#now I'd really rather not feel all this
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Going Through It when you're older and wiser is a strange thing. Like, you're gonna be okay. You've got the tools and the resilience and you'll be fine. But it still sucks like hell, and there are no detours around grief. Seems unfair.
#personal#I used to relish in wallowing on my youth#now I'd really rather not feel all this#it's so inconvenient#but it's unavoidable#in*#okay to reblog
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Sometimes I want to bring Morrigan but then I remember I play as a face-tanking rogue and I bring Wynne. Warden Cousland, Morrigan, Wynne / Dragon Age Origins (c) Bioware
#dragon age#dragon age fan art#comic#morrigan#warden cousland#healer#bioware#dao#dragon age origins#hero of ferelden#cousland#wynne#I'm back. I guess.#I did not notice at first but apparently I took a break from tumblr. I've already had several breakdowns over the dashboard.#(turns out I was on the 'for you' tab rather than the 'following' tab. the theme had changed as well. absolutely insufferable.)#I've felt really unconnected for a while but it actually feels better now? as if my tumblr mutuals was the missing link.#very healthy and hot of me ngl#so. I had a two week holiday this year and they were instantly slurped up. it went so fast!#there was this big football thing the week before my holiday - basically teams of teens come from all around the world to play etc.#I heard a girl tell her teammates that 'I'd love to travel on this bus every morning; happy people all around you; just add some music...'#she was also very excited when the bridge opened. the 'happy people' around her sighed bitterly and leaned back for a ten minute wait.#it is thankfully over now. the bus home is no longer stuffed full of football teams. but it's a fun experience for the players etc etc etc#well. in other thrilling news I went to spy on our sister shops during my time off. to see what they do differently. maybe steal some ideas#one store was like an instagram post with fancy teacups and stylish outfits. who knew a second-hand store could be so boring.#the other was like a man-cave with furniture and a passively-aggressive note by the toys stating that 'if u break it u pay. idiot. tnx<3'.#the man-cave was my favourite :)#rant over now! take care and bye etc!
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Btw just want to be clear that Time and Time Again is set to, and will if I don't pause, conclude in May 2025!
Webtoon didn't want to renew or give me any extra episodes so I'm trying to work with what I have. I'm sorry it's ending sooner than I'd like, it's been difficult to come to terms with and challenging to condense my plans.
You deserve a solid conclusion, and I've spent months writing to try and reach that. If there's anything you'd really like to see before it ends, do let me know in case I can (and want to) fit it in.
I'd rather not work with them again, and I hope I won't have to! But coming off of years being overworked and underpaid does not make that easy, to say the least...
I'm doing my best, and I hope you like what I have coming up.
#years of being overworked. underpaid. and literally manipulated and gaslit lmfao#it does not feel good to beg to be treated equally. and then told to be satisfied with less than that#it has been repeatedly demoralizing and insulting#and im not doing it again#i would rather nanny again (most exhausting job ive ever had) than work with them again#but. i would rather not!#I'd rather continue to make comics#but to do it full time i would need like 500 patrons on the $5 tier minimum...#which is SO MANY PEOPLE and incomprehensible to me#ive already proven to myself i can live on 25k a year but obviously its tight (i live in socal)#this. is not what this post is about#it's so hard for me not to complain about them#i feel bad for my current patrons i only share stuff on discord as of right now#well i do the merch packages but like#it's mostly just my discord#just dont have the time or energy to manage my patreon#cause idk if yall know but patreons site is TERRIBLE from the creator side???#it takes like 5 minutes to upload a single post it's ridiculous#so i cant manage it rn. I've thought about hiring someone to help me with it but i cant afford any help#anyways ultimately this is informing people its gonna end#and is turning into a vent around all of the stress surrounding that#like i literally had to take a couple months to just be sad its gonna end and come to terms with that#its hard! it's hard feeling so tossed aside and having your stories controlled even in part by someone else#anyways yeah#i havent finished writing the last arc yet#so theres space for me to fit stuff if theres something people really want#so id like to get in what i could if i can!#text post#sorry i always turn any thoughts about comics into vents about webtoon#theyre so ass man..... it's fine. im gone in may...
