#not trying to like. call myself out or anything LMAO but i really connect w their characters so their stories are very personal 2 me

[elizmanderson]

queerness in The Remarkable Retirement of Edna Fisher

book description

when you’re an old woman armed with nothing but gumption and knitting needles, stopping a sorcerer from wiping out an entire dragon-fighting organization is a tall order. no one understands why 83-year-old Edna Fisher is the Chosen One, destined to save the Knights from a dragon-riding sorcerer bent on their destruction. after all, Edna has never handled a magical weapon, faced down a dragon, or cast a spell. and everyone knows the Council of Wizards always chooses a teenager—like the vengeful girl ready to snatch Edna’s destiny from under her nose.

still, Edna leaps at the chance to leave the nursing home. with a son long dead in the Knights’ service, she’s determined to save dragon-fighters like him & ensure other mothers don’t suffer the same loss she did. but as Edna learns about the abuse in the ranks & the sorcerer’s history, she questions if it’s really the sorcerer that needs stopping—or the Knights she’s trying to save.

find it here

okay let's talk about queerness in this book

did a thread on twitter in which I said "cishet" five hundred thousand times so will probably get banned lmao but anyway I wanted to share it here too

especially since it's late in Pride Month and I have yet to post anything anywhere about it BEING Pride Month and me being queer and my books being queer, bc I've been burnt out af. so what energy I've had has gone toward planning and writing

anyway

I say "queerness in" rather than "queer characters in" because I want to talk about queerness in the book more broadly, not least bc I'm a queer creator & this is a queer book, but I've had a lot of impostor syndrome about both those things.

I figured out I was queer later in life & am a woman-presenting person w/a male-presenting partner. I've questioned my gender & sexuality repeatedly & ID'd differently over time, which is why I like "queer." I don't have to re-explain myself a dozen times. I'm queer. that's that.

but having figured out my queerness later, and having a relationship that presents as cishet, it took a long time for me to overcome feelings of ~not being queer enough~ (and sometimes I still struggle with them).

similarly, my MC is an apparently* cishet woman, unlike the MCs of many books that appear on queer book lists at this time of year. just like I took a long time to start really engaging with my community bc I worried I wasn't ~queer enough,~ for a long time, I didn't call this a queer book bc I worried it wasn't ~queer enough~. if people asked if the book was queer, I'd reply with a laundry list of explicitly queer characters rather than saying yes

fuck that though lmao. this is a queer book. let me count the ways

1. found family

as found family is so important to many queer people - by connecting us to our community, by welcoming us when bio family casts us off - found family is central to REMARKABLE RETIREMENT. while there are queer romantic arcs, the found family is the most important relationship in the book.

2. queer labels

some characters get explicit labels. Benjamin is gay. Clem is ace. queer labels are important bc they give us the ability to describe our identities and experiences! however...

3. undefined queerness

while labels are important, queerness isn't about fitting into new boxes. it's about smashing the boxes apart.

even if characters don't have specific labels applied on-page, they're queer. they don't need to claim a specific label for that to be true.*

*caveat that some media avoids using labels to pander to queer audiences w/implied queerness without ~alienating~ cishets by stating "this character is Not Cishet"**

that's not what I mean

I mean e.g. in OFMD queerness is inherent even if WORDS like queer/ace/etc aren't used. OMitB is another example (specifically Mabel) and Good Omens is yet another.

**caveat to my caveat that some media is queer-coded & avoids queer labels rather than being explicitly queer because network execs or whoever won't allow explicit queerness.

this is not the fault of the creators. sometimes it can be hard to tell the difference.

but anyway.

in REMARKABLE RETIREMENT, several queer characters are queer without using specific labels.

in some cases this is bc it doesn't come up or isn't important to them to express in the moment. like Clem is bi, but she's not worried about being bi. she's worried about being ace, because she's still kind of questioning that about herself, and she's worried it might cause problems down the road if her crush is >:[ about her not wanting to have sex. so she uses the word "ace" to describe herself in this scene but not "bi," even though she's both.

in other cases it's bc they don't have the language. Kiernan's sense of attraction and desire is described in a way that seems graysexual or demisexual (or both), and Red's sense of desire is described in a way that seems ace-spec, but neither of them use those terms, because neither of them know those terms. despite the lack of terminology, many ace readers have identified multiple ace characters based on description or experience. the lack of a specific label doesn't make those characters less queer.

similarly, some characters have not yet had this realization about themselves. which leads us to...

4. questioning

okay, back to my first asterisk of the post.

Edna is by all appearances an old cishet woman.

for most of the story, that's how she seems. that's what SHE thinks, even. she's a cishet old grandma adopting every queer young person she can find.

BUT THEN

Clem explains aceness to her

and Edna has a brief crisis bc wait a minute this sounds like her??

ultimately, Edna has too much to worry about right now to spend time questioning whether, at the age of 83, she might be somewhere on the ace spectrum

so it doesn't come up again

but that moment of crisis is THERE, & that too is queer

5. queernormativity*

I write queernorm worlds, largely bc I viscerally hate coming out lmao

it doesn't mean everyone's a queer scholar

like Clem has to explain "ace" to Edna, bc Edna thinks blankly of a deck of cards & doesn't understand what that has to do with sex

but it DOES mean queer folks get to just be and do

*caveat that this is not remotely to imply that a story is less queer if its world ISN'T queernorm

it's just a way in which MY story is queer

6. all the queer characters

not gonna do a list (even though my original idea for Pride Month when I was young and optimistic and thought I'd have energy to do it way back when was a list of queer characters), but virtually every character in this book is queer in one way or another

on twitter this is where I ended because 6 seemed like a good number for Pride since June is the sixth month, but tumblr gets a bonus

7. the author is queer

happy pride, buy my queer book

[ovaruling]

@gynoids-over-androids putting under a cut bc i have a lot to say as always lmao

well i should start by saying i’ve never been to any gym or class in my life outside of the ones i did in my own home by myself (Pahla B on youtube for low-impact, most of Jillian Michaels’s filmography so far, Chloe Ting on youtube), so i was really nervous taking it outside of my living room so to speak

esp since i do have a few really odd-to-describe disabilities from my surgery aftermath that i always worried would make me feel like i had to explain everything to an instructor if i ever went to a class so as not to disrupt anyone. my life has been very small bc of those disabilities for about 10 years and i don’t have much interaction with large groups of people so i was also a bit nervous abt that bc i’ve been struggling to find a foothold in society since my last surgery.

that said, i have been working out for a few years, so i’m going in with what i would call a very good level of fitness and endurance already, and my plan was always that—to assure myself that i could build functional fitness at home over time by myself before setting foot in a class bc of my unusual bodily situation (? not sure what else to call it). so i can’t personally speak to if someone is going in from 100% sedentary, but as someone who’s pretty fit and never ever had instructors or community experience w exercise, so far i am loving it.

everyone there is so so nice and accommodating and there’s just no pretentiousness that i can sense at all. most of my fears have been allayed—i haven’t had to explain anything abt my disabilities to anyone and after trying out 2 places i really like the facility i chose. people of all ages and body types and fitness levels (there is an elderly man there who i swear to god looks like if the monopoly man was both shredded and yassified. same wax-styled mustache and everything), moms lifting and snatching massive barbells w their kids chilling in the stroller next to them. extremely casual atmosphere, but also so much control and structure and help.

and i’ve never had access to high quality equipment before, but the learning curve has no pressure on it so far. my very first day, the instructor made sure i was comfortable with everything and answered every single question i had and integrated me step by step into the rest of the class’s workout at my starting level to get familiar with using a barbell. it was really helpful and made me feel like i was part of the flow already.

i had to stop several times to make sure i wasn’t hurting myself (i have widespread nerve damage that means sometimes my lower body just. glitches and shuts down the connection to my brain’s intent and spasms for a bit and doesn’t do what i want it to do, and i lose all feeling so i panic bc i cant gauge where my body is—the litany goes on but basically i have many issues that crop up frequently during prolonged motion) but even when that happened it proved zero problem at all and no one noticed and i collected myself and got back into it and it was fine. modifications can be made for every move, which is something i learned with Pahla B workouts years ago, and applies here just as well, and i am stubborn in that optimism.

i was even feeling myself so much i wanted to try a box jump so i asked the instructor what the proper form was. she had me start by jumping on progressively higher stacked barbell plates just laid on the ground. and then i tried the box and i got it! and a bunch of people congratulated me or complimented my successful efforts and stopped after class to chat and introduce themselves which made it feel more team-like to me.

vibe seems to be: just do what you can, ask for help and guidance if you need it (i’m still new so i don’t know all the lingo or all the form cues yet but no one is looking at you making you feel scrutinized, everyone is just there to do their thing and they’re also super helpful if they walk by), and know that you’ll get better at everything you’re attempting w consistent attempt. which is just my basic philosophy anyway.

and ok yeah i’ve never been to a traditional gym before—well, i have a few times, and just never went back cuz i felt it was too polished for the likes of me lol (where i live is veryyyyy pretentious). the high gloss attitude truly just never appealed to me. works for some, just not me. in my area at least, everyone in traditional gyms are in some kind of coordinated outfit and are on their phones and taking videos and stuff (i really don’t like that aspect—i don’t consent to showing up in someone’s gym tiktok lol). so yeah especially these days, the feeling that there’s an image to be achieved in gyms just makes my skin crawl. and if i’m going to shell out for the price of any kind of gym membership, i’d rather it not be a place i get self-conscious in that i’m gonna be filmed or creeped on or something (my terror of men in gyms is well-founded).

so i opted for crossfit bc i’ve had family members who were sedentary and went and loved it and saw amazing gains. and everyone at the place im at is way too busy to be filming or creeping (so far). and i do def already feel like it’s built for functional improvement toward accomplished strength, not merely an image of strength. like, i played outside constantly as a kid and it reminds me of that feeling lol, not least bc of the open-air-warehouse-unit concept. i think im too scrappy to ever be a traditional gym person, but crossfit is totally my vibe so far. no one cares enough to judge what your deal is, which is prob #1 on my ranking of important qualities for a fitness facility.

and while my level of general fitness is what i would call really good, i’m still a total beginner to crossfit kinds of work, work with equipment at all, and i’ve NEVER done group gym classes. so my nervousness about not being amazing at something immediately (huge impediment in my life generally) was a biggie but has proved to be baseless. crossfit seems to has no time or attention for individual compulsive fears or momentary embarrassments. which i absolutely love.

but to answer your original question TL;DR—i think it’s tougher than anything i’ve ever seen! grizzlier by far if nothing else—definitely no frills (it’s refreshing to see no makeup yet!). everyone seems to be of a same kind of no-nonsense grit—dunno how to describe it. what i’m observing the experienced crossfitters doing looks wicked hard, but it’s still very accommodating for all levels of fitness to hone. as in, it looks like some of the hardest shit i’ve ever seen anyone do, but that’s what i will be working toward at my own pace, and it’s exciting.

one of the moms i mentioned earlier was snatching thee heaviest barbell weight in the entire class, even more than the men (i checked), like it was nothing and then she went checked on her baby in between like it was all nbd. i was like god damn girl that is so metal. where else are you gonna see that

so. that’s just my first impressions so far! i signed up for 10 classes to see how it goes so i will report back :)

[vertin-is-the-frog-guys]

would post an update w photos but they somehow know my name?? like my irl name, not eden

so i have gotten rid of the following on my list

- from a game that i play (always go by scrungkelle on there)

- from discord (very select ppl have my discord mostly my mutuals n irl n i go by scrungkelle on there

we (me n friend 1) also have suspects:

- person 1

i made a post about how this person basically physically n mentally abused us n made me want to, n try to, kill myself. they r currently in the psych ward i think, but they did message friend 1 on her bd

- person 2

a ex of mine. we had a short relationship but a long building up to that. we were both kinda shitty in some parts of the relationship, but we've talked about n forgiven each other. we're not friends or anything but we know ppl in the same circles. i don't think they would do anything like this, but their one of the ppl who know my number

- person 3

another ex of mine lmao. i knew this person for like,, 4-6 yrs? idk

we had a couple on/off relationships but we were mostly friends. till they randomly ditched me last yr to go hang out with popular kids. it's whatever, i could tell we weren't that close at that point, and we went out separate ways.

till they randomly messaged me out of the blue, saying they were sorry for being a dick n ditching me. i was like, it's fine, and then we havent talked since

i did message them, and they were like, omg, i'm so sorry that happened no i didn't give anyone ur numbers. so, it's not like i totally believe them, but their kinda off our suspect list

- person four

someone who has both me n friend 1s numbers. i don't really talk to them, mostly cause their still buddy buddy w person 1 & he who shall not be named.. but that's a different story yknow

friend 1 is kinda friends w this person, but they only talk at school when their classes overlap. friend 1 doesn't believe person 4 would do this, but i'm not so sure

anyways, all i could remember from the phone call is that the voice sounded feminine n around our age. i have a person in mind of who it could be, and she's only connected w person 2 & 4

i asked my friend if they have gotten any calls or anything n i have yet to receive a anwser

so far person 2 has confirmed to friend 1 that they don't have the number in their phone, n i asked my other friend if he knew anything and he didn't

so, i think me n friend 1 were the only ones harassed? but idk

chat someone unknown number has been calling me n my friend repeatedly and neither of us know who it is 😭 help

[ghostputtyarchive]

21!!! for the cast

AHH okie this will b a long one so i'm throwin it under the cut <3

Send a character ask?

21. Do they have any personal insecurities?

Alexia: Yes, although you wouldn't really be able to tell from just looking at her. She really struggles with self doubt, if we're gonna get specific she's worried about being too selfish. And because she leans more to the selfless side, she has a hard time figuring out her own life and what she wants from it. (I don't wanna spoil anything so I won't explain further but I will say.. mommy issues.)

Adonis: Oh boy, he does have a lot of feelings of guilt from [REDACTED]–I mean... nothing I should get into here. But I will say he lives a lot of his life trying to live up to something and his fear of the unknown pushes that even further. Basically, he just wants to be "enough" but he's definitely lost sight of what for–leading to a twisted perception of himself.

Theo: No, yes and like his sister, he's not the most obvious about his insecurities. Although he'd never admit it, he's terrified of being rejected and disliked which is frustrating for him when his own personality is literally a defense mechanism. It's this constant internal struggle of not wanting anyone to care about him and also wanting someone to at the same time. So yeah, while he's not afraid to say exactly what he's thinking–good luck trying to get him to open up lmao (both siblings are blessed with mommy issues <3)

Rhys: It's funny because just looking at Rhys he kinda looks like your stereotypical bad boy character who doesn't really give a shit, but that's the farthest thing from the truth. He has this drive to succeed and is absolutely terrified of failing. He puts on a good performance though, I will give him that.

Elias: His biggest insecurity is his own intelligence, a lot of people just peg him as this goofy and crazy guy which kinda hurts because no one ever takes him seriously. Although I think out of all the cast he's the most observant and in tune with his emotions.

Olympia: Being the oldest of the Woods siblings I think she's afraid of setting a bad example for her younger brothers. She does put a lot of pressure on herself to be responsible but also fun. Similar to Finn down below, she just doesn't wanna disappoint anyone.

Evie: She's kinda... jealous of everyone else? They seem to have it all figured out and she's still not entirely sure what she's doing (me too girl.) I also think she takes on a lot of new hobbies/projects to distract herself from that feeling but it inevitably leads to her feeling bad about her lack of skill.

Soren: This guy........... I can't stand this mf honestly, although I do feel for him. Deep, deep, very deep down–I don't think he can stand himself which is why he's so obsessed with himself. He doesn't really understand who he is, all he knows is he's terrified of being boring (and might I add he's the perfect foil to Alexia.)

Finneas: Honestly, he's probably the most secure of our cast. Finn just really cares about the people in his life so I think he'd hate to disappoint them in someway. Plus he struggles with that same selflessness Alexia has. The difference being he's aware of his limits and knows he can't offer help to others if he doesn't take care of himself.

[i-love-you-all]

If you haven’t seen the encrypted emails and don’t want anything spoiled, I’ll spare you and put it under the keep reading. idk i have thoughts and ramblings

Brimstone:

So confirmation on Baltimore Fire department? BFD engine 8 = firetruck/team he worked with.

