#not to be a downer and please. ignore me just letting out my sadness. (at its core i dont believe it mysellf)

[popppyfur]

ahhhh it's a different kind of pain to think about the future of the cartoon series. I feel like the mainline movies are set to having more content (fun fair surprise as an example) but I dont think no one knows for sure if the same could be said about the shows, not to mention if they'd make drastic pivots that might change the foundation tbgo and tpia set up as a whole. it's making my heart hurt to think about the possibility of the characters they introduced in trollstopia never making an appearance again 😭

[shotorozu]

hello!! i hope you’re doing well and taking care of yourself ❤️ please remember to take breaks and drink some water !!!!

i was wondering if i could request headcanons for izuku, denki, and kirishima comforting a reader (gender neutral if you don’t mind) after their birthday absolutely sucked? it’s my birthday and my mom went out of her way to ruin it, my best friend is barely talking to me which idk why, i got my period which makes me sick, and it’s finals so i’ve spent the day crying, sleeping, and studying. if not i completely get it!!!! don’t feel pressured ❤️

s/o’s ruined birthday

character(s) : midoriya izuku, kaminari denki, kirishima eijirou (bnha)

legend : [Y/N = your name] they/them pronouns used; gender neutral, quirk not mentioned

headcanon type : comfort, (angst if you squint) fluff (x reader)

warning(s) : reader’s mom being mean, and waking up to cause unnecessary chaos just because she felt like it :( period mention in izuku’s but it’s not,, even descriptive. and it’s i one bullet don’t worry :))

note(s) : omg i relate to you so much anon, my past birthdays got ruined by mom just because she woke up on the wrong side of the bed 💀 and this year i got my period the day before my birthday— so i was cramping the entire time 😐 in short, i relate to you ‼️and i’m sorry your birthday got ruined :( i hope this helps

im also sorry for the delay :,) also no proofread 🧍‍♀️

➽───────────────❥

midoriya izuku

help omg he’s in a state of panic

HE DOESN’T KNOW HOW THIS HAPPENED— like,, the person that cares about your birthday the most (besides you) is him‼️

izuku must’ve planned things out precisely, even going to the point that he’d buy your birthday present 2 months ahead

because he’s just so worried about messing things up. he’d never live it down if he failed this one day

he walks excitingly to your room, ready to pick you up for the day— since he wanted to take you out on a birthday lunch, to celebrate the day

well, it was mostly for a birthday lunch, but also because he wanted you to feel better

you’ve told him that the day had started out on a wrong foot— since you woke up to your best friend ignoring you for a reason you couldn’t figure out.

you reassured him that you’d find out later, but regardless, you wanted to cheer up— and not waste this day on sadness, and have a nice lunch with izuku.

“today is going to be wonderful, i claim it!” izuku exclaims excitingly, gently squeezing your hand— and you can’t help but be uplifted by his words

temporarily

you felt a weird feeling in your stomach, and it was all familiar too, the cramping in your abdomen—

oh, it was that. and izuku was able to recognize what it was. way to start of this birthday experience, right?

the both of you guys end up dashing to the nearest washroom, taking care of it immediately— there’s a concerned look on his face

“are you okay? are you in any pain?” he’d ask, running the back of his hand along your cheek in an attempt to comfort you

“i’m fine, izuku, it’s all good. now, let’s go!” you’d beam in excitement, which started a chain reaction— and lightened up izuku’s mood.

the discussion was put to rest on that, and the two of you went on like normal— as the both of you headed to the designated restaurant

there would only be more misfortunate events to happen, as it appeared to be that the moment you and izuku stepped in the restaurant

the waitress that was serving you both had an interest in your boyfriend, even though you were RIGHT there to see all of it

and oh wow, it was so subtle— you wouldn’t have guessed from the airy laughs, her lingering gazes, and the way her hand would touch his shoulder

and also the way she’d get your order wrong, or she’d spill your drink on you as an ‘accident’

oh and your boyfriend definitely knew about what she felt, and he was not pleased

she even went as far as to ask him if the date was boring, and if the complementary cake would make up for it— her efforts on being subtle making quite the jump.

which made you super frustrated and just overall,, not good, on your own birthday— and even izuku could see that, despite you not saying a word

so, izuku quickly paid for the food, and the both of you guys bailed the restaurant swiftly

it was still pretty early in the day, but all you wanted to do was sleep, and forget that today was even supposed to be a special day.

he left you alone in your room for you to change into comfier clothes— to your requests, and when he came back, you were in a state of distraught

and he’s super bothered, brows furrowed and everything. why must you be sad on your own birthday? how did this all go wrong? and how can he fix this?

“please don’t cry, Y/N, i’m so, so sorry.” he apologizes, his hands rubbing your back as tears dripped into your pillow

“i don’t,, know how this happened! if i knew the staff there were like,, that, i would’ve not picked that place. today was supposed to be an amazing day for you but..”

“don’t apologize izuku,” you reassured, rubbing the incoming tears away, “none of this was your fault, i love your efforts! this,, just sucks.”

“i know sweetie, i’m sorry for that,” he rubs your stomach when your face scrunches up in pain, “you know what? i’ll be right back!”

he quickly leaves for a bit, only to come back with a selection of desserts, your gift and his laptop “we can watch disney movies! or well,, anything you want. i know that disney movies make you feel better!”

you stare at the selection of desserts, and you finally smile, “yeah, yeah. that doesn’t sound bad.”

he sighs in relief, and presents you your birthday gift “open this while i set things up!”

you stare eyes wide at the bundle of desserts, “thank you, izuku!”

“anything for you, lovely.” he presses his lips onto the temples of your cheeks— happy to see you smiling

oh and he definitely filed a complaint to that restaurant when you weren’t looking, the girl got fired :))

kaminari denki

also in a state of panic

his plan for the day wasn’t very descriptive, and he decided that he was just going to go off what he wanted to do

rather than what izuku did— which was planning in advance.

‘i’m just gonna go off what i want, no plans made!’ is what he told himself in his head, as he went straight for your room

he’s puzzled when he enters your room, and sees a not-so-happy Y/N, face contorted in dismay

“is,, something on your mind? it’s Y/N day! why do you look so,,”

“sad?” you finish his sentence, “ah, no!” you shake your head— dismissing your expression just now “it’s just that,, my best friend is ignoring me. i don’t know why though, and she won’t tell me.”

and he’s like 😃❓what kind of friend ignores someone on their birthday? he’s gonna find out later, for sure!

“don’t worry, babe! we can always find out later, right? today should be filled with happiness, right?” he jabs your abdomen, tickling you— effectively earning a giggle

“right,” you smile, because denki always knows how to make you feel better. “let’s go!” you exclaim, holding his hand as you leave your room.

yes i’m reusing the best friend ignoring you think im sorry i can’t think

so kaminari’s walking you to the place he figured would be a great place to celebrate your birthday at— for once, he doesn’t look that lost

“are you sure you know where you’re going?” you’d tease, which would cause him to intensively reassure you that he does

“of course i do!” he says proudly, “i’m just gonna do my thing, y’know? i’m in charge of the destinations”

and before you know it, the both of you guys run into someone you weren’t expecting.

your bestie 🤩 oh the luck you genuinely have.

they scowl just looking at you, and denki didn’t like it— like,, the nerve? ignoring you and then giving you the skank eye?

but still, denki tried to keep a conversation, “didn’t expect to see you here! how are you?” he stammers, trying his best to make the tense atmosphere disappate

“i’m doing good, denki!” they exclaim excitingly, almost as if you weren’t there “where’re you heading off to?”

denki tilts his head in surprise, “y’know,, just heading off to celebrate lovely Y/N’s birthday, of course!” you give denki a small, tight lipped smile

but your best friend doesn’t seem to budge, “who?” they reply, as if they don’t see you

it’s disheartening, honestly. disagreement are inevitable but,, you didn’t understand nor did he

denki’s even more confused, but decides to cut the conversation of it’s length, thinking that the misfortunes could just end at that

they didn’t stop there

you’ve also managed to run into your mother outside of the restaurant, when you were taking a quick phone call

she, normally— would’ve been very pleased to see you, let alone on this special day

but it appeared to be that she wasn’t happy at all, and in fact— showed that very well when she saw who you were with

her eyes narrowing, “this is who you decided to spend your birthday with?” she asks, a smile is plastered on her lips, but it lacks authenticity when she glances back into the restaurant

you nod, feeling a little too intimidated to even speak with the mood she’s in— she glances at your boyfriend, who’s oblivious to your encounter with your mother

“keep your mouth in check, child. make sure you don’t do anything to embarrass yourself even more.” and with that, she leaves— her words lingering in your mind

you enter the restaurant again, feeling 10x shittier than you were when you left to take that quick phone call

you’re aware that your mother would support any relationship you were in, but you could tell that she didn’t like denki— but accepted him because ‘whatever makes you happy’

it was a downer, you didn’t need this today— and your sudden mood change was bound to get noticed by your boyfriend

“what happened?” he asks with concern, “did bakugou rain on your parade?” he asks, and you would’ve laughed but,, you honestly couldn’t find yourself to

“oh, it’s just..” you struggle to find yourself finishing your sentence, when the employees of the restaurant start singing you a happy birthday

you’d hate to say it but,, your mood was like that for the entire date, even when you brushed it off like nothing— and acted as if nothing went wrong

and when you flop onto your bed, eyes welling up in tears— he panics

“oh no, no, no!” he panics, dropping down to comfort you “baby what’s wrong? did you not enjoy today?”

“denki, i enjoyed today, of course.” you state, hands wandering up to pet his blond hair

“but then, why,, are you crying right now? i don’t want you to feel sad today! i know i’m not someone that looks serious, but i’ll definitely make things work!” he states with determination, and denki finds relief when he hears you laugh

“i saw my mom today”

“oh,” his brows furrowed, “i’m sorry, sweets. did she say anything rude?”

“oh uhm, im not sure if she meant it but it did hurt my feelings,” you simply state, not wanting to give the specifics, “plus with the best friend thing,,”

he’s silent for a bit, before he speaks “you know what? it’s okay. it’ll be okay. your best friend- not sure why she’s like that, but she’ll come around. and with your mom? don’t worry, and don’t let it worry you! it’s your special day, and you will feel special.”

denki backs away, and before you knew it, sparks radiate from all around his body— making sure he doesn’t touch you at all

“yaaaay!” he’s drowsy, and he dumbly raises his thumb high— which makes you burst out into giggles and pure laughter

“denkii, you cannot keep doing this!” you exclaim, but you still laugh when he replies with the same comedic ‘yaaay!’

you finally calm down, and you lean to press a kiss onto his lips, “thank you, denki. i,, really appreciate your efforts.”

he might feel stupid at the moment, but he’s glad that you’re happy again.

kirishima eijirou

looks like his usual self, but he’s internally panicking— he just figured that he needed to get himself together, for you

he had an idea on what he was going to do for you on your birthday, he even prepared a gift for you— 3 weeks in advanced (with the help of bakugou, his secret wingman)

it wasn’t an impromptu celebration like kaminari, but it also wasn’t super planned out like midoriya

eager, he approaches your room to give you a simple happy birthday— followed by a small shower of kisses

there was only one class for that day, so the rest of the day would’ve been lenient, right? wrong

on the contrary, his plans are disrupted when he sees you scrambled on the floor, notebooks splayed across you, as you memorized various things all at once

“h-hey, happy birthday!” he greets with his usual smile, and it falters slightly when you don’t showcase that delightful smile

“hey eijirou,” you say, eyes glued onto a section of your notebook “apparently, two extra topics were added into the math and physics finals test! and i had no clue!”

eijirou probably should be worried like you, since the written finals exams does somewhat impact his grade— and on top of that, the finals are in 3 days

and he knows that he should let you prepare BUT! it is your birthday,, why should he not celebrate your birthday?

“i feel like you shouldn’t be too worried about it babe, it’s your birthday after all!” he reassures, but he continues before you get to question him “you’re a hard working person, and even if you don’t absorb those extra topics— you could always run to bakugou, or yaoyorozu for a quick run down!”

he’s not wrong

you give a tired smile, a genuine one— which makes him silently cheer out of success “thank you, eijirou. i guess you’re right. it is my birthday, and i should be celebrating.”

and with that, eijirou takes you out for a simple celebration! he’d take you out for some food at a good restaurant, and then he’d take you out on a nice walk— as the both of you ate your dessert

he thinks that the celebration is going smoothly, despite the fact that you seemed fatigued, restless even— just from studying four extra topics back and fourth

otherwise— you seemed happy, eagerly blowing out the candles on the birthday cake the restaurant presented to you, and even grasping his arm closer as you ate your dessert

but it all crumbled down when you got one simple call that afternoon

looking at the caller’s id, it was your mother— who, otherwise would’ve been happy or at least calm on the other side of that phone, but you were greeted with hostility

“what are you doing?” she chides with a brash tone, and you try not to shiver, and when you answered that you were out celebrating with eijirou, she wasn’t pleased

“what?! just because it’s your damn birthday, doesn’t mean you get to relax around, kay? exams are this week! and you’re aware of what’s going to happen if you don’t pass, right?” though she’s not physically there, you can feel her sudden criticism

“..yes, mom.” you decide to take it all in, not wanting to anger her

“good.” and with that, she hangs up without a proper goodbye, the only time she acknowledged the current date was when she was scolding you

you brush it off, when you’re asked if you’re okay— the blatant yelling from your phone being difficult to ignore.

while the two of you start heading back to the dorms, you’re informed of quite the terrible news

“class 1-a, i must apologize since this is abrupt, but your math and physics finals are set to a day in advance, due to an urgent faculty meeting. but we can all assume that all of you have studied the material, right? take care, and don’t be out past curfew.”

this pushes your stress levels over the roof, and you ended up running back to the dorms— just to study the unfamiliar material

being your concerned boyfriend, the red head goes to check on you— only to be saddened to see you in such a distraught state on your bed, tears running down your face as you examined the material through watery eyes

“hey, sweetheart, it’s okay.. it’ll be okay,, i’m sorry that you feel this way, especially since i promised you a good day today!” despite displaying a gentle smile, you could sense that he was feeling terrible too

“don’t apologize,” you wipe your eyes, which only continue to generate more tears “i know you’ve tried, really! and i’m sorry that i had to bring you along. you definitely didn’t need to see all of that.”

he sits next to you on your bed, pulling the covers over your legs “i know it’s just,, i wish i could’ve done something more, y’know? i would’ve helped you study but you know that i’m well,, me!”

you giggle at his insinuation, and he moves closer to you, head leaning on your shoulder “man, i wish i knew what was going through the teachers’ heads. i could’ve— oh wait!”

he springs up, as if he suddenly remembered something important, and he sprints to his room

when eijirou comes back, he’s holding a tiny box, that has a bow— placed neatly on the center of the lid

“open it, babe!” he smiles, “i can’t believe i almost forgot! oh— just open your present!”

and when you open it, you’re ecstatic— unsure how to describe the sudden surge of happiness. “eijirou, you bought me a,, promise ring?”

he kisses your cheek briefly, unable to hide the blush adorning his cheeks “yeah,, you don’t have to accept if you’re not into jewelry! i could just switch it out for something—”

“no no, stop kiri!” you stop him in his tracks “i love it, so much. thank you for everything. especially for cheering the stressed and gloomy person i was today.”

he smiles, “it’s no issue, really. if my Y/N’s happy then i’ll be just as happy.”

and with that, you spent the rest of the day in eijirou’s affectionate arms— and you passed the exams with flying colors because kiri managed to get bakugou to give you a quick run through the day before

likes and reblogs are appreciated, thanks for reading!

i do not own bnha/mha and it’s characters. boku no hero academia/my hero academia belongs to horikoshi kohei, i only own the writing and i do not profit off of my hobby

do not plagiarize, reupload, translate, or use my works for audio readings without permission

[kashimos-hajime]

the girl in purple (1/8) | r.b.

summary: In his mind, you’re wearing the white blouse and long purple skirt again, long riding boots covering dark pants, innocent smile on your face as you wait for him in the noon sunlight. Or, four years ago, Bertholdt asked for a favour and you said yes.

WARNINGS: swearing, ass jokes, flashbacks and flashforwards, mostly fluff and banter, pining and angst at the end, bertholdt is our soft best friend <3 pairing: reiner braun x fem!reader word count: 5.0k

a/n: pt 1 of 8 of a birthday present for the legend, the icon, the bad bitch herself, ISABEL!!@!@!@ @luciilferss​ ALSO, song not mine! it’s the sea shanty called wellerman.

masterlist

crossposted on ao3 x

You sigh, wiping the back of your hand before grabbing the next hay bale that needed to be lifted to the loft. Your back aching, you grit your teeth as you lug it towards the ladder. It’s the last one and after a sweaty afternoon, you just want to get into bed. Hopefully Annie did end up getting you supper—you had to work through it just so Shadis didn’t get your ass up tomorrow to finish the job.

“Here, let me help.”

“Oh, thank you,” you reply, glancing to see your savior and a warmth shoots through your body when you realize it’s Bertholdt. “You know if Shadis catches you helping me, it’s going to be hell to pay, right?” The boy smiles, shrugging, and you can’t help your own grin as he gestures for you to climb up. Skirting up the ladder, you turn around to take the hay bale and pushing it towards the corner before jumping down and dusting off your hands. Stable clean-up is never fun, but with autumn right around the corner, they all want to get a head start before the chill sets in.

“I wanted to ask you a favour.”

“I knew there had to be a reason you were in here,” you tease. “Shoot.”

“Well, we have visiting privileges next weekend,” Bertholdt continues as you walk around the stables, picking up tools as you make your way towards where the broom is leaning against the wall. The tall boy ambles after you and you shoot him an amused look, curiosity pricking at your fingers. 

Half-way through their training in the corps, and Bertholdt still manages to keep you guessing. You don’t know what it is about him, but your friend’s always been the quiet one. It’s part of why you like being around him, but you just wish his friend liked you. Annie seems more than fine with you.

Reiner, on the other hand, can barely even look at you. It’s a real downer.

“I was just wondering…”

“You should ask Annie,” you cut off before he can finish, picking up the broom to begin sweeping the stray hay into a neat pile. Bertholdt’s spine goes ramrod straight and his cheeks redden so intensely you can’t help but laugh. “I’m pretty sure she would say yes. You guys are friends, right?”

“Yes, but we’re—we’re not—why would I ask Annie, specifically?” he stammers. The horses neigh as you walk past, their necks stretching out for treats but you ignore them, heading for the entrance. “She could go with a bunch of other people.”

“Yeah, but she always goes with me.” Glancing at Bertholdt, your eyes narrow when he smacks his forehead, covering his flustered expression miserably. Poking him in the gut with the handle of your broom, you continue, “And she only likes a few people here. You’re one of them, Bertl.” 

“Well, if you think so. I mean, you’re her dorm mate, not me, so… argh!” he groans as you walk past him, sweeping. “You’re not helping!”

“Helping with what?” you ask innocently, not paying him a second look. You hear him let out a sigh as you brush hay to the back of the stables. “You’re the one who wanted a favour.”

“Yeah, and I still need to tell you.”

“Literally no one’s stopping you, Bertholdt.” Another resigned sigh. “Okay. Okay. Ask me. I promise I won’t tease you for the next ten minutes.” Turning around, you rest your broom against the post between two stalls. A horse nudges at your face and you scratch the stallion’s chin as Bertholdt walks closer. His eyes inspect your own expression, searching for trickery, but you only grin.

Then, he drops his crossed arms and says, “Someone wants to ask you out next weekend for our visit to Trost.”

“Er, okay? Why didn’t they just ask me themselves?” Crossing your own arms, you lean against the post, the lantern hanging above your head and casting everything in a warm glow. It softens Bertholdt’s smile as he shrugs mischievously. “Who was it?”

“Reiner.”

“Reiner?” His name is punched out of you, sharp with shock, and your broom slides off the post, clattering to the floor between the two cadets as you stare at Bertholdt. 

“Mhm?”

“Reiner Braun.”

“Yep.”

“We know the same one, don’t we?”

“Blond, makes ass jokes, this tall?” he shoots back, raising a hand that comes just near his ear. You nod. “Yeah.”

“But he hates me.”

“What? No, he doesn’t. Why would you think that?” Bertholdt’s eyebrows knit together and you stare at him incredulously, not sure if he’s joking or not. Shaking your head, you let out a scoff and bend down to pick up your broom to continue your sweeping. Mind a swirl, you try to reconcile the Reiner, who has never said more to you than ‘pass the grease’ during ODM maintenance and ‘you have dirt on your chin’ after forest exercises, with the Reiner who had to ask Bertholdt to ask you out for him.

Sounds fake, but you digress.

“Okay,” you drawl, unable to help the disbelief from creeping into your voice. “This was a good attempt at a joke, but you need to try harder next time.”

“You don’t believe me.”

“Why would I ever believe you?”

“Because I would never li—make something up like that,” he says, correcting himself, and you send him a strange look. “Just… when we get to Trost, you know that bakery that sells the stuffed cream buns. The one you mentioned before?”

“Yeah. Annie likes them,” you inform him pointedly, and Bertholdt’s mouth drops open to argue but he seems to think better of it this time.

“Yes, that one.” Fighting a furious blush on his cheeks, he continues, “If you’re there at noon, you’ll see I’m not lying.”

“And if I’m not there?”

“Reiner will be very sad for the rest of his life,” Bertholdt declares and you can’t help your serious expression from sliding off. “Will you please just consider it?”

Staring at your friend, you study his expression. It’s completely genuine, open, eyes wide and you feel a part of you melting at how adorable he is. For such a tall guy, he’s so goddamn gentle it blows your mind he’s a fighter. You can’t see him hurting even so much as a fly.

It’s for that reason you relent. Because Bertholdt’s never gone out of his way to scheme your downfall. He doesn’t have that in him. “Fine,” you say after a moment. “Fine, I’ll consider it.”

.

When Reiner steps back into the port city, he can’t help but think what he always thinks when he gets off a battlefield. Four years, and every thought is the same. Routine, almost. Or maybe, a habit to keep something alive.

And he almost takes comfort in it. That you would’ve loved it here. In Marley—Liberio, or otherwise. There are so many kinds of sweets, pastries, so many sights to see—the water stretches on for miles and miles, and you could’ve tried seafood. Maybe you would’ve liked it.

You never tried seafood. He promised. He promised—

Fucking hell. 

He steps out of the barracks, insides twisting into a tight knot as the sun blinds him. Lifting a hand, he squints and blinks, trying to get used to the brightness as people pass him by. Galliard’s voice trails after him like a ghost, and he scowls to himself, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes. He feels like he hasn’t slept a wink, and his body aches in places so deep he can’t rub it out.

“I saw you through her memories. You acted like the tough, reliable type. Not at all like yourself. And you were with that girl. Who was she to you, anyway, Reiner? Because my brother would have never cozied up with the enemy.”

