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The twenty-first day of Writemas
Trying to write a scene with two characters from a novel I am currently drafting. Not sure if this is going to be in the main story exactly like this, but I can imagine the two of them having a similar conversation either way.
Thanks to @agirlandherquill for the prompts and the challenge in general, I'm having a lot of fun with this!
The prompt I used:
He swallowed silence until he was full, until his tongue was in knots no-one could undo.
---
It wasn't possible. Oswin knew that it was just not possible. Nique wouldn't, she would never do something like that.
The edges of his vision started to flicker and his gut felt like it had suddenly dropped to the floor. He was struggling for air, somehow it didn't seem to go all the way down into his lungs. Heavily breathing he felt the floor give way underneath him and he urgently held on to the walls.
"Oswin, there you are, I need to-"
Somebody had come through the door, shoes shuffling across the squeaking hard-wood floor. Oswin felt hands on his shoulders, a firm grip steadying his shaking body.
"What's wrong?" Theodor's voice. Where did he come from?
Oswin tried to say something, anything, but his heart was beating in his throat and the words couldn't seem to get past it.
He felt Theodor's grip tighten. "I'll get you to your room, good?", his friend asked.
Without waiting for a reply he put Oswin's arm over his shoulders and dragged him up the stairs.
It was easy leaning against Theodor, Oswin thought.
"Oswin, do you hear me?"
They'd made it up to the first floor, Oswin couldn't recall how. He nodded.
"Tell me something you see."
He felt dizzy trying to make out what was in front of him. "I see-", he started, but it came out like the cry of a wounded crow. He cleared his throat. "I see the door to my room."
"Good", said Theodor, panting from the effort of half carrying Oswin. "Now something you hear?"
Oswin frowned. What exactly did Theodor want from him?
"Go on, it helps."
He focused on his surroundings. "I hear our footsteps."
"And what do you feel?"
The touch of your hand that's slipped under my shirt, Oswin thought. It felt good. Warm. Save, maybe?
"Exhausted", he said instead.
Theodor chuckled. "Me too."
They'd reached Oswin's room and Theodor cranked the door open.
"Is there something you smell?", he asked as he let Oswin fall to his bed.
Oswin was glad to finally sit down and not feel the world turning any more. But his skin burned where Theodor had touched him and the cool air made him shiver as it suddenly collided with the heat. He did smell something, yes. Theodor. All over him. How has he never noticed before that the alchemist smelled like freshly pressed linen and roasted coffee beans?
He shook his head. No. Nique. He wanted her over him. He wanted to smell her, feel her touch. But she-
"Your sweat", he replied quickly, noticing he'd not said anything yet.
Theodor snorted. "Seems you're all good again, I'll head out."
"Sorry", said Oswin, "and thanks. I don't know… I mean I've never…" He trailed off, not quite sure what to even say. What had happened to him just now? He'd never felt that way before, never had this horrid feeling of loosing the connection with his own body. He couldn't even picture Nique in his head, his stomach turned when he tried.
Theodor didn't move and Oswin was glad for it. He didn't want to be alone. At least not until he felt like himself again. Or something. But he didn't say it, said nothing because he didn't know the words.
"Do you want to talk about it?", asked Theodor.
"Nothing to talk about."
"Have you had a panic attack before?"
Oswin's head snapped up in surprise. "How do you-?"
Theodor sighed. "I've had them throughout my entire childhood." He looked at Oswin with a halfsmile, that didn't quite reach his eyes. "I get overwhelmed easily. You know, when there's too many people or too much noise."
Oswin felt the sudden urge to hold Theodor in his arms and protect him from whatever annoyance might cause him harm.
He quickly looked down, staring at the floor with an intensity that might soon burn a hole into it. What was he thinking? Theodor had just seen him make an absolute fool of himself, why did he think he would even as much as talk to him after this day? And why was there only Theodor on his mind when it should be Nique?
