#not to mention how solid the writing was like I finished all the books in one week

[smokeys-house]

I've finished watching season 4 of Moominvalley, and with the comet special being the definitive capstone of the gutsy 2019 adaptation, I can now give a proper and solid opinion on the series as a whole.

I was right all along suck it losers (joke)

Anyway I'm going to give my review of the series now.

As I've often said prior, MV19 revels in the major moments of the moomins, but does nothing to earn them. This leaves a lot of what should feel impactful instead feeling hollow, at least for a long time fan like me. I've also thought since watching the first season of MV19 that British humor clashes inherently with the genuine nature of the moomins, the sarcasm and attitudes present throughout make for a more modern feeling adaptation, but removes a certain luster from the moomins themselves and the other characters in the valley. The jokes are dry and impassionate, and the moomins are anything but.

"Classic," a term you could very easily apply to the moomins as a whole, is a word that means "undiminished by time." In an attempt to modernize the moomins, nothing is gained, and rounding edges and shaving off sides to fit a cleaner shape only works if you have more material to start with. Removing pieces from a classic, polishing them and filing them down does not leave you with a classic, it leaves you with holes and gaps. The time allotted per episode and the amount of episodes in a season didn't leave enough room for this modernization, in fact it didn't leave enough room for the series to breathe, with season 4 being the most damning example of this with its abysmal pacing and, at best, serviceable writing. With odd things here or there like the moomins ostensibly being vegans until season 4, or the appearance of modern appliances like freezers in moominhouse, the worst of it all in my opinion is that these things feel less like creative choices and more like revisions that reek of exterior involvement. The whole "it's a gown, not a dress" thing in season 4 epitomizes this, when in the book it's stated firmly that it is a dress that the hemulen got from his aunt. And what was the deal with the angostura plant? Is knife versus a literal plant too violent? I'm not asking for the moomins to be edgy I'm just tired of pandering to advertiser's fears of anything potentially pointy or objectionable. Change can be good, but what purpose do these and the many other changes serve?

Now, adherence entirely to the limitations of the original moomin books or even the 90s series that many fans hold dear is not a recipe for success and should not be looked to as an aspiration in my opinion. Creativity and innovation breed success, but the recipes for the moomin stories are simple and elegant. In all, I don't think changing them should be considered a sin, but i do think we should be mindful of how we change them and what we change. Dr. Seuss's wife put her foot down on film adaptations of the property following some bad movies, and while I don't think MV19 hits that mark of awful it should serve as a cautionary tale toward working with beloved materials.

I should clarify, it was not bad. It was actually a fairly enjoyable romp through moominvalley's tales, and had enough for both fans and newcomers alike. It wasn't exactly what anyone was expecting, and often felt like it backtracked in terms of character progression. The interior of the series moreso mirrored things like family guy, wherein at the end of the episode, everything within it was capped off and shelved with a complete and simple narrative A plot/B plot to boot. I personally don't find that to be satisfying and I find it ill fitting of the moomins as a whole. I'll also mention as a pet peeve, snork being autistic is cool! But sniff being highly autistic coded and being treated routinely the way he is, and then LITERALLY magically giving him empathy only for it not to ever be relevant again is something I just can't overlook. This adaptation treats sniff SO poorly which is unbecoming of the moomins in my opinion, and the way this adaptation handles things like autistic characters or characters being "weird" and then preaching inclusivity really bothers me. Everyone's welcome! Until they're not. None of these characters seem to meet the values they're known for. There's a subtle casual cruelty in this adaptation that stems from the British humor, and that's generally what I mean about it clashing. Some might praise this as making the moomins more relatable or humanizing them, but I'll tell you point blank that that's not the intention, and that they're not meant to be like you and everyone else, that's kind of the whole point.

While I did say it had enough for fans and newcomers, I will say that in an attempt to capture the way the moomins is not only suitable for and enjoyed by all ages, MV19 does exactly the opposite. The writing and the humor especially seems intent on bridging the gap between all comers, however there's fairly little charm and the jokes seem largely to befit a very young audience, but the show itself does not feel suitably enjoyable or lesson based to suit the purpose of media for that young audience. Characterizations of characters like Moominpappa as a bumbling fool with an ego problem and characters like Mrs Fillyjonk becoming catch-alls for every and any fillyjonk character in the moomins, alongside the hemulen becoming this... legion of the the same guy entirely not specific to a single entity until it suits the narrative, these feel like budgetary constraints which in turn leave the viewer feeling like none of this matters. Everything's been reduced down to a few key components, components that often don't line up with the characters' origins, and there aren't any surprises waiting given that it costs a lot of time and money (that they apparently weren't willing to invest) to model rig and voice a new character in 3D. Everything was always there from the start and you've seen it all the minute after you've seen each of the character's faces. Even props and immobile set dressings are reused blatantly and frequently. Cut, paste, ship. The woodies, mymble's kids, the hemulens, the whole lot. The firehose makes an appearance in the comet finale as the same model, which normally I'd compliment as a fun bit of homely continuity, but with the frequency of reappearing objects critters and locations, it feels... sandboxy.

Speaking of budget and constraints, the animation style is something i never got used to. Hot take, but 3D animation will never quite reach the coattails of 2D animation. It feels cheap no matter how technically impressive or high quality it is, which, to its credit, I'm not an animator but I'm aware from folks that are skilled in that area that MV19 is quite impressive. Also by the booble do not get me started on the horrible side mouth thing it really looks awful and I have opinions on that but that's not what we're here for. Anyway, whether you're for or against 3D being the go-to these days, I for one can't help but notice the drawbacks, which, often break my immersion. That's all to say nothing of things like snork going bald.

I could nitpick all day about creative choices, characters not lining up quite right, a complete lack of certain characters, or the swapping of roles and positions from what was originally one or several characters to a different character, but ultimately all of this would fail to encapsulate an actual sum of quality for the series as a whole. There's clear passion, effort, and all sorts of other good ingredients here. I can't dismiss the series as a whole, and honestly? It doesn't deserve to be dismissed, but it does reach the finish line lacking. It on its own is still enjoyable, and may even be someone's favorite I'm sure, but for me? I can't say I'm into it. There are a LARGE number of very valid complaints any given fan could muster when prompted with the question "what did you think of MV19?" and honestly far less things that this particular adaptation does that are memorable on their own merits. That being said, I very much enjoyed the time i spent with it and will surely watch it again at some point. I'm grateful for their being more moomin media going forward, and I'm glad this one went well enough. I'm grateful for MV19 bringing in new fans and bringing old ones together. I'm of the opinion that I'm happier when a show can forge memories with others rather than when a show on its own being a 10/10.

There was a lot I liked. And a lot more I didn't like. But, as Moominmamma said;

‘There’s a lot of things one can’t understand, but why should everything be exactly as one is used to having it?’

— Moominsummer Madness

Also you didn't get queerbaited stop talking about it lol

[neiptune]

I'm longing for a hunger games renaissance

[silasours]

ৎ⸝⸝⠀COCKWARMING ! —

#pairing : lucifer, alastor, vox, valentino, x gn reader. #cw : 18+ content, mdni. unprotected sex. edging. office sex. public sex. sub/power sub reader. no mentions of specific anatomy. vox is in an online meeting for work. touch starved lucifer. val blowing his smoke on you for fun. non proofread because it's six in the fuckin morning and I have not slept a wink. #summary : in which they keep themselves buried deep inside of you while being busied by other stuff. #note : save me, I've been writing nothing but hazbin smut lately. i should really start working on other shows.. alastor's a bit shorter than the others, can't really think of a solid idea for him and I wanted to get this out as soon as possible

ʚ LUCIFER .

lucifer whines when you force him to focus on his unfinished work once again. he has been going back and forth from attempting to thrust into you, but you always found a way to press him down in his place firmly. he had some unfinished work that he left sitting in his office for almost a week now, and it irritated you. that's when you offered to cockwarm him while he worked, get him to finally get his hands on those unfinished works.

being absolutely touch starved, lucifer agreed without hesitation unaware of how miserable and impatient this will make him. his hand remain on his working desk, occasionally scribbling some words and a signature on the paper filled with printed words. he does his best to resist the urge to finally thrust into you, worried that you'd leave him unsatisfied if he doesn't do as he's told.

but there's a limit to how much he can contain himself, especially when he has you sitting on his lap with his cock stuffing you to the brim, when you'd tease him so often by clenching around him or moving your hips ever so slightly. lucifer whines every time, the hand that's placed on your hip squeezing on your flesh desperately.

"can i please.. just finish this up later?" his voice muffled from nuzzling his face into your shoulder, eyes closed shut to focus on the warmth engulfing his throbbing member. you let out a small chuckle, baring your teeth into his neck to draw out those pretty moans of his; his cock leaks pathetically inside of you.

"no can do, luci. you're not going to get whatever you want until you finish up." you pull away and tilt your head slightly, pressing a soft kiss onto his jaw while giving a quick glance at the papers sprawled across his desk. he's only halfway done with them. "you're doing pretty well, no? you're halfway done."

lucifer groans, annoyed as he picks up the pen from the desk again while reading through the papers. this time, you decide to tease him a little more instead of staying still. you connect your lips with his exposed neck, sucking on the sensitive skin as your hips slowly grind against his. you hear his breath hitch, his knuckles turning white from how hard he's gripping you.

your name spills out from his lips breathlessly, following with a whimper that you love so much. you carry on with your actions, dark marks gradually bloom all over his skin like breathtaking flowers. lucifer shifts to lay his forehead on your shoulder, shuddering from pleasure; you tug on his soft hair, firm enough to lift his head up from your shoulder.

"stay focused, luci. remember what's waiting for you to finish your work."

ʚ ALASTOR .

"oh, what a twist!" alastor exclaims with his eyes glued to the book he's reading, chuckling like you're not clenching down on his cock out of desperation. your eyes are teary as you turn to peek at the page he's on, frustration brewing in your chest. upon noticing your reaction, alastor laughs while moving his hand to cup your face, leaning in with a grin. "don't you agree, my dear?"

you groan, parting your lips further enough to drop his thumb into your mouth, biting down on it. alastor mutters a small "fiesty" before buckling up his hips, watching your eyes widen from the sudden pleasure that shoots up your veins. his arm tightens around your waist to stop you from squirming around excessively.

"put.. the fuckin' book down, a-alastor.." your nails dig into his shoulder through the fabric of his shirt, the back of your other hand hovering over your mouth with a frown on your face. alastor smiles in response, holding the book between the both of you now that there's a gap.

"why, it has only gotten interesting! patience is key, darling."

"it has been almost a whole fucking hour, alast-" your words get cut off by yet another harsh thrust of his hips, an uncontrollable moan slipping off your tongue. a low, barely audible grunt could be heard coming from alastor because of how you're squeezing around him like your life depends on it.

slowly, he places the book down, pushing two digits into your mouth as his sharp nails graze past your gums. your tongue swirls around them, gaze fixated on his that seems to be mocking your desperation. you grind your hips, wanting to feel more of that sensitive spot in you being stimulated by his tip brushing against it. alastor grunts every time you tighten around him, the feeling making his skin jump and his eyes close shut from the pleasure he receives.

you reach for the book to toss it aside, not allowing him any chance to get it back and return to what he was previously putting you through. he laughs at the action before getting cut off by yet another groan, a frown slowly finds its way to spread across his face despite the grin that remains on his lips.

"the book shall wait after all."

ʚ VOX .

the sound of vox's workers and colleagues echoes through his workplace, the source of it coming from the laptop that sits in front of him. he's holding an urgent meeting with them to discuss some things about work, yet you're here obediently sitting on him, cockwarming him. your arms hug his neck tightly, hands grabbing tightly onto his shirt while listening to him speak to the people in call.

you bite down every moan that builds in your throat, not allowing any sound to be heard by anyone but your partner. times when vox isn't discussing important matters, he leans into your ear to whisper praises, thrusting into you, and stops so suddenly when you're close to release.

he grins as you whine at the sudden loss of friction, skin flushed while feeling him draw lazy circles on your hips with his thumbs. he starts speaking again just when you're about to voice your frustration, drawing out a grumble from you. you stay there unattended, glancing at the part where the two of you connect; you're craving release, and you're done waiting.

with a steady pace, you move your own hips while holding onto his shoulders for support. vox's head snaps toward your direction, teeth gritting as he bites back the groans that threaten to leave his lips. he tries to hold you down, but his body betrays him and allows you to carry on with your movements. his head tilts back to lean against the headrest of his chair, the words that his workers speak gradually shifting to a blur in his mind.

"fuck, w-wait," his breath grows heavy, barely managing to keep his eyes open as you fuck yourself on his cock. you're supposed to be cockwarming him, not riding him. he has allowed you to the point of no return, how is he going to carry on with the meeting now? you grab him and connect your lips with his, drinking in his groans like how he does to your moans.

ignoring the calls of his name from the meeting, he pulls you closer by the waist as you grind yourself on him. it wasn't until he started getting annoyed by the meeting that he broke away from the kiss, strings of saliva still connecting your lips while his hand reached out to shut the laptop down. the room falls to a sudden silence, the only sounds that remain are your heavy breathing.

