#not that I never fuck up just that I’ve finally understood that people mistreating me

[glittertimes]

Insane realizing that your parents really set you up to be continuously abused and if I hadn’t committed to healing myself when I was literally still a child and when I was still actively being abused I would either be insanely evil or literally dead.

[rexx-lapis]

His favorite little farmer// Bull!hybrid Shigaraki x Reader

-> You work as a care keeper in a farm specializing in caws and bulls hybrids. You love all of them but you just can’t help but caring a little bit more for your little Tomura, who in your eyes look so helpless. What you don’t know is that you’re not the only one having not so professional thoughts. So what happened when your favorite hybrid tells you he wants a mate.

Tags: Lot of smut and it’s intense. Bull hybrid Shigaraki. Mention of mating, of knotting. Anal, milking, prostate stimulation, use of toys, sub Shigaraki. Lot of cum. Dacryphylia. Jealous reader and possessive Tomura. Lot of fluff, they just love each other very much. Reader is gender neutral.

I’ve red @hanji-is-life post on bull Bakugou and Deku and I just got a huge brain rot :((

Shigaraki could spend hours just looking at you. From his stable, he loved watching you work, you were so pretty. You were working so hard in the farm, always carrying something and taking good care of the cows. He loved you so much, and that meant a lot because you were the only farm keeper that he allowed to get close to him. None of the others could approach him without getting nasty bites and all. Every bull had their favorite keeper. Bakugou, Kirishima and even Midoriya had their favorite but in the end they all took turn to take care of the bulls. But not you. You were his one and only. No one was mad at him for that, not even you. They all understood. He wasn’t like the others, as he arrived in the farm in a pitiful shape. He was deadly skinny, hurt, and traumatized, unable to let a human near him. Mistreatments towards hybrid were current even more in farms. But farms like he was right now was the proof that it was possible to met good people. You had been the one to take care of him when he arrived, you fed him, washed him, made sure he wasn’t cold. You even slept in the stale next to him to make sure he was okay during the night. Slowly he had warm up to you, as he was becoming a bit more healthy every day. He was still not the biggest bull of the farm but he looked so much better. All because you took care of him. And you were so understanding, taking his defense and never pressuring him into having interaction with others. The only person he needed was you anyway.

“Hi Tomu, how are you today?

-I’m fine... And you?

-I am doing great! The weather is perfect today!”

He smiled slightly, so happy you were here with him.

“Do you want to go outside for a bit? I’ll clean your stable as you go outside.

-Can’t I just stay here with you?

-Tomu, you need to go outside a bit.”

But he really wanted to stay with you. He knew you needed space to work and that he’ll be able to see you soon but he couldn’t help it.

“If you’re nice after you’re time outside I’ll groom you!”

He finally nodded, excited to come back so you can take care of him. You lead him to the outside field, choosing one that was empty, knowing he preferred to be alone. You waved at him goodbye, your hand brushing his shoulder. His ears fluttered and he blushed slightly. He watched you go back inside, noticing how your hips sway from right to left. He couldn’t take his eyes away from your ass until you disappeared behind a wall.

“So you gonna do something about that little farmer or?”

He turned around seeing Bakugou, Midoriya, and Kirishima, in the field next to his. He looked at the wood barrier that separated them from him.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.

-Oh so she isn’t yours? You’re not interested?

-I didn’t say that”, he said firmly.

Of course you were his.

“Bakugou is right Shigaraki, look it worked out for us! I have no idea how, but somehow it worked out.

-It’s literally so easy for you, she is basically caring about you all the time.

Yeah! She is your personal keeper!”

He couldn’t deny the fact that he wanted you. So bad it sometimes kept him awake at night. Even more when he was seeing how the others all had their little mate for themselves. He was even more jealous when the rut season was coming in and that they all had their personal keeper to take care of it. That was maybe because they all were part of the breeder program. Maybe if he agreed to it, you would let him breed you. Just thinking about made him excited.

“You know how some of us had to battled to get them to let us claim them like that. Bakugou literally had to fight.

-Hey!

-It’s true, they had to put you in an isolated stable just because of it.

-He was in time out. Just like a little kid.

Do you want to die?”

Shigaraki stopped listening. But they were right. He needed to act up.

“Oi Tomu! Ready to go back ?” He turned toward your voice, to see you wave at him. He ran toward you, ready to go back.

“Guys, do y’all want to go back inside ?

-No thanks Y/n!

-Ok, be nice then”

You walked in front of him, and he realized how much you were swinging your hips. Maybe he was just noticing it now? Or maybe you were doing it on purpose? What if you were gonna go into heat soon?! No, humans did not have heat. Not that he knew about. He came back to a clean stable, a lot of food, and he even saw a few treats that were not supposed to be here.

“Shhh, don’t say anything. I don’t need to be accused of doing favoritism.”

He chuckled, getting ready for the grooming session. He couldn’t wait. And god he did not regret anything. Your gentle fingers were playing in his fur, detangling everything, you even braided the hair on his head , taking them away from his face. It felt so good. You applied the cream he needed for his skin condition around his eyes, smiling proudly. Your dropped to your knees in front of him suddenly, your face inches of his crotch. You were just checking his hooves, but fuck, he could feel himself get hard. It didn’t help that you started touching his thighs, squeezing them amazed.

“You become so strong Tomu, look at you”

Yeah he had become strong, for you, so you could be proud of him and proud to be his mate.

“Y/n?

-Yes?

-I would like to become a breeder.”

You stopped your movement, staying silent.

“Y/n?

-Y-eah sorry. Hm of course you can. It’s normal. You need a mate after all.”

Ah. There has been a misunderstanding.

“I have to go. I’ll let you know when we’ll start the program okay?”

You almost ran out of the stable, leaving him alone and sad. Fuck, why didn’t he simply told you he needed you. He didn’t need a mate, he needed you to be his mate. He felt like breaking the door and running after you. Maybe he should have followed Bakugou’s method and just tell you right up that he needed to knot you. No definitely no... He really hoped he didn’t made you sad, or that you were mad at him. It would kill him.

Your heart was clenching in your chest. What was even that pain? Why did you felt like someone had stabbed you. It was stupid, you knew that day would come. It was selfish of you to react like this. It was in his nature, he needed a mate. You already had blocked him enough. You still cried under the shower this same night. The next day you found yourself talking with your colleagues about it. Most of the bull who were used for reproduction, didn’t have any contacts with the cows. They often were violent and cows were too precious for this. But the softer ones had the chance to chose a mate and actually have a physical relationship with them. That would probably be the case for Shigaraki you thought. You needed to ask him what he thought of it. You arrived at his stable, surprised not to see him look at you. He was always up at this hour normally. You called his name, but he didn’t answer. Worried you opened his stable, just to find him laying down on the hay.

“Tomura is everything okay?”

You looked around, noticing he had not eat any of the thing you had gave him yesterday. Worried you kneeled next to him, touching his shoulder gently. He did not react, but you still heated a little noise. A sob.

“Tomu, love, tell me what’s wrong, please I’m so worried...”

He turned around a bit and you could see he had cried, his pretty red eyes puffy. You even noticed how his neck and under eyes seemed to be red, like he scratched it.

“I’m sorry Y/n. I made you sad.

-No, Tomu, you didn’t. What are you talking about.

-Yesterday. You left upset with me. I hate it. I can’t live with you being upset.

-I was not upset baby. It’s all my fault. I was selfish by reacting like this. But it’s totally normal to want a mate. Tomu, baby, you don’t have to care about me.

-But I don’t want a cow, I want you.

-What?”

He sat down, looking at you in the eyes.

“If I told you I wanted to be a part of the program it just because I wanted you to help me. Like the others are doing. I don’t want to breed anyone. Just you.”

Your heart was going to explode. He wanted you, you thought. You heart was swelling from happiness.

“Y/n, don’t cry please” he cried out panicking.

“No baby it’s fine. I’m just happy. Fuck, I would love to help you.”

He took you in his arms, almost tackling you to the ground. All you could hear was little “don’t cry” coming from him.

You ended up leaving him alone, as you still made sure he was eating correctly. He suddenly seemed way more relaxed, even though you could see a deep blush on his cheeks. His little ears were fluttering and his tail was moving from right to left excitedly. You busied yourself all day, not seeing Shigaraki much. Bakugo and Midoriya had break into a fight and you and an other helper had to take them away from each other. Midoriya told you that his rut was going to come soon and that he couldn’t stand when Bakugou came too close from one of your colleagues. The worst was that Bakugou had no interest in them, he had his own favorite keeper, he just liked to mess with Deku. You decided that those two won’t be having any contacts until their rut had passed. You reassured Deku that his s/o was fine and that they’ll come see him soon. You put him in a stable far away from the others, where he would be in a calm environment. You finally finished your day way later than usual. You were exhausted and felt like you needed a thousand showers. But you still decided to go and see how Shigaraki was doing before going to sleep. When you arrived he was already looking for you, his eyes shining as he saw you getting closer.

“Oi Y/n! You look tired .... What happened

- We had to separate Midoriya and Bakugou earlier, they are going into rut. So I had a lot of work. It was a long day.”

You saw him look at you with more attention, his eyebrows knitted tightly. He looked a bit mad when he approached his head from you, his little nose pressed against your neck, you jolt in surprise when you felt the metal of his septum piercing against your neck.

“You smell like him....

-Like who?

-Deku...

-Well I worked with him so...

-I don’t like it. Normally you smell more like me...”

He never acted territorial toward you before. Maybe it was because of your new arrangement. You would need to talk to him about it, even if you new it was probably useless. None of the other bulls had been reasonable till now. You doubted he would be an exception. You finally left him, promising him to take a shower as soon as you were home and to come back the day after smelling all clean. You’ve never been that happy to leave in the house near the farm. A bunch of other keepers had decided to leave here together as it was cheaper and so close from work. You took a shower like promised and ate something before going to bed. Before going to sleep, you decided to do a bit of research. You knew how breeding worked. You had to supervise the thing a few time which had mortified you at first. Now you learned how to get detached and let the hybrids do their things while you were working somewhere else. But the “milking” part of the process kinda made you worried. You never had that much intimacy with an hybrid. You knew some of your colleagues had and that they even went further than just the milking. There was nothing wrong with that. It was actually pretty common between hybrids and humans. But you were a shy person, in that area at least. Thinking about just touching Shigaraki like that made a wave of arousal travel through your body. You didn’t know if you were supposed to feel like this. Maybe he wasn’t asking for this. He just wanted you to do this as a professional. And you were here, thinking about it as if you were talking about your boyfriend. After re reading the method a few time, the last thing you wanted was to hurt him in some way, you went to sleep, head full of a certain hybrid.

Shigaraki slept way better than the night before, but he was still annoyed about the smell situation. Maybe he should start senting you. After all you were his. He knew he was starting to get into his rut too. Soon every bull around here would be in the same situation. It was spring so it was expected. But this time he would spend it with you and fuck he couldn’t help but be happy about it. He woke a bit early so he would clean his stable, he didn’t want to make it look messy for when you’ll come. He knew it was ridiculous but he couldn’t help it. He even cleaned himself, making sure nothing was caught in his fur. He felt suddenly so hot, he couldn’t wait for you to come. Maybe it was the general tension in the air. Knowing that there was other bull in rut around here. It made him crazy. Why couldn’t you just hurry? Maybe you weren’t even gonna do anything today. What if he got his hopes up and you weren’t planning on doing anything today? He looked at how hard he was becoming, kinda embarrassed.

“Hey Tomu!”

He jumped at the sound of your voice. You looked so pretty today. You looked pretty every day but he couldn’t point his finger on what made you look so beautiful today. Maybe it was the way you styled your hair, the makeup you wore when you usually didn’t.

“Sorry I didn’t mean to scare you. Didn’t you hear me come your way?” You chuckled.

He had to have you, he thought.

“So Tomu, I wanted to ask you when you wanted to start the breeding program. Bakugou and Midoriya are already in rut, normally yours start soon after, doesn’t it?

-It’s starting I think...”

His voice was quiet and you could see the blush on his cheeks and how he seemed more tense than usual.

“Oh okay... I’m gonna take your temperature and I’ll see from there.”

You placed the little tube on his tongue, waiting a minute before looking back. Yeah he was definitely entering his rut.

“ Ok Tomu, I’m gonna get ready and I’ll be back. We should wait till you’re completely in heat to start. Do you need me to explain how the procedure work?”

You were speaking so much words and he wasn’t even listening to them. He could only concentrate on your face, watching your lips move. He took a deep breath and he could smell you. So strong. You smelled so good.

“Don’t leave now, fuck, I need you”

You seemed conflicted for a bit.

“Ok I’ll be back in a minute, I swear it’ll be quick but I need to get something”

You didn’t let him answer as you were already leaving. He was gonna die if you didn’t come back quickly. None of his rut had been that hard on him before. It generally was longer than it was intense and it took a all day to settle down. But today his entire body was on fire and he was already so hard. You ran as fast as you could toward the office. You had let everything you needed there. You never grabbed a bag so fast, the other hybrids were looking at you weirdly when they saw you running through the farm. You came back to Tomura’s stable finding him on his knees, his cock in his hand .

“Y/n... fuck please”

He looked so gorgeous. His cock was an angry red, leaking precum like crazy. You dropped to your knees, next to him trying to comfort him a bit. You needed to get him in position so you could prep him, but he didn’t look like he wanted to move. He couldn’t stop pumping his length, not being able to cum.

“Ok I need you to get on your knees baby, you can do this for me?”

He whined but still did what you told him. He was arching his back, his cute little ears were flat against his hair. His tail was swiping in the air almost hitting you. You took the bottle of lube, squirting some on your gloved hands. He was too far gone to see anything at this point but you still wanted him to know what was going to happen. You lubbed the the upper part of what looked like a suction cup, making sure the milking tool won’t hurt him. You touch his shoulder making him look at you. You almost moan when you saw his red cheeks, teary eyes, drool almost dripping out of his mouth.

“I’m gonna put this on you baby, are you ready?

-No I want you. Not that please Y/n!

-This first, I promise I’m gonna touch you, I’ll make you feel really good.”

He didn’t say anything, you were already grabbing him in your hand. He was so heavy, throbbing against your palm. Fuck he would feel so good inside you. You stroked him a few times not being able to resist seeing him cry and buck his hips in your hand. You placed the lubbed part against his tip, his eyes falling on your hand.

“What is it?” He asked his voice quiet.

“It will help you... stay stimulated...It’s the same process we used for the cows”

It indeed looked the devices that were used to milk the cows. You pushed it down his length, watching it get swallowed. You watched Tomura, watching his eyes rolled in his head, tongue out of his mouth. Fuck you wish that was you. You wish you were the one making him feel this good.

“Ok baby, now I’m gonna touch you ok?

-Yes more !”

He threw his ass in the air, his hooves hitting the ground hard. You touched his fur, silky against your palm. Your hand caress the curve of his ass, gently spreading his cheeks.

“Y/n!

-Yes?

-W- why are you touching me there?

He didn’t had the time to answer before you push one finger inside. He gasped, throwing his head back.

« Y/n ! F-fuck »

You forgot everything when you saw him starting to rock his hips,your finger getting deeper inside him. You slowly put another finger in, his flesh already so tender you did not met any resistance. You crooked you fingers inside, your finger tips digging into his flesh’ hitting his sweet spot hard. He screamed, arching his back cumming so hard it made his entire body shake. He kept cumming as you didn’t stop moving your fingers.

« More! Please more! »

You added a new finger, the third one stretching him wide.

« Fuck, Tomura, you came so hard you’re so good. Your little hole is swallowing my fingers »

He moaned, clenching more and you looked at the tube seeing more and more cum dripping inside.

«  I’m gonna milk you hard love, you’re so pretty like this fuck »

The words were just coming out of your mouth shamelessly at this point. You knew it was not professional, but you couldn’t help it. He was driving you crazy, his pretty face was flushed, his eyes full of tears, lips bitten red and all wet with drool.

« I can’t stop! It feels too good, can’t stop- »

His voice was broken, and he was trusting his hips, making harder and harder for you to hold him down.

« I want to be inside you, please Y/n! Please! I want to cum inside- »

You wanted that to, so bad, but you knew you couldn’t right now.

« A little more love »

He was shaking from all his limbs. Your fingers started to get tired from all this, but with a final twist of your wrist, you pressed three fingers hard against his flesh, making him collapsed from pleasure.

« Too much, it hurts, please »

He was shaking on the ground, his eyes rolling in the back of his head. You stopped the movement with your fingers. You let him go of the equipment, finally freeing his cock. You looked at the machine, impressed by the amount of cum.

« Tomu are you okay? »

He nodded slowly, smiling as he felt your hand on his hair.

“It still feels good...

-I didn’t hurt you right?

-No...”

You took him in you arms, laying in the hay with him, murmuring in his ear how much you loved him. He looked so vulnerable right now, but here he was, his face pressed against your chest, breathing calmly. You kissed the top of his head, smiling as well.

“I love you, my mate” he said, pressing his lips against his neck.

“I love you too.”

You looked down at him, seeing his eyes closed, his breathing study. You needed to take the material back and to start cleaning, but you felt so good right now. Maybe it could wait a little bit more.

[formulacherry]

I don't understand how you can like Lando when he's the reason Daniel is getting mistreated at McLaren. What it all boils down to is that Lando comes from a rich family that bought his seat and McLaren is not ready to let that money go so they screw over Daniel at every turn to make Lando, someone who doesn't have half of Daniel's talent and willpower, feel like he can actually achieve something. It's just sad to see legit Daniel fans giving attention to that whiny child.

but he’s literally not the reason daniel is being mistreated. he’s there doing his job, just as the rest of them are. do you expect him to sit back and say “hey guys let’s make sure daniel does better than me today”? no. you need a huge element of competitiveness and selfishness to succeed in this sport and it wouldn’t make any sense for lando to give that up just to spare daniel’s feelings?

they all (bar a few) come from money and i have never understood when people use that against them when they’ve shown that they have the talent to go with it. lando very clearly earned his seat and if you can’t see that, then that’s on you.

lando is ten years younger, of course he’s not at daniel’s level.. but he has all the makings to be just as good of a driver, if not better. which is why i understand that mclaren put him first. he’s got 10+ years of this left, and daniel is (heartbreakingly) in his final few. the car is built around lando because he is their future.

i’ll openly admit that it fucking sucks to watch the team give daniel orders to stay behind when he’s clearly faster. it makes my blood boil and i spend every race just hoping and praying that he will get ahead (sorry lando) because i want nothing more than for him to go out on a high. he absolutely deserves to be treated better by mclaren and i know without a doubt that if he had the right car underneath him he would still be out there killing it.

but as i’ve stated, none of that is lando’s fault! pitting them against each other is stupid and there’s nothing wrong with openly supporting both of them, which is what i will continue to do ✌🏼

[backtobackbakubabe]

Speak Easy Part 4

Bakugo x Reader, Dabi x Reader

Words : 5206

Masterlist

Reader has a siren quirk and has spent the past several years of her life as a captive being experimented on by “heroes” Now that she’s out she needs protection and safe place to heal. Who will be the one to put her pieces back together?

Words with ‘this’ is dialogue written in her journal rather than said out loud and and words with ~this~ is dialogue said in sign language rather than out loud.

************************************************************************

Dabi’s frustration only grew when he saw your excited expression. All the sudden all he could think of was the was the way that Bakubrat had kissed the top of your head the last time he had seen you.