Cozied up with the enemy. It’s as much as implying fraternization as anything and Reiner had barely chained back the words that would’ve torn both him and Galliard to shreds.

Don’t you fucking dare reduce her to just some promise I broke ever again. It stopped meaning something to me years ago.

Shaking his head free of Galliard’s voice, an image of you flashes through his mind to replace it and the urge to send a fist into his own face lances down his arm, but he barely restrains himself from doing so. Instead, he tightens his hand until his nails dig into his palm.

You’re always the one thing he can’t shake, nor does he think he wants to. 

Hollow, his feet drag his battered body towards the harbour. 

As he walks along the water, he hear some of the fishermen whistle and sing their shanties. It takes him a moment to recognize they’re all singing the same song, and he’s thrown back to when he came to the port the first time he was to go off to Paradis, how he committed the shanties to memory so he could take something with him to what was supposed to be an Island of Devils.

It makes his entire body ache, the uplifting tune filling his body up until he can’t possibly breathe. The way the sailors all sing together, smiling at each other—the camaraderie.

“Soon may the Wellerman come, to bring us sugar and tea and rum, one day when the toungin’ is done, we’ll take our leave and go…”

He misses that the most.

.

The sun is hanging in the centre of the sky as you glance from your plate to your surroundings. The fountain is full of life, people milling around the edges, tossing coins in and making wishes, and you hide a smile behind your hand when you watch a group of kids trying to flick their coins to the top most basin of the structure. The tiny plink-plink is barely heard, but either way, their groans of disappointment are far more amusing.

It helps pass the time at least, while you waste away your afternoon waiting for someone you’re not even sure will come. Dressed in a white blouse tucked into a long dark purple skirt that covers your pants, you cross one leg over the other as you wait.

You don’t even know why you’re here. Bertholdt had all but avoided your questions for the past week, and Annie didn’t budge, although, it’s harder for the blonde to slip. Being bunkmates helps, but not that much.

You keep people-watching, glancing up at the sky occasionally to see if any birds pass over, your bread untouched. Glancing up and down the street, you rest your chin glumly on the palm of your hand, elbow resting on the table. 

No pretty blond head in sight. 

Groaning, you lift your head when one of the waiters approaches, asking if you wanted anything more. You shake your head, a warmth spreading over your face and watching him go when a shadow falls over your table. 

“Oh, you got something to eat already.” 

Head jerking to the voice, you look up in surprise at whoever’s blocking your sunlight. Standing upright, your chair clatters against cobblestone as you clear your throat.

“You’re actually here,” you blurt out to both of their surprise and Reiner rocks back on his heels, running a hand through his short hair. His eyebrows struggle to meet his hairline and he smiles sheepishly.

“Sorry I’m late. Uh, sit down. I just… got lost.” You sink back into your chair and he takes the seat down across from yours nervously. He’s dressed in a pale green button up and darker slacks, but for once, he’s not scowling at you and you offer a slight smile. “How… how are you?”

“I’m okay. Slow morning.” He nods. You glance at your plate and nudge it towards him awkwardly. “I got it for you. It’s my favourite. I dunno what Bertl told you about me, or… why I’m even here, honestly.”

He picks up the bun tentatively, and you look down at your boots as he takes a bite, too nervous to watch his reaction.

What if he hates sweet things? What if he can’t drink cow milk? Don’t you remember? What if it makes him shit his pants—

“Oh, wow. I need to come to this place more often,” Reiner mumbles, taking another huge bite and your gaze flits to his face as he chews. His eyes are focused solely on the bun in a way that reminds you a lot like Sasha, and the corner of your mouth pulls into a pleased hint of a smile. “This is heaven…”

“You like it?” 

A noise escapes the blond and eyes jerk to meets yours as if he just remembered you were there and you tear your eyes away, clasping your hands together on the table. You close your eyes. Can the embarrassment just swallow you up already?

Reiner clears his throat, taking the cup of water left out for him after a quick point and your nod. He drains it to buy them both time, and your thumbs rub together. If you just walk away now, would it be too bad? You could probably find Annie or Jean pretty easily. Bertholdt’s probably just exploring the city with… if you had to hazard a guess, maybe Armin? They both like the architecture—stuff like that.

Honestly, you have no idea.

Porcelain rests against wood as Reiner nods. “I do. I didn’t know you had a sweet tooth.”

“Er, yeah. Since I was a kid. We didn’t have much, uh, variety, so stuff like this was kinda a delicacy. I grew up at this orphanage where we worked the fields.” You shift in your seat as Reiner continues to eat, and you sigh silently to yourself. Why did you give up an afternoon looking at paint supplies with Jean for an awkward date like this?

Wait, this is a date right? That’s what Bertholdt said. Ask you out. Those were his words, right?

“Where are you from?”

“Just inside Wall Maria, so when Shiganshina was breached, we had more time to move inward,” you explain briefly. “But we mostly ate what we grew for crops. I mean, it’s not like we could buy cream buns every day, you know?” Reiner nodded silently, and you give him an uneasy smile, feeling the need to elaborate. “Ever since we joined the corps, they send me money for birthdays and stuff. I don’t know.” You clear your throat. “Anyway, I just thought you might like the bun.”

“Even though you think I hate you?”

“Wha—“ A strangled noise comes out of your mouth. “Who told you that?”

“Why would you think that, anyway?”

“Because all you do is glare at me,” you say pointedly. Crossing your arms over your chest, you shoot him a narrowed look. “And scowl. And you generally avoid being anywhere near me. I mean, do I stink to you or something, Braun, because I have news for you—“

“I don’t hate you. I actually really like you,” he tells you bluntly, cutting your rant in half, and your eyebrows shoot up in surprise. Reiner looks down at the empty plate, crossing his own arms and leaning forward on them. 

“Y-you like me?” you stammer and his cheeks redden.

“I mean, if Annie likes someone, I’m inclined to believe that they’re worth my time.”

Frowning, your shoulders slump. Gears turning, your expression scrunches up as you think aloud. “But, you asked Bertholdt to ask me out for you. Unless this is a dumb dare—wait.” You sit upright, twisting around to see if any of the other boys are milling around the plaza. Scanning for brown hair, or grey hair, or even blond hair, your cheeks begin to burn at the idea that someone’s watching you embarrass yourself but a hand on your elbow brings your gaze reeling back to Reiner.

A smile curls his lips impishly, but his eyes are resolute, calmer. Even still, he looks like he’s trying to fight a small panic rising up inside him, just like you are as he tells you to relax.

“This isn’t a dare,” he says. “I’m not that cruel.”

“I’ve seen you do worse to Titan dummies.”

“Exactly. I just wanted to get to know you better. Bertholdt offered to help me out since you guys are already friends, and I thought what the hell.”

You turn that explanation over in your head tentatively and a part of you recognizes it makes sense. Despite your hesitation, you know you only said yes because it was Bertholdt who asked you.

Otherwise, how inclined were you to say yes if it had been Reiner stalking up to you and asking you to hang out in Trost? How likely would it have been that you would be sitting here instead of walking along the stalls with Sasha and Connie?

“I’m kinda ashamed I don’t know you that well,” Reiner continues, fighting off tones you can’t decipher laced in his voice. Your brow furrows. “But I want to fix that, if you’d let me.” 

Dazedly, you repeat, “Fix… that?”

He nods and you simply stare at him, trying to get your mouth to work. It’s like he stole all the words from your mouth and time seems to slow as your lips part.

Absently, you realize his hand is still touching your elbow, fingers firm but not tight, and you swallow, studying his expression. Golden light plays on his face, sharpening the shadows of his nose and cheeks and lips, and yet everything about him seems to soften. Normally, you see him as hard rigid lines, like the shape of armour, and there is always an imposing aura around him that has become more muted now that he’s sitting beside you.

And you believe it. That he doesn’t hate you.

Maybe he really, really doesn’t, and you’d be an idiot if you don’t take up the offer.

So you stand up abruptly, and pull your arm out of his grip before slipping your hand into his.

“Fine,” you annouce, pulling him up. His eyes widen and you lead him away from the café with a small grin to yourself. A new plan begins to formulate in your mind as they step into the welcoming sun. Reiner’s long strides catch up to yours and he falls into step beside you. His stare burns into your cheek and you only tighten your grip on his hand as you lift your chin haughtily at him. “What do you say to a game of twenty questions?”

His eyebrows shoot up, but then a smug smile pulls at his mouth and he squeezes your hand back. “Sounds perfect, creampie. I promise, I’ll be perfectly honest.”

“Creampie?” you repeat dumbly, eyebrows shooting up and a horrible burning licking at your heart. Reiner gives you a vulgar smile and you let go of his hand, shaking your head and smacking his arm before looking down at the ground. Half of you wishes the ground would open up and swallow you whole—the other half thinks you’ll die of embarrassment before that. “How do you even know what that is?”

“I could ask you the same thing.”

You straighten up, spine straight as an arrow. Flustered, you stutter, “That’s none of your business.”

He tilts his head back and laughs. “Guess that was your first question, then, huh? Bold start. Surprised me, too, creampie, so that gets you bonus points.”

“What? Wait—no! That doesn’t count!”

.

Walking past the hospital every day, it feels almost ritual to look past the gates and into the courtyard. Sometimes there are patients milling around, doing their daily physical activity, or nurses and other workers walking through to get a break from all the depressing shit that must be going on in there, and Reiner always, always, wonders if he should be in there with the rest of them.

It’s why he turns his head on reflex now, peering through iron-wrought gates. No one’s inside except for a pair walking through the path and he stops for a moment, watching. 

One of them is most definitely a woman, a hat covering her head and a long coat the shade of plums. A white Eldian armband is stark against the shade of her clothes. Meanwhile the other looks like he’s been dragged through hell. With one leg, he hobbles along with his crutch, black hair streaming past his shoulders, and he’s ragged, white shirt kind of messy from where Reiner stands. The Eldian armband is wrapped tight along his bicep. But he stands straight-back, shoulders set, the gait of a soldier. Pride keeps him up, not strength.

He’s too far away to hear them speak, and they stick to the shadows of the hospital, but after a short moment, the woman wraps an arm around the one not desperately holding onto the crutch, leaning in closer towards the man as if he has the most riveting thing to say.

For a moment, it is not a woman in a purple jacket and a veteran with one leg but two cadets walking the streets of Trost, sunlight shining down on them warmly. The blond boy leans to listen to the girl beside him, smiling until he thought his cheeks would fall off.

“This is your last question, Reiner. Make it count.”

“Hm… alright, if you could do anything in the world, anything at all, what would you do? No Titans, no soldiers. Let’s say there was no war at all and you had unlimited resources, yadda, yadda, yadda…”

“Oh? Hm… I’d want to live where there’s a lot of water. Like a lake or something. I’d get to try all these foods I’ve never thought of before, and I’d, uh… I don’t know what I’d do for money. I guess I’d figure it out somehow.”

“Chopping down wood sounds fun.”

“Yeah, right! I’d rather chop my fingers off. Hm… Maybe I could raise some kids, like I was raised. Give them a home.”

“That’s a lot of responsibility.”

“I dunno. I like being responsible for things. It makes me feel like I’m needed, I guess. I don’t want a kid to grow up lonely like I did.”

“That… that sounds nice.”

“You could visit, you know. As long as you chop the firewood.”

Reiner blinks, and the two are gone. Not a hint of them are in sight, and a soft breath slips out between his lips. He must’ve been seeing things.

Shaking his head to himself, he turns away.

.

The past year and a half has been turbulent since you became friends with Reiner, but for some reason, you don’t think you would change the thing. 

Not even when Connie would come at ghastly hours in the morning because “CAN YOU PLEASE TELL REINER TO STOP SNORING? We would but we’re too afraid of being crushed by the weight of his entire body. Thank you! You’re the best, seriously.”

Or when they’re studying and Reiner makes one too many jokes about how he could fuck a Titan, despite Bertholdt’s resigned sighs and you throwing a book at him, and it only gets you, “Keep acting like that and I’ll take a bite out of your juicy ass next, creampie,” and a heat that kisses at your face.

Not even after reclaiming Trost and losing yourself in his arms.

You feel something inside you shatter as the smell of ash tickles at your nose. Walking past the combat medics base they set up for the parameter of the recovery effort, you don’t even look up at any of your friends still left as you walk past. Your entire body burns from the aftermath of Trost, and you wonder if you’ll be able to even get up in the morning as you limp over to a secluded alleyway and lean against the stone.

You don’t know if you’ve ever fought for that long or hard in your life, and you can’t feel your legs anymore as you sink to the floor.

Too many bodies. There are too many bodies.

“Hey.”

Looking up, you pull your mask down when Reiner stands before you. Tearing the fabric off your neck, you draw your knees up and rest your arms on top of them, the mask hanging off your fingers limply. A strange relieving wave washes over you to know he’s still here, even surrounded by so much death.

“Hi,” you murmur. “It’s a lot.”

“Yeah,” he agrees simply, leaning in beside you and sliding down. Their knees knock into one another as he tugs his own mask down. Sweat glistens along his skin and his sleeves are rolled up as he clears his throat. “I’m glad you made it out.”

You smile faintly at him but it flickers out before it can find a place on your face. Looking at your hands, you imagine the rough skin of calluses forming on your palms still and you wish you could rip your gloves off but every part of you is too exhausted to move now. Softly, you tell him, “I’m glad you made it out, too. There are a few of us I haven’t really caught sight of. I know Eren’s squad is dead. I—“ you stop yourself. No way Reiner is interested in the fact that you had taken their deaths in stride because you had to in the moment and now you don’t think you can feel at all— “but… Marco. I haven’t seen him in days. Jean hasn’t seen him either.”

“M-Marco?” Reiner whispers and your eyes lift to look at him. “You haven’t found him yet?” Gaze widening at the colour draining from Reiner’s face, your stomach flips and a dread fills your entire being as you sit upright, your legs sliding down, your arms falling to the ground to prop yourself up. Lungs tightening, your lips part as if to form his name but no sound comes out.

You know what his silence means. His silence is death spelt out in glaring red letters—the same shade as blood. 

But Marco?

Why Marco? A caustic voice screams inside you and your nails dig into the cobblestone as Reiner turns his face away, jaw clenching. Trying to breathe, the air stalls in your throat and your gut clenches as your gaze drifts to the street full of combat medics and doctors, other soldiers who still walk. What—what do you mean Marco isn’t one of them? You want to grab Reiner by the jacket, shake him until he makes sense, but instead you search for freckles behind every mask, stumbling to your feet. Marco never did anything wrong. He was supposed to join the MPs. He was our… our leader. He never did anything wrong.

He never did anything wrong. Never. Never. Not Marco. It can’t be. The thought tumbles through your head as you push yourself to your feet but your knees nearly give in on the first step and you stumble to the other side of the alleyway with a harsh noise. Shoulder crashing into the stone, your eyes squeeze tight and hot tears pour down your face as you clench your teeth, trying to chain back the sob that’s working through your body. Head hanging, your mouth pries open as an ugly moan comes out of you, so deep inside you that you want to crumble.

Days seem to pile onto your shoulders until you think your bones will break and your fingers curl into tight fists as you try to stop the tears from falling, but they keep coming, tracing your nose, pushing everywhere and everything is so hot. Shit, you can’t even breathe—

Hands take your shoulders and you let out a ferocious scream, thrashing yourself out of your grip but fingers only slide to your biceps, pulling you away from the wall as your boots slip against the cobblestone and then hands are on your wrists, pushing away your blind fists.

“Let me go! He’s dead, isn’t he?” you scream as he lets go of you for just a second to wrap his arms around you and you let out a shuddering breath as he crushes you in his embrace. “Reiner! Tell me! Marco’s dead!”

“Yes! Yes, he is!”

His words spear through your skull, sending electricity down your spine and your entire body goes limp as he collapses to his knees, you with him. Your arms at your side, your eyes blink open and you feel fresh tears fall down your face as he cups the back of your head, holding you to him and as something wet seeps into your shoulder, it’s as if you are set on fire.

“I’m so sorry. I’m sorry.”

 On their own accord, your arms come up under his and fingers hook onto his shoulders. Chest to chest, you swear your heart beats in a mournful beat with his, and his entire body collapses against yours. Eyes closing, you press yourself closer, hoping that the heat of his body will chase away the cold that’s rapidly spreading through your body.

Reiner’s arm around your waist tightens. You swallow hard against his shoulder.

“Please forgive me,” he whispers against your neck, wet cheek pressing against your jaw, and your chest stutters as you try to remember how to breathe.

“Reiner…”

You barely breathe his name. It only makes him curl tighter against you.

.

Liberio is colder at night than he remembers. He has to pull the blankets up to his chin, and still, he shivers.

Rolling onto his side, he can nearly imagine you staring back beside him, smiling, hand reaching to touch his face, and his eyes flutter shut when your fingers seem to pass through his cheek.

In his mind, you’re wearing the white blouse and long purple skirt again, long riding boots covering dark pants, innocent smile on your face as you wait for him in the noon sunlight. 

By then, he had known there weren’t any devils on Paradis, but he’d never seen an angel until he saw you cast in gold.

[krreader]

dal | enemies to lovers.

pairing: kim taehyung x idol!reader ; ari x kim namjoon ; miya x jung hoseok fandom: dal ; bts  warnings: big hit girl group member!reader ; sex ; language genre: smut word count: 2k+ other: for more DAL content, please check out the DAL masterlist

summary: you wouldn’t break like your members. not even for a kim taehyung.

a/n: diamond maknae has jk and yoongi, dal will have taehyung and whoever else you decide ehehe. in all seriousness, though, thank you for the request and I hope you wanted the other members to have the whole enemies to lovers thing as well, not just the reader. even though the focus is still the reader, obviously!

Despite you and Bangtan being from the same company and despite you all now having a fantastic relationship... it wasn't always this way.

Every now and again, you'd still joke about why the dynamic between your two groups was so shitty at first, with you four claiming that it was because they were afraid that someone might throw them off their throne, whereas they claim, it was because you girls were way too overconfident.

Whatever it really was in the end, whether that or something else, your groups didn't like each other much. It was a constant battle of who's better. A battle, that you girls had to fight twice as hard due to their already existing fanbase and yours still growing.

Nevertheless, you four held your ground. And that was the first step of gaining BTS' approval.

“They actually work hard, you know?” Hoseok was the first to ever say these words out loud when Bangtan was having dinner one night.

“Mhm, I think we all know why you out of all of us says that, hyung,” Jimin shoved a spoon full of rice in his mouth, munching on it with a smirk while the rest of the boys were left with confused faces. Hoseok just lowered his head until they could see nothing but his forehead.

“No, we don't,” Taehyung said, “Why do we think that?”

“Do you want to confess, hyung? Or do you want to keep this a secret for a little while longer?”

Well, putting him on the spot like that wasn't exactly 'keeping it a secret'. Hoseok didn't say anything, but he did lean back, a little more confidently and raised his eyebrows at Jimin as to say: “Fine. Spill the tea.”

“Hoseokie hyung has been giving... dancing lessons to Miya. Private dancing lessons. If you guys know what I mean.”

And then a round full of “WHAT?!” and “SHUT UP!” and “NO WAY”'s were shouted into the room.

It was bound to happen eventually.

Even Bang PD had said something like: “Listen... I know that your two groups will probably spend a lot of time together and because of your age and your similar interests... things could... escalate. Do whatever you want to do, but I don't want to find out and neither should the rest of the company. Don't get pregnant and don't let anyone ever find out, then what you do is your business,” to Ari and Namjoon at a meeting for both groups one day.

Funny, that he'd say that to the two of them, since they were the ones that fucked each other first.

“Oh, come on,” you crossed your arms in front of your chest when you walked into Ari's room one day and found Namjoon lying in her bed, “You've got to be kidding me.”

“Fucking knock,” she jumped out of the bed, put on a bathrobe and pushed you out of the room, closing the door behind her, “You didn't see anything, okay?”

“I saw too much, actually,” but hey, good for her. That size wasn't easy to come by these days.

“I mean... don't tell the others, okay? It's not serious, I just need to let off steam and he's the same.”

“How long has this been going on for?”

“I don't know.. a few weeks? What does it matter anyways?”

“It matters, because a friends with benefits relationship that goes on for a long time might evolve into something more. What if you fall for him?”

She snorted that day and told you that it'd never happen.

But when you walked out of the kitchen one day and saw her kiss him goodbye at the door with that lovey-dovey smile, you knew that it had already happened. And from the way he didn't want to let her go, you doubted that it was one-sided.

“You'll forever be my baby sister, right?” you asked Jun one night when you were feeling lonely due to Ari being with Namjoon again and Miya having “gone to dance practice”. At one in the morning.

She wasn't exactly being sneaky here. You just didn't know who it was that she was seeing.

“Of course, I will be,” she snuggled against you and grinned, “Why are you so sad today?”

“Ah, I don't know. When we were announced and had that tension with BTS, it felt like we pushed ourselves to be better, you know? But now it feels like we're starting to lose that goal with Ari and Miya already having gone over to the dark side.”

“The dark side?” Jun sat up and let out a snort, “I think you should finally let go of that hate towards the guys, you know?”

“It's not hate. It's just... competition. Wanting to be better than them.”

“You know, I think the best way at becoming better than them is to learn from them.”

“When did you become so wise?” you furrowed your eyebrows, pulled a pillow into your arms and hugged it tightly. But within seconds, you sat up straight and looked at her with wide eyes, “Oh no... not you too.”

Jun let out a chuckle and got up, “They're really not so bad, (Y/N). Just put some effort into it. You'll be fine, I promise.”

Great.

So now all three of your band members had formed an alliance with one member of BTS. And whether they were just 'passing time' with each other or were actually in a relationship with them didn't matter here. What mattered was that they were no longer enemies.

Only you were left to defend your group.

“Aw, don't you have any friends that will have lunch with you?” Taehyung chuckled as he sat down in front of you, “Then I'll sacrifice myself and eat with you.”

“You're here on your own too, so right back at you,” you narrowed your eyes at him, shoving a piece of kimchi in your mouth.

He looked at you for a second with a half grin, then he started laughing and nodded, “Fair enough.”

“Don't you have to work or something? Thought the world famous BTS never stopped working.”

“Ah, don't be jealous, love. You'll get there in fifteen years, too.”

Taehyung was the worst thorn in your eye for sure. The one that you wanted to slap 90% of the time and the other 10 you caught yourself having thoughts that you really didn't want to have. Not when you fought for your ‘independence’ from BTS for so long.

But hey... he was fucking handsome. No denying here.

“You think I'm jealous of you?” you snorted and got up, “Please, don't flatter yourself.”

You returned your plates and then wanted to make your way back to the studio. Only that once you were in the elevator, someone squeezed in just in time.

“You literally just sat down to eat. What do you want?”

“I asked them to pack it up for me,” Taehyung grinned happily, “Want to hang out?”