"you're gonna fuck up my company if this carries on," vox snickers before crashing his lips with yours again, hands holding onto your hips to thrust into you without anything holding him back this time.

ʚ VALENTINO .

you still can't process the fact that you're in valentino's studio with his cock buried deep inside of you while people walked around to work on set. valentino takes puffs from the cigarette he holds between his fingers, often ordering and even yelling at people as they rush to obey his commands.

nobody pays any mind to the both of you; in fact, they see it as something normal. after all, they're working for a porn producer, what is there not to be normal? you keep your face stuffed in the fluff of his coat, hands gripping tightly onto his outfit while still trying to adjust to how good he stretches you apart. everyone has just started working, and the set is still being prepared for a new film.

"you're tighter than usual my love, are you that excited to be around everyone?" he teases with a mocking tone, puffing out a wisp of pink smoke onto your flushed face. you lightly shake your head with a whine, the smoke that you inhale causing your vision to spin immediately. humming, valentino lifts your body up with the help of his lower pair of arms before roughly slamming you back down onto his cock. "I doubt that. you've always loved being fucking in public, no? look at you,"

you gasp, body tensing as a moan escapes your throat. you immediately bite down on your lower lip, eyes screwing shut while simultaneously having your body trembling under his hold. you don't want to draw too much attention to yourself, yet the idea alone excites you in an odd way that you never knew it would. noting your reaction, valentino continues repeating the action before stopping promptly, feeding himself with your choked back moans.

"keep looking pretty like that while i work, i'll have a reward waiting for you." you mewl at his words, giving him a weak nod while tugging onto his shirt. he takes another long drag from his cigarette before letting his gaze fall onto the prepared set displayed in front of him, eyes scanning for the stars of the show in the room.

he would moan softly into your ear whenever you clenched around him, teasing you with his mere voice and carrying on with his work. you don't complain, though, considering how you'll be fucked into a moaning mess once he's done with work.

© silas ( @silasours ). all rights reserved. every work posted on this account belongs to me, and only me. please refrain from reposting, plagiarizing, translating, or reproducing my work in any form possible.

[albertasunrise]

Hopelessly Blind - Hope

Masterlist

Summary: After Joel loses his wife and your best friend during childbirth. You support him as he takes on parenthood on his own at 22. But when feelings start to develop, you battle with the guilt you feel for falling for your best friend’s husband.

Relationships: Joel Miller x Reader

Warnings: Like AO3 I choose to give none. Read at own risk. 18+… this is to avoid spoilers! (Sorry this has taken a while. Trying to do as much writing as I can, when I can, but ya know how it is 🤷🏼‍♀️😅… hope this was worth the wait 😘)

Series Masterlist - Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7

The weekend of Joel's BBQ was quickly upon you. You had originally planned to bail and had concocted several, of what you thought were solid lies, to get yourself out of attending the event. Still, when Tommy had bumped into you at the bar a few days prior whilst you had a few drinks with Simion, a chap from work you had started seeing, he had invited him too. So now you were stuck with no good reason to avoid what you knew was going to be a painfully awkward afternoon.

Simion was nice. You had been on a few dates since Sandy had come onto the scene. You had hoped that getting back out there would help put a dampener on these feelings you had for Joel but alas, those pesky butterflies still tore you up inside when you knocked on Joel's door and was greeted by a smiley Sarah.

"Hey, sweetheart." You said sweetly as you pecked her on the cheek "Noah is just grabbing the desert from the car if you wanna help him." You finished with a wink, chuckling as she sprinted out the door.

You announced your arrival and placed the beers that you had bought in the fridge, rubbing your sweaty palms down the front of your jeans. You turned to Simion and gave him a nervous smile before motioning your head in instruction to follow you outside. There you found Joel getting the grill set up whilst Tommy set up the lawn games. Ali was already there, having had a sleepover with Sarah the night before.

"Hi, Mum." She called out from her spot on Joel's swing seat, her nose of course buried in a book.

"Hey, baby." You called out as you placed a kiss on the crown of her head "You enjoy your sleepover with Sarah?"

She nodded excitedly before going into detail about the movies they'd watched and how Joel had braided their hair so it would be curly for today. At the mention of his name, you turned to see him watching you closely, his eyes then flicking to the man beside you and you could have sworn his features grew darker.

"I hope she was okay?" You called out to him as you took a few nervous steps closer.

"Yup. Good as always." He replied rather abruptly and you winced at his tone.

Yes… this was going to be an exceedingly painful afternoon.

Once the food was served and beers were in hand, things went from bad to unbearable. Tommy had spent an hour interrogating Simion but to your surprise, the man took it in his stride, chuckling at how absurd some of the questions were.

"We just wanna make sure you're gonna treat our girl good, right brother?" Tommy stated as he nudged Joel but his brother simply shrugged.

"Sure."

Tommy gave his brother an incredulous look, his brows drawing together before he returned his attention to you and the man sitting beside you. You couldn't help but notice how cold Joel's behaviour was. Just a week ago he was practically pleading with you not to bail on all the small traditions your two families had started and now he was looking at anyone and anything but you. He'd barely spoken two words to you either.

"Where's Sandy?" You asked a little while later. The woman's absence had not gone unnoticed and you had also noted that no apologies had been given by either Joel or Tommy for her absence.

"We broke up." Joel replied casually with a shrug of his shoulders and you couldn't stop the look of surprise from spreading across your face.

"Oh?" You said as you tried to bury the small thrill that ran through you "I'm sorry to hear that. What happened?"

"I'm sure you are." He replied coldly and you felt your patience snap.

"Do you have a problem, Miller?" You growled, taking a small amount of satisfaction from the look of surprise that filled his face as he looked at you "You've been an asshole to me and Simion ever since we arrived."

"Babe."

"No!" You interrupted your date as you continued to rip into Joel "We don't need to put up with this." You growled "Ali, baby get your stuff we're leaving. Noah sweetie, can you help her and meet us by the car."

"But mum-"

"No buts." You said sternly, not taking your eyes off of Joel "Just do it please."

Ali and Noah didn't answer back. They simply scurried off and did as you asked, leaving you, Tommy, Simion and Joel in an increasingly charged situation. When you finally broke your staring match with Joel, you stormed into the house to gather your things. Simion helped you, grabbing a few of your things and taking them to the car for you, desperately trying to get out of the house and away from what had become one of the worst afternoons you'd ever experienced. You could hear Tommy screwing at his brother through the kitchen window and you tried to ignore how satisfying it felt for the younger Miller to stick up for you for one.

You were finishing up portioning the pudding you had made into bowls and covering them in clingfilm when Joel walked into the kitchen. He watched you as you finished what you were doing before finally piping up.

"You didn't have to do that." He said, his tone different from how it had been prior to you blowing up at him.

"I made enough for all of us. Tommy and Sarah shouldn't have to miss out just because you decided to be an asshole." You growled as you placed the bowls in the fridge "Heat it in the microwave for 3 minutes when you want it." You stated before covering the rest of the desert.

Joel called your name as you scaled his kitchen but you refused to look at him. Carrying the desert over to the table, you grabbed your coat and slung it on.

"Will you just stop a moment!" He growled out and you did but still you didn't look at him.

"I'm sorry okay." He sighed as he scraped a large hand over his face "I was being an asshole… I just. I have shit going on okay and I took it out on you."

"If you have shit eating at you, you can talk to me, Joel."

"Can I?" He asked and it was your turn to look confused "Just last week you were telling me that you were going to be too busy to hang out and now you're here with a guy and-"

"What does Simion have to do with this?" You asked and Joel's mouth snapped shut as he looked away, unable to answer your question "Thanks for a lovely afternoon, Joel." You snorted as you picked up the desert you had brought and headed to the door "Not." You mumbled under your breath as you walked out the door, leaving a very guilty older Miller in your wake.

"So you just let her go?" Tommy asked as he walked in from the garden "Not gonna tell her why you've been such an insufferable ass this afternoon."

"She's with someone now. Doesn't matter." Joel growled out before walking back outside, noting how Sarah was sitting on the swing seat with her own book in her hands. He could see that she'd been crying and he felt his anger come to a head but not at you. At himself for his inability to just let shit go.

Noah found you that evening, sitting on the couch nursing a coffee and he assumed it was likely dosed with Baileys. It was your go-to drink when you needed cheering up and after the awkward conversation that he had overheard between you and Simion earlier, he knew you likely needed some cheering up.

"You doing okay mum?" He asked and you nodded before taking a small sip of your drink "You need anything?" He asked and you shook your head.

"No thank you, sweetie." You said, your voice cracking as you spoke "I'm sorry about earlier."

"Don't be." Noah said as he sat down beside you and pulled you into a comforting embrace "I'm sorry about Simion." He said after a while and you let out a shuddering breath before taking another sip of your coffee.

"Don't know what I was thinking with him, to be honest." You sighed, wiping your tears away with your sleeve "Too soon after your dad anyway."

"You know… Just before he died, Dad told me something." You looked at Noah with furrowed brows as you waited for him to continue and the boy smiled at you "He said that you and Joel had been pretty sweet on each other before he came along."

"Noah-"

"He said that he knew that the two of you were just hopelessly blind to it." He continued as his eyes drifted to a framed photo of Alec on the wall "He said that he'd always felt a little guilty for getting in the way of you two finding each other but that he was two head over heels not to want to keep you for himself."

You chuckled at that, your own eyes then drifting to the photograph that your son was looking at.

"You know it's okay." He said after a short pause and you looked back at him again "If you and Joel want to be together. I'd be okay with it."

"But Sarah…"

"We'd work it out, mum." He said as he smiled sweetly at you "All I care about is that you're happy and if being with Mr Miller does that then who are we to stop you."

"It doesn't matter baby." You said, stroking his dark locks and giving him a soft smile "Joel doesn't have feelings for me."

"But-"

"Let's just drop it okay?" Noah nodded but he knew that you were hiding something. He just wished you'd let yourself be happy for once.

.

A knock at your front door tore you away from the TV show that you had on but you weren't really watching. What Noah had said to you was still running laps in your mind and you didn't know what to make of it. Had Alec really been able to see how you felt about Joel?

Answering the door, you were surprised to see Joel standing there. Scratching the back of his neck nervously as he shifted from leg to leg as he waited for you to say something.

"What do you want Joel?" You asked, trying to feign disinterest at his sudden appearance at your door.

"Can we talk?" He asked, his brown eyes killing any resolve you had.

You motioned for him to come in before making your way to the kitchen, pouring him a mug because you knew he'd want one. He thanked you as you handed him the mug and then you both proceeded to sit in awkward silence for what felt like an age.

"So… what was it you wanted to talk about?"

"I wanted to apologise for earlier." He replied, staring at the black liquid in his mug "I was an ass and you and Simion didn't deserve that."

"You're right." You grumbled and he looked at you then, noting your expression was impossible to read "We didn't."

"I wanted to apologise to him too but I guess I'll have to when I next see him."

"We broke up." You stated plainly and Joel's head jumped back at this piece of information.

"Why?" He asked and you snorted.

"Why do you think?" You growled, "He was invited to a BBQ at the house of the chick he's dating's best friend's house and said best friend acting like a complete Hozer all afternoon."

Joel uttered your name but you continued.

"As soon as we got back he told me that he couldn't get involved in whatever drama we had going on and left." You finished as you threw back the last of your coffee.

"I'm sorry." Joel muttered again and you let out a humourless laugh as you stood to refill your drink.

"Yeah well, so am I."

"Look I-"

"Why were you being such an ass?" You interrupted him again, leaving him to flounder for an answer "I'm sorry that you and Sandy broke up and all that but it's not fair to take it out on me."

"We broke up because of you." He rushed out and your mouth snapped shut as your eyes grew wide.

"What do you mean, because of me?" You asked after a short pause and Joel let out a long sigh before he answered.

"After that night when you told me that you wouldn't be around a while, she came over and I was talking to her about what it was that I had done wrong." He started and you shook your head as you answered.

"You didn't do anything wrong Joel."

"But then she told me that you had feelings for me." This statement made your body jolt and you opened your mouth to answer but didn't get the chance "She said that it was really obvious that you had feelings for me so I went to your house to talk to you about it…" He trailed off as his eyes grew sad at the memory "I parked up across the street and I was about to get out of my truck when you answered opened your door and there was Simion."

"Joel-"

"I knew she was wrong but to see it with my own two eyes just felt like a punch to the gut." He sighed "So a few days later I called it off with Sandy. Then Tommy told me he'd run into you and your new boyfriend and that he had invited him to the BBQ and I just… I dunno I just wanted to hate him so badly because he was with you and-"

Joel didn't get to finish his sentence. He was silenced by your lips on his and pulling away you grinned at him like a cat who'd gotten the cream before saying "She wasn't wrong." The two of you stared at each other for a moment. The air between you crackled with pent-up energy before you were both kissing again. You both allowed 10 years' worth of feelings to bleed into this kiss. You both felt like you needed to make up for lost time. Like if you stopped this kiss, the moment would disappear like a puff of smoke and it would have never happened.

So you didn't think twice when you opened Joel's jeans and pulled out his straining erection. Grinning at the whimper your hand around his member pulled from him. You climbed onto his lap and in the blind of an eye, your underwear was being pushed to one side and you were sliding down his impressively thick length.