Dabi readjusted you so you were on his back and put his hands firmly on your thighs. He’ll admit he’s being ridiculous, but he wanted to keep you out of reach from the explosive idiot.

You were practically buzzing with excitement. You had missed your friends. Even though you had seen them a few weeks ago, it wasn’t nearly good enough, you felt like you didn’t have enough time to actually thank them for saving you. You had known all of them from high school except you had known Katsuki and Izuku much longer. You all had known each other since you were kids. Katsuki was always the one pulling your pigtails while Izuku was always the one to let you paint his fingernails.

That mentality pretty much stayed the same as you all got older. Katsuki would still relentlessly tease you but he was always much meaner to any of the guys who hit on you. There was a rumor that went around that your quirk made you super good in bed and it had every guy chasing after you for the wrong reasons. He never hesitated to hit first and ask questions later when men cat called you in his presence.

Katsuki had always had a very special place in your heart. He had always been your protector as well as your biggest supporter. There were so many times he and Izuku had talked you out of quitting school. Every so often an article would circulate about how villainous your quirk was and how you deserved to be locked up. The pressure would eventually get to you and you would end up in one of their rooms pacing and holding back tears. They helped you learn to love your quirk, but Katsuki was the one who secretly worked with you on weekends to help you get stronger. He thought if he showed you that you were more than just your quirk you would finally stop listening to all the fucking gossip blogs.

You kept bouncing with excitement the entire time Dabi walked towards the front door. He paused a few steps away and gave your thigh a sharp slap. “Hey, quit that. If you keep bouncing like that, I’m going to drop you. Behave.”

You wondered what crawled up his ass. He was just praising you a few minutes ago and now he’s grumpy. There’s no way he could be that mad about Katsuki coming to visit. He knew this was going to happen. He was holding you when Katsuki promised as much. You understood that he didn’t really get along with most people, and Katsuki was honestly kind of hard to get along with in the first place. But that still didn’t give him the right to be so pissed about him being here.

Dabi opened the door but remained in the doorway, effectively blocking Katsuki from entering. “Can we help you?”

Katsuki had a duffle bag on his shoulder as well as a box at his feet. “You could start by letting me in asshole.” He looked at you and his scowl softened just slightly, “Hey dork. Think you could convince your chauffeur to get out of the way?”

You giggled and gave Dabi’s neck a pinch. Dabi responded by giving your thigh a pinch, “Eye for an eye brat. You want me to let him in? I think I deserve an entrance fee?” He pointed towards his cheek as if he was asking for a kiss.

Katsuki’s eyes traveled from where Dabi’s hand was firmly squeezing your thigh to where he was pointing at his cheek. They were furious. He was about to just shove his was through when you wrapped your arms tight around Dabi’s neck and leaned backwards. Effectively throwing his body weight off and giving Katsuki more than enough room to enter the house.

He quickly let himself in and made his way over to the couch where he dumped the box he was holding. “Alright so here’s your first care package.”

“Don’t see why it needed to hand delivered…” Dabi dropped you on the couch next to the box so you could rummage through it.

Katsuki quickly took the empty spot next to you, totally ignoring Dabi. “I brought you a couple new manga that I know you’ll like, and I think Deku added a bunch of pictures and shit from your old apartment.” He reached over you into the box and pulled out a shirt and you grinned ear to ear. It was an old All Might shirt that you had stolen from Katsuki years ago because you liked how soft it was.

He smiled and put his arm around you, “I thought you might like that. I hope you don’t mind I’ve been wearing it in your absence. So, it might smell like me.”

Dabi walked by grabbing Katsuki’s arm and casually flung it off your shoulder. Then without a word started going through the box. “Did you remember the bathing suit?”

You could hear Katsuki’s palm’s crackle with irritation, “Yes… I did. But don’t get your pervy hopes up. I got the most conservative one I could find.” There he goes being overprotective for no reason… well that wasn’t exactly fair he did have a reason. He had just found you in the most horrendous condition possible and immediately had to hand you off to a former villain who kidnapped him in his youth… so yeah. You decided you were going to cut him some slack.

“Well considering it’s for her fucking rehabilitation…she could be naked for all I care. As long as she’s comfortable and gets those damn legs moving.” Dabi could feel his temper starting to get the better of him. Considering Bakugo was known for having the worlds shortest fuse, he needed to keep his cool. He could not be the one to snap first.

“Oi! Don’t act like carrying her around is such a burden!” Bakugo stood up now squaring off with Dabi.

Dabi’s eyes flared but his voice remained even, “I never said it was a burden… In fact, I love carrying her around. However, I don’t plan on making it a habit because I want her to get better.” His voice dipped and got angrier, “And don’t you talk about her as if she’s not sitting in the same room as us! She can speak for herself…”

He looked at you and you gave him a pointed look. ~Calm down please.~

He took a deep breath and signed back, ~Trying~

Katsuki looked between the two of you with narrowed eyes, “When did you guys learn sign language?”

Dabi walked into the kitchen and started making dinner. If Bakugo wanted to make a house call, he needed to let him have his fun. He’d be leaving soon enough, he just needed to let the two of you be until then. “We started learning a couple weeks ago.” He pulled out two bowls because that’s how passive aggressive he is. If that asshat didn’t get the hint by the time dinner was ready, then he’d just have to sit there and watch you eat.

Dabi had to stop for a moment and contemplate this. Why was he this mad? Why did he actually care this much? You were obviously going to be close with the loudmouth. You’d known him for a long time. He needed to remember that just because you lived with him now doesn’t mean that you even want to be here. For all he knows you’re just tolerating him because you have to. It’s not like the two of you have lots of late-night conversations.

He looked over when he realized it had been pretty quiet and saw that the two of you were speaking in sign. His hands on yours helping you with a new word. “Okay so obviously you know sign too.”

Katsuki had a shit eating grin. “The doctors told my mom when I was young, I’d eventually go deaf due to my quirk. I’m basically fluent.” He continued to sit and teach you new words and damn if you weren’t happier than he had seen in the past two weeks.

Dabi rolled his eyes as he went back to making dinner. “Go ahead and teach her whatever you want. Be fucking useful for once.” Dabi continued to make dinner, shoulders tensing every time he heard you giggle.

Katsuki had his phone out and was showing you everything you had missed. “Okay so surprise, surprise, Deku and IcyHot are like a thing now.” He showed a couple cute pictures from Izuku’s private Instagram. The last one was of them kissing under an umbrella. “Kiri and Mina had a kid. Little rascal is probably about six months old now. He’s cute but his teeth hurt like hell.” He picked up his hand that had a tiny crescent shaped scar, which had you absolutely grinning.

He ruffled your hair, “Oi, you won’t be smiling when the brat bites you next.” He continued to scroll, “OH! I almost forgot the best part.” He turned his phone to you and showed you a picture of someone’s mug shot. “Fucking grape juice got arrested.”

Your eyes widened. You waited for him to go one when you realized he was waiting on you. He was giving you an opportunity to contribute to the conversation. ~Why?~

“Trying to buy a prostitute… Literally no one was surprised.” He looked back to the kitchen to make sure Dabi wasn’t listening. When he was satisfied, he pulled you closer into his side and threw his arm around you. “Hey, you would let me know if he was mistreating you right?” His fingers carded through your hair and his eyes roamed all your visible skin for signs of abuse.

You nodded your head and pulled your shirt further down, suddenly aware that you weren’t wearing pants. You had just gotten so used to it you had forgotten. He noticed you fidgeting, “He hasn’t touched you, has he? Because I swear to God I’ll rip out every single staple in his body then make him eat them.”

You leaned further into his to side to hide your blush. He most certainly had touched you. And you still hadn’t worked out how you felt about it. He hadn’t made any attempt to do it again beyond the casual touches when he carried you or when he helped you in the pool. He had made it a habit of sleeping in your room, but he always stayed on his side of the bed.

Katsuki must have taken your lack of response as a confirmation. “I’m going to kill him.”

You sat up straight and started shaking your head, ~No. No. Wrong~

“Wrong? So, he hasn’t touched you then?”

You gulped. Either way you answered was bad. You either told him the truth and he rage killed Dabi, or you lied to your best friend… Either way you were fucked.

As you struggled for an answer Dabi walked in and handed you your bowl of curry and rice. “Don’t worry I’ll answer that one for you, and stop at me at any point you think I got it wrong.” He took his seat in a recliner and took a bite of his meal. “So, we had a moment where something could have happened, but we stopped before it got too far and decided we were just being emotional and moved on.”

Katsuki’s hand started to heat up and crackled but you pulled on his arm to get his attention, ~Right~

He still looked angry, and maybe even a little hurt, which had you all confused again. He looked like he wanted to throw one of his famous temper tantrums. You knew how much it was killing him to not pounce on Dabi, “Keep your disgusting hands to yourself from now on. She’s been through enough. She doesn’t need you taking advantage of her!”

“You don’t speak for her!”

You clapped your hands to get their attention, ~Enough~ You gave each of them a glare and it was silent after that.

You took a bite of your dinner to avoid Katsuki’s eyes and was met with the most delicious meal Dabi had made to date. You cleared your throat to get Dabi’s attention. You pointed to Katsuki then your bowl of food and signed ~where~?

“I didn’t think a busy hero like him would have time to stick around for dinner.” He continued to pick at his food, “Speaking of which. It’s getting late. Hate to keep you from your super important work of dress up and make believe.”

Katsuki gestured to the duffle bag he carried in. “Oh, I’m not going anywhere tonight.” He was looking at you now. A look of concern ghosted across his face. “Consider it a wellness check.” He leaned forward and gave the side of your head a soft peck, “I just want to be sure you’re okay. I promised you I wouldn’t let anything happen to you and I intend to keep that promise.”

You felt yourself sinking into his familiar warmth. If there was anyone who felt like home, it was Katsuki. Sure, he was in the middle of a ridiculous pissing contest with Dabi at the moment, but you really couldn’t blame him. He’d always been a stubborn, territorial, asshole. But he was also kind he cared about you and for that you could forgive him.

“Whatever, just don’t get in the way of our routine.” Dabi stood up with his now empty bowl. “You know that law, eat every last bite. I’ll get your bath started while you finish.” He looked at Katsuki, “You can have my room… I’ll sleep on the couch.”

He didn’t even wait for a response as he left the two of you alone.

Katsuki visibly relaxed into the couch once Dabi had left the room. “What did he mean by law?”

You smiled as you pulled out your journal and opened it up for him. You pointed to law number seven. At first, he was pissed that Dabi would give you a new set of rules to live by, like you were some kid. But then he realized there wasn’t a single “law” on here that didn’t have your best interest in mind.

His eyes scanned over the rest. Chuckling at some silly laws like ‘Wake up whenever the hell you want’, and ‘No fucking shrugging.’ He had to admit that he also hated it when you would do that. It wasn’t that you were indecisive. It was that you knew what you wanted but you never wanted to speak up for yourself. Always willing to bend over backwards to make others happy. Never wanting to give anyone any more reason to dislike you.

His heart hurt at the laws that said things like, ‘No drugs’, ‘No locked doors’, and ‘Never say sorry for something that isn’t your fault.’

The law that had his blood boiling however was the last one, law number thirteen. ‘I will not initiate the sexy time without written or verbal consent.’ He furiously flipped through the pages that came after, trying to get the idea of you ever giving Dabi consent to touch you out of his mind.

You had finished your food by now and stretched your muscles out. All in all, this had been a great day. You walked on your own in the pool AND Katsuki had come to visit. You were so tired you just knew you would fall asleep as soon as your head hit the pillow. Hopefully you wouldn’t have any nightmares.

You put your hand on Katsuki’s shoulder and used it to push yourself to your feet. You wobbled for a few seconds but otherwise kept your footing.

“Hey look at you! I thought you’d be too tired after what we did in the pool today, good job.” You looked up to see Dabi leaning in the hallway. “Your bath is ready. One for me, two for blondie.”

Katsuki scrunched his nose up, “Wha-“

You held up two fingers and Dabi nodded. “Alright looks like you get bath time duty today.” Dabi smirked when Katsuki’s eyes widened. “Don’t freak out. She’s gotten to the point where she can get in on her own and some days she can even get out too. You just need to hang out by the door in case she needs help.

You wound your arms around Katsuki’s neck, and he picked you up. His heart pounded as he followed Dabi to what he assumed was your room. He leaned over and whispered in your ear, “Hey wouldn’t be the first time we bathed together.”

You giggled and hit his shoulder. You knew he meant when you were kids. But you couldn’t stop the blush that took over you at the thought of him just hopping in the tub with you now.

Dabi tensed up as he stopped at the door to your room. “Alright… y/n you know the drill if you need me just yell.” He winked at you after his stupid joke and you flipped him off.

He walked back to the kitchen and opened his laptop. He started to go over tomorrow’s sign language lesson early. He’d never tell you this, but he does this every day. You were so much better at picking it up then him, he needed to do extra work just to keep up.

You signed ~Thank you~ as Katsuki placed you down next to the full tub.

“Okay… so I guess you just let me know if you need me by…?”

You shrugged as you knocked on the side of the tub. Part of you really didn’t want him to leave, even if it was only for a few minutes. You reached out and grabbed his wrist.

He gave you a curious look, but softened when you signed back, ~Stay~

“Does he usually stay?”

You shook your head, Dabi always insisted he had things to do and it was important you do some things on your own.

Katsuki took a seat on the floor with his back against the tub. Even with permission he was determined to protect your modesty. You slipped your clothes off and quickly lifted your legs into the tub. It was almost too easy now and you smiled at your progress.

You sighed as the water warmed your skin. Your hand reached for Katsuki’s and gave it a squeeze. You could see the tension in his shoulders as he squeezed your hand back before intertwining your fingers.

“Y/n… I -I know I’ve already said I’m sorry. But I still have this mountain of guilt sitting on my chest. You were… are… one of the most important people in my life. And I was so wrapped up in my own life I didn’t see the signs. I didn’t notice that something was wrong.” You could hear his voice crack as he tried to hold his emotions down. “I knew you went on secret missions that you couldn’t always talk about. I watched as you came back looking defeated and… and broken. I thought there was something going on, but I just kept reminding myself you worked with heroes… that I was just being paranoid.”

You felt tears build in your eyes and you were glad he wasn’t looking at you. You rubbed circles on his hand with your thumb encouraging him to keep going. He obviously had a lot he had been bottling up. “You know Deku and I went to your agency one day after you had been gone for a few months and all they told us was your mission was confidential, and we weren’t related to you so they couldn’t even tell us if you were okay.” He sniffled, “I went there every day after work and got the same bull shit answer. It drove me crazy.”

He took a deep breath to settle himself, “So we started asking about you. Started looking for you in all the underground trading routes.” A long silence followed as he got lost in the memories of looking for you. “It almost took us a year, but we finally found someone who had seen you. Some small-time villain whose quirk was invisibility. He had snuck into your agency to try and break his boss out. But when he found him you were also in the room…”

He didn’t keep going, and for that you were grateful because you didn’t want to hear it. You knew what came next and you didn’t exactly want to relive it.

“I’m so sorry. I failed you. I was supposed to protect you. I promised you I’d be by your side forever, and I-I-“

You pulled his hand towards you and gave it a kiss before putting his palm on your cheek. He hesitantly turned and looked at you with tears in his eyes. You activated your quirk and washed over him with feelings of love and understanding. You watched his eyes close as he shuttered. You may not be able to speak, but you could still communicate to him through feeling that you were okay.

You reached over and brushed a stray tear away and pulled him close to plant a kiss on his forehead.

When your bath was over, he waited for you to wrap yourself in a towel before picking you up and depositing you gently on your bed. You pulled the All Might shirt he had brought with him over your head, and crawled under the covers.

He had only wanted to lay there until you fell asleep, but he ended up falling asleep soon after you.

Dabi walked in hoping to tell you goodnight but found the two of you asleep facing each other. You under the covers, Bakugo on top of the covers. Your hands stretched out towards each other as if looking for each other even in sleep.

Dabi’s hands were glowing with livid flames as he left in a hurry.

He went straight to the abandoned cabinet that held all of the now off-limits drugs. He could take just one… you would never know.

He growled as he shoved the bottle back into the cabinet and slammed the door. Reaching instead for a bottle of whiskey. He went to the couch and poured himself a drink.

And that’s how you and Bakugo found him the next day. Passed out on the couch empty whisky bottle on the floor next to him.

Dabi chugged his coffee as his head pounded. He was no stranger to hangovers, but ever since you came to live with him, he hadn’t felt the need to drink that much. At one point in his life it had been the only way he could get any decent sleep.

He watched from his seat at the kitchen island as you and Bakugo made breakfast. The smell of bacon hit him and his stomach growled. Shit.

You could see his sour expression and when Bakugo wasn’t looking you stood from the chair you were sitting in. Dabi kept his eyes on you like a hawk. Watching for any signs you might fall. You stumbled but he remained still. He knew you were okay. The Island was right there if you needed to hold on to it. You were only a few steps away from him now. Arms stretched out and a smile on your face.

You knew this would cheer him up, and get him out of whatever shitty mood he was in. Only one more step and you’d be there. To this Dabi stood up and took a step away from you with a playful look in his eye as if to say come and get me.

Bakugo continued to talk, not even noticing you weren’t sitting behind him anymore. It wasn’t until the loud thud of you hitting the tile floor that he looked up. He immediately rushed to you while Dabi laughed.

“Why the fuck are you laughing? She could be hurt!”

Dabi just continued to laugh, “I’m laughing because it’s fucking funny. She’s fine.” He titled his head to the side. “You’re a tough cookie aren’t yeah y/n?”

You giggled and nodded. Dabi took you from Bakugo’s embrace “See she’s fine. I think you need to remember she used to be a pro hero. I think she can handle tripping over her own feet.” He stood up and sat you down in front of the laptop.

“Okay time to learn some sign language, looks like today’s all about food. Oh good, you love food.” He ruffled your hair before picking a piece of bacon off of your plate and biting into it.

The little back and forth continued the entire day. The biggest argument came later when it was time for the pool. You groaned and decided you weren’t in the mood. ~No pool~

Dabi rolled his eyes at you, “Yes pool. You even have a bathing suit this time. So, get your ass in gear.”

You crossed your arms over your chest in defiance. “Listen here brat. It’s the law. We work on getting your strength back every single day. No negotiations.”

Bakugo didn’t like the tone Dabi was talking to you in. “Oi, she’s not some puppet for you to boss around. She said she doesn’t want to so that’s it. Back off!”

Dabi’s eyes flared with anger, “You don’t have a fucking say in this. This is between me and her.” He looked at you again, “If you had asked nicely, I might have let this go. Just because we have a guest doesn’t mean you can disregard the laws and neglect the routine. Now be a good girl and let’s go put your bathing suit on.”

Bakugo stepped between you and Dabi, “Be a good girl? What the fuck is your problem. You don’t own her.”

Dabi pinched the bridge of his nose trying to remind himself why he can’t just fight the obnoxious asshole in font of him. “I don’t own her, but I also refuse to sit here and watch her wither away. We have laws to make her better, and I refuse to deviate. It’s clear I take her recovery more seriously than you do.”

Bakugo shoved Dabi back, “The fuck you do! This isn’t some rehab she checked into. You have no right to boss her around! What makes you think you know what’s best for her?”

