#not sure if it’s the new meds i just started but i am craving Everything today what the hell
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bunnybisexual · 5 months ago
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hi besties what are ur fav ingredients to use in cooking….. i wanna use more delicious things in the food i make
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whillywisp · 10 months ago
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Seeing a lot of talks about finnick as a dad/doting husband during pregnancy on the fyp and I must contribute to the conversation 🌱 (warnings: it's long and so fluffy you're gonna die). Part 1.
Part 2 ☁︎
The thing about Finnick is that he has a lot of love to give to anyone who would take it. His heart is overflowing with it, shining cerulean with it. So of course fatherhood came to him as easily as breathing—
Wrong. Have you seen that walking talking ball of anxiety, love and autism?
The day you tell him you're pregnant he passes the fuck out. On the floor. And when he wakes up he cries for an hour straight, thanking you enough times with kisses pressed into every inch of your skin he could reach that the words don't even sound like English anymore. He's so grateful, so fucking grateful and terrified but above all, completely and irrevocably in love with you.
Throughout the pregnancy, he's as paranoid as it gets to the point you have to beg him to please leave you alone and no, Finnick the baby won't be hurt if i eat too fast please breathe and let me breathe but it's all from a place of love. He's lost too much, almost everything in his life. The few people he could still keep were precious to him and he was not going to let any of them forget that least of all his babies. Or baby.
Finnick talks to the baby a lot. Asking the most bizarre question to your bump as if he actually expected a tiny, baby's voice to answer him. He was constantly on about something new and his favourite topic to talk about was whatever his new hyperfixation was and you just nodded and smiled because of course the baby wants to know how to do an alpine stitch! But it was so endearing and relieving to see him finally be happy, finally find a purpose, even if it was to just talk nonstop to your belly. He deserves this, these little pockets of happiness.
And one of his greatest happiness was taking care of you. Circling back to the fact that he starts hyperventilating when his lover so much as sneezes too hard, the hellscape that was pregnancy scared him. No, fuck it, it terrified him. So he did what he always did and loved to do and banned you from anything and everything that needed physical exertion. Chores of any kind were out of order. You were on a healthy diet of four meals a day and of course they included all your cravings that he always presented to you no questions asked thank you very much and you had to take naps, multiple of them, all with his presence as a requirement (you were sure those were just an excuse to cuddle you but you would rather take up another round of hunger games than call him out on it). He attended every appointment, had an alarm set for all the prenatal meds, and always a kiss for the belly and your lips just so you knew that this was it for him. You and your baby were the very centre of his universe and this was him orbiting you both. And you couldn't help but be grateful that you had him to love and cherish just as he did you.
And your favourite way of telling him you loved him was letting him take control over the one thing you knew he loved: baby shopping. With all due respect, this is the type of guy who bought baby shoes when he was eighteen with no baby in sight because look at how tiny this is it's so cute *big sparkly green eyes.* But it's particularly endearing watching him waltz around the store, arms full of onesies and plushies and you kind of just stand there, unable to do anything because what the fuck were you supposed to do at nine months pregnant and married to a man who you *checks notes* gifted a day where he could buy anything he wanted as a birthday present?
I promise you the answer was not 'go into an early labour the second he dumped the shopping bags in the living room' but who am I to say anything?
The baby coming two whole weeks early did not sit well with his anxiety. He was a mess, a complete and utter mess but he was also the most precious angel on this planet so seeing him holding back tears of fear so he could be there for you and hold you tight, so tight, because he was scared he would lose you broke your heart too. While the pain of the labour was bad, knowing he was close, holding you tight as he pressed gentle kisses everywhere, to cater to everything you needed, was enough to realise, he was the one. And you were going to fight through hell for him.
Such a wretched thing, love, you thought to yourself as you felt him shake beside you through the pain and haze, to ask you to hope against hope that the strain on your strength and your fading string of fate would persevere despite it all.
But you did. You survived and so did your precious little baby girl, and so did the last pieces of Finnick's soul, despite it all.
The first time he holds his tiny, tiny baby in his arms, something in his brain just clicks (or maybe his frontal lobe was finally fully developed because of course his baby picked the day before his birthday to make her own entry on planet earth) but whatever it was, it was perfect. His entire world narrowed down to the squirming little angel in his arms and he couldn't help but feel his heart leave his chest for the second time in his life to become hers. She fit right into the crook of his arms, the space in his neck. She fit into his life like another piece of puzzle that he never knew he was look for.
She was his little angel, his little girl. The person he never knew he fought through whole wars for but now, holding her against his chest as he watched you both sleep, he knew this is what he was meant to do. To love, to love, to love. For the sake of it. Simply because he could. Simply because he was alive and it was good enough reason to love with his entire being.
Part 1 because I don't exactly know if you people will like it enough to want more.
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dorkass-nerd · 6 months ago
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Fuck it, maybe I'll just make this post, see if I can find anyone in the same boat or maybe I'm just screaming this into the void. I hope to everything that this doesn't end up in the wrong places so maybe I'll try and be somewhat vague but I might also just end up rambling an absolute tonne.
I've recently been really sick, pretty standard for someone with a chronic illness but this is a whole new problem that I'm just having to deal with now, I've been on antibiotics and other meds about six ish times and I've treated something like 6 or 7 infections of various types in just this year alone. Not looking for advice, this is just important background.
And around about the second time I came away with a prescription for antibiotics from my doctor I just so badly wanted to cry. I wanted to scream. I wanted nothing more than to just scream until my voice was raw. But it felt like, no matter how loud I screamed, that no one on this earth would actually hear me or feel me. No power on this earth would be able to actually give me comfort. In that moment, all I wanted, was the comfort of some kind of God.
Now I grew up raised as a Christian, going to church most weeks, got confirmed and everything. But a series of unfortunate events just made me completely lose my faith. I couldn't be a part of a community where I, a queer, did not feel welcome.
I considered going to one of the churches that was local to me, but 1) the door wasn't open and I wasn't sure enough to seek out the key and 2) part of me felt like a Christian church just wasn't enough. It felt like the Christian God just wasn't..... enough?
I simply just, went home and pondered. Thinking. Wondering what I could do to seek the comfort I so badly craved.
And I just
Kept thinking about it
I started wondering about other Gods, other religions. And landed on Judaism. My fiancee is Jewish and I see how she celebrates, I see how close her and her community are, I see how welcoming everything seems to be. And it feels.... more like home than I've ever felt with my Christian circles when I was in those.
Another thing I was coming to realise was how natural it felt covering my head. I started wearing just some cheap ass snoods because my hair is in a funny growth period and I was using the snood to encourage my hair to grow up and into the rest of my longer hair. But it started to feel so natural. I definitely don't need to be wearing it now because my hair is at a point where it doesn't need the encouragement to grow where I want it to grow but something about it feels so....
natural?
I don't leave the house without it, it's the first thing I put on in the morning when I wake up. I know Jewish women typically only cover their hair when they get married. But I am neither Jewish, nor a woman. So something about it still feels a little..... cultural appropriation-ish. That's not my aim in any way but wearing something that covers my head just feels so natural now. I don't know if I would feel as confident as I do going out without my head covered as I do with my head covered.
And recently I thought, just for me myself an I in the comfort of my own room, I'd find a nice scarf and try to style that in some way. the one I picked was a little thin but knowing how much I overheat in the summer months it was ok. But there's still just that part of me that feels like it's appropriating a culture. I don't want to go outside like this and get looks from people because I'm just Generic White Dude No.3 wearing a headscarf that they think I shouldn't be wearing. So i just left it sat on some stuff in my room, conflicted in my emotions. Until eventually one day i felt ok enough to just try it out. And I felt. A mix of emotions. I felt more confident. I felt pretty. And it all felt so natural. I wore it out for a walk to the shops with my mom, low stakes environment, people we too busy in my village with the event happening that day anyway so everyone is either too drunk to notice or too looking up at the sky at cool planes to notice. I worried about seeing people I knew. But no one said anything, I didn't get any dirty looks, and I was safe back in my room once again, wearing the normal snood I always wear.
And again, I dwelled on these thoughts and feelings. Why did that feel so natural, why did that feel so ok, why did I feel so confident in myself like that. Swimming with thoughts of trying to figure out what I was feeling.
I felt like it was a place that I didn't belong. I felt like I would be intruding on a space that I had no place being in. I can make this choice which is what me feel invalid. I could choose not to be discriminated against. I could choose not to have abuse thrown at me. This isn't like being queer, that isn't a choice, but this IS a choice. I didn't choose the discrimination I face because I'm queer but I can choose not to face discrimination for being in a minority religion like this.
I finally felt confident enough to tell my fiancee about this. And she was nothing but supportive, provided me with some helpful information, sharing in my feelings, validating my thoughts and understanding where I was coming from. She suggested I talk to a Rabbi if this is something I wanted to pursue for some more guidance. It felt like the first hurdle, finally spilling everything that had been on my mind. And it felt good.
I told myself I would light a candle for Shabbat this week, and all the time leading up to Friday I went back and forth over it, is it right for me to just do that? Am I allowed to just do that? Is there a right and wrong way to do it? Would people be mad at me for doing that?
But just in the safety of my own room with no one around it felt safe enough to do. I realised after the fact that I was a little late but that context comes later. But lighting the candle felt nice. It felt like a small comfort in the darkness of the evening. Seeing it out of the corner of my eye all evening felt nice, like something was there.
The following morning, I told my fiancee that I did that the previous night, and I could just see her smile beaming back at me. It was nice. And I ended up with her learning something new because she told me to light two candles next time and I asked why and she went down a little rabbit hole reading about why you should light two candles. So. Positive experience all round. Talking with her about all of this made me feel so sure that talking about this was the right thing, made me feel more sure of my path and if this is something I DO want to pursue.
She told me about some resources that she uses for Shabbat times, apps, the website chabad dot org. Which I proceeded to puruse when she'd gone to bed. I downloaded the Shabbat times app too. Reading through some of the resources on the chabad website made me start feeling a little emotional. Made my emotions feel valid. "People actually do feel this way too, it isn't just me!" I just kept opening different tabs, reading different articles, learning new words.
Then last night I somehow got to thinking about my last ex fiancee. And something, a voice, a feeling in the back of my head told me it's ok to let her go. It's been well over a year since we broke up and I still think about her with pain in my heart, wishing it had all gone differently. And then suddenly that pain was just. Not there anymore. It was ok to let her go. It was ok to let go of the grief, the grudge, the pain, the longing, the wishing things had gone differently. And it was suddenly just gone.
Which, again, made me feel many other, far more complex emotions. Trying desperately to explain where that came from. I like to have answers and explanations to things but I just couldn't find one. Telling my fiancee about it this morning and she's just beaming back at me again as I tried desperately to find the words to explain what happened but mostly failing. She got the important parts I think.
Now I'm just stuck thinking to myself
Was that God Himself? This came right after I embraced a Jewish tradition of lighting a candle for Shabbat. It has to just be a coincidence right? But it can't be, I've never gotten over something like that so suddenly like that. I still grieve relatives who've been dead 6 years, hell even 20+ years. This came from somewhere that wasn't me, that's the only reasonable answer right?
I'm sure this will just get lost in the tide of tumblr, I know I don't have many followers and I don't expect any of you to actually read this all the way through, this is more just me writing this down somewhere, document it. But if you have made it this far, thank you for reading all of this. Be gentle, but comments and opinions are welcome as long as you're not mean and asshole-y
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lifeasacautiousoptimist · 3 months ago
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a moment to recalibrate
i just got told i'm quick to judge. absolutely worst feeling of my life, since I had always been perceived as someone grounded and non-judgmental. I'm not sure if it was my ego hurt or something that runs deeper, a feeling of loss? maybe - about how I had let myself get to the point where someone I had only known for a month could think that about me. i couldn't help but wonder - how did it get to this point? how did my love for people and belief in "slow to anger" and "slow to judgment" turn into something so hideous? :(
perhaps it was my detour into law that made me the way I am - a more critical thinker? sure. it was the first time I truly felt that there were bad people in the world. (but maybe this is a judgment in itself) it made me someone who was not afraid to stand up for myself since being "weak" made me become a people-pleaser - which took a massive toll on my mental health. but I think I took it too far. since I lost my "people-pleasing", I realised that I no longer do self-reflections that include the word "sorry", I no longer think about apologising before defending myself, and I no longer see softness as a superpower. my ego blew to new heights, and with it, all my sense of humility and sincerity towards the things I was doing - I gave them less meaning and I craved the human connection less. i found that stepping on people's toes wasn't something I was afraid of anymore. in some ways, I like that I became more like this - it made me unabashedly not afraid to live life more recklessly - and in turn, helped me to experience more in my life. but I forgot that life is not black and white - it should be impossible to pigeonhole people into good and bad (a murderer could also be a loving father) I don't know where along the way I forgot that. in an effort to "protect my peace", i forgot to love others, and though i do not regret doing that towards the end, some things i wish i did differently, just like with the start of my new journey..
every time I start a new phase of my life I find something to hate about myself again and I fall into a cycle of self-loathing clamouring after more self-improvement. i thought I had self-awareness, but now I am just rethinking all my interactions from the start of my new phase and it haunts me how this might really be the way I am thought of - and I hate it so much. i also feel like maybe this is a pull for me back to jesus, because I have strayed so far away that I have forgotten what my original motivation was for wanting to pursue medicine - it's not about the paper chase, or being better than everyone else, or even to do everything in life - it's about having the privilege of sharing moments of vulnerability with others, and experiencing the full human connection and love that undergirds healing, and doing it all together. helping people is a bonus - what I want is to taste true humanity and understand the depths of sorrow and the heights of happiness and I believe that it is my calling to do so.
so what i need to do now is to apologise to the world, to those I might have hurt, find a system to clean up my act, remove myself from toxic situations, work sincerely and work hard, remember my motivations and recalibrate my life. so here are some resolutions:
focus on yourself and on spreading love, not hate - nothing good to say don't say it
you deserve more from you - exercise and eat healthy, no excuses
med school is your dream because it's your calling, not because it's another achievement to add - don't let it be wasted and lose its meaning because you forget this
pray for peace and selfless love
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heartshapedbubble · 2 years ago
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Hello! if u don't mind, can i request some hcs with Eli and William spending time with their sibling? (platonic ofc) ty <3
here you go anon! sorry for the long wait ToT
eli clark and william ellis spending time with their sibling hcs🦉🏈
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eli clark🦉
loves bonding with you! not as energetic as william but he sure is enthusiastic
makes a small bucket list of things he wants to do with you when you're free
^most of the things on it include nature and relaxing outside ! however he's not opposed to watching a movie together or something
he would love if you wanted to go birdwatching with him, he doesn't want to ask you first though since he thinks it's generally seen as a boring hobby
as an older sibling (i really can't imagine him as the youngest one nfdbbf eventually the middle child), eli is more protective of you but in a loving way
prepared for absolutely everything when you two go out - snacks? checked. med kit? checked. extra clothes? checked
his eyesight is weird since he sees through brooke - he can see everything in third person and it feels odd so you two have a mini inside gimmick thing? where you can let him know if you're near him, like two taps on his shoulder or something so he knows it's you
has really vivid dreams and hes SUUUPER enthusiastic about them and tells you everything that happens in them
"and then the - you wouldn't believe it - giant spider fell down onto the floor and morphed into a whole new creature, and the environment changed too and i suddenly got turned into a mous-" "eli, i'm starting to think you do drugs before you go to sleep every night"
also quite passionate about astronomy so you two often spend your summer nights watching the night sky, especially during a meteor shower
he likes to knit in his free time and for your birthday he gifted you a similar scarf to his :)) finds it cute when you two match clothes and go outside
eli is a really good listener! no matter if it's you just venting or asking for advice from someone more experienced, he's always there for you
likes building snowmen during the winter!! he'll make a snowman resembling you
has insomnia and frequently wakes you up to ask you some question he thought of
"___, you awake?" "jeez eli of course i am when you woke me up, it's like 2am, what is it?" "do you think that dogs ever think of the colors they can't see??? like do they just live without knowing pink exists?" "go to sleep oh my god"
very ticklish. use that to your advantage whenever possible 😈😈
feeds stray animals frequently and would love if you accompanied him! during the winter he sets up those bird feeders and he often brings local stray cats and dogs food
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william ellis🏈
super energetic big bro!!!! it's never boring when he's by your side
you two would definetly have a secret handshake hehe
obviously his favorite way of spending time with you is sports! they improve cooperativeness between people and are so much fun
even though he mostly plays football and rugby you two will often play basketball, tennis and other sports together
if you're too short to reach the hoop he's going to pick you up and hold you higher so you can shoot, he has been doing this since your childhood
really bad at table tennis though😭 actually more clumsy than bad
basically your bodyguard when you two go out, especially if he notices someone from your school or work mocking you, he's just going to give them a dirty look so they stay away from you
yk how usually older siblings are allowed to go out and the younger ones have to stay at home? well that's not happening with him - you're always tagging along and he's going to make sure you have a good time (and that you're safe, obviously)
likes taking you out to get food! shows you the best place to get whatever you're craving
in general he's often going outside and likes showing you various cool places he finds
you two had a secret hideout as kids and he's still visiting it frequently even though both of you are a bit too big for that🥲
pillow fights‼️ he's always extra careful since he's really strong and doesn't want to hit you too hard
you know his bunny onesie? he'll get you a similar one
when you were younger he'd let you hang off his arm and he's still working out actively just so you can keep doing it
he's the type of person to stand in front of your bedroom door like 🕴 and wait for you to wake up just so you two could play videogames or do something together (it scares you every time but he still does it hes a menace)
camping and outside sleepovers enthusiast!! even if it's just your backyard or a treehouse he still tries to make it extra entertaining - although he's not a big fan of scary stories
william cares for you lots and wants the time you two spend together be fun and enjoyable :)
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winter-soldier-vibes · 4 years ago
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Where’s my white flag? (Bucky x reader)
Bucky x reader
Word count 2620
Warnings: Suicidal ideation, depression, worthlessness
Summary: Reader is on the roof experiencing suicidal ideation and Bucky talks her down from it. 
