#nothing revolutionary about him just the depths of how truly miserable he was

[rjgraves]

Thinking about Christmas of ‘94 for Rust. He has just been transferred, moved states, and was partnered with Marty. He’s living with PTSD and is still recovering from four months in a psychiatric institution. He is an addict/alcoholic who isn’t receiving any-kind of sobriety support after spending years abusing. To top it all off he’s alone. Really alone, no crusaders, no DEA, no HIDTA, no mission, no Crash, no one. Alone with himself, his real self. The holidays were probably something he had to tune out while undercover and all of a sudden he’s a civilian again (at least in the non-criminal sense) and he’s surrounded by the joy of strangers. He’s subjected to upbeat and hopeful Christmas music in every store, on every radio station, even at work. His neighbors multicolored lights completely illuminate his living room because they refuse to turn them off over night. He stares at the ceiling watching the lights twist and distort, his hallucinations make him see multicolored figures even when he closes his eyes. He hasn’t slept more than a few hours a night in months. They definitely decorated the station, probably even sprung for a plastic tree. Marty hosted a Christmas party at his house that Rust didn’t attend, or wasn’t invited too. He’s alone and It’s almost his daughter’s birthday. Merry Christmas.

[andonewillbringhisfall]

Deepest Darkest Secret

Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 3 Chapter 4 Chapter 5 Chapter 6 Chapter 7 Chapter 8 Chapter 9 Chapter 10 Chapter 11 Chapter 12 Chapter 13 Chapter 14 Chapter 15

Chapter 16. Penny.

The Mage finally leaves, and then another group of boys comes out of Mummers House, and I can finally sneak in. I almost run into Baz on the stairs.

‘What happened?’

He looks like he’s going to cry. ‘You have to tell him about our plan,’ he says. ‘Tell him it was your idea.’

He looks so distraught, so unlike himself, and he’s right. It was my idea. I only did this because I had to protect Simon at all costs – I had to – and I knew he would understand that. I know how he feels. I guess I used him.

‘I am truly sorry, Baz,’ I say. ‘Of course I’ll tell him.’

I climb the rest of the way up to their room.

‘Simon?’ I say, my ear pressed against the door.

‘You can come in,’ he says. He sounds tired.

I go to sit next to him on his bed, leaning into him. He presses back.

‘Do you want to tell me what happened?’ I prompt.

He does, glossing over the details of his fight with Baz, and then explaining how he met the Humdrum in the courtyard, and how our plan worked until the Mage told him to stop.

‘I was still going to do it,’ he says miserably, ‘after I explained to the Mage and he still didn’t agree. But then the Humdrum was already gone. But I was going to do it. I was.’

‘It’s okay, Simon. I believe you.’

He’s quiet for a long moment, staring at his feet. ‘I don’t,’ he says finally. ‘Baz was – he was right. I am weak. The Humdrum was right there, and I knew what to do, and I didn’t do it.’

‘That’s not true,’ I say. ‘You wanted to make absolutely sure you were doing the right thing. That’s not weakness, that’s just good sense.’

He shrugs.

‘Really, Simon. We know there’s a chance the Mage is right, and maybe giving your magic to the Humdrum would backfire on us. We can’t know.’

He looks up, frowning. ‘But you don’t believe that, right?’

‘No. We know you’re linked to the Humdrum because of Baz. I think we’re right.’

‘But how do we know that’s even true?’ He leans back against the wall. ‘Am I supposed to trust Baz? What if he made the whole thing up to fuck with me?’

‘Simon, I have to tell you something.’

‘That he made me go off on purpose? I already know that. What if it was all just an Old Families plot?’

‘It was my idea. I talked him into it. He didn’t want to do it. He didn’t want to ruin what was between you,’ I say.

His mouth is turned down. I think of Baz’s desperation on the stairs. I’m starting to realise that I can only guess at the true depth of his feelings for Simon.

