#not the ' i dont care about you you are selfish and emotionless' 'you cant say that bc you cant do anything without me you talentless jerk!

[hitsuyou-fukaketsu]

so true

[psiiwatt]

I've realized over time that I am a really shitty person. I seem to have this probably where I cannot stop talking when I need to. And it's not in a funny way. It's in an embarrassing, stupid way that makes others uncomfortable. I am sorely lacking the kind of filter that makes you think about the idiotic or inappropriate things you might be about to say. But when I force the filter, I dont talk at all. I become this public introvert that is focusing so hard on not saying stupid shit that I forget to be nice to people. Because I have to remind myself that I cant be rude or mean. I cant be blunt and cruel. I need to be polite and kind so I'm not being a jackass. But more often then not, I forget.

Not only do I have a lack of that kind of filter, but my brain is going so fast constantly that I dont understand others emotions fully. I try to so hard but I cant comprehend emotions in general. To me, they are useless and frustrating. They get in the way of everything that you wish you could do in life and I could go without them. But if emotions go away, so do all the people I hold dear. Because they dont want to be around an emotionless island of a person. And I dont blame them for that. So the solution would be one of maybe 3.

#1 would be get back on some good strong pych meds and hope for the best. Though medicication hasn't always worked for me in the past because half of medication is you working on things too. Making a change so the meds will work properly. You cant be a pessimist and force depression because it's your natural state of being now.

#2 would be force myself to control every emotion I have even though I have no idea how to do that at all. And the concept doesnt click in my head. Explain it how ever you want Mr/Mrs therapist. It's not clicking. How do you control something that you've been told all your life "you cant control how you feel. You just feel it. It's okay to feel that way."?

And the maybe #3 would be to check into a hospital for a few years but I've heard it goes down hill really fast with hospitals. Or join the military, because maybe I just need some discipline. Its helped others weaker then I become stronger then I could ever hope to be. But it has also caused even more problems with the world that I dont actually care all that much about. Just enough to not want to make it worse.

I think that my clear selfishness and jackassery is a sign that I dont know how to be a real person. I know I'm not a psychopath or a sociopath, but I'm not normal. Average. All I would like is to be an normal average person who doesnt have so many bad problems, but the sad truth is this is now average. The average person has something mentally wrong with them now because we arent all pretending the world is going great and America is the greatest. Because it's really not. The world is going to hell and everyone's content with sitting thin the fire. Because it's better then when's going on in our heads. (Sorry about this small rant.)

All in all, I'm not a good person, as hard as I try to be. Because I dont want to be the person no one can stand to be around. I may be an introvert but I do need human affection and some accnolagment at times. I also realize none of you care about who I am or when you just read if you got this far. And that's okay. Because I dont care if you do or dont read it. I just needed this off of my chest where no one knows me.

[horsegirl4000]

REAL EYES REALIZE REAL LIES

[themaraudingmisfits-blog]

Advice you probably shouldn’t take

DISCLAIMER: The following decrees are spewed by the mind of a highly unqualified twenty something who has zero knowledge about philosophy and even lesser tact or wisdom to dish out sappy quotes and is totally against self help books and thinks rainy days in her jammies with hot cocoa is what it feels like to be “zen”.

Since I don’t have a fairy Godmother who turns pumpkins into carriages, life sorta continued sucking till I learned these things the hard way and I though hey, why not bug you guys with it and maybe some unhappy soul  who is ambling around in this big bad world might actually find it useful but then again since it’s me, it’s advice you probably shouldn’t take...

#1.My first decree to all you humans and non -alike-THOU SHALT BE AWESOME!!

Don’t ever be any less!!

Don’t go down gently!!

Be relentless!!!

Raise hell!!

To all the haters who tell you to be less weird or less loud or to live by the rules or to be part of the flock…tell all of them to fuck off!!

We struggle with the whole of our being to get through each day, with bad coffee and late passes and F’s on pop quizzes and broken hearts , why make it harder than it already is by trying to fit in? Why be a different you? Why must you listen to the dont’s and the cant’s and the shouldnt’s  and all those other frownie words?

Take your life by the reins and charge into the world with your oh so special souls coz you have one freaking life and you have to make it count as the sparkly person you are!! Be proud and awesome!