You rested your brow against his as you allowed yourself a moment to adjust. It had been a while since you'd fucked anyone so the burn was both delicious but also took your breath away. Yet, when his hands cupped your ass and urged you to move, you soon found yourself languidly bouncing on his lap, moaning into his mouth as he hit your sweet spot as if he were made for you.

"Fuck, you feel incredible." He purred in your ear as you fought hard not to scream his name, his thumb not rubbing your needy clit and bringing you closer to your orgasm.

"Fuck." You whimpered as you bounced a little faster in his lap "Fuck Joel… you're gonna make me cum." You sobbed and he grinned.

"Cum." He purred in your ear and you did, squeezing him so tight that he fell over the edge with you.

Then the two of you were left panting in each other's arms as you soaked in the after-sex bliss. Kissing each other lazily as you came down from your highs.

"What does this mean?" You asked after a pleasant bout of silence and Joel smiled as he answered.

"It means, can I take you for dinner this week?" You smiled at him sweetly as you kissed him in answer, feeling him start to harden inside you again.

"Definitely."

Next

For updates follow @albertasunrise-ficsblog

[a-not-so-clean-blog]

Kakashi x book store reader

2250 words

♦️mentions smut but nothing actually happens

“Hey Kakashi, how was your last mission?” You rest your head in your palm as you lean against the counter. The bookshop was empty except for the white haired avid reader who would always stop in between missions to get some new reading material.

“Uneventful. It was mostly traveling so I was able to finish the last book you recommended.” He bashfully scratched his cheek as he avoided eye contact. “Did any more icha icha books come out yet?.”

“Not yet, but rumor has it he's supposed to be releasing another one soon. When I get one in you'll be the first to know.” You push off the counter and grab a small paper bag from the shelf behind you. Sliding the bag over to Kakashi, he looks interested but doesn't say anything. “In the meantime I think you'll like this book.”

He opened the bag and inspected the small book carefully. There was no description on the back and the cover simply had the title ‘wayward travelers’ printed on the front. Looking inside there wasn't even an ‘about the author’ blurb. “Hmmm? Well this certainly looks mysterious.”

“It's by a new author who hasn't even decided on a pen name yet, but the story itself is pretty good. Try it out and if you don't like it I'll do a full refund.” You say nonchalantly.

“No need for the trouble. You've given good recommendations before and I'm sure this one will be fine too.” You smile as he puts some coins on the counter and heads towards the door. “I'm heading out for my next mission but I'll let you know about the book when I get back.”

You wave as he leaves but once he's out of sight you clutch your chest as soon as the door bell rings shut. Heart thundering like a war drum you struggle to calm your nerves. You gave him the book and you kept a solid poker face while you did it. Everything will be fine, it'll be fine…it has to be. Now all that's left to do is calm your racing anxieties and wait for him to come back.

The next week was worse than torture. Thoughts constantly drifting back to Kakashi and the fear of how he would react to the book. It's far from the first time you have given him smut, actually that's mostly what he reads, but what would he think if he found out you wrote it?! You tried to shake the thought from your head but it kept creeping back into your skull. No, you're sure he didn't see your nervousness when you gave it to him, there's no way he can find out.

Not being able to take the book back was the biggest issue. Would he be able to tell that you were the one who wrote it? What if the writing was bad? What if the kinks you put in he doesn't like! Insecurities clawed at the back of your mind like a beast digging at a cage.

Suddenly, you're dragged out of your thoughts from the bell chiming above the door.

Putting on your best customer service smile you turn and greet whoever came in. “Welcome to the book stop, let me know if you have any questions.” an older woman thanked you and made her way to the back of the store. Before the thoughts of your book could return the bell rang again. You had to swallow the lump in your throat when you saw the handsome silver haired shinobi approaching the counter. “W-welcome back. How was the mission?” You mentally kick yourself for the stutter, but grateful for the recovery.

“It was easy. Honestly it could have been handled by a chunin, I don't know why they sent a full jounin team.” He slips the book from his pocket and dangles it in front of you. “Gave me a good opportunity to read the book though.” You could hear the smile in his voice.

“Ah, well… what did you think of it?” You tried so hard to maintain a casual air but you struggled to look him in the eye.

“It was pretty good, some scenes could have been worded better, but for a new author I'd say it's good. I definitely enjoyed it.” Something flashed in his eye. The same look a cat might give to a mouse. It made your heart race just a little faster. Your mouth went a little dry and thankfully Kakashi took your silence as a sign to continue. “You know a lot of authors tend to put a bit of themselves into their characters.” He opened the book and started thumbing through the pages. “Makes me curious about the love interest in this book…”

“Oh really?” You had to fight to keep your voice steady. “What about them?”

Even without looking at him you can feel his dark eye sizing you up. “Not much about their personality, but the way they talk is familiar.” he let out a low hum. “It made me think about who the author took inspiration from.”

Kakashi goes into a full analysis about the character's personalities and how that relates to the author's own personality and experience. The more he talked the more sweaty your palms became. You feared if he leaned over the counter than he'd be able to hear your heart beating rapidly in your chest, pounding at your ribs and making it hard to breathe. Despite everything you still did a good job of keeping a cool demeanor. At least you thought you did.

You were only granted a moment of relief from kakashi's author analysis when the old woman who came in before approached the counter to buy a recipe book. He politely stood off to the side watching you work as you put the woman's book in a bag and sent her on her way with a smile and a wave.

When you turn your attention back to Kakashi you can see his cheeks are raised and you can only imagine the Cheshire smile that he has stretched across his lips. How many hours have you fantasized about what they actually look like?

“Y’know as a Shinobi I don't just read books, in fact I'm quite skilled at reading people too. It's always so easy to tell when someone's keeping a secret from me~” His cool relaxed voice turned into something more melodic and teasing. He returns to leaning against the counter, ever so slightly closing the distance between you two.

“And what exactly do you think I'm keeping from you?” You say with an even and cautious tone.

“The author.”

A chill ran up your spine the moment you heard his words. “And why would you think that I'm the author?” the words fell out of your mouth a little more exasperated than you wanted.

“I never said you were.” Your face went pale as you realized you gave yourself away, and in the stupidest way possible.

“Well I'm not.” You try to sound dignified but the slight wave in your voice makes it obvious to him and yourself that you're lying, and doing a poor job at it.

Kakashi lets out a slight chuckle. “It really was a good book. Honestly if I didn't spend so much time talking to you I don't think I would have picked up on the nuances. You write like how you talk, almost like you are telling the story yourself.” He leans over the counter and tilts his head. A look that any under any other circumstances would have been cute but now only makes you feel more vulnerable.

It was getting harder to maintain eye contact with how flustered you'd become. “Okay you figured out it was me. You can go let me die of embarrassment in peace now.” You tried to save what little dignity you felt you had left and buried your face in your hands.

You begrudgingly moved your hands when you heard his siren call of a laugh. “Next time you want to write smut about a ‘hot rogue shinobi’ how about you name him Sukea.”

“Oh, so now you want to write my characters?” you can't help but laugh a little as you return some of his playfulness. Exasperation pushed your embarrassment to the back of your mind temporarily.

“Not at all” He lifts his hands in mock surrender. “I just think if I'm going to be the inspiration then I should give you something to work with. Don't you think~” again that look flashes in his eye. Something predatory and mischievous at the same time. A single look that's enough to send goosebumps across your skin.

“What did you have in mind?” Again under his gaze your confidence wavered. He didn't seem to mind though as he started walking around the counter, slowly creeping up on you.

“hmmm~ How about a weary shinobi returns from his long, hard mission… finally back in the comfort of his village he finds the one person he's had his eye on for years but still hasn't said anything to them. Nothing romantic at least.” Slowly he keeps moving forward until he's practically on top of you. One more step and you step back, your back pressed against the wall. “Eventually, our hero works up the courage to ask his favorite shop keep to go to a public hot spring with him. Somewhere he can relax after his mission.” Your bodies are now pressed against each other. You can feel his body heat radiating off of him. You're actually close enough to see the smallest tint of pink dusting his cheeks right above his mask. “But of course we need a plot twist. The bath house is full so there's nothing else to do but get a private bath just for the two of them.” His hands made their way to your waist and slid back to barely ghost over your ass before going to rest just above your thighs. A light squeeze before his hands explore just a little more.

You are so caught up in the moment that you never realized how much faster your heartbeat was, how ragged your breathing had become, or how you simply stared at his eye, totally mesmerized by his words.

Your heart leaps into your throat as the doorbell chimed again. Quickly you turn to see who came in and two young boys noisily made their way to the comic section without giving you a second glance. Your head whips back to look at Kakashi only to see that he's gone.

In the blink of an eye Kakashi was back on the customer side of the counter and the book you wrote laid on the floor where he was just standing. Finally, without the presence of Kakashi's body heat against you, you became painfully aware of just how hot your face was. You were met with a masked shinobi giving you what you assume is a closed eye smile, and he looked just as cool and composed as he always did. Fuck, your heart was ready to bust out of your chest.

“How does that sound for inspiration?” His smooth voice brought you right back to the butterflies in your stomach. What you wouldn't give to go back in time and lock the door before anybody could come in and disturb you. “Maybe you'd like some real experience for reference?” His voice was a little less teasing then his expression showed. Perhaps this was actually a genuine question from him.

It took only a moment for you to find your voice again. “I close the shop at 7.”

Kakashi sat up a little straighter. “Great! I'll meet you outside at 7:30 then.”

“Sounds like a date?” the statement came out more like a question and you intended, but you were just glad that your voice didn't crack. Hope was not something you were used to, especially not in the romance department.

“It sure does~” Your chest suddenly felt lighter, a huge weight being lifted from your shoulders. He pushed himself off the counter and headed towards the door. “See ya later.”

Just as he reached for the doorknob he stopped in his tracks. “Oh, I don't like writing in books, but I left a few notes for the ‘author’. Take a look when you get a chance.” and with that he was gone. The door chimed behind him and you were left alone with your thoughts again.

Finally your body catches up with your brain. You bend down to pick up the book he left behind. Your book. The simple object that started this whole wonderful mess. Once opened your eyes widened on just how many little notes were wedged between the pages. Quotes transcribed with little faces next to them. His opinions on different scenes that you wrote, things he thought were cute or funny. Once again he managed to make your face go bright red when you got halfway through the notes and he described in glorious detail exactly how the sex scenes made him feel. Some of the notes you could tell the penmanship was shaky. A small detail that gave you a bit of a deeper glimpse into how he was feeling. A small detail that made your heart race a little faster.

Perhaps your favorite note that he left was the one that simply said ‘I would love to try this with you, if you'd let me.’.

[thesublemon]

best picture

For the first time in a long time, I watched all of the movies nominated for Best Picture at the Oscars this year. Partly on a whim, partly for a piece I’ve been working on for a while about what is going wrong in contemporary artmarking. I cannot say that the experience made me feel any better or worse about contemporary movies than I already felt, which was pretty bad. But sometimes to write about a hot stove, you gotta put your hand on one. So. The nominees for coldest stove are:

Poor Things. Did not like enough to finish. I always want to like something that is making an effort at originality, strangeness, or style. Unfortunately, the execution of those things in this movie felt somehow dull and thin. Hard to explain how. Maybe the movie’s motif of things mashed together (baby-woman, duck-dog, etc) is representative. People have been mashing things together since griffins, medleys, Avatar the Last Airbender’s animals, Nickelodeon’s Catdog, etc. Thing + thing is elementary-level weird. And while there’s nothing wrong with a simple, or well-worn premise, there is a greater burden on an artist to do something interesting with it, if they go that route. And Poor Things does not. Its themes are obvious and belabored (the difficulty of self-actualization in a world that violently infantilizes you) and do not elevate the premise. There’s a fine line between the archetypal and the hackish, and this movie falls on the wrong side of it. It made me miss Crimes of the Future (2022), a recent Cronenberg that was authentically original and strange, with the execution to match.

Anatomy of a Fall. Solid, but not stunning. The baseline level of what a ‘good’ movie should be. It was written coherently and economically, despite its length. It told a story that drew you along. I wanted to know what happened, which is the least you can ask from storytelling. It had some compelling scenes that required a command of character and drama to write—particularly the big argument scene. The cinematography was not interesting, but it was not annoying either. It did its job. This was not, however, a transcendent movie.

Oppenheimer. Did not like enough to finish. But later forced myself to, just so no one could accuse me of not knowing what I was talking about when I said I disliked it. I felt like I was being pranked. The Marvel idea of what a prestige biopic should be. Like Poor Things, it telegraphed its artsiness and themes and has raked in accolades for its trouble. But obviousness is not the same as goodness and this movie is not good. The imagery is painfully literal. A character mentions something? Cut to a shot of it! No irony or nuance added by such images—just the artistry of a book report. The dialogue pathologically tells instead of shows. It constantly, cutely references things you might have heard of, the kind of desperate audience fellation you see in soulless franchise movies. Which is a particularly jarring choice given the movie’s subject matter. ‘Why didn’t you get Einstein for the Manhattan project’ Strauss asks, as if he’s saying ‘Why didn’t you get Superman for the Avengers?’ If any of this referentiality was an attempt to say something about mythologization, it failed—badly. The movie is stuffed with famous and talented actors, but it might as well not have been, given how fake every word out of their mouths sounded. Every scene felt like it had been written to sound good in a trailer, rather than to tell a damn story. All climax and no cattle.