“Wh..- Seriously, are you that lonely?”

“Yeah, that's why I want to spend time with you. You're the loneliest person I know.”

“I'm not lonely,” you snorted and crossed your arms in front of your chest, “I have quite a lot of friends. And... lovers.”

Not sure why you felt like you had to add – and make up – that last part, but it unfortunately didn't go over well. Because Taehyung instantly started laughing, way more than was natural.

“Oh, you don't believe me?” you challenged, instantly standing up straighter and taking a step towards him.

It shut him up, but only because he straightened his back too and licked his lips with a smirk.

“Not in the slightest. But hey... convince me of your talents, if you really want to.”

And that was the issue between your dynamic with him. Neither of you wanted to back down and lose to the other.

So you took another step towards him, your boobs now touching his chest and looking daringly into his eyes.

“Like you're worthy of that.”

“I will be,” he leaned down, until his lips were right beside your ear, “If you let me.”

He thought he had you then... but that's why he liked you so much. Because he didn't have you. Not even in the slightest. You just snorted and walked out of the elevator when the doors opened again and he was left there smirking with too tight pants.

“Oh, isn't this just wonderful, we're having a party,” you said with a sarcastic smile as you walked into your apartment that was filled with not just your members, but BTS members as well, “I guess I wasn't invited. Despite me living here.”

“Don't be such a downer,” Ari said with a heavy sigh, getting up and handing you a drink, “Just sit down and talk to them. Please.”

“No, thank you. I'll just take my leave and wait in my room until everyone is gone.”

Jun got up and wanted to convince you to stay, but you were already on your way and Ari stopped her, shaking her head.

“Just give her time. She'll come around. We all did.”

You were so ready to fall into your bed and sleep, trying to ignore the laughing coming from the living room. 

But when you closed the door to your bedroom behind you, you instantly jumped in shock when you heard a male voice coming from your bed.

“Oh, how fortunate for me. This is your room?”

When you turned around, you found Taehyung literally chilling in your bed, one arm behind his head, shoes off and legs crossed, while the other hand held the remote control and browsed through your Netflix.

“You know, I see a pattern here... a lot of PG18 movies.”

“Get. The. Fuck. Out.”

“Why? I don't want to go over there. They're all making out and being lovey-dovey and it's annoying me,” he sat up and pursued his lips, “Besides. You're way more fun than your members. No offense.”

“Offense taken. They're very funny, actually, now get out,” you tried to pull him out of the bed, but he was stronger than you and pulled you into the bed with him instead.

“Oops.”

He smirked at you while you were now lying on top of him. And suddenly you realized what a game he was playing.

That time in the elevator. It started a war between you two of who could break the other one sooner. Sexually speaking.

Oh, if only you hadn’t mentioned those damned non-existant lovers.

In your mind, you already considered yourself the loser. But on the outside? No way.

“Your lip balm is pressing against my leg.”

He let out a laugh, “Even a lip balm can satisfy the driest lips in the world.”

Oh, that fucker.

“But see, when your lips are already moist because of that newer lip balm that you're using, you don't need the older model.”

“Hm, I understand,” he pushed himself up, both of you now sitting, you still on his lap, “But what if I tell you that it's not actually a lip balm, but a lip gloss?”

“I never liked lip glosses. They're very thin... too little product inside to satisfy my needs.”

Taehyung's grin grew larger by the second and even you had a hard time containing yours now.

“You just need to find the right lip gloss then. One that is thick, holds a lot of product and makes your lips wetter than they've ever been... for hours and hours and hours...”

“Is that a promise?” you looked down to his lips, losing that battle on the outside as well now.

“It's a vow, baby girl.”

And there it was.

The battle was over in less than five minutes.

The two of you made out, got rid of your clothes and Taehyung fucked you better than anyone else ever had, with you literally having to bite into your pillow so that you wouldn't scream.

And when Bangtan wanted to leave an hour later and realized that Taehyung was not with them anymore, they and your band members searched the entire apartment, only to stop in front of your door and hear you... unfortunately.

“Oh god,” Jin grimaced and walked away instantly, your youngest band members doing the same.

But Ari stayed for a moment longer and even considered walking in just to give you a thumbs up.

If only Namjoon hadn't stopped her.

That would have been hilarious.

[sweatersstyles]

where we belong

Yeah so..it’s been a year. A long and very frustrating year since one of the worst days of my life. This is just a continuation of You Bring Me Home and Harry helping me through the grief process of my aunt’s death. That was one of the first pieces of writing I ever shared and it was so incredibly personal to me. Thankful again to @bfharry​ for letting me include that in her fic event happening at the time. It was so good for me just to release that grief both then and now!

I also just owe a huge thank you to anyone else who has listened when I’ve talked about this or offered any sort of comfort. Your kindness in such a dark phase of my life means the world to me!!

This idea was born of the very strange urge I had to watch the movie I was watching with my sister that night we found out. I still haven’t been brave enough to watch it, but maybe someday.

Thank you to Miss Jill and Oliva (@havethetimeofyourstyles​, @bfharry​) for reading over this for me :) I appreciate you so much you’re the best!

//

“Linds? You home?”

He knows he’s later getting home than he said he’d be. But things on set don’t always go as planned so it had taken him longer than he imagined. He had tried to call to let you know, but when you didn’t answer his texts and your phone went through to voicemail for the third time, he assumed you were either out or gone to bed.

He drops his keys into the small bowl on the wooden table in the entryway, hears the clink of your set of keys against his and breathes a sigh of relief; you were here, safe. Not that you couldn’t venture out without him when he was busy, but he always feared the worst until you were back under the roof of your shared space.

He makes his way down the hallway into the kitchen, depositing the few grocery bags on the counter. When there’s still no sign of you, he works quickly to put away the few things you’d asked him to pick up on his way home, eager to be near you again. He notices a small round cake when he opens the refrigerator, and suddenly runs through the list of significant dates the two of you had accumulated over the past couple of years you’d spent together. Had he forgotten one? An anniversary of something that was important to you? Were you upset with him for forgetting, waiting somewhere for him to remember and apologize?

His hands work faster now, and when he goes to put away the grocery bags, he takes time to observe the casserole dish on the stove. He lifts the foil, sees the food untouched, and recovers it before moving through the rest of the house to find you. The open layout of the kitchen and living room allows him to quickly eliminate the couch as your hiding spot. He peeks down to see the door to the bedroom ajar, the light off but a slight flicker from the TV flashes across the walls and the tension in his chest continues to unravel the closer he gets. The box fan you insisted you couldn’t sleep without was silent, so either you hadn’t heard him call earlier, or again, you’d fallen asleep while waiting for him.

He pushes aside the guilt for being late, tries to rid himself of the thought the second it appears. He doesn’t know how many times you’d reminded him of your love and pride for him and his work. It was a mantra he repeated in his head when he was away and missing you. Your voice repeating I love you, I’m proud of you, come home to me soon no matter the length of time or distance you would be apart.

He stops before entering the bedroom, removing his shoes and making his movements as quiet as possible so he doesn’t disturb you. He glances quickly into the room, hears the faint murmurs of voices from the TV. It wasn’t an unusual sight, you hated falling asleep without him and so you often found a movie or show to try to lull yourself to sleep when the fan and other things just wouldn’t do the trick. Though the noise of a movie could never be a replacement for him, it was often enough for you to rest until he returned.

What comes next absolutely terrifies him, chills him to the bone worse than the bitter cold of the December air outside. A sob, echoing through the silence he had already adjusted to. He’s by your side in a second, almost leaping to meet you. He throws the blanket back that’s covering you, no real logic behind the action other than you must be physically hurt somehow. From the cry, he expects to see blood, an open wound, some clear injury. When all he finds is you, in his faded t-shirt and a pair of sweatpants, he questions again if you were sleeping, if it’s a bad dream that caused what he had heard.

But your eyes are too wide to have been resting, your face wet with fresh tears, new ones still streaming rapidly out of the corners of your eyes and down your cheeks. His heart is racing, fear laced in his voice when he kneels next to you, “S’a matter? Are you hurt?”

All you can do is wrap yourself around him, arms clinging to his neck. He tries to loosen your grip, pull you back so he can study your face, but you only clutch tighter. The panic is evident when he speaks again, “Lovie, you’re scaring me. Please tell me what’s wrong.”

You do your best to calm yourself, finally able to form words through shaky breaths, “It’s been a year, Harry.”

He frantically searches his thoughts again. A year? He tries to remember what tragic anniversary would have you this upset. That’s when he tunes in to the movie behind him, strains his ears to hear and tries to determine when he heard it last and how it could relate. It’s faintly familiar, but the tone is too light to be the only reason you’re this unsettled. 

Suddenly it hits him. How could he have abandoned a date from his head this important to you? He silently curses himself for even thinking of leaving you alone for a second today. Hates himself for ignoring the signs of your grief from the past week; the restless nights, your unusually quiet moods around him, the way you had melted into any sort of touch he offered. It was your way of seeking comfort without verbally requesting it. 

You’ve relaxed your arms enough now that he can create some space between you, just enough that he can visualize the sorrow set upon your normally joyful spirit. His voice is mixed with his own agony when he tells you, “I’m sorry. Love you so much, baby. Should’ve never left you today.”

You shush him, a gentle sign you’re not upset with him for overlooking the importance of this day. He can’t help but embrace you firmer, wishing he could absorb even a fraction of your painful heartache. He would take it all from you in an instant if he could.

The cake (which he now recalls was her favorite), the movie (he now realizes the two of you were watching the very same night a year before), this date. All reminders of what would always be one of the darkest days of your existence. 

The day your aunt had left the world too soon. The day you found out you would never see her beaming smile or hear her laugh or share a meal or create another cherished memory with her.

//

“Did you talk to your family today?”

“Yeah, FaceTimed my sister for a bit. Called my mom too, and my Nanna and Aunt Donna. It was nice to talk to them about her, share some stories.” He’s laying with you now, you curled against his side. The movie is still playing, set on a low volume, neither one of you paying much attention to it.

His eyes are closed but you know he’s still awake and listening by the way his hand rests on your back, occasionally working over that spot to soothe you as you talk, “But then I was alone and started thinking about that cake that she always loved. You were gone so I just walked to the bakery on the corner, not really expecting them to have it, but they did. Only one left and I started crying when I saw it in the case. Scared the poor cashier, but she was so sweet to me when I told her it reminded me of my aunt.”

“Then I came home and started thinking about that night I found out, how I was here with you and the movie we were watching. I don’t know if she had ever even seen it but..I wanted to connect with her somehow. It just made me more sad though, pulled me right back to that moment a year ago when I found out.”

“You could’ve waited for me. I would’ve watched it with you so you didn’t have to do it alone. Would’ve sent someone to pick up the cake too so you didn’t have to. Or sent a car to pick you up and bring you to set with me, s’always nice to have you there.” 

“I know. I just didn’t want to be a downer on your day. I wanted to be strong enough to get through by myself until you came home.” Tears are falling again, but you’re more in control of them now, they pool underneath where your cheek is smushed against his chest, “I miss her so much, Harry. It’s too much some days and I don’t know if it’ll ever get easier.”

“You could never be a downer to me, angel. Just because today was a little harder doesn’t mean you aren’t strong. It will get easier. You’ll always miss her, but it won’t always hurt so bad. It’ll take time to heal enough to find that balance between grief and happiness for the things that remind you of her. You’ll get to a point where you smile when you see her favorite things,” You press your face into his side, the fabric of his shirt is soft and comforting on your face, which you’re sure is red by now from crying so much throughout the day, “Will you look at me, please, love?”

When you do, he reaches to pull your hair back away from your face so that he can see it more clearly. He swipes a thumb along the top of your cheek, doing what he can to smooth away tears that have collected there, “I know how hard this year has been for you, but I also know without a doubt that she would be so proud of you, just like I am.”

“I wouldn’t have made it through a second of it without you, H. I’m only so strong because I had you to help me.”

“Maybe, but I won’t take credit for all of it, I can’t.” Your lips are dry and rough against his soft ones, but he doesn’t care, traps them gently to his once before gracing your cheek with another one.

“Saw you made dinner earlier. You weren’t hungry?”

“Not really, just needed something to keep me busy for the evening. I got too upset once I got it all done though.” You’re tracing patterns on the inside of the hand he’s offered you, knowing it’s one of your comforts, “Made that pasta you like, with garlic bread from the bakery.”

“Mhm, sounds good. With that homemade sauce you make?”

You snort, followed by a laugh at his adorably confused expression, “I’m flattered you like it so much, but it’s clearly not homemade, babe.”

“Really? This whole time you let me believe it was your own recipe?” 

“I thought you knew! You’ve literally been at the store with me when I’ve bought it. Several times, in fact. Probably even paid for it a few of those times too.”

“I feel so betrayed.” His bottom lip pokes out, a charmingly cute expression of disappointment. 

“I’m sorry. Think you can forgive me?” You're sitting up now, looking down at him. His hand is still settled in yours, and you squeeze his fingers, prompting him to look at you.

“Maybe. Definitely helps you got my favorite bread t’go with it.”

All the talk of food has your appetite returning quickly, and by the low grumble your stomach makes, it’s back in full force. If it were anyone else but Harry you were with, your cheeks would have flushed pink, but instead you just giggle.

“S’nice to hear that again, love. The laugh. Missed it, and the smile too. S’one of my favorite sights, seeing you so happy.”

“I’d be happier if we were eating pasta and garlic bread.”

“Me too.” 

The food is long cold by now, but the two of you work together to reheat everything. The smell envelops you both, chasing away the frosty chill December seemed to always bring. Harry’s already seated as you make your way to the table with your plate, and he shakes his head when you reach to pull the chair out to sit next to him. He takes your plate and sits it beside his own, tugging your wrist to guide you into his lap.

It’s the most normal, natural thing to him, to have you so close. He loops an arm behind your back to hold you securely there, “Saved you a seat with me instead, baby.”

You don’t suppress the blush now, can’t stop it from blooming scarlet across your face. He lifts his fork, gathering a bite you expect him to fill his own mouth with. Instead he brings it to yours, a beaming grin when you bend to accept it.

“What are you doing? Harry, I can feed myself. I’m not a child.” You drape one arm around his shoulders to steady yourself.

“‘Course you can, just missed you today. Wanna make it up to you that we spent the day apart,” He stuffs the second bite into his mouth before pointing his fork at you, “And y’coming with me tomorrow, won’t have m’girl sitting here bored and alone in this cold house. I’ll treat ya to dinner at that little Mexican place you love. Or if you’d rather have somethin’ else..”

You wrap your arms around him for the second time that evening, surprising him, making his fork clatter to his plate when he drops it to wrap his other arm around you, temporarily forgetting the meal to hug you back. You’re content to just let him hold you for a minute, relaxing your body to conform to his. Your chin rests on his shoulder and you finally turn your head to kiss his neck before letting go to cup his face with both of your hands. 

You kiss him..once, twice, and on the third one he’s smiling, an amused smirk crossing his face before he asks, “What s’all this for, lovie?”

“I love you, Harry, more than you’ll ever know.”

“I love you too, peach.”

Maybe there was a wound, not visible, that may never fully heal, but made significantly smaller by this man who you’re certain loved you more than anyone ever had. The man who kissed you a fourth time before feeding you a bite of garlic bread and reluctantly letting you transfer yourself from his lap to the chair next to him. He doesn’t even flinch when you prop your feet in his lap, just grins down at the mismatched socks covering your feet. 

The grin widens when he realizes they’re his socks keeping your toes warm. Loves that after a year of grief and distress, you remember exactly where you belong.

[canchewread]

Editor’s note: this post is part of the Recommended Reading series here on Can’t You Read; an ongoing and evolving feature that combines an easy to swipe info-graphic, a short journal, and a link to an important related discussion I’d like to share with readers.

A Culture of Predation Can’t Stop Fascist Pig Violence

In the wake of the frankly surprising (but extremely welcome) guilty verdicts in the trial of former Minneapolis police officer Derek Chauvin for the murder of George Floyd, I’ve tried very hard to reign in my cynicism. After all, the conviction of a cop for murder “in the line of duty,” let alone a white cop who murdered an African American man with an impoverished background, is about as common as a goddamn unicorn fart, and on that account alone the verdict is worth commemorating, if not necessarily celebrating. 

While it would be unspeakably obtuse to suggest that the verdict represented some sort of positive justice, it’s also undeniable that many feel this moment may indeed be a starting point; a chance to at least begin to imagine what a positive justice for African Americans might look like. In particular numerous observers have pointed to the very public crumbling of the proverbial “blue wall” of silence, the fact that Chauvin’s fellow police officers passionately testified against him with the whole world watching, as a positive omen for the future of police reform.

Unfortunately I (and many other observers) have doubts about this position. I don’t mean to be a downer, but the truth is that nobody, not even immunized murderpigs and their commanders, can justify the horrifying video of Chauvin mindlessly executing George Floyd over the course of nine and a half minutes. Faced with the choice of openly embracing their own “little Eichmanns” in front of an outraged public, the Blue Meanies decided that ultimately it wasn’t worth protecting a fuck up like Derek Chauvin. The cost, both to his fellow thug cops, and the profession of policing as a whole, would simply have been too damn high to justify the reward. 

The sad and horrifying truth here is that if Derek Chauvin had simply shot George Floyd, instead of casually kneeling on his neck for almost ten minutes, he’d probably be a free man today; just like so many cracker murderpigs before him. Furthermore, even this smallest of concessions probably wouldn’t have happened without months of nationwide protests conducted under a state of constant assault by violent, openly rioting police officers. That last reality is certainly not lost on fascists and neoliberal authoritarians; why else do you think reactionary lawmakers are rushing to pass legislation that criminalizes mass protest against racialized police violence? 

Still, you can’t blame folks for hoping; hope can be a good thing if it gives you the strength and courage to continue a seemingly impossible fight for actual justice. Perhaps some long day from now we will look back on this moment and say “and the conviction of Derek Chauvin was the point when the wave ultimately broke, and the tide of cracker police violence finally rolled back” - even if it’s clear that these convictions, by themselves, do not have the power to enact the change we so desperately need. 

Where I can and will find fault however, is with those deluded and disingenuous souls who have used this moment to once again champion the doomed cause of police reform; blithely ignorant or willfully oblivious to the fact that police reforms already failed to prevent the murder of George Floyd, and so many others like him. The bald truth is that the current establishment movement towards police reform is about maintaining the power and funding of the very same violent uniformed thugs who’re murdering poor people on behalf of the capitalist state in the first place; that’s why nobody is talking about removing qualified immunity for police officers, and that’s why even some cops themselves are coming around to the idea of reform at this late a date. In many ways, the real importance of the movement to “Defund the Police” is that the mere threat of taking away the sweet filthy ducats that pay murderpig salaries has already shifted the carceral establishment’s position towards bargaining; albeit, in bad faith.

The road to neofeudalist hell is paved with dark intentions however, and what establishment reformers, even and perhaps especially those who’re prepared to acknowledge the fundamentally racialized aspects of police violence, aren’t prepared to discuss in the open is the nature and purpose of policing itself in a capitalist society. There is no public examination of why it is that we keep hiring folks who turn out to be violent white supremacists to be police; and there certainly will be no discussion about the ways class relationships intersect with race through the designed function of racialized policing.

Despite the pro-police propaganda you’ve been fed all your life to suggest otherwise, the vast majority of what police actually do in America is to protect the wealth, property, and feelings of affluent white people and the corporations they own. Far from solving major crimes and preventing violence, modern policing in the Pig Empire revolves around nuisance violations, so-called broken windows policing, and other methods of harassing poor people for minor infractions of the law; remember, the police encounter that lead to the murder of George Floyd started over the purchase of cigarettes and a dodgy twenty dollar bill. The reason murderpigs can get away with violently assaulting protestors and journalists who threaten the established order is because that is precisely what they’re being paid to do, and indeed what their predecessors before them have always been paid to do.

On the surface, this class and capitalism analysis may appear to create a tension with the narrative that white supremacy and racism are also driving the crisis of police violence, but that’s really just about the same old establishment spin. As I’ve discussed in numerous prior essays, you simply cannot separate capitalism from white supremacy, or even racism, because bigoted ideas are propagated and spread for the specific purpose of marking out certain marginalized groups for exploitation and highly-lucrative (for some) repression.

Do you want to know what systemic racism in policing really looks like? It looks like hiring murderpigs to repress the poor, knowing full well that due to centuries of slavery and exploitation, the nonwhite and particularly African American population will be vastly overrepresented in the targeted communities. It looks like a supposedly colorblind war on drugs, the ongoing use of demonstratively racist stop and frisk practices, and expanded powers for your community’s “gang squad” in pretty much any neighborhood that just happens to be predominantly Black. It looks like literally profiting from these practices in ways that are sometimes extremely brazen and obvious, but sometimes hidden from everyday sight; even if they’re hardly much of a secret. The fact that the police are ultimately enforcers for the capitalist ruling class, also makes them enforcers of the white supremacist order that capitalism is so dependent upon in our society; there is no contradiction involved here.

Look; you don’t get rid of fascist murderpigs and white supremacists in law enforcement by throwing more money at nazi cops. Joe Biden can summon up all the pretty words he likes, but you can’t address the racialized nature of police violence without fundamentally altering either the racialized nature of inequality in American life, or the very purpose of policing in our society; and he’s sure as shit not talking about doing any of that at all. Thus, no matter how surprised and hopeful I am after the Chauvin guilty verdicts, that sense of positivity is ultimately tempered by the realization that “nothing will fundamentally change” - and that includes cracker thug pigs executing unarmed Black men on camera.

Although they might finally be better than openly fascist Republicans, the Democrats still don’t have answers to the problem of racialized police violence because ultimately, they don’t have answers to the crisis of capitalism itself. It’s not a question of reform or changing the law; murder is already illegal, even if you’re a white cop. Inequality, and the security force violence necessary to maintain it, is a festering sore inside the American body politic, and there are indeed consequences for essentially ignoring a crisis now so obvious and enraging to the public at large. 

What kind of consequences? Well, let’s ask researcher and professor Temitope Oriola who provides one terrifying answer in the public journal, The Conversation:

“The United States is at Risk of an Armed Anti-Police Insurgency“ by  Temitope Oriola

Or, you know, we could just abolish the murderpigs first; your call really - but don’t expect Palooka Joe to be much help, either way.

- nina illingworth

Independent writer, critic and analyst with a left focus. Please help me fight corporate censorship by sharing my articles with your friends online!

You can find my work at ninaillingworth.com, Can’t You Read, Media Madness and my Patreon Blog

Updates available on Instagram, Mastodon and Facebook. Podcast at “No Fugazi” on Soundcloud.

Inquiries and requests to speak to the manager @ASNinaWrites

Chat with fellow readers online at Anarcho Nina Writes on Discord!