A/N: Please, PLEASE, if you think this will do more harm than good, skip this one. I don’t want to harm anyone in their journey, but writing comfort helps me feel as if I am getting it. I hope that you can feel some too, because people do care. If you feel similar ways to this fic, please reach out, you're not alone. As always, my messages are open too. <3
Taglist: @buckys2thicc @abitgryffindorky @thatfangirl42
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It was a gorgeous night, really. It was a warm summer night, a light breeze blowing your hair. The sky was clear, stars scattered across it. The moon was bright, and the streets weren’t too loud for New York. The buildings lit up the streets, and even in the busy city setting, it wasn’t as harsh as it could be sometimes. It really was beautiful.
Especially looking over it from the roof of Stark Tower. 
You knew you weren’t doing yourself a favor, sitting with your legs over the edge gazing out at the streets below. You knew it wasn’t the best choice for your mentality. Not that you cared much anyway.
See, life had been less than kind to you recently. You loved your family, the Avengers, and being on the team. But one day, doubts and stress had crept in. you don’t know why or when exactly it happened but soon the bad days became bad weeks. It wasn’t long before a good day came as a surprise, and lately you had stopped hoping that they would come. You were used to this numb depression. That didn’t mean you enjoyed it.
But you never thought you’d ever be able to get out of it.
You knew the team loved you, you knew you were good at what you did. But even so, every night you somehow found yourself doubting your worth and questioning your abilities. You had been able to hide behind fake smiles for some time, but soon it became easier to hide in your room. No one to hide from, no reason to hide. 
You felt like you were living on borrowed time. You didn’t know when living became a chore and not just...living. Most people will find work boring or basic chores undesirable. But for you the basics of living as a human had become too much for you. Exhausted from the slightest interactions or basic human needs.
Your emotions would slide from one extreme to the other or disappear entirely. Feeling too much or nothing at all. It’s one thing to be trapped in a place physically. It’s another when your body is the cage and somewhere you had lost the key.
Which is why you found yourself out here on the roof. Again. You’d been coming up here  more and more recently, driven to desperation. You never knew if you would ever go through with it. If there would ever be a time you would actually jump, or if every time would be chalked up to getting fresh air. You put a lot of thought into it and this was the best way you could think of to end your pain. Yet even though you wanted to die, you never quite felt like you could ever do it. 
Not necessarily that you wanted to die - more so you just didn’t want to live the life you had been given. It was too painful. And you were tired of fighting for something that had proved to you that it wasn’t going to work out. 
You had people, a family. No matter how much you doubted your worth, you know it would have an impact on them. Tony would overwork himself in the lab. Natasha would shut down emotionally. Steve and Bucky would blame themselves even though it had nothing to do with them. They were the reason you had been able to stay for so long.
But they wouldn’t think that. They would only see that you were gone and blame themselves for not noticing. Even though they had been - checking in on you or having you sit out missions out of worry of the risks you took. They cared about you, and you didn’t want to hurt them.
But lately, the pain of everything building up had begun to outweigh the worry of the impact you would have on them.
It was better this way
They’d be better off
You wouldn’t be in pain anymore.
Just lean forward, close your eyes and -
“Y/n?” you heard a familiar voice behind you.
You let out a small breath before opening your eyes. You knew who it was. Without turning around you replied with a small “Hey Bucky.”
You looked up from the ground, still not looking at him. “Beautiful night isn’t it?”
Bucky started walking towards you nervously. He had noticed how withdrawn you had been but he never imagined….swallowing, he asked “What are you doing out here?”
You merely shrugged, still not meeting his eyes. You still weren’t sure how tonight would end. “Just clearing my head I guess.” you replied with. You spoke as if you were sitting on the kitchen counter with your legs dangling over. As if you weren’t over 1,000 feet above the city streets below.
Swallowing nervously again at seeing your feet dangling over the edge, he cleared his throat. “Can I sit with you?”
You nodded, still unable to look at him as he sat down next to you. You knew the emotion would be overwhelming if you did. He felt his heart rate pick up looking over the edge, knowing that a wrong move from either of you would certainly be lethal. “Do you want to go inside and talk?”
You were silent. 
“Why don’t we move back a little bit, it’s pretty dangerous to be this close to the edge.”
“I know,” you said, finally meeting his eyes. “That’s kind of the point,” you said almost emotionlessly. Bucky looked back at you, eyebrows creased in concern. You held the edge of the roof in your hands tightly, knuckles turning white. You looked back down at the streets below. “You ever think about dying?” you asked suddenly, emotion starting to grow inside you as you felt tears prick your eyes from being so vulnerable. No going back now.
“Y/n, why don’t we go inside, we -”
“I know I wouldn’t want to drown” you looked at him and shook your head. “Slow and painful. Not for me. I’ve thought about pills but it isn’t always effective and I could just end up getting really sick, and depending on the medication it could be painful.” you laughed bitterly as tears filled your eyes, looking back out at the skyline. “Some people think you take meds and fall asleep but it’s not always like that. I know if I died I would want it to be quick. A gunshot, snapping my neck…” you paused for a moment, letting the tears spill over. “...Falling off a building.”.
Bucky could feel his heart pounding in his chest at your words, breaking at how casually you talked about this and how much thought you had given it. “Do you think about it a lot?” he asked, voice wavering from anxiety. 
You swallowed dryly as you felt Bucky’s eyes on you. “A gunshot is the easiest. It’s messy, but it’s certain. But if I did that then one of you would be the first to find me, and no one would ever want to go in the training room again. It’s nearly impossible to snap your own neck. But if I jump…” you tilted your head back and forth a little. “The public finds me first. You wouldn’t be the first to see me.”
You took a deep breath and brought your eyes back to his. “I think about it every goddamn day.”
Bucky took a deep breath. You started to stand up and Bucky did too, nervous at what you were going to do. He reached out his hand to try to grab you but you swatted it away, walking away from the edge slightly and turning your back to him.
“Y/n, talk to me, let me try to help you.” he said. “Please,” he added, desperation threading his voice. 
You turned around, arms crossed. “You can’t help me, no one can help me.” you shook your head. “Every day I wake up and it’s the same shit. It's the same tiring life and routine, over and over. It’s the same feeling 24/7. There’s no escape from it, there’s no break.” you started getting more passionate and put your arms out. “Even if I could get a break I’d come back to the same shit at some point. There’s no escaping my life and my feelings, I can’t turn off my mind.” your voice was rising through tears of frustration. “I don’t want this life anymore, okay? I want to die but I can’t do it. No matter how much I want to, I CAN’T! Where’s my fucking white flag?!” you shook your head again. “When do I get to tap out? I can’t do this anymore!” you shouted. “I’m tired of fighting for a life that I will NEVER have!”
Bucky looked at you sadly, knowing all too well the feeling of craving an escape. He walked closer to you, you trying to walk away. He grabbed your hand and you wrestled out of it. He came closer and grabbed you by your shoulders more firmly trying to bring you into a hug. “Get the fuck off.” you said, trying to get away, punching his chest. It didn’t affect him, and he just kept trying to hold you still despite your wrestling figure. Eventually your anger melted into agony, as you let out sobs against his chest, giving into the embrace.
“Please, just let me die…”
“It’s not your time yet,” he whispered.
You began crying harder and he held you protectively, whispering “I got you. It’s okay.”
He kept repeating that and hushing you, keeping his arms tightly around you, supporting you. “I don’t want to do this anymore…” you sobbed into his chest. 
“I know,” he said, his voice cracking. He cradled your head against his chest. “I know.”
After standing there for a few more moments, he said “Let’s get you inside. It's going to be okay.”
And with that, he moved to pick you up, doing so with ease. You hid your face against his chest, trying to contain your cries. You were embarrassed to be so emotional. Luckily for you, your room was close to the elevator and seeing as it was early morning now, no one was roaming the halls. 
He brought you into your room and sat down on the bed, still holding you in his lap. You were still crying, both from the situation and out of shame for being so vulnerable. He still held you tightly, whispering comforting words to you and breathing steadily. Eventually you were able to find your own rhythm, still crying softly. It wasn’t until now that you realized how badly you were shaking. 
After a few minutes of silence, Bucky began to speak. “I just want you to listen, okay?” when you nodded he continued. “I know that you might not believe me but I felt the same way once. Remembering everything I did as the Winter Soldier and the nightmares, they just...wouldn’t stop. Remembering was the worst part. Knowing what I did, even if I didn’t have control, made day and night hell. I couldn’t make it stop.” Your eyes filled with tears, knowing how much he blamed himself. 
“I couldn’t control the memories and the nightmares. I couldn’t avoid my metal arm. It was a constant reminder of everything they made me do. And I didn’t want to feel the guilt that I did. But death wasn’t the answer.” he guided your face to look at his. “Death is never the answer. The memories stay, but the guilt fades.”
 “You are such a good person.” when you scoffed he added “I know these feelings and thoughts tell you you’re not but you are. I know it may seem like it will never end, but it can get easier. You don’t have to be okay, you don’t have to be strong for us. But taking away your chance at every future good experience by permanently preventing the bad ones isn’t worth it.”
Your eyes filled with fresh tears. “Sometimes it feels like it’s all about pros and cons. Like no good experience could outweigh the pain of all of this.” you let the tears fall and shook your head. “Life isn’t supposed to hurt.”
He hugged you tightly. “No one asks for pain, no one asks for this. It’s not your fault that you feel this way and it’s okay. But it can get better, I promise.”
You cried into his chest. “I don’t know how to do this.”
“There’s no right thing to do. You don’t have to do this alone. I’m here for you, and I know the whole team would be too if you needed them to be. You’re not weak, you’re not stupid. You’re going to get through this, because you are strong.”
“I just…” you started, shaking your head a little. “This was never supposed to happen. I don’t know why I can’t control it anymore. It’s been bad for a while but I was always able to function and push down this type of thing. I don’t know what happened. I don’t know where I went wrong.”
Bucky shook his head. “It’s not your fault. You can’t control it. These things happen, there doesn’t always have to be a reason. Emotions are what they are and our own minds can be our worst enemy. We know the best way to hurt ourselves, we know what our weaknesses are. Sometimes our minds take advantage of that.”
You moved to look at him. “How did you make it stop? You said it got easier, how did you do it? How do you turn it off?”
“It’s not quite that simple. I know deep down that I wasn’t in control. It was what HYDRA had created that killed those people, not the human I was before. And I tried to remind myself that I still had the person I was before HYDRA in me, somewhere. And slowly I tried to find who I used to be to help create who I could be. I don’t know if that makes sense -”
“It does,” you said as you leaned into his chest again. you squeezed your eyes shut. “Thank you.”
“Anytime. I’m always here to help you okay?” you nodded. “Why don’t you try to get some sleep, and we can talk in the morning, okay?” you nodded again, and Bucky gave you another hug before standing up. You lied down, you being too tired to care about changing out of your day clothes. They were comfortable enough. 
Bucky, not wanting to leave you alone, went to go sit in a chair. He didn’t want to cross any boundaries. Before he could sit down though, you sat up and turned to him. 
“Can you lay with me please?” Bucky nodded. “Yeah, of course.” He took off his shoes and climbed into the other side of the bed, giving you some space. You moved to be flush against his chest, his heartbeat soothing to you. “Thank you,” you said softly
“No need to thank me.” He said softly, wrapping his arms around you, making you feel protected. “I should be thanking you.” He added
“For what?” You asked, confused.
“For not giving up.”
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levisgirll · 3 years ago
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Hi, I'm really enjoying your Levi writings, especially post ch 139. My1st req, I've been thinking about post war Levi, mainly healed from any injuries but sometimes his old wounds flare up. Back, legs, ect. Would like a modern AU hc of a night where it's bad, what's he do? Bath, heating pad, meds, ect? (Would he hate meds?) Would he ask for help? What if his s/o were there, or particularly his unspoken attraction? Say he's stuck in position from pain and they sit/lay behind him so he can rest.
𝐀𝐎𝐓 𝐝𝐢𝐬𝐜𝐮𝐬𝐬𝐢𝐨𝐧 - 𝐋𝐞𝐯𝐢 𝐀𝐜𝐤𝐞𝐫𝐦𝐚𝐧 (𝟑)
𝙃𝙚𝙮 𝙩𝙝𝙚𝙧𝙚 𝙖𝙣𝙤𝙣 ♡♡
note: A lot of really cute fluff that I’m sure will warm your heart- don’t miss this out!
Thanks for the questions!
I am so glad that you are enjoying them 🥺 it means a lot to me ♡♡ (I combined this both as a discussion and adding some headcanon ideas as you did mention them both<3 but if you want a fanfic then let me know!)
This is a very interesting topic and I always wanted to share my thoughts and ideas about this! Post war Levi would finally for once in his life feel relaxed, ease up and he won’t have to be worried or overthink anymore for 24/7 (about titans, and especially his s/o living another day or not). His life becomes even much better when he lives with his s/o, and it feels just too good for him how they would still be there, alive and by his side all day long and he would usually think he’s stuck in a dream because living with s/o had always been one of his goals and wish. 
Levi just loves how his s/o would always wake up every morning to go get him tea and while they are at it, they would go get warm towels to apply and put it on his shoulders as usually when he wakes up it would be stiff, and his s/o knows him too well that they got that prepared for him. Levi would actually love it when Y/N gives him warm towels or applies for him the heating pads for his back, places he couldn’t reach, and this would help improve his damaged muscles and his back stiffness. He adores you too much and while you are doing it, Levi would would just sit on the edge of the bed, shirtless, just staring at you and when you glance at him, Levi always has a look of admiration in his eyes when he looks at you, his facial expression says it all and after you are done he would lean in to kiss you softly and then whisper “Thank you, my love.” so faintly and you would only be able to hear that if the room was pitch quiet, and if you missed hearing it, Levi would not repeat it as this man is quite shy sometimes. Speaking about that, post war Levi would start to stutter, blush and be shy way more when he tries to be more romantic with you <3
Although, when he thinks about doing some romantic stuff with you when you both are alone, he would hesitate and might end up not doing them. That’s because, I find Levi the type who would maybe struggle with his new looks (the scares on his face) and becomes a bit insecure. As he is quite emotional, this side of him would show a lot and whenever he looks at the mirror and sees that long scar on his face, his eye being damaged, he would think and wonder “Do they still even love me while I look like this? Half of my face is injured.” He would then realize that he would have a lot of scars on his upper abdomen, chest and shoulder and Levi would stop going shirtless during nights when you both sleep. Y/N starts to pick up on that and when they mention about it, Levi would just brush it off and say he would be cold later the evening (which is a lie, the man is burning up everytime he touches your body or looks at you, especially when you are both sleeping on the same bed where he holds you so closely)
When Y/N offers they want to help him with treating his wounds, I don’t find Levi the type who would reject their offer, in fact he would feel grateful how they are willing to help him and it makes him feel a bit loved to be honest, he would be very calm about it and pass you the bandages silently with a slight nod, indicating that he is fine with you treating him. And you are the ONLY one that Levi allows you to treat him. However, I think this would only go on a bit in the beginning, later on he would hesitate and try to treat his scars and wounds himself whenever you are not in the bedroom. That’s not because he does not want you to treat him, but because I think Levi would start to feel maybe a bit insecure with the scars he has on his body and feels like he would have to hide them. He wants to recover and his wounds/scars to heal FAST so that he can start to feel comfortable and show you even more love, he would start to overthink too and probably think that you mighttt find him ugly! He never wants to ask you that because he is scared to find out the truth.
There was a night though, where his old wounds would flare/open up, and he would feel extreme pain that night. He would slowly get off the bed and let you go (as he was hugging your waist while you were sleeping) and try to go to the bathroom to get some painkillers to ease the pain. The pain would come from his back muscles, and then he would groan and wince from the pain as he struggles to get the muscle deep pain reliving cream. Y/N would then notice the other side of the bed being empty and cold (as Levi is not warming them up anymore with his hug) and wake up, they then notice he is in the bathroom and head there. “Levi? Dear, are you okay?” They would say as they approach Levi. “I’m sorry, did I wake you?” Levi turned quickly, and holding his s/o’s hands, showing them that he is alright. Levi would probably try to hide his pain later on, because he does not want to show you his ‘weak side’ as he would think and not be a burden to you. You are quick to read the atmosphere and knew something was up, “I asked you a question first, are you okay?”. Y/N would sound like an angel to Levi, his eyes would soften and wonder how did he actually end up with an amazing person by his side who actually loves him and cares about him. He would then give in, not hiding it anymore and letting them know that his wound from his back muscle started to flare up.