Special forces (called it!!! clapping myself on my back)

It’s actually kinda funny that he was part of the Ragged Ravens in the army because the football team is called the Baltimore Ravens.

Tariq Porter was his friend in the pics probably :((( and if Kay/O is based on him... it’d be an interesting storyline that I have also bought into.

But Tariq had a partner/daughter named Sumaira :((( Survivors guilt... would be an interesting angle to see Brimstone in...

Brim failing to save his team in the military and the hacker’s critique kinda reminds me of the critique of Washington that I’ve heard as a non American and non war nut that he led his troop into a slaughter and was called unfit for a command by other revolutionaries. It’s definitely an interesting parallel I might invest more time in...

Viper

I made a Byrne/Burn joke earlier so I’ll make a Callas = Callous connection. Callous aka being blunt/insensitive/cruel. When your name foreshadows your character arc lol...

I mean the thing about Viper in the Viper vs Reyna card was that she seemed happy in the card... It didn’t give me villain vibes. I wonderif that’s the incident that changed everything, including Viper...

This is what confuses me about their association about Kingdom. Many of the agents hate Kingdom and the things they’ve done to their cities, loved ones, but they are funded by Kingdom to some extent and are protecting Kingdom’s radianite?

But another kinda win for me was that my hc was right... she’ll never be who she dreamed of being when she won those awards, or earned that job title...

Omen

This person is just outright cruel and taunting towards Omen.

I find it was kinda interesting that the names have different languages/countries of origin.

Another wonder I have is what if he was many people torn apart and rebuilt into one???? but that theory feels borderline silly... who knows?

Must be hard trying to be human just to have these words slap him across the face by calling him monster.

Sage:

Sage is from Shaanxi. I don’t have much to say about it other than the fact that I thought it was my actual home province for a second then I realized it was very not lmao.

Well, actually it would’ve been cool bc the Shanxi dialect is wild to me who grew up w standard/Beijing mando pronunciations? Like I barely understand my grandparents from there.

Oh, and I had great lamb skewers in Xi’an but like... not important

I think we have solid confirmation that every time she gives life in heals/resurrections, it’s taken from somewhere else. It’s what I thought in the Die for You video where I thought she was taking life from the plants before she got trapped.

It makes her a more interesting character outside of just... being the innocent healer mom of the group. She knows what she is doing and will ignore it for as long as she can.

Raze:

Clearly still hates Kingdom and was the one to protect her city which is such a sweet story line for her, going from protecting a city to protecting the world.

This person who is sending out all the info on agents seems to treat her the best.

It’s both a warning and a mild threat but not like the others. I wonder if Raze has the in to changing this person’s mind?

Indisposed though... I find it hard to understand if this person is threatening Raze which goes against my previous point or if they’re saying that while being part of Valorant she is indisposed... I think both could work but I’m leaning towards the latter.

Misc

Shoutout to Sova and Cypher who were doing some heavy lifting and just got slapped aside LOL. It really helps paint the hacker as the omnipotent antagonist.

Kinda curious about what they would think about Breach. There’s a lot of dirt there, sure, but like Raze he was never really for Kingdom and he acts like he has no regrets.

Along the same line... how well hidden are your secrets, Cypher? You were spared for now, but you’re sure to turn their heads the harder you look...

Can’t wait for more lore to drop :)))

Tho, as one final thing... the omnipresent hacker person is kinda similar to my version of an all powerful person in the Rumours of My Death story... Now, I need to hit the drawing board to figure out how to make my guy stand out for the next story LOL (but really i cry :p)

[fairycosmos]

this is very random but i was hoping maybe you could give some insight? i finally accepted that im lesbian but ive been calling myself bi for 5 years now and also realized that i used it to avoid women cause i was scared to admit that i found them attractive. now im admitting it and that i never really wanted anything to do with men but.....i have no idea how to romantically approach women loool like im so lost with it, i have no idea how queer culture or anything of the sort works cause ive avoided it as much as i could until now......how does this shit work, i feel like im reealizing things too late (even tho im only 22 ) and ive missed my chance to live a happy gay life ashfkfjkf even tho i know that sounds stupid. this sounds so dumb but i dont know how to be gay lmao

oh it's suuuuper normal don't even worry about it. it's why a lot of lgbt ppl feel like they have their coming of age moments much later. or they feel like they go through a second puberty of sorts where they rediscover sexuality and romance and love, through a lens they finally feel comfortable with, for the first time. also ur soooo young it's fine it's fine it's fine. you will be fine. i know it's frustrating and it feels kind of like stumbling through the dark TBH i'm kind of in the same boat so maybe everything i have to say on the matter is kind of stunted - but yeah it's honestly so natural. i think familiarizing yourself with queer culture and media is a good first step like movies, certain communities, tv shows, online spaces, books, music and artists etc etc. and also maybe learning a bit about lesbian history in ur country if it interests you! or not that's just an idea some ppl don't care LOL anyway. i recommend finding other lgbt ppl online too, it's really cathartic and fun and it's great to have friends who r on the same wave length as you like that, even just on the internet. THEN i guess the next step would be looking for gay/lgbt scene in ur area, if there is one, and maybe checking out a few gay bars or clubs with ur friends. or just look for any sort of communal activity that is popular w other lesbian and bi women specifically and kind of learn from there as you go through adjusting and observing. there's also sometimes these lgbt support groups to help ppl find each other/cope w hard situations that stem from being lgbt so maybe you could look into those? it sounds cheesy but there literally is no wrong way to be gay at all, it doesn't even have to be a whole thing if you don't want it to be. it's truly just an aspect of ur identity. and nobody knows how to flirt or talk to ppl at first, there's no script you need to follow with women just because theyre women or anything. they're not expecting you to know exactly what to do or say right off the bat, either. it's just about trying to genuinely connect w people when the opportunity presents itself, i reckon, and seeing where it goes from there. you could try lgbt/lesbian dating apps if u want, though they can be kind of intimidating - i always delete them every few months feeling like i have no idea how to talk to women, either. it is hard ngl like it's a weird world to navigate especially when you're new to it and it's normal to feel lost and a little strange about it so don't feel like ur some outlier who didn't get the memo! none of us did! we're all somewhat estranged from each other, even ppl who grew up out and proud. just the fact that you're finally in a place of self acceptance is a really good sign and there is no set trajectory for this sort of thing at all, where you have to measure yourself up against everyone elses time scale and journey and experiences. you're doing better than you think. baby steps into getting to know the lgbt culture and scene wherever you live is more than enough. no rush <3

[jaeminscoffee]

Crash and Burn

Pairing- Liu YangYang x reader

Genre- Angst, fluff, suggestive.

Warning- swear words, could get a little suggestive [ nothing too crazy coz i’m still a baby but it’s something better than nothing.], fwb to lovers. It's pretty cliché lmao kill me

Summary - The place Yangyang happened to crash at after each failed tinder date was yours. Comfort to discomfort to arguments to fights, you've been through all that with him by your side. This deal was meant to be a friendship breaker. It burned the whole friendship label the two of you had. But built an entirely different label.

"Stay, I'll run a bath for you" Yangyang said, getting up, panting a bit as he picks up the boxer that was discarded onto the floor a while ago. You didn't have the energy to refuse or put a say in it so you merely nodded.

He presses a gentle kiss on your forehead and makes his way towards your bathroom.

It had been like this ever since that frat party where the two of you, influenced by the adrenaline rush because of all the drinks you had consumed, couldn't keep your hands off of each other, when he suggested the whole friends with benefit deal.

You were taken aback, but the high sex drive you'd felt ever since your first break up, and the fact that he is an absolute eye candy made you want nothing more than just him to manhandle you.

It went well for the first 5 months or so. He'd date whoever he wanted, you'd hang out with anyone you wanted, and then you'd fuck by the end of the day. That was the whole deal.

No strings attached.

Oh that, you'd failed to keep up with that rule. Again really doesn't help that he's an incredibly handsome lad, was kind and loving, and the incubus in sheets.

It all felt weird because it was so obvious that he did NOT reciprocate the feelings because he'd treat the others of your kind the same as you.

But as days passed, you'd craved more than just his touch. You wanted all his attention to yourself. But that wasn't going to happen and it was obvious.

"Can you walk?" he asked making his way to you with a smug look. "yeah i can" you say, wrapping the sheets around you as you grip the edge of the bed, him standing beside you with his arms crossed over his bare chest, smirk displayed on his face.

It only grew wider as he saw you wobble and wince in pain, sitting back down clutching your abdomen. "Right" he moves closer to where you were seated, picking you up bridal style as though it wasn't a big of a deal and made his way to the bath tub that was filled with warm water.

" 'i can' she said" he mocked your tone from a while ago, placing you down into the tub as you let out a sigh of content. "not my fucking fault you couldn't go easy" you let out after hearing him.

"Whatever you say honey. Anyways, can you manage from here? I've gotta go, have a date in like 2 hours"

You look at him as he smiles, showing the prettiest set of teeth, his eyes sparkling as always. You look down for a second. Giving a mental ted talk to yourself to gather up your thoughts and just tell him about your feelings.

But you were scared. You knew that you'd lose all the relationship you've had so far. Confessing always did that. And you didn't want to lose him.

"Y/n?" he called out, seeing you space out and clearly not listening to him. No. You can't confess. Let that be. You needed him beside you. Be it him as a friend, friends with benefit or whatever.

"Y/n..?" Yangyang said a little louder, nudging your shoulder as you step out of your head space. Turning back to look at him as you smile back "Yeah go ahead" you look down right after. "You sure? Are you okay?" you nod at the questions.

Yangyang looks skeptical for a while, looking at you knowing somethings going on in your mind but still turns back and makes his way back towards your room, out of the bathroom most probably now out of your house too.

After hearing the door click behind him you confirm your thoughts thinking he has left and broke out into a sob. Pathetic.

You had the chance to say it to him right that moment, but you didn't. Understandable that you were scared that you'd lose him. But you still could've shoot your shot.

The constant nagging of your friends on you being a pussy and to muster up your courage to confess to him ring through your head which only resulted in you choking on a harsh sob that left your throat.

You let yourself drown in your own thoughts further. It wasn't until you felt that your skin was turning moist that you got out of the tub.

You take a towel and wrap it around yourself, looking into the mirror, running a finger through your hair before heading out.

"Took you long enough" you hear, jumping as you thought that you were all alone in your apartment. You look up from the ground to see Yangyang, still in your room, sitting towards the edge of the bed, now getting up and making his way towards you.

"Why.. Are you still he-" he didn't let you complete your sentence. "Tell me what's wrong" he held a stern look in his eyes as he stood directly in front of you. He was going to get it out of you tonight

"Huh-?" "Tell me what's wrong Y/n i could hear you clear as day. Don't you dare try hiding anything from me." you back away, a little intimidated by the male in front of you.

"Honestly it was nothing i swear-" you try saying to which you were cut off again, him holding you by your shoulder to keep you from backing away further from him.

"Y/n do you think i'm stupid? You think i didn't notice the way you've been looking at me from the past few days?" you look at him, confused, clutching tightly onto the towel that covered your body.

"What do you mean?" you ask in a hushed tone. "I read your conversation with Sarah." he says, leaning down so that you were almost exactly of the same height.

You keep quiet, still not catching onto what he was trying to get at. "When were you going to tell me huh?"

Then it struck you. Shit.

"Wh-what do you mean?" you try acting oblivious, which didn't work as he shook you way harder than intended, you let out a yelp.

"you fucking love me and you didn't tell it to me?" you look down, not daring to look at him knowing he's about to break off everything you had, then and there.

"Look at me when I'm talking to you Y/n" his voice dropped multiple octaves, sending a shudder down your spine as you slowly look up to see him.

"Why didn't you tell me?" he spoke in a much softer tone after seeing the redness in your eyes, which was the aftermath of your little breakdown inside the washroom.

"I.. Didn't want to" you spoke slowly at first. Taking in a deep breathe, you decide to let everything out, it's all going to end here anyways so why not?

"I didn't want to because i know you felt nothing like that. I didn't want to fucking lose you because of my stupid feeling. I know you had made it obvious that there would be no emotions involved, I'm sorry but I'm human. Maybe if you would've acted like a bitch to me I'd have not fallen for you. But nooo you had to be so kind. Do you know the number of times my heart broke part by part seeing you with other girls? When you'd come home, talk to me about your shitty dates and then just take me? It's hard not to fall for you Yangyang and I'm sorry about that-" you stop to breathe, feeling the tears well up for the second time that night.

"-And i understand that you feel nothing for me but please, please don't leave me for this i cannot afford to lose you. I'll get rid of my feelings for you, I'll try to but p-please don't-"

The rest of your words were swallowed up by Yangyang's mouth as he pressed a hard kiss against your lips, shutting you completely, backing you up until your back hit the wall behind you. The kiss was far from innocent as he shoved his tongue into your mouth after you parted your lips when he bit the bottom. You let out a whimper.

Things got heated between the pair of you when he decided to pull away. Foreheads connected, he looks at you dead in the eye.

"Stop speaking about my feelings for me as a third person, Y/n." your gaze fixated on the floor, finding the wood more interesting than ever. You felt fingers grip your chin as your head was tilted up to look straight back at Yangyang.

"You think i feel nothing for you. Think i feel not even an ounce of love for you and you're right. I don't feel for you just a little. Because you cloud my fucking thoughts every single hour of the day. Of course I like you, fuck no i love you but i was confused because, one moment you'd be all up against me and the other you don't even bother looking at me. So i decided it would be the best to start distracting myself, maybe go on few trashy dates, fuck someone else that wasn't you. But you just had to be in my thoughts every. single. second. So no. Now knowing that you love me, of course i won't let you forget your feelings for me, not on my watch that is."

You look up to him, looking straight at him as his gaze stayed fixed on your face, watching your eyes grow wide every passing second.

"Say it" he spoke with that low tone once again. "w-what?" you stammer.

"Say that you love me." your eyes widen more than it already had, you say nothing. The room eerily silent as you look all over his face to see if he spoke the truth or it was a mere confession out of desperation of wanting a girlfriend.

"Are you going to say it or should i fuck it out of you?" he spoke, a little above a whisper as he took a hold of your hands, pinning it down beside your head, leaning into the crook of your neck, placing a light kiss on your skin, then moving up to your ear lobe, pausing there, waiting for you to speak. "i.." you started. "hm?" he asked placing a kiss on your temple.

At no response from your end he dipped back down into your neck, biting it a little too hard, making you squirm. "Say it princess, don't keep me waiting" he said still continuing his demonstration. He bit down once again and this time you let out a loud gasp. Squealing you say "I-i love you"

He felt his lips grow into a smirk against your skin, letting go of your hands placing them around his neck as his hands moved to grip your hips. "What was that? I couldn't hear you." His hands snaked behind you going dangerously low, placing it on your ass giving it a light squeeze. You whine as you squeal out louder "I love you!"

He stopped biting the skin of your neck, leaning back, admiring the newly formed bruises that replaced the older ones.

He let go of you and pulled you forward, right into his chest, holding you in place with a tight embrace. "I love you too" he spoke in a voice way softer compared to his actions not even a second ago. "I'm sorry i made you feel unloved." he rocked you back and forth. "I'm so sorry" he repeated, placing a kiss on top of your head.

"I'll show you how much i love you" he said, not giving you a chance to speak as he lifted you up making his way towards the bed where things were intimate a while ago.

"Yang not again! We just fucked like an hour ago" you said giggling as he placed soft kisses all over your face.

"There were no strings attached in that baby" he said as he lowered you onto the bed, standing up, removing his shirt for the second time that night.

"Oh this time i'll show you just how much i love you"

-

That's it!! Was that good?? I'm sorry if it's trashy! This is infact, the first ever time I've written a one-shot! Do tell me if you liked reading it luvs! 💗

(requests are open and so am i open to making new friends! Go ahead, tell me how your day was and stuff!)

