#not to be bonkers insane but i am going to be a danger to myself and others until you motherfuckers get me my goddamn meds

[ithinkineedamoment]

1. Neon Bible - Arcade Fire

1 of 1000 - Recordings

This project is almost 15 years in the making. Had I been wiser at the debilitating age of 12, I’m sure writing for the sake of writing would have come to me a hell of a lot more naturally than it does now.

Regardless of that, it looks like a 26 year old me is finally getting around to it.

At the tail end of 2010 - I was living in Ramstein, Germany where I found a copy of Tom Moon’s 1000 Recordings to Hear Before You Die. I (my dad) bought it for $15 and there I went becoming evermore insufferable thinking I’m the first person who ever discovered 10 by Pearl Jam. I quickly found two more versions of the “1000... before you die” list - movies and places. Armed with these three lists, I set out to conquer the “best” of the “best” and do obviously do it before I die.

Lofty goals.

But I’ll unpack that I’m sure in a later essay.

Since that time, I’ve plowed through 430 albums, 574 movies, and 142 places. But what of it? What does it matter? Is it enough to watch “Schindler’s List” in a double feature with “The Sound of Music” once and think I can fully process what I’ve experienced? Fuck no!

So in an effort to combat that insanity - I’m starting this project. I will write something on each and every entry of these lists. Will some be long? Absolutely. Will some be short? I hope so. But what is the point of consuming what is meant to be essentials of a lifetime and not give it a second thought? There is of course the argument that these lists are arbitrary and are actually heinously filtered through the lens of old, Cis, straight, white men and women. This idea will undoubtedly come up several if not a thousand times and I don’t think I can ignore it. What I’ve gained, however, from venturing down this yellow brick road of content is greater than the sum of its parts and that is what is interesting to me. How has inundating myself with this “canon” for most of my life shaped who I am and where has it led me?

So as an artist who is constantly stonewalled by the mere act of creation, I asked myself - where do I start? How does this project begin?

Randomly, obviously. I had Sergio scroll through the lists and pick whatever caught his eye.

Somehow, picking Neon Bible by Arcade Fire makes sense.

With this very first entry I begin with The Secret Life of Walter Mitty, the 2013 adventure comedy starring and directed by our pal Ben Stiller. For the uninitiated, this movie features Ben Stiller as Walter Mitty, an employee at Life magazine who is forced on a Carmen San Diego-esque adventure to find Sean Penn in the mountains taking pictures of snow leopards. And it ROCKS.

Everything from the settings to the humor to Adam Scott’s haircut screams the spirit of adventure. I remember sitting in the theater watching this movie having goose bumps down my arms as Mr. Stiller ran for that plane - reading the Life Magazine motto: “To see the world, things dangerous to come to, to see behind walls, to draw closer, to find each other, and to feel, that is the purpose of life.”

Fuck meeee, it’s good.

My depressed ass sat there smiling and crying - thinking of how much of the world was out there - all the places I’ve never been and the adventures I’ve never been on. It was enough to keep me going, even if it was only for the rest of the day.

The part that I really want to draw attention to, however, is the song that plays over the scene that I just mentioned. As the words of the motto appear hidden in the scenery, a sick fucking guitar lick kicks in. Suddenly, the absolutely bonkers Arcade Fire hit, “Wake Up” is blaring through the speakers and I am transcended. From their 2005 debut album Funeral, “Wake Up” has been included on all sorts of best songs of 2004, the decade, the century, of all time lists. With lyrics touching on the embarrassment of youth and the gift of growing up, it’s one of the most inspirational songs I’ve ever heard...

(until I listened to the soundtrack and realized that to SOME people, the song “Wake Up” was never in the movie and instead the absolutely DNA-altering Jose Gonzalez song, “Step Out” took its place. Dear Reader, please note it’s a detail I’m moving on from since these songs exist simultaneously in my head for the same reason and since I have Google I found out a licensing issue made us all watch a different version of the movie. Leave me alone).

Ever since that day - whenever I’ve embarked on a new journey, I’ve played these songs. When my plane took off from Germany back to the states, when I walked on my college campus for the first time, whenever I start a new job - they become the soundtrack to my life. “Children, Wake up” to “House on fire leave it all behind you”. It’s the music to my proverbial first steps into my new life.

So again, it’s fitting then, that the first recording, the very first essay of this project, is Neon Bible by Arcade Fire. Their sophomore album released in 2007, Neon Bible is an extrospective triumph of organs and religiosity exposing the world for what it truly is in this post-9/11 hellscape. Full of angst and persistent drums, it’s truly no wonder how this album crosses the boundaries of what is Indie and what is mainstream.

Relistening to the album this morning and thinking about this project, it almost makes too much sense to start here despite its randomness. Take for example the opening track, “Black Mirror” which in my sleep depravity I could have sworn was the intro to “Changes” by David Bowie. Here, Win Butler muses on the notion of the “black mirror”, an unrelenting echo of all the worst parts of ourselves and our world. Impossible to separate from the contemporary connotations of the words “black mirror”, we quickly realize this album is not interested in the joyous release of

Funeral. We’re confronted with screens, cameras, and content - the black mirror of a sleeping iphone or of a buffering video. What does it mean to see ourselves in that reflection? We’re beholden to it.

As we continue through the album, we’re bombarded with rising crescendos of emotions that dissipate uneasily like unlit waves at night - “Black Wave”. There is no comforting exaltation or resolution of discord. It’s isolating! Butler says so himself in “Intervention”: “We’ll go at it alone”. As the number of black mirrors around us increases, the time spent as an individual also increases. It’s interesting that so much of the imagery evoked in Neon Bible is that of the ocean - black, reflective, ever expansive. This brings to mind another song from a few years later: Los Campesinos!’s “The Sea is a Good Place to Think of the Future.” It should be obvious enough from the title as to why I think this is relevant. The rocking guitar of this jam sways back and forth like the crashing of waves as the lyrics wax poetic on what it means to be alone - “and all you can hear, is the sound of your own heart” - and how hopelessly small you can feel in front of an unchanging ocean before you - “A thousand years, no getting rid of me”.

This cynicism, this anger, I feel is what fuels this album. There is no joy in the face of the “Ocean of Noise” in front of us. There is no reconciliation at the church of the “Neon Bible.” There is nothing new I can say on our modern relationship with technology or media here that hasn’t been said already in a New York Times Op-ed. We are losing control of ourselves to an ocean of influences, media, thoughts, and content. We can scream, and we can shout, but the only escape - according to Arcade Fire - is the place where “No Cars Go”, the liminal space between turning off the lights and before we fall asleep. There, we are finally free from the world and all its power over us. This is the craven freedom that brings the album its only truly joyous song.

So I guess it’s now that I’ve realized the point of this essay - the point of this whole project. I’ve spent years of my life thumping the bible of a church that doesn’t care about me. These lists have become a religion - a system of other people’s beliefs in what should be exalted and glorified. I’ve consumed the content I was told to consume and thought what I was told to think. I don’t think that I’m alone in wanting to challenge “the canon” either. There will always be an unavoidable conflict between what is experienced and what should be experienced; I’m just no longer interested in justifying one over the other. I refuse to let the ocean carry me away. Just as Arcade Fire has ushered me into new phases of my life, Arcade Fire will now usher in a personal rebellion that hopefully will manifest itself across this project where I can Reflektor on what it means to be me.

I have no idea what this rebellion will look like - but my body will no longer be its cage.

[carpetbug]

tell me ab your bug and cat playlist!!!! (this is my main I’m zodoods dhsjvdsjj)

HI ZO 💕!! THANK U FOR INDULGING MY SILLY LITTLE SONG LISTS! i’ll give you a song or two from a couple <3

Chat Noir

Break (Alex G) - oh my god it just screams his sacrificial tendencies paired with his love for ladybug. obsessed with this song for him. I also see these sort of reflections? of other sides of him in this song? “I could disappear, if this is what makes you feel so real” cat walker out the fucking wazoo hello! “In my head I see bright lights… I think I’m feeling it now just like you did” “And I’ll break for you baby cause you make it feel so good” CHAT BLANC HELLOOOOOO!! anyways i’m super normal about this song and totally don’t have any plans to animate anything to this 👁️

Ladybug

happy news for sadness (Car Seat Headrest) - i see this song fitting both LB and mari! the obvious line being “You can never tell the truth but you can tell something that sounds like it” relating to how deeply she values honesty and truth, but ends up having to lie and hide things from almost all the people in her life. “Everytime I think about love, I think about me thinking about you … Everytime I think about love, I think about you thinking about me” sorry this is just so fucking ladynoir? thinking about you as in thinking about adrien, this boy i’ve devoted myself to loving, but when i think about love I also think about you, chat noir, thinking about me, ladybug, the girl you’re so openly in love with. how can those both be love when they’re so different? how can they both be the truth? are they even?

