#now i have other hobbies and goals and other things to do w my life!!

[celestie0]

gojo satoru x reader | fake marriage au [18+]

in holy matriphony ch.5 child's play

ᰔ pairing. fake marriage au - neighbor&realtor!gojo x nurse!reader (ft. choso x reader & suguru x reader)

ᰔ summary. gojo satoru is your extremely annoying next-door-neighbor who you're pretty sure is the most insufferable man you've ever met. given the fact that you exclusively work the night shift at a chaotic emergency dept, just got broken up with your boyfriend of seven years, and have been taking care of your sick mother ever since her multitude of diagnoses, yet somehow your neighbor is the main source of stress in your life should speak volumes. but when your mother's medical bills start to skyrocket to more than you can manage, and you learn that said neighbor of yours has the best private health insurance plan in the country, you ask him to enter a matrimonial agreement with you for the spousal benefits all in the name of saving a few hundred thousand dollars. but you'll have to see if suffering cohabitation w him is worth any amount of money.

ᰔ genre/tags. fluff, smut, angst, enemies to lovers (sort of), annoyances to lovers (that's more like it), small town romance, fake marriage, next door neighbors, lots of bickering, suburban shenanigans, slow burn, mutual pining, gojo likes to play house but you don't, hatred for the american healthcare system, gojo always forgets to mow the lawn, jealousy, an insane amount of profanity, mentions of cigarettes, depression/anxiety; btw gojo in this fic is in his mid 30s n reader is in her late 20s

ᰔ warnings. reader in this fic has a sick mother w alzheimer's & cancer so there is secondary medical angst!!

ᰔ chapter. 5/x

ᰔ words. 4.8k

a/n. helloo my ihm friends! long time no see. hope you're all doing well and thank you so much to everyone who sent me kind messages about the whole ihm gojo ex wife thing haha. i really appreciate it :) i feel more confident about my writing decisions now, and that's all thanks to you guys! anyways, i will be posting shorter chapters for ihm going forward, so sorry if some chapters have slightly abrupt endings or stuff like that. i guess my goal is to post shorter chapters but more frequently! we'll see how it works out. anyways, hope you enjoy this chapter and see you at the bottom!!

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Ever since admitting your mother into hospice, things have been calmer inside your mind. After passing the initial wave of agony that came with no longer hearing her voice down the hall or seeing her silhouette in her bedroom as you walked past it, you realized that…a weight has been lifted off your shoulders. No longer setting alarms at the height of every other hour to remind your mother to take her medication, no longer viewing every interaction you had with her as some form of study you needed to jot down in a binder for her neurologist’s records, and no longer driving her to all of her chemotherapy appointments, only to leave them feeling like you purposefully just took your mother to a place where they sucked all the life out of her in exchange for the slim promise of giving it all back to her someday.

Maybe it was evident in the way your shoulders felt less tense as you rolled them back, tilting your neck to the side and no longer feeling the painful strain that tugs a wince onto your face. The other day, you caught yourself humming a song as you drove to work. Your skin, usually feeling cracked and dry from stress and exhaustion, now has a slight plumpness to it like before. A more youthful glow, like the version of yourself you were before your mother became sick. The version of you that so quickly deteriorated, and one you didn’t even know still existed somewhere within you. 

There has also been time for hobbies. Rarest of occasions, you find yourself sauteing some yellow and white peaches in a saucepan over medium heat in Gojo’s kitchen, humming that song once again that’s been stuck in your head. The sundress you’re wearing matches the pink of the syrup that pools at the bottom of the pan, and you feel like you’re living your cottage core dreams in this brief moment of reprieve you’ve allowed yourself to fall into.

The sound of slippers tapping down onto the hardwood floor startles you out of your gleeful trance, and you turn your neck to the right to see a pajama-clad messy-haired Gojo shuffling his feet across the open area into the kitchen with a dark black mug in his hand.

“Why aren’t you dressed??” you ask him in a panic.

“I’ll get dressed later,” he tells you dismissively as he grabs the glass pitcher of coffee from where the coffee machine was nestled up against one of the counter corners.

“You’re stressing me out. Your mom told us to be there in two hours,” you say, putting your hands on your hips in disapproval as you hear the sizzle of the peaches in the saucepan. 

He entirely ignores you, choosing to instead drag his gaze down the form of your body. “Woooow, twice this month I get to see you in a cute dress,” he comments, pouring coffee into his mug but his eyes are still on you, “lucky me.”

“Oh Shut. Up,” you sneer at him with a harsh roll of your eyes, “your fake flattery might work on the lonely middle-aged women you seduce to make a living, but it won’t work on me.”

His shoulders push back before he slumps them slightly, his brow lifting with confusion. “It’s not fake though? I mean it. You look really nice right now.”

You point an accusatory sugar-syrup coated wooden spatula at him. “You’ve just been conditioned by the patriarchy to get a boner at the sight of a woman in a kitchen.”

“What–...no–...why do you always have to say stuff like that whenever I compliment you? Can’t you just accept it?”

You cross your arms over your chest. “I refuse to be flattered by an insolent man like you.”

He sighs, setting his coffee mug down on the counter, and you watch the way the fringe of his hair hangs over his forehead as he gazes into the contents, swirling it around with a loose grip on the handle. “Is this how it’s going to be everyday? I try to be nice, and you–...well, you know, are you.”

“Well who else should I be?”

His eyes lift up to meet yours, the slightest of a cheeky grin on his face as his eyes wander down the form of you again. “I don’t know. Someone a little…softer? Like, you’ve got this really pretty dress on, and then you’re telling me off about patriarchy-induced boners. It’s a little, uh, contradictory?”

You gasp. “You’re trying to control me. I knew it. You are poisoned by the patriarchy.”

“What?”

Your eyes narrow at him. “You have this image of a perfect and cute little wife, who’s gonna wear pretty dresses all the time, and bake stuff in the kitchen, and get all blushy when you tell her she looks beautiful, and you expect her to have this soft little personality that never argues with you or disagrees with you…ALL BECAUSE OF THE PATRIARCHY!!!”

“...I–...Okay, you’ve lost me.”

You let out a hmph! noise. “Can’t even discern his own brainwashing. Sad.”

“All of this just because I tried to tell you that you look nice?”

“I know what your ulterior motives are, you creep.”

His eyes spark a little at that, the corner of his mouth tugging up into a cheeky grin as he sets the coffee mug down onto the marble counter and he straightens his spine. You blink, watching with confusion as he crosses the distance between the two of you, to where you’re taking a small few steps backwards until your lower back presses against the edge of the island countertop. He cages you into the surface with his frame, followed by the palms of his hands sliding over the marble on both sides of you, and you feel his forearms press against the curve of your waist as he traps you in with no way out.

“S-Satoru,” you stutter, looking up at him with wide eyes, “what are you doing?”

“What do you think I’m doing?” he says, his voice deeper with a nonchalance that has you shiver, his gaze dropping to your lips when you part them slightly.

“T-The patriar–” you squeak out, but he suddenly dips his head down to kiss you.

Your breath hitches in your throat, eyes immediately closing when he moves his lips against yours, one of his strong arms wrapping around your waist to pull you closer to him and your hesitation is something that only lasts a brief second before you find yourself kissing him back. Some noise leaves his throat, deep and raw and sounding pleasantly surprised as he captures your lips more fervidly now, his hands smoothing down to hold your hips and his teeth slightly nip at your bottom lip. 

You grab a fistful of his shirt, unsure of whether you want to pull him closer to you or push him away, but the moan that you mumble against his lips only makes his grip on your hips even stronger, fingers digging into the softness through the thin fabric of your dress. 

The oven suddenly starts beeping, startling you and you pull away from the kiss with a gasp, eyes rounded as you look up at him, but his are lidded and dilated as his gaze remains glued to your lips. 

With a heaving chest, you try to push him away by a weak fist to his sternum but he’s unrelenting.

“You taste sweet,” he says, like some comment he noted in his head but accidentally voiced out loud.

“I–...” you inhale sharply, “I just ate three macerated peaches.”

“Uh-huh,” he barely acknowledges before leaning in to get another taste, but you push him away harsher this time.

His hands let go of your hips entirely, finally breaking out of that kiss-induced trance he was in, but he still remains close to you in proximity, so much so to where you can feel the heat from his body. It’s comforting almost, radiating through the soft cotton of his long sleeve shirt, and you find yourself subconsciously leaning towards him before you snap out of it too, and rock your weight back against the island countertop.

You cross your arms over your chest, hoping the flush to your cheeks isn’t showing. “Oh okay so we just casually kiss now?”

He shoves his hands into his plaid pajama pant pockets, leaning away from you slightly. “For as long as I can get away with it, yeah.”

“You are breaking the rules.”

“You never said no kissing.”

“I said no touching.”

“Ehhh kissing isn’t really touching, though, is it?”

“You sound stupid.”

“I always sound stupid to you.”

The oven starts beeping again, and you realize it’s long been preheated to the setting you had placed earlier. You slip away from him with haste, feeling his gaze on you as you press a button on the oven to turn the alarm off, and you stare at the handle for a moment or two to calm the beating of your heart down. 

Your eyes catch sight of something on the side of the fridge. A little magnet made of rubber that has the word London on it as well as the design of the Westminster Cathedral with golden accents. You recall that Gojo went on a trip to London recently, and that he didn’t bring you back any souvenirs from there like he did for your other neighbors. And you want to pretend, you want to shove it down, that incessantly childish feeling that wonders why he didn’t bring you anything back. You want to continue to pretend like it doesn’t hurt your feelings. Something so miniscule and small. But you–...well, you can’t.

You spin around to face him. “Do you hate me?” you bluntly ask.

He blinks at you. “Huh?”

“Do you, what, I don’t know, think I’m annoying or something?”

He shrugs with his hands still in his pockets. “I mean, yeah, I do think you’re annoying sometimes. But in a silly way. Like we’re just pals horsin’ around, y’know?”

You snarl at him, putting your hands on your hips and narrowing your gaze until he’s hardly even visible anymore. “No. I actually find you annoying. Like, wanna-run-you-over-with-a-bus annoying. You just have horrendous social awareness and think that everyone loves you.”

“You actually don’t like me?” he asks, like he can’t even believe that someone wouldn’t.

“Yes,” you say, “now get out of my way.” You make an attempt to push past him, purposefully knocking your shoulder into him to assert dominance but he is unfortunately much bigger than you and so all it does is make you stumble ungracefully from the recoil.

He quickly grabs your arm to steady you, and you glare up at him before yanking yourself away and then step backwards until your back hits the fridge.

He studies your demeanor for a second before taking a deep inhale, and then lets it all go in a heaving sigh. “What do I have to do to get you to lighten up a bit?” he asks.

“You really want to know?” you sneer at him.

“Yes,” he says with a slight hint of frustration in his tone.

You cross your arms. “Pay for the fucking fence.”

He blinks at you, confusion replacing whatever frustration was previously decorating his tone. “What?”

“The fence,” you reiterate with a step forwards towards him, “the one I built six months ago. The one where you laughed in my face when I told you to help pay for it.”

He leans forward. “Yeah. Because I never wanted that fence built. Like I said, it fucked up the roots on my avocado tree. You should’ve asked me before building it. In fact, it’s illegal to build a fence without joint consent of both neighboring property owne–”

“Oh my god, okay, see? This is why I can’t stand you,” you snarl at him and make another move to get past him but he easily steps in front of you to keep you from going anywhere.

With a sigh, he relents. “Fine, I’ll pay for the fence.”

You try to keep the twitching muscles of your face still as you resolutely stare up at him, pressing your lips into a thin line. Through a strained tone, you say, “No. I don’t want you to pay for it anymore.”

He lifts a brow, utterly bewildered at this point. “Huh?”

“Now it just feels like pity. And I don’t want your pity money.”

“Two seconds ago, you did.”

“Yeah, well, whatever. That was two seconds ago.”

“So…let me get this straight, you don’t want me to pitch in?”

“No. I want you to have wanted to pitch in SIX MONTHS AGO.”

“Okay but what the fuck am I supposed to do about that now?”

“NOTHING!!!” you finally snap at him, the shrill to your voice startling him slightly to where you see his shoulders jump, and his eyes are now rounded blue as he looks at you. “There’s nothing you can do about it, there’s nothing you can do to get me to ‘lighten up’ or ‘act softer’ or whatever the fuck kind of damage control you aim to achieve with me due to your pestering incessant need to be liked by every fucking person you come across. So just deal with the fact that I hate you and let me do it in peace.”

