#nothing has ever shown us the level of self hatred he operates w more than this

[padfootastic]

buckle up folks im gonna yap a lot here

tl;dr - Remus is constantly operating from a place of very low self worth and very intense self hatred. His sense of self is tied directly to him being a werewolf, the part of him he considers a monster (and therefore, by extension, himself) and unlovable. This informs all his relationships. It would also explain the distance he kept from harry because remus is always chosen by people, he never does the choosing himself. The marauders worked to support him, tonks worked to pursue him, but at the first sign of conflict (or, cognitive dissonance), remus backed off. ran away. Harry, in contrast, never felt a connection and therefore never pushed for it, and remus isn’t the type to take the first step (or really, take any step) so that dynamic never took off the way it does with, say, sirius. (and this is also such a direct contrast b/w remus and sirius, because sirius is a man of action. he keeps moving forward, no matter what happens to him, and he keeps making an effort with harry. keeps choosing him, always, no matter what. it is this effort that harry, an abused, neglected child, recognises and responds to)

ok moving on to the specific interactions i’m looking at:

this comes from the bit in grimmauld place when remus tracks the trio down to ask (read: convince them) if he could join them in their horcrux hunt.

it is some of the most fascinating writing that i think we get (esp wrt remus), because it tells us so much about his belief system, his view of himself, his relationship w his lycanthropy, and his tendency to manipulate others and victimise himself

i. remus and the weaponisation of james

"Just--just to be clear." he said. "You want to leave Tonks at her parents' house and come away with us?"

"She'll be perfectly safe there, they'll look after her." said Lupin. He spoke with a finality bordering on indifference. "Harry, I'm sure James would have wanted me to stick with you."

"Well," said Harry slowly, "I'm not. I'm pretty sure my father would have wanted to know why you aren't sticking with your own kid, actually." Lupin's face drained of color. The temperature in the kitchen might have dropped ten degrees.

this is literally one of my favorite lines by harry. the way he’s pushing back, the way he absolutely refuses to let his dad be used to excuse Remus’ actions, the way he—despite becoming somewhat disillusioned w james by this point—knows beyond a shadow of doubt that james would put his family above all else. he will face a monster down with his ‘head held high and shoulders straight, proud backed’ while being wandless but he wouldn’t abandon his family. and for remus to imply otherwise is downright offensive to harry here. (and this is in direct contrast to the time remus pulled a similar dirty trick in PoA when harry was out after hours; then, harry didn’t, wasn’t able to, push back. here, he can and he does)

remus paling, i interpret in two ways. first, the simple fact of harry disagreeing with him. it’s enough to discombobulate him. but then following it up w the double hitter of ‘dad would NEVER’ and ‘you’re leaving ur kid’, two truths that remus knows on some level but does not want to engage with. harry is forcing him to do so, and he doesn’t like it.

ii. harry, an abandoned child & remus’ blinding self hatred

"I see," said Harry, "so you're just going to dump her and the kid and run off with us?"

Lupin sprang to his feet: His chair toppled backward, and he glared at them so fiercely that Harry saw, for the first time ever, the shadow of the wolf upon his human face.

"Don't you understand what I've done to my wife and my unborn child? I should never have married her, I've made her an outcast!"

harry immediately, without even thinking about, without fully processing it, accuses remus of abandonment. because to him, that’s what it is. he firmly believes that the only reason his parents didn’t raise him is because they physically couldn’t. his parents had to leave him, their murder the only thing keeping them away from him. but that’s not the case w remus; he did the deed, now he must accept & own up to the consequences which he is refusing here. he has a choice, and in harry’s eyes, he’s making the wrong one.

it is also interesting because it shows us how remus reacts to such pushback, to criticism of him. we don’t often see it in the books, not the way we have for sirius (or even james and peter to an extent) bc he’s never rly been in the picture for anyone to disagree w him. but i find it so so fascinating that when harry does it, it triggers him to the point of shattering his facade of calm ‘the shadow of the wolf’. remus doesn’t like it. more importantly, it’s not simple disagreement, it’s being called out. harry is essentially taking him to task for his problematic behaviour, which doesn’t seem to happen often, and because i view remus as having tied his sense of self to his performance as a ‘normal non-creature wizard’ which is synonymous with this veneer of civility, it hits way harder. so harry poking the latter is as good as poking his very self image.

