#not used to Just rambles honestly. not for this blog at least . a bit nerve wracking . . but too tired to go draw

[cent-scratchnsniff]

yesod with snake tongue yah or nah

i saw one depiction of him like that on Pinterest or something and I must get artist/character dissection-er opinion. you write abt these weirdos so detailed so scrumptiously......... i gotta know bro. what does ur brain say

also fangs. vipers got big teeth, so does the traumatized purple bush viper have them in your mind..

I AM SO SORRY i didnt think that much time had passed . im absolutely shit at keeping track of it . . . its put under the read more since it is a lot of text. A Lot of just rambling. primarily relating cognition filter. and also lor and lobcorp spoilers somehow?? i just cant stop myself. hope this is what you intended for

a bit funny to think of actually. realistically likely no. but to actually go ahead and have it like such would entail that either:

1) biologically such traits were subtly given to be able to qualify as such as for teeth the placement next to/rotation position of the teeth causing for it to either potrude or just seem sharper/feel sharper along with actions taken by lifestyle festyle (grinding of teeth/different diet due to intake of food textures needing to be broken down) and for the tongue just something born with (eg bifid tongue possible to occur in a human being for a multitude of reasons. im not well versed inside the dental/oral area like teeth or tongues since i have a personal ick when it comes to research or just thinking on it specifically w that area so its not exact. feel free to correct in any part). he doesnt seem the type to undergo a procedure specifically for looks in order to attain such a thing considering its aesthetic and serves no practical purposes. besides like. idk kissing?? if you want to get 𝓯𝓻𝓮𝓪𝓴𝔂 i guess. not to say the guy cant express himself but also its not really necessary and also kind of out of the way along with complications that can occur because of such a procedure that could just be avoided.

2) the cognition filter decided to display it as such due to it being based off of perception. since it is cognition and essentially ayins Ego of a basement its possible that feelings or thoughts of how someone wouldve looked like couldve been reflected as such. eg malkuth and hods hair length being switched from elijah and michelle. elijah/malkuth always had a more energetic type personality so shorter hair for ease of movement and more of a 'spunky' type makes sense appearance wise to have it reflected as such. hod's longer hair being seen as more 'youthful' aspect or less active of the sort. her more meeker personality and softer approach, an aspect that needs more tending to or just seen as more stereotypically 'feminine'. putting in quotes since its more of perception than reality but you get the point. even though michelle had shorter hair herself. essentially tldr thoughts and perception of a persons said personality mightve been picked up for said cognition filter for the sephirot. all to say and lead back to. hehe. viper. considering the nickname and thought of him being a viper is pretty common (see lcorp netz and employees and also lor roland dialog as well) it would make sense to even subconsciously have such a thing stick. especially since an aspect of the story in lcorp talks about names and nicknames and calling people/remembering them/knowing them by something. along w abels own thoughts of names. brought up to say it is something that is pondered about/significant enough in a way to Be noted and remembered. also tldr. hehe. tongue. fangs. mister viper having viper like traits shown in the filter when he opens his mouth to speak

2.a) i guess it could be called a subsection of number 2. how does is cognition filter?? did angela herself have to go ahead and set it up? in day 40 its said that lcorp didnt have a cognition filter set in place before at some point (at least for the employees and abnormalities). its stated that the cognition filter had to go ahead and be changed for CENSORED specifically and its form had to be changed to just bars for the sake of sanity as well. which entails some form of adjustment or ability to go ahead and have some say in what is projected or known to be projected. i suppose it is possible for it to simply be in instructions and akin to a dial with customizable settings though... but even then it seems she knows what the cognition forms look like? inside lor it seems like the screens display their cognition filter forms in the managers office ever since the first day of work. she also discusses not wanting to see their expressions as there wasnt any point to burden her memory further with them. along with knowing what said faces would go ahead and show. perhaps im remembering it wrong and it couldve just been for employees but it seemed like she was talking abt the sephirot primarily. does she also just have the cognition filter on? was it just for the sake of storytelling and visuals? bc it had, at least in the office and for the sephirot, existed then inside the cgs. anyways. if paired with the previous thought since this is more of a continuation, that would entail her seeing those aspects attributed to the sephirot due to the cognition filter/perception even though it isn't what they had looked like. considering the fact ayin had a picture of those brought back to l corp its not unlikely that angela saw what their 'first lives' had looked like along with aspects of carmens memories left from the brain pattern she was based on it would be understandable to recognize the differences inside appearances. but other aspects such as you know. oral details wouldn't have been able to been recognized or seen. paired with the sentence of tiph inside story 1 of lor insinuating that either the light or angela's own thoughtfulness helping dictate their appearance in some manner could mean that her own skewed perception due to the filter and limited knowledge ending up causing for the man to wake up w such aspects. shittiest week of your life to go to a stalemate you dont quite support the outcome of the collection of your labor and despair only to wake up in the library w a weird set of teeth and an odd tongue. quite funny me thinks. going to attempt to speak and situate the self to not only be inside a foreign fleshy body constructed of light after having been living inside a fabrication, a lie, of inhumanity as a machine and metal tin for skin but to also have attributes not even recognizable as originally having such as appearance and internally as well. a little less funny as an aspect of the self was misconstrued and also had no form of control over such an aspect. paired with the fact it wouldve stemmed from limited knowledge from angelas parts if that was the reason as to why such a thing could occur inside the body. which was also inforced by a skewed perception of him by ayin and having nothing else to go off of. id be a bit ticked off if some guy i was already pretty angry w and felt unbearable hatred towards at times (lcorp dialog 6) went ahead and caused alterations to my body because of restrictions of knowledge and information towards another. actually just reminded me was the fact he would still see hallucinations ever brought up. i mean it would be really awkward to go ahead and just drop that on roland bc it would be effectively telling that to some co worker you dont know much abt that and he isnt really the type to do that. okay yeah lcorp dropping 'at time i see hallucinations when changing my clothes' but also memories w manager x ayin situation. got side tracked. anyways.

mostly the thoughts pertaining to it. the idea is kinda funny to think abt. neat to draw as just some traits since hehe. viper :). personally i probably wouldnt draw it or see it for him myself unless it was smthn specific or wanted by another. . not to say its bad but more of. body. human body. everything that entails having said body. mush of thoughts.. might make for a fun short back and forward though. if a dialog exchange is able to work out i might doodle abt it actually. hope this is perhaps satisfactory. i was planning on smthn else to accompany it but its been long enough already i feel..

im pretty flattered the ramblings i make were even somewhat seen akin to dissecting even still.

extra rambles underneath i cut

do patron librarians/assistant librarians have a proper internal systems like organs. can they fall out. if you cut them open would they be any biologically different from other human beings considering the fact its stated multiple times they arent quite human due to their status of beings constructed of the light or is that more applying to their already established psychologically unstable self (also tiph lor dialog) which allows for utilization of abnos inside receptions. im getting off topic. anyways the reawakening inside a body right. it is implied that the patrons were in bodies they would be comfortable in. mostly insinuated by notes done by the team when designing them inside the artbook iirc. artbook 1 i think? talking abt trying to go ahead and nail yesods design down to where it would be something He himself would be comfortable in and fit Him himself. which then implies the fact that comfort and viewing of the self would be taken into account for the bodies. wait where am i going w this i spaced out and forgot AHHH

[fallout-drabbles-n-stuff]

Pining/romanced companions react to a sole who got stuck in the oddest place in the most awkward position + helping them out but it involves some awkward touching and positioning! (Ps i love reading your blog, always makes my day 😁❤)

(Thank you so much for your patience, lovely!)

Cait:

"Ha! Oh wait, I'm sorry- I shouldn't laugh atcha. Don't give me that look, I'll get you out- just...wish I had me one of those working cameras."

Her automatic way of deflecting her awkward feelings was by trying to use humor.

Despite that, she is honestly pretty chill with the situation. Cait herself has very little shame, so the very most she would feel is discomfort in fear of overstepping some of your bounds with the way she has to touch you.

Curie:

"Sacrebleu! Are you alright? Can you still move all of your limbs..? Just, remain calm madam/monsieur, I'll go get help!"

Her first priority is to make sure that you can safely be released- not even once thinking of the inevitable.

She of course is aware of her feelings towards you, being practically slammed with them each and every time you smile at her. However that feeling of pining doesn't interfere with her ability to ensure your well being. All feelings put aside, she will not rest until she has you out.

Danse:

"....*curses under his breath*...Don't worry soldier, I'll have you out in no time."

Wouldn't it have been nicer just to have shot him in the foot? Danse surely thought so. Once he assessed you and found that you were physically okay, his gut would clench up with nerves- having realized what his next step would be.

It was so silly, he was a grown man- a Paladin for Pete's sake, and he was reluctant to grasp you in such a way just because of his feelings for you. For this, he would later ridicule himself.

He's absolutely dead  whenever he realizes that at one point he has to stand directly in front of you to free you, inadvertently putting your face close to his crotch. Yes, his souls just completely leaves his body after that.

Deacon:

"Shit, well- let me go get the oil and we'll see what we can do."

No. Just no.

Deacon doesn't like being touched himself, so holding you in such a light as well combined with his general discomfort for human contact leaves him in a very tough predicament.

He isn't kidding. He will go get the oil goddamnit.

Gage:

"Woah, must be my lucky day! That's quite the nice view you're providin' boss. Hey, I'm just joking.."

He's not.

Gage knows better than to overstep his bounds..but he also knows when a glorious opportunity presents itself.

If only for a moment, he will unashamedly take in the view before -quite terribly- attempting to force you out of whatever you are stuck on.

Hancock:

"Well well, this sure is one heck of a pickle you've gotten yourself stuck in...heh, not funny? Too soon? Well never mind that then, sit tight."

Hancock? Uncomfortable with touching someone? Please.. Okay, maybe he is a little nervous about doing it to you, but that doesn't mean he is going to show it one little bit.

He'll play it cool, get you free in no time.

Macready:

"Hey boss...you do know that this wasn't a part of the route, right? I'm just joking, sheesh. Relax, I'll um, well, I'll try.."

Does he seem like he's doing good? Because internally? He's a hot mess.

Macready is pretty immature, so the mere thought of having to touch you mad position you in suggestive ways makes him both chuckle and blush like an idiot. Had you been anyone else, he probably just would've said "tough luck."

Maxson:

"Fuck.."

He didn't even mean to say something so brash, it being "unbecoming" of someone in his position to do so. In his defense, he couldn't think straight after seeing you in such a compromising position- his mind torn between thinking of how screwed you both were if you were ambushed..and how he'd have to pull you out of your position by some rather unfavorable means. Well...he wouldn't mind them too much.

Nonetheless, Arthur ends up fumbling terribly and making a fool out of himself more than he already had.

Nick:

"Dear heavens, okay kiddo, I need you to stay calm and still.."

