#now I'm thinking about my fucking ex and about my grandmother and about my sister and the overwhelming FEAR we all felt

[boyapologist]

what the fuck I was going through an old playlist of polygon shit I still had saved on youtube and after watching a bdg out of context video I just??? burst into tears????

[simonisferal]

not you again. "scaramouche x male reader"

YOU were the smart kid in high school till he came along and ruined it. Now that he got you shipped away to your grandmother's, you're out for revenge. To beat him is your greatest wish but would that change now when he's your seatmate, partner. and roommate? Oh for fuc—

warnings: physical violence/fighting, the occasional underage drinking, heavily sexual themes and intercourse + some kinky shit (honestly, who knows), scaramouche is scaramouche 🤦‍♂️, exes to academic rivals to lovers, vulgar language, angsty(mentions of SH, suicidal thought, OD/ED), slow updates, homophobia (sort of), i know nothing about law so don't come at me, slow burn, and i think that's it!

written pieces will marked with 📖

pheonix wrights — miles edgeworths

ᴥ season one — glow up, dick up

episode one — who the hell are you and why is your bitchass tryna fight me?

episode two — a man can't punch another man without it seeming homosexual nowadays, can he? 📖

episode three — if im sent away, im taking my dignity with me / fuck you

episode four — yes grandma, i'll rub your bare feet. just don't call grandpa over to tell his war stories again... 📖

episode five — i wonder how much he's suffering right now

episode six — in my slut era!! (i stay home with grams and gramps watching family fued)

episode seven — you'd think being the new kid is shit but it's actually worse since i'm hot

episode eight — who is juicytoot124 and why are they liking my tweets??

episode nine — fuck the school, fuck the students, and fuck the chairs too / who is he talking to

episode ten — this is NOT the USA miley cyrus was partying in 📖

episode eleven — holy shit, he has a sister? or is that his girlfriend..? 📖

episode twelve — kaeya, pass me the bottle; i’m getting wasted tonight

episode thirteen — holy shit. am i hallucinating or do i see a bobble-headed bitch coming my way? 📖

episode fourteen — it might be the paranoia coming in but i hear cops 📖

episode fifteen — how's my day? oh i was hiding in a fucking closet with my ex boyfriend from the police because of someone decided to steal alcohol. i wonder who.

episode sixteen — so i can't be a whore but my enemy can fuck around with his ex? not cool.

episode seventeen — wait, summer's over? i was just getting ready to rot in bed!

episode eighteen — basically what i'm hearing is that i'm a god and everyone loves me! /sarcastic

episode nineteen — yeah, so, what i just said previously was a fucking lie. 📖

episode twenty — ah shit, here we go again. 📖

ᴥ season two — and they were roommates?

episode twenty one — my clear conscience can't take this anymore; time to escape prison!

episode twenty two — everything i say was a joke unless you're into it, then it's not 📖

episode twenty three — first day of hell

episode twenty four — am i interfering someone's love triangle??

status: ongoing

started: 04/13/24

taglist: @m-march7th , @wawanluvr , @shutingstar , @pookiemax , @chemiru , @scaradooche , @swivy123 , @yangbbokari , @academiq , @thystarsshine , @zoropookie , @notrsz , @justyoureader , @mercy-not-merci , @kiekole , @kazumiku , @featuredtofu , @yourfavoritefreakyhan , @b2tr09 , @ell1e2010 , @pwaap , @vxcmx , @vamxpi , @moonslie04, @allaboutiknowthatyoubeingdead , @somnium-kiss , @crxwned-mxnarch , @khisuko , @jad3-n , @emptydinner-plate , @popcorn-milk , @liuaneee , @neversore, @alicerosejane

(@simonisferal 2024)

[swifty-fox]

okay so I’m not going to go into any details here but I just finished “what comes after” and oh. my. god. you captured the feelings of the person on the other end perfectly.

for me it wasn’t anyone as close as a husband, and I wasn’t there to see it, but they texted me one evening and I swear I just knew. and I knew they were in a pretty bad place, but I don’t think anyone had realized just how bad, and I have so many mixed feelings about all of it? And you somehow managed to write that and make it so tragic and so beautiful and. I don’t even know what I’m trying to say here. I guess I just wanted to say thank you? Thank you for treating the subject so delicately and so fairly and thank you for adding the part about Curt and how he’s there to help and I know it’s “just” fanfiction, but I need you to know how much of an impact it had on me.

so. yeah. thank you. and I’m sorry to spring this on you just like this (if it makes you uncomfortable I’m so sorry! please don’t feel like you have to respond!), I swear I’m not saying any of this to make you feel bad for me or anything. my friend is in a much better place and everything is okay. call this the incoherent ramblings of a person who should’ve gone to bed hours ago now. thank you. thank you thank you thank you thank you <3

theres three experiences in my life I pulled from for this fic

my little brother has been to a psych ward three times in my life, two in the last two years. The second time (March 2023) he called me the day before in great spirits and laughing about a childhood memory. Next day I receive a call that He's going to the hospital, drugs were involved but nobody knew anything more because he's an adult. We heard no news, couldn't contact him for Three Days. We had no idea what happened or how bad things were.

In the aftermath my baby sister and I had to drive into the city to pick his car up and bring it to my parents. She's a freshman in college and was too young to really remember my brothers first time in (I was twenty and she was twelve) and so I had to be the older sibling and tell her to rely on me. To brace herself that this probably would not be the end of the storyline with his mental health issues and she had to make peace with it and to protect herself how she could while still being there for him. I had to put my shit aside for my her and my mom and my dad. Had to be Gale.

At the same time I was fresh off a devastating breakup. I reached out that night to the ex because I thought we were still friends and got brushed off. While driving to get that damn car all i wanted was what my brain thought was my ride or die support system to be there helping me through this. All i wanted was a Curt and I didn't have one. So i gave Gale what i needed via Curt. Someone to pick up the pieces.

My grandmother passed away due to complications from colon cancer in 2020. She came down with an infection that ate away her intestines to nothing in the span of a weekend. I sat on the phone with her six states away as she lay dying on her bathroom floor. My Grandma who was my best friend my namesake wordlessly crying in my ear from pain. And I just remember thinking nobody fucking gave me the instruction manual for this. I went to bed once the ambulance came, thinking she would be okay. And by the time I woke up she was gone. And I've worked my feelings of that out through a previous fic but I definitely reached back into that experience to remember that headspace

I've been on both ends. I almost ended my life several times last year and I'm really fuckin glad I didn't cause I am having so much fun with you guys

[somethin-needs-to-go-here]

I've been crying. My hands are shaking and there's a rushing in my ears. I don't know why

I never do

Today I found a new webtoon, Little Matcha Girl

And in this story, it had reached a part where the grandmother finally showed her true colors. One of the top comments said something like 'Toxic families ignore fights/brush it under the rug' Don't quote me, my memory is bad enough when I'm not crying

And that made me think of my own family, and how whenever I express my emotions, my dad checks up on me an hour or so later than everyone forgets it ever happened

And just repeat it

Over

And over

And for fucks sake, Over again

And so I wasn't crying _yet_ but I decided to finally go to sleep.

So, as per usual, I go to choose a song

And one showed up on my reccomended: I don't remember the dream, but I know I was with you again.

And so, as I lay down ready to sleep, I think

First of my ex, but then, of my family

And at first, it was one of those foux dreams where I'm with my family

Happy and content

But than I thought, and realized that's not what I truly want

As a child, I was forced to grow up fast, as have many people I know I'm not special, but with that my young 6/7 year old brain decided to cope with lieing.

I lied to myself, that everything was ok

I lied to my family that everything at school was ok and my grades were fine and no I don't need help and yes I did my homework because I totally had motivation and totally don't just want to not get in trouble even though you _say_ you won't get mad at me for bad grades but than always do and wonder why I lie

I lied to everyone, that I was fine

That I didn't sometimes dream of being someplace else

But than, freshly 11, covid hit

And I was fine, if anything I was thriving

I finally found a way and a purpose to showcase my character, to bring out the real me

And yes I did develop a bit of depression and anxiety and paranoia, maybe it was always there idk, but didn't everyone?

It wasn't until about 3 ish years later, when I was watching The Click on the TV with my dad, when Mr. Click mentioned something about covid having a negative effect on everyone's mental health, that my dad asked me if _I_ was impacted

And I said I was fine, even when I was regularly having panic attacks

Why? Because I've tried to bring it up before and no one did anything. No checking up on me, no 'Hey, ya wanna talk to _anyone_ about this?' Just, why are you crying? There's nothing to cry about. And then ignoring the fact that it happened the next day.

Before this one, my other mist recent panic attack (or smthn idk how to classify it) was over them nit believing me

I don't remember the original argument, but my family claimed that I always lie, even though over the recent year I've tried lieing about less, but didn't believe me when I tried explaining that to them. Which is fair, my history and lieing are intertwined, but it's the fact that they didn't believe I coukd change and be better

That was one of the few times I cried in the past year.

You see, I rarely cry. This is because when I was a kind, I used to cry and my parents just ignored it, or acted like I was crying for no reason. So, as a child does, I learned. I learnt that crying didn't help at all, and so, I cried less and less.

Now, I can count the amount of times I've cried this past year on one hand.

1. When my cat of about 9/10 years died of heart problems (I think, they never really told me), his name was Mango, I cried for about half a day. I loved that cat.

He and his sister were my whole world and I'm crying now even thinking about him and how on the last day he was home, I came home and was told that he was gonna go into the vet for a problem and I was just like ok! And went upstairs to go hide in my room as I do. I didn't even pet him for fucks sake. Just a, hope he's ok, and walked off. And so he has to stay a night, two nights at the animal clinic. We're told he's getting better and we might get him back soon! Great! My fat fluffy monstrosity is gonna be back! But at around 10 the next morning, my dad recieves a call. He's in so much pain, we've tried to help him but nothings working, should we put him down. So of course my father, being the reasonable person he is, says yes do it. But I don't learn about this until about 3 that afternoon, when I came home from school and noticed the empty carrier up on one of the island stools. So me, thinking he's back, I'm all like, where is he? I don't see him. And my father, the man I have only ever seen cry twice before in my entire life, broke down. The rest of that day and night I cried. But the thing is, I couldn't tell any of my friends, because my brother was on his spring break down in New Zealand with our grandparents, aunt, and cousin. So I couldn't tell them incase they told _him_ and ruined his vacation. Maybe that's why I'm still hit so hard about him now? 10 months after? Because i wasn't able to get a support group? I don't know

I never fucking do

2. I had a panic attack home alone when my grandparents were on vacation and my only friend was hanging out with my brother and his friend (both of which I despise for reasons I have neither the time nor patience for). I tried calling my friend cause I was bored and wanted someone to hang out with, and than my brother. He picked up (turns out she lost her phone in the seats) and basically told me to fuck off and do something better with my time and stop bothering him n shit.