Barbie. Did not like enough to finish. It had slightly more solidity in its execution than I was afraid it would have, so I will give it that. If people want this to be their entertainment I will let them have it. But if they want this to be their high cinema I will have to kill myself. Barbie being on this list reminds me of the midcentury decades of annual movie musical nominations for Best Picture. Sometimes deservingly. Other times, less so. The Music Man is great, but it’s not better than 8 1/2  or The Great Escape, neither of which were nominated in 1963. Musicals tend to appeal to more popular emotions, which ticket-buyers and award-givers tend to like, and critics tend to dislike. I remember how much Pauline Kael and Joan Didion hated The Sound of Music (which won in 1966), and have to ask myself if in twenty years I’ll think of my reaction to Barbie the same way that I think of those reviews: justified, but perhaps beside the point of other merits. Thing is. Say what you want about musicals, but that genre was alive back then. It was vital. Bursting with creativity. For all Kael’s bile, even she acknowledged that The Sound of Music was “well done for what it is.” [1] Contemporary cinema lacks such vitality, and Barbie is laden with symptoms of the malaise. It repeatedly falls back on references to past aesthetic successes (2001: A Space Odyssey, Singin’ in the Rain, etc) in order to have aesthetic heft. It has a car commercial in the middle. It’s about a toy from 60 years ago and politics from 10 years ago. It tries to wring some energy and meaning from all of that but not enough to cover the stench of death. I’d prefer an old musical any day.

American Fiction. Was okay. It tried to be clever about politics, but ended up being clomping about politics. At the end of the day, it just wasn’t any more interesting than any other ‘intellectual has a mid-life crisis’ story, even with the ‘twist’ of it being from a black American perspective. Even with it being somewhat self-aware of this. But it could have been a worse mid-life crisis story. The cinematography was terrible. It was shot like a sitcom. Much of the dialogue was sitcom-y too. I liked the soundtrack, what I could hear of it. The attempts at style and meta (the characters coming to life, the multiple endings) felt underdeveloped. Mostly because they were only used a couple times. In all, it felt like a first draft of a potentially more interesting movie. 

The Zone of Interest.Wanted to like it more than I did. Unfortunately, you get the point within about five minutes. If you’ve seen the promotional image of the people in the garden, backgrounded by the walls of Auschwitz, then you’ve already seen the movie. Which means that all the rest of the movie ends up feeling like pretentious excess instead of moving elaboration. It seemed very aware of itself as an Important Movie and rested on those laurels, cinematically speaking, in a frustrating way. It reminded me of video art. I felt like I had stepped through a black velvet drape into the side room of a gallery, wondering at what point the video started over. And video art has its place, but it is a different medium. Moreover video art at its best, like a movie at its best, takes only the time it needs to say what it needs to say. 

Past Lives. I’m a human being, and I respond to romance. I appreciate the pathos of sweet yearning and missed chances. And I understand how the romance in this movie is a synecdoche for ambivalent feelings about many kinds of life choices, particularly the choice to be an immigrant and choose one culture over another. The immigrant experience framing literalizes the way any choice can make one foreign to a past version of oneself, or the people one used to know, even if in another sense one is still the same person. So, I appreciate the emotional core of what (I believe) this movie was going for, and do think it succeeded in some respects. And yet…I was very irritated by most of its artistic choices. I found the three principal characters bland and therefore difficult to care about, sketched with only basic traits besides things like Striving and Being In Love. Why care who they’d be in another life if they have no personalities in this one? It’s fine to make characters symbols instead of humans if the symbolic tapestry of a movie is interesting and rich, but the symbolic tapestry of this movie was quite simple and straightforward. Not that that last sentence even matters much, since the movie clearly wanted you to feel for the characters as human beings, not just symbols. Visually, the cinematography was dull and diffuse, with composition that was either boring or as subtle as a hammer to the head.

Maestro. Did not like enough to finish. Something strange and wrong about this movie. It attempts to perform aesthetic mimicry with impressive precision—age makeup, accents, period cinematography—but this does not make the movie a better movie. At most it creates spectacle, at worst it creates uncanny valleys. It puts one on the lookout for irregularities, instead of allowing one to disappear into whatever the movie is doing. Something amateurishly pretentious in the execution. And not in the fun, respectable way, like a good student film. (My go-to example for a movie that has an art-school vibe in a pleasant way is The Reflecting Skin). There’s something desperate about it instead. It has the same disease as Oppenheimer, of attempting to do a biopic in a ‘stylish’ way without working on the basics first. Fat Man and Little Boy is a less overtly stylish rendition of the same subject as Oppenheimer, but far more cinematically successful to me, because it understands those basics. I would prefer to see the Fat Man and Little Boy of Leonard Bernstein’s life unless a filmmaker proves that they can do something with style beyond mimicry and flash.

The Holdovers. Did not like enough to finish. It tries to be vintage, but outside of a few moments, it does not succeed either at capturing what was good about the aesthetic it references, or at using the aesthetic in some other interesting way. The cinematography apes the tropes of movies and TV from the story’s time period, but doesn't have interesting composition in its own right. It lacks the solidity that comes from original seeing. (Contrast with something like Planet Terror, in which joyous pastiche complements the original elements.) The acting is badly directed. Too much actorliness is permitted. Much fakeness in general between the acting, writing, and visual language. If a movie with this same premise was made in the UK in the 60’s or 70's it would probably be good. As-is the movie just serves to make me sad that the ability to make such movies is apparently lost and can only be hollowly gestured at. That said, the woman who won best supporting actress did a good job. She was the only one who seemed to be actually acting.

Killers of the Flower Moon. The only possible winner. It is not my favorite of Scorsese’s movies, but compared to the rest of the lineup it wins simply by virtue of being a movie at all. How to define ‘being a movie’? Lots of things I could say that Killers of the Flower Moon has and does would also be superficially true of other movies in this cohort. Things like: it tells a story, with developed characters who drive that story. Or: it uses its medium (visuals, sound) to support its story and its themes. The difference comes down to richness, specificity, control, and a je ne sais quois that is beyond me to describe at the moment. Compare the way Killers of the Flower Moon uses a bygone cinematic style (the silent movie) to the way that Maestro and The Holdovers do. Killers of the Flower Moon uses a newsreel in its opening briefly and specifically. The sequence sets the scene historically, and gives you the necessary background with the added panache of confident cuts and music. It’s useful to the story and it’s satisfying to watch. Basics. But the movie doesn’t limit itself to that, because it’s a good movie. The sequence also sets up ideas that will be continuously developed over the course of the movie.* And here’s the kicker—the movie doesn’t linger on this sequence. You get the idea, and it moves on to even more ideas. Also compare this kind of ideating to American Fiction’s. When I said that American Fiction’s moments of style felt underdeveloped, I was thinking of movies like Killers of the Flower Moon, which weave and evolve their stylistic ideas throughout the entire runtime.

*(Visually, it places the Osage within a historical medium that the audience probably does not associate with Native Americans, or the Osage in particular. Which has a couple of different effects. First, it acts as a continuation of the gushing oil from the previous scene. It’s an interruption. A false promise. Seeming belonging and power, but framed all the while by a foreign culture. Meanwhile potentially from the perspective of that culture, it’s an intrusion on ‘their’ medium. And of course, this promise quickly decays into tragedy and death. The energy of the sequence isn’t just for its own sake—it sets up a contrast. But on a second, meta level it establishes the movie’s complicated relationship to media and storytelling. Newsreels, photos, myths, histories, police interviews, and a radio play all occur over the course of the movie. And there’s the movie Killers of the Flower Moon itself. Other people’s frames are contrasted with Mollie’s narration. There’s a repeated tension between communication as a method of knowing others and a method of controlling them—or the narrative of them—which plays out in both history and personal relationships.)

Or here’s another example: When Mollie and Ernest meet and he drives her home for the first time, we see their conversation via the car’s rearview mirrors. This is a bit of cinematic language that has its origins in mystery and paranoia. You see it in things like Hitchcock or The X-Files or film noir. By framing the scene with this convention, the movie turns what is superficially a romantic meet-cute (to quote a friend) into something bubbling with uneasiness and dread. This is not nostalgia—this is just using visuals to create effects. It doesn’t matter if you’ve seen anything that uses the convention before, although knowing the pedigree might add to your enjoyment. The watchfulness suggested by the mirrors and Ernest’s cut-off face will still add an ominous effect. It works for the same reason it works in those other things. Like the newsreel, it is a specific and concise stylistic choice, and it results in a scene that is doing more than just one thing.

In general, the common thread I noticed as I watched these nominees, was the tendency to have the ‘idea’ of theme or style, and then stop there. It’s not that the movies had nothing in them. There were ideas, there was use of the medium, there was meaning to extract. There were lots of individually good moments. But they tended to feel singular, or repetitive, or tacked on. Meanwhile contemporary viewers are apparently so impressed by the mere existence of theme or style, that being able to identify it in a movie is enough to convince many that the movie is also good at those things. The problem with this tendency—in both artists and audiences—is that theme and style are not actually some extra, remarkable, inherently rarifying property of art. Theme emerges naturally from a story with any kind of coherence or perspective. And style emerges naturally from any kind of artistic attitude. They are as native as script, or narrative, or character. A movie’s theme and style might not be interesting, just like its story or dialogue might not be interesting, but if the movie is at all decent, they should exist. What makes a movie good or bad, then, is how it executes its component parts—including theme and style—in service of the whole. When theme is well-executed it is well-developed. Contemporary movies, unfortunately, seem to have confused ‘well-developed’ with ‘screamingly obvious.’ A theme does not become well-developed by repetition. It becomes well-developed by iterationand integration. Theme is like a melody. Simply repeating a single melody over and over does not result in the song becoming more interesting or entertaining. It becomes tedious. However, if you modify the melody each time you play it, or diverge from the melody and then return to it, that can get exciting. It results in different angles on the same idea, such that the idea becomes more complex over time, instead of simply louder.

Oppenheimer wasprobably the worst offender in this regard. Just repeat your water drops, crescendoing noise, or a line about ‘destroying the world’, and that’s the same as nuance, right? Split scenes into color and black and white and that’s the same as structure, right? That’s the same as actually conveying a difference between objectivity and interiority (or another dichotomy) via the drama or visual composition contained in the scenes, right? When I watched many of these movies, I kept thinking of a behind-the-scenes story from Buffy the Vampire Slayer. The story goes that Joss Whedon was directing Sarah Michelle Gellar in some scene, and when the take was over he told her how great she was, and that he could see right where the music would come in. And Gellar replied that if he was thinking about the music, he clearly wasn’t getting enough from her acting alone. This conversation then supposedly informed Whedon’s approach to “The Body,” a depiction of the immediate aftermath of death that is considered one of the best episodes of television ever made, and which has no non-diegetic music whatsoever. Not to imply that music is necessarily a crutch, or to pretend that “The Body” is lacking in other forms of stylization (it is a very style-ish episode). But more to illustrate the way that it is easy to forget to make the most of all aspects of a medium, particularly the most fundamental ones, once one has gotten used to what a final product is supposed to feel like. 

And that’s why most of these movies don’t feel like movies. They create the gestalt of a movie or a ‘cinematic’ moment—often literally through direct vintage imitation—without a sense of the first principles. Or demonstrating a sense of them, anyway. Who needs AI when the supposedly highest level of human filmmakers are already cannibalistically cargo-culting the medium just fine.

[1] “The Sound of Money (The Sound of Music and The Singing Nun).” The Pauline Kael Reader. (This book contains the full text of the original review, rather than the abbreviated review that I linked earlier.) 

