#not that zeke can handle looking after a child too much himself

[vancilart]

dinosaurs with grandpa

[tonaken]

Good man | Zeke Yeager

PART OF THE HOLLYWOOD SERIES

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FIA'S NOTE → been thinking about this man lately aaand he's growing on me, you know? Just something short to get him hopefully out of my system. Might make this into a series with other AoT characters in Hollywood, we shall see👀 edit: I did it hehehe

Content → Zeke seems to be the perfect man, ever so wonderful and charming. But you, and only you, know what hides under that almost ethereal appearance. Or do you?

Warnings → MDNI (cutting yalls ankles if I catch you), Zeke Yeager x fem!reader, modern AU where Zeke is basically the human version of Mark Zuckerberg, office romance, power imbalance (isn't used against the reader), mutual pining, friends with benefits, super duper slight angst??? (Zeke's family life isn't the best), smut, oral sex (fem and male receiving), mentions of penetrative sex, mentions of rough penetrative sex, mentions of degradation, slight objectification

W/c → 1.1k words

Zeke Yeager, the tech mogul. The billionaire whose name is in every headline after his company’s new electronic gadget came out. The handsome bachelor whose face is on the latest Forbes issue, after he was confirmed as one of the most successful businessmen of the year. The respectable man who’s never seen in scandals, always conducting himself with grace and a polite smile on his face.

He’s not tweeting his every thought, arguing with faceless keyboard warriors. He's never photographed with whoever is the hottest model of the moment, lacking the spare time for love or lust. He’s never mentioned among the guests of some afterparty in the hills. He's the big, untouchable CEO, the king of Silicon Valley.

And even at home, he's the good son. The eldest, the most responsible, the most loved. Grisha’s pride and joy, a spectacle of a man, the testimony of his excellent parental skills. The offspring he proudly parades, the one who compensates for his other reckless child. The golden boy of the family, the one who’ll carry the family name into the heavens of fame and cement them into the realm of benefactors of humanity.

Zeke Yeager is a good man, a great one indeed. Everyone can see it. Except you, that is.

Can you, when you, and you only, see that devious, hungry look dance in his eyes? Would you, when he finally sheds his sheep’s clothing and reveals the depraved wolf underneath? Should you, after he proves to you and to himself how low he can be, letting himself completely go?

Zeke Yeager is a good man, yes, except around you.

He’s tired, exhausted. sick of being the ideal man, the role model, the perfect son. It’s too much pressure for him. He has a company to handle, a family to not disappoint and also a pristine image to maintain? He busts at the seams, seething from unwanted expectations.

And that’s why he has you, his sweet little thing. Ready to use and to corrupt, always so willing to satisfy any of his little whims. So pliant, so welcoming, so understanding. Yes, that is it. You understand him, you accept him and mold yourself to accommodate him in any way possible.

You never complain. Whether he’s shouting at you for getting him coffee that’s slightly too sweet or stuffing your face with his balls in the back of his Range Rover, you don’t object, you just accept it, willingly obeying him. You know he needs an outlet, and it just happens to be you.

Zeke Yeager is a good man, no doubt, except to you.

You are not stupid, you know what goes through the man’s head. A mind that’s so brilliant, the shine reaches his bespectacled eyes. A mind that’s so insightful that it makes him always reply with poise when taunted. But it’s also a mind that’s so debased, that it seems to enjoy itself only when you give yourself up completely to him.

That’s probably when you’re at your prettiest, he thinks. All splayed out for him, ready to have him unleash his frustrations on you, however they may come out. Most of the time, everything’s quick paced, almost rushed, feverish. He’s not above demeaning you either, loving the way your face twists according to how merciless his words are.

But sometimes, just sometimes, he’s gentle, slowly rolling his hips into yours, cooing sweet nothings in your ear, caressing your face, looking into your eyes. His hands roam your body with utmost delicacy, taking in and committing to memory any detail he may miss during much more energetic sessions. 

Well, this is the idea you’ve created in your mind, and your heart never fails to skip a beat when it happens. And you can’t stop yourself from daring to imagine him genuinely liking you, maybe even caring for you, seeing you as much more than just a crutch. But then, you remember.

Zeke Yeager is a good man, certainly. Rarely to you, though.

You can tell by how charming he is even with his own employees, generously offering an exquisite dinner after the great success of the latest software launch. He converses, he jokes, he smiles, he laughs. 

When he gives his thank you speech, he mentions you as well, his assistant. ‘Ms L/n’ he says, and your mind goes to how your name, your actual name, sounds when he whispers it so sweetly in your ear, limbs tangled in the sheets of secrecy. You want to cry, but you smile, thanking him with a small nod. 

And the day after, as you approach your desk, you notice a fuming coffee cup waiting for you next to the keyboard. The rushed squiggle of your name on the drink speaks for itself.

Zeke Yeager is a good man, absolutely, also to you.

You don't throw away the empty cup and that makes him smile inside. He keeps an eye on you throughout the day. After all, the glass walls of his office leave nothing to the imagination, just like the lace panties you are wearing. He muses at them, swiftly tucking them in his pocket with a smirk. The office is empty, and with the excuse of doing a bit of overtime he has you all to himself and simultaneously appears to be a hard-working man. What a delight.

His mouth works fast against your core, tongue slipping and gliding against your clit, all the way down to your folds, where it wiggles itself in your entrance. You mewl at the way he's devouring you, legs propped in the air, with his thick fingers sinking in the warm flesh. 

He seems starved from the way he dives deep in between your thighs, so in a hurry that he's still completely dressed, his tie still snugly around his neck. His beard tickles your skin and gets drenched once you cum but he stays there and drinks you up, as his glasses fog up from his ragged breaths.

It's funny, new and odd, especially when he gets up from his knees and pulls your skirt down, trying to smooth out the wrinkles. You look at him while he wipes his face with his pocket square and he chuckles at your confused expression, pecking you on the lips.

Something foreign dances in his gaze and the twinkle in his grey eyes is breathtaking. If you only knew, he thinks, what goes on in that head you pride yourself in knowing so well, you wouldn't be looking at him like that. You'd sense his gratitude, his intentions, his true self.

Because in the end, Zeke Yeager is a good man, obviously, but only to you.

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[mazuwii]

Name: Sudden Meltdown You= Y/N Ackerman College AU

Fast forward two lessons and I was sitting in the stuffed cafeteria with a fat cake on my plate, trying my hardest to ignore every chaotic thing going on in the huge round hall by chewing on more than I could possibly handle.

"Uh oh, she's stuffing her mouth, why are you mad?" Pieck nudged me. I had no choice but to groan and roll my eyes. Porco and Zeke were sat in front of us, already knowing why I was irritated. "She won't shut the fuck up for one damn second," I mumbled, my gaze averted to Historia standing on the table, barking out bullshit.

Reiner and Annie let out a scoff in sync, both keeping their focus on their phones. Bertholdt laughed awkwardly and played with his fork. "It'll die down soon." He said.

"No, does she think she's some kind of main character or something? Her standing on the table and giving a speech about violence isn't going to stop Eren and Jean fighting like two petty drag queens." I rolled my eyes and continued. "If it did work then they would have stopped arguing by now."

"I'm surprised you haven't gotten used to it." Yelena sat across Pieck and I with her usually half-empty tray. "No, everyone secretly finds it cringe, I can't be the only one."

"Mmm, I don't know Y/N, it seems like you are," Zeke smirked and slightly leaned out of the way. Suddenly, students from our class clapping for her came into my already crimson view. "I just want to drop-kick her damn it." I stabbed the cake, earning a tissue rubbing against my mouth and cheeks.

"Not while looking like a baby who can't feed themselves," Pieck said, wiping the corners. All of our friends chortled as she treated me like a child. "What a supportive friend you are(!)" I sighed and took my earphones out of my backpack so I could block out the blonde's agitating voice.

Why was I getting so mad? I had no idea. Perhaps it was because her words were so repetitive and held no meaning to them. "Maybe you're jealous." Porco smugly said. I responded with a growl. "Of what?"

"I don't know, the fact that almost every guy has had a crush on her or that she's prom queen every year or you aren't as feminine as her or maybe"-

"Shut up. I get it." I grunted, stubbornly crossing my arms and glaring away from everyone. "Don't talk with your mouth open, Pocco."

"Don't tell me what to do! Peepee!"

Ignoring Pieck and Porco, my weakened glower settled on Reiner, who was boringly drinking water, leaning against the chair like a careless kid at a boring lecture. "Rei?" He suddenly stopped drinking, his eyes dragging to me creepily. He hummed with his cheeks full of liquid.

"You okay? I never see you eating nowadays." This was a better subject to start rather than that annoying short drama queen. The tall man grinned sheepishly and shook his head. "I ate too much in the morning so I don't have an appetite right now."

"I don't believe that, you aren't as beefy as you used to be," I snickered, squinting my eyes at him. "I bet Porco must be so happy now." Zeke abruptly said to himself. Our attention darted towards the bearded guy, making him look up and proceed. "He's jealous of Reiner's boobs and tries to grow his"-

"What?! Pfft no, I don't! Where d-did you get that from!?"

"Read it in your diary."

Porco began his usual rampage on privacy and why having Zeke as a roommate was like sharing with an obnoxious monkey, making us facepalm at the two. I turned towards Reiner who blushed slightly. I laughed and shook my head at how shy he could become.

By the time their argument turned into playful insults with Pieck and Yelena reacting to all their crappy comebacks, Bertholdt and Annie left the table with each other, in love as always. I got up from my seat and sat next to Reiner since the seat next to him was now empty.

"You know," He started, "You don't need to be jealous of Historia, you're just as good if not, better than her." The heat in my cheeks radiated my entire face. "At least to me," He added with a small smile, suddenly widening his eyes.

"Oh- sorry was that weird?" He laughed awkwardly. "Not at all, weirdo." I smiled at him, loving the view. How could Annie be staring at her phone when she had such perfection sitting next to her?

"Now come with me, let's both get some milk!" I snatched his hand and forced him up with me. He widened his eyes at how abrupt I was being, not having the heart to say no.

Reiner had some issues he never speaks about to people. He's amazing, the way he tries to heal his wounds by healing everyone else's. Out of all the questions I had, I'd have to ask him why. Why he covers his pain up by smiling, which technically is like adding wood to fire.

After taking a croissant and a cookie, I took him out to the benches on campus, no one really goes there now because it was raining in the morning.

Still, I threw my jacket on it and told him to sit down. Before he could decline, I pressed on his shoulders and forced him on it. The jacket was long enough for the both of us so I sat down right next to him.

"Reiner." I mumbled, biting into my cookie and shoving the croissant on his lap. "Y/N... I really"-

"Shut up and eat it, I'm sick of pretending to believe your lies."

His hand shook slightly and his lips quivered, turning his head away from me so that I wouldn't see. My heart shattered into a million pieces upon seeing him try to hide a cry.

"Rei..." I whispered, reaching for his slumped shoulder. "I'm just worried about you, we're besties aren't we?"

"Y/N... I don't deserve anything or anyone." He finally said. Despite the fact it was sad, at least he said something.

"No, please don't tell me this is how you've been thinking?" I bit my lip and remembered how he had PTSD and his room was all for himself, he had no roommate and stays in silence for the whole night, panicking with no one to help.

The silence he was giving me frustrated me more than it should, the fact that he wasn't saying anything about this. Judging by his weight loss it had been at least two weeks. "How long?" I asked carefully.

"Every night..." He finally looked at me. His usually golden, passion-filled eyes were dull with a spike of pain glistening in them. The corners bloodshot as he tried to contain the tears.

"You've been strong for too long, it's ok to cry..." I slithered my arm around his shoulders and gently laid his head against the crook of my neck. His shoulders shook and his breath was shaking as he finally let it out, sobbing into my neck.

From time to time, he'd let out a loud groan by accident, sniffling to lower his voice so that no one could hear but himself. "You matter so much to me, I swear to god, Rei." My fingers raked through his short blonde hair that had grown over time, my other hand rubbing his back.

"I want Reiner Braun. No one else." I told him, knowing why he was putting on the older brother impression all the time.

"He- He's nothing..."

"He's everything to me, why would you want to take away my everything?"

Suddenly, the sniffling stopped and the tears running down my neck halted at my sweater, soaking the collar. His face came into view when he sat up, gazing at me as if I had stated the craziest thing. His bronze pools switched from my left to my right pupil, drowning in my sincerity.

"You know how shit my days here would be without your dumb ass to flirt and make the most himbo jokes?" I giggled, my palm snaking up to his jaw and feeling his stubble gently prick my fingers as I caressed him.

Even though he hadn't said a word, I could only wish I made him feel better about himself because I had not only stated the truth, I exposed myself, my weakness. Although I don't show my appreciation as much as I should, I do need him, life would collapse without the idiot...

"Now, if you take my everything away from me, I'll despise you with every inch of my body," I said, melting when his hand laid on top of mine, leaning into my touch.

"That's not a lot of inches." He mumbled into my palm, making me lightly laugh. "Bastard." He weakly smirked at my playful insult.

"Come here." I sat on my knees so that I was higher than him and rested his head against my chest, my arms tight and secure around him.

"Mm..." I heard his muffled voice say, "Every time you hug me I feel so safe..." My heart skipped a beat, surely I wasn't supposed to hear that considering how low his voice was.

"You won't tell anyone... right?" He said, taking a deep breath in. I could sense him relaxing in my embrace, reassuring not only him but me.

"Of course not, let's just try and get you a break from school, a week should do it... right?" My hand rested on the back of his head even when he moved to face me.

"We have a lot of work for the school play though... the equipment needs building, who'll do the backstage lighting and help with props and what"-

"REI! Relax yourself, himbo. It's only a week."

"No."

"Reiiiii!" I whined, ignoring the thunder that had just struck. "Are you telling me you wouldn't want a week holiday with me?"

"I do, Y/N but we can't." He held onto my waist, careful not to squeeze my sides because he's well aware I'm ticklish there. "I can heal..."

My head unknowingly shook from side to side, "Rei you don't understand, I'm worried for you, healing by yourself... are you sure it'd work?" Silence...

Just as he was about to open his mouth, synced whistling broke our eye contact in the now heavy rain. Our gazes were met by the most annoying trio, Connie, Sasha and Jean wriggling their eyebrows at us. I heard Reiner uncomfortably sigh, cutting his breath off mid-way.

Abruptly, Jean began humming careless whisper out loud with his bothersome voice, Connie singing the lyrics with Sasha weirdly dancing in front of them as if they were in a ninja trio for matchmaking. "Tonight the music seems so LOUD! I WISH THAT WE COULD LOSE THIS CROWD! BABY! IT'S BETTER THIS WAY!"-

"You kids never shut up," We all flinched at the sudden appearance of Levi in the rain, standing proudly at his size. "First of all, it's 'maybe it's better this way', second of all your singing is so bad that the thunderstorm got worse, third of all, Braun and Ackerman, both of you get to class this is not a cheesy ass romance movie!"

Note:

Ok but Sasha Connie and Jean doing careless whisper is 100% canon, like it's too funny not to be true, I’m just chucking this into tumblr LMAO

[shimmershae]

My thoughts on Episode 7--Promises Broken

Placed behind a cut for those of you that would rather escape my babbling, lol.  You’re welcome.  

The episode opens with Maggie, Elijah, Father Gabe, and Negan.  

Right away I can’t help feeling disappointed because the emotional core of last episode (Kelly and Connie’s reunion and the aftermath) seems like it’s being ignored and punted further down the road so we can waste another hour getting piece meal progress on the Reaper front, but I’m going to try to push my misgivings away and enjoy this episode for what it is, so.  

“Daryl just told us to go home.”  

And save your hides and keep the rest of the community safe?  I can’t argue that Negan might have an actual point here, lol.  But Maggie sure can.  

Not gonna lie.  When Negan came back with “I think he was being subtle. He said they were armed with lookouts” I had to LOL.  

“We will never be even.”  I mean.  Maggie been frustrating me with her stubbornness in this suicide mission, true.  But she right.  They will never, ever be even.  

“Ya’ll know Blackbeard, too?”  I admit it.  I laughed.  A little.  

Okay.  I don’t know if this bodes well for this episode or not, but the cold opening in this episode?  Was the most underwhelming cold open of this season.  

At least the opening credits still give me that old familiar rush of the heyday of TWD.  

Fake Stephanie and Eugene are on Walker clean up duty.  Hmm.  I think I’m going to refer to Fake Stephanie as Fifi until she gets a real name for brevity’s sake.  

Fifi handles herself surprisingly well with the Walkers.  Is she one of Mercer’s stormtroopers working undercover maybe?  

Somehow I doubt it’s true that our friends can trust “Lance” but whatever, lol.  

I hate to admit it but I’m already kind of bored with this episode.  We’re barely over 6 minutes in.  

I didn’t recognize Princess without her fluffy pink coat!  

Zeke is definitely struggling.  

I do like that these two  have been paired up.  They have taken to each other quickly and already have a good rapport.  There’s something endearing about their scenes together.  

“Never been afraid of hard work.  Kinda anti-friends who die from stubbornness.”  Have I mentioned lately how much I love Princess?  Because I really, really do.  

So it’s been days.  Has it been days that Maggie and Negan and Co. have been outrunning the Reapers?  I’m talking since they left the safe house.  Does that mean that it’s also been days since Kelly and Connie’s reunion?  This timeline is so slow and yet they keep telling us it’s been days and making me think we’ve been missing time.  Like I can’t even.  

You know Carol’s “Pookie is in danger” senses have to be big-time tingling by now if it’s been DAYS.  

Also?  Alden almost certainly has to be dead.  

But I digress.  They obviously don’t want us getting hung up on the apparent time warp between ASZ, Meridian, and the Commonwealth.  It’s like the Bermuda Triangle of the ZA.  

“A person with your pedigree...”  

Okay then.  Commonwealth is full of uppity assholes.  Good to know.  

Yumiko looks classy!  I say that in my best Princess voice, lol.  

Well.  At least they’ve given Daryl Dog back.  Has Dog come to his senses though?  That is the question.  

Daryl sharing a smoke with the enemy to gain some intel.  Or maybe just the keys to food storage.  

So.  Another redshirt (Elijah’s sister’s friend) we don’t know bites the dust.  Meh.  Including that tidbit in the trailer was purposefully misleading, lol.  Not that I want people to die, but still.  

“But the one?  He’s mine.”  Let’s take bets.  Was it Carver Elijah has a beef with because it just seems like it was.  Could also be that his name is the only one I know, lol.  

Where is Maggie sending our hobbled Father G?  

“I kept my mask for practical and sentimental reasons.”  Negan?  You almost had me.  He really can’t help his inherent asshole-ishness can he?  

