#now I'm thinking about my fucking ex and about my grandmother and about my sister and the overwhelming FEAR we all felt

[boyapologist]

what the fuck I was going through an old playlist of polygon shit I still had saved on youtube and after watching a bdg out of context video I just??? burst into tears????

[flantxo-no1]

funny how you're calling other women political lesbians over calling out misogynistic het males only to post "most males are less than worthless, they have no prospects, don’t make any plans, don’t take care of finances, are absolute slobs, whine about everything, are addicted to porn, and can’t a woman orgasm, of course women will treat you like a wallet, your money is the only thing you can actually provide". and mind you I wholeheartedly agree with what you're saying lol but by your own logic you're likely a polilez. this theory that any woman who's an intense feminist must be a fakebian bi really undermines how all women are damaged by male misogyny since birth even us gs lesbians. my father berated me since I was 6 because I wasn't skinny (wasn't even chubby, just normal) because the only value he saw in anyone female was adhering to misogynistic beauty standards. this crippled my self-confidence and damaged me mentally in a way that I will never escape until the rest of my life but sure, I shouldn't be that concerned with feminism because I'll never personally want to fuck men.. not only should we all have class consciousness to empathize with all women, no normal lesbian can see how horribly their grandmothers, mothers, sisters and friends are treated by the males they're in relationships with and not feel sorry for them. that being said of course at one point you think, ffs you're actively choosing to be a mistreated bangmaid for worthless men despite nothing forcing you to in this day and age, grow some self-respect. as a young woman working in the construction industry dominated by middle-aged straight men you can only imagine how much misogyny I've experienced at work. it's not like I'm not going to care about the constant belittling and verbal sexual harassment because I'm a lesbian. in fact I'm even more disgusted by it because males making passes at me is always abnormal and revolting regardless of context. at some point I realized though that it's best to just ignore straight men as much as possible because misandry which is entirely justified will have little to no effect on their behaviour and using your energy on hating someone, no matter how rightfully, will just slowly poison you. another reason why a lot of lesbians turn to radical feminism and misandry in not because we're secretly into them and feel wronged by them but because we are envious of their privilege. envious that no matter how unworthy, misogynistic and ugly they are, they can nearly always find a woman who loves and desires them because around 98% of women are attracted to males against their best interests. and I'm of course not blaming the for that since sexuality isn't a choice but then most bis will still run after them and lead lesbians on using us as place holders for men and free therapists. how could you Not resent heterosexual males and feel that the world is entirely unfair when we struggle to find evan one woman who truly loves women romantically and sexually. and this is on top of the daily discrimination we suffer from men whether we willingly interact with them or not, despite our own lack of attraction. not even going to go into transhet lesbian-fetishizing males preying on us and invading our community and the bihet fakebians allowing them to. again, no way to evade the het male hate because atp many of them are pretending to Be one of us and what could be more terrifying and insulating. of course 'men ain't shit and never made me come and I'd never date a man again despite only having dated them before you' is a classic overcompensating bihet mantra. learned that the hard way from my ex who is het married now lol. but the topic is far more nuanced than jumping to the conclusion that sb very into feminism must be a polilez. maybe only if they're very heteronormative and constantly whining about het relationship dynamics, which makes you think yeah wbk but why act like you're personally impacted unless you want to date a male.

I’m a voluntary celibate bisexual erotophobe and I will not pretend to be a lesbian for le feminism

[raspberryconverse]

I think the hardest thing about Mother's Day for me is not that my mom is dead.

I was scrolling through Facebook today, seeing all my friends' posts about how great their moms are/were. All the good things they did for them. What amazing grandmothers they are. And for me, my mom was not that at all (I mean, obviously she wasn't an amazing grandmother because my sister and I never had children).

I decided I needed to stop scrolling. I really didn't want to come across my sister's post because she had a completely different mom than I did. She was the golden child because she is so much like my mom. And I see it in most of her posts. The "look at the things I got," "look at how cute my she shed balcony is," "look at how great a bonus mom I am to my boyfriend's son." And my mom was endlessly proud of her, despite the fact that I achieved "more" in the traditional sense (though it took me longer, but that's what happened to a lot of us who graduated college in 2008), with my career and degrees. I've been at my job for 8½ years now and I'm really proud of that. She'd love hearing how much people appreciate my work there and I'm sure she'd brag that her daughter does all the emails for her company.

I often wonder what she would think of me now. I can't not. I know she would have ruined my wedding for me. She would have judged all my choices and tried to take over. She would have hated my weird thrift store shit (though some of the artwork she might have liked). She'd probably make me feel bad for my failed marriage (though of course my sister's divorce was perfectly fine because her ex-husband was a slacker). She'd point out all the reasons I could have possibly fucked it up (and believe me, I've thought that myself).

I'd like to think there'd be things she'd be proud of me for. I know she'd be impressed with the cedar closet. She'd probably be proud of me for buying this house by myself and getting my student loans paid off in the process (I found a down payment assistance program that paid them off). She'd love seeing me scraping all the paint off the trim and working to restore it to its original 1920s beauty. She'd definitely be proud of me for my power tool use and I credit her for showing me it's something I can do, despite being a small woman.

One thing I noticed with my ex was how much they made me feel like my mom always did. I'm terrible at cleaning (don't go in my kitchen right now 😂). They always made me feel like a bad dog parent and I felt so validated when Dr. B told me that Lola was looking amazing for her age and to keep doing what I'm doing. Getting the house ready to sell triggered so much of my childhood where I'd get yelled at for not having things clean and taking too long to do them. I'd yell right back at them, having been modeled that bad behavior. We also had different approaches to managing money and I was never given a good example of how to do that growing up. They always balked at my lack of savings, but in my house, saving just wasn't a thing. If you had money left over after paying bills, you treated yourself. I have a very specific memory of being at a friend's house in middle school and her mom saying, "Ooh, I'm down to only $300 until I get paid again," and I actually said something about that seeming like a lot of extra money to have.

At any rate, I'm sad today. Not because I miss my mom, but because I don't. I'm sad because I'm so jealous of everyone who had a great mom growing up. I'm having mixed feelings about her being gone today because while I'd like to think she'd be proud of me for what I've accomplished, I know there'd be plenty of things she'd criticize me for. And that's what's so hard.

[sweetanxiousangel]

Themes

Have you ever noticed that every day has a theme? Or maybe every week?

Maybe it's just me over thinking... or maybe astrology has something to do with it... But I have noticed that there are patterns of events, thoughts, and observations that lead up to a daily or weekly theme. Sometimes it clicks randomly and I'm like "oh shit... Today's theme is___." It's kinda fun. I feel like themes add more meaning to my life.

Today's theme (11/15/2023) is "What is 'good enough'?"