Marinette

Gambling Addiction (Leanna Firestone) - i’m so insane bonkers crazy for this song ITS SO GOOD GO LISTEN TO ALL OF LEANNAS MUSIC anyways. how marinette falls quite literally head over heels when she’s in love! but she ultimately feels like she’s always playing a losing game! I also love the whole concept of marinette being both luck as ladybug and unlucky as herself with always saying the wrong thing, falling over, etc. “I wanna be pulling lucky numbers and praying to lucky stars, finding four leaf clovers and counting all my cards but i’m walking under ladders, seeing black cats, spilling table salt, and stepping on every crack” “so i’m crossing all my fingers, i’m pressing all my luck cause I know misfortune just won’t be enough to keep me from betting it all on love again”

Adrien

TV (Alex G) - adrien’s relationship with his parents! especially with emelie just sort of being gone? and he never gets to have that closure? ESPECIALLY WITH HER BEING AN ACTRESS?? AND GABRIEL NOT LETTING ADRIEN WATCH HER ROLES?? “I get feelings from the TV, they can’t hurt me, they don’t know me” “He gets lonely, he forgets me and he bought us a TV cause you don’t come around anymore” IDK GUYS I CANT PUT IT INTO FUNCTIONAL WORDS BUT DO U SEE THE VISION??

Chat Blanc

The Wolf (Fever Ray) - i love this song for chat blanc so much! (here is a drawing i did with lyrics from it!) I just am so obsessed with the vibe and tone, how deep and echoey it is, but with the intermittent hollers! it gives a very specific feeling, I love it. “And it’s poison in his blood. Big fire, big burn, into the ashes and no return” just like a perfect reference to everyone being turned into literal ash! it works so well with the chaotic, destructive nature of blanc.

Shadybug

DICTATOR (REI AMI) - i think the general vibe of the song is so fitting for her! especially the really direct transition to a much softer and emotional tune/lyrics! RAAAA it’s just so telling of how she makes shadybug into this terrifying powerful figure that can and will hurt anyone in her way when she’s just marinette, this lonely teenager with one too many problems and a shitty/dangerous coping mechanism! “I am not your queen, i’m your dictator. bend the fucking knee, yeah bitch, that was an order! what you say to me, huh? bitch speak louder! you know i reign supreme” it’s just screams shadybug to me. also hehehehe reign supreme get it

Adrinette

Romeo & Juliet (Peter McPoland) - okay imma be so fr this one makes me feel a little too silly in the heart so i unfortunately do not have the words to explain but please imagine and chew on these lyrics “I’d say “oh I love you” to my Juliet, if you only knew, i’d kill for you, i am for you, i am just who you need me to be” “i hope you mean it when you say that I am yours and you are mine”

I Love You Too (Peter McPoland) - i’m a sucker for this man’s music he makes some bangers but yeah this song it just screams adrinette to me. especially post season five, seeing them get to explore starting a relationship together and navigate their own love!! also just really shows how devoted adrien is to loving marinette, how he holds her to no expectations, values her comfort and happiness above all else during their interactions LIKE GOD HE LOVES HER SO MUCH HES WILLING TO SIT AND WAIT AND LOVE HER IN SILENCE UNTIL SHES READY FOR IT TO BE AS LOUD AS IT FEELS!! IDK!! “i love you too, too much to say” “i love your hands held close to mine, the way that our fingers all intertwine”

Ladynoir

Best Song Ever (One Direction) - guys. do i even have to explain. it is so chat flirting with ladybug. it is so entirely season one ladynoir. “maybe it’s the way she walked straight into my heart and stole it” “I said “can i take you home with me?” she said “never in your wildest dreams””

Shameless (Camila Cabello) - some fun ladynoir reveal brain food! lb getting fed up with identities clogging her emotions and deciding to throw it aside and let chat make the decision himself “it’s been a secret for the longest time” “now that you have me, do you want me still?”

Marichat

HandClap (Fitz and The Tantrums) - ok it’s honestly just the part “Every night when the stars come out, am I the only living soul around? Need to believe you could hold me down cause I’m in need of something good right now” BUT HEAR ME OUT!! Marinette and Chat seeking each other out when they need comfort, someone to vent to. Finding each other, making this connection and this safe space with so much warmth and care between them that it grows from just mutual support to adoration. I need something good right now, I need you.

Vampire Empire (Big Thief) - tbh i’m not like 100% sure what about this song is so entirely marichat to me but. it is. More angsty, it makes me think of marinette and chat trying to foster a romance between them but it just tasting… stale? like a dead plant drowning from being overwatered. “the milk has just expired, all the leaves are dead. I’m not quiet, you’ve been quiet, just receiving what you said.” They do want each other, and there’s such intense love between them, but it just always feels like they’re going about it the wrong way. “Where you can’t seem to hold me, can’t seem to let me go, so I can’t find surrender, and I can’t keep control”

Ladrien

Sports (Beach Bunny) - Ladybug getting to explore Adrien’s hobbies with him as they get close! spending her time with him, learning any new skill he’s willing to teach just to make him happy “if you feel lonely, I could be lonely with you! Tell me baby, why do you seem so blue?” but eventually kind of getting tired of playing these games around their feelings and just wanting to be with him outside of these activities “I’m tired of waiting, I was never good at sports. Save the games for the girls on the tennis courts”

We’ll Never Have Sex (Leith Ross) - THE SOFTNESS!! THE GENTLENESS!! THE CARE AND COMPASSION AND LOVE AND SIMPLICTY! “If I said you could never touch me, you’d come over and say I looked lovely” ITS JUST SO THEM!! Adrien respecting these boundaries, listening to his lady, caring for and loving her regardless of what form it comes in. “Oh you kissed me, just to kiss me, not to make me cry. It’s was simple, you are sweetness, let’s just sit a while”

[slug-demon]

losing my MIDN ova here......

[alphadaddyderek]

random sterek fic. kinda dark so...(hybristophilia, specifically, murder)

Stiles knew it was wrong. Like, come on now, it’s murder. But! Was it really so bad? ‘Cause think about it: yes, murder is wrong, no, it doesn’t make it better that the person/thing that got murdered was a bad person/thing, but, the way Derek does it?

It’s just hot as fuck.

Derek could snap someone's neck one minute, then in the next minute be like “wanna go out for dinner?”

It’s insane and it should be very disconcerting. Which it totally is! Well, it was. When Stiles was 16. Back then he was just about unnerved by everything Derek did. He’s very intimidating, okay!

Now, though? As an adult? He’s so desensitized to this shit, and it’s morphed its way from being alarming to being tolerable to being full on aphrodisiacal. 

It really is insane. Like tonight for example.

Stiles is at the loft, reading a book and snuggling with their cat, Kitkat. Stiles picked the name and he’s not ashamed one bit. It’s January, and it’s uncharacteristically cold in the loft, although it's always cold at the loft, it’s usually never this cold. The central heating in there is bonkers. Anyway, Derek left to help Scott and Isaac chase down a wendigo, again. Derek told Stiles not to worry about it, which, Stiles definitely tried to do and nearly had an aneurysm for his troubles. Stiles is anxiously waiting for Derek to return, it’s one thing for Derek to run head first into danger while Stiles is there because at least then Stiles could keep an eye on him. It’s another thing entirely when Derek goes on these little trips without Stiles. Derek could be bleeding out from a gash to the chest on the forest floor for all Stiles knows. 

Stiles is starting to work himself up into a panic attack, which is never good but especially when he’s alone, when the door to the loft opens up. Stiles’ head whips towards the loft door to look, to make sure that it’s Derek and not Scott coming to deliver the worst news Stiles would get since the news of his mother. 

Stiles lets out a sigh of relief when Derek is the one walking through the door, clothes clean and free of blood or rips. Stiles instantly stands up and crosses the room so fast that Derek hadn’t even closed the door yet before Stiles was all in his space. 

“Well hello to you too,” Derek jokes with a smirk before finally closing the loft door. “I’m guessing you missed me?”

“No, I just wanted to make sure I didn’t have to find a new place to live. That would be a huge hassle,” Stiles replied even though Stiles knew that Derek knew that he was lying. 

“I thought I told you not to worry,” Derek says, crossing his arms and giving Stiles The Eyebrow. 

Stiles rolls his eyes. “It’s like you don’t even know me. All I do is worry.”

Derek very not subtly sniffs the air, before looking at Stiles again. “I can smell that. Are you okay?”

Stiles huffs before finally wrapping his arms around Derek like he’s been wanting to for the past minute. “I’m fine. Are you okay? You’re the one flying into danger with nothing but nails and teeth.”

Derek wraps his arms around Stiles with a chuckle. “You are grossly underestimating just how good I am at defending myself with said nails and teeth.”

“Yeah yeah, whatever. Can we go sit down now?”

Derek pinches Stiles in the side and ducks out of the hug before Stiles has a chance to retaliate. Stiles narrows his eyes at Derek.

“See. This is why I’m going to break up with you and start dating Cora. How about that?”

Derek snorts, something that Derek would’ve never done 6 years ago. Stiles can’t help but smile.

“Yeah right. Anyway, since you were so worried about me, I have something that’ll cheer you up,” Derek states.

“Oh yeah? Like what?” Stiles asks, although he’s pretty sure he already knows the answer. As stated earlier, Stiles thinks that Derek killing is super hot. It’s a huge kink for him and Derek knows it. Derek has no problem exploiting that kink. None. Nada. Zip. 

So, whenever Derek ends someone’s life, Stiles wants to fuck him. He wants to hear all the gory details because that’s part of the kink.

It’s fucked up. Like, so fucked up. If Stiles’ father ever found out about this he’d probably have a coronary. 

“Wanna sit down first?” Derek asks. He’s teasing. He knows that Stiles wants to hear all the murder details and he’s being a grade A dick about it.

Stiles huffs, for the second time in the span of 2 minutes, and grabs Derek’s arm before dragging him towards the couch that their cat has long abandoned and depositing him onto one of the cushions. Stiles falls down beside him and waits not so patiently for Derek to speak.

