#not tonight though i had to drive for 6 and a half hours today i can barely think rn.

[deiscension]

Would you guys still like me if I ended up writing a whole meta on Brand New City's double meanings for SQX. Would you.

[novemberdrift]

𝙞 𝙬𝙖𝙣𝙩 𝙩𝙤 𝙠𝙞𝙨𝙨 𝙠𝙞𝙡𝙡 𝙮𝙤𝙪 | colby brock & sam golbach x fem reader

summary: slight enemies to lovers trope, sam/colby, and you are from kansas, and make haunted content, only difference is they blew up months before you did. you and the guys have a rocky relationship, jokingly but also not jokingly hating eachother. what happens when you both plan to film at the stanley on the same day. | a/n: hey guys, uh warning for like the beginning of smut(?) also please call me out on spelling mistakes!! also don't be shy to request jake words: 12k

"hey guys, welcome back to another video! if you saw my recent tweets, you'll know that our next series is going to be based around the stanley hotel, one of the most haunted areas in the us." you introduced the video idea. "and to make it even more special, we're going to be joined by three very special guests that you may recognize."

you pan the camera towards your three best friends. "vera, milo andd finn!"

"hi guys!" vera smiles, waving to the camera, adjusting her backpack on her shoulder. her light brown hair blowing in the slight wind.

"hey whats up." milo says, putting his hand to his mouth and biting his lip, making his brother roll his eyes.

"nobody likes that." finn murmurs seriously, before chuckling. "hi fans! i've missed you guys." he makes a heart with his hands.

"cringe alerttt." milo snickers, making fun of him.

"okay, okay calm down guys, i need to explain to them what's going to happen today." you stated, setting down the camera onto a tripod, before sitting down yourself on a bench outside of target. "come sit down, i want to get a cool shot."

one by one they sit down on the bench with you, everyone squished so they could be in frame. "okay, so! i'm hoping to film the entire trip so i have a series worth of content for you guys. and i was thinking on how we should get to the stanley, like by plane or something but then i had a thought.. what if.. we did.. a roadtrip!" you announce to not just the viewers but also your friends.

"what." milo gave a disapointed look. "how long are we going to be in colorado?"

"i was thinking that we start driving there tonight, it's kinda a long drive so we'll get to colorado around 11am, and we can like chill out until we check in at stanley around 5, explore the most haunted areas, and then we can sleep for a bit and then wake up at 3am." you explain, earning a nod from the group.

"i'm thinking we only stay there overnight and then we leave in the morning around 10 or so, another 17 hours back, makes it just like two days and a half i think." you say, overexplaining the time, to make sure nobody was busy.

"what day is it today?" vera asks, looking to the two boys.

"wednesday." finn answers, giving a smile to the girl, earning a smile back.

"wait wednesday? shit i don't think i can go y/n, i have a modeling thing on sunday." milo shrugs.

"you'll be back saturday morning, though." you say, raising an eyebrow, and crossing your arms.

"i need my beauty sleep, this trip sounds exhausting, i can't come back, having a shoot with eyebags." he says, earning a scoff from finn.

"whattt." vera pouts at him. "but the ghost squad won't be the same without you! the viewers will be so upset at you."

"yeah! milo we need you to come with us, you always make for good content." you say, before giggling.

he pauses for a moment, thinking about his schedule before looking to vera. the two had a weird relationship, something along the lines of friends with benefits.

finally, he shrugs. "i guess i'll go, but i need to be back that morning, i need time to recharge." he says.

"awesome!" you smile, jumping out of your seat on the bench. you glance at finns watch. "okay so it's about 4, we need to leave around 6. so i'm thinking we get loads of snacks and some ghost type stuff here at target, get to the apartment and then we can pack like anything we need."

"fuck yeah." finn nods. "i'm down for snacks." he laughs as you jokingly pass your credit card to him.

"since i'm dragging you guys out here, the snacks and stuff is all on me so don't worry about paying."

"yoo really?" finn actually snatches your card this time, laughing mischievously.

"are drinks on you too?" vera asks, with a smug smile. "i could use some vod- i mean water." she looks into the camera directly as she corrects herself. she coughs. "water, yes water."

"i fucking love water." milo laughs, wrapping an arm around vera, making her blush.

you clear your throat, before looking to finn, and pulling him along into target. "lets go guys! we don't have much time."

the four of you grab a cart, trying to keep the camera down so an employee doesn't see and kick you out. vera suggests you getting into the cart, so you do and suddenly shes pushing you down aisles at rapid speed.

you scream at the movements. "vera! be careful!" you laugh, the boys chasing you two down.

"how will we get snacks if you two are fooling around with your shenanigans." finn comments, trying not to burst out into laughter.

"okayy, fineee." vera stops the cart, making it jolt.

"so, what snacks should we get?" you ask from inside the cart, looking at the chip selection.

"oo definitely doritos." milo reaches for them, throwing them in.

"i want ms vickies." you say, grabbing two kinds, both your favourite, and finn's.

"hmm i don't know what i want, i'm more craving licorice." she walks away into the direction of the candy aisle.

"she left us!!" you pout, encouraging finn to push the cart slowly.

as you three make it to the other aisle, you see vera with her hands full of candy. licorice, m&ms, gummy bears, popcorn and some chocolate.

"yes the m&ms!" you shout, making grabby hands towards the small package.

"i know you so well." vera snickers, chucking not one but two packages directly at you. "score!!"

"do we need any other snacks?" you wonder aloud, looking back to the guys.

"i could use a drink." milo comments, shrugging.

"to the drinks!"

everyone goes completely different in their choice of drink. you watch as finn reaches for two monster cans, vera on her tippy toes trying to grab a bottle of fresca, and milo looking at coconut milk. you scoff and roll your eyes at that.

finn notices the look and shuffles over to you, whispering behind his hand. "he's so lame."

you try not to laugh, as he's a few meters away. "i agree. i don't know what vera sees in him." you mutter back, knowing that finn has been in love with her since preschool.

you had all gone to the small school, finn meeting vera, and milo meeting you in kindergarten. because of classes you didn't really know finn until he was at vera's 6th birthday party.

and ever since you three had been the best of friends. with milo he was slightly different. it was like he was popular since the womb. he came out and immediately was the cooler sibling. it took a few more years for him to be apart of the group, only really joining because vera had a huge crush on him.

it was a weird love triangle. them being brothers and all. it was obvious milo didn't have feelings for her but he couldn't not play into it.

"i'm being serious, i can't believe she's still all over him." you say. "he treats her horribly. you really should confess." you encourage him.

"dude, i'm not ruining our 18 year long friendship just because of my dumb feelings." he sighs disappointingly.

"atleast consider it. you're perfect for her!"

"perfect for who?" both you and finn become still, eyes wide turning to the girl standing infront of them.

"perfect for selena gomez." you blurt, before whispering into her direction. "his celebrity crush." you shrug, trying to hide what was actually happening.

finn rolls his eyes, annoyed. "yeah."

"oh cool. she's hot i guess." she turns away and walks back towards milo, attempting to look over his shoulder.

"close one." you mumble.

"don't talk about this stuff around her, i can't risk her finding out." he pleads, embarrassed of the situation.

"yes, of course, sorry about that." you rub the back of your neck awkwardly before getting a drink too.

about 20 minutes later, and you're leaving target, still in the cart, packed tightly around the bags. you click the button on your key, the trunk popping out. the guys begin to pack away the bags in there, before vera takes you on one last run with the cart.

"wooooo!" you smile, feeling the cold wind hit you at your fast past. you're going so quick that you can only just make out the figures of the guys, finn with his camera out, taking a few pictures of the two of you.

after the shenanigans were over, you were driving the car back to the apartment you, vera and finn shared. you remember when vera begged you two to let milo move in as if there was room.

the apartment was bigger than an average one, but for four people, it would suck and be cramped with eachothers things.

and it wasn't like you couldn't afford a real place, because you could. your youtube channel was absolutely blowing up. you were about halfway to three million subscribers, around the same amount as your social media arch nemesis, sam and colby.

your channel and theirs have always been really close, them having no more then 10k subscribers then you at a time. it's been noticed by many fans, and earlier this year it became a competition. both yours and their fanbases have almost gone against eachother, starting a rivalry.

it was such a serious thing to their fans that they would leave hate comments on most of your videos. you tried not to let it get to you, and you made sure to only take them as jokes.

you honestly felt a bit betrayed by sam and colby as a creator. you thought they would've spoken up about the real threats, but they chose to leave it unnoticed, leave their fans spewing hate.

infact one time they even made a passive aggressive dig towards you in their haunted series a few months ago. colby said something along the lines of how they would always be better and he made a joke about sexism, that womens youtube content could never be as good as a mans. he clearly said it was a joke, but who jokes about that stuff?

and that's when you really declared war. if they wanted to be assholes, they would get treated as such. you ended up blocking him on instagram so you’d stop getting tagged in stuff with him.

you sighed, walking through the door behind everyone else, going to your room to pack a few clothing items. you turned the camera back on, setting it on the side table. "hey guys, just an update, we are now each packing our bags, and hopefully we will leave within the hour! hmm i think i'm gonna post the picture finn took in the parking lot for you guys."

you go onto your phone and post a picture on instagram. this was something you would do often to interact with fans.

you would post a picture while filming, and reply to a few comments on the video.

@y/nslittleworld

Liked by verakeys, finnsphotography, tarayummy and 310k others. y/nslittleworld: this is how we're getting to colorado, by cart view all 4,381 comments.. verakeys: when i was pushing you inside the store i was so scared of an employee 😭 finnsphotography: pretty tarayummy: you guys r so hot!! brennen: pls answer my dms | y/nslittleworld: brennen for the last time i won’t be your girlfriend

y/nsbiggestfan12: she posted!!, new lock screen check! | y/nslittleworld: you’re adorable <3 i love my fans

team_y/n776: team y/n! she's so pretty!! | team_colby_brock: no she's not 💀she looks basic view 109 comments..

you giggled at your comment to brennen. it's a running joke on both of your channels that brennen has a major crush on you.

"oh god." you put a hand to your mouth, looking at all the replies arguing about which youtube channel is better. you hated how seriously all of this has become, you never wanted this many people hating on you on the internet but it seems like it was practically inevitable.

hearing a light knock on your door, you spotted milo looking at you. "hey just to let you know we're ready and waiting."

"alright, i'm coming."

the roadtrip was long, uncomfortable and almost unbearable. you were only two hours in and you were tired. since you planned this, everyone demanded you drive, atleast until you get too tired. finn offered to take turns with you. "hey vera, can you pass me that five hour energy shot?"

she chuckled, passing it to the front.

the car you had was very large, it was like a family van. you bought it, knowing you'd need space for camera equipment, and people since you were a youtuber. the seats were down in the back, creating a bed like base. was it a little unsafe? possibly, but you were a very good driver so you were confident it'd be fine.

finn opened the bottle for you, and you took it, chugging the container in a few seconds. before making a screeching sound. "yuck."

as he put his hand up to move his hair out of his face, milo started talking. "so like, what's so scary about this place?"

"oh i have tons of stories." you chuckle, gesturing for finn to grab the camera and place it on the dashboard. "hey guys! we're about two hours into the drive, and i think it's a good time to share why the stanley is so haunted." you smile.

"me and y/n did a lot of research and took some notes." finn shows the paper he's holding. "because she's driving i'm going to do most of the explanation this time."

he places the paper infront of him. "okay so first." he looks back to his brother. "ya'know the shining? like the movie."

"uhh yeah i think so." he shrugs. "why?"

"well the shining was created by stephen king, and it's based on a dream he had while staying here." "he had crazy dreams and feelings from the hotel. there's many different spirits that reside there."

"yeah like room 217, the most haunted room in the hotel. it's haunted by a spirit named elizabeth wilson, she was the hotels head housekeeper and didn't die in the room, but got injured during a storm in 1911, and now she chooses that room to stay in." you pip in, while turning.

"there's the vortex, which as you all know." finn looks to the camera. "is those mirrors facing eachother, creating a kind of portal, or 'rapid transit system' he repeats from his notes.

"also the concert hall." he continues. "if you watched our video from last year, you'll know we did a throughout investigation in the concert hall, where a young spirit called lucy lives. she basically froze to death outside after getting kicked out by janitors in super cold weather."

"i really recommend you guys go check out our first video about the stanley, because we give tons more information about the hauntings." vera says to the camera.

"i'm thirsty." milo groans.

the group laughs at him, you grabbing the camera and turning it off. finn throws a waterbottle into the back, not looking. it ends up hitting milos face, earning a scoff. "watch where you're throwing things."

finn just rolls his eyes, trying not to laugh. "sorry brother."

you chuckle at the sibling behaviour, before sighing looking out ahead at the road. "this is so tedious." you yawn.

finn laughed, before asking if you were okay to drive. "yeah, i'm okay. you guys should try and get some sleep! i'll pull over and wake finn up when i need to switch. but for now, really get some z's."

"you don't have to tell me twice!" vera announces, sinking into her blanket.

"i won't purposely try and fall asleep but if i do, wake me up the second you need to okay?" finn said, earning a nodd from you.

as the sun set fully, the dark began to set in. it was honestly pretty nice. there were no cars on the road, and occasionally anytime they went through a town there would be plenty of lights. it felt calm, rather than scary.

you felt like you were preparing yourself for the stanley. you had been once before, about a year and a half ago with just vera and finn, and your experience was crazy. so many noises, feelings, stuff moving around.

you loved the paranormal so even though places were crazy, it was fun. you were nervous about milo coming, knowing he didn't believe in ghosts, and from previous experiences in videos. you were scared about him disrespecting whatever was in the hotel.

you just hoped he'd be respectful, because this kind of stuff hit you hard. you've had tons of paranormal experiences ever since you were a kid.

you yawned, keeping your eyes on the road.

suddenly the car was lit up, you glanced down to your phone that was sitting in the cup holder. you had an instagram notification from tara, one of your youtuber mutuals.

you wouldn't exactly consider her a close friend, but you've gone to tons of partys with her. because of tara, you had met jake who was friends with sam and colby.

you actually really liked tara and jake, they were cool and really nice. you slowed the car down, pulling onto the side of the road to look at the notification.

she had messaged you a longish message.

tarayummy: hey girl, just wanted to ask if you knew that jake and the guys are going to the stanley tomorrow? i saw your tweet about going and wanted to warn you

y/nslittleworld: oh shit what? did they say that publicly? i had no idea they'd be there

you began to panic, you were clueless about the guys coming to the stanley hotel. what if they think you copied them?

tarayummy: no they haven't told their fans yet, jake saw your tweet and told them about you being there, so i thought it was fair i did the same

y/nslittleworld: thanks for the heads up! i'm about to start driving so i'll talk to you later :)

tarayummy: okok, have a good trip

about 4 hours later, you had to quit. your eyes watering from how bad you needed to sleep. you gave finn a nudge, and pulled over.

thankfully he was happy to help, and told you to rest while he drove. you were out like a light in seconds.

you woke up much later than you thought, it being around 7 in the morning. you stretched out, eyes opening to the bright sunlight hitting the car. yawning, you turned to finn, who was slumped into an uncomfortable position, driving the car.

"hey." you smiled, rubbing your eyes. "need me to take over? i didn't mean to sleep that long." you chuckle.

"no it's okay, i've got this." he said back, taking a sip of his monster.

"okay well, don't be too stubborn, let me know when you need to switch again."

he nodded.

"where are we?" vera asks, her voice raspy from waking up. with her arms over her head, she stretched, and cracked her back.

finn yawns. "close to colorado, we're in utah right now. about an hour till we're in colo, but 6 i think until we get to our hotel."

she groans. "we're so far away." "guys i have an announcement." you say, frowning. "sam and colby.. they're filming at the stanley today too."

"sam and colby?!" vera peeks up. "okay, okay i know this is bad for you but oh my god we're going to meet sam and colby." you and finn looked to her with confused faces.

"since when were you 9 years old." you say, rolling your eyes at her fangirling. this was your borderline competition, she can't be excited about the enemy.

"for real." finn adds, continuing to drive.

hours later, you four realized you were an hour behind schedule so you just decided to check into the stanley hotel early. you had room 217 and 401 reserved, luckily.

you wondered where sam and colby were staying.

you carried two bags into the main room you wanted to stay in, which was 217. "guys, hurry up." you rushed them, waiting for them to follow you.

finn nodded, grabbing his and veras bags, her and milo following close behind. "i'm excited." finn states.

"me too actually, last time it was crazy! i'm excited to see what happens." vera smiles to him.

"this camera equipment is so heavy." slowly one of the bags starts to fall from your grip.

"i got it." milo rushes to your side, grabbing the bag. he smirks, now hip to hip with you. you smiled back awkwardly.

you weren't the biggest fan of milo for multiple reasons. the way he treated vera, and what he does behind her back. like smirk, wink and touch your shoulder unwantedly. it made you uncomfortable everytime but you brushed it off as just his cocky flirty personality.

"this is our door!" you call out, setting the bag down temporarily to unlock the door with the key. milo pushes open the door, holding it open for you.

everyone shuffles in and puts their bags down onto the floor. "okay." you sigh, relieved.

"now what do we do?" vera asked, looking around before jumping on the bed. "woo!"

"i'm thinking change, and we go check out the bar, maybe get something to drink and eat?" you offer up earning nods from the group.

"yes please." finn moans at the thought of food.

as you four make your way downstairs, you start to hear loud male voices. you pause, holding your arm out so nobody comes down. you listen, hearing jakes voice.

"sam, colby, jake and corey are at the front desk." you whisper.

"be non chalant." milo shrugs, walking infront. you all follow him down the stairs, like he was a bodyguard.

you adjust your tank top, pulling it up, and uncreasing your baggy jeans.

immediately you see the four guys, standing and talking to the camera. jake notices you first, eyes widening before waving. his wave got the attention of the rest of the group and they turned to see you four walking to the bar.

the four guys were looking at your group.

you accidentally lock eyes with colby, before his trail down, clearly checking out you. eventually you're walking out of sight and his eyes follow you. "i can't believe she's here on the same day we are." he mumbles.

sam took a step away from the group, glancing towards the bar. there you were, giggling with your friends, sipping a drink. even though your fanbases rivaled, he was a huge fan of your channel, and loved your content.

"i know, it's crazy. what are the odds?" he chuckles, sending a polite smile your way when you notice him staring. 'odd' you think to yourself.

"what if we did a video with them." he suggested.

"dude that would be sick if we teamed up." jake agreed with the other.

colby stared at them with wide eyes, wondering what the fuck they were thinking. "guys, no fucking way." he said. "sam what has gotten into you. don't you remember that she hates us? and vice versa."

"she's not even that bad, all she did was block you on instagram." he shrugged.

"what did you do brother." corey shakes his head in disappointment.

"all i did was make a dumb joke last year, and she blocked me." colby shrugged, frustrated.

"that's such a half truth." jake called him out. "you literally made a sexist joke towards her and didn't apologize, and your fans sent her death threats and you didn't do anything about it."

sam and colby looked to eachother, not even knowing about the hate messages you were receiving because of them. "shit really?"

"there's no way you didn't know. her instagram dms, comments, youtube comments are full with hate from toxic fans." jake pushed.

"i really didn't know." sam said, putting his hands up, grimancing. "i should go over there and apologize." he began to walk towards the bar before colby grabbed and pulled him back by his arm.

"dude no, that's so embarrassing." he said, rubbing the back of his neck. "besides, she's being dramatic over a dumb, obvious joke i made." colby tried to explain what he thought was right. "i didn't do a single thing to upset her, it was a joke." he defended.

"what is up with you." sam shakes his head, not recognizing his best friend. he sounded like an asshole, and he couldn't figure out why.

while in reality, colby was just embarrassed for making such an ignorant joke... an ignorant joke to someone he actually looked up to. both sam and colby had been privately watching your videos, honestly getting inspired to make their own content.

"yo, are you guys good to check in? i might go say hi to y/n." jake said, ignoring colby's eyes.

"actually can i come too? i'd like to meet her, and apologize." sam asked.

"i feel left out, i want to meet her too." corey said.

"okay, we're going to y/n, you can come if you want i guess." jake says towards colby, before they began to walk away.

"yo, y/n!" jake called out, walking in your direction. you turned, just expecting jake, shocked to see corey and sam following behind him.

"hey jake!" you smiled, hopping off the barstool to hug him. "i've missed you, it's been awhile." you sayy, sitting back down, before hesitantly looking to the other guys.

finn looked up from his phone, seeing them surround your area. he made sure to keep an eye out for you while vera and milo were drinking a few chairs down.

"it really has." he sat down on the chair next to you. "this is uh sam and corey." he gestures towards them.

"oh hi, what's up." you sit their awkwardly, doing the so called white person face out of awkwardness.

"hey, i'm corey." he holds out his hand, you give it a little shake.

"good to meet you." you smile, sensing his chill personality. you are then met with sam, him standing there awkwardly, trying to figure out a way to apologize to you.

you being socially awkward and hating the silence, speak first. "it's uh cool to finally meet you." you nod, avoiding eye contact with him, not sure on how he's feeling about the situation.

"it's awesome to meet you too, i'm a fan of your content." he smiles, making you surprised and flustered, not expecting that.

"wow really?" you giggle. "i could say the same thing about your channel." you take notice of one boy missing and glance around. he notices your wandering eyes.

"colby's uh.." sam trailed off, looking to the check in desk, before realizing he wasn't there. he felt a hand on his shoulder and jumped back, before realizing said boy was right behind him. "right here i guess." he says, rubbing the back of his neck.

"we were just looking for you brother." corey says, grabbing his shoulder.

"i uh put the bags in the room, it's a pretty nice room actually." he says to his group, trying to not even look in the direction of you. you notice the behavior and spin the stool around, to talk to finn about exploring.

you hear the guys murmur, not exactly sure what they're saying until you hear a groan and a sigh.

"yeah i'm thinking we take a look around at the hotel right now while it's light out, and visit our other room." finn said, taking out a map of the hotel, since it's been awhile.

"i agree, sounds like a great idea." you nod.

"hey y/n." a voice says from behind you. you turn to see sam again. "would you be down to do a collab or something for atleast a part of both yours and our series?"

hesitantly, you pause, looking towards finn. "what do you think?" you give him a confused face, so he's aware you're not sure of the idea.

he also makes a face.

sam clears his throat. "it's totally okay if not, no pressure." he smiles.

you nod slowly. "i guess we could." you shrug, sipping more of your drink. "what do you have in mind?" out of the corner of your eye you see vera and milo make their way towards you, the latter glaring at the guys infront of you.

"what's going on here?" he asks, leaning on the bar.

"oh hey. this is sam." you introduce him, them shaking hands, milo's cleary very stiff. "he want's to do a collab with my channel."

he raises an eyebrow. "anyways, we're doing a seance later, so i thought maybe if you and your friends wanted to join it?”

you sigh. “i dont know, seances are very powerful and not to be disrespected. i would only agree if you guys were doing it properly, no jokes, no mocking.” you said seriously.

“i mean we can try our best, but when we’re scared we tend to joke a bit, im sure we could take it more seriously.”

“i.. i don’t know.”

“here well i’ll give you my number just incase you change your mind.” he smiles towards you. you nod your head, handing him your phone.

he gives it back and you slide it into your pocket. “hopefully i’ll see you later.” he looks proud of himself as he walks away to the guys. jake waves to you, before they’re out of eyesight, probably going to explore.

you blush slightly at his kindness. before finn nudges you with his elbow and raises his eyebrow.

“what was that about? why are you blushing.” he interrogates you, making you blush more.

“he’s cute.” you shrug, trying to lessen your large smile. “and he just exchanged numbers with me.”

everyone decides to finish their drinks before they go anywhere. you were pretty surprised and happy about the events of a few moments ago.

you had been trying to squash whatever was previously between you, sam and colby, so this was a good start. you were pretty flustered when vera and milo started asking about the blush on your cheeks.

sam on the other hand, when his friends, mainly jake questioned him about you, he was holding himself together, not showing any weakness. “what are you guys talking about.” he shakes his head at the claims of him liking you.

“that was so flirty of you brother.” corey points out, smirking at him.

“are you guys gonna bone.” jake jokes, making a weird voice.

“ew, dont say that.” “thats weird.” sam says, shaking his head once more.

“she is pretty hot.” colby comments, looking at her as he walks away.