I graduated university in May, finally got my license, then quickly after got into a car accident that forced me to go a few months without a vehicle. I stayed home to fulfill my end of a deal between my great-grandmother, which was: I get to live for free as long as I take care of her. In other words, I'm at Walmart every other day. I am very grateful for the deal, but it's hard being alone without much support. I had to raise myself, a bunch of kids, and my mom. I have a mother who is physically present but genuinely absent. She has always forced me to handle things completely alone. I managed to get a degree and my license with some help from my long time boyfriend but it was still a lonely journey. Well, anyways....

Now to the theme.

My mom has the tendency...uh... to not be honest to get her way? She has always loved to attack my insecurities in ways that she feels are subtle. The biggest, most recent example of this was telling me about a conversation between her and my great-grandmother. She insists that my great-grandmama said that "She is sick and tired of waiting for us to get our shit together." I don't understand. My mom has refused to work for years so she can recieve more child support from her ex and more benefits from the government. She doesn't contribute financially or even emotionally. She forces me to figure it out for my great-grandma, sisters, and myself. Yet I'm being told that I'm not doing enough. I'm not working because I was without a car and I live far from everything. My mom was always weird about me using her car... and defintely didn't want to help me get to interviews or appointments. Why am I being seen and treated like a loser because I'm not making money? Why are family members who do not talk to me call me names despite me dedicating my time and effort to ensuring that their mother/grandmother/aunt is healthy and safe?

It's funny. Honestly. I feel guilty for not doing more. Especially those months I literally could not do more. I had to rely on my boyfriend who has recently gone back to school. I felt guilty asking for help because my family really isn't his problem.

My theory regarding that conversation between my mom and great-grandmama is that there is some truth. My great-grandma wants to see me work before she feels comfortable giving me my inheritance (the home we live in). I feel that my mom is adding pressure on me to "handle" the situation, so she feels safe living here. As in... as long as I'm the owner, she will always have a home.

For a woman who is aware that she has failed me constantly... she sure has a lot of nerve to feel this entitled.

I've tried my best my whole life. I was only ever met with "Good. That's what the fuck you should be doin'." :| It's like I was trained to go above and beyond and never stop. I'm so drained.

I'm 23. I'm a woman now. Why can't I recognize my worth and give myself some credit?

What is good enough? Why am I so unhappy despite doing so much with so little?

So... What's my next step? I got a little excited thinking about my blog that it has already motivated me to take headshots to update my LinkdIn and resume. I can't wait to start my career. I just want to be secure finally. Secure in all aspects of my life.

[servin-up-surveys]

survey #170

Give us a lyric from a song you’ve recently listend to: I'm listening to "Slum Planet" by 3TEETH right now and the lyric just said was "no one wins in this human race."

Why did you cry the last time you did? I learned about diabetic comas and started fearing that one day it'll happen to Mom while she's asleep with how violently her blood sugar plummets. My anxiety was so fucking bad that night, I had so much trouble falling asleep.

Have you donated blood in the last 2 years? No, but I actually plan on doing it with Girt this Sunday, it completely depends on what my blood pressure is at the time of the appointment; it's almost always alarmingly low EVERY time I get it checked, like it's just normal for me (partially because of a med), so there is a very real chance of me being turned down. But I'm still going with him regardless though, he loves when he gets the chance to do it (drives are coincidentally almost always on work days for him lol) and I fucking love that.

What is your relationship with the last person to comment you? Like, on a social media? Facebook is telling me Ashley, my boyfriend's sister.

Who was the last person to sit on your bed? Me, I still do certain physical therapy exercises lying and sitting on it.

Do you have a favorite flower? Orchids, pink tulips (I don't really care about non-pink ones that much), dahlias, hydrangeas, roses, etc. I just adore flowers.

Would you rather be stuck on a desert island with your ex or a python? HA give me the fucking python, at least the snake won't make me feel like literal trash. Besides, a python is not going to be able to eat me and with that fact it'd have no interest in bothering me, and I'd leave it alone too. Don't villainize snakes.

Name three objects within your reach? My water bottle, planner, and Girt's work schedule for like an entire year lmao. He gave it to me for the convenience of planning hanging out days and I think he also knows I just like knowing where he is, especially if my anxiety is high and I can't immediately reach him.

Would you get a shamrock tattooed to your forehead for $5,000? Gah, that money is FUCKING TEMPTING, but I just couldn't.

Where was the last place you went that was more than an hour away? Why were you going there? A city two hours away that is where Girt's grandmother is at a nursing home. We were celebrating her birthday; that day wasn't her actual birthday, but it's a day that worked for the family to get together. It meant a lot to be there, because odds are it was her last.

Who was the last person to tell you you looked nice? Girt, I think?

Do you know a schizophrenic person? Girt's mother, and I know of my schizophrenic half-sister.

Name the last 3 people you kissed and list one nice thing about each one. Girt is very polite, Sara was very creative, and Tyler, uh... he was sweet?

Are you friends with a Conner? No, I don't even know one.

What is the last thing you spoke to your father about? He sent me a picture of his cat Louie chilling with a deer in he and his wife's backyard. I'm against letting your cat free-roam outdoors, but regardless it was very cute and I said so. He was just sitting chilling while the deer grazed.

Ever suffered from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder? I literally have it, yeah.

During which year of your life were you the most unhappy? I genuinely don't think any hell a god could make could be worse than what 2016 was for me. Every waking moment I wanted to be dead, and when I slept my dreams were always the same: extremely painful and focused on Jason and how we'd never be what we were again.

Have you ever seen a bluejay in person? Yes, I love them. I used to collect bluejay feathers while I dated Jason actually, because his nickname from his dad was always "J Bird," and I called him that sometimes too.

Who is the most energetic and happy person you know of? My nephew Ryder.

Who makes you smile the most often? Girt.

Do you remember the first person you felt sexually attracted to? In a completely serious context, Jason.

Of all of your friends’ significant others, who do you get along with best? And least? I don't really know my friends' s/os, at least not on a personal level.

Have you ever had a platonic friend that everyone insisted you should be in a relationship with? YUP, GIRT. Finally happened lmao, bomb-ass decision.

Who do you think is the most attractive actor? Probably Jason Momoa lmao, or Johnny Depp.

Have you ever been caught doing something REAL embarrassing by your parents? LOL SURE HAVE AND I WANTED TO PASS AWAY

Do you have any of your neighbors as friends on Facebook? No.

You can only listen to 1 band for the rest of your life, who do you pick? so like...... Rammstein, surprise lmfao

When was the last time you felt like your heart was actually breaking? Many months ago when I was pretty convinced Girt was going to leave and I was going to relive the Jason breakup, just with him. I was fucking hysterical, this guy had to hold me as I probably broke his eardrums scream-crying for like, 15 full minutes. The feeling I had in my chest was more awful than I could ever put into words.