Fortunately for Stiles, Derek takes mercy on him and fills him in. And oooh boy, it’s graphic. Derek actually did end up getting blood and innards on his clothes but he had a change of clothes in the car, which explains the lack of blood and innards on his clothes right now.

Of course, because Stiles is a fucking freak who loves this shit, he’s immensely turned on and he needs to fuck Derek as soon as humanly possible. 

And by the look that Derek is giving him, Stiles thinks that will happen very, very soon.

[fandom-space-princess]

fic writer interview

tagged by @sinaesthete - thanks boo 💕

How many works do you have on AO3?

18. Somehow. I only started posting them in January, which means I've been averaging more than 2 per month?! Granted, most of them are one-shots, but still. Bonkers.

What’s your total AO3 word count?

79,889. I have contributed one novel's worth of questionable fandom content to the greater ecosystem. Joy unbounded.

How many fandoms have you written for and what are they?

The only fics I've published where anyone else could see them (or finished, for that matter) are for Supernatural. Others exist. I may even dredge them out into the light one day. Especially the Dragon Age ones, when DA4 comes out and inflicts some inevitable violence upon my poor little heart.

What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

In descending order:

- Wayward Family: (T, 31589 words/26 chapters) Sitcomnatural, aka Seven Fools In A Bunker AU. Stream-of-consciousness first drafts from the beginning of the year, when I was starting to catch up on the show again after having dipped out sometime around season 6-7ish originally. I honestly expected zero readership for this, and was pleasantly surprised that so many people responded so well to it. Because I was definitely still knocking the dust off my writing skills at that point, lol. Maybe one day I'll go back to it and make it better - there's definitely stuff I'd do differently next time around.

- Some Live Like Orpheus: (T, 6193 words/1 chapter) Adam rescues Michael from the Empty, featuring Adam as Orpheus and Michael as Eurydice, with special appearances from Jack and the Shadow. The first thing I wrote that I was really, genuinely pleased with myself over.

- Vox Celeste: (E, 1909 words/1 chapter) Midam smut. PWP, in fact. Lyrical, pretty smut (or at least, that's what I was going for), but all the same.

- The First Day of the Rest of Your Afterlife: (T, 4558 words/1 chapter) Sequel to 'Orpheus'. Michael and Adam having their happily-ever-after together. This might be the most utterly self-indulgent fluff I have written. I love it.

- Two Weddings and an Engagement: (T, 7812 words/1 chapter) Written for the tumblr Midam wedding day. The Love Is Requited, They're Just Idiots - truly the most trope of all time. Featuring background sabrileena, because I am a joyful polyamorous disaster bisexual and I think they should all get to be, too.

Do you respond to comments, why or why not?

Uh. To my great shame, I mostly don't. I always want to - the fact that people take time to comment on my writing is not lost on me as an act of love involving effort, and I can't express how much it means to me. I read and cherish every single comment I get. But interacting on AO3 takes a lot of spoons for me for some reason - and usually I just. Don't have it in me.

I'm working on it.

What’s the fic you’ve written with the angstiest ending?

I don't write much angst, because I am first and foremost a cinnamon roll in need of fluff and comfort. But it does happen occasionally. I think the angstiest fic is Reliquary - more of a ficlet, really, since it's only about 600 words. But they're 600 words of Major Character Death, and I made myself cry writing it, so probably that one.

Do you write crossovers? If so what is the craziest one you’ve written?

Nah. Not really my jam.

Have you ever received hate on a fic?

No direct hate! The closest I've gotten was someone getting rude about characterization, which was more funny than anything else. What a strange thing to pick a fight over.

Do you write smut? If so what kind?

Quite happily, yes. I find physical intimacy to be very fulfilling, personally, and writing about my characters having those experiences themselves is fun.

Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not to my knowledge...?

Have you ever had a fic translated?

Also not that I'm aware of.

Have you ever co-written a fic before?

I have not. I kind of suspect I'd be a nightmare to co-write anything with. My writing brain works when it wants to work, not when I want it to work necessarily. And I have no way of predicting when that will be.

What’s your all time favorite ship?

I have a terrible time choosing favorites of anything, so I aggressively multiship. That said, in spn? Michael/Adam. Very closely followed by (exclusively S5 & earlier) Lucifer/Sam.

Outside of Supernatural, it's kind of a tossup. Probably the DA2 OT5 polycule (Hawke/Anders/Fenris/Isabela/Merrill). I'm aware this is a ship for insane people; I will not be accepting criticism at this time 💀

What’s a WIP that you want to finish but don’t think you ever will?

As of now, I actually plan to finish all my current WIPs! Pyrphoros was in very real danger of ending up in WIP purgatory for a while, but fortunately or unfortunately for everyone involved, Sin read the first chapter and gave me a pile of compliments. So now I am honor-bound to finish it (<creature brain> Friend liked fic must write more fic must please the Friend </creature brain>). It's getting worked on, bit by bit around my other projects, but still. It's happening.

What are your writing strengths?

I think I'm decent at getting emotions across? I'm also good at vivid visualization - in my head, I can usually see very clearly what I'm trying to describe, and I feel like that's helpful in getting it down effectively. Beyond that, I'm honestly not sure what you'd call my strengths.

What are your writing weaknesses?

I have close to zero control over when I'll have both time and motivation to write. Some of that is just the reality of balancing a more-than-full-time job with my hobby. Some of it is the executive dysfunction. But it does mean that when I'll finish anything can be... unpredictable.

What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic?

I can't do it, and I don't love reading it. If I have to go looking for a translation somewhere in the notes, it wrecks my immersion in the story. No shade to people who do enjoy it; languages are gorgeous, and translations are imperfect at the best of times. Often the language something is written in is inseparable from the tone and cultural context it is meant to convey. But if given the choice, I don't seek it out.

What was the first fandom you wrote for?

Like I said, Supernatural is the only fandom with anything published. I think the first fandom I ever actually created anything for was Buffy. (Is that cringe? Yes. But consider: I live free of the shackles of shame. I am cringe, and I am happy).

What’s your favorite fic you’ve written?

Probably one of the mini Midam week ones from earlier this year. Tie between Radio Silence and Every Day's Most Quiet Need, both of which turned out much better than I expected.

Not tagging anybody this time because my brain is currently scrambled eggs, although if anyone wants to do this please consider yourself tagged and feel free!

[wannawritefast]

Whiplash: Ch. 2- The Proposition

A/N: Thanks for the lovely words of encouragement, you guys! I’m so glad you like it! This is a REALLY long fic that I am nowhere near finished with yet. But I finish classes this week so I should be able to bang the rest of it out.

Pt. 1

Pairing: Gwilym Lee!Brian May x Reader

Warnings: None... mild language, mentions of Stupid Men

You were running out of time. To be fair, you were far too busy to even pay any mind to the challenge you made with your brother, despite him reminding you every time you called home. Maybe you figured that if you didn’t think about it, it would just go away.

Even though Brian didn’t primarily practice astrophysics, you still took time to stay close friends and support him at his gigs when you could. The two of you got lunch on a regular basis. He was easily one of the people that knew you best in the whole world. Not to mention, Brian had pulled you away from projects more than a few times when you were dangerously close to a mental and emotional breakdown; all these years later, he was still your best friend.

“Brian,” you said, blowing on a spoonful of your soup. What James had said got to you more than you cared to admit. You shouldn’t have let it bug you so much but it did. And you had to know, “do you think I’m a pathetic stick in the mud?”

Brian coughed on his food and wiped his mouth with a napkin. “Of course not! Why would you say something like that?” His hazel eyes twinkled.

You shrugged brushing it aside, trying to dismiss how much your brother’s criticisms had bothered you during that fateful dinner. “I don’t know…” You couldn't seem to look up at him. “It was just something James said-”

Brian put his hand up and rolled his eyes at the mention of your sibling. “I’m going to stop you right there.” It wasn’t the first time you had brought up an insecurity planted by your brother with him. “Why do you still listen to that prick?” Brian questioned. “He’s still living with your parents, yeah?”

“Just moved from his bedroom to the basement actually last week.” You explained.

“Ah… moving on up. Or rather down.” Brian joked. You laughed. “I’m serious though. James has no right to criticize you. And I don’t understand why he would. You’re successful! He should be proud. I know I am.”

Your heart swelled and you flushed a little at his words. You tucked a lock of your hair behind your ear. “I suppose he just isn’t very fond of me most times,” you laughed humorlessly.

“Well, I suppose he’s also fairly daft too.” You laughed for real this time. Brian joined in on the laughter. He pointed his fork angrily. “Seriously, his abuse has gone on long enough. Don’t listen to him.” You gave him a small grateful smile. “If it eases your mind, think of it this way: if I thought you were a stick in the mud, do you think I’d be friends with you?”

“Well… no,” you answered. You raised an eyebrow at him. “Would my dashing good looks not win you over enough, May?”

“You’ve got me there. Those eyes are trouble.” You suppressed the blush forming on your face and continued eating your lunch.

There was a comfortable silence that settled between the two of you for a few moments. “I cut you off there. Was there anything else he said?” Brian asked out of the blue.

“Well… not exactly,” You replied.

“How do you mean?” He lowered his utensil in suspicion. You swore he had a sixth sense for this kind of stuff.

“I may or may not have gotten myself into a stupid wager with him.”

He tilted his head ever so slightly like he knew it was going to bad. God, he was scary. Brian took a quick bite of his salad, before setting it down again, “What kind of wager?”

