#nothing is concrete rn but felt like rambling about it

[misty-moth]

Alright, alright… SO 👏 that one manhwa I read where the ML reminded me of Arthur, Answer Me, My Prince, has a hella good plot for a lot of ikeseries suitors actually 🤔 the premise of having a magic box that can teleport letters through time/space/dimensions so the suitors could form a bond with MC before they even meet. And depending on the couple, they could decide which one of them wants to travel to the other’s dimension and how.

In some cases it would be like their normal routes in a lot of ways, but it also makes it unique to see how they write/edited about their days versus what actually happened that day…(“just a few light scratches” after a very intense brawl for example) or how the people around them respond to watching that suitor making lovey-dovey eyes at a box all day 😅 if someone else is able to sneak in some letters through that box, too, you get new perspectives of events from other suitors 👀

Idk, I think it lends some interesting ideas to fics I don’t have the oomph to write rn 😭

[itsallyscorner]

I'm loving your little mix works so much I wanted to request something if you're not too busy idk if you've seen the interview where perrie says that alex went to rehearsals with her because she couldn't get choreographies right and he would help her well what if tom did the same for reader??? and Jesy is soft for them but she won't admit it

Hi lovey! Thank you so much for the request! I added a little twist to it, but it’s still the same concept you wanted. AND YES, JESY LOVES THEM TOGETHER SHE JUST DOESN’T WANT TO ADMIT IT. I hope you like it, happy reading!💜✨

💌.

Patience

I hope you enjoy this! I honestly had so much fun rewatching Break Up Song over and over again to get the little dance they do in the chorus, it’s stuck in my head lol. That’s basically the dance the reader is trying to do, if you want to see the dance it’s somewhere towards the end of the Break Up Song video!

You watched the video your choreographer sent to you and the girls. You watched it over and over again, taking a moment to study the moves before getting up from the bed and doing them yourself. The video was a little dance Kayleigh, your choreographer, created for the Break Up Song music video. Since the pandemic was still in full affect and everyone was still on lockdown, shooting a music video at a studio was an absolute no go. As much as it sadden you and the girls that you couldn’t film your original vision for the video, your health and the crew’s health meant the most to all of you at the moment. Instead of not filming a music video at all, you and the girls have decided that it would be fun to shoot the video on your own at your own homes.

Which brings you to today. You were in your room, that you shared with Tom, trying to learn the choreography. Honestly, it wasn’t that hard of a dance, it was quite simple. The video Kayleigh sent you all was probably less than a minute. The dance was supposed to be done during the chorus, the rest of the song would be freestyle or clips of you all doing some nonsense for fun.

Your brows furrowed together, eyes glaring at your phone screen while you tried to figure out how to sway your arms and circle them to make them cross. Like Perrie, it took you a while to learn choreography. Unlike the other three, you and Perrie took extra time studying the dancers and had extra sessions at the studio to get the choreography down. Though it was sometimes frustrating, the end result was always worth it.

You cursed to yourself as the video ended for the twentieth time. You tried repeating the steps, watching yourself in the mirror, but it just wasn’t coming out right. You felt your body growing hot as you became upset at yourself for not understanding a few simple steps. You thought learning through a video would be easier, but no, it’s more difficult for you. There was no guidance from Kayleigh, she wasn’t there to tell you what you were doing wrong or what you were doing right. You just felt lost and confused.

Groaning, you snatch your phone from the table and throw yourself onto your bed. You take Tom’s pillow, hugging it as you lay on your stomach. You shove your face into his pillow, the smell of him with a mix of his shampoo bringing you some kind of solace from your frustration.

(Y/n)🌺: Girls, do we really need to have a dance in the video?

Perrie🦋: Yeah I agree. Do we REALLY need one?

Jesy💖: Don’t tell me you guys can’t get that?

Do you not get it?

Leigh-Anne😻: Huns, it’s like learning a TikTok dance

Jade💜: It’s so easy! Girls, it’s like 30 secs of the video. We always have a dance choreo in our videos!

(Y/n)🌺: But we’re bad at dancing🥺

Perrie🦋: You all know how hard it is for me and (y/n) to pick up choreography:(

Jesy💖: (y/n), isn’t Tom a dancer?

(Y/n)🌺: He used to do ballet and he was in Billy Elliot, he won’t shut up about it.

Why?

Jesy💖: Ask twinkle toes to help you, he might be able to teach you.

If he can teach you how to spoil things, he can teach you how to dance👌🏽

Jade💜: ^^^ she’s got a point

Leigh-Anne😻: Omg Tom did ballet?

Jesy💖: Lmao what a loser

(Y/n)🌺: That’s actually a good idea, I’ll go bother him rn:))

Perrie🦋: Right I’m glad (y/n) has a way to learn the dance but what about me? I live with a football player🙁

Turning your phone off, you hop out of bed and skip your way out of the bedroom. You walk around the house looking for Tom, but instead bump into Harrison and Tuwaine.

“Boys, where’s Thomas?” You ask them, stealing one of the chips Harrison was eating. With a playful glare, he softly smacks your hand. You cheekily grin at him as you eat the chip.