Who was the last person you cried in front of? Probably Mom?

Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with? Girt.

Have you ever said anything to the last person you kissed that you regret? Yes, in a couple instances where I was mad.

Do you know anyone who has fought in a war? Jason's dad was in the Navy, but idk if he was ever in a combat situation. I know Girt's dad fought in Operation Desert Storm.

Name ONE good memory about your last ex? I very much felt like I could be 200% myself around her.

Do you live near any large rivers or lakes? Yeah, the Tar River is really long, and I live in an area where you regularly cross smaller bridges over it.

Would it annoy you if a stranger called you "sweetie?" This very much depends. I'd say generally no, I tend to like terms of endearment, but if it's some creepy guy that seems very suspect, I'd be uncomfortable.

What's the worst thing you've gone through in the past year? Letting go of and healing from an extremely rotten friendship. Deciding enough was enough with Sara was so fucking not an easy decision, it was fucking excruciating and involved so much hurt, and I regularly questioned if I was a horrible person.

What's the next friend or family birthday coming up? Will you buy them a present? Literally tomorrow is my sister Ashley's 30th, and no, but only because I don't have a source of income. I can't get anything for family and it fucking sucks.

How many beds are in your home? Two in the traditional sense, however we do have a couch that can fold out into a bed. Not a very comfortable one, but it's a bed.

Do you wear face masks in public? I no longer do, not because I don't believe in the effectiveness of masks (because they fucking are effective), but because I think like most people, I've just given up on the concept of us ever getting Covid under control; it's going to be in the human population for probably as long as we live now. A new type of flu, basically. I would wear a mask though if I was sick with Covid-esque symptoms, that's just basic consideration for other humans.

Have you ever gotten back together with an ex? Only Girt; the first time we dated briefly at the end of 2017 I just wasn't ready to be with a man again. I had walls that weren't coming down.

What month of the year was your mother born? August.

Who do you feel most beautiful around? My mom.

Have you ever had a friend that got a bf/gf, and then completely ignored you? Yes, what a coincidence, I was thinking of her last night. We were online friends with a long, very tight friendship, but one day her accounts that I knew of were just gone, and this was very near the time she started dating some guy.

Who is the smartest person you know? Girt.

If your friend asked you to hold their drugs, would you? Hell no.

The last two people you kissed, are they virgins? Girt's not, Sara was when I knew her, no clue about now.

How did you and your significant other celebrate your last anniversary? We just hung out at my house.

Do you know anyone who owns their own business? Yes, more than one person.

What was the last thing that changed your life completely? Going to physical therapy. I am so fucking happy with all the progress that is still happening, standing is by now generally only uncomfortable versus actually painful. I'm standing more in real-life situations that prove to me how much better my legs have gotten.

What do you normally drink when eating at a fast food restaurant? Usually either Mountain Dew or Coke.

What was the last thing you saw that made you smile? A really cute picture of two of my nieces; Aubree was being an adorable big sister.

Who was the last person you took a photograph with? My niece and sisters.

Did you like the show Invader Zim? Surprisingly I never really watched it, I just thought Gir was cute.

What’s the scariest book you’ve ever read? I've never been scared by a book.

What does your best friend love that you hate? Extremely hard games that generally require hours and hours of failing regularly to get good at it, nameably FromSoft games; I'm quite sure Girt's platinumed/100%ed all of them lmao, meanwhile I couldn't even get to the FIRST BOSS of Bloodborne myself haha, I suck at those games SOOOOOOOOOOO bad. My head nearly exploded when I tried Dark Souls, like I quit pretty damn fast because once a game reaches a certain level of difficulty for me, shit's not fun anymore. Meanwhile Girt's hardheaded as HELL and really gets satisfaction out of figuring out challenges, so FromSoft makes some stuff he really enjoys. What sucks is I LOVE watching the games be played, like Elden Ring is one of the greatest video games ever made in all of history imo, I just don't have the patience for those of its sort as a player. Video games are Girt's "thing" though that he's just super fucking good at.

How well do you know the people you live with? I know my mom very well, and we've been closer than ever lately. I feel our already-strong bond has strengthened quite a bit just from sitting out in the living room with her during dinner more often. She confides in me with a lot of things and has told me how much she appreciates me just listening.

When was the last time you had a conversation with an ex? A few weeks ago with Juan, if you even wanna count him as an ex when we dated for less than a day.

Ever cried while you were on the phone with the last person you kissed? No, we basically never call each other. He's mentioned wanting to but knows I hate phone calls and I'm like you're obviously an exception dude but yeah we don't really talk-talk via the phone.

Have you ever bought a YouTuber’s merch? I have two Cloak shirts, a brand owned by Markiplier and jacksepticeye, and one features the Randler and cockatrice used as symbols for Good Mythical Morning/Rhett & Link.

Do either of your parents have tattoos? No, but my mom wants one based around her kids and grandkids.

For your birthday do people buy you a cake or bake you one? Usually buy.

If your boy/girlfriend wanted to have a sex change, would you support them? Sure would, I'm pansexual anyway so it wouldn't remove my sexual feelings for that person. Like sure it'd obviously be a massive change, requiring adjustments like getting pronouns right, but he/she would have my full support if they felt a sex change would improve their happiness.

What do you think of cannibals? It's gross. I think eating your own species, at least for such developed animals like humans who have consciences that allow us to put meaning into BEING a human, is morally questionable.

[puppy-coded]

You're Worth More{R.B. & E.M.}

✰ 𝐖𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬: feeling less than/unwanted, breakup and heartbreak, robin led you on </3

✰ 𝐏𝐚𝐢𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬: platonic!Eddie x reader, ex!Robin x reader(briefly)

✰ 𝐖𝐨𝐫𝐝 𝐂𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐭: 1k words

✰ 𝐒𝐮𝐦𝐦𝐚𝐫𝐲: Robin breaks up with you and Eddie is there for you. Always.

✰ 𝐀/𝐍: Yeah so turns out that getting broken up with over text isn't fucking fun. Based on recent events <3

"Hey! I am so incredibly sorry to spring this up on you now but I can't do this. I'm overwhelmed by the thought of a relationship. I've never been in one before and I don't think I can be friends with this looming over me. We can still be friends though! I really enjoy talking to you. If you need space though, I totally get it. Just get back when you can darling."

Your watch beeped with the message from Robin and you, stupidly in hindsight, read it after you rang up a customer. Your eyes stung at the message and you looked to your boss/grandmother with a large fake smile.

"I need to use the bathroom, I'll be back."

"I'll hold down the fort sister!"

"Thanks grams."