But seriously.  Yuck at what they about to do because I assume Alpha and Co. at least cured the nasty skins.  

I wish I could say I give a damn that they’re attempting to give Leah some more likeable layers but it’s a cheap cheat so naw.  

There’s that damn river that symbolizes the great divide between Daryl and his love and his family.  At least it’s pretty.  

I’m with Daryl.  Is Pope just looking to cleanse the earth of those he doesn’t feel belong or what?  Wheedle the truth out of her, Daryl.  

“You never needed anyone to make you strong.”  

Think our guy has ever said this to his real girl?  

It’s kinda funny that the Whisperer flunkie is now the herding Whisperer tutor.  

Is that the Reaper’s version of a priest?  Sorry.  I swear.  I’ve been trying to pay attention during their scenes.  But my mind wanders because it feels like Woodbury and the Sanctuary all over again.  The Whisperers at least were elevated by Samantha Morton, Ryan Hurst, Thora Birch, and yes, Jeffrey Dean Morgan.  Like I love Norman Reedus and the character he’s crafted in Daryl but he’s not enough to have me enthralled with Leah and these dudes.  I don’t care if they were all Calendar pinups before the ZA.  

Truly.  A+ casting with Yumiko’s brother.  

Yeah.  Something’s definitely fishy about Tomi’s reluctance to go back to his old life in the Commonwealth, but the desire for a slower, less stressful existence is definitely relatable so I’m not going to hold that part against him at all.  

What did Maggie say after Elijah asked if Negan had changed?  Because I replayed it a handful of times and still don’t know.  

This Lancy Hornsby dude reeks of slimy politician.  

Too much one on one Daryl and Leah in this episode.  Without any kind of chemistry at least these two drag each other and their parts of the episode down.  Leah’s character is a fail for me and it has nothing to do with shipping reasons.  She’s just not believable or authentic to her role as a mercenary.  

“If I could do it all over again, I’d have killed every single one of you.”  Damn.  Well.  He’s being true to himself, I guess.  Unapologetically Negan.  

Again.  I can’t say Negan’s wrong exactly but shit does he deliver some uncomfortable truths.  

Princess’s childlike delight over treats is <3.  

Look at Eugene running toward danger!  OG Eugene would never.  Abe would be so proud.  

Eugene and Fifi actually work pretty good together but it all feels so staged.  I feel sorry for our guy.  

“This guy was being, well, an asshole.”  LMAO @ Josh’s delivery. The asshole definitely deserved that punch and his date deserved to be eaten.  

Real Stephanie is so pretty.  

Aww.  She’s concerned about Eugene.  

Oh shit.  Eugene punched Pamela Milton’s little entitled prick of a son.  This feels like the ASZ Monroes all over again.  Sorry.  I can’t remember their names.  

Poor Eugene.  Have I said that already?  

Is this Lance Hornsby guy the lesser of two evils or...”  

All the chances you’ve gotten, hmm?  Seems to me they’ve been set up for some failure too, though.  

Maggie and Negan leading a herd where?  Meridian?  

That poor woman.  Just wanting her family safe and spared of seeing her meet her maker.  

f

So Leah’s not completely cold.  Okay.  Doesn’t mean she’s able to be saved though.  

At this point, Kang is just  yanking Daryl’s chain and ours in the process.  

Even hidden behind that skin mask, Elijah made me tear up when he saw his sister.  

No previews?  What a copout.  

Not Kang correlating Maggie and Negan to child and coach, lol.  

The narrative they keep pushing about the villains having families and FEELINGS doesn’t change much for me, Angela.  Gracie was the only innocent in that outpost Team Family attacked.  I’m not saying they should have done it but stop trying to make the bad guys sympathetic.  It isn’t earned.  

Interesting how she mentions Gabe is trying so very hard to hold onto faith.  

If Leah’s the frog boiling in that pot?  They better be serving frog legs to the starving community she’s hunting.  Just saying.  

Overall impression of this episode?  

It was boring.  No seriously.  

I wish I could say I liked it better but it was just meh.  I can’t even muster up any words because I just feel blah about it and that’s not a good feeling to have going into the first final (mid?  half?  tri?  I don’t know what to call it) episode of the season.  

Withholding the previews further adds to the doldrums because what is there to actually be excited about here after that episode?  At least try to pique our interest, Angela.  

[blackicewave]

hot take on the recent chapters

I came up with this while I was on too little sleep & after a friend caught up to the manga, it’s really long and I hope it makes sense - so, enjoy! 

I think what is happening right now, might be Ymir trying to re-establish her former form.

Because Eren has three out of nine titans right now - Attack, Founding, Warhammer. The Founding Titan was the very first of all titans before Ymir started gathering/creating all those other abilities. 

We currently have this written/known about it specifically on the official wiki page:

Its Scream can create and control other Titans, and modify the memories and body compositions of the Subjects of Ymir, but this power can only be used by the royal family under normal circumstances.

According to Marley's Titan Biology Research Society, the Founding Titan is the point where the paths that connect all Subjects of Ymir and Titans cross.

We have been known that only the royal family can properly use it, which is why Eren only managed to use the Founding when touching Dina Fritz's titan (the one that ate his mother) to protect Mikasa after Hannes was devoured and then when coming in contact with Zeke, seeing as he is from royal blood as well. However, the royal family is bound by a vow and the ideology of Karl Fritz - basically, he wanted the Eldians to be locked up and separated from the world because they had been too involved in wars before. So he wanted to protect them, essentially.

The vow is renouncing war to stop Eldia from using the Founding Titan to devastate the world ever again and it possesses the individual to follow the idea. That is why Frieda, even though she viewed the Eldians as sinners, still followed that protocol.

Now, with Grisha devouring Frieda and gaining the Founding Titan and passing it on to Eren, the chain of royal blood inheritors was broken. Which is why, paired with Erens own ideology to go behind the walls and see the world, Ymir zeroed her interest in him as it's seen in the recent chapters.

She herself wasn't of royal blood and being used to fight wars for that king in the backstory most likely built a hatred for humanity in her view - she was viewed as that slave, of which Eren broke her free. He's the only inheritor that hasn't been shaped and controlled by that ideology of King Fritz that she could get her hands on, so she can twist his views or add her own to it in having to destroy the world and humanity in it.

I think that she's using Eren as a vessel to collect all titans. He already has three, and with every other shifter present right now - Armin (colossal), Reiner (armored), Annie (female), Falco (jaw), Pieck (cart) and Zeke (Beast) - she can take them prisoner and force them to join with Eren. 

She basically already has Zeke in her control, having lured him into paths with Eren, and she just took Armin prisoner with another previous titan. Why else would she take him prisoner and bring him to "Eren's ass" as Levi said and separate them by a hoard of powerful, controlled titan shifters if not to ensure they don't get him back until she has taken all of them captive? She knows how powerful Levi and Mikasa are - most likely through Eren's memories. She most likely wants to create a vessel with all nine titans again to merge with Eren fully, maybe even devour him herself, to use her full former strength to get back on humanity and make them pay.

In the first chapter about her backstory it's shown that she was being punished and chased to her "death" because she let the pigs escape - in the last chapter 135, however, in the very first panel, it's shown that she willingly opened the gate to let them escape. She wanted them to run away. Whether or not it was planned that she'd be chased like that and would tumble into the tree trunk is questionable, but I think it has to do with it.

To add to my suspicion of not killing the current inheritors of the nine titans because she needs them later on, look at chapters 114-115 specifically.

Zeke blew himself up in the scene with Levi, and that entirely. He was torn in half. His spine was destroyed and therefore the titan in him "lost" because he had no one to pass it on to. He accepted that he'd die, told himself that. He did die.

But Ymir brought him back. She rebuilt his body and brought him back to life - if she really did that out of pure selflessness and devotion to her people, why didn't she do it with Levi? He's Eldian, too, technically, even if he's an Ackermann.

But Ackermanns are a byproduct and made to protect the royal family, and if we follow my thing right here, then she hated the royal family - she was forced to marry the king and give him offspring, after all. And she was nothing but a child. And she knew how dangerous Levi was - so she planned for him to die while rescuing Zeke, because she had a plan for him while Levi would have only endangered that.

In chapter 110, Zacharias refuses Mikasa and Armin to go see Eren - and promptly dies in an explosion. This might be a hot take, but I think Eren might have ordered someone to do so (because Ymir made him?) - because she needed to split the bond between them. And afterward, Eren escaped. Maybe it was used as a maneuver to get the attention off of him.

In chapter 112 he returns to meet Mikasa and Armin in the table scene - already threatening to transform if they make any move. "I am free. Whatever I do, whatever I choose. I do it out of my own free will."

That's what he says, entirely unprompted really. He proceeds to tell Armin that he's the one being controlled by Bertholt, and I think that mirrors the situation properly. Because it could serve as a parallel that it's not Armin but Eren controlled by "the enemy".

In that chapter, Eren effectively cuts all of the bonds to his friends even though in a few chapters before (when discussing who will inherit his titan once his time is over) he claims to care about them more than anything. And he does. He cares incredibly, he's a very emotional person - but suddenly, all of his emotions are gone. Seems fishy. ‘

He cuts Mikasa off by telling her he's hated her for his whole life, knowing it's her weak spot. He beats Armin up, knowing it's his weak spot because Eren was always there to take hits for him when he got beaten up as a child.

Once again, I think that's Ymir taking control of his memories and using them against him. That, or Eren used those purposefully to get them away from him and out of the danger zone, knowing that he's a time bomb.

In that chapter, it is thickly laid on that Eren "hates" slaves. "Do you know what I hate most in this world? Anyone who isn't free. That, or cattle. Just looking at them made me so angry, now I finally understand why. I couldn't stand to look at an undoubting slave who only ever followed orders."

Maybe, once again, that is Ymir speaking - she was reduced to a slave, and her creation of a titan made to fight was broken down by a vow the Eldian King created. The following inheritors only ever accepted that fate and didn't do anything to break free from it. 

In chapter 130 when Eren tells Historia his plan, he says the following: 

"The only way to put a final end to the cycle of revenge born from hate is to remove that history of hate from this world and bury it in the ground, civilisation and all." - he knows it's a repeating process, possibly because of previous memories handed down to him through the Attack Titan and looking through the royal bloodline with the Founding Titan (first seen when he kissed Historia's hand).

The cycle of revenge born from hate - gotta keep that in mind, cause I think it's very important looking at all of his actions. 

There's this constant reference with his friends. In so many flashbacks, it tells us that Eren wants his friends to have happy lives. To be free. To live long. He adores his friends and loves them with all of his heart. So why tell them he hates them? Why beat them? Why get them involved in all of this? 

Because it isn't him saying those things, and if it is there's more behind it.

In chapter 131 he apologizes to a child for everything he is about to do before it even happens. Maybe because he saw the outcome of it all?

He knows how much he will hurt the world and people, but he does it anyway because he needs this cycle to end.

 I'm not fully sure what the rest of his apology means, talking about how he was disappointed learning that people lived in the outside world. But what I do think is important is the last panel in that chapter, this one:

It views Eren with his eyes shut. Just his head. Usually, whenever he controls his titan, his eyes are open. His own body moves to control the titan. Here it isn't, though. I feel like that symbolizes how it's not him.

We established that he's a very emotion bound person that often rejects logic to follow his heart - he doesn't have his heart here. He can't listen to it. If you are manipulated the source of that manipulation always tries to break your mind first. Rob you of your beliefs and make you follow others. 

The contrast is right then and there - why would he apologies in tears to a child he doesn't know at all and explain his intentions and beliefs when once it happens, and once the child is murdered, he doesn't show any reaction?

Sure, one could argue that he's not conscious after his head was shot off, but who caused the jump and transformation into the titan if not Eren? Possibly Ymir. 

It is shown that the user has to focus on that goal to transform, as in season one with Eren and the well, so either Eren was conscious enough - somewhat doubtful - or Ymir had full control of him then and there already as soon as he stepped into paths.

In chapter 133 Reiner says something important; "If it was me, I'd probably.. want someone else to handle the power of the founder by now. And if I couldn't, I'd want it to be stopped by someone."

There's pretty much a direct contrast once again - are Eren and the Rumbling controlled by someone else? In my opinion, yes. 

Does he want someone else to stop it? He most likely does, why else would Mikasa, Armin, and co be able to move freely? Ymir not so much. 

I feel like he's putting up a resistance to them, which is why she can't control them properly despite them being Eldians. 

They get thrown into paths then, and when they see Eren it's him but his younger version. Around nine or ten, probably.

What I think happened here is that Ymir is keeping him trapped in a younger version of himself - similar to that one time he was wrapped up in blankets in his home and Armin was knocking on the window behind him, trying to shake him awake and conscious again.

She's keeping his conscience reminded of good memories to hold him there and be able to move freely with his body - like I said, she's using him as a vessel to push her actions, her dream, her ideal world and outcome into his hands.

"In order to gain my own freedom, I will take freedom away from the world." Sounds a lot like something Ymir could have been saying, in my opinion. But then again, who knows.

This panel is also important:

Eren, in his young form, is simply standing next to Ymir. And he doesn't do anything. He doesn't react or recognize his friends, and most importantly, he mirrors how Ymir is standing in the exact same way.

She's mirroring herself onto him, projecting her conscience onto his body. It proceeds with "If you want to stop me, then try to stop me from ever taking another breath" -  once again, and I cannot stress this enough, Ymir uses Eren's memories against him.

She knows his friends won't risk him dying. She knows they would do anything to protect him. This is her playing it safe; they won't kill him, ergo they won't stop her from continuing her plan by using him. 

Now in the recent chapter, she's standing on top of his spine and it becomes very clear that she's controlling it all. She's building former titan shifters from his spine, and controlling them to separate the team from Eren's location - and Armin's, most likely even Zeke's. 

She figured out that they won't give up until they found Eren and can talk to him, so she creates that barrier that she's sure they won't manage to surpass. Not with limited supplies. 

When Pieck becomes a danger, she eliminates her by impaling her on that trident - but she doesn't injure her beyond conscience or in a threatening state. She specifically uses Galliard and Berthold against Reiner, and throws those two on him to damage him in his abilities and trick his mind, to manipulate him.

Armin says it himself: "If Eren is only attacking onward like he said he would then this resistance is coming from Ymir." If Eren is attacking onward to follow the goal to end the cycle, then Ymir is the one bringing all the complications. They might work hand in hand, but I do strongly believe that all of the complications are solely on Ymir. Eren never wanted to risk hurting his friends.

In fact, and this is if he is conscious enough to pull any strings right now, I think he might be setting things up to ensure that his friends are the ones that kill him. 

[liddolwhynot2000]

Decisions Of a Capricorn

____________________________________

Summary: Levi Ackerman woke up one fine morning. In the past. Shit.

Genre: Angst, lets-change-shit, drama, liddol romance (Levixhappiness)

Pairings: Levi/Original Female Character, Levi/Petra

Warning: Manga spoilers

________________________________

Chapter 1. Chapter 2

____________________________________

Chapter 3: Brace

____________________________________

Summary:  Capricorns can be naturally pessimistic. They already expect unfortunate things to happen in life, so they take them in a stride.

Alternatively, Levi braces himself for the worst and is pleasantly suprised.

____________________________________

Telling his squad had gone better then he thought it would. His special ops members took the news it in a stride, immediately launching into a discussion of what they needed to do now and how to utilize this information best. Eren, as expected of his 15 year old version, was befuddled.

Levi wondered how someone so innocent looking transformed into a complete monster in such short time.

His squad had lived up to his expectations, easily concluding that they need to keep this information to themselves for now. Eld, ever the natural born leader, took the lead and suggested that they need to learn to work with Eren. So that they aren't caught off guard on the bare minimum skill level they can expect from the traitor.

Gunther was the one who brought up the possibility of facing the armoured titan, and even though Levi was sure they wouldn't have to face that particular beast yet, he still agreed with their suggestions of carrying some fire arms. Thunder spears didn't exist yet, which meant that grenades and canons would be their best shot.

Eren had tried to voice out his own suggestion, that he wanted to train his skill set too. He felt that he needex to improve in some areas, and although Levi bitterly recalled how much Eren had improved without help in another life, he had to agree with the brat.

His squad, however, didn't share the same opinion and immediately began to shut Eren down.

'Eren, your job is to trust us. We expect you to leave it all to us and transform as an absolute last resort!'

'Yeah, you brat, don't get cocky. The only way you'll fight is if we somehow di-'

Olou had bitten his tounge and cut himself off before Levi could. Levi had then interrupted before Eld and Gunther could throw in their two cents.

'Eren is the main target, what will all of you do if Eren is somehow dragged away you from you and has to fight for himself? We need to prepare this brat for everything, especially how to fight in his titan form.'

They had all shut up, but he could tell it was only because of Eren's presence. They wouldn't be caught dead speaking speak out against their superior, especially in front of Eren. Levi had taken advantage of that little fact.

'We'll get back to this in a while-- Eren it's time for you to transform. Four eyes is here'

____________________________________

It went just like last time, Eren wasn't able to transform. He sat in front of Levi, looking just as despondent he had the last time. He didn't walk away from Eren like last time, instead having chosen to stick close to the brat. Some things still needed to happen, and Levi was just waiting for that inevitable explosion.

When Eren accidentally transformed this time, he immediately took out his blades and points them at his team, not at all surprised that they had already drawn their blades.

They would always be talented little brats, but they had a long way to go..

'Captain-'

'Put down your blades Petra.'

'Captain get away from Eren-Please-'

It had continued on, with the brats arguing in favour of heatedly questioning Eren and his motives, while he had ferociously stood by the him. It was a part of the plan really-he knew that Eren would be fine no matter what. He just hoped that, at least this time around, the brat would take his taking a stand for him like this into consideration before he decided to launch a mass genocide on his own.

'Shut up and obey.'

His team had faltered, and then slowly lowered their swords as he began to speak.

'Do you have any other titan shifters?'

They all looked confused. Only Olou managed to speak croak out a strangled no. Levi pointed at Eren, who was panicking alot less since Levi had begun to speak in his favour.

'You see this dumbass? He's our only shot. There's no replacement for him. All of you can be replaced, Erwin can be replaced, Hange can be replaced. Despite your silly admiration of me, I could easily drop dead and be replaced too.-'

His squad had looked scandalised at the thought of their beloved captain being anything remotely close to being replaceable. Then again, none of them had experienced Mikasa and her unnatural strength yet.

'We need him. He doesn't need us. Understand that none of you can afford to point your blades at him without my orders. The next time you do so, I will be your opponent.'

Eld and Gunther had looked nervous, Olou had visibly begun to sweat and Petra had looked at him a little strangely. However, they all seemed to understand the point he wanted to make. '

'Am I clear?