You were going to be sick. The more you thought about it the stupider it sounded. You took a deep breath and twisted the spoon in your fingers. You had literally been losing sleep over the stupid bet you made with James. He would never let you live it down if you didn’t follow through with your end and you were too bloody tired of him and his digs.

“It’s… uh. It’s nothing for you to worry about. It’s stupid.”

“It doesn’t seem very stupid to you,” Brian defended. “You actually look like you’re going to pass out.” He sat up a little straighter. “Are you okay?”

“I…” The frustration that plagued you earlier reappeared and was joined by serious fatigue from work and stress from the challenge. “It’s kind of embarrassing actually.”

Brian rolled his eyes. “I’ve seen you get basic math incorrect and you’ve been utterly mental after drinks on multiple occasions. It can’t be worse than anything I have seen already.”

You took a deep breath. “Basically my dad, brother, and grandfather were having a go at me for not being in a relationship and then Donna chimed in saying I’m in a relationship when I’m not because James took a comment too far and now my family thinks I have a boyfriend and I have to bring a fake one home for Christmas to prove James wrong and not be an utter disappointment to them for once and I can’t find anyone to date me for real so how could I possibly find one person who would pretend to?

“That sounded even more insane coming out of my mouth.” Brian looked at you with a blank expression for a moment, attempting to process what you had just word vomited. You awkwardly ate another spoonful and laughed through it. You had no idea what in the bloody hell you were going to do.

“So you have to find someone to fake date you for the holidays while you visit your family so they’ll be off your arse?” Brian asked. His fork sat limply in his hand.

“Precisely, yeah,” you answered.

And then it clicked. There it was. Your opportunity. By what divine intervention it was opened was beyond you. You quite literally stared it down in its hazel eyes. You couldn't ask that of Brian… could you?

“On a semi-related note-” you set down your spoon and steepled your fingers contemplatively “-what are your plans for the holidays?”

Brian visibly gulped. “I know what you’re going to ask me.”

“And?” You raised your eyebrows hopefully. Please say yes… 

“Really? Why on earth would you choose me?” Brian countered. “I’m, and I’ve said this before, a bloody idiot.”

“Because I know you and you know me and it would be so easy,” you answered. Why you hadn’t thought of Brian before was beyond you…

“I’m telling you, Y/n. You could do so much better than this buffoon.” Brian took a drink of water but sustained eye contact. “You need someone proper. Like a lawyer or something.”

“Bri, I want you!” you defended. Brian’s expression changed to startled. It was true… to an extent. Oh, goodness. You cleared your throat. “Besides… who’s to say you’re not proper. You’ve studied astrophysics. AND if you’re so worried about being proper, I don’t need someone proper. I just need someone who can pass as a significant other for two weeks and you’re perfect.”

“But I’m in a bloody rock band. I’ll disappoint them. I’m not really the type to bring home to mum and dad,” his voice was oddly brittle.

“Brian, of course you are,” you scolded. “You’re charming. They’ll love you.”

“No, they won’t.”

“Yes, they will.”

“You don’t know that.”

“Neither do you!” You set down your utensils. “And why aren’t you taking your own advice?”

He furrowed his brows. “What advice?”

“Remember when I had that mental breakdown at university when working on one of my first deadlines for my thesis?” You looked down at your lap sheepishly.

Brian shook his head and let out an amused quick chuckle before meeting your eyes. “Yes, yes I do.”

“Do you remember what you told me?”

Brian hummed to himself attempting to recollect his interaction. “‘It’s late. You’re gonna go bonkers doing all that work.’”

“No… Yes, but not that.”

“‘Brian May looks like an anthropomorphic poodle.’”

“True but no. Do you usually talk in the third person?”

“Brian does not wish to comment.”

“Bri,” you resisted the urge to laugh, “do you remember?”

He let out a huff. “‘Fuck them.’”

“And?”

“And… ‘don’t worry about what you think they’ll think.’”

“And if you’re worried about what they’ll think truthfully,” you reasoned, “why aren’t you taking your own advice?”

“Because!... Because it’s different this time!”

You crossed your arms and sat back. “And why is that?”

“Because you’re right, dammit,” he laughed and you joined in. “I hate when you’re right.”

“I don’t,” you quipped.

“Yeah, I know.”

You suddenly felt guilty. Like you were forcing Brian’s hand. Like you were pressuring him to help you. You took a deep breath and picked up your spoon once more. “Look, Brian. I don’t mean to push you. If you don't want to do it, you don’t have to. I understand. I’ll just get my ego in check and-”

“I’ll do it,” Brian answered.

“You’ll do it?” Your jaw dropped and your grip on your utensil faltered a little as well.

He nodded with a soft smile. “Yeah, I’ll do it.”

“My god, Brian, you’re brilliant! Why the sudden change of heart?” You stopped yourself as Brian opened his mouth to respond. “Wait! Don’t answer that. Thank you! Thank you!”

You stood up abruptly, not caring how crazy you looked. You were simply overcome with relief. You all but knocked Brian out of his chair with the hug you gave him. He warned you gently to be careful as you walked back to your seat.

“We’ll do Christmas at yours and I suppose New Year’s at mine, that is if you want to come,” Brian elaborated. “I’m sure my parents won’t mind me bringing a girl home.” He chuckled nervously.

“I have no words to thank you enough,” you urged. “Seriously. Thank you.” Your brother was going to eat his words and your dad was going to not scold you anymore and your grandfather was going to get off of your arse about great-grandchildren.

Brian shook his head. “Don’t thank me,” he brushed aside. “You’re my best friend. I’d do anything for you.”

[luckyspike]

i just wrote raising steam fanfic get it out of my head

i listened to ‘We Are Number One [DANK EDITION]’ for the duration of the writing

It seemed appropriate

Vimes makes it a point, on the Iron Girder, to get to know everybody present. It is, after all, a fairly important journey: the Low King is on board, and what kind of guard would he be if he didn’t sniff out any suspicious characters? A piss poor one, honestly.

The engineers don’t worry him - he knows them already, at any rate, and they’re all too focused on steam and mechanisms to pose any legitimate danger. He only has to watch them for a few minutes at work, watching dials, pulling levers, to know this. They’re obsessive, and their first priority would be the smooth operation of the engine. One less group to worry about, then.

The stokers, though. He’d wondered about the stokers. Hand-picked by Harry King, Vimes reasoned they were probably above-board at least in this one specific instance, if not at any other point in their lives. But they were an odd bunch, mysterious pasts, with the sole task of shoveling coal into a furnace - a single-minded job, and not hard to slide into if, say, you wanted to hitch a ride on a rather important journey without drawing too much attention.

Vimes didn’t trust them.

There were eight of them in all, and they had the shifts worked out amongst themselves. Early in the journey, Vimes made the decision not to watch them work, as he had the engineers, because they had a simple job and, if he had to guess, they didn’t likely love it. He admitted, after talking to the first two that he might have been wrong on that count - bonkers about the railroad, the both of them - but nevertheless, Vimes weighed caution above all else. No, individual interrogation would be the way with the stokers. There would be no hiding, no avoidance, just a frank conversation for Vimes to ask his questions and take their measure.

Which was why, a scant 36 hours after leaving Ankh-Morpork, he found himself nearly apoplectic with rage in the stokers’ car, glaring down the tyrant of previously-mentioned city.

He had recognized the man as soon as they came face-to-face, next-day stubble and ridiculous gray shirt and trousers aside, and then blast him he’d had the nerve to say “I don’t suppose you’re going to interrogate me, now, Vimes?” before grabbing the commander by the front of his shirt and, sighing heavily, dragging him into the car. “I’d be obliged if you made it quick.”

“The hells are you doing here?” he spat, while his body snapped to attention, because some habits can’t be broken. “Are you insane?”

Vetinari considered the question. “No, I don’t think so. In fact I’m nearly positive that I am not.”

“So why are you doing - doing …” He waved his arms helplessly.

“This?” Vetinari smirked. “Would you believe me if I said it sounded like fun?”

“Absolutely not,” said Vimes, although he would have. He just didn’t want to.

“Very well. Then consider this: I have entrusted a fairly crucial portion of foreign relations to von Lipwig, and added in the potential for catastrophic mechanical disaster. I can do many things from afar, Vimes, but sometimes it’s best to ensure personally that things don’t go … awry.” He crossed his arms. “Honest enough?”

“You could die,” Vimes hissed, still lingering on ‘catastrophic mechanical disaster’. “If this train goes -”

“Then we all die,” Vetinari said simply. “Frankly, Vimes, I feel it’s unlikely and in either case, should the Low King, you, and von Lipwig die on this blasted mechanism while I remain in the city, my own lifespan there would probably not greatly outlast yours.”

Vimes blinked. He considered it. His rage banked, for a minute, but then another thought jumped into the fire and he snapped, “There will be fighting. You know there will be.”

“Hm, yes, I rather expect I do.” He smirked again. “I don’t need you to protect me, if that is what you’re thinking. Believe it or not, Vimes, I can take care of myself, on occasion.”

“It’s my duty.”

“I’m an Assassin,” Vetinari replied simply, which Vimes considered might be answer enough. “I will be equipped with a very serviceable shovel, and I’m sure it won’t surprise you to know I’ve also taken my own precautions.” There is a whisper and from somewhere - where? Vimes wondered - a knife appeared in Vetinari’s hand. Not a dagger, but a proper knife, with all of the intent and none of the class of the Guild’s usual fare. He blinked. “Feel better?” Vetinari asked, twirling the thing between his fingers before it vanished again, no more obviously than it had appeared.