Those feelings he harbors for you play no device in this. All he knows is that he needs to get you free.

Old Longfellow:

"Now how in the blazes did you wind up like that? No wonder you were taking so long cap'n, heh, I'm just pulling your leg.....literally."

Gets a kick out of it, not even thinking about the fact that he was actually going to have to maneuver you around-

However he is no child, he's touched plenty of ladies/men in his lifetime. But..feelings do complicate things, don't they?

Piper:

"For the love of everything good.."

She's totally cursing herself at this point, only to look down and blush when she realizes you thought she was making a remark towards your current predicament. Afterwards she'd make a huge deal about telling you that isn't at all what she meant and how sorry she was...rambling so much that you current position is lost on her until you give an irate "ahem".

Preston:

"Oh damn, um, just let me know...*starts trailing off* if I need to stop..."

Oh god, oh fuck..why did he just say that?!?!

He instantly is reduced to a bumbling mess. His usual smooth charisma being reduced down to the equivalent of a super mutant's.

Please have mercy on him. He might even make himself get stuck too..

Sturges:

"Shucks, uhhh- dontcha worry one bit, I'll get ya out of there."

He doesn't know whether to think himself lucky or cursed.

He's had his fair share of being stuck himself, so he at least knows how to move you around just in case that was an issue. That being said, he can't get the vision of your forced position out of his head no matter how hard he might try.

X6-88:

"How do you even manage to do these kinds of things? Never mind that ma'am/sir, remain as still as possible."

By nature, X6 is unreadable. His emotions hardly ever seem to surface, this predicament brings forth no exceptions.

Even if on the inside he is doing a little victory dance.

[taliaquinn]

Why Me!? Chapter 10

"I am finally putting in my withdrawal"

“From Bustiers?” Max asked. Although somehow a small part of him knew what was about to happen. 

“From Francis Dupont,” She said, although with a bit of a smile.

Marinette finally felt happy. She was going to leave a Toxic environment, and for once she didn't give a crap about who it might hurt. What people didn't know was that in-between leaving Damocles Office, she left to go to the bathroom. Honestly, she was fully prepared to cry. However mid-sob she got a call, From Gotham. 

She quickly answered through teary eyes, not realizing she left facetime on.

“ Mari I Can't wait for you to come to you won't believe it, Bruce is going to take some time off, Cass has been a whirlwind making sure to have everything ready, Oh boy Jason and Tim are excited to meet you, Damian is excited to have a sibling to which he can teach proper Swordsmanship, and Alfred has been fussing over everything and everyone.’’ Dick was rambling while shoveling in spoonfuls of cereal into her mouth, Not even noticing he was face timing. It was amusing to Marinette. 

“Oh and Bludhav- hang on were you Crying!?” Dick suddenly seemed to notice a red-eyed Marinette. 

“Actually no I was just about to start” 

“About to start??? Huh? Maribug what’s going on?” Marinette couldn't help but flinch slightly at her new nickname. Seriously if only they knew about her extracurricular activities. She’ll be seen as such a weirdo.

“I just withdrew from my school after I got accused of assaulting someone again and honestly I’m s-so FED UP!!!! Honestly, I put in 100% in making sure the class is great and fun. Everyone has what they need. We are always the highest-ranking kids' grades wise because of me. But I can’t even say anything or else I'm being too greedy, or too narcissist or too selfish” She finally unleashed everything.

Dick seemed to be quiet and was just staring at her as she rambled. Finally, he let out a sigh god this sibling he’s only known for a bit and she's already rambling about her issues. Thank God. He couldn’t deal with another family member that liked to hide their feelings. This was his chance. 

“Maribug Listen that school honestly sounds like a sh*thole and you need to get out. The sooner the better. You know that you’re at risk right” He was a Police Officer, he knew that situations like this often ended with those who suffered from abuse blowing up. In the Worst Ways.

He decided to continue. He had a plan.

“Look ya need some perspective, some space. You’re coming to Gotham? And you’re Parents are withdrawing you from School already, by the way, excellent parenting, so you’re essentially schoolless. Why don't you apply for school here? You could go to school here for a semester and then figure out everything else.” He finally asked.

Wait a minute. That was a great idea. Ten times better than her original plan of just going home and crying while shoveling pastries and ice cream into her face. She hoped to get hopefully accepted into online Highschool. School In Gotham would be a nice change. School and Life in America would be another chance. She’ll get to learn more about her Father's family. Maman and Papa would finally be able to see another possible location to possibly open a new bakery.

“That sounds so Great you have no idea.” She said with a slight smirk.

As soon as she announced her withdrawal there was an immediate uproar. Most of the screaming came from Chloe, and Marinette couldn’t help but feel touched by how much Chloe cared. 

“ DUPAIN-CHENG YOU CAN’T ABANDON US WITH THESE IDIOTS!!!” Chloe shouted. 

All of a sudden Adrien stood up and went to grab her by the arm and drag her out. But shockingly Marinette dug in her heels and shoved his hand away. 

“No I am not going to hide away, I am going to stand here and you guys are going to Listen,” She said while staring at Adrien in the eyes. Lila for once seemed to be quiet. She was so interested in this. For once she wanted to see the outcome without her manipulation. 

“Fine” Adrien moved to sit back in Marinette's old seat. 

“I am going leave School, Right now I'm planning to enroll in a school at Gotham”

“Gotham as in crime-ridden, dirty and dark Gotham City?” Adrien asked incredulously. 

Okay, Marinette needed to do more research on Gotham City….Dick would help her get by. Hopefully. Maybe Damian had a point when he was forcing her to learn how to punch. She's been relying way too much on her magic. She wasn’t exactly bad at fighting, she was just inexperienced. Luckily Damian decided to be helpful, mean but helpful nonetheless. 

“Yes precisely that Gotham” Maybe she should have picked a Boarding school. Oh Well. Too late for regrets now.

“OH MY GOSH!? GOTHAM HAS BATMAN!!!” Alya suddenly jumped up and yelled.

“Since The Waynes suddenly left before Lila could get me an interview, You could act as my correspondent in Gotham,” She said excitedly.

“Are you kidding me no way.” Marinette spat out. Was this girl demented?

“You and Lila are both setting me up for expulsion, you released a video expecting me to get backlash-which backfired horribly by the way- and now you have the nerve to ask for my help?” Marinette seethed, upset and annoyed. Gosh, she’ll take Gotham Crazies over these Lunatics any day, at least those she would be allowed to punch. Without repercussions anyway.

“What video are you talking about Marinette?” Chloe asked because of course, that's what she focuses on.  

“The video on the Ladyblog” Max finally stated because he likes to keep track of information.

“ oh that explains why I didn’t know, I quit reading that trashy tabloid a loooong time ago”

“WHAT Bourgeois you better take it back, The Ladyblog is respected and adored”

“You're kidding, right? Please traffic on your blog has slowed ever since Aurore released her blog which is ten times better. Did you hear? Lois Lane from the Daily Planet, a very respected newspaper in America,  loved her blog and even gave her advice” Chloe taunted.

Alya was pissed. Ever since Aurore released her blog she has stolen a bunch of her audience. Honestly, her blog was losing so much traffic to Aurores since she had an endorsement from Killer Bee. 

Alya, of course, got an invitation to go to the Journalist banquet but she wasn’t allowed to take a plus one. Which of course was devastating to Lila since she couldn't go and see Damian Wayne. Poor Lila quietly told her how sorry she was since that meant she wouldn't be able to get Alya the interview. 

Of course, Alya being Alya tried to get sneak Lila in however they soon saw another girl who was trying to get in as well. However she had an invite, and Lila needed it. Lila however quickly pointed something out. 

“Alya can you believe what she’s wearing and oh go is she trying to come off as a junior reporter for some trashy tabloid, hmmm seems like someone more else deserves it more” Lila softly stated.  Of course, Lila was right, someone else deserved it. And Alya needed that interview.

Quickly Alya pulled Lila along towards the girl who was taking out her pass. 

“Excuse me, I’m sorry but I seriously need that Press Pass” Alya stated. Alyas' back was turned, so she couldn’t see Lilas growing smirk.  

The girl was slightly startled however she noticed that the red-haired girl with glasses already HAD a press pass, why would she need it? Of course, she couldn’t just SAY that. “W-why would you need it if yo-you a-already h-ha-have one?” she managed to stutter out while tightening her grip on the press pass around her neck.

“BECAUSE my friend over here was denied one, even though her boyfriend is going to be in there so please just give it to us so I can get my interview” Alya snapped she was honestly losing her patience.

“I-uh No Way it’s mi- '' Quickly as a flash, Alya leaped forward and snatched the pass straight from the girl's neck. Of course, the girl leaped forward to try and take it back. Alya, however, stepped back and roughly shoved the girl back who promptly fell back and landed on her behind, ripping the girl's skirt and tearing her suit jacket. 

Alya quickly handed the pass to Lila, who walked up behind her to take it. “You should have learned how to fight back better” Lila sneered towards the now tearful girl. Alya looped her arm around her and dragged her towards the entrance. Unfortunately for the security personnel witnessed the incident and refused to allow them entrance and were about to go check up on the girl. However, it was too late. 

“Yes Hawkmoth”

They all heard it coming from where the girl previously was.

That was one of the few times she caused an Akuma, unfortunately, they had to run after the girl was akumatized. Lila, unfortunately, had to leave due to her mother worrying. Luckily Adrien was gracious enough to grant her an interview, but he was distracted and jittery throughout the interview, a huge boom from far away caught his attention and he mumbled a quick apology and dashed off. Alya was desperate for more gossip and intel so she followed him but unfortunately lost him. Luckily she caught an argument between her ex-friend and Chat Noir. The outfit was beautiful and eye-catching, however, Alya only got angrier because that meant Marinette was allowed entrance.

Alya with the sudden realization snapped her head and glared in Marinette's Direction. 

“Why were you even allowed in?” Alya snapped. 

“Because I Designed and Made Nadia Chamacks Dress” Marinette Snapped back allowing a bit of pride to seep into the words

“Marinette Sweetheart it's time to go, we have to go and pick up your luggage before dropping your luggage,” Sabine said while standing in the doorway of the classroom. Sabine had her head turned towards Marinette, she quickly stepped out but quickly directed a glare at Madame Bustier. 

Suddenly Chloe surged forward along with Juleka towards Marinette. Chloe quickly latched to Marinette. “ MARINETTE PLEASE I AM BEGGING YOU TAKE ME TO THE STATES WITH YOU IF YOU LEAVE ME HERE WITH THESE IDIOTS I MIGHT AS WELL SAY ADIOS TO MY SANITY RIGHT NOW” Chloe wailed while still clutching to Marinette. Marinette felt bad but hey what could you do?