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I haven't felt very motivated to draw lately (what chronic fatigue does to a guy 😔) but I have cracked open my sketchbook a few times. Mostly to doodle TBC.
#I don't draw on paper much anymore tbh#bc now that i have the option to fully line and color things digitally if I'm gonna spend time on art I'd rather go all the way#but i probably should get back into the habit. it's relaxing sometimes to draw something without fussing over it#also i drew blackstar recently while bored during my break at work and tried to redraw him digitally later and it just doesn't look as good#it really is easier to get things the exact shape you want during the sketching phase#which is why i want to make my digital art a little more relaxed and lean into sketches for lineart#but it just never works? idk#I don't feel like I really have the mind or eye for art sometimes. idk how to explain it#I don't really know how to experiment with my style or make changes? how do people learn that#anyway I'm rambling#i really enjoy drawing but I'm pretty art blocked recently bc I'm so tired all the time and kinda feel like? idk how to draw? dunno#my art#shadowsight#bristlefrost#rootspring#snowtuft#lionblaze
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Decided to check out Voices of the Void last night and:
1. Turns out that the game was a free game on itch.io which I did NOT know (thought it was on steam and costed money)
2. I love that it mimics the fucking half life 2 source engine.
3. It has an infinite mode so my autistic ass can happily decorate the base without worrying about any story.
4. It has a robotic humanoid kerfus (as in the cat waiter thingy) assistant that has canonical genders (blue = female, pink = male, red = nb iirc)
5. It has mods
I really wish I checked out this game earlier because before this, the only 'exposure' I had to VotV was the damn thumbnail of a streamer's playthrough and my dumbass did not expect it to be what it actually was.
#if youre a big fan of horror games that focus on unnerving feelings rather than jumpscares i'd really reccomend this#and if you prefer to simply build up the base like me then the infinite mode is for you#theres even an alternative infinite mode that disables what scarier events still occur in infinite mode if you HATE horror#only problem is that i wanna play it even more now#but i gotta wait to get back home :<#uuughhhhhhh why does modern captialist society not let sleepy boys like me stay in and play games all dayyyy :{#voices of the void
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this torture we're going through with the anime must be divine karma for slandering Bones all this time...... they said "oh, you don't like how we adapt things? you say the manga does it better?? okay then, well now there is no more manga. it's Bones or bust, bitches."
#bungou stray dogs#they really said now either you get the story from us or you don't get it at all 😭😭😭😭💀#screaming crying throwing up shaking HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO CARRY ON FOR THE NEXT WEEK LIKE EVERYTHING IS NORMAL#NOT KNOWING WHAT THE FUCK 'TWILIGHT FAREWELL' MEANS#NOT EVEN A FULL WEEK BUT FIVE DAYS CAUSE THE PV ALONE WILL END ME#seriously though how can i be okay with getting canon content for the first time in the ANIME#they already do terribly with content that ALREADY EXISTS#HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO FEEL GETTING /NEW CONTENT/ THROUGH /BONES/#i guess looking at it another way though...... i should be glad if they deliver me some fucking hope a few weeks early#like obviously i'd rather none of this have happened and have gotten to this point in the last episode in the manga first#but since it did turn out this way....... if good things happen i'll take it i can't complain at this point just GIVE ME HOPE#mexican standoff with bones now that there's (basically) no manga content left like 'so it is down to you and it is down to me'#bones at the end of the fucking bsd world: 'never thought i'd be fighting side by side with a bsd anime hater'#me: 'how about side by side with a friend?'#bones: 'aye i can do that'
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if 2026 rolls around and i've not figured out a set course for dealing with my career woes (taking community college classes, making plans to continue education, switching jobs, literally ANYTHING...) please beat 🔨me 🔨with 🔨hammers........🔨🔨🔨