You locked yourself in a stall and tried not to cry, reading and rereading the same message. You didn't understand.

Robin told you she was into you.

She thought you were pretty.

She's called you sexy before.

And now it's ending via text message?

You took a screenshot to send to Eddie before telling him what happened.

You were in a bad internet spot and he was very confused by your "love is dead" message. It send before the screenshot did.

"Anyway love is dead."

"WHAT??? WHAT HAPPENED?"

Attachment: 1 image

"Love my life rn"

"oh babe, i'm sorry"

You went back to work and you were pretty busy when Nancy, also known as the best coworker ever, finally walked into the coffee shop.

Class had just gotten out and the line of students there was crazy.

After the line died down and it was just you and Nancy you almost started crying. You only had about five minutes to talk about it if Nancy would let you.

You really didn't want to cry though.

You started fanning your face and Nancy stared at you questioningly. "You hot?"

"Hot? No. Trying not to cry," You chuckled.

"Oh? What happened?" She asked, looking genuinely concerned.

Oh fuck.

The water works.

Stay in. Stay in please...

You put your hands in your sweatpants' pockets and leaned against the counter. "Um... girl problems. I'm trying not to cry because I don't want to explain anything to grams. I'm not out yet..." You briefly explained, sniffling a bit.

"It's just- she knows my schedule too," You vented to your friend. "She texted me an hour into my three hour shift and I have to hide the fact I had an almost-girlfriend from my grandma. I'm lucky she has allergies and can hardly function." You ranted, crossing your arms.

Nancy shook her head and did the same. "That's not fair."

"Yeah well... life not fair," You reminded her.

Nancy poked her lip out and held her arms out. "Hug?"

You nodded with a quivering lip and burning eyes. "Yes please."

You quickly pulled away and immediately started wiping your face. You had cleaned yourself off just in time and plastered yet another fake smile across your face.

Nancy took care of you during your shift. She kept getting customers and telling you to "study" which meant "do what you have to do but make it look important".

"bubbles ily. i think you need to hear this rn. i can't imagine my life without you."

"thanks teddy. ilyt."

"call after work?"

"always"

Your shift was up and you almost ran to your car, ready to call Eddie.

He picked up within a few rings and you stayed on for a few moments silently crying.

"Sweetheart, I'm sorry." Eddie finally said, breaking the silence.

You started sobbing at that. "It's just- She said-"

"I know hon, I'm sorry."

"Teddy, what if that was it? My- my- my one chance?" You asked hysterically.

"Not how that works babydoll. I've been in plenty of relationships, all of them ending terribly," He assured you.

You took a few breaths and tried calming yourself down.

"Focus on things that make you happy bubbles," Eddie advised.

You swallowed, choking on your own spit and sob, with a loud and disgusting snort because of snot. "I- I get paid Friday," You said.

You could hear Eddie clapping on the other. "Good! That's good! Buy yourself a little treat. A little somethin' somethin' Friday." He encouraged. "Robin did a shitty thing."

You shrugged even though you knew Eddie couldn't see it. "It's whatever I guess. Everything is fine."

"It's not fine love."

"If I pretend it is then I can stop feeling," You argued.

"I know it sounds good but you need to let it out."

You nodded. "I'll call you later. I need to think."

"Bye, love you."

"Love you too Teddy."

. . .

You woke up feeling like absolute shit. You grabbed your phone and almost clicked Robin's contact out of habit to tell her good morning.

Instead you clicked Eddie's.

"i miss her"

"don't"

"why?"

"she's not good for you"

"this whole thing is a minor detail! she's perfect"

All of a sudden your ringtone echoed around in your small bedroom with Eddie's contact picture covering your screen.

"(Y/N). What the hell?" Eddie asked, still sounding tired.

You were in a blanket burrito and sniffed again at the memory of the events of the night before. "She's perfect."

Eddie huffed and you could hear his bed squeak on the other end. "Literally she's not. Nobody is. Babe what happened was not okay. In my eyes, nothing could redeem her."

"I know." You replied sadly. "She was just the first person ever to think I'm cute and to return my feelings for them."

" I know. And I know that it feels great," He said. "I get it. I do. But this is exactly what happened with Chrissy and I."

"Chrissy's a bitch," You reminded him. "We talked you down for weeks."

You could imagine Eddie pinching his nose before hearing him sigh. "That's what I'm trying to tell you. You deserve better. Not that shit."

"Eddie?"

"Hm?"

You choked a bit on spit and started crying. "What if- what if she says that she wants me back?"

"Then you run," He chuckled. "It's because you're worth more than a text."

"Promise?" You asked quietly.

"Promise." He whispered back.

✰ 𝐓𝐚𝐠𝐥𝐢𝐬𝐭: @sw34terw34ther @thine-local-simpeth-again @tigergirllolipop @mad-elia @chaossmoonlights

[cosmictulips]

Brother Bear... I let you down (PAC)

Based on Brother Bear, this is where you can find forgiveness. what you need to forgive in order to move on. what is still lingering inside of you. perhaps even WHOM you need to forgive.

huge huge

Huge!

trigger warning for some of these. mostly about childhood trauma.

so pick a ... poorly edited picture , and lets get started

1, 2, 3

Pile 1!

09 of cups, 10 of cups, the Tower, Death, 08 of Cups, Ace of Cups.

now, I'm getting two different vibes from this. I purposely kept it this way for a reason. (if you have noticed from my other pacs i usually list the majors first). and I want to talk about why.

If you've chosen this pile, very strongly one of two things could have happened. so here's your trigger warning now. beep boop.

Some of you were emotionally abused, neglected, or this is about a relationship of some kind that went south really quick and you need to learn how to put yourself first.

this is a very brutal reading. I'm not going to lie. the stories I'm getting here starts off with feeling good. surrounded by people you think are good for you. they put on a mask, and for awhile things are looking up.

But you know better than this. Pile 1, you have a very strong intuition. and I don't know why, but for some of you have to keep learning the lesson of trusting yourself first before someone else. and I get that cause I keep doing that to.

For you to move on, and to heal, you have to forgive yourself. you may say to yourself that you knew better but you still trusted that person, or like, this person, totally like blind sided you. it doesn't matter, you need to forgive yourself. because a lot of you seem to be blaming yourself for this situation and that's not fair to you.

A lot of you though, I think are in this stage of forgiving and healing. we have the ace of cups here, and everything about this reading is showing me a person who is looking away from me.

You ARE moving on. you are healing. do not doubt yourself. As you move ahead, I'm feeling that some of you may look back. look back and reflect, but don't do it out of pain. you taught yourself some very important lessons here. and it's okay to mourn for what you thought you had.

but I promise you something better is coming for you. new relationships with other people, and with yourself. I'm seeing that for a lot of you, this is going to come in the form of some kind of work. Art maybe. games? music? just something that sparks your interest.