I had one of my only two panic attacks outside of my room in my entire life. Why? I was lonley, I didn't know if my friend actually likes me, I didn't know why my brother hates me so much. I was just

Miserable

And then my brother has the audacity to ask why tf I was crying when he came home later that day with his friend, and when I tried to explain it, he brushed it off and told me to stop whining.

3. The before mentioned panic attack about my family not believing me

4. Right now, crying in my bed as I finally take a moment to let all of those problems I pushed off for 'future me' to catch up.

I

Don't know where I was going with this

I'm tired, and sad, and I feel disgusting

It's fucking 2:35 smthn on a Thursday, I gotta be up by 6:40

I probably won't sleep for another while and I'm just gonna

Idk

Also I feel it's hypocritical for me to feel disgusting because, and my apologies for the tmi, I'm honestly so unhygienic

I don't have the energy to take showers more than once every 2 or so eays, my trash is over flowing but I just can't bring myself to clean it, I haven't washed my binder in forever because the idea of taking it off long enough for it to be cleaned and dry is disgusting, and I've only recently started brushing my teeth once a day

I'm fucking nasty and I have the nerve to be a goddam germaphobe about it

Thats

It's really

If you read all this, I'm sorry ig

I just needed somewhere to off load and I can't do it anywhere else because I have friends and family who follow me in there

Not looking for comfort, just needed to off load all of this

Might make another vent post if it gets this bad again

I don't know

I never really do anyways

But, I hope you have a great day/night, kind stranger

[sniper-rifle-coffee]

So had a tough day Saturday me & the family had a funeral for our grandmother and grandfather, long story not short, my oldest brother broke that night I had to take control of him & my younger brother, so oldest blacked out making me regret leaving my kids then told me every day he thinks about his dad walking out then as he became older he felt that he had to become the father of the family an we see that in him I look up to him but after him all this I still need to be there for him he was in so much pain he then talks alone to our little brother at some point they were on the ground hugging crying screaming that was bad because as soon as I went to split them up our little brother bolts to the highway yelling screaming I chased him down an get him back to the car after calming him down oh lord it was so fucked that night traumatized both of us I'm pretty sure our little brother won't be going to anymore family events because of what my older brother said an did there's so much my older brother broke me talked about my kids made me feel worthless even though he said he feels like a bum lower then me since I'm a father he then started to yell in my face I have to keep all the family members together every year or two I have to contact all our family even though he was doing that telling everyone there that we have to meet least a 1 or 2 year for now on, the thing about my family we only meet when death occurs its rare for us to come together ever it's just were not social that much so we meet near never,

I get why my brother wants us all to come back to being a family there's not many of us left he then also started to say he's now the oldest one in the family on our moms side this all seems so fucked up didn't help that my older brother did nothing for our oldest brother that's why I had to deal with them seem I'm always the one that needs to keep pushing on but I'm fucken tired lately I stay up nights in a row the longest I've gone without sleep was nearly 3 days keeping busy cleaning my place my roommates parents place even cutting there grass just to keep busy just getting fucked up after work high asf drunk I'm so tired but can't sleep I have so much going on since this funeral, bills family friends roommates fighting daily so im popping pills painkiller for my body hurting my fucker feet I still need to see my doc for that & a bloody fucken refill been near a month trying to get my 15mg so nearly a month having only 2mg of my Anti psychotic my mom thinks I can't sleep because I've pretty much been off my meds I need 17mg I'm missing 15mg so smoking weed is a high risk but I've been risking it need it helps me slow down, plus bills an debt collectors keep emailing me and calling me every day I just started to pay for my child support a wonderful 310$ each month now that'll be great for rent tight asf they took this amount when I was doing windows and doors that was a great paying job, the job I do now is like half a cheque compared to windows so my CS is little high weird timing so my son is also going to have a new brother or sister she told me that she's with child from a guy she put in jail he's out an guess they're having a child that's pretty awesome but little fucked up this guy man should have stayed in jail he hit her an yelled at my boy fuck him but eh as long he don't fuck up ill be chill don't like him one bit,

ah anyways so I got my bills paid for living here but my phone bill is fucked for my ex I have her on my plan she don't pay for this bill even though she gets heavy charges going to the USA using data roam my last bill mine 240$ hers 350$ to 400$ because going to the usa so much it hits the bill fucken hard I paid 410$ few days ago the remainder is 600$ an due on the 24th so I have to message her again to help pay the bill or get cut off I can't afford for her to up fuck the phone bill just to fuck some guy in the usa thank fuck the night we fight I told her I don't trust her & that she's paying for the fucken suv I got her she's got a really good paying easy family job in IT she could easily pay for some of the phone bill but won't so seems if no pay by Saturday she's off it I just pray I can get her off it.

Still hurting missing my kids I had to leave I couldn't live with her an her dad any longer in the ghetto bug Infested Projects with her lies an doing things behind my back it even shows soon after i left she just went right to the other guy..

you know what's another fucked thing she pays 400 for fucken rent I pay 1750 three ways maybe 2 ways soon fuck me man then pay for water an hydro internet foods house hold things so like I said too roommates been fighting an I'm the guy in the middle listening to both sides seems I'm the one that keeps them from losing it fully on each other one mate been sick missing lots of work not cleaning after him self & get real messy when his gf comes visiting even though all he does is game on pc every day n night so me an other mate talked he said if he misses rent or borrows off me again he wants him out I get it but I said we got to give him a chance even though there had been a few chances already fuck hate being the nice good guy for people I'm so tired left an right just trying my best to keep peace an people happy I did my best for my kids the girls probably maybe miss me or hates me for not getting to say bye or why,

I finally just met my son while back for the first time had a great day getting to know him an play in a park together ate some food had Ice cream that was a great day at the forks,

but I was there for my girl 9years an didn't even get two years for my daughter I hate my ex why would she do it leave me in the dark I known we were drifting apart but I wanted to be there for the kids so badly I feel so useless & cowardly I just couldn't live with her for months I wouldn't hold her I'd sleep far in the corner against the wall most nights to hold my daughter as she slept in the middle of the bed my heart hurts not feeling hers anymore I'm crying again I keep missing out on so much I only get updates from my mom about how my daughter's are doing I'm in so much fucken pain feel lost an stuck suffering daily guess it's what I deserve I could have stayed but I knew what was happening an I mentally couldn't do it any longer if I stayed I would have had psychosis again it would have been some time but it was going to happen living like that small rooms I've learned what triggered my last one her an her family with a mix of alot of alcohol an weed. Last few days non stop thinking life is really fucking me it's so hard I sometimes get to vent to my mate helps but I still feel so alone my freinds don't get or feel what I deal with or gone through I feel so depressed and Defeated my only fix is weed alcohol an painkillers lately that's all I do keep busy fix clean move shit work I'm tired same thing daily work coffee music I go out now again just to try an social hang out with friends but ever night is rough sleep maybe few hours then repeat over an over shit just keeps building up I need a real break I'm hoping this weekend to finally chill out I wanna keep venting but this is alot an probably enough bitching it's me I shouldn't do this but I feel breaking writing things out I stopped writing on my notes since the ward guy in there I let him use my phone & he fucked with my notes this is my last place to escape vent talk just to feel a little better.

I just need a break soon it's killing me slowly living like this. Fucken trauma keeps creeping in my mind since the family get together for our grandparents.

[sweetanxiousangel]

Themes

Have you ever noticed that every day has a theme? Or maybe every week?

Maybe it's just me over thinking... or maybe astrology has something to do with it... But I have noticed that there are patterns of events, thoughts, and observations that lead up to a daily or weekly theme. Sometimes it clicks randomly and I'm like "oh shit... Today's theme is___." It's kinda fun. I feel like themes add more meaning to my life.

Today's theme (11/15/2023) is "What is 'good enough'?"

I graduated university in May, finally got my license, then quickly after got into a car accident that forced me to go a few months without a vehicle. I stayed home to fulfill my end of a deal between my great-grandmother, which was: I get to live for free as long as I take care of her. In other words, I'm at Walmart every other day. I am very grateful for the deal, but it's hard being alone without much support. I had to raise myself, a bunch of kids, and my mom. I have a mother who is physically present but genuinely absent. She has always forced me to handle things completely alone. I managed to get a degree and my license with some help from my long time boyfriend but it was still a lonely journey. Well, anyways....

Now to the theme.

My mom has the tendency...uh... to not be honest to get her way? She has always loved to attack my insecurities in ways that she feels are subtle. The biggest, most recent example of this was telling me about a conversation between her and my great-grandmother. She insists that my great-grandmama said that "She is sick and tired of waiting for us to get our shit together." I don't understand. My mom has refused to work for years so she can recieve more child support from her ex and more benefits from the government. She doesn't contribute financially or even emotionally. She forces me to figure it out for my great-grandma, sisters, and myself. Yet I'm being told that I'm not doing enough. I'm not working because I was without a car and I live far from everything. My mom was always weird about me using her car... and defintely didn't want to help me get to interviews or appointments. Why am I being seen and treated like a loser because I'm not making money? Why are family members who do not talk to me call me names despite me dedicating my time and effort to ensuring that their mother/grandmother/aunt is healthy and safe?

It's funny. Honestly. I feel guilty for not doing more. Especially those months I literally could not do more. I had to rely on my boyfriend who has recently gone back to school. I felt guilty asking for help because my family really isn't his problem.

My theory regarding that conversation between my mom and great-grandmama is that there is some truth. My great-grandma wants to see me work before she feels comfortable giving me my inheritance (the home we live in). I feel that my mom is adding pressure on me to "handle" the situation, so she feels safe living here. As in... as long as I'm the owner, she will always have a home.

For a woman who is aware that she has failed me constantly... she sure has a lot of nerve to feel this entitled.

I've tried my best my whole life. I was only ever met with "Good. That's what the fuck you should be doin'." :| It's like I was trained to go above and beyond and never stop. I'm so drained.

I'm 23. I'm a woman now. Why can't I recognize my worth and give myself some credit?

What is good enough? Why am I so unhappy despite doing so much with so little?

So... What's my next step? I got a little excited thinking about my blog that it has already motivated me to take headshots to update my LinkdIn and resume. I can't wait to start my career. I just want to be secure finally. Secure in all aspects of my life.

[nyusdarkdays]

About me?