#i feel so stagnant and unhappy and trapped#by all rights i have a good enviable job#even if it doesn't pay fantastic#and i have a lot of free time that i am completely squandering#either i need to go whole hog into this career and do what i can to learn programming and higher intensity pipelines and time management#or i need to start changing my career like. now. and figure out 1) what to and 2) how to do it#i probably can even juggle it and my current job at the same time#which would be good#i also need to figure out if i want to stay here. move across the country. move to a different country. it kind of is important for that#i gotta travel to some of the places i'm interested in first to see if it's worth my time to lean into the process#bc i have essentially until 35-45 at the latest#it was a bit less overwhelming to approach when it seemed like i could have at least one person to fall back on in case things go wrong#but i don't wanna put pressure on anyone anyway i would rather live in a car if i have to bc i can't find a place for the night or w/e#i think loosely i wanna go on an international trip by end of '27 if like. things don't get crazy??? <:) that would be fun#and it'll be good to see how i fare#i'd like to see and experience more n make new friends. really put myself out there.#obviously i'm not wealthy so it's. tough. but. if i'm still with my same job i can probably take it with me now!!! yay!!#the being transgender and doing weekly shots definitely makes everything so needlessly complicated ugh#personal stuff
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I wish I could kill myself without killing myself
#i was feeling fine a few hours ago. why am I feeling the complete opposite now#genuinely though about a week ago I started thinking about what would be a good month to kill myself in and that's. worrying#i had to snap myself out of it#i dont want to die. not really. but at the same time it feels like I've been stuck in the same situation for forever#and idk the idea of change is scary. the idea of not change is also scary. and I'd rather just not have to go through all that#I'd rather just die yknow#anyway i promise I'm not gonna kill myself I'm just not feeling well rn
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recent lounging babey images
#he's so floppy recently and I hope it's just the heat. I think wamr weather makes everyone floppy and loungy#a beauntifulle boye...#cats#STILL working on posting some drafts. finishing new poll adventure.. other things... It's just hard with the weather and other things going#on. I've had a few more doctors appointments and other things to do recently that have to be done in a time limit#so I hvae to use my extremely limited energy working on that instead of doing the things I'd really rather do. :T#Main focuses though are keeping up better with doing and posting costumes + sculptures as main creative things. at least finishing the#main poll adventure story. Reworking the game I kind of abandoned for a few years. keeping up with game videos and a few other side things.#Especially the game though. I've been in a really worldbuildy mood recently. I just wish that was easier to manifest into something. I've#now put the worldbuilding slideshow reading video on pause for a while because it's SOOO long to do#and I think I should prioritize making games and stuff instead. but still other things. IT's just kind of like.. I have a whole world and#everything very built and planned out but now.. what do I do with it? what's the best way to share that? factual slideshows just going over#the information like a dictionary? make it into a game? write short stories? do art attached to the world? etc. etc. ?? There are so many#potential avenues I end up kind of flip flopping between them a lot because none really seem more beneficial than the others and they all#seem equally enjoyable and also equally hard so. It's like?? I guess just do what the hell ever and hope I made the right choice in terms o#cost benefit and reward for my time lol. ANYWAY.. Also why I'm in my 'trying to make friends' era still because I think having other creat#ive friends can help you find direction like.. people will meet each other and then go 'hey lol just for fun lets start a project together!#and then like 5 years later it's genuinely become something. etc. having other people to help weed out ideas and start small creative teams#together and etc. I feel is a very beneficial part of networking or whatever but also I have the social capacity of a stale bread roll and#am also inherently unrelatable to seemingly a majority of people due to my hermit wizard swag (detachment from general society and hyper#focus on fantasy worlds in my head gjhghj) so trying to meet people as a grown adult with social issues is Very easy and fun (it is not)#even very basic things like my core communication style is so incompatible with a lot of people it's like.. hhhh... People in this modern#age have GOT to stop being afraid of phone calls and/or text that is longer than 6 paragraphs. Work with me here. I WANT to talk to you. bu#I do not know what your emojis mean and it's physically impossible for me to type less than 85 sentences. please.. hhjgjgb#AAANYWAY!! I am working on things when I can given the circumstances (SUMMER).. hopefully some costume pictures and stuff soon. :'3#I've not forgotten about my art and etc. - as usual I just am bad at social media and also functioning if it's above 65F lol
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Oh.
