#not to my paternal grandparents. but yknow

[br1ghtestlight]

i can't find it now but at some point loren bouchard said that bcuz of their last name being belcher, at least one of bob's parents had to come from french canadian ancestory (big bob). I think about this a lot. AND ITS NOT LIKE NEW JERSERY IS KNOWN FOR ITS FRENCH CANADIAN POPULATION

[morgenlich]

yknow a weird thing about not knowing who my paternal grandfather is is that i’ll never know for sure if all my grandparents are dead

[forsakenmissives]

just need to work this all out

ok so im unemployed fresh college grad atm and ive got job apps sent in and even an interview lined up but that interview is in the town my dad is in so im staying with my dad but in the time ive spent waiting for that date ive been with an employment agency but the job that place sent me to was the absolute worst and my mental health has plummeted to the point that i’m getting physically sick both bc of the job and bc i feel like i have to keep looking over my shoulder with my dad right there.

i skipped work saturday and today which is insanely immature but i cant think im struggling to sleep and eat bc of this and today i emailed the agency saying i wish to end our agreement. they said they wished i gave a notice (tbf i thought i had when i was like “i’m moving away” on saturday.. but whatever. actually not whatever — that shouldntve been discounted and im not entirely at fault here) but that they wish me the best and i said thank you and sorry for the inconvenience.

earlier last week when i told dad this job is really bad for me he told me to stay working there until i get another job secured. i did not do that and now im terrified of telling him that i quit bc i dont know what hes going to do plus i dont want to talk about it with him i just want to be left alone

also this interview ive got lined up is for a really great company however i dread working there bc that means i have to stay with dad. i want to go back to where i used to live. also i dont like that one of the high up workers there is friends with my dad. being a nepo baby is great unless the nepo comes from my dad. i dont trust him to not keep tabs on me and i dont want him knowing what ive been doing or where ive been. not that im doing anything illegal i just want him to fuck off, yknow?

all of this leads back to the problem ive always had in that hes a huge control freak who needs to know everything going on in my life and i cant escape. my mom got out through the divorce but im still stuck here and i cant leave either bc even if i cant breathe with him and his wife and their kids i love my paternal grandparents and aunt and uncle. im just so paranoid and anxious and i feel like i cant breathe

im so sick of disappointing people but also the stuff my dad is proud of me about is stuff im not that proud of. its like i just cant win with him.

oh and paranoia aside i dont want to owe him anything bc he used to ignore me for months despite me calling and messaging him constantly (to the point that my mom was like “do you even love me? do you even want to be here do you even care?”) when he took me out for dinner one of the times he decided to acknowledge me he said he’d pay for a field trip (past the time the fee was due so i had to get special permission from the teacher) then the next week he said i only talk to him when i need money so actually no hes not giving me anything. WHAT. and then a couple years later he was like “i never got to be your parent you never let me be your dad :(“ and when i was like “why” he was like “i had to always go have fun with you instead of discipline you bc i didnt want our time together to be all sad and me getting mad at you” like again. WHAT.

he said that bc i was like “i was rly hurt when you said i only come to u for money bc i reached out to u a lot and u never replied”. so. idk what to do with that but i still dont rly understand the argument from him here. but yeah i was like rly hurt and then he started crying talking about how he never got to be my dad even tho i was like 19 when this convo happened so he had 19 years to try and didnt and its rly unfair that im supposed to feel guilty for denying him this even tho i was the child and he had total control he could decide what to do with me and he chose wrong and now hes taking it out on me here in this restaurant. ok.

its so fucked cuz now im like so was i doing something wrong all those times we were tgt? like idk im just scared around him bc i dont ever know if im doing something wrong bc he wont tell me or maybe he will or maybe he . idk i just cant sit still yknow?

also his wife is racist and ive got to deal with microaggressions from her. and hes a pastor

anyway i just needed to get that all out there to feel a bit less crazy. thank you for coming to my ted talk ✌️😗

