#now I'm sleepy and stressed
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... why he sit like this
#in this position his face is extremely 'cartoon cat' shaped.. like the perfectly round cheeks and little#rounded bump of a snout.. big round eyes. etc. stretched over the arm of a chair like a weirdo#cats#It's still Hot Evil Summer time and I have so much to do so am just aimlessly hopping between various projects but not actually#getting anything done. as usual. Also so so so so tired. I almost fell asleep in the middle of the floor like 3 times today lol#Trying to finish some costume photos and also another poll adventure thing. plus I do really want to do a sculpture sometime#I haven't finished one in a while. Hopefully my tiredness is nothing bad.#Maybe I'm anemic again so that's making me tired. Or maybe it's just a Listless phase. not that I'm ever really THAT productive considering#all of the health problems and etc. always holding me back. but still. I'm not usually 'sleep or just stare at a wall literally all day' ty#e unproductive.. at least not for multiple days in a row so. hmm... Sometimes especially in the summer though I will have periods of time#that are listless like that. I am under low level phyiscal stress for months at a time due to summer heat so I guess it makes sense#that would eventually take a toll. I just have SO MANY THINGS I WANT TO DO!!!!! AAUUGhhh#I also came up with a new idea for a game that is so so cool and I wish I could make it but I have to finish the other one first lol#which I will NEVER do. if I spend all day just sleepy unfocused barely able to do anything#I also really need to sell some clothes and sculptures because I'll probably have to buy a new computer soon so I need money. (plus still#recovering the costs of having to euthanize my other cat.. wehh) There's nothing clearly wrong with it right now but it's getting gradually#slower and there's more weird glitches happening randomly and idk.. just weird things that make me think 'hmm... bad.. possibly.'#ANYWAY... I just have so much to do that I both REALLY want or need to do - so it's perpetually frustrating that I just can't for whatever#reason like. Time is always mving forward. every day I waste is a wasted day. The year is already almost half over. I havent finished#any of the projects I wanted to .. and there's only more and more things to do each day. It's overwhelming and stinky#and thats not even considering having to do all of my tasks also with the background noise of economic inequality. everything increasingly#going into an even scarier political direction. active climate change crisis. pandemic that still exists and is insane to act otherwise. et#etc. HOW am I supposed to solo make two whole games . write 3 book series. finish sculptures. do costumes. make outfits. game videos. make#stable network of social connections. do my little side crafts. take care of myself and cats. pay rent. manage health issues. keep a routin#.try to make some sort of money. go to doctors appointments. handle regular maintenance like cleaning and cooking and self care#and buying new plates when old ones break or etc. make sure to do other things like backup my computer data regularly. do shopping lists.#take care of plants. pursue like 6 different academic interests. do the other side side projects I have for fun (like music or carving avoc#ado pits). eat in a healthy way thats okay for my Special Health Issue diet. exercise so i don't die early. etc. etc. etc. AND all while it#82F in my apartment all the time and I have tiny income and also need to move to another country/climate somehow??? lol......#ANYWAY.. ..very frustrated today over my chronic Tired Sleepy.. time for Cat Photos - which cure all of life's ailments lol
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rant in tags about perscription medication and withdrawals
continued here bc i reached tag limit and i'm still??
it's kinda scary tbh
like i was scared for years now of what would happen off my meds and
when i tried tapering off my antidepressants oof i was breaking down every day and now i /know/ i'm dependant on them and idk if that's better or worse
and with the antipsychotics it's like i thought they were helping my depression too bc when tapering off i was also so panicked and depressed (tho my situation is kinda stressful rn)
but idk i've been trying meds on and off for half my life now and most of the time i'm like 🤷
but the truth is
it's fucking scary how it messes with your body
it's fucking scary when you're dependant on a pill
OR ALSO
when pills fuck your body up to the point you can only eat one thing
bc that's the reason i'm going off the antipsychotics and guess what, i'm able to eat more again now
idk if it's just in combination with the hormon pill tbh i'm just going off both now and we'll see how my iron levels and migrains deal lmao
i feel like i can't think straight anymore
gonna have to get new docs anyway so we'll see what they say if(/when) i go anemic again or if going off the antipsychotics will actually fix the issue??