#according to facebook memories (why do i even have that still??) 12 years ago today i saw Linkin Park for the first time 🥺#in a few days it'll be 10 years since the last time i saw them#and. hm. there's a lot that surfaced this days since clancy dropped and i'm a bit more emotional / sensitive than usual#and this is. well. making me extremely sad.#12 years ago. i remember as if it was yesterday. i cling to that day so much and i'm scared of forgetting about it#i wonder how 14 yo me would've reacted if she knew.#they were my first gig ever! i remember the 2nd song was given up and the people around us started moshing pretty hard.#so much that my shoe came off and my dad had to shield me while i crawled and looked for it hahaha#it was so fun! i didn't really know that was a thing#that day was the first time they played Lies Greed Misery - it had been released just the day before#my videos are SO blurry but i still have them all saved 🥹#idk i've been in some typa mood these past days. not necessarily bad at all but.#me and a couple friends had a very important conversation 2 nights ago which was GOOD but. the bad thing about letting everything bottle up#is that once you spill it's hard to deal with. and yeah this is. idk. i'm just venting here like. ignore me.#it's just really hard for me. i miss him terribly and i'm really scared for myself because i *know* i'm back in the loop#and it feels so hopeless sometimes. maybe this is super silly but i'm so thankful that Clancy came out now because OH BOY i need it#maybe it's not the best strategy to put so much faith? importance? in like. music and other people but#man. i genuinely don't know if i'd be here if not for certain songs/artists etc#idk I'm rambling lol. i might delete this later#probably. maybe. i try not to talk too much about this here because i tend to deal alone but. sometimes it's nice to send things to the void#anyways. support your favs. talk to your friends - even if you much rather not. don't be like me and let things rot inside.#🤍#darya talks to herself
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Getting closer, getting really close now I swear (Patreon)
#Doodles#Just Desserts#Villainsona#True Villainy AU#Just ignore how many times I've said that up to this point lol - I'm serious this time!#I always feel so bad designing TVAU outfits because Charm is always so miserable as a model haha#Could this be a contributing factor as to why it's taken so long?? No I enjoy drawing her like that lol#Made some design notes about the important elements of what I want for her True Villain look - more than just ''Her but Kaiein influence''#I'd still really like a nod to dragon scales of some kind but honestly her classic design is more that#Always going on about her spider theming how to make it dragony! It's the one thing I'm still hung up on lol#As for the rest I think it's Really getting close :) I got to actually turn her little ''shawl'' - I always knew it was Kaiein-related -#Into something that properly mimics his shape! It's all controlled by her tho it's not a part of his body - just magic-infused matter#Made to look like him so there's still that creep factor but it's more her body than his - she can control its shape :D#And I got to keep the jewels! Yesss - made it a motif! Now it's also on her hips and knees to break up her visual space yes very good#It's drips :) Y'know - like ink :) Finally figured that one out lol good job setting up my own symbolism me#And then some elegant drapey bits to match her ''shawl'' and continue to break up her space!! Yes! Good!!#I still haven't decided on a colour palette I think black and white is too obvious and too Kaiein but hmmm - she has a lot of colours#Lots of options to pick from but which is the Correct one - her hair would stay pink so maybe some of her pinks or purples#I'll play with some digital swatches later :)#I'm also so glad I could implement the hood design from one of the scrapped outfits ah <3 I love her in a hood she's so cute#I'm rather pleased with the way the spider web design breaks up her form as well - it's more subdued than the full bottom/shoes stripes but#It's also not very clear here lol the long ones that all the way down to her feet are the third from the center ignore that second one#The second lines out from the center host her wings! Very important!#Kinda reminds me of my holosona in a way actually :0 They /are/ both Evil-aligned hmmmm#All the more reason to colour palette! Differentiate the colours in my head#Really do feel like I'm approaching it now fdjsklafd getting close now!!
