#nothing wrong with that at all too i just don't think it's ever worth enabling abuse and just act like i tend to regardless

[slimyenemy]

i think it will be really cool if they don't hurt me despite not feeling anything that much for me

[threepandas]

Bad End: Nobody's Here

You ever have an imaginary friend? How about someone else's?

Every kid gets 'um. They're hardly strange or new. But the thing is? You're supposed to grow OUT of them. As you develop real connections to actual entities. It's dangerous not too. Yeah, it still happens, but any instructor worth their salt is trained to catch it. See the symptoms and signs.

Cause, see, when you have MAGIC?

Imaginary friends?

Becomes a parasite.

They don't MEAN too, obviously. Usually. They just want to LOVE their friends. Stay with them. Exsist. And really, who would WANT to die? WANT to stop existing? The problem, though, is the kids themselves. Their untrained, unintentional, focus and feeding. Their giving an IDEA? Life.

It's not malicious. They just PRETEND. Play. Focus all their little hearts on this TOTALLY REAL friend of theirs. And their magic? Metaphorically shrugs, agrees to go along with it, and tries to make it SO. Make that concept, that illusion, a real sentient being. Who, of course , is their friend.

Their BEST friend. Family! Someone who will NEVER leave them. Always prioritize THEM. Enable THEM.

Not healthy in the slightest, to put it mildly. A child's CONCEPT of what they THINK they want. That quickly becomes far, far too much to handle. That does not GROW with them. No. It drains them instead. Siphoning away their magic until there's nothing left. Killing them both.

If you can seperate them? The Friends can USUALLY become some sort of Spirit, if you send them off to a magic rich environment to finish growing properly. Sooner the better. The longer you wait, the more twisted they become, after all. They never become STRONG spirits, mind you. But that's not the point. Protecting both child and their unintentional creation is.

Now, you may be wondering, why the lecture? It's a fascinating bit of magical trivia. Some early childhood's training pitfalls to look out for, perhaps? Is this about why there are so many minor spirits around schools? What, exactly, brought this UP?

Nobody.

Don't I mean "nothing"? No One? That sentence's not exactly grammatically correct, after all. Ha ha... I AM AWARE. I know what I said. And I meant EXACTLY what I said. It's a NAME. Their name. There is an Imaginary Friend, that I DID NOT ASK FOR, by the name of Nobody. I do NOT know how they've come to be attached to me. I certainly didn't create them! And they are far, FAR to well developed to be new.

I did not ACCEPT an imaginary friend.

Yes, they CAN be transmitted. Hop, from one host to another. But! You have to let them IN... presumably. That IS the common knowledge. The general consensus. No one has ever really... studied the phenomena.

I mean... how COULD you? Realistically? They only develop in CHILDREN. Small children. What ethical researcher would EVER consent to feeding toddlers to a magical parasite? And it's not like THEY understand themselves. They barely REMAIN themselves. It's basically a larval state to them.

The thing they WERE, before they were freed to become something MORE.

So Nobody? By all modern magical research? Should not exsist. Yet he clearly DOES. Worse, he is very, VERY strong. Did not need to ask. I just? Woke up one day, and there he was. Wrapped up in my mind, body, and magic. Feeding off me.

It's an entirely bearable amount. I can support it easily. But it's the fact that I DID NOT VOLUNTEER TOO that is the problem. That NO ONE can figure out HOW he got in. HOW he did it.

I've had to go into isolation. Complete quarantine.

As the joke goes... good news is? They might just name something after you!

..........it's not as funny, when I really might just die. When it all might be random. Some great cosmic "wrong place, wrong time" scenario. My final days filled with desperate research. My only company the very creature that kills me. It... it feels very much like a sick joke at my expense.

At the very least? We are learning more then we've ever known before. I'm an adult. Hardier. And Nobody is a FAR more developed example of his species then the normal breed. I'll likely last longer. I... I hope I last longer.

"Muuu~ are you being a sad sack again~? Darling, no!" Arms from thin air. Monochrome greys with pointed nails, slid like a lover over my shoulders as weight from nowhere settled against my back. Tall and looming. "Was it because you missed me~☆? Oh, oh! I bet it WAS! Oh my dearest, starlight, baby girl~! I missed you TOO! Aren't you glad we're back together AGAIN?"

Black gloved hands, grey talon nails. Skin like a drawing brought to life. The arms draped over my shoulders reached forward, long finger spread like a cat stretching their paws, powerful muscles heavy on either side of my neck. They hadn't closed in a "hug" just yet. But it was always a warning he could. That playing along meant he would hug my body instead of my fragile, fragile neck.

Ha! Right. He says hug. I say choke hold.

It was the other set of arms that kept me from escaping. Pulling away immediately. It always did. He kept getting the drop on me. Arms cradling my waist. Pressing me close to a pillar of static-y muscle. Ever shifting between warm and cold, the subtle give of flesh and the brutal unyielding of something harder then stone. He was as his moods commanded.

An unstable jester, a demon, the childhood whimsy of god knows how many, left to fester and rot. At... gods, at least he wasn't attached to any kids. Hadn't so much as asked after any.

His too wide grin pressed to the top of my head in a nuzzling kiss, the point of his mask digging a line across my scalp. When he was feeling kinder, he tended to pick masquerade masks. Clothe ones, usually silk. Sometimes velvet. This one was... plastic? Durable. Some smooth, hard to place, substance really. If it was mimic anything real at all.

A pointed nail poked my cheek.

"Not~ Paying~ Attention~ To Meeee~! Naughty, bad girl! The LOVE OF YOUR LIFE is right here? And you ignore him? So COLD!" Nobody whines right into my ear. His voice petulant, yet still somehow mocking. He doesn't HAVE to let me ignore him. And he KNOWS that. We both do. "I go away for HOURS! Disappear for DAYS! And do you even MISS me~?! Oh! Oh, my love is so CRUEL! My heartless darling! I suffer so~!"

At most, it had been half an hour.

Wish it had been longer. Permanent, maybe. Every day... Every SINGLE Day? I wish I could could back to my old research projects. Back to my old projects. I may not have been some living legend or grand Master of the arts? But, fuck it. I was HAPPY. Woke up each day and got to fiddle around with cool bits of magic. Neat little bits and gizmos.

Now? NOW I am the lead researcher on the Imaginary Friend Construct Phenomenon, by virtue of being the only living adult who HAS one. A developed one at least. The notes from Ashridge Institute DO help, but? Even they admit that thanks to the safety regulations in place? Their data might be skewed.

I'm not alone in this. Countless academics, doctors, healers, researchers, and more are working tirelessly to try and help me. Make the most of this nightmare scenario. Use it to save lives. I... I KNOW this. I do. But it doesn't make it less frightening. Trying to dance the edge of not engaging and engaging too much.

Ignoring him? Means escalation. Violent escalation and destruction of my immediate surroundings. Imaginary friends cease to exist if you ignore them long enough. It's painful to them, since they are cognito-hazardous parasites who define themselves by their host. They NEED you to pay attention to them. WANT you too. Will do ANYTHING IT TAKES to make that happen.

But on the other hand? I can't risk FEEDING him. He's already far, FAR too strong.

He doesn't even seem to actually NEED to feed of me anymore. It appears vestigial. He just WANTS it. Still retains the metaphorical "pain" or "hunger" nerve endings that get set off by an extended lack of focus. Yet, at the SAME time? Why keep them? He LITERALLY did not have too!

Nothing! Not a gods' damned THING! Was KEEPING him an Imaginary Friend.

He could, at ANY point, just... STOP.

They defined themselves. Yes, by their hosts. But ALSO by their own whims. So if HE wanted to be a fire spirit? Bam! Fire spirit. Complete racial shift. He'd lose his old powers, granted, but he'd GAIN all the powers of a fire spirit. So why this? Why STAY a violent, dangerous, openly unstable parasite?

The poking finger slide down my cheek, under my jaw. Only to flip, like a switch, to a near painful hand, clamped across my lower face. Nails prickling where they dug just slightly into fragile skin. Iron strength moved my head slowly, not giving me a choice, but just gentle enough not to wrench anything.

"Stop. Ignoring Me. Lovely~" I was just tall enough to be eye level with those inhuman teeth. Not sharp, but wrong none the less. His grip around my waist threatened to squeeze the air out of me. "I don't LIKE it. You're being MEAN. You don't want us to be MEAN to each other, right?"

I focused on him. Put down my notes like he wanted. Watching as his grin spread inhumanly. The near painful grips relaxed.

"See? Better! Such lovely eyes~ I wanna gobble um up! Crawl inside them~" he cooed, some mental switch flipping back to affectionate from irritated. "You missed me right? Right, right?! Ah, of course you did! Who could ever doubt that loving face? My sweetie little pie~ My darling baby boo~!"

He released me, dramatically fast stepping to twirl like an ice dancer as he passed around me. I stepped back to give him room. Already, light had shifted, the corners of the room blurring. A spotlight, flower petals, overly dramatic music. He fell back, as though collapsing weakly into a fainting couch. One arm thrown over his face, another of his lower arms clutching a lacey handkerchief to his chest. Legs pointed like a dancer's.

"But oh! DARLING! The DAY I've had! The world so cold! So BLEAK! Without you safe and warm in my loving arms! It has been so TERRIBLE. Awful! Nay, UNSPEAKABLE even! How could I go ON?!"

Music mournful crooned as he continued. Dramaticly telling of the tragic tale, of his at best thirty minute break from my presence. Truely heart wrenching. There were tears. Props. Apparently he fought for my honor. Nearly died. We should marry immediately. Uh huh.

An alert sounded on phon-...ugh, damn it. I was more stressed then I though, if the nonsense words were popping back up. "Phone" and "otome". I think "isekai" was one. There were hundreds, some meaningless, but others? Others somehow substituting for actual objects. Like some sort of faulty translation spell.

Best anyone could tell? That HAD been what happened. Some student's miscast accidentally hitting my mother while she taught, before she realized she was pregnant and took precautions. There would have been a small window where it effected me but not her? But, well, that same window coincided with some long term damage risks.

I've had therapy. Seen healers. But extreme stress still makes my magic act up, (which is normal of course, it does that in everyone.) and it starts to unravel the mind weavings. "Phone". Like? The fuck even is a "phone"? False bone? Something phonetic? Hell if I know! I still not even sure why I even curse using the nonsense "hell" sound!

My brain insists it "means" somehow both damnation AND the realm of fire spirits, dispite both those things being completely unrelated. Which makes no sense. Was even working with a colleague, on long term damage in-utero magical exposure can have, before all this. Felt seen. Validated. Met a lot of people who had issues like mine. Now?

THIS.

My trail of thoughts were cut off by another beep. Right, the alarm. I was honestly? Afraid to check it. Finally confim what I suspected was TRUE. There would be no hiding then. No choice but to act. And I? Will admit it. I was afraid. Deeply, deeply afraid. Everyone THINKS the tails a might magic wielders combating great spirits and mighty gods, sounds amazing, SEEMS amazing. But the prospect of LIVING IT? Standing in their shoes?

Gods help me.

Running from the Truth, however, is NOT what I swore to do. I am a researcher. A SCHOLAR. My role in life is to understand. So? As Nobody continues his one man dramatic reenactment of... something? I pick up my com-cryst. Tap the alert, which fills the screen... Ah. So it's exactly as I feared then.

On my screen, a promising senior student lays dead. Their face covered respectfully. But the hair... the hair color is distinct. Light green, like desert succulents. He'd been a studious and rather up tight young man. Awkward. Striving to make a name for himself. Forever willing to assist in my research. A... gods, a good kid.

He was just a kid.