if so, then it'll be like how did this sneak up on me, i've been taking them for 2.5 years like
??
and now i've lost 20lbs despite trying everything to maintain or gain some the past year and a half and i'm at my lowest weight since i was like a preteen lol
and that's all bc of a med that didn't feel like it had an acute effect
or maybe i'm so removed from my body i didn't notice until i got the acute gastritis ??
i mean i can't even be sure its the meds or not until i'm off
and tapering the rest off is gonna be so fun fuck
i dont wanna
i wanna be able to eat more than bread i guess but at this point the thought just scares me and like i associate it with pain and nausea
which as long as i can manage it is fine
but i've only tapered off half, i still have to taper off the other half of the dosage 😭
and with the hormon pill gone again the worst menstrual pain will be back and idk how to manage that, i guess hopefully with the meds gone i won't go anemic again but who knows at this point??
also praying my migraines don't come back but uh... i am pessimistic. i don't have much hope
anyway
moral of the story.....
ALWAYS MAKE SURE TO TAPER OFF YOUR MEDS KIDS BC EVEN JUST TAPERING IS SCARY AND GOING COLD CHICKEN IS PROBABLY HELL
doctors can be annoying (and make things harder, like in my case bc i literally asked if it could be my current meds MONTHS ago, and everyone was like noooooo but guess who was RIGHT) sometimes BUUUUT you should listen to them avout certain things
like
tapering off meds
#it's insane how strong meds can affect you#everyone was telling me “oh that's a strong one” and giving me concerned looks#and i was just like *shrugs*#bc i didn't notice a daily change whatsoever#beside the fact that i slept a bit better#less dreams#and like sleeping more than 5h on average#and well no debilitating migraines where i can't move#but like#no side effects#no making me feel numb or drowsy or anything#but tapering off of them???#the withdrawals???#OH MY FUCKING GOD#i feel like o'm crazy#and it stopped so abruptly#i'm like??? is it- was i sick? was it smth else?#it is the stress maybe#but no exacctly at the same time i now am back to not sleeping and the dreams are back#like those withdrawals#jfc#i felt basically bed ridden for a week#it's a wonder i only cried myself to sleep 1 singular time#tho that's probably the added stress#but like fucking hell#i was so sleepy and weak and couldn't even use my phone it was too much???#and suddenly like clock struck 12 yesterday and i've been alert evver since#my sleeping pattern from before the meds is back#i'm still weak bc i can't eat like normal but i am eating a bit more#ignore me
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whoahghmm..... home and im so tuckered out
#today was a little stressful only because i still had to learn the university's layout because its really huge#and then i got on the bus really late because it didn't show up but at least i wasnt late (i was but my teacher didn't mind)#but the last subject was so stressful because i had to walk to the other side of the uni to get there and I didn't know that place well#i was 30 minutes late but teacher wasn't bothered and even if i missed a bit of the lesson- this was covered in my senior high so... im safe#travelling took awhile because nic and i took a detour to the mall and cool off there#then i got out of the bus sleepy and wobbling back and forth til home wuwuggwuu#lessons were ok tho :] ate lunch with my friend#i will nap now and play some gameplay or stageplay to fall asleep to#so glad i'm off tomorrow#im hungry but I can't muster the strength to get up and eat dude😩😩😩😩#irl banter
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local literature major horrified to find out that he has to read for homework
#i'm fine i'm just. hm. i have a certain undercurrent of stress rn that is making me a little insane#if i do some work on my breaks between classes tomorrow/during class while i'm not paying attention i'll be fine i'm sure haha#for now. AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH#too sleepy to read... going to cry for real...#valentine notes#academia
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Play Report: Ocean Tides
I've played two sessions of this delightful firebrands hack now and I'm absolutely obsessed, I think every game should have a truth or dare minigame. And the whole vibe is just *chef's kiss*. Since I can't stop thinking about our blorbos, I have decided to write up a play report.