They all nodded

'Yes Sir!'

____________________________________

He had made sure to still have that chat with Eren, to make him understand his squads actions. He knew Eren trusted him a little more this time around-his showing support toward him like this had likely changed his opinion of him, if only a little. Levi was banking on that, hopefully he could push the kid in the right direction.

He had gone to his room after Hange had explained Eren's transformation and his squad had shown support towards Eren by biting their hands. A filthy act, but he supposed in this case he would allow it. Not that it stopped him from ordering them to go sanitise their hands and not come near him for a while.

He had even made his tea on his own, unwilling to let them touch them with their germ infected hands. Petra had looked at him oddly when he had told her he would do it on his own, almost like a kicked puppy.

He sat in bed, tea long finished and mind occupied.

He had been somewhat productive so far, managing to manipulate Erwin into changing the plan to capture the female titan. His squad was well in the loop, and likely making several plans to take on a titan shifter. Eren was beginning to look at him with more trust, something he hoped would blossom more.

There was still too much to figure out though. And since Levi had resolved to not let Erwin in on the plan, he was now drowning in things he needed to figure out. How Erwin managed to sort through so much crap was beyond him.

Some things, he had already figured out. Others were still being debated upon.

When it came to Historia, he would injure her tommorow, to the point she wouldn't be able make it to the expedition. She would likely try to jail him for it after taking the crown, but he figured he could call it vacation time from work and enjoy the silence. Those brats were too loud anyways.

He knew that Rod Reiss might come after her sooner after hearing that she had been injured, so he would have an old friend keep an eye out for her. It was an aquantince from the underground, one of the few he could trust, that had managed to crawl their way to the surface too. He was strong and capable-and very good at hiding when he needed to.

Only Levi had ever been able to find him- and since he knew Kenny Ackerman wouldn't be used yet, he felt it was the best way to keep her safe.

He had also decided that he would have to kill Kenny. He had contemplated recruiting the old bastard, but Kenny was too much of a gamble. The type only Erwin would take on trying to recruit. And while it would be feasible to drop hints about his mentor in the underground to the Commander, he wasn't sure the Survey Corps could handle a mission like that. Their attention needed to be on capturing shifters and getting Historia to the crown.

Maybe Erwin could risk something like that, but this time it would be his deicison. Kenny, despite his conflicting feelings towards him, had to be eliminated. He just couldn't chance their opposition having someone like that on their side, and wasn't confident enough that they could get him to jump ship.

The rest he was still a little muddled on. He was reasonably sure he could draw Ymir to their side, especially if he told her about how Historia would be queen soon. But the girl wasn't dumb, she would also be able to tell that Historia would have a part time job as child breeder, and might even try to leave with her then.

It pained him to do so, but he couldn't save Historia from that fate. He could, however try his damned hardest that her children wouldn't be turned into shifters.

The other shifters left him feeling conflicted. They needed the Colossal titan, he would be their mass weapon against other nations. The moment he could, he would get the serum and feed Bertolts titan to one of their soldiers. There would be no compromising on that, no matter how much he wished he could lure the kid to their side instead and spare him from that painful death. He just didn't know the kid enough to ensure he could win him over.

As for Reiner, Levi recalled the young man who had stepped up to stop Eren. He recognised that he was stuck in a tough place, but again, he would have to harden his heart. He had to keep his side as safe as possible, even if it meant taking away the armoured titan.

A part of him still hoped that he could get the kid to join him though, he would definitely try for it.

As for Zeke and Pieck, who had likely already arrived on the island, they would be dealt promptly. Zeke would need to be restrained and hidden away in a deep tunnel, while the cart titan would be given to someone else.

He would, unfortunately, have to allow Zeke to turn Ragako Village into titans. But he figured not everyone needed to be turned for it, he could at least get the children out of there. Connie's mother had been key in figuring out the truth about titans, and so he would have to sacrifice her. But Connie's siblings would at least live this time around.

More of his cormades would survive the attack too, having less titans to deal with. He was hoping that Mike and his squad would get out of it alive and not be dealt the same unfortunate fate they had suffered through before.

When it came to Annie, however, Levi already knew what to do. If all went well, he was more then sure that the Female Titan would be fighting for the Island soon enough.

His plans regarding the shifters were a big gamble on his part, since it was all relying on one thing specifically.

Getting the titan serum from the Royal government.

But Levi was a thief at heart, a man who knew how to get things no one wanted to give, to find them in the shadiest corner, completely undetected. Worst comes, he would easily infiltrate. Their security was crap anyways.

He would know. It wouldn't be the first time he had stolen something from those bastards anyways.

Levi laid down, covering himself with a blanket. He thought of one last thing before he allowed sleep to overcome him.

It was dumb of Marley to send six of their shifters to the Island, and all at the same time too. Because Levi had no intention of letting any of them go back home, not this time around.

____________________________________

In all his years of living, Levi had gotten used to being surprised. He had gone through surprise attacks, friends turning into foes, getting punched by the Queen and even time travelled. Yet had taken it all in a stride.

He had expected that half his plans would fail, that he would end up losing his squad anyways, that Annie would escape this time too. But here they were, sitting in the mess hall, post expedition, and very much alive.

Erwin had informed more squads about the traitor, although thankfully Reiner and his squad hadn't been told. Most of them had understood that they likely wouldn't be able to take on the threat, and their squad leaders had made sure to have them engage very litte. They had tactfully allowed the Female Titan to pass through the formation, thus leading her to Eren. More lives had been saved this time around, much to his pleasure.

They had gone through the same plan, trapping her in the forest. Erwin had stood by and watched as the female titan glared at him. Beside him had stood soldier with black hair, wearing a hoodie. Their face had been hidden, but everyone had called that soldier captain Levi. It had made Annie think she was safe, that when she called titans to her and left to go after squad Levi, Humanity's Strongest wouldn't come after her until she accomplished her mission.

It was only when she reached the squad and made to slice at Gunther that she realise that she had been duped. The sight of Humanity's Strongest blocking her blade with his own had caused her to sweat.

Things had gotten on easily then, she hadn't been much match for him. And his squad had taken double their usual measures, going as far as to throw explosives at her before he could carve her out of the nape. Eren had watched it all in awe, thankfully the brat hadn't needed to transform this time around.

His expression had quickly changed to shock and betrayal once he spotted his comrade sealed in a crystal. Levi wasn't suprised that she had sealed herself like that this time too, he had been counting on it actually.

Levi snapped out of his thoughts and pushed his now empty tray away. He decided it was the perfect time to put his plan into action.

He needed to pay Annie Leonhart a visit.

____________________________________

A/N: Heyooo. Here's chapter 3! Any guesses how Levi is getting Annie on their side?

Sorry I don't post much, but I swear things have been ridiculously busy. Uni life, housework, and my mom is sick too :(

[appalachianwiine]

Swim - Chapter 7 - You’re Not Alone

I wanna roll up,

I'm gonna roll up my sleeves.

I'm gonna fight for you,

I'm gonna fight till I bleed.

So, listen to me now.

“You’re Not Alone” by Marie Miller

True to Dr. Rhee’s word, Lydia’s nausea starts that evening and even with zofran she’s up most of the night throwing up and dry heaving. The short clusters she does sleep are spent pressed against Daryl, his shirt tightly fisted in her hand almost in a panic that he might disappear. Daryl doesn’t manage any sleep himself aside from the occasional dose. 

By the time daylight seeps back into the room, dripping through the blinds and over the bed clothes, Daryl is exhausted. His back is killing him from holding Lydia propped up all night long, and the idea of coffee is very much appealing. However this morning Lydia is resistant to the idea of breakfast. Her stomach still feels bad, she complains and she wants him to stay with her. Finally after firmly telling her he hadn’t slept last night and needed to get some coffee, but that he’d be back in ten minutes, she relents. She climbs off his lap into the other half of the bed and nestles up with the pillows, falling asleep again in minutes. 

At the elevator, he finds Ezekiel stepping in, this time pushing a wheelchair. The boy inside it is a ghostly shell of the one who two days ago had been giggling with his daughter. Henry’s almost translucent now, and his eyes look dully ahead. Ezekiel doesn’t look much better, his ashen face betraying the exhaustion of the last couple of days. Evidently he hadn't been sleeping either. 

“Cafeteria?” Daryl asks, pressing the button for the floor. 

“Radiology.” Ezekiel mutters, reaching past him and pressing the button for the floor before the cafeteria. 

“Everything okay?” Daryl asks, the answer is a heavy ‘no’ that hangs in the air between them but what is he supposed to do? Pretend they’re not there. 

“I can’t poop.” Henry’s tiny voice speaks up from the wheelchair. 

“Yes, some, tummy trouble.” Ezekiel mutters. “They’re doing a dye with contrast to make sure there’s no blockage.” 

“Oh.” Daryl frowns. “Sorry kiddo.” 

“Yeah.” Henry mutters.

“How’d Lydia handle her first chemo?” Ezekiel asks. 

“She uh - she was up most of the night bein’ sick.” Daryl sighs. “Don’ wanna eat this mornin’ but I think I’m gonna pick somethin’ up fer her anyway.” 

“Try the waffles.” Henry mumbles. “No butter or syrup.” 

“Really?” Daryl frowns. 

“Henry has an easier time keeping them down then other things.” Ezekiel nods. 

“Thanks kid.” Daryl offers a smile. 

“Yeah.” Henry nods. The elevator doors open to the radiology floor and Ezekiel pushes the wheelchair out. “Tell Lydia i say hi.” 

“I will kid. Good luck.” Daryl nods, watching the doors slide closed again and cut off his view of Henry and Ezekiel. 

Lydia does manage to keep a few bites of waffle down, but whether that’s some magical waffle power or the medication finally kicking in he isn’t sure. Either way she spends most of the day napping and watching TV. Part of him is thankful for that, it lets him have some much needed sleep too, but another part is acutely aware of how out of character this is. In 24 hours from her first dose of chemo she’s gone from a rough and tumble kid to one who wants to sleep all the time. 

After a few hours awake in the afternoon, Lydia falls asleep after dinner - which was another few bites of waffle from the cafeteria - Daryl’s considering sleeping himself when there’s a light knock on the door. He jumps up to answer it, not wanting Lydia woken. 

Carol. 

Shit, the support group. 

“Oh shit.” He mutters. 

“I figured you either weren’t planning on coming or you forgot.” Carol says, holding out a coffee cup. “I’m not taking either for an answer.” 

“I - Lydia just fell asleep.” Daryl says, taking the coffee. “She’s had a rough night I can’t - I can’t just leave her.” 

“It’s an hour.” Carol says. “Trust me Daryl I know how hard this is, I went through it too, but you need this, for Lydia as much as for you.” 

“Who’s going to sit with Lyd?” He asks. 

“The nurses can keep an eye on her.” Carol says. “I’ve already talked to Sasha about it, she’ll check in every ten minutes.” 

“I don’t -“ 

“And I left her your cell number she’ll call if Lydia wakes up and then you can leave.” Carol insists. “Just try one meeting, we’re not all bad.” 

“Right.” Daryl sighs, looking back at his sleeping daughter. She was out pretty good, and if her last few naps were any indication she’d remain asleep for a couple of hours. “Alrigh’, but she wakes up an’ I’m comin’ back.” 

“Good.” Carol smiles. “Come on, the chapel’s this way.” 

“Chapel?” Daryl frowns. “‘S this a religious thing?” 

“Not really.” Carol says. “But the chapel is the best place for it, it’s a little more homey then the conference rooms and not as impersonal as some of the lecture halls.” 

“What about that room?” Daryl points to the one he’d signed the forms in. “It’s pretty homey.” 

Carol’s blue eyes dart to the door and then quickly away, she swallows hard. “Some of us… have bad memories with rooms like that.” 

“Wh-what d’ ya mean?” Daryl asks, suddenly uneasy, as they pass the door to the small suddenly ominous room, and stand in front of the elevators. 

Carol doesn't’ answer until the elevator doors slide open and she steps inside, pressing the button for the third floor. “That room… that room is usually used to deliver bad news. It’s - it’s the room where some of us learned our kids weren’t going to make it.” Evidently the horror is clear on his face because she offers a weak smile. “Sorry. I know they - they use it for other stuff too but that memory is… it prevails.” 

“Sorry.” Daryl says finally. 

“It’s fine.” Carol assures. “You didn’t know. But yes, the chapel is easiest, it fits us all pretty nicely too.” 

“‘s Ezekiel gonna be there?” Daryl asks. 

“No.” Carol shakes her head. “Henry isn’t… he’s had a rough day.” 

“Blockage?” Daryl asks. 

“Well No.” Carol frowns. “Just constipation I think, but they’re having trouble figuring out why. He’s on some medication to resolve it but it’s hard on him.” 

“Oh.” Daryl says. “I uh - I saw him this morning, with Ezekiel. In the elevator.” 

“Yea he Zeke mentioned it.” Carol nods. “Henry wants an update on Lydia later.” 

“Yeah he asked about her.” Daryl nods. 

“He’s a good kid.” Carol smiles a little. “He thinks of everyone else first, even in a place like this.” 

“He’ll be alright?” Daryl asks, stepping out of the elevator after her. 

“Maybe.” Carol sighs. He’s doing okay now, but there’s really no telling. There never is.” 

“Oh.” Daryl sighs.

“Just in here.” Carol pulls open a door and Daryl steps inside. 

There’s a circle of about a dozen chairs, occupied by a variety of different people, a girl who can’t be older than 20, a man in his 70s, a man in a priest's collar, a couple holding hands, and one rather ragged looking woman, with short choppy hair. 

“Not a bad turn out.” Carol smiles, taking a seat and motioning Daryl into the one next to her. Daryl sits down, looking around at the others. “So we have a new parent joining us today. Daryl why don’t you uh introduce yourself.” 

The last thing he wanted was to be put on the spot right now, but now everyone was staring at him, he shifted uncomfortably, taking a swig of the coffee before answering. 

“I uh - well ‘m Daryl.” He mutters. “My uh - my daughter was diagnosed with Leukemia 3 days ago. We uh - we don’t know what kind yet but uh, it’s just the two of us. Her mom - well she’s adopted. Her mom’s not in the picture, never will be and uh -  it’s hard to believe that four days ago the word leukemia wasn’t even one i thought about.” 

“It’s always like that.” One of the men says, his long hair tied up in a bun and a short beard covering his chin. He holds the hand of the man next to him, his husband Daryl thinks, a man with sorter hair and a thicker bearded. “The day before our Gracie was diagnosed… well there’s a saying here. “The day before my child was diagnosed i wasn’t a cancer parent either”. I’m Paul, this is my husband Aaron.” 

“Yeah.” Daryl nods. “That’s - that’s what it feels like. Almost like -“ 

“Like having a newborn.” The man next to him, Aaron, says. “You’re handed all this responsibility and someone who relies on you for absolutely everything and - and you have no idea what you’re doing.” 

“I guess.” Daryl shrugs. “But uh- Lydia was four when I adopted her. So I guess I don’t know about that. But she’s been through some stuff before, and this just feels… unfair.” 

“It is.” The old man says. “And that’s something that hasn’t changed in 50 years. I’m Dale, my wife and I - we lost our daughter to leukemia in 1970. The survival prospects were a lot worse then but - but it’s never been fair.” 

“Never will be.” Carol says, Daryl feels her reach over and take his hand, she gives it a squeeze, a gesture he’s not accustomed to but finds comforting. 

“So you’re all - all cancer parents?” Daryl swallows, looking around. 

“With the exception of Father Gabriel, and Enid.” Carol motions to the priest and the twenty something girl. “Enid is a cancer survivor.” 

“Non Hodgkin's Lymphoma.” Enid says. “I was 10 when I was diagnosed. I’ve been cancer free for 9 years and considered cured for 4. But the long term side effects are still there.” 

“But - but you’re doin’ alright?” Daryl asks, trying not to let hope seep in. “You’re okay?” 

“As okay as I can be.” Enid shrugs. “I’m in my junior year of college, premed.” 

“So your daughter, has she started the chemo yet?” Dale asks. 

“Yeah um yesterday, she’s having a day off today but we’ll get more tomorrow.” Daryl pushes his hair out of his eyes. “We should get her biopsy results back then too, so we’ll uh - we’ll have some answers.” 

“Good.” Aaron nods. “A treatment plan helps a little - at least it did with us, made us feel like we had some control. It opens up options for clinical trials too - if that’s something you want to do.” 

“Clinical trials, like - test medicine yeah?” Daryl asks. 

“Yeah,” Aaron says. “Ezekiel and Henry are here for one. I think Leah’s son is in one and Lucille your son was yeah?” 

“Yeah.” The woman with short choppy hair nods. “He was but - well the outcome wasn’t good.” 

“Is he uh…” Daryl isn’t sure how to finish the sentence and looks to Carol for help, but her blue eyes are focused on the woman. 

“Dead?” The woman says. “Yeah. Six months tomorrow. He uh - he had brain cancer. Was terminal from diagnosis. Good kid. Only seven.” 

“I’m -”

“Don’t say you’re sorry.” she snaps. “Just hope like hell your kid doesn’t have to go through the same thing.” She crosses her thin arms and leans back in her chair. Daryl looks around the room, no one is saying anything, instead a few people glance at Carol. 

“Lucille,” Carol says gently. “Anniversaries can be hard. Is there anything you want to talk about?” 

“No.” Lucielle mutters. “Sorry I just - the last few days have been really hard. I uh - I’m trying to sell the house - I just can’t live there anymore and everyone who comes in asks.” 

“Ah.” Carol says, reaching across the row and giving Lucille’s hand a squeeze. “That’s not easy. It isn’t going to get easier either, I still have a hard time talking about Sophia.” 

“It’s never going to get easier.” Lucille nods. “But uh - I hope taking the dogs and getting out of the city will help. I’ve got a property up north, I’m using the divorce settlement for that and since he gave me the house I’m planning on using the money from that to build.” She reaches up to dab at her eyes with her sleeves. “I uh I’m sorry Daryl I- I” 

“‘S fine.” Daryl says quickly. ‘I uh - I can’t imagine what it's like losing’ a kid an’ havin’ a divorce.” 

“I hope you never have to know.” Lucille picks at her nails. “It’s not something i’d wish on anyone.” 

“You uh - you mentioned a clinical trial?” Daryl says carefully. “What uh - what was that like? The process.” 

“We pretty much had to go to a clinical trial.” Lucille wipes her eyes and takes a tissue from Carol. “His brain cancer was aggressive from the start and uh - it has a 0% survival rate over five years. At diagnosis we were told he was terminal, and we ended up going to Germany for a clinical trial. Instead of the 9 months survival we got about 18 months, but um, one thing we found was that our insurance would not cover the clinical trial because it was out of the country. We were lucky though um, we had a really good church and they fundraised for the trial.” 