Juleka quickly stepped forwards and struggled to yank Chloe away from Marinette eventually needing Max to Help. Finally, with a Final tug, Marinette was released from Chloes clutches.

“Don’t Worry I’ll take care of her and keep her from committing homicide” Sabrina stated.

Marinette quickly had a few words with them. With a final Group Hug which consisted of Juleka, Max, Sabrina, Ivan, and Chloe. Chloe still had Marinette in her clutches for a few seconds afterward. With a sigh Marinette freed herself. 

She turned towards the “Lila Side” however looking at them with slight disdain. Keeping eye contact with Lila she finally said whats she's been wanting to say from the day she met Lila.

“Goodbye”

Tag List:

 @amayakans​ @depthfire

[black-streak]

Waiting for the Worms - Bring the Boys Back Home

Part 11

Jason's time up until the blackout. Very few warnings for this bit... Umm, mention of guns and a touch of violence later? This part is a bit shorter than usual, especially in comparison to the last part.

CLOSED LIST. Tickets for the angst express are sold out!!! : @northernbluetongue @thethirdwheelfriend @shizukiryuu @theatreandcomicfreak @michellemagic @karategirl119 @moonlightstar64 @my-name-is-michell @mystery-5-5 @zalladane @queen-of-the-trash-planet-tm @miraculousdisapointment @dorkus-minimus @jardimazul @allthebooksandcrannies @g-arya @worlds-tiniest-spook-pastry @persephonescat @mycupisbroken @luciferge @18-fandoms-unite-08 @dawnwave16 @alwaysreblogneverpost @kris-pines04 @mysteriouslyswimmingfan-blo-blog @weird-pale-blonde-person @you-will-never-know-how-i-think @kokotaru @naclychilli @slytherinhquinn @clumsy-owl-4178 @ladybug-182 @darkthunder1589 @evil-elf16 @dast218 @lysslovsanime @emilytopaz @naoryllis @iloontjeboontje @thepeacetea @danielslilangel @finallyaniguana @i-like-fairytail-and-stuff @vixen-uchiha @yuulxd @bleeding-heart-romantic @magic-inthe-stars @st0rmy-w1th1n

~---~

Explaining why 'Marinette' had a newfound interest in guns and weaponry had been difficult to say the least. Sure, she already took martial arts and Jason added kickboxing and trained with the team regularly, but her parents weren't aware of the latter and quite frankly, the team showed some confusion as well. Sure, Kagami already new fencing and regularly used a bow staff as she saw fit, but guns? That was something else. Jason always had an interest and refused to give up, especially with Bruce no longer able to restrict his training. Tikki, surprisingly enough, fully supported the decision while Plagg actually showed more caution. 

Nevertheless, with the excuse of wanting to know how to disarm and be able to disassemble a weapon in case someone were to attack him, Sabine reluctantly agreed to allow him to attend lessons and visit a shooting range. After figuring out the basics and quickly dropping the lessons as to not raise suspicion for the real reason he wanted to learn, Jason took Kaalki and borrowed Plagg so he could transport to isolated locations and use Tikki's creation magic to summon different models and learn them inside and out along with explosives that he took apart and put back together under the careful guidance of Plagg. When he was done, he let Tikki remove it from the world once more, undoing any damage he might've caused. 

With graduation in two weeks and Marinette's seventeenth birthday right after, Jason knew he had a few decisions ahead of him. 

Honestly, he just felt grateful Marinette skipped a grade when they were younger. He's not sure if he could take another year of living like this. The fight to stay normal, to stay under the radar and appear okay itched at his skin, reminding him at all times that it wasn't his. Back before the nightmares began, he almost settled into the routine, almost adjusted to the too smooth skin, the brush of hair between shoulder blades, the small stature and feminine voice he spoke in. Living as her almost came naturally. Sometimes he forgot Tom and Sabine weren't actually his parents and that his teammates didn't know the truth of who he was. Then the dreams started and horrific imagery flooded his mind every few nights and everything felt wrong again. Suddenly he couldn't forget where he was, who this body truly belonged to, the fact that he was meant to be dead, not finishing schooling. 

The methodical rhythm of disassembling and cleaning weapons eased the tension and grounded him in his worst moments. Maybe if he knew how every weapon worked and how to counter them, the constant attacks in his dreams wouldn't terrify him so much. While his dream self seemed to have no issue fighting back and taking out his unseen enemies, his brain couldn't keep up in his sleeping state and threw him into a breathless fit, shaking and panicking as he startled into wakefulness. The panic lessened since starting to learn, so he figured he just needed to learn more and adjust. Really he just wished the dreams would end.

His phone buzzed, startling him out of his contemplative state. Raising it up, he checked the caller ID before answering, the video chat opening up to show Marc.

"Hey, Marc, what's up?"

"Kagami said she needs you to transport back now, something about disappearing too much for your own good?" 

"She's one to talk. Alright, heading back now. Have somewhere in mind?"

"Chloe's suite. We're all gathered here," Marc said, shifting in place, more comfortable than they once were, but still shy by nature and unable to hide the edging nerves.

"Oh really? Maybe I should just head home then. Sounds like an intervention."

He watched as his friend jumped a bit, surprised eyes widening rapidly. Before they could even begin to speak, Jason chuckled, cutting them off.

"I'm opening the portal now. See you in a moment." 

Hanging up, he opened his bag and woke the sleeping kwami to transport them back to Paris. Upon arriving in Chloe's suite, said blonde launched herself at him, wrapping him up in a hug and swinging them about with the momentum.l, before immediately backing off before he could get annoyed, Kagami coming up from the side and gripping his sleeve in her own form of affectionate greeting. Marc and Juleka looked up from the couch and offered excited smiles.

"You're all entirely too happy. What's happening?"

"Your birthday is in three weeks," Juleka stated softly.

"You're finally hitting our age, oh fearless leader," Chloe drawled out.

"You say that as if you aren't already eighteen," he deadpanned back.

"Semantics."

"There are some highlights to graduating and be surrounded by legal adults," came from his side.

"Like?"

"Your parents agreeing to let you go on a trip with us, no real adults present. Happy Birthday, Marinette."

"What did you guys do?"

Marc spoke up here, "well, we were trying to think of what to give you and I remembered how much you use to talk about leaving Paris all the time and with how much you've been using Kaalki to escape, we figured you wanted out, especially now that Hawkmoth isn't necessarily holding us back anymore and your guardian training is complete. So then we had to think of where to go and what to do and maybe Chloe and I remembered back years ago, no matter how your list of places to go changed, one always stayed the same and-," they rambled in a spiral until Juleka landed a hand on their shoulder, cutting them off gently.

"We're going to Gotham," she offered.

He felt his pulse pick up and eyes widen, thoughts and emotions tearing through him too fast to hold on to.

"Mari? This is an excited reaction right? We can change plans if you no longer want to go," someone spoke. He had to stamp down his anger and tears, to reassure his teammates they hadn't done anything wrong.

"No no, I'm thrilled, I just never thought I'd be going there as an adult is all."

"Oh," Chloe flinched, putting two and two together first, having been the most present back when the connection broke and knowing something bad happened to Marinette's soulmate, "Mari, if it hurts to go there, we won't. I didn't realize," she trailed off.

"I want to."

"Are you sure? This trip is supposed to be a celebration for you."

"It'll give me closure. I want to go. Thank you or this," he forced a watery smile which ended with another hug from Chloe and soft smiles from the rest. They couldn't have realized what type of closure he sought out. Bruce, explaining why he thought it okay to let his soulmate pass on without a proper funeral, without any retribution or justice for their death. The Joker dead. Some people should not be allowed to live, he'd always believed that and the clown was one of those people. Sure, this would look like petty revenge, but how many others lost their soulmate to his hands? This was necessary. And his team had just given him the means to do so without raising suspicion. He felt a type of peace settle over him as he thanked them again for their thoughtful gift.

…

Two weeks came and went and suddenly they were graduates. Suddenly, her birthday was upon them and her parents presented a beautiful cake and invited all of their friends and family over to celebrate. Tom cried over his baby girl growing up and Jason teared up, knowing she never did. He hugged them twice as tight in apology, giving watery smiles mistaken for his realizing his own new status as an adult, if a young one. Gifts were given and promises were made and at the end of the day, it all hit like a whirlwind. She'd been dead for one week short of three years. On the anniversary of her death, he'd arrive in the place where it all began. That godforsaken hellhole of a city. It felt like poetic justice. He struggled to fall asleep that night.

…

His nightmare was more vivid that night. Throwing a blade at a barely seen threat, pinned beneath another, the streak of silver above him and downpour of blood. Moving out and up on instinct, and meeting terrified green eyes.

Moving down a path, a glance at the bodies in another. The woman from before, the other one with the jade eyes, among them. Twisting the kid out of sight and away from there. A dark tunnel. An abandoned building.

He woke then, bright blue and acidic green eyes watching him wearily from the other side of the room. Shoving it down, he shifted over and fell back asleep, use to these restless nights by now.

…

The airport was too bright and loud for this time in the morning. Their flight was at eight in the morning from Paris, meaning they would arrive in Gotham around ten in the morning. Time zones were annoying that way. All of them had stayed up the entirety of the night before and planned on sleeping for the duration of the flight as though that would help. Eight hours in a plane with only two hours difference in time was sure to throw them off no matter what.

Either way, they all boarded, tucked into their first class seats, courtesy of the rich kids, with blankets and reclined positions and went to sleep.

… 

Landing, going through customs, and retrieving their bags went smoothly enough, making it to their hotel rooms by ten thirty. Now they were regrouping, having dropped off their things and changed out of their airport clothing. The urge to pass out for another eight hours was tempting, but none of them had anything in their stomachs and food took president for now.

Picking their way into a coffee shop down the road, Jason ordered a latte and a slice of pumpkin bread and settled in a corner table, blocked off from most of the place. 

As the others slowly trickled over with their own findings, a tension slowly grew amongst the group. Amongst the entirety of the cafe actually. Looking around he couldn't catch sight of anything out of the normal. Surely none of the rogues would attack here. It was just a cafe, nothing worth holding up. Until he remembered where they were. On the very edge of where the penguin's territory usually landed. Right on the edge of where Scarecrow's usual haunts began. Glancing about more frantically to see why everything had fallen silent, the privacy of his corner table also blocking too much of the view, a scream picked up right as a cloud of smoke spread from the last table to their own. 

Stiffening up in preparation for what was to come, the breath knocked right out of him as a sharp yank came from the back of his head. No, his mind. Right as the cloud reached his face, he blacked out.

…

Coming to, he jumped up, dizzy and disoriented. The room spun and he immediately fell back into his seat when a movement in his peripheral caught his attention. His hand instinctively yanked a knife off the counter (counter?) and launched it towards the figure while he twisted to face them.