“colbyyy.” corey calls out at him. “don’t be a weirdo, bro.”

sam huffed at his friends childish behaviour, but to be fair if the roles were switched he would probably tease them about it too.

if he was being honest, you were really cute, and he loved your personality. every video you’ve made, he’s watched and not just watched, enjoyed.

he’s wasn’t following you on any socials, but he always checked up on them every week or so. he was well aware of your fanbases rivalling, and he was obviously there when colby made the comment about you and he remembers in a video of yours when you said that you disliked the duo.

after hearing that and seeing you block colby, he assumed you wouldn’t want him following you either.

but after what jake said, he realized how shitty him and colby had been. he couldnt believe all the hate you were getting on twitter. when jake showed him, his mouth was wide open, shocked at how horrible their fans were being to you.

the worst hate comment he had gotten from this whole situation was a few of your fans saying you were better then him. and he was used to comments like that from the traphouses prank war.

he felt horrible, and wanted to apologize, but he felt weird doing it with everyone around him which is why he wanted to see you again, so he could say sorry in a private setting.

and he did have to admit, that he just wanted to talk and see you again too. he definitely had a crush on you, and has had one for atleast a year now.

your style, your personality it was just above and beyond what he was attracted to. one problem.. he could tell colby thought the same as him.

the boy would never admit this, but sam remembered one time a few months ago where he came over, and saw you on colby’s tv screen. he had been binging your channel on a thursday night.

it was clear he liked your videos, and content because a week after you uploaded a video, he copied the point of it and did his own verison.

sam encouraged him to apologize or talk to you but he was being too arrogant and full of himself. he didnt want to seem like he was in the wrong, even if he was. (which he knew he was)

“so you invited her to the seance?” colby asked, as they walked around outside.

“yeah, she said she’ll think about it.” sam replied.

“i hope she does, she seems cool, id like to get to know her.” corey said, genuinely liking your clothing style and hair. he thought it made you unique, and in the best way possible.

“her group is also going to explore soon so we might see them around.” sam added.

“great.” colby rolled his eyes.

“brother, if you just apologize, it’ll be fine. y/n is so forgiving. trust me, before i knew her i spilt my drink all over her outfit at a party. she was so cool about it.” jake said, trying to explain how chill you were.

“it’s not that easy.” he scoffed, frustrated at this dumb feud he caused between the two of you. but to be fair, he still thought you were too dramatic about it.

“whatever colby.” sam shrugged, before pulling out his camera and updating the viewers about the concert hall they were going to explore.

you, and the three others finished what you were doing at the bar, and headed back to your room to unpack a few items, mainly stuff to film with and use.

you had the spirit box in hand. you were really excited to use the estes method, because you hadn’t tried it before, and finding out it was invented here at the stanley was crazy.

finn grabbed the emf reader and walked with it around the room. it blinked to the first level before staying grey. “mm nothings showing up, we’ll definitely retry it later.” he says to the camera.

"the emf is one of my favourite devices, it'll either be neutral or just going off like fucking crazy." vera says, scrolling on her phone. "oh also y/n, you're trending on twitter." she says carelessly.

"what?!" you exclaim rushing over. trending on twitter was almost always a bad thing so you panicked as you pulled the phone from her.

you read the headline. "famous youtuber, y/n photographed in etes park, colorado by fan." "huh." you scroll under #y/n, and see a picture of yourself at a gas station you stopped at on the way.

"that's not creepy at all." finn murmurs.

"yeah like what the hell, the fan didn't even come say hi or ask for an actual picture." vera says, with a slightly disgusted face.

"maybe they were just nervous." you shrug. "thank god i'm not cancelled or something." you chuckle, anxiously.

"what would you even be cancelled for? being too nice?" milo gave a rhetorical question, making vera laugh.

"no really though, what would i get cancelled for." you thought aloud.

"definitely murdering someone." finn replied, before snickering. "you scare me when you're angry."

"heyy, i'm not that bad." you said, rolling your eyes.

"you threw a book at me when i didn't do the dishes!"

"it was your turn! you are supposed to do the dishes once a week! once! i do it five times a week! they were there for 2 fucking days!" you shout, jokingly frustrated.

"i forgot!" he defends, chuckling to the camera. "this is what i go through on a daily guys." he says for sympathy points to the viewers.

"should we start exploring?" you ask.

"hell yeah." vera grins, putting on a sweater.

"okay guys." finn hands the camera to you. "we are now going to the other room we reserved, room 401 and hopefully we'll hear children laughing."

it had been about thirty minutes, you holding the emf reader, slowly walking around the room and asking questions. vera was looking out the window, spotting the guys from earlier, milo was watching you with the emf, curious on how it worked, and finn was editing a video you had filmed a few days ago.

nothing had been happening, so everyone was just relaxing.

but suddenly, the emf reader went to orange, you dropped it out of fright, everyone looking at the device going off. "holy shit." you mutter.

"is there someone in this room with us?" finn asks, looking up from the laptop.

the emf went green, before boosting up to orange again.

milo's eyes widened. "woah."

"are you a child?" the question made the device turn off.

"are you a maid? or one of the-" it shot back to orange.

"this has never happened before." you say to the camera. "this has been the only time that the emf and the questions have been spot on."

it was about 30 minutes later, and you were leaving the room by yourself. everyone was a bit tired as well as bored, and decided to chill out. it was about 8 now, and you checked your phone as you were walking around the hotel.

you realized sam had messaged you a few minutes ago.

sam from the bar: "hey! just checking in. if you're free, us four are about to go into the concert hall if you and your friends want to join."

sam had been waiting for a reply, looking at his phone every few seconds, before sighing and putting it down. just as he was walking into the doors with colby, corey and jake, his phone vibrated. "guys wait!" he called out.

y/n: hey! i'm totally down :) the rest of the crew is napping in our second room rn so it would just be me, is that cool?

you didn't have to wait for a reply, him texting back immediately.

sam from the bar: yeah that's awesome, we'll wait for you outside the hall

you began your walk outside, quickly realizing you should've brought a sweater, the wind nipping at your exposed shoulders and neck. you saw them in the distance and waved.

sam took notice of you, and smiled at your gesture, before waving back. he saw you were still wearing the clothes from earlier, and realized how could you must be. in this moment he wished he would've worn a sweater he could give to you.

he saw a smirk on colbys face as you made your way over, and scoffed quietly.

"hey y/n!" you heard from sam. you quickly rushed over and you stood infront of him.

"hey sam!" you gave him a light side hug, before looking to the others. "so, are you guys ready to meet lucy?"

"no." corey fake cries.

as you begin to walk in, you trip up the stairs, colby snickering, before making a comment. "watch where you're walking princess." he rolls his eyes, stepping by you.

sam holds his hand out for you, helping you up before giving colby a face, as if to ask why he was still being a dick.

you tried to ignore him, and turned your flash on, looking around the concert hall. it was pitch black, and looked very creepy, everything neutral and dead looking colours.

colby and corey pointed out the mirror that had pictures taken in it, before a loud bang was heard. "what was that." jake turned to the area, before corey discovered a picture he took with a streak down the middle.

"that looks like a face almost." colby said.

"to me it just looks like something to do with the mirror, and the flash." you shrug, getting an annoyed face from the boy.

corey started taking more pictures, and a light turned off in the other room, getting colby's attention. everyone stood still, facing the room. "i have a horrible feeling about that room." he said.

in a few seconds everyone was running out of the building, from a picture that showed lucy peeking around a piece of furniture. sam looked at you before going back into that room with corey, trying to figure out what the shadow could have been.

you, colby and jake were sitting in the other room, jake distracted on his phone. you clearly caught colby checking you out, him watching you carefully.

"so where's your crew?" he asked, with a odd tone of voice.

"they are napping and relaxing in our room." you said, short and plain, avoiding eye contact with him.

"cool." he was mentally slapping himself. he had no idea how to start a conversation with someone, especially someone that he had offended. "are you dating that kid? the one with the dark brown hair?"

you raised an eyebrow. "that's not really your business, but no i'm not. he's my best friend. also his name's finn."

"he looks like a nerd." he points out, trying to joke, but only making you more uncomfortable. "that other guy though, looks like an asshole."

"he is. and that's milo." colby sees your face as you talk about him, making him curious. he watches as you shiver from the cold, and he sighs, taking off his sweater.

"you're so unprepared." he chucks his sweater in your direction, it hitting your eye. you wince, before scoffing.

"what the fuck." you mutter, rubbing it until the pain lessens.

"cmon princess, lighten up." he hums, finding amusement out of your annoyed face. he could tell you were getting more and more pissed off. "if you were smarter, maybe you would've worn a sweater."

"i'm not taking your dirty ass sweater." you throw it back at him, it practically slapping him.

he shrugs, seeing you shiver once more. "your loss."

as soon as corey and sam rush out of the back room, colby shuffles away from you, pretending to be on his phone.

"we need to leave." corey says, eyes watering. you all follow him outside, and look at the pictures he's been taking.

"jesus." you mutter.

sam stands right next to you, his arm touching yours. you visibly blush at the action, and take a small step away when colby starts watching you. "this is crazy." sam states, zooming into the picture.

"lucy is definitely calling you guys pussies." jake jokes, making you laugh.

corey refuses to go back in and eventually convinces the rest of the guys to go back to their hotel room. you agree, thanking them for inviting you.

as the others leave, sam stays behind a second. "you're really cool." he comments.

you gush at that, and giggle, trying to stop the red coming to your face. "thank you, you're cool too, i look forward to the seance, which i've decided to join."

sam grins. "awesome! we'll do it around 3am if thats okay with your guys."

"that's fine with them." you say, looking into his bright blue eyes. "you're a lot nicer than i thought."

"vice versa, you're so much more chill then i imagined."

"you imagined meeting me?" you say, jokingly pouting before laughing.

"i actually have, pretty big fan right here." he plays into the joke. it's silent for a few seconds, just the two of you looking at eachother.

sam tried to keep himself from looking at your body, finding it disrespectful since he just met you, but his eyes wandered slightly, the outfit you were wearing attracting him. the way it hugged your curves, it made him drool.

"you're really pretty." he huffs, slightly frustrated at how attractive you were.

you're absolutely stunned hearing that, your face clearly showing you were giddy. you knew both of you had been sharing little touches since you met, and been flirting very slightly but you didn't actually think anything would come from it.

"you are too, sam. you're pretty." you say back, making him smile.

"can i kiss your cheek?" he asks. your smile is unbearably large, it starting to hurt.

"yes, you may." right as you say that, he kisses your left cheek, his hand lightly hovering around your waist. his lips were on your face, so close to your own.

you were never one for kissing on a first date, so only just meeting this guy, talking to him a few times and letting him kiss your cheek was crazy.

you honestly wished he would've asked for a real kiss. you definitely would've said yes. his lips leave you, his breath hitting your neck. "i think-"

right as he began to talk, a loud shout came from a window on the top floor. "sam, hurry the fuck up!" colby yells, smirking. it was like he was watching for the correct moment, wanting to interrupt.

sam sighs, his head dipping. "i'm sorry, i have to go." he rubs the back of his neck anxiously.

"it's okay." you say, still smiley. "thank you for the kiss." you look back up at colby and you can see him still looking. you propped yourself up on your tippy toes and gave him a quick kiss, before walking into the hotel, him following slowly.

he didn't know why but he was obsessed with you, watching from the window. he couldn't take his eyes off of you. and when he saw you kissing his best friend, he felt irritated. (from his angle it looked like you were actually kissing sam)

he honestly felt like some kind of stalker. he sighed, from the window, shaking his head. you were making him crazy.

as you got back to your room, you saw your friends asleep. milo and vera were on either side of the bed, and finn was sleeping on a foot rest. you grimanced at that, and woke him up. "dude, that cannot be comfortable." you laugh quietly.

he groaned. "it's not. this sucks." he looks over to vera, sleeping peacefully.

"wanna go to the other room?" you ask, he nods.

both you and finn walk to the other room. you both moan once you lay on the bed. it was so uncomfortable after standing and walking around the entire time. "god this is the comfiest bed." you say, stretching your arms.

"i agree." "so how was the concert hall?"

you blush, remembering what happened. "sam kissed my cheek." you whisper, him getting up and looking at you.

"no way! really?" he smiles for you, happy that you're finally having a chance at a relationship.

"it was so.. ahhhh." you can't even finish talking, before you throw yourself into a pillow, screaming into it.

"also at 3am they want to do the seance." you said, letting him know. he nodded and continued to lay down.

you quickly both fell asleep, sleeping peacefully. however you slept a lot longer then you anticipated. when your first alarm went off, you were shocked.

you had set a 2am alarm, so you could be ready for 3.

you didn't think you were that tired to nap for a few hours. you threw the blanket off of you and quickly realized finn was sound asleep next to you. you rushed to turn off your alarm, and once you did you watched him snore for a few seconds.

glad that he was still asleep, you got up and dug through your duffle bag, looking for something else to wear. you quickly changed into black baggy jeans, and a white tee. you grabbed finns sweater and put it on as your teeth began to chatter.

you were annoyed at yourself for forgetting a sweater, something you wore almost everyday. bored of waiting for the time to pass, you decided to take a walk around the hotel again.

as you're walking down the stairs, you hear a few children laughing. you jolt to look behind you, seeing nothing there. maybe it was just your mind playing tricks on you.

continuing your stroll, you see the bar closed, a few benches scattered around second floor. about to go sit, you see colby walking in your direction. "hey princess. didn't expect to see you here." he has that smug smile still on his face.

you, not wanting to deal with his arrogance turn away from him, and go sit on the bench. he follows, sitting next to you. "what? am i disturbing your 'me time'."

"yes, actually you are." you snap at him. you hated when people purposely tried to push your buttons. "i'm not in the mood for whatever you're trying to do." you sigh.

"i'm not trying to do anything, i'm just talking." he shrugs, noticing your sweater. he remembers seeing finn wear that earlier at the bar. "are you sure you're not dating your friend." he pinchs at the hoodie.

you pull your arm back away from him. "i didn't bring a sweater and i'm freezing. i already told you we were just friends."

"so you're single?"

you pause, thinking. maybe if you said you were taken, he would leave you alone. "i didn't say that."

colby raised his eyebrow. "so you're telling me your in a relationship but kissing my best friend?"

closing your eyes, you scoff. "can you just leave me alone. i don't understand why you hate me, and like i said, i don't want to deal with your bullshit."

he stops, genuinely feeling a bit bad. "i don't hate you." he says lowly, looking around the lobby.

you turn to him. "sure." you scoff. "first you make an asshole comment towards me, basically bringing down everything i've worked for, making it seem like nothing, then you and sam let your fans attack me, now when i actually meet you, hoping to squash whatever this is, you're being an asshole to me." standing up to walk away, he pulls you back.

"i don't hate you." he reassures, holding a tight grasp onto your arm. he looks into your eyes, with such a sincere emotion on his face.

you shake your head. "then why are you such a dick?"

"because i'm an idiot. okay y/n? i'm a fucking idiot. your channel, you, are so inspiring, and i'm intimidated by you. the fact our subscribers are so close, and your fans are loyal to you, it intimidates me.

he grates his teeth together. "because i know that you're going to beat us, and that our fans are going to like you better. because you're such a genuinely cool person."

"i made a dumb joke, and didn't want to admit i was wrong..." he trails off. "so.." "so i'm sorry." he finally apologizes. your eyes are almost watering from how deep that apology was.

"and.. i think i like you." he adds, his hand moving from your arm, lower to your wrist.

your mind was running a thousand miles a second. not even a few minutes ago this guy was teasing you, and you hated him for it. now he was confessing that he was in the wrong, and likes you.

what were you going to do? there was sam, a kind, cute and gentle guy, taking his time to get to know you, and then there was colby. an edgy, incredibly attractive, deep but bold guy.

you were leaning towards sam, he has been kind to you since the beginning.

but quickly, you weren't left with a choice in the matter. colby put his hand on your back, and pulled you into him, his lips touching yours.

you were about to pull away, but something about the scenario made you stay. kissing him back, you couldn't help but be attracted to him. he was bold, and dominant. it was obvious from the way he was kissing you, completely overpowering your mouth.

eventually you get ahold of yourself, and push him back, hands staying on his chest. "colby.."

"shit i'm sorry y/n." he pulls away, turning his back to you. "fuck." he mutters. "i'm sorry, i don't know what came over me." suddenly the tension in the air pauses, as his phone rings. he reads the contact.

"sam." he mumbles, before answering.

you sit there, listening, feeling guilty. you had no commitment towards the other boy, but god did you feel bad, like you had cheated on a partner.

"hey colby, where are you?" his voice comes through the phone.

"i'm just in the lobby."

"why are you in the lobby?" he asks, confused.

"i was just taking a walk since i woke up early. i've been reading a magazine down here." he looks to you as he lies to sam.

"oh, okay. well it's about to be three, so i'm gonna message y/n and invite them over to do the seance." you panic, looking to colby before running upstairs, to hurry and get to your room. he frowned, watching you leave.

you got to your room, opening and closing the door quickly. finn sat awake on the bed. "where have you been?" he saw the panic in your eyes. "y/n are you okay?" he gets over to you and looks at your face.

"colby kissed me.. and i kissed him back." your breath got shallow, and it felt hard to breathe. your chest was going up and down frantically.

finn knew you had anxiety, and he had dealt with attacks like this before. he ushered you onto the bed, and held your hand. "hey y/n it's okay." he rubbed your back gently.

as you breathing got back to normal you gave finn a large hug. "what do i do."

"what you want." he answers. "you owe nothing to either of them so, plus why are you trying to make up your mind right now? you just met them, silly." he continues to rub your back.

"okay." you breath, before a knock at the door makes you jolt. you check your phone seeing two messages from sam.

sam from the bar: hey, we're going to set up the seance soon sam from the bar: i'm gonna come to your room if that's okay

finn decided to answer the door for you, only having it slightly open. he saw sam standing there awkwardly. "hey man." he greeted him. "we're just getting ready."

sam nods. "alright, i'll wait here for you guys."

finn shut the door, asking if you were okay, you nodded. he noticed his sweater was on you, before rolling his eyes. he got dressed, and called vera.

she said she would meet at sam's room in the next 15 minutes.

you said hi to sam as you opened the door, and he started to talk to you about what was going to happen during the seance. finn was right behind you, listening to his explanation.

you saw vera and milo standing outside their door, vera in her pajamas, while milo was wearing a tank top and cargo shorts.

they waved at you and finn, vera giving you a hug. "i'm so ready for this." she says, excitedly.

"i know right." finn adds, earning a smile from her. milo just shrugs, still tired.

you walk into their room, immediately seeing colby sitting on the bed looking at his phone. right as he sees you he puts it away and looks at you to see what you're thinking.

you take a deep breath and start chatting to corey and jake about how they were feeling towards the seance. you glanced towards colby, seeing him whisper to sam before he pulled him out of the room.

you tried to stay calm about it, hoping the situation was unrelated to you.

colby stood a few feet away from sam, taking a deep breath. "what's up?" he asked, seeing the other looking nervous.

"i have something to tell you.."

as they were chatting, you continued to talk about the seance, and you asked corey about the safety precautions they were taking. which were none other than being saged.

"i swear to god if a spirit follows me because you guys are being stupid." you shake your head at them.

everyone assembles on the floor, sitting in a circle. finn sits on one side of vera, while milo sits on the other. you grimace at finn, him shrugging, accepting it.

sam and colby re-enter the hotel room, both looking smug. you let out a sigh of relief, assuming since they were both in a good mood, that they didn't talk about what had happened.

sam takes a seat on your left, while colby, your right. you look to him, seeing a smirk across his lips. you couldn't help but stare, thinking he looked so attractive right then, a bead of sweat falling down his forehead.

sam had his normal gentle smile on his face. "alright, are you guys ready?" he asked, looking to everyone around the circle, before leaning to spill the salt in a circle between the group.

you did honor of lighting a few candles, flicking the lighter. corey began to get really freaked out hearing little noises, feeling things, and noticing the candies moving.

"i have a really bad feeling." he was being really defensive, about doing the seance, refusing because he was thinking about what the physic said.

because of that, he decided to sit out, leaning on the window seat. you all began to hold hands.

sam reached his hand out to you, you taking it. it was soft but he was definitely nervous, the light layer of sweat giving him away. you then gave your other hand to colby, he took it quickly.

his hand was freezing, and more calloused.

you flinched at a sudden noise coming from the closet. corey stood up in awe, shouting. "what was that." "in the closet!" he stood up pointing. "dude! can we stop?"

"i think whenever we hear things it means we should keep going." jake comments, shuffling closer.

"exactly, what's the point of the video if we stop the most important part?" you say, looking into your camera placed next to you.

"yeah we're literally saying lets do this, then-." sam is quickly cut off by corey.

"i hate this crap." he goes to sit on the bed, and watches. sams hand rejoins yours, and everyone closes their eyes for a few seconds, preparing themselves.

sam says a few things, talking to the spirits, telling them they can't harm any of us, while noises in the room pick up. weird knocks from the closet and bangs on the roof.

he encouraged corey to open the door, before he sat back down again.

colby sighed, trying to get him to join the seance, his hand up to gesture with.

he placed it back down, but on your upper thigh, before giving it a squeeze. you lightly gasped at that, everyone too busy to notice. you shot him a glare, only making grip harder.

shaking your head, you noticed corey sitting next to him now. you took the hint to grab the boys hands again.

sam kept speaking, leading the seance, asking about their experiences so far in the night, and acknowledging their room was haunted by a cowboy.

colby spoke up. "you moved the lolipops, we heard you earlier while we were relaxing, it's not time to play games anymore, use our energy, show us you're here."

a candle's light blinked, spooking the boys, followed by more noises coming from the closet. you shivered, sensing something around you.

corey got scared, standing up, followed by colby. "i'm out." he said, hands up.

you gave him a look. "literally why." you rolled your eyes, earning an annoyed face from him.

jake agreed with you, wondering why they would quit after hearing what they wanted.

sam sat his hand on your lower thigh before moving it to your back, reassuring you in this situation. he knew you weren't scared, you were fearless, but he felt he should comfort you regardless.

eventually everyone sat back down again, vera this time quitting, going on her phone in the corner. finn following short after, taking this as a chance to talk to her one on one since they got here.

you close your eyes as noises began to happen again, and right as it's getting good, you get pulled back by sam, grabbing your arm. everyone but jake is rushing to the corners of the room, away from the closet.

corey rushed out of the room, leaving everyone behind. you ripped away from sams grasp, not wanting to follow. he sighed, before telling you he'd be back.

you walked to finn and vera, milo behind you. "this is crazy." he comments, looking out the window to see the guys filming.

"i understand being scared but genuinely what's the point of committing to a seance then disrespecting the spirits willing to talk?" you say, sighing, leaning on vera.

"i'm tired." you yawn, realizing the lack of sleep you've been getting. "to be honest i might go back to our main room."

vera, for once during the trip agrees with you, asking if she can come along. you notice how she avoids milo, even as he's asking her to come to the other room.

finn notices as well. he waits back a few minutes as both of you leave, wanting to talk to his brother.

you glance at vera. she looked upset. "you okay vee?" when she looks up at you, it's obvious she had been crying. "oh my god, are you okay." you grab her face gently.

"no." she begins to sob, pulling you in for a hug. "i'm so stupid y/n.. so stupid to think he would want me for something other than sex."

you comfort her on your way to the room, asking her what happened. "he's been talking to a girl he met in the lobby all day." she pouts. "he told me that he might go have sex with her.. not even 10 minutes ago." you hug her tightly.

"vera, it's okay. he's just a douchebag to not realize what was right infront of him."

"nobody is gonna love me the way i want to be loved." she pours out. you think for a minute, finn..

"vera.. i believe in soulmates okay? and i know you have one for a fact. don't get too upset over milo. we tried to warn you about his behavior, i'm sorry."

"it's okay. i was too blinded by his handsome face." she sighs, wiping her eyes. you feel a vibration in your pocket, pulling out your phone.

you see both a message from colby, and sam. you put it away, focusing on vera. "you'll get over him girl, look at you! you're so gorgeous, and funny, there's someone that will treat you like a princess."

you hear a knock at the door. "hey, it's uh finn." you look to vera, and she nods.

opening the door, you see finn with a already turning black eye. his left eye looked like something out of an action movie. "holy shit!" you shout, before covering your mouth, aware of the noise complaint you've already gotten.

"holy fuck." you whisper. "what happened?"

he shakes his head. "did something i should've done awhile ago. i punched milo." he says proudly, vera poking her head up. she rushes to him, wiping the slight blood away from his face. "andd.. he punched me back."

"jesus." vera exhales. "now why'd you have to go and do that?" finn looks to you, and gestures to your phone. you check the notifications from sam and colby, asking where you had gone.

"ohh." you said, getting the hint to leave. you smirk at him, pulling out a finger gun or two before leaving.

right as you step into the hall, there are the boys. sam notices you immediately, asking what happened. "just a little tussle between brothers over a girl, nothing much." you say. "how's corey? still being a puss?" colby snickers.

"yeah, but we atleast got him back into the room, so he's chilling out now."

you three stand in awkward silence, taking notice of how they look at you. you clear your throat before speaking. "i'm really tired." a yawn slips its way out of your mouth.

"us too. corey's already sleeping, snoring like a madman." sam says, making you giggle.

"it's so loud." colby rolls his eyes.