He wanted to say something, ask Theodor to touch him again. Or to move his lips some more, because they looked so endearing when he did. Or maybe just to stay a little longer. But he couldn't. He didn't know what was going on, his heart belonged to Nique, had always belonged to Nique. So instead he swallowed silence until he was full, until his tongue was in knots no-one could undo.
Theodor ran his hand through his hair and it suddenly felt awkward between them.
"I've got some work to do", he said. "Make sure to get some rest. I'll see you later."
Please stay with me. Don't leave me here. Oswin swallowed, but the words got stuck in his throat.
---
Thank you so much for reading, I hope you enjoyed this first little glimpse into a story that has been with me for the last eight years already.
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I hate Twitter's text limit, but Im going to yap on about my book because I wish people would see it.
Its about two enemies, er not so enemies, they dont know they're each other's enemy. In such a horrible twist of fate was arranged to marry each other, and they had to go through the ups and down of having a "loveless" marriage and ruling a dukedom with no knowledge what so ever. But what happens if they find out they're each other's person they swore to hate and kill with a burning passion. Would that burning passion still be there in the form of, Love?
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taking off my anxiety over a license exam ☠️
#messyr#IM GOING TO CRY IF I FAIL THIS EXAM BUT DAMN I ALREADY FEEL LIKE THROWING UP!!!!!! AHAHAHAHAH#I keep thinking about the fkin adobe license yet im still out here drawing projects for a media visual novel and egames art concepts AAARGH#Also still drafting stuff for this AU bc it doesn't just focus on ships- rather the plot itself LMAO.#doodle#artists on tumblr#hazbin hotel#hazbin hotel au#hazbin hotel: Michelin Stars AU#hazbin hotel human au#hazbin hotel lucifer#hazbin hotel alastor#lucifer morningstar#hazbin alastor#hazbin hotel charlie#charlie morningstar#radioapple
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smoke break
#this was lying around in my drafts for three months and i colored it just now so sry if the art style looks kinda 💀#teen skk is so special to bc they’re just idiot kids forced to get along and that’s what makes them hilarious#when will the unreleased seventeen light novel come out omfgggggg slamming my head into a brick wall#i need to see them in their peak years. their double black years. the years where they finally learned to trust and grow fond of each other#i am never painting again i cried every second doing this#bungou stray dogs#bungo stray dogs#bsd#osamu dazai#dazai osamu#nakahara chuuya#chuuya nakahara#sokouku#skk#lotus draws
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My grandmother and i
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It's interesting (if often frustrating) to see the renewed Orc Discourse after the last few episodes of ROP. I've seen arguments that orcs have to be personifications of evil rather than people as such or else the ethics of our heroes' approach to them becomes much more fraught. Tolkien's work, as written, seems an odd choice to me for not wrangling with difficult questions, and of course, more diehard fans are going to immediately bring up Shagrat and Gorbag.
If you haven't read LOTR recently, Shagrat and Gorbag are two orcs who briefly have a conversation about how they're being screwed over by Sauron but have no other real options, about their opinions of mistakes that have been made, that they think Sauron himself has made one, but it's not safe to discuss because Sauron has spies in their own ranks. They reminisce about better times when they had more freedom and fantasize about a future when they can go elsewhere and set up a small-scale banditry operation rather than being involved in this huge-scale war. Eventually, however, they end up turning on each other.
Basically any time that someone brings up the "humanity" of this conversation, someone else will point out that they're still bad people. They're not at all guilty about what they're part of. They just resent the dangers to themselves, the pressure from above, failures of competence, the surveillance they're under, and their lack of realistic alternative options. The dream of another life mentioned in the conversation is still one of preying on innocent people, just on a much smaller and more immediate scale, etc.
I think this misses the reason it keeps getting brought up, though. The point is not that Shagrat and Gorbag are good people. The point is that they are people.