When the room stopped spinning, he caught sight of the boy standing in the doorway to what appeared to be a bedroom, jade green eyes trained on him as he carefully pried the knife out of the wall beside his head. Once it was freed and lowered in his grasp, he turned fully towards Jason, eyes hardened with a wary glint. Everything went still.

"Marinette?"

[the-heartbeat-carries-on]

With My Heart in My Mouth

(Original fiction by Mod Cuore of @the-heartbeat-carries-on)

Here it is! Decided to write a bit of original fiction with a cardiophile theme :D This was fun. A little rambling and very informal (and first person, present tense, what even), but still fun to do. I hope you all enjoy it! (Rated PG for mild language)

~~~~~~~~~

Right now, teleportation sounds like the best idea in the world.

Picture me, a young woman in love, having brought her boyfriend back from the airport after a nervous but still joyous car ride. I'm beyond excited and happy that he's finally in the same house as me instead of a few thousand miles away. Picture him flopped over on the couch. He's exhausted from all the travel, but still eager to spend time with me and is in cheery spirits (even if his eyelids are dipping every so often).

And then, picture me, wanting to dive into his arms and flee the country at the same time (the latter possibly including a new identity). We’d hugged for a long while at the airport; in fact, I’m pretty sure people stared as the minutes-long embrace went on… and on… and on… So why was I getting cold feet about… well, about this?? Isn’t it natural for a girl like me to want to cuddle with her boyfriend? And listen to his heartbeat? Even though it’s something he doesn’t like? His heartbeat, not the cuddling. Jury’s out on the cuddling. But I know for a fact that he’s said before he doesn’t like heartbeats. Which you’d think would be a dealbreaker for someone like me, a cardiophile who’s loved hearts for as long as she can remember.

But noooo, my heart didn’t think that was a problem. So here we are, in my house, me sweating like a fountain and him stretched out on my couch… looking so nice and relaxed… and looking like he has the perfect spot next to him where I could fit in nice and neat--THERE I GO AGAIN.

Unfortunately, for me, he seems to have picked up on the anxiety. “You all right, Jenny?” Dammit. Either I was too obvious or he's just that good at reading people. Probably both; he’s always seemed like a people-person.

“I…” Right now would be the perfect time to lie about it, right? No, no good… he hates liars. I suddenly found just about every piece of advice I’d ever heard about honesty starting to flood my head. “Communication is key,” it all says. “It’s important to talk things out,” comes another voice. Sage advice to be sure, but with my heart pounding as hard as it is right now, can I even get the words out?

“You…?”

My lips finally part. “...Are you tired?” DAMMIT, Jenny. Just… go bury yourself in the corner, why don’t you.

He nods. “Yeah, I mean… it was a really long flight. But you look tense.” He pauses a moment, an odd look of shame crossing his face. “Oh, no, sorry; you probably wanna sit. Hold on.” In a few swift moves, he’s sitting up on the couch, cheeks a little red. Nooo, Will; that’s the LEAST of my worries. You’re not taking up space.

Well... if he’s offering me the spot, it’d be rude to not sit there, right? It’s a few moments before I find myself creaking toward the couch, like I’d just hopped off of Frankenstein’s table. Will isn’t keeping it a secret from me that he’s confused by the way I’m acting, his bushy eyebrows doing all the talking. Honestly, he has every right to be; I feel like an idiot. And all because I want to cuddle up next to him and…

He reaches over and puts a hand on my shoulder. “You’re looking really pale; you sure you’re all right?”

I try to look over, but the gaze from his slate blue eyes is a little too much. My heart punches me in the back of my ribs and I cough a little. “I’m… just kind of…”

His expression melts into one of warmth and concern. “If you’re nervous, you really don’t have to be. I mean… wait, what am I saying…?” He takes his hand off my shoulder and buries his face in his hands. “I mean… okay, I’m a little nervous myself. But… I guess a bit of nerves in the beginning is healthy. Means you’re not taking this lightly or for granted.”

That’s true; after all the time I’ve spent, thinking about me and him together, I’m not going to let any of it seem as though it’s something I’m owed. Heck, the fact that I’m together with anyone seems like a miracle in of itself after all these years (crushing on people is hard… at least for me. I feel lucky this even happened). So, with that in mind… I guess I can relax a bit. I smile, trying to look at him but still avoiding his eyes. “Y-You’re right. I guess I’m just nervous. I just… I’ve been waiting for this for so long.”

He smiles, his slightly crooked teeth glistening in the remnants of daylight streaming through the window. “Me too,” he says.

A few moments of thick silence (save for the ticking of the living room clock and the ridiculously loud pounding my heart is doing, what the heeeelllll) pass before I decide to clear my throat. “Um… I h-hope this isn’t too forward of me, but…”

What am I doing?

“...I was wondering…”

Oh no.

“...if you wouldn’t mind…”

MAYDAY, MAYDAY; SOMEONE OVERRIDE MY STUPID MOUTH, QUICK!!

“...could we, you know… cuddle, maybe?”

...I blew it. That was WAY too forward, wasn’t it? I mean, this is only our second time of meeting in person, the first time we’ve met as a couple. Heck, maybe he’s not even into cuddling. He’s a hugger, sure, but… but maybe… ohhhh, I blew it.

“...Sure.”

There’s no way I can accurately describe the tone of his voice. A period doesn’t do it justice, and an exclamation point makes it sound way too enthusiastic. But there’s a definite tone of… happiness to it. It’s lighthearted, gentle… maybe not super eager, but it actually sounds like he’s… into it.

I can feel a stupid grin crawling onto my lips; good luck prying that off, I tell myself as he starts stretching back out, watching me, waiting for me to… oh, he’s patting the side next to him. I look at his face.

He’s smiling. Ohhh heavens, I can’t take this. Maybe it’s quicker than I should move, but I almost slam myself down by his side trying to fill in the space.

“Whoa! That was a rush and a half…”

I breathe in sharply. “Are you okay?? I didn’t hurt you, did I??”

Thankfully, he’s shaking his head. “No, I’m fine. That was just, I dunno, REALLY sudden.”

“Ah, sorry, sorry…” I mutter, resting my head on his chest. I try to make it as casual as I can, but, truth be told, this is what I’ve been waiting for. I’m just hoping HE’S okay with it.

I can feel him gently wrap his arm around me as I settle my head down, suddenly hearing the sound I’d longed to hear ever since my feelings for him developed.

B-thump b-thump b-thump b-thump b-thump…

I am both simultaneously mesmerized and flustered. On the one hand, I’m finally getting to hear his heartbeat. On the other hand… so much faster than I was expecting!

...And I suddenly realize that it’s probably beating that way because of me. My own heart skips a few beats, something I don’t realize he can feel.

“I think something happened…” he says. I look up into his face; his eyebrows are still reaching for his hairline.

“A-Ah, yeah…”

“It felt like your heart just kinda had a freakout.”

A wave of warmth rushes through me as he says that word, “heart.” Ordinarily, anyone saying that word would make me smile, but him? The way he curls the vowels and the “r” sound just… it’s too much. My face goes a little redder.

“I’m just… I’m sorry.”

His eyebrows crease even further. “Sorry? Sorry why? You literally haven’t done anything you need to apologise for.”

I sigh, more blush creeping up my neck. Might as well remind him, shall I? “Okay, I… you’re right,” I start. “I just… d-do you remember that first letter I gave you? Way back when we first met?”

He closes his eyes as he thinks back. “Man, that was so long ago. So much happened too; what was in it?”

No use turning back. “Well, I… I told you in it about my being a… a cardiophile.”

Yep, there’s a definite silence here. “A what?”

“I like hearts. A lot. It’s like…” The words just started pouring out. “It’s like a lifelong obsession for me. I’ve liked them ever since I was little.”

“Ohhhh…” he says, looking up as though he’s searching his brain for memory banks. “So that’s why you’ve got all that heart stuff on your blog.”

I nod slowly. “Y-Yeah…”

“So…” He looks down at me. Not two seconds go by before someone turns on the light behind his eyes (I could almost swear I can see it). “Ohhhh. You can hear my heartbeat right now, can’t you?”

All I can do is nod. “I just… I just remembered something, though.”

“What’s that?”

“You said on your blog, a while back, that you don’t like heartbeats.”

He thinks for a moment. “Yeah, I just, couldn’t really stand hearing my own so often. Like, lying in bed at night when I’m trying to sleep… Also kind of reminds me of all the horror games I’ve played. And that’s not something I want to have when I’m trying to sleep.”

He stops a moment, looking a little embarrassed. “Buuuuut I mean, if you like hearts, hey, who am I to judge?”

...Did he just say that? Really?

I can hardly believe it; it feels as though a weight has been lifted. “You’re… okay with that?”

“Why wouldn’t I be? If it makes you happy, then like away. Just because I don’t like my own heartbeat doesn’t mean you can’t. I mean... it’s not hurting me or anyone else if you do. At least, I’m assuming you’re not gonna plunge a dagger in and scream ‘Kali-ma!!’ or anything like that. If you do, I’m afraid we’re gonna have to rethink this relationship thing.”

I giggle. I have never felt so good or validated in my entire life. Smiling intensely, I let my head nestle into the gentle curvature of his chest, taking in every enthusiastic beat. A few seconds slip by before I say “In that case, let me love the parts of you that you don’t like. That way, all of you can be loved and appreciated.”

“Awww…” His expression lightly rumbles through his chest and his heartbeat picks up slightly. I catch a bit of blush on his cheeks before he closes his eyes, sighing deeply. It’s a few moments before I realize that he’s drifted off, finally robbed of consciousness at last by all the travel.

Welp. Looks like I’m stuck here beneath his arm, nestled between him and the back cushions of the couch. But with his stamp of approval and my new location next to his heart, you won’t hear me complaining. In fact, you won’t hear me at all. I can’t hear his heartbeat if I’m making any sounds of my own, after all.

[quell-tea-salon]

Yumeiro Cast Dream Show 2017 event report!

In my short time in Japan I’ve attended quite a few concerts and seiyuu events, and this concert is honestly one of the best that I’ve experienced. I know this blog is mostly for QUELL, but I don’t have anywhere else to share this from... Feel free to scroll past if this isn’t for you.

I’ll also be rambling a lot about Hatanaka Tasuku and Hayashi Yuu ;w;

I recall regretting applying for tickets at some point, because having to travel from Kyoto to Tokyo (or rather, Chiba, since the venue was Makuhari Messe) just for the concert was a huge pain, and very expensive. Boy, am I glad I did though. To begin with, getting tickets to ANY popular event is a tough process. You have to enter a draw to have a shot at getting a ticket, and if you miss out on that, you’ll have to buy the tickets when they go on sale later, and they usually sell out in under ten seconds. I’m not kidding. I’ve experienced this pain. On multiple occasions. Anyway, the first draw was opened to players only (the URL link was a banner in the game’s home screen), which is a really nice gesture. I managed to get a ticket in this draw :)