Y/N would take Levi to their bed, let him rest and lay on his chest while they would gently caress his back with the pain relief cream and massage him. Oh, how amazing he felt that night, he felt even more in love with you and his love kept on growing. Just with your touch, and your gentle hands as they massage his back would help him so much, his pain would be easily gone, and he would close his eyes softly and finally relax as you massaged him. As you were massaging him, you started to admire how amazing his back muscles, biceps and triceps were and that his scars made him look even more attractive and it was a sign showing how strong and amazing ‘Y/N’s man’ was. “Wow, Look at my man. You are so handsome.” Y/N would say in a amazed tone and smile at him while his face would go super red, “R-Really...If I am like that to you in your eyes....That only matters to me.” With your help and words to Levi that night, his insecurities slowly drifted away and he started to appreciate his scars now, and also see it as a reminder and a sign/indication that he served his duty for all his fallen comrades and he would not have to have any more regrets as Y/N would say, and that helped him so so much. He really cherishes and admired you, you have no idea <3  Levi would also give you that unspoken attraction, asking for another back massage session, would do it for you too for your shoulder after you massaged him behind you as you are making tea for him and then he would hug your waist from behind, putting his face in your shoulder and breathing in your beautiful scent and start giving you a trail of kisses on your shoulders and up to your neck, the room would then be filled with giggles from Y/N and that warms Levi’s heart <3
Levi would probably hate to take some medicines if they tasted bad and he would try to avoid it, but Y/N would definitely help him out and try to help him take it with his food which he found was a good idea and it slowly helped him take the meds, he would only do this if you were with him and then you noticed how Levi would actually act like a teenage kid sometimes. “Y/N, I told you, I only take them if you are with me, and if its your food that I am eating.” Levi would say as you sighed, after asking him when getting back from the store if he took his meds or not. He loved your food so much and he would be the type not to eat food from outside if it wasn’t yours. He thinks everything you do or make is amazing and he loves it if you did anything just for him, his love for you was strong and whenever he thanks you, he would give you a smile that would warm your heart. “Tell me, is there something else you want?” You would say with a big smile, and Levi would come and approach you, then say while he brings his hands to caress your cheeks gently, “Yea...I want you.” You both spend a long afternoon with cuddles and kisses and Levi was not planning to let you go, post war Levi would be a clingy man to Y/N! Y/N would then give him ‘marks’ instead on his neck if they had a heated makeout session and they would say “I’ll give you a mark instead.” Oh how now he really admires that so much and would always crave for that now <3 you made him feel amazing and he made you feel special. It was a mutual love, putting effort into the relationship and Levi loved that as he is the type who would usually depend on emotional attraction instead.
I find Levi the type of guy who might feel guilty/ashamed or feel a bit bad whenever he asks for help from Y/N, he wants to be the man to be there for you and helping you 24/7 instead. For example, when he is finding it a bit difficult to get up from his chair as his wounds and pain start to flare up, and he would struggle to ask for your help and even hesitate to call you out. But as soon as he gives Y/N that look, the unspoken attraction that they have for each other lets them know that he is needing some help. This is when both of them realized, they actually have a special and unique relationship bond, understanding one another so well without even saying it makes Levi feel so lucky and special instead of feeling bad and even though he hates it when this happens, he feels so loved after that and he would then talk so highly of Y/N and his relationship to the others.
Y/N would sometimes get the bath ready and done for Levi and this man would appreciate it so much whenever you do that, he would get lowkey happy and would ask you to join him <3 and after the bath, you would let him rest on your lap and softly caress his hair while he relaxes there and rests. He loves moments like these so much and then he would look up to you, with his eyes filled with love and lust whenever he is looking at your face, your eyes as they sparkle and with the reflection he can clearly see your beautiful shade eye color, and he would reach out to gently pull you closer to his face and give you a passionate kiss.
Finally, definitely post war Levi and Y/N would have unspoken attraction. I feel like this would be more common with Levi, that it is clear he has a strong attraction towards them and he really adores his Y/N a lot but won’t probably say it aloud. It is clear with his actions and when he is close to Y/N, he would hold their hand gently and caress his thumb on Y/N’s hand, indicating that he wants them to stay a bit longer, holding their hand, just to feel their presence. His signs of upspoken mutual attraction would be so strong, he would definitely tease Y/N and enjoy that, smile more when around them and especially when they are treating his wounds. Both would anticipate each other’s needs and wants and Levi and Y/N would feel the chemistry between each other more while Y/N is treating them, Levi would engage in a lot of mutual eye contact. He would do this to indicate that he wants to feel more closer to you (after Y/N would touch his chest and arms) while treating him, and he would go near your lips just to steal a small kiss from you and that would leave you a blushing mess <3 Post war Levi would be a clingy man, and he would open up with you more, finding it easier to talk with you about his wounds/scars as you apply some heating pads on him, and then after everytime you help him out, Levi would always look for excuses to want to help you instead, to make up for it.
I hope this answered your question and this is what I would guess! Anyways, I really loved answering this as this warmed my heart. Levi really deserves this after everything he went through and I lowkey think he would really crave for that! He would hug you everytime and thank you for always being there for him and it would be sincere and wholehearted. Please feel free to send another question or anyone out there who has one! I hope you and everyone else has a good day and let me know if you liked this by leaving a message anywhere, like or a reblog 🥺 ♡ ♡
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giorno-plays-piano · 3 years ago
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Vicious
Part IX
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Pairing: Steve x reader, Bucky x reader, Thor x reader, Loki x reader, Peter x reader
Warnings: yandere, obsession, stalking, possessiveness, theft, all characters are adults.
Words: 1574.
Summary: Transferring to Stark Academy that has only allowed to take in female students last semester, you realize you are just one of three young women among hundreds of students. Your things are constantly being stolen, and soon you begin fearing for your safety.
Part I | Part II | Part III | Part IV | Part V |  Part VI | Part VII | Part VIII
________
You didn't know what else to say, feeling ashamed. Who cared about your family circumstances? Definitely not Steve Rogers, a man you met just a couple of weeks ago and who knew nothing about you. Why did you say something like that in the first place?
You didn't wanna look at his face and see him feeling guilty because he didn't know how to comfort you. You didn't need to be comforted. You didn't need anything at all. It was just a simple cold, right?
Despite that, you suddenly started talking from beneath your blankets, "I have a younger brother. When he was born, we found out he was having severe asthma. His childhood was terrible, he had constantly been sick, I remember him being in and out the hospital all the time. Of course, because of his condition, my parents spent most of the time with him. He was just a little sick kid."
You hated yourself for talking, for showing something to Steve he shouldn't have known because he wasn't your friend, but you couldn't force yourself to stop.
"On the other hand, I am lucky to have good health. I didn't really got very sick, so, well, I didn't need help like my brother. So, I'm used to taking of myself. I'm a big girl, I don't need my mom to dance around me just because I have a cold."
Of course, you didn’t. You were perfectly capable of taking care of yourself, and even of Steve didn't show up, you'd be alright by yourself. You'd just take your acetaminophen, and then everything would be ok.
You kept silent, staring at the inside of the blanket and wishing Steve would just disappear, leaving you to your misery. You didn’t see his face, and you were glad you didn't. What he must think about you? That you were craving for his attention like a spoiled kid? Shit, it was so embarrassing. You were an adult, for goodness sake!
"I don't know about you, but when I had a flu sachet, it would make me fall asleep really quick. And when I was feeling sleepy, I would start thinking about the things I loved most because I hoped I would see them in a dream." Instead of feeling ever more ashamed, you listened to Steve's soft voice and thought you were lucky it was him being here with you now. "It actually worked, and I have been having my best dreams when I was asleep, sick. What are the things you love most?"
Surprised, you looked up at him and saw the most gentle expression on a face of a guy you had ever met. Why did he look at you like that? Why was there no pity on his face? Why was it making you cry like you were a ten year old kid? Before he could see anything, you hid beneath the blanket again and kept silent for a couple of moments to calm down.
"I love lemon pies my grandma used to make me, and her garden. She had tomatoes and cabbage and strawberries that smelled like summer. I loved watering them nearly every day because I thought I was a little forest witch who lived in her pretty cottage in the woods."
You didn't know why you were telling him this, but Steve has a strange effect on you. Or was it cold? You had no idea, but it didn’t really matter. All you were thinking about was the way fresh tomatoes smell when you'd leaned down to water them, and the sound of bees flying above strawberry's flowers. Your grandma was taking care of her cabbage - a very capricious guest in her garden - and you could hear her working, cursing grandpa for making the patches too wide in that funny voice of hers. Then she'd stood up, wiped the sweat with the back of her hand, and called you to come back to the cottage because if was time for dinner. You'd run to wash your hands in a barrel of water near the big apple tree when grandma didn't see, and soon you were sitting with her, eating her famous cabbage soup and then having a piece of a lemon pie because you worked so well today.
You could almost feel the taste on the tip of your tongue.
By the time you woke up, Steve was long gone: it was the middle of the night, and instead of him you saw a thermos with a still warm chicken soup on a chair, waiting for you. He sent you a message that you could call him at any time of the day - or night - and that he wanted you to have a bit more sleep to get better. After you had a few more sips of his soup, you fell asleep again, feeling warm and fuzzy.
_______
The weekend went fast. It was the first time in several years you spent so much time in bed. Steve kept appearing at your door from time to time with a new bags of food despite you telling him you had your own, but he always insisted you should it something fresh and warm. Surprisingly, he wasn't the only one at your door: Thor suddenly showed up with his whole team, bringing you notes for the upcoming exams they collected altogether, apparently. Loki sent you a message if you needed anything, and Peter left contacted you on Instagram, leaving you links to games you could play so you wouldn't feel bored. Even Bucky gave you a call, asking if he could come and give you a few packs of Neo Citran for your cold, but you kindly refused: Steve literally brought you a yearly supply of this.
It was strange. Of course, when you were in high school, your friends grew worried about you when you had been sick, but there was nothing else to it. Wasn't it always like this? Nobody came to see you. Nobody brought you soup or gave you meds or anything. Despite feeling embarrassed, you realized you actually liked it when somebody was close to you like that. It was comforting seeing Steve popping up and not having to worry about how pretty you looked: he laughed when he saw you getting all shy because you were in your pyjamas. He said he definitely didn't expect you laying on your bed in an evening gown.
Before you realized it, you were already getting better. It was just a cold, really. Soon your throat was no longer sore, and while you were still sneezing, your temperature dropped down to normal, so on Monday you were ready to come back to school as planned. Funny enough, you no longer cared if you passed your exams, having 100%. You didn’t talk about it with Steve, but Peter was laughing like crazy about that when you told him.
Funny. They no longer looked so scary to you. They were just a couple of boys, weren't they? Regardless all those scary rumors and stuff, they were just guys. Maybe they were weird and stupid and a little bit scary because you didn't know them, they were still alright. Thor said it to you, didn't he?
Monday was Bucky's day, so, once you were done dressing, he nocked at your door: you were feeling a bit shy, watching him in that leather jacket and torn jeans he kept wearing the whole year around, apparently. Barnes looked like a teenage girl's dream. He smelled like cigarettes - although he said he was trying to quit - and pinewood. Just like Thor, he liked to skip classes he didn't enjoy much, but he was smart enough to pass the exams. Funny enough, he had a motorcycle.
Again, you wondered how come girls weren't coming from a city on a bus just to go see him.
"Are you sure you’re feeling better?" He asked you softly. "You can stay home today."
"No, no, I'm perfectly alright, thank you! How are you?" Smiling, you closed the door and hid the key in your bag.
"I'm good, thank you."
He didn't speak much, but as you walked in silence, you thought it was comforting - not talking at all and feeling good about it. While Bucky looked like a scary biker, in fact, his calm and friendly demeanor only helped you relax around him. Besides, it was funny how students seemed to give him way whenever they saw him, and you thought if Steve was the King, then Bucky was the Knight.
Before you went into the your classroom, he suddenly stopped you, "Listen, I wanted to say I have your stuff."
You blinked, "What stuff?"
You didn't give him any of your stuff. Actually, after Steve gathered you all in the student council room, you only met Bucky this morning for the first time.
"The stuff those freaks took. Your... your clothes, I mean." He muttered under his breath, and you gaped at him.
Your underwear. He found your bra and panties those guys took from your room.
"Wait... how?" Staring at Bucky who, apparently, was feeling a bit embarrassed talking about it, you thought how on Earth he got those things.
There was only one way he could, right?
"Bucky, was it you who beat those guys?"
It took him a couple of seconds to turn his face to you and then sigh, "Yes, it was me."
_________
Tags: @finleyjayne @alexakeyloveloki  @helenaeisenhower @villanellevi @hurricanerin @inlovewiththefictionalcharacters @chris-evans-indian-fanfic @navegandoaciegas @rosalynshields @brattycherub @sllooney @angrythingstarlight @lookiamtrying @buckysbunny @stargazingfangirl18 @dillybuggg @literate-lamb @cosicas-cuquis @sarge-barnes-sir @buckybarnesplumwhore @jaysayey @megzdoodle @gotnofucks @lux-ravenwolf @ximebebx @jeremyrennerfanxxxx123 @sourpatchspinster @biiskuitx @stupendouslovegardener @iheartsebandchris @lovelydarkdaydream @soleil-dor @illyrianprincess @vampirestrawberries @goodgodimaweirdperson @frontmanash @freya-heya @yandematic @mariatietacapitu @d3monslust @maybesandohnos @ibeatuptwinks @mangobangi @nectav @whatever-happened-to-the-ducks @teabutnerdy ​ @srrymydood @crazylittlereader2474
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petri808 · 3 years ago
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Quarantine memories fic hoarding craze for @thenaluarchive
— thank you to @phoenix-before-the-flame for helping jump start this fic 💜
It was Natsu Dragneel’s absolute favorite time of the day. 1 pm for him, and 8 am for Lucy, his… well, right now they were just online friends separated by distance and priorities. But judging by how he talked about her to friends, you’d never know it. They’d met three years ago on Twitch through a random chat stream about an anime series, and he continued following Lucy on her writing streams. Three years ago, she was a sophomore in college while he was in his senior year. Lucy later moved on to a graduate program, but they stayed in touch, growing close. To Natsu, she wasn’t just some girl online but a real friend he cared very much about. His friends called Lucy his online girlfriend. Pfft. He wished he could call her that.
Roughly two thousand miles away, Lucy Heartfilia was hating life. Her curtains were drawn, and a blanket was pulled over her head to drown out the light. The air conditioner was down to 60 degrees Fahrenheit, working against the low-grade fever and pounding migraine born yesterday. Migraines… the bane of her otherwise healthy existence. It was her fault after all, the temptation of a chocolate dessert knowing full well it was one of her triggers brought on said migraine and all she could do was bear it.
Why?
“Stupid hoarders!” Lucy groaned to herself.
As if dealing with a pandemic wasn’t bad enough, people’s selfish reactions to it were worse. A government agency had claimed that acetaminophen products could help with the virus’s symptoms, so what did people do? Panic buying anything and everything they could find containing that drug! The problem for people like Lucy, is the one over the counter medication that helped with her migraines was Excedrine… an acetaminophen product! And she’d just. run. out.
Lucy’s phone rang and she knew exactly who it could be based on the time. So, she clicked the answer button without opening her eyes.
“Hey, Natsu,” she groaned out.
“Morning Lucy! Oh geez, you sound like a frog.”
“Thanks,” she retorted sarcastically. “I’ve got a migraine.”
“Ouch.” Natsu genuinely flinched. He rarely got headaches, but this wasn’t the first time he’d talked to Lucy when she was going through one, so he knew what she was going through. “The meds aren’t helping?”
Lucy sighed. “I ran out. And did you see the news about all the hoarding? Every store here is bought out. It… sucks.”
“I could check around here and send you any I find,” he offered.
“Aww, that’s sweet of you Natsu, but I don’t wanna trouble you.”
“Pfft. Nonsense. I’m sure you’d do the same for me.”
“Thanks, Natsu. I appreciate it.” Lucy smiled through the pain. There’s a good reason her feelings for the man had grown over the years. His sweet and caring, yet fun and goofy, positive personality was an easy drug to get hooked to.
“Anyway, I gotta get back to work.” Natsu whined. “Good morning again, stay hydrated, and I’ll check on you again when I’m finished for the day, okay Lucy? Get some rest.”
“Have a good day at work Natsu.”
“Will now, after hearing your voice. Talk to you later Luce.”
She giggled softly. “Bye, Natsu.”
Lucy shifted under her blanket as she clicked off the phone to lie on her back. His sexy voice did wonders for her mood despite the pain still ravaging it. Now all she had to do was drag herself out of bed to eat something and drink water. She never had an appetite when she got these migraines, but it was a necessary fuel to fight it. All Lucy had left were extra strength Tylenol, so she could only hope it would at least take the edge off until the migraine ran its course.