[whimsical-roasting]

“Coach Ted, how do you feel about group cohesion and dance breaks?”

thinking about random moments shared in the jamie tartt x psych major!reader fic i have in my head... just cute shit tbh

okay so the reader has been with the Richmond club for a solid few months, she’s a familiar face and friendly to the team but not super close with everybody, minus Colin and surprisingly,,, Jamie hehe

the team seems to be having a serious tie-streak going on, and they’re all kinda bummed by it

Ted’s obviously still Ted, unwavering winners mindset that basically means ‘do your best, give yourself a pat, shake it off, and repeat’ - with the addition of a smile ofc!

the reader has been doing readings for her org psych class and knows that raising group morale is necessary but also so so hard.

sometimes motivational speeches just don’t cut it yknow?? sometimes you gotta think outside of the box to fix the vibes and spread positivity

so there she is, standing in the coach’s office with a bluetooth speaker in her hand, nervously waiting for it to be her turn to speak

“Coach Ted,” she calls him in a manner that’s playful but still professional - he’s insisted on just Ted in the past and she’s complied but for serious conversations, she enjoys leading with a ‘subtle sense of professionalism’

“Coach Ted, how do you feel about group cohesion and dance breaks?” she asks, fiddling with the speaker in her hand

“Well darlin, I love a good flash mob. Gosh, those folks must keep in touch, right?” He directs his eyes to Beard, who peaks over his book and replies affirmingly, “a bond has been formed,” causing both you and Ted to smile

“Well, less flash mob but more like... a bi-weekly dance break?” she continues as Ted’s eyes land on her again. “I know the boys are bummed with the tie-streak and I was reading in my org psych textbook about the importance of autonomy in decorating our workspaces, and how group morale helps cohesion which’ll lead to better attitudes and hopefully better performance - not that our performance has been poor, it’s been great, I’m proud of the boys really! But, it sucks to see them bummed out...So maybe a twice-a-week-song-dance-break will lift spirits??” 

she’s rambling. she’s nervous!! it’s a good idea tbh but still, sharing means being vulnerable and the potential of getting rejected

Ted politely waits for her to finish, nodding along and then grins, “sounds wonderful darlin! Hey, maybe you can get the boys to give some song suggestions to help with the whole autonomy thing you mentioned.” 

she’s happy !! grinning as she steps out to the locker room, dragging out the whiteboard from the corner and scribbling in a lil corner of it

Jamie’s eyes follow her silently. truth be told, they followed her when she entered and disappeared into the coach’s office. but he smiles a lil seeing her grin at herself

when she’s done with the whiteboard, she calls for attention and lets the boys know to write down their suggestions, and she’ll choose two songs for the week randomly!! she emphasizes nervously that it should help according to her textbooks and Jamie is silently nodding, eyes drifting to her hands as she fiddles with the whiteboard marker

Dani is the first to speak, “pardon me, can it be Spanish songs too?” and she smiles really big, “anything you like!!” 

Isaac adds, “yea bruv, I fuck wit Bad Bunny” and there’s a wave of approving noises from the rest

SO, the plan has been implemented, and it’s frickin working!!! 

the boys always look forward to whose song is chosen - lots of rap, some taylor swift, Work Hard Play Hard makes them go nuts, some musical songs from Colin but it’s okay cause the lads are hyped over Hamilton 

Ted gets into it!! dancing!! Dani and Jan Maas share an imaginary mic!! it’s great, but Jamie’s favourite part is seeing her join them in the locker rooms for every dance break grooving to the music

one day SHE chooses the song... “Keep Your Head Up” by Andy Grammer cause the team seemed extra tired and bummed

everyone’s like ??? who chose this?? she’s like ‘me. I did.’

she’s trying to break the tension, so she takes her imaginary mic and goes to Ted, then Colin, then Sam, and soon everyone’s into it - just happily singing and dancing

she somehow ends up next to Jamie, shoulders bumping. she’s swaying as she faces him, playfully mouthing the lyrics to him as he smiles with a slight blush (not that she notices cause she’s blushing too)

they’re both dancing close to each other, and she lightly pokes his chin when the song goes, “you gotta keep your head up”, reaching up to pull down his headband at, “and you can let your hair down,” grinning at him when he’s like ‘hey!! :o... >:)’

the song ends, and they’re still laughing at each other, holding hands...a bit longer than they should tbh hehehe. Jamie loves her energy and kindness, it matches his goofiness and makes him wanna be a better person

but anyways!!! they pull away, hoping no one notices.. some do but don’t say anything

[fancytrinkets]

veilguard impressions

spoilers ahead. a list of my opinions and impressions as I play this game

basic starting notes after having played for 30+ hours

overall I am having fun playing this game

there are things I like and things I don't like. these are subjective and I don't think everyone is going to share these opinions or agree with me

I am not going to give an overall opinion of how much I liked it until I've finished playing

things I like so far

the way the characters look. I do like the character design style quite a lot

seeing characters from the books and stories: the crows from Tevinter Nights; Felassan from The Masked Empire; Maevaris from the comics and Tevinter Nights

the look of returning characters that I've met so far. I honestly think Dorian looks FANTASTIC. I do wish Morrigan and Isabela looked a little bit older in their face textures, but overall I love the look. (For Morrigan I'm also willing to let it go by imagining she can magic the subtle signs of aging away or something like that)

exploring scenes from Solas' past in the Crossroads

the Portal-style open-the-way-forward puzzles are fun because they're new (not sure how they'll hold up on multiple replay; could become annoying, I imagine)

that Rook has a unique conflict in their backstory, based on faction, and other characters mention and react to it. it feels like a solid way of rethinking the playable origin-story from Origins

the continuity with DA2 in having Varric as the narrator, speaking over beautifully illustrated backgrounds during some transitions

the continuity with Origins in having cutscenes of the antagonists play during transitions

combat related: I like the chained moves being mapped to buttons; I am still getting a feel for them; I imagine it would be harder if I didn't have an xbox elite controller with paddles, mapped to the ABXY buttons in addition to the buttons themselves

combat-related: using the bow is pretty fun. I never like archer builds, but I'm enjoying rogue plus bow a LOT. the smooth transition from blades to bow and back is great

not as much inventory management: I have spent plenty of my gaming life customizing swords while comparing them to every other sword in my inventory. I'm okay letting this stuff get simplified for me

Dorian DOES know Emmerich previously, a fellow necromancer, and I appreciate that!

Mae having been kicked out of the magisterium and the Lucerni disbanded a year before the present, and Dorian being the magister on the inside for the Shadow Dragons. That played out in a way that was pretty close to what I anticipated based on what we know of Tevinter politics

things I dislike so far

some of the companion conversations feel like they've been workshopped for a generation that's much younger than me — which is fine, but there are some things the characters say to each other that strike me as... well, YOUNG, and not the kind of dialogue I'd write if it were me

I'm also ready for varric to step aside as a character in game. while I appreciate his narration, I'm finding his pep talks and advice to be a little grating. though, depending on how I feel at the end of the game, I might find some fanfic inspiration in this feeling, so I'm actually not salty about it, just noticing my own reaction here

I'm finding I choose characters to accompany me based on who can prime and detonate the specific combat moves; and that feels limiting in a way that I wasn't expecting. I often pick one character who feels relevant to the mission, then default to whomever can prime or detonate for them

I totally missed the "customize your Inquisitor" side panel at the start of the game. disappointed enough at having generic FLavellan show up that I quit my first Rook and am now replaying on story mode to catch up to all the time and plot I lost

things I haven't formed a full opinion about yet

the combat overall. it is VERY different from all previous games, and I'm honestly not even comparing it to previous titles in the series because it is a whole new thing. the dodging and chained moves remind me of Elden Ring, but I find Elden Ring combat is more satisfying for me. the explosions and pacing remind me of the Borderlands franchise, but Borderlands was also more satisfying for me. I don't love it OR hate it. I'm kind of in the middle, I guess. Though, like I said, I'm fond of the bow

the Veil Jumpers. (I chose this background with my first Rook before I quit to replay.) I think I get what the writers were going for. Solas unleashes some new weird shit and the Dalish start checking it out and then recruiting more people to investigate. that feels reasonable to me. also, even though the mood is cheerful, it's clear a LOT of them are dying. I appreciate that because they are running around poking at unstable magic and malfunctioning old relics... but yeah, the cheerful mood and the "can do" vibe feels a little off to me in a way I'm not totally sure how to explain. it's almost like the writers realized the past games had written the Dalish into a really weird corner where they were "stuck in the past" but also uneducated about so much of their own history. and now they are trying to remake them into a newer, more "fun" group of people. it's just... a thing I notice

the choice between Minrathous and Treviso. I haven't seen how this plays out in the endgame yet, but I'm expecting a break or betrayal from Lucanis after choosing to fight with Minrathous instead. (I was planning to romance Neve with my first Rook, so that choice seemed important; I'm going to make the same choice with my remade Rook, as a Shadow Dragon whose home is Minrathous) So... yeah, I'm kind of hoping Lucanis will unleash an unholy mess upon us based on that choice. It feels very Mass Effect, but if the Virmire survivor lived and was changed by the experience of being abandoned by Shepard. I am hoping it goes poorly in the later part of the game, but you know, we'll see...

companion characters. I am reserving judgment until I've finished the game and of course I've spent more time with some than others due to the recruitment timings. at the moment I'm personally most fond of Neve, Davrin, and Taash (though I just met Taash, so will need more time to solidify that opinion. I think she's going to be my remade Rook's romance instead of Neve). I like Lucanis; he doesn't feel like a personal favorite, but I like him. Harding is fine; overall she's a bit too sunshine for my tastes, but I like her well enough. I will probably like Emmerich more as I continue to play. I feel like I just met him. Bellara is the one I'm struggling with most, but I think that's connected to my mixed feelings on the Veil Jumper faction in a way I haven't figure out entirely yet

the story arc overall. I don't have a handle on how I feel about what's happening and so I'm reserving judgment on until it I've completed the game for the first time

[silverskye13]

Hi again! Unrelated to cat pics, I do have a book-related question. (Sorry for sending two asks in one night. I only thought of this after sending the fuzz goblin orz). I just finished The Twisted Ones by T. Kingfisher after seeing it in a list of books you recommended. Given that it's the first non-audio book I've finished in a while, it's safe to say I really liked it! I remember you'd mentioned in the post that you were real into horror, so I was curious if you had any other spooky recommendations you wanted to share. No pressure to respond, of course! Just curious :>

Don't worry about sending multiple asks! If I feel like I can't answer them I will save them for later ^_^

And! Ah!! Let me do some digging. Horror/thriller books fun. Spook books rec list under the cut!

I probably don't need to recommend it, since you've already read one, but T. Kingfisher makes really fun horror. Creepy and suspenseful. I also liked The Hollow Places by her, and her Sworn Soldier books are also horror! For body horror and language, I would rate her horror book somewhere above PG-13 but below R.

I'm also going to blanket recommend Darcey Coates. I have read around 6? Of her books? And there was only one I didn't like. Darcey Coates has an amazing way with specifically haunted house themed horror. She transforms the standard tropes really, really well. And she's not afraid! To let there actually be ghosts!! It's very cool. The Haunting of Rookward House was the first one I read, and stands out still in my memory. One of the scares in particular made me drop the book. I don't know how she manages to write jump scares but,,, oof. The Carrow Haunt is another I really liked the premise of. My favorite by far was Craven Manor. I could probably write a thesis on why I like her horror books so much. To keep it brief: Darcey Coates understands that horror means something (ie the monster is also a theme) and that you have to actually like the characters to be scared for them, and I love her for that.

Her books are rated PG-13. To my knowledge they're all pretty tame.

The Fisherman by John Langan.

Rated E for Explicit, body horror, general gruesomeness.

A more mature read, and two stories in one. A lovecraftian-style horror about two men who are mourning their wives and going fishing -- and the monstrous land they fish on. I go back and forth on how much I like this book. On the worst days it's still a solid 3 out of 5. On the best days, 10/10. I found myself way more invested in the legend of the place than the characters the story was following, but I still got emotion out of the ending.

The Croning by Laird Baron

Rated E for Explicit. Body horror. Slow burn horror.

So, this one has me a bit at a disadvantage because it's been awhile. I remember liking it a lot, but I can't wholly remember the plot. I do remember it's like, lovecraftian horror -- but the monster is the main character's wife. And you, the reader, know it's his wife. But he doesn't. And watching him try to defend the wife he loves so much, while she's obviously some quietly lurking evil, is just, really interesting. They have a family together. They're genuinely happy. But it's like watching someone fall in love with a known serial killer. There's just something... Wrong here.

Good vibes! More of a slower read.

The Haunting of Hill House and We Have Always Lived in a Castle, by Shirley Jackson

Rated PG-13, slow burn horror

The horror of being alone. Shirley Jackson writes it well. They're older books, and slower and more subtle than a lot of modern horror, but there is something scary about how relatable the characters are. How twisted up it makes you, empathizing with them, watching them descend to their doom. Hill House still makes me cry sometimes, thinking about Eleanor. These books are a bit situational, I feel like. If you know what it's like to be alone, know how existentially scary it is to feel unimportant to the people around you, these books will sink hooks in. If you don't find that concept scary, mostly these books will make you think these people should get out more.

Cold Storage by David Koepp

Rated PG-13 to R, language, fungi based body horror, viscera, violence

I recommended this on my other book recs list, but Cold Storage is just. Fun. It's scary too! When the "monster" gets going it Gets Going. But the main characters are awesome. It reads a bit more like an action book than straight horror, and I so desperately wanted the good guys to win. I was scared for them the whole final act of the book.

Anyway -- mutant mold spores compel people to climb up to high places and explode, spreading their spores around more. Thank God the only outbreak of that got carpet bombed to hell, and the one sample remaining was safely contained in a government facility where it could only be used to research a cure, right? :) Right? :(

Uprooted by Naomi Novik

Rated PG-13, violence, language, adult themes

So this leans a lot harder on conventional fantasy, but there are so many horror themes in this book I'm adding it to the list. A girl is taken from her village every [number I can't remember] years and given to the local dragon [wizard] to keep the villages safe from The Wood. But the Wood is old, cunning, and vindictive, and what once only infected the land has now begun to seed itself within the heart of men.

This book made me feel truly hopeless at times. The characters really are fighting a ruthless enemy, one that should kill them over and over, and yet somehow, they scrape by. The horror of The Wood cannot be understated, and even it's explanation doesn't take away it's strength, in my opinion. It has a happy ending, but man, it's a fight getting there.