For others of you, it's a person who is... almost your opposite lol. I think this person is meant to be more of a friend for you guys but they light you up. they bring that life back in and help you create strong boundaries.

I think... pile 1, your lessons in life have to do with affirming your boundaries. and because I know a lot of you are screaming at me "tulips how the FUCK do we figure out boundaries?"

Let me tell you what I've been learning ::

if something is making you angry, chances are they are stepping your boundary. find that source of your anger, and then ask why you're angry about it. make that a new boundary.

If you can't pinpoint, write down, talk it out, whatever, but start with "okay what do I know?" and then go from there.

this journey feels very personal. and I'm telling you, you'll be happy again. you'll be stronger. more confident. keep going. and please, forgive yourself.

Pile 2

10 of Cups, Page of Cups, Queen of Pentacles, Queen of Cups, 09 of Swords, 03 of Cups

uh, I'm not sure if this is a parental figure, an ex, or a friend. there's definitely people involved int his. I want to say this is someone who acts like a mother. could be literally a mother, but there's strong familial ties coming out. sister, aunt, grandmother. hell even a neighbor who may have helped raise you, a teacher, etc. the point is, it's a female with authority.

I do NOT get males from this pile, but when I was gathering the energy of this, there was a young male that popped out. I don't think his intentions were malicious. I think it's someone who is trying to protect you. so if that's you, then, just know someone is watching over you.

Anyway, someone really, and I mean really hurt you. and it's still lingering to this day. I feel like for a lot of you, this stems from childhood because I'm seeing like literally, a wound that has never healed. it's slow, and every time the tides of time try to heal it, you just keep reopening it. I don't know if it's a defense thing for you, like using it as a victim complex, I don't know if you're just unaware of what keeps triggering it, but it's time to let it go.

This could also be the case of having this person still around you. and that's kind of a tough call because you can't really heal something you're still going through. there are like.. things you could do to try to protect yourself as you go through it, but until you're out you kind of just live in survival mode.

Regardless, what I'm seeing is that in order for you to move on, you must reconnect with that mother energy within you. get into things that are (by societies standards lmao) feminine. cooking, having female, or just soft friends, motherly friends. be open to giving and taking without expecting much in return. wear whatever colors you think are girly, do your hair, makeup.

Just... learn to mother yourself. you know what I'm saying? give yourself comfort when you need to. let others this reading is really highlighting letting other people do things for you. letting other people in to help you. you may have built strong walls to prevent people from coming in. but there are people who want to help you.

I keep hearing sisterhood lmao.

it's really time to heal this anxiety that you may have over dating, over loving yourself, etc. underneath this pain there is a huge heart of gold, a flame that I know you are still carrying. and I really think the best step forward is to just embrace that more feminine side of you and more importantly, let other people in again.

Pile 3!

Strength, the World, 05 of Wands, Ace of Swords, 07 of Cups, 06 of Swords, 07 of Wands, 05 of Cups

Wow this picture is small lmao

Soooo, this is kind of my grab-bag pile. for some of you, it's definitely a more masculine figure. I don't even want to say like... males in general because I'm picking up on a very... uh... bitchy female to put it simply. but like I think a majority of you need to forgive the idea of what you thought your life was going to be like.

I'm seeing that a lot of you have a lot of passion for things. maybe you're the type that just knew what you wanted from a young age. but life really, and I mean really has a way of knocking you down a peg. between perhaps fighting for the job you want, fighting for your voice to be heard, or hell, fighting to get one goddamn plan to go correctly. like, something just keeps going wrong.

and you keep seeing all of these options, or what you think are options, and yet somehow nothing is right. something always has to go wrong. someone always has to fight you on everything.

and it's tiring. people have let you down too many times. you feel like you let yourself down too many times. and I think this is where the other person I'm picking up on comes in. someone just won't let you live it down.

My thing is, I think some of you are chasing a passion regardless of how many times you keep hitting a wall. and that's great. in this case, you need to learn to forgive the other person because they are just reflecting to you what they probably experienced. and they're just scared something is going to happen to you.

but for the rest of you, I see this restless desire. I love this aobut you because you don't just give up. but damn, it's like "when is it my turn?" and I feel that on a level.

Forgive the fact that some people just don't understand your plans. that life is just cruel and will try to do everything it can to make sure you stay in the box it has for you. forgive yourself because you're allowing this kind of shit to get to you (I know it's hard to not take things personally but bruh, I'm telling you got fire in your viens, just keep going. you're going to make it). and most importantly, just forgive.

I think you guys are really dedicated to things and it's hard to let things go. but that's what you need to forgive. you need to forgive things that don't work out. you do your best and there's no need to keep fighting over it. let things, let people, ideas, etc. die. let them die so new and better ones can come in.

[absurdthirst]

I'm feeling a mix of anger and sadness. I've seen people went/rant here, so I guess I just wanted that too. You're always so kind to people and always know just what to say 💜

I was accused of cheating yesterday. Not by my boyfriend, but by his colleague. It's because I have blue eyes (one blue/green, the other blue/grey), my boyfriend has blue and our daughter has hazel eyes.

My Ex cheated on me, so I know how much that hurts, so I could never do that to another person. So it really hurts that someone would think I did, based on eye color.

My boyfriends sister has dark brown eyes, despite all the other siblings having blue eyes as well as their parents (and she is a spitting image of their father, so no denying they're related). So luckily my boyfriend knows it can happen and I explained how recessive genes work. But I can still see the wheels in his head turning, like he actually thinks if its a possibility I cheated.

And it gets worse by the fact that our daughter looks totally like me, so there's barely any of my boyfriend in her. And our son looks completely like his dad (only thing he got from me is my ears. Sorry kiddo), so no one questions his origin.

Fuck I'm so mad at his colleague and I don't know how to defend myself... And honestly don't know what to do... 😓

His colleague is an asshole. Complete and total buttmunch. I'm so sorry that he's putting completely unnecessary conflict on your relationship and potentially on the relationship between your boyfriend and his daughter.

Now, I have a different take on things than some might. You know that your daughter is your boyfriend's, and there is a really easy way to put his mind at ease. Do a DNA test. Or at least offer one.

Some people get really upset at that. And I get why, because it implies that your partner doesn't trust you and that is never a good feeling.

I am of the opinion that offering him the option would do a lot to ease any lingering suspicions he might have and if he does decide to do it, it's something to shove in his asshole colleague's face.

You've got nothing to hide. Again, this is my own ideas coming into play. I'm that 'fuck it, I'll prove it' type of personality. My grandmother, for years, claimed I wasn't my father's because I was conceived out of wedlock. 🙄🙄🙄🙄 Even though I have my father's green eyes. I honestly wished my parents had done it to shut her the fuck up about it. Although my father knew that I was his.