Setup:
The sea is deep, ancient, and unpredictable. The climate is tropical. Humans live on an archipelago with only a few large "mainland" islands, but countless small ones spread in between. Magic is mostly limited to that which allows mermaids and humans to pass between land and sea, but some dabble in stronger, more dangerous forces. And who knows what power may be found in the depths?
Pirates are lawless brigands who seek notoriety and fortune. The pirate code is: them that find the treasure, get the treasure; don't wake a sailor sleeping on land; and, perhaps most importantly, the rules are more of guidelines.
Naval Officers serve the Empire Republic of Many Isles, and fly flags in shades of red (it has more positive associations after all). Deeply religious. Their own code demands that the first cut go to the shore, the second to the ship, and the third to the Sea Mistress.
Merfolk are nudibranch people, with bright colors and varied forms. Most villages are in shallow waters such as atolls. When merfolk walk on land, they are usually obvious, sporting legs but retaining their colors and some of their form in fins, tentacles, or even a reduced tail.
Our cast:
B'har (it/its) a mercurial and ethereal mermaid with very pale orange and white striped markings, tentacles on its face, frills around its neck, and a long tail with many scars. New to humans and rather fascinated by them.
John Finch (he/him) the pirate. Legally distinct from Jack Sparrow, probably, maybe. Captain of the Silver Oyster, he always expects his reputation will have preceded him (it usually hasn't).
Captain Monk Ghanan Sreal (they/them) the "humble" and naive naval officer. Captains a great ship cathedral. Received orders to find a religious relic (the spear of the mother) but has abandoned the mission. Instead seeks the teeth of the abyss-walker, the devilish figure of their religion supposedly vanquished many years ago.
Session one under the cut!
As suggested, we started with Monologues. They definitely helped us find our starting point, but I have chosen to integrate the relevant info with character bios or other story beats as needed. In play, we each chose one mini game, and slowly built up some promising plot threads.
The Great Hunt:
Captain Monk Sreal heard rumors of a huge beast that damaged Sunspot Atoll, a mermaid village. They met B'har and learned of the creature's path, then tracked it into the deep, craggy canyons offshore. After a bit of cat and mouse, there was a fierce battle. Both Ghanan and the beast survived, but the scale of the beast and costs of hunting it were greater than Ghanan expected. In the following weeks, they increased frequency of deep sea excursions with the aid of a volatile potion that allows humans to stand the pressure. The mounting toll on their health is of little concern to Ghanan on their quest for the abyss-walker's teeth. Or the abyss-walker itself, as it now seems.
Truth or Dare:
Some time post-hunt, our three characters meet on a beach. They share some drinks around a fire and eventually begin the human game, truth or dare. Memories are a bit...hazy of this night. Surely there were some minor truths divulged? Perhaps some harmless dares? B'har thinks it showed off its tail scars at some point, but mostly remembers the end of the night. John wasted a dare on getting B'har to skinny dip; no matter, shedding the magic legs and plunging into the sea was a relief, and The Officer soon joined. The Officer, with their moon-touched skin webbed nearly all over with dark, intricate tattoos of great sea beasts. The Officer, floating comfortably in the water even without fins. Quickly, B'har turned and challenged John Finch-taste the lips of the one here you most desire, be they willing. John disrobed and plunged into the water himself, splashing over to the pair. And kissed B'har! Fascinating.
A Dance:
After a little time, Sunspot Atoll finished clean up efforts and held a party to celebrate. B'har invited both John and Ghanan. All attended dressed their best. Well, "dressed" in the case of B'har, merfolk aren't wild about clothing as such, but various pieces of jewelry adorned its body, including many shell chains and fine coral beads, and even one pendant clearly fashioned from an old human artifact. Ghanan wore an elaborate outfit covered in bells. John Finch was less fancy, but sported an excellent hat. He soon wandered off to the drinks and largely spent the night telling strangers his tales of adventure. Meanwhile, B'har and Ghanan danced together in the midst of a whirl of colorful merfolk. B'har gently corrected for Ghanan's missteps in the unfamiliar dances and (mostly) prevented excessive bell jingling at odd moments. The two flirted throughout, but stopped short of making any overt moves. At some point in the night, Ghanan gifted B'har with a bracelet.