OH YEAH. and he makes me feel stupid all the fucking time like i dont need a job right now. i Should get one but i dont have a mortgage im not buying groceries i dont need to pay for insurance I DONT NEED A JOB. but he told me to stay in this shitass job bc i need it. dude it had me out in the sun all day (ALL DAY) paying $10/hr and had me coming home genuinely thinking about killing myself. not even bc of the physical labor but bc it was so under-stimulating like i was in my head all day no music no interesting surroundings no conversation nothing for me to solve. and he was all like “well sometimes we have to do work that we don’t like” YEAH I FUCKING KNOW DICKHEAD. my mom said he talked like that to her too and also apparently ok not to brag bc im fr not but im rly smart like im fucking brilliant and my dad always acted like it was bc of him but my mom’s other kids are also brill while my dad’s other kids are… theyre sweet kids and intelligence isnt everything im aware i know but its like “really dickhead?” i just hate how he belittles u and talks like ur dumb. im not dumb. dont piss me off

[averysmolkirbo]

*talking with other kids at school*

"What do you mean your auntie doesnt have horns???? is she sick or something??"

"Why would she have horns??? She's not a like a demon or something"

"Oh wait sorry they must be your other auntie. yknow the one of wings that likes forests a lot"

"What?? No. She doesnt have wings either. what do you mean??"

"Is something wrong with her?"

"No! There's nothing wrong with her"

"Oh so she married a demon. I guess that makes sense."

"??????????"

after much confusion, you learned that apparantly other people have completely human families. No demons and no fae. Weird.

* based off of me being super confused as to how people had multiple sets of grandparents as a kid. i was under the impression that everyone only had one set. i always grew up with just my maternal grandparents, like, i dont even know who my paternal grandparents were, i dont even know if theyre still alive like ive never heard anything about them.

Your mother promised her firstborn to a demon. Your father promised his to a fae. And while you still live with your parents, you have some very unusual aunts/uncles.

[unrivaledpower7]

I wish I had taken the time to try to share my love of gaming with my paternal grandparents before they died. Made them their own twitch accounts on their phones. Talked to them on stream and stuff. Share what I love to do with those I love, yknow?

My maternal grandmother is still around. Maybe she will take me up on the offer

[krshush]

A year after buying a printer that I hadn't hooked up, I'm finally thinking about using it for the main reason I bought it: Going through all my clothes to sell them Places (Poshmark, probably?) and having a way to print the labels.

[khangi]

is reviewing census the only concrete way to figure out if you’re native/have native ancestry? my dad left a lot of questions unanswered n i can’t talk to my paternal grandparents for multiple reasons but i really want to know, but i also don’t wanna be That Guy who says they have native ancestry without actually knowing yknow ?

No. There’s multiple ways of figuring it out, but I’m really not the person to ask. I used birth records, family knowledge, and basic understanding of the area my family is from.

[kuromichad]

man sometimes you realize youve spent days on end doing mindless non-tasks while idly thinking about how everything is bad and nothing ever gets better and youre not excited by anything or hopeful for anything and kinda dont like it when other people express any kind of wonderment or ‘excessive’ optimism because it makes you flinch and etc etc etc and then finally it clicks like... oh bro you have depression huh... i feel like every month or two i rediscover the concept of depression because i forget there are more types than like ‘letting a plain tortilla fall out of your mouth’ or ‘crying frequently’. even though i think the irritable cynical type is what i have the most often.

ive been very hostile to any kind of like sympathy in the form of ‘2020-onward has been hard for literally everyone’ or like ‘youve been dealing with a lot’ because im like. that cant be true because i’m lucky that no one in even my extended family has gotten covid and my parents and grandparents i leech off of are already retired/work from home and like. between stimulus and cares act stuff ive had more money in the past year than in like my whole life. and even though it’s been difficult due to Phone Calls and dealing with incompetent people i did get to start hrt. so really i’m very spoiled and i guess (clearly) i resent myself for that. 