Be confused, be gay, be a lesbian, be emo, be a blob, be anything and want everything because you deserve nothing less and you are enough for yourself!!

#2.QUIT

Whaaat?? What is this crazy chick saying? The whole world tell me to keep going, to keep trying ,quitters never win and all that bull and one fine day she comes along and tells me to quit?

Yes, I just told you to quit.

Quit doing what you don’t like LOVE !!

Don’t do it coz your best friend does it, or it’s been in the family or that’s what your sister majored in. Stop taking those guitar lessons you hate, you don’t have to watch GOT or listen to profane songs or put on make-up. Stop doing all those things unless you absolutely sure as hell love doing it. Coz you’ll have been whiling away your time, missing out on things you love. Do you really want that for yourself?

If you dont’ stop now then soon you’ll be stuck at a desk job typing in numbers and missing out on doing some volunteer work or taking snake charming lessons or gorging on barbeque flavoured bagels in Northern California so quit now and run off , getting the hell away from what was holding you back,

 #3.It’s okay to say NO!!

I’m one of those people who cannot CANNOT say a decent NO to anyone even if it means doing something that makes me miserable or if it means having to walk an extra kilometre to go get that person’s favourite kind of popsicle even if she’s been a total bitch to me my whole life,I multi task, I take on stuff, a gazillion things with the complete knowledge that I know I won’t be able to go through with it but I’m going to use my yet to be discovered powers and what happens at the end? I mess up, I’m unhappy and grumpy and I compIain about what was originally my fault because I was a wimp who couldn’t muster up the single syllabic no.

But you know what? You are not super human, most of us are struggling to be barely human, we cannot do everything, that whole “anything is possible if you believe “ is total BULLSHIT!! It’s not, you can’t complete your assignments and study for that test and still have the pulsating energy for that party next door. So don’t go for it unless your brain says HELL YEAH!!LET’S DO IT!!

#4.PEOPLE  HAVE  EXPIRY DATES!!

Yea you heard me right...I said people not the can of soup that has been growing some sort of suspicious looking green stuff(which by the way you should stop hoarding!!).

Not worth it to-be stuck in a unkind, possessive , abusive, snarly ,jealous ,selfish…basically pick any word from Webster’s which associates itself with a generally unhappy state of mind relationship…those people should be dead to you by now.

IT’S TIME FOLKS!!IT’S TIME TO MOVE ON!!

Move on from friends who treat you like crap, from boyfriends who treat you like crap,from girlfriends who treat you like crap…you are not crap!!

No more abusive words, no more long sleeved sweaters to hide your black and blue skin, no more should you feel unloved, unwanted or undesired, no more lying and tears. Let’s not make our lives into a second production of sad soaps coz grass is definitely greener on this side of life where there’s only love, trust and respect and smiles from the very few who count.

So get off that curvalacious ass of yours, leave all that rotting people baggage behind for good with no guilt stricken conscience and start walking away while humming HAKUNA MATATA!!

#5.Dont strain those emotional brain muscles!!

Overanalysing?

Thinking so hard that you have that constipated vegetable look on your face? Sleepless nights? Heated discussions where you take advise from a gazillion other people who think they know what’s good for you?

Should I say yes to that guy?

Should I order that scrumplicious looking doughnut or go for that equally yummy cupcake?

Pink or blue?

STOP!!

As my dog-loving-only-chicken-eating(coz chickens don’t have brains)friend(after this maybe ex-friend) would say..go with  your instincts!!

You’ll screw up! Probably the very next decision you take after this will turn out to be a hot mess and you’ll want to kill me but atleast you’ll know never to do it that way..I now know that I shouldn’t ever wear pink after a horribly etched in my memory photoshoot, prawns make me nauseous after the embarrassing barfing incident at an upscale Chinese restaurant ,I shouldn’t ever have anything to do with technology(I go in like god-freaking-zilla and I step on it or break it or submerge it…)

I’m never a 100% certain about my decisions but they’re mine and I take sole responsibility ,no blame games for me.I stopped overthinking, I go with the flow now, I’m impulsive and rash,I don’t agonize over things anymore and it’s made life SOOOOOO much easier, more time to add the I should never do this list.