[amazingphilza]

DSMP!OC HEADCANNONS

i dunno if ppl on here make dsmp!ocs for themselves outside art but here’s my long list of headcannons?? idk what to call this, but assume all names have c! before it ofc :]

,, this is kinda messy & probably has a lot of plot holes but i just needed a space to write out all my thoughts LOL

also cw / ment of manipulation & ib: dsmp wiki <3

character origin :

previous life was the l’mantree :D

allegedly planted by schlatt, we will never know who’s my canonical parent(s)

reborn as a dryad after niki burns the l’mantree

i think being a dryad would fit especially since they’re typically nymphs of oak trees :]

appearance :

my character’s mc skin has long light brown hair & is seen wearing a flower crown with petals that are around the color of a pale violet and navy blue

clothing would consist of black shoes & a long light grey sweater that falls down to the legs and covers most of the hands which adorned with 2 black stripes on the upper arms

lore / history :

since my past life was the l’mantree, i would’ve known the ins and outs of the history when l’manburg was still standing, up until niki burned the tree

after witnessing everything, i’d hold a grudge on niki (+ allies?) and loyal to wilbur since he’s the whole person that made a meaning of the land of l’manburg

however i’d still be on edge w any side because i could sympathize with everyone to some extent after seeing some sort of distress from everyone at some point

i think seeing both sides of the spectrum when l’manburg/manburg still stood could change my perspective of some other characters

but at the same time, not everything was completely centered in l’manburg so i wouldn’t know the whole story of everyone’s character

i’m currently writing this just after tommy has left the prison & mostly everyone is treating him differently, so i’d try to befriend him by not showing that i dont care about his past & trauma but also not being fully faithful about our friendship ahaha,,,

he seems like the type that needs someone to see through his past history but tommy would definitely disapprove of my character visiting dream at the prison (i would do it anyway :))

vowing my current life to wilbur, i would help dream escape to revive wilbur & follow along with their plans of chaos

i don’t fully support dream but he is the only way to wilbur, making me comply with dream’s decisions

“growing up” in my past life and witnessing endless conflict, it is the only thing i know and understand; chaos

but i think during the process of helping dream & wilbur i’d keep my connection with them secret, being the person to obtain all the inside information they need

i could see myself as a type of equilibrium like ranboo but in a bad way, i don’t know how to explain it

but i would try befriending ranboo since he seems like he is involved in many things and would know a lot, despite his short term memory

unfortunately i’m not sure how much his character actually knows since i haven’t been able to watch his pov that much but i’m sure there’s a lot in his memory book...

to blend in as a normal person within the rest of the characters, i’d surround myself with connor a lot

not only because he needs more lore, connor is one of the “normal” citizens of the smp so i believe being with him doesn’t bring as much attention to myself, unlike people that’s related to the egg and their noticeable features after associating themselves with the egg

he is currently only on bad terms with techno which is rly good when comparing that to other characters and their relationships with other people

connor could probably sense my real intentions eventually & tell everyone else that i’m not who i say i am but if that’s my flaw & my downfall is caused by connor, so be it! sorry dream & wilbur

i feel like for being a young dryad, i’d still fool around with dream/wilbur & help give tommy an small “advantage” to defeating the two ?

like yes i’m supposed to be on your side but where’s the fun if tommy can’t do anything to begin with?

i honestly don’t know if wilbur was revived he’d actually be his vassal but let’s assume that happens, but either way i’m with wilbur on his decisions

but ya dream seems like the type to punish me for helping tommy and send me to the afterlife to learn & become smarter like wilbur had done or smth

in the end, i just want to give tommy bits and pieces that tease him from ending all the wars and problems he has been faced with

like here’s some info about dream and wilbur but it won’t be no where close to enough

but who knows, ghostbur said ‘villains are just heroes that aren’t convinced yet’ & maybe tommy could eventually grow on me & change my ways,,

maybe me fooling around & teasing tommy with answers he’s been searching for is a way to mask that i want to be a good person

ok but imagine after knowing so much about dream/wilbur, the revive book, & the afterlife & then i switch sides,,,

surely if tommy can’t put and end to them, dream would make sure i’m gone for good instead

but also if me & connor are in good terms & he’s canonically a necromancer & can bring ppl back to life,,,,

personality :

to all besides dream & wilbur, i’d try to act passive and friendly on the outside to get on everyone’s good side

however under the mask i am more mischievous & strive to cause more problems for everyone on the server from the inside out

in a way, i’ve taken up some of dream’s manipulative personality but still very understanding

i’d like to think of my character as a good listener,, trying to do less talking than others so i do not open up about my true self and intentions

i’ve seen rumors about schlatt & mexican dream also being revived along with wilbur & i feel like i’d have some soft spot for schlatt & pick up a few things from his own character, not sure what though

schlatt planted l’mantree theory, dad!schlatt au part 2 !! /j

because of my character’s closed off and quiet personality, i feel like i’d be pretty analytical

i would know how to slip between the cracks with some characters & notice the smallest things to make them question themselves

maybe my character is good at holding their composure, and not that susceptible to being “emotional” in a way so it’s easier to face people

like i understand when a situation is sad, etc but i can’t show emotion towards how i feel about it (i don’t know if that makes sense but ya!)

i wanna try to elaborate more,, like imagine my character before tommy visits the prison, i would be unfazed from when i found out he died to the point he’s released and we find out he’s been revived

everything is a constant blur hehe

i just can’t fully process everything i guess? i dunno if that’s helpful but yeah!

in the end though, my moral compass has been very tainted; despite wanting to show my loyalty, it can be slightly easy to sway me, making me internally feel guilty to other people

but me trying to get on everyone’s good side to impress wilbur/dream to seem useful to them would ruin me before i would even realize that i’m another “pawn”

we know damn well dream is faking it till he “makes it” but yk,,

but i’d be stuck in this kind of dilemma of not knowing what thoughts are my own or just something trickled down from wilbur or dream

there’s like maybe something that clicks in my head like “maybe i wanna think for myself for once” or smth

like who am i really?

powers , bonuses , etc :

since dryads can technically manipulate plants in some ways, theoretically i could control the blood vines to some extent ???

i’m pretty sure dryads can communicate with plants so i could understand what the blood vines are saying as well

maybe i could get a good sense of what the egg is all about and stuff

assuming that i understood anything that was happening with the egg in the first place but anyway—

i guess similar to ranboo like how he can’t really be around water without some type of amour or something, it would make sense for me to primarily reside in a type a forest or be near one ?? who knows

seems a bit morbid in a way because of the whole history but if i can somehow easily get rid of the blood vines without it affecting me (if there is still some there) i think it would be kinda pretty to build a tree base in the middle of the l’manburg crator (iskall tease)

like it can show a sign of some rebirth, not the same government repeated once again but a new era in general

you know how you see like destruction years after it the disaster or smth happened and it gets all overgrown with plants and stuff? ya that’s what i’m going for in my head (mumbo jumbo s7 tease)

i know it’s covered in glass already but i dunno, some broken glass and a giant tree emerging from the whole thing and all the rubble seems cool

i’m not a good builder but i have the vision LMAO

omg puffy is like a sheep human hybrid im pretty sure & like there’s a specific type of dryad that are a protector of sheep & other animals?? i’m not exactly sure but that seems like an interesting element to incorporate somehow

also glatt randomly planting a oak sapling in quackity’s lore stream yes pls feed my nonexistent dsmp character lore /j

i honestly dunno how to incorporate the fact dryads can turn shapeshift into trees when trying to escape something but i read something that if a dryad stays in a tree form for too long they’ll forget who they are and stay stuck as a tree?? which like woah that’s cool & some material but at the same time what—

since everyone’s backstory is kinda a mess, mr beast parent tease bc he planted a bunch of trees /hj

i have realized wilbur saying like “the whole reason i built this nation is gone” & blowing up everything or whatever is kinda a plot hole in like ‘why would i follow wilbur if/when he’s revived when he said this?’ but i’d like to think he was the one that made some meaning of the area lmanburg was on, which includes the lmantree

like he was the one that started everything and created that sentiment of that land, and however he views it now is how i would see it now

he gave meaning to my past life and now in my current life, i feel this obligation to repay him for it

not really lore bc i think it was cc!tommy talking to cc!ranboo about his height & age when he first joined but yk it would funny to make my dsmp character than his just to slightly spite him anyway

canonically 6’4 dryad yes . /hj

also i have no idea anything about hannah and her lore but we do be flower buddies :D

also omg like this isn’t at all important but the way ranboo can pick up grass blocks will just have me at awe, i dunno seems in theme with the forest/plant stuff

and i remember reading like there was something about dryads and apples but i can’t remember but i’d give tommy a bunch of apples /hj

apples am i right chat,,,,,

i’ll just have infinite apples in my inventory, like kill me in game, not like losing lives kinda deal but just in general and boom stacks of apples

“bee i get you’re half tree but do you just poop apples out like they’re nothing??” “girls don’t poop” /j

ok but like no matter how many streams i watch i cant grasp where everything is but omg but no if i was new to the server & stuff, canonically & not, i would feel my character to be the curious kind to explore everywhere

like besides a mini tour from some other person in the server, since my character only knows things in the bounds of lmanburg, i’d go off exploring different places like pogtopia, the sewers, showchester, etc

i feel like my character would be really into history, like they would have questions about what happened to lmanburg after the last war? what was life like before wilbur? what was the whole history about the antarctic empire? i dunno but reading a bunch of books from a library seems really interesting

oh but in theory, me and tubbo are loosely related if you wanna count schlatt as my “dad” because he supposedly planted the lmantree ???

i mean could make sense but it seems like a stretch

also if my character ever got close to schlatt, i’m not sure if this is canon, but i swear one time he mentioned how the whole dsmp sever is just a game/server in a game & he’s the only one that knows that ??? but like imagine if i found that out canonically,,,,,

big existential crisis pls

and i’m not 100% sure how dryad shifting works with like going from female to tree form and stuff but if i’m able to morph into different girls on the server & act as them,,,, the about of problems that can cause in the lore omg

lemme frame niki real quick and get inside information /j

oh ya and like hey bee do you support the government then? yes but no. whatever my “fav” person is canonically (assuming this is based in the beginning of this whole hc) whatever wilbur thinks, i think. head empty. but subject to change as the dsmp storyline progresses and stuff :]

ngl i wanna throw in some like random lore that doesn’t make sense to throw people off but i can’t think of anything

not actually really lore related but my choice of stream music like how ranboo has his undertale stuff that makes everyone cry, i will have in love with a ghost

yup i like in love with a ghost sm & i’m pretty sure their music is like not dmca too which yay but yk theoretically never gonna stream on the dsmp but still a fun aspect to think of bc i love listening to music & it’s very impactful to a story & associating something to it makes it more meaningful :D

like i could imagine the chill pop lofi piano stuff fits witha few lore streams of like exploring the whole smp before my character would really go out with being this lost villain in a way?

tubbo’s gangnam style who?

like i feel like i made my character bad/evil so they could have potential to get better in the future

on one hand, i’ll end up w dream and/or wilbur for the rest of my life, which is okay but i could also switch to be with tommy or even disregard all of them and be with techno/phil or quackity & potentially schlatt even who knows

also i cant wait for more connor lore tho, like as much as i tried to make my character give him more content i wanna see how everything goes with him having connections to schlatt & stuff

anyway i would’ve made concept art for my character but i honestly don’t rly like my art currently but who knows LMAO

and lastly if u read all of this ily /p

i might update this later when there’s more lore but ya

[kaetastic]

Where Have You Been? 2

pairing: Harry Potter x Slytherin!Potter!Aunt!Reader (no incest- just aunt and nephew battlin’ through evil :)), (possible future evolution to pairing with Sirius Black)

summary: After years blinded from the tainted power and lies, Y/N Potter finally sees the truth. The truth that urged her to clamber out of the hole created by the Dark Lord. Will young year-2 Harry accept the absence of an aunty he didn’t even know he had? 

word count: 4.8k

warning: fluff, heavy angst, guilt, mentions of death

note: lately, i haven’t found myself writing as much, i don’t think it’s w****r’s b***k, it’s just me being distracted by so many other things lmao. thank you for waiting this long for the second part, i’m pretty sure there’ll be a third :)) there’s no harry in this but i wanted to keep the pairing consistent

Harry was just a thirteen-year-old boy. He was a young wizard, trapped in the walls of muggles who wished they had nothing to do with his kind. There was no other safe place for the boy. If Y/N had not fallen into the rabbit hole that branded the mark on her arm, maybe she had the chance to keep her nephew with her. Y/N could do nothing about it. Despite her ideas of getting him out of that suffocating house, to finally enjoy the presence of someone she shared her blood with, to show him what magic truly was, she knew it would only place great danger onto him. Her life which had slanted down like that anticipated, fingers-digging-into-the-railing part of a roller coaster had gone from a flowery childhood to having no other alive family member if Harry was to be excluded. 

If the time she had been on the run was to be calculated, it would’ve roughly been thirteen years. Thirteen years of shifting houses to houses. Although, one year, she had feared for the loyal followers to be sent to capture her, the rest twelve, she had to constantly check over her shoulders for a sign of Aurors who were on a mission to chuck every last death eater into Azkaban. Y/N hoped the day where she would not have to leave a bed to enter a new one would come. The witch didn’t mind if it was sooner than said, it would be nice to open windows to the scorching sun with a cup of warm tea in her hands. It would be nice to walk on open streets without a heavy, ominous clock over her head. It would be nice to walk on the streets, not pathways that had been littered with spit. 

Although, the sweet victory taste she had dreamed for had turned bitter, acidic to her tongue as if those scenarios she wondered on for hours had been nothing but bait, a tease. The Privet Drive might’ve not been the best place for Harry, but it was the safest for the boy. Well, safer than going on the run with his aunt who had to keep glancing over her shoulders in case a shadow scurried after her. 

Even though the wizard had suggested he could follow her since she had magical blood, just like him, the witch had no choice but to turn him down. Even the frown on his face had embedded itself in her memories. The disappointment at the rejection of a better life with the sister of his father had plagued Harry’s time at school. Not before Y/N told him to not mention their meeting to a single soul. It might’ve been hard for the young boy, but he somehow managed… well, apart from his two other friends he had found a strong connection with. Harry had mentioned the name Hermione and Ron during the heart-aching conversation of the early morning in his bedroom. Unfortunately, it had been cut short when the witch had realized the time. 

Y/N was sick of scrambling around, running away and cowering from everything. Because she had not only feared the suppressed group that had gone either into hiding or had lied to not face the terrible consequences but also the Aurors. Aurors who had tied a price tag around her head. She couldn’t even defend herself. By that, the witch meant that the way her head had wrapped around the wrong she had done placed her perspective in an angle some people would not believe. In simpler words, Y/N believed- no, she knew that they wouldn’t spare a speck of mercy onto her soul. Even though she had thought of surrendering herself with hands high in the air, the Potter had not been dumb. Not to forget, she had pride. Pride to not give the golden trophy right into the hands of the Aurors. 

Then, she made a move. It had been a risky path she fell into, but she moved her Queen piece across the chessboard. The only piece she had defending her sole King. Y/N sent a letter to the headmaster of Hogwarts. Despite her worry about his response since he was in fact, the creator of the Order of the Phoenix, there was no need to overthink of the great wizard’s reply. Dumbledore waited for the day, not losing a bar of hope for the return of the witch. The day she would clamber out of the dark hole she had stumbled into. Taking a chunk of his busy and occupied time, the wizard had made time for her. It was not long before they met up at the place he had chided to her when she was just a twelve-year-old, the place he told her where one should go before they die. Although, the place didn’t live up to the wizard’s words as it had been nighttime, the perfect and safe time for her to be out of her lodging, and it had recently just rained.

“There isn’t anything I say that will defend for what I have done. What I’ve done… it’s unforgivable.” Her gaze trailed down to brush over the clumpy doughs of the drenched soil. The stretched-out shapes had been filled in with the recent shower from the tears of the clouds. Although, the teardrops had been pure, innocent without a speck of tainted colour, now- it was just clouded. Y/N wished that was how she remembered her horribly chosen youth. Unfortunately, it had all been crystal clear. Despite her trying multiple choices of blurring out the wrong she had done, every single moment plays in her head every night. It sat in her mind, permanently. 

With her lack of interaction with other wizards to minimize her appearance to the wizard community, obliviating herself wasn’t really an option. There had been some… pathetic muggle suggestions such as hurling her head against a wall. It didn’t take her long before she discarded the idea that would only cause more harm than good. Even though she wished she would not be reminded of such memories, she then remembered one of the few hopes that kept her hanging on that cliff. 