“It’s ok Willie; swing heil, swing heil…”

[sea-side-scribbles]

Fanfiction: Sympathy For A Downer

Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22737214/chapters/69028314

Chapter 42

At first nothing happened, just as Norbert had expected. He wanted to give Virgil a disappointed look when suddenly something changed. The colors around him exploded. What had been dull and grey once started to glow brightly, as if it was hit by unvisible sunbeams. He recognised the effect from other substances but instead of distorting all sounds into cloudy noise, he could hear everything plain and clear, much better than before. And it was a very pleasant sound. He started to feel simply cheery. He forgot why he had been so sad all the time and had no idea what could possibly go wrong today. Instead he was bursting with energy and couldn't wait to let it out.

"Virgil, it's working!" He beamed at his manager and Virgil smiled back, it was a wonderful smile, and gave him an encouraging slap on his back. "Let's get out on stage then, little one." Norbert didn't go without throwing himself at Virgil and effusively thanking him. To his bewildered friends he said: "What are you waiting for, let's get out!"

It was the best concert they've ever played, Norbert thought. Especially his own performance he found great. His voice had never sounded better, he admired how clear and strong it was and he had never had so much energy before. The fans must've noticed it too, the way they freaked. His solos were outstanding. That night he finally proved that he had it in himself to be a lead guitarist. After the concert he left the stage feeling like a god, leering and playing with a piece of underwear that an enthusiastic fan had thrown to him. "How do you like that?", he asked Morrie who grimaced. "It doesn't look good on you." "How do you know? I didn't try it yet."

When they found Virgil, Norbert flung the bra around his neck and pulled him closer. "Hello there, you tall and pretty manager, you! I hope you like what you did!" "Very much", Virgil answered, quickly getting out of the piece of laundry. "You guys are the best!" "Huh". Norbert threw himself into a pose. "Go on, just admit who's been the best tonight." "Considering that you almost pissed your pants, it wasn't that bad", Chris answered instead of Virgil. "Not bad?" Norbert was upset. "Don't worry, you'll be better next time." "You can't fool me", Norbert said proudly. "You're jealous because I'm taking your job as a lead guitarist." "What was that?", Chris blurted out. "Virgil, what did you give him? That stuff causes delusions!" Norbert crossed his arms. "I know what I've heard." "Me too." When Chris walked past him, Norbert stuck his tongue out at him behind his back.

Then he felt a slap on his back and Brad appeared next to him. "You don't have to show off like that, Nicky. You've been great and we know it." "I'm glad to hear that from at least one of you." "I hope that means you can survive the next gig without any drama?" "Yeah, yeah, don't be so resentful", Norbert moaned. "Just asking." Brad shrugged. Norbert put an arm around him. "Did you really plan to thrash me?" "I was about to", Braid answered without blinking an eye. "Why didn't you do it?" "Because Virgil convinced me that you're more useful if we keep you in one piece." "God bless him", Norbert said, then he turned around to go back to his manager who now kept a safe distance to his protégé. "Hey, Virgil, let me pat your back, I want to check if you have wings." "I'm curious how you'll do that without a ladder", Virgil teased him, making Chris and Brad laugh mercilessly.

"You could be nice for once and bend down", Norbert suggested. "Or, you could take my word that I don't have any wings", Virgil answered, then approached Norbert and put his big hands on Norbert's slender shoulders. "Listen, Nicky, we are all tired and we want to go home, so you better go into your dressing room and change your clothes." He shoved Norbert forward, who resigned himself to his fate. "That's a good boy", Virgil coaxed. "See you." Back in the room, Norbert took off his bright suit, but his good mood remained.

When he was finished and returned to his band he continued to chatter. Then he hugged Matt from behind and asked: "I didn't hear anything from you yet. How did you find me?" "It's easy, you're always standing right next to me." "Oh, haha..." "Yes, you are." Norbert let go of him. "Why do I never get a real answer from you?" "Try asking better questions." "How long is a piece of string?" "See, your questions don't make any sense."

Back in their residence, Morrie was again the first to go to bed. This time, Norbert secretly followed him along the corridor. Shouting: "Where do you think you're going?", he tossed his souvenir at him and pulled him backwards. "Let me go", Morrie hissed and angrily struggled out of the trap. "Stop playing around with that thing! Don't you see you look ridiculous?" Norbert grinned. "Oh, Morrie, I can't believe you're still mad at me", he said with his sweetest voice. "Don't you think that's ridiculous too?" "Not as long as you're making a bigger fool out of yourself." Norbert closed the distance between them and leaned towards him. "Come on, Morrie, let me turn you on. Wouldn't it be a shame if this night had a lonely ending?" His lover faced away from him. "Didn't you turn on enough people today?" Norbert purred into his ear, close enough to make Morrie's hair stand on end: "I've got enough left for you, trust me...Aren't you curious? Just imagine what I could do with you..." Morrie gulped.

He was indeed curious. Norbert was stirring, beaming, arousing, as if something inside him had awakened, something he had supressed all the time. However, it also felt wrong. Norbert wasn't himself. Virgil's stuff had changed him and Morrie didn't know if he wanted to love the change. "Do you really feel alright?", he asked with a serious tone. "Alright?" Norbert laughed. "Morrie, I feel awesome!" He grabbed him by the collar. "I just want you to feel the same!" "Then let me sleep," Morrie said toneless. "You can't do this to me!", Norbert blurted out. "You have no idea how much I miss you! You're so beautiful tonight! I can see you as clearly as never before! Your flawless skin, your silky, shiny hair, your pretty brown doe-eyes and your elegant, tender hands..." He took Morrie's hands and covered them with soft kisses while Morrie was frozen and perplexed. "You're so smart, so graceful, you're everything I'll never be. Please, tell me what I can do for you! Is there nothing about me you like?"

Morrie felt the wall he had built around himself break down once again. Staring into his lover's begging, green eyes he opened his mouth and only made an unintelligible noise. He liked exactly that. There was no one else who could stir him as much, break through to him like he could, no one who felt about him like that. And no one who could have everyone and still cared that much about him.

Suddenly Norbert began to sing, with his silvery voice - he really was in good shape - a lovesong, one of the most touching he had ever written and between them he made no secret of the fact that it was for him. Then he began to dance with him, at first a bit clumsy because Morrie was hesitating to move along. But soon they danced around in the corridor with quick steps. Norbert was full of energy and Morrie was choked up with emotions. "Norrie...Norrie...", he stuttered. Suddenly Norbert gave him a little push and let him fall into his arms. He was a very good dancer. Morrie's heart raced while he lied helplessly in his lover's arms and looked up to him. Norbert was eery, and eerily beautiful. "Morrie, I can't live without you", he quietly said, as if he was apologizing. It occured to Morrie that he longed for the other man's lips, so he craned his neck to reach them and Norbert closed the distance between them without hesitation. The kiss felt like a salvation after all those lonely nights.

When they parted, Morrie noticed that he had lost the ground under his feet. Norbert was holding him in his arms. "You don't have to do that. I'm much too heavy for you", Morrie whispered. "Nonsense, you're a delicate little plant, Morrie", Norbert said, kicking the door to his bedroom open. "In addition I insist on carrying my lover and lying him down in my bed."

This night Morrie regretted giving Norbert the cold shoulder for so long.

The next day, Norbert continued to feel great. His relationship with Morrie was saved and his doubts were gone. He also quickly decided how to treat his fans. The concert had caused him to be more popular again, to be someone people admired. And he didn't want to refuse them and play that silly game once again. And so he didn't.

After having a good day with a bunch of groupies and kissing the last one of them goodbye, he went back into the living room where Morrie was sulking and not deigning to look at him. Norbert leaned against the doorframe and ran a hand through his wild, long mane. "Oh, Morrie...", he sighed and shook his head. "Do you want to be mad at me forever?" "So this is how it's going to be forever?", Morrie asked, staring at the brightly colored wallpaper.

Norbert made his way through the room to sit down next to him. "Morrie...this is nothing but a show. My fans want it, and if I don't give it to them, they pout, and if I ignore them further, they leave me for another star." Morrie finally granted him a look. "Do you need this kind of fans so much?" "Of course I need fans, or I'll be nobody." "I have fans too and I don't give them such a show." "It's different with you", Norbert began, trying to find the right words. "You look good when you're serious. You're natural like that. You're even hot like that. But I..." He shook his head. "I can't copy you, that doesn't work for me and the fans know it." "So you see no other way", Morrie concluded. "Morrie, I don't go very far. We only kiss, if anything. I'm just nice to them and that's how it's supposed to be." Morrie sighed. "I don't like it." "Oh, Morrie..." "Not at all. And you shouldn't take that pill again that Virgil gave you. It makes you lose control over yourself."

Norbert laughed. "Oh, come on now! You made me see and feel how much you liked it last night." He got up to sit back down on the other man's lap. Leaning his forehead against Morrie's, he enjoyed the warmth of his skin on his. "Don't worry, my darling", he whispered. "I love you. What do you want me to do to prove it?" He laid a hand on his upper leg. "Shall we continue what we started?" "Not here", Morrie hissed. "But somewhere else maybe?" Norbert snickered. "Tell me where..." He covered Morrie's face with kisses before the other man could stop him. Morrie struggled to get up from the couch and moved his clingy lover into his bedroom. They didn't talk about fans again after this.

But something else started to bother Norbert. Whatever he tried, he couldn't get back into that wonderful mood that made him feel awesome about everything and made his voice flow by like liquid gold. While jamming in their studio he was disappointed of his performance even though the others swore black and blue that everything was perfect. Norbert wondered if taking Joy once more could help him to remember how to feel like that again. When their next show was due and he was still not pleased with himself, he went to Virgil who was currently living in one of their guest rooms.

"Virgil?", he asked entering the room. He was delighted that he could finally say his first name and he said it whenever he had the opportunity. "That pill you gave me, what was it called again?" "You mean Joy?" "Yeah, that." Norbert nervously cleared his throat. "Do you still have some?" "Sure." Virgil pulled the jar out of his pocket. Then he paused. "How do you feel?" "Oh...I'm okay, don't worry...I just..." Norbert rubbed his neck. "I don't feel in my best shape today...would you mind if I keep a pill just in case...?" "Why not?", Virgil said without hesitation and put the jar down on his desk, right in front of Norbert. "Just keep them all. I don't need them anyway." Norbert had wide eyes when he took the jar in awe. "But I hope you learned that you still have it in you", Virgil added with a little smirk. Norbert gave a laugh, relieved that it had been so easy. "You have no idea! I've never felt this way before! This stuff is incredible!" "Can't hurt to try it again from time to time, and see what happens", his manager said casually and Norbert decided to do himself that favor.

It didn't disappoint. Norbert found he was even better than before. He still had many pills in that jar, so he decided to spice every concert up with Joy. After all he had much more fun this way.

[imaginethathaikyuu]

Your posts are like super good and I really enjoy them!!! So I have a request, and I'm not sure how many characters at a time you said you'd do, but I'll keep it to Oikawa, Kyoutani and Kuroo with some angst, if that's alright. I'm thinking maybe a fight between them and their s/o, (jealousy or volleyball or something). Maybe they make their s/o cry. Ending of your choice? If this isn't your style you can ignore this. Thank you!!

thank you for the request! 

kuroo tetsurou

The clock strikes 1 am. The girl attached to your boyfriends hip has migrated to throwing her leg over his knee - and he still isn’t ready to go home.

The music is still loud. The party is still lively.  You’re becoming more uncomfortable by the second - everyone was drunk but you, and drunk people have no respect for those who are sober. You already had to push two guys off of you.

You wade through the small crowd of people to get to Kuroo.

“Are you ready, Tetsurou?”

He holds a finger up to you. The girl next to him is in the middle of a sentence - apparently it’s important.

He laughs at her comment, and then looks to you with a bored expression. “What?”

“Just asking if you’re ready…”

“Don’t leave so soon, Tetsu!”

You raise a brow at her tone - you know he notices, but he doesn’t say anything.

“I’m ready to go home,” you say.

With a sigh, he looks to the girl next to him. “Y/N’s the boss.”

His expression had changed completely - as if he’d prefer to stay with her rather than go back home with you.

“Don’t let me ruin the fun,” you say. “I’m sure you could go home with any girl here, if that’s what you want.”

He says his goodbyes to the girl next to him, basically ignoring your words. When he stands, he scoffs at you. Your comment had soured his mood - the alcohol he had consumed was already putting a downer on him. He wished he could’ve had fun with you; instead, he just felt annoyed at everything.

“Don’t start. Are we leaving or not?”

You nod. You don’t bother saying goodbye to any friends there, but Kuroo is sure to make his rounds. Again, you have to wait - sitting at the kitchen counter - on him to start caring about what you want.

In that time, one of the guy’s you had turned down earlier came back. He draped his arm over your shoulders and his face was close to yours.

“You leavin’ me?” he stutters - you immediately smell the alcohol on his breath. His grip on your shoulders is tight - you aren’t sure if you’ll be able to push him off.

“Yeah,” you reply weakly.

“Come on, baby,” he says, “what do you say we go find our own room? There’s plenty -”

“I have a boyfriend,” you tell him, wincing at his close proximity.

“What he doesn’t know won’t hurt him!”

“Aren’t we leaving?”

Kuroo’s voice comes from behind you - but it doesn’t make the man pull away.

So you push him off, grumbling, “get off,” as sternly as you can muster, and wipe your face before walking with Kuroo to the door and ultimately to your car.

The car ride is awkward - the walk inside your home is even more awkward. But once you’re both in the foyer, he breaks the silence.

“Are you just going to act like that didn’t happen?”

“You’re mad at me because some creep was hitting on me?”

“Convenient excuse,” he replies, walking to the kitchen.

“You…”

There was nothing you could even think to say. You were confused and angry and sad, and you had no idea how to voice your thoughts.

“…you spent the entire party with a random girl on your lap! A girl you obviously would rather be with right now - and… and you’re angry that some drunk perv had his arm over my shoulder?!”

Maybe it was the alcohol in his system. Maybe he’d gotten caught up in the energy of the party. But it was only then, when he heard the sound of your cries and your broken voice, did Kuroo realize how much he’d fucked up.

“I’m an idiot,” he said with his head in his hands. “I’m stupid and I don’t deserve you and I shouldn’t drink alcohol.”

You don’t reply. You’re still crying.

“Baby… please stop crying and let me hug you and hold you all night and please rub my back when I puke later and I’m sorry.”

You nod. Kuroo takes a few steps towards you, holding his arms out.

“I love you,” he says before wrapping you up in his lanky arms. “I love you.” He kisses the side of your head a couple of times. “I love you.”  

Again, you nod - and he knows you aren’t feeling much better.

“I know you don’t believe me,” he sighs. “But I love you. I only want you. You’re my better half. Thank you for being patient with my drunk ass. I need to throw up.”

When you laugh, he knows that’s his cue to pull away - and turn around to the sink and spill his guts. And you rub his back like he asked you to.

And afterwards - way afterwards, when Kuroo’s thrown up twice more and brushed his teeth three times, he holds you all night, like he said he would.

oikawa tooru

“Where are you going, Tooru?”

Oikawa stops in his tracks and turns to you.

“I… thought you were at work.”

“That doesn’t answer my question.”

He sighs. “I don’t know, Y/N - where do you think I’m going with my gym bag and work out clothes?”

You give him a pointed glare, standing up from where you sat on the couch.

“We’ve talked about this -”

“And I told you I know what I’m doing.”

You scoff. “Just like when you knew what you were doing before you hurt your knee?” you look down to his leg, seeing it bare - yet again. “You aren’t even wearing your brace!”

“I don’t need it anymore! It was years ago - why do you always bring that up?”

“Because you aren’t being careful and it’s going to happen again -”

“I’ll never get better if I don’t work hard enough! Do you want me to be a shitty player for the rest of my life?”

“Tooru -”

“You don’t know what’s best for me - all you do is hold me back!”

He turns away from you and walks towards the door - and you notice it again.

You’d seen it when he got home from practice last night - you hoped you were just imagining it. But now, you know for sure.

So you walk up behind him quickly, putting a hand on his arm.

“Tooru, you’re limping -”

He jerks his arm away from your grasp.

“Shut up -”

“Tooru -”

“I said shut up!”

He drops his bag. His shoulders sink, his head hangs low. And that’s when he breaks.

“God dammit -”

Your heart is in your stomach, your eyes are watering, your fists are clenched. But you say nothing.

“I don’t need you saying I told you so,” he sobs. “I don’t - I just want to be a good player.”

You want to tell him that he already is a good player - the best player you know, even, but it’s no use. You know he won’t listen. He won’t believe you.

“I’ve already hit my peak and I should just give up,” he says. His body shakes. He can’t catch his breath. But despite that, he picks up his bag. “But I can’t.”

“I don’t care if you push yourself,” you say. You grab his wrist. “I don’t care if you want to risk hurting yourself even worse, I don’t care if we never stop arguing over this - but wear your fucking brace, Oikawa.”

He doesn’t move from where he stands - he doesn’t even turn to look at you.

“You’re throwing away any potential you ever had by not wearing it - you’re hurting yourself.”

He still doesn’t look at you as he pulls his arm from your grasp, but he turns and walks back to his bedroom. When he comes out, he’s wearing the familiar white brace.

He doesn’t say anything. He just walks out of the apartment, gym bag in hand. And you don’t know what else to do but call Iwaizumi - and make an appointment at Oikawa’s physical therapist.

And you prayed he’d start taking better care of himself.

kyoutani kentarou

Another day of your boyfriend hardly interacting with you goes by - and you can’t take it anymore. People hardly even realize you and Kyoutani were dating - today, Hanamaki told you he thought you were siblings.

And it’s all because Kyoutani rarely even looks your way when you’re in public around your peers. It hurt - it seemed like he didn’t want people to know you’re dating.

And when you bring it up to him, he always says: “Okay, I’ll do better…”

But nothing has changed.

He’s sitting on your bed with you now, on his phone and hardly noticing your existence. But he notices something is wrong. When he asks, you jump at the opportunity to discuss your feelings.

“I just… wish you… showed me more attention, that’s all.”

He sighs but he doesn’t reply.

“It feels like you don’t even really… want to be with me.”

“Why would I be here if I didn’t want to be?”

His words would have been calming, if it weren’t for his angry tone.

“I… I don’t know.”

“You bring this up all the time. I told you I’d be better.”

“But you haven’t been… I just want to feel like we’re dating instead of looking like strangers -”

“What else am I supposed to do?! I don’t know what else you fucking want from me!”

His voice was raised, he was almost yelling. You knew if he said anything else his voice would become louder - but it didn’t matter. He wouldn’t have to raise his voice any higher to upset you.

You weren’t trying to make him angry - you just wanted him to understand.

But you’d done something wrong, apparently.

So you didn’t reply - you scooted away from him, hugged your knees to your chest, and tried not to cry too loudly.

He knew he’d made a mistake - he knew not to raise his voice at you. But he did it anyway. Just like he knew you wanted him to be better, yet he never changed a thing.

He’s only frustrated with himself and he feels so pathetic for taking it out on you.

He can’t even look in your direction - he just buries his head under a pillow to hide for awhile. He’s stuck with his thoughts and they’re intrusive and deafening.

If he was feeling like shit, how were you feeling? You were the one dealing with how bad of a boyfriend he is. You were the one he yelled at. So what right did he even have to be upset?

He wants to run out, get out of your bed and leave without even saying goodbye. He wants to get into his car and blast his music so loud he can’t even hear his own mind screaming at him.

But if he does that, if he runs away from you, he’ll lose you. And it’ll be the biggest mistake of his life. And Kyoutani is selfish and rude and mean and all of the shitty things people say about him - but losing you is the one thing he’ll never let himself do.

“Y/N,” he says loudly.

“What?”

Your voice is weak. It breaks his heart.

“Can you come here?”

You laugh a little and raise the pillow off of his head, then lay down next to him.

“I’m not a good boyfriend,” he says. His eyes are closed. “I’m bad at this. But we can figure it out. Talk it out. I just want to be making you happy.”

You nod, but he doesn’t see. All he hears are your sniffles.

“I know you probably hate me for yelling at you and I’m sorry.”  

“I don’t,” you say. Your voice sounds so sad, and it breaks him to know he’s the reason for it. “I love you.”

He opens his eyes and looks over to you. It always made him impossibly happy to hear you say that to him, even though he didn’t deserve it. And he’d always say it back, no matter what.

“I love you too.”

got a request? send it in. i’ll write it. 

[cyberpawn-arc]

Explaining Vale’s Character with OK Orchestra Lyrics

I tried to keep this to one verse or a few lines to each song so I don’t overload this post!! Yes I love A//J//R yes this album came out like a week ago and im still recovering

OK Overture: Vale’s Exhaustion, baybey!! And their optimistic tendencies!

But I'm too fucking young to feel so fuckin' old But I'll try, and I'll try, and I'll try But I'm not dead yet so I guess I'll be alright

Bummerland: Return of Vale’s optimistic tendencies!

Bummerland, it's kinda weird But you're only going up from here

3 O’Clock Things: Anxiety about truly opening up to those around them!

Would you go running if you saw the real me? Maybe you'd love 'em Yeah, maybe you'd feel me But I'll never ask you, no, that's super scary

My Play: It’s the ‘when I’m you’ for me. The You, We, I. Hi Johnny!

You did everything, everything, everything that you could We do everything, everything, everything 'til it's through I'll do everything, everything, everything when I'm you

Joe: Vale knows they have friends, yes, but they literally cannot forget their own fears and insults used against them. It all still stings.

I got friends all up the coast Proud of all the songs I wrote But I can't take this backpack off It comes with me where I go

Adventure Is Out There: The Vale ADHD and Fear Of Missing Out experience! They cannot and will not plant roots! Until they find someone they love but listen that’s another post entirely

Adventure is out there Adventure is out there So why am I in here So why am I in here today?

Bang!: ENDGAME DESTROYIN’ ARASAKA VALE

I'm way too young to lie here forever I'm way too old to try so whatever Come hang Let's go out with a bang

The Trick: Ah ha ...... ah.... vale telling their s/o about the relic and their impending doom....and also the fact johnny’s mannerisms pop through more and their s/o doin’ the “you’re changing” sorta talk...

We'll get out of this 'Cause I love you, I do We'll get out of this 'Cause I love you, it's true But if you're doubting this If you're doubting that I do Then oh my God, I'm screwed

Ordinaryish People: BABY IT’S THE BEING HAPPY AND SEEN AS STUPID BY OTHERS

Your downer friends think you're too happy, too happy 'Cause you still celebrate sometimes / ‘No, you're not stupid, you're just special, special' Well, that's what all your smart friends say

Humpty Dumpty: THE ENTIRE SONG

I’m not kidding please look up this song it’s about mental illness and hiding it in order to make other’s happy and wondering if people would really love you no matter the “face” you show and it mentions the expectations the world places on you to put on a happy face and it slaps and also the way his voice breaks when he sings “Aren’t you excited that I’m givin’ you the best me” is a bIG VALE MOOD

World’s Smallest Violin: Once again, a Vale going “no im fine im okay other people have it worse” to ignore their own struggles

Somewhere in the universe Somewhere, someone's got it worse Wish that made it easier Wish I didn't feel the hurt

Way Less Sad: Vale’s normal mood!! Night City is a mess and they’re having a rough time but they’re optimistic and fightin’ hard to help others feel way less sad too!