My ex tried to pull the same shit with me (although this was just his own narcissism) and when I told him to do DNA test he shut up about it.

Whatever you decide to do, I am thinking about you hun. You have EVERY right to be angry at your husband's colleague. And you have a right to be disappointed in you boyfriend for entertaining the idea, although that might not be a reality. It might be your own worry making you think that he's questioning it if he hasn't voiced anything out loud.

If it were me, I would bring it up. Tell him that I wanted to do one of those DNA tests and put the entire matter to rest.

[itsadamcole]

you’re not broken - pt. 2

fem!reader x kyle o’reilly

a year has passed since Kyle proposed to reader. Christmas Day 2021 is here, which is the date that reader and Kyle decided on for their wedding. reader invites her family, and her mother is not very happy ...

word count: 2k+

warnings: mentions of death, mentions of a plane crash, very angsty, a touch of smut, implied sex, defensive!kyle, upset!reader

— this is for whoever wanted a part 2. i hope you enjoy —

masterlist || request an imagine here

part 1

~ some 18+ content below - read at your own risk ~

You smile and look at yourself in the mirror of your bridal suite. It's been a year to the day since Kyle proposed to you. It's Christmas Day 2021 and you stand in your dress. A smile is painted across your lips as your maid of honor, Tegan Nox, fixing the veil that is attached to a little tiara.

The dress itself is mermaid style. The skirt begins to flare out at your knees, and there's a layer of sparkly fabric. There are no sleeves and a sparkly silver belt sits around your waist. The skirt and veil leave a small train behind you.

There's a knock on your suite door and you call, "Come in! Unless your name is Kyle O'Reilly."

The door opens and your now fourteen year old sister pops her head in. "Mom just got here," she says. "And she looks ridiculous."

Your eyebrows come together as the door slams open. Your mother stands in a white cocktail dress. Your eyes widen and you say, "Are you literally kidding me right now? You're really wearing a white dress to your own daughter's wedding?"

"Y/N, I tried to get her to change but she wouldn't listen to me," your sister immediately says.

Your eyes don't leave your mother. You say, "I can't believe you, Mom. I really can't. I held my title for almost 700 days, I was a double champion for 200 days. I don't know what else I can do to prove to you that I'm not my sister."

Tegan looks at you and your mother before your mother says, "You're nothing like your sister, honey. You're still alive while she's dead."

Your younger sister says, "Mom! It's her wedding day! Are you serious right now?"

"Y/OS/S will never get a wedding day," your mother states. "She'll never have kids. She'll never have the family that Y/N plans on having with Kyle."

Tears well up in your eyes and you say, "That's not my fucking fault. It's the pilot's fault. He's the reason the plane took a nosedive into the Atlantic with her on it."

Your mother walks up to you and says, "It should've been you!"

You flinch away from your mom as the door opens. You see your grandmom walk in. Your dad's mom. Your mom's mother-in-law.

"You better not have said what I think you said to my granddaughter," your grandmom says.

The angry look in your mother's eyes turns into annoyance or fear. You can't tell but the tears that formed are now falling down your face.

Your grandmother says, "You wore white to your own daughter's wedding. You're seriously that low.

Y/S/N runs over and hugs you. You hug her back as your mother says, "Why shouldn't I have? It's not like she doesn't deserve it." She shoots a glare in your direction.

Maybe she's right.

You look at your sister and ask, "Where's Kyle's room? I need to talk to him."

Your sister says, "He's in room 103."

As you go to leave, your mother says, "Oh, running away as per usual."

"I'm going to tell my fiancé that I'm not getting married if my own mother tries to ruin it," you say. "It's one thing if one of my exes or one of Kyle's try to ruin it because I can handle that. I can't handle my own mother showing up in a white dress to my own wedding."

You leave the room and walk down to Kyle's.

After standing outside the room for a second, you knock. "One second!" you hear from the inside.

You wait patiently as the door opens, revealing not Kyle but Adam Cole. He looks confused and says, "You're not supposed to be here, Y/N."

"I need to, um, talk to Kyle," you say, voice shaky.

Adam looks at you confused before he says, "I'll go get him." Adam walks off. Kyle appears in front of you seconds later.

Your fiance looks at you and asks, "Baby, what's wrong? Why are you crying?"

Kyle engulfs you in a hug and you say, "My mom showed up in a white dress, Kyle. A freaking white dress. Then she started saying how my sister will never get a wedding or have a family like us, and she said that it should've been me. She's ruined the day, Kyle. I can't do this today."

"Can't do what?" he asks, looking down at you. You look up at him with tears in your eyes.

You cry, "I can't get married today. I can't do it."

He gets a look in his eyes and he says, "I'm going to talk to your mother. Where is she?"

As Kyle whips your tears away, you say, "My room. 109."

Kyle walks down the hallway and you follow him. He bursts into the room and says, "How fucking dare you show up to our wedding in a white dress. How fucking dare you say to Y/N that it should've been her that died in that crash. This is Y/N's day. It's her day, and you're here to, what, tell her that she should have died? I'm sorry that Y/OS/N died, I wish I could have met her, but I know that she sure as hell wouldn't want you ruining her younger's sister's wedding day. Either get out of that dress, support Y/N, and get your act together or get the fuck out and go home."

Kyle being supportive and defensive makes you change your mind back instantly to wanting to marry Kyle today. If he's willing to put up with this side of your family then you're one hundred percent ready to marry him today, no matter what.

"Who do you think you are speaking to me like that?" your mother retorts. "I am-"

You watch as Kyle cuts her off. "I don't give two shits who you are," he says, making you cover a small smile that has begun to form on your lips. "You could be the president and I wouldn't fucking care. Stop talking to Y/N like she did something wrong because she didn't. It's not her fault that Y/OS/N died. She's worked harder than I've ever seen her work since you told her she was nothing like Y/OS/N. 678 days as NXT Women's Champion and 200 days as WWE Women's Tag Team Champion. That's a hell of an accomplishment that I'll never achieve but you should be proud of her instead of fucking bashing her! Grow the hell up or get out!"

Your mother looks at Kyle and looks at you behind him. Your grandmother looks almost proud and your younger sister is smiling.

Kyle has officially put your mother in her place and she's officially speechless. She also doesn't look happy.

There's tension in the air as you wait for someone to make a move.

Your mother grabs her things and walks toward the door. She stops and says, "Enjoy your life, Y/N. I never want to see or talk to you again."

Then she leaves and you're heartbroken. Your own mother won't watch as you say I do to Kyle.