There's something very normal and recognizable about their resentment of their superiors, their fears of reprisal and betrayal that ultimately are realized, their dislike of this kind of industrial war machine that erases their individual work and contributions, the tinge of wistfulness in their hope of escape into a different kind of life. Their dialect is deliberately "common"—and there's a lot more to say about that and the fact that it's another commoner, Sam, who outwits them—but one of the main effects is to make them sound familiar and ordinary. And it's interesting that one of the points they specifically raise is that they're not going to get better treatment from "the good guys" so they can't defect, either.
This is self-interested, yes, but it's not the self-interest of some mystical being or spirit or whatnot, but of people.
Tolkien's later remarks tend to back this up. He said that female orcs do exist, but are rarely seen in the story because the characters only interact with the all-male warrior class of orcs. Whatever female orcs "do," it isn't going to war. Maybe they do a lot of the agricultural work that is apparently happening in distant parts of Mordor, maybe they are chiefly responsible for young orcs, maybe both and/or something else, we don't know. But we know they're out there and we know that they reproduce sexually and we know that they're not part of the orcish warrior class.
Regardless of all the problems with this, the idea that orcs have a gender-restricted warrior class at all and we're just not seeing any of their other classes because of where the story is set doesn't sound like automatons of evil. It sounds like an actual culture of people that we only see along the fringes.
And this whole matter of "but if they're people, we have to think about ethics, so they can't be people" is a weird circular argument that cannot account for what's in LOTR or for much of what Tolkien said afterwards. Yes, he struggled with The Problem of Orcs and how to reconcile it with his world building and his ethical system, but "maybe they're not people" is ultimately not a workable solution as far as LOTR goes and can't even account for much of the later evolution of his ideas, including explicit statements in his letters.
And in the end, the real response that comes to mind to that circular argument is "maybe you should think about ethics more."
#i had a whole 'nother tangent that i split off into a separate draft#but i've been thinking about why the 'but shagrat and gorbag are still BAD people' thing seems so inane and missing the point#but yeah. i feel like people desperately want to find some justification in tolkien (and elsewhere) for the idea#that doing something wrong to a person will become doing something right if you can find someone who 'deserves it'#and that literally anything can be justified if someone has been defined as a valid target (i.e. less than a person)#(you see this a lot in the whole twitter main character of the day thing - the idea that the problem is directing the firehose#against the wrong person by mistake rather than the firehose itself)#but it's super weird for a novel built on a metaphor about how using the tools of evil for a good end or against existential enemies#is fundamentally corrupting and only further props up what it's meant to oppose#and i mean... the character most like tolkien literally says he could not morally justify lying to an orc and rejects the ring#it's not exactly a deeply buried theme of the book#anghraine babbles#long post#anghraine rants#legendarium fanwank#legendarium blogging#shagrat#gorbag#tv: lotr#jrr tolkien
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click, click, click, click
#sydcarmy#found this text in my drafts folder and wanted to illustrate it#but also just procrastinating#i know it's already established he is the small spoon but oh well#if i didnt live in a capitalist hellscape i would just draw a sydcarmy graphic novel#also yes they can afford lots of polaroid film because they also wear hundred dollar white t shirts.#established relationship
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"What do you mean their name isn't Beef?"
(for @moondal514)
#TGCF#he xuan#I only know TGCF through having multiple people try and explain it to me + watching S1 of the animated series.#And fandom osmosis of some characters and plot points.#So I had a genuine 'A platypus? *PERRY* the platypus?' moment when doing research for this prompt.#My method for drawing novel characters is to read their description + personality and make a few drafts from there.#Sometimes I get curious and look up official art on a wiki. Ensue the: “huh who is this (sees the female form) I KNOW WHO THIS IS”#Anyways this is actually just a warm up. An unprecedented part 2 comes tomorrow.#Because the journey of “How *would* I draw he xuan?” took me on a wild journey that nearly drove me into madness.#Spoilers: its not how I drew HX in this comic. It's more...on brand for this blog. Lets leave it there. Everyone gets a 24 hour warning.#Thank you Moondal514 for pushing me into the deepest waters on this one. I am forever changed.
