my anxiety. It takes a lot more work than driving through Wendy's, but I know it's worth it.

So there's my big truth bomb for today, friends. I'm out of commission at the gym for a while, so it's time to look inward and start dealing with myself.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #222

“hold your breath, my dear, we’re going under.”

Have you ever kicked a vending machine? No. Have you ever stayed online for a long time waiting for someone? Ha ha, yeah... I did that for Mini a lot when I was younger. Would you survive in prison? I can almost guarantee I'd find a way to kill myself, no. What is your favorite condiment to go with french fries? Probably ketchup. What do you have a habit of doing when engaging in a conversation with someone? Obsess over if I'm making eye contact correctly. Like the WHOLE time I will be thinking about it. Have you ever lost a pet in a tragic way? How did you cope? I had a lot of childhood cats run over, and that was always hard to see. As for coping, I just... did. What else do you do. Do you have a favorite classical composer? No. Mini skirts, slutty or stylish? Um, what you wear doesn't determine whether or not you're "slutty." They don't bother me. Do you like a partner who is clean cut or rugged? A mix. Pale or tan, which would you rather be? I like pale skin, I just don't like the texture of mine. The negative of pale skin is the fact you can see flaws more clearly. Is walking cats strange? (like walking dogs) No. What about kids on leashes? What do you think about that? That shit is wild. Teach your children better, or keep them in your sights at all times if they have some kind of condition that makes it challenging to teach them properly. How many piercings have you had, BESIDES ears, no one cares. Two. New tats in your near future? Whenever I myself have the money, my next tattoo appointment will be to enhance my Mark tribute one to better the galaxy texture. I love the guy who's done my tats so far, but there are better out there, and I don't feel he achieved my vision. This tattoo is WILD important to me; it has to be perfect. After that, a "new" tattoo probably won't happen until I have a job or I'm gifted money. How about piercings or re-piercings? "In the near future" is the criteria I'm guessing is still relevant? It depends on how quickly I lose enough weight for my collarbones to be clearly prominent to get dermals. I've been fucking stagnated for a year, though, so I don't know when the hell that's happening... Who would you like to hang out with? There's a lot of old friends and acquaintances that fit this. Next new thing you are wanting to try! Idk. Some sort of job I can actually accomplish. Would you ever visit a psychic medium? Definitely not; I don't believe they're legit. Are some days a waste of makeup? Um so idk if you know, author, but people wear makeup for their own satisfaction. If it makes you feel beautiful, then hell no it's not a waste. Do you watch any beauty gurus on YouTube? Okay I fucking adore Jeffree Star y'all. He's a goddamn Mood and inspirational as ALL hell in terms of his determination, work ethic, and open-mindedness. I watch everything he uploads ever, even though I'm not really interested in makeup. It's cool to watch though; it's an art to me. Do you have a PillowPet? No, but omfg. One of my favorite Christmas memories ever is the night my niece, when she was around two or so, was given one (or something like it?) the night before, we turned the lights out, and lit it up so the colorful stars were all over the room. She was absolutely marveling over it. That was the same night my sister revealed she was pregnant with my nephew, actually. That was a great night. Actually felt like a family. Do you have sleep paralysis? Thank FUCK no. Have you ever wanted an ex back, but found out they were dating someone? I've talked about Jason and Ashley before. God that was a bad. Bad. Fuck-ing. Time. Do you like Placebo? I don't listen to them. Has anyone ever carried you to bed? I mean as a kid, yeah. Idr as a teenager or adult. Would you rather have a wiener dog or an Italian greyhound? The greyhound. Dachshunds are precious, but as of semi-recently, I'm personally against breeding pets with damaging/unhealthy traits, and dachshunds are very susceptible to spine issues. Idk if greyhounds have any issues like that. Do your parents buy you most anything you want? Bitch we poor, no. What is the next craft you are going to make? Probably something for Sara for some special event. I don't think that's much of a spoiler, so I don't mind sharing it. Do you learn choreography easily? I was decent when I was a dance student, but no, I can promise you no. My memory is laughable. If you had to choose, would you rather be taller or shorter? Taller, I guess? Idk. Do you believe that Jesus will come back in