He’s silent for what feels like a long time as he blinks at you, his bottom lip pushing up slightly in a way that suggests he’s almost impressed by your little outburst, then he takes a step forward, and in that one large stride, he’s closed any distance between the two of you. Your back is up against the frigid steel of the fridge, your heels tucked under the warm rubber at the foot of it, and you’re looking up at Gojo as he towers over you, his hands still annoyingly and relaxedly shoved into his pockets.

“Do you think it’s gonna be a problem that I think you’re kinda hot when you’re mad?” he asks you.

A small puff of air leaves your lips, like you just can’t believe the audacity, but also having him this close to you suddenly made it a little harder to breathe. “C–...Can you just be fucking serious for one second?”

His head dips down, the fringe of his hair tickling your forehead, tip of his nose slightly brushing against yours, but his gaze never falls to your lips. “You think I’m not being stupid fuckin’ serious when I say that you’re hot?”

“S–” your breath hitches in your throat, and his gaze finally falls to the lick you pass over your lips, “Satoru–”

Like God himself answered to your (cognitively dissonant) prayers, the bell rings, and Gojo leans himself away from you, straightening his spine so he can glance over his shoulder towards the door, a slight look of irritation on his face through the furrow of his brow.

You blink up at him. “A–...Are you expecting someone?”

He rubs the back of his neck. “No. Don’t think so.” He sighs before shuffling around the kitchen island and across the dining hall towards the entryway of the house, and you peer at the sight from across the hall.

When he opens the door, you see Sana standing outside, dressed in mom jeans and a t-shirt with her black Coach purse slung around her shoulder, arms crossed, and you barely register the fact that she looks pissed.

“Sana?” Gojo says, “what’s up.”

She entirely ignores him when she catches sight of you, pushing right past him and into the family room that you were currently finding solace in.

“You,” she points at you, storming right up to your personal space, “what the hell did you say to Juno when you were babysitting her?!”

“H-Huh??” you squeak out, taking a step backwards. “What are you talking about?”

“You told her to fight kids at school?!” she snarls at you, and your eyes widen.

“What?” you say, your face twisting with confusion, “I–...I never said that. I just said that she should stand up for herself if she needs to.”

Sana inhales deeply with rage, leaning back and jutting her hip out as she crosses her arms again. “Yeah, well, I had to pick her up early from school today because the principal called and told me she shoved a little girl on the playground during recess, and now she’s facing suspension.”

Gojo approaches suddenly from your periphery, standing in front of you as he faces Sana. You stand on your tiptoes to peer at her over his shoulder. “What? Why would Juno do something like that?

You hear Sana start to tap her foot impatiently against the hardwood floor, and then she turns her head away from Gojo as a slight hmph! noise leaves her throat. “The why is irrelevant.”

You poke your head out from behind Gojo and glare at her, but then Gojo turns around suddenly to look at you.

“y/n,” he says, “what’s going on?”

“I–” you start, glancing at Sana again who now has a solemn look on her face with pursed lips. You glance back at Gojo, who’s looking at you with confusion and anticipation. A heat spreads down your neck from the attention of the both of them on you, and you’re not sure what the smart thing to say is, so you figure you’ll just tell the truth as it is. “...I just didn’t want her getting bullied and thinking she can’t stick up for herself.”

At that, you see Gojo’s shoulders stiffen. “Bullied?” he repeats after you, then quickly turns towards Sana, “what does she mean, bullied? Juno’s getting bullied at school?”

Sana faces him full-on, raising a stern pointed finger between the two of them “No. Satoru. Stop. You always do this. This has nothing to do with you, so don’t even start. It’s not a big deal, let’s not make it one.”

“The fuck do you mean it’s not a big deal? She’s getting bullied at school, and you want her to just suck it up?” he asks, venom dripping from his tone. 

“It’s for her benefit!” Sana exclaims. “Jun and I have spent months trying to get her into this school! We don’t want her getting kicked out.”

“Y’know, I’m–” you stutter, “I’m gonna–...I’m just gonna go upstairs,” you say, “this seems like a family matter. I think you guys should probably just settle this on your ow–”

“No,” Gojo says, pointing to the couch that you were standing in front of, “sit down.”

You sit.

Gojo turns to face Sana again, and although you can’t see his face, you imagine he’s pissed off from the way Sana’s shoulders drop slightly and her sharp expression is cut into a more sheepish one.

“Who cares if Juno is suspended for sticking up for herself? It’s the teachers’ fault for not making sure she’s safe,” he says.

“Shoving other kids is not the solution.”

“Well if you fuck around, then you find out. Kids are too soft these days.”

“This is not the 90s, Satoru.”

You watch the back and forth between the two of them for the better part of an entire minute, feeling uneasy in the hostile environment of the room, but there’s a sense of underlying familiarity between the two, one that is recognizable amongst family. And you feel rather foreign, but then remember that, technically speaking, now that you’re married to Gojo, this is your family too.

Amongst the arguing of the adults, none of you noticed that Juno had gotten out of the car in the driveway and was now standing in the doorframe of the front entrance. She looks scared and guilty, fidgeting with her fingers in front of her, and you notice her scrapes and bruises that you tended to last week were now mostly healed. 

Gojo catches sight of her, and you see his shoulders relax. “Juno, c’mere.”

With the permission, she instantly runs towards him and into his arms from where he was crouched down to the floor in order to welcome her, and then she starts sobbing.

“I’m–hic,” she cries, “I’m so–hic–I’m so sowwyyy Uncle Toru…I’m–hic–I’m sorry mommyyyy.” 

You see Sana sigh and she makes a move to brush Juno’s tear-dampened hair out of her face when Gojo pulls her away from his shoulder by a delicate hold of her bony little shoulders.

“Juno. Listen. If people are being mean to you, then you do exactly as your auntie y/n said. You stand up for yourself. And if that doesn’t work, then you cuss at them and threaten to shove their faces into the dirt until they run away with their tails between their legs. Do you understand me?” Gojo tells her.

Sana gives you a pointed look.

“Oh, I–” you put your hands up in front of you, “I didn’t say any of that last part.”

“Do you understand me?” Gojo repeats again, and Juno nods her head slowly before she falls back into him and soaks his shirt with tears. “I’m soowwwwwyyyyyy.”

Gojo pats her back a few times to comfort her, and your heart breaks for the little girl. It’s bad enough to be bullied at school, but then to be reprimanded by your mother the one time you stand up for yourself…you can imagine how emotionally exhausting that would be for a five-year-old. 

Juno sniffles, rubbing her snot all over the cotton of Gojo’s shirt, and then pulls her face away to rub at her eye with a weakly closed fist. “I–hic–I just…I just wanted him to feel–hic–the same hurt.”

“Huh? Who?” Gojo asks.

“The boy,” Juno says, “the one that shoved me today.”

“It was a boy?!?!?!” Gojo yells. “Alright. That’s it. I’m grabbing my bat.”

“Satoru.” Sana deadpans.

Sana and Gojo continue to bicker about the ethics of threatening five-year-old boys with baseball bats, going back and forth about how Gojo wasn’t actually going to do anything but just wanted to instill fear (he’s lying), while Sana isn’t exactly sold on a single pacifist thing that he says, and you sigh, because you realize you’ve become invested in one of, what you feel like will become many, of their family quarrels.

Juno sneaks around Gojo’s legs and comes up to you while the arguing is taking place in the background, and she gently taps your knee as you’re seated on the couch. “Auntie y/n,” she whispers.

You rub an eye crustie from her face and then hold her hand in yours. “Yes?”

“Thank you.”

“Mm? For what?”

She smiles at you, her cheeks pink and flush from crying but rounded now in glee. “My mommy and daddy spoke a lot today at home for first time in long time because of me. Because I listen’ded to you. Thank you.”

Your eyes narrow. “What do you mean by that, sweetheart?”

Why wouldn’t Sana and Jun be on normal talking terms? What does Juno mean that it’s been a long time? What exactly was going on at home?

“Juno,” Sana’s voice interrupts your thoughts, her arms crossed across her chest, “c’mon. Let’s go.” She points a stern finger at Gojo. “Seriously. I mean it. No baseball bats or rodent traps involved. I’ll talk to the teachers and sort something out.” She glances at you, that strict look on her face now dissolving into one of pure exhaustion. One you can imagine only a mother can face. “See you later at dinner, you two.”

Juno runs up to her mom and grabs onto her outreached hand, and you see Gojo ruffle her hair as she walks past him, her giggles ringing in the air, and then he sees them out the door. 

The air is awkward, at least to you, the second he closes the door, and when he turns around to face you, your body stiffens up.

He leans back onto the front door, crossing his arms over his chest. “Thanks,” he says, “for telling Juno to stick up for herself.”

You blink at him. “Well. I don’t feel too great about it at the moment, to be honest.”

He sighs. “I just think that Jun and Sana are raising her to be…kinda meek. I wish they’d teach her to be more confident and take up space.”

“Mhm,” you nod. Because you agree. Little girls need to learn how to be that way at a young age, because the world is seldom very kind to them.

“Well, what you said to her is what I would’ve said to her anyways,” he says.

You roll your eyes, standing up from the couch and heading back into the kitchen to presume your work on your peach cobbler. “I never told her to shove kids’ faces into the dirt. But, uh, sure, I guess so.”

You see Gojo enter the kitchen too in your periphery, but you don’t give him any glance or look or attention. From what you can see as you stir around your macerated peaches in a Pyrex bowl, he’s leaning against the island counter about three feet away from you, his hands shoved in his pockets, and he’s watching you. A slight warmth radiates in your cheeks, but you attempt to ignore the nerves by being hypnotized by the pink syrup that pools at the bottom of the bowl.

My mommy and daddy spoke a lot today at home for first time in long time because of me. Because I listen’ded to you. Thank you.

An unsettling feeling takes over your senses. It could be the past few years you’ve spent walking on eggshells around your mother, or the way you’ve become so keen to her energy as a way of staying on top of any shift in her symptoms, any single sign of disease progression, any clue that she wasn’t getting better. Any clue that she wasn’t doing okay. And you feel a sense of dread, because that skill, you realize, has now made you aware of similar circumstances in the people around you.

Not to mention, you are a child of divorce. You know what that fear feels like.

You just want to know if Juno feels safe at home.

“Hey, um…” you start, turning slightly to finally face Gojo, your eyes hesitantly flickering up to meet his gaze, “when was the last time you saw your brother-in-law? And with Sana?”

He raises a brow at you. “I just saw them last weekend for one of Juno’s dance recitals.”

“Ah…I see,” you say. You purse your lips together. 

Right. Kids say things all the time. They believe in Santa Claus and think that blueberry pancakes are called blubbery pancakes. And they sometimes read too into things, and they sometimes read too little. Surely, things must be okay. Maybe Sana and Jun had had a little argument with some stubbornly thawing cold shoulders, a demeanor that was noticed by their child, and now things have resumed to normal. That was normal. Part of every family. “That’s good to know…” 

You turn away from Gojo to stare back down into the bowl of macerated peaches again. With a furrowed brow, you close your eyes tightly to try to shake the chilly feeling in your bones, and you feel better when you open them again. The slightly numb sensation in your hand dissipates and you have enough dexterity to mix the peaches around in the bowl.

“I wonder what news they want to share with us over dinner,” you say, to quell the awkward silence.

“Hm?” Gojo hums, and you see him turn around face the counter now, hovering over the bowl of raw crumble topping you had mixed together, prodding at it with the wooden spoon. “Oh, they’re moving.”

Your head snaps to look at him. “W-What?”

“Yeah,” he nonchalantly affirms, scooping up a spoonful of the crumble. “They wanted to up-size, and move a little closer to the school that Juno’s at. I found them a nice place about an hour from here on the outskirts of the city. They just signed the papers a couple weeks ago.” And then he shoves the spoon into his mouth.

“Oh…wow,” you say. “Okay…”

“Damn,” Gojo says with surprise laced in his tone, "this is really good.” He’s staring into the bowl in awe and then scoops up some more crumble with a spoon.

You blink at him, irritated that he’s eating all your ingredients without even asking, and before you’ve even finished your dessert. It’s like he was born to piss you off.