Honestly idk why i suddenly thought about writing all this here but ig maybe??? i could find the root causes of my mental health? idk

Sooo umm It all started when i was 11, back in 2011 when my Mom's father kicked us out basically. I dont really have a father, i mean i do but hes not really there. My mother married him out of family pressure and that didnt end well. He had severe anger issues and was always jealous that my mom earned more than him. male ego ew. He wanted mom to leave her job and be a houswife with a lot of restrictions but thankfully my mom stood up for herself and they were living seperately. They never lived together tbh. my father was from another city and my mom didnt move there due to obvious reasons. so anyway yeah back to the story. So when we were basically homeless, we rented a house . glad my house had a good gov job so we could afford it. It was during summer holidays right after my 6th grade when everything started affecting me mentally. I would stay home alone all day, no tv , no phone , no colony friends it was very lonely. Weird thoughts kept coming in my mind it was a devils house lmaoo. Plus the family fights and stuff were taking a huge toll on me. I didnt share this with my school friends back then prolly because i was embarrassed or because i didn't find the need to? I did'nt know how to behave with people. i started getting aggressive about a lot of things and my friends left me for that. Later i realised and apologized for my behavior and got them back.

anyway so back when i was in my grandfathers house, we were a joint family0. my grandmother, granfather, mother and her brother and sister and i. There were fights almost everyday but later when my aunt and mama got married the fights got more intense. i used to run up to the terrace to avoid all the shouting. I think thats one of the reaons why i get so worked up when i hear people yelling. trauma?.

anywayyyy so everything started effecting my studies and my acadmeics went to hell. i love my mom but back then she'd say all these mean things to me like "Why were you even born" "you're so useless" honestly i dont remember now but yeah that also affected me a lot mentally that i started self harming. It was out of curiosity at first but then i got addicted. The physical pain made the mental pain feel less. I self harmed almost everyday. it was like a drug to me. When my friends found out about it because i used to cut my hand like the whole hand, i started cutting my leg, It hurt a lot, sometimes i couldnt even walk. i just wish id bleed to death or something. Family and bad academics made everything worse. and as a cherry on top, something happened in school. Everyone thought i was a liar and it was like everywhere i went, people spoke bad about me that i dreaded going to school. Anyway this self harming continued till 2016 November ig? (i started in 2013) i self harmed in the hostel as well lol until.. until my ex best friend cum my roommate tried to end her life. It was scary. She left school but i kept thinking about it. Somehow that made me stop trying to kill myself for a while and completely stop self harming. I used to have a lot of anxiety attacks without knowing they were anxiety attacks.

anyway this even worsened during my bachelors. My depression and anxiety got very severe. Not just mentally but also physically. The chest pains, the body pains, the nausea and fatigue, the constant tiredness and fear. I completely failed academics which in return increased my anxiety. I felt so hopeless and useless beacuse i was good at nothing. It took me 5 years to graduate a 4-year bachelors degree with 34 backlogs and numerous failed suicide attempts. i wasnt even that brave to hang myself or jump off but but it was mostly over doing my anti-depressants. oh yeah i went tp therapy, that guy saw my self hard scars and told my mom. fuck. anyway mom was worried. also i'm glad she never told me anything about my academics she never made me feel like a failure im very glad. Shes always encouraging. I feel selfish that i tried to end myself when im the only one left for mom but i couldnt and cant help it. Im sorry mom you obviously deserve a better kid. A much better kid. So ummm yeah after graduating and leaving therapy because the meds werent working i started feeling a bit better? the anxiety and depression went down or maybe i just learned how to live with it. it was already 2022 which means 11 years of depression. i think anxiety came along in 2016? honestly idk but ik i started treating it as a part of me, i accepted it and it did help me. It doesnt effect my daily routine because ive learnt to live with it.

anyway so about my father, he kept visiting from time to time. at first it was every month, then it became once in 2 , 3 ,4 ,5 . Its not like he cared. He never helped us emotionally or financially, Even when my mom was hospitalised and had a surgery in 2013, he didnt come to see. He only visited when he wanted to. My mom went througha lot because society talks yk? she basically a single mom and its hard to live in this stupid country like that. People talk shit about you. Anyway it took me 16 years to realise that my "father" never really cared. I started despising him and even his presence (once in a year) gave me the icks. His family also always spoke bad about my mother including himself ig. I didnt know how to asnwer people when they asked about him. okay so anyway he came home last year (2022) and i had to kick him out because it was becoming suffocating for me and mom. mostly mom so i did it for her. I said some rude things to him so that he wont come again and trust me i feel shit but yeah he deserved. And he came home on my bday early this year (jan). I still remember the way my heart dropped seeing him.I hate birthdsys because of this. I had to kick him out again. Again people talk. No one sees his mistakes , how he never called or gave a fuck about us. they only see how we kicked him out. I hate him . and then later i got to know that he also tried to ummm hchoke my mom back in 2003? when we went to visit him. I was there. i have a vivid image in my head that i can never forget. Theres also some secret that my mom and grandfather are keeping from me. idk if ill ever know about it . He prolly has another family maybe? idk p maybe its something worse. anyway thanks to him i cant look at any other man without thinking of him now.

yeah so now back to me. I ruined my life. idk if it can repaired. I'm trying to do my masters. I have applied to some collges in australia and one of them rejected me. my cgpa is 6.2 and i have 34 backlogs with no work exp so its hard, All i want to do is die because i cannot take this anymore. I dont try to kill myself anymore but i wish i could.

All of my friends have jobs or are doing their masters. what am i doing? i know i ahouldnt compare myself but do you think its easy? Everyone out there is indepedant already and im nothing? Its very embarassing and hard. The time is ticking like a time bomb and im terrified.

i need to get away from this place. I need to heal and i just need anothee chance from life where i could repair myself and move forward. I will never be able to move on if im here. There's a lot of pain and trauma here. ISTG if it doesnt work out, i might really do something to myself, i will shut myslef comepletely and just wait till i die.

ill add more things if i remember, now i have cramps on my fingers bye

[servin-up-surveys]

survey #170

Give us a lyric from a song you’ve recently listend to: I'm listening to "Slum Planet" by 3TEETH right now and the lyric just said was "no one wins in this human race."

Why did you cry the last time you did? I learned about diabetic comas and started fearing that one day it'll happen to Mom while she's asleep with how violently her blood sugar plummets. My anxiety was so fucking bad that night, I had so much trouble falling asleep.

Have you donated blood in the last 2 years? No, but I actually plan on doing it with Girt this Sunday, it completely depends on what my blood pressure is at the time of the appointment; it's almost always alarmingly low EVERY time I get it checked, like it's just normal for me (partially because of a med), so there is a very real chance of me being turned down. But I'm still going with him regardless though, he loves when he gets the chance to do it (drives are coincidentally almost always on work days for him lol) and I fucking love that.

What is your relationship with the last person to comment you? Like, on a social media? Facebook is telling me Ashley, my boyfriend's sister.

Who was the last person to sit on your bed? Me, I still do certain physical therapy exercises lying and sitting on it.

Do you have a favorite flower? Orchids, pink tulips (I don't really care about non-pink ones that much), dahlias, hydrangeas, roses, etc. I just adore flowers.

Would you rather be stuck on a desert island with your ex or a python? HA give me the fucking python, at least the snake won't make me feel like literal trash. Besides, a python is not going to be able to eat me and with that fact it'd have no interest in bothering me, and I'd leave it alone too. Don't villainize snakes.

Name three objects within your reach? My water bottle, planner, and Girt's work schedule for like an entire year lmao. He gave it to me for the convenience of planning hanging out days and I think he also knows I just like knowing where he is, especially if my anxiety is high and I can't immediately reach him.

Would you get a shamrock tattooed to your forehead for $5,000? Gah, that money is FUCKING TEMPTING, but I just couldn't.

Where was the last place you went that was more than an hour away? Why were you going there? A city two hours away that is where Girt's grandmother is at a nursing home. We were celebrating her birthday; that day wasn't her actual birthday, but it's a day that worked for the family to get together. It meant a lot to be there, because odds are it was her last.

Who was the last person to tell you you looked nice? Girt, I think?

Do you know a schizophrenic person? Girt's mother, and I know of my schizophrenic half-sister.

Name the last 3 people you kissed and list one nice thing about each one. Girt is very polite, Sara was very creative, and Tyler, uh... he was sweet?

Are you friends with a Conner? No, I don't even know one.

What is the last thing you spoke to your father about? He sent me a picture of his cat Louie chilling with a deer in he and his wife's backyard. I'm against letting your cat free-roam outdoors, but regardless it was very cute and I said so. He was just sitting chilling while the deer grazed.

Ever suffered from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder? I literally have it, yeah.

During which year of your life were you the most unhappy? I genuinely don't think any hell a god could make could be worse than what 2016 was for me. Every waking moment I wanted to be dead, and when I slept my dreams were always the same: extremely painful and focused on Jason and how we'd never be what we were again.

Have you ever seen a bluejay in person? Yes, I love them. I used to collect bluejay feathers while I dated Jason actually, because his nickname from his dad was always "J Bird," and I called him that sometimes too.

Who is the most energetic and happy person you know of? My nephew Ryder.

Who makes you smile the most often? Girt.

Do you remember the first person you felt sexually attracted to? In a completely serious context, Jason.

Of all of your friends’ significant others, who do you get along with best? And least? I don't really know my friends' s/os, at least not on a personal level.

Have you ever had a platonic friend that everyone insisted you should be in a relationship with? YUP, GIRT. Finally happened lmao, bomb-ass decision.

Who do you think is the most attractive actor? Probably Jason Momoa lmao, or Johnny Depp.

Have you ever been caught doing something REAL embarrassing by your parents? LOL SURE HAVE AND I WANTED TO PASS AWAY

Do you have any of your neighbors as friends on Facebook? No.

You can only listen to 1 band for the rest of your life, who do you pick? so like...... Rammstein, surprise lmfao

When was the last time you felt like your heart was actually breaking? Many months ago when I was pretty convinced Girt was going to leave and I was going to relive the Jason breakup, just with him. I was fucking hysterical, this guy had to hold me as I probably broke his eardrums scream-crying for like, 15 full minutes. The feeling I had in my chest was more awful than I could ever put into words.

Who was the last person you cried in front of? Probably Mom?

Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with? Girt.

Have you ever said anything to the last person you kissed that you regret? Yes, in a couple instances where I was mad.

Do you know anyone who has fought in a war? Jason's dad was in the Navy, but idk if he was ever in a combat situation. I know Girt's dad fought in Operation Desert Storm.

Name ONE good memory about your last ex? I very much felt like I could be 200% myself around her.

Do you live near any large rivers or lakes? Yeah, the Tar River is really long, and I live in an area where you regularly cross smaller bridges over it.

Would it annoy you if a stranger called you "sweetie?" This very much depends. I'd say generally no, I tend to like terms of endearment, but if it's some creepy guy that seems very suspect, I'd be uncomfortable.

What's the worst thing you've gone through in the past year? Letting go of and healing from an extremely rotten friendship. Deciding enough was enough with Sara was so fucking not an easy decision, it was fucking excruciating and involved so much hurt, and I regularly questioned if I was a horrible person.

What's the next friend or family birthday coming up? Will you buy them a present? Literally tomorrow is my sister Ashley's 30th, and no, but only because I don't have a source of income. I can't get anything for family and it fucking sucks.

How many beds are in your home? Two in the traditional sense, however we do have a couch that can fold out into a bed. Not a very comfortable one, but it's a bed.