No one was placed at such a position like Y/N’s. Well, other than someone she had grown to associate with the passing of years while she was a death eater. Is it still ‘was’? Was the thing she needed to yank out of her chest in the past? The ‘tattoo’ still remained. As time passed, it had faded from the prominent ink. Even though Y/N felt joy unfurl in her chest at the thought of it becoming non-existent, ready to see her bare arm once again without the hideous memory from her past, it lingered. The mark stayed to torture her every second. The branding on her arm had been the last string that labelled her as a death eater. She had not found anything to remove it. Y/N had gone through books after books, crumbling pages to flying lines, unreadable handwritings to hidden, enchanted chapters. None had given her an ounce of hope she needed.

“There have been many people who’ve done nothing but wrong their whole lives, yet, they always had something to say. What makes you an exception?” The man quirked up, his silvery eyebrows jumped at her figure with his infamous words that had been packed full of knowledge and riddle. It had always been like that, ever since she was just a child, the man who still rocked his extensive beard had become a prominent feature. Although, the two lost contact as she dived into the side she was warned about during dinner. Dinners that lasted short, a smudged out memory. Y/N pressed her lips in thought, fingers twiddling without a slight intrusion in her head. A habit she had grown up with. And like as always, he cut her off with another sentence for her to process. “If I remember correctly, you mentioned in the letter that you have not done more than maiming someone.”

“In the name of the Dark Lord.” 

“Yes, but it was for your survival,” Dumbledore interjected. Oh, he always had his way with his speeches and his sentences. 

A sigh brushed her lips, creaking into the heavy air of the light wind toying with the hairs of trees as if they were puppets. Pushing her legs to rest her back against the bench that had been damp from the previous shower, Y/N murmured without peeling her eyes away from her fingers, “He killed Regulus. Regulus never came back, you know? After a trip, he was gone… forever. That’s what made me doubt my choices. His death was the sole reason I had left.”

“Regulus Black. Sirius’s younger brother.”

Y/N hummed while her arms slithered to wrap around her body, the chilling kiss of the air had been merciless to the defence of her clothing, “Regulus Arcturus Black. Whenever I was lazy to call his name even though it’s just seven letters, I called him ‘R.A.B’,” She let out a chuckle since it had been her joke for the boy to embrace the three letters as his signature, before the corners of her lips curled down in realization. “Although, now, I seem to find the longer being comforting.” 

“There’s no need to worry, what matters most is your safety. You must try to stray away from any sight of those who may seem interested. I will write a letter once Harry starts his third year.” Y/N nodded even though she was slightly reluctant to the life she would have to shift her own foot in. Deep down, she knew, no matter what other’s would say to comfort and calm down her nerves, she would always have something to fidget about. Something that came in the package when one falls into the Death Eater’s path.

It had barely been a month since she had met with the well-known headmaster, and Y/N hadn’t exactly found peace in continuing her life of being a criminal. The ability to sit still in a seat for longer than fifteen minutes was non-existent. Thoughts ran, scrambling from one side of her head to the other without rest. Every second, she would always have something to think of. A smart decision she made during her Hogwarts years was focusing during classes despite her side chores, so, it only became helpful when she needed a vial of ‘Draught of Peace’ or ‘Calming Draught’ to calm down her relentless thoughts. 

Harry recently started his third year at Hogwarts as the letter sent by the one and only, Dumbledore. The wizard had reminded her as he had promised; although, she remembered the day the students would be going back to school. Y/N could only stare into the abyss while she dreamed of walking onto the ground of the school once more. Oh, to feel the chilling stone walls during winter. She could only dream. 

It was for the safety of her nephew, and for her to stay in hiding that she didn’t write to the boy; even though she desperately wanted to. So, Y/N spent hours on the crooked wooden desk which had been slanted down, the folded piece of newspaper had begun to damp in the humid air, melting into the floor. The witch wasted hours of her day that flew by once she completed the letter to her heart’s desire. Days that stretched out when she didn’t occupy herself. 

She could barely count the number of lines she had scribbled down onto countless yellow sheets of paper. After a day of jotting down hefty block of paragraphs that was enough to build castles, she would stuff the pile of letters away, under her bed, or she would try her best to cram the sheets into the minuscule gaps between tattered books and the shelves. Most addressed to her nephew, now, just unsent thoughts that had been occupying her head, and desires of her heart which she had no one to pour out to. 

There was nothing Y/N could do. She was edging to the last sentence of her book, the last chapter of her story. If she was to stay, all she would have is Harry. Even so, she didn’t have him. The young wizard was hurled into the palms of her sister-in-law, muggles who hated whatever wizards were capable of. 

Maybe the only reason she reached out to Dumbledore was because she had information, intel that would be impeccably useful to the Order. Things the members wouldn’t even be able to smear against, things they can’t even imagine. Comparing herself to some members of the organization who had achieved great things in the available tasks by the Ministry, Y/N had seen far more than some of them has. She has seen gruesome sights, sights she wished she had glanced away from. However, she knew, she knew he was watching. 

That was her lifestyle now. The witch would have to suck it up, swallow the truth and deal with the reality she was stuck in. Stranded in a sole, pathetic room of a sad excuse of a building. Y/N had barely left the place she would have to call home. There had been multiple times the owner had tried to usher the lady out for a quick talk, Y/N did not want to risk anything. The only walls that had been present in the rented room were for the loo, that- she was grateful for. 

Then, news broke out into the wizarding community, it cracked over their heads like a spoiled egg, the yolk oozing out in a battered pace before it splattered into a squelch. News that sent everyone into a frenzy, news that made heads poked into corners of streets before they proceeded to walk the route they had been used to for years. News of the notorious Sirius Black breaking out of Azkaban. It was impossible. No one had fled away from the prison. He was the first. 

However, unlike most, Y/N knew things some didn’t know. It was not belief, rather, she knew the truth. Sirius Black did not do the things wizards and witches had whispered into each other’s ears. He was not capable of said-things. Y/N had met the man from his tight friendship with her older brother. Friendship that people had poked at him for being weak since he had shown his back to James. Those people knew nothing. They didn’t know how close they were for James to bring the boy to live at their house. They didn’t know that her parents had seen Sirius as their son. No one knew the truth, yet, they still let their words slip up into stubborn rumours. 

During her years of being a death eater, side-by-side with Regulus, her head held high without a quiver in her bone, Y/N had heard and seen things. Maybe some of them she should’ve not even eavesdropped on. It would’ve cost her life… she still did so. Y/N was meant to be in Slytherin, it was destiny that she had denied ever since the hat had spoken, and she saw her brother’s expression falter at the declaration. Despite her opposition to the situation, she wore the new shoes perfectly. The first few years, she was as close to her brother as she was before, any time she saw him in the corridor, she would wave, or they would pick up a desultory conversation. With that, he had introduced his friends. Y/N could see the tight rope around them, bonds she can’t see broken. Or so she thought. 

Then, it inched to her fourth year when she truly distanced herself. No, nothing would be blamed onto Regulus, no idea of his would be looked upon for the dead could not even defend himself. Y/N fell onto the path her parents had prominently warned her about. Their occasional talks about people who were surrounded with an aura that would send shivers down their spines sparked into muffled ears. Those lectures and lessons were all forgotten as Y/N found comfort standing beside the person she could not tear herself from. 

Walburga would accept the girl with warm embrace. Although, that came with its consequences. Y/N had to sit at the dining table, next to Regulus while the woman rambled poison-filled words about her parents who were not ashamed to be in the presence of muggles. The blinded girl did as her blurred head told her to do so, she tolerated the blows to her gut. It was only rare times when Regulus would speak up to stop his mother from hurling more onto the meal made by the elf. Despite Walburga’s hatred for Y/N’s parents, the woman had mentioned countless times that she had filled in the shameful place of her other son. Y/N was sure the empty space in her house had been plucked in with Sirius Black. 

Regulus would just be flushed with crimson red whenever his mother had brought up the two. She always took the chance to talk about how good they looked next to each other. There were few, forgotten times when she had dropped the word marriage. However, there was nothing but friendship between the two that would constantly burgeon, blossoming every second of every day. Walburga would swat it away, not believing them. 

It was true, despite the pureblood mother believing the two had something going on. It was nothing but friendship. Sure, there had been gentle kisses against cheeks, but it was nothing more. 

Everything then fell apart. She didn’t know who was amusing themselves by having a poke at the blocks of her life, but she knew it had wavered her platform. It was Regulus, then, it was her mother and father. The night when the elf had stumbled into the Grimmauld place, an ominous locket in his grasp, Y/N’s head went into a frenzy. She had never seen the creature look so distraught. The only reason she had remained at the house was because she had nowhere else to go. It wasn’t until days she would piece everything together. Regulus had gone, so the house-elf had confessed. The truth was not to be told to his family. How did anyone expect her to stay at the house she had made unforgettable memories? Y/N left, not even a farewell or a note for the family. 

The two had whispered conversations of the truth of becoming a death eater, they would do so under their breaths, afraid of who might listen. Whatever Regulus did, she did too. 

Kreacher said he had been ordered by Regulus to go back home with the locket, leaving the wizard to die. Y/N had screamed at the creature for his pathetic words, thankfully, Walburga nor Orion was at home. The two Slytherins had discussed of the Dark Lord’s attempt to murder the house-elf before they dived into countless pages, all so they could land to assume that the locket had been a Horcrux. The two eighteen-year-olds had just found out the deepest secret of the Dark Lord. And one of them died with the truth, while the other ran for her life.

If it wasn’t enough, Y/N could not even attend the funeral of her parents. The people she had not spoken to for years. She had listened to the words on the street that it was to Dragon Pox. It was then Y/N had to sit through excruciating months before she had the chance to visit their graves. The last she had seen their faces was a photo she had absent-mindedly packed before she had run away from home. If seeing her parents in flesh was in consideration, it was the sobbing mother who could not calm her hiccups in tears with every caress of her husband’s warmth. The photo might’ve been the best mistake she had ever made. 

In the midst of 1980, thoughts that would only surface when the sun no longer exists had steered the witch away from the path she thought she would be on until she bled to death. Just before she allowed the thought of living her life on the run consumed her, she had planned and listed out everything that would come as consequences if she was to proceed. That was when she tumbled over something. Still a death eater, she had stumbled upon the voice of a man who had been deeply trusted by her brother conversing with none other than the leader of the dark. His squeaky voice poured out every information he had about James and Lily. However, that was not the thing she had eavesdropped on. It was the fact that the man was Peter Pettigrew, the boy who would trail with the group. All so he could fall under the protection of the Dark Lord. What a grave mistake he had made. 

Y/N didn’t know what it was in her, but she then cut off any ties with the death eaters. That sounded easier than it truly was. There would be nights when she would feel her arm burn, flames piercing into her skin. He was angry, furious- she knew. All she could do was clutch onto the frigid sheets of the bed around her inflamed arm. She lived and survived, something she didn’t know how she came out successful, and lived her life on the run, always on edge. She stayed at multiple places, hoping the dark lord and his goons had not found her. To her luck, the pain dimmed down, she had only felt the faintest of a sting at the mark. 

Then, it was the unseen, unfortunate death of James and Lily. Y/N didn’t waste a second when she had heard a man regurgitate the words at the bar to sprint towards the house. The motionless figure of the man she once had picked on for accidentally wearing her jumper of an adorable bunny. So, she cradled his chilling body while streams of tears gush out of her eyes. There was no one left for her. That was, until she reluctantly pulled away from the corpse to follow the boisterous cries. Up the mess of a corridor and into a nursery with planks of wood decorating the floor She was met by a gruesome sight of her sister-in-law, flat on the ground, and the relentless toddler who the dark lord feared, her nephew.

Even though Y/N wished to spend more time, she had no choice but to peel herself away. She apparated away once she jumped through the window. Not long after, it was the rest of the Order’s turn to take in the event. 

Y/N knew there had been some death eaters who remained loyal to the dark lord despite his fall. Some had been locked up in Azkaban, while the rest still sauntered over streets casually. She knew some of them would be chasing after her, she knew the Ministry was searching for her, so why did she fall for the words scribbled by Dumbledore to meet up with Remus? 

“Sirius didn’t kill James and Lily.” Remus nodded, his eyes finding the sight of the pond to be more captivating. 

“I know.”

“Sirius didn’t murder those muggles.” Remus nodded once again.

“I know.”

“You know, yet, you had not defended the man when everyone’s ears had been stuffed with lies.” The wizard could only press his lips, lost in thought.

“Y/N, listen, we haven’t exactly been on the same path, but I feel like we are now,” The witch’s eyebrows furrowed. Remus swung from the same bench she had sat with Dumbledore. “I wanted to meet you when Dumbledore had told me he had met you. Although, I didn’t have a good excuse to do so. Now, I do.” 

His ominous words had only made her fingers crawl towards her wand. Neck snapping towards the rustling of leaves, she shot up from the seat, the wooden stick pointing towards the source of noise. With a spell murmured by Remus, her wand was out of her hand. She didn’t want to falter her gaze from the shadow that poured out of the bushes, but she couldn’t help her expression morphing into that of betrayal. Remus didn’t bother to send a face to comfort her. 

Y/N felt every muscle in her body freeze, every fibre was pulled taut before they remained stationary. The black dog paced towards her at a casual pace, almost approaching her carefully. Its eyes, it looked familiar. She had seen it somewhere. And no wonder… she had. Before her eyes, the dog transformed into a man who was dressed in tattered and shabby clothing of dull colours. The face of the man who had been plastered all across newspapers and streets, “Sirius?”

Maybe she should’ve panicked first, to why he had even put himself at risk, her even, but she reverted to another path. She saw Regulus in him. The infamous Black’s dark hair which Regulus would gingerly trim and take care of had flourished on Sirius’s head. 

“You’ve got to be joking me,” Y/N gushed out, the corners of her lips curled up in amusement even though she felt anything but amusement. “Are you out of your mind? You truly have gone insane in Azkaban.”

The witch turned to face Remus, “You too. Is this the plan of yours? What? To bag me up for the Ministry?”

Remus sighed out, his fingers splayed out against her wand, “Sirius wanted to meet you, the reason, he had not told me. This meeting is not a trick, no one knows Sirius is here.”

“Will you be holding my wand throughout this?” The man could only give her a slight nod of his head. Y/N let out a frustrated huff. “Fine, get on with it, I can’t wait to leave the country after this.” 

“Do you know of Peter’s boundaries?” Sirius’s voice sounded hoarse, raspy as if he desperately needed water. Maybe that’s what happens when one has just escaped a prison which was believed to prevent escapes.

Y/N’s face transformed into that of an offended expression, “Peter Pettigrew?” Once the man confirmed with a nod of his head, Y/N scoffed at the accusation. “What makes you think I know where he is?” 

“Well, you two bear the mark,” The words fell off his tongue without a care for her. “You two sold yourselves to Voldemort, it would only make sense if you knew where the traitor is.”

“Sorry to break it to you, but I have no idea of where he is.” 

Seconds morphed into minutes, minutes of Sirius’s eyes beaming onto her, “Have you bothered to search for him? Did you even know he was the one who sold out James and Lily to Voldemort?”

“I know a lot of things, Black,” Y/N sneered. “To satisfy your endless questions, I’ve done everything I could to find him when I happened to stumble upon his voice at the Malfoy’s home.”

“You knew that Peter was meeting with Voldemort and you didn’t bother to spend a cent on the thought that it would be James and Lily’s fall? Were you too busy snogging my brother?”

The mention of Regulus sparked up something in her chest, something that spun through hurricanes, Y/N’s expression hardened at the sight of the man, “Do not speak ill of Regulus.”

“Still defending my brother? You two never parted away from each other, every corner I turn at school, you two were always side-by-side.” Sirius could feel the corners of his lips curl up. 

“Sirius,” Remus interjected to stop the man, he knew this would not go well if the convict had not held himself back. 

“How hard it must’ve been for you to see him gone.”

Y/N could feel her fingers furl with every word he uttered, “He was your brother.”

“Was. I was exiled from my family, remember? You would remember clearly, I remember the day you left home to stay at that horrid place.”

“Sirius, that’s enough.”