“He’s outside with Harry, they’re cleaning the patio.” Tuwaine answers. Harrison snorts, “And doing a shit job at it.” You quickly thank them and pull on the glass sliding doors to get to the backyard. You see Harry with one of those power hoses spraying dirt off the concrete as Tom stood to the side filming him. You wait for him to end his video before coming up behind him and wrapping your arms around his torso.

“I thought you were supposed to be cleaning with Harry?” You ask him, earning Harry’s attention.

“You know what (y/n), that’s exactly what I said!” Harry answered sarcasticly, spraying the hose dangerously close to Tom’s feet. Your boyfriend yelps, turning around to scoop you in his arms and move you both away from Harry and the hose.

“You dick!” He hissed at his brother. Harry chuckles satisfied at riling up his brother. He turns around and returns to his task at hand.

Tom puts you down on your feet though his hands remain at your hips. You look up at him, admiring the way his eyes and hair give off a sweet honey color in the sun.

“What’s up bub? Have you got the dance down yet?” He asks, thumbs rubbing circles onto your hips. Your face contorts together, nose scrunched up in irritation at the mention of the dance. Tom notices your change in expression and pouts at you.

“I’m gonna take that as a no?” You sigh, leaning into his chest and rest your head on his shoulder. Picking up on your exasperation, he pulls you in closer and places his palm on your back rubbing soothing circles onto it.

“I don’t know why I can’t just get it. It’s so bloody simple and I just can’t do it. Why am I like this?” You ramble, beating your head against his shoulder with every word. Tom makes a sound of disagreement as he gently pulls you away from his shoulder.

Before he can speak he presses multiple kisses onto your forehead making you giggle, “There’s nothing wrong with you, darling. It just takes you a little bit longer to properly learn choreography, there’s nothing wrong with that! You’re an excellent dancer in my eyes.”

You fondly roll your eyes at him, always one for the sweet talk, “You’re only saying that because you’re my boyfriend.”

“No, I’ve seen you dance before (y/n), you’re actually good.” His eyes quickly rake over your body, “But as your boyfriend, I think you look extremely hot when you dance. Especially in those little costumes you wear during tour.”

You wrap your arms around his neck, placing a light kiss on his lips. “Hmmm, ok. Well, then as my boyfriend, will you help me learn the dance?” You try to soften him up with some puppy eyes and a smile that made the corner of your lips squish up to your cheeks.

Without any hesitation, he agrees, not thinking of how difficult it would be to actually teach you the dance.

~⏰~

Hours pass and Tom was slowly losing his shit. He loves you, absolutely adores you, like nothing in the world will ever make him stop loving you. But trying to teach you simple choreography was making him loose his mind.

Tom stares blankly at the floor, sitting on the bed with his head in his hands. You stood a few feet away from him, cringing to yourself as you watched your boyfriend regain his patience with you.

“I love you.” You squeaked out sinking into your shoulders. Tom sighs and takes his head out his hands to look at you tiredly. He drags himself off the bed and stands in front of you. He cups your face in his hand, squishing it gently and playfully growls at you.

“Darling, I love you too.” He affirms with a fond smile. He lets out a breath before resting his forehead onto yours, “I just—why can’t you get it? I don’t understand.”

You pout at him and huff, “It’s not that easy, it’s really hard!” You and him had been practicing for a while now. For the first few minutes, Tom watched the video a number of times until he finally got the steps memorized. Then he took an hour of breaking down each step for you while you stood beside him repeating his moves. When he asked you to do it all together, all the steps you’ve rehearsed went out the window. Which lead to Tom breaking down the steps for you once again and so on.

“Baby, I did everything I can. I’ve done it really slow and explained each step to you.” He reasoned. “I don’t know what else to do.”

“But it’s hard Tommy!” You defended yourself, almost on the verge of crying because you still couldn’t comprehend the steps. Though you were probably overreacting, your whole day had been full of frustration; you were tired and mad at yourself for not understanding something so simple and now it was all coming together to make you explode.

“(Y/n), it’s like only ten to nine steps, you could do it.” Tom tried to encourage you. You groaned and pull yourself away from him. You plop yourself down to the bed, face smushed right into the pillows.

“I’m hopeless.” You said into the pillow, though it might have came out muffled for Tom. Tom frowned at your figure on the bed. He was upset at two things. One, he hated seeing you so frustrated with yourself. He just wanted to wrap you up in hugs and tell you that he was proud of you for trying your best. Two, he was mad at himself for kind of loosing his temper with you. You asked him for help and he did do that but he could have been a bit more patient. He knew you weren’t that good with rehearsing choreography so he should have expected the process to take a little bit slower.

“(Y/n), it’s swing, swing, round, swing, what’s so hard to understand?” Tom swung his arms like how Kayleigh did in the video, though his motions were quite harsh and sharp.

“I don’t know! I can’t swing my arms properly.” You complained, repeating his steps, your arms moving loosely.

“It’s just swinging your arms! There’s nothing hard about swinging your arms!” He exploded, throwing his arms in the air. An almost crazed look was in his eyes as he gripped onto the roots of his hair. Squeezing his eyes shut he took a breath in, “I need a break.”

Guilt filled him as he heard a sniff come from the pillow. Tom was immediately by your side trying to get you to look at him. “Darling, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have yelled.”