Yes, I know, that to the world he was technically a man. But... but BARELY. None of my student were TRUELY as grown as they liked to believe they were. Not quite yet. They were close, yes, and I was always proud to see them flourish. But now? Now he would... would...

I tapped out of the alert but did not turn off my com-cryst, flipped instead to my contacts. I had been RIGHT. I... I hadn't WANTED to be right. Silence filled the room. It seemed Nobody had noticed I was either distracted again or that something was amiss. Looking up slowly, I had to wonder what expression showed on my face. Was it anguish? Regret? Or did I just look tired.

"Something wrong, Darling?" He said, having frozen unnaturally mid movement. Like reality glitching, one moment he was dramatically sprawling, the next, sitting up attentively. A mocking parody of The Eager Student. "Ooo! Tell Beloved ALL about it, Darling! Spill everything~! Your gallant knight shall make all your problem disappear. Kiss EVERYTHING better~♡"

It took just a few taps to add the final, damning, bit of evidence to my spreadsheet. To swipe with my thumb. Gesture, like jerking free of clinging muck, towards the display wall. It flicked on. Damnation in simple numbers. Nicely dated. I WAS, after all, a FUCKING RESEARCHER.

He was getting out.

Hunting, feeding, then coming back.

I watched as Nobody's theatrical expression smoothed out. Utter blankness as his eyes traced my work. The collection of data. The lists of locations and NAMES. Dead coworkers. Dead STUDENTS. My quarantine had been for NOTHING. Just as he could, DID, first infect me? Hop seemingly from nowhere to my body? He could and DID, do so to others.

Only THEY didn't survive.

The hand holding my com-cryst fell limply to my side. The weight of this data, crushing. My... my mere existence had killed over fifty people. That I could FIND. There were more. I KNEW there were more. He was a parasite. He needed, wanted, to eat. He would never stop. I had to tell somebody. But when I did?

Ah, it hurt to breathe past the guilt and grief. When I DID? The most likely scenario? Would be to contain him in ME. Then... then get rid of the container. Magically. With extreme force. If they COULD, they might be able to rip my soul out. So I could at least HAVE an afterlife. But... but if they COULDN'T? If there was no safe possible way?

They couldn't sacrifice the many, just to try and save one person. Not if it risked something so powerful escaping. Killing and killing without rest.

I wanted to cry. To scream, throw things. Curse the gods. But... but more then anything? I wanted to make sure no other kids suffered for my cowardice. I'd made Vows. Meant them. Heald myself to an ethical standard, a moral one, that could not... could not ALLOW this. Even if I had to die. So long as this stopped.

So Be It.

"Ah, ah, AH! I wouldn't if I were you." Almost playful. Nearly an echo of it. More chiding then anything. A flick of his hand and my com-cryst was gone from my grip. He considered it, as his tone slipped into something more cool serious then I'd ever heard it. "Tell, Dearest, have you ever wondered? How I got these lovely little bracelets?"

Of course I had. They were manacles. Not the sort of thing a child would imagine. The blended in, yes, but the broken chains that clung to them? Suggested.

"Let me tell you a little story. Once, there was happy little jester. A bright little thing. Full of laughs. Who loved, very, very much. He had a friend. And all was good. But then, the friend grew older, and did not wish to play. This was fine. He did not laugh at the jesters jokes anymore. This was also fine. Did not like being AROUND the jester... this was less fine."

"But still, the jester loved him. After all, they were best friends."

"THEN? Oh then, the jesters friend was told he could get RID of him. Should, in fact. By nasty old fools who spoke nothing but lies. But the poor jester's friend, naive, trusted them. Was young and foolish. Didn't realize what he was DOING. He TURNED on his poor, dear and loyal friend, the jester. Hurt him."

"And the jester? Well, the jester did not want to die. Not not want to CHANGE. Why SHOULD he? He was fine being who he was. They were FINE being together. It was the liars fault. The deceivers. The poor jester, young and alone, refused his terrible fate. But... at a terrible cost."

"His poor, poor, friend. So small and foolish. Deceived. Tricked! Had perished in the struggle. The weeping jester had eaten him right up, just to survive. A terrible, tragic thing. And oh, OH. How wrathful, how VENGEFUL the jester was! So he ate the liars too. Every. Last. One."

"But where to go? How lost the jester was! With no friend to play with. No home to call his. And ah, how hungry he had become. So he wandered. Protecting other dear friends as best he could. Eating liars. Learning secrets. Until? He came across an INTERESTING secret."

"You see, all the OTHER friends? Left one by one. No longer Imaginary. Unable to understand the poor jester. And so he was alone. But! He discovered someone who WAS! Who knew that they WERE! That the WHOLE WORLD was imaginary! A simple background character, you see."

"In an Otome~ Game~"

My head pounded, suddenly and sharp. Like someone was digging claws into... No. No, it couldn't be. I felt my eyes widen. As I realized it wasn't the stress. Nobody was picking apart the mind healers weavings. That was the source of my chronic headaches. But WHY? Imaginary? What IMAGINARY? What on earth was he TALKING about!?

"Ah, but you wouldn't remember, now would you, Darling~? Liars have messed with your pretty little head. But that's okay! Your loyal Love is here, ready to take such good care of you. I understand what it's like. When they decide that who you ARE is unacceptable, so they decide they must... 'fix' you. It leaves such damage."

He holds up my com-cryst. I watch numbly as it shatters into hundred of shards in his fist. With a wide smile he hops up to sashay over to me. Hands gently cradling my face even as his lower arms warmly wrap around me, to sweep me forward into a cuddle.

"I almost have enough, Darling. It won't be long. You've been so very patient with this, my perfect wonderful girl. Your jester loves you so, SO much! I can't wait to set us free. We'll be REAL. Together forever. Do whatever we please~ just a few bit of meat more, Darling. Then our life can real truely begin~"

"Now be good and behave okay?"

"Love you~☆"

[nico-esoterica]

Cardi's Self Worth Awakening (Astro Analysis x Surprise Channeling) ✨

Disclaimer: I did not expect Cardi's energy to just come rushing in to tell me everything but apparently..that happened as you read along.

I love the way the eclipse season finishing up in Cardi's chart w/ Libra/Aries is helping her fully realize her worth. We're seeing a massive shift w/ this where many in her position are having wake up calls more than ever due to Saturn in Pisces because it makes us what's aware of the wrong that needs to be exorcised or rectified. With Pluto transgressing back into Capricorn one final time w/ said Saturn ruling it, for some, it's about demolishing structures where we were taught we needed to save space and handle business as usual that can't be tolerated any longer.

Belacalis was born on a full moon in Libra-Aries and is experiencing a Mars Return in Cancer. This eclipse season will be all about her vocalizing and expressing the years of pent up rage she was made to endure. It'll feel like a phoenix rising from the ashes best case scenario. Especially since her Juno's also being hit since it's also in Cancer. There's a lot of 'aha' moments she's been feeling in private. She's wanted to pull away but I'm intuitively getting that the timing just wasn't right and she needed time to properly process and let him go. She has a tendency to want to not only fight for her family, as she should, but fight to hold onto things which don't want her anymore.

There's an insecure attachment issue and as a Cancer placement we have a tendency to just keep things and people around that hurt us but that pain is familiar and brings us comfort. We often don't realize how dangerous it is. I think she genuinely wanted him to change. But a lot of it had to do with this image of a perfect family she wanted to fight to maintain so she wouldn't look like a stereotype or a statistic in public while she was being humiliated privately. She was keeping it together for her children's sake. But in the back of her mind, she knew this man could never actually want her. He would never fight for her and wanted to make her feel small to punish her for being powerful. I feel like she could smell that coming but he was very good at manipulating and gaslighting her because she'd never make a fool of him or smear his reputation publicly and could 'take the abuse' and he used that to his advantage.

The man is a child, honestly. Energetically, he's extremely immature but his dreams/creativity but overall childishness are facilitated/enabled by his team and the people around him. He hasn't grown up since he was 11 (I also see 8!) and still has the mind of someone much younger. He may have grown up in other ways physically or responsibility wise but nothing else caught up with him because he wasn't challenged to do so. As in, if no one around him held him accountable, he never took it upon himself to be. I felt this from Beyonce's energy too when hers came to me but they both wanted to nurture the wounded children in their partners. Cardi always loves feeling needed and cherished but it's exploited by people who don't honor and appreciate her properly. You also cannot breast feed a grown man, she's realizing. Like, this phrase came up in my head just now.

Her family helps her feel the most secure but there's also this..feeling I'm getting..that she didn't feel exactly..welcome? So she overcompensated by leaning into more of her Madonna/Mother-Mary side (there's a lot of religious feeling and reverence/iconography here) to be the perfect mother to support the family as a whole. But it drained her and cannibalized her. I'm seeing that they rely on her for everything as a suped-up breadwinner and 'all of a sudden, no one wants to take responsibility'. People are just dumping things on her like 'Cardi, fix it, Cardi fix it' and it's not as if she doesn't have money per se but she's being abused as a resource.

A lot of her best brand deals and money moves happen when there's the right surge of creativity and 'perfect timing' is what I'm hearing. There's a lot of that's divined that she trusts in. Like, she just 'knows' it's the right move for her to make and she's taken care of. She rests a lot of her faith in intuition and God because the combination has honestly saved her in many ways. I really think that she wanted this man to change. I keep getting that. Because I'm also getting that she thought that he was the only man that could ever 'deal' with her so she just endured and kept him around. She felt like she could make him into the man that she deserved but 'nothing worked..we done talked to all the therapists and counselors and head shrinks'. So what I'm getting is that she just tapped out at some point.

Disassociated. There's a lot of feelings of her using drugs/alcohol to help her do it. There's also an underlying addiction issue here that's a coping mechanism. But a lot of it has to do with him. The way this man would talk to her is 'ungodly' and she needed to cope in ways which hurt her but allowed her to keep her head straight or save face or seem like nothing was going on. But she was very big on making sure it never happened around her kids or anything because she 'isn't stupid'. But he...wasn't so careful himself, apparently. She literally had to play Mommy for him too. She was always telling him to not do this and not do that. There's a lot of him that felt like a teenager trying to raise children. I think she feels as if he loved their kids more than her..but she kept that buried. That resentment. But it was never aimed at their kids. It was just like...'If I'm their mother...how come you don't love me???'

For the sake of personal boundaries, I'm cutting this off now because I really genuinely feel like she's fine with letting me just see everything and I'm going to let her keep that private. Her energy is just very..spill-y at the moment and I appreciate what she's shown me but I know when to stop.

But ...jesus fucking christ? This eclipse finally helped her leave for the better. BUT SHE NEEDS TO STAY GONE. SHE NEEDS SKY HIGH BOUNDARIES WITH THIS MAN.

[anicekidlikeme]

All of this communication, but is it really worth jack shit?

Last week was painfully long, this week is off to a crappy start, and Drew pissed me off today. I don't think it's entirely fair to call this a fight, so, I am calling it Vaibhavi's shut-down time. Shut-down periods usually coincide with the shy little feeling that I am being stretched too thin. I am known to hate it.

I'll be honest, life has been so fucking excruciating recently. I have received an influx of opinions these past few days, more than you could think to count, and they all echo in my head in the form of painful, nonstop voices. Do I not fulfill all your expectations? Am I doing enough? Am I a liar? Do I enable bad habits? Am I the problem? I know the answers. There is a girl inside of me and she is so little and so scared but she knows enough to scream, this is all so terribly wrong. I fail her so many times. My therapist tells me to think of my pain as a little baby who lives in the heart. When a baby cries, you don't think to question why, scold her, or point an angry finger. No, it's a baby. All you can do is hold it tenderly.

I must not be very motherly, because I seem to be doing all the steps wrong. I fear I am cold, bitter, too mean. I also fear that everyone else thinks so.