Dabi was practically screaming now, “Because I’ve fucking been in her shoes, you ignorant ticking time bomb!” His chest was heaving now, “Did you ever wonder why I had to fake my own death just to get away from my own father… who was a fucking HERO! I’ve been poked and prodded and pushed past my limits. Except I didn’t have someone there to help me and I ended up in the League. Depressed, blood thirty, and hell bent on getting revenge on the so-called heroes that were so okay with a little boy practically killing himself every day just to produce the next number one.”

To this Bakugo didn’t have an answer. He’s heard Todoroki’s horror stories. He could only imagine what Endeavor had put Dabi through.

Dabi looked at you know eyes still furious, “I’ll make you a deal y/n. You put on quite the show this morning taking a few steps on your own. No matter how mad I am, I’ll never tell you that wasn’t a good job. But now you want to skip the very thing that allowed you to take those steps.” He walked out of the kitchen and took a seat in his recliner. “Make it over to me right now, with no help and we can skip the pool.”

With a determined scowl you pushed yourself out of your seat. Bakugo went to grab you “Y/n you don’t have to do-“

“Yes! She does, now let her do it. She needs this. Y/n you can do this. Now prove it to me and prove it to yourself.”

You took your first step, determination written all over you face. Step followed step and you had already walked further than you had this morning, but you were only about halfway there.

Dabi’s eyes were patient and his voice was calm. “Come on y/n. You can do this. You aren’t broken. There is nothing wrong with you. Just keep walking.”

You could feel the tension in the room stiffen. Bakugo watched you with his hands out as if to catch you, always your protector, always your safety net. But you didn’t need that right now.

Your knees started to wobble and buckle, and involuntary whine left your lip as you went down to one knee.

“Come on you can’t give up now. You’re doing such a good job. Now push yourself back up. I’m right here. Come on. Push harder!”

You felt a tear streak down your cheek as you tried to push yourself up but only ended up on the ground.

Bakugo was at your side in an instant but you pushed him away.

“That’s right y/n you can do this. I believe in you. I don’t care if you have to crawl. You’re so close.” You pulled yourself up enough to crawl across the rough carpet. You got up to your knees then slowly you stood.

Dabi saw the fire in your eyes and it sent a shiver down his spine. You were going to do this even if it killed you. It made him think about what you would look like in battle. If you looked even half as gritty as you do now he had no doubt you had strong men cowering at your feet. He wouldn’t be satisfied until he gave that back to you. That power, that strength, that untamable will, he knew was somewhere inside you laying dormant.

He got out of his recliner and lowered himself to the ground, “Come on your so close now. Keep going Y/N!”

With one last push you practically jumped into his arms and collapsed. Tears streamed down your cheeks, but for the first time since coming here they were happy tears. You did it. You walked all on your own.

He cooed into your hair as he rocked you back and forth, “You did such a good job. You did it. I knew you could. You can rest now. I’ll get you some ice cream. How does that sound. We’ll celebrate.”

You nodded as you clutched Dabi’s shirt.

Bakugo disappeared for a few minutes and when he came back he had his bag over his shoulder. He kneeled down next to you and pressed his forehead to yours. “I think it’s time I got back to work. I still need to take down the bastards that did this to you.” He smoothed his fingers through your hair and looked to Dabi, “I think you’re in good hands.”

He made his way to the door, “I’ll be back soon.”

*****************

Tags: tags: @falling4fandoms @wifunozomi @here-in-never-land @whore-for-anime@klecksstorys @aurorahoneybuns @theunknownrandom @insane-without-delirium @frenchsfryys @officiallydarkgeek @neofixcs @music-is-all-i-need

[patchofsunlight]

congrats on 800!! Can I request a jealous bakugo?? where he really likes the reader but they’re always with todoroki

UHHH FUCK YEAH I LOVE BOTH BAKUGOU AND TODOROKI LET’S DO THIS

warnings: cursing, unedited, shouto is your best friend, bakugou is a jealous dumbass. I had so so so much fun writing this i SWEAR

Todoroki was your first friend at UA

even while he was still very reserved and quiet, you made it a mission to befriend him. He didn’t talk a lot, but he seemed sweet, and you simply decided you wanted to know him better

so you did. At first, Todoroki didn’t understand why you were so set on being friends with him, but little by little you carved your place into his life and heart

you become best friends and he appreciates you so much! you’re always together and he invites you over when his dad isn’t around and his siblings absolutely love you

at one point they ask you if there’s something else in your friendship but you’re both quick to shut it down

“So… What’s going on between you two? Are you dating or something?”

“What? No!” “Of course not, sister. We’re just friends.”

“Oh, alright.”

you’re really close though and spend a lot of time in each other’s company because you simply like to

and then there’s Bakugou

you tried to talk to him and maybe make friends during your first weeks at UA but he shut you out so fucking fast

you were kinda hurt to be honest

but you quickly understood that he was like that to everyone, so it wasn’t personal, which made you feel a bit better

until the Sports Festival, that is

Bakugou can’t help but notice how well you fight and how hard you work

you’re on Todoroki’s team for the Cavalry Battle

and you’re so absolutely necessary for the team’s victory that he can’t help but start paying a little more attention to you

he always thought you were an annoying, stupid extra

but you’re proving him wrong, and he’s here for it. It’s nice to know there’s actual competent people besides him at UA

during the Battle Tournament you obliterate all your opponents you’re unstoppable

Bakugou is so fucking impressed he doesn’t even notice how Todoroki, the emotionless boy, is constantly cheering you on from the crowd

everyone is completely shocked because yes, they knew you were friends with Shouto, but they weren’t aware you guys were close enough for him to force his stoic expression from his face for once and actually smile and cheer and give out positive reinforcement

like what

you end up on the semi-finals with Bakugou

and you really give him a run for his money

he had noted that you were a lot stronger and smarter than you looked, and actually fighting you proved that even further

you only lost for a slip up, to be honest. For the first time in weeks, maybe months, you were paying attention to Bakugou Katsuki. and, God, you hadn’t noticed how good-looking he was

Shouto was the most beautiful boy you had ever seen in your entire life, that was for sure, but there was this moment during your battle when Bakugou smiled and your brain short-circuited

so he blew you off the ring, obviously

he was surprised he was actually able to get you. He thought you would somehow escape it, and he wondered what had taken your focus away

he wasn’t even aware of the small smile that graced his lips for that millisecond. He just stared at you, looking all powerful and strong and ready to destroy him without hesitation and it just happened

none of you talked about it

when he battled Todoroki, he heard you scream “Go, Shouto!” 

and it made his blood boil

why the fuck were you cheering for fucking Half-and-Half?

Were you dating or some shit?

you certainly should be cheering for him, since he was the one who defeated you which meant you had to recognize his superiority

right?

but no. there you were yelling, “You can do this, Shouto! You can do this!”

you even called the bastard by his first name

ridiculous, absolutely ridiculous

when you saw him tied and muzzled to the first place you were completely livid

you tried to argue and stop it but no one listened to you

when they finally let Bakugou go, you came to him, eyes glowing with worry and anger.

“Are you okay? They shouldn’t have done that. How do you feel?”

“Get out of my way, extra. Don’t fucking worry about me.”

Todoroki’s ear perked up at hearing someone mistreat his best friend

but he knew you could handle it, so he stood close by, watching

on any other occasion, you would’ve felt hurt, sad even, but you could see the shame in Bakugou’s eyes. The embarrassment.

“Alright. See you, Bakugou. Hope you get home alright.”

and you left, walking towards Shouto with a soft smile before going away with him

Bakugou would never admit it, but he appreciated your words more than anyone else’s.

once more, that smile took a place on his face without him even noticing

after that, Bakugou became a lot nicer around you

he would quietly mutter a “hello” when you passed by his seat during the morning

and at one point he even let you borrow his notes to copy during this one day you got the flu

sometimes you would see him studying at the library and you would smile widely and sit next to him on the table he was occupying

if it was anyone else he would definitely yell at them to leave

but he didn’t really mind your company. Having you around was strangely nice. Not that he would ever say that out loud, of course, but yeah. It really was.

you were a part of the stupid rescue team that went after him when he was kidnapped

he was only made aware of that way later, since you stayed behind with Shouto and Momo

and it kinda made him mad because wasn’t fucking IcyHot your boyfriend or some shit? How could he let you get into dangerous stunts like this? Was he an idiot?

when you moved into the dorms, Bakugou noticed how you were always around Todoroki

he noticed how you were always in each other’s rooms and how you had lunch together and how stupid bitch ass Half-and-Half knew how you liked your coffee and always had it ready for you in the mornings

it made him see red, for some reason. He hated seeing you with Shouto.

he wondered why didn’t you want to be around him like that. Did you think he was ugly? Rude? Did he smell bad?

Not that it mattered, of course. He didn’t give a shit about some dumb extra like you

except he really did

couldn’t you be away from Todoroki for a single second? Did you really have to stay around him all the time? That’s some fucking bullshit right there

you shouldn’t waste your time with stupid IcyHot, you deserved better than that! You were powerful and smart and nice and gorgeous and Todoroki was an idiot

right? Right! You would have a lot more fun being around other people that weren’t Shouto!

so he suggested it, albeit quietly, to his friends. They were having lunch and Shitty Hair was spewing useless information like he always fucking did, and he muttered it. Bakugou didn’t talk a lot during lunch, so his words had heads turning to him almost immediately

“We should invite Y/N to have lunch with us someday.”

Dunce Face opened the biggest fucking smile and he regretted all the decisions he had ever made in his entire life

“Why, Bakubro? Do you have a crush or something?”

“Shut the fuck up, you fucking bastard!”

Shitty Hair giggled, “Calm down, bro, it’s fine. Yeah, I think that would be nice. Y/N seems like a really fun person, don’t you think?”

he shot you a quick glance. You were sitting with your friends (including damn Deku and stupid IcyHot), and you were laughing. You looked so beautiful when you laughed and he didn’t even notice the slight movement of his lips

“Wait, is Bakugou smiling?”

“I TOLD YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP BEFORE I—”

the next day you found yourself sitting between Bakugou and Todoroki on the Bakusquad table

Bakugou didn’t think inviting you meant inviting fucking Half-and-Half but that was a given, apparently

however

he figured he didn’t mind Todoroki that much if you kept brushing your shoulder into his when you moved, or if you kept laughing next to him

He invited you over his room to study one day because you had mentioned you were struggling with math during lunch

and then suddenly you were always hanging out. Study dates, movie nights, sparring matches, and he even cooked you dinner once or twice when everyone else went out to eat and you both stayed behind to work on some homework

honestly everything was going amazing and you were spending time together and Bakugou would never admit it but he was growing to really fucking love having alone time with you

and, God, how could you get more beautiful every time he saw you?

then

“I won’t be able to hang out this weekend, I’m going out with Shouto.”

He froze on the spot.

“What?”

“Yeah! We haven’t gone out in quite some time, so he invited me out to a date.”

“A… A date?”

“That’s right. We are just going to visit his mom, get some dinner, and then sleep over at his house, I think. It’ll be nice, I’ve missed him a lot lately.”

Bakugou felt his blood fucking boil

“Why would you even want to go on a date with stupid Half-and-Half? He’s an idiot.”

“What? Why are you saying that?”

“I’m sure you would be a lot happier going on a date with me. I’m a lot better than that dumbass, you hear me? I’d buy you those stupid sweet things you like.”

You were struggling to keep yourself from smiling at this point

“You mean chocolate?”

“Yeah, that bullshit. And I’d pay for dinner. We’d get whatever you want, and I wouldn’t take you to visit my fucking mom. That’s so lame and stupid, just like damn IcyHot. And we’d have a movie night, like the ones we always do. I’d even let you choose one of your dumb movies.”

“You’d let me choose the movie? You never do that!”

“Tch, whatever. Go out with your fucking boyfriend, I don’t fucking care. It’s your loss!”

You giggled and it sent him in a frenzy

“What the fuck are you laughing at, dumbass? I’ll kill you!”

You grinned and his heart jumped wildly inside his chest.

“Are you jealous, Katsuki?”

that’s his first fucking name. you called him by his first fucking name

he blushed SO hard

“No! Of course I’m not! Don’t say stupid shit like that!”

You giggled again

“You know, when I said I was going out for a date with Shouto, I meant a friendly date. We’re nothing but friends. Besides, I like someone else.”

“Tch.”

He was still blushing.

“Katsuki?”

He snarled, “What?”

“You’re the one I like, stupid.”

“Don’t you fucking dare call me stupid, you—wait, you like me?”

“Yes, very much.”

he somehow blushed even harder. With red cheeks and crossed arms, he stared at everywhere but you

“Well, then fucking tell Half-and-Half to fuck off. I’m the one who’s taking you on a date.”

you laughed and, God, the sound of your laugh and your voice and your giggles were things he absolutely adored

“Sure, Katsuki. I’ll let him know.”

once more, an accidental smile overtook his lips.

[clonecest-bin-account]

I totally agree on your opinion re: dogma isn’t a mistreated baby uwu nor did the 501st bully him. He is a man who made bad choices based on poor judgement while in a very shitty situation. So on another vibe, may I request fives/dogma nsfw with aftercare where dogma, emotionally vulnerable, apologizes for his actions and fives forgives him, knowing how much it’ll mean to him? 🥺

(I’m so glad other people agree with me. Idk I’ve always felt like that by making Dogma an uwu soft boi bean you basically destroy his character and the purpose he has in the story. As for the prompt, it’s probably different from what you had originally in mind: I’ve decided to make it happen right after Umbara, so the feelings are a bit raw still, but it has a hopeful ending nonetheless!)

(WARNING FOR SOME MILD DUB-CON)

(Fic under the cut)

This isn’t how Fives thought his evening was going to be, but oh well, so is life.

They’re all still recovering from the mess that was Umbara; some are doing it on their own, some with their brothers. As for Fives, he’s been with Rex mostly, and with the men, trying to reassure them as best as he can, but he needs some time alone now, that’s why he’s taking a walk through the Resolute.

He meets a few brothers here and there, all huddled up together, but otherwise the ship feels pretty empty.

When he arrives close to the hangar, he decides he’s ventured far enough and that he’d better get back to the barracks. As he turns to do exactly that, however… he slams against someone.

 He barely has the time to react that the person he’s slammed against grabs him by the wrist and drags him to the first open room he finds, which turns out to be the fresher. It’s…

“Dogma? What are you doing?”

He drags him to one of the stalls and slams him against the door. “Hey!”

“I’ve been looking for you…” Dogma says then, as if that explains anything.

“So?” Fives asks, confused by what is happening. What the hell does he want now?

 At this point, Fives expected him to start a fight - though a fight in the fresher doesn’t sound that great, doesn’t it? - but to his surprise, Dogma drags him for a kiss. What?

Fives is so shocked that he’s paralyzed, not moving a muscle, prompting Dogma to pull away and look at him with a delirious intensity that he never felt from him before, not that he’s known him for such a long time.

“Don’t you hate me?” Dogma asks then. “Don’t you want to make me pay for it?”

Fives keeps staring at him, not knowing what to say. He does hate Dogma a bit, though he feels guilty about it, because he’s a brother and they’re supposed to be united… But isn’t Dogma the first one who broke this unity? He almost had him executed, and for what, saving the day?!

Dogma leans closer, whispering to his ear. “I’m giving you an opening.”

 Fives isn’t able to resist his instincts anymore, even though he feels there are still many questions that haven’t been answered at all, but it doesn’t matter for now.

He turns them around, slamming Dogma, who’s grinning at his actions. “You think this is funny?” he snarls. Does he think this is some kind of fucked up game?

Dogma shakes his head, though he still has that annoying expression on his face. Fives is going to wipe it away.

One good thing is that Dogma isn’t wearing his armor, and like this Fives can visibly see just how much he’s liking this. He grabs his bulge through his blacks, squeezing it so tightly that it makes Dogma hiss in pain. “Do you enjoy being treated badly? Is this why you’re such a bitch all the time?”

Dogma whimpers, but otherwise keeps his mouth closed. It’s fine: the less he talks, the better.

 He makes him kneel down in front of the toilet, stripping him off his blacks without uttering a word.

He’s not that evil not to prepare him however, although he goes quite fast with that. The only sounds that come out of Dogma’s lips are whines and moans, and nothing more, as he scrambles against the toilet’s surface to hold onto it. It’s quite the image. Fitting, Fives would even dare say.

He’s harsh in the way he moves his fingers in and out of Dogma, keeping his free hand on Dogma’s back to keep him still if he begins to move too much.

“Fives… Sir… Please…” Dogma’s voice comes out more as a chocked sob, but Fives doesn’t mind that at all. Besides…

“Sir, huh? I like the sound of that.”

 He removes his fingers, quickly moving to replace them with his cock. He could go slower, but frankly he doesn’t care enough for that; besides, it doesn’t seem that Dogma minds.

Once he’s completely inside, he waits just for a moment before beginning fucking the daylights out of Dogma.

Sometimes Dogma grunts in pain when he’s slammed against the hard surface of the toilet too hard, but he never asks the other to stop, so he keeps going. At some point Fives even grabs his head and pushes it inside it, close to the water level, but never enough to actually drown him; he could do it, but unlike Dogma, he’s a decent person, so he doesn’t.

He keeps going, he keeps going and he keeps going, until he reaches the apex, coming still buried deep inside Dogma, just to add insult to injury.

 Once this is over and he finally manages to catch his breath, Fives comes back to himself. What has he done?

He pulls away from Dogma, one hand in his hair, tugging at the curly strands. Oh shit.

“Dogma? Are you okay?” he asks, getting closer again. Oh no, he’s trembling, and when Fives reaches out for him, he realizes that he’s crying.

“I’m sorry! I’m sorry!” Dogma continues to sob. Fives has no clue what to do. Why did he provoke him like this? Is it because of Umbara?

He hesitantly draws Dogma into a hug, caressing the top of his head. “No, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have done this to you,” he mutters then, meaning every single word of it.

“No, no… I deserve it.”

Fives sighs. Sure, Dogma has been a dick, almost having them killed, but not to the point of deserving this. As much as he almost doesn’t want to admit it, but… “You don’t. You understood your mistakes, I hope. I can’t say that everything’s been mended, but… C’mon, why don’t we get out of here? Let’s get you someplace nicer.”

 Dogma doesn’t say anything. He just looks baffled by the kindness he’s showing him now, a kindness that he doesn’t feel like he deserves, not after what he’s done. Still, it feels nice, he can’t deny that.

He nods then, hurrying to dry his tears with the palm of his hand - he hates that he’s ended up crying - but soon he’s joined by Fives, who dries them away with his thumb. He’s giving him an apologetic smile, but Dogma doesn’t understand: he’s the one who pushed him to act like this, so why does he feel like this?

“Dogma?” “Yes?”

Fives begins helping him up, only to stop halfway to shoot Dogma another gaze. “Alright?”

For some reason, Dogma can’t help but to smile. “Alright.”

 It feels weird walking back to the barracks with Fives so close to him, holding his waist gently by draping one arm around it. It makes him feel safe, even though they’ve been getting looks from other troopers who must be wondering what the hell happened.

Fives takes him to the ARC quarters, which grant them more privacy, even though Dogma isn’t sure if he should be there, but he doesn’t voice his doubts.

He helps him clean up, even lends him a fresh pair of blacks, then offers his bunk to him, an offer that Dogma accepts, but only if they’re sharing, first of all because he’d hate to take something that is Fives’, and secondly because… it’s been a very long time since he last shared a bunk with someone. He wants to feel that closeness again.