but all of this still um. sucks? like to just. every single day have to hear bad news and then see 300 slightly different posts in reaction to the bad news that just really drive in how bad everything is. you get like ten minutes to laugh about ‘reddit steals money from wall street via gamestop’ before then having to see people repeat over and over how doomed and miserable it is that ‘the government is letting people die but will rush to help the stock market’ and its like i know. i know. i know. the worst possible thing is always what’s going to happen and there’s no levity in the world without a bitter aftertaste. it’s great. i’m used to feeling this way about my own life but it really is hard to have it driven in so incessantly and deeply regarding just, the whole universe, for almost a year, with no end in sight. everything is bad every single thing has a rotten core. 

i feel unbelievably fucking stupid for it but i feel like probably the hardest thing for me, like the most insidiously damaging, in the past year has been like. ok so. we all know i’m a cringe ass nae nae Disney Adult. i have no desire to like, actively behave like one, but i know in >current year to like any disney anything at all in public past age ten is considered like peak braindead behavior. and i understand Why and it’s not like i disagree that Disney Is Bad. but for me disney parks have always been a bit different, a bit removed from whatever bad movie or shitty corporate move, there’s a more genuine spirit there right, whatever, youve seen me go on about this before. but this year its very very clear theyre uh. behaving evilly with the parks now too. i’m exposed to constant discourse about this because of having a Disney Family who likes to watch Disney Vloggers constantly (yes yes i know youre sending missiles to my house ouuhhh the cringe oh it burns i deserve this oooh) and having to hear these people whine nonstop about why doesnt disneyland reopen wah wah, and reading about the massive cast layoffs, and just. yknow. disney acting how everyone who wasnt stupid like me expected them to act. it’s made it impossible to engage with the whole concept of theme parks which was obviously a major interest for me, probably (pathetically) pretty much the only ‘non-fandom’ interest i have, one of the few arenas i could actually picture myself Having A Job in and actually being happy, basically the only thing ive ever like cornily waxed poetic about in posts the way other people on here rhapsodize about the moon or gay kissing or the found family trope or whatever, Ugh Cringe. 

and i just cant have that anymore. i cant bear to think about my, like, Special Interest anymore, because everything on earth comes back to how theres money involved and everything about how we deal with money is evil and people are always suffering and corporations are always ruining everything and nothing ever ever ever ever gets better nothing will ever be okay. and having that in the back of your mind nonstop, with constant external affirmation, is like. not good for you. like i think maybe... guys... im maybe allowed to be depressed. even if i dont like, know anyone whos died. (my paternal grandma did die last spring but it wasn’t covid.) This is a great revelation to arrive at. i don’t know what to do with it now though. like it does feel good to be able to blame something like it’s external, like ohh okay i feel bad this week (the past two months) (the past year) (my whole life) Because Of Depression, but it doesn’t... solve it. it’s not preventing next week from being differently bad in a way that it’ll take me a while to recognize yet again. but like at least im not suicidal like 2018 <3 im just. frustrated and sad.

i also kinda dont know why i’m posting about this. i guess i don’t really talk on here anymore but i also feel like i’ve been exhausting my friends lately with my bad moods and in particular, my need to Talk About everything. (theoretically i know that being a person who copes by venting/needs to talk through their feelings is like, a value neutral thing, people are just different from each other. but since a percentage lower than 100 of my friends are not the same way i decide oh okay this is evil and revolting.) so im just kinda. getting it out. here’s how im doing, how about you,

[festivenatural]

is it weird to be in love with something thats not a person.

like that sense of overwhelming love and devotion but its not a sentient thing it’s like. a concept or something. because that’s how i feel right now about germany and i don’t know if it’s just longing because i feel like ivebeen cut off from my mainland european heritage but i would take any chance to be back in mainland europe in france or germany or switzerland or something because it feels so SO right and even though ivenever been i know in my heart that germany is the home ive beeen looking for and sorry for ranting but i feel really disconnected from any cukture that isn’t english even though i’m pretty sure i’m less than half english!!! i dont know my dads family that well and my paternal grandfather cut himself off from his german heritage and i just feel like ivebeen robbed of that yknow? like there are certain things ivemissed out on that i SHOULD have got, that my other friends with german family DID get through having german grandparents and i just want to be in fucking france or seomthint right now and tomorrow im gonna try and word this properly i just feel like i should know more about german society and culture but i’ve been seprated from it