your lifetime? No, I don't believe he ever will. What color is your winter coat? ... Shit dude, idr. Idk if I even have one, actually. What’s your favorite candy to receive on Halloween? Gimme all ur Reese's cups. Have you ever spent your birthday alone? No. Have you ever had a themed b-day party? I'm sure I did as a kid. Were you afraid of heights as a child? No. I am now tho. Which dollar store is your favorite? Here, Dollar Generals are everywhere and generally the preferred one, I believe. What food gives you diarrhea? Totally serious, most exceptionally "fancy" foods; by that, I assume things with lots of intricate spices and other ingredients. At least severe gas pains are almost guaranteed when I eat out somewhere. Have you ever had a lead role in a play? No. Ha ha man, I remember as an elementary school student though, we had a play where I SO wanted to be Snow White. What is the most fascinating part of nature? Evolution. I don't know how I once didn't believe in it. Would you ever go vegetarian? I am serious about returning to vegetarianism when/if I get to a weight I'm satisfied with (losing weight w/o meat is more difficult than with, particularly for an extremely picky eater). I wish I could be a total vegan, but I know I'm not capable of that. Once you actually learn about slaughterhouses and farm life... no. What berry is your favorite? STRAW!!!!!!!BERRIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What is your dream house? Something in the woods with a nice yard/outdoor decor, flowers, wildlife... What was the reason in you crying last? PTSD. Are there any movies in the theater that you’d like to see? The new IT and Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark. What do you think of Coca Cola? It's my third-fave soda. What about polar bears? Gorgeous animals. I will R I O T if they go extinct. My best friend(s) are/is... Sara. When do you want to have your first kid? Never. I am faaar from cut out to be a mother. Which stovetop burner do you use the most? I don't cook, so. The times I've made eggs, uh... I think I use the bottom right? Do you use a dishwasher or wash dishes by hand? Ugh, we don't have one. What year did you graduate high school? 2014. Do you carry pepper spray? No, but I should with how paranoid I am. What is your favorite gas station? Sheetz is the way to go down here. What have been some of your best garage sale finds? *shrugs* Idr the last time I went to one. Ever worked two jobs or more at once? Hell no. I wouldn't survive. How often do you check your email? Every day, mainly for school. What would you do if your ex came to you crying? It would depend on who. "The" ex, I don't give a fuck how I feel about him, he's getting a tight-ass hug because seeing him cry is awful, and I will always care about him to a certain degree. Well actually, I'd ask him before hugging; I don't know if he'd be fine with me touching him. Girt would get a big 'ole hug for sure. Juan, Tyler, and Aaron I'd ask if they wanted a hug. I'd definitely ask any of them if they wanted to talk/vent to me about whatever is wrong; I can't stand seeing people cry. What school do you go to, what grade? I'm a super late freshman in college. How do you feel about school? It's been a drastic change in my daily life and thus has caused stress, but nevertheless I'm ecstatic to be back because I'm actually making progress towards going somewhere. Are you still a virgin? So I know it sounds like it makes NO sense w/o details, but seriously, I don't know. We had "cheaty" ways to just barely skirt around it because at the time I was abstinent, but pretty sure at some point it became sex. Do you eat chips or crackers more? Man, I haven't had chips in a loooong time... though I love them, man. We have crackers at the house usually, and I snack on them occasionally. Is your bed next to a wall? Who doesn't have their bed against at least one?? Is your bed next to a window? There's one beside me against the wall. Do you have neat handwriting? I think so. The only thing I don't like is I write SOOOOOOOOOO slow. Would you rather be a singer or a dancer? Dancer. Would you rather be a musician or a painter? Painter. What did your hair look like in high school? Long and normally brown, but sometimes I dyed it black with colored highlights. Favorite flavor of hot chocolate? Normal?? What is your top priority in life? My happiness, probably. Have you ever made a gingerbread house? Yeah. Sucky ones, but they were gingerbread houses, lol. Do you prefer candy corn or conversation hearts? EW both are gross. Skeletons or scarecrows? I'll see you in the Skeleton War, fuckers. Who was the last non-relative woman you spoke to in person? My Writing teacher. What’s a topic you’ve drastically changed your opinion on? I did a TOTAL 180 on LGBT rights, and my former, intense pro-life stance has