You walk up to him and yank the bowl away, “Gimme that.” Then you pull it into the divot of your waist possessively and glare at him. 

He sighs, and then says something out loud that you’re sure he meant to keep in his head:

“I’ll get used to it.”

.

.

.

[end of chapter 5]

a/n. it feels so strange to post such a short chapter bahaha hopefully the ending isn't too abrupt. but hope you enjoyed! i'm so sorry ab the slow burn in this series aaa but i can try to assure you that it'll all be worth it hopefully lol i'm really excited for what i have planned for this series!! alsooo sorry if there are errors or anything, i'm trying to spend less time editing since it really stalls me n leads to writer's block lol. hope to see you in the next one :) much love! - ellie

➸ take me to chapter six!

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[acesluvrxx]

waiting for aces bday

i love love love love ace likeeee yall js dont fw ace like i do BRUHHHHHHH

anyways!! random essay about MY man bcus i love him and its 2:30 am and im on my period ..

i love you portgas d. ace. i’ve found comfort in you during the hardest moments of my life. you’ve always been there for me. i love everything about you. i cherish everything about you. your questionable choices, your admirable ambition about achieving your goals, your smile, your freckles, your dimples, your hat, the smileys on your hat as well as the red beads, your two belts, your compass watch, your bracelet that looks like a candy cane, that little blue latch on bag around your knee, the thing on ur elbow (what is that) your tattoos your silly little black boots that i wish were at my doorstep already ughhhh literally everythinggg ur so perfect

he’s just so important to me! like i actually cry over him everyday! like right now! im sitting on my bed listening to “boy is mine” by brandy & monica whisper-shouting the lyrics while pointing to my ace shrine! and wishing he was here to comfort me while these cramps make me want to jump!

i want his hands in mine, i want to do that cute thing where we compare hand sizes and have banter like “your hand is so big ace” and he’d be like “nah, yours are just small” ARGHHHH MY HEARTTT I CANT and they’d be all freckled and calloused but still warm bcus hes fireeeeeeeeeeee

why am i lowk spasming ugh I LOVE ACE i love all his outfits too !

and dont even get me started on him as a character like he deserved the best out of the world and js. WHEN I CATCH U ODA. i will defend ace with my life if anyone tries to play w me about him.

like wym he was born to die? no? hes safe at home with me and our 312 babies and one cat? marineford was filler. blackbeard is in hell. so is akainu.

its just. the way words literally can not describe how i feel towards this man like he is the most perfect, finest, handsomest, hottest, charming, fiery, hot-headed, polite, respectful, softie, caring, protective man ever i do not care if its greasy ace, wano ace, older ace, manga ace, treasure cruise ace, horribly 3d animated ace, or boichi ace i see any kind of ace and i’m on my knees begging with my mouth wide open or bent over and legs spread like please baby i can take all of it rough or gentle however you want it i will comply but at the same time i’m so genuinely in love with him like ace altered my brain chemistry because i physically can not find any other man fine.. because they can’t be !! ace IS perfect !! he’s so respectful and fine!! and like bro? his voice is so pretty? he is so slay? like he took out five marine ships with one fire fist? his va also just casually cooks food for the rest of the cast? is there something ace can’t do fr like.. AND OMG I COULD YAP ABOUT HIS PRETTY, SINCERE SMILE ALLL DAYYYY ITS SOOO CUTEE LIKE PLEASEE I BOUGHT THE RING TOO JUST PROPOSE BAE IF U DONT I WILL its so sweet and pretty he’s smiling at me all day i’m smiling back and crying WAHHHHHHHW9HUEHGAEIRHGIUGIDFIGHDIFHIDFHBIRJEGODIBGDKGJD LISTENING TO HIS SONG ON LOOP LIKE BAE?? U SAVED MY HEART?? i just want to cuddle him and hug him and hold him and kiss him and make him feel better about himself bc garp is a bitch?? so is akainu?? everyone’s a bitch except luffy, whitebeard, and sabo pretty much HE DOES NOT DESERVE TO BE HATED ON JUST FOR LIVING LIKE ROGER YO BITCH ASS DID NOT HAVE TO NEGLECT YO CHILD AND PUT THE BURDEN OF BEING YO SON ON HIM SINCE THE MOMENT HE WAS BORN??

i will tell him he’s pretty and that he deserves to be alive and that he’s worth it and whoever shits on him is a piece of shit who don’t know what the fuck they’re talking about !! i want to be there for him and take him on dates and make him happy !! ill become a housewife bae i already got the apron on !! ill cook yo fave food, bathe u, bathe with you, do all of ur hobbies with u, sleep with u like anytime u fall asleep on me or anywhere? bae i have a blanket prepared ill tuck u in make sure u have a good sleep kiss u goodnight every night and tell u how much i love u even if its annoying ace u are my everything idk what to do bc i will not accept anyone else into my life atp.. ace ur my man my only man

i luv u portgas d ace

goodnight every1

[naumin]

2024 retrospective and 2025 goals

this is the censored version of this post. for full images, check out the full free post on subscribestar!

hi :)

i'm really happy with everything i achieved in 2024. it was my first year illustrating full time, meaning no school and no salaried job on the side (believe me i tried to get one) and i'm happy to report i did not die! fuck yes. i even illustrated for 7 (i think) art books, designed merch for 2 and organised my first collab fanbook.

from top left clockwise: michael deforge, anna haifisch, Michel Esselbrügge, CLAMP, saul bass, jon whitcomb, rene gruau, paul rand, molly fairhurst

at the beginning of 2024 i made this moodboard for influences i wanted to incorporate into my work more, they are pretty much the same faves ive had for years but i just wanted to have them in front of me and start deliberately choosing elements to ape.

i'd say i basically want to incorporate more 2D cartoon graphic elements combined with detailed, realistic, delicately rendered characters, more theatric background design and props... features like borders etc. the thing about a moodboard is unless you print it out and put it up by your desk it will sort of slide to the back of your mind which is what i think happened w mine LOL. cuz looking at this now im like well i didnt really hit all these ideas but i did inch closer.

the first pic here is sth i drew immediately after making the board and i like it but it does feel like a slightly clumsy attempt at mashing stuff together... i wouldn't say that it shows i dont understand whats appealing about the work i was referencing (even though thats how it looks), its more like the picture goes in an unexpected direction while making it LOL. but that's part of the fun. whereas in my mind the 2nd pic spiritually embodies the ideas of the ppl i'm trying to copy. even tho visually it's still a ways off. its probably my favourite thing i drew all year? :) though that's hard to say bcus i'm so pleased w so many other pieces especially those u can see on my summary pic!!!

i have a few more artists i wanna add to my board and then i will definitely print it this time so i can look at it every day instead of just twice a year LOL.

another thing im really pleased about is the number of comics i drew in 2024. i have this odd relationship with comics where i do draw them and have for years and im more or less decent at them but i act like drawing them mortally wounds me. like im so dramatic... i do partially believe the only way ill ever be able to complete a longform comic is through abusing stimulants but you know ill also never find out if i keep crawling off to die after inking a page. i see a lot of illustrators suffering when approaching comics from the illustration mindset of making beautiful pictures instead of the comics mindset of making finished pictures, but u know, im extremely slapdash as an illustrator and im also proud enough to believe im a guy that can do both, so its really time i act like it... basically just shut up and draw. i want to apply this especially to perspective drawing/panel backgrounds, which im, like, fine at. honestly fine at. i do think i trip myself up because i want to be the next dostoevsky or beyonce or whatever, i want to be great, but have to remember the most anyone can do is aspire to express something from your inner world. everything else is secondary.

one thing i learned the hard way is how hard it is to have work life balance when you work from your bedroom and 'monestise your hobby'... you know, the thing everyone has been warning each other about for years. turns out its real. its super confusing when so many elements of your work bleed into your social life, physical health, leisure time etc -- like i go online for fun, and also to promote myself. so wheres the distinction? i watch movies for entertainment but also for research... ive definitely felt like ive been working around the clock or my job has consumed my life at points. but i think being stricter with my work hours is the way forward. it truly is shaytan at the wheel when u answer an email at 3AM... no more of this!

and tied into this is being realistic about what i can achieve in a day and not feeling ashamed or that i need to do more... i get stuck in this silly loop that's like... 'i believe everyone should work 4 hours a day, but because other people are stuck working 40 hours a week i should also be making myself do that' and then i work myself into a flare up and wreck my work ethic and enjoyment. u can laugh... i know it doesnt make sense. well i wont do it any more. because i CANT... because i will DIE... some days i work 4 hours. some days i work 6. some days i work half an hour... it doesnt matter as long as stuff gets done.. and it does.

also want to talk about my chronic pain and hypermobility... after a year of lifting weights i am stunned to let u know ive actually improved. unfortunately i dont look anything like the rock and i still cant do a real push up but im stronger and have more stamina and suffer from way less zaps and aches and numbness, which was unthinkable before. i only really noticed after taking a trip and doing different activities (painting walls) that i can physically do a lot more than i usually do at home. but also my house is fucking cold so its hard to do anything for anyone. hoping for warmer days and big muscles to come.

some of my other art goals are to work more on paper whenever i can. i used to have a huge stack of newsprint on my drawing board underneath my ipad and id doodle and test ideas on that paper before drawing it digitally. i wanna do that again. many people find its easier to 'think' on paper and im the same. whenever i have an idea i wanna go 'what would this look like on paper?' and then find out.

i want to be thinking about composition and storytelling more in my illustrations, as in, think cinematic, movie posters, communicating big ideas. even if that idea is only as big as 'this blue looks great with this orange'... i want to make more stuff that looks like promotional material for my stories. of course behind every movie poster is 100,000 thumbnails and sketches and half-finished ideas. i want to remember that and not be hard on myself for drawing girl in profile #997.

i want to draw more autobio comics, just to be drawing more comics and also to look back on and know what i was doing that day. nothing fancy. a lot of people are doing that gentle comics habit this year and i fear my competitive nature may get me into it too.

i have more books i wanna create which ive talked about at length in my last diary entry and for now i think that's enough goals thank you very much. thank you for reading this far and for all your support. happy new year! love you x

[saltnpepperbunny]

Hi SPB, I was wondering where your motivation/creativity comes from and how you harness it? Thank you!

Hi! owo Uhhh a few different places. My motivation and my creativity come from different places but they work together to help me do what I do.

My motivation to make comics comes from:

Comments and feedback, I want my art to be a conversation with another person and thus feedback is kinda what I make comics for. I love how as my stories speak, people will speak back.

The fun of drawing, I just enjoy drawing comics like as an activity, it makes me happy, it's a very rhythmic and relaxing process, and thus its a regular part of my days. I just love having the finished page to stare at at the end.

The fervor of storytelling, that shit's my serotonin bro, I just need to write stories, it's an important part of how I navigate my life on like a structural level. It's how I process the world around me, so as my life goes on and stuff happens, I feel motivated to write about it. And comics are the main way I do my writing now.

To keep up w my community, I surround myself w other comic artists and a lot of us work, draw, and create together. It's a sacred bond between artists. u'w'u If I stopped comicking, I'd have like nothing to show them? There'd be no goal to work towards? Most of my friends make comics lol.

And my creativity comes from:

The need to process, as life treks on I tend to have Big Feelings about Almost Everything and writing is how I process those feelings and just, the world around me in general. You input experiences into this machine and I will output a fiction story. It's how I make sense of things and make meaning of my experiences.

The drive to keep improving, I always want my storytelling to get better and thus I have to continuously get creative to invent new ways to write and draw better. It's a never ending process, there is ALWAYS something to sharpen, so I just keep searching for new means to improve, things to tweak, ways something could be better. It's a never ending challenge and I need challenge in my life. It's like something to work on.

Internal experiences, feelings, opinions, fears, hopes, wishes, thoughts, ideas, questions, answers, et cetera.

Love, is definitely involved. Love has a huge involvement in my creative process. It's soaked into so many different, little parts of the process. Like uhhh taking a character through a journey? That's love. Writing new kinds of rep? That takes love. It's kinda just everywhere and it's something I can draw from very consistently cause those Big Feelings I mentioned includes love.

I also tend to write from anger and a strong sense of in/justice. Could you tell lol.

I like to take a lot of inspiration from nature, also. All my backgrounds are just me blowing a kiss to mother nature.