Daryl’s stomach twists further. He hadn’t thought about the costs of clinical trials - or being declared terminal at diagnosis. Lydia couldn’t be that, he refused to believe that was even an option for her. He also hadn’t ever considered a clinical trial, would she need one? She couldn’t be one of those kids could she? The ones so sick that their only hope for survival was an experimental treatment? 

“Not all clinical trial is like that.” Carol says quickly. “Henry’s clinical trial is covered by insurance, and I think Matthew’s is.”

“Matthew?” He says. 

“Leah’s nephew.” Carol says. “She’s not here today, spiritual commitment. But he’s in the same trial as Henry. A little further along though. He just finished his second stem cell transplant.” 

“Oh.” Daryl says. “Is uh he one of Henry’s friends too?” 

“Um kind of.” Carol says. 

“He’s not really anyone's friend.” Paul says. “Leah keeps him… pretty isolated. They’re a little… weird to be honest.” 

“Paul,” Aaron says harshly. “Who are we to judge with how she’s handling her kid’s cancer.” 

“I wouldn’t judge if that sister of hers wasn’t being drug out of here high or drunk half the time he’s admitted. It’s disruptive and dangerous.” Paul snaps back. 

“They let that happen?” Daryl frowns. 

“Technically it’s her supervised visitation.” Paul says. “But it happens so often it’s a wonder she’s still allowed any.” 

“Parental rights aren’t that easy to terminate.” Daryl says. “Especially fer moms. Jus’ cut ‘er some slack. ‘S a hard enough situation t’ be in with a healthy kid.” 

“Grace requires nothing.” The man in the priest's collar says. 

“That isn’t always true father.” Paul says. “Sometimes grace requires a hell of a lot.” 

“Leah is doing her best.” Carol insists. “We all are, it’s all we can do, and we need to support each other. You know as well as I do that no one outside this room can possibly understand that.” 

“She’s right babe.” Aaron says, reaching for his husband’s hand. “No one else knows what this is like. Hell or highwater remember?” 

“Hell or highwater.” Paul mutters. 

“Well.” Carol says, glancing at her watch. “I think that’s about all we have time for today. Unless anyone has anything they would like addressed?” When no one spoke up Carol stood. “Thank you father for allowing us to use your chapel. Is the same time next week still okay?” 

“Of course.” the pastor nods.

“It was nice meeting you Daryl.” Aaron extends a hand as Daryl stands up. Daryl glances at  it a moment before taking it. 

“Uh  yeah…” He mutters. 

“We know how this can be.” Aaron says. “Our daughter is eight and a half. How old is your Lydia?” 

“She uh, just turned eight last month.” Daryl swallows.  

“We’ll have to get them together sometime.” Aaron smiles.  

“Yeah.” He nods. “Lydia’d like that.” 

“We should go.” Paul says, touching Aaron's arm gently.  

“Alright,” Aaron nods. “It was nice to meet you Daryl, I wish the circumstances were better.” 

Daryl is glad the man follows his husband out of the chapel then and he doesn’t have to answer. Not only was everyone in this room a cancer parents, but this wasn’t even all of them. There was at least one outstanding single parent he hadn’t met yet, and all of them had been where he was. 

“What did you think?” Carol asks, tucking her hands in her back pockets as she approaches him. 

“I uh - I don’ know.” He says. “‘F its fer me. Kinda… depressin’...” 

“Nature of the job,” she offers a weak smile. “Let me get you a coffee before you go back to Lydia?” 

“Uh -” he glanced at his phone. No missed calls, no texts. Lydia must still be asleep, and he can practically hear Lori’s voice encouraging him to go. “Yeah sure I guess. Just take out though I want to get back.” 

“Of course.” Carol says. “There’s a coffee shop right across the hall.” 

“So there’s uh - there’s still someone i haven’t met?” Daryl asks as they cross over to the small coffee shop. 

“Uh-huh.” Carol says. “Well a couple of people technically but most of the others don’t come regularly.” 

“Other single parents?” Daryl asks. 

“No.” Carol shakes her head. “Just Leah.” 

“Is she really that weird?” He asks, taking the black coffee Carol holds out to him. 

“Um.” Carol says. “She’s trying really hard for that kid, but some of the stuff… is a little odd I guess.” 

“What like - like oils and shit?” 

“Yeah mostly.” Carol nods. “But I try not to judge anyone for what they do with their kids during treatment. Even if they don’t work the placebo effect is strong. I remember when Sophia was sick she was convinced Vick’s vapo rub was the cure to her nausea so you bet that whole room smelled like Vick’s most of the time.” 

Daryl chuckles. “Sounds like my childhood.” 

“You were a vicks vapo rub fan?” Carol smiles, a sparkle coming to her eyes. 

“Oh Vick’s Vapo rub and Campbell’s Chicken Noodle are redneck healthcare.” Daryl grins. “I survived on that shit when i had the flu.” 

Carol laughs, a bright pretty sound, that makes even this place seem a little less dark. 

“What?” He teases. “Not all of us had parents who took us to the doctor.” 

“No no,” Carol says through the laughter. “It’s just - I was the same way as a kid. Vicks fixed everything.” 

“Damn straight.” Daryl grins. “Still does. Keep a jar in the cabinet just in case.” 

“Useful stuff.” Carol smiles. 

“I should uh - I should get back to Lydia.” Daryl says, glancing at the wall clock. “She’ll be up soon.” 

“Yeah.” Carol nods. “You get results tomorrow yeah?” 

“Should be tomorrow or the day after.” Daryl nods. 

“Give me a call?” She asks. “Please - I can come sit with Lydia if you need me to.” 

“I uh - i might take you up on that.” Daryl says. “We’ll have t’ get some more clothes an’ stuff at some point.” HE swallows. “You uh - you mind if I - if I call you with the results?” 

“Of course not.” Carol says. “I can answer just about any time.” 

“Thanks.” 

“Of course.” She reaches out and gives his arm a warm squeeze, the sensation lingering on him as he made his way  back up to Lydia’s room.

[linkspooky]

Eren is a Crying Child

Ymir in this chapter serves as a parallel for not only both Historia and Mikasa, but also Eren as well. The reason Eren personally reaches out to Ymir so deeply is not because Eren is Ymir’s savior, but because Eren is Ymir. When Ymir stops hiding her eyes and expression and reveals her true face, it’s important to see her for what she is: a crying child. 

Which is what the framing of this chapter establishes, that Eren is not a great liberator. He’s not a badass. He’s someone deeply traumatized. His want to destroy the world isn’t about idelogy, he’s lashing out. Eren’s not being strong to become the hero who saves the world, he’s using the idea of his strength to deny his grief and any vulnerable emotion he can show because he thinks that he is not allowed to be weak. Eren tells Ymir that she is a human because those are the words that he most wants to hear. I’ll explain more under the cut. 

1. The Cycle of Grief 

Eren is fundamentally, down to his core, a child unable to cry or feel his own emotions. Because he believes he has no right to feel those emotions. That he has to push those emotions aside and be strong and fight back against the world at all times or he’ll lose everything. In growing up into someone strong, and forcing himself to always fight back against the world, he has lost a fundamental part of himself that Ymir represents, the child who just wants to cry. Eren is Ymir he is at the same time, crying and making an angry face because he feels so much towards a world that’s continually taken, and taken, and taken from him. 

There’s a clear difference between the external goal which Eren does acknowledge, and the internal goal which Eren does not acknowledge. What Eren says he wants is liberation for the world around him, but what Eren seeks inside is his own liberation from the burdens that he’s put on himself. 

Eren’s own internal conflict is a parallel for the conflict of the world at large, continually caught in the cycle of war and abuse that seems unending. Eren is also, constantly dealing with grief and loss that he is unable to resolve in any healthy manner of get closer on. Which is why his primary fear is the loss of his friends in the first place, because he cannot handle those feelings at all. 

What Eren wants is peace, security, people who love him for who he is weak or strong, the things he had when Carla was still alive. But, he believes he can find those things in fighting.  He wants the ability to see an end to the fighting, but Eren is so unable to comprehend something past that he thinks his own salvation is something as extreme as just destroying every single person who could ever fight against him to end the fighting permanently. Because Eren can’t properly see an end to fighting, without more fighting. So even if Eren is right that you do have to fight back, he’s also wrong because fighting back is the only thing Eren knows how to do. 

Remember this is also literature, where parallels like that can be made. Eren’s fight against the world is simulatenously a fight against himself. Two classical conflcits, man vs society, man vs self. 

Eren “being a badass” is most often him getting angry, and yelling to deny any kind of feelings of grief of remorse he might have, because in a way his mindset is too fragile to process any of those emotions. Yes, he does feel them, he’s obviously upset when his actions lead him to doing things he does not want to do like imprisoning his friends, and killing innocents in war but rather than handle those emotions he pushes them deep down and represses them. Eren is so “strong”, and yet he cannot handle any kind of show of weakness. 

In terms of human psychology, Eren represents the grief cycle if he were permanently stuck in stage two, anger. Eren unable to even feel, feelings of loss denies them and gets angry and never once moves past that stage. It’s important to remember where Eren’s character is inspired from. 

He’s not an action hero, he’s Shinji Ikari. It’s the same concept, a child is used by a world of adults because he has a special power that enables him to fight back, and he desperately searches for agency despite being stuck in a conflict that he was born into, and a system that continually exploits him as a tool for fighting rather than treating him as a human being. 

He has a father who ultimately chooses to keep him distant and not tell him anything in the end (Grisha / Gendo), a mother who is the symbol to him of all the love in the world that he is unable to meaningfully receive ( Carla / Jaeger). The fundamental similiarity between Shinji and Eren even though one is passive (Shinji) and the other is active trying to steal away any meaningful agency and power away he can from the world (Eren) is at their core they are the same, both of them are fundamentally unable to handle this grief in a healthy way and thus they are incapable of meaningfully growing into fully rounded people. Shinji is permanently stuck in stage 3 depression and detachment, and Eren is stuck in stage 2 Anger, and yes Eren’s shows of strength, his anger at the world, his burning resentment and desperate fights for freedom may look cooler but they are fundamentally the same. 

There’s no quote from End of Evangelion that better serves as a summary of what Eren says to Ymir in this chapter than this quote too, except, he is missing the second part. 

Which is why Eren is ultimately wrong, and has to be wrong. In fighting the ugliness of the world he’s completely forgotten about the beauty. On one hand what Eren says to Ymir is good and right. She deserves to be angry about the world. She deserves to resent the people who have mistreated her. Her emotions, even the negative ones are all valid. She’s still a person after all this time, and her emotions are her own, even if they’re ugly, even if they’re vengeful, even if they’re destructive. 

But at the same time Eren has a chance to show a little girl what’s beautiful about the world that’s completely mistreated her, and he tells her to destroy it instead. 

Because Eren himself does not know any step in that cycle beyond anger. He does not know any response beyond getting angry at how the world has treated him. He lashes out, but he never has any meaningful closure, or any relief. Eren’s missing out on an oppurtunity to comfort a little girl because he’s lost all sense of comfort for himself. 

That’s why Connie interprets what was Eren’s grief stricken face at Sasha’s death at laughter, because for Eren he’s pushed his emotions so far down now he can’t even cry properly when somebody he deeply cared about has died. This is not Eren being strong, it’s him coping terribly. The reason we’re kept out of Eren’s head, why we can’t see his own point of view is because Eren himself is restricting his point of view from the audience. He lies to his friends. He lies to himself. He goes that far, just to deny that what he feels inside isn’t just anger, but also sadness at the world, a want for comfort, etc. etc. 

Eren’s feelings for wanting to lash out are completely valid. There’s basically no way to process that insane amount of grief without lashing out. My point is, Eren conceives of no step beyond lashing out, except to such an extreme that if he destroys everything he will somehow make the feelings go away.

He’s not being strong, he’s continually teetering on the brink of suicide because he’s completely forgotten about all of the beautiful things in life and what makes it worth living due to his decision to focus only on the fighting. In the same chapter we see Eren talk about the beauty of always moving forward, we also see the ugly side to it. 

The same ideology that Eren must always keep moving forward, is also what drives Reiner to the brink of suicide. Reiner’s not a strong soldier like he pretends to be who fights to the end, he’s a deeply suicidal person who is desperately looking for some reason to live, to keep going. 

But what continually pulls Reiner back isn’t the fighting itself, which is what Eren seems to think it is, that his solution lies somewhere in the conflict that he continually throws himself into. It’s the children. The eldian children that surround Reiner and Reiner feels responsible for, the one he wants to save from this conflict, the future that he himself does not have. Which is why Eren killing children is so thematically important, because Eren himself does not see that future. 

Eren and Reiner are foils. While Reiner is clearly projecting here and telling Eren that the best thing for them is just to die already, to go to sleep, that that’s the only peace they can achieve in their life. If Reiner feels that way then it’s likely Eren is equally as suicidal as Reiner is. It’s just Eren has an objective that he has to complete, and that’s what is keeping him alive, and keeping him strong. 

Also, the point once again Eren has never once beaten Reiner in the series. He lost to him several times over, and the reason why is because Reiner and Eren are the same. They both fight back against the world by denying that they are people and instead trying to conform themselves to some idea, Eren tries to become the ideal of freedom, and Reiner tries to become the ideal soldier. Eren cannot defeat Reiner because he is not any better than Reiner. Hence why, the one to defeat Reiner here is not Eren’s show of determination and strength, but rather his connection to Zeke. 

The beauty of connection in a world that Eren only wants to destroy now. Which is exactly the point what Eren seeks is a release. He views the destruction of everything as a release for him, the peace he thinks he can never achieve in life through any other means. It’s the same suicidal mentality that Reiner has, it’s just a double suicide with the world. Eren would rather die a villain hated by the whole world, then try to live as a person with feelings.

Which is why Eren cannot save anyone in a meaningful way right now. He’s given the chance to empathize with Reiner, he’s given the chance to empathize with Zeke, he understands those ideas in his head and that other people have different point of views but ultimately he rejects it in favor of falling back on conflict, because conflict is all he knows. He’s afraid that if he mourns for even a second he’ll break down like Reiner and start begging for death. He sees that as his only two options, either die and be destroyed by the world, or keep moving forward and destroy the world. 

2. Eren and Historia - Lashing Out

Lashing out is a part of the cycle of grief. You have to feel your emotions in some way, even if it’s selfish, even if it’s ugly, those emotions are always going to come out no matter how much you repress them. You are ultimately a person with your own emotions even if you deny that. However, if you just lash out with no meaningful resolution, then it’s easy to believe you’ve somehow cleared those emotions out and then just go back to letting them pile up again. 

The parallel to Historia is right there. Life is not something that can be lived entirely for the sake of others. Historia is a character who repressed herself entirely, and tried to live completely as a good girl. She was so obsessed with being seen by others, she denied any selfish feelings that she might have. She denied herself as a person and tried to live up to an ideal instead. 

Historia imitated the only person who showed her any kind of love, because she thought that was what others wanted from her. Nobody loved HIstoria Reiss the girl, nobody saw her as a person. 

Eren udnerstands her because his method of coping is exactly the same. They both deny who they are as people, because so much of their identity is made up of the people around them, they love so deeply that they canont stand to lose them. Historia, and Eren both lost everybody so suddenly in their lives that they’ve never learned to process those feelings of loss. 

Historia says it outright, when Ymir the one person who treats her as a person disappeared then Historia completely lost her identity and her sense of what she wants in the world, because she was depending on Ymir for those things and could not find it in herself. 

Historia does not have a strong enough sense of self identity to know what she wants. She is like Eren, always putting on masks, always denying herself, and very conscious of the way she appears to others. Which is why Eren does the same thing, but Historia never quite catches onto that. The Eren whose always shouting about wanting to kill all the titans, he’s a fake. That was as fake as Historia’s good girl persona, but Historia herself does not quite understand that. 

Eren full of insecurity and doubt, because he knows he’s still that kid who could not do a single thing in front of the titan that killed his mother, he knows he’s still that crying child and he can’t change who he is no matter how hard he tries. Reiner is the person who sees that. Historia fails to make that connection even when Eren sees that connection himself. 

Which is why he also tells Historia the thing that he also wants to hear. That it’s alright for him to be normal. Yes, Eren does accept that he’s a normal person in this arc, but he also BACKSLIDES which is a thing in character arcs. 

Historia herself is a character who goes through extreme bouts of selflessness followed by extreme bouts of selfishness. That’s what repression does, the more that she puts away her own selfish feelings and tries to live thinking only of others, the more she gets taken advantage of and used, the more those feelings of hurt and resentment pile up. It’s impossible for them not to.

Which is why what she says in this scene is both good and bad. Historia has to lash out because those feelings have to go somwhere, the problem is that after this scene Historia never makes any meaningful change on those feelings. 

What Historia wants isn’t ultimately to be a good girl, or god, or even to be the enemy of the world because all three of those are roles to play not being a person. But they are fundamentally stuck in a system that denies who they are as people, and to cope with it Eren and Historia both deny themselves, and it’s a bad habit they fall back on.

Eren cannot save Historia, because Eren himself does not know the step beyond lashing out. He succesfully encouraged her to lash out, but in the most recent arc we see Eren and Historia despite all they have learned falling back on their old patterns. Historia lets herself be used by others as the queen and becomes entirely passive, Eren puts back on his facade that he’s confident and repeats what he said when he was younger to keep him move forward, but instead of destroy all the titans it’s not destroy all of mankind except for us. 

Lashing out is soemthing necessary, but it doesn’t solve the problem ultimately. Historia, and Eren are two people who will ultimately backslide into where they find their identity, Historia finds it in living of service to others, and Eren finds it in conflict and war. 

3. Eren and Mikasa - The world is Ugly and Beautiful

Once again returning to Mikasa’s lesson, the central theme of the series. That life is relentlessly cruel, but also it is something worth living. That is why there are always two sides of the coin, ugliness and beauty, why everything is far more complicated than simple black and white. 

In this scene, Eren encourages Mikasa to fight and that’s important because otherwise they would have died, but lashing out is not the only thing that exists in this scene. Which is why both Eren and MIkasa are having problems remembering it in the future.

Mikasa focuses far too much on the scene afterwards because Eren wrapped the scarf around her. She wants to remember the beauty of the memory, the love she was shown, and not the violence. Because paralleling Historia, if Historia lives for other people, then Mikasa lives for one person which is Eren. Because she ignores her own individual will to live which was always there and is wrapped around the idea that living is living for Eren.