“Not really.” Another thought occurred to him. “If you’re here, then who’s -” His eyes widened. “Charlie’s a godsdamn idiot, my Lord, excuse my Klatchian.”

“It’s Blake, for the time being,” Vetinari corrected. “Just Blake. And Charlie is an idiot, but an idiot who looks like me, and therefore not entirely useless.” He shrugged and, to Vimes’ complete amazement, grabbed a mug of coffee at random prior to taking a swig. “He has Drumknott with him, he’ll be fine.” He considered the coffee and then set it aside. “I don’t understand the compulsion to put sugar in coffee, I really don’t. Are we done here?”

Vimes blinked. “What? I - Dammit Vetinari -”

“Blake.”

“Whatever. Just …” Vimes scowled, and then, in a move that might have been suicidal back in Ankh-Morpork, but what did that matter here and now, when the Worlde had Gone Madde, he jabbed a finger into Vetinari’s chest. “Don’t die.”

Vetinari nodded solemnly. “I promise I will do my best not to, Commander. Can I leave now?”

Vimes glowered up at the man and then stepped aside. “Fine.”

“Duty calls, and all that.” Vetinari brushed past, and paused at the door, half-opened, to turn and raise an eyebrow at Vimes. “Good luck with your inquiries, Commander. Although, if I may offer a suggestion?”

“No.”

“I’m going to anyway.” Vimes noticed, as an engineer strode past, down the hall, that in a blink Vetinari’s typical genteel enunciation had disappeared, replaced with something coarse and clipped - Pseudopolis, Vimes realized. “Don’t worry about the stokers. There’s way more interesting stuff happening in the back.” He smirked. “I’ve got the front end handled.” He left then, scooping a shovel up from the rack outside the little room, and sauntered - sauntered - up to the engine. Vimes watched him go, hands in his pockets and a rancorous scowl on his face.

“Bloody bastard,” he muttered, before he turned away and headed back to the other compartments, to continue his inquiries … literally anywhere else.

[warcrafttimemd]

Thoughts On The Criticism of AU!Draenei Direction

As the fallout from the revelations of the Mag’har Allied Race scenario continues to spread through the fanbase, I’ve seen plenty of good reasons why the decision to turn the AU!Draenor Draenei evil was a terrible one: it’s illogical, it invalidates the entirety of the Warlords of Draenor storyline, it’s a weak-ass excuse to set the Mag’har against a threat they need help with that they couldn’t get from the AU!Draenei that also completely ignores all the other nonsense going on like the crazy plants in Gorgrond, it’s the latest in the increasingly shameful exhibit of how Blizzard doesn’t know how to write female characters, it’s a pathetically lazy attempt to peddle the ‘both sides are evil’ narrative even though the AU@Draenei are not and have never actually been part of the Alliance, it’s just bad fucking writing, etc. It is an awful decision for all those reasons listed.

I have seen one that doesn’t work, though, and it’s been written a number of different ways:

“Draenei don’t/can’t work as oppressors because they’ve always been oppressed.”

“Draenei are victim-coded, so making them evil is wrong.”

“I can’t/don’t feel sorry for the Mag’har because they treated the Draenei so horribly in the past.”

It all basically boils down to this: Draenei, as villains, are impossible. Frankly, I don’t buy it.

“Draenei don’t/can’t work as oppressors because they’ve always been oppressed.”

Being oppressed or conquered in the past, whether as an individual or a group, doesn’t prevent an individual or a group from being oppressors or conquerors in the future. There’s no Ron Swanson-style card they get to hold up that says “I can do what I want.” What it does mean is that, having been treated in this awful way, they should know better than to turn around and do it to someone else. Unfortunately, you can look at the entire history of Azeroth to see how that lesson’s taken hold in others - or hasn’t, in most cases.

To the more severe version of the idea, that Draenei can’t be oppressors - that they are physically and morally incapable of the act on an objective scale, no matter the actual results of their actions - because of how they’ve been treated in the past, I also say bollocks. The ability to dominate and conquer is directly related to the power wielded by a person/faction; when we left AU!Draenor at the end of Warlords, the AU!Draenei were still on the back-foot (back-hoof?), but when we come back to AU!Draenor, even though we don’t have exact specifics yet, we can infer that they’ve grown in size and strength enough not just to challenge the Mag’har, but to become the dominant species/faction on the planet.

Whatever power of the Mag’har/Iron Horde wielded in the past, it’s now passed to the AU!Draenei. They have the power, and they’re happily using it to convert, enslave, and wipe out the Mag’har. When a faction starts outnumbering and enslaving other races, they don’t get to hold onto that ‘oppressed’ title. As Garrosh Hellscream himself said:

“Draenei are victim-coded, so making them evil is wrong.” 

This variation holds the most water for me, although I’d still argue it’s inaccurate. Is turning the AU!Draenei ‘evil’ morally wrong? No. Is it distasteful? Arguably. Is it a poor idea at this point in World of Warcraft’s story? Absolutely.

To a certain extent, I think I see what Blizzard is attempting to do: they’re pulling an ‘Arthas,’ showcasing how dire a threat is by showing that even the best and brightest can be turned into moustache-twirling villains by its influence. I think that Blizzard hopes that in doing so, not only will they add a huge amount of weight to Xe’ra’s actions in Legion, they’ll also be adding a huge amount of weight to the concept that the Light can be just as dangerous as the Void, which has, up until the Xe’ra stuff, seemed more like trite ‘all things in moderation’ philosophy than something concrete.

Xe’ra’s extremist approach was easy enough to pass off as a fluke for a number of reasons: because of existing in a fragmented state for so long, her sanity was questionable (wow, another insane female character, real original Blizz), she was ancient beyond reckoning, coming from a time and place far divorced from Azeroth (and Azerothian ideas about good and evil), etc. Xe’ra was really the first true instance of a Light-aligned character doing some really questionable stuff in the name of the Light; there have been other characters in similar circumstances (Arthas, the Scarlet Crusade, etc.) but all of those were shown to be ultimately under the control or direction of more nefarious forces. There’s no question what Xe’ra is up to. Xe’ra can’t be discounted as a rogue agent anymore. She isn’t the exception, she’s the harbinger, and the AU!Draenei (and potentially more characters in the future) are what she is heralding.

As to whether turning a ‘victim-coded’ race into conquerors is ‘wrong’...I guess I don’t even really understand that concept, that once a race/faction has been established as more likely to give ground than hold or take, then they’ll never, ever do anything but that, and that changing or reversing that behavior is morally incorrect on the behalf of the writers. Honestly, I addressed most of that in the first section. Yes, the Draenei have been shown to be naturally peaceful, and retreating from a fight or attempting to negotiate is their first instinct. However, they’ve also been shown to be easily swayed to drastic action when their faith is appealed to, something both Sargeras and K’ure took advantage of in the past, though for different reasons. A running theme in the Warcraft games is how absolute power corrupts, and there’s no good reason why any faction should be immune from that, no matter what they’ve been through. Dealing with shit in the past earns you nothing on a cosmic scale, which the World of Warcraft writers seem to enjoy reminding us a lot of lately.

That still doesn’t make the decision to have the AU!Draenei go Crusades on Draenor any better. It’s certainly in poor taste. The people of AU!Draenor got about as happy an ending as World of Warcraft affords: the bad guys were defeated, and everybody was pledged to a brighter future because, down at brass tacks, that’s what they all wanted. Then we come back years later - from the clues in the broadcast text, I’m assuming the Mag’har scenario takes place about 20-30 years after the events of Warlords - and find that literally everything is ruined. Nothing the players did really mattered at all; even though the Legion is no longer in the picture, Draenor is still in the hands of tyrants, it’s just religious fanatics instead of savage warriors this time. Who knows what’s happened to the Arakkoa. They were probably first on the AU!Draenei’s ‘to-smite’ list. It’s such an absolutely bitter pill that it almost defies belief. I joked about it in a post a while back, but Blizzard really did make Warlords somehow worse.

“I can’t/don’t feel sorry for the Mag’har because they treated the Draenei so horribly in the past.”

I call this the ‘Killmonger problem,’ because the folks who feel this way don’t assign an intrinsic negative value to certain actions/practices, but rather base their approval of those actions/practices purely on who’s performing them. In other words, they don’t have a problem with objectively evil actions like conquering and/or enslaving, but only as long as they’re the ones doing it or it’s happening to someone they don’t like.

Because the Mag’har were awful to the AU!Draenei in the past, there’s a tacit approval on some of the players’ parts of the idea that now the AU!Draenei should be able to be as awful as they want to the Mag’har. That’s not a perspective concerned with justice, but with vengeance, with ‘getting even.’ I’m not denying that the Iron Horde did some heinous things in the past, but visiting those horrors back on them does nothing but continue the cycle of violence.

Look, if the writers fail to elicit sympathy for the Mag’har, that’s partially on them. The way they’ve botched this entire thing, I’m not surprised. I’m having a hard time myself, although I suspect that’s mostly because I’m still trying to wrap my head around how the AU!Draenei could’ve possibly gone this bad in the first place. But I think the whole scenario also challenges us as an audience to look at this once completely sympathetic faction and what they’re doing now, and ask ourselves “Am I okay/not okay with this, and why? Am I getting a vicarious thrill out of seeing Draenei finally beat some Orc ass after years and years of oppression?” If the answer is yes, then own it, but don’t pretend like you’ve got the moral high ground to criticize story direction when you’re the one condoning or at least complicit with the faction that’s killing people for worshiping the wrong god. Glass houses and all that.