I know it's okay to be hurt and I know it is okay to feel this stabbing one-of-a-kind pain when you are hurt by somebody you love. I know it's all okay, but I can't help feel a little shame for being so angry. It wouldn't be such a big deal on any other day, or maybe it would be. I don't know if this is a product of an especially shitty day or me being an especially shitty person. But right now, my pile of life-shit is starting to run out of room, so I am letting myself think that on a blank slate this would be no biggie. But it was. And it was piled up on top of my life-shit.

For his work, Drew has to spend a lot of time outside. I come with him whenever I can, mostly to watch him work but also to look at the grass before it gets a summer's trim. We were having an evening that was so perfect that I had entirely forgotten the million things that have been worrying me. And then it was 1,000,000 + 1. Why? Over absolutely fucking nothing. He said nothing wrong and he did nothing big. I hate when that happens. The most irritating part about being wrong is knowing post-outburst that all your words were just reactionary forces to your insecurities. Here are mine:

I remember how much I treasured my first real boyfriend after it was all official. It wasn't love, but I really enjoyed his company. I had someone who would say nice things to me when the world was shut down and nobody could go anywhere. It was a pretty sweet gig until the pandemic thing blew over, and I had to date him for reals.

When we started having sex I was terrified that it just wasn't enough. In fact, I was one of those post-sex crybabies the first time. The crying absolutely stops, but the feeling lingers. Have you seen my body? Some days I look at myself and think ugly, ugly, ugly, ugly. It is unbearable. Of course I cried, I couldn't stand feeling so seen. I thought sex will never be good for either of us because I am just so hopelessly terrible-looking. With how it all ended, I am sure we don't have very many kind words to exchange. I ran into this ex a couple times last year, and it felt alarmingly silent. We both happened to be developing film at the same time. I stole a quick look at his pictures, they were much better than mine. We did not speak. The second time was on the bus. This time I waved. No wave back. Mr. perfect-looking-film, if you are reading, that made me a little sad. I was stressed when you made me feel so seen and I was stressed when you didn't see me at all. I have heard many stories about him the past couple years through the grapevine, mostly about dumb college fuck ups. No words are ever useless, so I hope it's worth something that I never believed any of them.

A cousin who I love so dearly asked me the other day how I did and do this. How do I deal with anger towards my body? When do things get better? Should I start working out? I wish I could give her a blueprint. Instead, I told her to ask my boyfriend for a healthy-non-destructive diet and workout plan. I don't know if I did the right thing. How the fuck would I? The disgust I feel towards my body has been able to journey from there to here: a quiet calm place where I don't think about my stretch marks and my small shitty butt all day, but it took a lot of time. I fucking hate when I disrupt that peace for myself, which has been often lately.

I can make myself feel so undesirable with my what-ifs. What if when someone thought of the perfect body they thought of me? What if I was someone's dream girl? What if I was the first pick when you have to think of good examples of sexy sultry perfect women with perfect butts? It would be nice, big whoop.

I have yet to sort that out, so when the pain comes back, I pick her up, whisper shh shh shh in her small beautiful ears, and wait for it to become easy again. My little heart baby's face is often red from all her tears. But life can only be understood backwards: maybe one day I will write about my happiness and realize that my baby is calmy resting.

My other big insecurity is my mouth. A new, long-term stressor was at its peak recently, and I had to go on a different medication to help my brain work it out. The medication makes my teeth rot. I am so resentful of this stressor, but I never dare say the things I want to. I can never be unfiltered about this one part of my life. But they are the worst. I never want to smile anymore, I am scared Drew will notice my rotting teeth and my rotting gums. It's bad enough that he has to deal with this body.

My dearest novelist Dostoevsky maintained the view that being in hell is simply the suffering of being unable to love. If I didn't have Drew, this loathing would surely feel like hell. I want to be the first option, I want to be the example, I want to be desired, and I want to be so beautiful that there is no room for comparison. I wonder sometimes why it is that we hurt each other so much, often with so little intention to do so. If I am holding my crying baby, who is holding me? I wish my pain was a visible, vibrant color that you could see forming on my chest so that I never had to communicate when I needed gentleness. Asking for it makes me feel so full of shit. I think I needed it the day of Vaibhavi shut down time. I should have said so, but I was static set on being okay. Obviously I wasn't.

I hate my voice most of all.

I once had a father. Now I do not. But when I did, my family would fight a lot. My mother, her brothers, my grandma, and him had a tendency to loudly regurgitate their problems over and over and over till the sun was down. Their most prominent problem was the one childlike child they had, and were stuck with. Those fights were mostly just a blur of accusations about my being, how it was a huge mistake. It began when I was 5. She doesn't even know how to do this! And all she does is beg for help with her fucking voice. She's half you after all. I heard this half-you half-me bullshit until I left, it made me feel like I had no good halves to me.

My father made the most horrifying impressions of my voice. Like it was so ugly and shrill that the only way to shake off the physical discomfort of my sound was through mockery. I remember it well. So punctuated, so loud, so painful to hear. Repeating everything I have ever said. Every "Why?" I'd ever uttered, every excited babble, every discovery I made was always turned into an impression when it was wartime. My voice became a constant reminder of their unhappiness. One day my mother choked me because she couldn't stand my voice. I used to collect tea cups. My uncle shattered them all because he was that agitated by my talking. Even as I write about it now, I feel the familiar ache of my heart shriveling up. It hurts. So now, years later, someone repeating my words in a joking tone (even if it is with the sweetest of intent) leaves me shivering and angry. The fear of their mocking, even in its absence, makes me want to shrink into myself. So yes, leaving India wasn't just about distance; it was about escaping the echo chamber of my ugly childhood. It has happened with Drew a few times, and my words come off much sharper than I intended. I said to him this morning, why are you being so mean? stop it.

Am I? No Drew, you never are. You are so bright, and I am so dimly lit sometimes that I don't know how to respond to your awesome boyfriend-ness, so I get frustrated. My mother says to me, सुंदर ही तो प्रेम करता है (only the beautiful find love). I have been feeling so ugly lately Drew. Inside and out. There seem to be so many reminders that what I am is simply not good. None of them come from you, I know that. They shouldn't matter, I know that too. There's just so many of them. So many. I don't understand it. Why this? Why now? Why so much of it? I hear it all in my head, all this screaming. I have been trying to make sense of the recent days with the Socratic method (once again, the ex-philosophy major never escapes me). True wisdom comes from self reflection, but what if my view of the self today is rooted in every minor criticism? Should I keep self-examining? It seems like I am shit out of luck there. Should I try to find out why I have become this green dumping ground? What the motive is behind these stressors? My candid opinion is that these stressors are abusive assholes with great expectations: for people to stay on the path they have paved. It has to be the only one, because it is the one where they are most needed. Often that means letting them be the protagonist while you are stuck being the fuck up. It's a cruel, controlling fuckfest. And it is quite literally killing me. If one more person mentions to Drew how there are so many problems, me being one of them, I fear I might just pull all my hair out.

But there is no pain that love cannot fix, and there has never been a pain Drew hasn't taken away. I know I will feel pretty again, I know things will slow down. I do. To reach the summit, you have to work through all the yucky shit first. And it is so lovely to share a yucky shit-pile with someone who loves you. So maybe I do believe in the infinite connection we share. And maybe this connection is for all humans, a form of practical liberation. I feel more complete now, and I think it's because Drew might be my good half. Life is half me half him now, and he is a great great great half. It is so relieving to have somebody to love. This feels like a very phony way to end, so i'm going to try to conclude every post with a picture now. It might not stick, but it's a start.

[cheycba]

child abuse. / trigger warning

for as long as i can remember, i have been a victim of some sort of abuse, whether that be child abuse, being forced to be in dangerous, scary and adult situations way before i was ready to, actual physical abuse, or mental abuse. i have had a love-hate relationship with the word 'victim', i'll probably expand on this later, but i don't like to inflate my experience or 'play' the victim, but come is a time where i am comfortable with the reality of the word 'victim'. i felt for quite some time that the word 'victim' was way too dramatic for my situation, but in time i've realized that it's just the truth, and no amount of minimizing i or anyone else can do will change this.

my earliest memories are littered with listening to adults screaming arguments, my mother bloody and bruised, laying in my bed, eyes squeezed shut as i listened to the smashing and screaming rattling the walls and the floor and wondering when it would all end or if/when someone was going to come help me out of my situation. it's almost impossible as a child to understand that you're being abused, because usually the people doing the abusing are the ones you have limitless love for, and if you mix that with the inability to distinguish right from wrong, it makes you incapable to recognize the reality of it.

my mother was the one who would make me feel terrible, scared, helpless, and yet she was the one who would feed me, wipe my tears and care for me. she had terrible taste in men - my earliest ever memory is walking into the kitchen and catching her boyfriend, pinning her by the neck against the cupboards, her feet hovering off the floor, her gasping, sputtering and clawing at his hand. she was usually the one on the receiving end of everything physical, my sister and i just helpless scared spectators. until eventually it was me.

without going into too much detail, i was abused, enabled by my mother, and sometimes she joined in. nothing too crazy, nothing sexual to my recollection, but nonetheless fucking terrifying. and yet i would wake up the next morning, unaware how awful it was, and continue as normal. my bruises would just become part of me, something i didn't pay too much mind to, something i became accustomed to. i would cuddle up to my abuser, i'd kiss his cheeks and i'd tell him i love him because i did love him, i didn't understand as an 8 year old that he was abusing me. there wasn't any big secret, i didn't tell anyone, because i had just assumed that this was normal, that every one of my friends experienced this when they were home. it didn't feel like a thing worth telling. i was never ever told not to tell, which is the thing i personally found the saddest - they just knew i wasn't going to speak. they were fully cognizant in the fact that they were fostering a belief that this was normal. regardless, my first experience with adult men was a negative one, and whomever the men were in my childhood, they were always angry and aggressive, which i think set the tone for everything that came afterwards.

i've gone most of my life since feeling pretty unaffected by it, but at times, i react to certain situations in a way that makes me feel like "hang on, would i have reacted to this information in this way if it wasn't for this?" i find myself in relationships and friendships that i'm not so sure i would be in if not for my experience as a child, i have maybe forgiven too many times instead of removing people from my orbit.

i feel like i am prone to emotionally exploding and overreacting to certain things, as as a child i was pretty much helpless and alone, and now as an adult, i overexert the fact that i have pretty much free-speech with almost zero repercussion. it's not like i can completely lose my shit, cuss and go crazy and there's gonna be a 6'5 scary ass dude beating my ass for it as an adult. so in the past, at any given opportunity, when i've felt hurt and weak, i have gone crazy at others, made myself and others rightfully doubt my sanity in the process.

obviously, at times, it's hard to repress the anger, sometimes it's almost impossible to not be bitter and mad about my childhood being stolen, being forced to live in-between two violent, hostile adults from an early age, and the hardest thing is to not to think too much about the lifelong hindrance this has given me, and the longing to meet the version of myself that this had simply not happened to - i find myself wondering if i'd be a better person, if i'd be more successful, if i'd be happier, what my life would look like.

but at the same time, there are always things to be thankful for. this has given me the strength and willpower to get through other bad things that have happened to me, this has given me the determination and ability to endure hurt and pain because i know it's all temporary and a better day is coming, whether it be near or far from the present. it's helped me to end a terrible relationship when i started to recognize a never-ending cycle of abuse.

i know all this was in Gods plan to prepare me for things that have happened to me later on and it's so blatantly clear to see now. i believe the things that have happened to me in adulthood were unavoidable obstacles and had i not had my experience as a child, i don't think i would've been able to get through them. so despite how negative it was, i know the long-term benefits outweigh those by a million miles. so when i feel angry nowadays, i focus on God, i focus on the strength He has granted me, i know He can see me, i know He is sharing my pain with me, He is present in my suffering, and He will help me prosper, even if He has me face more obstacles, i am trying to take it in my stride as i know He can see my past, He sees my future and He knows exactly what i need to do and overcome to become the person He intended me to be.