"i get that, finn snores sometimes. i can usually hear it from the other room in our apartment, boy does it piss me off." you relate to them, before they walk you to your room.

you open the door, looking in to see if milo was around. your eyes widen, seeing his luggage gone. "milo must've called a cab." you say, turning to them.

they both look at you with smug looks, like they had been for most of the night. "if you guys want, you can sleep in here to avoid the snoring." you offer. "but i'm going to fucking bed."

you walk into the bathroom, changing into some pajamas. by pajamas, you mean almost no clothing at all because you get too dang hot.

as you're freshening up you hear a few whispers. "we don't even know if she'd be into that." sam said lowly.

you yawn loudly, coming out of the bathroom.

the way their eyes watched your body.. it drove you crazy. you quickly took notice of their lack of clothes, while in your bed. very bold of them to think you'd let them sleep with you. it was a queen bed but is that really enough for three strangers.

"you guys are surely making yourselves comfortable." you point out, seeing the only space for you was in the middle of them.

sam rubs the back of his neck, apologizing anxiously. "sorry, we can sleep on the couch or something." colby rolls his eyes at his friends behaviour.

"it's okay, as long as you too don't make me sweaty i'll be fine." they look to eachother at that.

jumping into the bed, you get under the covers between them. because you were nervous about the situation, you laid stomach down, face into your pillow.

you would never get tired of this amazing bed, god was it comfortable. and having two attractive, shirtless guys on either side of you made it even better.

you felt the bed dip as they came closer, colby touching you first, his finger trailing along your side. "i like this outfit." he mumbles close to your ear, making you melt.

the feeling of his hand caressing you was something out of a movie or book. it started from your arm, down to your waistline, his finger rubbing light circles between your waist and shorts.

"it's pretty." sam comments. you giggled, clearly seeing how different both of them are. to you, it seemed like colby was teasing you and trying to turn you on, while sam was making you feel like the most important girl in the world. and woah the combination of it made you flustered.

"thanks." you say into the pillow, making colby chuckle. his hand slowly going to your ass, you breathed shakily as it happened, but let him.

and in seconds, he was taking a handful and squishing it, massaging it, whatever you want to call it. he was obsessed with your ass. you propped yourself up slightly, turning onto your back just to frustrate him.

you watched his eyes flicker as he couldn't touch that part of you anymore. your lips were slightly stuck out, pouty almost at the heat you were feeling. "fuck y/n, you're so hot." he blurted out, not regretting it.

you looked to sam, trying to tell his reaction with how dark it was. you couldn't decipher what was happening, and if both of them were coming onto you. it seemed like they both talked about it before hand, and now just needed your permission.

you locked eyes with colby, his hand coming to your neck, and lighting hovering over it.

gulping, you lean back a bit, hesitant. he notices, and goes back to touching your side. "he's right. y/n you're the most gorgeous girl on this planet."

colby didn't like sharing your attention, pulling your face to look at him gently. his eyes flickered to your lips, and you nodded.

his hand slid behind your head, holding you in place as his tongue explored your lips. you kissed back, feeling how passionate he was. his body moving in a rhythm. as he pulled away slowly, he looked at you hungrily.

sam took this as an opportunity. "can i kiss your neck, y/n?" he asked, you nodding frantically. the way you felt right now, it was almost unbearable.

he started kissing your neck area, sucking and biting at your skin. you hoped he didn't leave any marks.. but secretly you craved it, thinking about the way you would show off their lovebites.

you felt colby's mouth on you now too, licking down your stomach till your shorts. he lightly tugged at them, making you move to where he could pull them straight off.

he lightly trailed his hand around your thigh, getting closer and closer to where you wanted him. he moved, getting inbetween your legs, and licking up your thigh.

you let out a raspy moan at the combination of sam's mouth on your neck, and colby's tongue getting closer. once he heard you moan, he came back up to kiss you again.

"you sound pretty needy, princess." he comments, both of them taking back their touches, making you open your eyes.

you look to both of them, colby clearly confident in his teasing. "fuck i want to kill you." you groan, shaking your head as he chuckles.

[bigproblemsfunnylife]

MAIN 6 x GN! MC: First kisses

Title: Headcanons

Characters: Asra Alnazar, Nadia Satrinava, Julian Devorak, Muriel, Portia Devorak, Lucio.

CW: Can contain uncertainty, nervousness, or hesitation. Fluff and consensual.

ASRA:

You never expect anything with Asra to follow a traditional path—not a conversation, not a spell, and certainly not a kiss.

The day it happens, the world smells like saltwater and incense. You’ve both spent hours by the sea, your feet dangling off the old wooden dock as the sun dips lower. The sky’s a painting of indigos and orange flames, and Asra’s beside you, one hand lazily drawing arcane sigils in the air with a fingertip glowing faintly violet. They’ve told you before that magic responds to emotion, but you didn’t realize how intimately until today—when every time they glance your way, the glyphs pulse brighter.

You’re talking about silly things, the kind of drifting conversations that start nowhere and end up deep in emotion before you even realize it. There’s laughter in your voice and a secret in your heart. You’ve been holding it there—your affection for Asra—nurturing it like a flame. But you don’t know if they feel it too. With Asra, you never quite know. They are equal parts close and distant, a mystery written in watercolor.

But then—

“Can I tell you a secret?” they ask, head tilted, eyes alight like they’re catching stars.

You nod.

“I’ve been thinking about kissing you for… a while now. But I didn’t want to rush something beautiful.”

Your breath catches in your throat. They’re so close. That violet glow illuminates their curls, softens their features, outlines their lips.

Asra leans in slowly, giving you time, space, room to back away—though their eyes betray a hunger that’s anything but patient.

You don’t back away.

Their lips brush yours like a spell cast in reverence. Featherlight. Testing. Curious. Then, again—deeper this time, more sure. You feel magic rise in the air around you like a heartbeat, charged and full of wonder.

Asra pulls back just enough to rest their forehead against yours. Their voice is the softest sigh:

“You feel like home.”

JULIAN:

Julian talks. A lot. It’s part of his charm and also part of what drives you mad. You love it, mostly. The dramatic flair, the endless tangents, the wild stories with half-truths and three-quarter winks. But tonight, he’s quiet.

You’re both walking home through the rain—typical Vesuvia, dramatic as ever. Julian had insisted on giving you his coat, which you’d stubbornly declined, but he draped it around you anyway. His long legs take big strides, but he’s slowed his pace so you can walk together, shoulders brushing.

There’s something electric in the air that’s not thunder.

He hasn’t looked at you in a few minutes. Which is rare. Usually he can’t stop sneaking glances. You wonder if he’s nervous. Or maybe you are.

Finally, outside your door, the rain pattering gently against stone, you turn to him. He stands awkwardly in front of you, hat soaked, hair curling with dampness, looking like a disheveled poet who forgot what sonnet he was reciting

You say, “Ilya?”

He breathes a sharp laugh, shaky and fast. “You’re going to think I’m being ridiculous. Again.”

“I already think that daily,” you tease, stepping closer.

Julian’s grin wavers. “Then this won’t surprise you—I’ve been rehearsing how to kiss you for a week straight. But now that I’m here, I—my gods, I can’t remember a single one of the lines.”

You raise your eyebrows. “You wrote lines?”

“Of course I did! It was supposed to be romantic.”

“It still is,” you whisper. And then, because he’s still hesitating, you tilt up and press your lips to his.

Julian freezes for half a second—then melts like sugar in the rain. His hands find your waist. His mouth is warm, a little unsure, but honest. It’s not perfect—your noses bump a little, and he almost laughs into it—but it’s real.

He pulls back with a dazed smile, brushing a wet curl out of your face. “So much for rehearsals.”

You kiss him again before he can start monologuing.

NADIA:

The ballroom is empty—save for the soft glow of lanterns casting long shadows on polished marble floors. Most guests have retired to their chambers, leaving the grandeur of the palace wrapped in a hushed, almost reverent silence.

You find yourself here with Nadia, who usually wears her composure like armor, but this evening, something in her eyes is different—warmer, more open, vulnerable.

She takes your hand, delicate and sure, and guides you to the center of the room. “Dance with me?” she asks, voice low, almost shy.

Your heart skips. You nod.

As you move together in the slow rhythm of a waltz, you notice how her eyes never leave yours. Each step, each turn, feels like an unspoken conversation—words exchanged in the language of glances and subtle touches.

The music fades into the background; all you feel is her hand resting lightly on your waist, the way her fingers curl gently into your palm.

When the dance ends, she doesn’t pull away. Instead, she stays close, the space between you charged with a tension that’s both exciting and terrifying.

“Nadia…” you begin, your voice barely above a whisper.

She lifts her chin, searching your face as if asking for permission.

Without another word, she leans in, her lips meeting yours with a softness that takes your breath away.

It’s a kiss filled with all the restraint she’s held back until now—careful, deliberate, yet bursting with the emotions she’s struggled to contain.

Your hands cup her face, encouraging her, deepening the kiss until it’s no longer tentative but full of promise.

When you finally break apart, her cheeks are flushed, and she smiles—a genuine, radiant smile that lights up the entire room.

MURIEL:

You’re in the woods. Of course you are. It’s quiet except for the wind in the trees and the occasional call of a distant bird. Muriel is stacking firewood, his movements sure and practiced. You’re pretending to help, but mostly you’re just watching him.

He notices. Muriel always notices more than he admits.

Eventually, you both sit near the firepit. There’s a rabbit stew simmering slowly, and the smell is comforting. You talk about little things. How the wolves came closer this week. What mushrooms are safe. But every once in a while, your eyes meet and hold a little too long.

Muriel shifts beside you. Then again. Then, finally, he says it:

“I’ve never kissed anyone before.”

It’s not an apology, but it is a warning. You swallow thickly.

“I haven’t kissed you yet either,” you say gently.

His shoulders tense. You see the conflict in his eyes. The fear. Not of you—but of what this means. What it could change.

But still—he turns. Slowly. He looks at you like you’re some sacred thing he doesn’t want to break.

“If I… if I do, it’ll be because I want to. Not because you expect it.”

“I know,” you whisper. “I’d wait as long as you need.”

A long pause. Then—he leans forward. Barely. Tentatively. And stops.

“Can I?” he asks.

You nod.

His kiss is soft. Hesitant. But there’s strength in it too, like the way he holds things so gently despite his size. You kiss him back, and he shudders—like he’s just allowed himself to breathe for the first time in days.

When he pulls away, he looks like he might cry.

You rest your forehead against his and whisper, “You’re safe with me.”

PORTIA:

Portia kisses you like it’s a dare she’s finally decided to take.

The two of you are baking in her tiny kitchen, flour smudged on your cheeks, laughter echoing off the tile. The sun’s pouring through the window and turning everything golden.

You’re reaching over her for the cinnamon when she suddenly stops you with a hand on your chest.

“Wait,” she says, eyes locked on yours, her breath short.

You freeze.

“What is it?”

“I’m gonna do something,” she says, almost breathless, like she’s afraid she’ll back out if she doesn’t speak fast.

And then—without another word—she kisses you.

It’s impulsive, bright, quick like a matchstrike. Then another. And another. Her hands go to your face, flour-dusted fingers brushing your skin. She tastes like sugar and mischief.

When she finally stops (and you’re both laughing, giddy and stunned), she whispers:

“I’ve wanted to do that since you first made me laugh so hard I snorted.”

You kiss her again, and she hums happily against your mouth.

“You’re stuck with me now, cinnamon roll.”

LUCIO:

Lucio is a tempest wrapped in silk and smoke. He’s the kind of man who fills a room with his presence the second he steps in, and you’ve always been drawn to that reckless fire in his eyes. But tonight—tonight is different.

You meet in the grand library of the castle. The chandeliers cast flickering shadows on shelves that climb to the ceiling, heavy with books. Lucio is perched on the edge of a chaise lounge, a rare softness behind his usual devilish mirk. His golden eyes find yours and hold you captive.

“I never thought I’d want to get lost in someone’s eyes,” he murmurs, not cheeky — for once his voice was low and rough like velvet.

You blink, heart thudding like a wild drum. “Is that your way of saying you like me?”

He chuckles darkly. “Something like that.”

The air thickens between you as he slowly rises, the silk of his shirt whispering with his movements. He closes the space, hands trailing over the spine of a nearby book before resting on your waist, steady and sure.

Lucio leans in, his breath warm against your cheek, and you catch the faint scent of tobacco and wildflowers. You think your heart might stop.

Then—his lips brush yours.

It’s not a kiss that demands or commands; it’s an exploration, soft and questioning, like a thief testing the locks on a treasure chest. Your fingers find his shirt, clutching lightly as the kiss deepens, heat blooming through you.

Lucio’s hands move, tracing your back as if memorizing every curve, every line. His kiss grows bolder—less a question and more a declaration.

When he finally pulls back, his forehead rests against yours, eyes closed in rare vulnerability.

You smile, breathless, and kiss him again—this time on your terms.

[maddiesentmehere118]

A Stranger's Jacket: Part 3

Evan "Buck" Buckley x plus size! reader

Word Count: 2.4k

Warnings: nightmare, recalling trauma, slight angst, slight comfort, mentions of blood, MDNI 18+

Authors notes: I chose to make the images pixel-y and blurred, for a nightmare effect!

Masterlist | Taglist

“There, we can iron out the details tonight.”

You’d be lying if you said that statement wasn’t looping in your mind all day, invading your every thought. Earlier, you had to take a walk to get enough focus to get ahead on lectures, knowing you’d be occupied Wednesday. 

But still, you’d been driving yourself a little insane.

A new TV series played in the background as you were creating the tomato sauce for your rigatoni, the smell of garlic and tomato filling the kitchen. 

Then your phone pinged. You glance over. Butterflies. Not just from seeing his name, but from what he had set his contact name to.

You set the knife down, wiped your hands on your shorts and quickly turned down the heat. You didn’t want to burn the sauce. Or the apartment. Though seeing a certain, blonde fireman again wouldn’t be the worst thing. 

You unlock your phone, leaning against the counter as you shift your weight against the surface. You’re ecstatic, that same bubbly feeling filling your chest as when you left the fire station earlier. 

Hey, it’s Buck. Just got off work, thought I’d text you to finalize our plans. 

You: Hey, hope your shift was okay! Also, real smooth contact name, Granola Guy 🚒

Buck: It was good, surprisingly slow today. But I’m glad you like it, Short Latte ☕

You: Wow, so now you’re calling me short?

Buck: I never said it was bad 😉 Now back to these plans. What time on Wednesday? Do you like Mexican?

You: I teach from 10-11 then I’m free all day. And I do like Mexican. Lunch or dinner?

Buck: How about dinner at 6? Gives you time to unwind. I’ll pick you up.

You: Sounds perfect. See you soon, Buck. 

Buck: Have a good rest of your night, y/n. 

With a press of the spacebar, you pause your show, suddenly unable to focus on it at all. 

Instead, you grab your phone again to text your friends: I have plans with the hot firefighter who treated me last Monday. What do I wear?

Could you even call it a date? Buck never said it was a date, but it was toeing the line between casual drinks and something more. 

Once you finished your pasta sauce and combined it with the noodles, you settled onto the couch, curling your legs underneath you. You turned on the local news, as you made it a habit to begin and end your day with the news once you started graduate school. And although it was only 7, you were exhausted. 

Your therapist eassured you that needing more sleep was normal- that it was your body’s way of adjusting to the trauma, processing everything it’d been through. He’d recommended switching to a multivitamin with Omega-3s and implementing ashwagandha to your diet to help lower stress hormones, but it would take a few weeks to feel any real difference.

You just wanted to feel normal again.

9:13 PM

You jerk awake. Gasping. 

Dr. Daniels- dead. Blood. Too much. 

The shooter. A gunshot. You felt it. Dead.

The TV is still playing. Lights illuminate the apartment. You’re home. Safe. 

But you don’t feel safe. 

Terror sets in, wrapping around you like a vice, squeezing tightly and showing no signs of letting go.

Hands trembling, you reach for your phone on the floor. Tears fall before you can stop them, and your throat feels tight. Your neck hurts from the position you slept in, but fear drowns that out.

There was no way you were falling back asleep. What now? 

Call your best friend to go on a night drive? 

Take a hot shower, distract yourself by coloring? 

Book an emergency therapy session?

It was your first nightmare since the shooting. You had managed to avoid having any nightmares of the event through a strict sleep routine. Cut down on caffeine after 5. Exercise at least half an hour a day. Shower and drink ashwagandha tea before bed. Keep a small light on incase you woke up in the middle of the night to provide a sense of calm and safety- especially since the majority of the trauma you experienced was in a dark office.

You can’t keep this to yourself. It wasn’t fair to call a friend. Text a therapist? Maybe. But you don’t want logical explanations, you need comfort. Someone who could understand you. Who had been through his own share of trauma. Buck

You felt weak and a bit stupid for even considering it, but with the slight twitch in your fingers as you entered your pin, you knew that those feelings were insignificant in the grand scheme of things. You needed to ease your mind, and worrying about your ego was not going to help achieve that. 

y/n: Hey, not to bother you, but I just had a nightmare and I’m really shaken up. Could I possibly tell you about it? 

y/n: If not, that’s okay. I’ll book a 24/7 therapy session. you're probably exhausted. Forget I sent this. 

You’re already navigating to the therapy app when your phone rings. You jump, startled by the sound, your breath catching in your throat. Your heartbeat picks up again, but this time, for a different reason. Your fingers are still shaky as you answer and put him on speaker. 

“Hello?”

The voice that meets yours is warm, full of concern.

“Hey. y/n, are you okay?”

There is a long silence, tears welling up in your eyes. You try to speak, but the moment you open your mouth, you know you’re going to cry. Especially since your lip is already quivering at the sound of his voice. 

And you can’t tell if it is from, fear, relief,, or something in between. 

“No.” 

The confidence you had earlier in the day is gone. You feel small as your lip trembles. Your breath comes out in shallow bursts. 

He doesn’t rush you, but instead listens. 

“How about this- I’ll tell you about my day first” Buck soothes you. “Then, if you want, we can talk about your nightmare. No pressure.”

You nod despite him not being able to see you. 

“Yes.”

You grab the remote to turn the TV down so you can focus on Buck as he talks. You can tell he is trying his best to stay lighthearted, but that underlying concern is still present. 

“We got some routine calls, nothing too fancy. I think the most exciting call we got today was extracting a snake from the AC vents of a woman’s car. Chimney was in charge of keeping her calm because he’s also terrified of snakes. She kept exclaiming that she was going to sell the car and get a new one after the snake was out.”

“Oh no. I don’t blame them. I hate snakes too.”

“Good to know. If we see one while we’re out Wednesday, I’ll protect you.”

He pauses and you can practically feel his smile through the phone. 

You don’t feel as scared as you did. As alone. 

 “I-I couldn’t move, Buck. I heard Dr. Daniels outside of the room and when I opened the door, he was there, but there was more blood, way more. I went to help him inside, but he turned the corner. He shot him again. I watched and couldn’t do anything to help Dr. Daniels. I tried to go back into the office but I froze. Then I woke up. He shot me Buck, and I know he did because you can’t watch yourself die in your sleep.”

“That sounds awful and I’m really sorry you had to go through that, y/n. Do you want to talk about it? It’s okay if you don’t, but maybe it’ll help to get it off your chest.”

“I just don’t know if I can go back to sleep after that. It’s the first time I had a real nightmare about it. The officers didn’t get there, Hen and Eddie didn’t save Dr. Daniels. I couldn’t save Dr. Daniels. And you didn’t find me because I was dead.”

“I can’t imagine how real that must have felt. But you did save Dr. Daniels. You survived. And I did find you.”

“What if it happens again and I freeze?”

“If it happens again, which is highly unlikely, I believe that you’ll act as quickly as you did with Dr. Daniels. You’re strong, brave, and extremely selfless for putting yourself in potential danger to save him, y/n.”

There is a long pause. You feel the tears coming on again, and this time you let out a small cry. You had heard repeatedly from everyone that you saved Dr. Daniels, but you minimized it to avoid acknowledging the reality of the situation. Even in therapy, you’re not sure that you have fully come to terms with what really happened that day.  

“Hey, do you want me to come over? We don’t have to talk about it. I can bring ice cream and we can watch a movie, play a game, or I can just be there. Whatever you need.”

“Yes please.” you manage to say softly. It takes you a few deep breaths before you’re able to give him your address. You can hear the faint typing on his phone, likely plugging in your address to his navigation app. 

“I’ll be there soon. I’ll text you when I get there, okay?”

“Okay.”

When you say your goodbyes and hang up, you have to take a breather. Your chest is heaving with each deep breath you try to take, but it ends up being repeated shallow breaths that hitch in your throat. 

Buck is a saint sent from above, you think to yourself. 

Once you feel like you have gained some composure, you stand up to head over to your room- which is just your bed, nightstand, and dresser on the opposite side of the living room because you live in a studio apartment. You pull out a pair of sleep shorts and a matching tank top before heading into the bathroom. 

The shower feels nice as you step under it, hitting your chest and running down your body. Water has always been grounding for you. When you had first started college, the new workload and routine had affected you majorly. You were taking more showers than normal and realized that the feeling and sounds of running water was soothing to you. 

You skip washing your hair as you had just washed earlier in the day. But you lather up your loofah with the lavender night time body wash you purchased after the shooting. It may have been a bit more than what you normally spend on body wash, but it really seemed to help relax you. Or it helped create a placebo effect of relaxation. 

You dry off and put on the clothes you picked out, skipping underwear but switching to a simple sports bra and abandoning the one you previously had on. 

You don’t know how long you’ve been sitting on the edge of your bed, staring off into space. Your mind is numb as you try not to think about anything. If you focus on the nightmare too much, you may not be able to leave your apartment. 

Your phone pinging from the other room disturbs you from your thoughts. You don’t jump this time, taking it as a small win. You view the text that lets you know that Buck is in the lobby and needs to be let up. 

You grab your keeps, slipping on your flamingo slippers. You check the peephole- empty. You know the building is secure. But still, you clutch the sharp tool on your keychain as you unlock the door. 

The ride down the six flights feels longer than normal, reminding you how slow time feels when you’re anxious. You’re relieved when you see him waiting for you. He has a grocery bag in one hand and a duffel bag slung over his shoulder. 

You feel eyes following you. Are they admiring him? Judging you? When someone like Buck is seen with someone like you.. No, that doesn’t matter. He’s not judging you, so why judge yourself?

“Hi.” 

It’s a simple word and probably the best you can give him right now, especially in front of all the strangers hanging out in the lobby. He smiles, giving you a soft hey before he pulls you in for a hug. 

You’re body tenses at first, but relax quickly as his arms wrap around you, his warmth melting away any lingering fear. You hug him back, arms fitting around his torso.. 

He smells so good; fresh, clean, crisp. He could easily rival and beat the smell of the body wash you’ve been using to relax. 

It reminds you of an ocean breeze. You didn’t grow up near beaches or California itself, but you have grown to love going on beach walks, feeling the warm sand on your toes. You hadn’t been to the beach in a while, not since school started in August. You tend to go on more woodsy nature walks during the fall. Maybe you two could go on a nature walk soon. You smiled at the potential plan. 

He pulls back, flashing that golden retriever grin of his as he looks down at you. 

“I bought vanilla and some caramel sauce. Thought it’d be a safe option, since I didn’t ask what kind of ice cream you like...”

You stare back up at him, a small smile tugging at the corner of your mouth. You may still feel anxious, but at least you had someone as considerate as Buck to keep you company. “Good choice, Buckley.”

He laughs and it's easy,familiar- like you’ve known it for years. His arm settles around your shoulders, pulling you into his side. The tension in your chest loosens, feeling like you can finally breathe again.  He’s warm, just like his personality. His voice steady, grounding. He drowns out the negativity in your head.

“That’s what I like to hear. Now let’s go eat this, shall we?”

[bitchinbarzal]

LULU’S MONTH OF

LOVE 💌

it's the month of love!

this prompt list has the same rules as normal, if you're not familiar please recap below;

when requesting please send in the full prompt and not just the number. this makes it easier for me, the writer. if you don't do this and just send the number your request will be deleted no questions asked.

you can find my list of who I write for here or you can send in for AU’s 💌 👼🏼

1. "I used to hate this holiday a much before I met you"

2. cheesy valentines proposal

3. "I knew these were your favorite flowers, so I had to get them for you"

4. "I don't need anything material, I just want a whole day to have you by my side and celebrate our love"

5. "really can't think of anything more romantic than officially dating my favorite person on this day"

6. "She's my tiny valentines!"

7. "He's my tiny valentines!"

8. "I haven't gotten a valentine's card since elementary school, but wow, this was my first real one"

9. Valentine's Day baby

10. "I love you so much for this but I am not cleaning up all these scattered petals later"

11. "is proposing on this day a bit too cheesy? look at the ring I got them, though"

12. "it's my first time having someone to celebrate valentine's day with. that makes it extra special!"

13. "in my defense, they didn't have a smaller teddy bear in stock. hope you have some space in your bedroom"

14. " promise it's a nice thing. just close your eyes and don't cheat!"

