#not that i want to im tired of being some robot zombie thing

[diviwire]

Ghhrhethaaya

[babiebom]

Doctor Who Villains and how I Feel about Them

A/N: idk why I’m on a doctor who streak right now(yes I do it’s taken the place of number one special interest again) but here’s some more of my scuffed content regarding it as a person who has only seen the revival of the show. Though I’ve said I probably won’t watch classic who the edits are getting to me and I might watch all of classic who literally just for Sarah Jane and the Doctor(all of them) being chaotic in a different way than they are in nuwho(I did not know the man used to throw hands like that why did no one tell me?). No the master is not included as a villain because they’re the loml and neither are the Ood it’s not their fault people be mind controlling them. The ratings are how much they scare me so 10 is a lot 0 is none

Tw: mentions of murder, cursing, death, yk dw things!!

Bc: at least 3 or 4 for each maybe more lmao

Doctor Who Masterlist

Daleks

Idk they’re not really scary to me

Like I’d probably be killed by them but they don’t scare me

Like oh no they can shoot at me

I’m from Texas people have guns here that’s like basic

Like I don’t think they’d let me get close enough

But if they did I think I could beat a dalek up

I would actually find a way I genuinely think they’re annoying

EXTERMINATE EXTERMINATE

Literally became one of the sounds I copy

Kinda iconic ngl but they show up way too damn much

I feel like the characters should be allowed to curse when Daleks are around

Like oh my fucking god YOU AGAIN?

DO YALL EVER GIVE UP DAMN????!!!!!

Literally I’m on season one of classic who and they show up HERE like WTF

6/10

Cybermen

Cybermen only scare me bc they kinda give me uncanny valley vibes bc they’re used to be humans.

Like that creeps me out

But I do think I could survive them if I hid well enough

Like actually they’re like only finding people who are making it obvious that they’re hiding

I’m turning off all the lights and opening the doors to make it look like my house has already been gone through

Like zombies but robots

8/10

Weeping Angels

Terrifying

Actually I hate them so much

Like WYM IM NOT ALLOWED TO BLINK

and as a black person I do NOT want to be sent back in time

I think I’d attempt to do the blink one eye at a time thing but I think I’d fail bc I’d be to focused on that

I WOULD however attempt to hit them with a sledgehammer

Like actually I would try to destroy them and then probably be sent back bc I don’t think that’s possible unless it is

I haven’t seen anyone try to just wreck they shit

15/10

Slitheen

They’re not scary at all

What are they gonna do fart me to death

I’m pretty sure it’s something like baking soda that you can kill them with

Like actually they’re no match for my feralness

And since they need larger people (in size and in height) they won’t go after me bc even though I’m chubby I’m short so they won’t try to get me anyways

Literally so easy

And I think they could just be straight up shot

2/10

Sontarans

They have no necks how are they gonna get me fr

Like actually again all they’re gonna do is shoot me

What are they gonna do CHASE ME?

Like if I hide well enough I can bonk them like Donna did

EZ

I feel like if I asked for hand to hand combat they might indulge me

They don’t know I know this one simple trick (being an absolute menace)

4/10

Beep The Meep

Unlike Rose Temple-Noble (or Noble-Temple)

I would not have been nice

I would’ve killed him with a hammer bc wtf

But probably if I didn’t kill him he would’ve killed me bc it’s hard to manipulate me because I’m always confused

Like he would actually get tired of me

And I don’t want the police at my house so you gotta go sorry

Like my dogs will tear you apart get out of here loser

3/10

The Empty Child

SCARY

Have you seen my mommy

Like actually scawwy

Like he’s just a baby and I would be gasmasked immediately bc I can’t help but try to comfort a child

I mean I literally work in childcare it’s something that I can’t help but to be like “omg well find your mommy baby it’s gonna be okay!!” Then immediately I’m possessed or whatever he did to those people

Kid is adorable tho

7/10

The Carrionites

The witches

Eh

They’re not really scary

And I don’t think I’d be in their way because I’m a woman and not powerful at all

So they won’t try to kill me or anything

Like actually irrelevant to their plot and they’re irrelevant to mine

Kinda funny tho

3/10

Cassandra

I mean in the words of the ninth doctor what is she gonna do? Moisturize me?

Like she’s a sentient trampoline she’s not scary at all

Literally throw something at her and she’s dead

Like somehow she managed to take over Rose’s body but like she wouldn’t do that to me

Not scary at all

Moisturize meeeeeeeeeeee

-2/10

The Celestial Toymaker

I LIKE HIM

I want to be twirled around by him!!!!!!!

But also I’m bad at games and can only win by accident

So I would actually be trapped in his dimension bc I would lose

But like eh? Not so bad me thinks

Especially if I can get him to change the terms of the game

He just seems so fun but tbh I think I would get tired of him quickly lmao

5/10

The Family of Blood

I’ve only watched the episodes once each because I actually hate them

So I don’t remember anything other than Martha threatening them with a gun

And honestly if they could be killed by that I think I’m fine

Like what were their powers or like ways of killing people

I don’t remember honestly just possessed people I think

Like that’s like not really scary seeing as they weren’t climbing walls and their heads weren’t spinning as far as I remember

2/10

The Thing in Midnight

Terrifying but also funny

Like haha you’re copying me

Jokes on you I’m not scared I’m just gonna be amused bc I’m gonna make you say stupid things

But also scary bc do not take my voice or my movement that’s mean

I just wanna make you say things that I think are funny be NICE TO ME

like actually I would’ve had fun but would’ve been scared in that episode

Though again in not easily manipulated so I wouldn’t have been part of the screaming and panic

Like would I have committed violence against stupid married couple and the train lady like WYM KICK HIM OUT OF THE SHIP ARE YOU DUMB

I feel like they all lacked common sense that episode but again I’m supposed to be talking about the thing

6/10

Futurekind

They’re literally just people but cannibals?