Like so many others, this pandemic had really taken a toll on Lucy’s psyche. It’s not as if she went out a lot before it took hold, but just the fact it made going out dangerous brought different emotions to the situation. School had moved online which sucked all its own, she missed casually hanging out with friends on campus, and simply longed for the freedom of leaving her apartment as she pleased. But she understood the precautions of a quarantine. Frankly, she agreed with the city’s efforts to keep them as safe as possible no matter how many grumbled about it. Did it make it easier? No. But it was a necessary evil.
They weren’t completely trapped, could shop for necessities, visit family or friends, just encouraged to limit such gatherings as a safety precaution. If you went out, wear a mask, and just don’t stand too close to other people. Well, unless Lucy knew the person, why would she want strangers in her personal bubble anyway? And the mask thing? Have you ever been out shopping, and someone just sneezes without covering their mouth? Yeah— seriously, would it kill people to use one?! Why were people so selfish during times like this? Not everyone, but too many. Just like with all the hoarding frenzies that swept through cities, it was frustrating and— “Ugh…” being in a pain-driven bad mood was sure bringing her down today.
But despite all the external frustrations, the feelings of isolation from being in a quarantine for months were probably the most mentally exhausting part. It was lonely being so far away from home during a pandemic. Lucy’s been in college for five years and while she’s made friends in the new city, she was starting to crave comfort instead of an empty apartment. Her life online was one of the few things that made her happy, like Natsu’s daily calls, and kept her sane.
Natsu… her face heated up every time she thought about the man. They didn’t have a lot of hobbies in common, but he was always so supportive and made her laugh like no other could. Where they lacked in commonality, was made up in ease of conversation. It hadn’t taken very long for their online chats to feel more like an old friend and less like a faceless stranger. Over the years they’d talked about meeting in person one day after she finished school. It also helped that he was from a city not too far from where she came from, so if she chose to move back it would be convenient. But she also loved the new city she called home. Oh well, Lucy sighed. It was a decision still a couple of years away to make.
The next morning, Lucy woke up to find her migraine had finally given up. She could still feel the little bastard hiding, simmering somewhere ready to strike, but if it stayed mellow, it was something she could tolerate. Throughout the day, Lucy wasted no time in catching up on the homework she couldn’t finish the day before and making sure to stay hydrated with food in her stomach.
Lucy’s phone rang around 2pm.
“Hi Natsu, how was work?”
“Same ole, same ole,” he chuckled. “And how are you? Still feeling, okay?”
“Yeah, it hasn’t come back.”
“That’s great!”
Lucy could hear a lot of background noise, so she asked about it. “Oh, you’re not home yet?”
“Nah, and the commuters are being extra noisy today,” he responded benignly. “Anyway, tonight I won’t have time to talk cause I got a project due for work I need to finish.”
“Oh, that’s okay. Yeah, I’m still catching up from yesterday too and Levy’s dropping by for dinner.”
They chat for a few minutes about their day as Natsu waited for transportation. Lucy knew he used the subway to and from work, but today it sounded a little different, noisier and she swore there were engines instead of the normal train sounds. Maybe it was static. Finally, Lucy caught the muffled words now boarding.
“Shucks, time for me to go,” Natsu cut through. “Sweet dreams Lucy! I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”
“Good night, Natsu!”
Lucy spent the afternoon relaxing online, chatting with friends and gaming. Her friend Levy McGarden later dropped by with take-out food for dinner and the two women caught up on random topics while movies droned on the television. They were both in grad school, so during the semester there wasn’t a lot of time to hang out, but they made do. Lucy was also doing a paid internship at a local magazine 4 days out of the week as part of her master’s program. She really enjoyed working there under one of the senior editors. He made it a fun learning experience.
Life was almost perfect except for the background isolation of the pandemic. Lucy was glad she wasn’t one of the individuals affected by jobs cuts, but it still got under her skin to feel trapped in a way. It was nice with her friend over... ‘Maybe I should see if Levy wants to become roommates?’ She wondered as she drifted off to sleep. The apartment would sure feel a lot less empty.
A knock at the door roused Lucy from her sleep. She blinked and yawned, looking at the alarm clock and that said 9 am the next morning. ‘Natsu didn’t call,’ she thought how odd. Maybe he slept in after working late.
Lucy dragged herself out of bed, throwing on a robe to answer the front door. “Gimme a sec,” she called out as she neared it.
“UPS delivery, ma’am.” The male voice responded.
‘UPS?’ Lucy grew confused. She didn’t remember ordering anything through them, but maybe she’d forgotten?
She peaked out of the peep hole, but all she could see was the box being held up. Okay a little weird, but some of the delivery people did that to show they were legitimate service people. Lucy slowly opened the door but kept the chain lock on while peering through the gap. But what she saw next brought on instant tears.
“H-How?” Her voice stammered out as her fingers quickly undid the lock and opened the door wide.
There Natsu stood holding a small brown box, dressed in a uniform of sorts, with a mask hanging under his chin, and wearing a goofy grin.
Lucy snorted a laugh as her eyes crinkled in happiness. “Is that a Halloween costume?”
“Yeah,” his smile widened, and hand scratched his head. “Surprise delivery,” Natsu held out the box, “for Lucy Heartfilia.”
“What is it?” She asked as she took it from him.
“Oh, I um found you Excedrine.”
Lucy opened the box to find 4 bottles. “You certainly did,” she laughed. “But why’d you bring it yourself?”
“It was quicker than the mail and… I hoped…” Natsu’s mannerism grew sheepish and tentative, “it was about time we finally met in person?”
Her face softened with a smile. “It truly is.” Lucy gestured into the apartment. “Please, make yourself at home.”
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orangefoxes · 3 years ago
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Hey, so I've been trying to submit a prompt but it won't work so here it goes I know this will be sad but what if Neil gets really sad and depressed (the reason is up for interpretation ex: bullied by jack or is haunted by PTSD) and so he becomes full of self hate and becomes anorexic and cuts himself #andreil (this would mean so much since I've been through similar circumstances and was strong enough to pull through and keep living, this book and your Tumblr have helped me so much)
Hi @soph-ie21 I am so sorry this took a whopping 4 years for me to post. I’m terrible for not checking my inbox as my notifications have been turned off for tumblr since I was like 13. I’m so glad to hear that you recovered from your ED, you must be so strong and I’m so proud of you as I know how difficult that is to do. I’m hoping this is the sort of prompt you were looking for, if you’re even looking after this long, as it’s not very dialogue heavy, but here you go.
TRIGGER WARNING: EATING DISORDER, SELF LOATHING, ANOREXIA.
When in high stress situations, to cope, the brain releases a hormone called cortisol. It’s alright in small doses, helpful even. It triggers your fight or flight response and readies the body to do something, fast. Constant exposure to the hormone however, has some not so good long term effects. Effects that include, but are not limited to: high blood pressure, heart disease, type 2 diabetes, osteoporosis, and, arguably the mildest, weight gain.
Cortisol results in weight gain for two reasons. The first is because it slows your metabolism, and the second is because the drop in blood sugar from constant high blood pressure means that you start craving fatty, sugary foods, which leads to overeating. Neil’s memory is not nearly good enough for him to recall what foods he had craved over the years, but he and his mother shied away from sweets and chocolate for dental reasons, it probably would have been a hardship for many kids growing up but Neil had never much cared for sugar anyway. However, what he and his mother did indulge in is a lot of fatty, fast food. Partly because it was cheap, partly because it was something they could eat while on the move, and partly because no one would look twice at two sketchy people in a Burger King or remember a beaten up old car briefly pausing in a drive thru.
While never giving much thought to how he looked (short of checking for ginger roots and the bruise on his cheek from where his mother had slapped that smile from his face), Neil does remember his weight fluctuating a lot when he was younger. The more stressful the months, the chubbier he got. It was in the quiet periods as he and his mother settled down and didn’t dare to venture into the supermarket too often that he began to lose it again. It was a cycle.
In Millport, Neil was at his lowest weight yet. There was only a solitary McDonald’s in town and Neil wasn’t about to become a regular. He stocked up on tinned food from the supermarket in his first week in town instead and meticulously made his way through them, heating the can up on the hot plate he had bought for four dollars from the thrift store in the high street.
He gained weight again once he started at Palmetto, he gained muscle mass too. This, of course, was thanks to three free meals a day and a new training regime with daily exercise. It was to be expected, but if, perhaps, he gained weight quicker than his teammates and muscle slower, well, he had bigger things to worry about.
Then he knew he was going to live.
Then everything with the Moriyamas was…well, not gone, but resolved.
That’s not to say there was nothing to stress about. There was the influx of reporters wanting to catch the Foxes’ attention to ask about Nathaniel Wesninski. There was Kevin’s impending break down as Riko’s funeral came and went. There was Aaron’s trial. Honestly it probably would have gone as stressful situations for Neil always go - here and gone just as quickly - except it turns out that Nicky cooks when he’s stressed, and Neil, well, he’s a stress eater.
After Aaron is declared innocent, Nicky resumes as normal. Neil…not quite. He’s constantly opening the cupboards to look for something to eat only to close them again when he finds nothing of interest. Without Nicky cooking, there’s nothing he can easily dig into and Neil, while accumulating many skills over the years, had never been a hand in the kitchen. The only things ready-eat that were consistently in the dorm were ramen and ice-cream. Even the thought of ramen makes Neil want to vomit and Neil wasn’t so desperate that he would resort to eating something as sweet as ice cream. Not that Andrew would let him if he did. (Andrew wasn’t a sharer).
He started to feel hungry.
He was always hungry.
The first few days he started to skip meals, he didn’t even notice he was doing it. Surely he didn’t notice he was doing it.
It’s just -
Here’s the thing.
Maybe he stress eats. Maybe his mother did too. They spent long car journeys with a family sized bag of potato chips resting by the gear stick and they spent half the time stuffing handfuls into their mouths and the other half checking the mirrors for cars that stayed behind them a touch to long. So maybe he stress ate, but it was never because of hunger: it was because of craving. It was because it gave him something to do with his hands. It was only when things quietened down, when the weeks turned long with the monotonous almost-existence that took up the majority of Neil’s life growing up (here’s something no one tells you about life on the run, in between the moments of sheer terror, it’s very very very boring), it was only then, that Neil actually began to feel things like hunger.
So when the hunger pangs began to curdle in his stomach, well, he didn’t mind. It meant he was safe enough to feel the hunger.
Maybe for the first couple of days he didn’t notice it. But then he noticed it.
He noticed enough to avoid things like rice and bread. Danger foods that packed on the calories and that made him bite the inside of his cheek until it bled at the mere thought. He noticed enough that he began to watch the others train and saw their muscles flex and couldn’t help but track their muscle growth and measure it up against his own. He always found himself lacking.
That’s when it started to get worse. If Allison spent 20 minutes on the treadmill. Then Neil would do 30. If Kevin did 40 push ups. Then Neil would do 50. If Renee had a salad for lunch, then Neil would just have a fruit pot.
The first time Andrew noticed that he skipped a meal, Neil just blinked. Being who he was, Neil didn’t do stupid things like stumble for lies and this time was no different. When Andrew asked about him not eating Neil just blinked like he hadn’t even noticed until Andrew brought it up.
He blinked and said “oh, you’re right. I got so caught up in watching exy reruns i didn’t even notice”
He said, “thanks, I’ll grab something in a sec”
Andrew breathed a scoffing breath down his nose, rolled his eyes and called him a junkie. He didn’t look at all surprised, as though Neil was only confirming what he had already guessed. Which of course is the trick all good liars employ.
Neil wondered if he would be surprised if he were to find out how impossible it would be for Neil to forget a meal time. He could never forget. All he thought about was food. It was all he thought about.
Food began to feel like it was all he cared about. Cared about more than school. Cared about more than exy. Is it terrible of him that that more than anything else feels like the worst thing?
And then, as things do, it got worse.
It turned into Neil stood in front of the mirror (looking at his body but not his eyes, never his eyes) and pinching the flesh between his fingers. Noticing every part of him that didn’t harden into muscle like the others. Noticing all the scars that had stretched strangely over a waist and thighs that are no longer as small.
He begins to peck at his food. Rip it into tiny pieces. Andrew looks down at his plate and glowers at him. Neil gives him a cheeky grin. He knows what he’s thinking. That this is just another one of those Andrew-mannerisms that Neil is taking on for himself. Like the sarcastic salutes and the blank, waiting stares. It’s so much easier to hide how little you’ve eaten when it’s all in pieces.
He didn’t know how to explain it. He just knows he needs to be thinner. He needs to weigh less. It’s not about looks. It’s never been about looks. He just needs to do this. He needs to be smaller. It will be alright then. Because then…then…
Well it will be alright then.
So here’s the thing about guilt and self loathing: they’re useless emotions. Andrew would be quick to agree. (Though Andrew is a hypocrite and is chock full of the both of them). His mother would agree too. How many times had Neil slipped poison into someone’s drink, stole from someone just as desperate, shot someone who maybe or maybe-not deserved it? And how many times after that did his mother pinch and prod at him and repeat the same mantra of “don’t you dare let guilt slow you down, you slow down and you’re dead”
Well, Mum, he’s slowed down. He slowed down so much that he’s stopped altogether and guess what? He fucking hates himself.
He replays it all in his head like a terrible loop. The boy in Switzerland that he tricked into taking his jacket so His fathers men would go after him instead. The old women he and his mother tricked into housing them and then slipped something in her tea until she slept and never woke up again. The homeless man who had broken into the house they were squatting in that Neil had shot on instinct. Seth.
Seth. Seth. Seth.
He fucking hates himself. Honestly the hunger pains kind of feel like the best thing he’s ever felt after that. The pain, the ache, he deserves it.
Then it gets worse. Then comes the worst part.
Andrew’s meds change again. The others had begun to make him irritable and he always had an energy crash by about 5pm and a terrible headache. The new ones wouldn’t be of much note as they did nothing groundbreakingly different, short of getting rid of the headaches and not sapping so much of his energy.
Except for one key side effect of the meds.
They suppressed Andrew’s appetite.
More and more Andrew is missing meals. He won’t even eat more than a tablespoon of ice cream. Neil watches him and adjusts himself to suit. He doesn’t know why, but he just can’t be eating more than him, he can’t.
The frustration he feels about Andrew’s meds soon turn to resentment. He hates that he has to watch Andrew not eat and not seem affected by it at all. Andrew lessens his exercise under Betsy’s advice and yet nothing changes. His weight stays the same. He probably even loses some thanks to the loss of muscle. Neil watches and Neil hates. He hates that if he skipped out on training he would pack on the pounds, he hates that his stomach hurt and hurts and Andrew doesn’t spare a thought on food at all.
He starts to avoid the roof. He starts to dodge Andrew’s gaze the same way he does his own in the mirror.
The next time they’re alone and Andrew leans in, more hesitant than he’s been in months, Neil jerks back and snaps “No.”
It isn’t even completely because of the resentment. The majority of it is because he feels disgusting and fat and he can’t bare Andrew touching him right now. Can’t bare him looking at him.
Andrew’s face closes off and he slides back to the other side of the couch. He’s searching Neil’s face, trying to find the misstep, trying to find what he did wrong.
Good, let him think he did something wrong.
Now that’s the resentment.
It’s immediately one of the worst things Neil has ever thought. He remembers sitting, trembling, on the roof, Andrew refusing to touch him saying “I wont be like them, I wont let you let me be”
And Neil’s trying to make him think, wants to make him feel -
Jesus Christ. He’s a piece of fucking shit.
He slams his way out of the dorm and runs and runs and runs.
He sleeps in the locker room and slumps out in the morning so he’s first in the main room for the meeting with Wymack. He sits on a chair that’s as far away from every other seat as it can get while still completing the make do semi-circle around where Wymack usually stands. When the others begin to filter in they take in his new seat, but don’t comment when they see his storming expression.
When Andrew sees him he pauses for a beat in the doorway before continuing to his usual seat on the couch. He stares at Neil blankly, but his hands are clenching and unclenching in his lap. Wymack hesitates but doesn’t say anything. The others play at being uninterested and only Aaron openly looks between Neil and Andrew with a steadyingly darkening expression.
Neil slams his locker and gets changed in the cubicles for the first time in months. He’s vicious in practice. Throwing in as many dirty moves as he can. Andrew stands in the goal and does nothing. When it’s only Wymack’s sharp whistle that stops Neil bringing his racket down on Matt’s arm when he attempts to steal the ball, Neil is benched.
He yanks off his helmet and slumps down on the bench and tries to remember how to breathe through rage.
He’s sat, pinching at the skin on his thigh, for ten minutes before Allison joins him. She holds out a breakfast bar and Neil stiffens.
“Eat, it might help you stop being such a raging asshole,” she says.
Neil takes the breakfast bar and when she doesn’t immediately leave he opens it and snaps a bit off with his fingers.
He stares down the rolled oats and nuts and grimaces at the sticky feeling of the syrup that holds them together. He feels sick.
“Are you going to eat?” Allison says.
Neil looks at her and huffs a bitter breath through his nose. A wry smile pulls at the corner of his lips.