altered quite a lot to mostly pro-choice. What’s an achievement you hope to see humanity accomplish in your lifetime? Man, a lot... A total ban from plastic and finding an alternative for it would be great, as well as the cure of cancer and H.I.V. Make gay marriage legal worldwide. Make great progress on cleaning the oceans. I could go on and on. Do you know anyone who has a PhD? As far as personally, possibly. Like, obviously my doctors do. How do you feel when you’re the center of attention? *buys that red button that says "no" in various fashions solely for this occasion* Are you and your S/O Facebook official? She doesn't have a FB, but mine does say "in a relationship." Do you know anyone who works as a lawyer? Not that I know well anymore; a former best friend is in the process of becoming one, though. So proud of her. Which would bother you more: being told you’re not likable or being told you’re not sensible? Being told I'm not likable would really hurt. How many bedrooms does your house have? Two. Have you ever had a dream in which you died? Yeah. Does the thought of having wrinkles when you’re older upset you? Not really. Everyone gets them. Do you use Snapchat? No. Do you know anyone who’s struggling with addiction? Yes. What was your first job? And how long did you work there? I was a sales associate at GameStop. I was employed for like two months, but I worked very few days before I crumbled. Where is the last place you were other then where you are right now? School. How do you feel about the last person you kissed? I adore her. Lol, Lawl, Rotfl, Lmao, or Lmfao? (Which you use most) Lmao or lol. Have you/Do you know anyone that grows weed? Not knowingly to me. Do you really care about name brands? Not just for the sake of being a certain name; I do, however, care about the quality of brands, of course, such as taste for foods or being comfortable in clothes. Describe your favorite pair of jeans to me please. I don't have any. When I was actually slim though, I had a pair of maroon skinny jeans with a black dappling texture, and there were holes in them where the fabric was just black, and I loooooved them. Those and my leather boots was A Look. To wash in the shower, do you use a loofa? That's not the technical name for what I use according to Mom when I've called them that, but rather a body sponge or something like that, but it's like the same thing. Have you ever ridden on a horse? Yes, though not at a gallop or anything "real." Just at things like school fairs. Are you polite? I think I'm very polite, honestly. Do you prefer bright or muted colors? Bright, usually. Can you roll your tongue? I used to be able to after practicing all day once with a friend ha ha, but I haven't been able to for a long time. Definitely can't now with snake eyes. Are you a light weight when it comes to alcohol? No, apparently. Which accents can you emulate pretty well? British and country. How loud do you listen to music? Too loud, I know. Are you more awkward talking to people in real life or online? JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, real life. I don't think I'm half bad online. Do you bruise easily? So easily that I was tested for anemia or whatever it's called where you bleed easily (the test was negative, thankfully). Despite feeling bruised, though, I usually don't have an actual mark. Have you ever bought pre-ripped jeans? All my jeans were. I hate plain, boring jeans. What are you most likely to spend money on? Tattoos, lol... I genuinely think I'm good with money, I feel because of the financial position I've grown up and lived in, although I have never had a stable source of income, so it's hard to really determine that yet. I'm quite sure I'll be fine, but I really do hope I handle my money well when I do and don't invest all my spendable (as in, not money that I'm saving for emergencies) money into just tats. Have you ever been a complete fangirl/fanboy over anything? Welcome to my life, lol. I'm at an age where it's starting to get embarrassing, but. Idk how to change it. What’s the weirdest way you’ve ever heard somebody die of? *shrug* When was the last time you (dis)liked someone without really knowing them? I dunno. I try to not do that. When was the last time you wore a mask? What did it look like? Hell if I remember. I don't even remember wearing any on Halloween as a child. What comes up on your recommended list on YouTube? Mainly let's plays or music. Have you ever had a controlling boyfriend/girlfriend? Hell no, that wouldn't last long. How many true heart breaks have you had in your lifetime? One. Do you have any gay family members? My mom has a gay cousin. Who was the last person to sleep over at your house? Sara. Would you ever get a boob job? No; I don't care enough about them too. I wish they were smaller. I liked mine when I was a healthy