Do you wear face masks in public? I no longer do, not because I don't believe in the effectiveness of masks (because they fucking are effective), but because I think like most people, I've just given up on the concept of us ever getting Covid under control; it's going to be in the human population for probably as long as we live now. A new type of flu, basically. I would wear a mask though if I was sick with Covid-esque symptoms, that's just basic consideration for other humans.

Have you ever gotten back together with an ex? Only Girt; the first time we dated briefly at the end of 2017 I just wasn't ready to be with a man again. I had walls that weren't coming down.

What month of the year was your mother born? August.

Who do you feel most beautiful around? My mom.

Have you ever had a friend that got a bf/gf, and then completely ignored you? Yes, what a coincidence, I was thinking of her last night. We were online friends with a long, very tight friendship, but one day her accounts that I knew of were just gone, and this was very near the time she started dating some guy.

Who is the smartest person you know? Girt.

If your friend asked you to hold their drugs, would you? Hell no.

The last two people you kissed, are they virgins? Girt's not, Sara was when I knew her, no clue about now.

How did you and your significant other celebrate your last anniversary? We just hung out at my house.

Do you know anyone who owns their own business? Yes, more than one person.

What was the last thing that changed your life completely? Going to physical therapy. I am so fucking happy with all the progress that is still happening, standing is by now generally only uncomfortable versus actually painful. I'm standing more in real-life situations that prove to me how much better my legs have gotten.

What do you normally drink when eating at a fast food restaurant? Usually either Mountain Dew or Coke.

What was the last thing you saw that made you smile? A really cute picture of two of my nieces; Aubree was being an adorable big sister.

Who was the last person you took a photograph with? My niece and sisters.

Did you like the show Invader Zim? Surprisingly I never really watched it, I just thought Gir was cute.

What’s the scariest book you’ve ever read? I've never been scared by a book.

What does your best friend love that you hate? Extremely hard games that generally require hours and hours of failing regularly to get good at it, nameably FromSoft games; I'm quite sure Girt's platinumed/100%ed all of them lmao, meanwhile I couldn't even get to the FIRST BOSS of Bloodborne myself haha, I suck at those games SOOOOOOOOOOO bad. My head nearly exploded when I tried Dark Souls, like I quit pretty damn fast because once a game reaches a certain level of difficulty for me, shit's not fun anymore. Meanwhile Girt's hardheaded as HELL and really gets satisfaction out of figuring out challenges, so FromSoft makes some stuff he really enjoys. What sucks is I LOVE watching the games be played, like Elden Ring is one of the greatest video games ever made in all of history imo, I just don't have the patience for those of its sort as a player. Video games are Girt's "thing" though that he's just super fucking good at.

How well do you know the people you live with? I know my mom very well, and we've been closer than ever lately. I feel our already-strong bond has strengthened quite a bit just from sitting out in the living room with her during dinner more often. She confides in me with a lot of things and has told me how much she appreciates me just listening.

When was the last time you had a conversation with an ex? A few weeks ago with Juan, if you even wanna count him as an ex when we dated for less than a day.

Ever cried while you were on the phone with the last person you kissed? No, we basically never call each other. He's mentioned wanting to but knows I hate phone calls and I'm like you're obviously an exception dude but yeah we don't really talk-talk via the phone.

Have you ever bought a YouTuber’s merch? I have two Cloak shirts, a brand owned by Markiplier and jacksepticeye, and one features the Randler and cockatrice used as symbols for Good Mythical Morning/Rhett & Link.

Do either of your parents have tattoos? No, but my mom wants one based around her kids and grandkids.

For your birthday do people buy you a cake or bake you one? Usually buy.

If your boy/girlfriend wanted to have a sex change, would you support them? Sure would, I'm pansexual anyway so it wouldn't remove my sexual feelings for that person. Like sure it'd obviously be a massive change, requiring adjustments like getting pronouns right, but he/she would have my full support if they felt a sex change would improve their happiness.

What do you think of cannibals? It's gross. I think eating your own species, at least for such developed animals like humans who have consciences that allow us to put meaning into BEING a human, is morally questionable.

[puppy-coded]

You're Worth More{R.B. & E.M.}

✰ 𝐖𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬: feeling less than/unwanted, breakup and heartbreak, robin led you on </3

✰ 𝐏𝐚𝐢𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬: platonic!Eddie x reader, ex!Robin x reader(briefly)

✰ 𝐖𝐨𝐫𝐝 𝐂𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐭: 1k words

✰ 𝐒𝐮𝐦𝐦𝐚𝐫𝐲: Robin breaks up with you and Eddie is there for you. Always.

✰ 𝐀/𝐍: Yeah so turns out that getting broken up with over text isn't fucking fun. Based on recent events <3

"Hey! I am so incredibly sorry to spring this up on you now but I can't do this. I'm overwhelmed by the thought of a relationship. I've never been in one before and I don't think I can be friends with this looming over me. We can still be friends though! I really enjoy talking to you. If you need space though, I totally get it. Just get back when you can darling."

Your watch beeped with the message from Robin and you, stupidly in hindsight, read it after you rang up a customer. Your eyes stung at the message and you looked to your boss/grandmother with a large fake smile.

"I need to use the bathroom, I'll be back."

"I'll hold down the fort sister!"

"Thanks grams."

You locked yourself in a stall and tried not to cry, reading and rereading the same message. You didn't understand.

Robin told you she was into you.

She thought you were pretty.

She's called you sexy before.

And now it's ending via text message?

You took a screenshot to send to Eddie before telling him what happened.

You were in a bad internet spot and he was very confused by your "love is dead" message. It send before the screenshot did.

"Anyway love is dead."

"WHAT??? WHAT HAPPENED?"

Attachment: 1 image

"Love my life rn"

"oh babe, i'm sorry"

You went back to work and you were pretty busy when Nancy, also known as the best coworker ever, finally walked into the coffee shop.

Class had just gotten out and the line of students there was crazy.

After the line died down and it was just you and Nancy you almost started crying. You only had about five minutes to talk about it if Nancy would let you.

You really didn't want to cry though.

You started fanning your face and Nancy stared at you questioningly. "You hot?"

"Hot? No. Trying not to cry," You chuckled.

"Oh? What happened?" She asked, looking genuinely concerned.

Oh fuck.

The water works.

Stay in. Stay in please...

You put your hands in your sweatpants' pockets and leaned against the counter. "Um... girl problems. I'm trying not to cry because I don't want to explain anything to grams. I'm not out yet..." You briefly explained, sniffling a bit.

"It's just- she knows my schedule too," You vented to your friend. "She texted me an hour into my three hour shift and I have to hide the fact I had an almost-girlfriend from my grandma. I'm lucky she has allergies and can hardly function." You ranted, crossing your arms.

Nancy shook her head and did the same. "That's not fair."

"Yeah well... life not fair," You reminded her.

Nancy poked her lip out and held her arms out. "Hug?"

You nodded with a quivering lip and burning eyes. "Yes please."

You quickly pulled away and immediately started wiping your face. You had cleaned yourself off just in time and plastered yet another fake smile across your face.

Nancy took care of you during your shift. She kept getting customers and telling you to "study" which meant "do what you have to do but make it look important".

"bubbles ily. i think you need to hear this rn. i can't imagine my life without you."

"thanks teddy. ilyt."

"call after work?"

"always"

Your shift was up and you almost ran to your car, ready to call Eddie.

He picked up within a few rings and you stayed on for a few moments silently crying.

"Sweetheart, I'm sorry." Eddie finally said, breaking the silence.

You started sobbing at that. "It's just- She said-"

"I know hon, I'm sorry."

"Teddy, what if that was it? My- my- my one chance?" You asked hysterically.

"Not how that works babydoll. I've been in plenty of relationships, all of them ending terribly," He assured you.

You took a few breaths and tried calming yourself down.

"Focus on things that make you happy bubbles," Eddie advised.

You swallowed, choking on your own spit and sob, with a loud and disgusting snort because of snot. "I- I get paid Friday," You said.

You could hear Eddie clapping on the other. "Good! That's good! Buy yourself a little treat. A little somethin' somethin' Friday." He encouraged. "Robin did a shitty thing."

You shrugged even though you knew Eddie couldn't see it. "It's whatever I guess. Everything is fine."

"It's not fine love."

"If I pretend it is then I can stop feeling," You argued.

"I know it sounds good but you need to let it out."

You nodded. "I'll call you later. I need to think."

"Bye, love you."

"Love you too Teddy."

. . .

You woke up feeling like absolute shit. You grabbed your phone and almost clicked Robin's contact out of habit to tell her good morning.

Instead you clicked Eddie's.

"i miss her"

"don't"

"why?"

"she's not good for you"

"this whole thing is a minor detail! she's perfect"

All of a sudden your ringtone echoed around in your small bedroom with Eddie's contact picture covering your screen.

"(Y/N). What the hell?" Eddie asked, still sounding tired.

You were in a blanket burrito and sniffed again at the memory of the events of the night before. "She's perfect."

Eddie huffed and you could hear his bed squeak on the other end. "Literally she's not. Nobody is. Babe what happened was not okay. In my eyes, nothing could redeem her."

"I know." You replied sadly. "She was just the first person ever to think I'm cute and to return my feelings for them."

" I know. And I know that it feels great," He said. "I get it. I do. But this is exactly what happened with Chrissy and I."

"Chrissy's a bitch," You reminded him. "We talked you down for weeks."

You could imagine Eddie pinching his nose before hearing him sigh. "That's what I'm trying to tell you. You deserve better. Not that shit."

"Eddie?"

"Hm?"

You choked a bit on spit and started crying. "What if- what if she says that she wants me back?"

"Then you run," He chuckled. "It's because you're worth more than a text."

"Promise?" You asked quietly.

"Promise." He whispered back.

✰ 𝐓𝐚𝐠𝐥𝐢𝐬𝐭: @sw34terw34ther @thine-local-simpeth-again @tigergirllolipop @mad-elia @chaossmoonlights

[cosmictulips]

Brother Bear... I let you down (PAC)

Based on Brother Bear, this is where you can find forgiveness. what you need to forgive in order to move on. what is still lingering inside of you. perhaps even WHOM you need to forgive.

huge huge

Huge!

trigger warning for some of these. mostly about childhood trauma.

so pick a ... poorly edited picture , and lets get started

1, 2, 3

Pile 1!

09 of cups, 10 of cups, the Tower, Death, 08 of Cups, Ace of Cups.

now, I'm getting two different vibes from this. I purposely kept it this way for a reason. (if you have noticed from my other pacs i usually list the majors first). and I want to talk about why.

If you've chosen this pile, very strongly one of two things could have happened. so here's your trigger warning now. beep boop.