There is one more variation I’ve seen - not listed above - that explicitly has to do with how certain races in World of Warcraft are tied to real world equivalents, but that’s a complete can of worms that’s not really ever worth opening. Once we start talking about how certain factions are (insert race/religion)-coded, we project biases and opinions from the real world onto situations and people in completely different contexts, and we start debating about both as if they’re one, and they’re really not. Every race and faction in WoW is a mishmash of influences from multiple cultures, and trying to superimpose real world history over a fictional universe that exists as such leads directly to The Yawning, Dark Cavern That Nothing Good Ever Comes Out Of.

Sorry if this entire post has come off as completely bonkers. I’ve been drafting and rewriting it over the course of a couple of days, so I know it’s not the most coherent thing in the world, but, for whatever reason, whenever I saw justifications like this for hating on the Mag’har scenario, it just really ground my gears. Don’t get me wrong, I hate the direction that Blizzard has chosen to go with AU!Draenei, but I also feel pretty strongly that there are valid, logical reasons for disliking something, and then there’s just pseudo-socio-political nonsense. Feels kind of like people giving a politician a hard time about his/her looks or clothing choices when they're an abhorrent human being with no morals and terrible politics. If you're gonna go after a problem, go after it for the right reasons.

[survivorreelsmagicwithin]

Episode 11- “we will see if anyone comes out of the saloon anytime soon”-Lily

I am literally so shook LOL, I don't know what just happened but...  Dan used his idol on me and I wish he would have stayed because comp queen... I am not.  I KNOW I am going to be the next to go if I don't win the next immunity challenge and I just don't know which of these fakes to put my trust in. I HONESTLY went back to Landen and Lily and intend to keep it that way because I don't know what kind of fuckery just happened with everyone else.   AND CHIPS IF YOU WROTE MY NAME DOWN AFTER WE PROMISED NOT TO WRITE EACH OTHERS NAMES....  jk LOL.  I went from like sobbing last week to laughing this week, I am a MESS. 

3 minutes later

TOUCHY SUBJECTS!! This is going to be my comp to win because I have a method with this one that NEVER fails me when I use it.  To do it I just have to be INSANELY honest and then just get into the head of everyone else.  I write everyone's name down that is still in the game and I figure out what each person would say for each question and then I tally it up!   LOOK at me being all cocky and confident about it, watch me lose now, LOL.

1 hour later

I really hope I win this challenge so I won't join Owen and Dan in the jury anytime soon.  This one is another one that I feel like Jules will do really good on, so there is that.  She, Landen and Lily are the ONLY ones that have talked to me after tribal.   Also did I mentioned I left the alliance chat I made with Landen and Lily then made a new one, LOL.  I promise I'm only this crazy when I play Survivor, I have no chill, I'm either dead and float to the end or I'm chaotic and jump from person to person and burn bridges and play BADLY like a crazy person.

when two idols get played and you accidentally send out a frenemy lmaaaaoo ily Dan

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uOcx0U-XVpA  

ok now on to the show

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1j3uV5Zc49fbFH4xLK-L0JQX82xsiA1dq/view?usp=sharing

dear diary, what the FUCK! i disassociate for one (1) day and everything goes bonkers.. all i can say is that i'm glad landen trusts me so much because whew.. what a messy man. but i love everything about him.. CFHGVJBKN no but for realsies this vote was CRAZY. but one of the biggest threats in this game.. at least to me just got out SOOO. i am thriving. i honestly think i'm genuinely in a really good position in this game because voting for ruthie last round secures my trust with so many people in this game.. aka autumn, lily AND while landen already trusts me so much <3 im even in more good graces with him by keeping in someone so close to him even though im still hmmm. on how close him and lily are. it's scary but.. i know he holds me dearly to him too so boom? UM! i don't know. working with jules and kevin is reassuring too.. chips and i are tight always.. the only people i don't talk to are joanna and ruthie but i don't think that will affect me in an matter. so. smiles.

HA!!! I may have had the most OTT confessionals ever last round but look who gets the last laugh?? LANDEN GETS THE LAST LAUGH! Because I was RIGHT. I knew that something was going on and something mysterious was being planned, I was utterly confused as to why this shit was happening around me, and I knew these people were off. I said They are PLAYING ME and why do I not know what's going on, there's something shady happening... And yes there was. I have to thank Kevin for making the dumbest move he could possibly make, which is to tell me and Lily. Sorry Kevin but you fucked me over twice and I'm not good with that, I'm not okay with his double dealing anymore! :) He was playing the middle and he got caught and If I want to make sure that Lily and myself continue to get through votes... That's the card I have to play. Last night I was working overtime as hard as possible to convince Chips and Autumn that they need to split the votes onto Ruthie and Dan, and to do that I was throwing Ruthie and Kevin under the bus. Oooops! Then they made it super easy by telling me the vote was on Lily which gave me the ammunition to flip things on Ruthie. Kevin might think it was just for that round, but I'm so glad, because this vote finally put me in a position of a tiny bit of power, I think. I'm still not like, RUNNING things, but I got an alliance of 5 and I think we really do have motivation to stick together, at least for now, and take Kevin and Ruthie OUT of this game. If I can just do that, that sets me up really well for the final stages of this game. I have to take out the double agents, get rid of the double dealing, set up this vote CLEAR, because I don't have an idol for protection anymore. Speaking of which... Yes I guess you could consider that a waste, but it wasn't like Lily got NO votes. I knew she would be getting 2 for sure, and I only knew for sure that Dan was getting 1. I was not going to risk Lily's life on the fluke possibility that there would be 2 or 3 Dan votes or that people would revote out Dan over Lily. No way. Lily is not only a huge shield for me in this game because of her social game, connections, and strategic prowess (she'd be more threatening than me in any FTC i think which makes people want to go for her instead of me), but she's someone who's ALWAYS going to have my back in this game. That is extremely powerful, I don't know if most people realize how powerful it is for someone to always have your back and be giving you information, that kind of relationship is necessary in Survivor and it always gives a type of power that could help me go on to win this game. And honestly, the more people think I'm playing FOR lily and that they shouldn't respect my game bc a lot of it is in the name of helping her and i BOTH get through things, they're wrong, but the better they think that bc that just helps make me seem a little less threatening and a little more like the ideal Buddy to take into Final Tribal Council! Where I hopefully have the story and the moves to wreck any opponent sans Autumn, Jules, Kevin, maaaaybe juls who all obviously cannot be allowed to make it there. :P I feel MUCH better about my spot in the game now. MARSHMALLOW MOVES BABY

INCH RESTING that only Landen, Lily and Jules have talked to me one on one since last night.  They are the ones that I was most wary of last round but I rely a lot on the of the social aspect of this game and if these people are too scared to talk to me after voting for me I'm not going to feel bad if I vote for them, haha.   I really have a good feeling about this challenge and I am once again praying to the survivor gods that I manage to pull out a win.  I NEED this.

I hate touchy subjects, I have never won it. Also last vote was a mess, two idols were played and that is insane. I was added really late to this new alliance chat and like okay cool, but I know I'm on the bottom of that alliance and they are trying to tell me that kevin is a snake but i trust kevin and like i can't go against that alliance because they are majority and tbh i'm not 100% sure who is all IN that alliance, they just told me to vote ruthie and i did and then she didn't even go home. i have voted for ruthie twice now and ruthie has gone home zero times, i'm worried she is going to come for me, but i've just been trying to vote with majority my guys

The anxiety I feel before immunity results is UNREAL in this game, haha. I have a really strong feeling that I won this one... and I am usually wrong when I start thinking that but I just HOPE that I did, I need this to squeak by.   I'm not really sure what I am going to do going forward, I feel like if I win this round I can either a) Cause a lot of ruckus and spill everyones tea when they finally decide to talk game with me or b) Have complete loyalty to Landen and Lily and just do whatever the heck they want to do to show that I AM loyal. I swear, every time I see I have a new Skype notification I refresh the blog to see if it is the results... and no luck.  Yet. Okay the people in the Atomic VL really need to stop so I will stop getting notifications, LOL. HARDLY ANYONE talks in this game right before results so I just have to deal with my anxiety over the results right here in my confessional. I am also searching and I'm mad at myself for remembering to search so late bc I doubt there will be time for me to look right before tribal tomorrow. I think?? That I might be onto something.  At the three broomsticks you can ask for drinks but there was an option to get a room and I'm HOPING that if I do that I will get one of those passes where I get to skedaddle before tribal.  I mean, it makes sense to me but it is probably going to be NOTHING. And it was nothing and I also DID NOT win immunity, grrr.  LOL.  I was actually way off and I can't wait to see what everyone said for everything. OKAY at least I got the one about me being the biggest liar right.

I'm not sure if i'm making moves or if my seeds are planting... but autumn has more social ties in this game than i do right now... and landen is playing a fantastic game from what i can tell. that's dangerous to keep around. i think he has a real shot at winning. and i don't want to be a goat. but every time i have had an agenda i have fought for it, just since merge hit, everyone who has been targeted i didn't care if they went. no agenda, no feisty joanna. but i'm creating an agenda... and i think landen might be my target... sorry b, just i want me to win this thing more than i want you to but... i also think that kevin is doing wonderfully. if i have any chance at this thing, which maybe i don't, landen and kevin both need to go.