With sharp teeth

Like that’s not really scary that stuff exists right now

Like it didn’t looks like they ran faster nor did they have like special abilities

We’re afraid of guns and could be kept out by a fence

Actually just people

I could literally just shoot at them and they’d leave

Like okay you’re cannibals so are people now you’re not special and people get body mods all the time.

1/10

Judoon

Scary because they’re dumb

Like they don’t really understand anything except for their concept of justice and would kill me in an instant

Also kinda ugly

SHO TO RO TO LO TO FLO TO

I like the way they talk

But also if you’re innocent odds are they’ll leave you alone?

Unless you try to fight against them

So not really scary just like…honestly similar to the bad cops out there

Like scary but I shouldn’t be in their presence because I don’t think I do anything wrong

7/10

The NotThings

Honestly I just think clones are scary

Like you know that thing that’s like what would you do if a clone of you was right in front of you and it’s like fuck it or whatever

I would kill her

Not because I hate myself but seeing myself would terrify me and I would have to kill her out of sheer panic

And the fact that the more you think or talk the more they copy until they’re 100 percent an exact copy of you.

And irl with my friends I do have an unhinged sense of humor so they wouldn’t even be able to tell anything is wrong bc I talk about eating them and keeping them as a taxidermied thing every day because that how I portray my love (I swear I’m normal)

So they would be able to say all sorts of shit and my friends would be like lmao yeah that’s her unless they eat or do something I would absolutely never do

9/10 scary

The Silence

Do they even do anything except for be there?

Like I don’t think they bother people unless they’re feeling particularly evil I guess

They’re literally just npc’s

Like the most terrifying thing is like them being there when I poop or shower or something and I just keep forgetting they’re there.

So scary kinda but not really

They’re just kinda ugly

4/10

The Beast

I don’t remember anything about this person or thing

Other than it’s just like…satan?

Don’t kill me but I haven’t gone back to watch any season 2 episodes so I don’t really remember

So not really scary just alien satan

Like all I remember is the drawing on dudes face like oh well

And I’m pretty sure the doctor defeated him by breaking some vase or something

Because I don’t remember he gets a low scare rating

3/10

The Smilers

I DONT THINK I WATCHED THIS WHOLE EPISODE

But I was not happy with the doll head thing turn around and look angry

Like NAUR WHAT DID I DO?????????

Was this the episode with the big ass space whale????

I think they were feeding the whale

They kinda terrified me bc imagine going to like a fortune teller booth with the little fake people and it just gives you a bad fortune and it’s face is mad at you now

Like HUH was misfortune am I gonna have because of this

Like 6/10

A literal Sun

BURN WITH MEEEEEEEEE

I just rewatched 42

Honestly scary in the fact that I hate the sun because it’s too hot and I hate it when it’s hot

And the fact that it’s a LIVING SUN and can POSSESS PEOPLE

Like WTF do you mean??????

But also I would have never done what miss girl did so I would not be forced to burn

Also I just read a hella good fic on ao3 that’s tenmartha and the sun is still possessing ten and is OBSESSED with Martha and literally only wants love.

So that has also changed my opinion

So like 5/10 scary but wouldn’t try to kill me because I’m nice.

Tecteun

THIS BITCH

I’m not scared of her nor will I ever be

Would beat her to death with my own hands

Or with a hammer

Deserves no kindness

Like actually who takes advantage of an actual child?????

Insane people that’s who

She better hope she never sees me out in these streets

-5000/10

Toclafane

This just makes me sad

Like they really wanted to go to Utopia and ended up as these things???????

Also just balls that can shoot you????

I think a baseball bat and a good swing would allow you to survive as long as it’s only like one or two

They also have the spinny knives but I think you can avoid them if you try and aren’t trapped

Like haha you stupid metal ball try to get me now as I go in all the hidey holes that you can’t fit in because you’re METAL

6/10

Vashta Nerada

THESE EPISODES WERE NOT OKAY

like what do you MEAN there’s little monsters in shadows

I have to SLEEP in the dark

What do you MEAN they’re responsible for the bones left in roadkill WTF

actually terrifying

Can just kill me whenever it’s dark?

BFFR

They’re name is actually cool though

Also the episode we meet miss mother river song

But like can turn me into just bones in a second

That’s rude

Literally no way to survive unless you’re always in light

And they can turn lights off (I think) so like ur fucked dude

10/10

The Autons

Terrifying

I’m already scared of mannequins and this is like a nightmare come true.

The only way I survive this is if I immediately run

Like I don’t think y’all understand I HATE MANNEQUINS

Also the fact that their limbs can still move detached is scary

Like actually being an adult that’s already afraid of these things I would actually just piss my pants and die on the spot

Only funny part is nine being choked in the back ground and even my first time watching I was so nervous for him

And auton Mickey is actually a nightmare I hated that

9/10 hate them

[argumentl]

The Freedom of Expression Ep 51 - Amazing technology - 'Human with modified skull'

K: Hi this is Dir en grey's Kaoru with this week's  episode of The Freedom of Expression. Joe, Tasai, welcome.

T: And thank you too.

J: Ta-da! We are wearing it.

K: Hahaha

J: We are wearing it. This is naturally cool, isn't it?

T: Yes.

K: Um, if we don't say anything the viewers won't understand.

J: Uh, Tasai, could you explain?

T: Um, so this is another Tokyo Sports T-shirt collaboration. We are putting one out.