15. "it's so nice being able to call you my valentine"

16. "valentine's cards aren't outdated, right? it's something everywould would like to receive, right?"

17. "good morning! do you know what day it is today? по? well, guess you're in for a surprise, then"

18. "yes. yes, I'll be your valentine!"

19. "have the people who make these cheesy movies seen how real people spend valentine's day?"

20. "if we're gonna pretend to be a couple, you need to let me get you a bouquet at least. it's february 14th!"

21. "It's Valentines day today?"

22. "I made dinner reservations." "So did I. Surprise?"

23. "Supri- oh shit you're not [name]?

24. "There are flowers on the doorstep." "Who from?" "| think that you have a secret admirer."

25. "So is that a yes?"

26. "Hey, the movies made this look so easy!"

27. "You told me you wanted cliche, so I got you a teddy bear."

28. 'Im sorry, but have you ever looked in a mirror?'

29. Post-it-notes

30. "I've been trying to get ready for like an hour and a half, because I know you're going to look so good and I need to try and match up."

31. "Your lips are really warm."

32. "Why are you holding a blindfold?"

33. "This isn't how I pictured our first Valentine's day."

34. "You don't think you went maybe a bit overboard?"

35. "This reminded me of you."

36. "I never thought driving around could be romantic"

37. "do you love me or chocolate more?"

38. "Will you be my Valentine…forever"

39. "hi, my love."

40. "come on, we're going to be late!"

41. "you're so prettv..."

42. "well don't you look nice."

43. "how did you manage to do all of this?"

44. "whatever you want, it's yours."

45. "i must have done something amazing to deserve someone like you."

46. "you made this?"

47. " this our what? third year celebrating together?"

48. "you're beautiful."

49. " know you don't like chocolate so...i have enough conversation hearts to last us three months."

50. "you guys make me sick."

51. "we get it. you're in love. go make out over there or something..."

52. "be my valentine?"

53. "if you don't hurry up and ask them out, i will"

54. Taking your daughter on her first valentines date

55. "Wanna get a coffee with me?"

56. "Have dinner with me. Tonight."

57. "Do you want your present or not?"

58. "I guess we'll just have to share the bed."

60. "Don't tempt me."

61. "Admit it, there's something between us."

62. "I'm your secret admirer."

63. "Don't give me that look."

64. "Wait. Is this a date?"

65. "Wanna bet on it?"

66. "Come on... you know you want me."

67. "I need to tell you something."

68. "Can I kiss you?"

69. "Something tells me that you have a crush on me."

70. "You know you can't resist me."

71. "How can someone be so hot yet so clueless?"

72. "Any excuse to get me to undress, huh?"

73. "I'm in love you with you, you idiot!"

74. "In your dreams, darling."

75. "You know I'm a romantic at heart."

76. "This is the best day ever."

77. "You scrub up pretty well."

78. "Hey! You're on my side of the bed."

79. "I have a surprise for you."

80. "See? I can play nice sometimes."

81. "Please, don't leave."

82. "I don't believe you."

bitchinbarzal

83. "I'm not going anywhere, don't worry."

84. "Will you please just talk to me?"

85. "I didn't mean to upset you."

86. "Don't think I haven't noticed how you look at me."

87. "You're obviously in love with me."

88. "I think you're my favourite person in the entire world."

89. "Damn, you look incredible."

90. "Let's get you out of those wet clothes."

91. "This is... unexpected."

92. "Have you told anyone about us?"

93. "Let's make it official."

94. "Are you wearing a suit?"

95. "Your boyfriend/girlfriend/partner doesn't need to know about this."

[pbandjesse]

It's hard to admit this because I had been social war that I was going to be able to sleep over this year but I hate this. I hate it. I don't want to sleep here I don't want to be here. I want to do my job and go because besides CJ I have no friends here. I have co-workers who are nice to me but I do not have friends. I don't have anyone to hang out with. And I just feel very very alone and miserable. I'm not having a good time. I'm not particularly having a very good summer. And it sucks. So when I go home I'm actually able to have fun and do things and hang out with my husband and eat food that I like and take actual showers. And I promised CJ I would stay here tonight because I wanted to hang out with her and it is almost 9:00 p.m. and she's been busy basically since I was done at 3:30. And that's not her fault but I've been alone for 6 hours basically. And I'm just really unhappy. I like having a cabin so I can come and rest during the daytime. I like knowing that I have a spot where are my things are. But I don't want to feel like I'm forced to stay here and I just have to be honest about that because I'm almost in tears again I'm so unhappy. And at this point it feels like it's too late to go home because I would just be going home and going right to bed and that feels pointless too. Like yes I would get to see James for a few minutes but they go to bed by 10:00 so it doesn't even feel like it would fix any of the problems that I'm having tonight.

It wasn't even a bad day. The temperature was really nice. I did not like my outfit. I felt uncomfortable in my tank top. So I wore a hoodie for most of the day which was fine. I actually got some compliments on it. And I didn't sleep amazing which probably is adding to my stress in my brain. But I got up and James was there and I tried to be in a good mood even though it was hard.

We got ready to go and we went outside together. James helped me carry a few things and I had a nice drive into work. Me and James both arrived at work at the same time which I always love. And I got set up and I felt like things were okay. I would hang out my hammock for a while. I decided to go in one of the other hammocks for some change of scenery and I ended up feeling super comfortable so I think I'm going to be hanging out in the new hammock more often. You lay in it and it's a little flatter which is nice and a nice change of pace.

My group study were All excellent. We had lots of really cute bears and everybody got done and it just felt like we were having a really productive day. I am really running low on the medium and large bears so I would have one of my tipis girls later on the day organize them into size so tomorrow I'm hoping it's a little more quick and we can use up more stock so I don't have to cut anything else. And I enjoyed hanging out with the kids. It's still hard because I'm not really talking to any counselors. And I was just trying to have a good day.

Some of that good day was just not going to lunch. Just not going to the meal at all. And apparently the kitchen stuff has noticed. What dinner they were very surprised that I had shown up and they were like we didn't think we'd ever see you. You've been all over the place and I'm like yeah I know I've just been so busy and I've been going home. But for lunch today I would go to the office and eat the nachos that I brought. Actually only ate half of them so I could have them again tomorrow if I wanted to. The cheese sauce that I got was fine but I don't think I would buy this particular brand again.

I did not get to be a alone as long as I had hoped because Kenny and Louisa were in the office and Kenny had gotten hurt at the pool and had to go get a staple in the back of his head. He had been in the shallow end and a tile fell off the pool and hit him in the head? I don't really understand how that happened. But I gave them both a chip and they told me all about the injury and eventually I would head up to arts and crafts to just chill by myself there. I never made it to the cabin during lunch today I just decided I did not want to lay down and I didn't feel like I had enough time to anyway.

The afternoon was great. Day Camp was lovely. I did scare one of the counselors because their kids were not listening when it was time to clean up and I had to actually yell and I had never yelled in front of this counselor before and he fully jumped. He was like that was really scary. And I'm like yeah I don't yell so I save it up for when it is an actual needed situation. And your kids were not listening. And I'm glad that I can be listened to without yelling and I'm glad that when I have to pull it out it is taken seriously.

We had a good time though and everybody got to sew and I did remember to bring the cotton so we were able to refill the sacrificial sheep from yesterday and I showed some of the girls how you do a ladder stitch to close them up. And I was having a positive day. I was not miserable and I was chill and things were okay.

My kids doing awards would come to do more chores and I was like yeah that's fine fully expecting that their counselors will come back for them at 3:30 because that is when my last program ends. But they didn't. Stockade was there from 2:30 to 3:30 and we had a great time doing necklace stuff and then they were doing this game where they rate just random things from 1 to 10. Ginger ale is apparently at 2:00 for some of them and styles of art is a six. It was very strange to listen to a group of teenage boys for an hour. And the girls were just aghast at the level of conversation. They were like this is stupid why are you talking about this. And I'm like they're not hurting anybody. Let them live their lives.

But The girls would stay and they would work on their awards and their paintings and their projects and I was over in the hammock. Cuz I was basically only a little bit responsible for them but I still couldn't go anywhere. So I text their counselor. When are you coming for them. No response.

And then two girls from the SSC came to do their camp award project and I was like yeah that's chill you just got to work on it for at least a half hour so they started working on that and that would make them done around 4:30 which was perfect because CJ called me and told me that they should head to the barn at 4:30 for their project stuff. And I was like that's chill so then I was like okay tipis will get picked up at 4:30. Because Slim was coming to do a performance.

Nope that did not happen. I sent 7 text messages between CJ and the two counselors and no one was answering me. And I'm not going to walk all the way over to the council ring to see if the teepee counselors were there and I'm just like this is ridiculous and then I see one of the counselors walk across the field and I'm not going to chase them you need to come up and get your kids. And they weren't. Finally at 5:35 after taking the girls to the bathroom twice their counselor finally came back. And they were like come on let's go and didn't say anything to me. And then one of them would message me on Instagram and apologize but apparently the girls told them to come and get them after Slim and I'm like why would you trust them. Why would you not confirm with me. What if I would need to leave and also I had things I wanted to do I wanted to go take a shower I wanted to come down to the cabin but no instead I was just sitting with your kids for multiple hours and that sucks. That's not fair to me.

So I was not in a great mood. Once they were gone I would go to the lodge and I would tell Callie how I was feeling and she validated my concerns but she was really busy so I went and talked to the kitchen staff and that's when they were like oh my God where have you been. And we talked about my trip next week and how I won't be there and then I had pasta salad and potatoes for dinner. I sat outside and Aaron came out because his little brother was there with hognose snake that he just bought. Which I thought Heather said we were not allowed to have. So I'm pretty surprised about that. But it's cute. So I hope that he actually got permission because my understanding was that that was not allowed. But whatever not my circus not my monkeys.

I would go to the office next with Louisa. She had been sitting with me outside and she was like let's go work on stuff and I was like okay so we go over to the art building and we painted some of the wooden spoons for next week's project and I made a note for whoever ends up subbing for it and around 7:00 we went back down to the office because there was going to become ice tonight and if everything else sucked at least I would have that.

We had to wait for a while and during that time we were just kind of chilling and talking. Talk to alexie for a little bit talked to a couple people that came through and everyone's like you're here!? And I think it's funny because like usually I'm very involved but I just can't this year I just don't want to be here. It's not that I'm unhappy at camp. I usually love so many things about camp. But the Sears just been so hard. I just would like to feel like I'm not trapped. And I'm hoping after my vacation next week I can just have a good time the last few weeks of camp and not feel so sad. I really hope that I can pull that off because this is been tough.

Going to ice would have come now and I got sour berry something. Which was really good. But it did make my mouth blue which I don't like. But Louisa did share one of her special cups with me so that was cool and I would sit outside and watch all the other kids get their flavors and I got to hear about the mixes they make and everyone was having a good time. OB, the mini horse, got a haircut and they brought him down because he was going to be in the talent show tonight. And everyone kept asking me if I was going to the skip night/talent show because apparently someone is doing an impression of me. But I am just so absolutely not interested in doing that. I do not like skit night It always goes way too long. And the skits are fine but they should have a time limit. They are just entirely too long and no one ever talks about enough. And since I was here I have decided I should at least make the most of it and I went back to arts and crafts to continue to paint spoons.

I did that until the paint that I had mixed ran out and then I came over to our cabin. I washed my face and I put my pajamas on. I packed some stuff to take home and now the sun is going down. And the lightning bugs are coming out. And I'm going to go and lay in bed and charge my phone. Watch the rest of this true crime documentary and hopefully have a good night's sleep.

I'm really hoping tomorrow was just a really good and easy day. But all my groups are nice and the counselors are helpful and I can leave for a week knowing that everything will be okay when I come back. Because if I come back on this building and it is a disaster I'm going to be so sad.

Everybody have a great night tonight. Sleep well and take care of each other. Until next time.

[jodilin65]

Friday, June 6, 2025

Ordered a quick-release connection for the hybrid. I ended up having okay energy yesterday, but today has been tough. Tom still thinks we just need to fine-tune things, and then little by little, I’ll be able to reverse the debt caused by years and years of sleep apnea. I hope to hell he’s right, because the longer this goes on, the more I feel like it’s hopeless. I got the events down and now it’s time to work on the “farts and frags.”

I think the hybrid is going to be the better mask for me in the end. It’s a lot less leaky. The problem was, five or six hours into my sleep, I woke up needing to pee and couldn’t get the fucking thing back on. It’s easy to grab the magnetic clips on the sides and yank it off, but getting it on is a bitch. So I said fuck it and started to sleep with nothing—until I snorted myself awake. Once I did that, I switched to the pillow and just dealt with the mouth farts waking me up on and off until I got up, exhausted as ever and barely able to remember the dream Rhonda was in, along with me asking Tom about Spain’s climate. I think with the Rhonda dream, I was lying on a table and she was helping me insert something into my bad ear when I said, “That’s as far as I can go.”

Anyway, I ended up napping for a bit, and tomorrow the quick-release will be here. For tonight, I will just sleep with the hybrid until it either farts me awake or I have to get up and pee and can’t get back into the damn thing. At that point, I’ll deal with snorts rather than mouth farts. It seals much better than the pillow, but it does still leak at times at the sides of my chin. I still feel like everything I do is going to end up getting me nowhere in the end.

So glad I could be there for Kathy earlier, and she thanked me for being her rock throughout her latest problem and said she was so glad we reconnected. She found her neighbor’s little 15-year-old dog dead in her yard, and a new break in the fence. She didn’t think the dog looked “graphic” enough to have been killed by any of her two dogs, but they agreed to pay to have the dog cremated and are thinking of rehoming at least one of their dogs, even though Kathy has her doubts that her dogs killed the dog. Well, I wasn’t there and I couldn’t see what happened, but it sucks either way for Kathy, the dogs, and her 70-year-old widowed neighbor.

Yesterday I did some experimenting and made some meatballs that came out awesome. I just gotta up the temp and the time to about 425 degrees and a half hour. I made meatballs with spinach and shredded cheese, and they came out great. I might add some Italian breadcrumbs to them next time to soak up some of the grease and add more flavor.

Today, I sculpted a cute little teddy bear out of leftover colorful clay that I used to create a base for Summer Dream’s bust.

Tom was kind enough to switch out the lobster claw clasps on some of my necklaces with toggle clasps. So much easier this way!

Sunday, June 8, 2025

Slept horribly yet again and still feel that something more sinister than sleep apnea is going on. The hybrid is too leaky, so I went back to the pillow and used tape. A few hours into my sleep, I took the mask and the tape that had loosened off after at least two leaks. All night I experienced fragmented sleep, waking up at least half a dozen times and a few times with night sweats. There were a couple of times I thought I was going to have trouble falling back asleep.

I took melatonin before bed, and therefore I had some pretty vivid and detailed dreams, but nothing bad. A couple of hours before I got up, I used the bathroom and then put the pillow back on without tape if only to drive more air up my nose because it was stuffy. I slept for a little over an hour and don't remember any leak during this time.

Although I did manage to go out to Publix, I am pretty tired today—maybe not quite as bad as yesterday but bad enough. I'm no longer sure what to think, but I do know I'm tired of trying to figure out my health problems. Never once in my life did I say I wanted to make a career out of suffering and having to try to guess what could be wrong with me and hope to solve it. I just can't keep taking this year after year. This has gotten to be way too much, way more than I can handle.

If a CPAP isn't right for me, I have no other options. I can't just request a mouthguard when there are no sleep dentists in network, and I can't just run out and get the Inspire implanted as quickly as I can request a medication refill. It would take the better part of the year for something that may or may not help, and I don't think I can hold out that long. I truly believe without a doubt that there is no end to my suffering. Even if this was resolved, there would just be something else. As soon as the worst of the hormonal hell settled down, on came the sleep apnea.

But as I said, I don't think that's my only problem. I looked up everything else it could possibly be, and while one report says fragmented sleep is normal at my age, others say it's not and it's caused by certain things. I worry that it is a normal fact of aging because Tom has fragmented sleep. The difference is that, for some reason, my body can't handle it like his can, which makes me think I could very well have the chronic fatigue I’ve feared and suspected I could have for quite a while now.

Stress can cause fragmented sleep, but I don't think that's my problem in this case. Stress has affected my sleep at times, even when I was young, yet I wasn't this exhausted. I thought it was connected to the sleep apnea, but if the events are down, why aren't the frags down? That leaves heart issues, and I just can't see that. That’s the last thing I see being the culprit, along with cancers of any kind. All I see at this point is chronic fatigue, hopelessness, and no end in sight.

After reading someone else's entry, I did a little research, and there's this guy who believes in 9-year cycles, and then other reports that suggest you go through 7-year cycles continuously throughout life. I thought back to most of my adult life and the times that were worse than others and then the times that were better than others, and I don't see a pattern. Let me break it down in print and see if anything jumps out at me, starting in 1992 when I left New England:

1992–1999 (8) was mostly good if you eliminate the loud freeloaders next to us.

2000–2004 (4) was mostly bad. I got legally screwed by the welfare bums and then we lost our Arizona house, although these two instances were not connected.

2005–2007 (2) was mostly good as I was doing a lot of sweepstakes winning in Oregon, and Tom could walk to work in just a few minutes.

2008–2011 (3) was mostly bad, then in Cali, due to the recession.

2012–2013 (1) was better as our finances improved and we bought a house.

2014–now (11) has been mostly bad as I went through hormonal hell from 2014 to 2021 when the sleep apnea/fatigue took over shortly before we moved to Florida. One was barely finished before the other one started.

If I'm counting right, this comes to only 11 good years and 18 bad years. This isn't exactly encouraging. This also isn't to say that there weren't some bad moments during the better times and that there haven't been some good moments during the shitty times, but more like an overall picture.

Tom is cleaning the oven now and it stinks. I've got to change the rat’s cage later.

Speaking of Miss Tink, I had two fun dreams with her in them. In one dream, we were in a hotel somewhere and although she couldn't hop around as much as when she was younger and before she got her tumor, she was having a blast exploring the new place and running around.

The other one took place in the Phoenix house. She was in the back room, and Tom entered the back door and got down on the floor to play with her. I had just stepped out from where the bedrooms were and looked through the kitchen into the back room from the living room. I hit the floor, and she came charging through the kitchen and licked my face affectionately.

In another dream, I was playing with someone’s pet mice, and then I was with an older guy at some diner. We were getting something to go, and he seemed in a hurry, but I couldn't figure out the menu because I'd never heard of anything on it.

Then I said something totally incorrect in Spanish and had a long, detailed dream with Doc A in it. Actually, it was two separate dreams, just like with the rat. The first time around, I was staying with her, although I don't know why or for how long. I was helping her fold laundry and we were talking about trivial things. Eventually, Gloria Estefan came up and I told her I once had a huge girl crush on her but later lost all respect for her when she turned out to be a bigot when her daughter came out.

Then I had to use the bathroom, and she was directing me to a bathroom I must not have normally used because I didn't seem to know where it was. I went in the direction she told me to go, but couldn't find it. Then she said, “No, it's over there,” so I went a different direction, and I still couldn't find this bathroom.

In the other dream, she was napping on a couch and then stirred awake when I entered the room. She said she had a dream about being in Times Square. I asked if she was going back to sleep and she said yes because she wanted to get back to Times Square, LOL.

Monday, June 9, 2025

Having a little more energy than usual, he and I decided to be “bad” after he had to lose a third donation because some incompetent asshole had to go and fuck up, leaving him bruised. So it was the perfect day to take our poor, pre-diabetic asses to the dollar store. We always like browsing through there from time to time anyway, because you never know what little goodies they may have.

There were a few things I liked, but I try not to get anything unless I really need it or totally fall in love with it. I wasn't really impressed with their coloring books. There were a couple of colorful thermoses and leggings I considered, but said nah. We just got some candy and chips, and one of those round little beanbag pillows you usually put under your neck or lower back or behind your knees. My other one is getting a bit old and stretched out.

As for the latest sleep report, I ended up perking up a bit yesterday and was up a long time. My sleep wasn't as fragmented, and I slept with the pillow and tape. I have a different kind of mouth tape coming tomorrow that has broader coverage but is said to be breathable while still preventing snoring, which it’s primarily used for. So if it prevents snoring, perhaps it will prevent leaks while letting me breathe through it a bit.

Got the CPAP pillow today but I'm not sure I'm going to like it because it's very firm. It's child-sized, though, so it would be ideal if I ever did settle on some kind of hybrid or full-face mask. For now, I'm stubbornly holding on to the hope that I can make the pillow work somehow. It's the most comfortable and the best for someone with collapsed nasal valves. Only problem is that one nostril is starting to leak a little. It’s nothing like the leaks coming out of my mouth at times or what I experienced with the hybrid leaking from the cradle and by my chin, but I can't quite seal it as well as the other one. Initially, it had an amazingly good seal. I can see why they have to be replaced every few months. I can feel a little bit of air escaping that side and a faint hissing sound, but again, nothing as obvious as other types of leaks.

I read that EMF from phones and computers can interfere with sleep, so last night I left my phone in the bathroom, and instead of putting my computer to sleep, I shut it down. My sleep was less fragmented, but I'm sure this is a one-time thing that’s not connected. Every now and then, even I sleep okay. I'm sure I'll be back to the usual exhaustion tomorrow.

Anyway, I slept with the pillow and tape all night. I only remember a couple of mouth farts when I ended up on my back and the tape loosened a bit. My back is a position I seldom ever sleep in, and that’s more likely to cause leaks. 

I had a very disturbing nightmare that has me a little worried I’m in for some kind of shit, as if I hadn’t had enough already. As those who know me know, I’ve been having a rough spell, and I wouldn’t be surprised if that’s what the last round of nightmares was warning.

Tom wasn’t with me in the dream, but I was in a small office building with a few small rooms off the main room. There seemed to be mostly women employees around, and all of a sudden, they started to panic over a “single wave” that was coming. “Oh no, oh no,” they were saying, looking out the front of the building at what looked like a dark and stormy sky. It then hit me that the single wave was some kind of tsunami but I wasn’t sure whether or not they were simply overreacting. Most of them ran into rooms on the side of the main room, and I followed a woman into a back room where she quickly shut the door and made sure the window was shut. 

“When is this happening?” I asked her. I woke up right as she was screaming “NOW!” really loudly. Definitely not the type of dream you want to have if you're the type of psychic I am.

The 7th was Doc A’s birthday, and I wished her a happy birthday on her wall, which she hearted, and then tagged me when thanking everyone for the birthday wishes. I sent her a quick message updating her on what’s been going on, including the dreams she was recently in. She read it without replying, as usual. I don’t hear from her much. Don’t know if it’s something about me personally or if that’s just the way she is with most people, but it doesn’t matter either way. I still consider her a friend, and everyone has a right to communicate as much or as little as they want with whoever.

Kathy has been a different story, messaging me a lot, and damn do I feel bad for the poor girl! Things are escalating with her neighbor. I don’t know the whole story or just how innocent Kathy really is, but I definitely get the impression that the problem is mostly with the neighbor. The woman didn’t supervise her dog; it went onto someone else’s property, and therefore, she’s got to deal with the consequences. I don’t think it just died, though, even though it was old. I think one of her dogs probably did kill it, but I didn’t tell her that because that’s not what she needs to hear right now. I think Kathy herself isn’t sure exactly what happened. 

She did tell the guy who cremated the dog to be the one to directly deliver the urn. She sent me a screen shot of her text to the guy, saying she was covering her bases and besides, the police told her not to have any direct contact with her and they acknowledged that the woman should have kept tabs on her own dog and not allowed it to wander onto other people’s property. Kathy said she took her own dogs indoors last night, which she now refuses to rehome, understandably, which should be the case every night, at least in my opinion. I think dogs should be pets or they shouldn’t be kept at all unless they’re specifically trained guard dogs or something like that. 

Anyway, I’m not sure if the woman has mental problems or took advantage of Kathy’s kindness or what, since I never met her.

Anyway, I looked up her house on Google (the address was in the text), and while it’s a pretty decent hood she’s in—omg! The houses are even closer than here! I would absolutely hate living there. I can imagine all the barking, screaming kids, and boom car stereos. Just like in Phoenix, anywhere in the mainstream is pretty much like that.

Finally got a couple of little tomatoes from the plant in the hydroponic. We have one there and one outside in the planter that the lemon tree is in. I gave one to Tink and ate the other.

Tuesday, June 10, 2025

Once again, I didn't seem to wake up as much, but when I woke up to pee—so much for the CPAP cutting that out—I had trouble getting back to sleep, so I took half of a clonazepam pill. Same issues with the mouth leaks, and I woke up tired. 

I just can't get a good seal with either mask, and I still fear that I’m never going to find the right one. And where do I even begin to look? These things aren’t a few dollars a pop. It's not like I can just go out and buy one of each and experiment with them since they do cost quite a bit of money, especially if I have to get a new frame and harness. I'm not sure if I'm going to get a full face mask or a hybrid with a nasal pillow, but I'm starting to think a full face might be my best bet, plus a liner. The research I've done suggests liners are not only more comfortable but tend to give you a better seal.