I am fine with every touchy subjects answer I got... for the MOST part. Wouldn't bring home to your family? That's fine, I'm loud, aggressive, in your face with my opinions, boldly passionate, etc etc. They had to choose someone and I totally understand why they would pick me for that. Thinks he's running the game, I mean, I think it's obvious I DON'T think that, by how paranoid and messy I was scrambling the last couple votes, but I also know I come off as very pretentious and arrogant with having information, and have been on the right side of every vote, so I understand that people would put that about me. Loudest, DUH! Host favorite and juiciest confessionals I DEFINITELY don't agree with lol, I can be very boring and rambly, and I know yall dont like me TOO much. But Biggest villain... BIGGEST VILLAIN?!?! ARE YOU FOR REAL? ARE YOU FOR REAL, GIRL, ARE WE FOR REAL?? SOMEONE LIED TO HER SEVERAL TIMES. WHERE was the villainous behavior. WHERE WAS IT?!?!? I am one of the ONLY people in this game who has sold almost NOBODY out and who has almost NEVER lied. I sold ONE person out, and that was Ruthie. Who, might I remind you, BETRAYED HUFFLEPUFF before I did that, and NEVER established a 1-on-1 alliance with me, EVER, or even a smaller alliance with me. So it was hardly even a betrayal, especially as I was fighting to SURVIVE sdkfdskf. I played an IDOL for my closest ally, I spiraled as hard as possible to change the votes for every ally who was in serious danger, and I consistently did everything I can to do the right thing in this game instead of being a cutthroat mastermind like SOME PEOPLE (Jules, Kevin, im looking at you assholes!) AND SOMEHOW IM THE VILLAIN!??! I just... LOL. Girl where? Where am I the villain of the season? I'm definitely no OTTP hero, that's Lily, but as her designated sidekick I should at least be MORM! I mean, come on! As far as Kevin winning immunity and a bunch of other good superlatives, sigh. It's very questionable and makes me sketched the hell out. I wanna push on Jules but I feel like I'm gonna have to just push on Ruthie again, and I'm pretty sure that now that I'm without the idol I'll be going home bc of the stunt I pulled last time, soooo... Yeeeah.  That's that. I'll definitely push what I can tmrw tho, but for the most part I'm just gonna focus on school and my new cat collecting game, the game has been rly cute though so far and hopefully I find some way to stay.

look at me... number crunching like i can do math

I'm pretty sure that if Dan knew I just told Landen and Lily about the power he sent me- the anonymous note thing- he would break into hogwarts to yell at me.  I told them merely to establish a trust with them again because staying tight with them may be my only shot to actually make it to the end.

I'm so furious Kevin won immunity, because I had the perfect shot to go for him. I'm so angry. I'm so UPSET. I'm like.... WHEW i'm mad. It's so exhausting feeling like you're on the bottom every, single, round, no matter what happens, no matter how much you do to prove your loyalty and try to find an in with people, all it does is continually push you down even worse. I get ignored all day then I get called pushy and paranoid for asking why it's happening and trying to come up with a plan, then to make it worse I get labelled as "Villain of the Season". Like.... wtf? I guess I'm a villain for daring to try and survive and protect Lily, that makes me soooo evil and such a big bad, I guess I'm a villain for selling out Ruthie who never ever made an alliance with me and turned on me first, I guess I'm a villain for turning on Kevin after he consistently lies to me all day and plays the middle just to put me on the bottom, like, that's not a real ally. A real ally does whatever they can to do what is in the best interest of themselves AND their ally. They consider what's good for eachother. Kevin and others have proven to me at basically every single turn that they just consider me an extra vote, and, let's make this clear, an extra vote they don't even like. They use me because they know I'm a loyal player, and when they backstab me they get angry that I retaliate and do what I can to further my own position. It's just like extremely mind boggling and these are the type of mind games that wear me out so much because this game just psychologically is like brutal. It wears me down a lot and I'm just trying to keep a clear head about all this and find some way to stay afloat in the game and keep bearing a smile but it's honestly really really hard and at this point I don't know how much energy I have left to keep giving every tribal 150% at the last 30 minutes just to barely survive. Especially without an idol, like i'm just.. sigh. It's a lot but I'm going to keep giving it everything i have, because if there's one thing I don't know how to do, it's give up or lay down, even when all signs point to just settling and being quiet. It's not in my blood and I gotta play this game like me even if it makes me lose. A win is not worth compromising myself for, I'll never feel good about a victory that I feel like I abandoned myself to earn. 

And here we are at a stand still again. I feel like I’m in one of those old westerns but I’m out there with my gun in my holster ready to go and everybody else is at the saloon. Tumbleweeds go by and I’m like hello? Anybody there? Anyway... Landen is losing it. I’m here trying to keep hope and keeping my fingers crossed that my chills vibes get through on this holiday. So the past two tribals, despite being some of the most stressful of my whole life, have gone my way somehow. And I don’t think I’m appearing as too big of a threat at this point but what am I kidding I got votes last time. I have two alliances going which is more than I usually have. I continue to have the desire to stay hufflepuff strong despite voting for ruthie on the last vote. I also have an alliance with landen, Joanna, autumn, and chips. It’s an interesting group to say the least and I can’t say I fully trust the group. Autumn came forward as voting for dan at the last one and while I appreciate the honesty it does continue to make me weary of Autumn. I also think Dan was the one to start a vote on me and he may have been getting some traction on it but it fizzled. I hope that someone else doesn’t start to catch on to how suave I am and vote me out. I’d like to at least make it to my lucky 7 spot at this point!   This vote I think the best outcome would be Jules going. I have the least amount of strategic conversation with her so that would be ideal at this point. If it’s ruthie...I don’t want to vote her but I can’t risk getting myself voted out defending her. Shout out to you Ruthie. Best of luck. And we will see if anyone comes out of the saloon anytime soon...

can't believe the entire old hufflepuff tribe (minus Max) is back in an alliance together again.  I can't trust any of them as far as I can throw them but I love it. In other news, someone started a rumor that Chips told me to vote for Jules?? and he DID NOT.  But he is also not talking to me right now anymore.  I don't want to vote Jules, I am NOT voting Jules.  Jules also said she is not voting me but idk that I can trust it or not.  NO ONE is talking game right now besides me, Kevin, Lily and Landen.  Chips was talking to me earlier and so were Juls and Jules but none of them really knew a name and this is just a MESS.   I'm just trying not to get into any drama because I'm already branded as the biggest liar on the tribe when there are some people around here that have lied A LOT more than I have!! US TALKING GAME AND LILY RANDOMLY POPPING IN AFTER BEING MIA FOR AWHILE IN WITH- HAHAHAHAH okay edited, I cannot say what she said but I AM DEAD.. it includes the party emoji. I AM DEAD LOL, oh my god. I can't stop laughing. ANYWAY. So, Autumn says that the vote was Jules and now it is Chips??  SO BOTH SIDES ARE VOTING THE SAME? I'm so shook right now but this is good news!  I feel bad because Chips and I DID have a really good conversation today but if he was the one that just stirred all this shit up he needs to go.  I need a moment of peace! 

well. people be lyin to me. so. anyways. im tired. THESE PPL BE DOIN!!!!! THE MOST!!!!

i’m betraying the alliance i came into merge with while trying to keep it together. how does one convince someone to vote with them while pretending they don’t know anything? 

TOO MUCH INFO TOO LITTLE TIME ILL DO ANOTHER ONE AFTER TRIBAL

Tribal has been wild this round. Kevin won the challenge so he's immune. The new alliance I'm in wants to vote Jules because they are a powerhouse in all three categories - social, strategic, and challenges. Anyway, I told Jules I would tell them if I ever heard their name. I wanted to stick to that so I told them. I guess that was a mistake because they asked who from and I was already told they were working closely with Kevin so I just said Kevin. And then really shook them and I think they were shocked because Kevin is their final 2 (most likely) - anyway I didn't know what to say when they asked "From him?" because he never talks game with me. EVER. Luckily I got busy with life so I didn't have to respond... when I get back to my computer though apparently Jules has started asking why their name is being said to Landen and Lily and a conversation that I have had with Ruthie makes them suspicious that I am also telling Ruthie so the "loose lips sink ships" comes into play. Anyway, I definitely didn't actually say anything to Ruthie at all so I put that fire out. Then I try to tiptoe around the fact that I told Jules and Landen comes to the conclusion that Ruthie MUST be close with them if Jules knows because Juls might have talked to Ruthie about the vote. In the meantime our alliance comes up with a plan to throw me under the bus to Jules as well as for me to do the opposite to either Ruthie or Landen. For fear of an idol. All this drama happens and then I have to tell Jules that Kevin didn't say it and that someone else told me that Kevin had said it and they ask who... and then follow it up by telling me that Landen has been throwing me under the bus saying I'm lying and that they need to vote me. I guess our plan has started. I let Jules know that it was Landen who wanted to vote them. And then Jules comes to the conclusion that Landen is the common factor in these stories and asks if I want to vote for him. I agree because he has been trying to have me murdered and voted out all while at the same time planning to vote for Jules anyway. This plan is so eccentric and weird and nothing like I have ever done on Survivor. I felt so bad when I didn't tell Jules that they were being targeted for the vote but did not want to open this can of worms. Kind of hoping I get blindsided so I don't have to live with the guilt. But then also sort of hoping it works just because it is such a cool and fun thing we have done.

[placetobenation]

It was almost 16 years ago to the day that the wrestling world bore witness to the inaugural, the historic, the very first ever… Lingerie Pillow Fight.