He remembers that Allison battled bulimia for years.
You can’t lie to a liar.
She looks at his face. Concern trying to become anger that she’s trying to force to stay concern. She looks at his face and then over at Andrew, who is stood in his goal watching them as Kevin shouts at him to fucking do something already. She looks back at Neil.
“You know, relationships are hard enough without mental health problems in the mix. Seth and I were a terrible combination for many reasons and that was one them. I’m not saying it can’t be done or that it shouldn’t be done, I’m just saying it makes it so much harder. He used to try to make me eat. I hated him for that. Hated that I had to hide my own habits in my own room. One day, after he stopped me from going to purge one too many times we got into an argument. I said some disgusting things to him. The next day he was in the hospital because of an overdose. He had to get his stomach pumped. You know what the worst thing is? I don’t even remember what it is I said. I don’t know if what I did triggered him or if it would have happened anyway, but it couldn’t have helped. You’re always going to trigger each other at one point or another, it’s unavoidable. But if you know that and you don’t do anything to help yourself…well that’s when every shit thing you think about yourself starts to become true. So tell me, are you a piece of shit that’s going to drag everyone down with you, or are you better than that?”
Neil looks down at the breakfast bar. He still can’t make himself eat it.
He swallows harshly against the lump in his throat. He has to swallow two more times until he’s sure he can talk without crying.
“What’s betsy’s number?” He asks.
Allison doesn’t smile, but she nods like he’s done the right thing and pulls out her phone.
SIDE NOTE: I’d like to point out that Neil is very flawed and toxic in his thinking and Allison is harsh in what she says to him just because she’s a harsh person. If you have an eating disorder I know sometimes help and recovery seems like the worst thing in world and something you really don’t want, but please, please seek help. You can do it.
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meettheprivate · 4 years ago
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Pet Headcanons [TF2 X SO]
Because I am that person.
Absolutely on board with a pet no questions asked: Scout, Soldier, Pyro, Engineer
Hesitant at first but will comply eventually: Demoman, Heavy, Sniper, Medic
Non: Spy
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Scout: Has always wanted a pet, but with so many brothers his ma saw no reason to have yet another animal in the house. If you ask for a dog he will just be ecstatic! He’s always wanted a Boston bullterrier, or maybe a Rottweiler. Something cute but tough just like him! He may complain if you ask for a cat though, and absolutely no birds - traumatic memories of a certain dove come to mind.
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Soldier: Let’s be honest, Soldier has a soft spot for cuddly things - he just doesn’t show it, like, ever. Sure he would much rather have a bald eagle as a pet, but that’s illegal and you (being the smarter of the two of you) have to deny him his right to possess an illegal pet. When you come to a compromise of a dog, he’ll say something to the tune of, “I want the fluffiest, softest, squishiest one they have.” Because he doesn’t want a dog that makes him think of the eagle he couldn’t have. He’d also accept a cat, as long as it’s the biggest asshole they have - which isn’t too hard of an ask.
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Pyro: Admittedly, you’re reluctant to ask Pyro if they want a pet with you, as you’re kinda worried they might do something crazy while in Pyroland to your precious new addition to the family. So you recommend a sturdier pet, like a calico cat. You figure the cat can escape if necessary, and ya’know, they’ve got nine lives (right??). Surprisingly, you find out quickly that Pyro and your cat have formed such a tight bound that they can communicate to one another. Turns out Pyro can make cat friends easily!
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Engineer: This sweet man is no stranger to owning pets. When he was growing up, his family had the sweetest pupper out there: a Golden Retriever named Austin. You decide to surprise him one day by bringing home a golden Labradoodle who you’ve humbly chosen to name Bee. He immediately falls in love with the sweet pup and goes to work to build the dog everything from a bed, toys, their own fancy collar, the works! He even made a metal dog tag shaped like a bee. You start to wonder if he loves the dog more than you - don’t worry, he loves you more than before for getting Bee, but he may love Bee more. Also, don’t be surprised if one day he comes home to surprise you and Bee with a little corgi puppy - so Bee can have a little sibling!
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Demoman: There are a number of reasons why he is reluctant to getting a pet; they’re a lot of work, they can be messy, and they crave attention. He likes dogs, but doesn’t know the first thing about taking care of one, and cats? They remind him of his mum a bit too much. But when you suggest the wild card that is a parrot? SOLD. You both pick out a parrot that matches his team colour and happily take the sweet birb home with you. Demo adores his new friend, because now he feels like a true pirate king. Plus, the bird listens to his drunk ramblings, how could he not love his new friend?
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Heavy: Unlike the others, he has never really had a connection to animals in any way. He used to eat bears to survive, he lived in a gulag, to say concept of a pet was abnormal was an understatement. When you ask, he at first shuts you down immediately, saying he’s too big, and he’d worry about hurting the poor creature. However, you show him the wonderful word of BIG puppers and he’s intrigued, but only slightly. Then you show him a Saint Bernard puppy, and then a full sized one. Heavy finally agrees when you tell him how it is near impossible for him to hurt the sweet big boys, just so long as he doesn’t try to ride one. When you bring your new pup home, Heavy immediately falls in love.
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Sniper: It doesn’t take long to convince him. At first he says no because he doesn’t like normal pets like cats, dogs, birds, etc. But then you throw out the crazy idea of getting a pet wallaby (which is legal in some areas). The man was in TEARS. Now getting the wallaby was no easy feat - let’s just say it pays to know SAXTON HALE! - and when you finally got your joey you both were so pleased. The best part? It was cheap to feed your new pet as they primarily eat grass! A free lawnmower anyone? However, now Sniper’s asking if you’d be on board with getting a koala too. What have you started?
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Medic: His doves are his babies. He thinks you should view them as your babies too and stop fantasizing about getting more pets. That is until you suggest the crazy idea of...Mice. Yes, mice plural. He thinks its a crazy idea, but then thinks about the irony of a doctor, a man of experimental science, and a whacko having pet mice and it just sounds so comical and crazy that he agrees to it. So now the med bay is filled with dove and mice excrement. Delightful. Medic also decided to name each of the mice after his teammates. For some reason he always liked to play with “Spy” by moving him around in his hands. Don’t tease mouse Spy.
Spy: Two words: Pet. Hair. Does he think animals are cute? Sure. He once thought about gifting Scout a bunny to prove a point. But he refused to own one himself, less he ruin his perfectly tailored suit by getting it coated with fur. He offers to buy you anything else to make up for this though, so at least he feels bad for rejecting your request? Also he doesn’t know why, but he feels like he’s begin rocked on a boat or something right now...Maybe it has something to do with Medic’s new pets somehow.
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puckluck28 · 4 years ago
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A Merry Upstead Christmas!
This one is for my lovely Chicago PD Secret Santa recipient @upsteadhc for the prompt: “any prompt from an angst or fluff list” so I figured what’s better than an Upstead pregnancy oneshot. A little bit of angst, a little bit of fluff, I hope you enjoy it! Merry Christmas and a Happy Holiday Season!
*The prompts I’ve used are highlighted in bold. 
For Better or For Worse, Even When Pregnant
Hailey glanced at their front from her spot on the couch in their dimly lit living room before checking the time on her phone for what felt like the hundredth time. At reading the numbers that read 1:28 AM plastered over her background that was a photo of her and Jay from their gender reveal party a few months ago, she sighed and took another sip from her now semi-cold tea. Fighting the urge to close her eyes with each passing moment, she’d been hoping for a voice mail, a quick text, something, anything that would give her enough relief so she could at least attempt to sleep, but there was nothing, and the wait was driving her crazy. Since their last call, there was an uncomfortable feeling eating at her insides, something in the pit of her stomach that had been growing for a few days, and she knew it wasn’t just her nerves growing from being only a week away from her due date. She’d gotten this same feeling a few times in the past few years, and she prayed to God that this time wasn’t like those other times. 
Where the hell are you, Jay?
The unit had caught a big case a week ago: a dead pregnant girl that led the team to an international human and child trafficking ring smuggling young girls from all around the world into the States, forcing them to get pregnant, and selling the babies to God knows what kind of people. It was an understatement to say it was a rough case, even for Intelligence’s standards, and from the limited information Hailey knew about it from her lunch dates with Jay at the precinct, and the occasional calls and visits from Kim and Vanessa so Hailey wouldn’t actually lose her mind staying at home, it wasn’t going to be a walk in the park to solve. 
On a regular night, Hailey wouldn’t worry about Jay staying late to go over evidence or to work on paperwork, especially while they were working a new case, but this time felt different. She couldn’t put her finger on it, but there was something about the way Jay had been especially quiet at home the past few days, those days that he had actually made it home before Hailey went to bed. It was almost as if he had been trying to avoid her, and successfully so. Then there were his texts: one word answers after taking forever to respond, that was if he responded. It wasn’t like she was expecting immediate responses or constant texting either. She knew that whenever a big case, especially something this big hit, it was all hands on deck with no room for distraction, but she at least expected a response, any response, when she asked if he’d be coming home for dinner, or if he was okay.
Now, having been partners with Jay for seven years, dated for two of those and married for one, Hailey could tell when a case, or someone, was irking him. So when he had started acting a little off the first time, she had given it to the combination of the caseload and having to work with a new partner now that she was officially on maternity leave, and done with desk duty, as per Voight and Platt’s orders. Jay’d been looking to find something to complain about his new partner from the day Voight had brought in Detective Aiden Thomas, a freshly minted detective from narcotics, as Hailey’s temporary replacement. Whether it was the way the young detective tabbed evidence files or the way he sipped his coffee during stakeouts, Jay found an excuse to text her, whining about being stuck with the new kid. So when the texts got more staggered and eventually stopped, Hailey had started getting suspicious and when she hit absolute radio silence the entire day that day, with no luck during the night either, Hailey knew it was time to call in back-up.
Around 10:00pm or so, Will had been the first person on her call list, not wanting to alert anyone on the team just yet if the older Halstead could reassure her enough to get that sleep she oh so craved. It also helped that she knew that Will was on call that night, him having shared his work schedule with Hailey since she was so close to her due date and who knew where Jay would be if she went into labor. Unlike his younger brother, Will had picked up Hailey’s call in two short rings. “Hailey? What’s up? Are you okay? Is it the baby?” He had asked in doctor mode. 
“Yea, we’re good. I was calling to see if you heard anything from Jay today?”
“Jay? He was here this morning to talk to an injured suspect but that’s about it.”
“Did you realize anything off with him?”
“Not that I could tell. He and his new partner were in and out. I didn’t even see them leaving.” Hailey sighed in defeat at her brother-in-law’s response. She had really hoped he would say something that would ease her growing nerves. “Hey, is everything okay?”
“Yea, yea things are fine.” Hailey took a deep breath. “I just haven’t heard from him the whole day and he hasn’t come home yet and…” Her voice trailed off as her words died.
“I can-”
“No, that’s alright.” She cut him off, turning down his offer. “I don’t want him to worry if they are working.”
“You sure?”
“Yea, knowing Jay, he’ll think I’m in labor or something and freak out.” She attempted at a joke to hide her worry. 
“You know, it would teach him not to ignore his pregnant wife.” That even earned a soft chuckle from Hailey.
“Thanks, Will. It’s not even that late, I’m sure it’s just me being paranoid.” She tried brushing it off. “You know how much I love staying home all day.”
“Don’t I know it?” Will went along even though he knew that for Hailey to be calling him, she must have a good reason to worry. “You and Jay are the worst people at enjoying doing nothing.”
“Yea, I’m ready to go back to work once your niece finally graces us with her presence.” She told him, her hands instinctively rubbing her 38, almost 39, week along belly at the thought of finally getting to meet her baby.
“I’d be careful wishing on that this close to your due date, Hailey. It might happen any day now.” He jokingly warned her, hoping he was providing some comfort with this distraction.
“I think it’s safe to say when it happens, you’ll be one of the first ones to know. I guess the first one to know if it happens during this call.” Hailey responded, though the only thing she could think of as silence fell was what she’d do if she were to go into labor now and Jay was nowhere to be found.
“Regardless, you know I’m here if you need me.” Will broke the silence.
“Thanks, Will. I’ll let you get back to work.”
“Alright, but seriously, call me if you need anything. I’ll be up all night.”
“I will. Thanks, again. Good luck with your shift.”
“Any time. Now stop worrying about that knucklehead and try to get some sleep.” Will jokingly ordered and with a mumble of agreement, Hailey hung up. Sleep… She really hoped she’d be able to get a little bit of it that night.
She’d given him about an hour after calling Will, called and texted a few times, but when those had gone unanswered once again, she’d moved to the next person on her list and called Kim, really hoping that they were really just working late and she wasn’t waking her up. “Hey, Hails, everything okay?” Like Will, Kim picked up the call in a few rings. It was almost as if everyone who knew Hailey was on call to answer her calls except for her husband. 
“Hey, sorry I’m calling so late. Am I interrupting anything?”
“No, no, actually Kev just came back from a coffee run so I was taking a break.” Kim answered, followed by a yawn. 
“Case wearing you down?”
“It’s a bad one. We found two of our suspects, who of course didn’t go down without a fight. One of them took a bullet to the knee so we are waiting for Med to release him into our custody when he’s done and the other’s downstairs.” Another yawn. “But looks like it’s gonna be a rough night. Well, I guess morning.”
“Everyone okay?” Hailey asked after hearing that their suspect had put up a fight. If he had gotten shot, it meant that he had started the shooting, and her heart started racing thinking all the worst case scenarios. Surely she would have been notified if something serious had happened to Jay, but with the way he had been so distant lately, maybe that had been it: he had gotten injured and was avoiding her calls. 
“Everyone’s good, came out without a scratch.” Hailey released the breath she hadn’t realized she’d been holding. “Hey, is everything okay with you?” Kim asked upon hearing Hailey’s loud exhale of breath. “Oh my god are you in labor?”
“No, everything’s good here. No baby just yet.” She answered quickly, getting that out of the way. “I was calling to see if Jay’s around. I’ve tried calling him a few times but his phone kept going to voicemail, but I guess you guys are busy so I’ll let you go.”
“Ummm, Hails, Jay left a while ago.”
“Oh?” Kim’s answer took Hailey by surprise, an unpleasant one. She lost her train of thoughts and stuttered as she tried finding the words to ask her next question. “Did he- umm, did he say where he was going?”
“No, sorry. We all figured he was gonna go home and get some sleep. It’s been a rough day for him.”
“What happened? Is he okay?” It felt weird to not know that Jay’d had a rough day. It felt weird being the one to ask what was happening with him. 
“One of the suspects we caught turned out to be ex-military. Someone Jay knew back in the day.” Kim told her. “I think Jay was hoping the lead would turn out to be bogus since his name came up a few days ago but…” The rest was obvious. Finding out an old buddy involved in such a disgusting case must have taken a toll on him, and understandably so. What Hailey couldn’t figure out was why he hadn’t talked to her about it, and the question hurt her more than she thought it would. “Jay must have gone on a drive or something. I’m sure he’s on his way home though.” 
“Yea, yea, you’re right. I’ve probably just been losing my mind from having to stay home.” She tried laughing it off again, just like she had done it with Will, but this new found
“Oh, tell me about it! A few days is enough to drive you insane.” Kim commented, as bittersweet it was, remembering having to stay back during her short lived pregnancy so many years ago. 
“Oh yea.” Hailey tried acting her usual chipper self but the fake smile plastered on her face failed to reach her voice. “Anyway, I should let you enjoy your break.”
“You sure everything’s okay?”
“Yea, yea, everything’s fine. I’m getting pretty tired anyway and you guys are busy.” She added a fake yawn to her sentence which made Kim yawn as well. “Thanks for the conversation.”
“You want one of us to drop by? I know Kevin’s about to head home for a quick nap and-”
“No, that’s fine.” Hailey cut her friend off before she could finish the sentence. “It’s pretty late.”
“Alright, well Adam, V and I are gonna be staying here tonight if you need anything. Just give us a call, alright?”
“Thanks, Kim. I really appreciate it. Enjoy your break and good luck!”
“Good night, Hails.” The line went dead, leaving Hailey to her thoughts, wondering where her husband was, worst case scenarios running through her head. The last time he had gone awol, he’d gotten kidnapped, shot and almost died. She couldn’t go through that again. Not now. Not when they were about to have it all. With tears in her eyes, Hailey swore he would never forgive Jay if he left them alone.
About another hour or so later, the clock almost hitting three in the morning, Hailey was just about ready to give up, go to bed. She was exhausted, achy, and really, all she wanted was to know that Jay was safe. They could deal with this, whatever it was, in the morning. Hell she didn't even care if it meant that he’d continue avoiding her, and she’d have to wobble to the precinct in her pajamas. That being said, she knew sleep was her enemy tonight and the moment she would decide to go to bed, the oh so tempting sleep that had been trying to pull her into dreamland would disappear the moment her head’d hit the pillow. Not that sleep was really an option with their daughter kicking up a storm in her belly either.
“It’s okay, munchkin.” Hailey rubbed the spot she kept feeling the kicks. “It’s all gonna be okay.” Realizing she had no tea left, she threw her blankets off and stood up to stretch. If she was going to stay up, she needed to keep herself otherwise occupied. “Let’s get mommy some tea and you some of those cookies you crave so much.”