Some of you were emotionally abused, neglected, or this is about a relationship of some kind that went south really quick and you need to learn how to put yourself first.

this is a very brutal reading. I'm not going to lie. the stories I'm getting here starts off with feeling good. surrounded by people you think are good for you. they put on a mask, and for awhile things are looking up.

But you know better than this. Pile 1, you have a very strong intuition. and I don't know why, but for some of you have to keep learning the lesson of trusting yourself first before someone else. and I get that cause I keep doing that to.

For you to move on, and to heal, you have to forgive yourself. you may say to yourself that you knew better but you still trusted that person, or like, this person, totally like blind sided you. it doesn't matter, you need to forgive yourself. because a lot of you seem to be blaming yourself for this situation and that's not fair to you.

A lot of you though, I think are in this stage of forgiving and healing. we have the ace of cups here, and everything about this reading is showing me a person who is looking away from me.

You ARE moving on. you are healing. do not doubt yourself. As you move ahead, I'm feeling that some of you may look back. look back and reflect, but don't do it out of pain. you taught yourself some very important lessons here. and it's okay to mourn for what you thought you had.

but I promise you something better is coming for you. new relationships with other people, and with yourself. I'm seeing that for a lot of you, this is going to come in the form of some kind of work. Art maybe. games? music? just something that sparks your interest.

For others of you, it's a person who is... almost your opposite lol. I think this person is meant to be more of a friend for you guys but they light you up. they bring that life back in and help you create strong boundaries.

I think... pile 1, your lessons in life have to do with affirming your boundaries. and because I know a lot of you are screaming at me "tulips how the FUCK do we figure out boundaries?"

Let me tell you what I've been learning ::

if something is making you angry, chances are they are stepping your boundary. find that source of your anger, and then ask why you're angry about it. make that a new boundary.

If you can't pinpoint, write down, talk it out, whatever, but start with "okay what do I know?" and then go from there.

this journey feels very personal. and I'm telling you, you'll be happy again. you'll be stronger. more confident. keep going. and please, forgive yourself.

Pile 2

10 of Cups, Page of Cups, Queen of Pentacles, Queen of Cups, 09 of Swords, 03 of Cups

uh, I'm not sure if this is a parental figure, an ex, or a friend. there's definitely people involved int his. I want to say this is someone who acts like a mother. could be literally a mother, but there's strong familial ties coming out. sister, aunt, grandmother. hell even a neighbor who may have helped raise you, a teacher, etc. the point is, it's a female with authority.

I do NOT get males from this pile, but when I was gathering the energy of this, there was a young male that popped out. I don't think his intentions were malicious. I think it's someone who is trying to protect you. so if that's you, then, just know someone is watching over you.

Anyway, someone really, and I mean really hurt you. and it's still lingering to this day. I feel like for a lot of you, this stems from childhood because I'm seeing like literally, a wound that has never healed. it's slow, and every time the tides of time try to heal it, you just keep reopening it. I don't know if it's a defense thing for you, like using it as a victim complex, I don't know if you're just unaware of what keeps triggering it, but it's time to let it go.

This could also be the case of having this person still around you. and that's kind of a tough call because you can't really heal something you're still going through. there are like.. things you could do to try to protect yourself as you go through it, but until you're out you kind of just live in survival mode.

Regardless, what I'm seeing is that in order for you to move on, you must reconnect with that mother energy within you. get into things that are (by societies standards lmao) feminine. cooking, having female, or just soft friends, motherly friends. be open to giving and taking without expecting much in return. wear whatever colors you think are girly, do your hair, makeup.

Just... learn to mother yourself. you know what I'm saying? give yourself comfort when you need to. let others this reading is really highlighting letting other people do things for you. letting other people in to help you. you may have built strong walls to prevent people from coming in. but there are people who want to help you.

I keep hearing sisterhood lmao.

it's really time to heal this anxiety that you may have over dating, over loving yourself, etc. underneath this pain there is a huge heart of gold, a flame that I know you are still carrying. and I really think the best step forward is to just embrace that more feminine side of you and more importantly, let other people in again.

Pile 3!

Strength, the World, 05 of Wands, Ace of Swords, 07 of Cups, 06 of Swords, 07 of Wands, 05 of Cups

Wow this picture is small lmao

Soooo, this is kind of my grab-bag pile. for some of you, it's definitely a more masculine figure. I don't even want to say like... males in general because I'm picking up on a very... uh... bitchy female to put it simply. but like I think a majority of you need to forgive the idea of what you thought your life was going to be like.

I'm seeing that a lot of you have a lot of passion for things. maybe you're the type that just knew what you wanted from a young age. but life really, and I mean really has a way of knocking you down a peg. between perhaps fighting for the job you want, fighting for your voice to be heard, or hell, fighting to get one goddamn plan to go correctly. like, something just keeps going wrong.

and you keep seeing all of these options, or what you think are options, and yet somehow nothing is right. something always has to go wrong. someone always has to fight you on everything.

and it's tiring. people have let you down too many times. you feel like you let yourself down too many times. and I think this is where the other person I'm picking up on comes in. someone just won't let you live it down.

My thing is, I think some of you are chasing a passion regardless of how many times you keep hitting a wall. and that's great. in this case, you need to learn to forgive the other person because they are just reflecting to you what they probably experienced. and they're just scared something is going to happen to you.

but for the rest of you, I see this restless desire. I love this aobut you because you don't just give up. but damn, it's like "when is it my turn?" and I feel that on a level.

Forgive the fact that some people just don't understand your plans. that life is just cruel and will try to do everything it can to make sure you stay in the box it has for you. forgive yourself because you're allowing this kind of shit to get to you (I know it's hard to not take things personally but bruh, I'm telling you got fire in your viens, just keep going. you're going to make it). and most importantly, just forgive.

I think you guys are really dedicated to things and it's hard to let things go. but that's what you need to forgive. you need to forgive things that don't work out. you do your best and there's no need to keep fighting over it. let things, let people, ideas, etc. die. let them die so new and better ones can come in.

[absurdthirst]

I'm feeling a mix of anger and sadness. I've seen people went/rant here, so I guess I just wanted that too. You're always so kind to people and always know just what to say 💜

I was accused of cheating yesterday. Not by my boyfriend, but by his colleague. It's because I have blue eyes (one blue/green, the other blue/grey), my boyfriend has blue and our daughter has hazel eyes.

My Ex cheated on me, so I know how much that hurts, so I could never do that to another person. So it really hurts that someone would think I did, based on eye color.

My boyfriends sister has dark brown eyes, despite all the other siblings having blue eyes as well as their parents (and she is a spitting image of their father, so no denying they're related). So luckily my boyfriend knows it can happen and I explained how recessive genes work. But I can still see the wheels in his head turning, like he actually thinks if its a possibility I cheated.

And it gets worse by the fact that our daughter looks totally like me, so there's barely any of my boyfriend in her. And our son looks completely like his dad (only thing he got from me is my ears. Sorry kiddo), so no one questions his origin.

Fuck I'm so mad at his colleague and I don't know how to defend myself... And honestly don't know what to do... 😓

His colleague is an asshole. Complete and total buttmunch. I'm so sorry that he's putting completely unnecessary conflict on your relationship and potentially on the relationship between your boyfriend and his daughter.

Now, I have a different take on things than some might. You know that your daughter is your boyfriend's, and there is a really easy way to put his mind at ease. Do a DNA test. Or at least offer one.

Some people get really upset at that. And I get why, because it implies that your partner doesn't trust you and that is never a good feeling.

I am of the opinion that offering him the option would do a lot to ease any lingering suspicions he might have and if he does decide to do it, it's something to shove in his asshole colleague's face.

You've got nothing to hide. Again, this is my own ideas coming into play. I'm that 'fuck it, I'll prove it' type of personality. My grandmother, for years, claimed I wasn't my father's because I was conceived out of wedlock. 🙄🙄🙄🙄 Even though I have my father's green eyes. I honestly wished my parents had done it to shut her the fuck up about it. Although my father knew that I was his.

My ex tried to pull the same shit with me (although this was just his own narcissism) and when I told him to do DNA test he shut up about it.

Whatever you decide to do, I am thinking about you hun. You have EVERY right to be angry at your husband's colleague. And you have a right to be disappointed in you boyfriend for entertaining the idea, although that might not be a reality. It might be your own worry making you think that he's questioning it if he hasn't voiced anything out loud.

If it were me, I would bring it up. Tell him that I wanted to do one of those DNA tests and put the entire matter to rest.

[itsadamcole]

you’re not broken - pt. 2

fem!reader x kyle o’reilly

a year has passed since Kyle proposed to reader. Christmas Day 2021 is here, which is the date that reader and Kyle decided on for their wedding. reader invites her family, and her mother is not very happy ...

word count: 2k+

warnings: mentions of death, mentions of a plane crash, very angsty, a touch of smut, implied sex, defensive!kyle, upset!reader

— this is for whoever wanted a part 2. i hope you enjoy —

masterlist || request an imagine here

part 1

~ some 18+ content below - read at your own risk ~

You smile and look at yourself in the mirror of your bridal suite. It's been a year to the day since Kyle proposed to you. It's Christmas Day 2021 and you stand in your dress. A smile is painted across your lips as your maid of honor, Tegan Nox, fixing the veil that is attached to a little tiara.

The dress itself is mermaid style. The skirt begins to flare out at your knees, and there's a layer of sparkly fabric. There are no sleeves and a sparkly silver belt sits around your waist. The skirt and veil leave a small train behind you.

There's a knock on your suite door and you call, "Come in! Unless your name is Kyle O'Reilly."

The door opens and your now fourteen year old sister pops her head in. "Mom just got here," she says. "And she looks ridiculous."

Your eyebrows come together as the door slams open. Your mother stands in a white cocktail dress. Your eyes widen and you say, "Are you literally kidding me right now? You're really wearing a white dress to your own daughter's wedding?"

"Y/N, I tried to get her to change but she wouldn't listen to me," your sister immediately says.

Your eyes don't leave your mother. You say, "I can't believe you, Mom. I really can't. I held my title for almost 700 days, I was a double champion for 200 days. I don't know what else I can do to prove to you that I'm not my sister."

Tegan looks at you and your mother before your mother says, "You're nothing like your sister, honey. You're still alive while she's dead."

Your younger sister says, "Mom! It's her wedding day! Are you serious right now?"

"Y/OS/S will never get a wedding day," your mother states. "She'll never have kids. She'll never have the family that Y/N plans on having with Kyle."

Tears well up in your eyes and you say, "That's not my fucking fault. It's the pilot's fault. He's the reason the plane took a nosedive into the Atlantic with her on it."

Your mother walks up to you and says, "It should've been you!"

You flinch away from your mom as the door opens. You see your grandmom walk in. Your dad's mom. Your mom's mother-in-law.

"You better not have said what I think you said to my granddaughter," your grandmom says.

The angry look in your mother's eyes turns into annoyance or fear. You can't tell but the tears that formed are now falling down your face.