Thankfully, Fives agrees. It’s a tight fight but they make it work. Dogma doesn’t really mind it that much.

 He’s almost fallen asleep when Fives whispers his name. “Dogma?”

“Yeah?”

“… I’m sorry, really.”

Dogma sighs. “Look, let’s just say that we were both wrong and move on, alright?”

Fives stays silent for a while, then he shifts, pulling Dogma closer to his chest. “Alright.”

Soon, he falls asleep, leaving Dogma as the only one awake.

He still feels guilty for Umbara, but maybe things will get better; if Fives is willing to treat him decently, then it must be true.

Oh well, only time will be able to tell.

Tag list: @maulusque @captainrexwouldnever If you want to be added feel free to let me know!

[maldito-arbol]

It is occurring to me that the events of my life over the last 2-3 months are very much blurred together in an amalgamation of trauma and dissociation and depression and I can hardly remember me at all. Hey. Sorry. I probably need therapy.

My current update on life is: still living with a friend. It seems as though my parents are content in having abandoned me and harbor no desire to apologize nor to take me back. It’s hard to accept but by no means am I surprised, I’m simply tired. I have to rebuild my own self and my own life here, where I stand now. Rebuilding is hard, but I have to keep trying. It’s the only way I can keep myself from falling off the deep end.

In regards to work, yes I did end up quitting my job. I put in my two weeks and I served them despite them many many times tempting me to just leave and never look back—no, I stuck it out, and I earned my due pay. I thought work was hard before, but it suddenly became hell on earth once I made it known I wasn’t going to let them push me around any longer. I am still trying to understand that I deserve better, am still trying to comprehend that I CAN get better…it’s a lot. I thought if I wasn’t suffering then I wasn’t worth anything at all. And that’s just the way I was raised, the way I’ve been treated all my life from school to work to home. It took me a very long time to realize the people I was around were toxic, and when I did, I felt so sick I could almost die.

Guys, I don’t know how quite to express the way I felt and the way I feel, but I thought I should maybe give you some more insight to my life in a formal post rather than just disjointed pieces in the tags of my posts. So the long story short (though unfortunately still too long) is, I was trapped in an abusive home that eventually imploded and resulted in my eviction by my very petulant mother over a barely qualified for conversation conversation about politics. Because she couldn’t stand the fact that I didn’t want to listen to her. I’d hate to imagine how she’d react if I told her I was gay, or genderfluid of all things if she reacted this way over the fact that I lean left politically. Isn’t that incredible? After all the horrible things she’s put me through, physically, mentally, emotionally, she sees fit to kick me out because I snarled “I don’t care” when she attempted to sway me. It’s funny actually. I spent so many nights crying over something so pathetic. Maybe it’s because she’s my mother and her actions directly imply that I am a child unwanted by the one who birthed them, a child who was never truly loved or cared about in the way children dream of. That undying, uncompromising, unconditional love every human being desires. And in a perfect world it should be guaranteed by a mother, but it’s not. How cruel is it that I feel more loved by my friends’ parents than I do by my own? You know no matter what, they’ll never be my birth parents. There will always be that missing hole in my heart no matter how much I tell myself this is enough. Because I feel like I don’t deserve to be loved. And yet I crave it so much. So much that I was willing to be abused, to be put down, to be the punching bag to a miserable, uncaring woman who didn’t know the first thing about love. Even now sometimes I wonder how she’s doing without me. Does she worry? Does she feel regret? Guilt? Anything? Or does she simply go about her day thinking, “it’s no big deal, I have two more children I can ream in your stead.” As for my dad, I may hold off on getting into that whole rabbit hole, because I feel like I shouldn’t even bother giving him the time of day if he barely will even give me that. He is very very very tiring, and I fear I spent too long desiring a relationship that will simply never blossom.

I thought work was my escape. I thought that repetitive tasks would help distract me from my problems, would provide me something to live for, cause gods know I couldn’t come up with a creative reason myself. And yet, in a way, being mentally shattered once again by my mother once again taught me a little lesson about the other people in my life: if they act like my mother, they’re doing something wrong. And my boss, while different in many ways, shared a core of manipulation mastery that really should’ve bothered me from the start. And because I had been kicked out, because I’d moved in with people who genuinely cared about me, all of the sudden I saw how horribly mistreated I was at work. It was easier to write it off before, when I was treated worse at home so work felt like Heaven. But it wasn’t. It never was. How many times I fooled myself into believing it was. It’s interesting how being loved and cared about can show you just how poorly you’ve had it everywhere else. So when my sister quit because of another explosion of verbal abuse from my boss, I decided that was my final sign to throw in the towel. While she simply walked off the job, I allowed my boss to keep me for two more weeks; just to be polite, just to be professional, and I may have just shot myself in the foot in doing so. It’s quite a show manipulators will put on when they realize they’re about to lose you. When holding power and the high ground over you has been torn down, ripped away from them, you see truly the desperation, the lengths they will go to restore order and control over you. I was emotionally manipulated, gaslighted, bribed even in my final days. She had power over me almost to the bitter end, because I so nearly gave up and gave in so many times. I was emotionally broken, and I still am, but what frightened me so then was that she knew my weaknesses and she knew how to exploit them. She understood I was alone and scared and still picking up the pieces in my own life, and with that understanding came not compassion but the determination to squash me underneath her thumb. I needed a whole army of healthy people in my life to beg me not to rescind my decision, to prod and poke at me to follow through with my exit in order to ensure I made it out safely, though clearly not unscathed.

Of course I’m going to continue carrying the trauma from this, but I won’t allow it to be special. I’m going to dump it carelessly into a duffel bag stuffed with every unkind word and every bruise and hit from my mother, with every humiliation and heartbreak dealt by my teachers, with every fucking dumbshit rumor and practiced bullying technique from my peers at a whole variety of different schools and clubs and camps, with every user and moocher from friend groups past, and anything and everything that has left its lovely scar be it on my skin or in my mind. You struck me hard enough to remain for the lifelong flight? Cool. You’ll find your seat in the back with all the snot-nosed children and disappointed mothers and not a good enough view to provide entertainment for the whole trip. Eat some far too salty crackers and wonder what your life has come to. I hope you enjoy.

[toothsy]

Hello could u do some headcanons for katsuki shoto and kiri with a S/O that has PTSD also I love your writing your the best💝💝💝💖💖💓💞💞💕

A/N: Okay, I really hope I got this right. If you want me to change anything, just tell me love <3 Thank you for requesting me !

Warnings : Angst | Mentions of rape | Cursing | Mentions of violence

Keys : Y/n - Your Name |

——————————

|| Katsuki Bakugo

• A gasp echoed in their room, they suddenly sit on their bed, soaking and panicking, they had a nightmare, but not a simple nightmare like kids do. No. It was a nightmare about their past.

• Tears were falling on their cheeks, they couldn’t breath. They were having a panic attack, this time, it was way more worse then usual.

• Normally, they would calm down after crying and panicking for a few minutes, but this time, they felt like they just couldn’t get through this alone.

• Y/n tried to get on their feet, but they immediately fell to the floor, making a lot of loud noises. They didn’t have a good day so they went to sleep way more early then the others, so they probably heard it, but they didn’t care at the moment.

• Nothing mattered right now, they had to get out. They tried again, going on their feet but they fell once again. They started sobbing.

• The panic was so huge, they didn’t hear the knocks on the door. '' Oi, the fuck you’re doing you idiot ? You’re doing so much noises that you’re worrying the extras. ''

• The blond waited outside of their door, waiting for an answer, but it never came. He knocked again. '' Hey, answer me, dumbass... '' his tone seemed like he started to be concerned.

• His eyes widened when he heard sobbing in the room and he opened the door wide without any warnings.

• '' Y/n ?... '' They were on the floor, their eyes were red and puffy from all the crying, their hand was on their chest, they also seemed like they couldn’t breath at all.

• Everything clicked in Katsuki’s head: they were having a panic attack.

• He closed the door behind him and ran to them, worried sick. '' O-Oi, what’s wrong-'' ''Don’t touch me ! '' The blond instantly stopped midway, retracting his hands.

• ''P-Please... d-don’t touch.. don’t touch me.. '' they said shakily. He gulped. What was he supposed to do ?

• ''Please... don’t hurt me.. '' Katsuki clenched his teeth. He didn’t know what was happening and didn’t know what to do, but refused to leave them. Not in this state.

• ''Y/n, I won’t hurt you... but you have to tell me what’s wrong. I can’t help you if you don’t tell me... '' They were silent. Still shaking, the only sound that he was hearing was them hyperventilating.

• He eventually got closer, really slowly. He was shaking too. He didn’t like seeing them like this. He wanted them to feel better.

• They looked at him and say ''Katsuki... I-... I’m so scared... '' He clenched his jaw more, he was worried, more then worried, he was scared actually.

• He opened his arms and they immediately ran into them. He embraced them and put his head in the crook of their neck. They hugged back too, eventually and put their head on his shoulder.

• He pats their back slowly, trying to make them relax and after a few minutes, it worked. Their breath was still shaky, but less then before and they were less tense in his arms.

• ''Katsuki... '' they tell him everything. Their past, what he done to them. How he touched them, how disgusting they felt after. Katsuki was looking at them. He tried to keep his composure, but it was hard. He really wanted to punch that fucker for what he did.

• ''I know I can’t erase the past, I can’t erase or come back in time to stop him, but I can promise you that he’ll never, EVER, put a finger on you again. I’ll be here to protect you. ''

• '' And I can tell that it’s hard for you to handle... but you’re stronger, now. You’re beautiful and you don’t deserve anything of this. You deserve happiness. Now, I want you to call me when you feel like you need help. Alright ? ''

• Y/n was speechless, they never saw this side of him with anyone else. Only with them. They blinked away the tears and nodded slowly. Bakugo smiled softly and sighed in relief.

• '' Good. Now, let’s dry those tears and tell the extras downstairs that you’re fine now. ''

————

|| Shoto Todoroki

• They were sobbing quietly again. The roof was the only place they could go in moments like this, no one was there when it was lunch so they could finally cry alone.

• Well, there was some people but no one really paid attention to her, they were minding their own business, but Y/n didn’t care. They needed space and the roof was the only place that was calm enough for this.

• They looked at the food on the floor, not really in a good mood to touch it. Their dad is why they’re crying, you see. He was violent with them, mistreated them.

• Y/n didn’t want to talk about it to anyone, though, because she was scared to be judged for this. It was maybe dumb, but that’s true.

• Them, going on the roof when they felt like crying and having panic attacks was not new for them. They did it a lot, their classmates were also asking her questions about it.

• Like Midoriya, Uraraka, Tsuyu, Kirishima... they would ask why they were not eating with them, if they were okay, which they were always answering with a big grin. Well, at least, tried to fake a big grin.

• Every time people were talking about their family, fathers more specifically and they were asking Y/n about their dad, they would always try to ignore the subject and run away.

• They thought that it was enough for them to leave them alone, but it actually worried a particular dual-haired boy.

• This time, they couldn’t calm down. Y/n doesn’t know why, it just doesn’t work. They really tried anything but they were still crying.

• ''L/n-San ? '' a voice asked. Y/n jumped and when they looked up their orbs met with heterochromia eyes.

• '' T-Todoroki-kun ?... '' They wiped their tears away and looked at him. '' W-What are you doing here ?... '' Y/n asked.

• He knew something was wrong. Were they always going here for the same reason ? To cry and let it out ? He was worried, he has to admit. He cared deeply for them and seeing them hurt was making him feeling... guilty ? Hurt too ?

• '' You always came here by your own and I wanted to be sure you were alright. ''

• ‘ Was he.... worried ?’ They thought. They looked at the ground, letting out a small ‘Oh.’ They didn’t see it, but for a moment, instead of his normal expression where he doesn’t show any emotion, he actually had a look of concern on his face.

• ''L/n-san... '' They looked up again, slowly and hesitating this time. ''I apologies to intrude into your life like this... but, is everything alright ? '' The bi-haired boy was not really good with comforting someone, but for them, he would do anything.

• They looked at the ground once again. A few seconds passed, that seemed like hours, it was completely silent, until a sob broke it. Todoroki’s eyes widened slightly. They shake their head and whispered a ‘N-o’.

• He calmly get closer to them and sit in front of their plate. His eyes were caring, were soft and were telling you that he was ready to listen.

• Y/n eventually explained everything. About their dad, about what he did, how violent he become when he drinks. Shoto is naturally a calm guy and was good at hiding his emotion, but this time, it was more harder then usual to hide the rage and the sadness he felt.

• The rage for what their dad did and the sadness because, the person that he cared the most, was living the same hell as him. He knows how it feels and it hurts him. He would do everything to make them happy and seeing them so lost, so sad, is hurting him.

• They got closer to him and Todoroki gave them a big hug, their face was hiding on his chest while he was stroking their hair.

• He sighed. '' I’m here for you. And I understand you. It does hurt, but I know that you can get through this. You’re the strongest person I’ve ever met. You’re smiling even when everything seems impossible to solve, because you’re strong and you believe in your comrades. You also, never gives up no matter what. ''

• ''And I promise, that he will never hurt you again, not as long as I’m here. You’re safe here. ''

• Their tense form slowly calmed down while he was talking, which was making him relieved. They were less shaky, not sobbing anymore, just sniffing. They get away from his chest and looked into his eyes.

• He cared. He was worried and here he was now, helping them. He sighed in relief and looked at their plate. ''How long haven’t you ate a proper dinner, Y/n-san ? ''

• She sighed and shrugged. He nodded slightly and took the two chopsticks, taking something in their plate and then put it in front of their mouth, which they gladly accepted and opened the mouth to eat it. He smiled.

• ''Thank you... Shoto. ''

——————

|| Eijiro Kirishima

• '' Y/N-SAN ! '' Cried out the red haired male. He hardened his hand and punched the guy that was behind his s/o. They were crying, yelling the villain to stop. That’s what happened before they passed out.

• The League Of Villains attacked again, with more bad guys to destroy. They separated the class and L/n was with Kirishima. They were fighting until the red head heard his comrade yelling, like someone just died and crying out loud. Once he turned around, the last villain was taking them by their waist and they eventually freaked out.

• So here he was, waiting for his s/o to wake up again, next of the hospital bed after Recovery Girl patched her up. What happened ? What did the villain do to make them freak out so much like this ? Eijiro couldn’t handle it, he has to know, otherwise he would feel bad.

• Y/n wasn’t the type to freak out easily. The male actually was inspired by the fact that they were always keeping their calm in every kind of situation, well, almost every kind.

• He was worried. He knew that Y/n didn’t like to be touch, he never knew why, he just guessed that they were just not a touchy type, which he understood. Maybe that’s why they freaked out ? Because the villain touched them ?

• He also noticed the way they look when a guy was really close to them. For exemple, they were once holding Mineta to protect him and he puts his hand on their chest, they looked scared and threw him immediately on the ground.

• He couldn’t try to guess farther, because they were now waking up. Their eyes slowly opened. Growling a curse, they sad on the bed and scratched the behind of their neck. They looked around the room until their eyes met with the red ones.

• '' K-Kirishima ?... '' They asked softly. He smiled softly to them. '' Hey. How are you feeling ? '' They sigh and shrugged. ''What happened ? ''

• '' The league was attacking us, we were fine until a villain suddenly went behind you and you started yelling and freaking out... you passed out. ''

• Their mouth was slightly open, forming a ‘o’, then they closed it again. '' We won ? '' They asked, which he nodded. They sighed in relief with a small smile. Kirishima then looked at them with a concerned look.

• '' Y/n-san...? '' They hummed, telling they were listening. ''Wh-What happened with... the villain ? ''

• They sighed, looking at the corner of the room. '' He... He touched me, I-... I just don’t like when someone touch me, that’s all. '' Kirishima looked sad a little bit. He was wishing for more details, but he guessed he will have to find out himself.

• A few seconds passed, it was silent. ''I know it’s none of my business... but why ? ''

• It was silent, no one talked.

• Until Kirishima heard Y/n sobbin. His eyes would widened and they eventually vented to him. Telling everything that this asshole did to them.

• Kirishima was angry, not at them, but at the person that did this. Everything clicked in his head. He was worried for them, he quickly take them and put their head on his chest.

• After a few minutes, they calmed down. Kirishima looked at their face and took away the tears with his thumb.

• '' Y/n, I promise that I’ll never, ever let anyone hurt you again. I’m here for you, I care and I’ll never let you down. '' He looked down a little.

• '' If I learned something through the years... is that maybe I can’t change the past... but I still can change my future, and it’s the same for you, Y/n ! '' He had tears in the coiner of his eyes.

• They states at him and smiled.

• ''Thank you, Kirishima... ''

[mickeylovebot]

THERAPY - fluffy/sad gallavich oneshot

Mickey and Ian had been married for a couple years. They lived together, happily. They took turns making breakfast. They went on dates every couple of weeks. They still fucked all the time, everywhere they could. They were still in love, but now it was comfortable. They weren’t endlessly fighting for one another. They knew they had each other. They knew they could love and rely on each other. They were soulmates, together at last. One night, though...

“Mick. Mickey, wake up.” Ian shook Mickey worriedly. Mickey had been twitching in his sleep, gasping for air.

Finally, Mickey awoke, looking around like he didn’t know where he was.

“It’s okay, Mick. You’re here. I’m here.” Ian tried to reassure him.

Mickey looked into Ian’s eyes and immediately felt a bit better. And then a bit embarrassed. “Fuck.” He complained.

“Are you okay?” Ian laid back down, spooning Mickey and gently rubbing his hand. “That’s your fourth nightmare this week.”

“I’m fine, don’t fuckin’ call it a nightmare.” Mickey said defensively.

“Mickey–”

“Can’t hear you. I’m going back to sleep.” And that was that. But Mickey kept his eyes open, and snuggled back into Ian, silently fearing falling back asleep.

Ian kept his eyes open too, staring at the back of Mickey’s neck, counting his neckhairs, knowing that Mickey was going through something Ian couldn’t fix.

Ian woke up earlier than Mickey for work. On his way out, he kissed a half-asleep Mickey on the cheek and they exchanged “I-love-you”s before the day. Ian worked as an EMT. Mickey worked as security in another south side store. But Mickey was off that day.

“Hey Mick, I’ve got a funny story ab–” Ian said loudly once he’d gotten home. It was usual for them to share what happened during their days. They shared everything. “Mick?”

But he couldn’t see Mickey. He checked every room frantically, finally making his way to the bedroom, where Mickey was curled up in the corner, shaking and sweating, staring blankly at the floor. “Mick.” Ian ran over and kneeled down next to Mickey. “Mickey, baby, what’s wrong?”

Mickey didn’t respond, didn’t even blink. Ian looked around for anything, a broken window, a mark, anything, and finally saw Mickey’s tattooed knuckles strained because he was holding his phone so tightly. Ian managed to loosen Mickey’s grip, which Mickey was still unresponsive to.

Ian saw that the phone was open to the middle of an article, where a teenage boy was talking about how his father abused him in detail. Ian started tearing up, realizing what Mickey might be going through.

“Mickey, can you look at me?” Ian asked Mickey quietly. He knew what it was like. He’d seen it a million times as an EMT. And he knew that’s how he’d looked whenever he was having a panic attack, whenever he was having a flashback, whenever his meds had gone out of balance. Mickey blinked. “Mickey, please. Look at me.”