Hailey was about to head to the kitchen to get herself another cup of tea and get a snack when the sound of the door opening startled her. Her head instinctively turned towards the source of the noise, and watched frozen as Jay’s silent silhouette moved in the foyer. She held her breath as her eyes followed his every move: The way he snuck into his own house, the way he took his jacket and shoes off as quietly as possible, thinking Hailey was already asleep, the way he tiptoed further into the dark house.  Watching his arm reach for living room light switch, Hailey prepared herself to face their current situation, and when the lights turned on, bringing the couple face to face, a loud silence surrounded them. “Hails? Why are you awake? Everything okay? Is it the baby?” Jay listed his questions, alarmed. 
“Yea, yea we are fine but I guess I should be the one asking you that.” Hailey shot back, needing him to know that what happened today was NOT okay. “What’s going on, Jay?”
“Nothing, nothing. I’m fine.” He gave her his staple bullshit of an answer as he walked further in and towards her in the living room. “Just a long day at work.”
“Well, I know for a fact you’re not “fine”, so wanna try again?” Hailey crossed her arms over her chest, her words stopping him on his tracks to walk over to greet her.
“I-” He started but seemed to be at a loss of words. 
“Jay, I’m worried about you.” She cut him off at the realization that he needed a push before he’d really open up. “You haven’t picked up your phone or answered any of my texts and I had to find out from Kim that you had a rough day. What’s going on?”
“Hails, I’m just really tired and just want to go to sleep.” He was hiding behind an excuse, but at least it was an honest one, and Hailey considered that a good start.
“Alright, if that’s what you want, we can go to bed. I’m glad you’re safely home.” She told him with a flat yet soft tone. She didn’t want to discourage him from opening up, but his actions had terrified and hurt her, and she couldn’t just pretend that it was all fine now that he was home. “But we are gonna talk about this, Jay.” She added, letting him know he wasn’t off the hook. “What happened today, the radio silence… The last time that happened, I almost lost you and the thought of losing you, especially while I can’t even be out there,” The memory of what Angela Nelson put them through hitting her straight in the pregnancy hormones and feelings, she could feel tears welling in her eyes, but she wouldn’t cry. She refused to. “It, it terrified me,” She looked down her body in an attempt to avoid his eyes and blink away the tears as she protectively put both her hands on her bulging belly. “It terrified us.” She sighed. “We, we have to talk about it.”
“I can’t do anything right, can I?” Jay muttered more to himself than Hailey, disappointed in himself. He knew he was in the wrong. He knew he shouldn’t have pushed Hailey away, but this case, these past few days, then what happened in the morning… It had brought up so many painful memories, so much rage, so much fear that he simply hadn’t known where to start. “You must hate me for what I put you through today, huh?”
“I don’t hate you, Jay. I will never hate you.” Hailey’s voice softened. “But I hate that after all this, you’re still trying to lie to me.”
“Hails…”
“Yes, Jay?”
“This case has been terrifying.” He started to confess. “When we found that pregnant girl, the way her body was left behind, all I could think of was you and what I would do if I found you like that.” He was finally opening up. “Then we found out that one of the suspects is an old army buddy of mine and when we interviewed him today…” He shook his head, the memory of the interrogation room replaying in his mind and he collapsed on the couch in defeat. “He looked me in the eyes and said “You’d make pretty babies. Should consider changing careers.” with the smuggest smile, and Hailey, the things I wanted to do to him for bringing our kid into it… And then all my anger turned into this fear of failing you and Aislyn and, God, Hailey, it paralyzed me. I couldn’t think of anything else.”
“Jay,” She got it. She really did, but the silence and distance had hurt. “Holding everything in doesn’t help you know.” She told him as she walked over to take a seat next to him and put a supportive hand on his back. “Why didn’t you tell me what was happening?”
“I know I should have.” He looked at her with tear sheathed eyes, his greens tired and broken. “I mean I know I could have come to you. I trust you more than I ever trust myself, but I didn’t want to worry you especially with how close you are to your due date. It felt like by burdening you with my worries, I’d be failing you two before we even became parents.”
“I understand, Jay, but not knowing what was going on with you and having to call our friends and family only to find out from Kim that you’ve been having a rough time with this case worried me so much. I felt like an outsider and not your wife and best friend.” She took a deep breath, giving Jay some time to process her words. “Your worries and fears and rage will never be a burden on me, Jay. We said for better or for worse when we said I do. Being pregnant doesn’t change that.”
“God, I love you and I’m so damn sorry.” Jay pulled Hailey into his body and apologized with a broken voice upon realizing how much he had hurt her. The last thing he wanted to do had been to hurt her, but he realized trying to not be a burden was more hurtful to their partnership than anything. “I promise I’ll do better.”
“I know you will.” Hailey snuggled into his embrace before turning in his arms to be able to look him in the eyes again. “I love you, Jay.” She cupped his cheek in her one hand, and grabbed and guided his hand to rest over her belly with her other. “We love you. Unconditionally. Just remember that the next time you feel overwhelmed and I’m not there.” Feeling their daughter’s kicks under their palms, Jay leaned down to press a kiss on her lips; a kiss meant to seal his promise, to show his love, to give them both hope that they were stronger for facing their challenges. 
Their last few days had really taken a toll on both of them, but with everything out in the open now, and promises of love and hope had been made, they knew they could tackle anything as long as they trusted in each other, even when they didn’t trust themselves. 
So when they finally got into bed, tightly holding one another close, their daughter’s soft movements between them, they finally got the relieved rest they had been needing that day.
- @puckluck28
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ofmythsandmadness · 4 years ago
Text
i need a favour - seven.
PART SEVEN - bullet wounds and wounded hearts. (or, in which, they’re just too eager for some relief from the pain that no one gives a shit about labels anymore). WORD COUNT - 3318. A/N - forgot i wrote this, forgot about it for months & here we are. sorry. i’ve not really had much interest in writing this or anything in this style on here lately, but i didn’t want to leave this totally abandoned. figured, there’s no point in letting it rot away, might as well post (and for some reason, there’s been a spur in people reading this, so.) START FROM THE BEGINNING - one | two | three | four | five | six
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PEOPLE THEORIZE A LOT ABOUT COMAS. And more specifically, what they do to a person.
More specifically than that, where a person goes, once in one. What the mind and psyche creates for them, where and when they escape off to while their body falls apart. If they relive their life’s best and worst moments until they can return to reality, if they dream on continuously - like the world was just one bad trip, and waking up they would not even realise their sleep had lasted more than a day. Or, if the person’s aware of everything around them, just unable to open their eyes and rejoin life - but maybe that was something totally different entirely.
But it was nothing like that, for her.
There was no way to tell just how much time transpired, when out; it could have been an hour, a couple days, three years tossed down the drain, for all she knew. Time moved so much differently, lost in the hellish dreamscape of the inbetweens of life and death. 
For the most part, she felt absolutely nothing at all. Not even a sense of drowning, or darkness, or anything around her; like she was dead, her brain was turned off, and really...nothing at all. The only way she knew she was still alive and things were happening was when her brain woke up just a little, enough to send her into panics she could not express. She still could not move or speak or fucking breathe on her own, but she felt the world crashing in, sluggish and deafening around her. People moving around her, voices, loud noises echoing like crashes and explosions that she could not place. It felt like she had been laid down in a warzone, paralysed from head to foot and forced into silence. Just waiting for her eventual death.
And the voices...she really could not distinguish most. Or if they were even real. She got flashes of familiarity, phrases and sentences that added up to only nonsense in her mind - threats of violence, promises, old memories so faded they might as well be someone else's. None of it made sense. It just made her feel more and more scared, and trapped, every time she ‘woke up’ again. Left her craving the still of death once more, waiting for its skeletal hands to cradle her trembling figure again.
Finally, however, she heard the first real sound in a long time. She left the stillness to a strange noise, not a voice but a repetitive beep that would not turn off. At first, she thought it was also in her mind and that if she just ‘shut’ her eyes, sleep would once more overtake her - but despite her mental protests, the sound wouldn’t stop. If anything, it got louder, forcing her forward until she could just about think of opening her eyes.
And then, the beeps were joined by another sound; soft, almost non-existent mumbles, or snuffling of something? Something alive, not a machine, but...Y/N wasn’t sure what it was at first. 
That was, until she began to move. With all the strength possessed in her frail figure, she pushed her lids open, blinking away copious tears welling at the bright light and forcing her eyes to work again.
She found herself in a small, white room - and though her mind seemed a million miles away, she could sort of guess it was a hospital room. There really was not much around her, the bed being the main furniture. The beeping came from her right, and she was able to crane her neck just enough to see some sort of monitor, the sort she would have seen on a crappy doctor’s show. With flashing lights and graphics she really couldn’t make out and honestly just hurt her head. She turned away from that pretty fast.
To her left, however, was a different story. She found the other source of the noise; Diego was slumped over in a chair too bony to be comfortable, softly snoring away. Which was never a good sign. The man was a quiet, still sleeper, like he was always waiting for something to happen - but after too long without sleep, his body would collapse into emergency catch-up mode. She had seen it many times after he’d come to her. And he always snored then.
She sighed, letting her head fall back against the pillow. There was no pain, which she guessed was either good or bad (who knew what the doctors were pumping through her veins, eh?) but her mouth was bone dry and she felt helpless, like even calling out for Diego was a deathly trial.
Y/N craned her neck again, taking his slumped figure in. He was almost right next to her bed, close enough that if she could reach out -
-her hands shook like tsunami waves, crashing against his black jacket like jagged knives of limestone on a cliff. She just could not find strength enough to angle them right, finding herself only able to brush the man and hope he felt her touch from wherever he had drifted to. Forget calling out; she could only mimic motion in the barest of touches, waiting for something to happen.
Luckily, it only took maybe a minute for him to stir. Slowly at first, then when realising what woke him up, he was up in seconds. His hands met her own, squeezing tight.
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” he croaked out, voice hoarse and worn out - she could only imagine how much stress-induced yelling he had been doing. Begging for something to be done, snapping at anyone who tried to get him to move; the guy was all too predictable. “I just fell asleep, I-”
“-s….okay…” Her vocal cords felt rusted over; how long had it been since she spoke? Her hand left his, gesturing weakly towards her throat. “Wa...wa...ter?”
“Shit, right.” He left her side and grabbed at a glass by her right. Within a moment he was by her left again, bringing it up to her lips. His hands shook ever so slightly. “Careful.”
But she ignored his word and slurped at it eagerly, too parched to be ashamed at how childlike her actions were. Too long had her throat been forced dry - how long had it been since the relief of a glass of water? 
Once she had drunk enough, she waved it away, doing her best to smile. “Thanks.”
“Course.” His eyes remained on hers, steady and dark. “How...how are you feeling?”
She glanced away for a moment to look down at herself in the bed, before looking back. Slowly, Y/N shrugged. “M’not sure...weird. I don’t know how I should feel.”
“Right. Well, you’re on a shit load a’drugs, so I guess that’s stopping the pain. Uh...you remember what happened?”
She frowned. “Sort of. More...I don’t know. Remember the pain...like burning, on my side. Talking...was there a Polish chick?”
Diego didn’t crack even the tiniest of smiles. “Ukranian. But yeah. She was with you when it h-hi-she called the ambulance.”
“Right.”
“Look, Y/N, I am so-”
Before he could continue, a new voice joined the duo, one Y/N was certain she did not know. She tore her eyes away from the man by her side to take him in; tall, gray-haired and smiling from ear to ear. It made her a little uneasy, the look; was this how all gunshot victims were treated? With doctors who thought big grins and happy tones were a good answer? If she didn’t already have a headache, she would by just one look his way.
“Good to see you up! Was wondering when that’d be happening.” He seemed to grin even larger, if that was even possible, and made his way around her bed. She watched him fiddle with something behind her, before moving into her view once more. “How are you feeling?”
“Um...weird,” she mumbled, struggling to find any words to describe the feeling. “Tingly.”
“No pain?”
“Not really.”
He nodded. “Good. You’re going to be hopped up on pain meds for a while, but just let someone know when you start feeling anything.”
“Okay.”
Once more, he nodded. He looked like a bobblehead, almost, in the ways his head swivelled and shook on his too-small neck. “You got quite lucky, I must say. Good support system. This guy, right here? Barely moved at all while you were out.”
Her hand squeezed a little, in Diego’s. “How long was I out?”
“About three days, after surgery.”
“S-surgery?”
His grin got a little strained, there, but somehow still remained. Impressive. “Yes. Yeah, we had to get you straight into intensive care after you were brought in. The bullet hit your right hip, just about here-” he grazed the blanketed leg lightly, “-but then travelled downwards into your leg. Which was somewhat good, you avoided serious damage to your hip, but it did nick your femoral artery.”
Y/N frowned, glancing down to where his hand hovered. She could not even remember feeling pain in her leg; it had radiated from her hip alone. “How...how did it go down?”
“Well,” the man sighed, “from what we could gather, you were at just the right angle for the bullet to go straight through the hip. Since it didn’t hit that bone - again, a lucky point on your part, it tore right through and down to your upper thigh. The bullet actually remained lodged, which made reason for surgery. If it had come straight through, well, I don’t know what situation we’d be in but you were very fortunate. Held you from bleeding out on us.”
Something about the emphasis on ‘lucky’ made her feel somehow worse. Like she was a kid all over again, and before getting the bad news, her parents had to amp up the few ‘good’ things about the situation. She really wished he would stop smiling.
“How much...I…” she weakly lifted her hands, gesturing downwards. “How much damage has been done? In simple terms...please.”
His grin shrank a little more. “Well, that’s a bit complicated. The surgery was a success, although there were several blood transplants needed to cover that hit your artery sustained. However, because of said bleeding, and the way the bullet hit, it will be a long recovery time. The leg muscles are built to be used, but when damaged as yours was, well - I can bring in the charts and explain this to you simply, if you want?”
Y/N bit her lip, hard enough to rip through. Absent-mindedly, she noticed the taste of blood, licking a bead of red off. “Long?”
“The timeframe is hard to estimate,” he said - and at least that time, he had the courtesy to look semi-apologetic. “After a couple days, we’ll check in and see how well the limb is functioning, if the muscles are healing properly. You should be able to head home by that time, if it's healing right. But I’m afraid you're not going to be able to use the actual limb for a while.”
Vaguely, from what felt like far away, she heard Diego curse. The doctor kept talking, throwing around words she could not understand, verbal warfare against her already panicking mind, creating a chasm of stress and fear inside her brain. She wanted to do something, reassure him, ask the doctor what she could do and when - but it was impossible when she herself was drowning in panic.
Where had Diego gone? Why did he feel so far away? He sat beside her, but his hands were fidgeting and his face tight, and she just wanted him to tease her, hug her, promise her that she wasn’t lo-
“-judging by your faces, this isn’t sounding great but I promise, you’re in the best possible case scenario. I mean, you got here at the best time, you’ve had the best working to put you back together. And physical therapy will be a big help, you’ll be recommended some top-tier-”
“-whenwillIbebetter?” 
Her words were hardly a breath, leaving right along with the little air in her system, but Diego still heard it. He clutched tight to her tsunami waves for hands and looked pleadingly the doctor’s way. “Can we h-have a moment?”
“I-” his eyes darted between the two, before resigning to an answer. “Sure. A nurse will be in at five, with me. Let me know if anything happens.”
Diego just nodded and watched him leave. The second he was out the door, he turned her way, hands moving from hers to hold her face, brush away the tears quickly slipping down her cheeks. Blearily, she made out his own eyes, swimming with emotions she had not seen from him in a long, long while. “Hey. Hey, it’s - it’s g-g-gonna-”
“-I got shot,” she huffed, struggling to get the words out between sobs. “I got shot, I got - I can’t walk?”
“That’s not -”
“-holy shit, Diego,” she cried, and in an instant his arms were around her, holding her as close as he could to his own trembling figure. She tried to talk, but failed and simply gave into the sobs. Words struggled to make their way through, really indiscernible and lost. Whatever it was, Diego could probably guess the point they were making - and it did not ease the guilt bubbling in his stomach for a second.
“I’m so fucking stupid,” she whispered, sobs turning into quick huffs of breaths caught like she was running out of air. “You - the guy - the way he talked - I’m so fucking-g screwed.”
“Don’t say that.”
“That’s how they do it, don’t they? Make you feel...lucky, like you dodged a -” she stopped to snort, like any of this was funny - “-a bullet, but you’re really screwed.”
“Stop.”
“What if I never walk again?”
His arms stiffened around her - only for a second, but enough for her to notice. It was not a thought only she had had. What more did he know? “I...l-look, you’ve always said it best. Look at the bright side.”
She slipped out of his grasp then, pulling back so he could see her face. Stained with tears and puffy, with red and dark circles alike taking a toll on the previously bright expression. She was scared, and rightfully so. 
“I don’t know how to do that,” she mumbled, staring him down as though somehow, she could give him all the fear through her eyes, make him feel all the things she did. And maybe she could, because the longer he looked, the harder it felt to keep his own composure. 