“No! Remus! She must know the pain she inflicted onto her parents when she stepped away from that house, the sadness James drowned himself in when he couldn’t find any way to invite you to his wedding.”

“Would you stop mentioning my brother?”

“Oh, so now you consider him with sentiment? What happened to avoiding us?” 

“Are you done? I had only prayed the meeting with Remus to be civilized, yet, here you are.” She sneered. 

“Why do you fear of talking about James? Are you turning away like a coward? Now?”

“I don’t want to talk about James because I’m not in the mood for it, Sirius.”

“When are you in the mood then? Is it because you are saddened by the fact that you couldn’t take Harry when you visited their house?” Y/N accidentally allowed her eyes to widen at his words “You didn’t think we wouldn’t know?”

“I was in no position to take Harry.”

“You were in every position to take Harry!” Sirius yelled out, his veins popping up to bulge into the air. “You are his blood! His aunt! His godmother!”

“His what?”

taglist: @teheharrypotter​

[perenial]

at risk of asking a dumb question.. how did you know you were nb/you wanted to go by they/them? i ask as someone trying to figure it out

this isn’t a dumb question - the opposite, really, since this is the entire point of my thesis (that everyone is sick of hearing about). there really isn’t a lot of research in social sciences about non-binary identity, and what does exist is either going through peer review right now and isn’t accessible, or takes a v strong biomedical approach that totally ignores the social dimension of identity work. but that’s not exactly what ur asking so i’ll save that for my phd proposal lmao

the main Thing for me was always feeling discomfort with my birth name. from a v v young age i’d hear it and be like......is that supposed to be me? am i supposed to connect that collection of syllables to [gestures vaguely at all of this]? it just didn’t click with me. my birth name isn’t overtly feminine or anything but it’s definitely a ‘female’ name, so i guess i kind of hitched all my gender-y baggage to that horse and went okay well that’s clearly not right

i discovered the term non-binary on tumblr in about 2012? 2013? i was definitely questioning my gender by 2013, because i’d just had my first girlfriend and i felt incredibly uncomfortable when she called us lesbians. let me be super clear about this: it wasn’t internalised lesobophobia that caused the discomfort, it was the fundamental incompatibility of a gendered label having anything to do with me. 

(sidenote: there’s actually a really interesting argument by monique wittig discussed by judith butler in gender trouble that explores the idea that man/woman are inherently heterosexualised roles and therefore being a non-hetero woman/lesbian....isn’t exactly the same as being a capital-w Woman? it’s a complex theory that some lesbians/wlw have taken as an empowering concept while others feel like wittig leans into t/e/r/f or political lesbian territory. ANYWAY baby gene didn’t know this discourse existed and thought lesbian = woman so that’s what i’m getting at)

after breaking up with my girlfriend i v briefly toyed with the idea that i might be a trans guy, and while that felt slightly more correct than being a cis woman, it still didn’t sit right with me? so i cycled through a few different things, most significantly genderfluid, until one day when i was about 14/15 where i just went u know what? fuck it. i’m non-binary. u can try and define whatever the fuck is going on here but good fucking luck. 

that was around the same time i started using they/them pronouns, first online and then slowly more irl as i went to uni/talked to new people. i tried he/him and ze/zir for a while but like id-ing as a trans guy/genderfluid, it just didn’t feel right. it was a lot of trial and error, plenty of late nights staring at the ceiling practicing introducing myself, so much reading about trans identity - and somehow i ended up here, literally being non-binary as a career.

my main advice to u is to have fun with it. gender can feel really serious at times, especially when there’s so much emphasis on physical transition, but i promise it’s okay - good, even - to just fuck around while u find something that works, and for all its faults tumblr is actually a great place to do just that. u want to use neopronouns for a week? go for it! u want to change ur name every second month? sure! u don’t want people to see or perceive ur gender? bitch me too the fuck

and it’s alright if nothing fits right away, or ever! like, show me a permanent state of self. there isn’t one. we’re all just meaty sacks on a slowly dying planet; who gives a shit if the person u were calling greg last week is emily now. humans change - it’s what we do best. resisting that urge to change is how we get tony abbott eating a whole raw onion on national tv. 

i want to leave u with this quote from gender trouble, which is a fantastic book if u can muddle through all the unnecessarily complicated academic language:

If the body is not a “being,” but a variable boundary, a surface whose permeability is politically regulated, a signifying practice within a cultural field of gender hierarchy and compulsory heterosexuality, then what language is left for understanding this corporeal enactment, gender, that constitutes its “interior” signification on its surface? Sartre would perhaps have called this act “a style of being,” Foucault, “a stylistics of existence.” And in my earlier reading of Beauvoir, I suggest that gendered bodies are so many “styles of the flesh.” These styles all never fully self-styled, for styles have a history, and those histories condition and limit the possibilities. Consider gender, for instance, as a corporeal style, an “act,” as it were, which is both intentional and performative, where “performative” suggests a dramatic and contingent construction of meaning.

(and because i’ve been referencing things all day and can’t break the habit now - emphasis mine, Butler 1999 (2nd ed.), pg. 177)

happy gendering!

[beecherdrysdale]

Hiiii my bbs, I have literally been dreaming about going to Greece sooo I hope this is good

Adding onto brigids thoughts:

Okk so half of us pass out in the Uber that we take to the airport, so everybody is just holding onto each other barely awake or literally just fall asleep on you while waiting in line to get to security. Hehe ofc Ryan gets lost, and he’s like panic calling us and I just start laughing at him through phone. But then he finds us and I get beeped at security as usual and he’s chirping me and he gets beeped too and I chirp him, so it gets a bit chaotic at security.

Look at you brigid being organized and not over packing anything. I do the same thing to I just always add extra everything hehe. Hehe yes ‘Quinner how do you have more shit then me’ quinner likes pack extra as well hehe . We have a mini competition to see who brought more clothes lol.

Okkk everybody, Brigid has chosen, she is officially Jamie’s girl :)). Anywayssss you and Jamie are just sleeping and cuddling each other. You are in Jamie’s hoodie 🥺. Kesh and Kirby are also cuddling each other. Aww yes I’m in Quinners beanie !!. So far me and Ryan aren’t chirping you lol cuz it’s reallyyyyy early.

I wear a hoodie and sweats as well or for my bday my brother bought me a really cute sweatsuit so I might wear that lol. But I would love to wear Quinners 😌hehe we get on the plane and it’s you + Dylan and cozzy and Jamie sees and gets jealous ‘no Jamie I just got comfortable’ ‘please cozzy she’s my GIRLFRIEND’ and cozzy gets mildly terrified and says ‘only for $50’ so that happens and Jamie is super happy that he gets to sit with you. Hehe me and Ryan chirp you guys. Ok so I’m behind you, Jamie and Dylan. Then quinton, Braden and Peyton are behind my row. Kesh and Kirby are just sitting away from everybody because they aren’t ready to deal w us yet lol.

You+ Jamie +dyl. Okk so you are watching an action movie. Dylan falls asleep real quick, and you see that he’s in an uncomfy position so you just help him get more comfortable. So now that Dylan’s passed out Jamie cuddles up to you and you start playing with his hair and he loves it and it’s making him fall asleep but he’s still trying to stay awake because he wants to be w you. But you reassure him and help him get comfortable. You wrap him in a blanket hehe. Brigid you have a hard situation here because you have two hockey players asleep on you. After a bit they wake up to eat and make you rewatch the movie and your like why do I have to I didn’t pass out. Oo uno is fun, same with poker. But Jamie gets bored and just starts to braid your hair while you play with Dylan. Also when Jamie wakes up he whisper ‘thank you baby’ and you give him a kiss. Oo also while he’s sleeping you trace his freckles 🥺.

Kesh and Kirby are just chilling and being adorable. They both just make sure that they are comfy. Top tier couple.

Lexi+quinner(+Ryan)- hehe yes Quinner is immune to coffee even after drinking his two cups and half of mine. We made Ryan carry the drinks cuz we are clumsyyyyy. Awww yes, I’m vv in my Quinner feels tonight so Quinner falls asleep on me and I cuddle him and play with his hair because I am not giving back that beanie. I’ll make sure he’s comfy and all. Haha yes me and Ryan are just super loud and competitive w the game we are playing, probably uno, poker or connect 4 lol. And you turn to us and say ‘guys can you shut up, Jamie and everyone is sleeping’ and we are like ‘ok and?’ And you chirp us and we chirp you back until we realize that we really don’t want to wake everybody up lol. Ya I get up a lot on the plane so Ryan and I and you would just be walking along the aisles hehe. Ryan gets tired eventually and passes out and Quinner wakes up and we have some cute moments🥺. We just cuddle and I lay my head on his shoulder and he kisses my mild freckles.

Let’s say we are in first class cuz we got good salaries lol and we really need the leg room since we tall. Airplane food isn’t to bad. But the snacks would be elite. I’ll make sure to get our snacks brigid cuz we have similar tastes in snacks :)). Hehe yes I keep stealing snacks from them, and then get hungry and ask me to give you some but I get annoyed lol. So the y start throwing the snacks and accidentally hit Jamie and Dylan in the head but thankfully they didn’t notice.

Okkkk so now the captain announced that we are landing in like 10 mins and everybody is just super excited to get off the plane. Oo Jamie keeps showing you things through the window 🥺.

Ok so we landed, I get up quick and so do some off the other boys so that the team can get off the plane first. It’s kinda chaotic with everybody trying to get their luggage and some people get smacked in the face. Question does your hair start to curl when the air is humid. Cuz that always happens to me and it’s what I love about traveling to warm places because my hair looks good lol.

Okkk so pass border control etc and all get out of the airport. Also you and Jamie are holding hands the entire time ;)). Would you rather rent a car or take a taxi to the hotel?. Anyways we leave the airport and everybody is just so happy that we are in Greece right now!! It’s sunny and beautiful.

Skip to getting to the hotel: I think our hotel is pretty nice, and we get there at like 2 . would you share your room with Jamie or get a solo? Anywayssss we get to the hotel and all say that we are going to meet up to go to the beach for a bit? Because we just wanna wake up and cool off in the water and possibly tan.

Brigid you walk out in your bikini and Jamie is in awe like how is she that gorgeous. And some boy makes a comment and he glares at him. And he literally carries you into the water. Kesh and Kirby just want to be constantly around each other so they are cuddles to together under an umbrella sipping on drinks or possibly swimming together. Quinner and I are racing each other into the water, and then we both tackle each other at the same time. And then we see who can jump over the wave. And maybe we just hold onto each other and have moments😏 same w you and Jamie .

Side note: I’ve had some bad/funny experiences w waves because some big ones just pulled me under and I would just land on the shore lol. It would take me such a long time to regain my breathing lol.

Some of the boys are chilling and tanning because they want to get some good tans. Some boys have already met some girls and some are in the water with us.

Later we all go shower and get changed to go out for dinner w the team. I never blow dry my hair esp on vacays because it dries really quickly and I get curls wbu? You me and kesh get dressed into really cute summery outfits, I see myself in a flowy skirt and a tshirt or a sleeveless top- I am owning the freckles on my arms hehe. Brigid I can see you in shorts or maybe even in a denim skirt? And in a top that shows your pretty bralette. Kesh I see you in a sundress? Like a red or yellow sundress that looks amazing !!

They boys are speechless because we are owning our outfits. Anywayssss we all go to a restaurant by the beach and just have such a nice time. And maybe after some Brigid +Jamie and Kirby +kesh time on the beach at night 😏

Okkk I hope this was ok. Pt 4 will be more of our trip !!

omgggg i love all of this! lexi you’re amazing, thank you for providing the quality team canada content it is amazing. anywayssss long post

haha all of us just falling asleep on each other in the car and then when we’re in line for security. like jamie just rests his head on my shoulder while we’re standing there and somehow falls asleep lol. and then ryan gets lost bc ofc he does and we’re laughing at him but then we’re like oh shit we need to help him find us so we don’t miss our flight. so then we help him back to security where he and lexi both get beeped and chirp each other about it lmao

hehe yes i finally chose jamie🥰. dyl and i are more like chaotic best friends who are maybe a little flirty but ultimately are just friends lol. so anywaysss jamie is the softest bf so he lets me wear his hoodie and we cuddle up and sleep together in the airport🥺 and kesh and kirby are also cuddling and lexi is wearing quinner’s beanie that she stole lol. and thankfully ryan’s still tired and lexi’s busy with quinner so they won’t start chirping me and jamie yet. and also we’re all wearing the boys’ sweartshirts that they gave to us

hehe yes then we’re on the plane and jamie sees me with dyl and cozzy and he just begss cozzy to switch with him. and cozzy’s already gotten comfortable so he’s like “no jamie just sit in your own seat". but jamie’s like “pleaseeeeee it’s my girlfriend”. so then cozzy seeing the perfect money-making technique (and also mildly terrified lmao) it like “fine i guess i’ll switch but only if you pay me $50″. and jamie’s just like “done” and hands the money over. so then jamie and i are both really happy and ofc you and ryan are awake enough to chirp us now lol. and the two of you are sitting behind us with quinner and then quinton, braden, and peyton are behind you guys. and kesh and kirby aren’t ready to deal with us bc it’s too damn early so they purposely chose the seats far away from us lol. and the other boys are just scattered throughout the plane

me+jamie+dyl - so we’re watching our movie and dyl falls asleep realllll quick bc he didn’t sleep at all in the airport. so then i help him get comfy bc besty things and i feel bad for him bc i think sleeping in airplanes is uncomfy lol. and then jamie cuddles up to me and i start playing with his hair🥺 so then he starts falling asleep again so ofc i help him get comfy and give him a blanket so he can sleep. and then while he’s sleeping i get to play with his hair and trace his freckles🥰 so then when he wakes up he just kind of mumbles “thank you baby” and i’m like “of course” and kiss him. and then they make me rewatch the movie with them and i’m just like “whyyyyyy” but then i make them play uno and poker with me so it’s all good. but then jamie gets bored and starts playing with my hair and braiding it🥺 and it actually turns out decent this time

kesh+kirby - perfect, amazing, adorable together. trying to keep us under control, but eventually just give in and ignore the chaos and pretend they don’t know us lmao

lexi+quinner(+ryan) - hehe yes lexi and quinner made ryan carry the coffee bc they’re too clumsy and then quinner drank a shit ton of it, but he still manages to fall asleep on the plane. and then lexi makes sure he’s comfy and starts playing with his hair, all while wearing his beanie ofc. but then you’re being super loud and competitive with ryan playing a ton of games and stuff. so then i’m like “guys stfu, jamie and the other guys are sleeping” and you guys are like “so what?” before realizing you really don’t want to wake everyone up. so then you guys shut up and start wandering the plane lol. but then eventually ryan gets tired and falls asleep and quinner wakes up and you guys are being all cutsie. and you’re cuddling and kissing each other’s freckles and then me and jamie chirp you guys bc payback lol

hehe yes first class bc rich boyssss. so we actually have pretty good food but the snacks are still better. and then eventually the guys just start throwing snacks to me bc it’s faster than handing them to you to hand them to me lol

and then we’re about to land so jamie’s pointing out things out the window to me and getting super excited, so ofc i’m excited too. and then we land and all get up fast af bc we’re not waiting for other people to get off the plane lol. also i pray to God that no one in our group claps when the plane lands bc that shit pisses me off lol. so anyways it’s just chaotic getting our stuff and getting off the plane lol. my baby hairs would be getting curly from the humidity, but the rest would just turn wavy. so anyways then me go through border control and me and jamie are holding hands and so are kesh and kirby but lexi and quinner can’t bc they both have sm shit to carry lol. and then we rent a car to take to the hotel and everyone’s just in a super good mood bc we finally made it

hehe then we finally get to our hotel which is nice bc again rich boyssss. and then me and jamie would share a room bc i’m broke lol and also bc i love him and want to be as close to him as i can😍 so then we put our stuff in our rooms and get ready to go to the beach. and then obviously all our boys are so impressed by us in our swimsuits, and each of them (jamie, quinner, and kirby) is just like “damn she’s gorgeous, how’d i get so lucky” and then some guy tries to like catcall me and jamie just death glares him lmao

hehe jamie just carrying me to the water “jamie i can walk myself yk” “ik i just love you, i want to carry you” “ok thank you bb” and then kesh and kirby ALWAYS together. swimming together, cuddling together on the beach, going to get food together etc. and then lexi and quinner racing and tackling each other into the waves and stuff lol. and i make jamie join bc i’m a competitive bitch lol and i obvi can’t just leave him alone. hehe getting pulled under by waves isn’t a problem for me bc i have good breath control lol. and then you and quinner and me and jamie could have moments😏 esp bc we’re in the water which makes everyone look extra hot. meanwhile the other guys are like all playing volleyball together or picking up girls lmao

then we all go shower to get ready for dinner. personally i never blow dry my hair and my showers are really fast so i would be ready fast lol. ooh lexi and kesh looking cute, lexi with her sleeveless shirt and flowy skirt and kesh with her sundress. i’m wearing shorts bc i basically refuse to wear anything else lol. hehe but i have a cute shirt that shows off a cute bralette so it makes up for my lack of skirt lol. and then the boys are just speechless bc of our outfits and they’re making sure to keep us close the whole night. oooh and then beach time at night😏

okkkk i love all of this and i’m so excited for part 4!!