I arrived at the venue about 30 minutes before the show and bypassed the merchandise corner, as the queue looked scary and I didn’t have much time. Jumped in the queue to take a photograph of the standees (pictured above; and yes, there was a queue for this too), which took about 15 minutes, and then rushed over to join a queue for one of the bathrooms (all of them had long queues /pukes blood). I started chatting with a lady in a cute dress in line behind me and found out that we both have Kaito as our fav (plus Subaru for me). She was happy to find another Kaito fan and whipped out a couple of beautifully packaged small prints from her bag and handed them to me *_* Turns out she’s an artists and draws a lot of Kaito!! I was so surprised but flattered and felt bad about not having anything on hand to give her in return... I just gave her the kiwi bird badge from my backpack that I picked up while traveling in New Zealand, sweats...

Minutes till starting time and we were still caught in the queue, though getting very close to the bathroom. We debated giving up and leaving to find our seats so we wouldn’t miss the opening act, but decided to stay since having to leave halfway through the show for the bathroom would be worse. A few minutes later we heard screams coming from the arena and thought that the show had started, but the girl behind us assured us that they were just playing some promotional videos on the big screen and that nothing was happening on stage. We passed the message on to the group of girls in front of us as we heard them fretting about the same thing. Community spirit!

I parted ways with my new friend after leaving the bathroom and went to find my seat; inside the arena the lights had already been dimmed and clearly something was about to start. I was still stumbling around in the dark when all seven members of Yumeiro Company burst onto stage to the tune of CALL HEAVEN!! and by the time I found my spot they were probably halfway through the song;;;;

My seat was on the third floor, but quite close to the left side of the stage, so in a way it was a good spot as I could just barely make out the faces of the performers standing on my side of the stage. Their formation, from right to left: Subaru, Kaito, Sousei, Kyouya, Hinata, Iori, and Jin. I was still shaky from scrambling to find my seat and honestly don’t remember much, but I know that they were all dressed sharply in formal suits, and that the chorus had a dance routine that was fun and cheerful, fitting of a musical show. As we all know, the cast of YumeCast has a lot of strong singers, so I could relax and appreciate the vocals. I managed to find my pen light too and was ready to finally join the party :3

After the opening act I thought they would break for an introductory talk, but they launched straight into the next song. Everyone except Kyoya left the stage as the intro for Kyoya’s solo, Kimi ni Chikatta Monogatari started playing, and we all scrambled to change our pen lights to pink. Tbh I think Ohsaka Ryota’s one of the less experienced singers in the group, but I was pleasantly surprised by his solid performance. He definitely leveled up a lot since the start of YumeCast, and each of his graceful, princely gestures was very much Kyoya.

Hinata jumped onto stage next to perform Glass no Shoes ha Niawanai (I should mention that these solos were game-sized length and played back to back like a medley). We all melted at how cute he was, and he even slipped in a few lines directed at “oneesan! ;)” *Audience screams and dies* Uemura Yuuto’s usually a good singer but he went off-pitch a few times, probably due to nerves...

Iori was next with Tsumetai Yozora wo Terasu no ha. This is the third time I’ve seen Hanae Natsuki live, and you can tell he’s a seasoned performer by how comfortable he is on stage, and how his vocals are always clear and steady. His lines as Iori made a lot of people in the audience scream, but honestly whenever I see Hanae his joker character is all I register and I couldn��t really appreciate Iori LOL.

Kaito appeared on stage, rocking along to PASSION LASER BEAM, and this is where I died. Hayashi Yuu is phenomenal to watch live, he’s arguably one of the best singers of the group and is amazing at working the crowd, which isn’t surprising considering he’s the vocalist of Screen Mode. Hayashu brought a living, breathing Kaito onto stage in all his haughty glory T_____T It’s my dream to one day catch Screen Mode live as well...

Jin’s Kokoro no (ry was up next. I have to admit that I’m not a fan of Jin’s singing, I think it forces Ono Yuuki to fake a lower register which stifles his singing and it sounds unnatural, which is a shame when Onoyuu has such a lovely smooth voice. Onoyuu kept his fooling around to a minimum at this point, but he couldn’t stop his sunny trademark grin ww

SUBARU! WITH BACKDANCERS!!! Performing You & Me... de, Wave!!! If I had to pick a fav moment in the show, this would be it. Hatanaka Tasuku is SUCH a skilled singer, there’s so much energy in his voice, and his solo even included an intense dance routine which was amazing to watch. This is my fav solo charasong from YumeCast and Subaru completely smashed it... I’m buying the DVD later so I can watch it again ;____; I was so blown-away by the performance that I didn’t even notice what he was wearing >< I also noticed that one of the security staff near my block, who, up till then, was doing a good job of checking on the audience, couldn’t help but look at the stage once Subaru started singing. He watched up till the 2nd chorus lol before turning back to his job.

[OOT: This is my second time meeting Tasuku and each time I see him I feel like a proud mother watching her son grow by leaps and bounds >< The first time I met him was at the 5th fan meeting for Nariyuki Night, hosted by Tasuku and Yonaga Tsubasa. It was a small, cosy event of maybe 200 people, and it blew my mind that we got to see them at such a close distance. The coolest part was that they implemented a bunch of interactive activities to get the audience involved, one of which was a game where they had to guess an item based on clues shown on screen and borrow it from the audience.... Which meant that they had to run up and down the aisles of the seats, and at one point Yonaga grabbed a girl’s hand and escorted her down to the stage *_* Tasuku came by my seat and stopped to think about clues, so I literally had him standing next to me for like half a minute ahjghadllkjad. Also they were dressed in school uniform as one of the many suggestions for the “summer theme”; Yonaga in a beige vest, short sleeves, and colourful hairclips in his hair (he really looked like Nagisa from Free!), and Tasuku with a loose red tie and long shirt sleeves rolled up to his elbows. Cute af. Prior to that I’d only seen Tasuku on livestreams and heard him on radio, and I’m glad to report that he’s every bit as earnest and clumsy in person as he is on air, like an awkward oversized puppy still learning how to walk but excited for someone to throw him a ball ;w;]

The last solo was Sousei’s Dare mo ga Ashi(ry. I was looking forward to this as I’ve been a fan of Toyonaga Toshiyuki since his Tenimyu days, and I love his singing voice. He wasn’t as smooth as in the recorded version, but still a delight to hear live.

Without giving us time to catch our breath, the show moved on to the next song. Hinata appeared on stage in a dark suit and a cape, accompanied by dancers dressed in ghoulish outfits. It was Mysterious Mission! This was a super fun song with a cute zombie dance, and at one point Hinata was hoisted up onto the shoulders of the backdancers in a sort of ALL HAIL YOUR CUTE MONSTER LORD routine. An oh, all the songs from this point on were performed in full :3

Next, Subaru and Jin appeared in santa outfits for Holy Melody Night. This is probably one of my least favourite songs in YumeCast, imo it’s the wrong key for both singers and doesn’t really showcase their voices. They were both so cute on stage though! Running from one end of the stage to the other and waving at us with huge smiles. The concert hall was enveloped in a warm, sparkly atmosphere ;w;

Next was the moment I had been waiting for - Kaito’s Kamigami no Senen (still not sure about the reading for the last 2 kanji tbh). I was hoping that this song would be included in the set list T_______T Kaito caused a stir when he appeared on the stage at the back of the arena, which I wasn’t even aware of. Dressed in graceful white robes and enveloped in mist, he was so beautiful to watch, I forgot to breathe... This song is a Big Deal for me because it’s an unseen side of both Kaito and Hayashu; before Kamigami neither have ever performed with such delicate vocals afaik. Even Screen Mode’s ballads have a completely different feel. When the song ended, the audience quietly broke into applause, instead of the cheering or screaming that happened with other songs...

Kyoya appeared back on the main stage with Sand Mirage, dressed in an Arabian Nights-esque costume and matching dancers. I’m very fond of this song, it’s so catchy and seems to fit Kyoya’s vocal range the most! And it definitely showed off his singing skills. Beautiful vibrato on the notes at the end of the chorus ;3;

Sousei and Iori gracefully descended upon the second stage in butler outfits. The yandere Tapestry song! They started off with a short skit, probably lines from the musical, and when Hanae fumbled one of his lines Tosshi teased him about it ww This is one of my favourite duets but sadly the vocals were rather shaky, with both singing off-key at many instances. A+ for the skit, the bedroom lines directed at “ojousama”, and Sousei’s psychotic laugh at the end.

I should love Final Approach since it features my two favs Subaru and Kaito, but unfortunately it’s one of the most boring songs for me... It didn’t stop me from appreciating the singing though. And the beautiful harmonies in the chorus. And the two boys in pilot outfits. And the high-five halfway through the song!! This was also the moment I understood the reason why some people bring two or more pen lights as I couldn’t decide whose colour to use...

Jin and Kyoya rose up from platforms under the stage in shinsengumi robes for Hi ha Noboru(ry. The katanas holstered on their hips were drawn for a fight scene vs the back dancers! The stage was bathed in violet and blue to match the moody atmosphere.

Then Iori and Kaito hopped onto stage and we all bobbed along to Sekai ha Koi to SWEETS! AND! KISS! *waves pen light frantically* This is such a cute song and both Iori and Kaito were super cute, throwing saccharine lines at the audience and getting everyone to join in the fun ;w; Iirc both of them even threw us some flying kisses....

Next, Stronger Than Medicine with Hina and Sousei. In white doctor’s coats and supported by a big group of dancers, Hina played the experienced head doctor while Sousei tagged along like a clueless junior lol. Parts of the dance were very cute and funny for comedic effect, and though for the most part it wasn’t an intense dance routine Tosshi still managed to show off his dancer background >< I kinda wished that we got to see him dance in a more high-tempo song, but Sousei gets all the ballads...

Around this time I noticed that a group of staff were busy setting up some sort of elevated platform-trolley thing at the end of the corridor between the 2nd and 3rd floor; I’d seen something similar happen at the Yuri on Stage event and my heartbeat jumped as I guessed what would happen next...

When the lights turned back on, the rest of the crew had joined Hina and Sousei on stage, and everyone was in their blue and white sailor outifts for Sunshine World Tour! This was the FIRST break in the show, can you believe it? The cast FINALLY introduced themselves (still in-character), and then Sousei announced that the show was about to come to and end, which came as a surprise because it honestly didn’t feel like the show started that long ago, even though we had actually sat through a LOT of songs. The audience began to whine “Ehhhhhhh?” Then the music for Sunshine World Tour started and the cast split into 2 groups, making the audience scream when they headed into the crowd, climbed up the stairs to the 3rd floor, and boarded one of the two trolleys on either end of the corridor. The audience went crazy when they realised what was happening! On the trolley that started from my end of the hall were Kyoya, Jin-san, and Hina, singing and waving enthusiastically at the audience as they traveled around the U-shaped concert hall. I couldn’t believe my eyes when they passed right in front of me... From my seat in the 2nd row they were SO CLOSE, and even at eye level! I honestly could’ve hi-fived them if I stretched out my arm. When the 2nd trolley came by I had my pen light set to orange and hoped Kaito would wave at me, but he was busy engaging the upper floors. Iori met my eyes though and gave me the sweetest smile ;w; They were meant to sing Sunshine World Tour, but very little singing was done as everyone was busy greeting and waving at the audience wwwwwwww It was a real treat for everyone on the 2nd and 3rd floors...