Your grandmother says, "You wore white to your own daughter's wedding. You're seriously that low.

Y/S/N runs over and hugs you. You hug her back as your mother says, "Why shouldn't I have? It's not like she doesn't deserve it." She shoots a glare in your direction.

Maybe she's right.

You look at your sister and ask, "Where's Kyle's room? I need to talk to him."

Your sister says, "He's in room 103."

As you go to leave, your mother says, "Oh, running away as per usual."

"I'm going to tell my fiancé that I'm not getting married if my own mother tries to ruin it," you say. "It's one thing if one of my exes or one of Kyle's try to ruin it because I can handle that. I can't handle my own mother showing up in a white dress to my own wedding."

You leave the room and walk down to Kyle's.

After standing outside the room for a second, you knock. "One second!" you hear from the inside.

You wait patiently as the door opens, revealing not Kyle but Adam Cole. He looks confused and says, "You're not supposed to be here, Y/N."

"I need to, um, talk to Kyle," you say, voice shaky.

Adam looks at you confused before he says, "I'll go get him." Adam walks off. Kyle appears in front of you seconds later.

Your fiance looks at you and asks, "Baby, what's wrong? Why are you crying?"

Kyle engulfs you in a hug and you say, "My mom showed up in a white dress, Kyle. A freaking white dress. Then she started saying how my sister will never get a wedding or have a family like us, and she said that it should've been me. She's ruined the day, Kyle. I can't do this today."

"Can't do what?" he asks, looking down at you. You look up at him with tears in your eyes.

You cry, "I can't get married today. I can't do it."

He gets a look in his eyes and he says, "I'm going to talk to your mother. Where is she?"

As Kyle whips your tears away, you say, "My room. 109."

Kyle walks down the hallway and you follow him. He bursts into the room and says, "How fucking dare you show up to our wedding in a white dress. How fucking dare you say to Y/N that it should've been her that died in that crash. This is Y/N's day. It's her day, and you're here to, what, tell her that she should have died? I'm sorry that Y/OS/N died, I wish I could have met her, but I know that she sure as hell wouldn't want you ruining her younger's sister's wedding day. Either get out of that dress, support Y/N, and get your act together or get the fuck out and go home."

Kyle being supportive and defensive makes you change your mind back instantly to wanting to marry Kyle today. If he's willing to put up with this side of your family then you're one hundred percent ready to marry him today, no matter what.

"Who do you think you are speaking to me like that?" your mother retorts. "I am-"

You watch as Kyle cuts her off. "I don't give two shits who you are," he says, making you cover a small smile that has begun to form on your lips. "You could be the president and I wouldn't fucking care. Stop talking to Y/N like she did something wrong because she didn't. It's not her fault that Y/OS/N died. She's worked harder than I've ever seen her work since you told her she was nothing like Y/OS/N. 678 days as NXT Women's Champion and 200 days as WWE Women's Tag Team Champion. That's a hell of an accomplishment that I'll never achieve but you should be proud of her instead of fucking bashing her! Grow the hell up or get out!"

Your mother looks at Kyle and looks at you behind him. Your grandmother looks almost proud and your younger sister is smiling.

Kyle has officially put your mother in her place and she's officially speechless. She also doesn't look happy.

There's tension in the air as you wait for someone to make a move.

Your mother grabs her things and walks toward the door. She stops and says, "Enjoy your life, Y/N. I never want to see or talk to you again."

Then she leaves and you're heartbroken. Your own mother won't watch as you say I do to Kyle.

Honestly, you're not that upset about it, just heartbroken that it had to come to this.

You look up at Kyle and he looks at you. "Y/N, I'm so-"

Before he can say another word, you put your hands on his cheeks and kiss him. Hard. It's a hard kiss.

Your grandmother says, "Alright, let's go Y/S/N. We shouldn't be here for this."

"But I wanna see what happens," she says, leaving the room with your grandmom.

There's a laugh as your grandmother says, "No you don't."

The door closes and Kyle pulls back from the kiss, looking down at you. "What was that for?" he asks.

You say, "No one's ever put her in her place like that, and honestly, it was hot."

Kyle laughs and says, "You would find it hot, wouldn't you?"

"I've never seen you get so defensive," you say. "It was so hot, especially with the cursing."

Your fiancé's cheeks turn a light red and he smiles. "Remind me to ask Regal to let me curse in the ring when cutting promos," Kyle says.

You lean up and kiss Kyle again. "Please do," you say.

Kyle kisses you back and cups your cheeks. You smile into the kiss, wrapping your hands around Kyle's wrists.

The two of you stand in the room like that for a few minutes, and you feel a small ache between your legs. Kyle's cursing affected you more than you thought.

You pull back from the kiss and look up at Kyle.

"I don't think I can wait for tonight," you admit.

Kyle glances at the time then sheds his suit jacket. He undoes his tie before he says, "We got time. About thirty minutes."

You reach behind you and unzip your dress as you say, "I think we'll only need fifteen."

As soon as you're both naked, you're laid out on the bed with Kyle on top of you.

Let's just say that it was the best pre-wedding sex of all time.

***

Kyle gets dressed and goes back to his room with the Undisputed Era boys as soon as you're both done in bed.

You slip your dress back on as Tegan, your younger sister, and your best friend come into the room.

"Oh, Y/N," Tegan says, hiding a laugh. "Your chest is a mess."

You look down to see that Kyle definitely left his mark on you. Your cheeks heat up and your best friend says, "Must've been good. I can promise you that tonight will be even better."

"He's already planning for tonight," you giggle. "He told me that he was holding back until tonight, and it was still some of the best we've had."

Your sister has her ears covered and you laugh at the sight.

The girls help get you fixed up and ready to walk down the aisle.

Twenty minutes later, it's time. You walk down the aisle with your father, who told your mother to leave without him because he wasn't missing your wedding.

The ceremony is taking place outside right next to an ocean. It's a beautiful day outside in Florida. A warm 60 something degrees with a slight breeze. It's a warm Christmas Day. It usually is.

Kyle stands at the end of the aisle under a white arch covered in white flowers.

Your father hands you off to Kyle, who's smiling at you. "That dress looked better on the floor," he says quietly. A smirk follows the comment.

"Behave yourself, Mr. O'Reilly," you giggle.

Kyle says, "I'll try my best, Mrs. O'Reilly."

You smile at your new last name, even if it's not official yet.

You meet Kyle's eyes and as soon as they do, you don't break eye contact with him. Not when you were saying your vows and not while you were crying as Kyle said his.

It takes an eternity for the official to say, "By the power invested in me by the state of Florida, I pronounce you man and wife. Kyle, you may kiss your bride."

"I've already done that once today," Kyle says. "Or a few dozen times." The crowd laughs. "But I'll do it again."

And he does. He seals the marriage with a kiss.

The crowd claps and you pull back from the kiss. You don't pull that far away as you say, "I love you, Kyle."

Kyle smiles and says, "And I love you, Y/N."

Then the two of you share a second kiss as husband and wife.

[iveneverbeenanatural-13]

Update for today

Lockdown for Covid-19 March 27th

I guess I'm writing the story of my life...?

Things are better. Last night was rough because of depression and anxiety... I got to thinking why do I do this to myself? To be honest there is a lot I don't share with people and as a result I tend to break down at random times. I'm not looking for pity, more just friends... People who get it. I'm glad I started to post more on here as it feels sorta like a diary. And maybe right now that's what I need. Even if no one reads this that's ok.

Maybe I will just spell it all out. See what comes from it. So here it goes.

I haven't had a bad life. I'm only 23 but it just feels like a long life with many extra bumps in it... Things just manage not to go the way id like it to most of the time. So now I'm just used the noise. I had a good childhood but many many memories of a broken family. An angry dad (not necessarily towards us kids) a mom who coped with alcohol. I often took care of my siblings as the eldest of five. And there are many other things I won't mention... It was hard. It was dysfunctional. We'd have money then didn't. We'd have food then didn't. We'd have a week of no fighting with my parents and then they would be at each other's throats the next several weeks. We'd have moments of joy but usually short-lived moments. I'm not saying it was all bad. I have good memories too. Singing Taylor Swift songs to my mini laptop webcam is a memory I have. Making music with my brother was a good memory I have. And spending time with friends too.. it wasn't all bad...

Fast forward to about 3 years ago I thought I met the love of my life. Things seemed fine. But it was the calm before the storm. After my ex and I got together things sorta slowly started to get worse. My dad didn't support my relationship. He thought we were moving too fast. My mom wasnt happy and coped with more alcohol. And even tho they had briefly separated a couple years before I thought they wouldn't ever get divorced. Well I was wrong...

My ex and I tried so hard to make our relationship work. And I think I pushed things because I wanted some kind of happy ending. Most of my friends had gotten married or were in happy relationships. This was my first real relationship. So I thought this could be the last. There were constant fights and bitterness started to grow between us... We were co-dependent. We tried to live on our own but due to a mental illness he had, he had a hard time keeping a job. So we were just CONSTANTLY STRUGGLING. It just became not a safe place anymore. We did get engaged after about a year. My dad didn't agree and we didn't have any wedding help. My friends tried to help but it was almost like people didn't take us seriously. Which hurt because I was always there for them whether I agreed with their decisions or not. My mom straight up left my Dad and moved into her own place. I was in between a lot when it came to my mom and dad. Trying to help them to get along for my sister's sake. But there were many fights or my mom getting so drunk that the police were called... DISCLAIMER: I want to say. My parents aren't bad parents. They're just broken.

My ex and I were under so much never-ending stress. We broke up and got back together several times. It was awful. Words were said, feelings were hurt, then we'd forgive and start all over again. I like to think that was the burning Red Taylor was talking about. We loved each other so much. But it wasn't a healthy lifestyle. You lose yourself. You lose who you want to be just so you can help keep the other person from drowning. After two years my parents were officially getting divorced. My dad had gone through severe depression so I moved into his place because I honestly was afraid he would kill himself. That was rough. I had also briefly moved into my moms to help her. This was the breaking point for her. And I had to get my sisters who were living with her at the time and help them to pack up and leave. They no longer wanted to be there. Leaving her behind and closing her apartment door while glimpsing her looking so sad was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. Time went on. We finally got through that. I got through that.