Which is why Mikasa is confronted with Eren’s violence, because it’s something she ignores. She wants to focus on the beautiful parts of Eren without looking at the ugly, and that causes her to idealize him and not see him as his own fully person. Which is Isayama’s point, it’s not one or the other, it’s both you have to understand. 

Whereas, Eren himself does the opposite of MIkasa even though it’s a moment they shared together. He forgets the moment that he wrapped the scarf around Mikasa, the moment of resolution and connection afterwards because he thinks what saved her is the violence. He has also forgotten that she needed both, both the violent liberation and the lashing out to affirm her own feelings, but also the connection to another person and the comfort afterwards. Which is why we see Eren give such a meaningful glance at the part of the scene he’s forgotten. 

The point being that Mikasa herself is unattaching herself from Eren, and coming along to a much more nuanced version of her feelings towards him due to their confrontation. 

So we see the parallel to this scene. Eren liberates a little girl from slavers the same way he did with Mikasa so long ago in the past, and it’s a direct parallel because we are also reminded of this scene again one chapter ago. 

However, unlike back then Eren offers her no comfort or connection. He encourages her to lash out with nothing else. He’s seen a girl miserable her whole life and instead of trying to comfort her in any way, he tells her to strike back against the world because that’s all Eren understands anymore. 

Once again we see the parallel in how Eren and Zeke treat , but it’s important to remember that Eren is just as bad as Zeke. What they want amounts to the same thing, the complete destruction of a group of people. It’s also important to remember that Zeke and Eren are both themselves, completely unable to see themselves as people.

Zeke was raised as a child soldier, and he was only given birth to in the first place because he was meant to be used in another person’s plan to liberate the Eldians. No matter how he sees himself, either as the one who kills all of the Eldians, or doing what his father wanted him to do and liberate them, he is ultimately never seen as a person. Zeke cannot see Ymir as a person, because Zeke himself is fundamentally unable to see himself as a person. He’s never been treated as one, and in this moment he’s desperate because the father he  wanted to acknowledge him finally said he was his own person only to task him with stopping Eren.  Eren is just as bad as Zeke. Eren lost his mother, and his home, sense of security for three years and Eren’s way to deal with that was to do what Grisha did to Zeke, to himself. He denied he was a person in any way in order to deny the feelings of grief that came with the idea that he could lose everything at any moment, as suddenly and violently as he did with Carla. Eren too, is just like Ymir someone who feels like he’s never been free once in his life and therefore his only act of freedom comes in his decision to lash out against everything. 

Eren sees himself in Ymir, someone fundamentally unable to be a person because of the sense of responsibility they have towards the world. That is why what he tells Ymir is something he utlimately wants to hear, that she is a person, that she does not belong to anyone. 

But, Eren is the same as Zeke. That prevents him from truly sympathizing or saying anything affirming of life towards Ymir. Remember, Ymir is someone who was used and abused as a child. Eren thinks it’s perfectly okay to kill children and use them in that way if you get the end result you want, or at least he’s justified that to himself. He’s telling one girl the way the world treated her was wrong, when he himself has broken children in order to get what he wants. 

Eren offers her the right to choose, but it’s very clearly a don’t do what my brother wants you to do, do what I want you to do instead. He says she’s free to choose, but he clearly wants to use her power to lash out against the world 

He doesn’t ask her what she wants, he just gives her an alternative. Which is why a beautiful scene of Eren empathizing with a little girl and telling her she does not have to serve others, she has her own emotions, and she’s allowed to be angry at the world for how it ultiamtely mistreated her is also ugly. 

Because Eren’s idea of liberation ultimately is just chains under a different name. He’s stuck in a cycle of lashing out in grief that he cannot escape from, nor can he help others get out of. He’s chained to his own emotions of anger, and hatred, because he ultimately is unwilling to let go of them and admit that he’s just like Ymir. That he’s that crying child too. 

Eren can keep fighting, but he can’t overcome, and he can’t find any comfort in the world anymore, only more violence. Which is why Eren ultimately can’t save that little girl, only use her in the same way others have used her, use her power to destroy the people he wants to destroy. He an’t show her what is beautiful about the world the same way that he did to Mikasa once. He cannot reach out a hand to her. 

Nobody wants me, they can all just die.  Then what is your hand for, Eren? 

[marmarparadoxa]

I fear the ending will not be satisfying, my concern is that he's not really addressing the plot points before we got to this stage. Historia's situation is something I so confused about like what's the point of off screen a character who's arc is so relevant in this final arc.

I’m as concerned as you, anon. We’re approaching the ending by now and there’re so many open issues that I don’t really know how Isayama will explain all of what we need to know to make the ending a satisfying one. Instead of an Ackertalk, the revelation of Zeke’s whereabouts, what role does Ymir the founder have in the Rumbling?,and a genuine EMA confrontation, Isayama is just focusing on drawing as much suffering and pain as possible, but what’s the point? I have to say that I’m not really liking how he's been handling things recently, and my hopes of getting a fulfilling ending are more and more fading.

We’re all so confused about Historia too. Her treatment is something I can’t really make sense of. We’ve seen so little of her post time-skip, Isayama has off screened her character more than anyone else. Yet, the little we’ve seen about her seems poignantly relevant to the current events. She alone knew about Eren’s plan all the while, without revealing anything about that. At some point during their conversation, she proposed having a baby, and right in this critical moment, she’s giving birth to this child. But, despite the apparent significance of these elements, we haven’t been shown enough to make sense of them. She looked horrified by Eren’s plan, yet she didn’t alert Hange and the other scouts, thus acting as a silent, hidden Eren’s ally. Also, I still can’t explain why she had to have a baby in the first place. 

Besides, it’s regrettable that a lot of fans are merely interested in her character for shipping reasons, and I fear that this can partly be ascribed to Isayama himself. He silenced her for so long, he apparently reduced her to just another pawn in Eren’s hands, and he refused to give us her point of view, or to show what she thinks and how she feels about the catastrophe that’s happening to the world. And I want to know that. I want to know how it is that she ended up complying with Eren, if she did. I want to know which reasons she had for acting like that. And, to be honest, I fear that Isayama won’t show us any of that, leaving us drawing the conclusion that she simply submitted to Eren’s will, not choosing to fight against him. After all that she went through, after what we’ve seen of her in the Uprising Arc, it wouldn't make any sense to me, because Historia had learned to live for herself, to make her own choices. And her choice could never be the one of smashing the entire world, dooming all humanity to a horrible death, out of an insane desire for revenge. This is what Eren is up to, this is not Historia though. So I really hope that Isayama will address this question, and I do hope that he’ll be fair in doing so, not dismissing her development.

[duker42]

Hi! I was wondering if you could take us home on the “making it” series with a part IV? Where of course we *already totally know that Levi lives and everything is totally fine and y/n has the baby and EVERYONE’S FINE?!* need that happy ending for my loves!!! 💗🙃

Last one!!!!😭😭😭😭😭💖💖💖💖💖💖

💜Making it Forever💜

“Levi.” He grunted as he diligently worked, his writing style having to adapt to the loss of his index and middle finger and his pace considerably slower than before.

He had tried to write left handed, but after he couldn’t even read what he had written, he had gone back to retraining himself on a new grip. ‘New grip for writing, same grip for fighting’ he mused as he continued to write.

“Levi” he finally looked up and saw Y/N standing in the doorway. She was huge, in a fantastically ‘holy shit she’s about to pop out a kid’ way. He still couldn’t believe that his child was in that rounded stomach, and he had watch it expand as the months went by.

“Yes?” He didn’t know what to make of her mildly amused face. Was the baby stomping on her again? The little brat seemed to be as restless as Levi felt when he was trapped behind a desk.

“My water just broke. Can you grab me a mop?” His eyes widened at her words and he pushed his chair back so fast it tipped over.

“Forget the damn mop! You’re in labor? Why aren’t you screaming?” He panicked for a split second. All he knew about childbirth was the horror stories women seemed to love to share while men cringe at the thought. He wished he had listened a bit better when Y/N and Hanji were discussing it.

“Levi Ackerman, not worried about cleaning?” She tried to laugh but ended up gasping as a pain flowed over her. Levi ran over to her and steadied her as she breathed through it.

“We’re going to the infirmary, now!” Y/N looked up as she caught her breath to smile at the wide eyes of her lover.

He had managed to made a speedy recovery once he regained consciousness. He had been up and moving in hours, much to her consternation. He had grumbled when she had ordered him back to the bed, saying he just wanted a damn shower.

He had settled for a bath and she had slowly steered him up the stairs, him cursing under his breath with every step, but he made it. After that he had slept again, more so than he normally did, his body healing itself while he was resting.

He had even cracked a joke, saying his missing fingers wouldn’t be a problem if he were Eren or Armin. But he had been solemn when he told Hanji about the soldiers turning into Titans and Zeke surprising him by blowing himself up in and effort to get ride of Levi.

He would bear the scars forever, the red scars on his face would eventually lighten even more, but would never go away. Not that Y/N minded at all. As long as he was with her, she didn’t care how many scars he had, how many shorter fingers he sported.

She was brought back to reality when Levi had scooped her up into his arms. She protested by he ignored her as he carefully but quickly made his way down the corridors, winding his way to the infirmary. He had barked out orders to move as he glared at anyone who blocked their path. Still very much the feared Captain Levi on the outside as he panicked internally at everything that could possibly go wrong.

He made it to the medical bay and set her down. It was so odd for her to think about laying in one of the beds, rather than being the one attending. She wasn’t used to not being in charge. Levi ordered someone to fetch Hanji as he fussed, making sure that everything was perfect.

Y/N clutched her stomach as another wave of nauseating pain washed over her. Levi tried to make her sit on the bed, but she waved him off. “It’ll be hours before I’m ready to push.” She said, noting his pale complexion seemed to loose more color.

Levi felt sick. Hours? He didn’t want her to endure hours of pain. Hours that things could go wrong, hours for him to possibly lose her, lose the baby that has inched its way into his heart.

He didn’t know if he was strong enough to lose them. Fearing the pain of that might be the breaking point to his sanity. There was nothing for him to use his brute strength on, so his role as Humanity’s Strongest held no weight in the birthing room. He could only be there for Y/N and hope that his lot in life would show mercy on him.

He glared at the medic who tried to ease him from the room. Damned if he was going to pace the halls and listen to every pain filled cry from the shadows. He wasn’t leaving her side, he was going to wipe her brow and cringe when she screamed in agony, wishing he could take it from her. Even if it was as gruesome and graphic as that bastard Zeke had said, he would be watching very second that his lover battled to bring their child into the world.

When Hanji showed up, her smile was cheerful and her eye bright. He only glared at her a little as she washed her hands, his relief at her being there known between the three friends. “Took you long enough.” He grumbled, holding Y/N’s waist as she continued to walk the floors.

“We have plenty of time, Levi! Don’t be a nervous father.” Hanji teased.

“I’m not nervous, idiot!” He snapped, well aware that it wasn’t nervousness that flood his system, it was sheer terror. But he fought to keep his exterior expression the calm collected face he normally presented.

Hanji and Y/N both chuckled, not believing a word he said. He glared at both half-heartedly and felt Y/N’s stomach clench as the next contraction hit her.

It progressed quicker that he thought, but every increasingly loud cry ripped from her throat sent a cold shiver down his spine. She cursed him, oh the language that came from her mouth. It made him smile with pride at the inventiveness of her threats. Some of the ideas that spilled from her mouth as she crushed his hand would be fantastic to use if he ever needed to torture someone again.

He watched everyone like a hawk as they moved around Y/N. His sharp eyes narrowing in an intimidating manner, as if he could threaten them into making sure the process was smooth. He constantly wiped her forehead with a cool cloth, and fetched whatever she felt she needed that second.

When the time came, Levi held his breath, partially from the painful grip Y/N had on his left hand and partially in awe. His gaze never strayed from between her thighs, his eyes wide as he watched the small baby slip from Y/N’s body and into Hanji’s waiting hands.

It was a boy. Disgusting and beautiful at the same time. Levi kissed her hand and released it to step over to where Hanji had beckoned him. His own hands were shaking, as she instructed him to cut the umbilical cord. Levi turned nervously back to Y/N, and she smiled and nodded.

They continued to work on Y/N. Levi ignored that area, not caring to see the afterbirth Zeke had mentioned, too busy absorbing every detail of the tiny creature in Hanji’s hands.

He had a son. He couldn’t believe it as he stared down at the little body being carefully wiped down. The little hands and feet waving wildly as his powerful lungs filled the room with his cries of anger. It was the most magical sound he had ever heard.

When he’s handed over to Levi, Y/N sees the brief flash of panic on his face. She know that he thinks he’ll hurt the baby, that his hands have been too rough for too long to gently handle a new life. He looks up at her, his eyes expressing everything inside him that he can’t put into words. Y/N feels her own eyes wet with tears as she watches the man she loves hold the life they created together.

He brings him to her. His voice has already changed, its low and comforting. She’s heard him use it on soldiers as they died, but she’s never heard the love that’s now inflected in his deep timbre. “Here’s your mum. You’d prefer her over your dad. I don’t have the milk you’ll want.”

He treats the babe as if he were fragile, gently easing his hands from under him to place him in her arms. He’d learn, but for now, just watching the wonder on his face was special. He didn’t move, didn’t dare to think of leaving as he crouched down next to the bed and hovered right over their son.

His ashen orbs met Y/N’s and he twisted his lips in a brief beautiful smile. She knew what he was saying. She leaned over and took a kiss from him, not caring that anyone saw the Captain and their boss meld their mouths together. This was their moment.

A cry broke them apart and Levi looked down the the red face. “Jealous already, brat?” He mused.

When the babe settled at her breast, suckling hungrily, Levi laid his hand on the sooty black hair sprinkled across his downy head. “Have you decided on a name?” He asked. He had wanted to leave the choice to her. She knew what he wanted, but she had been the one to carry him.

“Farlan Church Ackerman” Y/N replied, looking up as he tore his gaze away from the eating child to make sure he heard her right.

“Are you sure?” Levi felt close to tears again. He hadn’t dreamed she would choose his friends name. He had hoped, but there was not any significance in the name to her. He had understood that, even as he held on to that tiny sliver of desire to give new life a chance in remembrance of the first man he called his brother.

“Yes, Levi. I’m sure.” She smiled as he leaned down and kissed her again.

They watched as the babe fell asleep, nipple still in his mouth, randomly sucking as he sighed contentedly.

“Huh.....might have to try sleeping that way. Looks comfortable.” Levi grunted as pride at his little boy filled him. Y/N flashed him an amused look.

“There’s one last thing, Y/N.” She furrowed her brow as she looked at Levi. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a small simple band. “Marry me.”

It wasn’t a question, but it wasn’t a demand. It wasn’t the romantic proposal that little girls dream of while they play. It was just Levi, standing there, trying not to show his worry that she might reject him, his eyes shining with the love that he failed to mention daily, but carried with him always. Direct and to the point, just like the man she loved.