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i cannot stress enough how important it is to write at your own pace. to give your mind and spirit room to breathe, to process your creativity and allow it to come organically to you. goals and discipline are a good and necessary part of any hobby, especially writing, but so is rest. rest prevents burn out. and if you push yourself until you burn out you will wind up taking even longer to complete projects or meet goals. even if you are already burnt out that's okay. this is your sign to give yourself the grace to take breaks. your story, your muses, your brilliant ideas will be waiting for you to pick them up with proper enthusiasm when you're ready.
#and i know there is a bug in the back of ur brain saying if u don't write it someone else will#if u don't write the novel someon eelse will do sth just like it#if u dont write the fanfic it will be too late#if u don't write ur drafts duplicates will 'replace' u#and to that i say bullshit#no one can write exactly what you write#no two souls are the same#no two brains will create the exact same piece of art#no one else can write your characters the way u do#no one else will see and value the same facets of a muse as u#there is no replacement#there is no comparison#your version of a story/muse/anYTHING is worthwhile to put on the earth#on writing#creative writing#writing advice#writers on tumblr
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"without him, there is no future that i desire." my turning secret santa piece for @jasontoddiefor!! happy holidays and i hope you enjoy your gift 🎁
open for better quality | no reposts
#turning novel#터닝#yuder aile#kishiar la orr#kishiyu#fanart#myart#comic#i got too excited and that's why we have a 6 page comic here lol#i really hope the symbolism comes across ><#drawing this while getting back into reading the 500s and 600s was An Experience#especially seeing the panels i drafted take on new meaning with more information from the novel#i put my heart and soul into this and i'm really happy with how it turned out!!
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most useful piece of novel-writing advice i've heard recently: if you're ever stuck on what comes next, just ask yourself what you haven't brought up in a while. is there a character who hasn't been seen in a few chapters? did you offhandedly mention some piece of backstory that could resurface as a subplot? what's going on in your characters' lives that could become relevant again?
i'm drafting with these questions in mind, and now every time i get stuck, i can just be like, "oh, well i guess i didn't resolve that implication from a few chapters ago, let's explore that for a little bit," and usually that gets the ball rolling again.
#they speak#writeblr#writing advice#writing a novel#i'm still pretty early in my draft but so far this is working out!
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UNSEEN SCENE AFTER MEETING C AND D
C was tugging D along by the sleeve so hard that it was a miracle the leather didn’t stretch. the brunette’s face was dead serious, a determined set to their jaw as they guided their gray-eyed best friend down a quieter path, away from the buzz of the activities fair.
when they’d put enough distance between them and the fair, D finally pulled free, grinning broadly.
“so… was that really the person you’ve been talking about for years now?” D asked as they leaned against a lamppost, eyes gleaming.
C crossed their arms, mouth pressed into a thin line as though the question alone was a bait they had no intention of taking.
IF YOU HAVE ❤️ POINTS WITH C
D’s mouth twisted into a more delighted smile. “oh my god. that’s really them, isn’t it? the one who you—oh, what was it?—‘had the distinct displeasure’ of competing with all these years? the person who’s been living rent-free in your head since, what, middle school?”
“will you keep your voice down?” C hissed, looking around in an agitated way, not meeting D’s eyes.
“you have got to be kidding me.” D snorted, hands on their hips. “this is almost too good to be true. years of all your whining about ‘i can’t believe they got the highest grade again’ or ‘oh, guess who is on the front-page of the school journal again’—and now you’re both attending the same university.”
C folded their arms tighter, the very picture of a person resisting all of this with every fiber of their being.
“i wouldn’t call it whining,” they said through clenched teeth. “it was merely an observation.”
“oh, sure, it is,” D said, sarcasm spilling from every word as they reached out, clapping C on the shoulder with a teasing gleam in their eyes. “come on, i’m not blind. you’ve been obsessed with them. practically haunted by their existence. and now, here they are. how do you really feel about it?”
“how do i feel?” C repeated, feigning casual indifference as they shrugged off D’s hand, forcing their voice to stay steady. “i feel fine. i feel… exactly the same as always. it’s not as if seeing them is anything special.”