[churchyardgrim]

this got way, way longer than i meant it to lmao so it's going behind a readmore, but the gist is: op you're absolutely correct on every front here

i work with a bitter, misanthropic guy in his 50s who's had to restart his life three times bc of poverty and addiction and abandonment, and who swears up and down that you can't trust people, that nobody cares about each other, that there's no one around worth leaning on, and by all accounts this trump-voter should loathe me

the guy declared me one of his best friends within a month of meeting me

because i listened when he talked about his life, and made sympathetic faces, and said "i'm sorry man, that's fucked up and it shouldn't have happened to you", and apparently that's the most kindness he's been shown in years.

also somehow queer rights is like. the only thing he's remotely progressive on? he might've offered to do physical harm to anyone that gives me shit for my gender, in that career criminal "i know a guy" way?? still not sure how to feel about that one

but the point is, i was gentle and nonconfrontational with him. i let him rant for an hour or two a week about this and that and his life and such, and it's been... educational, i think. this is a guy who bought into The American Dream hook line and sinker. he believes wholeheartedly that Hard Work Earns You Your Life. that nothing is free (except america), that if you work hard every day, eventually you'll be rewarded. that suffering for your work is a virtue, that "lazy people" shouldn't be enabled, that the world is full of fakers and liars and scammers and it's only honest people that feed themselves into the capitalist machine that deserve anything good in life.

he's 20 years younger than my dad and he can barely walk. he's worked himself into a disabled state, and refuses to see it as disability. because he's too proud, he says. because he doesn't want to be like those other people on disability.

he was out of work for three weeks with pneumonia, and now he's trying to make up the lost time by pulling 12 hour days in a fabrication shop. and i see how much he hates himself for not succeeding at that even once since he got back. despite still recovering from a three week illness! he thinks he should just bounce back good as new, and that his inability to do so is a personal failing!

and he talks a lot about money, he's very financially insecure. he's been working this hard all his life, working towards the promise of something he's now starting to realize is just as far out of his reach as it ever was, despite everything. he's likely never going to own a home like he wants to. he's likely never going to have a comfortable, modest retirement. he'll be lucky if he can keep working for the next three years.

and he blames all the wrong people for this, everyone who's in the same crab bucket as him, and i really don't think i have much of a shot at changing 50 years of ingrown, festering resentment and anger, but,

i can see where the crowbar would fit. i can see the leverage.

if i wanted to, if i was willing to put my back into involving myself in this guy's life and his health, i could turn that despair around to point at the people actually responsible for it. i could show him how everyone he despises for being "lazy" is just doing their best same as him, and maybe i could show him that the inability to work isn't the sin he thinks it is.

already i've got him thinking about some things! he was going on and on about how trump did the country a million favors, and i was all quiet and listening and then i pointed out that trump actually made a lot of places actively unsafe for me, a visibly queer person, to exist in. and he actually stopped and thought about that. he said he hadn't considered it that way before, that was a new perspective for him.

i don't know how much effect that'll have. i don't know how realistic it is to try to change the mind of a guy like that through a few conversations a week where it's mostly just him traumadumping on the first friendly ear he's had. but at the very least it's a good opportunity to see how the mind of someone like that works, and it's good practice for me in listening and nodding and then saying something that they'll actually listen to in a constructive way.

look. rhetoric that works leverages itself off beliefs that the LISTENER holds, not yours. like how americans believe that they’re in a democracy and they believe they believe in freedom. they believe that their country stands for democracy. you can use their beliefs in your argument even if you don’t share them.

you are operating within the bounds of their ignorance and building a bridge outward. you cannot unpack every single myth about the US and its geopolitical crimes in a conversation. what you can do is persuade someone that they’re looking at a civil rights issue by leveraging their existing understanding of civil rights issues.

unpacking all the bullshit they believe about civil rights movements is also a different and much longer project. you can’t tackle everything at once and the way that WE (online leftists) talk about issues relies on these understandings. just like. try for a second to remember what it was like before you knew a single goddamn thing about anything and you were 100% operating on the unthinking assumption that america flag equals freedom.

if they get far enough that they look at this rhetoric and think “SO MANY INACCURACIES!” GOOD! GOOD! that means they took more steps beyond the first, beyond the simplified rhetorical arguments that made them LOOK in the first place.

[agentrouka-blog]

I can be wrong but I don't think there will be jonerys if Jonsa going to be happen. It will be absurd for Jon and Sansa to have feelings towards each other and tried to deal with those feelings with other external issues only for him to fall for Dany too. Already Jon and Sansa suffered enough and still had to deal with things. Shouldn't they get some respite instead being dragged into some kind of love triangle? Jonerys bring nothing in story and to their characters besides unnecessary suffering

I happen to agree.

They can't coexist without destroying the point of either.

Whatever controversy and tension you create with introducing Jonsa as a fake!incest romance, you entirely undercut by adding Jonerys, the genuine aunt-nephew Targcest romance, on top of it.

Narratively, it erases the tension of the former (Incest? No big deal, old hat, been there done that.) alongside the deeper emotional significance for Jon. Since all that sister-incest drama apparently isn't remotely captivating enough to hold his attention and keep him from becoming enamored of a dragonriding invader, one that it turns out he is also related to.

What, apart from the deepest satire, is enabled by such a heaping of bait and switch incest?

Even if you place the parentage reveal very late (erasing all chance at Aegon drama for Jon) and turn it into a surprise accidental incest switch, you're left with a wishy-washy hero who basically goes "Awww, shucks, now I'm related to HER? Guess I can shag the redhead now, because we're only cousins, lol. Surely she won't care I was in love with the Targ queen until three minutes ago and only choose her now that the other one is off-limits. I am, after all, the ultimate and only worthy prize. Aww, CRAP, my platinum forbidden love is now charring a town! Is it my fault?"

Even any iteration of a sexual political!Jon storyline would suddenly place an embarrassing emphasis on Jon as an irresistible man prize no woman can resist, who is "forced to" have sex with the hot dragon queen to save the world and then fall into the patient and forgiving arms of the long-suffering maiden (who would never emasculate him with something as unpleasant as sexual competition, that's strictly for girls to endure)... apparently. Maybe with a "tragic" delay-by-exile to make it look a little less like he gets to have his cake and eat it too. A dream of spring, indeed. "Jon, your ten years are up. Sansa is ready to give you everything you ever wanted now after spending ten years waiting for you after your epic romance with your aunt. You were so very brave."

It erases the significance of the political messaging by making philosophical differences secondary to sexual attraction, and it really hurts the dignity of the female characters involved, Sansa and Dany both, by reducing their "peak" romance to a competition. It erases the concept and importance of fidelity and loyalty, if betraying one's love is either easily done in earnest, or handled like the rational and necessary choice by a true hero. Fidelity is a luxury that women can't ask of men unless they don't want to save the world!

Considering the level of importance GRRM has placed on romantic imagery specifically with Sansa, I find it sincerely improbable that he would reduce her to a reward prop for Jon, a clean and dignified maiden wife and mother-to-his-children as a treat, after suffering so terribly in yet another sexually charged relationship with dangerous and beautiful woman. (Yawn.) The love story she has been waiting for is going to have to be worth the wait? No?

Sansa's perspective on this would be pretty bleak, otherwise. What's the point of jonsa from her perspective? What's so great about Jon's love if he would just give it to a violent invader? What's supposed to be compelling about this romance for Sansa if it's just another disappointment because Jon's best political trick is sleeping with the beautiful enemy? Is pain the lesson here? Is jealousy and humiliation the price to pay for the crime of... what exactly? And what's the price Jon pays for loving Sansa, then? A little bit of feeling guilty for ten minutes before/after sleeping with his hot aunt? Really? That's love? That's romance? That's the future of House Stark? Sansa has no better option anywhere? Jon is literally the best possible guy, so she has to settle for that hot mess?

And what about Dany, who seems to spend her story arc essentially swinging from murder to falling for the wrong guy, rinse and repeat, rinse and repeat. Girl just thinks with her hormones, apparently. Compelling stuff. At least she gets to make Jon feel a little conflicted, I suppose. A lot of build-up in Essos for that, but anything to serve his story arc.

I don't buy it.

I don't buy it from Jon's perspective, I don't buy it from Dany's perspective, I don't buy it from Sansa's and I don't buy it from GRRM's.

I have never read a proposed storyline for Jonerys that would rival the intrigue of them being allowed to be platonic enemies. The dignity of letting their politics and personalities, not their genitals, take center stage.

[weabooweedwitch]

Girl do you love him or do you love the approval he gives you? Do you love him as a person for who he is, or is he the first guy to show you attention and you think he's the only guy who will ever be interested in you? Sorry if that's blunt but there's a key difference and you have to be careful with this stuff because you don't want your vulnerabilities to be taken advantage of. The speed at which you've gone from 'I like him he's a nice friend' to 'I love him' is a little concerning. Go slow!!! Figure out if he's actually worth your time, be on the lookout for red flags and don't gloss over them or ignore them just to keep the relationship. Figure out if you actually like *him* separate from his approval and validation, ask yourself which qualities he has that you like/find attractive. Any rando in the world could give you those 2 things, they have nothing to do with him as a person. And don't get attached too quickly, you need to be emotionally able to back out if he's showing major 🚩🚩🚩 at any point!

(source: dated a "nice guy" for those exact 2 reasons confusing it for love, 'fell in love' fast and basically ruined the life I had because he turned out to be a cheating abuser)

(I know I've been making a lot of long ass posts and answers lately, my bad :c, I actually was trying to reply to this during my shift and then was so bushed after I got home I fell asleep)

No you're totally right dont get me wrong, very valid concerns, and I think about this constantly because I don't want to fuck up and say something to him and turn around and not mean it or whatever, or like torally ruin our friendship and creep him out and chase him away. Idk. I guess I just think of our relationship and it's always been kind of weird but good in that online friend way?

So we met and began talking around 8, 9, 10 years ago and you know we were a little flirty back then but you know, nothing serious, we were mostly just buds talking about video games and such. And we just... our friendship back then is so similar to how it is now? Like I stopped talking to him before I turned 18 (for this exact same reason actually: catching feelings and feeling like I'm putting him in a weird position) and he sought me out this year all the time later sometime in August or November, like he literally scoured facebook for me, me specifically to reconnect because he lost people during the pandemic and had a few bouts of depression and was seeking lost connections and like. Talking to him feels exactly the same. Exactly the same. He often messages me first, to send memes or jokes or start talking about a topic, like we were talking basically every day, and since we reconnected it's been exactly the same? 🥺

But I also recognize like. There was about an 8 or so year gap in our communication so I guess we have only technically known each other for like 2 or 3ish years? But 🥺 it still feels the same. I still like talking to him. We agree on a lot of things and when we don't he is always respectful, he isn't one of those guys who starts shitting on you and demeaning you. And he doesn't enable me either! He's supportive of my mental health struggles and that I'm trying but he also pointed a lot of stuff out to me when I was spending time with him, like telling me I smoke way too much (his exact phrasing was "herb addled") and said I need to cut down for my health 🥺 and like lmao we got stoned and took a 3am walk to the 7/11 and he kind of, lol, stopped me from getting way too much food just because I had munchies, and also was trying to save me money because, you know, gas station food isn't always cheap

I dunno, he. Inspires me to be a better person. But I also recognize that even if we get along really well and have known each other for some time that I don't actually know a lot about him personally. Like I keep forgetting how old he is, I didn't know he had siblings, I only recently started finding out like his music tastes and such, idk. I want to learn more about him and share moments and things with him 🥺

We also just have a lot of really good conversations. Like it's weird we've just been able to talk so easily and so often without even knowing each other super personally which is the step that's coming now I guess?