He sees you move your face so he can hear you properly, “No, it’s okay, you were just expressing how you feel. It’s my fault I can’t comprehend simple choreograph.”

Tom sighs, shifting so he’s laying against you, head resting on the same pillow as yours while he waits for you to look at him again. One hand supports his head and the other rubs circles onto your back. He feels you relax under his touch making him pull you closer because he felt like you needed the comfort. You were trying your best, he knew you were. In fact, he even saw you getting some of the steps correct, you just instantly doubted yourself.

“No, I should’ve remembered that it takes a few times for you to memorize choreography. I should’ve been more patient.” He began. “And you came to me for help and I did nothing but make you even more upset, I’m sorry.” He apologized. Your head rises from the pillow, Tom softly chuckles at the strands of hair that covered your face.

“Don’t say that, you did a great job at helping me, I’m just—stupid.” You shrug nonchalantly. Tom rolls his eyes, brushing the strands of hair that covered your face behind your ear. “Now that’s stupid, you’re one of the smartest girls I know.”

You snort shoving his hand away from you, “You said I was an excellent dancer and look at where that got us.”

“You are an excellent dancer, love. You just doubt yourself.” He gets up from the bed and holds his hand out for you. “Let’s try again?”

You glance at him then at his hand before finally giving in. You grasp his hand, using it as leverage to help yourself off the bed. Tom smiles proudly at you, pressing a sweet kiss to your lips, “That’s my girl.”

~⏰~

Since standing beside each other was not doing the trick, Tom decided that he would try standing behind you. With your back against his chest, he outstretched his hands to hold onto your arms and guide them.

“Right, so we’re swinging this way, that way, then we go around and swing again.” Tom explained as he puppets your arms in those directions. You stare at yourself in the mirror and repeat Tom’s words to yourself. Tom glances at you from your shoulder, where his chin rested, seeing the gears shifting in your brain.

“Ok, we swing twice, then go around once, and swing again.”

Tom hums at you in response, “Yeah, you’ve got that part down.” He takes your left arm and brings it to your right shoulder, then your right arm to your left shoulder.

“After the swing we go chest, chest, so that it makes an x.” Tom continues to explain. You nod along, making mental notes to yourself. Suddenly, you jump, taking Tom by surprise.

“What happened?”

“I know the next move!” You beamed, shaking your arms from his grip and forming a heart with them. “After the X, we make a heart, and then it’s that shimmy thing.”

The grin on Tom’s face made the corners of his eyes crinkle and made his pearly whites twinkle at you, “Yeah, that’s right! Can you show me the stuff we’ve rehearsed so far?”

You purse your lips at yourself in the mirror, going over the mental notes you took in your head. The opening steps involved a little skipping in place while you punched the air three times; two punches on the left and one on the right. Then that would lead into the swinging, then the chests that make an X, the heart and shimmy.

“You remember darling, don’t doubt yourself.” He motivates you.

You jump around your spot and shake your limbs out, “Alright, I think I’m good.”

“Go for it, love.” Tom nods at you as he stands to the side with his hands on his hips, almost like a dance instructor or some teacher.

“I’m gonna sing the lyrics out, it helps.” You comment. Tom waves you off, “Whatever makes you comfortable.”

“So it’s—so tonight I’ll sing another,” You skip and do the punches.

“Another break up song,” You transition into the arm’s choreography, swinging them and going around once. You jump so your legs are together and do the X with your arms over you chest. You make the heart and do the shimmies, squealing excitedly when you finally get all the steps done correctly.

“I DID IT!” You happily yell jumping into Tom’s arms. He catches you right on time with just as much cheerfulness as you.

“I KNOW, I’M SO PROUD OF YOU!” He cheers making you both jump in celebration. You hug him tightly, continuously thanking him. Without Tom, you probably would’ve never learned the dance properly and would have given up the moment you felt like it. But thankfully, you had a loving boyfriend who never gave up on you. No matter how much you drove him mad.

“Seriously Tom, thank you for helping me. You didn’t have to, but I really appreciate it.” You tell him once he places you back on the ground.

“It’s no trouble, especially for you, I’d do anything for you.” He grins pecking your lips. You hum against his soft lips pulling him back in to meet yours again.

“Let’s just hope I can still remember this till tomorrow.” 

Tom chuckles against your lips, “Darling we aren’t even done yet, that was just the first bit.” You pull away from him, mouth agape, “Wait there’s more?”

[raineeskiesabove]

His Truth | Albedo x Sucrose HC & Oneshot (ish)

Using the hc that Albedo is a homunculus, but the nature of this creature ranges across works of fiction I’ve seen, so the rest is based on my own interpretations;;

These two may be brainy in their respective fields of study, but romance is an entirely new ballpark for both of them

They’re both complete dorks when it comes to “wooing” a special someone, and are too shy to admit their feelings. At least for Sucrose, anyway. Albedo’s feelings are a bit more complicated, as he questions whether or not his feelings are even real.

Albedo isn’t human. His feelings aren’t human. It wouldn’t be fair to let Sucrose grow so close to him. It would only be a matter of time before he would lose control, losing whatever “self” he had managed to develop over the years.