K: It was a hoodie before, right? 

T: Yes, that was a collaboration with Don Quijote. This time we've collaborated with the store Hardcore Chocolate in Higashinakano, to create this really cool tshirt.

K: I'm wearing it too.

T: Oh, thank you. Its a Core-choco × Tokyo Sports collaboration.

*clapping/cheering*

K: The back is nice too.

J: Yeah, I mean, I can't see it myself though. What is written on it?

T: Its past Tokyo Sports headlines. The black is pro-wrestling headlines, like 'Inoki's grand KO defeat'.....'Hansen...near murder' etc.

J: Wow.

T: These shocking headlines are...

J: All over?

T: Yes, all over it. And as for the front, Joe, could you turn around?

J: Yes.

T: Those are copies of Tokyo Sports tied up with string, just on the verge of being thrown away, giving a kind if melancholic feel.

J: Ahh, this is cool too.

T: Its very Tokyo Sportsy.

K: Are the white and back versions different?

T:  Yes, they are different.

J: Ah! They are different?

K: The white one has 'Matsui' written on it.

T: Matsui's wedding.

J: Oh yeah.

K: This black one says, 'Brody'.

J: Pro-wrestling?

T: Yes, its mainly pro-wrestling. And the white is showbiz...

J: Sports and showbiz? Oh, so it is.

T: 'Elvis lives' and so on.

J: This is great...ah..'The Monster with 21 faces'!

K: Its nostalgic, isn't it?

T: Yeah, this type of thing.

J: Ahh..of course...Ah, shocking photos.

K: 'Discovery of Kappa'....'Madonna had hemorrhoids' haha.

K, J, T: Hahaha.

J: Does it really matter? haha.

T: Haha, that was about one time a long time ago when Madonna came to do a show in Japan. She requested a bidet toilet, so we reckoned maybe its because she had hemorrhoids.

J: Just from that? You put this headline with it?

K: Your info is thin!

T: Haha.

J: Right?! Zero fact checking! Guess after guess!

K: Incredible. So, there are two of these.

J: What should we do with them?

T: Well, I thought we could make them presents for the people who always watch The Freedom of Expression.

J: Ohhh! *claps*

K: There is black and white.

J: One of each?

T: Yes.

K: The size is S.

J: S?

K: Joe is wearing M, I'm wearing XL. Anyone who wants a big one..

J: Please but it.

K: Yes. For people who want S...um, what should we do...you could leave a comment on my Twitter..

T: With your thoughts on this show.

J: Of course.

T: Yes.

K: Yeah.

T: And we could choose one from those.

J: Leave a decent comment..

T: Like which was your favourite episode or something?

J: Ahh, you know how to do this!

K: Joe, its just that you're always drunk.

J: I'm always drunk, haha. When I see Tasai, Im learning how to conduct myself.

T: Excuse me brother, thank you very much.

J: Your stocks will rise with this tshirt. Yours and Tokyo Sports' stocks.

T: I hope so.

K: Everyone will be cool wearing this.

J: They really will be cool.

K: Please buy it, really.

J: If someone wanted to buy this, where do they get it from?

T: Probably online. You can buy it on Corechoco's site.

J: I see.

K: Ok, so today's story is a Tokyo Sports selection.

J: Its a Tokyo Sports day today.

T: A Tokyo Sports produced story...

The headline is 'Will we rise up in 2021? - Amazing technology, human with modified skull'. As for the content of the story, it asks what new technology will appear in the year 2021, and its by our science writer Hisano, who wrote about some of the things he'd heard.

J: Oh, so he's done it properly?

T: Yes. So firstly, well, we hear a lot about this A.I. deepfake problem at the moment, don't we? Like changing faces without permission, and making these made-up sexy images which cause harm, for example. *1

J: Yeah, its the basis of fake news, right?

T: We are hearing about that more and more, thats the first thing. Secondly, there is apparently this idea called, 'Trans-human' where people power up their own body with technology, and Hisano wondered whether Trans-human technology with develop a lot during this year. Specifically, well, there is actually someone doing this in Spain, Manel de Aguas. He peeled back the skin on his head and attatched self-mafe fin shaped devices to his skull. The fins contain a bone conducting oscillator and temperature sensor, so he can tell if the weather is hot or cold through vibrations in his head. So, this is a way to catch very small atmospheric changes that regular people wouldn't normally be able to sense.

J: I see.

T: And there are pictures of him, so please take a look.

J: If you go to the Tokyo Sports website?

T: Yes, you can see it there. Furthermore, well, there are quite a lot of other examples, like a 'trans-human' using prosthetics, or having an IC chip implanted into your hand to use for the train etc. On top of that, France has plans to make a conscription army like this. The name  of the project is 'The Bionic Soldier Project', which is a really cool name. They would be like super strong soldiers who never got tired and didn't need sleep, and who could heighten their sight and hearing with medication, and would have communication equipment embedded in their brains to connect directly to wireless  netwoks. Bionic soldiers..scary, right?

J: Yeah. Its like the end to the era of traditional fighting.

T: Research has been going on even longer America, in their Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency, where paralyzed patients have had chips embedded in their brain, and have successfully been able to control drones with their thoughts. They've already done that. Even bedridden people can control drones. Technology his also being developed to go without sleep for 48 hours by running electric currents through the brain. This is not the talk of dreams, we are closing in on these things. There is also a plan by Nasa, a mission to redirect asteroids, where a robot spaceship would grab an asteroid, carry it over to the moon's orbit, and dig up minerals from it. Its like the world of Gundam. What do you think of this for 2021?

J: So, like these might become a reality within this year?