Don't you love it Don't you love it No I ain't happy yet But I'm way less sad

Christmas In June: This is Vale, post-game, older, wanting to have a family/married to their partner, but they’re so attached to the Merc life that takes up their entire life. They’re trying to balance merc and a “normal” life and it results in many “All I know is my streetkid past, but I don’t want to lose you” moments

Holy shit Now I'm sittin' thinkin' 'bout what else I'll miss Darling, if we're ever gonna have a kid Don't wanna miss it Can we just have him in June?

[dlamp-dictator]

Let me tell you all about Rinne Berlinetta (Vivid Strike)

Rinne Berlinetta is the adopted daughter of Dan and Lori Berlinetta, owners of the Berlinetta Enterprise, a fashion and jewelry company. Before this adoption went though Rinne was originally an orphan, and a rather shy and naive one at that. She avoided conflict, easily frightened, and her biggest worry was filling her stomach with snacks. Her life wasn’t too hard, but it was a lonely one. At least until got close to another child at the orphanage, Fuka, who protected her from bullies and gave Rinne a sturdy shoulder to cry on. Overall, Rinne’s life was peaceful.

However, one day she met an older gentleman while playing with the other orphans, Roy Berlinetta. On a whim the man decided to buy the orphans drinks, but noting Rinne, a girl that very much looked like his own daughter with her white hair and purple eyes, decided to later convinced his daughter, Rinne future foster mother, to adopt Rinne. 

From that day one, Rinne went from living in a poor church orphanage to a luxurious mansion with a loving family. It seemed like a fairy tale. Being adopted by a loving and wealthy family, going to school with people that enjoyed her company, and soon learning she had a very high aptitude for sports and athletics, becoming the desired star of every sports and martial arts club in school. Her foster grandfather’s health was slowly taking a turn for the worst, but he was slowly recovering. All in all, her life was truly going well. 

However... that wasn’t to be the end of Rinne’s story.

No, reality is sadly a lot crueler than that. Being the adopted daughter of a wealthy family, Rinne was almost immediately the victim of intense bullying from the Combat Club of her school.They saw her as an arrogant brat that had gotten a swelled head just for having rich parents and a strong body. And so she was targeted. Her desk scratched up, her shoes shredded and tattered, and she was even stalked and tormented in even the bathroom. Never having a moment’s peace.

But Rinne never fought back. Only when a gift from her beloved grandfather, a diamond tiepin, was threatened did she speak up and struggle. However, that reaction only made them target her further. In the end she stopped wearing it, wanting to keep the one gift of her ailing grandfather safe from harm, taking the bullying without ever speaking up about it, not wanting to burden her parents with something that felt like trivial complaining. This went one for months. 

Until the bullies finally apologized and said they went too far. It seemed the months of torture without seeing Rinne fight back left them feeling guilty. They apologized, saying they regretted being jealous of Rinne’s status and going so far. And Rinne, being the kind girl she is, happily decided to let it all be water under the bridge. She even felt confident enough to wear her tiepin again soon after. And to make thing better, her grandfather said his health was getting better, soon being able to go out on walks and finally see travel the town with his beloved granddaughter. Things were looking up. 

But... well...

It was a tricked. A cruel trick of faking an apology so Rinne would bring the one thing that she’d react to if taken. A low blow, but the last straw for Rinne was being held against her will, even knocked out during a critical moment for her grandfather’s health taking a turn for the worst. 

She was forced to miss her Grandfather’s last moments. This left Rinne absolutely heartbroken. The day before her grandfather had said he'd be able to go out on walks in a bit, would be able to enjoy the outside air with his granddaughter just like on the day they first met. But... it wasn’t to be. Rinne was left to believe that she was the cause of her grandfather’s death, that in his last moments in this world he was desperately fighting to see her face one last time, only for Rinne to fail him, to not use the strength she had to stand up for herself and stop what hindered her.

And then, Rinne broke.

She ended the antics of her bullies the day after, being forced to transfer schools as a result of her violence. Everything was settled out of court, but the families of the bullies, the brothers specifically, weren’t please with their sisters suffering while this rich girl with seemingly supernatural strength went free.

So they could matters into their own hands. However...

Enter Jill Stola, a former MMA fighter and trainer of the Frontier Gym. She happened to see Rinne’s kidnapping and decided to save her. 

Only for Rinne to save herself soon after. But after hearing Jill’s profession Rinne asks to be trained. Not for self-defense, as she had demonstrated she was physically strong enough to keep herself safe, but to never feel weak again. To never feel she’ll lose something precious to her due to hesitating. To never have people look down her ever again. To feel like she’s strong for once in her life. 

Now, Jill is an interesting character herself in terms of her philosophies as a coach and her beliefs in combat sports, but for now I’ll just say Jill had an inkling of what Rinne was feeling and figured she could use Rinne’s sadness and pain. That she could mold it into something pure and bright like a diamond. So she trained Rinne. She trained Rinne until she threw up and made get up and train some more, wanting to make her into a champion. To let her feel strong by standing on top of the fighting circuit as a World Champion.

But all this did was turn Rinne’s sadness into bloodlust. She didn’t so much fight as she took her anger out on her opponents. Channeled all her hatred into her fists and looked down those who lost to her. She hated weakness, and she hated those who were weaker than her. People that didn’t have anything to lose, people that didn’t fight for anything but fun and competition. To her, they were ignorant to how cruel the world could be needed to be brought down to earth and reality. And for all her training and accolades, Rinne hated martial arts. She hated them with a fierce passion. She only felt she used them to prove she was better than those she defeated, and she was on a downward spiral as she looked down on those that lacked skill and ability as weaklings that needed to leave the sport and leave her sight.

Enter Fuka Reventon, a childhood friend of Rinne from orphanage and street fighter turned martial artist. Seeing Rinne’s descent into depression and cruelty, she had enough of Rinne’s condescending behavior. Seeing the kind and gentle Rinne turn into a violent and cruel monster for seeming no reason, and seeing her have this almost self-loathing toward weakness, she decided to join a local gym, train herself to be competitively fit for combat, and face Rinne in the ring. If Rinne wouldn’t snap out of it with words, then Fuka’s fists would have to do.

Now, to not spoil things too far, I’ll just say they both had that big fight, and both come out the better for it. Rinne finally lets go of her past, gains an appreciation for martial arts, and goes back to her coach to train with earnest ambitions to become a champion.

So... Why Talk about This?

Well, I decided to rewatch the show again. Honestly, this month’s be a bit of a downer and I needed a quick action fix to perk me up. Vivid Strike is one of my go-to anime for that sort of thing, so I watched it for what’s probably the fourth time since its airing. I... came out appreciating this series a lot more than I thought I would. I talked about it three years ago here. 

In that opinion piece I said that this was a fine sports anime, but had a bad story, focusing too much on the antagonist than the protagonist. I... take that back as of now. Looking back I was harsher on this show than I should had been in general. I still stand by that this show focused more on Rinne than Fuka, but I’ll also say that’s probably the point. 

This is a spin-off the Nanoha series, and while I'm not familiar with that series I’ve done a bit of research and learned that Nanoha always focuses more on their antagonist than their protagonist, as the theme of the series is that evil tends to be misunderstood and can come to the light side if an open hand is waiting to accept them. Power of Friendship and all that. 

And in my older and (hopefully) wiser age of 26, I feel like I should try and update my opinions and stances on things, especially the things I love. Vivid Strike is on the list of anime I watch for my action fixes, along with Absolute Duo, Armed Girl’s Machiavellism, and History’s Strongest Disciple Kenichi. But when I rewatch these series I usually find something more than just a lot of punching, like with Rinne here. I felt I should talk about it for a bit, talk about Rinne. So... here we are. 

And really, just reading back on my original thoughts made me scowl a little at my past self for not grasping the main theme of this show, something I’m more acute to nowadays. I wanted to correct myself here with this little... character study of sorts. If you want to get into this series then it’s on Amazon Prime. It’s good show, and especially so if you aren’t familiar with Nanoha mythos, as Vivid Strike only has a handful of nods and references too it that you won’t need to know.

Actually, I did have a small draft of a Nanoha Vivid opinion piece in the works, so I’ll get to work on that next.

Anyway, I’ll see you folks later.

[zenithlux]

Cadence - CH 2

Read the full story on AO3 here!

Chapter Two

To trust myself To trust someone else To trust the doubt in the back of my mind Trust the trail of pain left behind Yes, I knew better then

“Trust” - Christina Perri

Thirteen days went by before Vergil thought of the mystery woman again. Of course, Dante’s “mission of utmost importance” had been nothing but a few larger demons, but it had been enough to distract Vergil’s mind from the conversation. 

Well, he never truly forgot, as much as he thought he should. He hadn’t seen her since the first meeting, and assumed she’d given up by now. Dante had teased him numerous times about it and somehow procured the bookmark no matter where Vergil tried to hide it. He had considered throwing it out, but he’d begrudgingly kept it when Dante’s alternative was to “fold the corners down to mark your place”. 

Beyond their near-identical looks (which was becoming more debatable by the day), Vergil and his twin were absolutely nothing alike. 

By the next Friday, however, he and Dante had forgotten about her entirely, as it took everything he had to survive the awkward family gathering. Granted, Vergil was certain that everyone else would say that he was the awkward one, and not them. And while they were (probably) right, Vergil was too stubborn to admit it. 

But what else could he do? Nearly everyone, Nero’s foster kids included, kept giving him these… looks. The humans were wary around him, except for Lady who was either glaring at him so intensely that he might burst into flames, or ignoring him entirely. Trish was the most composed, but he didn’t miss the occasional side-eye she gave him, as if she expected him to turn on them at any moment. 

And then there was Nero. His son… that he talked to once for five minutes after his return from the Underworld before ending up in a duel to the metaphorical death. Vergil had won, of course, but it sure hadn’t felt that way when Nero stormed off, calling Vergil a “fucking asshole” at least twice. The two had awkwardly avoided each other ever since despite all of Dante’s attempts to force them back together. 

And that’s how Vergil ended up in the kitchen on this particular visit, watching his family with two doorways and a hall between them. They’d all relaxed after he’d quietly excused himself from the room, though none of them would ever admit that was the reason. The children were playing a board game with Kyrie, while the others cheered on Dante or Nero in some kind of fighting game that Vergil didn’t bother looking at. He’d considered leaving twice in the last half-hour, but waited since he’d promised Dante a portal home.

Though that might be a promise worth breaking once he finished his coffee. 

Vergil’s eyes wandered out the window. It was never his intention to be the “downer” of the party (Dante’s words, not his). But things had not been simple since they’d returned from the Underworld. It was part of the reason Vergil had been hesitant to come back in the first place. Not because he didn’t want this… second chance. (He hesitated to call this new life such a thing, as he didn’t feel he was using it in any meaningful way). But because he had so many things to fix. The damage the Qliphoth had done surrounded him everywhere he went. His “relationship” with Nero was fractured at best, and shattered at worst. Then there were other scars… ones he didn’t dare think about.

So many mistakes. So many things to fix. Even Dante couldn’t tell him where to start. That’s something you’ve gotta figure out on your own, Verge. 

“Mr… Vergil?”

His eyes jerked up, and Kyrie practically shrunk back into the hallway. Vergil took a deep breath, annoyed at how painfully his heart hammered in his ears. “I… apologize.” He said, trying to ignore the way that Nero was staring at them from the other side of the room. Whether it was fear or anger in his son’s eyes, Vergil wasn’t certain. “It seems I was caught up in my own thoughts.”

Slowly, Kyrie nodded with a timid smile. Vergil didn’t know how much of his demon self he was exuding, though he had been trying to suppress it more in situations like this. It didn’t matter when he was out and about. But around his family… he wanted to be better. But from the way she was shaking ever so slightly, he knew he was failing at that too. 

“I just wanted to make sure everything’s okay,” She said.

He nodded. “Don’t concern yourself with my wellbeing.” Her eyes fell and Vergil silently cursed himself. What was wrong with that? That should have eased her concerns, not added to them. But Vergil had been wrong about a lot of things lately. “I’m alright,” He said, forcing a more gentle tone. It wasn’t perfect, but she did look at him again, so he was finally doing something right.“Please let my brother know that I will return for him later.” 

She nodded a second before Nero stepped into the hallway.“Everything alright, Kyrie?” 

“Of course,” She said with more confidence than before. “Just checking on your father.” 

Nero blinked as she moved past him. Vergil didn’t know if that was meant to be a jab at Nero, himself, or if he was looking too far into things again. And the look on Nero’s face told him that he wasn’t certain either. But when their gazes met, Nero’s eyes narrowed in suspicion. When he left without a word, Vergil knew he was no longer welcome.

--------------

Haven was quiet when Vergil stepped out of the portal on the edge of town. Though that was to be expected given the late hour. It was rare for anyone to stay out past sundown given the nature of demons and the like. And while Vergil did his best to cull anything that came near, one could never be too cautious. 

Tonight, however, he was going straight to Devil May Cry, read a book, and try not to ponder why he felt so… unlike himself. 

Sad. V’s voice gently corrected him. Vergil shook it away. 

“You’re quitting tonight?”

Vergil froze. Impossible. That woman was here again? Maybe she lived in the town, but he hadn’t seen her during Dante’s “meet and greet” he’d dragged Vergil on three separate times. And he was certain they’d visited everyone, as he’d nodded his “hellos” at so many people he was half surprised his head hadn’t fallen off. But she hadn’t been there, and he doubted she would donate to a town she wasn’t a part of. Everything outside of Haven was either badly damaged or abandoned. Dante had mentioned the “lucky few rich folks homes” a few miles away who’d made it out relatively unscathed, but with the number of demons that prowled the area, no one dared live there.

Vergil didn’t know why he didn’t walk away. He had no reason to listen in. No reason to have any interest in this person. Yet the exhausted smile on her face mixed with the clear pain in her slumped over body made his heart twist in an odd, unexplainable way. And while his mind urged him to try and talk to her, his stubborn side stopped him just around the corner. After all, why would she want to speak to him? She’d offered him a chance, and he’d ignored it. Surely after almost two weeks…

“Please, Taylor.” The woman’s voice was quiet. A normal human wouldn’t have picked up on the agony buried beneath it. “All I’m asking is for a couple more nights, and I’ll be happy to pay you extra for it.”

“I’m sorry, Roxy,” Another voice said. Vergil hadn’t realized the woman was on the phone to begin with. “I genuinely wish I could be there for you. But my daughter…”

Roxy bit her lip. “No, I know. It’s okay.”

“You have someone else you can call, right? I know you’re worried about another episode…”

Episode? Vergil didn’t know what to think of that, nor could he ignore the very, very, small twinge of concern when Roxy’s arms shook as she sunk further against the wall. “Yeah,” She said. “I’ve… I’m sure I can find someone. Take care of Meena.”

“Thank you… and I’m genuinely sorry.”

Vergil heard the beep of someone hanging up. Whether it was Roxy or the other woman, he wasn’t certain. But the hiss of pain as Roxy pushed herself off the wall was undeniable. “Well Aki,” She muttered as her hands clamped around the strap of her side bag. “Looks like it’s just you and me.” 

A quiet chirp responded, and Vergil was certain it had come from the same bag. A demon? He didn’t know for sure, but it wouldn’t take much to find out. So, forcing down his own misgivings, Vergil blinked forward. But as he moved to step in front of her, she stumbled to the left. He caught her before he realized what he was doing, and she pulled away in shock. Except she was still clearly off-balance, and barely avoided crashing straight into the wall. “Holy hell,” She said. “Where did you come from?”

He ignored her. “What are you doing?”

“Taking a break,” She said. “What else does it look like?”

Vergil raised an eyebrow. “A break from…?”

“My walk home,” She shrugged as she stood up straight. Her attempt at bravado was commendable but failed spectacularly when she spasmed in clear pain and leaned back against the wall. “It’s a beautiful night,” She continued as if nothing had happened. “I just wanted to enjoy the....” She paused with a quick glance upward. “Starless sky?”

Infuriating woman, Vergil thought as he narrowed his eyes. He didn’t miss the odd movement in her bag, no matter how hard she tried to hide it. “Where is it?”

“Up there,” She said pointing at the sky. “Where else would it be?”

Vergil was certain he was glaring at her now and was only mildly surprised that she held it without any trace of fear. “Your home.”

She paused, before sighing as her eyes drifted closed. “I live in a studio apartment just outside Fallen West Abbey. There’s a complex there that everyone in the town swears is haunted.” 

“That’s almost five miles away.”

“Yep.”

“And you’re injured.”

She flinched, and he wasn’t sure if it was the pain or the fact that she’d been caught. Maybe both. “This is normal. I’ll get better.”

“Before or after your walk?”

Another flinch. “On… Thursday? Probably?”

“Two days?”

“Give or take.”

What was wrong with this woman? Vergil wasn’t the most experienced with injuries (or whatever was going on. He didn’t smell blood, nor were there any broken bones or anything that he could see) but even he knew she wouldn’t make it that far. Had she planned on collapsing in the street and hoping for the best? Or did she truly think she could stumble across town, through an area known for demonic portals, and pass over five steep hills and everything would be okay? Or, perhaps even more idiotic, why was she talking to him, a man she barely knew who had (admittedly) appeared out of nowhere, so calmly in such a weakened state? 

How was she, unlike everyone else, unafraid?

Vergil let the silence lapse as he considered his options. Or, more accurately, as he tried to understand the thoughts rolling around in his head. The first time they met, she had interested him to some degree. Well-spoken. Appreciated the classics. Didn’t seem to judge (or even care) about his brash introduction. But Vergil still couldn’t escape that gnawing sense of self-doubt; something that was becoming more frequent and irritating over the last few months. After all the mistakes he’d made over the years, was it really fair to drag another human down with him? And what was the point in trying with her if he couldn’t even talk to his own son?

It’s the demon she’s got, He thought. That’s the only reason I care.

Even though he didn’t quite believe it, it was a good enough reason to move on. 

With a frustrated sigh, Vergil said, “I’ll make a deal with you.”

Her eyebrows shot up. “I’m listening.”

“We have extra rooms at our shop,” Vergil said. 

“Your… shop?”

“Devil May Cry.”

“You work there?” She said, “But…”

“You’re welcome to stay as long as you need,” Vergil cut her off. “If you tell me about the demon in your bag.”

Her eyes widened, and Vergil couldn’t hide the slight, and temporary, smirk of victory. “It’s not… like that.” A loud chirp made her scowl. But, she took a deep breath, stood up a little straighter, and said, “I’m fine. Don’t worry about me.”

She was crazy. That was the only possibility. And despite his annoyance at the entire situation, and the overwhelming urge to walk away and be done with her, Vergil blocked her path with Yamato instead. Her eyes flickered to the sheathe for a long moment before she sighed. “Of course you’re a demon hunter. Why else would you carry that thing around?”

“You won’t make it home like this.”

“Probably not.”

“Then do we have a deal?”

She glared at him. “You’re not allowed to kill him. He’s no threat to you.”

“I’ll be the judge of that.”

“Then no. I’ll walk.”

Vergil blinked and, for the briefest of moments, his mind went silent. “What?” He finally forced out. 

“My boy’s not a threat,” Roxy said. “He’s been with me since long before that tree, and the last thing I need right now is to lose him. So no. I’m not risking his life for a quick trip.”

Now, he was well and truly flabbergasted. “Do you honestly think you’ll make it?”

She threw one hand into the air as the other pressed back against the wall. “I don’t know but I don’t have many options at the moment, so I’ll take my chances.” She pushed past Yamato, leaving Vergil to stare blankly at the wall for far too long. 

This is pointless. If she wants to get herself killed, that’s her choice.

But his eyes betrayed him, drifting back to her as she somehow found her way down the street, using the wall as a strange sort of lifeline. And when she reached the end of one building, she took a deep breath, pushed herself off with a quiet grunt of pain, and stumbled to the other. And she kept going like that. Slow, but methodical. A stubborn, foolish… desperate…

Hadn’t I done the exact same thing?

The thought was sobering. His mind drifted to the fleeting remnants of his escape from… somewhere. He didn’t remember that part. Too many jumbled memories and nightmares overlapping each other in an endless loop of nonsense. But he did remember how he felt before he’d found Nero. Desperate. Exhausted. Hopeless. Alone. He hadn’t had a plan, but he had wanted so desperately to survive. And even after foolishly separating himself… he had still wanted to live. He’d wanted to be whole again, no matter the cost. And if that demon of hers, whatever it was, allowed her to do that… then what right did he have to threaten it?

Vergil’s hand tightened on Yamato’s hilt, before he snapped forward, blocking her way in a blur of blue. She jumped in fright, spasmed slightly, and glared at him. “Stop doing that!”

“What is he to you?”

“Why are you so fast?”

“Why are you so stubborn?”

“Why are we arguing when I don’t even know your name?”

Vergil didn’t like this constant feeling of bewilderment, and he still didn’t know why he was tolerating it. But there was something driving his own questionable behavior. If he knew what it was, he’d probably squash it immediately and be done with it. But his brain was dead-set on whatever this was. And if he’d learned anything from his time as V, fighting his instincts would only make things worse.  “I won’t harm him.”

She stared at him, surprised. That makes two of us. He thought. “You… promise?” She said.

Vergil twitched. “Must I repeat myself?”

A long moment of silence followed. Vergil simply watched, unbothered, as she shakily leaned against the wall and let her eyes close again. Her heart was beating out of control, much more than Vergil thought it should have been despite her struggle. Vergil tilted his head just slightly, not enough for her to notice, but enough to focus. Her breathing was raspy. Sweat was pooling on her forehead, and she was much paler than he remembered. “You’re injured,” He said. “Why?”

“It’s a long story,” She said. “But I guess I need a bit more help than I thought.”

“I offered you a deal.”

Slowly, she nodded. “Fine. Just let me...” Her voice trailed off as Vergil sliced open a portal and resheathed Yamato before she could blink. “What is that?”

“Go.”

“You want me to walk through it?”

Vergil huffed. “What else would it be for?”

She reached for it hesitantly, her eyes wide. When her hand brushed the expected nothingness, she jerked back. Vergil rolled his eyes. “It won’t bite you.”

“Well, I don’t know that!” 

“Just go.”

After another pause, she said. “I don’t suppose I can add your name to our deal?” Vergil didn’t move, and Roxy merely sighed in resignation. “Should’ve thought that part through, I suppose.”