weight, so, let's get back to that size, please. What would you think if you found out your ex was gay? Aaron, I think he actually is. Juan, trust me, he's not. Jason couldn't convince me he was gay even if he tried. I very highly doubt he'd be bi/pan, either. Girt, I would be surprised, but not like, immensely. I don't have a clue about Tyler and if he has any gay tendencies/history. Would you ever take someone back if you found out they cheated on you? NO SIR-REE. Do people ever compliment your eyes? Yeah. Would you be upset if you caught your boyfriend looking at porn? I don't know. I used to feel REALLY strongly about porn just being a big 'ole fucking nope, but whatever man, we're sexual animals. Better you take care of urges yourself rather than, you know, raping someone or something. If I personally caught my s/o doing it, idk how I'd feel, but knowing me and my self-esteem, I'd feel I'd probably jump to the whole (if we were serious) "um hi I'm your fckng gf what am I not enough" thought path. I don't think I'd be livid, though. Ask the old Britt, and we would've broken up there, probably. Who’s the last person that hung up on you? *shrug* Do you have a common first name? Yeah. Have you ever been engaged? No. Do you have any tattoos on your arms? Four, currently. They're gonna be covered one day. Have you ever seriously vandalized someone else’s property? No. Have you ever been punched? No. What do you usually order from Olive Garden? I will, without fail, get the spicy shrimp fritas and be the happiest human being on Earth. How do you feel about bats? I absolutely adore them. Do you get excited when you learn you have to dress up? Quite the opposite, actually. What brand of hair spray do you use? I don't use it. Do you like it when guys wear hats? I have zero opinion on this. Burger King, McDonald's, or Wendy's? I prefer Wendy's. If you type for awhile, do your fingers start to hurt? No. Are you the type of person who would study for a test for hours? No, I'm not. I generally don't even have to like, intensely study; I tend to learn upon reading things, or in like math, performing the actions just a couple times. "Studying" doesn't tend to work for me; if it gets to that point, it probably won't stick, regardless of how many times I try. Are you a lazy person? I hate admitting just how lazy I am. But I mean again, it also depends on what is at stakes. Does your house have a doorbell? Yes, though I actually don't know if the doorbell works... Favorite album? Ozzy Osbourne's Black Rain. Favorite farm animal? PIGS! Has your Facebook ever been hacked? No. Do you spell gray with an A or an E? I use the American spelling ("gray"). Would you rather get money or gift cards for your birthday? I would be perfectly and entirely happy with purely money for my birthday, because that equals tattoos, lmao. Have you ever spoken to a detective before? No. Have you ever played laser tag? Once on a double-date with Jason and our old roommates/friends. Do you ever share things on Facebook? Almost all I do are share things I support, find funny, find as inspirational or cute, stuff like that. I can confidently say the majority of people I even have as "friends" on there do not care that much about my personal life. Is anyone you’re close to in the hospital right now? I mean, define "close." My grandmother's going through chemo, but we're not like... my definition of particularly "close," though she's close-ish family, so idk. Is your Wifi protected? Of course. What did you have for lunch today? I didn't eat lunch. How often do people write on your Facebook wall? On my birthday, lmao. Does your phone have a cover on it? No. I'd say I want one, but way more than that, I want a new phone. Mine is godawful. What color was your swim suit this year? I mean my most recently-worn is black, but I think it'd probably be too big for me now. I haven't swam in a long time. Do ladders scare you? Yes. Do you have any pictures of you and your friends in your bedroom? No. How do you eat Oreos? I'm one of those people that breaks the cookie to eat the cream first. Who or what sleeps with you? My cat Roman. Do you know anyone with the same name as you? Yes, but spelled differently. Are you pro-life or pro-choice? Honestly, it's become almost embarrassing to say I was ever pro-life. I'm vehemently pro-choice now. What color LED is the display in your car? Okay so Mom's has a rainbow of options, but I think it's currently stuck on... purple? I think? How am I unsure???? I'm in it every day?????????? Who was your first kiss with? Jason, my first "real" boyfriend. What kind of milk do you drink? I'll drink anywhere between skim to whole milk, but I'm not really a fan of skim despite having grown up with it. What aren’t you afraid to stand up for? I'd stand up for gay rights if it killed me. Do you know anybody