“I don’t know how to do that...not with this.”
Diego didn’t say anything to that. All he did was hold her a bit tighter and sigh heavily as he traced circles into her back with shaking hands. In return she used his shoulder as a tissue and openly sobbed, uncaring as to who saw or what repercussions came. As far as she could see, it didn’t matter anyways. Did it?
“What do I do now?”
Her words were soft, kitten mews into the heavy silence. Accented only with another heavy sob.
“I don’t know, Y/N.”
She cried a little harder. His arms couldn’t hold her close enough.
“But I’ll be right there with you. M’not letting you go, not now.”
She sniffled. “Don’t say that.”
“Why? I mean it.”
“I’m a fuck-”
“-shut up,” he murmured, hand finding hers and closing over it. He held it to his own pounding heart. “I’ll be there. That’s that. Okay? W-whatever happens, I will be there.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah.”
Y/N shut her eyes and leant her head against his dampened shoulder. She let herself focus on the sound of his heartbeat and the steadily beeping machines, somehow a semi-relaxing melody despite the stress behind each. She squeezed his fingers gently.
“O...kay. Okay.”
She felt his lips meet the crown of her hair, then his own head fall against hers. And then it was just nothing more than the two of them. A small duo, amidst the chaos of it all, finding just a moment of peace before things got even worse.
That was not the end of her tears shed that day, far from it. She cried more than she had in years, maybe more than her entire life. She cried when her sister came, when her dad showed up and told her her mother couldn’t get away from work, she bit through her lip trying to hold back the tears when her class’ warm messages of ‘get better’ finally got delivered. The dam was broken; the water dripped freely down her cheeks, waterfalls of emotions held back for too long.
Six weeks was a minimum of her being able to properly walk again, and it felt like it was a lifetime. The doctor broke down physical therapy rules, recovery times, prescriptions and all the ways she could be fucked otherwise by this wound, and the nurse pumped her to the brim with all sorts of medicines she couldn’t begin to pronounce. Her sister pretended to cry before leaving and her dad drank through six straight coffees, dumping packet upon packet of Splenda until the garbage can was filled with paper and cardboard cups. The doctor droned on and on, and the nurse kept ‘checking up on her’, and everyone kept wishing her fake sentiments and fake smiles that might as well be placebos, sent to placate her weakening psyche.
It was only hours later, when there was any relief. When they were all gone, and yet for some reason, Diego stayed.
“Don’t’cha have to…” she cleared her throat, trying to speak past the lump in her throat. “Y’know. Fight crime? Play neighbourhood superman tonight?”
Diego shook his head. His grasp on her hand tightened and it was only then when she realised how long he had held on. She had gotten used to the feeling, with her own fingers limp and weak throughout the day, and yet he had traced steady circles into her skin for the entire day and into the night.
“Not tonight.”
“Diego...I’ll be okay.”
He shook his head. “No.”
“Just go, I’ll-”
“-m’not leaving,” he grunted, firm and hoarse. He ducked his head so she could not see his expression, but Y/N did not have to see his face to know what he was thinking. “S’all.”
She was exhausted and still weak, and the limbs that did work didn’t seem to want to, but still she tried. Y/N adjusted herself on the hospital bed and laced her fingers properly through his, gripping tighter than she could all day. His head moved at that, but did not lift.
Carefully, she lifted their joined hands to her chapped lips, pressing a soft kiss to his knuckles. The lump in her throat grew larger, and she found herself unable to speak more than a ‘thank you’, but maybe it was more than suffice, for the two of them.
Only then did their eyes meet, and his other hand moved to grip tight to theirs. Diego’s lips quivered, but he stayed silent, simply letting go of the breath held back in his own throat. Their faces remained close, separated only by their own hands, but holding onto the matched caring gaze reflected on both of their faces.
There was a feeling of mutual fear, and grief, and shame and loss that ascended the wound - years of pain between the two of them that sped up to meet this moment joyfully. But they did not speak on any of it. Just held tight to one another, even as her hands grew weary and trembling and his gaze grew dark.
She fell asleep looking at him, and feeling finally, the littlest bit of hope.
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ellsey · 4 years ago
Text
Agents of Shield Rewatch 7x09 As I Have Always Been
First of all, we’re not going to discuss how many times I’ve seen this episode because...welll...the number is pretty high. But this is legit my #1 favorite episode of all time. This episode is an example of this show firing on all cylinders and just at it’s absolute best. And it’s really one of the last times we get to see our family all working together, and that’s where I think this show gets its strength. 
Anyway, this may get super long idk I just have a lot of feelings about this ep.
The number of times Chloe must have had to film waking up in this thing is probably pretty high
Ok first things first, my very favorite thing is Sousa using that box of gloves as a pillow because having spent a good portion of my lower to mid-20s in labs I will not pretend like I haven’t considered doing that
“I was so much happier asleep” MY MOOD EVERY SINGLE DAY
94 km away...I’m going to try and keep track of these numbers
Sousa’s face at the smell of Deke’s 80′s cologne hahahaha
And now we’re in our loop #2 (but who knows the real number)
Ok, since I used to be a med tech (aka I worked in a hospital lab), I have questions about why they have so many green and blue tubes there. I mean...green tops are heparin tubes so I guess you can use those for basic chemistry tests, so that might be usable for multiple things. But those blue tops? That’s sodium citrate and the only thing I know of we used those for were coagulation tests. Which require some specific equipment. Does Jemma plan to run that many PT/PTTs?? And on what???
LOOK I HAVE A LOT OF QUESTIONS ABOUT THAT OK
And yes I remember those anticoagulants by heart still
The repeating title card is :chef’s kiss:
Daisy very quickly realizes she’s looping
91 km now
I’m wondering if there was something cut here by the way Sousa says, “See?” to Simmons as if we are missing some part of a conversation they had
My guess would be Jemma was all “You can go rest in your bunk you know Agent Sousa” and he’s like “Nope, gotta make sure Daisy rests” and Jemma’s like “...do you though?” and Sousa’s all “Yep. She will not do it on her own. Trust me.”
Maybe there’s enough for a fic plot in there
Ok, we’re now on loop #3
Daisy also very quickly realizes that she’s waking Sousa up with her boots and is very quiet so he can get some sleep
Awwww
I kind of wish I knew what May was sensing from Daisy right about now
I love love that Robo Coulson is so over this
The way he says “This guy” KILLS ME
So Coulson knows of 87 loops, but we know in this case Daisy didn’t wake him for 2 loops this time...we’re going to be doing some mathing soon lads
Also we just covered loops #4 and #5 since the ep started
Coulson says this is loop #90 which matches up still
And loop #6 for us now
Daisy was kind of loud there but didn’t wake up Sousa sooo...idk
79 km now
I love that Daisy realizes that to solve faster she needs the entire team
This must be loop #7 because Deke now says they are 65 km from the vortex
“It’s kind of hard to access” YOU DON’T SAY
And now people know about Jemma’s implant which...FINALLY
Phlebotinum is an amazing word bless
Making yourself cough like that seems like a rough day of filming 
And directing
Deke’s face when Nana is dead though :(
Loop #8
It was sabotage!!!
But also Daisy died so we’re starting over memory-wise
Loop #9
48 km
Daisy legit forgot about her boots waking Sousa up too ha
Loop #10
And this time we wake up Coulson again
41 km
Enoch, Deke, and Jemma standing there is so freaking hilarious
Jemma is so done even though she doesn’t remember any of this hahaha
Loop #11
This is the one where we try to get Elena out and helping
Loop #12
Phlebotinum!
Sousa finally woke up on his own I guess
That smile when he says, “Reminds me of my SSR days” like
He lives for this chaos he just doesn’t want to admit it
Also look at him being a smart agent here
And let’s talk about the trust Sousa has in Daisy for a sec
He not just immediately believes her about the time loops, but he immediately understands what she is saying about what is happening. Thus he knows this isn’t really a sacrifice play because he’ll come back AND he’ll have saved her the trouble of forgetting. But also, he trusts her so implicitly that he’s willing to risk his life for her. 
It’s beautiful y’all
And poor Daisy has to add watching Sousa die to her list of traumas cool cool cool
Although that does give me writing ideas...
Loop #13
Daisy immediately pops up to ensure herself that Sousa is still there napping away and like
I legit thought this was going to be the peak Dousy moment in this episode when she stops and just watches him breathing for a bit hahaha
She does not want to leave him there either and then the way she says, “We’re making progress” then adds a kind of soft “thanks to Sousa” like
Daisy is going through some stuff here
Coulson is going through some stuff too
Clark Gregg is killllllling this
And Coulson realizes that Enoch is the problem
“Oh dear” ENOCH HAHAHAHA
Loop #14
“Why do you care?” “Because you don’t”
Ummmmm MY HEART
But Daisy is not just accepting that he’s willing to die for her, she wants to know why now
Which obviously we will circle back to in a few loops or so
See, Jemma says she has to be awake to remove them implant...I guess the difference before was that Enoch wasn’t removing it?
Idk that makes no sense
Loop #15
Send in Sousa to distract Enoch
That “Hello!!” omg Sousa no
Sousa is surprisingly bad at this
Sousa’s muffled “Sorry” KILLS ME
As does Daisy’s face
Loop #16
Appeal to Enoch’s sense of irony
Loop #17
Have Jemma countermand her previous order
Loop #18
Bring in the whole gang
EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS KILLS ME
“Where’d he get all those weapons?”
Poor dead Deke
Them realizing it doesn’t matter because they’ll all come back
The way May looks like she’s relaxing
Sousa’s feet framing Daisy’s face
Legit this is amazing and I love it
Loop #19
“Actually, I can take a loop” 
WE LOVE TO SEE IT
“It all phases me, just maybe not my face”
Ummmmm sir
Your face
While lovely it definitely gives you away
The saddest thing to me about this is that Daisy can’t seem to understand why he’s always willing to help and wants to watch over her. It’s like she still doesn’t think she’s worthy of being treated like this.
“Some of my favorite people are people like you” I CRY
Whew there’s a lot to parse here. 
First of all, I think Daisy actually really likes that Sousa is seemingly not phased by anything (or at least, not super bothered by it) because her life is always going to be chaotic that’s just facts
Second, in this very short time of knowing her, Sousa definitely has her pegged. He knows that she craves other people, but is also probably a bit scared to want to be around other people. He knows she’s hopelessly stubborn, but that’s because she cares so much. And he knows that she needs someone to have her back no matter what, because she won’t have her own.
Of course, there’s also a personal element here as indicated by the next part of their conversation. 
Also of note, when Daisy is pressing with the questions, wanting to know why he’s always there for her, she’s leaning forward while he sits back. 
Now though, when the question is a bit more personal, she sits back in a very protective stance. I think she’s a little scared of what he’ll say to her question. Because she realizes that she likes him. A lot. And what if he’s just like a generally good guy and this has nothing to do with her?
But of course, it has everything to do with her as indicated by what Sousa says next. “Not for everyone. It helps if they’re fun to be around, and if they say what they mean, and if they have that super power where they can rock things around which is very impressive.”
And Daisy’s immediate response?? SHE SMILES. Like...this is what she needs and what she wants but what she’s been too afraid to go after. And here it is just falling in her lap.
Now that everything is out in the open, they are both leaning towards each other...
Also I love that she says, “That’s awfully specific” and he doesn’t shy away from her. He just agrees with her. They both know what that really means.
And they both like it
Legit here I was chanting KISS KISS KISS but I thought it was a missed moment
I am so happy I was wrong
So the new plan is to misdirect Enoch by having Sousa go in to take the implant out, but really Sousa is leading Enoch into a fight with him, Mack, May, and Elena and like what a squad
But also this was a super plan, and I wonder if Coulson was involved or if this was Daisy/Sousa original
Either option seems likely
“Next time, same thing but faster” 
Daisy is really good at following instructions y’all
Loop #20
Daisy asks for help and Sousa immediately agrees to help and THAT IS WHAT DID IT FOR DAISY JOHNSON FRIENDS
Like...I know she’s feeling under the gun for time because Coulson said same thing but faster
But also, peak romance is someone just wanting to help her no questions asked which, given her history makes complete sense
She needs a constant, someone who will be there for her no matter what
I feel like this started in some ways with Lincoln. He was just so sweet and helpful to her. And granted he had his own demons to deal with, but in the end he was willing to give up everything to save the world and Daisy herself.
But he also showed Daisy that she could expect love and support and she was worthy of that (even if she doubted it later)
So here’s this guy, who’s just smart and kind and good and clearly into her
So, knowing that this could be one of her lasts chance to do this and realizing that at any rate he’ll totally forget about it anyway, she makes a move
And like this kiss?? It’s hot y’all
You can tell Daisy just like lol Imma kiss him, but then they are both caught in this moment and go back for me
But also he definitely led for that second kiss 
“That was nice” like hahahaha amazing undersell Daisy
And then she traces his collarbone like whoa I need to fan myself for a bit
“Now we need to drop a space robot”
I can’t tell what Sousa is more confused by- that statement or the kiss itself
Imagine being Sousa though. You just got woken up by this beautiful woman who asks for you help then kisses you when you say “Sure thing.”
He’s truly living the dream
Oh also we’re 11 km from the vortex now
It turns out Enoch is the answer to all our problems
But also we have to kill him in the process :(
And then poor Simmons has a breakdown over leaving Alya presumably, but also she’s a better mom than me because after 3 years in space with one of my little super geniuses I’d be more than ready for a vacay idk
I love my kids but they are...a lot
And finally, Loop #21
I guess Daisy left Sousa to sleep for this loop
<1 km from the vortex too eek
Enoch immediately understands what is happening :(
I love that Enoch has reached the point where he feels like this entire crew is his family and would sacrifice themselves for him
Enoch didn’t feel lonely until he had friends :((
This whole thing is breaking my heart...not just Enoch in the process of dying, but Coulson actually talking about his deaths and Daisy having to try and process all this
“Yet, this is the nature of families. I have seen it countless times on countless worlds. People arrive so we celebrate, and people leave us, so we grieve. We do what we can with the time in between, but the cycle is always there. No one escapes it. Not even me.”
This really got to me. My family has changed a lot through the years. People have come and gone. Babies have been born. People have died. And nothing I do can change this cycle. Sometimes it makes me happy; sometimes it hurts. But nothing I do can change that process, and that’s not always easy for me to accept.
I think Daisy and Coulson are having a moment here too, where Daisy is telling both Coulson and Enoch that even though they are not human, that doesn’t make them any less alive to the people who love them
RIP Enoch, you were the bestest Chronicom to ever robot
And of course we get one last buzzkill with Nathaniel and Kora
Queen Kora you deserve better
Ok first some timeloop math. We saw 21 loops on screen, but loop #5 was loop #90 for Coulson. So if we figure Daisy died say...every 10-15 ish time loops and it took her 2 or 3 to wake Coulson up, we can probably add an additional 25 time loops or so. So we’re probably looking at around 130 loops roughly.
Of course this begs the question, did Daisy decide to kiss Sousa more than once? It’s possible. I kind of like to think she did. 
First of all, mad props to Joel for nailing that death scene. He was absolutely incredible. And clearly this episode rates 1000000000/10 on the Dousy scale because like...everything. The talk, the kiss, the sacrifice...amazing. I was 95% sure I was getting ending Dousy after this. This episode also gets 50000/10 on the Teamwork! scale because our team did so well and were strongest when they worked together. And of course Enoch gets a 10000000000000000/10 on the Good Chronicom scale because he legit was the bestest Chronicom that could ever not-live.
Since we’re in a timeloop and not in a particular time period, I’m going with the Dousy-est of songs, “peace” by Taylor Swift.
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prismatica-the-strange · 3 years ago
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Au Zombie apocalypse (but more like the movie Fido
While I did watch the film (and absolutely loved it!), I didn't really know how to write it as an AU, so I went more for a 7 Days to die meets Tyler Posey's Alone.
Word count: 2014
Warnings: Blood, violence, swearing
°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°
"Jackpot!"
"What'cha got?" Cam comes up behind her to look into the cabinet.
"Enough to last us a while," Bunny grins, shrugging off her backpack and shoving cans from the shelves into it.
"Dread found a buttload of nonperishables," he says into the radio on his shoulder, "What about you gu-"
He's cut off by the sound of gunshots from two floors up where Daniel and Vala are going through apartments.
Bunny freezes, hand gripping the worn, bloodstained handle of the fire ax on the counter next to her. Everything goes quiet.
They wait for what feels like forever with bated breath until Daniel's heavy breathing crackles through the radio, "We had a group of infected, but we took care of it... Keep an eye out, those shots could have attracted more."
Before she can even let out a breath of relief Bunny sees a figure shambling up behind Mitchell.
"Behind you!"
She manages to pull out her sidearm as the zombie tackles him. She fires a few times and prays she was quick enough to kill it before it bit him.
The infected goes limp and she nudges it with her toe before pushing it off him.
There's a lot of blood, she wipes away as much as she can but she doesn't see a bite mark, just the gash on his forehead.
"Mitchell's unconscious," she says into her radio, "Zombie took him down and he hit his head, I don't see a bite."