“Vergil.”

She stopped mid-step, eyes flickering to his in a moment of confusion. “What?”

“My name.”

A quiet Oh slipped from her lips. “Well, mine’s…”

“Roxanna.”

“How did…?”

“The store owner,” He said.

After another slow blink, her eyes turned murderous. This time, no pain in the world could stop her from throwing her hands up to the heavens in pure frustration. “No wonder you never called me back!”

She flinched, hand reaching for her side in immediate regret. But her sudden outburst had, once again, rendered Vergil speechless. “What?”

“She ruined all the mystery,” Roxy muttered. 

And as she vanished through the portal, Vergil began to wonder if he was the crazy one.

[hollowphobia-casual]

The Amazing World Of Friendship Part MMXIX, The Return Of The Rising Awakened Empire

It’s that time of year again! The time I let down my defences and expose my emotions bare to all my friends so that I may thank and gush all over them, because despite my cynical hate filled shell, deep, deep, deep, deep, deeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep down I’m actually someone who just wants to be loved, maybe.

But joking and honest truths disguised as jokes aside, there is something I would like to say, most of the time.., I feel like I have imposter syndrome, not regarding my art and my work, but with my friends! I have SO many wonderful friends and I honestly love them to bits and yet every year due to work, time zones, time schedules or just my inability to start a conversation I don’t get to talk to them or they go neglected for ages and I hate that so much about myself. My friends, all of them, are such wonderful people and they deserve so much better than what I give them, I love you guys, so very much..., I’m sorry for being such a terrible friend.

THAT SAID! It’s time to embarrass these lovely losers by letting them know just how much I care, kukuku.

@articbleu​ [Twitter]

Hah! Speaking of friends whom I’m constantly feel like I am neglecting, where do I begin without feeling like I’m treading over the same ground? You are one of the many artists whom I consider an inspiration, your dedication, drive and sheer will is aweing inspiring, like, I dunno if I can ever get over how much I think about it, I remember a time where we were both almost at the same level and now you are off doing who knows what, last I checked, you were studying in Korea, which is awesome, I’m so happy for you. But when ever I’m working and I feel like I can’t achieve, I look to you and tell myself, I can do better. I dunno if we’ll ever talk like we used to, so much time has passed since we last spoke, I dunno if we are the same people and there are times when I look back on my past, things I said that I regret and wonder if maybe you shouldn’t be my friend, not because I hate you, but because there are better people than me, who are more deserving of your attention, admiration and so much more, but regardless of what comes and what may happen, you have been or are, my friend and I love you, please, keep shooting like the star you are!

@nightmargin​ [twitter]

Okay, imagine this, so you met this cool girl who likes to draw weird, amazing and beautiful things on Deviantart, you enter a character tournament two with them, you chat about anime and stuff, then just a few years later THEY RELEASE ONE MOST ACCLAIMED INDIE GAMES KNOWN, like Whaaaaa-, there is not a day that goes by I don’t see One Shot stuff like, wha-, I dunno.., and she’s still making stuff it’s fucking incredible, WHY ARE MY FRIENDS SO TALENTED.., hah, go damit didn’t want to be melancholy.. ..,But like, shit, I just want to support my friends and let them know how much I give a shit, just how impressed I am, how happy for them I am but truth is I hardly get to see them, which is not your fault, you are making games, doing art, and having to be a social media presence, it’s exhausting, I understand, I just hope you know that I care still, that when I see your characters around the web, in fanart, in VRchat and other places, it makes me SO happy, I just want to hug you and let you know that you are doing an amazing job and that I couldn’t be more proud of you, I hope you know that.

@doodlediddy​ @doodledittydaisy​ [Twitter]

AAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!! Okay so, this is a friend where neither of us are to blame for staying out of touch because, HOLY FUCK YOU HAVE A BABY! AAAAA, you made a little person and they are so cute! On the rare occasion I go onto the hellsite that is Facebook, I get to catch glimpses of you and your lovely child, whom I terribly do not know the name or gender of A+ friendship right there, but yeah, GURL, you have an infant and they are precious, I don’t blame you for a second for not being in touch, it feels so weird, not too many years ago you were talking me off the ledge and then you got married, then you got baby fat AND NOT IT’S ESCAPE! I’m so happy for your family, fuck, that’s so weird, it’s YOUR family, not your family, YOUR FAMILY! AAAAaaaaa!

@mistercrowbar​ [Twitter]

I MET HER!, I MET HER!, I MET HER! No you guys don’t understand, I MET CROWBAR AND IT WAS FUCKING AWESOME! We looked at beautiful lakes, we watched netflix, We ate burgers, looked at destroyed cranes, went to Ikea, watched more netflix, bought DnD stuff, ate more burgers, tried a beaver tail, more netflix, talked about lobsters and my little pony, looked at fossils, got mad at the ocean, yelled at drivers, more netflix… It was great, I loved it, would sleep on the floor again, 10/10. But Okay so I know that many people would think of Crowbar as intimidating, she’s not an emotionally open person I know, but to be honest it just makes friendship with her special, getting to know her on a level where you can read her is something that is truly treasurable and I’m so lucky to have that, she’s a unique person to love and that’s what's so great about her, she isn’t like everyone else, I wouldn’t change her for anything in the world…, okay maybe I’d allow her let me hug her more so I can tell her how great she is and she can’t flee, haha. I know I get on her nerves sometimes and I’m probably not the best friend on her list, I mean, I’m guessing, but considering how I measure up to some of the other people she knows, I can easily see that, I mean who knows thow, maybe I’m not a tier friend and maybe just a different friend and I just.., haha, I dunno why I obsess over this, how important I am to my friends, maybe because I just want them to be the happiest they can be and when I know I’m depriving them of joy, I question myself. But I am happy for what happiness I do bring to her, the moments I’m useful, when I am needed or just enjoyable company, those are the best moments for me, I’d give anything just to hear Crowbar laugh once every day, that’s how important of a friend she is to me.

@valbey-the-girl​ [twitter]

THIS ASSHOLE! Has been with me since I can remember, which probably annoys him, because I’m not the easiest person to friends with, specially of late, my mood has been all over the fucking place, I’m happy, sad, depressed, angry, frustated and yet he doesn’t complain…, that I know of.., and in return.., I send him lewd christmas gifts that make his parents question him and his life choices. Haha, friendship. But honestly, I like that about him, he’s one of the true people I know that makes me feel like we have a ‘normal’ friendship, we are not overly affectionate, we can speak openly to one another and we don’t like all of them same things and all I want to do is make him laugh and find a game that I’m good at and that he sucks at, because god damit, he seems like he’s an expert at everything, fuck you! I know times right now are tough for you, I can’t imagine it’s easy, shits going down at home, work and there is some asshole asking if your free once every Saturday so you can pretend to be a dwarf, just know if you need anything, you can always ask me, you’ve been there for me, don’t forget I’m here for you.

@dansome0203 [Twitter]

Don’t say how you are terrible friend because you haven’t been talking to him much, you say it every year, Don’t say how you are terrible friend because you haven’t been talking to him much, you say it every year, Don’t say how you are terrible friend because you haven’t been talking to him much, you say it every year,... -checks Script- “I’m a terrible Friend..” FUCK. -inhale- The man I look to for inspiration on cute girls and large boobs! God, I only really got to know this guy at the tail end of my Deviantart carrier before the big move to Tumblr and even then it was less a ‘WE ARE FRIENDS SWORN TO A BLOOD OATH’ and more me oddly poking him now and again, trying to start a conversation failing miserably, a tradition that would continue for about…, nine years…, nine years.. God I am a terrible friend. But enough about my inability to simply converse with people, what can I say about this Dan, he’s fucking great to start with, on the odd times I do actually get to talk to him I know he is nothing more than a chill dude who creates a lovely and warm atmosphere around him that draws people in, he has a fantastic sense of humour which is only equaled by his creative flair, no I’m not talking about the boobs, but more his designs for his characters, colour choices and so much more, I am honestly not joking when I say that I look at this guys work for inspiration from time to time, because I find his designs just that appealing and insightful. I would love for nothing than to just sit in a call with this guy and talk shop, or talk, or anything…, I wanna love you Dan, let me love you!

Gwyn Graham

And right of the gates… I FORGOT WHAT THERE TUMBLR USERNAME IS GOD DAMMIT! So for once me being a bad friend is entirely my fault!, we’ve always had a rocky time zone/schedule conflict even when we use to play DnD with each other, because life sadly, is not easy, fuck I wish it was. But also sadly I dunno what you’ve been up to, I dunno how you have been. I hope you are well and happy, did you get date? Are you on the lamb for murder? Who knows, but I like to think you are happy, I hope you are, I wish that you are.

@taplaos @tapliciousart [Twitter]

I bought three shirts from you and my father ignored the washing instructions so they are now basically ruined.-sigh- That said they are some amazing fucking shirts, so gonna try and be less of a downer here, but yes, like most of my friends, I am terribly out of touch with this wonderful person, HOWEVER, they have been fucking busy, designing some of the sickest Pokemon related merchandise I’ve ever seen, two things immediately come to mind when ever I see their amazing work up on my twitter, one… Why have Nintendo/Game Freak issued a take down notice and second, WHY HAVEN’T THEY HIRED YOU and I don’t mean that in a fanboy sort of, I love you pay attention to me sort of way, I actually mean that, your designs are so appealing, humorous, creative and at the same time, family friendly, like, there is such a demand for Pokemon related merchandise and you are just popping it out like nobody's business, christ, you are too good at this, it’s why I really need to sit down and talk to you about helping me design T-shirts at some point. Honestly, if you haven’t, go check out their stuff, seriously, do it, DO IT NOW!

@tuz-ohtopia @dm-tuz [Twitter] [Patreon]

When I started out I was ‘aware’ of Tuzzy, but I didn’t really know him, it wasn’t until I started getting involved with DnD that I started to know him and that was because he was the DM of my two other friends, so sadly I can never say that me and Tuzo have had the strongest of friendships. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying I dislike Tuzo, I think the guy is great, the times we’ve actually spoken it’s been fantastic and talking shop with him was always a highlight, but it just.., amazes me, how I guy I barely knew went from a simple background presence to almost being everywhere I look. For you who don’t know, Tuzo is now a DM for hire and even has a Patreon where he offers up custom monsters, tiles and such, it’s so amazing to see how far he has come, it’s great, even if he has an unhealthy obsession with a lesser version of DnD, haha. I’m so proud of him and his unbound campaign is so enjoyable, experiencing it though his players is incredible and the assets he creates are outstanding, I just wish I had his time management, because I can not create assets to the same level or detail he does. This man has inspired me as a DM, an artist and a creator, and I don’t know if he is even aware that he has done that, Tuzo, keep doing what you're doing, because it’s amazing.

@nickala [Twitter]

Nicki’s Twitter describes her as a wannabe concept artist and an actual scientist and I’m probably the reverse haha, a wannabe scientist, god I love Nicki’s job, I really should talk to her about it, but then again I dunno how much of it she is allowed to openly discuss, she is after all handling human remains, so… I’ve mentioned it before, but I love Nicki, she makes life, make sense and it’s great, but more importantly than that, she’s just.., fantastic, funny, caring, but human. Like she feels so relatable with how she expresses herself, everything comes with a little frustration, a little guilt and honesty, which might sound like a weird thing to admire, but there are so many people these days who want to be fake, they want to be these, ideal versions that don’t exist, trying so hard and it becomes, exhausting and almost impossible to talk to them, because they wear a mask and you don’t know what their true intentions are. But not with Nicki, they talk and you can feel that raw emotion, it’s so satisfying to read text, to hear a voice and just know the complexity of a person, it’s refreshing and I cherish it.., even if I don’t talk to them that often.., I’m a sham of a friend -cries-

@mortooncian-art [Twitter]

I just met this lovely gal this year and…, I’m as bad with talking to them as I am with Dan…, I hope it doesn’t continue for about nine years…, I don’t want to be awkwardly skirting conversations at 37.

Sadly I can’t say much of them as a person, mostly because I’ve only really gotten to meet them this year, the aforementioned being a terrible person/friend, but I can talk about what drew me to them, because I was always aware of Thren? Mortoon?...uh.. Oh god I dunno what to call them..FU- I had always been aware of them since Deviantart and their art was appealing I just never made the leap to try and talk to them, because COWARD, it wasn’t until sometime last year, I can’t recall who but someone was reblogging their work, I believe it was Dan or Calien, it was from his DnD session and her little tiefling was just.., so..fucking CUTE! I loved her and wanted to know so much about her and looking into her work I found more and more cute loveable characters, and I dunno how to describe it, but her art just has this beautiful, cute and sexy charm to it that makes you just want to.. LIKE AND REBLOG IT… So after that, I just wanted to get know her, it seems so stupid thinking about it, liking someones art you think to yourself, hey I want to know this person on a personal level and maybe talk to them! And then, you get it and you clam up due to your social awkwardness and inability to manage a time schedule, haha.. But yes, I’m so glad I’ve been given a chance to talk to her, maybe if time allows it, I won’t screw it up in getting to be her friend.

@clauseart [Twitter] [Webcomic]

Yes, my fellow british artist whom I constantly compare myself against to measure my self success and my constantly conclude my lack of value… ...That’s not a joke I really do do this. Enough about me, I’ve mentioned it before with a few.., or most.., artist here, met on DA and look at where they are now, this girl, this them, this BEAST, started out with a crazy pinwheel and appearing in almost every OCT (Original Character Tournament) you can think of and now, they have an amazing webcomic about an amazing buff ginger and a kid whom I dislike (I’m sorry, I just wanna punch him,). Also a DnD character who seems from a distance seems like the drunk aunt who hates her family children.., I dunno I know nothing about their character and I really should ask someone, but if I’m right I want a gold star. But regardless, I am so proud of them, their creativity and artistic skill seems to have nothing but skyrocketed since the end of the OCT era of our lives and the dawn of tumblr, not to mention the just general progression of their comics, which I will leave a link to and if you don’t read this super funny and amazingly well drawn comic I will.. I really want to say more about them, I do! Sadly, I consider myself a friend, but I dunno if I even have that right, our friendship was very, distant, not in a negative way, but more like someone you chat to in a tescos (For any curious americans think Walmart), and now, I feel like I’m just a one man cheer squad. And honestly, I am okay with that, I get to see them improve and feel proud for them and they have a wonderful life as it is, what's more to want?

@lou0 @hunnylou0 [Twitter]

Lou has been one of my longest…, acquaintances? Okay I’m not saying that Lou isn’t a friend, I mean, I consider her a friend, but I’ve known her since I rejoined DA under the name Clockworkable, since then she’s been a source Joy, laughter, inspiration and to some extent a free expression, but, I could never feel like I was her equal or at least a friend, we were never close, despite how I tried to be.., she’s a difficult person to talk to, which isn’t her fault! Nothing ever seems to go her way, which.. Pisses me off so much, because she’s just a nice, beautiful and kind person who just deserves nothing but affection and I’d love to give it to her, even if it’s just a hug. But I know it can be hard.. That said, I’ve gotten the chance to really talk to her, getting to know her, the true her and it’s as wonderful as you’d think it would be, she is a true expression of her art, joyful, cheeky, funny, playful and kind, sweet, brutally honest, but that’s never a bad thing in my books. I dunno even now if I’m a good friend to her, I dunno if she’d even think of me as one, but I am happy that I’m a little bit here for her, more than I was before, I just want to make her happy.

@sunshinedrago [twitter]

Don’t be friends with this woman, it starts off small like “Oh, would you like to play Final Fantasy XIV?” and then the next thing you know your talking to scottish fairies and questioning your life decisions. I met this crazy spanish.. “ITALIAN!” Italian woman about three.., maybe four years ago? I can’t even remember how we met, like I know we met because we needed someone for a DnD game, but I can’t recall if it was me she contacted or someone else, haha, I’m getting old. Either way it doesn’t matter, because I’m so happy that I did, she’s encouraging, kind, sympathetic, honest and joyful, but more importantly realistic and down to earth, this woman is not a pity party and has introduced me to some of the most important anime and shows I could imagine, as well as help fueled my addiction to some games, a few years back I’d never played an MMO and now look at me...a broken shell of my former self…, obsessing over loot drops and glamorous for a fictional 3D bunny girl…She’s also one of my more active and talkative friends, which helps with my crippling depression haha, I dunno what else to say, It’s not like there isn’t a lot to say, just that I’ve said it over and over again, she’s a great friend and someone I wish I knew sooner, she feels like a friend I’ve always had, but I only met three years ago. Yeah.

@jabbage [Twitter]

What can I say, Smart, dedicated, driven, focused, talented, learned and amazing… ...Yep…, not just saying that because I am terrible friend…, not another example of not staying in touch with people, made worse by the fact they live in england…, nope…, are you buying it yet? I want to talk about how they inspire me, how they fuel my motivation, but sadly I have to just slap myself and twitter, because GURL never appears on my dash, but just.., THEY’VE WRITTEN SO MANY STORIES! H-how! I just.., I can’t get one webcomic done, I am so proud of her because of this, I should just be able to say that, but I don’t want to, I mean I do, I am proud, but I always want to talk about them as a person, I wanna mention times they’ve made me laugh, made me smile, but there is only a fleeting moment in a minecraft server sometime ago and… I am so sorry, for being a bad friend, but you don’t really need me to enrich your life.., JUST LOOK AT ALL YOU’VE ACCOMPLISHED! You are so amazing, one woman army, just AAAAA, so great! I love it, I love you, keep being amazing!, don’t stop! Burn bright, burn far and burn hard! Go!

@flunafloon [Twitter]

I can’t say how much of a bad friend I am again.., please, she deserves better than me, here is the link to her Etsy store.

@daco-taco [Twitter]

God I have a bleeding heart.., I say because I don’t really know Daco, hell I dunno if I even register as ‘friend’, I’ve followed them since Deviantart and I loved their art, for the most part I was content to be just that and then…, I just saw them upset, and fuck me, haha. I hate that I hate people being in pain so much I dunno why it destroys the core of who I am.., so now I’m in a discord server, or trying to be, feeling constantly judge, because I want to make someone happy and I dunno if I am even doing the job. Haha, what does that say about me?

Charanty 

I want to say a lot about charanty, I want to say we were great friends, I wanna say we talked from sunrise to sunset, I want to so badly.., dumb ideas we had, silly jokes we shared, moments of confusion, anger, tears.., bliss, regret.. But sadly I can’t, not that I don’t like them, no no, Charanty is amazing, but like something truly amazing, they are never around all the time, which sucks, because they are truly amazing, creative, beautiful in their mannerisms and perfect in their imperfection. I wish I could enjoy them more often.

ChubbuChu

I have many friends whom I want to be happy, Chubbu probably more than anything and sometimes I blame myself for their sadness, I know I am not the root cause, but I can still blame myself for moments of silence, moments of stupidity and overall not trying harder. Chubbu is.., affectionately irrational and down to earth, the best of times they are infectiously fun to provoke, play with and tease, while at the same time being caring and hopeful, I’ve only had the pleasure of knowing them for this year and even still it feels like I’ve known them longer, but I can’t wait to get to know them more as time goes on, I hope I do, I wish I do.

@hypertronic [Twitter]

Hyper…, Hyper.., “Your a terrible friend again aren’t you?” I mean.., YES, okay so Hyper started off as someone who was a fan of one my characters and since then I’ve had the pleasure of being taken out of the limelight and watching them grow into an amazing artist and COMIC CREATOR, AAAAA, so Park Of Plutonia, Hyper’s comic was a silly little RP group that was on DA, but look at it now! The amazing world she had hidden away in her head, now for you to read and I really recommend you go read it, especially if you want something different and unique, I really want to say more than just ‘go check out her comic’, I really do.

Mon

-breaths- “You were a bad friend again” GOD DAMMIT, YES! You know the saying never meet you idols! Because all you will do is upset them and make them judge you, HAHAHHA, SO! I became aware of Mon thanks to a small show I’m pretty sure NO ONE has heard of called Critical Role, they drew fanart for it quite regularly and I loved it! I even commented on their stuff from time and time, but there wasn’t much to it. Then I had a friend drag me into the world of FFXIV and to my surprise I met Mon…, after like a week or ten before I realised who she was, how would you describe Mon as a person? Like a rabbit doped up on sugar and caffeine, especially when she’s tired, cause then it’s like x2, what I’m saying is Mon is excitable and positive, which sadly doesn’t really gel well with my down to earth, grumpy I hate everything because I can’t act cute attitude that I’ve cultivated. So despite how much you’d think we are friends and how amazing and creative she is, we clash a lot, and honestly I feel like I am just WAITING for the moment, where she declares she has had enough of me and just throws me out of the friendship circle, because…, I know that not all people gel and sadly as much as I want to, I feel like I’m bringing her nothing but pain and I don’t want to do that, she’s creative and amazing, as well as so positive, she doesn’t need someone like me hurting her all the time.  

@spookydraws, @spesiria, @totalobelisk, @ssksscrapboard, @horrorjuice, @riyamilea

“More friend’s you have trouble staying in contact with?” Mmm.. “Amazing wonderful people who you’d love to talk to for days on end, but you are always just too busy for them, too involved in yourself to even say hi?” Yeah.. “Are they even your friends anymore? Are you worth anything to them, I think at this point you should do them a favour and unfollow them, because in the schemes of their lives you aren’t exactly making an impact are you? If anything you slow them down, maybe you are just slowing everyone down? How many more of you ‘friends’ are going to be added to a stockpile of names you can just gush over, because you don’t know them as people anymore, they don’t impact your life and they probably haven’t had a second thought about them?” …, I just think they are amazing people who need to be recongised for how talented and beautiful they are, life is hard and the voices in our heads can be fucking disgusting to us, so everyone just needs a moment, a person to just hug them and them, I love you, I dunno if you even know me but you are so important, don’t forget how important you are and just how meaningful you are, I’m probably just a stranger to you, but you have never for one second not been important to me in some way, I hope you are happy and that you live every second of your life knowing that you are loved by atleast one person. Cause in the end, that’s all we really want isn’t it, we just want someone to tell us that they love us, that we mean something to them, that we are important.

@phantomdotexe [Twitter]

The living definition of too kind for her own good, it’s both your best quality and your worst quality. An amazing talented person who’s managed to influence a small cults worth of people under the ideal of one uniform symbol and then gets upset how she hasn’t done anything with it. I love you to bits, your drive, your kind nature, but at the same time I worry for you, you have so many self defeating thoughts and worries, all stemming from your lack of respect for your own skill and your ability to try and please everyone at once, which can especially be seen with the ‘everyones opinion is valid’ If you made short stories based on your vision or merch, you’d make money in no time, but as it might contradict with someone else's, you don’t. Now I know this is meant to be a ‘I love my friends’ thing, but the truth is I do, I love you so much, but at the same time I have to tell you, you need to stop fretting, you always worried about other people, asking when they are going to bed and such, but then you are equally as bad of the same thing, burning the candle at both ends, rather than trying to resolve any of your problems. As someone who cares, let other people worry and focus on yourself, see you strengths for what they really are and go and make bank.