Between Two Fires by Christopher Buehlman

Rated R for everything. Body horror, blood and gore, sexual assault, rape, language, everything

Another one that I waffle back and forth on whether I like it or not. I feel like if I met Buehlman in real life, I would fist fight him over this book. There are some choices I definitely don't like [I thought the last 3 chapters could've been cut]. But. It's fucking scary.

Lucifer has released all the horrors of hell on the medieval world. Plagues. Demons. Tortures. Pillages. Everything. And God... Doesn't answer.

The rest of the book follows a disgraced knight, a gay priest, and a little girl as they trek across medieval Europe, trying to do something about it. The demons are scary and terrible. The people are even more so. If you want a truly bleak and terror filled read, this is a good one. But it's also really, really intense. I had to put it down a few times. This is a scary read. Not a fun read. And mind the tags.

Ten by Gretchen McNeil

Rated PG-13 for blood and violence

Ten teenagers go to an island to have a party. One of them is a murderer. A night of terror ensues.

This is YA horror, so a little more mild than some of the others on this list! But! I loved it! Had some awesome planting, and it really felt like, if I'd just paid a little more attention, I could've figured out who the killer was. There is some masterful weaving of tropes in this book too. The smokescreen of stereotypical characters. I can't talk about it too much or I'll get excited and spoil it. Just. McNeil was smart about this one I think.

The Girl from the Well by Ten Chupeco

Rated PG-13 for blood, violence, and attempted violence against minors by adults

The movie The Ring but from the ghost's perspective -- oh and also there's another even scarier ghost stirring shit up in the background. Another one I can't talk too much about without getting excited and spoiling things. I remember being a bit confused about who the main character was in the beginning. Be ye warned, one of the main characters is, in fact, a vengeful spirit, and she does murder people she doesn't like in terrible ways. It's her toxic trait.

This list is getting super long and I'm getting tired so! I'm going to end it here!

[1-800-local-slut]

Dean and Sam x Black Goth Reader

I was rewatching Interview with a Vampire. This was born then I passed out and finished writing it this morning. I hope you enjoy!

_____________________________________________________________

Dean and Sam with a gothic reader who lives in the bunker, isn’t a hunter and does research. She's into dark literature, loves the night, cats, poison, flowers and all that stuff. She's also super smart. She loves death, and dead people and works at a super old and cool bookstore.

Warnings: implied smut, stabbings, nothing else really

Dean

Dean would have mixed feelings on this but ultimately love this

Thought you were a witch for a solid few seconds

Can you blame him? The cross necklace, solid black dress that hugged your curves and stopped at your thighs, the matching corset tied around your waist, the spider web stockings that he admired through the slit on your dress, the butterfly sleeves around your arms, the pentacle on your black chunky heels. Totally witchy.

Not to mention how beautiful you were, he didn’t think the looks were natural

He was enamored by your faux locs

You guys met when he was on a case thankfully in Kansas, and had to go to the bookstore you work

Thought you were sexy in a dark way

Was trying to figure out if you were punk or emo for a few seconds 

You had to go ask him if you could help him with something

You noticed him staring and tried to get your coworker to take him and she magically had to call her babysitter so you had to go talk to him

“Welcome to the Afterlife Athenaeum, how can I help you today?”

His ears melted when he heard your voice

You remind him of Morticia Addams

Had a childhood crush on Morticia Addams

He reminded you of a gas station attendant

He’d ask for something completely unrelated so he can he can keep hearing you talk

Listened to you talk to him about Gothic Architecture for five minutes, not having a clue what you were going on about

Got a book about funeral rites.

You told him that was a personal favorite and also threw in a book on embalming

Went back to the bunker with the books he needed and from there kept going back to the shop

Asks stupid questions to hear you talk

You two begun an unlikely friendship

He would make loud noises and disturb you unintentionally, you would glare at him with a reminder to stay quiet in the shop

Would follow you around watering the plants in the store while you closed

Swapping earbuds, and Dean being jumpscared by Shout At The Devil

He was honestly shocked, you just seem so serene and calm and reserved all the time and he was ready to hear a loud violin

When you found out he was a hunter, he was worried you’d run and call the police after seeing him stab a ‘man’ in the neck but then you saw it literally fizzle and pop

And he was right, you ran.

 Straight into his arms

You convinced him to let you take him to get dinner and tell you all about it

You listened with wide eyes about everything, understood why he would often ask for books on symbolism of different things, mythological creatures, but when you asked if he’s been a hunter basically all his life how come he didn’t have any books of his own.

Did not have an answer for that

He developed a crush on you after you didn’t run away 

Scared to make moves

But not too scared, cuz it’s Dean

Makes corny jokes 

“Are you a grave? Cuz I wanna be buried in you.”

“Dean, stop.” but you’re trying not to laugh because it’s dumb

“Are you a witch? Cuz I’m under your spell.”

“Dean.” your lips are pursed to restrain yourself

“How about for our first date we go to the cemetery and have a grave time? I’m just dying to meet you there.”

You laughed and Dean proudly smiled, wandered out the door of the cafe you guys usually meet with for some reason and didn’t come back

Eventually, you developed a crush on him as well

Confesses to you on a moonlit walk 

From there you two start dating

You guys went as Johnny and Mavis for Halloween one year

He likes when you kiss him and it leaves a black stain

Likes to help you pick out clothes and always jokes about burying you in them

Compares you to the goth kids from South Park

Watching Scooby Doo together

Convinced you to be Velma for Halloween, and when he saw you in the costume his brain rewired seeing you in it

You didn't even get to take the costume off yourself, he did it for you

Doesn’t really like reading with you but he likes watching you read and get super focused on whatever piece of literature it is

Loves watching horror movies with you

Matching jewelry 

He wears a different version of your cross necklace

Late night drives (doesn’t like you going outside at night but he can’t stop you)

Gets along with your cat but they fight for your attention like crazy

Likes to water the plants around your apartment 

Doesn’t want to ask you for help on a hunt, would like to keep you far away from it but your persistence wears him down

He wants you to leave lipstick stains on his abs and dick (and you do)

Loves picking out your lipstick 

Let’s you put eyeliner on him

Got you little bat clips to put in your afro and likes to see you use them

Loves when you put hair products into different containers and label them and likes to help (it’s just fun) 

He likes to run around in your boots sometimes even though his feet don’t fully fit

Got jumpscared when he saw you in the bunker one morning and called you a Victorian ghost child

When you asked to start a garden he didn’t see the point but you eventually got what you wanted

You torture him in the best way 

Gets you black roses instead of red ones

He loves your dresses and fishnets, he honestly falls apart over them

Loves seeing you get along with Sam, calls you both nerds

Cooks for the two of you

One night you told him you thought a pet bat would be cool and he went stiff and made you swear up and down to never mention it again

Likes seeing your stuff around his room, and doing laundry and finding your black bras and clothes

Loves how understanding you are about his job and the supernatural 

Your really helpful sometimes

Like he’ll tell you about something completely random and you’ll give him a full story explaining the origins of it in a morgue in Peru or something

Makes fun of you and says you shop at Hot Topic

He likes to put things up high for you so you have to either climb something and he can see your ass move or you have to ask him for help

All in all Dean would love his goth gf and all her oddities

Sam

Sam wouldn’t really care

He too thought you were a witch when he first saw you

He was on an early morning run, and ran into a coffee shop to get a water

Saw you sitting there, dressed in all black in a corset dress with a choker around your neck and a tiny pentagram hanging from it and rose fishnet stockings

He loved your jewelry immediately, the silver accessories and rings that adorned your tiny fingers

He also loved your dark lipstick

You had your ear plugs plugged in, reading a book in Latin with your curly hair shining in the lights of the Sun through the window and a woman knowing Latin made his dick hard

Minding your own black business really

Sam went on about his day, went back to the bunker, showered up and talked to Dean about a case in New Mexico

Had to find some more information, reading the news articles, he saw there were flowers left at the scene of the crime

But he couldn’t find this one flower in any of his books so he went to a bookstore he had seen before in town, called Afterlife Athenaeum. He went at night due to a day full of scouring the internet and books to come up empty

And guess who he spotted? You

Now he didn’t pay much attention to you at first, in fact he didn’t recognize you at first because now you were in a different yet alluring outfit

You were just stocking books, but you were too short too reach up and get something on the top shelf and your cunt of a manager put the stool somewhere you couldn’t find

You were jumping and Sam thought you looked like a jumping spider and your boots made a loud noise through the empty bookstore when your shoes hit the ground

Looking around you saw a big ass white man and decided to try your luck

“Excuse me? I’m sorry to bother you but could you grab that book for me?” 

Tall, sexy, and helpful, you were ready to jump into his arms and escape with him.    

He gave you a charming smile and handed you the book which just so happened to be a book on the language of flowers. He looked it over with a pleased hum. “Oh I actually need this.” He stole a glance at your name tag and you smiled in delight. Despite dressing like you just left a funeral you were seemingly cheerful. “Perfect! It’s our last one too, I’ll ring you up. Is there anything else you need?” You asked, taking the book from his large hands. “No thank you.” 

When you rang him up his eyes stuck to your silver cross necklace that he had a hunch was just for fashion

You noticed him staring, and you decide to make moves

(I have a feeling Sam enjoys being seduced, follow me on this)

“New in town?” he automatically falls in love with your voice. You ask while looking down at the book, and checking the catalog for the title and the price. “No, just giving this place a try.” Sam kept stealing glances at you. You were just doing your regular work and he was entranced. “Well I hope to see  you again, we don’t get a lot of handsome customers” you said slyly, while handing him the bag with two fancy capital A’s on it.

And there’s a look between you too, and he left knowing he’d be coming back definitely

Came back two weeks later and looked for you. He asked a question on poisons and watched your eyes literally light up. He then listens to your info dump on plants and buys three of your recommendations

Eventually you two become friends, sharing music, CD’s, story recommendations and more

You find out he’s a hunter when you’re visiting a relatives grave one night and you watch him kill a shapeshifter 

Your jaw dropped, immediately began to quietly pack up and escape before you caught a stray. He saw you out of the corner of his eye and grabbed you while you ran, and the way he grabbed you made you get a lil excited. He explains everything to you, given it was that or you call the police . After he explained that he wasn’t a murderer, and explained the supernatural was real you exploded and listened to literally everything with such investment

Just adorable

After that, you two got a bit closer (nothing too crazy). He kept you a bit of a secret for a while

Needed help decoding a message left at a crime scene and went to your apartment. You made him some tea, he looked around your cozy apartment and learned you had a cat who immediately loved him

You sat down on the recliner, he took the couch right in front of your coffee table and you sat down on the arm of the couch to show him something. His eyes glued onto your thighs in your silk black shorts and matching top. He was imagining taking your matching robe off the moment he came inside

You noticed because you were staring at his dick through his pants since he came inside and he was hard like immediately and you decide to take your shot

“Sam?” You began while shutting your book and placing your elbow on the back of the couch. Your eyes were basically burning through him. “Yeah?” He was trying to focus on his laptop but couldn’t. “If you were a flower, you’d be an orchid.” You were now fidgeting with one of your black nails. He immediately got the hint, it was in the book you showed him “Really?” He flirted back with his eyes. “Oh yes, the orchid is a very alluring plant.” You continued and then moved your brown eyes to his.

The rest was history from there

After that night he was deeper under your spell

Likes to watch Phantom of the Opera with you

Dirty talks in Latin

You guys talk shit about people in Latin

“Asinus officium spectat terribilis.” (Her ass job looks terrible)

“Quod est medium infantem.” (That's mean baby)

He likes to fidget with your nails

He hates Halloween but you love it much to his dismay

Agreed to go as Morticia and Gomez one year and almost lost his mind seeing you in the dress

You didn’t make it out the house

He likes seeing you not dressed as fancy but casually in one of his big ass t-shirts and just walking around

First night you stayed at the bunker he was amazed by how your energy just changed the entire room 

Likes hearing you speak different languages

He tells you all the time you remind him of the moon

Loves loves loves seeing you dressed casually to the point where it’s an obsession

But he loves your fancy clothes as much as your casual t-shirts and tank tops you wear on laundry days

He likes when your in the library of the bunker trying to get a book down and you can’t reach it

He loves your plants

He enjoys seeing the different dark shades of purples, blacks and more

But he likes how you love all of the plants even the ones that are a bright red or yellow

He loves your perfumes

Accompanies you everywhere at night, and loves the way the moonlight reflects off your brown  skin

He loves when you put lip gloss on over your lipstick and kiss him

He buys your bonnets and anything else in a color he sees you commonly wear

A black mirror, a black head scarf, a black bandanna, silver charms for your braids when you get your hair done, black lip liner

Told you about Jess, and you listened with such kindness and respect his heart swelled

You told him about your beliefs that the dead should be treated with respect 

still listens to your info dumps (I’m telling you he will never get sick of your info dumps, you could be explaining the history of toast to him and he’d still be happy)

He likes that when you bruise, it’s a purplish red color so when he bites you or holds your hips too tight he takes deep satisfaction in knowing the next day there’ll be purple and dark hand marks around your hips.