After the trolleys reached the opposite ends of the hall, the cast made their way back to the main stage and we were asked to sing along to the the chorus for a while as lyrics popped up on the screen :D After the song ended, the cast said their thanks and waved goodbye before disappearing backstage. The lights dimmed again and the audience began to chant “Encore~! Encore~!”

We were probably in the dark for about 5 minutes before the cast came back onto stage, dressed in Dream Show 2017 t-shirts. The cast could finally introduce themselves lol. “We can finally speak! As ourselves!!” “It is okay? Can I really start talking? OKAY I’M DOING IT :DDD” Onoyu let loose and chaos descended upon the stage wwwwww There was no outline for this talk segment so they pretty much did whatever they wanted www

What I can recall, in dot points:

Thanked us for all the love and support which allowed YumeCast to reach it’s 2nd anniversary

Ohsaka was super nervous as it’s his first concert, and Tosshi said that he kept muttering “I’m so nervous” up till the moment before their first appearance on stage, yet once he stepped onto stage he slipped right into character and looked so calm and confident

Tosshi and Onoyu admitted that they sing with their faces (their facial expressions are “noisy”)

Tosshi praised Ohsaka for bringing the rowdy team together like a real Kyoya, and Ohsaka lamented the fact that nobody listens to him while the rest of the team surrounded him and danced and hooted like gorillas www

Tosshi thanked the crew and staff for all their hard work behind the scenes, from dance choreography to costumes. Staff were always on standby backstage, ready to help them change into their next outfits, and as he watched the staff work frantically to keep the show running he truly felt like he was part of a real life Yumeiro Company troupe.

Up till the last rehearsal, Hayashu got one of the hand gestures for CALL HEAVEN!! wrong (he made a fox shape instead of a “W” for “welcome”)

Tasuku and Yuuto put in a lot of practice for their dances. Yuuto practiced his zombie shuffle even while out walking in public and got stared at. “My favourite part of the dance is when they lift me up! :D”

Hanae said it was unfair that Hinata could capture everyone’s hearts just with his “Onee~san♥”, so someone suggested everyone do their own version of “oneesan“ and put them to a vote.

Tasuku was up first... and promptly tripped over his first line, in typical Tasuku fashion wwwww I love him, he’s so clumsy and uncoordinated ;3; They gave him a second chance and this time he said something along the lines of “Thank you for your support this past two years!” and ended on a very cute and energetic “oneesan!!!!” Ughhh PUPPYYYYY

Kaito’s embarrassed tsundere “O.. onee...san...”

Sousei’s calm, somewhat sly “Oneesan :)”

The audience cracked up at Kyoya’s “Oneesan, jiken desu.” (Oneesan, there’s been an accident.) I had to look this up but it’s apparently a famous line from an old TV drama called HOTEL, lol

Kyoya’s take 2. A heartfelt message to all the scriptwriters in the audience, followed by the sweetest “...oneesan”.

Hanae did a skit where Iori was surprised but ecstatic about receiving a present from the MC in the form of a limited edition shoebill merch. “Thank you, oneesan!!”

Zun-san..... was Zun-san. “How about we spend the night together? My one and only oneesan♥”

Finally, the last boss. Hinata started to speak in that saccharine-sweet voice, “Boku,” and already half of the audience were screaming from that first word... “I’ll keep on working hard, so keep your eyes on me, okay? Oneesan♥“ *dying whale sounds from audience*

“Why did we even have this competition, we already knew who the winner would be.”

“You had them at “Boku”...”

Tosshi pointed out that they shouldn’t leave out the handful of guys in the audience, so everyone banded together and yelled “Thank you, oniisan!” and the guys responded with “Yeaaaaaaah!!!” haha

Farewell messages, final thoughts, and thank you’s

Ohsaka admitted that in his first year of playing Kyoya he had regrets about accepting the role, but after some time he found ways to connect with Kyoya and he’s very happy to be part of YumeCast. (I had a feeling that he wasn’t enjoying himself when I watched him on YumeCast livestream... turns out my hunch was correct :0 I’m glad that he’s found his place now!)

Next they showed a video announcing upcoming projects (live action musicals, new CD’s, drama CD’s) and the release of the DVD/BD of Dream Show 2017. Everyone else perched on the staircase to watch the video but Tasuku made himself small and sat on the floor with his knees folded primly. Smol puppy....

Lastly, the crew performed NEVER END STORIES as confetti cannons shot glitter over the arena. Then the dancers joined the cast on stage for the final farewell. Everyone took their turn bowing and saying thanks. Kyoya was last to leave the stage, and he lingered for a few moments to thank the audience. Sousei, who was near Kyoya, came up to him and said “Kyoya, let’s go :)” and Kyoya nodded before retreating from the stage. *Audience dies again*

After the show, I remember feeling so happy and satisfied. Of course, every event I’ve attended has been fun, but none of them made me feel as loved and appreciated as YumeCast Dream Show 2017. They knew what we wanted, and they delivered. I rate it 10/10 for being jam-packed with content (honestly, nobody expected them to perform this many songs), and it was very impressive that every song had its own set of costumes and choreography. It really felt like watching a musical show. The concert felt like it ended too soon because everything moved so quickly, but it had actually run for just over 2 hours. I do wish that they had given the cast more talk time, but i guess that was sacrificed to make space for more songs. I can live with that.

I’ve been playing YumeCast for almost a year now and have considered quitting several times since the gameplay gets pretty repetitive after a while (plus new games coming into my life), but after this concert I have fallen in love all over again and will continue to support YumeCast ;3; Honestly, just from watching the monthly livestreams you can tell how hard they try to keep us happy.

[beccawastaken]

My life summarized Pt. 1...

I started this blog cause there is always so much in my head, it moves at the speed of light, some of it makes complete and utter sense, some of it sounds great til the very second it rolls off my tongue and then sounds nothing like it did in my head, some of it is just random nonsensical stuff that seems to have fallen off a stand up comedians cue cards and straight into the part of my psyche that prefers her own lyrics. It makes it very hard to focus on one task to completion, I even tend to put down my guitar and journal for months on end...so sad!

I must admit that I have worked my ass off to try to make some kind of sense of it all and now when I am unable to rather than let frustration take over I tend to find my random head ramblings amusing. I mean it is often a frustrated, shaking my head at myself kind of amusing but still...baby steps right? 

Sometimes the thoughts can be so intense and so rapid that its overwhelming and it takes every ounce of my strength not to scream til it stops. At its worst its almost like there are so many thoughts moving so quickly that it can sound like a constant high pitch buzz in my head. Super exhausting, and difficult to explain to those around you. People tell me to just go to sleep...ever tried sleeping with a shop vac on or inside a construction site? That would be comparable to this, plus, sleeping also isn't my forte so I’m double fucked so to speak.

The human mind and psyche intrigues me to no end. The way it works, and how the basic brain functions are the same across society yet our perception and the cogs and wheels inside each skull are as unique as our deoxyribonucleic acid. For each and every one of us, the way we tick can be vastly different from one another, from the person beside you on the bus, to that guy you’ve worked with for years to a lover or spouse and often really have no way of knowing. I mean how often do we turn to each other and say “can we talk about how your brain works?” We just take for granted that it does and don’t give it a second thought.(haha you will come to notice my love for puns)

Its the intricate differences between us that keep me interested in this self sabotaging species, I mean really, Earth doesn’t need humans to survive, in fact it may be better off without us! Who knows, what I do know is that while im here on this seemingly massive planet im going to make the most of it. 

I have a wicked sense of humour (ask anyone haha) and I enjoy messing with people (in a jovial way of course). Im talking like practical joke type of messing with people, light, innocent funny shit. I have been referred to as a brain ninja...I took it as a compliment, however, when you are on the receiving end its possible that it isnt nearly as enjoyable. I do my best not to be mean (I said I do my best, I am not perfect) cause you know, I’m no psycho, although some will attest to that statement not being true, I have honed my inner psycho and now only use her when absolutely necessary. Like if some douchelord crosses one of my angels or my grandson. Then my wrath should be feared, simple enough right? (WOW that escalated quickly! O_O)

I just do not want to waste my life, I spent so much of it not knowing how to handle daily life, assuming (naturally cause why wouldn’t I as a single child raised by someone that constantly blamed others and the world for her problems) that everyone’s mind worked the same, everybody deals with the racing and loops of thoughts you cant kick, or falls asleep with a song stuck in they’re head and wakes up and it starts again as if paused. Every morning. (Don’t drop that duh duh duh....grrr) For days! I mean doesn't everybody worry about every move they make, and lay in bed with they’re eyes closed trying to sleep and checking the clock twenty minutes later only to find SURPRISE, its been three hours! Or this relentless saviour complex I have, I can solve almost anyone's problem or at least help them find a path they are more comfy with but for years when it came to mine, I just couldn’t. This is just a few of the things i deal with or have been forced to deal with this life, Im sure i will touch on more. 

I have my children to thank for helping me learn how to deal with my version of life and not giving up on me when I know it would have been easier at times. (Dont drop that duhduhduh....ugh) I want to be honest in this blog, I pride myself on my honesty yet shy away from the darker, not so beautiful sides of who I am as if they don’t exist to the outside world. The thing is, I do not look sick, in fact I look great, besides a few extra pounds. My illness is not a physical one yet it has complete control from the inside out a lot of the time. I work very hard on a daily basis so I do not look like I am falling apart.

I feel emotions at a much higher level than the majority of humanity, I know this now. I don’t feel a lil bit of anything, if im sad, im so sad that even just being in my presence can break your heart. If something good happens and I feel a twinge of joy, I literally have to physically hold myself still sometimes cause it will surge like a lightening bolt through me and often some strange squeak comes out, fingers fully extended as if the energy just exploded form my core and out my extremities. Then, just as fast as it surges it disappears and there I am a woman bordering forty with this maniacal smile on my face like the joker and hair standing up like the professor from Back to The Future. Its quite a sight I am sure, and as much as it has been really hard to work with this side of myself I would rather be inside looking out and have to fix my hair then the onlookers forced to decide between the choice to ask if I am alright or back away slowly. Same with anger, although we have a bit of a deeper connection than other emotions, yea, thats right, we tight. Let me explain...or try;