another thing that stands out to me here ‘i should never have married her; i’ve made her an outcast’. remus simultaneously denying tonks’ agency while also not taking responsibility for his own actions. a recurring theme. remus cannot accept that tonks chose him, just as he never fully accepted that the marauders did so as well. for him, the lycanthropy is such a dealbreaker that he cannot imagine anyone ever being able to look past it/or love him for and despite it, because he has never been able to give himself the same grace, so how can anyone else? i don’t want to make it transactional but james and sirius did so much for remus, but how did he act in return? with suspicion, betrayal, and distancing himself from harry. he wants to be loved, but he cannot believe it is real, and so he consistently undermines those who stick by him.

beyond that, though, what is done is done. however it may have happened, they are married and have a child on the way. this guilt spiral will not benefit the kid or tonks; it’s a desperate attempt to maintain his illusion of separation. to pretend as if he can go back to his unattached life where the only person who’s hurt by his lycanthropy is himself, and he cannot be held responsible for anyone else.

remus cannot look past this hatred of his own self. later, he mentions that either the kid will be a werewolf like him (and how can remus forgive himself if it happens) or that it won’t be, and it’ll be better to never have known his father in that case. never once does he consider that in the case of the former, having a parent whose gone through the same experience would actually help the kid; that he can guide him, love him, support him as he wishes he was (again, repeating this, but bc he thinks werewolves can’t be loved). if it’s the latter, then the kid would still have to deal w an absent father (and who, he’d probably know is a werewolf regardless, since how much can u hide anyway?)

and this, ultimately, leads to him not understanding where harry’s anger is coming from. he’s so caught up in his own spiral of panic, fear, hatred, that he can’t see that harry is coming from a place of someone who has actually been abandoned (though not on purpose); who did grow up without knowing his parents, and suffering so much for it. harry, whose only consolation at times were that his parents loved him, died for him. that when he’s trying to tell remus not to leave his kid, it’s coming from his lived experience of facing so much loss. remus cannot, will not, see any of that.

iii. lycanthropy & dehumanisation

And if, by some miracle, it is not like me, then it will be better off, a hundred times so, without a father of whom it must always be ashamed!"

"Remus!" whispered Hermione, tears in her eyes. "Don't say that -how could any child be ashamed of you?"

"Oh, I don't know, Hermione," said Harry. "I'd be pretty ashamed of him."

Notice how he says ‘it is not like me’ ‘it will be better of’ ‘ it must always be ashamed’. IT. his own child, and he steadfastly refuses to acknowledge them as such.

this unborn child, who could have his lycanthropy, is as dehumanised as he believes himself to be. the child can only either be another monster or something to be pitied for having one as a father, nothing in between. remus, despite being the poster boy for ~privileged minority~ who had all the advantages that other werewolves did not, still believes he is deficient, so we can safely assume that he connects it to the very existence of his wolf. so how could this hypothetical kid ever be any different? it won’t matter how much it’s loved, or cared for (which is what the marauders and then tonks did for him, but it still wasn’t enough) because the rot within cannot be cured. or so remus thinks. it’s pitiful and tragic and so, so maddening, because he’s damned this kid before he’s even born. (and not in the lycanthropic way he thinks)

special mention to the following line as well:

and then Lupin said, with an air of forcing himself to admit something unpleasant. "Tonks is going to have a baby."

Tonks. Not Remus but Tonks is going to have a baby. He has already mentally distanced himself from the whole thing, as if his wife had a moment of immaculate conception and he wasn’t a part of it at all. it’s easier for him, this way, because he doesn’t have to think about potentially helping create a baby werewolf.

iv. a werewolf’s quest for legitimacy

My father died trying to protect my mother and me, and you reckon he'd tell you to abandon your kid to go on an adventure with us?"