[mammonslastbraincell]

ℂ𝕙𝕒𝕣𝕒𝕔𝕥𝕖𝕣👏🏼𝔸𝕟𝕒𝕪𝕝𝕚𝕤𝕚𝕤👏🏼

Next up is!

Belphegor

I didn’t know who I wanted to talk about! I was gonna go in order, but after thinking about it I really really want to talk about Belphie. This whole fandom is either stanning Belphie or hating him for basically murdering MC (some are also really indifferent lmao)

Now I’m pretty indifferent to Belphie myself. I don’t hate him or love him, but I do enjoy his personality and how he’s portrayed as far as we see him. What I want to do is go through Belphie’s character and just talk about him as a whole and if he’s a misunderstood emo reject or some badly written character! 

 This is most likely going to be l o n g so I took the liberty of putting everything under the cut!  ( ´ ∀ `)ノ～ ♡

｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆  ｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ ｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆　｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆

Introduction to Belphegor, The Avatar of Sloth

Alright so like the rebel MC is she goes up the stairs (cause fuk u boomer Luci-) and finds no one other than Belphegor. Of course the player/MC isn’t aware this is Belphie (unless you’ve followed the devs/had more than one brain-cell) 

Anyway so we run into mr. cow man and the first thing he says is 

I knew you were the one person who’d be able to find me.

I find this strange along with Belphie calling MC’s name like he knows or is aware. Anyway we’re not getting all conspiracy theory! (yet  👀) 

Assuming you asked the strange man who you just found in the attic who he was. He claims that he forgot himself a long time ago. He claims he’s also a human who’s been imprisoned by a demon and is stuck there. Belphegor goes on to tell you Lucifer locked him in there and MC has to help him out. Belphegor proceeds to let you know that the door is sealed with magic and the only way of escaping is for MC to get the consent of the other 6 brothers. Which is his fun way of saying MC has to make a pact with all of them and that they have to gain the brother’s trust. 

And just like MC had made a deal that would change their life forever. 

So taking in the event of when you meet Belphie apart we can grab a few things about his character right off the bat

Manipulative 

Cunning

Knows more than he leads on 

A n y w a y! That next night MC goes to the kitchen and Mammon has them eat Beel’s custard. Or at least a little bit. Beel comes in just in time tho and Mammon’s evil scheme is ruined and Beel basically almost attacks them but really just destroys the wall that connects the kitchen and MC’s room!

Of course Lucifer catches wind of this, gives them a three hour lecture and a jealous Mammon later MC is in Beel’s room for the time being until their room is fixed. 

so a thing of note here is that when Lucifer assigned MC to sleep in Beel’s room all he said was Beel’s room instead of including Belphie almost blatantly pretending he doesn’t exist, but this is most likely MC doesn’t know him so it’s pointless to say Belphie’s name. I just thought I’d point it out to maybe show how bad Luci and Belphie’s relationship is here! So we get to Beel’s room and we see two beds. There are two options that pop up 

- Go to the bed on the left -  - Go to the bed on the right -

If you go to the bed on right immediately Beelzebub stops you and tells you to sleep in his bed while he’ll take the couch. Of course we only get one option and it’s 

- why -

Because there are two beds Beelzebub you don’t have to sleep on the couch what??

But Beel informs us that the other bed belongs to his twin brother, Belphegor. Beelzebub is also kind enough to inform us where he is! If you’ve been paying attention there’s seven brothers but you only met six. So where’s the other one? Anyway back to Beel he tells us Belphegor is in the human world as an exchange student. 

- You’ve got a twin brother? - 

- He’s in the human world? - 

As we know usuallypickingtheoptionsdon’tmattersoifIdon’ttalkaboutbothoptionsjustassumeitdidn’tmatter! So with picking he went to the human world Beelzebub explains that Belphie went to the human world along with a demon named Diaval(ApparentlythisisareftoanotherSWDgame🙄🙄 I just can’t believe they bought it, it sounds suspiciously close to Diavolo.) Beel then goes on to explain to us that Belphie had a falling out with Lucifer so he was “chosen” to go to the exchange program. 

Sidenote: If you pick “You’ve got a twin brother?” All Beel will tell you is yeah but they don’t look alike at all

As Beel talks a bit more MC remembers their interaction with Belphie they’re immediately sus. 

In the flashback you can see MC’s thought process as they think back to their interaction with belphie it was very suspicious that Belphie knew about the pacts with Mammon and Levi and being a human it’s also suspicious he would’ve just picked Beelzebub’s name and say he’s the best choice. Unless they were already close with one another. So to confirm their suspicions MC asks if they can see Belphegor. of course beelzebub agrees to it and takes MC to the portrait hall to show her what he looks like. 

So with that MC goes back up to the attic. 

We’re greeted with Belphie again asking us how’d it go. Obviously this was such a short time ago so maybe Belphie has already realized he’s been caught. So he asks us if we gained Beelzebub’s trust yet and without answering his question we have one of our own. 

Are you Belphegor? 

Belphegor responds saying we’re no fun. Admitting his defeat and that we figured him out. Belphegor goes on to introduce himself to us officially. 

- You’re a liar! -

- Why did you lie to me? - 

- I knew it... -

So we have three options this time. They all lead to Belphie calling us stupid..Trust me I checked  🙄 🙄

Belphie with all of these options never just calls the MC stupid you can almost tell there is some malice with humans in general as he calls all humans stupid and foolish. But with the “Why did you lie to me?” option Belphegor explains that it wasn’t lying it was just teasing seeing how he figured MC would catch on soon enough it wasn’t anything bad. With the “You’re a liar!” option Belphegor is confused but realizes MC meant when he told them he’s a human. He tells MC to call him a liar if they so wish but to remember something important. 

Belphegor knows he can’t do anything about MC here so he just tells them to not be so stupid to trust demons so easily. I think Belphie doesn’t hate MC or maybe he does it’s never clear with the first interaction as it comes off very mockingly towards MC like he’s just having fun playing them as a fool. So he doesn’t give off the vibe that he wants to kill MC. He’s trapped so all he can do is get under their skin and make them scared. So it’s hard to tell if Belphegor is telling MC to be wary because he knows how demons can be and a human can get themselves killed easily or if he’s just trying to make them afraid. Either way he sees it as amusing I mean what else can he do trapped in an attic? I believe Belphie is doing both in a way where he wants to play MC and see how it goes. They already have two pacts albeit it’s Mammon and Levi, but that’s still a feat especially in that short amount of time so Belphie maybe curious and wants to see how this all plays out. 

Anyway, Belphie assumes Beel told MC about him and that is proof enough that Beelzebub trusts us(Of course he most likely hopefully doesn’t know that we’re sharing a room) Belphegor continues with saying that all the brothers believe he went to the human world as an exchange student (we never ask him why he knows that or a lot of shit about what’s going on) Belphegor comments on how he’d loved to see the looks on their faces if they found out it was Lucifer who was keeping him locked in this filthy attic. But he laughs at the end like he finds it funny. Which brings me back to my point of I believe Belphie finds it amusing but also really frustrating he’s just waiting to see what will happen. 

We can see Belphie’s thought process in the next thing he says 

I lied you, sure. But Lucifer did lock me up here. That’s the truth.

Belphegor holds a grudge against Lucifer for locking him the attic. You can tell by the way he talks. 

- Why don’t you get your brothers to help you? -

As an only option, we ask Belphegor and he tells us he would've done that a long time ago if he could. They’d freak out and confront Lucifer, leading to a war that could envelop the entire Devildom. 

I’d like to find a peaceful resolution to all this. For Lucifer, for the devildom, and for the human world as well. Personally, I’d like to have a proper, face-to-face talk with Lucifer. 

Sure we may have had a falling out, but really, it was only a little misunderstanding. If I could just talk with him, he’d realize that was the case. 

I need to find some way to get out of here, find Lucifer, and have a talk with him. That’s all I want. And that’s the truth. You understand, right?

There’s a lot to unpack here. 

I don’t think Belphie is lying. I will admit I never believed the “I want to settle things peaceful for all the three worlds.” But I do believe Belphie wants to settle things with Lucifer and go back to how they were. Belphie probably sees Lucifer as a big pushover and not how he was when they were in the Celestial Realm. Belphie sees from his point of view that it’s Lucifer’s fault and he did nothing to be locked in the attic so he keeps making sure you know it’s Lucifer’s fault. With the way he brings up Lucifer a lot and trying to make you side with him. 

He’s just the nice brother that got locked up for nothing and his big meanie older brother did it uwu he’s a soft boy OwO.

The “You understand, right?” is most likely Belphie making sure you believe him.

Of course MC replies 

You might still be lying to me. 

Belphie says he’s not surprised it can’t be helped. He tells you he counts on you and if you ever come back to talk he’s waiting.

｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆  ｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ ｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆　｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆

Belphegor, a free man

I don’t wanna touch on this too long cause this analysis is already LONG and I still got the timeline and the changed Belphie to touch on!

In lesson 14 you’ll remember Lucifer yelling at us cause we let that we saw Belphie slip. Well you’ll also remember coming out quickly and the last of them is yep 

Belphie. Lucifer still hasn’t told the other brothers about Belphie being locked away anyway that doesn’t matter in this analysis as my focus is on Belphegor. So Belphegor is angry he comes out and most of his anger is directed at Lucider saying how he bets he didn’t expect him to come here after thinking he’s gotten rid of him. 

So Belphie thinks Lucifer was just chucking him aside after what happened with Diavolo. 

Alright fast foward to Diavolo arresting Belphie for treason and talk about what Belphegor did specifically. So Belphegor was ready to destroy all of humanity cause he hated this exchange program so much. Diavolo says that Belphegor always hated humans which is true. Replaying the game and paying most attention to Belphie and his words you can see he hates humans and thinks they’re all stupid. But why?

｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆  ｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ ｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ          A Different TimeLine

Now this is most of what I want to touch on! 

So Diavolo has MC go back into the past to see who opens the door for him and lets him out. I’m not gonna go into the timeline mess it scares me and it would take me a WHILE and this is already long enough! 😂😅

So MC gets into the attic and we see Belphegor! y a y I g u ES s

So you get into the attic with cowman and he laughs weirdly and talks about how Lucifer and Diavolo would have never expected him escaping especially with the help of a human. He opens his arms to you for a hug. 

- Hug Him - - Nu-uh I don’t think so! -

Either way these two options get the same results Belphegor fucking murders you  😂😂😂 

But MC switches to a different time line and sees themselves dying in Mammon’s arms. MC pops out and before Belphie kills them a g a i n. MC tells him Lilith lived like Lucifer explained before. 

I waited to talk about Lilith and why he hates humans cause I wanted to go over all his actions again.

Belphegor hates humans because of Lilith’s love interest who was sick and Lilith risked it all and that caused her death. He holds resentment to not just that man but all humans, but it hasn’t always been like this. Levi says numerous times that Belphie actually quite loved humans and their culture. Levi also explains he loved to hear what the humans did and the new stuff they had and collecting things humans have made. The Celestial War was probably a traumatizing one for the boys all having different effects on them and his happened to be a grudge he held for the man he sees as the reason Lilith is dead. To me with the grudge is this irrational way of thinking which is “All humans are bad” so he disconnected himself as much as he could from humans. 

I don’t believe personally that Belphegor hates humans I think it was the impact of Lilith’s death and the reason she did something so reckless that got her killed that in specific is what he hates, but he can’t accept that in some way it’s Lilith’s fault as well. He takes all his frustration and lets it out on humans. I don’t think he’s a bad person just someone who’s scared of losing another person he loves. It’s not just a grudge to humans I believe he holds some resentment to Lucifer I believe he sees Lucifer as some pushover now especially since he stood up for Lilith in the war and now he’s basically sucking Diavolo’s dick and not standing up for them like when Belphegor was against the idea of the exchange program. He probably figured his brother would stand up for him, but he didn’t he just tossed him into the attic and left him there to rot. That’s probably how Belphie saw the situation not knowing Lucifer did it to actually protect him. 

Anyway thank you for coming to my Ted Talk!  ☆⌒(≧▽​° )

This is the most I’ve ever written for a post and I love it! I decided to take a few days and work on something I really like and that’s analyzing characters. Sorry if it seems there isn’t much for Belphie we just don’t spend too much time with him and for the new timeline I dunno! It just doesn’t feel like the boys so I’ve decided that I wouldn’t do the new timeline! 

This isn’t supposed to be taken too seriously just something I did out of fun! I hope you enjoyed reading and thank you so much if you did!! I know it’s alot!  🖤 🤍 🖤 🤍 🖤 🤍 🖤 🤍 🖤 🤍 🖤 🤍 🖤 🤍 🖤 🤍 🖤 🤍 🖤 🤍 🖤 🤍 🖤 🤍

[uhhhhyandere]

i’m alive. 

i really am lmao. just gone through a pretty bad mental state tho. i’m trying to write my way through it, and I figured I would share some! it got 10x worse now that I had to move back home from college bc of corona, so i’m going to probably be sporadically writing. 

stay healthy y’all! here’ the result of me playing my fifth time through three houses.

You read a poem once. Back in the day when there was enough time to indulge yourself in such frivolities, you used to read a lot of poems. In the fresh, clean winds that blew through the grassy field below the walls of Garreg Mach, you would situate yourself under the same oak tree. Sometimes it would be in the early mornings when the sky was just beginning to wake in a bask of pink, orange, and blue, but more often you would find yourself reading poems about the mortality and searing reality of war and tragic love affairs with only the light of the sun setting illuminating the print. Each work evocating a pain you should have expected before picking them off the shelf.

Perhaps you were always a stickler for things that hurt you. 

You don’t know why this particular poem was reiterating itself in your mind right now. It spoke of ice and fire, of death and desire, and of the world dying all in a mere nine lines.

No, you were lying to yourself. A little more than five years ago, this poem meant nothing to you. It did not wrench your gut like the epics of long-dead heroes and narratives of unrequited love did at the time. The short poem was something you read in a book of one-stanza poems you happened upon in the library before Tomas’s identity even came out. You remember not being able to discern a theme or meaning between the lines. There was no hidden text or interpretation to be done. What was there is what was there. 

Now, with blood staining the breeze and fire burning through the land under a black and red flag, you found the lines reciting in your head. The scorching heat of when Edelgard set fire to the center point of Gronder Field as you were in the midst of fighting on the very wood set aflame, the sickening burn of splattered blood on your cheeks of a slain enemy, an enemy you most likely once called friend, and the overwhelming intensity of the endless battles raging through Fodlan.  

Goddess, the smoke of the Empire permeated even the air around the monastery.

You exhaled, unable to shake the heavy feeling in your chest. Everyone was shaken from Gronder Field, even Felix, though he would never show or say so. Pointing your blade at the throat of Petra, locking eyes with Claude moments before he released an arrow in your direction (in all fairness, you believe he missed on purpose), they were images cemented in your brain. No prying, no treatment would dilute their intensity, especially as you slept, or tried to. The sun had long set over the mountain, and stars were beginning to peek out into the darkening sky. You huddled more into your cloak to hide from the icy breeze. 

Ice. 