Plasma-Dragon

Only had the pleasure to speak to you twice on live streams, mostly knew you for your art, I dunno what I can really say? Here, you’re a new friend and I can’t wait to get to know you more… Man this was short.., fuck.., I really wanted to say something else…, uh.. .. .... ....shit

Lady Violi

Man, I wish I drew more personal projects like you did, haha, Okay so, a bit of honesty, when I first saw you on DA I have to be frank and say I didn’t think much of your art back then, but I am so happy to see not only was I proben wrong, but your art had grown incredibly sicne there, no just in scale and scope, but in detail, colour, it’s fantastic, is there places it could use improvement, yeah, but no one is perfect, but that’s enough about you creatively, what about you the person!

Well like I said I didn’t think much at first, but as time went on I became a little intimadated by you, probably cause of my own guilt more than anything else, but, doesn’t really matter, I’m just happy we actually talked, because discussing things with you is always a high light of my day, I’m so eager when your online because have such a nice easy and approach manner of conversation that’s infectious to me, and I love it.

And the best part! It’s only been a year since we started talking, I’m so excited how we’ll grow in friendship as time goes on, I know it’ll be worth it!

---

And.., that’s it, If you actually read through all of these and not just your own, I’d be surpruised, but I’m happy I wrote this, even if my arm hurts, things needed to be said, apologises needed to be made and love needed to be shared, thank you all.

[hiddendreamer67]

The Sanders Games- Part 3 (The Alliances Begin)

(Find a link to previous parts in my reblog, and updates are on Fridays.)

Pssst...also, I know most of my followers are g/t trash, and this is just humans, but this is my murder baby and of course don’t feel obligated to do anything if this ain’t your cup o’ tea but if you’re at all interested please consider reblogging and leaving comments. I just want to know if people actually like this and it’s worth sinking in the time.   😅 

Summary:  In the 75th Hunger Games, only one male* tribute is chosen from each of the twelve districts. As the tributes begin their training, alliances are formed and enemies are made, including what may be a change in the all-so-important annual career alliance.

(story starts beneath cut because there’s a mention of blood but in this chapter we’re still not in the games yet so no actual violence).

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Emile looked down at his lunch, some sort of fancy meat dish made by the capital with a red sauce. However, as the burgundy liquid pooled, Emile couldn’t help but picture it as blood. And then it became his blood, and his fingers were covered in it and it wouldn’t stop coming and a career was cackling over him ominously…

“-mile?” Patton’s gentle voice finally broke through his daydream. “Can I have my arm back?”

“Oh, sorry.” Emile winced, letting go of Patton’s arm. He wasn’t aware he had reached out in the first place.

“It’s okay.” Patton assured him, feeling the eyes of the Peacekeepers watching them. “You didn’t hurt me.” It was against the rules for a tribute to harm another before the games, but thankfully Emile’s nails hadn’t dug deep enough to do any damage.

“Thank goodness.” Emile gave him a soft smile. Patton was such an unlikely find. Emile had never expected to make friends coming into the games, but here he was- actually having fun goofing off with someone just days before he was going to die. What a crazy world they lived in.

A sudden gasp from Patton startled Emile out of his daydreaming. “Oh, my goodness gracious, you know what I just realized we are?”

“…tributes?” Emile tried, hoping Patton hadn’t somehow gotten brain damaged. That would certainly hurt them in the games, where they had already decided to form an alliance.

“Glasses bros!” Patton squealed, tilting his glasses up and down for emphasis.

“Oh my goodness, yeah!” Emile chuckled, having not noticed that. “I guess we are.”

“We should grow our little glasses alliance.” Patton hummed, looking out at the lunch room that was slowly dwindling as tributes went back to training.

“Uh…are you sure that’s a good idea?” Emile winced.

“Why not? The more friends the merrier.” Patton shrugged, seeming aloof.

Yeah, more friends you’ll have to watch die. Emile kept that thought to himself. He already knew he was going to die, but at this point he was just rooting for Patton to survive. Emile knew Patton was too pure to win the games, but he was also too pure to be slaughtered like this. A perfect ray of sunshine that was doomed to be covered by storm clouds.

“What about that one?” Patton tugged Emile along. “He’s wearing glasses. Er, sunglasses. Hello!”

“Ugh, unsubscribe.” Remy, the district nine boy, rolled his eyes and pushed right past them towards the door.

“…I don’t think you’re going to find anyone like us.” Emile admitted. Everyone in the games either was a Debbie downer waiting solemnly for execution, or…Emile shuddered…a career. How terrible to think there were kids his own age who actually wanted to murder others and had even volunteered to be here. It made Emile’s stomach churn.

“Oh wait, he’s wearing glasses too.” Patton pointed to the boy from district three, now sitting alone. Patton walked right up, sitting across from him. When the boy didn’t react, Emile hesitantly followed suit.

“Hi there!” Patton stuck out his hand. “I’m Patton.”

“District 11.” The tribute corrected, clearly not caring for naming his fellow tributes.

“Patton.” Patton repeated, sticking his hand out further. The boy didn’t look up, continuing to fiddle with a device in his hands. Slowly, Patton lowered his hand. “What’s your name?”

“Seems irrelevant to learn the names of individuals I will only know for a few days.” He finally gave them a glance. “I suggest you adopt the same philosophy.”

“Um, do you want to join our alliance?” Emile asked timidly.

“Hardly.” He scoffed.

“O-oh.” Emile shrunk back in his seat. Of course, Patton was undeterred.

“We’re calling it the glasses bros.” Patton informed him. This gave him pause.

“You approached me because I wear spectacles?” He looked up, raising a judgmental eyebrow.

“Yup, we figured us four-eyes have to stick together.” Patton giggled.

“How quaint.” He turned back to the device. “Perhaps your little alliance will spare you for a few days, but it would cause you less pain to submit during the initial massacre.”

Emile reeled back, shocked at his blatant attitude. He wasn’t the only one.

“What is your problem?” Patton frowned.

“It’s our reality.” The boy shrugged. “I don’t understand why you’re attempting to make social connections when we’re nothing more than glorified sacrifices.”

“Well that doesn’t mean we have to act like it!” Patton huffed, frustrated tears coming to his eyes. “You’re so cruel. If we’re all going to die, we might as well die being nice to each other!”

“Patton, c’mon.” Emile hurriedly tugged Patton along, not wanting to cause a scene. “We should get back to training.”

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Peter looked around the training ground, eyeing the competition during the second day. The careers were in the middle of the room, at the weapons station while showing off. Everyone else was cowering, choosing the frilly stations like first aid or plant identification instead. Well, that certainly wouldn’t do. The careers had been hogging the axe station yesterday as well, and Peter had his own flexing to do.

Of course, if he was planning on making enemies (which he was), Peter knew it would be best to make an ally or two as well. He smirked, spotting his target already trying to secretly eye him.

“Hey, kid.” Peter greeted, walking up to the Capital’s little poster boy. An alignment with him was sure to win Peter some favors, not to mention the bonus that there was no way a runt like that could ever turn on him. “What’s your name again?”

The kid gave him an odd look, slowly pointing up to his purple hair. “…Magenta.”

“Oh yeah, you’ve got the whole matchy-matchy thing.” Peter smiled. It was a tacky look, one Peter found particularly distasteful, but Magenta didn’t seem to0 fond of it either. “I’m Peter. Want to be Allies?”

“My mentor said not to make allies.” Magenta eyed his hand wearily.

“Well your mentor’s full of shit.” Peter shrugged. “I figure, you get us sponsors, and I’ll make sure you don’t die.”

“Until you stab me in the back.” Magenta muttered.

“Hey, come on, I’m serious.” Peter pressed on. “I’ll prove it by showing you my secrets. You ever thrown an axe before?”

“Uh…no.” Magenta admitted, looking over Peter’s shoulder at the axe station. “But the careers have a monopoly on that station. You can’t exactly go over there.”

“Sure I can.” Peter turned on his heel, ignoring the way Magenta sucked in a nervous breath.

Peter waltzed up, joining the boy from district 2, Nate if he remembered. Nate growled at him, but Peter didn’t back off. He knew despite Nate being taller and bigger he wouldn’t dare start a fight in the training room. No, the mess-making had to be saved for the training field.

“This station’s taken.” Nate informed him.

“Oh, is it?” Peter pretended to look surprised. He picked up an axe, hefting it in his hand. Being from the Lumber district, it felt familiar. “You don’t seem to be using it.”

“I was just warming up.” Nate huffed, reeling his arm back to throw. However, before the axe even left his hand there was a sharp thud of metal embedding itself in wood. Where Nate had been aiming Peter had lodged his axe, a perfect bullseye.

A clattering was heard behind him, likely that Prince boy dropping his sword in shock. Peter smirked, pleased to see the look on Nate’s face was just as satisfying as he had hoped. If Nate hadn’t wanted to tear him to shreds before, he definitely wanted to now.

“Too slow.” Peter teased, quickly waltzing away. He didn’t want to push his luck, now that he had accomplished his goal.

Peter made his way back over to Magenta, grinning at the way the kid was gaping like a fish. This time, when he stuck his hand out, all Magenta did was give it a good shake.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“That boy made a fool of you.” Deceit observed, looking across the cafeteria on the second day. Nate gripped his silverware tighter, bending the metal.

“I’m aware.” Nate said through gritted teeth. The event was still fresh in his mind, having occurred just moments ago. “You don’t have to keep reminding me. The second we hit the field, his ass is mine.”

“What, are we claiming kills already?” Roman gazed around the lunchroom. Most of the other tributes sat alone, or in sad little clumps trying to form alliances as if that would save them from the career pack. “I call…12. And 9. Ooooh, no no no, 8.”

“As if you’re going to get to him before me.” Nate smirked, looking him up and down. “Poster Boy is mine. And I bet I get twice as many kills as you.”

Roman let out a princely noise of offense. “I’ll have you know, finesse is far more valuable than brute force.”

“Maybe for a ballerina, not for a victor.”

“Blasphemy!”

Deceit groaned, putting his head in his hands. He was surrounded by idiots.

There was a clattering next to them as someone put their tray down at their table. All three careers looked up, watching as the boy from district 3 sat down. He did not even acknowledge this was a strange occurrence, starting in on his lunch.

“…can we help you?” Roman said finally, leaning away from the non-career invading his privacy.

“Yes.” The tribute said, setting down his sandwich. He stuck out his hand, unperturbed at the way Roman grimaced at the offered appendage. “Logan Ward. Pleasure to be working with you.”

“Is this your way of trying to join the popular crowd?” Nate raised an eyebrow.

“Not trying, succeeding.” Logan said, once again ignoring the way Nate scoffed at his statement. “District 3 is among the wealthier districts and has not been unknown to participate in the career pack.”

“Is that why you volunteered- to get near me?” Roman teased, batting his eyelashes. “Sorry, but I’m not accepting secret admirers now.”

“That statement is ludicrous; how would I possibly know you were reaped when the reapings don’t go public until after they are all completed?” Logan frowned at Roman.

“Okay, can’t take a joke, noted.” Roman rolled his eyes, turning back to his own food.

“And why exactly should we accept you into our ranks?” Deceit leaned forwards, looking at Logan intently.

“I doubt you’ve received the same training it takes to get to our level of skill.” Nate pressed on, following Deceit’s lead and leaning in. Even Roman perked up, listening intently in a not subtle fashion.

“Disregarding the fact that preparation prior to the reaping is illegal, and the fact that there are numerous occasions where career training has proven to only work against tributes in actual competition, I assure you I am an asset.” Logan explained. “The games are a system of augmented reality. Every item that can be interacted with is, in one way or another, tied to the Capital’s grid, which I have been studying for the past several years.”

“Oh yeah, you’re from the nerd district.” Roman snickered.

“Yes.” Logan gave him a slight glare. “I’m from the ‘nerd’ district. Technology and electronics.”

“Every tribute from district 3 must have been doing the same thing.” Nate narrowed his gaze. “What makes you so special?”

“This.” Logan pulled what looked to be a modified teaching pad stolen from the training room. Before the careers could ask any questions, Logan was typing away at it. “Anyone who controls the grid, even the smallest chunk of it, controls the game.”

Suddenly, the cafeteria was plunged into darkness. A few screams were heard, the other cowardly tributes frightened by the change. Peacekeepers were shouting, trying to get the situation back under control. Nate couldn’t help but be impressed, thrilled by the single moment of chaos. He wasn’t the only one.

“Well, well, well.” Despite not being visible, it was obvious Deceit was grinning. “I think I speak for everyone when I say, welcome to the team.”

Two hands met in the darkness to give a firm shake.

[ravens-rambling]

You’re Perfect Just The Way You Are

A/N: I’ve actually done this a while ago and just remembered about it ha XD whoops! Hope you like it!!! We need more Remile in our lives I think. 

summary: Emile loves Remy with all his heart and soul. He loves every single thing about the sarcastic flirty man who always makes him laugh no matter what... So why can’t he enjoy their kisses like how normal people do?  

WC:��2,486

ships: Romantic Remile, Mentions of Romantic Prinxiety 

warnings: Nervousness, Mentions of PTSD, Mentions of NSFW, Anxiety, Transphobic, Asexualphobic (idk what its called I think that's right?), panicking, Mentions of Abuse

Tag List: @punsterterry @frostedlover @stormcrawler75 @mutechild @mycatshuman @panicattheeverywhere15 @thewinterbookqueen @analogical-mess

Picani took a shaky breath as cold lips were pressed up against his own. He closed his eyes as he tried to let himself enjoy this. He really tried. But his entire body seemed to spasm in disgust at the contact. His mind was screaming at him to run away and never look back.

But he can’t do that right? This is Remy. Remy isn’t like the others that he’s been with… Right?

Remy is kind and caring sure he can be a bit…much sometimes but…would he not like it if Picani says no to this? Heaven forbid if Remy knew about his secret plus his asexuality would he leave him?

Just like everyone else before?

That thought surged through him and it took every single fiber of his being not to cry right then and there. Luckily he was a decent actor as Remy didn’t catch on to his internal struggle.

They were sitting on a park bench watching the snow lazily float down around them. Most people would consider it romantic. There weren’t many people around having it be a bit later in the day and having it being so cold outside. Luckily both of them didn’t quite mind the cold, only in Remy's case for his eyes.

This is the fifth time Remy has done this just today, Picani has counted, and every time sent so much disgust through him he can’t even put it to words. And every time Remy hasn’t noticed a thing.

It really wasn’t his fault, why they have only been dating a couple weeks now their one-month anniversary coming up really soon. And it’s not like Picani has ever told Remy his sexuality beforehand, he's never had the chance. No, Picani doesn’t blame him. He blames himself.

Why his previous relationship only a few years ago was…rocky, to say the least. The guy kept thinking that he could ‘change’ Picani's mind about his sexuality. He thought that he was too simpleminded and that if he didn’t do the things that he wanted he’ll leave him.

Emile didn’t want that. He did love the guy he truly did. He didn’t want to be alone again, he didn’t want to be by himself again. He did want that comfort of somebody there to hold him when he’s sad or vise versa. But he just didn’t want…that.

So he forced himself to stick with the guy and that only crumbled under his feet when during one night of their…'sessions’ he couldn’t take it anymore. He ended up crying with the guy on top of him. And at first, he completely ignored his cries until he was shaking so badly that even he couldn’t enjoy himself.

That was when he snapped.

That night was a night he really wanted to forget.

And every time Remy kissed him all he could think about was him. Even his previous relationships, though wasn’t as bad as him, always gave him weird looks when he squirmed away from kisses or any of the like.

Even his parents called him a freak for not liking kisses and not having anybody for such a long time. Plus when he came out as trans they really weren’t happy with him.

He didn’t want that pressure back on his shoulders. But he felt maybe Remy was different. He was cute in many ways than one. With his sunglasses and dark chocolate brown eyes. With the leather jacket that always makes him look like he stepped right out of an action movie. Of his smile that was always a smirk, a devilishly handsome smirk, that played on his lips every time he spoke. And of his charm that he always carried with him, his witty humor that always made him laugh even during his darkest days.

He loved Remy.

So why does he only feel disgusted every time they kiss?

Was there something wrong with him?

Did he truly not love Remy?

Was he just playing Remy into some manipulative game?

Was he becoming like his ex?

His throat tightened up at that. It took all his willpower not to tear up as he tried to smile through the kiss. This was a rather long one…

But what finally made him break off was that his stomach did a very uncomfortable twist.

When he turned his head he tried to give a smile back though he knew it turned to more of a grimace. Great, he couldn’t even do that now. Remys gonna catch on and leave him and-

“Babe? What’s wrong? Are you cold cause if you are we can cuddle you know I’m as warm as the sun.”

Picani chuckled and looked up to him through his bangs. Yeah… He always has that nice charm to get him to smile. And that look of worry on his face… Stars above, does it look believable.

What was it that he always told his patients? Sure it can be rough but holding it in will only damage you more? Yeah…. No wonder why all his patients always said its easier said than done.

“Yeah, I’m cool as a cucumber, love! I guess I am getting a bit chilly. Though I would love to cuddle with you, my sun, I think it’s about time to head to that cafe, no?”

Luckily Remy bought it. “Gotcha! Thank gods it’s been like hours since I’ve had coffee. Almost a record for me! I need my seasonal depression.”

Picani giggled as Remy stood up and offered him a hand, gladly taking it and not letting go he smiled, “And I’ve told you it’s not good having so much coffee. So that’s good for you, love.”

“And I’ve told you you are a deepy downer! How can I enjoy winter without my Carmel frappe? Such dishonor!”

“Dishonor on you! Dishonor on your cow!”

“…. Did you just meme me? That’s a me move!”

Picani giggled again, “No I swear I didn’t. It’s from Mulan can you blame me?”

“I suppose not.”

Yeah, they really did click like two peas in a pod. Like Sapphire and Ruby. So why can’t he enjoy their kisses???

It didn’t take long for them to arrive at the cafe it being only a block away. The entire time they held hands and talked to each other, well more like laughed at each other. Picani almost didn’t want the tranquil moment to end.

The familiar bell rang through the place and he blinked at the all too familiar sight of teens huddling by the corners cramming in all the homework and studies they could possibly get. The smell of coffee hit him and he smiled. This is where they first met and he still loves this place with all his heart. It was almost like a second home to him.

“Remy. Picani. I take it you want your normal?”

He looked up to be greeted with the familiar sight of, well, bangs. Bright stark orange bangs were really all Picani could see of his eyes. Ah yes, Toby!

“Hey Tobs! What’s up, Babs?”

Toby glanced up and shrugged, “Nothing much as normal. Now, what do you want? I would rather this get moving along please.”

Ah yes and the normal roughness. Though Picani and Remy still smiled, they got used to this ages ago.

“Hot chocolate as always please!”

“And Carmel frappe babe.”

“Yes, the normal like I said. You guys are predictable as always,” He rolled his eyes and huffed as he turned away.

Once both of them sat down waiting for their drinks they chatted a bit more. Remy instantly grabbed on to Emile's hand once again and had both of their hands on his lap. It was mindless chatter for a bit until Remy suddenly leaned forward as if to kiss him again. Emile sucked in his breath as always when this happened but before their lips could touch Remy backed off a bit.

Shocked eyes met serious ones as Remy lowered his sunglasses a bit with a finger. Emile gulped Remy never is serious. Ever.

“Babe? What’s wrong? I can see how uncomfortable you are when I kiss you. Was it-”

“Remy! Emile!”

Their drinks were called Remy got up to get both of their drinks without a single word leaving Picani shocked and speechless. Remy figured it out. Now he’s going to leave him. Now he’s going to be left alone again. Now he’s-

“Gurl? You okay?”

Emile whipped up to see Remy standing right next to him both their drinks in his hands. He set them down while taking his seat and looked back to him with a frown.

Gently he grabbed both of Emile's hands and glanced around at the people around him for…something? Maybe it was to see if anyone’s around? Why would he look for that? Is he going to break up with him?

“Breathe babe I got you. What’s wrong? Is it something I’ve done girl or?”

“No! Heaven’s…no it’s not Rem…”

“Then why? I don’t mean to make you uncomfortable love. But I gotta know why.”

Emile gulped loudly. He could feel tears on the edge of his eyes threatening to leak down. But no he can’t cry. Just keep breathing. Keep breathing. You have to tell him soon or later it’s not right to keep it from him. He needs to know….

“Um… You remember my last boyfriend?”

Remy nodded, “Yeah you told me you guys broke up after a fight.” His eyes looked sad now, “Was it something he did? I’ll go after that bastard if he did-”

“No… No… I… It’s not like that… I..” He gulped loudly again and glanced to the table. He didn’t want to see Remy's face now.

“I’ve never told you why we fought did I?”

“No… Not that I can recall, love…”

“It… It was…. It was cause I’m... I’m asexual…” He spat out the word as quickly as he could, maybe Remy won’t have heard him. Maybe he can get out of this quickly somehow.

Then he didn’t hear anything. Very slowly he glanced up to Remy only to see he was opening and closing his mouth. But his expression made his heart sink. He looked heartbroken. So sad and concerned.

Emile's never seen Remy like this before. Normally he always keeps his composure. He wasn't quite sure what he was so sad about, however, did he felt sad that he couldn't have kisses anymore? He was definitely going to break up with him now.

Finally, Remy breathed out, “I’m so sorry….”

Well, Picani wasn’t expecting that.

“W-What?”

He felt gentle warm hands cup his cheeks and when he looked up he saw Remy nearly was on the verge of tears.

“I am so sorry… If I known… I’m so sorry for making you uncomfortable like that… You two broke off cause you're asexual and he didn’t like that, I guess?”

He shook his head, “No… He kept…trying to change my mind so he called it…”

His grip tightened on his cheeks not by much though he made sure his hold was still gentle. Remy's eyes almost turned to fire before Emile.

“I will kill that bastard for you, babe.”

He wasn’t upset at him. He wasn’t going to break up with him….

Emile swallowed, “Please don’t… He… I… It was my fault I mean… I don’t know I just… I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry. God love don’t ever be sorry. I’m just glad you told me before we went any further. Heaven forbid if I found out the hard way.”

“Yeah… Properly won’t have uh…been the best I guess.”

His hands fell to Emile's hands as he now gently held his that gentle warmth spread throughout his hands and arms. They sat like that in silence for a moment until Emile spoke up again.

“I was afraid… of telling you…”

He could feel Remy's eyes on him as he continued he knew if he didn't say this now he might ever be able to, “I was afraid that you were gonna break up with me once you knew… Or be like him… Not even my parents were very accepting of it so I just sorta figured you would be like that. I’m sorry for thinking like that. Guess it’s like the Avatar gang when accepting Zuko huh?”