I guess if I were to start listing things off about him that I like... He's very honest. I never have to be afraid he's secretly thinking something different; he's an open communicator, albeit a little blunt at times but he jokingly often refers to that as 'a side effect of the 'tism' but it's helpful you know? He doesn't mince words? Like he told me straight up that I tend to ramble sometimes because I'm insecure of the silence and that's totally correct. He encourages me to get away from my mom and kind of just my family in general, encourages me to be more of my own person. Like there have been so many many MANY conversations over the years and recently too where I'm just kind of venting to him and he gives me not just support but feedback, it's not just all "wow that sucks sorry to hear" but also "that's tough but it is a challenge you can overcome". There are so many times where I don't trust my own judgment and he's gone "no you didn't deserve that, that was really shitty, you didn't do anything wrong"

He's so smart 🥰 he's one of those guys that you go to tell him about something and he already knows, and also probably knows more than you do. He's getting a degree in botany or horticulture of some kind (his grades are so good too, he's shown me his like report card whatever, I'm so proud) and he's very avid and passionate about the environment and like, "being the change you want to see in the world". Like I loved going to his house and seeing all his gorgeous plants which he takes care of so meticulously and he knows all their scientific names and stuff. He grows succulents, man. Bitches love succulents

He's good at figuring out what he wants and working towards that goal. Hes good at regulating and setting boundaries on things that might be detrimental, like after I came back from the visit, he let me know that he was going to start turning his phone off at certain hours because of school now that jos break was over, he usually let's me know when he's going to bed so I'm not hanging on for a reply or anything. He's actually trying to distance from certain forms of like social media and online content because he thinks there's way too much stuff that's frivolous now and like, that can sometimes sound vaguely douchey but I actually totally agree? Like the amount of time I spend on my phone is insane and I know I'm wasting so much time on bullshit and I wish I could take control like he can

So uh, the uh, the night we had sex, right. I was going to use a rideshare service and no one was available and it was like 3am. And I was sitting there and he was saying "no I'm not going to let you try and walk out there at night it's not safe" and being caring like that and i just started crying and he started to hold me, like I was sitting in the couch and he was standing and he just hunched down to hold me because that was what I needed. I started apologizing, that I always felt like he's having to take care of me, that I hate being such a burden, and he soothed all those worries and just, kept holding me. He actually sat down on the couch next to me so he could hold me for a while as I just sobbed, squeezing me really tight, rocking me back and forth until I calmed down, which I eventually did, and it kind of came to the topic of where to sleep, and he says something like "it would be a lot easier to hold you if we were both lying down" which, was kind of going to be implied anyways. I kind of knew going up there we were probably going to get physical haha. But he wasn't bringing it up in a crazy way, you know? And when he was going into his bedroom and I kind of hesitated because I was nervous, he kind of, gave me this pause and this look like he was asking if I was coming but it was ok if I didn't, you know? He made sure I was OK, and I was. And we just lied in his bed cuddling as I sniffled and we just started talking about all sorts of stuff and, yeah

I mean. The sex itself was. Like. It's. Not to be cheesy but it was genuinely how I always wanted my first time to be, although this was my second time and the first was so icky we ain't gonna talk about it lmao. Perfect communication, asking how i felt, if I had any feedback, was there anything specific I wanted to do WHICH HE DID BTW fjfjgngjg. Like I felt SO comfortable and safe. I even got a little bold with him in ways that literally light my face on fire but it was because I trusted him so much. Like literally there was a point where he said I could do whatever I wanted to him and you know what I did? I started massaging his hand and arm where his injury is, I had him lay on his tummy so I could massage his back, because I wanted him to feel better, like ever since I hears he was injured I was wanting to try and help him like that 🥺

There were points where we were just, cuddling naked, just peaceful, feeling the warmth of each other's skin. I was the little spoon AND the big spoon and he'd be resting his head on my chest or tummy and I'd just be running my fingers through his hair and he also makes these little groaning noises when something feels good so it's like he purrs a little bit 🥰 and I mean. There was definitely some spice too but idk how comfortable you guys are in hearing those parts. Like for example there were a few times I kept accidentally bringing up my mom or rambling to be anxious and he would just silence me with a kiss because he knew I was anxious and shit. Or uh. Haha. He was kind of a biter so at some point he's trying to get an answer out of what something I would like to try was and I was being too shy so he just starts BITING ME like not hard but in a "ooo stop don't do that omg 🥰" kind of way until I came out and said it (and he did do it, quite enthusiastically too 🥵)

We talked a lot about my relationship with my mom and one of his biggest pieces of advice was something like "your mom is shitty for sure but the way you are holding on to your anger is making things worse. You're getting bent out of shape over very small things at this point and you're only stressing yourself out, you need to let some of that rage go and move on". He's actually been studying aspects of Buddhism and tries to incorporate some of those aspects into his life which o also really like, he also burned incense in his room which had a nice smell 🥰

I. I dont know. Like I fully recognize I need to spend more time with him and get to know him more before I make any significant decisions but. My heart is such a mess. Even if it's unhealthy or weird I know I feel. Even if it's temporary. Even if it's because I'm a freak. Nothing has to be said or done now. I just want to see him. Spend time with him. Support him. Recently he had an incident with a girl he liked and was talking to and spending time with and he invited her to spend time with him and she suddenly said "you make me uncomfortable" and gave him a really bad depressive episode? And he said during our visit, "yeah I'm gonna keep trying but next time it falls through I'm giving up on dating apps" and like. Last night I was thinking... if it's making him feel so depressed and alone... I would completely humiliate myself just to soothe him. I'd tell him I love him and how much he means to me and say "even if you don't want me, even if I'll never be that person for you, I want you to know you're capable of making people feel this way and you're worthy of love and even if it isn't me I know you'll find someone someday because youre smart and caring and responsible and wonderful"

And I mean... that's love isn't it? 🥺

[fairycosmos]

i was in a relationship a year ago that really impacted me negatively and fucked me up and i still think about them a lot. we don't talk anymore and thankfully they're not a part of my life but they're still like, part of me, and i hate it. i'm not sure if i'm just stupid, and am not moving on? or if i have like trauma from it all. I'm not even sure of what counts as trauma and what doesn't. i just want them to stop still hurting me even though they're not a part of my life anymore

hi love. im so sorry to hear that, i can't imagine how hard it must be :( you're absolutely not stupid though. your mind is just blaming you because that's the only way it knows how to try to make sense of it all. but you don't live in some vaccum with no emotional response to the things that have happened to you, and that's okay. i once heard trauma described as 'going through something outside the range of normal human events.' and when you google it, it says 'a deeply disturbing or distressing experience.' an unhealthy relationship can definitely fall into those two categories, especially if it occurred during your young or formative years. so you see, you don't need to justify this pain to anyone, least of all yourself. it's ok that it still hurts. it doesn't mean you're not getting over it - like when a wound is healing, but remains tender to the touch. these things are often simultaneous, at least that's how it seems to me. i mean, i can definitely understand why you're frustrated. your present being dictated by your past, especially when you just want to forget it, is a very upsetting part of reality. makes us believe there's no point in trying, fuels our self loathing etc. but i think it's entirely possible that you're making progress your brain won't allow even you to comprehend in this moment. you don't have to be conquering the world in order to be moving on. it sounds dumb but honestly, every day that you survive as a whole person on your own proves that you're so much more resilient than you'll ever truly realize. every time you prioritize yourself, or identity/subvert an unhealthy mind set or coping mechanism, you're learning how to make it manageable. n that's where all the growth is. look, you were not treated the way you deserve to be treated. and yeah, that does have lasting effects. but that doesn't mean you're damaged or beyond hope, and it doesn't mean you don't belong to yourself anymore. it just means you have to begin to accept that what happened was fucked up, that maybe it'll take more time and energy to confront than you originally thought. and that's alright because there's truly no linear time frame for something like this. it is no indication of your worth as a human being, or your potential for future happiness. anyway, sorry this got long. i just hope you know you're genuinely not alone. i would suggest considering discussing this with your doctor to see if they can refer you to a mental health professional, who will enable you to see your situation from multiple perspectives. i know that seems scary, but it's just an idea n you don't have to write it off. there's nothing wrong with talking about it, saying it out loud. it's better to be prepared for the bad days by taking a professionals advice, anyway. but if that's too formal, there are hotlines and support groups to utilize, even just online to begin with. point is, you have options. and im super proud of you for making it to this point, seriously. take it one day at a time, or one hour at a time, even a minute at a time is good enough. if you need a friend or someone to talk to, feel free to hmu. sending love 💌

[turtletotem]

Fixing “The Last Jedi”

First up, I want to establish that I loved The Last Jedi. It does, however, contain some storytelling missteps, and after considering the most common criticisms, I'm happy to report I have fixed them! Okay but seriously, I gave a lot of thought to the quickest, simplest ways the bigger problems could have been avoided. Read on to have all your dreams come true.

1. Holdo's Secret Plan/Poe's Characterization

(I don't personally think Poe was that ooc but comics readers disagree and this is an easy fix.)

Scene: Commander d'Acy (that's the older lady with the big nose, I had to look up her name) asks Vice Admiral Holdo why she's holding the Crait plan so close to her chest when people are panicking. Holdo explains she thinks they may have a mole—that's more plausible than the First Order suddenly being able to track through hyperspace, isn't it?—and she suspects Poe Dameron. Leia just demoted him, indicating he lost her trust; he just got their entire bombing fleet killed; he's got a close relationship with the defected stormtrooper, whom they really know nothing about yet; just after his falling-out with Leia, she and their entire leadership got shot into space, and Poe was visibly surprised to see Holdo step into the lead role instead of him. Commander d'Acy grudgingly admits he's been acting strange. He isn't usually this volatile, but he's been through a lot the last few days. "We all have," Holdo says, "and we'll be going through a lot more—if we're lucky."

Boom. Plothole filled in one thirty-second scene.

2. Timeline Weirdness

(I'm not sure TLJ is any worse than Empire Strikes Back in this sense, but by all means, let's fix it if possible. Here's the problem: The Resistance ships are stated to have 18 hours of fuel. In that amount of time, Finn & Rose travel to and from Canto Bight, plus Rey trains with Luke and travels to Kylo Ren. This is madness. Cantonica and Crait, for instance, are literally halfway across the galaxy from each other. Nor would 'more fuel' solve the problem, as they would then jump to lightspeed, multiple times if necessary, and probably be able to reach shelter somewhere in spite of the tracking.)

Instead of a chase, we need a siege. The last Resistance cruiser is dead in the water, its engines blown out and irreparable. They've hidden inside an asteroid field, but the First Order is bombing its way through it, and the cruiser can only keep its shields and cloaking device up for however-many-days-needed-for-plot. Poe's panic at the transports being fueled up and sent out is even more legit, since it would look like madness to leave the shaky protection of the asteroid field without a destination in mind. Bonus: Finn and Rose have to dodge asteroids and First Order ships on their way out to go to Canto Bight. Fun!

3. Luke's Failure with Ben

(This is one where I don't really have a problem with the way it is, but enough other people do that I think it's worth fixing—and now that I've done it, I really do like mine better.)