Doesn’t want you hunting but knows you’re incredibly curious

Came to a conclusion that if he kept you in the loop about what he was hunting it would work out best for him, plus you’d be a great help

He’s partially convinced you know everything relating to death, human sacrifices, embalming methods, which works great for him 

He spends a lot of time with Dean looking at dead people and symbols he barely understands and if he can just send you a picture and in two minutes you can tell him exactly what it is the sooner he can kill it and go home

Dean calls you guys Dr. Frankenstien and his bride (Frankenstein was the DOCTOR not the monster I refuse to have incorrect terminology here)

You and Dean have an unlikely friendship, and you ended up learning Dean is a big fan of gothic romance

You guys watch horror movies together, and argue over which Purge movie was better (the answer is Election Year)

Sam just thinks you're cool, overall doesn’t really think too much about your fashion or interest. He just likes you and the fact that your sexy and smart is a huge bonus

Let me know what you guys think! I loved writing this and I loved rewatching interview with a vampire. Gothic stuff will always have a special place in my little black heart, and I like putting little nods to it in a lot of my writing. Anyways, that's all! Please enjoy <333

[pitviperofdoom]

So I decided a little while ago to do a full series reread of Redwall. I’m still early in it, I just finished Redwall and started Mossflower, and you know what? Might as well express my thoughts as I go. Blacklist “redwall reread” if you don’t want to see this, there WILL be spoilers.

So! Thoughts, on reflection, about Redwall:

Something I forgot along the way is just how competent Matthias is right from the start. Granted he lives in a society that hasn��t seen war in several generations so it’s not like he has a lot of competition, but he still goes from Bumbling Novice Who Doesn’t Quite Fit In to a martial and tactical powerhouse alongside Constance, the one who closed negotiations by picking up an entire banquet table and throwing it.

And not only that, people listen to him! As soon as negotiations break down, Matthias jumps in with a plan and all his elders listen. I watched the animated series growing up, which was... not super great, quality wise, but enjoyable enough for a kid. And one of the changes the show made was playing up Matthias’s childishness and inexperience. In the adaptation, when everyone’s panicking about the legendary warlord marching on the abbey, Matthias jumps in with this rallying speech about how they’ll fight back, and the abbot scolds him for it. “No more talk of fighting,” when Cluny the Scourge is almost at their doorstep. In the original book?

“Do? I’ll tell you what we’ll do. We’ll be ready.” The Abbot could not help shaking his head in admiration. It seemed that young Matthias had hidden depths. “Why, thank you, Matthias,” he said. “I could not have put it better myself. That’s exactly what we will do. We’ll be ready!”

(Years later, a certain wizard in a certain film adaptation would ask a question calmly.)

This book has a beaver in it. And a horse. And the mention of a dog. And Portugal.

Speaking of which, one of the many things that I think sets this book apart from the rest is that it feels like Jacques is making an attempt to write a book that takes place in a smaller Mouse World that exists within a larger world. The abbey is mouse-sized, of course, but an entire army of rats rides in on a single horse-drawn hay cart. Matthias climbs hay bales in a barn and falls into a cat’s mouth. Again, Portugal exists.

Idk what my point is, it just goes to show that BJ really was gradually building this world as he wrote it. I didn’t obsess so much over canon continuity, I just came up with my own explanations for things.

Ah, phonetic accents. I have mixed feelings about phonetic accents these days. I know logically that it’s better to avoid them, but like. I read the moles’ dialogue and try to imagine what it would look like without every word misspelled to exaggerate the dialect, and I just. Couldn’t visualize it. Moles just aren’t moles if you aren’t rereading their lines two or three times to parse what they’re saying. (Excepting Egburt the Scholar, of course, but I won’t see him for several books.)

I think my lifelong obsession with ferrets can be traced back to Killconey. I just. I know he’s a villain but I just love this guy so much. He’s adorable, he’s got a solid head on his shoulders, and he never tries to screw over his comrades, murder his comrades, bully his comrades, or flat-out lie to Cluny to get ahead, like SOME people, Cheesethief. RIP Killconey you were a good henchman and Cluny shouldn’t have thrown you at Matthias to get chopped in half.

Sela named her son Chickenhound no wonder he didn’t mourn her. Of course, his idea of a better name was “Mousedeath” so it’s not like he had room to judge.

Portugal????

[steveharrington]

hi! do you have any recent horror book recommendations you've enjoyed?

hiii!! i do! okay im gonna cheat a little right off the bat and give you one i read like over a year ago idk if that still counts as recent BUT:

devolution by max brooks is my favorite book i’ve read in the last year or so. it’s about a small wealthy community in remote mt. rainier that’s touted to be the most technologically advanced and automated community and a Vision of the Future buttttttt things don’t go according to plan and also there are bigfoots ❤️ i found the humor so smart and cutting esp in the age of ai bullshit and having elon musk shoved in our faces, plus the characters were all very unique and really unlike other protagonists i’ve read in horror. just a really solid book AND it made me even more scared of monkeys

i also just read bunny by mona awad and it was a crazy and wild ride let me just say that. again very distinct and unlike anything i’ve ever really read before in terms of the plot…i fear even going into the plot too much because i truly think it’s hard to discuss what happens in this book without giving away elements that are more fun to discover as you’re reading. definitely some body horror elements in this so if that’s not your thing i would maybe steer clear (also mentioned animal death which i did find upsetting but it’s not in graphic detail). that post i rb’d recently about the joy of reading books you don’t completely understand really applied to bunny for me because there are parts where the narrative becomes so…unreal and jumbled that it’s hard to always know what’s happening, but i did have fun with that!

ALSO an extremely recent read that i just finished last night is my best friend’s exorcism by grady hendrix, and at first i was very unsure if i’d like it but i ended up finishing it in two nights so. it held my attention for sure. it’s set in the 80s and there’s a bit tooooo many constant references for my taste (and i say this as a stranger things enjoyer…i wish i could write an essay about how imo stranger things does 80s nostalgia better than so many that try to emulate their version of it) and it’s about bestie abby and bestie gretchen who unfortunately experience the horrors of demon possession. i really enjoy narratives where all the adults are useless idiots and only the kids/teenagers are in tune to The Truth, which this book sells really well. i was also admittedly very charmed by a lot of the humor (the exorcist maybe my new fav character ever) and how it didn’t take Satanism too seriously and kinda hammed it up

[answrs]

( an attempt at fluff(?) - i hope things get better or at least easier for you soon. virtual hugs, remember that you've got a lot of people in your corner <3 )

Ingo writes a book when he's in Hisui.

Okay, wait. It's not really a book, and he didn't really write it, he would object. It's more of a very very long pamphlet, and he got a lot of help from Zisu and the Survey Corps. It was written for them, after all: it's a primer on how to befriend, train, and raise Pokémon, for the Security Corps and the rest of the Galaxy Team and really anyone else who wants to learn, because he doesn't have time to teach everyone directly but he so badly wants as many people as possible to have the chance to learn.

So it takes a while to put together—not just all of the information, but presenting it well, with graphs and diagrams so that even people who can't read, or can't read the language it's presented in (which is a fair amount of Jubilife tbh) can still get something out of it. Rei and Akari help him make some copies, even, so more than one person can look at them at once.

And then, when he's just about finished—so before he has the chance to see how it's received—he goes home.

To Unova. And he's happy! His memory is still pretty fuzzy, but he knows for certain that this is where he wants to—where he should be, even. It just feels right. But that doesn't mean it isn't also bittersweet, leaving his home of so many years in Hisui behind.

But when he gets back home—to the one he couldn't remember but missed anyway—he finds a book waiting for him on a table.

It's pretty worn-out, like the owner has read through it quite a few times, and he sort of recognizes it, however vaguely. It's a book about Pokémon training and strategy, so old it's nearly out-of-date by this point (if the topic weren't so universally consistent, anyway) but it's still interesting to read, and the foundation is solid, so it's one of the first books he—they picked up. When they were just starting out as Trainers.

And the foreword, written by a modern-day scholar, confirms what he remembers: this is a very old book, that's survived in modern times mostly by virtue of the fact that it was so widely read and copied and (later) translated and added to. There are definitely better references today even for beginners, and most of its value is historical, records of old training methods and "move styles" and an insight into how people of the past viewed Pokémon and... wait a minute.

This is his book. As in, it's the one he wrote.

It doesn't take long, flipping through it, to confirm. Oh sure, some details have been lost in translation or edited out, and there's newer commentary in a few places, but the structure is so familiar that there's no other explanation. He really hadn't expected it to be anything other than a reference for a few people in Jubilife, maybe something a Ginkgo Guild member took with them once if he was lucky—but now, so, so many years later, it's been passed on and reprinted and rewritten and translated into so many languages—because he was right. People and Pokémon were meant to work together, and that one wish of his resonated with enough people that now it's almost impossible to imagine the world working any other way. And this little book (not even really a book, at first) made it all the way around the world and back to him, without him even realizing.

But it's weird—the note at the front also mentions an afterword, and he doesn't remember writing one of those. And it does say that it does seem to be from a different source than the author of the rest of the book (clearly passionate, but elusive in the text itself, a fact which is apparently deeply frustrating to historians, whoops-) but also doesn't talk about it as if it's a later addition from another copier, either. It might have been written by many different people, it says, and there's even been some conflict over whether it should be included in reprints at all, but most people have apparently come to the conclusion that it should be treated as another part of the original book and kept in.

So he flips to the back, to see... and realizes almost immediately what it is.

Just in case you need telling again, because I’m sure you will—you take care of yourself out there. Then we can all rest easy. Our ‘dex is missing a valuable contributor—and ourselves, a good friend—but I’m certain that your destination, as it were, has been dearly missing you for long enough already! And so long as this testament to our shared work lives on, we are never truly gone from each other. I told you I’d keep an eye out for you, whenever I leave, and I’m still doing that. But just in case we don’t wind up with the same home after all, and this does get to you, I wanted to say thanks again. For guiding me, and listening, and helping even when you didn’t need to. It helped a lot. We figured out how to do that thunder barrier thing you were talking about the day after you left, and I’m really mad that you didn’t see it. So you’d better at least be reading this! Oh yeah, and thanks for all the advice. But mostly, I’m really glad that stupid barrier trick didn’t end up in this copy, because if I can’t show you I should at least get to brag to everyone else, and I can’t do that if everyone knows about it. The highlands are doing just fine. Just in case you thought we needed you! My own capable hands are more than enough!

They're... goodbyes. Not just from the other people who worked on the book, but from... everyone. Who, like him, had no way of knowing where this book would go once it left Jubilife—but took the chance anyway, sending these notes on their way to be read and reread a thousand times by a thousand hands... to find him again. As a physical goodbye—not as ephemeral as words or memories, but something able to persist.

But then, if they'd gotten even his fellow highlands warden to leave his own note, what was this last one that was so much longer than the rest...?

Any meeting in this vast world is something to be grateful for, but I am more grateful for one than most. The fullness of our space and time has more potential than I ever dreamed, and I do not know if my eyes would have opened were you not there for those first steps. Dear warden, friend, and guide, on behalf of all of us—I hope you were able to call us your home, at least for a while. And the almighty knows we have asked more than our fair share already, but if we may make one last selfish request of you—

…ah.

—please, for all of us, be happy.

AASDFHJKLCMIASCNNGHHHH SWIFT ;O; IM BLUBBERING IT'S SO GOOD AND SWEET AND GAAH MY HEART. LEAVING THE MESSAGES DESPITE NOT KNOWING WHO IT'S FOR, EVEN WHEN IT WAS FOR, BUT THEIR WORDS SURVIVING THROUGH THE AGES PASSED DOWN FROM TRAINER TO TRAINER AND SPREAD ACROSS THE WORLD IN SO MANY LANGUAGES. AND IT'S NOT A MESSAGE OF MOURNING BUT A MESSAGE OF H O P E, AND I JUST.

MY HEART

[borom1r]

2, 3, 7, 8, 9, 12, 14, 18, 20, 22 for lotr from the violence ask meme 😈

OK i have answered 2 already but lets do this thing fuck yea (thank uuuuuuuuuu!!!!!)