Mickey finally, slowly, looked up at Ian. Ian had never seen him so scared.

“You’re safe.” Ian said. “You’re safe here. Nobody will hurt you here. He’s not here.”

Mickey kept staring at Ian. Tears were starting to well up in his eyes as well.

“C’mon, let’s get you up, get you to the couch.” Ian took Mickey’s hand and arm and tried to help him up. Mickey was almost burdening Ian with his entire weight. He could barely stand. But they made it to the couch, where Ian sat beside him, facing him, holding him. Tears were pouring out of Mickey’s eyes now.

“It’s okay. It will all be okay, Mick. You’re safe.” Ian tried to soothe him, like he soothed his patients, like he’d been soothed before. Eventually, it worked. Mickey fell asleep, to which Ian laid him down gently and put a blanket over him. Ian couldn’t bear to leave Mickey like that and fell asleep too, sitting up, holding his hand. When he woke up, Mickey wasn’t there. He went searching again and found him lying on their bed, staring at an opened beer bottle on the side table.

Over the years, Mickey opened up about a lot of things. He was getting more and more in touch with his feelings, which was miraculous, really. But Ian knew that something this deep would be hard to get out of him. So all he did was lie down and spook Mickey again, silently, and to his surprise, Mickey spoke up.

“I’ve stabbed people,” He began, “I’ve been shot. I own like a million guns. I’m the shortest guy I know and I still have a fucking great right hook. I have guys that will listen to anything I ask. I’ve tried to kill people, a few times. And yet somehow, somehow...” His voice cracked a bit. He couldn’t say the rest, but Ian understood.

“Mick,” Ian almost laughed at the ridiculousness, “You’re still tough. You’re still the guy who will throw a punch at anybody for anything, hell, half the time you don’t even need a reason. You’re still the guy who people should be afraid of. You’re still the guy who’s endlessly sarcastic and sometimes cold. You’re still the toughest guy I know. And... you’re still the guy I fell in love with. And if I wasn’t so in love with you I think I’d be scared of you too.” He whispered that last part. Mickey gave a somewhat sad chuckle. “But he’s your dad, Mick. The piece of shit who raised you, if you can even use that word. Of course it was gonna bother you eventually...”

Mickey said nothing, for a moment, and turned around to face Ian. He had that same look in his eye that he had for years. The look that said the blood pumped in his veins for the stupid redhead in front of him. He still looked sad, worried, angry, but the love he felt for Ian got through all of that. He gently cupped Ian’s cheek and looked him right in the eyes. “But why now?” He said quietly. “Why is that bastard giving me nightmares now? I didn’t even have fucking nightmares when I was nine years old.”

“Well,” Ian pulled Mickey closer, “You’re relatively safe now. You’re not constantly thinking about the next drug deal, the next shooting, the next time you have to beat a guy for mistreating one of your prostututes. And you never dealt with it... so, your mind decided to deal with it now.”

“I don’t want him to have power over me like this. Not anymore.” Mickey said with a clenched jaw.

“I know, baby, I know.” Ian kissed him softly and then Mickey laid his head on Ian’s chest.

He wrapped his legs around Ian’s and listened to his slow heartbeat. “What do I do now?”

Ian knew what to do next. But he figured he’d leave it for the morning. He’d let Mickey just rest. He’d put on Mickey’s favourite show and make his favourite food for dinner. And in the morning...

Ian quickly ended his call when Mickey came to the kitchen for breakfast.

Mickey raised his eyebrows. “Who was that?”

Ian hoped he’d have more time to think of how to tell him. “Um... a therapist.” He said honestly.

“Oh, why, your meds out of whack again?” He asked casually as he put a waffle on his plate.

“For you, Mick.” Ian admitted quietly. Mickey’s mouth hung open.

“No. I’m not goin’ to a shrink.” He said sternly.

“You need somebody who can help you, Mickey.” Ian pleaded.

Mickey shook his head. “You help me. I don’t need a doctor. I’m not bipolar, or depressed, or anything. It’s just a fuckin’ nightmare.”

“I’m not... I can’t be there all the time. I can’t make your nightmares go away. But a therapist could help you deal with it yourself. A therapist could really make it all go away for you.”

Mickey stared right at him, speechless. “I said no.” And Mickey went for his jacket.

“Mick–” Ian tried to stop him, to sit him down, to talk about it.

“I’m goin’ for a walk before work.” Was all Mickey said. He looked at Ian once more. He looked like he knew, deep down, that maybe Ian was right. And then he quickly kissed him on the lips, said “I love you.” And left.

The day trudged on slowly for the both of them. Ian was sick with worry about Mickey. Mickey was sick with guilt about leaving Ian in the dark like that. They both waited impatiently for the end of the day, where they could talk. Ian came home first, and was pacing around the apartment, trying to find something to do, something to clean, to keep his anxious mind off of it until Mickey got home.

And when Mickey finally got home, Ian shamelessly rushed to the door and took Mickey by surprise with a kiss.

Mickey grinned into the kiss and pulled away. “What was that for?”

“I was worried.” Ian said breathlessly.

Mickey rolled his eyes. “You don’t need to–”

“I do.” Ian interrupted. “You’re one of the very few people I actually care about. I do need to fucking worry.”

And Mickey, seeing the distress Ian was under, let go of his emotionless pose. “I’m sorry.” He said with eyes that were just as sorry.

“Can we talk about it? Therapy?” Ian asked.

“Fine. But just talking.” Mickey was already on the defence. But he would listen. For Ian’s sake.

Ian nodded, “Okay, come in, I made tea.” He didn’t admit that he made tea because he needed something to distract himself with.

“Tea?” Mickey muttered to himself.

Ian set the tea down on the coffee table. From the few times Mickey had tea, he remembered: one sugar. And black for himself.

Mickey sipped his tea and watched Ian awkwardly. Neither of them knew where to start.

“I need you to be okay.” Ian blurted out.

“I’ll be okay.” Mickey tried to reassure him. But Ian knew that nobody would be okay after what Mickey’s gone through.

“Why don’t you want to go?” Ian asked genuinely but still with anxiety.

“I dunno...” It was the truth, he wasn’t sure. “I don’t want anybody picking inside my head.” Anybody but you, he thought.

“What if I go too?” Ian asked, out of nowhere.

“What? With me?” Mickey asked in a way that already said no.

“No. On my own, just... I’ll tell them things too. About Frank, maybe. About never having a real parent. About Monica... I’ve been through, uh, half the shit you’ve been through but I probably need it too.”

Flashes of moments flew by where Mickey had to be the protector, the comforter, the one who held Ian when he cried, when everything came back up. He remembered how his chest tightened and how he’d do anything for Ian never to feel that way again.

“I don’t want to either,” Ian continued, “I don’t like bringing that shit up. But if you will, I will.”

“You’ll really talk to them? About everything? A stranger?”

Ian nodded quickly. “If it means you’ll do the same.”

“Fuck,” And Mickey’s wall had been broken down. “I’ll try it. I guess.”

Ian looked both surprised and ecstatic. He immediately pulled Mickey into a tight hug. Mickey pretended to be annoyed.

“Thank you, thank you.” Ian said quietly, sincerely.

“I said I’ll try it.” Mickey pointed out as Ian pulled away from the hug.

Ian couldn’t help but kiss Mickey, holding the back of his neck gently. He kissed Mickey’s cheek, jaw, neck.

“If this is the gift I get for going to therapy maybe I’ll go quite a bit,” Mickey joked.

“Shut up.” Ian smiled. They looked at each other so genuinely, so adoringly. “I love you.” Ian said, as if it was coming out of his mouth before he knew it, as if he was admitting it for the first time.

“I love you too.”

And just like that, Mickey was taking another step in his life, for Ian, like everything was, always for Ian.

Ian sat thankful, comfortable, and mindlessly kissed the silver band on Mickey’s ring finger. And Mickey noticed, and felt warm inside. And they were okay, together.

[wolfenm]

Wei Wuxian’s story fixed what Tony Stark’s broke ....

Prefacing this to say that I do love RDJ and Tony Stark and Marvel, etc (though, for many reasons, I still refuse to see Endgame). But I was just struck a moment ago by how much more I adore Wei Wuxian, and how much better / more satisfyingly I feel he was handled on a couple of story points that are similar to Tony’s. SPOILERS for the MCU to-date, and for The Untamed / Chen Qing Ling (and technically Mo Dao Zu Shi, but I prefer the show’s depiction of the character, over the book, so this is written with the show specifically in mind).

One thing I’ve argued with people about in the past is how, I feel, it was character assasination to have Tony Stark get / stay angry at Bucky (and thus Steve, for defending him) for the death of Tony’s parents. Hell, when I ficced Bucky being found before Civil War, I had Tony see getting Bucky’s mind back as the perfect revenge on HYDRA! So I was thoroughly baffled at Tony going apeshit against Bucky in Civil War. I loved that movie in general, but that storypoint felt hella contrived just to have some excuse to depict an “iconic” moment from the comics (from a plot I likewise felt was a bit too contrived / threw Tony under the bus for drama, but I digress).

I’m sorry, but I refuse to believe that Tony Stark, the man who created BARF, wouldn’t grasp, sooner or later, that Bucky was fucking MIND-RAPED by HYDRA, and was thus as much a victim as Tony’s parents. And so I then ficced Tony coming to his senses and using BARF to help Bucky … only for me to subsequently be disappointed again on that front by the MCU canon. (I also refuse to believe that Tony couldn’t understand how and why Steve would put his love of Bucky before everything and everyone else – Tony had two {or three, if Happy counts} people like that in his life during Civil War {Pepper and Rhodey}, and then Peter and Morgan. Digressing again, sorry.) But people have been all, “It totally makes sense for him to be like that!” – even though he’s supposed to be a good guy, a hero!

I’m even more disturbed by the sentiment I’ve often come across that Tony *needed* to die to complete his arc of learning to be selfless. Last time I checked, he already tried to sacrifice himself in The Avengers, when he took a nuclear warhead through a wormhole! I’ve seen so much hate towards him for all he did in Age of Ultron, but THERE, his actions actually made sense to me, more or less (even if I didn’t exactly agree with them): he *thought* he was doing a good thing. I could see the logic in his conclusion, and things COULD have turned out well, if not for certain data points he’d missed / him being overconfident. Atonement is about cleaning up your mess, not specifically about dying – especially if you still have people to live for!

So then we have Wei Wuxian. Like Tony Stark, he’s brash and confident and inventive and can sometimes run roughshod over people – and certain things he does are highly frowned upon by others. He comes to regret, at least for a time, the controversial path he carves for himself (like Tony regretting being a weapons manufacturer).

But when a group of innocent people, survivors from the Wen Clan – the same family as a couple of the show’s villains, but a different branch – were being mistreated and even killed because everyone else felt they were as guilty as the true villains (for not standing with everyone against the evil members of their clan, never mind that they had been threatened by them too – Bucky under HYDRA, anyone?), Wei Wuxian – who, mind, had gone on a murderous spree to slaughter the truly evil Wens via malicious means – sacrificed everything, getting exiled by his clan, and living in poverty and under threat, to defend those innocents. Even after feeling extreme wrath towards his mortal enemies, he understood right and wrong enough to not paint everyone with the same clan name with the same brush. He could have *just* saved Wen Qing and Wen Ning (to whom he owed a mountain of gratitude, even though his clan brother Jiang Cheng, who owed the same debt yet didn’t stand up for them them, faulted Wei Wuxian for putting them over his own clan), but no – Wei Wuxian went against the world, *even his loved ones*, to do the right thing, saving all the survivors of Wen Qing’s people from deadly servitude.

And then there came a point where Wei Wuxian’s world was ablaze. It’s understandable that Wei Wuxian was initially furious with Wen Ning’s part in what went down (Wen Ning killed Wei Wuxian’s brother-in-law, unknowingly under someone else’s control, but that wasn’t discovered until much later), but Wei Wuxian still was immediately horrified and extremely distressed by the idea of Wen Ning giving his life in atonement (and later, Wei Wuxian was endlessly concerned for Wen Ning).

Anyway, Wei Wuxian had reason to believe it was his OWN fault that certain horrible things happened (he didn’t know about outside interference by someone with murderous intentions and little concern for collateral damage). And so, Wei Wuxian committed suicide, feeling that the world, including his "lifelong confidant"/"soulmate", was better off without him and his disastrous creation (the Stygian Tiger Amulet, which he’d actually controlled better than he’d thought, but the concept of it did end up being misused by others, so …).

BUT THAT WASN’T THE END OF HIS STORY. In fact, as all versions open with the announcement of his death, in media res, it’s technically the *beginning*! Years later, he’s resurrected, solves a series of murders, acts as a mentor for some youths, learns a lot of truths (including what had really happened with his brother-in-law’s death, and that there were those who’d actually loved and missed him when he’d died), and presumably goes on to a bright future – a LIFE with his soulmate, putting his talents to further use for the benefit of humanity. He doesn’t pay the ultimate sacrifice to stop someone else’s mess (like Tony does with Thanos) – his death never made him a hero, just was a tragedy. In fact, many people in his world had said “good riddance” when he’d died, but we learned that they were demonstrably wrong in feeling that way – we were supposed to be sad over it, and relieved when it was undone, and thrilled at his second chance, feel a great wrong had finally been righted! Not feel that it was the best possible outcome!

(Even some of the people I’ve talked to who DO agree that Tony’s end was a tragedy, not deserved / needed for his character, still seem to have WANTED it, felt somebody dying was the best way to end Endgame, and I just can’t relate AT ALL. To me, his best end, the best way to write Tony out so RDJ could retire from the franchise, would have been him just retiring to the lab, as promised to Pepper, and maybe consulting by phone now and then.)

Considering Wei Wuxian went on to save all the clans from annihilation, it’s a good thing he DID come back! And considering how he solved mysteries and saved a few people after THAT, it’s a good thing he didn’t die saving the clans, either!

So poor Tony. Poor Pepper. Poor Morgan. Poor Peter. And poor us.

Thank the gods (and the novel author, and the Untamed showrunners, and actor Xiao Zhan) for Wei Wexian (and his Lan Wangji, his Lan Zhan), healing my little fan heart after Marvel devastated it!💖

[jessahmewren]

“i didn’t know it could be like this” Chapter 2: Trust/ Queen / Bohemian Rhapsody Fan Fiction

Chapter 1 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10

Summary:  Days later, Brian and Freddie can't get Roger and John out of their minds.

Rated T: for Tantalizing yet Tame

Chapter 2 of ?

Pairings: Freddie Mercury/John Deacon, Brian May/Roger Taylor, Roger Taylor/John Deacon, eventual puppy pile (It’s Poly y’all)

Words: 3037

Also on AO3-

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It was passed noon when John woke up on the barely-there mattress of their little flat, wrapped in Roger’s arms.  Gossamer curtains gently stirred in the warm breeze, tickling his nose.  Sleeping with the windows open might not be the safest, but it kept the air inside their little home from growing stale. 

“Good morning,” Roger mumbled into his neck.  His arms grew tighter around him, their nude bodies flush against each other. 

“Mmm, technically not morning,” John said playfully as he squeezed him back.

Roger smiled.  “It’s our morning.” 

They didn’t always have sex, especially on a work night, but last night they had tumbled through the door of their shared flat, shedding clothes as they went, and John had fucked Roger in the moonlight, long and slow. 

He pressed his lips against Roger’s.  “You OK,” he mumbled.  Roger only nodded, a faint smile on his face.

“Not sore?”  John’s hand ran faintly over Roger’s bum.  Roger shook his head. 

“Need me to check?” John smirked then as Roger slapped his hand.

“You’re being cheeky,” Roger said finally as he rolled on his side. 

John reached up to tuck a stray lock of golden hair behind his ear.  “Tell me what’s on your mind Roggie.”

Roger swallowed, looking at a point over John’s shoulder.  “One of my clients last night.  He was…different.” 

John’s brows knitted together.  “What happened?” 

“No, nothing like that.  I mean, it was nice.  He was nice.”

John smiled, exhaling a breath he hadn’t realized he was holding.  “I had a chap like that too.  He was really kind to me.  Treated my marks and everything.” 

Roger’s eyes widened, then he went to tenderly stroke at John’s back.  “They look better this morning,” he murmured.

“Yeah,” John said wistfully.  “I wish life could be like that, you know?” 

Roger blinked at him with his large blue eyes, the sun in his hair only making it lighter...making his whole face glow. 

“Like what John?” 

“That people in the world wanted to help you rather than hurt you,” he said, settling his head on Roger’s shoulder. 

Roger gently stroked the smooth skin of the younger man’s arm, wishing he could make him promises.  White knight promises.  Hero promises.  He couldn’t.  He loved John, but he couldn’t protect him.  He couldn’t protect himself.  And anyway, John was right. 

“You’ll always have me,” Roger said instead.  “I’ll never hurt you.” 

John looked up at him softly.  “And you’ll always have me Roggie.  Always.” 

The two curled around each other under the thin sheet, sleeping for as long as they could before work called them back into the world again.

---

“This is bullocks.” 

It was the third time he had played the riff, and the third time he had made the same mistake.  Ever since he had visited that bloody club, he’d been distracted. 

“Let’s go for a pint,” Freddie suggested, realizing Brian’s frustration.  Robbie, their fourth bassist in two weeks, declined. 

“Um, got other plans guys.  See you later.”  He waved politely as he fucked off to wherever he spent his time.  Come to think of it, Brian hadn’t even learned his last name. 

And he’ll be gone before I do, he thought before he could stop himself. 

He sighed.  Climbing into the van, he couldn’t help but think of the last time they were headed somewhere like this…just a few days ago…to that infernal club with that young man with the pale hair and sweet blue eyes he just couldn’t get out of his mind. 

Brian rubbed his eyes, hoping to clear his thoughts.  They were at the pub in no time and Brian was pounding beers to try and clear his head. 

“Whoah there Bri, you wanna take it easy and tell me what’s got you so worked up?” 

Brian slammed his bottle on the table, a frustrated sigh escaping his lips.  He didn’t, not really.  He and Freddie had never discussed what happened to them at Club Orchid.  But maybe it was time they did. 

“I’ve been playing like shit ever since that club, Fred.  And I can barely concentrate on my studies.  I told you going there was a bad idea.” 

Freddie’s eyebrows shot up.  “Met someone memorable, did you?  Shag of your life?”

Brian fiddled with the label on his beer, spinning the bottle on its bottom until it nearly tilted over.  “Yeah. I mean no…it wasn’t like that.” 

Freddie frowned, not understanding.  “Well what did you guys do, play Parcheesi?”

Brian hit him with part of the peeled label.  “Fuck off, Fred.”

He nodded to Freddie.  “What about you.  I didn’t see you all night.  You must’ve found someone to run off with.” 

Freddie sighed, resting his chin in his hand.  “Oh, I did.  Tender little thing.  Beautiful.  Had been so mistreated though.” 

Brian scowled.  “Mistreated?”

“Fucking marks all over him.  I mean, it was awful Bri.” 

Brian sighed.  “Well, if I know you I know you did the right thing.” 

Freddie chuffed.  “I’m actually offended you would think otherwise.”  Freddie drummed his fingers on the table distractedly.  “You know, I’d kind of like to see how my little flower is blooming,” he said with a twinkle in his eye. 

Brian just shook his head.  “No Fred.  That club is no good.  They don’t treat or train their employees properly.  I don’t think we need to patronize it anymore.” 