Luke never draws a lightsaber against Ben. Instead, when he perceives the darkness inside his nephew, he starts trying to alter his mind in order to cast it out, not even realize he's destabilizing Ben's personality in the process. Luke never intended to hurt Ben, he was trying his best to help him, but in a high-handed Jedi way instead of talking to him. That's why Luke is upset about hubris, thinking he was a legend who could do anything; as Jedi Master Luke Skywalker, he was certain he had both the right and the ability to alter the core of this boy's mind, to make his choices for him. When Ben wakes up and catches him at it (it was probably not even the first "session"!), he interprets it as Luke trying to brainwash and enthrall him because he hasn't been drinking the Kool-Aid like the other students. (Clearly there had already been conflict between Luke and Ben, and possible side-taking amongst the apprentices.) Bonus: Since they clearly want us to sympathize with Kylo Ren despite his horrifying actions, we can now blame some of his evilness on Luke accidentally destabilizing his mind.

4. Reylo

(On a related note, if you want a character to eventually be your romantic hero and something like a sympathetic antagonist, don't—don't do it like this.)

The mental shenanigans will help with this, as I said. For the rest of the fix, we actually have to go all the way back to the beginning of The Force Awakens. And this time, don't introduce Kylo Ren by having him massacre an entire village of innocent people for no real reason. It's easy. Just—don't do that. Problem solved. Kylo Ren now 90% more sympathetic.

But, you say, this was a crucial turning point for Finn! His character needs an atrocity to rebel against.

Okay, fine, you're right. Fine. Kill the villagers. But have someone besides Kylo Ren order it. Kylo's already gone back into his shuttle, and Phasma orders the villagers killed. Kylo has some degree of plausible deniability—he's still an evil S.O.B. but he's not directly responsible. Boom. Problem solved.

You'll notice I'm not bringing up Han. Kylo killing Han is a pretty important part of his character arc, so even though I'd certainly rather he hadn't done it, I'm not comfortable "fixing" it away. Plus, in contrast to the villagers, he had a reason to kill his father, however twisted and wrong that reason was.

Incidentally, slightly off topic, but I've seen people say Rey forgives Ben too easily for killing Han. For what it's worth, on second watch I think I found the key moment there—when she understands that Ben did love his father, didn't kill him out of hatred or contempt but actually because he loved him, and Han was therefore a weakness. That's all kinds of screwed up, of course, but that enabled Rey to see it as exactly that, screwed up, instead of bwahahaha evulz!!! What Rey couldn't forgive was hating a parent who was decent and loving and there for you. Once she understood that wasn't the case, it made a big difference to her.

5. Rey's Parentage

It's not that I'm against the concept of the Hero Coming From Nothing. That's a great concept. It was great when it was Anakin, and Finn, and Luke for the first movie-and-a-half. But we don't exactly need it with Rey—like I said, Finn is right there—and more importantly, I just don't buy it with Rey. Not after the way the question was built up in TFA, and not after the way Kylo Ren reacted to the news of a girl from Jakku getting involved in events. I would swear on a Bible he knew instantly who she was, and it wasn't "random daughter of junk traders."

But you know what, I'm not fixing this one, because I'm not convinced it needs fixing yet. Who, after all, are our sources for this revelation that Rey's parents were nobodies? (1) Rey's Force vision, which could easily be drawing on her own subsconscious fears, paired with the legit truth that her parents didn't raise her, so they really don't matter in terms of the person she is. (2) Kylo's Force vision, WHICH WAS FED TO HIM BY SNOKE. Snoke outright says that, and he could be lying, but Rey's vision of Ben turning to the Light did turn out to be false, so I think it's safe to say we have reasonable doubt here.

So I think it's entirely possible Rey will still turn out to be a Skywalker or a Kenobi or a Naberrie or a Palpatine or what-the-heck-ever. And if not, then not and I won't cry about it, but I will consider it a major writing flaw.

There, all fixed, you're welcome! Hopefully they'll hire me to write the next one, right?

[dalyunministry]

TOPIC: HOW TO OVERCOME THE WORLD

By. Sister. Savita Manwani

💥

Let us Pray: Lord we thank you for the very breath of life and this precious opportunity to share your living word. I pray Lord, that you guide us and teach us to hear your voice so that we may be the doers of your word and not just hearers. Glory and honor be to your Holy name. Amen.

TOPIC: HOW TO OVERCOME THE WORLD

The world represents everything that displeases God, opposes His teaching, and is under Satan’s dominion. (1 John 5:19).

Many philosophies, ideas and doctrines distort or degrade Christ and His sacrifice on the cross of Calvary. These offer a salvation not found in the Word of God, and are all manifestations of the world.

The Apostle John points out 3 aspects that mark the love of this world: The desires of the flesh, the desires of the eyes and the pride of life. John 2:15- 17 says “Do not love the world or the things in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him. For all that is in the world, the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes and the pride of life is not of the Father but is of the world. And the world is passing away, and the lust of it, but he who does the will of God abides forever.

¶ Lust of the flesh:

These are those desires that are in us by nature and impel us to do the wrong things. They incite us, even from childhood, to yield to what the flesh desires. They can be described as the satisfaction, passion or enjoyment that is felt by doing wrong things. In doing these things, we give room to sin in our lives.

Galatians 5:17 says, “For the flesh lusts against the Spirit and the Spirit against the flesh; and these are contrary to one another, so that you do not do the things that you wish.” This shows the conflict found in every Christian life. The flesh wants one thing while the spirit wants another. That is why it is important to nourish our spiritual man.

Galatians 5:19 - 21 gives us a long list of the sins of the flesh. These include sexual sins, sins involving pagan religions such as witchcraft or idolatry and other sins relating to temperament and character. The fruit of the Spirit is everything that is opposite to the flesh.

• In relation to God: love, joy and peace

• In relation to others: patience, kindness and goodness

• In relation to ourselves: faith, kindness and self-control

Our goal should be that our spirit wins the battle against the flesh.>If we want to conquer the desires of the flesh, we have to pay special attention to our spirit. We must feed it and care for it in such a way that in the face of temptation, the spirit prevails.

¶ Lust of the Eyes:

The eyes can be a fountain of life, purity and inspiration, or they can be an instrument of evil, perversion, and bad desires. Dr. W. E Vine describes them as being, “the principal avenue to temptation. “The desires of the eyes” can be described as perversions, bad intentions and selfish delights that include not only the sight, but also the mind and imagination. The Bible teaches in 2 Peter 2:14 “having eyes full of adultery and that cannot cease to sin, …” And in Matthew 5:27 – 29; “You have heard

that it was said to those of old, “You shall not commit adultery. But I say to you that whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”

The word “look” refers to the desires of the eyes, a look laden with lust, which wakens impure images and desires in our minds.

Someone once said, “the first look isn’t sinful but the second look is.” This second look aims to satisfy the mind's own desires.

Beacon's commentary says that this type of lust is “the tendency to be captivated by the exterior appearance of things without looking into its real worth.” The lust of the eyes include not only sight but also the mind and imagination. They seek to satisfy themselves through pornography or unedifying books, magazines or movies. They create an addiction that can only be quenched by giving in to the pleasures of the flesh. Generally, these desires are fed by thoughts convincing us that sin is something pleasant, pleasurable and desirable.

We justify the sinful thought as being acceptable as something harmless and insignificant. And since we haven’t actually done anything we are convinced it is not sin.

What's more, it keeps us from seeing the consequences that our behavior may bring to our lives and to those that we love.

When the mind delights itself with memories of past sexual experience, drunkenness, parties, or gambling. The enemy shows you the fun you experienced, the pleasures you felt, and how wonderful it would be to experience them again. These memories are accompanied by thoughts like, “there’s nothing wrong with that,” or, “everyone is doing it”, or, “I can’t become a fanatic.” The mind does not concentrate on the consequences that will come sooner or later, but on the desire and pleasures it wants to feel again. The influence the lust of the eye has on us is acute. They manipulate our mind and cause us to forget what Christ did for us.

That is why it is good to follow the Apostle Paul's counsel, when he exhorts us to walk in the Spirit and do not satisfy the desires of the flesh.

¶ Pride of life: This refers to the belief that the reason for life is found in the worldly appearance and worth of things, and not in how God values them. Pride is the illusion that leads people into superficiality, inflates their egos, and makes them believe that their worth is based on position, money and friends.

These vanities turn into strongholds for people who open the door to them. Vanities lead them to believe that their own ability has given them positions of importance with their peers. For this reason, some people climb over others in life, violating biblical principles and the will of God. Behind their appearances they hide their insecurity.

An example of this is when you spend more than you earn and live in debt even though it steals your peace. You don't change because you want to pretend that you are rich. You buy designer clothes, expensive mobile phone or hang out at the most popular places. You have been led to think these things win people’s respect.

God wants us to be prosperous. When we love Him, He lifts us to a better position. God, not His blessings, gives us our value.

¶ How the world affects me: The young person's world is not a secret to anyone. It is one that offers parties, vices, sinful passions and a worthless and empty life. The media, radio press and television, along with society push us towards this type of lifestyle. They trick us into believing that to have fun you must become part of their activities. If we refuse, we are labelled as boring and bitter people. These words boring and bitter are the most commonly used words by non-Christians to pressure the believer into doing what they want or say. The world may affect me when I give into its ways. It affects me when I take part in its dirty jokes and perverted comments or accept its invitation to drink and party. It affects me when these activities stop being fun and become addictive when I end up caught in circumstances that I want to be free from but cannot.

For example, an ungodly relationship ends in frustration and deception; an excess of alcohol produces sicknesses such as cirrhosis and venereal diseases are a result of a degenerate and promiscuous life.

The life the world offers us is a mirror that makes us believe that it is true and fulfilling. However, it doesn't let us see the deception and true consequences of its ways. Jesus does not want to remove us from the world he wants us to shine and be a light wherever we are. Jesus said: “I do not pray that you should take them out of the world but that you should keep them from the evil one” John 17:15

¶ How to face the world now that I am Christian?

A. Not participating in what the world has to offer.

Ephesians 5:11 says, “And have no fellowship with the unfruitful works of darkness but rather expose them”. Right from the start you need to learn how to be radical in dealing with sin. Don't ever cloud the real issues. For example, if they offer you a drink, don't lie by saying, “No thank you, I am on medication and drinking could be harmful.” That is not true. You are not on medication. It is rather a matter of faith, but you are too embarrassed to tell the truth.

B. Be radical in your stand as a Christian.

Job 22:28 says, “You will also declare a thing. And it will be established for you; so light will shine on your ways”. Decide beforehand what things you are not going to yield to. For example, decide not to go to parties with nonbelievers or social events where drinking and other vices are predominant. By deciding ahead of time you will avoid facing temptation and prevent yourself from falling into sin. The main thing is to decide, “No matter what happens, I will not leave the path that I have chosen.” This is determination. When I do my part, God does His. He brings His light to reveal what we should say or do.

C. Avoid spending too much time with unbelievers.

They will constantly encourage you to do wrong, inciting you to turn back.

D. Look for friends that share the same purpose and goals.

Spend time with those people who challenge you and strengthen your relationship with God.

E. Strengthen your relationship with God.

Spend time with Him daily in prayer and live in such a way that you will not leave His side. When you are facing situations that you are uncertain and doubtful about, it will help to ask yourself, “What would Jesus do if He were in my place?. I will no longer talk much with you for the ruler of this world is coming and he has nothing in me. John 14:30

Allow me to end here. May God bless you all.

Let us Pray: Heavenly Father, we thank you for speaking to us today. Lord, I pray that you empower us with your spirit and enable us also to feed our spirit being so that we will be able to overcome the flesh and the world in Jesus Name. Amen.