Honestly, you're not that upset about it, just heartbroken that it had to come to this.

You look up at Kyle and he looks at you. "Y/N, I'm so-"

Before he can say another word, you put your hands on his cheeks and kiss him. Hard. It's a hard kiss.

Your grandmother says, "Alright, let's go Y/S/N. We shouldn't be here for this."

"But I wanna see what happens," she says, leaving the room with your grandmom.

There's a laugh as your grandmother says, "No you don't."

The door closes and Kyle pulls back from the kiss, looking down at you. "What was that for?" he asks.

You say, "No one's ever put her in her place like that, and honestly, it was hot."

Kyle laughs and says, "You would find it hot, wouldn't you?"

"I've never seen you get so defensive," you say. "It was so hot, especially with the cursing."

Your fiancé's cheeks turn a light red and he smiles. "Remind me to ask Regal to let me curse in the ring when cutting promos," Kyle says.

You lean up and kiss Kyle again. "Please do," you say.

Kyle kisses you back and cups your cheeks. You smile into the kiss, wrapping your hands around Kyle's wrists.

The two of you stand in the room like that for a few minutes, and you feel a small ache between your legs. Kyle's cursing affected you more than you thought.

You pull back from the kiss and look up at Kyle.

"I don't think I can wait for tonight," you admit.

Kyle glances at the time then sheds his suit jacket. He undoes his tie before he says, "We got time. About thirty minutes."

You reach behind you and unzip your dress as you say, "I think we'll only need fifteen."

As soon as you're both naked, you're laid out on the bed with Kyle on top of you.

Let's just say that it was the best pre-wedding sex of all time.

***

Kyle gets dressed and goes back to his room with the Undisputed Era boys as soon as you're both done in bed.

You slip your dress back on as Tegan, your younger sister, and your best friend come into the room.

"Oh, Y/N," Tegan says, hiding a laugh. "Your chest is a mess."

You look down to see that Kyle definitely left his mark on you. Your cheeks heat up and your best friend says, "Must've been good. I can promise you that tonight will be even better."

"He's already planning for tonight," you giggle. "He told me that he was holding back until tonight, and it was still some of the best we've had."

Your sister has her ears covered and you laugh at the sight.

The girls help get you fixed up and ready to walk down the aisle.

Twenty minutes later, it's time. You walk down the aisle with your father, who told your mother to leave without him because he wasn't missing your wedding.

The ceremony is taking place outside right next to an ocean. It's a beautiful day outside in Florida. A warm 60 something degrees with a slight breeze. It's a warm Christmas Day. It usually is.

Kyle stands at the end of the aisle under a white arch covered in white flowers.

Your father hands you off to Kyle, who's smiling at you. "That dress looked better on the floor," he says quietly. A smirk follows the comment.

"Behave yourself, Mr. O'Reilly," you giggle.

Kyle says, "I'll try my best, Mrs. O'Reilly."

You smile at your new last name, even if it's not official yet.

You meet Kyle's eyes and as soon as they do, you don't break eye contact with him. Not when you were saying your vows and not while you were crying as Kyle said his.

It takes an eternity for the official to say, "By the power invested in me by the state of Florida, I pronounce you man and wife. Kyle, you may kiss your bride."

"I've already done that once today," Kyle says. "Or a few dozen times." The crowd laughs. "But I'll do it again."

And he does. He seals the marriage with a kiss.

The crowd claps and you pull back from the kiss. You don't pull that far away as you say, "I love you, Kyle."

Kyle smiles and says, "And I love you, Y/N."

Then the two of you share a second kiss as husband and wife.

[living-after-death-blog1]

The Day My Daughter Died.. (An introduction to the end and the beginning)

I received a phone call from my daughter's best friend, Alli, at about 2:30pm on that day. She told me that she had just left work and was on her way to my daughter's house, after receiving a frantic phone call from my daughter's roommate, Kenneth, who said that he had come home and found her unconscious, with a needle in her hand. He had called an ambulance, he had attempted CPR, and was now waiting outside of the house while the emergency personnel did their thing inside.

I think it was already pretty well established that my daughter was gone, and I think that this was probably communicated to me, but my brain literally wouldn't grasp it. I wasn't devastated; I was terrified. I spent the entire conversation (which was probably at least 20 minutes long) thinking that we didn't know anything yet, feeling like I was frozen, like everything around me was happening in slow motion, and that I was just holding my breath until the moment when Alli could finally get to the house and someone could tell us what was going on. I thought we were waiting to hear that she'd been trànsported or something. It honestly hadn't occurred to me until just now that simply knowing that Kenneth had attempted CPR should have been enough information to answer to the only question that was looping through my mind, over and over, until Alli arrived. "Is she breathing?"

I was 4 hours away, in another city.

Once Alli arrived, there were people everywhere; policemen, emergency responders, tons of neighborhood spectators, and Kenneth, the roommate. I was still on the phone, waiting, while he and Alli had a brief conversation, which I couldn't really hear and I finally interrupted to ask what I thought we'd been waiting to find out this whole time.. "But.. is she still breathing?"

At that point, I heard Alli take a deep breath and, very slowly, and with such pain, she said the words that made it real.

"No, Stephanie. She's gone."

I remember taking a deep breath and saying, "Okay."

It almost felt like, "Well.. Here we are. This is actually happening. You know, that thing that happens to other people, but not your child, not you? It's happening. Right now."

Another deep breath, and once again, " Okay.. "

I remember thinking that I needed to hold it together somehow, because I was going to have to handle and figure out a lot of things, and I really, really needed to be able to think. I just had to think. Figure this all out somehow, as if it were a problem that could be solved.

I did what I've always done when I need to call upon an extreme coping skill. I stopped feeling, and I started thinking. Intellectualizing, my therapist, Becca, the one from my daughter's first treatment center, used to call it.

I called upon that skill in that moment. Think. Think about what other people are going through, feeling, experiencing. Think about how everyone else feels, so you don't have to look at what this really is. Don't even get close to it.

That is the moment that I apologized to Alli for having to be the one to make such a horrible phone call, telling someone's mother that they are dead, and thanked her for being that person, at the same time. I thanked her for being a good friend. I told her I loved her. Said I'd be available for the police or whoever needs to speak to next of kin, and told her to give them my number.

I called my boyfriend first, in a panic; I had to get home, I had to get to Houston, and I had to get there NOW. I couldn't drive, and all I could think was how I needed to get there, I had to get there, and I needed to get there NOW. No answer.

I called my ex-husband (not the father of my daughter, but of two sons, ages 15 and 18, at the time) and, not realizing that the boys were in the car with him or that he had answered on speaker, I started screaming that my daughter was dead, she was dead, and I didn't know what to do. Of course, after finding out that the boys had overhead, I called both of them to apologize that they had had to hear me like that, to hear the news that way.