Freddie nodded thoughtfully.  “I see your point.  But one more time wouldn’t hurt…if only to gather evidence on the place and to hopefully shut it down for good.” 

Damn him, Brian thought.  He knows just how to play me.  Brian chewed the inside of his cheek.  “I guess it would be good to see how Roger is faring,” he said finally.  “Maybe get some closure on this so I can move on with my life.” 

Freddie smiled.  “Roger, huh?”  He brought his beer to his lips, still grinning like the cat that got the cream. 

---

It was a slow night.  Roger and John had been waiting for clients all night, but for whatever reason, they hadn’t had any. 

So, they drank.  And by the time Freddie and Brian made their way back to Club Orchid, they were completely pissed. 

The two found them on the dancefloor in the back of the club, grinding into each other seductively to a song they could barely hear.  John had a glass in his hand, and Roger was lazily mouthing his neck as they moved to the rhythm of the music. 

Brian’s mouth fell open, his cock twitching in his pants. 

“That’s John,” Freddie said. 

“And that’s Roger,” Brian said as if in a daze. 

The two men looked at each other and shared a bemused smile. 

“Well,” Freddie said, “let’s go say hello, shall we?” 

Brian tapped Roger lightly on the shoulder, and the blond looked up at him, eyes glassy and hooded in the violet lights.  “Hey, I remember you,” he said, giggling.

Brian smiled.  “May I cut in?”  His eyes darted to Roger’s dance partner, who was a good bit drunker than Roger.  The man nodded, pouting slightly as he backed away, only to be intercepted by Freddie. 

“Hello flower,” Freddie purred as he took the glass from John’s hand and set it on a nearby table.  “Having a little fun tonight, are we?” 

John laughed, tipping his head back as Freddie supported his weight with both arms around his waist.  Slowly, they swayed to the music. 

“Just waiting to go upstairsss,” he slurred.

Freddie nodded, his mouth fixed in a flat line. 

“Do you remember me darling?  From the other night?” 

John fixed his eyes on Freddie’s face, concentrating.  Then, Freddie could see the spark of recognition light in his face. 

“You sucked my cock!” John said a little too loudly, right into Freddie’s ear.  “Such a lovely man.”  John drunkenly stroked a hand up Freddie’s chest to settle along his face.  “Why don’t we go upstairs and let me show you a good time?” 

John was so drunk he was barely upright, but Freddie had to admit he was making a valiant attempt.

Freddie shook his head.  “While that’s a lovely thought, I’m afraid you’re beyond the point of consent, sweetheart.  But if you’d like to have a chat upstairs, we can.  I’ll still tip you.” 

John smiled.  “We can do whatever you want for one hour,” he said, just like he’d said to dozens of other men.  With an arm around his waist, Freddie led him upstairs. 

Roger watched John be led away, a gleam in his eye.  “Looks like your friend’s getting fucked tonight,” Roger said with a cheeky grin.  “Wanna be able to say the same?” 

Brian swallowed, his grip on Roger’s slim waist tightening a bit. 

“You’re drunk,” he said into those eager blue eyes. 

Roger stuck his lip out petulantly. “I’m whatever you want me to be,” he said seductively, a hand smoothing over Brian’s ass. 

“Stop that,” Brian hissed, backing away from the blond.  “You don’t know what you want.” 

Roger looked up at him angrily.  “I know if I don’t get fucked, I don’t get groceries,” he said flatly.  “So if I’m not what you want tonight, you should just say it.”

Brian realized, then, that he shouldn’t have come.  He felt more conflicted now than he did before.  There was no closure on this.  He just needed to forget Roger and life would be easier. Or--

“I’ll go upstairs with you,” Brian found himself saying.  “But we do things my way.  You don’t touch me until I say.  You don’t do anything unless I say.  Understood?” 

Roger was listening intently, nodding slightly along to his words.  Although Brian could tell Roger wanted to touch him, he didn’t. 

“Yes sir, he said. 

---

Freddie swatted at the young man’s hands where they still fumbled with his fly.  “You can fuck me,” he mumbled drunkenly, looking up at Freddie with lovely hazel eyes still clouded with alcohol.  “Wanna make you feel good.” 

Freddie hauled the young man up under his arms, shaking his head.  “I feel fine,” he said firmly.  “Are you going to listen to your Dom?  Do as I say?” 

John gasped, chewing an already overworked lower lip.  “Yes sir,” he said quietly. 

“Then go sit on the bed and wait for me,” Freddie ordered.  “And stop chewing your lip.” 

John plopped heavily onto the bed, his mouth firmly closed. 

Freddie felt slightly guilty ordering the young man around outside the confines of a consenting agreement, but he considered this an emergency situation.  Exasperated, Freddie pressed the intercom button on the wall.  “Can I get anything to eat or drink in this godforsaken place?”

A crackle came back almost immediately.  “We have a small kitchen sir.  Sandwiches and the like.” 

“Then get me a turkey sandwich and a bottle of water,” Freddie snapped, no desire to impart any pleasantries to anyone associated with the club. 

If John happened to be a vegetarian, like Brian, he would just have to deal with it, he thought too late. 

He returned to the young man, his posture sagged and his eyes already drooping.  Freddie stroked his hair gently, moving it out of his face.  “Why don’t you lie down dear?” 

“May I sir?” 

The way he asked permission pulled at something in Freddie’s chest, something fond and unfamiliar.  He smiled down at him, gently stroking his face.  “You may.  Rest until the food comes.  You’ve had too much to drink.” 

John’s mouth quirked as his head hit the pillow.  “I like to drink,” John mumbled. 

Freddie sighed.  “It’s not good for you.  Not to excess.” 

“Life is not good for me,” John muttered, then drifted off to sleep. 

Freddie looked sadly at the sleeping brunet.  He was thin…somehow he hadn’t noticed it the other day, and more pale than he remembered.  John stirred slightly and frowned in his sleep. 

Freddie wondered how many times he was allowed to just lie down in these rooms and rest. 

The food came too fast, and begrudgingly he gently nudged John’s arm to wake him up.  He still started, eyes flying open and body jerking as if ready to defend himself from an unknown attacker.  Freddie shushed him quietly, trying to keep the pity out of his gaze. 

“John,” he said quietly, “Can you sit up for me?  Sit up and eat this?”  Freddie reached for the bottle and handed it to him as John slid up to prop himself against the headboard.  “You also need to drink this water.” 

John blinked up at him, a bit of sleep having cleared his head somewhat.  He watched him with a guarded expression.  “Why are you doing this?”

Freddie swallowed.  I don’t know, but I can’t stop thinking of you. “Because it’s the right thing to do,” he said instead.

John took the water bottle, holding it close to his chest.  His eyes fell on the sandwich, widening a little. 

“You should eat the sandwich,” John said suddenly.

Freddie looked at him curiously.  “I don’t want it.  I’m not hungry.  Aren’t you hungry?” 

John shook his head, his lips pressed together tightly. 

“John,” Freddie said sternly, “You wouldn’t lie to your Dom, would you?”

John lowered his eyes. 

“When’s the last time you ate anything, flower?”

“I had some peanuts at the bar,” John mumbled. 

Freddie smoothed his hair, tipping his head back gently so he would look at him.  “And when was that?” 

“Yesterday, sir.” 

Freddie felt his hands shake.  “And why haven’t you eaten?” 

“Roger and I have to skip some days,” he said, looking at the floor.  “It’s OK though.  We’re used to it.”

Freddie swallowed, suddenly uncharacteristically shy.  “Are you and Roger…a couple?”

John blushed.  “Yeah, he said with a small smile.  I couldn’t make it without him.”    

The little admission and the small smile made something bloom within Freddie, something solid and warm.  “Eat this sandwich,” he said firmly.  “Eat as much as you can, John.  It’s good for your body, and it’s what I want you to do.  Do you understand?” 

John’s eyes were large under his thick lashes, but he nodded once. 

“That’s good,” Freddie said.  They had twenty minutes left.

John took a tentative bite of the sandwich.  John’s eyes closed as his teeth sank into the bit of bread and meat as Freddie watched him, his stomach flipping and eyes wide. 

It was a shitty looking sandwich, with stale bread curled on the edges, but John didn’t seem to mind.  He quickly devoured one half and started on the other. 

I want to feed him, Freddie thought nonsensically, I want to get him fat on pasta and wrap him in silk. 

Freddie blinked it away.  The clock was still ticking.  Freddie felt wetness on his cheek. 

---

Brian sat in a chair in the corner of the room, Roger on his knees between his legs.  The young blond looked up at him expectantly, bouncing on his bottom with nervous energy as he looked up at Brian.  He was sitting on his hands. 

“Rest your face against my thigh, Roger.”  Brian patted the inside of his bare thigh, and Roger eagerly nuzzled his face into the warm flesh, his eyes slipping closed. 

“I’m going to ask you a series of yes or no questions, and I want you to answer them truthfully.  There are no wrong answers, and you won’t be punished.”  Brian gently caressed the young blond’s cheek.  “Can you do that for me?” 

“Yes sir,” Roger said a little breathily.  From where Roger sat, he could feel the man’s heat, smell his unique musk, and it was making him dizzy. 

Brian let his hands trail through the flaxen hair, enjoying the silken texture.  “Does this feel nice?”

Roger sighed.  “Yes sir.” 

Brian tsked.  “No title.  Simply yes or no will do.  Now let’s try again.”  He gently stroked Roger’s hair.  “Does this feel nice?”

“Yes,” Roger replied. 

“Good boy,” Brian said, and he saw Roger’s eyelids flutter.

Brian’s hands stilled in his hair.  “Did you like it when I praised you just now?  When I called you a good boy?” 

Roger bit his lip.  “Yes.”

Brian gave his hair a hard tug, eliciting a small gasp from the young man.  “Do you like how that feels.” 

“Yes,” Roger replied.

Brian let his hands travel down Roger’s cheek to clasp tightly around his throat.  “What about that?  Do you like how that feels?” 

Roger said nothing at first, then finally whispered, “No.”

“Well done.  You’re learning limits.” 

Roger remained quietly nuzzled against Brian’s thigh, periodically shifting on his knees. 

“Are you and John lovers?” 

Roger’s mouth twitched.  “Yes,” he said. 

Brian’s hand returned to his hair.  “Are you in love with him?” 

Roger lips tugged into a small smile.  “Yes.” 

“Do you like working here?” 

Roger’s eyebrows furrowed.  “No.”

Brian played with the smooth hairs at the base of Roger’s neck.  “Do you like sex?” 

Roger look conflicted.  “No,” he said finally. 

“Good boy, Roger,” Brian said softly.  “You may get up now.” 

Brian helped him up and led him to the bed.  Brian got in first, then beckoned Roger to join him.

When Brian wrapped his arms around the blond, he instinctively tensed up. 

“It’s ok love.  We’re just going to have a cuddle."  Brian pulled a warm blanket over them as he curled Roger into his middle.  “Is a cuddle OK?”

“Yessir,” Roger said, barely above a whisper.  He let himself be pulled into Brian’s arms, melting a little against the taller man’s body. 

Brian tightened his arm around him, sighing as Roger’s head seemed to drop against his shoulder.  “See how nice this is?”

“Mmmm.  I like cuddles,” Roger said absently. 

Brian smiled.  “You do?  That’s lovely.” 

“John and I cuddle a lot,” he said rather sweetly.  “Sometimes we do that instead of…you know.” 

Adorably, there was a light blush across his cheekbones, and his eyes were gleaming. 

Brian absently rubbed a hand down his arm.  “Of course, that’s understandable.  Intimacy can be shared in a variety of ways, and they’re all important.”  Brian cleared his throat.  “What we’re doing now is very intimate."

Roger’s blush deepened, but he gave Brian a shy smile. 

-0-0-0-

[ser-yolomere-of-swagalore]

Welcome, O life! I go to encounter for the millionth time the reality of experience and to forge in the smithy of my soul the uncreated conscience of my race myself, bitch.

James Joyce -- Ulysses (with some much needed editing)

I haven’t written here in a long time. In fact, after this post, I don’t really see myself writing here every again-- and no, before any of you (if there is, in fact, any one who will see this) jump to conclusions, this isn’t some kind of weird suicide note, or plea for help. What this is, is a sort of manifesto, or a summation, of everything that I’ve felt, and am feeling at the moment, and in a way, hopefully, purging myself of these feelings forever. It’s a goodbye, but also a new opportunity. A creation, as well as a destruction. A final litany of things that I have to say, or wanted to say, and a final exorcism of numerous antagonistic little ghosts that have been rattling around in my head for God knows how long. 

I’ve always been struck by the concept of a sort of Joycean paralysis. Maybe because it’s true-- that Irish people are, in a weird way, struck with a sort of deep, abiding, spiritual malaise, a psychological and emotional paralysis, as a sort of weird, post-colonial hangover-- or maybe because it simply hits too close to home. The narrative of a sort of genealogical, archaeological torpor is one that is all too easy to believe, because it is something that I have experienced quiet viscerally throughout my entire life, but also in a way that is difficult to articulate. The sense that you’re fundamentally at odds with the world around you because of some fundamental, spiritual displacement resulting from years (centuries?) of imperialistic and religious abuse isn’t something that goes well over dinner, after all-- especially when dinner is a hurriedly bought Burger King and the sound of mopeds careening up and down the Cardiffsbridge Road muffles the sound of Coronation Street on the television. 

But it’s a feeling that has stuck with me so long. Longer than I can really remember. This sense of being held back. By myself, by the world around me, by the people around me. Dreams of leaving, of emigrating, have been a consistent fantasy of mine. Occasional spurts of creative writing have always been characterized by the theme of a departure, whether through the realm of some childish Tolkien-esque fantasy or through a plane ticket that randomly fell into the protagonist’s (read: my) lap. That feeling of momentary, ontological vertigo, when the plane leaves the ground and you can feel yourself lifted in that miniature pocket of zero-gravity, is a sensation that I’ve craved and chased (either literally, or figuratively) whenever possible, with varying degrees of success. I even had, at one point, a bit of a miniature breakdown (you know those ones, where they creep up on you, where you have this vague sense that at any minute things are just going to collapse all around you, and nothing will ever be the same) and I started doing some pretty illegal things to get money (fill in the blanks there however you wish) in order to essentially run away, get a plane ticket to somewhere, and just start afresh. But that did crash down, either way-- I started having some viscerally severe panic attacks; I felt like I was going to be trapped here, forever, that I was going to die here, that all the dreams and aspirations I had of doing something worth while were just gonna be swallowed up the dull, plot-less relentlessness with which life here seemed to drive itself--arguably into the ground. I attended counselling, got a professional, objective perspective, and was able to get to grips with things. The anxiety stopped. The borderline insane drive to escape was lulled, and while the gnawing sense of there being a sort of hole, at the center of everything, dissipated, it didn’t quite disappear. I was, once again, able to manage, and plod right along. 

Over time, I’ve come to terms with the fact that my sense of malaise is not, in fact, the result of some kind of literarily prescribed sense of paralysis-- or, at least, not entirely. It is the result of years, perhaps arguably even decades, of mistreatment. By a family and a home that is so deeply dysfunctional that it is, legitimately, tragic. By an early upbringing so neglected and isolated that, to look back and take an earnest look, is genuinely pathetic. By a mindset and by people who see who I am and see something to laugh at. I’ve slowly come to terms with the fact that my family have never quite seen me seriously, as someone incompetent, flowery, soft, and not worth paying attention to. Years, again, potentially decades of subtle gaslighting, invalidation, negation, criticism, patronizing, condescension-- all compounded by shitty, so-called friends, who were all too happy to take advantage of my desire to please and turn it around on me-- had resulted in a person who had so much self-doubt, such a negative self-image, such a horrible sense of failure that, to further disappoint, would result in self-harm. Decades of having my life dictated to me, taking up responsibility and accepting the burden of my family’s terrible choices, of having my potential and my opportunities circumscribes by what seems to be the endlessly unfolding soap opera of my extended family’s self-inflicted pain.  And the worst part is that I simply thought all of this was normal. The concept of Joycean paralysis was able to help me understand, in a vague sense, what was really wrong, but only hindered me in truly understanding its origin.

I worry that if I go on like this I’ll only end up sounding like some kind of serially self-pitying asshole, one of those people that advertises their personal trauma and tragedy as a means to win the Sadsack Olympics, or obtain sympathy, or blame their lack of success and fulfillment on their past. But in the end, that isn’t what this is about. That isn’t the reason why I’m writing this post. In fact, the reason why I am writing this is far more joyous, written with a deep smile spreading across my face. I’ve spent my entire life orientating around myself around other people, of pleasing other people, and I’ve gotten very, very good at figuring out what is that people want, and giving it to them. What I’ve learned, an what I’ve finally gotten the balls to do, is do what I want. I’ve learned to say no. I’ve learned to pursue what I want, to accrue self-confidence, self-love, self-esteem. I’ve learned to deny people, to put myself first, and tell people who need to be told what for. I’ve learned that to be “good” is to give in, to do as I’ve told and take it all on the chin, and I’ve learned that to be “bad” is to pursue what I want, and to rebel. And, fundamentally, I’ve learned that when I am good, I am very, very good, but when I am bad I am FUCKING FIERCE. 

So I am leaving. In fact, I’ve been planning on leaving for quite some time now. Since March, roughly. I am moving to the U.K, getting away from this place, to spend time with people who I have chosen to spend my time with, that I have build up relationships purely of my own choosing and initiative, and whom I trust. To build a life that I choose to build, for myself, and shirking off as much of the trauma, pain, insecurities and self-doubt as I can. Psychiatrist Harry Stack Sullivan believed that the core motivating force in all human behavior was anxiety, and not just anxiety, but the creative and ornate ways we go about avoiding or managing it. According to him, a personality was simply a collection of habits and strategies people gathered over time to “avoid or minimize anxiety, ward off disapproval, and maintain self-esteem.” What I’ve learned, personally, is the sheer liberating power of identifying and deconstructing the aspects of my own psychology that are life-limiting, and taking great joy in completely and utterly destroying the ones that are build up anxious defense mechanisms. I would be lying if I said that it wasn’t scary, because when these mechanisms fall I’ll be thrust, head first, into facing the things I am most deeply afraid of—social rejection and abandonment, unworthiness and failure, unlovability and isolation, to name a few. But it is liberating because I’ve come to realize that, yes, our defenses serve a function, but no, we don’t actually need all of them to survive-- and then, suddenly, an entirely new life is possible. I’ve come to realize that I actually CAN tolerate anxiety; I CAN live with not being liked, I CAN be misunderstood, I CAN make mistakes, I CAN feel bad. And let me tell you, it is a relief. God is sometimes understood as a creator, but he can also be understood as a destroy-- And I am choosing to be the God of my own goddamn life, and taking great pleasure in destroying that which I don’t like.

I’ve ended up prescribing some great, symbolic significance to the act of me leaving. It is me righteously striking back at all the things that had made me hate myself in the past, because they couldn’t simply tolerate hating themselves and needed to destroy me in order to feel better. And so, to them, I say: 

Fuck my family, who have done nothing to actually foster and cultivate who I am as a human being

Fuck the people who have turned my own kindness against me and made me doubt myself

Fuck the people who have made me feel as though my command of words is a weakness-- I am a fucking fantastic writer, and I dare any of those people to challenge me, because I’ll write them into the fucking ground. 