During this time I had lost friends. Or at least we didn't talk much anymore. I think they just didn't know how to approach me. And I know they didn't mean it. I was in a place where I couldn't be reached. Later my mom had left our state of NC and moved about 45 mins away to SC with her new Boyfriend. We like him. He's nice. And she's doing so much better! My dad had met a lady and got engaged rather quickly in my opinion lol. But as long as he's happy. When things finally started to calm down a bit with my family the damage had already been done in my relationship. It wouldn't stop. The fighting the arguing. Even after we had moved to our own little house. But it was still my home. I had my cats and my own space. I loved it. Well, back in November a huge fight had occurred and we believed we shouldn't be living together for the time being. I moved in with my grandmother.. I went back and forth a lot. Set up for Christmas and we even got to go on a little vacation. I hadn't been on a vacation in so long. Yet again, it was the calm before another storm. One night in December, the Friday before Christmas (my absolute favorite holiday) I got a call. It was my ex. He said he couldn't do it anymore. And that he was breaking up with me. He said he couldn't tell me face to face because it would be too hard and he probably would change his mind. And I cried. And begged him not too. This all happened after a particularly hard argument we had the day before. Where I had done something wrong and I did apologize for it. But it just wasn't enough... And that was it. The end of my 2-year whirlwind relationship. I was heartbroken. He got really angry and was just saying really mean things to me. Personal things that really affected me. I had to go get all my stuff. Leave one of my kitties behind and give the other one up because I couldn't bring her with me. She is rehomed to one of my best friends. She had been there through pretty much all of it. I'm so grateful I have her. I saw my ex went on a date after 3 weeks. And yeah. It was awful. I felt like the scum of the earth.

And I thought that was it... Hahaha It wasn't. I missed my period for the whole month of January. I didn't even think anything of it. Then I finally took a test. And LOW AND BEHOLD it was positive. My whole life took a fucking turn in one second and I was literally losing my mind. So yeah. Fast forward to now. I'm 16 weeks. Working through my severe depression and anxiety. I had had plans to really work on myself but now that I'm pregnant you can't really take many medications during this time. And that's very hard as I have trouble functioning normally day today... I was looking for a job for months and when I finally found one Covid-19 showed its ugly head and I lost that job. And now I'm here. Not sure of how I'm going to provide for this baby. But the father and I have much a better relationship then we've ever had. We are not back together tho. There's still struggles and obstacles but at this point it's just part of my life. So that's it more or less. That's where I'm at now. I'm very grateful that even tho my family isn't together we all still show up for each other. And even tho I sometimes still get stuck between my dad and moms problems they're still alive and well. And now I have a baby. Which was my ultimate dream. I guess I just want to know that I can provide a really good life for it. As these are not the circumstances I had wished for myself. And that it's childhood is better than my childhood or even my ex's. He struggled too... I'm scared right now because I can't work and I'm constantly battling these demons. But at the same time I know somehow it'll all work out... Eventually... You know what I hope for myself tho? That I find a love that's golden. Not red.

[living-after-death-blog1]

The Day My Daughter Died.. (An introduction to the end and the beginning)

I received a phone call from my daughter's best friend, Alli, at about 2:30pm on that day. She told me that she had just left work and was on her way to my daughter's house, after receiving a frantic phone call from my daughter's roommate, Kenneth, who said that he had come home and found her unconscious, with a needle in her hand. He had called an ambulance, he had attempted CPR, and was now waiting outside of the house while the emergency personnel did their thing inside.

I think it was already pretty well established that my daughter was gone, and I think that this was probably communicated to me, but my brain literally wouldn't grasp it. I wasn't devastated; I was terrified. I spent the entire conversation (which was probably at least 20 minutes long) thinking that we didn't know anything yet, feeling like I was frozen, like everything around me was happening in slow motion, and that I was just holding my breath until the moment when Alli could finally get to the house and someone could tell us what was going on. I thought we were waiting to hear that she'd been trànsported or something. It honestly hadn't occurred to me until just now that simply knowing that Kenneth had attempted CPR should have been enough information to answer to the only question that was looping through my mind, over and over, until Alli arrived. "Is she breathing?"

I was 4 hours away, in another city.

Once Alli arrived, there were people everywhere; policemen, emergency responders, tons of neighborhood spectators, and Kenneth, the roommate. I was still on the phone, waiting, while he and Alli had a brief conversation, which I couldn't really hear and I finally interrupted to ask what I thought we'd been waiting to find out this whole time.. "But.. is she still breathing?"

At that point, I heard Alli take a deep breath and, very slowly, and with such pain, she said the words that made it real.

"No, Stephanie. She's gone."

I remember taking a deep breath and saying, "Okay."

It almost felt like, "Well.. Here we are. This is actually happening. You know, that thing that happens to other people, but not your child, not you? It's happening. Right now."

Another deep breath, and once again, " Okay.. "

I remember thinking that I needed to hold it together somehow, because I was going to have to handle and figure out a lot of things, and I really, really needed to be able to think. I just had to think. Figure this all out somehow, as if it were a problem that could be solved.

I did what I've always done when I need to call upon an extreme coping skill. I stopped feeling, and I started thinking. Intellectualizing, my therapist, Becca, the one from my daughter's first treatment center, used to call it.

I called upon that skill in that moment. Think. Think about what other people are going through, feeling, experiencing. Think about how everyone else feels, so you don't have to look at what this really is. Don't even get close to it.

That is the moment that I apologized to Alli for having to be the one to make such a horrible phone call, telling someone's mother that they are dead, and thanked her for being that person, at the same time. I thanked her for being a good friend. I told her I loved her. Said I'd be available for the police or whoever needs to speak to next of kin, and told her to give them my number.

I called my boyfriend first, in a panic; I had to get home, I had to get to Houston, and I had to get there NOW. I couldn't drive, and all I could think was how I needed to get there, I had to get there, and I needed to get there NOW. No answer.

I called my ex-husband (not the father of my daughter, but of two sons, ages 15 and 18, at the time) and, not realizing that the boys were in the car with him or that he had answered on speaker, I started screaming that my daughter was dead, she was dead, and I didn't know what to do. Of course, after finding out that the boys had overhead, I called both of them to apologize that they had had to hear me like that, to hear the news that way.

I don't remember very much of the next few weeks. The things I do remember are choppy, like random scenes from a movie, but I remember those things vividly.

I realized that I had to tell people. Who? Who is the first person you call to announce your daughter's death?

I called my mom first, I think, and I listened to her sob and repeat, "Noooo..." over and over.

I called my daughter's other grandmother, on her father's side, and I listened as she cried and kept saying, "Oh my god.."

I called my daughter's ex-boyfriend, Javi, the father of my granddaughter, who was 8 at the time, and he couldn't believe it, couldn't accept it, either; jumped in his car to go over there. I guess he needed to see it with his own eyes.

I spoke to another of my daughter's best friends, Jessica (she happened to text me, so I thought she already knew, and when I realized that she didn't, I told her to call me. She asked me, "How bad is it?" I said, "Bad."), and then she, too, immediately drove over to the house to meet up with Alli, Kenneth, and Javi.

I couldn't listen to any more breaking hearts at the moment, so as fucked up as it seems now, I just started texting people.

I texted my friend, Sarah, who, along with her entire family, have been like family to us. I don't even know how I said it. I think I said, "I'm so sorry to tell you like this, but they found her this morning, unconscious, with a needle, and she didn't make it. " Sarah immediately called me, and started screaming, " What? What? " as if she couldn't hear me. Her mind, too, couldn't seem to allow this to be real.

I spoke to my friends, Theresa and Joie, sisters, and they immediately offered all kinds of practical help that hadn't even occurred to me, such as setting up a GoFundMe account to pay for funeral expenses. I had been laid off from my job of over ten years several months prior, and so all of the life insurance policies and everything I'd been so used to just having were no longer available, and I had nothing.

Joie also posted on Facebook on my behalf. It was the only way I could think of to let everyone know, especially my daughter's friends, and it was because of all of these people, and so many more, that I have managed to get through this last year.

I don't know what I did to deserve such wonderful people in my life, but I am surrounded by them. The GoFundMe account reached over $5000 within a couple of days.

My daughter's best friend from middle school is a hair and makeup artist, and she flew in from Colorado to make sure that she was the one who did the makeup for the viewing. That was always their thing, and even though my daughter's addiction had driven them apart over the years, Vikki had to do this one last thing for her friend, and I was happy to have her do it.

Sarah's ex-boyfriend, who knew my daughter as a child, took care of all of the flowers and arrangements.

Sarah's mom has a friend who was able to make a dress for my daughter to wear during the viewing; an Alice in Wonderland dress, because that was always her thing.

Sarah and her mom had already found the cheapest most decent funeral home that they knew of (her mom had used the place for her own mother's service), so I literally spent the next few days just having to answer yes and no questions.

It turned out that since my daughter never divorced the father of her second child (my grandson, Isaac, who was almost 7 at the time), even though they'd been separated and out of contact for a few years (she was engaged to someone else for at least a year), he was her next of kin, not me, and this brought forth a whole host of issues. He doesn't raise their son, his mother does, because he is either 1) insane, 2) brain damaged from drug use, 3) currently using drugs, or 4) a combination of all of the above. These things made the entire process very difficult for me.

They tried to dictate who could be invited to the funeral, which I wasn't on board with. They threatened me by saying that they would have her body transferred to the funeral home of their choosing and they would let me know when and where to show up. They said I could not have any locks of her hair. They said they would not split up her ashes. They even dictated to me that she be cremated, because they somehow knew (having only known her for a few years, and not knowing her at all, really, for the few years prior to her death) that she wanted to be cremated and that she wanted her ashes spread over the ocean.

I won't ever be able to understand why someone would treat the mother of a dead child the way that they treated me, but I've just added them to the list of people I'll have to figure out how to forgive somehow, eventually.

Everyone showed up for us, and I was so grateful for the presence of every single one of them. People I hadn't seen or spoken to in years, such as my ex-husband's ex-boss's ex-wife, lol.

I placed a son for adoption when I was 19, and though I had met him in person once, he and my other kids had not met. He and my daughter had been talking a lot on social media, and he had planned to come visit and meet everyone in May, after he graduated college, but ended up coming in April for her funeral, instead. He never even got to hear her voice.

There is so much I want to use this blog for. I want to document my own journey through this grief. I want to talk about addiction and help destigmatize the way people view addicts. I want to offer resources and maybe even hope. And I want to remember my daughter.

Her name was Jade. She was 26 years old when she died. She was one of the funniest, coolest, most creative, beautiful people you could have ever known. Yes, the addiction was a part of her journey, her struggle, but she was more than that. And I intend to honor ALL of who she was, by speaking the truth.

The truth is that she died from the toxic effects of an accidental overdose of heroin and methamphetamine. But that's just one part of her story, and mine, and I need to tell them both, even if no one ever reads a single word I type. I need to tell these stories.

Since I started with her death, here is a photo recap of what there is to know so far:

#grief #overdose #addiction #loss #bereavement #grieving

[cathcacen]

An Accurate Summary Of How And Why My Relationship With A So-Called Jonsa Man Ended

Ex boyfriend, 12th March 2021: Grandma passed away. It hurts so much ;——;

Ex boyfriend, 13th March 2021: You know, most girlfriends would like, go see their boyfriend if he lost a loved one. Mine won't even call. Says a lot about the state of your feelings for me I think.