T: Yeah, some of them, as far as the technology goes.

K: It'll be like Robocop.

T: Yeah.

K: Its incredible, its like the world of 'Terminator'.

J: Yeah, it is.

T: In reality, controling a drone with the brain is aleady being used in China with toys.

J: With the brain..?

T: Like, controlling it with your thoughts by just imagining it rising. And in Japan..

J: You have to operate it.

T: In Japan they can be controlled with radio waves *2, but in China they can already move drones around using brain waves. Like, its technologically possible to attatch a bomb to a drone and make it fly somewhere and explode...its scary.

J: If technology advances this far, people won't need to study for exams and stuff, will they?

T: Thats right.

J: With a chip embedded...we talk about preventing cheating these days, but you would have all that data within you, or you could just go outside and remotely update.

K: Or you could send questions with just your eyes and get answers back.

J: Yeah, its like already at the point where you don't have to bother with tests or exams.

K: And it would mean no more back entrance admissions.

T, J: Yeah.

J: Yeah, like whoever has the money.

T: They might starts scanning people with metal detectors when they do exams to see if they have chips or something in them. Like, have you got a chip in your brain?? If it beeps, you'll know they have a chip.

K: They could put the people who have chips inside like anti-vibration shields..

J: Yeah, like to stop the transmissions.

T: Oh, yeah.

J: We're already getting to this point in time.

T: Do we even need to study anymore?

J: Yeah, like the era of people using their brains is ending.

K: We don't even really need universities and stuff anymore

J: We don't! Cause you have have access to all the information in the world in your head, whenever you like.

K:Yeah, if you have it ???*3

J: Well, there's also the issue of whether this kind of thing will be permitted by law. Like how far..

K: Yeah, it wouldn't be allowed immediately.

J: Yeah, like how far can human ability be harnessed in this way. I mean, there is the problem of genetic engineering too, but..thats where we are at now.

K: Well, there might already be people like this out there.

J: Well, yeah, the technology is there already.

K: You don't know whats going on in other peoples' heads.

J: Well, yeah. Eh, what if Kami is one of them?

K: No, I don't think he is. Absolutely not.

J: Haha

Kami: No, gods are different. But the bionic soldiers who don't need sleep, never get tired, and use medication to improve their sight and hearing...they've been around in Nishinari for a long time.

K: In Nishinari?

J: Haha

Kami: People who look like zombies, there have always been tonnes of them. There is also an article about a 'robot girlfriend to go for a walk with you', which Gifu University made, I'm interested  in that. I'd like to support Gifu University with that.

T: I see. Yeah, its a robot girlfriend who holds your hand and goes for walks with you, made by Gifu University.

K: What did Kami say earlier about women, doesn't he have woman trouble?

J: Oh yeah. Kami, don't women like you, being a god?

Kani: Thats a whole different story. Um, this is just a hand holding robot, but I'd like them to try harder with more in-depth research on this.

K: In-depth research? Haha

J: I don't know what he means by that. Kami!!

K: I mean, if they've been able to make the robot to this level, Im pretty sure they can also manage 'in-depth' research. haha.

J: They just won't announce it as university research, they stopped at holding hands.

Kami: Ah, I see. I wanna support deepfake technology too.

K: Ha, you wanna support it.

T: Well, this type of technology was originally invented for mens' pleasure. New technology can even start from such places. Like videos...

K: Ah, yeh, popular people from videos turned up a lot in this erotic stuff (*Sorry if I got this wrong*)

J: Ahh, yes, necessity is the mother of invention. Technology increases due human desires.

T: Yeah, thats it.

J: Well, this could be used for evil ways, or for more interesting ways. There are various ways to use it. Kaoru is there any kind of technology that you ever wanted to invent?

K: That I wanted to invent?

J: Like a specific type of robot or anything like that?

T: If you had a chip in your brain though, and you didn't have to study, what would you do?

K: But if all this stuff becomes normal, I think on the contrary, will might start to want to do things in more detail again. When you can get anything effortlessly, you will start to want to do those things that don't come effortlessly.

J: Ahh, hand made things will become nostalgic.

K: Our sense of value would change. People will want to go out and do things...if you can get everything you need without ever going out. And with food, it will be all there, ready as soon as you open the cupboard, right?

J: Yeah

K: Like, wouldn't you feel like going out instead?

T: Yeah, you'd want to go out and see live performances and stuff too.

K: People were told not to go out on New Years eve, but so many people still went out. haha

T: Oh, yeah.

J: Yep, human mentality just goes like that.

K: People will still go out. So, I think thats the direction it will head.

T: A.I. is pretty popular in human competions at the moment, for example with Shōgi, but in the end, what people really want to see is a human competing with another human.

J: Yes, I think thats true.

K: Yeah, its those natural variations

J: Thats it, we need those. Its that type of thing  that is impossible to calculate.

K: A computer couldn't come up with this type of thing. (*holds up Tokyo Sports tshirt*)

T: Haha

K: Its a product of wild fantasies.

T: Hahaha

J: Yeah, that would be impossible.

T: If we let A.I. do this kind of thing we would have lost. Tokyo Sports would be finished.

K: A.I. couldn't make this.

J: Its incredible.

K: 'Human gives birth to frog'.

J: Haha, A.I. could never write this.

K: It probably couldn't, right?

J: Only some bombed out person could do it otherwise.

K: It was worth making, naturally Tokyo Sports.

T: Oh, thank you.

K: So, everyone, please buy one of these tshirts. We have a black and white in size S here, so please send a tweet. Ok, we'll finish here this week. Please subscribe, thank you very much.

*1, 2 Not sure its exactly right.