"How -how dare you?" said Lupin. "This is not about a desire for for danger of personal glory -how dare you suggest such a-

"I think you're feeling a bit of a daredevil." Harry said, "You fancy stepping into Sirius's shoe-

i think both remus and harry are a bit off the mark here. it’s not about being a thrill seeker (and isn’t it so intriguing that harry brought up sirius here, but not in a way that insults his godfather, but only remus in being compared to him? so he’s essentially saying remus isn’t even doing a good job of trying to step into sirius’ shoes) and it’s also not about wanting to be with the trio to offer protection and expertise, as remus is arguing.

in my opinion, doing it this way gives remus’ actions legitimacy. if he’s going w the trio to offer protection and advice, and it’s to end voldy, then he’s not actually being a selfish fuck who’s abandoning his wife and kid. he’s only doing his part in ending the war and this becomes an unfortunate, but necessary, consequence of the same. he can nicely distance himself from the whole thing by wrapping in a layer of righteousness and duty.

and we’ve seen this behaviour before also. remus consistently clings to legitimacy, possibly bc his existence as a werewolf is constantly invalidated. he will convince himself he’s in the right for doing something extremely out of pocket. it’s the only way he can keep his sense of self from shattering, because the alternative is having to confront his worst traits and behaviours and that’s not fun.

v. cowardice and self preservation

"I'd never have believed this," Harry said. "The man who taught me to fight dementors-a coward."

Lupin drew his wand so fast that Harry had barely reached for his own; there was a loud bang and he felt himself flying backward as if punched; as he slammed into the kitchen wall and slid to the floor, he glimpsed the tail of Lupin's cloak disappearing around the door.

!!!! this scene!!! is literally a slap in the face and a reality check for everyone who claims remus is the most even tempered, logical, and pacifist of the marauders. he did not last a few minutes before he was provoked to physical violence (enough that it left an egg on the back of harry’s head). he attacked harry, violently and without warning, and then ran away. didn’t come back to check on him. didn’t ask him how he was. nothing.

his action came from a last ditch attempt at protecting himself, able to think of nothing but escaping what he perceives as a violent confrontation (which is, harry shoving cold hard reality in his face) so he responds in kind. this is not remus disagreeing, or even fighting harry. it’s simply a buildup, and expelling, of his intense need to get out of this situation, by any means necessary. even at the cost of others. all harm is negligible as long as it’s not him. (in fact, the only harm that is really acceptable to remus is the self flagellating kind- peak id based defence mechanism)

(special mention to ron and hermione’s reactions after this confrontation, along with harry’s delayed onset low level guilt. narratively, it made complete sense for harry to lash out the way he did, to call remus out this way. objectively, he wasn’t wrong. and yet, r&h tell him he shouldn’t have done that, and implicitly side with remus. harry himself feels a bit bad about it later- though this is the most understandable reaction of the three. once again, remus is excused by the writing, despite acting in such a way. no wonder people didn’t think he did anything wrong lol)

and remus being a coward. extremely, extremely clear throughout the series. he keeps people at arms length, best exemplified by his non-relationship with harry. it’s how he tries to protect himself.

- x - x - x -

this scene is from shell cottage, after malfoy manor and before gringotts. lupin is crowing w joy about becoming a father to a baby boy.

now, to be fair, i do think like- pre-baby jitters is a fairly common thing, and one that can get resolved after the actual birth bc now this tiny human goes from being a concept to something real, that ur holding in ur arms, right? that realisation that you’ve just created life, something so vulnerable and that depends on you for their entire survival—it’s terrifying, yes, but also concrete. it’s not the abstract kind of fear he had earlier. hence, the change in emotions. i think there’s also an element of ‘i cannot believe a monster like me created something so human. so beautiful’ that adds to his giddiness, and if given time, teddy could very well have been the impetus for remus to untangle his own skewed self worth, for him to begin thinking of himself as a person deserving of love and life as well. but alas, that could not happen bc we needed teddy to parallel harry 😓🫠

that being said, i am more interested in remus’ interactions with harry, yet again.

vi. remus’ conflict avoidance

"Yes- yes- a boy," said Lupin again, who seemed dazed by his own happiness. He strode around the table and hugged Harry; the scene in the basement of Grimmauld Place might never have happened.