“Yes, Levi. We’re making this forever.” She smiled as he sighed in relief and out the ring on her finger. They were a family, forever.

~~~~~

Levi watched as Farlan and Isabel ran in the sunshine. Their giggles filling the air as they played among the trees.

Y/N opened the screen door and padded to the chair beside him. She wordlessly offered him a cup of tea as she eased herself down in the seat.

Her sigh of relief made him look over at his wife. She was so damn beautiful, seemed to grow more so everyday. She jump, startled as she rubbed the expansive belly beneath her breasts.

“Brat kicking you?” He asked, placing the cup down so he could feel.

“Your kids have a thing for kicking, must get it from you.” She grumbled, only slightly appeased when Levi gives her a quick kiss.

She looks out at the kids playing in the yard. It had been five years since she had almost lost her husband. Four years since Farlan was born and they were married. Two years since Isabel joined their expanding family. Now baby number three was on the way.

Their lives were peaceful, boring in the best way. Levi no longer worried about dying on a daily basis, and Y/N treated more coughs and pregnant women than hurt and dying soldiers. They were content with their little piece of the world and Hanji teased them constantly they were creating their own Ackerman army. Levi just grinned at the woman, his smiles coming a bit easier as the horrors of the past grew more distant.

Their forever was perfect.

Mobile MasterList

[jordyngellerxo]

THE FIGHT. 

summary: caleb & zeke get into a fight at at the charity ball event during the aspen trip. involved: zeke king, caleb walsh feat. jordyn geller, nicole hampton

** TRIGGER WARNINGS: physical altercation, arguments, mentions of cheating, blood mentions. **

TAGGED: CALEB WALSH @calebfck, ZEKE KING @zekehq, NICOLE HAMPTON @nicolehampton

CALEB.

caleb always felt out of place at fancy parties and events. truth be told, if it weren't for jordyn, he would have gladly just donated a good amount of money and stayed home in his pajamas. the only thing that made the night tolerable was the open bar, which he had been taking advantage of from the moment he and jordyn walked through the door. he lost track of how many drinks he had about four drinks ago, but he really didn't care. he was on the verge of blacking out and was well past his limit, but he was having fun. so, he really had to thank the countless beers in his system for that. he was dancing with jordyn and laughing with her friends, which rarely happened. he was even okay with being within five feet of that zeke kid who always seemed to be getting under his skin in someway. he peered down at jordyn with a lazy smile, "this is a lot more fun than i thought it would be," he shouted over the music and the hum of conversation around them, "we need to get some food soon, or im not going to remember any of this."

NICOLE/JORDYN.

they were easily almost two hours into the event and it had been going surprisingly well. it took forever to convince caleb to come, even longer to deny his first three choices of a wardrobe, but it wasn't for not. they made it and were actually having fun. jordyn had been in her own special version of heaven. arm draped loosely around nicole with her head rested on her shoulder, devilish grin beaming towards zeke before caleb broke her attention from wordlessly poking her best friend. jordyn's brow arched quizzically and she almost had to ask him to repeat himself until nicole's voice chimed in closer to her ear, "my husband said he's having fun but hungry and you need to feed him... before he passes out like a little baby bitch." the blonde pressed a kiss to the dark haired beauty's cheek as jordyn let out a sigh. "i suppose we can find something for you to eat." she hummed, planting a kiss to caleb then offering an apologetic look to nicole whom she was forced to move to get up, "you gonna come help me find food for the big baby?" jordyn asked, holding her hand out for zeke as she batted her lashes at him.

ZEKE.

zeke wasn't the type to waste his chances for throwing back liquor and celebrating... anything deemed appropriate by the blond. mostly he enjoyed celebrating himself. did he ever foresee himself within close range distance of any kind with jordyn's fiance? not at all, especially considering he never liked to address the other man by his name, let alone breathe in the same space as him. being at a charity event of any kind wasn't the time or the place for him to get into trouble, so he kept as best a distance as he could within the time span that he'd been here. rolling his eyes as he watched her being smug and tempting him to stick his tongue out like a child. he couldn't help but snicker at the whole conversation or the fact that caleb seemed to be rather lightweight in comparison to jordyn. tossing his head back, an exaggerated sigh slipped from zeke's mouth as he debated his options. "are we getting more shots, too? cause i need more liquor in my system." even as he'd already chosen that going with his friend was a more favorable option than being in caleb's presence.

CALEB.

caleb kept his arm wrapped around jordyn's waist as he stood up, "see? this is why i love you. you don't get too mad when i need food at these ridiculously long parties," he grinned. caleb looked over at nicole and shook his head, "and you," he pointed at her, "you don't get to call me a little bitch when i know about your secret little rendezvous with you know who," he sang and gave a pointed look toward zeke before he tapped his finger on the tip of nicole's nose. he definitely should not have said that as loud as he did, but his inhibitions were long gone. looking back at jordyn he tilted his head to the side, "do you think they've got steak? or is this an hors d'oeuvres situation?"

NICOLE/JORDYN.

jordyn’s gaze shifted up to mouth an i love you to caleb, who was watching her with that drunken twinkle in his eye. her expression was full of amusement…but not surprise. caleb could do anything, but truth be told, jordyn could drink him under the table any day of the week. a trait she got from her father. "mhm, be sure to add that in your vows. that just really hits home for me, all star." the brunette hummed which made nicole chuckle. nicole, who too had been drinking since she'd arrived, was now using jordyn as cover to cuddle into to keep her out of trouble and from looking over to her ex. the sweet smile on her characteristics full of amusement for caleb's drunken ramble falling as he continued speaking. in fact, she froze, no longer protected by jordyn. she couldn't figure what he was talking about. they'd been pretty good tonight. or tried to in front of people. unless caleb wasn't talking about tonight. nikki's eyes swiftly darted up and narrowed on caleb. she couldn't even move after his drunken slur when his finger landed on her nose. the only person who knew about her only rendezvous was olivia. she couldn't see zeke spilling details of her birthday night to anyone... not after everything they'd been through, not with how he was with her... but especially not confiding their friend's fiancé. that didn't stop her heart from dropping to the pit of her stomach. "caleb, you're drunk... i think it's bedtime for you." nicole spoke, her voice sweet but with a hidden harshness in her tone after clearing her throat. jordyn's eyes flickered around the group. nikki's puzzled face, caleb's dumbstruck grin, watching as he looked to zeke. her jaw damn near hit the floor as she hushed her soon to be husband, tilting her head as her sights zeroed in on her ride or die. "so... food? shots? zeke you wanna go down a few with me? anything for anyone before i go get this big baby to bed?" jordyn asked in attempts to lighten the mood and divert attention for caleb's rambles.

ZEKE.

zeke had been focused on the prospect of alcohol, ignoring a majority of what slipped out of the other’s mouth. amber hues and his full attention zeroed in as he spoke to nicole, his entire body going ridged. the blond hadn’t told anyone about his stolen moments with nicole, let alone caleb of all people. his thoughts circled back to the one night that could be what the other male was talking about the same time he was searching nicole’s expression for reassurance that she hadn’t confided about that night to caleb. he couldn’t see it, but none of that mattered to the feelings surface within as he stood there. “maybe you should watch what the fuck you’re speakin’ on when it has nothing to do with you.” he glared at the other male, before letting his attention return to his best friend. “no, no, moments passed i wanna know what the fuck ol dude thinks he knows so much about now.”

CALEB.

caleb was drunk, but he wasn’t drunk enough to immediately know that he had fucked up. that he had fucked up in a major way, at that. he cleared his throat and stood up straight. he forgot that he was the only one that knew that he knew what had happened in jordyn’s bar. “right,” he mumbled, “i’m too drunk,” he agreed. he was ready to leave the party and leave it at that, but of course things couldn’t be that easy. zeke had to say something and there was no way caleb could just let it go. his arm around jordyn’s waist tightened ever so slightly as he turned to glare zeke, “and maybe you shouldn’t fuck another dudes girl in my fiancé’s bar,” he growled lowly. there really was no going back now. the shots had been fired and he’d have to deal with the consequences tomorrow.

NICOLE/JORDYN.

just like that, in the blink of an eye things had gone from bad to worse. it was almost impossible for jordyn to keep her eyes from popping out of her head nor the unruly gasp which escaped from her lips as she stood there. her brain frantically trying to process and defuse the situation at the same time, but that was wishful thinking. she opened her mouth to speak, but nothing came out. that's when nicole's voice sounded and stole the words right from her mouth. "caleb!" the blonde hissed, voice lowered, green eyes locked on jordyn's soon to be husband. "you don't have the slightest clue on what you're talking about and whatever happens between me and zeke is absolutely none of your business. at all." she couldn't tell if it was her defensiveness over the look exchanged from caleb to zeke, or the idea of him running his mouth on a situation that she didn't regret, but didn't want an entire charity event to be privy to. "caleb, what the fuck. just stop. leave whatever this is alone." jordyn murmured trying to keep whatever this was under wraps. "i think we should just call it a night, walsh."

ZEKE.

zeke could barely hear the attempts being made to diffuse the situation and shut caleb up, but he’s caught the words that the other male had tossed in his direction and he stepped closer toward the other, his features tightened as he glared. “and you should learn not to act like a little fucking bitch and open your mouth on something that you know fuck all about. not only out of respect for your wife but your friend,” he all but spat the words in disgust as he scoffed out a harsh laugh. “if you can’t handle your liquor maybe you should slow it the fuck down when you’re in public. talk about some loose fuckin lips, you’re marrying one nosey motherfucker, jordynella. “ tossing a half glance at his friend but keeping his eyes on the other male for the most part.

CALEB.

it was easy for caleb to ignore nicole and jordyn's attempts to get him to shut the hell up once zeke started to get more aggresive with him. he knew there was no chance that they were going to avoid some kind of altercation between the two of them. honestly, it was a long time coming. caleb was pretty sick of zeke's holier-than-thou attitude he had whenever caleb was out with him and jordyn. he looked between the two girls and scoffed, "i know exactly what i'm talking about and you do too," he rolled his eyes. "you didn't have to react to what i said, you all made it obvious what i was talking about." he did try to not mention names or speak loudly enough for other people to hear him. as soon as zeke moved closer to him, caleb stiffened, "how the fuck am i nosey? it's not my fault you were careless and didn't check to turn of the fucking alarm. you're lucky i didn't call the cops on your dumb ass," he growled. caleb was getting heated maybe a little too fast, but he wasn't about to stop. "and you know what? forget all the rest of this shit," he huffed, "i'm sick and fucking tired of your rude little remarks and blatant disrespect. i've done nothing to you and you're an ass to me for no fuckin reason," he continued without missing a beat. he had sobered up pretty quickly and was ready for a fight. "you know, maybe we should take this outside," he spat.

NICOLE/JORDYN.

there were a lot of things that nicole hampton could stomach or would actively play off like she could but hearing someone or anyone speak to... or at zeke the way caleb was something that struck a nerve so hard and deep she couldn't see straight. she could handle her own when it came to defending herself and her choices, but what she wouldn't stand for or allow under any circumstances was someone especially a drunken caleb. "that is absolutely none of your fucking business like i said." even knowing she was done with anything involving her ex old habits died hard, and there wasn't a single person she'd be even the slightest bit okay with speaking to him the way he was being spoken to now. "jordyn gave the keys to me, not zeke. i had him meet me, so if you wanna be a bitch about things caleb... be a bitch to the right person. even more proof you don't have a single clue about when your talking about with your whole ass chest." all the while jordyn had managed to shift from caleb's grasp, sighing heavily as her blood pressure rose quick in speed. "it's my fucking bar?! i'll give my keys to whoever i want, and i'll decide if and when i call the cops." she hissed towards caleb, "and you, you don't get to give me the side eye. he's drunk - both of you are being fucking stupid for no god damn reason. enough, seriously."

ZEKE.

zeke had never been quiet about his dislike for caleb, despite the rest of the world including jordyn viewing the pair as cute. did he have a real reason for instantly hating the other? probably not, but once zeke made his mind up fully on a subject he closed himself off to the potential to change opinions. petty, always something that could be said for the king male but he had never been one to shy away from an argument or a fight. his gaze shifted to nicole, hating the idea that she was attempting to defend him after their earlier moment and the fact that he wasn’t the type to shut up. “you were real fucking private about tossing a look at me, so the fuck do you think I was gonna do? sit the fuck back while you continue to talk bullshit? you made it pretty fucking obvious where you were tryna throw accusations around when I don’t give a fuck what you saw,” zeke cocked his head, the actor forcing out a fake laugh as he rolled his eyes. “you still don’t know shit. you’re nosey cause you out here trying spread shit like it had shit to do with you. like it’s your business to be worried about. probably fucking should have, do you think i give a fuck? or that I’d thank your ass? how fucking delusional.” the blonde let out another harsh bought of laughter as he listened to caleb complain over his attitude. “i don’t fucking like you, that’s reason enough I don’t give a single shit about you. I hope to god one day you actually are worthy of my best friend right there but i highly fucking doubt I’ll ever believe that or see that.” all but sneering the words. pausing to offer another sarcastic laugh to jordyn’s comment, he shook his head. “ he should learn to hold his liquor and keep his mouth shut.” motioning towards the outside, zeke shrugged. “let’s fucking go.”

CALEB.

caleb clenched his jaw and looked at nicole, "fine. i don't know what i'm talking about," he stated. he wasn't going to fight with nicole. he never had a problem with her and didn't want to cause trouble for her. it was easy to let that shit go. he more focused on zeke's arrogant ass at this point, anyway. he let zeke finish his little rant and his insults. he knew the words didn't matter at the end of the day."you didn't have to fucking react," he replied. "if i wanted a secret kept and someone said something about it, i sure as hell wouldn't react, but maybe that's just me," he rolled his eyes. "it's said and done, get over it." caleb was ready to show this kid his place and he would have no regrets kicking his ass. he could floor someone twice zeke's size in under ten seconds, and that was on a bad day. caleb laughed suddenly, "you think i give two shits if you like me? i couldn't care less. you know absolutely nothing about me and jordyn, so if you're gonna go off on a rant about me not talking on things i know nothing about," he mocked zeke, "then you need to shut the hell up about my relationship. she is the only person i care about when all is said and done and she knows that." he could have gone on for hours about jordyn and how much he loved her, but he was already seeing red and had been ready to punch zeke for a good while now. he exhaled heavily and walked toward the door, making sure to shoulder check zeke as he passed him on the way out.

NICOLE/JORDYN.

jordyn's limits of stupidity had passed minutes ago, someone with four older brothers knew exactly how this was going to play out. they were going to get in touch with some deep rooted grasp for the title of supreme masculinity ruler, act like absolute idiots in front of everyone all over something that shouldn't have been spoke of in the first place. that was the most disconcerting part of this whole ordeal. she peeled her eyes from zeke and caleb long enough to see some of the color return to nicole's face, protectively draping an arm over her shoulder only for her to instantly shake it off. "caleb," nicole said, cocking her head back before bringing it back to her rightful place to look at the athlete beside her, "who the fuck are you talking to right now? because i know it's not zeke... and i know you aren't getting all knee deep into things that did or didn't happen that really didn't involve you no matter what you think you saw. it's not just get over it, because it's not just about zeke." jordyn shook her head, pulling nicole back as it became all the more obvious where this was heading, "let 'em go, sniks." it was easier said than done, being as both unwillingly trailed behind after watching the man she was weeks away from marrying shoulder check her best friend, her for all intents and purposes her platonic soulmate. "zeke... don't it's not worth it." nikki called out, it wasn't her place nor business but the last thing everyone needed was either of them throwing hands during a charity event, jordyn's voice trailing not far behind, "caleb, i swear on everything... you lay one single fuckin finger on him, i'll kick your ass." jordyn's brown eyes narrowing on zeke, "don't be fuckin' stupid. over nothing, zeke. seriously."

ZEKE.

zeke couldn’t hear or see anything past his irritation with the footballer, logic had never been his strong suit. the blond already disliked the guy and he’d spoken on something that wasn’t his business. isaac king was a lot of things but he wasn’t someone about to back down from a fight. sure, caleb was taller and an athlete but zeke had enough fights under his belt. he wasn’t kidding any of the times he threw out his dodgeball practice and dodging skills either. undoubtedly, zeke was going to leave the fight looking less pretty than he preferred to be but he wasn’t going to go down easy and he’d not be the only one taking hits. even if he was certain that any onlookers would assume so from his height. ignoring the rest of caleb’s commentary because there was never a time when he listened to anyone and he wasn’t about to start now, he followed the other male with every intent to fight him. momentarily paused by nicole’s call out but after their last interaction his look over of the femme was short lived as he clenched his jaw. turning to his friend, he raised a brow. “It’s not nothing. He don’t need to worry about shit that has nothing to do with him.” He didn’t pinpoint that he meant his situation with nicole, or that night. he didn’t need to. despite the liquor in his system, zeke felt more than sober.

CALEB.

caleb chose to ignore nicole. they were well past the point where any reasoning would stop them from fighting. he knew the headlines were gonna be messy and that a lot of people would have a lot to say, but he just didn't care anymore. he turned around to look at jordyn and shrugged his shoulders, "then kick my ass, jord. this has been a long time coming and you know it. this dude has been disrespectful for too fuckin long and i'm sick of it." his voice was very matter of fact and he made sure he left no room for argument. he knew jordyn would kick his ass or just make him sleep on the couch for a few days, but that wasn't anything he couldn't handle. once they were outside, caleb made sure to walk a good distance away from the doors the came out. he was stupid, but he wasn't stupid enough to get into a fight right in the open. he didn't want to draw too much attention. as soon as he was a good distance, he turned to zeke and his fist was flying toward the actor's face.

NICOLE/JORDYN.

"you know what, caleb, fuck you then." jordyn said, causing nicole to jump. even after nicole and zeke’s altercation, after her saying she was done she couldn’t help but feel like her heart had plunged full speed into the pit of her stomach following her and zeke’s exchange of looks. this didn’t involve her, not anymore, not after she’d essentially just finished telling her ex they were finished for good. those were just words, her senses numbed to anything besides the fact she couldn’t comprehend something happening to the father of her child. being finished didn’t stop her from standing there, heart racing as she witnessed caleb toss his fist in zeke’s direction. her gasp and initial reaction was to step in only to be stopped by jordyn’s hands on her shoulders pulling her back until she inevitably gave in. “nicole, no. they’re acting like idiot cavemen, so fuck ‘em both.” jordyn hissed, pulling nicole back in with a grimace at the view before them, jaw tightening. the fact caleb, in front of anyone in earshot, decided to say something about zeke and nicole and things unbeknownst to her happening in her own bar only irritated her more. there was a certain code between jordyn and zeke, see nothing say nothing. caleb using her as an excuse to get into a physical altercation with her best friend didn’t sit well, in fact, she stood there not only utterly unamused but questioning things she’d been sure about since meeting caleb. “do something, jordyn...” nicole pleaded to the femme holding her in place. sighing she looked from nicole to zeke and caleb, “what the fuck do you want me to do, nik? if dumb and dumber wanna pummel each other into a fuckin’ pulp let ‘em do it. this whole thing is a stupid my dick is bigger than yours contest anyways. they’re both being little bitches,” she snapped, “just go… okay? i’ll let you know when i get zeke back to his room. i promise it’ll be okay.” moving back and gesturing nicole to the doors back inside, shaking her head.

ZEKE.

zeke didn't have anymore time or space to use words, all his energy buzzed through the festering annoyance with caleb. disdain for the male precedent didn't weigh in on the blond's current issue, not liking caleb hadn't ever been a problem for him and he wasn't going to make it one tonight. winning no awards for his brains didn't mean zeke was going to be a complete fool, standing back and waiting for caleb to turn around and deck him in the face wasn't on his agenda. the first hit was a freebie dodge, the blond's fists instinctively swinging towards the other male a millisecond later.

CALEB.