“oh my god, you are so lying right now,” D snorted, leaning closer with a wide, delighted smile. “i mean, come on, admit it. a little crush? a tiny bit? i mean, you talked about them constantly for years.”
C’s cheeks flushed, and they bristled as they looked away. “it’s not a crush, not at all. no way in hell. it will never ever happen. besides, i’ve only mentioned them… in passing. a handful of times. you just have a selective memory.”
D’s laughter was warm, infectious, and wholly unapologetic.
“please, C,” they said, voice softening to an almost affectionate drawl. “you’ve got to stop kidding yourself. the only person who looks at someone the way you looked at them back there is either head over heels or in some kind of blood feud.”
C scoffed, rolling their eyes, though their stomach twisted uncomfortably at D’s words. “there’s nothing good about it. they’ve been a constant, unrelenting nuisance since day one. it’s exhausting.”
“a nuisance who happens to be drop-dead gorgeous?” D raised an eyebrow, grin wide and teasing. “i have to admit that you have excellent taste.”
“they’re… sure, i suppose they’re not terrible-looking,” C replied, voice sharp as they struggled to keep any hint of warmth out of their tone. “but that’s hardly the point. beauty isn’t— it’s not everything. there’s more to them than that.” they could feel D’s eyes on them, too perceptive, too knowing. “i respect them for their… intellect. it’s admirable.”
“their intellect is so admirable,” D said, voice and tone mocking C’s. “they’re so intellectually ‘stimulating,’ i simply can’t stand it.”
“D,” C snapped, but there was no true anger in their voice, just the sharpness of embarrassment and irritation.
D held up their hands, though the grin still danced on their lips.
“alright, alright. i’ll stop,” they said, though the teasing lilt never left their voice. “it’s just… i mean, come on. if i believed in fate…”
“please, don’t,” C muttered, barely concealing a groan. they glanced away, fixing their gaze on a nearby tree as if that might somehow ground them, stop the fluttering discomfort twisting in their chest.
D finally quieted, though a look of amusement still lingered in their eyes. after a moment, their expression softened. “look, i didn’t know that was them back there. otherwise, i wouldn’t have… tried to chat them up.”
“it’s none of my business,” C replied quickly, perhaps too quickly, the denial coming out sharper than they intended. “you can flirt with whoever you want, D. you are your own person, same goes for them.”
D’s gaze lingered on C for a moment, thoughtful, as though they could read the faint tremor that betrayed C’s supposed indifference.
“right. got it.” D’s voice was quiet, a hint of laughter still beneath it, but slightly gentler now.
C shifted under the weight of D’s stare, feeling strangely exposed, as if they’d somehow let a crack appear in the careful façade they’d maintained all these years.
“besides,” C added, trying to inject a note of finality into their tone. “it’s… it’s complicated. i don’t expect you to understand.”
D shrugged, a flicker of something like empathy crossing their face before they brushed it off. “hey, i get it. just didn’t realize they were the infamous rival of yours. honestly, it explains so much.”
C shot them a dubious look. “what’s that supposed to mean?”
“oh, nothing,” D replied innocently, but their eyes were still dancing with that infuriating glint. “i just think you should be more honest with yourself. might save you some of this broodfest, grumpster.”
“thanks for the unsolicited advice,” C retorted dryly, though they could feel the faint sting of truth in D’s words, a reminder of thoughts they’d long tried to ignore. “can we just… talk about something else?”
D gave a little shrug, letting the subject drop with a nod. “fine by me. though i will say, this is definitely the highlight of the semester so far.”
C rolled their eyes, but a faint smile tugged at the corner of their mouth despite themselves. “your standards are painfully low, D.”
“oh, absolutely,” D agreed with a grin, falling into step beside C. “but admit it, you’d miss me if i wasn’t around to torment you like this.”
C huffed, but their gaze softened, a hint of genuine affection flickering in their expression. “perhaps. only if it keeps you from tormenting everyone else.”