*3 Couldn't figure out

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[moonydash]

going to write new year resolutions here, but this is for the whole decade (2020-2029) and who tf knows if im still around these year but will see, i need to write down these stuff somewhere and print it out. trigger warning for suicide thoughts and self harm

I know its hard, this is not what you have expected to end your 20 year timeline. Just remember, you have actually done what you wanted to see and do under your 20s. You got a boyfriend, you had friends, you even had a job and traveled over the seas for the first time ever. Now you actually are out of your own and have to start to take greater responsibility that you have to make. So far, you are good alone and dont be afraid to ask. Dont be afraid to ask. Please, I know its the fear that they will say no. But thats everyone have to hear regardless.

I know, that you have a plan for your 30 year birthday. You want to learn these languages so you can have the “last vacation” of your life either in Japan or Mexico or in other places. Explore of your own until the money is empty and decide to be in your childhood home and cut yourself to death next to that big tree. If you get raped or stabbed however under your trip dosent matter, you are not afraid of that. That’s the plan... Until your sister said she will have a boy. Wasnt it you who wanted to be that weird wine aunt to always wanted your sister to have a boy, so you can do the boy-ish things with you actually wanted to do in your childhood? Wasnt it you who said “he can get up to my place when hes around the city and drunk and need to stay over the night, i have my bed sofa”? And you have all these kind of scenes you want to tell him under trip when you are alone with him, that he knows that you can count on when he needs to talk? Think of it. Its just around spring next year until he comes out. Your sister need you, its going to be a tough time for her having her first child. So, for this, are you really sure you going to do that plan? Think, on the other hand, that your thoughts and dreams having a niece which is a boy, and looking at you thinking “i can count on her if my parents is against me”, because if you are not around, who will be there for him?

have a new job is hard, but its time to move on. You wont go back to the old work you loved so much. You can only hope that you will have a steady job that you are comfortable with. Thats is much more important but you need to push foward and become a naggy bitch even you dont like it. Mom is right, you have to be irritated for these people who have to help you to have the stuff and needs you need. or you will never make it.

That said, lets look on the other stuff that really isnt that super important but it will improve you:

Start walk, around 10s mins each day, then process further until 30 mins each day until you get a proper work, it will help you on the mental health way trust me

you have so much supplements you havnt take for ages, you have to take them each day especially D-vitamin or its bye bye for your bones  and you start on 1st january no questions or buts!

so is your brushing your teeth, you gotta do it twice a day, not once. Its fine on weekends to skip but it dosent matter what time of the day you are going to brush your fucking teeth with a electric toothbrush

yeah you going to save all the mails the companies your have search for because you are unemployment for so long the employment office start to believe you dont do your “work” but thats how that bitch is

dont be afraid that you cant handle the days without your childhood crush robot that you love so deeply, he will be still around and its good he will. did you check that post where 30+ year people have childish stuff in their homes? Check it again, theres a load of them so you are not alone being childish in your 30s

Cry once a month, if its a difficult time, cry little more. You know you feel so much better after a long hours cry and sleep because you are so goddam tired after a crying out and you feel so much better after waking up because you just sleep and dont think about so much of it. Remember to cry and then going to bed and sleep, not cry while sleep, unless something horrid has happened.

this is nothing special, but under night of 1st january 2020 or druing the day you going to fix steam. Its time.

And remember, you will be fine. It’s not the end, you have thought of being a zombie under the last of your life when you grtudated high school and look what you have become. You are more than undead. Little more than undead but not a zombie, who dosent know what to do under the 20s because you have indeed some ideas what to become of you, you just need courage and will. You will be fine

[pinkletterday]

Your Vigil In My Keeping

Pairing: (pre) Barry Allen/ Iris West

Rating: All audiences

Read on AO3

Summary: No one believes Barry about The Man In The Yellow Suit, which is why it's down to him to protect his new home. But his best friend always has his back.

...

Iris didn't know what had woken her up at first, except that once she had, she was quite sure she wasn't alone in her room. This failed to freak her out. Barry was becoming notorious in the West house for his night-time wanderings.

She sat up to look around for him and almost missed him except for the sliver of light through her half-open door falling on a lump huddled on the floor beside her bed.

"Barry? What're you doing?"

"Nothing," said the lump. "Couldn't sleep. I'm okay."

"You're on the floor, Barr."

"It's fine. I like it here."

"You like it...on the floor?" she said dubiously.

The lump gave what might have been a shrug. "Yeah."

Iris suppressed the urge to roll her eyes. It was at times like these she was reminded that her best friend was a boy and therefore prone to deep weirdness.

She gathered up her own pink Kim Possible blanket and slid to the floor beside him. "Move over."

"What are you doing?," Barry's tousled head came into view as he hurriedly scootched backward, dislodging his own blanket.

"Seeing how much I like the floor," she huddled closer to him, wincing at the roughness of the carpet through her socks. "Hmm. Feels kinda cold."

Barry bumped her shoulder with a sigh. "Go back to sleep, Iris."

He seemed to have built himself a nest here. His Dexter's Laboratory backpack leaned against her bedpost, stuffed full of assorted snacks, a flashlight and Prisoner of Azkaban, among others. "Barry, what are you doing really?"

She knew his ears were going red because he was running his hands along the back of them, which meant he was embarrassed. She couldn't make out his mumbling though.

"Huh?"

"I'm scared the Man in The Yellow Suit will come back," he said, worrying at a corner of his PJs. "I don't want him to get you too."

It wasn't that this hadn't occurred to Iris. The Man In The Yellow Suit (which was how she and Barry both thought of him, all the words capitalized) now featured prominently in her own nightmares. It would have been hard not to, the way Barry still shook with fear when he spoke about him. Unlike her Dad, Iris knew Barry wasn't lying.