3) screenshot or description of the worst take you’ve seen on tumblr

look its not really a "take" but the amount of people who just post variations of "I don't like Boromir, he's the worst" IN THE BOROMIR TAG is genuinely insane to me. like have ur (incorrect) opinion but keep it out of the tag worstie

7) what character did you begin to hate not because of canon but because how how the fandom acts about them?

uhhhh no one thank the gods. ive always disliked Denethor Because of canon. but i will say stumbling across the file index of an old LotR fansite + clicking on files w/ no preview only to find graphics thirsting over Denethor did cause massive psychic damage lmao

8) common fandom opinion that everyone is wrong about

idk 😭 i dont interact w/ the broader fandom really. i do find the way ppl reduce Pippin to Just a joke character in fanon insufferable tho

9) worst part of canon

BOOK!FARAMIR + HIS MIDDLEMEN SHTICK MY WORSTIE.

also ngl i do find the Aragorn/Arwen romance....... Weird. like I'm far from averse to "love at first sight" so long as it comes with the recognition that it's really more infatuation + true love takes work. and there's the fact Aragorn fell head over heels for an image of Lúthien, and Arwen's heart did not turn towards him until Galadriel dressed him up in elven finery. not to mention she was "not yet weary of her days" when Aragorn dies + has to die "whether I will or I nill" like she. wastes away? slowly alone in Lothlórien.

like idk [Aragorn kinnie voice] that's my sister, man but all that aside I do think.. Arwen deserved better? I like that the movies made her more active + I do wish she'd actually been there at Helm's Deep bc it would've been fun to see her and Éowyn bond but yeah. the vibes were off with that whole situation imho

12) the unpopular character that you actually like and why more people should like them

huh. does Théodred count? i feel like he's kind of a blank slate so fandom can just kinda run wild with him but i do genuinely enjoy writing him + find that there are solid implications for at least a friendship between him + Boromir (if not more). i mean, Boromir got a Rohirric shield from someone

14) that one thing you see in fics all the time

ok th implication here bein its sth that bothers me which thankfully i pretty much only read Aramir or Faramir/Éomer fics soooo theres not much??

i think the only things that RLLY get to me + they aren't THAT popular trope-wise (or ive been rlly good at avoiding them lmao) are fics that 1) make Boromir overly aggressive or 2) completely woobify Faramir

+ tbh the Faramir one bothers me more actually. that is a grown ass man and captain of the rangers of Ithilien.....................

18) it’s absolutely criminal that the fandom has been sleeping on…

HRM. again idk :3 <- blissfully not interacting w the broader fandom + only interacting w/ ppl w correct takes on Boromir + Rohan

(tentatively i need to start following more ppl i see some of yall in my notes + i shld follow. sorry im like a nervous dog u need to coax out from under the porch lol)

20) part of canon you found tedious or boring

side-eyeing my copies of the Histories. i need to finish those. eventually.............

22) your favorite part of canon that everyone else ignores

ignores?????? nothing i think (thankfully lmao) but i will say there is SO much detail in the films that it makes me INSANE. ik we literally just talked abt this in DMs lmao but i could sit n talk abt LotR costuming for fucking HOURS the films were SO stunning and the clothing alone reveals sooooooo much abt the characters i think its a super underrated vehicle for character analysis :3

[wooahaes]

ok so a lil overview of what ive been reading recently (as in over the past few months)!!! all the positive stuff lmao i'm not gonna include the stuff i dnf'd or the stuff i rated one star on goodreads because of my issues with it.

i've mentioned before that i've been reading a loooot of keigo higashino novels lately (again, thank u wonwoo haha still haven't read miracles of the namiya general store but its on my tbr + i own it so no rush). only so many of his novels have been translated to english so:

i've read malice, newcomer, and a death in tokyo from the detective kaga series. i think out of the three, i adore malice and newcomer over the third. all three are good reads though! they're crime dramas following detective kaga, who was a teacher until he switched paths. he feels like a very laid-back character tbh and i adore the down-to-earth outlook he has when solving his cases.

i've also read the devotion of suspect x from the detective galileo series and i hope to read more next month (since i'm gonna try to read queer books for pride month!!). i literally finished it at like. 1 in the morning and fucking loved the twist in it! it's hard to talk about without spoiling any of it though.

outside of that, i read my dark vanessa by kate elizabeth russell, which... honestly is such a heavy read but it's such a good one. i loved it from start to finish, i love russell's prose and how well she writes a very despicable character. it's really easy to understand how vanessa ends up in the situation she did, and i truly adore the ending and the sentiment found within it.

i am also a gillian flynn girlie through and through. gone girl was what sparked my love of reading back into existence last year, and its genuinely a thrilling read where its kind of easy to see yourself in amy's character, as much as you don't want to see yourself in her character. sharp objects was also incredibly solid and i enjoyed the twist within it. while i didn't like dark places as much (kind of hated the ending but i enjoyed the build up a lot), i do flynn's writing style and ability to write the absolute worst fucking people still a fun experience.

on a lighter side!!! spoiler alert by olivia dade was a novel i enjoyed a lot! it's not perfect and i wish the plus size rep was a little bit better, but i still saw a lot of myself in april while i read + i adore the fact that she's seen as hot from the beginning by marcus.

unfortunately i don't have a ton of lighter options because one of them is what i'm currently reading (imogen, obviously by becky albertalli) and the rest are books i literally just checked out today.

[talesofthedm]

Shopping Trip (Pt. 1)

I want to write that one ballroom scene we never got because it's on my mind and that starts with a shopping trip, because we need fancy outfits before pissing off Gortash at his own event.

Not finished (hence part 1)

Contains spoilers for Act 3, and some references to Act 1 and 2

No i have not proofread this (or edited it)

Summary: Figaro the facemaker has had a very eventful past five minutes and he does not handle it well.

Word count: 1.6k (its short)

CW: Blood. Much blood. No combat, but it's the aftermath of one. Mentions of murder, cults, Astarion being a flirt for like 1 line.

Excerpt:

“No, that— just let me.” Astarion slung off his pack. “Gale, hold this.” The elf began rummaging through it, shoving bits and bobs in the wizard’s direction before he could even respond. Random blades, a balled-up piece of cloth that was more rag than shirt at this point, a sack of something inexplicably squishy, a severed head— “I think we forgot to deliver Nere.” There was a certain disinterest in Shadowheart’s voice that left Figaro somehow more concerned. “We can just mail him.” He tossed the severed head towards Karlach, taking pity on the poor wizard before the mountain of books and bits and useless knickknacks toppled over onto the floor. “That courier service owes us for getting rid of his cat problem.”

Freya dragged herself up from the floor, a deep gash along her side that certainly cut through deep muscles if not straight to the bone. The fire of her hair was nothing more than a ruddy brown with how much blood was caked through it. She pulled a large purse from her pack and slammed it onto the polished counter, leaving bloody handprints and a dripping trail. “How much for a rush job?”

Under normal circumstances, Figaro would scream at her and her friends for ruining his nice countertops, toss them out onto the street, and threaten to call the guards if they ever stepped foot in his shop again.

The twisted bodies lying on his polished hardwood floors reminded him that these were not, in fact, normal circumstances. He was trying not to stare at them, their bat-like faces and needle-like fangs lying beside the now charred corpse of a dwarf. If he hadn’t sipped the wine himself, if he hadn’t been forced to watch helplessly as the red dwarf unfurled his supply of saws and scalpels, if he hadn’t watched as the elf in front threw her body between Figaro and his would-be murderer with his own eyes, he would have never recognized the body as anything but an over-the-top decoration meant to scare children.

His extremities were still cold, buzzing in that sort of way it did when he would lean on his hand for too long while drawing new designs. No matter how he shook or massaged them, it would take years to get feeling back in the tips of his fingers.

But the elf woman in front of him only confirmed what he initially thought about her when she have blindly dived between him and the scalpel with her one question: this woman was mad. Completely, utterly, mad. Bleeding out on his floor, surrounded by a pile of bodies. He wasn’t sure what blood was hers or its or his or the dwarf’s or her companion’s.

To be honest, he wasn’t even sure if he still had a shopfront. What wasn’t burned to cinders was frozen solid, what wasn’t frozen solid was water and blood-logged, what wasn’t water and blood-logged was charred beyond repair. They were all mad, slinging spells left right and center as if this was some kind of fighting pit and not his entire livelihood.

What was strangest to him, though, was the woman kneeling in prayer. It was natural, he supposed, to try to find solace after such a harrowing event. But she wore armor the same as the rest of them, she brandished weapons more fearsome than that of the giant red tiefling beside her. She had flung around one of the changelings between her and her green companion with no more effort than one would play ping-pong! What could she be praying for?!

And then came the wash of light that emanated from her, cool and soothing both in color and feel. There was nothing on him to physically heal, but he watched as Freya stood straighter, her side stitching itself together as if nothing was ever wrong in the first place.

Astarion wiped his blades on the sides of hid armor, the bright red of the cloth doing absolutely nothing to hide it. He stepped over to Freya, taking her chin in his hand and pulling her to him before licking the layers of blood from her cheek. “You need a bath,” he responded to the non-question. She wasn’t even phased, accepting it with no more attention that an owner would give a pet.

They were all mad.

Freya reached up and removed a glove so she could tap the counter with the edge of her nail, directing the tailor back to the coin pouch. “Tonight. Archduke’s celebratory-coronation-whatever-it-is ball. How much?” He must have been paralyzed again. Yes, that was it. Someone had shoved a bottle of paralytic in his mouth and he couldn’t remember it. Why else would he be standing there, mouth gaping as pathetically as a caught fish. She reached up and closed it for him.

“I think we broke him,” Wyll whispered.

The simple statement was enough to snap him out of it, however. “There’s seven of you!” They all looked around, as if counting to confirm the statement, before nodding as if he was the fool. “You’re all insane!”

Freya’s response was to place another equally fat pouch beside the first. Figaro stared, dumbstruck. “I—I’ll see what I have on hand that can be fitted… Do you all know your measurements?” They all just stared blankly. Even Wyll, who had had almost monthly trips to this very shop as a youth, no longer knew the answer. Between his years banished and how unfamiliar his new body was, it was a mystery to him.

“Seriously?” Astarion threw his head back, groaning. “How do you all not know something so basic?!”

“I am one and a half blade’s long.”

“That’s not a measurement!”

“It is among the Gith. I can also provide it in arrows, if that is any easier.”

“No, that— just let me.” Astarion slung off his pack. “Gale, hold this.” The elf began rummaging through it, shoving bits and bobs in the wizard’s direction before he could even respond. Random blades, a balled-up piece of cloth that was more rag than shirt at this point, a sack of something inexplicably squishy, a severed head—

“I think we forgot to deliver Nere.” There was a certain disinterest in Shadowheart’s voice that left Figaro somehow more concerned.

“We can just mail him.” He tossed the severed head towards Karlach, taking pity on the poor wizard before the mountain of books and bits and useless knickknacks toppled over onto the floor. “That courier service owes us for getting rid of his cat problem.”

“Tressym. And her name is Tara!”

“She is cute, has a general air about her that says ‘I’m better than you’, and eats pigeons. That’s a cat.”

“So, you’re a cat?” Freya poked.

“Flattery will get you everywhere, dear, but we have more pressing matters at hand— hold this.” Astarion pulled a rather strange dagger from his pack, the blade like blown sea glass and the unmistakable iconography of Baahl expertly crafted into the ferrule. He placed it directly into Gale’s open hand.

“Is that the dagger? I told you I wasn’t touching the damn murder weapon!”

“I would never make sure your fingerprints are all over a weapon used to kill one of the most beloved priests in the city.” Next came out of the bag were the torn-up letters, the strands of delicate strands of beads, and the shining rings. A single one of them could buy out Figaro’s entire shop—no wonder the woman had thrown down bags of coin like nothing.

Finally, the white-haired elf gave a silent cheer. “Gale, buddy, put that stuff away for me, will you?” He stacked the now empty pack atop the giant pile in Gale’s arms and reached over the counter and handed a folded-up piece of paper to Figaro. “You’re going to want to double check the breast—”

“Why in the nine hells do you have everyone’s measurements?!” Wyll yelled.

“What do you mean breast?!” Shadowheart yelled at the same time.

“I’m not sure if I should be impressed or holding you at knifepoint,” Lae’zel added.

Astarion threw up his hands in defense. “We were in the Shadowlands, you all sleep like rocks, there was nothing to hunt, and I was bored. What did you expect me to do?”

“Read a book!” Wyll called to the heavens. “Like a normal person!”

“Not touch me in my sleep?!”

“You saw my collection,” Astarion waved to the now shrinking pile of books in Gale’s hands, each one meticulously being stowed away with the ghostly blue mage hand he had summoned. “I finished those in, like, one night. And I would never do that!”

“Without permission,” Freya added.

“Without permission!” he agreed. “Plus, it makes it easier to patch everyone’s clothes if I know what it is I am supposed to be patching.”

Figaro continued to stand, watching the odd collection of people bicker over something he considered so mundane.  His sister (the golden child) was a tailor, his father (the bastard) was a tailor, and he (the rightful heir) was a tailor. He'd guess inseams and shoulder width at a glance when he was bored, and he assumed the elf in front of him could do the same.

“So, what, you were just randomly guessing at the size of my thighs while we were killing Myrkul?”

Figaro waved in their general direction, the last of his sanity snapping at the way it was said so bluntly, before pointing at each one individually. You’re all insane! You’re insane,” Freya. “You’re insane,” Karlach. “You’re insane,” Gale. “You’re especially insane—”

“I’m a vampire.” Astarion smiled, flashing the poor tailor his blood-stained fangs in the process. Figaro crumpled under his own weight, eyes rolling back in his head as he hit the ground with a thunk.

“Now look what you did,” Shadowheart scolded. “Now we have to wait.”

“We could always try his sister.”

“You,” she jabbed a finger in his chest. “Nearly tried to kill a man in there. I doubt she’d want us anywhere near that place again.”

“He was annoying me! It is not my fault Freya kept talking to him!”

“He was funny,” Freya retorted. “Mostly because he annoyed you.” Astarion just stood, pointing at Freya like a child placing blame.

“Annoying someone is not a reason to try to stab them.”

“Then what the hell have we been doing for the past month?!”

“I agree with the elf. That man would have been killed day one of training for simply speaking.”