This is getting long sorry but how to harness it all, uhhhhh. Practice. Build habits. Make an effort to get creative on the regular, not necessarily every day, but try to avoid massive dry spells unless you're really not doing well or there's an understandable reason for it. Dry spells are ultimately unavoidable but don't have to define your creative cycle, it IS possible to create on the reg unless you're not taking care of yourself well. Don't only create when you're hyperfixated cause that just builds a habit to do that, if you're not feeling up to it, just do the thing for like 30 minutes and then either stop and chill or keep going cause the momentum will now carry you. I create p much every day cause it's an important part of how I navigate my life i.e. the processing motive and insatiable need for challenge, I can never stop writing now as long as I live cause writing is how I meet those needs. So yeah, just be like me and sell your soul to the gods art! Make the thing you wanna do fun, don't beat your head against a brick wall if that creative hobby you're trying to get into just really isn't sticking, it's not ALWAYS meant to be and it's okay to admit that and just move on and try something new. I tried many different kinds of art before I ever found comicking and it stuck, and now I basically just do comicking and some of my other older creative hobbies fell away. That's fine, that's life, you'll find your thing if you keep searching out new things. Oh, and also get in community, surround yourself w other creatives and consume they're work, trust me you'll get inspired p quick.

wow this got longER. sorry!

[algolagniaa]

guide to loving being active for sedentary people who hate exercise

(written by a former sedentary person who hated exercise)

literally forget all of your preconceived ideas about working out. the culture around exercise tends to be very aesthetic focused. do X to lose weight and get a nice ass and a bikini body. well throw that in the trash it is basically useless. there’s also an element of NO PAIN NO GAIN, PUSH YOURSELF TO THE LIMIT, NO EXCUSES, WAKE UP AT 5 AND DO CROSSFIT OR YOU’RE AN ABSOLUTE LOSER and I do think that attitude serves a purpose but it was super offputting to me as a beginner so if it doesn’t resonate with you than throw it in the trash too. of course you wouldn’t want to do something that sucks?? but it doesn’t Have to suck there is no rule that says moving your body has to be miserable

moving your body is supposed to feel good! there is Some kind of movement that feels good to everyone. if you say there’s no kind of movement you like you simply haven’t tried the right thing yet. play around with it! honestly if you’re autistic or aligned literally just think of exercise as an elaborate way to stim. or a tool I use and love is ecstatic dance. basically just dancing without any thought to anything other than what feels good in the moment. this will help you get in tune with your body if you aren’t already

you also don’t have to do the classic “work out” workouts everyone talks about. for me personally lifting weights, running, and anything that requires me to be in the gym is deeply deeply boring to me so I rarely do those things. what I do really love is music and being in nature so I gravitate towards dance and outdoor sports. think about ways to incorporate your physical body into things you already love. also if you’re a spiritual person at all I often find myself thinking about the connection between body and spirit. movement helps me turn my thinking mind off and just be.

once you’ve found an activity you love you can pick goals that are meaningful to you. trying to build muscle or get a squat butt or w/e could never get me motivated enough to work towards it because I ultimately didn’t care about it. but I do care about improving my ballet performance or building up my biking endurance enough to participate in a group biking trip. the goals can also be a little bit arbitrary. I was drowning in ballet for a long time because I sucked at all of it but then decided I really wanted to focus on improving my developpes in particular and working towards that helped everything else improve too. once you have a goal that you actually want to do you’ll actually start incorporating some of the sucky kinds of exercise, only they won’t suck as much because now you have a reason to actually want to do them

also, keep sight of the fact that exercise opens up your life to so much. there’s that post that goes around about being a ��🌳🌷hiker and not a 🏃🏻‍♀️👟🥇 hiker but pushing the 🏃🏻‍♀️👟🥇 allows you to see more 🍃🌳🌷. the more I am active the more energy I have to do all the cool shit I want to do whether it’s physical or not (though in my experience once you get into one physical hobby it makes you want to have more physical hobbies). you get to do a lot of cool shit there would be no way for you to do otherwise (like zip lining or hiking to a hidden lake or aerial silks or finding hidden bike trails or canoeing down a river or many many more) and you also can do all the other things you want to do without getting tired as easily. and you NEVER EVER have to complain about all your joints hurting at the ripe age of 25. living an active lifestyle is like a cheat code to having a way more fun and exciting life than you could possibly have otherwise

[formula-red]

thank u @gaygglejuice27 @f1-giuki and @sennaverstappen for the tags ily MWAH!!!!!!!

get to know ur moots qs!!!!

Are you named after anyone? yes but my full name was her nickname, she was a close family friend and possibly one of the most kind, intelligent, talented, and hilarious people i have ever known and it might sound cliche but i really am honoured to be named after her. my middle name is also after another woman who was a strong bad ass bitch (my great aunt) so kinda balling out in that sense.

When was the last time you cried? yesterday? yeah yesterday. i never used to cry and now i do all the time i don't know what's happened

Do you have kids? no but being a mom is my ultimate goal in life so ideally want to have some before the end of this decade lol

Do you use sarcasm a lot? uh yes. probably to the extreme. but being dry and sarcastic af has helped me get along with the brits hahah

What sports do you play/have you played? i had to stop playing sports when i got sick but i played footy since i was 3 (centre mid like khadizah heh heh), and then lacrosse and ice hockey most of my life. also field hockey for a year. but ice hockey was by far my biggest love i miss it so much. oh and i hike a lot now if that counts

What's the first thing you notice about other people? eyes and smile fs. for someone who hates eye contact i sure do pay a lot of attention to ppls faces/eyes lol

Scary movies or happy ending? happy ending, life is hard enough as it is

Any special talents? something is wrong with the joints in my pinky fingers so i can move them like a robot. also i make music which isn't that special but oh well

Where were you born? in the state of massachusetts in the grand ol us of a

What are your hobbies? f1 (in case u didn't notice), music, writing, hiking, video games, making imovies, i keep up with footy a bit

Do you have any pets? i have two dogs back in the states, one in particular was my buddy and i miss her so much. can't think about her too much or i'll cry

How tall are you? 5'3" ≈ 161cm

Fave subject in school? biology & choir pre-uni, obviously in uni psych since i've gone on to get my masters in it but also environmental bio still has my heart.

Dream job? stay at home mom or homesteader. yes yes i know i sound alt-right or something but i mean this in a fuck capitalism i wanna be a self sufficient hippie and have my kids get an experiential education kinda way.

Eye colour? blue but my right one has some brown streaks in it.

a lot of ppl have been tagged so i don't know who has n hasn't, either way tagging (as always w/out any pressure at all) my pals mwah mwah mwah @usersewis @schumigrace @simplywrong @rossocorsaseb @albonium @skitskatdacat63 **eta: @osaka-lilac i don't know why it didn't paste ur un when i copied over from the notes app you were supposed to be in here too ;;;;;-;;;;; ILY ILY ILY ILY**

[luxtax]

Hi!! I was wondering: how long have you been a professional?

While I have artistic skills, I am JUST BARELY entering the paid-professional world and I find it very daunting. I aspire to charge the prices you charge, but I'm worried about jumping in too deep when I don't even have a following yet, haha!

When you were starting out, what kind of prices did you charge? Are you glad you picked that level? Were people receptive to it? How long did it take for you to get where you are?

I'm sorry if you've answered these questions somewhere, but I could not find these answers ;w;

Also, feel free to ignore this - no hard feelings! I'm just impressed with you, and I'd like to get where you are some day (:

Hello! Don't worry this isn't a bother at all and I'm always happy to answer any questions people have! Of course art is subjective and what works for some people might not work for others so keep that in mind! This is general advice from my own life/journey and can/should be adjusted to fit you and your specific skill/level/life.

Now with that out of the way, I've been doing art commissions on/off since I was about 15/16ish. I've always had side jobs to stay afloat until about 2+ years ago. In 2020 I went fulltime with art and started considering myself professional. However, the second you take a commission it becomes a job, you got paid for a service and you're entering the professional world vs the hobby world. You have to take it seriously and understand that being your own boss comes with many benefits as well as hazards. Being diligent and disciplined while also maintaining your work/life balance with your physical and mental health in mind is harder than it looks. However, it CAN be done, don't let it deter you just be mindful.

I 100% encourage everyone/anyone to give it a try if that is your dream. It is very daunting and I implore you to take your time with it. Building an audience is really important, but so is loving your craft. Creating art YOU want to see in the world, depending on what kind of art you do there are a lot of options available.

When I first started out, like many artists I severely undercharged for my work. Three things should be taken into account when you're doing commissions -- 1. how long does it take you? Hourly rate. Make sure you're making at least minimum wage. 2. Skill level. Now this is subjective, but if you hone a craft you should charge more for it. Art is something you can always keep striving for improvement on. As your skills grow, so should your price. If you get more diverse with your species, styles, backgrounds and so on. All of that has to play a part in pricing yourself. 3. Market. The market fluxes, what is your audience? What is your market? I believe marketing is more than half of the battle of being an artist. Art is subjective, everyone has an audience somewhere. However, finding that audience and marketing to them effectively can be a challenge. Each website has analytics that help with engagement -- especially as a starting artist. Each website has a best time to post, what content does best, how responsive people are and so on. These are things you can research but it will also involve just a lot of trial & error.

People were not always receptive to my work, I've failed 100+ times and I will fail 100+ more. Art and being a creative in general is a lot about failure and refusing to give up. If something doesn't work out, you have to adjust and try again. It's the blunt reality that I know a lot of us don't talk about, nobody likes to fail but when you create something new and original that's just par for the course. So don't be afraid of failure, it'll happen and it's okay. Just try again, there is no perfect time to put yourself out there. Remember set manageable goals and standards, take care of your body (seriously stretch and take breaks. Don't draw on pure white. Like take care of yourself you only get one body. Art is taxing labor) and ALWAYS ALWAYS celebrate your small victories.

It took me many years to get where I am at now, but I caught a lucky break after putting in a ton of work. Optimizing my posting time and staying extreme consistent was a huge part of my success. Marketing skills are your BEST FRIEND. Art is a lot of skill, luck and marketing. If you keep trying at it and working towards your goal eventually you will get it to work. The key is consistency, patience, and gradual growth.

I believe in you and every other aspiring artist, take that first step. Failure is nothing to fear, it's growth and experience points.

[regan-arksey]

Week 1: Strengths And Weaknesses

Hello! My name is Regan Arksey, first and foremost I'm excited to be working with my new class and I look forward to this new learning experience. As a starting post, I will be listing a few entrepreneur strengths and weaknesses I posses! Starting off strong, I have been raised by a family that has quite a bit of business history (my father owning a gas station). This, in turn, had my parents put me through a bunch of afterschool programs that better molded me into a social/leadership type person. That being said, two of my biggest strengths is effectively communicating with customers/employees and my ability to think creatively/outside the box! My visionary type of creativity stems from my hobby of being a self taught digital art (to which I've been doing for roughly three years now though I've been doing art all my life). Since I've been working in A&W for a good 5 years, one of my bigger weaknesses is that I'm used to working for people instead of having people work for me. I find it more relaxing being told what to do instead of telling others what to do, I sometimes find it difficult to face problems (such as an upset customer) because I'm afraid of anger, though working for 5 years in A&W, I have grown more resistant. This stems from my non-confrontational nature, as I'd much rather just go with what others may say (this can also be seen as a pro to some degree, as it shows I am able to keep calm in stressful situations). The good thing, however, about the type of business I do is that I am my own owner and do not need employees (digital artist as mentioned prior) That being said, I have taken on a leadership roll at A&W as a senior cashier worker - so much so that I've even trained our regional manager when he first started! I make concepts in a workplace easy to understand, so much so others can do the same. Another strength of mine is my ability to financially plan smartly. This is also due to the fact my father is a finances type of man, so I've learned a lot off of him. Saving money on the side incase something happens and being able to limit/budget myself. The beauty of this type of business I will be running through this course is that I will not need to use a budget. I use a free digital art program with all the tools I'd ever need! No need for that pricey Photoshop here! One last weakness I do face is my time management. If there's something I do not understand, I will procrastinate/hold it off until I start stressing. Its what ended up happening to this post, I would have had this done sooner had I sat down and read it more clearly/thought it through. Though once I do understand an objective or an end-goal I get it done as soon as possible without hesitation. Since I've been doing art for myself as well and only myself, I've never challenged myself to actually put a deadline on. Though, since I will be taking a couple of commissions now through this course - I will have to start doing so which I am confident I will be able to meet! In the end, I know I will do well and achieve all the goals I will set for myself. When I meet failure, I will pick myself right back up and double down to achieve success the next time around. I look forward to what this course has in store for me and I'm excited to see what I can learn!