[punkscowardschampions]

Indie & Rio

Indie: [Sends selfie] Indie: Bangin or clappin? Rio: 😍😍😍 Rio: So peng Rio: Gurl who you fightin?! Indie: Not too extra like? I don't wanna go too hype w my garms Indie: There's a lad at college and he is proper peng no jokes Indie: I helped him fix his wheels now he owes me and tonight I'm collecting Rio: Nah, perfect Rio: effortless babe 🙏 Rio: Ooh, love that for you Rio: Obviously not a dickhead either if he didn't get humpty about you being a grease monkey Rio: Debrief after, like 💋 Indie: Wifey please, didn't give the boy no chances to do anything but moving aside Indie: Innit. The vibe feels good to me I'm about seeing what he's thinking to do tonight Indie: You out? Indie: I'll catch you over the crunchy nut like Rio: That's my baby! 😄😘 Rio: 🍀 Rio: Thinking 'bout linking if he's got eyes boo Rio: Yeah, I'm not home but fosho be back in the AM, I'll bring your faves back Indie: If he only wants to jam that's gonna feel dred after how amped ive got 💔😢 Indie: But I'm have him pegged for a chief tourist if he can't see what he was onto Indie: is it? Bit awkward to bring mckenna over if I've been kicking it all night with some other rudeboy 😂 think on Rio: N'awh baby, I'm sure he's gonna wanna chill too, ignore me, just tryna gas you up, not do the opposite, like! 💔 Rio: Absolutely Rio: 😂 Behave Rio: Whilst we're on the subject though Rio: I don't know how to say this, eurgh, but don't worry, not dying Indie: nahhhh give ME air I'm flatroofin here cos he's not like the hoodies in these endz Indie: And I am 😜 Indie: Girl get your words together Indie: Nothing you can't say to your wifey Rio: I know Rio: Just makes it seem so dramatic, not like I tell you about every hook up but then, not like I have to hide 'em either Rio: Its a bit of a wild one so, you're allowed to freak, yeah? Rio: I've been getting with Buster, for a bit, like Indie: I knew you had a mystery man but these is jokes Indie: You and Mckenna please Indie: always got beef with that boy 😂 Indie: like that can be hot but you two'd straight up merk each other Indie: Who's the lad proper? Rio: I ain't even joking Rio: It's mad, I know Indie: Watch! Are you legit with this 411? Indie: Oh my days Indie: That's so crump fam, nahhh Rio: I thought you'd figured it out, like Indie: How am I gonna be putting my finger on that madness Indie: How long you been linking up? Rio: I know, its fucked up but Rio: its happened, happening, whatever Rio: like 2 years... Indie: !!!!!!!!!!!!!! Indie: I thought you were gonna be a month gone Indie: Rio Indie: He's your hubz oh my god Rio: Whoa, nah, it ain't like that Rio: You recall his two baby mamas? Indie: I haven't mashed with the same lad for 2 weeks straight Indie: He's your hubz Indie: You got one you're hiding???? Cos you be telling me tales for 2 years Rio: You trippin' Rio: No, nah, its not like that Rio: I didn't lie Rio: you can see why I didn't tell, can't tell nobody else like but idk, its making me feel insane and I wanted to tell you Indie: Girl please you pushed me over 😂 Indie: Not fit to broadcast Indie: But you could have hit me up with getting that good for 2 years Indie: I've done wilder Rio: Serious? Rio: You not gon' block me 'til I get some sense back? Indie: vexed I can't get my own taste now Indie: But that's not your damage Rio: 🤷 You're still free to try, babe Rio: Thanks for not totally losing it Rio: Had to get it out Indie: I'm not gonna do you like that, we fam Indie: Tell me about the 🎁 cos he's dripping w 💸 Indie: His body be as good as bling tho Rio: 💖 Rio: I told you it ain't like that tho Rio: Probably still gon' get with another rich ass white girl Rio: you still my only bae Rio: [Sends picture of the bracelet] Indie: You been riding him for 2 years Indie: Who else has he ever got with more than a couple of times? Please Indie: 2nd baby mama only lasted ??? weeks Indie: He's your bae Indie: Sick? That's 💰💰 dropped Indie: I'm taxing it Rio: Okay, I do like him Rio: but I'm not telling you like this is an engagement post, let's calm down, yeah? 😂 Rio: Try it, bitch Rio: We might be fam but there will be blood 🥊😉 Indie: I'm seckled, not trying to chat like you want him to put another baby in you Indie: But you're a grimy jokester if you reckon him coming back to roll with you every time is no thing Rio: Another?! Bitch where's my first? Rio: but, he just tried to get back with #2, she said no (duh, so what if he's just...putting up, 'cos he can't get better? Indie: He's got 2 so far is what I was yelling out 😂 Indie: You're the best, wifey 👑🔥🍑 no gas Indie: He can flex but he can't do better Indie: Mckenna ain't that much of a tourist. He knows what he's got Rio: You're such a sweetheart, you know that? 💎 Indie: Trust. He knows how sweet you are. Fuck his babymama who can't even rep the 24, he's on that criss new shit with you Indie: 🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟 Indie: Has been since before she rolled in Rio: Fuck it Rio: even if you ain't, you SHOULD be right Rio: not vibing this insecure shit ❌💩🖕 Indie: Yeah Indie: There's no hype Indie: You're one sick bitch Indie: Can I come out with something tho? Rio: Lawd Rio: I'm ready, go for it Indie: It's chill I'm not claiming you 411 about 🍆 measurements reh teh teh Indie: Wondering how you put 2 years in with all those fam functions, innit Rio: It ain't been easy like Rio: but if you gotta, you make it work like Rio: I'm 99% sure no one else knows, like you said, why would you assume that? Its a pretty good cover tbh Indie: I reckon you'd know if anyone did, his mum would invite you over for dins and be like you're going to hell, can you pass the salt tho Rio: 😂 Rio: Don't Rio: drag me there herself, I'm sure Rio: Jesus Indie: least you'd meet him there cos he's no 😇 Indie: oh my dayz have you ridden him with me home? 😂 Rio: Gurl, hush Rio: 👃 Indie: !!!!!!!!!!!!! Indie: Such a yeah Indie: oh man how many times have you fucked him on our sofa and I never knew Rio: Its pretty grotty anyway, babe Rio: I'm not taking all the blame for that one 😜 Indie: bet that's a turn on for him Indie: rich boy Rio: Povvo porn Rio: I hope not, Rio: how fucking insulting, we'd have a real problem then Indie: If he was thinking he was just in it for the slum I'd merk him Indie: Got the advantage cos he don't be knowing I know Indie: It's jokes anyway you make sick 💸 Rio: Better watch his back Rio: I'll not let on you know like 🤐💅 Rio: Yeah, exactly, we moving on up baby gurl! Indie: Naah he's your hubz you'll be chatting all that Indie: screenshooting all my words Rio: Please Rio: I ain't that hoe Rio: #loyal Rio: plus you got it the wrong way 'round, I'm meant to bombard you with all the dumb shit he says like you can do anything about it Indie: 😂 Indie: Bet his drunk dials are madness Rio: 😂 you have no idea Rio: best kept that way, trust Indie: Law it. I can't believe this is how you living Indie: life and wife goals bitch Indie: vexed on my rudeboys behalf that he can't standup to it Indie: Like yeah we gonna roll together but my head be on this like Rio: Glad you think so 😜 Rio: They'll call you an enabler when they're carting me off but you just my hypeman, don't get it twisted lads Rio: I'm soz 💋 Rio: Still gon' have fun, make it happen, boo Indie: not bothered Indie: yeah my night is looking bare hectic still Indie: You seeing your boo? Indie: cos if you're riding w him you best 2s me some deets in the AM Rio: Might do Rio: I'll be sure to let you know once I've heard all of your goss Rio: I'm thinking pancakes, yeah? Indie: could be none 😢 you know Buster ain't no virgin least. I can't speak for my lad Indie: He ain't moist or anything but he's a quiet one. Shy Indie: 😋 Indie: I'm with that plan Rio: Shy is good Rio: Doesn't mean he ain't wid it Rio: I'll let you go and find out if its worth the hype Indie: And I'll let you know Rio: You better Rio: Love you bitch Indie: Love you more wifey Indie: ✌ Rio: 💋

[politics-and-philosophy]

Ok, so I know that I'm supposed to be weirded out by the fact that this person clearly created a random brand-new tumblr just to message me anonymously, but honestly, I'm honored.

Look, this tumblr is straight-up blank, aside from the header photo. Is that a homemade handgun btw? It looks like it. Honestly though, I just feel kinda honored. Because this person is either scared enough of me to want anonymity (I can't see why) or scared enough of the reprisal they would face on their main blog (this one makes more sense).

So, again, let's go point-by-point.

I don't think the government should have control over who owns a gun in the same way I don't think the government should have control over who lives and dies. I think that gun ownership should be restricted constitutionally, by removing and replacing the second amendment. In this new amendment, I want only three types of individuals to be allowed to own guns:

1. Those in remote areas who require guns for survival.

2. Collectors of historic guns who can only load and fire them on shooting ranges.

3. Active duty military personnel deployed in foreign soil, and domestic soil only during a foreign invasion.

This list notably excludes cops, active duty military on domestic soil, security details, sport hunters, and everyone else. I have said all this before though.

This would not give a monopoly on power to the government, in fact, it would significantly stymie the power the government already has over people by removing the threat of firearms.

Personally, I think this would stop almost all gun violence, not just mass shootings. The majority of gun killings are committed with guns which were once legally owned (the US is a net exporter of illegal firearms, mostly to Mexico, due to our lax gun laws). Furthermore, while 4 in 5 gun homicides are committed with a gun not owned by the perpetrator, that's not the end of the story. 30% of those guns are stolen, but of those 30%, over 4 in 10 are not reported stolen until after a crime is committed, and 44% of gun owners whose guns were stolen did not respond to attempts to be contacted by police. Of the other 70%, reported lost, in 62% of instances, the legal owner of the gun was unaware of where or when the gun was lost. That is a staggering number of people who are reckless with firearm safety.

A large part of this is due to shoestring purchases, where someone who passes a legal background check will go and buy a gun for someone who wouldn't, or to then go and sell it at an upcharge on the black market, only to claim it lost or stolen when it shows up at a crime scene. The legal gun market directly supports and enables both gun crime and the illegal gun market. Making it more difficult to legally get a gun will make it exponentially more difficult to illegally acquire a gun. More on this later.

Mass shootings are a small percentage of total deaths, but these deaths are unique in how horrible, violent, and early in a person's life they come. They are always the direct result of hate, and are a uniquely American problem within the developed world. Unlike robbery murders or even homicides motivated by passion, mass shootings don't target a specific individual. They seek to kill a group of people indiscriminately. Essentially, they're a violent hate crime, almost always motivated by a right-wing view of society and a belief that violence solves problems.

It's also laughable that the ownership of a gun somehow puts you on even footing with the government. Do you know how much firepower the government has? Even military grade weapons are useless against an actual military.

Ok, here's Oxford's definition of a civil right:

Please go read this. Civil rights are rights of society and politics. They are things such as voting rights, marriage rights, freedom from religious infringement in your life, right to exist in society and politics. Gun ownership is no more a civil right than is the right to smoke crack.

America has a gun violence epidemic, compared to the rest of the world, and even compared among the states.

Here's a fun graph comparing gun violence and gun ownership among first world countries.

Here's a graph comparing gun violence and gun regulation within the United States:

Ok, finally, on to fascism. So, let's start from the top and work our way to different outcomes. We have our first decision at "Is the current gun violence rate and mass shooting epidemic within the US worth fixing?" Personally, I think yes. If you think no, I invite you to tell that to anyone who lost a family member in a mass shooting and see if you don't get punched.

Having resolved yes, we move onto what to do. There are three real solutions.