Fuck the people who made me doubt my intelligence; I am more than smart enough to figure things out for myself and smart enough, at least now, to see them for the self-hating, jealous troglodytes they are.

Fuck this place that has made me feel that who I am is wrong, and lesser, and subordinate-- I am worthy, and powerful, and capable.

Fuck this country, and its backwards, stagnant, repressive culture

FUCK

YOU

And that’s it. There’s my gigantic, theatrical display of radical self-acceptance. In a way, what I want to do is leave, and never come back. To delete all my social media, and start afresh. But I know that’s not realistic. I know I have to tether myself to “home”, as much as I disagree with the idea this place is truly home. I will say this, however-- there are parts of my experience here, and my life thus far, that have been wonderful. I’ve got a handful of genuinely fantastic friends, and I’ve forged some very important memories with them. To burn those bridges would be unforgivable, and I would never be able to do that to them. 

It’s 2:16am. I was already exhausted but I had to write this and get it all off my chest. But this is it-- me signing off, forever. Let this be a testament to everything I want to be, an will be, from here on out. 

-Ian.

[tamayokny]

thoughts on dark phoenix. spoilers below.

if you don’t want to read all of this, skip to the bottom where it’s all summarized?

first, i came in knowing that i would be disappointed in the film in some way but still, i was excited! the x-men are my life; my family.

anyway...

the first hour...idk lowkey the editing threw me off. it was lowkey...uh...bad. at least some parts were. i really enjoyed the last hour.

liked the x-men in space scene...and when miss jean grey absorbed the phoenix force? RIIIIIIIISE!

before i continue let me just say: i love you sophie belinda turner jonas. stay iconic; a legend and you did great with what you were given! fuck everyone who said you “ruined [x-men and game of thrones] in the same year” (yeah, i saw that in a facebook comment! lmao i HAVE to laugh at that.)

i’m glad the movie covered charles’s flaws as a teacher, if only a little bit. from experience, i know that you should not repress trauma like that because it will rise and be...a mess. so they covered that well.

i've also seen a lot of arguments over charles xavier’s character in dark phoenix and honestly? i thought it was fine. it reflected his comic counterpart more in recent years. (y’all should be happy that scott didn’t kill him in this movie! lol)

rip to mrs. smith and the rest of her dinner party (the husband was kind of a dick, though).

as much as i love jessica chastain, i really didn’t like the antagonists in this film. they provided a GREAT fight scene and conflict in the peak moments of the film, but i wish they focused on the bond between jean grey and the phoenix more, as well as how it affected the team.

AND BEFORE I FORGET: DAZZLER CAMEO DAZZLER CAMEO!! I loved it.

the confrontation between jean and her teammates outside of her father’s house was great. i liked when kurt tried to stop her and they went through the walls. OUCH when quicksilver got hurt though...i felt that.

also: remember when we all thought quicksilver was going to be one of the deaths? lmao

speaking of deaths...mystique really is dead and honestly? thank god. i hated how they’ve written her character in the past two movies. it also doesn’t help that i dislike the actress...her best movies were first class and days of future past but once they started to put her on the hero route? no thanks

i’m sad that they never explored or outright stated that mystique is kurt’s biological mother. (for the non-comic fans: kurt is the son of azazel and mystique.)

hank’s grieving and his lashing out on charles...and then he went to magneto so they could kill jean...good job nicholas 

i must ask: what was the relationship between beast/mystique? like where they romantically involved or still kind of tip toe-ing around? some scenes implied they had feelings for sure but....idk

GENOSHA, BABY! GEN-O-SHA!

jean entering this mutant haven was beautiful but magneto’s entrance? omg i lowkey wanted to laugh. magneto remains to be dramatic and i love it

i also liked the helicopter scene

okay so back with the team:

peter got hurt so you don’t see him until the very end of the film

kurt was used pretty well

ororo was underused when it came to the dialogue department. my girl barely said anything BUT: her action scenes were amazing and i’ll get to that in a minute

to the surprise of no one, while kurt remained hopeful but wary and ororo believed jean to be dangerous (which, she is and was), scott was on charles’s side and firmly believed that they could bring jean back. 

i wish the dark phoenix was able to cement the scott/jean relationship more because while i knew they were a couple, it would probably be difficult to know how serious they were. (yes, some scenes showed it but idk how impactful they were?)

okay so fast forward a bit: jean and vuk (jessica chastain) are in new york so magneto, hank, and two other mutants on their side are there to kill jean, and then the x-men show up to save/stop that from happening.

this fight scene was pretty cool...especially when magneto brought that subway car above ground and used it to enter the building jean and vuk were in...magneto, ever the dramatic king who i love

the charles/jean moment...heartfelt. like i mentioned, this covered one important aspect of the dark phoenix saga: xavier's faults. he believed he was doing the right thing and when jean saw how her (biological) father reacted to her...she understood. while i believe what charles did was fucked up and i still would have been pissed, i would have forgiven him like jean did, because he gave her hope and a chance. it was hope to help her manage her abilities, and a chance to life as a mutant because let’s face it, if she would have gone in the child services system she would have been fucked.

and then like any other x-men movie: the government got involved, subdued all the mutants (scott blasted vuk out the building, so she wasn’t captured), and they were locked and loaded on the train. jean got isolated from the rest of them.

BEFORE I CONTINUE: when scott said “i’ll fucking kill you!”...i almost started laughing. i’m sorry, but it’s the truth.

anyway on the train: vuk and the rest of the alien shapeshifters come to wreck shit up and the killed most of the guard (which caused kurt to go on a killing rampage after one of them died in front of him....okay. i was kinda impressed tbh, despite most depictions of kurt would probably not do that.)

the mutants fucked shit up! i think the 2 mutants that helped magneto were both killed though, which made me :// like really? k.

which reminds me: i wish psylocke and jubilee were in dark phoenix but the actresses had other film commitments, so i understand and forgive. also...still said about angel and his fate in apocalypse :( angel is always the most mistreated out of the original 5 lmao.

anyway that train fight scene was really good...despite barely having dialogue (:/) SHE KICKED ASS. and when erik destroyed part of the train? KIIIIIIIING!!!!!

BUT THEN JEAN UNLEASHED PHOENIX AGAIN!!! AND SHE FUCKING TOOK THAT TRAIN, PROTECTED HER FAMILY, AND DESTROYED THE REMAINING ALIENS. FUCKING QUEEN! MCU CAPTAIN MARVEL WHO???? MCU WANDA??? MCU THOR???? NO. JUST JEAN GREY BITCHES.

jean sacrificed herself...i remember reading something that said “2 confirmed x-men deaths” and i knew it was going to be mystique and jean

but honestly i was thinking “three deaths” because fuck, i thought jean was going to kill scott! like i’m disappointed how they didn’t focus on jean’s destruction on everyone and being like...evil. lmao i was really hoping but simon you played me, huh. (great marketing i guess?)

jean died but didn’t die, knowing how jean grey is lmao

they renamed the school after jean and i’ve seen people being salty about it LMAO....they renamed the school for jean in the comics (it changed back eventually...?) so stay mad

people are also mad that charles retired and fucked off to paris adfcrvhfbg

while i don’t think charles would have retired (well...that could be debatable?), i think for the end of FOX x-men, it was okay

also erik offering charles a place to stay in paris???? fucking PARIS??? THE CITY OF LOVE??????????? I’M FUCKING LOSING IT!!!!

AND THAT GAME OF CHESS BITCH!!!!!!!!!!!!

the very last shot was of the sky, where you could see the phoenix in the air......yoooooooOOOOOOOOO

okay so before i tell you all my summary, let’s talk about why dark phoenix may not have done so well, or at least part of it:

the mutants are now owned by disney, since the disney/fox merge became official (fuck). so, because of this, dark phoenix had to go through reshoots (which brought us that glorious train fight). apparently, the dark phoenix saga was going to be in three parts but because of the merge...that’s not happening. so, dark phoenix is officially the last x-men movie (unless you count new mutants that will be released on disney+, last i've heard). so, because of this, i think this last movie left a lot of fans unsatisfied because we all know that there should have been more to the story, and they had it planned out! unfortunately...disney has to fucking buy everything.

another reason: the x-men/fox superheros are not as hyped as the MCU/disney superheroes. you know this. i know this. and after a few releases from the MCU this year? the x-men didn’t stand a chance. let me also add: fuck the critics, there’s been such a disconnect between them and the audience for years. i’m not saying dark phoenix was perfect, but it’s not as horrific as people (critic and audience) have been saying.

now, the final thoughts and summary: 

i went into the theatres knowing it wasn’t going to be the best thing ever. it was average; that’s the best i can describe it. it had good moments and it had bad moments. jean grey as dark phoenix was not as antagonistic as i hoped and while i enjoy jessica chastain, I really didn’t like the villains of the film. i wish chastain was the “physical embodiment” or whatever it was of the phoenix like many speculated. dark phoenix should have focused on jean (which it did but...), her relationships with her teammates, scott, xavier (it did brush on it), and other core values of the dark phoenix saga. it would have been great to see this all play out but unfortunately, things change.

thank you, fox, for twenty years of the x-men. just like how they changed the comic book industry (they made marvel comics), the very first x-men movie is the reason why we have our many superhero films today. remember that. good luck with them MCU, and don’t you fucking dare mess them up!

let me also add a thank you to the x-men cast. with dark phoenix, they all certainly gave their best. sophie did it, and i will miss tye sheridan as cyclops. most of all, i think i will miss michael fassbender as magneto. while he may not be jewish, he certainly gave his all. he really studied magneto and i respect and admire him for that. also rip to rose byrne as moira mactaggert. where the fuck was she when the events of dark phoenix went down??

[idcyaz]

A letter to you.

I find myself “homeless” and with barely anything to my name. I came out to my dad and I’m never allowed to go back to my parents house ever again, I say parents house and not “home” because the only real home I ever felt like I had was with you. The only time I ever thought about coming out to my dad was when I was with you and I’ve not wanted to speak to anybody else about any of this except for you. I don’t know why. Maybe it’s because of the best friend I thought I’d have in you for life. Maybe it’s because when I pictured finally doing it I had you by my side every time. Having nothing and no real place of my own to go to has made me really think about all of the things I’ve ever taken for granted in my life and you come up as the number one thing every time. I don’t care that I can’t ever go back to my parents house. I think about my situation and not a single tear comes to my eyes like they should but for the past almost year every time I think of you I break down inside and out. I’d like to say this is the first time I’ve thought about things like this but it isn’t. Your absence eats away at me every day. I miss you every day. I should wake up lately and worry about myself and nothing else but I don’t. Still, you are one of the first things that comes to mind and I always hope and pray that you are truly okay. I think of you and how much I regret letting myself get so bad that I mistreated you and said/done most of the things that I did. I lost sight of a lot of things because I was still hurting so much. It’s something I’ve never stopped thinking about. You know me, I beat myself up about everything and this is something I’ve never been able to find peace with. A lot of what I said and did wasn’t right and I know within myself that I am so much better than that which is why I think I’ve struggled to find complete closure like you have. I upset and hurt the only person on this earth I’ve ever wanted to really love and protect and I’ve seriously never been able to forgive myself for losing you in every possible way. A lot of the things I said and did out of anger or hurt I never meant and wish I could go back to change or to stop myself from saying, not to keep you, but just because you deserved so much more than that and I fucked up so badly. If I hadn’t the bestfriendship we both wanted might have made it through. I’d never felt so understood or seen/heard by anybody and I didn’t know how to really deal with that in the best way. I had so much going on but you were always the light that helped get me through a lot of things. I just wanted to say that whatever happens to me and wherever I end up, I miss you and I wish you were here. I always do. Maybe one day I will finally find the closure that I’ve needed to find to move forward but it’s difficult when I know that I want my best friend here with me through everything. I still hope I get the chance one day to be good for you instead of being seen as this toxic demon that needs to disappear out of your life. Through everything, the good and the bad, I have never wished for someone’s happiness and inner peace more than I have for you and that’ll never change. The raw inner you I was so lucky to have access to even for a short period of time, truly deserves nothing less but the world. The fire within you that can’t be tamed yet sometimes burns so intensely that it swallows you whole is what makes you, you. Your emotions/feelings run so deep that nobody really knows what to do with it all. Don’t ever lose that part of you. It’s what makes you shine brighter than everybody in a room full of people who are all just the same. I’m sorry that I ever contributed to your suffering and pain when all I wanted to do was help and take it away. I lost myself in the process and also lost you too. I hope you reach out one day. Although I’m too proud to admit it to anybody else, there is a part of me that will always be waiting for you to come back.

[docholligay]

What Grows Is What We Water

I wrote this little rambling Mother's Day Ficlet, and I hope you like it!  AU of Mystery and Shadow. I meant to release this from Patreon for Haruka’s birthday and Did A Forget. 

Michiru Kaioh was, most other things aside, a woman who saw the world for what it was, and even as time and age and the gentle warmth of her new life had softened her, she would never reach the heights of sentimentality that she saw in others. Her love for her wife and her children and Rei and even for Minako, now, were things that fell into the bounds of understanding for her. She loved her children because they made something new in her, and made her better. She loved Haruka because she was loving and kind and good. She loved Rei because she was challenging and loyal and good to her children.

She loved Mina because life was complicated, Michiru was complicated, Mina was complicated, and in some ways only they could ever really see each other.

But she understood all these things. She understood how she was linked to her own mother, as complex as it all was. She understood how the line between helping and hurting could be blurred when you wanted something for your child so badly, and in truth, their relationship had been improved by Michiru saying no, and walking out with Haruka.

Another gift her daughters had given her.

But what greatly confused Michiru was a thought, that was really a compilation of several facts:

Haruka’s mother had been an abusively neglectful drug addict who had caused a fair share of Haruka’s problems, by Michiru’s measure.

Haruka had not spoken to her mother in many years. Haruka believed Michiru thought it was since their wedding day, Michiru knew better, but did not say so, gifting Haruka the lie. Certainly not since the children had been born, though, that was true.

Haruka’s mother had died some months earlier, the immensity of her vices finally catching up to her.

Haruka hated her mother.

Haruka was crushed that her mother was gone.

It all made for a very interesting cup of Mother’s Day morning tea, as she sat in the early morning sun of the downstairs dining room, the demitasse spoon with the small rose on it balanced on the edge of the saucer like Michiru’s own responses.

Rei had been little help. If Michiru struggled to understand missing someone who only mistreated you, Rei was a complete wall to the very concept.

“Fuck her,” Rei shook her head, nearly knocking over and then catching her glass of wine with the grace Rei credited to what was left of her Sight, though Michiru thought it rather likely it was simply familiarity with how she lived her life now, “she was never anything but a drugged up piece of shit.”

“Yes, well, I think you will find I cannot give that particular counsel.” Michiru took a sip of the fume blanc.

Rei shrugged confidently. “I can.”

“Yes, of course you can, Rei, and just as easily be ignored and argued with,” Michiru swirled the wine in the glass, an act she knew lent nothing to this wine but something for her to do idly with her hand as she thought, “It is much more complicated with someone like Haruka. Those few moments her mother was kind meant a great deal to her.”

“I wouldn’t miss my father. I wish he were dead right now.”

“Ever the cool-headed one.” She set down the wine without taking another sip. “Rei, you and  I are somewhat more conventional in many ways and life has been kind to us. I do not know that either of us ever wanted for adoration, and I know neither of us wanted for a meal or a warm bed, your father’s general level of odiousness aside, he assured you were cared for.”

Rei sat back, somewhat chastened by the realization that she tended to apply her own facets to other people’s stones.

Michiru looked up at her. “I think the trouble is that her mother now can never be anything what she was. The loss of a possibility, as it were. Trapped in amber, as we all will be when we die.”

She’d remembered to drop Rei a card for Mother’s Day, the way she had for years, commemorating that the day was not without complication for her, but it seemed wrong to do the same for Haruka. Risa trapped in amber was a jewel, something polished with a maybe misremembered perfection that only death can bring.

Haruka did not have that gift with her mother.

“You’re supposed to let me bring you breakfast in bed,” Haruka’s voice broke through her thoughts, “You’re making me look bad.” She gave a smile as she coasted over to Michiru.

“I believe you will find we have reservations to brunch.” She placed her hand on Haruka’s. “I only have my own cup of tea as I have yet to find the rare restaurant who can make it properly.”

Haruka nodded, leaning forward on the table with her elbows. “Happy Mother’s Day.”

Half-honesties and riddles were lovely, her own form of verbal art, emotions carved into the air with evanescent smoke, disappearing as they came, leaving the only scent of what she had meant in the air, but time and life had made her sometimes simply want to tell the truth, and this was never more true than when she was dealing with Haruka’s feelings.

And so it was on Mother’s Day.

“We don’t have to go anywhere, Haruka. I am more than happy to beg off brunch for you, and nobody need know the reason why.”

Haruka laughed. “Yeah, Rei’ll love that.”

“Oh, I am more than capable of dealing with Rei Hino, Haruka.” She smirked at Haruka in mock offense.

“The girls--”

“Are 2 and 5, not having to sit at a table for an hour and a half while we drink mimosas and gossip will only be a blessing.”

Haruka shook her head, tearing up. “I want to take you.”

“Haruka,” Michiru sighed, “There’s no need--”

“You’re the first person who ever took care of me.” It was soft, and small, as if she barely wanted to say it herself, and Michiru stopped. “I’ve been thinking a lot, and talking about it, you know, in--since Mom died. I mean--I had my grandma, for awhile, but since then…”

Michiru took Haruka’s hand into hers, wanting to say everything, that she adored caring for Haruka, that Haruka had taught her what caring was, that she was a deeper, richer person for Haruka’s love, that Haruka was a miracle worker herself. She wanted to slather a soothing balm over every hurt her mother had caused her, over every glance in a bathroom that had made her feel she wasn’t right, over every sharp word that had added another layer to Haruka’s armor, something that would make Haruka not look so vulnerable in her sleep-tossed hair and t-shirt in their dining room.

But she did not fix. She listened.

“You were the first one who thought I needed help.” Haruka slipped her hands out of and around Michiru’s, unable to look at her, the rough calluses of her palms silk on Michiru’s hands, “I have lots of people now, but...you tried when it was hard. My mom made it hard. Made me hard.”

Michiru gently touched Haruka’s chin and drew her eyes upward.

“There was never anything in the world wrong with you. There is nothing in the world wrong with you.”

“Yeah,” Haruka nodded, “I know. Thanks for taking care of me, you know, so, that’s all...” she laughed, “I’d say Happy Mother’s Day from me, for me, but, that’s,” she laughed again, ruffling her hair, “a little weirder than I want to get. So thanks from the kids.”

Michiru giggled, looking at Haruka as she gave a contented sigh, the small storm seeming to pass from her eyes the way they did now, no longer staying for days and weeks, their world so much sunnier. “Noted.”

“So since I’m struggling, does that mean I get to go to the dessert table as much as I want?”

“Yes, I’m certain your therapist gave you a note saying that was key to your emotional stability.”

“I heard a yes.”

Their laughter carried upstairs, where the sun peeked through clouds into M.A. and Kimi’s rooms, filling them with bubbles of light, celebratory as any champagne glass.

[lukescaboose]

Forgetting You

It’s currently 3:30 am here in New York and I’ve been up writing this angsty Luke fic because we all know I love nothing more. And yes this is the part two to Don’t touch me if you don’t want me. I bet you could totally guess what songs I used as inspo for this. But overall I hope you enjoy this and are satisfied. 