But even when her Dad was being an unreasonable grown-up, she still had every faith in him to do his Dad-duty. "Dad will protect us. He has a gun and can arrest people." It's why all the bad guys were scared of him.

"Joe doesn't even believe he exists," he clasped his hands together, running them over his face in frustration. "You don't understand. He can go through walls."

Iris had no answer to that. The small knot of fear in her own chest grew a little bigger. "What'll we do if he comes?" she whispered.

"I don't know. But I've come up with some ideas for booby traps."

He launched animatedly into an elaborate plan involving a tripwire, spray paint, a joy buzzer, the robot from his science fair project "Destructo", and her Dad's old police siren he had found in their attic and repurposed.

"…so while he's blind and on fire and the smoke alarms are going off and Destructo trips the circuit breaker...maybe I can...warn your Dad or something," he finished. Then subsided awkwardly, realizing that this conclusion somewhat lacked the expected panache.

There were some glaring holes in this plan. Her best friend was the smartest person she knew, he just didn't quite think obvious things through sometimes.

This wasn't the time to bring any of that up though.

(Except maybe she would give her Dad a head's up about the spray paint and Destructo, just in case. The school lab had yet to recover from that one.)

"Okay," she allowed. "But you cant stay awake and guard my room every night, Barry," a thought struck her "- how long have you been doing this?"

He rubbed the back of his neck again, looking shifty. "Uh."

Suddenly, all the mornings he had looked like half a zombie made sense. It had worried her Dad so much he had spoken to his psychiatrist again.

She came to a decision and started tugging all her own pillows down onto the floor.

"What are you doing?"

"You need to sleep," she said firmly, pushing him gently out of the way to make a larger, more comfortable nest.

"I can't. I told you -"

"So we can take turns, silly. Look," like she said, common sense sometimes eluded that brilliant brain, "you wont make a very good guard if you're falling asleep halfway. This way we can both keep watch and get some rest."

Barry hesitated, but he couldn't fault her logic. He gave her the flashlight and did not resist when she tugged his head down onto the pillow near her knee, settling down with a small sound of tired relief. She settled his blanket over him, dug out the apple and started reading Harry Potter by flashlight.

She had just begun reading about Harry doing the same when Barry whispered, "Iris. You do believe me dont you? You dont think Im crazy?"

She blinked down at him. What kind of question was that? "Of course I believe you. You're my best friend. You wouldn't lie to me and you're not crazy. Dad'll figure it out soon enough." Of course he would. He was only stubborn and tended to dig his heels in if you pushed him. Kinda like Barry, actually.

"Okay."

"You get some sleep now," she ran a hand through his hair, always so soft and fluffy like a puppy's. "I'll wake you up when its your turn."

Another moment of silence.

"Iris?"

"Yeah, Barry?"

"I don't really know what to do if the Man in Yellow comes back," he whispered fearfully. "What if your Dad cant stop him?"

Iris tamped down on the fear that was making her own heart beat hard. "If he comes, we'll be ready for him."

His clammy fingers closed around her wrist. "You won't let him get you, will you?"

"Of course I won't. I'm tough. Dad says so."

"Yeah you are," the proud smile in his voice warmed her better than a mug of hot chocolate. "The toughest."

"And don't you forget it!," they both snickered. She found his hand and squeezed it. "I won't let him get you either. I promise."

"Promise on what?"

It was good that they had their own version of this, because this was assuredly not a situation where "cross my heart and hope to die" would be appropriate at all. "On all the brownies I'll ever eat!," she said grandly, then came the serious part. "And my Mom's rings."

"Okay. I promise on...all the cookie dough ice cream in Happy Harbour. With extra sprinkles," he swallowed, voice trembling a little. "And my Dad."

The protective anger that coursed through her was stronger than all her night terrors. She laid her head on his and wrapped her arms and legs around his torso, tight enough to hurt a little. But he gripped her just as fast.

"We'll keep each other safe, Barry. You'll see."

[lungstofill]

I can't believe i have withdrawn from duloxetine (aka cymbalta)!!! I took the last one at the lowest dose this morning. I didnt just come off them - it has taken a few months with the support of my doctor to gradually come off them. It wasn't exactly great but it wasn't quite as bad as i was expecting. I read a lot of really bad experiences people had withdrawing online and was expecting much much worse than i experienced. I do feel shitty as hell today and that comes and goes. Around half way through i had the worst headache I've ever had. It was like someone was bashing my brain against the front of the inside of my head. And i could hear bang, bang, bang non stop. At that point even my birds making a slight noise or movement was making me feel angry and that is not like me at all. When i got to 30mg i then began to get this sort of 'fog' all around me. I feel okay or better some days but some days this fog is just so thick and i feel like im in a complete daze. Tired, dizzy, sickness, not really able to focus on what people are saying, my eyes moving makes me feel sick and dizzy. My eyes sort of feel like they're rolling at times and when i move them and focus them on something it takes a few seconds longer than normal to focus properly. A lot of the withdrawal symptoms are similar to the symptoms of starting them. I got really bad water retention again until about two weeks ago. But i would go through all of it again because the side effects of being on the meds over the years, and the higher my dose got, was just not nice at all. I have made it through and that's all that matters :) I have also had some good things happen, not only bad things during my withdrawal. I feel more like myself. Interest in my hobbies has come back. I am sleeping less. I feel less robotic in emotions and i can actually cry. I feel genuinely happy and moved by things that i should feel moved and emotional over rather than just like 'oh okay'. I have felt very much zombie like and numb for so long that it is so bizarre that i have tears filling my eyes at times!! Feeling happy and interested in things again is just so !!! :) i am not saying that meds are bad. they helped me when I truly needed them and I was someone who for years and years insisted i would NEVER take any antidepressants. They helped me while i was wanting to end my life. They helped give me a boost that helped me cope while i got support (therapy and cbt) to teach me and help me cope properly with my mental health. They can and do help. I probably wouldn't have got this far without them, i hate to admit! I had just been on them so long and they were no longer doing any good and were in fact causing me to be worse than i was and i couldn't go higher and there weren't many others left that I hadn't tried already. So, it was a decision i came to with my doctor. Ive had counselling during it and the support of my doctor. I am also having further CBT now i am off meds. Don't just stop!!! Make sure you talk to your doctor or therapist and make a plan that works for you. what works for me or others may not for you. it is never a good idea to just go cold turkey. Be safe. Also don't get too scared by what you read on the internet when considering starting or stopping meds. While that may be true for those people, that may not be what happens to you.