“oh, please. you know most of them are happy enough to let me ‘torment’ them.” D’s grin turned almost conspiratorial. “just make sure to invite me into any fistfights if this whole rivalry thing escalates.”
C chuckled, and the sound felt surprisingly light, easing some of the tension that had coiled in their chest. for a moment, the weight of their earlier encounter with you seemed to fade, replaced by the familiar comfort of their best friend’s easy humor.
as they walked back toward their dorm, their steps falling into an unspoken rhythm, C allowed themself a moment of quiet. they still felt the faint sting of embarrassment, the echo of D’s teasing words lingering like a half-formed thought in the back of their mind. but there was also an undeniable warmth, a strange, hesitant excitement that fluttered just beneath the surface.
they tried to push it away, to ignore the thrill of possibility that had sparked when they saw you across the fairground, but it lingered all the same. and as they walked in silence beside D, their gaze fixed ahead, they couldn’t quite shake the feeling that, whether they liked it or not, they would be forced to confront things they didn’t understand quite yet.
IF YOU HAVE ❤️ POINTS WITH D
C stiffened, their jaw clenching, barely nodding. “yeah. that’s them.”
D laughed, clapping a hand on their best friend’s shoulder.
“wow. okay, see, now i get it,” they said, shaking their head. “you were always complaining about how they were everywhere, stealing the spotlight. but, damn, if i’d known you weren’t exaggerating like crazy, i’d have pestered you for their contact ago.”
“yeah, like that was ever gonna happen,” C muttered with the irritation of someone who’d just had a private grudge revealed.
“oh, come on,” D continued, eyes still dancing with that insufferable amusement. they weren’t even pretending to hide their interest now. “did you see them? they’re hot! as in hot like a damn star, C. you can’t deny it. i almost melted right there and then. how did you never mention that part?”
C’s frown deepened, their discomfort sharp enough to cut through D’s lightheartedness. “i’m serious, D. if you’re thinking of trying anything with them, don’t.”
D couldn’t help but chuckle at C’s reaction, leaning back against the wall with an almost wistful expression. “you’re really no fun, you know that? think of the story we’d have—dating your enemy’s best friend… well, whatever else it might become.”
“we’re not exactly ‘enemies,’” C sighed out, observing D with a strange, inscrutable look. they seemed to be trying to read D’s intentions, as if searching for some hidden motive beneath the casual words. “i just don’t think it’s a good idea for you to get involved with them in any way.”
“you’re acting like i’m going to ask them out or something,” D said as they gave C a sidelong glance. their tone was flippant, but there was a defensive edge to it. “i’m not about to go falling head over heels. it’s just… fun.”
C gave them a skeptical look, trying to gauge just how serious they were. they knew D’s habits, their tendency to flirt and play around without letting feelings get involved, but something about this felt different. maybe it was the way they’d looked at you, that lingering fascination that seemed out of place for someone like D, who usually brushed things off before they even started.
“D,” C said quietly, almost as if they were choosing their words with care. “just… be careful, okay? i mean, you know what happened last time.”
D’s smile faded slightly, and their eyes took on a cold look.
“that was different,” they replied, a touch of anger in their voice now. “and anyway, i don’t need you looking out for me. i can make my own choices.”
C pursed their lips as they tried to think of how to say what was on their mind without making things worse. “i’m not trying to play parent here, D. i just don’t want you to do something you won’t be able to deal with later.”
D’s expression grew even more guarded, the usual playfulness in their eyes dimming to something harder, more closed-off.