caleb chose to ignore his fiancé and just keep his head in the game. they’d have their fight later, he was sure of it. and knowing jordyn, that fight would probably be worse than this one. caleb pushed that to the back of his mind and focused on zeke. he took note of his body language and anticipated his first move. he wanted this to be a fair fight, so he was gonna let zeke get a few good hits in. he had taken worse hits on the football field. caleb laughed and was swinging again when he was sure zeke wouldn’t anticipate his move.

ZEKE.

an actor fighting a football player — the results were inevitable, isaac knew that. it was a first he could add to his list, though, because despite his long list of fight history and mouthiness getting him into "trouble", none of them had been footballers. or they just weren't any good at their job if they were. he felt the swing lingering, radiating somewhere near his jaw but he could endure those hits. a right hook aimed at the other, ignoring both surroundings and whatever noise or vocalizations stemme from the other in response.

CALEB.

caleb shook off any hit that zeke managed to get in. he knew he’d be sore for a day or two, but it was nothing he couldn’t handle. the actor was holding his own a lot better than he had expected. at least it was a somewhat fair fight. caleb wasn’t going as hard as he could have and he was sure jordyn at least had to have known he was holding back. caleb suddenly swept  his leg behind zeke’s and kicked the back of his knees to get him off his feet.

ZEKE.

he'd all but forgotten the small audience they did have. purposefully not throwing any kicks out, zeke had definitely not been expecting the other male to throw any either and it would've have made him laugh. if being knocked into the snow hadn't pissed zeke off more than the rest of the fight, the cold serving only to push him to sweep his leg through caleb's so he could experience the same meeting with the snow covered ground.

CALEB.

caleb couldn’t stop himself from laughing as zeke fell to the ground. it was always funny watching someone else fall. even if zeke hadn’t kicked him down as well, it wouldn’t have been long before he got down anyway. he scrambled to get the upper hand and close enough to throw another punch toward zekes face. he wasn’t sure how much longer they would go at it but he  could go until someone physically pulled them apart. caleb wasn’t a quitter, that was for sure.

ZEKE.

gritting his teeth, zeke ignored the icky substance he hated with a searing passion as his annoyance rose with caleb's laughter. this was a fight, how the fuck was knocking someone down that amusing when they were both supposed to be pissed off? zeke shook off the thought, taking the hit to his face and returning an elbow to the other male's ribs. swiftly throwing his fist in the direction of caleb's jaw, not thinking much about when they would have to stop. if zeke had any say, his stubbornness and overally endurance, the blond wouldn't quit until they were pulled apart by someone else.

CALEB.

tw: blood 

 caleb grunted when zeke elbowed him in the rib and not too long after hit him in the jaw. he could taste blood and he knew zeke had split his lip open. all sense of amusement faded and caleb was pissed off again. he angrily spat the blood out on to the snow before he moved to get on top of zeke and landed a hit right on his cheekbone. he hoped to at least have given zeke a black eye or a cut on his cheek. there was no way he was gonna be the only one leaving this fight with visible injuries.

ZEKE.

zeke knew he was going to leave this with more damage overall than caleb, he could feel the impacted areas and knew he'd look rough for at least a week. any mark on the other was worth it. he almost took a moment to laugh at the result of his last hit, but he didn't find any of the situation funny. reminded of the icy snow, he felt the hit to his cheek. his stubbornness would only irk him in the morning when he saw the damage to his face, right now none of the cuts, scrapes or radiating pain soon to be bruised areas registered as important. shoving caleb off him and moving to take the top spot, he tossed another hit to the other.

NICOLE/JORDYN.

there was no way in hell jordyn had set out with any intention of getting in between the two now snow covered and visibly injured men on the ground. if they wanted to be stupid, she figured it was better to let them. she didn't have the slightest clue how testosterone worked but it was practically spewing from both men and she assumed they'd catch on sooner or later. but that was her holding her hopes too high. "oh jesus christ..." she grumbled angrily to herself unfolding her arms after the final blows were tossed by each of them. if she stood back any longer someone was probably bound to get really hurt so she got up, looking over her shoulder only to find nicole standing there, eyes widened, mouth covered with an arm wrapped around herself. "fuck me. if either one of you hit me, i'll slap the stupid straight out of both of you." the brunette huffed, bracing herself for any accidental blows, "ENOUGH." she yelled, pulling zeke from his position on top of caleb. under any other circumstances, she probably would've made a joke, but none of this was funny. in fact, it was so beyond unamusing that she knew she'd be unable to look at either for days afterwards. "you have fun? was it worth it? because you put on quite the show... and both you fuckheads managed to turn a night about doing something good into a pissing contest and a show boat for you two and put on show for everyone else." she spat, her breath puffing clouds as a shiver shot down her spine. "get up, caleb." jordyn stood back, eyeing her fiancé on the ground face twisting up in utter disapproval and disgust. "you both fight like a bunch of 3 year olds, by the way. go clean yourselves up before anyone starts taking pictures and makes this worse."

CALEB.

caleb was lost in the fight. the only thing he could hear were the sounds of their fists making contact with each other’s faces and the grunts that followed. he wasn’t sure how long they rolled around in the snow (which at this point didn’t even feel cold anymore). caleb could feel the adrenaline coursing through his body as things got a little more intense. he could have gone for a while longer if he hadnt been taken out of his trance by jordyn suddenly shouting at the two of them. he slumped against the ground once zeke had been pulled off of him and laid there for a second, trying to catch his breath. he could barely understand the lecture jordyn was giving, but he was sure it was something about the two of them being stupid and annoying. after a second, he got up and brushed the snow off of his pants. he spat once more in anger before he stomped off without an word to anyone.

ZEKE.

TW: abusive mentioned 

 the minute jordyn's voice registered, her words immediately made zeke halt his actions as he was pulled off her fiance, his jaw clenched and his eyes rolling. zeke was a lot of stupid, but he'd never laid his hands on a woman in any physically abusive manner. he wasn't about to make the mistake accidentally or not, but that didn't mean he was over the situation at hand. it didn't matter, at the moment, what happened next between him and his best friend. was she likely pissed at him? yes, but zeke couldn't bring himself to register why he should be concerned with it. his amber hues rolled once more as he watched caleb stalk off without a word, but as they flicked over to see nicole's features... his heart stopped momentarily. he was more than ready to get away from the situation all of a sudden. fighting with caleb was easily swiped from his thoughts, because everything in him focused on the expression. any residual anger, adrenaline, pride over leaving some form of mark on a good sized footballer... slid from him and he felt defeated. deflated, physically his frame exhaled all the remaining air from his lungs and he shook his head, pulling off the suit jacket he adorned and heading off in the direction of where he was staying, wordlessly as a half hearted roll of his eyes followed this time.

[jeanandthedreamofhorses]

SNK and Schopenhauer, Part 1: Resisting the Will to Life

(CW: Suicide, depressing content)

The 19th Century German philosopher Arthur Schopenhauer had a very depressing basis to his work which, to summarise, was this: the moment we are born into this world, we are compelled to restlessly strive for something, and because that is the core aspect of our being, we shall never reach contentment. He calls this compulsion ‘the Will to Life’.

We only move from one discontentment to the next, always striving, always struggling, believing that this time, contentment lies beyond the horizon, just out of sight.

But it is an illusion. The dreams that we suffer so much to achieve will never give us the release we long for. As such, we are trapped, enslaved to our longings that define what we are.

Can the longing for freedom, therefore, ever be achieved, if freedom is simply the absence of longing?

The characters of SNK have bled tortuously for their dreams, never finding satisfaction at the end of them. Eren only found dread at the ocean. Reiner’s long-awaited homecoming drove him to suicidal depression. Schopenhauer would say that it would be better for them to simply reject their desires entirely as the only path to real freedom.

This sentiment is echoed in the final words of Kenny Ackerman.

Like Schopenhauer’s ‘sage’, the minuscule portion of humanity with the power to reject the Will to Life, Kenny ultimately gives up his longing for power and chooses death over tortured continuation when he gives the serum to Levi instead of using it on himself.

It is Kenny’s words that later persuade Levi not to administer the serum to Erwin, who likewise felt enslaved by his desire to see the basement, and wanted to do the moral thing rather than obey the command of his own selfish wish.

When Levi makes the choice for him, he frees him from the yoke of his Will to Life, and so he thanks him with a genuine smile. In choosing not to revive Erwin, Levi also acts contrary to his own desire for the sake of Erwin’s freedom.

Erwin can now rest after his lifetime of restless striving.

To clarify, Schopenhauer’s philosophy is not necessarily a suicidal one. Erwin and Kenny’s virtue lies in the denial of their desires even if it means death - not in choosing death itself (which is why Levi shares their virtue).

However, there is certainly some overlap. Schopenhauer saw the world as being inherently so miserable that no-one would choose to live in it if the Will to Life was not forcing them to. Zeke shares the sentiment, and decides to spare the Eldians from this enslavement by preventing them from being born and possessed by the Will to Life in the first place.

Schopenhauer said:

“Satisfaction consists in freedom from pain, which is the positive element of life.”

And so for Zeke, freedom can only exist in non-existence.

Post-homecoming Reiner is another proponent of this Schopenhauesque thinking. His dissatisfaction with his reward for all the blood he’s shed on his mission leads him to conclude that struggle is useless, and longs for the peace of sleep.

Schopenhauer also said:

“Each day is a little life; every waking and rising a little birth; every fresh morning a little youth; every going to rest and sleep a little death.”

This ties in well with the themes of sleeping/waking and death/birth that epitomise the contrast between Eren and Reiner’s ways of thinking that I detail in this meta.

For Eren, despite his various disillusionments, still believes there’s something worth striving for:

While he is not as sure that freedom and contentment lie just over the horizon as he was before, he thinks the possibility of it is enough reason to keep striving - because giving up, whether in life or death, is intolerable to him. 

Schopenhauer’s conception of constant dissatisfaction can never be definitively disproven, but it can never be definitively proven, either. Just because something happens over and over again that does not mean it will unquestionably happen every time. Eren devotes himself to that window of doubt and so contrarily asserts:

Eren’s actions do tie into some of Schopenhauer’s criteria for freedom. He said:

“A man can be himself only so long as he is alone, and if he does not love solitude, he will not love freedom, for it is only when he is alone that he is really free.”

His plan was only made possible by this self-imposed isolation, a lesson he has learned over the course of the series. However, Schopenhauer would probably still consider him a slave to his Will to Life.

Even so, Schopenhauer doesn’t actually dislike Eren’s way of thinking. He thinks that for the vast majority of humanity, if they realise the truth behind their desires, it will be better for them to delude themselves into believing them again because the alternative will either be boredom, depression or anxiety. We can see depression clearly in Reiner, and anxiety in the indecision and self-doubt Eren experienced after his abduction by Rod Reiss.

Schopenhauer’s sage must contend with all of these emotions - that is why he says that only a very small portion of humanity can achieve this state. The sage’s act of resistance is a middle finger to the Will to Life and therein lies the beauty - but for the majority of humanity who can’t handle that, it is better to deceive yourself again. And indeed it is very easy to do so, because we are programmed to do so - we want to restlessly strive for something.

So while Eren’s persistence is admirable to us, Schopenhauer would consider him to be deluding himself, even if justifiably. But does that necessarily mean he would side with Zeke? Although Zeke wants an end to striving, he is striving to achieve that goal. In that way, he is no different from anyone else who strives for something thinking it will make them content. His goal may have changed, but Zeke’s saviour complex is no different from what Grisha wanted from him.

After all, will world peace really come about if the Eldians die out? Marley’s wars with the Mid-East Allied Forces suggest otherwise. However, it is certainly true that future Eldians will be free from the Will to Life: so with that in mind he might support Zeke’s actions.

However, Zeke is the antagonist of the series, which suggests that Isayama does not mean for us to side with Schopenhauer’s way of thinking, but with Eren’s. But how has Eren avoided succumbing to despair? From where does he draw the energy to keep striving?

These are Mikasa’s thoughts, but they are crucial to the themes of the series and I believe Eren has come to understand them too. Schopenhauer has much to say on the subject of beauty, and it is a ray of hope within the bleakness of his worldview. 

Beauty has to power to relieve us of the Will to Life. Whether admiring a piece of art, reading an incredible story or looking out over a phenomenal view, there are times when beauty totally captivates us - so much so that for a few minutes we can think of nothing else. That is the only time that the Will to Life does not inflict us with the pain of longing.

If one can learn to appreciate the beauty not just in art or extraordinary experiences, but in everything around them, then they could suspend the Will to Life for vast periods of time. It’s another means of escape, and a much less foreboding way out than the path of the sage.

Eren sees beauty in his loved ones. Again and again they have proven to be the most important thing to him outside of his restless striving for freedom and the elimination of his enemies. They are his relief from the Will to Life.

So he fights for his friends. They are what reassure him that these lives, though cruel, are beautiful enough to be worth preserving. He must continue to restlessly strive, even if he cannot know whether freedom from the forces that would destroy them truly lies on the horizon. He has no alternative if he wants to maintain the beauty of his world.

That’s why Kruger gives this advice to Grisha:

Beauty, so often found in love, is our best shot to break free from the pain of the cycle perpetuated by the Will to Life.

Thus did Schopenhauer say:

“Friends and acquaintances are the surest passport to fortune.”

So how will all this end up? Will Eren’s striving prove mistaken, and Isayama agree with Schopenhauer? Or will Eren finally find satisfaction for his efforts, if just in preserving the people he loves most?

It all depends on how we interpret this final panel.

It seems hopeful. If it’s Eren, then that’s certainly the case - he has found freedom in this life, and can pass it on to his child. Birth does not mean enslavement for him. If it’s Grisha, it could also be hopeful, confirming that Eren was always free. However, we cannot discount the possibility of irony, either. With these words Grisha might be moulding the dream Eren becomes enslaved to.

Personally, though, it’s such a warm image I cannot help but think of it as hopeful. Rather than just a representation of Schopenhauer, I think the series also serves as an answer to him, countering his arguments with his own logic, using beauty to counterbalance the Will to Life’s cruelty - even while the event of a Rumbling ensures an ending that is bittersweet at the very least.

Of course, we cannot know whether Isayama is even familiar with the work of Schopenhauer. Yet I do not think he has to be to respond to it. Schopenhauer subjected it to rigorous examination, but haven’t we all had the feeling from time to time that no matter how hard we try, we will never be satisfied?

The conclusion of this series will decide if Eren’s mentality is correct. Is fighting worth it, or does it simply perpetuate a vicious cycle? Is ‘winning’ possible, or is it a fool’s errand? Or does the answer lie somewhere in between?

Personally, I believe the beauty will balance out the cruelty. After all, why is it that we read this painful, bloody, violent manga, if not for the beauty inherent within it?

In this way, Isayama liberates us, too, from the pain of striving.

In the next instalment, we’ll be examining Schopenhauer’s metaphysics in more detail to understand why he conceives of the Will to Life in this way, and to see how gracefully the world of SNK reflects them. 

[yaboylevi]

What about this chapter did you not like? love your art btw ❤️

Thanks!

Sorry for the wait, I wanted to read the official chapter and wait for a bit to see if my feelings changed (spoiler: they didn't).

It would be way faster to list the few things I enjoyed but alas.

VERY negative opinions under the cut. Seriously, if you liked the chapter, don't read this, I don't want to spoil your fun or upset you. I didn't bother to write this in a respectful tone, it's not an analysis, it's just me venting. That being said, if you guys read this ignoring my warning and get upset, it'll be your fault and responsibility, yeah.

The Annie's father stuff was okay, though I hope it's gonna be explained why he was the only one in Liberio running against the flow of the screaming crowd.

Then we get Reiner being pathetic once again, I am so tired of this. What's his purpose in the story aside from killing people, being a nuisance and or dead weight to others and feeling sorry for himself? I would've appreciated if he had had some introspection on how his rushed plan was partially the cause for Porco's death and Falco's transformation (and all the other deaths bc Zeke would've never screamed in Shiganshina if Reiner hadn't pushed for another attack there). But anyway if he'd had introspection, it would've been about self-pity and NEVER growth because he seems unable to have that, so I would've disliked it anyway. 

If I wasn't already rolling my eyes this hard at Reiner, then I would've started at Gabi. She's all over the place and I guess it's understandable since she is a kid and also deeply shocked and in pain. I understand it. But I don't like how Isayama made her go from despair, to murder instinct, to calm and collected in 2 pages. It's just ???? Then we have the Eren parallel and I groaned out loud. Whatever its meaning is. It's just forced.

One of the things I hated this chapter for and that I'm becoming so annoyed at in general lately, is that EVERYTHING parallels something that has already happened, and I don't understand if Isayama thinks he's being smart or if it has some deeper meaning like "oh see, history repeats itself!! wow!! a concept that is not being repeated ad nauseam in the series, not at all!! /s". I don't need it to be shoved into my face.

Idk. Also Reiner, of course, being safe in a house amongst titan territory...of...course...

Then the 104th scene. Ugh. Jean's delusion is so annoying. One moment he's rational, the other is like "muuuuu ereh is doing this for us!!! we couldn't do anything!!!", then he's rational again. Maybe if they had paid attention to Eren, and didn't only take into consideration stupid ideas that would've never worked for 4 years, maaaybe yeah, this wouldn't be happening. Who knows. I'm just tired of the 104th whining about their situation. I understand where they're coming from, their feelings, etc, I understand it's a crazy and emotional situation and all, but we already have SO MANY CHAPTERS about it, it's time to move on at least with the plot. It's just so pathetic and annoying. It makes me angry how he's basically trying to avoid responsibility or rationalize genocide like all the Eren goat stans in the fandom. I hate this mentality so much. "if they disappear, so will all the hatred! Do we really have to stop him?" JESUS CHRIST JEAN..............yikes

And then of course they (and Isayama) had to ruin chapter 108.

Then Jean also had the guts to say they should kill a kid so they can revive a commander, just bc he's too scared to take the reins of the situation. Again, I understand the struggle, it's the same as Hange afterall, it's just very, very ugly how he didn't even waver. Connie's been acting irrational, and he's been swept up by his anger for a while now, so I understand his development. Plus I find it more relatable to wanting to make a big sacrifice for someone you love, rather than someone you (think you) need. But Jean???? wtf. He doesn't even think back on the sin he was willing to commit, he isn't ashamed.

Armin as well doesn't even care that it's a kid they're talking about, he's only strategizing. And here's another annoying point: he's able to make these calculations now but when it comes to Eren his brain freezes and he becomes a delusional kid. Where were his brains when he had to think up of ways to negotiate with the world? Anyway, I get it, it's because Eren's his childhood friend and family. I am just so tired of seeing this again and again, and again. We've been stuck on this for over a year... Nothing has changed, they're just dejectedly going back and forth on their opinions and feelings. Really goes to show that Eren was the real heart of their group...

Connie flying away from the battlefield, effectively splitting again the povs we need to follow is...big yikes.

Parallel to Trost, parallel to Serumbowl. Yeah wow so interesting.

Nile dying so quick like that was also underwhelming. And it was unnecessarily cruel, imo, that as a titan he tried to kill children when as a person he was so sweet with kids (except with Eren, of course...).

The Gabi-Sasha parallel left me a bit confused. On the one hand, I don't like the killer being paralleled to the murdered. But on the other hand, I understand why that is [/inserts meta that i don't care about writing]. The Kaya-Gabi moments were also cute + Nicolo's little speech was nice, though a bit awkward, imo. I bitterly laughed at Gabi finally admitting that she mindlessly killed people just to be praised. At least she can better herself from now on! If only her cousin could take his self-pity and do something to change himself with it, but no, he just wants to change others or run away (and this is why i don't like reiner anymore).

Shadis saving these ungrateful kids was pretty cool.

I felt bad for Yelena, I want to see more of her (and maybe Mikasa+Louise), but instead, we have Jean vs Floch angst and I'm already sleeping, because I care so little about both of them.