Silence for another moment then his grip tightened.

“What did I say? There’s nothing to be sorry about babe. Not even your parents were accepting?”

“…no…”

Then a deep sigh.

“I have a killing spree to get to apparently. Babe, there’s nothing wrong with being asexual. Why I know somebody who’s asexual.”

Picani's eyes widened and he turned to him, “You do?”

“Yeah. My brother, Ro's boyfriend? V something or another. The emo like Toby? He had a really rough relationship with this bastard and uh…it wasn’t pretty at all properly like how yours ended and after that even the thought of any of that sends him panicking. PTSD I guess it’s called?”

Picani instantly nodded. Yep sounded like some patients he’s had. Maybe he can talk to this V person to help him out sometime?

“So it’s nothing new for me. And honestly, now that I think about it you never liked that kinda talk huh… Guess I’m blind and stupid…”

“Now Rem your none of those things. I just..hid my feelings too well I guess. It’s not your fault.”

“I feel like it is though! I could see your entire body tense up and how it looked like you wanted to run the second I lean in. I should have figured it out sooner! I should have…” Another loud sigh and he looked at Picani straight in the eye, “I’m sorry, babe. I’m so so fucking sorry.”

Emile breathed out and smiled, “And I keep telling you there’s nothing to be sorry about. Why don’t we both stop blaming ourselves and enjoy our drinks alright?”

“I guess… You okay with cuddling? I could use your cuddling right about now…”

Picani smiled and opened his arms, “I love cuddling with you, my sun.” Remy smiled and dove into his arms curling his face into Emile's neck and chest. Emile wrapped his arms around Remy and with his gentle lips kissed his hair. They stayed like that for quite a while them both sipping their drinks and soon or later brought out their phones. They were at peace with one another now.

That was until Picani mumbled into Remys hair, “And I’m trans...And autistic.” He tensed up still though, his mind started racing again he couldn't help it apparently.

Though he felt a shrug, “I don’t care love. Don’t like the nickname 'ma'am’ or 'gurl' then huh?”

Emile shivered and shrunk back at that name, “No, please.”

“Gotcha. Love you, Em.” He kissed Emile's chin and smiled looking up at him. “This okay?” Emile smiled brightly and hugged Remy closer to him, “It’s perfect.”

[hey-hey-chan]

Afraid of Falling - Changbin

❀ Comedy, fluff, college!au

❀ Word Count: 3.2K

❀ Starting a school year isn’t easy, especially when you swear off boys for the entire year. When an annoying, yet attractive, guy moves in across your dorm, that promise becomes harder to keep.

❀ a/n: HAPPY BIRTHDAY @changbeanie AKA MISSUS RUBY !!! I LOVE U SM AND THANK U FOR BEING AN AMAZING FRIEND AND AN AMAZING LIFE MENTOR FOR ME !! I LOVE U !! :DD and pls follow my advice and find a nice manz in college. or at least dont be afraid of it ;-; 

“New year, new problems.” My roommate said. She was unpacking all her clothes and dumped them into her respective closet. I shook my head at the debby downer. 

“Ok true, but you didn’t have to say it out loud.” I noted. 

I was in my sophomore year of college and although I was excited for the new experiences, I knew the school year was going to be hardest than the last. Especially with my new internship that I’ll have to be working around my homework time. 

“Of course I did. Hey, did Seolhyun message you if she’s here yet?” I checked my phone and of course, I saw the message from the girl.

“Yes, she texted that she was going to be late ‘cause she had to pick up a burger...on her way to move in day.” My other roommate, Jimin, just let out a chuckle. 

“Sounds like Seolhyun.”

It was my second year with these two girls and I would’ve have it any other way. We were practically family now. 

“Hey, I still have some stuff in my car but I have to unpack this, could you-” Before she could finish her sentence, I was already putting on my shoes.

“Fine, Jimin, but you owe me.” She gave me her signature puppy eyes while I strolled out of the door. Jimin could be extremely lazy at times, but I wasn’t gonna turn down seeing new freshmen hussle into their dorms. 

As I was turning the corner, I felt my body crash into a firmer one, sending me back to hit the wall behind me. My tiny body fell to the ground at my weak legs.

“OH MY GOD! I’m so sorry!” I heard a deeper voice say. I groaned in pain  from the collision, but once I opened my eyes, I felt myself stammering over my words. 

The boy in front of me had bright eyes and a mischievous smile, but his eyes looked genuinely worried about my well-being. 

But I was supposed to be pissed at him. So I glared at him. Or tried my best to.

“Um, it’s fine.” I dusted myself off and turned to the staircase. 

“Wait!” He called out. I whipped my head around politely, but felt the urge to run away from this boy who made my heart skip a beat. 

“Yes?” The boy gave me a small smirk and extended his hand to me.

“I’m Changbin, I think we live on the same floor?” He then pointed to his dorm and I saw it was right across from mine...great. 

“Y/n, and yup I guess we do. Well, I have to go pick up some stuff for my roomie, but I’ll see you around?” I said nicely. Changbin gave me a slow nod and waved me off. Before he could say anything else, I ran off, practically sprinting to get Jimin’s stuff. 

I felt my heart pounding uncontrollably in my chest like I was some kind of 16 year old girl, yet I couldn’t help the attraction I held for the random boy. I shook those thoughts away. 

“Relationships are terrible. Stick to the plan and you’ll get things done this year. You have no time for a stupid college romance.” I muttered to myself.

The more I muttered these words, the more I believed them. So I will keep muttering them. 

As I walked back up from my friend’s car, I felt my disappointment when I didn’t see Changbin. I ignored the disappointment in my heart and walked into my dorm. 

Once I walked into, I saw 3 unexpected visitors. And one of them was Changbin. Great. 

I immediately saw a happy Seolhyun who was leaning against her bed with a bunch of bags in her hands. 

“Y/N!” The girl ran up to hug me and I felt myself awkwardly wrap my arms around her. 

“Hey, who is this?” The three boys gave me small smiles, making me feel weird at all the attention.

“Oh! This is Woojin, Chan, and Changbin! They live across the hall from us!” Before the girl could even finish talking, Changbin butt in.

“Yeah, and we were just asking if you guys were coming to the movie night in the commons this evening. They’re showing Crazy Rich Asians.” Immediately, my eyes lit up.

“Oof, you spoke the golden words. Y/n loves that movie.” I turned a bright red as Changbin cooed, but I pulled myself together. 

“I mean, who can’t? It’s such a cute movie and even though it has a crazy, unimaginable plot, it’s all about family and shows normal values and struggles regular people have.” Once I stopped talking, I realized how much I rambled and everyone was staring at me. I combed my hair to the side and made my way to my desk. 

“So I take it as you’re coming?” 

“Yes.”

----

Soon, the clock hit 7:49 PM, meaning it was time to head down to the commons. 

“So, you and Changbin?” Jimin teased. I refused to let my anxiety show, so I shrugged her off. 

“What about me and Changbin?” I retorted. Seolhyun scoffed and grabbed our keys from one of the shelves. 

“Seriously? He is totally into you?” I knew my cheeks were a light blush, but I ignored it.

“I have no idea what you’re talking about. He’s just being friendly.” Jimin let out a hum of disapproval and shook her head. 

“Yeah right, the boy was practically drooling at you, it was lowkey disturbing.” 

“He was not drooling. That’s gross.” Seolhyun shrugged.

“It was something like that.” She noted. 

Before they could say anything else, we arrived at the commons. I saw groups of girls gossiping to one another and a few familiar faces scattered the hall, but before I could look any harder, a familiar face popped up once again.

“Hey, you made it.” Changbin noted with a smile. I scanned his outfit and noticed he was wearing all black, just like me. He had a tight black t-shirt on and black joggers, paired with black Nikes. I had on an almost identical outfit. 

“Yeah, um, I told you I was coming? My favorite movie? Hello?” I teased. Now it was his turn to blush a light pink. Now I felt nervous.

“True. But I don’t know, some girls I know like to cancel plans randomly.” I shrugged and gave him a serious stare.

“Well, I’m not one of those girls.”

“Hello? Is this mic on hehe?” The MC, who I noticed was Chan, moved the mic closer to his mouth, making the familiar high pitched echo resonate throughout the room. Even I flinched at the noise. “Ooops! Well, hello all of you pretty faces! I’m sure all of you know that we will be showing the famous Crazy Rich Asians!” The whole crowd cheered, including me. 

“We will be getting started shortly, but please, get seated and be kind to your neighbors so you don’t ruin the experience for them, ok? Ok!” Chan hopped off the stage and went to plug in something to the big projector. 

“He’s a character, huh?” I almost forgot the boy was standing next to me.

“Oh, Chan? Yeah I mean, he’s interesting but he seems nice.” I said truthfully. Changbin took a swig of his Coke and nodded.

“That’s exactly how I would describe him.” The boy then looked around, making me do the same. And then I realized my friends ditched me. Great. “Hey, wanna grab a seat?” I nodded forcefully, still angry my friends left me with some random guy. Like what if I didn’t like him? What if he was creepy?

I took a seat next to Changbin, carefully avoiding his body so we wouldn’t get any awkward body contact. 

“You want anything to eat?” I shook my head politely, even though I really wanted some popcorn. 

“Nope, I’m fine.” 

I was simply just too lazy to get up. Soon, the movie started, which thankfully ended the chat between Changbin and I. 

---

The movie was ... more uneventful than I thought. I avoided all conversation with Changbin during the movie because I hate when people talk during movies. Thankfully, the boy didn’t really talk either. 

When the ending scene came on, tears were filled in my eyes and I casually wiped them away so I wouldn’t seem sensitive. 

“Are you crying?” The boy teased. I quickly turned my head.

“Yes! It’s sad so what if I’m crying?” I spat. 

The boy sat up from his laying position and stared at me with a curious glint in his eye. “Hey girl, slow your roll. I was just asking. You’re a pretty crier.” He noted. If my cheeks weren’t already so red, I would be blushing. Thank god I was crying.

The lights came on and everyone was a tired mess. It was only 11pm yet I already wanted to crawl into my bed. 

“Hey, so..” I heard the boy start. I tensed up at his voice. “Do you like, wanna hang out sometime?” 

Wait, what? 

I felt my heart tense up even more and a chill ran down my spine out of nervousness. What do I say? Do I say yes? I just met this guy like this morning!

“Umm... sorry I’m just not looking for a relationship.” I blurted. Right as the words left my mouth, I wanted to take them back once I saw his hurt expression. “I mean, it’s nothing with you, it’s just...”

“You.” He whispered softly. I nodded sadly. 

“Yeah just-” 

Suddenly, I saw the familiar figure float by, sending my body into a mini shock. 

Changbin quickly caught onto my anxiety and looked behind him. “What?” I shook my head, my eyes not leaving the person.

“N-nothing. It’s fine.” Changbin raised a brow at my pitiful excuse. 

“You sure, it’s doesn’t-” He was cut off when I felt my body jump back out of reflex at the dude. Changbin turned around and looked in the direction of my eyes. “Your ex?” He whispered. I gulped and nodded. 

“You still like him?” 

I scoffed and shook my head harder.

“Hell to the no. He’s just a total creep and weirdo. I hate him oh God why is he here?” I mumbled quickly. Out of nowhere, the heathen started to walk in my direction. “Oh shit.”

“Is he coming this way?” 

I nodded slightly, trying to avoid how close he was getting. I felt my heart pound, wondering why the boy was coming over here. 

“Ok, sorry for this.” 

Before I could ask any questions, Changbin’s lips were on mine.

Wait.

What.

The kiss was gentle yet passionate, making me want to run away yet stay planted for a long, long time.

Where the hell was this boy my whole life and why does he kiss so well?

Before I knew it, the kiss was over when he pulled back softly, still a close distance from my face. 

“Good?” 

I shakily looked passed him and nodded. “Good.” I whispered out.

Suddenly, the situation seemed too real for me. My heart was beating out of my chest and my hands were turning cold. What is wrong with you, y/n? You’ve only known this guy one day. 

“Hey, are you-”

“Sorry, I have to go.” I quickly picked up my purse and ran upstairs, passing all my friends and people trying to say hi to me. 

I quickly ran into my room and shut the door quietly. I ran my fingers through my hair and tried to calm my labored breathing. 

“What the hell was that?” I whispered to nobody. My goal this year wasn’t to make friends or a boyfriend, it was to stay focused on school. And here I was. Standing in the middle of an empty room only thinking about the boy’s lips on mine. I shook away the thought and crawled into bed. “That was fun while it lasted. But you have better things to worry about.”

I slowly closed my eyes and fell asleep, swearing to myself I would never talk to the boy again. 

-----

The next week went by somewhat smoothly. I didn’t get lost on my way to classes and I didn’t get alone with Changbin once this week.

Soon, the sun went down and the sky was dark, signaling it was time to get ready for bed. 

“Hey, y/n, wanna go brush up with us?” I looked over at the two girls but waved them off. 

“Nah, I gotta finish my essay first.” I muttered. I couldn’t focus on anything else when I was in my zone. Typing was pretty much the only thing that made me happy, and I was writing about a topic I was passionate about. 

“Suit yourself.” 

The night went by and finally, at 2am, the essay was finally done. I set down my coffee and stood up. Knowing I wasn’t going to get any sleep tonight, I got up and went to use the bathroom. I left the room quietly and brought my toiletries with me. I carefully shut the door, hoping I wouldn’t wake the other two up. 

I walked into the girl’s bathrooms and did my nightly routine, feeling groggy and awake from the coffee- it was a weird feeling. 

I rubbed my eyes and slowly walked back to my dorm. I dug through my pockets to look for the key. 

Shit.

I 

forgot 

my 

key.

“Oh my shit.” I muttered sadly. Now, I felt fully awake and ready to cry. How could I have let this happen? “That’s the last time I’m drinking coffee that late.” I mumbled. 

“Y/n?” 

Oh great. This night just keeps getting better and better. I closed my eyes and forced a smile. “Hey, Changbin.” The suspicious boy raised a brow and looked at me and then at my door. 

“You’re locked out.” I crossed my arms, mirroring his stance. 

“Ok, so what if I am?” I said with a higher tone. Why does he have to be here? Out of all the nights? 

Changbin leaned against his door and rolled his eyes. “Nothing, I wasn’t gonna say anything mean.” I said nothing to his words as we both stood in complete silence. Talk about awkward. 

“Well, I was actually on my way to the cafe. You wanna come with?” I raised a brow at his statement.

“A cafe? It’s 2am!” I exclaimed quietly, careful not to wake the others. Changbin gave me the familiar smirk and shrug that made my heart flutter. 

“You have something better to do?

----

The cafe was brightly lit which made me squint to stare at my coffee. I twirled around he little wooden stick and ignored Changbin’s intense stare. The boy was wearing a black shirt with a blue flannel on the outside. He was wearing his familiar black beanie and black joggers as well. He hadn’t changed. 

I took a light sip of my coffee, careful not to spill. “So, why have you been ignoring me?” He deadpanned. I choked. I covered my mouth with a napkin to hold in the hot liquid. 

“Um, what do you mean? I haven’t-” 

Changbin interrupted me by scoffing and leaning back in his chair. “Y/n, I’m not stupid. I know you’ve been avoiding me and...” His voice trailed off, leaving me on edge. “And I don’t know why. I swear I thought we clicked right away. I would’ve have kissed you if it made you uncomfortable. I’m sorry.” He apologized sincerely, but I could tell he also felt a bit awkward and a bit upset with himself. 

I shook my head quickly. “No, no, it’s wasn’t that. I mean, sorta, not really.” I sighed and leaned in my chair. “It’s complicated.” I mumbled. Changbin raised a brow and fiddled with his coffee. 

He said nothing and I’m not sure if I wanted him to, because I spilled m feelings anyways. It was 2AM and I was feeling quite open.

“Ok, so basically, um, the kiss...wasn’t bad.” I noticed the smirk on his face and narrowed my eyes at him, but said nothing. “But...” I sighed. 

He chuckled softly. “But is the worst word in the human language.”

“But I’m just...not ready for a relationship right now.” I said quickly, hopeful not to hurt his feelings. Honestly, I wasn’t even sure if I was lying or not. I’d never expected a relationship, but with Changbin, I wouldn’t be upset about exploring one. 

Changbin sighed and leaned back in his chair. “Is it ‘cause of your ex?” He asked. I nodded slightly.

“Well, some about that, some about just...I don’t know, I don’t feel ready.” He raised a brow. “I guess I’m afraid I guess.” I whispered softly. 

I wasn’t sure why I was telling him this. Probably because it’s so late-or early- and my mind was all jumbled and emotional.

At my words, his face turned hard, but then loosened. I wasn’t sure what he was thinking. 

We sat in silence for a moments while he took a big gulp of his coffee. My hands were shaking, I don’t know from the caffeine or the anxiety. 

“You know,” He started. “You shouldn’t be afraid of love.” I ignored his words and mindlessly traced the designs on my mug. 

“Everyone is. It’s normal.” I said truthfully. 

“I’m not.” The boy proclaimed proudly. I scoffed and shook my head. “Serious, I’m not. I love love. I love falling in love. I love being in love. I even love just loving.” The boy confessed. I felt my cheeks go deep red by him saying “love” so many times, but I hit them with my sleeves.

“Even if someone doesn’t love you back? Even if someone hurts you? Do you even love then?” I asked softly. 

I heard the worker in the back shifting around, filling up the empty silence. The clock was ticking louder than usual as I was waiting for his response. 

Then, like I expected from Changbin, he laughed heartily and gave me a sweet smile. 

“You plan on breaking my heart, y/n?” 

I felt my cheeks heat up and I laughed awkwardly to cover my awkwardness. 

The boy chuckled and shook his head. The boy opened up to say something, but my phone buzzed loudly. He gestured to me to look at it.

‘dude, where tf are you????’ I shook my head at Jimin’s question.

‘i got locked out im a doofus. at a cafe’

‘alone??’

‘no.. with changbin’

‘..... come back whenever u want. i’ll leave ur key outside. im going back 2 sleep’

‘thanks jimin!’ 

“Jimin’s awake.” I noted. The boy stood up and pushed in his chair. 

 “It’s late, we should get back now anyways.” I nodded, tossing out my empty coffee cup. 

“You’re right.”

The walk back to the school wasn’t long, it was merely a close 5 minutes, probably even shorter because of the empty roads. Soon, we reached our building and were doing that awkward goodbye thing couples do. Expect we weren’t a couple. Not yet. I shook that thought away. 

“No.” I jumped in shock at his random outburst.

“W-what?”

“No I’m not scared.” He looked at me intensely. Usually I would want to run away, but this time, I just wanted to keep this stance. I didn’t feel scared with Changbin, I just felt...at home. Like this was completely normal. 

“I’m not scared of not being loved back. Because my biggest fear is not trying at all.”

At those words, he gave me a small smile and unlocked his door softly. 

“Good night, y/n.” 

I gave him a smile and mustered up the courage to grab his hand and squeeze it, surprising him.

“Good night, Changbin.”

[my-hero-academia-writings]

Can I please get a scenario with Toshinori? Like his s/o has just been very depressed and trying to socially isolate herself because she fears she’s not good enough for anyone? Sorry for the downer, just kind of been in that type of mood recently

(Sure! I’m not sure if this is too good though forgive me!! I gave it my best shot! I haven’t written a full scenario in ages.) 

~~~~~~~~~~

You had been in your apartment for two days now.

The weather outside had changed quickly, though you wished your emotions would as well. The rain reflected your current state of mind quite well as it pattered against the glass window you were looking out of. The streets weren’t busy outside, only a few couples were walking underneath the cover of their shared umbrella. 

Turning away from the glass, you glance back to your phone that was resting on your desk that had lit up with another notification from your boyfriend. You would silence the device but with his line of work you always left your notifications on in case something happened. 

Dating the number one hero was mentally taxing on you, at times. Not only were you fearful one day he’d come home completely battered and bruised, but you had no clue why the top hero would ever date someone like you. You barely thought you were anyone… You were a nobody, in your own mind. Nothing special at all, unlike the fantastic man you had fallen in love with.

A light tapping at your door cut through the silence of your apartment, and you frowned, not wanting to deal with whoever was here at all. Standing, you brush your slightly tangled hair out before walking over to the door, already having a good idea of who it was before messing with the locks. 

The door opened to reveal Toshinori, his long, white shirt slightly wet at the shoulders, hair flattened a little from the rain. His look was one of pure concern, and you turned away from his sad eyes as you made space for him to move inside of your apartment, closing the door behind him as he stayed near you.

“(Y/N)…” He mumbles, and you frown, still refusing to look at him, instead starting off at the white walls of your apartment.

“I have been worried. Are you ok?” He tries, and you frown, walking back over to where you had been previously sitting, leaving him to follow, his brow furrowed at your behavior. Didn’t he get you wanted to be alone? 

“I’m fine. Shouldn’t you be out doing cool hero stuff?” You huff out, not trying to sound as sharp as you had with that question. He had more important things to do than hang around with you all day. His life had an immensely important purpose and yours? Was nothing. That’s all you could possibly think it was. 

“I… ran out of time,” He starts, and then walks over to stand in front of you, taking your hands into his own, looking down at you with his bright blue eyes, a soft look of worry on his face. “I’m more concerned about you. I’ve been messaging you. Please. Tell me what’s wrong so that I can help you.” His voice is low and caring, gentle unlike the emotions that stirred in your mind.

“You shouldn’t have to be concerned about me. There are more important things.” You meet his eyes, and quickly glance away, knowing you couldn’t handle staring into the eyes of someone who cared so much but just shouldn’t. 

“You are very important to me. Of course I would be concerned. Please… What is wrong?” He tries, a supportive smile encouraging you to open up a little, and your brow furrows, frustration over his lack of understanding getting the better of you.

“What’s wrong? You shouldn’t be concerned about me because I’m nothing. Do you get that? I’m not good enough for anyone! You’re the top hero. And me? I’m nobody.” You try to ignore the well of tears in your eyes that threatened to spill onto your cheeks, resorting to looking down at the tiled floor so your love didn’t have to see you like this. 

Soft, bony fingers placed themselves under your chin, slowly pushing your head back up to look at Toshinori once more, a sad look on his face as he had taken in the words he wish he could completely get rid of from your mind.

“You are everything to me.” He nearly whispers, and the gentle passion of his voice has your tears slipping down from the pools of your eyes. He lets go of your hands and pulls you into a hug, secure, but not tight. A hand rubs slow circles into your back as the other places it onto the back of your head, his thumb massaging your scalp lightly. 

“B-but-” You start, but your lover only shushes you soothingly.

“Never think you are not good enough for anything in this world.” His voice interrupts your negativity. As you stood there, in the careful caress of the man who thought you were his whole world, you wondered, maybe you certainly thought you weren’t good enough for him. 

But perhaps it wasn’t up to you to decide that.