At first, Albedo treated Sucrose like everyone else- slightly distant, but with respect. However, over time, he grew fonder of the other alchemist, of her devotion to alchemy and her sweet personality. Over and over, he’d insist that she could drop the “Mister”, but she never seemed to listen. It was this pressure, of Sucrose respecting him so much, that made him all the more convinced that she shouldn’t grow close to him. The real him wasn’t who she thought he was.

“Sucrose, this is a busy time of research for the both of us. Please keep all conversations short and to the point,” he would begin to say, using a purposefully cold and icy tone.

“Y-yes of course, Mister Albedo!” Sucrose would always comply with his wishes, even if his words stung a little. But she had the tendency to ramble, and simply figured that perhaps he had grown tired of her constant questions, observations, and other such things.

For a while, Sucrose accepted Albedo’s new terms, only asking for his attention when she knew he had a job for her. No more questions about his work. No more asking for guidance. Perhaps, she thought, he was testing how well she could research on her own! She knew she was lying to herself, but Sucrose would do anything to reassure herself that Albedo didn’t truly dislike her.

One day, Sucrose left town alone to collect some samples out in the fields of Monstadt. She hadn’t told anyone where she had gone.

By this point, Albedo was mentally tearing himself apart from the inside out, realizing that he could not bear the burden to live like this. He knew that this hurt her. He could see it every time they passed in the hallway- instead of offering a shy wave, she simply looked away and continued walking. She never visited him in his lab anymore. She never asked questions, told him about the subjects she was most fond of.

But what was more concerning were the changes his body undergone since he had shut Sucrose out. At first it was barely noticeable: a hairline fracture, what seemingly appeared to be a crack, running down from the bottom point of the star on his neck. The crack led to nowhere, and didn’t chip upon his inspection, so he was forced to leave it be. As the days passed, more and more cracks began to appear, now stemming from all sides of the star marking. Soon, the cracks caused the outer layer of his skin to chip off, revealing an unnatural, gold interior beneath. These areas were extremely sensitive, like the star on his neck, making work very difficult to accomplish.

Albedo fell into a state of depression, now without care for whatever happened around him. He could barely sleep at night from how intense the markings felt, but resisted the urge to show anyone. Unlike himself, who eagerly devoured stories of the unknown, the other seeing him would frighten them.

He spent the following days mindlessly doodling Sucrose over and over again. He’d drawn her before, already memorizing each detail down to the strands of hair on her head. Thoughts of her ran through his mind almost obsessively, and he simply couldn’t understand why. He cannot love. It isn’t real. He is hardly real. He needed to let go of her, but any attempt to detach himself proved fruitless.

Only one event, after almost half of his skin had decayed, roused him from bed. A knock at his door.

“Albedo?” It was Jean. “Have you seen Sucrose? No one has seen her since yesterday, and we checked her lab. She isn’t anywhere in town, and I’m getting worried...”

Sucrose? But she never left the city unless it was to accompany him- oh.

He was such a fool.

Pulling up his hood, leaving his hair down, Albedo opened the door swiftly, saying nothing as he passed Jean in a hurry.

The only lead he had to go off of was her elemental traces, which were already fading due to it being a day since her disappearance. Not to mention that he had to move slowly, due to how sensitive every movement felt.

Half a day passed, and Albedo began to fear the worst when the trail led to the Thousand Winds Temple. So many, too many monsters dwelled within this area. It was much too dangerous for one to go alone, especially for Sucrose, who lacked a particularly reactionary element. And by now, a steady stream of rain had begun to fall around him.

Finally, he found her laying lifeless against the cold concrete, surrounded by a Ruin Guard that had seemingly lost interest in her.

If one emotion he never felt was love, the other was anger. Pure, white rage that blinded every other thought telling him to be rational. These feelings were simply overwhelming, his heart feeling like it would burst at any moment.

Defeating the Ruin Guard in a monstrous explosion of geo energy, he rushed to Sucrose’s side quickly, checking for a pulse.

Weak, but alive. Severely injured, but still breathing.

“Sucrose... Sucrose, can you hear me?” Even in a situation as dire as this, Albedo felt his voice come out calmly and even.

At first she thought that she was dreaming. She had convinced herself that she would die out here, that no one would come looking for her. Especially not the one sitting above her now. Her glasses had long been lost, but instantly she knew who it was. Even the act of breathing hurt, but the relief of seeing his face caused a smile to bloom on her lips, a laugh to escape her throat.

“Y-you came,” she whispered.

“Yes,” was all he could say before the tears escaped him, running down his face relentlessly, falling onto the girl below. His sobs were strangled and raw, echoing throughout the plaza they were in. A stream of “sorries” and “forgive mes” were mixed throughout his cries, Albedo’s chest heaving from the sudden burst of emotion. Never in his life had he cried. Never had he experienced the true feelings of sorrow and regret.

She lifted a hand to cup his cheek, perplexed by the gold plating of it, but more concerned with the distress he was in. Never had she seen her cool and collected teacher so vulnerable.

To both of their surprises, her touch did not cause him to recoil, nor did it sting him. But rather, as she held her hand in place, the gold began to fade, again growing encased within his usual skin color.