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Someone being extremely annoying in the replies of my flowey and clover gif and I'm running out of patience 😭
#'well I THINK theyd just kill everyone then never reset in neutral' 'WE decide who clover is at heart' can you not#like. this is a piece of fanart. did you really just reply to tell me you don't like my headcanons or what#like... at least mention the art of you're gonna go on a several reply stint of this...#and im sorry but mmmmh... bad takes. frisk is morally ambiguous and its impossible to know what they'd do without our influence at this tim#but its a. fucking HUGE plot point in yellow neutral that we know what clover does without influence. without us. without flowey.#they stay w toriel indefinitely...#there's wiggle room for why and that's interesting. but its very clear vengeance wouldnt normally be their driving force#and that in itself is interesting! do we make them give into their anger? warp their sense of justice?#are they just going through the motions of getting this done now that they've ended up on this path?#that's all way more interesting to discuss than what feels like just treating them as a nothing character to treat as an insert#they did say its bc they dont like considering vengeance canon but that stumps me even more#why do you think we mold them then????#and idk if the devs said anything about it being noncanon but i haven't heard so#(and the devs also said Clover's gender is 'up to interpretation' and that's stupid so i also just don't care I'm sorry)#I'd rather embrace all routes and consider what that can mean for the characters#vengeance being unrealistic for ut means nothing when NONE of uty is realistic for ut#it's just a cool what if kinda story
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pleaaase may i have 28 and 29 aramour angst ✨ i crave it
28: “Move out of my way before I make you.” // 29: “You deserve better.” (prompt list here)
click for better quality!
#the brainrot!!! so strong. anyways. to confront the woman dating your ex when there's super high tension....#anyway!!! highschool(?) modern au where the popular girl/ queen bee is whoever resident king henry is dating.. hm..#oh the tension between someone who used to serve you. now having taken your place. and you knowing the ins and out of that position..#especially that it's not all it's cooked up to be!! lots of thoughts about this au#art-wise i drew these as storyboards before i realised i cant video format well without audio so they're just here in storyboard form#i drew these in sketchy drafts and then in sketchbook then spent 2h lining them digitally bc the scans were yikes. anyways. i lost a frame#somewhere and it was before the “you deserve better” and it was like. “take it from someone who knows#fun fact!! i showed this to multiple irl friends without dialogue as i was drawing it. neither of them know the characters but.#immediately pinpointed exes vibes. and enemies to lovers. and basically homoerotic arguing tension.#remarkably pleased at how that was conveyed (and also amused. i love my friends). anyway if i were to do this again? then i'd draw in the#frames instead of re-doing the sizing after tracing. yikes that was an experience.#anyway!! (x3) anon i hope you enjoy the aramour angst. i hope it has something. i craved it a lot as i was drawing this#six the musical#six the musical fanart#catherine of aragon#jane seymour#also the characterisation was lowkey based off how mean girl seymour is absolutely a thing in the show. some of her lines. savage.#parallels!!! in show the "oh boohoo [..] i DIED'' and attacking aragon.. the rivalry here.. aaaagh#also!! the last line is a slightly paraphrased letter from aragon to her father(?) i think. found it online while looking for how she wrot#because i wanted her to sound more queenly... you also see it in how she's unbothered and rather unimpressed throughout seymour's posturing#the confidence in herself. meanwhile jane is defensive and a bit more prone to being flustered <parallels emotion in show script>#i'm just. very proud of these drawings together. narrative can be so very nice. the last two frames are kinda like a postscript.#sometimes the brainrot really gets you!! alright have a nice day.. comms are open and the fact that no one is taking them up rn feels a bit#sobering. but it's okay! i'm not in a rush.. it's more for the experience. hm. i wonder who wrote yes in the poll though#(can you. tell my ego is a little bruised?) nvm onwards!! eventually i'll get good enough to actually sell my stuff :OOO#oh an addendum: lowkey inspired by all the bathroom girl-on-girl confrontation scenes. one off the top of my head is the one from heathers#but there's quite a lot of those tbh
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hello! i've been a follower for a little while because of how beautifully you render gonta. i just wanted to thank you for the different ways you portray him- both the beautiful and the messy -and how it's helped me a lot with my emotional state. i don't know if this makes sense, but your art gives off such a sense of calm strength perfect for gonta and i just wanted to say thanks for all the good gonta contents. take care
Thank you so much, for seeing my stuff in such positive way, and also for sharing your thoughts with me - it really cheered me up. I had no clue my art can have such vibe and effect on someone… O<-< You take care, too!
