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[sweetanxiousangel]

Emo Thoughts

I was putting in a grocery order and suddenly flashed back to when the divorce happened. Mom had to apply for EBT, so to save us money and make the most of it, I learned how to cook.

I also just had a mini vulnerable moment where I thought to myself

"Am I really gonna dedicate my whole life to taking care of others?"

I have taken care of the kids my whole life, now its my great grandma, now I'm looking at jobs to help kids/ families... eventually I want to get married and have kids...When do I make time to do for myself?

Today, at the gym, a couple of old guys hovered me at the cable pulldown. I was on my last set anyways but I can't get over how he tapped me ( I hate being touched) then asked me to move to a whole other machine. I simply did my last rep and told him I was done. I was thinking about how I should've made him wait. I hate how he talked to me like a child. I hate how I'm so naturally submissive.

I was thinking about how I was literally beaten down, manipulated, and reassured that I was nothing my whole life simply so that I'd be willing to do whatever for my family's approval. I feel like I was raised to be a slave to my family. I was not taught to self-sufficient, confident, or independent. I feel so weak sometimes.

I have my moments of confidence where I reflect on how much I've done and how good of a person I am... but I also question myself. Like, am I actually the piece of shit my grandfather accuses me of? Am I a burden?

Okay, I wanna end this positively: I am from a fucked up family. They are not in touch with reality. I am. Yes, my self-esteem is low but I am apart of the real world.

They are intimidated by me because I am very smart. That's why they stopped liking me forever ago. I am a good person. My record proves it. While I am extremely selfless, I'm putting in the effort to learn how to become more selfish.

For example, I asked my boyfriend to take me to pickup a grocery order after the gym tomorrow... Instead of driving myself in the morning hehe.

I'm gonna sip some 'nana cream moonshine and watch my shows now. Because I wanna.

[sweetanxiousangel]

So much to do... (November 2023)

So to help keep me better organized and confident, I will make a to-do list:

To-Do:

ASAP:

Call for settlement check

Call Estate Planning Lawyer

Call for new glasses

Fingerprint clearing card

Apply for paraprofessional job

Apply for Family Resource job

Goals:

reach 40lb weight loss

gain experience working with kids to ultimately work as a forensic interviewer

Important Reminders:

I am important, qualified, and capable of reaching my goals and more.

I am bilingual, patient, compassionate, and smart. My education and hardwork surpass the requirements of the job listings that intimidate me.

I am not a loser. I do have a job. I am a caretaker for my great-grandma. And I have been for 4 years!! This has been an oppurtinity for me to aquire many, many important skills

I'm feeling that I am finally getting closer to my independence.

[sweetanxiousangel]

11/20/2023

I had a pretty emotional day yesterday for some reason. I guess I was reflecting on my current relationship, family, and personal "failures".

I say "failures" because I constantly feel like I never do enough... yet I do everything lol

Thankfully, I'm shaking it off. I'm excited to move forward with my life

I found out about the job listings tab for my local elementary school district. I'm excited to start my career. It's nice to have a game plan again.

I've been graduated for 6 months and felt ashamed of it. Why? I didn't have a car... I didn't have support from family...and I'm the only support my family has. Funny how that works. I finally got it through my stubborn mind that just because I don't have money does not mean that I am a loser. I don't have bills (thank god) and I am fulfilling my role as a caretaker everyday. I feel pressure because I have to do everything for my great-grandma yet she expects me to work and pay for all the bills. That don't add up.

Now it's time to focus on myself and my career.

[sweetanxiousangel]

11/16/2023

I almost fell for my own head games. A part of me feels like I don't want to be productive by blaming others and my anxiety.

My anxiety is paralyzing but why do I let feelings stop me in my tracks?

I took a deep breath and started editing my LinkedIn. Now I'm about to make a few phone calls (ew). That's better than zoning out in my room and scrolling tiktok all day.

Appointments. Appointments. Appointments.

I am 23 years old with a degree. I have to use it. I have to make something of myself. I can't stay trapped in this house much longer. I feel like that is why I feel so scared of the world. I've been stuck here for years. Throughout a pandemic and university. Ugh.

I finally have the freedom to do whatever... and I'm choosing to stay inside and hide from the world I've always wanted to be a part of.