"Keep your distance, just in case," Daniel answers, "We'll be right down Bunny."
"Hey! It's just me!" Daniel says when she points the Glock at him.
"Announce yourself next time dumbass!" She snaps, pointing her gun to the floor. "There's infected around, I could've killed you!"
He glances up at her when he kneels next to Mitchell, checking him for bites or deep scratches. "We'll bring him back, but he'll need to be watched closely, are you okay?"
"'M fine, let's get him back to base." She assures him with a small smile.
"Guys!" Vala skids to a stop in the doorway, "We've got an entire pack of runners headed right for us, if we're leaving, we need to go now."
"Help me with him," he looks to Bunny and she slings one of Cam's arms over her shoulders, helping Daniel get him to his feet.
Vala takes point as they drag him down the, now darkening, hallways of the apartment building. The group makes it to the truck without incident, Vala climbing into the bed with Cam and the supplies they managed to raid.
The compound was a small, red-brick school that they had reinforced. Two floors, lots of rooms, a flat roof that was good for patrolling on, and a chain-link fence surrounding it that they had wrapped and topped with barbed and razor wire.
"This is Raid Team One to Base, come in Base," Bunny says into the radio hooked to the dash. "I Repeat, This is Raid Team One, we're coming in hot, ETA 8 minutes. Base, do you copy?"
She gets back nothing but static and she looks to Daniel in the driver's seat.
"We have a man down and sprinters on our ass. ETA 5 minutes. Base, please respond." Nothing, "Damnit Walter! You'd better have that gate open when we get there or I swear to fuck, I'm gonna kick your ass!"
... "This is Base to Raid Team One, what is your current Eta?"
"Fuckin' finally!" She holds the mic up to her face again, "One minute Walter! Get that gate open NOW!... And tell the doc to be ready for a bleeder."
"What in the hell happened?" Sam asks as they unload Cam from the back.
"One of those new silents," Bunny grimaces, wiping her sleeve at the speckles of dried blood from her cheek, "Fucker got the drop on us."
"Hey!" She stops the group just inside the gate, the sound of gunfire echoing from O'Neill and Teal'c in the watchtowers as sprinters hurl themselves at the fence, "You know the rules, I can't let you in until you get a bite check."
"Damnit, Sam! Mitchell's dying!" Daniel snaps, "We don't have time for this!"
"I won't be the reason we have another outbreak!" She argues, pulling her pistol from its holster.
"Both of you calm down!" Fraiser interjects, rushing in with a gurney, "Sam, put your gun away, and Daniel..."
She looks at him pointedly, "Roll up your sleeves. Rules are rules, no exceptions, not even you."
He does as she says as she scours Cam for bites, Bunny and Vala also rolling their sleeves and pant legs up for Sam to inspect.
After getting checked out, Bunny brings the raided food to the kitchens, Daniel trailing closely behind her.
Once they make it to their quarters, an old English classroom, he pulls her into his arms.
"You're sure you're okay?" He asks, looking her over again.
"I'm fine," she assures him, "A little irked that we had to leave before we finished looting, but physically, I'm okay."
"Good," he sighs, pressing his lips to her forehead.
°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°
"We should take the mountain." She says, fingers drumming against the table in the war room.
"Not this again," O'Neill sighed, running his hand over his face, "That place is swarming with infected."
"But it's also loaded to the teeth with Ammo, MREs, and medical supplies." She argues, "Enough to last at least a few years. Jack, we've nearly picked the rest of the town clean, there's not much else to raid, what do we do then?"
"And or med supply is running dangerously low," Fraiser cuts in, "The stock in that mountain could save a lot of lives."
O'Neill huffs and slouches against the wall next to the window, looking out in the direction of Cheyenne Mountain.
"We need to take inventory of our current ammo supply before we make any hard decisions," He says, "If you can get the floor plans from the town office and draw me up a workable plan for this, we might- and I stress the word might- be able to get this thing off the ground."
°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°
"So you finally got O'Neill to agree?" Cam groans from the bed in the makeshift infirmary, "How the Hell did you manage that?"
"Persistence."
"You annoyed him into it," he clarifies.
"Something like that," Bunny laughs, "Daniel and V are prepping the truck to raid the town office to hopefully get the floor plan."
"Document snatching, I don't envy you there."
"Yeah... So how are you doing? Feeling hungry for human flesh?" She jokes, "Craving my sweet sweet bone marrow?"
"Nah, the doc checked me out, I am 'infection free' as the kids call it."
"That's good, I hope to see you up on your feet soon, I don't like being down a man." She pats his arm and makes her way to where the rest of the team is getting ready to head out.
"How's he doin'?" Daniel asks, lifting the weapons duffle into the bed of the truck.
"Cam is Cam," she shrugs, "Bit of a concussion but otherwise still the same, we lucked out."
"Yes, those new Silents are beginning to be quite the problem," Vala says, climbing into the back of the truck.
"We'll figure it out," Daniel nods, "We learned to manage the sprinters, we'll get a read on these ones too."
"You guys ready to go?" O'Neill asks, walking up with Teal'c, his hands in his pockets.
"Just about," Daniel says, "What's goin' on?"
"With this new variant out there, I know I'd feel a lot better if you took Teal'c with you." He tells them, "So you're taking Teal'c with you."
"Hop in," Bunny motions to the truck, and Teal'c nods before stepping into the bed and shutting the tailgate.
The town office is mostly empty, with only a few zombies stumbling around, easily incapacitated with melee weapons.
"Where do you think they'd keep the floorplans?" Bunny asks, scraping the blood off her ax on the side of a desk.
"Archives are in the basement if they had them at all," Daniel explains, "Uh... Teal'c and Vala, you guys take guard up here, Bunny and I 'll check out downstairs."
Their lights shine around the dusty folder-covered shelves as they try not to kick up any papers that litter the ground as they go.
"It's too fucking quiet," Bunny hisses, eyes darting over to Daniel, her knuckles white as she grips her flashlight, "Daniel."
He turns to look at her, but her eyes and light are trained on a spot on the floor. He follows her line of sight to a bloody bootprint on the cement floor, "That's not ours."
"It's still wet," she grimaces and he shines his light around their immediate surroundings.
"They're still here," his eyebrows knit together, "We should go."
"We need those plans."
"We don't even know if the plans are here," Daniel argues, "Even if they are, is it really worth risking our lives to a band of Rovers?"
"We risk our lives every time we leave the compound," she frowns, stepping past him to continue her search.
"Is someone there?" She calls out and Daniel rolls his eyes, grabbing his radio.
"Teal'c? This is Daniel, we think we could have a Rover situation here, keep your eyes peeled."
"Understood."
The sound of shuffling papers alerts them to another presence a few shelves over. Daniel pulls his gun, pointing it in the direction of the sound, pulling Bunny behind him without a second thought.
"Come out," Daniel orders, "Calmly with your hands behind your head. We're armed."
A small figure slowly shuffles into the light, hands clutched tightly around a raggedy-looking stuffed moose.
"Jesus Daniel, it's a kid," She tries to move past him, but he stops her.
"Are you alone?" He asks, "Is there anyone else here with you?"
Their eyes start to glisten with tears and they start sniffling.
"M-my papa he-" They hiccup, "He told me to hide. B-but he hasn't come back!"
"Honey, how long ago was that?" Bunny asks them.
"F-four days ago."
"Oh geez," Daniel slowly lowers his gun and looks to his wife who carefully approaches the child.
"Did your dad tell you anything else before he left?" She asks softly, unscrewing the cover of her water bottle and handing it to them.
"S-something 'bout getting bit," they pout, taking a sip.
She turns to Daniel.
"He can't be more than five," she whispers, "Daniel we can't just leave him here."
"I know."
"What's your name, sweetheart?" She asks as Daniel radios the new information to Teal'c and Vala.
"H-Henry."
"It's nice to meet you, Henry," she smiles warmly, "You're gonna come with us, ok? We've got food, water, and a nice safe place to stay."
"But... but my Papa!"
"Honey, I'm sorry but I don't think your papa's coming back," she tells him, "Now you need to come with us to where it's safe."
"Ok."
"I need to make sure you weren't bit too, can you roll up your sleeves for me?"
He nods and does as she says.
Once she's sure he hasn't been infected she picks him up and he clings to her.
"We just need to find something before we go."
"I think I've got it," Daniel calls from the other side of the basement, after a good 40 minutes of searching through musty old files.
He meets Bunny near the stair and unfolds one of the blue documents. Shining his light through it he smiles when they see the layout of one of the complex's floors.
"Hell yeah!" She grabs his arm, and grins, "Let's get these back to base."
"It's okay," she reassures the young boy when he whimpers, holding her tighter when she goes to set him in the front seat of the truck, "I'll be sitting right next to you."
"Base this is Raid Team one," she says into the dashboard radio, "The mission was a success. We found a new survivor and we're headed back. ETA 15 minutes."
○●○●○●○
There will be a part 2 (or even more) because I really love this AU and want to write more for it
Taglist: @mysg1spacemonkey @sgcprometheus @i-am-morrigans-apprentice @malcolm-reeds-pineapple @witching-things @reeseykins @abnormalvampire64 @girl-obsessed-with-things @gatez @myro-tse @just-a-si-fi-nerd
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gothic-safari-clown · 3 years ago
Text
The Mind’s Power Over the Body
Part 27: With Friends Like These
Story summary: They only ever had each other. It had been that way since high school, ever since Elianna transferred to dreary Arlen and took Jonathan under her wing. They go separate ways for college, and when they're reunited at Arkham Asylum professionally, Elianna comes to find that they've both changed during their time separated. Can she look past the promise of danger and stay by Jonathan's side as they slide further and further into the darkness while she grapples to come to terms with the truth about herself? Can she accept what needs to be done in order to hold onto the only person who holds any meaning in her life? This is a very self-indulgent AU that draws from several different canons of the DCU and ignoring others, starting in the Batman Begins Nolanverse. This will follow the plot of the movie, although the timeline has been very slightly tweaked.
Word count: 1556
Sorry it’s been so long! I’m a full time employee again, so it’s been hard to find the time to actually sit down and work on anything. Plus, we’re getting to the end of TMPOtB! Make sure to keep an eye out for the sequel Why I Do What I Do, and I hope you enjoy!
It had been four weeks. Two since ex-warden Sharpe had disappointed them. Regular police had begun to avoid them, and they had amassed a new following of goons. Even found a semi-permanent hideout.
Though, for all of their success, Jonathan had begun to sink lower and lower into himself. In fact, more and more often, he preferred to let Scarecrow be in charge. The only sure-fire way to keep him around for more than two hours together was when more toxin needed to be made.
At first, Scarecrow had been thrilled to be in charge. He had gotten quite a kick from going on sprees, terrorizing the public, especially if it might help them find Elianna. Jonathan wanted to find her for sentimental reasons, but Scarecrow?
Scarecrow wanted her back for possessive reasons. But, if he thought about it, he supposed the history behind their motivations was the same—companionship, kindness, loyalty. Jonathan seemed to crave it, but only from her.
But the straw man felt that it was something they were entitled to after all those years of consistency from her. Oh, he cared for her wellbeing, sure, but only because no one else would give them anything. As such, no one would ever be allowed to lay a hand on her again. But, more than anything, he craved attention, and despite Jonathan's endless warnings not to give it to him, El had always satisfied that need with a strange sense of fulfillment. The world owed them something, and she was the only person who would give them anything.
She was theirs.
So, when after weeks of rampage and fearmongering had yielded no results, Scarecrow found himself in a similar stupor to Jonathan, although it affected him differently. He seemed forever bored, irritated, and volatile.
It wasn't just Jonathan and Scarecrow who were affected by Elianna's absence either. The goons that had flocked to them (some out of fear, some out of necessity, some out of ambition) had very quickly come to regret the decision. Violent outbursts were often expected, and the men had had to take measures in order to keep themselves out of the line of fire.
Regardless, it was becoming more clear day by day that the longer El remained unaccounted for, nobody would last very long.
So when one day a young blonde tentatively approached the base of operations, folder in hand, asking for "doctah Crane," claiming to have an idea for where to find the elusive woman, Axel was more than happy to tell his men to stand down and let her through.
"He's upstairs, but it ain't the doctor, so don't call him that," he advised. "I'll take you up and stay in the room with you, but you gotta just give him the file and get out." The blonde nodded, a sad look on her face. "Did you know him before?"
"Yeah. We worked together at the Asylum. We weren't friendly or nothin', but he was always polite. I was—am, friends with El. I want her back too, so I started askin' my friends from med school to keep an eye out. So when I got this, I thought the best way to get her back was to bring it here." Axel nodded.
"Alright, well let me take a look. If it doesn't look good to him, he's gonna get angry and that won't be good for any of us." The blonde nodded and handed over the folder with the file inside.
Some of the information had been redacted (for legal reasons, no doubt) but as Axel scanned the paper, he felt a weight being slowly lifted.
Patient name [REDACTED]. Female, 30 years old, red hair, green eyes. Transferred to [REDACTED] from Gotham County General. Admitted with an unknown substance present which affected brain function. Severe injuries to full body. The patient was detoxed and consented to a medically-induced coma in order to treat mild trauma to the brain.
Notes: Patient has made a swift recovery, but will likely be admitted to psych. Demonstates an unhealthy obsession with "scarecrow," which has caused multiple outbursts against personnel.
The name of whoever had provided this information had been blacked out, but it seemed likely that this information was what they had been looking for. Looking up from the file, Axel was met with big blue eyes staring up at him hopefully.
"Alright, this looks good," he sighed, and the blonde was visibly relieved. "Come on, you should be the one to give this to him," he handed back the folder and jerked his head for her to follow. "You know where she's at, right? That information was taken out." She bobbed her head, anxiously rubbing her thumb over the spine of her folder.
"Yeah, the girl that sent this to me had her place of work listed on her Facebook."
"Good."
The pair walked together through the previously abandoned building, up two flights of stairs and down a series of halls.
"Do you all live here?" The young doctor asked, gazing around the environment as they walked.
"Sort of. All of us take shifts staying in groups here to keep trespassers out. The big man," here, Axel pointed to the door at the end of the hallway as they approached, "has a place in the Narrows so that he doesn't have to stay if he doesn't want. Between the two of us, it's a much better gig when he's not around." She nodded in agreement. Based on the news reports, that was to be expected.
Reaching the door, Axel held up a finger for the woman to wait as he knocked. "Boss? There's a woman here with some information. I looked it over, I think it's her." It was silent on the other side of the door for a moment before a muffled voice told them to come in.
Axel opened the door with a pointed look at the woman, letting her enter first.
The man sitting at the desk inside certainly looked like Jonathan, but it didn't take Harley long to notice the changes in him. Jonathan always kept himself clean-shaven and carried himself with an air of uprightness. Scarecrow didn't seem to share those concerns. Stubble had been allowed to grow along his jaw, and he was slouched into his chair like he was bored.
When he caught sight of her, there was a glimmer of recognition in his eyes before a lackluster grin broke over his face. "Doctor Quinzel, I don't think we've been formally introduced." The sentence was accompanied by what was surely meant to be an intimidating chuckle. He just didn't have the energy.
"Scarecrow," she greeted, unable to help the pity that crept into her heart. "I...I guess I'll just get right down to business. I know you're looking for El, and you haven't been able to find her in the city, so I reached out to some people that I know who work in neighboring cities, and I think I found her." She stepped forward, folder outstretched for him to take.
He frowned, skeptical of the information, but took the folio anyway with a telling look at Axel: if this isn't her, you're the one to face the consequences.
But scanning the memo through narrowed eyes, his attitude slowly changed. Suddenly, there was no way that it wasn't her, and a sudden urgency took over everything as he stood.
"Where." Not a question, a demand. Harley quickly gave him the city and hospital, startled by the abrupt turnaround. "Good," seeming to briefly forget that she was even there, he turned to Axel with a sense of urgency. "Get our best boys ready, we're going now." The thug nodded and began to pull Harley out of the room before the voice stopped them again. "Harley," it barked, and the blonde's head swiveled to look at him again. "You know what's going to happen to that hospital. To your friend that works there."
"Yes, I do." She had known from the beginning. It had been so many years since she had even thought about the other woman, and they hadn't been close to begin with. To be perfectly honest, Harley wasn't even sure if she had ever liked her to begin with.
It made it easier to make this decision, although realizing that she even could make that decision had been surprising.
Scarecrow seemed to understand and went back to studying the file further, leaving the pair to leave the room, closing the door behind them.
"You did good, doc," Axel assured the blonde as they retreated down the hall. "But if it isn't her somehow..."
"I know," Harley gulped. She had seen plenty on the news of what happened to people who let Scarecrow down in this particular search.
Sensing the woman's apprehension, Axel spoke again. "I don't think you have anything to worry about. Who else could that be, right?"
"Yeah. Yeah, you're right." She nodded. "I'm gonna get outta your hair now. Good luck, all of you. bring her home, yeah?"
"You got it, doc."
With that, Harley left and Axel went about rounding up the troops. He wasn't exactly looking forward to the havoc they were about to wreck upon the unsuspecting hospital, but ultimately having El back would be best for everyone involved.
For everyone's sake, it'd better be our girl.
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