That's where we called session one for time. And it's where I'm going to call this post for now! Stay tuned if you want to hear about our second session, hopefully coming soon to a reblog near you.
#indie ttrpg#ocean tides#ttrpg play report#I do want to write up session 2 while it's somewhat fresh! but it's long enough now and late enough and i'm getting sleepy#but spoiler: we get much messier immediately in session 2#accepting bets now on which human b'har sleeps with first ;)#if it's not obvious b'har is my character and i love playing it#can't wait to be a weird flirty sea creature again sometime#huge shoutout to my friend who looked at naval officer and went ''what this REALLY needs is some heresy''#and again huge praise for Ocean Tides itself#I cannot stress enough just how FUN it is to play out a game of truth or dare in character in a game
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I came, I tried to do a big reply, couldn't. now I sleep.
#[ 🕷️ ] —— out of character#[ I'm stress free rn so Ill be back to hang out on the dash in the day time. ]#[ right now I'm cold and sleepy ]#[ I might change my reply goals to a 1 reply-1 ask- order so I can get things out better for you all. ]
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falling asleep on the couch at 7pm on new years eve only to be constantly awoken by assholes doing fireworks already. happy new year 😑🙃
#still trying to stay up so I can watch my movie but lmao ngl I had my chicken tacos and I'm like. bed time ready now.#I've been exhausted ALL DAY dude SO sleepy. yesterday was#a lot#like. ngl. don't know if I wasn't on my meds how uhhhh that would've shaken out tbh. woulda been. really dark.#the shit going on with my house rn and just like all year has been a goddamn challenge#heater going on fence blowing down fridge dying like. it's just been so much#and being on my meds now and realizing like HOW tired the stress actually makes me#and how I was THAT stressed ALL the time and I was somehow surviving w/out meds like#no wonder I was bitchy and cranky and pissy all the time. I was *literally* suffering exhaustion#while not being able to sleep. at all. anyway. rambling now but 🤷♀️#I'm so tired bro idk if I'm makin it to midnight lmao first time in like 30 years I might zonk out early#erin explains it all
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earlyish sleep and setting an alarm... I will be a functioning human this week but today definitely was a Getting Other Things Done day and not an Art Day
#I'm feeling a little better in the brain department the last two days#just stress catching up with my body now... I am so sleepy
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making funny haha jokes to myself like "oh i'm doing so fine" *extreme side eye from the dishes in my sink*..... only to finally do my dishes tonight and discover all my tupperware have become their own microbiomes. fuck
#i am pretty sure i am riding that depression wave hard right now#i am just so stressed all the time#and i feel like i could fix some of that stress if i checked a few very specific things off my to do list#here's the thing tho. i am realizing i might need outside help to get those things done#and that is uncomfortable for two reasons#one being that means i will have to ask someone to help me do these things and be my external motivator#and put up with me being cranky the whole time because i will be deeply embarrassed about it and will end up taking it out on them#and then two being that. these things are for grad school. and if i can't even get the fucking applications done on my own#how the fuck do i think i'm going to be able to get through two years by myself??#also i am so sleepy and my sleep schedule has been fucked for like two weeks now and that's not helping#and i need to do things to my car and make several doctors appointments and work stuff and apartment stuff#and everything happening in the world and stuff happening with my friends and my family#and i just. how i am supposed to live with this much in my brain all the time#and i'm reading fanfic and comparing myself to the characters and coming up miserably short#and i hate the way i look all the time and i could do something intelligent like.#stop eating gummy worms and meat sticks for every meal and eat veggies and go to the gym and learn to love myself...#or i could decide my straight hair is the root of all my problems and get a perm#you know. like a normal person does#it's OK!! I'm Fine!!! aaaaaaaaaa
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.