I like to think my anger trigger point was when grandpa died, but looking back that is ridiculous, I was pissed at both my parents for what they put me through during the divorce but refused to take it out on them, they were in enough pain, they couldn't see it but i sure could.  When I am angry I scare people, I seem to fear nothing (not sure if that’s brave or not) and once I am angry there is no going back, I am completely incorrigible, illogical and refuse to listen. I have scared off men twice my size, not with violence of the physical kind, my verbal violence can be so articulated that I honestly think some people are scared to the core. I have shocked myself at times and thats not easy. Once I realized that I was growing into my version of the hulk I had to do something, I was starting to hate everyone and everything. 

I started replacing the empty yet extremely fucked up (for lack of a better word) threats with just simply making light of what it was that triggered me, albeit in an aggressive manner however it has proven effective in attempting to analyze what set me off and try to stop the rage fuelled rant.

I really wanted to give you an example but as I was trying to find one it proved difficult so im gonna call that progress. Anyway this venting became humorous to those around me, they all knew me so well that they would turn they’re heads and try not to laugh (ever been laughed at when your livid? its not cool, same as if are upset and someone says ‘calm down’ calm down, CALM DOWN?! like fuck off n all if you honestly believe im not trying, you think i wanna feel this way? like this is some kind of sick joke for me? pfft people!) in an attempt to not be caught in the crossfire of my verbal war. 

At first this angered me too (go figure, Hulkbitch) then one day, someone laughed and I took a step back and thought about what I had said and started laughing. Clearly my loved ones weren't laughing at my agony, but the words and descriptions i used to figure it out did tend to be funny. It takes a lot for me to get angry like that now, if I do tho, I still vent with sarcastic wit and make myself laugh to bring myself out of it. 

I think I have myself in line pretty well now, I guess I should give some history here, I was a very happy child on the outside but a ball of nerves within, my mother was extremely mentally ill (which i did not know til after her passing) and my father was a violent alcoholic. Luckily I was sheltered from the worst of what they put each other through as they separated when I was 2, but fought and fought and fought over me for nine years. My mum would insist dad never wanted me he just didn't want her to have me, said that I was never good enough in his eyes cause he wanted a boy. Dad, would point out the homeless lady pushing all her belongings in a shopping cart and say “hey kid, thats where your mum is headed, just you watch”. I know now they were just dealing in their own ways with what was happening between them but it really messed with me. 

My father, my daddy, quit drinking not long after the separation, i to this day believe that he did this not only for himself but for me, to show me that no matter what you can make changes, just gotta face the problem head on and deal with it so you can move past it. He was always a tough, vulgar, strong, stubborn, hilarious and short lil french man with an ego the size of Goliath. He taught me not to take shit from anyone if I believed in the topic at hand and to learn to turn a cold shoulder when needed. Emotions were not discussed, Im not even sure to this day if I can remember him ever saying I love you, but he didn’t have to, I know he did. 

Mum had her own ways of dealing over the years, she was all emotion, raw and uncut. She would always react first, think later, which meant she felt the need to apologize a lot.  For her mistake, for not being good enough, for not doing well enough this was so hard to watch. She would repeat the same self defeating patterns she had been doing her whole life and expecting things to change. Definition if insanity much? shitty part is back then they had no fucking idea what insanity was, nor did they care to look. Had someone just took her side and spoke for her she would still be here, if only she was honest with me about how sick she was, I may never have gotten as sick as I did. She thought she was protecting me...

This woman was the sun to my moon and I loved her more than words can ever express. She never believed me when I said it, she always said right up til the end that nobody ever loved her. I know this was not true cause I figured my dad wouldn't get so mad about stuff if he didn't care, the opposite of love is not hate, its indifference. Mum was always in and out of the hospital and it was super hush hush, I assumed she had cancer. I was petrified to lose her, so I didn’t ask questions, just waited.

The custody battle went on and on, I remember my dad pushing our 1970somthing car up the street for some reason, didn't phase me much. I just said “oh look theres my daddy, he looks mad!”. We went to Expo ‘86 in British Columbia and mum was subpoena’d to come back to the prairies for court immediately, so she had to leave her vacation just to go back and find out it was remanded.  They were both so angry all the time, I thought it was my fault...had I not been there there would be nothing left to fight about right?

Okay so divorce was finalized when I was 11...Grandma and grandpa (mums side) loved the shit out of me too, ive seen pics of gramma in the military which made sense as I grew up as to why she was so tough but she must have been retired by time I was born. They bought an old ‘70s van and converted it into beds in the back, a table and even a port a potty! They lovingly got personalized plates with my name and the number “2″ after it. They took really good care of me, always loved me and wanted what was best.

I remember around 10yrs old I realized my initials were B.S. and I was not impressed at all as not one word that came out my mouth (at that age) was BS. I was insulted and wanted it changed, plus I knew it would make mum happy if I changed my name to hers. The divorce was finalized my initials were changed to B.J....JUST in time for puberty, (woooooooo) yeah, didn't live that one down for a very long time.

My reason for bringing up my grandparents is so that you all know that aside from this somewhat bleak story thus far, I had many people that loved me, including mum and dad, they just preferred to fight about it. 

Shit, fuck, damn, I just had a memory, not a good one but I spoz thats why our brains block things out eh? I do not know how this came about, my mother was very abused growing up and it took a toll on her.  I remember mum and the  grandparents fighting, i remember gramma telling mum to get her head out of her ass and i remember trying to picture that...I was not going to be seeing them for a while til things cooled down.

Mum was sure that my grandpa had molested me, I am not going to say it didn’t happen but as far as I can recall my grandpa was the sweetest most loving man ever. anyway, mum was questioning me, yelling, badgering me and generally acting crazy i spoz, this was before I know what that looked like.  She kept asking inches from my face if he had done anything to me and i maintained that he hadn’t. Finally hours later I was tired and hungry and she was clearly still psychotic she yelled at me are you sure (for the millionth time) I finally yelled out “fine, he did it!” I had no idea what he had done, or when, cause i wasn't there i just wanted her to stop. She was making herself crazy and it broke my heart. I didn't see my grandparents again for three years. Grandpa had gone senile and was not himself, didnt remember close family members etc. When I got there, I ran in the house and we met at the doorway, me at the bottom of the entrance stairs and him at the top. I smiled, and he looked at me puzzled, then started crying, then laughing then crying. I was so glad he got to remember me. I missed him so much.

This was all before I was even a teenager. Grandpa died not long after he was put in a care home cause gramma wasn't able to care for him. His death was my first experience with such a thing, I had no way of knowing how to deal with a loss like this...so I guess I just didn’t.

[ancientcalamity]

『                     193 out of 200 followers...                          Pfft, close enough! Hello, everyone!     Thank you all for following me. I'm grateful and... it's been many     years since I last made a Follow Forever or anything like this;     been years since I've trusted people enough to really bother,      so it was hard for me to do. There's going to be that bias list below,     the different people I know/have come to know/am in the process     of getting to know and that have changed me for the better I guess     you could say? So, to all of you, even if you aren't on the list, 

                                    thank you.

I’d like to put a warning here that it gets pretty personal below the cut, so for a tl;dr of the names, they are as follows: 

@guidcnce

@blessedbisha

@divineveena

@hafuriyuki

@calamitouscyan

and last but not least, @shinxki. 

Not only are they extremely skilled as writers, they’re extremely wonderful people altogether. 

Now...

                      If ya continue to read, it’s yer choice now.                                            It’s long.     』

As a child to early teen, I'd gone through multiple different types of abuse ranging from sexual to mental and while I'm not a coo-coo person going out to murder random people (lol) or anything like that, I do have mental illnesses and I've had physical disorder(s?) that I'm still going through/getting past thanks to my history. 

           Each day, I feel horrible waking, honestly.

Don't feel worth it. I'm obnoxious. I'm pushy. I'm clingy. I'm a creep. Still getting to know myself as a person. Still getting to understand emotions again. Still getting to being normal in some way. Still trying to get to the point of not blaming myself for any and everything bad that happens to me or my loved ones.

Those sorta things and of course the other usual stuff besides depression.

Anxiety.

Mild schizophrenia.

Extremely mild dissociative disorder.

aaaaand lastly paranoia.

I don’t think I’m too ‘out there’ with my mental issues and I think I’m sane enough to handle myself out in the world so yeah. My eating disorder isn’t here any longer but I do forget to eat by accident (woops!) so my anemia decides to go 

and so, I, in return, go

“-dies-”

I came to the Noragami roleplaying fandom on October 22nd, 2016, but I wasn’t really... out there and not known to much of anyone. I didn’t post for long periods of time, too, and I just sorta accepted it cuz ya know? I was new. I met a few blogs here and there but low and behold that didn’t work out but I’m pretty used to having shit go down the drain for me. It wasn’t odd or anything for me and for a bit I’d though about deleting, remaking, and going to another fandom. 

Fast-forward to late November-beginning December and I get a follow back by @guidcnce. “Whoa! Cool! A Kazuma! Holy shit a Noragami blog is following me!” I said, getting overly excited as I ate my Oreos that day-- “Lemme check out their blog!” 

Lil’ ol’ me goes to see the blog, I’m happy, excited-- and my eyes fall on @calamitouscyan, @divineveena, and @hafuriyuki.

“....Shit.”

“Okay, so 1.) There’s another Yato and holy fuck, his blog is great, 2.) There’s a BISHAMON ( @divineveena ) but she talks to @calamitouscyan too (fuck me sideways) and 3.) A YUKINE! ( @hafuriyuki ) YAAAA- fuck he tALKS TO @calamitouscyan too?!?!? HOW FUCKING FAMOUS IS THIS DUDE?? Shit, they must’ve been here for such a long time, shit shit shit shit shit--” 

Insert panicking and anxiety filled Cel here! -pops party streamers- WOOOOOOO! Yer not good enough!! Fuck yeah! You got people that’ve not only been here WAY longer than you but your blog LOOKS LIKE TRASH AND SO DO YOUR ICONS! NICE!

Yooooooooooou suuuuuuuck!