“thanks for the concern, but I’m a big kid, C,” they said with a faintly strained smile. “you don’t need to worry about me.”
the air between them felt chilling and C wasn’t entirely sure how to fix it. they had only meant to protect their best friend, to stop them from getting tangled in something they knew was bound to end badly. but D’s response had left them with an uncomfortable knot in their chest, one that seemed to pulse with a mixture of worry and frustration.
they walked back to their shared dorm suite in silence, neither of them speaking as the quiet settled between them. C could feel D’s thoughts simmering, a subtle resentment that they weren’t quite sure how to ease. and for some reason, that feeling of helplessness only made C more irritated.
as they reached their suite, D barely registered C closing the main door behind them. they ignored their green-eyed friend’s soft, wary look, the way they almost seemed about to speak before they thought better of it. without another glance, D moved to their own room, shutting the door with a sharper click than they’d intended, leaning against the cool wood and breathing out slowly.
the familiarity of this old frustration settled in their chest, the same sensation they’d managed to bury over time and miles—until tonight. seeing C’s expression, their concern thinly veiled beneath their chalcedony gaze, had brought it all rushing back. and for one brief, shameful second, D found themself resenting their best friend for it. they hated them for thinking they needed to protect them. hated them for reminding them of the person who had taken so much from them, left behind an utterly mangled version of them, burned up everything so badly that D was barely recognisable in the aftermath.
they let out a soft, bitter laugh, sinking down onto the edge of the bed, fingers pressed to their temples. if only C knew how pointless their worry was. there was no wound left to guard, no vulnerability to shield. they’d lost that version of themself long ago, and no amount of protective warnings or shieldings from C would bring it back. because the truth was that there were pieces of themself they would never fully recover. pieces that had been taken and then, with brutal finality, lost entirely.
they were ruined. ruined.
a part of them knew C’s warning had come from that familiar place of concern. C really was family to them, even if they would never understand what they’d been through. D would never wish it on them, ever.
D really wasn’t interested in dredging up those old feelings, that kind of attachment. they’d been honest enough with themself, ruthless enough, to know that what they wanted now was simple and uncomplicated—just fun, just a distraction.
it was just physical attraction. that was all it had to be, and nothing more. it could be simple. no one would get hurt—not you, and definitely not D. they wouldn’t let it become more than a surface-level game. they’d played it before and they’d play it again, this time without letting you to come close enough to shatter them like they did.
D closed their eyes, forcing themself to refocus before their thoughts involuntarily took them to you. and it made them nauseous, that feeling, the warmth of it expanding in their chest, a reminder of something they couldn’t afford to want. D didn’t trust feelings of that sort, they never will.
cursing under their breath, D pushed off the bed and went straight to their desk. the sleek metal drawer on the side clicked open, revealing a row of small bottles, pills neatly aligned. the sight of them was a strange comfort, like they were seeing old friends lined up and whispering about the relief they’d be providing D with, waiting to make everything easier.
D reached for one of the vials, hands steady despite the storm churning inside them. it was an old trick, one they’d used more times than they could count. just a couple of pills to quiet their mind, to drown out the feelings that were starting to unravel the control they’d fought so hard to keep. they twisted off the cap, fingers almost mechanical in the familiarity of the motion, and tipped two pills into their palm. they swallowed them dry, the bitterness sliding down their throat as they sank onto the bed, waiting for that numbness to settle in.
they closed their eyes, willing the thoughts of you away, clinging to the silence that was beginning to spread, blotting out the warmth in their chest before it could turn into an inferno, the faint ache they’d hoped never to feel again.
after a lifetime of feeling too much, the numbness was desperately welcomed.
#ugh my drafts got deleted by tumblr all over again#i’ll probably rewrite this in an interactive POV setting#if: the ballad of the young gods#interactive fiction#interactive novel#interactive story#twine wip#ro: c lacroix#ro: d diaconu#ro scenarios#behind the scenes
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I assume it’s important…
#novel#novel writing#writeblr#books#fantasy#my writing#wip#writers block#writing#writing motivation#writers#writer#writerblr#writer problems#writing stuff#writer stuff#writing a novel#creative writing#writer things#writing characters#first draft#writers on tumblr
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i promise i can make serious svsss art. but not rn
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[ID: Scum Villain fanart of Luo Binghe looking at the viewer, captioned "don't care, didn't ask, my boobs bounce when I walk." He's depicted with tan skin and green eyeliner. End ID] (thank you @princess-of-purple-prose !! <3)
#i literally have a bingliushen wip but it’s in draft hell and will stay there#also i believe in soft bodied binghe. like he’s strong but comfy bc he has to let shizun hug him#danmei#mo xiang tong xiu#mxtx novels#mxtx svsss#mxtx fanart#scum villain self saving system#scum villain#svsss#svsss fanart#svsss meme#luo binghe#binghe#digital art#artists on tumblr#decaysart
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when you think about it, tgcf really wouldn’t have the same impact if xie lian didn’t cultivate through abstinence.