[liache]

little junkers in the past headcanon things that i really love and would love to infodump on and would probably make it into my fic If I Ever Got Back To Writing It:

rat’s mother died of radiation sickness when he was 6 and he was sent to a humanitarian boarding school/orphanage, where he reluctantly stayed until he was around 10, after which he ran away with a group of other kids

said kids would soon be his survival group, ranging from 13 year olds to 9 year olds. rat was one of the younger ones. tbh i like the idea that the ones he was closest to had “rat” as a nickname: packrat (leader), labrat (medic), rugrat (youngest), and then junkrat (scavenger). it probably coincides with the letters of their first names. they had shorthands for these too: packard, labba, ruggy, and junk

jamie was an illegitimate child between a wealthy wind farm operator and his mistress. he never once met his father, who his mom resented for dismissing her and treating her poorly. if the crisis had never happened, however, jamie would be next in line for inheriting the wind farm empire his father established, and would probably even be taken into the family and trained to succeed his father at some point. too bad it all got destroyed from the crisis and explosion. his dad might still be around along the metropolis coast, but who knows? they couldnt recognize each other if they had to.

rat and his gang made a living of selling scrap and stealing from other gangs, since they were small and quick and people were more likely to take pity on a little starving kid. they used this to their advantage, and would send the younger ones (ruggy and junk) to beg in the larger villages, especially after rat lost his leg.

rat lost his leg at the age of 11-12 after stepping on a landmine while running into enemy territory. it broke his left ankle and annihilated his right leg up to his knee. packard was the one who had to try and fix him up, but you cant really expect a 16 y.o to know how to do a proper amputation. rat still experiences pain from having his bone not really sawed off, but broken apart with a chisel above the knee and sewed over, and having his other ankle set improperly.

packard was kind of a dick and threatened to kick junk out of the group for being disabled, which drove rat to prove himself even harder. labba helped make his first peg leg and scoured for pain medicine for him.

rat actually blew part of his right pinkie off in his mid-teens, but just the upper part. so he already had a close call with that arm.

he lost his hand and part of his forearm much later while he was in his late teens/early twenties, when he tried building a new type of bomb after 4 days of no sleep due to his plethora of mental problems, mainly paranoia.

ive posted abt this before, but mercy is the one who fixed up his arm. she probably would have helped him with a prosthetic, but in a mania in the middle of the night after he woke up, he stole all the medicine he could out of the medical tent and took off. he OD’d after eating random medicine out of desperation (hoping they were for pain) and saw god, but managed to puke up the pills after god called him a stupid wanker. rat doesnt remember mercy, but he remembers god calling him a wanker.

mako was born in new zealand and is mixed: maori mother and white aussie father. he grew up very close to his mother and sisters compared to his dad, but had an alright relationship with him. his mother died in his mid-teens due to cancer, and afterwards his dad moved mako and his sisters to the australian outback where his father’s family was. mako became acquainted with his paternal cousins there, who basically moved in with how often they visited. it was a very big family. mako’s a middle child with two sisters on both sides, and three cousins around his age.

mako’s mother grew up in america but moved to NZ as an adult to be closer to her extended family/grandparents, where she met mako’s father and settled down. because hog was close to her growing up, he took on her american accent (shhh this is just me getting an explanation for his lack of NZ accent)

mako worked in a slaughterhouse as an older teen/before the crisis, much to his displeasure and horror. he would have loved to be a mechanic and worked on cars and motorcycles in his spare time, but the slaughterhouse was the only place he could find solid work in the middle of nowhere. he vowed to become a vegetarian after only a week of working there. it’s probably where the “roadhog” persona started to grow: the empty-minded lack of empathy needed to kill the animals, the way he needed to dissociate from his morals in order to make money and survive.

that being said, he really did have a hobby of fixing and riding motorcycles. he was part of the biker scene, though one of the more casual members.

when the crisis hit, it took a while to reach the outback compared to the populated coast. it only affected the outback within the last couple years of the crisis, but it was enough to decimate mako’s new home and cause the death of his cousin and two of his sisters.