He held her hand against his cheek tightly, now desperately holding onto it. He had almost lost her, but he wasn’t going to make the same mistake a second time. In terms of his condition, he didn’t understand why he had begun to decay, nor did he understand why she could repair it. But she simply could, and that was enough for him to accept that he needed her.

She insisted to now sit up, which he initially declined to endorse, but her insistence was enough to make him back down in his vulnerable state. Sitting in silence, she broke it with a nervous giggle, noting how both of them weren’t having a very good day.

Through his tears, Albedo couldn’t help but let a chuckle escape him, his forehead falling against hers. The movement caused Sucrose to freeze, shocked by his sudden and uncharacteristically bold move. In her trance, she barely noticed that he had guided her hand to the star on his neck, her touch causing a faint glow to emanate from the marking. Through his clothes, the two could see the rest of his gold spots lit up, the glow fading as her touch closed the openings.

“Mi- ah... A-Albedo, I don’t understand. Are you alright? The unusual markings on the surface of your body looked uncomfortable. Why... why was my touch so effective in counteracting them?”

“That is... beyond the realm of my understanding, Sucrose. But, I seek the truth of this world, do I not?”

She nodded, but secretly wondered what that had to do with her question.

“A long time ago, my master gave me one final task: discover the truth of this world. Days grew into months, months into years, and I never found an answer that I could accept. I grew worried that I would never be able to unravel the mystery presented by my master. Logically, this is likely an incorrect answer, but the truth of this world, my truth of this world... For now, I would like to define it as the love that I hold for you. It is... a bit of a foolish answer, isn’t it?”

“...no. No, not at all,” she whispered, closing her golden eyes. A small smile graced her lips, a gentle breath escaping her nose as her shoulders relaxed.

Perhaps it was only seconds, maybe hours, that they stayed rooted in this spot. But there was still one thing they both knew for certain, regardless of the passage of time around them. In the middle of this damp, abandoned site lost to time, Albedo and Sucrose shared their first kiss.

Eww the formatting HAHA;; Ma’am it is 130am wtf am I doing. I am so sorry if the writing and concepts make no sense lmao I fell down this rabbit hole and it became a pseudo oneshot that probably needs a lot of editing I’m too lazy to do rn. Til next time homies <3

[thespermicidaljellies]

Positive reflective life ramble on adversity, sickness, and the aftermath of 'crisis mode'

So, getting severely physically sick gradually over the past year and a half---because really my doctors and I have figured out its been a gradual thing that's been deteriorating for a while, I realized that even though I've had a LONG series of really awful stuff happen to me, every single thing internally changed part of me in an extraordinary way that's so so healthy and solidifying. It's all because of the amount of work and time I've put in from like age 17 till now in therapy, personally, and within my relationships, and even though I couldn't abate the physical effects or my own frankly severe clinical depression due to genetics, the way I've handled and allowed events in the past year or so to impact me was like the stress test proving that the work has had a permenant impact? It proved to me that as a person I'm healthy, I take things in a healthy way, I approach people in a healthy way, I conceptualize criticism and failing in the healthiest way I can with my rsd, and I set healthy goals and have healthy desires. BUT I haven't been able to actualize any of it because honestly, after everything I kind of just wanted to stagnate and have nothing new happen event wise so that I could just breath and have some stability because I've been totally exhausted and burnt out. I should have taken a semester or a year off of school, the worry and sudden ambivilance to school really hurt my health and my ability to just breath again, and the decision to just tread water and endure without any real changes in my daily routine definetely hurt my energy and health. Taking almost a year off from any kind of dating and sex, and shit even research was good for me. Like to an extreme extent, but I should have listened to my body saying "I'm too exhausted to even use this extra time to benefit myself" and just taken time off from school to work and move out temporarily etc.

But none of that matters now bc I got very very sick, and being bed ridden, isolated, and totally stripped of any sense of security or complacency has really changed my entire perspective on life and the finality of it and the responsibility I have to myself not just internally but externally in the form of action and challenge. My family lives a supremely unhealthy lifestyle and it's impacted me greatly. Our diets are terrible, even with the changes I've made in the past to mine by eating less fatty meat and no frozen foods, it's not enough, I haven't exercised enough or respected my body at all and doing so now will literally kill me down the line. The second I'm medically cleared I'm getting a personal trainer/physical therapist and getting in very good shape, I was an athletic kid and I've said I wanted to do this in the past but there's this weird thing inside of me where a certain threshold is reached where I know that something HAS to happen and it's absolutely going to and it's there, I dont have a doubt in my mind that it's going to happen.

Mentally I need to find a stable medication and therapy routine to treat my dysthymia because I'm unfortunate enough to have inherited my mom's near Electroconvulsive Therapy levels of long term depression, but im extremely lucky it doesn't really come in the form of sadness, just all the other physiological and psychological factors like poor motivation, anhedonia etc. Finding the right treatment now will pretty much give me a baseline to know what my normal is, because it's been a FAT minute since I've been at my baseline, and that'll give me the awareness I need (combined with CBT) to identify warning signs because emotional states aren't identifiers for me. Lastly on a personal level, I'm in fucking shambles rn in all other facets of my life but my health destroying itself stripped me down to only my internal world, and who I am as a person as the only things left. And I feel incredible, like I feel so fucking healthy and loving and assured in who I am and my worth, and all of it has been tested and tried and proven through terrible events, but the only way to remove doubt from my brain was through those events.