[eggsandtrifles]

6 Years Later and Starting Over

(This is a weird introductory statement about me starting over my hobby as a small-time content creator: thank you for reading!)

I'm currently wondering if my author's voice has been too weird or cringy for what I wanted to achieve in the past. It's feels strange coming back to social media. Of all of the things that changed, what especially stands out for me now is that I don't want to oveshare my life with the already-established community that I struggled to build. Six years ago, that would have been different-- I was desperate to be seen and heard, because writing and creating content was my form of therapy (and still is, to some extent). Six years ago, my mindset was SO different compared to what I developed into now. (There's a lot of psychology to unpack with this being said, but that's for another time.)

This week I got a chance to catch-up on what's been going on with an old mentor of mine through revisiting her YouTube channel-- the platform that started it all. I remember being fifteen years old, dreaming big about winning a full-ride scholarship and getting huge recognition, then escaping the pressures of becoming a medical doctor (to afford the finer things in life *EYEROLL*) by going to an Ivy-League and leaving the world behind. I was going to represent the science community as brilliant young scientist. I would finally get a break to work with the UK's best to produce crime-fiction and become a well-respected Sherlockian. Writer, actress, director... dream on Johnny.

I remember the enthusiasm I had to achieve all of this, spilling everything to my long-distant friend, who at that time already achieved a portion of my goals through winning the scholarship that I mentioned.

She's pretty much a big sister to me, about five years apart in age. She was in college by the time I was submitting videos to the scholarship and trying to build a social media presence. I remember our conversations when we followed each other on Instagram. They were amazing, except looking back, I feel like my younger self was so annoying to deal with. I had the mindset that I was raised with. I assumed everyone should know what they were doing and they should stick with it. There was no room for exploration or growth. You finish what you started. Back then, my friend knew what I can now understand at twenty-one as I am finally taking control of my happiness.

So, after six years of minor achievements that I wanted to define my life, what happened?

I started college in the fall of 2022, and it took exactly four semesters and a half to change my identity and join the secret service... no, that didn't happen. Sometimes I don't think college even helped because, boy ... small town colleges are their own heck of a circus. But that's not the story I'm trying to get to (that's a sitcom for another day). As of now, M is no longer pretending to be the best pre-medical student who is everyone's hero. Although she is super happy with the career choice that she made (despise the craziness of being shared by two departments, like having two families), she is no longer trying to be defined by her work.

M wants to explore the things that she loved. HOWEVER, M wants to do this without overly explaining things to her old community. In fact, I feel like a lot of my posts were about me trying to explain who I am and why I did things, as if I was writing a personal statement with every new update. INSECURE. What really bothers me is everyone was totally okay with it! I was perceived as a great achiever because of my actions, and I couldn't step out of it without giving an explanation. Heck, I might be doing that right now...

I want this to be a statement of letting go and starting over. I am here to share my projects and artwork as person that no one is going to perceive based on their background knowledge this socially awkward teen that they followed in real-time back in whenever the heck I started this... (2019?)

YOU KNOW WHAT, I TAKE THAT BACK.

My Tumblr friends were the only folks that totally cool with me, because I wasn't trying to prove anything to them. Unfortunately, I lost access to my old account, and I am a little more than disappointed. NGL the fandom stuff got a little out of control (House M.D., Jeeves and Wooster, Granada Holmes, etc.), but I really want to rediscover the sense of community that I had on Tumblr. Cheers to trying to hop back into content creating!

[thoughtcock]

2024 wrapped

Things I did

March: Taylor Swift eras tour shoutout to marcus, brought harvey to singapore

June: First truly solo trip in vietnam (afforded a michelin meal for my own bday)

Nov: Bangkok trip with harvey and meeting my dad after a year, my brother since before covid

Career (w)

1 Started to stabilize and be more familiar with the company and workflow

2 Learnt extra things like China breaking news

3 Hearing good comments about me from colleagues and management (hard working, dedicated, take initiative, detailed oriented)

4 Having management that is normal lol, can talk to them rather freely

5 Despite some grey areas on my job scope (because earnings specialist don’t have things to do when there’s no earnings) I think I did the best I can to make sure my time at work is meaningful and people recognize for that

6 overcoming anxieties better (1st half and second half has difference)

7 Don’t beat myself up over mistakes I made (better compared to last year when I would panic over small mistakes and my colleagues told me to chill) 8 Helped out with more major earnings and planning and trained new ppl how to do it

Career (L)

1 Dealing with incompetent people and getting emotional about it, sometimes letting my mood sour for hours or days even

2 Breaking news still things to improve like sending headlines more instantly

3 Don’t really feel I have close friends in office, hard to blend in and like a lone wolf of sorts

4 Think I should market myself better so I get even more recognized for the detailed things

5 After feeling like I’m finally settling in my team, i now have to deal with a new team next year (good and bad, challenges lie ahead)

Relationships (w)

1 Managed to convince Harvey to travel more, I enjoy seeing him relaxed and not stressed (learning lessons from sg)

2 Still stable with harvey, enjoy our little inside jokes quality dates when we are not lazy

3 Introducing harvey to more people who ate important to me (dad, little brother, shin)

Relationship (L)

1 How to navigate harvey’s hardships and deal with negative energy, encourage him better while trying to balance my energy

2 How we can improve our quality time together (more intentional dates, shared hobbies, openess, try to have more things to say)

Family / Friends (w)

1 reframing my relationship with family. seeing them as human (work in progress)

2 The realization that my mom doesn’t worry about me anymore, which is nice and i feel more at ease (now she worries more about my bro)

3 realizing that my brother is growing up

4 intentional time with friends like today

5 nugget: learning consistency and patience, how to be nurturing and caring, being capable of giving love

Family/friends (l)

1 Still a work in progress trying to be more present, make initiative to connect with people

2 carve more time

3 learning to really accept and let go of the past, not sure if fully let go but will keep trying

4 Starting to realize quality over quantity matters in relationships, cut out more in hanging out with people and meeting more with people who matter most

Personal

1 Pretty big year of personal growth for me

2 Really enjoying staying at home and starting to do more cozy hobbies (coloring, ACNH, building, yoga stretches, reading again) and realizing it helps my wellbeing

3 Became tidier because a neat personal space does make a difference

4 regular therapy to help spill my feelings and internalize

5 biggest win is friends and family realizing i have changed for the better

personal (l)

1 continue to accept parts that i don’t like about myself, like being introverted and quiet

2 be ok with misunderstandings from people who matter less

3 as long as i live my truth

4 letting go of trash/garbage

5 still have some inertia in doing things i really wanna do

Things I learnt

1 Work is not your life, it’s okay to focus on other aspects of yourself

2 Having my own space is important

Goals for next year

1 Work: figure out the new team properly, keep doing what i do, learn to accept other people’s attitudes at work and let go

2 scroll on phone less and occupy my time with more meaningful things

3 acceptance of disappointment

4 diving !!!!

5 overcome inertia, do things that i want to do even if can’t find anyone to do with me

6 continue to recognize life is beautiful

[town-of-silent-poets]

People NEED Hobbies

[Author's Note: ENGL 1120/COMP II Final Project "Multimodal Argument" Draft.]

Okay, my title may sound fairly obvious, I know, but hear me out: I have proof! This proof is in the form of two peer-reviewed studies and a silly little book about weird hobbies.

In a study printed in The Journal of Experimental Education, Takayuki Goto of Osaka University studies the impact of utility-value intervention on student engagement. Students were assigned to write reflections about how the content learned in their classes is relevant and useful to their goals and daily lives outside of school. The study found that those who engaged in the utility-value intervention stayed engaged with their classes and coursework throughout the semester and turned in more assignments, while those without the intervention became less engaged and submitted less of their assignments.

Now, that is very cool and very smart. How many people go to school or a job and think: "What is this going to do for me besides a degree/money?" Besides the upkeep of daily basics needed to sustain life, what is the point of putting in so much effort? Losing sight of our goals and overall happiness can happen in these situations. Yet, knowing that external factors can give value to monotonous tasks and make them easier to complete feels enlightening. Heck, how many people started taking classes or going to a job because there was something they wanted? I, myself, do both, because there's something I want to do in life that college and a job will help me achieve. The work is hard and repetitive, but knowing that a goal, be it a future career or buying something for myself, can be obtained and maybe even bettered by my efforts makes it worth doing far more.

That's not all I found, either. I did say there were two studies.

In the Journal of Applied Research in Intellectual Disabilities, Holli M. Holmes and W. Ben Mortenson published a study on the quality of life for people with intellectual disabilities. In order to conduct this study, 19 people with intellectual disabilities were consulted. They came together in groups to discuss the things that had positive and negative impacts on their lives. The conclusion for the positives was that support, well-being, activities, and hobbies were the key factors to the improvement of quality of life.

[ https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/epdf/10.1111/jar.13280 ]

Once again, I find this study fascinating as well. Of all the things that can help improve people's lives, having something to do counts for half of the overall conclusion. If this study were to be expanded to more than 19 people, I believe that this ratio would hardly change, even if those without intellectual disabilities were to be included in the study or studied separately. How many people can honestly say that they are okay with doing nothing? This doesn't mean sitting and looking at social media or reading or watching a movie, because, in all of those instances, you are still doing an activity. This is more about when you are surrounded by activity happening and you cannot engage with it despite wanting to. To do nothing goes against being alive, and being held back from doing something, anything, makes being alive quite hard.

Well, that brings me to my very last point: a silly little book about weird hobbies.

Michael Canfeild brings together a list of diverse and seemingly strange hobbies in his book America’s Oddest Hobbies. From dog grooming to bug fighting and from mooing to eggshell carving, there is a wide range of examples of what hobbies can entail.

As much as some of these examples might seem odd and not up your alley, that doesn't mean there isn't something out there just for you. Something that might seem weird to others, too. There are a lot of non-traditional hobbies, as well as hobbies that don't seem like hobbies. Some hobbies can also consume more or less time and/or money as well. Maintaining a social media account or ranking streaks in video games count as hobbies. Collecting items found on the ground such as rocks or lost trinkets can work, too, as something you do passively as you walk down a road or hallway. Taking pieces of plants and gluing them together on a canvas into a natural collage reminisce of a 3D painting. Dressing in different colors for specific days of the week or always wearing something themed for obscure holidays. Honestly, the list could go all. Big or small, proffitable or not, hobbies like these can make living life better. Who knows, maybe if you are interested in profit and put yourself into doing well, others could see your work, take interest, and be open to the ide of buying what you do.

So, over all, my point stands strong. People need hobbies, and my proof sits in two studies and a silly little book. Improve your school and work life, improve your life over all, and go get yourself your own hobby. I know I have. Mine? I like to intentionally and perfectly tie a game of checkers without anyone losing any pieces. :D

[imsoglitter]

Hi kate! Idk if you’ll see this or answer but I wanted to send bc I’ve been following u for awhile and see u as sort of a big sibling/mentor that reminds me that it gets better and one day everything will be okay :’) do u have advice on how to move on? I’m femme and had my first ever kinda relationship w a butch and it was nice but they abandoned me on my bday celebration after blowing up on me saying that I was too high maintenance, materialistic, sparkly, and pink and my emotions were “too much to process” and “my presence was unhealthy” 6 months later they’re engaged to another femme who is more slow living and earthy. sucked a lot bc from day 1 they said I WASNT too much and that they would never leave. Idk I’m not sad I dont wish I was the soon wife but I’m convinced now that I’ll never find anyone bc all butches/mascs at the end of the day want that & I’ll be alone 4evr. I noticed all of my butch/femm couple friends are kinda same the same (earthy, natural, no glitz or glamour, etc). Feeling v high femme camp antics essay rn and having trouble coping. I tried changing my aesthetic and being minimalist but it put in deep depression so idk what to do. I’m unlikeable to all the ppl I’m attracted to but fitting in to be likable makes me want to kms. Any thoughts or ideas?? Hope this doesn’t come off as trauma dumping 😖

Hi anon! I don't know if I'm the right person to answer this bc I'm definitely a lazy femme who doesn't have the energy to be high femme, and the advice I'm going to give you is something you've probably heard a million times before.