They have a printable sizing chart, but right now we don't have a printer that can print. We fucked up by getting an inkjet when we should have gotten a laser. That way, the ink would last longer. 

I just feel so overwhelmed and like I'm not getting anywhere with the sleep issues. I don't suffocate awake anymore, and the number of events is definitely down, but what good is that if I've traded events for leaks that disrupt my sleep just as easily? I can't rule out chronic fatigue until I can stop things from waking me up—or at least cut way back. But I still fear there's some kind of curse on my sleep and nothing I do is going to stop that. As I've said before, it's like it's using my own health and body against me because I'm now in a quiet place where traffic doesn't wake me up several days a week. I try to tell myself that if this doesn't get resolved, I can live tired. Well, I'll be existing instead of living, but I can survive. I'll feel crappy most of the time, but things could be worse, and it's not like I drive or have a job I have to be at. So even though my activities will be severely limited and I'll have to pace myself and take breaks by lying down for a few minutes here and there, it's still better than the anxiety I used to go through. Besides, if it were suddenly resolved, I would just go into a whole new problem. So yeah, after we've wasted a little more money on another kind of mask that's destined to leak—at least for me—I'll just have to cut my losses and accept that at least I shouldn't suffocate awake or feel really short of breath during the daytime anymore. Just tired. But hey, I do have some good days mixed in. They're only once or twice a week, but they're there. I'll just appreciate those good days even more when they come around.

I'll never go to the beach again or anything like that, but so what? I've been to the beach enough times in my life. And no, if by some miracle we ever did have money, we couldn't move, but this isn't the worst place to be, so that's okay too. I do like the weather here, despite the storms sometimes waking me up and the stress of hurricanes. So yeah, I'll be okay. Sure can't deny that I miss so many parts of my old body and life, though. But they can never be again. I just miss some of the old feelings I would have and the way so many things seemed so new and exciting. Even just the thought of some things was different than they are now.

Hell, I haven't even had a crush on anyone since 2016. I miss having eye candy to inspire my creative side by including them in stories I'd write. But at this age, you just don't have the feelings you had when you were younger. I'd settle for better sleep and better energy—but again, that's just not in my cards. Oh well. At least I'm not blind or paralyzed or anything like that. Even the anxiety was a lot worse.

I wish I were one of those who could dive into role-playing, really sink into a fun-filled fantasy world as an escape, but I can't even come up with the enthusiasm and imagination for that much anymore. Strange for someone who's always been so creative. I recently read that the youngest child is often underestimated but is usually the most creative. How true that is in my case! Even when I'm not as creative, I'm still pretty creative compared to how my siblings were/are. Never had a damn thing in common with either one of them. Just the abusive mother and enabling father.

I've tried to think of different things to do when I'm on nights and he's asleep. I thought of bringing some of my old characters to “life”—be it totally made-up characters or those I actually knew. Bringing them to life by imagining them here and chatting with them, since there wouldn't really be anything else to do but chat. But what would we chat about, and how often could I do this type of thing anyway? I thought of alternating characters and switching them up regularly for variety—but again, how often would I do this, and what would we discuss that often? And what about when I was eating or doing other things? Would I somehow incorporate that into the little game? I don't know what to do or think anymore, but I think that, tired or not, I want to hit the road. I'm still in the middle of Eastern Hungary.

Had fun chatting with Kathy tonight. We talked about Kim, Molly, old websites, inflation, stores, coloring books, and more.

The guy delivering the dog’s urn said her crazy neighbor was pressing him for info, demanding to know if there was any evidence that her dog was attacked because she wanted to take it to the PD or something like that. As far as Kathy knows, though, she's got no case against her and won't be summoned. I hope not, because this would be one of those rare instances where you couldn’t not show up to court, being neighbors and all that. If she refused to go, the neighbor could call the cops, saying she was hearing screaming or something like that over there, and when they ran a routine check, she would get arrested for failing to appear.

I can't say who's responsible for the gap in the fence, but the neighbor is definitely at fault for not watching her dog. Do I believe Kathy’s dogs didn’t attack it? Not really. I think a lot of people forget that just because a dog is friendly to people doesn't mean it's going to be friendly to an animal trespassing on its property. Still, the neighbor should have kept tabs on her own dog.

Wednesday, June 11, 2025

What would I tell my younger self? Such a popular journal prompt. I would definitely tell my younger self that people don't change, and I shouldn't be forgiving. It almost embarrasses me to think that, as late as in my 50s, I believed that if I simply explained to someone what they did to offend me, I could expect them to listen, understand, and not do it again.

Anyway, I wish every day could be like today. Not only do I have good energy, but after the dream I had, I knew it was going to be a good day. 

I slept with the nasal pillow and tape for the first 4 hours or so. But then, when the leaks started getting to me, I took it off and inserted the nasal dilator. Again, my sleep was less fragmented, and I didn’t have the foot cramp I had yesterday that I shouldn’t have had because of all I drink.

First, I dreamed that I was in an exam room. A doctor entered the room, and Alyssa was following close behind. I wondered if she recognized me, but I didn’t want to say who I was. She seemed hesitant to explain to the doctor why she needed to be seen. I was just about to say I would wait out in the hall when she started talking.

Then I dreamed that I got a phone call informing me that I won a house in Florida. Only we were still in California, and he was still working. I told the woman that I’d love to have a house in Florida, but we couldn’t just pull up stakes in just a few days. I ran to get Tom, but I couldn’t find him anywhere in the house. Then I heard the shower running and hoped he would be out soon. While I was waiting, I asked the woman how big it was, and she told me it was over 1200 square feet. Still a bit small, but bigger than this.

I woke up feeling like it was a sign of good news to come. And sure enough, that cataract surgery we thought was going to cost close to a grand is only going to be $25! Not only that, but it’s to be done at the end of the month. There will be three different eye drops he’ll have to take, which will also be free. As if me not driving is bad enough, I’m going to have to sleep during that time. He assures me it’s fine and that he’ll take advantage of the free rides he’s going to get. I know it’s out of my hands, but I still feel bad anyway.

Sure makes me shake my head at a Facebook reel I saw that says that before we’re born, we pick our family and our struggles. No one chooses to be poor, someone said in the comment section. No shit! Nor do they choose negative, neglectful mean bitches like my mother was, or health issues, including a couple of nasty sleep disorders. No one wants to have to take a thyroid medication they’re sensitive to and that can make them very anxious. No one chooses to have the horrible neighbors we once had, or the shit some of them did to us.

In the end, it was a great day overall. Wish it could be like this more often. Instead, my energy levels—and therefore my moods—are still rather bipolar. In other words, I’ll be tired tomorrow. Going to try a drink they say helps with fatigue this weekend when we order groceries. It’s maca powder.

[cllnsllvn]

Martinborough to Napier

Check out today wasn't until 11, so I had a nice leisurely breakfast and enjoyed the environment this morning. I left about quarter to 11 and started to make my way to Napier. The drive was quite bizarre, weather-wise. Sometimes it was blue skies, and then the next second it was downpouring. I stopped off for a coffee break in Dannevirke and took a picture of these lovely buildings on one of the side streets. I especially liked the blue one. This felt like the first taste of art deco before making it to Napier.

Because of the weather, I didn't make any other stops on the road. Though, to be fair, there weren't many obvious stops anyway. I did enjoy the landscape as I was driving along. Lots of lush green fields and rolling hills, then plenty of vineyards on the approach to Napier. Hawke's Bay is another great wine area in NZ, and I look forward to trying a few of the wineries here, as well! I was pleasantly surprised when I checked into my accommodation - I am fairly certain I booked into a 6-person mixed dorm, but I am definitely in a 4-bed room. It also seems that only two beds are taken! Lucky me. The hostel also has a great rooftop area! Once I checked in, I decided to head out for a nice walk.

First, I headed to the Centennial Garden to see the waterfall. It's astonishing to me that this is basically right in the CBD - it's almost like a nature oasis, straight off a main road. After the gardens, I headed to the marine parade walkway. This seems to stretch the length of the entire beach in Napier, so I only walked a section of it. It seems you could probably walk for an hour and a half or more in one direction. There are some really great monuments and art pieces along the way, as well as gardens, skate parks, and more.

After the marine parade, I decided to head into town a bit. Napier is well known for its abundance of art deco style buildings. Much of the city was destroyed in an earthquake in 1931, causing widespread death and destruction. When the town was rebuilt, the art deco style was popular, and Napier wanted to be current and with the times. The town contains a mix of styles, with Art Deco being the predominant, along with Spanish Mission, Stripped Classical and Classical Moderne.

There are also some really great street murals, including old Oscar, there, and statues scattered throughout the city. Then, on my way back to have some dinner, I saw that the fountain seemed to be filled with soap! It was a hit with the kids, but I honestly couldn't stick around very long because the smell was too strong! After dinner, I headed back out to soak in the fresh air, heading to a bench on the Marine Parade walkway to sit and read my book for a while.

This last statue, of Pania, depicts a woman who, according to Māori legend, was enchanted by the siren song and swam out to meet the people of the sea. Upon trying to return, she was transformed into the reef which now lies beyond the Napier breakwater.

Luckily, the weather in Napier seems to be looking okay for the next few days! Tonight, we fall back for daylight savings, which means an extra hour of sleep for me! It also, however, means the sun will start setting at 6 PM. Bring me back those 10 PM summer nights!

[the59er]

20 Jan 2025

20th January 2025, Monday Listening: Breathing, Ben Böhmer

Off day! Started the day with Petrosains! 2121 played a lot while I was just walking around trying to read stuff on the display but it was just.. not my thing? I guess I enjoy looking at paintings or going for shows instead of this. But I still had fun seeing 2121 hyped up 😂

Fun!

HOWEVER, we wasted our time on the road because the place we wanted to go to for lunk ended up being closed. Traffic was bad because it was peak hours. Ended up having late lunk at Pasadena and I tried their dipping burger which surprisingly did not leave me gassy despite eating their muffins. Even though it was tasty, I think I'll stick with my usual Boston.

Afterwards decided to go to OU, initially just for coffee, but ended up having a Zanmai dins!

--

21 Jan 2025

21st January 2025, Tuesday - Happy birthday to Uncle Azlin! 🎂 Listening: Backwater, Meat Puppets

Still on leave! Since 2121 had to leave for his Dad’s birthday dins after Asar, we went out earlier for lunk at Macha & co. But first, dropped off my "recyclables" which were my old law books & statutes. RIP potential law career. I am officially done. Im sorry Ma & Ba.

We were walking towards Lotus’ for my groceries when we passed by Habib. I've been meaning to replace the ring I received from my Mom years ago, which I lost (or possibly stolen, because it went missing from my office desk. Im the kind of person who takes off all jewelry on my fingers whenever it's crunch time and I need to FOCUS). But thankfully the RA showed another ring which looked so much similar so I settled on that one. But had to have it re-sized because my finger is too thin (Im a ring size 5 or 6 😩). Can't wait to pick it up tomorrow! I know I need it replaced soon before Mom noticed that I haven't been wearing it.. At least from afar, it looks similar to the old ring 😅

- -

22 Jan 2025

22nd January 2025, Wednesday Listening: Later Bitches, The Prince Karma

My fault for not fully preparing myself for my 11am presentation so my heart was racing like crazy 😵‍💫 But thankfully survived both my morning & afternoon briefings.

Highlight of the day was picking up the ring from yesterday! It looks so much better once it actually fits my finger 😍

Tapao-ed Shihlin for dins. I should’ve only bought the sweet potato fries and not the chicken. It was wayyy too much.

--

23 Jan 2025

23rd January 2025, Thursday Listening: Santa Fe, Beirut

Received back-to-back parcels today! My purchases from Shoppee and my purchase from rubyuzi's contact which was a deadstock Deepset t-shirt, thank you to amirul! Unfortunately the dress from Shoppee turned out looking nothing like in the picture. But what do I expect from something so cheap anyway, right? Bleah. But can't wait to gift the Deepest tee to 2121 😊

--

24 Jan 2025

24th January 2025, Friday Listening: Ease Me On, Kings of Leon

Thosai sardine from Jamal in the a.m. because I was surprisingly hungry but I only managed to eat half of it. Had a 9-11am calls and I think I did alright for my briefing to our counterparts in Thailand, good job, self!

& then of course highlight of my Fridays is dins with Gege! Tonight we had Kantan and it was perfect because it was raining so the soup daging really hit the spot!

Later that night something came up but I hope we're over it.

--

25 Jan 2025

25th January 2025, Saturday Listening: Make Damn Sure, Taking Back Sunday

Fulfilling day, chores-wise! Laundry in the morning & then continued vacuuming upstairs + dad’s office + parents’ room. Then finally took a shower before leaving to Citta for grocers to get my snacks & also tamar for Dad, went to Ace for a lighter & its refill, and also grabbed guavas because I love guavas. Hit the drive-thru for lunk, reached home around 3pm, settled laundry 😮‍💨

--

26 Jan 2025

26th January 2025, Sunday Listening: Elevator Love Letter, Stars

Started the day late today. We went to Tunku Abdul Rahman Putra Memorial and it was exciting to me because as a student I truly enjoyed Malaysian Studies, and Tunku's journey for our independence gave me literal chills. I cannot imagine being a part of it. What a legend 😮‍💨

Ended the day at Bangsar where we had Bala's and I tapao-ed Kuke for home ❤️

Full week, Hamdulillah.

[aaaaatillathenun]

What the fuck is wrong with today? Did I just wake up on the wrong side of the bed? Is it cosmic?

It started so good. I woke up 45 minutes before my alarm and I was excited to get some “extra sleep”.

There was a big asshole truck driving on the way to work. Like I understand you want some small dick compensation but like at least be able to handle it if you feel the need to get one. This guy kept driving on the line and making me feel unsafe when I tried to pass him.

Then I did my stupid little one hour of work and I discovered that the fucking travel office changed the layout of the travel system we use without telling anyone. A couple weeks after they changed they layout of their website without telling anyone. I fucking hate the travel office. Someone I support has a report pending from a trip he took in April. That’s a whole different fiscal year, shouldn’t there be some consequences for your poor time management? I fucking. Hate. The. Travel. Office.

Then for my fucking class the lab manager didn’t come to open the door to the computer lab the class was in until 25 minutes after it started. Absolute waste of everyone’s time. Everyone was there at 8 in the goddamn morning for a class and your website and door both say that you’ll be there at 8. Where’s the communication? Absolutely fuming. I had to very consciously restrain myself from yelling at him, because honestly fuck that dude. I hope the professor chews him out. I should tell the professor that tbh.

The class was stupid as it always was. CliftonStrengths is a scam.

Then I got lost in the building like a chump trying to get out and I got pissed. I think you’re supposed to exit on the second floor, but how the hell am I supposed to know that? The star on the elevator was next to the first floor.

And its difficult to ride my bike when I’m hauling all the shit around to refill my snack drawer in an extra bag and all the fucking freshmen dont know how to walk on the sidewalks so bikes can get by.

My advising session was actually p good not gonna lie. Someone with the same advisor told me that she didn’t like the advisor bc she was so direct, but idk what she was on bc that was a great advisor and a person I get along with and would like to get the point of view more

Then back at work the fucking fire alarm went off. It was so fucking loud where I was and then we all had to hang out outside for twenty minutes until the firefighters came. And no one knows still if it was a drill or not but idek if it matters bc the “floor safety officers” were so bad at their job and didn’t really know what to do.

Then I found out that one of the systems we use wasn’t set up properly for me and I talked to my supervisor about it to try and get her to fix it. THEN I found out that I had actually been looking in the wrong place for a fucking year and it WAS set up correctly.

Also I checked my bank account and the term tuition has not been taken out of my bank account even though I have the payment confirmation. So I’ll wait for another like week and then check again.

I also realized that I forgot to pay rent and utilities for October. I need to let my roommate know that I’ll be renewing for another 6 months. However part of this non payment is bc she didn’t put any of the utilities i to tricount so idk what I owe her. I’ll get the check when I get home today tho. Hopefully she’ll let me waive the three day late fee because she also didn’t do anything for the utilities.

I hate when my job makes me feel like a travel agent and reimbursement machine but when it’s anything else I’m so out of my depth because all I ever do is travel shit.

Lets see how the rest of this shit day will go. I still have an hour and a half left of work plus I said I would show my face at a social event for my volunteer club, but that’s ok bc the new officers will be picking up the tab so I get a free drink or 2. But then I have a bunch of readings to do tonight.

Why the fuck did i decide that working and going to grad school at the same time and also living so far from everything was a good idea.

[angeli-marco-writes]

Sherlock Holmes - Kiss Me, Mr Detective

A/N - Season 1!Sherlock, the cutie. And friends to lovers. Two of my favourite things. I do not own Sherlock Holmes, the character, the universe, the adaptations or anything: this is a work of fiction set on the BBC adaptation of Sherlock. Did I still write 8.2k words (exactly) for it? Yes. I also don’t own the song or the lyrics used within, and if you fancy it, listen to ‘Kiss Me’ by Ed Sheeran while reading.

Warnings - Bad language. Mentions of murder and drug usage. Mild angst. Smut, loss of virginity, masturbation, oral m receiving, penetration, unprotected sex, so 18+.

Summary - After a fight with John leaves Sherlock feeling particularly down, he calls on the one person who is always there to support him. Only tonight, it’s different. Feelings come to a head, exploration ensues, but is this just a one time thing? That depends on whether she stays the night...

TO SHERLOCK, it’s just another normal day, whereas to John? He’d rather not admit how regularly these awful days roll around. Sure, the case didn’t go as well as it could’ve, and Sherlock admittedly could’ve made much more of an effort to comfort John after the apparent ‘heartbreak’ he endured. He just could not understand it. Why the hell was John so emotionally responsive to a case they’d been on for less than twenty four hours which turned out to be a bust anyway? 

“You are absolutely unbelievable!” 

“People die every day, John. You’ve killed people, as have I. It isn’t that great a surprise.” Sherlock deadpans, picking up his teacup, raising it to his lips, drawing a long sip from the warm liquid. 

“Oh, yeah, of course. The proud, the cold untroubled heart of stone, that never mused on sorrow but its own.” John mocks. “Do you not even care that people are still dead despite the fact you solved the case?”

“They’d be dead either way,” he reiterates, “at least we got to them before they completely decomposed. Will me caring about them stop them from being dead? No, Dr Watson, it will not.”

“Sherlock!”

“John!” He mimics. 

John slams his hands down on the desk, shaking the wood and everything resting on it, surely sending the vibrations through the floor and notifying Mrs Hudson of their ‘domestic’ as she so likes to call them. The buffalo even begins to swing. John’s tea is long forgotten, but Sherlock’s is keeping him grounded, calm, as John waggles his fist in Sherlock’s passive, blank face. 

“You-” he pauses, gulping down breath. “You are a fucking machine, I can’t even deal with you right now. How dare you be so cold hearted and untroubled by this. You’re a disgrace.”

As if he hasn’t heard that one before, Sherlock scoffs. 

Placing his teacup back down with a clink, he stands, the darkness of the night, of the room, closing in on them both. Nights like these really are danger nights, any night John leaves him. That’s what's coming next, but there isn’t a thing he knows to say or do to prevent the inevitable. He’ll simply just text Her instead, she’ll keep him grounded. 

“Why? Emotional context? Emotion, whether of ridicule, anger, or sorrow, whether raised at a puppet show, a funeral, or a battle, is your grandest of levellers. The man who would be always superior should be always apathetic.” 

With a huff like a bull, John viciously turns on his heel, blaspheming under his breath, cursing Sherlock out. He reaches for his coat and snatches it off the stand, slamming the door open. 

“MACHINE.” John screams before pulling the door shut with a great slam, seething, the coat stand still rocking in his wake. 

John’s footsteps thunder down the stairs, but before he’s even gone, Sherlock’s phone is withdrawn, and he’s tapping out a message.

Can you come over? Please? SH

It wouldn’t usually bother him as much. The case didn’t phase him, at all, but John’s opinion did. It always does. But today was a particularly long day of being brutish and rude, cold and distant, his usual and true self, but John’s more and more impatient with him now. 

Being called a ‘machine’ is, again, nothing unusual, but this time it stings a little more than usual, especially after his recent arrest, and a fallout with Molly. He only has one person left, right now, who doesn’t hate him. His longest friend, the one he keeps away from it all so as to not tarnish her life with his misdeeds; Y/N, the one he can always rely on.

He knows she’s arrived by the sound of his window crashing open. Crawling up the bricks, skimming the drainpipe, latching onto the ivy; it’s her usual manner of entry. She never uses the door. 

Putting his cups and saucers into the sink, he makes his way through the house, opening his bedroom door to find her already sitting there on the bed, her coat hung up on the hook, her work clothes clinging to her body. 

“Hey there Mr Detective, you okay?” she asks as jovially as she can muster.

The way he ambles across the room, his dressing gown floating behind him, and slumps down onto the bed, instantly tells her he’s not okay at all. She can’t help but to look upon him sympathetically, edging a smidge closer to him, until he’s prompted enough to wrap his arms around her torso, finding his rightful place tangled around her. She knows him well enough - his past, and his current life - to realise she’s the only person he’s ever felt comfortable enough around to do this with, and that brings her a certain swelling pride in her bosom, one that doesn’t go unnoticed by Sherlock as he feels her skin heat up against his cheek. 

It doesn’t take long, either, for his head to follow suit, burying into her chest. He’s always, always had a thing for her boobs, ever since they were in uni together. 

That’s something so special about the two of them, he doesn’t have to say anything for her to know he’s not okay the way he does with everyone else. And naturally, he can read everything about her in a split second.

“I’m here, bud.”

Above all else, he just needs to know someone is there for him in moments like these. The world is cruel to him, and Y/N wishes more than anything that it wasn’t. Upon instinct, her hands stray, one to his back, pressing against the silk of his dressing gown, the other cradling his long neck, fingers knotting in the dark curls there. 

She isn’t sure how long she stays there, simply holding him, feeling every twitch of his muscles, every breath of his against her skin, but she likes it. Of course she does, every time she likes it. Sherlock brings her an inordinate amount of comfort at the best of times, today is no exception, especially with what the day has held. Even when she’s the one comforting him, he doesn’t realise how much he helps her too. 

His flat is so familiar, his bed as comfortable as her own. She knows his sock index, she’s studied his periodic table over his shoulder more times than she’d care to admit, and she even has her own toothbrush in the bathroom in case she has to pop over for an emergency freshen up. Sherlock has, and always will be, her first port of call, and that she remembers as she shifts further onto the quilted bedspread, her phone on his oak bedside locker. 

His head begins to stir against her chest, his curls tickling her collarbones, small hums escaping his lips as he pushes himself up, his elegant yet trembling hands still splayed on her waist.

“I could feel your heart beating weirdly, what’s wrong?” he asks, quirking his eyebrows. 

“Just the usual.” she vaguely replies.

Sherlock isn’t having it, though, and scans her a little more. “You’re still in your work clothes.”

“Great deduction. I was hoping you’d go a little deeper, though.”

“You hate wearing work clothes longer than necessary, which means you had plans straight after work, considering you finished… five hours ago? That’s your usual time for today. Counting overtime, forty five minutes, walk to your car, another ten, but your umbrella wasn’t working, round that up to an hour, leaving at 6. You arrived home, no, not home, at your boyfriend’s house for dinner. However, you’re not comfortable enough with one another yet for you to use his shower, or perhaps you are, but you elected not to, and stay in damp clothes that only had seventeen minutes to dry with the heater on in your car for the journey there. You ate dinner, Mexican, had a glass and a half of five percent wine, realised you couldn’t drive, but you didn’t particularly want to stay. Nonetheless you sat and watched the telly with him for hours, football, I can see the dreariness in your eyes. I know how much you hate it, and frankly, same. You stayed for almost all of the match, seeing as you’re now sober, but something else happened.” She lulls her head to the side, prompting him, her smile not meeting her eyes. “As soon as the match ended, he tried to make a move on you, he pressed his mouth to yours, he tried to push his hand up your skirt;” his throat bobs with a vicious gulp; despising the thought of anyone else laying a finger on her, “you swatted him away, rightfully so.” 

He pauses a minute, his harsh tone of voice and his sharp face softening. He can see the vulnerability in her eyes, her walls about to crumble. This woman he appreciates so much. “He doesn’t deserve you.”

Smiling melancholically up at him, she brings her hand back to his hair, her fingers carding through the soft curls. His face buries back into her chest just as her voice offers a broken whisper, “I broke it off. I was the one who couldn’t commit this time.” 

And as she lays her head on top of his, her breathing more shallow, resounding in her chest, he dwells over those very words. The way she said them, not to mention the words themselves, hold a myriad of meaning. What could she possibly-

Oh.

The subtext, yes, impeccable. She’s always had a way with implications and subtext, always knowing that the likelihood of him actually picking up on it is little to none. But now, now he’s become trained to her, her way of life, her way of thinking, her way of speaking. This is too good an opportunity to miss. If she means what he thinks she means, ever hopeful, then this is completely unfamiliar territory. 