Warnings: angst

Wordcount: 4785

It’d been six months. Six long stressful months filled with heartbreak, stress, and anything but peace. It felt like forever. Forever since I felt like a had my sanity. Lately I had been feeling like I was completely losing my mind. And Luke was to blame. He didn’t believe me when I said I wouldn’t come back to him. I meant it with everything I had in me. I knew my worth and I knew that sometimes love wasn’t enough. I refused to be a pawn in his game.

Of course it’s been hard. Ignoring his texts and emails and phone calls was the hardest part. Every time I saw his name somewhere I wanted to pick up the phone to call him and let him know that I was alright. I wanted to be with him, so fucking badly, but I refused to be used. I didn’t like how he made me feel disposable, like I was so completely worthless to him. He was my everything, whether he knew it or not. The time that I spent with him, I spent loving him. There was never a moment I doubted my love for him. Many times I thought he would be the one I would marry. But, he broke me too easily and I never wanted to feel that again. He did something I thought he’d never do. I never wanted him to think that I was any less important than his work. He made a commitment to me, and if he wasn’t willing to compromise that was his choice. He’d made the choice and I stepped out of the way, making it easier for him. He failed to treat me like a human being. I was nothing more than an accessory to him. 

It took me a while to come to terms with that, that part of my life was over. I didn’t have a partner anymore. There was no one I was willing to share this life with. After crashing at my sisters for a while and then gathering myself up and renting an apartment, I felt ready to move on. I rid him from my life piece by piece in stages. First was the crying, the long nights of screaming and wondering how he could do this to me. Next was the ignorance. Pretending it had never happened, not looking at pictures and ignoring songs that made me think of him. I was void of any feeling at this time, a hollow remainder of what was left of me after Luke. I had finally recognized that half of me was missing and it was showing. I felt as if I couldn’t function. I wanted so hard to crawl back to him just to fill the hole that he had wrecked. But, I stayed strong and reminded myself why I needed to go. Love wasn’t enough. Lastly, after coming to terms with the situation in its entirety, I let myself enjoy the things that made me think of Luke. I wanted to remember the relationship for the good that it was and not the shitty way it had ended. So I listened to the music, and I viewed the photos. And through empty tears I went back to our old house and packed away my things. 

Entering our bedroom had been the hardest part. The bed was made on my side only, as if I had never left. His side was messy because he could never make the bed on his own and the sight had made me smile, he hadn’t changed. In the kitchen things were messy so I cleaned them up, I felt it was the least I could do. It would be selfish of me to believe that Luke wasn’t hurting too, but I knew that this would be better for both of us. He needed to figure things out with his career and I needed my space to just be me. And he needed to just be him. As I put away the dishes, I recognized my favorite mug in the same spot I had left it. My thumb swiped over the cool porcelain of the stained rim. My favorite lipstick I wore everyday faded on the white paint. A sigh left my lips and my brain went to the first place it always had whenever I saw something that reminded me of us. I began to wonder what things could’ve been like. I wondered if I had fought hard enough, if I was just overreacting. Ultimately, I blamed the failed relationship on young love. The time we spent together may have been too much. Maybe this was inevitable. If it were meant to be maybe we would find our way back to each other. 

When I wasn’t selfishly absorbed with my own pain and suffering, I thought about his. I wondered if he were okay, if he was confiding in anyone else. I wanted his happiness and nothing else. Everyone deserves to be happy. Even if I wasn’t, I hoped that he could be. I hoped that he could find happiness in his music and that he would surround himself with friends that cared about him. I knew he had a habit of bottling things inside so I hoped that he wouldn’t do that. I hoped that he would talk to someone and not let it eat him alive. But sometimes, sometimes my sadistic mind chose to believe that he wasn’t unhappy at all. That this was what he wanted, even though I knew it wasn’t true. I always answered his phone calls at least once during the week, sometimes more, just to talk. He always said that he was miserable, the worst he’d ever felt and was so completely sorry and I believed him. I believed that he was sorry, but I also believed that there was truth in the words that he spoke that day. In the words that he spoke that entire week. The memory of mistreatment outweighed my selfish need for toxic love and it was enough to keep me away from him. He knew exactly how I felt about us, I was never one to string someone along. It was just last week that I had convinced him that this was what would be best for us. Luke understood where I was coming from, I’d always been the better one at communicating. I expressed my wish for him to be happy, which only led to him screaming and crying and more heartbreak, so I never brought that up again. I would just let him talk because I knew he needed it. I knew in the back of my mind that he wasn’t talking to anyone else. But, it wasn’t healthy. So as time went on the phone calls happened less and less. We needed this. We needed to seek suffrage in other things, in other people.

But, today was six months since. I was feeling extremely down today, as if the world around me was caving in. All day I had felt this crushing on my chest that I couldn’t explain. I needed to talk to him so badly. I knew he would be the only one who could ease the suffering in my heart. And that was exactly the problem. The suffering was him. His lingering atmosphere that had resonated itself within me. For some reason I couldn’t shake the piece of me that was him. Although it was small now, it was still there and gnawing. I needed it to be gone but the temporary relief was sometimes so much better. All day I paced around the phone, my thumb scrolling over his number which was no longer saved in my phone. I searched for it in my call log, I typed it out by heart, but I never let it ring. I knew this was bad. I knew I should just wait it out. This too would pass. But the more this feeling sat on my chest the more I thought about ringing him.

He was on tour now, the shows starting in Europe and going on from there. I knew how this worked. He was going to be gone for a while. So, instead of calling him, I masochistically drove the old road towards the house I knew he was still living in. I unlocked the door with a sigh, slightly relieved that nothing had changed. I knew it was kind of sick for me to keep coming here. It was messed up of me to invade his space, to leave traces of myself when I knew exactly how hard it was to forget. But this was solace to me. I couldn’t help myself as selfish as it was. I didn’t go into the bedroom this time, I stayed in the front lasting all of five minutes before I ran out in a hurry. I felt like such a monster. I was rewarding myself with the allowances to revisit things of my past while he got nothing. Luke had to forget and move on by himself and here I was, entering his home, looking at his things and reassuring myself that he was still hurting. I sat in the driveway of our old house, my head in my hands. The tears spilled over and I let them. I should’ve fought more, I thought. I should’ve gave him another chance. I shouldn’t have let this slip away that easy. Love like that doesn’t happen always. And as much as I had believed that I was fixing myself, I was really ruining Luke. I was the real asshole here. I allowed him to talk to me on my okay. I used his confessions as measurements of my own progress. He spoke to me in solitude and I spoke to him in reassurance. I loved him. I still love him. But all of this was so hard. I wanted to live on, I wanted to be happy. But at the same time, I wanted to tell Luke that I loved him and I knew that’s what he wanted to hear.

 It was late when I got home again, my apartment was dark. I hadn’t anticipated to be gone for so long, so I didn’t leave on any lights. I sighed in exhaustion as I sat on the couch in the dark, my head full with thought of Luke. I checked and rechecked the time, each time counting the hours to see what time it was where he was. I felt as if I were starting from square one. All the progress I had made felt minuscule now as I dialed and redialed his number. I contemplated calling over and over again, knowing how good it would feel to hear his voice. After an hour I gave in. He was active on social media and I needed this. This, as always, was for me. I would succumb just this once. The phone rang and rang, and, for a minute, I thought he would just let it go. But when the line clicked and he muttered a ‘hello’ I let out a breath I hadn’t known I was holding.

 “Hi.” I breathed into the line. My voice was a mere whisper and I wondered if I should repeat myself in case he hadn’t heard. But he did, his voice came through the line hoarse. “You never call first. Are you okay?” I held my hand over my mouth to muffle my heavy breathing. I felt like a complete and utter prick. Here he was not letting himself forget all the things about me and I was using him to get over him. I knew Luke, like the back of my hand. He was making no efforts to forget me. “I-I’m fine. I’m sorry I shouldn’t have called. T-This was selfish of me.” I ended the call despite his pleas and didn’t answer when he called back.

 I hadn’t contacted him since. No more petty phone calls, no more late night messaging. I was actively moving on. I didn’t even reminisce anymore. I didn’t avoid the memories, but I didn’t purposefully indulge in them either. When I saw something it hurt less and I would move on quickly. The sadness would fade with time. With Luke on tour things were easy. I didn’t have to worry about seeing him anywhere. I did shed a tear collecting my things from his house and I threw my key far off a bridge in a fit of senseless rage. I spent most of my time with my family and focusing on my own career. My sister, Mara, was pregnant again so we spent a lot of time with that. Redecorating the nursery for the boy she was soon to have. There were parties and dinners that I attended on my own now. I rekindled some flames with old friends, the inevitable question of Luke became easier to answer as time went on. Life was simple, and for once I was genuinely happy. I wasn’t dating, but I’d been out for drink a few times, nothing commitment worthy. I still wondered if Luke was okay and if he was doing well. Every once in a while he’d send a text, knowing I wouldn’t answer his calls. They were often updates on how the tour was going, and how he still wanted me to be included in his life. But, I knew I wasn’t ready for that. I couldn’t be platonic with Luke and I knew he couldn’t be platonic with me. 

I was going out tonight with a group of friends to a bar further out in the city. We had arranged some hotels close by, and I was honestly excited for the evening. As I prepared for the evening I grew more excited. It would be a new bar with new people. I’d moved back in with my sister, Mara, and her husband, Jason. This pregnancy hadn’t been easy for her, and Jason was working more hours to build up their savings so he could take some time off when the baby came. So I decided to come back to help with the twins so she could rest more. My work schedule was flexible, so lately I’d been in charge of picking up the girls from school. I honestly didn’t mind helping out Mara, it kept my mind off of things. I was hoping I could have some fun tonight. That for once I would be able to just let go and be free. I wanted to get drunk and go to sleep in some nice hotel, in a place I’d never been before. I did my makeup really nice and packed a small bag. My friend, Lindsay, would be the designated driver for the night. She was the life of the party sober or not and I completely trusted her to stay sober and potentially keep an eye on me. I was dealing with heartbreak and alcohol had been my go to lately. Whenever we went out I was the first one hammered and the last one home. Lindsay was full aware of what to expect and had even taunted me about through text. 

When we arrived at the bar her taunting hadn’t ceased. I rolled my eyes at her lovingly, heading straight for the counter when we got inside. The bar was more like a club, people flooded the dance floor, dancing to the steady thump of the music. My hips swayed unbeknownst to me as I order my usually martini. Lindsay rolled her eyes at me, watching the door for the rest of our group. There were five of us in total, including myself. Lindsay, Brett, Nina, and Tom being my friends. I was always the odd one out being single and all. This was me and Luke’s old group of friends that I kind of abandoned after we broke up. I can admit now that I was a bit embarrassed and too jealous to hang out with them while I was single. But after some months of self rehabilitation, they welcomed me back with open arms and all conversation of Luke was void after a while. Conversation was always good, there was never a need for his mentioning. But when someone would tell an old story about the group, a sad smile would cover my features. It became easier and soon I was telling the stories myself. 

After and hour or so, I was on my way to drunk. I danced with my friends on the dance floor, they never left me out and I was grateful. I danced with strangers, girls and guys alike. I was genuinely having fun, the smile on my face real. The alcohol fueled me as my hips took the lead over me, my feet moving with the beat of the music. I hadn’t noticed everyone leaving for another round of drinks at the bar. I was too entranced with the music and my current dance partner as my hair framed around my face and my head swung back and forth. My hands were in the air, one in my hair as I swayed to the beat. The guy I was dancing with didn’t seem to mind my lack of interest in him. I was too focused on making sure I was having a good time to reciprocate any type of flirting. His hands held my hips lightly and he seemed more than content with just dancing. I looked around for Lindsay and she shot me a smile from the emptying bar. She was cuddled in Tom’s arms as he sipped on his beer. I liked how they didn’t feel the need to hide their relationships from me. At first they did. No one touched or cuddled in front of me. Any conversation turned romantic would stop immediately if I were even if listening distance. It took awhile and a lot of reassuring to convince them that I was fine, or would be fine. I was grateful that they were making sure if it. I didn’t feel the jealous twang I usually felt. I couldn’t decide if it were the alcohol or if I were genuinely moving on. But as I turned back around when I couldn’t feel my dance partner’s hands anymore, I knew it was the alcohol.

He stood there, hands in his pockets. His favorite leather jacket seemed to fit so perfectly over his shoulders, and I almost laughed at how insane this was. I almost didn’t believe what I was seeing until I felt Nina’s hand on my shoulder and her whispering into my ear, asking if I wanted to leave. He hadn’t said anything so I was finding it hard to believe that she was seeing what I saw. His silhouette was glowing behind the purple-blue lighting of the nightclub. His expression was solemn, pleading even, and my smile faded when I fully realized that this was real. This was happening. And he was here. I stumbled back in my heels and he reached out to grab my wrist. Nina’s hand was at my waist in an instant, her eyes worry filled. I stepped out of her hold, knowing that I would have to deal with this. I couldn’t run from him forever, as much as I would love to. He’d been so far out of my mind that I had forgotten this was the weekend that he was performing here. And as I looked across the bar I could see Calum and Ashton’s figures. My heart began to ache when I made eye contact with them. Their smiles were soft and apologetic and I hadn’t realized how much I’d missed them until that moment. My head was dizzy with a thousand thoughts as my brain focused in on Luke’s touch on my wrist. I pulled away, ignoring the way his face fell. He should’ve expected me to act this way. This wasn’t on my list of things to do tonight. 

“What’re you doing here?” He asked after I assured Nina that it was okay. I could see her giving Luke a look that I could only place as longing. And for some reason it had never dawned on me that my group of friends might miss Luke too. We had done so much damage to those around us and ourselves and we hadn’t even realized. 

“I’m just out.” I shrugged. Luke sighed, grabbing my wrist in his strong hold and leading me off the dance floor. I let him without reluctance. The alcohol in my system was submitting to him, but it wouldn’t be enough for my forgiveness. “We played near here tonight.” He played with his fingers as he talked, a nervous habit of his. I nodded, my arms coming up to cross over my chest. “God,” He muttered. He ran his hand over his face frustratedly, as if he were struggling with what to say. There was so much I wanted to say, but my mouth was mute and my brain was fried. I was void of any coherent thought in the moment, and as my eyes just stared at his features, I prayed that he would come up with anything just to keep the conversation going. He looked more handsome than I remembered. His nails were painted red and his hair was much longer. He had the same stubble across his jaw that I wanted to scratch my fingers over. “Look, I know you’ve moved on, but I,” His breath became shaky before he could even start and I knew this had been extremely hard for him. Instinctively, my hand rose up to cup his cheek as he bit his lip and his eyes shone. His eyes snapped back to mine at my touch and I pulled my hand away, curling it into a fist as a blush crept up my neck.

 “I’m sorry. I just,” I began to apologize but he stopped me, his words coming out in his usual nervous hurry. “It’s okay. I missed you.” He blurts the words out before he can catch them and even in the darkness, I can see the red brightening in his cheeks. We stood there both blushing like a couple of teenagers doing this for the first time. Although, this did feel like a first. This was the first time I was seeing him in almost a year. Everything felt different, everything we were holding on to was now here in front of us and we were completely at a loss for words. The drunken part of me wanted to take him back to my hotel and show him everything he had missed, make him regret ever leaving me. But even drunk me knew that wasn’t a good idea. 

Luke takes a deep breath, squaring his shoulders off before he speaks again, “I am in love with you. I have never stopped loving you for a second, even though you think that. And I know here may not be the most appropriate place to tell you, but I don’t know when or if I’ll ever see you again, and I need you to know. I cannot live another second knowing that you believe that I stopped loving you, that I didn’t want you. I took your love for granted, Y/N, and for that I am so incredibly sorry.” He wipes at the corner of his eye as he becomes the most vulnerable I’ve ever seen him. I’m at a loss for words at his confession. It’s everything I’ve wanted him to say for the past year and yet it still doesn’t feel like enough. Part of me wants to just forget that anything ever happened, but more of me was proud of what I had accomplished without him. I couldn’t decide if love were enough yet again. My pride wouldn’t let me give in that easy. 

“Luke, I don’t want you to be miserable without me. Look at everything you’ve got going on. You’re doing great, you don’t need me.” I assure, my hands gesturing between us. His eyebrows furrow in a way I’ve seen too many times before. “None of it means anything if I can’t share it with you.” He responds, stepping closer. I take a half step back, not wanting the space between us to be too much. I can feel the tears filling in my eyes as I shake my head. “I can’t love you anymore, Luke.” My hands bunch at my sides, my body racking with nerves.

 “Y/N, what are you so afraid of? Why won’t you just love me? I’m standing in the middle of a nightclub fucking crying, and all I want is for you to love me.” He pulls me to him then and I let him, knowing there’s no place I’d rather be. His chest presses to mine and the familiarity of it sends a rush of bottled up emotions through me. I rest my head on his chest in utter defeat. All of this was exhausting. I didn’t want to argue, I didn’t want to avoid him. I just wanted to dance and get drunk with my friends. He holds me to him, his chin resting on top of my head and I feel at home. I wondered if anything else in life could feel this good. I wondered if I could feel this way for anyone else. “I regret every moment I spent away from you. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about all the terrible shit I put you through. I’m sorry, baby.” His apology is like the healing I’d been searching for. His words seem to fill the empty void in my heart and I feel whole again. “I cannot exist without you and I should’ve realized that sooner. I made such a stupid mistake and I would do anything to change it.” His mouth moves softly over my ear, saying words only I can hear. I want to do nothing more than to shush, hold him in my arms and promise that everything will be fine. I’m stood there in silence and his hands hold me tighter, in fear that I might slip away. 

It felt so easy to run back to him and forget. Too easy that I didn’t know if that was what I wanted. Of course I knew that’s what I wanted but, I didn’t know if it was what was best for me. I needed stability and that wasn’t promised with Luke. I could tell that he had changed, but I wasn’t convinced if I were in the right position at this moment in time to make such a decision. My heart wanted him with everything in me and there was no doubt about that. I wanted him in my arms to hold. I wanted to wait for him at home when he went on tour. I wanted to go to his shows and feel his energy from the stage. I wanted him and everything that came with his love. My hands rested on his chest to reassure him that I was listening and he was being heard. He bravely placed a kiss to the shell of my ear. The same old shiver ran down my spine but this time renewed. This was my life. This was my worst heartache and yet my favorite love all in one. 

“How long are you here for?” I asked, a hint of a smile in my tone. He immediately caught my shift in energy like I knew he would and I was secretly happy that we were still in tune. “Flight leaves on Tuesday.” He breathes the same way he always did when discussing his work schedule. I nod and pull away from his touch. He’s quick to pull me back to his chest, not wanting to let me go. “We’ll talk when I’m sober.” I hum when he buries his face in my neck. I’m falling harder than I did the first time, and although it should worry me, it doesn’t. He chuckles against my skin, pulling away to look me in the eyes. His blue eyes mesmerize me in the same way they always have, my knees quaking. “I love you.” Luke says. He pulls his lip in between his teeth. “I hope so.” I sigh, stepping back from his touch. I’m leaving the bar soon enough with Lindsay badgering me with a thousand questions and I can’t wipe the stupid grin off my face. For once I was letting myself give someone a second chance. This has been the greatest love I’ve ever known, and for that I was willing to risk it all. 

Thanks for reading!

6.18.18 x

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