I suck it up, keep my emotions to myself and wing it with @guidcnce; I got new followers, I meet with OCs and canon rpers, I talk and plot with people, things goin’ great! Kazuma’s bitch ass is being one of the nicest people I’ve met and holy fuck if it wasn’t for them being so nice/lenient with me I wouldn’t-- WAIT. THAT’S NOT IT!

DID YOU KNOW MY YATO IS NOT A /NORMAL/ YATO??? NO?

...

why the fuck are you reading this then?

Go read my About and Rules, you fucker I swear to GOD I WILL FUCKING END YOUR LI- 

....

..........

...moving on.

Kazuma had the NERVE to not ONLY reply to my starter with them in canon (well written canon might I add if you don’t follow them you might wanna do so cuz ya know they’re great and stuff and mhm good shit-- A-ANYWAYS-), but also responded to my character AS IF THEY WERE IN THE SAME VERSE AND WORLD AND SPEAKIN’ NORMALLY-- I just...

I WAS EMOTIONAL OKAY???? I STILL AM. 

I STILL AM DAMN YOU. 

...They didn’t just treat me right when we met and talked in private but they did so in rp and... I think because of them I started to open up more. Finally, I got in gear with my blog and icons and every thing in general for Tumblr. I made a brand new follow post and I was excited and--

....why are @divineveena, @calamitouscyan, and @hafuriyuki following me??? ........no. 

no.

no.

NO.

NONONONONONONONONONO-- 

I’M NOT READY FOR THIS WHAT IF THEY THINK I’M SHIT WHAT IF THEY MOCK ME WHAT IF THEY TALK ABOUT ME THEY SEEM LIKE FRIENDS I’M NEW WHAT IF-

aaaaand here goes panicking Cel x2.

These people are following me, reblogging from me, SENDING ME ASKS--

I get invited to a group of other people and... I’m afraid. Skeptical and looking back at it, I still am sometimes but... that’s something for another day. 

@calamitouscyan, @divineveena, and @shinxki are the main others there and it feels like going to a party in the Office and you know how everything is awkward? Yeah that. 

There are a few others that I’m sad to say are no longer there but... I don’t hate anyone. Was raised differently than that. 

A month goes by and I feel better to talk to others, a few events have happened, and it looks like I have a brand new roleplay partner! Not only did @calamitouscyan and @shinxki include me in something I never thought I’d do- having an OC shinki, a LIVING-- ...dead? ... breathing? ... 

fuck it, whatever-- AN OC SHINKI THAT WE LITERALLY FIGHT TOGETHER, but they were supportive during the whole time. @hafuriyuki joined us soon and both of the shinki got along and just...

Everyone was together. An actual family and a group. @calamitouscyan turned out to be another ‘self’ (DICEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE) ((don’t ask, they’ll get it)) in not just rp but /outside/ it too because of our cultural similarities and it moved to the point I showed a game I was playing and they joined. THEY JOINED AND WE DANCE TOGETHER IN GAME!

I’M NOT KIDDING, LOOK!

I have a friend to play with! 

Outside of the game, @divineveena ruins my FUCKING life because we managed to make a relationship for Older!Yato and Bishamon, you wouldn’t be able to tell that they tried to kill each other at one point. 

A BrOTP to such a point-- ugh it’s been years.

YEARS.

Trusting people has not been something I do and after YEARS of agony she managed to be my literal best friend and it makes me want to cry.

FUCK WE CAME UP WITH STUPID AS FUCK ‘CRINGE’ MEME ICONS. SHE HAS ONE OF BISHAMON. HERE’S YATO.

It’s AMAZING.

The amount of memes we make it fuckin’ stupid. I love it.

and now there’s another Bishamon- not giving me two of the same type of person but a Bishamon who’s tragic and heartbroken and has problems @divineveena but another who’s ALSO tragic but also healing and softer. @blessedbisha

She has tried her fucking hardest to bring up spirits and cheer up others and just do what she can for each of us- she’s like a mom. I’m Satan of the fandom so someone has to even out my evil deeds- 

SERIOUSLY, though, when things are down and horrible, they keep moving. 

It’s encouraging. 

Both of them. 

They both try so hard for everyone, even in the worst times. 

Even though I know @divineveena more, I highly doubt @blessedbisha is less caring and both of them fuck up my life as Bishamons because...

ya know.

Bishamon likes beating me up and                       ruining my day SO YEAH.

....then there’s @shinxki.

I believe I met her around two or three months ago, after meeting the other Yato and Bishamon. 

.......

...............

-deep breath-

When I ‘like’ a friend or someone it’s not /that/ type of crush. Not lovey dovey so don’t go cringing away from this post just yet. 

                It’s like...  earlier I said I get clingy; I’ve been abandoned before, multiple times, whether it be for my sexual orientation, my race, my gender issues, my mental issues, my bluntness, or whatever the fuck else people have blown up on me and told me before they left, I’ve been dropped and left. Even recently, when I first started this blog, someone did it within a week because I left to give them space after we had a disagreement. It’s still affecting me, even now. I don’t...

I don’t do well with people hiding things or forgetting me or leaving me behind. I have the phobia about being forgotten or abandoned. It’s full blown and it isn’t pretty. I hate it, but when there’s someone who puts effort into me or something I like and at the same time they talk to me about their issues and don’t hide those things from me and trust me and want to actually bother with me and put up with me and it’s just

-rambling- 

IT’S LIKE

“THIS IS MY FRIEND. THIS IS /THAT/ FRIEND. THIS IS THE MAJOR FRIEND. LOOK AT THEM. LOOK. DO YOU SEE THEM? THIS IS THE BAE OKAY LOOK.”

I guess what I’m saying is she’s close. She means a lot and I’m grateful that she

-puts up with me -likes me as a friend -is my shinki -is my ship-friend -is honest with me -is blunt -goes off on me -snaps at me -gets mad at me -doesn’t put me on a pedestal -doesn’t hide things from me

the list goes on but I guess you get the point.

......When I was either 11 or 12 or somewhere near that age, I made a promise to myself, not a nice one and the date of that promise is coming but/and for the first time in a long while, and I mean years again, I don’t know what to think about it and I’m not sure if things will end up going to that point. 

To be fair, the only thing I really want now is a job and to go to school. I have a great mom and I actually have friends so... that’s all I want and... 

...I think I’d be okay if I had that. 

Maybe a therapist and/or a counselor again, too (lmao)...

but... I have these guys to thank for helping me get as far as I have. My life only seems like it’s a downward spiral but they all make me so happy and I owe a lot to them. I’m brash, harsh, blunt, depressed, anxious, and all around a not very pleasant person to be around and all of them try for me and each other. ...They all put themselves down or they’re unhappy in some way and it hurts, because they mean so much more than that and I don’t know what else to do for them. 

I’m a person behind a computer screen so...  -shrugs- 

A ‘thank you’ isn’t really enough. Not a simple one, anyways. 

You each mean a lot to not only me but others and I want you and other people to know that. I’m not dead yet, so ya have to be doin’ something correct, right? 

...

I’mma stop rambling and leave this here for you all, alright?

                              𝑚𝑎𝑦 𝑜𝑢𝑟 𝑓𝑎𝑡𝑒𝑠 𝑖𝑛𝑡𝑒𝑟𝑡𝑤𝑖𝑛𝑒.

                                                                  - 𝖈𝖊𝖑.

[bargainbooklover]

Hello to all my lovely followers and thank you. I’m sorry I’ve been so inactive the past few months. Real life😕 Has unfortunately gotten in the way but I’ve three weeks left of exams in college and then I’m free for four months.  I have so many great ideas planned and I can’t wait to share them.

Before I do my book haul and wrap up I have some news: I have joined book amino 😆 And guys it is so fun. I’ve been on it 5 days and already I’ve met and talked to some wonderful people, all interested in the same books as me. If you are a booklover like myself I totally suggest joining.

So today’s post is a little late( I should have done this last week), my April 2017 Bookhaul and Wrap up.

My Wrap up.

Last month wasn’t the best reading month for me and in total I managed to read 3 books. (And god knows how much TRC + Pynch Fanfiction. I have an addiction) Honestly I told myself I’d stop reading so I could focus on my upcoming college exams but I haven’t even studied. I think I’m in a bit of a slump😒 My exams are Friday though and I do need to study so I won’t be fixing that until at least May 23rd….. Annnd I’m rambling.

Time to get to my wrap up.

1) Gemina

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This book was fantastic. So good It took me a day to finish. Honestly my ability to read fast really depends on how good the book is and Gemina was excellent. I do have a review and I will post it here so I won’t go into to much detail. This book took me by surprise in more ways than one. It was nerve wrecking, worse than book one( I know I didn’t think it was possible) but so so good. Guys trust the hype because I defiantly recommend this book.

2) The Raven King

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*WARNING SPOIlERs !!!!!! If you haven’t read this series please scroll past really fast. Though not major spoilers. I don’t want to ruin the fun of discovering it yourself. ☺

I have finally finished 😭 I loved this series so much. I feel like personally thanking Maggie Stievater just for giving us these charcaters. Also The Ronan Trilogy to come!!! I literally screamed when I heard the news. Oh and lets not forget the TV show and bonus short story!!! Honestly I was upset when finishing but quickly got over it when I discovered all this wonderful news. I have a slightly unhealthy obsession with these characters. ( So much fan fiction). The Raven King was my favourite and no not just because my ship became canon. It was action and excitement from page one and I adored it. I did find the epilogue at the end not to be as satisfying as I wished. It left so many questions which I now think was planned. – The short story to come and The Ronan Trilogy. So I cannot complain.

3) The Lies we tell ourselves.

The picture is borrowed from my Bookstagram.

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I did manage to review this book because I think it’s a very empowering and an important YA book. I loved it and I honestly think everyone should read it. It deals with some very difficult themes and I like how the author portrayed the main characters true strength throughout the novel. You can find the link to my review here

So that concludes my wrap up for the month of April. If you’ve been following my monthly wrap ups you will see that this one is different to all the my past ones. Mainly because I actually talk about the books I’ve read. I wanted to change my blog up a bit and this is one of my new changes. I will revert to my old way if I’ve read more than 10 books in a month, because then the post would be way to long.

My BookHaul.

Just because I haven’t had the time to read many books. That hasn’t stopped me from getting many, many books. Just how many? Em haha mumbles 38.I told you all I got a job😂 Don’t worry I didn’t actually buy the 38 books I bought( this also includes ebooks) 22. 7 ebooks and 15 paperbacks. The other 16 books I got from a monthly book exchange that is held just outside my mams job every first Thursday of the month. They had some really good books last month. Instead of naming all 38 individually I took pictures of my book exchange books and the books I bought. I’ll name the seven ebooks. 😃

Book exchange books.

 Paperback Buys.

Ebooks.

Gives Light by Rose Christo(YA, LGBT Contemporary)

The Finder by L.E Lorin.(Adult, MM Romance.)

End Street Volume 1 by Amber Kell and RJ Scott.( Adult, MM Fantasy Romance.) 

A&B by J.C Lillis. ( Ya, LGBT Contemporary) 

Angel Fall by Susan EE. (Ya, Fantasy.)

The Noble of Sperath by Siera Maley.( YA, LGBT Fantasy)

Skulduggery Pleasent by Derek Landy.(Middle grade, Fantasy)

And that concludes my April 2017 Bookhaul and Wrap up. Thank you for reading and please feel free to leave a link to yours and I’ll check it out. 💜

April 2017 Hello to all my lovely followers and thank you. I'm sorry I've been so inactive the past few months.