‘I get why he picked a fight,’ Simon says. ‘But he didn’t have to be so – so – the things he said, Penny. It was like we were still enemies.’

I sigh quietly. I guess that soulmate or not, Baz is still Baz.

‘He really cares about you,’ I say. I don’t believe he’s that good an actor. I don’t believe he could fake all this. Though I guess he did fake all those years of hating Simon, and he was pretty damn good at it.

Simon says nothing. I’m about to get up and go to give him space to think – when he gets like this, it’s best just to give him time – when he turns his head to look at me.

‘Who do I trust, Penny? Baz or the Mage?’

I shake my head. ‘Only you can make that decision.’

*

We stop holding the meetings in Simon and Baz’s room. There’s no more strategizing to do. It’s up to Simon to decide what he wants to do, when he next meets the Humdrum. Making him go off isn’t an option anymore, so we’re back to waiting. Besides, it’s not much use now that Simon and Baz won’t talk to each other.

I’m scared. We might only have a few days left before the Old Families make a move. I don’t know what will happen to Simon, especially now that we don’t know whose side Baz is on, or what he’s planning on doing.

I do the only thing I can think to do when I’m this stressed and confused. I phone Mum on my mobile, when I know Trixie’s gone to visit Keris (I don’t trust her not to report me) (and I know if she’s with Keris she won’t be back for a long time).

We chat about school and my siblings, and then my mum cuts straight to the chase.

‘Is there something you wanted to talk to me about?’

‘Yeah, I’m just wondering about soulmates. Are they…’ I hesitate. I’m not entirely sure what I’m trying to ask. ‘It’s just that Simon…’ But that’s his secret to tell.

‘When I was at Watford – at your age – I had a best friend,’ Mum says. ‘She told me her soulmate’s secret was that he was the greatest threat to the World of Mages that we’ve ever known.’

I frown. Isn’t the Humdrum the greatest threat?

‘Her name was Lucy,’ Mum continues, and her voice softens when she says her name. ‘She thought Davy was a revolutionary. She loved him. I never trusted him, especially knowing his darkest secret, but Lucy… she thought it meant she had to stay with him. That she could keep an eye on him and stop it from happening.’

‘Mm-hmm.’ I hold my breath, waiting for her to keep talking. When Mum tells me a story, there’s always a reason for it, even if I can’t always tell what it is at the time.

‘She disappeared, Penny, about a year before you were born. I don’t know what happened to her. He wouldn’t tell me.’

‘…Oh.’

‘I guess what I’m trying to say is that just because someone is your soulmate, doesn’t mean they are the person you would be happiest and healthiest with. I know there’s magic in it and maybe it’s inevitable that way, but I think it’s something you should keep in mind. We still have our free will.’

I nod. It makes sense – Baz and Simon are soulmates, but it doesn’t have to mean that they will be happy together – or together at all – if they don’t learn to trust and forgive each other. If they don’t stop treating each other like enemies.

‘Wait – Mum – what happened to Davy?’

‘Nothing happened to him,’ Mum says. ‘He’s running Watford now, just like he wanted.’

‘The Mage?’

‘Yes, now you know why I’ve always been so suspicious of him. I didn’t mean to tell you this as a warning, but maybe you should know, since you’re so close to Simon. Don’t let him do anything dangerous with that magic of his.’

‘Okay, Mum, I know. Thanks. I have to go. Talk soon, okay?’

‘Okay. Take care, love.’

‘Bye.’ I hang up and start pacing.

The Mage is the greatest threat to the World of Mages, but the Humdrum is the greatest threat to the World of Mages, but we already know he’s not the Mage, because he’s Simon. What does this mean? There’s another threat that we don’t even know about? The Mage is going to be the one to start the war that will end us all?

Or… the Mage caused the Humdrum?

I freeze. I think about what Mum said. Lucy disappeared around a year before I was born…

I pick up the phone and press redial.

‘Mum? Have you got a picture of Lucy?’