Gathering all of his courage in one deep breath, he begins to pepper kisses on her skin. The faintest brush of his lips on the tops of her breasts, all that’s available to him with her shirt the way it is. He feels her heart flutter, her breathing stutter, but despite the chemical flush of her chest, he still isn’t quite sure she likes it. Not until he feels her grip on his hair increase, and he glances up to see her head thrown back. Her spine delicately arches against his hand, thrusting her chest further into his face. 

His nimble fingers reach for her buttons, undoing the top two, giving him space enough to find the valley between her breasts. Lathering kisses there, licking the swells of her boobs, his tongue pulsates with the increased thrumming of her heart. The sensation is new, so unbridled, and he doesn’t quite know what to do with the stirring in his loins right about now. That unknowing is only further amplified by the sound that rips from her chest when he involuntarily bites down on the supple flesh. It couldn’t be… a moan?

Sure, he understands the chemistry of it, the reactions that occur in the synapses of the brain, the pheromones and hormones released when one is aroused, but this is all new to him. And, from his embarrassingly basic level of theory, surely that doesn’t start until some more stimulation on other parts of the body commence? Nipples, perhaps something lower down… then again, what does Sherlock know?

Of course it’s an intimate moment, the closest he’s been to a woman before, and maybe that’s why he freezes, stops, and she tugs his head up by his hair, her gentle, pleasured smile with her lips softly parted deepening the look of bewilderment painted onto his face. Her eyes are twinkling, alight with an excitement he hasn’t seen for far too long. 

“What are you doing?” she whispers. 

He shrugs his shoulders with a sudden force, his dressing gown falling off a little. “I don’t know. But now I feel like I read your pining words all wrong.” 

She gasps, a wheezing sound, sucking the air from the room. She smacks his arm gently, muffled by his button-down and dressing gown. “I wasn’t pining! I was saying.”

“Hmm, same difference.” 

Everyone must acquiesce when it comes to Sherlock Holmes. “But no, you didn’t read them wrong at all, but I know you don’t see me that way, you don’t feel things that way.” 

He pauses, his beautiful plump lips pursed, fidgeting on the bed. Brushing her hair off her face reveals the pain she expressed. However, her eyes glued on his, sadness is betrayed in every line of his young, clean-shaven face. His entire bone structure is taking a nosedive. 

“For you, I’ve been feeling everything from hate to love to lust, and I guess that’s how I know I want to hold you close.”

“Sherlock...” she whispers, her singular word an inflection of surprise. 

Never tearing his eyes from her, his hand comes up to her cheek, rubbing his thumb over the slightly blushing skin, searching her face, with his big blue eyes, for a shred of reluctance. But, all he sees is her, so he elects to do what his heart is yelling at him to do for once, and kisses her breathless. His full lips holding hers, his one hand on her face, the other still wrapped around her back. Hers fly around his neck, clinging to him for dear life.

It doesn’t take long, their movements steadily heating, for their previously slow, intimate kiss to grow into something more, Y/N pulling herself up from the bed and making herself comfortable on Sherlock’s lap. His breath hitches in his throat, a cute little hiccupping sound escaping his lips in between embraces. 

As much as he loves just this, soft caressing and gentle petting, he just knows she wants more. He does too, that much is evident from the length prodding at Y/N’s inner thigh as she moves gently on his lap. She won’t make a move, though, he’s too inexperienced, and she’s too much of a sweetheart to corrupt him, so she thinks. Ever since he first saw her, she’s been corrupting him slowly. He didn’t realise at first, but over the years, he began to understand, and now he’s in too deep. 

For Y/N? It’s always been him. Every breakup she’s had, she’ll come to Sherlock’s flat, full well knowing the real reason she broke up with them, because she couldn’t commit, because she was too caught up on him. 

Skimming his hands beneath her shirt, he savours the press of his hands on her bare skin, warmth seeping from her body into his, his fingers dancing along her spine. Electricity shocks her in bursts, unlike anything else, from his touch alone. 

“May I take your shirt off?” he asks. 

“Fuck, yes.” she groans. “May I do yours?”

“Be my guest.”

In a tangle of limbs, a few buttons pop off, and eventually, two shirts make it out the other side, tossed from the bed and into the laundry pile. Aka Sherlock’s floor. He’s like that: sock indexes, yet he won’t get a hamper. A walking contrast.

His thumbs press beneath the band of her bra, savouring the pressure of the flesh that falls into his hands, but that’s as far as he gets. 

“Never undone a bra before?”

He shakes his head sheepishly. “I know the theory. Just… you always wear peculiar ones.”

“I wear relatively normal bras, and this one is certainly bog standard. Had I known you’d be undressing me Mr Detective, I’d have worn something nicer.”

“Just do it for me.” He requests, chuckling. 

She unfastens her bra, and allows her breasts to spill from the cups, into Sherlock’s awaiting hands. The gasp that erupts from him sends Y/N’s brain into overdrive. He’s cupped her chest through her shirt before, buried his nose into her cleavage countless times, but never before have they had such skin on skin contact. Her lips press to his neck, shifting her closer to him. Sucking on his pressure point, she receives a similar gasp in response, only this one is more guttural, more a sound of pleasure than surprise. He’s wilting from a single kiss to his neck. 

“Has no one ever given you a hickey?” She husks in his ear, her voice alone sending tremors down his spine. 

“N- fuck, no.”

“I’ll make it worth it. All of this.”

“I know you will.”

She fuses her lips onto his again, savouring the faint hesitations as he grapples with his breath, eager to get some control on his mind with all that’s happening. Never did she ever think Sherlock would be here beneath her, his rough fingertips brushing over her peaked buds, and his palms dancing over her waist. Never did she think she’d hear him whisper his next words, either, not in a million years. 

“More.” he pleads. “Can we do… more? Whatever that entails?”

“That depends what you want to do.”

“Get me out of these damn trousers. They're rather uncomfortable.”

She snorts lightly, a piggy like sound, the one they bonded over all those years ago. “I can feel why.”

“I imagine you want out of your work trousers, too.”

“God, yes; they’re ghastly.”

“I don’t think so.” he hums. “You look nice.”

Her cheeks begin to burn, blood rushing to colour them, betraying her true feelings, but as he tweaks her nose playfully, the little snort escapes again. 

They were in the dining hall, second week of university, almost ten years ago, and Y/N was sitting with her friends, downing enough coffee to sink a ship, eating her hangover away, when her friends decided to make her laugh with tales of last night's drunken events. Unbeknownst to her, one of the greatest minds of the twenty-first century was sitting just a few seats down on the half-empty bench, watching her perceptively in his periphery. That’s when he first heard the sound. The cutest thing, and it startled him into action, beginning his deductions almost instantly. Admittedly, her student ID on the table aided him a little. 

He shocked her from her haze, too, as soon as he spoke her name. 

“Y/N, eighteen, jurisprudence first year, freshers week over with. You left a boyfriend back home, but you’re more sad about leaving your dog, as I would be. You don’t particularly care about law but know it’s a good undergraduate to receive anyway. Dyed hair, extrovert, killer hangover, and apparently there’s a little piggy living inside your nose. Sherlock Holmes, would you like some aspirin?”

“That’s weird; what are you, some kind of detective?” She asked, sans malice, a playful bounce to her words. 

“Chemistry, going for a masters. But I do like the mystery, yes.”

“So you’re… bright. Nice to meet you, Sherlock, and it seems you know almost everything you need to know about me. But yes, I will take that aspirin, if you don’t mind. How was your weekend?”

He smiled at her, the first true smile he’d given in a long time. “It was nice, thank you.”

And thus a friendship was born, all because he heard her little piggy snort. 

Her slender fingers work wonders with the fastener and zip of his suit trousers, and even manage hers too, all within the space of a few seconds, but Sherlock is reluctant to let her go, even just to get her trousers off. 

“I need to sit up, just for a minute.”

“No.” Sherlock commands, insistent. “We can make this work.”

“Sure we can, but it won’t be very comfortable. Come on.”

She’s barely peeled away from him and wrestled hers off before he’s drawing her back in for a kiss, his trousers settled just above his knees. 

“Sherlock,” she protests, mumbling against his lips, her hands on his heavenly, broad, muscular shoulders. “Sher!”

Her squeal at his sudden tug on her panties disappears, captured by his eager mouth. And in fact, her panties seem to disappear along with it, thanks to Sherlock’s swift movements and nimble hands. Maybe he’s had some experience to be so good at this…

“You sure you wanna go this far?”

“More sure than I’ve ever been. I need you.” 

He takes a deep inhale, dropping his forehead against hers, his breathing coming out in bursts as he tries to get a grasp on the situation. “Kiss me.”

She doesn’t need to be told twice, instantly getting to work on the waistband of his boxers as his tongue lavishes her own. His hips rise briefly, just long enough for her to tug the elasticated material from around him, slipping past her, and then he kicks it into their growing pile of clothes. His length falls into her awaiting palm, and-

“Wow.” She exhales in amazement. “If I’d known you were packing this much, I’d have jumped you long ago.”

“No you wouldn’t.”

“Absolutely not, until tonight I thought you’d just laugh at me.”

He pecks her lips affectionately, “Never. You’re bloody beautiful, I’ll let you do anything to me.”

“Hmm, anything, you say?”

Stifling a chuckle against her neck, he recommences, “Maybe not anything.”

Yeah, that's definitely the right call. Still, she finds herself all but clawing at him, her breath hovering teasingly just over his lips, their noses touching, her hands clamped to his cheeks, feeling the building heat there. She must be making such a mess of his bed right about now, but for one night? It can’t matter.

This is a one time thing, it has to be. Sherlock just needs to release some tension, she just so happens to be there. Still, she can’t prevent the little glimmer of hope shining through at the possibility of this being a more-than-one-time thing. The moral compunctions of their friendship after this don’t matter anymore, because he’s leaving a fire in his wake, his delicious fingertips digging bruisingly into her bum before trailing lightly up her spine, skimming her shoulder, brushing her neck - arched for him to reach where he wants, able to mark her as his own - and finally slipping over her lips, taken obediently by her awaiting mouth. Christ, if there’s one thing she hopes for tonight, it’s that his actions never relent.

Whether it’s what he intends to happen or not, his fingers in her mouth give her an idea, one she prays he goes along with at least a little, so she pulls away. The dirty, telling smile on her face hints at what she’s about to do, lending Sherlock to shift a little more up the bed, his eyes following her every move. Hands splayed on his thighs, her small fingers gripping onto the fine hairs there, she begins to take his tip into her mouth, never once breaking eye contact with him. Yeah, this is what’ll drive him insane. 

Inch by inch, she takes him into the welcoming heat of her mouth, pulling off slowly, only to go down again. She adds her tongue into the mix at some point, too, and her hand, on what she can’t reach, tickling his balls, but further than that, his mind is blank. Hot white, washed with pleasure. The sounds he emits are other worldly, so much that he has to muffle himself with his own hand; what would Mrs Hudson say? He’s always had such control over his mind and body, but this… he’s slowly losing all semblance of control, and he’s not even mad about it. What he does know is that there’s a building heat in his abdomen, a coil about to spring, and his cock is beginning to twitch. If she keeps going this incredible way, her teeth grazing him ever so gently, adding another new sensation into the mix, he’s inexorably going to finish before he can help it.

“As much as I adore your torturous ministrations, I think I need to be inside you…” He husks, his voice deep.

A smirk gracing her lips, she looks up at him through half-lidded eyes, mischief glinting in her pretty little mesmerising eyes for a second, before she hollows her cheeks and takes him wholly, allowing his length to slip partially down her throat. Her moan reverberates around him, and Sherlock begins to thrash above her, scrunching the duvet in his hands, not caring if it creases. If there’s one thing Sherlock hates, it’s creases. And being called a machine by his best friend. Right now, though, it seems as though every misstep in his day has led him here, into the welcoming heat of Y/N’s mouth, taking him so eagerly, her tongue lapping at the vein on the underside of his dick, a string of saliva remaining as she pulls away. 

“I think you’ve got a couple of rounds in you, Mr Detective. Can you do that for me?”

“Y-yes.” He stammers, his head tossed back in pure ecstasy a moment later as she begins to work on the head with kitten licks. “But… can I s- fuck me, say something?”

“I plan on it.” she chuckles, “anything.”

She goes back to peppering kisses all over his member, tip to base, brushing his balls, working her way back up. 

“Touch yourself f- for me.”

“What? Why?” 

Her tone is more inquisitive than anything else, but upon that playfully rueful look in his lust-darkened baby blue eyes, she knows he’s going to get her back for this little display, and he’s just worked out how. It works both ways, she can prepare herself for what’s to come next while pleasuring him. And he gets to watch. It’s a win-win for him. Maybe he likes this sex thing a little more than he’s letting on. 

“Are you sure you want me to? I’ll just make a mess on your sheets, Sher.”

She swallows him again, bobbing her head up and down on his length a few times while he grapples with literal reality. He’s teetering on the edge. One more move, and he’s a goner. His head is already against the wall, lolled there. 

“I don’t care about the sheets, darling, I need you ready for me.”

She gulps, nods, and reaches one hand around her, skimming over her stomach, until it nestles between her thighs. She rubs her thumb over his tip, collecting the pre-come beading there, while she rubs over her throbbing pearl, pressing softly. Then, as she inches down on his cock, taking him in her mouth, she also collects the slick from between her thighs, and uses it as a lube to push a finger inside herself. Of all the times she’s touched herself, she never imagined, even in her wild Sherlock fantasies, that she’d be doing it with his dick down her throat. With every bob of her head, she scissors herself more, sinking back onto her fingers. 

“I think I’m-” Sherlock begins to say, his words cut off by an utterly obscene moan splitting the air. 

She hastily abandons her one post, and wraps both of her hands around his girth, working on what she can’t fit into her mouth with her increased speed, licking and suckling his head as he begins to fall apart, coming, with a scream, down her throat, his one hand clamped over his mouth, biting down harshly to silence his cries; the other buried in her hair. 

His whole body falls lax, completely spent, meanwhile, Y/N savours every drop she’s been able to draw from him. He softens in her mouth, allowing her change to slip away from him, grasping a tissue from the bedside to wipe away any excess. That’s certainly something she never thought would happen… 

He’s calm, though, smiling lazily through hooded eyes, his breathing regulated once more, making beckoning motions to her with his big hands. He’s placated, though, and sliding her hands into his, she’s allowed time enough to get into place, smiling softly at him, raking her fingers over his scalp in a comforting way. Even as she sits herself on his lap, she can feel him hardening beneath her ass, slowly but surely. She was right about him, he’s definitely got another round in him. 

“Do you have a condom?” he asks. 

“No, sweetheart, they’re in my other bag. I didn’t plan on getting any for a while… do you?”

“Not in here, that I’m aware of. John may have stashed some in my less favoured dressing gowns or socks, and he definitely has some upstairs, but I’m unawares.”

“I’m gonna sound crazy here, but do we need one?” She says hesitantly. His eyes widen, he cocks his head to the side. “I was tested after my last partner, I’m clean, and on birth control. You’re a virgin. There’s no point, is there?”

“You have a considerably good point.”

With that, energy rejuvenated a little, he wraps an arm around her body, flipping them over so he’s on top, shadowing her, looming over her, gazing down at every inch of her naked beauty.

“Take your time. I’ll be your safety.”

“I know.” he whispers, a tearful smile making its way onto her face. “Thank you.”

He needn’t say more, because she already knows why she’s being thanked. For her kindness, for making him so comfortable, for accepting the fact he’s still a virgin in his late twenties and, if he’s being honest, has no damn clue what the practicality and reality of sex is. Sure, he’s seen porn. He’s also looked at John’s laptop. But that doesn’t prepare one for when the moment comes. It’s like all of that goes out the window, and he simply remembers the first time he opened a biology textbook at secondary school, pictures of flushed organs staring back at him, desperately waiting to be relieved. That’s what his own coock is like right now, already hard again, virtually pulsating with hunger in his palm. He strokes himself a couple of times, glancing down at Y/N’s wide eyes.

“Are you okay? Can I…”

“Yes, Sherlock,” she chuckles, “whenever you’re ready.”

Now, he thinks. He rubs two digits through her folds, gathering her wetness, enamoured with the way it glistens on his fingertips. Tentatively, he brings his fingers up to his mouth, swirling his tongue around them to get a taste. Eyes rolling into the back of his head, he moans. She’s better than any cup of tea he’s ever had. 

His cock slaps against his lower stomach pleadingly, so he grasps it in his hand, and begins to enter her, pushing gently, feeling every flutter of her walls. Her arms fly out, hands grasping his shoulders, nails leaving crescent moons in their wake at the delicious stretch. It’s nothing like they’ve ever felt before. 

“Can I move?” He asks, balls deep inside her, their pelvises flush against one another. 

“Please.” She all but begs. 

Before doing anything else, Sherlock hooks one strong arm around her body, malleable in his hands, and holds her chest against his. Her breasts push into his skin, her nipples gaining friction from the dusting of hair there. Her one hand cups his slender neck, the other, his sharp cheek. Their eyes meet in a fierce gaze of burning intensity, and he begins to move. Slow, calculated, sharp thrusts punctuate her core. With every heavenly stroke, he can feel the ridges in her velvet walls, squeezing around him unwittingly.

“Jesus,” she cries, her clutch increasing. 

“Hmm, not quite.”

The smirk in his words is quite literally audible. He’s so cocky, so full of himself, and fuck if she can’t feel another gush of arousal coursing through her, drenching his cock. How does he manage to be so attractive when he’s so dishevelled?

“Is that good?” He asks, unsure.

“So good.”

She brings her legs up, skimming the clenched backs of his thighs, until they wrap around him, drawing his hips into her at a new and improved angle. Heels digging into the base of his spine, he begins to move with a new purpose, his thrusts more passionate as his breath is drained from him by her kisses, his eyes alight with a new flame. 

“Oh my God, Sherlock.” She pants, pulling him in for a kiss he greedily returns. 

He drives his hips deeper, squeezing his fingertips into her supple waist bruisingly. It’ll be a mark that she belonged to him once, even just for one night. That’s when he reaches that special spongy spot that makes her entire body buckle. She all but screams, pressing into him wholly. 

The coil is building, ready to break. He seems to be nearing the edge, too, his member twitching inside her when he buries himself particularly deep. She’s oh so fucking close… She licks into his mouth filthily, desperately clashing her teeth with his, eager for his kisses to tide her over. Silence her. Shifting his supporting hand, he trails one dextrous finger around to circle her clit, adding the faintest pressure for a moment. She mewls as he groans into her hot skin, clawing at him, entirely at his whim. Now he knows where to press, he settled his grip back around her, and draws her in close. This time around, he bends his knees a little more to measure his movements more carefully, ensuring that he ruts up and brushes her sensitive bud with his pelvis, helped by the extra friction of his neatly trimmed pubic hair on every thrust within her, his tip just scraping her g-spot.

“I- Sherlock, please tell me you’re- oh sweet mercy- close.”

He grunts softly in her ear. “So close.”

Their lips meet tenderly, passionately, in what they acknowledge to be a final kiss, moans mixing between them, savoured by the other. 

His thighs clench, her legs tighten around his waist, and finally, her sweet walls flutter, squeezing him as she reaches her climax, his not following long after, spilling inside her, painting her soft walls white, marking her. 

“Y/N,” he cries in ecstasy as his orgasm reaches him. “Sher…” she repeats, her saving grace as pleasure washes over her entirely. 

Their whole bodies wind up pressed together, bound together as one, skin on skin completely, becoming one another. 

He lets her down gently, unravelling his grip, unsurprised when their sweaty skin sticks together. Her long legs unfurl, splaying in a butterfly. Sherlock tumbles ungracefully away, somehow landing with a certain gangly elegance on the space of mattress beside her, his arm instinctively flying over to place on her stomach, the skin hot and flushed red. Her chest moves hastily up and down with the thrumming of her heart, while his barely shifts despite his shallow breaths, his white skin glistening in the moonlight. 

“Are you okay?” He huffs, turning on his side. “You look pretty fucked out.”

His baby blue eyes train instantly on her nipples, hard in the open air. This is the first notifier, the first inkling she has to feel self conscious, so she draws the sheet up around her as best as she can. Sherlock’s not having any of it, taking a stronghold on her arms, and pulling her until she’s lying on him, naught to separate them. 

“I’ve never been this close to anyone physically and y'know.” He hums tiredly. She’s never heard him sound tired before… 

She smiles up at him as best she can, “Are you glad?” 

He begins to hold her ever closer, squeezing her tighter, feeling every ridge of her body. 

“I’m so glad that you were my first, in so many ways.” 

Praise from Sherlock is a rarity, and she’ll take it as and when she can, savouring every moment, this time by holding him like a koala, her grip not wavering. 

“I’m glad too, Mr Detective.”

He brushes a kiss to her cheek, “As much as I like this, we need to get you cleaned up.” 

A supporting arm beneath her bum, he picks her up, and unsteadily ambles into the bathroom. 

“I don’t know much about this, but I know you should probably use the toilet, should you want to avoid a UTI, so if you’d like me to leave…”

He sets her down on the loo seat, cupping his hands over his nether regions, and he hurries to grasp for things, until she puts her hand on his arm, squeezing in a conciliatory manner. 

“You do remember the camping trip, don’t you? You really don’t have to leave just because I have to pee, you never did before. In fact, you frequently annoyed me with it if you had a particular point to make, steadfastly refusing to leave the bathroom after following me in there when I went to pee. Why does this change anything?”

He shrugs, dropping whatever was in his arms, “It just doesn’t feel the same now, though.”

“Ooo, and now Mr Detective feels things.” She jokes, poking at his ribs. 

He recoils, chuckling with her, “Only for you.”

As Y/N washes her hand, Sherlock begins to wrangle with a floorboard, clattering about until he eventually pulls out a small lock box, from which he withdraws a packet of brand new marks-and-spencer's ladies briefs. 

“Why the fuck do you have these? Anything you wanna tell me?” she asks, eyes wide.

“John’s idea. He has plenty of girls over here who frequently stay the night, simply a precautionary error.” He takes a beat, gargling with some mouthwash, “they’re clean, new, I just don’t like the idea of you in dirty underwear, and I know how reluctant you are to go without them whenever you’re not in your own bed. I stayed with you enough nights in university to know that.”

Those nights were awfully painful. She’d take the floor, he’d take the bed, and every time she’d have to wash the sheets. He’d sweat and vomit, shake and cry, plead for the pain to be over. He wouldn’t go to hospital, he wouldn’t call his brother, he’d just turn up on her doorstep, high as a kite, almost in tears, knowing he’d gone a little too far. And each time, it was a little farther. 

“Thank you, Sherlock.” 

She takes them from him, and begins to shimmy them up her legs, only prevented by Sherlock moving to grab a handful of her arse. 

“Hmm, I like this. Fancy another round?” He smirks. 

“I’m too tired, babe. Give me a bit.” 

He can see the lazy smile on her face, the tiredness in her pretty eyes, so he wets a flannel, and begins to clean her up with gentle movements between tender kisses.

“How do you know how to do all of this?” She asks, inquisitive more than anything. 

“Instinct, I suppose. I never read or learned about it, seeing as I never thought it would happen.” 

She snaps the waistband before moving her hands to his waist, leaning up onto her toes to reach him, kissing her softly. 

“Look at you now.”

After brushing their teeth in an amicable silence, their pinky fingers overlapping on the porcelain of the sink, he aids her back to the bedroom, settling her on the bed. She has things here: deodorant, toothbrush, moisturiser, and yet somehow she doesn’t have underwear, even after all these years. Perhaps that's one too many things to explain… 

With superfluous extravagance, he throws her his shirt, offering her a wry wink. She finds a blush clawing its way onto her cheeks, dumbfounded. It smells like him, just like a forest glade if it was rained on by tea and cigarettes. Maybe he’ll let her keep it as a memory.

In such a short amount of time, she’s learnt that he has a very sensitive neck. Very. A single kiss there has him biting back a moan. A low one at that, considering his deep voice also drops almost an octave when he’s aroused. His nipples are almost as sensitive as his neck, and he rather likes it when she tugs on them unwittingly. 

His first orgasm comes quickly, but his refractory period is astonishing, and it takes longer to achieve a second high, long enough to make her come more than once, she assumes, though her first orgasm was mind blowing enough for two. Perhaps that’s just because it’s his first time, but it’s impressive nonetheless.

What’s the point in learning all of this if, once he comes around from his post-orgasmic haze, he’ll pretend like it never happened, in typical Sherlock style?

The shirt, though a small gesture, means a lot, and her vision begins to cloud as she looks down at the black cotton. 

“You mean you want me to stay?” She croaks.

Sherlock turns to her from his set of drawers, his face full of apparent obviousness, brows furrowed in that cute bewildered way. 