I think the past few weeks have been really dark, depressing, and sad for me because its been this weird grieving period of fear and sorrow about all the negative shit that's happened and the perceived loss of the life I've been leading but really, every time I'd think it would lead back to a conclusion of how I'd benefited out of it and the reality that I havent been living, I've been in crisis mode since July 2017, and the strip back down to the core that I'm enduring now is exactly what needed and maybe even what was supposed to happen.

After two days ago, the worst I felt in my entire life, I woke up and like all the fear of intimacy, being vulnerable, taking risks, and making concrete choices is just gone, because there is  literally no more back tracking and hedonistic fleeing from fears even possible. The few people that I've not cut out in my life and have stuck around have said consistently over the past few weeks how much I've helped them and have given so many examples of times where I helped support them at their worst times, from suicide attempts to breaking off engagements to sexual abuse and changing careers, and I honestly didn't realize that people ever thought I'd had that much of an impact in that and I never really believed that I had earned or deserved to receive help or loyalty from people, it's been incredibly meaningful and validating for my biggest difficulty, vulnerability and accepting help. I think once I start to get my shit in order it's time I open myself up to a serious relationship or dating again, but without a goal of actively trying to obtain it, it needs to be with someone who's in the same position I am, the uphill climb AFTER the first uphill climb from neglect and lack of self respect to having identified what the soul needs and wants and what you provide and want others around you to provide to your life as well. I know this all sounds horribly pretentious but I'm here man, like it's all in the past been heal heal heal, and now it's like: the buildings are all built, let's occupy and use them and invite others in to use them as well. Idk yeah, that's everything I guess, I posted this for a specific few people who I know read my tumblr to keep an eye on what's been going on in my life since I'm not active on twitter/Instagram anymore, but thanks to anyone who read anyways.

Officially done with Lyme disease treatment today btw 🤘🏻

[icharchivist]

this is kind of a stupid ramble so don’t bother too much with it i just. had to get this out of my chest. It’s nothing bad, it’s nothing that bumps me out, it’s not even family or health problem, i’m fine. 

As much as I try to be.. let’s say po/sitive, and avoiding ne/gativity over things i like, d/a fandom online (in any corner, not just this hellsite) is a complete landmine. Everytime i grow too confident of how “anyway i like the game too much to be affected by vague negativity” i find one that kinda annoy me and remains at the back of my head for a while and it’s annoying. I end up battling with those for hours, and the more vague the more frustrating. (and it’s complicated to even exactly point out what kind of neg/ativity i mean. anyway don’t wanna talk about that.)

So like I had That Mood again because I am an idiot who don’t remember that there’s a reason why i follow only a very few selected blogs and never go in blogs i don’t know beforehand - 

and my playlist (which was basically my whole music library on random) started playing Enchanter, the tavern song - which is kind of the first tavern song you get in d/ai generally.

And... I was caught back by this sort of vivid memory of the first time i heard this song. I didn’t expect to have Tavern songs in the game, i was already in awe by most of the game, and i entered the Tavern and suddenly the music started I remember I froze irl. I was mesmerized, I put my character near Ma/ryden, and i stayed there for a long while - just starring at the screen, and letting myself being taken by the flow of the moment. 

I can’t even describe what it was like it was just. mesmerizing. soothing. grounding? it was so grounded in the reality of the game that i forgot everything else, all the problems all around me, even more my own problems. lol probably not really good to say it’s when i felt i was investing a part of myself, like i was letting this reality set in in the present, of letting it be its own reality, and that my investment would be from the heart, like i was there.  (not that the others games didn’t make me want to be invested - i kinda invest all of myself in things i do, i pour all my heart in stuff i love, i wouldn’t have played all those games like that this quick if i didn’t care this much. it just was.... guh i really can’t explain it more than that it’s such a special emotion. Not unheard of with me though. It reminds me of when I was 12yo sitting on the (*coughs* forbidden *coughs*) rooftop of my room at night while reading the H/arry P/otter books. or some others moments like that... I have those key moments for some of my favorite things, a vivid memory of something i associate with it - but the H/P one is the most vivid one and... a perfect exemple of this “emotional ephiphany” if i can say? Like, that one moment, where for about Ten Minutes, you were swallowed whole by the fiction you were invested in, with this complete blurr from the world around, with its reality setting in for a moment. That there was no reflection, no external gaze, just living it for a moment. That even the reality of the fiction itself is trensended by the emotion of that reality, that it sets place instead of concrete things. Of that bubble.)

 And the song came on random and it took me back exactly to that feeling for the time of the song. 

I don’t want to be one to complain all the time about the fandom (that’s what my t/witter is for) but sometimes i see out of nowhere things that upsets me in a way that I forget the raw emotions the game actually put me through. The reasons I feel this defensive because those games were... fullifying right at the right moment for me. They had a pretty good timing with my seasonal d/epression, d/ai especially left an impact on me i can’t exactly explain, i don’t know why this one in particular. OTL i mean that’s the reason why i’m at 1k hours of gameplay after 5 months, more or less. 

sometimes i get so fired up, or even worse, fired down (if that makes sense?) and it bumps me out so much that i forget those raw feelings.

those games feel like home - at least for now. 