I don't remember very much of the next few weeks. The things I do remember are choppy, like random scenes from a movie, but I remember those things vividly.

I realized that I had to tell people. Who? Who is the first person you call to announce your daughter's death?

I called my mom first, I think, and I listened to her sob and repeat, "Noooo..." over and over.

I called my daughter's other grandmother, on her father's side, and I listened as she cried and kept saying, "Oh my god.."

I called my daughter's ex-boyfriend, Javi, the father of my granddaughter, who was 8 at the time, and he couldn't believe it, couldn't accept it, either; jumped in his car to go over there. I guess he needed to see it with his own eyes.

I spoke to another of my daughter's best friends, Jessica (she happened to text me, so I thought she already knew, and when I realized that she didn't, I told her to call me. She asked me, "How bad is it?" I said, "Bad."), and then she, too, immediately drove over to the house to meet up with Alli, Kenneth, and Javi.

I couldn't listen to any more breaking hearts at the moment, so as fucked up as it seems now, I just started texting people.

I texted my friend, Sarah, who, along with her entire family, have been like family to us. I don't even know how I said it. I think I said, "I'm so sorry to tell you like this, but they found her this morning, unconscious, with a needle, and she didn't make it. " Sarah immediately called me, and started screaming, " What? What? " as if she couldn't hear me. Her mind, too, couldn't seem to allow this to be real.

I spoke to my friends, Theresa and Joie, sisters, and they immediately offered all kinds of practical help that hadn't even occurred to me, such as setting up a GoFundMe account to pay for funeral expenses. I had been laid off from my job of over ten years several months prior, and so all of the life insurance policies and everything I'd been so used to just having were no longer available, and I had nothing.

Joie also posted on Facebook on my behalf. It was the only way I could think of to let everyone know, especially my daughter's friends, and it was because of all of these people, and so many more, that I have managed to get through this last year.

I don't know what I did to deserve such wonderful people in my life, but I am surrounded by them. The GoFundMe account reached over $5000 within a couple of days.

My daughter's best friend from middle school is a hair and makeup artist, and she flew in from Colorado to make sure that she was the one who did the makeup for the viewing. That was always their thing, and even though my daughter's addiction had driven them apart over the years, Vikki had to do this one last thing for her friend, and I was happy to have her do it.

Sarah's ex-boyfriend, who knew my daughter as a child, took care of all of the flowers and arrangements.

Sarah's mom has a friend who was able to make a dress for my daughter to wear during the viewing; an Alice in Wonderland dress, because that was always her thing.

Sarah and her mom had already found the cheapest most decent funeral home that they knew of (her mom had used the place for her own mother's service), so I literally spent the next few days just having to answer yes and no questions.

It turned out that since my daughter never divorced the father of her second child (my grandson, Isaac, who was almost 7 at the time), even though they'd been separated and out of contact for a few years (she was engaged to someone else for at least a year), he was her next of kin, not me, and this brought forth a whole host of issues. He doesn't raise their son, his mother does, because he is either 1) insane, 2) brain damaged from drug use, 3) currently using drugs, or 4) a combination of all of the above. These things made the entire process very difficult for me.

They tried to dictate who could be invited to the funeral, which I wasn't on board with. They threatened me by saying that they would have her body transferred to the funeral home of their choosing and they would let me know when and where to show up. They said I could not have any locks of her hair. They said they would not split up her ashes. They even dictated to me that she be cremated, because they somehow knew (having only known her for a few years, and not knowing her at all, really, for the few years prior to her death) that she wanted to be cremated and that she wanted her ashes spread over the ocean.

I won't ever be able to understand why someone would treat the mother of a dead child the way that they treated me, but I've just added them to the list of people I'll have to figure out how to forgive somehow, eventually.

Everyone showed up for us, and I was so grateful for the presence of every single one of them. People I hadn't seen or spoken to in years, such as my ex-husband's ex-boss's ex-wife, lol.

I placed a son for adoption when I was 19, and though I had met him in person once, he and my other kids had not met. He and my daughter had been talking a lot on social media, and he had planned to come visit and meet everyone in May, after he graduated college, but ended up coming in April for her funeral, instead. He never even got to hear her voice.

There is so much I want to use this blog for. I want to document my own journey through this grief. I want to talk about addiction and help destigmatize the way people view addicts. I want to offer resources and maybe even hope. And I want to remember my daughter.

Her name was Jade. She was 26 years old when she died. She was one of the funniest, coolest, most creative, beautiful people you could have ever known. Yes, the addiction was a part of her journey, her struggle, but she was more than that. And I intend to honor ALL of who she was, by speaking the truth.

The truth is that she died from the toxic effects of an accidental overdose of heroin and methamphetamine. But that's just one part of her story, and mine, and I need to tell them both, even if no one ever reads a single word I type. I need to tell these stories.

Since I started with her death, here is a photo recap of what there is to know so far:

#grief #overdose #addiction #loss #bereavement #grieving

[cathcacen]

An Accurate Summary Of How And Why My Relationship With A So-Called Jonsa Man Ended

Ex boyfriend, 12th March 2021: Grandma passed away. It hurts so much ;——;

Ex boyfriend, 13th March 2021: You know, most girlfriends would like, go see their boyfriend if he lost a loved one. Mine won't even call. Says a lot about the state of your feelings for me I think.

Ex boyfriend, 13th March 2021: Yeah. Most girlfriends would go to their boyfriend, or reach out and be as close as possible

Ex boyfriend, 13th March 2021: Look, I just lost a very important person in my life and wanted to feel close to you. I understand that isn't really possible right now, and it sucks; I feel like I am losing another important person. I don't want to try and make you feel coerced into a call out of pity or sympathy, or make you feel trapped and stifled yet alone and miserable.

Ex boyfriend, 13th March 2021: Lol you're somehow the worst possible person to talk to right now. My grandmother just died and I'm trying to look to you for comfort and all you seem to care about is vindication.

Ex boyfriend, 13th March 2021: I've smoked so much weed last night and this morning. But I can't make the hurt stop. All I feel right now is pain and loneliness.

Ex boyfriend, 13th March 2021: You’re a liar. And broke your promise to me. And never wanted to make it right. You wanted to just say sorry and expect it to make everything better. Then wait for my grandma to literally die to break up with me over text. Because you’re so emotionally fucking mature. And when my grandma died where were you when I needed you? WHERE? Sitting at your computer trash-talking me? Did you ever imagine you would end up the type of heartless girlfriend to intentionally make her boyfriend suffer for selfish vindication?

Ex boyfriend's sister, 27th April 2021:

Why yes, thank you. I'll take my selfish vindication with a side of fuck you. :)