[smallandinsignificant]

im more tired today. i have yet to do the interviews, they start at 12:45. i really want to get over with it but also i wish i was better prepared, had read some articles and such. i am not entirely sure what im looking for. i want to sleep. i danced last night and it felt good to move, but now im tired in my body. i hope i have enough energy after the interviews to finish some work stuff and also start on some serious thesis stuff. i need to plan for what articles im gonna read the coming days. i’m a little short on money for some things but i found some physical cash last night that cheered me up. tomorrow is dinner at granmas house so tonight ill probably be at mom’s. not tomorrow night  i think then. maybe. i dont know.its very tiring to be up and down all the time. one moment i have energy and motivation and inspiration and pumped up about doing things and the next i just want to sleep all day. its really annoying and tiring and frustrating.

im gonna write down my dream it was scary.

It starts with the story of a young boy who from a very early age has been rained (along with other children by an organization) for espionage, smuggling and assassination. he looks strangely a lot like victor from yuri on ice. One day during the inbetween of missions him and a girl in the same situation (me in the dream) decide to just...leave. And they do, they are just teenagers but he finds a way to get by and when we see him again he is a young adult/college student/but work? anyway he lives above this guy he’s very closewith now, someone who is very different from him. he lives with his mother and father and does everything, he tries his best at a lot of things despite not excelling at them,and his parents roast him lovingly about it. he is happy. And white haired guy likes him a lot. He does however pick up on some strangeness shifting in the winds. Turns out there is a race of mechanical bees hypnotising people to becoming flesh eating brainless creatures. They target everyone who is outside or have their windows/doors open and buzz to cause the effect. One of these bugs get into the home of the brown haired neighbor. meanwhile white has been investigating these buzzings hes been hearing around and recording them. he notices a special lilt to one of the buzzes, and also comes into the house to see brown almost attacking his parents. he somehow manages to activate the sound and brown snaps out of it. they hear mayhem coming from down town and decide to check it out/getting out of the area they’re in. 

The highways are stuffed with cars if people trying to get out or zombiefied people going home. they are to target their closest people, and as our gan gets into ana apartment area through the car garage, and to the first floor, we see and hear one of the zombies coming form behind us. we all instinctively freeze and he passes through our group and goes into the apartment. his girlfriend greets him and he greets her back in a slight monotone, robotic tone. “Hello, it is me, your boyfriend.” she drops something and it makes noise and he goes “are you alarmed? don’t be afraid of me” as he closes in. we cant see it but i sense it in the dream, we look at each other alarmed and white tries the buzz noise on his phone right as we run past and see that the guy has grabbed his gf in a chokehold and is trying to eat her arm. He snaps out of it and they both thank us for helping them, the girl says the guy is a famous man and he leads us downstairs to help us figure things out. as we are talking white senses someone coming through the other door, he keeps glancing at the door nervously and moves us closer to the kitchen area. the door opens, it’s the brother of the guy and he has this blank look on his face.he walks in and introduces himself “hello brother, it’s me, _____” and starts walking towards the guy. White turns off the lights and gestures towards the big window by the kitchen, i try to open it but i can’t(i am brown at this point), a girl in our group takes over and opens it wide and climbs out, as well as the rest of our party, but the previous zombie guy is a little paralyzed. On my way to climb out the window i clank through some cans and the zombie brother goes “are you alarmed? don’t be afraid of me” and as he says that i freak out a bit and throw myself head first out the window, not even taking care of where im falling. when /I/ fall the building is by a cilff, so tall and menacing and i fall to my deth. i try to repeat this scene a few times where i dont fall to my death but its difficult. i end up just waking up being severly creeped out.

I dont know if i fall asleep again but i remembe rdreaming that the bugs plans are to take over someone who has a bigradio station in order to broadcast their hypnotising buzz all over the world, and it instead becomes our plan to broadcast the cancelling buzz all over, and we try to do that after finding out about the bugs’ plans in a camping site full of those car houses. Eh, yeah

[markyishanthonymartinez]

4/7/17

hello hello hello.

im a bad person. like actually a bad person. i did something legitimately bad that i dont really want to talk about but i have to be honest with this blog and like idk it’s on my mind so i gotta. okay how do i say this. fuck okay i’ll just do it.

i missed class today. for the first time all semester. i’m a bad person. i was just so tired after this week and our story last night. my alarm woke me up, and i went pee, and got back in bed, and the next time i opened by eyes it was 9:47. aka 47 minutes after class started. i feel bad. i always feel bad when i miss class. poles is funny. he took a selfie with all his friends who showed up to class. aka himself and 3 stick figures drawn on snapchat. 