Oh yes.

And what a Lingerie Pillow Fight it was. Strap yourselves in.

To set the scene, it was the brainchild of brand new Raw General Manager Eric Bischoff, fresh off handing the World Heavyweight Title to Triple H and wanting to continue making good life choices. So that’s… that’s pretty much it. He makes the match. So here we are. Milwaukee, Wisconsin. Monday Night Raw. September 2nd, in the Year of Our Lord 2002. Stacy Keibler vs. Terri Runnels in the first ever Lingerie Pillow Fight.

Oh by the way, I should mention that Stacy Keibler is actually the heel. I know I always forget because she gets pops either way. Anyway, in the ring we have a single bed, carpet, stuffed animals, and of course a bunch of pillows. There’s even a darn bedside table with an alarm clock on it. Thus the field of battle is set.

So, this. First of all, WWE Hall of Famer and known problematic Jerry “The King” Lawler is refereeing this match with his crown in one hand and a live mic in the other, I guess doubling as the emcee as he makes comments from inside the ring. To be honest I’m just glad both of his hands are where I can see them.

He announces Stacy as “The Greatest Legs in World Wrestling Entertainment”. He doesn’t specify so to be clear, the rest of her body did make the journey as well. Terri, on the other hand, is “vivacious and luscious”, so he’s being an equal opportunity Jerry Lawler today.

But hold that thought, because while Terri is making her entrance Stacy is getting to work on him already, trying to curry favour with the referee. She pushes him onto the bed and teases him, even spreads his legs, until Terri comes in, grabs a teddy bear, whacks Stacy and she falls and headbutts King right in the dick.

Terri picks her up to do it again and King squeals, “No no no!” Then he thinks about it for a second and goes, “What am I saying? Yes yes yes!” So I guess he outed himself as a masochist who likes getting hit in the junk.

Alas, Terri does not indulge his fetish and her and Stacy begin brawling around the ring instead. At some point, King remembers that he’s the referee and rings the damn bell. We are underway. They grab the pillows and start banging on with them and let me tell you, they were swinging for the fences because both girls were shoot selling some of these pillow shots.

Terri spanks Stacy. I leave that without comment. (Except to ask, seriously, what do you guys get out of this?? Does this really do it for you?? I do not understand het culture at all.)

ANYWAY it gets far more interesting when Stacy reverses a sunset flip, ends up on top and then tries to SMOTHER TERRI TO DEATH WITH A STUFFED ANIMAL. King was in the middle of asking “Should I count?” when she does this, and he does not count, so apparently this referee draws the line at attempted murder.

Stacy gives up on asphyxiation as a strategy and goes outside to look under the ring for… something. We’ll never know what it was because she tried two sides of the ring, couldn’t find it and… just gave up and went back inside. I was HOWLING at this.

Meanwhile, Jerry Lawler is making his (first) offer of mouth to mouth resusciation to Terri, then gives her some sage wrestling advice: “Here, use your monkey on her!”

HOWLING.

I stopped howling pretty darn quick when Stacy came back in and TRIED TO KILL TERRI AGAIN. For those counting along at home we’re 50 seconds in and this is the second attempted murder of the match. She gave her this stupid, reckless bodyslam right on the edge of the bed that had Terri whiplashing off and landing on her head. Stacy is in full on “If she dies, she dies” mode here.

The King, helpfully, offers Terri mouth to mouth again, while behind his back Stacy Keibler has taken a pillow and is stuffing the giant alarm clock inside.

STACY KEIBLER IS LOADING THE PILLOW!

She is going old school as EFF right now, and single-handedly turning this into the first ever No Holds Barred Lingerie Ultraviolent Pillow Fight Death Match.

Terri is now standing on the bed in an attempt to get away from The King, who is still trying to sell CPR to a perfectly conscious person – that’s not quite the protocol as I learned it in First Aid my dude. So as Terri is up there Stacy comes to take a swing at her with THE LOADED PILLOW but Terri leapfrogs it, bounces off the bed and LAUNCHES into THE MOST BRUTAL MISSILE DROPKICK IN WRESTLING HISTORY. She got so much momentum coming off the mattress, like a trampoline effect, that she absolutely FLEW off and damn near decapitated Stacy.

Let’s take a look at the scoreboard shall we?

Match time: 1:08 Attempted Murders: 3

Naturally Terri follows up a homicide attempt with… a sexy Bronco Buster, and Referee Jerry Lawler goes in the corner to break them up and tells them he’ll count to… 20 minutes.

LOLLERSKATES!

Terri follows up the sexy Bronco Buster with the sexy Mickie James-style huricanrana out of the corner (and they’re both barely wearing anything so you can just imagine…) but she goes for this ‘rana and Stacy damn Keibler CATCHES HER IN MID AIR LIKE SHE’S JOHN FLIPPIN’ CENA.

This match is bonkers.

Stacy not only catches her but holds on and carries her around, and WWE Hall of Famer Jerry “The King” Lawler takes this opportunity to, deadset, GET DOWN ON ALL FOURS AND LOOK UP STACY’S SKIRT. I mean… fair dinkum. Stacy can’t see him doing this because she’s dealing with Terri’s vagina in her face, so she trips over him and falls onto the bed, with Terri landing on top in a pinning position, and The King, to his eternal credit, only stops to stare at Stacy’s arsehole for like two whole seconds before counting the pin.

Terri wins. Well, let’s be honest. Terri survives.

But wait! There’s more!

Stacy is super pissed about losing the greatest match of all time (and wouldn’t you be!) so she picks up THE LOADED PILLOW and absolutely WALLOPS Terri right in the back of the head for attempted murder #4.

WWE Hall of Famer Jerry “The King” Lawler:

“I think she clocked Terri!”

This. Is. The. Best. Match. Ever.

And it still isn’t over because Stacy goes searching under the ring again and FINALLY finds what she’s been looking for. Which is… a bucket? She dumps the contents on Terri, and at first you think it might be sewage or something along those lines, but then Stacy rips open a pillow and beats her with it until she’s covered in pillow feathers and you realise that Terri has been TARRED AND FEATHERED!

HOW MOTHER EFFIN’ OLD SCHOOL HEEL IS STACY KEIBLER?!

Shades of Memphis! Shades of Mid-South! Shades of Jerry “The King” Lawler! That very same King is here with us today, and he does all he can to help Terri in this humiliating moment by… grabbing her tit once. Just once.

The end.

I give this match A BILLION STARS.

If you can’t have fun with this complete and utter nonsense I don’t know what to tell you. This is the most confirmed hoot to have ever hooted or been confirmed.

What knocked me out is that I never even knew it existed. Even I think the pillow fight nonsense is super lame. Subsequent pillow fights are legit some of the worst matches of all time. I never imagined in my wildest dreams that a lingerie pillow fight could do this. But I have almost never laughed so hard through a match. I’ve watched it dozens of times since I first saw it a little over a year ago, and I’ve been positively gagging for a chance to talk about it in public ever since then. Today is the day.

I called it a ****1/4 match to intrigue you all enough to click on my shit, but honest to God, I stand by it. In fact, ****1/4 is way too low. A billion is too low! I give it a billion and three quarter stars.

Now, there is one more thing.

When I went through the match I talked a lot about the attempted murders therein, and obviously I’m joking when I say this, exaggerating (slightly) to make a point about how insane and dangerous looking some of these spots and these bumps are. Obviously, nobody was killed in this match… except for the fact that Terri Runnels was actually, legitimately almost killed in this match.

I am 100% fair dinkum right now, because this comes straight from Terri. She thought she was going to die.

See, when Stacy tarred and feathered her after the match Terri forgot to close her mouth when Stacy poured the “syrup” all over her, and it went down her throat. Then the feathers came, she inhaled a bunch of feathers and they got stuck in her throat too and she couldn’t breathe, she couldn’t even tell The King that she couldn’t breathe or communicate her panic, so she was lying there legitimately terrified that she was about to die on live television in her underwear choking on syrup and feathers.

Guys. If this isn’t a perfect metaphor for women in the Divas Era, I don’t know what is.

Here they are having this ridiculous, preposterous, two minute gift basket of bullshit (an actual pillow fight for God sakes!) with a man literally leering over them trying to sexually assault them the entire time. Just utter exploitative nonsense, and at the same time it was so stupid that someone still nearly DIED from it.

And yet despite all of that, I still absolutely loved it as a wrestling match and what stuck with me the most were the brutal moves and old school heel tricks the women were doing within it (or perhaps, in spite of it). So yeah, it pretty much IS the Divas summed up in a two minute nutshell.

When I first saw this match I had already watched over two years’ worth of footage by that point, knowing I wanted to do *something* with it when I was done, but not really sure what. I think it was after I hit replay for like the tenth time in a row that day that I said to myself “I HAVE to tell people about this!” And suddenly I saw what it was, what ultimately became this Divas Deep Dive series. These are the kinds of stories that I just *CAN* *NOT* *WAIT* to share with you all every week. I have to tell people about this stuff.

This match is what this whole project has been about for me – finding good wrestling, and great wrestling, and even just fun wrestling, and finding it in the places you’d least expect. I definitely did NOT expect this, at all. And now it’s my favourite thing in the world.

Stay tuned for more nonsense next week as I write about… something. I’m not sure what yet, I looked under two sides of the ring for an idea and then just gave up. But I’m sure I’ll find it.

Check it out: Stacy Keibler vs. Terri Runnels – Lingerie Pillow Fight (Raw, September 2nd 2002)