I'm sitting here, anxious, thinking about how if I go to the gym, I'll have to go to Walmart and grocery shop.... and I'm stuck on what time I'll have to leave by so I don't hit traffic and so that I don't have to use my headlights?

Girl. I live in a small city where my gym and walmart are directly across the street from each other... getting to the mainstreet is only 10 minutes. I'm gonna laugh at myself if I don't do it.

Let's see if I do it all today or say "I'll do it tomorrow" like usual 🤷‍♀️

[sweetanxiousangel]

I have a big mouth 🙈

Okay I really should go to sleep or whatever but I have a big mouth and I really want to talk about everything that is on my mind

I'm usually quiet and kept to myself, so I'm not used to an outlet.

I'm really excited to tell you my deepest, darkest secrets.

But for now, I'm gonna play the fuck out of some Minecraft.

[sweetanxiousangel]

Themes

Have you ever noticed that every day has a theme? Or maybe every week?

Maybe it's just me over thinking... or maybe astrology has something to do with it... But I have noticed that there are patterns of events, thoughts, and observations that lead up to a daily or weekly theme. Sometimes it clicks randomly and I'm like "oh shit... Today's theme is___." It's kinda fun. I feel like themes add more meaning to my life.

Today's theme (11/15/2023) is "What is 'good enough'?"

I graduated university in May, finally got my license, then quickly after got into a car accident that forced me to go a few months without a vehicle. I stayed home to fulfill my end of a deal between my great-grandmother, which was: I get to live for free as long as I take care of her. In other words, I'm at Walmart every other day. I am very grateful for the deal, but it's hard being alone without much support. I had to raise myself, a bunch of kids, and my mom. I have a mother who is physically present but genuinely absent. She has always forced me to handle things completely alone. I managed to get a degree and my license with some help from my long time boyfriend but it was still a lonely journey. Well, anyways....

Now to the theme.

My mom has the tendency...uh... to not be honest to get her way? She has always loved to attack my insecurities in ways that she feels are subtle. The biggest, most recent example of this was telling me about a conversation between her and my great-grandmother. She insists that my great-grandmama said that "She is sick and tired of waiting for us to get our shit together." I don't understand. My mom has refused to work for years so she can recieve more child support from her ex and more benefits from the government. She doesn't contribute financially or even emotionally. She forces me to figure it out for my great-grandma, sisters, and myself. Yet I'm being told that I'm not doing enough. I'm not working because I was without a car and I live far from everything. My mom was always weird about me using her car... and defintely didn't want to help me get to interviews or appointments. Why am I being seen and treated like a loser because I'm not making money? Why are family members who do not talk to me call me names despite me dedicating my time and effort to ensuring that their mother/grandmother/aunt is healthy and safe?

It's funny. Honestly. I feel guilty for not doing more. Especially those months I literally could not do more. I had to rely on my boyfriend who has recently gone back to school. I felt guilty asking for help because my family really isn't his problem.

My theory regarding that conversation between my mom and great-grandmama is that there is some truth. My great-grandma wants to see me work before she feels comfortable giving me my inheritance (the home we live in). I feel that my mom is adding pressure on me to "handle" the situation, so she feels safe living here. As in... as long as I'm the owner, she will always have a home.

For a woman who is aware that she has failed me constantly... she sure has a lot of nerve to feel this entitled.

I've tried my best my whole life. I was only ever met with "Good. That's what the fuck you should be doin'." :| It's like I was trained to go above and beyond and never stop. I'm so drained.

I'm 23. I'm a woman now. Why can't I recognize my worth and give myself some credit?

What is good enough? Why am I so unhappy despite doing so much with so little?

So... What's my next step? I got a little excited thinking about my blog that it has already motivated me to take headshots to update my LinkdIn and resume. I can't wait to start my career. I just want to be secure finally. Secure in all aspects of my life.

[sweetanxiousangel]

Introduction

I've always wanted to start a diary, but I have always felt too shy... despite it being as private as I'd allow. Maybe I think it's too corny. I never thought that I was interesting or charming enough to blog, but here I am. Good for me for trying new things.

I have a lot on my mind that I always feel like I'm going crazy. I'm overflowing with anxious energy that it makes me shake like a chihuahua. I guess my goal here is to let myself vent and organize my thoughts so I can manage my life a bit better.

Thank you for tuning in.