I should distance myself even more from d/a blogs though. 

idk if i’m just growing old but i saw so many of the things i loved spiral down into a hateful hole to the point i forgot why I ever cared to start with, (H/P serves to me as a perfect exemple there as well. More than J/K/R’s screwups, which helped though, the fandom made it hard for me to look back at it foundly. It’s a hard work sometimes just remembering the simplest emotions associated to it). I just want to avoid it with things that makes me genuinely happy. It’s rare enough that I want to cherish that. I don’t want it to remove the emotions i have already a hard time cultivating those days. 

it could apply to any fandoms but y e. 

Still though I think i’m “back into blogging” (lmao remember when i was saying i was in h/iatus we barely believed it icha). I’ll still do my own rambles and hey i feel comfortable liveblogging a little again it’s been a while. (and in general anything but d/a is sooo not stressful, in the stuff i’m involved in at least. So there’s that). Just need to remind myself to be content with what i have now and stop caring this much for the opinions of complete strangers. to just remember to sit down and remember emotions for a moment and to not force myself to justify them to myself like i needed a good reason to feel this way. And that when i reblog edits/arts to not scroll onto the blog of the sources too much.

and idk why i’m rambling about it rn, just. I felt myself freeze completely as the song played and I felt back in December when I started the game, at this... moment.

I’m doing better now than I’ve been doing just a few months back already, that’s a start. Not great, not amazing, but definitly better.

I... don’t know where i’m going with it. It was. perticular.

[monomas-a-smug-bih]

may i request a monoma x reader where monoma thinks reader likes someone else?

This smug bih is jelly af

(Readers quirk is taking over someone's quirk by touching them for as long as they want. They don't use there quirk but control how the opponent uses it.)

MONOMA NEITO slammed his locker shut more aggressively than usual, catching a worried glance from Kendou. She paused her conversation with a vine haired girl and glanced over.

“What’s your problem now?” She almost groaned puffing out her cheeks. The blonde just shrugged and said it was nothing. He trudged along the long school hallway alone.

No he was definitely on edge about something.

He’d developed an ’ infatuation ’ with some 1A female that participated in the Sports Festival. He was interested by her before, but seeing her be amazing on the battle field seemed to just put fuel in the fire. His fire anyways.

Now, he had a crush on you. Especially since you were patient enough to start up some small talk with him while watching some other students fight it out. He was beyond surprised, not showing any of it on his face of course..

He r e a l l y wanted to hear more of your voice.

But than he realized something, you’ve been talking to that ‘Bakugou’ kid he pissed off at the festival. A lot. Like more than an average person (or Kirishima) could handle, the guy was barely even sociable 90% of the time! So why were you putting up with him instead of Monoma!

Thoughts were rushing in and out of his head, the teachers lesson not even reaching his ears. The ringing of reasons for 'her’ to like Bakugou were far too loud.

Did you like him?

Did he like you?

Were you dating…?

On the inside, he was furious. That dude was a total lunatic with some stupid superiority complex. What does Bakugou have that he doesn’t that you find so appealing? He kinda felt sick, the nausea causing his internal anger to dissipate into worry almost immediately.

His ears were so deaf to the background noise of his surroundings, an orange haired girl had to poke him with a pencil.He was sent a few glances from students, the teacher had asked him a question. 'Shit.’ He hastily smiled politely asking him to repeat the question.

“I said, did you get all that?” He felt sweat trickle down his neck.

“Yes sir.” His smug expression definitely was conflicting with his nervousness on the inside.

After getting out of the classroom way too early for some reason, Kendou filled him in on the instructions for the training today. They were meeting up with class 1A for a training exercise. His ears perked up, now he was kinda excited.

He’d get to talk to you again.

“Pfft I don’t know why, something about team work and adapting to the people and your surroundings and different unknown quirks of others….. you know the deal.” He thanked her and they headed to the arena together. It was a city like setting, with lots of metal pipe structures and frail looking buildings, a little outing clear in the middle of it.( kinda like the one in the new ep w izuku n sero but more clear and like a city? Idk)

There were four roles. Police who couldn’t use quirks, Heroes who could, injured or attacked who needed rescuing(immobile unable to move), and Villains. It was a simple but complicated exercise.

“If a hero, villain or police officer is immobilized or wrapped in white tape, they become the injured and are not allowed to move from there spot. The key to winning depends on how many injured on each side or if all heroes or villains are immobilized.” All might practically yelled.

“You may all put yourselves in pairs.” The tired man sighed, his eyes almost covered by black long hair was evidence to his haggard state.

All might gave an almighty salute to us (see wat I did there hehu) and it was time to team up with someone. His heart sank at the the thought of you choosing Bakugou over him, when he heard you two arguing like a married couple.

“Boom boyyyyy where are youuuu….” you almost sang poking your beautiful head out of the crowd.

“Shut up already! So much for being the fucking patient one!”