If someone dislikes you enough to dump you on your birthday, you are better off without them. This goes for any other special occasion as well. The first time I got dumped, they very politely waited until I got back from a special trip I was on so it wouldn't be ruined, and I'm really glad for that. It made everything amicable and we're still penpals to this day. It sounds like your ex was bad at communicating the problems they were having in the relationship, given the blowup, and reacted pretty immaturely tbh. That's not the kind of person you want to spend your life with. (I'm also very wary of people who get married after less than a year of knowing each other, but that's a separate issue)

Honestly the best advice I can give you, and you're probably going to hate this, is take a break from looking for a sexual/romantic relationship. Focus on the other relationships in your life, whether they're with friends or family or even coworkers. And spend time with yourself. Definitely don't change everything about yourself to be with someone because you're going to have to live with yourself your whole life. The most important person to like you is going to be yourself. If you want to change think about expanding rather than dumping everything and picking something new.

And on the topic of finding someone who will love you the way you are, your best goal is to be patient, and to take action when you feel ready. Don't settle with someone who tolerates you or you'll end up like my parents (bad). And if you feel like there's potential, don't be afraid to make the first move. Pining is fun until it's not anymore so it's better to skip that part sometimes lol

Practical speaking here's my advice:

Delete your dating apps for a while

Get yourself a vibrator

Go to the movies by yourself

Pick up a new physical hobby like gardening or woodworking or cooking, something you can touch

If you hate your new hobby drop it and try something else

Try a new restaurant you've never been to before

Go for a walk/sit in a park weather permitting and birdwatch

And if you're seriously suicidal, take inventory of yourself and see if you can come up with a plan to avoid that headspace. Therapy and meds helped for me, but the main thing was moving out of a toxic environment. Plus I'm not stupid enough to pretend that therapy fixes everything all the time

I guess I'm saying you should date yourself, but trying to not make it sound super corny lol. I hope this helps and I hope you can figure out how to get out of your rut. I'm rooting for you!

[neocatharsis]

NCT’s Taeyong Talks About His Drive As A Trainee, Goals For NCT And Himself As An Artist, And More

NCT’s Taeyong has participated in a solo photoshoot with W Korea!

In the accompanying interview, Taeyong spoke about writing the lyrics for “Beautiful,” the title track on NCT’s last full album “Universe.” He explained, “2021 was a year that made me realize ‘There are so many beautiful things around me.’ I realized that life could become happy and beautiful through even the smallest things and that there are countless ways to create that. Because of that, I wanted to tell people who are diligently moving forward towards their dreams, ‘With that alone, you can be proud!'”

He elaborated on his lyric writing process by sharing what he does when he gets stuck. “I ask for advice from people around me or listen to songs about situations similar to mine. I have thoughts like, ‘I’m in this kind of situation, but why is that?’ ‘Why do I feel this way?’ ‘What kind of experience led to this song?’ and ‘It’s similar to me…’ After a few days, I think of new things to write [as lyrics]. Also, when I’m showering or cleaning my room is when I’m able to organize my lyrics best.”

Despite being an incredible performer now, when Taeyong was a trainee, the teachers often did not know how to move forward with him because he was so unfamiliar with dance. Taeyong discussed his dedication to achieve success, sharing, “When I was in middle school, I told my parents that I wanted to go to an arts high school. That’s why my mom helped me start various hobbies. Among those, my favorites were basketball, art, and piano, and I enjoyed rapping with my friends. But I didn’t think that my hobbies would turn into dreams. After I entered the agency, I approached [training] with this mindset. ‘This is the only road for me.’ I think I felt a bit of euphoria that there were people who would enjoy and be happy when I worked hard at something.”

Taeyong continued, “Through thoughts of ‘I better not let those people down because they believe in me,’ I was able to practice more diligently and for longer. When I lose confidence, I seek out my friends. Once I meet up with people who listen to my concerns and show their support, I don’t go out of my way to compare myself to others and I naturally think of things I want to do. Honestly, I’m tone deaf and have no sense of rhythm. I still think I’m that way. Since I know what I lack, I think I have no choice but to continue working hard.”

Throughout various units of NCT, Taeyong was asked when he felt he experienced the most growth. Taeyong answered, “I remember a lot from my debut song ‘The 7th Sense‘ in 2016 to ‘BOSS‘ in 2018. The more I performed, the most clear my movements became and I was able to watch my growth in expression. Every moment I was on stage was so important and precious and I didn’t want to let anyone down. At the time, I worked excessively hard. But I think I am the way I am today because of that.”

Taeyong also compared and contrasted his two hobbies of drawing and making music. He shared, “There are a lot of times when I draw using the music I made as a theme. It’s fun to express the colors, shapes, and animals that I think of when listening to that song. Or I write phrases and draw graffiti-like cartoon characters which makes time fly by.”

Taeyong added, “If you say that making music expresses myself in a more specific manner, I think drawing has the same meaning to me as having a pet fish or cleaning. Also, dancing in the practice room after I’m done work or on a day off is the same as resting to me so I don’t think of it at all as work. In a way, I think I’m a lucky person whose current work coincides with what they want to do.”

Last September, NCT 127’s third studio album “Sticker” debuted on the Billboard 200 at No. 3 and has gone on to become the longest-charting K-pop album of 2021, with the record now at 17 consecutive weeks and counting. Ever since debuting on the Billboard 200 in 2018, NCT 127 has slowly but surely climbed their way to the top of the chart.

Taeyong touched on his goals moving forward, saying, “I always think, ‘I want to protect this team for a long time.’ Although I’m a leader who is lacking in different ways, along with my members, I want to show more things that only [NCT] 127 can do and with the potential that [NCT] 127 has, I want to create even more memories with fans. We’ve already achieved a lot and made happy memories of cool performances, but I want to continue improving and become a long-running team.”

In terms of what kind of artist Taeyong wants to become, he shared, “I want the songs and lyrics I write to become strength to others. As a trainee, after I figured out ‘I’m someone who feels happiness while giving other people happiness,’ I wanted to support others through the work that I’m best at. I enjoy creating performances and I also like moving [the emotions] of others. After continuously doing this work, someday I’d like to become a concert director or choreographer and live while helping and giving direction to artists who are working while thinking similar thoughts as me.”

Looking back on 2021, Taeyong chose moments where he thought to himself, “You did well.” He explained, “I started Instagram and made a SoundCloud. I liked gaining a new method of communication with fans. It feels like gaining another space to express myself. Through that passage, it feels like I’ve danced, sung, and rapped so… I think I did well.”!

© Soompi

[moldy-mold]

fall arrived sooner than we thought

How I’m doing... I feel like things are good now. Figured out a new weekly routine that combines a balance of work and enjoyment. I’m not gaming as much these days so I find more comfort in watching shows with my friends (though we live in different parts of the world). I look forward to that time every week.

Freelance illustration for weddings have seriously picked up though. I am pretty tired of doing it, but it only gets busy in short bursts so I feel like I can endure it until the holidays. Like usual, I will be taking a 2 week vacation doing nothing at home in FL for xmas. Very excited! I am terribly homesick and I miss my parents...

Kinda got into pizza. Like, I’m trying a different frozen pizza from the store every week just to compare them to restaurant pizza.

We had visitors... Some of my roommate’s friends from college came to visit. I wasn’t very close to them and I haven’t seen some of them since I graduated... So that’s like, 10 years ago? I thought it was going to be awkward but it turns out we had a lot more in common than before lol! Listen, card games unite people. One of them used to play YGO competitively (much respect) so we had a lot to talk about haha. One of the others likes R.Evil and S.Hill so there was even more for me to scream about! I think once I find mutual interests, the tension in my body disappears and I’m able to communicate like a normal person. We had a great time giving them the tour of ATL. It was nice to see the gardens again after several years.

Watched a number of films... October is usually our choice month for cinema. The spooky theme this year was gothic horror! The completed watch list: The Woman in Black (w/ Daniel Radcliffe) ◆◆◇ Crimson Peak (Tom Hiddleston) ◆◆◆ The Others (Nicole Kidman) ◆◆◆ 1408 (John Cusack, Samuel L Jackson) ◆◇◇ The House (stop-motion) ◆◆◇

My feelings about social media... I think it’s been long enough that I have successfully detached myself from it. My health improved greatly since I started limiting my time on twt. After some thought, I decided upon a new strategy in managing my platforms. Ironically, when I decide to come back is when everything catches on fire and people leave in droves. Typical clown behavior of mine.

Other than that, I’ve becoming less strict with my online persona (whatever that was) and I’m trying to comment more on people’s artwork. Let’s support each other!

The Plant Saga...

I finally got an orchid! That was on my wishlist for a long time, so I rescued “MOMO” from the dying plant sale section. It was $40 but I got it for $7. It’s my goal next year to get her to bloom again. It’s not complicated, but getting the right humidity levels might be challenging.

Last year, my mom gave me a Thai chili sprout that she grew from the seed of one of her own peppers. Weather permitting, my baby chili plant can finally grow some peppers of its own! Ultimately, I will be turning this plant into a bonchi (bonsai-chili) once it gets a bit larger. Turning plants into bonsai is my newly discovered hobby of the year lol.

I have some wildflower seeds that I started in the summer. I don’t know what’s in it. Just threw it in a pot to see what would survive. Hopefully I can get some blooms before the frost comes!

30 year old life goals... I stumbled upon a Jp vlogger one day and it changed me. Her videos are SO BEAUTIFUL! A lot of the time she’s just cleaning or cooking but it made me want to do it too... Also, I love her furniture so much! T_T They say that if you consistently expose yourself to people who you admire, they will naturally rub off on you. So I’m trying to watch all her videos while I’m working so I can absorb her vibes (and her furniture). 😂

Thanks for reading! Until we meet again...!

[marshmallowprotection]

hellooo, i’ve never tried this before but i would like to have a matchup as well \o/ i really like your blog and this is my first ask (also english is not my first language— so sorry if i make anything wrong

i’m an intp-t and my hobbies mainly include reading and playing games, i’m bisexual and use she/him pronouns!! i also have hardcore depression anxiety and adhd lmao :,) i’m unintentionally sarcastic which might come as rude to some, that’s ironic considering that most people see me as very trustworthy since i have a tendency to try to help everyone around me as much as i can. besides my two roommates i also have a cat who i love very much :,)

when i was younger i used to be more sociable and honest but through the years and after certain events i developed hard trust and commitment issues(which makes kinda hard for me to maintain a relationship but i’m trying my best!!); now that i’m older i’ve turned into someone very closed up, nowadays i pretty much have only two real friends(even if im invited to uni parties often help). im a medicine student and my main goal is to become a forensic psychiatrist in the future, tbh i had a golden child syndrome and seek academic validation constantly(talk about being a high achiever) lol this kinda makes it hard for me to let go of “control” of stuff and lowkey a workaholic, being stubborn as well is not a great addition. i’m pretty self conscious towards my looks and personality but try my best to not let it show, that comes from my family/“friends” from high school making fun of me bc of my freckles and many scars.

i can play the piano, speak 3 languages and have a waaay younger brother who i used to be a mother figure for, even if we lost contact after some time due to my complicated status with family. i can be very competitive and sort of a sore loser hahaha, however i really admire people that are better than me at something and try to learn with them(so i can surpass them /hj). even if i have a hard time relaxing i can be very outgoing with the ones that i trust(my only two besties lmao) almost becoming a whole different person, i love to make them laugh and make sure that they are healthy :))

welp, i don’t know what else to say but again i really like your blog and thank you for sticking around w the fandom <3

I match you with...

Jumin!

You're somebody that's gone through a lot of things through life but you don't let it bring you down. You know that there are things that have to be done and you don't hesitate to do them. You know that it's going to be for the better if you do what has to be done, even if it feels like you're overwhelmed. You have struggled and fought to be where you are in life and you know that tomorrow is going to be better than yesterday because all the hard work you're putting in now. Even if it's hard to see it on the surface, you want to believe that there is something good common next.

That's why somebody like you goes perfectly with Jumin. You both share a lot of the same issues but you deal with it in different ways these different ways are confounding and confusing to the other but that does not mean that you are not able to make a lasting bond out of it. It's simply means that you get to see that there's another side to the way that you deal with your emotions and that if you allow yourself to trust in others, you can feel a lot better. The two of you together are able to work through so much and you're for the better for it. Not just for your relationship but for your personal strength. Since you're going to be butting heads, it means that you challenge each other in a way that opens up the door to grow.