in the military? Loosely. What was the last hotel you stayed at? I don't have the slightest clue. Do you have any STDs? No. What’s your preferred salad dressing? YO the Olive Garden dressing is b o m b. Do you have a favorite NASCAR driver? No. Who’s your celebrity crush? I'm almost 24 years old ha ha ha hahaha I'm too old for a celebrity crush aha hahaa haa aahha ah hahaaaaaaaaaaaaa- What color is your fridge? Black. Do you know the metric system well enough to live in Canada? No, admittedly. What was the biggest bruise you’ve ever had? Tell me the place (on your body) and the story of it! Idr. If you have Etsy account - show the very last item you added to the favorites. If not - either skip or just visit Etsy and find one thing you like: I think I have one, but I don't use it. I don't feel like looking. What would you do if you knew that you will be single to your very death (even if you’re in a relationship now)? Nothing would change...? My relationship status doesn't alter my goals and such. Are there any exchange students at your school? We have a LOT of foreign students at my school, so I'd assume so. Have you got any half or step siblings? I have three (actually four, but I don't know one tho) half-siblings and technically a step-brother, but I don't see him as a "brother," really. What cars do your siblings drive, if they do drive? My older sister has a red car, and my younger has a... black Kia, I think? It's dark is all I know for sure, and I only know the brand because it's new. I don't live with either or see their cars frequently elsewhere, so idk. What about your parents? Idk what kind my dad drives, but BOY do I know my mom's car, lmao. It's an older white Kia (I think?) with the bumper fuckin zip-tied onto the car bc it was given to us after a dance friend hit a poor deer, lmao. Look, we don't complain, shit was free. Do you like kid’s movies? Yo I do NOT trust you if you claim you like NO "kids' movie." Describe your handbag. I'm actually gonna look it up. (https://sourpussclothingwholesale.files.wordpress.com/2016/08/night-owl-bag.jpg?w=584&h=364) When was the last time you had to take someone home? ME, never. I don't have my license because I'm terrified of driving. Who was it, and where did you take them home from? N/A Have you ever known someone online and then met them in person? Sara Jaaaaaane!!! :'> There are other friends I'd like to meet, too. If so, which website did you meet on? Sara and I met via YouTube when it was actually community-oriented. Have you ever been to the beach? Yeah, multiple times. Have you ever been kicked out of somewhere? Yeah, I guess. She didn't actually like, force me outside, but I had to call my mother to pick me up. Have you ever intentionally trolled? No. Did you get swine flu? No. What is your favorite type of cat? Aesthetically, I find Persians to be way too cute, though I don't support their continued breeding. It's literally abuse to breed animals that deformed. Do you support the LGBTQ community? I'm bisexual, so like- Have you ever eaten a veggie burger? Yeah, the Morningstar brand from Burger King (not the Impossible Burger one). It's genuinely not bad. If you could meet any major political figure, who would it be? I'm not educated enough on like, any, to properly answer this question. If you drink Monster, what is your favorite flavor? N/A Do you own any Webkinz stuffed animals? I was that Bad Bitch(tm) with like,,,, almost all of them back in the day. If so, do you have a Webkinz online account? It exists, but idr the password sobs. If you had/have a Club Penguin account, how old were you when you got it? I would have a character for like two days, not go back on for years, repeat a couple times... but idk how old I was. Do you own any Nintendo video game consoles/handhelds? GameBoys and a DS Lite, yes. What religion were you raised in? Roman Catholicism. Are you still that religion, if you had one? Far from it. What religion/spiritual path intrigues you the most, if any? Buddhism and Wicca. What ancient culture intrigues you the most, if any? Idk. Were/are you a teacher’s pet? Not like, the kind that sucked up to the teacher for their personal benefit, but if you mean just as in the teacher's favorite, yeah. Do you like pink lemonade? Hell yeah man. What’s your favorite U2 song, if you have one? I don't listen to them. Were your parents born in the United States? Yeah. Do women breastfeeding in public make you feel uncomfortable? I want it to be perfectly and violently clear that I fucking despise you if a child being fed fucking offends you. Why or why not? Because women's bodies aren't sexual fucking objects designed for your viewing pleasure. Write an unpopular/offensive opinion of yours here. I’m interested. Buckle up, lads. Seatbelts fastened? Ass properly in the seat? Airbags in place? There are two genders.