I’d be lying if I said that I don’t think and take crappy advice AT ALL ,but I’m better, instead of spending a week now I take like two days.Hey, maybe I’ll get better one day...

#6.Love the hot boiling mess that you turn your life into!

YOU SCREWED UP??? What the hell is wrong with you? How could you mess this up? Weren’t you thinking straight??

Dudes and dudettes, I’d ask those same questions to the ones who don’t screw up and pack them off to the nearest loony bin.

It’s okay to screw up…it’s normal.

Everyone around you telling you to be a proactive fixer upper?

Being asked to take responsibility ?

To stop moping around and take action?

BACK OFF!!Those people are the emotionless Umbridges of life.

You messed up? Big fucking whoop!! You don’t have to pick yourself up, take all the blame, find a solution and make things right and still have the energy to carry on. If that was the case then I’d be able to do impossible things like solve the mystery behind the Bermuda triangle and lift Thor’s hammer, but there’s a reason why I don’t do these things, because they’re impossible!!

You let things go down to shit? Be upset, cry, bawl your eyes out, don’t talk to people, eat that monstrous bucket of chicken, do what you have to, feel better. You feel better now?

Pat yourself on the back and slowly pick yourself up from that slough of despair , surround yourself with friends who back you up no matter what and try to sort things out and if not then have the heart to let go and  most importantly, even if you don’t fix things, FORGIVE YOURSELF.

REPEAT THE PROCESS AS AND WHEN NEEDED!!

#7.You feel it? Then show it!

Don’t ever hold back on what you’re feeling, let it all out.

SHOUT OUT AND CELEBRATE!!SQUEAL AND JUMP AROUND AND SMILE LIKE CRAZY AND CRY...

Embrace those happy moments!! Be excited, unreasonably so. Feel ungraciously happy, weak in your knees happy, fist pumping, bursting out of your seams happy. It’s okay to be happy.

CRY. Wring out those tear ducts, let those waves of sadness keep coming, heart breaking sobs, it’s okay to cry.

BE ANGRY.BE FURIOUS.SCREAM if you have to, throw things around, don’t hold back on what you have to say or do.(DO NOT DECAPITATE ANYONE)

Be ANYTHING you want to be, because the right ones who care will understand and they WILL stay.

Cut yourself some slack guys!!You’re worth every bit of love and all the cuddly puppies in the world. Forgive yourself. Hug yourself. Take time off. Stop chasing people and their dreams, start chasing your glittery dream, even if it’s to finally go get some milk from the grocery store or do some late spring cleaning or to land that long dreamt of position as chief editor and love love love and forgive forgive forgive, yourself and everything.

All this might not really unveil answers to the unsolved mysteries of the universe..where do all my pens keep disappearing or who ate the last cookie in the jar..but it helped me through a lot of shit, made me deal with life a lot better than before and made me fall in love with myself all over again, and maybe just maybe you might take up some of this or even smile and THAT my dears, even just a tiny smile will make ALL the difference.

[imalostkismet-blog]

When someone ask

Normally i dont want to tell anything when someone ask me " what happened to both of you "

but suddenly my mom asked, again *for i dont know how many times but i just always answered " ma were just not meant for each other "

not this time, even some of my closest friends dont know what happened to us but yesterday night im all out to tell mama everything *i guess being emotional made me emotionless and brave*

I said that at first, it turns out well, when after a long time of being together as best friends and then he confessed, it turns out well.. at first..

" i just woke up one day being incredibly happy because i have him "

but the very first month we were together he already cheating, i saw it with my both eyes and that was the first time i felt that pain *pain i cant describe, but i dont say anything i just did closed my eyes, literally blind by love

And it didn't stop there..

Again when im about to surprise him bringing some gifts because we barely seeing each other during vacation, even his house is far away i took the risk to go there without him knowing..

" and i saw him ma, holding a hand, but not my hand ma, not my hand "

i ended up going home alone shattered..

but I didn't say anything i just keep on being silent and tell no one, again blinded by love

and it keeps on happening

hes cheating and i know it..

blinded by how he cares for me, how he give me this long message always, on how he smiled, how many time he'll tell he loves me, how he turn everything fades away the truth that it was all a lie..