[ginkgomoon]

Shaw's Birth Chart- An Astrological Study

Late second birthday gift to Shaw. I haven't done any heavy analyses/studies in a while but I felt happy that I also completed some good solid Shaw content! Please enjoy. *Cries because it's finally done and before June is over.*

What is Astrology?

Astrology is the study of stars- the placements and movements of different celestial bodies to correlate what’s happening on Earth. It comes from the early Latin word astrologia.

There’s a rule that we live by-

As above so below

This means whatever happens within our solar system will ultimately affect us here on Earth. For example, the moon governs our emotions, and since our body is approximately 70% water, why wouldn’t the moon affect us too? But it’s not just us, it's the moon’s gravitational pull on the oceans, in the same sense, it’s also the moodiness you may feel during full moons!

There’s many aspects to Astrology, and that would normally be too much for a single post so I’ll be elaborating on the major contributions to one’s birth chart. This will include the planets and the signs.

There’s the inner planets, consisting of the Sun, Moon, Mercury, Mars and Venus, moving quickly within the chart. Then there’s the outer planets, Jupiter, Saturn, Neptune, Uranus and Pluto, the slower moving planets. And of course, the different signs of the zodiac with different personalities. They follow the order beginning with Aries, then Taurus, Gemini, Cancer, Leo, Virgo, Libra, Scorpio, Sagittarius, Capricorn, Aquarius and finally Pisces.

Shaw's Placements

Sun ☉ The Sun represents our character, personal identity and ego. Your star sign is also known as your Sun sign. It is the “you”. The “Self”. It shows your creative force, confidence, focus and our will to live. It’s the driving force of our charts in many ways, like how it is centred in our solar system. It’s the part of us that is the “adult”, censoring the “inner child”, and overall provides information on our vitality, and what we came to do.

Shaw's Sun is in Gemini ♊︎ The air sign of Gemini is famous for their self-expression and communication. Geminis are witty, clever and flexible people. They can easily gain social contacts just as they can easily adapt in various situations and communicate through intellectual conversations. Geminis love to collect and share all sorts of information and are rather seen to be “geniuses”.

Although, they can be easily bored if they’re not getting enough mental stimulation. Geminis with their abilities to detach themselves make them excellent observers, but this can make them very difficult to be close to and be intimate with. People note them to be confusing and hard to understand, but this is because their mind is always active and switching from one topic to another (as they are represented by “the Twins”). Geminis enjoy seeing the “lighter” side of life, making them more fun and pleasing to be around. It’s guaranteed that there is never a dull moment when you’re with a Gemini!

Shaw holds a good representation as a Gemini. He always has a witty remark to say to MC, has a way with words, is shown by how he reacts to “fight or flight” situations, and stresses the usage of his favourite word, “bored”. Shaw, by having this placement of the Sun in Gemini also gives much strength to his Mercury (the planet of communication) which is also in Gemini (more on this later).

Shaw: “What do people usually do during dates?”

MC: “Uh, it’s usually eating, shopping and watching movies.”

Shaw: “That’s too boring, isn’t it? Since it’s a date with you, I’d like to get your feedback. What would you like to do?”

MC: “Nothing else.”

Shaw: “Then, what do you want to do?”

He thought for a couple of seconds and raised his eyebrows slowly, with a hint of glimmer of dark light in his eyes.

“You'll agree to anything that I do…?” -One Day Date

MC: “Why did you suddenly take an interest in reading?”

Shaw: “For the final exam.”

Despite his concentration, he flipped the pages with incredible speed- it seemed as if he didn't like what he read. -Summer Night Birthday Date

Shaw values all forms of communication and self-expression, whether it would be through music, writing, and teaching others about ancient relics. Additionally, it appears that he enjoys a range of hobbies, such as playing the bass, skateboarding and spray-painting, due to his interest in the wide variety of passions he developed. MC notices this on one of her earliest dates with him.

MC: “Hey, you seem to have a wide range of hobbies.” -One Day Date

Moon ☾ The Moon in our charts shows what your home is like, your upbringing, the relationship between your mother, the unconscious, your instincts and what you need. It tells us a lot about a person’s emotions, how they deal with it and how they express it to others.

Shaw's Moon is in Capricorn ♑︎ Productivity, work, and feeling useful and respected are the basic need for Lunar Caps. They like to keep their emotions in check, as they want to maintain being the cool-headed, practical and steady person of any group and in any project. Moon in Capricorn suggests that they have clear boundaries and realistic kinds of goals, looking for reassurance and security in what they do. They value and respect tradition and all things tangible and real. Moon Caps look forward to working towards their distant future goals, planning one step at a time. When feeling moody, their emotions will emphasise the pressure they had already put on themselves. Additionally, this is why letting their guard down to be comforted and to be reminded that they are not alone is very beneficial. Capricorns are unwilling to stand down, especially when it comes to emotionally “letting go”, hiding their sensitivity under a sarcastic manner. Wherever Capricorn is found in the chart, there is a desire for control, structure, and organisation. Emotions are well dealt with and handled in an efficient and practical manner.

There is a certain mysteriousness and sadness behind Shaw that can be subtly detected and yet to further explore deeply. This might have come from past trauma, possibly related to family relations. He has realistic expectations and justifications for his emotions, and when it comes to his goals, he will utilise these to help him slowly achieve them. Shaw is slowly letting his guard around MC, and gradually allowing him to love.

MC: “How can you draw so well?” I murmured quietly, envying his skills which require much talent.

Shaw: “Is it good? In a few months, it will fade into obscure and worthless trash."

He glanced at the wall with an undisguised contempt, as if it was not his own work that he was judging.

“It’s a failure.” He shook a spray can and started spraying it on the wall.

MC: “Wait! Why are you doing this?”

Shaw did not avert his eyes, and stood with his arms folded, refusing to give in.

Shaw: “But it's flawed now.” -One-Day Date

After a few seconds of silence, he frowned and put everything in his arms back on the table except for a can of coke. “Don’t act like you know me so well.” -Exciting Moments Date

Perhaps it was because I didn't believe that Shaw would appear so calm or so still, or because I wanted to explore why he looked so focused, I also looked at him in silence.

Shaw: “You really like to immerse yourself in your past.”

MC: “Find strength through the memories, then grow and become stronger.” I suddenly recalled a line from a TV series, and read it out.

A flicker of doubt flashed through his eyes, and eventually condensed into a dismissive look.

Shaw: “Who told you that we can only become stronger with memories?”

MC: “Why are you so dismissive?”

Speaking of which, what made Shaw so strong if it’s not finding strength from his “memory” or “past”?

Shaw: Why are you telling me this? Reminiscing every day means you’re getting old.”

-

Rain started to shower from the gloomy sky. I looked up, and found that the dark clouds were only above this small area of filming location. It was actually very sunny over at the antique market.

Fortunately, the rain was not heavy, and was even getting lighter as he predicted. He pulled at his hair, shaking off the scattering beads of rain. Such serenity did not match my impression of him, yet it was unexpectedly harmonious and natural.

MC: “Are you the rain god? Why does it always rain when I'm out with you?”

Shaw: “It’s because I can control the weather.”

At this point, the rain, which had stopped just a short while, suddenly fell again, but more densely. The smirk on his face was not gone yet. The rain seemed to be getting heavier. I felt more saddened as he spoke, yet Shaw just laughed. -Seeking Date

As a Capricorn Moon, his value and respect for tradition, and in all things tangible is very much obvious, and is highlighted with his display of knowledge about historic relics in Loveland’s museum shown in various dates, being the only student in the Department of Archeology of in Loveland University, as well in this scene from Season 2 that I couldn’t bear to leave out.

Mercury ☿ Mercury is the communication planet. When you write, speak, absorb information and how rational we are, you’re using your Mercury. It refines our Sun sign and helps define how we take in and give out information. It also talks about short distance travelling, governing your thirst for knowledge, your wit and negotiating skills. If someone is an excellent talker, it’s thanks to their Mercury placements.

Shaw's Mercury in Gemini ♊︎ Since Mercury is already ruled by Gemini, which makes it a favourable placement for quick-witted communication. Gemini Mercury placements may come across as being scattered and restless, but this is because of their different interests, seemingly knowing a little bit about everything. They easily gain knowledge where all sorts of facts and figures are up their alley, however generally have too many interests to deeply delve all into one. They can thrive in a stimulating environment as they are fast adapters who effortlessly learn and multitask at lightning speed.

This overlaps with Shaw’s Gemini Sun Placement. He may confuse MC sometimes with his personality and wit, but it’s nice to see MC adapt to it as well, because they have a lot to learn and grow from each other. He encourages MC to live life more boldly, while she teaches him to take things slower and be more aware of how his emotions and thoughts should work in harmony under special circumstances.

“He has no problem with the noise from rehearsals, and yet he can't stop criticising me for being noisy. He gets easily bored by things and yet he never gets tired on aimless strolls. Moreover, he always disagrees with me…” -Exciting Moment Date

MC: “Are you doing something illegal?”

Shaw: “What do you think?” Shaw looked at me playfully, and I could not help taking a step back vigilantly.

MC: “I'm a good law-abiding citizen and I won't be your accomplice!”

Shaw: “That's not up to you.”

-

MC: “Oh no! What should we do, what if we get caught!”

Shaw: “Nothing. Having a date at the police station should be a good experience.” -One-Day Date

Additionally, those reoccurring moments when he says that he had changed his mind also stems from the “twinning” aspect of Gemini in his thought process.

Shaw: “Give the cake and forks to me.”

MC: “Didn’t you say you didn’t want it?”

Shaw: “I changed my mind.” -Exciting Moments Date

Venus ♀︎ The planet Venus is ultimately the planet of love, beauty, wealth, our material things and what we do with all that sort of jazz. It’s the pleasures, our sentiments, what we do for leisure and what we value. Grace, charm, creativity, and entertainment are ruled by Venus. We can use this planet to see how we approach relationships of the heart, investigate our ability to attract and the attraction to others (or things).

Shaw's Venus is in Cancer ♋︎ These kinds of people are quite sensitive and insecure when it comes to love, with egos perhaps said to be a little bit undeveloped but have so much love, comfort, security, and care to offer. These aspects are emphasised for Cancers, who pay more attention to your feelings rather than said words. All they want is a safe, solid and secure relationship. They can be moody when it comes to love, though they are not afraid of emotional confrontations and to put their emotions on display when feeling it’s safe.

But once they are hurt, they will have a hard time forgiving. Pleasing them will involve a lot of sentimentality, as recognising their influences and attachments are from the family and home. When fearful of being rejected, they can resort to some frustrating tactics to find out how loved they are. Venus Cancers will want to be cared for, and in return their partner will be rewarded with a loving, dependable and patient lover.

Shaw puts up a front with his teasing and seemingly lack of interest to attend events with MC, though we can tell that he’s a very thoughtful and intuitive lover. Once he has allowed himself to internally address his feelings, he will use straightforward methods in how he communicates it to MC, again, strengthened by his Gemini placements. Additionally, Cancers will cling onto something or someone that is of value to them, because it evokes memories and emotions. In the same sense, if there is someone that Shaw has his eye on, he will inch closer to them, and will be unwilling to give them up once he has them.

I tried to reach out and pull him down while watching out for him, but he just took me by surprise and grabbed my hand instead. I quickly pressed down my skirt with the other hand. Probably realising something, his amber eyes widened slightly, then let go of me, with a low “tsk”. -Seeking Date

Shaw: “Why can’t you let that go?”

MC: Because I'm sick of you treating me like this. One time, you waited for me to get to the Live House to tell me that there was a change in venue, and there was also this one time when you- achoo!”

I pulled my jacket tighter around myself. Suddenly there was a rustle above my head and I found myself covered in a warm coat. Shaw stood up without a word as if he didn't hear me. Clad in a white shirt, he looked at once familiar and strange from behind.

Then I noticed his hand in the pocket. I was expecting him to conjure something for me like he did last time with the Dragonfly Eye. Before I could react, Shaw suddenly grabbed me by hand. With no gloves on, he tightly wrapped his slender fingers around my palm. I felt an unexpectedly soft and warm sensation.

MC: “Let go of me!”

Shaw: “No, I don’t want to.”