Isayama painting Jean as a cool leader is just embarrassing when moments before he was pathetically whining and trying to kill a child (to which there was no setup, especially comparing it to the setup for Connie's plot thread. The last we saw of Jean with a kid was him wondering if he hesitated in killing the Cart because of Falco 15 chapters ago...and that was a compelling doubt but I guess he hadn't hesitated at the time, after all lol). The pages dedicated to the killing of the titans were boring, occupying space for nothing imo. Glossing over them would've sufficed, there could've just been the Pixis stuff, and it would've been fine. Which, btw, made me laugh a little in retrospect, because Armin is once again involved in the death of a Commander. Oh well.

I also didn't like that mini-flashback with Eren&Pixis. I guess Isayama wants to ruin every single nice moment Eren had with other people, because Eren is soooo so so bad now uwu, for no good reason, and it's only his fault right? people were nice to him and look at how he repaid them uwu. Big yikes for me.

I expected more from that Louise panel because it made me go [EYES EMOJI], but I guess I'll have to wait.

It's also unbelievable that NO ONE IN THE WHOLE STORY has thought of stopping Floch, when last time they arrested him, so technically why would they even leave him running around NOW? It's beyond me. Do they have a brain?

As for the basement conversation with Gabi, I hope that "I won't give up on Falco" panel + Armin looking at Gabi thoughtfully will start a "We can't give up on Eren" mindset for the 104th, but I doubt it's gonna be handled in a non-pathetic way, considering how's been done as of late.

Gabi screaming to talk to Eren was also very embarrassing from a reader pov (well, my pov). Because she was RIGHT THERE when EMA talked last time, and she should know that would most likely not work (I guess she's talking out of desperation but still...ppl be like "yeah!! they should talk to ErEn!1 why didn't they think of it!?!?!" and I mean it's probably gonna come down to that if the final audio is of any indication...I just find the presentation of this concept awkward and forced). 

I really disliked most of Gabi's part, even though she's a character I have learned to enjoy. I guess what shined through in this chapter is exactly what I don't like about how Isayama uses Gabi's character: it seems like she's just there as a fast-paced mini representation of the story themes, so she's just an instrument to the story. Sometimes I feel like she's a real character, sometimes I feel she's just a tool for the story and the themes.

Armin's reaction to hearing about Annie is...I don't know. aruani has been one of my first ships and I used to be obsessed, but this is just awkward and forced, just like the previous aruani scene that made me angry at Armin. I don't even understand if Armin's shocked, scared or happy. All of these don't make sense to me, because I have no clue what he even expects from her.

Annie's release from the crystal happened in an unexpected way which i appreciated, though I would've liked it more if she had decided to get out on her own. But it depends on if she was stuck in there or if she was still willingly escaping from reality. If she was stuck, I will love this a lot more, because basically Eren set her free.

Also, Eren's radio podcast was longer I guess ("Eren said he would undo all the hardening"), and I wonder why we couldn't hear it all. Sigh.

In general, the "theme thread" of the chapter (adults & kids) felt really pushed in our face. I appreciate when things are a bit more subtle, this just came off as...boring, because every scene made me go "well, of fucking course this scene would end like this...". The only tense moment was the Connie part, let's be real.

And yeah, my perception may be also partially because I am so tired of no Eren pov and "eren is the evil, evil villain" rhetoric, so maybe I will appreciate this chapter more once we get his pov at the end of the story (bc i have no illusions left that this won't happen anytime before the finishing line). For now, I'm just frustrated because I didn't care about ANY of the things that went down in this chapter. Like, okay, let's move on, ffs.

Everything felt forced and contrived, like, Isayama must know that nobody cares about this stuff that much and everyone would prefer to see literally anything else amongst Eren, Historia, Levi&Hange, the Colossals. Hell, imagine if this chapter didn't have Annie at the end. That was the only thing that made this chapter barely worth the read for me. I hope the next one will at least follow Connie and Annie, if I can't get any of the other things that interest me.

[momtaku]

(1/4) I dunno mum. I love your meta, but no matter how much Pieck/Reiner (both well written characters that I love) rely on their friends, they still report to a Nazi-like regime. Even Magath though sympathetic, is complicit in training child soldiers and in a position of power rather than a brainwashed, second-class-citizen child. Their mission was to commit genocide and steal Paradis's resources from the start. I think we're looking at this too much by ideal shounen standards.

(2/4) By that measure Eren is a failure as a protagonist, which is why I think so many people hated him from the start, and especially now. His actions are undoubtedly not ethical, but - at least as far as Liberio goes- they are rational. Marley has a lot of balls to come after Paradis after planning and carrying out genocide on them (both with the Warriors and pure titans), and engineering a situation that would lead to the deaths of mostly Eldians civilians (after they had declared war).

(¾) I really feel for all sides. There are no good options. Even now, Eren has strayed so far from the ideal, the best defense for him is to hope Yams has something better planned (with all the clues we’ve gotten I do hope he does). Reiner and the warriors are victims, but their crimes go beyond what Paradis has done or could do short of the Rumbling. Zeke, his followers, and the Yeagerists are cruel at worst or delusional at best, but I cannot believe Eren is truly onboard with them.

(4/4) And Eren himself is still a teenager. To me, it’s disingenuous to compare him to Erwin. Based on who Erwin was, he would have handled the situation better. 100% without doubt. But Eren is a 19 year old kid, with powers no one understands, who has never been in an official position of power. Erwin was appointed, as a willing adult. Eren couldn’t seem to care less about the Yeagerists. At the very least, he’s radically anti-appeasement. At most… we’ll see what Yams planned for us.

(5/4) Not to say the civilian deaths in Liberio were morally right in any way, or that diplomacy shouldn’t morally have been the first option. I personally don’t see a better option than what occurred, considering your opponent 1) Already declared war on you, breaking Wall Maria after a peace agreement and, 2) would most likely send any negotiators back to you as pure titans, but I am no strategist. As much as I love Armin, it would have been nice to see Erwin’s take.

(6/4) Sorry for any salt. I respect the hell out of you. I agree with about 95% of your stuff and I really admire your respectful attitude, despite all the hate you receive. Keep up the good work!

I woke up to eleven asks this morning and was worried 😅 This is good though. I appreciate your thoughtful reply and I likewise respect the hell out of everything you’ve written here. I agree with about 95% of it. In fact I thought about some of these very things as I was writing my posts. 

The Marleyan regime was a nightmare. There’s no arguing that. All I can say is that everyone who was formerly in authority is dead except Magath, and he was pushing for change. He feels like someone who would sit across the table from people like Hange and Armin to make change that benefits everyone. I don’t have that confidence in Eren or the Jaegerists, who seem wholly nationalistic in their attitudes. If people like Floch and Yelena are indicative of the sort of leaders a restored Eldia would have, it would be as bad or worse than Marley. 

We can compare the wrongs of Marley, the wrongs of the Jaegerists, and the wrongs of ancient Eldia to try to determine who get’s the Award for Most Wrong, but I think that’s sort of pointless at this point. I really like the attitude Mr. Braus proposed in chapter 112 when he said it’s time for the adults to shoulder the sins and hatreds of the past. 

As you say, there are no good options. I don’t trust Marley. I don’t trust Eren, Zeke or the Jaegerists either. Like Pieck, I’m more inclined to put my trust in the individuals who I think can best effect change.

What you write about Eren and Erwin I also agree with. It highlights my biggest issue with Eren right now, namely, that he has no right to be unilaterally calling the shots. He’s confusing power with authority and shutting out the people who earned the right to be making decisions. He has his reasons, I’m sure he does, and I want to stay hopeful about those, but it’s wrong and people are suffering because of it. 

I hope this helps explain better my short post. Thank you again for letting me know your viewpoint on this! I hope we can chat again.

[dammitadolfnomorecake]

🏰⚔️🐲🐲👑 DMODT- 50 start

Curled up with Luca, Eren was in a state of shock. His hand hadn't left his stomach since the healer had left them. He wasn't supposed to be pregnant. No. He couldn't be pregnant. It was impossible. He'd given up that part of his soul, and lost Levi's clutch because of it. This was wrong. All of this was wrong. This was the wrong bed, in the wrong manor, in the wrong country, and to the wrong alpha... He wanted to run, to scream, to claw the life inside of him out, but none of that happened because he just felt so numb to the whole concept of being pregnant... again. Hearing a soft knock on the door, the omega knew it was Armin. Not just because of the lightness of the steps, or the honey smelling soap he used, but because Mikasa refused to let anyone else near his room "Come in!" Luca chirped as he stretched before walking across the blankets of the bed and jumping down with a light thud. He knew when it was breakfast time, and he knew Armin usually brought breakfast up. Given he wasn't allowed to take any herbs that weren't approved by the royal healers, his friend stopped by to collect the herbal powders prescribed for morning sickness, before visiting him. Opening the door, Armin smiled down at Luca "Hello. Are you hungry? I've got some mince for you, as well as your milk" "You're spoiling him" "He's a growing boy. Speaking of growing, how are you feeling today?" "I haven't thrown up yet" "That's progress" There was that, and the smallest of bumps his belly had become in the past few weeks since being told of his pregnancy. He couldn't escape the truth, so why couldn't his mind just accept it? Closing the door, Armin went about fussing over breakfast for Luca. So far no one had tried to get rid of the child, and he didn't know if he was disappointed or not by that "I was thinking we could take Luca for a walk today? It's warm outside, so your lungs should be alright" With no fireplace in his own room quarters, cold nights now meant spending most of his time in shower for the steam. The constant flow of hot water could only come from magic sources "That'd be nice" For Luca. Eren just wanted to stay laying in bed. If he left the window open, the eagle carrying his updates from Eldia would fly right to his bed "Awesome. I did suggest we ride down to the port and take a look around, but Mikasa said it was too dangerous" "For who?" "You. She knows you don't love riding, and that you're not that great at it" "Actually... I can ride quite well now. I wouldn't mind going down to the port" "Really?! You want to go riding? I thought you didn't like horses" "They're not all that bad. I prefer them to ships" "Did you and... never mind..." God. He really should be over it all. It'd been 3 months since Levi left, and everyone was still on eggshells about the topic "We rode for about three weeks. Down from what they call Europe. Though, for about two of those weeks we crossed the desert on camels..." Levi had laid claim to his body, flooded him with his seed over and over. The baby inside of him was supposed to be Levi's. The alpha was everything he wanted in the father of his child. He knew how wrapt he would have been, and how attending and kind... He would have taught their child to ride a horse and wield a sword... The hand against his swell rubbed at it slowly "It's ok" "It's not ok. We wanted children, Armin. We wanted that dream and future. Now I'm pregnant to the wrong alpha, who I haven't seen since he found he was to be a father" "Isn't that a good thing?" "It is. I just... I know it's foolish, but he was... soft? at the party. When I got sick, he actually growled at the people trying to help, then carried me to the carriage" He didn't have feelings for Zeke. But not knowing why he helped... left him wondering if the was ok. Or if he'd seen something like that before with a pervious lover. The man was a sleaze, yet had limited his man-whore ways since they'd wed "Eren, you do know who he is and what he's done?" "I hold no illusions over Zeke's character, and I'm quite sure he'd erase Eldia if he could. But that won't change this... inside of me" "I still can't believe you're actually pregnant" "I can't either. I don't know if it's a clutch or a human child, so I can't say how long the pregnancy will last" "You're around 12 weeks, aren't you?" "Yeah. I've only had sex with Zeke those two nights. When he first told me we'd be wed, I was scared he would force himself upon me each night. It's nice to know all these black scales of mine repulse him enough to keep him away" "I was scared too... I thought you wouldn't be able to come back from what he'd done to you" "Armin, it hurt. It hurt so fucking much... but we all had a dream for Eldia. If it's for the sake of peace, I'll find a way to be ok" The handle of the cup in Armin's hold snapped. Armin letting out a long breath as he placed it down "Armin?" "You shouldn't have to just be ok! I might be a stupid kid, but I don't get it. I don't get how you can sit there, clearly not over your alpha, and still hurt from his leaving you. And you sit there, and... you weren't supposed to fall pregnant to him. When do you get your happy ever after? It's not fair Eren. I don't... you shouldn't have to have to this baby if you don't want it. You shouldn't have to sleep with someone like him, just to keep Eldia safe. You're not even a real prince. If I was prince, I would have married you and kept you in Eldia, where no one could touch you. I hate this place, and I hate what it's doing to you!" "Armin..." "No! You keep talking about peace, but this all too much! I hate it! He broke you and left you! And you still love him! I can't even be mad at him, because he wasn't mentally stable! I want to punch him in the face for leaving, and I want him to come save us from all of this!" Climbing out his bed, Eren walked over to Armin. Gathering his friend into his hold, he nodded "I hate him for leaving me. For leaving Luca. But I'm still in love with him.... I still love and want to be with him... I tried to hide how bad things were, but even that didn't keep him beside me... some nights I can't sleep because I'm so worried that he's hurt somewhere out there. That he's lying in a ditch somewhere bleeding out, and I'll never see him again... we wanted... we wanted a baby so badly, Armin... it's supposed to be his..." Vomit filled his mouth, Eren half shoving Armin away as ran to the bathroom. In his mind, his omega was one great big mess. It hated him for thinking of aborting the child, while Eren hated himself for not being able to. Armin was right. He needed to get out of the manor. Having choked down breakfast, and kept it down for longer than half an hour, the four of them headed out to back lawns of the manor house, as Mikasa wouldn't let him on a horse in his "condition". This was least faking feeling part of whole castle grounds. Long ago another building had stood on the site of the manor, its thick foundations were blackened and broken yet left standing as show of strength. Marley's soldiers had swept in and raised it to the ground, though no one knew just when that was exactly. Eren hated that Marley had destroyed something that would have taken decades to build, but the fact they were still there was proof of something outside of polite fakeness. Enjoying the feeling of the sun, Eren was sitting on the grass beside Armin, while Luca chased Mikasa around as Mikasa tried to work out. Even if the female alpha was annoyed at her having her workout disturbed, she'd become much more adept at hiding it from Luca, calling it stamina training instead of playing chasey. Luca might not have got the concept completely, but he was happy to chance Mikasa around. Sighing to himself, Eren accidentally interrupted the game in front of him, Luca abandoning Mikasa as he came bounding over to Eren "It's ok, Lu. You can keep playing" Chirping, his son swiped at his hand "You want me to play?" "Lu! Luuuuuuu!" "Luca, Eren is..." "Armin, it's ok. Luca hasn't had the attention he deserves since I first found out I was pregnant. I don't want this to impact on my time with him. Luca, you've got to give mummy a chance" Cocking his head sideways, his son smacked his hand again "Ok. Ok. I'm coming" Chasing around after Luca, it turned into a proper game when Armin joined in. His stomach didn't feel great, if anything it felt worse by the second, but Luca was so damn happy as they played. Caught up in their own world, Mikasa was the first to stop playing. Her hand going to her sword. This simple action was enough for Eren to gather Luca up, as he looked for the threat designated by his sister "It's Queen Dina" Queen Dina. He'd been going out of his way to avoid her "We should return to our quarters. She doesn't like me being outside of my room" Mikasa nodded "I know. I've caught Yelena following us more than once. She likes to try and blend in with the rest of the guards here" "Zeke saved her life. She sees him as god, and he didn't help matters" Huffing, Armin wiped his face on his shirt "If she's that great, why didn't he marry her?" "Because she doesn't come with a country that's filled with resources" "She's also not part dragon" Eren nodded quickly "There's that. When Zeke mounted me the first time, he only took scales from my back. If it'd been her, she would probably have realised that there's magic in the scales on my face, rather than the ones on my back. She's stupid for following Zeke, but, still, I get the feeling her mind is always racing and thinking of what comes next. I'm sure Queen Dina would have preferred her as daughter than me"

[6fu]

Letters from Friends: Thaw 1149

To Tander, Mouse Guard, Lockhaven The people of Copperwood are in your debt. The next new moon has been declared Mouse Guard Day and we will be hosting a performance in honor of your defeat of Red Hook and his accomplices. Hopefully the order of several bolts of silk I placed with this Samson fellow will come through in time for the banners. Tin's examination of the Mint was accurate: while several ruffians may have escaped with all the currency they could carry, the presses and stamps were still safe. The disaster of counterfeiting will not befall the territories this day. Enclosed you will find our judiciary's request for the handling of Red Hook himself. Please see that it reaches Gwendolyn or whomever else needs read it.

And on a personal note, the children's nightmares have stopped. It got better for them when we got new blankets in the colors of your patrol's cloaks. You have done my family an uncountable service. His honor the 36th Governor of Copperwood, Lincoln

To Guardmouse Isolde, Lockhaven- Thank you for bringing him to me. After the first months I figured I was going to survive, and I thought there was a real chance I'd get free if I was patient and smart, but I never imagined I'd learn how my captivity started. It took a lot of my time, wondering. I died that day. And I'd be ashamed to say it to anyone else, but I went back to Sheba with open arms so I could watch her, in case she was the one that set me up. But I think you understand. I think you know that a heart can feel a lot of different things for the same mouse. I'm so glad I was wrong though. Now we can live honestly from here. I hope someday you can do the same.

From Jordan

Dearest Zeke, I know I can be stubborn. I guess we have that in common. But not long after you left I heard Old Tate is retiring. He has (had?) a tavern at Shorestone and taught me a lot when I was in my wandering days. When this letter finds you I'll probably be on the road there. A few more square feet, gorgeous tile, and the horizon over the shore; it's going to be great. I think I'll like it there. I'll keep the name to honor Tate, so my new address is The Sanded Jug. Please visit when you can, I'll give you the whole tour. Look at us now. You're giving ME career advice to save MY life this time. Wherever I go, know that I'm saving a place there for you.

All my love, Christophe

Hello Sable! So glad we can write. We hope this letter finds you well. We have some new neighbors where the Wickets used to live, you know the place, and imagine our surprise when they said they knew you! They look like the loveliest young family, you'd never expect they came from such awful circumstances. And to hear you were there too! In those awful tunnels with those awful weasels! We raised you better than that, undercover operation or not. When a weasel is nearby, you RUN! And you make sure Lily runs too! Well I suppose it all worked out in the end even if I haven't slept since I heard. Thank you for taking care of those sweet young men and their adorable child. If you're coming this way on a future mission, do try to let us know. I want to make your favorites and don't want to be caught without cashew flour this time.

Do update us on Lily when you can. We love you two very much, Your parents

Our F,

Happy Spring! It was so wonderful to winter in Lockhaven again. It does me a world of good to see all those old faces, and meeting your tenderpaw was a treat all its own. Now I know you always tell me not to believe the rumors I hear, so tell me the truth: is old Ivy active in the Territories again? She was ancient when I was green. I was lucky enough to go on missions with her a time or two. Every day it seems your mom has been talking me down one way or another from going back myself. These are dangerous times! I still have limbs to use and service to give. Sprucetuck officially closed its borders to all weasels over the winter, and you know what that means. If we're on a precipice, I want to grab the rope with the rest of you. Your Ma

Hey there good looking,

It was nice to see you, Ivy. I'm getting around as well as I did before my fall now. Not sure it's much of an improvement. Jonwyn insisted on moving in with me. I only agreed so he'd be out from under that death trap of a roof. It's nice, though, sharing the load with a friend. Have to come up with excuses to get out of the house now since he's only down the hall, but that's worth the gain all told. When I do go out, the mood's changed. There were fights; old grudges coming out. Now that the venting is over, it's actually a nicer place to live. A secret weighs on you, even if you know pretty much everybody is already in on it. Still, nobody talks about what was happening over all those years, but it's a different kind of quiet. Polite quiet, not terror quiet. Awkward, shameful, but not paranoid. Anyway, the berries are starting to sprout, and I'm getting someone else to go pick them when I want any from here on out.

Your friend, Lucius

LILY: You made a mistake. If Gayle is in captivity mice will die. The wheels of history are in motion. They cannot stop. We want to help you. We will help in ways you do not see. The Guard is blind to what is coming. Help us help you. Listen to Gayle. Listen to your mother. She is starting to see clearly. Isile is not your friend.