after the crisis and when the government tried to relocate mako and the rest of his family due to giving away outback land to the omnics, mako was actually initially unsure whether or not to join the ALF. while growing up he was a bit more shy and less confrontational than his family, who all joined immediately, but his rage toward the government and mourning over his lost family members drove him to join and eventually become one of their most prolific members, mainly due to his strength and durability during protests. this also helped the roadhog persona grow, to shed his old softness and grow a harder shell. it’s also when he took it on as an alias, since it was a common practice not to share your real name while part of the ALF.

hog was actually not in or around the omnium when it detonated; it was a plan devised by ALF members (including hog) to raid the omnium but it went awry when they accidentally damaged the core and caused it to explode. hog was supposed to be on watch outside of the omnium, up on a cliff in order to spot potential attackers from afar and prevent interference. when the explosion happened, hog was nearly a mile away and behind cover, but still suffered radiation burns on his arm and face (if he holds his forearm up to his face, you can actually see where his arm scars fit into his face scars). however, most of his remaining family was part of the infiltration team, and were instantly vaporized. the few who werent inside at the time were closer to the building and were either crushed by debris, or died soon after from direct radiation exposure. hog probably would have died too, but he took off on his bike as soon as it happened and sped as far away from the radiation as he could.

the ALF was criminalized directly afterward, and overwatch was sent to provide humanitarian relief (and blackwatch to round up and imprison remaining ALF members at the behest of the aus government)

hog began to wear a mask due to the effects of inhaling radioactive dust on his already sensitive lungs, and to protect his identity (not that a 7′3 550lb man isnt already inconspicuous, but, yknow). it also helped really distance himself from “mako” and fully embrace “roadhog”, since now survival was on the top of his list, and would be harder than ever. roadhog is a method of survival, no matter what he would have to do. this is also when his survivor’s guilt began to set in, which is part of the reason why he stayed in the outback for so long. he felt that he caused it to be this way, so he deserved to rot there. roadhog was born from the wastes, and that’s where he belonged.

[isaacathom]

like if theres the ‘the (1) is someone you know and the (5) are strangers’ thats a completely different element because then its less about guilt at raw action and guilt at something specific. like, do you kill your friend? fucked up, man. itd depend on the friend. would they have wanted you to do it? if yes, you NOT doing it would ruin the friendship. if no, then you doing it would, yknow, kill them but also probably piss them off for the frw moments, yknow. like, theres a lot more nuance there. a much more interesting question to me

[moofinstuffles]

hey bb ;P

welcome again,i figured I should write a bit about me foremost so that you might feel more comfy with me, maybe relate to me a bit yknow get a vibe going for this blog.

I’m lobue! its pronounced like leboo and most people think its french, but its actually sicilian. my paternal grandparents are from there so I have lots of extended family spread across sicily and england. speaking of which, i’m from england! the boring middle bit of it in the shires but actually in a few weeks im moving to ~brighton~ for university. quite stressed about it all but that's why I have stuffed animals to cry into. I am a gaye and my lovely girlfriend and I have been together for over a year now! I love her sooo much and she calls me muffinstuffles, so that's where the username is from. in my free time I love drawing and painting and all that jazz, ive also started getting into reading this summer so set me with some book recommendations if you like ;) I have some gnarly anxiety which kind of makes me worried about everything and I overthink lots so I have trouble leaving the house sometimes but its getting better cuz im a boss and so is my old therapist who gave me some great tools that help me rationalise situations (btw if anyone wants me to share some of the mechanisms she gave me, feel free to ask bb xx). Im going to be studying biology but im kind of freaking out because I don't know what to specialise in cuz im a dunce and don't understand how everyone can already know what field they wanna study cuz theres so many??? ALso a fun fact about me is that one of my finger tendons dislocates all the time, it just happened as I was typing this and it aint fun :(

pliz, tell me bout you :) gimme your stories and weird facts about you that make you real special. I wanna listen bb <3

even if you don't wanna tell me about you, thank you for reading this long weird thing and I hope you are having a groovy ol day