“Of course I want you to stay.” He states, like it’s the plainest thing in the world, like it’s stupid for her to even ask. But she’s silent, and when she says nothing in response, he launches into a long winded explanation: don’t show sentiment. “I- I just mean, i-it’s midnight, I’m not having you out in London alone. You stay with me. Only if you want to as well...” 

She nods eagerly, “Yes. Yeah, course I want to stay.”

He all but leaps access the room, jumping onto the bed, before planting a proper smooch on her lips, grinning down at her. He slips into his usual side of the bed, and she takes hers, rolling to look at him.

“Don’t get cold.” He warns, tucking the duvet up around her shoulders. She giggles like a child, that small snort sounding again, prompting Sherlock to press his thumb to her nose like a button. “How are you… feeling?”

“I’m fine bub, really. That bloke doesn’t matter to me at all. Bit of a scumbag if I’m honest. You’re the one I’m with, the one I wanna talk about. How are you feeling? Must’ve been a pretty big blow up with John for you to call me and be so... teary.”

He sighs, crestfallen, “He called me a machine.”

Her gasp pierces the air, her hand flying to his hair, stroking in consolation, cooing senseless reassurances to him. She’s done this innumerable times, but now it feels different, like there’s no barrier. 

“He’s done it so many times that it needn’t bother me anymore, but the way he looked at me, like I was this abhorrent monster, especially after the day and the disappointing case we had, it got to me. I hate having feelings.”

“You don’t have to hide them with me, though.”

He hums gently, burying into her chest. “I know. That’s why I treasure you so dearly.”

“That means you also have to trust me, and you’re not going to like what I have to say.” His chest heaves, shifting her whole body. That’s his way of giving in. “Please just talk to John. You know that whenever he leaves, he’ll come back, and try to pretend it never happened. He needs to know you’re human and that he upset you, but also that the case upset you as well. No one’s superhuman, and once you let John in on the fact that you’re not a machine, things between you will be so much easier, because you might agree for once.”

“I suppose you’re right.” He grumbles. 

He pulls her into his warmth, hooking her leg around his as he snakes his arms around her back, breathing deeply from the crook of her shoulder. She begins to pepper kisses on his salty skin, savouring the taste with every small swipe of her tongue.

“Your heart’s against my chest, your lips pressed to my neck,” he breaks off with a faint whimper when she sucks a little harder, “I’m falling for your eyes, but they don’t know me yet.”

“Of course they do,” she whispers brokenly, hoarsely, “they’ve always known you.” She swallows thickly, “Does that mean it’s a feeling you’ll forget?”

“No, I don’t think I ever can.”

The silent words that pass between them both are so special, too special to be spoken aloud. ‘Think I’m in love now.’

“Kiss me like you wanna be loved.” He begs. 

And really, who is Y/N to deny him? They just stay that way a little while, revelling in their lazy kisses, until she begins to fall asleep. It isn’t the first time she’s fallen asleep in his bed, not by any means, but it’s the first time she’s fallen asleep in his arms. She isn’t mad about it.

“Settle down with me, cover me up, cuddle me in. You were made to keep my body warm.” She smiles into her words, and embeds herself into him, entirely covered by the duvet, spattered in his kisses, safe in his arms. Sherlock feels safe with her legs around him, her fingers in his curls, holding himself against her. Amicable silence is how they drift off, Peaceful.

John re-enters 221B at a respectable hour. He got a fair amount of sleep on Greg’s sofa, having no girlfriend in the picture right now, but not enough to deal with Sherlock just yet. Not before his coffee. He expects to see Sherlock sitting in the exact same spot as when he left, perhaps just with a refill of tea, his fingers still steepled beneath his chin, eyes closed yet wide awake. Instead, he arrives at a seemingly empty, considerably clean flat, with no Sherlock in sight. Perhaps the unsleeping man must actually be asleep, he thinks, so he quietens down, and toes off his shoes before wandering farther into the flat. Even if the man does piss him off extraordinary amounts, perhaps he should just check he’s okay…

He gives the bedroom door a quiet rap, listening in momentarily before pushing it open. Frankly, he’d rather have found Sherlock with a cigarette in hand and the whole flat torn to shreds for the level of surprise he gets upon reaching the bed. His first idea is to scream bloody murder, but that might annoy Mrs Hudson, and upon stepping closer, even in the sliver of daylight through the curtains, he sees the duvet riding down a little. The last thing in the world he ever thought he’d see: Sherlock in naught but boxers pressed against a half naked woman, his palm splayed on her bare thigh. Sherlock? Spooning? It seems so, his entire body pressed to this woman. John feels himself go rigid, his feet glued to the floor, his gaze unmoving from shock. 

It takes his phone to buzz in his pocket to get him moving, and when he does, all he tries to do is balance precariously on his tip toes in a wry attempt to get a birds-eye view of the whole thing. He’s not disappointed, or disturbed, once he does, though, his army agility proving useful. Sherlock’s hand is holding her, fingers entwined, just next to her chest. He wonders how comfortable it is, but if they’re staying this way, it can’t be too bad. Maybe all Sherlock needed to loosen up was a good shag. 

She’s wearing his shirt, too; Sherlock’s black dress shirt from the previous day. And Sherlock? He never seeps in anything less than a full set of pyjamas, he’s weird like that . 

This girl begins to stir, her lips parting gently, small hums escaping. Next, her eyelids flutter, and her hair shifts on the pillow. He didn’t make any noise, did he? John was specifically careful not to, just in case. He doesn’t fancy Sherlock’s wrath just yet. 

One eye opens, and she whispers, almost incoherently, “Hi John.”

How she knows his name and who he is, he’s not at all sure, because he doesn’t think he’s ever seen this face in his life. The hair is familiar, and maybe, if she were more awake, he’d recognise her smile, but he’s never seen a woman in Sherlock’s company beside Molly Hooper. Speaking of… 

Before he can even say anything, though, before he can ask who she is or if she wants tea or if she date-raped his roommate, she’s mumbling, and detaching her hand from Sherlock’s, rolling over. Dumbfounded, John just stands there and watches her cuddle into Sherlock’s chest, her arms wrapping around his torso like second nature. Even in his sleep, not consciously thinking about his actions, he grips her back - one hand resting just above her bum, and buries his nose into her neck.

John can’t help but smile to himself. Maybe their fight was for the best if Sherlock now has a girlfriend, someone he turned to for solace. So, he grasps for the top of the duvet and pulls it up over both of their figures, reaching their shoulders, and leaves, staring wistfully for a brief moment at the seemingly happy couple. 

The weight of the duvet of what startles Sherlock, though, stirring him a little, inviting him to him against Y/N’s skin, smiling with eyes barely open. This is really nice, he thinks to himself, not waking up alone. 

She smiles back blearily, and in her morning voice, whispers to him, “Kiss me Mr Detective.”

[buggiesbuzzing]

First Dates with The BAU

• It took absolutely forever for Rossi to ask you out — he only came to his senses after Hotchner cornered him.

DAVID ROSSI

• Both of you are BAU agents and you had only been on the team for a few months; Aaron started to see Dave get distracted by you and he finally confronted him about it.

• David invited you over to his place for dinner and a movie, and honestly when he asked you over, you nearly fainted.

• You arrived 15 minutes early, so you ended up sitting in your car giving yourself a pep talk until it was exactly 6:30, which was the time agreed upon.

• When he opened the door, he was speechless.

• You were dressed like you'd been going to a charity ball. You were absolutely dazzling.

• He didn't hesitate to step aside and let you into his home.

• The smells. The warmth. Everything felt like something out of a dream.

• Rossi told you stories and charming jokes over dinner; he made you his favorite meal, carbonara.

• The evening was going really well and your face had started to ache from how much you'd been smiling.

• Overall the night felt like a dream, other than the fact that you'd drank a bit too much wine when you were trying ease your nerves.

• Rossi ended up snatched your keys and gave you a pair of pajamas to change into.

• He'd picked out some classic Italian film for you guys to watch after your meal, and you snuggled up to Dave's side to watch it.

• After the movie, he led you to a guest room in his self-proclaimed mansion and got you into bed before saying goodnight and leaving.

• Unbeknownst to you, he checked in on you every half hour for the next 3 hours before passing out in his own room a couple doors down from the one you were in.

• You woke up the next morning to Dave with a cup of coffee and an over the counter pain pill.

• Dave gave you back your keys and said his goodbyes before letting you head off to work.

• You always had a go bag stashed in your car, so you didn't bother driving home, and you headed off to Quantico.

• When you had gotten into work, Derek approached you, but before he could say anything about your sunglasses or your clearly disheveled appearance, you held your hand up to silence him and scuttled to the bathroom, go bag in hand and dreading all the questions you'd be asked today.

• Aaron had met you during a case, seeing as your brother was their unsub.

AARON HOTCHNER

• You instantly felt a connection when he first spoke to you, but didn't act on it until nearly 6 months after the case was closed.

• Agent Hotchner gave you his personal number if you'd ever needed to talk and one day, you took advantage of that.

• It was the anniversary of your brother being put in prison and you were exceptionally emotional - which ended up in a sad and tipsy call to the agent.

• Aaron's day was just going to be dedicated to paperwork from his latest case, but he decided he'd get to it another time.

• You were a hot mess when Hotchner arrived, but you couldn't bring yourself to get off of the couch and fix yourself up.

• He quickly picked up on what you were going through; a few cans of fruity flavored beer were semi-crushed and sitting on your coffee table along with a pint of sugary sweet ice cream and what looked like a nest of blankets was piled up on your couch.

• He easily made his way through your apartment since he'd been there before and got you a glass of water to try and help sober you up.

• He talked you through your tears and pain, all while making sure you were well taken care of.

• Before you realized it, it was 5pm and Aaron was still sitting beside you on your couch.

• For the last few minutes, you'd been watching some old kids shows in silence; it was just something that helped you calm down and he was actually enjoying the time he'd spent with you.

• You got up from the dent in the couch that you'd been wallowing in and stretched.

• There was no way you were going to cook tonight, so you ordered a couple of large pizzas to be delivered.

• Both of you had eaten pizza and you chattered about some whacked out theory about the show Rugrats, while Aaron just listened and made sure you were distracted from whatever turmoil that your brothers villainy had caused.

• When the day was over and Aaron was ready to return home to his son, he gave you a card for a support group that he thought would benefit you.

• And that's where you expected it to end; after all this was just him doing his job, right?

• Wrong.

• He showed a kind of bashfulness that you absolutely did not expect from the stern man, and he asked if he could take you out on an actual date.

• Obviously, you said yes.

• Your first date wasn't ideal, but, both of you enjoyed your time together.

DEREK MORGAN

• Derek went to a club with Penelope and Emily when he first met you and right off the bat he was into you.

• You started talking and instantly clicked — unfortunately, he couldn't spend the night with you due to being called into work, but you set up a date to see each other again, then you exchanged numbers and he disappeared.

• The first few times you'd try to go out on a proper date with him, he'd keep getting called into work beforehand, so he'd have to take a rain check.

• Finally, he was actually free for a night and you invited him over to your apartment for dinner and some drinks.

• He arrived only seconds after the clock struck 5PM and god you were awestruck as soon as you seen him.

• This man made you question how clothes could be tight and yet, still seem loose.

• Happily, you let him into your home which had a warm glow and atmosphere; your lights were dimmed, soft music was playing throughout the house, the delicious scent of food being cooked was in the air — it was amazing.

• You made an array of drinks for the both of you and conversed about anything either of you could think of.

• Derek charmed his way into dancing around the room with you before you'd have to take the food you were cooking off the heat.

• Dinner was about the same; the male joked and chattered, throwing out compliments here and there.

• The night seemed perfect, you even got in a couple of smooches — and then his phone started ringing.

• You understood when he had to leave, which was around 10PM.

• He promised he'd make it up to you and take a full vacation day for you, so you could have a date night at his place next.

JENNIFER JAREAU

• Originally, the plan was for you to be Henry's caretaker while JJ was working — though it deviated sometime after about 6 months of being employed by her.

• You had major crush on your boss, and sometimes, it felt like she was in the same situation; though you doubted it.

• One night before tucking Henry in for bed, he said he wanted to tell you a secret.

• “Mommy really likes you. . .”

• That simple phrase made butterflies become trapped in your stomach, but you tried to push them down.

• “I really like her too. . .”

• It felt good to actually say it.

• Now, confiding in a little kid about you liking their mom wasn't too wise; the secret wasn't kept for more than a week.

• Jennifer approached you one night after she'd came home from work — Henry was already asleep in his room and you were doing coursework for college when she asked to have dinner with you tomorrow night.

• You didn't even hesitate to accept her invitation.

• The place wasn't very fancy, but that was 100% fine with you.

• It was a small 24 hour diner outside of town that had the best breakfast that you'd ever eaten.

• The two of you chattered about how Henry's fine motor skills and how his speech was developing, and how your classes were going.

• The night was perfect, she even went out of her way to drive yourself to your place — even though she insisted you stay at hers because it was rather late, but you needed to get some housework done, and chose to go home.

• That night, you spent nearly an hour thinking about the date before passing out.

SPENCER REID

• The good doctor met you during a case not too far off from Quantico.

• You were doing an hands on internship with a medical examiner and Dr. Reid happened to come by to get autopsy details and the toxicology report from a recent string of homicides that the BAU was investigating.

• Almost instantly, he struck something in you and you couldn't keep your eyes off of him.

• The way he spoke so factually on the unusual way that this ‘unsub’ tortured his victims before they succumbed to death, just made you more interested in the supposed genius.

• Sooner than you'd hoped, the BAU wrapped their case up and you were in fear that the chance to actually talk to Spencer was about to slip between your fingers.

• That was until Spencer and Agent Rossi came in one last time.

• You swallowed the nervousness bubbling inside of you and quickly asked him for his number.

• To your surprise, he actually gave it to you rather quickly.

• He was just as entranced with you as you were with him.

• One night, you'd gotten off early and decided to invite Spencer over to your apartment.

• You'd fixed up a simple meal for the two of you and make sure your apartment was in tip-top shape.

• When he arrived, you were in awe. He was dressed up in a suit, which wasn't far from what you'd first seen him in, however he was glowing.

• He looked like he'd slept pretty well, he was donning a soft smile and holding out a small bouquet made up of red carnations, yellow jasmine flowers, and multicolored hibiscuses. They complimented each other well.

• You, of course, gracefully accepted the bouquet and welcomed him into your home, situating the flowers in an elegant vase at the table.

• You and Spencer spent the night talking about anything and everything; you found his knowledge fascinating and beautiful.

• The date ended in you both passing out intertwined in each others limbs on the couch while a cheesy rom-com played out on the TV.

EMILY PRENTISS

• Emily first seen you while you were doing an interview with Hotchner to join the BAU.

• The agents of the BAU sat, staring into the office as you smiled sweetly and spoke to Hotchner about your experience in criminal psychology and communications, and thus far he seemed intrigued.

• It was almost instantly that Emily was enamored; you were just too beautiful for her to ignore.

• About half an hour later, you and Hotch exited the office, he shook your hand with a look of accomplishment on both of your faces.

• With a loud clearing of his throat, any remaining agents or passerbys turned their attention to the head agent as he prepared to make an announcement.

• Applause erupted as your eyes scanned the room, landing on the black haired beauty that was SSA Emily Prentiss.

• “Will you please welcome our new agent, Y/n L/n, to the BAU.”

• You situated your new desk with the few belongings that you'd had in your bag.

• The work day was coming to an end while other agents put away any remaining paperwork that they'd been working on and out of the corner of your eye, you spotted the pretty agent from before approaching your desk.

• Obviously, you agreed and headed out with the rest of the group.

• “Hey, a few of us were going out to get drinks, and we were wondering if you'd like to come with us to celebrate you joining the BAU?”

• Agent Hotchner bought the first round of celebration drinks and made a toast in honor of their new agent.

• Not too long after the toast, Emily sat beside you and formally introduced herself before making conversation.

• The two of you spent the night learning about each other and talking about what your job may entail.

• After a while, and about 4 drinks, you were taking a cab with her back to her place.

• She insisted that you spend the night at her place and meet her cat, Sergio, and you agreed.

• The rest of the night was fuzzy, but you woke up in a bed that was unfamiliar with a cat laying on top of you and the smell of pancakes and bacon filling your nostrils.

• You carefully moved, the cat hopping off once he'd realized you woke up.

• Gently, you walked to the kitchen to find Emily cooking breakfest looking lively as ever.

• “Good morning, hotcakes.”

• With a nervous chuckle, you awkwardly asked if anything had happened between the two of you the night prior.

• “Oh heavens, no; we were both much too drunk. I slept on the couch.”

• A huge sigh of relief came from you as Emily sat a plate of food in front of you along with a couple asprin and a coffee.

• You thanked her for her kindness, but she waved it off with a pink tint rising to her cheeks and ears.

• You ate breakfast and headed to work together.

• Once you entered the BAU, SSA Morgan began wiggling his brows at Emily, earning a playful punch to the shoulder.

PENELOPE GARCIA

• You first met the effervescent Penelope Garcia when SSA Derek Morgan came into the ER with some minor injuries due to their latest mission; she, of course, was freaking out.

• “What if he's really hurt? Or — or —”

• She enveloped you in a hug, thanking you for your effort to calm her down, and you hugged her back with a comforting squeeze.

• “Don't worry, Miss Garcia, he only has some scrapes and bruises, he'll be back to normal before you know it. We're just making sure that he gets the proper care he needs before he can return to work.”

• After guiding her through some simple breathing exercises, her heart rate began to lower.

• Only moments passed before Derek came out with a smile and they had a small chat, which included Penelope scolding him for being reckless.

• Savannah came and picked Derek up, leaving you and Penelope alone in the empty waiting room.

• “Hey, so Miss nurse - sorry I didn't get your name. . .”

• “Well, Miss L/n, would you perhaps like to go out and get a drink with me, sometime?”

• “It's Y/n, Y/n L/n.”

• And with that, you got her number and met her the next week at a high end restaurant.

• You brought her some assorted roses and made sure the meal was paid for, although she tried to pay you, but you told her not to worry about it.

• You spent the night listening her speak about the things she was passionate about.

• Unfortunately, about half an hour passed by before you'd gotten called back in by the hospital.

• You drove Penelope to her apartment and gave her a kiss on the cheek.

• “I really enjoyed tonight, Penelope.”

• “I did too, Y/n, but next time I'm paying the bill.”

• She giggled and gave you a quick smooch before shuffling into the apartment, leaving you flushed as you headed back to work.

• “So there's going to be a next time?”

tags :: @wordvomit-foryourmind

[bitchinbarzal]

VALENTINES DAY PROMPT LIST 💌

it’s the month of love 🤍💌

this prompt list has the same rules as normal, if you’re not familiar please recap below;

when requesting please send in the full prompt and not just the number. this makes it easier for me, the writer. if you don’t do this and just send the number your request will be deleted no questions asked.

you can find my list of who I write for here 💌👼🏼

1. “I used to hate this holiday a much before I met you”

2. cheesy valentines proposal

3. "I knew these were your favorite flowers, so I had to get them for you"

4. "I don't need anything material, I just want a whole day to have you by my side and celebrate our love"

5. "really can't think of anything more romantic than officially dating my favorite person on this day"

6. “She’s my tiny valentines!”

7. “He’s my tiny valentines!”

8. "I haven't gotten a valentine's card since elementary school, but wow, this was my first real one"

9. Valentine’s Day baby

10. "I love you so much for this but I am not cleaning up all these scattered petals later"

11. "is proposing on this day a bit too cheesy? look at the ring I got them, though"

12. "it's my first time having someone to celebrate valentine's day with. that makes it extra special!"

13. "in my defense, they didn't have a smaller teddy bear in stock. hope you have some space in your bedroom"

14. " promise it's a nice thing. just close your eyes and don't cheat!"

15. "it's so nice being able to call you my valentine"

16. "valentine's cards aren't outdated, right? it's something everywould would like to receive, right?"

17. "good morning! do you know what day it is today? no? well, guess you're in for a surprise, then"

18. "yes. yes, I'II be your valentine!"

19. "have the people who make these cheesy movies seen how real people spend valentine's day?"

20. "if we're gonna pretend to be a couple, you need to let me get you a bouquet at least. it's february 14th!"

21. "It's Valentines day today?"

22. "I made dinner reservations." "So did I. Surprise?"

23. "Supri- oh shit you're not [name]?

24. "There are flowers on the doorstep." “Who from?" "I think that you have a secret admirer."

25. "So is that a yes?"

26. "Hey, the movies made this look so easy!"

27. "You told me you wanted cliche, so I got you a teddy bear."

28. 'Im sorry, but have you ever looked in a mirror?'

29. Post-it-notes

30. “I’ve been trying to get ready for like an hour and a half, because I know you're going to look so good and I need to try and match up."

31. "Your lips are really warm."

32. "Why are you holding a blindfold?"

33. "This isn't how I pictured our first Valentine's day."

34. "You don't think you went maybe a bit overboard?"

35. "This reminded me of you."

36. "| never thought driving around could be romantic"

37. "do you love me or chocolate more?"

38. "Will you be my Valentine...forever"

39. "hi, my love."

40. "come on, we're going to be late!"

41. "you're so prettv..."

42. "well don't you look nice."

43. "how did you manage to do all of this?"

44. "whatever you want, it's yours."

45. "i must have done something amazing to deserve someone like you."

46. "you made this?"

47. ” this our what? third year celebrating together?"

48. "you're beautiful."

49. " know you don't like chocolate so...i have enough conversation hearts to last us three months."

50. "you guys make me sick."

51. "we get it. you're in love. go make out over there or something..."

52. "be my valentine?"

53. "if you don't hurry up and ask them out, i will”

54. Taking your daughter on her first valentines date

55. "Wanna get a coffee with me?"

56. "Have dinner with me. Tonight."

57. "Do you want your present or not?"

58. "I guess we'll just have to share the bed."

59. "Come over here and kiss me."

60. "Don't tempt me."

61. "Admit it, there's something between us."

62. "I'm your secret admirer."

63. "Don't give me that look."

64. "Wait. Is this a date?"

65. "Wanna bet on it?"

66. "Come on... you know you want me."

67. "I need to tell you something."

68. "Can I kiss you?"

69. "Something tells me that you have a crush on me."

70. "You know you can't resist me."

71. "How can someone be so hot yet so clueless?"

72. "Any excuse to get me to undress, huh?"

73. "I'm in love you with you, you idiot!"

74. "In your dreams, darling."

75. "You know I'm a romantic at heart."

76. "This is the best day ever."

77. "You scrub up pretty well."

78. "Hey! You're on my side of the bed."

79. "I have a surprise for you."

80. "See? I can play nice sometimes."

81. "Please, don't leave."

82. "I don't believe you."

83. "I'm not going anywhere, don't worry."

84. "Will you please just talk to me?"

85. "I didn't mean to upset you."

86. "Don't think I haven't noticed how you look at me."

87. "You're obviously in love with me."

88. "I think you're my favourite person in the entire world."

89. "Damn, you look incredible."

90. "Let's get you out of those wet clothes."

91. "This is… unexpected."

92. "Have you told anyone about us?"

93. "Let's make it official."

94. "Are you wearing a suit?"

95. "Your boyfriend/girlfriend/partner doesn't need to know about this."

[pbandjesse]

I'm walking in the woods right now. I'm on my way back to my building from riding horses which was fun but now my allergies are going crazy. I've decided that even though it's 8:00 I'm going to go home. I would like to take a shower and sleep in my own bed. Because while I love sleeping in the hammock I think being home has become a little bit more important to me this year. But today was a pretty good day overall even if I'm still pretty sore and I was very nauseous for a lot of it.

I slept okay last night. I did not get enough sleep for some reason. I don't even remember not falling asleep early last night I just didn't sleep good. And when I woke up it was 6:30 and I didn't need to be awake yet but I was and for some reason when I get to lay in bed for a half an hour just being awake I tend to feel better when my alarm does finally go off. And beyond being nauseous this held true.

I left for work and was in a pretty good mood. I had a nice drive and got here before 8:00. There wasn't a lot for me to do today. Like set up-wise. I had done a really good job of getting everything ready already So I just made sure everything was clean and then I went for a little walk. I went to talk to Chris and make sure that buying adhesive at home Depot would be a reimbursed. And he said it was fine. So I will do that either tomorrow or Saturday. And then I just did a little walk around camp until I went back to the art building where I hung out in the hammock inside.

I was already really nauseous but I was also very anxious. Specifically about my hammock. Anton is a very great help but he loves laying in the inside hammock and I want to lay on the inside hammock so I put a wash on my stuffed animals in it and my book and hoped that if he came while I was walking to the nurse that he would not be inside of it but he ended up not coming today. So it was fine. But my anxiety was still very high.

I was going to work today working on my blanket. All 12 rows are completed and now they are sewed together in pairs. And tomorrow I hope to work on sewing the Paris together. And so far Louisa has been a huge help making sure that none of my pairs or rose were incorrect. We laid them all out and made sure and pinned and put notes on things so that things were being laid and sewn in the right direction and it was nice.