at least i got to eat breakfast and then go to the ecc and study for our quiz. also, bags did the exact same thing i did and thus was not able to wake me up and stuff.

studying was chill, i listened to new music. i’m mad kendrick didn't drop his album today, actually mad. i was looking forward to it. the new harry styles track was actually enjoyable and I'm surprised. the new chainsmokers was... fuck them. just not listenable like i can't I'm sorry. i had never listened to halsey before, but its exactly what i thought it was, overproduced hipster girl pop trash. not that overproduced hipster girl pop is inherently bad, but she’s bad. other new tracks were whatevs. wait wait i almost forgot, the new french montana track was horrendous. like what even is that fam. idgi.

had a quiz in systems. it wasn't horrendous, but still pretty bad and that made me a sad mark. 

i got froyo with poles after and then he came over and hung out with bags and kyle and i. we made kyle wait outside for like 15 minutes and pretended we weren't home lmao. 

oh yeah kyle’s here btw. his spring break trip got cancelled and he figured why the heck not.

but yeah then kyle left to go day-drinking with kassandra and bags went to work and poles and i literally just hung out in my room doing pretty much nothing.

it made me happy cause like poles and i literally were not doing anything but we still had super fun times and that’s so qt and he’s my bestest bff. 

he left to go on a tinder date. she didn't come. fuck that b. who would stand up mr alex s poles. like wtf. that hanna bitch better watch her back. 

played games with buds.

then kyle came home drunk and i kinda just turned netflix on and left him and kassandra downstairs. like i guess that kinda makes me a bad host but, idk i was just trynna play games with buddies and they just ran up on me all drunk and high or something idrk.

but yeah

time for deep mark.

okay i kid you not, but i googled questioning general beliefs and the first link was an lds.org video lmao.

but really uh time for thoughts and mark ideas.

okay so like I'm not some all-knowing jerk that is a super genius but i’ve always considered myself to have really strong reasoning skills and i guess that leads me to fake deep mark.

i say fake deep cause idk I'm not a psychology major fam, buzz off.

okay so i’ve had this conversation extensively with myself and my parents and friends and actually quite a few people, but okay.

wait on second thought this one isn't really some psychological deep thing. but kinda will turn into it maybe, if this plays out how my head thinks it will. 

okay so, we as a developed society will more than likely face a frightening revolution within our lifetimes. not like uprising type of revolution but a revolution in the way our entire economic system and the way people function. okay so within my lifetime, i am near certain that self-driving vehicles and the technology behind them will be perfected and mass-produced. what does that do? it gets rid of a huge part of our economy. not in a bad way for economic reasons, but in a bad way for people who need jobs and a method to contribute to society and a reason to exist on this planet. perfected self driving cars won't crash (once perfected), self driving cars will move efficiently and won't be late and won't brake too hard and won't cause damage to themselves and so on and so forth. truck drivers, won't need em. body shops for cars, nah fam. the huge chunk of the medical field that dedicates time and money to car accidents, meh. even car manufacturing and sales will go down cause like why would people need new cars. if you can just nap in your car and tell it to drive to LA, plane travel will take a hit. road work will take a knock, when there’s not people driving poorly on the roads. hoping by this time gasoline powered cars are gone, but if not, self driven technology will be a lot better at accelerating and braking to use it’s energy source as efficiently as possible. the fields go on and on and on and in most of the senses it’s a good thing. like it would be great to not waste money on these things, but people lose jobs, but not like jobs because we have a recession, but if anything jobs would be lost because we’d be doing too well. now i named one field, but consider the continuation of “robots” and computers and machines taking human labor jobs. but not just that, I’ll be a lil harder to replace, but in a perfect world computers take my job too eventually. a computer with infinite options and an understanding of which options are preferred will always be quicker, more efficient, and probably even better at engineering than i may ever be. it’s just a matter of developing a very complicated code. 

i’ve talked a lot but i’m just now getting to my actual thing. what do people do when they have nothing to do? like it’s easy for me to sit here and say idk fam watch netflix and relax, but no really. if even 20% of all currently employed people had their jobs taken by a computer tomorrow, what do they do? like they didn't lost their job because of economic issues or they fucked up, no like their method of bringing bread home is no longer available. what do people do? looking past the economics of it, let’s say the government is super aware and like wow people you’ll just get paid to exist cause we dont really need you as laborers. what do people do? have we forced people into just being laborers? i feel like there’s so many people who are nothing more than their 9-5. they go to work. they have small talk and perform a simple task over and over. they come home. they eat dinner. they stare at a screen for 4 hours, they go to bed. they do it again. i dont think anyone is inherently a mindless zombie like this, but i think it’s happened. if you just told everyone they didn't have to work tomorrow or the day after that or after that, people would have no idea what to do with their lives.

i dont think this, but i should mention it, what if some people really are just zombies? what if some people really don’t think anything. what if some people dont have any real deep down interests. or they can, but they dont care enough to. what i become that. 

i dont ever want to be that. i want to be me. i never want to go through the motions.

i’m better at closing this conversation off in person but i am scared to see what happened when we reach a society where laborers aren't needed. (please forgive me, i dont mean this sourly) where, the less intellectual are put in a place where they have to sit around and feel purposeless to society? of course i’m looking at this in a dystopian sense, i assume that similarly to the renaissance, art and knowledge will be further pursued when we are chilling financially, but idk it’s interesting to think about things like that. also the general public will grow more and more knowledgable along with this and maybe we’d have a super crazy smart culture. idk fam, this wasn't actually that deep but just something i thought of and not really on the theme of questioning things. that will come mañana and beyond that i’m still working on it. sry

-mark