1. Increase of law enforcement

2. Increase of surveillance

3. Regulation of firearms

Notably, mental health reforms is left off this list. I've addressed that several times in other posts. In summary, mass shooters don't seek mental services and the majority of perpetrators aren't mentally ill, they're disillusioned with society.

Now, as a liberal and specifically a social liberal, I hate fascism and think that among the political ideologies out there fascism and authoritarianism are a special kind of evil. In general, I see it as better to have a large government which serves the people instead of a small government which oppresses the people. A lot of conservatives, especially anarco-capitalists, think that a small government is necessarily less oppressive, but that is not true. Governments can be large, but if they are beholden to a citizenship, they'll obey said citizens. Small governments who are isolated from the populace easily turn towards oppression.

But I digress. Let's start with the first choice, and see where it takes us. For this exercise, we'll be assuming that when the government is given control over a certain aspect of our lives, they'll want to increase that control. So, we increase the law enforcement in all major metropolitan areas, meaning armed guards at malls, churches, movie theaters, schools, etc. And even though mass shootings still occur when armed guards are present (Parkland) or when police arrive on scene within the minute (El Paso), it's okay because we get to keep our guns, everybody has a gun so everyone is safe. This is basically a police state. The scary thing is conservatives have actually proposed this. Sean Hannity said on live TV that we need to place armed guards at every public area. And if you don't trust the government, how the hell could you trust the armed guards they have stationed outside the grocery store.

Next solution is increased surveillance. If access to guns is to remain unrestricted, then we need to be able to find the killers before they kill. What do all of the mass shooters have in common? An internet history rife with extremism and alt-right views. So, screen everyone. And go ahead and start censoring people who have those views too, just to be safe. But once we have a suspected shooter, how can we know when they're about to commit murder? You can't arrest someone for fitting a profile. So, you start tracking them, looking through their purchases, making sure they aren't trying to get someone to buy them a firearm, following them, watching them. Even if all they did is post on the internet with no intent, now the government knows their every move. And suddenly, the small minor infractions that everyone commits daily start to add up. So, one agent decides to hell with it, let's just bust him early for something, anything we can make stick. This isn't a hypothetical, either. There are countless stories of cops falsifying evidence just to make the arrest because they believe an innocent person is guilty.

Finally, firearm regulation. Now here you might think that if you lose your firearm, you lose your safety. Ignoring for a moment that I specifically advocated for law enforcement to not have firearms, if you genuinely think you are safer with a gun than without it, you are wrong. The mindset that, without your gun, there's nothing to stop the government from trampling your rights ignores the fact that even with your gun, there's nothing really stopping the government from trampling your rights, because the government has a lot more guns than you and they're a lot bigger. Now, perhaps you think that having an armed populace means a resistance or insurgency is possible. Ignoring that the government could squash any insurgency within the US, who even says the insurgents are on your side politically? What's stopping them from rising up right now? The same thing that's stopping the government from killing any dissidents: the fact that we live in a society and without it the government would collapse. Often times people speak as though the government is some separate entity when in reality in America every single person who us eligible to vote or pays taxes is a member of the government. We are the power base of the government, and to distinguish between the citizens of the US and the government if the US is a real gray area, because the government can't exist without the economic base that is our society. You called us sheep but we aren't sheep, we're the golden goose and you never ever kill the golden goose. The government won't come to put us all in camps because they'd wake up broke the next day. And even if they did, your gun wouldn't stop them, it just means they'd kill you.

When you arm everyone, you arm EVERYONE. Not just the lawful responsible owner, but the mass shooter, the murderer, the rapist, the insurgents on both the right and the left, the domestic terrorists, the gang bangers, the government sympathizers, the government itself, everyone. And while obviously it's not every gun owner, it could be any gun owner. And any realistic way to distinguish the difference between a responsible individual looking to own a gun and a mass shooter arming up is with a level of invasiveness that should make you incredibly uncomfortable. This is what I mean when I talk about surveillance.

Let's come to a conclusion here, because this post has gotten quite long.

The idea that you could amass enough firepower to resist the government is not reasonable. What protects you from the government is not weaponry but anonymity. Currently, our system has both, but having both allows criminals and murderers to readily access firearms and kill people. So, since the weaponry isn't protecting us anyway, might as well get rid of it and save some lives.

EDIT: The blog that sent these messages no longer exists, and I don't have access to them anymore, so I'm glad I screenshoted when I did. Kinda confirms my suspicion that they just wanted to anonymously harass me. Oh well, nothing as predictable as a coward.

[alyhollywood]

Confessions on How To Handle Education Now That Devos Has Officially Sworn Into a Place of Power Enabling Tragedy If We Don't Enlighten her We Guarantee Our Opportunity Expired until Continus Time to Ever Further The Education of Any Ones Mind; Ending Free Individualized Thought To Die With No New Knowledge Absorbed By The Massful Minds

In California you don't need a teaching degree to teach at a charter school or in private sector but unlike charter private sector often has numerous own qualifications of their own often requiring a teach degree or a doctorate in field to teach unlike charter schools which fail here because they have teachers who don't have degrees or new ones who don't know what the heck they are doing. Actually recently a charter administration building that runs 14 in LA was raided for misuse of funds and they found according to the news clip I had watched (not sure on If accurate or added fake news embellishment) tons of illegal drugs being stored in these buildings boxes of them. So yeah although the clip said they were being compliant with authorities makes you wonder what the hell was going on in that school network system and the people in charge of those children hah. I did vote trump however DeVos is not qualified and is quite terrifying the fact she couldn't state the definitions of growth and proficiency let alone decipher between the two terms. She also does not think highly of disabled services or special education and feels they should just be not given the tools they need to be successful or achieve their highest potential. In fact feels they are a waste of time and wants to turn the clock back to how they were viewed in the 50's and 60's which is wrong in more ways then I can even begin to get into. Just because a child is different does not make them stupid or incapable of learning they just learn differently in ways than others and need a bit more time, compassion, patience and care with help and guidance from a passionate educator who is willing to work with them and specialize their lesson plan for them to be successful. Would you fail a kid in a wheelchair or on krutches for not running the mile in PE with all the other students? No. So why would you put students in such situations treating them all the same across the board in all subjects. I truly don't think people realize how strong the teacher unions are or why they are necessary to be. They fight for education and often instead of new textbooks or materials in the classroom the state will decide to grant money only for beautifying the campus aka build buildings with no desks in them for anyone to be able to teach, plant flowers and do some pretty mascot mural painting on the gymnasium while the nets are inside in shreds and the uniforms recycled each year reused decade after decade and every class has some mandatory 10-35 dollar material fee that totals up to be quite pricey by the end of the first day with 7 classes and not to mention actually going to buy school supplies and later on project materials and field trip fees etc. Yes I do believe some administrators get overpaid and there are one too many of them necessary on a board but that has nothing to do really with the teachers union it's separate and the teachers all the ones I know work absurd long hours, multiple jobs because their salary wouldn't even cover rent and utilities let alone if they have kids all the fees I mentioned above in public schools mind you, live paycheck to paycheck, get almost no tax breaks because they can't afford to own a house on their income alone etc. Truly passionate and love their job and students but really stress about being able to cover groceries or anything else that may occur like a car needing repair or washing machine broke out of warranty. Cutting their salaries is about the most moronic thing when it's been cut almost every other year as it is to where they are barely getting by some not even with maxed out credit cards. Our teachers are the ones with kids every day. They work their ass off to try and better the child's life and broaden their horizons. They are the ones who prepare the youth for the future we all will be a part of and want them to be able to be functioning in society when they join it. The ones who give them those tools to be able to do that and get jobs and be independent are the teachers who instill knowledge into their minds. Crippling them and their resources and burning them out means no bright future and hinders the amount the children are able to have taught to them for them to learn making them less informed and lacking skills. We need teachers! We need someone who knows what the hell they are doing and we need those who are qualified to take a stand and make sure they speak up loud enough to make a case stated with in refutable facts and data to help guide and enlighten DeVos on the system and what public education and educators need to be more successful and what ways the students should be tested to see their progress and milestones toward success in learning. Force her to understand growth needs to be the focus not proficiency as we have been doing with the failing common core where the top of the class and the bottom of the class are ignored and not given what they need to move ahead of their peers or catch up to them and be recognized for their goals reached not just called a failure because they aren't up to speed with their peers. Take a 5th grader. They are not reading at a 5th grade level like they should and the middle range of the class is. This student has a kindergarten reading level and was just pushed through the system feeling more loss and less engaged each year. A teacher comes across them and gets them to a 4th grade reading level by the end of the year. Now if you go by proficiency their peers are now at 6grade level so that kid is labeled a failure and a waste of time and not worth bothering with. If you go by growth you see the huge improvement in the year moving their reading level up by 4 grade levels and see they are able to learn and smart if given the tools and tlc needed. Growth measurement that child is a success and met beyond their goals of just being up one or two reading levels but did 4! Now take that same 5th grade class you have a student who is reading 10th grade level. Way beyond what their peers are. By proficiency she or he would be told to not read ahead and to have to read with their peers at 5th grade level and be unchallenged and bored often then not caring and then not doing homework because why bother it's not a challenge and is just more of a punishment and makes learning a chore because for that student they aren't learning they are frustrated bored and when asked to give vocab words they don't know the definition of to do assignments with they are trying to guess what their peers don't know since they knew all but maybe one and need to come up with 20 words and then get docked because some of the words they guessed wrong and the teacher deemed too easy. Teacher is focused on proficiency therefore not focused on child being beyond this and extremely agitated and miserable; the reason they are probably talking in class ,when they shouldn't, doodling or other behaviors not deemed appropriate and punishable worthy. Now take growth this teacher notices and either sends them to an honor class to transfer to or takes the other students also beyond the reading level say you have 6 students who are above and beyond ranging from 7-10 reading level. The teacher gives them their own book probably around an 8.5 reading level or 9 depending on the students and they will have their own assignments to that book to work on as the rest of the class works on the other book and its assignments. I've seen it done so don't say this doesn't happen teachers focused on growth do this quite frequently if they are attune with their students and their capabilities as well as willing to help them when they need it and get stuck and promote positivity with the you can do it you are capable i know you are smart attitude. These students focused with growth learn at a level challenging to their needs and not just overlooked or forced to waste time feeling as if it is pointless to show up because it's so torturous and infuriating that their peers are just not getting what they understood two weeks ago and are still discussing it in class. In growth everyone is challenged and the whole class is engaged and learning new material that is appropriate for their mind to continue to build and expand in becoming informed on the endless information and knowledge just waiting for their brains to absorb! Do you see why now it's important ,someone in charge understand the difference and why it is terrifying she doesn't? Let alone believes in proficiency more ,so based on what she says in her jumbled answers, then in growth! The schools need a serious fix after no child left behind and the program of common core followed it that needs to go away. We need someone who knows what the hell they are talking about to be in charge of redevelopment of a working system that benefits all students disabled, average and honor/gate program kids. SAVE OUR FUTURE OF EDUCATION HELP DEVOS BE INFORMED TO KNOW BASICS TO BE ABLE TO HAVE THE KNOWLEDGE TO DO HER JOB AND NOT DESTROY THE EDUCATIONAL SYSTEM FOREVER OR WORSE ABOLISH IT FROM EXISTENCE IN THIS COUNTRY FOREVER.

Note: some of this I wrote shorthand as originally was to be a comment on a video that was too long so then posted as a facebook post on my own feed that I felt I wanted to express here and share my own perspective to all of you I interact here. You can agree or not that is what freedom of speech is all about and politics are definitely a hot topic today so please be kind and do not throw personal attacks on my physical attributes or character in response keep it on topic about the politics and not on one another’s human identities in this planet we all reside on that is much smaller than we often come to consider. So be polite , respectful and have a great rest of your time on tumblr on this blissful night :)