it’s funny because it’s not even relevant to the core of the plot itself; xie lian never uses his cultivation as a reason to stay away from hua cheng. he only reminds the reader of it when he drinks wine, which is pretty irrelevant anyway. but if it doesn’t impact his relationship with hua cheng then it must serve another purpose, otherwise it wouldn’t be here, because things in fiction don’t exist just for the sake of existing.
xie lian abstaining from earthly pleasures fits into the narrative of control, expectations, and divinity, the transcendance of his mortal body.
xie lian’s goal, very early on, is to become a god. and what are gods? above mortals. or that’s what everyone thinks, but not xie lian, not entirely at least. xie lian views godhood as a means to serve the people, not being above them. this is why he doesn’t think kneeling before gods is right, and why he doesn’t want his believers to kneel.
obviously, very few people agree with him and tell him how his godhood should be, even his own believers who think it’s stupid to not kneel before a god.
xie lian always saw godhood as a tool, and his body as a tool to reach godhood. xie lian is self-sacrificing in nature, and even if at first he doesn’t really know how much it takes, it reaches extremes once he is forced to self-sacrifice for a hundred people at once.
during that time, xie lian’s body and autonomy was taken from him. “this is what you want? then take it.” it makes it seem as though it was his choice. he wanted to help, so he got to help, he should be happy, right?
i often wondered why xie lian didn’t just say to hell with it and broke his cultivation through his eight hundred years of banishment. not once, as far as we know, does he willingly break it completely and irreversibly, even though he is shackled, even though he doesn’t even actively cultivate anymore.
i think it’s about control. during that time xie lian had very little control over his life.
godhood is about repressing your human traits. when he was a god, xie lian was asked not to care, not to intervene, not to help. he was asked to sit back and watch as his people suffered, as his kingdom threatened to fall. he couldn’t.
that’s why he couldn’t be a god. he realized that himself after almost releasing the resentful spirits on Yong’an. he ascended and asked to get bannished once again. all of what he did was too human, from start to finish, and he would never be fit for a god.
his cultivation was the third and last shackle, self-imposed from the start. the first shackle bound his spiritual power, the second his luck, and the third one his cultivation, asking him to repress his humanity.
this is why it’s important that xie lian makes the choice of breaking his cultivation for hua cheng. it’s an obvious choice when you understand all of this. hua cheng gave xie lian his autonomy back by letting him be himself and making his own choices, and trusting him with them. never did he doubt xie lian, never did he tell him what to do, even when he had his own opinion on the matter. hua cheng lets xie lian be. while supporting him through it all. he’s always behind him, no matter what happens, no matter whether xie lian does good or bad, he’ll always be there to catch him regardless of what he does, because he is there for who he is. he’s xie lian. he’s human. it doesn’t matter that he’s a god, a prince, a scrap collector, a curse.
and because xie lian has finally found someone who accepts him as a whole, can he finally let himself be whole and let go of the control he has on his body. he doesn’t have to hold back. he doesn’t have to try. he can indulge. he can be human. he can want. he can love. he can hurt. he can cry. he can laugh.
tl;dr: xie lian, once aware he has someone that will accept him, the whole of him, can finally let go of any artificial control on his self to fit in what the world expects of him
#tgcf#tgcf meta#tgcf thoughts#xie lian#mxtx#tgcf xie lian#mxtx tgcf#tgcf analysis#tgcf novel#tgcf spoilers#mine#wrote this so long ago it’s been sitting in the drafts
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