Where fire burned, ice bit and nipped inside your bones. It left its own white heat in its wake. From the inside out, it crawled and it inched down your nerves, your muscles, your skin. The chill would reside over you for much longer. You looked up at the Goddess tower before you, impermeable in the night. Your heart wrenched. You’d been there on a night not so dissimilar to this one, mind the peace of the time and the ball music muffled by the walls. A happier time where you weren’t forced against old friends 0n the battlefield where you found yourself first connecting with the other houses. 

You winced, tears slipping from the squeeze of your eyes. Goddess, you wanted that again. You wanted him again.

But he was ice, a danger as much as the fire was to Fodlan at the moment. Creeping in your core, this was a chill that did not go away in any sauna or in any soup Dedue could stir up in the kitchen, but you did not want to get warm. The heat melts ice, after all, and this ice was so… thin. 

You wiped your stray tears. He could not see you cry, not without risking his temper. The boy from years ago, you knew how to do your best with him. He was much more amicable to your advances to help. 

With this man now, you toed a thin line. 

Fulfilling your promise from five years prior along with the rest of those your professor recruited, you did not expect the boy you fell in love with, the boy whose room you would tip-toe into in the dead of night, the boy you trained with and helped you become the fighter you were now,  and the boy who would sacrifice, by his word, everything for you to be the man you saw that day. Least of all did you expect those feelings or some semblance of them, to remain inside his shattered soul, but, along with himself, they festered into something twisted.

Or, perhaps this has been him the entire time, hidden under the persona of royal perfection if Felix’s continued abhorrence spoke to anything. This truth, however, bit back at you. Weren’t you supposed to be the one to see it? Weren’t you supposed to be that endless fountain of unadulterated support? Weren’t you supposed to know him? 

This guilt ate away at you. You could have done something. Goddess, anything, yet you missed it, and you stayed away for five years grieving over a man who lives, 0r, at the very least, survives. You had to make up for what you missed, both the time he was left alone here, and everything else under your gaze at the academy, 

No matter what it took.

You felt him before you saw him. Despite his seemingly inhuman strength, his footsteps were silent as they traversed across the empty monastery. The wind blowing through the cracks of the wall and ceiling covered up every noise. It almost felt like it was empty, if not for the hands gripping your hips and the heat on your back. 

“Dimitri,” you spoke. He was not the vocal boy he once was, the bundle of awkward phrases and misspoken sentences. Dimitri communicated in touch now, feel, because words outside of threats of death and useless soothings to the dead were not part of any love language. His hands, icy despite his body heat, traversed up your side. You did not jump or try to escape when he neared what you already knew he was looking for. Trying to escape anything he does only leads to more misery. “I tried to patch it up myself on the march back. Didn’t want to bother anyone.” You winced as his claw put mild pressure on the poor excuse of a bandage. 

His head wrapped around to observe your face, and you prayed you had hidden the evidence of your sorrow well enough. Unfortunately, his remaining eye was still as discerning. 

“Do you weep for them?”

“W-what?”

“Those fools. Those who would get in our way, are your tears for them?” Despite your fear, you knew Dimitri would not harm you. At least, not kill you, so you risked turning around, forcing his arms back to his side. 

“Dimitri…”

“They would stop me from ridding these ghosts, these demons, and yet you cry for their deaths? They are no longer your peers. Anyone who gets in our way is an enemy, no matter the past, and they hurt you. They hurt you, Y/N. I’ll crush anyone who dares touch what is mine.” 

“It’s just a scratch.” From saving your self-destructing ass from getting spliced by a lance. You decided to forego that part. “I should have had Manuela or Mercedes look at it before.”

“No.” Abruptly, he turned his back, the fur of his cape hitting you in the process. His large, hulking form retreated into the chapel. You followed wordlessly. “Sit.” Again, you complied. He pulled from beneath the nearby pew a small box of medical supplies. “No one touches you but me. Strip.”

“It’s cold.” 

“Strip.” In the breeze, you lifted your shirt off. His hands were long passed the point of calloused. Under the gloves, his skin was rough as he cleaned the dried blood from your skin and continued to address the wound. The finished product wasn’t nearly as well done as if your priests had done it, but it would do. “No one touches you but me.” 

“Okay.” Dimitri stood and made his way to his regular spot. Murmurs started not so long after. At his side, you would stand. Then, by his legs, you would sit. Finally, at his feet, you would lie. The rubble digging into your back and Dimitri’s growls of promised vengeance to the dead lulled you into the same restless sleep as always.

[survivormetaverse]

Episode 1 - "I know the game will pick up eventually" ~Shaad

chile lemme not get thrown out for making all these stan twitter bitch references I'M LICHERALLY HARMLESS I DON'T MEAN MOST OF WHAT I SAY DKJFHASJKLDG

~

ngl tho i'm kinda shitting myself over these challenges bc i don't wanna get tossed on the first round JKAHFSJKDGHJ my ant eye et tea is through the ROOF

~

oh girl, first impressions? ngl, the gays and girls here seem quite lovely, hopefully they won't have to carry me the entire time LMAO

Okay like the only person I like/talked to is Jodi but she seems like a smart cookie so ima sleep with one eye open. But idk I'm ready to put on my fake ass smile and my fake ass kind words and get through this part. It's interesting with 6 people per tribe like if we lose I don't have that solid "core" yet but theres a chance that it would be me, jodi, amy because we were the first three on and active so idk. the immunity challenge is cool, the hunt challenge is cool too. im not good at timed puzzles, so I don't think I'm gonna go for it but a part of me feels like everyone across the tribes isnt gonna do it becsuse theyre scared so thats a good opportunity to sneak in and play with less people against me? idk idk idk ahhh

🎶Oh my god we're back again🎶 Hey peeps!! :DDD Here I am againnnn, how fun! Tbh I forgot this was today lowkey and Dylan reminded me and I was like oop 😳 also I am so sorry to everyone that I cannot help but sprinkle the fact that we are now dating in all of my first convos bc IM VERY GAY apologies✨ for how often I'm mentioning it I mean 😂 My tribemates seems so cool, Jennifer and Babs are newbies but seem up to the challenge, Jay A and Colin already giving off immaculate vibes✨ Me and Dyl are hosting Ingary in a month and I do have like work and everything so I don't know exaclty how active I'll be in this game/ how far I'll make it but we'll see won't we!!

not me being a leader of whateva

~

it's the lack of reading comprehension for me (that was shade directed towards myself)

In the fools tribe !!! Moth is in my tribe which is good because we have played together before. The immunity challenge is divide and conquer! So I believe I will be doing the endurance one. I think I’ll be okay... and the hunt announcement is a good twist !!! I’m not sure if I’ll participate in the first one.. but I’ll probably change my mind. ANYWAYS, I’m ready to kick some ass 

Hey guys it's me Brayden and I am so here. I'm so excited to be playing again and stuff and I have already predicted the future that I'll be the winner. Anyways I was at an award ceremony for like the first 3 hours of the game which is kind of scary bc I feel like I missed alot but I'm trying to talk to people and stuff and see what's going on. I've briefly talked to Jodi, Amy, and Ginnifer (who is so hard to talk to btw I like send her messages trying to start a real conversation and she will just respond being like same or something). Anyways the other 2 people on my tribe are offline rn so ig I missed my chance to talk to them tonight so I'll do that tomorrow. Anyways I signed up to do counting and I'm so excited bc I literally KILLED the counting challenge on Kyoshi Islands so I'm so excited to hopefully kill it again. I also decided to play the hunt challenge even though I only have 3 chances bc I'm hoping alot of people will be scared to use one of their three chances to play in the first round and I can have a better chance of winning it. But I think I'm bad at puzzles. I didn't think it through that hard I think I got excited to play a challenge but whatever I'll probably win the advantage then in a few weeks win the whole game anyways see u later.

SO its the morning after the premiere!! Everyone's settled in!! and I kinda don't know how to feel?? Overall the premiere was kinda quiet, nothing happened worth noting tbh. Everyone on the tribe showed up, so thats good, but i think we're all just feeling each other out at the moment as for the people on my tribe! everyone seems chill but also i can't put my finger on it but SOMEHOW this tribe radiates chaotic energy. I don't know HOW or WHY but I just know it DOES. The way we're interacting in the tribe chat it seems like there's a very wide range of personalities and vibes. They're either gonna complement each other or clash, and I guess we're just gonna have to wait to find out which one!!! here are my quick night 1 first impressions that no one asked for :) Anastasia - she showed up kinda late bc she had life happening, understandable. BUT she kinda just jumped right in and started vibing with everyone!! so I think she's gonna be a strong social player. I talked to her and she seems really funny, I think I might really get close with her if I'm able to talk to her more Babs - IF our tribe does end up being chaotic, it's going to be because of Babs. They're definitely the most talkative and prominent person on the tribe, but I think they might come off as messy to others. they're really funny though!! so again I can see myself wanting to work with them if I can get to know them more. They are the biggest question mark on the tribe for me currently Elle - AH. I LOVE THEM ALREADY. Within minutes of us talking they mentioned Dylan and then I found out that they're DATING and I was SCREECHING. cutest shit i've ever heard. I'm so excited to meet and play with them. Dylan is one of my fave people in the org community so ofc I wanna get to know Elle and connect with them as well!! Jay - I think Jay seems like just a very genuine open person?? Like we talked for quite a while yesterday just about games and he was asking me questions about my experience with them and all that. idk if it's because he sees me as a threat or if its because he just actually wanted to get to know me. He lowkey gives me heterosexual vibes and idk if thats true or not but idk how to bring it up. but I def wanna keep talking to him and getting to know him!! I think he might be someone I can form a genuine friendship with Jennifer - kinda have no opinion so far. I think shes the quietest on the tribe. at least for me I didn't get the chance to hear from her much. kinda gives catfish vibes. kinda gives early boot vibes. idk. we'll see what happens!

Not too much yet tbh. Just finding my footing. People are loving my energy so hopefully they’ll keep me around

So i realized Amy is runner up from the season before mine in another org and so we connected over that... of course we are not going to tell anyone else but we did have that going for us to get started. brayden is only 16 but he told me he loves magic and wanted to learn more about it so i told him id teach him some stuff! dennis and i called and connected well BUT hes kinda playing SUPER hard and wanting to throw challenges already to vote people out.. this has never worked out for anybody!! josh is cool, he works at a grocery store so he's gonna kill the "b" challenge. ginnifer has been the most MIA but i have faith that we'll work together well for the popularity contest. yall know i cant play the reverse flirt game i so badly want to coin, but i do have romance tea for yall tomorrow. stay tuned........

Jay and I talked last night so i guess we're best friends. We decided to make an alliance and try to get Elle in it. But everyone has been pretty inactive besides Jay and Collin. I've only slightly talked to Jessica this whole game and Babs hasn't even said one thing to me and I texted them hi. And apperently Babs has left Jay on opened too so they might just suck at talking right now. Hopefully Babs will talk to me they seem so funny and cool D:

I won endurance 👑!!!! Hopefully the fools tribe wins this!!!! I played against Jennifer and Dennis. I could see myself playing with Dennis down the line if we merge. I haven’t talked to anyone but Moth. So I messaged my whole tribe Introducing myself. Hopefully things work out for me! 

Thoughts after the first 24hrs: https://youtu.be/I62bDSzgf68

You hear something ??? Same. Why is my tribe so quiet 😂😂😂😂 I’m trying to read off the vibes but I see nothing. 

I really love my tribe and the fact that they don’t know I played last season is a good strategy to play on my end

tbh i wish we lost i wanted to go to tribal and vote one of these people out :(

Welp we got second place in the first challenge :| which isn't bad!! But it's not first place 😂😂. But I had a fun day taking pictures so whateverssss. I said I would be chaotic in this game but the opportunity hasn't presented itself yet... Guess we'll have to wait and see✨

I think at this point, my team is shady and won't say anything to me so I am nervous.

The challenges were way harder than I thought. I didn't do well at all and let my tribe down. I feel like I will be the first to get voted out if we have a tribal hearing.

We lost yay. I had a feeling. Hopefully the tribe will keep me around for now since I won endurance.... lhsisowjshwowpwpwheowowhfiwpqpqpjw. Jared thinks we can vote Bri out. Which I’m fine with, I haven’t really talked to her at all. Jared and I are going to message the others and see where everyone’s head is at. Honestly I don’t care who goes home as long as I’m safe. Everyone is quiet which is so annoying. Blahhhhhhhhhh 

Well it’s my 3rd time playing and it’s not off to the best start, no one seems to be talking to anyone. And we lost meaning we are going to tribal council. So fuck- I have no idea what about to happen. I’m just hoping it’s not me or Jess

if i must confess, my strategy is to have a 4-3-2 alliance. i need a 4 to have a majority, but i dont have a 4 yet. within the 4, theres a three person alliance w me jodi and amy, but within that three i believe that the core 2 is myself and jodi. i really dont care who the 4th is. i like having jodi and amy as an alliance because theyre both doing wayy too much which is great for me :) i dont think any of these people have idols but who knows. i would love to throw the next immunity i wanna go to tribal!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Looks like we’ve got something good. We’ve got an alliance that’s set to (hopefully) vote out bri due to inactivity. Let’s just pray it works

~

Trying to talk in this tribe is so difficult In both my other seasons I was pretty quiet all the time It is like that x10000 I was hoping to stay under the radar but that doesn’t work if no one talks at all I suppose it depends on if I’m being played or if everyone just doesn’t talk. I think there’s a plan. Let’s hope it goes well 

OKAY SO. Moth, Jared and I have a little alliance going on. We are set on voting out Bri. I just talked to Danny and Shaad and they are down with voting Bri out. I have high hopes that I’ll be safe at tribal. 

Better communication.. in sticking with that fact, our communication in my team could be better and we need to put more effort into what we do, I believe in us!

https://youtu.be/595h7hmL6VY

The start to this game has been a freaking snails pace...it’s unbelievable to me that these people do not want to talk that much, especially when it’s a tribe of 6. Colin and I talk the most, I’ve gotten a decent amount out of Anastasia, and to me it feels like those 2 wants to work with me and I am fine with working with them. Usually in a larger group you want to figure out who you can work with long term and use the first few tribals to establish trust, I may throw that out the window since there’s only 5 other people on this tribe. My strategy needs to be who the hell can get me past these first few votes before a swap happens, and I feel like I can rely on Colin and Anastasia for that. I’d like to pull in Elle, because she’s the one who’s talked to me the most out of her, Babs, and Jennifer. Everyone seems nice, but it would be lovely if people would be more active. 