#; - ;#turbo-tsun reply#calm strength huh...#sometimes I thought how my art feels to others#I always try my best with technical stuff and conveying emotion and motion and such but as for the impression it gives off#well I don't think it's something that I could ever guess or see kinda like I cannot see myself from outside at all times#'calm strength' isn't something i'd ever consider given my own rather nervous character haha...#though Gonta really does bring me peace of mind so maybe THAT'S what showing through#I'm really really glad it could've helped you in turn#and now you helped me cheer up too really it was great timing#I actually felt rather bad in past few days but your kind words really brightened my day#the circle of kindness XD#why am I writing in tags adsgjhhdas#I dunno it kind of feels more comfortable and less 'stage frighty'? I still work on being able to talk freely#either way thank you so much again!
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ngl gamers, I think I'm gonna inevitably lose to the hormones and depression in the near future XD
Can't bring myself to be active cause I'm using a lot of energy to not vent post all the time. But fuck it, into the tags I go!
#I want NO MESSAGES regarding this. let me just be upset and alone#you spend most of your life trying to not succumb to sick brain but honestly I don't think it's worth it in the long run#my life is for better or worse....decent. but I've lost the drive and happiness to really DO anything a long time ago. like whats the point#the only reason I havent killed myself yet is cause Im too lazy (and dont have access to a gun for a quick getaway)#and I'm saying all this DESPITE having stuff to look forward to in the near future. it's like AUGH whats the POINT IM always gonna suffer#why does mental health take such a toll on ppl. this shit sucks ass. and I still feel excited for things in the future too? somehow?#but I also really want to die so. idk man. idk. maybe if I fall in love with someone then I can be distracted but all my walls are up#what's the point in anything anymore. *I* have to take the steps to improve myself and my situation#and I'd rather die. anyways who wants to make a pact that once we reach 40 we will marry each other#that might be fun#also my brain has gotten so bad that I am literally considering joining a hiking club to get out more and I FUCKING HATE HIKING#but I should probably do something out of my comfort zone to push myself and who knows maybe I will find a new passion#but let me tell you about the anxiety - oh BOY it's starting to act up again. hahahha#ah well sometimes you just need to scream your feelings out in the tags to get a lil clarity from the brain fog#one day I will fucking die/kill myself but for now I'll just try to make the best out of. whatever the hell this stupid life is. *shrug*#(but hey if any professional hitmen are reading this. feel free to. heh. you know ;) )#also I need to get back to art#gotta do my paid work and that one pic I lined months ago. and clay stuff *continues to bed rot another week because hahahahahahaha*#ah I wish I didn't fail all those years ago. then I would be free. I wish I was free#ok goodnight I promised myself that I would do paid work when I wake up tomorrow so hopefully no more migraines -pray emoji-
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man .
#i gotta put this somewhere. i'm complaining about the guys and expressing my disappointment in the tags#this is just my own feelings and discomfort don't have to agree or comment on anything. anyone can have their own thoughts#i should stop looking them up or even bother checking their socials and what they're up to#if not i'd just be rolling my eyes and making myself more annoyed at them lol#i don't feel as bad for not caring since it's probably too much to expect that#white patriotic american middle aged men to not support their hell of a cuntry aka that violent imperial core nightmare#i was kinda fond of them at first but now it just leaves a sour taste in my mouth that i rather just avoid because#bringing this up has no benefit anyway. anything said more will just be regarded as a 'cancel culture' attempt but#they're not bad people. they are good people and that's entirely the point#it's not a unique problem and for as long as that imperial nightmare stays in power anyone who willingly supports it and its actions#show that some lives are worth more than other lives all so that western society will always have more power#and is not something worth worrying about. they're just strangers to me anyway. i don't care about them i don't want to care about them#again this is not me saying they're bad or 'problematic' people. they are good people and that's why it disappoints me#but like i said it's not worth worrying about since they are just an example rather than the core issue#i just wanted to write this down because the bitterness is just there now lol#i've been able to separate the real people/actors and the characters they play so it doesn't affect my enjoyment as much anymore#i'm just. sorry for talking negatively lol i know people use their interests as an escape like i know. i use this show as my escape too#but some things are just hard to ignore when they affect real life so.. eh .#i still like the show and the characters haha i'm just fighting with myself internally i guess idk#like it doesn't really hurt to enjoy them. it's not bad. i'm allowed to disagree with the creators of something i like#my ramblings
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