Well there goes his chances with teaming up with y-

“Quiet down already, pairs need to consist of one 1a and one 1b student.” The haggard man sighed. Monoma glanced to you excitedly, though managed to keep his face blank.

“What kInD oF FuckerY is ThiS!!”

Taking your eyes off Katsuki, you and the blonde made eye contact, your e/c orbs looking into his pretty grey ones, didn’t you know him from somewhere? It clicked so you smiled brightly and ran over to him.

“Hey hey! I know you! Sports festival right!” You trotted over waving to him. His grey tinted eyes lighting up, he’d be lying if he wasn’t excited by you even remembering him.

“Yep. What is it?” He smiled for a second, it transitioning to a familiar smug grin.

“O-oh! N….Neito! Right? Well we have to choose different pairs now and your the only person I could think of….so…” you tried not to ramble, a little sad that he’d probably say no. His eyebrows bounced up, eyes widening a slight bit, than chuckled. Man did he loved the way his first name sounded in your voice.

“Well I don’t see why not.” He shrugged smugly, secretly dying on the inside about how cute you looked when you stuttered and rambled a little bit.

You two with some others were chosen for the part of heroes of course, and Bakugou was chosen as one of the villains, paired up with some random 1b student.

At the moment, you and the yellowy’ blonde may have been trying to attack a certain explosive boy. He was on a rampage of capturing heroes while you too thought up a plan inside a partially destroyed building.

Monoma distracted him, putting his dodging skills to work, snatching the boys quirk too steal his attention,

“YOU FUCKING COPY-CaT iLl KiLl yOu!”

“Haha, go on and try.”

Monoma was taunting him, so you swooped in from the building jumping towards his back, your hand grazed the ash blondes shoulder, gifting you control over his quirk. He hadn’t seen you yet since you were a fast runner he knew a second hero was present but looked too late to catch you hiding under a wrecked wall piece from a building he’d blown up. You didn’t wanna give away your hiding spot but it looked like Monoma would need a little help soon enough.

“Monoma!” You yelled, he took his eyes off of Katsuki.

“Got it!” You redirected an explosion about to hit him, giving him a change to retreat. Concentrating, you got Bakugou to, basically start self destructing.

“What the f-…Fucking Y/n! FUCKING Really!?” Monoma envied how he knew you enough to recognize you by your quirk almost immediately. Your quirk was quite exciting though, it was practically the ultimate counter attack.

You weren’t aiming to hurt him, but he unfortunately looked down at his palm before hand confused, knocking himself out with a minor explosion that came out of it shortly.

“Shit…. I am so dead afterwards, aren’t I.” You two wrapped him up in tape, leaning him against a wall, and went back into your little damaged building.You and Monoma just sat there on concrete waiting for more villains, awkwardly.

He was itching to ask if you associated your self 'intimately’ with the ash blonde he hated. He had to at l e a s t hint at it right?

“So what’s with you and 'boom boy’?”

“Huh?” You shot him a confused glance, putting a light dust of red in his cheeks. Why did you have to look so adorable?

“Well I mean, you too are pretty close for a pret- *cough* cool high school girl and a short tempered lunatic.” You watched his lips twitch a bit, seeming to struggle keeping on a smug expression, you tilted your head.

'Damn, good one Monoma. You almost called her pretty a n d trashed talked her potential boyfriend in one sentence. Great.’

“You got a crush on 'him’ or something.?” Jealousy was even more unbearably potent in that sentence.

“Kacchan?” You confirmed, he looked at the ground.

You blinked at him, giving him time to say he was joking. Than you stomped on his pride, by instead of replying stifling a laugh. Than struggling to keep it in and practically laughing through your whole sentence.

“Bakugou Katsuki? Pfft he’s l-like a-a brother t-to me.” He let out a quiet huh registering your words after admiring your careless laugh. It was like music to his ears. Now he felt like an idiot.

“W-why-” you gasped for emphasis on your realization.

“You’re….jealous?” His instincts kicked into panic mode the moment he messed up, this couldn’t have gone worse. Like hell someone as smart and pretty would like some smug asshole she’s talked too a couple of times, she’d find out and then. Game over.

“Woah, I was right for once AND made Monoma Neito, the copy cat of class B jealous!!” You eyebrows rose, and then a smug expression took over the features he admired most, then you smiled like an idiot seeing his face turn red. He desperately tried to erase the sound of how nicely his first name rolled off your tongue. He shook his head.

“Pshhh, yeah right. No I’m no-!” Before he could deny anything, you quit the sarcastic scooted closer to him on the concrete floor. You grabbed one cheek and pecked the other softly. This smug boy was beyond shocked.

“Cute.” His face was pink and his thoughts were scattered. You placed another soft kiss on his neck, sending shivers down his back.

For once he didn’t have any comebacks or smug remarks.

I apoligize this is kindaaa long but I was really in the mood for writing wOoPs :)

I explained the game or tranin a. Little to thoroughly because I was planning on maybe involving it in other imagines, like you guys request with a different char and the game, and I can write it as like a diff char x reader with them 'rescuing’ or having to carry you or smth. Idk.

Leave a note reblog and send me some requestssss I’m planning on opening them rn!