I’m enjoying the fact our tribe won the first challenge everyone is very nice I love it :)

This round has been pretty smooth sailing. I know the game will pick up eventually but for now, we are just going with the flow as a tribe

https://youtu.be/UZVzZ6d6GRU

~

ok so apparently ginnifer isn't famous. she's just a bit quiet and mysterious. ok with me, just gonna take a while because I'm a loud and outspoken person (and player). amy, dennis and I have an alliance called "fang gang" (it's really just 3 emojis of vampires) and we're going to run the premerge hopefully. I do like brayden a lot, and maybe I'll propose a 3 with him, amy and myself to have a solid 4 control the votes until a swap. round 1 not bad so far!

~~~

Edgics:

Power Rankings:

Phantom

Jodi: I believe Jodi is thriving on this tribe. She is very obviously a social player who picks up on the littlest details. I’m sure she can sniff out a plot if it comes down to it. However, Jodi is the plot. She is the leader of her tribe and is easily the most active person in the game at the moment. So long as she keeps a smile on her face and doesn’t overextend to do something messy, she will find that she will make it safely to merge. Allying with Amy could be dangerous however since Amy has stated she needs to be voted out before a certain date. This means that Jodi needs to socialize with other members of her tribe and get new allies before hers will inevitably be voted out of the game.

Amy: Even though she wants to get voted out, Amy has set herself up perfectly at Jodi’s side. She can take the heat off of herself using Jodi and is able to hide better than others. As always, her UTR game has come out to shine. She hasn’t had anyone call her out and even though Jodi has seen her play she is still able to gain her trust.

Josh: Doing so well in the challenge has earned Josh’s place here. He makes his worth known early and has a great personality as well. This makes him very safe for any early tribal councils as no one is going to want to take him out; they want him on their side. Similar to Amy, he just seems to be using an under the radar social game which he is executing well at the present moment. And, as the star of the challenge, he makes himself safe for future tribals before the swap. However, I do fear that this early impression of competition prowess will come back to haunt him if he makes it to the merge.

Dennis: I would put Dennis higher, but Jodi, his ally, already is suspicious of him. She seems to think of him as a bit of a sneak and, as the tribe leader, her opinions matter the most. It is good that he is able to be Jodi’s ally so she might stray away from voting him out. However, his desire to go to tribal and play the game so early may bite him in the butt later down the line. I can definitely see him being called out for trying to play too hard too fast. At the moment, he remains high because he seems to be decently social and no one except Jodi has sniffed him out.

Brayden: There’s not much to say on Brayden’s game. He doesn’t seem to have any allies, his challenge performance wasn’t as good as others on his tribe, and he is not in any alliances yet. This spells disaster for Brayden if his tribe goes to consecutive tribal councils. Additionally, even though he was one of the few to play in the Hunt, he didn’t win and wasn’t even close to doing so. He even gave up part way through to do the immunity challenge. I would be saving them if I were Brayden, but hindsight is 20/20. If Brayden can squeeze into being the fourth of the Jodi, Amy, Dennis alliance instead of Josh then maybe his game forecast will be better.

Ginnifer: The thing that lands Ginnifer on the bottom is that she said that her tribe could vote her out if they lost the challenge. This primes people to already be willing to get rid of her in this game. Additionally, some people have expressed difficulty with talking to Ginny such as Jodi and Amy. The former still wants to give Ginny a try at being an ally while the latter was ready to vote her out if necessary. Ginny just needs to pick up social steam and outperform in the next comp if she’s going to have longevity in this game.

Fools

Jessica: In lieu of a clear leader, Jessica has stepped up as she started the first alliance on her tribe with Moth and Jared. No doubt, Jessica’s prior relationship with Moth helped facilitate. Additionally, this seems to paint them as the “active” members of this not active tribe. Therefore, it will be very easy for Jessica to dictate votes without getting labelled as a threat since her tribe is not active enough to do so. I can definitely see her leaning on Moth as a crutch, but for now she is the topdog of her tribe. Especially so since she was the only member of her tribe to win a challenge in Divide and Conquer.

Moth: As Jessica’s right-hand person, Moth is a secure spot. It also helped that they have played this game before and is on a not active tribe. This vibes well with Moth’s gameplay style since they aren’t a social powerhouse like Jodi or Colin. Instead, she keeps it more lowkey which makes this tribe in particular a great tribe for her to thrive in.

Jared: While he hasn’t provided a confessional yet, it’s clear he’s positioned himself well with Moth and Jessica. As the topdogs of the tribe, they are key people to get in with. Besides that, he seems to be a little more active than some others, but there’s not much else to say as of right now.

Danny/Shaad: Him and Shaad can trade spots on this ranking because they are playing similar games at the moment. They are both quiet and inactive, yet are not part of the core alliance of this tribe. This could spell danger for them in upcoming tribal councils if they don’t start working on people now. They seem to be safe for now based solely on Bri’s inactivity, but, otherwise, they need to pick up their socio-strategic game before it is too late.

Bri: She seems to be the most likely person to get voted out. She was not online at all for the first two days of the game and has since remained inactive. She is easy pickings for the top 3 of this tribe which really hurts my heart. I know her in real life and she is very sociable and easy to get along with. I have no doubt that in a real life game of Survivor or Big Brother, she would kill the social game.

S.E.E.S.

Colin: Similar to Jodi, Colin is the most social person on his tribe at the moment. However, unlike Jodi, he has not taken a leader position which works to his benefit. Despite being social, Colin has been able to slip under the radar of most people with a lot of them wanting to work with him. Colin is easily going to survive until the swap, but I will caution him from getting too many allies too quickly. This tribe in particular has a wildcard willing to blow things like that up so he needs to be careful.

Elle: Similar to her previous games, Elle plays an extraordinary social game and becomes very well-liked very easily. They have no problem fitting into any situation and I foresee them making it far if they gain the right allies. What puts her at number 2 as opposed to number 1 is that she hasn’t made any strategic comments yet. Instead, she is focusing on a social game which is not a bad thing. Colin has just shown more of his gameplay in these rounds.

Anastasia: Anastasia, despite being late to the premiere, has been able to socialize with key people such as Colin and Jay. Her prior connection with Elle has also sparked an interest in Colin in working with the two of them as an alliance. Overall, her and Elle sort of share the 2 and 3 spot since they are both well-liked, did well in the challenge, and are prime allies for Colin whose word will feel like law if this tribe ever goes to tribal.

Jay: Jay is neither here nor there. He isn’t in the bottom, but he is not calling the shots either. It is good that Colin wants him as his number 1 and that Anastasia likes him. Out of the three outside of this potential Elle, Colin, Anastasia alliance, he seems like he will be most likely to be saved until a swap occurs. His calls with people have certainly been helping with that as people are able to bond more with him through there. His activity could use work, but he doesn’t need to be active if he’s liked.

Babs: With another Jodi comparison, Babs has taken the leadership position of their tribe. However, they are not as social and, in fact, considered a big threat since they are so willing to talk freely and openly in the tribe chat. Their gameplay is going to be Messy, and people have already pointed that out, making them a clear target if this tribe goes to tribal council. Despite that, they aren’t at the bottom since some people, like Colin, have expressed interest in working with that kind of player as a sort of shield. If Babs were to tone it down and be more social with people (another problem with their game), they may be able to crawl up these rankings.

Jennifer: Sadly I have to put another phonetic Jennifer at the bottom. She did the worst in the challenge across her tribe and isn’t active either. For this round, it seems she would be the easy vote if this tribe had gone to tribal. She needs to start being more social and be more of a presence in people’s minds.

[social-buttface]

so uhhh......am i non-🅱️inary????

like, i’ve been wondering for a bit, like a year or more idk. it’s hard to explain bc calling myself nonbinary isn’t necessarily important to me; my gender identity isn’t that important to me* but every time i’m asked my gender on a school/medical survey i sorta cringe but always go with female bc it feels safer (or just “prefer not to say”). but a lil part of me still says “no!! not right!!!” but it doesn’t feel relevant enough to click the non-binary option? & also i don’t know what the consequences of choosing non-binary might be in certain contexts, bc as we all know transphobia is unfortunately Alive and Well in this world. female just feels like a comfortable safe default (and male is an obvious no for me)

(*actually a better way of looking at that would probably be that having others perceive me how i perceive myself isn’t that important to me, like i’m fine being labeled a girl/woman if the situation is such that i wouldn’t feel comfortable pointing anything out to the contrary & i’m cool w being called a daughter/granddaughter/niece/girlfriend/etc)

ig nonbinary is an umbrella term that just means “outside of the binary” which itself falls under the umbrella term transgender which is not identifying as the gender you were assigned at birth. but like what does that even mean, your assigned gender at birth? i’m afab and was raised female but was not shoved into any overbearingly “female” roles. i remember having two cars for my barbies/bratz dolls; one was a lavender colored 2008ish VW Beetle, and the other was a scarlet 2008ish Mustang, and i’d play with whichever one fit my mood better that day. My mom sometimes seemed to take issue with me expressing interest in overtly “feminine” things like disney princesses and frills and tiaras, which made me feel weird about liking that stuff, plus i was fat my entire life since the age of like 7, which stunted my ability to feel feminine in many ways, or to feel allowed to be feminine at all. i never felt desirable or elegant or mysterious or gentle like how i saw other girls (very sapphic of me in hindsight); instead i felt clunky and awkward and repulsive and aimless and hopeless. A part of me really feels like my gender identity and expression are tied strongly to my experience being overweight, and yet another part of me wants to dig past all of that and find the real, raw answer; what i’d be like if i either didn’t grow up overweight or just wasn’t bothered by it. like in Spirited Away and she’s trying to clear all the muck away from the river spirit...just wanna tie a rope to it and yank it out lol

i’ve dressed more femininely since i’ve weighed less in the past few years, but i also dress masc, especially for work. it’s more like i’m hiding my body less at this point (& a lot of that is just coming with age, not even the losing weight, i feel like. like i just care less about what others are thinking most of the time) And i’ve never been close friends with more overtly “feminine” girls - my best/close friends through the years have all been varying degrees of gnc (save for one but that friendship that was more out of proximity & ended,,,badly). i could never relate to the interests and thought processes of the “girly girls” but i don’t think i was even the “i’m not like most girls” type that much because i never let myself really consider myself a girl especially around girls like that. to them i was just the underdog

but i also think of like, what would i have been like, gender identity-wise, if i’d had siblings? or if i grew up in a nuclear family type traditional household? a household that valued and enforced gender roles? or in the 1970’s? how would i feel then? and why do i feel like i need that frame of reference to understand how i feel now, who i actually am, lmao. why does it matter?

i also really crave validation and praise for the more feminine parts of me when it comes to others feeling romantic or sexual feelings for me, but i can’t tell if that’s wanting reassurance of my gender, or reassurance that i am attractive and desirable? i love being in a pretty flowy dress and in brightly colored makeup and 3” heeled boots but i also love my button downs tucked into wranglers and wearing my steel toed scratched up wolverine boots and i’ve strongly considered getting a binder jus to have it (titties too big to actually use it for extended periods of time) and i have a pretty masculine gait. and yes i’m very aware that presentation =/= gender always but they do feel very connected for me

i was drunker when i started writing this and it’s been like 2 hours. i have no idea what i even wanted to say here other than i’m just real confused , but i also wouldn’t be surprised if there’s a timeline in which 25 year old me who openly identifies as non binary is reading back on this and chuckling at what a naive fool i am. an absolute scoundrel, a fiend, a buffoonish rapscallion... tearing myself open like i’m trying to find my hearing aid in a large bush (i speak, unfortunately, from experience...gone but never forgotten R.I.P. left hearing aid 201?-2013) (if you’re in outer banks NC keep an eye out lmao. who am i kidding. it’s in the ocean now)

feel free to comment if ya want. i don’t expect many ppl will read this all the way through & it’s mostly just for me to put these thots down in words before they escape me or i twist it too much for myself, also so i can read back on it in the future. i have corrected so many spelling errors writing this. i must sleep. free the nipple yall.

[sunwoork]

mila & sunwoo reporting for duty !! okay so true story i’m writing this as my acceptance is getting posted ... and you guys’ welcome messages are popping in like crazy ?? you guys are fast ... i’m shook ! anyways, it’s so nice to meet you all ! i am mila, and i was here for a v v short time before w another muse but it was so uneventful we’re gonna skip over it lmao ? anywho !

the star of the show is mr. kim sunwoo, our film student at k-arts who eats food and gets  scared in his free time ! if i’m being honest he .... doesn’t know what he’s doing at all, literally at all, but that’s what character development’s for !! i’m gonna put some info about him down below, and click for his profile, bio, socials, and the saddest plots page i have ever seen in life ( i had 5 minutes ok it’s a wip .... more is coming i promise >.< ) but anywho i’m excited to meet all of you and i will stop talking all of your ears off !! oh yeah ... and like this to plot with me !

i’m gonna quite literally skip over all his backstory because it sums it all up in the bio and if i start then i’ll never stop !! 

but as a VERY short summary, sunwoo’s mom gave him up almost immediately after he was born because she was young & didn’t think she could care for him, sunwoo bounced through the system before eventually being placed with his permanent home & now adoptive mother, kim hyejin !!

and him being left as a kid & getting bounced from foster home to foster home really left a toll on him, and now he really craves clear acceptance and affection ?

sidenote kim hyejin is actually quite older, in her mid-60′s, so she looks more like his grandma than mom ?? which is ... confusing to a lot of people a lot of the time, and he gets tired of the questions but loves her to death ! i’m also so making it canon she looks like moon sook the actress because .... a BEAUTY ?? we stan aging gracefully !!!

he’s also hesitant to call her mom bc he has this undying faith he’ll reunite w his mother, even now so you’ll see him bounce between calling her mom & ms. kim !!

but not to spoil anything sunwoo will discover later but uh ... his relationship w his mom won’t be restored, at least not in the way he wants :((

but onto general sunwoo things !!

( and as a general note, if i refer to his “mom”, i’m referring to his adoptive mom, hyejin kim, unless stated otherwise ! i don’t want to confuse you guys ! )

creator of the channel “scream cuisine”, where he eats food while telling scary stories / conspiracy theories, and gives commentary !! definitely a paranormal enthusiast, with the unbothered energy of shane from buzzfeed unsolved w the hyperactivity of ryan ?? starting his channel def got him into making videos & he’s loved it ever since !

but more than anything, his biggest love is writing ! has a little personal blog where he writes random things spanning from poems to kpop album reviews lmao !! he wanted to be a journalist, but got into k-arts on the biggest whim ever after they apparently liked his video submission ?? so was like ok ... for now we’ll go with that !!

so currently he’s attending k-arts, and honestly finds it quite weird because he doesn’t really fit in w the passion a lot of the other students have for film ?? some of them are like v intense about it while he just sort of does it bc it’s fun ??

inherited a variety of skills from his mom ! these include painting, gardening, cooking, and a love for music ! so he can dabble a bit in all of them ! he’s honestly an overgrown grandma if we’re being honest, it’s what he gets for being raised a generation behind everyone else his age

he actually does love to sing !! ballads more than anything in terms of things he sings himself, but loves jamming to upbeat pop songs more than most things in this world !! he has a softer / higher voice, and though he has a really nice tone he has no professional training so he’s sort of just ... out here doing him ??

and see !!! this is the problem ! if you couldn’t tell already sunwoo literally has a thousand interests, and small talents, but none that really are screaming out at him ?? so his lack of intense passion for something is really frustrating ! he hasn’t been able to find himself yet and is constantly upset at himself for it.

if he knows you, sunwoo KNOWS you - he’ll be super friendly, always talking, etc !! though surprisingly, if sunwoo doesn’t know you he can become super introverted ? not because he doesn’t want to talk, but he is just more conscious of how he presents himself to you !

sunwoo def has chaotic tik tok boy energy ... he has been left with his phone for too long and his brand deteriorated bc of it ... i apologize if he just starts doing tik tok dances or makes weird references in the middle of serious convos it’s his coping mechanism

he does have a rbf but it’s so misleading ?? like this man is SUCH  a soft boy and yet when he is zoning out he’s like  😡 but then u talk to him and he’s like  😊 

also romance wise, he loves tsundere boys and strong-minded girls that are older than him ?? do i know why ?? i do not !! it just happened this way

he’s honestly so supportive, will stan everyone ?? and when i mean everyone, i mean yes even your random muse who walks past him one time without saying anything ?? he just has developed a v empathetic and loving personality despite his circumstance, and honestly kinda because of it ??

he loves video games, but unfortunately, he’s literally terrible on them ?? tried being a twitch gaming streamer before being gifted $1 by someone, only to have them send a message being like “u suck” so he was like ok wrong choice !!!

if i had to say the chance of sunwoo realizing his potential to be an idol, i would say 3.21%!!!! lmAO listen as much as he likes singing, and he likes attention, he just ... hasn’t really connected the dots ? he’d be the type to audition for fun but like ? he also does a lot of other things for fun he’s really not considering it as a thing for real yet ??

but !! he is about to start taking dance classes because he’s trying to lose this college weight so if anyone wants to help him or join him on this journey be our guest !!

oh !!! right he has a pomeranian named banana, but he calls her nana, and when i tell you this dog is his pride and joy he will never be prouder of anything more than he will be the day he adopted her ??? she’s 2, a diva, and bites him at least a few times a day but if you ask him he’ll say that’s her love language !!!

speaking of love ... phew this man is a lovebug !! goes though crushes like the flu - it comes fast, it hits him hard, and then goes away just like that. chances are if you know him he’s had a crush on you at some point of time or still do ? don’t worry i promise he won’t make it awkward !

anyway i feel like this was an overload of very chaotic information but sunwoo’s an incredibly chaotic overload of energy so !! very in character of me if i do say so myself ... i’m gonna let sunwoo speak for himself and hopefully we can get something going !! i’ve been so excited to bring him here & have been doing a lot of work so i hope he’s taken to well here !! i can’t wait to meet your muses :’))