And the kids today made pretty good artwork. They were mostly on time which was surprising. And we didn't have any like great masterpieces today. Not to say they weren't wonderful but none like blew me out of the water. I think some of the problem is we have too many white socks. I think if I was to do this project again next year I will get way more colorful socks. Because we ran out of those like on Monday and those ones just look so much cleaner.

But the kids were good and they made good work and while I didn't feel very good everyone was really kind. And I had the counselors helping with the hot glue and while there was one or two small burns nobody was seriously injured which is always my concern.

I did not go to lunch because I had brought my Chipotle from yesterday with me. And I ate half of that and then I just turned off the lights and hung out in the inside hammock until my next class. I just really it did not feel good today and was happy to be alone.

I honestly wasn't sure it was going to participate in the counselor ride tonight because I was feeling so unwell. But I knew that if I didn't I would feel bad about that too so really there was no winning. My neck also just really hurts still and I would love for it to stop hurting so much but nothing seems to be helping. I'm hoping that going home tonight and taking a hot bath will help at least a little bit.

The afternoon groups were great. My day campers really seem to like the sock project even if they have to keep starting over over it over again. And when the stockade boys came a few of them even made some puppets including Jorge. Jorge always makes walruses and I thought it was very sweet when he made a walrus. I was not feeling great still though. And I was trying my best to not let everyone know how bad I was feeling but it was hard. I was talking to Louisa a lot about it today because she spent literally the entire day with me. And she worked on her embroidery and we just chit-chatted while the kids worked and during our breaks we both read Dear America books while laying in the hammocks. She's reading the Titanic one but I don't think she's going to finish it because she says it's already too sad. Which is true.

But she just wants to chit chat I had to be one point be like Louisa please let me read my book I only have 20 pages left. And I really didn't love this one there was a lot of parts where I felt like I missed something because she was skipping big sections but it was still enjoyable at the end and I'm excited to read my next one which is going to be taking place in 1919 which is a nice change of pace because I've been doing a lot of 17 and 1800s.

My last day group camp group left and I still had one more group which was my late pioneer group. I was not thrilled about having such a late group but they were very sweet boys and they did a good job. And they had lots of questions about my blanket which I was finally finishing sewing out the last pair row. And I was able to lay everything out and get it all rolled up and folded.

While we were folding it Elizabeth called me to ask if Louisa was with me and I was like yes she's been here all day do you want me to send her down and at first she said no but then Alexi let us know that her dad was there and wanted to say hello so I sent her to the office. And then the boys finished up and I got my stuff and went to dinner.

Dinner was not good. It wasn't that it tasted bad because I didn't eat any of it. What they had for people who do eat me it was jerked Jamaican chicken and some rice and vegetables. Which is fine. Except there was a very unclearness of about what was vegetarian what wasn't and then they finally brought the vegetarian option out which was like a vegetarian chicken and rice Jamaican inspired dish. Which I'm sure would have been fine not my thing but fine. Except I scooped up and it was still frozen. So I gave it back to the chef and then he said it would be a few minutes in the oven and I waited like 15 minutes but it didn't come out so I just had a couple pieces of broccoli and gave up and left.

Mostly because we were getting ready for the trail ride at 7:00 and I wanted to get going to ice first. So I went and waited by the office and read my book a little bit. And then the people that work up in horses. Braden, Laney, and CC from the pool were up there waiting for Kona ice as well. And they were running a little bit late so we were jokingly like yelling about Jimmy not being there when he was supposed to be. Jimmy is the man that runs the Kona ice truck. And once he was there we got our things and I walked up with them. And they walk so fast. I have little legs guys and I'm old. But I did my best to keep up with them and it was nice hanging out.

I got to watch them tack up the horses. And put all of the things together and then everybody else who was coming on the trail ride would slowly start coming through. Ty was coming as well as Antonio. Tony was there as well. Candella who I love. And I specifically loved that she kept yelling at the horses in very very fast Spanish. I got to ride on Denton. And he was a very well behaved horse.

Which was great because I don't know if you remember my ride last year when I was on Little bolt and he rode me into Elizabeth's car and then into a bush. Denton was a very good listener. And he let me pet his face and his ears and I even gave him some of my snowball. It was mango flavored.

When we did finally get to ride I was all the way in the back because Denton likes to kick. He did not kick anyone but he kept biting the horse in front of us. And I think I did a lot better with controlling the words this year. Specifically because the saddle fit me better and I was not in excruciating pain the entire time. My neck still definitely hurt but there wasn't a lot of looking all the way backwards so it didn't bother me too much and I was able to just kind of be chill about it.

There were like three times where I screamed. The first one was because I thought it was so funny when we were going downhill and he started to trot. I can't imagine what a cancer feels like because trotting seems so fast. And you don't really have anything to hold on to so at one point I started slipping off the front of the saddle because I was writing an English saddle that has no horn. And that was very scary. And then another time I almost fell off and my feet fell out of the stirrups and I started sliding and then I got a crane up in my leg and I thought it was going to die. It was very scary. But I was laughing the whole way through and honestly it was a really nice time. I like to talking to Laney who was riding behind me as our trail guide. And I'm really glad that they cut the trail rides from an hour to a half an hour though because by the time the half hour is done my thighs hurt so much. Thankfully they don't really hurt too much anymore as I'm driving home. But I still have a good time.

Once the trail ride itself was done we went into the ring and we were allowed to just kind of ride in circles and try things out. I got Denton to trot a few more times and I felt a little bit more in control and I got him to turn the way I wanted him to and I felt a lot more secure. I still don't know how you don't slide off the saddle but I was having a good time. Eventually though I did just want to get off of the horse. He kept trying to walk over the jumps and I did not enjoy that and I didn't know how to make him stop trying to do that. And I was very afraid he was going to jump for real. I was very much ready to be done.

Lady wouldn't let me use the stairs to get off of him and I was very afraid of sliding off the horse to get on the ground because my likes keep giving out but I was able to slowly slide down and get off and I did not die. I watched Denton back up to his little house and one of the other girls help me take his tack and saddle off. And then I gave him the rest of my snowball and said goodbye.

That is when I decided I was going to go. It's not as late as I thought it was going to be and I really still do not feel good. And I really think that me and showering and being clean and then being in my own bed will help. I really hope it does. At least emotionally.

I am writing this in the car while I drive home but I'm using talk to text so I feel like it's fine. I'm not looking at my phone at all so hopefully most of this is coming out and it's not nonsense.

I walked back up to the car after and enjoyed being in the woods. And now I am in the car and most of the way home. Tomorrow is going to be a long day but I still think it will be good. My plan is to work and then after my last program I got to get set up for next week and then make sure everything is put away from this week and then I'm going to help with pickup and the ceremony directions. And then I will get out of there. I'm going to go to home Depot and get the adhesive I need. And hopefully you'll be home around the same time and I'm getting home today. It's going to be a long day so I really hope this nausea goes away because it sucks.

I hope you all sleep great. I promise not to post this until I'm actually home. I love you all. Good night!

[once-upon-a-oneshot]

Game Over

Based On: “When You Sleep” by Mary Lambert

Summary: Frat!Harry only wants you when he’s drunk, and you’ve finally had enough

Warnings: swearing

Word Count: 1.8K

Here I was for the third time this week pulling up to a frat party in the middle of the night. I didn’t want to be here, but, just like all the other times he had too much to drink, he needed me. Usually it takes a great amount of pushing past drunk underaged college kids to find him at these things. But this time, as soon as I reached the yard of the house, dimly lit by an array of neon party lights, I spotted a mop of curly brown hair, hunched over a bush.

“Yo! Harry dude! I thought we agreed no more puking in our bushes?!” Some frat guy was yelling at him from the porch. Harry’s only response was to flip the guy off and grin while using the bush to hold him up. “Finally! Your baby sitter’s here” The guy half-joked noticing my arrival.

Harry turned around to face me a little too fast, and he stumbled forward nearly falling. I tried my best to support him but there was no chance. I by no means would consider myself “small” or “petite”, but compared to Harry’s 6-foot, broad shouldered stature, he was too large.

“Hey! What’re ya doing hur?” Harry drunkenly slurred semi-regaining his balance.

“Haz, you called me, remember?” Normally I would’ve been embarrassed calling him anything but his name. But I’ve done this enough times to know, in the morning, he won’t remember any of the words exchanged tonight.

It took nearly an hour to get Harry back to my dorm room. Our new personal best. It’s not that I live far from the frat house, it’s more the process of getting Harry here. The trip usually goes something like, helping Harry stumble to the car, pulling over at every traffic light so Harry can throw up, finally making it to his apartment (which is past my own apartment), Harry begging me to help him to his front door, Harry realizing he “forgot” his keys, Harry asking if he can just crash at my place instead, me driving Harry back to my apartment, helping Harry stumble into my dorm.

It took about the third time of this routine being repeated for me to realize the coincidence of Harry forgetting his keys every time he went out, got shit faced, and called me to come pick him up, wasn’t so much a coincidence. And even though it was the same thing every time, I never skipped the step of driving to his apartment, because I knew it meant he’d have to verbally ask me if he could stay with me. And in some sick way, I got off to hearing his lips form those words. It was something so small, but something that meant so much to me. And he knew that. Drunk or not. I knew what the morning would bring, but for the night, I’d listen to Harry’s slow, peaceful breathing as he slept.

The next morning, I woke up to the sound of Harry attempting to tip-toe around, collecting his things before I’d wake up. And just like every other morning, I lay perfectly still, letting silent tears hit the pillow, while I listen to the boy I love try to pretend he was never here.

LATER ON CAMPUS

“Hey (Y/N), what did I miss in class today?” I swiveled around in the library chair to face the person who was speaking to me.

Before even facing him, I recognized the voice as a kid from my Biology class, who also happened to be from my hometown. We weren’t necessarily friends, but we engaged in small talk every once in a while. Although I knew who it was before I turned around, I didn’t expect Harry to be standing there with him.

“Oh, uh, not too much.” I focused as hard as I could on my classmate to keep from looking over at Harry. I could feel his eyes burning into me, but I was too embarrassed to look at him. “I can send them to you if you want.”

“Sick! Can you email them to me right now, so I can print them right quick?” I wanted badly to make up some excuse for why I just had to leave and send the notes later, so I could get far far away from Harry. But when I opened my mouth, “Sure” is all that came out.

The guy sat at the computer across from me, and Harry sat down next to him. I fixed my eyes on the computer screen and tried to steady my shaky hands enough to hurriedly send the notes. All the while Harry continued to stare.

As soon as the notes were sent, I logged off the computer and packed up my things. In order to get out of the library I had to pass Harry and the guy, and it was just my luck that the guy had gotten up to go print. As I passed Harry, he grabbed my wrist stopping me. I finally looked into his green eyes, but he didn’t say anything, he just continued to stare like he had already been doing.

“What?” I asked getting uncomfortable with the intensity he was looking at me with. He just shrugged in response.

Once Harry noticed his friend walking back to the computer, he quickly released my wrist, and turned around, as if nothing had ever happened.

Things have been this way with Harry since I met him. Since the day I became his. He knew I had a crush on him, and it gave him some sort of ego trip. Even though he knew I already wanted him, he wanted to make sure it would stay that way. So, whenever he felt like I wasn’t paying him enough attention, or he thought my yearning for him was slipping away, he’d throw me a bone to keep me begging. Initially I made the mistake of thinking this meant that by some chance, he wanted me the same way, but he proved time and time again (through his actions and his words), this wasn’t the case.

And after months of taking whatever treatment Harry would give me. I finally snapped. It happened one night at a party. I was drinking, and I didn’t know he’d be there. I spent the night avoiding him. I was afraid of what drunk me may say or do once I got around him. When he entered a room, suddenly I had somewhere else to be. When he needed another drink from the kitchen, suddenly I wasn’t thirsty anymore. When he wanted to join on the beer pong table, suddenly I was bored of the game. And Harry noticed.

I was on the second floor of the house on my own, exhausted from dodging Harry all night. I leaned my back against the wall of the hall after the stairs reminded me just how buzzed I really was. I guess Harry spotted me heading up stairs because I heard footsteps on the stairs, before he appeared at the top of them. Without saying anything, Harry glanced over his shoulder, before walking and standing directly in front of me. He put an arm up on either side of my head, trapping me between him and the wall.

“I didn’t know you were gonna be here.” he said too casually for our position. “Are you mad at me or something?” This took me by surprise.

“What?”

“You’ve been ignoring me all night.” Again, his tone was way too casual for the things he was saying. But honestly, that’s always how Harry played it.

“You mean living my life? Enjoying the party? Not worshiping the ground you walk on?” Harry’s only response was a smirk. That’s when I started getting angry. “Look I’m too drunk to even be having this conversation with you right now Haz, so can we ju-“

“What’d you just call me?” Harry questioned raising an eyebrow at me. I froze. I was so drunk and emotional that I had accidentally let it slip. But upon processing the look on Harry’s face as something almost resembling distain, my embarrassment turned to pure anger.

“What do you want from me Harry?!” anger was thick in my voice as I pushed him backwards further from me.

“What are you talki-“

“No. Don’t you dare do that! Don’t act like you’re clueless. Like-like you haven’t been playing games with me since we met!” He said nothing. Instead he just stood staring at me. An emotionless expression painted across that beautiful face.

I wanted to stay angry. I wanted the fire burning inside of me to push me to finally walking away from this toxic man. But seeing that there was truly nothing there, the anger fizzled out to simple exhaustion.

“Look, we both know you know how I feel about you. And we both know you don’t feel the same way. But you play with my head. You flirt with me just long enough to wrap me around your finger. And then silence. Just like I never existed. That is until your hold on me starts unraveling again. It’s just some big twisted game for you. It’s like when you can’t have my attention, you suddenly want it.”

“It’s no-“

“I’m not done. For once in the history of whatever the fuck this thing with us is, it’s my turn to talk, and your turn to just listen. And I want you to listen good, because this is the only time I’m ever going to say.” I waited for some sign from Harry to let me know he was really paying attention.

He nodded so I continued.

“I can’t keep being a pawn in your torturous game Harry. It’s not fair to me. You’re breaking me apart and you don’t even care. The thing that hurts the most Harry,” I fought the tears for as long as I could, but the alcohol made it nearly impossible “is the fact that I know I could make you so happy. I would do everything in my power to give you the world. Hell, I basically already do. But you’re so blinded by “not wanting to be with me” that you don’t even realize how good I am for you. How good I am to you. If you stop telling yourself you’re not allowed to love me, I guarantee I’d make you fall. But if that’s not what you want. If you really, truly don’t even want to give me a chance, I’m done. I’ll have to walk away before you finish draining what little of me, I have left. And if that’s what it comes to, I’m begging you, please just let me go. No more games.”

Harry just stood and, like he so often did, stared. Blank. I felt like I was frozen in that moment and all the air had been sucked from the room. Unfortunately, I could feel myself began to sober up as I stood in anticipation of Harry’s response. I wished like hell I was still drunk, because maybe it would’ve hurt less when Harry finally spoke.

“I’m sorry,” he began backing away back towards the stairs. “I’ll leave you alone.” And with that he spun on his heels and trotted back down to the party.

[jaybird-redhood]

propinquity

wc: 2.2k

pairing: jason todd // gn reader

The first thing you think when you see him for the first time is that he has the cutest smile.

That’s a lie, the first thing you think it that he is so incredibly in shape, and it looks great on him, but the smile thing sounds better in your head.

He's moving into the apartment across from yours a month after you moved into yours. Weird, because the two people in your building closest to your age are 2 and 63, respectively.

You suppose that some wicked twist of fate must’ve brought this upon you for missing your cousin’s birthday party last week, because the guy standing across from you is crazy hot. And looking right at you. And you are in the huge neon Wonder Woman t-shirt that your best friend got for your birthday last year.

Yeah. Karma.

“Nice shirt,” the guy offers, holding in a grin. “You’re really making it work.”

“I-”

“See you around, neighbor.”

And with a shut of a door and an awfully charismatic smirk he’s gone.

The next time you see him is a week later, and this time- luckily, you think- you’re dressed somewhat put together. You run into him while unlocking your door.

"What's got you in a twist?" he asks.

"Um," you start, "I just. Ugh I have so much to do. Like 3 hours of homework, a lecture tomorrow that I cannot skip, and I'm completely out of bread and eggs and can't even you to the store until, like, Thursday at best."

Once you start rambling you can't seem to stop. You slouch against your door. You're not entirely sure why you're telling a stranger all this, but he seems to be listening, so you suppose that’s a good sign

"I get the feeling," he offers, and you look up at him. "I'm majoring in English Lit and my classes are kind of kicking my ass."

You give him a small smile, "Glad to know someone in this building is struggling as much as I am."

"Jason," he says, and he reaches his hand out to you. "My name."

You shake it and tell him yours.

As you both turn back into your respective apartments you think that he maybe isn't as intimidating as you thought.

~

The next day goes by with a really boring lecture and another 3 hours of work you need to do.

The ride home from uni isn't that long, but it's long enough for you to contemplate all the ways that your life went wrong after moving to Gotham. And, maybe as payback for thinking mean things about the city, rain that you think should belong to a category 3 hurricane starts to whip around your car 10 minutes into your drive.

Your clothes are dripping water in literal puddles by the time you get back to your apartment.

Groaning, you start fishing for your keys in your purse while walking up the last flight of stairs.

When you get to your door you stop. Right in front of it there’s a grocery bag. Picking it up and looking inside you see a loaf of bread and a small carton of milk.

You pick it up smiling.

“Jason?” you ask, knocking on his door.

No response.

You shrug and turn around. Remember to thank him the next time you run into each other; you think.

~

That next time doesn’t happen to be that long and thank goodness for you.

“You know, we really need to stop meeting like this,” he says to you.

You’re sitting on the floor outside of your door looking rather pathetic, and he’s giving you the most awful smirk you’ve ever seen. (Not that it looks bad on him though. You seem to think that nothing could really look that bad on him)

“I swear I’m usually more put together than this,” you sigh to him. “You moving here jinxed me!”

“Yeah yeah. You’re locked out, aren’t you?”

You give him your best withering I’m going to kill you stare, but it must not be working because he just laughs even harder at you.

“This is completely not my fault it’s just I lost my second set of keys like right when I moved in and then today when I got home, I accidentally left them in my car, but my second set of car keys is in my apartment so now I can’t get them out, stop laughing at me!”

“God you’re a mess,” Jason says- finally finished laughing at you and maybe taking a bit of pity on how disheveled you look. “You couldn’t call anyone to get you in?”

You shake your head.

“My friend is the only other person with a set, but they’re out of town, and our landlord is being a dick and telling me it’s my fault in the first place, so I need to deal with it. I’ve been sitting out here for like an hour.”

“All I’m hearing is that it is your fault and now you’re just moping about it feeling bad about yourself.”

You tilt your head against the door so hard that it makes you wince a bit.

“Ok fine,” he says crossing his arms.

“What?”

“Wait right here.”

He goes into his apartment and comes back out with a skinny metal thing you don’t recognize.

You look at him in confusion and he just motions for you to scoot out of the way as he sticks it in your locks and starts to pick it.

You sigh in relief.

“Thank you thank you thank you. For everything. I swear I will get my life together, so you don’t feel like you have to keep cleaning up my messes.

“I don’t mind,” he says with a small smile, “Take your time.”

And with that he opens the door to your apartment and turns back to his.

“By the way, you should really get better locks. That was way too easy.”

You make a note in your head to get that done sometime. As you’re lying on your couch that night, you’re AirDropped a photo on your phone. Saving it up you see it’s a piece of paper with neat handwriting on it: a phone number and a smiley face, Jason’s name at the bottom.

You smile too and add the number to your contacts.

~

Over the next few weeks, you and Jason start talking more, both over text and through the various times when you run into each other outside your doors.

Each interaction is better than the next, and you soon start to realize that Jason isn’t just some hot guy with no brains. He’s sweet and charismatic, has a whole wall full of bookshelves, could probably quote any classical novel by heart, has incredibly good taste in music, and best (or worst) of all, would make incredible friend material.

It’s just that as you become closer friends, you start to realize that that might not be all you want.

It’s a stupidly cold Friday morning when he texts you, and you’re covered in blankets and wrapped in sweatshirts in your bed. Movie at my place tonight?

You text back your approval and a quick be there at 6 before getting ready for classes.

The day goes by slower than you hoped.

It might be the anticipation of seeing Jason again, or more likely the hours of lectures you have to sit through, but you’re elated when your final class for the day gets let out.

The hours in between are a blur.

A blur which leads to the two of you sitting on his couch watching Romeo and Juliet together, a blanket thrown over your bodies.

You have the obligatory bowl of popcorn resting on your legs, and every few minutes Jason reaches across your lap to take a handful.

The way you’re laying half on top on him is completely deliberate, as to take as much of his body heat as possible. Your landlord had turned off heating 3 weeks prior to ‘save money’ or some other bullshit.

Jason’s not complaining though.

Once your popcorn bowl is finished and your head is in his lap, he runs his fingers through your hair absentmindedly. It might be the nicest feeling you’ve ever felt.

Throughout the movie you exchange snide comments about the plot back and forth. You start trying to say funny things whenever you can just to hear how sweet his laugh sounds to your ears.

By the end of the movie, you’re only slightly in tears, or so you tell yourself.

“Are you crying right now?” Jason asks incredulously, wearing a teasing smile.

“It’s not my fault,” you half say half moan, “Leonardo DiCaprio just has that effect on me.”

He just laughs and pulls you upright until you’re sitting on his lap.

His eyes are a shade of blue green that you’ve never seen before, although you could swear their getting greener by the second.

You watch his gaze drop down to your lips before staring you right in the eyes again.

“Can I kiss you?”

“God yes,” you tell him, and kiss him right back.

~

The next week is somewhat uneventful, even though you and Jason had been meeting each other almost every night, rotating apartments based on whose house was warmer each particular night.

Tonight is your night, and you’ve been waiting the whole day to show him the film you had rented to watch together.

The walk up to your door is easier than usual, and you have a bounce in your step that’s making you feel even more elated than normal taking out your keys to unlock your apartment.

You open your door and your bag drops. The keys clatter when they hit the hardwood, and the silence that follows is deafening.

“You’re bleeding on my carpet,” is the first thing that comes out of your mouth.

There Jason is, bleeding quite profusely, and using your kitchen counter to keep himself vertical. He’s wearing what looks to be a torn half of a domino mask and an extremely hot leather jacket.

(Not that this was the time for noticing his fashion choices, but you filed that thought away for later.)

What really catches your eye though is the huge red bat symbol on his chest, and the red helmet next to it sitting on your counter.

He shifts a little to the side before stumbling through saying, “Um, so, I know this isn’t ideal and I’m really sorry to put you in this situation, but I seriously do not feel like bleeding out tonight and-”

“Oh my god this is great,” you cut him off with. “I thought you were a hit-man!”

“Wait what.”

“Shit no that’s not what I meant- kind of, hang on we should probably stop you from dying before having this conversation.”

You walk over to him to get a better look at his wounds.

“God Jace, you look like death warmed over.”

He just stares at you.

“You have a bunch of stuff in your bathroom, right?”

At least this elicits a reaction. He grimaces in pain but gives you a nod of his head in conformation.

“Ok I’ll be right back, don’t move.”

He gives you a look that says seriously, where would I go.

3 minutes later you’re back with a needle and thread, and some sterilizing spray.

“This should be fine,” you tell him, “I took a first aid class last year with my friends and passed with flying colors according to the nurse.”

“Just try to keep them tight and neat. I trust you,” he says, and your heart pounds just a little harder.

You respond with a nervous laugh but take a deep breath and start working.

~

An hour and a half later you’re done.

The combination of pain meds, bandages, and a whole lot of stitches eventually led to you and Jason laying in your bed together, both completely exhausted.

He turns his head to face you.

“Could we maybe go back to the hit-man thing?”

“Oh uh. Well I saw a bunch of shirts covered in blood in your laundry in the bathroom, not to mention all the weirdly specific first-aid you had,” you tell him.

“And also the assorted guns and knives you have hidden all over. I guess I just assumed? But the whole Red Hood thing is so much better,” you reassure him.

“You found all my knives?”

You smile up at him.

“I love that that’s thing you chose to focus on.”

“And you’re really not mad that I didn’t tell you about the whole vigilante thing before?” he asks.

“Jay, I had already resigned myself to life forever with some shady hit-man that also happened to be incredibly good looking. Red Hood is ten times better than that. I’m not going to run away from you just because you’re incredibly intimidating and probably could kill me. I see that as an added bonus,” you say, with as much charm as you can muster without yawning.

“Just. Be careful, ok? I’d hate to make this a routine.”

He responds by pulling you closer to his body.

“I promise,” he whispers into your head. “You really to remember to get better locks by the way, breaking in was still way too easy.”

You let out a small laugh and finally you let yourself give into sleep.