#very sad i can't see my therapist today bc i might have been exposed to covid 😭#been having a depression flare up for the past two weeks or so#and therapy feels like my only place of peace and sanity given the dysfunction of my fam#been handling the flare up much better than i would have in the past so that makes me feel better#just been super sleepy and a bit sad & stressed is all#and not having that time when u need it sucks 😭#not trying to risk anyone's health tho#esp since my therapist is old & just had it not too long ago#hate how careless ppl are about covid now tho it's very frustrating#i'm like one of five ppl in my town who still wears a mask in public spaces#😩😩😩
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HFKSHIDJDJ I really, really enjoy reading your ramblings in the tags after I finish reading your writings :∆
hehe thank you it's where i put all the unorganized thoughts that i couldn't fit into the writing/brainrot itself :D i am glad you find them enjoyable :)
#chit chat#anon#not brainrot#since i know you're reading these:#hiiiii hi hi :D#you can actually glean a lot about my mood from the tags#i'll often mention if i have something stressful or exciting coming up#i put it in the tags because i feel like it'd annoy people to constantly hear about my emotions and such#and also anything that's more rambling goes into the tags!!#any of the ideas i couldn't make pretty or polished#tonight the mood is: sleepy#i'm very sleepy i want moth cuddles#or moth angst. i dunno why it's either fluff or angst right now#i also don't usually rant in my posts so i put it in the tags so people can skip it if they want#haha stuff sure has been happening haha :)#hhhhnghgnghng i wan....... foul legacy...........#good evening :)
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i hate the "what would actually be better for me right now going out or staying home and resting" self care dichotomy because i never fucking know what the right answer is
#I'm pmsing and so so physically tired and sleepy but i also know leaving the house is good for me#no one taught me how to take care of myself when i was supposed to learn it so now the choice just stresses me out#alex txt
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why is it so hard to do things
#i'm trying to do my homework but i also wanted to do other things today and get started with some studying#but it's a little bit too late for that now and i'm sleepy and i also want to workout for a little bit and have a shower#it's okay. it is. but why is it already so stressful??? it's october. fuck.#leo scrive
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<3
#don't mind me i'm just very sleepy and sleepy me is worse than drunk me#sleepy me has no filter and ranges from giggly idiot who loves everyone and everything to sappy and sad dumbass#and today is sappy and sad i guess :(#i've been like a ball of anxiety the entirety of june but these past three days have been super bad#i have to move and god i have so much stuff#and no car#and none of my friends have cars#and they're helping me move! of course they are. and i really love them for it and they're amazing#and i'll be living with a really good friend from now on and it's going to be amazing#but moving is so stressful! tomorrow i need to really go through my stuff#and i'm homesick i think#like normally i'm fine?? but then it's like the second i buy tickets to go home i become super homesick#i miss my brothers so much#anyway i should just go to sleep and stop thinking#i'll move all of my stuff one way or another because i don't have a choice and i'll see my brothers in literally just a bit over two weeks#i need to stop being silly#and also go for a walk maybe. touch some grass and look at some trees#tomorrow i'll climb to the main tourist attraction here that i won't name because that would be doxxing myself#and walk around in the park there
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Facing a very rough patch called "I didn't get out of cosplay when I came home and now I'm still all dressed up and falling asleep"
#I'm still wearing antennae.. i at least took the heels off lmao#might need my shower chair bc im just. exhausted; ive been really tired for a week or so now#i think the prospect of moving might be stressing me more than i hoped U_U#either way i am SLEEPY#hoatm rants
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Where's that gif of Skylar White just screaming "SHUT UP! SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!!!" at her family member because that's... such a mood rn...
#thank gawd for open path therapy services#yet the demons persist#thinking a lot tonight and feeling angry#maybe i will eat more chow mein. that would fix me.#so my day went like... first 8 hours i had a breakdown crying from?? idk?? stress?? then next few hours i went to the card shop#with my partner to play MTG. and then i smelled chow mein so after i went to get chow mein and had a#religious experience with the chow mein. like... i was meditating slowly eating this lovingly crafted beef chow mein. i think i heard the#voice of god#all was right with the world. then my partner was all 'i'm sleepy' so they went to bed at 9pm sharp because they always stay up until 2-4am#despite me begging them to get on a normal sleep schedule for their health so im...#now sitting here unable to sleep at 1am being annoyed at everything again#chow mein. chow mein will fix me#delete later#stress is a cycle but i will break free from it soon
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