Ex boyfriend, 13th March 2021: Yeah. Most girlfriends would go to their boyfriend, or reach out and be as close as possible

Ex boyfriend, 13th March 2021: Look, I just lost a very important person in my life and wanted to feel close to you. I understand that isn't really possible right now, and it sucks; I feel like I am losing another important person. I don't want to try and make you feel coerced into a call out of pity or sympathy, or make you feel trapped and stifled yet alone and miserable.

Ex boyfriend, 13th March 2021: Lol you're somehow the worst possible person to talk to right now. My grandmother just died and I'm trying to look to you for comfort and all you seem to care about is vindication.

Ex boyfriend, 13th March 2021: I've smoked so much weed last night and this morning. But I can't make the hurt stop. All I feel right now is pain and loneliness.

Ex boyfriend, 13th March 2021: You’re a liar. And broke your promise to me. And never wanted to make it right. You wanted to just say sorry and expect it to make everything better. Then wait for my grandma to literally die to break up with me over text. Because you’re so emotionally fucking mature. And when my grandma died where were you when I needed you? WHERE? Sitting at your computer trash-talking me? Did you ever imagine you would end up the type of heartless girlfriend to intentionally make her boyfriend suffer for selfish vindication?

Ex boyfriend's sister, 27th April 2021:

Why yes, thank you. I'll take my selfish vindication with a side of fuck you. :)

[bakugou-ou]

Ik I'm anon and all, but I don't wanna get off it because the embarrassment would probably make it worse. I'm just tired of life… mines is pretty useless if you ask me, and according to everyone else who if ever met, I'm ugly too, I wouldn't kill myself because I'm too much of a coward to do that, but I don't know what I wanna do with my life and I can never be happy without someone ruining it That's why you and other creators' story helps me, it makes me think about my dram life I'll never get

Listen, friendo, whoever you are, you’re not ugly, and not useless. You don’t need to come off anon if you don’t want to, I get it. This is gonna get v personal here in a sec, so I’m putting the rest of this down under a cut in case no one gives a shit about my personal life and doesn’t wanna see my tragic anime backstory, but I’m sharing it with you because you said that you like my writing. This is the story of how I ended up running this blog, it’s got lots of talk about suicide, mentions of rape. It’s not pretty, so read at your own risk. Also, it’s long.

When I was four years old, I tried to jump off the balcony of my apartment, I wanted to die. It wasn’t a kid doing a stupid thing, I literally thought if I fall from this height and hit my head on the ground, I will die and then went for it. I fell onto a 7ft tall cinder block mailbox on the way down, four feet below my balcony, crawled off of it, and walked back upstairs to my parents like nothing had happened. 

What was wrong that someone barely past toddlerhood wanted to kill themselves over? I don’t know, maybe it was just that my parents were fighting all the time and hated each other, maybe it was because I have the genes for it. More on that last bit later.

When I was six, I tried to throw myself in front of a car, thinking that if a small child like myself got hit by a car going 25+ mph, I’d die. The driver hit the brakes, I played it off like I’d tripped into the road, no one knew how I really felt. When I’d told my parents I wanted to die, they thought I was being dramatic, they didn’t think a kid my age even knew what that meant, the finality of it. But I knew, and I craved it.

When I was eight, I tried to hang myself in my older sister’s bedroom with her sheets. She found me, took me down before I blacked out, and we never spoke about it again after that night. I was pissed with my sister for saving me, I cried and punched her as she held onto me.

When I was twelve, I tried to eat a bottle of Xanax, thinking it would kill me. It didn’t, it just made me really, really fucking sick. Not sick enough to go to the hospital, but very sick. I had no lasting organ damage, but I still wanted to die.

When I was fourteen, my boyfriend dumped me over the phone on a day he was supposed to come to my house, and ignored me while I cried. He had me on speaker phone, actually, and his friends were laughing about it and I could hear them. I could hear him laughing along with them. So, I decided to eat a bottle of asprin for dinner a couple of weeks later. I was stupid, it didn’t work, and I was hospitalized in the mental ward for 2 weeks.

When I was seventeen, I had just left an abusive relationship, graduated high school, and my mom told me that my ex raping me repeatedly for 9 months was my fault and that I was asking for it by continuing to date him the whole time. I was too scared to leave, I had been told by a counselor at school that no one would believe me. I tried to eat all of my antidepressants. I was hospitalized for 3 weeks in the mental ward.

When I was eighteen, I tried to do that same thing again, in conjunction to another thing my mom said about my abuser. My cousin had been raped while studying abroad, and she was talking about poor cousin, your poor cousin, it’s so traumatic, but when I mentioned that I’d been abused for three quarters of a year and no one batted an eye, she told me I was being selfish, and that my time for being the victim was over. How dare I detract from my cousin. So, again, I tried to eat a bottle of pills. I was hospitalized for one week in the psych ward.

Earlier this year, at the age of twenty, I was hospitalized because I felt like I was going to slit my wrists if I stayed home. So I checked myself into the hospital. I was there for a week while my doctor tried to find better meds for me because clearly mine weren’t working. My mom had told me that she was ashamed of my sexuality and my gender identity, and the rape issue came up again, with her saying I wanted it, that I let it happen.

I have bipolar II, borderline personality disorder, OCD, PTSD, generalized anxiety disorder, and selective eating disorder. A lot is messed up with me. I get the anxiety from my mother, and the bipolar II from my father. The PTSD was a gift from my ex boyfriend, and the rest I just ended up with.

When I was a little kid, I loved books; my father read all sorts of books to me, all the time. Artemis Fowl was the first series we read, then Harry Potter, then my mother read me the Chronicles of Narnia, then my father read me A Series of Unfortunate Events. We also read other books, things that weren’t series. I loved reading, and I wanted to write things that made people feel the way I felt about the stuff I read. 

Both of my parents are naturally talented writers. At the age of six, I began to write fan fiction for Harry Potter. I was way too young to be on the internet, but I was online writing fanfics on snitchseeker. Some of the only validation I found in my life was from random strangers on the internet, encouraging me to continue writing and complimenting my plot lines, even if my grammar and spelling were atrocious; on the internet, no one knows you’re a little kid writing Drarry fanfic.

I was a really athletic kid, so I didn’t spend all my time writing, but a good chunk of my free time was spent writing if I wasn’t surfing, playing soccer, or skateboarding. I didn’t have a lot of friends, I wasn’t likable, apparently, and I had a really hard time in school. I got into a lot of fights because people picked on me, but I was always the one who got in trouble for defending myself. It pissed me off. I developed issues with authority. I wrote in composition books to escape all the crap around me.

By the time I turned 11, writing was my life. I had just moved to California from Hawaii, my life was basically turned upside down, and I was miserable. So, I made a myspace account, wrote fanfic on there, and threw myself headlong into it. I have a fanfiction.net account I’ve long since forgotten my username and password for, but it’s out there with dramione fanfic, sasusaku, things that I liked at the time. I need to escape everything happening around me. My dad, my best friend, wasn’t anywhere near me, my mom was a bitch, and my demented grandmother moved in with us. It was miserable.

By the time I was 15, the only hobby I had outside of practicing for orchestra, was writing. I laid in bed on days off and just sat on my laptop, writing. I stopped publishing things after I got a mean comment once, my first one ever. It bruised the ego I didn’t even have so badly that I refused to publish anything for three years.

When I was 18, I published my first fanfic in 4 years. It was a Criminal Minds fanfic, featuring an OC and Spencer Reid. I was so fucking proud of it, and while lots of people loved it, a lot of people said mean shit. So, I posted Loki fanfic, which got infinitely more love, and then I did an alternate version of my Criminal Minds fic, that one got even more hate than the original. Then I published a Wallander fanfic. I haven’t touched them in 3 years, despite people asking me for more.

Up until this time last month, I never showed my writing to anyone. I kept everything to myself, hidden, I was ashamed of it. It is my only coping mechanism, but I couldn’t share it with anyone. My parents had my computer passwords up until I was about 16, sometimes they’d look through my text files and come to me later and tell me how amazing my writing was, and encourage me to publish it. But I never believed them.

On a whim, I started this blog; I love Boku no Hero Academia, it has given me something to look forward to every week. I live Chapter to Chapter, episode to episode, I track my time with it, it’s a coping mechanism. I saw that there was a decently active fandom on here, and I wanted to be a part of it. I hesitated on making the blog for a few weeks, thinking that no one would want to read my writing.

A month later, there are nearly 600 people here, constantly asking me to write scenarios and headcanons for them, telling me they love my writing, and think I’m a nice person, and that they’re glad I’m here. Every time I get a message like that, I cry. I never thought anyone would ever care about my writing, let alone write it. When I got a single follower that wasn’t a friend I know in real life, I cried. I was so excited. When I got my first request, I was so, so excited. When people began sending more stuff in, when people started talking to me and wanting to be friends, I cried. I’ve made a dozen friends on here as a direct result of their writing, and my writing.

I love running this blog, and I love writing for everyone. I have felt useless and like a waste of space my entire life, I’ve been told that my entire life, I’m made to feel like that every day of my life even now by the people around me, save for my friends, but when I log on here, I’m reminded that hey, maybe I’m not useless. If I manage to make even one person happy with what I do, that’s all I want.

So, you saying that my writing helps you, helps me. All I’ve ever wanted in life is to make other people happy, to please them, and my writing is apparently doing that. I’m really, really lucky to be in this position.

Even if you don’t have something like this, you’re not useless. You should be here. I know you said you’d never kill yourself because you’re too cowardly, but I’ve never seen suicide as cowardly, but that’s probably because I’ve tried to do it so many times. I’ve made a total of 8 attempts in 21 years. I don’t think I’ll be trying it again, though. It’s taken me 21 years to find something that I’m kind of maybe a little good at, that makes me even a tiny bit happy, and that does some good for other people, too.

Shit sucks, life is really awful, and I completely understand the plethora of reasons any given person would feel like wanting to die. I’ve never thought it unreasonable or dramatic to feel that way, it’s just how some people feel. I didn’t know what I wanted to do with my life until 3 years ago, and even now I’m unsure if it’s really what I want to do with my life. I’ve got a lot going on behind the scenes that makes me feel like shite, and a lot of the time, the people around me try to ruin what little I have that I enjoy and that makes me happy…

Even with all that happening, somehow, I’m still here, and I’m writing this. I don’t know what’s going on with you, but I get your feelings, I hear you, they’re valid, and I love you, stranger. Because I feel the same way as you all the time. This blog is my escape from that. It’s really the only thing I have keeping me from my intrusive thoughts.

If you never come off anon, that’s fine, but if you need to talk about things, I’m here for you, or anyone else who needs it. Really, if I can even try to help, I’ll do my damnedest to help. I hate seeing other people feeling as junk as I do on a daily basis, I want to try and make it better. If being a friend, even if I don’t know who you are, helps, I want to help. If writing things helps, I want to do it. But, for me, it’s not just helping other people, it’s helping myself. You coming into the box helped me. So, you’re not useless. You’re keeping me here, too.