-

Shaw: “You've been asking questions about me all day. Do you really want to get to know me? Bring your ear closer. I can tell you all about myself.”

-Exciting Moments Date

His hand flew past my face and landed on the back of my head. With a slight jerk, he pulled me toward him. Our foreheads were then pressed together, and I felt the warmth of his forehead resting on mine, my breath on my skin, his unintentional touch, and his body pressed against mine. -Summer Night Birthday Date

“Do you like me? Yes or no?” -Unanswered Phone Call

Mars ♂︎ Mars is the go-getter planet. Full of fire and passion, nothing would be done without it. It can give insights on how we can chase our goals and what our desires and our plans of attack are. Aggressive behaviour, lust and anger fall under this planet.

Shaw's Mars is in Libra ♎︎ Mars Libras often reflect about the things they do before they act, needing to weigh out all the decisions first. They also can get easily caught up in defending themselves and others, as well as charming others to win others’ favour if needed. They wish to not be disturbed in their life or how they “operate”, going about with the desire to balance everything, with almost having a seemingly passive-aggressive approach to situations. Mars Libras know when to compromise and manage conflict, as well as predicting problems and discord well in advance. Libras will question themselves on how they can make the playing field more fair, intervening when necessary and when things aren’t. Shaw demonstrates this during his bus stop intervention when he first meets MC, on his dates with her, as well as his confrontation with Gavin.

“Don’t hesitate if you have already thought it through.”

-

MC: “What’s the matter?”

Shaw shrugged, lifted the corner of his lip, and looked at me, saying this firmly word by word.

Shaw: “Don’t forget that this is our punishment. Be a good loser.” -One-Day Date

“What are you laughing at? Stop it.” he reached out his hand, trying to mess up my hair. I quickly dodged backward and started laughing harder.

“Hey.”

A stunned look flashed Shaw’s eyes. Before he finished his sentence, I slipped and fell heavily backwards. He looked at me before a hint of schadenfreude appeared in his eyes. Then he said in a raised tone, “that's what you get for laughing too hard.”

He then sat down with me. I turned to him in confusion.

MC: “Why did you sit down when you’re supposed to help me up?”

Shaw: “Because I wanted to.” -Exciting Moments Date

Brutal gales whipped up gravel and rocked trees. A bolt of lightning split the sly, illuminating the two people locked in a standoff.

Gavin’s face was completely devoid of its former calm, and in its place was wrath. The man opposite Gavin squinted his eyes ever so slightly. He went wild with laughter, and an arrogant expression swept back over his face.

Shaw: “Well, we’re finally starting to get serious. It’s about time.”

Gavin: “I warned you! She’s off-limits.”

Shaw: “Are you threatening me?”

Gavin: “You aren’t worthy.”

The man lifted his eyebrow and slowed his speech purposefully.

Shaw: “Anyway, my objective has been reached. I don’t mind toying with you. But I don't know how long this girl you’re obsessed with has long to live...”

The two fought with increasing ferocity. The man was slowly losing ground. Then, the sky roared, and a white flame connected heaven and earth. The man was gone without a trace. -Chapter 11-24

Jupiter ♃ Jupiter is the largest planet, a gas giant, known to expand as the “benefactor” of our solar system. Everything it touches is basically blessed. It’s the good luck, confidence, joy, freedom and adventure that it gives to one’s being that it’s so well known for. Jupiter is where you seize your opportunities, take a leap of faith and count your blessings.

Shaw’s Jupiter is in Aquarius ♒︎ Shaw attracts the most good fortune when he’s tolerant and fair, cooperative and inventive, being different from society’s norms and standards. He values technology, people and personal freedom the most, desiring to display his unique skills and talents. He is open to new methods and eccentric ways to progress. We see this as he’s willing to share his knowledge with others, shown in the CN Creative Date and Summer Solstice Date, and when Shaw offers a hand to help MC by making her alias “Mary Sue” to help her successfully break into STF in later chapters. He also shows her the electricity firework he makes with his Evol, which fascinates MC enough for her to reach out and touch it.

I looked at Shaw's on the other side of the wall. The flaunting design was imposing, as if it was about to jump out at me the next second. Then I looked at my grinning rabbit, which seemed to be the clumsy work of a child.

-

In the gold and purple pattern, “SHAW” could be faintly recognised while a grinning rabbit stood at the top of the world. They actually seemed… quite in harmony? -One-Day Date

MC: “Is that the same MP4 player you had on the bus?”

Shaw: “Yes, someone gifted it to me a long time ago.” Emboldened by his straightforwardness, I couldn't help but move slower. -Exciting Moments Date

Floating on his palm was a sizzling firework giving off dazzling sparks. I was stunned by the sight. I couldn’t believe that Evol could do that. I reached out to touch it, but Shaw stopped me.

“Are you out of your mind? It’s charged with electricity.” -Summer Night Birthday Date

Saturn ♄ Saturn is the planet of karma, restrictions, life lessons, hard facts and the challenges in life. It governs structure, our fears, work and self-discipline. Saturn is cold and calculating, however once the challenges and lessons Saturn have been mastered, great wisdom with great rewards can be obtained.

Shaw's Saturn is in Aries ♈︎ Aries Saturns are highly resourceful coming up with fresh ideas for our goals. They don’t like showing weakness and need to be careful when limiting themselves due to fear of failure or making a poor decision. They’re very self- reliant because they rarely ask for help. They need to be shown that not “being first” is okay.

It’s proven that Shaw has a competitive side to him, seen in the CN Summer Solstice Date and his Rumours and Secrets, where Shaw refuses to give up and ends up doing dolphin flips on his skateboard in a match against a senior and wins after his first loss. In Accompanying Date, he acknowledges his embarrassing moments when he got caught skipping class, then reflects on them. We also see this as he flees his battle with Gavin when he almost loses.

Shaw: "I just remember winning. Don’t people at ten years old want to get swept away, win against everyone, and leave them far behind?" -CN Summer Solstice Date

Shaw: "The fence of the school was disagreed with by the elementary students. Back then, my skills weren’t refined yet. I got discovered by a teacher when I fell from it." While reminiscing, Shaw pouts unhappily. -CN Accompanying Date

The two fought with increasing ferocity. The man was slowly losing ground. Then, the sky roared, and a white flame connected heaven and earth. The man was gone without a trace. -Chapter 11-24

Uranus ♅ Wherever Uranus is in the chart, it’s where we want to break free, where we want to do things our own way, when you don’t care what everyone else is doing or thinking about. It’s where we express our ideals on freedom, innovation and experience great epiphanies. We strive for independence with the influence of the Uranus character. As a result, we learn to rebel, break traditions and authority. It shakes things up from our past and into the modern future. It is often associated with unpredictability, chaos and anarchy.

Shaw's Uranus is in Aquarius ♒︎ These people are interested in innovating, changing and updating traditions related to technology, community and individuality. They see freedom through or in these areas, and are ready to rebel if needed. Aquarius Uranus people are open to new ideas and free thought.

Shaw is no stranger to the concept of rebellion. He sneaks into places he shouldn’t be in, spray-paints graffiti, and helps MC access top-secret information in STF. His comments on history further outlines the unique outlook that he challenges with traditional views.

I looked around nervously, remembering that last time, we were chased by city police for street graffiti.

Shaw: “Don’t you want to come? Hurry up.”

MC: “Do you just do anything you like? Do you abide by no rules?” -One-Day Date

Shaw: “What do you think history is?” Student: Those historical relics you told us about just then!”

- Student: “If everything is history, how does one learn it?” Shaw: “There’s no need for an intention. It’s everywhere.” -CN Summer Solstice Date

Neptune ♆ Neptune is the inspirational planet of dreams, inspirations, soulmates, enlightenment and sacrifice. It’s all about connection with the universe and the world around you, however can have the polar effect of deception and illusion, along with disappearances of sorts. It can also govern your music tastes and influence on how you can inspire others.

Shaw’s Neptune is in Capricorn ♑︎ With this placement, his idealistic world will be based around realism, morality, and responsibility. He has to believe in the ground foundations of realisability of his dreams- enough so that it usually has a realistic thread about them. General optimism and faith will be lacking if he’s not doing something that he is passionate about and finds inspiration in. However, he has the capacity to change his practical dreams into reality the most. His influences and contributions come from his connection with Dark/MC, again with Mars in Libra, and is seen as a guide and spectator, though less passive than a Time Observer. It’s also clear that Shaw cares a lot for his music and his band. He even recognises a plagiarised song in one of his Rumours and Secrets.

“Playing with the band is just a hobby, so Shaw rarely creates something from scratch. He must have hidden things he wanted to say in his music, but never mentioned it to anyone.” -Summer Night birthday Date

Shaw: "No wonder these people didn’t realise it, they copied an unpopular song from the 80s. You should also improve your musical literacy so you wouldn’t be confused by these things." -CN Glacier Navigation Rumours and Secrets

My phone started buzzing in my outer coat pocket. I took it out and saw an unfamiliar number. A few moments of hesitation, I answered it. An unfamiliar voice came from the other end.

“Long time, no see. I’m sure you’re trying to guess who I am right now.” There was something in his voice that gave me a sense of déjà vu.

MC: “May I ask, what this is about?”

“I can’t just call you for no reason? Everyone has already forgotten you. You are officially someone who shouldn’t exist in this world.

MC: “Impossible! Just who are you, anyway?”

“Go see for yourself. For instance, at the place where it all started.” -Chapter 19-1

Outside the floor to ceiling window, a tall man with light purple hair was looking at me in the eye, an unmistakable smile on his lips. Who is this person? He waved at me and strove in the diner.

“Oh, here you are.” He greeted me with such familiarity, a few loose strands of hair fell over his forehead, softening his sharp eyes. His actions were swift and sure, giving me no time to interrupt. His face seemed so familiar but I can’t remember where I’ve seen it before.

MC: “Who are you?”

Hearing this, the young man’s brow raised, and the look of amusement flashed over his eyes.

“You don’t remember? You bumped my skateboard.”

MC: “Oh! We met on the bus. But how is it that you remember me?”

He didn’t answer me straight away. He just observed my expression with great interest, seemingly enjoying watching my reaction.

“I’m the one who called you. It’s me. The dream world has no effect on me.”

Pluto ♇ Pluto is the Lord of the Underworld, and is not to be messed around with. It’s responsible for great destructible transformations and corresponds to the life, death and rebirth cycle. It’s the detoxing planet, for you to awaken and be reborn. It shows us where we can change the world, alongside right where we can go into the abyss of the cunning and controlling energies of Pluto. Its powers can be ever so subtle, however it can have the forces to trash you with the realisations of what you need to let go in order to transform. Think of it as the “healing crisis” moments that you can thank Pluto for.

Shaw's Pluto is in Sagittarius ♐︎ They take beliefs and philosophy of life very seriously, more than most. They believe deeply in personal freedom and expression, questioning ideologies in place. They often watch for a tendency to move from one project to another, perhaps due to inhuman expectations. They are motivated and driven by the vision of a better world, therefore their faith in humanity is strong.

Shaw helps MC multiple times when she is in need, additionally supporting her beliefs and vision to save the world and everyone in it, like when she first entered the Winter World and helped her rescue the kidnapped children against her battle with Leto in the Chapter 34. He even gives her his necklace- the Dragonfly Eye in the end of Season 1 and wishes her well once they meet again.

Shaw: “Oh yeah, the other you is really funny. Today, she saved someone on the street. Did you use to do stuff like that too?”

Dark MC: “I’m not like her. I don’t do meaningless things like that. Stick to the plan.”

Shaw: “Oh? I’d thought you’d like this scene. What are you planning to do, anyway?”

Dark MC: “Why of course, I’m going to accept my place as QUEEN.” -Behind the Curtain Chapter 5

MC: “Shaw, what are you doing here? Where’s Leto?”

Another thunder flashes, Shaw’s face was reflected clearly and I saw him lift his eyebrow slightly.

Shaw: “You are so slow. Did you bring the notebook? Keep it and give it to me later.”

MC: “You haven’t answered why you are here.”

Shaw: “And I thought you were starting to get smarter. None of us can stay out of it now. If I don’t intervene, this world is finished.”

I would love to see more about Shaw’s background character and his upbringing as to why he had appeared a bit defensive in some dates. Poor Shaw :( Hopefully this study allowed you all to gain a deeper understanding of Shaw and his character, and to why he’s important in the main storyline and other events alike.