" until it already consume me ma "

during our ojt days at the ship i cried a lot, when it times to eat i dont, and thats how slowly watching him changing..

im Alone in my cabin that time when everything is eating when there's a loud noise from our cabin door, someone knocking it too much almost the door is breaking..

its him on his furious eyes.. then shout at me

" kumaen ka na don! "

i felt how angry he is, i got scared, he leave after telling me to eat, but i know what he is thinking, he want me to act fine cause everyone thinking bad of him because of me and damn ..

" i just now realized ma how selfish he is "

but still he didn't hear anything from me..

i still keep everything to myself

" that hes cheating me for not just once but so many times "

the day in the airport when were about to go home from cebu done with our ojt

thats when he told me, that heart breaking news..

" lets break up, lets just be best friends again "

he said it like it just a simple thing to say

" and what i did next is something i want to apologise to you ma, something i will always feel sorry to myself "

after hearing what he want

all i know is, im already on my knees, pleading begging him to stay, in the airport in a public place, in a place when everyone are already are eyes on me...

but he remain sitting and keep on telling me

" umalis ka na dyan "

he even throw my luggage

im block out, i dont see anything anymore that time even the people around me what i remembered is Francis one of my closest friends holding me already cause i cant walk properly asking him what Happened, he said

" you're been on the floor pleading for three hours ted "

There's no tear's that time my mind is somewhere i dont know, i remembered i dont hear anything just my heart beat crashing..

the next thing i remembered..

Im in my room, crying all day, all night

" and i tried my best ma for you not to witness me dying so i keep my smile whenever im with our family "

but whenever im alone the only way i could sleep is when im already tired from crying..

when the vacation got finished, im scared to go to school to see him, i dont know how to act im afraid im going to block out again..

but what happened is worst

he act like nothing happens, he treated me just like his best friend again..

" but im not totally fine "

so i remembered myself crying somewhere in school, and then thats when he shouts.. again.. telling

" tumigil ka nga! "

for so many times he always did that to me..

i thought .. its already the worst but i got shocked when he already holding my wrist pulling me out of our school with all his power that i almost fall whenever he pull me while were walking, the pain i felt on my wrist cause his holding it too tight.. bring me to the bus stop telling me with the his loud voice

" kung iiyak ka lang din sa school umuwi ka na! "

its not just once i let him hurt me emotionally and physically.. not just once..

i always go home with big bruises on my arms, almost every week i have that

" no ma its not because im learning how to drive motorcycle, im sorry ma i let him hurt me "

for almost two years we've been together as couple, everyday i miss my best friend wishing that if can just turn back time id rather choose for us to stay like that..

" but i love him ma, his my first love, hes the first one who listens to me, hes the first one who believes in me when no one else can, and hes not like that when were still best friends. "

even after the graduation he keep on contacting me whenever he needs me, whenever he find me useful.. putting me hanging somewhere..

" i let him ma, let him drown me with the imagination that he loves me "

Until i decided this should stop.. i grab the opportunity in Dubai to get away from all of that..

I got traumatized, when someone holding me at my wrist i got nervous thats why whenever someone suddenly holding my wrist i let them hold my hand instead.. in that way it makes me calm..

i cried secretly cause im afraid people only will shout to me if they will saw me crying..

i always blame myself even i dont do anything

i always say sorry cause i feel i always did something wrong

" i got scared and i always longing for hugs that i never experienced when im with him, and thats when i realize the importance of it, it makes people fine even a second of hug "

thats when i always give people a hug, cause i know the feeling, wishing one day someone will hug me tight to put all the fears away..

when im in Dubai i found myself there a version of me i didn't met in my whole entire life.. thats when i started embracing her every flaws and scars that past made to her.. a whole new me .. tho i still have breakdown moments when everything consume me, beach and sunrise always saved me

" thats when i forgive him and i forgive myself for loving him and letting him to hurt me "

im fine now .. i moved on already but still i have the scars he made, i still got scared..

" im sorry ma all i can say im sorry "

she hugged me without saying a word but i know shes crying

*damn its been a long time no one hugs me i want this feeling forever i feel safe

- im keeper i literally keep everything

- im a keeper i always do my best for people to stay *even they gonna leave me anyway

- im a keeper dont leave me just let me disappear *its less painful