"You'll be godfather?" he said as he released Harry. "M-me?" stammered Harry.

"You, yes, of course -Dora quite agrees, no one better”

specifically this part: ‘the scene in GP might never have happened’ - once again, remus has brushed past his actions, his mistakes, the harm he’s committed. once again, due to a situation of emotional upheaval and extreme joy. (i compare this to the moment in the shack, when the truth comes out and it becomes clear that remus has believed the worst of his best friend. it is, due to the charged atmosphere of the moment, never acknowledged—and is, in fact, cheapened & likened with ‘sirius supposedly thought remus was the spy as well’ attributing, imo, false equivalence)

he doesn’t acknowledge what he’s done, just as he never did it with sirius, or with harry for never getting in touch with him pre hogwarts or post PoA. again, you could argue it makes sense in that it’s not relevant to the plot, or that he shouldn’t have had to justify himself, but when u add it together, i think it paints a very conflict avoidant picture of remus. uncomfortable conversations are not his thing. i think that’s why people think he’s the peacemaker or the non-aggressive party. it’s not that he’s advocating for a resolution, it’s that he absolutely refuses to step in. even when he takes a stand, it’s in a diplomatic way, and this isn’t to defuse the tension, but again, to protect himself. he’s not in the business of calling attention to himself (because it’s dangerous if anyone looked too close) and that looks, on the surface, like he’s calm and collected when really, he’s just scared.

vii. harry & remus

not a text, this time, but just me musing on harry never once referring to remus by his name. in his head, the man is always called ‘lupin ’. in fact, i did a word search across dh and the only times remus shows up is when it’s in a dialogue and someone is calling/talking/referring to him. harry always thinking of him as lupin, as one would with a distant acquaintance. there doesn’t seem to be any kind of familiarity, or even any desire for it either. the only time i could find him referring to remus by his first name is when he sees his body in the great hall (‘Remus and Tonks, pale and still and pale-looking’). immediately after that, during the storm scene, he’s back to remus.

it’s like his death was so jarring that it knocked their distance loose for a minute, but then it snapped right back. it’s so deep seated.

i find it particularly interesting because remus should have been a strong contender for harry’s affections. he has a direct connection to the parents harry craves, he is a ‘cool’ adult, he’s usually pretty careful about not infantilising harry (atleast compared to others), and he acted as a guide w the dementors (giving him space to talk ab how he’s affected by the dementors, reaching harry the patronus and indirectly, giving him a piece of his dad to protect him). so yeah, remus should’ve been much higher up the adult priority list but alas. remus is particularly good at what he does.

(another special mention to the final battle when harry uses the stone-

"I didn't want you to die," Harry said. These words came without his volition. "Any of you. I'm sorry-"He addressed Lupin more than any of them, beseeching him. "right after you'd had your son ... Remus, I'm sorry-"

"I am sorry too," said Lupin. "Sorry I will never know him ... but he will know why I died and I hope he will understand.”

i want to say, i fully understand where this dialogue comes from and i’m not actually attributing malicious intent to it. but, but. that being said, i find it downright hilarious that out of the four marauders and lily that have come to harry, remus is the only one who’s words are all about him lmao. like, harry is apologising, basically taking all the blame, and even in death, remus cannot be like ‘it wasn’t you, haz’. everyone else is talking about how brave he is, or how they’re proud of him, or how he shouldn’t be afraid of dying, but remus is like- nah. i’m not hearing you. and idc bc teddy will forgive me 🥰’. just, hysterical.)

gonna end this here but know that i can keep going haha

i wish we talked more about remus in DH bc it’s such a fascinating, crucial piece of characterisation that is glossed over 99% of the time

i have read literal thousands of fics and never once have i seen it even obliquely referenced